944 Matthew Hussey: Breakup, Healing, and Dating Advice During Isolation

“Are you in love with a person's presence or absence?”QUESTIONSWhat is your energy around managing relationships during this difficult time? (2:42)What do you say to relationships going through trouble during this time? (12:41)How do you create music in a relationship if there’s no in between? (15:52)What is the thing you need to do to improve when you’re single and when you’re in a relationship? (46:16)YOU WILL LEARNHow being mindful and creating space can help in relationships (5:23)How important engineering space is to a relationship (17:12)How partners can provide time for each other (22:25)How to manage heartbreak (25:15)How to handle solitude and loneliness during this time (38:57)How active attention can help in improving emotional intelligence (49:36)How to create useful hours and active leisure during the pandemic (56:31)How to use care with creativity in dating (101:23)How to help your lovelife and love life (107:12)LINKS MENTIONEDHow to Get the Guy ProgramsIf you enjoyed this episode, show notes and more at http://www.lewishowes.com/944 and follow at instagram.com/lewishowes Get more from Lewis! Get my New York Times Bestselling book, Make Money Easy! Get The Greatness Mindset audiobook on SpotifyText Lewis AIYouTubeInstagramWebsiteTiktokFacebookX

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Lewis Howes?

  This is episode number 944 with New York Times bestselling author Matthew Hussey. Welcome to the School of Greatness. My name is Lewis Howes, former pro athlete turned lifestyle entrepreneur. And each week, we bring you an inspiring person or message to help you discover how to unlock your inner greatness. Thanks for spending some time with me today. Now let the class begin.

• 0:33Lewis Howes?

  Liz Gilbert said, someday you're going to look back on this moment of your life as such a sweet time of grieving. You'll see that you were in mourning and your heart was broken, but your life was changing. Oh, what an interesting time we are in right now for relationships, for couples, for people that are breaking up in relationships, for people in long distance relationships, for people living in isolation together. Ooh, it's interesting. There's challenges. There's upset. There's hurt. There's pain. There's beauty. There's magic. There's all of it. And we're going to look back on this moment and realize that we learned a lot about ourselves. There are some things we didn't like about ourselves. Maybe we didn't like about our partner.

• 1:17Lewis Howes?

  And we had to realize we had to elevate and learn to communicate and learn to have passion and patience in a different type of form. And I wanted to bring on my good friend and top expert on relationships for women in the world. His name is Matthew Hussey. He is a favorite here over at the School of Greatness. We've had him on a couple of times before, and I just said, I gotta bring him back because so many people are reaching out to me and talking about the challenges they're having in their relationships. And I said, you know what? I'm figuring it out as we go. And I'm going to bring on an expert who can really give us some guidance, some tools, some inspiration, some, some things we can think on.

• 1:58Lewis Howes?

  And also just not beat ourselves up so much because this is a time that no one has experienced before. This is an uncertain time, and with uncertainty comes a lot of stress and anxiety. So. Now, don't beat yourself up and continue to use this time to practice, to learn, to, to, to grieve, to love, to figure yourself out. This is all about learning how to grow and how to become a better human being. And relationships are the key to success in life. And if your relationships are suffering or struggling, then your life is probably going to be struggling as well. My friend Matthew Hussey is a New York Times bestselling author,

• 2:38Lewis Howes?

  one of the top speakers out there in the world, entrepreneur and human dynamics specialist. He's got his own radio show called Love Life with Matthew Hussey on iHeartRadio. And he is got one of the top YouTube channels in the world, some of the best content I've ever seen, and one of the best out there on relationships. MatthewHussey.com is where he's built his global brand over the last 12 years. And his YouTube videos have been viewed almost a half a billion times. He's got weekly videos that reach eight million followers. His newsletter has two million readers daily, and more than 100,000 people have attended his sold out tours. In this interview,

• 3:19Lewis Howes?

  we talked about my personal relationship and the struggles of growth that have come from quarantine. Talk about the power of communication with your partner and how it will benefit your relationship, even when you don't want to say certain things. The benefits of living with your partner right now, and how it will give you a chance to get to know them in ways you haven't known them before. How to create personal space when you're living and working with loved ones. This is big, especially when you have a small space. Advice Matthew has for people who are feeling lonely right now, or just went through an emotional breakup. The two types of recovery in relationships, the hangover and the athlete method, and so much more. I'm

• 4:01Lewis Howes?

  so excited about this one. If you have a friend of yours in a relationship who might be struggling right now, please send them this link, LewisHowes.com/944. Text this to your friends and say you've got to listen to this episode. And at any time you're listening during this, please take a Shot of this where you're listening, post it on your Instagram story, tag me, tag Matthew Hussey, as I'm sure he'd love to hear feedback on the advice he's giving you during this time. And you can truly change the lives of your friends by sharing this with them. You never know who might be struggling, who might going through a hard time. So send some love to a friend, send them this link, lewishouse.com/944. All about mastering relationships during this time.

• 4:51Lewis Howes?

  Welcome everyone to the School of Greatness Podcast. We've got my man, New York Times bestselling author, the best love coach in the world, Matthew Hussey in the house. Good to see you, man.

• 5:01Matthew Hussey?

  What's going on?

• 5:02Lewis Howes?

  Super pumped about this. We are unfortunately not able to do this in person right now because of what's happening in the world, but we, we have been friends for what, five years now, probably?

• 5:13Matthew Hussey?

  Yeah.

• 5:14Lewis Howes?

  Just went to Poland together a few months ago and did some crazy Wim Hof breathing, mindset, cold therapy with a group of guys. We, we try to connect in LA every month or two when we're both in town, but I miss you, man. I can't wait to give you a hug soon.

• 5:29Matthew Hussey?

  I miss you too. It's, it's been, it's just, everyone says it, right? It's such a bizarre time, but, and it's funny, I never, never imagined you and I doing this up the street from each other.

• 5:43Lewis Howes?

  I know.

• 5:44Matthew Hussey?

  In our respective isolations. Yeah.

• 5:47Lewis Howes?

  Exactly, man. But it's all good. And, you know, I've been, I've been in an interesting time in my life because I was dating someone long distance for a year who lived in Mexico. You, you know, Jeanette and was dating her long distance. Then she moved in at the, essentially in January, the beginning of the year. We had six weeks, eight weeks of challenges of just how to live together. How, who's responsible for what, who, what expectations to have? You know, learning how to communicate with someone long distance is much different than learning how to communicate, living together. So I felt like we went through a phase of, okay, this is our test to see how can we be patient? How can we learn to communicate better?

• 6:33Lewis Howes?

  How can I improve? How can she improve? All that stuff? And it got to a good place, then quarantine. And then new things came up. Okay, we have different challenges and adversities and learning to communicate even more and routines and spacing and all these different things. And I feel like we just, two weeks ago, were able to really communicate and get to the root of so many things that I think a lot of relationships have challenges with where they don't actually deal with the root cause of what's happening, why someone's truly upset in the moment, why someone's truly frustrated. And I'm sure more is gonna come up and I haven't like had this perfect relationship, but I feel like we have this understanding

• 7:16Lewis Howes?

  now. And I feel really grateful, at least in this moment. But there are a lot of people in the world are struggling in a big way, uh, who are in relationships, long distance relationships and also living together now, who can't leave. I'm curious, what's your overall just feeling and energy around this as the guy who's helping a lot of women, uh, manage and navigate these relationships? What's kind of your overall thoughts before we get started on all this?

• 7:44Matthew Hussey?

  Well, I suppose before I, I answer that, I, I am curious, do you feel that in your relationship, being in this situation precipitated a conversation and a depth of communication that wouldn't otherwise have occurred?

• 8:01Lewis Howes?

  I think we were pretty open with each other already. I think we need to be because of a language barrier. She's pretty fluent in English, but Spanish is her first language. So we have a lot of body language, a lot of needing to over communicate because one word that I might say, she could think of something completely different just based on her perception of that word. So I've had to learn just how to have patience, how to not react if she gets worried of something I said that isn't what I meant, all these things that normal guys don't have to deal with. I'm doing it like even extra. Uh, so I feel like I've already been super mindful of moving in and needing to over communicate.

• 8:43Lewis Howes?

  And during this time, I've just said to myself, this is a very stressful for her. I can feel and sense the worry. I can feel the fear and anxiety, her being away from her family, just everything, the scare of it all. And so I have just committed to saying, I'm going to be overly patient, overly communicating, and overly understanding during this time and not hold anything against her, not be frustrated if she's not calmer in certain moments, or if she's overreacting for whatever reason, which she's not overreacting, just I can sense the worry sometimes. And I'm just telling myself, like, this is hard for everybody.

• 9:23Matthew Hussey?

  Yeah.

• 9:24Lewis Howes?

  And the more patient I can be now in the hardest of times, or seemingly very hard times, the greater the relationship will be in the future by being more loving, understanding, and patient in adversity, not by freaking out and making her wrong or

• 9:40Matthew Hussey?

  Yeah.

• 9:40Lewis Howes?

  reacting. So that's been kind of my, my commitment to myself and my relationship.

• 9:46Matthew Hussey?

