How Do I Get My Ex-Fiancée Back After I Lied?

On today’s episode, we hear about: · A man seeking advice on how to regain his ex-fiancée’s trust · A woman trying to convince her partner they need a marriage license · A wife struggling to save her marriage after retirement 📱 Early access: Watch episodes of The Dr. John Delony Show one week early—download the free Ramsey Network app today! Next Steps: 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test 📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards 💭 John's Free Guided Meditation 🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch Connect With Our Sponsors: 🌱 Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. 🔴 Get 15% off with code DELONY at BON CHARGE. 🌿 Get up to 40% off with code DELONY at Cozy Earth. 🔒 Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe. 😇 Go to Hallow for a 90-day free trial. 💤 Visit Helix Sleep for special offers! 🥤 Get 20% off with code DELONY at Organifi. 💪 Get 25% off your order at Thorne. 🏋️ Go to Trainwell to get started! Listen to More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights 🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💰 George Kamel 💼 The Ken Coleman Show 📈 EntreLeadership Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy https://www.ramseysolutions.com/company/policies/privacy-policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:05Speaker 00

  I'm trying to earn the trust that I had destroyed and lost. I got fired and for five months after being fired, I lied.

• 0:16Dr. John Delony?

  What happened, happened. And if the way you're recounting the story is 100% accurate, you got unapologetically screwed.

• 0:28Dr. John Delony?

  What's up? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. So grateful that you've joined us. You're hanging out with us, spending your most precious resource, your time with us. This show talks to hurting people, trying to figure out what's the next right move. Maybe the world has dropped a few cinder blocks in their backpack. Or maybe they've blown their lives up. Or maybe they're standing on the edge of a challenging decision. They don't know which way to go. Or their kids are struggling. Whatever you've got going on in your life, this show is real people going through real challenges. And I'd love to have you on. If you want to be on the show, give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291. Or go to johndeloney.com/ask, A-S-K.

• 1:11Dr. John Delony?

  And you're going to fill out the form and it will shoot it over to Kelly and the tailor and they'll give you a buzz, man. See if we can have you on the show. Let's go out to Atlanta, Georgia and talk to Emmanuel. What's up Emmanuel? How we doing, man?

• 1:24Speaker 00

  I've had better days. How you doing?

• 1:27Dr. John Delony?

  I'm doing all right, brother. What's up, man?

• 1:30Speaker 00

  Well, I'm calling in because like I've listened to your show, like I guess everybody kind of opens with, but I listened to your show and I thought, man, if there's any chance I could hear a grain of truth or a little bit of a word that could help me and my significant other, then it's worth a shot. So my question ultimately, and I hope I don't babble too much, is I'm trying to earn the trust that I had destroyed and lost from my fiance and her family. And that's ultimately what I'm trying to get at.

• 2:07Dr. John Delony?

  What happened?

• 2:08Speaker 00

  Well, I'd like to take a seat.

• 2:12Speaker 00

  So.

• 2:15Speaker 00

  Take a breath here.

• 2:18Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, you're good, man. You're good. We're in no rush.

• 2:21Speaker 00

  So.

• 2:22Dr. John Delony?

  Do this. Do this. We're gonna, let's go in reverse order.

• 2:26Speaker 00

  Yep.

• 2:27Dr. John Delony?

  Tell me what happened. Or I'll be more direct. Tell me what you did. And then let's work back to how we got there, not the other way around.

• 2:34Speaker 00

  Okay, okay, okay. So I, I made two significant lies.

• 2:41Speaker 00

  The first was lying about my job. I got fired and for five months after being fired, I lied to her family, my family, my friends, pretty much everyone around me, never confessing that I got fired. So I both lied by omission and commission.

• 3:03Dr. John Delony?

  Why'd you get fired? Why'd you get fired?

• 3:06Speaker 00

  Yeah, so I, I guess a little background here. I worked as a strength and conditioning coach for a pro team here, and I was, I was doing that since last year.

• 3:20Speaker 00

  From that point, I got a promotion. There was a lot of changes going on with the coaching staff and kind of, let me, let me frame this a little bit better. So, so she and I have been in a relationship for fifteen months.

• 3:33Dr. John Delony?

  Hold on, whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on.

• 3:34Speaker 00

  Oh, I'm sorry. Sorry.

• 3:36Dr. John Delony?

  Why'd you get fired?

• 3:38Speaker 00

  Yeah, I got fired for violating a code of conduct and a lack of performance. They cited two situations, one in which I was a no-show, no-call, no-show last year, and I got fined ten, ten grand for that. The next was missing a meeting. Now, I, I, I don't believe that that's the only reason. The coaches around me didn't believe that that was the only reason, and it kind of feeds into my thought process at the time, but that's, that's what was cited on my termination document. I do believe that, I mean, not that I believe, I was told it came from the top, and I think that it has a little bit more

• 4:18Speaker 00

  to do with, I can dive into my past, but I, I think it has more to do with the owner knowing a person that I was, I guess another career field, didn't like me too much. And so it's a whole other story, but that's my, that's my opinion. But on, on paper, that's why I was fired.

• 4:40Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, so there's like, and here's what I'm trying to do, I'm trying to build towards,

• 4:48Dr. John Delony?

  because you're a ball of energy, right?

• 4:52Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 4:52Dr. John Delony?

  And?

• 4:53Speaker 00

  Ball of nerves, because I'm never, never open and misvulnerable, I mean, to say the least, and so.

• 4:59Dr. John Delony?

  Sure, yeah, but I mean, inside that energy is a whole bunch of swirling stories. And so, yeah, it's important, what I'm trying to get at is, how much ownership are you taking? How much is everything somebody else's fault? How much is it like, it just kind of was what it was? How much is it? You see what I'm saying? So that's what I'm getting at. So, okay, so you got fired and you didn't tell anybody?

• 5:24Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 5:24Dr. John Delony?

  And?

• 5:25Speaker 00

  I mean, getting fired, the reason I was fired for getting fired, it's all on me, at the end of the day. I mean, there's no excuse for that.

• 5:30Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, I got that, but I mean, sometimes we get fired and you're a, you're a strength and conditioning coach. You made it to the big leagues, right? And then you get fired. If that's been something you've been working for forever, and maybe you went on a flex tour, or everybody was excited for you, everybody was telling their friends that they know a guy who works for so and so, like, that's awesome. And then all of a sudden, you feel like you let everybody down. That's one thing. The other thing is, and I got fired for cause. I did something in violation, I blew a big shot. And it's kind of a pattern that I've had my whole life. And everyone's gonna go, yep. And so, I didn't tell them because of that.

• 6:12Dr. John Delony?

