From Shadow to Strength: The Power of the R.A.R.E. Method w/John R. Miles | EP 636

In this powerful solo episode, John R. Miles explores the emotional architecture of transformation—starting with shadow awareness and ending with integration. You'll learn how your inner world shapes everything you lead, create, and care about. Through the R. A. R. E. Method (Recognize, Acknowledge, Reveal, Exchange), John offers a practical framework to help you stop reacting from old wounds and start responding from clarity. Whether you're a leader, parent, partner, or creator, this episode is your guide to becoming more grounded, emotionally safe, and aligned in every area of life. Click Here for the Full ShownotesWant to Go Deeper? Get the full episode companion guide—including journaling prompts, the R. A. R. E. Method worksheet, and exclusive tools to help you apply what you heard today—inside The Ignition Room, our members-only hub for real transformation.👉 Access it now at theignitedlife.net and start integrating this episode into your actual life. How to Connect with John:Connect with John on Twitter at @John_RMilesFollow him on Instagram at @John_R_MilesSubscribe to our main YouTube Channel and to our YouTube Clips ChannelFor more insights and resources, visit John’s websiteConnect with John Pre-Order The Mattering Effect: https://matteringeffect.com/Book John to Speak: https://johnrmiles.com/speaking/Keynotes, books, podcast, and resources: https://linktr.ee/John_R_MilesChildren’s Book — You Matter, Luma: https://youmatterluma.com/Substack: https://www.theignitedlife.net/Support the Movement: https://startmattering.com/. Every human deserves to feel seen, valued, and like they matter. Wear it. Live it. Show it. DisclaimerThe Passion Struck podcast is for educational and entertainment purposes only. The views and opinions expressed do not necessarily reflect those of Passion Struck or its affiliates. This podcast is not a substitute for professional medical or psychological advice.

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00John R. Miles?

  Coming up next on Passion Struck, picture this, you're in a conversation that suddenly turns sharp. Someone criticizes you, maybe gently, maybe not, and without thinking, you shut down, or lash out, or laugh it off like it didn't sting. Then later, in silence, it hits you. Why did I react like that? What just triggered me inside? That, right there, is the work. The moment between trigger and the truth. The moment your shadow shows up, uninvited, unedited. In episode 636, we're not talking about productivity hacks.

• 0:42John R. Miles?

  We're talking about emotional honesty. Because doing the inner work is not a self-help side quest, it's the path. And if you've ever wondered why the same patterns keep repeating, or why self-sabotage kicks in just as things start to go well, this episode is for you. Welcome to Passion Struck. Hi, I'm your host, John R. Miles, and on the show, we decipher the secrets, tips, and guidance of the world's most inspiring people, and turn their wisdom into practical advice for you and those around you. Our mission is to help you unlock the power of intentionality, so that you can become the best version of

• 1:24John R. Miles?

  yourself. If you're new to the show, I offer advice and answer listener questions on Fridays. We have long-form interviews the rest of the week with guests ranging from astronauts to authors, CEOs, creators, innovators, scientists, military leaders, visionaries, and athletes. Now, let's go out there and become passion-struck. Welcome to Passion Struck. I'm your host, John Miles, and this is episode 636, in our ongoing series, The Power to Change. Over the past few weeks, we've been exploring how real transformation happens, not through willpower alone, but through identity shifts, emotional insight, and conscious design. In my last episode, Becoming Who You Were

• 2:08John R. Miles?

  Meant to Be, episode 633, we explored how small, anchored shifts can reshape your inner narrative, and how the habits you build aren't just actions. They're votes for the person you're becoming. And earlier this week, in episode 634, I sat down with Kayla Shaheen, bestselling author of The Shadow Work Journal. From one of the most honest conversations that we've had on the show, Kayla reminded us that transformation isn't always about becoming someone new. Sometimes it's about unbecoming. Everything you had to be just to survive. And that's exactly where we're headed today.

• 2:49John R. Miles?

  We're diving into the often invisible architecture of change, our inner world. Because until you do the inner work, your outer world will always reflect your old programming. You can't lead what you won't look at. You can't change what you're unwilling to confront. In this episode, you'll learn why self-awareness is the root of emotional intelligence, how your shadow shows up even when you think you're fine, and what it takes to become someone who can lead, love, and live with congruence. If this episode resonates with you and you want to go deeper, I've created a free companion guide with journaling prompts, self-inquiry tools, and a full write-up of the episode.

• 3:34John R. Miles?

