The RELATIONSHIP Expert: THIS Is Why 70% of Relationships FAIL In The First Year | Stephan Speaks

Today we share conversations on love and relationships with an SOG fan favorite, Stephan Speaks. Stephan and Lewis touch on the transformative power of healing, the strength found in showing vulnerability, and the secret sauce to keeping connections alive and thriving over time. Stephan opens up about the journey of mending from past wounds as a gateway to more joyful and satisfying partnerships ahead. He draws a clear line between the kind of disagreements that foster growth and the arguments that tear us apart, reminding us that respect is the way through any rough patch. In this episode you will learnHow to navigate the healing process from past relationships to make room for healthier future connections. The difference between constructive disagreements and harmful arguing, and the importance of maintaining respect. Strategies for improving communication skills to better express needs and understand those of a partner. The significance of emotional safety and vulnerability in deepening relationship connections. Ways to recognize and address unhealed trauma that can affect current and future relationships. For more information go to www.lewishowes.com/1573For more Greatness text PODCAST to +1 (614) 350-3960More SOG episodes we think you’ll love:Eckhart Tolle – https://link.chtbl.com/1463-podRhonda Byrne – https://link.chtbl.com/1525-podJohn Maxwell – https://link.chtbl.com/1501-pod Get more from Lewis! Get my New York Times Bestselling book, Make Money Easy! Get The Greatness Mindset audiobook on SpotifyText Lewis AIYouTubeInstagramWebsiteTiktokFacebookX

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Lewis Howes?

  Hey my friend, thank you so much for being here. I wanted to ask you for a quick request before we get started with today's episode. Apple decided to shake things up a bit and you may no longer be following the School of Greatness, but luckily there's an easy fix. So really quick, if you can, double check for me that you're not missing out on greatness. Just go to your app on Apple Podcast and hit follow on the top right-hand corner of the School of Greatness show page on Apple Podcast. Once you click the follow button on the top right corner, you're all set to get updated with the latest in greatness here from the School of Greatness. And if you haven't already, make sure to leave a quick review while you're there. Your thoughts matter to me. I read all of the reviews and I'm so grateful that you're here. Thanks so much. Now let's jump into this episode.

• 0:40Stephan Speaks?

  A lot of people's mentality is, well, things change. Things are gonna be different. It's okay. So what? You don't go out as much anymore. People think like this, but they don't realize that's why your relationship is deteriorating. We can't just think it's okay, especially with our partners, to speak however we want, to throw all kinds of insults, to be disrespectful and think this is okay. Because what people are not realizing is...

• 1:04Lewis Howes?

  Welcome to the School of Greatness. My name is Lewis Howes, a former pro athlete turned lifestyle entrepreneur. And each week, we bring you an inspiring person or message to help you discover how to unlock your inner greatness. Thanks for spending some time with me today. Now let the class begin.

• 1:28Lewis Howes?

  Welcome to this special masterclass. We brought some of the top experts in the world to help you unlock the power of your life through this specific theme today. It's gonna be powerful, so let's go ahead and dive in.

• 1:46Stephan Speaks?

  I don't want a deteriorated relationship. So when I think about, yes, can I be with someone past 10, 15 years? If I accept a level of mediocrity? Of course.

• 1:56Lewis Howes?

  You don't want that.

• 1:57Stephan Speaks?

  Exactly. I'm saying, can we maintain excellence after these 10, 15 years? Exactly. Happiness, joy, all these things. Because to me, what is the point of being here? If we don't have it, if we're not operating at our highest level?

• 2:13Lewis Howes?

  What about, what about the...

• 2:16Lewis Howes?

  Saying that I hear, whether this is a meme or this is women saying this online. Maybe you know the line better than me.

• 2:25Lewis Howes?

  If he can't accept me at my worst, he doesn't deserve me at my best.

• 2:30Stephan Speaks?

  I hate that line.

• 2:33Stephan Speaks?

  I absolutely hate it. And I hate it because it has turned into validation for not addressing your flaws and issues. All right? I agree with it from the standpoint of you've got to be able to handle your partner's worst moments. All right? Because we're gonna all have moments. We're gonna all fall, we're all gonna do, make a mistake, it's gonna happen. Over time, that's just the way it is. But when you are essentially trying to say, I have a horrible flaw and you should accept it, even when I want to consistently make you deal with it. No, that's not gonna work for me. I can't accept that. That's not, that's not okay. And so a lot of people, that's what they're turning it into.

• 3:16Lewis Howes?

  That's you not taking accountability and responsibility for growth. Going back to, okay, this is where I'm at, I don't want to address it. You just have to accept it and, or don't be with me.

• 3:26Stephan Speaks?

  Exactly. You know, it reminds me of like, once upon, I don't know if they still say it, but I know at one time, people would say arguing is healthy for a relationship. All right? I despise that.

• 3:37Lewis Howes?

  I don't know if I agree, I understand that.

• 3:41Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, I just don't like that.

• 3:42Stephan Speaks?

  No, at all.

• 3:43Lewis Howes?

  Can you, can you communicate with, we don't agree on this, but do you have to argue?

• 3:47Stephan Speaks?

  Exactly. That's my thing. Disagreement is acceptable. Disrespect is not. All right? So.

• 3:55Lewis Howes?

  Say it one more time.

• 3:56Stephan Speaks?

  Disagreement is acceptable. Disrespect is not. All right? So my thing is, yes, it's okay and even healthy to have disagreements because we have different perspectives. We can bounce ideas off each other. We simply have to know how to navigate that and come to an official decision on things when we have those moments. But arguing, arguing says we are being disrespectful. Whether our tone is negative, the words that we're using, you know, we're getting loud, we're getting angry. We're are, we're basically throwing negative energy at our partner. That's not healthy. There's nothing healthy about that. But a lot of people will say that because they want to validate the unhealthiness in their relationship.

• 4:39Stephan Speaks?

