302. Why we glow up after a breakup

Ever wondered why everyone seems to break up just before 28? Or why your friend who was just about to settle down with her boyfriend of 7 years is suddenly single and wanting to go out clubbing again? Or why you suddenly realised your long term relationship wasn't for you, and found yourself in Europe or on 4 dates in a row the next week? It's because of post long-term relationship puberty: a term that describes the rapid personality change that takes place in people who have been in a relationship for most of their 20s, but suddenly find themselves single in their late 20s, ready to make up for lost time. In today's episode we describe the end of long-term relationships in our 20s, including: The 7 year itch Why we suddenly realise someone isn't right for us The growth that happens after a breakup Why people settle in their 20s The pros and cons of single life vs. dating life How to not go back to your ex How to embrace your single era Listen now! ORDER MY BOOK: https://www.psychologyofyour20s.com/general-clean Follow Jemma on Instagram: @jemmasbeg https://www.instagram.com/jemmasbeg/?hl=en# Follow the podcast on Instagram: @thatpsychologypodcast https://www.instagram.com/thatpsychologypodcast/?hl=en# For business: [email protected] mailto:[email protected] The Psychology of your 20s is not a substitute for professional mental health help. If you are struggling, distressed or require personalised advice, please reach out to your doctor or a licensed psychologist. See omnystudio.com/listener https://omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Speaker 00

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• 0:04Jemma Sbeg?

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• 0:50Jemma Sbeg?

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• 1:16Jemma Sbeg?

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• 2:00Jemma Sbeg?

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• 2:48Jemma Sbeg?

  Hello, everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your 20s. The podcast where we talk through some of the big life changes and transitions of our 20s and what they mean for our psychology.

• 3:06Jemma Sbeg?

  Hello, everybody, and welcome back to the show. Welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners, wherever you are in the world, it is so great to have you here back for another episode as we, of course, break down the psychology of our 20s. All right, breakups in our 20s, they suck. Okay, they are just awful. No other words to describe it. They leave just a huge gaping hole in our lives and a ton of unanswered questions, especially when that relationship felt like endgame. You know, you go from planning a future with this person to it ending and walking away

• 3:51Jemma Sbeg?

  and them not being in your life anymore. And even though you may know in your deepest heart of hearts that it was the right decision, it can still very much feel like you wasted the last four, six, eight years of your life and you have to start over. This big question comes up, well, how do I do that? How do I start over when this person was such a formative part of my twenties? More specifically, how do I make up for lost time? How do I still have all the experiences I didn't get to have whilst still feeling like I'm on schedule in my life? Well, there is a very unique phenomena that happens after this kind of long-term breakup that I have been noticing more and more.

• 4:35Jemma Sbeg?

  And it's this kind of second puberty that is triggered by the end of a significant relationship that has spanned the majority of your twenties. And I want to really discuss exactly what takes place. And this new term that I've come up to describe this called post-long-term-relationship puberty. It is this weird chapter in our lives after a relationship ends in which people experience like insane character shifts and development and like rapid expansion and growth and exploration and all these amazing things, whilst they're also trying to navigate heartache.

• 5:19Jemma Sbeg?

  And it feels like they're almost like a teenager again. There's this very similar pattern that these breakups tend to follow. And I want to explain what that pattern is, but also how we can best kind of confront the confusion that is left in the wake of a long-term relationship. How do we know when we can date again? How do you know if you made a mistake? How to make the most out of being single after a big period, a big chunk of your life of being monogamous? So there is a lot going on, but it can all be described by this term. And I want to tell you what it means, explain it to you, answer all those questions. And hopefully, if you are going through this right now, this episode serves as a little bit of a guide to navigating this kind of heartache

• 6:04Jemma Sbeg?

  we know is necessary, but maybe didn't expect. And just how to get the absolute most out of this next chapter of your life despite, you know, a lot of confusing feelings. So without further ado, let's discuss the psychology of post-long-term-relationship puberty.

• 6:27Jemma Sbeg?

  So let me begin by describing exactly what this phrase means. So when people first hear me talk about post-long-term relationship puberty, they're often kind of like, huh? Like, they're a little bit confused. But when I describe it to them, they will almost always immediately say to me, I know someone who's like that. Or they will start describing someone in their own life who fits the exact bill. Because although no one really has a name for this phenomenon yet, it is still so unbelievably common. I'm surprised no one has been able to label it. So this term describes someone who was in a serious relationship for most of their early and mid twenties,

• 7:11Jemma Sbeg?

  who suddenly finds themselves single at twenty-seven, twenty-eight, twenty-nine, on the cusp of thirty. And having realized that they've sunk all this time into a person who wasn't the one, as a result, they feel like they have to make up for those lost opportunities, specifically the lost experiences of being single in their twenties. And they kind of go through almost a second emotional puberty of sorts. They suddenly start going out again after years of wanting to stay in. They start dating like they're seventeen. They feel giddy over first kisses. They feel confused and exhilarated. They're taking big risks. They're traveling. They're fighting with their parents. They're making major life changes. They're having sex with new people, discovering a whole new group of single friends.

• 7:56Jemma Sbeg?