  I think that's great. And I, you know, I think what, one of the things you alluded to, which is really important is

• 9:55Matthew Hussey?

  being mindful of what other people are feeling during this time and creating space for that, as well as doing it for ourselves as well. I've, I woke, I woke up today. I had such a good day yesterday. I like, I got so much done. I like, you know, not that I value every day by how much I get done, but I just, I was so productive and I did creative work that was important to me. I've got a webinar that I'm doing soon and I mapped out the content for that. And, and then I did a bunch of chores. It was like the perfect quarantine day.

• 10:30Lewis Howes?

  Everything got done, cleaned out the house.

• 10:32Matthew Hussey?

  Yeah, exactly, exactly. Then I did laundry. Then I cleaned out my closet and got rid of all these clothes I don't need. And I did all these things. And I went to bed last night and I thought, man, what a great day. I woke up, I've been so grumpy today. I don't like I'm glad I'm getting the best of you, Matthew. You are. Mate, I put on a shirt for you. I love it. Like this twenty. Put your hair up. No, but you know, this, yeah, my hair, this is as good as my hair was gonna get today. I, I, you know, I dolled myself up for a minute to come and do this. But I was, I really had like a grumpy day today and I even said to like a couple of my team, I was like, God, I'm so grumpy. Like, sometimes I think if you're feeling something is actually important, like just point it out and don't give it too much power.

• 11:17Matthew Hussey?

  Like, I'm really irritable today. I'm just like driving me crazy. I'm grumpy today. Because then it's like, I'm, I'm sort of, I'm telling people like, this is sort of where I'm at. I'm struck, I needed to make a video today. I haven't got that video done today. Cause I said to one of my guys, I was like, I know you need that video today, but I'm like, I'm just Not in the mood. Not in the mood. Not in the mood. I don't wanna film this today. Let's do it tomorrow. I knew I could hold a day. There are days when I have to rally and I have to do it anyway, but today I was like, I'm, I'm doing this tomorrow. I'm not in the right place. And I think if we're in a house with somebody, it's super important sometimes just to communicate to that person. This is what I'm experiencing right now, or I'm not, I'm not having my best day today.

• 12:01Matthew Hussey?

  And that allows them to, to kind of maneuver and to figure out, oh, this tact that I normally take with you isn't the right approach for today. There's a different approach that's important for today. It's sort of giving someone a bit of a blueprint, almost, to say. And by the way, sometimes you could go even a step further, because saying to someone, I feel grumpy today, doesn't give them a lot they can do with that information, right? But if you know, I could use this person being a bit gentle with me today, or I could use a person being a little soft with me today, or just spelling that out and not making it about them. Cause what we do is we expect someone to read our mind and know that we're, you know, we need a different approach.

• 12:43Matthew Hussey?

  And then when they don't, we get even more grumpy and we explode and they wonder what the hell's going on. In that moment, saying to them, listen, I'm, I'm like even playfully, not everything has to be serious. I'm like grumpy today. Yeah. As you say it, but like, I'm grumpy today. I'm like, laugh at yourself, like, cause I, today I felt like that. I was like, the things that are making me mad today. Are like some of them irrational, they're yeah, so someone did nothing wrong and it's making me mad. And I was like, you know what, I then let's laugh at this and let's then let's engage other people in my life in this, not ask them to take it on for me, but just laugh at my

• 13:25Lewis Howes?

  Expressing it.

• 13:26Matthew Hussey?

  Yeah. And I think in going one step further sometimes and even saying like, I, you know, you've got to be a bit, be a bit gentle with me today because I'm having one of those days.

• 13:35Lewis Howes?

  I think that's a great talking point. And even just yesterday, Jeanette was having one of those days. She was like, I'm not doing my workout. I didn't do my English class, which she's doing every day. I wasn't doing the things I wanted to do. I wasn't productive.

• 13:48Matthew Hussey?

  Yeah.

• 13:48Lewis Howes?

  And I felt like I had too many things on my mind and I was stressed and worried about my mom and family. And, but she communicated it to me because I remember she wasn't communicating. And I was like, is everything okay? And then she did. And it's like the elephant was out of the room. And you, you can give your permission to your partner, whether it's your man or your woman or your partner in the relationship, to learn how to respond to it better as opposed to being on edge or worried about it. So communicating, I think it'd be great at how you're feeling that day.

• 14:16Matthew Hussey?

  And it helps the other person not take it personally.

• 14:20Lewis Howes?

  Personally, yes, or not feel like they did something wrong.

• 14:22Matthew Hussey?

  We think, yeah, you're, oh, like you're making, yeah, you're making this my fault now and you're making it about something I'm doing. And that's where arguments start. But actually I've found when people we love, uh, when they, when they show vulnerability, we're actually far more likely to feel loving and to want to do something about it because we know it's not, it's not something we're doing. It's something they're feeling and well, now I can help. Uh, but if it becomes a battle of good and evil over what I'm doing wrong, then, then our ego gets involved and it stops us from realizing what's actually happening and how we can, uh, help that person.

• 14:59Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 15:00Matthew Hussey?

  And I think just being mindful that like there's, there's just, we're all in a situation right now where there are things that we wouldn't normally have to put up with. We're, you know, you and I wouldn't normally be doing this interview this way with me in my house. There's a, you know, as you were talking a minute ago, there was a plane that flew overhead. Normally, if I was shooting one of my videos, we'd pause.

• 15:19Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 15:20Matthew Hussey?

  Wait for the plane to go, keep going, just because we want as like great sound, you know?

• 15:25Lewis Howes?

  Of course.

• 15:25Matthew Hussey?

  Now, now there's a plane and you're like, oh, there's a plane, planes to now.

• 15:29Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, we're using a webcam, we're using this, it's like.

• 15:32Matthew Hussey?

  And you're like.

• 15:32Lewis Howes?

  Trying to figure out how to turn the mics on, we're, you know, we're all figuring stuff out, yeah.

• 15:35Matthew Hussey?

  And everyone's gonna have in their relationship, the, the plane that they have to put up with right now, that they don't normally have to put up with.

• 15:42Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 15:43Matthew Hussey?

  Because they can just hit pause, or they could just leave the house, or they could just get in their car and drive away. And right now, we can't do that.

• 15:50Lewis Howes?

  Can't do that.

• 15:50Matthew Hussey?

  The, the tools, the, the tools are different. We've got to bring out different tools than we're used to.

• 15:55Lewis Howes?

  Be more flexible. You reminded me of a time when I was living on, uh, in Columbus, Ohio, I was living on my sister's couch. She lived one house away from the train tracks and every forty-five minutes, the train would come and literally shake the house and be so loud and have this big horn. And I remember it's, it's kind of like we gotta live by the train tracks all day right now.

• 16:13Matthew Hussey?

  It's. Yeah.

• 16:14Lewis Howes?

  Where you just had to learn how to manage it and navigate it, even if you couldn't escape it.

• 16:18Matthew Hussey?

  That's right.

• 16:18Lewis Howes?

  I really want to cover three main, I guess, distinctions or experiences that I think people are in right now during this, this, uh, episode in this interview. One is living with someone and being in a relationship while being quarantined.

• 16:35Matthew Hussey?

  Yep.

• 16:35Lewis Howes?

  Two is being in a relationship long distance during this time. And three is looking for love, but unable to put yourself out there physically and meet people in person. And I want to start with people in relationships who are in a small space or feel like they're confined or trapped and can't get out. And, and some people might be thriving in this time, but I'm hearing a lot of people who are DMing me, and I'm sure you're getting a lot of private messages from people saying, this is not the person I thought it was that I got in a relationship or married, especially the marriages. This, you know, I feel like I can't communicate with this person. This person is grumpy every day.

• 17:16Lewis Howes?

  They're unable to open up. They, it was hard for them to show their emotions before. Now they won't even show anything. What do you say to people that feel like, man, I feel like this is a test, a big test for us, whether we're gonna make it or break it? Should people be so, people be so quick to ending something if they can't? Figure out this time adversity, or do we give people a pass because everyone's stressed out? What's your thoughts on living with someone right now and it's going really bad?

• 17:45Matthew Hussey?

  It's weird, isn't it? Because on, on one level, we're experiencing just more of who our partner actually is.

• 17:51Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 17:52Matthew Hussey?

  We're just seeing, you know, we don't see that side. There's this funny twit, this funny tweet that went around and it was some, it was from a woman, I, I'm sorry, I can't credit this person, I can't remember, but she said something like, you know, she heard her husband say something on the phone, like, let's circle back. And she was like, I had no idea my husband was a let's circle back guy, who knew?

• 18:15Lewis Howes?

  Cause you've never heard him on the phone before, he's always at work.

• 18:18Matthew Hussey?

  Yeah, and that's kind of perfect because you are seeing a dimension of your partner that you don't normally see. And that can be quite surprising for people. For some people, it will be sexy, cause it's like, all of a sudden, my partner's at home and I see them on a business call and I'm like, oh, that was a kind of a turn on, seeing my partner like in their element, powerful, doing their thing. Other people will cringe.

• 18:43Lewis Howes?

  Let's circle back on that, Jerry.

