Stop Sabotaging Your Relationships & Do This Instead w/ Mel Robbins EP 1337

Mel Robbins became one of the most trusted experts in the world on confidence and motivation the hard way: by first screwing up her own life. A New York Times Bestselling author and self-publishing phenom, Mel’s work includes The High 5 Habit, The 5 Second Rule, and the #1 ranking The Mel Robbins Podcast. As one of the most widely booked and followed podcast hosts and authors in the world, she’s sought after by the world’s leading brands and medical professionals for her research-backed tools and motivation. In this episode you will learn, The common mistakes that couples make in their relationships. Why you should wait for sexual intimacy in your relationship. About the connection between sex and our mental health. The steps to prevent resentment in your relationship. For more, go to lewishowes.com/1337Check out Mel’s past episodes! The High 5 Habit & The Secret To Motivation: https://link.chtbl.com/1170-podThe “Secret” Mindset Habit to Building Confidence and Overcoming Scarcity: https://link.chtbl.com/970-podhttps://link.chtbl.com/970-pod Get more from Lewis! Get my New York Times Bestselling book, Make Money Easy! Get The Greatness Mindset audiobook on SpotifyText Lewis AIYouTubeInstagramWebsiteTiktokFacebookX

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Mel Robbins?

  The wrong relationship magnifies your insecurity. At the heart of all your interpersonal issues with anybody else is your own inability to...

• 0:11Lewis Howes?

  Welcome to the School of Greatness. My name is Lewis Howes, a former pro athlete turned lifestyle entrepreneur. And each week, we bring you an inspiring person or message to help you discover how to unlock your inner greatness. Thanks for spending some time with me today. Now let the class begin.

• 0:36Lewis Howes?

  What are three things that you would tell, you know, the male of 26 years ago before getting married? To set yourself up, if you could say three things that you wish you could have done, not wish you could have done differently, but if you could just coach yourself then? And say, you know what? There's going to be amazing times, there's going to be challenges. But if you could work on these three things now, it'll really minimize a lot of stress or heartache or confusion or frustration that might occur in those 26 years. What would those three things be? In order to have just more harmony consistently?

• 1:09Mel Robbins?

  Wow.

• 1:10Lewis Howes?

  Knowing that there's going to be challenges and there's no perfect marriage or relationship?

• 1:13Mel Robbins?

  Oh, God, no.

• 1:14Lewis Howes?

  But what would be the three things to create more harmony moving forward?

• 1:20Mel Robbins?

  Number one, if you can afford it.

• 1:23Lewis Howes?

  Yeah. What, therapy?

• 1:25Mel Robbins?

  Get into therapy now as a couple. And I'll come back to that. The second thing is, work on your own.

• 1:38Mel Robbins?

  Because the secret to a happy relationship is you being happy.

• 1:44Lewis Howes?

  Mm-hmm.

• 1:46Mel Robbins?

  And the person that you're with, being a happy person. That's like, like, somebody once said to me, "You want to know the secret to a happy marriage, Mel?" I said, "What is it?" He said, "Marry somebody who's happy."

• 1:58Lewis Howes?

  So true. Otherwise, you're always trying to coach someone to become happy.

• 2:01Mel Robbins?

  Correct. And so, I feel like therapy is incredible because a lot of successful relationships, and I would put Chris and I in this category. A lot of successful relationships that go the distance, go the distance because you're good at the logistics. You're good at the doing. And if you are together for a long time, what's gonna happen is you're gonna go through multiple chapters together. And you're gonna go through all different phases of growth together. And if you have pets, or you have children, or you have a lot of family around,

• 2:42Mel Robbins?

  you're also going to have other individuals that are part of your relationship. And if you go the distance, there's a lot going on. Especially when you add kids, especially when you add pets, especially when you add two different careers, right? Or your own personal growth. And so Chris and I are extraordinary at like launching a business, building or renovating a house, like figuring out the school calendar, and when people and the logistics and getting the dog to the vet and making sure that this happens and all of that stuff that is an essential part of being together, the doing of life. But what happens over time,

• 3:26Mel Robbins?

  if you don't have rituals that help you grow together or help you unpack the small that you bury, is that you find yourself sequestered from one another emotionally.

• 3:36Lewis Howes?

  Mm-hmm.

• 3:37Mel Robbins?

  And

• 3:37Lewis Howes?

  Kind of just going through the motions.

• 3:38Mel Robbins?

  Yeah, and I wouldn't even call it roommates. I think it's something deeper. I think in the beginning of your relationship, there's this like tunnel of intimacy where you're sharing everything. And, and literally like going to the grocery store together is the hottest date on the planet, right? Because the energy, the vitality, the electricity, that all that stuff is flying. And then there's this next phase where getting to know somebody emotionally is intoxicating. What are they thinking and what's their background? And what are all the things they're not talking about? And kind of getting in that level. But then you start building a life and doing life.

• 4:19Mel Robbins?

  And you no longer hit the pause button to truly find out what is this person thinking about? What have they not said? And so I think therapy, number one, or moments to grow together.

• 4:35Lewis Howes?

  Yep.

• 4:35Mel Robbins?

  Because Chris and I used to take classes together. We used to go on these adventure trips together. And then life got very, very busy and with two businesses and kids and all this. You don't slow down long enough. And it's not even really about date night. Date night is a construct. So that you slow down and you come out of your emotional corners and you connect at a deeper level. Yeah. And so that is what therapy has provided for Chris and I. The second thing was the happiness. Yeah. Working on your own happiness. Because if you're not a happy person, the easiest person to attack is your intimate partner. It's the person you love the most. Correct. Like, think about when you're a kid.

• 5:20Mel Robbins?

  You have to hold your [BLEEP] together at school. You have to, like, look good for your friends. You have to, like, stick it out at that job that you had as a teenager that you couldn't stand. But when you come home, you can, you snap at your mom, you might be rude to your dad, you ignore your brothers and sisters, you let it all hang out with them. And we do that with our intimate partners. And so if you're not taking care of your own happiness, you're gonna vomit your baggage at the person who loves you most. So that's it. And then the third thing is, um, and I'm absolutely guilty of that. I think, like, honestly, people have been asking me a lot about, uh, just my marriage

• 6:04Mel Robbins?

  because I've been in, I've been married for 26 years. Like, how do you go the distance? How do you go the distance? I feel that one of the things that I also got wrong is I didn't remind myself enough what a kind and caring person Chris is. And that I, you know, I, I am guilty of also, like, attacking Chris when I've been really unhappy. And, you know, I will unpack a lot of this stuff because, you know, Chris and I have

• 6:46Mel Robbins?

  been in, like, intense therapy for the last, intense meaning it's been intensely awesome. Yeah. But it's profound how much my coping mechanism with stress was the exact opposite of Chris's. So when I feel stressed out or anxious, Louis, I go into hyperdrive. I like, go, go, go, go, go. Because I feel safer when I'm busy. Okay? My husband...

• 7:19Mel Robbins?

  Goes into the corner and thinks.

• 7:21Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 7:22Mel Robbins?

  And what ends up happening over time is your relationships are an opportunity to truly heal the that doesn't work if you're willing to work together on it. And so what happened over time for us is the more I became successful, the more I did, the more I was solving problems and taking care of this in 15 steps ahead, the more reinforced to Chris, well, she doesn't need me. And what if I were to make the dinner reservation, she's gonna just probably have made a different one anyway. And meanwhile, I'm over here in my emotional corner going, why is nobody planning a birthday party for me?

• 8:06Mel Robbins?

  Why am I the one that's always like doing everything? When is somebody else gonna come? And Chris is over here going, I'm not needed.

• 8:15Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, like I've tried, but then you just, you say you don't want it, or you change the plans, or so it's like, after a while, it's like, why am I even trying to do anything?

• 8:22Mel Robbins?

  Correct. And here's where we make a major mistake. We have a breakdown that's at the surface level. So I'll give you an example. This is a really dumb example, but I think every couple might be able to relate to this. So you know how you get a lot of cardboard boxes?

• 8:38Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 8:39Mel Robbins?

  From Amazon. Amazon boxes that arrive at your house or your apartment. Everybody now orders stuff online. So I get boxes. I unpack the boxes. And then I have this little thing where I'm like, I might need to ship it back. So I don't.

• 8:55Lewis Howes?

  You keep the box?

• 8:57Mel Robbins?

  Yep, by the door.

• 8:59Lewis Howes?

  I gotta throw it away right away.

• 9:00Mel Robbins?

  Well, Chris does too. And he also does not want the box to go into the garage. We need to slice it down and flatten it.

• 9:08Lewis Howes?

  Recycle it or get rid of it?

• 9:09Mel Robbins?

  Yes, but you have to flatten it for the garbage folks up in southern Vermont to pick it up.

• 9:15Lewis Howes?

  Gotcha.

• 9:16Mel Robbins?

  So I would make a Jenga puzzle, right at the top, like right by the door of the garage. And when Chris would walk in, because he's asked me several times, can you please just freaking slice and flatten the boxes and take it out to the recycling? That's where it goes. And I have this intention that, okay, I'll do that tomorrow because after I like look at this stuff, I might ship it back and I might need the box. And then the truth is, I hate flattening boxes. I don't want to flatten boxes.

• 9:44Lewis Howes?

  Sure.

• 9:44Mel Robbins?

  And so I don't do it. And every time Chris sees the Jenga puzzle of boxes, he silently feels like I think he's my maid. And at a surface level, and this is what everybody does, at a surface level, we argue about the boxes. At a deeper level, that's not getting resolved, is the fact that my partner has asked me to do something. But he's asked me to do something at sort of a physical surface level. He has not said to me. When I see that, Mel, it actually triggers something from my childhood. My parents were never home.

• 10:29Mel Robbins?

  Nobody came to my games.

• 10:33Mel Robbins?

  I was a latchkey kid. When I would walk in that door, hoping somebody was home, and I opened up the door and there was nobody there, I felt like my needs did not matter.

• 10:46Mel Robbins?

  And when I see the boxes stacked, and I've asked you twice to do that, and you still don't do it, it's re-triggering that. And over the course of his childhood, it didn't matter what he said. The behavior of the adults didn't change. And so, we step into these relationships with people, with friends, and with, you know, your lover, and it becomes literally a magnifier of the things you have not resolved. And so, Chris, of course, picked somebody like me, who was like his father. Super busy, very successful, you know, has a very dominant, kind of domineering, fun, lovely, like likable, but just like driven.

• 11:29Mel Robbins?

  And Chris feels like that invisible kid deep down, in many ways. And me, I'm like the same way. Like, I picked somebody to marry that's like my dad, who is very quiet, who I wish would see more of me, who was, you know, amazing person. But, you know, my mom was the, kind of, the big personality in the house. And, you know, I sought attention from my dad, but he was the quiet one. And so, we are now in this marriage where if you don't do the deeper work... Those patterns that make you miserable become even more solidified. And you become emotionally distant. And so I would tell me, back to your original question 20 minutes ago.

• 12:14Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 12:15Mel Robbins?

  I would tell myself, I would remind myself that Chris is a really kind person. Who just wants to be loved. Like, take care of him. Listen to him. Slow down a little bit. That's what I would say.

• 12:31Lewis Howes?

  That's cool.

• 12:32Mel Robbins?

  Yeah.

• 12:33Lewis Howes?

  Was that number three?

• 12:34Mel Robbins?

  I don't know. I think so. Yeah, it was, it was literally like, find these moments to step on the brake.

