Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife

On today’s episode, we hear about: · A couple struggling with how to handle an uncomfortable situation with their nanny · A mom wondering how to explain her brother’s lifestyle to her child · A husband unsure how to improve himself without hurting his marriage Next Steps: 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test 📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards 💭 John's Free Guided Meditation 🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch Connect With Our Sponsors: 🌱 Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. 🔴 Get 15% off with code DELONY at BON CHARGE. 🌿 Get up to 40% off with code DELONY at Cozy Earth. 🔒 Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe. 😇 Go to Hallow for a 90-day free trial. 💤 Visit Helix Sleep for special offers! 🥤 Get 20% off with code DELONY at Organifi. 💪 Get 25% off your order at Thorne. 🏋️ Go to Trainwell to get started! Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights 🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💰 George Kamel 🪑 Front Row Seat with Ken Coleman 📈 The EntreLeadership Podcast Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:05Speaker 00

  How do I explain my brother's furry identity to my child in a way that balances both imaginative play with appropriate understanding? He's always been an outcast.

• 0:18Dr. John Delony?

  Well, duh. He's been a squirrel or whatever for his whole life.

• 0:22Speaker 00

  Right, right.

• 0:29Dr. John Delony?

  What's going on? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. I'm so grateful that you're with us, talking about your mental and emotional health and your relationships and this sideways world that we're all working to right side up. Inside our homes, inside our cars, inside our chests, right? We're all doing our part to make this place a little bit better. It's not going to come from the top down. Change is going to come from our neighborhoods, from our homes, from our classrooms, from our church buildings. It's going to come from the inside out. So I'm so grateful that you're with us, trying to figure out what's the next right move. Shows real people going through real challenges. If you want to join us, I'd love to have you. Give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291. Call and leave a message. We'll take your calls from all over the planet.

• 1:13Dr. John Delony?

  1-844-693-3291. Or write in, go to johndeloney.com/ask, A-S-K. You can fill out the form and get on it. We'd love, love, love to have you. All right, let's go out to Dallas, Texas and talk to Laura. What's up, Laura?

• 1:29Speaker 00

  Hey, John. My question is, how do I explain my brother's furry identity to my child in a way that balances both imaginative play with appropriate understanding?

• 1:44Dr. John Delony?

  And good morning to you, too.

• 1:47Speaker 00

  I know.

• 1:48Dr. John Delony?

  Wow. Oh, boy. I love my job. It's so good. Alright, so walk me, how old's, how old's your kids?

• 1:59Speaker 00

  He's three and then I have one due in March.

• 2:03Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, and so tell me about your brother.

• 2:06Speaker 00

  Yes, um, well, my brother brought his brand new custom mascot head. I don't even know what to call it, uh, to Christmas dinner and he came out as a furry to us. So since Christmas, he's made many social media posts and now going out in public in his costume and how he has always been one. And while my son didn't see him in his mascot outfit, I don't know how to navigate it when he does because my son loves all things sports mascots, Disney characters. And we know that as adults, they're just people in costumes, but I'm afraid my son being around

• 2:49Speaker 00

  my brother in his furry costume will like discourage that magic that's associated with them.

• 2:55Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, he's, he's, he's getting there. You're overthinking it. He's getting there.

• 2:59Speaker 00

  Am I?

• 3:00Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like if he's asked, like, why is Uncle so and so wearing that? You can just say he likes to, he likes to wear that costume.

• 3:09Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 3:09Dr. John Delony?

  And all of the intricacies of the furry community and the identity and all that just madness, he will have zero context for. And my guess is this isn't happening in a vacuum. Has your brother had struggles since you've known him?

• 3:27Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 3:27Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 3:28Speaker 00

  Yes, he's always been an outcast, um.

• 3:31Dr. John Delony?

  Well, duh, he's been a squirrel or whatever for his whole life.

• 3:35Speaker 00

  Right, right. I don't know. It's some sort of dog, cat thing.

• 3:39Dr. John Delony?

  It's fine. It is what it is.

• 3:41Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 3:41Dr. John Delony?

  But here's the thing.

• 3:42Speaker 00

  But he does have, sorry, go ahead.

• 3:44Dr. John Delony?

  You go ahead, you go ahead.

• 3:46Speaker 00

  Yeah, my, my brother, his, his mental illnesses went from depression to bipolar one to just this past year, it's borderline personality disorder.

• 3:56Dr. John Delony?

  Sure.

• 3:56Speaker 00

  So I don't even know how to navigate that or if that plays a role into it.

• 4:01Dr. John Delony?

  It, it honestly, um, I would not think into the diagnostic if I were you.

• 4:06Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 4:06Dr. John Delony?

  I would think into how can I love my brother who's been hurting most of his life?

• 4:11Speaker 00

  Mm-hmm.

• 4:11Dr. John Delony?

  Right? How can I be compassionate? And how can I draw the boundaries that are best for our family? And so, uh, if it were my house, I'm, again, I can only, the, the, everybody's different. Okay. If it were my house, I would say you're welcome to wear whatever you want to at my house. Um, you, I'm gonna ask you to not wear a humongous, like, dog hats, like, a helmet at the table.

• 4:42Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 4:42Dr. John Delony?

  And the same as I don't wear baseball hats at the table. And I identify as a sports fan. So I don't wear, I don't wear baseball hats at the table. And so, like, you can wear your costume. I mean, you can wear like your outfit or whatever. That's fine. I don't care what you're wearing. Uh, but here, um, we want to be able to talk to everybody. And so, it just is what it is, what it is. And if, there, there needs to be some boundaries. If, um, some of my favorite people on the planet, I've talked about them before, some of my favorite people on the planet have borderline personality disorder. It'd be really tough. And I have some pretty firm boundaries. You can't talk to me a certain way. If you're gonna swear at me and tell me you hate me, whatever, then I'm gonna hang up the phone. And then, when you're doing better, then give me a call.

• 5:22Speaker 00

  Mm-hmm.

• 5:23Dr. John Delony?

  Right? And when you tell me I'm the greatest that's ever lived and it's, I'm not, and I know that, right? So I'm not gonna get hung up on that. But also, um, they're pretty amazing people and they can be fun and hilarious. And so, I, I, I'm not gonna live by the diagnostic. I'm gonna live by boundaries. I'm gonna live by compassion. I'm gonna live by love.

• 5:42Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 5:42Dr. John Delony?

  Cause the other reality is, somebody who has watched enough on the internet and gotten in enough chat rooms and gone through, like, even met up with people, like, he's searching for a community and he's searching for an identity.

• 5:57Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 5:58Dr. John Delony?

  What that means is, he's hurting. And I will always welcome hurting people at my table.

• 6:04Speaker 00

  Mm-hmm.

• 6:05Dr. John Delony?

  And, three-year-olds are really, really, uh, malleable.