  And then one, not telling them turned into stretching the truth, turns into everybody thinks I still work there. And now I'm coming up with reasons why I'm not on the sidelines, or I'm not in practice, or whatever. And so, either way, you have an identity issue, right? So, what's the, what's the other big, what's the other big lie?

• 6:28Speaker 00

  The other big lie was, uh, so after apologizing, um, and confessing to everything, and giving as much documentation, being as transparent as I possibly can, um, she was extremely grateful. Um, and so then I lied, a few weeks after that, um, she had asked me, I said I was going to send her family some apology letters. And she had asked me if I had sent those letters to her family, and

• 7:00Speaker 00

  I, I just freaked out and I said I did when I didn't.

• 7:04Dr. John Delony?

  And then what happened?

• 7:07Speaker 00

  Nothing happened. Um, so after the, after the first lie, she was so gracious and um, understanding and trying to work and, and, and giving at least a door of communication. After that second lie, um, nothing happened. Um, all, all that, all that occurred was uh, no communication until finally uh, here recently, um, she, she essentially said, I'm, I'm cutting all ties and um, uh, I cannot be around someone who's the antithesis of me. Um, and, and essentially

• 7:51Speaker 00

  said, I worship the father of lies and uh, it um,

• 8:00Speaker 00

  she's, she's not wrong. She's not wrong. Um.

• 8:03Dr. John Delony?

  So why, why are you so terrified of being seen?

• 8:09Speaker 00

  Well, I've been, I've been, I started going to um, after the first lie, started going up there.

• 8:14Dr. John Delony?

  No, no, no, no, forget all that. Forget all that. Forget all that.

• 8:20Dr. John Delony?

  A lot of guys get into strength and conditioning.

• 8:23Speaker 00

  Mm-hmm.

• 8:24Dr. John Delony?

  Because that was their path.

• 8:27Dr. John Delony?

  To be seen.

• 8:31Dr. John Delony?

  And there's part, there's part of a hustle and a grind and a, and a discipline, which are all three really important things.

• 8:40Dr. John Delony?

  But it becomes an identity and sometimes that identity is used to wallpaper over other hurts. You don't like people to see you. Why not?

• 8:54Speaker 00

  So.

• 8:57Speaker 00

  Because I end up.

• 9:01Speaker 00

  I end up hurting people, I end up failing people, and then I get caught in this spiral of, of, I'm gonna say it's pride and selfishness, because then I think that, um, I, I start going into more of like an ego side.

• 9:17Dr. John Delony?

  Well, hold on, who have you, who have you hurt and failed? You've got this girlfriend of the year, okay? How old, how old are you, man?

• 9:26Speaker 00

  I'm thirty-five.

• 9:27Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, so you got this girlfriend of the year, and I don't wanna, I don't want to minimize it, but you've got a girlfriend of the year, and, and you're right, you blew it. You lied to her on too big, you, you lied to her about a big thing, but then, almost worse, you lied to her about a little thing. And I get like, her stepping back and be like, "Oh, that's who this dude is." Not, "He got fired from a big opportunity, and it was a huge thing, and he was ashamed, and I'll walk with him through that." I get that. Then it was something little and dumb, like, that was so clearly, I can, I can just make one phone call and find out.

• 10:02Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 10:03Dr. John Delony?

  And he rode that to the bottom of the ocean. Like, "Oh, that's just who this dude is." So I get that. But who have you failed and let down for so long? That, because here's the thing, when you lie like that, there's this belief that everyone around me is stupider than me. I can get away with this. I know more than. And that comes from somewhere. Give me another example of someone you let down and failed.

• 10:36Speaker 00

  Uh, back when I was, um, serving in the military, um, I was, I was honorably discharged, and I felt like I failed, I mean, everybody.

• 10:52Dr. John Delony?

  Why are you discharged?

• 10:54Speaker 00

  So, uh, I was part of a undercover operation for a group called OSI. And I worked with them for two years and we were able to get a lot of convictions for sexual assault. And, um, there was a, there's a lot of, and, and I know there's going to be a common denominator here, but essentially I was discharged for, uh, breaking the rules as far as it, uh, well, leaving, going over the fence, um, or, um, getting the merits. So this was at the Air Force Academy and, and it was national news at one point.

• 11:34Speaker 00

  Um, and so it took me years to get investigations done to actually bring out the truth. And the truth was, I was telling the truth the entire time I was telling the truth. But as a result of all the drama, um, close friends of mine, for example, uh, you know, we didn't want to be seen in public because I was the guy that was kind of marred. And if you were still active duty, you know, you kind of want to keep a bit of a distance. Um, it was a shock to my family and, and even myself because, um, I didn't, I didn't necessarily see it coming. Um, and it took so long to try to prove my name again, um, that from the time of being

• 12:17Speaker 00

  discharged to the time of being able to say, hey, look, I was telling the truth. We're talking, you know, five or six years. And, um, by then a lot of people distanced themselves from me.

• 12:27Dr. John Delony?

  So, hold on, you were, you were part of a team that was investigating military sexual assault. And as you brought people to justice, they threw you under the bus as the bad guy. And they blamed you for like, like inappropriate investigation tactics and things. And then you ended up somehow having to clear your name. Is that right?

• 12:49Speaker 00

  That's, that's pretty, pretty dang close, yeah. So I was, I was the fall guy.

• 12:54Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. A- a- as the group of military folks tried to save their own reputations saying, "We don't have a sexual assault problem here."

• 13:01Speaker 00

  That's exactly right.

• 13:02Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. And by the time, by the time you're cleared, um, your name's Mudd and it's, we're moving on.

• 13:12Speaker 00

  And, yeah, and then so, you know, all my, all my buddies and, and friends and, you know, friends from high school and friends, I mean, you name it, everyone doesn't know who Eric is at that time because there's just so much trauma and, and, you know, one uh, side of the house is saying one thing and I'm over here saying another and, you know, it takes years until the documentation come up to prove who is right, but in the meantime, you know, everyone just kind of distanced themselves, so.

• 13:38Dr. John Delony?

  Did you get reinstated? Why did your discharge, why was your discharge upheld?

• 13:43Speaker 00

  Right, so, um, I, I never did get reinstated. It's actually ironic because I, to this day, I'm still trying to completely clear my name despite being honorably discharged. Um, I have a rating that is similar to those who are convicted of sexual assault. So, uh, i- it's basically a, a double slap in the face where I have an honorable discharge, but if I tried to go into any other service in any other capacity, I can't because of what is written on that documentation. So it literally takes, uh, either the chief of sta- chief of staff, um, um, the president or your secretary of the air force to actually reverse it. And, um, it's been, uh, I would say a decades-long fight, um, to even get to that point. And, uh,

• 14:27Speaker 00

  yeah, so it's, it's, I was supposed to be a pilot originally. I was supposed to be flying and I, to this day, if there's ever an avenue to try to be heard, I still think about that and, and clear my name.

