#160 - Oops All Santas! Christmas Special w/ Mike Mitchell, Zach Cherry and Jon Gabrus

Mike Mitchell, Zach Cherry, and Jon Gabrus join the pod for a very special Christmas edition to discuss the indignities of being expected to dress as Santa when you’re fat, the sick freaks who would enjoy seeing this crew dressed up as Santas, being pound-for-pound the heaviest podcast episode in history, CPAP experiences, buying holy water off Amazon, the sad reason Zepbound is saving society from senseless tragedies, asserting yourself against movie nerds in theaters, and much more. Mike, Zach, Jon and Stav help callers including a guy whose girlfriend’s friends hate him after falsely accusing him of cheating, and a woman whose good lifelong friend only hangs out and parties with her boyfriend’s mom. Follow Mike Mitchell: https://x.com/bdayboysmitch https://www.instagram.com/mynamesmitch Follow Zach Cherry: https://www.zachcherry.com/ Follow Jon Gabrus : https://gabrus.com/ https://twitter.com/gabrus https://www.instagram.com/gabrus/ https://letterboxd.com/gabrus/ Thank you to our sponsors! Twisted Tea - https://www.twistedtea.com/locations ☎️ Want to be a part of the show? Call 904-800-STAV and leave a voicemail to get advice! 🎟️ See Stavvy live on the Dreamboat Tour 🛥️💕!!! https://stavvy.biz/ for tickets ‼️ Bonus episodes every week! Unlock exclusive, Patreon-only episodes at https://www.patreon.com/stavvysworld

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:01Speaker 00

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• 0:45Speaker 00

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• 1:02Speaker 01

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• 1:33Stavros Halkias?

  Welcome, everybody, to Stop His World. 904-800-STOP. Call in, we'll solve all your problems. Ah, it's the holiday season, everyone.

• 1:45Stavros Halkias?

  December 23rd, I believe, isn't that right, Eldis? Oh, wow, you're playing jingle. Oh, shit, guys, it's us.

• 1:54Stavros Halkias?

  We have a fit, Santa. The fattest one is stuck in the chimney. The four of us can make it down. Ralphie May has been up there. The ghost of Ralphie May is stuck in the chimney.

• 2:09Stavros Halkias?

  I like to think that Jon Panett and Ralphie May are looking over us like forced ghosts right now. Chris Farley, every dead fat guy.

• 2:19Speaker 03

  Panett is still doing the Chinese voice, though that's upsetting everybody.

• 2:22Stavros Halkias?

  We're like, Jon, please. You do a Ouija board and he's still doing the voice over through Ouija board somehow?

• 2:28Speaker 03

  Jon, there is over a billion dead Chinese people in heaven with us. You gotta stop.

• 2:34Speaker 04

  I like to think the real Santa is watching us and be like, I don't look that bad.

• 2:39Stavros Halkias?

  This is disrespectful.

• 2:41Speaker 03

  He uses this as his before picture.

• 2:46Stavros Halkias?

  That's right, folks. We have potentially the most, is this the largest podcast that's ever, the most tonnage, especially when you factor producer in?

• 2:55Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah.

• 2:56Stavros Halkias?

  Producer to guest?

• 2:57Speaker 03

  This definitely beats the fucking Kelsey Brothers podcast.

• 2:59Stavros Halkias?

  It's not even close.

• 3:00Speaker 05

  Especially once Jason retired, he dropped like 100 pounds.

• 3:04Stavros Halkias?

  That always pisses me off when a lineman who's fat, who's like 300 pounds, within like four months weighs like 190. And it's like, fuck you, dude.

• 3:12Speaker 03

  Yeah, because I've got myself convinced that there are just some people who are supposed to be 300 pounds.

• 3:16Stavros Halkias?

  Of course.

• 3:17Speaker 03

  And sometimes they're 5'8".

• 3:24Stavros Halkias?

  It's different on everybody. Yes, we have with Stavvy's World Christmas special, Oops All Santas, with Mike Mitchell, Zach Cherry, John Gabrus. The most, honestly, you know, we're, we shouldn't say our secrets, but we are, we've started a fat cabal to take over Hollywood.

• 3:46Speaker 03

  Yeah, I mean, Mitch brings it up every day on Doughboys, so it's not so much a secret. Also, I figured it out, this guy's the fucking secret sieve. Don't tell him anything you don't want out there. You've got the best gossip always.

• 4:01Speaker 04

  Secret same with me, don't worry about it, don't tell me.

• 4:04Speaker 05

  Yeah, you'll only tell everyone you know.

• 4:08Stavros Halkias?

  And then usually also your listeners.

• 4:11Speaker 04

  They're good people. They're good people. The people I tell.

• 4:14Speaker 03

  They're platinum plate club.

• 4:15Speaker 05

  But you'll say, maybe we should edit this out before, and you won't edit it out.

• 4:23Stavros Halkias?

  Oh fuck, Eldis has bells on his shoes too.

• 4:26Speaker 03

  Perfect for the audio format.

• 4:28Stavros Halkias?

  I know. That's what I was telling, I was saying I have him so I can keep track of Eldis. So I know, so I know where he is at all. He can never sneak up on me.

• 4:38Stavros Halkias?

  This, we were all saying this is, when you're a fat comedian, you do have, it is PTSD putting the, putting the, the red, the red cowl back on.

• 4:47Speaker 04

  Oh, a hundred percent. I feel like if you look at my, my IMDb is like Daniel Craig's with James Bond and like, but with Santa.

• 4:57Speaker 04

  What's the other shitty, what's the, what's the, where he's the southern detective, what's the other?

• 5:00Speaker 03

  Oh, Glass on.

• 5:02Speaker 04

  No, it's the same thing. He has like two roles. It's like, same as Saint Nick and Santa.

• 5:06Speaker 03

  Searching for that second.

• 5:08Stavros Halkias?

  Dom DeLuise. He's a Dom DeLuise.

• 5:12Speaker 04

  Young Dom, Dom DeLuise.

• 5:13Speaker 03

  It's a bummer when.

• 5:14Stavros Halkias?

  Biopic. Well, he learned how to sing like Dom DeLuise.

• 5:21Speaker 03

  It's a bummer when you get credited as fat Santa.

• 5:25Speaker 03

  You're like, wait, why is that modifier there?

• 5:29Stavros Halkias?

  Oh, yeah. I mean, starting from, the first time I probably played Santa was probably like, cause it starts young, cause you're always the fattest kid.

• 5:36Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 5:36Stavros Halkias?

  So it's like, I feel like I probably played Santa in like third grade.

• 5:39Speaker 03

  It's either Santa or the dad.

• 5:41Stavros Halkias?

  Right.

• 5:42Speaker 03

  Because somehow fat means old.

• 5:44Stavros Halkias?

  You're so right. Never tall kid.

• 5:46Speaker 03

  They put you in a suit.

• 5:50Stavros Halkias?

  I, I remember I'm driving with my teacher to a big and tall store to buy a suit. Because I was playing the dad and something. And they had to get me a suit that would fit.

• 6:00Speaker 03

  Incredible dude.

• 6:02Stavros Halkias?

  Awesome.

• 6:04Speaker 03

  Holy shit.

• 6:04Stavros Halkias?

  I did pretty good.

• 6:05Speaker 04

  I was, my senior year, I was a Santa for my, my friend, my friend's family.

• 6:09Stavros Halkias?

  Oh.

• 6:09Speaker 04

  And then they just, they, he was like.

• 6:11Stavros Halkias?

  A little private gig, just picked up a private gig, not even for the school.

• 6:15Speaker 04

  And his uncle was like, Santa's getting excited when like his nieces were sitting on my lap. I was like, what are you doing?

• 6:22Speaker 03

  I did like Santa for a friend's Christmas party. Like they were like, just come be in Santa, get drunk and like, and like bullshit with people. I'm like, oh, hell yeah. And then like five minutes in, I'm like, this is the most upsetting thing I've ever done. Oh, I just had a flashback. I played Ben Franklin for UPenn alumni party one time.

• 6:41Speaker 04

  Ben Franklin and Santa are very close.

• 6:43Stavros Halkias?

  I know.

• 6:43Speaker 04

  I've also played Ben Franklin before.

• 6:46Stavros Halkias?

  Let's all relax. I'm working on a Ben Franklin script right now. I mean, truly, that is the role I was born to play. It's all about the Benjamins. I mean, check this shit out. I don't even need to do shit. I have his hair. I need the little glasses.

• 6:58Speaker 04

  You take air baths? That was Ben Franklin's big thing.

• 7:00Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, he would just air out.

• 7:01Speaker 04

  He would air out. Do you know that about him?

• 7:03Stavros Halkias?

  Walk around naked at like 3 a.m.

• 7:04Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 7:05Stavros Halkias?

  Oh, that's smart. We're getting a buzz. Unplug your shit. You don't hear that, fucking producer? It's your job to make sure the audio doesn't sound like shit. There we go. There we go. No, no, I guess you're just gonna have to keep your fingers on it all fucking episode.

• 7:23Speaker 04

  I was only hearing bells.

• 7:26Stavros Halkias?

  This isn't getting recorded at all.

• 7:29Stavros Halkias?

  We just sit here in Santa Claus, like assholes, for no reason.

• 7:36Stavros Halkias?

  It's gone now. This is being uploaded to a very specific gay porn site.

• 7:41Stavros Halkias?

  Holy fuck, if an hour in, we start sucking each other's cocks, we can make so much money, dude.

• 7:50Stavros Halkias?

  If.

• 7:53Stavros Halkias?

  I think I misread the email.

• 7:56Stavros Halkias?

  I got that gum that makes your mouth water.

• 8:02Stavros Halkias?

  Have I heard about this stuff?

• 8:05Speaker 04

  Yeah, what is the gun that makes your mouth water?

• 8:07Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, there's like a gun. A gun?

• 8:12Stavros Halkias?

  Whenever I put this gun in my mouth, my mouth starts to water. My body craves it. My body craves the gun. Can I try it next? Hey, officer, can I try a taste of your gun on the subway? Eat fresh.

• 8:25Speaker 04

  If you saw first these cunts make your mouth water.

• 8:30Stavros Halkias?

  Reaching for the fattest type of suicidal ideation possible, you see a gun and your mouth starts fucking watering.

• 8:37Speaker 04

  If you said, if you said, dude, went up to a cop and pointed at his gun, you go, that's making my mouth water?

• 8:43Stavros Halkias?

  Would be fucking.

• 8:47Stavros Halkias?

  Are you gonna finish that gun?

• 8:50Stavros Halkias?

  Dude, that would be, that might be the fucking funniest way to make a cop uncomfortable. Cause you're not really threatening him. You're not, you are pointing to his gun. So you gotta be pretty far away. But if you're, the farthest away you could be where he could still hear you, it'd be like, mm, that's making my mouth water.

• 9:09Stavros Halkias?

  Anyone else?

• 9:12Stavros Halkias?

  Could you get in trouble for that, I wonder? I don't think so.

• 9:14Speaker 03

  I don't know. I, I'm obsessed with those, there's like a genre of reels where guys squeeze a water bottle like they're pissing with their back to two cops or whatever. And then the cops are like, what the fuck? And they turn around and he like smiles at the water bottle.

• 9:26Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 9:27Speaker 03

  And I'm like, so like, obviously only a white guy can do that.

• 9:30Stavros Halkias?

  Of course, of course. That's awesome. And he's like, it's, it's real piss. And he starts drinking it.

• 9:38Speaker 03

  That better be water. The cop grabs it immediately, drinks it.

• 9:43Stavros Halkias?

  Oh, hell yeah. That is fucking awesome.

• 9:46Speaker 03

  This was like, we chose to be Santas, which feels very powerful here. It wasn't like, yeah, I could use the 80 bucks. Thank you, College Humor.

• 9:54Stavros Halkias?

  No, and everyone, everyone walks with a high quality Santa suit. You know, for your own uses.

• 9:59Speaker 03

  Well, that's why you put it on your, you put it on your acting reel. Have my own Santa suit. It's like those guys who have like a lab coat and a police uniform.

• 10:08Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. Their headshots are them in different costumes that they can bring.

• 10:12Speaker 03

  It's just Santa and Jabba the Hutt for us.

• 10:15Speaker 05

  Jabba is not even fat anymore. They're doing the skinny Jabba.

• 10:18Stavros Halkias?

  They're doing skinny Jabba.

• 10:19Speaker 05

  The bear is Jabba.

• 10:20Stavros Halkias?

  The bear is Jabba.

• 10:21Speaker 03

  That's so, so fucked up, dude.

• 10:23Speaker 05

  Thank you.

• 10:23Speaker 03

  Yeah, he's like plays Jabba's jacked nephew.

• 10:26Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah.

• 10:26Speaker 03

  That's so fucked up. He doesn't even speak, he speaks common or English.

• 10:31Stavros Halkias?

  He speaks English, I think, yeah, yeah.

• 10:32Speaker 03

  Not even in the weird fat way?

• 10:34Stavros Halkias?

  No, I, I, I think. Oh, ho, ho, pussy I want. Or whatever the fuck it says.

• 10:39Speaker 03

  We must smoke cigarettes.

• 10:42Speaker 03

  I'm the funniest guy at the Emmys.

• 10:49Speaker 03

  Ain't cousin no bother. I'm having trauma.

• 10:54Speaker 03

  Isn't this interesting? Streets of Philadelphia. Even cooking is about generational trauma.

• 11:03Speaker 03

  Shut the fuck up.

• 11:06Stavros Halkias?

  This is going in my pile of, of Santa suits, which I think is, it's very kind that you're gonna.

• 11:11Speaker 03

  Well, you have to stay in a room in your place.

• 11:12Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, I gotta stay in a room.

• 11:15Stavros Halkias?

  I will probably wear this to the Riyadh Christmas Festival. Are you guys going to the Riyadh Christmas Festival or no?

• 11:22Speaker 05

  It's the first ever.

• 11:24Speaker 03

  I'm doing whose read is it anyway with Drew Carey.

• 11:28Stavros Halkias?

  How fucking funny was it that Wayne Brady did go to that? That's so funny. He legit did.

• 11:33Speaker 03

  He did do improv?

• 11:34Stavros Halkias?

  I don't know what he was doing, but he collected a check.

• 11:39Stavros Halkias?

  It's just like the most wholesome like guy you could like, it's just very funny to think of him there. But, you know, anyway. Congratulations Wayne. Congrats to Wayne Brady. We're excited to see what else he's got cooking.

• 11:52Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, it is. It is a beautiful time to be here. Fellowship with my Christmas brothers. What was the last time you played Santa? How about that? And then we'll move on from the topic. That's a good question.

• 12:04Speaker 03

  I think it was a funnier die video like five years ago where I don't remember what the real premise was. I just remember at one point I'm shitting out presents underneath the Christmas tree. It was kind of funny and the woman who directed that then did cast me in a real commercial.

• 12:19Stavros Halkias?

  Okay.

• 12:19Speaker 03

  So I'm like, that's what you hope for from doing $90 videos.

• 12:23Stavros Halkias?

  Yes, of course.

• 12:24Speaker 03

  Down the road, you get like a real paycheck. So shout out Adriana. She's going to appreciate me butchering your name and putting an accent on. Like I'm a fucking newscaster.

• 12:37Speaker 05

  I think for me it was Halloween. I used to just wear it to Halloween.

• 12:40Stavros Halkias?

  Smart power move.

• 12:41Speaker 05

  Cause I didn't have any costumes.

• 12:43Stavros Halkias?

  I actually considered do this, you know, I mean, obviously now it's December 23rd, but I considered I bought it on Halloween. And I considered wearing it on Halloween, but I don't know. I gotta go, you gotta go. So that is a fun move though, because it's very nightmare before Christmas too, you know, everyone loves that.

• 12:59Speaker 03

  It's also you know, no one else is gonna be dressed as Santa, but everyone's gonna be dressed as fucking Leonardo DiCaprio from one battle after another.

• 13:06Stavros Halkias?

  Of course.

• 13:07Speaker 03

  You texting me?

• 13:08Stavros Halkias?

  I'm no, I'm searching, I'm searching.

• 13:09Speaker 05

  He pretty much got the robe. This is basically his, his costume.

• 13:13Stavros Halkias?

  It is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, right. Yes. Yeah. He is Santa in that movie.

• 13:17Speaker 05

  That was my takeaway.

• 13:20Speaker 03

  I didn't like it as much. The Santa parts took me out of it.

• 13:23Stavros Halkias?

  We just can't, we can't watch any art and not just see it through a Santa lens.

• 13:28Speaker 03

  Well, the real bummer is that Zach thought Leonardo Caprio was Santa and I thought that Sean Penn was Santa. We both didn't enjoy the movie for the same reason, but also both wrong.

• 13:38Stavros Halkias?

  I guess we are basically, the Christmas adventurers club was the white supremacist. I guess we are sort of kinda by accident tipping our cap to the fake white supremacists in one battle after another.

• 13:51Speaker 03

  Did you figure it out?

• 13:51Speaker 04

  I was, I was, I was searching Santa in my mail to see what I could find, cause I know.

• 13:55Speaker 03

  And all you found was that naughty and nice list that you wrote?

• 14:01Stavros Halkias?

  Oh man, it's, I don't wanna put this energy out there, but how far are we from a Santa mass shooting?

• 14:08Speaker 03

  Where some guy has a naughty and nice list?

• 14:10Speaker 04

  You just sparked an idea for something.

• 14:13Stavros Halkias?

  I feel like just in a sled.

• 14:15Speaker 03

  Have there been fat mass shooters?

• 14:18Stavros Halkias?

  We gotta get in there.

• 14:19Speaker 03

  And people talking about like, they're bullied. I'm like, you know?

• 14:22Stavros Halkias?

