Triggered By Trauma w/ Triggernometry's Francis Foster & Konstantin Kisin | Your Mom's House Ep. 851

SPONSORS: - Head to http://lucy.co/stores to get 20% off your first order when you buy online with code YMH. - For simple, online access to personalized and affordable care for Hair Loss, Weight Loss, and more, visit https://Hims.com/YMH. - Head to https://Wayfair.com right now to shop all things home. Tom Segura and Christina P are back for another wild episode of Your Mom’s House Podcast, diving headfirst into a new batch of internet insanity before they are joined by some very European guests. This episode covers everything from the viral McDonalds CEO video, to horny grannies, to Obama talking black, to Putin praising some broads, plus, Gene Simmons telling celebs to shut up, pigeons taking over a mans home, and Christina showing Tom a game called "Chernobyl or Hungarian Hospital?" Later in the episode, Francis Foster and Konstantin Kisin join the show for a hilarious guest segment packed with sharp cultural commentary, stories about Eastern Europe, parenting, travel, teaching, gratitude, and why seeing more of the world might be the cure for modern stupidity. The conversation bounces from outrageous internet content to real talk about America, Hungary, Russia, Ukraine, family life, and raising kids with perspective. Plus Francis and Konstantin get a dose of Christina's TikTok curations just for good measure. Cheerio! Your Mom’s House Ep. 851 https://tomsegura.com/tour https://christinap.com/ https://store.ymhstudios.com https://www.reddit.com/r/yourmomshousepodcast Chapters 00:00:00 - Intro 00:00:11 - Obama Taliking Black 00:07:07 - Opening Clip: Cool Brag 00:09:34 - Clip: Cool Gal Loves Her Fiance 00:13:12 - Clip: Chocolate Massage 00:15:36 - Gene Simmons Says Shut Up 00:20:33 - Clip: Paralympian Tom 00:21:34 - RIP Robert Carradine 00:26:01 - They Did Surgery On A Weiner... In A Car 00:29:48 - Clip: Public Pooper 00:30:30 - Russian Pigeon House 00:32:13 - Chernobyl or Hungarian Hospital? 00:34:18 - Clip: Screaming Into Void 00:35:10 - Mike The Tax Guy 00:37:49 - Francis Foster & Konstantin Kisin 00:44:58 - Brexit, Royals, & Epstein Files 00:50:06 - Talented Pieces Of Shit 00:56:33 - Talking To Yourself & Accents 01:04:01 - Master Of Accents 01:11:28 - Dictators 01:21:05 - Horrible Or Hilarious 01:26:28 - McDonalds CEO Tries New Burger 01:30:06 - Very British Discussion 01:34:06 - TikToks 01:45:53 - Chernobyl Or Hungarian Hospital? Redux 01:49:07 - Closing Song - "How You Say Cucumber" by Micah Akervold Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:11Tom Segura?

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• 0:56Tom Segura?

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• 1:12Speaker 01

  There are white folks and then there are ignorant motherfuckers like you.

• 1:18Speaker 01

  Buy your own damn fryer.

• 1:21Tom Segura?

  That's so crazy. That is our ex-president. That's crazy.

• 1:24Speaker 01

  Now, you know that guy ain't shit.

• 1:27Speaker 02

  You know, I never believed you when you told me that.

• 1:29Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:29Speaker 02

  I never believed you.

• 1:30Tom Segura?

  And it really is.

• 1:31Speaker 02

  I think just now, I just, I just...

• 1:34Speaker 01

  There are white folks and then there are ignorant motherfuckers like you.

• 1:36Speaker 02

  It was like six years ago. I didn't believe that.

• 1:39Christina Pazsitzky?

  More, no?

• 1:40Tom Segura?

  More, yeah.

• 1:40Christina Pazsitzky?

  We played that in Silver Lake, right?

• 1:43Tom Segura?

  No, but when I first played, he was like, "Yeah, sure."

• 1:46Speaker 01

  Sorry, ass motherfucker got nothing on me, right? Nothing.

• 1:51Speaker 01

  You ain't my bitch, nigga.

• 1:53Christina Pazsitzky?

  Can we please play this for today? Will you open with those? Are we rolling?

• 1:58Tom Segura?

  We're rolling. Let's do it.

• 2:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, good. Keep that in.

• 2:00Tom Segura?

  All right, yeah. That is crazy, though.

• 2:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  Then there are ignorant motherfuckers like you. Do it, do it.

• 2:05Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 2:06Christina Pazsitzky?

  I miss Obama talking.

• 2:07Speaker 01

  There are white folks and then there are ignorant motherfuckers like you.

• 2:10Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 2:11Christina Pazsitzky?

  Like you.

• 2:11Tom Segura?

  Like you.

• 2:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  He can't even talk cool black.

• 2:15Tom Segura?

  I know.

• 2:17Tom Segura?

  That's him. That's Obama.

• 2:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  That is Obama.

• 2:21Tom Segura?

  No, he, um, yeah. So for people don't know, he did an audio book before, cause he had written a book. He written, at this point, he's written several. And at that point, it was talking about where he grew up. And so it's the audio book from the book that he had written. And people were like, there's no way that that's him. And it's definitely him. Buy your own damn fries.

• 2:44Tom Segura?

  That's President Obama.

• 2:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  More, more.

• 2:47Tom Segura?

  Now you know that guy ain't shit.

• 2:48Christina Pazsitzky?

  Now you know that guy ain't shit.

• 2:50Tom Segura?

  Yeah, that's so great.

• 2:51Christina Pazsitzky?

  Why, why does he sound like a white guy pretending to be a black guy still? Like Any say, now you know you ain't shit.

• 2:59Tom Segura?

  Now you know you ain't shit.

• 3:01Christina Pazsitzky?

  See, this sounds real.

• 3:02Tom Segura?

  Yeah. Does it?

• 3:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 3:04Tom Segura?

  Well, I mean, I'm half white too. I feel like it doesn't really. But also, Any's not like a few years into being a senator, you know?

• 3:11Christina Pazsitzky?

  I guess.

• 3:12Tom Segura?

  So it's like, he might just start speaking differently.

• 3:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  I wish Obama blacked it up now in hindsight.

• 3:19Tom Segura?

  I feel like he code switches pretty hard. He does, he does code switch a lot. Yeah. He ain't bad. He does. He does. I mean, his handshake thing is super viral.

• 3:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  May I see?

• 3:29Tom Segura?

  How he's like, he's like hello to white people. Then he's like, what's up? You know, like Key and Peele did a whole sketch about it, but it's, it's a hundred percent true. You can see it all the time. Yeah.

• 3:39Christina Pazsitzky?

  Ah, I love it.

• 3:41Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 3:42Christina Pazsitzky?

  I love it.

• 3:42Tom Segura?

  Look at, look at how he, um, he greets, this is, who's he greeting here? Yeah, this is like the.

• 3:50Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, yeah, okay.

• 3:56Tom Segura?

  Big time. And then this guy is like, how are you?

• 4:00Speaker 05

  Got my vote.

• 4:00Tom Segura?

  How's it going?

• 4:01Speaker 05

  You got my vote.

• 4:03Tom Segura?

  That guy kinda wanted it. Hello?

• 4:06Christina Pazsitzky?

  Hello? Oh, yeah.

• 4:07Tom Segura?

  Hello. Did I see if you back out of this? Were they asking him about it in the, in a scroll up look right there?

• 4:15Speaker 06

  The key and feel, you know, the handshake, you know, I was thinking that's like a, an accurate, an accurate representation. Here's what happened. I'm going down the road, right? A lot of those guys I knew. For sure. It's Steph, it's LeBron. I've been knowing those guys forever. Coach Few I'd never met. And he put out his hand and so I'm like, all right, yeah, I don't know. Is he gonna be comfortable if I pull him into a, you know, bro hug? I don't know. So I just shook his hand. Kerr was right afterwards and, and Steve I knew. Yeah. But the way, the way it played out, I will say it looked just like that key, that key can feel. Did you know right away people were gonna make the comp?

• 4:59Speaker 06

  No, I, I, I had, you know, it wasn't conscious.

• 5:02Tom Segura?

  He also just said, I've been knowing Steph.

• 5:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, yeah, I know. I heard it. I've been knowing Steph.

• 5:07Tom Segura?

  That's hilarious dude.

• 5:09Christina Pazsitzky?

  I wish he would go full black.

• 5:10Tom Segura?

  Yeah, he, he.

• 5:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  We can handle it. Can't America handle full black now?

• 5:16Tom Segura?

  Yeah, for sure.

• 5:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  I feel like they could.

• 5:18Tom Segura?

  I also feel like he's so, he's, this is such a nice departure from what we're used to seeing.

• 5:24Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh my god.

• 5:24Tom Segura?

  Like this just feels like, oh, that's nice. That feels like a nice, you're like, oh yeah, my uncle's awesome. Like you haven't seen him in a while. It just feels comforting to hear him speak, you know?

• 5:36Christina Pazsitzky?

  Not like everything's amazing. I'm so great at stuff.

• 5:39Tom Segura?

  Did some big things today.

• 5:40Christina Pazsitzky?

  Big good things.

• 5:41Tom Segura?

  Missiles that you wouldn't believe. Fucking hit everything that we wanted to hit. We're gonna be doing a lot of stuff. Okay.

• 5:49Christina Pazsitzky?

  Like at least, yeah, at least talk, talk all presidential and stuff. He just can't. He can't even fucking pretend to be normal.

• 5:57Tom Segura?

  Guy has a fucking fourth grade vocabulary.

• 5:59Christina Pazsitzky?

  I mean shit, I even saw this thing Putin did for International Women's Day. It was like, the women, they work, but they are also so nice and feminine. How did they do this at the same time? Like even Putin can hold it together and act like a human every now and then.

• 6:15Tom Segura?

  Is this accidental thing? Is he just like, what are we talking about? Women?

• 6:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  This is in.

• 6:23Tom Segura?

  This is like the unedited thing. He's like, "Give me something to drink before I kill you."

• 6:27Speaker 05

  You know, "Let me say something else."

• 6:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  Ugh. "No chuk, no chuk, no boznevah."

• 6:39Speaker 05

  "I've spoken a lot."

• 6:40Christina Pazsitzky?

  "Give him some vodka."

• 6:41Tom Segura?

  Oh, they accidentally released this.

• 6:44Tom Segura?

  I'm sure he was thrilled about that.

• 6:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  Just cleaning his teeth.

• 6:47Tom Segura?

  I'm sure nobody got fucking beheaded for doing that.

• 6:51Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's terrible.

• 6:56Speaker 07

  Ladies and gentlemen, I am very happy to congratulate you on International Women's Day.

• 7:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  See?

• 7:01Speaker 07

  Ladies and gentlemen, I am sincerely pleased to congratulate you on the International Women's Day.

• 7:07Christina Pazsitzky?

  This is not the clip.

• 7:07Speaker 07

  We always celebrate this holiday with the warmest and brightest feelings.

• 7:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  This is another one. It's when there's women in the audience smiling lovingly. It's a recent one. It's like three days ago. That one. And the women are like, "I love you Putin." No, not this one.

• 7:24Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 7:24Christina Pazsitzky?

  This is bullshit, but you know, they... But at least he can...

• 7:28Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 7:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  Pretend to be a sane, rational human. So this is how they go hard in Europe. They give women bouquets and shit.

• 7:35Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 7:36Christina Pazsitzky?

  But this would be considered anti-feminist to give women flowers here on Women's Day.

• 7:42Tom Segura?

  It would be anti-feminist?

• 7:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, they'd be like, "What are you thinking? What do you have any flowers for?"

• 7:46Tom Segura?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 7:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  "Fuck you."

• 7:47Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 7:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  "I'm just like a man, I'm equal."

• 7:49Tom Segura?

  Fucking crazy broads all over the world, man.

• 7:53Christina Pazsitzky?

  I think that... But this is also bullshit too, right? Like, you think a bouquet of flowers is gonna...

• 7:57Tom Segura?

  Well, I mean, it's nice to get a bouquet. I'm sure they're like, "Putin gave me my flowers."

• 8:01Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah. That...

• 8:03Tom Segura?

  It's a special day.

• 8:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah. The supreme leader gives you flowers.

• 8:06Tom Segura?

  Let's give a... Let's open the show with something cool, alright?

• 8:09Christina Pazsitzky?

  No.

• 8:10Tom Segura?

  Here you go.

• 8:13Speaker 08

  Did you ever go down on a girl? Well, I did.

• 8:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  I'm gonna throw up again.

• 8:20Speaker 08

  Last night.

• 8:28Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 8:30Speaker 09

  Who is Randy?

• 8:31Tom Segura?

  That was awesome.

• 8:32Speaker 07

  Don't bring anyone mothering to this. Your momma the fuck is dead!

• 8:36Speaker 10

  Welcome, welcome to your mom's house. With Tom Segura. Tom Segura. And Christina Lozitsky.

• 8:45Tom Segura?

  Ah.

• 8:47Speaker 10

  Welcome to your mom's house.

• 9:24Speaker 08

  Did you ever go down on a girl?

• 9:31Tom Segura?

  That was great, man. What's in his mouth?

• 9:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  Invisalign?

• 9:36Tom Segura?

  That's not a-

• 9:36Christina Pazsitzky?

  Or a whitening thing?

• 9:38Tom Segura?

  I mean, they're really-

• 9:41Christina Pazsitzky?

  I just can't imagine he would have whitening trays, like-

• 9:44Tom Segura?

  I don't think so either. That's a good point, but it's like, what is going on? What is going on?

• 9:48Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, that's the perfect smile.

• 9:50Tom Segura?

  Do you think he has the perfect smile? Do you think it stays in when he eats girls out?

• 9:53Christina Pazsitzky?

  Ah!

• 9:57Christina Pazsitzky?

  I want to see who he's eating out. Don't you want to see who it is?

• 10:00Tom Segura?

  It's definitely someone who's seen better days. Yeah.

• 10:03Christina Pazsitzky?

  For sure. Ugh. Would you take him off? Oh, I'm so- I don't feel good. Stop it!

• 10:10Tom Segura?

  Here's the thing that a lot of people are missing from this. Is that he doesn't- he licks, but then he's sucked on the clit.

• 10:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  Okay, oh!

• 10:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  You know what?

• 10:22Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 10:22Christina Pazsitzky?

  Fuck you.

• 10:22Tom Segura?

  Okay.

• 10:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  Fuck your mom.

• 10:23Tom Segura?

  All right.

• 10:24Christina Pazsitzky?

  Fuck you.

• 10:25Tom Segura?

  Okay.

• 10:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  I hate this.

• 10:27Tom Segura?

  All right, we'll switch it up.

• 10:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  Why do you do this?

• 10:28Tom Segura?

  Let's switch it up.

• 10:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  I was having fun.

• 10:29Tom Segura?

  I'm having fun.

• 10:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  We were talking shit about Obama, we were talking shit about Putin, Trump, and then this fucking shit.

• 10:35Tom Segura?

  All right, all right.

• 10:36Christina Pazsitzky?

  Come on, dude.

• 10:37Speaker 11

  All you people don't understand how I feel about my fiance, Richard Glenn Samelovitch. I want to be with him. And if any of you don't get back to me, something's wrong, and I will sue.

• 10:53Tom Segura?

  Sue?

• 10:53Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yep.

• 10:54Tom Segura?

  You know, I also was, I was telling some of the, uh, our great staff, I was like, do you think there are women right now watching going like, wait, someone proposed to her?

• 11:03Christina Pazsitzky?

  Absolutely.

• 11:04Tom Segura?

  And like, I can't get shacked up, like?

• 11:07Christina Pazsitzky?

  Absolutely, there's someone for everyone, Tom.

• 11:09Tom Segura?

  There really is. Like, yeah.

• 11:12Christina Pazsitzky?

  But I love these clips where the woman is always like, he's mine.

• 11:17Tom Segura?

  He's mine.

• 11:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  He chose me.

• 11:18Tom Segura?

  And stop.

• 11:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  He don't want you.

• 11:20Tom Segura?

  Stop talking to him.

• 11:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  He chose me.

• 11:23Tom Segura?

  Richard Stop Kamalovich. Yeah.

• 11:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  I want to start making clips like that.

• 11:28Speaker 11

  I will sue.

• 11:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  I will sue.

• 11:30Tom Segura?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 11:32Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, I'm not, I'm, who's talking to him? I gotta know. I wish I knew the whole story.

• 11:37Tom Segura?

  She's like, she's ready to sue you. I don't know if you can sue for that. I don't know if she knows the law well, but you can't really just sue people.

• 11:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  For talking to my fiance?

• 11:46Tom Segura?

  I don't think so. You can, you can try.

• 11:48Christina Pazsitzky?

  There's no legalities.

• 11:51Tom Segura?

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• 12:35Tom Segura?

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• 13:17Tom Segura?

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• 14:02Tom Segura?

  Prescription requires see website for full details. Restrictions and important safety information. Individual results may vary based on studies of topical and oral minoxidil and finasteride. Talking to my boss. It's fucking crazy. Then Annie sent this in.

• 14:32Christina Pazsitzky?

  Is this, here's my question, is this an ASMR video? Or is this a porn video? I'm so confused.

• 14:39Tom Segura?

  I feel like it's ASMR soft porn. Cause I don't think it gets into porn stuff. But it's just seeing, well, also it's informative. It's educational. It's showing you how to break down some of that tissue. Cause there's, you know, people, there's, there's a lot of muscle fibers in your chest and this guy's working it out, you know?

• 14:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  Any, have you gone to a masseuse like this before?

• 15:00Speaker 02

  No, no, I don't know what it is. ASMR, gay, straight, softcore, hardcore, whatever it is, it's wrong. And I don't want any part to do with it.

• 15:09Christina Pazsitzky?

  I can't believe.

• 15:10Speaker 02

  I would never.

• 15:12Christina Pazsitzky?

  Also too, which is really unique about this form of massage, is that he's sitting up. Usually you lay down.

• 15:18Tom Segura?

  Yeah, cause this is terribly uncomfortable. Yeah.

• 15:20Christina Pazsitzky?

  Is this uncomfortable as watching people get the massages in the airport? Or you just put your face in the chair?

• 15:27Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 15:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  And then everybody in the world is walking.

• 15:29Tom Segura?

  Watches you.

• 15:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  Wouldn't rather die!

• 15:31Tom Segura?

  Well, just like porn, this is for the camera. So this really isn't about the treatment. It's about educating the public on how to do this.

• 15:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's performative, as, as the people say.

• 15:41Tom Segura?

  And the guy's just really rubbing the hell out of him, you know? Standing over his back.

• 15:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's the, that's not how you give a massage.

• 15:48Tom Segura?

  No, no, no, no.

• 15:51Christina Pazsitzky?

  There's so much stuff on him. What is that stuff?

• 15:54Tom Segura?

  Yeah, that also, I don't feel like that's massage oil. I think it's something else.

• 15:57Christina Pazsitzky?

  I don't think so.

• 15:58Tom Segura?

  And then what, after this, he's like, how you feel, bro? I don't know how it ends, but it feels like it would end, well, it would probably end in another scene.

• 16:07Christina Pazsitzky?

  I would take off my wristband before I touch the wheel.

• 16:11Tom Segura?

  Well, he's got the mic there to speak to what you were saying. I think they want those sounds, you know?

• 16:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, right.

• 16:20Tom Segura?

  Yeah. Lot of, lot of grabbing.

• 16:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  I don't like the sounds. I'm okay with the visuals, but the sound, I don't think I like it.

• 16:28Tom Segura?

  I know, and a lot of people love the sounds, man.

• 16:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 16:31Tom Segura?

  The sounds is what gets people off sometimes.

• 16:33Christina Pazsitzky?

  Okay.

• 16:34Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 16:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  I don't like it.

• 16:37Tom Segura?

  I did see, you had mentioned this, you, the Gene Simmons thing is, is great. He's fascinating.

• 16:42Christina Pazsitzky?

  You, so I, yeah, I came across this on TMZ.

• 16:46Tom Segura?

  Cause TMZ, for people that don't know, in LA, a lot of times they'll go to like the popular, high-end areas and they just wait. Cause, cause stars come in and out of places.

• 16:59Christina Pazsitzky?

  Like restaurants.

• 16:59Tom Segura?

  Yeah, restaurants and stores.

• 17:01Christina Pazsitzky?

  The airports, stuff like that.

• 17:02Speaker 12

  I know right now Ben Stiller is calling out the president saying he doesn't want him to use his movie clips for war propaganda. I mean, it sounds like a lot of people are kind of, you know, criticizing Trump like Hollywood right now, you know, over this war thing. Is that fair?

• 17:16Speaker 09

  Yeah, because everybody in the world should listen to what actors and comedians say because they're so qualified. Basically shut the [__] up. Do your art and shut up. Nobody's interested in your opinions. That includes me, who I vote for, who I like. Who, who the [__] you think you are? People in America work hard for their living and they don't want to be lectured to by people who live in mansions and drive Rolls Royces.