• 12:40Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 12:41Mel Robbins?

  And to grow or connect together at an emotional level. And that can be done through a class.

• 12:47Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 12:48Mel Robbins?

  It can be done through a hike. I'll give you another thing that we do that I absolutely love. Second thing is really happiness and working on your own happiness is super important. Really, really, really important. We spend too much time trying to fix other people. And when you focus on doing the work to make yourself happy. That's the answer, in my opinion. Because you then bring a happy person into a relationship. And then the third thing is to really remind yourself that at our core. Everybody is a kind person that wants to be loved. I believe.

• 13:23Lewis Howes?

  Yeah. Do you think love alone is enough to keep a relationship or a marriage going?

• 13:32Mel Robbins?

  If you... Love alone is enough, yes. If you operate as if love is a verb. So love is not a feeling, it's an action. And it needs to be demonstrated. It needs to be communicated. And it's more than your felt experience. And it's interesting because both of our daughters who are in their twenties. Are now in, you know, kind of committed relationships. Which is a whole different episode that you should do. Because trying to understand, okay, wait, you're intimate, but you're not exclusive. Okay, got it. Now you're exclusive, okay, got it.

• 14:17Mel Robbins?

  Oh, you've met the parents and you hang out all the time, but you're not dating? Like, what does that mean? And so kind of getting the vernacular down has been really interesting. Yeah.

• 14:29Mel Robbins?

  But what's really interesting about it for me is I've recently met both of their partners. And they're like, "Did you like him?" And I said, "It's actually not about him at all. I like who you are."

• 14:43Lewis Howes?

  How do you feel with them?

• 14:44Mel Robbins?

  Correct. Like as your parent, as your mom, I see this person amplify the best parts of you. And what's interesting is I think you don't know what it feels like to be loved in the way that you need to be loved until it happens. There's a huge mismatch that happens for all of us. And I think a lot of us experience that mismatch with parents. Your parents may be amazing people, but there's just this disconnect because maybe your dad loves football, but you like theater. Or your mom loves classical music, but you like alt-rock. And you feel like, you know, or maybe your parents are sort of not that loving,

• 15:28Mel Robbins?

  not that like affectionate, not that complimentary. They're more of a kind of tough-love generation. And so as a kid, you feel this mismatch, right? Where you don't feel safe. You don't feel like you're getting the emotional support that you need. There's this sense of being separate. And this sense of yearning for attention and like the kind of emotional language and support that you need, but you're not getting it. And that's certainly the case if you've had a childhood where a parent was absent or abandoned you, or there's abuse or mental illness, or there's chaos, or whatever. That is definitely a mismatch.

• 16:10Mel Robbins?

  But in most cases, there's a mismatch, period. I mean, if you've watched Lewis's show or listened to, you know, The School of Greatness, you've heard all about the five love languages. We all give and receive love in different ways.

• 16:26Mel Robbins?

  And so you could have a parent that loves you with everything that they have, but they only have this cup worth of love to give.

• 16:34Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 16:34Mel Robbins?

  And you need the size of this table. That's a mismatch.

• 16:38Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 16:38Mel Robbins?

  That's a mismatch. You might be somebody who needed your parents to praise you, and they weren't that type of person. That's a mismatch.

• 16:46Lewis Howes?

  Mm-hmm.

• 16:46Mel Robbins?

  And so that creates this experience of separation. It also creates this deep longing to be seen. And so you start chasing love and you start chasing people, right?

• 16:56Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 16:57Mel Robbins?

  And so I feel that a lot of us, because of our experience as a kid, of not actually getting a complete, secure, fully seen, fully... Because who on earth could do that? There are moments, dude, I'm a complete mismatch for my three kids.

• 17:14Lewis Howes?

  Hmm.

• 17:16Mel Robbins?

  Complete mismatch!

• 17:16Lewis Howes?

  Because they need love in different ways.

• 17:18Mel Robbins?

  Of cour... at different times!

• 17:19Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 17:20Mel Robbins?

  And maybe I was... Or I said it the wrong way, or whatever. Or I gave them advice instead of listening.

• 17:25Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 17:26Mel Robbins?

  Or I corrected them instead of affirming what they were doing. You know what I'm saying?

• 17:30Lewis Howes?

  Uh-huh.

• 17:31Mel Robbins?

  And so that's a mismatch. It creates this feeling of being separate from a person that you want to feel deeply connected to. And so in all of our love relationships, so many of us stay in relationships that are complete mismatches. And I think most relationships are.

• 17:48Lewis Howes?

  Mm-hmm.

• 17:49Mel Robbins?

  Unless you're willing to do the deeper work.

• 17:52Lewis Howes?

  Why do you think people stay in relationships that are not a good match?

• 17:55Mel Robbins?

  Because it feels familiar. Two reasons. You're either subconsciously repeating a pattern from childhood. Right? So it's not surprising that Chris would be attracted to a woman that's very driven.

• 18:14Lewis Howes?

  Mm-hmm.

• 18:14Mel Robbins?

  Because his experience of love came from his parents.

• 18:19Lewis Howes?

  And you were attracted to him.

• 18:21Mel Robbins?

  Yes.

• 18:21Lewis Howes?

  Based on your...

• 18:22Mel Robbins?

  Experience of love. My dad was a quiet guy. Is a quiet guy. And is, you know, very adoring of my mom. And... but very quiet.

• 18:34Mel Robbins?

  And so that's who I was drawn toward. You are drawn toward the parent. This is my personal theory. You're drawn most toward the parent that whose attention and affection you were chasing and approval you were chasing. And so I think a lot of, because a lot of people are like, why would you stay in an abusive relationship? Well, because your first experience of love had abuse in it.

• 18:56Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 18:56Mel Robbins?

  And so all the chemicals and neurons, and I'm sure there's science around this. I'm sure tons of it. I'm sure Dr. Dispenza probably talks about this. It just is a match for what you experienced.

• 19:08Lewis Howes?

  For what you're familiar with.

• 19:09Mel Robbins?

  Yeah, why do you speak English, Louis?

• 19:12Lewis Howes?

  It's what I learned growing up.

• 19:13Mel Robbins?

  Correct.

• 19:13Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 19:14Mel Robbins?

  Same thing. Same thing.

• 19:16Lewis Howes?

  It's, it's easy. It's comfortable.

• 19:19Mel Robbins?

  Well, not only that, your brain recognizes it. So your brain, like your body, the sensation of whatever love is supposed to be is a match from experiences in childhood.

• 19:30Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 19:31Mel Robbins?

  And so we're not even really choosing it. I think that most of us are just unconscious to these patterns.

• 19:38Lewis Howes?

  Yeah. I've got a seven, a seven-part theory.

• 19:43Mel Robbins?

  Oh, tell me.

• 19:43Lewis Howes?

  To healthy, conscious love.

• 19:45Mel Robbins?

  Okay, tell me.

• 19:46Lewis Howes?

  And now this is only, you know, this is after 15, 20 years of relationships that didn't work because of me being the common denominator of who I chose in certain, certain situations. And realizing like, okay, if I want to really experience something beautiful and healthy and conscious and thriving, then I must do things differently myself. I must become a new person and attract a better match.

• 20:10Mel Robbins?

  Yeah.

• 20:11Lewis Howes?

  That works for me.

• 20:11Mel Robbins?

  Yeah.

• 20:12Lewis Howes?

  So seven, seven keys to conscious love. And I'm, and I'm just over a year of a healthy relationship. Right? So I get it. Everyone listening or watching, you know, I don't have kids, I don't have, not married yet, all these different things that could cause more. Friction in the future, potentially. But I think starting the relationship in this way has been really powerful.

• 20:34Mel Robbins?

  Tell me, dude, you're like, I'm like, come on.

• 20:35Lewis Howes?

  So here are my seven keys. Give me, let me know if you think I, if, give me, if there's any holes here. The first step is, like you said, healing yourself first. Working on the healing journey yourself. And be willing to go so deep to, to get to a place where no memory makes you triggered anymore. Every wound from the past, from the first memory until now. And re-watching the stories and looking at the stories that we tell ourselves and then learning to tell different stories. Healing, forgiving, acceptance, all that stuff. To have wholeness right now.

• 21:11Mel Robbins?

  Yeah.

• 21:11Lewis Howes?

  Becoming whole before you enter a relationship. That's step one. That may take time. Step two is, I really believe the love language match is a thing. Cause everyone that I had, had chosen to date before, we didn't match up on love languages.

• 21:27Mel Robbins?

  So there's a mismatch thing. Cause I saw you going like this.

• 21:30Lewis Howes?

  We had, we had, you know, chemical match. There was like some type of chemicals. There was like this connection or, or whatever feeling.

• 21:38Mel Robbins?

  Yep.

• 21:38Lewis Howes?

  But it wasn't a good life match, right? And so it tricked me because it was like, there was this attraction, but it wasn't healthy long after a few months, right? So making sure that our love languages line up. With me and Martha, all five are in the same order.

• 21:56Mel Robbins?

  Wow.

• 21:56Lewis Howes?

  So I don't have to do something that I normally don't do to make, to let someone feel loved by me.

• 22:02Mel Robbins?

  See, now this is interesting.

• 22:04Lewis Howes?

  And it's, so it makes it more effortless. It doesn't mean it's not intentional and I still have to show up in a big way. But I do things naturally that makes her feel loved.

• 22:13Mel Robbins?

  That's beautiful.

• 22:14Lewis Howes?

  So it's just a little bit easier.

• 22:15Mel Robbins?

  We were a mismatch, Chris and I. Cause he is acts of service and here I am stacking the boxes.

• 22:20Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 22:21Mel Robbins?

  Right? And I'm like words of affirmation.

• 22:24Lewis Howes?

  And he's quiet.

• 22:25Mel Robbins?

  Yes.

• 22:26Lewis Howes?

  And you're like, ah.

• 22:27Mel Robbins?

  Yes.

• 22:28Lewis Howes?

  I hear you.

• 22:28Mel Robbins?

  And we're arguing about this stuff. When really, if you're gonna close the gap on a mismatch.

• 22:35Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 22:36Mel Robbins?

  And I love the wholeness, let me add something to this. If you're willing, both of you, your relationship can be the container for healing.

• 22:46Lewis Howes?

  Absolutely.

• 22:47Mel Robbins?

  And that is the most beautiful aspect of a relationship.

• 22:52Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, if you haven't gotten whole yet, but you're already in a relationship, then find wholeness throughout it.

• 22:56Mel Robbins?

  Yeah.

• 22:56Lewis Howes?

  But if you're single, I think, do some healing work before you enter the next relationship.

• 23:02Mel Robbins?

  Yes, yes.

• 23:03Lewis Howes?

  So that's, that's step one, uh, step one and two. Step three, four, and five is values, vision, and lifestyle. When we first started dating after a couple of months, you know, I was, both of us were so honest about what are our values? What is our vision? What is our lifestyle?

• 23:20Mel Robbins?

  How did you figure out your values? Cause that's actually a hard question.

• 23:24Lewis Howes?

  We went to, we, I took her to Sedona for a weekend. And I took her to a vortex. Have you been to Sedona?

• 23:31Mel Robbins?

  You mean like to like the miraval or something?

• 23:33Lewis Howes?

  There's like a like different like rock shapes.

• 23:36Mel Robbins?

  Leylands, right? The Leylands vortex?

• 23:39Lewis Howes?

  Where is that?

• 23:39Mel Robbins?

  In the Sedona Valley.

• 23:40Lewis Howes?