  They don't wanna face the issue of, I need to learn how to talk to my partner better. I don't wanna have to fix my tone. Why do I have to watch what I say? Because that's what an adult does. Wow. Alright, grow up. You know, like, I'm sorry to anyone listening to this, but that's just real. We, we can't just think it's okay, especially with our partners, to speak however we want, to, to, to throw all kinds of insults, to be disrespectful and think this is okay. Because what people are not realizing is, all it takes is that one really bad argument to plant a seed of negativity that now grows into something worse in the relationship. A lot of people's issues are not the issue that they're facing in that current moment. It's the culmination of all kinds of things before then.

• 5:24Stephan Speaks?

  It's the buildup from that last time you disrespected me or made me feel some kinda way. And ever since then, I've resented you. And now in this resentment, I've given you an attitude. You didn't know what the attitude was about, cuz I didn't communicate clearly. Now you're giving me attitude, and now you see how it turns into other things. Now that attitude turns into not having sex with each other. That attitude turns into, okay, uh, the way that we talk to each other in, in general. Maybe becoming secretive because now we don't feel like dealing with each other anymore. And what you don't realize is, it started from disrespectful arguing. Wow. Alright, it could also start from some other stuff, alright? But arguing is a huge problem for a lot of people, and we can't just keep sweeping under the rug.

• 6:06Stephan Speaks?

  So going back to your point about the whole, uh, take me as my, at my worst. Yes, worst moment. Not always like this, and once in a while, a good attitude. Exactly. Consistent negative behavior has to be addressed and corrected.

• 6:23Lewis Howes?

  So, arguments are disrespect, but disagreements is okay, is that what you said?

• 6:29Stephan Speaks?

  Yeah, disagreement is acceptable, disrespect is not.

• 6:32Lewis Howes?

  Yes, so you can always disagree and you can agree to not agree.

• 6:35Stephan Speaks?

  Yeah.

• 6:36Lewis Howes?

  Or you can, is that right, agree to disagree.

• 6:38Stephan Speaks?

  Yeah, agree to disagree.

• 6:39Lewis Howes?

  But you, but what I'm hearing you say is that arguing, uh, saying what's on your mind in an angry,

• 6:46Stephan Speaks?

  Exactly.

• 6:47Lewis Howes?

  aggressive way, uh, tearing down a partner is never gonna do anything good for someone.

• 6:53Stephan Speaks?

  Exactly. People have to understand, whenever someone feels attacked, they will defend themselves. Even if they know they're wrong, even if the point you're making is actually solid, the way you're coming at them negates their ability to receive it. That's why even me as a speaker, my focus has been, do I want to be heard or do I want people to receive my message? All right? If I want to be heard, I can speak however I want, I can be blatant with the insults, I can cut people down, I can just make jokes of everybody's situation because it's just entertainment, I just wanna be heard. But no, I want people to receive it, and if I want people to receive it, I have to be more considerate, more compassionate, I have to check my tone, I have to be careful with my words.

• 7:36Stephan Speaks?

  And that's why if people watch my videos, they'll see, I try to be very careful with my words, cuz I want you to receive what I'm saying. So if we're in a relationship, we have to take that approach. If you want them to hear you, be mindful of how you're talking to them.

• 7:50Lewis Howes?

  Why is it so hard for people?

• 7:52Stephan Speaks?

  Because again, they don't, they don't want to face the, the, or they don't wanna do the work of correction. All right? And the work of correction can entail the healing, and again, facing those issues. Um, it's also conditioning. If people have been brought up in households and environments where this is how they talk to each other, it's, it's very-

• 8:11Lewis Howes?

  It's hard to change that, yeah.

• 8:13Stephan Speaks?

  It's foreign to now speak in a more loving and positive way. It's foreign to sit and be quiet and listen, all right? So now they have to reprogram themselves, and that's a lot of work.

• 8:25Stephan Speaks?

  And I think also the acceptance of the way you're communicating is wrong. People don't like to face that they were wrong. They don't want to have to accept that. So it's no, I have to dig an even deeper hole and stick with this whole negative approach of how I do things because no, there's nothing wrong with this. Or I see other people do it, you know, they're fine. No, they're not fine. They're not okay, you know? So I think those reasons, just overall, they don't want to have to do the work. And so they rather make excuses for it.

• 8:56Lewis Howes?

  So it sounds like, again, we go back to step one, healing. If you can learn to heal, you can start to improve the quality of your choices, dating someone in a relationship or getting out quicker. You can be a more effective communicator in relationships, whether you're dating or in a long-term community relationship. You can have a better relationship overall with yourself when you heal and with someone else. So can you give me a breakdown, a boot camp 101, on how to recognize what you need to heal and then how to start healing that? What does that look like for someone? Okay, I need to heal, Sifon. What do you mean by that? How do I do it? How do I get started? How long does it take to get healed?

• 9:40Stephan Speaks?

  Okay.

• 9:41Lewis Howes?

  Is this a lifelong journey? Is this overnight? What does it look like?

• 9:44Stephan Speaks?

  All right, so first thing, how long does it take to heal? It's gonna take as long as you're willing to put in the work. Healing is not a time thing. It's a work thing. So when you hear people say time heals all wounds, no it doesn't. Time alone doesn't heal a damn thing, all right? It can help. It does aid in the process. But by itself, it is no good. You have to take certain steps. So when people think, well, I'm gonna take a year off from relationships to heal. Why a year? And if you're not doing the work in that year, that year means nothing. And that's what happens to a lot of people. They took a year off, but what they did was they hid from the world. They hid from relationships. They went in their corner, all right, and distracted themselves, but they never healed. Now they come back out of that year and they're still the same person.

• 10:30Lewis Howes?

  Or maybe they're not the same. Maybe the first few months of dating, they're a little different, but then they Fall back into.

• 10:35Stephan Speaks?

