I Feel Like We Should Fight More in Front of Our Kids

On today’s episode, we hear about: · A mom wanting to show her kids healthy conflict in marriage · A boyfriend seeking advice on how to address an uncomfortable situation · A young woman wondering how to protect her teen sister without breaking trust Next Steps: 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test 📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards 💭 John's Free Guided Meditation 🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch Connect With Our Sponsors: 🌱 Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. 🔴 Get 15% off with code DELONY at BON CHARGE. 🌿 Get up to 40% off with code DELONY at Cozy Earth. 🔒 Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe. 😇 Go to Hallow for a 90-day free trial. 💤 Visit Helix Sleep for special offers! 🥤 Get 20% off with code DELONY at Organifi. 💪 Get 25% off your order at Thorne. 🏋️ Go to Trainwell to get started! Listen to More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights 🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💰 George Kamel 🪑 Front Row Seat with Ken Coleman 📈 EntreLeadership Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy https://www.ramseysolutions.com/company/policies/privacy-policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:05Speaker 00

  Our oldest will be 16 in February, but she came home from a friend's house the other day and brought up something. She said, "Hey, Mom and Dad, I feel like you haven't prepared us for the real world." So alarms start going off.

• 0:19Dr. John Delony?

  You're so awesome. You're so awesome. I'd high five you if you were sitting right here. What up? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show, talking to you about your marriage, your relationships, your mental and emotional, whatever you've got going on in your life, your kids, your school. I don't know what's going on in your world. I know mine is B-A-N-A-N-A-S. Kelly, how's your world these days?

• 0:47Speaker 02

  Um, fine. I don't know how to answer that question. You've never asked me that.

• 0:53Dr. John Delony?

  That's not true.

• 0:55Speaker 02

  That was pretty much 100% true.

• 0:57Dr. John Delony?

  I always ask you how things are going.

• 1:00Speaker 02

  Yeah, but not on the show, like, starting a show like that. It's usually not like that. It's fine.

• 1:08Dr. John Delony?

  Is your life going like Kelly's is? This show is for you. It is so bad and chaotic, you can't even talk about it. If you want to be on the show, give me a buzz, 1-844-693-3291. Shows for real people going through real challenges, like Kelly. Like Kelly. I won't talk about your personal challenges on this show, but God help you.

• 1:29Speaker 02

  You're my personal challenge.

• 1:30Dr. John Delony?

  That is true. That is very true. If you want to be on the show, or you go to john deloney dot com slash ask. I would love to have you. We get calls from all over planet Earth, and we'd love for you to reach out and leave a message or fill out the form, and we'll see if we can get back to you and get you on the show. All right, let's go out to Dayton, Ohio, and talk to Joey. What's up, Joey?

• 1:48Speaker 00

  Hey, Dr. John, how are you?

• 1:52Dr. John Delony?

  Awesome. How are you?

• 1:53Speaker 00

  I'm doing well. I'm covered in snow up here, but other than that, we're great.

• 1:58Dr. John Delony?

  We don't know what that is down here in Nashville. Actually, we have a little bit of snow down here.

• 2:02Speaker 00

  I'm so jealous. I used to live in Knoxville. I miss it.

• 2:04Dr. John Delony?

  Exactly. And can I just give you a quick shout out? Joey was the name of my childhood crush on Dawson's Creek, and I named my daughter Josephine with the intention of her being named Joey, but it hasn't worked out.

• 2:19Speaker 00

  No way. Yeah, it was a pretty great show.

• 2:22Dr. John Delony?

  It was the best. Okay, so what's up, Joey? How can I help?

• 2:27Speaker 00

  Hey, so, yeah, so my husband and I have been married, it'll be eighteen years in August. Um, going really well, we're really happy, we have four kids. Um, but it, it's brought up a couple of funny things, our oldest will be sixteen in February, so heaven help us. Um, but she came home from a friend's house the other day and brought up something, she said, hey, mom and dad, like, I feel like you haven't, um, prepared us for the real world, so like alarms start going off. Um, and we asked her to elaborate on it, and she said, well, you guys are kind of like Disney parents because you don't cuss and you don't argue and you're constantly saying things like, we love you and we support you and we're really uplifting.

• 3:11Speaker 00

  I know, so I totally didn't see this coming because she said when she went to her friend's house, the parents were bickering and cussing and were really coming down on her buddies, um, and she's never seen that before. So, she said that, you know, when it comes time for her to get married and have relationships, we haven't demonstrated constructive conflict resolution, like, those are my words, obviously not my sixteen-year-old's words, but she's like, you guys never fight, like, I don't know what that's gonna look like when I get married, so then, my husband and I have kind of been reeling with it, we don't know how to do that productively and not, you know, have the earth move from under our kids' feet, because they've never seen that before, but I also feel like we haven't prepared them well enough to go to battle on their own for when they're an adult.

• 3:58Dr. John Delony?

  So, the, the, you're so awesome, you're so awesome, I'd high-five you if you were sitting right here. So, here's, here's meta number one, okay?

• 4:10Dr. John Delony?

