The Red Flags You Keep Ignoring! (Don’t Let Men Treat You Like This!!)

Listen to PART 2 - airing Monday, July 8th! Welcome back to The School of Greatness! We have a very special episode for you today. For the first time ever, we're in the studio with two incredible relationship experts, Sadia Khan and Matthew Hussey, to explore the reasons you're still single and how to navigate the complexities of modern dating. Sadia is a psychologist and relationship coach who works with people around the world, and Matthew is a New York Times bestselling author renowned for his work in helping individuals build healthier relationships. Both are SOG fan favorites, so I'm thrilled to moderate this enlightening deep dive on relationships. Follow the show and stay tuned for part 2 and 3 of this round table discussion with Sadia and Matthew, now let’s dive in! In this episode you will learnwhy you might be sabotaging your own relationships without even realizing it.the surprising truth about emotional availability in men and women today.the addictive emotions that keep you stuck in unhealthy relationship patterns.the red and green flags that can make or break your dating life.how social media and hookup culture are impacting your chances for lasting love. For more information go to www.lewishowes.com/1623For more Greatness text PODCAST to +1 (614) 350-3960More SOG episodes from Sadia Khan and Matthew Hussey:These Dating MYTHS Are DESTROYING Your Love Life (What A Healthy Partner REALLY Wants!) | Sadia Khan – https://link.chtbl.com/1533-podMatthew Hussey's Expert Tips for Attracting and Maintaining True Love – https://link.chtbl.com/1490-podHave you signed up for Tony Robbins & Dean Graziosi's live event yet? Get more from Lewis! Get my New York Times Bestselling book, Make Money Easy! Get The Greatness Mindset audiobook on SpotifyText Lewis AIYouTubeInstagramWebsiteTiktokFacebookX

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Lewis Howes?

  I'm so excited because this is a first on the School of Greatness.

• 0:03Matthew Hussey?

  Sadia, this is what he brought us here for. What do you think he set this up for?

• 0:08Lewis Howes?

  All right, you guys ready? We have the inspiring Sadia Khan in the house, who is an incredible- Psychologist and dating coach.

• 0:14Matthew Hussey?

  One of the best psychologists in the game, Sadia Khan.

• 0:17Lewis Howes?

  And we have Matthew Hussey.

• 0:19Speaker 02

  Matthew Hussey is a New York Times bestselling author, speaker-

• 0:21Lewis Howes?

  Dating and relationships expert and coach Matthew Hussey. When someone is playing a game, either texting or on dates, what is that saying about them?

• 0:30Sadia Khan?

  They're entering a relationship with a desire to preserve their ego rather than truly connect with that person.

• 0:36Lewis Howes?

  Wow, that's interesting.

• 0:37Matthew Hussey?

  I could not text you back for three days. And if you're the person who buys into the illusion that that must make me more valuable, then I can raise my value simply by ignoring you for three days.

• 0:47Sadia Khan?

  So there is self-preservation, but in the process, it's self-destruction.

• 0:51Lewis Howes?

  Wow, okay.

• 0:52Matthew Hussey?

  For you, it's that men want connection, but women are so jaded at this point that they're not offering it.

• 0:59Sadia Khan?

  Yeah.

• 1:00Matthew Hussey?

  I have to say, that feels like the vast minority of women.

• 1:04Sadia Khan?

  What you're really signaling is, I'm so desperate to be loved that I'll push it away and make you think that I don't want it.

• 1:11Matthew Hussey?

  I truly believe in my bones, the more in life you accept yourself and every part of yourself, you see more people as wonderful, not less.

• 1:21Lewis Howes?

  Welcome back, everyone, to the School of Greatness. Very excited about this special episode. We have two relationship experts and coaches in the house today. We have Sadia Khan and we have Matthew Hussey. Sadia is a psychologist and a relationship coach that works with people all over the world with well over 100 million views on your videos. Matthew Hussey, over a half a billion views on his videos, New York Times bestselling author. And both of them, you both help people navigate relationships, relationship dynamics, social, human dynamics, dating scene, people in relationships, going through breakups. So we're going to talk about a lot of these different things today. And I'm so excited because this is a first on the School of Greatness.

• 2:04Lewis Howes?

  So thank you both for being here. I've known you both for a while. I know personal things about both of you, which I'm excited about. I'm not going to say the things, but I know personal things about both of you.

• 2:14Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 2:15Lewis Howes?

  And I see the work you do professionally as well. And I'm excited to see what unfolds here today. This first conversation is going to be talking about- When you're single or dating.

• 2:26Sadia Khan?

  Mm-hmm.

• 2:27Lewis Howes?

  And there's a lot of talk about red flags. You see this almost every title of every video right now. What are the red flags? And what I want to ask you guys first is about the green flags. And why do people tend to sabotage? When they actually have green flags in front of them? With a person they're dating, experiencing, getting to know. Why do some people tend to sabotage that? When they actually have someone who's not toxic in front of them? And I'll, and I'll start with ladies first.

• 2:57Sadia Khan?

  Yeah.

• 2:59Lewis Howes?

  That when, when you see that, or when someone sees that, I don't know if you have girlfriends or like, yeah. He was like just a great guy, but I sabotaged it.

• 3:05Sadia Khan?

  Mm-hmm.

• 3:06Lewis Howes?

  Why does that happen? For men or women? Is it because they're emotionally unavailable? Is because they've never seen someone in a healthy relationship with themselves before? Why would you say?

• 3:16Sadia Khan?

  I would say that the barrier to intimacy has become their self-esteem. And unfortunately for them, and it happens to a lot of people. They have developed a core belief about themselves, either through their childhood or through adult relationships. Where they believe that love should be a struggle, it should be difficult, and it shouldn't be smooth sailing. And when it is smooth, and somebody does show them love and compassion, because they don't have love and compassion for themselves. They start to question the judgment of the person who is showing them love. And they start to think there's something wrong in that person. And the smoothness that they acquire in the relationship is something that they're just not used to. And they have attributed love to being chaotic, difficult, turbulent. When it's not like that, they just think that they haven't got an attachment. They think in order for me to be loved, I should be obsessing of them.

• 4:01Sadia Khan?

  I should be wondering what they're doing. I should be checking their social media. I should be anxious. When the anxiety is stripped of love, they think it's deprived of its fundamental ingredient. When really, it's being infused with peace, which they're just not used to.

• 4:13Lewis Howes?

  Wow, that's interesting. I love that we started with this right now. I don't know if that's something that you would relate to, or if you agree with, or you think there's something else to add there?

• 4:24Matthew Hussey?

  No, I think it comes from different places. Familiarity is, you know, it drives us so often in life. And familiarity doesn't really care whether something is good or bad. Just that it's known. And I like, I never used to, I remember in my twenties, I never used to understand what people meant when they said like fear of success. Cause I was like, why would anyone be afraid of success? And then I realized I probably was afraid of success. Like anytime things got too hot, anytime like I felt like everything was a runaway train. I would find myself getting nervous. And why was I getting nervous? Well, because it was just unknown. It was like I'd never, I'd never gone that far before. I'd never been there and unknown territory is just unknown territory.