  They're having this like insane mental and physical glow up, almost because they spent all this time with someone else. They found themselves really defined by that relationship. And now that they're finally experiencing being single and truly independent in their twenties, it's like they're awake again. It's like they're alive. They are going through a major psychological growth spurt that they missed by partnering up with someone, specifically with the wrong person, too soon. And it is wildly fun, but at the same time, it also creates some panic and confusion for them because they were on track for hitting all these key milestones that society expects of them. And now...

• 8:37Jemma Sbeg?

  They won't be doing that. So there's this equal feeling of like, wait, I feel free, I feel great, but am I also falling behind? And at the same time, they're seeing all their friends who, you know, are settling down now after waiting a little bit longer. And it's kind of like the roles have reversed, like they went from being the one who was serious and committed to being the single friend, but by the time they're back in their single era, all their friends have moved on. So much like puberty, where every day is very unique and there's a lot of a big roller coaster of emotions and highs and lows, you're really in a period of rediscovering yourself. I also like to use the term puberty because, you know, you might not be experiencing the same

• 9:22Jemma Sbeg?

  physical and biological changes, but there are significant growing pains mentally as you try and adjust who you were before with who you are now. And a lot of that maturing is taking place through experimentation. Someone kind of described this phenomena to me like you've missed your exit on the highway by staying i- in this relationship for too long. And once you've realized that you've missed your exit and you leave the relationship, you find yourself having to drive all the way back to where you should have originally turned off to get back on track. You have to travel all the way back to the time and the age that you were when you first

• 10:06Jemma Sbeg?

  met that person and relive the way your life would have gone if you hadn't been with them to feel like you're really ready to enter the next chapter of your life. Um, and in the last two years, I have seen countless friends and acquaintances go through this, go through this exact thing. And it always follows the exact same pattern. They met their person between seventeen and twenty, arguably when they were very, very young. They met them during a very formative period for establishing their own identity. The relationship was a meaningful one, right? It was a good enough relationship. This person was really nice, they were fine, and a lot of their experiences became tied to this person and therefore the partnership.

• 10:50Jemma Sbeg?

  So they travelled with their partner, they moved in together, they felt safe, but they didn't feel challenged. They didn't feel like their needs were fully met. And around their late twenties, they suddenly realised, like, like, this person isn't for me. And I cannot waste any more of my youth on them. I need to release both of us from this relationship, the good, not great, safe but not evolving relationship. And they broke up with them. And it feels like a really, really good decision. And then the cycle begins, the cycle of just exploring and exploding and doing wild stuff that you didn't feel like you had the opportunity to do. So why does this happen?

• 11:30Jemma Sbeg?

  Why is this such a pattern that, you know, someone like me or other people have been able to come up with terms and words for it? So I have this major theory that a large majority of couples who have been together for a while and seemingly break up in the few years before thirty, they do so because as you're approaching such a big milestone, it causes us to naturally sit back and reflect. Thirty is a new decade. It definitely feels like the beginning of a bigger, larger, more mature, more adult chapter. Even though, you know, nothing really changes between twenty nine years and twelve months and thirty years and one month. But naturally, like, it feels significant.

• 12:15Jemma Sbeg?

  And so questions like, is this relationship right for me? Am I happy? Could I marry this person? Could I co-parent with this person? Is this what I imagined for myself? All these questions start to come up. So in psychology, this experience has a name. It's called a temporal landmark. So temporal landmarks are moments in time, like New Year's, birthdays, anniversaries, that really stand out from the flow of everyday life. And they act like mental, I don't know, mental chapter breaks. They make you really pause and reflect because. Because of their significance, there's a very big sense of before and after.

• 12:55Jemma Sbeg?

  And so things like turning thirty, things like graduating, things like a five year anniversary. They produce like a psychological fork in the road. Where big questions and big decisions and doubts are very much amplified by a sense of urgency and a sense of importance. Perhaps you've, you know, you've had these feelings about your relationship for a while, but suddenly you're about to turn thirty or you're seeing friends get married and it feels very important to address them before the new chapter starts. Kind of linked to a quarter life crisis as well, you know, this is when you see a lot of couples break up. It's like, do I want to go into the next chapter with this person?

• 13:38Jemma Sbeg?

  Yes or no? And if the answer is no, well, I better get out quick. Another related concept that you may or may not be familiar with is the seven year itch. Now, this idea, it actually came from a movie with Marilyn Monroe back in the fifties, which was called The Seven Year Itch. It's not necessarily a scientific term, but colloquially, it kind of describes a feeling of restlessness and unease that people note around the seven year mark of their relationship. It's at seven years around that time that people begin to realize, oh, like, this is my future, where this is endgame. They also perhaps start to get lazy in a relationship.

• 14:21Jemma Sbeg?

  They start to realize that the problems they have are probably not going to change. And they break up. If you've been with someone since your late teens, early twenties, that seven year itch is going to hit in your late twenties, right as you're about to enter thirty. And unlike people who met later.

• 14:42Jemma Sbeg?