  Your sixteen-year-old doesn't get a vote.

• 4:15Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 4:15Dr. John Delony?

  The fact that your child can get through high school without their parents ever screaming and cursing at them is a huge win.

• 4:24Speaker 00

  We thought so, until this came out.

• 4:26Dr. John Delony?

  No, no, no, here's what she's communicating to you. She found herself in an external situation that scared her and she did not, um...

• 4:39Dr. John Delony?

  Think of it like this, it's like, let's, let's say she was a 16 year old boy on a football field. And just turned the corner wrong and some linebacker knocked his head off.

• 4:50Speaker 00

  Uh huh.

• 4:52Dr. John Delony?

  If he came home and said, hey, you guys never hit me that hard. I was totally unprepared to get hit that hard. Right? That would make no sense.

• 5:01Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 5:02Dr. John Delony?

  And so psychologically, it's very similar. What you've given your kids is, when the world hits them in the mouth, which it will, they have two things that very few of their peers will have. Number one, a sturdy, to quote Dr. Becky Kennedy, a sturdy set of parents that they can be anchored into. So that when the world shoves them off a cliff, they don't fall to their death. They, they may bang up against the side of the cliff, but they're still anchored in. The second thing they have that is becoming an increasing luxury in this world, one of the highest privileges known to man. And that is an escape hatch. I can always go home. I'm welcome there.

• 5:46Dr. John Delony?

  And very, and here's the thing, it's really cool to look at like the, I'm making these names up, I don't know about their childhood, but the Elon Musks and the, the Bill Gates and like these, like, like Steve Jobs, like they had tough times growing up and what, and they, they made it. That's true. That's fair. But what that doesn't take into account, the millions and millions and millions and millions and millions of people who grew up with really tough times that are in nightmarish, um, uh, like

• 6:20Speaker 00

  Situations.

• 6:21Dr. John Delony?

  Situations with addiction or struggling with where to find homes or joblessness.

• 6:24Speaker 00

  My husband brought that up.

• 6:25Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 6:26Speaker 00

  Like our kids haven't faced adversity because we've been there for them. But I, what I tell the kids all the time, what I tell our oldest daughter, because she's really great about breaking down and like analyzing situations, I'm like, listen, I can't control the world, I can control home.

• 6:40Dr. John Delony?

  That's right.

• 6:41Speaker 00

  And, and if something happens out there, you can come back here because you know you have firm footing, but I can't protect you forever.

• 6:47Dr. John Delony?

  That's right. And so where you have to be careful is not to try to take home everywhere, just like to school. You're not allowed to hear mean things and you're not allowed, like, it's good that she sees that's how other people interact, because then she's going to get to decide, I'm not going to marry somebody like that that curses at me.

• 7:03Speaker 00

  So when I have friends that tell me that they have gotten divorced, or friends' parents that say, "Oh, you know, we made it look so easy," I think that's one of my biggest fears. Because my husband and I did overcome a lot, but it was way before the kids showed up.

• 7:16Dr. John Delony?

  Sure, absolutely.

• 7:17Speaker 00

  You know? They don't see that banter.

• 7:19Dr. John Delony?

  Well, and I think those conversations, when your kid reaches 14, 15, and 16, that's important. That's not, that's not a bad thing. I, I, um, took a 12-hour road trip one way, 12-hour road trip back with just my son over the holidays. It was amazing. Um, but I, he's in high school now. I told him some stories about me. He didn't know. And it was this, it was, um, that trip started with us kind of at odds, after a long semester of him just starting high school. My wife says it's like an old bull and like a young, like, like, she goes, "Man, this first semester was so annoying, you two, just like bumping into each other all the time." But it started with like, "My dad's kind of stupid."

• 8:01Dr. John Delony?

  It ended, man, like, pretty rad, same team, same team. Because it's like, "Hey, you're old enough to hear some of these stories. Here's why I do this, because of this." Like, "Oh, my goodness, Dad, I didn't know." I'm like, "Yeah, there's a lot you don't know, right?" But every 14, 15, 16-year-old, they think they know everything, and that's cool. Where I do think there could be some powerful moments is in two shape-shifting things. Number one, we're gonna show you behind the curtain, some, you're 16 now. Every week or every month, you're gonna do the budget with us. You're gonna see how much we make.

• 8:34Speaker 00

  Mm-hmm.

• 8:35Dr. John Delony?

  And you're gonna get to see how we allocate it and how expensive things are. And so we're not just gonna throw you to the wolves, so that you have to scratch and claw, figure it out for yourself, because we know 18-year-olds do a terrible job of figuring things out on their own. Sometimes they do, but most of the time, they don't. What we are gonna show you is it sucks out there. And here's how we do it. And we're gonna let you figure out how to get your oil changed, and we're gonna let you figure out this, and we're not gonna drive you anymore, you gotta go get your license, if she's one of those kids that doesn't like their license, and you're gonna still, you start paying for stuff. So it's, we're gonna increase the weight on the bar. She's 16, 17, 18, that's important.

• 9:15Dr. John Delony?