  Exactly, because they never resolve things at its core. Now, in terms of recognizing what to heal, uh, my first step is, is called the who hurt me list. All right. So you get a piece of paper, you write down on the piece of paper, who hurt me? And now every person who comes to mind, you write them down on the piece of paper. Uh, it doesn't matter how long ago it happened, doesn't matter if you think you moved past it. If you think it's not relevant, if they come to mind, then there's some level of relevance there. Put them on the paper and about a sentence or two of what they did to hurt you. All right? This is how we're gonna start to locate what you've been holding on to. But you've really got to go into this exercise very genuine. You can't be trying to control the narrative.

• 11:18Stephan Speaks?

  You just gotta let yourself feel, just ask yourself the question, close your eyes, let it come out.

• 11:23Lewis Howes?

  What's the question they should ask? Who hurt me?

• 11:25Stephan Speaks?

  That's it. Who hurt me? That's it.

• 11:27Lewis Howes?

  And what if they're like, ah, I can only think of like three people that really hurt me. Should they be thinking of like every instant they can think of from childhood of that one comment? Or should this be this person punched me in the face?

• 11:39Stephan Speaks?

  Anybody who comes to mind. So I don't want them to force it, but I don't want them to under undermined it in any kind of way either. Just whoever comes to mind, put them on the paper. Because even if there's a situation where you forgot somebody. If we tackle the big one, you're not gonna be able to escape the big ones. The big ones are gonna come out. They're gonna come to mind. If we can tackle those, then that might set the stage where everything else gets taken care of naturally.

• 12:03Lewis Howes?

  Sure, sure.

• 12:03Stephan Speaks?

  All right. Cause now your awareness is gonna be there and your level of healing will allow you to see things differently.

• 12:11Lewis Howes?

  What do you think is the best way for a driven, confident, alpha? Masculine man, healthy, conscious masculine man. To eliminate distractions or temptations when they're in a committed intimate long-term relationship.

• 12:30Lewis Howes?

  From wanting to think about other women or scroll on Instagram and dream about what that could be like and be tempted to say, I need more partners.

• 12:42Stephan Speaks?

  You have to cut off everything that feeds the struggle. So if you know looking at Instagram puts you in that place, you can't be on Instagram. Now, I know that's easier said than done depending on a person's profession and all these different things, but literally you have to cut off all influences that push you on that path. Because it could be Instagram, it could be the music you're listening to, it could be the TV that you're watching, depending on what you're watching. And I know it's tough because you get to a point where it's like, well, I gotta cut off everything almost. But yeah, yeah, the more you can remove these outside influences, the easier it is for you to be present with your partner. I remember one time there was a guy, uh, his wife had got pregnant. I don't know if they were married at that time.

• 13:27Stephan Speaks?

  Either way, his partner was pregnant, she put on some weight, he found himself less attracted to her. They weren't having sex as much. He went to get some help. They suggested stop looking at porn, stop looking at Instagram. He stopped for three weeks. He looked at pretty much no other woman unless he passed a woman in the street. He said after three weeks, he found himself more attracted to his partner. Even without the weight loss. Now, it doesn't mean he still didn't want her to lose weight because sustaining that, it was still gonna make some adjustments. But it did help.

• 13:59Lewis Howes?

  Interesting.

• 13:59Stephan Speaks?

  Because he didn't have these other influences constantly being put in his face that makes him question, okay, what's going on here? Like, I don't like this, or, you know, dang, I could have this too, or, you know.

• 14:12Lewis Howes?

  What that would be like.

• 14:13Stephan Speaks?

  Exactly, so it's just, we've got to know our weaknesses, where we fall short, and just cut it off at the root as best as possible.

• 14:21Lewis Howes?

  I think it goes back to also communicating your, your needs, you know, your agreements, your roles, responsibilities in the relationship, and making sure your needs are met as a man.

• 14:30Stephan Speaks?

  Yes.

• 14:30Lewis Howes?

  If your needs are not met, and you, and.

• 14:33Stephan Speaks?

  It opens the door.

• 14:34Lewis Howes?

  You know, you're like, oh, okay, if I can't get it here, then I wonder what that would be like, or this would be like.

• 14:39Stephan Speaks?

  Yes.

• 14:40Lewis Howes?

  That's why I think it's really important to have these real, honest conversations before you get committed about what your needs are.

• 14:45Stephan Speaks?

  Absolutely.

• 14:46Lewis Howes?

  Maybe there's a man that's like, I only need to have sex a couple of times a month and I'm happy. For me, that doesn't work, right? And, you know, maybe in 20 years it changes, I don't know. But it's like, you gotta be realistic and say. You know, I've had conversations with Martha where I'm just like, this is what I'm gonna need. This is what I'm gonna need. And are you able to provide this? If not, I don't wanna push you on something that you don't wanna do. You know, and same for you. What are your needs? And can I provide those for you?

• 15:15Stephan Speaks?

  Absolutely.

• 15:16Lewis Howes?

  And if I can't provide for your needs, you shouldn't be with me. We shouldn't be together if it doesn't naturally align. Right? We should be naturally aligning, not, you have to change three things about you in order to please me and I have to change everything to please you. I don't think that's a right match.

• 15:30Stephan Speaks?

  No, it's not.

• 15:31Lewis Howes?

  There might be sexual attraction. There might, you maybe have fun. You could be friends, whatever, but I'm talking healthy, long-term commitment.

• 15:39Stephan Speaks?

  Yeah.

• 15:40Lewis Howes?

  With the least amount of pain. You know what I mean? It's like, there's going to be challenge. There's going to be adversity and pain that causes by living life. But if you can minimize stress and anxiety within the relationship, I think that's the best approach.

• 15:56Stephan Speaks?

  Absolutely.

• 15:56Lewis Howes?

  And talking about needs is key upfront. So, I'm hearing you say men need to eliminate any temptation or distractions that might get them thinking about another option.

• 16:07Stephan Speaks?

  Yes. And I do agree with you a hundred percent. As the next thing would be, making sure we lay out those needs and desires and make sure they're being met on both sides. Cause I'm a firm believer, you can't expect this person to meet all your requirements if you're not gonna do the same for them. But I do think that there's a lot of men who they don't take it as far as they need to, as far as expressing what is it exactly you want from this woman to be happy?

