Airtight Poker Night w/ Steph Tolev | Your Mom's House Ep. 869

Christina P is back touring! Check her out in Chicago September 18th and 19th. Get your tickets at https://christinap.com/pages/tour-dates SPONSORS: For simple, online access to personalized and affordable care for Hair Loss, Weight Loss, and more, visit https://hims.com/YMH That's https://hims.com/YMH for your free online visit. Head to https://factormeals.com/ymh50off and use code ymh50off to get 50 percent off and free daily greens per box, with new subscription only, while supplies last until 09/27/2026. (See website for more details). Try QUO for free PLUS get 20% off your first 6 months when you go to https://quo.com/YMH. Sup, chomos! This week, Tom Segura holds down the Mommy Dome with Steph Tolev, host of Steph Infection, produced right here at YMH Studios, and the proud owner of a brand new American citizenship. They open with a man being lowered off a New York City bus screaming "fuck your family," which spirals into roid-rage belchers on airplanes and a "NOT GUILTY!" TikTok attorney whose very satisfied client was charged with luring a minor into his vehicle. Then a listener letter from a self-described 30-year slut recounts the guys' card night that went airtight, and Tom and Steph break down the hygiene logistics nobody at that poker table considered. From there, Tom explains how a chance run-in with his old helicopter instructor ended his flying lessons for good, and Steph talks about her white fuzzy dog, and her daily walking schedule. Along the way they get into Pastor Manning's problem with blacks, a Thailand massage confession, plus Tom and Steph's combined résumé of ugly castings: Steph booking Skittles' "Ugly Princess," not fitting into the Spanx at a Bud Light fitting, and Tom's thumbs landing a Sony commercial. Plus: a homeless man shoots his shot, a man with a solid wall of 45 identical teeth, Steph's fiancé Jefferson shits the couch, the Tickle Monster nearly gets an old man killed, and Bulgaria fails to qualify for the World Cup. Enjoy! Your Mom’s House Ep. 869 https://tomsegura.com/tourhttps://christinap.com/https://store.ymhstudios.comhttps://www.reddit.com/r/yourmomshousepodcast Chapters 00:00:00 - Intro 00:01:00 - 2 Bears 5K, Blowjob Knees, & Big Noses 00:09:25 - Opening Clip: Disabled Traffic Jam 00:13:16 - Not Guilty! The Pervert's Attorney 00:18:39 - Airtight Poker Night 00:23:37 - Helicopter Crashes 00:32:14 - Pastor Manning 00:37:04 - Spa & Casting Stories 00:45:58 - Kinky Unc 00:50:21 - Great Wall Of Teeth 00:53:26 - Elevator Fart Prank 00:55:54 - Sabertooth Singles & Monster Mouth 01:00:49 - Public Pranks 01:07:39 - Closing Song - "Planes Trains and Dad Boners" by Jayzeus Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:01Speaker 00

  Welcome, welcome to Your Mom's House.

• 0:11Tom Segura?

  Welcome to another episode of Your Mom's House. With me today is one of my favorite comics working today. You can see her podcast, Steph Infection, produced right here at YMA Studios on Steph's YouTube channel. Check her out on tour. Go to punchup.live/stephtolov. It's Steph Tolev, everybody.

• 0:30Speaker 02

  What if it was somebody else after saying all of that?

• 0:33Tom Segura?

  Marie Myers.

• 0:35Speaker 02

  I could pass as a Marie.

• 0:36Tom Segura?

  You could pass as a Marie.

• 0:37Speaker 02

  It's the dark hair.

• 0:38Tom Segura?

  Yeah, Bulgarian?

• 0:39Speaker 02

  Yes, remember, um, did you ever play Guess Who? The only one with like dark hair was Marie.

• 0:43Tom Segura?

  Was it?

• 0:44Speaker 02

  Yeah, there's five women I remember.

• 0:45Tom Segura?

  What is up with Bulgarian Olympic lifters? Why is it always a thing? It's always been a thing.

• 0:50Speaker 02

  They're jacked, huh?

• 0:51Tom Segura?

  Yeah, dude.

• 0:52Speaker 02

  We got strong legs.

• 0:53Tom Segura?

  Yeah, they've always been competitors, man.

• 0:56Speaker 02

  Oh, you know what? It's a Bulgarian thing being competitor.

• 0:59Tom Segura?

  Really?

• 1:00Speaker 02

  I mean, it must be because the way in which-

• 1:02Tom Segura?

  Your upbringing, was it very competitive?

• 1:03Speaker 02

  Yes, well, I highly, my, I told you last time, I competitively highly danced my whole life.

• 1:07Tom Segura?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:07Speaker 02

  Which is not Bulgarian at all. But the way in which I had to beat everybody in your Two Bears 5K, that was not normal and that wasn't-

• 1:14Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:14Speaker 02

  I was sprinting.

• 1:16Tom Segura?

  How fast did you run that in?

• 1:17Speaker 02

  I don't know why I felt so sick after. I almost threw up.

• 1:21Tom Segura?

  I wanted to die.

• 1:23Speaker 02

  You did it 300 times for no fucking reason.

• 1:25Tom Segura?

  No, I did it twice, but the second one-

• 1:26Speaker 02

  It's enough.

• 1:27Tom Segura?

  Was worthless. As soon as I got into like, I was a quarter of the way through it. I was like, I shouldn't be doing this.

• 1:34Speaker 02

  Well, it made no sense. You already did one.

• 1:37Tom Segura?

  I know, but it was like then, that's when all you guys showed up.

• 1:40Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:40Tom Segura?

  And then everyone else was doing it. So I was like, I can't fucking not do it. I hated it.

• 1:45Speaker 02

  Everyone stayed with you guys because you guys kind of ran back. And like, I think some people were trying to be cool and run with you guys.

• 1:49Tom Segura?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:50Speaker 02

  But my competitive psychoness was like, suck my dick, Burton fucking Tom. And I was like, and then I was trying to be, my goal was to be the first comedian to get through.

• 1:58Tom Segura?

  Did you?

• 1:59Speaker 02

  No, fucking Zelnick, that fucking prick.

• 2:02Tom Segura?

  He-

• 2:02Speaker 02

  He's, he's like, he's thin and he ran faster.

• 2:06Tom Segura?

  They're so gay, all the thin runners.

• 2:07Speaker 02

  God damn, I hate thin, and he had abs, he's wearing no shirt. Suck my dick when he has abs. Get a grip.

• 2:12Tom Segura?

  I know.

• 2:12Speaker 02

  I know, whatever, he did well, he ran fast.

• 2:14Tom Segura?

  Imagine, imagine running shirtless. I can't even-

• 2:18Speaker 02

  Even wearing like, just you know, girls wear a bra to the gym?

• 2:21Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 2:21Speaker 02

  No. This is what I wear to the gym.

• 2:23Tom Segura?

  Is that?

• 2:24Speaker 02

  Or like, or like a oversized slayer t-shirt.

• 2:26Tom Segura?

  You don't wear any jumpsuits to the gym?

• 2:27Speaker 02

  Can you imagine? Sweating. I can't get it off. I'm having some shitting water.

• 2:30Tom Segura?

  That'd be so hot, dude.

• 2:31Speaker 02

  I would fucking melt.

• 2:32Tom Segura?

  Oh my god. Do you go intense in the gym? Are you intense?

• 2:36Speaker 02

  I know my fiance.

• 2:39Tom Segura?