  But it's important when you're in the weight room in high school that they don't let you work out in there without coaches in there.

• 9:21Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 9:21Dr. John Delony?

  Right?

• 9:22Speaker 00

  So relationally, how do you think that would, I mean, I guess as she starts dating, we haven't crossed that yet, but as they start getting older with relationships, working through that also that way, like?

• 9:33Dr. John Delony?

  Well, no, this is part two. This is where you have an outsized responsibility. I want you, if at all possible, every week, every other week, I want you to begin to take the 16-year-old daughter of yours to breakfast before school, if at all possible. Tell your husband, you got morning duty here, if at all possible. It may not be possible, and maybe y'all gotta go to dinner, but here's what we're doing. We're setting up a context for when the conversation comes. Can I be super crass? Is that okay?

• 10:08Speaker 00

  No, please.

• 10:09Dr. John Delony?

  I want her, the first time some guy tries to undo her bra, to come to you.

• 10:14Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 10:15Dr. John Delony?

  I want her to have that.

• 10:16Speaker 00

  We've established, I mean, we have the dinners together and open dialogue, and honestly, we're doing the questions for humans, and she loves that.

• 10:24Dr. John Delony?

  Awesome, awesome. But I don't want her with your husband, I want her with you.

• 10:28Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 10:29Dr. John Delony?

  Because there's gonna come a moment when you can say, hey, this happened to me that one time. And her eyes will get real big and go, what? Or, me and your dad struggled like this. What? Yes. And if you wait for a big announcement, a big moment, a big thing, then it becomes a spectacle that kids can distance themselves from. If it comes from, every Tuesday we go to breakfast, every Tuesday we go to breakfast, hey mom, this boy tried to kiss me yesterday, and I didn't like it.

• 11:04Dr. John Delony?

  Now, you've built this relational equity, that these little questions sneak out, and they test you, and they test you, and they're not doing it intentionally, but they're, is she safe, is she safe, is she safe? I know we're safe at the dinner table, I know we're safe with dad, but there's other layers to this. Is this okay? And then you can say, no, no, no. One time in high school, a guy tried to do this, and here's what happened. Or, one time in college, this happened.

• 11:29Speaker 00

  Right, you're just giving them the tools to be safe and productive humans.

• 11:33Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, but they're not tools, they're relational connectivity.

• 11:40Dr. John Delony?

  And I think that's where parents struggle. Kids, they need information and they need models and they need systems, but they need relationships way, way more.

• 11:50Dr. John Delony?

  So I can tell my son, "Hey, don't do X, don't do Y." It is infinitely more powerful when I say, "Hey dude, one time I did this and here's what happened and it cost me 10 years of my life. Don't do this."

• 12:05Dr. John Delony?

  Or when I say, "No, here's why."

• 12:08Dr. John Delony?

  Or, "Here's my rules and expectations and you're gonna break my rules and expectations and you can always come home."

• 12:17Dr. John Delony?

  But I think most parents wait until something bad has happened, or to some value is challenged, or until a kid leaves the house, or they wait until there's some big grand, like, announcement.

• 12:32Dr. John Delony?

  And one of my things I teach parents is often as possible, take all the steam out of those things. That was the question for humans. Things, make conversations and interactions and connection a part of your life.

• 12:44Speaker 00

  And that sounds so basic, but it makes so much sense.

• 12:47Dr. John Delony?

  It, it, we've over sophisticated ourselves. I think we got a bunch of academics, myself included, in a room and we came up with all these theories and models, but 16-year-old's life just keeps going.

• 12:58Dr. John Delony?

  Their life just keeps going and keeps going and keeps going and we'll come up with a, with a teaching strategy and a plan. They don't want to know that. They want to, their eyes to get huge and be like, "Some guy tried to kiss you mom and you didn't like that?" Like, "Yeah, it was a bad deal. Here's what happened." Or even age appropriate, "Yeah, some really scary things happened to me when I was in college and I'll tell you more about when you're older, but I need you to trust me on this one. You're not gonna go out with that boy again."

• 13:24Dr. John Delony?

  Or, "I know that boy looks funny." Like, it shocks my daughter that my mom, that her mom dated a guy and married a guy that had five earrings and real long hair, except for the seasons when I shaved my head and I had, I goes, I was, she was like, "What? My mom?" Right? And so it's, it's good for her to know those things. And it's good for her to know that I was not a great human being at one time. And like, it's good for them to see how we work things out.

• 13:53Dr. John Delony?

  But man, this idea that you have to hit your kids to toughen them up because the world's gonna hit them, that just causes CTE. That's dumb.

• 14:01Speaker 00

  That's terrible.

• 14:02Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, it doesn't make sense.

• 14:04Speaker 00

  And you know, I'm like, my husband and I are joking, I'm like, you know, you don't want to throw a fake argument, you know what I mean?

• 14:10Dr. John Delony?

  Right.

• 14:11Speaker 00

  We don't want to do that in front of our, we don't do that naturally, so it sounds so strange. Like, how do we, would we show, you know?

• 14:17Dr. John Delony?