• 5:09Matthew Hussey?

  When things feel unfamiliar, we, we get afraid of them. They feel disconcerting, they can feel boring.

• 5:16Sadia Khan?

  Yeah.

• 5:18Matthew Hussey?

  Strange. And so it's our, our body has a way of searching for, for what is familiar. I, I also think it shouldn't be discounted that there are certain feelings that just feel good. What are those feelings? Well, it's like eating pizza. Like eating pizza does feel good.

• 5:38Sadia Khan?

  Yeah, even though it's bad for you.

• 5:41Matthew Hussey?

  There is something it gives, there's something that foods that are bad for you or substances that are bad for you. Give you that is a feeling that is quite addictive and you want to chase it. And of course, a lot of us pay the price over time for chasing those things. And I think sometimes we have to acknowledge that there are certain kinds of people that feel good in the very beginning. There is a certain kind of charm, there is a certain kind of charisma that feels really good.

• 6:11Sadia Khan?

  Yeah, inconsistency is addictive.

• 6:14Matthew Hussey?

  Inconsistency and even just like a kind of superficial charm can be exciting.

• 6:19Sadia Khan?

  Yeah.

• 6:20Matthew Hussey?

  Someone someone's at a dinner table and they tell you great stories and they captivate you. And there is a kind of like.

• 6:27Lewis Howes?

  This person's amazing.

• 6:28Matthew Hussey?

  Yeah, I wanna be around that person.

• 6:30Lewis Howes?

  Speaking speaking into that then, what would you say are the most addictive, I guess, emotions that that are unhealthy? That people get addicted to when they're dating and they're they're starting a relationship? What are those unhealthy addictions around emotions?

• 6:45Sadia Khan?

  In my personal experience of working with clients that come to me, particularly men, when they come to me and they're in this kind of addictive habits. They get addicted to shallow substances like appearance and sex. Usually when they find.

• 6:57Lewis Howes?

  Men.

• 6:58Sadia Khan?

  When they find themselves in emotionally abusive situations, it's because they've placed all of their satisfaction in her appearance and the sexual gratification they receive. And it's almost like a shortcut to an ego boost and they place that on a pedestal. And that becomes their conflict resolution is sex. It becomes their form of status is that she gives them that appearance when they walk around. They don't look for somebody on the same level of them in terms of appearance. They shoot above their shot. They go a bit higher than what they should be going for. And as a result, they've become like a slave and submissive to her behavior simply because she possesses that sexual quality that they've been craving for a really long time. Particularly if they're a man who haven't had access to women throughout their childhood and throughout their life.

• 7:41Sadia Khan?

  And so when they do meet a beautiful girl, they allow her beauty to determine their attachment rather than her character. And that becomes very addictive from a male gaze in my experience. And I don't know as two men, but does sex have that much of a power over them where they can blur their vision on all other characteristics?

• 7:58Lewis Howes?

  I hate to say this, but I'm guilty of this in the past.

• 8:01Sadia Khan?

  It happens?

• 8:02Lewis Howes?

  Well, I mean, it it's it's blinding for a period of time until it isn't.

• 8:07Sadia Khan?

  Right.

• 8:09Lewis Howes?

  And when you think that the character is also there, then you're like, wow, this is unbelievable. But then, you know, I personally, you know, just experienced in my past, I was kind of blinded by that. The beauty and the sexual attraction. And then when I realized that certain values weren't consistent with words. They weren't matching. Over time, you get disinterested in the beauty. You're like, okay.

• 8:33Sadia Khan?

  Does it take something to snap men out of that when they're in that kind of intoxicated state?

• 8:38Lewis Howes?

  Pain, suffering, heartbreak, sadness, depression, you know, it's like a dis-ease, whether it be an emotional dis-ease or physical dis-ease. For me, I think it was kind of both. Whereas like I had to just feel like, man, I don't feel myself. I feel like I'm giving up who I am to try to please someone else. And they're never happy, no matter what I do, how much I change, who I become. It's not enough. And it's, it's exhausting. It was exhausting.

• 9:07Sadia Khan?

  Yeah.

• 9:07Lewis Howes?

  And I think that's when I realized, oh, okay, I chose a certain relationship based out of a wound. Everything you were saying was like speaking to my like wounded child. It was like, okay, yeah, no girls liked me when I was younger, you know, I didn't have any attention.

• 9:22Sadia Khan?

  Because you were an athlete, no?

• 9:24Lewis Howes?

  You know, when it was my teens, it changed. But when I was younger, it was like you didn't get the attention. So when, when I had the, when I was choosing based out of a wounded me. It was like, oh, okay, here's this beautiful opportunity or this experience or whatever it might be. And that was captivating in some ways. That was pulling me in, drawing me in.

• 9:47Sadia Khan?

  And it made you forgive other unacceptable behavior in the moment?

• 9:50Lewis Howes?

  In the moment, but then you, you know, after a period of time, it was like, okay, I, you wake up. I woke up.

• 9:57Sadia Khan?

  Yeah.

• 9:58Lewis Howes?

  And I think those lessons allowed me to have wisdom. And being like, okay, well, that's not really everything, you know, just beauty and sexual connection is not. Does not necessarily mean long-term happiness in a relationship. Maybe, you know, maybe it is, but there has to be other values and things that match.

• 10:17Sadia Khan?

  It shouldn't be the primary filter.

• 10:19Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, and you're saying that a lot of men that you're working with, that you see. Get addicted to sexual connection or beauty.

• 10:28Sadia Khan?

  And attractiveness.

• 10:29Lewis Howes?

  And attractiveness first and how it makes them feel.

• 10:31Sadia Khan?

  Yeah, they'll come to me believing it's some childhood trauma and they'll think it's that. But really it boils down to how much of a priority they've made sex and beauty. And I know it's difficult in this day and age with the advent of pornography and social media, where beauty is the main kind of component of women that we're seeing. But it makes them stuck in a way that they can't explain to themselves. And only when I say, is the sexual chemistry the best you've had? And they're like, yes, it's the best I've ever had. The moment I hear that, I'm like, that's why it's become your, it's become your glue.

• 11:03Lewis Howes?

  They're addicted to it then.

• 11:04Sadia Khan?

  They're addicted to it.

• 11:05Lewis Howes?

  So, and this is something that I, that I think people should try. If they're, if they've found themselves in kind of addictive.

• 11:13Sadia Khan?

  Patterns.

• 11:14Lewis Howes?

  Patterns in previous relationships. Try being with someone and not having sex for a period of time. Wait as long as you can. I'm not saying wait forever, but you know, wait a month, two, three months. For me, you know, with Martha, we, we waited for a long time. And allowed me to say, oh, do I actually want to spend time with this person? If we don't have sex? And I would want everyone to ask themselves the question, if I did not have sex with the person I'm dating right now. Would I want to be with them?