  Okay, yeah, yeah.

• 23:41Mel Robbins?

  Yeah, they're in the valley that I live in too, dude.

• 23:43Lewis Howes?

  Are they? Yeah, exactly. So we went there to like one of these vortex like rock formations. We climbed up top.

• 23:49Mel Robbins?

  Okay.

• 23:49Lewis Howes?

  I played music and I said, we're gonna do an exercise together. And we both had a different notebook and I said, I want you to take five minutes. I played some, you know, heart opening music and I said, um, I want you to make a list of things that are most important to you. The values in your life, the things that are really important to you. And, you know, this is gonna be a determining factor of whether we really move forward in a lot of life. After a couple of months of us dating.

• 24:13Mel Robbins?

  Dude, you're intense.

• 24:15Lewis Howes?

  I'm, you know, when you go through enough pain and suffering of choosing poorly, you know, not these people were bad people. I chose what didn't work for me.

• 24:23Mel Robbins?

  Yep.

• 24:24Lewis Howes?

  And so it caused suffering inside of me.

• 24:26Mel Robbins?

  Yep.

• 24:26Lewis Howes?

  Cause I kept trying to force things to work that weren't the right fit.

• 24:29Mel Robbins?

  I love it.

• 24:30Lewis Howes?

  So I was just like, I don't wanna freaking repeat this pattern, you know, the same pattern. So I gotta do different things. I gotta become different and do different things.

• 24:37Mel Robbins?

  Yes, I love this.

• 24:38Lewis Howes?

  So we did an exercise, she wrote her list, then I did five minutes of my own separate. I didn't see what she wrote and I said, okay, let's share. And thankfully, you know, there was alignment on pretty much everything. You know, 80% of the things we wrote down were like the exact same words and then

• 24:55Mel Robbins?

  Yep.

• 24:55Lewis Howes?

  The extra 20%, I was like, oh yeah, that makes sense and cool. Do what you wanna do there and that's fine. I have nothing against these things. So we got clear on our values and our vision. What is our vision for a relationship in the future? What do we both want to create as a relationship together? Personal values and then shared vision in the relationship. We did that. And then lifestyle was the next thing. This is, I think, huge because.

• 25:20Mel Robbins?

  How do you define lifestyle?

• 25:21Lewis Howes?

  Lifestyle for me is like, you know, I travel. I like to travel. I speak at events. I interview people. I like, I'm an extrovert. I like to be around people. I like to, if we go out and someone says hi, I like to ask people questions and engage with people. I'm going to be very driven. I'm not going to be home at five every night. It's not my lifestyle. I'm an entrepreneur. This is, you know, I work out. My health is important to me. So I'm going to be doing activities. I'm going to be doing adventures. This is my lifestyle. And if someone, I believe if someone has a different lifestyle, they just want to be home all day. They're, you know, introverts and you're the opposite. There's going to be some type of disconnect match. So it doesn't have to be like same energy, but in alignment, right?

• 26:04Lewis Howes?

  Close to similar energies so that we can do share things together and are accepted in that place. So we had, we got clear in our life and I know she's an actress, right? So I had to be clear. She's going to be doing intimate scenes with potentially men in the future, like she's done in the past, on screen, right? Am I okay with her kissing someone on screen? So I had to be like, okay, does that work for me?

• 26:27Mel Robbins?

  Yeah.

• 26:28Lewis Howes?

  Whether she does it or not, like, I don't know, but it may happen. And I need to know that this is a part of her lifestyle as her profession.

• 26:35Mel Robbins?

  Right.

• 26:36Lewis Howes?

  And am I good with that? Does that work for me? Does her lifestyle work for me? Because if I'm changing someone, if I'm not happy with someone's lifestyle and I'm trying to change them, then that doesn't work either. Someone's going to resent that if you're trying to change their lifestyle. So that was that part. And then the next thing, the sixth thing, once we got clear on those five things, being in total acceptance of who that person is before choosing to be with them. So total acceptance. Okay, this is your values. This is your vision. This is your lifestyle. This is your love language. You've already done your healing journey. Now, the person in front of me, as you are, not the potential for who you are, but as you are right now, and if this continues, do I accept this person?

• 27:18Lewis Howes?

  For all their quirks and idiosyncrasies and faults and amazing things that they do, do I accept them? And so, I got clear with her, I was like, I accept you fully after knowing, you know, all this information. This was many months. Oh, also, another thing is removing sexual intimacy in the dating experience.

• 27:38Mel Robbins?

  Just be married for 20 years.

• 27:39Lewis Howes?

  Exactly.

• 27:41Mel Robbins?

  I'm just kidding, I'm just kidding.

• 27:43Lewis Howes?

  But removing that in order to get to know someone, without the chemical confusion. Because the chemicals-

• 27:50Mel Robbins?

  So wait, did you, were you guys like, not having sex for a while?

• 27:53Lewis Howes?

  No sex for the first three months.

• 27:55Mel Robbins?

  Wait, what?

• 27:55Lewis Howes?

  Uh huh. And I spent, I spent over 40 days with her. Like intimate, long days. When I tell this to guys, they freak out. They're like, no way, not possible.

• 28:03Mel Robbins?

  Well, I always say that to my daughters.

• 28:05Lewis Howes?

  Mm-hmm. Wait as long as you can, because the chemicals will mess with you and think you love this person. And you might have a chemical connection, but doesn't mean this is gonna be a good life partner.

• 28:16Mel Robbins?

  Correct.

• 28:16Lewis Howes?

  And so-

• 28:17Mel Robbins?

  I'm like, if you actually like the person, don't sleep with them.

• 28:21Lewis Howes?

  Don't sleep with them. And so, accepting who the person is in front of you, saying, knowing that they may never change, do I accept them? Not hoping that something changes, but I fully accept. So when I, when I got with her, I said, listen, my intention is to never be angry at you. There's nothing you could do that'll make me upset. Because I've gotten to know you, why would I be upset at you if I'm building an intimate relationship with you? And I accept you. So, and I asked her this last weekend, we were at a wedding two days ago, and I said, have I ever been upset with you in over a year? She said, no. And I said, that doesn't mean we don't have challenging conversations. We have uncomfortable, like, that doesn't feel good. And there's some, okay, I gotta work on this, I gotta breathe through the conversation.

• 29:06Lewis Howes?

  Like, maybe, is there gonna be a reaction? Do I have some PTSD still? Like, I don't know, there may be some discomfort.

• 29:13Mel Robbins?

  Yeah.

• 29:13Lewis Howes?

  But it doesn't mean I'm gonna get angry.

• 29:15Mel Robbins?

  So, Louis-

• 29:16Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 29:17Mel Robbins?

  I think this is-

• 29:18Lewis Howes?

  And then one more thing, but yeah.

• 29:19Mel Robbins?

  You say your one more thing.

• 29:20Lewis Howes?

  And the last thing is, was a mandatory thing for me. This was a non-negotiable.

• 29:23Mel Robbins?

  Okay.

• 29:24Lewis Howes?

  And I said, listen, every relationship before this, I've wanted to start the relationship in therapy, and no one wanted to do that with me. And then, a year, two years later, we got into therapy because there was too many breakdowns. And then it ended.

• 29:36Mel Robbins?

  Yeah.

• 29:37Lewis Howes?

  I don't want to repeat this. I'm not going to repeat this again. So this only works if you're willing to do therapy with me from the get-go. And she was like, I'm down. And it's been the best thing, starting because anytime there might be a little frustration or a little confusion or miscommunication.

• 29:53Mel Robbins?

  Yup.

• 29:54Lewis Howes?

  We talk about it in therapy, and oh, okay, that's not what you meant, that's not what I meant. Let's create a new agreement, so we both are in alignment moving forward.

• 30:01Mel Robbins?

  Yeah.

• 30:02Lewis Howes?

  So it's just trying to minimize frustration.

• 30:03Mel Robbins?

  Well, and also, having the objective person, like, you're so unconscious to your patterns. I'm thinking cardboard boxes, he's childhood trauma. There are other ones. He's not talking to me, I'm childhood trauma. Like, it's like, all of that gets magnified by cardboard boxes. You're fighting about it on the surface. And so, knowing that you have a place to talk about something, minimizes the number of times that you, like, even get upset with each other.

• 30:30Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 30:31Mel Robbins?

  But I want to go back to something that you said that I think is the hundred million dollar question.

• 30:36Lewis Howes?

  Give it to me.

• 30:36Mel Robbins?

  Not question, hundred million dollar answer.

• 30:40Mel Robbins?

  It was my number three. And I said it in the opposite way, that you said number six. I said, if I could go back and give myself advice 28 years ago, when I met my husband, Chris, what would it be? And the third thing I said is, always remind yourself that he is a kind and loving person who just wants to be loved. That's all we all are, okay? You said, I'm never gonna be angry with you. I'm not gonna take my anger out on you.

• 31:15Lewis Howes?

  Now, listen, I'm not perfect, and maybe one day I get frustrated and I react. I'm not saying, but that's my intention.

• 31:20Mel Robbins?

  But you probably quickly clean it up.

• 31:21Lewis Howes?

  And I take responsibility.

• 31:22Mel Robbins?

  Yes.

• 31:23Lewis Howes?

  A hundred percent responsibility. So, I'm not saying I'm trying to be perfect here, but yes.

• 31:27Mel Robbins?

  So, what I have learned in the past two years, that has been... Profound for me to be whole and to be able to truly stand in full power, right? And what has been profound in my marriage is that at the heart of all mental health issues for me, at the heart of all your interpersonal issues with anybody else is your own inability to handle uncomfortable feelings.

• 32:03Lewis Howes?

  That's it.

• 32:04Mel Robbins?

  That's it. And I have the just disgusting and awful toxic behavior of expelling my uncomfortable emotions at people. And my inability to tolerate stress, or disappointment, or frustration, or expectations not being met, or hurt feelings, that creates this sort of disruption in my body, and all of this stuff, it, over the years, like, I would expel it at people. I'd have a terrible tone of voice. I would blame it on my anxiety.

• 32:46Mel Robbins?

  And I didn't know any better, because I didn't understand that healing actually doesn't start up here, it actually starts in your body, and your ability to not only tolerate emotions, but to regulate the way that you feel when you experience emotion. And my husband has the opposite way. He withdraws. When he feels painful things in his body, he withdraws. And so, the thing that has changed everything for me, Louis, is truly realizing that, you know, I, the second I started to dig out all the uncomfortable feelings and the shit that had happened, or anything else, and I learned how to sit with it.

• 33:30Mel Robbins?

  I learned how to give myself the assurance and the love that maybe I didn't get as a kid, that I didn't experience in other relationships, that I wasn't experiencing that moment. Learning how to do that for myself, learning how to regulate my nervous system, how to tolerate the awful stuff that happens to all of us in life. That has been the biggest game changer in my relationship because I don't get angry at Chris.

• 33:58Lewis Howes?

  I think that's massive and it's, you know, like you said in the beginning, it's you focusing on your happiness and the other person focusing on their happiness. So you don't have to dump on each other when you're unhappy constantly. It doesn't mean you're not going to be unhappy in moments and you're not going to want to talk about it with your partner. One of the things that Martha does really well, and I think, you know, we both had 20 years of relationships that didn't end up working because they, we weren't together with those people anymore, right?

• 34:22Mel Robbins?

  Right.

• 34:23Lewis Howes?

  So we had lots of lessons from 20 to 30 and then 30 to 40.