  You can grab it now inside The Ignited Life, our Substack newsletter dedicated to helping you live with more clarity, intention, and courage. Go to theignitedlife.net or visit passionstruck.com to access all of the extras from today's episode, along with curated playlists and bonus insights that we don't include on the show. And if this topic, self-awareness, emotional congruence, and identity transformation is something that you want to bring to your company team or leadership summit, I'm currently booking keynotes and workshops for fall 2025 and winter 2026. You can find more about my speaker availability at johnrmiles.com/speaking.

• 4:19John R. Miles?

  You don't just live better when you do the inner work. You lead better, you love better, and you build with more clarity and trust. So whether you're here for personal growth, better leadership, or deeper relationships, this episode is for you. Let's get into it. Thank you for choosing Passion Struck and choosing me to be your host and guide on your journey to creating an intentional life. Now let that journey begin.

• 4:51John R. Miles?

  Let's start with the truth most people spend their entire lives avoiding. You can't change your outer world until you're willing to face your inner one. We live in a world that tells us fix the job, fix the schedule, fix the partner, fix the body, and then maybe you'll feel better. So we chase surface solutions. We optimize, we manage, we stay busy. But inside, the same fear, the same anger, the same shame, just with better lighting. That's the myth. If you just move fast enough, perform well enough, or achieve loud enough, the pain

• 5:35John R. Miles?

  inside will stay quiet. But here's the truth, that part of you you won't face still drives, still chooses, still whispers your limits when no one's watching. Carl Jung said it best, "Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate." Think about that. All the decisions you're making, all the patterns that keep showing up in your relationships, your leadership, your self-talk, they're not random. They're reflections of old wounds, of internalized scripts, of emotional blueprints you didn't choose but are still following. And here's why inner work is so hard.

• 6:19John R. Miles?

  It doesn't reward you with a gold star. There's no trophy for sitting with your insecurity, no standing ovation for facing the part of you that feels unlovable. Inner work doesn't flatter the ego, it confronts it. Because the moment you ask, "Why do I keep reacting like this?", you're forced to meet parts of yourself you've spent years hiding from. The part of you that needs to be right, the part of you that manipulates to stay safe, the part that never feels enough, no matter what you achieve. Facing that, it takes more courage than any external change you could make. So, we end up avoiding it.

• 7:02John R. Miles?

  We intellectualize, we spiritual bypass, we stay busy, we stay productive, we stay quote unquote "fine", because once you pull back the curtain, once you stop blaming the world and start looking in the mirror, you can't unsee what's there. And what's there is usually messy. But here's the paradox. Avoiding the mess doesn't protect you from it. It just makes you project it onto everyone else. You blame your team for being disorganized, when really, you fear not being in control. You criticize your partner for not listening, when deep down, you're the one who stops sharing honestly. You say, "Your boss doesn't see your potential", but you're the one who's never voiced

• 7:47John R. Miles?

  what you actually really want. When you don't do the inner work, you leak resentment, control, reactivity, and you call it leadership. Over time, the costs compound. We live in misalignment, where our values and our behaviors don't match. This is something I spoke to in depth in my book Passion Struck. We end up burning out, not from overwork, but from overcompensation. And we stay stuck in loops we can't name, because we're too afraid to slow down and feel. This is why relationships break down, why leaders lose trust, why purpose feels hollow. Because we're not living from clarity,

• 8:32John R. Miles?

  we're living from clutter. Let me give you a metaphor. Inner work is like cleaning the lenses of your glasses. When the lens is smudged, you don't see the dirt. You see a distorted world. Everything feels off, blurry, frustrating. So you try to fix. What's in front of you? You squint harder, you blame the view, you get angry at the light. But the problem isn't the world, it's the lens. And once you clean it, once you bring awareness to the smudges, you realize it was never about the outside. It was about clarity. It was about seeing reality without the distortion of old pain.

• 9:16John R. Miles?

  That's the work, not fixing what's out there, facing what's in here. And then, only then, changing the world from a place that's true, aligned, and real. Let's pause here because coming up next, I'm going to break down what self-awareness is. Not the Instagram version, not the Know Your Myers-Briggs version, but the deep-layered awareness that reshapes everything from how you lead, to how you love, to how you live when nobody's watching. That's next.

• 9:54John R. Miles?

  Self-awareness gets talked a lot about these days, but too often it gets watered down to something vague and surface level, like knowing your Enneagram type, or identifying as a Type A, or saying, "I just like to keep it real." That's not self-awareness. That's personality profiling. Real self-awareness is deeper. It's the capacity to see your own patterns clearly, compassionately, and without flinching. It's the ability to track what you're feeling, why you're reacting, and how your story is shaping your decisions in real time. Daniel Goleman, who helped popularize emotional intelligence, calls self-awareness "the cornerstone of it all."