• 11:39Sadia Khan?

  Exactly.

• 11:40Lewis Howes?

  Or would it be too much stress and trouble?

• 11:42Sadia Khan?

  Would I be addicted to them?

• 11:43Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, but yeah, exactly. I don't know. What do, what do you see women?

• 11:47Sadia Khan?

  Yeah.

• 11:48Lewis Howes?

  In your perspective, struggling with in terms of the emotional addictions in dating or in relationship patterns? What is that? Is it sex chemistry or are you seeing something else with the women you work with?

• 11:59Matthew Hussey?

  I was gonna say, I feel like you guys are giving women too much credit. You're, you're letting them off a little lightly here.

• 12:04Sadia Khan?

  I don't get access as much to the female perspective and it's the same kind of, you would imagine?

• 12:09Matthew Hussey?

  I don't think there's, I, I, I'm not seeing a huge difference between men and women in this department at all.

• 12:14Sadia Khan?

  Oh, wow. Interesting.

• 12:15Matthew Hussey?

  I think that women. Women get attracted sexually, they get attracted to someone's looks, to, you know.

• 12:24Lewis Howes?

  Is it more the sexual or the material or the status that women are attracted to? Like, here's a beautiful handsome man, a sexy man, or is it more, oh, he's got status and money and that makes him sexy?

• 12:37Matthew Hussey?

  I think the myth is that it's just all women are go around looking for status and money. And that, you know, when they see status walk into a room, they're like, yes, please. And if that were true, then every

• 12:49Sadia Khan?

  I agree with that.

• 12:50Matthew Hussey?

  Every rich dude that walked into a room would be the hottest property around. And just know that's not true. A lot of guys who make a lot of money get to that point and realize, oh, my God, I need help in meeting women.

• 13:00Lewis Howes?

  Really?

• 13:01Matthew Hussey?

  Because I'm not good at it.

• 13:02Sadia Khan?

  They struggle the most, they struggle the most.

• 13:03Matthew Hussey?

  Really? Because they've spent, so many men spend their whole lives trying to achieve a certain level of status or money, thinking that at some point, there's going to be a door they're going to open in the money world or the status world. And when they walk through that door, all of a sudden, women are going to come flocking.

• 13:20Lewis Howes?

  It doesn't happen all the time.

• 13:21Matthew Hussey?

  And then they find that they're the lonely guy at the party who no one's talking to. And, oh, it turns out it still matters to be able to go and talk to someone. It still matters to be able to carry yourself in a certain way where there's something about you or there's an ability and conversation. So I don't, or I keep losing out to the 25 year old dude, a hot surfer who's broke, who walks into the room and

• 13:46Sadia Khan?

  I agree.

• 13:46Matthew Hussey?

  And is the one getting the attention. So I just, I think there is this myth among men that all our problems will be figured out. If we could just make enough money and if we could just get enough status. And I think there's this myth among women that, or about women, that they're not interested, like, they're not driven in by charisma and looks and sexiness and that, you know, they don't care about those, men are superficial, they care about those things. Women don't care about those things. Not my experience. My experience of women is that they're just as Interested in all of those superficial things that can lure any of us away from deeper values or how someone treats us. Yeah.

• 14:29Matthew Hussey?

  It's not to say that it's there's not, there's not an appeal for some people to someone who's got their life under control. But, but no, I don't, I don't think we should let women off so lightly when it comes to being attracted to the superficial.

• 14:44Lewis Howes?

  Interesting. Now you, Sadi, you've said that you work mostly with men or more men seem to watch your content.

• 14:49Matthew Hussey?

  Yeah.

• 14:49Lewis Howes?

  And you work one on one with more men.

• 14:51Matthew Hussey?

  Oh, well.

• 14:52Lewis Howes?

  Matthew, you, you've leaned more towards working with women, your content towards women, although both of you guys work with, you know, any human being in all genders. But I'm curious, Matthew, with you. When a woman has gone through your workshop or maybe watched your content or, you know, been a part of your community for a while. And then they say, okay, I'm ready to go out there and meet a guy. And there seems like a really healthy, good, kind, compassionate, you know, value driven, spiritual, you know, healthy, conscious man in front of me. And for whatever reason, she's unable to be excited about that. What is that saying about that woman in your mind if she is unable to lean into the green flags

• 15:35Lewis Howes?

  of a healthy, potential mate in front of her? Does she still need work to do? Is she just not emotionally available herself? What does she need to start the process of doing so when she sees someone who's healthy? She can be actually be attracted to them and work towards building a relationship?

• 15:53Matthew Hussey?

  I think it's usually a sign that for, for anyone, men or women alike, that we're not, we're not truly putting our wellbeing first. We're not, we, we, we think the source of our worth is outside of us.

• 16:08Matthew Hussey?

  And we see someone who looks like the kind of equivalent of a VIP nightclub or a VIP waitlist. And we've, you know, it's, there is an instinct, there is an instinct we all have. You walk past 10 restaurants and one of them's super busy and they say, we, we can see you in three hours.

• 16:30Matthew Hussey?

  There's an instinct that says that, you know, this like, maybe this is the one I want to eat at. You might have passed 10 places already, but the one with the three hour waitlist, there's something about that that makes us go, maybe, well, maybe we can hang around for three hours. Maybe it is that good. And the problem is that in, in love and dating, the people who make it feel like there's a three hour waitlist, or, or a six month waitlist, or that they have all the options in the world. They give the impression of being the best meal in town. Interesting. But it doesn't necessarily add up. There's, there's a lot of ways to create that illusion.

• 17:14Matthew Hussey?

  I could not text you back for three days. And, and if you're the person who buys into the illusion that if I'm inconsistent with my communication, that must make me more valuable, then I can raise my value, not by being any more valuable in real terms, but simply by ignoring you for three days. It requires zero calories for me to make myself more valuable in the eyes of someone who's chasing that kind of value. And so. Or someone who might be wounded and needs that validation. Or is coming from that place of, of their model for love is that it is inconsistent, is that it has to be fought for tooth and nail, is that scraps is, is all you can really

• 17:58Matthew Hussey?

  expect. And, and also, you know, again, to, to talk about those feelings that we get in certain situations. If there's someone whose value we've started to raise in our minds because they've made themselves unavailable, which is a very common instinct, it's a very bad instinct, but it's a very common one, that someone's less available, so I start to attribute more value to them. Or if we attribute more valuable, more value to them when they become unavailable, that we now get anxious because we really want to secure them because they're valuable. And we sit there wondering, how do I secure them? How do I secure them? How do I secure them? Ruminating, obsessing, even ruminating is a form of investment.

• 18:38Sadia Khan?

  Yeah.

• 18:38Matthew Hussey?