  Congratulations. He's handsome.

• 2:40Speaker 02

  He's so hot.

• 2:41Tom Segura?

  Charismatic. I know.

• 2:42Speaker 02

  He's so hot and I have to remind people that, like, to all the ugly women out there.

• 2:47Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 2:47Speaker 02

  Some men like personality. So you have to find them.

• 2:50Tom Segura?

  Yes.

• 2:50Speaker 02

  It takes you a long fucking time. And you suck a lot of dick. I suck his dick a lot.

• 2:55Tom Segura?

  Oh, you do?

• 2:56Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 2:56Tom Segura?

  That's really nice.

• 2:57Speaker 02

  I have to keep him around somehow.

• 2:59Tom Segura?

  That makes him happy.

• 3:00Speaker 02

  The personality can only go so far.

• 3:01Tom Segura?

  Do you surprise him with it?

• 3:03Speaker 02

  No. Well, sometimes.

• 3:05Tom Segura?

  Sometimes.

• 3:05Speaker 02

  But then the other day I like bent down to do it. I like crouched and both my knees buckled and I was like, oh god, this can't be attractive. Hearing like clacking like.

• 3:13Tom Segura?

  Was it like crack of just aging knees?

• 3:16Speaker 02

  I couldn't get up. He had to bring me back up. I was like.

• 3:19Tom Segura?

  Good job. Get up.

• 3:22Speaker 02

  Pathetic.

• 3:23Tom Segura?

  That's beautiful.

• 3:23Speaker 02

  It's beautiful. Yeah. Yeah. That's what you have to do when you have, um, when you have a big nose and a big personality.

• 3:28Tom Segura?

  You have a big.

• 3:28Speaker 02

  You're really.

• 3:29Tom Segura?

  You're really good at that.

• 3:30Speaker 02

  Yeah. I thought you were gonna say you do have a big nose. I'm gonna be like, yeah, I know, Tom.

• 3:34Tom Segura?

  No. No. I love your nose.

• 3:36Speaker 02

  Add on to it. I was like, okay, whoa.

• 3:37Tom Segura?

  You know what my nose is doing is it's drooping.

• 3:39Speaker 02

  No, the tip?

• 3:40Tom Segura?

  Yeah. When I, in like 20 years, I'll look like this.

• 3:45Speaker 02

  Okay. You look at Brody Stevens.

• 3:47Tom Segura?

  It'll be like, yeah, it'll have.

• 3:48Speaker 02

  So you look like.

• 3:49Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 3:49Speaker 02

  I don't want that. If that happens, I'm getting a nose lift.

• 3:52Tom Segura?

  Oh, well, you don't do a nose lift?

• 3:54Speaker 02

  If, if I look like that, no, I don't want that. That, no, that, okay, why would they bring up that guy?

• 4:00Tom Segura?

  Cause people fucking say.

• 4:02Speaker 02

  That's the most insane thing. That, wow.

• 4:06Tom Segura?

  They say I look like him.

• 4:07Speaker 02

  Who does?

• 4:08Tom Segura?

  Most people comment that I look like him.

• 4:10Speaker 02

  Most people say that man.

• 4:12Tom Segura?

  They say you guys have the same nose. They say I have the same nose as him.

• 4:14Speaker 02

  No, you're fucking lying. That's.

• 4:16Tom Segura?

  I swear to you.

• 4:17Speaker 02

  Then call one of the people up right now. They need to go eye surgery. That makes no sense.

• 4:21Tom Segura?

  Do you think I have the same nose as this guy?

• 4:22Speaker 02

  No. What are you talking about?

• 4:24Tom Segura?

  Rest in peace, Johnny. He was a fantastic actor.

• 4:26Speaker 02

  That's, no one's ever said that. That's.

• 4:28Tom Segura?

  They say that's my black twin. Yeah.

• 4:30Speaker 02

  I don't believe anything you're saying right now.

• 4:32Tom Segura?

  That's why they're laughing in there. It's true. It's true.

• 4:34Speaker 02

  That's crazy.

• 4:35Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 4:35Speaker 02

  People say anything.

• 4:38Speaker 02

  That mean, that's like, it's not even close.

• 4:40Speaker 00

  Christina was the one that called it out originally.

• 4:41Tom Segura?

  Yeah, she said I had the same nose as him. I know.

• 4:44Speaker 02

  Your wife needs to go to the optometrist tomorrow.

• 4:47Tom Segura?

  I would, I would love to drop her off. Yeah.

• 4:50Speaker 02

  That's what she thinks.

• 4:51Tom Segura?

  Yeah, that'd be a great idea, man.

• 4:53Speaker 02

  God. If I get like, what's the guy's name with the huge nose? Brody, what's his name? Brody, he's in all his big movies. He's in the Pierre movie.

• 5:02Tom Segura?

  Adrian Brody.

• 5:02Speaker 02

  Adrian Brody. Pull him up. That's my probably nose twin and it's so offensive that I'm even saying this. I'm gonna see it and be like so pissed that I said that. Fuck me. God damn it. Yeah, it is. God fucking. But look how hard he looks from the front. See from the front.

• 5:16Tom Segura?

  Do you know that I just learned about this?

• 5:18Speaker 02

  I can't turn for us.

• 5:18Tom Segura?

  Bro, this is a totally, this is a totally different thing about head on the way we look like human beings. And profile, and if in profile, it can completely change people's level of attractiveness.

• 5:35Speaker 02

  Yeah. Trust me on days.

• 5:37Tom Segura?

  No, I mean, dude, chins, jaw.

• 5:40Speaker 02

  Double chin.

• 5:40Tom Segura?

  Well, not just that, somebody who has a weak, like a real weak chin, you see from the side and they're like, huh.

• 5:45Speaker 02

  I know.

• 5:46Tom Segura?

  You're like, oh, okay. You see it. Yeah. I won't even say names, but yes.

• 5:51Speaker 02

  Let's say names. Would you rather a big nose or weak chin? I think I'd keep the nose.

• 5:55Tom Segura?

  I'd keep the nose.

• 5:56Speaker 02

  Yeah, cuz chin, you can't make a chin. You can put a chin in.

• 5:58Tom Segura?

  You can put a chin in. I know someone who put a chin in. I know somebody that put calves in.

• 6:02Speaker 02

  That's so funny.

• 6:04Tom Segura?

  That's so funny.

• 6:05Speaker 02

  Putting in calves is a level of, like, I'm self-conscious with my nose. I would never like, no, I'm not doing anything about it, but I'm saying like, getting calves? Who's looking, a man?

• 6:15Tom Segura?

  Of course, yeah.

• 6:16Speaker 02

  Who's ever looked at his calves that much and was like, buddy, you gotta?

• 6:19Tom Segura?

  That's the thing is that when, whenever you hear about somebody doing something like that, getting something like that, you realize how it really is about what's going on in yourself. Cuz there's no one, maybe somebody one time saw him and was like.

• 6:32Speaker 02

  As a joke.

• 6:33Tom Segura?

  Yeah, your cat, but no one's.

• 6:34Speaker 02

  Tiny calves, man.

• 6:35Tom Segura?

  Walking around thinking about your calves.

• 6:38Speaker 02

  How big did he get? Like, obviously big?

• 6:40Tom Segura?

  I think, no, no, not like, not like Jesus. You look like a bodybuilder. Just.

• 6:44Speaker 02

  I would do, if I'm getting calves.