• 14:39Dr. John Delony?

  Sure. So, it, it seems, and you and I could probably go back even further. There's a pattern of clouds and shadows following you.

• 14:51Dr. John Delony?

  Is that fair?

• 14:53Speaker 00

  It's super fair. I was, um, I mean, I know.

• 14:59Speaker 00

  I was honest and told the truth. I was even polygraphed and it was something that I was telling the truth back then and I lost my career and helped a lot of good people. We had three convictions of sexual assault. We helped over 51 different victims and it was a lot of good, but I lost, I lost everything. I lost my name. I lost my career and when this happened, I, I freaked out. I, I, she was the next best thing to me and I didn't want to go back to that place again. And so I, I was ashamed. I was completely ashamed and there were other factors too and,

• 15:43Speaker 00

  and I would say just a lot of lies that were floating in my head. I also didn't, she has a story. She has a past and she's grown from it and I didn't want to look or resemble anything close to that past. I wanted to be a future of stability, uh, where I could, she feel safe and she feel supported and I became the very thing that I hated and I, uh,

• 16:03Dr. John Delony?

  Well, that's, that's what I want to double click on.

• 16:10Speaker 00

  Because I became a liar. I became a, I became a manipulator, became a liar. I, I became a man of fear. I became a coward.

• 16:20Dr. John Delony?

  But it's because, it's because it's, it's one of two things.

• 16:25Dr. John Delony?

  And we won't get to the bottom of it here, but I want, I want to just leave you with it. It's one of two things.

• 16:32Dr. John Delony?

  You know that deep down in your guts,

• 16:38Dr. John Delony?

  there is a shadow part of you. And you're real smart and you're real fast on your feet and you can talk your way and talk your way and you'll play the long game and you'll ride a story to the bottom of the Pacific Ocean.

• 16:55Dr. John Delony?

  Until either people give up or they just cross their eyes or they go, whatever, it's fine, or somebody's not able to prove something. It's either that

• 17:05Dr. John Delony?

  or you just got knocked out.

• 17:10Dr. John Delony?

  Go to Walgreens today and get a 79 cent pack of, of, uh, note cards.

• 17:17Dr. John Delony?

  And write out your schedule for today. And do that.

• 17:24Dr. John Delony?

  Wake up tomorrow morning and write out your schedule for that day and do that.

• 17:29Dr. John Delony?

  Write one act of service, whether that's writing a note to somebody, whether that's calling your mom, whether that's finding a friend and buying them a coffee, whether that is paying for somebody's food in a drive thru. Your eyes are so firmly planted in your belly button that you just stay in a loop. You're just in a spiral and you gotta do things to get your eyes up. So let's start there, telling the truth to ourself. I want you to take a pause on this trying to get this relationship back. It may be long gone, brother. Maybe not, but probably. It can't be a reason for getting up every day, trying to prove yourself.

• 18:05Dr. John Delony?

  And there's gonna be a part of this healing that is you getting with other men and telling the truth. Here's what happened to me when I was a little kid. Here is what I wanted to do today. Here's the lies that I told. Here's the ways, I got screwed by the military, but here's the way also I kind of fudged things too. Get the truth out of your body and into the world and exhale. Let people fully see you and what you're gonna find is most people, most of the time are like, man, yeah, me too.

• 18:33Dr. John Delony?

  And there's such freedom in that, you can't even imagine what it's like to sleep without any secrets.

• 18:41Dr. John Delony?

  But all that starts with you trusting yourself to do the next right thing.

• 18:45Dr. John Delony?

  Hang on the line, man, I'm gonna send you a copy of Building a Non-Anxious Life. That'll be my gift to you, man. I want you to follow it to the letter. Follow the path to the letter. I'll go get you some note cards and start there.

• 18:57Dr. John Delony?

  Thanks for the call, man. We'll be right back.

• 19:00Dr. John Delony?

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• 21:45Dr. John Delony?

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• 22:07Dr. John Delony?

  Alright, let's go to Dallas, Texas and talk to Linda. Hey Linda, what's up?

• 22:12Speaker 02

  How are you?

• 22:13Dr. John Delony?

  I'm doing great. How about yourself?

• 22:15Speaker 02

  Good. Um, I'll just, I guess I'll just go ahead and jump straight to it. Um, I have a, like I guess like a disagreement with my partner and so I was, um, my question is, how do you handle a disagreement of getting a marriage license? Um, but he doesn't tell you until after you've had a ceremony.

• 22:43Dr. John Delony?

  That's a great question.

• 22:45Speaker 02

  Uh, yeah.

• 22:46Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, so y'all had a big party, but you're not legally married, right?

• 22:52Speaker 02

  Yeah, but with Texas law, it gets confusing and so like, cause they're like common law marriage and so...

• 23:00Dr. John Delony?

  Yes, I, I, I am not a, um, family law expert, okay?

• 23:06Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 23:06Dr. John Delony?

  I did grow up and spend my life in Texas. I have had friends and colleagues and I've sat with them and walked through them through clean divorces and messy divorces in that state.

• 23:17Speaker 02

  Hmm.

• 23:18Dr. John Delony?

  And I am all about not inviting the government into any part of my life where I can avoid it.

• 23:28Dr. John Delony?

  And I got a marriage license before I did anything else.

• 23:37Speaker 02

  The uh, it's kinda like, I guess messy also because we did things out of order. Um, we have kids, but his, he, his license shows his, his um, his mom's address still, you know, we've been together since we were eighteen.

• 24:02Dr. John Delony?

  So you're dating, you're dating a child?

• 24:06Speaker 02

  Yeah, that's how it feels. And then like, he also, I've been wanting to get like a, buy a house for some time. Me personally, I don't personally have the funds in my own pocket. But he wa- I have a good credit, I just don't have the funds. Cause I've had some pretty hefty expenses come up within the last year and a half.

• 24:28Dr. John Delony?

  Please, for all it is holy, don't buy a house with this guy.

• 24:33Dr. John Delony?

  Please don't. Like, for real, please don't.

• 24:37Speaker 02

  But what I was gonna, about to say is, he, he wanted me, he first said, like, he waited till after we got, had a ceremony to say, um, for me to buy a house only in my name and then we'll get a license after that. Like, that doesn't make any sense, cause everyone I know that has real estate experience says it's easier or better, more beneficial to buy a house with both of you involved. Um, I'd like a married couple.

• 25:07Dr. John Delony?

  How old are you?

• 25:07Speaker 02

  I'm actually thirty-three.

• 25:09Dr. John Delony?