• 18:48Matthew Hussey?

  And then, and then there's gonna be a lot of, you know, people who just, there are sides of their partners that they, that they find in heavy doses are quite unmanageable. And normally, they're only getting that in thirty percent of their day or twenty percent of their day. How many relationships survive because people only get each other for twenty percent of the day? How many long, think about it in terms of long distance, you know, if you look at the extreme end of the spectrum, normally, how many long distance relationships survive? Because those two people aren't in the same place. And then the moment they come to, to the same city, not even perhaps to live together, but they come to move to the same city, it all falls apart.

• 19:32Matthew Hussey?

  There's a, there's a line that my boxing trainer said to me once, he said, Or he said, like, I was talking to him about someone. He said, are you in love with this person's presence? Or are you in love with their absence? And, and I said, like, because some of us, we're in love, but what we're really in love with is the absent version of them. The version of them we can talk about, we can think about. The version of them we can fantasy. Yeah, we can project something on to them. Are you in love with their absence or their presence? And a lot of people are finding out they're not in love with the presence of their partner, right?

• 20:10Lewis Howes?

  You know, the thing you're saying right here, Yo-Yo Ma, I think he said this quote, that music happens between the notes. And I know the power of being with your partner and separating, having space, coming back together. That's where the music happens. When you've got that separation and you come back to, it's like a breath in and out. So how do you create music in your relationship? If there's no in-between, you're with each other. How do you create intimacy and distance and date nights and missing someone when you're always around?

• 20:42Matthew Hussey?

  Beautifully put, Lewis. I, and of course, our friend Esther Perel would, you know, she has plenty to say on this too, in terms of, she always talks about desire existing in the space between people. And if there's no space, then how can desire exist?

• 21:04Matthew Hussey?

  Look, there are different, there are different extremes people are going through right now. If you live in a big house with somebody and you can disappear to your side of the house and they theirs, that's, you're already in a luxurious position compared to many people.

• 21:16Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 21:16Matthew Hussey?

  Who are living now in a studio apartment with someone in a, you know, 600 foot studio apartment and they're, they're, you know, the bed is the desk and you could basically fry up your eggs from the bed. So close, you know, that's, that's a tough situation to be in right now. And what we're going to have to do there is engineer space, quote, there are different forms of space. There's physical space, there's emotional space, psychological space. There's all sorts of different versions of space. We're going to have to engineer space, even in extremely intimate and close environments. So it might be like, I think one of the, I think one of the most valuable devices you have right now is your headphones.

• 22:02Matthew Hussey?

  Like I, I honestly think your headphones are like those you should like be stocked up on at least three pairs if you live in with someone in a, in a one bedroom flat.

• 22:11Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 22:12Matthew Hussey?

  Because in that situation, it's not rude to go into your own world and to say like, what we have to do is communicate with our partners when we want space, but we've got to be a bit careful how we do that because it can easily come across like I'm sick of you, right? I, I, I want space from you. Now there may be some truth in it, but we all have to articulate ourselves in helpful rather than hurtful ways. So.

• 22:37Lewis Howes?

  Something someone could say if they know they need space, but when I say I need space, it really means I'm sick of you in this moment. What's a conversation starter that's loving?

• 22:48Matthew Hussey?

  I would.

• 22:49Lewis Howes?

  Enough to, to cue that up.

• 22:51Matthew Hussey?

  I'd reverse engineer it. So I'd start by talking about a piece of quality time you want to spend with them.

• 22:59Lewis Howes?

  Hmm.

• 23:00Matthew Hussey?

  So for example, you say to them, can we have a like full on movie night tonight?

• 23:07Lewis Howes?

  Ooh.

• 23:07Matthew Hussey?

  Like prop like.

• 23:08Lewis Howes?

  Dinner, movie, massage, the whole.

• 23:12Matthew Hussey?

  Corn, everything like let's like light candles, let's turn our living room into a cinema and like make it like, let's have a.

• 23:20Lewis Howes?

  Surround sound.

• 23:21Matthew Hussey?

  Yeah, like have a real movie night tonight. Let's lose ourselves in it and pretend we're at the movies. Um, or and that could apply to anything. Let's have like you and me time, like a real dinner tonight. Let's do this tonight, whatever, whatever's your thing. Once you've agreed that time, it almost takes the pressure off because you're communicating to someone, I'm, I'm, I want this time with you. Then you can say to someone, okay, deal. I'm gonna like disappear into my work for the next few hours, um, so that we can enjoy that time together. Or, you know, I'm gonna do this project for the next few hours. I'm gonna do this for a little while. And sometimes I think it's important to give a time period for it, rather than saying like, you know, just putting your headphones in and doing

• 24:04Matthew Hussey?

  that. And then you have the anxiety of are they, are they hoping that I'll take my headphones out any minute and pay them attention again or whatever, saying to them like, all right, I'm gonna focus on this for a little while, um, and then giving them a kiss. It's almost like you are giving them a kiss to kiss them goodbye for work, like, you know, even if you're just turning to put your headphones in. All right, I'm gonna do this for a little while. I wanna get this done so we can enjoy tonight. All right, let's go. It's like you're signaling something. And then, by the way, an hour later or something, if you take a quick break for a coffee or whatever, say, reinforce it, say to them, I am so excited about our movie night tonight. Okay, gotta go. And then, you know, like, you're, you're making sure that you communicate that time is really special.

• 24:49Matthew Hussey?

  That I want that to be special. But then you have to honor that. You've got to then, in the times where you, you say you're gonna show up to spend really mindful time together, you gotta then show up for that. I know that I've been in situations in my life where I felt when, when we had too much time apart, me and whatever relationship I was in, I would, I would feel bad or I would feel unloved or anxious. Not necessarily because we were apart, but because I didn't even feel close when we parted. So we'd wake up in the morning, that person would go off for the day or I'd go off for my day.

• 25:31Matthew Hussey?

  And it's not that we were apart for the day that would really bother me, because if we felt close first thing in the morning, I'd be like,

• 25:37Lewis Howes?

  See you later.

• 25:37Matthew Hussey?

  Have a great day. Listen, like, I'm excited about mine too. But if you are starting the day from a position of not feeling close, and then you part ways for the day.

• 25:49Lewis Howes?

  Feel even more disconnected.

• 25:50Matthew Hussey?

  More even more disconnected. Someone might feel anxiety that they're not loved, that they're not important, that they're not. So it compounds it. You earn the ability to take space or to go off and, and go into your own world by actually giving that person or sharing meaningful moments with that person before you do it.

• 26:13Lewis Howes?

  It's the, it's the, it's not the amount of time, it's the quality of the time and the presence of your quality of time. I, that I find, which is most powerful, at least in my relationship, where I may only have a half hour to an hour of time a day, certain days, maybe right now, but I, my phone is not anywhere near me. I'm looking in her eyes the whole time. I'm engaged, asking questions. How's your mom? How's your family? How's this? Tell me, what can I do for you? Can we play a game right now? Can we do something fun? Can we dance a little? It's the, the presence to the quality of time. And I'm sure the more time you have, better, but it's gotta be quality time from my personal experience.

• 26:56Lewis Howes?

  Are you finding that that's what, uh, I guess women and men want as well when you're coaching people?

• 27:02Matthew Hussey?

  Oh, these issues go both ways. You know, men, men can have the same insecurities as, as women can in these situations. And it, it comes down to which partner might feel busier, which one has got more to do right now. It could be like, if you, it's a tough situation. If one person in a relationship right now and they're living under the same roof, feels like they've got tons to do and tons of purpose and tons, you know, like, I can lose myself in my mission and what I'm doing right now and their partner is-

• 27:30Lewis Howes?

  And be fine. And your partner has lost a job or lost this or-

• 27:34Matthew Hussey?

  Right. Or I haven't figured out what my thing is yet. I don't know what, you know, you have your mission. I don't know what, like, what I'm supposed to-

• 27:42Lewis Howes?

  What do I do? I'm waiting for you to come home every day. Yeah.

• 27:44Matthew Hussey?

  Right. Yeah. I'm sitting here picking random hobbies out of thin air because I feel like everyone keeps telling me now's the time to learn a hobby. So I'm like, should I learn guitar?

• 27:53Lewis Howes?

  Right. Or, or worse, I'm on social media, watching everyone else's perfect relationship and everyone else thriving and I feel less than.

• 28:03Matthew Hussey?

  Yeah, exactly. And that, by the way, that's really, we've got to be really careful of that right now. We're used to, we're used to comparing ourselves to others on social media. Through the lens of, you know, we're seeing their highlight reel of their, um, of their life, you know, oh, they're traveling now. Look at them sipping a, sipping a beach on the cocktail. Look at them doing this skydive. Look at, we're seeing the highlight reel of their life. I think now we're seeing the highlight reel of people's emotions.

• 28:28Lewis Howes?

  Hmm.

• 28:29Matthew Hussey?

  So in quarantine, people don't have that life, right? We've not got all of these activities that we could be doing, but we're all of a sudden seeing that moment where someone's just finished their yoga workout and they post and they're like, you know, um, you know, I got this quarantine. Just did my yoga, blah, blah, blah. And you're like,

• 28:49Lewis Howes?