• 6:46Tom Segura?

  He just had.

• 6:46Speaker 02

  I'm getting. Ease playing back there.

• 6:48Tom Segura?

  But I was thinking about, can you imagine when that like, something goes wrong with it? And then someone's like, what's going on? Your calf is drooping right now, you know?

• 6:56Speaker 02

  Yeah, it's all fucking saggy.

• 6:58Tom Segura?

  And they have to cut you open and take your calf implant out.

• 7:00Speaker 02

  You're something fucked. I just saw this on TikTok. This girl, she kept her saline tits, they cut them out. And they keep them for five years in case, whatever. Fucking mold.

• 7:10Tom Segura?

  Oh.

• 7:11Speaker 02

  Mold was building up in both the saline. So if you're gonna get your tits done, get whatever the other thing is.

• 7:16Tom Segura?

  Get the other tit thing done.

• 7:18Speaker 02

  Get air.

• 7:19Tom Segura?

  This guy though, you have to give him credit. He, he's always been known for the big schnoz. And he mastered his craft and now it's part of like, I saw an image of him. I wonder if you could Google it? Like what he would look like with, no, like with a, like a nose job. And it, it completely changes his look. But then you realize you'd be like, oh, that's not.

• 7:42Speaker 02

  Him anymore.

• 7:44Tom Segura?

  It would look just so.

• 7:46Speaker 02

  Oh shit.

• 7:47Tom Segura?

  You know what I mean?

• 7:48Speaker 02

  Ew, that's so creepy.

• 7:51Tom Segura?

  So weird, right?

• 7:52Speaker 02

  Anytime AI does a photo of me, they make my nose bigger. I'm like, get a grip. It's so far. I'm like, really?

• 7:58Tom Segura?

  It's bigger?

• 7:59Speaker 02

  It's bigger. And that's how he tells an AI photo. It's like three times the size. I'm like, why was it? They focus on one thing with those AI generators and they're like, huh? No, I don't like, no, I would never. I'm never. I feel like I get roles because of this too.

• 8:11Tom Segura?

  Yeah, of course. We all get it because of our appearances.

• 8:13Speaker 02

  What the hell?

• 8:14Tom Segura?

  Totally. I just got a really cool offer. They're like, you're the fucking friend, you know, kind of a piece of shit. Like loser who wants to be, and you're like.

• 8:23Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's, every role I get is ghoul under the bridge. I go, got it.

• 8:28Tom Segura?

  Guys like really, like no one likes him. But you know what I mean? Like we thought of you.

• 8:32Speaker 02

  He stinks. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Physically, he smells bad.

• 8:35Tom Segura?

  Got it. Cool.

• 8:36Speaker 02

  You're like, don't change anything.

• 8:37Tom Segura?

  Very, very cool.

• 8:38Speaker 02

  That's exactly what you look like.

• 8:40Tom Segura?

  That's exactly what you, you thought of me.

• 8:42Speaker 02

  Yeah, I auditioned for a DC film for like a lead the other day and I was like, guys, don't even send me this. Like to my agents. I'm like, I'm gonna do it. Not great, but I'm like, I'm not. Me, head of DC, let's don't be stupid here.

• 8:56Tom Segura?

  Whenever they do that, I'm like, I'm not sending this in. They're like, they could.

• 9:00Speaker 02

  They could, they can't.

• 9:01Tom Segura?

  Oh, no, they're not, dude.

• 9:02Speaker 02

  They're not. Anything I've booked has been like, someone's like, you look weird and you're doing that. Thank you very much. I'm actually offended I wasn't in bad thoughts because I have a weird face and I feel like you could have put me in there.

• 9:14Tom Segura?

  I would have loved to. I think you weren't avail.

• 9:16Speaker 02

  I was avail.

• 9:17Tom Segura?

  How do you know?

• 9:18Speaker 02

  Because I had nothing, I never had anything going on.

• 9:20Tom Segura?

  Stop.

• 9:21Speaker 02

  Don't try to call, I'm like, I have nothing going on.

• 9:24Tom Segura?

  I don't, I don't believe you. Um, wait, I have to play the opening clip for you, okay?

• 9:27Speaker 02

  Oh, fuck, this is early.

• 9:29Tom Segura?

  No, this one's a good one. It's a fun one.

• 9:31Speaker 02

  I'm getting the garbage ready.

• 9:32Tom Segura?

  No, this one's gonna make you laugh. It's not gross.

• 9:33Speaker 02

  You said that last time and then Earl Petersman, or the fuck his name was, I fucking almost barf.

• 9:37Tom Segura?

  This, this, this.

• 9:38Speaker 02

  Norm fucking Poutine Pick. I hate that guy.

• 9:41Tom Segura?

  Norm Summerton.

• 9:42Speaker 02

  No, I hate, I can't try.

• 9:43Tom Segura?

  I'm very upset with him too. He has not called me back in years.

• 9:46Speaker 02

  Oh, wow. And that's why you're upset?

• 9:48Tom Segura?

  No, but this one's actually funny.

• 9:49Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 9:50Tom Segura?

  Okay, this is, um.

• 9:51Speaker 02

  I can tell, Tom.

• 9:54Tom Segura?

  No, it's a guy getting off, offloaded from the, uh, public transportation and he's disabled.

• 10:00Speaker 02

  Wow, and you're already laughing this hard?

• 10:03Tom Segura?

  Because of him.

• 10:03Speaker 02

  Okay, okay.

• 11:05Tom Segura?

  What I love.

• 11:07Speaker 02

  I want that to play for the rest of the podcast.

• 11:09Tom Segura?

  It usually does.

• 11:10Speaker 02

  I was like, it's.

• 11:11Tom Segura?

  We have a 10 minute version.

• 11:13Speaker 02

  That wasn't it?

• 11:13Tom Segura?

  No, that wasn't it. There's a real 10 minute version. But I love that it's so New York, you know? It's so New York that they're like, someone's honking and he just, his accent, the whole, the confidence of it.

• 11:26Speaker 03

  Fuck your family!

• 11:27Tom Segura?

  Fuck your family.

• 11:28Speaker 02

  And how much, how loud it is for the public streets.

• 11:30Tom Segura?

  Oh, yeah.

• 11:31Speaker 02

  Like, that really echoes.

• 11:32Tom Segura?

  The guy that's helping him get off doesn't even flinch when the guy that's right next to him is screaming, "Fuck your family."

• 11:39Speaker 02

  He had no reaction.

• 11:40Tom Segura?

  He's just like, yeah.

• 11:41Speaker 02

  Yeah, he's right.

• 11:41Tom Segura?

  Do this right here, sign right here.

• 11:44Speaker 02

  That's so insane.

• 11:44Tom Segura?

  Yes, yeah.

• 11:45Speaker 02

  Something on the plane here happened that I feel like is a very your mom's house. This man was burping behind me. Thank you for putting me in first class, but of course, the guy directly behind me, behind the curtain, was belching in a way that I actually don't understand.

• 12:01Tom Segura?

  Or loud?

• 12:02Speaker 02

  Loud. Do you know, do you know the way, have you ever heard a dog barf, right? When it's like barfing foam?

• 12:06Tom Segura?

  Uh huh. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

• 12:08Speaker 02

  That.

• 12:08Tom Segura?

  That's how he was on a plane?

