The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795

Get tickets for Tom’s Come Together Tour at https://tomsegura.com/tour SPONSORS: Go to https://zbiotics.com/YMH and use YMH at checkout for 15% off any first time orders of ZBiotics probiotics. Protect your online privacy TODAY by visiting https://ExpressVPN.com/ymh Get 20% off your first order of Liquid I. V. when you go to https://www.liquid-iv.com/ and use code YMH at checkout. It’s another episode of YMH with Tom Segura and Christina P! This week, Mama and Papa Jeans open the show with a new clip from Unc Shine once again looking to get all up in ya. They next discuss poop protocols and cool guy consistencies, before they recap the unhinged insanity of last week's Charo visit. They also check out a very cool tattoo submitted from a fan and check out some clips before being joined by the Uncle Fester of comedy, Jim Norton. Jim Norton is currently navigating the podcast scene after just recently departing from SiriusXM. He joins the Main Mommies and they discuss the intricacies of being a "we", his marriage to a trans woman, the future of human sexuality, the unforgettable Patrice O'Neal, the genius of Greg Giraldo, and the clever tweets of Colin Quinn. They also talk about the evolution of cancel culture and if it truly is on it's way out, before Tom shows Jim some clips that are truly horrible or hilarious! Your Mom’s House Ep. 795 https://tomsegura.com/tour https://christinap.com/ https://store.ymhstudios.com https://www.reddit.com/r/yourmomshousepodcast Chapter Markers 00:00:00 - Intro 00:03:34 - Opening Clip: Unc Shine Wants Those Nips 00:05:26 - What's Your Protocol? 00:08:13 - Unc Shine Is Consistent 00:13:41 - RPC 00:16:29 - Recapping Charo's Visit 00:19:40 - The Choke But In Tattoo Form 00:22:37 - Clip: Kevin Samuels 00:26:02 - Jim Norton Can't Save You 00:31:38 - The Royal "We" 00:37:04 - Married To A Trans Woman 00:41:41 - The Future Of Human Sexuality? 00:45:12 - Closers, Touring, & Podcasting 00:48:44 - Cancel Culture 00:54:07 - Jim Norton’s Crew Of Comedy Greats 00:57:00 - Vandalism Is Funny 01:02:52 - Brendan Walsh 01:07:45 - Colin Quinn & Dave Attell 01:11:56 - The Best Of The Best 01:17:47 - Classic Comedies 01:22:15 - Horrible Or Hilarious 01:29:30 - Closing Song - "Gay Questions" by MC FluidBond & DJ GlassGender Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Tom Segura?

  Battle Creek, Michigan. I am coming to the Fire Keepers Casino on Friday, May 9. Tickets go on pre-sale next week on Thursday, February 6 at 10 a.m. Eastern with the code TOMMY, T-O-M-M-Y. Later this week, Savannah, Georgia and North Charleston, South Carolina. Tickets and info is at tomsegura.com/tour.

• 0:20Speaker 01

  Welcome, welcome to your mom's house.

• 0:29Tom Segura?

  What's everybody? It's time for another podcast. We have a very exciting episode today. Gene, how are you feeling?

• 0:36Christina Pazsitzky?

  I'm excited. There's gonna be a snowstorm tomorrow.

• 0:39Tom Segura?

  I'm taking huge dumps today.

• 0:41Christina Pazsitzky?

  You did?

• 0:42Tom Segura?

  I had like waves of caca come out and I feel more ready.

• 0:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  Did you like it? When it's a surprise like that, when you sit down to make brown and then you get a bonus brown?

• 0:52Tom Segura?

  Oh, it was just like.

• 0:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 0:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 0:57Tom Segura?

  It's like, I feel like I took something to like make, I didn't take a laxative.

• 1:01Christina Pazsitzky?

  Eating that bran?

• 1:02Tom Segura?

  No, I took that, I tried that, the Sean had told me, oh, try this all bran, you know?

• 1:07Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, I've been.

• 1:08Tom Segura?

  And he measures it out, you know, like a lunatic. He's like, take exactly 17 grams or whatever. I'm like, whatever. I made a small bowl of it and I was like, oh my god.

• 1:18Christina Pazsitzky?

  Cause I've been eating that. I sprinkle it on my yogurt and boy, does that make me go.

• 1:21Tom Segura?

  It was an emergency.

• 1:22Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:23Tom Segura?

  Mm-hmm.

• 1:24Christina Pazsitzky?

  But doesn't that make you feel lighter, huh?

• 1:26Tom Segura?

  Well, yeah, but I didn't do that. So I just, I got home late last night and then, you know, slept a little bit, got up. I don't even, had I eaten? Yeah, I ate a little, I had a little bit. I had berries and eggs.

• 1:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, eggs make you shit.

• 1:39Tom Segura?

  Well, this was, I mean, I thought I was gonna have a little boom boom and it was so much.

• 1:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah. And you know what's interesting is that I, normally I smell your brown as a very pungent sour smell. No, I'm just, I just, I'm telling you, I didn't even smell it today.

• 1:55Tom Segura?

  Well, I had the flushing and the rinsing going the whole time. I was rinsing and what I love about the washlet, the, the built-in bidets of, of modern society, is you can wash as you shit and then sometimes you keep shitting. Through the wash.

• 2:12Tom Segura?

  The spray will hit your asshole. And your asshole goes, what's that? And then you just keep shitting.

• 2:18Christina Pazsitzky?

  Now, hold on, because I've often used the spray to stimulate my anal.

• 2:21Tom Segura?

  That's what I'm saying.

• 2:22Christina Pazsitzky?

  But then I'd stop the spray once the brown comes down.

• 2:25Tom Segura?

  I'll shit right through it, yeah.

• 2:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  What?

• 2:27Tom Segura?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 2:27Christina Pazsitzky?

  You're crazy. Who does that? Why would you do that? Aren't you afraid you're gonna cut it off or it'll it'll spook it?

• 2:36Tom Segura?

  No, no.

• 2:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  I think it's too much stimulation for me and I I cut it off.

• 2:41Tom Segura?

  It feels kinky. I like it. I like it.

• 2:48Tom Segura?

  This is like, man, anyway, I I just feel like I could shit at any moment again. I really do.

• 2:52Christina Pazsitzky?

  Seriously?

• 2:53Tom Segura?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 2:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  Do you think you ate something questionable last night?

• 2:56Tom Segura?

  I mean, I traveled. Who knows?

• 2:57Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 2:58Tom Segura?

  I ate, uh, right before we left, we ate. I had salmon and rice, which is fine, but you never know.

• 3:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  You never know.

• 3:06Tom Segura?

  You never know. It'll take a few days to adjust. And then I'll leave again and then I'll shit crazy again.

• 3:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  I know. I know. It's weird. I had a I had a little irritation in my bowel, too, where something triggered it and I was just making soft browns for days. You know, when something like irritates your your intestines?

• 3:22Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 3:22Christina Pazsitzky?

  But it's kind of nice because then you're cleaning house.

• 3:25Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 3:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  And it's cool.

• 3:27Tom Segura?

  It's pretty cool. Uh, you ready to start the show?

• 3:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  Of course.

• 3:30Tom Segura?

  Let's do this very quick. Here we go, everybody.

• 3:36Speaker 01

  You don't think I want them nipples?

• 3:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, Jesus.

• 3:39Speaker 01

  I want them nipple too. And your feet. Yeah, I want your feet and them nipples. Them nipples looking at me right now. Come get me, Uncle Sean. Come get me.

• 3:53Christina Pazsitzky?

  I thought you were gonna play something.

• 3:54Speaker 01

  I'm looking at you, boy. I'm coming.

• 3:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  Okay.

• 4:00Speaker 01

  Well, you gotta bring it to me. You gotta bring it to, yeah, you gotta bring me them nipples.

• 4:09Speaker 01

  Who was ranting?

• 4:11Speaker 03

  One mother to this.

• 4:15Speaker 03

  Welcome to your mom's house with Tom Segura.

• 4:25Speaker 03

  Welcome to your mom's house.

• 4:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  Tom, I have to say this.

• 4:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  Before we get along, um.

• 5:05Tom Segura?

  Go ahead.

• 5:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  I mean, I like to change the topic to something a little more dignified.

• 5:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  Why are you, I don't understand why it's so funny to you. What's so funny? Oh my God.

• 5:19Tom Segura?

  Okay, okay.

• 5:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  You're the worst.

• 5:25Tom Segura?

  Okay.

• 5:25Christina Pazsitzky?

  I was gonna say that I noticed over Christmas vacation a while ago.

• 5:30Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 5:31Christina Pazsitzky?

  That I have a specific protocol as I'm browning, meaning I can't read a book and brown. It's too distracting. I can't look at just videos and brown. I have to be, I can't be texting and browning. I have to be playing Tetris. And if I'm not.

• 5:51Tom Segura?

  Wow.

• 5:52Christina Pazsitzky?

  Isn't that crazy?

• 5:53Tom Segura?

  That's fascinating.

• 5:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, I'm serious. And I can't be watching TikTok. I have to play Tetris.

• 5:58Tom Segura?

  I've lost myself on the phone, on the can before on my phone.

• 6:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  I know that. You think I don't know that.

• 6:04Tom Segura?

  Been here.

• 6:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, I know.

• 6:06Tom Segura?

  I have no idea how much time has gone by.

• 6:07Christina Pazsitzky?

  We know that. Especially it's weird when we're alone with our kids. You see them disappear for like an hour.

• 6:12Tom Segura?

  Oh, stop.

• 6:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  And um, yeah, especially when they were young. That was really weird.

• 6:15Tom Segura?

  Exaggerator.

• 6:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  Legs are.

• 6:17Tom Segura?

  Gross exaggerator.

• 6:18Christina Pazsitzky?

  No. Anyway, buy my perfect four lipsticks. You got. Guys, I'm wearing the perfect red right now. I suggest you just buy all four. Why not? They're the perfect colors. I got Madison, Berlin, perfect red and atomic. Christina P dot com.

• 6:30Tom Segura?

  They're beautiful.

• 6:31Christina Pazsitzky?

  They're so beautiful.

• 6:32Tom Segura?

  They are. They're very nice.

• 6:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  More coming. I'm just so pumped. I love doing these. I mean.

• 6:37Speaker 01

  You don't think I want them nipples?

• 6:39Christina Pazsitzky?

  God damn it. I thought we were past it. I tried to get us past it. Hold on. What do you, what's your protocol? Your protocol?

• 6:49Tom Segura?

  I just want a little bit of alone. I want a little, just don't bother me.

• 6:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  Sure.

• 6:56Tom Segura?

  I could do, I mean, as a kid, I did magazines a lot, so I like magazines, but we don't have magazines in there anymore. We used to.

• 7:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  No.

• 7:03Tom Segura?

  Yeah, your phone and just.

• 7:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  But what are you looking at? Like, I found that even specific content I won't brown to.

• 7:10Tom Segura?

  Oh, that does, I don't think that happens to me because I'll read articles. I have like all the, uh, the, like, I have New York Times, LA Times, Wall Street Journal. Like I, I'll read articles.

• 7:20Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's funny because when I, when I walk by the toilet, I don't hear silence.

• 7:24Tom Segura?

  I just read an article this morning.

• 7:25Christina Pazsitzky?

  I usually hear.

• 7:27Tom Segura?

  Sometimes it's people in car accidents and sometimes it's an article.

• 7:31Christina Pazsitzky?

  Most of the time it sounds like violence and I'm like, dude, he is loving that shit.

• 7:35Tom Segura?

  Yeah, sometimes I get lost in a loop of, uh, cool, cool stuff.

• 7:39Christina Pazsitzky?

  Violence.

• 7:40Tom Segura?

  Hmm, accidents.

• 7:41Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 7:42Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 7:42Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 7:43Tom Segura?

  I don't really want to watch violence. I, I, I would like to see like, you know, somebody snowboarding and their knee snapping or something, you know what I mean? Something like that.

• 7:51Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's what I hear through the door.

• 7:53Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 7:53Christina Pazsitzky?

  And also, and this is like, listen, I've just come to terms with it as part of our marriage.

• 7:58Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 7:59Christina Pazsitzky?

  But I've often wanted to talk to you through the door as you're browning. You never let it happen.

• 8:04Tom Segura?

  I don't like being spoken to when I'm browning.

• 8:06Christina Pazsitzky?

  You don't, and I know that about you now.

• 8:08Tom Segura?

  No. Next time you come to that door.

• 8:10Speaker 01

  You gotta bring me them nipples.

• 8:12Tom Segura?

  You know, so here's what I love about Unc, if, if you don't mind. It's been a while. What I love is that he's never changed. I like somebody that's consistent. And if I had introduced you to this man. Ten years ago.

• 8:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 8:26Tom Segura?

  It would be the exact same video that it is today. There is zero evolution, zero. He's still putting out a consistent message. I would wager that if you go to his Instagram page, there are a few hundred videos, maybe with this hat on, and every video is basically the same. It's so crazy.

• 8:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  And usually, these artists, they do evolve. Like RPC, he's taken on different identities. Lucifer's Lair, Professor Comdump, right?

• 8:56Tom Segura?

  Yep.

• 8:57Christina Pazsitzky?

  But you're right, Unc never waivers. Maybe he changes his hat.

• 9:01Tom Segura?

  Let's just, let's just pick one. Go ahead and hit that one. What is it?

• 9:06Speaker 04

  They draws in the front, I'mma tear it up.

• 9:09Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 9:09Speaker 04

  It's just like some crawfish. They booty too. Oh yeah, Mary? I'm telling you.

• 9:15Tom Segura?

  Yeah, go to the next one.

• 9:17Speaker 04

  Yeah, Mary, it's one love, alright?

• 9:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's Mary, he's talking to Mary.

• 9:20Speaker 04

  Them girl that work with you?

• 9:22Tom Segura?

  He wants to eat them draws, he always says that.

• 9:23Speaker 04

  Yeah, Mary, it's one love, alright?

• 9:25Tom Segura?

  Okay.

• 9:26Speaker 04

  Them, them girl that work with you?

• 9:28Tom Segura?

  Okay.

• 9:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 9:29Speaker 04

  Yeah, Mary, it's one.

• 9:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  Sure.

• 9:31Speaker 04

  Uncle Snoop, I got one for you, my boy. Yeah. Birdman, what's happening? I'm cooling, man.

• 9:37Tom Segura?

  Cooling.

• 9:38Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 9:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 9:39Tom Segura?

  Mm-hmm.

• 9:39Speaker 04

  Uncle Snoop, I got something for you.

• 9:41Tom Segura?

  Okay, next one.

• 9:42Speaker 04

  Good morning, good morning, girl. I'm alright, baby. Yeah, girl, I'm alright.

• 9:49Tom Segura?

  Okay.

• 9:51Speaker 04

  Hey, how y'all doing, baby? I'm cooling, baby. Yeah, I went get me something to eat.

• 9:57Tom Segura?

  Mm-hmm.

• 9:58Speaker 04

  Uh-huh.

• 9:59Tom Segura?

  Mm-hmm.

• 9:59Speaker 04

  I'm trying to tell you now. Uncle Snoop, what's happening, my dog? Birdman, what's happening?

• 10:06Tom Segura?

  He's.

• 10:07Speaker 04

  I'm cooling.

• 10:08Tom Segura?

  He's saying hello.

• 10:09Speaker 04

  What's happening, my dog?

• 10:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yep.

• 10:11Speaker 04

  It's one love, man.

• 10:12Tom Segura?

  It's a lot of one loves.

• 10:13Speaker 04

  Uh-huh. I got something for somebody.

• 10:17Speaker 04

  Hey, my baby. Baby girl Kelly, how you doing baby?

• 10:21Tom Segura?

  It's the same. Click the next one.

• 10:25Speaker 04

  And look, one more. I forgot. I forgot. I mean, but I got it. Yeah. I'm trying to tell you I forgot.

