I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life

On today’s episode, we hear about: · A husband unsure of how to manage his anger · A couple seeking to get out of debt and teach their son better money habits · A woman struggling with her grandson’s diagnosis Next Steps: 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test 📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards 💭 John's Free Guided Meditation 🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch Connect With Our Sponsors: 🌱 Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. 🔴 Get 15% off with code DELONY at BON CHARGE. 🌿 Get up to 40% off with code DELONY at Cozy Earth. 🔒 Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe. 😇 Go to Hallow for a 90-day free trial. 💤 Visit Helix Sleep for special offers! 🥤 Get 20% off with code DELONY at Organifi. 💪 Get 25% off your order at Thorne. 🏋️ Go to Trainwell to get started! Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights 🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💰 George Kamel 🪑 Front Row Seat with Ken Coleman 📈 The EntreLeadership Podcast Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:05Speaker 00

  How can I stop being unpredictable and rebuild trust with my wife and kids? Lately, I've been called Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. You know, I need to be a dad.

• 0:14Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. Can I just, can I, like, I mean, if you were here, I'd stop what we're doing and I'd give you a hug. But what you're saying is real heavy and there's millions and millions of dads in your exact spot.

• 0:29Dr. John Delony?

  Woo! What's up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show, talking about your mental and emotional health, your marriage, your dating life, whatever you've got going on in your world. I'm here to help. And by help means, I'm, I'm just gonna sit with you. I think we're in a world where everybody just talks at everybody all the time. Most of the time, we know what the next right step is. It's just hard to make it. Or just, we've got 50 different options and choices and opinions and just need someone to sit with us. So that's what this show's about, man. Me sitting with hurting people, trying to figure out what's the next right move. I've been doing this for over two decades and it's one of the greatest honors in the world. When someone calls and says, "Hey, man, would you just sit with me? Let's figure this thing out."

• 1:12Dr. John Delony?

  If you want to be on this show, it's real people going through real challenges. Give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291 or go to johndeloney.com/ask. A-S-K. Let's roll down I-65 and go to Huntsville, Alabama and talk to Berry Berry. What's up, Berry?

• 1:32Speaker 00

  Hey, Dr. John. Thanks for taking my call.

• 1:35Dr. John Delony?

  Heck, yeah, brother. What's up?

• 1:37Speaker 00

  So, the base question is, how can I stop being unpredictable and rebuild trust with my wife and kids?

• 1:43Dr. John Delony?

  Man, that's a big question, dude. What precipitated the question? What happened?

• 1:49Speaker 00

  Um, well, I've been called, lately, I've been called Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. And my kids are-

• 1:59Dr. John Delony?

  By who? By who? Your wife?

• 2:00Speaker 00

  My wife.

• 2:01Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 2:01Speaker 00

  My wife.

• 2:02Dr. John Delony?

  Is she right?

• 2:03Speaker 00

  Um, yeah, I think so.

• 2:05Dr. John Delony?

  Alright. Good on you for owning it. Alright, so, keep going.

• 2:10Speaker 00

  So, my kids are, I mean, I don't wanna say scared, but really nervous to come to me about anything. They'll go to my wife and like try to get her to tell me, uh, because they don't know how I'm gonna respect. My wife doesn't either. You know, me and her don't have conversations anymore. We do the basic, uh, you know, how's your day? What's going on? Who's taking the kids to practice? That type of stuff. We've become roommates because, you know, just they just don't know how I'm gonna act or respond to questions or, you know, anything that's brought up to me.

• 2:46Dr. John Delony?

  So what is, what is... Well, how long has this been like this, man?

• 2:52Speaker 00

  Uh, I... She says it's been a long time and I'm just now starting to kinda realize it. I've finally started going to, you know, to a doctor, uh, therapy and things like that. And I've just come to realize that I, to me, I really only have pretty much two emotions. I'm either angry or upset, or I'm just laid back.

• 3:22Speaker 00

  And I don't, I don't know how to change it where my kids will come to me and I can, you know, I need to be a dad.

• 3:33Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 3:34Speaker 00

  You know?

• 3:36Dr. John Delony?

  Can I just, can I like, man, if you were here, I'd stop what we're doing and I'd give you a hug. And, and I know that you might bristle at that at first. But what you're saying is real heavy and there's millions and millions of dads in your exact spot.

• 3:51Dr. John Delony?

  What you're saying out loud is hard and I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm proud of you. It's a courageous thing you're doing. Okay?

• 3:56Speaker 00

  Yeah, it is.

• 3:59Dr. John Delony?

  Now, here's the challenge you have. You don't trust you either. You don't come to you with the truth about what you feel about certain things. You anger it away, you rage it away, or you numb it out. You football game it away. And so, what you're asking your kids to do and your wife to do is something that you won't even do.

• 4:25Dr. John Delony?

  And so, instead of trying to fix some things so that your kids will come to you, I want to turn off that nuclear reactor that's in your chest. Because somehow you woke up, how old are you?

• 4:40Speaker 00

  Thirty-six.

• 4:41Dr. John Delony?

  You woke up at thirty-six and you don't like the life you live. Why? All the things you're saying, it has, has, has the, tell me if I'm, if I'm out to lunch, man, because I could be way off, is a guy who's just so tired.

• 5:02Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 5:02Dr. John Delony?

  But you're tired because you've been at war inside your own chest for so long. You don't think you make enough money, you don't like the job that you do, you don't like that you don't show up for your wife, but you don't have any tools in your toolkit, so you just get madder and louder about it, and it makes it worse, right?

• 5:16Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah.

• 5:17Dr. John Delony?

  Your friends have all gone off to do stupid stuff. Alabama sucked this year, like all of it, right? It's all in this, right in the middle of your chest, right?

• 5:25Speaker 00

  Definitely.

• 5:27Dr. John Delony?

  Where's that come from, man? How long have you not liked the, the skin that you're in, your life? You only get one, dude, you only get one, and you're like, more than a third over.

• 5:39Speaker 00

  I've just come to realization, not too long ago, that I don't like myself.

• 5:45Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, why?

• 5:49Speaker 00

  I want to say I don't really have anything to show for my life, but I've got five kids, a great wife, I got a job that I love.

• 5:58Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 6:00Speaker 00

  But I'm just, I don't like who I am.

• 6:08Dr. John Delony?

  A lot of men who don't like who they are, either have some sort of hidden addiction, or a thing they did that they, they've just buried. They've got some things that happened to them, like in a previous show, talked to a child abuse survivor, went on for a long, long time. Or they had some narrative, some false metric that was supposed to feel a certain way when they got it. When I get a house this big, when I cross the six-figure mark is what I hear all the time. When I get this new promotion and I become the senior associate vice president, whatever, it's supposed to feel a certain way, like I've got there, like I've arrived, like I

• 6:53Dr. John Delony?

  made it. And most men are hyper disillusioned when they get there and it doesn't feel like they thought it was gonna feel, and there's not a psychology for what comes next. So, most men get mad and they hit the gas harder. Did any of those three ring a bell?

• 7:09Speaker 00

  Uh, the, it's more of what I've come to, I believe, is what happened to me when I was little.

• 7:20Dr. John Delony?

  What happened?

• 7:21Speaker 00

  So, it was me and my mom, mainly, third shift worker, so I was at home all the time, did things. Um, I just remember that if I ever did anything wrong, or did anything like that, or enjoyed something, she used that as a punishment. You know, if I, if I knew, if she knew that I enjoyed doing this activity or doing these things, that was a punishment, like, she's gonna take it away. Or, you know, that was how things were. And when I got old enough to get a job, I remember working, and she used to tell me, "Well, you gotta give me your paycheck, because, or we won't have power, and you won't be able to do this, or we won't do that."

• 8:04Speaker 00

  You know, and it's just, and that's, and so, I, I know that I learned to not show that I was happy.