• 12:10Speaker 02

  For the whole flight. At first, I was like, I'm having a weird dream. And then I woke up and I was like, that can't be real. And then I took my AirPod off and the girl beside me was like, and I was like, behind? So I kept them out for a second.

• 12:20Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 12:22Speaker 02

  And then I turned around, I saw the guy, scary, scary white man.

• 12:25Tom Segura?

  Really?

• 12:25Speaker 02

  He looked scary, because I wanted to say something, but red face, like fucking yoked out, like huge headphones on. I'm like, if I said something, he would like, I was.

• 12:34Tom Segura?

  Did he have like a, like roid rage kind of look to him?

• 12:36Speaker 02

  Look, yes. Is that something?

• 12:38Tom Segura?

  Yeah, for sure it is.

• 12:39Speaker 02

  But no, but like, I mean, like the burping, is that something to do with that?

• 12:41Tom Segura?

  Who knows? This guy might be taking everything.

• 12:44Speaker 02

  Some, because.

• 12:45Tom Segura?

  One of his symptoms, he's like, yeah.

• 12:47Speaker 02

  It was so crazy.

• 12:49Tom Segura?

  And whoever says something to him, he's like, I'm gonna beat that person's face.

• 12:52Speaker 02

  And I was like, that's gonna be me.

• 12:53Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 12:53Speaker 02

  I was, I was so scared the whole flight. I'm like, just turn around and say, please stop. And then I got a glimpse and I was like, no.

• 12:59Tom Segura?

  No.

• 13:00Speaker 02

  Do I have snot? You keep doing that for you?

• 13:01Tom Segura?

  No, it's me. You know what it is?

• 13:02Speaker 02

  God damn.

• 13:02Tom Segura?

  I think it's, um, it's nose hair that's growing.

• 13:05Speaker 02

  You didn't tweeze it? Oh, yeah, yeah.

• 13:06Tom Segura?

  It's making me crazy.

• 13:07Speaker 02

  It's making me crazy. I'm like, for fuck's sakes, the whole time doing this.

• 13:09Tom Segura?

  I did a bump right before the game started.

• 13:13Speaker 02

  Christina's away. Ready to podcast.

• 13:16Tom Segura?

  This is, this one is not.

• 13:19Speaker 02

  What? I just ate.

• 13:20Tom Segura?

  I know, but this is gonna, this is very fun. Hold on. What was the verdict?

• 13:25Speaker 04

  Not guilty.

• 13:26Tom Segura?

  Have you seen these?

• 13:27Speaker 02

  No.

• 13:28Tom Segura?

  So this is a whole lane of videos on social media where an attorney will get somebody off on charges. And then they'll, the way they're basically promoting themselves, like we do clips of standup. They'll be like, hey, like, not guilty. And the person's like, yeah, you know, you fucking helped me out. Um, this is, this is who you should call, you know, I got, I got charged with assault. But, um, you know, I didn't do it and like, call, call this attorney if you get something. And then they're like, so it's that lane, but usually you don't see this type of.

• 14:02Speaker 05

  What were you charged with?

• 14:03Speaker 04

  Uh, attempted interference with the custody of a minor or incompetent person.

• 14:12Speaker 05

  And what did they allege?

• 14:13Speaker 04

  They alleged that I attempted to entice a person under 18 to get into my vehicle.

• 14:20Speaker 05

  Was it true?

• 14:22Speaker 04

  Absolutely not.

• 14:23Speaker 05

  Absolutely not.

• 14:25Speaker 02

  Okay. Oh my God.

• 14:27Tom Segura?

  Also, so first of all, he tried to get a minor who's incompetent, so a disabled person under 18 into his car. And then she's so in the practice of telling clients what to say. She goes, what's it, she starts to go.

• 14:41Speaker 02

  Before, before.

• 14:43Tom Segura?

  She's like, heads up, it's no.

• 14:45Speaker 02

  You're always gonna say, no, we know you did it, but it's always a no.

• 14:47Tom Segura?

  Whenever anyone asks, you always say, no, I did not.

• 14:51Speaker 02

  What a very specific thing that obviously you did.

• 14:55Tom Segura?

  A hundred.

• 14:56Speaker 02

  Nobody makes that up.

• 14:57Tom Segura?

  And she also, I don't know how much she prepped him because she's like, he's like, yeah. And she goes, what were you charged with? His face, he's like, well.

• 15:05Speaker 02

  Are we really saying what the real charge was?

• 15:07Tom Segura?

  Can we just come up with something else?

• 15:08Speaker 05

  Completely innocent of the charges and today justice prevailed.

• 15:12Speaker 04

  That's correct. She's the best, number one. I recommend it to anybody.

• 15:17Speaker 02

  He just looks at her tits the whole time?

• 15:19Tom Segura?

  Yeah, anybody.

• 15:19Speaker 02

  How old are you again?

• 15:21Tom Segura?

  Anyone charged with the same kind of shit that I'm into.

• 15:24Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. Any other perverts out there? That's crazy. You know how many perverts probably messaged her after this?

• 15:30Tom Segura?

  Oh, my God.

• 15:31Speaker 02

  Oh, God. How is she repping them? It should be another pervert.

• 15:34Tom Segura?

  She found, she found her lane, dude.

• 15:36Speaker 02

  No, I don't like this.

• 15:38Tom Segura?

  I bet you that plays a role. And, you know, there's so many like psychological things that happen from juries and everything that I bet you a creep having a woman is.

• 15:49Speaker 02

  A hundred percent.

• 15:50Tom Segura?

  Yeah, it's much more beneficial.

• 15:51Speaker 02

  That's of course why he fucking probably won that. That's crazy. I bet you she's sucking off the judge.

• 16:00Christina Pazsitzky?

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• 16:08Tom Segura?

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• 16:51Tom Segura?

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• 17:13Christina Pazsitzky?

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• 18:32Speaker 02

  That's crazy.

• 18:33Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 18:34Speaker 02

  You gotta, she, no, I don't like that. Now I'm gonna report her. To what?

• 18:39Tom Segura?

  Speaking of crazy, so we-

• 18:42Speaker 02

  I have another crazy story, yes.

• 18:42Tom Segura?

  Yeah, tell me.

• 18:43Speaker 02

  No. What were you gonna say?

• 18:45Tom Segura?

  Well, so, we one time told the story of somebody, I forget the origin story, but I think it was about somebody who went airtight. You know, airtight meaning a woman had a dong in every insert, right? And-

• 19:02Speaker 02

  I'm sorry. I'm not following.

• 19:04Tom Segura?

  Sexually.

• 19:04Speaker 02

  Your hand snippers threw me off.

• 19:06Tom Segura?

  Sorry. So-

• 19:08Speaker 02

  You mean like-

• 19:09Tom Segura?

  A woman-

• 19:10Speaker 02

  I'm getting that part.

• 19:11Tom Segura?

  Has three notable inputs, right?

• 19:15Speaker 02

  One.

• 19:16Tom Segura?

  One.

• 19:17Speaker 02

  Oh, oh, okay.

• 19:18Tom Segura?

  One.

• 19:19Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 19:20Tom Segura?

  Two. Two.

• 19:21Speaker 02

  I would have punched you in the face right now. Yes, okay.

• 19:24Tom Segura?

  So to go airtight means to have something in everyone.

• 19:27Speaker 02

  Okay, now I'm getting the scissors.

• 19:29Tom Segura?

  Yes, and now, and so.

• 19:30Speaker 02

  At the same time.