• 10:34Tom Segura?

  Okay, I think we got it. Um, so yeah, it is the same exact thing than when we first saw him. A number of years ago and it has not evolved and that's exciting to me.

• 10:49Christina Pazsitzky?

  It is. And why change perfection? He's figured out the formula that works for him.

• 10:53Tom Segura?

  It's like RPC. He has his style.

• 10:55Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 10:56Tom Segura?

  He does his Lucifer's Lair, you know, a lot of touch in the chest, talking about what he likes.

• 11:03Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 11:03Tom Segura?

  And then here's Unc. Although I remember that RPC doesn't like being associated with Unc.

• 11:09Christina Pazsitzky?

  Of course.

• 11:09Tom Segura?

  And is not a fan of his.

• 11:11Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, of course. Well, because RPC is evolved. He is an artist. He is creative. He does have different things.

• 11:17Tom Segura?

  He's a clothing designer, porno actor, singer. He does stand up. Like he does a lot of different, like his, you cannot compare these pages.

• 11:24Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, you can't.

• 11:25Tom Segura?

  Let me tell you, if there's a surefire way to wake up feeling fresh after a night of drinking, it's with Zbiotics Pre-Alcohol. It's a probiotic drink, the first genetically engineered drink of its kind, was developed by PhD scientists to ease rough mornings by breaking down a toxic byproduct alcohol produces in the gut. Just remember, to make pre-alcohol your first drink of the night, drink responsibly and you'll feel your best tomorrow. Every time I take pre-alcohol before drinks, I feel the difference the next day. Still ready for my morning workouts? No worries. Go to zbiotics.com/ymh to learn more

• 12:06Tom Segura?

  and get 15% off your first order when you use Y M H at checkout. Zbiotics is backed with a 100% money back guarantee. So if you're unsatisfied for any reason, they'll refund your money, no questions asked. Remember, head to zbiotics.com/ymh and use the code YMH at checkout for 15%.

• 12:27Tom Segura?

  Percent off. I know that none of you watch porn. But just in case you have any friends that do, help me pass along this important PSA. Incognito mode does not make you incognito. Check the fine print. All your late night activities are still 100% visible to a ton of third parties. Unless you use ExpressVPN. Without ExpressVPN, others can still see the sites you visit. Even in incognito mode. ExpressVPN encrypts your traffic to keep your browsing private. ExpressVPN hides your IP, making it tough for anyone to track you. Super easy. Just open the app, tap once, and you're protected. It works on all your devices, too, so you can stay private everywhere.

• 13:12Tom Segura?

  Everywhere you go, you don't need people peeking into what you do, right? There's a reason you close the blinds at your house, because you don't want people seeing all of your decisions. Now, protect your privacy online today by visiting expressvpn.com/ymh. That's E-X-P-R-E-S-S-V-P-N dot com slash Y M H. You can get an extra four months free. Expressvpn.com/ymh. Yeah.

• 13:42Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, look at his content. Way better.

• 13:44Tom Segura?

  Fun men to meet. Like, yeah.

• 13:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, he's amazing.

• 13:47Tom Segura?

  Yeah, he does. This is a totally different thing. I mean, look at those birds. It's fucking amazing.

• 13:52Christina Pazsitzky?

  What's with the fire? What's he doing there?

• 13:53Tom Segura?

  It's Lucifer's lair. What do you think?

• 13:56Speaker 05

  Welcome to Lucifer's lair, man. If you're hot, baby, RPC's waiting to take a hot. You guys, nine one seven, three five three two nine one three.

• 14:03Tom Segura?

  Same message.

• 14:04Speaker 05

  Six six three seven eight five two three. Six six one six one eight. Nine two nine seven oh six nine eight.

• 14:10Tom Segura?

  Jesus.

• 14:11Speaker 05

  Three nine five Wagner House, man. Look at the hot, black, Latino, rough, gray guys. All kind of guys, interracial. Illegal, twenty three, twenty three nine five Wagner House, apartment two, see, Bella Team, one twenty fourth, Fifth Avenue, East Side of Harlem.

• 14:24Tom Segura?

  I mean, that's the same message, man. That's the same.

• 14:27Christina Pazsitzky?

  But here's the deal, man. Why do I feel nothing but love? I gotta be honest with you. The feelings I get watching these gentlemen, Unc makes me feel a little scared.

• 14:36Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 14:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  And I feel repelled by that. But for RPC, I want him to get what he wants.

• 14:42Tom Segura?

  I understand what you're saying.

• 14:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  Why is that?

• 14:44Tom Segura?

  I don't know. I mean, also, how many pages does RPC have on Instagram? Does he have a few still? At least ten. Ten pages? At least. Could you pull up another one?

• 14:52Speaker 06

  Sure.

• 14:52Tom Segura?

  Just wanna see.

• 14:53Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, man.

• 14:55Tom Segura?

  Cause Robert.

• 14:55Christina Pazsitzky?

  God, he's so charming. Is it the charm? Is it the?

• 14:59Tom Segura?

  Oh, yeah. Yeah. Wow. Yeah, cool. Oh, wow.

• 15:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh.

• 15:06Tom Segura?

  Oh, did he give a shout out to? Okay.

• 15:12Christina Pazsitzky?

  Do not trust this man.

• 15:14Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 15:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  He, he's.

• 15:16Tom Segura?

  I did not sell my ideas.

• 15:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  Fraud by trying to copy my hats and caps. Fashion and put my name on it. Oh, wow.

• 15:23Tom Segura?

  Well, you know, IP is a real big thing these days.

• 15:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  Of course.

• 15:27Tom Segura?

  You know what I mean? Um, and yeah, I would definitely side with RPC on that.

• 15:31Christina Pazsitzky?

  Of course. Maybe I feel a kinship with RPC because he is a comedian. He is a singer.

• 15:37Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 15:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  He is an actor. He's a performer.

• 15:38Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 15:39Christina Pazsitzky?

  And he's a lover of animals.

• 15:40Tom Segura?

  Great guy.

• 15:41Christina Pazsitzky?

  Um, but I don't know much else about Unc Shine. Maybe if I knew a little bit more about him.

• 15:45Tom Segura?

  Um, you're good. You're good. Um, I'll just say this. If you are visiting the greater New York area and you are a hot black or Latino man, and you're looking for a good time, I would take him up on this. You can use Google Maps and just type in Robert Paul Champagne, RPC. It'll take you exactly to where he, there it is, right there. Twenty-three ninety Second Avenue, New York. Yeah, Wagner Houses, apartment two C. Just ring the buzzer and he will buzz you right in.

• 16:12Christina Pazsitzky?

  Whoa, whoa, hold on. It says twenty-three ninety Second Avenue.

• 16:15Tom Segura?

  Um, yeah, well.

• 16:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  Whoa, wait a minute. That's inaccurate.

• 16:20Speaker 06

  I think Wagner Houses is like that whole block.

• 16:22Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 16:23Speaker 06

  That's just kinda like laid on there.

• 16:24Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 16:25Christina Pazsitzky?

  Thank God. I, I don't wanna spread misinformation there, you know?

• 16:29Tom Segura?

  Well, let's move on to something that, uh, frankly, can't really wait much longer.

• 16:33Christina Pazsitzky?

  Sure.

• 16:33Tom Segura?

  There's two things really. One is that Charo was here last week.

• 16:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  Boy, was she ever.

• 16:38Tom Segura?

  Holy shit, was that something? Um.

• 16:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  I might say her best appearance yet.

• 16:46Tom Segura?

  It was a legendary classic appearance. Um, and the boys did the right thing. They didn't even have to be.

• 16:52Christina Pazsitzky?

  There we go.

• 16:52Tom Segura?

  Ass. There is an incredible supercut.

• 16:55Christina Pazsitzky?

  Let me just relax.

• 16:56Tom Segura?

  Let's just get into position and enjoy this, everybody.

• 17:00Speaker 05

  Okay. Hello, Gorn. Thank you, Gorn. Everybody.

• 17:04Tom Segura?

  Hey, pull the mic down a little bit.

• 17:05Speaker 05

  These are my dogs.

• 17:06Speaker 06

  You can't lift the cup.

• 17:12Tom Segura?

  Okay.

• 17:12Speaker 05

  Ah, no!

• 17:14Tom Segura?

  How's the coffee? They're ready to get another one.

• 17:16Speaker 05

  Well, if I don't have...

• 17:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  Don't move the microphone.

• 17:19Tom Segura?

  Now pull it down. Not from there, from the bottom.

• 17:21Speaker 05

  Well, you do it. You can do... Ay, ay, ay!

• 17:25Tom Segura?

  It's not hanging, she's like, "Grab it."

• 17:27Speaker 05

  Tommy!

• 17:29Tom Segura?

  You want another coffee? Yeah!

• 17:31Speaker 05

  Tommy! What? No way!

• 17:34Tom Segura?

  Coffee on the way.

• 17:35Speaker 05

  Coffee on the way, thank you so much.

• 17:36Tom Segura?

  Thank you, Heather.

• 17:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  Another coffee?

• 17:38Tom Segura?

  We can do another coffee?

• 17:39Speaker 05

  How we talk about the crew? How we talk about the crew?

• 17:42Tom Segura?

  Yes, been a few times already.

• 17:46Speaker 05

  Did we talk about the crew?

• 17:47Tom Segura?

  Yes, hours ago.

• 17:49Speaker 05

  And did I thank you and not? Did I thank you and not?

• 17:52Tom Segura?

  I'm so glad that we were all able to do it.

• 17:53Speaker 05

  I was talking. Can I get a coffee, please?

• 17:56Tom Segura?

  You want another coffee, for real?

• 17:57Speaker 05

  What do you mean, "another coffee"? One cup of coffee doesn't make me "another coffee"?

• 18:02Tom Segura?

  This will be number four or five that you're having, just so you know.

• 18:06Speaker 05

  Que paso?

• 18:06Christina Pazsitzky?

  I don't know. What's wrong with you? That headphones on your cheek.

• 18:09Speaker 05

  Are you testing me, Tommy Stupi? Can I talk? Talk nice!

• 18:15Speaker 05

  Thank you.

• 18:15Tom Segura?

  Reach the other way. No, no, closer to you. Below, here, here, right here, just show her.

• 18:21Speaker 05

  Thank you.

• 18:22Tom Segura?

  Thanks, Chuck.

• 18:22Christina Pazsitzky?

  I forgot.

• 18:24Speaker 05

  This is your show, really?

• 18:27Speaker 05

  Don't be retarded. I might be retarded, but I'm not stupid. Tata, the retard? Guess what?

• 18:32Tom Segura?

  What?

• 18:33Speaker 05

  I'm taking you to buy me something.

• 18:38Tom Segura?

  Unbelievable. Truly remarkable.

• 18:41Christina Pazsitzky?

  That was so much fun, reliving it like that. Phew! She was a little... I mean, look, she was a little, uh, out, out there. She was out of it. She'd taken some edibles.

• 18:52Tom Segura?

  And drank a lot.

• 18:53Christina Pazsitzky?

  And drank a lot.

• 18:53Tom Segura?

  And had five coffees.

• 18:57Tom Segura?

  I mean, it was...

• 18:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  That was amazing.

• 18:59Tom Segura?

  It was unhinged. She was totally unhinged.

• 19:01Christina Pazsitzky?

  She really was. Did you, did you take her shopping?

• 19:04Tom Segura?

  No, I haven't spoken to her since.

• 19:07Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, rest assured, she went through my closet last night and took out a jacket.

• 19:11Tom Segura?

  She did?

• 19:11Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah. She, she, she got something, don't worry.

• 19:13Tom Segura?

  Not surprised.

• 19:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 19:15Tom Segura?

  Um, well, I hope you enjoyed it. Who knows if we'll ever see her again, but that was a pretty memorable episode.

• 19:20Christina Pazsitzky?

  You guys had a, you had a row.

• 19:22Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 19:22Christina Pazsitzky?

  It was the Brits. Say, "I'm not a bit of a row"?

• 19:25Tom Segura?

  Yeah. You sure did.

• 19:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, she was a little blitzed, maybe when she left and may have said some things. You know what I mean?

• 19:33Tom Segura?

  We'll see. Hopefully I'll have an update for you soon if she's still alive. All right, so this you're gonna absolutely.

• 19:41Christina Pazsitzky?

  Okay.

• 19:43Tom Segura?

  All right. Hey, Jeans, big fan of both y'all and YMH Podcast that has helped me deal with a lot of hard times in life. You guys have made me laugh when I've had the shittiest day. I'm very thankful to be alive at the same time as y'all. I'm a tattoo artist from East Tennessee. I've always wanted to give myself a YMH tattoo, but didn't really know exactly what to do. That was until I saw Christine's amazing artwork of Tom choking practically to death, just trying to say the word Netflix. I can't name a more pivotal moment in all media that is more deserving of a tribute. The entire world practically stopped to hear if Timothy would make it through such a dangerous word to say out loud. And I think we're all in a better place now that he had made it through such a life-threatening situation. To commemorate both an amazing piece of art and an unforgettable moment in history,

• 20:27Tom Segura?

  I chose the choke as my YMH tattoo as a gift to myself. I hope I made Mommy Jeans proud and I hope Tom gets the speech therapy he needs. Mwah, Skylar, here you go.

• 20:39Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, my God.

• 20:42Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, my God, it's perfect.

• 20:44Tom Segura?

  Believable.

• 20:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's, how did you do it? It's identical. No, is that real? Am I being, am I being duped?

• 20:50Tom Segura?

  No, you're not being duped. That's real. That is real.

• 20:52Christina Pazsitzky?

  Holy shit, he really did it perfectly.

• 20:55Tom Segura?

  You know, my favorite part about this too is that there is gonna be somebody who goes like, who is that? What is that? And he could be like, oh, you like, do you like stand up?

• 21:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's a whole story.

• 21:07Tom Segura?

  You ever see?

• 21:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's a whole story.

• 21:09Tom Segura?

  You ever see Tom Segura and they'll be like, what? Like, yeah. And he's like, yeah, that's him.

• 21:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  And what's really special is that it's a, both of us, it's a collaborative thing.

• 21:20Tom Segura?

  It is.

• 21:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  And it's a, it's, I love this. I can't encourage this enough.

• 21:24Tom Segura?

  It's incredible. It's really, really remarkable.

• 21:27Christina Pazsitzky?

  I'm just so thrilled as an artist to have my work featured on somebody's body forever now.

• 21:31Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 21:32Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's so cool. Wow.

• 21:34Tom Segura?

  Well, Skylar, you are incredible. I think we need to send him something.

• 21:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  Absolutely.

• 21:38Tom Segura?

  Guys, please reach out because that is remarkable. Please, uh, please share any future interactions you have from people when they go, what the fuck is that?

• 21:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, my God, please. And by the way, don't think I'm resting on my laurels just because of this success. I'm already developing my next piece of art that you are my muse.

• 21:57Tom Segura?

  I know. You've told me.

• 21:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  You are my muse, and I know exactly what I'm gonna do.

• 22:02Tom Segura?

  Um, I'm excited. I'm excited to see what you, you're such a prolific artist.

• 22:07Christina Pazsitzky?

  Thank you.

• 22:08Tom Segura?

  I just want to see what comes next, you know? But like they say in the art world, you know, you don't want to put out too much.

• 22:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  This is true.

• 22:14Tom Segura?

  You don't want to lower the value of your work, so.

• 22:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  This is true. This is why I'm parcelling it out. Like, we did the first one, the second one, I'm gonna, what are you doing?

• 22:22Tom Segura?

  I'm rugying.

• 22:25Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, that's why. It's the rugies in there.

• 22:28Tom Segura?

  So, this one, I have diarrhea ready to come out of me, so just let me show you this real quick. Yeah, I guess I'm a little antsy.

