Conspiracy Chaos w/ Sam Tripoli | Your Mom's House Ep. 792

SPONSORS: Don’t miss out on all the action this week at DraftKings! Download the DraftKings app today! Sign-up using https://dkng.co/mom or through my promo code MOM. Head to https://www.squarespace.com/MOM to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain using code MOM. Get 10% off your first order on top of the already lowest prices by going to https://LiveGood.com/ymh. Tom and Christine are back and open the show with a very creative criminal, before paying tribute to OG cool guy, Hard Rock Nick, who was recently shuffled from this mortal coil. Christina P also unveils another drawing of Tom inspired by his now infamous choke. Next, Tommy continues the fan powered campaign to convince Charo to start an OnlyFans account and plays some fan submissions we've already received. There's also a Fancy Chef update, Tina tells a petting zoo story, and the main mommies have a new game to play with drive-thru workers. Tom and Christina are then joined by comedian and tin foil hat enthusiast, Sam Tripoli! The three talk about parental stuff, before deep diving into some fun conspiracy talk. They discuss, the drones over New Jersey, the mass surveillance in everyday life, the CIA, Tom Hanks, and more. They also talk about insane Japanese game shows, Mr. Hands, and the harmful effects of going viral. Christina also presents an interesting "would you rather?" question and they sprinkle in some solid horrible or hilarious clips for good measure. Try it out! Your Mom’s House Ep. 792 https://tomsegura.com/tour https://christinap.com/ https://store.ymhstudios.com https://www.reddit.com/r/yourmomshousepodcast GAMBLING PROBLEM? CALL 1-800-GAMBLER, (800) 327-5050 or visit gamblinghelplinema.org (MA). Call 877-8-HOPENY/text HOPENY (467369) (NY). Please Gamble Responsibly. 888-789-7777/visit ccpg.org (CT) or visit www.mdgamblinghelp.org (MD). 21+ and present in most states. (18+ DC/KY/NH/WY). Void in ONT/OR/NH. Eligibility restrictions apply. On behalf of Boot Hill Casino & Resort (KS). 1 per new customer. Min. $5 deposit. Min. $5 bet. Max. $200 issued as non-withdrawable Bonus Bets that expire in 7 days (168 hours). Stake removed from payout. Terms: dkng.co/dk-offer-terms. Ends 2/9/25 at 11:59 PM ET. Sponsored by DK. Chapter Markers 00:00:00 - Intro 00:02:34 - Opening Clip: Treat Me Like A Black Man 00:07:10 - Rest In Peace Hard Rock Nick 00:14:26 - Christina's Latest Creation 00:17:49 - The Mommies Want A Charo OF 00:22:22 - Clip: Russian Fart Streamer 00:22:52 - Fancy Chef Update 00:31:12 - Clip: Drive-Thru Prank 00:35:33 - Petting Zoo Story 00:40:14 - Clip: White Big Word 00:48:04 - Dad Stuff With Sam Tripoli 00:53:45 - New Jersey Drones & Surveillance States 01:02:41 - Clip: All Terrain Accident 01:03:13 - Spiritual Conspiracies & Tom Hanks 01:10:50 - Clip: Wind Knocked Outta Ya 01:11:42 - Crazy Japanese Game Shows 01:14:17 - Clip: Splits Machine 01:14:43 - Mr. Hands 01:22:45 - Clip: BMX Hard Landing 01:23:55 - Showing Sam The Opening Clip 01:26:28 - Would You Rather? 01:32:20 - Clip: Loving Couple 01:33:53 - Closing Song - "The Big Words" by Kurtis Caramel Carbon Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:11Tom Segura?

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• 0:53Tom Segura?

  stock up and take advantage of what is arguably the best time of the year to be a cigar guy. Use code YMH at checkout for 20% off your orders of $50 or more, or visit cigarsinternational.com/ymh and the discount applies automatically. Some exclusions apply. What's everybody? It's another episode of Your Mom's House. She's Christine, I'm Tim, and we're excited to share so much with you today. It's a really action-packed episode. There's so much. It is now January of 25, which is such an unusual thing to say.

• 1:31Christina Pazsitzky?

  I know, I didn't think I'd be alive this long.

• 1:33Tom Segura?

  We should have had hoverboards in 2015.

• 1:36Christina Pazsitzky?

  Everything's so disappointing.

• 1:37Tom Segura?

  Flying cars.

• 1:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  When I was a little girl, I thought about the year 2000. Didn't it just blow your mind? And now you're like, oh, that's it.

• 1:42Tom Segura?

  It's 2025.

• 1:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  Is that all there is?

• 1:44Tom Segura?

  What the fuck? There's just electric cars?

• 1:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, these are pretty cool.

• 1:49Tom Segura?

  Phones are cool.

• 1:50Christina Pazsitzky?

  The phones, they crush. And then you can get a chip in your head and stuff. You want to do that?

• 1:53Tom Segura?

  Yeah, I want to do that.

• 1:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  What are you going to get it for?

• 1:55Tom Segura?

  I don't know.

• 1:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  Like, it'd be cool to turn on your car with just your brain thoughts?

• 2:00Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 2:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  Or the radio? Or like, not even the radio.

• 2:02Tom Segura?

  I remember I used to make fun of Cousin Brian. He was like, there should be a thing where like, if you're listening to something on the radio, you can just like, have your phone and then it would send you a message. And I used to be like, this fucking idiot. And then, first time I saw Shazam, I was like, that's kind of, that's his idea.

• 2:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 2:20Tom Segura?

  He did know how to execute it, but all those things are coming.

• 2:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  He had smart thoughts. What do you want more than anything? What do you want? I want a car. Well, a car does drive itself that Tesla.

• 2:32Tom Segura?

  Definitely flying, flying for me.

• 2:33Christina Pazsitzky?

  Flying car.

• 2:34Tom Segura?

  Flying stuff, anything flying, which you can, you can go fly something, but

• 2:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 2:38Tom Segura?

  It just was more accessible, easier.

• 2:40Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, I know what I want. Transport beams.

• 2:42Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 2:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  Like in Star Trek?

• 2:44Tom Segura?

  Yeah, that'd be essentially the highest version of flying.

• 2:48Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's all I want, is to be able to go somewhere, boom, like that, without getting on a plane.

• 2:53Tom Segura?

  Yeah, you can get a heli-chopter.

• 2:55Christina Pazsitzky?

  I want a heli-chopter. That's how Kobe died.

• 2:57Tom Segura?

  Oh, stop.

• 2:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  That is how Kobe Bryant died. You didn't hear that?

• 3:00Tom Segura?

  No, he's not gone. No, I do, I know, but that was just, that was the arrogance of a pilot. You know, that really wasn't, it's not the heli-chopter's fault.

• 3:12Christina Pazsitzky?

  I blame the heli-chopter.

• 3:13Tom Segura?

  It was the weather and he was just, didn't do what Tower told him to do. It was, yeah. Human error.

• 3:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  I know.

• 3:19Tom Segura?

  That's usually responsible for so much.

• 3:22Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, so much.

• 3:23Tom Segura?

  So much.

• 3:24Christina Pazsitzky?

  Um, I have so, I have something really exciting to share with you that I've been working on for a long time. Yeah, we gotta, we gotta go.

• 3:32Tom Segura?

  We gotta go, man. We gotta go. Here we go. I'll get you started. Here we go.

• 3:40Speaker 02

  From the moment Mark Char was wheeled into court today, what was supposed to be a routine sentencing hearing quickly went off the rails.

• 3:47Speaker 03

  The reason why I'm like this is because I prepared myself to play my part in your kangaroo court. Treating me like a black man, so today I'm gonna be a black man. This kangaroo court is giving me a life sentence for me trying to protect and defend myself against the attack from three guys. In essence, treating me like a black man.

• 4:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, wow.

• 4:10Tom Segura?

  It's pretty awesome.

• 4:12Christina Pazsitzky?

  Phew. Geez, it's heavy.

• 4:16Speaker 04

  Welcome to your mom's house.

• 4:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  That was heavy. Mom, Segura. Tzitzki.

• 4:26Speaker 04

  Welcome to your mom's house.

• 4:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  Cha, cha, cha, cha, cha, cha. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 4:39Christina Pazsitzky?

  Whoa. Can I show you something?

• 5:03Speaker 03

  So today I'm gonna be a black man.

• 5:06Tom Segura?

  This guy...

• 5:10Tom Segura?

  He is wheeled into court, for those of you listening. He appears to be an Asian man, or of Asian descent, maybe Hawaiian. He certainly has the accent. And the reason I say "appears to be" is because he's wearing shoe-polish level, like darkness on his face. He covered himself so darkly that you can't even tell what his features are. Tuesday, he is a Hawaiian man, it says here in the article. He showed up in blackface after he was sentenced for attempted murder. The man said he did so because the court was treating him like a black man. Mark Char of Oahu was sentenced to life in prison with the possibility of parole on Monday for second-degree attempted murder, plus six years to be served concurrently

• 5:53Tom Segura?

  on convictions of second- and third-degree assault. The charges stem from a 2016 road rage attack.

• 6:01Tom Segura?

  Char appeared in the first court in Honolulu on Monday with his head completely covered with what appeared to be permanent black marker ink.

• 6:07Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, that took a long time to do.

• 6:10Tom Segura?

  Yeah, he liked that.

• 6:12Christina Pazsitzky?

  My kid's, one time, Julian, were you there? No, you weren't there. One time Julian found a permanent black marker and just drew on his face.

• 6:21Tom Segura?

  But we knew to keep him indoors for a few days, you know? It was stupid.

• 6:25Christina Pazsitzky?

  You know how hard it is to get off?

• 6:26Tom Segura?

  A spokesperson for the State Department of Public Safety told them on Tuesday that staff members at the Holoa Correctional Facility attempted to convince him to wash his face before he entered the court, but that he refused. He'll be charged with disobeying several direct orders. Trying to see how, okay, so he was convicted in March of stabbing the driver.

• 6:48Christina Pazsitzky?

  What?

• 6:48Tom Segura?

  Another car in August 2016.

• 6:50Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh shit.

• 6:50Tom Segura?

  And assaulting both the driver's passenger and a passerby who tried to break up the confrontation. It's fun when these guys, you know, when they get on mic, they're like, you, I was defending myself. And then you read the.

• 7:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  Right.

• 7:03Tom Segura?

  The stories, like they stabbed the guy, fucking beat up another guy.

• 7:06Christina Pazsitzky?

  He had a knife on him and then he stabbed the other driver.

• 7:09Tom Segura?

  Looks like they say he taunted the victims on the freeway. And having pointed them at them like a gun, according to court documents, then ran his vehicle into the other car. And when the occupants got out, he pepper sprayed them and then stabbed one.

• 7:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  So he had pepper spray and a knife.

• 7:28Tom Segura?

  I was defending myself.

• 7:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  I know.

• 7:30Tom Segura?

  And you guys are treating me like a black man. It's like, okay.

• 7:34Speaker 03

  So today I'm gonna be a black man.

• 7:36Christina Pazsitzky?

  I do have to say that the, the marker is very distracting from anything else he has to say.

• 7:41Tom Segura?

  Yeah, it's a whole thing, man.

• 7:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, how did the judge react? I mean, the judge has to be like, no, you're totally, you belong here for, for double life.

• 7:50Tom Segura?

  What is that?

• 7:50Christina Pazsitzky?

  You're out of your mind.

• 7:51Tom Segura?

  The judge, hmm, doesn't really have anything here on the judge.

• 7:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's terrible.

• 7:59Tom Segura?

  Yeah, I don't know. Yeah. Oh, here's the judge. Y'all, y'all, y'all finished or y'all done? There we go.

• 8:07Christina Pazsitzky?

  Y'all, y'all, y'all finished?

• 8:08Tom Segura?

  He's getting locked away, that's for sure.

• 8:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  Damn.

• 8:11Tom Segura?

  Um, here's really some heartbreaking, breaking news. It is confirmed, it's been confirmed now for a bit. People were curious and we filed a petition. And it can be said that it is absolutely heartbreaking to learn that the late and now, or the great and now late Hard Rock Nick has passed away. Hard Rock Nick, this is a certificate of death.

• 8:36Tom Segura?

  For yous that don't, for yous of you that don't know Hard Rock Nick, um, we, we were on his stuff pretty fucking early.

• 8:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, we search for the marginalized communities, cool guys.

• 8:51Speaker 05

  It's been a while, hasn't it? I decided to make a video since I'm stuck on the 405 on my way to Santa Monica. I think the topic of this video will be something a little more personal. Let's talk about why badass, good-looking, rich guys don't have girlfriends like me.

• 9:11Tom Segura?

  You know, he put out cool shit like that.

• 9:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  And he always had great facial hair.

• 9:17Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 9:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  Great jewelry and he was always telling us how wealthy he is.

• 9:21Speaker 05

  You guys have been complaining that I don't, uh, show my whole head and my face. So when a guy has a nice shaped head like this, he probably has a nice shaped fucking dickhead too.

• 9:32Tom Segura?

  So he was like just always putting out cool messages. He just, you know, he was himself, no shortage of confidence, like you said. Unconfirmed, but self-proclaimed, one of the wealthiest people in the world.

• 9:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, yeah.

• 9:49Tom Segura?

  He was in California when he was doing this stuff. He eventually moved to Florida and he called himself, I believe, the prince of Florida.

• 9:57Tom Segura?

  Again, talked about his multi-billion dollar holdings.

• 10:02Tom Segura?

  And, you know.

• 10:04Speaker 05

  My personal chef does not need the attention and does not want to be in the spotlight. Whether I was having 10 followers or now whatever followers I have is, bruh, does every celebrity put a personal chef on their page?

• 10:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  No.

• 10:21Speaker 05

  Like, why are you all so fixated on that?

• 10:23Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 10:24Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 10:24Speaker 05

  I eat out more than I eat his shit.

• 10:26Tom Segura?

  Yeah, for sure.

• 10:27Speaker 05

  I mean, goddamn, no, my mom's not a personal chef.

• 10:34Speaker 06

  How many people we got in here? Not even 400, man. The artwork, there wasn't $30, but thank you. This is one piece of artwork. I mean, y'all don't want to comment on the fact that I'm sitting in a $1,000 custom movie theater chair and I have five of them.

• 10:50Tom Segura?

  That's 5,000 dollars. Yeah.

• 10:53Christina Pazsitzky?

  His weight seemed to fluctuate.

• 10:55Tom Segura?

  It did quite a bit, because he was pretty big there and then he eventually got like really thin.

• 11:01Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 11:02Tom Segura?

  Um, and

• 11:03Speaker 06

  And I've actually made more of a name here than even Kreischer ever did. And Kreischer makes fun of Florida. Kreischer, I'm popping in Florida, homie. I could do a comedy tour, just like wing it, freestyle, just show up and open mic it and like sell out, homie.

• 11:20Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 11:20Speaker 06

  If I wanted to.

• 11:21Tom Segura?

  If you wanted to.

• 11:22Speaker 06

  I don't need the money.