  You do have the existential realization of like, wait, I never really got to know myself, which compounds the, I guess, the fear of staying in the relationship. Basically, you know, people might experience the seven year itch in their thirties or in their forties, but they can kind of say, oh, wait, no, like I had time to search around, I had time to date, I know this person is right for me because I've seen what else is out there. Whereas for you, who may have not dated anyone else or anyone else seriously, the seven year itch also is kind of a reminder of like, wait, but this is the only person I've really ever loved or really ever known. This is my only serious relationship. Did I make the right decision? So if you're wondering if there's any science behind this, the answer would be, yes, there

• 15:27Jemma Sbeg?

  actually is. There have been a number of studies and statistical analyses that have attempted to confirm or deny the seven year itch myth, including one recently that looked at divorce rate data in two thousand and twelve. They looked at divorce rate data because breakup data is not as available. And what they found was that the average marriage lasts around seven years, the seven year itch. Another study in Finland in two thousand and eighteen, they also included people who cohabitate as well as being married. They found something a little bit different, but it still kind of confirms what the previous research has had to say. They have found

• 16:10Jemma Sbeg?

  that most marriages end around the two year mark. That's when the risk of divorce is highest. But they considered how long the average couple dates before they get married. And they found that to be around four point nine years. So four point nine plus two puts us at six point nine, almost on the dot. Seven years. It's why like this whole idea and this whole theory and there's definitely more proof that needs to be provided. And it needs to be done in other areas, but this vague idea, this idea of the seven year itch is why some sociologists and maybe we'd call them, I don't know, social activists. They have suggested that if you choose to get married,

• 16:54Jemma Sbeg?

  you should have to renew your vows every seven years, like renewing your license, right? And if you don't, well, the state will just consider you separated and it stops people from having to go through messy divorces. It it allows people to consciously commit to each other over and over again. Basically, the argument is that marriage shouldn't be a passive legal obligation and you know, I, as someone who's quite romantic, I really love this idea. I think it's brilliant. I think that given some of the research and the evidence coming through, perhaps this would make society a little bit healthier and stop people from going through these terrible divorces or feeling like they can't leave their relationship or feeling like they're stuck.

• 17:37Jemma Sbeg?

  It would give us more of a sense of like, sometimes relationships aren't meant to last forever and at critical points where you have to either grow or separate. It's something that you should should really have to consider rather than just going with the status quo. So I would say this research kind of explains why a lot of people break up at this pivotal time in their twenties. But why do they also suddenly experience a change in personality? Afterwards, what's with the upheaval? What's with the dramatic shift in lifestyle that accompanies? The end of the relationship. Basically, why does this puberty aspect? Take place. I think the kind of sudden shifts in identity and personality that

• 18:21Jemma Sbeg?

  occur and show up in people after they end a long term relationship is because I think they're trying to attempt to make up for lost time by doing all the things that their relationship status previously prevented them from doing. And doing all the things that they see as stereotypically single behaviors that they didn't get to do before. It may also be like a rebellion, I guess, against who this relationship made them into. So there's this concept in psychology called reactance, which basically explains how when we feel our freedom has been restricted, in this case by our past relationship. We sometimes swing really hard in the opposite direction to reclaim that freedom.

• 19:05Jemma Sbeg?

  And it's why someone who felt romantically stifled might suddenly become wildly romantically adventurous. Or why someone who felt neglected might suddenly chase really intense attraction and love bombing in the highs of a situationship. They are reacting against an external pressure that they felt restricted them. And because they haven't really had this kind of freedom for a while, maybe they just go a little bit overboard. I don't see the harm in it. I think, you know what, have your fun if you feel like you missed out. If you feel like that's something that's weighing heavy on you, like you should be able to have those fun experiences. But also beyond reactance, you know, the end of a significant long-term relationship does leave you with a major identity void.

• 19:48Jemma Sbeg?

  You've probably forgotten who you are without this person. If your twenties were built around the idea of a future with someone, if your interests were shaped by this, if every core memory there in it, all your friends, they're the same, they know everything about you. Stepping back into the world without them can feel very lonely and very empty. Not just because you miss them, but because this part of you is disrupted. And so sometimes these behaviours, these wild adventures, they are in response to that void. They're us trying to stack up experiences that could provide us with meaning, with purpose, show us who we are, and us psychologically revealing so that we can figure out, who am I?

• 20:34Jemma Sbeg?

  Who am I? Who am I without this person? I have to do some major experimentation, some major risk-taking to speed up this process. These kind of behaviours may also be a little bit of a distraction in the beginning, a comfort in a very lonely period, but also a way to say like, hey, look, I can do this on my own. I can have fun. I am independent. I, I'm new, I'm different now. You, this relationship didn't define me. But eventually, there will come a time where you have to confront the fact that a big part of your life is over and make sense of what's left over in the emotional rubble. And, and that can bring some really complicated emotions. As much as you're having heaps of fun, you're solo travelling, you're dying your hair, you're sleeping around, you're going on dates

• 21:19Jemma Sbeg?

  and you never thought this was going to be part of your life, as much as that is so fun. I do think that there are these moments of pause where we kind of think, wait, I can't get that time back. Am I actually going to find someone better? Like, wait, did I make a mistake? And I think those thoughts and those fears deserve their very own section. So we're going to devote the next part of this episode to these internal conflicts, but also how to embrace this new chapter ahead of you, how to find peace with the relationship ending, how to just have more fun with being single, even when it feels kind of terrible at times. So stay with us after this short break.