• 8:13Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. Where was your dad?

• 8:15Speaker 00

  Um, well, they divorced when I was about four, and he was, you know, he'd show up every other weekend and that type of stuff.

• 8:22Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, so can you cut yourself some slack for a second? You, you, you're trying to be a professional baseball player, and you've never seen an actual game played. You're trying to be a great dad of five kids, and you've never seen a picture of a good father who shows up and is present in his kid's life.

• 8:47Dr. John Delony?

  You don't even know what that looks like. You have some fantasies about it and you've watched some movies about it, but you don't even know what that looks like and feels like. Cut yourself some slack, give yourself some grace, okay?

• 9:00Dr. John Delony?

  And you've never had permission to laugh inside your own freaking house.

• 9:08Dr. John Delony?

  To have joy in your own house. Of course you toggle from numb to anger and back and forth and back and forth.

• 9:18Dr. John Delony?

  Laughing and joy got stuff taken away from you.

• 9:25Dr. John Delony?

  That's evil, man.

• 9:31Speaker 00

  I don't like to admit it.

• 9:32Dr. John Delony?

  I know.

• 9:36Dr. John Delony?

  Because my guess is joy got stuff taken away and being angry or being sad got you hit.

• 9:44Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 9:48Dr. John Delony?

  So what you learned at a really young age by the person, by the people who were supposed to love you the most and give you a roadmap for what love looks like, is I need to disappear.

• 9:58Dr. John Delony?

  In my own skin.

• 10:02Dr. John Delony?

  And there ain't no hiding with five kids.

• 10:06Speaker 00

  No, I want to.

• 10:08Dr. John Delony?

  I know, I know. I got two and sometimes I just want to disappear.

• 10:18Dr. John Delony?

  So here's what I want you to, the grace I want you to give yourself.

• 10:23Dr. John Delony?

  This is a skills issue, not a character issue.

• 10:29Dr. John Delony?

  If you stop practicing, I'm gonna call that a character issue. But the fact that you're terrible at shooting free throws, you've never tried before. You've never had somebody coach you on how to do it. You haven't even seen somebody shoot a free throw. Of course you're not good at it.

• 10:43Dr. John Delony?

  But I'll be damned, I'm gonna wake up every day and take 100 free throws before I leave the house.

• 10:48Dr. John Delony?

  I'm gonna take 100 free throws before my kids go to bed.

• 10:53Dr. John Delony?

  And in four or five years, I'm gonna be real good at shooting free throws. Cause I deserve that and they deserve that. Do you get what I'm saying?

• 11:00Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 11:01Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 11:04Dr. John Delony?

  This is um, kind of a recent revelation in the neurological literature, in the, in the brain science stuff.

• 11:13Dr. John Delony?

  Your adult relationships, and your relationships with your wife, relationships with your kids, actually uses the same pathways that were developed with your mom and your dad.

• 11:26Dr. John Delony?

  Your brain repurposes those same relationship pathways.

• 11:30Speaker 00

  Great.

• 11:31Dr. John Delony?

  Right? Exactly. Like as us, all of the western world, all of planet earth goes, oh, great. Here's all that means. You're gonna have to build new ones, man. That's your only option. You made five kids and you looked at a woman at an altar and you said, I do till death do us part.

• 11:47Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 11:48Dr. John Delony?

  So your only option is, I gotta build new ones. And the way we build new ones is not sitting around ruminating and not sitting around thinking about it over and over again and not listening to another podcast and their podcast. It's getting out there and doing it. Even and especially when I don't want to.

• 12:05Speaker 00

  I've been doing that. I've listened to podcasts, books. I'm like, you know, I need to do that. I need to do this. And then I just.

• 12:12Dr. John Delony?

  And then you don't. That's right. You just sit there. That's right. So what courage and bravery looks like for you right now is doing it anyway.

• 12:23Dr. John Delony?

  Can I tell you how simple it is?

• 12:26Speaker 00

  Please.

• 12:29Dr. John Delony?

  How old are your kids?

• 12:31Speaker 00

  Twelve, ten, eight, six and six.

• 12:34Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. Oh, this, you got twins on the back end?

• 12:37Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 12:39Dr. John Delony?

  My homie dude.

• 12:41Dr. John Delony?

  I'd hug you again right now.

• 12:48Dr. John Delony?

  All right, number one, I want you to build, and again, I'm stereotyping Alabama, so you may not know how. I want you to build a cornhole thing.

• 12:58Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah.

• 12:59Dr. John Delony?

  And I want you to have a nightly tournament with your six, with your five kids.

• 13:03Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 13:04Dr. John Delony?

  I want it to include trash talking. I want you to do it when it's cold. I want you to do it when it's hot.

• 13:11Dr. John Delony?

  I want you to, um, ask your seven-year-old, "Hey, is it okay if you're gonna go to bed getting dominated by dad at cornhole?" And they'll be like, "Bring it on."

• 13:24Speaker 00

  Sounds like...

• 13:25Dr. John Delony?

  But here's what I want. I want them to get some sort of predictability every evening. Dad's gonna show up.

• 13:33Dr. John Delony?

  And I want you to practice showing up when the only thing on earth you wanna do is go hide in the bathroom and sit there for 45 minutes and scroll your phone, or just turn on the football game and numb out.

• 13:45Dr. John Delony?

  I want you to make yourself go do it, okay?

• 13:50Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 13:51Dr. John Delony?

  And I want you to show up, and I want you to show up, and I want you to show up. All right, here's number two. This one's gonna be even harder than that one, okay?

• 14:01Dr. John Delony?

  Are you ready?

• 14:03Speaker 00

  I'm ready.

• 14:04Dr. John Delony?

  I want you to go to Walgreens today, or Walmart or something. I want you to buy five of the cheapest spiral notebooks you can buy.

• 14:13Dr. John Delony?

  And I want you to write their names on it.

• 14:16Dr. John Delony?

  And I want that to go on their bed.

• 14:21Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 14:21Dr. John Delony?

  And every night, I want you to write something in it. It can be one sentence. I'm not asking you to write a paragraph.

• 14:29Dr. John Delony?

  One sentence where you saw them doing something great that day.

• 14:35Dr. John Delony?

  That's it.

• 14:38Dr. John Delony?

  And if they wanna write you back and put it on your bed, you would love to get that. You can tell them that.

• 14:46Speaker 00

  So I'd have it there before they went to bed?

• 14:48Dr. John Delony?

  Yep.

• 14:49Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 14:52Dr. John Delony?

  The third thing is, I want you to take your wife out for breakfast and say,

• 14:57Dr. John Delony?

  "I wanna start two things on a regular basis." Number one, a weekly calendar dinner budget meeting, just us together. "How we doing?"

• 15:08Dr. John Delony?

  The second thing is, I want us to begin to ask every morning before I go to work, "How can I love you today?"

• 15:17Speaker 00

  Say that one plenty of times.

• 15:20Dr. John Delony?

  Do what?

• 15:21Speaker 00

  I said, "I've heard you say that plenty of times."

• 15:23Dr. John Delony?

  I know. I want you to ask her, and I want her to ask you.

• 15:33Dr. John Delony?

  And if you want to be a real gangster, I want you all to go for a walk together once a week. No complaining, no whining, just walking.

• 15:45Dr. John Delony?

  I'm gonna send you every deck of the Question for Humans for Couples and the Intimacy Deck, and I want you all to commit to doing a couple of cards.

• 15:53Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 15:54Dr. John Delony?

  Here's what you'll have to do. You'll have to rebuild your marriage.

• 15:58Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 15:58Dr. John Delony?

  From the floor up. You have five kids. You have seven people in your house now.

• 16:03Speaker 00

  Sure did.

• 16:04Dr. John Delony?