• 22:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 22:35Tom Segura?

  So I have to shit pretty bad.

• 22:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  Maybe don't drink coffee.

• 22:37Tom Segura?

  I want to. So, here you go. This is, uh, we found another Kevin Spaniel's classic here.

• 22:42Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, I miss him.

• 22:45Speaker 01

  You're definitely a single woman because you got the single woman tell. That damn smoke detector. How do you live with that?

• 22:53Christina Pazsitzky?

  Um, the way that I've been living with just being a single woman is...

• 22:57Speaker 01

  No, no, no, no, no. Specifically, the smoke detector that keeps chirping. How do you live with that?

• 23:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  Can you just elaborate more on like the, what do you mean by the smoke? Oh, my God.

• 23:07Speaker 01

  It, it keeps going beep.

• 23:09Christina Pazsitzky?

  Like red flies?

• 23:11Speaker 01

  That, that smoke detector that's beeping in the background. There's a smoke detector.

• 23:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  Um.

• 23:18Speaker 01

  It beeps every thirty seconds and it goes beep.

• 23:22Christina Pazsitzky?

  I don't, I don't hear anything beeping. Did, did you just hear it again? Because I don't hear anything.

• 23:29Speaker 01

  Wait for it. Told you guys, they, they don't hear it after a while. There it was.

• 23:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  The beep?

• 23:48Speaker 05

  Yeah, so I don't know, maybe I have to replace my fire smoke detector.

• 23:51Speaker 04

  Oh, my God.

• 23:52Speaker 05

  Batteries. Yeah, maybe that's what it is. Okay, so I just noticed it.

• 23:56Speaker 04

  You didn't notice it. And it's the first, it's one of the first things men notice about you ladies because a man would not sit there with that thing beeping like that. Every thirty, every fifteen seconds, it beeps.

• 24:09Speaker 05

  Okay, noted.

• 24:11Speaker 04

  My point is, guys, the things that we notice, they don't notice. They just, they get comfortable.

• 24:17Tom Segura?

  It's insane.

• 24:18Christina Pazsitzky?

  How does she sleep at night?

• 24:19Tom Segura?

  She's tuned it out. She didn't even hear it.

• 24:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, that's really interesting because it's one of the marks of a cool guy very early in YMH history.

• 24:27Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 24:27Christina Pazsitzky?

  The chirp, the chirp, that was, that's always part of their thing.

• 24:31Tom Segura?

  Well, schizophrenic minds can kind of make sense of a lot of things.

• 24:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  Tune that shit out.

• 24:36Tom Segura?

  It's official. I got a shit. Let's take a quick break.

• 24:39Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yep.

• 24:40Tom Segura?

  This show is sponsored by Liquid IV. This year, I have some fitness goals. I want to trim down some and I want to stop cramping. Whatever you do, come into your own, your own way with extraordinary hydration from Liquid IV. Powered by Live Hydroscience, Liquid IV helps you break the mold with flavors like their new hydration multiplier, sugar-free raspberry lemonade, a bright, zero-sugar flavor combining notes of ripe, freshly picked raspberries and citrusy, zesty lemon. I'm a fan of all these flavors. I like all the stuff they make.

• 25:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, my gosh, I'm hooked on the white peach, sugar-free.

• 25:16Tom Segura?

  White peach is what's up.

• 25:18Christina Pazsitzky?

  Every day.

• 25:19Tom Segura?

  I even like brostrary. I mean, strawberry. Liquid IV continues to set the standard in flavor innovation with refreshing true-to-fruit blends designed to keep you hydrated. Discover favorites like acai berry, lemon lime, and pina colada, or explore sugar-free varieties, including raspberry lemonade, white peach, and rainbow sherbet, all available on their website. Break the mold and own your ritual. Just one stick plus sixteen ounces of water hydrates better than water alone. Embrace your ritual with extraordinary hydration from Liquid IV. Get twenty percent off your first order of Liquid IV when you go to liquid-iv.com and use the code YMH at checkout. That's twenty percent off your first order when you shop for better hydration today using the promo code YMH

• 26:01Tom Segura?

  at liquid-iv.com. And we're back and super excited for our guest. You could check out his new podcast, Jim Norton Can't Save You. It's Jim Norton, everybody.

• 26:11Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, Jim Norton.

• 26:12Tom Segura?

  Guys, thanks for coming. I can't believe this is a long time that this has not happened in.

• 26:16Speaker 06

  I know. We keep, every time I'd be here, you would be away. Cause you're on tour somewhere, or like when you guys were available, I wasn't here. So I'm happy it's finally happening.

• 26:24Tom Segura?

  Yeah, I'm so happy to see you, man.

• 26:26Speaker 06

  Me too.

• 26:26Tom Segura?

  We are huge, huge fans.

• 26:28Speaker 06

  Oh, thank you.

• 26:28Tom Segura?

  Yeah, you're an amazing comic. Obviously, you've been doing great radio and podcasting forever too. But this is fucking, this is a treat, man.

• 26:37Speaker 06

  Thank you. Now watch me bomb for an hour.

• 26:39Tom Segura?

  No, you're always good. You're always good. We actually did that show together. Wasn't it the three of us that did that?

• 26:44Speaker 06

  In Pittsburgh.

• 26:45Tom Segura?

  In Pittsburgh, and that was 2014.

• 26:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  What?

• 26:48Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 26:48Christina Pazsitzky?

  God, that feels like an eternity ago. Vaguely.

• 26:52Speaker 06

  Yeah, it was a theater, some weird theater for Randy and DVE.

• 26:55Tom Segura?

  The radio guys.

• 26:56Speaker 06

  DVE, yeah.

• 26:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, yeah.

• 26:57Tom Segura?

  Yes, and everybody did, it was like 10 people or something like that.

• 27:01Christina Pazsitzky?

  It was 2014.

• 27:02Tom Segura?

  It was 2014.

• 27:03Speaker 06

  Yeah, it's depressing.

• 27:04Tom Segura?

  Or maybe 15, I don't know.

• 27:06Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, cause we didn't have kids then. We were still like normal people.

• 27:09Tom Segura?

  You're right, you're right, yeah.

• 27:10Speaker 06

  It was a long time ago, yeah. It was like a tag, I didn't even know who closed it.

• 27:13Tom Segura?

  You did.

• 27:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 27:14Speaker 06

  Did I really?

• 27:15Tom Segura?

  You closed it.

• 27:15Speaker 06

  Oh, I did.

• 27:16Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 27:17Speaker 06

  Wow, I had no memory of that.

• 27:18Tom Segura?

  I remember very well. It was, um, yeah.

• 27:20Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh my God, I was so starstruck. I remember being on that lineup with you. I was like, it's Jim Norton, oh my God.

• 27:26Tom Segura?

  Yeah, we all were, yeah.

• 27:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 27:28Speaker 06

  Oh, thanks.

• 27:29Tom Segura?

  Yeah, no, you're, you're, cause I mean this honestly, your standup is so good. You are, you are definitely an underrated, as much success and everything that everybody knows, your standup is so good.

• 27:40Speaker 06

  Oh, thank you.

• 27:41Tom Segura?

  I like, the thing I like watching is like, somebody who's like willing to take risks and go for it, you know? And I feel like you're one of those guys that if I watch you, I'm like, man, I gotta fucking step it up. Like, which is a good thing to have, you know, it's a good feeling to have.

• 27:56Speaker 06

  Yeah, we feel like if you're like emotionally vomiting, it feels good just to kind of get it out, cause then I can't get caught.

• 28:02Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 28:02Speaker 06

  Like, you're not gonna get busted with something if you tell everybody first.

• 28:05Tom Segura?

  Yeah, you're very honest. You're very honest on stage.

• 28:06Speaker 06

  It's just a fear of getting caught, and a fear of being like, oh, somebody telling something about me, something if I tell you first, you have, you know how it is.

• 28:13Tom Segura?

  Yeah, sure.

• 28:13Speaker 06

  You got nothing to say.

• 28:14Tom Segura?

  But you always, did you always have that? Like, were you always that way?

• 28:17Speaker 06

  It's what made comics laugh when I started.

• 28:19Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 28:19Speaker 06

  Like, it was, like, I would start and like, it was like, uh, it's like 1991, and guys like Bob Levy and Jim Florentine would come, and they would always laugh at the stuff I talked about that was like me and my personal life and sex, and on, like, the honest self-deprecating shit, like the real self-hatred.

• 28:34Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 28:34Speaker 06

  And that would make my, those guys.

• 28:36Tom Segura?

  It's so funny.

• 28:37Speaker 06

  They were like, I love that. So like making them laugh to me was like.

• 28:41Tom Segura?

  That was the win.

• 28:42Speaker 06

  That was the win, man. Yeah.

• 28:43Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 28:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, what I love about you is that you are so open about your sexual proclivities or your quote deviancies and all of that. And I think in watching somebody who accepts themselves, even if you hate yourself so fully, it allows other people to accept themselves.

• 28:59Speaker 06

  In a way, yeah, that's always satisfying if somebody emails me. Like, I've gotten a lot over the years of people going, hey, I'm so glad you talked about that because I thought I was alone. Like, doing that stuff in childhood, or like liking this or liking that. Like, it was so nice to hear somebody talk about it. Like, guys you wouldn't expect to hear it from.

• 29:16Tom Segura?

  Sure.

• 29:16Speaker 06

  Because it was on Opie and Anthony. Like, and they were just barbarians, the audience.

• 29:20Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 29:20Speaker 06

  But, I mean, they're real people.

• 29:22Tom Segura?

  Sure.

• 29:22Speaker 06

  You know, they're harsh and like they have a vicious, mean sense of humor, but at the end of the day, they're just regular people.

• 29:27Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 29:29Speaker 06

  So they would write in and they related to certain things and they appreciate it. And they're like, I always thought I was gay if I did this. You know, and they were right. But I mean,

• 29:37Speaker 06

  you're a homo.

• 29:37Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 29:38Speaker 06

  But it was, it was nice to get those messages from people. I was like, hey, it's fun telling on yourself, but it's also nice when somebody kind of relates to it.

• 29:46Tom Segura?

  Yeah, I mean, like, but I think that thing too about, like, watching you be super open and honest, I think even as a comedian, you're watching it and you're like, man, I need more of that open. You know what I mean? It's like, it makes you go like, oh, I should just share that thing that I'm scared to share.

• 30:04Speaker 06

  Right. Because what are they, the worst that's gonna happen is they don't like it.

• 30:06Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 30:07Speaker 06

  Or they don't relate. A lot of times they won't admit relating to something.

• 30:10Tom Segura?

  Yes.

• 30:10Speaker 06

  It's hard to get people to like, you know how it is.

• 30:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  Because it's the mirror. You're, it's too much. Because some people aren't conscious, I think, of what it is.

• 30:19Speaker 06

  Yes.

• 30:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  So if you're like, like, I was trying to do this bit for the longest time about how women can hate their husbands when you first have a child. Because it's true. The, the woman carries the baby for nine months. We're exhausted. We give birth and then we breastfeed and, and you're like, what the fuck have you done?

• 30:34Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 30:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  And that's just a very normal, it, it eventually subsides, but I, I just couldn't sell it. Cause the women are sitting next to their husbands in the audience.

• 30:43Tom Segura?

  And they're like, I don't hate you.

• 30:44Christina Pazsitzky?

  I don't hate you. Everything's great.

• 30:45Speaker 06

  Yeah. You were a great partner. You went to Lamaze with me. Yeah.

• 30:48Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 30:49Christina Pazsitzky?

  But I think it's natural.

• 30:50Speaker 06

  I guess so. So were you ever able to sell it? Were you ever able to find the thing that would just kind of, you could just never get it to click where they would?

• 30:57Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 30:57Speaker 06

  Be safe going with it?

• 30:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah. Cause now I have to blame my own mental illness. I blame it on my relationship I had with my father and that he was abandoning. And then, then I can tie it back to me projecting it on him and then it gets safer.

• 31:10Tom Segura?

  Then it's like, then they go, okay.

• 31:11Christina Pazsitzky?

  She's messed up. She's still mentally ill.

• 31:13Speaker 06

  Yeah. She's crazy. I'm laughing because she's crazy, not because I hated your fucking guts.

• 31:17Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 31:18Christina Pazsitzky?

  Exactly. But doesn't that help when they think you're crazy? And I think that helps.

• 31:23Speaker 06

  It, it gives them the excuse sometimes that they need. Like otherwise they think like, if I'm laughing, I'm admitting and if I'm laughing, I'm agreeing.

• 31:29Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 31:29Speaker 06

  But if I'm laughing because they're crazy, it's okay.

• 31:32Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 31:33Speaker 06

  Cause no one's going to stop you at the, and say, could you put checklist of why you laughed at these bits? It doesn't matter. Why did you laugh? Does it bother you when someone says, as a woman, when someone says, we're pregnant?

• 31:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yes.

• 31:44Speaker 06

  Does that, that drives me crazy when I see couples saying that. It's like.

• 31:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  Weird. No, you're not.

• 31:47Speaker 06

  She is.

• 31:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  She is. Or, or my partner. I don't like hearing, I just husband, wife.

• 31:52Speaker 06

  Yeah. Just say, just say, yeah.

• 31:53Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's fine.

• 31:54Tom Segura?

  She's pregnant. I'm going out tonight.

• 31:59Speaker 06

  She's pregnant and I did it.

• 32:00Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 32:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  We're pregnant.

• 32:01Speaker 06

  I hear like people you wouldn't expect to hear saying, we're pregnant or saying that. I'm like, oh.

• 32:06Tom Segura?

  It is like a type of couple too.

• 32:08Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 32:08Tom Segura?

  They are, there's, they're, they're a little bit like, um, full of themselves, right? They think, you can tell when they, when they say we allow. It's somebody who goes, well, that's the right thing to say.

• 32:19Speaker 06

  Sure.

• 32:19Tom Segura?

  You know, so it's, it's kind of like the, I don't know, the ultra liberal type.

• 32:24Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 32:25Tom Segura?

  Goes, we are doing this.

• 32:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  Do you do we?

• 32:28Speaker 06

  I'm not with pregnant in my house.

• 32:33Speaker 06

  No, not real. I mean, unless we're doing something, but there's really no, there wouldn't be much cause for it. Like, um, we're doing this or what? No, it would just be me or her or like, I can't think of any case where it would, it would feel like we should do it the way like a, you know, like a couple like you would, would do it, like where you're pregnant.

• 32:51Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, yeah, the pregnancy thing is absurd, but, but even one time, I remember one time Tom and I, you probably remember what I'm gonna say. Uh, we're in the airport getting ready to go on a vacation together and he gets a phone call and he's like, I'm going to Hawaii. And I was like, just you? Just you? And I was like, what about us as a family? We, we are going and you got, remember that?

• 33:12Tom Segura?

  Did I get upset?

• 33:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 33:13Tom Segura?

  Probably. Probably deserved it. Here's, here's the truth. It's, I still was going to Hawaii.

• 33:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah. Right. Both, both things can be true.

• 33:21Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 33:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  One just makes you a little more selfish.

• 33:23Tom Segura?

  I do remember this though. I remember, I remember in college, I, I, there was a time where one of my roommates, Casey and I were just like, you know, we, we had an apartment. We had it for, we stayed for the summer. That was the thing where like people went, you know, like in college, went back home.

• 33:39Speaker 06

  Right.

• 33:39Tom Segura?

  And we stayed and we were like getting up, uh, working out together, hanging out during the day, watching movies. And then we went to a party at somebody's place at an apartment. And as we were leaving, I remember I turned to the person and I was like, thanks, uh, thanks for having us. And then we walked out and I was like, yo, that's what a couple would say, man.

• 34:01Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 34:02Tom Segura?

  I go, I just thank them for having us. Like we are a unit.

• 34:06Christina Pazsitzky?

  The sweetest gay couple ever.