  Of cour-, that is true. That is true.

• 14:24Speaker 03

  Not a lot of fat mass shooters, I don't think.

• 14:26Stavros Halkias?

  That's why we eat.

• 14:28Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 14:30Stavros Halkias?

  People should be fatter.

• 14:31Speaker 03

  A nurse will save the lives of innocent people.

• 14:34Stavros Halkias?

  The only thing that will.

• 14:35Speaker 04

  That's why they take Zepbound off the market.

• 14:38Speaker 03

  Shootings are up like crazy.

• 14:39Stavros Halkias?

  Oh dude, there are some fat, they're like, like you know how they have like, uh, ancient diseases trapped under the permafrost? It's like, Zepbound is gonna like.

• 14:49Speaker 03

  When some fat people get some confidence, they are gonna commit crimes.

• 14:54Stavros Halkias?

  When they're not docile because of their weight.

• 14:56Speaker 03

  There's gonna be like new STDs when fat guys start fucking.

• 15:01Speaker 03

  When these crusty fat guys unleash whatever.

• 15:03Stavros Halkias?

  Anime conventions are gonna get fucking wild.

• 15:06Speaker 03

  Sperm they have.

• 15:06Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah. No, you're right. The only thing that's gonna, that's stopping us from a civil war is that the country's too fat, by the way.

• 15:14Stavros Halkias?

  There's literally some statistic I saw on Twitter that was like, no country ever certain BMI is ever at a civil war. And I don't know if it's real or not, but I choose to believe it.

• 15:22Speaker 03

  You're welcome, everyone.

• 15:23Stavros Halkias?

  That's our doing, folks. We're holding the country together.

• 15:27Speaker 03

  Definitely bringing up the overall average.

• 15:31Speaker 04

  I saw a really anti-fat guy movie last night, The Longest Walk. Have you seen it?

• 15:35Speaker 03

  Yeah, The Long Walk.

• 15:37Speaker 04

  The Long Walk.

• 15:37Speaker 03

  I loved it.

• 15:38Speaker 04

  I liked it. I thought it was fun.

• 15:39Speaker 03

  I cried my fucking eyes out.

• 15:41Speaker 04

  Did you really?

• 15:42Stavros Halkias?

  Just thinking about if someone made him walk that much?

• 15:44Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 15:46Speaker 03

  I was stressed watching it because I was like, imagine you book a movie and it's the movie where you gotta walk 13 miles a day. You're like, I'm not in good enough shape to play the guy that's out of shape in this movie. Like it gets killed first? Yeah.

• 15:59Speaker 04

  The guy with the starting gun just shoots me.

• 16:03Speaker 03

  And you're thankful. Oh, thank fucking god, yeah.

• 16:07Speaker 05

  When I walk now, I do think about that movie because you can't fall below whatever three miles per hour.

• 16:13Speaker 03

  Three miles per hour is fucking quick.

• 16:14Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 16:15Speaker 03

  And I think the book is 3.5 and the movie made it three to make it. The book's like four or something. Yeah, or it's something that's higher. Would I consider jogging?

• 16:22Speaker 05

  That's Stephen King is a skinny tall man. He doesn't understand.

• 16:26Speaker 03

  True, true, true. I mean, he's not great at walking and he'll fucking step in front of a car once every 25 years.

• 16:31Speaker 05

  Well, his speeds are high, so he thought he could. He said, I can clear this.

• 16:36Speaker 03

  Fucking hated lengleers.

• 16:39Speaker 05

  Guy did it on purpose. Been waiting for Stephen King to cross the road.

• 16:44Speaker 04

  The general or whatever is like, this one guy isn't getting up to four miles per hour. I mean, I don't know what to do.

• 16:49Speaker 05

  He's never even set the clock as the loophole. You never fell below because you never hit the.

• 16:54Speaker 04

  I went on a technicality, waddling.

• 16:57Speaker 03

  You can just roll downhill and keep momentum the whole way like the fat kid from Hook. Oh, true. Yeah, yeah. If it's downhill, I could roll. I could roll to 3.0, no problem. I, something cool behind the scenes of that movie is they shot it in order. So when your character, when they're, when a character died, they just sent them home.

• 17:18Speaker 04

  Oh.

• 17:18Speaker 03

  So actors were like losing friends over the course of the production, which is really cool.

• 17:23Speaker 05

  That's kind of nice. No, it's kind of nice because then you get to go home.

• 17:26Speaker 04

  Yeah, I mean, that's also nice, but it is sad to lose people along the way.

• 17:29Speaker 03

  It's better than being in like Bulgaria for five weeks and then shooting your one day at the end that they need you for.

• 17:35Speaker 05

  Oh, yeah.

• 17:35Speaker 04

  I saw it in, at the Times Square AMC, which was in, it's the most insane movie experience I've ever had.

• 17:42Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah.

• 17:43Speaker 04

  There was three, there were three people just talking the entire movie.

• 17:46Speaker 05

  Yeah, that AMC is essentially like a homeless shelter.

• 17:49Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 17:50Speaker 05

  It's a halfway house of sorts. Depending on what time of day, would you see it in the middle of the day?

• 17:54Speaker 04

  No, it was like 10pm.

• 17:55Speaker 05

  Oh, okay, yeah, that's too late.

• 17:56Speaker 04

  There was three people loudly yelling what I think was rushing at each other during the whole movie. And then, and then there was a guy who was asleep for half of it, but then he woke up and he was like. Stand up for yourself, like saying it to the characters on the screen.

• 18:10Speaker 03

  That guy fucking, that guy had a dream.

• 18:13Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 18:14Speaker 03

  He had some, he's like, I'm gonna turn my life around today, starting with this movie.

• 18:17Speaker 04

  He started saying shut up and I was like, oh good, he's yelling at the people who are talking, but he was talking to the people on the screen.

• 18:23Speaker 03

  To the character. He was trying to sleep. Philip Seymour Hoffman's son.

• 18:31Speaker 04

  He had good knowledge of Hollywood on this guy.

• 18:35Speaker 03

  Dude, when I moved from New York to LA, going to movies became like such an insanely increased experience, cause like going here to like, before there was, I mean 15 years ago too, there wasn't like the reserved seating and shit, so you'd be like, I gotta be two hours early to Fast Five in Union Square. And then you go to LA and it's like, everything is like assigned seating, people, people have gotten bad again post pandemic. I, I don't get me started on movie theater behavior. It's when I feel like an unk when I go off.

• 19:03Speaker 05

  I go, I go in the morning for the first showing, which is the baby and me showing at, at certain theaters. So it's just me and a bunch of single moms.

• 19:11Speaker 03

  That's actually, I mean, you're, you're in a relationship, but that's uh, you're a married man, but that's not a bad look.

• 19:18Speaker 03

  Cinematical single moms? I'm listening.

• 19:20Speaker 04

  You, you saw Gabe, it's not there in diapers, I believe.

• 19:26Speaker 03

  Mike in his like Fendom, who puts him in a diaper and makes him watch movies he hates.

• 19:33Speaker 03

  We're gonna go see Star Wars: Force Awakens again, Mitch.

• 19:37Speaker 03

  That's called Sendom, right?

• 19:42Speaker 03

  I used to live in Brooklyn and we had the Cobble Hill Cinemas, which was like the hipster, like older people, and then there was the Regal Cinemas, Regal Union, and it was, if you walked up to the counter after a movie, before you said anything, they gave you a refund, cause they knew, like if you were just, if you were like white and of a certain age, they knew you were coming to complain, because the vibe there was like, school field trip, every fucking movie, no matter what movie you were at, no matter the age of the people, you felt like a teacher taking a thousand kids somewhere. It was a wild fucking scene.

• 20:13Speaker 04

  I can like a lively audience, but that movie, it just was not, it didn't, it wasn't

• 20:17Speaker 03

  A woman answered her phone, put it on speakerphone and passed it down the line to the people she was with, so they could all say hi to one person.

• 20:24Speaker 04

  Fucking awesome.

• 20:24Speaker 03

  And they were eating McDonald's with a kid, and it was in the Halloween reboot.

• 20:31Speaker 03

  I do like that.

• 20:32Stavros Halkias?

  That's so fucking awesome.

• 20:34Speaker 03

  It was fucking awesome.

• 20:35Stavros Halkias?

  That kinda makes me nostalgic though. I feel like those were the movie theaters I grew up with. Like in Baltimore, remember East Point, Eldis? East Point, I mean, now they've actually, somebody bought it and made it like one of those assigned seating theaters. But dude, growing up, like legitimately, people smoked cigarettes in the movie theater. And one time our friend did. That's when you felt like, whoa, we're becoming like, you feel the circle of life.

• 20:58Speaker 03

  We're the dirtbags now.

• 20:59Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. Where my friend just like sparked up, we're like, dude, what are you doing? He's just smoking. It was like, hell, and then I was, I saw the first Fast and the Furious, I saw it there.

• 21:08Speaker 03

  Oh shit.

• 21:08Stavros Halkias?

  And everyone was so jacked, somebody stabbed a guy. And so we just had to like wait until the police kinda cleared everything out before we could leave.

• 21:17Speaker 04

  Watching the rest of Fast and Furious with white tape on the coverage.

• 21:21Speaker 05

  That was a regular occurrence. At my movie theater growing up, that was a semi-regular occurrence.

• 21:25Stavros Halkias?

  A stabbing?

• 21:26Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 21:27Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, hell yeah.

• 21:27Speaker 05

  And not even, I grew up in Trenton, but not even in Trenton, this was like outside of Trenton.

• 21:31Stavros Halkias?

  Oh yeah, dude, nice.

• 21:32Speaker 03

  Oh man, glad you made it out.

• 21:37Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, dude.

• 21:37Speaker 03

  You made it out of that lifestyle.

• 21:39Stavros Halkias?

  I did, I did.

• 21:39Speaker 03

  Yeah, when I hear, that's, I do rarely feel kindred, a kindred spirit when I say I grew up in Baltimore. People try and like, oh yeah, but Trenton.

• 21:49Speaker 05

  It's the Baltimore of New Jersey.

• 21:51Stavros Halkias?

  It checks, yeah, yeah.

• 21:52Speaker 03

  Yeah, absolutely.

• 21:53Stavros Halkias?

  Hell yeah.

• 21:54Speaker 03

  The thing you described, that life cycle of when you were a kid, things you remember your parents bitching about, you're doing now?

• 22:02Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 22:02Speaker 03

  Like when you're like, these kids are fuck, like your mom or dad is like, these kids don't know how to behave. And then like five years later, you realize you're those kids.

• 22:09Stavros Halkias?

  You're those kids, absolutely.

• 22:10Speaker 03

  It's a fucking great feeling.

• 22:11Speaker 05

  And then 20 years later, you're your dad.

• 22:13Speaker 03

  Yes, 100%.

• 22:14Speaker 05

  Cause my dad was a big tell other people to be quiet in the movie theater guy. And for 20 years, I was like, dad, stop, it's fine, it's fine.

• 22:20Stavros Halkias?

  You're embarrassing me.

• 22:21Speaker 05

  And now I'm that, I'm that dude.

• 22:22Speaker 04

  Oh, I do it. I'll tell people right away.

• 22:24Speaker 03

  Mitch is almost looking for it. Mitch, I sat down with him one time at the Vista and he was like.

• 22:30Stavros Halkias?

  This is like, this is the best a guy from Boston can use his like, stand your ground tendencies. Like at least, like, he wants to accost teenagers in the movie theater, not like with his gun, you know? Like in his, in his heart, it's like, what he was bred to do was like accost black teenagers on the street. And Mitch is like, no, no, no, I'm a good guy. I just yell at people at the movie theater.

• 22:54Speaker 03

  Yeah, you bring your assistant football coach energy to the AMC.

• 23:00Speaker 04

  There were two teenage kids in the theater last night. They were acting fine. They were great.

• 23:04Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 23:04Speaker 04

  And I didn't.

• 23:05Speaker 03

  You checked on the teenage boys when you first got them?

• 23:08Stavros Halkias?

  Did you, did you give them a candy?

• 23:11Speaker 04

  Well, I was pressing my Santa suit.

• 23:13Speaker 03

  You had your other Santa suit on.

• 23:17Stavros Halkias?

  Mitch came here changed out of his movie Santa suit and put on his podcast Santa suit.

• 23:25Speaker 03

  A Santa suit for all occasions.

• 23:28Speaker 04

  You guys, you guys heard the reindeer hooves when I first arrived?

• 23:32Stavros Halkias?

  I won't, like, I actually won't do it to kids, but if it's a, cause then I feel like this is kids being kids, whatever. But if it's someone my age, I get, I get, I become like you were.

• 23:44Speaker 04

  Sure.

• 23:45Stavros Halkias?

  My, my Eastern European programming to just fight anyone that annoys you kicks in.

• 23:51Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 23:51Stavros Halkias?

  And I re, it's a real problem because I'm gonna get my ass kicked at some point.

• 23:54Speaker 03

  Right.

• 23:54Stavros Halkias?

  Cause I'm not strong. I'm fat as shit. Like, but I just hop off at the mouth where I can't stand, you know what I mean?

• 24:00Speaker 03

  You're so in the right.

• 24:02Stavros Halkias?

  Yes.

• 24:02Speaker 03

  That's the thing though. So if you got your ass kicked telling someone to be quiet.

• 24:06Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah.

• 24:06Speaker 03

  You're at least like, well, I, you were objectively in the right. So you're the sympathetic, uh.

• 24:11Stavros Halkias?

  Totally.

• 24:11Speaker 03

  Hurt victim the whole time.

• 24:12Stavros Halkias?

  I'm powered by righteous self righteousness.

• 24:14Speaker 04

  They get mad at you even if you are in the, they don't care anymore. That's, like, especially, I love to do it in LA because it is just people, like, it's movie dorks going to theaters and they.

• 24:22Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah.

• 24:23Stavros Halkias?

  You feel like an alpha at the Vista?

• 24:25Speaker 04

  Oh, a hundred percent.

• 24:26Stavros Halkias?

  Well, get the fuck out of the way nerds. You know what I mean? It's like, it's the biggest door. It's like guys that are older, fat, anyone older than us is in horrific shape.

• 24:34Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 24:35Stavros Halkias?

  And anyone younger than us is such a coward. That is like, just so easy to feel like a fucking man.

• 24:40Speaker 03

  Those guys are gonna fight in their too small denim jackets.

• 24:44Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah. You ain't an L anymore, pal. Go ahead and make the plunge XL.

• 24:50Speaker 03

  Button that.

• 24:53Stavros Halkias?

  Let me see you button that, kid.

• 24:55Speaker 04

  It's the ghost of, of Christmas futures for me where they're like, they're, they're like 15 years older than me and they're like, are using waking CPAPs.

• 25:04Speaker 04

  Just during the movie.

• 25:06Speaker 03

  They fill their CPAP with popcorn.

• 25:10Speaker 04

  The heater is popping the popcorn.

• 25:14Stavros Halkias?

  It's a beautiful, self-sufficient system. This episode is brought to you by Visible. The smartest upgrade this season isn't a new phone, it's a better wireless plan. Switch to Visible, the ultimate wireless hack. You get unlimited 5G data and unlimited hotspot powered by Verizon. We have Visible here at Stobby Baby Enterprises. We love it. We just got a new assistant. She loves it. She's taking all our sushi orders. They're going through the Visible network, brought to you by Verizon. It's fast, it's reliable, it's so sick. They sponsor the Stobbies World Hotline, as you know, and make it possible for us to help all our callers out. Oh my God, they're the best. Switch today at visible.com. The Visible plan starts at $25 a month,

• 25:56Stavros Halkias?

  or get the Premium Visible Plus Pro Plan and save $10 on your first month with promo code STOV. Terms apply.

• 26:05Speaker 00

  This podcast is supported by Nurtac ODT. We're Medipant. We know you didn't ask for an interruption, but migraine doesn't wait for the right moment to interrupt either. It just barges in, takes your time, and throws everything off. So when migraine takes your time, take Nurtac. It's for the acute treatment of migraine with or without aura in adults. Nurtac can provide pain relief in two hours, which can last up to two days. Ask your healthcare provider if Nurtac is right for you, because your time is for you, not migraine. Don't take if allergic to Nurtac ODT. Allergic reactions can occur even days after use. Get help right away for trouble breathing, rash, swelling of face, mouth, tongue, or throat. High blood pressure and Raynaud's syndrome can occur. Get help for high blood pressure,

• 26:47Speaker 00

  numbness, coolness, pain, or color changes in fingers and toes. Common side effect is nausea. For full prescribing information, call 1-833-4-NURTC or visit Nurtac.com. All right, back to your podcast, playlist, or whatever's keeping you going today.

• 27:04Speaker 03

  Every time I see a CPAP, I think of you guys.

• 27:08Speaker 03

  I saw this, I got served an Instagram reel where Shaq is wearing like a full blown aquarium helmet. It's a CPAP that goes like over his whole head like an old scuba mask. It was fucking crazy. You've seen it there and then in the emails, in the emails, your doctor begs you to get one. That's the other time I see a lot of it. I was blown away that I didn't have sleep apnea. I did sleep trials.

• 27:30Speaker 04

  You did? Cause I'm a CPAP user. I don't know if you.

• 27:32Speaker 03

  CPAP proponent. Eldis absolutely needs one. I hear him when we, like when we were fucking, when we would like pass out and this was in our twenties.

• 27:41Speaker 04

  A shaking of bells and then snorts.

• 27:45Speaker 03

  Eldis sleeps like.

• 27:49Speaker 03

  I think that's one of the diagnostic criteria for sleep apnea. Dude, it's like he's dying. Remember when my brother slept in the same bed as you and he, what was it?