• 6:10Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 6:11Dr. John Delony?

  Both positively and negatively. And chances are, by the time that three-year-old is 13, your brother will be on to another thing.

• 6:20Speaker 00

  That's true.

• 6:21Dr. John Delony?

  So, and I don't wanna overthink it. I think for you...

• 6:25Dr. John Delony?

  I don't want this, I don't want your three-year-old to become the proxy war and a lifelong struggle with trying to connect with your brother, and here we go again.

• 6:35Speaker 00

  Right.

• 6:35Dr. John Delony?

  I want you to own your grief and your, good god, you know what I mean?

• 6:39Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 6:42Dr. John Delony?

  And are there other family members participating in this, or is it just, that's just brother?

• 6:49Speaker 00

  No, it's just him.

• 6:50Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. What's your mom and dad say?

• 6:53Speaker 00

  They think it's a social club. They don't know anything about the community or anything. I just know that there's a more nefarious side to it that makes me uncomfortable with it all.

• 7:09Dr. John Delony?

  Tell me about that.

• 7:12Speaker 00

  Well, there's a sexual aspect to it. And even if you just search, you know, what is a furry online, like my son doesn't have, and he won't have unmonitored access to the internet.

• 7:25Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 7:26Speaker 00

  But even if his friends do, and they just search what is a furry, that goes down this huge rabbit hole that is completely inappropriate.

• 7:33Dr. John Delony?

  Sure.

• 7:34Speaker 00

  So I think, but again, he's only three.

• 7:37Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. Yeah, I mean, if, if I showed up into my nieces and nephews' house, and they Googled, what is a midlife crisis wannabe punk rocker who's kind of a B-level YouTuber? There'd be a rabbit hole on that Google search too, right? And so, yeah, that's more your concern than the three-year-olds.

• 8:00Speaker 00

  Mm-hmm.

• 8:01Dr. John Delony?

  Three-year-olds will know they have a fun uncle who dresses up great. And three, turning four, turning five, the days of your kid thinking that there's a live wildcat that's human-sized at a basketball game are coming to an abrupt end, right?

• 8:22Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, and so I, yeah, it's all, I think it's all good and it's all, um, I, I would just, again, compassion plus boundaries.

• 8:30Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 8:31Dr. John Delony?

  And if he throws a fit and says, "You don't love me and you hate me and I won't come to your table if I can't wear my, my helmet," uh, I don't know what you call him, his, his, his true face or his true head, I don't know what you call it, um, then you can tell him, "Dude, we're gonna so miss you and I hate that you're opting out here. We love you. Um, it's important for all of us to be able to see our faces and to talk to each other. I don't get to see you very often. Um, and I hate it that you don't want to be here. But there's always gonna be a seat for you."

• 9:01Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 9:01Dr. John Delony?

  And then he gets to opt out, because he's an adult too.

• 9:06Speaker 00

  Yeah, that's fair.

• 9:07Dr. John Delony?

  You know what I mean? But I always want, I always want, I always want somebody to hold their side of my boundary. Like, here's where I draw a line and you get to opt in or out, and I sure hope you opt in. But I understand if you need to opt out. It'll make me sad. It'll break my heart. I mean, I have to grieve it. Um, but I, but I understand.

• 9:26Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 9:27Dr. John Delony?

  Does that make sense?

• 9:29Speaker 00

  It does.

• 9:29Dr. John Delony?

  He's lucky to have you as a sister. You've loved him for a long time, haven't you?

• 9:34Speaker 00

  I have.

• 9:35Dr. John Delony?

  And been frustrated for a long time, too?

• 9:38Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 9:38Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, both and, right?

• 9:40Speaker 00

  Both and.

• 9:41Dr. John Delony?

  Both and. Well, he's lucky to have you and, um, your three-year-old's lucky to have you too. I would suggest you, and this is gonna sound strange, I would suggest you get off the internet with the Google searches too. And I would love the person in front of me, not the internet caricature or the internet, um, the most sensational thing the algorithm kicks up in front of me. I would love my brother in front of me and I would hold on to my boundaries there too. Thanks for the call, Laura. You're awesome. We'll be right back.

• 10:17Dr. John Delony?

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• 11:00Dr. John Delony?

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• 11:47Dr. John Delony?

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• 12:30Dr. John Delony?

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• 13:11Dr. John Delony?

  almost 50% off their regular monthly rate. Plus you get 14 days of free training. Go to trainwell.net/daloni. That's trainwell.net/daloni. Let's roll out to San Bernardino, California and talk to Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark. What's up, Mark?

• 13:30Speaker 02

  Good morning.

• 13:32Dr. John Delony?

  How we doing, brother?

• 13:33Speaker 02

  Thanks for taking my call. I'm okay. Thank you. I appreciate you taking my call.

• 13:36Dr. John Delony?

  Absolutely, man. Oh, yeah. It's, it's, uh, super early where you are, man. Thanks for getting up so early with us.

• 13:42Speaker 02

  No worries.

• 13:43Dr. John Delony?

  What's up, man?

• 13:44Speaker 02

  So my question, my question is, do we tell our nanny that her husband propositioned my wife?

• 13:51Dr. John Delony?

  Oh, awesome. And good morning to you. Right?

• 13:54Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 13:55Dr. John Delony?

  Tell me about what happened, man.

• 13:57Speaker 02

  So some quick background. We've had a nanny for about 10 years now. She helped raise both our children.

• 14:02Dr. John Delony?

  Oh, so she's not a nanny. She's like a, she's a family member.

• 14:05Speaker 02

  She became family. Her husband and both had become family to us over 10 years. They have no kids of their own. So our kids basically, of course, became their kids too. So that's all our kids know is them first stating them and they've been a huge part of their lives and ours. And it's, it's been great for, for 10 years and they're a huge help for us. Um, to sprinkle in some other context, uh, she is currently battling stage four cancer and she hasn't for the past year. Yep, cuz why not?