• 22:04Jemma Sbeg?

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• 22:46Jemma Sbeg?

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• 23:30Jemma Sbeg?

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• 23:48Jemma Sbeg?

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• 24:33Jemma Sbeg?

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• 25:17Jemma Sbeg?

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• 26:02Jemma Sbeg?

  As humans, I've definitely noticed this strange tendency to only see growth as the addition of things, not so much the subtraction, you know, gaining more money, gaining more friends, gaining more followers, gaining skills, gaining more accomplishments. There is just as much expansion in subtraction, particularly the subtraction of the wrong relationship. And my use of that word subtraction is deliberate because it's a subtraction, it's not a failure, it's not a loss, it is a beginning as much as it is an end. I read a paper recently that essentially confirmed this idea that leaving the wrong relationship,

• 26:43Jemma Sbeg?

  even if it was a good relationship, will significantly improve your life. But you have to get through this kind of tough period first, this period of heartache, but also a secondary existential layer. For starters, you know, the end of a long-term relationship in your twenties, and especially in your late twenties, is going to bring about some milestone anxiety. And milestone anxiety, if you haven't listened to our episode on this, is this very intense pressure to reach traditional life milestones at specific times. And those specific times are subconsciously impressed on us by society without us even realizing. Some of the ones that we typically think of and buy into without even realizing

• 27:27Jemma Sbeg?

  is to graduate by the time you're 22, to be married and have a house by 30, to have kids by 35. And if you're not doing that, if you're not hitting those targets at that exact time, people will think, oh wow, well, you had kids too late, or you had kids too young. Oh, well, you graduated too early, or you graduated too late, like something's wrong with you. You haven't found your partner yet, but if you find your partner at 21, you know, you wasted, you wasted the opportunity to meet other people, but if you find them at 31, oh, well, what was wrong with you? It took you some extra time. Like, it's so frustrating and it makes us so uneasy and it's so restrictive and it gives us a real sense of being left behind. I think as well as people seemingly move forward in their serious relationships, you've just taken the biggest step back possible.

• 28:13Jemma Sbeg?

  You know, you left your relationship. And so the comparison is deeply destructive and is deeply, um, I, I guess contrasting, right? Like this person and people that you look at are gonna seem so different to you because you did make such a giant leap and you did take such a leap of faith. But I want you to remember this. You have no idea how many people are staying with someone out of fear of not finding anyone better. You have no idea how many of these people that you're comparing yourself to are staying with someone they don't actually really enjoy that much because they're scared of being lonely.

• 28:52Jemma Sbeg?

  And it is always better to turn back down the wrong road, even if you are miles ahead. It is always better to turn around rather than to keep going. You know, you did not let the fear of not finding someone better allow you to stay with someone who wasn't right, regardless of what others are doing. And I want you to remember, you know, you're the only one who has to live fully with your decisions. And so choosing what was best for you will always be the right call, even if it isn't what other people expect, even if it seemingly puts you behind or disappoints people, even if it's scary for now. You have saved yourself a lot of disappointment and pain in the future by making a hard decision when,

• 29:34Jemma Sbeg?

  you know, making a hard decision when it would have been very easy to make the wrong one. I think the second existential thing that feels paralyzing in the wake of a long-term relationship breakup is this idea that you wasted your time. You spent three, five, seven years, maybe even longer with someone who didn't end up being the one. And you could have used that time finding the one. You could have used that time exploring and now you have to do it now. Now you have to do it as someone who is old, which I think is, you're not old. You're really not old. You're still a child, but there's this weird sense that the time before was more valuable than the time you have ahead. Like the time you spent in that relationship when you were young

• 30:18Jemma Sbeg?

  is more valuable than the time you're gonna spend single now that you're older. I think because we have a real anti-aging. Philosophy and belief system in this society. And so your younger years, they're seen as, as seen as very, very important and impressive and full of all these experiences and where all the fun is. And so if you wasted that on a relationship, well, then you've got the short straw. Like you now have to be single in a less fun period, a less fun time. And that is just total crap. Like it's just total, total crap. You still have so much time ahead of you. In fact, you have so much more time

• 31:00Jemma Sbeg?

  than if you'd stayed and been miserable. And you have so many more good memories to make and you have so many more opportunities. This is not a loss. This is not a deficit. This is an incredible gift. And people meet their soulmates at thirty seven. They meet them at forty. They're married and have kids by forty two. People meet their soulmates at sixty. You know, true love doesn't just find you when you're young. It's not just something to tick off the bucket list before you turn thirty. And I'm glad that you hopefully somewhere in your heart know that and that you didn't follow a timeline and didn't feel like you had to stay on a timeline more than you had to value your own happiness. But I

• 31:41Jemma Sbeg?

  totally get it. I feel like the sense of loss and the sense of disruption is very, very strong. But it's this kind of thinking, this thinking of, oh my God, I'm never going to find anyone better. I'm never gonna find love. I've already put all this time into this person. That gets us stuck in a sunk cost mentality and that gets us staying in places we ultimately don't want to be. Here's what I have to say to this. If you feel like you've wasted your time, if you feel like you're not going to get your youth back, if you feel like you wish you had known better and left earlier, how do you know that it would have been better if this relationship hadn't happened? How do you know you wouldn't have been in a worse relationship?