• 17:43Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 17:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  Thank you.

• 17:44Tom Segura?

  Yeah, he's right.

• 17:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  Prez right there.

• 17:46Tom Segura?

  He's right, man.

• 17:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  Prez Gene Simmons.

• 17:47Speaker 09

  It's time for everybody in the entertainment industry to shut their pie hole and just do your art. Nobody cares what you think. I don't.

• 17:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  Okay.

• 17:57Speaker 09

  Wait, what, what will Mark Ruffalo, however the [__] he pronounces his name?

• 18:01Christina Pazsitzky?

  Mark Ruffalo, yeah, yeah.

• 18:02Speaker 09

  Well, good. Ruffalo Buffalo. Hello, what does Mark think about politics? I don't care.

• 18:09Speaker 12

  Hmm, so you think celebrities should stay out of the politic talk?

• 18:12Speaker 09

  Well, we both agree.

• 18:14Speaker 12

  Okay.

• 18:14Speaker 09

  Yeah.

• 18:15Speaker 12

  I know.

• 18:15Speaker 09

  Or, or go to Kylie Jenner and ask her what she thinks of the war so far.

• 18:23Tom Segura?

  That was great.

• 18:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  Ah, friend to the show, Gene Simmons.

• 18:26Tom Segura?

  He is fantastic.

• 18:27Christina Pazsitzky?

  As always, a king, a lord, a true lord. Well, he's Hungarian.

• 18:30Tom Segura?

  Yep.

• 18:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  He's one of my tribe.

• 18:31Tom Segura?

  He is definitely.

• 18:32Christina Pazsitzky?

  They don't give a f-.

• 18:33Tom Segura?

  Nope, definitely not.

• 18:36Christina Pazsitzky?

  But first of all, we didn't even talk about it.

• 18:38Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 18:39Christina Pazsitzky?

  Are you on your period?

• 18:42Tom Segura?

  It actually just started, yeah.

• 18:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, I've had mine for two days.

• 18:45Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 18:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  What are you doing for cramps?

• 18:48Tom Segura?

  Midol.

• 18:49Christina Pazsitzky?

  Midol?

• 18:50Tom Segura?

  Mm-hmm.

• 18:51Christina Pazsitzky?

  How much are you taking?

• 18:52Tom Segura?

  Six.

• 18:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  And what about, what else do you do?

• 18:55Tom Segura?

  I take ibuprofen and I take some Advil, too.

• 18:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, that's a lot.

• 18:58Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 18:59Christina Pazsitzky?

  Your liver is probably open.

• 19:01Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 19:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  What are you using these days?

• 19:04Tom Segura?

  For what?

• 19:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  For the flow.

• 19:06Tom Segura?

  What do you think?

• 19:07Christina Pazsitzky?

  I heard, I saw the Diva Cup in your bathroom.

• 19:10Tom Segura?

  Yeah, well, I mean, I kind of rotate, you know?

• 19:12Christina Pazsitzky?

  Between?

• 19:13Tom Segura?

  Pads and tampons.

• 19:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  What about the Diva Cup?

• 19:17Tom Segura?

  I don't use the Diva Cup.

• 19:18Christina Pazsitzky?

  But I saw you.

• 19:19Tom Segura?

  No, I was interested, but I lost interest. You use it?

• 19:24Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, it's kind of messy. It collects the blood and then you pour the blood into the toilet.

• 19:29Tom Segura?

  Ah.

• 19:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  And you rinse out the cup and then use it again, which is...

• 19:32Tom Segura?

  Fuck, man.

• 19:33Christina Pazsitzky?

  And it sounds horrific, no?

• 19:34Tom Segura?

  I know.

• 19:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  I was surprised that you were in, even interested.

• 19:37Tom Segura?

  I farted, I wanted to tell you this. I farted at the gym this morning and Sean was like, "Oh my God."

• 19:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 19:46Tom Segura?

  And I go, "What?" He goes, "Dude." He goes, "Do you need to sit on the toilet?" And I go, "I think so." And he was right.

• 19:52Christina Pazsitzky?

  He was right!

• 19:53Tom Segura?

  I did.

• 19:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, let me ask you this.

• 19:55Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 19:55Christina Pazsitzky?

  You woke up this morning, you drank, I'm assuming you drank your coffee. You didn't shit before the gym?

• 20:00Tom Segura?

  Mm-mm.

• 20:01Christina Pazsitzky?

  You take a loaded...

• 20:03Tom Segura?

  It wasn't ready. How can you, if it's not ready, it's not ready.

• 20:06Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, but I don't know how you do that.

• 20:07Tom Segura?

  But it wasn't ready. And then I ate. So I had coffee, then I ate. And then, like, I could have waited around, but I was like, "I'll just go." And when I got there, it still wasn't ready. So I started and then I was like, "It's almost ready."

• 20:20Christina Pazsitzky?

  But your shits take so long. It, I imagine it cuts into your fitness time.

• 20:24Tom Segura?

  No, it didn't take that long.

• 20:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  It takes 30 minutes for you to shit it when you're home with us and the kids. It's funny.

• 20:29Tom Segura?

  I, no.

• 20:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, you do it fast, when, when you're on your own clock.

• 20:32Tom Segura?

  No, I had to clean. I have to clean myself, yeah.

• 20:36Christina Pazsitzky?

  How did you clean at the gym?

• 20:37Tom Segura?

  What do you, how do you think?

• 20:39Christina Pazsitzky?

  You just use dirty ass, dry toilet paper?

• 20:41Tom Segura?

  No, Sean does it.

• 20:43Tom Segura?

  That's why it takes long.

• 20:48Christina Pazsitzky?

  You farted last night. You and I have exactly like 10 minutes alone when we have our children around.

• 20:55Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 20:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  And I was so happy because they were like in the bath last night and I'm like, come sit next to me. Let's catch up. I love you. I want to see you. I want to know you, girl. And then you go, I had a fart. And then you blow a fart and it stinks. It smells so bad. And I'm like, you can't. Just the 10 minutes I have with you, is there just a time when there's no farts or shit?

• 21:16Tom Segura?

  I don't know. Sometimes it's just how life goes.

• 21:20Christina Pazsitzky?

  How life goes.

• 21:21Tom Segura?

  Yeah. Sometimes you just walk into a, a, a new page, a new chapter of life and the first thing you do is fart, you know?

• 21:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  Okay.

• 21:31Tom Segura?

  It's not unique to me. I think it's everybody.

• 21:33Christina Pazsitzky?

  Whatever dude.

• 21:34Tom Segura?

  Yeah. Now, people are asking me every day if I won a medal. And I'm like, what are you talking about? And they're like, you got a medal? And then I realized that I forgot that I competed.

• 21:51Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's crazy.

• 21:52Tom Segura?

  Look at me.

• 21:53Christina Pazsitzky?

  You look great. Got that lip lick.

• 21:57Tom Segura?

  Look at this guy's shot though.

• 21:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 22:03Christina Pazsitzky?

  Canadians love this shit.

• 22:06Tom Segura?

  Bro.

• 22:07Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's a good shot.

• 22:09Tom Segura?

  Bro.

• 22:09Christina Pazsitzky?

  You did so well.

• 22:10Tom Segura?

  I did. So to those of you asked, I did win.

• 22:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  That is a silly sport though, isn't it? Is this curling?

• 22:15Tom Segura?

  I think that's curling, isn't it?

• 22:18Christina Pazsitzky?

  Shuffleboard? What? But they don't have, don't they have the guys, they go.

• 22:22Tom Segura?

  Oh yeah, that's curling. This is something else.

• 22:25Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's not that.

• 22:26Tom Segura?

  You're right. I don't know what this is.

• 22:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, anyway, whatever this is, it's just a shuffleboard.

• 22:30Tom Segura?

  Well, whoever that is that looks like me, congratulations. And that was amazing. That was an incredible shot, sir.

• 22:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  Also, you know, we didn't say this last time and I, I, I was so saddened by the death of Robert Carradine.

• 22:41Tom Segura?

  Hmm.

• 22:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  From Revenge of the Nerds. He plays the, the big nerd. What's his fucking name? Arvin? No, that was, that was from Head of the Class. Sorry, guys. Revenge of the Nerds. Um, so funny. And that movie really changed my life. I watched it maybe a million times growing up. Did you love that one as much as me? Oh, yeah. Louis, that was his character. Louis Skolnick. So funny. And you know what sucks is you can't even find this movie now because it's so politically incorrect that they, you can't find it. I have to watch it in pieces on YouTube when I want to watch it.

• 23:14Tom Segura?

  Really? You can't find this anywhere?

• 23:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  They won't, then nobody will touch it.

• 23:17Tom Segura?

  Yeah, he was seventy-one.

• 23:18Christina Pazsitzky?

  I know.

• 23:19Tom Segura?

  Damn.

• 23:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  And his, you know who his brother was? David Carradine.

• 23:24Tom Segura?

  That was David Carradine's brother?

• 23:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  Right? And then you know how David Carradine died?

• 23:29Tom Segura?

  Was it stroking?

• 23:31Christina Pazsitzky?

  Jing his D and choking himself.

• 23:33Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 23:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  And then he died from that, dude.

• 23:35Tom Segura?

  That happens. Just like a fart, sometimes things happen. Look at that photo of him. That's like.

• 23:41Christina Pazsitzky?

  I know.

• 23:42Tom Segura?

  I mean, he looks cool.

• 23:44Christina Pazsitzky?

  He was so funny. I, I love this movie so much. One time I got to meet Booger at Gelson's and I almost lost my fucking mind.

• 23:51Tom Segura?

  Did you really?

• 23:51Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, I met him at the salad bar at Gelson's in LA.

• 23:54Tom Segura?

  Did you chat him up?

• 23:55Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, I was just like, huh, Booger. Like, I can't.

• 23:58Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 23:59Christina Pazsitzky?

  I don't care about anybody except like Booger from Revenge of the Nerds.

• 24:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, I don't know who else even. Maybe Anthony Bourdain.

• 24:06Tom Segura?

  That burp, remember the burp? And then he's like.

• 24:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, God, so funny. So funny.

• 24:13Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 24:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  Anyway, he had the great laugh. Robert Carradine, uh, uh, uh. That was his little thing.

• 24:21Tom Segura?

  I can't believe that's David Carradine's brother.

• 24:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  Is that, am I right about that? I might just be lying.

• 24:26Tom Segura?

  No, you're right. Wow.

• 24:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  Wow. Yeah, and could you imagine dying from jing your D? How fucking embarrassing that is for your, your family?

• 24:34Tom Segura?

  Oh, for them, yeah. For you, it doesn't matter. You're dead.

• 24:36Christina Pazsitzky?

  No.

• 24:37Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 24:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  Please don't die that way.

• 24:38Tom Segura?

  I won't. I'll try not to.

• 24:39Christina Pazsitzky?

  Fuck.

• 24:40Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 24:41Christina Pazsitzky?

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• 25:25Christina Pazsitzky?

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• 25:51Tom Segura?

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• 26:35Tom Segura?

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• 26:52Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's a dangerous one, babe. It's so embarrassing.

• 26:55Tom Segura?

  Stroking it, man. That's awesome.

• 26:57Christina Pazsitzky?

  Everybody knows too, you were J and you're D.

• 27:00Tom Segura?

  I know.

• 27:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  The guy from NXS died that way too.

• 27:02Tom Segura?

  That's right.

• 27:03Christina Pazsitzky?

  That sexy lead singer guy choking his chicken and choking himself out too, dude.

• 27:08Tom Segura?

  And he fucking died.

• 27:09Christina Pazsitzky?

  Do you think he at least got to nut before he died?

• 27:11Tom Segura?

  That's the real question. Because if you're right there...

• 27:15Tom Segura?

  And then you die, maybe it doesn't matter, but if you could start to feel it and you're like, oh, and then die, that's a, that's a dream come true.

• 27:22Christina Pazsitzky?

  Perfect.

• 27:23Tom Segura?

  Yeah, that's perfect.

• 27:24Christina Pazsitzky?

  I think God lets you come before he kills you.

• 27:26Tom Segura?

  I don't know. I think he.

• 27:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, I think God intervenes, the angels intervene.

• 27:31Tom Segura?

  There he is. Well, this is a perfect transition. This is literally what I was going towards. So David Carradine died in 09 at 72 in a Bangkok, Thailand hotel room. Determined he died accidental auto erotic asphyxiation. He was found naked with cords tied around his neck and genitals.

• 27:48Christina Pazsitzky?

  And genitals.

• 27:49Tom Segura?

  Yeah, and he was 72.

• 27:51Christina Pazsitzky?

  Wow, 72 still going.

• 27:53Tom Segura?

  Oh, he was in, he was in Thailand to film the movie Stretch, which is a pretty interesting name for, for a movie. The literal thing I had picked up here was Thailand, because this is a great story out of Thailand. Thailand, a lot of cool things happen. They have, also they have great food, they have great beaches, but cool things can happen there. And one of the things that people go there for is surgeries. And this guy was arrested for performing penis enlargements in his car.

• 28:33Tom Segura?

  He admitted having no medical license and said he learned the techniques from online videos, which again, ChatGPT is awesome, YouTube is amazing, they're great resources. It's crazy that you could learn that and then be like, do you want me to make your dick bigger? And you're like, yeah.

• 28:48Christina Pazsitzky?

  But what's crazier is that someone goes, yeah.

• 28:50Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 28:51Christina Pazsitzky?

  Meet me in the car.

• 28:52Tom Segura?

  Yeah, meet me in, there's a Toyota Corolla parked around the backside.

• 28:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  I know, it's not even the back of like a Rolls Royce.

• 29:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  This is shit, normal car.

• 29:03Tom Segura?

  This is my stuff.

• 29:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's so unsanitary.

• 29:06Tom Segura?

  The suspect promoted his services on TikTok, offering treatments such as penis enlargement, circumcision and pearl implants.

• 29:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  Cool.

• 29:20Tom Segura?

  He was charged with practicing medicine without registration, an offense punishable by up to three years in jail.

• 29:25Christina Pazsitzky?

  Just three years.

• 29:26Tom Segura?

  Or $1,100 fine.

• 29:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  $1,100 for mutilating men's penises? That's it?

• 29:36Tom Segura?

  Yeah, imagine like your father, when you're like, eh, this doesn't look right. He's like, well, I fucking learned it online, dude. I'm not a doctor. And you're like, oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, I gave you 40 bucks.

• 29:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  Don't you think that three years and $1,100 is not significant enough of a punishment for impersonating a doctor?

• 29:53Tom Segura?

  I think it's insane.

• 29:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  And surgorizing people?

• 29:56Tom Segura?

  It's insane. This guy is a fucking lunatic, dude.

• 29:59Christina Pazsitzky?

  But imagine how, oh, God, that'd be so sad.

• 30:04Tom Segura?

  That'd be so crazy to do.

• 30:06Christina Pazsitzky?

  I want to see his work, though. Like, can we see if any of it was good?

• 30:10Tom Segura?

  I doubt it. They seized 189 purling beads in round cubic bean heart capsule and Chinese bun shapes from his car. He also had medical equipment, anesthetics, and surgical instruments in his car. Purling is the insertion of small beads under the skin of the penis to create ridges that boost friction during sex.

• 30:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  Cool.

• 30:29Tom Segura?

  Doctors were warned it can lead to long-term complications, including scar tissue, chronic pain, penal dysfunction, in addition to possible infection, which you might get in the backseat of a car, because it's not a sterile environment. Holy fuck, man.

• 30:42Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, look, that's all his wares. Those are all his gems.

• 30:46Tom Segura?

  He charged 10 grand for penal, 10 grand bot, though, for penal enlargement, which I'm not sure.

• 30:51Christina Pazsitzky?

  What is that?

• 30:51Tom Segura?

  Yeah, what is bot to US dollars? Jesus Christ. Oh, my God.

• 30:59Christina Pazsitzky?

  Not America, I'll tell you that.

• 31:01Tom Segura?

  300 bucks. Make my dick bigger. Here's 300 dollars.

• 31:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  But how does he make it bigger? The beads don't make it bigger.

• 31:08Tom Segura?

  No, that's a different thing.

• 31:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's a different procedure.

• 31:09Tom Segura?

  Yeah, he's not going to give away all his secrets in this fucking video.

• 31:12Christina Pazsitzky?

  Does he give you a menu?

• 31:14Tom Segura?

  What do you want me to do?

• 31:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  Which one you like?

• 31:18Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's a bad topic.

• 31:20Tom Segura?

  Look at that. That's on the backseat of a car. Give me your dick.

• 31:26Tom Segura?

  God.

• 31:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  Men are desperate, though.

• 31:27Tom Segura?

  That's what I was gonna say. How desperate are you?

• 31:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  Shit, dude. You wouldn't even eat, remember Grey Poupon, they used to eat that shit in the back of a Rolls Royce?

• 31:36Tom Segura?

  Yeah, this guy.

• 31:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  You wouldn't even...

• 31:38Tom Segura?

  He's like, what? I put some plastic down, it's fucking fine.

• 31:42Christina Pazsitzky?

  He's got the...

• 31:44Tom Segura?

  I washed my hands this morning after I shit.

• 31:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  Look, he's barefoot, too.

• 31:47Tom Segura?

  Yeah, of course.

• 32:07Christina Pazsitzky?

  Have you seen that meme? This girl, and she's like, "Call me crazy, but I don't like store-bought pesto." And then everybody goes, "Susie, that is crazy." "Also, one time, my brother smoked a lot of crack." And he tells stories.

• 32:21Tom Segura?

  A real crazy story, yeah.

• 32:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  That is crazy, Susie.

• 32:24Tom Segura?

  Yep.

• 32:24Christina Pazsitzky?

  Don't you yearn to be that innocent?

• 32:27Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 32:27Christina Pazsitzky?

  They're like, "I love the crack." I just, I'd give anything to be that naive.

• 32:33Tom Segura?

  How much would it?

• 32:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  That happy.

• 32:34Tom Segura?

  How much would it cost to get you to spend one night?

• 32:40Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 32:41Tom Segura?

  Here?

• 32:44Tom Segura?

  In the pigeon house?

• 32:48Christina Pazsitzky?

  This is my uncle's house. This is shield fuck.

• 32:52Tom Segura?

  How much would it take? It's just covered in pigeon shit and feathers.

• 32:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah. This is definitely Eastern Bloc, yeah?

• 33:01Tom Segura?

  Yeah, feels like it.

• 33:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  Of course. This is Ukraine somewhere.

• 33:04Tom Segura?

  It's Russia.

• 33:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  Russia!

• 33:11Tom Segura?

  Can you imagine? You're away for three years. You're like, "I'm finally going home." This is what you walk into.

• 33:21Tom Segura?

  It's just...

• 33:22Christina Pazsitzky?

  A Russian man returned to his apartment after three years and found it packed with pigeons. That's why you don't want to leave a window open.

• 33:28Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 33:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, damn.

• 33:30Tom Segura?

  Fuck. What would it take, though?

• 33:32Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, I'd live there.

• 33:34Tom Segura?

  For a night?

• 33:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  Not a big deal.

• 33:36Tom Segura?

  Not a big deal?

• 33:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  This is not a problem. I love pigeons. Can I tell you what I'm doing in our house, by the way?

• 33:41Tom Segura?

  Oh, fuck.

• 33:42Christina Pazsitzky?

  Not only am I feeding squirrels.

• 33:44Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 33:44Christina Pazsitzky?

  I put a bird feeder now. I put the bird seat out in front of our window in our bedroom.

• 33:49Tom Segura?

  I think your opinion would change if that window was open.

• 33:52Christina Pazsitzky?

  I'm gonna leave it open and see what happens.

• 33:54Tom Segura?

  Just see what happens in the house?

• 33:55Christina Pazsitzky?

  I also want to befriend raccoons. I hear that they're wanting to be domesticated.

• 33:59Tom Segura?

  Well, they're in the yard, you know that, right?

• 34:01Christina Pazsitzky?

  I know, I'm working on it. What do you think leaves the trash open for them every night?

• 34:04Tom Segura?

  Leaves it open for them?

• 34:06Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, unlock it. You guys put the stupid lock on there? Open that right back up. Come to me, friends.

• 34:12Tom Segura?

  Yep, that's cool.

• 34:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  This is lovely segue from Russia to my people. Can play this, this girl.

• 34:19Speaker 13

  Chernobyl or Hungarian hospital? I see that this building is in a quite bad condition and to be fair, it looks completely abandoned. So I'm quite certain that this is Chernobyl. This is a Hungarian hospital. Wow, this building looks like it went through a lot. I don't think that this is in Hungary. Even for Hungary, this would be way too bad. So I'm gonna go with Chernobyl. I get tricked, but this is a Hungarian hospital too. I would say that this looks bad, but it's pretty standard for toilets in Hungarian hospitals to look like this or be in similar conditions. So I'm gonna go with Hungarian hospital on this one.