• 34:08Tom Segura?

  And I was like, I think we're hanging out too much because I'm like referring to us as one.

• 34:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 34:13Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 34:13Speaker 06

  But it does feel weird if you walk out with your friend and you go, hey, thanks for having me. And then he's like a dick, like me too.

• 34:17Tom Segura?

  Me too. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 34:19Speaker 06

  But you know, I don't, I don't necessarily, I think in that case, what I say, I'm, it would depend on what they're calling me for. If it was someone saying, hey, could you do this?

• 34:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  Like a business?

• 34:27Speaker 06

  Gig, yeah, or something like, I might go, no, I'm gonna be in Hawaii. I don't know if I'd say, we're going to Hawaii.

• 34:31Tom Segura?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 34:32Christina Pazsitzky?

  Hold on, your honor. I think it was your mother who you're, who you're talking to. And you're like, I'm going to Hawaii. And I was like, you're not gonna?

• 34:39Tom Segura?

  I mean, I, I don't think I put that much thought into it, honestly. I really was just like, yeah.

• 34:44Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's the troubling part, isn't it?

• 34:46Speaker 06

  It annoyed you though.

• 34:47Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 34:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  It annoyed me. It was very selfish, very self-centered.

• 34:50Tom Segura?

  I also remember like start of the marriage, you being like, uh, You you saying something about a we thing like we we are getting this place. We have a place and I was just like, who fucking cares?

• 35:02Speaker 06

  Well, they said to be careful doing that if you have an apartment and you marry somebody like be careful about saying like our home or whatever. Cause then they can like lay claim to it if you get.

• 35:12Tom Segura?

  Oh, really?

• 35:12Speaker 06

  Yeah, I know somebody she had money and she married a guy and she's like, yo, just be careful saying something like our place of like she kept it on her. It was her place.

• 35:20Tom Segura?

  Oh, it's my, yeah.

• 35:21Speaker 06

  I guess so. Yeah, this way if they get divorced, he kept it. Then again, maybe that was just her being fucking paranoid and there was no legal basis for it.

• 35:26Tom Segura?

  Yeah, sure, sure.

• 35:27Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, definitely. Cause in New York, isn't it? What is it called? Common?

• 35:32Tom Segura?

  Common law stuff?

• 35:32Christina Pazsitzky?

  I don't know.

• 35:33Tom Segura?

  Well, there's a thing that I know that I think in Texas, cause there's certain states where you can date somebody for and it's over a certain amount of time.

• 35:41Speaker 06

  Seven years, I think.

• 35:41Tom Segura?

  And not married and then they have claim to.

• 35:44Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, yeah.

• 35:45Tom Segura?

  Property.

• 35:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  Common law marriage.

• 35:46Speaker 06

  Is that if you're living together?

• 35:47Tom Segura?

  You have to live together.

• 35:48Speaker 06

  Yeah, I don't know if New York has common law. I think it's a seven year period, though. Maybe it's different in different places.

• 35:55Tom Segura?

  Let's see. No, New York does not.

• 35:57Speaker 06

  Oh, good.

• 35:58Tom Segura?

  Thank God.

• 35:59Speaker 06

  Yeah, yeah.

• 36:00Tom Segura?

  Texas does, I bet, right? Texas is a common law state.

• 36:03Speaker 06

  Two weeks.

• 36:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  Definitely.

• 36:05Tom Segura?

  Yes. Informal marriage to marry without formalities. Okay, what is the requirement? You have to be 18, not related. That's good. Not married to anyone else. They have to, yeah, cohabitate. They must agree to be married, though.

• 36:18Speaker 06

  Oh.

• 36:18Tom Segura?

  So that's a interesting thing is that they must present themselves as married.

• 36:24Speaker 06

  What is the, what is the proof of that, though?

• 36:26Tom Segura?

  That's exactly what I wanted to ask.

• 36:27Speaker 06

  Cause all she's got to say is he told me that we're married. We're like a married couple.

• 36:32Christina Pazsitzky?

  For sure.

• 36:32Speaker 06

  I just have to fill out immigration things for we have to put like, you know, when you're having your green card, the conditions take off. Norway.

• 36:39Tom Segura?

  Okay.

• 36:39Speaker 06

  So having the conditions take off and you have to, one of the things you have to get your friends to sign or something. They say they do present as a married couple. They are married. So they don't get scammed.

• 36:48Tom Segura?

  Yeah, so many people do that scam too. I've met so many people that have done it for somebody else and you're like.

• 36:54Speaker 06

  You're married? Well, you know, kind of.

• 36:56Tom Segura?

  Yeah, they just like hook them up with the green card, though.

• 36:58Speaker 06

  It's crazy.

• 36:59Tom Segura?

  It is crazy.

• 36:59Christina Pazsitzky?

  Um, can I ask you the dumbest question?

• 37:01Speaker 06

  Sure. She is.

• 37:03Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yep. So, so hold on. Okay, so you married, you married, but you're married to a trans woman?

• 37:09Speaker 06

  Yes.

• 37:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  So are you married? Like boy, girl married or you boy, boy married? Do you know what I mean?

• 37:15Speaker 06

  Boy, girl married because on her, I mean, I know that's like a whole, I, I know that that's, you know, I mean, she's definitely, she's different than you, obviously. But on her passport and on her birth certificate, it says female because Norway is very

• 37:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh.

• 37:30Speaker 06

  Open about that.

• 37:30Tom Segura?

  Oh, yeah.

• 37:31Christina Pazsitzky?

  Okay.

• 37:32Speaker 06

  Which they, they've changed the way you can change your, but they actually, you change your birth certificate.

• 37:36Tom Segura?

  Wow.

• 37:37Speaker 06

  In Norway.

• 37:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  Wow.

• 37:38Tom Segura?

  So it says that. That's very progressive.

• 37:39Speaker 06

  It, it is. Yeah. I mean, it's, it's kind of whatever. I mean, I mean, it works out well for us, but.

• 37:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  But what do you mean? What's the, because you kind of went like, oh, that's.

• 37:48Speaker 06

  I mean, I don't know. It should be necessarily that easy for a person just to say, I am the, like, I think there should be some process.

• 37:55Tom Segura?

  Oh.

• 37:55Speaker 06

  You go through. It doesn't mean that it can't happen, but I just think this would, would prevent, you know, some guy that looks like me or you. Yeah. Just, just going, hey, I got arrested. I want to go to a woman's prison.

• 38:05Tom Segura?

  Yeah, sure.

• 38:06Christina Pazsitzky?

  By the way, your wife is lovely. I got to get to know her a little bit in the green room at mothership.

• 38:12Speaker 06

  Oh, okay. Yeah.

• 38:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  Gorgeous.

• 38:13Speaker 06

  Oh, thank you.

• 38:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  Sweet and funny and like, just so cool. And I'm really happy for you. I mean, I don't know you really well, but you seem very happy and very much in love and like, this is a good relationship.

• 38:26Speaker 06

  Yeah, it's, um, it's like, you know, you settle in and you realize like, wow, I am married. Like it, it really is at times great and other times, you know.

• 38:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 38:34Speaker 06

  It's everything they said. It's every, I'm living every fucking hack comic in the eighties.

• 38:38Tom Segura?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 38:39Speaker 06

  Bit. Like they were right. They were right. But I do like it. I was lonely. It sucks when you're in your fifties and you're single.

• 38:45Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 38:46Speaker 06

  And it's all just, you know, it's one person after the other, or it's nobody for six months. It's just lonely.

• 38:51Tom Segura?

  Yeah, sure. I love having someone. This is like a real thing that I, I don't think people talk about enough is how many people don't have somebody. It really is a, a huge number of people, you know, that are out there that going through life and they go, like, if you talk to people, you'll realize you meet people who are like, oh, I haven't had, some people are like, I haven't had a relationship in 13 years.

• 39:09Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 39:10Tom Segura?

  It's, you know, they just kind of like settle into that.

• 39:12Speaker 06

  I remember I argued with an ex-girlfriend years ago. I was like 22 and I still remember she's like, you're going to die alone. And I was like, wow. And then 25 years later, I still hear that sometimes. I'm like, wow, that really affected. I mean, she was probably always a dick and I was a bad boyfriend. But like, I think that's one of the things I was like, I don't want to die alone. Like, you want to just be with somebody who you enjoy.

• 39:31Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 39:32Speaker 06

  And my wife and I, for all the faults or whatever, or the times we argue, if I can't make it work with her, I have no shot at ever being married.

• 39:40Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, that's what I was gonna ask you. What were the, what were, who were you dating before her? I don't want to limit, had you dated men? Had you dated women?

• 39:49Speaker 06

  Never, I never dated men. Like, the idea of like, hugging a man and going, hey, how you doing, baby? It's just as repulsive to me as it is to any other guy watching this. This, the idea, like, it's a very weird thing and people can't understand it because there's a dick in play. So they're like, well, so you like men? But I'm like, no, it's like, somebody who lives as a man, or presents as a man.

• 40:11Christina Pazsitzky?

  Right.

• 40:12Tom Segura?

  Doesn't do it for you.

• 40:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  You don't like masculinity?

• 40:15Speaker 06

  Hate it.

• 40:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  Around, like, being around that. Okay.

• 40:17Speaker 06

  Yeah. Unless it's a woman being dirty and aggressive, then that's okay. That's more of a masculine attitude.

• 40:22Tom Segura?

  Right.

• 40:23Speaker 06

  But it's kind of hard to explain. There's a lot of people out right now going, this guy's just a homo and he's delusional. And there's other people going, yes, I know exactly what you're saying.

• 40:32Tom Segura?

  Right.

• 40:32Speaker 06

  It's hard to explain.

• 40:33Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 40:34Speaker 06

  But, um, but you can't consider yourself straight. I mean, I'm sorry, if there's a, if you're out there, if you're dating somebody, you're married to somebody, and they have a dick, I don't care what their birth certificate says, if you enjoy that dick, you're not a heterosexual male.

• 40:45Tom Segura?

  You're somewhere in between.

• 40:46Speaker 06

  Yeah. You can't, I don't think you can be hetero. I think common sense.

• 40:49Christina Pazsitzky?

  Would it be like, you, you're sexually gay, but you don't like gayness? Would that be somewhat?

• 40:57Speaker 06

  No, because I do like vaginas too. I don't want to talk you so technically.

• 41:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  Bisexual, then?

• 41:02Speaker 06

  I guess, I mean.

• 41:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  Not to label, because I actually don't like all these labels.

• 41:06Speaker 06

  I know, but some of them are just unpleasant and they're accurate.

• 41:08Tom Segura?

  Do you miss vaginas?

• 41:09Speaker 06

  Oh, yeah. But I, I think that, but, but if she had one,

• 41:12Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 41:13Speaker 06

  I would just be one up. Like, I would miss every one but hers.

• 41:18Speaker 06

  It's not like if I married somebody with a pussy, I would get a bunch of them. It would just be hers and then the rest I would miss.

• 41:24Tom Segura?

  Right, right, right.

• 41:25Speaker 06

  Um, but, you know, yeah, so that's one thing. Of course, I do. I do miss that. But, I mean, I'm greedy and I'm an addict, so I would miss it no matter who I was married to. I would miss everything that I couldn't have.

• 41:37Tom Segura?

  Sure.

• 41:37Speaker 06

  It's kind of normal, right?

• 41:38Tom Segura?

  Yeah, I think so.

• 41:39Speaker 06

  That's just married couple shit.

• 41:40Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 41:40Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah. I think that's very natural.

• 41:42Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 41:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  Maybe you're like the future of human sexuality.

• 41:48Speaker 06

  I don't know. I mean, I don't know if this is gonna catch on.

• 41:52Christina Pazsitzky?

  It might. Well, it might. Look, we have Will Blunderfeld on the show and he encourages straight, straight men to try, quote, gay things. Like, I don't know, is it society that, that tells men? Because women can make out with women. Let's say, and even in the 90s in college, it was totally fine if I wanted to make out with a girl.

• 42:11Tom Segura?

  Will's got a bit of an angle. He's kind of like, you know, he's like, basically, he's like, uh, playing with another guy's balls is the straightest thing you can do. And you're like, wait, what? Like, he's always kind of...

• 42:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  He has an agenda.

• 42:23Tom Segura?

  Yeah, he's got a bit of an agenda, which is to let him touch your dick.

• 42:27Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, that's true.

• 42:27Speaker 06

  Men being men.

• 42:30Tom Segura?

  Yeah, he's, yeah. And it's, and it's disguised under this, like, this is what warriors did. Like, he's always like, the Spartans did this, and the Samurai would lick each other's nipples.

• 42:40Christina Pazsitzky?

  Maybe they did.

• 42:40Tom Segura?

  Yeah, yeah. And then you're like, listening to it, like, really? He's like, yeah. So do you want to do it? And you're like, I mean...

• 42:46Speaker 06

  A dear friend of mine, Jose Menendez, used to say the same thing.

• 42:52Speaker 06

  He would say that this is what the warriors, but, you know, so the warriors were doing gay shit. I mean, that's okay. But we don't have to, like, everybody's trying to rename it and make it okay. Like, it is what it is. Like, and progressives have just fucking gone berserk. Like, stop telling yourself that if you're a guy and there's a dick in your face, you're a heterosexual male. It's crazy. It's almost like that's the 1940s angle of the only proper answer is heterosexual. So we have to maze and shoehorn the language to get you back to what is proper, which is heterosexual. It's, just say you're not heterosexual. It's fine.

• 43:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  It is fine, especially now.

• 43:24Tom Segura?

  I think also what you're pointing out is that there, I mean, you're kind of the living proof that there really is a scale of, on this. You know what I mean? It's like a fluid kind of thing. It's not just black and white.

• 43:35Speaker 06

  Right.

• 43:35Tom Segura?

  Because your own sexuality is kind of in the gray area, right?

• 43:39Speaker 06

  Kind of, yeah. I think I've always been that way, as a kid. Always not sure exactly what I wanted. Again, a lot of it is greed, yeah.

• 43:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  How small, like, what was, what's your earliest memories of being this way?

• 43:50Speaker 06

  I was probably five. I remember I used to, uh, yeah, I, I have a picture of myself and I can date it. It was from seventy-three and, uh, I used to have like little oral sex with my friends. But this one kid I was scared of and I used to blow him, uh, but I think I kinda liked it or I would, you know what I mean? Like when I look back on, it's like my therapist is like, you're a and I'm like, eh, I don't know. I maybe I was scared, but I did kinda like it.

• 44:14Tom Segura?

  You guys were around the same age though?

• 44:15Speaker 06

  He was my age, maybe nine months older, within a year older. It wasn't like he was forty-one.

• 44:22Tom Segura?

  If you're like, no, but he was my friend.

• 44:23Speaker 06

  He taught me to fish.

• 44:24Christina Pazsitzky?

  Was that the first penis you'd ever touched?

• 44:27Speaker 06

  I think so.

• 44:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  This friend at five, yeah.

• 44:29Speaker 06

  Yes, but I have a photo of myself, like when I fell and I split my head open. So I, I, and I know I was already doing it by then. So, and there's a date on the picture. So I know I was aged five.

• 44:39Tom Segura?

  Yeah. Wow. That's young, man.

• 44:40Speaker 06

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was, I was off to the, I was a, I was a, I was a trooper.

• 44:44Tom Segura?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 44:46Speaker 06

  Yeah. It was very active as a kid. It was very, uh, but I talked about that a lot and like, you know, we would, we would play that, the monster rain game and you know, it's just one of those things.

• 44:55Christina Pazsitzky?

  Which game?

• 44:56Speaker 06

  My, I, it was, uh, we would, one of us would yell like monster rain and we would hide under the porch and then we would blow each other under the porch, but the monster rain.

• 45:04Tom Segura?

  This was one of your specials?

