467. The psychology of the cab theory

Does the taxi cab theory actually explain why some people suddenly become ready to settle down, or is it just another dating myth? In this episode, we’re breaking down the psychology behind the infamous, Sex and The City taxi cab theory and asking whether timing really can determine who we end up with. We explore commitment readiness, the social clock, why our relationship priorities change as we age, and the painful psychology of watching someone give their next partner everything they refused to give you. Watch on Netflix: HERE https://netflix.com/thepsychologyofyour20s We discuss: • The psychology behind the taxi cab theory • Why someone can suddenly become “ready” for commitment • The foster girlfriend phenomenon • Why timing matters, but compatibility matters more • How to tell when someone is genuinely serious about you • Why waiting for someone’s “light to switch on” can keep you stuck Follow Jemma on Instagram: @jemmasbeg https://www.instagram.com/jemmasbeg/?hl=en# Follow the podcast on Instagram: @thatpsychologypodcast https://www.instagram.com/thatpsychologypodcast/?hl=en# Subscribe on Substack: @thepsychologyofyour20s https://substack.com/@thepsychologyofyour20s For business: [email protected] mailto:[email protected] The Psychology of your 20s is not a substitute for professional mental health help. If you are struggling, distressed or require personalised advice, please reach out to your doctor or a licensed psychologist. See omnystudio.com/listener https://omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Speaker 00

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• 0:04Jemma Sbeg?

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• 0:41Jemma Sbeg?

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• 1:26Jemma Sbeg?

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• 2:11Jemma Sbeg?

  new to this, no worries. Every student gets a dedicated academic advisor. And here's the best part, there's no set class times. So school actually fits your life. Ready to get started? Visit SNHU.edu/psych. That's SNHU.edu/psych. You know that feeling when your skin just needs a tall drink of water? That's what Clinique Moisture Surge 100 Hour Moisturizer is for. Moisture Surge 100 Hour Moisturizer absorbs instantly and hydrates for 100 hours for plump, glowing skin. That's right, 100 hours. It is a lightweight,

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• 3:26Jemma Sbeg?

  Hello, everybody. I'm Jemma Sbeg and welcome back to the Psychology of Your 20s, the podcast where we talk through the biggest changes, moments, and transitions of our 20s, and what they mean for our psychology.

• 3:46Jemma Sbeg?

  Hello, everybody. Welcome back to the show. Welcome back to the podcast. It is so great to have you here back for another episode, as we, of course, break down the psychology of your 20s. Today, we are talking about a theory, a specific theory that says, in dating, timing is everything, specifically for men. A theory that basically says who a man ends up with is completely determined by who he happens to be with or who he happens to be dating when he suddenly decides he wants commitment. This theory has a name. It's known as the Taxi Cab Theory. And before I

• 4:25Jemma Sbeg?

  fully explain what it means, I have to give you its kind of pop culture history. If you are a fan of Sex and the City, you already know it. But at various points in my life, I don't know if you guys do this, I like to re-watch certain, or like rebinge, like certain TV shows. And I go in like these cycles. And like last year, it was Gimmo Girls, like then it's The Office, it's New Girl, it's Friends. And these past few months, it's been Sex and the City. I've been on a full binge for the show, all of its faults, all of its incredible wisdom. There is so much in that

• 5:00Jemma Sbeg?

  series that is ridiculous, but also so interesting to explore from a psychological perspective. I remember being 21 and thinking Carrie Bradshaw was like the coolest person in the world. She is like the most perfect example of emotional insecurity, or like emotional unavailability. It is like, it is a series that deserves an entire psychological analysis. But the show, for, like I said, all its faults, it has some really wise moments. And it has some moments that have like influenced an entire generation of people and how they see dating. And the Taxi Cab Theory is probably one of the most famous examples of this. So the Taxi Cab Theory comes

• 5:44Jemma Sbeg?

  from a particular scene where Miranda, one of the characters, essentially says that men are like cabs. When they're available, their light goes on. They wake up one day and they decide they're ready to settle down, they're ready to have babies, they're ready to buy a house, and then they turn their light on. And the next woman they pick up, or the next person who steps into the cab, is the one that they marry. The theory essentially says, who you end up with, it's not love, it's not fate, it is timing and convenience, and it is the choice of the man. It's very similar to the idea of right person, wrong time, but kind of more so emphasizes the idea of like, right time, any person. Now, this was obviously written as a joke, but I think the reason it

• 6:28Jemma Sbeg?

  resonated, even decades later, is because a lot of us have experienced something that really closely resembles to this. There is a bit of truth in the fun. And I think we've experienced this regardless of gender. You know, you're in a situationship with somebody for months, maybe even years, and like they won't commit, they don't want a label, they don't want to be with you, and you finally break up with them. And then like a month later, you hear that they have a long-term, or a serious girlfriend, or a serious partner. Your last partner refuses to move in with you, or isn't sure about kids. And then the relationship ends, you go your separate ways. And with the next person, like they are suddenly sure. They suddenly know they want all the things