• 19:31Tom Segura?

  All at the same time, right. There's no air seeping out of this lovely angel. So, we talked about that this was most, for the most part, something that you'd see in, in adult films, so you're like, this is exaggeration, this is fantasy, right? This isn't like what really happens. And so when we talked about it at this time, originally it was a while ago, some ladies wrote in and they're like, I actually went airtight. And they told us these fantastical outrageous stories. And we got, it's been a while, but we got one that came in today. May I read it to you?

• 20:05Speaker 02

  Please.

• 20:06Tom Segura?

  Okay.

• 20:06Speaker 02

  Please do.

• 20:07Tom Segura?

  What's everybody, I have an airtight story for you. I have been a slut going on 30 years now. About 18 years ago, I was dating a guy that was sexually open. I went out with my girls one night and he had a guys' night in. Shortly after midnight, he calls me to ask when I was coming home and said that they needed another person to play cards and that I would really like this game. I get home, less than an hour after that, we start playing strip poker. Of course, they are kicking my ass and I'm naked. Then it's the truth or dare poker, which I didn't know was a thing. One of my guy's friends dares me to get my pussy ate on the card table. As my boyfriend is going down on me, one friend starts sucking on my nipples. I let out a little moan, my boyfriend starts fucking me right there.

• 20:51Tom Segura?

  Another guy sticks his dick in my mouth. After a few short minutes of this, we move to the floor. My boyfriend's laying.

• 20:57Speaker 02

  Why do you have to make eye contact during the story? You can keep reading it.

• 21:01Tom Segura?

  All right.

• 21:01Speaker 02

  The looking up is crazy.

• 21:03Tom Segura?

  Well, I want to see how you reacted. You're my guest. What do you mean it's fucking?

• 21:06Speaker 02

  I don't need to see you looking up during this story.

• 21:10Tom Segura?

  My boyfriend on his back and in my ass.

• 21:13Speaker 02

  Well, now you're reading a proper.

• 21:15Tom Segura?

  In my vagine, another friend fucking my face, and a fourth man in my hand and recording the entire encounter. We tried multiple positions to get everyone comfortable, but ended with each taking their turn, um, finishing. Love you all. Anonymous slut.

• 21:33Speaker 02

  What kind of friends are these?

• 21:35Tom Segura?

  I mean, the story, here's the thing.

• 21:37Speaker 02

  Like, when I have friends over, we're eating chips and dip.

• 21:39Tom Segura?

  I know, when the stories come in like this.

• 21:41Speaker 02

  We're not doing this.

• 21:42Tom Segura?

  You know what I found? We found a few times that this has happened with military people. Military people write in that I think they get such, so into their bubble and so pent up and isolated.

• 21:54Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 21:54Tom Segura?

  Sometimes when they, you know, get together, things go crazy. Like when they're on their R and R kind of stuff.

• 22:01Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 22:02Tom Segura?

  This sounds like it could be a made up, it's an outrageous thing to happen.

• 22:07Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 22:10Tom Segura?

  It could also be something that, you know, a couple, I mean, first of all, for the woman to be open to it. Also, one time the woman wrote in and she told us this story and then we set up an interview and we got to talk to her. And then through the conversation, she's just like, yeah, I really didn't want to do it. And we're like, hey, you're telling us about a bad story. And she's like, yeah, I guess so.

• 22:33Speaker 02

  Like, that actually sounds like my nightmare, what you just explained. First of all, no one came fresh from the shower. So you don't have only your boyfriend's penis, which you know how it is.

• 22:42Tom Segura?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 22:42Speaker 02

  All these sweaty blobs playing poker reeks.

• 22:45Tom Segura?

  And they've been drinking and...

• 22:47Speaker 02

  Oh, and they've been all touching the chips and everything's disgusting. No one's washed their hands. She for sure got like a UTI after that. That's disgusting.

• 22:54Tom Segura?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 22:54Speaker 02

  Stink.

• 22:55Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 22:55Speaker 02

  Also, they never were, none of them prepared.

• 22:57Tom Segura?

  No.

• 22:57Speaker 02

  So who knows how long they were cheesing up down there? It's making me sick. I can't, that's so gross.

• 23:03Tom Segura?

  You're right.

• 23:04Speaker 02

  You never thought about that, did you?

• 23:06Tom Segura?

  I just want to move on to something else.

• 23:07Speaker 02

  This is okay.

• 23:14Speaker 02

  I think a slap spit on me.

• 23:18Speaker 02

  I can't believe these people don't get flagged.

• 23:21Tom Segura?

  I know.

• 23:21Speaker 02

  Like, that's what pisses me off.

• 23:23Tom Segura?

  It's really crazy.

• 23:23Speaker 02

  I'm shadow banned on TikTok and that's allowed?

• 23:25Tom Segura?

  Why are you shadow banned?

• 23:26Speaker 02

  Because I can't see fucking pussy, I can't see anything. And that, I can do that? I'm doing that then. That's what I'm gonna start doing online.

• 23:32Tom Segura?

  Come to see me live.

• 23:35Tom Segura?

  The uh.

• 23:36Speaker 02

  That's crazy.

• 23:36Tom Segura?

  The crazy thing on Instagram, which I don't understand is every day I have a couple of friends that will send me a murder or like.

• 23:43Speaker 02

  Full murder.

• 23:44Tom Segura?

  Full murder or footage from a war. Or like one of my friends today sent me a guy getting electrocuted and then the electricity started a fire and the guy burned on the. It's on.

• 23:53Speaker 02

  Hey, and now I know what group of friends are doing the fucking poker table shit. Jesus Christ. Oh, my friends are sending me this. Uh, okay.

• 24:02Speaker 02

  That was Christina writing in.

• 24:03Tom Segura?

  Well, this is.

• 24:04Speaker 02

  Jesus Christ.

• 24:06Tom Segura?

  But here's the thing, it stays up and you're like, hey, Instagram. You mean to tell me like, um, a suggestive word is a problem?

• 24:16Speaker 02

  Literally, and I never show anything.

• 24:18Tom Segura?

  Gun to the head.

• 24:19Speaker 02

  Well, that guy Oliver Tree. That's so fucking sad. Holy fuck.

• 24:24Tom Segura?

  That's very sad.

• 24:25Speaker 02

  I didn't even, I opened my phone and the helicopter crashed and I'm like, I don't want to see this.

• 24:28Tom Segura?

  I know, it's terrible.

• 24:29Speaker 02

  His whole family had to fucking see that.

• 24:31Tom Segura?

  It's terrible.

• 24:31Speaker 02

  That's crazy. It's so fucking sad.

• 24:34Tom Segura?

  I don't understand too, because it was, it was two helicopters colliding.

• 24:38Speaker 02

  Flying, yeah.

• 24:38Tom Segura?

  And you're like, who the fuck is piloting this thing? How are you guys?

• 24:42Speaker 02

  No.

• 24:42Tom Segura?

  I don't understand.

• 24:43Speaker 02

  None of it made any sense.

• 24:44Tom Segura?

  Usually like you're in one of those things and your biggest, the biggest like emphasis is to keep your distance from anything else.

• 24:51Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 24:52Tom Segura?

  And these two are like, I don't understand. It's.

• 24:54Speaker 02

  I'm never going to look. Have you been in one?

• 24:56Tom Segura?

  Many times. Yeah.

• 24:57Speaker 02

  I'm not, it's, that's.

• 24:59Tom Segura?