  So y'all been, you've been together since you were eighteen?

• 25:12Speaker 02

  Um, there was a time we were separated back in twenty twenty for like, a little over a year. Cause uh, this is where else it gets messy. He had an emotional affair.

• 25:30Speaker 02

  And I, uh, we had couples counseling. We did a class through church since then. But then, uh, like this year, she's like, it's kinda like, um, not, it's, it's, um, hasn't really gone well this year.

• 25:48Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, so I'm, I, I am heartbroken that nobody in your life has told you what I'm gonna tell you, okay?

• 25:56Dr. John Delony?

  I hate that I'm the first guy to do this. I don't, it's not like this is fun, okay?

• 26:01Dr. John Delony?

  But this is me talking to my fellow Texan friend. And if you've listened to this show for any time, you've heard me say this line over and over.

• 26:10Dr. John Delony?

  But behavior is a language.

• 26:12Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 26:13Dr. John Delony?

  And so what this guy has told you for a, more than a decade,

• 26:19Dr. John Delony?

  is he has zero, absolutely no interest in being your husband. Period.

• 26:27Dr. John Delony?

  He has no interest, zero interest in building a life with you.

• 26:34Speaker 02

  Yeah, somehow he wants me to change my last name to his, and I put him, I'm not going to until we had a marriage license.

• 26:40Dr. John Delony?

  He is a child.

• 26:43Dr. John Delony?

  He wants what he wants when he wants it. He's a kid with a bib on screaming for more Fruit Loops.

• 26:52Dr. John Delony?

  And he probably had a mom that gave him to him.

• 26:56Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 26:57Dr. John Delony?

  And so what he's-

• 26:58Speaker 02

  He was, yeah, pretty spoiled.

• 27:00Dr. John Delony?

  What he's used to is getting what he wants when he wants, and you've given it to him. You gave him a kid. You give him a place to live.

• 27:09Dr. John Delony?

  You've given him everything.

• 27:13Dr. John Delony?

  What you have to do is be honest about what is best for you, what is best for your child, and this is far from it.

• 27:21Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 27:22Dr. John Delony?

  Period. Please, please don't buy a house with him. Please don't.

• 27:31Dr. John Delony?

  Your instincts are absolutely correct. When it comes, there's data-

• 27:35Speaker 02

  I just don't know what to do from here. Like, that's kinda where I was going stuck and that's why I was reaching out.

• 27:41Dr. John Delony?

  So, you, you have-

• 27:42Speaker 02

  Firstly, my, my circle's very small unfortunately now. I've even had to cut off my own family because they're toxic. It's a long story there, um-

• 27:54Dr. John Delony?

  Well, lis- listen to me.

• 27:55Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 27:56Dr. John Delony?

  Listen. He has left you.

• 28:01Dr. John Delony?

  Long ago.

• 28:05Dr. John Delony?

  He does like sleeping with you.

• 28:09Dr. John Delony?

  And he does like the meals you provide. And if you do his laundry too, he likes that also.

• 28:18Dr. John Delony?

  But he has no responsibilities. He still has his mommy's address on his, on his, on his license. He's thirty-three years old.

• 28:25Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 28:27Dr. John Delony?

  Right? The, the world, the rules of the world have not applied to him because he's had two women make sure that they didn't.

• 28:35Dr. John Delony?

  And so you have to metabolize, not, "I want these things, but I'm afraid I'm gonna lose them." You have to metabolize this truth. He is long gone.

• 28:46Dr. John Delony?

  He's never been with you in the first place. Sure, he threw a party with you. Y'all had a Playhouse honeymoon, that was cool, probably.

• 28:56Speaker 02

  We did even have a-

• 28:57Dr. John Delony?

  Oh yeah, oh, there you go. Does he have a great job?

• 29:02Speaker 02

  Uh, it's alright, um, you know? Um, it's like, he has all this money in savings and I have nothing in savings currently because I was on paid leave for a few months this year and, um, like I said, other, um, pretty big expenses came up, so, and-

• 29:22Dr. John Delony?

  Did he swoop in with his savings and take care of the mother of his child?

• 29:28Speaker 02

  Like, when I was on paid leave, or what do you mean?

• 29:30Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. When you had big expenses pop in?

• 29:33Speaker 02

  No.

• 29:34Dr. John Delony?

  No. Why in the world would you marry a guy like this? He's unmarriable.

• 29:42Dr. John Delony?

  He doesn't care about anything other than himself. You're the mother of his kid.

• 29:47Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 29:48Dr. John Delony?

  You had to leave on unpaid leave for medical challenges or personal crisis. And he's got this big fat savings account. He's like, that's mine.

• 29:58Dr. John Delony?

  What are you doing, Linda?

• 29:59Speaker 02

  Well, he's saying it's hours, but at the same time, whenever this comes up. It's like, I've been trying to do like, you know, like have like,

• 30:10Speaker 02

  I guess like, finance type meetings with him every once in a while. We have polar opposite work schedules. Even like, having like a time with him is very sparse. And then all he did was just show me his balance on his bank account. Now that's it. I'm like, that's not a budget session or anything.

• 30:32Dr. John Delony?

  Linda, he doesn't want to be married to you.

• 30:37Dr. John Delony?

  And I know that's, that hits like a, like a, like a sack of bricks. I know that.

• 30:43Dr. John Delony?

  He doesn't want to be with you and he doesn't want to build a life with you.

• 30:48Dr. John Delony?

  He just wants to sit at his high chair and have somebody bring him more Fruit Loops.

• 30:53Speaker 02

  I'm taking credit for all the things I've done.

• 30:55Dr. John Delony?

  That's right.

• 30:58Dr. John Delony?

  And here's, here's your path. And it's not a pleasant one, okay? It's not fun. Path A is you can stay where you're at.

• 31:12Dr. John Delony?

  And you're showing your young son or daughter, this is what love looks like. This is what romance looks like. This is what, how adults care for one another, how that, what that looks like.

• 31:25Dr. John Delony?

  Or you can get your own apartment and you can tell him he's out. He can go back and live with his mommy like his license says.

• 31:33Dr. John Delony?

  And you can begin to build boundaries that you need. Because you haven't slept a full night in a long time. You haven't exercised in God knows how long. You haven't been taken out on a date in God knows how long.

• 31:47Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 31:51Dr. John Delony?

  You've been gaslit for the last decade.

• 31:57Speaker 02

  I guess I, I um, didn't really fully like, I guess, understand gaslighting until recently.

• 32:03Dr. John Delony?

  I know.

• 32:04Speaker 02

  To really.

• 32:04Dr. John Delony?

  I know, painful. Cause you've been thinking the last 10 years, there's just one more thing you needed to do and then finally you would be worth being loved. And you've been worth being loved this whole time.