• 45:05Speaker 06

  It was, it was called, it was called monster rain. Yeah, yeah. It's a true story. Uh, but yeah, we would, we would, uh,

• 45:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, right.

• 45:11Speaker 06

  Yeah. That's where I came from.

• 45:12Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 45:13Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 45:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's amazing.

• 45:14Speaker 06

  But you don't have to mine for material when it's just that. Like when it's there, it's like, I don't have to go out and find an angle on fuck, I Trump select or try, or this is how, it's like, but you also start to feed on it too much. Like you have to talk about other stuff too.

• 45:27Tom Segura?

  Yes.

• 45:27Speaker 06

  Cause otherwise I'm, I'm, I'm just literally, it's like you're, you're carving away at something and there's nothing left anymore.

• 45:33Tom Segura?

  Yeah, there's a balance. I mean, I think also in like, you know, in kinda scoping out an hour, like I think about hours a lot now of, of, you know, if you have like that type of material, you want it to be like fifteen.

• 45:47Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 45:47Tom Segura?

  Probably max fifteen of that.

• 45:50Speaker 06

  Yes.

• 45:50Tom Segura?

  So you don't want an hour on blowing and coming.

• 45:53Speaker 06

  No, not at all.

• 45:54Tom Segura?

  So it's like, like you gotta kinda like shape. I mean, we're always trying to shape like in the hour that I'm out with right now. Now, I have done, if it's four fifteen minute chunks, I've done them in every order.

• 46:05Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 46:05Tom Segura?

  You know what I mean? And trying to figure out what order is best. And I feel like, currently, I feel like I've figured out the order to do them in. Because you don't, because sometimes I go like, oh, that chunk at the end, doesn't feel I should end with that. I feel like I gotta move it up. And you're always just trying to like, make it move around. But I try to balance it between, okay, stuff I'm talking about from my life, general observational stuff, you know, etc. Like, having some balance to it all, so that it's not just one note.

• 46:31Speaker 06

  Yeah, and, and it's interesting to do it like a different order. Sometimes I'll do that, like, I, I do a Wednesday show in New York at the Fat Black Pussy Cat, where I just run the hour and I work on it, you know, you just go through it. And sometimes I'll, you know, you start with the closer and then work your way backwards and go, is the opening strong enough to close? Sometimes it's not. Sometimes it's like, nah, the build is kind of what made that better. But yeah, it's ballsy to do that, like when you're on the road in front of a lot of people.

• 46:53Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 46:54Speaker 06

  Switching that fifteen minutes.

• 46:55Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 46:55Speaker 06

  You know?

• 46:56Tom Segura?

  Well, sometimes it ends and you're like, yeah, I shouldn't have done that.

• 47:01Speaker 06

  Yeah, that was a bad move. I should have done that in front of fifty people on a workout night.

• 47:06Speaker 06

  Instead of, uh, I'm back on tour now, like, I, I had taken time off. I'm not with the radio show anymore. So it's like, it's weird.

• 47:13Tom Segura?

  With you and Sam.

• 47:13Speaker 06

  Yeah, that's, I was at Sirius for twenty years.

• 47:16Tom Segura?

  Wow.

• 47:17Speaker 06

  Yeah, it was a lot of talking and, um, we just couldn't, you know, they just didn't want to pay it. And I, I knew it was coming. Like, you know what I mean? Like, you see it and it's like, whatever. Um, it's a little scary because it's the first time you, you're like, without that comfortable thing to go to where everything is set up, you just walk in and talk.

• 47:34Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 47:35Speaker 06

  But like, I feel good that I didn't blow it up either. Like, you know, in life, we sabotage things.

• 47:39Tom Segura?

  Absolutely. Especially comedians, so many comedians.

• 47:41Speaker 06

  Yeah, fuck that, they're fucking, like, and I've learned so many lessons from watching other people implode.

• 47:48Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 47:48Speaker 06

  And watching other people just blow up their life, that I'm like, have confidence, but don't be stupid and think that things won't continue. I mean, ACDC went on after Bon Scott died. I mean, I mean, radio shows will continue whether or not I'm a part of them.

• 48:01Tom Segura?

  Right.

• 48:02Speaker 06

  So you have to be realistic.

• 48:03Tom Segura?

  Well, that's very, I mean, that's a super mature approach to this thing, you know what I mean? From you, I'm saying, to like, I'm not gonna. I'm gonna blow this up. I'm gonna keep doing it until if somebody doesn't want to do it. But now you're making the, the, the kind of the transition, right? To, to the podcast.

• 48:19Speaker 06

  Yeah, thirty years in, I mean, I really should be executed for my, we were there at the beginning. And I just, I couldn't. I had a contract and I wasn't allowed to do any other audio.

• 48:30Tom Segura?

  That's part of the stuff, yeah.

• 48:31Speaker 06

  Yeah, but back then I probably could have snuck it in. Back in two thousand nine or ten, I probably could have fucking.

• 48:36Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 48:37Speaker 06

  But I would have ruined my life. Like, I know that I would have done something, I said something on the podcast that like today, I would be like, why the fuck did I say that in two thousand eleven? I didn't know it was gonna come back to haunt me.

• 48:47Tom Segura?

  We all have.

• 48:48Speaker 06

  I guess so, right?

• 48:49Tom Segura?

  We all have. It's just a matter of they haven't found them all yet.

• 48:52Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 48:52Tom Segura?

  That's really what it is. If somebody wants to, to write the code to search all the audio of things we've said, it could be very destructive.

• 49:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  But also, Tommy, well, yeah, of course.

• 49:03Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 49:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  But don't you find too that like, if you've never claimed to be righteous?

• 49:10Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 49:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  What the fuck are they gonna take us down on? Like, nobody, we never claimed to be in the right about any fucking thing.

• 49:15Tom Segura?

  At this point, they couldn't, like, they can't take this away. They could just take something else I'm doing away, basically. And they can't take touring away.

• 49:24Christina Pazsitzky?

  No.

• 49:24Tom Segura?

  So they, they, they can't take like the two main things in my career away.

• 49:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  Thank God for that.

• 49:29Tom Segura?

  They could just be like, oh, you can't be on this TV show anymore. Okay.

• 49:33Speaker 06

  I think that's changed a lot too, or it's starting to.

• 49:35Tom Segura?

  It is starting to.

• 49:36Speaker 06

  People are like, ah, enough already with.

• 49:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  Enough.

• 49:39Speaker 06

  And especially like, again, because of so many of the old radio shows are online.

• 49:43Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 49:44Speaker 06

  I mean, there's hours of offensive shit. It's the whole show.

• 49:49Christina Pazsitzky?

  No.

• 49:49Speaker 06

  It was twenty-five hours a week at one point. It was Monday through Friday, six to eleven. We were doing five hours a day.

• 49:55Christina Pazsitzky?

  So funny, Tim.

• 49:56Speaker 06

  I mean, it's, I mean, there's a lot of offensive stuff.

• 49:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  But that, that, I love that time of radio, cause I would go between you guys and Stern. And that was such a good time of just like, there was that window before this cancel culture started, where shit was actually really hard and funny.

• 50:13Speaker 06

  They would fuck you back then too, though. Like, they, they tried to get us with Homeless Charlie. When that homeless guy came in and he was really just a funny, like a naturally funny human being. And he was brutal. And he was just talking about Laura Bush and he was talking about the Queen of England and having sex. And like, but, but in a way that would, would be very, very unpleasant for them.

• 50:33Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 50:34Speaker 06

  And.

• 50:37Speaker 06

  And we were, we got kicked off a satellite for a month.

• 50:42Christina Pazsitzky?

  What?

• 50:42Speaker 06

  Suspended for a month. And the only thing that saved us, yeah, Bill was in that day. The only thing that saved us was that we were actually on K-Rock. And like, since it didn't happen on their airwaves, they kept the show. But that was the one time, like, I hated terrestrial. We were doing kind of double duty. And that actually saved us from

• 50:59Tom Segura?

  Really?

• 50:59Speaker 06

  Our lives being our job. We had gotten fired once already, so I mean,

• 51:03Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, I remember that.

• 51:04Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 51:04Tom Segura?

  Yeah, that era was all about like, like, you guys and Stern people. It was either like fines and suspensions and firings. Like, it was a regular thing.

• 51:13Speaker 06

  Well, Janet Jackson fucked everything without intending to. Because after she, that nipple slip, I think Bush was president. It was 2003 and the fines went tenfold. So it went like from 35,000 per occurrence to 350,000 per occurrence.

• 51:28Tom Segura?

  That's a big jump.

• 51:29Speaker 06

  And if you did it on 10 stations, it was, you're fined on each station. So I think that that's when everybody just was like, we can't do this. They cracked down and then it just started to get shitty. And again, that kind of eventually gave the birth to podcasts where people just couldn't hear it on the radio anymore. And podcasts, you could do whatever the fuck you wanted.

• 51:46Tom Segura?

  So are you enjoying the podcasting?

• 51:48Speaker 06

  I'm only, I mean, I've done, I'm only, I do one with my wife, which we've been doing for a while. But this one of just me and a guest, I like a lot. I've only done a few episodes. We got like eight episodes taped, but I love it.

• 52:00Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 52:00Speaker 06

  It's so much fun.

• 52:01Tom Segura?

  And total freedom, like total freedom.

• 52:03Speaker 06

  Total freedom and it's an hour.

• 52:06Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 52:07Speaker 06

  And you're in your house. And I, and I didn't think I would like it in the house, but it's like, I can have somebody whenever I want. Like, whenever you want to do it, you just do it. It's great.

• 52:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's the best, dude.

• 52:15Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 52:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  No notes, nobody telling you what you can and you can't fucking say.

• 52:19Speaker 06

  No, and nobody else to, nobody else to have to, no matter how much you like your radio partner, there's always two different thought processes going into it.

• 52:29Tom Segura?

  Yes.

• 52:29Speaker 06

  Two different senses of humor. Um, and I just, I would just wanna say what I wanna say and I want the pace to be what I want the pace to be.

• 52:36Tom Segura?

  Exactly. Yeah. You dictate it. I mean.

• 52:38Speaker 06

  They dictate it. Yeah.

• 52:39Tom Segura?

  That's kind of fun. Like, I remember the whole rea- one of the reasons I even wanted to do a podcast was I went on another guy's podcast. And I was just like, oh, I wouldn't, I, I wouldn't do it this way. You know what I mean? I started to like, it bothered me. I'm like, why wouldn't you ask that guy that question?

• 52:54Speaker 06

  Right.

• 52:55Tom Segura?

  He was like, I don't know. So that was just like, same kind of thing of you're like, oh, I'd rather do it the way I wanna do it.

• 53:00Speaker 06

  Yeah, you want the control over it. I'm enjoying, I, I, the fact that it's, we were gonna get a studio, but they were closed for the holidays. Like, this whole thing happened really fast.

• 53:08Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 53:08Speaker 06

  So I was just like, I've learned from watching other people lose radio jobs. I'm like, don't fucking languish. Don't just sit there like a lump of shit hoping and being bitter. Shut up. Start doing something else. So at least you're, you know?

• 53:21Tom Segura?

  Yes.

• 53:21Speaker 06

  You're focused on something else.

• 53:23Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 53:23Speaker 06

  Um, you can't just sit there and feel sorry for yourself. Nobody wants to, nobody cares. Nobody's gonna feel sorry for me.

• 53:29Tom Segura?

  Well, that's like life that taught you not to just sit around. Cause like maybe 25 year old version of you would, would do that or something, you know?

• 53:36Speaker 06

  Getting fired in 2002 changed my life. Like that, that changed everything for me. You see that it can happen. They can take everything from you. You also know that you're going to be okay. I remember I was with Bobby Kelly. We lived in the same building. And I lived on the 22nd floor and I'm like, I was saying to myself, like, I should just jump out the window. Like, I finally have fans and now the whole thing is gone. My life sucks. Just fucking kill yourself. Yeah, it was stupid, but then Tough Crowd came along. So there's always something else.

• 54:01Tom Segura?

  There's always something.

• 54:02Speaker 06

  Always something else. Although now it's just me. So I don't have Colin's fucking coattails to get dragged behind or O N A to come back. So we'll see how it goes.

• 54:09Tom Segura?

  Oh, man. That, your crew, like your core group is like, I think amongst comedians is one of the favorites to admire and look up. You know what I mean? Like, people love hearing about you, Colin, Patrice, Rich, like as a group. You guys seem to have like the, one of the coolest classes of people.

• 54:29Speaker 06

  It was fun. I, I still see Colin and Keith all the time. Like, it'll be.

• 54:33Tom Segura?

  Oh, yeah, Keith too.

• 54:33Speaker 06

  Keith Robinson, who's actually just as funny. Like, it's crazy. He had a stroke and Keith is amazing. And I hate, I would never say this to him. But he's amazing because he never. Never feel sorry for himself.

• 54:42Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 54:43Speaker 06

  Like, it's fucking crazy. He never complains about having to walk up and down the steps at the Cellar. A lot of times I'll see him walking from the parking garage to the club. And he's just, you know, he can only walk very, very slow and never feel sorry for himself. It's, it's really in- inspiring and it's exactly the opposite of how I would handle it.

• 55:02Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 55:03Speaker 06

  You know what I mean? I would be milking it and bitching. And, uh, he just did a brilliant hour on Netflix. Like, it's really inspiring to see him. Um, and he's still funny, which is crazy.

• 55:13Tom Segura?

  That's incredible.

• 55:14Speaker 06

  And Patrice, every, every, these dumb fans, it's always a matter of what, especially with my, my marriage. What if Patrice was alive? What would he say? And I think that he would love the fact that, that his name is being used to torture all of us.

• 55:26Tom Segura?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 55:27Speaker 06

  He would love the fact that all of a sudden he's this gold standard of life and we're just these fucking shit plebes.

• 55:32Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 55:32Speaker 06

  Living in his shadow.

• 55:35Speaker 06

  He would really enjoy that.

• 55:36Tom Segura?

  Yeah, he is just, he, his name is brought up constantly for all this. Yeah.

• 55:40Speaker 06

  I like it though. I love that people see him that way, like.

• 55:43Tom Segura?

  Yeah, the memory's alive.

• 55:44Speaker 06

  It's nice. Yeah. And it, it's like, I wish he would have gotten to see it. But I'm, I'm happy for him that like, he, he's not forgotten. Like Otto, Otto's not forgotten, but I wish Otto was talked about more, Otto and George.

• 55:58Tom Segura?

  Otto and George, yeah.

• 55:58Speaker 06

  Yeah. I mean, one of the funniest people to ever live.

• 56:00Tom Segura?

  I remember getting those tapes. We had like Otto and George, like tapes.

• 56:03Speaker 06

  Oh, yeah.

• 56:04Tom Segura?

  Yeah. It was crazy. Like passed around.

• 56:06Speaker 06

  He was so great and I, I, I just wish that more people talked about him, but I'm happy for Patrice. You know what I mean? Like, when you see one friend getting so many accolades, you're happy and then you're like, I wish he got a little bit more.

• 56:17Tom Segura?

  And Greg.

• 56:18Speaker 06

  And Geraldo. I love Geraldo.

• 56:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, I loved him.

• 56:21Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 56:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  God, I memorized his stuff.

• 56:23Speaker 06

  Yeah, he was such a good comic.

• 56:25Christina Pazsitzky?

  Funny.

• 56:25Tom Segura?

  So good.

• 56:26Speaker 06

  His son does comedy.

• 56:27Christina Pazsitzky?

  No.

• 56:28Speaker 06

  His son, yeah, yeah, yeah. I think he's Greg Jr. Um, and, and, and he's a good looking kid and, uh, yeah, he's following his dad's footsteps. Uh, and I just think how happy Greg would be to, to see him doing that.

• 56:40Tom Segura?

  He's in the city doing it?