  Okay? And I want you to tell her, "I don't have the skills to be the dad that I want to be. I've never seen it happen."

• 16:17Dr. John Delony?

  But you need to get a couple of men in your life that you can call, that you can text, that you can have coffee with, that you can grab a drink with, that you can laugh with. And if that's her dad, if her dad's an amazing man, I want you to call him and tell him,

• 16:29Dr. John Delony?

  "I'm gonna invite you into my life, but your dad didn't show up for you, man. You gotta own that. That means you gotta go with some help."

• 16:36Speaker 00

  I think I got a few.

• 16:38Dr. John Delony?

  I want you to tell your wife, "I've never seen a mom show up and be present with her kids. I'm learning, but I'm gonna dedicate myself to learning how to do this right."

• 16:48Dr. John Delony?

  And so that might mean, "Hey, wife, when you see me getting enraged, will you just put your hand gently on my arm?

• 16:54Dr. John Delony?

  And I promise I won't disappear."

• 16:59Dr. John Delony?

  "I'm gonna put my cellphone away. I'm gonna continue seeing a counselor."

• 17:07Dr. John Delony?

  Will you do one last thing for me?

• 17:09Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 17:11Dr. John Delony?

  I want you to write nine-year-old Barry a letter.

• 17:15Dr. John Delony?

  And tell him that you're so sorry that his mama treated him like that, and his dad walked out.

• 17:23Dr. John Delony?

  I want you to tell him that that little boy is loved and that you're gonna grow up and you're gonna fix it. You're gonna be a dad that shows up for all five of his kids.

• 17:33Dr. John Delony?

  Okay?

• 17:35Speaker 00

  Yes, I will.

• 17:36Dr. John Delony?

  I want you to let that little boy go play. That little boy needs to go have fun and not have the stuff get threatened to get taken away from him. He needs to go get a job and learn how to save and give and spend some of his money.

• 17:50Dr. John Delony?

  A little kid needs to learn how to laugh and play. He's got his whole life to get beat down by the system. And as a kid, man, he needs mom and dad to love him and show up and that didn't happen for you. But that little kid's still trying to defend you and protect you. You gotta let that kid go play.

• 18:05Dr. John Delony?

  People ask me how to do that. Sometimes that's holding a picture of yourself as a young kid and writing that kid a letter.

• 18:15Dr. John Delony?

  Sometimes that is taking a picture of your mom, Barry, and put it in your back pocket. And every time you wanna snap at your kids, every time you wanna yell at your wife, every time you wanna just grab your phone and disappear, I want you to pull that picture of your mom out and look at it and say, "Hey, Mom, I'm gonna, I'm gonna beat down on my kids just like you did on me. We're gonna do this together."

• 18:39Dr. John Delony?

  And then you're gonna realize real quick, "No, no, no, I'm not letting her into our house anymore. She's out. I'm gonna learn these new skills. I'm gonna go get it."

• 18:48Dr. John Delony?

  I'm proud of you, brother Barry. The light came on for you.

• 18:55Dr. John Delony?

  We're gonna get a routine and we are going to stick with it. We're gonna ask our wife, you're gonna ask your wife, "How can I love you today and I'm gonna let you in, how can you love me?" Inch by inch by inch, we're gonna walk this thing out. I'm grateful for you, brother. You call me anytime. We'll be right back. Okay, let's talk about Organifi. Listen up. Health and wellness is not a destination. It's a journey. It's an adventure. And for most people, that journey can be tough, filled with ups and downs. And that's why I love Organifi. They make it super easy to make healthier choices about what you eat and what you drink.

• 19:38Dr. John Delony?

  And right now, they're making it even easier with the Organifi Starter Kit. For those of you still on the fence about whether to get Organifi or not, it's a great way to sample Organifi for not much money. With code DELONY, they'll give it to you, all of it, for 40 bucks right now, including shipping. Listen, the Starter Kit is like Organifi's greatest hits. Seven days of green juice travel packs to boost your energy and calm your mind. Seven days of red juice travel packs full of antioxidants to help with focus, stamina, and recovery. And 30 days of essential magnesium capsules for strong bones and healthy muscles. And if you get in on the Starter Pack right now, they'll also send you a branded Organifi Shaker Bottle for free.

• 20:21Dr. John Delony?

  So make Organifi's whole food blends and top-quality ingredients part of your health and wellness adventure, just like I have. Go to organifi.com/deloney right now to save 20% off all of their products with code DELONY. That's O-R-G-A-N-I-F-I dot com slash DELONY and use code DELONY for 20% off.

• 20:45Dr. John Delony?

  All right, let's talk Cozy Earth, the makers of the best bedding, sleepwear, and bath linens in the world. So if you're like me, your New Year's resolutions are hanging on by a thread and your body is redlining from all of the new exercise and new eating habits and all of the back-to-school activity, all of it. And I'm all about go, go, go, go. But we all have to remember, rest is vital for our overall health. And though I like to go hard, when I rest, I like to rest right. And for me and my family, that's where Cozy Earth comes in. And Cozy Earth has a great Valentine's Day sale for her and him going on right now. So there's never been a better time to experience Cozy Earth's bedding and pajamas. They're soft and breathable and they keep me and my family

• 21:30Dr. John Delony?

  cool and comfortable all night long. Perfect for the sleep and the rest we need to be re-energized. Invest in yourself by investing in cozy, comfortable sleep with Cozy Earth. And right now, Cozy Earth has an exclusive sale for all of you watching or listening to this show. Forty percent off all products to help you stay cozy this winter. Visit cozylearth.com/deloney and use code DELONY right now. That's cozylearth, C-O-Z-Y. Cozylearth.com/deloney. All right, let's go up to the home of Reggie Miller, Indianapolis, Indiana, and talk to Amy. Hey, Amy, what's up?

• 22:09Speaker 02

  Hi, how are you?

• 22:11Dr. John Delony?

  I'm doing great. How about you?

• 22:12Speaker 02

  I am awesome. Super excited to talk to you.

• 22:15Dr. John Delony?

  You too.

• 22:15Speaker 02

  Very anxious, so I'm just gonna start rattling off my question.

• 22:19Dr. John Delony?

  Oh, don't be anxious. I'm not that, I'm not that good at this. What's up?

• 22:23Speaker 02

  Well, I have a question.

• 22:25Dr. John Delony?

  All right, bring it.

• 22:25Speaker 02

  So, how can my husband and I pay off over $40,000 in debt, stay debt-free, and be able to teach our kid good money habits when our habits are in the toilet?

• 22:42Dr. John Delony?

  What's, what's the question behind the question?

• 22:44Speaker 02

  Okay, so my husband and I have been married for over, almost 20 years. We've been together since we were in high school, high school sweethearts.

• 22:51Dr. John Delony?

  Gross, gross.

• 22:53Speaker 02

  I know, it's so great. I'll send you the prom picture. It's great.

• 22:57Dr. John Delony?

  Oh, gosh. Is there like, I, I just, "I don't wanna wait." Like Dawson's Creek's playing in the background, so great.

• 23:03Speaker 02

  Uh, no, it was Celine Dion, because it was the Titanic.

• 23:06Dr. John Delony?

  Oh, my gosh. "Jack, I'll Never Let Go." I love that. Okay, all right, so.

• 23:12Speaker 02

  So, we're, we're a law enforcement family. My husband's been in law enforcement for over 20 years. Um, I'm also a special needs mom for 14 years. And so, one of the proudest moments was when I was, gave birth to my son. The next day was payday, and I paid off our credit card, and I was like, "This is the best."

• 23:31Dr. John Delony?

  Amazing.

• 23:31Speaker 02

  And then, our son started down this road of all these medical needs, and nobody knew what was going on with him, and we spent the last, the next four years trying to figure out a diagnosis for him. So, um.

• 23:44Dr. John Delony?