• 32:15Speaker 02

  Um, I, I guess like, um, I guess the backstory of that too is I haven't really felt like that since my, even like in my childhood years.

• 32:27Dr. John Delony?

  I know.

• 32:27Speaker 02

  Um, like, I, um, there's some abuse in there and my mom wasn't protecting me and she actually like was supporting the person that was the abuser.

• 32:41Dr. John Delony?

  I got that. And that's evil. Hold on, hold on. It's evil and that's wrong.

• 32:46Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 32:47Dr. John Delony?

  It's evil and it's wrong.

• 32:50Dr. John Delony?

  And I'm saying this with you, not at you, okay? And now you're a 33 year old mother and you are responsible for what happens next.

• 32:59Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 33:00Dr. John Delony?

  Period.

• 33:03Speaker 02

  And I guess let me know if this is also gaslighting or not, but um, I actually went through like a, in a way like a rite of passage to get over my trauma the best I could. And he actually took credit in some of that. But just because he was in the picture is, I guess, like a support, but I'm the one that did the work.

• 33:30Dr. John Delony?

  I can't judge that. I can't judge that. I mean, I, I, I don't.

• 33:33Speaker 02

  I just wasn't sure that was gaslighting or what because I'm the one that did the work and he's trying to like take the credit for me being past my stuff.

• 33:42Dr. John Delony?

  You, you and your guts now.

• 33:46Dr. John Delony?

  You and your guts now.

• 33:50Dr. John Delony?

  You've not trusted yourself for so, so long. So long, right? Like forever.

• 33:58Dr. John Delony?

  I want you to stay on the line. I'm gonna hook you up with my friends at BetterHelp. And I want you to meet with one of the licensed therapists. And you can meet on your schedule, because I know you're working like crazy, trying to provide for both your real child and your man-child. And I want you to start meeting with a therapist. And I want you to begin, and I want you to tell the therapist, I need to start creating some boundaries in my personal life for my physical and emotional health. I got some trauma I'm still unpacking from my childhood. And I've been with somebody for over 15 years, who has no interest in building a life or building a romantic relationship or a stable relationship with me. They just want to exist because I do everything in their life for them.

• 34:46Dr. John Delony?

  And it's time for me to begin to build a life where I have security and safety.

• 34:53Dr. John Delony?

  The road ahead, Lynda, is very, very difficult. The easiest thing you can do is just to keep going back to the well and going back to the well and continuing to be this person's mother.

• 35:09Dr. John Delony?

  The harder thing will be to look yourself in the mirror and believe that you're worth something way, way more than this. You have more power in this situation you could ever imagine. You're just gonna need to get a professional and a couple of close friends to walk with you.

• 35:27Dr. John Delony?

  Thanks for the call, sister. We'll be right back.

• 35:31Dr. John Delony?

  It's the new year, my favorite time of year, when everyone starts thinking of new routines, building better habits, stopping the things that aren't helpful in our lives, and overall, building a better life. We all know that most new "go get 'em" goals are a total waste of your time, because we don't put in the systems to make them sustainable. So how about this year? Let's focus on fewer, more sustainable goals, and let's create better systems. And let's start by curating a system and goals that are good for our hearts and our souls. Let's start by focusing on our spiritual lives this year. And let's start off 2025 by focusing on prayer and meditation. To do this, I recommend Hallow, the number one prayer app in the world. I use it every day, and I love it.

• 36:15Dr. John Delony?

  Hallow offers over 10,000 guided prayers and meditations to help you grow closer to God, ask hard, hard questions and find some answers, and find peace. Hallow has amazing daily prayers that are perfect to start your day with. One of Hallow's most popular features is the Daily Reflection with Jonathan Rumi from The Chosen. You can also check out the daily scripture readings, nightly sleep prayers, and if you don't have much time, there's even something called the Daily Minute. Hallow makes it easy to build a system and a routine by making a schedule, adding reminders, and even fostering a community for accountability. Start the year off right by putting your relationship with God first with the help of Hallow. Right now, they're offering three free months when you join at hallow.com/daloni.

• 37:00Dr. John Delony?

  That's Hallow, H-A-L-L-O-W dot com slash daloni for three months of Hallow absolutely free. Go right now. All right, let's go out to Napa, California and talk to Stephanie. Hey Stephanie, what's up?

• 37:15Speaker 03

  Hey Dr. John, how are you?

• 37:17Dr. John Delony?

  I'm doing all right. What's going on in your world?

• 37:19Speaker 03

  Um, well, my question for you is, can my marriage survive with our differences feeling insurmountable?

• 37:26Dr. John Delony?

  Ooh, that's a big question.

• 37:29Speaker 03

  Yeah, I wrote some bullet points to try to... Okay, cool. I've been married for 31 years. We've always been each other's yin and yang. There's an eight-year difference in age. He's late 60s, I'm early 60s. He began transitioning to retirement four years ago. He's a self-employed contractor. I retired two years ago. He was fully retired by then with occasional small jobs. Our opposites are getting harder and harder to accepting each other. Expressing feelings are difficult for him, except negativity. I rarely hear "I'm sorry" from him voluntarily. I'm very verbal. I see the positive in things. And this all came to a head recently. I think it's because in September I decided I was going to start communicating with him

• 38:13Speaker 03

  in the same way he speaks to me. He got mad at me and yelled how unhappy he was and wanted to get into marriage counseling, but only recently followed through to make the phone call. We do have a screening appointment in a couple of days. I've been through therapy on and off through the years. I'm in individual counseling right now. I started about a month ago. He says I'm a teller, not an asker, and that I control everything. He says he can't talk to me. I say he doesn't treat me with kindness when speaking to me. I'm tired of the negativity, so I ignore him a lot. Seems the happier I am in retirement, the grumpier he has become. I say he drinks and smokes too much, and I have zero tolerance for it anymore.

• 38:54Speaker 03

  Uh, we made a deal that he would sleep in the guest room when he was under the influence, which he has adhered to, and he has cut back significantly in the last month. I asked him to move into the guest room permanently on Thanksgiving because he hadn't made the phone call to get us into counseling. I want to remain in separate bedrooms until we are in counseling and want to work with the counselor before we go back to sleeping in the same room. So, Dr. John, is our marriage salvageable? And is this a common situation in older slash long-term marriages?

• 39:25Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 39:28Dr. John Delony?

  You're not a lost cause, Stephanie.

• 39:34Dr. John Delony?

  Give me a big exhale. I can feel how tense you are. Exhale big.

• 39:42Speaker 03

  I'm gonna take a sip of tea.

• 39:43Dr. John Delony?

  Take a sip of tea. Take a big swig of tea.

• 39:49Dr. John Delony?