  You, what you do is you show, because what is an argument? An argument is, um, it, it's any number of things. It can be old emotional things, but it basically, it's a, it's a strategy to solve a problem.

• 14:33Dr. John Delony?

  And that problem might be, I want to be heard. The problem might be, I'm mad, I just want you to be mad too. That problem might be, I don't want to eat here, I want to eat here. Who knows what the argument's about?

• 14:42Speaker 00

  Sure.

• 14:42Dr. John Delony?

  But it's a, it's a strategy to solve a problem. And in your house, y'all solve problems every week by doing a budget together.

• 14:50Dr. John Delony?

  In y'all's house, you put sex on the calendar. 16, maybe too young, but maybe not, to be like, see that asterisk on the calendar? That's for us. And she'll go, oh my gosh, right?

• 15:02Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 15:03Dr. John Delony?

  But that's not a bad thing.

• 15:06Dr. John Delony?

  And it might be, it wasn't always like that. Or, this is date night, and this is when things get grody, comody, so y'all are gonna want to go to bed. Oh, mom! And she'll go to bed, and she will be, uh, and also, her soul will be at peace.

• 15:21Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 15:22Dr. John Delony?

  Right? And so, it's, it's bringing them behind the curtain to see the planning of those things, because that's how this family, that's how we are modeling how we solve problems. You don't have to go to war.

• 15:32Dr. John Delony?

  Every time.

• 15:35Speaker 00

  Right, it doesn't look like war, it just looks like family dynamics, but she's learning what healthy looks like.

• 15:40Dr. John Delony?

  That's right, that's right.

• 15:41Speaker 00

  Every day.

• 15:42Dr. John Delony?

  And so, I think, here, here's what I would love you to do, take your daughter out for breakfast, and be like, hey, tell me about what scared you in that house?

• 15:50Dr. John Delony?

  Like, what scared you?

• 15:53Dr. John Delony?

  And then, she can tell you some things, and maybe, a story will pop into your, into your head about you and your husband when y'all first got married, or when y'all were dating.

• 16:02Dr. John Delony?

  Or when he cheated on you with an old girlfriend, you know, first dating and you've never told anybody that and be like

• 16:06Speaker 00

  That's another show, John.

• 16:10Dr. John Delony?

  There's always

• 16:10Speaker 00

  No, I'm totally kidding. We've come a very long way. We're very happy.

• 16:13Dr. John Delony?

  I know, I know, I know, but there's always, but there's always things, right? But they, they, but I think when a kid, what your 16 year old is telling you is mommy, I was really scared.

• 16:23Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 16:23Dr. John Delony?

  And I think you and your husband need to high five each other because they got really, she got really scared and they came to you. And it came in the form of a complaint. It came in the form of a, a 16 year old often doesn't have the, the verbal acumen to say, I went to a house that they were fighting. I'm so grateful that you two have cho- like to chosen to handle your situations and adult, they don't know to do that. They just come home and they have to blame mom and dad. Y'all didn't prepare me for X, Y, and Z.

• 16:50Speaker 00

  I know. I was not ready for that, you know, but

• 16:53Dr. John Delony?

  But look, look at it as what it was. It was a 16 year old saying, I was scared and they came to you. Y'all should high five each other.

• 17:02Speaker 00

  For who? That's a win.

• 17:04Dr. John Delony?

  Yes. What you don't want is a kid, your kid to go to another house and they find peace there. And they don't want to come home.

• 17:15Dr. John Delony?

  Cause that friend of hers that she went to visit, she's going to come to y'all's house.

• 17:20Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 17:20Dr. John Delony?

  Y'all are going to laugh. You're going to be goofy and hopefully your husband's poking fun at everybody and you're poking fun back. You're playing questions for humans and you're laughing and her nervous system will tick down about 15 heartbeats a minute. And she's going to want to be at your house more than her house and she won't even know why. And she'll probably make fun of y'all. Your parents are so lame. They don't let you do anything, but

• 17:45Dr. John Delony?

  Right?

• 17:47Speaker 00

  Yep.

• 17:47Dr. John Delony?

  That's what I don't want.

• 17:52Dr. John Delony?

  So for whatever it's worth, you're doing a good job.

• 17:55Speaker 00

  Well, thank you. I appreciate it. I think most days we, we can breathe at night knowing, you know, our kids would rather be home than most places. So that's a little parenting win when they're teens that they, they like to be home. They, you know, enjoy time with friends, but we're a safe place for them and that's what my job was and we've done it.

• 18:13Dr. John Delony?

  The world will give them plenty of concussions. They don't need them from you. You know this, and I've got a young daughter, so it breaks my heart to say this. The world will tell my daughter all kinds of awful things about her, yours too.

• 18:29Speaker 00

  Yep.

• 18:30Dr. John Delony?

  Right?

• 18:32Dr. John Delony?

  She doesn't need that from me to toughen her up. What she needs is to know, no matter who says what, or how, or when, if I have to, if I, if I, if I need to,

• 18:45Dr. John Delony?

  that guy will come running for me.