  Right? Because the moment, if you're thinking about how to solve a problem nonstop, the problem feels like it's really important. You're investing in a person, even though you're not with them, you're investing in them in your mind. So. At the moment, like five days later, after all of that work you've been doing, and all of that obsession and all of that fear and all of that anxiety, when you get a message from them, it can be next to nothing. It can be, what's up?

• 19:04Lewis Howes?

  And you've got all this adrenaline.

• 19:05Matthew Hussey?

  And you've been trying to figure out how to solve this riddle of getting them back into your life. And you get to send a two word message. Yeah. It feels like the most important thing in the world. And of course, when you get that rush of blood to the head, you, how can it not feel kind of euphoric? How can it not give you an extraordinary feeling? And when you get that extraordinary feeling and those chemicals are released, you go, oh, my God, I feel so strongly for this person. But you don't feel strongly for this person. You feel strongly for the dynamic. There's a big difference between those two things. So, you know, we, we, it's about what am I chasing here? Am I chasing a feeling? Am I chasing an idea of value?

• 19:49Matthew Hussey?

  And what is that value based on? Is it based on someone I think is just rare and difficult to get? Or is value based on how great of a person someone is in my life? How much they actually invest in me? What kind of teammate they are? What kind of energy they are? It, it, you know, that, if we start valuing that more, which deep down derives from us valuing ourselves more. Because you don't, if you, if you don't value yourself and you just value a feeling, well, you may as well do a bunch of drugs all day.

• 20:19Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 20:19Matthew Hussey?

  Right, because you just, that's, it's not, drugs might hurt me, but I'm valuing the feeling, not myself. If I value myself, then I think, what do I need to give myself in order to feel better? That's a much more conscious and intentional path to take. It's harder, but it's, it, it's somewhere that leads somewhere much happier. I sometimes, I've had situations, you know, you can take it outside the realm of love life. I've had situation in, situations in business or work where. You know, let's say someone asks me to do their TV show or their podcast. And let's say it's just something I've always wanted to do. Like, I've always wanted to go on this show.

• 21:01Matthew Hussey?

  There is an instinct when you get that email that says, call them right now. Call them immediately. Tell them we're ready. Tell them we could do it this afternoon. Like, we could do it now. Because if they want, I'll get ready. Like, I was, you know, I'm halfway across the world, but I'll fly there tomorrow. There's that instinct. And, you know, if that opportunity goes away because you didn't do it tomorrow, there's a feeling in us that beats ourselves up and says, see, I blew it. But it was never yours. Yes. It was a fly-by-night, like, drive-by, superficial opportunity. If it can't wait a day for you to email back and a couple of weeks for you to book it in.

• 21:45Matthew Hussey?

  Then you have to decide what your relationship is with opportunities in general. Like, do I want to have that relationship with an opportunity where the moment an opportunity comes through the door, I am that opportunity's hostage? Is that the relationship I want to have with opportunity in my life? Whether it's opportunity in business, whether it's opportunity in love. And we have to make that decision. And I got to a point in my life, and it's not I never get, like, activated in that way. Because something big can come through and I'll go, I'll feel myself going to that place. But these days, I'm like, what relationship do I want to have with opportunities in my life? Well, I'm, I'm never going to be the hostage to an opportunity.

• 22:27Matthew Hussey?

  So if it comes through and it happens organically through just normal communication, a normal cadence in a consistent way, and it happens, then wonderful. If it, if it doesn't, then frankly, I don't, I don't want to know. Yeah, interesting.

• 22:48Lewis Howes?

  I wanted to ask, follow up on emotional availability. And it seems like women used to be more in society emotionally available. In, I guess, life and wanting more relationship and emotionally available and needing more from a man. But I'm curious today, from both of your perspectives, who are more emotionally available today? Is it men or women? What do you think?

• 23:13Sadia Khan?

  I think it's tricky to answer because the men I work with, the majority of the time, they're actually looking for something stable. And they can't seem to access it with the women in this day and age. And I don't know if what's happened is because hookup culture has made women immune to connection now. They're kind of used to men just coming and leaving and not calling them and not labeling it, that they've always come into dating with that expectation. And when women lose the kind of driving force of the connection, men don't know how to lead emotional connection. So as a result, we've got endless broken relationships occurring. So I don't know if women are breaking their connection because they want to or because they've been conditioned to because of Tinder and Bumble, which has just created a bunch of people who haven't really got the skills

• 23:58Sadia Khan?

  to maintain long-lasting connections, all finding each other and then breaking up with each other, finding each other and breaking up with each other. I've had clients say to me, I met this beautiful girl, and when I met her and we hooked up, she was like, you can go now if you want. I know you want to go home. And he said, no, I want to get to know you. But she was so used to men being in that state with her, that they've taken relationships and seen them as kind of vacations from their real world, and they'll get back to their real world once the weekend is over. So I think it's more society has conditioned people to not look for connection. And because men tend to place the acceleration of connection in the women's hands, and they're so used to it not being that direction, they've lost control of that and it's now kind of fizzling out for both genders.

• 24:41Lewis Howes?

  Interesting. Do you feel like people actually want to be in a long-term relationship, a committed relationship? Or do they want to just have the feeling of a relationship for a weekend? And be able to have it with multiple people, but never fully go deep with people?

• 24:56Sadia Khan?

  It depends what she values in her life. If in this day and age, you can be twenty-two up until forty-two. So you can still have vacations whenever you want. You can still kind of live an Instagram kind of lifestyle. You can still go out with your friends. There's no kind of shame in being a woman who's a bit older, not married, no kids. You can still enjoy your life. So if that's something, if she values independence and she values freedom, then she's not going to be looking for connection. She's gonna place connection beneath what she values in life. And that's men and women. I would say that applies to both. But if somebody values and recognizes that their root of happiness is their relationships, and their true happiness comes from when they don't need external stimulation, and they don't need vacations, and they don't need all of this.

• 25:38Sadia Khan?

  They actually want someone that they can stay home and get bored and do nothing with. If that's what they value in life, that's, it will depend on what they value. And what they value will depend on what they've experienced the most around them. So if they've experienced people showing them investment, they'll probably value connection more. But if they've experienced being somebody short-term fling every weekend, they'll start to get immune to connection and invested in stimulation instead.

• 26:04Lewis Howes?

  Interesting. What have you noticed or seen around?

• 26:08Matthew Hussey?

  I don't, I don't know. I find it hard to... So you're... For you, it's that men want connection, but women are so jaded at this point that they're not offering it.

• 26:23Sadia Khan?

  Yeah, I feel like they now just go into it with a mentality that this man is probably going to be seeing other girls. He's probably gonna be liking a bunch of pictures. He's probably gonna be dating loads of girls on Tinder. I'm gonna catch his dating profile, still be active. So instead of being the idiot in this situation, I'm gonna take control and I'm going to replicate his behavior. And as a result, they're almost like cheat first before being cheated on. And that's become the mentality. And I think social media has had an impact on that as well. But it's almost like women are like, I'm no longer being the girl that cries over a cheating boyfriend. I'd rather be the one that has a backup boyfriend than be on the receiving end of this humiliation.