• 10:39John R. Miles?

  If you're not aware of what you're feeling, why you're feeling it, or how you're impacting others, he said, you'll keep operating on autopilot. And here's where Dr. Tasha Yurk's work, whom I interviewed in episode 592, takes it a step further. She's an author and researcher who studied thousands of people. And she's found that while 95% of us think we're self-aware, the actual number is about 10 to 15%. Let that sink in. Most of us are flying blind and don't even know it. So let's ground this. When I talk about doing the inner work... I'm talking about building three specific levels of self-awareness.

• 11:22John R. Miles?

  Level one is called narrative awareness. The story that you're telling yourself. What story am I living inside right now? This is the mental loop that explains the world to you, whether it's true or not. Narrative awareness is catching the voice that says, "People always let me down. If I don't stay in control, everything falls apart. I have to earn love by being useful." These stories get written early by trauma, family dynamics, cultural scripts, and they become your default operating system. Let me give you an example. A former client of mine, let's just call him Marcus, was a senior leader who constantly micromanaged his team.

• 12:07John R. Miles?

  He thought he had a delegation problem, but after one conversation, we uncovered the deeper story. He told me, "If I'm not in control, people will disappoint me and I'll be blamed." That wasn't a productivity issue. That was a childhood wound that got baked into his leadership. Once he could name the story, he could start to change it. Narrative awareness is the first crack in the autopilot. And this brings us to level two, emotional awareness. What am I feeling right now? Not what I think I should feel, not what I want to perform. What's actually here?

• 12:48John R. Miles?

  Most of us are taught to name two emotions, fine or overwhelmed. Everything else gets buried. But when you start building emotional granularity, when you can say, "I feel dismissed," or "I feel unworthy," or "I feel powerless," you end up taking your power back. Because now you're not just reaching, you're reflecting. You're becoming conscious of what's driving you. And here's the kicker. The more language you build around emotion, the more flexibility you have in handling it. This is what Goldman found in his research. Emotional awareness increases your ability to regulate, to empathize, and to respond intentionally

• 13:33John R. Miles?

  instead of impulsively. In other words, if you want to lead well, love well, and live well, you need to know what you're feeling, when you're feeling it. And this leads us to level three, shadow awareness. What part of me am I afraid to meet? This is the part of you you try to outrun. The needy part, the jealous part, the angry, insecure, petty, or manipulative part. Everyone has one. The question is, are you aware of it? Or are you letting it steer your life in the dark? And this brings us back to something Kayla Shaheen talked about in our episode on Tuesday this week. You don't heal what you won't acknowledge.

• 14:18John R. Miles?

  And you can't transform what you're still pretending isn't there. That hit me because I've seen it myself. Moments where I was showing up confident on the outside. But really, I was performing to avoid being exposed. Shadow awareness is the deepest layer of self-awareness and the most powerful. Because when you're willing to look at what you've been hiding, that part of you stops controlling you. You don't have to pretend. You don't have to prove. You just have to integrate. And now that we've mapped the landscape of self-awareness,

• 14:59John R. Miles?

  let's talk about the level that most people resist the hardest, the shadow, the version of you you've tried not to be, the part of you. You've worked overtime to outperform, outachieve, and outnumb. That's coming up in the next part of today's episode. But first, let's take a quick pause. If this episode is resonating with you and you want to go deeper, I want to remind you that there's a free companion guide available right now inside the Ignited Life newsletter on Substack. It includes self-awareness journal prompts, a full episode breakdown, and a set of shadow work exercises to help you apply what you're hearing today. Just head to theignitedlife.net to get access.

• 15:44John R. Miles?

  Now, a short break from our sponsors.

• 15:51John R. Miles?

  All right, back to the episode. Let's get specific. Shadow work shows up in subtle, everyday ways, ways that feel normal until you start paying attention. For years, I was obsessed with preparation. Every interview, every conversation, I would over-prepare to the point of burnout. I told myself it was just professionalism, but if I'm honest, it was control. Beneath that drive was a deeper fear, one of being caught off-guard, of not having the answer, of being exposed. That's the overachiever in shadow, someone who keeps achieving to feel worthy. But others carry different types of shadows.

• 16:36John R. Miles?

  The peacemaker, who silences their needs to keep harmony but ends up losing their voice. The helper, who gives endlessly to feel needed but ends up resentful and unseen. And these shadows don't just show up in big moments. They sneak into your daily life like this. You rewrite an email three times just to sound good enough. You say I'm good either way when you're not. Because you're scared to rock the boat, you offer to help again, even when you're running on fumes. I've lived versions of all three. These aren't flaws, they're survival strategies. But what once protected you starts to limit you.