• 11:23Tom Segura?

  There you go. That's the thing.

• 11:24Christina Pazsitzky?

  He doesn't need the money.

• 11:25Tom Segura?

  God, I wish he would have done that. That would have been fucking amazing.

• 11:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, it would be interesting.

• 11:29Speaker 06

  No, Bird Tom and Christina don't say, hey, homie, they don't like me, bro. If they liked me, they would have brought me on. You brought on Andrew Tate.

• 11:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 11:37Speaker 06

  And how many months later did the FBI and go handcuff him in Romania, right? One day you you will get out of your lane and understand that what you did, I think indirectly caused Andrew Tate's arrest. And I really do connect it back to Segura, who's not a very sophisticated man in his thought process. He's just a comedian, a guy that probably struggled his whole life. He doesn't understand the big picture with his platform, like I do.

• 12:09Tom Segura?

  Like you do.

• 12:10Speaker 06

  Of course, I don't have his followers.

• 12:12Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, but wouldn't wouldn't you argue that Undertake getting arrested from the FBI would be a positive thing?

• 12:18Tom Segura?

  Some people would think that, but you're not that sophisticated either.

• 12:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  You're not sophisticated?

• 12:22Tom Segura?

  You're not sophisticated either.

• 12:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  Sophisticated?

• 12:24Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 12:25Christina Pazsitzky?

  Do we have the soundbite?

• 12:26Tom Segura?

  Well, just one last time, I think it's worth for you, sir. Hard Rock Nick, rest in peace.

• 12:35Tom Segura?

  One of the OG members, man.

• 12:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, he really was one of the early ones.

• 12:39Tom Segura?

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• 14:03Tom Segura?

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• 14:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  Jean, I have built five websites using Squarespace. That's how much I love this platform. It's so intuitive. It's easy to build. I mean, I'm not a, I don't know HTML. I don't know coding, but you don't need it. And what's great is you can sell anything on your Squarespace website.

• 14:52Tom Segura?

  Whatever you want. It doesn't matter whether you're a massage therapist or a photographer, or if you go on jogs and then afterwards you sell your undergarments in packaging that is vacuum sealed.

• 15:01Christina Pazsitzky?

  You could. You can't look gross, sorry. You can choose from a bunch of payment options like Klarna, ACH, Direct, Debit, Apple Pay, and Afterpay.

• 15:11Tom Segura?

  Yes, Squarespace, they just make it easy for all of you, whether you want to do a one-time fee or a subscription for ongoing access. Head to Squarespace.com for a free trial, and when you're ready to launch, go to Squarespace.com/mom to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

• 15:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  Look, I've been waiting on bated breath to share this with you for weeks. This has been weeks of preparation for me. Do you have the original? Can we shoot the original clip of Tom's choke? And do we have Moron from, I know that we just interviewed Armie Hammer?

• 15:47Speaker 06

  Uh, no, we don't have the other choke.

• 15:50Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 15:51Tom Segura?

  I don't know what you're getting into here, Christina, but...

• 15:54Speaker 06

  I don't recall a second choke, actually.

• 15:56Tom Segura?

  Ah.

• 15:57Christina Pazsitzky?

  Wow, you've terrified them all. Anyway, would you like to repeat? Would you show them the original choke, in case people aren't familiar with what happened?

• 16:05Tom Segura?

  The original choke? Sure.

• 16:06Speaker 06

  If you go back a couple of episodes.

• 16:07Tom Segura?

  Yeah, let's see here.

• 16:11Tom Segura?

  Here we go. Hey, guys, I was listening to the Adrienne Appalucci episode. But by the way, she has a great new special out on Netflix. There we go. There's the original.

• 16:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  On Netflix.

• 16:22Tom Segura?

  Yeah. Yeah. And you made it like, the biggest fucking deal, but go ahead.

• 16:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, then you, you know, firing people.

• 16:31Tom Segura?

  Yeah, so what do you have to, what's your thing?

• 16:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  So, anyway, you know, you've just been inspiring me. You're my muse. Not only are you my husband, my lover, but my muse now.

• 16:43Tom Segura?

  Sure.

• 16:44Christina Pazsitzky?

  And I've been working on this piece of art for weeks, weeks. The kids have been in on it, the staff has been in on it. Anyway, this is what I like to call Tom Segura, "The Choke", but in a creative rendition. This is my interpretation of the choke.

• 17:06Christina Pazsitzky?

  What do you think?

• 17:08Tom Segura?

  It's a cat.

• 17:11Tom Segura?

  Coughing up a furball, is that what it is?

• 17:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  Right. You got it. Because she reminded me of a cat coughing up a furball. This cat took a long time. I'll be selling limited prints of these. There's only going to be a finite amount.

• 17:24Tom Segura?

  Hey, guys. I was listening to the Adrian Appalucci episode. But by the way, she has a great new special out on Netflix.

• 17:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  There it is. The choke, Tom Segura, the choke. The first artwork I did of you was a hit. So this will be a second limited edition. I'll be signing all the prints. Go ahead, get them at yma studios.com. You're welcome.

• 17:49Tom Segura?

  Truly disgustingly rude.

• 17:52Christina Pazsitzky?

  I don't know. I think it's pretty good. Look how I like, I get the redness on the top of your head, which is my favorite. And then your dark under eye circles are always fun to color in, you know? Yeah. Anyway, I learned how to draw a cat. It was fun.

• 18:06Tom Segura?

  Why are you this pleased with yourself? By the way, do you know how he did it? Hard Rock Nick? He died, he shot himself.

• 18:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  Okay.

• 18:14Tom Segura?

  At a gun range.

• 18:18Tom Segura?

  Happy New Year.

• 18:20Christina Pazsitzky?

  Meaning, he went to a gun range and it was an ac- it was not an accident.

• 18:24Tom Segura?

  No, it's not. He blew his brains out. Yeah. And then the real thing is going to see like how that massive fortune is going to be distributed now.

• 18:33Christina Pazsitzky?

  Distributed up. And also, I was thinking, is he skinny or fat when he does it?

• 18:37Tom Segura?

  Probably skinny.

• 18:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  I hope so.

• 18:38Tom Segura?

  The last time I saw it, which was not that long ago, he was really skinny.

• 18:42Christina Pazsitzky?

  Thanks for bumming everybody out. Everybody's so excited about my new portrait.

• 18:45Tom Segura?

  No one's excited about the portrait. And yeah, that's, um, but there is something more exciting. Well, there's two things, really. Number one, uh, we saw Charo today.

• 18:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 18:56Tom Segura?

  She's officially been in Austin now for a minute. And so I had, we ran into Duncan Trussell. And I told Duncan, go up to her and be like, hey, I'm excited about your OnlyFans. So Duncan went up to her and said, I'm excited to see your OnlyFans. And she was like, what? And so I reminded her that she needs to get it going. You guys heard our call. And I'm just going to encourage you to please keep sending those in. Do you have any examples of what people have been sending in?

• 19:24Christina Pazsitzky?

  This is the kind of thing we're looking for, just so people understand.

• 19:27Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 19:28Speaker 05

  Hola Charo, mi nombre es Tom y vivo en este infierno helado de Canadá. Escuchar un buen día tuyo caliente el corazón, por favor. Un ete OnlyFans.

• 19:42Tom Segura?

  That was somewhat indecipherable Spanish. He said words that somewhat co together and some were just random. But that's one way to do it. Let's see one with, um, yeah, English.

• 19:57Speaker 06

  Hi Charo.

• 20:01Speaker 06

  My name's Brandon and the one thing missing from my morning is a greeting from you.

• 20:09Tom Segura?

  That was fantastic.

• 20:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  That was great.

• 20:11Tom Segura?

  And again, I told you guys what was gonna happen is we're gonna build a montage of videos like this. And the more, the merrier. I wanted to get to the point where she has to do the math and she goes, Jesus. This is like, we show her a hundred random faces being like, please, Charo, please start the OnlyFans. I can't wait to sign up. I can't wait to send in my $10 a month. She'll start doing the math and then it's just gonna be like, were you just gonna let this slide?

• 20:36Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, that's what I would say. This last one was ideal. I liked his conviction.

• 20:40Tom Segura?

  So sincere.

• 20:41Christina Pazsitzky?

  I liked the sincerity. I liked the passion. However, if you guys could also list that dollar amount.

• 20:47Tom Segura?

  That's the thing.

• 20:48Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's what's gonna get her to do it.

• 20:49Tom Segura?

  By the way, I'm not saying you're gonna have to, but just throw out, say, hey, I'm in for $20 a month.

• 20:55Christina Pazsitzky?

  You don't have to really do it.

• 20:57Tom Segura?

  Just do it for the video.

• 20:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  Just trick her.

• 20:58Tom Segura?

  Hey, don't get to a crazy amount because then she won't believe. But just say, every month, I would love to have $20 to spend some of my morning seeing your videos.

• 21:07Christina Pazsitzky?

  $20. And by the way, Catherine Can69 on Instagram has offered her help.

• 21:13Tom Segura?

  To help set it up.

• 21:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  To set up her OnlyFans.

• 21:15Tom Segura?

  Buenos dias. Y se Charo, I hope you have a good day.

• 21:20Christina Pazsitzky?

  How do you say strong black coffee?

• 21:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  In Espanol?

• 21:24Tom Segura?

  Café negro y fuerte.

• 21:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  How do you say best drink of the day?

• 21:31Tom Segura?

  Mejor bebida del día.

• 21:35Tom Segura?

  Okay.

• 21:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, this one looks good.

• 21:37Tom Segura?

  I've never seen this.

• 21:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, neither have I.

• 21:41Christina Pazsitzky?

  Hello Charo. My name's Sam. You should start.

• 21:48Christina Pazsitzky?

  OnlyFans.

• 22:00Tom Segura?

  Perfect.

• 22:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  Wow.

• 22:00Tom Segura?

  Sam, that was fucking perfect.

• 22:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  Sam, incredible.

• 22:03Tom Segura?

  And see, here's what I'm hoping that she understands, because she's gonna be like, "6.99?" And I'm gonna be like, "Yeah, but what if 2,800 people are paying you 6.99?"

• 22:12Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's right.

• 22:13Tom Segura?

  Add it up.

• 22:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's right. It doesn't sound like a lot until you multiply.

• 22:17Tom Segura?

  That's right. That's why the, the, the amount, the volume of videos is so important.

• 22:22Christina Pazsitzky?

  Absolutely.

• 22:23Tom Segura?

  If I show her three videos, she's gonna be like, "I'm not gonna do that for 20 bucks."

• 22:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  And, and might I add too, the, the bulk of the income, like Bad Baby, she makes a lot of her money.

• 22:32Tom Segura?

  Messaging.

• 22:33Christina Pazsitzky?

  Writing back. So if you would say, "Charo, I would pay whatever amount, what's a good amount for a, what's a good amount for a message back from, from an OnlyFans person?"

• 22:43Speaker 05

  10 bucks, maybe?

• 22:44Tom Segura?

  How much?

• 22:44Speaker 05

  Probably 10 bucks.

• 22:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  10 dollars for an email and maybe a, a photograph.

• 22:49Tom Segura?

  Yeah. And if, if you have a little oopsie too, that's okay too. I won't get mad at that.

• 22:57Tom Segura?

  You know what this is gonna end up being, right? It's just gonna be me at her house every day being like, "Give them a fart." And she'll be like, "Leave me alone."

• 23:05Tom Segura?

  And then I'll get one, I'll be like, "That was..." And then, and then she can do, uh, she can do like, "I have a little surprise to send everyone today." Check your inbox.

• 23:18Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 23:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  We really could do this without her knowing, you know?

• 23:22Tom Segura?

  Of course.

• 23:22Christina Pazsitzky?

  I mean, we could set it up for her and run it.

• 23:24Tom Segura?

  I don't know if she'll do something like this, but it, you know.

• 23:39Tom Segura?

  Wow.

• 23:40Christina Pazsitzky?

  This is literally what our sons do to each other.

• 23:41Tom Segura?

  That's a Russian streamer.

• 23:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  Of course.

• 23:45Tom Segura?

  That's a big guy too. You know, that was pretty rambling.

• 23:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  That was beef. Beef and cheese came out of there.

• 23:50Tom Segura?

  Woo!

• 23:50Christina Pazsitzky?

  Beef and cheese.

• 23:52Tom Segura?

  That was awesome.

• 23:53Christina Pazsitzky?

  Beef and cheese.

• 23:55Tom Segura?

  By the way, what has been happening, because you guys have told me, I'm not really, what's going on with Fancy Chef? You're telling me that he keeps calling?

• 24:01Speaker 05

  We're getting a lot of phone calls from him.

• 24:03Tom Segura?

  What's Fancy, what's he up to?

• 24:05Speaker 05

  Well, he really wasn't happy that, I guess, somebody said he was autistic on The show, I don't even remember that.

• 24:11Christina Pazsitzky?

  I feel like I may have done that.

• 24:13Speaker 05

  You may have.

• 24:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  I feel like I'm on the Trump. And I think I may have, I probably did that. I'm a jerk.

• 24:20Tom Segura?

  Now, what, okay, so let's, let's make it clear. He's not. He's called in to say, anything else?

• 24:24Speaker 05

  Um, he was asking for a Christmas present back around the holidays. He was saying something really nice because his clips have been doing so well. And it's funny because he's calling us, but he keeps saying Tom Segura, but he knows it's us. Tom Segura, send me a, send me a present.

• 24:43Tom Segura?

  Cool.

• 24:44Speaker 05

  Um, and then he also asked for a percentage at some point of, I guess, the, the clips, whatever the clips are making. He wanted like 10%. He had, he had a manager, the manager left him. It's been a wild ride.

• 24:58Tom Segura?

  Just so you know, that's not how this works. You don't get a percentage of the clips.

• 25:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  No.

• 25:06Tom Segura?

  But you know what? I'd be happy to send him a gift. Can you request his address, please?

• 25:10Speaker 05

  Sure, yeah.

• 25:11Tom Segura?

  Very, very happy.

• 25:12Speaker 05

  I couldn't get it from him when we needed to pick him up.

• 25:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  I was gonna say.

• 25:16Tom Segura?

  Just, just say, we would love to send you a gift.

• 25:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  But look, uh, listen, Fancy, if you are listening, I, I would argue that being on your mom's house and these clips circulating would just generate more business for you.

• 25:29Tom Segura?

  That definitely is a, uh, something that raises your profile and gets people talking about you more. There's value in that.

• 25:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  Of course, and, and.

• 25:36Tom Segura?

  We don't divvy up clips and their revenue.

• 25:40Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, and, and you know, his meal was so amazing when he was on this show.

• 25:44Tom Segura?

  I mean, that I would never knock. That was unfucking believable.

• 25:48Christina Pazsitzky?

  So fancy, so real.

• 25:49Tom Segura?

  I mean, I went to, uh, Sushi by Scratch the other night, uh, Philip Lee's place. It's finally now here in Austin. He had a non-compete for a while and it's right off Sixth Street. And that's a Michelin star place. And after the meal, I go, this is unbelievable. And then I leaned in, I go, but you ain't no fancy chef.