• 27:00Matthew Hussey?

  I... Have to say.

• 27:02Sadia Khan?

  Yeah.

• 27:03Matthew Hussey?

  It that feels like the vast minority of women.

• 27:07Sadia Khan?

  Yeah, and I might be here's where I might be on this jaded end because I get the jaded men who have experienced those women. I probably lack access to the ones that are actually trying to just build a nice, healthy connection.

• 27:19Matthew Hussey?

  It also feels like an interesting place to kind of pinpoint the issue because I would say that that even if what you said is true for the majority of women, which I think is the majority of women are actually quite the opposite of that. That the the issue is would I would still circle back to the issue as one of male emotional unavailability.

• 27:39Sadia Khan?

  Okay.

• 27:40Matthew Hussey?

  Because because what we're saying is that there's so many like I I'm not even sure I subscribe to this, but in that theory, there's so many emotionally unavailable men.

• 27:50Sadia Khan?

  Yeah.

• 27:51Matthew Hussey?

  That they've managed to make the entire population of women cynical. To the point where they're now going, God, like, I'm so I so don't believe in the idea of a relationship anymore that I'm just going to mirror that behaviour. Do you think? So the the issue would still lie with men if that was the case.

• 28:08Sadia Khan?

  I would argue it's more that the men the women want. I would say that the tiny minority of men that most women want are the ones that because of the alternatives and the options, they lack the investment. And as a result, the women's experiences, all men are like this, but there's so many nice men, just like there's so many nice women, but people aren't giving those people as much of a chance. So it's almost like the popular kids in school are making the whole school look bad.

• 28:32Matthew Hussey?

  But aren't men doing the same thing?

• 28:34Sadia Khan?

  Absolutely, I would agree a hundred percent.

• 28:36Matthew Hussey?

  Because men, because if if women are going for the top.

• 28:39Sadia Khan?

  Yeah.

• 28:39Matthew Hussey?

  One percent of men, men are going for the top one percent of women and both are. Both are going to have a harder time being emotionally available than other people because that's just a natural kind of when you have choice and a lot of it.

• 28:53Sadia Khan?

  Yeah.

• 28:53Matthew Hussey?

  Then you're naturally going to be more difficult for, and especially if, you know.

• 29:00Matthew Hussey?

  You have ninety percent of people chasing after you. That's going to be a harder place to be available. So I just don't know. I don't know that I see a difference between the sexes when it comes to that.

• 29:09Sadia Khan?

  The only thing I would say is even with men, not only are the top one percent going for the top one percent of women, even the lower end, the bottom one percent are still going for the top one percent through OnlyFans and pornography. And so so they're kind of soothing their emotional unavailability through pseudo relationships. So it's almost like the mid range is there, but they're usually spoken for. So women in the dating pool are either experienced, the top one percent who have loads of options, or the real bottom that have very little options, but are so not used to human connection, that they're a bit more addicted to pornography and video games.

• 29:42Lewis Howes?

  The mid range is more like they're already in committed relationships.

• 29:45Sadia Khan?

  They're the hard ones to find.

• 29:46Lewis Howes?

  They're they're.

• 29:47Sadia Khan?

  The ones with relationship skills.

• 29:49Lewis Howes?

  They're already in relationships, they already got, they've got kids, they're married, they're.

• 29:53Matthew Hussey?

  By that rationale, we're talking about ninety eight percent of men are emotionally available.

• 30:00Sadia Khan?

  But you would say that's too.

• 30:01Lewis Howes?

  They might be committed already.

• 30:02Sadia Khan?

  They might be, yes.

• 30:03Matthew Hussey?

  I mean, I see good, if that's true, if what you said is true, I see nothing but good news there, that the majority, the vast majority of men are great guys who are emotionally available.

• 30:10Lewis Howes?

  But they may not be what women want.

• 30:12Sadia Khan?

  Or want, yeah.

• 30:13Lewis Howes?

  They may not have the skills, they may not have the communication abilities.

• 30:15Sadia Khan?

  They might be lacking other things.

• 30:16Lewis Howes?

  They may not have maybe the financial.

• 30:18Sadia Khan?

  I think height is a huge one. I honestly like.

• 30:21Lewis Howes?

  How big is height for women?

• 30:22Sadia Khan?

  I would say.

• 30:22Lewis Howes?

  Like really though, are women that superficial to think that height is that important for them?

• 30:26Sadia Khan?

  Depending on her height and her level of beauty. I would just say that like sometimes I meet men who are like five four, five three, and they'll say to me, I really, really want a beautiful girl. In my personal experience with beautiful women, what happens with them is they assume every man's super tall, because that's all they've ever experienced. They don't know how to compromise on attractiveness because they've never really needed to. So they see the world through the lens of like, I didn't know men come in a different size. So they can be very shallow with that.

• 30:55Lewis Howes?

  Interesting.

• 30:55Sadia Khan?

  But even unfortunately, I think height is to women what facial beauty is to men. So it kind of has that similar impact. It's not definite, but it has a similar impact.

• 31:07Lewis Howes?

  I mean, you have a lot of women that come to your retreats. Do they say height is a factor for them? Or they're, you know, are all women there that are just like, I'll take a guy shorter than me and it's fine?

• 31:17Matthew Hussey?

  I think, I mean, I tend to meet a lot of people who have reached a point in their lives where they're. They're bringing a kind of awareness to their love life where they're saying, I want to meet someone, I'm not twenty two years old and Yeah. Showing up with this checklist of superficial things. They're conscious about it.

• 31:36Lewis Howes?

  But now they're older though, and they're like, I can't find a guy. I'm willing to kind of spread my options wider now.

• 31:43Matthew Hussey?

  I, I, I would say that we all get to that point where we go, are the things that I once chased, really, do they matter? Do they make any difference to my actual quality of life in a relationship? Um, and you know, height is an interesting thing. If you're a very tall woman, then it's natural, I think, for a lot of women to want someone who's of their height or not drastically different in that sense. But, you know, I think a lot of people just get to the point where they go, this isn't, this isn't the defining factor anymore. In the same way that a lot of guys realize, chasing the prettiest

• 32:25Matthew Hussey?

  girl at school is, I have to grow out of that because that doesn't make her the best partner. It doesn't make her a great person to spend time with. It doesn't, she might be, but it doesn't, it's not automatic. Um, and so I think, I think it's a common thing for everybody to start to let go of some of those superficial factors. But I, I do, I do want to just touch again on the, you know, talking about who's more emotionally unavailable because I do, my, my experience of women is that they really, um, they, they may, there certainly are a group of people on both sides who think they are emotionally available, but are perhaps not. Yeah.

• 33:08Lewis Howes?