  Where'd you land?

• 23:46Speaker 02

  I'm sorry?

• 23:46Dr. John Delony?

  Where'd you, where'd you land diagnostically?

• 23:48Speaker 02

  Uh, it's a, it's a really rare, um, diagnosis that like thirty-two people in the world have.

• 23:55Dr. John Delony?

  Oh, man.

• 23:56Speaker 02

  Um, so, but thankfully, everything is controlled. We've got therapy, we've got medication, like, life is good in that. Um, we've got, you know, we figured out, um, financial stuff that we can use for, uh, financial assistance. Like, that's been great. But it just feels like whenever we get a chance to get ahead, like, we do really well, and then all of a sudden, we're back into our old habits. And so I know of about forty-five thousand dollars in debt. I secretly feel like there's more. Um, one of the things I told him about at the beginning of the year is like, we need to sit down and like, really be honest about our finances, where we're at, and how are we gonna do better? Because we have a, we have a twelve-year-old as well, um, who is, like, has no concept of money, and we are not doing a great job

• 24:40Speaker 02

  to set him up for success. So what is, what is the best way to have this conversation with my husband, who, um, is prideful in what he does, which, you know, I love him, he's been an amazing supportive husband and has always provided, um, like, he's working six days a week, he's working as much as he can, um, to try to help make ends meet. And so we just aren't coming up with a great plan that's helping us move forward in the right direction.

• 25:06Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, so, yeah, totally, hundred percent. And that's, I mean, I come from this house. I'm a product of this house, okay? My dad was a law enforcement guy, an amazing guy who worked his butt off, worked extra jobs. Um, and so there's two things at play here. Number one, the idea of having to budget your money often signals to a man who grew up with a picture of what being a husband and what being a provider looks like as a, a, a symbol, like a bat signal that you haven't made it yet, you're failing your family.

• 25:41Speaker 02

  Wow, that's true.

• 25:42Dr. John Delony?

  The fact that we have to, um, budget for money is just a reminder that my neighborhood, I'm a public servant, the public doesn't give a crap about me. I remember watching, like, I remember, dude, it's visceral, watching my dad's face swipe the ATM card, hoping there'd be money in there, because he had kids with groceries. And I remember as a kid thinking, if that's what the public thinks of public service, I'm out. Screw you guys.

• 26:11Dr. John Delony?

  Because people try to shoot my daddy and we can't afford groceries. I remember being like 12 and being that cognizant. So I think number one is understanding that for your husband, the thought that we have to sit down and plan what we're going to buy and not buy, might be felt in his chest as, yep, it's true, you're failing your family financially. Okay? And so it's easier than coming at somebody like, we need to, you need to. It's just a compassionate way to go, dude, you're not failing our family. Okay? The second thing is, is shifting that needle from,

• 26:53Dr. John Delony?

  it's redefining what protect and provide mean. What I have found in my house is it is easier for me to go shoot my guns and become a great marksman. It's easier for me to go take some boxing classes and some kickboxing classes and to get back into MMA training stuff. It's easier for me to go work out than it is for me to, on a day by day basis, show up and be a steady, joyful, delightful presence in my own home. Okay? And so what I have to do for myself and convincing a whole generation of men

• 27:36Dr. John Delony?

  that providing is financial, but you also needed to provide an electric, free home. Provide a joyful, stable, or as Dr. Becky Kennedy calls it, a sturdy presence inside your house. And I have come to believe for me, the gym, the shooting range, the, what, fill in the blank, is a numbing device, is a distraction from, I don't know how to be, I don't know how to provide stability inside my house. So I'm going to provide, you got my direct deposit, that's what you get. I'm going to go protect and do these other, right? You get what I'm saying?

• 28:15Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 28:16Dr. John Delony?

  Your husband, from his training, knows how to protect better than 99.6% of the population. He's got that down.

• 28:26Speaker 02

  Yep.

• 28:26Dr. John Delony?

  Right? He needs to have you gently, yet with, and compassionately, yet directly, help him redefine what protect means, is I need you to protect my spirit. I need you to protect our finances.

• 28:44Dr. John Delony?

  I need you to protect our family in the event that you die, which you will now, or you will later.

• 28:50Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 28:50Dr. John Delony?

  And that we have money so that our special needs kid can continue to get the services he needs. So that one of our other kid can go to college, so that I don't have to immedi- I get a chance to grieve you, I don't have to immediately go to work on Monday.

• 29:03Speaker 02

  Right.

• 29:04Dr. John Delony?

  And so it's just redefining protect and provide.

• 29:08Dr. John Delony?

  And

• 29:08Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 29:09Dr. John Delony?

  in my house, my wife has done an extraordinary job of holding my hands in those hard seasons and letting me know, I- any talk of financial failure is in my head. It's not in hers.

• 29:25Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 29:26Dr. John Delony?

  The failure on my part is not budgeting in reality, not li- not spending in reality.

• 29:33Speaker 02

  Right.

• 29:34Dr. John Delony?

  That's my failure. Right?

• 29:37Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 29:37Dr. John Delony?

  And by the way, as I've- as I've continued to work here where I work and been around different people, the wealthiest people on the planet that I've met, they all budget.

• 29:49Speaker 02

  Right.

• 29:49Dr. John Delony?

  It looks differently, but I just thought there was this place you get and you just never think about it again. That place doesn't exist. It's not a thing.

• 29:59Speaker 02

  Right.

• 29:59Dr. John Delony?

  You know what I mean?

• 30:00Speaker 02

  Right. Yeah. Absolutely.

• 30:02Dr. John Delony?

  Or if they are, their money will be gone in a generation. It'll be- it'll go away.

• 30:07Speaker 02

  Long term.

• 30:08Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. Just goes away.

• 30:09Speaker 02

  And I think that's where he's trying to figure out, like, we- we've got some investment properties that, you know, I don't know a ton about. He knows more about that than I do. I see it as another place for us where we're spending money. And he's like, but it's coming out of the business. I'm like, but it's supposed to be an investment, but we're in debt.

• 30:27Dr. John Delony?

  Here, here's the words. I don't feel safe in my home, not knowing where our money is, where our investments are, and how much we owe. Will you help me feel safe?

• 30:38Speaker 02

  Yep.

• 30:38Dr. John Delony?

  This year during our annual retreat, my wife and I go on that annual retreat every year. This year was my favorite one we've ever done. But I did something different this year. And I watched her body change. I went and I called a buddy, she's a real estate agent here in Nashville. Um, I called her and asked her to run an appraisal, run comps on, on, on my properties. I, um, I called my, my smart investor pro and said, I need to know, I need a detailed accounting of every, I got everything. I even got all the guns, all the guitars, all of my, like, if I die today, here's what this stuff is worth. And it wasn't just like fake what it's worth. This is like, if you had to sell this today, this is what you could probably get for it.

• 31:21Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 31:21Dr. John Delony?

  And then I had the life insurance policy and the number, like, here's who you call. And I read it off to start our meeting, here's where we are financially. And I watched my wife's shoulders just drop to the floor. And I remember laughing and I was like, you know all this? And she's like, yeah, but just seeing it. And I, she didn't verbalize this, but I think the fact that I went and got it beforehand, told her he's invested in making sure I'm safe.

• 31:53Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 31:55Dr. John Delony?

  And my wife knows I know how to fight and she knows I'm fast, I know how to run. Like, if I need to run away from, it's like, that's not the kind of protection. The protection that applies to most of us is if our house burns down, what, what then?

• 32:09Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 32:10Dr. John Delony?

  Right?

• 32:11Speaker 02

  Absolutely. Absolutely.

• 32:13Dr. John Delony?

  And so I think it's just redefining what's safe and what, um, what protect and what provide actually means right now.

• 32:20Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 32:21Dr. John Delony?