• 18:49Speaker 00

  Absolutely.

• 18:50Dr. John Delony?

  That's it. Right? And then she can go do crazy amazing things.

• 18:59Dr. John Delony?

  So, good job on you guys.

• 19:00Speaker 00

  I hope so. Thank you so much.

• 19:03Dr. John Delony?

  You're amazing. Appreciate you. Thanks for the call and... Yeah, I'm gonna leave it at that. You're my hero today, Joey. You and your husband. I don't wanna wait! God, I love Dawson's Creek. We'll be right back.

• 19:16Dr. John Delony?

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• 19:59Dr. John Delony?

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• 20:39Dr. John Delony?

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• 21:23Dr. John Delony?

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• 22:08Dr. John Delony?

  That's trainwell.net/deloney.

• 22:13Dr. John Delony?

  Let's go out to San Antonio, Texas, some of the greatest food on planet Earth, and talk to Jack. What's up, Jack?

• 22:20Speaker 03

  Hey, how's it going, Dr. John?

• 22:21Dr. John Delony?

  Doing good, brother. What's up with you, man?

• 22:24Speaker 03

  Um, so my question for you today, um, is my current girlfriend is best friends with her ex-boyfriend.

• 22:35Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, nope.

• 22:39Dr. John Delony?

  No, but like, seriously, no. How long have y'all been dating?

• 22:43Speaker 03

  Um, coming up on four months now.

• 22:46Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, dude.

• 22:49Dr. John Delony?

  All right, keep going. I want to interrupt you, but keep going.

• 22:52Speaker 03

  Um, so kind of a little bit of a background. Um, I was in a long-term relationship for a while. Um, I went through a pretty bad breakup, um, a little over half a year ago. And during that time, um, I met her at work, um, and things kind of kicked off. She's been super sweet, um, really caring, really considerate, um, and it's just been really good all the way around. Um, but-

• 23:26Dr. John Delony?

  Except for she's kind of still with her ex-boyfriend, yeah.

• 23:30Speaker 03

  She's very close to him, um, and he probably hangs out with her at least four days out of the week. Um-

• 23:42Dr. John Delony?

  So, hold on, man.

• 23:45Dr. John Delony?

  What, what do you, ah, what, what do you not see in here, man?

• 23:52Speaker 03

  I think, I think for me, because I've brought it up to her and I've, I've talked to her about it, um, about my concerns and she's like, hey, you know, it is, it is strictly platonic now. He was there for me during some really, really hard times. We both understand each other very well and, um, we're just there as, as friends that support each other.

• 24:16Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, so, so let's put her off to the side. What are you doing, man? You know.

• 24:23Dr. John Delony?

  You know.

• 24:27Speaker 03

  I think it's, it's hard.

• 24:29Dr. John Delony?

  You know, you know.

• 24:33Dr. John Delony?

  Like, like, like you're worth more than this.

• 24:37Speaker 03

  Yeah, it's-

• 24:39Dr. John Delony?

  Right?

• 24:41Speaker 03

  Yeah, it's, it's-

• 24:43Dr. John Delony?

  You're worth dating a woman who doesn't hang out with her ex-boyfriend four nights a week.

• 24:49Speaker 03

  I feel like I just wanna see it the way that she's presenting it to me. As if, you know, because maybe it's true that it really is just completely platonic.

• 25:00Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, but here's the deal, it doesn't matter. Here's why. You get to decide, especially in the beginning of a dating relationship, you're just a few months in. You get to decide what you're comfortable with and what you're not comfortable with. It doesn't matter if it's a thousand percent platonic. What you have said is, "Hey, I have a value." And that is, um, "It makes me uncomfortable." When you're with a person that you used to be all hot and heavy with for a long time. And y'all hang out three or four nights a week, y'all are always talking. It makes me uncomfortable as your new boyfriend. And she has said, "Well, I don't really care what you feel or what you think.

• 25:45Dr. John Delony?

  He gets me and he knows me and we really understand each other. And he was there for me during a hard time." And you get to go, "Cool." She's allowed to do that. But what you're doing right now is you're taking your discomfort and you're just swallowing it, you're just shoving it down. And it will return with a vengeance.

• 26:09Speaker 03

  Yeah, I feel like I'm good with that. I kinda push a lot of my needs down.

• 26:13Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, don't dude. They will, they're gonna erupt. They will come out at real, in opportune times. And what often happens is you'll end up snapping, you'll end up yelling or screaming or doing something goofy. Calling her 500 times one night or something, and you're gonna look like the crazy one.

• 26:29Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, we've already had a couple of different arguments and kinda fights about it. And, and she's just really stood on the point that he is there to stay in her life. And I just, I, I can't get over that. I, she, she's had us try and hang out all together. Go like to the gym together.

• 26:56Dr. John Delony?

  I've taken that call before, man. Whoa.

• 27:02Speaker 03

  Yeah, but I just, I can't get comfortable with it.

• 27:06Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. I, I don't know, um...

• 27:15Dr. John Delony?

  I don't know many that could, especially at the beginning of a relationship like this.