• 17:19John R. Miles?

  And unless you face the scared part of you, the one trying to keep you safe by controlling, avoiding, or performing, it will keep running the show. When you stop performing the shadow, people can finally connect with the real you. Shadow work gives you the insight, but insight alone isn't transformation. You can't just name the wound. You have to respond differently because of it. That's the next layer, turning awareness into action, choosing moment by moment, to lead your life from clarity, not protection. So what does that look like? Not in theory, but in real life. In the hard meeting, in the awkward conversation,

• 18:02John R. Miles?

  the quiet moment when your old pattern wants to kick back in. You've done the inner scan. Now it's time to live the shift. Awareness is powerful, but it's not the finish line. It's the foundation. Because once you've identified what you feel, once you've noticed what you avoid, once you've named the story you're living inside, you're left with a crucial question. Now what? This is where most people get stuck. They do the reflection, but not the rewiring. They spot the pattern, but still walk it. They identify the shadow, but keep letting it drive. Real transformation happens when awareness becomes embodied.

• 18:45John R. Miles?

  And that's where the RARE method comes in. This four-step process helps you apply the insights in the moments that matter most. Because real change isn't common, it's rare. Built in quiet moments when no one's watching, but everything is shifting. So let's talk about step one in the RARE method. This is all about recognizing the story. What narrative is driving me right now? This is about catching the script you're operating from before it decides your next move. When you feel off, resentful, anxious, reactive, pause and ask, what story am I believing? What am I assuming is true? What old message of me just got triggered?

• 19:31John R. Miles?

  It might be, "They don't respect me. If I say no, I'll disappoint them. I have to earn love by being needed." Naming the story breaks the trance. It moves you from reaction to awareness. And this leads us to step two in the RARE method: Acknowledge the emotion. What am I actually feeling right now? Don't default to "fine" or "I feel frustrated." Be specific. Precision creates power. Say, "I feel disregarded. I feel exposed. I feel powerless." Why it matters? The brain can't regulate what it can't name. And most emotional chaos

• 20:14John R. Miles?

  comes not from emotion, but from resisting it. When you reclaim what's real, you reclaim choice. Which brings us to step three in the RARE method: Reveal the shadow. What part of me is being exposed or protected right now? This is where you have to get honest about what's underneath. Not just, "I'm annoyed, but I feel I'm irrelevant and I'm trying to prove I matter." Not just, "I'm angry, but I feel unsafe and I'm trying to regain control." Shadow work isn't about fixing that part. It's about facing it. So it stops driving your life in the dark.

• 20:56John R. Miles?

  And this leads us to step four in the RARE method: Exchange the pattern. Now that I see what's happening, what do I want to do differently? This is the practice of choosing a new response, even when it feels awkward. Now it's time to choose a new pattern. Instead of snapping when you feel dismissed, pause and say, "Can I share something that's on my mind?" Instead of saying "yes" out of guilt, try, "I'd love to help, but I need to honor my bandwidth." Instead of defaulting to people pleasing, practice...

• 21:33John R. Miles?

  Here's what I actually need right now. That tension you feel, that's not failure. It's evidence that you're disrupting the loop. Here's the deeper truth. Doing the inner work doesn't just change your mindset. It changes your life and the lives of everyone whom you lead, love, and impact. Because the more self-aware you become, the more emotionally safe you become to your team, to your partner, to your kids, and most importantly, to yourself. When you stop judging your emotions, when you stop hiding from your shadow, when you stop abandoning your truth to earn love,

• 22:16John R. Miles?

  you begin to trust yourself, and that trust becomes the foundation for everything else. And this is why inner work ripples outward. Because self-awareness isn't just personal growth. It's relational leadership. When you've done your inner work, people around you feel it. Parents stay present in hard moments. Friends own their impact without defensiveness. Leaders stop performing and start resonating. You don't need to fix everyone. You just need to stop projecting what you haven't faced. We live in a world obsessed with control, speed, and self-optimization.

• 23:00John R. Miles?

  But beneath the surface, most people are exhausted. Emotionally underdeveloped, spiritually hungry. We scroll more, but we feel less. We achieve more, but connect less. We talk about living our truth, but rarely sit still long enough to hear it. We've mastered the art of performance, but not the courage of presence. That's why inner work matters. Not just for personal transformation, but for cultural restoration. Because a generation that avoids its emotions repeats its dysfunction.

• 23:40John R. Miles?

  But a generation that learns to face itself, it starts to heal. One person, one moment, one breath at a time. And here's what becomes possible when you do this work. You stop clinging to outdated identities. You start creating from clarity, not chaos. You become a safer person for people to be around. You start attracting relationships that reflect your growth. You stop fixing and start expressing. You stop chasing worth and start trusting your own. Because the truth is, trust doesn't come from protection. It comes from presence.