• 27:59Speaker 06

  I slept in a room with Stav's brother, brother on the trip we were on and I woke up in the morning. He was just like up in his bed, like leaning on his shoulder, look at me. He was like, you have sleep apnea.

• 28:11Speaker 03

  He's just waiting for hours to tell Eldis, you have sleep apnea. You ruined my night's sleep. Before I had the CPAP, it was a benefit because I would always get the solo room and bed when I was, when I was traveling with friends. Cause nobody wanted to sleep in the same room as me. It used to happen on the Doughboys tours when I'd go on, but then Nick was like, we stayed at that Airbnb in like Arizona one time before you guys had Emma and stuff. So it was like, and Nick was like, I'm not fucking, and I'm like, I, I can sleep through anything. I just like, well, in the middle of the night, I was like, I am so fucking scared. You know when like coyotes get into a garbage can?

• 28:49Speaker 03

  Sounded like that. It was like, it had like a, it was like harmonizing octaves of like.

• 28:56Speaker 04

  Harmonizing is a good way to put it.

• 29:00Speaker 04

  It's also the bad thing to be the bad sleeper when he's a guy who puts on sunglasses at 10pm and then has like fluorescent lights. He does like light, light treatment therapy and all that shit. And I'm the guy who's more fucked up.

• 29:11Speaker 03

  I'm really, I'm really good at sleeping. It's like the only thing. I can like go, I could sleep in most places, no matter what the light.

• 29:18Speaker 04

  Not a napper either.

• 29:18Speaker 03

  Not a napper, no.

• 29:19Stavros Halkias?

  That's good for you.

• 29:20Speaker 03

  I can wake up when I have to wake up. I can fall asleep. Like, I'm pretty good.

• 29:23Stavros Halkias?

  Respect. I wish I could. I still can. I still, sleep is still, you know, fucking annoying for me. And it sucks because you get the CPAP in the first couple of months, you're like, I'm a new man.

• 29:32Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 29:33Stavros Halkias?

  And then you just adjust and even out a little.

• 29:35Speaker 03

  Feel like shit.

• 29:35Stavros Halkias?

  You're just like, well, now I won't die in my sleep, but I still feel like shit every fucking moment.

• 29:40Speaker 04

  This is almost adventure. It feels like an adventure that you might not wake up the next morning.

• 29:45Stavros Halkias?

  It took that joy for me.

• 29:47Speaker 03

  Well, the CPAP is fixing a symptom of something else we could probably fix. If we had to.

• 29:55Speaker 03

  It's like, I got the CPAP squared away. I just need 11 more pills to survive.

• 30:02Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, I love my pills to counteract the injection I take to hopefully stop me from getting fatter.

• 30:10Speaker 04

  You're, you are a CPAP guy though, right?

• 30:12Stavros Halkias?

  I am, yeah, yeah.

• 30:13Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah. What you got?

• 30:14Stavros Halkias?

  Oh, you know, let's talk, let's talk shop. I'm a ResMed guy.

• 30:18Speaker 04

  Same here, love the ResMed.

• 30:20Speaker 03

  We gotta get him to sponsor this episode. Let's send this to him as a spec.

• 30:26Stavros Halkias?

  Yep. And I got the travel one. You gotta go traveling.

• 30:29Speaker 04

  You both have the travel one. I don't have the travel one yet.

• 30:31Speaker 03

  Do you bring the big one though?

• 30:32Speaker 04

  I brought the whole, I bought the whole, uh, the whole big boy with me.

• 30:35Stavros Halkias?

  I was traveling with that.

• 30:36Speaker 03

  This is a fat guy problem I want to talk to you about.

• 30:38Stavros Halkias?

  Please.

• 30:39Speaker 03

  If I travel in East, it's, it's Christmas season, so it's a little cool in, in New York.

• 30:44Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 30:45Speaker 03

  If I pack two hoodies and two pairs of pants, I need a second suitcase.

• 30:48Stavros Halkias?

  Dude, it's brutal.

• 30:49Speaker 03

  It does not fold up. So I'm imagining a CPAP to New England.

• 30:53Stavros Halkias?

  Medical device loophole. It doesn't count as a carry on.

• 30:56Speaker 04

  This is true.

• 30:57Stavros Halkias?

  It's a medical device loophole. And you can put stuff in the carrier, extra stuff.

• 31:01Speaker 04

  See, your hot skittles in there, shit.

• 31:05Speaker 03

  You're supposed to put them in the mask.

• 31:08Speaker 05

  Literally, when I go to the airport and I go to-

• 31:10Speaker 03

  Do you sleep with them on in the airport, in the airplane?

• 31:12Speaker 05

  No, well, I did once. I flew to Australia and I did once. But you, it's a whole process. You have to get it cleared with the airline and like-

• 31:18Stavros Halkias?

  Oh, really? I don't do any of that shit.

• 31:19Speaker 05

  They don't want you to like short out their system.

• 31:23Speaker 03

  So, this guy is so fat, napping might take down an airplane.

• 31:29Speaker 03

  He might be napping so hard and fatly that it will destroy a Boeing 747. Wait, now, listen. You hear, they play like the phone recording of the guy saying, "Let's roll." Like, it's 9/11, but it's the fucking take-

• 31:42Speaker 04

  Unload, cack my mask off.

• 31:44Speaker 03

  The black box is just Zack snoring as the thing fucking crashes.

• 31:49Speaker 04

  A tiger shark with a no, like a nozzle coming out of his mouth.

• 31:54Stavros Halkias?

  Oh, dude, I have definitely on, on long flights. I feel like I did that, uh, uh, I think I tried it when I went to Venice and then anytime it's, if I get a fuck it, if I get a, uh, like-

• 32:04Speaker 03

  Lay flat?

• 32:05Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, if I get a lay flat and it's a long flight, the CPAP's coming out, brother.

• 32:09Speaker 04

  Oh, yeah.

• 32:09Stavros Halkias?

  I don't give, I don't have, I have no shame about baying up in the fucking, I don't give a fuck.

• 32:14Speaker 03

  I think people would prefer that to hearing you snore in first class, which I think I did on the flight out here. Cause I, I snapped awake at one point and I looked around and I was like, "I'm bothering people."

• 32:23Speaker 05

  Yeah, oh, yeah. I feel like the plane is loud enough, you're, you're in the clear.

• 32:27Speaker 03

  And most people know myself.

• 32:29Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 32:29Speaker 03

  Well, I think, I think-

• 32:30Speaker 04

  If I saw you shirt off with the CPAP mask on-

• 32:33Stavros Halkias?

  Shirt off?

• 32:36Speaker 03

  On the plane? Wait, are you allowed to take your shirt off on the plane? First class is crazy. You can do whatever you want.

• 32:42Speaker 04

  It would be like a budget version of Dark Knight Rise's beginning, where you had the fucking thing on. I, I, I never, I'm embarrassed by it and I also didn't know that you could actually plug in. I thought that it was-

• 32:52Stavros Halkias?

  Oh, you can plug in, brother.

• 32:53Speaker 04

  You can do it?

• 32:53Stavros Halkias?

  Absolutely.

• 32:54Speaker 04

  But you, what do you do? Do you, oh, you guys have the cartridges, you, the right, don't they, for travel?

• 32:58Stavros Halkias?

  Oh, you're talking about water?

• 33:00Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 33:01Speaker 05

  Yeah, you-

• 33:01Stavros Halkias?

  I go dry. I don't even use water anymore.

• 33:03Speaker 04

  You guys go dry?

• 33:04Speaker 05

  No, I have the little cartridge.

• 33:06Stavros Halkias?

  I, I just go dry. I don't give a fuck.

• 33:08Speaker 03

  They expect one CPAP in the wreckage, brother.

• 33:18Speaker 04

  I can't, I can't go dry, well, I can't go with CPAPs, I can't go dry, yeah.

• 33:22Speaker 03

  With CPAPs, I can go dry with everything else.

• 33:23Stavros Halkias?

  With pussy, I prefer it. I'm so used to dry. Well, when you got such a little ass dick, it's dry and feels smaller.

• 33:33Speaker 04

  There's friction.

• 33:34Stavros Halkias?

  You thought, you thought, you thought the girl you're dating is tight, you just have, you are so bad at turning her on. She's just completely dry.

• 33:44Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, no, I, I trained myself to go dry, to be, to be able to, to go whenever. You studied the way of the dry CPAP. Cause I got tired of looking for distilled water on the road.

• 33:56Speaker 04

  I did that my first night and we, we went and had.

• 33:59Speaker 03

  Not you did that, we all did that, cause we had to go with you in DC.

• 34:03Speaker 04

  And we went to a pretty scary 7-Eleven.

• 34:05Speaker 03

  We went to a place where I had to go like full like old fashioned masculinity and like stand in between Emma and Amelia. And this unhoused guy who was shadow boxing the window. I guess it's not called shadow boxing if you're hitting something.

• 34:21Speaker 04

  He was, he was, he was, I felt for him, he was, he was sleeping in front of the 7-Eleven and then followed us in and it was not. It was for my CPAP and then the first night here.

• 34:31Stavros Halkias?

  To get distilled water.

• 34:32Speaker 04

  To get distilled water.

• 34:32Stavros Halkias?

  To get better water than he drinks and breathes in.

• 34:37Speaker 04

  And then I went to a bodega here, cause I'm staying at the Arlo in Soho and I walked to a bodega. And I, I'm sure that they, bodegas get fat guys, so you got, I was like, you got water? And they're like, yeah, we got plenty of water. I was like, distilled water. He's like, no, you're gonna go to this other fucking bodega?

• 34:50Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah.

• 34:51Speaker 04

  And it was like two miles away. It's, it was awful.

• 34:53Speaker 03

  But that's, you know, he was just trying to get distilled water?

• 34:58Stavros Halkias?

  There's no way you had to walk two miles.

• 35:00Speaker 04

  To hold the distilled water?

• 35:03Speaker 03

  He was like, I got your. It's right over there by the salad.

• 35:07Speaker 03

  Let's grab, grab anything you want while you're over there. This one's on the house.

• 35:11Speaker 04

  It's the top cheese.

• 35:12Stavros Halkias?

  There's a bottle, yeah, there's a bottle, there's one bottle of distilled water under this kale. Eat your way through it and you can have it. Like a bigger loser, biggest loser contest.

• 35:23Speaker 04

  I'll call an Uber to the other one, thank you. Chop cheese to go, sir. That's all I need.

• 35:32Speaker 03

  I imagine you can order Uber and Postmates in one, where the guy picks up the food, then picks you up in the car. And you get to eat in his backseat like a fucking king. Cut this part out, cut this part out. Another fucking sponsor that we're making spec ads, now we're just creating business. Hello sharks, we're for Santa Claus.

• 35:54Stavros Halkias?

  The whale sharks?

• 35:59Stavros Halkias?

  See if your idea's fat enough for the four of us. Ooh, I would love that. Fat only businesses in America, now we're talking.

• 36:06Speaker 03

  We should, oh, we should just launch a big and tall line that just doesn't have those words in the title.

• 36:12Stavros Halkias?

  Absolutely.

• 36:13Speaker 03

  I would shop there in a heartbeat.

• 36:14Speaker 05

  Fat and long.

• 36:15Speaker 03

  Fat and long. Long and fat.

• 36:18Stavros Halkias?

  I like that. He has a big, what is the bone, the bone, what is the, what is the?

• 36:23Speaker 05

  He's the big and tall brand that I, that I rock.

• 36:25Stavros Halkias?

  You were looking good, you were looking good coming in here, dude.

• 36:27Speaker 03

  Head to toe.

• 36:28Stavros Halkias?

  I might have to get fucked up myself. I might have to get fucked up.

• 36:33Stavros Halkias?

  Actually, bleep that out, no free promo.

• 36:35Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 36:39Stavros Halkias?

  They need to cut my man Zach a check, dude. They need to cut my man.

• 36:42Speaker 03

  They know, they know I'm out here rocking it, so.

• 36:44Speaker 06

  But I will be looking at it later.

• 36:47Stavros Halkias?

  Oh, yeah, Eldis is on there right now.

• 36:48Speaker 03

  My problem with.

• 36:49Stavros Halkias?

  His computers on the fucking website. Yeah, shut that garage van to go on the One Bone website.

• 36:58Stavros Halkias?

  We have to use like the shitty like audio from the camera. It's gonna sound like shit.

• 37:05Speaker 03

  My problem with big and tall clothes is that they're, they always do subdued colors.

• 37:09Stavros Halkias?

  Right.

• 37:10Speaker 03

  It's always like beiges and blacks and grays and I like to wear flashy. I'm a peacock guy and they just don't make it except in like tablecloths.

• 37:18Stavros Halkias?

  Yes, absolutely.

• 37:19Speaker 03

  I have to buy like curtains and wear them.

• 37:22Stavros Halkias?

  Even the old, they'll have a cool thing, but it's like then every fat guy you see has that shirt.

• 37:28Speaker 03

  Cause it's only the one pattern.

• 37:29Stavros Halkias?

  It's the one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Me and Tim Dillon have had the same polo like shirt. I see, I'm like, oh, they're we're Foley. We just did, are you garbage? I, when I see my fat friends that go hit the big and tall a little sooner than me, I'm like, oh, I have to go check that. I have to go get that shirt and coordinate with them so that I don't wear it at the same place.

• 37:47Speaker 03

  Yeah, before we were friends, I mean, I've been following you for years. You definitely wore a shirt where I'm like, well, I put mine in retirement. God forbid, God forbid, we're ever on the same lineup and we have the same shirt. We're gonna have to, we can't even like touch each other.

• 37:59Stavros Halkias?

  Totally.

• 37:59Speaker 03

  The time consuming, you almost shut down.

• 38:01Stavros Halkias?

  When I was, when I was slightly less fat and I was, I'm actually, I'm probably back there now, the Old Navy 2X. The move was you get to Old Navy the day the new shirts come out. So, and you wear them that week and you put them away before every fat guy on earth gets them. But the first, if you get them fresh, they had some good stuff, Old Navy.

• 38:21Speaker 03

  You take like three Instagram photos so you can like get ownership.

• 38:25Stavros Halkias?

  I take a picture, I mail it to myself.

• 38:27Speaker 03

  Yeah, holding the newspaper like you're a kidnapping.

• 38:30Speaker 04

  I was, I was at this comic book store the other day and there was a Friday the 13th sweatshirt and I was like, can I get that in 3X? And they were like, we don't have 3X. And you're like, to not be able to get a comic book shop, fucking 3X, fucking sweatshirt is so insulting. And then I was like, how about that Halloween one? They're like, no, only 2X. And I was like, oh, fuck this shit.

• 38:48Stavros Halkias?

  Come on, guys.

• 38:48Speaker 04

  I know.

• 38:49Stavros Halkias?

  Who are you fucking kidding?

• 38:50Speaker 04

  I know. Yeah, I mean, I'm, it's, it is, it's the Christmas season.

• 38:55Stavros Halkias?

  It's the Christmas season.

• 38:56Speaker 04

  So I'm sure there was a lot of people buying it for Halloween.

• 39:01Stavros Halkias?

  It's the Christmas, yeah. They're buying presents for their, for their Halloween fanatic loved ones.

• 39:07Speaker 03

  This is really complicated because we are technically doing a tenant episode as well because Zach and I are traveling from Christmas towards Halloween. And you guys are living from Halloween towards Christmas.

• 39:17Stavros Halkias?

  Oh dude, you know what, I tie this in, that was our, during the, me and my brothers had a, we would just, on Christmas, we would take mushrooms and go to the like, or acid and go to the movie theaters for a couple of years. Then the pandemic happened and the one year where my brothers, elders, all our friends came to my apartment in Queens and took mushrooms, we watched Tenet.

• 39:38Speaker 03

  Oh, hell yeah.

• 39:39Stavros Halkias?

  It was the fucking. Because it's like, that movie doesn't make sense sober.

• 39:43Speaker 03

  I've seen that movie six times and I could not explain it to anyone and I fucking love it.

• 39:48Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, and we were just so, that was one of my best Christmas memories actually was, was just being on mushrooms. Just fucked up, not understanding anything. My brother was trolling all of us. Uh, my brother, we started at one point, everyone was on mushrooms. And we're trying to, my brother started reading the subtitles before the characters could read it. It just became five guys being like, and then we said, and then we, it was like, who can race to read, to read the fucking subtitles faster? And then, and then he, my brother was like explaining the plot. And no one noticed, and he was like, he said it was Jason Bateman was in the movie, which he wasn't.

• 40:27Stavros Halkias?

  But he said like the redhead guy was Jason Bateman. And then he said, yeah, and then Denzel's son, he's a, they're, uh, they're in a company called Omnicron. He's just making up like, like, what it feasibly could have been. Cause everyone else was, brain was so fried. We're like, oh, really? It's Omnicron? It was honestly the most fun. Being on mushrooms, trying to understand that movie, one of your friends fucking with you. Eldis, you got really fucked up, remember?

• 40:56Speaker 06

  Yeah, I got, I got like, I was tripping so hard. I got scared. Like, I remember, I remember at one point after like the crazy initial wave, it was like three or four hours in, I was just on the couch like doing this with my toes for like two hours.

• 41:10Stavros Halkias?

  Eldis was like fucking, like a cat.

• 41:12Speaker 04

  I love the jingles as he's doing it.

• 41:15Speaker 03

  Bells on, but you could hear them sometimes.

• 41:17Stavros Halkias?

  He was rubbing his feet literally like this.

• 41:19Speaker 06

  I was literally like cuddled up next to our friend Big P and fucking like just squeezing my, like rubbing my feet together.

• 41:29Stavros Halkias?

  We're like, that's fucked up. Yeah, we were all scared because Eldis.

• 41:33Speaker 03

  I don't want to meet the guy in your friend group who has the name Big in their name.