• 14:32Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 14:32Speaker 02

  Um, she beat it about five years ago, once before, and then it came back and now it's stage four and she is a strong woman and she's fighting again. So we have all the hope in the world for her and she's got a lot of strength, so we're, we're rooting for her and she's doing great and she never, uh, never stopped working through that time. She was watching the kids, um, never had issues, uh, still showing up. Um, he would often help her and come as a support for her, her husband, to help with the kids when she was tired or sick, so it was still, uh, amazing watching those two also help together. So that's been, been, been great until, of course, just recently, as you could tell from the question. So, um, a few weeks back, um, there was a short gap in time, she couldn't watch our kids, so he volunteered to fill about a one hour, one hour gap that, that we had in our

• 15:17Speaker 02

  schedules, which he's done before and it works out great. So he was there when my wife got home to, to take over and he asked to speak to her in private, uh, which she did outside with him, thinking that, you know, one of the kids may be in trouble, but, uh, he proceeded to tell her how gorgeous she was, not just beautiful, but gorgeous, and that he sees how she looks at him, and just completely shocked a- and mortified my wife and she, you know, was basically stunned. And she said, you know. So evidently she wasn't looking at him like that. That's the first thing she said, "I'm not sure what you thought I was looking at you like, but, uh, that's not, not at all." Not like that. What I, what I want. Oh, man. Happily, happily married and, um, you need to think of your, your poor wife right

• 16:02Speaker 02

  now, what she's going through, I can't believe you even asked me that. Um, he then said, you know, you know, "I can be discreet, uh, I've been in the military, I've been discreet before," and just completely blew her mind a- as to what he was telling her, just in shock, right? Yeah, dude. So, uh, she called me and told me, "I left my work engagement and came right home and talked to her," she was just, you know, in shock and just very uncomfortable. She was. Oh, yeah. Very upset. So I asked him to talk to me and he did. Uh, the next day we, we spoke and I made it very clear and drew a boundary that I actually said, hey, here's what happened. He did not deny it. He said, yeah, I'm sorry. I don't know why I did that. I shouldn't have acted and I feel dumb now.

• 16:45Speaker 02

  I said, well, you feel dumb because you got shot down. But just so you know, you are not welcome at my house anymore. Uh, my wife doesn't want to see you anymore. She's extremely uncomfortable. She's devastated and you've, you've broken 10 years of, you know, trust and, and love from our family and we, we, we just can't believe this is even happening.

• 17:04Dr. John Delony?

  Dude, can I just like, hold, pause for a second? High five to you, dude.

• 17:07Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 17:08Dr. John Delony?

  Like, like, good on you. And, cause you didn't act like an idiot. You didn't like bang on his door at 3am and, but you did, like, good on you. Like if for everybody listening, that's how you handled that situation. So good on you, man.

• 17:23Speaker 02

  My friends wanted to, a couple of them wanted to.

• 17:26Dr. John Delony?

  Of course they did. And you know what? That's what your buddies are for. That's what your buddies are for, to be like, let's go right now. That's what they're for. Um, but like, that's a mature, grown up way to handle this. So I'm like, that you, you just gave a perfect model of somebody that you love and trust propositions, your wife, God forbid that happened to anybody listening, but it does happen. That's how you handle it. She handled it perfectly. She called you. She said, like, here's my boundaries. You, like, good for you, man. Like, that's, that's awesome. Okay.

• 17:56Speaker 02

  Yeah. So, and, and he was receptive to it. He understood. I said, you know, it's up to you to tell her, you know, your, your wife how, you know, why you can't come over or, or why you shouldn't come over. Um, initially that's, that was what I told him and, uh, now he controls that narrative. But, you know, talking to my wife more, we're like, I, I really feel horrible knowing that she has no idea. She's kind of the stooge here, what's going on. And, you know, they're, they're, they're, he is such a religious church going, leads, leads ministry and charity, this guy that, I mean, he was a picture perfect just model for a Christian man too, which adds to the, the complete just blowing our minds that this happens. Just unbelievable.

• 18:39Speaker 02

  So now it's like, well, should we be honest with our nanny and tell her what happened?

• 18:45Dr. John Delony?

  Yes, you have to.

• 18:46Speaker 02

  Knowing that she's currently undergoing.

• 18:48Dr. John Delony?

  You have to.

• 18:49Speaker 02

  So much stress and stage four medical treatments and, and completely shattering her world.

• 18:53Dr. John Delony?

  Here's the deal, her world, that doesn't happen in a vacuum.

• 18:59Dr. John Delony?

  So that won't be the first time that's happened. She knows there's distance. Like you get what I'm saying? Like y'all see it from one lens. She experiences this on a day in and day out. She knows.

• 19:14Dr. John Delony?

  That there's something amiss in her marriage.

• 19:18Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 19:18Dr. John Delony?

  And if she doesn't, if she's completely clueless.

• 19:27Dr. John Delony?

  I guess, I guess y'all have built 10 years of deep, deep trust. Trust so deep, you, you let her stand in your stead with your children. The most prized possession you have on planet Earth.

• 19:41Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 19:42Dr. John Delony?

  And if she were to come home and see your wife with another man.

• 19:47Dr. John Delony?

  Your expectation would be that she would honor your relationship enough. To tell you the truth. Fair?

• 19:55Speaker 02

  Oh, fair, yeah.

• 19:56Dr. John Delony?

  And vice versa. Your wife would expect her, if, if she came home to drop the kids off and you, and a woman, a young woman was walking out of your house. The right thing to do would be to tell your wife. And so, yeah, I, I think the external circumstances are heavy and big and all that, but I,

• 20:15Dr. John Delony?

  I think it has to come with a boundary. And here's what I mean by that. We're not just telling you to hand you a grenade. We're telling you because we love you. And because it's not right for us to keep this from you.

• 20:28Dr. John Delony?

  And you are always welcome in our home. He is not.

• 20:34Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 20:35Dr. John Delony?

  And I, I, dude, I, I would be stunned if this is the first time this has come up in their marriage.

• 20:44Dr. John Delony?

  Maybe.

• 20:45Speaker 02

  Yeah, she's very, very, I mean, undying optimist, the most positive person you, you could ever meet.

• 20:51Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, but there's, that can be a, that can be a trauma response too.

• 20:56Speaker 02

  Yeah, so I'm not sure if that should, because she really just sees the best in everything and she's oblivious to some of that.

• 21:01Dr. John Delony?

  Or she has to.

• 21:03Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 21:03Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, because of what she lives with at home. And unfortunately, I have worked in faith-based circles long enough that it doesn't surprise me one bit. Not even a teeny tiny little bit. Those are people too.

• 21:18Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 21:19Dr. John Delony?

  So.

• 21:19Speaker 02

  I, how do we even go about that conversation? Is that just my wife to her and then?

• 21:26Dr. John Delony?

  No, it's both of you.

• 21:27Speaker 02

  It's a complete shock to her. How do, how do we handle that?

• 21:29Dr. John Delony?

  It's both of you together. Well, here's the deal. She's an adult.

• 21:31Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 21:31Dr. John Delony?

  She's an adult.

• 21:32Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 21:32Dr. John Delony?

  She's not, she's not a teenager. She's not a child. She's an adult.

• 21:37Dr. John Delony?

  And she's a member of your family at this point. And so you sit her down and fax her your friends. You tell her very directly. This is going to be the hardest conversation we've ever had to have with you.

• 21:49Dr. John Delony?

  And number one, we are not letting you go. You are a part of our family. You are always welcome in our home. Number two, here's what happened.

• 21:59Dr. John Delony?