• 35:02Speaker 13

  And this is indeed a Hungarian hospital. This building doesn't even have walls, so it must be Chernobyl. If you get Chernobyl here like I did, then you were wrong. This is a Hungarian hospital.

• 35:14Tom Segura?

  Jesus Christ.

• 35:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  This is why you don't wanna go to a Hungarian hospital.

• 35:18Tom Segura?

  That's terrifying.

• 35:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  Do you know that in the summer of 1994, I ate too many Mentos when I was staying in Hungary? And I gave myself a cavity and it got worse, worser and worser and worser. Rather than go to a Hungarian dentist, I just waited until it it needed to be root canaled when I got home. I was like, I'm not fucking even going to the dentist there. You don't wanna end up in a Hungarian hospital and anything medical.

• 35:42Tom Segura?

  Like I was in Budapest and like it looks really nice in a lot of parts. It's all like that.

• 35:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, that's because you're probably staying in Budapest, like the central touristy part. But then you just go a little bit outside.

• 35:55Tom Segura?

  There's gotta be nice hospitals.

• 35:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  I don't know. I've never, I've never seen one. They don't really have air, like my grandma, when Nana died, it was in summer and they didn't have air conditioning in the hospital and this was in 2003 or so. No AC and we had to bribe the nurses to just like, hey, look after her. It was really bad. I don't know. That's been a while since.

• 36:18Tom Segura?

  That's really crazy, bro.

• 36:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  Chernobyl or Hungarian hospital. Amazing.

• 36:42Christina Pazsitzky?

  This is why we're married. Just when I think I hate you for playing that opening clip,

• 36:48Christina Pazsitzky?

  then you redeem yourself.

• 36:53Christina Pazsitzky?

  Why do we love this so much?

• 37:00Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 37:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  Why do I like this so much?

• 37:03Tom Segura?

  I don't know.

• 37:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  God, this is amazing, babe.

• 37:08Tom Segura?

  By the way, by the way,

• 37:14Tom Segura?

  for people that are unaware, don't forget that next month, April,

• 37:20Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 37:21Tom Segura?

  You know, it's tax, tax month.

• 37:22Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 37:23Tom Segura?

  The tax day's coming up. I thought because of that, if you're not yet thinking about it, there's some things you really have to pay attention to if you're not that savvy. And to help you out, I pulled some stuff from a tax consultant just to get you up to speed and ready to file.

• 37:41Speaker 14

  Move her around from behind so that the pussy grips your dick. And that's the way it feels good. You gotta do that, man. And that's, that's a Brooklyn rapper. That is a Brooklyn motherfucking rapper.

• 37:54Tom Segura?

  April 15th is tax day. So don't forget, don't forget, you know? It's important. Otherwise, otherwise, you know, you don't get an extension. Now you're in penalties. You want the IRS coming after you? I don't think so.

• 38:08Speaker 14

  Cause I like hitting it from behind so you can get the pussy to grab you better when you're going from behind. You know what I mean?

• 38:14Tom Segura?

  Yes.

• 38:14Speaker 14

  So I like to do that from behind. It doesn't matter if she gotta, she gotta have a flat stomach.

• 38:18Tom Segura?

  Right.

• 38:19Speaker 14

  But it's even, she could be big boned or whatever. No, race doesn't matter. I don't care about race. You just gotta look good. Respect me and that's it.

• 38:25Tom Segura?

  And then respect me and then you get it from behind. That's, there it is. Fideli and Associates. Proven integrity, unmatched value, uncompromising results. That's our guy.

• 38:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  I hate you so much.

• 38:39Tom Segura?

  Go to that first page.

• 38:40Christina Pazsitzky?

  I hate you.

• 38:40Tom Segura?

  There, that, that image right there.

• 38:42Christina Pazsitzky?

  He looks so good there. No, he looks great. No, that's a hot, that's a hot photo. I, I will, I think he's very attractive.

• 38:48Tom Segura?

  He's a good looking man.

• 38:49Christina Pazsitzky?

  I think he takes really good care of himself.

• 38:50Tom Segura?

  He does take good care of himself.

• 38:50Christina Pazsitzky?

  I think that, look, he, he deserves all the P U S S Y that he's getting. I don't think that, he like, he takes good care of himself.

• 38:58Tom Segura?

  Fuck yeah.

• 38:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  He runs marathons and stuff, right? Doesn't he run?

• 39:00Tom Segura?

  Look at that hair.

• 39:01Christina Pazsitzky?

  He lifts, his hair is fucking amazing.

• 39:03Tom Segura?

  It's incredible, yeah.

• 39:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  He's a, he's got a nice website.

• 39:06Tom Segura?

  Well, if you want results, you know who to go to.

• 39:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  I would date this man.

• 39:11Tom Segura?

  Oh, you should.

• 39:11Speaker 14

  Dude, I just want you to know, women don't go to the bathroom to go to the bathroom. They go to the bathroom to scheme, to strategize.

• 39:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's true.

• 39:19Speaker 14

  To figure out how they're going to do their next kill.

• 39:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 39:23Speaker 14

  Okay? That's what they do. And they talk to each other about it. And then they come back out and they look like they washed their hands, but...

• 39:31Tom Segura?

  Or they did, it was, yeah.

• 39:33Christina Pazsitzky?

  This fucking shit.

• 39:35Tom Segura?

  But you gotta get the pussy to grip you.

• 39:36Christina Pazsitzky?

  Ah, stop with this shit.

• 39:38Tom Segura?

  Also, if you have 1099s, remember that's different than W2s. So, gotta think, are you an independent contractor? Are you an employee? Just things to think about.

• 39:48Tom Segura?

  Why don't we take a quick break?

• 39:49Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 39:51Tom Segura?

  We'll be right back.

• 39:52Christina Pazsitzky?

  It was having fun. Oh my God, which is the, my camera, hi. I never introduce people, but Tom's lighting me today because I love these two gents so much. All the way from England, from London. Put your hands together for Francis Foster and Konstantin Kisin. Did I say it right?

• 40:07Speaker 15

  Or smashed it.

• 40:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  From Triggernometry Podcast. Clap for yourself.

• 40:10Speaker 15

  And we clap here?

• 40:11Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, clap for yourself.

• 40:12Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 40:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  You guys are so self-effacing. Anyway, I did your podcast, Triggernometry, and it went hugely viral. And I wanted to have you guys on the show because I think what you do is so important, which is just talk openly about what's happening in the world. And I don't know, Europeans have a tighter asshole than we do about things, yeah?

• 40:30Speaker 15

  Yeah.

• 40:31Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 40:33Speaker 15

  I just demonstrated. Yeah.

• 40:36Tom Segura?

  I mean, Brits traditionally, upper class is like, you know, don't say much.

• 40:41Speaker 16

  Oh, no, no, no, they don't say much. And then you have the working classes, but they say a lot, particularly after a few drinks.

• 40:47Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 40:47Speaker 16

  So you will meet an upper class Brit and you'll think to yourself like, how did you conquer the empire?

• 40:53Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 40:53Speaker 16

  Like you chinless, no backbone to you whatsoever. And then you meet the working classes?

• 41:01Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 41:01Speaker 16

  And they're fucking terrified.

• 41:02Speaker 15

  Yeah, and that's what you guys are. Yeah, yes. That's what America is, right?

• 41:06Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 41:07Speaker 15

  It's all the crazy, go after it, take a risk people. Cowboys.

• 41:11Tom Segura?

  True, it's cowboys.

• 41:12Speaker 15

  And religious, you know.

• 41:14Speaker 16

  Yeah.

• 41:14Tom Segura?

  Lunatics, yeah.

• 41:15Speaker 15

  A little bit.

• 41:16Speaker 16

  And you like fighting.

• 41:17Speaker 15

  Yeah.

• 41:18Tom Segura?

  Americans love fighting.

• 41:19Speaker 15

  Yeah.

• 41:19Speaker 16

  Yeah.

• 41:19Speaker 15

  But you guys like stabbing.

• 41:21Speaker 16

  Yes, that's what we do. That's part of our culture. Don't, don't you dare shit on my culture.

• 41:25Tom Segura?

  No, yeah, no, and we won't, we won't take your culture, but yeah, stabbing is like, I respect it so much. Like whenever I hear about a stabbing in London, I'm like, kudos, because like you really, you have to have rage, you have to get in close.

• 41:39Speaker 16

  Yeah.

• 41:39Tom Segura?

  You can't do it from a distance. You gotta get right up on somebody. It takes heart, it takes bravery.

• 41:44Speaker 16

  And that's why you Americans don't enjoy it, because it's physical exercise.

• 41:47Tom Segura?

  It's right, that's why we are so fat.

• 41:49Speaker 15

  You're like lazy, I wanna sit here and just go.

• 41:52Speaker 16

  Yeah.

• 41:52Tom Segura?

  It's so much easier. You can sit in a lazy boy and, and just pick people off.

• 41:57Speaker 15

  Yeah.

• 41:58Speaker 16

  You know, like the drive by, the laziest form of execution ever.

• 42:01Tom Segura?

  Dude, I never thought about that. It is so lazy.

• 42:03Speaker 16

  Yeah, you literally recline.

• 42:05Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 42:06Speaker 16

  And then you shoot.

• 42:07Tom Segura?

  And then you're like, hey, slow down.

• 42:08Speaker 16

  Yeah.

• 42:09Tom Segura?

  And then roll the window down, which is a button.

• 42:11Speaker 16

  Yeah.

• 42:12Tom Segura?

  Boom, boom, and then you're like, hit the gas, yeah.

• 42:14Speaker 16

  And then you drive off. How, how many calories do you expend in one of those bad boys?

• 42:18Tom Segura?

  I mean, also, you're probably making a fast food stop, because you're in the car. So you hit the drive through before or after.

• 42:24Speaker 15

  That's brilliant.

• 42:25Tom Segura?

  It's a really good move.

• 42:26Speaker 15

  Chick-fil-A.

• 42:27Speaker 16

  Yeah.

• 42:28Tom Segura?

  It's a fat fucking move. It's very American.

• 42:30Speaker 15

  Mm-hmm.

• 42:30Speaker 16

  It is.

• 42:30Speaker 15

  Good setup you got here.

• 42:32Tom Segura?

  And you guys don't have that problem.

• 42:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, you guys-

• 42:34Speaker 15

  Well, it's kinda hard to do a drive-by stabbing.

• 42:37Tom Segura?

  I know.

• 42:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  But you're not as fat as we are either in London.

• 42:41Speaker 15

  Not quite.

• 42:41Christina Pazsitzky?

  You guys are both living, just so people know, you're, you're living in London. Konstantin, you're from Russia originally. Shout out.

• 42:47Speaker 15

  Hello, my friend.

• 42:48Christina Pazsitzky?

  But you moved to where, Scotland when you were 12?

• 42:51Speaker 15

  No, no, I, I, my parents sent me to school in England and then I went to university in Scotland.

• 42:55Christina Pazsitzky?

  University.

• 42:56Speaker 15

  College.

• 42:57Christina Pazsitzky?

  College.

• 42:57Tom Segura?

  College.

• 42:58Speaker 15

  I went to college.

• 42:59Christina Pazsitzky?

  And then Francis?

• 43:00Speaker 16

  Uh, my mother's from Venezuela.

• 43:02Tom Segura?

  Yeah, that's right. You've got an Latin mother too.

• 43:04Speaker 16

  I know, I know. We share the damage.

• 43:06Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 43:06Speaker 16

  You know?

• 43:07Tom Segura?

  They're fucking nuts.

• 43:08Speaker 16

  Oh my god. Like, I remember like my, you know, did you ever have this where you saw your mates talking to their English or American moms and they'd give them attitude and I'd be like, oh my god?

• 43:19Tom Segura?

  Well, we shit on my mom pretty hard, but um, most of the time my friends were like, what, is your maid taking care of stuff right now? I was like, I was like, oh, that's my mom. And they're like, what? Um, no, I mean, my mom was also super Catholic, is, and um, so my, my stuff was usually like, hey, this drive in the car is longer than 10 minutes, we're praying the rosary. So, we're like, oh, fuck. But yeah, no, so your mom, there was no backtalk to your mom?

• 43:48Speaker 16

  Oh my god, no. Like, my mom is like, my mom is a mi, I love her, but she's a mix of people that you don't want to put together, like half Arabic, quarter Sicilian, quarter Turkish Cypriot.

• 43:58Tom Segura?

  Really?

• 43:59Speaker 15

  Very mentally stable.

• 44:00Speaker 16

  Yeah, very, like, you know, yeah, she's literally in the corner of a room like nitroglycerin about to like fucking bubble.

• 44:06Tom Segura?

  She's got a fuse on her.

• 44:07Speaker 16

  Oh mate, she, no, she doesn't have a fuse, it's like, light, bang.

• 44:09Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 44:10Speaker 16

  Yeah. You know?

• 44:11Tom Segura?

  Yeah, my mom's, my mom pops off pretty crazy.

• 44:14Speaker 15

  Well, I, you know what, I used to think Francis is the least Latino-looking man who has Latino genetics in the world, but I think you take, you, you're at the top of that.

• 44:22Tom Segura?

  Maybe.

• 44:22Speaker 15

  You're a level above.

• 44:24Tom Segura?

  I know, I'm a halfie, I'm a full halfie, man.

• 44:26Speaker 15

  Right.

• 44:27Tom Segura?

  And she looks very Latin. My mom looks very Latin, yeah.

• 44:31Christina Pazsitzky?

  You guys are both very pinky, you know, nice pinky.

• 44:34Tom Segura?

  Well, I got, you probably same thing happened to you, which is, I have two siblings. They have more like olive complexion, so they got those genet, I got my dad's skin and like, so I-

• 44:44Speaker 16

  Here's the thing, is your dad, uh, does your dad have Irish genetics?

• 44:48Tom Segura?

  Yes.

• 44:49Speaker 16

  That shit bleaches everything.

• 44:50Tom Segura?

  Yeah, yes.

• 44:51Speaker 16

  It bleaches everything. You're gonna come out full paddy if you've got Irish.

• 44:54Tom Segura?

  Yeah, I do, yeah. That's totally what it is. That's Charo, yeah.

• 44:59Christina Pazsitzky?

  She looks nice, but.

• 45:01Tom Segura?

  I mean, she's old as fuck now, but like she looks different, obviously. Growing up, different. Yeah, yeah, she's um, she's constantly.

• 45:11Christina Pazsitzky?

  You know what I've realized, though?

• 45:12Tom Segura?

  Did your mom hit you up for cash a lot?

• 45:14Speaker 16

  Yeah, all the time.

• 45:15Tom Segura?

  Okay.

• 45:17Tom Segura?

  Now you guys know, it's a, it's how it works.

• 45:19Speaker 15

  But is that a Latin thing or is just a mom thing?

• 45:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's Latin.

• 45:21Tom Segura?

  I think it's, I think it might be a mom thing, but it's, I think it's driven up more in Latin America. It's like, especially if you're the boy, they're like, what's up? Like, take care of, I need a phone. I'm like, you need a phone? She's like, yeah, I need a new iPhone. I'm like, go get one. She's like, no, you get it. I'm like, why?

• 45:37Speaker 16

  Because I gave birth to you.

• 45:38Tom Segura?

  Yeah, yeah, always. I'm, you're here because of me. I'm like, so what? I got you a car. You can't buy a phone? Like, that's most of our conversations.

• 45:47Speaker 16

  Oh, absolutely. I remember once I took my mom for lunch. She goes, you're doing well? I'm like, yes. She goes, okay, lobster ravioli.

• 45:56Tom Segura?

  Is your mom from Caracas?

• 45:58Speaker 16

  Yeah, yeah, she's from Caracas. Yeah.

• 46:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  You speak Spanish too, right?

• 46:01Speaker 16

  Yo hablo español.

• 46:03Christina Pazsitzky?

  You do like a Spaniard, dude.

• 46:08Speaker 15

  It's very helpful for navigating Ubers in Austin.

• 46:12Tom Segura?

  So many situations that you don't realize when you're young, as you get older, like, you know, you're just, you're just in these situations where somebody manning whatever, the door, the place that you want to get into is a Latin guy, like, and you just start speaking Spanish. At least here in the States, and you just are given access because of that, being able to speak to them.

• 46:33Speaker 15

  Well, I was in El Paso a couple of years back, and I didn't meet a single person for like, two days who, who didn't speak Spanish as the, the first language.

• 46:41Tom Segura?

  El Paso is, is another level, though.

• 46:43Speaker 15

  Right.

• 46:43Tom Segura?

  That's a proper border town.

• 46:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  But you guys have, uh, the Polacks are your Latins, is that right? Like, I remember being in restaurants and being like, whoa, like, your waitstaff is like a Polish, like a pretty Polish girl.

• 46:57Speaker 15

  That would have probably been before Brexit.

• 46:59Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yes.

• 46:59Speaker 15

  To more than 10 years ago.

• 47:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yes.

• 47:01Speaker 15

  Right, yeah.

• 47:02Tom Segura?

  What is your guys' opinion on Brexit?

• 47:04Speaker 15

  Well, it hasn't really done anything. Like, everyone thinks, like, the people who thought it was gonna be bad miraculously haven't changed their mind. And the people who thought it was gonna be great, they're not happy that it like, uh, it hasn't happened the way they wanted. But I don't think it's actually done as much as people think. Do you see what I'm saying?

• 47:21Tom Segura?

  Yeah, I mean, like-

• 47:22Speaker 15

  It was quite inconsequential, actually.

• 47:24Tom Segura?

  The most annoying thing probably is like travel stuff, right? Like, doesn't traveling become...

• 47:31Speaker 15

  We have to wait in line for a tiny bit longer, like-

• 47:33Tom Segura?

  Yeah, that's what I'm saying, it's like an inconvenience, yeah.

• 47:35Speaker 15

  It hasn't been a big deal. After all that fighting for like 10 years.

• 47:39Tom Segura?

  Now it's like, okay.

• 47:41Speaker 15

  It's still, it was, it didn't seem to have been over a lot, you know?

• 47:44Speaker 16

  The wildest thing about Brexit is that people's ended their marriages about Brexit.

• 47:49Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, yeah.

• 47:50Speaker 16

  Cause someone voted Brexit. Can you imagine being a dude now, waiting up in a bedsit, like, you barely see your kids, you've lost your house, you've lost pretty much-

• 48:00Tom Segura?

  This is over Brexit.

• 48:01Speaker 16

  Yeah, yeah, like, and 10 years on, and like, nobody gives a fuck anymore.

• 48:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  Nobody cares. But they should care about Prince Andrew. What the fuck is happening? Epstein files. We know Burt Kreischer's in the files. Yes, true story, Burt Kreischer's in the Epstein files.

• 48:17Tom Segura?

  Yeah, that's true.

• 48:18Speaker 16

  What, what did he do?

• 48:20Tom Segura?

  He hasn't said yet, but he's in them. If you, if you, if you search the Justice Department.

• 48:24Speaker 15

  In them how? What does it say?

• 48:26Tom Segura?

  Eh-

• 48:27Christina Pazsitzky?

  Don't ask questions.

• 48:28Tom Segura?

  It's just, there's results.

• 48:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  Results.

• 48:31Tom Segura?

  I guess, I don't know, friend, he's a friend of a friend, I guess. I don't know.

• 48:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  But it does sound like you guys are going after the creeps in the Epstein files. Like, didn't your prime minister get... Oh wait, are you, you're allowed to talk about this stuff, right?

• 48:43Tom Segura?

  No, they're gonna get arrested.

• 48:44Christina Pazsitzky?

  You guys were, no, cause when I was on their podcast, they were nervous because there's certain things you can't say in Europe, right?

• 48:50Speaker 15

  Yeah, I mean, we were mostly joking, and also, also in fairness- No, we have, what we have is very stringent libel laws. So like, if you talk shit about somebody and it's not true, you can get sued for that.

• 49:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  Okay, okay.

• 49:03Speaker 15

  And that's basically all you, all you guys do, right?

• 49:05Speaker 16

  Yeah.

• 49:05Speaker 15

  Yeah.

• 49:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's what podcasting is.

• 49:06Speaker 15

  Yeah, yeah, so we're gonna have that clenched butthole that you talked about right at the start, as, as we do this.

• 49:11Christina Pazsitzky?

  Allegedly.

• 49:12Speaker 15

  Yeah, if you put allegedly, then you're fine.

• 49:14Tom Segura?

  You're fine.

• 49:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  Prince Andrew allegedly in the Epstein.

• 49:18Tom Segura?

  No, he is in the Epstein.

• 49:19Speaker 15

  Yeah, he's allegedly-

• 49:20Speaker 16

  He is the Epstein file.

• 49:22Christina Pazsitzky?