• 32:23Jemma Sbeg?

  Or wouldn't be feeling just as lost? How do you even know that you would have met someone? Maybe you could have spent that whole time single and yeah, it would have been fine and it would have been great, but you wouldn't have learnt some of the lessons that you did learn. You wouldn't know now what kind of person is better for you. You wouldn't know now how to trust your gut. You wouldn't know how to move through pain and uncertainty. You've learnt love. You've learnt valuable relationship skills. You've learnt more about yourself regardless of it not working out. And you would be so surprised of how thankful I am actually of the times that I've previously had my heart broken because in hindsight, I can see that that is exactly what needed to happen. And I can see that despite all the pain and gosh, it was painful.

• 33:09Jemma Sbeg?

  It was the best thing possible for me. I have friends who have married their versions of my ex. I have friends who have married the person that they doubted all along was right for them. And you know what? Some of them are happy and some of them are okay, but some of them are also like, I really, I'm in it now and I, and I care about this person and we're going to build a family together, but I wish I'd waited a little bit longer. I wish that I'd learnt more about myself. So it's not a failure. It's not a waste to walk away from the wrong person. It is a gift. This is something that you will end up valuing so much.

• 33:50Jemma Sbeg?

  This is something that you will end up being so immensely grateful to yourself for. So how do we actually embrace this new phase for ourselves? I think the first thing is lean into the puberty part, lean into being a little bit wild, lean into going a little bit crazy, lean into doing just things that you wanted to do that you couldn't do in your relationship, even if they feel scary or risky or embarrassing, you know, healing will come. Sadness will come, like it's gonna happen. So just ride the highs whilst you can and whilst you want to. And then when the lows come, like lean into them as well. You know, I always say, if you embrace the pain fully for six months,

• 34:33Jemma Sbeg?

  you save yourself from two years of lingering suffering.

• 34:38Jemma Sbeg?

  It's better to kind of lean into it and get it not out of the way, but just let it take control for a little while, rather than trying to fight it off for as long as possible and realise that that's a, it's a losing game. I also want you to keep contact to a minimum. Um, I know that if you have been with this person for a long time, if you live with them, if you have a pet with them, if you have all the same friends, that is very, very hard, which is why I don't say, don't talk to them at all. Um, but really use your judgment here. You know that the more you talk to them, the harder it is for your brain to unlearn their presence in your life. There is the saying neurons that fire together, wire together.

• 35:20Jemma Sbeg?

  And there is all these pathways in your brain right now, associated with this person, that are very entrenched. And the more you continue to stay in contact with them and be around them and remember all the funny quirky things they did, the harder it is for those pathways to be paved over. The harder it is for new pathways to blossom in their place. So please keep contact to a minimum. Don't check up on them through friends. Get off social media for a while. Do a big, close your chat right at the beginning, give back all their stuff and then focus on you. This is you. This is your new chapter. Like this is your time, your period. This is like the year for you. They don't need to be part of

• 36:05Jemma Sbeg?

  it, even though they might feel, and might feed into this real deep nostalgia and love. And even though it's hard to disentangle yourself, like you need to make smart decisions for what you want in the future. And it's going to be harder for you to move on fully and not feel like this was a bad decision, if you keep letting them back in for a few seconds, a few minutes at a time. I also want you to go and do all your doctor's appointments. I want you to go to the dentist, I want you to get your hair cut. I want you to go and get like a physical, go and get your buzz done. Just do everything in terms of physical maintenance to really start this new chapter with a clean bill of health.

• 36:48Jemma Sbeg?

  To feel like, okay, cool, I've bookmarked the end of this, of this relationship. And this is the new beginning, like I feel healthy, I feel well. I'm doing everything that I need to do to make sure I'm in the best place I can be. And get like a fresh notebook and just start writing down everything that you're feeling about this next chapter. Like lean into how sacred this is, lean into how much you're gonna learn. Make it like a diary of a breakup, a diary of heartache, a diary of this relationship ending. That in six years' time or forty years' time, you'll find in a box somewhere and get to reminisce on. And get to feel proud of yourself that you walked away when you knew it was the right time.

• 37:30Jemma Sbeg?

  Or just allow yourself to see that you can endure pain and you can endure hard things. If you're suddenly sad about being single, I want you to remember that just because you're sad doesn't mean it was the right relationship. You know, feelings aren't a total reflection of reality. They can't predict things, they are not always an indication that you made the wrong choice. They are just a response to a choice. And remember, both options here were gonna be hard. Staying in that relationship would have been hard, leaving is hard. And so it's okay to be conflicted, but know that randomly thinking of them, randomly having them pop up in your mind,

• 38:10Jemma Sbeg?

  randomly missing them and feeling devastated, that is not an indication that you need to get back with them. This is just your body's natural response to grief. And it's just adjusting to something new. Please don't read anything more into that than it is. A really great trick that I personally used after my last relationship ended. When I was like feeling very sad about being single and was feeling very doomsday about it. It was called the two column technique and it's a CBT trick, so a cognitive behavioural therapy trick, where you write down your negative thoughts or your negative beliefs about the relationship ending or being single in one column.