  All the day.

• 28:50Matthew Hussey?

  Exactly, but exactly, but you're not seeing like Matthew Hussey in the moment where he's like super grumpy and like irritable and just like, today is not, this is not my day and I'm not feeling it today and I don't want to make a video today. And, and I've made a point of, of saying things like that out loud because I, I think it's important that people get the full spectrum of what other people are going through. Cause guess what? Other people are going to dark places. Other people are having their freakouts. Other people are having those moments of depression or deep melancholy. People are having those, but it's not necessarily the things that they're posting about,

• 29:34Matthew Hussey?

  especially in the worlds that we operate in, Lewis, where there's a hell of a lot of people wanting to show how well they're doing under the circumstances, how positive they're being and so on.

• 29:45Lewis Howes?

  Yeah. What would, what advice would you give to people that are feeling really lonely? Cause they just went through a breakup, whether it be the end of the year or months ago, or maybe, you know, they just went through a breakup this week in the middle of quarantine and they're lonely, they're alone, they're emotionally hurt and they're needing that kind of quick connection again. They're needing, they might go back to the person because they're feeling weak and they miss that feeling of connection or love or intimacy.

• 30:15Matthew Hussey?

  Yeah.

• 30:16Lewis Howes?

  But they know it's not the right fit for them long-term. They know. But this is in a heightened state of vulnerability for them that they go back quicker. What advice do you have to someone like that? Very hard, very hard.

• 30:29Matthew Hussey?

  I have so much. Uh, we could do an hour on this alone. Firstly, a breakup, even under normal circumstances, is a tremendously difficult thing. True, true, I shouldn't say a breakup, because there are many joyous breakups we go through, but I truly, when you experience true heartbreak, it is one of the most devastating feelings in the world.

• 30:53Lewis Howes?

  Devastating.

• 30:54Matthew Hussey?

  You're a zombie.

• 30:55Lewis Howes?

  You're dead, you're dead inside.

• 30:59Matthew Hussey?

  It's, and, and it's worse than you're dead inside. You act dead to everybody else. Inside, you feel like you're dying.

• 31:07Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, that's true.

• 31:09Matthew Hussey?

  On loop, all day.

• 31:11Lewis Howes?

  You can't get out of it, yeah.

• 31:12Matthew Hussey?

  Yeah.

• 31:16Matthew Hussey?

  In a breakup, and this is as true now, now's no different. People need to, people need to recognize that now is just a difficult breakup on steroids, right? If you're going through heartbreak right now, you're just doing it on steroids, but it's just the same emotions. So don't fret that, oh my God, why did it have to happen now, when this was going on? That's, you're giving it a big story. It's still just the same emotions of heartbreak. You're just experiencing them in a very, in a heightened way.

• 31:46Lewis Howes?

  And you don't, well, and you don't have the ability to rebound physically with that person or a new person.

• 31:53Matthew Hussey?

  Which we could see as a gift.

• 31:55Lewis Howes?

  Right. Why is that a gift?

• 31:56Matthew Hussey?

  Because there are plenty of things, as my brother Stephen Hussey, a wonderful writer for, for our website, as he says, in a breakup, there are two methods of recovery. There's the athlete recovery method, and there's the hangover recovery method. You're gonna like this, Lewis.

• 32:13Lewis Howes?

  Tell me, I love it.

• 32:14Matthew Hussey?

  You haven't heard it before, but you're gonna love it, because it's, the analogy is perfect for you.

• 32:19Lewis Howes?

  I love it.

• 32:20Matthew Hussey?

  The hangover recovery method, you think about how do people deal with a hangover? They wake up, they eat greasy foods, because they're like, oh, I just need something to make me feel better. They watch crap TV, they lay on the sofa.

• 32:33Lewis Howes?

  They wake up at 2:00 PM, yeah.

• 32:35Matthew Hussey?

  Shut all the blinds, don't let any light in, eat ice cream. Essentially, they do all of these things that are temporary kind of pleasure and comfort. But ultimately are not nutritional and are not the things that are needed to get, you know, what's needed massive amounts of hydration.

• 32:54Lewis Howes?

  Water.

• 32:55Matthew Hussey?

  Well, go take a walk.

• 32:57Lewis Howes?

  Sunshine.

• 32:58Matthew Hussey?

  Right.

• 32:58Lewis Howes?

  Exercise.

• 32:59Matthew Hussey?

  Um, yeah, get the metabolism moving again. Get that like crap out of your system. Like that's all the stuff that's needed in that moment. Uh, but it's can feel harder to do the things that are actually going to get you out of it. Now look at the way an athlete recovers in an injury. Right? You know better than anybody.

• 33:18Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 33:18Matthew Hussey?

  You, you don't firstly, you still train whatever you can train. You don't ignore everything simply because your shoulder's injured. You do what you can.

• 33:28Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, you do some abs, you do some legs, you do something else.

• 33:31Matthew Hussey?

  Right. Let me keep a.

• 33:32Lewis Howes?

  Swimming. Yeah.

• 33:33Matthew Hussey?

  Exactly. You eat well. You get tons of rest, as much rest as you possibly can. You do rehab where necessary, but you don't do so much that it injures what you're doing.

• 33:45Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, you reset your vision. You, you, you visualize what you want and start mentally rehearsing the reps, the, the repetition, the action steps. You, you mental rehearse, you, you know, all those things, right?

• 33:58Matthew Hussey?

  So now if you apply that to a breakup, the hangover recovery method is let's go and sleep with other people quickly just to get my fix, just to feel connected, just to feel like I'm worth something, just to feel like I'm still sexy. Let me, uh, go out and drink, party. Let me eat ice cream, bad food, keep going to the.

• 34:21Lewis Howes?

  Get on, get on Tinder and all the apps and.

• 34:23Matthew Hussey?

  Right. Or not, or just hide away under the covers. Don't engage life. Don't. It could be either or, but they're all hangover recovery methods because they don't make you feel better long-term. They're just short-term pleasure. The athlete recovery method in a breakup is you do the same as an athlete. You say, okay, my heart might be injured right now, right? My heart's offline, so to speak. But I still have everything else. So let me make sure the rest of my life is firing on all cylinders right now. Let me do everything, let me be kind to myself. Let's maybe like put dating aside for the moment or put that. But let me go and make platonic connections. Let me go and build my relationships with my friends and family. Let me eat well, let me sleep well, let me train.

• 35:07Matthew Hussey?

  Let me go and do all of these things that that train every other muscle in my life. So that when my heart comes back online, every other part of me is ready to go. So you've got one problem right now, you're you're in pain, right? But if that pain causes you to let every other part of your life go down spiral, now you've got six problems. So that that's the part we wanna avoid and. Only have one problem, not six. And and you know, look, it's all of this is easy to say. And when you're heartbroken, you just feel like you feel so bad and so sick in your stomach and so nauseated all the time that you even hearing this sounds like a lot of work.

• 35:50Matthew Hussey?

  And what I would say to people is a really manageable step is I, you know, there's that quote, where emotions are weather, let them let them come and go, right? And that's true, emotions are weather. I used to think that emotions were really important. A friend of mine, Jamison Jordan, who you know, who shoots my videos, he would always tell me whenever I would be in a real funk, a bad place, whatever, he I would talk to him about it. He was one of the closest people to me. And I always remember he used to say to me like, I just think you like think your emotions are more important than I feel like mine are. You put more emphasis on. Yeah, you you like think they're really important. You. You think your emotions are you.

• 36:32Matthew Hussey?

  Yeah, he would be like you, you just seem to like give more weight to your feelings than I do. Um, and I, at the time, I didn't quite hear that. And over time, I've come to understand what that means. And of course, a lot of this is taught in mindfulness, training, meditation, so on. But that idea that. Just because you have a thought, just because you have an emotion, it doesn't make it important. And in a heartbreak, just because you miss your partner, that doesn't actually make that feeling that important. Just because you feel hurt and you feel like, oh my God, I'll never find anyone like that again. That's just a thought and an emotion that's attached to that thought, and it doesn't make it that important. And so when I was going through terrible times, when I've gone through heartbreak,

• 37:17Matthew Hussey?

  one of the key lessons I learned was, okay, there's really cloudy skies right now, that's the weather, right? And it feels like that weather will never pass. But what I would begin to pay attention to is, I would realise that, I would realise, oh, for the last 20 minutes, I didn't think about my breakup.

• 37:40Lewis Howes?

  Small wins.

• 37:41Matthew Hussey?

  I'd be like, yeah, and often you only notice it after the fact. Because when you're in it, you're just, it could be that you're in a flow state with your work, and that's taken you out of it. It could be that you're having a funny moment with a friend. It could be that you lost yourself in a movie. Uh, it could be you just had a conversation with your brother, your mother, whoever.

• 38:00Lewis Howes?

  A workout, yeah.

• 38:01Matthew Hussey?

  For a few minutes, could, even if it's just five, for five minutes, you noticed, I felt better. I felt, and maybe I didn't feel amazing, I just, for five minutes, I didn't feel like I was dying.

• 38:15Lewis Howes?

  I didn't feel suffering.