• 41:38Speaker 00

  Hey guys, would you like to watch Tannen?

• 41:42Stavros Halkias?

  The elusive and mysterious Big P.

• 41:45Speaker 04

  Is that what the police files with the guy who you can't see, who's above the screen?

• 41:49Speaker 03

  Only his chest is in the movie, yeah.

• 41:52Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, shout out to 10 and shout out to shout out to go taking mushrooms and going to the fucking movies on Christmas.

• 41:58Speaker 03

  Dude, I was just about to say, how disheartened would your parents be to be like, my number one Christmas memory is being in my 30s with my friends tripping during a global pandemic.

• 42:10Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, that's a little, that's what we'd call an indictment on their parenting.

• 42:15Speaker 03

  My best, like, last Christmas, I just went to go see Godzilla minus one with Ben Rogers, the two of us on Christmas morning. And then I picked up Chinese food for myself and went home. And I was like, this is one of the best fucking Christmases I've ever had.

• 42:29Stavros Halkias?

  Fucking awesome, dude, yeah.

• 42:30Speaker 05

  Christmas movie is great. Christmas movie is wonderful.

• 42:33Speaker 03

  Jewish people have Christmas figured it out. Like, Chinese food and a movie on Christmas?

• 42:38Stavros Halkias?

  Like, I actually feel bad doing that now, because I feel like I'm stealing Jewish culture. Yeah, yeah, I really do. Because like, they really nailed it, and now it's like, it's like, it's kind of like, that's their, they, I should be with my family, but they're, you know, I don't want to be. So I'm at the movie theater, I mean, the last one, I was, it was Avatar.

• 43:02Speaker 05

  Oh, hell, yeah.

• 43:03Stavros Halkias?

  I was, I went from like, I was laughing, I was like, this movie's fucking stupid. And then like, when his son dies, I literally started crying.

• 43:10Speaker 03

  Oh, man.

• 43:11Stavros Halkias?

  I'm bawling, I'm like, no!

• 43:13Speaker 03

  It's beautiful.

• 43:14Stavros Halkias?

  It fucking killed it.

• 43:15Speaker 05

  You love Avatar.

• 43:16Speaker 03

  I fucking love Avatar.

• 43:18Speaker 05

  I'm the only, I'm an, I liked Avatar.

• 43:20Speaker 03

  Did you see two?

• 43:21Speaker 05

  It doesn't make me emotional.

• 43:22Speaker 03

  Did you see two or no?

• 43:23Speaker 05

  Yeah, I saw it in theater.

• 43:24Stavros Halkias?

  One, I didn't like when it first came out. I mean, I was in college and I was kind of in my pretending to be a movie snob. So, I mean, I was pumped for it, don't get me wrong. And I went with my brother and, you know, the first one came out, literally, I was in college, and we were like, hell, yeah, fucking James Cameron, this is gonna be the fucking sickest action movie. And then me and my brother, it was just that moment where like,

• 43:43Stavros Halkias?

  This is kinda fucking stupid. And every moment, and then when they finally fuck with the tree, like they put their tree pussies together, like they, they put their fucking hair dicks in the tree pussy and then like fuck each other through that. We lost, we were just dying laughing. And now I will say the fight scenes were fucking sick as shit. I wish I could have watched like a 40 minute, just cut out all the talking.

• 44:05Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 44:06Stavros Halkias?

  And let me see all the fights. But the second one, I watched on so many mushrooms that to me, it's again, one of the best movies. That's how I feel about all the new Star Wars. I know, everyone hates them. They're the best movies, some of the best movies I've ever seen in my life. Cause I went so on acid.

• 44:19Speaker 03

  Oh man.

• 44:20Stavros Halkias?

  That it's the, it's a great experience, dude.

• 44:22Speaker 04

  If you watch it sober, you will think they're bad.

• 44:24Stavros Halkias?

  I will never do that. When I'm an adult, when I'm an adult and the only way I should watch those movies is on acid. Way of the Water came out and I watched it on, on the Friday that it came out on edibles and then went back on Saturday by myself, ate a fucking, ate the mushrooms and sat down with the glasses on. And the movie ended and I go, I don't even know if I tripped. It's kinda hard to tell.

• 44:44Speaker 03

  I don't think I got there.

• 44:47Stavros Halkias?

  When you're in a movie, you're like, am I tripping yet? And then it hits you, you're like, ahh, I am now.

• 44:53Speaker 04

  Let's be honest, who here went out for Pyicon, the mighty talcoon?

• 44:56Stavros Halkias?

  I'm still pissed I lost out on that.

• 45:00Speaker 03

  I wanted to do the voice, but they cast me just for the motion capture.

• 45:02Stavros Halkias?

  I put on the mocap, shoot all the balls and just float around.

• 45:07Speaker 04

  When the, when the subtitles from of the whale pops up on the screen, it's a moment where I.

• 45:14Speaker 03

  And like that weird font, the Cypress font.

• 45:16Speaker 04

  I fucking loved it. I like, I think a lot of people turned on the movie then, but I fucking.

• 45:20Speaker 03

  No, what electrified it for me is when they said, she's a beautiful singer. Like when they were talking about Pyicon, as if they, her hobbies.

• 45:29Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 45:31Speaker 03

  She's a beautiful singer.

• 45:32Stavros Halkias?

  I was like, oh man.

• 45:33Speaker 05

  Wait, Pyicon's a lady?

• 45:35Stavros Halkias?

  Pyicon's a woman?

• 45:36Speaker 04

  Well, maybe Pyicon was talking about his, his, his girlfriend or something.

• 45:39Speaker 03

  Oh yeah, I don't know. It's Pyicon's mom who died.

• 45:42Stavros Halkias?

  The mighty talcoon gets pussy.

• 45:43Speaker 04

  I mean, they have to reproduce. It's gotta happen.

• 45:46Stavros Halkias?

  That's true.

• 45:47Speaker 03

  I wonder what their dicks look like.

• 45:49Stavros Halkias?

  How few walls you could hit fucking a mighty talcoon.

• 45:54Stavros Halkias?

  You'd have to climb fully inside and just jack off. Yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely. Swim up the canal.

• 46:01Speaker 04

  That's a diversion, if it sounds like.

• 46:04Speaker 03

  That's what I do anyway.

• 46:07Speaker 03

  I go feet first into women.

• 46:12Speaker 03

  Slide them up like a sleeping bag.

• 46:17Speaker 03

  Till my feet are in their arms.

• 46:21Speaker 03

  I'm wearing her like feety pajamas.

• 46:27Speaker 03

  Still can't make her come.

• 46:32Stavros Halkias?

  Have you busted yet? Just hurry up and bust.

• 46:34Speaker 03

  This is, you should have taken your sneakers off.

• 46:38Stavros Halkias?

  What are some other, okay, so what are, how about we go, it is Christmas season after all. What are some favorite Christmas memories as boys, as men? Either one. I said my adult one.

• 46:49Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 46:50Speaker 04

  I remember, I remember I asked for moon shoes, uh, which were the Nickelodeon bouncing shoes. And my mom, I, I just didn't get them one Christmas and then she, like, four years later, I was in, I was like 13, 14. She's, I opened up a present and it was moon shoes. She's like, they're up in the attic. I forgot to give them to you like four years ago or whatever. And I was like, holy shit.

• 47:11Speaker 03

  And that's when you found out Santa wasn't real too.

• 47:14Speaker 04

  I had way too late of a Santa isn't real. My mom, I, like, I sat down with my mom when I was like in eighth grade.

• 47:20Speaker 03

  No.

• 47:22Stavros Halkias?

  You have an older sibling.

• 47:23Speaker 04

  I have an older sibling.

• 47:24Stavros Halkias?

  Usually an older sibling will spoil it.

• 47:25Speaker 04

  I sat down and I was like, I was like, Santa's not, I think it was also, she was like, it's time for this kid to know Santa's not real.

• 47:31Stavros Halkias?

  Come on, man, you're fucking 13. You should, you have pubes.

• 47:36Speaker 04

  Once you have pubes, you should not believe in Santa anymore.

• 47:39Stavros Halkias?

  Absolutely. I would say much earlier than that.

• 47:41Speaker 03

  Yeah, that's why Italian and Greek kids learn at like nine.

• 47:44Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah.

• 47:45Speaker 04

  I think I always believed in the spirit of Christmas as well, but I put on the, I put on the moon shoes and I jumped once and the snaps just fucking.

• 47:56Speaker 04

  That's a little too on the nose. I gained like enough weight that it was just like. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 48:00Speaker 03

  Would they have survived if you had gotten on the table?

• 48:02Speaker 04

  Probably not. It probably would have been still, it probably still would have snapped, but it was like immediate. And then I remember I doubled, there's extra snaps, so I like doubled up the snaps. And I was fucking bouncing around.

• 48:13Speaker 03

  It is funny that gravity broke your moon shoes. Yeah. There's an irony there.

• 48:20Speaker 03

  I love that. Moon shoes is pretty good.

• 48:22Speaker 04

  We watch, we watch, uh, we'll watch a Christmas, I'll, I'll watch a Christmas movie with my mom and sister now. With like, uh, which is now worse because it, it used to be the plus side of, of being in SAG is they give you like good DVDs.

• 48:34Speaker 03

  Screeners and shit.

• 48:34Speaker 04

  Screeners and shit.

• 48:35Speaker 03

  And now you gotta try to like log in with that six authentication apps on your mom's TV.

• 48:40Speaker 04

  That's a, yes.

• 48:41Speaker 03

  And your mom doesn't even know how to turn her own TV on and off.

• 48:43Speaker 04

  That is another thing that always happens to basement TV. She doesn't know how to turn it on.

• 48:47Speaker 03

  My mom, my mom calls my bro, my brothers, unfortunately for them, live near my mom. Like, so she's like leans on them so much. My mom called my brother one time and asked, how can I tell if my TV is on?

• 49:00Speaker 03

  I'm watching the news, but I can't tell. My brother's like, my brother's like, I don't even know what you are asking. Look at the TV. She's like, well, there's nothing on the screen. He's like, so it's probably off. She goes, but it seems on.

• 49:15Speaker 03

  He's like, he's, he hangs out with her and immediately calls me. He's like, you're not gonna believe, I like, we have to 51 50 her. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We have to commit her tonight. Yeah, dude.

• 49:25Speaker 04

  We, we watched, we watched Jackie, uh, like the.

• 49:28Speaker 03

  That's a great Christmas movie.

• 49:29Speaker 04

  We watched, we watched.

• 49:30Speaker 03

  The Jackie Onassis movie?

• 49:32Speaker 04

  And my mom was drunk and she kept being like, that's nothing like Jackie. She doesn't sound like her at all. And then at one point I was like, Ma, shut the fuck up. And then she cried. And that was the end of, that was the end of the fucking, I felt so bad. And I had to be like, no, mom, I'm sorry.

• 49:47Stavros Halkias?

  Did you finish the movie?

• 49:48Speaker 04

  We didn't, no, should we stop the movie? It was a fucking nightmare.

• 49:51Stavros Halkias?

  Oh my god.

• 49:52Speaker 04

  But she kept, every time Jackie was talking, she was like, that's not what she sounded like. This doesn't work. And I was like, I initially had it.

• 49:58Stavros Halkias?

  It's a fucking movie.

• 49:59Speaker 03

  We know how you feel about people talking during movies. Family or not, they're getting the fucking, they're getting hammered by the Mike Mitchell.

• 50:06Speaker 04

  I love my mom. It was a very sad moment.

• 50:08Stavros Halkias?

  That's your favorite Christmas memory?

• 50:10Speaker 04

  That's my favorite Christmas memory.

• 50:12Stavros Halkias?

  How does that end? Do you just get fucked up or?

• 50:14Speaker 04

  Yeah, like I would.

• 50:15Stavros Halkias?

  You just get so drunk, you try and then pass out?

• 50:17Speaker 04

  Yeah, basically.

• 50:18Stavros Halkias?

  And then you wake up, you're like, I'm sorry, mom.

• 50:20Speaker 04

  Yeah, and I went upstairs and ate some lobster, because we do lobster rolls and clam chowder on Christmas night.

• 50:26Speaker 03

  Oh shit, that's the most Boston shit ever.

• 50:27Stavros Halkias?

  That's making my dick hard. That's an awesome move.

• 50:29Speaker 03

  We try to do seven fishes on Christmas Eve.

• 50:32Stavros Halkias?

  Seven fishes is awesome.

• 50:33Speaker 03

  Yeah, we, we, we cop out a little though, because we do a salmon, a lox and whitefish bagel first thing in Christmas Eve.

• 50:41Stavros Halkias?

  Okay.

• 50:42Speaker 03

  So that's bang out two fish that way.

• 50:43Stavros Halkias?

  Okay, okay.

• 50:44Speaker 03

  So it's a little bit of a cop out.

• 50:45Stavros Halkias?

  Still.

• 50:45Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 50:45Stavros Halkias?

  I think, I, I like that. I like stealing from, I like stealing the good shit from culture. I might try and get seven fishes in the mix.

• 50:52Speaker 03

  Yeah, the most, one thing I do is that I do seven fishes on Christmas Eve and then Chinese food and like, I do Italian and Jewish, which is the only cultures I would, I was raised around.

• 51:00Speaker 04

  What's the Greek shit? What is the Greek thing?

• 51:02Stavros Halkias?

  We don't really have, I mean.

• 51:04Speaker 03

  It's one of those things where like Greek Christmas is like December 26th. It's like, they always have like Greek Easter, it's the day after your Easter.

• 51:11Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, well, Greek, Greek people actually like, first of all, our Santa Claus is Saint Vasilios. It's not, it's not Saint Nick. It's Saint Vasilios.

• 51:23Speaker 04

  Cardinal Law had to move him around.

• 51:26Stavros Halkias?

  No, no, no. Greek, Greek priests are the ones who don't fuck kids. Nice try, Catholic.

• 51:33Stavros Halkias?

  I won't be fucking lectured by a Catholic about priests fucking children. Thank you very much.

• 51:37Speaker 03

  You're thinking of the Greek army.

• 51:40Stavros Halkias?

  You're thinking of the Greek philosophers, army, every other type of Greek.

• 51:45Speaker 03

  Yeah, who we didn't even did the steam room.

• 51:47Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, Greeks, Greeks had already gotten it out of their system by the time. A hundred. Yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely. First time organized. We got it out of our system when we were a young civilization. All the philosophers fucked the boys to their hearts content.

• 52:05Stavros Halkias?

  Look, maybe that makes you good at math. I don't know. I'm bad. I'm bad at math. I'll never know.

• 52:11Stavros Halkias?

  But yes, and technically, yeah, different. Yeah, yeah, here, look. Different time. Four, four thousand years ago, you could fuck kids. It was different. Yes, I wasn't all woke back then.

• 52:24Stavros Halkias?

  We didn't have a woke age of consent.

• 52:32Stavros Halkias?

  And so, uh, Saint Vasilios is supposed to come on New Year's Day, actually.

• 52:37Speaker 03

  Whoa.

• 52:38Stavros Halkias?

  So Greek people in Greece. And my parents tried that a couple of years and then I was like, you're not beating American culture. Like, you gotta give us our fucking presents.

• 52:47Speaker 03

  Do you talk about Saint Nicholas the way other religions talk about Jesus? Like, he was, he was an important man.

• 52:51Stavros Halkias?

  He was a prophet. Yeah, no, no, for real. He's a different saint. He's a good saint. He was like some saint in like fucking Asia Minor somewhere. He's like in Turkey or something. And yeah, and, uh, but we're not, but he didn't have, he didn't do shit with gifts. No, no, no. That was Saint Vasilios.

• 53:06Speaker 03

  The power of Christmas is super powerful. I grew up around a ton of Jewish people and I would say 50% of them got Christmas trees and Christmas presents eventually.

• 53:13Stavros Halkias?

  It's completely cultural.

• 53:14Speaker 03

  Cause they were like, we could be secular Christmas celebrators. It's like, why not? Fuck it. I'm not religious at all. I'm not like, thank God Jesus was born.

• 53:21Stavros Halkias?

  I think it's, it should go both ways. I want to, I want some potato lacas and celebrate Hanukkah.

• 53:26Speaker 03

  It should go both ways. Jewish people should invite me over.

• 53:28Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, but Hanukkah sucks dick though, too. It's not like a fun holiday.

• 53:32Speaker 04

  Yeah, no, they don't even care that much about it.

• 53:34Stavros Halkias?

  They just kind of tried. They were like, it just falls on the same, around the same time as Christmas. So they tried to be like, well, we had, it'd be like if your friend had a PlayStation, you're like, uh, uh, I have an Atari. You know what I mean? It's like, no one fucking cares. Fuck your stupid, we get socks and like fucking play Traylor.

• 53:51Speaker 03

  Every religion is like, we are completely different and we are the one true religion. Weirdly enough, all our big holidays are on the same day as yours. And it's like, oh, that also happens to be around the vernal equinox, which is the pagan holiday, the longest night of the year. It's always like, everyone's like, yeah, Christianity is real. It's like, yeah, why do we all do something on December 25th? Mitch is getting upset. Yeah.

• 54:18Stavros Halkias?

  Mitch is texting his priest right now.

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• 55:54Stavros Halkias?

  I did love when you were going insane and like you were religious for like you're like scared of ghosts and shit. You're like praying to God.

• 56:02Speaker 03

  Mitch takes his priest and his priest is like, wait, we haven't done this in 25 years.

• 56:07Stavros Halkias?

  Well, well, well, look who it is. You said you'd never call me after your eighth grade graduation. After I told you Santa wasn't real?

• 56:19Speaker 03

  Rattory damn near killed me.