• 56:41Speaker 06

  He is, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He was working at the Cellar as a waiter and now he's out just kind of like, uh, uh, just hustling like, like every other young comic. It's great to see.

• 56:49Tom Segura?

  That's crazy.

• 56:50Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's awesome.

• 56:51Speaker 06

  Yeah. Geraldo was a funny dude. I mean, he was a.

• 56:53Christina Pazsitzky?

  And so bright, too.

• 56:55Speaker 06

  Yeah, he was in Harvard. He went to Harvard.

• 56:57Christina Pazsitzky?

  Christ.

• 56:57Speaker 06

  Isn't it crazy how many comics like went to law school?

• 57:00Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 57:00Speaker 06

  Went to Harvard, all this stuff.

• 57:01Tom Segura?

  And then there's me.

• 57:02Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 57:03Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 57:03Speaker 06

  How far did you get? I dropped out of high school.

• 57:05Tom Segura?

  Well, I got like, I went to college and everyone goes like, huh? What co-? Cause I went to Lenore Ryan College?

• 57:11Speaker 06

  I don't know.

• 57:12Tom Segura?

  Yeah. And then they're like, is that a real school? I'm like, yeah, I mean, I was, I was a terrible high school student. I got through college all right, but um, yeah, I don't think I could have used a degree less. You know, I mean, communications major, it's nonsense.

• 57:25Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 57:27Tom Segura?

  Yeah. Fucking, it was just four years of fucking around. It's not, yeah.

• 57:31Speaker 06

  Do you, do you feel attached to those years to either like, when you look back at like your high school and like they'll like, because obviously they both want you both to go to your reunions because you're who you are. Do you go or do you like?

• 57:41Christina Pazsitzky?

  No.

• 57:42Speaker 06

  No.

• 57:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  Dead fuck.

• 57:43Tom Segura?

  No, I don't go to any of that. I mean, the only, the funny thing is sometimes I'll think about college and the only thing I go is like, oh yeah, it really is the relationships. In other words, like the friend, like college connected me to some people.

• 57:57Speaker 06

  Right.

• 57:58Tom Segura?

  That are meaningful to me, right? Like certain friends. As far as like, I couldn't tell you about a class or a goddamn single thing I learned. Nothing.

• 58:06Christina Pazsitzky?

  Wow.

• 58:07Tom Segura?

  It's just like.

• 58:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  Terrible.

• 58:08Tom Segura?

  Huh?

• 58:09Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's sad.

• 58:09Tom Segura?

  Oh, yeah, I mean, that's just, I don't.

• 58:11Christina Pazsitzky?

  Dude, I had a philosophy professor that changed my life. This guy was fucking dying. Back it up. He had built his own log cabin before he was a philosophy professor. He was a professional or what semi-professional boxer. He had lived this incredible life, um, became a philosophy professor, had an affair with his student, ended up marrying her, making a kid. The kid ended up going to the college. Like this guy led such a great life and then he was dying of cancer. And then he taught existentialism through his treatment and dying of cancer, which was so fucking crazy and surreal to actively be dying and to teach young kids about life and death at the same time. The guy changed my life forever.

• 58:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  You know, like the open your mind and his penis was delicious.

• 58:59Christina Pazsitzky?

  I know, I know that's where you were going with that. I did not have a crack on it.

• 59:02Tom Segura?

  Definitely not going there with it.

• 59:03Christina Pazsitzky?

  But he changed my life. He opened up my brain.

• 59:05Tom Segura?

  I'll tell you my most fond memory. This is how you know that I was a like, like a comedian in a class is that in, in communications, there's different tracks you can take. And I took TV, radio production and there was a class on advertising. And what I still remember. Is our professor teaching us about like ad copy and like how you have to, you know, how the process goes and how it can, like, there's a, there's a template you use for an ad. This is like in print advertising and how it could go sideways. And he's like, and he cited this example and he brought up the image on the screen

• 59:44Tom Segura?

  of a newspaper, I think in North Carolina, that was advertising for a sporting goods store. And the ad said, wear these skis and you'll ski like a

• 59:55Speaker 06

  Oh.

• 59:56Tom Segura?

  And, and I laughed so hard and nobody else laughed. And I was just like, oh, no. And he was like, he was like, that is so inappropriate and so awful. And I'm sure you can find it, by the way, you could probably find this thing on, uh, somewhere in, online.

• 1:00:17Tom Segura?

  Yeah, this, and so this was like the, the example that he gave. And I was like, uh, yeah, yeah, you'll ski like a

• 1:00:25Speaker 06

  Oh.

• 1:00:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's rad.

• 1:00:27Tom Segura?

  That was in, it appeared in the Observer or something.

• 1:00:30Speaker 06

  I mean, that's so funny.

• 1:00:31Tom Segura?

  It's so funny.

• 1:00:32Speaker 06

  Who does not laugh at that?

• 1:00:33Tom Segura?

  I mean, this guy did not and half the, I mean, my, the, if you go back one, if you quote that.

• 1:00:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's amazing.

• 1:00:39Tom Segura?

  And you put images, I bet you it comes up.

• 1:00:44Tom Segura?

  Right there, probably, see where it says 79.97?

• 1:00:47Speaker 06

  Wow.

• 1:00:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's, that's it? It's just a drawing? Oh, man, they should have really, I thought they'd go harder on the image.

• 1:00:53Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:00:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  You'll ski like a

• 1:00:55Speaker 06

  Oh, come on. That's fucking, who would not laugh at that?

• 1:00:59Tom Segura?

  And this guy was like showing us on the board and being like, you know, I'm laughing. He's like, why would you laugh at this? I'm like, because you ski like a

• 1:01:07Speaker 06

  Oh.

• 1:01:08Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:01:09Speaker 06

  And because it made it through.

• 1:01:10Tom Segura?

  It made it, yeah, of course, it made it. It's, what it is, it's like, it's just being a little rascal, right?

• 1:01:15Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:01:16Tom Segura?

  It's like, it's very rascally.

• 1:01:17Speaker 06

  It is very rascally.

• 1:01:18Tom Segura?

  It's like a little kid getting away with like, haha, I wrote fuck on the wall.

• 1:01:21Speaker 06

  When someone puts porn in like, in like some type of presentation and porn, I don't care where it is. It's always funny.

• 1:01:28Tom Segura?

  It's always funny.

• 1:01:29Speaker 06

  Who doesn't enjoy that?

• 1:01:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  I know.

• 1:01:31Speaker 06

  We're dirty, like just something inappropriate and

• 1:01:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  Always.

• 1:01:36Tom Segura?

  Inappropriate is my, that's like, everyone has their button.

• 1:01:40Speaker 06

  Yep.

• 1:01:40Tom Segura?

  For laughing. Anything inappropriate, like the, the person cursing.

• 1:01:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:01:45Tom Segura?

  At the, at the gala, you know what I mean? Like the, the juxtaposition of like, you shouldn't do this here. I will always bust out laughing in tears. That's what I, I think that's my.

• 1:01:53Christina Pazsitzky?

  Even like vandalism, like you put a dick on a billboard and I'm gonna giggle every fucking.

• 1:01:59Speaker 06

  Absolutely, especially if it's a woman.

• 1:02:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's so good.

• 1:02:03Speaker 06

  Ah, my gal.

• 1:02:05Tom Segura?

  Oh yeah, vandalism is like.

• 1:02:07Christina Pazsitzky?

  Vandalism is when it's funny, or even, I don't know if you did this growing up, when you'd make a googly eye. Uh, you, you erase around the eyeball of somebody in the black and white book, you know, it's on like a, a picture.

• 1:02:19Tom Segura?

  Right.

• 1:02:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  And then you make the eye big and googly. Like even that, I'll, I'll show you what I mean.

• 1:02:23Speaker 06

  No, but that's a, I, I, I'm pissed I missed that one.

• 1:02:27Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, that's a good one.

• 1:02:27Speaker 06

  And that dick is great.

• 1:02:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's a good dick.

• 1:02:29Speaker 06

  Some guy said, I, I, I forget who it was that did this interview, he's a prisoner. And he said that one of the things that prisoners would do, which were assholes, is like you read, they, they, he got a book, it was a mystery. And somebody had gotten the book first and went back and the guy who actually does it, they circled his name every time it appeared in the book.

• 1:02:49Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's amazing.

• 1:02:51Speaker 06

  I mean, so it just wrecks it. I mean, I wish, I would have thought to do that.

• 1:02:55Tom Segura?

  This reminds me, I always think about Brendan Walsh when this stuff comes up. You know Brendan Walsh?

• 1:03:01Christina Pazsitzky?

  He's such a rascal.

• 1:03:01Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:03:02Tom Segura?

  Such a rascal.

• 1:03:03Christina Pazsitzky?

  So funny.

• 1:03:03Tom Segura?

  He, he's just like, this is him.

• 1:03:05Speaker 06

  Oh yeah.

• 1:03:06Tom Segura?

  This fucking lunatic has, he always has done these, these like pranks. But they're like for himself sometimes too. Like he got, he, he was in some Zoom. Um, it was for like, I don't know, it was like, that's the thing, is it just for him during the pandemic, you know, everybody was Zooming. And it was like, I forget what the topic was, people were discussing, I don't know if it was like public health or something. And he would, he got in on these and there'd be like six strangers talking about this, this topic. It could have been book reviews or something. And he found somebody. You would find people like on Craigslist to join the Zoom. He'd give them a hundred dollars to be just sitting there like a guy.

• 1:03:49Tom Segura?

  And, uh, and then at one point he would just tell them to stand up naked. People would just stand up and their dick and balls would come across. Everyone would be like, whoa, and then he would be like, what's going on? Like he set it up. He set it up. Or he also did that, um, that billboard in Silver Lake.

• 1:04:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, my God.

• 1:04:09Tom Segura?

  Where it was, um, a T-Mobile billboard. And it had, it had huge, you know, images of cell phones with texts in it. So it was like, and it was like, sign up for our new plan. Yeah, like one of these. And he went up there and did that to it.

• 1:04:31Tom Segura?

  Your father passed away. Oh, my God, what?

• 1:04:35Tom Segura?

  He did that, dude.

• 1:04:36Speaker 06

  That's funny.

• 1:04:37Tom Segura?

  That's amazing.

• 1:04:38Speaker 06

  That's really funny.

• 1:04:40Tom Segura?

  So you're driving and you're like, what the fuck is that? Your dad died?

• 1:04:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  But see, this would make me like Samsung a lot.

• 1:04:49Tom Segura?

  I know.

• 1:04:49Christina Pazsitzky?

  I'd buy that.

• 1:04:51Tom Segura?

  I'm gonna get a Galaxy.

• 1:04:52Speaker 06

  That's, that's really funny.

• 1:04:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  Remember when he covered, so there is a gay bar in Silver Lake called MJ's right by our house?

• 1:04:59Tom Segura?

  Oh, my God.

• 1:05:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  And didn't he, he made a banner?

• 1:05:02Tom Segura?

  Dude, this was, well, they were, they were close, they closed. So the first thing was this neighborhood gay bar. Gay, yeah, it was a gay bar.

• 1:05:12Christina Pazsitzky?

  In Silver Lake.

• 1:05:12Tom Segura?

  In Silver Lake, which is like the east side.

• 1:05:14Speaker 06

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:05:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's like a staple.

• 1:05:16Speaker 06

  Near Los Feliz, right?

• 1:05:17Tom Segura?

  Yeah, near Los Feliz. And the bar was closing and so, you know, like the local community was like, oh, I can't believe it's, you know, it's closing. So he went there, had a, like a big banner made, hung it up, and then set up a website so that it would, they would be connected. And this is a, this is the most liberal kind of, you know, very tree huggy kind of area of LA. And he, the, the sign said, coming soon, Silver Lake Gun Club.

• 1:05:52Tom Segura?

  And dude, here's a thing. He put the website, which was like HTML built and it had an eagle just like going like this. And, and he put up a phone number that people could leave. And he goes, he's like, yeah, I just, I just listened to people leave. They're like, we do not want this in our neighborhood. And then sometimes he said he would answer when they would call and he'd be like, Silver Lake Gun Club. And they're like, what are you doing? He's like, I'm just, this is America, man. I can do what I want and like hang up on them. Just let, listen to them get fired up. This is all for his own amusement.

• 1:06:25Speaker 06

  That is so funny.

• 1:06:26Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:06:26Speaker 06

  There's really funny people out there. Like when you hear about a guy like this, you're like, what a fucking, sorry Silver Lake Gun Club is, Silver Lake is not getting a gunshot.

• 1:06:35Tom Segura?

  That's him. Is the website still live? If you went to the website?

• 1:06:40Speaker 06

  No, it's not, unfortunately.

• 1:06:41Tom Segura?

  Oh, it's not? God damn.

• 1:06:43Speaker 06

  That's really funny.

• 1:06:45Tom Segura?

  Yeah, there's people like him though, you're saying, right?

• 1:06:46Speaker 06

  I'm not creative like that. Like I, I wish I was. My humor works different than that.

• 1:06:50Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:06:51Speaker 06

  But I wish I had the ability to do that. Like that's such a, like that, that, that and that T-Mobile thing. I mean, that made me laugh out loud. Like that's really funny.

• 1:06:59Tom Segura?

  Really. I know it's kind of like when, you know, sometimes you're, you're around, you know, like guys who are just comedy writers only.

• 1:07:06Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:07:07Tom Segura?

  And some of the shit that they just come up with as an idea for like a scene or something, you're like, wow. That is like, it's, they have just a gift.

• 1:07:16Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:07:17Tom Segura?

  For that type of creativity, right?

• 1:07:19Speaker 06

  Are you good at that? I'm, I'm not good at that. I'm not good at like conceptualizing like the, the bigger picture, the scene. Like for me, it just comes in like little spurts and little aggressive actions and then I'm kind of done.

• 1:07:30Tom Segura?

  I mean, I like doing that kind of stuff and I think I'm okay at it, but I definitely think there's people that are far better.

• 1:07:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  You're great at like sketches. You, you're really good at that. Like coming up with a funny scenario. I think you're really good at that.

• 1:07:41Tom Segura?

  I mean, I'm okay, I think I'm okay. I think what happens is once you put yourself in a room with the people who are really good at it, you're like, oh, Jesus Christ.

• 1:07:48Christina Pazsitzky?

  You know what I'm always jealous of are like the Twitter, the Twitter people. Colin Quinn's great at Twitter.

• 1:07:54Tom Segura?

  The great tweets?

• 1:07:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, or just.

• 1:07:56Tom Segura?

  What was Colin's thing again?

• 1:07:57Christina Pazsitzky?

  God, he's so funny.

• 1:07:58Speaker 06

  Colin, he was just such an ass and then nothing bothers him and he'd always say, hey, fans. And it's just so infuriating and he just doesn't care, but he really doesn't care. So it works because it's legit. Like he's just being ridiculous. He doesn't care. He's not trying to make any big points.

• 1:08:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, and it always makes me laugh.

• 1:08:17Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:08:18Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh God.

• 1:08:19Tom Segura?

  Oh yeah, the conflict between Arabs and Israelis is not just about land, but in my opinion, there's a religious aspect that can't be ignored.

• 1:08:30Speaker 06

  Just the amount of people that will go, we fucking talking about it? They just don't understand that he's just being an idiot.

• 1:08:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  Hey girls, if you want to look more appealing to me, forget the push up bras and push up the sides of your mouth. A smile is the new tits. Exclamation mark.

• 1:08:48Tom Segura?

  Yeah, this is amazing. I'm not a racist who believes in white privilege, but I do believe very strongly in white power.

• 1:08:59Speaker 06

  I think he's probably right, him or Attell, and you hate saying those guys because they're like, of all, of course, everyone says them. It's like saying Richard Pryor or Chappelle, but I think Colin is probably my favorite guy to watch because every year it's a new hour, it's about something.