• 24:21John R. Miles?

  So let me ask you, what part of you have you avoided? But are finally ready to meet? Maybe it's a truth you haven't said out loud. Maybe it's a pattern you're done repeating. Maybe it's a version of you that's been buried beneath performance, people pleasing, or pain. Whatever it is, this is your invitation. Not to perform, not to prove, but to come home to yourself and build your life from that place. Because the more honest you are with yourself, the more powerfully you show up in the world. Insight is powerful, but integration? That's where the transformation lies. So if today's episode stirred something in you,

• 25:05John R. Miles?

  here are five simple, intentional ways to work off the page and into your actual life. First, name the emotion, not just the reaction. Instead of saying, "I'm frustrated," or "I'm fine," ask, "What am I really feeling right now?" Try words like dismissed, overwhelmed, unseen, ashamed. The more precise you are, the more choice you have in unlocking how you respond. Second, ask, "What story am I living right now?" When you feel stuck or reactive, say to yourself, "What narrative is shaping this moment?" You might just uncover, "I have to be perfect to be safe.

• 25:48John R. Miles?

  If I say what I need, I'll lose connection." Naming the story breaks the trance. Third, track the trigger to the wound. Next time you get activated, trace it. What old part of me just got touched? This is shadow work in motion. You're not being dramatic. You're being honest with your history, which leads us... To the fourth, own the projection. If someone really gets under your skin, try asking, is this really about them? Or something in me I haven't faced? This isn't about blame. It's about reclaiming your power and your part. And then fifth, use this journal prompt. What part of myself have I outgrown?

• 26:32John R. Miles?

  But still cling to? Let this one take you somewhere. Be honest, be gentle. What identity, story, or role are you holding on to? That's already expired. These aren't productivity tips. They're presence practices. Each one is a tiny act of self-trust. Each one brings you closer to alignment. You don't need to do all five. Just pick one and live it today. And if you want to take this even deeper, try this. For the next 24 hours, just notice. When do you feel the urge to perform? Please or approve? Write down what triggered it. That's your shadow tapping on the glass.

• 27:16John R. Miles?

  And that's exactly where the work begins. The world doesn't need more polished people, more productive people, more people who can perform on cue. What it needs, what it is starved for are people who are real. People who are congruent. People who have stopped outsourcing their worth to achievement, applause, or control. People who have done the work to know themselves and show up aligned. Because when you meet someone who's integrated, you feel it. They don't react, they respond. They don't impress, they resonate. They don't need to dominate the room. Their presence speaks for itself.

• 28:00John R. Miles?

  That's what inner work creates. Not just self-awareness, but emotional safety, creative clarity, courage in real time. So let me leave you with this. What kind of world could we build? If more of us were brave enough to truly know ourselves? To stop performing and to start living from the inside out? That's the world I want to help create. And if you're listening to this, something tells me you do too. Thank you so much for being here today. Doing inner work isn't easy. It's uncomfortable. It's confronting, but it's also liberating. Because when you face what's within, you stop being run by what's unconscious and you start

• 28:44John R. Miles?

  becoming someone who leads, lives, and loves with intention. If this episode stirred something in you, don't keep it to yourself. Share it with someone who's ready to grow. A friend, a teammate, a partner, someone who's tired of living on autopilot and ready to come back to themselves. And if you want to take this even deeper, be sure to check out theignitedlife.net, our Substack. This week's issue includes a full companion guide, reflection prompts, the downloadable rare method, tool that you can use daily, and you can find it all at theignitedlife.net or you can find the link through passionstruck.com. Now, don't miss our next exciting episode.

• 29:26John R. Miles?

  I'm sitting down with Steve Heine, one of the world's leading scholars on Zen Buddhism, to talk about identity, impermanence, and what it really means to find clarity in chaos. It's a conversation that will challenge your assumptions and expand your mind, whether or not you've ever set foot on a meditation cushion.

• 29:44Speaker 01

  We've just been increasing the number of things that people need to figure out on their own, and it's during their youth in particular. I think being made worse by various technologies that kids now are always online and are always comparing themselves, not just to the few kids who live in their neighborhood as it was in the past, but now comparing their lives to these carefully curated, better-than-reality could possibly be, the kind of lives that they're seeing on Instagram and whatnot, and sizing their lives up in those ways, I think are just adding to the tensions of being younger these days.

• 30:18John R. Miles?

  Until then, keep noticing, keep reflecting, keep becoming. Live life, Passion Struck.