  Is it hard to say all that out loud to somebody?

• 39:53Speaker 03

  Well, because I've been in therapy, you know, recently. It's come out before, but to say to you, yes, yes, sir.

• 40:05Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, this is super normal.

• 40:10Dr. John Delony?

  And you may have heard me use this language before, but you have gotten yourselves in quite the dance, and it's hard to get out.

• 40:20Speaker 03

  Habits are hard.

• 40:21Dr. John Delony?

  Well, it's not even habits. It's, um, it's just, it's just, it's, it's two people seeking to connect with one another. But you just get in this, in this, um, chase. It's a game of chase, and, um, it's hard to stop.

• 40:43Dr. John Delony?

  And yeah, it's very common for somebody who has spent their life being a contractor to recognize my body doesn't do what it used to.

• 40:56Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 40:56Dr. John Delony?

  I can't get up and run 20 hours like I used to.

• 41:00Speaker 03

  Right.

• 41:01Dr. John Delony?

  So I have to stop. And there is none, zero, there is no cultural path. There's no, there's no moment of education for 60-year-old men to say, and now what?

• 41:16Speaker 03

  Oh, almost 70.

• 41:17Dr. John Delony?

  Almost 70.

• 41:19Speaker 03

  Yeah. No, I know.

• 41:22Dr. John Delony?

  And there's something devastating about thinking, oh, I just sit on the porch until I die. And that story will make you pretty damn grumpy.

• 41:34Speaker 03

  Right.

• 41:34Dr. John Delony?

  There's no, that's not excuse, it's just a context, okay?

• 41:37Speaker 03

  Right, right.

• 41:39Dr. John Delony?

  And so you got a guy who stopped doing a thing. And y'all may have had some moments when the, when the light shines through in California and through the breakfast window when y'all are having coffee together over the past 10 years. And y'all talked about what it would be like when you retired.

• 42:00Speaker 03

  Yep.

• 42:01Dr. John Delony?

  And those moments lit you up and those moments terrified him to death.

• 42:07Speaker 03

  I don't understand why.

• 42:09Dr. John Delony?

  Because often for men, the whole world has told them they are absolutely useless beyond what they quote unquote provide. And most men have zero understanding, sight, training, a picture of what provision means other than money in a checking account. Period. Maybe guys get guns and watch John Wick movies and, or they exercise a lot and they think they can provide security too. But for most men, they've been told you're the problem with everything on the planet. Shut your mouth and go to work.

• 42:53Dr. John Delony?

  And they do. And they die early.

• 42:59Dr. John Delony?

  And most men don't understand that many of their wives just want them.

• 43:07Dr. John Delony?

  I just want you.

• 43:10Speaker 03

  I just want him happy.

• 43:12Dr. John Delony?

  That's it, that's it.

• 43:18Dr. John Delony?

  And he probably wonders every minute of every day why his wife doesn't like him so much.

• 43:25Speaker 03

  I'd agree with that.

• 43:26Dr. John Delony?

  Which makes him-

• 43:26Speaker 03

  I think the same thing.

• 43:27Dr. John Delony?

  I thought you were saying-

• 43:28Speaker 03

  Why doesn't he like me?

• 43:29Dr. John Delony?

  But that's what I'm saying, then it makes him grumpy. And then he snaps at you. And you wonder, why don't you like me? Well, fine, screw you, you can't even sleep in my bed anymore. And then he wonders, good god, why doesn't she like me? And then he snaps at you, and then you go, oh my gosh, you can't even be- Right?

• 43:43Speaker 03

  And then I shut, I shut down and ignore him.

• 43:45Dr. John Delony?

  And it just turns into this dance that's really hard to get out of.

• 43:51Dr. John Delony?

  And it's frustrating, it's hard. And you know what makes it feel better? Alcohol.

• 43:56Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 43:57Dr. John Delony?

  It doesn't make it feel better, actually, that's not true. It makes it feel a little less painful.

• 44:06Speaker 03

  And like he had to take an intake, um, assessment. And, you know, for us to get into therapy. And, um, you know, he's not well versed with computers and stuff like that. So I had to do it with him. And everything was, how you feeling? You know, all of its answers were, no, not at all. You know?

• 44:29Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, but hold on, hold on.

• 44:33Dr. John Delony?

  Can you imagine your wife says, get out of my house unless you do this thing? And you sit down to do that thing and you don't even know how it works?

• 44:42Dr. John Delony?

  Can you imagine how embarrassing that feels?

• 44:46Dr. John Delony?

  How, how small that would make you feel?

• 44:50Dr. John Delony?

  And then they ask you to do the one thing, the one thing that in his line of work for 50 years would get his head block knocked off. And that is talk about your feelings.

• 45:03Speaker 03

  He doesn't, he doesn't talk about his feelings. He never has.

• 45:06Dr. John Delony?

  I know, but have you given him a safe space for him to do that at home?

• 45:10Speaker 03

  Yes, sir.

• 45:11Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 45:11Speaker 03

  Trust me. Yes, sir.

• 45:13Dr. John Delony?

  That's amazing that you've done that.

• 45:17Dr. John Delony?

  But I want us to look at that as a skills issue, not a character issue.

• 45:23Dr. John Delony?

  Cause if he didn't know how to shoot free throws on a basketball court, you wouldn't kick him out.

• 45:32Dr. John Delony?

  My guess is he doesn't know how.

• 45:35Dr. John Delony?

  Maybe he didn't want to. Shoot, maybe. Maybe he likes torturing you. You know him better than I do. And if that's the case, he's a jerk and a scumbag and your marriage probably isn't gonna make it.

• 45:47Speaker 03

  Well, like last night, the, um, mental, mental health people called to, um, make the appointment for the screening phone call. And he got off the phone, phone and he was not a happy camper. And I couldn't understand whether it was anger or frustration. I mean, it was, it's just weird to me.

• 46:10Dr. John Delony?

  It's shame. It's shame.

• 46:13Speaker 03

  It's shame?

• 46:16Dr. John Delony?

  Do you know how, do you know how embarrassing it is? And I'm telling you this as a guy in my 40s.

• 46:24Dr. John Delony?

  You know how embarrassing it is that I had to go talk to a professional?

• 46:29Dr. John Delony?

  So that I could learn new skills to talk and interact with my wife?

• 46:35Dr. John Delony?

  It's embarrassing. So I've dedicated my entire life. Sitting down with people and saying, don't be embarrassed about it.

• 46:47Dr. John Delony?

  You know how humiliating it is to be 70 and still wonder why I'm so unlikable? And I gotta go talk to some 32-year-old, fresh out of grad school?

• 46:59Dr. John Delony?

  It's, it's, it's shame.

• 47:05Dr. John Delony?