• 38:51Jemma Sbeg?

  And then on the right column, the other column, you counter it with a positive true statement. So in the left column, you might write, I'm never going to find someone like them. And in the right column, you write, I won't find someone like them, but I'll find someone better suited. In the left column, you might write, this pain will never end. In the right column, you write, I know the pain won't last forever. I know that that's not how human emotion works and that one day I'll be thankful for this hard part of the journey because it's leading me somewhere better. There's going to be a lot of beliefs and fears that come up because this is new and this is raw and this is hard. Don't let them be the sole source of knowledge and reality for you.

• 39:32Jemma Sbeg?

  Don't let them lead you back to something that you know in your heart of hearts wasn't fulfilling. So that trick is incredibly useful. Also remember the first six months will always be the toughest. Even if you are having fun with it, there will be dark days. Slowly but surely, you will feel better. And there is a time coming up in the future where you're going to wake up and not immediately think about them. And you're going to be able to go on a date and not immediately compare them. And time has this funny way of like of healing you and sneaking up on you. It's going to happen slowly, slowly, slowly, and then all at once you will feel a whole lot better.

• 40:14Jemma Sbeg?

  And you'll feel ready to find someone new and serious. And that kind of brings me to the next question people ask me. When do I know I'm ready to seriously date again? Listen, I can't give you a specific number of weeks. I can't give you a specific number of months or days. It's very objective, but I can give you a feeling that works as a sign.

• 40:38Jemma Sbeg?

  So when you think about them and you don't wanna cry, you don't wanna call them, you don't wanna get back at them, you don't want them to know that you're dating, that's when you are allowed to start dating again. When you feel a deeper sense of peace and clarity over the relationship ending, rather than pain and fury, that's when you can date again. Two other questions to ask yourself. Do you feel strong enough to handle rejection or things not working out? And do you feel over your breakup enough that you could be all in with someone if something new that had potential landed in your lap, if a new person came along? Would you be ready? You know, working on yourself is a never ending process.

• 41:22Jemma Sbeg?

  And as long as you have taken some time to really know yourself, as long as you are being honest about what you want, as long as you know what you previously compromised on and you know what mistakes you won't make again, you're ready to date, go and have some fun with it. You know, you've done the long term relationship thing, you have known committed love. Just see what other versions of love might be out there. You know, hypothetically, I always think this when I'm freshly single or feeling terrible about being single. I always used to think, you know, if I knew I was gonna meet my soulmate in six months' time, what would I wanna experience before then?

• 42:04Jemma Sbeg?

  And that is a really great way and a really great hypothetical that will help you live your life in accordance with how you imagined this era being. And it's this six month period, this hypothetical six month window that makes you see what an opportunity being single is. And it makes you really pose the question like, what do I wanna get out of this? How can I get the most out of this? Okay, we are gonna take a short break. But in just a minute, we're gonna return with some juicy listener questions and dilemmas about the end of long term relationships, about breakups, about this second puberty that we go through after the significant end of something significant. So stay with us, we'll be right back after this short break.

• 42:53Jemma Sbeg?

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• 43:34Jemma Sbeg?

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• 44:16Jemma Sbeg?

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• 44:38Jemma Sbeg?

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• 45:23Jemma Sbeg?

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• 46:05Jemma Sbeg?

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• 46:52Jemma Sbeg?

  So I think that this topic got the most amount of listener questions that I've ever gotten for an episode. Maybe that is comforting for you. If you are currently going through a breakup in your twenties, there are a lot of people who are going through something quite similar and who have a lot of questions around identity, around loneliness, around being single and how much it sucks, but also how to embrace it. So I've actually ended up choosing, I think, seven listener questions when we normally do four, just because there were so many good ones. We're gonna start out with this first question. Why do we continue these relationships for longer when we knew it was going nowhere? Why do we continue and stay

• 47:37Jemma Sbeg?

  in long-term relationships in our twenties, even when we know they're not the right person? I think that it's really driven by fear and it might not feel like fear in the moment, it might not feel intense, but it is fear. It's a fear of loneliness, it's a fear of regret. The fear of regret is really the big one. I think that a lot of us don't know, whether it's intuition or anxiety, that is driving the car. And so when we have someone who is good, not great, we think, well, if I walk away and I realize he was actually amazing and it was actually my anxiety all along, what if I can't get that relationship

• 48:21Jemma Sbeg?

  back and I regret leaving them? What if I can't find someone better? It's this idea of like, is this it? And if this is it, I don't want to walk away from this person. I don't want to be single. I don't want to realize that I made a huge mistake. I also think that it's us delaying the pain. Breaking up with someone is like standing at the start of the marathon and being like, okay, I've got to do this and knowing it's gonna hurt and knowing that it's gonna suck and knowing that you have to do it anyways. It's this huge feeling of like, oh my God, I'm signing up for something significant and I'm signing up for,

• 49:07Jemma Sbeg?

  like I'm subjecting myself to a painful reality for the next however many months. And you know, as humans, we want to avoid that sometimes. But I always say this, you know, avoiding pain now is just delaying pain and dissatisfaction into the future. And if this person is meant to be with you and you do break up, you will find your way back together. I promise you, I promise you, you will, you will find your way back together. Because if you break up with them and you're like, wow, like I really miss them. And they're like, I really miss you too. You know, maybe that's the confirmation you need. And if you break up with them and then neither of you really miss each other

• 49:49Jemma Sbeg?

  or neither of you really feel like you're meant to be back together, then it's not meant to be. Also, I just think that it shouldn't take breaking up with someone to realize that you want them in your life. And you really only get one shot at life. And do you really want to spend it with someone who you were not entirely excited about? And who was not entirely excited by you? I'm not saying you have to listen to every single doubt that comes through your head about a relationship. Because I know sometimes they're definitely fueled by anxiety and worry and and fear and all these other things that might be misplaced.