  Cause anytime you sit down somebody, even if they're a, a, this like quote unquote, family member or close, there's, she's still an employee. And the first thing she's going to think is y'all letting her go.

• 22:11Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 22:11Dr. John Delony?

  But you give, you, you give her a heads up.

• 22:15Speaker 02

  And maybe also, you know, recommended her to others and friends of ours that they also sit for too.

• 22:20Dr. John Delony?

  Great.

• 22:20Speaker 02

  And I'm just like, boy, I feel like, I feel like there's some liability with at least knowing that this behavior is there. I, I don't know if I'd so much extend to others or just completely keep within a family as our own issue. Cause it could just be an obsession with, you know, my wife and that could be where it ends.

• 22:38Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. I don't know. Say this stuff doesn't, it rarely happens in a vacuum. Maybe there's just star crossed lovers and, or maybe he's a star crossed lover.

• 22:46Speaker 02

  Right. Good to say.

• 22:49Dr. John Delony?

  And my heart kind of goes out to him, dude, cause he sounds like me in high school. Like I would talk to a, like a, like a, you know, girl in my class, be like, I, I could tell we have, and she's like, yeah, you're telling way wrong. All right. So, um, I just, geez, this is just a whole different level.

• 23:04Dr. John Delony?

  I think the biggest thing you and your wife need to do is y'all have to deal with the grief violation.

• 23:10Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 23:11Dr. John Delony?

  Like, and it's easy to, when we're grieving, to put a bunch of weight on all these other things that we know we have to do.

• 23:23Dr. John Delony?

  And so I want y'all to separate it.

• 23:26Dr. John Delony?

  And it, it, it's the old saying, not by your hand, but in your lap.

• 23:31Dr. John Delony?

  Right?

• 23:33Dr. John Delony?

  This guy walked in and blew up 10 years of stability in your life.

• 23:38Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 23:39Dr. John Delony?

  And it may be that at the end of the day, your wife says, I'm not comfortable with her being our nanny anymore.

• 23:47Dr. John Delony?

  And I'm like, just hearing this cold, that would probably be my bent. Unfortunately, we can't have you here anymore.

• 23:58Speaker 02

  She's made it pretty clear that she definitely doesn't want her to feel like she can't come over.

• 24:04Dr. John Delony?

  I get that, I get that, but, but I mean, just think big picture. And at some point, you may be asking this woman to choose between her marriage and her job. And again, she's an adult, she has to do what she's gonna do, but that's why I say, like, you can't just come with, hey, we just want to tell you this, it needs to come with a boundary. He cannot come over here anymore, he cannot watch our kids anymore, he can't be in this house anymore, I don't want to, he can't text us, he can't call us. The only reason you're allowed back in here is because we trust you implicitly.

• 24:30Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 24:31Dr. John Delony?

  And we're gonna strongly recommend he does not show up at any of the people's houses we've recommended, because now we feel an obligation.

• 24:38Speaker 02

  Okay, and luckily, her time is now reduced a bit, because our kids are older and in middle of school, so it's not full-time, so it wouldn't be a giant impact, which makes me feel a bit better, too, if she chooses not to, not to keep coming, but...

• 24:50Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, and y'all need to make, make plans for that, because she may be super embarrassed, and she may choose to say, I'm not gonna, I'm gonna let y'all go.

• 24:59Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 25:00Dr. John Delony?

  Right, and so, again, somebody walked in your living room, this man, and dropped a grenade in there, and y'all are handling it the best you can, but it's just, I, I think it's gonna, it's gonna come with ramifications, and I think you guys trying to preserve what y'all had, is, you're gonna have to reimagine what, what is, right? And what that means is, you're gonna have to reimagine, oh, she's all by herself, if she's gonna stay, or nanny, she's, he's not welcome here, so if there needs to be an hour gap in coverage, we'll have to figure that out, is that something we can still do? Or we need, if we have a nanny that works for us, we need all the gaps covered, because that's kind of the role. Or what happens if she quits? She's just embarrassed and ashamed, and this has happened before, and she quits.

• 25:47Speaker 02

  Yeah, I'm just hoping it's not a complete blind side. And if it is, I'm just like, with what she's already going through, I feel so bad because she doesn't have a lot of options or money.

• 25:56Dr. John Delony?

  Well, and let me tell you this, I want you all to be really prepared. Ah, man, if I had more time, I'll tell you a 30 second clip. Um, well, no, I won't get into it.

• 26:07Dr. John Delony?

  And this is several years ago, so I haven't checked the data, but a ton of

• 26:13Dr. John Delony?

  police officer shootings, when, when police officers get hurt, is when they show up to domestic disputes and they get involved. And the spouse that made the call sees their significant other, who was just in the process of abusing them, getting arrested. And the person who made the call ends up hurting the officers.

• 26:37Speaker 02

  Oh.

• 26:38Dr. John Delony?

  What, why is that relevant here? I would give it a 50 50 chance that her husband, when she comes home, says that woman like, asked me to come into the bathroom real quick and she ended up taking all her clothes off and I had to get out of that house as fast as possible.

• 27:00Dr. John Delony?

  And flips the whole thing and that woman comes at y'all with a vengeance.

• 27:06Dr. John Delony?

  I want you all just to-

• 27:07Speaker 02

  Well, that's like now, I told him, I'm not gonna tell her, you can, but then I was like, well crap, now he controls the whole narrative, which also kind of worried me.

• 27:13Dr. John Delony?

  Well, e- e- even if you do tell her, he controls whatever he wants to say.

• 27:19Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 27:19Dr. John Delony?

  And the chances of a stage four cancer survivor who's in the midst of it, going through it, psychologically, I can't deal with, I can't wrap my head around this part of my life also falling out from underneath me. Already I can't trust my physical body. Now I can't trust this guy I've been married to for 20, 30 years?

• 27:41Dr. John Delony?

  And so psychologically, I have, y'all have to become the bad guys. Otherwise, my, my world turns to dust.

• 27:48Speaker 02

  The, the one blessing that we have in this whole situation was that as it happened, the front door is open and he asked to speak outside. We caught the first part on the Ring camera. We have the recording. It just have him saying, hey, come talk to me. Right as the door closes, hey, I wanted to, and then it cuts out. So she knew that it's by motion. So she kept trying to move on the front porch to make it record. Unfortunately, it didn't because she was like, oh, my God, she wanted that recorded. But at least the first part with him after come talk in private that he is recorded and captured.

• 28:18Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, so I would probably lead with that.

• 28:21Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 28:22Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 28:24Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 28:24Dr. John Delony?

  But anyway, I, what's, what's right is to somebody that you trust, who trusts you, you've supported, you've walked alongside, someone who is a family member needs to be told the truth.

• 28:37Dr. John Delony?

  Particularly given that it was your wife that was propositioned in this deal. And then y'all need to make sure you have that conversation directly, clearly with a boundary. And I would let her know, hey, we need to have a really challenging conversation.