• 38:17Matthew Hussey?

  And, and when that happens, here's what I would say to myself, I'd be like, well, that's interesting, notice those things as interesting. And this, this applies not just to heartbreak, but to depression, to anxiety, to all sorts of different emotions that are undesirable. When you notice that for five minutes of your day, you didn't feel that thing. Here's what happens, we have our, like, whatever is our home, whether it's depression, heartbreak, anxiety, sadness, we have our home that we're, we go to.

• 38:49Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 38:49Matthew Hussey?

  90% of our day. And when we feel that, we focus on it so intensely. That it becomes very difficult to get out of it because we are focused on that ninety percent the whole time. And what we don't acknowledge is this interesting window in the day where we didn't feel that. And that window has some clues, has some, there's some truth often in that window, that five percent of the day where you felt all right. There's some truth there that's waiting to be discovered, enlarged, held under a microscope. And what I would do is when I would feel better for five minutes, I'd go, well, okay, so what

• 39:30Matthew Hussey?

  did that, if nothing else, what did that prove? It proved that I, it's possible for me to feel better. I had a reference point for the fact that I could feel better. And then you go, well, if I felt better for five minutes, if I even felt better for a minute, let's make more of those. What, how did, what was happening? How did I do it? I might not be able to get my day to the point where I even feel good for a quarter of the day right now. Right? That might be an unrealistic goal. But if I had one good minute or one good hour, let me make the new goal, not to be great or to be happy or to get over this, just make more of those.

• 40:12Lewis Howes?

  Yeah. And multiply those moments, multiply those minutes into five and ten and twenty minutes.

• 40:18Matthew Hussey?

  Which is a manageable task. Suddenly getting over your heartbreak, you need to get over it, dude, you know, blah, blah. It's not, this isn't, that's not practical advice for someone who's going through hell. But for someone who realizes that just for five minutes, the clouds parted, and they go, oh, my God.

• 40:34Lewis Howes?

  It's like, it's like, it's like one of my favorite movies, Swingers, where Mikey is always thinking about his ex and who, who he left, and then now she won't come back to him six months ago, whatever. And he's constantly talking about it, obsessing about it, suffering in pain. And then he finally learns to just put his attention somewhere else.

• 40:58Matthew Hussey?

  That's right.

• 40:58Lewis Howes?

  For a few minutes and then put it for an hour and then he goes on a date with someone and then he thought about her for a day. And he was like, wow, can you, I didn't talk about her all today, you know?

• 41:08Matthew Hussey?

  And what's so important about that, because there's a, what's really interesting about that movie is He begins to do these things that slowly start to create more moments of good weather in his day.

• 41:22Lewis Howes?

  He goes salsa dancing. He does this. He does activities. Yeah.

• 41:25Matthew Hussey?

  Right. But what we have to be aware of, you have to respect whatever is the drug, whether it's your ex, whether it's genuinely a drug or booze, or whether it's a situation that makes you feel bad or whatever. Often, when we start to create more good weather, we start to take for granted that the bad weather can't appear now. It's like, oh, I'm.

• 41:51Lewis Howes?

  I'm past it. Yeah. It could come back. A storm could come raging through again.

• 41:54Matthew Hussey?

  Someone, your, your ex could text you, and if you text back and start engaging, knowing, knowing what happens, that you're, when you start in a conversation with that person again, you're going to spiral. You're not respecting the drug. You got, you might have been clean for months or years, but you got to respect the drug because when you don't is when, when you get cocky and you don't remember that there are rituals and routines and practices daily that got you to this good state. You are liable to fall back into that trap because you're, because you're blind.

• 42:37Matthew Hussey?

  Don't be blind. Don't be afraid. It's not about fear. You're not fearful. You're not worried because you know, if I got, if I didn't die at the height of my breakup's pain, if I didn't die on day two, I'm not going to die on day twenty-two. Or day fifty-two, or day one thousand and two. If I could deal with this at the height of its pain, I'm not going to die now. So I'm not going to be afraid of this, but I'm also going to respect it. And know that there are certain things that make me feel better in my day, and I have to consciously put them into my day because the moment I take for granted that I just feel better, that's when that thing starts creeping.

• 43:15Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, exactly. I'm laughing so hard because we.

• 43:19Lewis Howes?

  We have a mutual friend that we've been helping, I won't say his name, but we've been helping navigate certain things in their, you know, their relationship and, uh, you know, it just reminded me of that of replying to people when they text you when you think you're good. Hey, don't go back into that. Make sure you stay true to what you want, what you're committed to by in the athlete mindset of envisioning something that you want for your future and envisioning the right relationship or the better match or you know, how you want to be feeling and all those things.

• 43:48Matthew Hussey?

  And by the way, and just remember, and this is true, not just for people going through heartbreak right now, but people going through solitude right now, because there's a lot of people who right now are just in solitude. They're not necessarily heartbroken, but they are experiencing a deep kind of existential loneliness. And when we're on our own for long periods of time, many people, not everyone, but many people, and perhaps even most have more of a tendency to go to dark places with their thoughts.

• 44:15Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 44:16Matthew Hussey?

  And there's a lot of people that are there that are listening to us right now that certainly can't, that, you know, the I, you know, some people might be in a hell with someone in the house, but these people in solitude are looking at that guy and I'll take that right now over the hell I'm in of being constantly on my own and going out of my mind. Um, I would say to people that, you know, the same weather rule applies that, you know, you might feel really kind of dark and lonely at points in your day, but there are other points in your day where you don't. Notice the good weather and pay attention to the good weather and what made you feel good. Did you just have a conversation with one of your siblings? Did you have a little group chat with a bunch of friends? Did you watch a life-affirming movie? Did you read a book that made you feel connected to an author from some period in time?

• 45:01Matthew Hussey?

  Maybe who was also alone and writing about it. And by reading that author, you go, oh my God, I feel, you know, someone else is having the same experience as me. I think that's really important is if you're in solitude right now on your own. You.

• 45:17Matthew Hussey?

  Connect to other people who have experienced that because some of the greatest figures of all time have spent inordinate amounts of time alone, have experienced the darkness that you're experiencing and you're in good company. You, you may feel you're alone and oh man, we have this solipsistic attitude that we're the only one who's alone. We know it's not rationally true. We know it's not logically true, but we feel it on an emotional level. Those are moments where you have to remind yourself, I'm in good company, not just today, but throughout time. Key figures, brilliant people, people that are far more brilliant than we will ever be, have experienced the deepest, darkest existential loneliness. And in a way, there's, there is

• 46:02Matthew Hussey?

  something slightly romantic about that. I always love when I read an author and I'm, I hear that author who's brilliant and who I love. And I, you know, I was just reading Bertrand Russell and you, and then you hear about something that someone suffers with or something that they've gone through and you go, oh, thank God. This person that I love also, you know, also, you know, there's, there's that element of it that's really, really powerful. And so I, I think that you, you can adopt, yes, accept that it's difficult. It is difficult. Don't look at, don't look at other people and think they're handling it so well. It is difficult. I, I'd call my dad at times when business is hard and business was messy and like chaotic and I'd screwed up or I'd

• 46:47Matthew Hussey?

  lost money or I'd done something. I'd call my dad and I'd be like, you know, my dad's one of my big mentors and I'd call him and say, Dad, like, I'm just so stressed. I'm so overwhelmed. This is happening. This is going wrong. I got 10 people asking me for this, whatever. And he'd say, Matt, you, part of the problem is you don't think that other people's businesses are just as messy. You, you're, it's almost like you think that you're struggling with all these things and other people aren't. He said, Matt, I've been in business for, you know, 40 years. Business is messy. That is the nature of it. It is messy. It is chaotic. There are always things going wrong as well as things going right. It, that's the nature, that's how it is supposed to be. And

• 47:30Matthew Hussey?

  when I, when he would say that to me, I would, it, it didn't take my problems away, but what it made me realize is, oh, it's all right. It's not. This is normal. I'm on top of my problems. I'm beating myself up and taking it personally that I'm doing a horrible job.

• 47:48Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, it's kind of like your dad and Jameson are saying the same thing. Your feelings are more important. Your mess is more important. It's

• 47:55Matthew Hussey?

  Yeah, A, don't give it so much power and B, and don't give your feelings and emotions so much power. Not every emotion is a cue to do something.

• 48:03Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 48:04Matthew Hussey?

  At the same time, except that this is your, your view that, you know, in the road less traveled, M. Scott Peck talked about, I think one of the first line of his book is life is hard. And one of the things that makes life more difficult for us is that we expect it to be easy. Well, that's true of relationships. It's true of business. It's true of everything. And when we have someone close to us who says, you're all right. You're, oh, you're at home on your own right now and it, and you feel like it's dark and lonely. And you're having these kind of existential thoughts and you're welcome. That's normal. That's of course you do. You're living at home on your own in isolation right now. Of course you're feeling these things. You're not a screw up. You're not weak.

• 48:47Matthew Hussey?