  Allegedly taking photos.

• 49:23Tom Segura?

  That was like his homie.

• 49:24Speaker 16

  Yeah.

• 49:25Christina Pazsitzky?

  I know.

• 49:26Speaker 16

  The guy didn't have a job, he had to do something.

• 49:28Tom Segura?

  Yeah, what's he gonna do?

• 49:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, exactly.

• 49:30Tom Segura?

  Also, if you're, if you have access to everything- And you get bored. You're like, well, what's some like new cool shit I can go to?

• 49:37Speaker 16

  Absolutely.

• 49:38Tom Segura?

  How about this island? There you go.

• 49:41Christina Pazsitzky?

  And he's such a good looking fella, this Prince Andrew.

• 49:44Tom Segura?

  There he is, talking about economics.

• 49:49Speaker 16

  But you know what's interesting about like Andrew, and someone wrote this article on it, is that he's never been charged with it. Well, he's been charged with stuff now, but like, he's never been convicted. He's never, the allegations, they look serious.

• 50:02Tom Segura?

  Those girls are old, by the way. I don't know.

• 50:04Speaker 16

  I know, it's old for him. God. I mean.

• 50:07Tom Segura?

  So I'm sorry, but you said he's never been?

• 50:09Speaker 16

  Convicted.

• 50:10Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 50:11Speaker 16

  So he's never been convicted of anything.

• 50:13Speaker 15

  Why are we defending Prince Andrew?

• 50:14Speaker 16

  Yeah, this is what I'm here for.

• 50:15Speaker 15

  Is that what's going on here?

• 50:16Speaker 16

  Listen, we are a heterodox podcast. We put the alternative point of view.

• 50:20Speaker 15

  That's right.

• 50:20Speaker 16

  Okay, but the reason everybody hates him is that anybody who's ever encountered him knows he's a massive

• 50:27Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 50:27Speaker 16

  So they're like, you know what? Fuck him.

• 50:29Tom Segura?

  Fuck him.

• 50:29Speaker 16

  Fuck him.

• 50:30Speaker 15

  But do you not also think it's because everyone kind of knows that he's allegedly not innocent?

• 50:35Speaker 16

  Yeah. Do you know what?

• 50:36Speaker 15

  I think that's probably the bigger part of this.

• 50:38Tom Segura?

  But it doesn't help when you're

• 50:40Speaker 15

  No, it doesn't.

• 50:41Tom Segura?

  That's always a thing in life. It's like when somebody is kind of a and then something bad happens, everyone's like, fuck him. You know, but if you have this great way about you and people like you, it does help.

• 50:53Speaker 16

  It's like Michael Jackson.

• 50:54Tom Segura?

  Great guy.

• 50:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh my god.

• 50:55Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 50:55Christina Pazsitzky?

  People are still defending him.

• 50:56Tom Segura?

  Could sing, did some dancing, great guy.

• 51:00Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 51:01Speaker 15

  That's what Prince Andrew needed to do, just to do some good singing, good dancing.

• 51:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  Make a hit, fucker.

• 51:06Speaker 15

  Yeah, exactly. Do whatever you want after that.

• 51:08Speaker 16

  Yeah, exactly. If he wrote Billie Jean, we wouldn't be having this conversation.

• 51:11Tom Segura?

  A thousand percent.

• 51:12Christina Pazsitzky?

  But he was mommy's favorite.

• 51:14Tom Segura?

  That is a fun list, by the way. When you go through the list of like celebrities who have done something terrible and you go, but like, how good are they at their talent?

• 51:24Speaker 15

  Right.

• 51:25Speaker 16

  Yeah.

• 51:25Tom Segura?

  And then you're like

• 51:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  So true.

• 51:26Tom Segura?

  Like when people shit on Kevin Spacey, like he's, I'm like, yeah, but I mean, I would love to see him starring in things again. The guy's phenomenal.

• 51:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  Isn't he gonna play Epstein?

• 51:36Speaker 16

  Yeah.

• 51:36Tom Segura?

  Great.

• 51:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  I swear, I think there is something that he was being cast to play Epstein. Perfect.

• 51:41Speaker 15

  That is genius casting, but for his brand management.

• 51:45Speaker 15

  That would not be the move I'd make.

• 51:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  Hollywood does not give a fuck. He'll be back and working in no time.

• 51:49Tom Segura?

  But I'm saying it's like-

• 51:50Speaker 15

  He was found not guilty, sorry. He was found not guilty as well, right?

• 51:54Tom Segura?

  Yeah, he had like, he has like a big civil thing, right? He had to pay a lot of money to somebody.

• 51:58Speaker 15

  Right.

• 51:59Tom Segura?

  I think that's what happened to him. He is back working again, but he's obviously been knocked down a few pegs, but I'm like, talented man. R. Kelly's in prison. I would love for them to get a keyboard in there because that guy is fucking unbelievable.

• 52:13Speaker 15

  It's the best of both worlds.

• 52:14Tom Segura?

  It's fucking unbelievable. Exactly, yes.

• 52:17Speaker 15

  He gets to pay for his crimes and we still get the music. Everybody's happy.

• 52:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  Imagine how heartfelt that shit's gonna be.

• 52:24Tom Segura?

  Oh.

• 52:24Speaker 16

  Oh, yes.

• 52:25Tom Segura?

  You're gonna hear some, some, he's gonna reach down and say, no, he's never hit before.

• 52:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  And I'm sitting in my cell, because you know how he just does like extreme of consciousness?

• 52:34Tom Segura?

  Yeah, that's when he got lazier. That's when he got lazier. Yeah.

• 52:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  And I'm walking to the thing.

• 52:39Tom Segura?

  Talk singing.

• 52:40Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah. Girl, get your passport. We're going to town.

• 52:43Tom Segura?

  You better not be with that man. And you're like, what is this? But he's fucking talented, dude. That guy is, he's a savant.

• 52:50Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, he's totally savant. I always think savant means retarded.

• 52:53Tom Segura?

  Who else is a piece of shit that's talented?

• 52:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  Like Woody Allen, even though I shit on him on last episode. He, I, look, I think, I think his movies get repetitive and annoying, but was he talented?

• 53:05Speaker 15

  Chris Brown seems to be in the lineup here.

• 53:08Tom Segura?

  Yeah, I mean, everyone's still obviously mad about him just putting his fucking fists on Rihanna, but again, you know, a guy can really fucking move.

• 53:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  She's so pretty.

• 53:17Speaker 16

  But here's, my favorite Chris Brown story is he went on stage in Ireland, in Dublin, right? And he goes, ah, this is such an honor for me to be playing England.

• 53:28Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 53:29Speaker 16

  I was like, no.

• 53:30Tom Segura?

  A lot of people don't know, man, a lot. You could play that clip for a lot of people here and they'd be like, okay.

• 53:37Tom Segura?

  And?

• 53:38Speaker 16

  The Irish one happy about it.

• 53:39Tom Segura?

  No, no shit. No shit. Yeah.

• 53:41Speaker 15

  They tend to get quite feisty when they're not happy. I don't know if you know this.

• 53:44Tom Segura?

  They get real feisty. Polanski, I've always thought was the biggest fucking turd of a person.

• 53:50Christina Pazsitzky?

  He's a piece of shit.

• 53:50Tom Segura?

  Great director. Great director.

• 53:52Christina Pazsitzky?

  Made some good movies.

• 53:53Tom Segura?

  Dude.

• 53:53Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, what about Bill Cosby? That was the saddest one that we lost. Yeah.

• 53:58Speaker 15

  Dude, you know what? This is a much better podcast than ours. They just sit and talk about it. He was a piece of shit. We should do that. Yes, it's a much better.

• 54:06Christina Pazsitzky?

  You guys do. You do.

• 54:09Tom Segura?

  Cosby, alleged piece of shit.

• 54:11Speaker 16

  Yeah.

• 54:11Christina Pazsitzky?

  Allegedly.

• 54:12Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 54:12Speaker 16

  Apparently one of the all time greatest stand ups ever.

• 54:15Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 54:16Speaker 16

  Like just like undeniably.

• 54:17Speaker 15

  Really?

• 54:18Speaker 16

  Yeah.

• 54:18Christina Pazsitzky?

  I would argue like Eddie Murphy.

• 54:20Tom Segura?

  Without question.

• 54:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  Eddie Murphy, Pryor, Cosby, Carlin.

• 54:24Speaker 16

  Because Pryor, as you know, he copied Cosby when he started out.

• 54:29Tom Segura?

  Oh, everybody did. Cosby, Cosby is absolutely, whoa, stop scrolling.

• 54:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, stop, stop scrolling.

• 54:35Tom Segura?

  Um, Cosby is the original, like, that guy could, can talk about what he did in the morning. Getting ready and having breakfast and have an hour special that you would be like, that was the most amazing. Like, that guy is such an incredible storyteller and comic. And, you know, he had a thing for whatever.

• 54:58Tom Segura?

  Serving drinks.

• 55:01Tom Segura?

  Now Weinstein, I would say, is probably the best guy of all because he, yeah, he did some dirty stuff. But again, as a producer, these are incredible movies, man.

• 55:12Christina Pazsitzky?

  Have you noticed the backlash with Tarantino these days?

• 55:15Speaker 16

  Yes.

• 55:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  So many actresses are coming out and being like, he's a piece of shit.

• 55:18Tom Segura?

  He's also the most, but he's like, he's gotten, he does something that you don't see in Hollywood, really, which is like A-list guy being like, hey, fuck you. You suck. Like, he's just, which is kind of, it's very entertaining because you, usually those guys, it's just like a publicist, maybe puts out a statement. You're like, this is just bullshit. He is fully just being like, that guy sucks. You suck.

• 55:42Tom Segura?

  That movie sucked because you were in it like he's really just lighting people up. It's kind of fun.

• 55:46Speaker 15

  My suspicion of him, he's a foot guy though, isn't he?

• 55:49Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah. Oh, yeah. Those guys are the darkest.

• 55:53Speaker 15

  Have you ever seen that meme about like ass guy tits guy and foot guy?

• 55:57Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, tell me.

• 55:58Speaker 15

  There's a meme online if your team can find it. It's the funniest thing ever.

• 56:01Tom Segura?

  They can find it. Oh, they can find it. It's the crack team.

• 56:05Speaker 15

  It's worth it. It's worth it.

• 56:06Christina Pazsitzky?

  They've been trained.

• 56:07Speaker 15

  But anyway, foot guys, uh.

• 56:09Christina Pazsitzky?

  They're the dirtiest, grossest, most degenerate. Yeah?

• 56:13Speaker 15

  You know, there's like a website that a friend of ours who's female who's on that website.

• 56:18Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, I'm on their wiki feed.

• 56:19Speaker 15

  Right. You're right. I was gonna ask you if you're on that. No, that's not the meme. It's like, it's like a Simpsons meme or something like that. It looks. Yeah, the foot, the foot guy is like super creepy in the meme.

• 56:30Tom Segura?

  Lose Tarantino. It's not about him, right? It's just about.

• 56:34Speaker 15

  Yeah, no, no, not Tarantino. And maybe, yeah, yeah, there you go. Boop guys, the third one from the left. There we go.

• 56:44Tom Segura?

  Butt guys.

• 56:47Tom Segura?

  That was me.

• 56:51Speaker 16

  But to be fair to Tarantino, he always embraced his sleaziness. Like, he never played a character where you went, yeah, that's a good guy.

• 56:59Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's true.

• 57:00Speaker 16

  It was always a weird, sleazy dude. I remember when I was doing like.

• 57:05Tom Segura?

  You wouldn't suck some of Hayek's toes?

• 57:07Speaker 15

  No.

• 57:08Tom Segura?

  Really?

• 57:09Speaker 15

  No.

• 57:09Speaker 16

  And you know, here's the best bit about that movie. He wrote the script.

• 57:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 57:14Speaker 15

  So this is no accident, right?

• 57:17Tom Segura?

  You know, we don't, we don't have anyone cast yet in this.

• 57:19Speaker 15

  Yeah.

• 57:20Tom Segura?

  So.

• 57:21Speaker 16

  Yeah.

• 57:21Tom Segura?

  Maybe me.

• 57:22Speaker 15

  I don't, I don't know who wrote this scene, but someone's got to do it.

• 57:25Speaker 16

  Yeah. And it's really necessary to the script that you get one of the hottest women in the world to stick her literal foot in my mouth.

• 57:32Tom Segura?

  Yeah. It's a good scene.

• 57:34Speaker 16

  It's a great movie.

• 57:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  Reservoir Dogs crushed too. I mean, I memorized that in college. Mr. Brown sounds a little too close to Mr. Shit.

• 57:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  All good.

• 57:44Speaker 16

  You know, a friend of mine told me this story about how he was in a pub in London preparing for a gig. And he was just having a drink and there was this crazy dude next to him with like a pile of papers, like talking to himself with wild hair and just putting. He's like, fuck man, there's another homeless dude. Like so annoying. Like, why is he in the pub? And he was just kept trying to write and the guy was like.

• 58:07Speaker 16

  And he was just like, fuck. And he turned around and went, oh, it's not. It's Quentin Tarantino.

• 58:11Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, wow.

• 58:12Speaker 16

  Like, literally, almost like a manic episode. Looked homeless, hair everywhere, kind of unshavelled, dishevelled, unkempt, but just talking to himself, wife's right.

• 58:22Christina Pazsitzky?

  Allegedly. Allegedly, allegedly.

• 58:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  And can't you do that in your hotel room? I don't know why you have to go to the pub to be crazy. It feels performative to me. Maybe it is. Because I talk to myself a lot, but that's why I stay home.

• 58:37Speaker 15

  That's what the shower's for, right?

• 58:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 58:38Speaker 15

  You get in the shower, you think about shit, you talk to yourself, you come out normal.

• 58:42Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, this one talks to himself all day.

• 58:44Speaker 15

  What do you talk about?

• 58:45Tom Segura?

  Everything. I mean, like,

• 58:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's constant.

• 58:48Tom Segura?

  Conversations that I want to have, that I'm gonna have, thoughts about anything, whether it's like stand-up or something I want to write. I mean, just everything. I need to talk. Yeah.

• 59:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  You have full confer- I've watched him have confrontations with people waiting for the elevator, like,

• 59:07Christina Pazsitzky?

  and I'm like, who are you fighting with?

• 59:08Tom Segura?

  Yep, a lot of self-talking, yeah.

• 59:10Speaker 16

  Yeah. Do you do, do, how, do you ever do it in Spanish when like you get really angry, like,

• 59:17Speaker 15

  That's kind of sexy.

• 59:23Tom Segura?

  Yeah, sometimes, especially if I'm around, if I'm around it more.

• 59:26Speaker 16

  Yeah.

• 59:26Tom Segura?

  Or if I'm watching stuff in Spanish, if I'm talking to like family and then, so like you're, you're thinking in that head, yeah, it starts to come out more.

• 59:35Speaker 16

  Yeah, yeah. I find it's like when I get really fucking angry, I'm like, I just find, I'm like, what is this? You know, you just like,

• 59:41Tom Segura?

  Because the insults are just better, dude. They're so much better.

• 59:44Speaker 15

  Same with Russian.

• 59:44Christina Pazsitzky?

  Russian? What's a good Russian one?

• 59:47Speaker 15

  Oh, there's loads. We have like a full catalogue of it.

• 59:49Christina Pazsitzky?

  Let's fucking hit it, bro. What's the worst thing you can say?

• 59:52Speaker 15

  Do you know what, what made me laugh so much during the war in Ukraine? This is a strange thing to leave. It's really funny. No, but like, basically, a lot of people in the West, and I'm very pro-Ukraine, but a lot of people in the, in the West who were pro-Ukraine adopted this, like, they added Ukraine to like LGBTQ, and then they just put the U at the end. If you listen to the soldiers on both sides, like the combat footage, all they're doing is calling each other fuck. All day long, Ukrainians and Russians, that's all that they do. Pideras.

• 1:00:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  Pideras is, but that's not the worst thing. What's the biggest, like in Hungarian, kurva, nyad, your mother's a whore.

• 1:00:28Speaker 15

  Yeah.

• 1:00:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  Azanyad, picia, like, and your mother's pussy and her asshole. Aziz, damn boss, I'm like, God fucks you in your ass.

• 1:00:38Speaker 15

  Oh, really?

• 1:00:39Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:00:39Speaker 15

  I think Russians are second tier. You guys are impressive.

• 1:00:43Speaker 16

  They're pretty foul.

• 1:00:44Christina Pazsitzky?

  What, what do you got? Come on, man.

• 1:00:45Speaker 15

  Well, it's just like, ah, like all that. Pidora, suka, blad, all of that. That's it. Oh, you're liking that too?

• 1:00:52Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:00:53Speaker 16

  Latins do the gay thing a lot. Everyone.

• 1:00:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, everyone.

• 1:00:56Speaker 16

  Yeah, yeah. Yeah, Marika. La puta que te parió. La puta que te parió is incredible. Yeah, that's the whore who gave, your mother, the whore who gave birth to you.

• 1:01:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  I love that stuff.

• 1:01:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, that's a deep cut. That's a deep cut.

• 1:01:10Speaker 16

  Do you know who are the worst? The Greeks. Really? The Greeks. And I'll tell you why. Like, so I'm really into like ancient Greek mythology. And I remember teaching my kids about Zeus. And he would, and halfway through the lesson, I was like, this is deeply inappropriate for 10 year olds. Yeah. Like, cause Zeus was a dirty fucker. He'd come down like dressed as a ram and impregnate a woman. And once he came down, this is true, as a golden shower.

• 1:01:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  No.

• 1:01:35Speaker 16

  He came down as a golden shower. Impregnate a woman. And this kid at the back, and I was getting observed on this lesson, put his hand up and went, Mr. Foster, what is a golden shower?

• 1:01:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh.

• 1:01:46Speaker 15

  And what did you say?

• 1:01:47Speaker 16

  I just said, it's, it's, it's a metaphor for life. And then I carried on. That is, it's a great answer.

• 1:01:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  This is a great segue to announce your book, Uneducated.

• 1:01:58Speaker 16

  Oh, yeah, indeed. It's about being a teacher, my life, and why you literally should never become one. Yeah. Don't ever do it, like. That's so inspiring. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's, it's honest, you know? Yeah. I. How long did you do it for? 12 years. Wow, that's a good run. Yeah, it is a good run. It is a good run. But you look at the before and after pictures and it wasn't a good run, Tom. You know?

• 1:02:21Speaker 15

  Why do you think he's got so much grey hair?

• 1:02:23Speaker 16

  Yeah.

• 1:02:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, I bet.

• 1:02:24Speaker 16

  Yeah.

• 1:02:24Christina Pazsitzky?

  And you taught Greek mythology?

• 1:02:25Speaker 16

  I taught a little bit to the kids. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:02:27Christina Pazsitzky?

  What else did you teach?

• 1:02:28Speaker 16

  I taught maths, English. I started off as a drama teacher, so not a proper teacher.

• 1:02:32Christina Pazsitzky?

  Sorry, can I ask you something?

• 1:02:33Speaker 16

  Yeah.

• 1:02:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  I've been wondering this for like twenty five years.

• 1:02:36Speaker 15

  Math.

• 1:02:36Christina Pazsitzky?

  Why the fuck do you pluralize maths? Math.

• 1:02:40Speaker 15

  Cause mathematics.

• 1:02:41Christina Pazsitzky?

  No.

• 1:02:42Speaker 15

  Cause we're literate.

• 1:02:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, it's math, not maths.

• 1:02:45Tom Segura?

  Right. That is a tell that we say math and you say maths.

• 1:02:49Speaker 16

  But we invented the language, so.

• 1:02:51Tom Segura?

  It's fine. I think that's the the excuse for anything you say. You're like, it's ours. Yeah.

• 1:02:55Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, yeah, that's true.

• 1:02:56Speaker 15

  Do you know that technically, this is not funny, but actually interesting. That's actually not true. So the the colonies preserved the English language much more authentically to what it was. Because the language tends to, in the country that created it, it continues to evolve.

• 1:03:10Tom Segura?

  Mm hmm.

• 1:03:10Speaker 15

  Whereas in America and Australia and New Zealand, where the people brought the language, they actually kind of froze it in time. So your accent sounds more like the accent that would have been the case.

• 1:03:21Tom Segura?

  Really?

• 1:03:21Speaker 15

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:03:22Christina Pazsitzky?

  We talk like donkeys compared to you guys.

• 1:03:24Speaker 15

  Well, that's what I'm saying.

• 1:03:27Tom Segura?

  It's more like the founding fathers spoke?

• 1:03:29Speaker 15

  Yeah.

• 1:03:30Speaker 16

  Yeah.

• 1:03:30Tom Segura?

  Really?

• 1:03:31Speaker 16

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:03:31Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's disappointing.