  I've always really enjoyed it, but the.

• 25:01Speaker 02

  There's no way. I'm gonna tweeze that fucking hair up.

• 25:03Tom Segura?

  I know.

• 25:04Speaker 02

  I'm sorry. Because it's still, oh my god damn, it's me again.

• 25:07Tom Segura?

  What happened a few weeks ago that made me like, kind of freaked me out about helicopters is um, I took lessons at a place in town, right?

• 25:15Speaker 02

  Out here?

• 25:15Tom Segura?

  Here, yeah. And I'd done it like a number of times and I haven't done it in a while now. And then I run into this guy who was like, oh, hey, you trained at this school. And I go, yeah, that's where I was going. He goes, I was a, a, a teacher there. And I was like, you're an instructor? And he goes, I was. And I go, oh, man. He goes, I, it's just kind of like a coincidence, because I know him from other things. He's like, I could have been your instructor. I was like, oh, kind of like a small world sort of conversation. And then I go, oh, like, so how, when do you go up? How often do you up now since you're not there? He goes, oh, I stopped flying. And I go, this is an instructor. And I go, what do you mean you stopped flying? Because I don't fly anymore. And I go, why? He goes, you know. I have like my circle of friends from that world and I just had so many conversations of like,

• 25:58Tom Segura?

  you know, so and so, yeah, they died, you know, so and so that he died and she died. He's like, it just became too many. And I was like, damn, you're an instructor?

• 26:06Speaker 02

  Christ.

• 26:07Tom Segura?

  So that, that, I mean, obviously.

• 26:09Speaker 02

  And you're like, and I have a class right after this? No, Tom, you have to stop.

• 26:15Tom Segura?

  No, I haven't done it. I haven't done it in like a year now.

• 26:17Speaker 02

  That should be a fucking telltale.

• 26:19Tom Segura?

  It was. The fact that this guy said that, I was like, damn, man, I guess it's gonna have to be planes. Do you feel weird on planes?

• 26:27Speaker 02

  No, sometimes.

• 26:28Tom Segura?

  Really?

• 26:29Speaker 02

  But I kind of sometimes I'm always so agitated up there anyways. I'm like, ah, just take me.

• 26:32Tom Segura?

  Do you feel, do you feel safer on a larger aircraft?

• 26:37Speaker 02

  No, no, like I took one to Dubai. It was the scariest thing.

• 26:40Tom Segura?

  That was scarier?

• 26:41Speaker 02

  I didn't like, it was too much. And there's like, oh, you can watch the camera like underneath the plane. I'm like, why am I watching this? I want to see this.

• 26:46Tom Segura?

  Wow.

• 26:47Speaker 02

  Shower in there. It's too much going on. There's too much stuff in there.

• 26:50Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 26:51Speaker 02

  I don't get how they're flying to be.

• 26:52Tom Segura?

  So do you like smaller aircraft?

• 26:53Speaker 02

  I don't like any aircraft.

• 26:54Tom Segura?

  Oh.

• 26:55Speaker 02

  If I could drive everywhere, I would.

• 26:56Tom Segura?

  You have one of those?

• 26:57Speaker 02

  I, I mean, I, I fly every fucking day, but I'm like, I'd rather drive.

• 27:00Tom Segura?

  You'd rather drive?

• 27:01Speaker 02

  I like driving.

• 27:02Tom Segura?

  Do you like long drives?

• 27:03Speaker 02

  I like long drives.

• 27:04Tom Segura?

  Like a six, 10, 12 hour?

• 27:06Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Flop me in there. I zone out.

• 27:08Tom Segura?

  And, and will you stay?

• 27:09Speaker 02

  Windows down, eyelids flopping up.

• 27:11Tom Segura?

  You will, you will drive?

• 27:12Speaker 02

  Oh, I drive.

• 27:13Tom Segura?

  You drive?

• 27:14Speaker 02

  I like to drive.

• 27:14Tom Segura?

  Really?

• 27:15Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah. Long distances.

• 27:17Tom Segura?

  When, how, what's your cutoff point for like, let's switch? Like you drive? After eight?

• 27:22Speaker 02

  Eight, yeah. We've driven across the country three times now from Canada to here. And yeah, eight's the, eight's the cutoff.

• 27:28Tom Segura?

  Holy shit. I'm just old, I guess.

• 27:32Speaker 02

  It's also like, yeah.

• 27:34Tom Segura?

  My cutoff is like 25 minutes.

• 27:37Speaker 02

  Jesus Christ.

• 27:38Tom Segura?

  No, but like, I hit the three hour mark and I'm like, I wanna, I wanna be a passenger for a.

• 27:42Speaker 02

  Well, cause I like being in charge of the music. Cause I feel like that's my, I get music time.

• 27:46Tom Segura?

  Okay.

• 27:47Speaker 02

  And then anybody else's music, I don't like as much. So I want me to be driving.

• 27:50Tom Segura?

  Do you have a wide range of music you like? Like, is it a pretty?

• 27:54Speaker 02

  Kind of, but I kind of just listen to the same shit.

• 27:57Tom Segura?

  Yeah. What's your, what's the core stuff?

• 27:59Speaker 02

  There's this band called Death From Above 1979 that I listen to.

• 28:02Tom Segura?

  Sorry? Could you say that?

• 28:03Speaker 02

  Death From Above 1979.

• 28:04Tom Segura?

  Okay.

• 28:05Speaker 02

  That I'm obsessed with. I listen to them all of the time. I just, I was at the gym in the hotel. Shout out to the gym hotel. Turned his weight. And I listened to the same album I've been listening to for 15 years.

• 28:15Tom Segura?

  Wow.

• 28:16Speaker 02

  I have a problem.

• 28:17Tom Segura?

  This is, this is your band?

• 28:18Speaker 02

  This is my band. And then I was just watching Law and Order SVU. That's all I watch. I get locked into like fucking weird things like that.

• 28:25Tom Segura?

  No, I think that's actually pretty like, because what happens is if you find you like it, you deviate and you almost get anxiety watching something else or listening to something else. So you want to go back to what suit, like kind of makes your nervous system.

• 28:37Speaker 02

  Bad Thoughts takes me like about a week and a half to get through.

• 28:40Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 28:41Speaker 02

  I can't do it all at once. We just got high, they're like, put it on, go through an episode. I'm like, all right, go back to Law and Order.

• 28:51Christina Pazsitzky?

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• 29:33Christina Pazsitzky?

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• 30:02Speaker 02

  We get through it, but I'm like, I just need a minute.

• 30:04Tom Segura?

  What kind of music is the band?

• 30:04Speaker 02

  They're a two-piece from Toronto. They're like rock.

• 30:07Tom Segura?

  Okay.

• 30:07Speaker 02

  Yeah. I listen to rock. Yeah, they're so good. I listen to rock. I listen to like house music, like heavy metal.

• 30:14Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 30:15Speaker 02

  A lot of shit. This was what I say. Remember last time I was here? And I was practicing for my civics test for my,

• 30:24Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 30:25Speaker 02

  my American citizenship?

• 30:27Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 30:27Speaker 02

  I got it.

• 30:28Tom Segura?

  Congratulations.

• 30:29Speaker 02

  I got it. Thank you. Yes, it's a big deal. I am a dual citizen.

• 30:32Tom Segura?

  Real importantly, I hope you fucking answer this correctly.

• 30:37Tom Segura?

  It's the World Cup right now.