• 27:23Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 27:24Dr. John Delony?

  Does that make sense? Like, I don't have, I am on,

• 27:30Dr. John Delony?

  um, that's even faded out in the last few years. But for years, I was still on speaking terms, still like on, I've got good relationships with most of the people I used to date. But it's when they become your go-to person, they become your, your, your main connection. You're never gonna be able to develop anything with her.

• 27:52Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 27:52Dr. John Delony?

  Cause she's plugged into somebody already.

• 27:56Speaker 03

  That's what my big concern was.

• 27:58Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. So here's the deal. It's heartbreaking. You like her, right? Sounds like you like her.

• 28:04Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah.

• 28:05Dr. John Delony?

  It's cool, fun to hang out with, that's awesome. No relationship is worth, um, absolving your values for. Some relationships are worth questioning your values, like, do I really believe what I think? And I've changed before, cause I was really like, I'm gonna believe this. And then I met somebody and they challenged those values and I was like, I was immature, I was wrong. That's all great and good. But having a value of, no, if I'm gonna be your person, I want you to, I want us to learn to lean on each other. I want us to learn to grow together. I don't want you to just tell me, oh, you just have to accept the fact, I've already got this other former romantic person. They're already my foundation and my anchor, you and I will just play.

• 28:49Speaker 03

  Hmm.

• 28:49Dr. John Delony?

  I'm not having that. I don't know many people that would have that.

• 28:54Speaker 03

  Yeah. She, she does confide in him emotionally about a lot of stuff and it's not, whenever we're hanging out, she doesn't do the same thing with me and I've kind of brought it up.

• 29:05Dr. John Delony?

  Of course she wouldn't, why would she? She already has somebody.

• 29:09Dr. John Delony?

  She doesn't have to do the hard work of reconnecting with somebody emotionally. That's a hard thing to do.

• 29:17Dr. John Delony?

  Which means she's never fully disconnected from this guy. Which means they're not broken up.

• 29:27Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 29:29Dr. John Delony?

  Man, I feel like I am ruining your day, dude.

• 29:33Speaker 03

  No, no, I, I feel like a lot of this stuff's been in the back of my head for quite a while. And it's just, I've, I've been trying to be patient. I've been trying to be understanding and seeing things from her perspective.

• 29:49Speaker 03

  Cause she's, she's talked, we've talked about it quite a bit and I just.

• 29:53Dr. John Delony?

  I don't think, I don't think this has to be a blow up. I don't think this has to be a explosion or she gets to do what she wants to do, brother. And so do you. But I do think there's a gentle and a, but yet confident, right? A gentle, yet confident. Hey, I'm gonna go ahead and call this. I really loved being your boyfriend. It's been fun. Um, I just have different expectations for him dating and I wish you the absolute best.

• 30:20Dr. John Delony?

  And we still work together, we're gonna be friends.

• 30:23Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 30:26Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 30:27Dr. John Delony?

  Here's the other thing. You're a grown man, you don't have to do what I say. And I don't want to be in the habit of breaking up couples, right? And so if you're like, you know what? I got a good arrangement. She holds my hands on the weekend and, um, she just does all the emotional and psychological and spiritual stuff with him.

• 30:49Dr. John Delony?

  That's a weird way to build a life, bro, but you knock your lights out. But I mean, I think you, you knowing in this call, like, um,

• 31:00Dr. John Delony?

  let me just say this, you're not crazy. You're not crazy. Your gut feeling is right. Go with your gut. I'll leave it there. And to be a good brother to me, dude, go get some chips and queso there in San Antonio, Texas. Some of the best chips and queso on planet earth. Do that for me today. Thank you so much. We'll be right back.

• 31:23Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, good folks, Lent is just a few weeks away. And if you haven't heard of Lent, it's a practice that goes back centuries. And it's when Christians all over the world get ready for Good Friday and Easter through different kinds of prayer, meditation, and fasting. It's about getting rid of the things or habits in your life that get in the way of knowing God and of living a full, joyful life. So whether you grew up in the Christian tradition and want to experience Lent in a whole new way, or you think all of this sounds crazy and you just want to learn more, check out Hallow's Lent Pray 40 Challenge. The Lent Pray 40 Challenge walks you through great stories and guided prayers. Last year, more than a million people around the world prayed with Hallow every day during

• 32:06Dr. John Delony?

  Lent, and this year will be even bigger and better. Plus, right now, you can get three months of Hallow, the number one prayer app in the world, for free when you sign up at hallow.com/daloni. And that means your trial will last all through Lent. When you join, you can check out over 10,000 of their guided prayers and meditations. So download the app and sign up at hallow.com/daloni to get notified when the Lent Pray 40 Challenge begins. That's hallow, H-A-L-L-O-W, dot com slash daloni for three months of Hallow absolutely free.

• 32:43Dr. John Delony?