  And there may, listen, there may be another side to this. There may be, um, a wife listening to this right now and she knows exactly where every accountant is. Her husband makes a whole bunch of money. And she thinks he's in danger of a heart attack any day because he's never been to the gym. The protect and provide conversation in that household might be, I'm worried you're a ticking time bomb. If you want to protect me, you want me to feel safe, I want you to go to a doctor, I want you to get an exercise program. I want you to start lifting weights. I want you to do something, you get what I'm saying? So that means something different in every house. But most of the men I know right now have doubled down on the thing that's easiest for them, and they are puffing up like a balloon and expecting their whole families

• 33:04Dr. John Delony?

  to just get behind that. And families are going, hey, whoa, you can lift a lot of weight and you can run real far. I don't feel safe.

• 33:10Speaker 02

  Right, right. And another kind of like side to this, so I have stayed at home with my boys since I've, you know, given birth. And there's a guilt factor in that I spend money because of the house. I buy things for the house. My boys' haircuts, groceries, whatever. And there's a guilt factor that I have because I'm not working outside the home to bring in some income to be able to help the family. Any advice for that?

• 33:48Dr. John Delony?

  I mean, that's a story you're telling yourself that you have to choose to stop telling. Because it's not true.

• 33:55Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 33:56Dr. John Delony?

  I mean, has your husband told you that?

• 33:59Speaker 02

  Um, no, but there is the occasional like, oh, your boyfriend's in the neighborhood, also known as the Amazon man, who delivers my packages.

• 34:10Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, but I mean, is he being silly?

• 34:12Speaker 02

  I think he is. But you know, like, sometimes after you start to hear things over and over again, you're like, wait, is this, is this reality? Like, am I really? But, you know, and it's a battle. And I think it's also just my work history. And like, I used to be a provider. I used to be, I used to be the one that was the breadwinner between the two of us before we had kids. And then now it's kind of gone.

• 34:36Dr. John Delony?

  Yes.

• 34:37Speaker 02

  So just trying to let that go.

• 34:39Dr. John Delony?

  So I think you and him need to go have a great...

• 34:45Dr. John Delony?

  Like, let's reimagine our marriage now. We have a 12 year old and a 14 year old. We've never been married with a 12 year old and a special needs 14 year old.

• 34:53Speaker 02

  Mm hmm.

• 34:54Dr. John Delony?

  And I'm feeling an itch to go back to work. Or every time I buy something, I feel like I'm a net drain on the household. Do you feel that too? I see you working so, so hard in so many jobs and doing so much stuff. And I miss you.

• 35:11Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 35:13Dr. John Delony?

  Like, I think there's just a moment to settle in. And you can say things like the story I tell myself is when you make a joke about my boyfriend, the Amazon guy being around, that somehow me buying stuff for the house like doesn't sit well with you.

• 35:27Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 35:28Dr. John Delony?

  Right? And he can learn not to make that joke anymore. Or, um, you can learn, ah, it's just a stupid story I'm telling myself. I'm running this household. I'm taking my CEO skills that I was using at another place when I was a breadwinner and I'm running this thing.

• 35:45Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 35:45Dr. John Delony?

  And he can say, the story I'm telling myself is you love me a little bit less because I don't make more money.

• 35:50Speaker 02

  Hmm, yeah.

• 35:51Dr. John Delony?

  And y'all can give yourself an opportunity to be open and kind of level set. Because, because the joking, like in my house, that's always a joke. My wife was a gangster. She made more money than me. She was this rock star professor. And like now to this day, like she stays at home. She, she has her own small business, but she stays at home and like she runs the place. And I'll occasionally like, oh man, you're spending my money again. And I didn't realize that that was kind of a jab. She felt that.

• 36:20Speaker 02

  Mm hmm.

• 36:20Dr. John Delony?

  And it wasn't until she committed to making the jokes that it loosened the grip. When I'd be like, hey, what are you doing today? She goes, I'm going to spend all your money. And I, but you get what I'm saying? But that was her way of running directly into the anxiety.

• 36:35Speaker 02

  Yep. I, I love that. I love that.

• 36:38Dr. John Delony?

  But that only came from us having a conversation where she said, I feel like every time you make a joke, you're kind of pointing it out. And I was like, oh my gosh, dude, I'm a walking train wreck. Like, no, spend all of it. Like you, you keep the lights on here, right?

• 36:52Speaker 02

  I do.

• 36:53Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. So, but, but I mean, that just is us having that story.

• 36:57Speaker 02

  Yeah. Awesome.

• 36:58Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. And can I just tell you one last thing?

• 37:00Speaker 02

  Yeah, absolutely.

• 37:01Dr. John Delony?

  Um, I think your marriage is stronger than you think it is right now.

• 37:07Speaker 02

  Hmm.

• 37:10Dr. John Delony?

  I think I've got it. It sounds like I got a husband who's working really hard for his family and I have a wife who loves this guy and y'all are just, he slowly started speaking Spanish and you've slowly started speaking Greek and you just need to make a commitment to start speaking the same language again.

• 37:23Speaker 02

  Hmm. Thank you for that.

• 37:26Dr. John Delony?

  Is that cool?

• 37:26Speaker 02

  Yep.

• 37:27Dr. John Delony?

  All right. You're awesome. I appreciate the call. Call anytime. Um, yeah, I love the idea of a stay, sweep the arm, like we used to be married like this and now we're gonna rebuild something amazing and new and cool and um, let's block off half of a Saturday morning and let's call a babysitter or your kids may be old enough now, let's call somebody or they can take care of themselves for half a day and let's just go reimagine it in the best possible way. Cause we've chosen how we got here and now we can choose whatever we want to choose moving forward. Awesome, Amy. Awesome. We'll be right back. All right. Hey, I just let Amy from Indianapolis go and I got to talking too much and I distracted the whole conversation and I never even answered your question, Amy.

• 38:08Speaker 02

  Yeah, I'm still here.

• 38:10Dr. John Delony?

  I don't know how you say this in Latin, but I kinda blew that last call. So, we talked a lot about your marriage. You called and said, "How do I pay off this debt and how do I get debt free and how do I teach my kid?"

• 38:22Speaker 02

  But at the same time, it was great because I take things personally and when we have these conversations and so your tips on communication was really helpful.

• 38:33Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, awesome. Well, I appreciate that. You're making me feel not like I need to just get a new job. All right, so listen, here's the deal. I'm gonna hook you up with a couple of tools that will walk you through it, okay?

• 38:43Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 38:43Dr. John Delony?

  So, you probably know I work for Ramsey Solutions and I also co-host a whole other show that's a financial show, How People Get Out of Debt, The Ramsey Show. And um, so I'm gonna send you a couple of things. Number one, I'm gonna send y'all the original, or they've been reshot, obviously, but the Financial Peace University um, videos. I'm gonna send them to you for free, okay?

• 39:03Speaker 02

  Okay, awesome.

• 39:04Dr. John Delony?

  And the way I've seen couples, um, especially when one really wants to get control of their finances and get out of debt and stop making other people rich, right? Just that piece of, if my husband loses his job, if he quits, if something were to happen to him, God forbid, we're okay because we don't owe anybody anything. Um, the most common connection I've seen people make when one really wants to do that and the other doesn't really care, doesn't care about getting out of debt or whatever, is when one person says this, "I don't feel safe." I don't feel safe knowing that if something happened to you, especially if someone who works in law enforcement, that Ford doesn't care. Ford Motor Company wants their money. Or our mortgage company wants their money. Right? So that's number one. I'm gonna send you that.

• 39:49Dr. John Delony?

  The second one is, is the app that my wife and I use. It's called Every Dollar. I think it's the best budgeting app on the planet. I'm gonna send you the premium version for a year. And here's what it does. It connects to your bank. Y'all can put the things in it. You can put all your debts in it. And, but when one of you buys something, it shows up for the other person, too.