• 28:53Dr. John Delony?

  And if you feel obligated, you can tell husband, hey, you guys, you got 24 hours. I'm, we're gonna have a conversation with her. I don't think he's deserves that. I don't think it's worth that. Um, that's, that's y'all's level of relationship. If y'all, if you feel close to him over 10 years, you might want to give him heads up. Hey, I'm, we're talking to your wife today. Or after you have the conversation, but I, I wouldn't personally, but you can feel free to do that.

• 29:17Dr. John Delony?

  Again, not by your hand, but in your lap. Your life as you knew it is now different because this guy blew it up. And now it's about what's right for you and your family moving forward. How can you love and support this woman? If that's even a possibility, if she allows that.

• 29:34Dr. John Delony?

  And then you and your wife got aggrieved. What was? It was a pretty awesome setup. And unfortunately, somebody came and blew it up. All you can do is the next right thing for you and your family. And I don't ever want somebody to cash in their character, their integrity. They start holding secrets from loved ones, people that they trust, because it gets weird or awkward. We're gonna hang on to our integrity. We're gonna go do the next right thing, even if it feels like it blew everything up, but it didn't. It may just reveal what somebody else just blew up. Sorry this happened, my brother. Thanks for being a man of character. Let me know how that conversation goes, man. I'm invested in this one now. We'll be right back.

• 30:11Dr. John Delony?

  All right, good folks, let's talk about Helix mattresses. It's February. It's the coldest and the shortest month, although it can seem like the longest month of the year sometimes. Listen, in the past, I've found myself laying around during the winter doldrums more than normal. And I don't do very much, which then makes it hard to sleep. And then I get in this vicious cycle, but I'm gonna tell you this. This year, my Helix mattress has helped me sleep more deeply and be more refreshed during the winter doldrums than ever before. Now, on most days, I'm able to get right up even when it's cold and dark and do all the stuff I need to do to be my best. I love Helix, and that's why me and my entire family sleeps on Helix mattresses. And we don't all have the same mattress.

• 30:54Dr. John Delony?

  Helix has different kinds of mattresses for everybody, no matter how you sleep. If you run hot at night, if you have issues with your spine, if you sleep on your back, your side, your stomach, whatever. Plus, Helix offers a 100-night trial, and every Helix mattress comes with a 10- or 15-year warranty. So take the Helix Sleep Quiz, just like I did, and you'll find the perfect mattress for you in less than two minutes. The Helix President's Day Sale is going on right now. You can get 27% off sitewide, plus two Dream Pillows, and a sheet set, and a mattress protector free with any Lux or Elite mattress purchase. This is the best deal you're gonna find anywhere. Go to helixsleep.com/diloney right now. That's Helix, H-E-L-I-X.

• 31:39Dr. John Delony?

  helixsleep.com/diloney. With Helix, better sleep starts right now.

• 31:46Dr. John Delony?

  All right, let's go out to the 806 Lubbock, Texas and talk to Dylan. What's up, Dylan?

• 31:54Speaker 03

  So my question for you is, how do I work on myself without jeopardizing my wife and my kids?

• 32:03Dr. John Delony?

  Sounds like there's a lot to that question. Tell me, what does work on yourself mean?

• 32:08Speaker 03

  So I am currently going to therapy and trying to work on some issues and I've recently quit, quit drinking and trying to work on being more present and being a better husband and father. But I just worry that going through this and all the anxiety with that, I still find myself not being the nicest version of myself and I don't know how to, how to work on that without causing more problems.

• 32:40Dr. John Delony?

  Gotcha. All right. Tell me, um, can I probe a little bit? Is that okay?

• 32:44Speaker 03

  Oh, go for it.

• 32:44Dr. John Delony?

  How old are your kids?

• 32:46Speaker 03

  Uh, seven and fifteen.

• 32:49Dr. John Delony?

  Say that one more time. Eight, seven and fifteen?

• 32:51Speaker 03

  No, just seven and fifteen.

• 32:52Dr. John Delony?

  Seven and fifteen. Okay, seven and fifteen. Uh, that's a big gap, huh?

• 32:56Speaker 03

  Yeah, well, my oldest is not biologically mine, but.

• 32:59Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, okay. Um, number two, how long you been drinking?

• 33:06Speaker 03

  Uh, about 20 years.

• 33:07Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, all right. How old are you now?

• 33:09Speaker 03

  Uh, thirty-eight.

• 33:10Dr. John Delony?

  Thirty-eight. Okay. So you started drinking young, huh?

• 33:13Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 33:13Dr. John Delony?

  What did, what did drinking get for you?

• 33:17Dr. John Delony?

  Uh. What did it help with? What did it help with? It helped with something that early?

• 33:22Speaker 03

  Uh, turned down the volume on everything, just kind of making everything a little more manageable.

• 33:27Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. Um, who turned the volume up on you?

• 33:33Speaker 03

  Um, my childhood. I had kind of a silent, uh, hell.

• 33:38Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, all right. And what's the last, uh, 20 years been like, college-wise, work-wise? What you been doing?

• 33:48Speaker 03

  Went to work in the oilfield, uh, pretty much right out of, of high school. I did a little bit of college, but didn't, uh, didn't really get anywhere with that. And, uh, had a study, uh, had a steady job at the same place for most of my life, actually. About sixteen years of those twenty, I've been at the same place.

• 34:05Dr. John Delony?

  Been riding the roller coaster?

• 34:08Speaker 03

  Yes, that's a good way to put it.

• 34:09Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, yeah, that, um, if you, if I, I, I spent a lot of years with some of my close buddies who are oilfield guys and it's just, uh, when it's good, man, it is, it's like an ATM machine. And when it's bad, it is caustic. It's tough, tough, tough, tough.

• 34:22Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah.

• 34:23Dr. John Delony?

  And nobody teaches, uh, nineteen year olds who suddenly find themselves with a hundred eighty grand, hey, two years from now, you're gonna have eleven grand. So hang on to it, right? Nobody teaches anybody how to do that. So it's just.

• 34:34Speaker 03

  Oh, no.

• 34:34Dr. John Delony?

  It's just roller coaster central. Um, tell me about your wife, man?

• 34:39Speaker 03

  Uh, we've been married ten years. Uh, she truly is the love of my life. We, uh, we are in it for the long haul. She is my ride or die.

• 34:47Dr. John Delony?

  That's awesome.

• 34:47Speaker 03

  And vice versa.

• 34:48Dr. John Delony?

  Very cool. Why'd you, why'd you decide to quit drinking?

• 34:51Speaker 03

  Um, I just, I didn't want to model that life for my boys. I didn't want them to, to grow up drinking and thinking that that's the way to, to solve your problems.

• 35:02Dr. John Delony?