• 34:27Mel Robbins?

  Yep.

• 34:27Lewis Howes?

  For most people, you got married when you were what?

• 34:29Mel Robbins?

  26.

• 34:30Lewis Howes?

  Exactly. So if I'd have got married 10 years ago, I would not be married still. I don't think I would have been able to stay married because I would have been emotionally too much of a wreck. And I would have reacted too much and been angry and upset and been like, oh, this doesn't work. Like, I just don't think I would have had the courage to stay married personally. If I got married in my twenties, divorced in two years probably.

• 34:49Mel Robbins?

  Oh, I would have been if I was with another emotional expeller.

• 34:52Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 34:53Mel Robbins?

  Like that, that, like, we're, like, I, I credit Chris and his tolerance of me, honestly.

• 34:57Lewis Howes?

  His peace.

• 34:58Mel Robbins?

  Or the fact that he is like, ah, this is not gonna like disrupt my inner peace.

• 35:02Lewis Howes?

  Exactly. And one of the things that Martha has done so well, I think because she's learned and done a lot of work on her own as well, she doesn't bring her stuff to me right away. She goes to her sisters first, her mom, her mom first, her, her amazing group of girlfriends first. Whether it might be something she was confused about me or questioning about, you know, maybe something I said or whatever, she doesn't react right away to me. She'll kind of let herself like talk to other people in the community, friends, girlfriends, but not in a way where it's, you know, putting me down or being like, he did this, talking bad, but more just, hey, this is happening. This is what I'm feeling. Let's talk about it.

• 35:39Mel Robbins?

  Right.

• 35:39Lewis Howes?

  She talks about it with them. She'll talk about it with her mom, her friends, her sister, and then she'll talk to her therapist about it. And unpack if it's something that she needs to work on herself that's triggering her, that's not even related to me.

• 35:50Mel Robbins?

  Wow.

• 35:51Lewis Howes?

  And then she'll bring it to me if she needs to. She's so good that I really appreciate that because she's just genuinely a happy person, but it's because she's doing the constant work to process emotions first before reacting and responding based on a trigger.

• 36:06Mel Robbins?

  Yeah.

• 36:07Lewis Howes?

  And I think that is really key if people, if men and women can learn that strategy. What you're talking about is emotional regulation.

• 36:15Mel Robbins?

  Yeah.

• 36:15Lewis Howes?

  Not dumping a reaction on someone when you feel, ah, that didn't feel good. You know, screaming at someone or just reacting.

• 36:22Mel Robbins?

  Well, Louis, I can really see it now. Cause I think we're, most of us are sort of blind to it. Because you've been processing emotion like this forever. And how did you learn to do that? Who'd you learn to speak English from?

• 36:35Lewis Howes?

  You saw it from your parents.

• 36:36Mel Robbins?

  Saw it from your parents. And so it becomes a pattern, just like speaking English, or Spanish, or Russian, or French. Became a pattern in your brain. And so in situations where your body senses the same emotion, you mimic the reaction that adults had. Even though you hated the silent treatment that your mother gave you when she was pissed off about something, you now do it to people.

• 36:57Lewis Howes?

  Mm-hmm.

• 36:58Mel Robbins?

  And you don't even realize it.

• 36:59Lewis Howes?

  And then you resent yourself because you're doing the thing that your parents did.

• 37:02Mel Robbins?

  Correct. And it all begins because your body remembers emotional triggers and situations. We're all kind of blind to it. For me, one of the interesting gifts of parenting, especially once my kid became, kids became teenagers, is my daughters dump on me. Why? Because they saw me doing it.

• 37:26Lewis Howes?

  Mm-hmm.

• 37:27Mel Robbins?

  They saw me get frustrated. They saw me like change my tone of voice. So when either one of them gets stressed about something, or they get overwhelmed by something.

• 37:35Lewis Howes?

  Come to you first.

• 37:36Mel Robbins?

  Oh, no, no, they just like, ah, ah, ah, ah, like, it's like a vomit on the text chain. And I'm like, this is me.

• 37:42Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, interesting.

• 37:43Mel Robbins?

  Or if we're in a situation and we're out and about, they're great with their friends and they'll turn and snap at me. And it's because, and, and so then I see it, I'm like, I taught them how to do this. And so I'm grateful that I'm now, hopefully, going to be the generation breaker.

• 38:03Lewis Howes?

  Mm-hmm.

• 38:04Mel Robbins?

  And they're aware of it because they immediately apologize. So it's faster turnaround.

• 38:09Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 38:10Mel Robbins?

  But I can see in my own kids, and this is not something I'm proud of, like what I passed down.

• 38:18Lewis Howes?

  Mm-hmm. Yeah, but you also passed down a lot of greatness.

• 38:22Mel Robbins?

  Of course. You know. Well, that, yeah, but you know, who wants to hear about that? Like, let's like, I, it's way, I, I think it's important for everybody to understand, we all have this. You have a way that you deal with pain. Because when you feel disappointed, that is a form of pain.

• 38:39Lewis Howes?

  Mm-hmm.

• 38:39Mel Robbins?

  And a lot of us either withdraw from it, or we try to expel it in some way.

• 38:44Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 38:45Mel Robbins?

  Or you try to outrun it.

• 38:47Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, another thing I was thinking about as you're saying this is kind of like figuring out what your main currency is in a relationship. Why you want to have a relationship and your main currency in life. For me, at this season of my life, my main currency is peace. Wanting to create and experience peace within me and within my relationship. Uh, because the world is going to have challenges and disasters and adversities. And like my business, there's going to be things already thrown at me in my life, but in my relationship, I want peace.

• 39:19Mel Robbins?

  Hmm.

• 39:20Lewis Howes?

  So that was, and she wants, you know, adventure and exploration and fun and all these things, but she wants peace as well. And so I'm like, okay, cool. I'm cool with all that as long as it's peaceful too, you know?

• 39:30Mel Robbins?

  Well, one of the things that I'm working on right now, and I don't have the answer to this.

• 39:35Lewis Howes?

  Uh-huh.

• 39:35Mel Robbins?

  Is I, you know, obviously I know I married an introvert, right? And Chris is the definition of peace.

• 39:44Lewis Howes?

  That's nice.

• 39:44Mel Robbins?

  I mean, the guy is a

• 39:46Lewis Howes?

  That's amazing.

• 39:46Mel Robbins?

  Buddhist meditation instructor.

• 39:48Lewis Howes?

  Incredible.

• 39:48Mel Robbins?

  He is getting a master's in transpersonal psychology right now. He leads men's retreats. He's a yoga instructor.

• 39:55Lewis Howes?

  It's amazing.

• 39:55Mel Robbins?

  He works for hospice. He's about to get a certificate to be a death doula. Like, when you talk about somebody that is deeply spiritual, grounded, introverted person, who really connects with people one-on-one, that's my husband. And so the thing that I'm really trying to figure out in this next chapter of our marriage, because I feel like in many ways, we are in the beginning of a second marriage. Because we have done so much work on ourselves and our kids are now grown up.

• 40:30Lewis Howes?

  Mm-hmm.

• 40:30Mel Robbins?

  And there's this opportunity after 28 years to really look at each other with fresh eyes, right?

• 40:36Lewis Howes?

  Beautiful.

• 40:37Mel Robbins?

  It's so beautiful.

• 40:38Lewis Howes?

  It's huge.

• 40:39Mel Robbins?

  And so I Instead of, there's two things that I want to share that have really helped me. One is, instead of focusing on the things that I don't like about Chris, right? And there are plenty of things he does not like about me. But if he could wave a magic wand. Sure. I would change this about my wife, Mel.

• 41:02Mel Robbins?

  One of the things that I've done is to say, well, what is, like, describe two moments where you just felt that like, oh, my God, this is my person. And so there are two moments, and this is a great exercise to do. Like, just think, what are those two moments that really encapsulate, like, just that flood of peace and love and safety and connection? And one of them for me with Chris is this.

• 41:32Mel Robbins?

  We had just met, and we were meeting to go out to dinner after work in New York City. And I was standing in front of that Flatiron Building on, you know, 23rd. Love it. And I looked up Fifth Ave. And I could see Chris coming. And he was wearing a suit, and he had a messenger bag slung over his shoulders. He had Ray-Bans on, and he was rollerblading and weaving in and out of traffic. Because he grew up as a ski racer, and he's like a big adventurer. And he had this huge smile on his face. And it was like strength at play, right? That was what I felt.

• 42:15Mel Robbins?

  And then the second thing that came to mind is that when we first got together, we almost, like, a couple of months after knowing each other, we went out to Utah to meet his best friend, who was already married. And Jeff and Dars live in Idaho, and like, they're basically pioneers. You know, they hunt, they fish, they like, live in a log cabin, built their own house. Like, they're frickin' amazing. And so we went fishing. And there was a freak snowstorm that night. And so, literally, it started snowing as we're cooking dinner, like, in June, dude. And so, I'm thinking, what have I gotten myself into? So I go back to the tent.

• 42:59Mel Robbins?

  And I'm rummaging around for a sweatshirt of some kind and I noticed my sleeping bag is warm. And I flipped the bag open and Chris has filled up one of those Nalgene bottles with hot water. He had boiled on a campfire and stuck it in there like a hot pocket.

• 43:16Lewis Howes?

  That's pretty nice.

• 43:16Mel Robbins?

  Right?

• 43:17Lewis Howes?

  Very thoughtful.

• 43:18Mel Robbins?

  Yes. And so, those are two memories and so I came up with this.

• 43:24Lewis Howes?

  He's doing an act of service for you.

• 43:25Mel Robbins?

  No.

• 43:26Lewis Howes?

  Because that's what he wants. So he's doing the thing he wants.

• 43:28Mel Robbins?

  No kidding. And meanwhile, I'm ignoring him and telling him he's so amazing. And he can't even hear it because he wants acts of service. And so, because his parents weren't home, right? Growing up. So he, um, so I developed an avatar for the behavior in Chris that I love. I call it my trip leader. Because when we're out hiking, when we're on an adventure, Chris is in charge. He has strength at play. He is a caretaker. He's 55 steps ahead of me. I'm the yard sale in the back. Like, that is when he shines. And so, it has been super helpful for me to remind myself that he's a trip leader.

• 44:12Mel Robbins?

  Because it makes me take a step back. And it allows him to take a step forward into his power. So that's one thing that I've been working on. And the second thing that I'm working on is this sense, you called it peace. And we've talked about this sort of mismatch and the mismatch being that you might speak different love languages. You might have different values or a different lifestyle.

• 44:35Lewis Howes?

  Extrovert, introvert.

• 44:36Mel Robbins?

  Extrovert, introvert, all that kind of stuff. That if you are gonna work to close that gap somehow without changing one another, realize that your marriage doesn't have to be everything and it shouldn't be.

• 44:52Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 44:52Mel Robbins?

  And so, for a while, I started to get nervous because Chris is very introverted. I mean, we live in southern Vermont on the side of a mountain now. And I started to realize, I'm actually sad here all the time. Like, a part of me needs this spaciousness, but I have to be around people.

• 45:11Lewis Howes?

  Me too.

• 45:12Mel Robbins?

  I have to have the buzz.

• 45:13Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, and grab coffee and see people.

• 45:15Mel Robbins?

  Yes, I need to go do something. Not every day.

• 45:17Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 45:18Mel Robbins?

  And so, I started to realize, well, wait a minute. I don't have to turn Chris into like the party guy.

• 45:27Mel Robbins?