• 40:09Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 40:09Dr. John Delony?

  It just keeps you all connected.

• 40:11Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 40:12Dr. John Delony?

  All right? And you put it in there. You budget together once a month. And I didn't know this, but turns out like budgeting and talking about calendars can turn into this wild aphrodisiac. I did not know that, but here we are. Right? But just this idea that we're gonna plan the month ahead together, right? And we're gonna be on the same page together. It's pretty amazing. But this thing helps you do it in real time every day, especially when you forget like, "Oh, I ran through and grabbed some Starbucks," but it pops up. And you can hold each other accountable that way. But it comes down to intentionality. And then you've got a 12-year-old and a 14-year-old. What's the cognitive awareness of your special needs 14-year-old?

• 40:48Speaker 02

  Um, he just loves toys and loves to buy them and loves to buy gifts for everybody.

• 40:53Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, okay. What's his, uh, where is he developmentally?

• 40:59Speaker 02

  Um, he's probably like early elementary school.

• 41:02Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, okay. All right. So your 12-year-old is, I think, perfect age to begin to see what the family budget looks like.

• 41:10Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 41:11Dr. John Delony?

  And to begin to know, here's how much money the electric bill costs.

• 41:15Speaker 02

  Yep.

• 41:16Dr. John Delony?

  And here's how we move that money over to pay it. And this is all the money we have left. And they begin to go, "Oh, man, wow." And so when mom says, "Hey, turn the lights off," they get it.

• 41:26Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 41:27Dr. John Delony?

  Right? But I think bringing them in, and maybe you don't bring them into the entire conversation, but you bring them in and maybe let them hit the button. And on the electric bill or the water bill, and they get to see how much it costs. And they get to participate in that. But 12, I think, is, is a good age to start bringing them into that conversation.

• 41:44Speaker 02

  Okay. Very cool.

• 41:46Dr. John Delony?

  Is that cool?

• 41:47Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 41:48Dr. John Delony?

  All right, so those two tools will help. At the end of the day, if you wanna get out of debt, you and your husband have to get on the same page, share accounts, get all that crap out on the open. Here's what we owe. Here's what we're trying to do. Here's our side business and your side hustles and what, blah, blah, blah.

• 42:01Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 42:01Dr. John Delony?

  All that. We gotta get on the same page, and then we just have to be intentional.

• 42:04Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 42:05Dr. John Delony?

  And the debt snowball. I'm gonna pay off things smallest to largest. I don't care what the interest rate is, blah, blah, blah, blah. We're gonna pay off things smallest to largest and just get the stupid stuff done.

• 42:15Speaker 02

  Okay, cool.

• 42:17Dr. John Delony?

  Is that cool?

• 42:17Speaker 02

  Awesome.

• 42:18Dr. John Delony?

  Alright, y'all commit to watching those videos together. Hang on the line here, we'll get you hooked up with those free tools. They're all digital tools and they're awesome. And if you guys are listening to this and you think, ma'am, this is the year I want to just not owe anybody anything. I want freedom in my own freaking house. I want peace in my house. Um, go to the link in the description below here and we'll send you to all these rad tools. These are tools, I use them in my house. I use them in my house. So, there you go. We'll be right back.

• 42:46Dr. John Delony?

  Alright, good folks. The modern world exposes us to things that were unheard of until just a few decades ago. And I don't mean endless streams of cat videos or AI influencers. I'm talking about screens in our homes and offices, fluorescent lights, EMFs, these things that can affect our mood, our sleep, our anxiety, and more. And that's why I'm so excited to partner with Bond Charge, a world leader in red light therapy and EMF blocking gear. I use Bond Charge products all of the time, literally every single day, and I love them. And here's why you'll love them too. Studies show red light therapy can help boost your mood, reduce stress, and help with sleep. It can help you recover from aches and pains,

• 43:27Dr. John Delony?

  transform your skin, and even help with cellulite and stretch marks. My red light therapy panels, the infrared sauna blanket, the EMF mat, and more have become a cornerstone of my health and wellness routine. I use them every day. And I want you to check out Bond Charge's other amazing products like blue light glasses, EMF protection products, infrared sauna blankets, and 100% blackout sleep masks, and more. Go to bondcharge.com/deloney and use coupon code DELONY to save 15%. That's B-O-N-C-H-A-R-G-E, bondcharge.com/deloney and use coupon code DELONY to save 15%.

• 44:07Dr. John Delony?

  All right, let's go to Gatlinburg, Tennessee and talk to Gail. Hey, Gail, what's up?

• 44:12Speaker 03

  Hey, I'm good, Dr. Deloney. Thank you for taking my call.

• 44:15Dr. John Delony?

  Absolutely. How are you?

• 44:17Speaker 03

  Good.

• 44:18Dr. John Delony?

  Excellent. What's up? How can I help?

• 44:20Speaker 03

  My question is, why am I struggling so much to overcome this sadness after my grandson was born with Down's Syndrome?

• 44:28Dr. John Delony?

  Oh, man. Tell me. You tell me.

• 44:32Speaker 03

  Okay, so I just, I feel like three, four of his life opportunities have just gone down the drain since he was born.

• 44:40Dr. John Delony?

  What does that mean?

• 44:41Speaker 03

  Just to me, just things he cannot do with the diagnosis. He won't be able to drive. He won't be able to go to certain camps.

• 44:54Speaker 03

  No phone calls, no party invites. Just, I'm just projecting so much negativity, I guess. Trying to get past this.

• 45:04Dr. John Delony?

  There you go.

• 45:05Speaker 03

  It gets triggered every time I see a newborn or a young child that's typical versus his atypical diagnosis.

• 45:14Speaker 03

  Yeah. I'm just having a hard time with it. I don't know why.

• 45:17Dr. John Delony?

  Well, I mean, it's number one, you know that his life's gonna be different.

• 45:22Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 45:22Dr. John Delony?

  And in many ways, it's gonna be a struggle.

• 45:24Speaker 03

  Right.

• 45:25Dr. John Delony?

  And there's health implications and depending on all sorts of factors, there, you know, there's lifespan challengers, there's all sorts of issues. So you see that and you're compassionate and you care.

• 45:37Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 45:38Dr. John Delony?

  Right? It's easy to overlook the fact that a typical kid's gonna have tons of challenges too. They're just different.

• 45:45Speaker 03

  Right.

• 45:46Dr. John Delony?

  And that a kid born with Down's Syndrome may have more, right? So that's number one.

• 45:53Dr. John Delony?

  The fact that you're sad just means you're projecting this kid's gonna have a tough, a tough, a tough road and that breaks your heart.

• 46:01Speaker 03

  Right. Right.

• 46:03Dr. John Delony?

  The second one is, is you used the word project and I love that. You had a picture when you're, was it your daughter or your son?

• 46:10Speaker 03

  It was my daughter.

• 46:11Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, when your daughter called you and said, I'm having, I'm pregnant, we're gonna have a baby.

• 46:18Speaker 03

  Right.

• 46:19Dr. John Delony?

  Instantly, you, a picture was created in your mind. It was a VHS tape of what was gonna happen.

• 46:27Dr. John Delony?

  And so I think what you're dealing with is less grief that you have a healthy kid.

• 46:35Dr. John Delony?

  Less grief, because the stories, you know, they're not necessarily true. Kids get invited to birthday parties, maybe able to drive, maybe not. Um, maybe able to go to camps, maybe not to go to certain camps, but will get to go to other camps.

• 46:49Speaker 03

  Right.

• 46:49Dr. John Delony?

  Will laugh and have joy and have, like, just, right, all kinds of things. A whole spectrum of things. Um, but you had a picture in your head of what it was gonna look like, and that picture's different now.

• 47:02Speaker 03

  Right.

• 47:04Dr. John Delony?