• 7:13Jemma Sbeg?

  they didn't want with you. You know, this person who was never ready for you seemingly changes overnight and becomes everything you wanted them to be for the next person. It's devastating. It's really sad. I have a friend who is experiencing this right now. She spent eight years of her life with someone, and he never wanted kids. She did. They broke up. And literally, last week, that was like a year ago, last week, she gets a text from a mutual friend that, you know, like he's going to be a dad, he's going to have a kid. And it's like, the breakup is, how she described it, it's like it's back to square one. That whole year of healing is kind

• 7:53Jemma Sbeg?

  of out of the window. That's the Taxi Cab Theory. That's what it kind of says. Men choose when they're ready. Is that actually true? I want to look at some of the psychological evidence or some of the science behind this experience, you know, do, is there something in a man's brain that suddenly switches on at some stage in their life? Meaning that they're just going to make it work with whoever comes next? Like, is it biology? Is it the right person? Is it the social clock? Is it social conditioning? I've read so many papers on this. I have done the deep diving into the scientific research for you guys. And today, I can reveal the truth about the Taxi Cab Theory. Is it true or false? Without further ado, let's get into it.

• 8:42Jemma Sbeg?

  So the first thing to note about the taxi cab theory is that I just think it represents a rather old fashioned way of seeing dating and seeing relationships that it's not a hundred percent generalizable. It's not really as relevant anymore. It really plants men firmly in the center of a relationship as like the holder of all the power. They are the only decision maker. They are the only one that has a say. And that's just not correct. Women, people of all genders, we all have our own internal dialogue about whether we're ready to settle down, whether we want kids, whether we want this person, want to have kids with

• 9:23Jemma Sbeg?

  them, whether we're ready for long term commitment. All of us make that choice. A relationship is a mutual choice and people, both parties have an equal say. I think there is this general idea that women always want more commitment than men, but that's changing and it has been changing for a while. There was a large scale survey in 2022 from the Pew Research Center that showed men actually want a committed relationship and to date more than women do. Thirty five percent of women were looking for a relationship or wanted to date, according to the survey, compared to fifty percent of men. So there's something shifting. In fact, there was a two thousand and twenty five research paper

• 10:06Jemma Sbeg?

  published in Scientific America that found men actually crave romantic relationships more than women do in this day and age. So this paper drew on more than fifty studies of mixed gender relationships in Germany, in the US, in the Netherlands. And it basically proposed that men are typically less happy being single than women are. And they gain more from a relationship in terms of like mental, emotional, physical even, health benefits than women do. And they rely more on their partners. So they have more of a desire to want commitment. There was a separate study done in two thousand and fifteen, though, published at the University of Sunderland that did say something a little bit different.

• 10:50Jemma Sbeg?

  It essentially concluded that men might want commitment more, women want more evidence of commitment. So they are more likely to crave somebody really confirming for them. Yes, I want to be with you. Yes, this relationship is heading in the right direction. Yes, marriage, babies, kids, like that's something that we're going to eventually do. Men need a little bit less of that. The reason I present these two kind of opposing papers or ideas is to basically show you like any theory, like the taxi cab theory, is complicated. It's gonna be flawed. It's not going to describe everyone perfectly. The taxi cab theory also doesn't really have an explanation for queer relationships, or why long term committed

• 11:34Jemma Sbeg?

  relationships suddenly just break up. Like, does somebody turn their light off? Does everybody's light eventually switch off and then back on for somebody else? Like, does commitment have a shelf life? Was somebody lying about their desire for commitment in the first place? It doesn't really have an explanation. It says, men want commitment when they want commitment. They date whoever's there, they marry whoever is there, and that is the end, that is the conclusion of that story. And there's a lot more to that story. There's a lot that happens after the fact. That's the first major issue with the taxi cab theory. It assumes that men chase, men pursue, men choose, and women just kind of

• 12:16Jemma Sbeg?

  wait and pray and hope, maybe beg, when actually, these days, more women are avoiding dating and more women are avoiding long term committed relationships than men. So I don't think it really applies. However, there is some evidence for it. All those instances where a man suddenly wants commitment out of the blue, or seemingly changes for someone and becomes serious the older they get, there is some support for that. But there is also some support that this happens in everyone, regardless of gender. The first theory is the commitment readiness theory. The second theory that explains why this seemingly kind

• 12:58Jemma Sbeg?

  of happens overnight is the socio emotional timing theory. And the third theory is the social clock theory. And these kind of provide evidence that maybe it is as quick as we sometimes see. So let's break these down one by one, starting with the commitment readiness theory. So this theory was proposed by three researchers in two thousand and eighteen, and it is probably the closest, like legitimate, psychological concept or psychological idea that we have to the taxi cab theory. These two sit probably the closest together. Essentially, what these researchers found was that people differ in how prepared they feel for commitment