  I can have my friends be that. I can have work be that. Like, I can fill that in different areas instead of being frustrated that this one person isn't filling everything. And so, really recognizing, I think, what somebody's capacity is, allowing them to step forward in certain roles, but allowing them to be themselves and step back in others and not punishing them for it.

• 45:52Lewis Howes?

  Hundred percent.

• 45:53Mel Robbins?

  That is something that I've been... Chris is better at it than I am. Like, he's way more forgiving. He's way kinder. He's more patient.

• 46:03Lewis Howes?

  Sure. And he's probably creating boundaries, just like you are.

• 46:06Mel Robbins?

  Oh, yeah.

• 46:06Lewis Howes?

  Which is key.

• 46:07Mel Robbins?

  Yeah. You know what we've spent the last three therapy sessions talking about?

• 46:11Lewis Howes?

  Boundaries?

• 46:12Mel Robbins?

  Nope.

• 46:13Lewis Howes?

  What?

• 46:14Mel Robbins?

  A new puppy.

• 46:15Lewis Howes?

  You're getting a new puppy? One of you wants one, one of you doesn't?

• 46:18Mel Robbins?

  The whole family wants a puppy.

• 46:20Lewis Howes?

  But you don't?

• 46:20Mel Robbins?

  Chris doesn't.

• 46:21Lewis Howes?

  He doesn't?

• 46:21Mel Robbins?

  Yes.

• 46:22Lewis Howes?

  Because he knows he's gonna have to do all the work.

• 46:24Mel Robbins?

  Yes!

• 46:24Lewis Howes?

  He's like, "I don't want this. I'm already doing all the work."

• 46:26Mel Robbins?

  Yeah, for the dog that we got two and a half years ago.

• 46:30Lewis Howes?

  Exactly. He's already like... Two hours in my day is going towards the dog activities. While you guys are off working and doing this and running your lives, yeah. It's a lot of big responsibility.

• 46:40Mel Robbins?

  Well, because the puppy is an example of bigger themes.

• 46:46Lewis Howes?

  Mm-hmm. And he doesn't want to abandon himself to please others.

• 46:50Mel Robbins?

  Yes.

• 46:50Lewis Howes?

  And that's probably what he's done for 26 years. Not with everything. I'm sure it's not like all like that. But this is what I had to learn in the last two years of therapy too, is just like, okay, I was always trying to make someone else happy because they were never happy with who I was. They never accepted me, so they always wanted to change me. And so, I would change who I am to try to please them.

• 47:09Mel Robbins?

  Right.

• 47:09Lewis Howes?

  And then after months and months and years, you're like, "I'm just abandoning who my real nature is for one human being and dimming my light." And I'm not trying to blame anyone here. This is all my responsibility by choosing and staying in relationships. So, it's not their fault. It's my responsibility to exit or to know this when it happens and have a conscious conversation calmly and take responsibility and say, "No, I'm not gonna do this. Are you okay with who I am?" But I think creating those boundaries and not abandoning yourself is such a key element to healthy relationships.

• 47:41Mel Robbins?

  Yeah.

• 47:42Lewis Howes?

  So it's, it takes a lot of courage after 26 years for him to start speaking up probably about

• 47:48Mel Robbins?

  About what he needs.

• 47:49Lewis Howes?

  As opposed to just saying, okay, it'll make all my family happy, I'm gonna do this.

• 47:53Mel Robbins?

  Well, he, he was trained as a kid that his needs don't matter.

• 47:55Lewis Howes?

  Absolutely.

• 47:56Mel Robbins?

  And so

• 47:57Lewis Howes?

  It's really good for him.

• 47:57Mel Robbins?

  And so it's incredible. It's absolutely incredible. It's a, it's a huge gift to have this side of my husband showing up after all of these years. And it's a huge gift to me to actually have a partner that's helping me heal and be softer.

• 48:15Lewis Howes?

  That's beautiful.

• 48:16Mel Robbins?

  And have somebody take care of me. And it's just incredible. And so, you know, the thing is, is that the wrong relationship magnifies your insecurity and your emotional dysregulation. And the right relationship with a lot of work helps you heal.

• 48:36Lewis Howes?

  Absolutely.

• 48:37Mel Robbins?

  Yeah.

• 48:38Lewis Howes?

  That's beautiful. I agree. And I think, um, I'm curious about, you know, you're going through this process with Chris. And I think that's gonna, you know, for me, I want this to be a part of our relationship for as long as we're together, hopefully a long time, uh, where we're constantly going to therapy.

• 48:55Mel Robbins?

  Yes.

• 48:55Lewis Howes?

  It doesn't need to be every week or every month, but it's like, we have it in the schedule. We know where to go just for like, okay, how do we get to the next level? And then we go and it's always like, man, we don't have anything to talk about. There's no problem right now, right? So how can we continue to create agreements to thrive?

• 49:13Mel Robbins?

  Right.

• 49:14Lewis Howes?

  How can we continue to feel celebrated in the relationship, accepted, and just take it to the next level? So that's been a, a huge thing. And as our relationship evolves from, you know, dating into moving in together and then into marriage eventually, and then kids, it's gonna be like new agreements and new conversations that are unspoken that we need to talk about. So, um, I'm curious because you've got two daughters, is that right?

• 49:34Mel Robbins?

  And a son.

• 49:35Lewis Howes?

  Two daughters, but the two daughters have relationships, right?

• 49:37Mel Robbins?

  Yeah.

• 49:39Lewis Howes?

  As a mother of two daughters who are dating two men, how do you know when they've made a good choice? Versus seeing, you know, two, three, four red flags that maybe your daughters wouldn't see? And being able to give, you know, wisdom to them without pushing them away from making their own decisions? Like, how do you know they're making a good decision?

• 50:03Mel Robbins?

  Well, you know when they're not.

• 50:06Lewis Howes?

  When they're unhappy, when they're complaining, when they're stressed.

• 50:08Mel Robbins?

  No, you know when they're not. You know when you're not, they're not because they become an insecure, people-pleasing freak. And they start to attach their entire self-worth to what this dude that they're chasing thinks about them. And so when you see your kid, boy, girl, you know, even like anywhere on the gender spectrum, when you see your kid become deeply insecure and consumed by somebody else's attention, that is the wrong choice. Period. And I think that the, like, on one hand,

• 50:52Mel Robbins?

  I think it's amazing that there is so much kind of body positivity and sexual freedom and women are super empowered and so are men and all. But personally, I am horrified by how fast kids have sex.

• 51:10Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 51:10Mel Robbins?

  I am horrified by how casual it is. I think it is terrible for the mental health of girls and boys. I think the focus on, there is the self-expression in terms of your sexuality and your body, but the pressure on girls in particular and young women to put it all out there, to be sexual beings, it's just, it's really, really hard.

• 51:40Lewis Howes?

  It's setting you up for getting hurt too. And hurting yourself and feeling confused.

• 51:44Mel Robbins?

  Well, here's the thing. Women cannot have sex without getting emotionally attached.

• 51:48Lewis Howes?

  100% agree.

• 51:49Mel Robbins?

  And men can't get emotionally attached until they have sex. Like, we are literally wired in the opposite way. And so for for women, like, I'm sorry, you cannot have sex and not have some sort of emotional connection.

• 52:05Lewis Howes?

  There's no casual for women.

• 52:07Mel Robbins?

  There isn't. And so the culture has shifted in a direction that does not serve women's mental health. And this is not about whether or not you should or shouldn't have sex or any of that. Like, it's really about understanding the impact that sex has on your mental health when you're not in a safe or committed relationship. And that's it. And the truth is that there are things that are going on in your chemistry, in your neurology, in your DNA, that are tied to survival and to generations past that are way bigger than just the intercourse and the orgasm that you're having with this one person.

• 52:50Mel Robbins?

  And so one of the things that I find to be extremely difficult as a parent is counseling daughters through this process of online dating, of casual sex, of the hookup culture, of girls convincing themselves that they're okay with this.

• 53:09Lewis Howes?

  And it's empowering themselves, yeah.

• 53:11Mel Robbins?

  Yeah, I don't buy it. I don't buy it at all.

• 53:14Lewis Howes?

  There's just so much, I mean.

• 53:15Mel Robbins?

  And here's why. I would say to my girls, and I'm sorry that this is crude. I'm sorry, like, what do you mean you're concerned about texting him? His penis was inside you. How could you not text him back?

• 53:32Mel Robbins?

  I'll tell you why. Because I had casual sex, now I'm emotionally invested, and now I'm insecure.

• 53:38Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 53:40Mel Robbins?

  And so it's like the reverse of where the boundaries you need to have with yourself. And here's the ironic thing that that I think young women don't understand. If you like somebody and you don't hook up with them.

• 53:57Mel Robbins?

  They're gonna want you more.

• 53:58Lewis Howes?

  Mm-hmm, 100%.

• 54:00Mel Robbins?

  They're gonna want you more. If they're interested in you now, they will be interested in you next week. And if you literally are having sex with people when they're right in front of you. They're only going to want you for sex.

• 54:14Lewis Howes?

  Absolutely.

• 54:15Mel Robbins?

  That's it.

• 54:16Lewis Howes?

  The longer you make someone wait, the more time you have to get to really know their heart also. You get to know them, their values, their vision, like, do we want to be in a relationship? Do you really want to enter your life with someone?

• 54:27Mel Robbins?

  That's the profound way. Like, I'm actually just talking about, like, so you're asking, how do I advise? Like, even my daughter's friends, or like, anybody that is writing into the podcast. So first of all, everybody is super motivated, intrinsically, by what they want. So let's just take the situation that you see somebody that's attractive, right? And you really want to get to know them better. The way to connect with somebody that you're attracted with is not to have sex with them.

• 54:54Lewis Howes?

  Don't have sex.

• 54:55Mel Robbins?

  Do not.

• 54:55Lewis Howes?

  It's not.

• 54:56Mel Robbins?

  And here's something else, that especially for men, that if you deny them what they want.

• 55:03Lewis Howes?

  They'll want you more.

• 55:05Mel Robbins?

  The chase mechanism kicks in in your brain. You want them more. If you have [BEEP] going on because you're a cool person, they're gonna want you more. People want to have sex with somebody that's available because they want to have an orgasm. People are interested in pursuing something with somebody who they have to chase. I'm not talking about playing games.

• 55:29Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 55:30Mel Robbins?

  I'm just talking about the basic power dynamic here. It makes perfect sense that if you have sex with somebody the first night you meet them, all they're ever gonna look at you for is sex.

• 55:42Lewis Howes?

  That's it.

• 55:42Mel Robbins?

  That's it. And that's it. And so, that's, that's it, everybody.

• 55:50Lewis Howes?

  That's why I think wait as long as you can.

• 55:52Mel Robbins?

  Wait as long as you can.

• 55:53Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, it doesn't have to be wait till marriage type of thing. I'm not saying that, but wait until you if you want to, unless you know.

• 55:59Mel Robbins?

  I don't think you should wait for marriage.

• 56:00Lewis Howes?

  I think you should wait until you know you want to be in a committed relationship with this person personally.

• 56:05Mel Robbins?

  Well, at least exclusive.

• 56:07Lewis Howes?

  Exactly, yeah. Unless you're saying, hey, listen, I don't care if I ever see this person again. Okay, then have sex with them.

• 56:13Mel Robbins?

  Then you're having an orgasm.

• 56:15Lewis Howes?

  Exactly.

• 56:16Mel Robbins?