  You're not handling it terribly because you're having these thoughts. That is absolutely normal. And that's what makes it heroic is that you're having all these thoughts and you're having all these feeling feelings, but you're in the company of wonderful people throughout history who have experienced this, who have had just a bad, just as bad a time, who were dealing with it no better than you. But in that company, you can kind of then assume your hero's journey and go,

• 49:13Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 49:13Matthew Hussey?

  Well, this is my personal hell right now. Um, I'm, I'm going to keep going anyway.

• 49:19Lewis Howes?

  We need these adversities to teach us things too. You know, we don't learn about how to be the best version of ourselves and grow through everything being easy and all the success coming to us. We learn through challenge, through adversity. And I'm not saying you need to suffer in the adversity and challenge. It's already going to be hard. A breakup is already hard, but you don't need to add to the suffering, like you said, and multiply the amount of pain.

• 49:44Matthew Hussey?

  That's right.

• 49:44Lewis Howes?

  I want to ask you a personal question that you probably only talk about at your retreats. So I want to give people a taste of Matthew Hussey that you probably share to only a select few women who invest and show up to your retreats where they really get to dive in and ask you the juicy questions.

• 50:04Matthew Hussey?

  Oh, I'm curious. I'm curious.

• 50:08Lewis Howes?

  And I'm not, you can't, no one can come to your retreats right now, but if later in the year, I think you'll have more retreats and they can go to MatthewHussey.com and learn about your retreats because I hear they're mind blowing for women. So if you want to learn how to master relationships as a woman, go to these retreats, go to MatthewHussey.com and sign up for them.

• 50:26Matthew Hussey?

  Oh, howtogettheguy.com. Actually, if people go to MatthewHusseyRetreat.com, that's the best place for people to do it.

• 50:33Lewis Howes?

  Gotcha. HowToGetTheGuy.com for everything else.

• 50:36Matthew Hussey?

  And I'll also let people know something they can do right now as well because I know people are stuck at home and they'll want something that they can do.

• 50:42Lewis Howes?

  Perfect, perfect. Okay, here's the personal question.

• 50:47Lewis Howes?

  What is the biggest challenge that Matthew Hussey faces, single, and the biggest challenge you face being in a relationship that you still, that you still need to, you know you need to overcome and improve, or maybe you're not as, I wish I wasn't that way, not proud of myself in these times when I do this. What is the personal thing that Matt Hussey has to do or needs to do to improve when single and when in a relationship?

• 51:17Matthew Hussey?

  Wow. That's personal in the sense that I even have to think about, I have to really think about what the answer is. I, the biggest challenge, okay, being single, Lewis.

• 51:30Lewis Howes?

  Give it to me real.

• 51:34Lewis Howes?

  Because I know the real truth, whether he answers it here, I know the real.

• 51:39Matthew Hussey?

  I think, look, I'm, I'm someone who has always, I've always craved real connection. For as long as, you know, I've liked girls, you know.

• 51:53Lewis Howes?

  You were twelve years old.

• 51:55Matthew Hussey?

  Yeah, I've, I've always, I've always liked it. And it's not that I don't go through the same things other people do where you wonder, when you're with someone, am I with the right person? Is this the right thing? Do I need, you know, all of that, but,

• 52:08Matthew Hussey?

  but I've always really liked connection. And sometimes that connection, you know, I know in my past, that desire for connection has led me to relationships that

• 52:21Matthew Hussey?

  weren't right for me, you know, weren't relationships I should have been in, but they were wonderful people. They, they were lovely and they were.

• 52:31Lewis Howes?

  There were great moments and great connection.

• 52:33Matthew Hussey?

  Yeah, and, and, and they treated me wonderfully and, you know, and that led me to kind of go, well, maybe this is the thing, you know, but without necessarily seeing if it was what I needed, whether it was really the relationship that I was going to continue to grow in, um, and develop myself and whether it was truly kind of, I guess, meeting all my needs and whether I was meeting all of their needs. Um, so I think that over time, I, I settled for some relationships I shouldn't have, where I was just valuing the connection over what my long-term needs were going to be.

• 53:16Matthew Hussey?

  And, and I knew that it worked today or this year, but if I really thought about it in 10 years or 20 years, it wasn't going to be the relationship that was right for me long-term. So there was that, um, and that has, so within a relationship, some of the struggles I've had in the past have been too much question, too much time questioning whether it's.

• 53:44Lewis Howes?

  Worst feeling, man.

• 53:45Matthew Hussey?

  So exhausting.

• 53:47Lewis Howes?

  The worst. When you think I've had this in my past relationships where every day I would think and question myself for 30 minutes. Am I supposed to be in this? Is this the right thing? Should I end it? How am I gonna end it? Ah, but this is good, but this is, that just debate, internal debate is exhausting, like you said.

• 54:08Matthew Hussey?

  That's right. And so that, that sapped a lot of energy from me, a lot of times when I would have liked to have actually had more energy to pour into, you know, either the right relationship or my business or friends or whatever, but it was being sapped by me constantly waking up every day and going, is this the right thing? Should I be here? Should I not? Um, and that's you're just fighting yourself constantly. So I, I think there were things that I allowed to go on too long that I, I should have, I should have seen things sooner or rather perhaps more accurately paid attention to what I had seen.

• 54:49Lewis Howes?

  Cause you saw them.

• 54:50Matthew Hussey?

  Yeah, I saw.

• 54:51Lewis Howes?

  They were there. You were aware. You just weren't.

• 54:54Matthew Hussey?

  Right.

• 54:54Lewis Howes?

  Actively paying attention and taking action on the attention.

• 54:58Matthew Hussey?

  That's right. And, and so much of what I've been able to, to teach people and share with people has not been coming from a righteous place, but I've been experiencing things intensely. I'm, I'm a very sensitive person and I'm someone who emotionally feels a lot, you know, uh, I, uh, so I, the reason I can relate to a lot of people is because I feel things very intensely. Uh, for better or worse, sometimes I wish I didn't. Sometimes I see it as a, as a gift. It depends on the day you ask me, but, um, but that, but that I think has been a big, a big thing for me in the past. Um, and, and actually I think

• 55:38Matthew Hussey?

  I'm much better now at saying, I'm, I won't allow myself to slip into something that's the wrong thing. I, I am much more conscious about the decisions that I make. Um.

• 55:52Lewis Howes?

  You won't make a long-term commitment on short-term feelings if you know it's not at least setting you up for the best chance.

• 56:00Matthew Hussey?

  Yeah.

• 56:01Lewis Howes?

  Long-term commitment.

• 56:02Matthew Hussey?

  Careful, I'm trying, I try to be more careful with what I say. I try to be more careful to, to be, to have integrity in, in the promises that I make or to not make a promise simply because it's what someone wants to hear, you know, but to, but to say what's true, even if that's difficult. And that's hard. That's not, I'm not.

• 56:22Lewis Howes?

  So hard to say something painful. Yeah.

• 56:24Matthew Hussey?

  I don't want anyone to think that I'm on my high horse about that because I fail that test a lot. And I, and I'm doing my best always to try to be more of that man that I want to be in that respect. In terms of being single, I think the challenge for me is ironically, ironically, it's meeting people.

• 56:46Matthew Hussey?

  Yeah.

• 56:46Lewis Howes?

  It's probably not hard for you to meet people, but you just mean what? Quality people? You mean the right people?

• 56:52Matthew Hussey?

  Perhaps not even quality people, but just.

• 56:54Lewis Howes?

  You are introverted. People don't know that you're extremely introverted.

• 56:57Matthew Hussey?

  I am introverted, although a huge part of my career has been showing people how to build the skills of the extrovert.

• 57:04Lewis Howes?

  Yeah. Because you've had to overcome that in order to get what you want.

• 57:06Matthew Hussey?

  Yeah, I've done that my whole life. So when someone sees me on TV, people, people who don't know me like you, Lewis, think that that's a joke when I say it, or that I'm pandering to some image to make people feel better.

• 57:16Lewis Howes?

  No, it's real.

• 57:17Matthew Hussey?

  No, it's real, but.

• 57:18Lewis Howes?

  He doesn't leave the house unless he gets.

• 57:20Matthew Hussey?

  Well, but that's changed. That's changed in recent years. That's a, I'm, I'm, I, I made a conscious effort to change that. But I'm, you know, when I go on stage, I'm an extrovert. When I step out on TV, I'm an extrovert. Right now, when I was talking, I'm an extrovert. I know how to turn that on when I want to. And I've, and I've learned that over time. And I think that no introvert should use being an introvert as an excuse to not learn those skill sets. Um, which is why I have the whole suite of programs I have is about showing people how to do that. Um, but it's not so much that my introversion is the tricky part about being single, because I know how to overcome that to go and meet

• 58:00Matthew Hussey?

  people. It's more that I, I have to go back to, you know, it's funny that a huge amount of what I do is I show people how to meet people in real life. Because that's actually my reality is that I I don't have the tools available to me that a lot of people have available to them. It's not, I haven't, I've chosen not to, I never say never, but I don't think it's advisable for me to get on Bumble.

• 58:29Lewis Howes?

  Or Tinder or whatever, yeah.

• 58:30Matthew Hussey?

  Or whatever. I don't think that that's advisable because I don't know, I I think it would be, it would, that would be a tricky experience.