  And so I think it's you acknowledging, oh, I instantly created a picture, and I gotta make peace with the fact that picture's gonna be different. And it's okay to be sad about that.

• 47:13Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 47:16Dr. John Delony?

  The challenge is not projecting that sadness onto the kid especially, and not projecting onto your daughter.

• 47:21Speaker 03

  Right.

• 47:23Dr. John Delony?

  And then often, the best solution to some of this stuff is information, education.

• 47:29Speaker 03

  Right.

• 47:29Dr. John Delony?

  And so that's means, I'm gonna, I'm gonna go meet with some parents who've got kids who've got Down syndrome. I'm gonna go get a part, become a grandparents of Down syndrome kids. Surely there's a Facebook group, Facebook group or everything. Um, but I'm gonna learn about this, and you're probably gonna find a significant amount of relief.

• 47:47Speaker 03

  Yeah, okay, I got you.

• 47:49Dr. John Delony?

  But I want you to head into it. Right now, you've, you feel sad, and you feel guilty that you feel sad, and so it's causing you to not, to stay away, right?

• 47:59Speaker 03

  Yeah, well, you know, it's like a gut kick.

• 48:02Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 48:03Speaker 03

  You know, like, especially when I see other, other little kids, other newborns and children.

• 48:10Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, but that's a scarcity thing. Can you celebrate them? Can you whisper a quick prayer?

• 48:15Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 48:16Dr. John Delony?

  I wish you an amazing life.

• 48:19Speaker 03

  I just wish he has an amazing life and...

• 48:22Dr. John Delony?

  No, no, no, every time you see a typical kid.

• 48:25Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 48:25Dr. John Delony?

  Every time you see a mother holding a brand-new baby that quote-unquote "looks perfect" to you, and you don't know that story of that baby. You don't know what congenital heart defects that baby has, you don't know what ticking time bomb, whatever that kid has. But I want you to practice the gratitude. I want you to wish them well.

• 48:44Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 48:45Dr. John Delony?

  Because here's the thing, you wishing evil on them, are you being sad about them? Or are you cheering them on? Quite honestly, it doesn't affect them at all. It does affect you.

• 48:57Speaker 03

  Right.

• 48:57Dr. John Delony?

  And your body will respond to each one of those stories you choose to dwell on.

• 49:04Dr. John Delony?

  And if you choose to dwell on screw that young mom right there, it's not fair. I can't believe it.

• 49:11Dr. John Delony?

  Your body dumps adrenaline and cortisol into your body, into your bloodstream. You just stew in it and based in it. Gotcha. Or if you see that mom and you run up and go, oh, my gosh, my daughter just had a baby too. Let me see this thing. And you look at that mom and say, I wish both of you the absolute grandest adventures of all time. Okay. Then your body, you get to, your body lifts up, right? Your spirits lift. And even if you walk away and you're a little bit sad, that's okay. Right, okay. Right, it's kind of like when somebody cuts you off in traffic. You can flip them off and bang the steering wheel and be like, you're probably a Democrat or you're probably a Republican. Right, you can, you can do that.

• 49:51Dr. John Delony?

  And you have the stroke, not them, they don't even know, they're listening to their stupid music. They're not listening, you know, they don't pay attention to you. Or you can just exhale, drop your shoulders and whisper a quick prayer. Dear God, hope to get to the hospital before his wife passes.

• 50:08Dr. John Delony?

  And one of those drops your heart rate, makes you a little bit more compelled. You get to pick.

• 50:15Dr. John Delony?

  But I don't want you to beat yourself up for your feelings. Your feelings are your feelings are your feelings. Right. Okay. But also, I don't know, man, I've just met some pretty extraordinary families where somebody's got Down syndrome. I've met some amazing people with Down syndrome. I've met some amazing families. And again, there's a spectrum of, of like social ability and ability to get a job versus they need more caretaking. It's just a wide spectrum. So who knows how it plays out and how it ends up. But man, there is so much laughter and joy and no way in fun and exploration and curiosity to be had.

• 50:59Dr. John Delony?

  And I just suggest you double down on that is with all your heart. Right.

• 51:05Speaker 03

  And, you know, that's what I'll do moving forward for sure, but, um, I was just trying to remember when my kids were little, I didn't even remember them having any friends that had Down's Syndrome, or anyone in our class having Down's Syndrome.

• 51:20Dr. John Delony?

  Well, and back in the day, they sequestered everybody.

• 51:22Speaker 03

  Gotcha.

• 51:24Dr. John Delony?

  They moved them into special class away from traditional, and they've integrated classes a lot more.

• 51:28Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 51:30Dr. John Delony?

  And so, if you went to a, a public school right now, you'd probably see more students walking around with various, you know, like, non-typical challenges.

• 51:40Speaker 03

  Gotcha.

• 51:41Dr. John Delony?

  I think our learning exceptionality is, I don't know, the positive spin they've tried to put on it these days, but you're just gonna see a lot of different, a lot of kids with special needs more integrated into traditional classrooms.

• 51:50Speaker 03

  Right.

• 51:51Dr. John Delony?

  And, this is gonna sound bananas, but you weren't looking for it then, so that doesn't mean it wasn't there.

• 51:56Speaker 03

  That's true.

• 51:58Dr. John Delony?

  Right, there's that, there's some, there's that psychology about like, when you buy a red car, you see red cars everywhere.

• 52:04Speaker 03

  Right.

• 52:05Dr. John Delony?

  Because you're finally looking for it.

• 52:07Speaker 03

  Right.

• 52:08Dr. John Delony?

  And so, um, whatever your, what was that Brene Brown says, whatever you go looking for, you're sure to find, like, you, you didn't go looking for it, so you, you could've seen it and not even registered it.

• 52:17Speaker 03

  True.

• 52:18Dr. John Delony?

  And, so, you'll see it a lot more now.

• 52:21Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 52:22Dr. John Delony?

  And you'll smile a lot more, and you'll see the laughter a lot more, and you'll learn some skills.

• 52:28Speaker 03

  Right.

• 52:29Dr. John Delony?

  But, your, your feelings are your feelings, and they're okay. Don't beat yourself up for them.

• 52:34Speaker 03

  Alrighty, I gotcha.

• 52:36Dr. John Delony?

  And then go do the next right thing.

• 52:37Speaker 03

  Right.

• 52:39Dr. John Delony?

  And by the way, buckle up, because you're about to be loved, in a way you have never been loved before.

• 52:46Speaker 03

  Alright.

• 52:48Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 52:49Speaker 03

  Alrighty.

• 52:50Dr. John Delony?

  Hey, you're awesome. Thank you so much for the call. We'll be right back. Alright, good folks, Lent is just a few weeks away, and if you haven't heard of Lent, it's a practice that goes back centuries, and it's when Christians all over the world would get ready for Good Friday and Easter through different kinds of prayer, meditation, and fasting. Lent is about getting rid of all of those things or habits in your life that get in the way of knowing God, and of ultimately living a full, joyful life. So whether you grew up in the Christian tradition and you want to experience Lent in a new way, or you think the whole thing sounds kinda nuts and you want to learn more, check out Hallow's Lent Pray 40 Challenge. The Lent Pray 40 Challenge walks you through great stories and guided prayers.

• 53:33Dr. John Delony?

  Last year, more than a million people around the world prayed with Hallow every day during Lent, and this year will be even bigger and better. Right now, you can get three months of Hallow, the number one prayer app in the world, for free when you sign up at hallow.com/deloney. And this means your free trial will last all the way through Lent. And when you join Hallow, you can check out over 10,000 of their guided prayers and meditations. So download the app and sign up at hallow.com/deloney to get notified when the Lent Pray 40 Challenge starts. That's hallow, H-A-L-L-O-W, dot com slash deloney for three months of Hallow absolutely free. All right, we are back.