• 56:22Speaker 04

  I told you that I, first of all, when I was Santa, they promised me to go to, uh, this is, this is just completely off track, but I just remembered. They promised me to go to that Foxborough game where the Patriots, the snowball.

• 56:36Speaker 03

  Yeah, who is they?

• 56:39Speaker 03

  When I was Santa, they promised.

• 56:45Speaker 03

  You sound absolutely like you got molested.

• 56:47Stavros Halkias?

  When I was Santa Claus, they told me I could see Tom Brady playing.

• 56:53Speaker 03

  You promised me if I put the Santa suit on, I'd get to meet Gronk.

• 56:57Stavros Halkias?

  While getting molested by his priest. He's like, he told me if I was a good boy and with the Santa suit and didn't tell nobody what we was doing, I could go see Tom Brady in the snow.

• 57:08Speaker 03

  Tom Brady's gonna throw me a snowball and I'm gonna catch it. I'm Gronk.

• 57:14Speaker 04

  I caught a pass from Tom Brady. We talked about that before, but I went, I went.

• 57:18Speaker 03

  I kissed Tom Brady on the lips while he's getting a massage.

• 57:22Stavros Halkias?

  You dressed as his son. You tricked him. You put on a, you put on a little dinosaur t-shirt.

• 57:30Speaker 04

  I, I, I caught a pass from Brady. That, you got me all off track.

• 57:33Stavros Halkias?

  All right. Who, who told you you could go see the Patriots? The family?

• 57:37Speaker 04

  The family that played Santa for, and then they pulled, they pulled it out from under me.

• 57:40Stavros Halkias?

  And they didn't give it to you?

• 57:41Speaker 04

  They didn't give it to me because the cousin wanted to go, so I missed the fucking game. I know, it was fucked up. And then it was like one of the best games of all time, but yeah, uh, the, their cardinal law was at my confirmation, the bad guy from Spotlight.

• 57:52Speaker 03

  The guy from Spotlight.

• 57:53Stavros Halkias?

  The villain from Spotlight was at your confirmation. The arch molester.

• 58:01Speaker 03

  Did you get a credit in Spotlight?

• 58:03Speaker 04

  A special thanks.

• 58:07Speaker 04

  Story, story credits.

• 58:09Stavros Halkias?

  Every kid that got molested got a story credit.

• 58:13Speaker 04

  Also, don't look up the Quincy mayor's thoughts on the, on the Catholic priest scandal. Don't look it up. That's all I'll say. Don't look it up. And then I, I, when I, when I got, when I got what was long COVID was I don't know how many of you were believing it or not, but I, I, I got long COVID and I, I was, I had vertigo and I thought I was insane. And I bought holy water online from Amazon.

• 58:38Stavros Halkias?

  From Amazon.

• 58:39Speaker 03

  That's the craziest specific I've ever heard.

• 58:41Stavros Halkias?

  Incredible.

• 58:42Speaker 03

  And it stained your wall.

• 58:43Speaker 04

  It stained my wall from the river, Jordan. My, my, my friend, my childhood friend was up there.

• 58:47Speaker 03

  That sounds like an explanation after the fact.

• 58:49Speaker 05

  It stained the wall.

• 58:50Stavros Halkias?

  It stained the wall. It stains all over my wall. It's from holy water.

• 58:56Speaker 04

  But the moment that I knew I was.

• 58:57Speaker 03

  Jordanian river water turns up under black light.

• 59:01Speaker 03

  And I guess I was drinking out of it too.

• 59:04Stavros Halkias?

  And they say actually if you, if you use holy water, your DNA is in it.

• 59:10Speaker 03

  They told me if I did the DNA in the holy water, I can go to the Red Sox game. I can meet the green monster.

• 59:17Speaker 04

  I knew it was gonna be me who got fucking, I knew it was gonna happen at some point.

• 59:23Speaker 04

  I, I was, I was blessing my house. I got two bottles of holy water. I was blessing my house.

• 59:27Speaker 03

  You got backup holy water?

• 59:28Speaker 04

  I got, I got backup holy water.

• 59:30Speaker 03

  In case one of the Amazon holy waters was, was a sham, you got.

• 59:34Speaker 04

  There's actually two different, I think one was like Amazon holy water. The other one was.

• 59:38Stavros Halkias?

  Amazon was basic.

• 59:41Speaker 04

  Holy water.

• 59:41Stavros Halkias?

  Do they have priests in there? They're not allowed to take a bathroom break until they bless all the fucking water? Priests wearing diapers, blessing holy water?

• 59:51Speaker 04

  That's where they moved the priests to. Cardinal, I was like, you gotta go to fucking Amazon warehouse. It's a last strike.

• 59:59Speaker 04

  But I was blessing it and when I realized I was crazy was when I was outside my house, blessing it, my neighbor saw me blessing my house and I was like, oh, you fucking have lost your mind.

• 1:00:08Speaker 03

  There's nothing like a brief moment of realizing you're being observed to undo everything you're doing where you're like, you're like, my energy is off. I could just see it in the other person's eyes that I gotta get my shit together.

• 1:00:20Stavros Halkias?

  And by the way, like, Greek people get priests to come and like bless their house all the time. Like, if you had a priest do it, I would have been like, that's stupid, but whatever. Buying it from Amazon is just like.

• 1:00:30Speaker 03

  DIY.

• 1:00:30Stavros Halkias?

  This is definitely not.

• 1:00:32Speaker 03

  It's stupider than believing in it. You know what I mean? It's already stupid to believe in it in my book. And then they go one below it and order it off Amazon. I do believe in it and I also believe this will help.

• 1:00:44Speaker 04

  Amazon, a book of the dead, like a fleshbound book that I was reading from. I was trying everything I could. I was fucking.

• 1:00:50Stavros Halkias?

  Get a TaskRabbit. Hope a priest is on TaskRabbit.

• 1:00:53Speaker 04

  I drove by the murder house. I was dating my neighbor. I drove by them.

• 1:00:58Stavros Halkias?

  You were dating your neighbor, you said?

• 1:00:59Speaker 04

  I was dating my neighbor. This is the truth.

• 1:01:00Stavros Halkias?

  This is new lore.

• 1:01:01Speaker 04

  I was dating my neighbor. You could see into her bedroom from my kitchen window. This is the truth.

• 1:01:07Speaker 03

  She saw you with binoculars. You had to pretend you were in love with her. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, please. No, no, don't call the cops.

• 1:01:14Stavros Halkias?

  And then you're a master.

• 1:01:15Speaker 03

  You're fine. I'll date you.

• 1:01:16Stavros Halkias?

  You got a fucking telescope looking out her fucking tits through your kitchen window?

• 1:01:24Speaker 03

  We're exclusive.

• 1:01:26Stavros Halkias?

  You're my girl. You throw a fucking paper airplane. You're my girlfriend now.

• 1:01:32Speaker 04

  Like Wile E. Coyote, just a sign. You're my girlfriend. She, you could see, you didn't need a telescope. They were so close. I wasn't spying in her window, to be clear. Ever, ever, ever.

• 1:01:47Speaker 03

  I mean, the laziest thing I've ever heard is just to start dating a neighbor. That is like the most like.

• 1:01:53Stavros Halkias?

  That is a fat guy. That is spiritually fat.

• 1:01:55Speaker 03

  Come over here. Sit on your porch with like a fucking hoagie.

• 1:01:59Stavros Halkias?

  Somebody left my Jersey bikes on your stoop. Can you bring it over here and give me head, please?

• 1:02:07Stavros Halkias?

  That was your meat cute, M E A T?

• 1:02:11Stavros Halkias?

  You got ribeyes delivered and they actually send them to her fucking house?

• 1:02:15Speaker 03

  Do me a favor, Mr. Postmates Driver? Can you put this with a heart on it in my neighbor's house?

• 1:02:20Speaker 04

  I actually, I went over there and I did not, I knocked on her door because I needed to put a ladder in the alley. And I knocked on her door and it was a very pretty lady and I was like, I was like, hey.

• 1:02:31Stavros Halkias?

  Put a ladder in her alley?

• 1:02:34Speaker 04

  That's not some innuendo.

• 1:02:39Stavros Halkias?

  I knocked on her door, I had to, I had to change the batteries on all the fucking listening devices I had in her house.

• 1:02:45Speaker 04

  The battery on the microcam.

• 1:02:47Speaker 03

  I think the hard drive on your toilet can is full.

• 1:02:50Speaker 04

  Hey, can I just put in some more RAM?

• 1:02:53Speaker 03

  Can I have an external hard drive to my toilet can?

• 1:02:57Speaker 04

  There's actors like that, but that's not me. There's plenty who do shit like that, but I'm not one of them. But I, but I was like, I was like, hey, and I, I was like, can I get your landlord's number? And she's, yeah, I'll give it to you. And then she's like, what's your number? She took my number and then we started talking and then. She said that I didn't pick up on like her, she was like, like, how's your Christmas neighbor? And I was like, it's good. And she was like, I was trying to like hang out with you and you didn't get it. And then we hung out later and we.

• 1:03:22Speaker 03

  She's like, I said, how's your Christmas? Cause I saw that you were sitting in front of your Christmas tree jerking off.

• 1:03:30Stavros Halkias?

  Mitch is yelling at ghosts.

• 1:03:36Speaker 03

  Yeah, you think it's Jacob Marley or whatever?

• 1:03:38Speaker 04

  I didn't learn a single lesson. They're just all gone.

• 1:03:43Speaker 04

  But she, she, we went, we drove by this murder house in, in Los Feliz and, and then she, she was, she went away to go up to Northern California to a weed farm. And then I, and I was alone, which she now has moved to, she's not my neighbor anymore, she's gone. But, uh, I, and I.

• 1:03:59Speaker 03

  Still your girlfriend?

• 1:04:00Speaker 04

  No, she's not.

• 1:04:01Speaker 03

  Okay, okay.

• 1:04:02Speaker 04

  Yeah, so, so I.

• 1:04:03Speaker 03

  Did she move or break up? Did you guys break up or did she move first? Which happened first?

• 1:04:07Speaker 04

  Broke up and then she moved.

• 1:04:08Speaker 03

  Yeah, that's, you know, you're gonna be like, am I gonna live next to my ex boyfriend?

• 1:04:13Speaker 04

  That was complicated.

• 1:04:14Speaker 03

  He's still got that fucking ladder out there? I'm worried, I don't even think he should be on that thing. Look at the package.

• 1:04:20Stavros Halkias?

  He's got that ladder, and there's a bunch of rope that broke next to it. There's a bunch of nooses that broke in half.

• 1:04:30Speaker 04

  Going to Home Depot, be like, what hell is around like 320?

• 1:04:34Stavros Halkias?

  I just hear him on the phone with Home Depot's customer service. You said it was rated for up to 350. I want a full refund.

• 1:04:43Speaker 03

  That sounds like when you come to my house, I have a sex swing on the floor and four holes missing.

• 1:04:51Speaker 04

  I'm waiting for my new girlfriend to move into that place, wherever she is.

• 1:04:57Speaker 03

  You buy it and become the landlord.

• 1:05:02Stavros Halkias?

  Send headshot with credit score.

• 1:05:05Speaker 03

  Looking for curvy podcast nerd.

• 1:05:10Speaker 04

  You're getting the wrong people with that.

• 1:05:11Speaker 03

  Yeah, that's true.

• 1:05:12Stavros Halkias?

  You're gonna get us.

• 1:05:16Speaker 04

  So we drove by the murder house and then she went up to California, so I was also just alone. And I watched a documentary and they were like, after I went to the house, my lights started going off. And then my motion lights started to go off and I got vertigo. And then there was a weird thing on my security camera where I thought I heard a ghost.

• 1:05:34Speaker 03

  I heard about this.

• 1:05:35Speaker 04

  I thought I heard a ghost say yes and breathe. Turns out that it was, the yes was this from This is Sports Center and I was fast forwarding.

• 1:05:46Speaker 03

  His buddy watched, stayed with him, watched the, what he thought was ghost footage.

• 1:05:52Speaker 04

  And he thought it was scary. He did think it was scary. And I had vertigo. I'd never dealt with shit like that before and I was like.

• 1:05:57Speaker 03

  But you were straight losing your mind.

• 1:05:58Speaker 04

  I was losing my mind. It was crazy. And then, and then all that shit went away luckily, but it was fucking terrifying.

• 1:06:03Speaker 03

  I've never had that. I've never lost my mind.

• 1:06:08Speaker 04

  I am the most cowardly of the three big boys here, I would say.

• 1:06:10Stavros Halkias?

  I don't know about that.

• 1:06:11Speaker 05

  I'm pretty cowardly.

• 1:06:12Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, I don't know about that. Zach's a bit of a.

• 1:06:17Stavros Halkias?

  Not with supernatural.

• 1:06:18Speaker 04

  Cowards in our own ways.

• 1:06:20Speaker 05

  I'm not afraid of any supernatural shit, but other stuff, but like birds.

• 1:06:25Stavros Halkias?

  I don't fuck with birds either, actually. I don't trust them. They're fucked up.

• 1:06:28Speaker 05

  Unpredictable.

• 1:06:29Stavros Halkias?

  No, dude.

• 1:06:30Speaker 03

  Yeah, for me, it's Vietnamese people.

• 1:06:36Speaker 03

  I don't think cowardly is the word.

• 1:06:47Speaker 03

  I'm not scared of supernatural stuff or like.

• 1:06:50Speaker 04

  It does feel different when you say that, wearing a USA.

• 1:06:52Speaker 03

  In the USA Santa.

• 1:06:56Speaker 03

  As long as they come here correctly.

• 1:06:59Speaker 03

  As long as they come to the North Pole legally.

• 1:07:02Speaker 04

  I am afraid of the other people who bought that Santa suit.

• 1:07:04Speaker 03

  Yeah, absolutely. That's a fucking baller Santa suit. My cowardly thing is I'm always afraid to be in somebody else's way. I think it's like a hold up, like a fat kid.

• 1:07:15Speaker 04

  That's a bad one to have as a big guy.

• 1:07:16Speaker 03

  Yeah, no, I feel like I'm constant. It activates my claustrophobia that I feel like I'm in somebody's way. Like I, like at restaurants, I'm just like sucked in, standing against the wall. So like a guy with a tray, I'm not in anybody. I like, that's my bigot. And that's a real bitch move to be like, everyone else is like confident. It's like, this is my space. I'm like, excuse me.

• 1:07:35Speaker 04

  That's, I'm the same way.

• 1:07:36Speaker 03

  I literally work out so I can keep my legs together when I'm sitting in theater seats. And at basketball games, because. Yeah, you, all three of you almost went to a Knicks game together. And I was wondering what kind of knee on knee burn you would have.

• 1:07:49Speaker 04

  I said to Zach, I was like, I'm gonna put my arm around you at the Knicks game, which I did do quite a bit.

• 1:07:54Speaker 03

  And it's easier, and it's crazy, because I've, I've been like that too.

• 1:07:57Stavros Halkias?

  Free sub space.

• 1:07:58Speaker 03

  Where like, when you're, because you're, it's not like we're all gut guys, we're also shoulder guys. So it's like, when you're sitting next to each other, you're kind of gotta be like, this is actually the most comfortable way for me.

• 1:08:07Stavros Halkias?

  A double, a double like arm around, or taking turns putting your arms around.

• 1:08:11Speaker 04

  If I go on a date with a woman, I'm, I got, I'll tell her that I'm like, if I put my arm around you, it's not me trying to make a move. Like I don't have space to put my arm, my hand to go here.

• 1:08:20Speaker 03

  If I put my arm.

• 1:08:20Stavros Halkias?

  Same reason I'm grabbing your tits, by the way. If I have fat hands, I need something to hold on to.

• 1:08:26Speaker 03

  It's a medical, it's a medical issue.

• 1:08:31Stavros Halkias?

  If I put my arm around you, you can suck on my tits.

• 1:08:35Stavros Halkias?

  You know, John, you said restaurant and we have to go eat at one. So we should probably do some questions from our audience.

• 1:08:41Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah. Good thinking.

• 1:08:42Stavros Halkias?

  Even though I am having a wonderful time chatting with the fellas.

• 1:08:45Speaker 04

  They're gonna see us walk in and be like, oh, fuck.

• 1:08:49Speaker 03

  Bust out the old 76er.

• 1:08:52Speaker 03

  You just hear it like, moo.

• 1:08:55Speaker 03

  The fucking Anton Segarmasian.

• 1:08:57Stavros Halkias?

  We'll take those.

• 1:09:00Speaker 04

  Some mascot. Mascot they've had for years.

• 1:09:06Stavros Halkias?

  Hit us with a, hit us with a question here, little eldest.

• 1:09:10Speaker 08

  Hey, what's up, Scott? Whatever guest you have on. Been watching the show and you stand up for a while. So I've managed to get a bunch of my girlfriend's friends to hate me after being falsely accused of cheating. So I went to my girlfriend's best friend's destination wedding.

• 1:09:26Stavros Halkias?

  Okay.

• 1:09:27Speaker 08

  We were at the after party and I was just chilling at the open bar. And I started having a good conversation with a pretty attractive girl who was the bride's cousin. I didn't make a pass at her. I even let her use my phone to call her boyfriend. My girlfriend took notice of us talking after like 20 minutes and she made a scene about it. But we made up and that was that. Come to find out that after we get home from this wedding, that multiple people apparently saw us go into a bathroom together. I had no idea what they were talking about. And the girl herself completely denied anything happening. I thought about it for a couple of weeks. And remember that we both walked to separate bathrooms.

• 1:10:11Speaker 08

  And she couldn't find the light switch. So I legitimately walked in with the door open for all of about five seconds, which was apparently enough for people to notice. So all the friends at this wedding spread this rumor that I definitely cheated even after the girl denied it. And now they won't stop slandering me. A lot of the girls are hairdressers, so now it's become like town gossip. And now after saying the light switch thing.