  I remember the-

• 47:06Speaker 03

  But yet he's lived with a girl who has been through serious trauma, life stuff. And seen how she's worked to heal that stuff. And yet that isn't enough?

• 47:22Speaker 03

  For him to do one plus one equals two?

• 47:30Speaker 03

  You know what I mean?

• 47:31Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, it's pretty tough. It's pretty... I would say that's not fair.

• 47:37Speaker 03

  That's not fair of me to expect that of him?

• 47:42Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, there's... I won't go into the nerd stuff. There's a psychological tenet, if you will, that we often judge ourselves by our intent and we judge other people by their actions.

• 47:57Dr. John Delony?

  I snap because here's why. And I have a whole context for why I snapped at somebody.

• 48:03Dr. John Delony?

  But if somebody snaps at me, it's because they're a jerk. They're a bad person. They're a scumbag. They're dumb.

• 48:13Dr. John Delony?

  And so, instead of judging... If I could give you one gift, it would be to toggle the judgment from judgment to curiosity.

• 48:24Dr. John Delony?

  Instead of saying, "Man, your wife has been through so much trauma and you've seen the counseling and the this and you see who I've become."

• 48:32Dr. John Delony?

  I wonder what's going on inside of this man who has dedicated his life to taking care of his family. He's been a grump the whole time and he smokes too much and he snores like a freight train. But I wonder...

• 48:44Speaker 03

  Actually, it's me who snores. Okay.

• 48:46Dr. John Delony?

  But I wonder why that connection's never been made?

• 48:52Dr. John Delony?

  Instead of, "Are you freaking kidding me? You've seen what I've done." One of those is, "Get away from me." One of those is an invitation.

• 48:58Speaker 03

  Well, I asked him one time, "Do you ever think of the health of our relationship or the status for our relationship or anything like that?" Something along those lines. No.

• 49:13Speaker 03

  He's just always been this, you know, "Day at a time, in the moment, take it as it comes, dude."

• 49:21Dr. John Delony?

  And is that also a big part of why you love him?

• 49:24Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah, for sure.

• 49:25Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 49:27Speaker 03

  No. I mean, and when... Excuse me.

• 49:30Dr. John Delony?

  You're good, you're good.

• 49:31Speaker 03

  When it hit the fan, you know, after September.

• 49:38Speaker 03

  You know, we didn't talk for a few days and it was like, okay, because you know, like I said, I don't respond well to anger or negative energy towards me at all. And I'm not going to respond to that. I will ignore it. When you get over it, let me know. And

• 49:58Dr. John Delony?

  Hold on, do you hear that?

• 50:02Speaker 03

  My anger? Yeah.

• 50:08Speaker 03

  Because I'm tired, John.

• 50:10Dr. John Delony?

  I know you are. I know you're exhausted. And I also know he's exhausted.

• 50:20Dr. John Delony?

  I remember the look in my wife's eyes when we were sitting across the table from each other, asking ourselves, is our marriage over?

• 50:28Speaker 03

  Exactly.

• 50:29Dr. John Delony?

  I remember putting my hands on the table and I said, will you just say the words, I'm proud of you, because all of this has been for you?

• 50:39Dr. John Delony?

  She looked at me, kind of hurt, and she said, every action I do shows you that I'm proud of you. I said, you've never said it. She said, I didn't know I needed to say it. I wish you'd told me that 20 years ago.

• 50:53Speaker 03

  But he's not even capable of saying that.

• 50:56Dr. John Delony?

  No, no, no. Are you?

• 50:59Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 51:02Speaker 03

  Trust me.

• 51:09Speaker 03

  I tell him that we would not have the life that we have without each other. I would not have the life I have without him.

• 51:18Speaker 03

  That what we have built together is incredible. It's not good right now. You know, but we asked each other straight up, you know, do you still love me? Yes and yes. Would you think you'd be happier with somebody else? No and no. Do you want to get a divorce? No. Okay. Now we've got something to work with. But this, this not being able to talk to each other anymore is nuts.

• 51:48Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, will you try something for me? You've tried the distancing, you've tried the kicking him out of the room, you've tried the ultimatums. Okay? And you're going to see a professional, which I applaud.

• 52:04Dr. John Delony?

  This isn't Hollywood and it's not sexy, but it'll work.

• 52:09Dr. John Delony?

  I'd love for you to write down on a piece of paper,

• 52:13Dr. John Delony?

  and I want you to sit down and look at him across the table and say, "I know you love me, and I've never given you an explicit roadmap to my heart. I'm sorry."

• 52:25Dr. John Delony?

  And maybe you're thinking, "I have a million times. He knows that I like flowers and that..."

• 52:31Dr. John Delony?

  But let's just try.

• 52:34Dr. John Delony?

  And hand him a piece of paper that says, "Not here's all the things you can't do in this house.

• 52:40Dr. John Delony?

  Here's the ways that I feel loved."

• 52:45Dr. John Delony?

  And maybe you can be silly and at the bottom say, "Will you love me? Yes, no, or maybe?" And put little checkboxes.

• 52:53Dr. John Delony?

  And then tell him, "It would be amazing if you gave me a roadmap to your heart."

• 52:59Dr. John Delony?

  Because we're in the fourth quarter of our lives, we're in the fourth quarter of our marriage,

• 53:06Dr. John Delony?

  and we get to decide what happens next. We get to choose it.

• 53:13Speaker 03

  I was thinking about, you know how you tell parents with kids to get a journal? And, you know, put it on the pillow every night, or every time you write in it?

• 53:24Speaker 03

  I just don't know if he would play.

• 53:26Dr. John Delony?

  But that's, if he doesn't understand, "This is a roadmap to my heart",

• 53:32Dr. John Delony?

  he'll think he's got another chore to do.

• 53:35Dr. John Delony?

  If he knows, "I don't understand this", it's the same as I used to, I've told on the show a million times, "I did not understand what chit-chat meant to my wife.

• 53:46Dr. John Delony?

  It felt unproductive. It felt like I could be doing other things, like paying bills, like fixing something at the house, like doing something in the yard, like doing something. She just wanted me to sit there while she made dinner and talk about the day. Listen, sometimes not say anything, just be there."

• 54:04Dr. John Delony?

  But it took her saying, "That 30 minutes of no phone, no screen, no action, just us", means the world to me. And then I had a choice. I could go, "I ain't doing that. I, you know, we got, every minute counts." Or I could say, "Cool." She went out on a limb and said, "This is how I feel loved." As her husband, I'm gonna provide that.

• 54:29Dr. John Delony?

  Game on.

• 54:33Dr. John Delony?

  And then occasionally, I say, "I love chit-chatting with you."

• 54:39Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 54:43Dr. John Delony?