  All right. So one of them is seven. So what, why now?

• 35:08Dr. John Delony?

  Like, so, I mean, you've been modeling it for seven years. So why now?

• 35:11Speaker 03

  Um, it got to the point where in the past, I've kind of like self detonated everything.

• 35:19Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 35:19Speaker 03

  And I've got too much now to, to just blow everything up and walk away.

• 35:24Dr. John Delony?

  Paint me a picture of self detonating.

• 35:27Speaker 03

  Um, in the past, I've quit my job, um, just folded into myself and just kind of disappeared.

• 35:34Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. Do you disappear in a bottle?

• 35:37Speaker 03

  Um, not all the time. I just would oscillate and just kind of really just go inward.

• 35:45Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. So what's a, what's a counselor doing for you?

• 35:50Speaker 03

  Uh, not a whole lot at the moment. Just a whole lot of sitting and talking and not really a whole lot practical.

• 35:58Dr. John Delony?

  What do you hope to get from seeing a counselor?

• 36:01Speaker 03

  To be able to go through life without just feeling like I'm holding on to an electric fence all the time.

• 36:06Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 36:09Dr. John Delony?

  That sounds like you want peace inside your own chest. Connection and, yes, that's it, exactly. Okay. Peace within myself. Why don't you like you?

• 36:20Dr. John Delony?

  Oh. I don't know that I've ever really liked myself. I know, I can tell, why not? Cause your wife sure as hell does, your seven year old does, that fifteen year old boy you came into his life, he does. Why don't you?

• 36:34Dr. John Delony?

  Um. What happened to me as a kid? What happened? I was sexually abused for about seven years.

• 36:53Dr. John Delony?

  You ever said that out loud?

• 36:56Dr. John Delony?

  To a couple of people, but not very, not very often. Okay, I want you to sit on that for a second.

• 37:02Dr. John Delony?

  How old was that little boy when it started? Six. All the way up to when you were an early teenager? Yep, when I was thirteen is when it stopped.

• 37:14Dr. John Delony?

  Why did it stop?

• 37:17Dr. John Delony?

  Um. He went off to the military and he finally left me alone. Okay.

• 37:28Dr. John Delony?

  You have a seven year old little boy right now.

• 37:34Dr. John Delony?

  Just keep that picture in your head.

• 37:42Dr. John Delony?

  When you were six or seven years old, it wasn't up to you to protect that kid.

• 37:49Dr. John Delony?

  But when you see that little seven year old, it sets off every alarm, you have done it. Yeah. Yeah. I'm sorry that happened, man, that shouldn't happen.

• 37:58Dr. John Delony?

  Thank you. And that's a recipe, for as long as that went on and for as old as you were, that's a recipe for deep, deep shame and deep, deep rage. Oh, yeah, both of those.

• 38:11Dr. John Delony?

  And so- And I can't get rid of the rage. I know.

• 38:15Dr. John Delony?

  It's gonna go.

• 38:18Dr. John Delony?

  But I need you to know, this is gonna sound nuts, and I bet nobody will tell you this.

• 38:28Dr. John Delony?

  But for hanging on for twenty years, even if you had to do it with a bottle of Jack next to you, I'm proud of you for hanging on for twenty years.

• 38:40Dr. John Delony?

  That's, that's, that's, I think sometimes we see people's, how they, what they had to do to survive. And it's like, um, critiquing somebody's swim stroke when the boat sinks and they're out in the middle of the ocean.

• 38:58Dr. John Delony?

  Cool. What I'm looking at is a guy that got himself back to shore. And there's probably a wake of decisions you wish you could have back and you probably hurt some people and said some stupid stuff, but you made it back to shore.

• 39:13Dr. John Delony?

  And for some reason, you woke up on the first of, of January 2025 and you decided, I'm done. I'm gonna be a different kind of man.

• 39:21Dr. John Delony?

  Yes. But I don't know what to do. You are doing it right now.

• 39:29Dr. John Delony?

  Well, it sure doesn't feel like it. I know.

• 39:33Dr. John Delony?

  Because they, somebody told you along the way, it's gonna feel a certain way and it's gonna take a long time.

• 39:39Dr. John Delony?

  So, the first night, I, um, actually was in your neck of the woods. I drove several hours into Lubbock, Texas, where I knew a physician who was a close, close friend of mine. And when I walked, that's when I walked in and said, I'm not okay. I drove from another city in Texas. I drove all the way to Lubbock because I knew a guy and I, I trusted him. And then my trust was so thin. And I remember, um, we talked for hours and hours and I left with a script, with a prescription for, for some anxiety medicine. And I remember calling a buddy who I knew had taken medicine before. And I told him, I don't want to take it. I'm a failure. I'm a loser, yada, yada, yada. And here's what he told me. He said, "Look,

• 40:23Dr. John Delony?

  man, you think you're gonna wake up tomorrow after taking this pill and everything's gonna be like this fake sunshine. That's not how it works." And what he went on to tell me is, he tore his bicep lifting weights. And he had to go to months of rehab. And every time he picked up a fork, every time he tried to open a door handle, it just hurt like a searing pain. So he went to rehab, he went to rehab, he went to rehab, he did all the stuff, all these stupid exercises. And this is kind of a jacked dude, forced to like doing like little finger walks up the wall with his, you know, like with his two little fingers, right? And then he said, one day he was at the print shop and a box fell. And he reached up and grabbed it. Just instinctually to protect somebody. And he realized, hey, my arm doesn't hurt.

• 41:08Dr. John Delony?

  No way. And he said, that's how the meds are gonna work. And that's how healing ultimately is. And so, right now, you have gone to sit down. Have you gone to meetings? Is that what you're starting to do? Yes. Okay. So you walk and you're sitting in there and you're on the rattling edge of not having a drink. You're dealing with the credit card bills from the holidays. You're dealing with an economy that's up and down and kind of all over the place. You're dealing with West Texas. I'll tell you what they should be doing, that kind of stuff, right? You've been dealing with that. And you and I both know that one drink would make everything a little bit quieter. Yeah. But you've committed not to. And now you're going to these meetings.

• 41:53Dr. John Delony?

  You're just listening to these old guys just tell their stories and tell their stories and tell their stories. And it doesn't feel like you're doing anything. But if you keep going and you're not a lurker and you start participating and you go into your counselor and you say, okay, I've been here for four weeks or five weeks. I want to start practicing some actual things at my house on a daily basis that will dissipate this rage. And I'll give you a couple of things I want you to do, okay? But what's gonna happen is, six months from now, your seven-year-old's gonna do some stupid seven-year-old thing and you're gonna laugh. And you're gonna remember this story I told you about my buddy who caught the box.

• 42:37Dr. John Delony?