• 1:10:37Speaker 09

  That's the worst community to piss off.

• 1:10:39Speaker 08

  That I lied about not being in the bathroom, which is completely untrue. I just didn't remember because it was such an insignificant moment. Which I previously explained to her and her husband, but apparently in their minds I lied, so that's nice. So now all these people dislike me for something I 100% did not do. And I have no idea how to navigate this because I'm so pissed off that they are assaulting my character. When cheating is so against who I am. And I want to stand up for myself and I have no problem with confrontation.

• 1:11:10Speaker 09

  You can tell.

• 1:11:11Speaker 08

  I don't know how I should do it. And this whole thing is affecting my girlfriend's friendships, which I feel really terrible about. So should I just let it rock because my girlfriend knows how to do it? Should I tell these people off like I really want to? You know, gossip usually doesn't affect me, but being called a lying cheater is just striking a nerve, man. I don't know. Any appreciated. Any input appreciated. Thanks.

• 1:11:34Speaker 03

  Hmm. I feel a little bit like this guy needs us to co-sign him and then he can like play it. He's like, I was even on the Stobby Podcast and agreed.

• 1:11:43Speaker 09

  And they said, they verified.

• 1:11:45Speaker 05

  They also agreed I didn't cheat.

• 1:11:49Speaker 04

  I think he's gonna be less pissed off is my first. He's so pissed off. I mean, of course he would be pissed off, but even just like, he's like, my fucking character.

• 1:11:57Speaker 05

  It's possible. I believe he maybe didn't do it, but he's, he's talking about it exactly like someone who did do it.

• 1:12:03Speaker 03

  That's a great point.

• 1:12:04Speaker 05

  That's why, when he said, as I previously already told her and her husband. That's very like I got caught style language. So maybe you just need to get a thesaurus.

• 1:12:14Speaker 03

  People saw us going to the bathroom together and I didn't know what the fuck they were talking about. Then I remembered that we did go into the bathroom together.

• 1:12:22Speaker 03

  What was the last one?

• 1:12:23Stavros Halkias?

  Even for us, we're like, wait a second. You went to the bathroom, that's fucking weird. So dude, yeah, here are your two options. Either, I like, I love that advice where it's like, just act cool or like someone accused you of something you didn't do. These are dumb, who cares what these dumb bitches think? These fucking dumb fucking hairstylists, who gives a fuck? Tell them to fu- you can just be like, I didn't do that, whatever.

• 1:12:46Speaker 03

  If, yeah, if his girl belie- like if his girlfriend believes him.

• 1:12:49Stavros Halkias?

  Totally.

• 1:12:49Speaker 05

  That is what matters.

• 1:12:50Speaker 03

  That also is maybe, not to say like women have to do all the emotional work here, but that might be a little bit of her job to kind of say to her friends, hey, I don't think he cheated, I'm staying with him. Can you stop rattling it off at the fucking salon?

• 1:13:04Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, you either do that or everybody thinks you fucking cheated anyway.

• 1:13:10Speaker 03

  Just cheat.

• 1:13:11Stavros Halkias?

  Just cheat. And that way you're even. And that way you can live.

• 1:13:14Speaker 03

  Blame them if you get caught, be like, you did this to me.

• 1:13:17Stavros Halkias?

  And you let the girl use your phone so you have her boyfriend's number. You can get in touch with her.

• 1:13:23Stavros Halkias?

  You should tell this girl, you should be like, listen, tell everyone I didn't cheat or I'm gonna fucking pretend we did, I did fuck you. And I'm gonna tell your husband, you fucking, you fucking whore.

• 1:13:32Speaker 03

  If you don't back me up at some point, I'm gonna just say, you're right, I did.

• 1:13:35Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, yeah. Yeah, exactly. Take her down with you, be a kamikaze.

• 1:13:40Speaker 05

  But she agrees with him, she says she did, that they did it.

• 1:13:43Speaker 03

  That's what's, he needs to say he cheated with all the hairdressers.

• 1:13:46Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, yeah, he fucked the hairdressers.

• 1:13:48Speaker 04

  Here's the issue, if you go to so far as to be like, I'm getting a lie detector test, people will then think you are cheating. Like, there's no real way to win it, I guess.

• 1:13:57Speaker 03

  No, you gotta just kind of do like the, uh, politics and thing and that comedians also do. You just start ignoring it, never speak to it, never give it any oxygen. And just live your fucking life with everyone thinking like, didn't he date a high school girl? And so I just keep moving.

• 1:14:12Speaker 04

  Is that a specific thing?

• 1:14:14Speaker 03

  Specific, but not for just one comment.

• 1:14:20Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, are we talking about the one who just dated him or the one who kinda had a weird cult of high school girls? He was texting as a couple. There's a few. I'm friends with like three of them.

• 1:14:31Speaker 04

  I wonder how much more of this story go, he's like, they saw us go in the bathroom and then also they saw us kissing and I did remember that that happened.

• 1:14:37Stavros Halkias?

  And I was giving them out to mouth.

• 1:14:40Speaker 04

  A stand up hymn. Yeah. A stand up.

• 1:14:42Stavros Halkias?

  She didn't know where the light switch was, so I put my tongue to the back of her tooth and I remembered I had given another guy my belt, so my pants were down because I was trying to be a nice guy. It's like a Rube Goldberg hookup.

• 1:14:56Stavros Halkias?

  But there is something to, if everybody, like, it's that episode of Sopranos where everybody thinks Tony got hooked up with Adriana.

• 1:15:05Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:15:05Stavros Halkias?

  And he, and he just like, you know what? I can't clear my name, I'm just gonna act like I, I'm just gonna act like I did it and I'm telling everybody to fuck off and get over it. And I think at a certain point, you have to just be-

• 1:15:17Speaker 04

  Which also was horrible, I think, I think it was, it didn't work out well for him in the show.

• 1:15:21Stavros Halkias?

  But, but it's also like the only, that's the only move you have.

• 1:15:24Speaker 04

  Yeah, you're right.

• 1:15:25Stavros Halkias?

  My point, I mean, it wasn't good. And also, who are we kidding? He would have fucked her.

• 1:15:28Speaker 04

  Yeah, 100%.

• 1:15:29Stavros Halkias?

  Like, they just got in a car accident or else he would have 100% fucked her. That was so clearly what was happening.

• 1:15:35Speaker 04

  This ends with this guy like-

• 1:15:37Stavros Halkias?

  You know what?

• 1:15:37Speaker 04

  This guy ends with him suffocating his nephew in a car wreck.

• 1:15:42Stavros Halkias?

  Hold, take those hairdressers on a nice long drive, get in a car accident and just hold their fucking noses shut. Yeah, introduce them to Joey Pants. But I just think like, you, you either have to let this go or act as someone who cheat, like, if you did cheat, would you be this mad and indignant or would you just wanna let this go away? Yeah. You'd probably just wanna try and let this go away, so just, you, you've, you've been dealt this hand, who gives a fuck? Keep it pushing. Maybe your girlfriend wouldn't be friends with these people and also like, you know, maybe consider move, you and your girlfriend from, you know, not to be, um, not to take too much from your cadence, but it feels like you've never left your hometown, so maybe move somewhere else with a, with this girlfriend that you love. Yeah.

• 1:16:25Stavros Halkias?

  You don't have to be, you know, where Gabrus went to high school your whole life. I definitely played lacrosse with this guy.

• 1:16:34Speaker 03

  This guy played D2 lacrosse and is a MTA cop.

• 1:16:40Speaker 03

  Different psych test.

• 1:16:42Stavros Halkias?

  What else we got, Big L?

• 1:16:43Speaker 10

  Hi, Stav.

• 1:16:46Speaker 10

  I don't want to say my name, but I am such a big fan of yours. I just saw your photo at the Venice Film Festival and it was so cute and I'm so proud of you.

• 1:16:56Speaker 01

  Thank you.

• 1:16:57Speaker 10

  But my question today is about one of my best friends. We've known each other since middle school, we're both in our late twenties. And within the last like three years, one of the only things he like invites me to do is to go spend time at her boyfriend's mom's place. And the first couple of times, like one was for a Christmas party. It's like, whatever, you know, mom's got a pool.

• 1:17:25Speaker 01

  It is Christmas after all.

• 1:17:26Speaker 10

  But the thing about this mom is like, she has offered me fucking cocaine before and that just really makes me uncomfortable when a person who's my parents' age, if not a little bit older, is like still doing cocaine. She does it with my friend. And this woman, she moved out of the house and now lives in an apartment complex. And my friend's like, oh yeah, she's got a nice pool. It's like a good place to drink and have beers. And I'm like, dude, we're in our late twenties. Like, I, I, I feel like we should still be going out and like doing fun shit and not hanging out with a bunch of middle aged people. Like I'd, I'd rather spend time with my parents.

• 1:18:08Speaker 10

  So my question is like, am I a bitch for like saying that to her? Or is that reasonable? Like it's not my fucking boyfriend's mom and I would never ask that of her.

• 1:18:22Speaker 01

  This is crazy.

• 1:18:23Speaker 10

  You know, in the reverse, so. I don't know. Let me know what you think, Stav. Oh, also, hi, Aldis and hi, guest. Okay, bye bye.

• 1:18:31Speaker 03

  Yeah, I mean, this is fucking insane.

• 1:18:33Speaker 04

  Yeah, this is wild.

• 1:18:34Speaker 03

  This, the whole thing was for me, finding out that the girl does do, the other, her friend does coke with her boyfriend's mom.

• 1:18:43Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:18:43Speaker 03

  With her mother-in-law.

• 1:18:44Speaker 05

  With her, like, yeah.

• 1:18:45Speaker 03

  Imagine getting yacked up with your in-laws? That seems like a fucking nightmare.

• 1:18:49Speaker 05

  Yeah. This is either the weirdest, most fucked up call, like, this girl is like about to get like sexted into some weird middle-aged, like, poly community.

• 1:18:59Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 1:19:00Speaker 05

  It felt a little like that to me.

• 1:19:01Speaker 03

  Or it's the exact opposite and it's like, she is gonna marry this guy and she literally loves her mother-in-law to the point where, and they're both dirtbags, they're like... Yeah, it sounds like they're both like a little bit of party chicks, like, we can go hang out by their complex pool. And we live in LA, you know what a complex pool vibe is? It's crazy. Like, imagine going out there with like some friends and drinking with all, and like opening that up to all your neighbors.

• 1:19:25Speaker 05

  And being like 50, being like 48.

• 1:19:28Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:19:28Speaker 05

  And being like fucking like with, uh, your daughter and getting doing cocaine? Like, that's nuts, dude.

• 1:19:35Speaker 03

  She's right, right?

• 1:19:37Speaker 05

  Like, that is weird.

• 1:19:38Speaker 04

  I think it's weird for sure.

• 1:19:40Speaker 03

  But I'd also like, if she doesn't wanna, if you don't, one thing you have to learn by your late twenties is if you don't wanna do something, you don't have to do it.

• 1:19:46Speaker 05

  You don't have to anymore.

• 1:19:47Speaker 03

  Hundred percent.

• 1:19:48Speaker 05

  My question, she said the only thing she invites me to is this, does her friend do other things and just not include you? Like, are you her do coke with my boyfriend's mom friend?

• 1:19:58Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah, like, she's going to theme parks every other night and not inviting her and like doing all this cool fun shit.

• 1:20:03Speaker 05

  If that's all she's doing and she's inviting you, that's less weird to me.

• 1:20:07Speaker 03

  Right.

• 1:20:08Speaker 05

  Because then it's like, oh, she wants to see you and all she's doing is doing coke by the pool.

• 1:20:11Speaker 03

  That's kinda how I read it, but I know what you're saying.

• 1:20:13Speaker 05

  If she's doing other stuff and you're just that friend.

• 1:20:16Speaker 03

  Yeah, you've been relegated to that friend, you're like, you're the one... She has like rich boat friends that she's always going out with. And then like her, she's like, uh, what about me? And you're like, well, you can come over to my mom's house and do coke in the complex. We can go to the laundry room and cut up a line on top of the dryer.

• 1:20:33Stavros Halkias?

  We know this trick where we get the quarters out, we do laundry for free. If your piss is injected really fast, you get it back. You gotta be quick.

• 1:20:40Speaker 04

  You know what? I'll take a bullet for you. I'll go hang out with them. You don't have to go anymore. Just let me know what the deal is.

• 1:20:45Speaker 03

  By the way, I'm 100% down to go hang out with a bunch of middle-aged cokeheads in an apartment pool complex. That is my mind.

• 1:20:53Stavros Halkias?

  I would, I would show up too.

• 1:20:55Speaker 03

  I'll fuck whoever you need me to.

• 1:20:57Stavros Halkias?

  Honestly, if there's a, we kind of exactly are in the, in the age range where it's like, if there's a party where they have like trashy, late 40s, early 50s, and then like weird 28-year-olds, I'm like, I'm good either way, brother.

• 1:21:12Speaker 03

  Those are my two types.

• 1:21:13Stavros Halkias?

  Sign me the fuck up.

• 1:21:14Speaker 03

  Drunk 50-year-olds and weird 28-year-olds? That's my fucking spectrum right there.

• 1:21:22Stavros Halkias?

  But yes, I think like, that's a good point. Like, I read it as her friend is just weirdly, you meet these people that sometimes kind of like only hang out with their significant others.

• 1:21:32Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:21:33Stavros Halkias?

  It feels like she's done that in a very weird way.

• 1:21:35Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:21:35Stavros Halkias?

  Where like, like, so her, her boyfriend does coke with his mom? On the regular?

• 1:21:41Speaker 03

  There's also a weird detail in there where she's like, we used to go to her house, which maybe like a house could be a party scene, but then when she's like, she just moved into an apartment complex, you wonder, she get like a divorce from the dad.

• 1:21:52Stavros Halkias?

  This shit's going bad.

• 1:21:53Speaker 03

  Are they losing all their money on coke? She does cocaine all the time. She just moved from a house to an apartment complex.

• 1:21:59Stavros Halkias?

  Easier upkeep.

• 1:22:00Speaker 03

  Yeah. If the house is halfway between what and what? Oh, I don't know. They just call it the halfway house.

• 1:22:06Speaker 04

  A guy offered me coke this weekend. It was at a, at a, at a bar this weekend. I was out and it was, he offered me coke at 6:00 in the morning.

• 1:22:14Speaker 03

  Whoa. Well, you were at a bar at 6:00 in the morning.

• 1:22:16Speaker 04

  I was at a bar at 6:00 in the morning.

• 1:22:19Speaker 03

  He's assuming you already did it.

• 1:22:22Speaker 04

  But I was also like, I'm 43 years old and it's 6:00 in the morning. And like you've said before, like, you don't see a lot of fat guys in their 40s who do coke.

• 1:22:28Speaker 03

  Well, no, you, you can't do coke if you're a fat comedian. It literally kills you eventually.

• 1:22:33Stavros Halkias?

  No, 100, I literally, when I turned 30, I was like, no more cocaine.

• 1:22:36Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:22:36Stavros Halkias?

  If I lose weight, I can do cocaine again.

• 1:22:39Speaker 03

  It's beef fat or do cocaine.

• 1:22:44Speaker 04

  I don't need an extender on the airplane. I can do coke again. Thing I wish, I have to undo my Santa belt, which is fucking pathetic.

• 1:22:51Speaker 03

  The Santa belts are too tight. It's a bad sign.

• 1:22:54Stavros Halkias?

  The idea of like a weird training montage where when finally Stavi like gets on the scale and it says like 240 and he just leaves it in the glass around, it's like, I am a tiger.

• 1:23:08Stavros Halkias?

  Sorry, this is just because of my shoulder.

• 1:23:12Speaker 03

  I would say also, I have, I have friends who like, ask me to do things I don't really want to do and I'll usually do, I'll do like a once a year.

• 1:23:18Speaker 04

  This podcast.

• 1:23:19Speaker 03

  Exactly. If you still want to be.

• 1:23:21Stavros Halkias?

  It's just, yeah, yeah, right.

• 1:23:22Speaker 04

  You want to dress up as Santa in a podcast?

• 1:23:27Stavros Halkias?

  Thank God you're only doing these once a year, Santa podcast.

• 1:23:31Speaker 03

  But if you still want that person in your life, you can throw them a once a year bone and just kind of say no all the other times.

• 1:23:36Stavros Halkias?

  And also, you can just, you can invite her to not weird shit.

• 1:23:40Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:23:41Stavros Halkias?

  You, like the onus comes on you a little bit now where you're like, oh, I don't really, or I'm busy, why don't we fucking go get brunch tomorrow? Like just literally.

• 1:23:48Speaker 03

  Cool, can I bring my mom? Can I bring my mother-in-law?

• 1:23:51Stavros Halkias?

  I am fascinated by this dynamic. I would love to know more about it.

• 1:23:54Speaker 04

  Hang with the mom thing, I had no problem with, I thought that was pretty normal.

• 1:23:57Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, I know, of course not.

• 1:23:58Speaker 03

  Yeah, no shit.

• 1:23:59Speaker 04

  You and your mom do coke together? No, my mom, my, no, we've never done, we have never, we've never done coke before. She was, she's a million miles away from any sort of, even weed, I don't think she ever smoked weed.

• 1:24:09Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah.

• 1:24:09Speaker 04

  But the coke thing with your mom is fucking bizarre.

• 1:24:12Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah.

• 1:24:12Speaker 04

  That is bizarre shit.

• 1:24:13Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, but hang out with her every day, that's kind of your speed.

• 1:24:18Speaker 03

  Buy her a house and then moving back in with her for 40 days every holiday season.

• 1:24:22Stavros Halkias?

  Have her tuck you in.