• 50:28Jemma Sbeg?

  But if you look at them and you don't feel excited and proud to be with them, I don't think you should be with them. All right, the second question, should I reach out to check on them after not talking for a year or not? Uh, no, no, you should not. That's gonna be my blanket answer. I will provide some more nuance, though. I really need you to question your intentions. What are you really trying to get out of this conversation? What do you really need to know from them that's gonna help you in the future? If this person is no longer in your life, and if you believe they don't have a place in your future, I think that going and talking to them is you just relapsing. It's you just opening old wounds.

• 51:14Jemma Sbeg?

  I think that it is a challenge that I'm gonna, I'm gonna sound a bit spiritual, but I really do think that the urge is a challenge that the universe or something has given you to say, or your own mind has given you to say, okay, are you really over this person? Here's the last hurdle. Like, don't do the check-in. Don't do the check-in. It's just, I think, the final battle, the final frontier of you getting over them. And you've done so much work. It is going to bring you back. It is going to make you remember them and feel nostalgic and miss them. So please don't do it. You have done too much work up to this point to let this undo it all. I understand that you are probably very sad about the idea that this person

• 51:59Jemma Sbeg?

  is never gonna be in your life again and is gone from your life. And that's really, really devastating at times, but they're not gone. Like, they taught you a lot of lessons. You still have all the memories. Maybe one day you'll run into, run into each other in the street and it will be beautiful and that will be your closure. But for now, don't message them, don't check in.

• 52:21Jemma Sbeg?

  All right, question number three. I feel pressured by my biological clock to stay with my current partner. Is there a way to get over this? Uh I definitely understand this. I have this huge fear of getting to the point where I wanna have kids and something happens and I'm not able to. I think it's a unique fear for women, right? If a family is something that you see in your future, um you kind of, you need a guy for that. You need, and hopefully, you you want someone who you love and who you wanna co-parent with and who would be a good parent and a good partner. And so sometimes it can be like, oh my god, like, um I need this final puzzle piece, I need this final key. And so if I want a family

• 53:04Jemma Sbeg?

  and this guy, he was here, is the only way to get one, even if he's not the perfect guy, like, I'll just settle for that. What has brought me a lot of peace, though, is understanding how much technology is out there now. How many women are having children later and later? How many women um are having really successful and healthy um pregnancies when they're older? You know, it's no longer the norm that people have kids at twenty two and twenty five. Like, there is so much more room for for new timelines. You know, my mom had my sister when she was forty two. For me, that is seventeen years away. That's a whole lifetime. Seventeen years. Like, I could have a child now and that child almost be an adult and then have another child when that child is like about to graduate high school.

• 53:47Jemma Sbeg?

  I I think we need to talk more about I think we need a better conversation around pregnancy and childbirth, not just being something that is for young women, it's something that is for women in general, even if they are older, like they can still have successful pregnancies and still have very healthy children. And I sometimes think that this idea of like your biological clock running out is somewhat a way to control women and somewhat a way to make them settle. Just remember that, like, if you're single right now and you're worried about oh my god, am I gonna find someone, am I gonna find someone? Like, you have so much time and your relationship status could change at any moment, at any minute, the right person

• 54:31Jemma Sbeg?

  could walk through the door and you wanna make sure that the door is open for them and you haven't closed it because you grabbed the first person who came knocking, you know what I mean? Like, I think it's better to wait for the right person who you really wanna start a beautiful family with than to just take what's out there. Just enjoy the chapter you're in right now. I there are so many ways to be a mother. Having biological children is one of them, but even if that doesn't happen for you. You know, there are just so many other ways you can mother friends, you can mother your children's friends, you can mother foster animals. You can be a foster parent, like in Australia right now, there's so, there's such a need for foster parents. You can adopt children, like there are so many other ways to be a mother and to have a family these days.

• 55:16Jemma Sbeg?

  Don't let biological clock be the reason that you settle the relationship that you have. Like, there's so much science that says who you end up with, who you marry, who you have children with is such a predictor of your wellbeing and your life satisfaction and your life expectancy. So take it seriously. It's very, very important, even if you have other priorities. All right, this fourth question, why did I feel completely over my five year relationship within a week after ending things? So I don't know whether this person has just broken up with their partner or has been broken up for a while. I think if you've just broken up with them and you're like, I feel great, it's probably just shock.

• 55:58Jemma Sbeg?