  But I- What makes them that? If they think they are, but they're not?

• 33:11Matthew Hussey?

  What makes them unavailable?

• 33:13Lewis Howes?

  What makes them emotionally unavailable?

• 33:14Matthew Hussey?

  Oh, I think it could be any number of things. I think, you know, for some people, it's, they're terrified of- Of just getting hurt. So the idea of letting someone close enough to really hurt them is the scariest thing in the world.

• 33:30Lewis Howes?

  They want love. They wanna feel seen and acknowledged and connected, but they're afraid of it at the same time.

• 33:36Matthew Hussey?

  You, well, they're afraid of the damage someone could do if they got in. And so for that kind of person, what they need is like a, a level of safety. That is actually really hard for anyone to achieve. Because if I don't let you in and I'm like, I'm not gonna let you in until you make me feel really safe. But you don't, you know, I haven't really let you in enough for you to even feel that connected to me. You know, or by the way, something happens four weeks into knowing someone where they forget to text you back for a night. Which is human and happens, but for what was a mistake for you, for me is like an existential threat.

• 34:19Matthew Hussey?

  Like, oh no, I've been getting attached to this person for the last four weeks. They now haven't texted me. They don't like me. What have I done here? And then I say, well, you know what? Screw this person. I'm not gonna text them back for the next three days.

• 34:33Sadia Khan?

  Yeah.

• 34:33Matthew Hussey?

  You know, like they can, now I'm gonna give them that medicine back. And it's not that this person's a bad person. It's just that they're so afraid.

• 34:42Sadia Khan?

  Yeah.

• 34:43Matthew Hussey?

  That it's like, I can't, I can't risk you doing the damage you can do. There's been done to me in the past. Whether as a child or whether in a formative relationship, I can't risk you getting that close again. So that's a desperate desire for love and connection, but it presents as emotional unavailability.

• 35:02Lewis Howes?

  When someone is playing a game, either texting or on dates and they're playing a game. What is that saying about them if they're trying to play a game?

• 35:11Sadia Khan?

  They're entering a relationship with a desire to preserve their ego rather than truly connect with that person. It's more important that they appear desirable than then they create something that is desirable between the two of them. So if it's a case of somebody hasn't texted me in a couple of days, I'm not gonna text them in a couple of days, but I am gonna post a really pretty picture on online. Or if a man is like, oh, she didn't answer me back, or she didn't compliment me, no, I'm not gonna give her any compliments. What you're really signaling is I'm so desperate to be loved that I'll push it away and make you think that I don't want it, just so then if you don't, if you reject me first, I can feel like I saved my soul by not investing too much. So then it's self-preservation, but in the process it's self-destruction. Yeah, sadly, so and I've been there, we've all been there, I think we've all been there.

• 35:56Sadia Khan?

  We don't want to look like the idiot, we don't want to look needy. But I always just say to people that if in the process of communicating your needs, you lose somebody or they think something less of you, you're just filtering out the wrong people anyway. The right person will appreciate the communication, they'll reciprocate the communication and you'll build something. The wrong person will, you know, be scared or run away or whatever it is, but you don't want the wrong person anyway. So it's a good filtering process. Effective communication is great for filtering out the wrong people.

• 36:21Lewis Howes?

  It's so interesting because, uh, you know, when I was starting to date Martha, my fiancee, like just early, the first date, I was just like, I'm gonna share not all of me, but kind of all of me upfront.

• 36:33Sadia Khan?

  No games?

• 36:34Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, no games, just like this is who I am, this is my flaws, this is my mistakes, this is the things I'm working on, this is, you know, the things I'm good at, all these things. And I, and I kinda was completely unattached to the result.

• 36:47Sadia Khan?

  Yeah.

• 36:48Lewis Howes?

  Like if she likes me, cool. If she doesn't like me, at least she knows who I am.

• 36:51Sadia Khan?

  Yeah.

• 36:53Lewis Howes?

  And it was freeing. It, it felt freeing to be like, okay, this is me. I'm not playing any games. I was just like, if you like me, cool, if you don't like me, cool.

• 37:02Sadia Khan?

  Yeah.

• 37:02Lewis Howes?

  And, and that, that gave me freedom to be myself. And I think it allowed me to see, does she really like me for kind of all of me of what I'm able to show?

• 37:11Sadia Khan?

  You weren't trying to impress her, you were trying to access a healthy relationship.

• 37:13Lewis Howes?

  Absolutely, yeah.

• 37:14Sadia Khan?

  Yeah, and that's what the goal should be.

• 37:15Lewis Howes?

  And it was almost like if she didn't want to hang out with me again, I wasn't gonna be upset or hurt that she wasn't into me. I'd be like, okay, this just didn't work out.

• 37:22Matthew Hussey?

  I think that comes from you, you know, you having done a lot of work on yourself to get to the point where you had. You felt pretty accepting of yourself at that stage.

• 37:33Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, I couldn't do that in my twenties.

• 37:35Matthew Hussey?

  No, because I think the game playing originates from this feeling of I'm starting from behind. I'm starting from not being good enough. So how can I manufacture a dynamic that is going to raise my value?

• 37:50Lewis Howes?

  How can I show my best self?

• 37:52Matthew Hussey?

  Or how can I create a mirage of a self that doesn't exist?

• 37:55Lewis Howes?

  Interesting.

• 37:56Matthew Hussey?

  You know, what, what, what am I trying to do by not texting you back for three days? I'm trying to create this idea of myself as this extremely busy, high demand person as opposed to the person that I am. And, and by the way, if I was that really busy, high, high in demand person, I probably still wouldn't wait three days to text. Hey, I'm running from meeting to meeting, but I wanted to say hi and how's your day? Cause you were still, even if you were that person and it wasn't where your value was, you, you didn't put your value in being a busy and important person. Then you still wouldn't be weaponizing it, but the game playing is a way to kind of,

• 38:38Matthew Hussey?

  you know, manufacture or engineer a self that doesn't exist, a self that you think would be the most attractive you that you're not really. Whereas you came into your relationship with Martha going, I'm all right.

• 38:53Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 38:54Matthew Hussey?

  I'm all right. I, I, I'm, I'm, maybe I'm not perfect, but I'm all right. I, you know, and I come to think of it, I quite like me. I don't mind myself. And if I find someone who likes me for me, that is far preferable to, you know, finding someone who's into me because of this mirage I've created that I now have to sustain.

• 39:18Lewis Howes?

  Here's a question for both of you. You know, both of you give advice to men and women on relationships, but I'm curious, what is the biggest challenge that you had overcome in your twenties in your own relationships? One, one for each of you that maybe. Is a pattern looking back now, you could say, oh, this is something I did. In relationships or when I was single, maybe I played a little bit of the games, maybe I did this, maybe I was emotionally available. But what was the thing that you think held both of you back the most in your twenties from finding love?

• 39:48Sadia Khan?