• 1:24:24Speaker 03

  Yeah. From Christmas till Valentine, from Thanksgiving to Valentine's Day and.

• 1:24:29Speaker 04

  I was about to say, you don't know what it's like when your dad dies and you just start like.

• 1:24:34Speaker 03

  That is actually one of the few things I know.

• 1:24:36Stavros Halkias?

  He got your ass Mitch. Your weird mommy bullshit, he can fucking call you on it because his dad also died.

• 1:24:46Speaker 03

  The reason I'm so, I'm so easy, it's so easy for me to be mean to Mitch is because I just moved from self-deprecating to deprecating. What do I say to myself, whatever the opposite of affirmations are?

• 1:24:57Speaker 04

  This is a Fight Club scenario.

• 1:24:58Speaker 03

  The shit I say in the morning, I just say them to Mitch instead of my mirror.

• 1:25:02Speaker 04

  I guess I'm your Edward Nurt, Edward Norton. I'm your Edward Norton.

• 1:25:07Speaker 03

  Edward Norton.

• 1:25:12Stavros Halkias?

  Headward north on.

• 1:25:16Speaker 04

  That was our other fat idea, the zep bound for your, for fat Irish heads.

• 1:25:20Stavros Halkias?

  Oh, yeah, fat Irish heads. Cause you gotta shrink big Irish heads.

• 1:25:25Stavros Halkias?

  Your new nickname, they're calling you Guardian Cap, right?

• 1:25:32Stavros Halkias?

  Oh, fuck. So anyway, whatever, fucking invite this bitch to go for a walk or whatever. Next question, Aldous.

• 1:25:38Speaker 04

  It's weird. That's weird.

• 1:25:40Stavros Halkias?

  It's fucking weird.

• 1:25:41Speaker 07

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• 1:26:12Speaker 00

  This podcast is supported by Nurtac ODT, Remedy Pant. We know you didn't ask for an interruption, but migraine doesn't wait for the right moment to interrupt either. It just barges in, takes your time and throws everything off. So when migraine takes your time, take Nurtac. It's for the acute treatment of migraine with or without aura in adults. Nurtac can provide pain relief in two hours, which can last up to two days. Ask your healthcare provider if Nurtac is right for you because your time is for you, not migraine. Don't take if allergic to Nurtac ODT. Allergic reactions can occur even days after use. Get help right away for trouble breathing, rash, swelling of face, mouth, tongue, or throat. High blood pressure and Raynaud's syndrome can occur.

• 1:26:54Speaker 00

  Get help for high blood pressure, numbness, coolness, pain, or color changes in fingers and toes. Common side effect is nausea. For full prescribing information, call 1-833-4-NUR-TAC or visit Nurtac.com. All right, back to your podcast, playlist, or whatever's keeping you going today.

• 1:27:12Speaker 09

  Yo, what's up? I'm currently taking a shit in the bathroom at work.

• 1:27:16Stavros Halkias?

  Nice, dude.

• 1:27:17Speaker 09

  Just wanted to let you know you look like, uh, Mr. Lunt from Veggie Tales.

• 1:27:24Speaker 09

  But anyway, I got a.

• 1:27:26Stavros Halkias?

  Veggie Tales reference?

• 1:27:27Speaker 09

  That's kind of tearing the friend group apart. It's kind of funny. Uh, we were doing, uh, we were doing a bachelor party for one of my buddies. Uh, they're all floating in the lake up north and, uh,

• 1:27:42Speaker 09

  one of my friends asked, one of my other friends who's not very, um, athletic to throw him, uh, his three hundred dollar pair of sunglasses. So he, uh, throws them and he misses wide left. Sinks to the bottom of the lake.

• 1:28:01Stavros Halkias?

  Oh shit.

• 1:28:03Speaker 09

  And, um, so now, my friend whose sunglasses they were,

• 1:28:11Speaker 09

  um, is demanding that my other friend pays for his three hundred dollar pair of sunglasses.

• 1:28:17Stavros Halkias?

  Whack. Just wipe and wrap this story up bud.

• 1:28:19Speaker 09

  Yeah.

• 1:28:20Speaker 04

  Sounds like he's eating too.

• 1:28:23Speaker 09

  When the water's like, well, I'm on the hook.

• 1:28:27Stavros Halkias?

  This is it, right? There's nothing else. This guy is, yeah, we could, we, this is ridiculous.

• 1:28:32Speaker 04

  Imagine me the other person shitting in that bathroom just hearing this guy fucking drone on.

• 1:28:44Stavros Halkias?

  Playing a fucking didgeridoo.

• 1:28:51Speaker 03

  No ruse.

• 1:28:51Speaker 06

  Spoiler, spoiler alert, there was an F slur.

• 1:28:56Stavros Halkias?

  Thank you for allowing the call through, Aldous. A very simple, a very simple answer where the guy says a slur. I was like, yup, that'll do it. But excellent producing yet again.

• 1:29:11Speaker 04

  Perfect Christmas call.

• 1:29:16Speaker 03

  I'm telling you what this, uh, person should do.

• 1:29:21Speaker 03

  It's, I, I, if the guy who threw the glasses in the lake offers to buy him a new pair, he's, he can say yes. If you ask someone to throw you your glasses, you are the level of wealth, you are the level of wealth that you're saying, throw me my $300 glasses, I'm in the lake. And if that guy fucks up, that is on you, bro.

• 1:29:45Stavros Halkias?

  Hundred percent.

• 1:29:45Speaker 03

  You do not, you cannot ask that guy to pay.

• 1:29:47Stavros Halkias?

  The guy has no case whatsoever to ask for new glasses. It's completely on you to be like, and he was probably not even at the level of wealth. He's probably, if he's friends with this guy, he's probably fucking stupid.

• 1:29:57Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:29:57Stavros Halkias?

  So it's just like-

• 1:29:58Speaker 03

  One of those guys who has like a car lease that's like taking him down financially.

• 1:30:02Stavros Halkias?

  A hundred percent.

• 1:30:02Speaker 03

  And he has like a $350 polarized Oakley's-

• 1:30:05Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:30:06Speaker 03

  That he wears when he works in geek squad.

• 1:30:08Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah. It's your fault they didn't land on my face.

• 1:30:13Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, I mean, this is, this is one of the stupidest requests I could possibly think of.

• 1:30:17Speaker 04

  You were being careless with your expensive thing. It's on you. That's, it's over. And I don't even know how close they are as friends, but-

• 1:30:23Stavros Halkias?

  Totally.

• 1:30:23Speaker 04

  It seems like none of these guys are very close as friends.

• 1:30:26Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:30:27Speaker 03

  Imagine your life is so boring that your friend, one of your friends throws another friend's sunglasses in the lake and you're like, I finally have a reason to call Stavi. This is the craziest thing that's ever happened to me.

• 1:30:39Stavros Halkias?

  This is like, they're like, this has sparked a debate in their friend group. He's like, it's tearing the friend group apart. It's like, how are there even opposing sides to this? How fucking stupid are you guys?

• 1:30:50Speaker 04

  I'm, I'm nervous shit talking to this guy because I do feel like he's gonna go up to random Santas and be like, I heard you talking shit.

• 1:30:57Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, the guy at the fucking, uh, uh, uh, fuck, Salvation Army's gonna get cold cocked. Cause it was, you guys gave me the wrong advice, pop.

• 1:31:08Speaker 05

  I wonder if the sunglasses guy is like the rich guy who invites people to shit? Cause often rich guys are the ones who are that dickish about their expensive shit.

• 1:31:18Speaker 03

  Bro, my richest friends are the guys who are like, can I have $20 for the valet? And never remember. And my brokest friends are the ones who are like, I got this dinner.

• 1:31:26Speaker 05

  And so that might be why there is even any debate. Because everyone's like, I gotta hang, he has the boat, you know?

• 1:31:33Speaker 03

  He's got the lake house, right?

• 1:31:34Speaker 05

  Right, right.

• 1:31:35Speaker 04

  You know how many couches people have asked me to pay for? Cause I sit on them and they fold in half.

• 1:31:39Speaker 03

  Brother, straight up, I was gonna say, I broke Ben Rogers' couch one time.

• 1:31:44Stavros Halkias?

  I broke my friend Ben's couch.

• 1:31:46Speaker 03

  I'm a new one. I was like, I'll buy you a new one. He's like, we'll go to Ikea. And I went, we went to Ikea and I bought him like a $300 couch. We fucking moved it back into his house together. I was like, this is fucking embarrassing. Already so embarrassing. He's like, okay, yeah, I'll take you up on it. But I did offer. He didn't say I had to.

• 1:32:04Speaker 04

  Rogers never had to worry about weight. He's a guy who's never had to.

• 1:32:06Speaker 05

  Inviting any of us over is like signing a waiver for your couch. There's no, you don't get to.

• 1:32:12Speaker 03

  In for a penny, in for a half. In for a penny, in for 308 pounds. I'm in the best shape of my life. The last 10 years, I'm 308 pounds. I'd be too heavy to wrestle as a super heavyweight.

• 1:32:26Speaker 04

  I remember when, when we shot the Birthday Boys, uh, the, this sketch show that I did, because a lot of people have no idea what that means, but they got a World War.

• 1:32:33Stavros Halkias?

  Sounds like a different themed porno you were in. Instead of Santa's.

• 1:32:37Speaker 03

  This is the Christmas boys.

• 1:32:38Stavros Halkias?

  That guy's eating cake and fucking each other in the ass.

• 1:32:40Speaker 03

  With the little pointy hats, with the Santa hats.

• 1:32:44Stavros Halkias?

  Blow out the candle. He's talking about his dick.

• 1:32:48Speaker 03

  I guess I'm a lowercase i years old.

• 1:32:56Speaker 04

  It was a sketch show. Uh, they, they bought, they bought a, they bought, they had, they had, they were like, we have a vintage.

• 1:33:01Speaker 03

  It's known as like the top six funniest IFC sketch shows.

• 1:33:08Speaker 04

  Always on, slightly off. It was a vintage army cot. They were like, we got a vintage army cot for this army skit. And they were like, we just gotta return it, like be careful with it. And I laid it and it was like, right to the fucking ground. It sucked so bad. And she was like, oh, it's fine. You can tell that it was like awful news. It fucking sucked.

• 1:33:30Speaker 03

  When I hosted a game show on the, my first day there, I broke two different chairs and one of them was a barber chair.

• 1:33:37Speaker 03

  Like a huge fucking red base. I got on it just creaking. The thing just bent underneath it and I fucking tipped over. And the other chair I sat in at lunch and all four legs just splayed out. They all.

• 1:33:48Speaker 04

  We're bending steel.

• 1:33:50Stavros Halkias?

  That's a tough one. That's a real tough one, man.

• 1:33:52Speaker 03

  The sunglasses thing reminds me too. My buddy, Justin Tyler, a mutual friend of ours. He, uh, his, he, his mom has a lake house. We used to jump off this cliff and we would take bowl rips, hold it in, jump off the cliff, hit the water, come out and breathe it out. Like it was like this like challenge we would do.

• 1:34:12Stavros Halkias?

  Oh, yeah, brother.

• 1:34:13Speaker 03

  Yeah, it was so sick.

• 1:34:14Stavros Halkias?

  Legalize it, baby.

• 1:34:16Speaker 03

  I'm talking about this like it was, like it wasn't eight years ago or something. I wasn't 36 when I did it. I'm talking about it like I was a teenager. But the guy who went last would either have to jump with the lighter and the ball. And then my, this, Justin's brother went last. He's like, we're all in a boat waiting for him to jump off. And we're like, fuck it, throw it. He throws a lighter off like this 50 foot cliff and it goes directly into one guy's hand. And we were like, that's fucking awesome. Then he turns, throws the ball and misses us by like 70 feet. Goes immediately in the water and sinks. We're like, the lighter was something we could get again. And like we were always like, we were so cocky after the lighter. He's like, got it. The next one sailed over our heads. We were like, oh, fuck.

• 1:35:02Stavros Halkias?

  Fucking hilarious. But yeah, fuck your dumbass friend. That's crazy to pit ass for the glasses. He's a fucking idiot.

• 1:35:08Speaker 03

  He's like rolling calls on the toilet. He's like, hey, doughboy.

• 1:35:13Speaker 03

  Bringing, he's got all his saved contacts or all podcast calling numbers.

• 1:35:18Speaker 04

  Child Protective Services.

• 1:35:21Speaker 03

  I'm gonna see him this weekend, right?

• 1:35:25Speaker 03

  You kids are so tired of the fucking sunglass story.

• 1:35:33Stavros Halkias?

  What else you got for us, Eldis? You think you could possibly top that question?

• 1:35:38Speaker 11

  Hey, stop. Hey, Eldis. Hey, Gus. First time, long time. I'm seeking your professional counsel on something that's really bugging me. So, long story short, I have this bullshit corporate job where basically we work in teams of two on projects and do a bunch of like reports and PowerPoints and stuff like that. Like, it's kind of funny. It's kind of silly, but the problem is, I've been working with a coworker, of course, who, like, routinely is just, like, just not working for most half days. So like on Monday or Tuesday, they come in and then they'll just stop working around like 11 o'clock or like noon.

• 1:36:19Stavros Halkias?

  Respect.

• 1:36:20Speaker 11

  Which clearly I'm fine with, but that means on this project work, I'm not the one who has to do all of it. And like, I got a little curious about this, so I decided to do some investigating. And it turns out that this person is both a prolific erotic high fantasy novel author and a PhD student. So clearly they have other shit going on.

• 1:36:44Stavros Halkias?

  Right.

• 1:36:45Speaker 11

  My question for you is, what do I do about this? Typically, I'm all in favor of, uh, time theft at work, but not to the detriment of other people. And currently, I'm on the receiving end of it. I mean, should I ask them for tips as to like how to better steal time from our job? It's just like not really sustainable. I don't know what to do, man. Give me some help. Thanks.

• 1:37:15Stavros Halkias?

  Sounds like you're-

• 1:37:16Speaker 03

  Tough, because I'm immediately on the guy's side.

• 1:37:18Stavros Halkias?

  I'm on the other, I'm on the other person's side, absolutely.

• 1:37:20Speaker 03

  Going on and phoning in at this job. That's like what I do professionally.

• 1:37:24Stavros Halkias?

  You've learned, you, you care and that's your biggest mistake. You give a fuck about this stupid fucking job. He said it's a dumb corporate job, right?

• 1:37:32Speaker 03

  He said, yeah, it's silly and-

• 1:37:33Stavros Halkias?

  Pretty funny, pretty silly.

• 1:37:34Speaker 03

  Yeah, he said, pretty funny, pretty silly.

• 1:37:35Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, so like-

• 1:37:36Speaker 04

  Yeah, what the, does he work at IFC?

• 1:37:40Stavros Halkias?

  They're relaunching. Hey guys, I'm putting together the DVD of the Birthday Boys sketches. And this guy, we're trying to, we're trying to get Mitch to fit into square format instead of widescreen.

• 1:37:59Stavros Halkias?

  I mean, yeah, I don't, the thing is you, he's just got you by the balls. She, we don't know who your coworker is, but they have basically identified you as a bitch that they can take advantage of. And now you decide how you play that, because you can snitch, right? That's not gonna get you anywhere. Snitching never works. Or you could just be like, alright, well, why don't I just also not do anything and see what happens? Well, he said, should I ask him for tips? Yeah, team up with them to do even less together. Work together to find a way to not even do what you were doing.

• 1:38:33Speaker 03

  Yeah, I would say there's, I, that would be my move. But if you really care about this job, which is like a you problem, maybe you just reach out to them and go like, look, I'm not saying you gotta fucking strap in and go hard here. But if you did these two more things a week, it would save my ass. Just give them something actionable. Just say like, look, I know, I don't wanna fucking do work either. But if you did this, if you just did this extra X amount of things I need, my life would be much easier. Yeah, you could have a conversation. Yeah, and that's the only move. If you talk to a boss about it, that you're whack.

• 1:39:09Stavros Halkias?

  Oh, you're fucked. Also, you're fucked, because we've all, I'm guessing, I've 100% been this guy. And the thing is, you're not gonna beat him because, or her, because she'll lose, they'll lose the job. They don't give a fuck. Yeah, I had a full-time job and I would show up at 11 and leave at 2. Yeah.

• 1:39:24Speaker 03

  I did too at one point.

• 1:39:25Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, it's fucking awesome.

• 1:39:26Speaker 03

  I was a PA at Best Week Ever and everyone got promoted over me because I was such a piece of shit. Such a bad employee. Just watch everyone else who started after me just keep getting promoted. And I was like, I think it's time for me to quit.

• 1:39:41Speaker 04

  When I was in Simpsons, there was Eliza, I worked with this woman, Eliza Hooper. Great person and I was going out to do auditions and shit. And you would know when you were being a pain in the ass and you'd have an open conversation. And she would be like, you're being fucking annoying. You know what I mean? You need to have a better relationship with that person and tell them that they're being annoying.

• 1:39:57Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, I think that's the best you can hope for because also for them, that might even clarify it further. If I knew my coworkers would get off my dick if I did a couple of things, I would just do those fast.

• 1:40:09Speaker 03

  Right, that's what I'm saying. Like it wouldn't be a huge ask because slackers would love to hear like, hey, if you do these two things every week, I'll never bother you again.

• 1:40:17Speaker 04

  By the way, their response is gonna be like, yeah, fuck, I know. Like they're not gonna, they're not gonna push back. They're gonna know that they're fucking up. It's a hundred percent like, also, by the way, I'm pissed off Santa. They never give you pockets in Santa pants. Did you notice that? It's fucking annoying.

• 1:40:32Speaker 03

  He has the magic bag.

• 1:40:33Speaker 04

  I know, but for a fat guy with a phone or something or anything, you don't have the.