• 16:32Lewis Howes?

  Crazy sexual like nuances. Like you gotta go there.

• 16:36Stephan Speaks?

  Yes.

• 16:36Lewis Howes?

  Even if it's uncomfortable, you feel like, man, this is, they're gonna judge me or they're gonna think this is weird. But if you don't get that, you're gonna resent it in a year, two years, six months.

• 16:45Stephan Speaks?

  Exactly.

• 16:46Lewis Howes?

  And you'll be thinking about where can I get this met?

• 16:48Stephan Speaks?

  And that's, and that's the key. If you can honestly say, if I don't get this, I'm good. Like, I, I would like this, but it's not a big deal to me. I can go without it. Cool. But if you know going without this is gonna disturb you and be a huge struggle for you, yeah, you're, you're asking for problems.

• 17:08Lewis Howes?

  Why do you think it's so hard for men to only be with one women? Or one woman? Or why do you think that's the struggle for men when they think about it? Like, can I only be with one woman for the rest of my life? And they're like, well, if I could just have like a threesome once a year. We hear these conversations, but why is it challenging? And from the men that you've met who are extremely sexually satisfied with their one intimate partner for decades, what is it they're doing differently? Or how they shifted that thinking that they need more women?

• 17:41Stephan Speaks?

  So here's my current theories and beliefs that I'm not gonna lie to you. I still struggle with in some points, not because I don't believe what I'm about to say, but because if true, it's a hard pill to swallow. So I'm of belief that the majority of men can actually be happy with one woman, no problem. I view it in the same way I view business, alright? There's the bosses and the workers and neither label is a negative to either side, okay? It's just a reality that there are men who they don't need a bunch. They don't need a lot in their life. If they're making a certain salary, they have a roof over their head, food on their table, needs are being met, they're good.

• 18:25Stephan Speaks?

  They don't have this extra gear of ambition that says, go out and do more. That kind of guy can have his one woman. Again, key is, needs are being met.

• 18:35Lewis Howes?

  In the relationship.

• 18:36Stephan Speaks?

  Yes, in the relationship, I think he's fine. He can do that for the rest of his life, no problem.

• 18:42Lewis Howes?

  Live a happy, fulfilled life.

• 18:43Stephan Speaks?

  Yes. And understand, because that man doesn't even have the desire in him or the energy to go out there trying to mingle with other women and all that kind of stuff.

• 18:54Lewis Howes?

  A lot of work, a lot of effort.

• 18:55Stephan Speaks?

  Exactly, yes. It takes a certain kind of mindset and energy to be able to do that. A lot of guys aren't like that. They just want to be happy and have their needs met and that's it. But then there's a smaller percentage of men, which we could argue are the more desirable men of society, who tend to be more ambitious men. Like I remember reading somewhere, if I'm correct, people like Einstein, Steve Jobs, all these geniuses, high sexual energy. There seems to be this connection, this correlation between these ambitious men, these very unique individuals that do big things in life, and them having this very high sexual energy. And again, they probably had to learn to transmute some of that to accomplish what they accomplish.

• 19:40Stephan Speaks?

  Where these types of men. There's a greater struggle now to just be limited to that one woman. Because it's the same thing that they struggle with being limited to one invention or one business. You know what I'm saying? They they just have this mind and this this desire for more. I gotta keep going, I gotta keep going. And so I think that guy is the guy that. And I don't know if it's maybe his testosterone is higher than normal. I don't know. I don't know what is it in the man that causes that. But I do believe that every highly ambitious, successful man I know. The vast majority, so let me not say every, but the vast majority of them have that struggle. Or don't even believe in monogamy. Period. All right.

• 20:25Lewis Howes?

  Do you, okay, finish what you're saying.

• 20:27Stephan Speaks?

  Yeah, so I so and and I will say that some of the ones who have like. I feel for me personally, the thing that helps me is my relationship with God.

• 20:36Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 20:37Stephan Speaks?

  If I take that away, I'm not gonna lie to you. I don't I don't know.

• 20:40Lewis Howes?

  You're a dog. Without God, you're a dog.

• 20:43Stephan Speaks?

  Yeah, it's so bad. Like, and and and let me just be clear, not dog as in. I will never be a liar. I'll never be playing women, taking advantage of them, none of that. But would I be all over the place?

• 20:54Lewis Howes?

  Eventually.

• 20:55Stephan Speaks?

  Yeah.

• 20:56Lewis Howes?

  Devon Franklin talks about this in one of his books, uh, about there's a dog in every man.

• 21:00Stephan Speaks?

  Hmm.

• 21:01Lewis Howes?

  Right? Again, not like a a mean dog, but like a dog that has like a desire to go get another bone out there.

• 21:07Stephan Speaks?

  Yeah.

• 21:08Lewis Howes?

  It's like, just like, and it's learning how to fight the dog within you.

• 21:12Stephan Speaks?

  Hmm.

• 21:12Lewis Howes?

  That has that desire, right? What happens? Have you ever met a man who's been in a a marriage, let's say, or a long term? Relationship with one person as a constant? But has other sexual encounters with other women? And the relationship works long term with that one person still? Open relationship or hall passes that are aware of this, the partner is aware of this, where you still have this really happy intimate connected partnership between the man and the main partner. Have you met anyone like this?

• 21:49Stephan Speaks?

  No, honestly.

• 21:51Lewis Howes?

  What typically happens when a man is with someone but also is with other people?

• 21:55Stephan Speaks?

  Yeah, so I think, one, we have to make sure we define what work means. So to some people, it's working because they're still together.

• 22:04Lewis Howes?

  I mean, happy, healthy.

• 22:05Stephan Speaks?

  Exactly, that's the key. So for that to be the, the standard of what we call it's working, no.

• 22:13Lewis Howes?

  You haven't seen that?

• 22:14Stephan Speaks?