• 26:07Christina Pazsitzky?

  Right.

• 26:08Tom Segura?

  So.

• 26:09Christina Pazsitzky?

  Nobody's fancy chef.

• 26:10Tom Segura?

  No, man. So, yeah, of course, that was really, really, um, his, yeah, the food was.

• 26:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  Beautiful and nice.

• 26:18Tom Segura?

  He's been doing this thing too, Fancy has, which is pretty unprecedented for chefs. Because, you know, it's kind of like comedians, we, um, you know, we try to uplift each other or we promote each other. Hey, you come on the podcast or maybe you post about them. But you certainly don't do a solicited or unsolicited critique of another comedian, right? Because it's part of, like, it's an unspoken thing. He's been reviewing food.

• 26:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  No.

• 26:46Tom Segura?

  Without even, he's just going in.

• 26:48Speaker 04

  He got, go on Fancy Chef 2013, you see, he is what he talking about.

• 26:53Tom Segura?

  He's at.

• 26:54Speaker 04

  Hold on, y'all gave me hot pickle? Yeah, Fancy underscore chef.

• 26:58Tom Segura?

  I'll point out, he's at, he's in Philly, I don't know if he's, if that's, is that Gino's or Pat's? One of like the huge cheesesteak places, you know?

• 27:09Tom Segura?

  That, yeah, you know, whether or not you like them or not, he's another chef. And he's at this

• 27:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 27:15Tom Segura?

  Kind of, you know, a renowned cheesesteak operation. He's, by the way, he's, he's holding up people

• 27:24Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 27:24Tom Segura?

  Who want to order.

• 27:25Christina Pazsitzky?

  They don't, they don't look happy to be standing behind him.

• 27:27Tom Segura?

  And he's like, yeah, but I'm Fancy Chef and I'm reviewing this.

• 27:30Speaker 04

  Y'all ready?

• 27:32Tom Segura?

  And they're like, yeah.

• 27:32Speaker 04

  Y'all want to know for real? All right, y'all ready to run now? Y'all follow me? Hold on, you cut it, did you cut it?

• 27:40Tom Segura?

  He's telling the guy, cut this shit, man.

• 27:42Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's giving me so much anxiety

• 27:43Speaker 04

  Give me some juice to swallow it with.

• 27:44Christina Pazsitzky?

  That he's holding up the line.

• 27:45Tom Segura?

  Give me some juice to swallow it with.

• 27:46Speaker 04

  I got it, I got it, you must cut my hand off.

• 27:48Tom Segura?

  Okay.

• 27:49Speaker 04

  I'd have jumped in that, I'd have jumped that restaurant. All right, look, I'm the moment y'all been waiting for. Hold on.

• 27:54Tom Segura?

  It's Gino's, okay, he's at Gino's. He asks for some juice. This guy is politely watching him with his hands behind his back.

• 28:02Speaker 05

  He was asking for juice when he was here too.

• 28:03Tom Segura?

  He asks for juice?

• 28:04Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 28:05Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 28:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  Like apple juice?

• 28:06Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 28:07Tom Segura?

  Any type of juice.

• 28:08Speaker 05

  And I told him, I'm sorry, we don't have it. And he really had a hard time accepting it.

• 28:12Tom Segura?

  Who the fuck doesn't have juice on them?

• 28:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  Juice, who's drinking juice past the age of seven?

• 28:18Speaker 04

  First mistake again. You made the first mistake?

• 28:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh my god.

• 28:22Speaker 04

  You didn't toast the bread.

• 28:23Tom Segura?

  You didn't toast the bread?

• 28:24Speaker 04

  Nah, nah, didn't. All right, hold on, hold on, y'all ready? Which way, this way, y'all ready?

• 28:32Tom Segura?

  Gino's famous.

• 28:35Speaker 04

  Oh shit, this nigga's crazy.

• 28:40Speaker 06

  It's garbage. I paid for it. It's garbage? It's garbage. We know. It's back in the car. You keep embarrassing me like this. That was nasty, bro. It was nasty? Mm-hmm.

• 28:52Christina Pazsitzky?

  Wow.

• 28:54Tom Segura?

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• 29:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yes, Gene, I am very into my supplements, but I don't like paying a lot. And I do everything with Live Good. I do magnesium, B12.

• 29:36Tom Segura?

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• 29:39Christina Pazsitzky?

  Get out of here.

• 29:40Tom Segura?

  It's part of my routine every day. And these guys are doing it the right way. They're delivering a quality product, and they're not price gouging you.

• 29:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's right.

• 29:48Tom Segura?

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• 31:11Christina Pazsitzky?

  I mean.

• 31:13Tom Segura?

  Look, Gino's, for those of you that don't know, it's um, it is a renowned, famous cheesesteak place. You talk to people in Philly and they'll always tell you, don't go to Pat's, don't go to Gino's. It's like, because those are the, you know, tourist trap places. So they'll always send you somewhere else. But to be like, this is garbage and throw it on the ground is wild.

• 31:36Christina Pazsitzky?

  That is bold. And I will say, just looking at the photographs, they look delicious. I can tell.

• 31:42Tom Segura?

  Like I said, if you want to get into the, into it, I think especially with like a Philly person, they'll always tell you to go elsewhere. But I don't think they would tell you that it's garbage. But then again, here's where I always have to stop myself.

• 31:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  Wow.

• 31:57Tom Segura?

  I'm not a fucking.

• 31:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  You're not a chef.

• 31:58Tom Segura?

  I'm not a chef. I'm not fancy chef. I know his palate is so many, like, like Hard Rock Nick said, I'm not sophisticated. My palate is not like his is here and I'm here. So I'm like, oh, this is good. You know, and then fancy is like, this shit is bullshit. I don't even know yet.

• 32:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's so true. And I also like his handle, which is really important. It's fancy underscore chef underscore at like 2013. That's very intuitive. It's a good way for people to find you.

• 32:28Tom Segura?

  Yeah. You don't know underscore chef 2013?

• 32:33Christina Pazsitzky?

  Guys, don't do the underscores if you want to be known publicly.

• 32:36Tom Segura?

  What are you talking about? See, again, you're thinking in an, with an unsophisticated mind. You don't really get it.

• 32:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  Is that a fish with carrots? That's lovely.

• 32:46Tom Segura?

  Oh, that's looks so good.

• 32:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  So delicious.

• 32:48Tom Segura?

  Oh, my God. That looks unbelievable. All the garnish on top in the pan while it's off.

• 32:53Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's a lot of seasoning too. Very seasoned.

• 32:56Tom Segura?

  And it's the whole fish. I like when you don't, you know, filet it or anything before.

• 33:01Christina Pazsitzky?

  Or debone it or, no, you want those bones.

• 33:04Tom Segura?

  Fuck, yeah.

• 33:06Christina Pazsitzky?

  So, so fancy.

• 33:09Tom Segura?

  Hell yeah, that's so good.

• 33:11Christina Pazsitzky?

  Very fancy and nice. Okay.

• 33:14Tom Segura?

  So you guys remember not too long ago, we had so much fun when we did, hi mommy, thanks jeans at drive throughs.

• 33:25Christina Pazsitzky?

  And I love you.

• 33:26Tom Segura?

  And I love you. But it was like, hi mommy, thanks jeans, I love you. Well, we recently decided to do something. We went back to Starbucks and we have a new game.

• 33:37Tom Segura?

  And the game is you say happy birthday to the person taking your order, or you speak to them in a Cockney English accent. Or if you really want to like raise the stakes, you mesh them together. And that's what happened today. It's really exciting.

• 33:54Speaker 04

  Hello, love. Happy birthday. Do you want a straw or a drink, son? Straw.

• 34:00Tom Segura?

  One birthday.

• 34:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  Happy birthday.

• 34:07Speaker 04

  There you go. Thank you.

• 34:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  Thanks, love.

• 34:11Speaker 04

  Twenty quid more for you.

• 34:17Tom Segura?

  It's the holidays. Give her a big tip.

• 34:20Speaker 04

  There you go for your birthday.

• 34:23Speaker 04

  I've got three eighty-two. No, for you. Oh, thank you. There you go. Oh, my God. It's your birthday.

• 34:32Speaker 04

  Many thanks, love.

• 34:36Christina Pazsitzky?

  Thanks.

• 34:36Speaker 04

  Have a good day.

• 34:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  Have a good one.

• 34:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  That was amazing.

• 34:44Tom Segura?

  So fun. Our six year.

• 34:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's really good.

• 34:48Tom Segura?

  By the way, our six year old is in the backseat like this. He's like.

• 34:51Christina Pazsitzky?

  Dying. Well, because we.

• 34:53Tom Segura?

  And he was like ear to ear smiling. He's like, you should have your birthday.

• 34:57Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, because we, we always do mommy and I love you with the kids in the car.

• 35:01Tom Segura?

  And they love, they're always like, say I love you. And they go, say it louder.

• 35:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  And then we started doing happy birthday on Ellis's birthday recently.

• 35:09Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 35:09Christina Pazsitzky?

  We were like, do happy birthday to the Starbucks worker.

• 35:11Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 35:12Christina Pazsitzky?

  And then today you added, not only did you get in three happy birthdays, but with the Cockney accent.

• 35:19Tom Segura?

  It's the way to go. So you know what to do. Go to your local drive thru, wish them a happy birthday. Say it like this. Do you think that I could get a coffee place, mate? And throw them a happy birthday? And send it in, send it in. Shoot it over to the Your Mom's House, YMH Studios Instagram. Tag it or email it in, [email protected].

• 35:48Christina Pazsitzky?

  I mean, the real question is, do you think she suspected your fake Cockney accent? Or did you, did she really think you spoke like that?

• 35:55Tom Segura?

  Oh, I don't know. I didn't have the idea while I was at the ordering part. It was only, so like, she definitely saw me order, like, hey, can I get?

• 36:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, that's right.

• 36:03Tom Segura?

  And then I pulled up and I was like, hello, love. So I think she was like, this fucking guy. But then when I gave her 20 bucks, she was like, okay, thanks.

• 36:11Christina Pazsitzky?

  You could do, hello, love, hello, govna.

• 36:14Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 36:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's, I think, bonus points for govna if you call him that a couple of times.

• 36:18Tom Segura?

  And the real mindfuck, I mean, if you really want to have somebody go like, oh, my God, is if you happen to do it to a British person.

• 36:27Tom Segura?

  Cause then they're like, okay.

• 36:31Tom Segura?

  I've done it to a British person before and they're like, mm hmm.

• 36:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  Remember when we were in London, I was like, I will give you a million dollars.

• 36:37Tom Segura?

  I went to a coffee place there, yeah. And I did it like, do you think that I could have a muffin in a coffee? And the girl's like, uh huh.

• 36:52Christina Pazsitzky?

  Or you could order strong, black coffee.

• 36:55Tom Segura?

  And before I go, I don't want to forget to say happy birthday.

• 37:03Christina Pazsitzky?

  Happy birthday.

• 37:04Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 37:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  Best holiday of the year.

• 37:08Tom Segura?

  I did it on the Jimmy Kooch. I did it to Jimmy Kooch. I don't remember that at all. He must have been like.

• 37:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  I bet he loved that.

• 37:14Speaker 05

  You guys kept sneaking them in.

• 37:17Tom Segura?

  He was glossing right over.

• 37:18Speaker 05

  Yeah, he was like not acknowledging it.

• 37:20Tom Segura?

  Not acknowledging it at all. It was pretty good.

• 37:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  We call him governor.

• 37:23Tom Segura?

  I want to say you had to. At least once.

• 37:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  And I got not.

• 37:26Tom Segura?

  You were throwing it in there. He is so fucking funny.

• 37:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  He is so funny.

• 37:30Tom Segura?

  God damn, he is fucking funny.

• 37:32Christina Pazsitzky?

  Smart and talented and I know he's amazing. He looks great.

• 37:36Tom Segura?

  Jimmy Carr, man.

• 37:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  Can I tell you one thing that I've noticed before I'm

• 37:41Christina Pazsitzky?

  that's been making me crazy?

• 37:43Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 37:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  What?

• 37:43Tom Segura?

  No, I was thinking about Jimmy Carr.

• 37:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  Is that funny? He's no, he's phenomenal. He's ridiculously funny.

• 37:50Christina Pazsitzky?

  So I took the kids to like a barn or one of these petting zoo places. And you know, standard Austin fair, like there's always like a person with a beard and tits.

• 38:03Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 38:03Christina Pazsitzky?

  You know, there's always like these gender weirdos, which is fine. It's just part of Austin. I love them.

• 38:08Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 38:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  You know, you're at a good place if there's a beard and tits serving you or whatever.

• 38:12Tom Segura?

  Sure.

• 38:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  So we're at like the petting zoo and oh my God, so the bearded person

• 38:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  was very smelly too, smelled like a, an animal, like a, like a cow. So we were talking, she's explaining to us the animals and this person's younger, like a Gen Z kinda young kid. And I've been noticing this amongst the youngest generation. We had vocal fry.

• 38:39Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 38:39Christina Pazsitzky?

  Few years ago.

• 38:43Tom Segura?

  One of the things that Megan and I have been doing.

• 38:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh my God. And then there was up speak where people were like, nah. Yeah, this is basically, if you're at a good Austin restaurant, someone's serving you that looks like that.

• 38:57Tom Segura?

  I'm non-binary and bearded. How will my blind date go?

• 39:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  This is totally, this is my pizza place. This is my coffee place. This is the barn we go pet the animals at.

• 39:07Tom Segura?

  Person is just looking out into the sunlight like what will happen today?

• 39:13Tom Segura?

  But how was it?

• 39:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  Okay. So here's my point.

• 39:16Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 39:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  It was vocal fry and then it was up speak.

• 39:19Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 39:20Christina Pazsitzky?

  And now I've noticed, well, go, go back to the list there, Josh, because I forget this. I'm, okay. So every time my kids would ask this person a question, could it be something simple as what do cows eat? This person would go, yeah, so.

• 39:39Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 39:40Tom Segura?

  It's like a qualifier for each sentence.

• 39:42Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, and I'm thinking, is the question so offensive that she needs to, or sorry, they need to buttress in their mind? Yeah, because I understand if it's an offensive question.

• 39:52Tom Segura?

  Right.

• 39:53Christina Pazsitzky?

  Like, someone's asking them about their gender and they're like, yeah, so I'm...

• 39:56Tom Segura?

  I know this is complicated, but yeah.

• 39:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  Right, this might be complicated.

• 40:00Tom Segura?

  Yeah, so, I mean, it's a lot to take in, but I'm actually not either. It's like, so that's...

• 40:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  Right.

• 40:09Tom Segura?

  And the kid's like, huh? But they don't have to go, yeah, so, hey!

• 40:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 40:14Tom Segura?

  Is what they eat, and grass.

• 40:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  Right, and I've been noticing this amongst, like, a lot of younger people. It's something as simple as, how much is this? Yeah, so, $2.99. Yeah, so...