  And you're gonna go, oh, my gosh. I would have gone into a rage. And you'll know I'm on the path now. Or your wife's gonna come home and say, hey, my hours just got cut and you really needed the, y'all need the money. And you're going to go into problem solver mode. You're not gonna get up and go straight to the fridge and grab a beer. And then you can smile and go, no way. I'm on the path. Do you get what I'm saying? Yeah. The hardest part for you is not the big decision. You made that. The hardest part for you is the continual grinding, the tiny, tiny step by step by step, inch by inch,

• 43:20Dr. John Delony?

  that you're gonna look up in six months and realize, I just walked a thousand miles.

• 43:28Dr. John Delony?

  You're the guy that's 150 pounds overweight that said, "Never again." And you're in day 12 of going to the gym. And it just sucks. You're sore, everything hurts, you hate it. And you just want to go back to the way it was. But you made a commitment.

• 43:42Dr. John Delony?

  So, will you do something with me?

• 43:47Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, anything. Um, where did you grow up? West Texas. Okay. So, let's pretend, I'm gonna make up a little West Texas town. La Mesa, tiny little West Texas town. Let's pretend you and I are in La Mesa. Know it well. And I'm you, except I'm seven.

• 44:10Dr. John Delony?

  And I want you to close your eyes and imagine you're looking at your seven-year-old self. He's sitting in a chair, and you're sitting in a chair, and you're about four feet apart from each other.

• 44:24Dr. John Delony?

  What would you tell that seven-year-old you?

• 44:32Dr. John Delony?

  You'll make it.

• 44:36Dr. John Delony?

  You'll survive this.

• 44:41Dr. John Delony?

  What else?

• 44:52Dr. John Delony?

  I can't, I can't picture me at seven. Okay. Picture your seven-year-old.

• 45:02Dr. John Delony?

  Repeat after me.

• 45:06Dr. John Delony?

  What's happening to you is not your fault.

• 45:09Dr. John Delony?

  What's happening to you is not your fault.

• 45:12Dr. John Delony?

  There should be adults here protecting you. They're not here, and I'm sorry.

• 45:17Dr. John Delony?

  An adult here protecting you, and there's not, and I'm sorry.

• 45:27Dr. John Delony?

  But we're gonna hang on, and we're gonna hang on.

• 45:32Dr. John Delony?

  We're gonna hang on.

• 45:37Dr. John Delony?

  And when we get grown up, we're gonna dedicate our lives to protecting the young kids in our world.

• 45:44Dr. John Delony?

  And when we get grown, we're gonna dedicate our lives to protecting those kids.

• 45:52Dr. John Delony?

  And that starts with me, looking at you, seven-year-old self, telling you I love you.

• 46:00Dr. John Delony?

  This is not your fault.

• 46:08Dr. John Delony?

  It's not your fault.

• 46:12Dr. John Delony?

  Because right now, you have a seven-year-old, you have an enraged 12- and 13-year-old.

• 46:21Dr. John Delony?

  Who don't know anything to do to protect you, other than to clinch their fist and swing at everything, or duck and cover.

• 46:30Dr. John Delony?

  And my guess is you've toggled between both of those in your life.

• 46:36Dr. John Delony?

  Oh, yeah. This crazy, busy, and the absolute nothing. Yeah, the black hole.

• 46:49Dr. John Delony?

  At 2025, sobriety is a piece of it. Dealing with the rage is a piece of it. Letting that eight, nine, 10-year-old version of you finally go play.

• 47:01Dr. John Delony?

  La Mise is not a great place to play in, but we're gonna let that kid go play.

• 47:07Dr. John Delony?

  I'd love to. Here's what we're doing this year. We're solving for peace.

• 47:12Dr. John Delony?

  Okay?

• 47:15Dr. John Delony?

  And so here's what I want you to, here's what I want you to commit to, and I'll, I'll be in it with you. Okay. Um, I want you to commit to keep going to meetings. Do I got your commitment on that?

• 47:28Speaker 03

  Oh, yes.

• 47:29Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. I want you to, next time you go see a counselor, I want you to demand an action plan.

• 47:36Speaker 03

  I, I've asked for that because I've been listening.

• 47:38Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 47:39Speaker 03

  And it was blown off. I didn't, I said, I want to know where we're at, where we're going, and something, I want to be doing something. And it just fell by the wayside.

• 47:50Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 47:50Speaker 03

  And I'm just like, I want to be screaming, I need help.

• 47:54Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. Then what we're going to do is we're just, we're going to brush our shoulders off. We're going to go find a new counselor.

• 48:02Dr. John Delony?

  Because the big modern myth in mental health care is not always, but often, that if you just get all the thoughts in the right order, everything works out. And it's not true. You got to go act differently, especially when you've spent 20 years trying to survive. You have to learn new actions, new ways of doing things.

• 48:22Dr. John Delony?

  For you, you're going to have to practice some mindfulness techniques, not an old man sitting on a cloud going, oh, that's not what I mean. But you're going to have to learn how to exhale.

• 48:33Dr. John Delony?

  You're going to learn how to go for a walk.

• 48:36Dr. John Delony?

  You got to learn to laugh and drop your shoulders on purpose. And those are just things you got to practice. That's it.

• 48:45Dr. John Delony?

  You're going to have to learn really carefully, precisely what your triggers are. What are the things that when it happens, you want to reach for a drink? And then you just have to come up with different plans. These are things you practice over time. These are actions.

• 49:00Dr. John Delony?

  And just bringing a guy out of the oil field just to talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, is, is, it's important. The first couple of sessions, I got to get to know you. But man, we got to, we got to get on some homework assignments that are going to help. Okay. And so we're going to find a new counselor. And that's great. It's not a big deal.

• 49:19Speaker 03

  One of my questions is, how do I handle sobriety on a trip? That we're, I'm trying to reconnect and trying to be a better husband. And so I'm, I'm, we, I booked a trip for us to go out of town for Valentine's.

• 49:38Dr. John Delony?

  You and your wife?

• 49:39Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 49:40Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 49:41Speaker 03

  And I don't know how to fit sobriety into that because so much of our, of my life was getting to that point. I wasn't a dead day drinker. I would wait till the evenings, but it was still a problem. I was, I mean, I'm not any better than anybody else, but I, on vacation, used to tend to let go a little more, to have fun, and I don't know how to balance that. And I don't know if there are good meetings in Nashville, because that's where we're headed.

• 50:13Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, well, come on.

• 50:14Speaker 03

  So I don't know what to do.

• 50:15Dr. John Delony?

  Well, number one, yes, there are meetings here. Number two, you need to have a sponsor that you can text when those night times, when the demons call at nighttime.

• 50:23Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 50:23Dr. John Delony?

  The third thing is, somehow, a story has been connected in your mind that letting loose and letting go equals freedom. And because you're so clenched, fighting demons every minute of every day, that's all you got. When you solve for peace every minute of every day, and you're not going to war every minute of every day, then you don't have anything to escape from at nighttime.