  I haven't seen it. I'm not, you know, I can never say it doesn't exist 100%. But what I think is, what I believe strongly is that the woman accepting that is already kind of killing off a piece of herself. That piece that wants to be number one in his life, that wants to be fully loved, to feel like he doesn't need anyone else but me. And I argue that, kind of going back to masculine and feminine, to show you another difference between men. Women need love at a level or in a way that men don't. Meaning that if you went to a woman and you said, or if you went to a man and you said, "I will give you this woman, she will give you everything that you need, fulfill all your desires,

• 22:57Stephan Speaks?

  but she cannot say she's in love with you, will you take it?" There's a majority of men who will take it. Because hey, I'm getting my things, man, yeah.

• 23:05Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, I'm good.

• 23:05Stephan Speaks?

  Who cares, right? If you go to a woman with the same deal, "He will fulfill all your needs, he'll be everything that you want, but he cannot say he is in love with you." There's a lot of women who can't take that deal.

• 23:18Lewis Howes?

  Really?

• 23:18Stephan Speaks?

  Yes.

• 23:18Lewis Howes?

  Why is that?

• 23:19Stephan Speaks?

  Because, again, they need that aspect of love, that energy, that it's, it's, it takes things to a different level that speaks to who they are. I believe that speaks to the feminine in the woman. The feminine in the woman craves that love. We are more in, you, you can call it the more logical mind or whatever you want to call it, but we just want, as long as we're getting what we need, it's easier for us. Yes, we feel respected and, and, and we're being satisfied. A lot of guys are like, "I'm not passing that up."

• 23:48Lewis Howes?

  What would you say are the three most important things that every man needs from their partner? Is it respect?

• 23:55Stephan Speaks?

  Support, respect, and I still gotta use sexual satisfaction.

• 24:00Lewis Howes?

  Sexual satisfaction.

• 24:00Stephan Speaks?

  Yeah.

• 24:01Lewis Howes?

  Support, sexual satisfaction.

• 24:03Stephan Speaks?

  And respect.

• 24:03Lewis Howes?

  And respect are the three things that most men need in a relationship.

• 24:08Stephan Speaks?

  Yeah.

• 24:08Lewis Howes?

  For them to feel happy and fulfilled.

• 24:10Stephan Speaks?

  Yeah, because if you take away any of those three, it's a problem. If he doesn't feel respected, it's gonna cause huge problems. He doesn't feel supported, a lot of people don't realize, a lot of infidelity does not start from um, that man having a sexual desire for another woman. It can start from a lack of support in the household. And then you have other women coming around who are, you know, feeding his, his head with, you, I think you're amazing. If you were my man, I would do this and blah, blah, blah, blah, I believe in you. He doesn't get that at home, and that opens the door to it becoming sexual. Which is why you'll see a lot of situations where the man cheats on his partner with a woman who doesn't even look as good as his partner.

• 24:53Lewis Howes?

  But it's fulfilling some sexual need.

• 24:55Stephan Speaks?

  Not even a sexual need, it fulfilled first the emotional need. And then, yes, and it could be just sexual depending on what the initial issue was, but

• 25:03Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 25:03Stephan Speaks?

  Yes, it can go, it can either be sexual or emotional, but I think people always think it's a sexual thing with men.

• 25:09Lewis Howes?

  An emotional need meaning like, I'm not getting the respect I want, so that's an emotional feeling?

• 25:13Stephan Speaks?

  Yes.

• 25:14Lewis Howes?

  Or not feeling supported at home, so that's an emotional feeling?

• 25:17Stephan Speaks?

  Yes.

• 25:18Lewis Howes?

  So the three things that every man you believe needs, most men need, is respect, support, and sexual satisfaction.

• 25:26Stephan Speaks?

  Satisfaction.

• 25:27Lewis Howes?

  Yeah. What would be the three things that every woman needs from their man to feel fulfilled?

• 25:31Stephan Speaks?

  I, I wanna say love, and I guess when I say the word love, I mean it from the standpoint of non-sexual intimacy, being able to pour into her emotionally, mentally, being able to hold her, caress her. Everything other than sex. And again, it's not to say that women don't enjoy sex or don't desire or need sex. But if you just gave them sex and you didn't give them those other things, it's gonna be a problem.

• 25:57Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 25:58Stephan Speaks?

  So, so I think love, I think security.

• 26:03Stephan Speaks?

  Again, it goes back to that needing to feel safe, needing to feel comfortable around you, needing to not feel judged around you. Um, I think that's extremely important. Again, you you take away a woman's security. I want to give one quick example. I had one client where um she was with a guy and while they were in a relationship, she never had an orgasm with him, okay? They get married and it's orgasm city.

• 26:25Lewis Howes?

  Really?

• 26:25Stephan Speaks?

  Yes. It just it just starts flowing out, okay? Yes.

• 26:29Lewis Howes?

  Now, now she feels fully safe or comfortable?

• 26:31Stephan Speaks?

  Yes. Then here's what happened. Years in, he was in the military, he cheats on her. The orgasm stopped. And I always use that to say, listen, nothing changed sexually as far as physically what was happening. But mentally and emotionally, she no longer felt safe and secure in this relationship. And that was enough to turn the switch on and off when it came to her sexual satisfaction and her being sexually receptive to him. So definitely, security is the other thing. Um, and I I think, I'm trying to find the right word, right way to phrase this, but I feel like the word that I want to use is stimulation.

• 27:12Stephan Speaks?

  I feel that women need to be stimulated by their man. Now, that could be mental stimulation, that could just be spontaneous fun in the relationship. Just not being boring. Like, women can get very bored easily in a relationship. You have to find a way to keep her stimulated. Again, and and and I don't want men to hear that and think, I'm constantly doing, no, but there has to be enough in your bag that you can pull out when necessary or that certain things you possess naturally that keep her in that place. Because once she gets too bored, that opens the doors to problems as well.

• 27:54Stephan Speaks?

  Is it harder for a man to provide these keys for a woman to feel satisfied? Or is it harder for a woman to show up and give what the man needs to be satisfied?

• 28:10Lewis Howes?