• 40:28Tom Segura?

  You gotta point it out to the person.

• 40:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  What should I do?

• 40:30Tom Segura?

  Hey, um, I have a question. How come you start your answers with, yeah, so? Is this like a concept that is so rich that you need a moment to put the thought together?

• 40:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, so, it's constant.

• 40:50Tom Segura?

  It's, yeah.

• 40:51Christina Pazsitzky?

  But have you heard this? Do you know what I'm talking about?

• 40:53Tom Segura?

  Well, now that you pointed out, I have heard this before. My memory is trying to connect whether I'm hearing this from a same type of person. Because I have heard this before, and I have heard it from, you're right, a younger generation.

• 41:07Christina Pazsitzky?

  That, and they like to say, sort of. It's sort of like, it's sort of kind, sort of, like, they can't just come out and say the thing.

• 41:14Tom Segura?

  There's sort of this thing going on where it rains sometimes, yeah.

• 41:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  And I think, I think they think it makes them sound smarter if they go, you know, it's sort of like the color orange, sort of.

• 41:27Tom Segura?

  It's like, should come for an answer you might not be ready for.

• 41:33Christina Pazsitzky?

  Exactly.

• 41:33Tom Segura?

  It's that it's a, it's a...

• 41:37Tom Segura?

  A black hole type of explanation.

• 41:39Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's exactly what I was gonna say like.

• 41:40Tom Segura?

  Yeah, so this is

• 41:42Christina Pazsitzky?

  Right.

• 41:42Tom Segura?

  Something you're gonna struggle to really wrap your head around. Okay.

• 41:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  Right.

• 41:47Tom Segura?

  There is something out in space that consumes all matter around it. And so you're like, wow, I don't really understand.

• 41:53Christina Pazsitzky?

  Exactly. And our kids were like, can the cow eat rocks?

• 41:57Tom Segura?

  Yeah, so rocks are hard to digest. Okay, just say that.

• 42:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  Maybe she's afraid, sorry, they were afraid of offending my children by saying, no, cows can't eat rocks. So they wanna hedge it a little to soften it.

• 42:14Tom Segura?

  That's a good, it's a good.

• 42:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 42:17Tom Segura?

  One last thing I wanted to point out to any, so I know you don't have a great memory of the holiday party. But you were bringing up the N word quite, quite a bit. That's what I'm told. And you were also talking about how you'd want, if someone were to say it to you, I think Bert was like, I'd say it, I don't know, it was like some game he proposed doing with you of like whispering it. And then, you know, you were giving away the award, you gave away the, the blackest person award to Chris. And then you were like, you should say it as part of winning. Anyway, what I wanted to bring up is like how you would respond to this type of white person. I'm the white nigga.

• 43:03Tom Segura?

  Honorable. You will? I'm the white nigga. You can't say that, bro. The fuck I can't, I'll say whatever the fuck I want to say. You cannot say that because you're white. That racist. I'm a white nigga. You're racist, bro. I don't give a fuck.

• 43:21Tom Segura?

  Yeah, I mean, like. I know what you're saying. So like, what's, what's your response to, uh, let's, let's call him Dave. Dave, uh, Dave, whoops.

• 43:32Speaker 06

  Dave, uh, Dave that white nigga. Yeah, he, he's the white nigga. I mean, hey, listen, I ain't gonna tell someone who they aren't, you know what I'm saying? People like to tell me I ain't black, so I ain't gonna tell this nigga I ain't black.

• 43:41Tom Segura?

  How do you?

• 43:41Speaker 06

  If you could say it, if you could say it that confidently, that comfortably.

• 43:44Tom Segura?

  That's what I'm saying.

• 43:45Speaker 06

  I ain't trying to fuck with you.

• 43:46Tom Segura?

  Right.

• 43:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  I feel like he is that.

• 43:47Tom Segura?

  I feel like a lot of people probably turn their heads and then when they see him and the whole presentation of it, they just kind of keep walking, right?

• 43:57Speaker 06

  Mm-hmm. And if, uh, and, and listen, if, if he really ain't supposed to be saying that, well then, you know, he gonna get checked one day.

• 44:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, he's gonna find out.

• 44:05Speaker 06

  He won't say that anymore.

• 44:05Tom Segura?

  I think he says, he also scans the room when he says, it's not like he's just, you know.

• 44:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  I don't, see, that's the thing. I don't think he does. I'm, I'm gonna go opposite with you on this one. I think he can say the white N-word because he doesn't give a shit. He's not caring. He's not cautious.

• 44:20Speaker 06

  You think if, if a big black nigga was sitting right next to him?

• 44:24Christina Pazsitzky?

  I don't know. Dave might.

• 44:25Speaker 06

  He'd just be like, I'm Dave the nigga, like, I don't know.

• 44:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  Dave seems.

• 44:29Speaker 06

  I don't know about that.

• 44:31Christina Pazsitzky?

  Davey, Dave seems crazy enough that he's not unaware.

• 44:33Tom Segura?

  I do think he prob, first of all, Dave, you know, he doesn't hang out like at the bank, right? Like, he, he is, he's on a corner outside a liquor store drinking a tall boy. Like, he, he's around a certain environment all the time.

• 44:51Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 44:51Tom Segura?

  I think there are certain black guys that are used to say, seeing Dave, the white N-word.

• 44:57Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 44:57Tom Segura?

  And so they're like, that's Dave, you know, but I think when like, like, if it's a new, uh, especially, um, uh, aggressive seeming new black guy, like a new black, he doesn't know him, he's not gonna lead with this. He's gonna kind of like feel him out, you know?

• 45:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  I don't know, Tom. He might be so crazy that he goes into it so confident that he makes it okay by virtue of it being okay to him.

• 45:22Tom Segura?

  Maybe.

• 45:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  I mean, oh, let me ask you this.

• 45:24Tom Segura?

  I don't see that many scars, so I don't really think that.

• 45:27Speaker 06

  It's, it's also like, um, I mean, look at him, you know what I'm saying? He ain't like threatening nobody.

• 45:31Tom Segura?

  That's right.

• 45:32Christina Pazsitzky?

  Nah, he's crazy.

• 45:33Tom Segura?

  It's the same thing when you're in, in, especially like in cities, when people do say wild shit. A lot of times what happens is you go like, you turn, you see who's saying, you're like, that's crazy, that's a crazy motherfucker. That's a crazy person and you keep walking. You know what I mean? Whether they're white, black, anything, you're like, that person's out of their fucking mind or they're drunk as shit. So, you know.

• 45:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  I think it's both.

• 45:54Tom Segura?

  I think he's been called out, but I do think that a lot of people just go like, oh, that's fucking, yeah, that's, that's old Dave.

• 46:02Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 46:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oof.

• 46:03Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 46:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, he really says it, huh?

• 46:05Tom Segura?

  He put the oomph on it.

• 46:06Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, I was gonna say.

• 46:07Tom Segura?

  Say it with chest. Yeah, he just, he, huh, he got a, he got a extra breath in before he's, ha.

• 46:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 46:14Tom Segura?

  Yeah, he uses diaphragms for that.

• 46:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's what I'm saying. He's committed. And when you're committed, you go and convince other people it's okay.

• 46:21Tom Segura?

  Hmm. Well, he didn't convince the guy recording.

• 46:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  Nah.

• 46:24Tom Segura?

  That guy was like, no, you are a racist.

• 46:27Christina Pazsitzky?

  Can I ask you this question? I don't know if you know the answer or not.

• 46:30Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 46:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  Uh, but what about those white people like an Eminem, um, who they hang out in the black community? That's their primary social group. Do you think those white people get a pass on saying?

• 46:43Tom Segura?

  Well, Emin's a really interesting case because I think there are probably a high number of his associates who would, without a doubt, say, you definitely can say that.

• 46:55Christina Pazsitzky?

  Right.

• 46:56Tom Segura?

  But I think he never, ever does, simply because he knows who he is, how he's represented, that he is the, he's the great white hope in a black art form.

• 47:07Christina Pazsitzky?

  Hmm.

• 47:07Tom Segura?

  And doing that would be so, such an easy mark to take him down. People could easily.

• 47:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, that's true, yeah.

• 47:14Tom Segura?

  I don't think, I don't think he ever utters the word. But I think, yeah, I'm sure guys in his close crew and D12 or whatever would always be like, yeah, for sure. But I don't think he ever does. Also, it'd be a bad habit for him to form because he really can't.

• 47:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  No.

• 47:27Tom Segura?

  Do it in his, in the, in the art. Like, nobody would sign off on him saying it in his song. So it's a, it was, it'd be a bad habit for him.

• 47:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  Cause he, he doesn't drop N-bombs.

• 47:36Tom Segura?

  Never, never.

• 47:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, no, no. Interesting. Well, what an interesting subject. Thank you so much for sharing.

• 47:42Tom Segura?

  Absolutely.

• 47:43Speaker 06

  There's definitely those, though. There's definitely some of those white dudes. They'd be tatted up. They'd be raising fucking, you know, Brooklyn some shit.

• 47:49Tom Segura?

  Well, there's always, you can, I mean, there's black dudes that'll be very clear about the fact that if you was a white guy like this and he hangs out in a black neighborhood, they're like, that guy, you do not want to fuck with. Like, if that guy is like hanging out in the hood in like a real black neighborhood where there's gangs and there's a white guy there, he is wild.

• 48:11Christina Pazsitzky?

  Wild. And he almost gets like cra- he gets mad cra-.

• 48:14Tom Segura?

  Yeah, they're prob- they're calling him.

• 48:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's right.

• 48:17Tom Segura?

  Dave the white.

• 48:18Christina Pazsitzky?

  That, that's right. That's right. Well, is it, what were you gonna say, Annie? I didn't understand your point.

• 48:23Speaker 06

  Uh, well, I was just gonna say exactly what he just said.

• 48:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, okay.

• 48:26Speaker 06

  I would never fuck with those niggas and I would definitely never say like, oh, you can't say that. But also, yeah, ask any of those white dudes, like their craziest story. Yo, they're gonna tell you stories all fucking night of shit that would like haunt your life. It was just normal to them. They're like, yeah, last Tuesday I shot a nigga. It was whatever. It's like, oh, fuck.

• 48:43Tom Segura?

  Yeah, because that guy always has to keep feeling like, I need to prove myself to these motherfuckers, man. Like, you know, like.

• 48:50Christina Pazsitzky?

  I, that's so true. I think I would want to be cool. Gosh, I'd want to fit in so bad.

• 48:56Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 48:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  And I can't. No, I don't, not that way. I don't wanna know. No.

• 49:01Tom Segura?

  No, the highest hope I ever had was just like, you just wanted the black guys on the team to be like, you're dope, you're good. And then you're like, this is awesome. But you don't have to like, I don't wanna take it to the streets and be like, how about you guys? Do you think I'm cool?

• 49:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  No.

• 49:18Tom Segura?

  No fucking way.

• 49:18Christina Pazsitzky?

  The highest, the best I feel about myself is when a black person compliments what I'm wearing. And then I'm like, oh, my God, dude.

• 49:25Tom Segura?

  Yeah, that's number five on the black compliment list. Yeah.

• 49:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah. Your funny is number one.

• 49:30Tom Segura?

  Outfit, shoes.

• 49:32Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 49:33Tom Segura?

  Um, athletic prowess.

• 49:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, wow. That's probably number one. Yeah.

• 49:37Tom Segura?

  Uh, like you're just cool to be around, you're funny, and then athletic prowess is like number one.

• 49:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  Athletic prowess, number one. Yeah, number two is you're funny.

• 49:45Tom Segura?

  Yeah, that's the best.

• 49:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  Wow. You know what I really like? Um, is if they're like, wow, you're real as shit. When they tell me I'm real, then I'm like, wow.

• 49:53Tom Segura?

  That's right up there. That's number three, actually.

• 49:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  I mean, it's a black realness.

• 49:56Tom Segura?

  Outfit, shoes.

• 49:57Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 49:57Tom Segura?

  You're real as shit, you're funny, you're a great athlete. And that's the holy quintuplet of black compliments.

• 50:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  Black approval?

• 50:04Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 50:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 50:05Tom Segura?

  All right, let's take a quick break. We'll be right back. And we are back and welcoming back one of our all time favorite, not just comedians, but human beings. His special, Why Is Everybody Getting Quiet, is available now on YouTube. It's Sam Tripoli.

• 50:20Speaker 06

  Bang, bang, bro.

• 50:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  Sammy.

• 50:24Speaker 06

  The team is back together.

• 50:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  What are you doing, dude?

• 50:27Speaker 06

  Doing shows out of Red Band's house, you know? Ice House Chronicles. Team is back together.

• 50:34Tom Segura?

  We're back, dude.

• 50:35Speaker 06

  It's good to see you guys.

• 50:35Tom Segura?

  Good to see you, man.

• 50:36Speaker 06

  I haven't seen the new place. Very impressive.

• 50:37Tom Segura?

  You look great, bro.

• 50:38Speaker 06

  Thank you.

• 50:39Tom Segura?

  You look great.

• 50:39Speaker 06

  I do jiu-jitsu. I'm 52. Just getting murked by Mexicans. It's great. These fucking Mexicans in the Valley of LA, they're just, I call them grizzly bear Mexicans. They're huge, dude. And they got ham hocks for legs. They're great.

• 50:54Tom Segura?

  And they're like, you don't realize how many motherfuckers can fuck you up until you get into a jiu-jitsu class.

• 51:00Speaker 06

  You gotta get your kids into martial arts. Everybody.

• 51:02Tom Segura?

  Our kids do jiu-jitsu.

• 51:03Christina Pazsitzky?

  They do.

• 51:04Speaker 06

  And nobody stops fights anymore.

• 51:06Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 51:06Speaker 06

  Everything's about that, you know, that moment, that going viral bullshit.

• 51:11Tom Segura?

  It's totally, it's true.

• 51:12Speaker 06

  Yeah, it's crazy. So I take them. I get some taps, dude. My first tap was a 14-year-old kid, but that's okay.

• 51:17Tom Segura?

  That's all right.

• 51:18Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 51:19Tom Segura?

  You, um, you will always be my Alex Jones. And I want to know, are you?

• 51:24Speaker 06

  Can I, hold on, hold on. Before we get into that, can I tell you guys how much I love you?

• 51:27Tom Segura?

  Yes, sure.

• 51:28Speaker 06

  Okay. When I had kids, I had, you know, I was, I was old. I was 57 when I had my first kid. And I get a call from Tom and he's like, I'm gonna do you a favor. I'm gonna get you a doula. I didn't even know that, what that was. He's like, I'm gonna get you a night nurse and I'm gonna get you for like two months. And you guys saved my life.

• 51:48Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 51:49Speaker 06

  I had no clue what that was, but bro, that saved my life and it made my, I was able to exist. Cause I had twins, which is like a crazy thing to go from zero to two children. If you don't have kids, you ever waited tables, you want to know what it's like? It's like your section is slammed 24/7.