  Right, and that's fine, but I'm just saying, I don't think women can do that.

• 56:20Lewis Howes?

  It's very hard, I think.

• 56:21Mel Robbins?

  Not based on our wiring.

• 56:22Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, it's very challenging. So, wait, if you can.

• 56:26Mel Robbins?

  Well, if you actually want it to be more than an orgasm, yes.

• 56:29Lewis Howes?

  And if you don't, then realize you might have a letdown. You might have a letdown, you might have some emotionally unwinding to do because there might be an expectation that this guy is not willing to fulfill after you have sex.

• 56:39Mel Robbins?

  But see, I don't think there's a big enough conversation about the connection between sex and mental health.

• 56:45Mel Robbins?

  And that, you know, if you're in the dating culture and all the pressure to have sex and then the shame and the guilt and the insecurity and the anxiety that comes when you make decisions that you then regret or it doesn't play out the way that you had hoped it did, even though you knew deep in your heart it was probably a dumb decision. And so you asked me originally, like, what do I do when, you know, how have I counseled my daughters who are now in exclusive committed relationships? You know when they are chasing the wrong thing, you just do.

• 57:20Lewis Howes?

  Your daughters.

• 57:21Mel Robbins?

  Yes, because they're not themselves.

• 57:23Lewis Howes?

  They're acting out of whack and their stress and their insecurity.

• 57:26Mel Robbins?

  Yeah, they're like questioning whether they should reach out to somebody. They're questioning whether the person likes them. They're questioning what they should do. They're like, everything becomes about that person's validation of you.

• 57:39Lewis Howes?

  As opposed to living their life.

• 57:40Mel Robbins?

  Yes, and having somebody come into your life that's additive. Is somebody bringing positive additive energy? Or is somebody a gigantic distraction that amplifies your insecurity?

• 57:57Mel Robbins?

  If you don't know how the other person feels about you, I can tell you right now, they're not interested in you for the long haul.

• 58:07Lewis Howes?

  If they're really interested, they'd be telling you.

• 58:09Mel Robbins?

  You would know.

• 58:10Lewis Howes?

  They'd be showing you, they'd be telling you.

• 58:11Mel Robbins?

  If you're confused about how they feel, they're not interested in you. And that's all you need to know.

• 58:17Lewis Howes?

  And focus on your life.

• 58:17Mel Robbins?

  You were an orgasm.

• 58:19Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 58:19Mel Robbins?

  It's really crude to say. But, you know, we spend so much time up here. And here, so here's another tool. I've been, I've been experimenting a lot, Lewis, with two different approaches to mental health, to mindset, to healing, to peace, to happiness. So one approach is any tool that you use that is neck up, meaning, what are you thinking about? Okay? So I think what the problem is for most of us is we spend all of our energy up here from the neck up trying to figure out through our thoughts. When the truth is, if you go from the neck down

• 59:04Mel Robbins?

  and you go into your body, you know if you feel secure or not around somebody. That's, that's the only answer you need. And nine times out of 10, when I've seen my daughters, or their friends, or people that I love in the wrong relationship, it's because they're chasing somebody because they want validation. They're chasing somebody because they believe that if that person likes me, or that person is hooking up with me, then that means everybody else will think something about me. And when they're in the right relationship,

• 59:46Mel Robbins?

  they are themselves, they're more of themselves. They're secure. They're not playing games. There's a directness to them that, you know, and I always say, like, I know it's the wrong advice to give 20-somethings, but I'm like, stop with the rules. Just communicate. And if somebody is a match, they'll be direct back. If they like you, guess what? They're over there going, oh, should I text her? Not texting, it's too much. And so if somebody likes you and you communicate directly, you will have a match. If you are chasing validation... Because of what your partner looks like, or if this person hooks up with me, or that person, or this person, or the other thing, it's all like a game.

• 1:00:30Lewis Howes?

  I know, and I think if you're, and I think you should be, this is what I did with Martha. I said, I want to scare her away from me by being 100% who I am. I want her to run from me, or run towards me.

• 1:00:42Mel Robbins?

  Yeah.

• 1:00:43Lewis Howes?

  But me not compromising how I'm gonna ask questions, or how I talk, or how I communicate, or my values, or my priorities, and not gonna shy away from anything that I believe to be true for me and my life, I'm gonna just be 100% honest and direct. And within five minutes of meeting her, we were talking about healing the inner child, right? Like, right away, we went into it, right? And I was like, I hope I scare away, I hope, you know, all these things I talk about. She asked me about, at one point, probably like a month, a month and a half after I was starting to date, still no sex, she said, what's your priorities, Louis? What's your priorities in life? The old priorities question that every guy is scared of, right? What's your priorities?

• 1:01:24Lewis Howes?

  And I said, well, after I tell you my priorities, I think you're gonna wanna not hang out with me anymore in this way. And she said, really? And she's getting like, kinda worried, and I was like, I don't think you wanna hear my priorities, because I don't think you can handle the truth, like, and I'm saying, maybe you can, but most women can't handle the truth, based on my personal experience. Right? If I tell you the full honesty, there's usually a reaction from a woman, like, I can't believe that's your priority.

• 1:01:53Mel Robbins?

  What are your priorities? Now we need to know, dude.

• 1:01:55Lewis Howes?

  So I told her, I said, listen, I'm gonna tell you, but this is the end of our relationship. This is the end of our dating, but if you want it, you're asking for it. But I'm not gonna compromise who I am. Because every woman wants to hear that the number one priority is what?

• 1:02:10Mel Robbins?

  I don't know.

• 1:02:10Lewis Howes?

  Number one priority, most women wanna hear, is that they are the priority in that guy's life, that the woman is the number one priority. That's what a lot of women, that's what a lot of women want to hear.

• 1:02:20Mel Robbins?

  Gotcha, once you're dating.

• 1:02:21Lewis Howes?

  Once you're dating and you're committed in a relationship, that, that...

• 1:02:24Mel Robbins?

  Oh, I don't want that.

• 1:02:25Lewis Howes?

  Well, this is what a lot of women, maybe insecure women, wanna hear, that you make me your top priority. If we're getting in a committed relationship, if we're gonna get married, then I'm your top priority, that's what a lot of women want, who are insecure or needy.

• 1:02:38Mel Robbins?

  That's what a lot of dudes want too, who are insecure or needy.

• 1:02:40Lewis Howes?

  True, individuals.

• 1:02:42Mel Robbins?

  Yep.

• 1:02:43Lewis Howes?

  And I said, you're, you're, you're never gonna be my... I go, you're never gonna be my top priority, my number one priority.

• 1:02:50Mel Robbins?

  Yep.

• 1:02:52Lewis Howes?

  Uh, my number one priority in my life is my health.

• 1:02:54Mel Robbins?

  Yeah.

• 1:02:54Lewis Howes?

  Mental, spiritual, physical, emotional health. Because if my emotional health is off and I'm reactive, I'm not gonna be a good partner. I'm not gonna be good in my business and my life.

• 1:03:02Mel Robbins?

  Yep.

• 1:03:03Lewis Howes?

  If my physical health is off, then that's gonna take my time away from me and my energy away. So number one is my health.

• 1:03:08Mel Robbins?

  Yep.

• 1:03:08Lewis Howes?

  My connection to all facets of my health.

• 1:03:11Mel Robbins?

  Mm-hmm.

• 1:03:11Lewis Howes?

  And I need a partner, uh, who accepts me for that, that's gonna take my time every day to focus on whatever I need for my health.

• 1:03:19Mel Robbins?

  Yep.

• 1:03:20Lewis Howes?

  That's number one.

• 1:03:20Mel Robbins?

  Okay.

• 1:03:21Lewis Howes?

  If you want a good partner, that's what I need. You're not my number two priority. No woman wants to hear that, that they're not one or two.

• 1:03:27Mel Robbins?

  Yeah, dude, that's not okay with me. No, just kidding.

• 1:03:29Lewis Howes?

  Number two.

• 1:03:30Mel Robbins?

  Why is number two?

• 1:03:31Lewis Howes?

  Number two is my mission, my calling.

• 1:03:34Mel Robbins?

  You don't think that's part of health?

• 1:03:36Lewis Howes?

  No. I think health is me taking care of myself consciously, emotionally, mentally, physically, so I have the energy to take care of number two.

• 1:03:44Mel Robbins?

  See, this is the position I go into where I'm like, I'm absorbing this. Yeah, you know what I mean? Like, I'm receiving it, I'm receiving it, cuz I'm literally like-

• 1:03:51Lewis Howes?

  Most people don't wanna hear it.

• 1:03:52Mel Robbins?

  Well, cuz I, I always tied like-

• 1:03:54Lewis Howes?

  Well, here's the reason why.

• 1:03:54Mel Robbins?

  Spiritual and emotional kind of with the mission, like-

• 1:03:57Lewis Howes?

  With purpose, I hear you, but I feel like-

• 1:03:59Mel Robbins?

  I got you, I got you.

• 1:04:00Lewis Howes?

  I need the energy spiritually, mentally, emotionally, physically-

• 1:04:03Mel Robbins?

  Yep.

• 1:04:03Lewis Howes?

  To then use that energy towards my mission, my calling.

• 1:04:07Mel Robbins?

  Okay.

• 1:04:07Lewis Howes?

  The thing that I feel called by Source, by God, to do on this, this time that I'm here.

• 1:04:12Mel Robbins?

  Yep.

• 1:04:12Lewis Howes?

  If I don't do that, I'm gonna be an unhappy person.

• 1:04:15Mel Robbins?

  Yes.

• 1:04:16Lewis Howes?

  If I say, okay, I've got a direct calling that I'm supposed to do for this season of my life, maybe it changes in a year or 10 years.

• 1:04:22Mel Robbins?

  I love that you're really embracing spirituality, dude.

• 1:04:24Lewis Howes?

  A hundred percent. If this is speaking to me and I'm saying, eh, I don't wanna do this to my Creator.

• 1:04:30Mel Robbins?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:04:30Lewis Howes?

  Eh, you know what? I'd rather just discount what you're telling me to do, what I feel I'm supposed to do, be of service to humanity.

• 1:04:36Mel Robbins?

  Yeah.

• 1:04:38Lewis Howes?

  If you don't support me and my mission, my purpose, and you want me to discount that and dim that, I'm not gonna be happy. I'm gonna be resentful. I'm gonna feel like I'm resentful of the relationship, resentful of myself, resentful, you know, everything, I'm gonna be off.

• 1:04:52Mel Robbins?

  Yeah, totally.

• 1:04:54Lewis Howes?

  And, um, I need time to focus on my mission. The third thing will be my intimate relationship with you. You'll be number three. Now, listen, I spend all my time with her. She, she knows she's, it feels like a number one priority, right? I spend so much time with her. We just got back from a seven day trip. Travel, we travel all the time together. We spend all our free time together. So it feels like number one.

• 1:05:18Mel Robbins?

  Yeah.

• 1:05:18Lewis Howes?

  Because it's not like I'm neglecting my time with her. She is a massive priority.

• 1:05:25Mel Robbins?

  I'm getting something, dude.

• 1:05:26Lewis Howes?

  But she understands that I need to take care of my health first. That I, I need support on my mission. Don't pull me from it, but support it. And then I'm gonna give you more and more time, more and more energy, more and more love and abundance than you've ever experienced with those first two priorities.

• 1:05:40Mel Robbins?

  Okay, so let me get this back to you. You ready?