  I always had a lot of male friends and it was a blessing and a curse because they were so open with me about everything. And men in their twenties, you know, they're young and they're enjoying life. So they would have lots of girls on the go and stuff like that and they would always tell me what they're doing. So they'll say, one of the tricks we do is we put her as my WhatsApp picture, but I might text other girls, but I, she feels calmer in that moment. Or I text her on a night out, but you know, I do what I want, but she feels calmer when I say that. So I'd know all the soothing techniques might have a malicious background to it. So I would go in assuming men's, their ways of soothing you and connecting with you has a malicious intent towards it.

• 40:25Lewis Howes?

  But they were still off dating other people or talking to other girls?

• 40:28Sadia Khan?

  It was just to pacify you. It's not true. So because maybe it speaks of the men I used to know and hang around with, that that would be their kind of play. They would kind of know this is how you work with them. So what would happen is I would always have this mentality is you can't fool me. I'm Savya. You can't fool me. I know everything. So the problem would be is I would go, I would meet people with the intention of showing them that I'm more intelligent than they think I am. So my process would be to prove how you can't trick me. So I'd look for clues, connect dots that aren't there, but it wouldn't be a genuine like, why don't I just try and enjoy this connection? And just see what's going on and just trust the intention. Instead it's like, no, no, no, I know this means, and trying to prove to them how smart I am about human connection whilst not actually creating human connection.

• 41:13Lewis Howes?

  So it's almost like you could have been with like the nicest, best guy who really loved you and wanted to like show you the best of him. But you were like, there's something behind the scenes that you're doing.

• 41:21Sadia Khan?

  Try and check what online behavior they've got, what last seen on WhatsApp and then connect some dots in my head. And then assume the worst and then think, oh, well, at least by assuming the worst, I can't get too attached and then I'm so smart. But secretly I'm craving the connection that I'm pushing away. Yeah.

• 41:38Lewis Howes?

  When did you? Realize that was a behavior or a pattern of yours. That you were able to say, okay, let me, let me separate myself or start to heal or process from this and start shifting it.

• 41:48Sadia Khan?

  I thought it would be a permanent condition. I thought that I've just been ingrained with it. But I do think having a secure partner, their level of transparency and their level of security in themselves. And that attitude that you demonstrate with Marsha was, look, if you're going to play games, you're most welcome to leave. I'm not going to beg anybody, but if you, if you want to have a good human connection, you are most welcome to take a seat on my table. Meeting men with that, meeting somebody with that kind of mentality. Made me realize I don't need to come into relationships with all this defense and armor in my, in my back pocket. I can actually put the weapons down and actually enjoy the connection and trust the connection. And also having a life I like living with or without the connection.

• 42:29Sadia Khan?

  When I felt like this was going to be my identity and being married to this person is going to be my identity. It would mean that I would almost become an investigator and this relationship would be everything and I need to figure out X, Y, Z. But when you have a life worth living outside of the relationship, it's like whatever's in darkness will come to light at some stage anyway. And when it does come to light, I will still be fine. I'm still who I am. I've still got a life worth living. So it's a combination of finding a secure partner and having a life worth living outside of the relationship.

• 42:56Lewis Howes?

  And, and if something happens where he's unfaithful or out of integrity, it will come out on its own. You don't have to be constantly investigating to try to say, I got you.

• 43:05Sadia Khan?

  If they do come out with that mentality and they do are cheating, whatever, they're not the person I fell in love with. So I'm not missing out on anything. I know it would be painful. God forbid if it did happen. I know it'd be painful. But part of me, the, it's the person I loved is no longer existing. So it's okay. What am I attaching to anymore? And we let go, but it's just going to redirect you. So before, where I would just think it's all encompassing and it would ruin my life, I, I'll still have a life worth living. And this person's not worthy of that life worth living if they show me to be that person.

• 43:34Lewis Howes?

  That's interesting. Okay. Before I follow up more on that, I want to ask Matt, what was the biggest struggle that you had?

• 43:41Sadia Khan?

  Did men do all of those tricks that I did? Or is that more of a girl thing?

• 43:45Matthew Hussey?

  Do all of the

• 43:46Sadia Khan?

  Do men ever do like checking online and when they're lost and what's up?

• 43:50Lewis Howes?

  I think it's more, I think, I mean, I'll speak from my personal experience. I think it used to be like anxious and be more jealous and be like, oh, what's she doing? Why is she out with this girl, this guy? You know, be more like anxious or jealous. But I wasn't like, you're doing something, I know it, like I found, I connected the dots.

• 44:09Sadia Khan?

  It's no investigation, it's just if it's there.

• 44:12Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, it's more insecure.

• 44:13Sadia Khan?

  Right.

• 44:13Matthew Hussey?

  I mean, I think there are probably a decent number of men who will investigate. I wouldn't write that behavior off, but I.

• 44:20Lewis Howes?

  For you, what was the, the thing that you struggled with in relationships or dating?

• 44:25Matthew Hussey?

  You know, I, I think I had a habit of staying in relationships that perhaps I didn't. I knew weren't right for me long term, but I stayed because I was insecure and I was afraid to be on my own. And, you know, really struggled to, my worth was far too tied to whether I had someone in my life. Um, so I, you know, obviously hurt people that way because you, you know, you stay in situations where you are inevitably going to end up hurting someone. But you don't feel brave enough to get out.

• 45:08Lewis Howes?

  To end it, yeah, yeah.

• 45:09Matthew Hussey?

  And then of course, when they do eventually end, you haven't fixed anything about yourself. And so instead of going, now's probably the time that I should work on this instinct I have to immediately go out and find someone new. I immediately went out and tried to find someone new because I didn't, I wasn't brave enough at that point in my life to really confront the kind of, the real work that I needed to do to be okay in my own company, to really like myself.

• 45:41Sadia Khan?

  So would you wait for her to break up with you or would you just end at some point?

• 45:45Matthew Hussey?

  No, I would, I would typically get to a point of ending it.

• 45:49Sadia Khan?

  Okay.

• 45:50Lewis Howes?

  Um. But like after far longer than you should have.

• 45:53Matthew Hussey?

  Yeah.

• 45:54Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, me too.

• 45:54Matthew Hussey?

  Yeah, and I, and I, and, and, you know, probably if I was being honest with myself. There would have been things that I maybe would have said in the first place. This just isn't a, not that, you know, wonderful people. I've had the, I've been lucky to, to have relationships with truly remarkable, lovely people. But, um, you know, I wasn't right for them and they weren't right for me.

• 46:18Sadia Khan?

  Uh huh.

• 46:18Matthew Hussey?

  Um, but I was not brave enough to, you know, to do anything about that. And, and I think as well, you know, even, even the part of me at that time that maybe judged, well, they're not right for me because of this and because of this and because of this. Even the things that I decided were not right for me were kind of also signs that I hadn't really accepted myself. Because I, I truly believe in my bones.