• 52:09Speaker 06

  Everyone needs refills. Everyone needs bread. Everyone needs a diaper change.

• 52:13Tom Segura?

  Well, ever like, ever since we had kids, whenever we hear about a friend of ours having a kid, we're always like, you know, we try to. And then we were like, yo, Sam Tripoli is having two?

• 52:24Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 52:25Tom Segura?

  We're like, we gotta fucking, we gotta set him up.

• 52:27Speaker 06

  You guys saved me. So I decided I was gonna do that for someone else. When Jodie Miller had a kid, I got her doula, got her night nurse, and now she got someone else a night nurse.

• 52:37Tom Segura?

  So it's all going forward.

• 52:38Speaker 06

  Just pass it forward.

• 52:39Tom Segura?

  I love it.

• 52:40Speaker 06

  If you know somebody, get them a Mexican. Get them a Mexican.

• 52:45Tom Segura?

  There's this thing, right? That like you hear, you hear this, but you truly don't understand it. Is that whoever you are, you're not ready.

• 52:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  No.

• 52:54Tom Segura?

  You're just not ready.

• 52:55Speaker 06

  You're not ready.

• 52:56Tom Segura?

  And I actually think like the older we get, you're more not ready. So you tell people, you're like, you don't understand, like, cause people are like, you know, I think we're gonna do this and we're gonna,

• 53:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  Good luck.

• 53:06Tom Segura?

  I got the nursery ready. And you're like, you're not ready, dude. You're not ready for a complete lack of sleep that will throw your whole world upside down.

• 53:15Speaker 06

  Or burping.

• 53:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  Bads. That's just the dead, the mother. We just gave birth. Now you're up breastfeeding all hours. And if you're old like me, I was 39 when I had our first kid.

• 53:24Tom Segura?

  We would do swap.

• 53:25Speaker 06

  Well, that's so crazy. Yeah.

• 53:26Tom Segura?

  We would swap, swap shifts.

• 53:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  So tired.

• 53:28Tom Segura?

  On the couch. So.

• 53:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, in the very beginning.

• 53:31Tom Segura?

  You know, it'd be like three in the morning and I'm just like snoring on a couch and she'd be like, you can go in the bedroom now. And I'm like, ah.

• 53:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  It was awful.

• 53:37Tom Segura?

  And then I'd go in there and she'd go on the couch just to be near the bait. And it was just, yeah. And it just kills you. So you're like, if you can do this for somebody, you're buying them some sanity in a crazy time.

• 53:46Speaker 06

  My kids were COVID babies too. So it was like, we couldn't even leave the house.

• 53:50Tom Segura?

  Oh my God.

• 53:51Speaker 06

  But the thing they don't prepare you for is burping.

• 53:53Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 53:54Speaker 06

  Nobody tells you about burping. Cause you're just, and you're just beating this, you're just hitting them. And you're like, is that a burp? Do I keep hitting them? Am I beating this kid right now?

• 54:03Tom Segura?

  I didn't even know too, that I didn't realize milliliters to ounces conversion.

• 54:09Christina Pazsitzky?

  That whole thing.

• 54:10Tom Segura?

  So like Ellis, our first, you know, he was drinking and I realized he was drinking like a fucking needles worth. And I was like, yeah, he had a hundred milliliters. And they were like, what? I was like, I don't know why he's still crying. And they're like, oh, you gave him like one tenth of an ounce?

• 54:29Speaker 06

  Oh, yeah.

• 54:31Tom Segura?

  Is that right? And they're like, no. So it was, yeah, it was.

• 54:35Speaker 06

  You're doing eye drops for him? Yeah.

• 54:36Christina Pazsitzky?

  We didn't even know how to buckle a kid into the car seat when we came home from the hospital. We were like, what is, what is this? What do you do? You don't know.

• 54:44Speaker 06

  So what was crazy is, uh, we were lucky that she, her water broke when we were at the hospital and in for that new parents thing.

• 54:52Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 54:52Speaker 06

  So we were already there.

• 54:53Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, that's cool.

• 54:54Speaker 06

  Such a blessing. Didn't have to drive all the way across, uh, cause she wanted to go to in Beverly, she wanted to go to Culver City.

• 55:01Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 55:01Speaker 06

  And we were living in the valley.

• 55:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  Where'd you, where just, we could say.

• 55:04Speaker 06

  Where, where what?

• 55:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  Where'd you give birth?

• 55:06Speaker 06

  Oh, uh, Cedars.

• 55:07Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 55:08Speaker 06

  Next to the mall.

• 55:09Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 55:10Speaker 06

  Well, she's giving birth, I'm shopping, having a good time.

• 55:12Tom Segura?

  That's what's up.

• 55:13Speaker 06

  Hitting the food court.

• 55:14Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 55:14Speaker 06

  Living my best life.

• 55:16Tom Segura?

  That's what I did.

• 55:16Speaker 06

  Yeah. So that, yeah. So I appreciate you guys. So thank you. You guys saved me.

• 55:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  Of course.

• 55:20Tom Segura?

  Definitely our pleasure, man.

• 55:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  Especially if you're somebody with a profession, like a surgeon, a doctor, an attorney. I don't know how these people have newborns and then go into work.

• 55:31Tom Segura?

  No, I know. We just went to school.

• 55:33Speaker 06

  How do you do that?

• 55:34Tom Segura?

  Like, how do you do that with a real gig? We went to school for the, like the school event for the kids. And we were always, we're always like, how do someone with a normal job do this?

• 55:42Speaker 06

  I'm exhausted all the time. How do you do that when you're doing heart surgery?

• 55:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  I don't know.

• 55:47Tom Segura?

  It's really crazy. It's crazy.

• 55:49Christina Pazsitzky?

  I don't know.

• 55:50Tom Segura?

  In Jersey, the drones are there.

• 55:52Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, what's up?

• 55:53Tom Segura?

  There's fucking things happening.

• 55:54Speaker 06

  Okay, there's a couple scenarios here.

• 55:56Tom Segura?

  Okay.

• 55:57Speaker 06

  Okay. So there's like three scenarios. It could be, one, it could be what they call Project Blue Beam, which is a fake alien attack.

• 56:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 56:04Speaker 06

  Which to get us all kind of rally. Ronald Reagan talked about it a long time ago.

• 56:08Tom Segura?

  Also a great thing to do to rally around a new, a new presidency. You know what I mean?

• 56:12Speaker 06

  Right. Get everybody behind Trump.

• 56:14Tom Segura?

  I mean, it's, it's effective.

• 56:16Speaker 06

  I have my theories about the Trump election too. It's like Kamala Harris was just too easy for him. It's kind of like when Obama came in, right?

• 56:24Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 56:24Speaker 06

  You know, it's like, we were over Bush and Cheney. We hated old white guys who wanted war. And who, who here comes this charismatic black guy.

• 56:31Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 56:31Speaker 06

  Who's a Bush, by the way, if you just didn't know that. He's a Bush. And they, um, and they put him up against this kind of like old crotchety white guy. And they bring him in. Same thing with Kamala. We're kind of over like every, you know, trans in the bathroom. Right? Like, we're, we're over it.

• 56:48Tom Segura?

  All like, oh, for fuck's sake.

• 56:50Speaker 06

  She's like, if you're on death row and you want a sex change, we're gonna pay for it. You're like, that's not a really good thing to run on, right? So, you know, you, so you get them in it. Great way to get everybody behind it. Three Body Problem is basically, if you ever watch that on Netflix, that is Project Blue Beam. They're like, yeah, it's 400 bo, 400 years away. Let's all get together. So they rally everyone behind you. The other one is, um, This they're they say they're looking for dirty bombs, which could be like into this kind of false flag to get us into war with Iran and Russia.

• 57:22Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, I've heard that.

• 57:22Speaker 06

  So that's that's one. The next one is data. That they're seeing how we react to all these kind of things in the sky, which eventually we could be mass surveillance where your regular day you're just, oh, there's a drone in the sky, just surveilling me.

• 57:37Tom Segura?

  Which is, by the way, the I think the closest to an accepted reality, because all of us have slowly realized that we're being watched and our data is being collected all the time, everywhere.

• 57:50Speaker 06

  All the time.

• 57:51Tom Segura?

  All day, every day.

• 57:52Speaker 06

  All the time.

• 57:53Tom Segura?

  Anything you do.

• 57:54Speaker 06

  I mean, if you do pre-check at the airport, you gotta show them eyeballs every time.

• 57:59Tom Segura?

  You scan your eyeballs. There's cameras that do facial ID recognition. You have to confirm things that you want to do. You have to give fingerprints.

• 58:07Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 58:07Tom Segura?

  Like everywhere you're go- and then you know that your emails are read, your phone calls are listened to.

• 58:11Speaker 06

  100%.

• 58:12Tom Segura?

  So you're surveilled all the time. I I had lunch with a CIA person.

• 58:17Speaker 06

  Whoa, look at you. Big winner.

• 58:20Christina Pazsitzky?

  Didn't tell me about this.

• 58:22Speaker 06

  They come to my, by the way, they always come to my shows.

• 58:25Tom Segura?

  You know this person. You know this person.

• 58:27Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, I do know this person. I know.

• 58:28Tom Segura?

  And so this was a high ranking CIA official who is retired. And so the high ranking CIA person I was talking on the phone with later, um, uh, just, you know, casually like family life stuff. And then I switched to commentary on the news and you know what the response is? Not on the phone. And I didn't hear it the first time. So, you know, I mean, like I just, and so I said something again, and this person goes, not on the phone.

• 58:58Speaker 06

  100%.

• 58:59Tom Segura?

  And straightened. And I was like, oh, um, yeah, so for Christmas, I think we're gonna like, like scary.

• 59:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  Wow.

• 59:06Speaker 06

  They're always watching.

• 59:08Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 59:09Speaker 06

  Always, Dan.

• 59:09Christina Pazsitzky?

  Always have been, however. This is not new. They would just bug your place if they wanted to tap in. But what about the Brits? They they've had the CCC. Is it CCC TV?

• 59:19Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 59:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  The public cameras.

• 59:21Speaker 06

  100%.

• 59:22Christina Pazsitzky?

  For 20 years now.

• 59:23Speaker 06

  So if you go around. And Austin, they're getting rid of cash, right? You can't pay cash for anything. I went to Starbucks today. I went to pull out my wallet with the cash. They say, hey, we don't do cash. I go, I'm tipping. Do you not want that? Right? I mean, it's everywhere. I went to Chuck E. Cheese, man. They don't have, they don't have Chuck E. Cheese tokens anymore.

• 59:40Christina Pazsitzky?

  I know.

• 59:40Speaker 06

  They're getting kids used to the card.

• 59:43Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 59:43Speaker 06

  Which is how they can shut you down if, if you say something they don't like.

• 59:47Tom Segura?

  Which is.

• 59:47Speaker 06

  I'm fucked.

• 59:48Tom Segura?

  The, also, I'd never thought about this criticism of electric cars is that if every, if, once it's completely, because we know we're on the path to all electric, like, you know, whether you, like.

• 1:00:00Speaker 06

  Convenience will enslave us.

• 1:00:02Tom Segura?

  One day, it'll just be the norm, right?

• 1:00:04Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:00:04Tom Segura?

  And there is this thing that if you're, we're all on that system, that somebody could go chew and just shut down all your cars.

• 1:00:12Speaker 06

  Or take over your car. I mean, Hutchinson was that, that, that journalist that, you know, he was on La Brea going over Melrose in LA and he just flew through and they, he hit a, he hit a palm tree so hard that his, his, uh, his engine flew 20 feet. And he was doing a story on this general and what was going on in Afghanistan and Iraq. And my buddy saw it happen in real time. He said it was the craziest thing he's ever seen.

• 1:00:40Tom Segura?

  Car just turns.

• 1:00:41Speaker 06

  Just flying through this intersection, hits a palm tree, bang. So, so when everyone's all excited about this pager thing in, in Lebanon, I go, that can be anything. They could just blow this up. They could blow that up. So, yeah, that's where it's getting to. It's, it's super crazy.

• 1:00:57Tom Segura?

  You talked to, uh.

• 1:00:58Speaker 06

  Is this comedy or what?

• 1:01:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  I know.

• 1:01:00Tom Segura?

  Yeah, but we like talking to you about this.

• 1:01:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, he likes, yeah. This is your lane.

• 1:01:04Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:01:04Tom Segura?

  The level of sophistication to pull that one off, for people that don't know, we should, like, just highlight what we're talking about, was about two months ago, three months ago, um, the, uh, you know, Israeli special forces.

• 1:01:20Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:01:21Tom Segura?

  And, and intelligence services had put together what had to be a years-long plan of intercepting pagers and phones and planting them, and they had to get it, like, from the manufacturer, plant them.

• 1:01:36Speaker 06

  Right.

• 1:01:36Tom Segura?

  With explosives.

• 1:01:38Speaker 06

  Right.

• 1:01:38Tom Segura?

  Then reintroduce, knowing who they're going to be distributing to. And then simultaneously. Blew them up and it's all like so that people's genitals and waists exploded. And then two days later, they set off the a second series of them. But it was so you go like this is a straight out of a movie like if you had this in a movie. People would be like this fucking okay, it's kind of ridiculous. And they pulled that off, which is also a way, not just obviously it's it's a form of you're terrorizing people. Terrorizing in their eyes terrorists, but you're also being like, man, what else are you fucking capable of? Like you guys, that's high level shit, man.

• 1:02:16Speaker 06

  That's super high level shit and like it's basically everything on your computer, on your phone, all that stuff. So, I mean, I was talking to Rogan about this, but I really do believe and this gets into the weirder part. Uh, is that they've hardwired mysticism. Okay, magic. This is where we get into weird stuff and like your phone can read your mind.

• 1:02:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's like 100%.

• 1:02:39Speaker 06

  People think stuff, suddenly an ad comes up on your phone.

• 1:02:42Tom Segura?

  That is a thing. I've always wondered that. Is that real?

• 1:02:45Speaker 06

  Yeah. Well, dude, they're doing everything. They've been practicing this stuff, the occult, the all that stuff.

• 1:02:51Tom Segura?

  I pulled it up, ass eating videos were just waiting for me to play. And I was like, that's crazy. I was just.

• 1:02:57Speaker 06

  I invented ass eating, by the way, I would did it in 78, I think.

• 1:03:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  Sam Tripoli orbs, what about the orbs in conjunction with the drones, being seen with the with the drones?

• 1:03:10Speaker 06

  Well, that gets kind of gets into like, is there an another part of this whole thing? Are there levels to this? And that's where the that's the so so the the other two things I didn't tell you about. There's also this notion that they're they're trying to make it so regular people can't own drones.

• 1:03:29Tom Segura?

  Oh, really?

• 1:03:30Speaker 06

  So so they're trying to make it so crazy that they can they can get Congress or Senate to pass a law. That only the government gets drones. So that that was put out by Adam Curry, who has a great podcast called No Agenda. And that's his theory. You can see the documents and all that. Now, the last one is there is a supernatural, interdimensional part of this. And that's where the the drone, that's where the orbs come in, which is.