• 13:40Jemma Sbeg?

  in different periods of their lives. And those differences seem to influence whether they pursue a relationship and how committed they eventually become once they are in that relationship. People who were high in commitment readiness, they really want to put a label on things. They really want to pursue a certain kind of person and a certain kind of bond. And they will often try and make things work with somebody if they see a possibility of a future. They really, they just want commitment. People who are low in commitment readiness,

• 14:20Jemma Sbeg?

  they could be with the most perfect person for them. Compatibility, like off the charts. This person could be a supermodel who is a Harvard graduate and runs a children's farm and they're a millionaire. And if this person's commitment readiness is low, that does not, none of those things matter. They will still not choose them. They will still not want to be in a committed relationship with them, want any of those things. They might cheat, they might find reasons not to be with this person because that baseline level, that commitment readiness factor is not there. So what influences somebody's level of commitment readiness is complex. We know that it can be a stable personality trait. So some people

• 15:05Jemma Sbeg?

  just never want commitment. It's just who they are and how they are. But we also know it is a trait that can kind of change across our lifetime based on our circumstances. Basically, people are kind of split down the middle. Is this something you're born with, that you grow into, or that changes over your lifetime? For example, your desire to enter into like a long term committed relationship is gonna change based on whether you've just gone through a breakup, whether you're about to move overseas, whether or what is going on with your work and with your family and with your health. Like, all those things are gonna determine whether you are open to something new. Your commitment readiness is gonna be really high if you've been single for a few years, you know, you're seeing all your friends

• 15:50Jemma Sbeg?

  get married, you're really settled into a new city, maybe you're feeling a little bit lonely. So there are dials to this. What this theory says is that you could essentially meet the exact same person at different times in your life and have a very different reaction. In situation one, you're low in commitment readiness, and this perfect person could just be somebody that you're cool to hang out with casually. In situation two, you might be high in commitment readiness and this person is suddenly your soulmate. You could really see it working out. Nothing has really changed except for the circumstances and except for how you are feeling about the situation. That's what taxi cab theory

• 16:31Jemma Sbeg?

  might be getting at, right? Timing is everything, even when we wish it wasn't. Sometimes it's just the context. It's just where we are at in our lives that determines whether the person we are with could be the one. Now, something that influences this timing is obviously age and is obviously getting older. And this is, well, it really beautifully leads into something called socio emotional selectivity theory. So this theory was first developed by a Stanford psychologist, her name is Laura L. Carsten. And in her research, she essentially began to notice that you and I, like, we make different decisions when

• 17:11Jemma Sbeg?

  we're young compared to when we're old. Specifically, as we age, she saw this pattern where people make different choices and they have different goals. So when we perceive the future as expansive and we feel like we have endless time ahead of us, we tend to prioritize exploration, novelty, information, and new experiences. When our perception of time becomes more limited, we tend to become more selective, and we tend to place greater importance on emotionally meaningful relationships and experiences. You can see how this leads into taxi cab theory. This theory, though, like, it's normally discussed in relation to aging,

• 17:55Jemma Sbeg?

  and it's normally discussed in relation to why older people are kind of happier, just being around their family and being in nature and kind of doing their own thing. They're really stuck in their ways and like their old habits. It's normally described for those choices. But I think there is something about it that maps really nicely onto the dating behavior we're exploring in this episode. When you're twenty one or twenty five, you know, every door feels really open. A lot of people, not all people, but I would say a lot of us feel like at twenty one, it's a waste, maybe to seek out a long term relationship because there are so many people to meet and so many people to hang out with.

• 18:36Jemma Sbeg?

  That feels different at twenty seven or thirty one or thirty five or forty. Something in us shifts. There's been certain research, including a really good two thousand and twenty three paper from the International Psychological Association that actually suggests how old you are will dictate what you seek in a relationship. It confirms what we were talking about before. When you are young, what's really important is novelty and humour and getting along with somebody and maybe looks. As we get older, personality becomes more important, value alignment becomes more important, income becomes more important.

• 19:20Jemma Sbeg?

  But when we're, you know, when we're in our early twenties, like, how much money somebody makes isn't as important as kind of how they make us feel and like how passionate the bond is. This is essentially pointing to the fact that as we get older, we place a greater emphasis on things to do with the stability of a long term relationship. And we are more likely to value somebody who feels like we could make a commitment to. Why is this? I feel like we know why, but let's lay it out. As you get older, the future feels more real and it feels more concrete. And there are all these outside pressures that are telling you that you need stability. Your parents are getting older, your friends are getting married, your friends are maybe

• 20:03Jemma Sbeg?

  having kids, your friends are buying houses. And that really puts everything that you might want from your future into perspective and makes it feel like, all right, the time is ticking, I need to find somebody. All that time that you feel like you have to meet, somebody starts to dwindle. Now, that doesn't mean that you become desperate and you settle down immediately, but it does change the relative importance you place on stability compared to novelty and values compared to passion. And you start looking for something more serious. And, you know, what you look for is normally ends up being what you find. Let me say, that is not always a good thing. If your timeline to find the one feels like it's shrinking and the options look more