• 50:57Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 50:58Dr. John Delony?

  Does that make sense?

• 51:00Speaker 03

  Yeah, it sounds good.

• 51:02Dr. John Delony?

  I know, I know, it's like, okay, good. So, here's what I mean. You're not in a place where a vacation for you, coming to Nashville, Tennessee in February, is a thing you can do that's not highly, highly scripted.

• 51:20Dr. John Delony?

  And it might be, this is not a quote unquote relaxing ah, weekend. Or trip.

• 51:30Dr. John Delony?

  Mine never are. I know.

• 51:33Dr. John Delony?

  But let's make it, let's make it a challenge in the, in a positive direction.

• 51:40Dr. John Delony?

  Not an unledding that causes all kinds of relational damage on the other side.

• 51:46Dr. John Delony?

  So you know, when I'm out on vacation, here is usually what I'm aiming for at the end of a night. I would love for you to sit down with your wife and say, can we plan this? Even if we have to go, we, we get scripts during, when I'm on live events, they're, they're called MBMs. They're minute by minute.

• 52:06Dr. John Delony?

  And so that's where y'all are right now. And that's okay.

• 52:11Dr. John Delony?

  It's actually going to make you have a better trip because here's what you're going to do. You're going to sit down with your wife, you're going to say, let's dream about how we want this vacation to feel at 10 o'clock every night of the week, we're on this trip. I want it to feel like, ah, okay, cool. What must be true because I'm not drinking.

• 52:30Dr. John Delony?

  And it may be y'all come all the way to Nashville, Tennessee and go to a movie.

• 52:35Dr. John Delony?

  That sounds fun. But we'll, we'll have held hands, come all the way to Nashville, Tennessee and go to the T-Pak and go watch a play.

• 52:44Dr. John Delony?

  Right? Like, so it's, it's, we're, we're going to plan this thing together and that may be the greatest vacation thing you can do.

• 52:56Dr. John Delony?

  And it may also be you get into February and your head over heels into recovery and your head over heels into a great therapist and you back up and say, hey, this trip in February, we're going to punt it to April.

• 53:11Dr. John Delony?

  Because right now, I've done enough, just enough counseling that the scabs are starting to get, starting to come off and things are pretty raw. And so me hopping on a plane is just a recipe for landing six beers in. Or we're coming to Nashville, Tennessee, and we're gonna go down to Broadway, and that's just not a good idea, man, because there's alcohol everywhere. It's okay, great, cool. And I hang out with people all the time who are stone sober, professional musicians and comedians who like, they just, they can be around all day long, they just don't even like, meh. And so you'll get there, you're just not there yet, and that's all right. Training for a, you're training for a marathon,

• 53:50Dr. John Delony?

  and you can, you can do the couch to one mile. Great, you're on the path, man. Here's your homework assignment, brother. I want you to write a letter to seven-year-old you, and I want you to write a letter to thirteen-year-old you. And I want you to tell him, I'm sorry, was not their fault. Everything that happens starting today, you're gonna take responsibility for. You're gonna make the calls, you're gonna get a new counselor, you're gonna do the exercise, you're gonna practice sleep, hang on the line, I'm gonna send you a copy of Building a Non-Anxious Life. I want that to be your blueprint for you and your wife.

• 54:34Dr. John Delony?

  For building a life that is surrounded by peace. And for you, sobriety's gonna be a part of that for a while, if not forever. Great. And we're gonna meet with a good trauma therapist, of which I know are in West Texas. And if you have to drive an hour or two, great. But we're gonna get on the path, or stay on it, actually. I am proud of you. You call me anytime, anytime, I'll have you on the show anytime you cut to the front of the line, and we'll walk with you. I'm proud of you, my brother.

• 55:03Dr. John Delony?

  Day 12. You're on it, man. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. You've probably heard people talk about different kinds of flags in friendships and romantic relationships. You've got red flags and green flags and beige flags. Listen, it can be helpful to look for relationship patterns or unsafe behaviors. But to me, all these flag labels can distract from what's really important when you're trying to find a lasting relationship. What's really important are your values and your potential partner's values, and whether both of you are willing to wake up every day and choose to honor each other's values. But when you grow up in challenging environments, or given how we are bombarded with everyone else's values

• 55:45Dr. John Delony?

  all of the time, all day, every day, it can be tough to even know, what are my values? What is important to me in a relationship? And how will I show up to honor myself and love my partner? Forget all of those flag colors. Listen, how can you learn what you actually value? Therapy can help you figure out what your values are. It can help you learn for what you're looking for in relationships. And therapy can help you decide your boundaries and your non-negotiables. If you're thinking about starting therapy, try BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy that works with your schedule. To get started, just fill out a short online survey to get matched with a licensed therapist. And if it's not the right fit, you can switch therapists at any time for no extra cost. So whether you're

• 56:27Dr. John Delony?

  dating, married, building a friendship, or just working on yourself, do it with help from BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com/deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P, dot com slash deloney.

• 56:44Dr. John Delony?

  All right, we are back. Kelly, give us something cool that happened.

• 56:47Speaker 04

  All right, this is from Beth, and she says, "Over the holidays, my husband and I went on a trip to stay with my brother and his wife. My relationship with my brother has been complicated." I'm sorry, it was her brother. I said that wrong. "My relationship with my brother has been complicated. For about a decade, we didn't speak. But we all really wanted to cultivate a healthier relationship. I just finished the Connections chapter of Building a Non-Anxious Life, so I pulled up the online questions for humans mentioned in the chapter, and we spent a couple of hours having the greatest conversation we've ever had." It culminated with me telling my brother all the ways I was proud of him. It was one of the best visits we've ever had. Thank you to you and your team for all that you do.

• 57:26Dr. John Delony?

  Amazing, way to go. And if you are in a situation where you haven't talked to your parents in two or three years, you haven't talked to your brothers and sisters for two, three, five, 10 years. I just believe in redemption, man. I wouldn't do this show if I didn't believe in it. And I always think today is a new day. Today is a new day, you can start. And like, I'm gonna make that phone call. Or I'm gonna do it. So, awesome, awesome, awesome. And I'm glad that we got to be a part of that journey. That's a good way to end the show today. That brings me some joy to my heart.

• 57:56Speaker 04

  It's what I live for. To bring joy to your heart.

• 57:59Dr. John Delony?

  You are not gonna live very long because that is not one of your skills. Hey, everybody, thank you for being with us. Love you guys. Subscribe. Don't forget to subscribe to the show. Send this show to somebody that you love, that matters to you. And if you will take 10 seconds and leave a five-star review on one of the various internet platforms, it means the world. Thank you all, we love you. Bye.