  So my honest answer, my initial, what I want to say is it's harder for the man. Because men, it's hard, it's in general, it's hard for a driven masculine man to really take a moment to be non-sexual and intimate in an affectionate, listening, compassionate, generous way. And to think about, how can I be spontaneous and fun and interesting when I'm just focused and driven to go provide and bring back?

• 28:40Stephan Speaks?

  Yeah.

• 28:41Lewis Howes?

  It's harder, right?

• 28:42Stephan Speaks?

  Yeah, so basically you can look at it as you've got to really be able to tap into your feminine side, so to speak.

• 28:50Lewis Howes?

  As a man.

• 28:51Stephan Speaks?

  Yeah, as a man, to be able to tap into her needs and desires. Whereas, she doesn't necessarily have to tap into her masculine side to satisfy us.

• 28:59Lewis Howes?

  No.

• 28:59Stephan Speaks?

  Other than you could argue, maybe when it comes to her approach to sex. If she approached it from a more masculine, like, I'm just ready to go, then yeah, a lot of guys would be happy with that. But she can remain in her feminine.

• 29:11Lewis Howes?

  And respect you and support you.

• 29:12Stephan Speaks?

  Exactly.

• 29:13Lewis Howes?

  Interesting.

• 29:14Stephan Speaks?

  So it's easy, it will be easier for her, for her, from that standpoint.

• 29:18Lewis Howes?

  So it's really like, men need to really learn how to be masters of themselves and become a master of flexing both the masculine energy and the feminine energy to be able to fully pour into their partner, their woman, at a high level, the way she needs to receive it.

• 29:34Stephan Speaks?

  Absolutely.

• 29:34Lewis Howes?

  And that means you can't just be the, the big, strong, tough, driven provider. You've got to have some sense of vulnerability within you to be, what it sounds like, the ultimate masculine man.

• 29:46Stephan Speaks?

  Yes.

• 29:46Lewis Howes?

  Right?

• 29:47Stephan Speaks?

  Absolutely. That's definitely, it's all about the balance from within us. And, and we've got to, we've got to get more comfortable with it, we've got, we've got to get. More educated on how we go about it. You know, because I want men to understand that though I'm encouraging them to tap into their feminine side to be able to provide some of these things. You don't want to lose sight of your masculine. And so that's why it's still important. Like, I call it loving in your masculine. All right? You have to learn how to love in your masculine. And that might sound tricky, but I do believe it's extremely possible. Once you grasp the concept and you start to become comfortable with it. Because, consider yourself.

• 30:27Stephan Speaks?

  Now you're at a point where you had the confidence to say what you want, to lay everything out. You remove the fear of, well, if she doesn't like this, I'm gonna lose her. No, you know what it needs to be. Either you're with it or you're not. So now, that allows you to remain in your masculine while you still can provide for her in the ways that she needs. You see? We slide fully into the feminine when we become this, oh my gosh, I have to keep her, I gotta do everything to get her, whatever, whatever. We become emotionally needy. Now, it's like you're trying to do everything she wants, but you don't have that balance of standing strong in who you are. And that's really all it takes, in my opinion.

• 31:08Lewis Howes?

  When someone meets someone new, when is the appropriate amount of time to know that this person could be one of the people that you spend the rest of your life with, a long time with?

• 31:18Stephan Speaks?

  It's very instant and immediate. So, here's the thing. Society has brainwashed us to believe that love and identifying it takes time. That's a lie. In most situations, when it takes months, you have not fallen in love, you've learned to tolerate them, you've grown attached to them. All right? You've got to...

• 31:41Lewis Howes?

  You've enjoyed a part of the process. It's giving you connection, you're not lonely.

• 31:46Stephan Speaks?

  Exactly. And, and, when you've invested months, you are more likely to not want to walk away from it because of all the time and energy you put in. So now you mistake your attachment to the investment as love, and it's not really love. When you sit down with people who can say they felt a real or they have a real connection with their partner. I think every story, I don't know of any one story that's opposite of this, they will all say it was pretty much instant. First date, you may not know a hundred percent fact, I'm gonna marry this person. But you knew the potential was there. You knew like this could be the one. That, that at least came to mind. And so again, when, when we don't have that in that first conversation, that first date, it's unlikely.

• 32:31Stephan Speaks?

  I'm not gonna sit there and say it's impossible that it can happen days later or a week later or whatever. Uh, but typically, and even if you can't articulate it as you knew they were, they could be the one, when people look back, they can tell you that they felt something very strong in that initial engagement with their partner. That said, they knew something was different. They, they may not even know what it was, but they knew, okay, this isn't normal. This isn't like the rest. Something's going on here. And then there's a full realization of this is it.

• 33:02Lewis Howes?

  What is that something that we can't understand, that feeling? What is that called? Is that just like your, your magnets connected to each other? Is that your energy is so attractive because there's so much opposites or it's so much similarities? What is that force that gets people to say there was something different about this person when I met them?

• 33:22Stephan Speaks?

  I personally believe it's your spirit recognizing its match. Because there, there, if you speak to a lot of people, um, of different religious beliefs, there's a belief that things happen in the spirit before they happen in the physical. All right? So it's almost like the spirit is ahead of us, which is why the spirit knows the truth, which is why intuition, gut instinct, third eye, whatever you wanna call it, it always seems to be accurate because your spirit knows before you know. So we're feeling it within our spirit. The problem is it's getting our mind in tune with the spirit. It's allowing our heart to accept what the spirit is saying to us. But we feel it, we just don't know how to always explain it.

• 34:06Stephan Speaks?

  Those who are very in tune with the spirit can recognize it much quicker and, and accept it for what it is much quicker because they're very in tune already.

• 34:13Lewis Howes?

  Why is it so hard for our mind and our heart to get caught up to our gut or intuition of that initial explosion of chemistry? And also can that explosion of connection and chemistry be harmful in a different way?

• 34:29Stephan Speaks?