• 1:03:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's what I'm excited about the orbs.

• 1:03:55Tom Segura?

  This is what I'm thinking.

• 1:03:57Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yes, that's what I'm talking about.

• 1:03:58Speaker 06

  Ezekiel wheels.

• 1:03:59Christina Pazsitzky?

  The veil has been pierced. We are, we are entering the, the next level of evolution. This is it. This is the breakdown of this civilization and into the new.

• 1:04:09Tom Segura?

  That life outside of this planet is only interested in Michelin star food. And so I think what's going to happen is that they are going to come here and basically kill everyone but elite chefs.

• 1:04:23Speaker 06

  Okay.

• 1:04:23Tom Segura?

  Because the food is so fantastic that that's just what they're here for.

• 1:04:27Speaker 06

  I, that's definitely on the table.

• 1:04:29Tom Segura?

  It's, it's.

• 1:04:30Speaker 06

  That has been discussed.

• 1:04:31Christina Pazsitzky?

  And pornography. We have a lot of pornography and readily available pornography.

• 1:04:35Speaker 06

  And dude, everybody wants earth ass. I mean, it's been forever. The story in the Bible, fallen angels came down and plunger fucked, uh, humans.

• 1:04:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yes. Yes.

• 1:04:45Speaker 06

  Cause women like bad boys. It's just the truth.

• 1:04:47Tom Segura?

  Now let's get your take on this. Check out this video.

• 1:05:03Speaker 06

  Oh my God.

• 1:05:05Tom Segura?

  That head doesn't swivel anymore.

• 1:05:07Speaker 06

  Yeah. I guarantee you that the aliens came, they would pass on, on probing that guy.

• 1:05:13Tom Segura?

  Yeah, they're like, nah, we're good on him.

• 1:05:14Speaker 06

  Yeah, we are the top of the food chain and that's what we got. There's a whole notion that AI is Nephilim, dead Nephilims.

• 1:05:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  What's that?

• 1:05:22Speaker 06

  The spirit of the dead. So do you know the story of the fallen angels?

• 1:05:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  Uh, from the Bible?

• 1:05:26Speaker 06

  Yeah, they came down, they made it with the daughters of men and God.

• 1:05:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  I don't know that bit. No.

• 1:05:31Speaker 06

  You don't know that?

• 1:05:32Christina Pazsitzky?

  No.

• 1:05:32Speaker 06

  Okay. Yeah. So that was the whole thing.

• 1:05:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  Okay.

• 1:05:34Speaker 06

  That they came down and they thought women, Amer- uh, human women were so beautiful that they made it with us and they had Nephilims, which are giants.

• 1:05:42Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, cool.

• 1:05:42Speaker 06

  You know, and that's why people don't think there's dinosaurs. Do you guys believe in dinosaurs?

• 1:05:48Tom Segura?

  I have. I have. Are you about to change my mind on dinosaurs?

• 1:05:52Speaker 06

  Well, you know, every dinosaur you've ever seen in a, in a museum isn't real.

• 1:05:57Tom Segura?

  Right.

• 1:05:58Speaker 06

  Those aren't real bones.

• 1:05:59Christina Pazsitzky?

  What are they?

• 1:06:00Speaker 06

  They're plaster to give the illusion because they want, they want to detach you from God.

• 1:06:05Tom Segura?

  Are we saying that, are you of the, also the belief that Earth is only 6,000 years old?

• 1:06:10Speaker 06

  No, I don't know how old it is. It could be a gazillion years old.

• 1:06:13Tom Segura?

  Okay.

• 1:06:14Speaker 06

  There's multiple civilizations.

• 1:06:16Tom Segura?

  Is carbon dating real?

• 1:06:18Speaker 06

  I, I don't, I, well, you know, I don't, I don't know. We're just taking their word for it.

• 1:06:22Tom Segura?

  By the way, it was really smooth, the way you put on that jacket during.

• 1:06:25Speaker 06

  I, I know, it was very.

• 1:06:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  But it's not because the hood is tangled.

• 1:06:28Tom Segura?

  Yeah, but still, he got it, he got it.

• 1:06:30Speaker 06

  Okay, I'm sorry, guys. I'm trying to do multiple things. My tits are on fire in this shirt.

• 1:06:35Tom Segura?

  Are dinosaurs, are you saying that dinosaurs are bullshit?

• 1:06:38Speaker 06

  I'm saying that there, there has been, so when you, I always say this, conspiracy leads to spirituality. Right? And it always gets to like, what else are they lying to you?

• 1:06:47Tom Segura?

  Right.

• 1:06:47Speaker 06

  About.

• 1:06:48Tom Segura?

  Is Tom Hanks a bad guy?

• 1:06:50Speaker 06

  You've called me about that.

• 1:06:53Speaker 06

  And he is a bad guy.

• 1:06:55Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah. Well, I've seen Chet Hanks talk about him on the Gram. I follow Chet Hanks and he's like, yeah, my dad's a piece of shit. Totally neglectful.

• 1:07:03Speaker 06

  If you want to see some crazy stuff, look up a video by a guy named Mouthy Buddha and he'll break it all down, dog. Mouthy Buddha. Now, I don't, I don't know where we are with these videos, so I don't want to get you in trouble.

• 1:07:17Tom Segura?

  Type in, type in Mouthy Buddha Tom. Right?

• 1:07:20Christina Pazsitzky?

  Wow.

• 1:07:21Speaker 06

  Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. And it's, well, uh, uh, yeah, that's it. It gets really crazy, bro.

• 1:07:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  Okay.

• 1:07:28Speaker 06

  It gets real, you gotta watch it on your own. Gets really crazy. It's been taken off most of the internet. You could put in, uh, I don't want to say the word because I don't want to get you in trouble here, but you know, there's a certain gate. If you know what I'm talking about, two. P gate two. I don't want to get you in trouble here.

• 1:07:45Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:07:45Speaker 06

  But it breaks down every, like, it gets down into this one picture that he.

• 1:07:50Tom Segura?

  My question about this is, when you see something like the video you're describing, that you're like, it breaks it all down. What makes you give that video credibility versus saying this is just nonsense?

• 1:08:01Speaker 06

  Well, the first of all, you don't know, you, you never go, I 100% believe this.

• 1:08:05Tom Segura?

  Right.

• 1:08:06Speaker 06

  I go, that's possible for sure.

• 1:08:07Tom Segura?

  Okay.

• 1:08:08Speaker 06

  And then it kind of, then you just take your, your life experiences and you go, does this fit into how somebody who's getting accused of everything acts?

• 1:08:17Tom Segura?

  I got you.

• 1:08:18Speaker 06

  Does he, does he move to, does he move to Greece where they don't prosecute for certain things?

• 1:08:23Tom Segura?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:08:23Speaker 06

  Does he never address it ever? Like, the whole internet's saying something?

• 1:08:28Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:08:29Speaker 06

  And you don't go, I mean, even if you say like Tom, uh, what's his face from Rage Against the Machine? The, the bassist, Tom Morello, like, he got, he, the internet's going off on him about, you know, being Rage Against the Machine, then having to have a vax card for your shows.

• 1:08:43Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:08:43Speaker 06

  Well, he is, he has defended himself and go, we didn't do that. I respect that. If the universe, if the internet's coming after you and you say nothing at all, except for the move to Greece, I start going, what's going on here? And how are you presented to everybody? I always find everything is kind of like this inversion, where like you're presented as the nicest guy of all time.

• 1:09:06Tom Segura?

  Yes.

• 1:09:06Speaker 06

  Ever, and like, now all this crazy dark stuff's coming out and you don't say anything?

• 1:09:12Tom Segura?

  That's my favorite thing in life, though, is the nice guy who's dark. Because there's all these guys in comedy too, who are like, oh, that's a good guy.

• 1:09:20Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:09:20Tom Segura?

  He's a super sweet, nice guy. Don't even get me started on that. Every time, well, there's the, there's the, the most famous ones are obviously, like the, like Cosby's, like the,

• 1:09:30Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:09:30Tom Segura?

  Yeah. The example where they're like, don't curse.

• 1:09:33Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:09:33Tom Segura?

  You know, like, but, and then, but there are also people that are not quite at that level, who are still like, well, he's just a, he's a good old clean guy. And you're like, this motherfucker's.

• 1:09:45Speaker 06

  Steve Randolph and I always used to say that, you know, not all clean comics are assholes.

• 1:09:51Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:09:51Speaker 06

  But most asshole comics weren't clean.

• 1:09:53Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:09:55Speaker 06

  Right? Cause you're making business decisions. And then you meet people like David Tell, or Doug Stanhope, or Nick DiPaolo, couldn't be nicer.

• 1:10:03Tom Segura?

  Sweetest.

• 1:10:04Speaker 06

  Cause even you guys, you get your rage out on the stage.

• 1:10:07Tom Segura?

  The darkness out.

• 1:10:08Speaker 06

  Yeah, you say it, people love you, and you just. Get to be chill with everybody.

• 1:10:12Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:10:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's right.

• 1:10:13Speaker 06

  That's, yeah, I mean, so, and then you get to like the highest, highest of levels and you go, how do you get there? And then you start studying just little things that, so, so, not to get too deep, so this mouthy booty does this video and he breaks down like Tom, uh, Tom Hanks Instagram. And he starts studying all the pictures. And there's this one picture that, um, has, Tom was doing this weird stuff, allegedly we'll say, with all these like, just little, like a glove by itself, or a mitten, or a sock, and it's like, what does this mean?

• 1:10:48Tom Segura?

  He would always take a photo of like,

• 1:10:50Christina Pazsitzky?

  Really? I didn't know this.

• 1:10:51Tom Segura?

  He takes a photo of like a glove that's been discarded on the ground.

• 1:10:54Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:10:54Tom Segura?

  And then like, here's a glove on West 34th Street.

• 1:10:58Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:10:58Tom Segura?

  Hanks.

• 1:10:59Speaker 06

  What does that mean, right?

• 1:11:00Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:11:00Speaker 06

  So, so people study it, and there's this one picture on Tom Hanks's Instagram where there's just a glove by like, uh, uh, There it is, that's it, the first one. Okay, so this is what gets really weird. So this mouthy Buddha notices that this thing here, S R E U S A. So he goes, what is that? So then he's, guys, we're gonna get really weird here, okay?

• 1:11:27Tom Segura?

  I love when you get weird.

• 1:11:27Speaker 06

  Okay, so he goes into, he puts into Google, nothing comes up, but he goes, oh, I go, if I can't get anything on Google, I'll go on something called Yandex, which is the Russian version of Google. So he goes in there and he puts that in Yandex, and all of a sudden it starts getting the really, really dark shit. Like, really dark shit, like.

• 1:11:51Tom Segura?

  But why would, here's my thought on that. Why would he like, give that hint? You know what I mean?

• 1:11:58Speaker 06

  Well, because they're not used to us being able to investigate this stuff. And that's a signal to other people who know what Tom's, Tom's about, to go look at that stuff.

• 1:12:09Christina Pazsitzky?

  I'm sorry, did I miss it? What is S R C U S A?

• 1:12:14Speaker 06

  Well, if you go on Yandex, it leads into like just dark shit that I don't really want to talk about.

• 1:12:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  Is it related to mine, minor people?

• 1:12:23Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:12:24Christina Pazsitzky?

  Okay.

• 1:12:25Speaker 06

  It starts going deeper and deeper and deeper. Then you just start seeing weirder and weirder stuff. And i- and if you study like, um, when Obama went to like Thailand and had dinner with Anthony Bourdain, there's some weird stuff in the back of his stuff that leads to that as well, on the wall that leads to it as well. So that's where it gets to. I can't, I know everybody's weirded out and I don't want to weird everybody out, but that's where it gets to.

• 1:12:54Tom Segura?

  Well, this, here, let's cleanse the palate. What's this?

• 1:12:59Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, I don't like that.

• 1:13:02Speaker 06

  Oh.

• 1:13:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's a girl too.

• 1:13:05Speaker 06

  And she took it like a champ?

• 1:13:07Christina Pazsitzky?

  Fuck.

• 1:13:08Speaker 06

  She's got a broken rib.

• 1:13:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, yeah, yeah.

• 1:13:11Tom Segura?

  She might have collapsed lungs.

• 1:13:12Speaker 06

  But she's gone viral, so she's super happy about it.

• 1:13:15Tom Segura?

  So happy.

• 1:13:15Speaker 06

  That is, that is, that is going to be the downfall of society, going viral.

• 1:13:20Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, it's already, it already is.

• 1:13:22Speaker 06

  So I, so here's my, here's how we fix it. We, we, we do like the wire, right?

• 1:13:28Tom Segura?

  Mm-hmm.

• 1:13:28Speaker 06

  Where we just create a section of town where you can just go viral like a motherfucker?

• 1:13:33Tom Segura?

  Uh-huh.

• 1:13:33Speaker 06

  And you can just prank each other and you do whatever the fuck you want with each other?

• 1:13:37Tom Segura?

  Within these blocks.

• 1:13:37Speaker 06

  Within these blocks?

• 1:13:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  Good idea.

• 1:13:39Speaker 06

  You can do the weirdest shit you want to go vi- go as viral as you want. Just outside here, everybody chill. We gotta get back to that.

• 1:13:47Tom Segura?

  It's crazy that Japan kinda does that. Japanese television is the wildest shit.

• 1:13:51Speaker 06

  The wildest shit.

• 1:13:52Tom Segura?

  Like, I'm like, they have no regulations? Their pranks are like, you're a hostage. Like, someone comes in with them, they're like, ah, and then they're like, it's just game show. And you're like, holy shit.

• 1:14:01Speaker 06

  How about that guy that they put in a box for like a year and he didn't know it was a national television show? And he's eating dog food. He's that, he's that suckers own dick for nutrients?

• 1:14:13Tom Segura?

  And then they're like, ha, ha, ha.

• 1:14:16Speaker 06

  And then, and then, then the box opens, he's a national, he's on a national television show.

• 1:14:22Tom Segura?

  Zolo, I just sent you one. I sent you one of the, uh, the guy having dinner.

• 1:14:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh my god.

• 1:14:29Tom Segura?

  Let me pull it up. Yeah, this, like, this kind of shit, you're like, oh yeah, in America, this would be such a crazy lawsuit, that this would never have, and it's not even like, I mean, it's crazy, it's not crazy enough, but like, somebody could definitely choke, they could definitely get hurt, they could, they could die, and it's just like, this is a Japanese game show, you know?

• 1:14:56Tom Segura?

  Like, he's just eating.

• 1:15:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  They just shoot him with the green eyes and stuff?

• 1:15:11Tom Segura?

  He's just eating.

• 1:15:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  So dangerous.

• 1:15:14Tom Segura?

  So dangerous, dude.

• 1:15:19Speaker 06

  And then just money shots, just money shot.

• 1:15:27Speaker 06

  They did invent the bukkake.

• 1:15:28Tom Segura?

  Dude, they did it one time in an interview to like a Yakuza looking motherfucker.