• 1:03:33Speaker 16

  An example of that is I taught a Jamaican boy, this was like ten or so years ago. And he had a go at one of the kids in the class, and he said the words to shut him up, "None of your foolishness, boy."

• 1:03:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  Wow, that's tight.

• 1:03:47Speaker 16

  Yeah.

• 1:03:47Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:03:48Speaker 16

  That's genuine Dickensian language.

• 1:03:50Tom Segura?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:03:50Christina Pazsitzky?

  None of your foolishness.

• 1:03:51Tom Segura?

  Foolishness, yeah.

• 1:03:52Speaker 16

  Yeah.

• 1:03:52Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, I fucking like that.

• 1:03:53Speaker 16

  It sounded good as well.

• 1:03:55Speaker 15

  Yeah, disappointed he didn't do the accent that much.

• 1:03:57Speaker 16

  Yeah.

• 1:03:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's Jamaican.

• 1:03:59Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:03:59Christina Pazsitzky?

  None of your foolishness, boy.

• 1:04:01Speaker 16

  Yeah.

• 1:04:02Tom Segura?

  It sounds like a like a grandfather reprimanding a kid.

• 1:04:05Speaker 16

  Yeah.

• 1:04:06Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's tight.

• 1:04:06Speaker 16

  And then it was accompanied with the kissing of the teeth, which just gave it a leave in it, you know? It was an extra.

• 1:04:13Tom Segura?

  Did you see fights a lot in school or no?

• 1:04:15Speaker 16

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:04:15Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:04:15Speaker 16

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. Actually, one of the biggest mistakes I ever made is like, I'm really, I really love martial arts and watching MMA and like. I think martial arts is one of the best things you can do for young people. It teaches them to be fit, to regulate emotions.

• 1:04:30Tom Segura?

  Discipline.

• 1:04:30Speaker 16

  Discipline, hard work, you know, having a goal, achieving the goal. So I taught in a really rough, rough school in a part of, uh, in a really rough part of East London. And a lot of these kids didn't have fathers, they didn't have families growing up, they were into gangs. I was like, the best thing that we can do is teach martial arts. So we paid for a martial artist to come in, MMA martial artist, to teach them how to throw punches, how to throw kicks and all the rest of it. Cause you know where this is going and cause I thought, I thought this would be discipline. It didn't teach him discipline, but I tell you what, the fights on the playground.

• 1:05:06Tom Segura?

  They got better, huh?

• 1:05:06Speaker 16

  Oh my God. Oh my God. Like we were seeing roundhouse kicks, like a one, two, three combination.

• 1:05:12Tom Segura?

  Holy shit.

• 1:05:13Speaker 16

  Yeah. And it was.

• 1:05:14Tom Segura?

  We just taught these kids how to fuck each other up.

• 1:05:17Speaker 16

  Yeah, we did. And, uh, we ended up having to cut it short and it was kind of a black mark against my name. I'm gonna be honest.

• 1:05:27Tom Segura?

  Like this is gonna help these kids and then they're just all badass.

• 1:05:29Speaker 15

  We're just gonna bring a knife expert in to show them how it's really done.

• 1:05:32Speaker 16

  Yeah. Yeah, it was. It was literally like that. I remember once just seeing like the most perfect right hook. And I was like, you see, you can learn, Tommy.

• 1:05:41Tom Segura?

  You can. Yeah. You were throwing shit before.

• 1:05:43Speaker 16

  Yeah, exactly.

• 1:05:44Tom Segura?

  You got your hips, you gotta turn your hips into that.

• 1:05:46Speaker 16

  Exactly. You say you can't do maths, but you can learn this.

• 1:05:49Tom Segura?

  You probably saw more knockouts after the MMA guy came.

• 1:05:51Speaker 16

  Oh yeah, absolutely. And the best bit was is we then gave, we gave him a lecture before it was like, you're not allowed to use this on the playground.

• 1:06:00Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:06:00Speaker 16

  It's like giving it Ron and you.

• 1:06:01Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah, they love it.

• 1:06:03Speaker 16

  They're gonna fucking use it. Why wouldn't they? Why wouldn't they?

• 1:06:05Tom Segura?

  Well, Christina was really high on, she wanted you guys to see this clip.

• 1:06:09Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:06:10Tom Segura?

  Um, it's, uh, takes place in Ireland, Ireland, which is of course part of England and. She wants to know how you feel about this.

• 1:06:18Speaker 05

  And we're here in Killarney because we've been invited by a very special character. I hear he's a local legend and his name is Sham.

• 1:06:28Tom Segura?

  Sham, how are you?

• 1:06:29Speaker 05

  Good, buddy. We're here in Killarney today. Are you from Killarney?

• 1:06:37Speaker 05

  Born and bred.

• 1:06:40Speaker 05

  What do you think makes it a great town?

• 1:06:48Speaker 05

  Yeah, lots of tourists around. It's great, isn't it?

• 1:06:55Speaker 15

  Well, I thought he made some good points.

• 1:06:56Tom Segura?

  Yeah, he did, right?

• 1:06:57Speaker 16

  Yeah, yeah, that's, that's both of us after trying Austin weed.

• 1:07:05Tom Segura?

  Does that sound better, different to your ears? Are you like, oh, I, I kinda get that?

• 1:07:09Speaker 16

  No.

• 1:07:10Tom Segura?

  Okay, good.

• 1:07:10Speaker 16

  No, no, no, no.

• 1:07:12Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, cause we've had this, we've watched this guy for like a decade and I always stupidly wonder if somebody

• 1:07:22Christina Pazsitzky?

  from the UK has a better time understanding him than we do. But now you just disprove that whole theory. Cause you're from England, London, and you guys don't understand him.

• 1:07:33Speaker 16

  No, no.

• 1:07:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  Drunk is still drunk.

• 1:07:35Speaker 16

  Yeah, it, it's also the thing, I mean, Konstantin will be able to talk about this. But when I used to do gigs in Glasgow, like the guys used to, people would come up to me and I'd be like, uh, are you happy? Are you sad? Are you gonna beat the shit out of me? Like, what are we doing here?

• 1:07:49Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:07:49Speaker 16

  Cause it would be so thick and everything they would say would be aggressive.

• 1:07:53Speaker 15

  And it would end with the word.

• 1:07:55Speaker 16

  Yeah.

• 1:07:55Tom Segura?

  I.

• 1:07:56Speaker 15

  Irrespective of whether they were being friendly or.

• 1:07:58Tom Segura?

  Having toured, I've done, you know, UK, Ireland, Northern Ireland, New Zealand, Australia, not, nothing accent wise compares, in my opinion, to the Scots.

• 1:08:09Speaker 15

  Right.

• 1:08:09Tom Segura?

  I have met guys after a show that they, they're like, you know, they had a good time. We're talking at the show and then as we're talking after the show, I'm like, are you speaking English, dude? And then they all start laughing. I'm like, I don't understand a fucking word you're saying right now. You could be speaking Aramaic. Like, I don't understand any of this. It's so strong.

• 1:08:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  And it gets worse when you have a couple of pints in you too.

• 1:08:28Tom Segura?

  Oh, my God.

• 1:08:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  I can't even fall.

• 1:08:30Tom Segura?

  It's other level.

• 1:08:31Speaker 16

  Yeah, and it's, you're fucking, you're fucking, you're just like, I'm like, I don't know if some, if you're gonna stab me or if you're gonna wanna have sex with me or you're gonna do both, maybe at the same time. I have no idea.

• 1:08:45Tom Segura?

  It's, yeah.

• 1:08:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  Ah, Francis Begbie.

• 1:08:48Speaker 16

  Begbie, exactly, exactly. It's that, but that is a quintessential Scottish character.

• 1:08:53Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:08:53Speaker 16

  You know?

• 1:08:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:08:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, go ahead.

• 1:08:56Speaker 16

  No, we love them, but they're terrifying.

• 1:08:58Tom Segura?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:08:59Christina Pazsitzky?

  Terrifying.

• 1:08:59Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:08:59Speaker 16

  You know what the Nazis used to call the Scots Guard?

• 1:09:02Tom Segura?

  No.

• 1:09:03Speaker 16

  In, in, in the Second World War?

• 1:09:05Tom Segura?

  What?

• 1:09:05Speaker 16

  The ladies of death.

• 1:09:06Tom Segura?

  Really?

• 1:09:07Speaker 16

  Cause of the kilts.

• 1:09:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:09:09Tom Segura?

  Oh, right.

• 1:09:09Speaker 16

  Cause you know, you like, if a Scots, if you piss off a Scotsman, like Edinburgh on a Saturday night, everybody's

• 1:09:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, fuck.

• 1:09:16Speaker 15

  I mean, the British Empire was basically built on using the Scottish to kill everybody.

• 1:09:20Tom Segura?

  Yes.

• 1:09:21Speaker 15

  They're, they're some of the best regiments in the British Army. Cause ah, it just, yeah.

• 1:09:25Speaker 16

  Yeah.

• 1:09:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  You guys wear shorts in your military. I know that cause I've been on different bases and I'm like, who's allowed to wear shorts? The Brits.

• 1:09:35Speaker 16

  Really?

• 1:09:36Speaker 15

  Oh, I didn't know that.

• 1:09:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  You guys wear shorts, kinda gay.

• 1:09:38Tom Segura?

  On base?

• 1:09:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, dude.

• 1:09:39Tom Segura?

  Kinda gay?

• 1:09:40Christina Pazsitzky?

  Like when it's hot in the Middle East and stuff, I'd be like, why? You guys could use your fucking legs blown off by IEDs, but y'all are wearing shorts.

• 1:09:45Tom Segura?

  Well, I don't know if pants would keep your legs.

• 1:09:47Speaker 15

  I was just thinking that.

• 1:09:48Christina Pazsitzky?

  It'll help with some of the shrapnel.

• 1:09:50Tom Segura?

  Okay.

• 1:09:50Christina Pazsitzky?

  For sure. For sure. Little dust. I mean, it's very dusty.

• 1:09:56Tom Segura?

  I got these though, cause I had pants on.

• 1:09:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  Don't you mock me. Don't you mock me. I've been watching lightness. I'm joining the Marines.

• 1:10:04Tom Segura?

  That's right.

• 1:10:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, you need to wear fucking pants, governor.

• 1:10:06Tom Segura?

  Okay.

• 1:10:07Speaker 16

  But the, we have this phenomenon in, uh, the UK, they're called northerners, right?

• 1:10:12Tom Segura?

  Mm-hmm.

• 1:10:12Speaker 16

  And that's

• 1:10:15Speaker 16

  And northerners are anybody kind of north of Birmingham, which is in the center, right?

• 1:10:21Tom Segura?

  Mm-hmm.

• 1:10:21Speaker 16

  And a northerner, when the temperature gets over about 10 degrees Celsius and there's like a glimmer of sun, they will say this is too hot and they will wear shorts.

• 1:10:33Tom Segura?

  Really?

• 1:10:33Speaker 16

  Yeah. And if it gets to about 13.

• 1:10:35Tom Segura?

  They're just like.

• 1:10:36Speaker 16

  No, 10 and that's when the flip flops come out.

• 1:10:39Tom Segura?

  Really? 13?

• 1:10:41Speaker 16

  Yeah, it's about 13 degrees.

• 1:10:42Speaker 15

  Celsius, right? So what is that in Fahrenheit?

• 1:10:44Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's like 20.

• 1:10:45Speaker 15

  Cause none of you guys know what the fuck we're talking about, right?

• 1:10:47Tom Segura?

  No, but that's, no, that's probably

• 1:10:49Christina Pazsitzky?

  80.

• 1:10:50Tom Segura?

  13, would that be like in the 50s maybe?

• 1:10:52Christina Pazsitzky?

  What is it?

• 1:10:53Speaker 16

  Yeah.

• 1:10:53Tom Segura?

  55.

• 1:10:53Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, that's cold as shit.

• 1:10:55Speaker 16

  No, no, not for, not for those boys.

• 1:10:57Tom Segura?

  It's just like, brace, it's summer.

• 1:10:59Speaker 15

  And girls, so we had, the woman who, who is like the CEO of Trigonometry and runs everything, basically, uh, she's a northerner and she moved down to London to work with us. And the moment the sun comes out, she starts fucking complaining.

• 1:11:11Speaker 16

  Yeah.

• 1:11:12Tom Segura?

  They want it to be

• 1:11:14Speaker 15

  They want it to be cold.

• 1:11:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's horrible.

• 1:11:15Speaker 15

  Yeah.

• 1:11:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, do the Ruski's, are they like that?

• 1:11:18Tom Segura?

  You guys are used to

• 1:11:19Speaker 15

  Nah. Well, we're used to cold, but see, i- in Russia, the summers are very hot. So you get seasons.

• 1:11:24Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:11:24Speaker 15

  Whereas in the UK, you get one season all year round, which is just, do you know, you don't know this. The, the, since the start of the year, we're sitting here in early March. We, until the end of February, it rained every single day.

• 1:11:36Tom Segura?

  Really?

• 1:11:37Speaker 15

  Every single day in two months.

• 1:11:38Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:11:39Christina Pazsitzky?

  Fuck.

• 1:11:39Speaker 15

  That, and that is just like that most of the year.

• 1:11:41Christina Pazsitzky?

  Now, Hungary at one point had the highest suicide rate. How come not England?

• 1:11:47Speaker 16

  That's a hell of a segue, Chris.

• 1:11:49Speaker 15

  Why don't you guys kill yourselves more?

• 1:11:52Speaker 16

  Yeah. I mean, objectively, that's a good question.

• 1:11:54Speaker 15

  Yes.

• 1:11:55Christina Pazsitzky?

  Because when I lived, when I was there for my year abroad, it was so depressing because the sun doesn't come out and then it's only light out for a few hours. By four o'clock, it's down and you're in the pub and you're drunk again. And it's just like gray.

• 1:12:07Tom Segura?

  There you go. It's a cycle.

• 1:12:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:12:09Tom Segura?

  You need that gloominess to drink, to keep drinking.

• 1:12:12Speaker 16

  Look, they're just tough, like, this is what I've kind of accepted about British people, particularly outside of London. They're just tougher people.

• 1:12:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:12:19Speaker 16

  They're just harder people. I remember I was gigging in, in Newcastle and there was this very beautiful woman at the bar. And I was, oh wow, she's gorgeous. And then this guy like kept like hitting on her. Like in quite an aggressive way. And to the point, I was like, should I actually step in? Because this is getting uncomfortable. She was drinking a pint like this. Put the pint down, looked at him in the eyes and went, I'm not gonna bang you. Fuck off.

• 1:12:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's amazing.

• 1:12:46Tom Segura?

  Yeah, that would never happen here.

• 1:12:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's amazing.

• 1:12:49Tom Segura?

  Maybe in Philly, but uh.

• 1:12:51Christina Pazsitzky?

  I love it.

• 1:12:52Speaker 16

  They're, they're just like, it's just tougher people.

• 1:12:55Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:12:56Speaker 16

  They're just, they're harder people, you know?

• 1:12:57Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:12:58Tom Segura?

  Well, yeah, your working class is really tough.

• 1:13:02Speaker 16

  Yeah.

• 1:13:02Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:13:03Speaker 16

  Yeah, yeah. They're just tough, tough, hard people in the, in the way that, I don't know, like, like I said before, that when you look at them, you understand how we took over the world. And then when they start drinking, you're like, this is my time to leave. This is the time to leave. This is the time to make myself scarce because when it gets to a certain point, I it makes Sixth Street just look like a kind of.

• 1:13:26Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:13:27Speaker 16

  You know, like a yoga studio.

• 1:13:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:13:31Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, you guys are so rough because you know, I love those period piece shows. I watch every single one of them.

• 1:13:35Tom Segura?

  Everyone.

• 1:13:36Christina Pazsitzky?

  Now, I mean, you guys like London times when it was all dirt and then the chimneys just belted out smoke and then the dead bodies in the in the Thames and nothing but plague and stuff. I mean, you guys come from horrific shit and then getting bombed and stuff, Winston Churchill, that whole thing, remember?

• 1:13:54Tom Segura?

  That whole thing?

• 1:13:55Speaker 15

  Yeah.

• 1:13:55Tom Segura?

  You guys remember that?

• 1:13:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, I've been through a lot.

• 1:13:58Speaker 15

  It left a bit of an impact, you know?

• 1:13:59Tom Segura?

  Remember Germany?

• 1:14:00Speaker 15

  Yeah.

• 1:14:01Tom Segura?

  Those knuckleheads?

• 1:14:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah. You guys have been through a lot.

• 1:14:05Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:14:05Speaker 15

  Well, you guys have been through it too, right? Because you're the descendants of us in a way, right?

• 1:14:09Christina Pazsitzky?

  In a way, but we're also hijab pod of every other community.

• 1:14:12Speaker 15

  You let too many Germans in as one of our guests.

• 1:14:17Tom Segura?

  Quite a few made their way in.

• 1:14:18Speaker 15

  Yeah.

• 1:14:19Speaker 16

  Yeah.

• 1:14:20Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:14:21Speaker 16

  We do, we, I guess so, but like, if you look at like other people's history, like Russian history?

• 1:14:26Speaker 15

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, no.

• 1:14:28Speaker 16

  I mean, come on, like, that is infinitely more.

• 1:14:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  You guys are fucking crazy.

• 1:14:31Speaker 15

  Yeah. Well, you, you, like, everyone always says to me, why, why are Russians so, like, stern? It's like, look at fucking Russian history. Like, you'd be, you'd be pretty.

• 1:14:39Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:14:40Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:14:40Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, it's from the east as well, too. Like, Hungarians are Turkish, basically, or European Turks.

• 1:14:46Speaker 15

  Yeah.

• 1:14:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  So it's just a different culture.

• 1:14:49Speaker 15

  Well, think about the history of Russia. So there was a period in Russian history where the Russian people were occupied by the Mongols, Genghis Khan's descendants. For about as long as America's been in existence. So it kind of leaves a bit of a mark on your psyche. You know what I mean?

• 1:15:03Christina Pazsitzky?

  For sure.

• 1:15:03Speaker 15

  Yeah. And then the Mongols weren't that nice. It was kind of like being invaded by, like, Karl Drogo from Game of Thrones.

• 1:15:09Tom Segura?

  Did you ever listen to that podcast, uh, The Dictators? Have you ever listened to that one?

• 1:15:13Speaker 15

  No.

• 1:15:13Tom Segura?

  So good. And they profile, like, they do episode, multi-episode, um, like, stories about, like, it's the whole story of a dictator.

• 1:15:22Speaker 15

  All right.

• 1:15:22Tom Segura?

  So there's, they have it about basically almost everyone that's been, that's been a dictator. Dictator and they have one about Stalin. That's fantastic, although I think the most exciting one may have been about Saddam Hussein. That was pretty, pretty great.

• 1:15:35Speaker 15

  What made it exciting?

• 1:15:36Tom Segura?

  Oh, just like what level psychopath he is, you know?

• 1:15:40Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's my husband.

• 1:15:42Tom Segura?

  Like he, they did a-

• 1:15:43Speaker 15

  Just the torture he did was so cool.

• 1:15:45Tom Segura?

  It had like a, um, a team of psychologists study these, uh, breakdowns of, of dictators. And they said that the one that registered the highest as a textbook grade A psychopath was Saddam Hussein.

• 1:16:03Speaker 16

  Really?

• 1:16:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  I wouldn't have guessed that. I would have thought Stalin.

• 1:16:06Speaker 15

  Do you think there's something about being a dictator that makes you that? Like just having this unlimited power?

• 1:16:12Tom Segura?

  Well, I think it probably exacerbates what's there.

• 1:16:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  Chicken or the egg?

• 1:16:15Tom Segura?

  He had, but he had all the formula, like there's something in your genetics. There was a neglect as a child, there's abuse, there's getting into violence at a young age. And, and having it, uh, not have the repercussions that, you know, getting what you want out of it. And then as you move up the political ladder and having all this, the access, you know, to power and then getting absolute power, I mean, it's just gonna inflame you to be this total monster.

• 1:16:46Speaker 15

  Well, that's, that's why I'm asking, cause I think if you make me a dictator, I'd shoot some fucking people.

• 1:16:49Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:16:50Christina Pazsitzky?

  For sure. That's the whole fun.

• 1:16:51Speaker 15

  We're right.

• 1:16:52Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:16:53Speaker 15

  How are you, how's you gonna be a dictator?

• 1:16:55Christina Pazsitzky?

  Dude, I would clean all the people, like first of all, yeah, let's fucking round up all the scumbags that are like-

• 1:17:00Tom Segura?

  Saddam killed somebody as a teenager, so that's all-

• 1:17:02Speaker 15

  Oh, really?

• 1:17:02Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:17:03Christina Pazsitzky?

  He what?

• 1:17:03Tom Segura?

  He's shot somebody, he killed someone when he was like six.

• 1:17:05Speaker 15

  He was talented from right from the beginning.