  But you have gotten in this weird dance, and what I want to tell you that dancing isn't... Someone's gotta... I say this all the time, someone's gotta turn the music off and turn the lights on.

• 54:52Speaker 03

  I feel like I'm the one who does it all the time.

• 54:54Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, then say, "I don't want to do that anymore, and I will take the consequences."

• 55:02Dr. John Delony?

  Or...

• 55:06Dr. John Delony?

  Choose to go one more time and say, "This is what love looks like. I want one of these maps for you. How can I love you?

• 55:14Dr. John Delony?

  What are three things that scare you about the next 10 years?

• 55:18Dr. John Delony?

  What are three things that excite you about the next 10 years?

• 55:22Dr. John Delony?

  You can't retire and do nothing. What do you want to do? Oh no, I'm sorry.

• 55:29Speaker 03

  Well, and that's the thing. He has a boat. He goes fishing.

• 55:32Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 55:33Speaker 03

  And takes the dog for a walk all the time, and, you know, that's it.

• 55:38Dr. John Delony?

  Have you ever said, "I want to go fishing with you"?

• 55:40Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I have a fishing license. I'm the bomb.

• 55:44Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 55:46Speaker 03

  But I'm also a Cinderella. The weather has to be just right.

• 55:50Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 55:53Dr. John Delony?

  So I think, here's the deal. At some point, somebody has to say,

• 56:00Dr. John Delony?

  "I don't want to have to go first again, but here we are."

• 56:04Dr. John Delony?

  Or, "I'm not going first anymore, and I'm willing to lose my marriage. I'm willing to lose everything over it, because I'm not going first again."

• 56:12Dr. John Delony?

  And I don't like the way you've gotten grumpier and grumpier and grumpier as we finally got this thing we've been talking about for 10 years. And I can judge you for the grumpiness, or I can get curious. What in the world? We finally got it. We're free. We got enough money. We got enough everything.

• 56:29Dr. John Delony?

  Be curious about it.

• 56:32Dr. John Delony?

  Curiosity is an invitation.

• 56:35Dr. John Delony?

  Judgment is a declaration of exclusion. Get out of here.

• 56:43Dr. John Delony?

  But it's one of those things like, yeah, you've done a ton, a ton of work and it's easy to look around and be pissed off that everyone else isn't doing that work. What I'll tell you is that doesn't get them closer to the work. Makes them feel more ashamed. It makes them feel more frustrated. It makes them feel more annoyed and they get further and further away. So maybe after he gets off the phone from the intake, unable to work the computers that even the intake requires, bringing him a cup of decaf coffee at night, at night, and putting your hand on his arm and saying, "Hey, that was hard. I remember all the way back to the first time I did a counseling appointment. That's hard.

• 57:24Dr. John Delony?

  I'm proud of you for making that call and I want you to know that I feel loved." Why'd you do that? "Brrr, hurrr, hurrr." "No, no, no, no. I'm gonna hold your face and look you in the eye. I want you to know that I'm proud of you and that made me feel loved." This is step one to a pretty amazing fourth quarter in our lives. "I get to pick, I get to pick that." Or I can roll my eyes and be like, "I can't believe you're so mad about that, merr-ler, farr." Especially in older men, shame often comes out as anger. I don't know how. I know how to build a building. I know how to landscape a property. I've been a contractor my whole life.

• 58:06Dr. John Delony?

  I don't even know how to talk to my wife. It's a skills issue. I think your marriage has all the upside in the world. I really do. I think it's both of y'all who are tired, wondering why each other doesn't like each other. I think it's both of y'all setting ego down and saying, "Here's the path to my heart. I need a path to yours and I'm gonna commit to do it. Will you commit to?" If both of y'all can do that and learn some new skills in therapy, man, you're gonna have an awesome fourth quarter.

• 58:44Dr. John Delony?

  You get to choose what happens next.

• 58:47Dr. John Delony?

  Both paths are gonna be hard. Nah, just choose your heart. We'll be right back.

• 58:53Dr. John Delony?

  Alright, listen folks, you can't just think your way to being emotionally or mentally well. And you can't just think your way to having good relationships. We all have to also focus on our physical health. And that means regular exercise, weight training, and movement. And I know it's cold and dreary outside, but our bodies still have to move. And with so much noise out there, it can be hard to know even how to get started. So if you're finally ready to start an exercise program, or if you've been a lifelong lifter like me and you're ready just to shake things up, you've got to check out TrainWell. TrainWell is an app and personal trainer all in one. I use it, my wife, my coworkers and their spouses. Everybody's using TrainWell all the time, and the results have been off the charts.

• 59:37Dr. John Delony?

  TrainWell offers tailored workouts with step-by-step guidance from real people. That means it's not just an app, and it's not just a personal trainer. It's the best of both worlds. I get personalized workouts on their app, and I communicate with my trainer on a daily basis. And like I said, the results have been amazing. To get started, you just answer a few questions about your fitness journey. You hop on a chat with your expert trainer to discuss your goals and make a personalized plan. And then it's time for you to get to work. As you complete workouts, your trainer will keep tweaking them to help you get better. TrainWell takes away our excuses and makes it easy. So if you're ready to start taking control of your physical health and start exercising, I want you to get online, take the quiz to find your perfect trainer.

• 1:00:20Dr. John Delony?

  Go to trainwell.net/deloney today. And they've extended their special offer for my audience, just $69 a month when you lock in your plan this February. That's almost 50% off their regular monthly rate, plus 14 days of free training. Go to trainwell.net, that's T-R-A-I-N-W-E-L-L, trainwell.net/deloney.

• 1:00:46Dr. John Delony?

  Alright, we're back. Hey, don't forget to check out the Ramsey Network app. It's the network that hosts this show, and you can get this show a week earlier. You can get it a week earlier. And don't forget to hit subscribe, leave five-star reviews. It makes all the difference in the world. Here's something I want all of you to try, based on that last call.

• 1:01:08Dr. John Delony?

  I want you to write 10 things that you would love for your spouse or partner to do. 10 things. Here's a roadmap to my chest, to my heart.

• 1:01:20Dr. John Delony?

  And then ask them, will you give me yours?

• 1:01:25Dr. John Delony?

  And I'm just gonna have, I'll have like a, it's like a key, a roadmap, a path.

• 1:01:33Dr. John Delony?

  Sometimes we get in the habit of trying to love people the way we want to be loved, and we expect them to see it and know it in his heart.

• 1:01:40Dr. John Delony?

  Ask for a roadmap and give one.

• 1:01:43Dr. John Delony?

  Just see what happens next.

• 1:01:47Dr. John Delony?

  Love you guys. Stay in school. Don't do drugs. Peace. Bye.