• 58:37Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 58:38Matthew Hussey?

  Uh, for me. So then, you know, the way other people are sitting at home in their pajamas, meeting people. I don't really have that. The only way I'm gonna meet someone is actually by going out is either if I get approached online somehow.

• 58:56Lewis Howes?

  Yep.

• 58:57Matthew Hussey?

  Through whatever, social media, or if I go out and create activities. Now, activities require time and they require energy. And one of the things that, this is something that I I'm super interested in right now is, I just read this book, um. I just read this book by Bertrand Russell, or this essay by Bertrand Russell, uh, on, it was called In Praise of Idleness. And Bertrand Russell essentially makes this case. He was a very controversial, uh, and lucid thinker in his time and

• 59:36Matthew Hussey?

  uh, amazing individual, very learned. Uh, he made this argument for the fact that we should all work four hours a day.

• 59:46Matthew Hussey?

  Four hours of intense focused work a day, and then the rest of the day, he said, should be used for active leisure, what he called active leisure.

• 59:57Matthew Hussey?

  He describes passive leisure as sitting in front of a movie.

• 1:00:01Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:00:01Matthew Hussey?

  Right?

• 1:00:02Lewis Howes?

  I call that strategic messing around. Active leisure, it's like you're strategically messing around.

• 1:00:07Matthew Hussey?

  Right. He would, yeah, I imagine he would like that term because, because he, because he was very much into the idea of play. He was very much into the idea of going and involving yourself in things, whether they're sports, whether they're activities, whether it's cooking, whether it's. Practicing something, learning something, going places, just being in nature and noticing things, writing, reading, these are, these are active leisure. And this is a thought that I'm glad you asked me about this, Lewis, because I'm, I'm progressing this thought right now, and it's something that I invite people to, to think about with me. I don't have a solid answer yet, because I literally am, I'm, I'm literally go, I read this book

• 1:00:50Matthew Hussey?

  this week, and it really made me attach, attach to my own content in a way that I thought was really interesting. I have for a long time been calling people out on them saying, I have work and I do this and I do that, so I never meet anyone because I have no time. And I look at it and I'm like, okay, it's true that those things are excuses, and that we have to create time. But time is only as good as your energy. And if, what, what a lot of us are experiencing, myself included, because I don't, like I said, I don't have those, that way of just meeting people online from my bed at night, because I like finish work at nine o'clock, and now I'm gonna lay in bed and meet some people. Yeah.

• 1:01:33Matthew Hussey?

  I don't really have, it's hard for me to do that. So I'm back to kind of where we were thirty years ago, where it's like, oh, I've got to live a life that brings me into contact with other people. And that is, could be classed as a form of active leisure, but that active leisure requires energy. It does. And if we're so exhausted by our day, that the only thing we have the energy to do is watch a series on Netflix, is to sit and watch Tiger King, you know, or Ozark. Yeah, I watched both of them. I watched both of them. No, no, dude, I, I love it. But that's the thing. Amazing. Exhausted at the end of the day, that's like, the, like, the only thing I want

• 1:02:15Matthew Hussey?

  to do is sit, I don't even want to read. Why is it when I go on vacation, I used to, like, go on vacation, I'd be like, I've read three books this week, what the hell? Like, I love reading, I get so much out of it, it does so much for my life, so much for my mind. We're only having this conversation about this right now because I read a book this week. Why do I read three books on vacation and not at home? It's easy to say because you had more time. It's not because I had more time, it's because I had more energy. Because my useful hours were not on vacation being used for work.

• 1:02:51Matthew Hussey?

  Because even if I finish at seven P M like you could say, well, you've got four hours to read before bed. It doesn't really, energy doesn't.

• 1:02:59Lewis Howes?

  You need time to unwind, you need, yeah.

• 1:03:01Matthew Hussey?

  So I read on vacation because I have energy to read. Now it becomes active, not passive leisure time. And what I'm fascinated by about this quarantine is that not all, not all people are finding themselves with this. There are plenty of, of parents with kids who are finding themselves with even less time and energy than before, because now they're homeschooling.

• 1:03:22Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 1:03:22Matthew Hussey?

  In addition to doing their jobs and looking after their old, worrying about their elderly parents and so on. So it's false to say that everyone has more time right now. But there are a segment of people that have found themselves with more time. And what they're enjoying is not necessarily having more time. What they're enjoying is having more energy for active leisure. And now they're like, wow, I'm doing all these things that they're almost dreading the time when they have to go back to work. Because they're worried, I'm enjoying these things I get to do right now. But what they're really saying is I'm enjoying the energy available to do these things. Because often, even when it gets to the weekend, I'm too exhausted to do anything. So apply that through the lens of dating.

• 1:04:07Matthew Hussey?

  And what you see is a lot of people are not meeting people. This, this is what I'm, I'm, I know I'm talking so much, Lewis, but I've got so much, my brain is so creative right now. I've got so many things bouncing around.

• 1:04:20Lewis Howes?

  I just turned a bad mood day into a good mood day.

• 1:04:22Matthew Hussey?

  It's, well, of course, what makes them good mood day is flow states, losing yourself in moments, in thoughts, in, in ideas. And that's why we need more time, more energy, more energy to do those things. Um, but, um, what was I gonna say? The, where was I right before that thought?

• 1:04:42Lewis Howes?

  People are saying they have no more time, but now they're having more active leisure time.

• 1:04:47Matthew Hussey?

  You're enjoying, okay, so through the dating lens.

• 1:04:50Lewis Howes?

  Yes, people are looking to date right now.

• 1:04:52Matthew Hussey?

  Yeah, I'm really curious about how people can you, how people can start to see that, okay, it might not be your fault that you're not meeting a lot of people. Because it's not just tied into your dating life, it's tied into everything. How hard you're working, or how much exhaustion you experience working, you would never imagine actually has a tremendous impact on your ability and your dating life, in your ability to flirt, in your ability to go and take on new activities.

• 1:05:23Lewis Howes?

  Because you don't have the energy.

• 1:05:25Matthew Hussey?

  No, you don't.

• 1:05:25Lewis Howes?

  Now you have the creative energy to go out and say, okay, I'm gonna approach this person online and do a special FaceTime chat and do something creative.

• 1:05:35Matthew Hussey?

  The irony is, right now, people have more energy to date, but it's harder to date because they're at home. John, John Kay wrote this book called A Bleak Attitude about how results are achieved indirectly. So if you want to get rich, don't focus on making money, focus on all the things that, that provide a valuable service, that add something to the world, that give you time to think. And that's what makes you, quote, rich financially, it's not focusing on getting rich. And the same is true of our dating lives, it's all of those things that we don't even associate with our dating lives that have a tremendous impact on our dating lives, whether it's, you know, reading books and now you have something to talk about on a date. Who would know that reading Bertrand Russell's essay on in praise of idleness

• 1:06:18Matthew Hussey?

  would have an impact on how interesting you are on a date? Well, it does, because now you can, this is a date, right? We're on a date, we're having a conversation, we've got plenty to talk about because I read a book this week.

• 1:06:29Lewis Howes?

  Because I'm making myself more interesting by learning, by practicing something.

• 1:06:33Matthew Hussey?

  And who would think that reducing your workload, or that saying no tomorrow is gonna have an impact on whether you meet the love of your life? Not through any direct reason, but indirectly because saying no to more means you have more energy, which means you have more time for active leisure, which means you're putting yourself in more situations where you might meet someone. You do join that running club. You do go to that evening lecture. You do join that cooking course where you just happen to meet someone.

• 1:07:00Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, I think I think Tony Robbins was the one who said this, that the key to a successful relationship is creativity and caring. And it's the amount of your creativity and the amount of your caring towards someone else and focusing on them, their needs, being creative towards it. And hopefully that will be reciprocated so that their caring and creative with your needs and your attention and your time. It's the ability to do both. And if you are not, if you're caring, but you're not creative, you're eventually going to lose that spark, energy, intimacy, desire. It takes both. And you're the expert. So I don't know if it takes

• 1:07:41Lewis Howes?

  more than that as well. But obviously, I think you've got to be creative. When you're trying to find some of the date, if you're not creative, why would they date you just on how you look?

• 1:07:52Matthew Hussey?

  One of the most valuable things I did this year was to go with you to Poland, which you very kindly invited me to, to be part of that little tribe. And it was one of the most valuable things, not for the obvious reasons that people would think that, look, you're overcoming something tremendously difficult by doing this immersion work in the cold, in the ice and snow. It was one of the most valuable things I did because at the beginning of the year, instead of racing into my work, instead of racing into all of these, the treadmill of another year, I, we took a week, put the phones away, and we just had

• 1:08:33Matthew Hussey?

  time to think, to talk, to listen to other people with other businesses, with other points of view, and to do something that was different to anything I would normally do. That

• 1:08:47Matthew Hussey?

  Sparks creativity like nothing else. And one of the reasons that we get stuck in business is because all we do is our business.

• 1:08:56Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:08:57Matthew Hussey?