  Okay, so one, fear. Fear is the number one reason why we, we struggle to accept. So one of the things I explain to a lot of women, you know, and I have my membership group for them, so I, I've had this discussion where I say, listen, you know, the difference between intuition and fear is logical deduction. So when you're trying to analyze and break things down, that's your mind. All right. And fear is coming into that because you're saying, well, I shouldn't do this because of that, or this can't be this because of that. Intuition requires no logic. Your spirit requires no logic. It simply feels, it senses, it knows. That's it. You don't have to explain it. Again, gut instinct doesn't require things to logically add up.

• 35:13Stephan Speaks?

  It just tells you this is it, or something's wrong, or this is right, or whatever the case may be. So fear is the number one thing, and that fear stems from lack of healing from past relationships. We, we've been down this road of emotional investment. We've gotten hurt before. We've been wrong in our lives about wanting to believe someone could be it. Even though we know this feels different, we still have the fear of disappointment that creeps back in.

• 35:40Lewis Howes?

  How do we let go of that fear and not sabotage an amazing opportunity in a relationship?

• 35:46Stephan Speaks?

  You gotta heal from your past. There's no way around it. And, and this is why I say people who have not healed, they could meet their connection right now, the most amazing partner, and it will scare them to death. And they will either run, self sabotage, something. It's gonna be a problem because they have not healed. And when you have not healed, the vulnerability that's required in connection is so unlike anything else or with anyone else, that if you don't have a, a level of confidence, and again, a foundation of healing in your life, it seems way too overwhelming and scary. So you've got to heal in order to not find yourself sabotaging, run away, and, and not being able to embrace that real love.

• 36:31Lewis Howes?

  What if both parties come to something and there's this explosion of chemistry, or just instant, like, wow, there's something different feeling, and both have not healed their past, but they stay together, they figure it out, and they're together? Is there gonna be a lot of problems and trauma and stress that comes up over the years if they both haven't healed before they get into a relationship? Or can they heal in the relationship together?

• 36:56Stephan Speaks?

  It is possible. Let me backtrack a little bit. First, let me say that people have to understand there is such thing as right person, wrong time. All right. People don't want to believe that. There are a lot of people who reject that idea. They say, oh, if it's the wrong time, it's not the right person. That's not true. You can meet that individual that you have an amazing connection with, but both parties still need growth before they can come together. All right. And so now is

• 37:21Lewis Howes?

  What happens if they come together and they haven't healed?

• 37:25Stephan Speaks?

  So here's the thing. It is possible to get through that and survive and have a healthy relationship. It is unlikely for most people to survive being with someone you have a connection with and you have not healed. Again, most people won't even allow themselves to be with that person.

• 37:45Lewis Howes?

  They'll sabotage it so much, they'll dive in, but then they'll cheat or they're all, they won't respond to the person. They'll do something, right?

• 37:53Stephan Speaks?

  Yes. And, and, and speaking of cheating, they, they tend to have a history of going back to an ex because the ex feels safer because it's not as vulnerable over there. All right. I can maintain more emotional control. It's familiar, so it's easier. So I've seen plenty of situations where, again, the connection was so overwhelming, so they ran back to their ex. No one, they're not, they're not, the ex is not for them and they're not for their ex. But again, it just feels safer there. So yes, a lot can go wrong if you try to be together when you have not healed and you have this connection. It would be best to acknowledge, okay, you know what? We got some work we need to do. We realize we have a connection here. Let's work on ourselves in the meantime before we take that next step.

• 38:38Lewis Howes?

  Can you heal while having sex with one or multiple partners for fun on the side?

• 38:45Stephan Speaks?

  I'm not going to say it's impossible, but again, highly unlikely. Um, sex is such a distracting thing and we, we have to understand that so much can come from our sexual interactions. There can be new drama. There can be, hell, an unwanted pregnancy. There can be a host of things and all of that will derail you in the healing process. You also have to be honest with yourself. You may be having the sex because you're trying to distract yourself from the healing. Like, the sex is just a coping mechanism for you. Same as drugs, same as alcohol. People turn to these things because they don't want to deal with their reality in life. So, you've got to be honest. Are you trying to just bury your head in sexual interactions?

• 39:29Stephan Speaks?

  Or is it just, if it's happening in a natural flow of life? Okay, then there's a greater chance that you can survive this, but you've got to be really careful. I would suggest cutting that off. If you're trying to heal. You know, again, I don't want to say it's impossible, but you're going to make it extremely difficult and highly unlikely.

• 39:46Lewis Howes?

  For sure. I want to ask you about the best ways to meet someone these days, 2020 moving forward. The do's and don'ts for online dating. But what I'm hearing you say is that you shouldn't be trying to meet someone. You shouldn't be doing the online dating game until you've fully healed, or at least started the process of healing. Because healing is a journey. Sometimes things take a lot longer to heal fully. But at least acknowledging and starting that process. What would be a process to start healing your past relationships or pains? Before we get into the conversation of do's and don'ts of online dating?

• 40:23Stephan Speaks?

  Okay. So, of course, going to a therapist or coach is the ideal thing to do. You typically need that outside party that can help you process some things, help you see new perspectives and go through a process of healing. Now, I will be honest, not every coach or therapist is going to help someone heal. Sometimes it just turns into a venting session. So, you've got to be real careful about, okay, if I've been going to this therapist or coach for many weeks or months now, what progress have I really made? Have I been resolving or have I been coping? Because many are teaching you how to cope and manage and how to function within your brokenness, but they're not resolving it and helping you heal.

• 41:06Stephan Speaks?

  Now, of course, you know, I'm big on healing, so I have my book, Love After Heartbreak, which gives people the exact steps to healing. So, one of the steps, I'll give you the first step, is getting the hurt out in front of you. So, it's this who hurt me list? And so, you get a piece of paper, you write down who hurt me, and you ask yourself the question, who hurt me? And now, everyone who comes to mind, you put them on the paper. Doesn't matter if it happened very long ago. Doesn't matter if you think you moved past it. If they come to mind when you ask the question, then that means there's some kind of relevance there. And so now you put them on the paper in like two sentences of what they did to hurt you. This will now at least help us identify what you've been holding on to. And where the hurt is and what needs to be properly addressed.