• 20:48Jemma Sbeg?

  and more scarce and you get really, really desperate, you can very easily end up choosing the wrong person. We know this feeling and this phenomena as the scarcity effect in psychology. People make really irrational choices when they feel like they have few choices. And this is another flaw with taxi cab theory. Sure, a man might pick someone, might be like, ooh, I've turned thirty five, time to find my wife. And they seek out a committed relationship and they make it work for a while. Does that mean that it's a good relationship? They might have commitment now, doesn't mean they're gonna have commitment in ten years. I don't know, probably not.

• 21:30Jemma Sbeg?

  Being chosen is not, or making a choice, is not all that a good relationship is. You have to choose that person again and again and again and again. You have to like them for more than the stability that they provide you, given your sense of social pressure or given life circumstances. However, the socio emotional selectivity theory may actually explain why men commit later and why women feel perhaps increasingly desperate. This is really what the theory is saying. We get to a certain age where a man makes a choice and women are like, well, thank God, I'm being chosen and they agree. Let's explore why that might be slash probably, you know, why that's changing after this

• 22:15Jemma Sbeg?

  short break.

• 22:21Jemma Sbeg?

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• 22:58Jemma Sbeg?

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• 23:39Jemma Sbeg?

  people, and most importantly, doctors, to separate fact from fiction. Because when it comes to your health, who you listen to matters. Listen to Health Versus Hype on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

• 23:58Jemma Sbeg?

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• 24:41Jemma Sbeg?

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• 25:57Jemma Sbeg?

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• 26:41Jemma Sbeg?

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• 27:01Jemma Sbeg?

  So a big part of taxi cab theory is like, why do men supposedly settle down later? Like, what's driving this pattern? The evolutionary explanation is very simple. Men simply have more time to have children. There we go, done. That's literally it. That's what evolutionary psychologists would say. Biologically, their time horizon for mating and producing offspring is longer. If you want children for women, that means that the pressure to find somebody is put into sharper focus, perhaps earlier on. I'm in my late twenties now and something changes at twenty five and twenty six. All my friends are talking about fertility. We're not talking about having kids, but we're talking about, do we want kids? We're talking about, what kind of parent do you think we're gonna be?

• 27:46Jemma Sbeg?

  We're talking about all these little things. And I don't wanna make he, you know, big assumptions, but I just don't see men the same age having those same conversations. And I don't see my single male friends worrying about whether they're going to be able to have kids or find somebody to have kids with compared to my single female friends for whom the biological clock is really, really influencing them. The biological clock is one thing. The social clock is the second layer to this. We've spoken about this before, uh, probably recently, actually. But the social clock describes the culturally constructed timeline that tells us when certain milestones are supposedly meant to be happening.

• 28:28Jemma Sbeg?

  So leaving home, I don't know, choosing your career, finding a partner, getting married, having kids. All of us have this kind of blueprint in our mind of when those things should happen. We absorb these timelines. And then when we fall off that timeline, when we don't meet it, there is something in our brain that goes, okay, we've done, we've, we need to get back on. Like, we've done something wrong. There is this unconscious socially conditioned alarm clock that wants you to get back onto the prescribed train tracks. This actually explains why turning thirty, for example,

• 29:07Jemma Sbeg?

  becomes such a bizarre psychological moment and becomes like, and really puts like big life changes in perspective. Um, not just for relationships, but, but for everything. It's why we often see that like commit or get out moment around thirty. Nothing magical happens. Biologically, there is nothing going on in a man or a woman's brain at this age that's like, okay, I need to meet somebody. But culturally, something happens. Turning thirty is incredibly symbolic. It is like the most, it is like an adult age. Thirty is an adult age. We feel like we've entered this new level of growing up. Psychologically, that is what influences our behavior to commit, both in men and women.

• 29:50Jemma Sbeg?

  Someone's like metaphorical cab light doesn't switch on. Like, there is no biology that changes overnight. What changes overnight is our appreciation and our stress for the social timeline and how we are or we aren't kind of meeting it. That's what the taxi cab theory might be explaining. So there's one final factor here that perhaps explains why someone suddenly becomes ready for commitment seemingly in like the blink of an eye after, I don't know, maybe dragging their feet for a long time. And I've got to say, it's probably the most painful explanation of this whole episode.

• 30:36Jemma Sbeg?

  It's the most personal explanation for why this sometimes happens and why maybe you've experienced it.

• 30:43Jemma Sbeg?