• 1:05:42Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 1:05:43Mel Robbins?

  You have to have it like that. And this is the breakthrough that I just got. I'm so excited to call Chris. Be like, dude! Okay, so you have to do that. You have to make your health well be.

• 1:05:54Lewis Howes?

  Whole.

• 1:05:55Mel Robbins?

  Whole.

• 1:05:55Lewis Howes?

  If you're not whole, you can't be good in the relationship.

• 1:05:57Mel Robbins?

  Two, you gotta have a purpose beyond the relationship.

• 1:06:01Lewis Howes?

  Hundred percent. It's all about the relationship.

• 1:06:04Mel Robbins?

  And if you don't have those, because if I am being honest about moments where I've been a complete douche hoe to Chris, technical term.

• 1:06:11Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:06:13Mel Robbins?

  Or he's been like a jerk to me. It's because I'm not feeling good about myself. I'm not connected to work that I love or doing something that's bigger than this, and so I take it out on him.

• 1:06:24Lewis Howes?

  Hundred percent.

• 1:06:25Mel Robbins?

  Yes.

• 1:06:25Lewis Howes?

  You're resentful of the relationship.

• 1:06:26Mel Robbins?

  So if you actually care about the other person and you care about the, the thing working long term, then you actually prioritize those two things. And this goes back to dating. If you want to meet cool people and be in a relationship that makes you feel good, the second you feel yourself chasing somebody, or it's bad for your mental health because you're too insecure to text the person. What? I'm not talking about like texting and blowing up their Snapchat because you're some psycho stalker.

• 1:06:58Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 1:06:59Mel Robbins?

  I'm talking about like, hey, what are you up to? If you're too insecure to do that, that is with your mental health. That is a red flag. Here's a green flag. You feel comfortable texting because that's what you would normally do.

• 1:07:12Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 1:07:12Mel Robbins?

  Here's a green flag. You ask the person to hang out because that's what you would normally do. Here's another green flag. You feel like more of yourself. Here's another green flag. It's easy. Here's another green flag.

• 1:07:24Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:07:25Mel Robbins?

  You should laugh a lot.

• 1:07:26Lewis Howes?

  Uh huh. Have fun.

• 1:07:27Mel Robbins?

  Have fun.

• 1:07:28Lewis Howes?

  Yes. Doesn't need to be stressful.

• 1:07:30Mel Robbins?

  No.

• 1:07:31Lewis Howes?

  Or insecurity in there. And I think, you know, my friend Matthew Hussey talks about this a lot where he's-

• 1:07:35Mel Robbins?

  I've never met him.

• 1:07:36Lewis Howes?

  Oh, he's great. You should talk to him. Where he's like, listen, I think a lot of us, and I speak from personal experience, you know, I had a lot of insecurities growing up. I wanted everyone that I was interested in to like and love me in return. And if they didn't, then I didn't feel like I was enough. But we shouldn't take that as a signal that we're not enough, or we're not lovable. It's just we're not the right match with that person. And he talks about just eliminating people as quickly as possible, not investing more time with one person. But hey, if this doesn't feel right like you're saying, then just put them in the friend zone and move on with your life. Get back to doing you, living your life, having, hanging out with your friends, doing fun activities and attracting a better match.

• 1:08:15Mel Robbins?

  Uh huh.

• 1:08:15Lewis Howes?

  And going not through people quicker, but-

• 1:08:18Mel Robbins?

  Yes.

• 1:08:18Lewis Howes?

  Meeting and experiencing people quickly and letting them go, or just not engaging with them when you realize, oh, this is not a good match. And be okay with them.

• 1:08:27Mel Robbins?

  That's it. It's just a mismatch.

• 1:08:27Lewis Howes?

  Be okay with them not liking you.

• 1:08:29Mel Robbins?

  Yeah.

• 1:08:30Lewis Howes?

  I think that was really hard for me. I wanted people to like me early on, if I had interest in them. And so it's like being okay if you're not the right match for someone.

• 1:08:38Mel Robbins?

  Well, and also think about this. Think about the fact that at every like moment in your life, every, like if you think, I like to think about life as like this one long road trip. Every year's a mile marker, right?

• 1:08:51Lewis Howes?

  Yep.

• 1:08:51Mel Robbins?

  And at every mile marker, you're a freaking different person.

• 1:08:55Lewis Howes?

  Hundred percent.

• 1:08:56Mel Robbins?

  So think about all the people you hung out with in high school. They were your ride or die. And then you go and you go through mile marker eighteen to twenty-two, you become a different person. And there are some people that are now a mismatch. They're not bad people.

• 1:09:10Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, you're just not as connected as you were in the past.

• 1:09:13Mel Robbins?

  Yes, that's it, that's it. And so move through people that are not a match because it's the fastest way to find people who are.

• 1:09:23Lewis Howes?

  Hundred percent.

• 1:09:23Mel Robbins?

  Yes, and by the way, you might find twenty mile markers down the road twenty years from now, that person's a match again.

• 1:09:31Lewis Howes?

  Mm-hmm, exactly, come back full circle.

• 1:09:33Mel Robbins?

  Totally.

• 1:09:34Lewis Howes?

  So what do you think about my three priorities?

• 1:09:36Mel Robbins?

  I love them, I'm gonna steal it.

• 1:09:37Lewis Howes?

  Okay.

• 1:09:38Mel Robbins?

  I'll credit you though. I'm gonna go back, like, you know what?

• 1:09:41Lewis Howes?

  Cause you had a little reaction at first, you're like, I don't like that.

• 1:09:43Mel Robbins?

  Well, I didn't like not being number two.

• 1:09:45Lewis Howes?

  Exactly, no one, see, I told you, no woman wants to hear that.

• 1:09:48Mel Robbins?

  I didn't wanna hear that.

• 1:09:48Lewis Howes?

  No woman wants to hear that they're not one of two.

• 1:09:50Mel Robbins?

  No dude wants to hear that either.

• 1:09:52Lewis Howes?

  But I want my, my partner, I don't wanna be number one for her. I want her to...

• 1:09:58Mel Robbins?

  Yeah, cause then you'd be with a clingy...

• 1:09:59Lewis Howes?

  I wanna...

• 1:10:00Mel Robbins?

  And I don't wanna be number one for my dude.

• 1:10:03Lewis Howes?

  I want someone who's neglecting their health for me. Why? You're getting unhealthy for me?

• 1:10:08Mel Robbins?

  Well, and here's the thing, here's, here's one of the things I would like to change. I'm asking everybody I'm talking to this. Can we come up with a different word for mental health? Because I...

• 1:10:17Lewis Howes?

  I just call it mental, emotional, spiritual, physical.

• 1:10:19Mel Robbins?

  No, I think it needs to be body focused.

• 1:10:22Lewis Howes?

  Mm-hmm.

• 1:10:23Mel Robbins?

  Because, again, when I see...

• 1:10:25Lewis Howes?

  Cause it's a nervous system health, is what it is.

• 1:10:27Mel Robbins?

  Yes, and because when I hear mental health, I think about thoughts and I think about like everything going from the neck up, upstairs.

• 1:10:34Lewis Howes?

  But it's really your emotional...

• 1:10:35Mel Robbins?

  That's what happens first.

• 1:10:36Lewis Howes?

  ...nervous system that needs to heal.

• 1:10:37Mel Robbins?

  You feel something first, your body feels it first. So before you even, if you're going through dating issues, before you even start to wrestle with thoughts, you feel uncomfortable about whether you should text.

• 1:10:52Lewis Howes?

  And then you start analyzing it.

• 1:10:54Mel Robbins?

  Yes, you start stacking these thoughts.

• 1:10:56Lewis Howes?

  And you start worrying and stressing in your thoughts.

• 1:10:58Mel Robbins?

  And then it amplifies here, but it begins here.

• 1:11:00Lewis Howes?

  Man, this is why, you know...

• 1:11:01Mel Robbins?

  This is where the red flags are, everybody. You feel discomfort here.

• 1:11:05Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:11:05Mel Robbins?

  It's not a match. It doesn't matter how much negotiating you do with yourself up here. There is no perfect time to send a text, "Hey, what are you doing?"

• 1:11:15Lewis Howes?

  Exactly. And when you're stressing about that, that's, that's something you gotta work on for yourself. It's not about the other person, it's about you. Why am I stressing? This is why I just, I was telling you about this, where I went through a seven day advanced meditation retreat with Dr. Joe Dispenza. And he talks about how, man, we've really gotta heal all these different things with our thinking and with our body. And it takes practice, you know, this is a practice thing that you've gotta learn how to optimize and it's, it's really creating an intentional thought and then an elevated emotion. So you can attract what you want. But if you're thinking scarce thinking and stressed out thoughts, you're gonna be more needy and reactive.

• 1:11:56Mel Robbins?

  Oh, so is he basically using the science of like trauma in a positive way? So when you have an elevated emotion, it, it fires up your nervous system. And so then the thought gets married to that emotion.

• 1:12:12Lewis Howes?

  What's the intentional thought that you want? I want a healthy relationship. So seeing that, so putting focus on a healthy relationship in your thinking first. Okay, what does that feel like? It feels peaceful, it feels joyful, I can be myself, I feel, we have fun, we play, you know. Uh, when I communicate, they communicate back directly in a conscious way. Man, that feels really good. Okay, let's go create from that space as opposed to, I feel anxious and tired and I'm alone and I feel like no one loves me. Can someone please love me? You know, so it's thinking and then you're feeling stressed and you're creating from that space of, of lack, less than loneliness and fear of someone loving you.

• 1:12:55Lewis Howes?

  And all my friends are all in relationships, but I'm not, something wrong with me. I should go, and then I'm anxious as opposed to, now I'm gonna be cautious about my thinking about what it is I want in a relationship and then feel the feeling and create from that space. And really focus on, and he talks, you know, he does a lot of the meditation practices to heal the nervous system. To go into the quantum field, so you can heal the nervous system.

• 1:13:18Mel Robbins?

  Yeah.

• 1:13:18Lewis Howes?

  And I think that's, I wish I knew this stuff earlier, but um.

• 1:13:21Mel Robbins?

  Can I go back to something about the dating? Cause you asked me, what like do I do?

• 1:13:26Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 1:13:27Mel Robbins?

  So I've made, I made some major mistakes. And I wanna-

• 1:13:30Lewis Howes?

  When you were dating?

• 1:13:31Mel Robbins?

  No, no, no, with, with-

• 1:13:32Lewis Howes?

  Your kids?

• 1:13:32Mel Robbins?

  Yeah.

• 1:13:33Lewis Howes?

  Okay.

• 1:13:33Mel Robbins?

  Um, I did some, Chris and I did some incredible things, like I think one of the things we got right, very right, is how we handled the discussion around sex.

• 1:13:41Lewis Howes?

  That's good.

• 1:13:42Mel Robbins?

  Yes.

• 1:13:42Lewis Howes?

  Most people never talk about it.

• 1:13:43Mel Robbins?

  Oh, we, we do it in a complete Jedi mind trick way. So, when our kids were young, daughters in particular-

• 1:13:52Lewis Howes?

  Like 12, 13?

• 1:13:53Mel Robbins?

  Yeah. Sat 'em down and said, "Listen, sex is amazing." It is one of the most incredible things about your adult life.

• 1:14:01Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 1:14:02Mel Robbins?