• 41:50Stephan Speaks?

  And then from there, we can do the other steps of getting things off your chest and forgiveness and all these different things that's involved in healing.

• 41:56Lewis Howes?

  I love that. I'm a, I'm a big proponent of writing letters to people that you never send them. Telling them how you, how it made you feel, what you're, what you're frustrated and angry about with them. Forgiving them, letting it go. And then I like to burn the letter and bury it as well. In the ground to hopefully create a sense of like, okay, this was alive in me and now I'm killing this. And this, this feeling, this energy, and I'm, I'm putting it to bed and I'm putting it back in the world to hopefully create something new, to grow something new and more loving and powerful and create that intention. Uh, but I think that's really important. When should we know? That we have, are healed enough?

• 42:38Lewis Howes?

  How do we know when our healing has gone far enough down its journey before we should get into? Meeting someone new, putting ourselves out there on social media, online dating apps and things like that.

• 42:50Stephan Speaks?

  All right. Well, first thing I want to say is now there are gonna be times where sending the letter to the person is actually the best thing to do.

• 42:56Lewis Howes?

  Really?

• 42:57Stephan Speaks?

  Yes. A, a lot of people are scared about that and it's a very difficult hurdle to jump, but I literally got a DM today. From a woman who read the book, she wrote her letter last year. It was to her mother. She didn't want to send it. She held on to it. She said she just finally built up the courage because I, I tell them in the book, 99% of the time I'm going to tell you to send the letter. And so she finally did it. And she said they end up having the best conversation they've ever had in their life. Now they're like the best of friends, like it's taken their relationship to a whole new level. And, and it's not, that's not the purpose of sending it. But there's so much good that can come from taking the extra step of actually sending the letter.

• 43:38Stephan Speaks?

  And making sure that person is aware of how you felt and, and, and what you were going through. Now in regards to knowing when you've properly healed. Number one thing is when you can embrace being fully vulnerable with somebody. All right. If vulnerability still scares you, you have not healed enough. All right, you've gotta be willing to open your heart. We can't say we want love and then put walls up around our heart and be afraid to give it to someone. You're contradicting yourself, you're working against yourself. So you've gotta be willing to be vulnerable. You also have to make sure any negative perceptions that you've held on to due to past experiences, you've done away with them.

• 44:21Stephan Speaks?

  So for example, if you have been saying all men are dogs because you've been hurt by so many men. Well, you can't be out there dating and still screaming all men are dogs. That's not gonna work in your favor. You've got to accept that good men exist and you can receive a great man, that you deserve a great man. So when you have a more positive outlook and way of thinking, and listen, we're gonna all have our negative thought moments, that happens. But your dominant or more consistent thought pattern is positive, hopeful, a- and things of that nature, now we can say you're ready to get back out there.

• 44:56Lewis Howes?

  How important is the language or the inner thoughts? The actual physical words we use in the inner language, the inner dialogue, in terms of attracting or finding the right partner?

• 45:08Stephan Speaks?

  It's extremely important. You know, we hear it all the time, words are power. And the reality is that the words you speak to yourself, the thoughts you have, they will, whether knowingly or unknowingly to you, they will dictate your energy. The energy that you give off to people, or the way your just spirit comes across to individuals. And so you can put on a happy face, but if your thought is negative, pessimistic, all right, and dwelling in this, then your energy will still be negative. All right, what you do on the surface isn't gonna be able to hide that. Which is why you have some people who swear, well, I'm not a bad person. Yeah, but you're not a positive person. All right, you can be good people, but no, you are miserable.

• 45:52Stephan Speaks?

  And it's not even just you're miserable like you're dwelling in it in your life, but you give off miserable energy. And so who's gonna wanna be around that? Who's gonna wanna commit to that? At the most, they might wanna have sex with you, but they're not gonna wanna tie themselves to you in a committed, long-term relationship or marriage.

• 46:09Lewis Howes?

  And people can feel that energy. What I don't care if you're a man, woman, or in between, you can feel the energy of someone. And if you haven't healed properly yourself, you may be attracted to a wounded individual to then try to find some validation or try to find some connection there. And that's why it's important for you to heal so that you can fully see the energy around you and see who is a potential great match for you. Because if you haven't healed, you're gonna keep attracting negativity and repeating certain patterns. Is that correct?

• 46:41Stephan Speaks?

  That is absolutely correct. And if you talk to any person who has healed, they can tell you how they feel energy even more now. Where they become more aware. It's so much easier to see past the facade that so many people are putting up. Because now, healing allows us to get more in tune with our spirit. And by getting more in tune with our spirit, we get more in tune with everyone's spirit. Because technically, we are all connected through the spirit, alright? And so, it's easier to be in touch with that when you get away, get rid of the blockage of trauma, past disappointments and hurts, disappointments, things of that nature.

• 47:19Lewis Howes?

  It's powerful stuff, man. I'm still trying to get to my, one of my first questions, which is what's the best way to meet someone these days? And online dating, but it sounds like that's so far ahead of what you need to be thinking about first. Like, have I started to heal? Are there people who have hurt me? Is there people that I need to apologize to? You know, all these different things. It's almost like you gotta do the work before you can start doing the work of finding someone.

• 47:42Stephan Speaks?

  Absolutely.

• 47:43Lewis Howes?

  I hope you enjoyed today's episode and it inspired you on your journey towards greatness. Make sure to check out the show notes in the description for a full rundown of today's episode with all the important links. And if you want weekly exclusive bonus episodes with me personally, as well as ad-free listening, then make sure to subscribe to our Greatness Plus channel exclusively on Apple Podcasts. Share this with a friend on social media and leave us a review. On Apple Podcasts as well. Let me know what you enjoyed about this episode in that review. I really love hearing feedback from you and it helps us figure out how we can support and serve you moving forward. And I want to remind you if no one has told you lately that you are

• 48:23Lewis Howes?

  loved, you are worthy, and you matter. And now it's time to go out there and do something great.