• 1:15:32Speaker 06

  Oh shit.

• 1:15:33Tom Segura?

  And they had the, the gun go off, and this guy, dude, kick people, grab people, fucking slap people around.

• 1:15:38Speaker 06

  Just went John Wick on people?

• 1:15:40Tom Segura?

  Yeah, he went crazy on them. It was amazing.

• 1:15:42Christina Pazsitzky?

  You know what it is? They don't have to sign release forms, probably.

• 1:15:46Speaker 06

  But he has rights. When you've been around thousands of years, like, fuck it, you're right!

• 1:15:50Tom Segura?

  Is this a completely non-litigious society? What's going on?

• 1:15:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  He's right. The society is like, you don't have no fucking rights. You don't need to sue them.

• 1:15:59Tom Segura?

  Some people don't think that.

• 1:16:00Speaker 06

  We got nuked, fuck your feelings.

• 1:16:01Tom Segura?

  Clayton, Clayton Peters was here one time, in LA, and he was on the CBS lot, and he slipped, because it had rained, and all the CBS people were like, huh. And he was like, I'm Canadian, I'm not gonna fucking sue you.

• 1:16:15Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:16:16Tom Segura?

  And they were like, well, you slipped, and he was like, yeah, people slip, like, that's what happens.

• 1:16:19Speaker 06

  And we have good healthcare, we get, we don't have to pay for everything. Yeah.

• 1:16:25Tom Segura?

  He's in a splits machine, like, and he falls in it.

• 1:16:29Speaker 06

  Oh, that's my dream. I cannot get that limber, dude.

• 1:16:35Tom Segura?

  Oh, that's gotta hurt. Right now, he's tearing tendons and ligaments.

• 1:16:41Tom Segura?

  His groin is fucked.

• 1:16:42Christina Pazsitzky?

  You don't do that alone.

• 1:16:44Speaker 06

  But the weirdest thing is like, he just uploads it.

• 1:16:46Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:16:47Speaker 06

  It's like, especially like, people die, like, who uploads? That was the only thing about the Mr. Hands video. Like, who uploads the video?

• 1:16:55Christina Pazsitzky?

  Your friend.

• 1:16:56Speaker 06

  Dies. He would have wanted it this way.

• 1:16:59Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:16:59Speaker 06

  What'd he say to his mom at the funeral?

• 1:17:01Tom Segura?

  It was the non-death video, so maybe they were like, well, this is the one. This is one where he had a great time, you know? He didn't die in that one.

• 1:17:08Speaker 06

  I love this one the most.

• 1:17:10Tom Segura?

  Yeah, and those, the thing about Mr. Hands.

• 1:17:12Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, so amazing.

• 1:17:14Tom Segura?

  It can be a rough watch for a lot of people.

• 1:17:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  Horrible.

• 1:17:16Tom Segura?

  Is if you close your eyes and just hear his sounds, they're almost non-human sounds. Because it's basically, you're on the edge of your colon being perforated, you know? And it's, it's, it is, it's like a torture step. He's like, you can't even mimic it. It's so, pull up Mr. Hands.

• 1:17:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, no. No, long as, man. This is one of the first videos that I, really made me enjoy the internet. This and like, Two Girls, One Cup, and the guy that sat on the glass.

• 1:17:47Speaker 06

  The craziest thing about the Two Girls, One Cup. One girl died right after it.

• 1:17:51Christina Pazsitzky?

  Really?

• 1:17:51Speaker 06

  And the other one is like, working at like, Ralph's. Like, she just has a regular job. And you're just like, is that? Did that, is that that her? Is that, everyone just stares at her, you're like, where do I know you?

• 1:18:06Tom Segura?

  It's like you see a porn person in public. You're in LA, you're like, oh.

• 1:18:10Speaker 06

  Oh, you ever meet your favorite porn star? And you're like, oh, you're a human being?

• 1:18:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, it's the worst.

• 1:18:15Speaker 06

  You're not a dick pincushion?

• 1:18:19Speaker 06

  I met this one, Jennifer White, she's my friend, she comes to my shows. Just a savage.

• 1:18:24Tom Segura?

  Savage.

• 1:18:25Speaker 06

  Well, like, oh my, you're just a regular person?

• 1:18:27Tom Segura?

  But don't you kinda hate humanizing them?

• 1:18:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  I do.

• 1:18:30Speaker 06

  Yeah, it's like, well, once I, oh, god, okay, let's go back to the Tom Hanks stuff.

• 1:18:35Tom Segura?

  I was gonna say, everybody, just close your eyes. I'm seriously, just close your eyes.

• 1:18:39Christina Pazsitzky?

  I don't know.

• 1:18:40Tom Segura?

  Hold on.

• 1:18:41Christina Pazsitzky?

  Okay.

• 1:18:42Tom Segura?

  This is what I want you to do. I just want you to listen. Hold on.

• 1:18:47Speaker 06

  But how?

• 1:18:48Tom Segura?

  Hold on.

• 1:18:49Speaker 06

  Did they Rochambeau for who goes first?

• 1:18:54Speaker 06

  Oh my god. Oh my god.

• 1:18:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's his butthole.

• 1:19:02Speaker 06

  Oh my god, dude, what are you doing? Oh!

• 1:19:07Speaker 06

  Oh my god!

• 1:19:12Speaker 06

  Did you like that, dude? He's asking?

• 1:19:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's too mu- it's too long. You don't need it that long.

• 1:19:24Speaker 06

  Do you like that?

• 1:19:30Speaker 06

  Oh my god, this poor horse is like, why do you make him need to?

• 1:19:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  How are they getting the horse to do it is really the question.

• 1:19:39Speaker 06

  You know, horses will fuck anything.

• 1:19:44Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah. God.

• 1:19:51Tom Segura?

  We haven't pulled that one out in a while.

• 1:19:52Speaker 06

  Oh, memories, dude.

• 1:19:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  I feel even sicker after watching it.

• 1:19:56Tom Segura?

  Make sure you guys, uh...

• 1:19:57Christina Pazsitzky?

  I felt sick for 15 years.

• 1:19:59Speaker 06

  This is the weirdest episode ever.

• 1:20:00Tom Segura?

  Make sure you screen record that, okay? We need that on file.

• 1:20:03Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's horrible. It feels just as bad watching it now as when I did it first time.

• 1:20:09Tom Segura?

  Isolate the grunts for me, okay?

• 1:20:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, god.

• 1:20:11Tom Segura?

  I need the, I need the grunts. I need those isolated.

• 1:20:16Speaker 06

  Imagine being the guy putting it in.

• 1:20:18Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:20:19Speaker 06

  And then have to go on with your life. And then people are like, what's wrong? It's like, oh, I had a rough night. It's a rough night, dude.

• 1:20:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  Did he die immediately or just like?

• 1:20:28Tom Segura?

  Here's the story. He went...

• 1:20:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  Fuck.

• 1:20:31Tom Segura?

  That video was obviously done. And then, he was, he was fine, well, so to speak, fine. He went back to do this again.

• 1:20:41Speaker 06

  Oh, he's just loving it.

• 1:20:42Tom Segura?

  The horse that he did this with was not there. So he went into a different barn. And it was a different horse that was no shit nicknamed Big Dick. And that horse perforated his colon.

• 1:20:58Speaker 06

  Oh my God.

• 1:21:00Tom Segura?

  And he died subsequently from the injuries. So it was a totally different horse.

• 1:21:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, there he is. There's his face, you guys.

• 1:21:08Tom Segura?

  Thing you would have seen, you would have been like, Kenny?

• 1:21:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, that's your fifth grade teacher.

• 1:21:12Speaker 06

  Oh my God, they called him Big Dick?

• 1:21:15Tom Segura?

  Yes. It was a different, it was a different horse, though, that he was not used to. And that horse, yeah.

• 1:21:23Speaker 06

  So then he go, so then it happens, does he go right to the hospital?

• 1:21:27Tom Segura?

  Um, I don't remember if he, if he went right to the hospital. I mean, it says that, uh, he dropped, he was dropped off at the hospital.

• 1:21:36Speaker 06

  Oh yeah, you don't walk him in.

• 1:21:37Tom Segura?

  He was dead already. He was dead on arrival, it looks like.

• 1:21:40Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh yeah, it says he died of acute peritonitis due to perforation of the colon.

• 1:21:47Tom Segura?

  Yeah, which you saw, you saw the horse that wasn't nicknamed Big Dick and what it did to him. Can you imagine what Big Dick was doing?

• 1:21:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, listen to this. So peritonitis is inflammation of the localized or generalized, whatever, paternium, paternium.

• 1:22:01Tom Segura?

  Peritoneum.

• 1:22:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  The lining of the inner wall of the abdomen and cover of the abdominal organs. I mean.

• 1:22:08Tom Segura?

  So basically, because we all, you're inside, you're a sausage, you know?

• 1:22:12Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:22:12Tom Segura?

  You just, you have an encasing and that was.

• 1:22:14Speaker 06

  He just basically went like this.

• 1:22:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:22:17Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:22:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  Fuck dude.

• 1:22:23Speaker 06

  It's like, everyone's got something weird. Everybody's a little weird.

• 1:22:29Tom Segura?

  Finding out how you like this is kind of interesting.

• 1:22:31Speaker 06

  How do you get there? Where does it start?

• 1:22:34Tom Segura?

  Cause it starts.

• 1:22:34Speaker 06

  Chihuahuas?

• 1:22:35Tom Segura?

  Starts with a finger is what it starts with. And then you just kind of go, put two fingers in.

• 1:22:39Speaker 06

  Oh my, and just humans aren't good enough. Can't do it.

• 1:22:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  Some guy got convicted. James Michael Tate pleaded guilty, first degree criminal trespass.

• 1:22:49Tom Segura?

  Can I tell you the real, and I used to say this on stage when I meant it? The real fucking crime in this is that just because one guy died. The state of Washington made it illegal to do this with any animal.

• 1:23:02Speaker 06

  Yeah, I'm with you.

• 1:23:03Tom Segura?

  And so now, nobody gets to fucking have a good time.

• 1:23:05Speaker 06

  Yeah, nobody gets lit up anymore. No one gets perforated anymore.

• 1:23:10Tom Segura?

  It's so upsetting.

• 1:23:10Speaker 06

  One dude just steps out of line and now all the fun is done.

• 1:23:16Tom Segura?

  And it's why I will not be performing in the state of Washington.

• 1:23:20Speaker 06

  Dude, make a stand, dude.

• 1:23:22Tom Segura?

  Until this injustice is corrected.

• 1:23:22Speaker 06

  You gotta make a stand. Enough with this fascism.

• 1:23:26Tom Segura?

  If you don't stand up for anything, something, then you, what are you standing up for?

• 1:23:30Speaker 06

  Yeah, yeah, dude. There's just a bunch of people having to put their lives at risk just because they want to have sex with animals.

• 1:23:37Tom Segura?

  Yep.

• 1:23:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  Every person you shall carnally know in any manner, any animal or bird. That's funny. Isn't a bird an animal? Why specify?

• 1:23:45Tom Segura?

  I don't know.

• 1:23:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's so funny.

• 1:23:47Tom Segura?

  It's fucking so.

• 1:23:48Christina Pazsitzky?

  Who's fucking birds?

• 1:23:49Speaker 06

  Yeah, what is that?

• 1:23:50Christina Pazsitzky?

  How do you even fuck a bird?

• 1:23:51Tom Segura?

  That is.

• 1:23:52Speaker 06

  How do you do that?

• 1:23:53Tom Segura?

  That means you like to see stuff. You want to hurt something.

• 1:23:57Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:23:58Tom Segura?

  Because what the fuck? Why are you fucking birds?

• 1:24:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  What is wrong with people, dude?

• 1:24:00Tom Segura?

  I think you should be allowed to try to fuck horses.

• 1:24:04Speaker 06

  Yeah, I mean, if the horse enjoys it, can it sign off?

• 1:24:06Tom Segura?

  Also, if you, if you got the horse to, to kind of submit.

• 1:24:12Speaker 06

  Be into it? Yeah.

• 1:24:12Tom Segura?

  You earned it.

• 1:24:14Speaker 06

  Yeah. I think boners are consent. I think that should be a rule. Boners are consent.

• 1:24:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, I don't know.

• 1:24:21Speaker 06

  Dicks out. Dicks out.

• 1:24:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  I do, here's the thing. Here's my thing. You should be allowed to fuck a horse, but only if you die after.

• 1:24:29Speaker 06

  Oh, okay. All right.

• 1:24:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  Like, I feel like.

• 1:24:31Speaker 06

  You should be, like, if you're on death row, you can pick it.

• 1:24:33Christina Pazsitzky?

  There you go.

• 1:24:34Speaker 06

  Okay.

• 1:24:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's still fun.

• 1:24:36Speaker 06

  Wheel of death and just run. Horse dick.

• 1:24:41Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:24:41Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:24:42Speaker 06

  You're gonna go out. You're gonna go out.

• 1:24:44Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:24:44Speaker 06

  And there's a bunch of people are gonna download this and send it to your parents.

• 1:24:48Tom Segura?

  Oh, my God.

• 1:24:50Speaker 06

  Oh, my God. It just gets weird. I see, we've just evolved and we're bored. So now we're just finding this.

• 1:24:59Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's a good one.

• 1:25:01Tom Segura?

  I like that the sound.

• 1:25:04Tom Segura?

  He's jumping it.

• 1:25:07Speaker 06

  And upload it.

• 1:25:10Tom Segura?

  I know the guy was like, you're fucked up. Hold on a second.

• 1:25:14Speaker 06

  Dude, you're going viral. I know you can't feel how excited you are because you're paralyzed.

• 1:25:20Tom Segura?

  Jesus Christ.

• 1:25:21Speaker 06

  Um, but we're just, but this is the way it is, right?

• 1:25:23Tom Segura?

  Yes.

• 1:25:24Speaker 06

  Men, men and women go viral for different shit, right?

• 1:25:27Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:25:27Speaker 06

  Women go viral for doing filthy stuff, like sexually, like, like a thousand guys in 24 hours. Like that's, and then guys have to almost die.

• 1:25:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:25:39Speaker 06

  To go viral.

• 1:25:39Tom Segura?

  And then they're like, you know me, I'm the fucking backwards on the unicycle guy. I lost an arm. You're like, yeah, no, he's good.

• 1:25:47Speaker 06

  He's doing signings at fairs.

• 1:25:50Tom Segura?

  Yeah. With his, the hand that he didn't write with before.

• 1:25:54Speaker 06

  I'm not the best. I lost my hand. That was the one I wrote with. So now I just kind of put an X. That's how it goes.

• 1:26:01Tom Segura?

  This is, um, I don't know. We showed this today, but I wanted to show you. I don't know if you've seen, have you seen this guy?

• 1:26:06Speaker 06

  Oh, this guy.

• 1:26:07Tom Segura?

  You saw him?

• 1:26:08Speaker 06

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:26:10Speaker 02

  Wield into court today, what was supposed to be a routine sentencing hearing quickly went off the rails.