• 1:17:07Speaker 16

  You know, it's like the youth academy if you're in a soccer, you know what I mean?

• 1:17:10Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:17:10Speaker 16

  He gotta, he gotta train.

• 1:17:12Speaker 15

  He established himself early, you know?

• 1:17:14Speaker 16

  He gotta learn your craft.

• 1:17:15Tom Segura?

  Yeah, you gotta fucking get out there, man.

• 1:17:17Speaker 16

  Do you know, I wouldn't do that, like, cause Venezuela is, has, has had dictators for the last, it's got a kind of dictatorship now. But Hugo Chavez was a dictator and when he came in, you know, was one of the first things he did? He banned golf.

• 1:17:31Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, wow.

• 1:17:32Tom Segura?

  Really?

• 1:17:32Speaker 16

  Yeah, he said it was a sport-

• 1:17:33Tom Segura?

  That's an elitist sport?

• 1:17:34Speaker 16

  Yeah, he said it's a sport of the bourgeoisie and then he went, you know what? It's not even a sport, it's a game and banned it. And I'm all, I'm for that.

• 1:17:43Speaker 16

  I'm full of that. I fucking hate golf. It takes over everything. It's boring. It's tedious.

• 1:17:49Tom Segura?

  It takes a long time.

• 1:17:50Christina Pazsitzky?

  Too much land.

• 1:17:50Tom Segura?

  It eats up land. So much land.

• 1:17:52Speaker 16

  Exactly.

• 1:17:53Tom Segura?

  That and cemeteries. Fucking sad.

• 1:17:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  And pickleball, too. Fuck pickleball.

• 1:17:58Tom Segura?

  When you think about how much land cemeteries take up, right?

• 1:18:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yes.

• 1:18:02Tom Segura?

  They're just huge plots of land. And it's like, once you're two generations removed, if I show you fucking a foster from the 1850s, you're not like, I'm gonna get emotional right now. You're like, I don't fucking know who that is. I'm like, oh, that's your great, great grandfather.

• 1:18:18Christina Pazsitzky?

  Nobody cares.

• 1:18:19Tom Segura?

  Okay. And it's just gonna sit here forever? And then we're just gonna keep adding fucking tombstones to this plot of land? It's the biggest waste of space ever.

• 1:18:27Speaker 16

  Yeah.

• 1:18:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  You know, what I was thinking is that everything in nature goes back to nature. It's a circle of life thing, right? Except for us shitty humans, because what? They either burn us, and then you keep the ashes, or they put you in a box so that you can't even decompose back into the earth. I would like to decompose naturally in our backyard. Like, sweetie, if you can keep me in the backyard.

• 1:18:47Tom Segura?

  They should slingshot people into the ocean. That's what they should do.

• 1:18:49Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's the best solution.

• 1:18:50Tom Segura?

  You go into the ocean, water is life, the fishes and the sharks eat you, and you save the land. Why are we wasting our land?

• 1:18:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  Tom, you and I just solved it.

• 1:19:00Tom Segura?

  Cemeteries suck.

• 1:19:02Speaker 16

  I've never had that perspective before.

• 1:19:04Tom Segura?

  It's so much goddamn, I mean, you're driving down in LA, you drive down in Westwood, and you see this like-

• 1:19:11Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's a huge waste. It's good real estate.

• 1:19:12Tom Segura?

  Prime real estate, and you're like, what is this? Like, oh, it's a fucking cemetery.

• 1:19:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  Who cares?

• 1:19:16Tom Segura?

  There's enough space here for bodies for the next 500 years. You're like, great. What a great use of this fucking land. Build houses on there. Do something. This waste of land, it makes me crazy.

• 1:19:27Christina Pazsitzky?

  Makes me crazy, too.

• 1:19:28Speaker 15

  But back garden is probably better, right? Because like, your kids can visit.

• 1:19:31Christina Pazsitzky?

  I would love that.

• 1:19:32Speaker 15

  If you get slingshot into the ocean, like, what are they gonna do? Hire a yacht? And like, mommy was shot within the four mile radius of this point. Let's-

• 1:19:39Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's true. You know, ideally-

• 1:19:40Tom Segura?

  If you get shot, that'd be crazy.

• 1:19:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  Ideally, I'd like to be buried in some kind of a clear coffin that you could watch me decompose. Does that make sense? Like, a glass-bottom boat?

• 1:19:52Speaker 15

  Makes sense. It's fucking terrifying.

• 1:19:55Christina Pazsitzky?

  Don't you wanna see me decompose?

• 1:19:57Speaker 15

  That is incredibly gross.

• 1:19:58Speaker 16

  I think the only way you'd do that is if you're like, you know what? I don't think my kids have suffered enough.

• 1:20:03Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:20:03Speaker 15

  Yeah.

• 1:20:04Speaker 16

  I want them to suffer past my death.

• 1:20:06Speaker 15

  They had a normal life, unlike me.

• 1:20:08Tom Segura?

  There you go.

• 1:20:09Speaker 16

  There you go.

• 1:20:09Speaker 15

  We need some Hungarian experience for them.

• 1:20:11Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's what I want.

• 1:20:12Speaker 15

  Yeah.

• 1:20:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  I mean, I just want them to be able to see what's going on. It's educational.

• 1:20:17Speaker 16

  Do you know?

• 1:20:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, I only want to rot naturally. Why can't we just rot naturally? I don't understand why they can't do that. Can't they just bury you?

• 1:20:23Speaker 16

  You know what? I've never, I've never been to a funeral in Venezuela. Have you ever seen, Tom, open casket? I've never seen, like Latinos love an open casket.

• 1:20:31Tom Segura?

  Wait, open casket at a service?

• 1:20:33Speaker 16

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:20:33Tom Segura?

  Yes, I have seen that, yes.

• 1:20:34Speaker 15

  Do Russians do that too?

• 1:20:35Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:20:35Speaker 16

  Really?

• 1:20:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's horrible.

• 1:20:37Speaker 15

  Wait, like you see the person's face?

• 1:20:39Speaker 16

  Yeah.

• 1:20:39Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:20:40Speaker 15

  Well, right.

• 1:20:40Tom Segura?

  Yeah, absolutely.

• 1:20:41Speaker 15

  Otherwise, how do you know if they're there?

• 1:20:43Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:20:44Christina Pazsitzky?

  You just trust.

• 1:20:46Speaker 15

  You must, what do you mean with trust? You have to check. What would not happen?

• 1:20:51Tom Segura?

  Yes.

• 1:20:53Speaker 16

  I just, that would freak me out. I'll be honest, like, I go, I go see, that's why how we're different. I'd be like, I trust you.

• 1:20:59Tom Segura?

  I trust you.

• 1:21:00Speaker 16

  I trust that the admin-

• 1:21:01Tom Segura?

  Don't open the thing.

• 1:21:02Speaker 16

  Yeah.

• 1:21:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  Don't you want to see it?

• 1:21:03Tom Segura?

  It does freak me out.

• 1:21:03Speaker 15

  This is why the West is gonna collapse.

• 1:21:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  You know, pussies, crybaby pussies.

• 1:21:07Speaker 15

  And they don't trust everything.

• 1:21:10Tom Segura?

  Man, I, oh man.

• 1:21:11Christina Pazsitzky?

  This is true, constantly.

• 1:21:12Tom Segura?

  I will say I hate funerals, though.

• 1:21:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  I hate them too.

• 1:21:14Speaker 15

  Yeah, I'm not a huge fan.

• 1:21:15Tom Segura?

  Yeah. It really bums me out, man.

• 1:21:18Christina Pazsitzky?

  You know what I will say?

• 1:21:19Speaker 15

  Yeah, they're kinda sad, really.

• 1:21:20Tom Segura?

  They're kinda sad. I don't like being in those feelings. I don't like it.

• 1:21:23Speaker 15

  Yeah.

• 1:21:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  You know what I did like, though, is when our friend Brody passed and it was all comics at the comedy store.

• 1:21:28Tom Segura?

  That was like a memorial service.

• 1:21:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  And that, that was the appropriate level of like emotion, laugh, emotion, laugh.

• 1:21:35Tom Segura?

  Yes, the good back and forth of that.

• 1:21:36Christina Pazsitzky?

  That was a nice balance.

• 1:21:38Tom Segura?

  You should do that for each other. Yeah.

• 1:21:40Christina Pazsitzky?

  What about us?

• 1:21:41Tom Segura?

  I was saying, you know, like, you're telling him about it, like.

• 1:21:43Speaker 16

  Yeah.

• 1:21:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, well, make sure he does that for me, okay?

• 1:21:46Tom Segura?

  You know, have a, have like a fun get together.

• 1:21:49Speaker 15

  We're like a married couple, like, you know, there's married couples that die on the same day?

• 1:21:53Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:21:53Speaker 15

  Cause they love each other so much. That's me and Francis.

• 1:21:55Speaker 16

  Yeah.

• 1:21:55Christina Pazsitzky?

  Aww.

• 1:21:56Speaker 15

  Yeah, except the love each other part. Just die on the same day.

• 1:21:59Speaker 16

  Yeah, just, you know, more out of spite than anything else.

• 1:22:04Tom Segura?

  Do you guys argue?

• 1:22:05Speaker 15

  Uh, sometimes, very rarely. We're used to more.

• 1:22:09Speaker 16

  Yeah.

• 1:22:09Speaker 15

  Like a marriage, it kind of takes, you know, you, you work shit out and then eventually you just, yeah.

• 1:22:13Speaker 16

  And then the testosterone declines, so you know what I mean?

• 1:22:16Tom Segura?

  Yeah, I'm fine.

• 1:22:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  I love a low T king. I love it.

• 1:22:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  I'm so over like.

• 1:22:23Speaker 15

  All eyes on you, my friend.

• 1:22:24Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, he's gotten so much better as he's gotten older. Like, it just, I like to see the will beat out of him. I like to see him dejected and just dragging through life. Makes me happy.

• 1:22:33Speaker 15

  None of the like alpha energy.

• 1:22:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, I don't like that. I've had it. I'm done, dude. I'm drained.

• 1:22:38Tom Segura?

  Beautiful.

• 1:22:39Speaker 15

  So.

• 1:22:41Speaker 16

  Look at Tom trying to change the conversation. So you basically married a blonde Latina, Tom?

• 1:22:46Tom Segura?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:22:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah. Oh, they call Eastern Europeans winter Latinas.

• 1:22:51Speaker 16

  Really?

• 1:22:51Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, because we're supposed to be the same, but just meaner and shittier. Like how you guys like happiness and joy? We're the opposite, depression and sadness. But we're spicy as shit.

• 1:23:01Speaker 15

  She's real, right?

• 1:23:02Tom Segura?

  Yeah, so real.

• 1:23:04Speaker 15

  So real. Just so real.

• 1:23:06Christina Pazsitzky?

  I'm a winter Latina. I'm a winter Latina.

• 1:23:08Tom Segura?

  It's the realness that keeps it exciting.

• 1:23:09Christina Pazsitzky?

  You stop. Go ahead.

• 1:23:12Tom Segura?

  We're going to show them, we get, we get a bank of videos that Christine and I have not seen.

• 1:23:16Speaker 15

  Okay.

• 1:23:17Tom Segura?

  And the idea is to decide whether what we see in it is horrible or hilarious. Like, so I have no idea what's in this.

• 1:23:27Speaker 15

  Okay.

• 1:23:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's a good one.

• 1:23:36Speaker 15

  That's kind of both.

• 1:23:37Tom Segura?

  Yeah, it was a little bit of both. I think if that mask came down, there'd be some missing teeth.

• 1:23:41Speaker 15

  That's what I'm saying.

• 1:23:42Tom Segura?

  Because it landed on like a, a cement, oh man. Yeah.

• 1:23:48Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, but they're wearing a mask like a fag and I hate that.

• 1:23:52Christina Pazsitzky?

  He deserves what he gets. Wearing a mask outside? Get fucked up.

• 1:23:55Tom Segura?

  Yeah, it's so fucking.

• 1:23:57Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh.

• 1:23:59Speaker 15

  You know, people still do that in L.A.

• 1:24:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yes.

• 1:24:01Speaker 15

  You go to L.A., you land at the airport, you're like, what the fuck, did I go back six years?

• 1:24:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yes, because they're traumatized.

• 1:24:06Speaker 15

  It's fucking incredible.

• 1:24:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's still that, that mantra of you're still in danger, we need to protect you, da, da, da, da, da. It's madness. It's very sad.

• 1:24:15Speaker 16

  My friend Jonathan Kogan's got a great joke when he goes, he goes, people often ask me, like, what are my opinion on transes? And I'm like, look, it's always the same. It's fine when the Asians do it. You know what I mean? It's like, I'm asked.

• 1:24:28Tom Segura?

  It's a good joke.

• 1:24:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  Totally. Just like that. Yeah, the Asians invented that weird shit.

• 1:24:34Speaker 16

  And invented the most shit.

• 1:24:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, I know.

• 1:24:36Tom Segura?

  I do, do you remember when you're like 15 years ago, you're traveling in an airport, you're like, the fuck's going on with this guy? And then someone would have to tell you. They're like, oh, yeah, but they were doing it like really out of, a lot of times, like, they don't feel well, right?

• 1:24:50Speaker 15

  Yeah, protecting you.

• 1:24:51Tom Segura?

  Yeah, protecting you.

• 1:24:52Christina Pazsitzky?

  I know, and we're the jerks.

• 1:24:53Tom Segura?

  I was like, that's a new concept to me. Like, you're protecting the others?

• 1:24:57Speaker 15

  Amazing.

• 1:24:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's real communist mentality.

• 1:25:00Speaker 15

  So un-American.

• 1:25:11Speaker 15

  Why didn't you get out of the way?

• 1:25:13Tom Segura?

  Yeah, I don't know. Was he backing him up? It starts like, it starts when he's already too close. Yeah, maybe he's like, all right, keep coming. Keep coming.

• 1:25:22Christina Pazsitzky?

  There's a woman, no?

• 1:25:29Tom Segura?

  There you go. Maybe a new driver?

• 1:25:32Speaker 15

  That, that felt to me like he could literally just step out of the way, though.

• 1:25:34Speaker 16

  Yeah.

• 1:25:35Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:25:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  He's tiny and slender.

• 1:25:37Tom Segura?

  He got crushed, though. Maybe his hip's not the same. Is that a woman?

• 1:25:40Christina Pazsitzky?

  I think it's a woman.

• 1:25:41Speaker 15

  Oh, it's a woman. I've misgendered somebody. That is on fucking brand.

• 1:25:45Speaker 16

  Yeah.

• 1:25:45Tom Segura?

  Allegedly.

• 1:25:46Speaker 15

  Allegedly. I definitely fucking misgendered somebody.

• 1:25:50Christina Pazsitzky?

  Allegedly.

• 1:25:51Speaker 15

  There we go.

• 1:25:52Tom Segura?

  Nice.

• 1:25:52Speaker 15

  No, no, no.

• 1:25:53Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, no, no, no.

• 1:25:56Speaker 11

  Bro, you just shit my fucking seat.

• 1:26:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's not funny, dude. That's why I tell my kids not to even fucking pretend with their stupid guns.

• 1:26:09Tom Segura?

  Oh yeah.

• 1:26:09Speaker 15

  Play stupid games.

• 1:26:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  They have play guns. They just even point it fake at me and I'm like, "Don't fucking do that, bro."

• 1:26:14Tom Segura?

  There's her original tooth.

• 1:26:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  Fuck right off.

• 1:26:18Tom Segura?

  Holy shit.

• 1:26:22Tom Segura?

  Yeah, well you probably shouldn't, you know.

• 1:26:24Speaker 15

  I'd love to be there when the dad, her dad sees that.

• 1:26:27Tom Segura?

  He's like, "How'd that happen?" "Well, he put a gun in my mouth."

• 1:26:31Speaker 15

  Yeah.

• 1:26:31Tom Segura?

  Empty chamber.

• 1:26:32Speaker 15

  No, no, he wasn't like that. In a nice way.

• 1:26:35Tom Segura?

  Yeah. We thought it'd be funny. And now I have to go to the dentist.

• 1:26:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  And the worst part is, this bitch is gonna have to get veneers now for the rest of her life.

• 1:26:42Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:26:42Christina Pazsitzky?

  Just like, "I fucking had to, because I, my chip is like..."

• 1:26:44Tom Segura?

  Because you had a gun in your mouth.

• 1:26:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yup, back in 3rd grade, bro. I fell off, whatever. I got hit in the face.

• 1:26:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  I don't like it already, I know.

• 1:26:56Speaker 16

  Oh my god.

• 1:27:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  No. Holy, holy shit.

• 1:27:09Christina Pazsitzky?

  Lay down, baby. Lay down. Lay down, baby.

• 1:27:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  Holy shit.

• 1:27:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  Fucking retard.

• 1:27:23Speaker 05

  Oh, those were great sounds.

• 1:27:29Speaker 15

  You guys have a weird sense of humor. I'm like, "Oh, Jesus. Is he okay?" You're like, "Retard, you fell over."

• 1:27:40Tom Segura?

  What came out? Something ran across the road?

• 1:27:42Christina Pazsitzky?

  A deer?

• 1:27:43Tom Segura?

  A deer?

• 1:27:44Speaker 15

  Yeah.

• 1:27:45Tom Segura?

  Was it?

• 1:27:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, bro.

• 1:27:48Tom Segura?

  Does it?

• 1:27:49Christina Pazsitzky?

  Watch. Oh, dude, that could happen.

• 1:27:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  Shit, that could happen. That happens with your car out here.

• 1:27:58Tom Segura?

  So it's like that one was a 50/50 split?

• 1:28:00Speaker 15

  Right.

• 1:28:00Tom Segura?

  Uh, 2 of us found it hilarious.

• 1:28:02Speaker 15

  It wasn't, the thing is, it wasn't his fault. Like, when people do stupid shit. But to me, it's just like a bad thing happened to this guy.

• 1:28:09Tom Segura?

  A bad, funny thing did happen.

• 1:28:10Speaker 15

  Yeah.

• 1:28:16Speaker 16

  It's partly his fault, because he should be wearing leathers.

• 1:28:19Tom Segura?

  There you go.

• 1:28:20Speaker 16

  You shouldn't be particularly going on a bike at that speed without leathers.

• 1:28:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, interesting. It's like wearing shorts in the military, maybe.

• 1:28:26Tom Segura?

  Wow.

• 1:28:27Speaker 15

  Yeah, leathers really protect you from that.

• 1:28:29Speaker 16

  It's the burn. You don't get the burn.

• 1:28:32Speaker 05

  The burn.

• 1:28:33Speaker 16

  The burn.

• 1:28:33Tom Segura?

  The burn, right? Have you guys seen the story of the McDonald's CEO? Did that make it to you? No. So they have, they have a new sandwich. And so the CEO of McDonald's came out and was like, hey, I'm gonna try this new sandwich we got. And he got so destroyed online for the video, which he thought was gonna be like a cool promotional thing. Here's what it is, and let's see if you can find out why they're not.

• 1:29:02Speaker 17

  Chris K here with, you've heard about it. Here it is, the Big Arch. This is something that we have tested already in Portugal, Germany, Canada. I love this product. It is so good. I'm gonna do a tasting right now, but I'm gonna eat this for my lunch, just so you know. So here we go. First, holy cow. God, that is a big burger. We've got a very unique kind of sesame poppy sort of bun on it.

• 1:29:31Tom Segura?

  Wow.

• 1:29:31Speaker 17

  We've got two quarter pound patties, a delicious Big Arch sauce, and of course, some lettuce. So, oh, there's so much going on with this. First of all, let's try to get this thing, I don't even know how to attack it. Got so much to it. Ooh, there's also some crispy onions on here as well. I see those kinda coming out. All right, the moment of truth.

• 1:29:53Speaker 05

  He doesn't eat that shit ever, dude.

• 1:29:58Speaker 17

  That is so good. That's a big bite for a Big Arch. It's distinctively McDonald's. Only McDonald's could do this type of burger. But it also is unlike anything else on our menu. It's a delicious product. You know, you've got sort of the cheeses and the gooeyness, but those crispy onions as well gives a nice texture. And of course, we've got the pickles, so I'm gonna enjoy the rest of my lunch, but Big Arch. Try it when you can get it.

• 1:30:25Tom Segura?

  So, people have called for him to resign over this, okay?

• 1:30:29Speaker 15

  Why?

• 1:30:29Tom Segura?

  Because, so, the few things that people are most upset about is, number one, that they're like, "That's not a bite." Like, you, your bite sucks.

• 1:30:38Speaker 15

  It was a small bite.

• 1:30:39Tom Segura?

  Yeah, and they're like, and then they go, "He did not eat that." They're like, he's, he's like, "Don't worry, I'm gonna have it for lunch." Where they're like, "He's definitely not eating that." And that, for, I think, consumers, maybe in the industry uses, but for consumers, and like, that, to call it product, like, this is a product?