  Simply put, your previous relationships give you more knowledge of who you are as a partner and they make you a better partner, even if you don't end up being with that person. Being in a relationship like leaves you fundamentally changed. It challenges you. You also feel supported by it, but also you feel, yeah, it, it challenges you. And that the friction of being in a relationship with somebody, whether it works out or not, is hopefully going to mean that you become a better person from that relationship. In psychology, this is called self-expansion theory or the self-expansion theory of love.

• 31:24Jemma Sbeg?

  We are naturally motivated to pursue relationships that are going to expand our potential and going to expand our identity and our sense of self. That is, the, the, the best kinds of love, even the love that doesn't last, should do that. It should make you a better person, or at least it should try and help you bond with somebody else. That expansion doesn't guarantee the relationship will last forever. Sometimes people become the best versions of themselves in a relationship and then they exit that relationship and get to be the best version of themselves for somebody else. And it is so unfair. It is so unfair. If you haven't heard about the idea of the foster girlfriend, this is basically what this is. This is basically what I'm talking about when we talk about this phenomenon.

• 32:10Jemma Sbeg?

  So a foster girlfriend is like the girl that everyone dates before they find or before they choose the love of their life. It's like the home that the kennel sends all their worst cases to. And this loving person mends their wounds and teaches, teaches this little dog that like other people are safe and teaches them how to love. And then they go to their forever home. And the person who did all the healing and did all the mending is left with basically nothing until the next case comes along and the cycle repeats. Being the foster girlfriend is really bittersweet because you get to see all these people benefit from the work that you put in

• 32:52Jemma Sbeg?

  whilst you wait for the person who wants to put that work in with you. And eventually you get to this point of wondering like, am I ever gonna find that? Am I ever gonna have my forever person? Again, this may explain why time and time again, we see this pattern. Someone leaves a relationship and the next person they date is the one. As devastating as it is, that formal relationship gave them, possibly gave them the clarity and gave them the tools that they couldn't gain on their own. In the process of gaining all that clarity and gaining all their tools, it burnt out that old relationship.

• 33:34Jemma Sbeg?

  That relationship needed to die for that person to emerge, for both people to emerge. And then they build something new from that. They build something new from that kind of decay and all that learning. Being the person who was left behind is horrible. Let me just make that so clear as somebody who has been in that situation so many times. It's horrible, especially when it happens time and time again. But just because the timing didn't work out and just because that relationship kind of burnt to the ground, doesn't mean other things were working, right? Just because this person ended up being better, doesn't mean the relationship was good. This is a major flaw with the taxi cab theory. It puts everything down to circumstances, everything down to timing.

• 34:19Jemma Sbeg?

  And often that means we neglect the deeper picture and we kind of ignore all the other stuff that may not have been going right or may have never worked in the first place, right? To use another Sex and the City example, for those of you who have watched the show. You know, Carrie and Big, Carrie and Big are like this classic relationship at the center of this TV show. And they tried time and time again at various points in their life to make that relationship work. And it remained an awful relationship. Like, you literally left her at the altar. Sorry to spoil it if you haven't seen the movie. And like, in the end, they end up together again, another spoiler. Sorry, it's been out for a while. I feel like you should have watched it by now, but you know, they end up together.

• 35:02Jemma Sbeg?

  Did that make all the pain that came before it worth it? Just because somebody finally chose the other person? You know, there, there was like decades of this person not knowing if either of the other, like if the other person was the right one. It was decades of like hurting each other and hurting other people they were in relationships with. Like, just because they end up together, does that mean that it was the right relationship? And like, all's well that ends well? I don't know. I think what the taxi cab theory is missing is this ingredient, which is that both people need to want to be there. Wrong timings, I think sometimes saying that something is the wrong timing seems nicer than saying the desire and the passion

• 35:46Jemma Sbeg?

  perhaps just actually wasn't there either. Do you know what I mean? Like, maybe this person actually just didn't wanna be with me. That distinction is incredibly important, especially if you're currently dating somebody who, you know, keeps telling you that they aren't ready. There is a huge difference between somebody lacking general relationship readiness because of their personality or because of where they are at in their life or their desires and somebody lacking relationship readiness with you. And unfortunately, I don't think we can always know which one it is. And I think this is where the cab theory becomes psychologically a little bit harmful

• 36:30Jemma Sbeg?

  and a little bit dangerous because if you believe taxi cab theory, you will stay in the wrong relationship far longer than you need to. Because you have this deep belief that eventually their light is gonna go on. It becomes so easy to convince yourself, okay, wait, maybe they're not ready now, but once this part of our life is over, they will be. Once this part of our life is over, they will be. Once they turn thirty, once all of our friends start having kids, once this busy period at work, you just sit and you just like watch the light and you wait for it to turn on. Meanwhile, there were all these other people around you who might be better fits. Yes, people have their own timelines and you know what?

• 37:13Jemma Sbeg?