• 30:38Speaker 02

  Oh, God.

• 30:39Tom Segura?

  Who are you pulling for?

• 30:40Speaker 02

  You pulled something down there. You scared me. I was like, what are you? I was like, what's down there? I was waiting for so long.

• 30:46Tom Segura?

  Who are you cheering for in the World Cup?

• 30:49Speaker 02

  There's a gun. If anyone can't see what's happening, there's a gun on my knee.

• 30:55Speaker 02

  Um, uh, America. No, obviously, Canada.

• 30:58Tom Segura?

  That's your home country.

• 30:58Speaker 02

  God damn, I'm cheering for Canada.

• 31:00Tom Segura?

  Like, it's always been, it's obviously a global event, but the fact that it's here, and I feel like America's interest in soccer has gained so much, grown so much over the last like 25 years. It's like a frenzy right now. Like everybody, it's so rad.

• 31:16Speaker 02

  It's also, dare I say, too many games.

• 31:18Tom Segura?

  Too many games?

• 31:19Speaker 02

  It's too long.

• 31:20Tom Segura?

  You think so?

• 31:21Speaker 02

  I can't keep drinking like this in the middle of the day, every day, 4:00 PM.

• 31:24Tom Segura?

  You guys play, what, Morocco?

• 31:26Speaker 02

  We just played.

• 31:26Tom Segura?

  Yeah, you just played. It's coming out in a few weeks.

• 31:28Speaker 02

  Also, I need to point out how embarrassing it is. How many teams got into being with 60 something?

• 31:33Tom Segura?

  So you start with, what, 48 matches or something, right? 48 teams, and then it goes to a round of 32?

• 31:39Speaker 02

  That was more.

• 31:40Tom Segura?

  I think so.

• 31:41Speaker 02

  I'm just embarrassed at the fact that Bulgaria couldn't even get in.

• 31:45Tom Segura?

  There's a lot of places that didn't get in that are mortified.

• 31:47Speaker 02

  What do we do? I'm embarrassed.

• 31:49Tom Segura?

  Bro, Italy didn't get in.

• 31:50Speaker 02

  That's crazy.

• 31:51Tom Segura?

  They didn't qualify. I think third time in the last, I don't know.

• 31:54Speaker 02

  That's a lot.

• 31:55Tom Segura?

  20 years or something?

• 31:56Speaker 02

  I feel like that's all they do over there is kick balls around.

• 31:58Tom Segura?

  No shit. That's one of the countries that like really defines itself by karichu. So they haven't, it's really crazy.

• 32:05Speaker 02

  It is bizarre, but I feel like Bulgaria has nothing else going on. They should be focusing up.

• 32:08Tom Segura?

  Yeah, focus on your fucking soccer, man.

• 32:10Speaker 02

  Focus on the soccer. Let's get in there. God damn.

• 32:13Tom Segura?

  Did they ask you this in your America exam?

• 32:16Speaker 00

  You can't manage niggas.

• 32:17Tom Segura?

  No, that's not it.

• 32:18Speaker 02

  That was question number two.

• 32:20Tom Segura?

  Hold on.

• 32:20Speaker 02

  That was question number two. And I went.

• 32:24Tom Segura?

  Hold on. Well, hold on. Well, we should just finish that one. Hold on.

• 32:29Speaker 00

  You can't trust my, I've been working on it for 45 years. A nigga just ain't gonna do the right thing. He's got attitude about everything. Pastor Manning. He ain't for the black man. He'd get into black men, then you got rap music. Damn.

• 32:46Speaker 02

  That's a real sermon.

• 32:47Tom Segura?

  This is real. And do you know where he's giving this speech? Do you know where he's giving this speech? In Harlem.

• 32:52Speaker 02

  No.

• 32:53Tom Segura?

  Yeah, dude. Yes.

• 32:55Speaker 02

  Oh, my God.

• 32:56Tom Segura?

  That's in Harlem, man.

• 32:58Speaker 02

  Is it live? Who's filming this? This is like the church camera.

• 33:01Speaker 00

  It gets worse.

• 33:02Speaker 02

  Like, look how high this angle is.

• 33:04Speaker 00

  Are you today?

• 33:08Speaker 00

  You go to Daytona Beach, I was if y'all seen some of the videos. They even go on a Ruth Chris restaurant now.

• 33:16Tom Segura?

  It's so random.

• 33:16Speaker 02

  That's crazy. This is making me want to go to church now.

• 33:19Tom Segura?

  That to me feels like he's like, I always go to Ruth Chris.

• 33:21Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 33:21Tom Segura?

  Now I'm Chris. That's one of my favorites.

• 33:25Speaker 02

  Mentioning Ruth Chris at a sermon.

• 33:27Speaker 00

  I swear before God.

• 33:30Tom Segura?

  This guy's out of his mind. Pastor Manning.

• 33:33Speaker 00

  Black Gen Zers?

• 33:35Tom Segura?

  He also.

• 33:36Speaker 02

  Gen Zers. He's really got the lingo.

• 33:38Tom Segura?

  He's got the lingo down.

• 33:39Speaker 00

  Someone between fifteen and thirty. They're like monkeys. They're like marauding monkeys. Turn loose from shopping malls, restaurant, running amok, knocking over things. Fighting and shooting and killing. Half naked.

• 33:57Speaker 02

  One guy.

• 33:58Speaker 00

  They're like monkeys. Send their asses back to the jungle.

• 34:02Tom Segura?

  You know, there's like a direct feed of this.

• 34:04Speaker 02

  Yes. I was like, that's why this has to be this angle.

• 34:06Tom Segura?

  No, I mean, like into some like, like southern white guy's house. He's like, this fucking guy gets.

• 34:11Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah. He's like religious all over again. He's like, finally.

• 34:14Tom Segura?

  I've been going to church every Sunday.

• 34:15Speaker 02

  He just, he just moved back to New York.

• 34:18Tom Segura?

  He's, he has, he's, was out, he hated Obama, this guy.

• 34:22Speaker 02

  So is this guy racist?

• 34:24Tom Segura?

  I mean.

• 34:26Speaker 02

  I mean, I kind of, it sounds like he kind of is.

• 34:28Tom Segura?

  Yeah, I mean, it's, it's.

• 34:30Speaker 02

  Am I right?

• 34:32Tom Segura?

  If you couldn't see him, you'd be like, oh, you can't say this.

• 34:34Speaker 02

  Yes, yes.

• 34:35Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 34:36Speaker 02

  Cause why would he hate Obama?

• 34:38Tom Segura?

  He called him, um, the, what's he called him? The Mac, long-legged Mac daddy or whatever. So he came to.

• 34:47Tom Segura?

  He, what is this thing about Obama? He really doesn't like Obama. He calls him mother's white trash for having a, being pregnant out of wedlock. Okay.

• 34:57Speaker 02

  Okay, okay.

• 34:58Tom Segura?

  I think he says that whoever claims to be. Obama, like who Obama says is his father, this guy's like, that's not his father.

• 35:05Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 35:06Tom Segura?

  Oh, there he is, long-legged Mac Daddy. He always, he always calls him that, which is insane.

• 35:11Speaker 02

  Long leg, I mean, that, is that a bad word?

• 35:15Tom Segura?

  Long-legged Mac Daddy.

• 35:17Speaker 02

  People, people want long legs. Isn't Mac Daddy like?

• 35:20Tom Segura?