• 1:30:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:30:56Tom Segura?

  As opposed to like-

• 1:30:57Speaker 15

  I mean, it kind of is, right?

• 1:30:58Tom Segura?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. But he got-

• 1:31:01Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:31:02Speaker 15

  You know what I'm saying?

• 1:31:02Tom Segura?

  This went so viral-

• 1:31:04Speaker 15

  Really?

• 1:31:04Tom Segura?

  That, that, that other fast food chains have been able to capitalize on it. So like, they've come out with ads where they're like, "We actually eat our burgers."

• 1:31:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  Hilarious. Yeah, because he doesn't even look like he enjoys McDonald's.

• 1:31:16Tom Segura?

  You think this guy eats McDonald's?

• 1:31:18Christina Pazsitzky?

  Never. And, dude, that's half a pound of McDonald's beef. Two quarter pounds. I know you guys do the fucking gay metric system.

• 1:31:27Tom Segura?

  Right.

• 1:31:27Speaker 16

  The gay metric system.

• 1:31:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  America, that's half a pound.

• 1:31:33Speaker 15

  The gay metric system.

• 1:31:34Speaker 16

  Why is it, why is it gay, the metric?

• 1:31:36Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's just wrong.

• 1:31:36Tom Segura?

  Because it makes sense? We don't like that shit.

• 1:31:39Christina Pazsitzky?

  We don't like that shit over here.

• 1:31:40Speaker 16

  Plus, the French use it, so like-

• 1:31:42Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:31:42Speaker 15

  Yeah, that's, that's a real reason.

• 1:31:44Tom Segura?

  I mean, what's freezing, what is freezing, temperature?

• 1:31:47Speaker 16

  Zero.

• 1:31:48Tom Segura?

  Yeah, like, what the fuck is that supposed to mean?

• 1:31:50Speaker 16

  Yeah.

• 1:31:50Tom Segura?

  It makes no sense. What's boiling?

• 1:31:52Speaker 16

  Uh, hundred.

• 1:31:53Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh.

• 1:31:54Tom Segura?

  Who the fuck knows?

• 1:31:55Speaker 15

  It's so illogical, isn't it? You just can't make heads or tails of it, it doesn't make any sense.

• 1:31:59Tom Segura?

  Doesn't make any sense, does it?

• 1:32:00Speaker 15

  You start at zero and you go to a hundred, like, what the fuck is that?

• 1:32:03Tom Segura?

  Freezing should be thirty-two.

• 1:32:06Christina Pazsitzky?

  I, I will give you that, but what about the stone horse shit? It's a pound, motherfucker.

• 1:32:11Speaker 15

  Oh, yeah, yeah. You know what, I lived in England for over thirty years, I still don't get it.

• 1:32:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, what, what is a stone?

• 1:32:15Speaker 15

  I'm still on kilograms.

• 1:32:16Speaker 16

  Yeah. Half a pound.

• 1:32:18Christina Pazsitzky?

  Half a pound.

• 1:32:18Speaker 16

  Half a pound, governor, half a pound of pace.

• 1:32:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  Governor!

• 1:32:21Speaker 16

  Governor.

• 1:32:22Tom Segura?

  But people still- We now do use miles sometimes, right? Isn't that like?

• 1:32:27Speaker 16

  Yeah, we use miles.

• 1:32:28Tom Segura?

  But you use kilometers too, right?

• 1:32:30Speaker 16

  No, we don't.

• 1:32:31Tom Segura?

  Never?

• 1:32:32Speaker 15

  Europe, Europe.

• 1:32:33Speaker 16

  No.

• 1:32:34Speaker 15

  No, no, we're still on miles. We drive on the right side of the road, unlike you guys, but yeah.

• 1:32:38Tom Segura?

  Yes, yes.

• 1:32:39Speaker 15

  And when I say right, I mean the correct. I'm also right, yeah.

• 1:32:43Tom Segura?

  So only the rest of Europe uses kilometers?

• 1:32:45Speaker 16

  Only the rest of Europe uses.

• 1:32:46Tom Segura?

  Have you always done miles?

• 1:32:48Speaker 16

  Yeah, we've always done miles. No.

• 1:32:49Speaker 15

  That's where you got it from.

• 1:32:51Speaker 16

  Yes.

• 1:32:51Speaker 15

  With all respect.

• 1:32:52Tom Segura?

  I had no idea.

• 1:32:53Speaker 16

  Guys.

• 1:32:54Tom Segura?

  You learn something every day.

• 1:32:54Speaker 15

  We gave it to you.

• 1:32:55Tom Segura?

  You gave us miles?

• 1:32:56Speaker 15

  Just like your country.

• 1:32:57Speaker 16

  Yeah.

• 1:32:58Tom Segura?

  Fuck, man.

• 1:32:59Speaker 16

  No, you didn't. You're welcome. They took the country. Yeah, we took it.

• 1:33:03Speaker 15

  No, we gave it to them because they made us.

• 1:33:04Speaker 16

  No, I remember once my friend goes to me, do you want to go to Paul Revere's house? I'm like, no, no, I don't. Why do I want to go to a fucking snitch's house? Why do I go to a snitch's house? This is a guy who betrayed my country.

• 1:33:18Tom Segura?

  He sure did.

• 1:33:18Speaker 16

  Yeah, he did.

• 1:33:19Speaker 15

  Welcome to the traitor museum.

• 1:33:20Speaker 16

  Yeah. Do you do tea time? Do we do? I love a cup of tea. Do you do Earl Grey?

• 1:33:26Tom Segura?

  How do you take your tea?

• 1:33:28Speaker 16

  All right, it's got to be, look, and there's an art. Like, yeah, like a real man. There's an art to tea.

• 1:33:33Tom Segura?

  Yes.

• 1:33:33Speaker 16

  And you gringos, eh?

• 1:33:35Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:33:36Speaker 16

  You don't do it properly.

• 1:33:37Tom Segura?

  We definitely don't.

• 1:33:37Speaker 16

  No, you don't.

• 1:33:38Tom Segura?

  A mi meus son cafe.

• 1:33:39Speaker 16

  Cafe, verdad, es mejor como, sí, sí, los latinos como así. But no, so you've got, this is how it's done, all right? And this is very important. Bag in first.

• 1:33:49Tom Segura?

  Bag in first.

• 1:33:50Speaker 16

  Bag in.

• 1:33:51Speaker 15

  Tea bag.

• 1:33:51Speaker 16

  Yeah, tea.

• 1:33:53Tom Segura?

  You dip your bag.

• 1:33:53Speaker 15

  Look, the Americans.

• 1:33:54Speaker 16

  We get it. Hot water.

• 1:33:57Tom Segura?

  Uh huh.

• 1:33:58Speaker 16

  Yeah. Up to about.

• 1:33:59Tom Segura?

  So far, I'm following you.

• 1:34:01Speaker 16

  Right, okay. I would say it's three, I'd say seven eighths of the way of the cut of the mug.

• 1:34:06Speaker 15

  Seven eighths?

• 1:34:07Speaker 16

  You seven eighths, look, you've got to be specific.

• 1:34:09Tom Segura?

  Okay.

• 1:34:10Speaker 16

  Right? It's about 12 seconds, you take the bag out. 12 seconds?

• 1:34:14Tom Segura?

  Wait, you leave the bag in for 12 seconds?

• 1:34:15Speaker 16

  That's nothing. Yeah, no, but it's nice. And then a little splash of milk.

• 1:34:20Tom Segura?

  Uh huh, what kind of milk?

• 1:34:22Speaker 16

  There's only one kind of, I'm not talking fucking nut juice, Tom.

• 1:34:25Tom Segura?

  Okay, alright, alright.

• 1:34:26Speaker 16

  Okay, and then.

• 1:34:27Tom Segura?

  You're fucking British, I didn't know.

• 1:34:28Speaker 16

  Quick stir, serve.

• 1:34:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  Ew.

• 1:34:30Tom Segura?

  I'm most fascinated by the amount of time that the tea bag is in.

• 1:34:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  Twelve.

• 1:34:34Speaker 16

  About twelve seconds, that's all you need. That's all you need, otherwise you're gonna stew the tea.

• 1:34:40Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, I don't believe this.

• 1:34:42Speaker 15

  I just have mine black. I'm progressive. It's actually the Russian thing.

• 1:34:46Tom Segura?

  No wait, which type of tea, like, bag would you prefer?

• 1:34:49Speaker 16

  So.

• 1:34:50Tom Segura?

  Because obviously there's a lot you can choose from.

• 1:34:51Speaker 16

  In the UK, we call it builders.

• 1:34:53Tom Segura?

  Builders.

• 1:34:54Speaker 15

  Builders tea.

• 1:34:55Speaker 16

  Builders tea.

• 1:34:55Tom Segura?

  Which is.

• 1:34:56Speaker 15

  If a builder comes around to your house.

• 1:34:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:34:58Speaker 15

  That's what you give him.

• 1:34:59Christina Pazsitzky?

  Find it, would you please? Builders tea.

• 1:35:02Speaker 15

  Yeah, it's not a brand, like, there's a shit ton of them, but.

• 1:35:05Tom Segura?

  Okay.

• 1:35:05Speaker 15

  Builders tea, yeah.

• 1:35:06Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh.

• 1:35:07Tom Segura?

  Oh, so it is a black tea, though?

• 1:35:08Speaker 15

  It's just a black tea.

• 1:35:09Christina Pazsitzky?

  Like, all grey?

• 1:35:10Speaker 15

  Cheap black tea, no, not all grey.

• 1:35:11Tom Segura?

  Twelve seconds, you let it steep in there for us.

• 1:35:13Speaker 16

  Yeah, and then you take it out, and then a little splash of milk, stir, serve.

• 1:35:18Tom Segura?

  That's perfect.

• 1:35:18Speaker 16

  That's perfect.

• 1:35:19Tom Segura?

  Okay. And that's what you want for your afternoon tea? Or any time of day?

• 1:35:23Speaker 15

  Any time of day.

• 1:35:23Speaker 16

  Any time of day.

• 1:35:24Speaker 15

  Yeah.

• 1:35:24Tom Segura?

  Do you start your day with a cup of tea?

• 1:35:26Speaker 16

  I sometimes start my day with a cup of tea, so here's a little fact for you.

• 1:35:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  How do you shit? It doesn't even make you shit.

• 1:35:32Speaker 15

  Yeah. I'm a coffee guy for that very reason. Well, it's either coffee or Austin water, both will do the job. Austin tap water, fuck my life, what is in that?

• 1:35:40Tom Segura?

  I've never had it.

• 1:35:41Speaker 15

  Yeah.

• 1:35:41Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:35:42Speaker 15

  Correct decision.

• 1:35:43Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:35:43Speaker 15

  Yeah. We drink tap water back home, so the first time we arrived, it was like, it's three days later.

• 1:35:48Tom Segura?

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:35:49Speaker 16

  Yeah.

• 1:35:49Speaker 15

  Very, very purged, thank you.

• 1:35:50Tom Segura?

  There's like, three cities in America that I would drink tap water from, yeah.

• 1:35:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, it's not one of them.

• 1:35:55Tom Segura?

  And this isn't one of them.

• 1:35:56Speaker 15

  Fuck, no.

• 1:35:57Speaker 16

  New York tap water, my god.

• 1:35:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's what they say, but that's what the New Yorkers say to fool you into drinking that shit. You trust that?

• 1:36:03Tom Segura?

  He loves it.

• 1:36:04Speaker 16

  I love it.

• 1:36:06Tom Segura?

  Don't take away his joy.

• 1:36:07Christina Pazsitzky?

  Sorry, don't drink LA's either.

• 1:36:09Speaker 16

  Really?

• 1:36:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  No fucking way, dude, I grew up there, no way.

• 1:36:12Tom Segura?

  Do you wanna give him access to it?

• 1:36:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  All right, Mr. Folsdott, Mr. Kissinger, are you ready?

• 1:36:18Speaker 15

  Kissinger.

• 1:36:19Tom Segura?

  Wow.

• 1:36:20Speaker 15

  You're putting me quite in the camera on them.

• 1:36:22Christina Pazsitzky?

  Governor, how do you say it? Kisin?

• 1:36:24Speaker 15

  Kisin.

• 1:36:24Christina Pazsitzky?

  Kisin?

• 1:36:25Speaker 15

  Kisin.

• 1:36:25Christina Pazsitzky?

  The right way.

• 1:36:26Speaker 15

  You said it the right.

• 1:36:27Christina Pazsitzky?

  Kisin.

• 1:36:27Speaker 15

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:36:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, but say it the Soviet way.

• 1:36:30Speaker 15

  Kisin.

• 1:36:31Christina Pazsitzky?

  Kisin.

• 1:36:31Speaker 15

  Yeah.

• 1:36:32Christina Pazsitzky?

  This is better, okay.

• 1:36:33Speaker 15

  Okay.

• 1:36:33Christina Pazsitzky?

  I don't know if you guys know this, but I am a curator of TikToks, and I like to focus on the marginalized communities. These are people that are underrepresented, the outliers. I like to give these people a voice.

• 1:36:44Speaker 16

  Good for you.

• 1:36:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  Okay, go ahead, Tom.

• 1:36:48Tom Segura?

  It's a nice way of introducing them to it.

• 1:36:51Speaker 18

  Just email me your email saying you want my address and I will send you anything. Just mail me a thousand dollars for the hotel idea, fifty for the shirt idea, and I will give it to you.

• 1:37:06Speaker 05

  Are you in?

• 1:37:07Speaker 15

  Is this an OnlyFans promo?

• 1:37:11Speaker 05

  No, it's just on TikTok.

• 1:37:12Speaker 15

  Okay.

• 1:37:13Tom Segura?

  This seems like it's a message for one person, but.

• 1:37:17Tom Segura?

  Your reaction, by the way, just so you know, is how you're supposed to react.

• 1:37:21Speaker 15

  Right.

• 1:37:21Tom Segura?

  Just so you know.

• 1:37:22Speaker 15

  Yeah.

• 1:37:23Tom Segura?

  You're not missing something.

• 1:37:23Speaker 15

  Yeah, I feel like I'm missing something here.

• 1:37:25Tom Segura?

  Nope.

• 1:37:26Speaker 05

  No.

• 1:37:26Speaker 15

  No, okay.

• 1:37:26Speaker 05

  No.

• 1:37:27Speaker 15

  All right.

• 1:37:27Tom Segura?

  Okay.

• 1:37:29Speaker 16

  Jesus Christ.

• 1:37:32Speaker 16

  Oh my god. Hello, love. My eyes.

• 1:37:36Speaker 15

  Do you know what?

• 1:37:36Tom Segura?

  The marginalized community.

• 1:37:37Speaker 16

  My eyes.

• 1:37:38Speaker 15

  I actually think the internet was a bad idea.

• 1:37:41Speaker 16

  You ever seen a lady shaving a fanny? Come on, Francis, look at me. She looks like one of the dinner ladies from school.

• 1:37:49Speaker 15

  Yeah.

• 1:37:50Speaker 16

  Oh my god. That's right, Francis. Look over here, look at the butterfly.

• 1:37:55Speaker 15

  Dreams have come true, my friend.

• 1:37:56Speaker 16

  I'm just shaving me minj.

• 1:37:57Tom Segura?

  Yeah. Smash your pass, Francis.

• 1:38:01Speaker 05

  Is that what they call it? Me minj.

• 1:38:03Speaker 16

  Me minj.

• 1:38:05Tom Segura?

  So you're in.

• 1:38:06Speaker 15

  Oh dear, of course.

• 1:38:07Speaker 16

  Yeah. Oh my god.

• 1:38:13Tom Segura?

  Just so you both know, Christina put this together.

• 1:38:16Speaker 15

  Yeah.

• 1:38:17Speaker 16

  Yeah, I can see that.

• 1:38:18Christina Pazsitzky?

  I feel as though I should justify these fines. For 20 years, my husband has been torturing me with clips of cool guys being like, "Girl, I wanna eat your pussy." Why don't you show them the kind of stuff that you fucking... Show them the opener from today.

• 1:38:32Tom Segura?

  Let me see, I'll show you.

• 1:38:33Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's so awful. 20 years of this, so now I'm finally...

• 1:38:36Speaker 19

  You're not a real eater if you don't eat the balls too.

• 1:38:49Speaker 15

  That's the best advice message for grind I've ever seen.

• 1:38:53Speaker 19

  Boy, yesterday was my birthday. Oh my goodness, had two shorties come over here. They left with wet asses, glue all in their hair. Matter of fact, I think one of them went had to go to emergency there. Some shit was in her eyes. She couldn't get right and shit and they left out of here with bloodshot eye, shit all in the hair.

• 1:39:12Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:39:12Speaker 19

  Wet asses.

• 1:39:13Tom Segura?

  Yep, we said it already.

• 1:39:14Speaker 19

  I said, next time you come over here, don't think you gonna play with Anki. I'll hammer your ass down.

• 1:39:20Tom Segura?

  That's America right there, man.

• 1:39:21Speaker 15

  What a gentleman.

• 1:39:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  So.

• 1:39:23Speaker 19

  I want to tell everybody what I just did and don't judge me. I let my woman ride my face in waterfall me and I loved it. Am I wrong for loving the taste of a woman so much? If I am, let me know when you drop David in the comments and hit that like chef say.

• 1:39:44Speaker 19

  Taste so good.

• 1:39:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  I'm gonna fucking throw up.

• 1:39:46Tom Segura?

  So I show her stuff like this to.

• 1:39:48Christina Pazsitzky?

  Twenty years.

• 1:39:49Tom Segura?

  A rouser.

• 1:39:49Christina Pazsitzky?

  And now finally.

• 1:39:51Speaker 19

  Did you ever go down on a girl? Well, I did. Last night.

• 1:40:03Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh dude, dude.

• 1:40:10Tom Segura?

  Triggernometry is a podcast you can listen to.

• 1:40:18Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh man. Let's get back to what I have to show you. So finally TikTok has the great equalizer. Now finally, women are having their chance to express themselves sexually in the same way that men have.

• 1:40:30Speaker 15

  Yeah, I think I'm against that.

• 1:40:33Tom Segura?

  Me too.

• 1:40:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  Why don't you see it? First, we gotta see.

• 1:40:37Tom Segura?

  Jesus Christ.

• 1:40:41Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well.

• 1:40:42Tom Segura?

  Okay.

• 1:40:42Speaker 15

  I like the music.

• 1:40:43Tom Segura?

  The music was cool.

• 1:40:44Speaker 15

  Yeah.

• 1:40:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, how did that make you feel?

• 1:40:46Tom Segura?

  Yeah, I turned on.

• 1:40:47Speaker 15

  Yeah.

• 1:40:48Tom Segura?

  Super aroused.

• 1:40:53Christina Pazsitzky?

  This guy can drink beer through his nose.

• 1:41:05Tom Segura?

  There's so many hidden talents out there. That's impressive.

• 1:41:08Speaker 16

  Yeah, that genuinely is. And you know, when he was 19 years old and he was in college, that was the trick.

• 1:41:14Tom Segura?

  Yeah, yep.

• 1:41:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  Totally. That's when this shit started.

• 1:41:17Tom Segura?

  I'm betting hard against that he went to college.

• 1:41:26Tom Segura?

  But that is a very cool trick that he learned. Asians, man, they're just better at everything.

• 1:41:34Speaker 20

  Üben im Simulationskreis sah. Bei Gebäerpuppe Lucy Schulz ist die Geburt in vollem Gange. Doch nicht alles läuft nach Plan. Ihr Baby kommt mit dem Pofor an auf die Welt.

• 1:41:44Tom Segura?

  Oh, it's a baby?

• 1:41:45Speaker 20

  Eine augegenannte Beckenendlage. Liebame Studentin Caroline Kennt mich, hat so einen Fall noch nie in Echt erlebt. Umso wichtiger, dass sie die Beckenend-

• 1:41:54Tom Segura?

  Do people give birth from this position?

• 1:41:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, yes, I have friends just do it this way.

• 1:41:58Speaker 15

  It's actually a better way to give birth. I'm an expert.

• 1:42:01Tom Segura?

  Is it really?

• 1:42:01Speaker 15

  Yeah, I've done it like three times. No, it's, you're letting gravity do the work, right?

• 1:42:07Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's better than laying on your back and like taking a shit in a bed. Like this way you can take a shit on your baby's head as it's coming out, which is what I prefer to do.

• 1:42:15Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:42:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, but I do imagine this feels better as a woman, like to push beer down.

• 1:42:20Tom Segura?

  Do it, do it again.

• 1:42:20Speaker 15

  Were you there?

• 1:42:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  Fuck, right off.

• 1:42:22Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:42:22Speaker 15

  You were?

• 1:42:23Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:42:23Speaker 15

  What'd you make of it?