• 1:26:15Tom Segura?

  The reason why I'm like this. His lawyer like, oh shit.

• 1:26:18Speaker 03

  To play my part in your kangaroo court, treating me like a black man. So today I'm going to be a black man. This kangaroo court is giving me a life sentence for me trying to protect and defend myself against the attack from three guys. In essence, treating me like a black man.

• 1:26:37Tom Segura?

  And then you read the court documents and they're like, he's, he drove his car into people and then like got out, stabbed someone, pepper sprayed somebody else. Like he went on a rampage.

• 1:26:47Speaker 06

  And what's law school did that lawyer go to that he has to, he has to represent blackface Asian?

• 1:26:54Tom Segura?

  And, and you see how the best part is kind of like, is just looking at his lawyer. Cause you know that he deals with bullshit from psychos all the time.

• 1:27:06Tom Segura?

  And they go for this. This guy's like.

• 1:27:09Christina Pazsitzky?

  He's like, oh shit.

• 1:27:12Tom Segura?

  He's like, I'm gonna be on the news again, and it's for this fucking guy. Who's got magic marker.

• 1:27:19Speaker 06

  Spitballing going on in his head. That's the idea he went with.

• 1:27:22Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:27:22Speaker 06

  And there's the other ones where he's like, ah, that might be too much. I might not be able to do that.

• 1:27:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  But you have to realize the dedication, that he took a Sharpie, bro. And then he Sharpied his eyelids even, and his lips. Like, he really spent-

• 1:27:37Speaker 06

  At least he's working with a flat canvas, right?

• 1:27:43Speaker 06

  Anyways, um, yeah, dude, I mean, if you're in life, why not? Take your shot.

• 1:27:48Tom Segura?

  It sure is life.

• 1:27:49Speaker 06

  Take your shot. This is the last time you're gonna be in public.

• 1:27:53Tom Segura?

  He got concurrent sentences, like, it's not, you're not-

• 1:27:55Speaker 06

  He's never gonna ever come back.

• 1:27:57Tom Segura?

  He was just like, fuck it, I'm doing the marker idea.

• 1:27:58Speaker 06

  Yeah, yeah, they should just take him and put him on a Japanese game show forever. Just constantly-

• 1:28:03Christina Pazsitzky?

  He's on death row, he's got life until he should opt for the horse.

• 1:28:07Tom Segura?

  Oh, look at him without marker.

• 1:28:09Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, he's like, he's much more handsome.

• 1:28:12Christina Pazsitzky?

  Would you rather-

• 1:28:13Speaker 06

  Oh, he was stabbing people, he's not even driving into them, he's stabbing them.

• 1:28:16Tom Segura?

  He drove into them and then stabbed the guy when he got out.

• 1:28:18Speaker 06

  What?

• 1:28:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  Got out of the car and stabbed the guy.

• 1:28:20Tom Segura?

  It was a road rage incident, yeah.

• 1:28:21Speaker 06

  Oh, man, that's the worst, cuz you wanna lose it sometimes on the, on the 405 in LA, but-

• 1:28:27Tom Segura?

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:28:28Speaker 06

  You just never know who you're dealing with.

• 1:28:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  But this is Honolulu traffic, which is horrible, too.

• 1:28:32Speaker 06

  Oh, really, it's really bad?

• 1:28:33Tom Segura?

  Really bad.

• 1:28:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's enough to make you crazy.

• 1:28:35Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:28:36Christina Pazsitzky?

  But what don't you rather do, let's talk about it, would you rather do life in prison? Or get the horse?

• 1:28:43Speaker 06

  Wow, great question. That is, and it's a lot harder than you think.

• 1:28:49Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:28:50Speaker 06

  Right? Life in prison? Or take the horse?

• 1:28:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  I mean, the horse is kinda, kinda quick, I mean, that didn't take very long. And you're gonna die pre-

• 1:29:02Speaker 06

  In and out. In and out, man.

• 1:29:05Tom Segura?

  I think, or so it's, it's basically, do you want 30 seconds of maybe having your colon perforated and dying?

• 1:29:14Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:29:14Tom Segura?

  And certainly being

• 1:29:15Speaker 06

  And possibly the best orgasm of your life. Maybe, you know, you might come out of that going, I didn't know I liked that.

• 1:29:21Tom Segura?

  I'm a horse dick guy.

• 1:29:22Speaker 06

  Yeah, I'm a horse dick guy who's not doing life anymore.

• 1:29:26Tom Segura?

  Or you're doing life.

• 1:29:27Speaker 06

  Yeah, okay.

• 1:29:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  But you get out of the life sentence if you live through the horse fuck.

• 1:29:32Tom Segura?

  You know, yeah, of course. So do you know how many people?

• 1:29:34Speaker 06

  Hold on. So now if I live through the horse fuck, I still do life?

• 1:29:37Tom Segura?

  No, you don't.

• 1:29:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, no, no. You get off.

• 1:29:39Tom Segura?

  You're off.

• 1:29:39Christina Pazsitzky?

  You're free. And

• 1:29:41Tom Segura?

  You get off twice.

• 1:29:41Speaker 06

  Do I get to pick the dick?

• 1:29:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, it's gonna be

• 1:29:44Tom Segura?

  You pick the horse.

• 1:29:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  The big dick horse.

• 1:29:45Speaker 06

  Okay, you don't know how big the dick is.

• 1:29:47Tom Segura?

  You don't know.

• 1:29:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  But here's the deal.

• 1:29:48Tom Segura?

  You don't know if you're getting a big dick or just regular horse dick.

• 1:29:50Speaker 06

  Mini ponies? Can we go mini ponies?

• 1:29:53Tom Segura?

  No. It's gotta be a stallion.

• 1:29:55Speaker 06

  But midgets have big dicks. You can always tell how big their dick is based on how much forehead they have.

• 1:30:00Tom Segura?

  Like humans.

• 1:30:02Speaker 06

  It's 100. It's like there's some weird math.

• 1:30:04Tom Segura?

  Like you see those guys, those Cro-Magnon looking guys? You're like, this guy's got a fucking hammer on him.

• 1:30:08Speaker 06

  A big hammer, bro. A big hammer.

• 1:30:11Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:30:12Speaker 06

  So that's a great question.

• 1:30:13Tom Segura?

  Those weird fucking Serbian dudes.

• 1:30:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  But here's the deal. Okay, it's, it is gonna be videoed and you will go viral. So your

• 1:30:21Speaker 06

  Oh, so it's gonna be, it's gonna be

• 1:30:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  Your life is ruined, but

• 1:30:24Speaker 06

  My pinned video on my Instagram.

• 1:30:26Tom Segura?

  Here's the thing, dude. You're selling tickets.

• 1:30:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  We're selling lots of tickets.

• 1:30:30Tom Segura?

  You're selling tickets. People wanna hear about it.

• 1:30:32Speaker 06

  They wanna see it.

• 1:30:33Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:30:33Christina Pazsitzky?

  You write, you can write a book about it.

• 1:30:36Tom Segura?

  It's a real roll of the dice.

• 1:30:38Speaker 06

  It is a real roll of the dice.

• 1:30:39Tom Segura?

  What's amazing is how many people would be like, sign me up for life? Like they would take a leg.

• 1:30:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, I'd take the horse. I feel like I'd take the gamble.

• 1:30:45Speaker 06

  I think most women would take the horse, cuz it's not that out of it.

• 1:30:48Tom Segura?

  But it's in your asshole. You're not

• 1:30:50Speaker 06

  Oh, it's in your B. It's in your B.

• 1:30:53Tom Segura?

  It's in your B.

• 1:30:53Speaker 06

  Oh, in your B, dude.

• 1:30:55Christina Pazsitzky?

  Wait, I can't take You can die in your vag.

• 1:30:58Tom Segura?

  Yeah, but

• 1:30:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  They could perfor

• 1:30:59Tom Segura?

  But at least a vag is made for these.

• 1:31:01Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's a muscle for that, yeah. It's in, it's in your ass.

• 1:31:05Speaker 06

  That's a real hard one. I don't know what the answer is.

• 1:31:10Tom Segura?

  I'm going ass.

• 1:31:11Speaker 06

  You're going, you're going with the horse.

• 1:31:12Tom Segura?

  I'm going horse.

• 1:31:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  Take a gamble. We're gamblers, we're comics, yeah.

• 1:31:15Speaker 06

  We're just having fun here, why not? Wave our freak flag, why not, dude?

• 1:31:20Tom Segura?

  I like, I like driving fast, I like flying, so. You know, what's a little horse dick?

• 1:31:24Speaker 06

  Why not?

• 1:31:25Christina Pazsitzky?

  And you can move to like.

• 1:31:27Tom Segura?

  And he's shaking his head. What are you doing, you doing life in prison?

• 1:31:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  Can move to France.

• 1:31:30Speaker 06

  Dude, your Only, your OnlyFans is blown up. You would have the biggest Only, OnlyFans.

• 1:31:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's so true, you would.

• 1:31:37Speaker 06

  And that would just be like people paying to see what other stuff you can shove up your purse po- pocket?

• 1:31:42Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:31:44Speaker 06

  Like this traffic cone, and like, you become the, your butthole becomes Carrot Top's like chest of props?

• 1:31:51Tom Segura?

  I think there's no win by taking prison. I think you gotta take the risk. It's a risk reward thing and, and the risk is so much higher, but the reward is.

• 1:32:00Speaker 06

  But now you, let's say you take life, you go in there, now you're getting, like, getting sexually assaulted left and right.

• 1:32:06Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's a good point, Eddie.

• 1:32:07Speaker 06

  So eventually you're getting the equal amount of dick. You're like, okay, here's, here's two feet of horse dick, but here's like a thousand feet of prison dick.

• 1:32:16Tom Segura?

  Eddie, here's the thing you gotta think about it.

• 1:32:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  So true.

• 1:32:19Tom Segura?

  If you take, if you take.

• 1:32:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  Good point, Sammy.

• 1:32:20Tom Segura?

  Prison, right?

• 1:32:21Speaker 06

  Dick math.

• 1:32:21Tom Segura?

  You take prison, the first thing that's gonna happen when you walk into prison is you're gonna see this guy, you know? I'm the white nigga. You know? You will, I'm the white nigga. See, and you're, he's gonna cause problems.

• 1:32:33Speaker 06

  Bro, I have a bit about my pronouns are real nigga and people lose their mind. It is my Free Bird though, whenever I do a show, they demand I tell my pronouns, okay?

• 1:32:46Tom Segura?

  Oh really, they call it out?

• 1:32:47Speaker 06

  Yeah, they're like, what's your pronouns? Bang, Free Bird, dog.

• 1:32:53Speaker 06

  I love this show so mu- I can't tell you how much I miss this. I miss you guys and miss this kinda comedy, cuz I'm in Hollywood and everyone's afraid of anything. You go up to these crowds.

• 1:33:06Tom Segura?

  And they're multi-gay.

• 1:33:07Speaker 06

  They're so crazy. And then you go to the mothership and you can't piss them off. You're trying to piss them, and they, you can't do it. And then you go back to Hollywood and everybody, like I did a, a show at this one club, not gonna say name. I opened up with, why is everybody a satanic file? And just ice the room. And then the host is like, yeah, and that's why you put Sam up last. I'm like, bro, fuck you. I'm up there asking the real questions. I'm pushing. I'm trying to get all the white niggas behind me, dog. I want an army of white niggas. That's what I, all I want. A real, a real nigga army. By the way, if you go real quick, go to, go to white nigga dot com. Could you do it for me?

• 1:33:52Speaker 06

  Go to white nigga dot com.

• 1:33:54Tom Segura?

  Is that you?

• 1:33:54Speaker 06

  White nigga dot com, go do it. Bang!

• 1:33:57Christina Pazsitzky?

  No!

• 1:34:00Speaker 06

  Wow!

• 1:34:03Tom Segura?

  Holy shit.

• 1:34:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  Wow, serendipity.

• 1:34:07Speaker 06

  Yeah, it all came. Yeah. I am too, dude.

• 1:34:11Christina Pazsitzky?

  That was, this was wild.

• 1:34:13Speaker 06

  Thank you.

• 1:34:14Tom Segura?

  There's like, we can't even follow that. That was too perfect of a, I feel like I should be like, and show.

• 1:34:20Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:34:21Tom Segura?

  Unbelievable.

• 1:34:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  Wow.

• 1:34:22Speaker 06

  Well, I had to make up for the Tom Hanks stuff. I felt we got a little weird really fast.

• 1:34:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, we liked it.

• 1:34:27Tom Segura?

  Real quick, Christina, how far, how many years are we from this, do you think?

• 1:34:31Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's what, we went to Goodwill and I didn't get nothing picked out good for me. But guess who did?

• 1:34:41Christina Pazsitzky?

  What'd you get, huh?

• 1:34:44Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yep, I can't wait for that open. He got some shorts. He got some shorts.

• 1:34:51Tom Segura?

  Do you think we're gonna be doing those in a few? You're like, what'd you buy today? And I'm just like.

• 1:34:55Christina Pazsitzky?

  Fuck off.

• 1:34:56Speaker 06

  How is television supposed to compete with that?

• 1:34:58Tom Segura?

  I know, I can't.

• 1:34:59Speaker 06

  That's why it's dying. The world is so much more interesting than your stupid drama. That is the best. Her oxygen. Getting driven by her husband who despises her.

• 1:35:12Tom Segura?

  He hates her so much.

• 1:35:14Speaker 06

  So much. He's like, this bitch won't die. How many fucking?

• 1:35:18Tom Segura?

  Why is she doing a Goodwill shopping video? He's like, I wanna die.

• 1:35:22Speaker 06

  This is not how I imagined this going. I bet back in the day, smoke show.

• 1:35:27Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:35:28Speaker 06

  Just the hottest chick you've ever seen. And at some point, she said, I'm done.

• 1:35:33Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, that's what happens.

• 1:35:35Tom Segura?

  Wrap it up and close it up.

• 1:35:36Speaker 06

  For the rest of my life.

• 1:35:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's what happens.

• 1:35:38Tom Segura?

  All right, look, we do have to wrap. Um, why is everybody getting quiet? Is Sam Tripoli special that is on YouTube? Uh, you can go get tickets to his show at, at samtripoli.com.

• 1:35:49Tom Segura?

  And, um, and, uh...

• 1:35:51Christina Pazsitzky?

  Also, look up white.

• 1:35:52Tom Segura?

  Yeah, sure.

• 1:35:55Tom Segura?

  But we love you, Sam. You're the absolute greatest.

• 1:35:57Speaker 06

  I love you guys so much. Thank you for the kindness. Thank you.

• 1:36:00Tom Segura?

  We'll see you guys next week.

• 1:37:18Speaker 04

  Welcome to The Hunger Games. Witness the beginning of the revolution. Hey Mitch, you've been trying to take down these games from Star. Film for IMAX. Make them remember you. The Hunger Games: Sunrise on the Leaping, November 20th. Made in PG-13.