• 54:14Dr. John Delony?

  Hey, don't forget to subscribe to the show, take 30 seconds and leave a five-star review, and send these episodes to your friends, your loved ones, or people you don't like. You can bomb them. I'm super grateful for the support. All right, Kelly, am I the problem? Go for it.

• 54:31Speaker 04

  All right, this is from Cheryl in Cleveland, Tennessee. She says, "How do I tell my sister, who I love and respect, that I don't want her to evangelize to my neighbors and strangers when we are out together? We are of different faiths, and it is difficult for me to feel comfortable after she does this. I have tried, but I think she believes that she is doing God's work, and that trumps my opinion, so she continues."

• 54:54Dr. John Delony?

  I don't even know, man. Sounds like she has told her, and she's been like, "I don't care, God's more important than you."

• 55:04Speaker 04

  Yeah, does sound like, I mean, she's already told her, so I think at this point, the ball's, I don't think she's the problem. I don't think there's a problem here, but now she gets to choose.

• 55:15Dr. John Delony?

  You don't get to be around my friends anymore.

• 55:17Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 55:20Dr. John Delony?

  Or maybe she needs to fix her attitude before she gets struck by the lightnings. That's what I think. Who, who, who is this who wrote in?

• 55:31Speaker 04

  Cheryl.

• 55:31Dr. John Delony?

  I think Cheryl, Cheryl, you need to fix your attitude, sister. I'm just playing.

• 55:36Dr. John Delony?

  I'm just trying to have some F U N period. Alright, so listen, I, I don't know. It sounds like she's already told her. And so I think sometimes it's strange when somebody just, you put a boundary down, like, hey, please don't say that in front of my kids. And they just blow right through it in the, like, to the point that you think you're crazy. Like, did you not hear that? Or, hey, this is a dress up event and they just show up in sweats and a t-shirt. You're like, I know, I told you, right? Then you just have a choice to make. You're gonna blow it up and say you need to leave? Or are you gonna say, whatever? That's just my sister, right? I, I think most people in Cleveland, Tennessee, understand there's just some people that want to talk about the L O R D all day long, all day er day.

• 56:18Dr. John Delony?

  And it just is what it is. And I, I think she might be feeling more sensitivity in her own chest than other people are feeling. Um, I like to hear when people are really passionate about their faith. I like to hear about it. Like, it makes me feel good. Like, that they feel safe enough and compelled enough and passionate enough to just let it, I like that. I like that, so.

• 56:37Speaker 04

  Yeah, it makes me wonder almost, and this is purely conjecture. Um, does Cheryl, I mean, she said they were of different faiths.

• 56:44Dr. John Delony?

  I'm one of Cheryl's the one that doesn't like the message, not the friends.

• 56:47Speaker 04

  The message, yeah. And it may be, um, I don't know Cheryl is of like, I don't want to say no faith, but you know, she's a non-believer or just a completely different faith.

• 56:56Dr. John Delony?

  Or she's like Ben, she worships rocks or something. I don't know what she worships.

• 56:59Speaker 04

  But I think, um, yeah, is the issue that Cheryl has more of an issue with it.

• 57:03Dr. John Delony?

  Yes, I think, I, I think you're right. I think she's the one with the challenges of what's being said, not the, not the neighbors. Most people are pretty respectful. Or they'll just respectfully say, I don't believe anything you just said. Like, and we move on with our lives, but I don't know. If you, I think that's a good call out. If this is a proxy, if the neighbors are like, the neighbors are really upset, the neighbors don't care. It's you. So you need to sit down with your sister and say, I don't believe any of this. I don't want to be your, I don't want to hear about it. Or you can just let your sister. Talk about the things she feels compelled to talk about. Ta-da. I don't know. You're always talking about like old person stuff all the time and we kind of let you run. Like your joints and I don't know, hot flashes, I don't know whatever stuff you're talking about.

• 57:50Speaker 04

  None of those.

• 57:54Dr. John Delony?

  You've not one time ever mentioned any of that stuff, so out of fairness. But I would like to call this out. I have noticed you are invoking, you're wearing more colorful things this year.

• 58:07Speaker 04

  Yes, that's by choice.

• 58:09Dr. John Delony?

  By choice?

• 58:09Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 58:10Dr. John Delony?

  I feel like you are invoking joy.

• 58:16Speaker 04

  In my own way.

• 58:17Dr. John Delony?

  In your own subversive way.

• 58:18Speaker 04

  Without having to be joyful myself.

• 58:20Dr. John Delony?

  You are continuing to be not joyful at all, but you're wearing clothes that project joy.

• 58:27Speaker 04

  Trying to inject some color into very drab winter. January is stuff, it's just.

• 58:33Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, I agree.

• 58:34Speaker 04

  You know, so.

• 58:35Dr. John Delony?

  And then everyone on our show just wears black and sad colors.

• 58:38Speaker 04

  Well, like yesterday I had on all black, black shirt, black pants, everything. But I had on hot pink shoes because I was like, dang it, we'll wear some color somewhere.

• 58:47Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, that ended up in a meeting too.

• 58:48Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 58:49Dr. John Delony?

  We talked about that.

• 58:49Speaker 04

  Hey, I wanted to point out real quick, and you and I talked about this off air, but to the, if our previous caller is listening.

• 58:56Speaker 04

  There, just Google the poem, Welcome to Holland.

• 59:00Dr. John Delony?

  The what?

• 59:01Speaker 04

  Why is it poem, poem? What is it I say weird there?

• 59:05Dr. John Delony?

  A poem?

• 59:06Speaker 04

  Poem?

• 59:06Dr. John Delony?

  A poem? It's two syllables. Poem.

• 59:09Speaker 04

  A story.

• 59:10Dr. John Delony?

  Poem.

• 59:11Speaker 04

  It's a short story called.

• 59:13Dr. John Delony?

  Poem sounds like, like a.

• 59:15Speaker 04

  Poem, a poem. Is that better?

• 59:19Dr. John Delony?

  When I think of a poem, I think of like a wooden pogo stick.

• 59:26Speaker 04

  Anyway, a short story written by a woman, a special needs parent. It's called Welcome to Holland. And it's just a great story about, this is from a mother's perspective of giving birth and thinking that I'm going to have a, you know, quote unquote typical child. And then you have a special needs child. But it's a great way to think about it of, this isn't better or worse, it's just different. And now I have to think differently. But to any, you know, I was thinking about that with her. It's a great story to read. The whole idea is you've planned for a trip to Italy. You've got, you've done all the research, you've got all the books, you've done everything you could do. You get on the plane, because you're going to Italy, you've planned for it for months. You get off and they say, "Welcome to Holland." And you're like, "Wait, what?"

• 1:00:10Dr. John Delony?

  Yes.

• 1:00:11Speaker 04

  So now, all of a sudden, Holland is beautiful.

• 1:00:13Dr. John Delony?

  But you're not in Italy.

• 1:00:14Speaker 04

  But I'm not in Italy.

• 1:00:15Dr. John Delony?

  Right.

• 1:00:16Speaker 04

  But I'm here, and it's pretty cool, but I have to learn now. I didn't plan for any of this, and now I have to learn about it.

• 1:00:21Dr. John Delony?

  Love that.

• 1:00:22Speaker 04

  And then the idea is, but the tulips, the whole like thing about it is, but the tulips are pretty in Holland.

• 1:00:26Dr. John Delony?

  That's right.

• 1:00:27Speaker 04

  Yeah, so it's a great, I mean, story, short story, whatever we're calling it.

• 1:00:32Dr. John Delony?

  It's called a poeme.

• 1:00:33Speaker 04

  Let's just end the show.

• 1:00:36Dr. John Delony?

  All right, America, make sure you read some more poemes and be kind to one another. Love you all. Bye.