• 1:42:24Tom Segura?

  Fucking awesome. All this shit came out and then there was a baby. It was cool.

• 1:42:29Speaker 15

  Yeah.

• 1:42:29Tom Segura?

  Yeah. I mean, it took forever, man. I was just like, get the fuck, push. What are you doing?

• 1:42:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  Lazy.

• 1:42:34Tom Segura?

  Yeah, super lazy.

• 1:42:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  He was eating a breakfast burrito through my first labor, just sitting there.

• 1:42:39Tom Segura?

  Not the whole time.

• 1:42:40Speaker 15

  I imagine she's a bit of a ranta in those moments, right?

• 1:42:45Tom Segura?

  Look, we got in there at 3 a.m., okay? I had to go let the dog out and on my way back-

• 1:42:51Speaker 15

  Priorities.

• 1:42:52Tom Segura?

  I had to get a breakfast burrito.

• 1:42:54Speaker 15

  Right.

• 1:42:54Tom Segura?

  And then I came back and then she's still, I'm like, where's the baby? And she's like, I don't fucking feel it yet. It's like, you know, she took, I don't know how long, hours. It was ridiculous. It was so, so much time.

• 1:43:03Christina Pazsitzky?

  How many kids do you have?

• 1:43:04Speaker 15

  Uh, one.

• 1:43:05Tom Segura?

  Were you there for it?

• 1:43:06Speaker 15

  Yes.

• 1:43:06Tom Segura?

  What'd you think of the miracle of life?

• 1:43:09Speaker 15

  I loved it.

• 1:43:09Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:43:10Speaker 15

  Yeah, I loved it. It was kind of scary though, because when he came out, uh, they, he was either in there for two, I don't remember exact details, but they pulled some kind of fucking ripcord and like about 50 people stormed in. I was just like, I was standing at the wall like this, just like, and then 10 seconds later, oh, he's fine. I was like, well, why did you have to do that fucking thing then?

• 1:43:28Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:43:28Speaker 15

  But anyway, uh, but apart from that, I actually really enjoyed it.

• 1:43:31Christina Pazsitzky?

  Did you really enjoy it?

• 1:43:33Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:43:33Christina Pazsitzky?

  The miracle of life?

• 1:43:34Speaker 15

  I was delighted to be there.

• 1:43:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  This is Tom's reaction to everything. Like, oh, I just gave birth to our children. Go ahead, react.

• 1:43:40Tom Segura?

  Hey.

• 1:43:43Speaker 15

  This burrito is good.

• 1:43:43Tom Segura?

  No, they put, uh, they put, uh, put number one under the, uh, the oven, you know, the heat lamp.

• 1:43:48Christina Pazsitzky?

  Ellis, our son.

• 1:43:50Tom Segura?

  Right, the first one.

• 1:43:51Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:43:51Tom Segura?

  And then, um.

• 1:43:52Speaker 15

  Oven is an interesting term.

• 1:43:55Tom Segura?

  And I was like, what's up, little dude? We, we could get, he grabbed my finger. That was adorable.

• 1:43:59Christina Pazsitzky?

  That was good.

• 1:44:00Speaker 15

  Yeah.

• 1:44:00Tom Segura?

  The best was bringing him to see Julian, number two. And, um, Julian was in the, in like the, the little bed and, and I held Ellis. Ellis was like two and a half and we looked down. I go, that's your brother. And he was like, let's go.

• 1:44:16Tom Segura?

  Don't bring that shit home. I was like, oh, he's coming home.

• 1:44:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  Can I tell you something though? Like, did your wife shit while she was pushing?

• 1:44:23Speaker 15

  I feel like it's a private information, but yes.

• 1:44:25Christina Pazsitzky?

  Okay, so I think it's very normal. I pushed out both of our boys.

• 1:44:29Speaker 15

  Yeah.

• 1:44:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  He claims I never shit the bed.

• 1:44:33Speaker 15

  Who claims?

• 1:44:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  He does.

• 1:44:34Speaker 15

  Oh, right.

• 1:44:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  He was there watching me push for hours and hours.

• 1:44:37Speaker 15

  No, but that's a good, no, no, that, that's how you know it's about to come out, isn't it?

• 1:44:41Christina Pazsitzky?

  Dude, yes.

• 1:44:41Speaker 15

  That's what the midwife said. Oh, she, the shit is coming. Yes, here we go. The shit is here.

• 1:44:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, yeah.

• 1:44:47Tom Segura?

  I didn't, I didn't see shit come out, man. I don't know what to tell you. She keeps asking me. I'm like, I didn't see it. I didn't see shit. Now I saw a bunch of, you know.

• 1:44:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  Blood, placenta.

• 1:44:57Tom Segura?

  Fluid and everything come out when the baby came out.

• 1:44:59Speaker 15

  It's beautiful. If anyone's listening, it's, it's a great experience.

• 1:45:02Tom Segura?

  Yeah, you should do it a lot.

• 1:45:03Speaker 15

  We're selling it well.

• 1:45:04Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:45:04Speaker 15

  Yeah.

• 1:45:05Tom Segura?

  And then, and then, yeah, then the baby, but I didn't, I didn't see shit come out. And she's always like, tell me the truth. I'm like, I didn't see shit.

• 1:45:11Christina Pazsitzky?

  He's lying to me.

• 1:45:11Speaker 15

  Why does it matter so much?

• 1:45:12Christina Pazsitzky?

  He's lying to me.

• 1:45:13Tom Segura?

  Yeah, I don't know why.

• 1:45:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  Because I'm, I didn't, because when you're doing that, I just need to know if I shit or not. I just want to know the truth. I feel like I didn't. I wanna, I wanna go back in time and, and look at it now with a mirror. Like, I wish I would put a fucking mirror there so I could see what's happening.

• 1:45:28Speaker 15

  I feel like you're misallocating your focus a little bit.

• 1:45:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, tell me, what do you mean?

• 1:45:32Speaker 15

  Well, you had a baby and then a little shit came out, like.

• 1:45:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  But I wanna see the shit come out. I wanna know it existed. I don't know why.

• 1:45:40Tom Segura?

  You see what she picks.

• 1:45:41Speaker 15

  Yeah, that's fair.

• 1:45:42Speaker 16

  Yeah, it's fair, yeah.

• 1:45:43Speaker 15

  Yeah, alright. Well, let's get, let's get to the bottom of the shit question.

• 1:45:47Speaker 16

  We've got a friend of ours who's a comedian, when he was present for the birth of his first child, he actually fainted.

• 1:45:54Speaker 15

  He did?

• 1:45:55Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh.

• 1:45:55Speaker 16

  Yeah, he literally fainted.

• 1:45:57Christina Pazsitzky?

  Like in the movies.

• 1:45:57Tom Segura?

  Watching it, watching it come out?

• 1:45:59Speaker 16

  Yeah, yeah, he just went.

• 1:46:00Tom Segura?

  Wow.

• 1:46:01Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh.

• 1:46:01Speaker 15

  Guy.

• 1:46:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:46:03Speaker 15

  A little bit, you know?

• 1:46:04Speaker 16

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:46:05Tom Segura?

  Yeah, that's mad.

• 1:46:05Speaker 15

  Come on, man up.

• 1:46:06Speaker 16

  Yeah.

• 1:46:06Christina Pazsitzky?

  Man up, dude.

• 1:46:08Speaker 16

  That wouldn't, that, you wouldn't want that as a woman, would you?

• 1:46:10Speaker 15

  You're not gonna get any sympathy from your woman for that, are you?

• 1:46:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  No. Yeah, I probably would be.

• 1:46:15Speaker 15

  What would you do if he fainted?

• 1:46:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  Fucking fuck. Yeah, I'd be like, you're such a bitch. Get over here, dude. Yeah, I probably, honestly, in that moment, because you're so angry, because you've already been pregnant for nine months, you've already gone through it all, and now I'm giving birth and you can't even fucking stand there?

• 1:46:30Speaker 15

  Yeah.

• 1:46:31Christina Pazsitzky?

  Do you know what I'm saying? Like, fucking stand there, bro.

• 1:46:33Tom Segura?

  I did, and I'm hungry. Fucking hungry. Hospital didn't have shit for us to eat.

• 1:46:40Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, they should have better things to eat in hospitals. And they should have a bed for the dad to sleep in, too. They just give you guys that couch.

• 1:46:46Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:46:47Speaker 16

  But you know how you were just like number one, and you're like, the name is, that's a very Latin thing?

• 1:46:52Tom Segura?

  Yes.

• 1:46:53Speaker 16

  It's so Latin.

• 1:46:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  To not know your kids?

• 1:46:55Speaker 16

  Yeah, my mom goes to me, yeah, my mom, my mom goes to me, ven aquí, which means come here. She goes, Ivan, Pedro, Luis Manuel, those are the names of her brothers.

• 1:47:06Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:47:06Speaker 16

  Then she goes through the names of the cousins, and then she goes, you, what, what, muchacho, whatever your name is, yeah? Come here. I'm like, mom, I'm an only child.

• 1:47:15Tom Segura?

  It's just me.

• 1:47:16Speaker 16

  Yeah, it's just me, literally, and you can't learn the name.

• 1:47:20Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:47:20Speaker 16

  She goes, I know too many people.

• 1:47:22Tom Segura?

  I do too. I do too.

• 1:47:23Speaker 16

  Yeah.

• 1:47:24Tom Segura?

  I always say the big one and the little one.

• 1:47:25Speaker 16

  Yeah.

• 1:47:26Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:47:27Speaker 16

  That's how you do it.

• 1:47:28Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:47:28Speaker 16

  Yeah, come here.

• 1:47:29Tom Segura?

  El flaco, el otro, yeah.

• 1:47:33Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's cute.

• 1:47:33Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:47:34Speaker 16

  Yeah.

• 1:47:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  Alright, you gonna show them my other cool stuff?

• 1:47:36Tom Segura?

  Alright, here's it, yeah.

• 1:47:36Christina Pazsitzky?

  This main, okay.

• 1:47:37Speaker 15

  Oh, there's more, okay.

• 1:47:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  I hate this.

• 1:47:41Christina Pazsitzky?

  So this guy.

• 1:47:43Speaker 15

  I like that he keeps checking the camera.

• 1:47:44Christina Pazsitzky?

  Robot that he can fuck and dance with.

• 1:47:47Speaker 15

  I don't think you fucked that one.

• 1:47:48Tom Segura?

  Nah.

• 1:47:49Speaker 15

  That is incredibly unappealing.

• 1:47:50Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:47:53Speaker 15

  He's a good dance partner. I mean, if our girlfriends are coming, then you job their game. Yeah.

• 1:47:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  I hated it so much.

• 1:47:59Speaker 15

  This is the one that she really wanted to show you, though. Okay, here we go.

• 1:48:02Speaker 13

  Chernobyl or Hungarian hospital? I see that this building is in a quite bad condition and to be fair, it looks completely abandoned. So I'm quite certain that this is Chernobyl. This is a Hungarian hospital. Wow, this building looks like it went through a lot. I don't think that this is in Hungary. Even for Hungary, this would be way too bad. So I'm gonna go with Chernobyl. I get freaked, but this is a Hungarian hospital too. I would say that this looks bad, but it's pretty standard for toilets in Hungarian hospitals to look like this or be in similar conditions. So I'm gonna go with Hungarian hospital on this one.

• 1:48:45Speaker 13

  And this is indeed a Hungarian hospital. This building doesn't even have walls, so it must be Chernobyl. If you guessed Chernobyl here like I did, then you were wrong. This is a Hungarian hospital.

• 1:48:57Speaker 15

  Okay, yep.

• 1:48:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  There you go. Is Russia any better than this, though?

• 1:49:01Speaker 15

  I haven't been back to Russia for a long time, but I used to go to Ukraine quite a lot. And that's exactly what toilets in a Ukrainian hospital look like. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:49:10Tom Segura?

  Wow.

• 1:49:11Speaker 15

  This is the most American podcast. Hey, guys, you're so poor. Look at you.

• 1:49:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  That sucks, man.

• 1:49:17Speaker 15

  Can't even afford a motherfucking hospital.

• 1:49:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, I just...

• 1:49:19Speaker 15

  At least it's her mother country, though.

• 1:49:20Christina Pazsitzky?

  This is my... It's only because I don't think Americans understand sometimes.

• 1:49:25Speaker 15

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:49:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  And they're like, who the fuck this country? Like, I was getting on the freeway and I saw graffiti. It was like, America's fascist. It's like, no, it's not, not truly. You guys don't know what the fuck you're talking about. Why don't you spend some time in a Hungarian hospital and get back to it?

• 1:49:39Speaker 15

  There's a lot of people don't know how good they have it. Oh, 100%, man.

• 1:49:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's what I'm saying.

• 1:49:43Speaker 15

  No, no, I totally get it.

• 1:49:44Christina Pazsitzky?

  Shit.

• 1:49:45Speaker 15

  It really bothers me, actually, how little people understand. I always say, like, if you want to inoculate your children against being retarded, just... Just like have them travel around the world. I feel so grateful that I have family I can visit in like poorer parts of the world and Ukraine and Armenia and other places. Cause that is like a vaccine against stupidity. A vaccine against ingratitude, a vaccine against this shit of like, America and Britain is so terrible. And look, sometimes, you know, countries go in a bad direction, but still, we are so lucky.

• 1:50:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  Still.

• 1:50:17Speaker 15

  Incredibly lucky.

• 1:50:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  Still at the top of the food chain, bros. Like, you wanna be born on this side of the thing.

• 1:50:22Speaker 15

  You do not want a toilet like that.

• 1:50:24Christina Pazsitzky?

  Fuck. So should we take the kids to Hungary this summer is what I'm thinking.

• 1:50:28Speaker 15

  No.

• 1:50:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  When's a good age to start taking them to show them the plight?

• 1:50:32Speaker 15

  How old are yours?

• 1:50:32Christina Pazsitzky?

  Ten and seven.

• 1:50:33Speaker 15

  Yeah.

• 1:50:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  Right about now.

• 1:50:35Speaker 15

  Oh, right about now.

• 1:50:36Christina Pazsitzky?

  Maybe go to Budapest this summer.

• 1:50:38Speaker 15

  Budapest is actually really nice.

• 1:50:40Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, I know. Budapest is beautiful.

• 1:50:41Speaker 15

  Take them to hospital.

• 1:50:42Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:50:43Tom Segura?

  I'll be in San Tropez, you guys.

• 1:50:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  We gotta go. But everybody buy Francis Foster's new book, Uneducated.

• 1:50:52Tom Segura?

  Yes, please.

• 1:50:53Christina Pazsitzky?

  My Life as a Teacher. Why You Should Never Become One. Amazing.

• 1:50:57Tom Segura?

  And listen to Triggernometry everywhere you can get podcasts. What's your favorite place for people to access the show? YouTube. YouTube. Watch it on YouTube. Thank you guys both for coming in. It's a pleasure.

• 1:51:07Speaker 15

  Thanks for having us. It was awesome.

• 1:51:08Tom Segura?

  And I hope you have some brisket while you're in town.

• 1:51:11Speaker 15

  Always.

• 1:51:12Tom Segura?

  Always. Thanks. Good. All right. We'll see you guys next time. Bye.

• 1:51:34Speaker 21

  Slow down, Mr. Cass.

• 1:51:37Speaker 21

  I can understand.

• 1:51:44Speaker 21

  You're speaking English in a Spanish cadence, which is always perilous for me. Slow down, Mr. Cass.

• 1:51:50Speaker 22

  How you say, how you say, how you say cucumber? How you say, how you say, how you say cucumber? How you say, how you say, how you say cucumber? How you say, how you say, how you say cucumber?

• 1:52:11Speaker 21

  I said, you fucking, I can have a break, you fucking, I can...

• 1:52:14Speaker 22

  This is why, yes, we'll have to let the dude just pat him out of the show.

• 1:52:19Speaker 21

  Snap, snap, snap your fucking neck, snap, snap. Do you know that, don't you? Don't you?

• 1:52:26Speaker 23

  When I'm talking, you're not fucking.

• 1:52:27Speaker 21

  Snap, snap.

• 1:52:28Speaker 23

  When I'm talking, you're not fucking.

• 1:52:29Speaker 21

  Snap, snap, snap.

• 1:52:31Speaker 23

  When I'm talking, you're not fucking.

• 1:52:32Speaker 21

  Snap, snap.

• 1:52:33Speaker 23

  When I'm talking, you're not fucking.

• 1:52:34Speaker 21

  I'd snap your fucking neck.

• 1:52:46Speaker 23

  When I'm talking, you're not fucking.

• 1:52:47Speaker 21

  Snap, snap.

• 1:52:48Speaker 23

  When I'm talking, you're not fucking.

• 1:52:50Speaker 21

  Snap, snap, snap.

• 1:52:51Speaker 23

  When I'm talking, you're not fucking.

• 1:52:52Speaker 21

  Snap, snap.

• 1:52:53Speaker 23

  When I'm talking, you're not fucking.

• 1:52:55Speaker 21

  I'd snap your fucking neck.

• 1:52:56Speaker 23

  When I'm talking, you're not fucking.

• 1:52:57Speaker 21

  Snap, snap.

• 1:52:58Speaker 23

  When I'm talking, you're not fucking.

• 1:53:00Speaker 21

  Snap, snap, snap.

• 1:53:01Speaker 23

  When I'm talking, you're not fucking.

• 1:53:02Speaker 21

  Snap, snap.

• 1:53:04Speaker 23

  When I'm talking, you're not fucking.

• 1:53:05Speaker 21

  I'd snap your fucking neck.

• 1:53:11Speaker 22

  How you say? How you say? How you say? Cucumber? How you say? How you say? How you say? Cucumber? How you say? How you say? How you say? Cucumber? How you say? How you say? How you say? Cucumber?

• 1:53:31Speaker 21

  I'd snap your fucking neck and I'd break your fucking neck.

• 1:53:35Speaker 24

  This is why yes, we'll have to like to just pat him out of the show.

• 1:53:39Speaker 21

  Snap, snap, snap, snap. Snap your fucking neck, snap, snap. Do you know that, don't you? Don't you?

• 1:53:47Speaker 23

  When I'm talking, you're not fucking.

• 1:53:48Speaker 21

  Snap, snap.

• 1:53:49Speaker 23

  When I'm talking, you're not fucking.

• 1:53:50Speaker 21

  Snap, snap, snap.

• 1:53:52Speaker 23

  When I'm talking, you're not fucking.

• 1:53:53Speaker 21

  Snap, snap.

• 1:53:54Speaker 23

  When I'm talking, you're not fucking.

• 1:53:55Speaker 21

  I'd snap your fucking neck.

• 1:53:57Speaker 23

  When I'm talking, you're not fucking.

• 1:53:58Speaker 21

  Snap, snap.

• 1:53:59Speaker 23

  When I'm talking, you're not fucking.

• 1:54:00Speaker 21

  Snap, snap, snap.

• 1:54:02Speaker 23

  When I'm talking, you're not fucking.

• 1:54:03Speaker 21

  Snap, snap.

• 1:54:04Speaker 23

  When I'm talking, you're not fucking.

• 1:54:05Speaker 21

  I'd snap your fucking neck.

• 1:54:07Speaker 23

  When I'm talking, you're not fucking.

• 1:54:08Speaker 21

  Snap, snap.

• 1:54:09Speaker 23

  When I'm talking, you're not fucking.

• 1:54:11Speaker 21

  Snap, snap, snap.

• 1:54:12Speaker 23

  When I'm talking, you're not fucking.

• 1:54:13Speaker 21

  Snap, snap.

• 1:54:14Speaker 23

  When I'm talking, you're not fucking.

• 1:54:16Speaker 21

  I'd snap your fucking neck.

• 1:54:22Speaker 22

  How you say? How you say? How you say? Cucumber? How you say? How you say? How you say? Cucumber? How you say? How you say? How you say? Cucumber? How you say? How you say? How you say? Cucumber?

• 1:54:42Speaker 21

  I'd snap your fucking neck and I'd break your fucking leg.

• 1:54:46Speaker 24

  This is why, yes, we'll have to let the justice pad him out of the show.

• 1:54:50Speaker 21

  Snap, snap, snap, snap. Snap your fucking neck, snap, snap. Do you know that, don't you? Don't you?

• 1:54:57Speaker 22

  When I'm talking, you're not talking.

• 1:54:59Speaker 21

  Snap, snap.

• 1:55:00Speaker 22

  When I'm talking, you're not talking.

• 1:55:01Speaker 21

  Snap, snap, snap.

• 1:55:02Speaker 22

  When I'm talking, you're not talking.

• 1:55:04Speaker 21

  Snap, snap.

• 1:55:05Speaker 22

  When I'm talking, you're not talking.

• 1:55:06Speaker 21

  I'd snap your fucking neck.

• 1:55:11Speaker 25

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