• 1:40:37Speaker 03

  So you can't put your hand in your pocket while you have a kid on your lap.

• 1:40:40Stavros Halkias?

  It's a bad look. That's true. That's a real bad look.

• 1:40:43Speaker 03

  You can Napoleon yourself a little bit.

• 1:40:48Speaker 03

  We gotta go rodeo grip.

• 1:40:51Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, dude, you know, whatever. Unfortunately, this, this person has all the leverage here. Cause you care about the job.

• 1:40:59Speaker 03

  They work at the Mayo Clinic as neurologists.

• 1:41:04Speaker 04

  It's pretty silly.

• 1:41:07Speaker 04

  Seeing people be crazy, I guess.

• 1:41:09Stavros Halkias?

  We have to work in pairs because I'm the anesthesiologist.

• 1:41:13Stavros Halkias?

  They're doing the surgery.

• 1:41:16Speaker 03

  He really just phones in the anesthesia. Anesthesia?

• 1:41:20Stavros Halkias?

  Just punches him in the fucking head. That ought to do it.

• 1:41:25Speaker 03

  He's waking back up.

• 1:41:27Stavros Halkias?

  He's got a big mallet.

• 1:41:31Speaker 03

  I had that happen to me in a dream. You know how in like, I watch so many action movies, you see, like, they always just knock the guy out with like one, like, one butt of the gun, or like one chokehold, takes him out, and then they're out for narratively as long as they need to be.

• 1:41:43Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:41:43Speaker 03

  I had a dream that I couldn't, I was supposed to knock this guy out on a mission, and he like wouldn't, and he was like on the ground, and I'm on top of him, and I'm like punching him in the face, and he's like, "Stop!" And I'm like, "Just get knocked out!" And it's like so sad, and I'm like upset in the dream, that I'm just hitting this guy in the face and the head, and he's like, "What are you doing?" And I'm like, "I need to knock you out!" They're like...

• 1:42:05Speaker 04

  I think that could only be labeled as bully's remorse.

• 1:42:08Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:42:09Speaker 04

  There's no other way.

• 1:42:10Speaker 03

  It is like a bully's nightmare, yeah.

• 1:42:12Stavros Halkias?

  Mitch had the same dream in reverse.

• 1:42:15Speaker 03

  Stop hitting me! Cardinal law, let go of me!

• 1:42:22Speaker 04

  I'm entering the dream world again. It's been a while, because of the CPAP machine.

• 1:42:25Stavros Halkias?

  You're dreaming.

• 1:42:26Speaker 04

  My dream, my, like, the part of my dream brain is like, it hasn't done anything for a long time.

• 1:42:30Speaker 03

  Yeah, I killed that with cannabis. I gotta, I gotta get that back, yeah. I gotta try, I gotta try taking a day off weed for a lot of reasons.

• 1:42:36Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:42:37Speaker 03

  Requested by my doctor and lawyer.

• 1:42:41Stavros Halkias?

  Doctor, lawyer, parole officer.

• 1:42:43Speaker 03

  I took one week off and didn't eat a fourth meal four days in a row. It was the best I've ever felt. And I'm like, "Well, I didn't want to know that weed was hurting me, so I'm gonna just smoke until I forget that."

• 1:42:53Stavros Halkias?

  Literally, two days ago, I was like, "I can smoke a little weed." Destroyed all progress. And all I had was healthy shit, so I had like three, I like cut up protein bars with like cereal and like made a fat meal out of, and I didn't have peanut butter, so I had like PB powder, and I, I rehydrated it to make a shitty peanut butter. So I had like a spread, it was just like fat MacGyver shit, you know?

• 1:43:17Speaker 03

  Dude, I put sunflower seed butter on a Yasso yogurt bar. I was like, "I figured it out!" It's like, it's the best I could do with the healthy shit in my cabinets.

• 1:43:26Stavros Halkias?

  When you take low cal, like, I'll take low calorie ice cream and just put so much shit in it, it's just Ben and Jerry's. It's just shitty Ben and Jerry's.

• 1:43:34Speaker 03

  I did like, like the fake ice cream with mashed in like protein cookies. Like you're just like all the dumb shit you have in your cabinet. Eating fucking just chemicals.

• 1:43:42Speaker 04

  I went to Mamba's too today, had a chicken cutlet sub, a square slice. And then I went to Lindistry and I got a slice of cheese pizza. And then I went and got a cannoli at Rocco's.

• 1:43:50Speaker 03

  God damn, boy.

• 1:43:51Speaker 04

  And then we're going to have a steak dinner.

• 1:43:52Speaker 03

  That's insane.

• 1:43:53Speaker 04

  I know, I'm fucking disgusting.

• 1:43:54Speaker 03

  And you also found time to get ham flavored potato chips.

• 1:43:56Speaker 04

  That is also true. Ham flavored and ketchup flavored potato chips.

• 1:43:59Speaker 03

  Those are pretty good. And you did all this with insane gout, I can see. Rock hard crystal feet.

• 1:44:06Speaker 04

  I'm gonna, I'm gonna just wear these things for shoes now.

• 1:44:10Speaker 03

  Your feet also jingle like Eldis is when it's crystals clanging together.

• 1:44:16Speaker 03

  It's your fucking smashed up ankle bones.

• 1:44:20Speaker 03

  Eldis, you got something fun for us to go out on, little buddy?

• 1:44:23Speaker 06

  Yeah, uh, we got an update. Remember from the Dan Soder and Vecchione episode? The woman who called in, she brought her best friend to her boyfriend's like big family reunion.

• 1:44:34Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 1:44:34Speaker 06

  And.

• 1:44:35Speaker 03

  And she fucked.

• 1:44:35Speaker 06

  Her best friend like fucked some guy, made a bunch of people like watch her baby while she like went off.

• 1:44:41Speaker 03

  When she was getting dick.

• 1:44:42Speaker 06

  And also like just got in a fight with people at this thing.

• 1:44:45Speaker 03

  Yes, yes, yes. So, yeah, Cliff notes, uh, our caller brought her friend to a family reunion for some reason. Fucked some guy's boyfriend and like was a terror. I mean, it's hilarious. Caller did the fucking? No, no, the caller's friend. She basically brought a plus one, uh, the plus one, it was like a complete nightmare, so. And what did Macho Man and Andre the Giant say in response? Was that a Dan Soder episode?

• 1:45:11Speaker 03

  Take that, Soder.

• 1:45:17Speaker 12

  Hi, Stav, hi, Eldis. Also Eldis, sorry for all the voicemails. Um, I just saw the episode of Stavi and Dan and.

• 1:45:29Speaker 12

  I'm not sure the other guy's name, I'm sorry.

• 1:45:31Stavros Halkias?

  Okay.

• 1:45:31Speaker 12

  But I was the bit that brought her shitty friend to a quote unquote family reunion where she got plastered and cheated on her fiance. And I just wanted to do a couple clarifying notes because I'm getting absolutely dogged in the comments. Okay, firstly, it wasn't a hundred percent a family reunion. It was more of just like a way of their family and friends and really anyone that wants to come and party and eat food to get together for a weekend and do that and have fun and get plastered.

• 1:46:05Stavros Halkias?

  Pause this.

• 1:46:06Speaker 03

  That's what she's getting dogged on?

• 1:46:08Stavros Halkias?

  So they didn't have like matching T-shirts? Like their family rented a cabin and it was just, it's kind of almost weirder to not be a family reunion because then it's just like, kind of back to that chick who hangs out with the like, like old lady at the pool. It's kind of like, yeah, fucking, my aunts and uncles are gonna get fucked up in a field, bring some pussy.

• 1:46:30Speaker 03

  Bring some young trim from.

• 1:46:34Stavros Halkias?

  But anyway, okay, it's not technically a family reunion.

• 1:46:37Speaker 03

  I love she's like, I'm getting dogged in the comments, let me clear up some stuff. And that's the big clear up is like the logistics of the party invite.

• 1:46:45Stavros Halkias?

  So, okay, fine, it's not a family, her family had a big ass, your family had a big ass party, fine, sorry, go ahead.

• 1:46:51Speaker 12

  Secondly, her fiance and her were having a really hard time and while I'm not justifying her actions by saying that, I think what she did was her way of getting back at her fiance, which is gross because they literally have a full ass kid together.

• 1:47:11Stavros Halkias?

  Well, ask you.

• 1:47:12Speaker 12

  But I digress. While I don't like that she did embarrass me and my boyfriend at this get together, I can't just immediately drop her Stavi and everyone in the comments that are telling me to do so, I can't do that because one, her daughter sees me as an aunt and I love that little kid so much and it'd kill me not to see her.

• 1:47:36Stavros Halkias?

  That's fair, that's a great point.

• 1:47:37Speaker 12

  Secondly, we live five minutes down the road from each other, so logistically just wouldn't work.

• 1:47:43Stavros Halkias?

  You're losing me again.

• 1:47:44Speaker 12

  Firstly, I really don't want to because I've known this bitch my entire childhood and adulthood, she's been with me and I love her and I really just don't want to drop her because she made one really shitty decision.

• 1:47:58Stavros Halkias?

  Is it one though?

• 1:47:59Speaker 12

  Um, and the

• 1:48:01Speaker 12

  the reason that her being invited next year was even a question was because his family really liked my best friend's daughter. And so did all the other little kids and they wanted her to come back.

• 1:48:15Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, that's why.

• 1:48:16Speaker 03

  I bet the chick who's loose as fuck, because we love her kid.

• 1:48:20Stavros Halkias?

  I bet the guy who got head in a porta potty isn't fucking putting up too many, uh, protest stations then either.

• 1:48:26Speaker 03

  Yeah. No, don't invite her back. She fucks people when she just meets them at the party. You can't have someone like that making everyone's time better.

• 1:48:35Speaker 12

  Question. And then lastly, just because I'm not immediately ditching my best friend of 12 years, doesn't mean I'm going to get drunk and cheat on my boyfriend. I know right from wrong.

• 1:48:48Stavros Halkias?

  Did we accuse her of that, I guess?

• 1:48:49Speaker 12

  I'm just not gonna.

• 1:48:50Speaker 06

  They probably did in the comments.

• 1:48:51Stavros Halkias?

  The comments. Okay, okay.

• 1:48:53Speaker 12

  Drop a bitch immediately for making a super shitty decision.

• 1:48:59Stavros Halkias?

  Okay, she sounds really defeated.

• 1:49:01Speaker 12

  Her and her fiance are still together, so.

• 1:49:04Speaker 03

  Yeah, until there's enough fucking clues for him to watch this.

• 1:49:09Stavros Halkias?

  Okay, so you sound pretty fu- listen, you don't gotta explain to me being annoyed by internet commenters. I know.

• 1:49:16Speaker 03

  You don't gotta explain that or having a scumbag friend that you're still friends with. I'm in comedy for Christ's sake. I'm that friend for five other people.

• 1:49:26Stavros Halkias?

  Hey, why don't you check out the performers list at the Riyadh Comedy.

• 1:49:32Stavros Halkias?

  I had some close personal friends that were making yucks for the fucking royal family.

• 1:49:37Speaker 03

  Which it was essentially a family reunion.

• 1:49:40Stavros Halkias?

  Some of my friends, you know.

• 1:49:42Speaker 03

  Yeah, I have some friends making more money than my parents ever made.

• 1:49:49Stavros Halkias?

  And yes, just literally being in comedy, I am friends with people who are monsters, but they're fucking hilarious. And I gotta say, sometimes that's enough for me. So, um, we get it. We totally, and look, sorry you got cooked in the comments. I don't remember what we said. That was a while ago. It's Christmas after all.

• 1:50:06Speaker 03

  Yeah, but if you don't want to get cooked in the comments of a podcast, you could not call in. Like the second you open, you're open, that Pandora's box is a two-way door. You know what I mean? Like you, I don't, that's like three puns.

• 1:50:18Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, I don't think it's true at all. Yeah. Pandora's box is really a one-way thing.

• 1:50:24Speaker 03

  You gotta go into the box, baby.

• 1:50:26Stavros Halkias?

  I don't think you go into the box at all.

• 1:50:28Speaker 05

  It's like a Ghostbusters crap.

• 1:50:33Stavros Halkias?

  But I think that's fair. I look, I don't remember exactly what we told you. I'll be honest with you. And we probably just were having a good, once Dan's in there, you know, we get to riff and we probably tore you into shreds and you didn't deserve it. It is weird though, that your friend, you know, fucked some guy at the family, even if it's not a reunion, at the family party, who she's a plus one.

• 1:50:53Speaker 06

  Yeah. Fucking a guy and fighting and making people watch your kids while you disappear for a long time.

• 1:50:59Speaker 03

  Well, fucking a guy at something that your kid is also at and like, like there is like, that's wild.

• 1:51:05Speaker 05

  That's a lot.

• 1:51:05Speaker 03

  That's a wild move.

• 1:51:07Stavros Halkias?

  It's a bit of a wild move and, but I get what you're saying. Like, like we said, we have friends who are pieces of shit that are still in our lives. And we're not even saying your friend's a total piece of shit. It's probably stressful to have a kid, especially in a bad, weird relationship.

• 1:51:20Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:51:20Stavros Halkias?

  And she's probably letting off a little steam, you know?

• 1:51:23Speaker 03

  Also, it sounds like you're not that mad about it anymore. The comment, the comments aren't like a change.org position, petition where you have to do what they say.

• 1:51:33Stavros Halkias?

  Right, right, right, right, right. You can just kind of ignore them and hang out with your friends.

• 1:51:37Speaker 03

  I trust you, I trust you, who I think is a crazy person because you called into a podcast.

• 1:51:41Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, right, right.

• 1:51:42Speaker 03

  So that's like already labels you. I trust you more than someone who comments on a podcast video.

• 1:51:47Stavros Halkias?

  A hundred percent.

• 1:51:47Speaker 03

  They're even crazier than the people who call in.

• 1:51:49Stavros Halkias?

  A hundred percent. And so I would say just like, you know, chill, it's no big deal. Uh, you know, yeah, she fucked up. Now, would I maybe chill on the invite next year?

• 1:52:00Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:52:00Stavros Halkias?

  Especially like, imagine, imagine her fiance do put it all on, you know, I guess he cheated on her or she cheated on him. Let's say it's even. You think he wants her attending the place she fucked some guy?

• 1:52:11Speaker 05

  Yeah, no.

• 1:52:12Stavros Halkias?

  Your friend's kid can make friends elsewhere.

• 1:52:14Speaker 03

  Also, you know what I mean?

• 1:52:15Speaker 04

  Or leave the kid at home and fuck the person there. That's fine, too.

• 1:52:19Stavros Halkias?

  Or just the kid or your friend goes.

• 1:52:21Speaker 03

  Yeah, you go with the kid. She, you get to watch her for a couple of days.

• 1:52:25Stavros Halkias?

  How far apart are these parties? Because at some point, a fiance should be a husband.

• 1:52:31Stavros Halkias?

  But it does sound like they're rushing if they already have a kid. It's like, what are you rushing for?

• 1:52:34Speaker 03

  Just health insurance?

• 1:52:35Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah. I got a, I got a hunch that their jobs don't include health insurance.

• 1:52:44Speaker 03

  Wait, did you say head in a porta potty? Was that the actual specific?

• 1:52:47Stavros Halkias?

  No, no, that's just, you know, a little flourish.

• 1:52:49Speaker 03

  That's my fucking dream.

• 1:52:50Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:52:51Speaker 03

  Finally blowing a guy in a porta potty.

• 1:52:55Speaker 03

  Oh, I didn't even think I could be the guy getting my dick sucked.

• 1:53:00Stavros Halkias?

  Something about that smell makes my mouth water.

• 1:53:03Speaker 03

  Like, there's a cop's gun.

• 1:53:09Stavros Halkias?

  Fuck. I think that's gonna do it for us. Wow. Oh, shit, our sleigh is here, isn't it, Eldis? Oh, uh, wrong button, dickhead.

• 1:53:22Stavros Halkias?

  Whatever, fuck you. Well, happy, Merry Christmas, everyone.

• 1:53:26Speaker 03

  Slay King.

• 1:53:27Stavros Halkias?

  Fellas, thank you so much for coming. Anything you guys want to plug? It's Christmas after all.

• 1:53:33Speaker 04

  We're gonna have to put down so many reindeer. Sorry, boys.

• 1:53:37Stavros Halkias?

  After every, yeah.

• 1:53:40Speaker 03

  We're making a huge batch of reindeer tacos.

• 1:53:42Stavros Halkias?

  That's true.

• 1:53:44Speaker 03

  It's reindeer.

• 1:53:44Stavros Halkias?

  Protein, I learned this recipe from Rogan.

• 1:53:51Stavros Halkias?

  Check out the fellows, they're the best. Thank you, thank you for watching Stavros, the Stavros World Christmas special. Oops, all Santas. And we will catch you, have a wonderful 2020. Well, next time we talk to you, it'll be 2026, folks. Look at that. Or actually, no, I think there's one more episode.

• 1:54:07Speaker 03

  Whatever. There's Greek Christmas special.

• 1:54:11Stavros Halkias?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, that would be, I should get three fat Greek guys.

• 1:54:15Speaker 03

  That's just you and Nia Vardelos.

• 1:54:18Stavros Halkias?

  Vardalos is a fucking dream guest. We still were, I literally DM'd her to come to, when, when Let's Start a Cult, when I was doing like a premiere of my movie in LA, I just cold DM'd her, I was like, "Come on out," and she's like, "I would, but I'm fucking," you know, she was busy or something, but, "My Big Fat Greek Wedding, a masterpiece." And on that note, enjoy your Christmas, everyone.

• 1:54:37Speaker 03

  Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.

• 1:54:40Stavros Halkias?

  Absolutely.

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