  All right, we're back. So we had a call coming in. Somebody wrote in to the show, and we had to set up, and we had a scheduling challenge. But the call is so important that I want to read the letter, the note that came in, and answer it here, live, because I think this is applicable to all of us. Here's the question. It's from Sydney in San Diego, California. "My 16-year-old sister has been having sex with her current boyfriend. I'm concerned as the oldest sister, as our parents allow her to go over to his house under the guise that their relationship is innocent. She had a previous boyfriend when she was 14, in which I had to get her Plan B as they had unprotected sex, and her boyfriend couldn't get it for her, he was too young.

• 33:28Dr. John Delony?

  I feel caught in the middle as she's my baby sister, and we've always been relatively close through issues at home. We've always been the only safe space for one another, but her sexual decisions regarding her boyfriend's concern me as she has no job, no car, and she's too young to be responsible for the consequences of having sex." I debate telling my parents, but I know this would be a huge breach of trust in our relationship. How should I handle this to keep her safe and respect our relationship? I'm 19 years old and when she needs help, um, she's open, um, yeah, she's 19 years old.

• 34:04Dr. John Delony?

  Um, when it comes to sexual relationships with minors, when it comes to kids, teenagers drinking, trying drugs out, you know, smoking weed, when it comes to adult friendships or relationships, uh, maybe you know your friend is having an affair, maybe you know your friend is struggling with distorted eating or some sort of addiction on their own, or any number of things. It can also often feel like the most important thing in that relationship is the phrase, "I won't tell anyone."

• 34:47Dr. John Delony?

  This trust. And I happen to have been a, just, I've done this for long enough, um, for 20 plus years where people got really, really hurt because everyone around them said, "I won't tell anybody." And it might've been because they were considering hurting themselves and they said, "You swear you won't tell?" And like, "Yeah, I promise I won't tell." "Well, I've been having suicidal thoughts and nobody says anything." Or, "Don't tell anybody, but I've been sleeping with so and so." And they're 14, they're a child. They're 16, they're a child.

• 35:31Dr. John Delony?

  And we feel trapped between, um, it's not my responsibility to say anything, especially when they're adults, right? Um, they promised they wouldn't tell that they're cheating on our mutual friend and so when we have dinner together as a couple, it's kinda awkward because I know she's sleeping with somebody else, but her husband's here too and...

• 35:51Dr. John Delony?

  I've just come to believe that this question here, I know this would be a huge breach of trust in our relationship. When you're 19 and your 16-year-old sister is putting herself at such catastrophic risk by having unprotected sex as a 14-year-old, as a 16-year-old, the breach in the relationship is not reaching out as an adult, as a 19-year-old, to protect that 16-year-old from themselves. I'll never blame a 16-year-old for being curious about sex and intimacy. I'll never blame a 16-year-old about being curious about alcohol. They're 16. They're hormonal and they're curious. Those two things together, it's like gasoline meet match. It's the adults in their lives that are...

• 36:33Dr. John Delony?

  It's our job to create boundaries and safe contexts and to have connected relationships. It's not our job to keep secrets. Under the guise of, "If I tell on them, they're not gonna tell me anything." Maybe, maybe. But every one of my friends knows I'll lose that all day long if it keeps you safe. I'll lose that all day long if it keeps my integrity. So there's been relationships I've had in my life where I've said, "Hey, you got 48 hours and I'm gonna make this phone call for you." I've had friends say, when I've told friends, "Hey, before today is over, you and me are going... or you're going to a psychiatric hospital.

• 37:13Dr. John Delony?

  I'd drive you, I'll take you, or I'm gonna call 911, they're gonna come pick you up. But you're gonna go. How do you want this to go? I'll call your dad, I'll call your mom." I've told a police officer and another sergeant that... who wanted to wait 12 hours before they communicated to a dad that his son had passed away. I said, "You tell your supervisor to call me, I'm calling him right now." So he's not gonna wait 12 more hours to find out that his child had passed away. And I called the dad and I told him. And so I...

• 37:47Dr. John Delony?

  I guess what I want you to hear me say as we started this new year. Number one, secrets will kill you. Secrets will kill you. Secrets will kill your relationships, secrets will kill your friends. Let 2025 be the year that you don't hold secrets anymore. Be free, be free, be free in your house, be free in your own heart, be free in your own chest. Be free with your friendships and connectivity. Number two, often the most trusting, loving thing you can do in a brother sister relationship, in a mother father relationship, in a sibling relationship, in a best friend relationship, is to call out things where you see your friends getting hurt. When you see them doing destructive things, especially in kids.

• 38:31Dr. John Delony?

  You have no option with kids. You have to ring the alarm with kids. And I understand, hey, if you have a friend who's cheating on her husband, fine, I'm not gonna call husband, but I'm not hanging out with you anymore. I'm a step away. I'm a step away, because what you're asking me to do is to not be honest with my partner. You're asking me not to be honest with my friend, your husband. And that is a breach of friendship, right? That's actually a breach of trust. And so broadly speaking, I have a reputation with my friends and with people who call in, and I work with people all over the country behind closed doors, as being a vault. My wife doesn't know who I talk to. I just keep it quiet.

• 39:15Dr. John Delony?