  Um, I remember breaking up with my first serious boyfriend and I was like, I'm over it, I'm fine for the first three months. And then it was like, whoop, delayed reaction set in. So I think it's just shock if you've just broken up with them, but if not, and if you're a little bit down the line, it may have been that you had already checked out. You may not have known it, you probably do know this though, you had already checked out of the relationship. You'd already tried to make it work and it wasn't working. You had already found the closure while you were still with the person. You were already imagining what you were gonna do after you'd broken up. You were already processing what it would mean to lose them. You were already imagining your life without them.

• 56:40Jemma Sbeg?

  You were already, yeah, essentially getting through it before you were going through it. I think that's probably the explanation. It's not a weird thing at all. People handle grief and loss and heartache so differently. But I think what has most likely happened is either you are in shock or you have already done, yeah, you've basically already found closure and you've already checked out whilst you were in the relationship without even realising it. Alright, question number five. I'm worried it will always hurt this bad and I'll never find someone who loves me as well as they did. What do I do? I want you to remember that humans are really tough creatures.

• 57:21Jemma Sbeg?

  They adapt and they survive terrible things and you will survive this. The wound right now is so raw and it's so painful and you are, you are at the beginning of a very long journey, but you have no choice but to make this journey. At the beginning, you are going to be angry, you're gonna be resentful and annoyed and frustrated by the fact you have to make this journey. You're gonna maybe sit and cry for a few days on the side of the mountain, but then slowly you'll get in a groove and you'll start noticing things that are nice about the journey and you'll realise it's actually really teaching you things and strengthening you and pretty soon you'll just be on the journey for you. Like, the beginning is frustrating and it's hard, but you will find someone new. I promise you that right now. Maybe not right away, maybe not in the next few years, but you will.

• 58:06Jemma Sbeg?

  And you'll realise how special this time of knowing yourself really was. Remember, again, there are people who marry their version of the person that you just broke up with and they avoid short-term pain for a dissatisfaction that catches up with them years later. So you have done your future self a huge, huge favour. You have endured the pain for them now and I do believe a big love is coming for you and, and love also comes in so many forms. Maybe right now, this is not the period in your life for romantic love. It's the period for platonic love or familial love or love from a, from a pet or love from strangers. Romantic love in, in other people's lives looks really great from the outside and often we idealise what they have,

• 58:51Jemma Sbeg?

  but it is hard, it is challenging and it takes work. And so there will come a time when you will have to prioritise that, when you will have to make sacrifices for someone else, when you will have the joy of being in romantic love again, but until then this is a beautiful period where you can love yourself, you can love others. Take it for what it is. This chapter is just as important as any other chapter.

• 59:17Jemma Sbeg?

  Final question, what do you do when your ex has moved on? This is super tough and I know it's tough because this has happened to me in every single relationship I've been in. Within three months, the person I have dated is with someone new and I have never been with someone new. When that has happened and it's been, always been painful. I now consider it an absolute blessing. I consider. I consider it just, I'm so grateful for it because it is the universe closing the door for me by putting someone else in my way. And I just think that. Lucky them, congrats to them, they've found someone else, maybe it's a rebound, maybe it's not. It's indicative that you are taking time to heal and to do the work and they are probably not doing that.

• 1:00:03Jemma Sbeg?

  If someone has rebounded almost immediately after you guys have broken up. They're not over it, they're not fine, they are not okay, this is a distraction and. You could be in a relationship if you wanted, like very easily, you could easily be in a relationship if you. Settled and lowered your standards enough, but you're not doing that, you're doing the hard work and that is. Uh, that is an investment that pays off in dividends. I have an episode on this titled, Your Ex Moved On Now What? I would really recommend that you listen to that episode. In general, I also have another episode titled, How To Get Over Someone You Can't Stop Thinking About? That I think is really good for these situations, but.

• 1:00:45Jemma Sbeg?

  All in all, if you've just ended a long-term relationship in your twenties, I feel you, I see you. I know it is so difficult, I know that it is probably so disorientating right now, you're holding these. Two versions of yourself in either hand and trying to figure out. Who you were before, who you are now, who you wanna be, but you will get there and this is a beautiful. Chapter in your life and one day you are going to be sleeping next to someone that you love. And they're gonna be snoring and the bed's gonna be too small and. Your kids are gonna be screaming and you'll just want one more night alone, exactly how you are right now.

• 1:01:24Jemma Sbeg?

  So appreciate it, uh, be grateful for it, know that love is gonna come for you, it's gonna find you and in the meantime. Love yourself enough for that to be enough, love yourself enough for that to fill. The void and to fill what was perhaps left by this previous person. So I hope you enjoyed this episode. I hope that it brought you some peace, some clarity, some answers, some cool facts, if nothing else. Share it with a friend who you think maybe I would resonate or share it to your Instagram story. I love seeing where everyone is listening from. Make sure that you are following along on Instagram at that psychology podcast. If you want to be able to send in your own listener questions, you guys had some fantastic questions

• 1:02:07Jemma Sbeg?

  today. They were so good, so fun to answer. But until next time, stay safe, be kind, be gentle with yourself. I love you. Good luck and we will talk very, very soon.

• 1:02:26Jemma Sbeg?

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• 1:03:03Jemma Sbeg?

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