• 1:09:15Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:09:16Speaker 06

  And it's really like, he's never, I remember I was on stage one time at the Cellar doing something, it was just whatever, I was just going from A to Z quickly, and he just walked through and he went, "Nice writing lazy." And he was right. I was fucking, I'm lazy. He never is lazy with his writing. It's always, it's never the easy road. He doesn't do the audience's emotional work. I just, he's just great. He's the best guy.

• 1:09:40Tom Segura?

  Yeah, he has stand, and then, yeah, and then you like learn on his hours and shit too.

• 1:09:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yo, that's another, yeah.

• 1:09:46Speaker 06

  Which is kind of annoying. That, that kind of annoys me. Yeah. I don't like that he actually, you'll see a clip and you're like, wow, I really didn't know that. That's what he wants me to say.

• 1:09:55Tom Segura?

  I hate him.

• 1:09:55Speaker 06

  I do too. But the material is great. Like, he's able to take these dry subjects. Like, the Constitution is not a funny thing.

• 1:10:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, and he makes it that way.

• 1:10:04Speaker 06

  No, red state, blue state, those are not funny subjects, but he makes them hilarious.

• 1:10:09Tom Segura?

  I remember with Dave too, I always tell this, but like, when I had worked with him, this is like, close to 20 years ago, and I had, he was like really complimentary and I was like, you know, just starting kind of, I was like, this is fucking amazing. And then I saw him like a year later and I did a set and I did one of those jokes from the year before.

• 1:10:33Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:10:34Tom Segura?

  And he was like, you're still doing that, huh? And I go, what? He goes, you're not writing? And I goes, he's like, it's 20 minutes, you can't, you don't have a new 20 minutes? And I was like, uh, he goes, well, you want to be like an actor or something? And I was like, and I was only a few years then, you know, it was like so cutting, but it was the same kind of thing where I was like, oh, I'm being lazy, like I haven't.

• 1:10:56Speaker 06

  Yeah, he's telling you something, he's fucking with you.

• 1:10:59Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:10:59Speaker 06

  But he's also such a great, like, no matter what he says, you know, it's coming from a place of a guy who's brilliant. And I hate saying that because the word is thrown around too much.

• 1:11:08Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:11:08Speaker 06

  But I mean, he really is fucking, his mind, Jezz and like has an ability to do that too, like where, where, like with, with Dave, you never see the punchline coming. Again, I have no idea where it's, you know, we write jokes, so you kind of know the fucking A B, you never see it coming and it annoys me. And Jezz and like, even though he's got kind of like a cadence and a pace.

• 1:11:27Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:11:27Speaker 06

  And you have an idea of where it might be, 90% of the time, I still don't see.

• 1:11:32Tom Segura?

  Yeah, you predict, you're like, this is gonna be fucked up.

• 1:11:35Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:11:35Tom Segura?

  Or like, and you try to guess which fucked up it'll be.

• 1:11:38Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:11:39Tom Segura?

  But you don't always know.

• 1:11:40Speaker 06

  That's how I know I like, that's how I think somebody is good. I was calling again, I never see it coming. When I don't see it coming, I'm like, fuck.

• 1:11:46Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:11:46Speaker 06

  Yeah, it's also, I can't watch guys, I don't want to watch guys who I wish I was doing what they're doing.

• 1:11:51Tom Segura?

  I know, I know, same.

• 1:11:52Speaker 06

  That guy's better.

• 1:11:53Tom Segura?

  Yeah, it's upsetting.

• 1:11:54Speaker 06

  Do you get those, those like weird petty, like I don't say jealousies, but those weird like, fuck, he's great and I'm just never gonna be that.

• 1:12:00Tom Segura?

  Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, for sure, man. I mean, and then, and I think the, my maturity is in that, in accepting it. Like in the times when I go, well, how about he's just great? You know what I mean? It's like, it's like when you play sports.

• 1:12:14Speaker 06

  Right.

• 1:12:14Tom Segura?

  You're like, fuck, and someone's real, and then one day you just go, yeah, he's just the best guy on the team. Like, he's, that's just what it is.

• 1:12:21Speaker 06

  Right. At what point do we let go of, I'm gonna, because there's always that weird dream of being the best and being the one, at what point? Do we say like, yeah, I'm good at what I do, but I'm not, I'm not going to be that guy. And like, when does that happen?

• 1:12:34Tom Segura?

  I mean, I, I don't, I feel like I'm kind of, I've, I feel pretty much in that where I go, you know, I'm really lucky. I'm really happy that I get to work and I have a fan base. And you go, yeah, there's just days where you go like, you know what? I'm pretty proficient at what I do and some people really like it.

• 1:12:52Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:12:52Tom Segura?

  And then you go, when people talk about like the best, the best. You, you go, it's these people. And I guess like depending, like, I don't want to act like it's the same every day. But I think there's a point where you just go, yeah, that's who they talk about. They talk about those guys.

• 1:13:07Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:13:08Tom Segura?

  That's fine.

• 1:13:09Speaker 06

  Yeah, I'm okay with it too. I just don't know when it happened.

• 1:13:11Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:13:12Speaker 06

  Like, I don't know what the period was where you like, you, you kind of slide into accepting that and going, yeah, I'll be, always be good at what I do. And it's great and people, some people like it and some people think it stinks.

• 1:13:21Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:13:22Speaker 06

  And that's fine.

• 1:13:22Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:13:23Speaker 06

  But that group, I'm not in that group.

• 1:13:25Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:13:25Speaker 06

  And I don't know when I came to accept that.

• 1:13:27Tom Segura?

  Yeah, I know. I think it's a, I, I feel like it's kind of just this process. Because another year goes by and you're like, yeah, I'm not in that group.

• 1:13:34Speaker 06

  Are you on lists? I never wind up on lists. Never.

• 1:13:38Tom Segura?

  I'm never on lists.

• 1:13:39Christina Pazsitzky?

  But see, some of that, a lot of that is like the machine too of publicists and, and what also who's publishing that? It's usually one team of peeps.

• 1:13:48Tom Segura?

  It's not that that's a lot of it. It's what, it's all of it.

• 1:13:51Christina Pazsitzky?

  It is what it is. It's bullshit.

• 1:13:52Tom Segura?

  Those are, I mean, like, it's not even to diminish those people who are super accomplished.

• 1:13:57Speaker 06

  Sure.

• 1:13:57Tom Segura?

  But lists are PR machines.

• 1:13:59Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:14:00Tom Segura?

  That's what, that's what that is. A lot of times this, people on a list, a lot of times all have the same PR person.

• 1:14:06Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:14:07Tom Segura?

  And sometimes they're plugged into this thing and, you know, it's almost like, I think the longer you do it too. When you start reading like reviews of a special and somebody's like, you'll remember where you were. When you saw this, you're like, hmm, this doesn't, this isn't really accurate. You know, it's, this is just one person's feeling. It's just like if, if I wrote it, it's just my feeling. So, but yeah, on a top 10 list, I'm never on a list.

• 1:14:32Speaker 06

  A top 10, I mean, I'm talking top 100, I just.

• 1:14:36Tom Segura?

  Oh, stop.

• 1:14:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  There he is. Oh, both of you are on the same list.

• 1:14:41Tom Segura?

  Okay.

• 1:14:42Christina Pazsitzky?

  You guys both are on the same list.

• 1:14:43Tom Segura?

  Well, some lists are amazing.

• 1:14:44Speaker 06

  Segura and Norton, five, oh, and Netflix you need to watch.

• 1:14:48Christina Pazsitzky?

  There you go. You guys were on the same list in the same year, 2014.

• 1:14:51Speaker 06

  Did your producers make this up before?

• 1:14:53Tom Segura?

  Yeah, it's on fucking, it's on writersbone.com.

• 1:14:57Speaker 06

  Thank you, writers both.

• 1:14:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  You got it.

• 1:14:59Speaker 06

  I know, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's never, there's never times.

• 1:15:02Tom Segura?

  It's also from 2014, Jim.

• 1:15:04Speaker 06

  Oh, right. Well, I'm just seeing it.

• 1:15:06Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:15:06Speaker 06

  I feel refreshed.

• 1:15:07Christina Pazsitzky?

  Don't you feel better now?

• 1:15:08Speaker 06

  New sense of confidence.

• 1:15:09Tom Segura?

  Yeah, this is pretty great. Can you find any more lists? Like, good ones, though?

• 1:15:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, Jesus.

• 1:15:16Tom Segura?

  Seventy-nine comedians to chat.

• 1:15:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, such.

• 1:15:18Tom Segura?

  We have to be on that, right? Are we on? Okay.

• 1:15:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, you made it.

• 1:15:24Tom Segura?

  Has a master of fanbase, cool.

• 1:15:27Christina Pazsitzky?

  What year is this?

• 1:15:28Tom Segura?

  This is probably old.

• 1:15:29Speaker 06

  This is probably Nick Swartson.

• 1:15:31Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, this is old.

• 1:15:33Speaker 06

  Yeah, this has gotta be, I'm gonna guess this is 2015. This is not a new list. Although Mulaney's on it, so maybe it's not that old.

• 1:15:40Tom Segura?

  What year is that from? Twenty twenty?

• 1:15:43Speaker 06

  Twenty twenty.

• 1:15:45Tom Segura?

  No, he's like the, uh, he's like the prototype when they go, this is how you should, this is a comedian.

• 1:15:51Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:15:51Tom Segura?

  I think, yeah.

• 1:15:52Speaker 06

  He's handsome.

• 1:15:52Tom Segura?

  He's handsome, great writer.

• 1:15:54Speaker 06

  Funny, yeah.

• 1:15:55Tom Segura?

  Very clever guy.

• 1:15:55Speaker 06

  And a good performer. It's always different.

• 1:15:58Tom Segura?

  Yep.

• 1:15:58Speaker 06

  Yeah, you look at him, you're like, yeah, I get why he's really successful.

• 1:16:01Christina Pazsitzky?

  But here's the thing, Jim Norton, is that if I wanna hear about giving a five-year-old kid a blowjob, I want it from you. You're the only guy that can tell that story.

• 1:16:15Speaker 06

  Well, when I was five, let's just clarify, not like now.

• 1:16:18Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, but...

• 1:16:20Speaker 06

  How'd he get fired from driving a bus?

• 1:16:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, exactly, yeah, sorry, when you were five. But I mean, do you know what I mean? Like, John Mulaney can't do that. I don't want him to do that.

• 1:16:31Speaker 06

  I know.

• 1:16:32Christina Pazsitzky?

  I don't want him to blow five-year-olds, you know what I mean?

• 1:16:34Tom Segura?

  It's also my favorite to add to that. It's my favorite type of...

• 1:16:39Christina Pazsitzky?

  You guys know what I'm fucking saying, you schmucks.

• 1:16:44Christina Pazsitzky?

  God, you guys are so immature, grow up.

• 1:16:46Tom Segura?

  To make it real clear, Jim is not talking about blowing kids now.

• 1:16:49Speaker 06

  No, not now, I was also five.

• 1:16:51Tom Segura?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:16:52Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:16:55Christina Pazsitzky?

  I'm trying to give him a compliment.

• 1:16:58Tom Segura?

  Thank you.

• 1:16:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  Jerks. The point is, I like, but I like the deep weirdos and I've always liked them.

• 1:17:03Tom Segura?

  I always liked the darker stuff.

• 1:17:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  And I'm not gonna like, I don't like the stuff everyone else likes. You know what I mean? I think it's more valuable.

• 1:17:10Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:17:11Christina Pazsitzky?

  That you're a bit of a dark horse, a weirdo. I like that.

• 1:17:14Speaker 06

  If, if you're hitting something in people, or if they relate to something that they don't want to admit or talk about, it always feels good. Cause that's what makes me laugh. Like, and again, it's the stupidest thing. Oh, I was thinking that and I didn't want to say it. But when you hear a comic hit something like that, that it still makes me feel

• 1:17:29Tom Segura?

  Yes.

• 1:17:29Speaker 06

  Something.

• 1:17:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:17:30Speaker 06

  I mean, that's what politics is. Somebody says something that I feel in my guts, and the guys who are really good at being political are guys who know how to hit that thing that's in your gut and make it look like that's the way everyone else should feel. So.

• 1:17:42Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, that's true.

• 1:17:43Speaker 06

  You know, it, it kind of works. And the guy who can work the room the best is usually the guy who, who wins.

• 1:17:48Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:17:49Speaker 06

  The guy who can tap into that.

• 1:17:50Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:17:51Christina Pazsitzky?

  True story.

• 1:17:51Tom Segura?

  I like, I, I've always, it's like the same reason, like, I don't watch PG movies. I like watching rated R movies. Like, that's what I, and I, I like watching rated R comedians. Like, that's my favorite thing to watch.

• 1:18:04Speaker 06

  Yeah, well, this is Bad News Bears, and then I like the new one better. The new one was much better.

• 1:18:08Tom Segura?

  Sure.

• 1:18:08Speaker 06

  But yeah, I, I don't like PG movies either. I just feel like, nah, they're gonna censor something out that I wanna see.

• 1:18:14Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:18:15Speaker 06

  Uh, it's almost like in Smokey and the Bandit, which is such a great fucking hilarious movie. There's a line where Jackie Gleason is, like, he, he sees the cop in the thing and he goes, "Next time, wear a badge on your dyedey." And it was covering the word dick. But they, they, it's so bad. It's such a bad after-dub. Um, but you could see his mouth. He goes, "Next time, wear your badge on your dick," which would have been a really funny line.

• 1:18:41Tom Segura?

  Really funny.

• 1:18:41Speaker 06

  But they, I think, dyedey.

• 1:18:43Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:18:44Speaker 06

  Like, your di- your diaper, whatever that is. It was such a bad dub.

• 1:18:47Tom Segura?

  He's amazing in that.

• 1:18:49Christina Pazsitzky?

  He's so funny.

• 1:18:49Speaker 06

  I don't think I've ever seen a funnier performance by anybody anywhere than him. He's the funniest fat guy ever. Like, again, Belushi was great, John Candy was great, Chris Farley's great, but in that realm of, like, larger-than-life fat guys.

• 1:19:02Tom Segura?

  Yes.

• 1:19:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:19:03Speaker 06

  Nobody was funnier. Gleason, nobody.

• 1:19:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  So funny, especially in this movie.

• 1:19:07Tom Segura?

  Oh, my God. Well, also, I used to watch, I used to watch as a kid, I would watch the, um, the newlyweds, right? What was it called? What was the show that he was on from like the fucking?

• 1:19:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:19:17Speaker 06

  The honeymooners.

• 1:19:18Tom Segura?

  Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I used to watch that as a kid all the time. He's a, he's like a, it's like a clinic in.

• 1:19:24Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:19:24Tom Segura?

  Funny, natural acting.

• 1:19:27Speaker 06

  And they said he wouldn't rehearse and he would just kind of like, ah, like they said if he was rubbing his stomach, it meant he was trying to like remember a line, like he was just one of those guys that was just great in the moment. And the rest of them would want to rehearse. Um, I think Joyce Randolph is the only one that got residuals out of that. Trixie.

• 1:19:43Tom Segura?

  Really?

• 1:19:43Speaker 06

  Yeah, I think her brother was a lawyer or her brother in law was a lawyer. And she signed something for like, whatever she signed, but she wound up getting money over the years.

• 1:19:52Christina Pazsitzky?

  Thank God.

• 1:19:53Speaker 06

  And the rest of them did not.

• 1:19:54Tom Segura?

  Holy shit.

• 1:19:55Speaker 06

  Because back then it was live.

• 1:19:56Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:19:56Speaker 06

  And done. And no one thought it would be anything else.

• 1:19:59Christina Pazsitzky?

  Right, because syndication didn't exist until I Love Lucy, I think.

• 1:20:03Tom Segura?

  Oh, you got it, dude.

• 1:20:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:20:05Tom Segura?