  Marrying somebody six months out the gate probably isn't wise. Committing to somebody immediately or with a rushed timeline probably isn't a good idea. People do take their time to make these decisions. But if you have been sitting and sitting and sitting and sitting in a relationship or a situationship or anything like that, being like, they're gonna change eventually, they're gonna change eventually. Maybe they just won't and actually maybe they just won't for you and the best thing you can do is to move forward. When we really like somebody, I think these theories offer a lot of comfort. And they provide like a bit of an illusion that we might be able to fix this problem. We might be able to to solve it, we might be able, like, it's all a matter of time.

• 37:59Jemma Sbeg?

  Eventually, I think the overanalyzing that you're doing and the search for different explanations becomes quite harmful because there can be a million reasons why somebody is the way they are. There can be a million reasons why they won't commit and why they're avoidant and why they don't want what you want, they don't want marriage, they don't want a label, whatever. It just gets to a point where that really doesn't matter anymore. There can be a completely accurate explanation for how they are the way, like, for why they are the way they are. Does it change how you feel though? No, because if you still feel terrible and sad and you still feel like you're begging for the bare minimum.

• 38:40Jemma Sbeg?

  All those explanations do is make you feel unjustified for having your feeling because we can explain their behaviour away. I heard this quote from a psychologist once, which I think is perfect for this situation, which is an explanation can create empathy, but it doesn't necessarily create compatibility. That is really critical in situations like this. So how do we know when someone is ready? How do we know when somebody's light is actually on? Not just for, not just for everyone, but for us. Like, how do we know when somebody is serious and wants to date us?

• 39:21Jemma Sbeg?

  And is ready to do that in a healthy way. We're gonna talk about it after the short break. Stay with us.

• 39:32Jemma Sbeg?

  This episode is sponsored by Gymshark. Gymshark has spent over fourteen years obsessing over gym clothing and the people who wear it. And let me just say, I think we all know they are very, very good at what they do. No, seriously, their stuff is so good. Their everyday seamless collection is light, it's soft, it's stretchy. All of their stuff just looks good on and it's made for people who love to exercise, whatever exercise that is. Lifting, cardio, Pilates, running around campus, maybe just doing errands. Discover Gymshark and find your new favourite gym clothing at gymshark.com.

• 40:09Jemma Sbeg?

  These days, there are more people than ever telling you how to manage your health. And we've all gone down an internet rabbit hole exploring the latest health trends. Your social media feed is packed with wellness advice telling you to cold plunge, protein max, detox, track your sleep. But what's actually real? What's exaggerated? What's just wrong? That's exactly what Health vs. Hype from the American Medical Association and iHeartMedia's Ruby Studio is here to find out. Each episode, Emmy nominated science communicator Trace Dominguez, who's racked up billions of views across PBS, Discovery Channel and YouTube,

• 40:48Jemma Sbeg?

  talks to health influencers, real people, and most importantly, doctors, to separate fact from fiction. Because when it comes to your health, who you listen to matters. Listen to Health vs. Hype on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. Growth isn't linear, there's no magic timeline or secret template. And no one understands that quite like Southern New Hampshire University. Because SNHU has online degree programs built for whatever path you are on. Tried college before? Transfer up to ninety credits. And if you're new to this, no worries. Every student gets a dedicated academic advisor.

• 41:32Jemma Sbeg?

  And here's the best part, there's no set class times, so school actually fits your life. Ready to get started? Visit SNHU.edu/psych. That's SNHU.edu/psych. Something that really frustrates me is when wellness brands greenwash their products to make them seem more clean or better for the environment when they are actually not. When you look into it, they are kind of just like the rest of them. Nature Sunshine, however, doesn't just talk about the planet. They do something about it. They sustainably source ingredients. They craft their supplements with one hundred percent solar powered manufacturing and their products are incredible.

• 42:14Jemma Sbeg?

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• 42:54Jemma Sbeg?

  Go to naturessunshine.com today and use the code PSYCH for twenty percent off your first order plus free shipping. That's code PSYCH for twenty percent off your first order at naturessunshine.com.

• 43:08Jemma Sbeg?

  I've been really trying to prioritize my health in a realistic way this year. And something that has kept me really motivated is my Whoop. I am such a data person, which is why I love Whoop, because I can genuinely see why my body feels differently depending on the day, why I'm running differently, why I'm maybe less focused. Whoop effortlessly tracks my sleep, it tracks my strain, my recovery, my stress, and most importantly, my overall health. And it just gives me all that data and all those patterns so I can make better decisions, which includes knowing when to go easy and knowing when to go hard. New members can try Whoop with a thirty day free trial before committing to a membership. That's join.whoop.com/psychology for your free month of Whoop.

• 43:52Jemma Sbeg?

  So as I said before the break, what are the signs psychologically that someone's light is on for good or that someone's light is on for you, they are emotionally available for you? I think for you is the best part of that sentence, right? We've talked so much about other people in this episode and we've talked too much about past relationships and the people that people go on to date. Enough of that. What should you be looking out for so that you don't find yourself in another waiting game situation? Number one, they talk about the future specifically with excitement and with detail. And they don't just talk about it hypothetically and they don't just talk about it when you do.