  It is so incredible that you do not wanna waste that experience of the first time you experience sex with some loser in the back of a car. Like, this is actually something that deserves respect, and you wanna have that experience with somebody that you love, and here's, and we wanna make sure you're safe and that you are with a partner so you can enjoy it. Cause a lot of times the first experience, and they're, and your kids are like this, "Wait, are you telling me to have sex? What's happening here?" And see, so here's what we're gonna do. When you think you love somebody, and you have found the person you would like to have your first sexual experience with, come to Dad and I.

• 1:14:43Lewis Howes?

  Hmm, that's good.

• 1:14:44Mel Robbins?

  And we will get your protection, and here's what else we're gonna do. We're gonna, uh, leave the house.

• 1:14:49Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 1:14:50Mel Robbins?

  So you can have the house to yourself.

• 1:14:53Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 1:14:54Mel Robbins?

  You can be in your room- Why is it crazy?

• 1:14:57Lewis Howes?

  Nah, it's amazing you guys did that.

• 1:14:59Mel Robbins?

  You can be in your room, you can play music, you can be in a safe space, and you can take your time, like, we won't ask any details-

• 1:15:06Lewis Howes?

  Wow, that's amazing.

• 1:15:07Mel Robbins?

  But we'll leave for the, you know, we'll leave for many hours and then we'll come home. And what was fascinating is, like, our kids gave us that look like.

• 1:15:18Mel Robbins?

  And then they came to us.

• 1:15:21Mel Robbins?

  And what

• 1:15:22Lewis Howes?

  They came what, in thirteen, fourteen?

• 1:15:23Mel Robbins?

  No, no, like, I think like sophomore year maybe, and a sophomore year. And what was amazing about it is that when you have your conversation match the reality, which is sex is amazing.

• 1:15:36Lewis Howes?

  Because they're gonna do it anyways at some point.

• 1:15:38Mel Robbins?

  And do you want them talking to their dick friends about it?

• 1:15:42Lewis Howes?

  Who have no clue about it.

• 1:15:43Mel Robbins?

  And this also gives you a chance, by the way, to be there as an adult to then go, oh, because when they come to you, you're like, I'm not ready for this. But you don't say that. You say, okay, well, why do you think you're ready? And tell me how this person makes you feel. And, you know, hopefully you, and we, of course, they had been in a relationship for a year or so, so we knew the person and we, and so that was absolutely incredible because that is exactly what happened. And we got them

• 1:16:14Lewis Howes?

  That's amazing.

• 1:16:14Mel Robbins?

  Protection, and we left the house, and they felt supported. And the other thing that

• 1:16:19Lewis Howes?

  Because otherwise, they would do it behind your back anyways, if they didn't

• 1:16:22Mel Robbins?

  Of course.

• 1:16:22Lewis Howes?

  Tell you about it. They'd go do it in the back of a car and hide it from you.

• 1:16:25Mel Robbins?

  And then feel shame.

• 1:16:26Lewis Howes?

  And hide it from you.

• 1:16:27Mel Robbins?

  Instead of feeling empowered. And for, for girls in particular, there is not a loud enough conversation about pleasure and sex and empowerment and sex and being in the driver's seat around it. And so there's too much shame and secrecy around it, which is why it becomes a mental health issue. And so the other thing that I think was interesting too is, you know, and in that same conversation, we were like, and look, you're gonna get a lot of pressure as you are fooling around with people to go down on them. I want you to stop and think about something. Are they going down on you?

• 1:17:10Mel Robbins?

  Mom! Well, I'm serious. This isn't just about them guys. Like, why are you so quick to do that to them?

• 1:17:17Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 1:17:18Mel Robbins?

  You're trying to prove something? Like, isn't... Shouldn't it be reciprocal? Haven't you thought about the fact that your needs are important? And that you should be with somebody that really is concerned about your needs too? I mean, talk about a mind... Because it gets them to stop and consider. Wait, I have power in this? Because from a very young age, from a gender, traditional heterosexual gender perspective, what happens at a junior high dance? Who asks who to dance?

• 1:17:50Lewis Howes?

  The guy asks the girl.

• 1:17:51Mel Robbins?

  Correct. So the girls are trained to wait.

• 1:17:54Lewis Howes?

  To wait.

• 1:17:55Mel Robbins?

  And to be chosen. And then you notice who gets picked and who doesn't.

• 1:18:00Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 1:18:01Mel Robbins?

  And so, from a very young age, we are socialized to believe that we are supposed to be picked. Which is where so much of the preening and the sexualization comes from. And so, as a mom, I have been trying in subtle ways, and not so subtle ways, to get my daughters to go, "Well, why are they picking?" It's not like, you know, I get that it sucks that you go to a bar and all the guys approach your friends, but why are you waiting to get picked?

• 1:18:33Lewis Howes?

  Sure.

• 1:18:36Mel Robbins?

  Like, can we change the conversation about this? Can you think differently about this? Like, don't you have so much cool [BLEEP] going on?

• 1:18:42Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 1:18:43Mel Robbins?

  Why would you leave it up to some random dude approaching you?

• 1:18:45Lewis Howes?

  I know.

• 1:18:47Mel Robbins?

  But, and then, finally, one more thing. Never tell them all that stuff when they're in distress.

• 1:18:54Lewis Howes?

  Oh, right.

• 1:18:55Mel Robbins?

  So when they call you, and they're like freaking out because some guy they've been hooking up with now is hooking up with somebody else, or they're not texting back, or they're sad about this, or they're worried about that, just say this. This changed my parenting. I know I've shared it with you before. Do you want me to listen? Or do you like some advice? And they always say, "I want you to listen." And the other question that I always just ask, as I'm listening and I'm going, "Red flag, red flag, red flag," is, "Well, how did that make you feel?"

• 1:19:30Mel Robbins?

  How did that make you feel? Is that how you want to feel? How would it be, like, what would you have wanted this person to do? To get them to start to vocalize how it's actually impacting them?

• 1:19:44Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:19:46Mel Robbins?

  Because if you tell them, "I don't like that person," or "I don't like what you're doing," now what you're doing is you're creating this triangle and they'll choose the romantic partner.

• 1:19:55Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 1:19:56Mel Robbins?

  So if you want to make an impact, it's this tricky dance of knowing that they're in a red flag situation or a mismatch that's not great for their mental health. But you've got to find ways to just listen and validate to keep them close.

• 1:20:12Lewis Howes?

  Yeah. Why do you think 99% of people stay single? That are single?

• 1:20:20Mel Robbins?

  Wait, what?

• 1:20:20Lewis Howes?

  Why do you think the people that are single stay single? Why do you think that's hard for them to get into a healthy, conscious relationship? Why do you think they're staying single longer and it's hard for them to enter a relationship?

• 1:20:31Mel Robbins?

  Oh, I think it's probably because there's stuff about themselves that they can't stand or are insecure about and they're trying to solve it with a relationship. Like, a relationship's not a Band-Aid for the things you don't like about yourself. A relationship just amplifies. It either amplifies insecurity or amplifies more of the good stuff. And so if you're chronically single, and look, I don't know that this is true, but my guess is there's probably something that you've been unwilling to look at and you believe that a relationship is going to solve it.

• 1:21:07Lewis Howes?

  What's going to solve the problem?

• 1:21:09Mel Robbins?

  Yeah.

• 1:21:09Lewis Howes?

  What will solve the problem instead of the relationship?

• 1:21:13Mel Robbins?

  Um, I think, like, doing all the work to just face the stuff that you're avoiding or that you feel pain about. And look, I, you know, one of my best friends in the whole world is like the greatest person. I just adore her. And she's been single for a long time and has not met anybody. And it makes me really, really sad. And, because she's sad about it. Because she's lonely.

• 1:21:37Lewis Howes?

  How long has she been single for?

• 1:21:40Mel Robbins?

  Well, I mean, she's dated people, but just not found the one, and she's my age. And, you know, has always wanted to get married.

• 1:21:47Lewis Howes?

  Never been married.

• 1:21:47Mel Robbins?

  No, always wanted to, wanted to have kids, was with the wrong person in her 30s. And, you know, was with somebody who kept saying, like you said, mismatch. I don't want kids, I don't want to get married, and she kept thinking she could change them. And then all of a sudden, 40 hits, and just a lot of dating and not finding the right person. And there's probably something, like you said, there's a long string of things. And even if you've been in therapy, maybe there's something that you haven't really uncovered yet.

• 1:22:20Lewis Howes?

  It's powerful relationship advice. I want people to follow you on the new podcast, the Mel Robbins Podcast. Make sure you guys check it out. MelRobbins.com, everyone Instagram, social media, you're crushing the social media game. New podcast's amazing, twice a week right now.

• 1:22:37Mel Robbins?

  Yeah.

• 1:22:38Lewis Howes?

  So make sure you guys go check it out, subscribe, leave a review.

• 1:22:40Mel Robbins?

  You can also hear me, the second episode is my daughter calling.

• 1:22:44Lewis Howes?

  I know, it's fascinating.

• 1:22:45Mel Robbins?

  Saying that somebody she used to be interested in now likes her friend. And, and I record a phone call.

• 1:22:52Lewis Howes?

  Crazy.

• 1:22:53Mel Robbins?

  That we, where we unpack that sort of emotional tsunami, and how do you make it a win? Because she doesn't want to be with them, it just stirs up all that insecurity, right? When somebody chooses somebody else, even though you don't want to be with them. And I really wanted to not just talk about this stuff, I wanted to bring people along for the ride in real time. And so my, my, my boundary with my kids, though, is nothing airs unless you've heard it.

• 1:23:21Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 1:23:21Mel Robbins?

  And you said it's okay. And of course, she's now like crazy in love with somebody and.

• 1:23:26Lewis Howes?

  She doesn't care anymore.

• 1:23:27Mel Robbins?

  That's like two weeks ago, I don't care.

• 1:23:29Lewis Howes?

  I love it. Mel, very grateful for your wisdom. I think 26 years of, of marriage and, you know, some great stuff and some challenges. You've got a lot of wisdom to share.

• 1:23:40Mel Robbins?

  So do you.

• 1:23:41Lewis Howes?

  And I.

• 1:23:42Mel Robbins?

  I'm stealing that three-part thing. Chris, you're number three, kids are number four, dog is number five.

• 1:23:47Lewis Howes?

  Exactly, right? I think you got to put your health first, but I mean, again, most women don't want to hear that. You didn't want to hear that right away.

• 1:23:53Mel Robbins?

  Most dudes don't want to hear it, okay?

• 1:23:55Lewis Howes?

  But when I told, when I told Martha this, she was like. Thank you, because everyone that I've dated before made me their priority and they didn't have a mission or a purpose. And so that was the key. It was like, she's like, what is the thing you want to do in life? So, very grateful for you for sharing your wisdom and excited for people to check out your show with the episode about your daughter.

• 1:24:16Mel Robbins?

  Right, it's number two.

• 1:24:18Lewis Howes?

  It'll be powerful. I hope you enjoyed today's episode and it inspired you on your journey towards greatness. Make sure to check out the show notes in the description for a full rundown of today's episode with all the important links. And if you want weekly exclusive bonus episodes with me personally, as well as ad-free listening, then make sure to subscribe to our Greatness Plus channel exclusively on Apple Podcasts. Share this with a friend on social media and leave us a review on Apple Podcasts as well. Let me know what you enjoyed about this episode in that review. I really love hearing feedback from you and it helps us figure out how we can support and serve you moving forward. And I want to remind you of no one has told you lately that you are loved, you are worthy, and you matter. And

• 1:25:03Lewis Howes?

  now it's time to go out there and do something great.