• 46:49Matthew Hussey?

  The more in life you accept yourself and every part of yourself, the more you start to see, you see more people as wonderful, not less.

• 46:57Sadia Khan?

  Hmm.

• 46:58Matthew Hussey?

  I don't subscribe to this idea that when you do work on yourself, your pull shrinks.

• 47:03Sadia Khan?

  Mm hmm.

• 47:04Matthew Hussey?

  Like a lot of people say that, like, I've just done so much self-growth that it's hard to find anyone anymore. Cause no one's done as much self-growth as me. And I.

• 47:11Sadia Khan?

  Or your circle gets so small and they kind of brag about their lack of connection now that they've healed.

• 47:16Matthew Hussey?

  Yeah, and I, I've, I always found that to be really strange because for me, any, like, any work I've done to give myself more compassion and make more space for the, what I've seen previously as the hideous, detestable, contemptible parts of myself, has always made me make more space for other people.

• 47:38Sadia Khan?

  Hmm.

• 47:38Matthew Hussey?

  Cause I go, oh God, if I can accept these things about me, I better accept them about you too. And I think there was a time in my life where I couldn't, I couldn't make space for those parts of me. So I just like denied them. But of course, when you then see them in other people, you go, yuck. That's not, what's that? I don't wanna, that's not for me. But what you're really saying is this part of me isn't for me. And I hadn't, I hadn't figured that out for myself yet. So, you know, even when I say, you know, that person wasn't right for me or whatever, it, it, even then, there's a kind of like. You know, I'm not saying I would have been ready or that they on a fundamental level would have been the right person for me.

• 48:21Matthew Hussey?

  But the reasons I might have been telling myself that they were wrong were often a judgment that came from me still judging myself in really nasty ways. Yeah. Uh, that I hadn't figured out yet. So it makes for a bad combination when you're judging people too harshly. And deciding reasons not to be with them based on those judgments. And at the same time, you're too afraid to be alone and do the work to accept yourself because that will have you just jumping from one relationship to another, to another, to another.

• 48:52Sadia Khan?

  And sorry to interrupt, but Matthew, you were coaching in your twenties as well, like at the same time while dating?

• 48:56Matthew Hussey?

  Making YouTube videos since nineteen.

• 48:58Sadia Khan?

  Oh, wow. Okay.

• 48:59Matthew Hussey?

  Nineteen. Seventeen years.

• 49:01Sadia Khan?

  Did that aid your dating experience or just kind of, did you manage to compartmentalize like?

• 49:06Matthew Hussey?

  No, I think it was probably net negative, really.

• 49:09Sadia Khan?

  Yeah.

• 49:10Matthew Hussey?

  I mean, it's not a, it's not a desirable place to be, is it? To be kind of, to be as a career, making videos every week, helping other people. But while you're already feeling shame for things you haven't figured out. But you're teaching others. And, and you don't feel you can be vulnerable about the things you're still working on. I don't think everyone who helps other people needs to have every single thing figured out. But if you haven't given yourself space to be honest about the things you haven't figured out, then you're in trouble because you're having to live this very private world of shame over here, trying to figure things out in private. Which makes it hard because when you figure things out in private all the time, you don't get support.

• 49:55Sadia Khan?

  Yeah.

• 49:56Matthew Hussey?

  And, you know, I, I think over time, my, you know, I, one of my favorite things about my relationship with people in general, whether it's my audience or the audience watching this or, is that very honest relationship of I can truly be myself. And it doesn't take away from the things that I know, but it adds color and complexity. And it certainly takes me off of any kind of pedestal, which these days I'm all too happy to be taken off of. Um, it's one of the best things about it, but there was a time where in my, the, the way I was in my public life mirrored the way I was in my private life, which was that if I were to share with people. Some of the issues that I struggle with.

• 50:40Matthew Hussey?

  My audience, the people that know me, won't love me anymore, or they won't wanna listen to me anymore. Or they won't be connected to me anymore. But that was the same as the, that was the same struggle that I didn't know I was having at the time, but was in my private life, which is if I speak this insecurity to the person that I'm with, if I truly get vulnerable about that and I stop playing the hero in the relationship or in the dating process, then this person will very quickly go off me. And they won't be able to hold space for Matthew, the complicated person, who is sometimes heroic and also is sometimes kind of pathetic. You know, like, they won't be able to make space for those two things. They'll just see me as pathetic from now on.

• 51:25Lewis Howes?

  And what's, and when someone isn't willing to share their vulnerabilities or insecurities in a relationship and they only show their best self,

• 51:34Lewis Howes?

  can you have a truly healthy relationship, do you think?

• 51:38Matthew Hussey?

  I don't think you can have a very connected one. And you can't have, you can't, you can't ever really feel like anyone knows you. That's the problem.

• 51:46Sadia Khan?

  Yeah, in my experience, it leads to a double life. It leads to a person having one persona that they present to their loved ones and a completely double life. And the double life is not even their true self. The second person isn't their true self. It's actually a release from the first person that they're pretending to be. Because when you're pretending to be somebody, it's very exhausting. So it's almost like wearing a mask the whole day. And a bit like when you're tired from work, you might do something extravagant just to relax. So what happens is because they're wearing a mask in their relationships, when they take the mask off, they still don't go down to their baseline true self. They actually go more to their vices because they need a release. So they go more down the double path where they might lead to affairs. It might lead to a completely different type of affairs with a completely different person that ignites a completely different feeling. They're almost just running away from their true self.

• 52:30Sadia Khan?

  So nobody gets to access their true selves, even themselves. So and then they don't know who they really are, but they look for different peoples to escape who they are and just find different identities and different people. So it really leads to a confused identity. It's very draining for people who can't be themselves with their partner. I'll see people who are super successful. Maybe they're a doctor or a surgeon, have a married life, kids, everything. But because maybe they can't be themselves with their partner, they find themselves either addicted to drugs or addicted to escorts and prostitutes and doing this, finding themselves in environments that are completely not where they want to be. But that double life has taken such a toll on them that they need an escapism.

• 53:09Lewis Howes?

  I hope today's episode inspired you on your journey towards greatness. Make sure to check out the show notes in the description for a rundown of today's show with all the important links. And if you want weekly exclusive bonus episodes with me as well as ad free listening experience, make sure to subscribe to our Greatness Plus channel on Apple Podcasts. If you enjoyed this, please share it with a friend over on social media or text a friend. Leave us a review over on Apple Podcasts and let me know what you learned over on our social media channels, at Lewis Howes. I really love hearing the feedback from you and it helps us continue to make the show better. And if you want more inspiration from our world-class guests and content to learn how to improve the quality of your life,

• 53:50Lewis Howes?

  then make sure to sign up for the Greatness newsletter and get it delivered right to your inbox over at greatness.com/newsletter. And if no one has told you today, I want to remind you that you are loved, you are worthy and you matter. And now it's time to go out there and do something great.