• 44:34Jemma Sbeg?

  I think there's difference between I can't wait or I'd love to live in this city and I can't wait or I'd love to live in this city with you. And when you're having these conversations, it doesn't feel like you are dragging out commitment from them. You don't feel anxious for bringing it up or anxious for bringing up the idea that you guys might be together in the future because they are giving you signs, verbal, physical, emotional, that they want the same things. Even if it's not happening right now, they are excited about the possibility of it happening. Number two, they don't breadcrumb you. They don't, they don't, it's not fair to tease somebody with the idea of commitment just so that

• 45:16Jemma Sbeg?

  you get them to stay. And if they're doing that to you, if they're giving you little things only when you get really desperate, only when you really beg for it, I don't think that shows that their light is on. Now, as I said, that doesn't mean that somebody has to know straight out the gate and put a label on something immediately. But when you bring it up to them, like, what's the direction? There is a sense of eventually and not just, I'm avoiding this at all costs. I'm gonna say what I need to say to get you to not talk about this. And I'm gonna say what I need to say to keep you around whilst also not giving you the, a full answer. And that's that. Number three, I also think they mean what they say, right?

• 45:58Jemma Sbeg?

  They don't overpromise and they don't keep delaying timelines. If they said, I think I might be ready for this, or I think we should wait till the three month mark, the four month mark or the three year mark, the four year mark. When you get to those points, maybe they need a little bit longer, but the conversation is there and there are things that are changing. You are not just going in circles and circles and circles. You are making these decisions together. There is an open conversation. Number four, I also think, and this is probably the most important, somebody's light is on for you, but in general, when they don't make you feel bad for wanting to be around them or wanting them in your life.

• 46:39Jemma Sbeg?

  The person who would be right for you would not make you feel weird or make you feel strange or act insulted or act embarrassed by the fact that you wanna be around them and you wanna commit to them. That is such a strange reaction to have. I remember being with someone for whom I was definitely a foster girlfriend, by the way. And I would say, you know, I wish we spent more time together. I kind of wish I knew where this was going, like, I wish that, like, there was a label, whatever. And I distinctly remember this person being like, that is so weird, you're making this so weird. You're making me feel so overwhelmed, you're like embarrassing me, you're embarrassing yourself. We've been dating for like six months.

• 47:23Jemma Sbeg?

  And if somebody's gonna make you feel bad for being earnest and putting your heart on your sleeve and saying, this is what I want, that is not the right relationship. Note what I'm not saying. I'm not saying that if somebody's light is on, it will feel easy. I'm not saying that, you know, when you know, you know, and that everything is relaxed. Because I don't actually think that. I don't think that's the case. I would say a great deal of couples. It's, I just, I really struggle with this, like, when you know, you know, right person, right time, everything is easy from there mentality. I think you can still have tr- like struggles around when or what the timeline is for your relationship and be right for each other. The thing is, the critical thing is that there is a mutual decision making

• 48:08Jemma Sbeg?

  taking place. The taxi cab theory does not include that level of mutual decision making, right? There is one person who is making the decision and one person who is kind of blindly following along. You know, the man decides he is ready to settle down, the light switches on, he chooses the next suitable person who comes along, that's that person. And the person who gets in the cab never for once seems to have an opinion, or never for once seems to also have questions or doubts. And that is a relationship, like that is a relationship. Ongoing conversations and questions about like, is this person actually right for me are completely normal. And I think that anybody who can make that choice so like quickly and willy nilly and be

• 48:49Jemma Sbeg?

  like, great, I'm ready for a relationship, I'll grab that person, jump on my, on my rowboat and we will sail into the, into the sunset. I don't actually think that's going to be a good relationship anyway. So this whole thing around wanting to be chosen, needing to be chosen, waiting to be chosen, I think really strips women specifically of a lot of power. Because it just positions you as not being able to make a choice and it positions men continually as the leader of what is a two-person decision-making relationship. I also wanna say, if someone you loved moved on really, really quickly, yes,

• 49:32Jemma Sbeg?

  maybe the self-growth and the self-expansion theory does hold up and you were the foster girlfriend and they learnt, or foster boyfriend and they, and they learnt and they fixed all their issues through you. Maybe. My bet is that eventually or already, they are going to have similar issues to the ones you had with this new person. Because deeply held relationship patterns do not disappear overnight. Just because the relationship changes and just because the outside of the relationship looks fantastic. So I really want this to be my final word on this. And it's to those of you who have have found yourself being replaced or who have found yourself continuously being the one that, that comes

• 50:14Jemma Sbeg?

  before the end game relationship. I know the feeling. I know the deep sense of dread that no one will ever choose you or want you. It is very easy to believe that you contain a fundamental flaw that makes you unlovable or that these men or these people you've dated have always had a timeline or a preference that you weren't a part of. Yeah, maybe perhaps you feel like you are the person that like people get all their fun out with and then they find the right person for them. Whatever it is that's running through your brain, I want to assure you that one day, not only will be the timing, like the timing will be perfect,