  Just, it's silence. But everyone that I talk to also knows, now if there's a reason to make a phone call, Dylan's gonna make a phone call. And it's not because I'm better, it's because I've been on the other side when I didn't. And I can't get those back. So to Sydney in San Diego, California, as a 19-year-old, a big sister of a 16-year-old, God bless you for being in her life and for being a safe place for her to call. This is when you go get involved directly. Yes, you need to include your parents, unless your parents are absent, they're abusive, they're struggling with their own addictions. And then you need to get a minister involved, a pastor involved, a school counselor involved. You need to get some people involved because she's your 16-year-old sister is a child.

• 40:00Dr. John Delony?

  She's a kid, doesn't need to be having unprotected sex at 16 years old.

• 40:05Dr. John Delony?

  After having unprotected sex to the 14 year old. It's a kid that's really struggling to reach out and trying to grab hold of something that resembles connection. And she needs you to bring other adults, probably trained adults into the situation ASAP. If you're an adult, if you're a grown up like me, if you're really old, like kind of the geriatric population like Kelly or others, the responsibility is the same. If you have kids in your life, you have a mandate, you will get involved. If it's abuse, if it's sexual relationships, if it's alcohol consumption, if it's drugs, all that, you will get involved, they're kids. If it's your friends, let this be the year we're not keeping secrets anymore. Breach of trust is often silence.

• 40:49Dr. John Delony?

  A breach of trust is often silence. Not gossip, but silence. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. You've probably heard people talk about different kinds of flags and friendships and romantic relationships. You've got red flags and green flags and beige flags. Listen, it can be helpful to look for relationship patterns or unsafe behaviors. But to me, all these flag labels can distract from what's really important when you're trying to find a lasting relationship. What's really important are your values and your potential partner's values and whether both of you are willing to wake up every day and choose to honor each other's values.

• 41:32Dr. John Delony?

  But when you grow up in challenging environments, or given how we are bombarded with everyone else's values all day, every day, it can be tough to even know what are my values? What is important to me? And in a relationship, how will I show up and honor myself and love my partner? Let's forget all of those flags and instead ask the question, how can I learn to know what I even value? Therapy can help you figure out what you value, learn what you're looking for in relationships, and then help you decide your boundaries and your non-negotiables. If you're thinking about starting therapy, try BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy that works with your schedule. To get started, just fill out a short online survey. To get matched with a licensed therapist and if it's not the right fit,

• 42:17Dr. John Delony?

  you can switch therapists at any time for no extra money. So whether you're dating, married, building a friendship, or just working on yourself, give it a shot with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com/deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H E L P, dot com slash deloney.

• 42:39Dr. John Delony?

  All right, we're back. Kelly, all right, something cool happened. What is it?

• 42:42Speaker 02

  All right, this is from Amy and she says, hey, Dr. John, Kelly and the team.

• 42:46Dr. John Delony?

  Did you add Kelly in the team?

• 42:48Speaker 02

  Nope, written right here.

• 42:49Dr. John Delony?

  All right.

• 42:50Speaker 02

  I'll show you.

• 42:50Dr. John Delony?

  No, I trust you.

• 42:52Speaker 02

  I'm so appreciative of your show and wanted to share something cool that happened in my life. I'm currently a mom of two under 18 months and about six months ago I was feeling very lonely. All of my good friends are still in graduate school and on a different path and different part of life than I'm in. Because of your show, I decided to reach out to two girls that I knew in high school that I haven't talked to in seven years and ask if they wanted to pick to meet up at a park because I needed mom friends. Now we try to meet up at least twice a month with all seven kids that are under the age of four to hang out, talk and watch the kids play.

• 43:27Dr. John Delony?

  Yes!

• 43:27Speaker 02

  Thank you for helping me do the right thing and make a vulnerable step to gain new friends.

• 43:31Dr. John Delony?

  That's it. That's it. It's the hardest, easiest thing you can ever do. The hardest, easiest thing you can ever do. Last night, um, uh, we had dinner with a couple of friends and my wife was like, hey, we're playing matchmaker this year for John. He's getting friends. And so, um, yeah, I know, not that kind of matchmaker.

• 43:52Speaker 02

  I was like, wow, she's finally done.

• 43:53Dr. John Delony?

  I'm calling it, I'm calling into my own show next week. Um, but like, we're, you're gonna get friends. And so she's like, I have a couple of guys I think John would hang out with. What do y'all think? And they were matching. I was in front of them and I was like, what are we doing here, guys? Like, I'm a grown man and my wife's like, yeah, you're, you're, you're not doing a great job. So, um, yeah, good for you. Listen, 2025, pick up the phone. Make the call, shoot the text message and if they can't come, that stinks. But let's go find somebody else that can. I promise you, I promise you, this woman, if they keep meeting like that, all three moms, all seven kids, everybody's gonna benefit from that. Their extended families, everybody's gonna benefit from that sense of community and connection.

• 44:38Dr. John Delony?

  So great, so awesome. And two kids, 18 months and not younger. Ah!

• 44:45Dr. John Delony?

  Yikes. Love you guys, stay in school, don't do drugs, bye. (music)