  One of the reasons we get stuck in our relationship is because we're not doing anything new. We're not actually, we're not, it's not like you need to shake things up. No, it's not about shaking things up. It's just about giving yourself like something, something new to engage a part of your brain that you don't normally engage. It's why a couple that decides to like go dancing for the night, who normally would think that's embarrassing and awkward and wouldn't normally do it, find that it changes something. It changes something in the relationship for a couple of days.

• 1:09:34Matthew Hussey?

  We, we don't give ourselves new things to think about enough. And I, this is which we're traversing between business and love and everything here. But I think your audience, they, I know they love that, as I do as well. I, for many years, Lewis, I was in, you know, I would say no to many, many things outside of the direct scope of my company. Because I would see that as me being laser focused on growing this thing that I really cared about. And I would see anything else that wasn't to do with that as a distraction. I had a very utilitarian approach. And meanwhile, I would see my brothers painting and cooking and doing, you know,

• 1:10:17Matthew Hussey?

  doing other things like writing and they would explore other interests. And I, it's not that I, I didn't for one second look down on that. I just thought, oh, I, but I need to focus myself a thousand percent on this if I'm gonna get to where I wanna be. I've come to look at that as, focus is a, is a strength, but it can also be a weakness. Because it stops you from doing other things that would actually give you a different level of creativity in that core thing that's really interesting to you. And if you never do anything outside the scope of what you do, you're gonna find quickly you don't have a lot to say.

• 1:10:59Matthew Hussey?

  And that's a, and that's a problem. Sometimes you have to do something new. Not, it doesn't even matter what it is necessarily. It just matters that it takes your brain to a different train of thought, a different idea, a different moment. I had a hamster when I was a kid and my dad once, I, I used to keep his cage all neat and tidy, right? And it was the only pet I had. I was saying, I think I was like nine years old or something. It was the only pet I had because my dad was allergic to everything else. And I had this hamster, I used to keep his cage like really tidy.

• 1:11:31Matthew Hussey?

  And like my dad, one day I come home from school and, and the hamster wheel is just turned on its side. And the hamster's just standing there staring at it. And, uh, and I, I looked over at my dad and I was like, why is his wheel like that? I was kind of annoyed. I was like, that's his wheel. He's supposed to run on it. Why is it on its side? And my dad said, oh, I, I, I turned it up, I turned it on its side.

• 1:11:58Lewis Howes?

  Why?

• 1:11:59Matthew Hussey?

  Why'd you do that? He goes, give him something to think about.

• 1:12:05Matthew Hussey?

  And I, and I thought, he goes, he's in his, he literally said, he's in his cage. My dad doesn't like any cage. I today feel the same way, but even back then my dad was like, why is he in a cage? Why do we have these things in cages or whatever? My dad said, he's in his cage all day. He has nothing else to do. It's the same wheel, same thing, same fuck, everything's the same. I gave him something to think about today. And I, at the time I didn't get it and I look back now and I laugh, but it's, we're not like, sometimes we're so used to getting our house exactly the way we know it all the time. And having the wheel just turning the same way. Sometimes turning the wheel on its side and giving yourself something else to think about

• 1:12:47Matthew Hussey?

  is one of the most valuable things you could do for your life, for your relationship, for your mental health, for your creativity, for everything.

• 1:12:53Lewis Howes?

  Hmm. Loving this, man. This has been powerful stuff. And if people want more, uh, they can go to howtogettheguide.com. And do you have something you can give people or an opt-in for?

• 1:13:03Matthew Hussey?

  I'm doing something right now. Look, I have a, I have a membership that a lot of people are a part of and a lot of people just don't know about. And every month I'm doing webinars on that membership. My dad is doing webinars on that membership. My brother is doing webinars. Um, and. And the whole idea of this membership is is is called the love life membership. And the idea behind it is twofold. It's going to help you love life, but it's also going to show you how to love life.

• 1:13:29Lewis Howes?

  Oh. And the What's that called when you do that with two words? When it's love life and love life.

• 1:13:35Matthew Hussey?

  What's that? I suppose a double double entendre.

• 1:13:37Lewis Howes?

  Something like that. Yes, yes.

• 1:13:39Matthew Hussey?

  I I but I. The reason this is so important is precisely because of what we've already talked about, that the results in life are often best achieved, not just directly, but indirectly. So we're going to give you all of the things you need, whether you're single or in a relationship, to make the best of your situation, your love life, and to create the life that you want there. But it's also much bigger in scope than that. It's about showing you how to love your life as well. And we have webinars literally coming up in the next two weeks that people can join as long as they're a member and have given people a way to do it risk free. We've got a 14 day free window where people can sign up today. Ask me a question and sign up and their question will be in the running for some a question that

• 1:14:24Matthew Hussey?

  I'm going to answer on the next webinar. And that's at ask mh.com. So if you go to ask mh.com, you'll get the chance to A, ask a question that I'll try to answer on my next webinar. And B, you'll be able to sign up for free for 14 days. So even if you just join for 14 days and do a couple of webinars for free and then cancel, you can do that, but you'll see the value in it at least.

• 1:14:46Lewis Howes?

  Amazing. And for and for the Americans listening or watching, that's ask mh.com.

• 1:14:51Matthew Hussey?

  A S K M H dot com.

• 1:14:55Lewis Howes?

  Ask mh.com, yes. And if you want to follow one of the best YouTube channels in the world on any subject, go to Matthew Hussey's YouTube channel. I think you're almost at 2 million subscribers over there now.

• 1:15:09Matthew Hussey?

  It's If I I'm hoping we will have hit that by the time this

• 1:15:13Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, man, it's great.

• 1:15:15Matthew Hussey?

  Comes out this this is pretty crazy. I haven't checked that number in a long time. And then someone just mentioned to me the other day, like, you're about to hit 2 mil. I was like, oh, that's

• 1:15:22Lewis Howes?

  Amazing, man. It's amazing. It's honestly one of the most creative channels, best content, most thought out. It's it's amazing, even if you're a dude and you're not looking to get the guy. It's just great relationship advice, life advice, all that stuff. So make sure to subscribe there.

• 1:15:40Matthew Hussey?

  When when men say like, do you does your advice apply to us as well? I'm like, What do you think I'm using all day, every day?

• 1:15:47Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, exactly, exactly.

• 1:15:48Matthew Hussey?

  This is literally, I'm, I, this is, this may well as well be a diary of everything I'm learning in my life because I'm learning all of this with you guys. So I'm, I'm loving it and I'm trying this year to just be a more, a more vulnerable version of myself, I suppose, because I, I want, you know, I, I want people to know I'm on the path with them. This is not, you're not joining my membership to be lectured to, you're joining my membership to become a part of a, a, a, a community of people that all are, take growth, their own growth, really, really seriously, myself included.

• 1:16:22Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, everyone's on the journey. Thank you for opening up and sharing your journey. We, we covered a lot about living with someone in isolation, who's in a relationship, if you're long distance, or if you're broke up with someone recently, how to navigate that. Also, how to look for love while in this time right now. Make sure you guys check out askmh.com, subscribe to his YouTube channel, follow him on social media, some of the best social media content as well. I mean, I love your videos and content over there. So, check out Matthew, guys. Matthew, you're the man. I appreciate you, brother.

• 1:16:52Matthew Hussey?

  Thanks for having me, man.

• 1:16:53Lewis Howes?

  Can't wait till we hug it out soon, man.

• 1:16:56Matthew Hussey?

  Yeah, I look forward to it. For those of you who haven't had a hug from Lewis Howes, the man gives like top three hugs in the world.

• 1:17:04Lewis Howes?

  I love it, man. Thank you, brother.

• 1:17:05Matthew Hussey?

  Alright, man.

• 1:17:08Lewis Howes?

  I hope you enjoyed this episode with my good friend Matthew Hussey. I love how we just both went off on sharing our strategies and stories about how to truly figure out this time with our relationships. If you're single, how to manage being together in a tight space so much, how to be apart, how to make sure you don't go back to your ex during this time just because you're lonely. If you enjoyed this and you know there's at least one or two friends that would get a lot of value from this, then send this link, lewishouse.com/944. Text a couple of friends right now, post it on a WhatsApp group message, post it on your Instagram story, tag me, at Lewis Howes and Matthew Hussey to your stories, to your Twitter, to your Facebook, everywhere, to people you think

• 1:17:53Lewis Howes?

  need to hear this message the most. You truly have the opportunity to change someone's life. By spreading this message of love and positivity. So send the link LewisHowes.com/944. And if this is your first time here and someone sent you this link, send them a text back thanking them, telling them what you got out of this the most, the biggest lesson, what you learned, how it helped you, and continue to pay it forward. Please subscribe to our podcast over on Apple Podcasts, The School of Greatness. Leave us a review. We'd love to hear from you, how can improve this, make it better, or how this helped you in your life. And I love this quote from Liz Gilbert, who said, "Someday you're going to look back at this moment of your life as such a sweet time of grieving. You'll see that you were in mourning and your heart was broken, but your life was changing."

• 1:18:37Lewis Howes?

  I hope this is changing you for the better this time, this opportunity, this challenge, this struggle, whatever phase you're at in your life. I'm sending you lots of love. You matter so much. And you know what time it is? It's time to go out there and do something great.