• 50:54Jemma Sbeg?

  but the person will be perfect as well. Because they will have what these other people didn't. Which is a genuine admiration and excitement to be with you regardless of timing. So wait for someone who wants a future with you and is a hundred percent certain and excited for it. It's very easy to see everyone around us getting married and engaged and finding the one. And really think, perhaps I should settle and perhaps I should lower my standards and just choose whoever comes next. Please don't, please don't. Forcing a relationship just because your timeline starts to feel shorter or because you feel like time is running out, it's just never a good idea. There is someone

• 51:39Jemma Sbeg?

  out there as well who is going through exactly what you're going through and they've been dumped and dumped and dumped and the timing's never worked and everybody they've been with has gone on to find a fulfilling relationship and they've kind of been left in the wayside and they are perhaps the perfect person for you. And they are begging you right now, please do not settle. Please do not settle, just because the social clock makes it feel like you must. Or because everyone around you is doing it. So that, my friends, is the evidence for and against the taxi cab theory. To summarize, the theory has a teeny bit of evidence, teeny bit of evidence, but

• 52:25Jemma Sbeg?

  it's been twisted in ways that kind of no longer makes sense. There is not some instinct or some before and after moment where somebody suddenly wants a relationship. It is relationship dependent. It is about being with the right person who you have compatibility with. And that sucks if that wasn't you, but there will be somebody for whom you do have that compatibility with. And it really does come down to this more complex intersection between so, the social clock and what people feel is appropriate, commitment readiness, where somebody is at in their life, and also what they've taken from previous

• 53:06Jemma Sbeg?

  relationships and what they've learnt. And perhaps you've always been the kindling on that fire and you've always been the one who's been burnt so that the next person could kind of go on and find what they're looking for. There is somebody currently who is going through that in their own relationship, who you will one day meet. And I think that that person is worth waiting for, even as time seems to be kind of running out. So that's my summary of the taxi cab theory. Let me know, have you seen examples of this in your own life? Do you think that explanation makes sense? Is there another factor or element of this that you think we might be missing? Make sure that you watch an episode on Netflix. If you haven't, you can also DM me and

• 53:50Jemma Sbeg?

  follow us on Instagram if you want to stay up to date with episodes that are coming out, if you want to contribute to future episodes. I'm always on Instagram asking for your opinions on this theory, on the, not just this theory, on all theories. Might even put a little question box up about it after this episode comes out to be like, what do you guys think? Have you experienced this? So if you want to be part of that, go and follow us at That Psychology Podcast on Instagram. You can follow us on Substack. You can find more links in the description. Everything you need to know is down there. I just hope you enjoyed this episode. I hope you learnt something about the psychology and the science behind a funny little theory from a Sex in the City episode. These are my favorite kind of episodes to

• 54:31Jemma Sbeg?

  make at times. But yeah, until next time, be safe, be kind, be gentle to yourself. I hope you enjoyed. We will talk very, very soon.

• 54:43Jemma Sbeg?

  This episode is sponsored by Gymshark. Gymshark has spent over fourteen years obsessing over gym clothing and the people who wear it. And let me just say, I think we all know, they are very, very good at what they do. No, seriously, their stuff is so good. Their everyday seamless collection is light, it's soft, it's stretchy. All of their stuff just looks good on and it's made for people who love to exercise, whatever exercise that is. Lifting, cardio, Pilates, running around campus, maybe just doing errands. Discover Gymshark and find your new favourite gym clothing at gymshark.com.

• 55:20Jemma Sbeg?

  I've been really trying to prioritize my health in a realistic way this year and something that has kept me really motivated is my Whoop. I am such a data person, which is why I love Whoop, because I can genuinely see why my body feels differently depending on the day, why I'm running differently, why I'm maybe less focused. Whoop effortlessly tracks my sleep, it tracks my strain, my recovery, my stress, and most importantly, my overall health. And it just gives me all that data and all those patterns. So I can make better decisions, which includes knowing when to go easy and knowing when to go hard. New members can try Whoop with a thirty day free trial before committing to a membership. That's join dot whoop dot com slash psychology for your free month of Whoop.

• 56:05Jemma Sbeg?

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• 57:30Jemma Sbeg?

  Growth isn't linear. There's no magic timeline or secret template. And no one understands that quite like Southern New Hampshire University, because SNHU has online degree programs built for whatever path you are on. Tried college before? Transfer up to ninety credits. And if you're new to this, no worries. Every student gets a dedicated academic advisor. And here's the best part, there's no set class times. So school actually fits your life. Ready to get started? Visit snhu.edu/psych. That's snhu.edu/psych.

• 58:08Speaker 00

  This is an iHeart Podcast. Guaranteed Human.