  Audrey Meadows was the only cast member of The Honey Mousse received residual payments for the show throughout her life.

• 1:20:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh.

• 1:20:10Tom Segura?

  This was due to a clause in her contract, which was the result of her manager's.

• 1:20:14Speaker 06

  Oh, see, I got a rookie. I thought it was, I thought it was Joyce Randolph. It was Audrey Meadows. Okay, it was one of them.

• 1:20:18Tom Segura?

  Bro, that's amazing.

• 1:20:19Speaker 06

  Yeah, she was really funny too. She was like the first feminist on TV, like she always won. She was always right. She was always smarter than her fucking husband and she brutalized him.

• 1:20:28Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:20:29Speaker 06

  I mean, some of the lines were just, they were just, just really, really monstrously funny.

• 1:20:35Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:20:35Speaker 06

  Things she got to say.

• 1:20:36Tom Segura?

  That's so.

• 1:20:37Speaker 06

  It's the best show ever.

• 1:20:38Tom Segura?

  It's incredible show.

• 1:20:38Speaker 06

  They couldn't touch sex.

• 1:20:40Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:20:40Speaker 06

  They couldn't touch divorce, they, you know, nothing that you could kind of, they had such a limited.

• 1:20:46Tom Segura?

  Yeah, boundaries where they could work in.

• 1:20:48Speaker 06

  Corridor, yeah, your boundaries and they were just, you ever see the original Alice? Just doesn't work.

• 1:20:53Tom Segura?

  No.

• 1:20:54Speaker 06

  There's like an original Alice and, uh, I think she played a maid on later episodes, but they, a couple of them, I think, I think her and Trixie were the second ones.

• 1:21:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  Hmm.

• 1:21:02Speaker 06

  Great show.

• 1:21:03Tom Segura?

  Amazing.

• 1:21:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, I've never seen an episode, and I have to watch.

• 1:21:06Speaker 06

  You've never watched The Honey Mousse?

• 1:21:07Christina Pazsitzky?

  To the Moon, Alice, like I know, I've seen takeouts wherever.

• 1:21:10Speaker 06

  Wow.

• 1:21:11Christina Pazsitzky?

  I've never watched a full episode, no.

• 1:21:13Speaker 06

  There's only thirty nine of the classic, like there's other ones that were shot for like, I think, whatever, Cavalcade of Stars, whatever show was. But the thirty nine, like, the guts of the series episode, the big ones, um, wow, you've never seen them?

• 1:21:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  No.

• 1:21:29Speaker 06

  That's amazing.

• 1:21:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, I was watching Mr. Ed growing up.

• 1:21:31Speaker 06

  Mr. Ed was good.

• 1:21:33Tom Segura?

  This is great.

• 1:21:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  And the Jeffersons, but that's not black and white.

• 1:21:37Speaker 06

  Sherman Hemsley, I got to know him a little bit.

• 1:21:40Christina Pazsitzky?

  You did?

• 1:21:40Speaker 06

  Yeah, not well, but he would come around, he was doing stand up. And he would do, me and Voss hung out with him. And he's probably at that time, that was the most famous person I'd ever been around because every homeless people, everyone recognized George Jefferson. But he went on at Caroline's and he, it was, he was like a kind of a half sold room. And he walked onto the Jeffersons theme song and he just did like, you know, 35, 40 minutes of stand up and I think he brought people on, but it was, it was nice to get to know him.

• 1:22:10Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:22:11Speaker 06

  You know.

• 1:22:12Tom Segura?

  Nice guy, sweet guy.

• 1:22:13Speaker 06

  Very nice guy, yeah, yeah, yeah. He kept in touch for a while and then he died.

• 1:22:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, man.

• 1:22:18Speaker 06

  Yeah, that ended that.

• 1:22:19Tom Segura?

  Let me, can I ask you to throw the cans on for just one segment here? So, because I always, I think you're the perfect person to do this with.

• 1:22:27Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, great.

• 1:22:28Tom Segura?

  Is there, can you hear well? I know you have.

• 1:22:30Speaker 06

  Yes, all good.

• 1:22:31Tom Segura?

  So we'll show you these videos.

• 1:22:33Speaker 06

  Sure.

• 1:22:33Tom Segura?

  Just a few clips and you just, you just tell me whether you think it's horrible or hilarious.

• 1:22:39Speaker 06

  Okay.

• 1:22:40Tom Segura?

  So, we just like to play these for people.

• 1:22:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  Fuck. Oh, he laughed though, yeah.

• 1:22:49Speaker 06

  It's both. It's horrible and it's hilarious.

• 1:22:52Tom Segura?

  It's both. It is both. Just one more time, here we go.

• 1:22:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  I could see myself doing this though.

• 1:22:55Tom Segura?

  Oh, yeah, we can all, I mean.

• 1:22:57Christina Pazsitzky?

  He just slid, oh dude, right on the kneecap.

• 1:23:01Tom Segura?

  Because you get confident sometimes around a pool, you're like, I'm gonna have fun now, I'm gonna let, I'm a kid again. And then, yeah, you forget that you can break everything.

• 1:23:08Speaker 06

  And pool disasters are, like when someone jumps off a roof, you're so vulnerable because it's all concrete. And you smash your knees.

• 1:23:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, dude.

• 1:23:18Speaker 06

  Yeah, pool disasters are terrible.

• 1:23:20Tom Segura?

  Concrete, steel, and yeah, and then, or a shallow end, it's all, it's, it can all go sideways for you.

• 1:23:27Speaker 06

  Yeah, you can wind up in a wheelchair easily.

• 1:23:29Tom Segura?

  Oh, yeah, this is pretty reckless. These guys are kind of assholes, man.

• 1:23:32Speaker 06

  Yes.

• 1:23:33Tom Segura?

  Like people are standing around and this is.

• 1:23:39Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, that's not cool.

• 1:23:40Tom Segura?

  She's fucked up.

• 1:23:41Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:23:41Tom Segura?

  She's super fucked up.

• 1:23:43Speaker 06

  She is, yeah.

• 1:23:43Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:23:44Speaker 06

  But it's hard not to laugh because you know something's about to happen.

• 1:23:46Tom Segura?

  Yeah, you do. And he's, and those guys are going, you know, that's definitely more than 30 miles an hour.

• 1:23:51Speaker 06

  That's a dick move, yeah.

• 1:23:52Tom Segura?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:23:53Speaker 06

  That's a dick move. But again, I see the humor in it. Watching somebody get flattened is always funny.

• 1:23:58Tom Segura?

  It's always funny, yeah.

• 1:24:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  Is this how congested it is when you sled?

• 1:24:03Tom Segura?

  No, this is crazy. And, and they're real crazy because like you could have cleared it, you know what I mean? You could have found a path. No, it's not normally like this.

• 1:24:12Speaker 06

  They just wanted to zip through people. They wanted people as their obstacles.

• 1:24:15Tom Segura?

  Yes.

• 1:24:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, dicks. Well, then fuck you. Oh, I don't like this one.

• 1:24:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, fuck it.

• 1:24:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  Okay, I like this one.

• 1:24:28Tom Segura?

  And that's not, I've seen really bad ones. That wasn't bad at all.

• 1:24:31Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, it was a silly one.

• 1:24:32Speaker 06

  Looks like the bar, it almost looks like what you would consider a girl's bike. Like the boys bikes would have the bars where your nuts could smash. Do they have that bar or is that bar low like in a girl's bike? Because it doesn't look like his balls get crunched too badly.

• 1:24:43Tom Segura?

  That's right. And also, this is where you can tell that there's gonna be a, a real problem is right when he's about to, yeah.

• 1:24:51Speaker 06

  He's reaching for it.

• 1:24:53Tom Segura?

  Yeah, you're like, oh, that's gonna be bad. Let's see. Oh, the bar. No, it doesn't look like a standard bar, right?

• 1:24:59Speaker 06

  Right. It looks like, like if that bar had been there right now, his balls would be smashed. But it looks like it's not there.

• 1:25:05Tom Segura?

  It's almost like it was like an e-bike maybe because it's such a

• 1:25:07Christina Pazsitzky?

  Or like a beach cruiser. This isn't like a dirt bike, is it?

• 1:25:11Tom Segura?

  No.

• 1:25:12Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's different. He's, he's using the wrong bike.

• 1:25:15Speaker 06

  He is, yeah. But he got lucky there. Saved his balls.

• 1:25:17Tom Segura?

  Saved his balls. All right, this one.

• 1:25:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  His teeth are gone, but his balls.

• 1:25:21Tom Segura?

  This is my final one. Here, here you go.

• 1:25:31Tom Segura?

  Oh my god.

• 1:25:32Christina Pazsitzky?

  Did he lose his shoes?

• 1:25:34Tom Segura?

  Well, I mean, he lost his face. He slid on his fucking face.

• 1:25:38Speaker 06

  Oh, that one got me.

• 1:25:39Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:25:40Speaker 06

  That one got me. Oh. Poor fat idiot. Having fun trying to like prove that he's still got it.

• 1:25:49Tom Segura?

  Yeah, he's still got it with his buddy. These are two, they're two dicks and khakis.

• 1:25:55Speaker 06

  Wearing the same outfit, by the way.

• 1:25:56Tom Segura?

  They're wearing the same outfit, these fucking morons.

• 1:25:59Speaker 06

  Oh no.

• 1:26:00Tom Segura?

  Clearly been drinking. Look at the stumble starts there. That's where he starts to go wrong.

• 1:26:04Speaker 06

  He's two blocks back and he's falling.

• 1:26:06Tom Segura?

  He hasn't run in.

• 1:26:07Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, he's not wearing shoes. That's the problem.

• 1:26:10Speaker 06

  Cause he probably had on dress shoes.

• 1:26:11Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:26:12Speaker 06

  And his friend goes, you want to race like in the old days?

• 1:26:14Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:26:14Speaker 06

  And he's like, let me take my shoes off. Oh, is that fantastic?

• 1:26:18Christina Pazsitzky?

  His skin just came off his face.

• 1:26:19Tom Segura?

  I so wish we had the after shot of just like missing face.

• 1:26:24Speaker 06

  Do you ever see shots of that, like motorcycle accidents? I, I've seen like a lot of videos of people who like have these awful motorcycle accidents and the fucking piece of their, half their face is gone.

• 1:26:34Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:26:35Speaker 06

  I can't get on a motorcycle.

• 1:26:36Christina Pazsitzky?

  No way.

• 1:26:37Tom Segura?

  I just saw a video of a tiger attacking a guy. Have you seen this?

• 1:26:43Speaker 06

  Was it in a cage in India?

• 1:26:45Tom Segura?

  Uh, yeah, I think, I think it's in some type of like, it, it looks like it's um, like there's no reason for a person to be there and other people to be outside of it.

• 1:26:53Speaker 06

  Right.

• 1:26:54Tom Segura?

  So it must be like at a zoo or something. But anyways, he doesn't die and the aftermath is insane.

• 1:27:02Speaker 06

  I don't know if I saw, how long did it last?

• 1:27:04Tom Segura?

  Huh?

• 1:27:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  That sounds really nice.

• 1:27:05Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:27:06Christina Pazsitzky?

  Did you wash that on the toilet this morning?

• 1:27:08Tom Segura?

  I washed it last week.

• 1:27:11Tom Segura?

  I don't know how long the attack, so what happens is it starts with the, there's tigers around this dude and then somebody shoots, like they're trying to like make the tigers run. And the tigers scatter, but then one comes back and starts gnawing on the guy and clawing on him. And then it just goes to the hospital footage and these wounds are just, I have it on my, I'll show it to you.

• 1:27:30Speaker 06

  Yeah, I'd love to see it. This is different. The one I'm thinking of was in a zoo or something and he had jumped into like the tiger cage and the tiger was just walking around with him, dragging him by the head and people were throwing things. It's crazy how when an animal like that is eating someone, uh, intervention doesn't matter to it.

• 1:27:48Christina Pazsitzky?

  You're fucked. You're just dead.

• 1:27:49Speaker 06

  You're doomed. He's not afraid of people hitting him. He's not. intimidated by like

• 1:27:53Tom Segura?

  a lot of big cats too even in the wild they like to play with their prey before they eat it so sometimes people are like oh that's cute like it's playing with that gazelle and you're like no it's gonna eat it in a little bit here he's having fun right now

• 1:28:08Speaker 06

  it's net I there was one video it was from an African safari and it was like it was a uh it was either a gazelle or what it was one of those a buffalo stuck in the mud like up to the show and the lions are just eating it alive and then they bite its asshole out

• 1:28:26Tom Segura?

  yeah

• 1:28:26Speaker 06

  uh because I guess that's sweet but they went for its asshole and they bit his asshole out while he was alive nature is very unpleasant

• 1:28:33Tom Segura?

  yeah and then intestines fall out and they're like this is delicious yeah well they like to eat the soft tissue first so that's why they'll eat organs like that first so they'll eat like intestines and because they're like oh these are it's easier to eat and then they're like alright now we'll work through the tougher stuff

• 1:28:48Speaker 06

  yeah and and the buffalo is just standing there just

• 1:28:51Tom Segura?

  ah

• 1:28:52Speaker 06

  embarrassing

• 1:28:52Tom Segura?

  noises and you're like god

• 1:28:55Speaker 06

  but you can never tell that's the the same noise they make when they're hungry is the same noise they make when their asshole's been eaten out by a fucking predator you have no idea what they're very hard to read

• 1:29:04Tom Segura?

  that's very hard to read um alright the new podcast is called jim norton can't save you there's episodes out now uh you're gonna have guests um that you choose to to have on whatever you want and you also have another podcast with nicky

• 1:29:19Speaker 06

  called sword fight and um you know we've just been doing what we have uh we have guests come on and we most of them are comics

• 1:29:25Tom Segura?

  yeah

• 1:29:26Speaker 06

  and I just wanted to do something with it because she makes me laugh

• 1:29:28Tom Segura?

  that's awesome

• 1:29:28Speaker 06

  and yeah we do it once a week and I love it

• 1:29:30Tom Segura?

  um thank you for coming in

• 1:29:32Speaker 06

  oh you guys are great thank you

• 1:29:33Tom Segura?

  we really appreciate it alright we'll see you guys next week bye

• 1:30:02Tom Segura?

  yes of course my god I wish I could Tommy would you marry your dad oh yeah

• 1:30:09Christina Pazsitzky?

  Of course I would do it. Christina, would you marry your son? Oh my god. Yeah. Yeah.

• 1:30:17Tom Segura?

  Would you marry your dad?

• 1:30:18Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, of course. I live for this kind of shit. Yeah.

• 1:30:22Tom Segura?

  Just like, just like

• 1:30:24Christina Pazsitzky?

  Just like the gays.

• 1:30:25Tom Segura?

  Just like, just like

• 1:30:27Christina Pazsitzky?

  Just like the gays.

• 1:30:28Tom Segura?

  Just like, just like

• 1:30:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  Just like the gays.

• 1:30:31Tom Segura?

  Just like, just Just like the gays.

• 1:30:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  Would you marry your mom? No. Come on. I think I'd marry my dad. Okay. Christina? Yeah? Would you marry your mom? Hmm, I don't know. Please. No.

• 1:30:46Tom Segura?

  Would you marry your dad?

• 1:30:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah. Of course. Yeah, for sure. Yes. Mm-hmm. Yeah. I really would. Really would.

• 1:30:52Tom Segura?

  Just like, just

• 1:30:53Christina Pazsitzky?

  Tommy.

• 1:30:54Tom Segura?

  Like the gays. Tommy. Like, just

• 1:30:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  Tommy.

• 1:30:57Tom Segura?

  Like the gays. Tommy. Like, just

• 1:30:59Christina Pazsitzky?

  Tommy.

• 1:30:59Tom Segura?

  Like the gays. Tommy. Like, just Would you marry your dad?