  Pretty cool.

• 35:21Speaker 02

  Yeah, I don't think that's a bad thing.

• 35:23Tom Segura?

  He basically refers to him as a, like a pimp, yeah.

• 35:26Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 35:26Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 35:27Speaker 02

  Then what's wrong with?

• 35:28Tom Segura?

  So, Atla, yeah, that's, that's the church where he is.

• 35:31Speaker 02

  Wow.

• 35:32Tom Segura?

  Where he preaches. You know what they never show? The crowd. I would love to see.

• 35:37Speaker 02

  It sounds like there was just that one guy in there.

• 35:39Tom Segura?

  It doesn't sound like a lot of people.

• 35:40Speaker 02

  Could you imagine a cut and it was just that one guy? That one big white guy? Yeah.

• 35:45Tom Segura?

  Yeah, because if there were thousands of people, like some of these.

• 35:47Speaker 02

  You hear some reaction to him saying this.

• 35:50Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 35:50Speaker 02

  Send their asses back to the, that's a crazy thing for a preacher to say.

• 35:58Tom Segura?

  That is the, my favorite drop of that. I got an attitude about everything.

• 36:04Speaker 02

  He's very passionate.

• 36:09Tom Segura?

  Oh, shit.

• 36:10Speaker 02

  It is so high pitched.

• 36:12Tom Segura?

  It's so super high pitched.

• 36:13Speaker 02

  Really into it.

• 36:15Tom Segura?

  Oh my God. What are you drinking there? Is that coffee?

• 36:17Speaker 02

  Mm-hmm. What do you think they're drinking? Rum?

• 36:20Tom Segura?

  It could be.

• 36:20Speaker 02

  Just bourbon. Gotta get through the week.

• 36:23Tom Segura?

  Dual citizen, man.

• 36:24Speaker 02

  I can do whatever I want now. Yeah, the fuck I want now.

• 36:27Tom Segura?

  What's your coffee drink? What do you usually?

• 36:29Speaker 02

  Americano.

• 36:30Tom Segura?

  Iced.

• 36:30Speaker 02

  Lash, almond milk, yeah.

• 36:31Tom Segura?

  Usually. Oh, very gay drink, yeah.

• 36:34Speaker 02

  Gay?

• 36:34Tom Segura?

  It's gay, it's what the gays drink.

• 36:36Speaker 02

  Is it?

• 36:36Tom Segura?

  Yeah, men, yeah. I found out.

• 36:39Speaker 02

  Wow.

• 36:39Tom Segura?

  I found out because I only drink iced coffee and then someone was like, oh, you, you drink like the, like gay men. I was like, what? And they're like, yeah, gay men drink iced coffee year round. And I was like, I didn't know.

• 36:49Speaker 02

  Well, no, this is an Austin thing. It's fucking sweltering here. In LA, I'd get a hot one.

• 36:53Tom Segura?

  Oh, you would, okay. So I'm gay, you're not. Got it.

• 36:55Speaker 02

  Yeah, exactly. That's what I'm trying to say.

• 36:58Tom Segura?

  Totally fine.

• 36:59Speaker 02

  You're gay, I'm not.

• 37:00Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 37:04Speaker 02

  You've never, I just saw Eric Andre post this, not post, he did, um, he did, uh, what's the Jewish guy's name? Like Stern, for fuck's sakes.

• 37:14Tom Segura?

  Howard Stern?

• 37:14Speaker 02

  Yes, he did, and told this whole story of how he like got his dick sucked, uh, in, um, uh, in like Thailand. He was getting a massage and then all of a sudden he woke up.

• 37:23Tom Segura?

  Recently?

• 37:24Speaker 02

  No, I guess a while ago.

• 37:25Tom Segura?

  Oh, oh.

• 37:26Speaker 02

  But he told this whole story.

• 37:26Tom Segura?

  But is it, is it appearance recent?

• 37:28Speaker 02

  Yes, yes, yeah. I think it came out when he was like doing stuff for the, the new movie.

• 37:31Tom Segura?

  Okay.

• 37:31Speaker 02

  And I was like, wow, what a ballsy thing to say on a big podcast. But I was also like, he was so, oh, but he was, he wasn't saying he was gay.

• 37:39Tom Segura?

  That's on brand for Eric. Eric's like an open book and he says wild shit. Like he's a, you know.

• 37:44Speaker 02

  But the whole, the way he told the story, I was like, yeah, it sounds like, you know, you're getting a massage in your heart, then you're like, you know what's going on down there? And I was like, so I guess I was asking if that's ever happened to you. That's what I was trying to say.

• 37:56Tom Segura?

  No.

• 37:58Tom Segura?

  I've had, um, uh, farts in, in the massage.

• 38:01Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah, yeah.

• 38:02Tom Segura?

  I had a massage therapist fart where, yeah. So she, it was funny because she was like, I'm face down. This is like a nice spa, like a hotel spa.

• 38:11Speaker 02

  Your dick's in the face hole and getting sucked off by, by a woman, though.

• 38:15Tom Segura?

  There's like a old midget underneath me. He's just.

• 38:20Speaker 02

  Brad Williams underneath.

• 38:23Tom Segura?

  You don't, you don't have to name him.

• 38:26Tom Segura?

  But this lady, she was like, and she knows, they, they always go, they use that voice. She was like, I want you to completely relax. Let everything go. This is your time for yourself to unwind and just don't hold it. Just release everything that you're feeling and allow me to do the work. And I was like, okay. And she takes both hands. She's, she's like up on my back here and as she pushes out here, and I'm like, and then she stops and I'm like, I'm, my hand, my face is in the donut and I'm like.

• 39:03Tom Segura?

  Yeah, and I could tell that she's probably like, oh shit, I just ripped.

• 39:06Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 39:06Tom Segura?

  And then, since I don't react, she's like, and she just goes back to like.

• 39:11Speaker 02

  Didn't, I can't believe you didn't react.

• 39:13Tom Segura?

  I know, I should have.

• 39:13Speaker 02

  You didn't laugh?

• 39:14Tom Segura?

  No, I was kinda just like, no way, yeah.

• 39:17Speaker 02

  That's crazy.

• 39:19Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 39:20Speaker 02

  I would have been like.

• 39:21Tom Segura?

  You ever get fingered during a massage?

• 39:23Speaker 02

  Could you imagine?

• 39:23Tom Segura?

  I mean, I'm sure it's happened.

• 39:25Speaker 02

  That, too much oil.

• 39:26Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 39:27Speaker 02

  That way, I can't, whenever I see those pores where they're like lubing up and then I'm always like, what was that? That oil shouldn't be in there.

• 39:32Tom Segura?

  Well, maybe it's what.

• 39:32Speaker 02

  That's what I'm always thinking about with it.

• 39:34Tom Segura?

  You're like, what kind of, is that water soluble?

• 39:37Speaker 02

  No, also, I usually get massaged by like a big, like Taiwanese lady.

• 39:41Tom Segura?

  Mm-hmm.

• 39:42Speaker 02

  She'd rip me in half with those fingers. I got this woman, she's got like big mitts on her. She really gets in the knots.

• 39:47Tom Segura?

  When I was at my.

• 39:47Speaker 02

  She just.

• 39:49Tom Segura?

  At my fattest in Silver Lake, I would go to this Korean place and I would walk in, they go, you're too big. I go, I'm sorry. They're like, you're too big, too big. I'm like, I'm too big? And they're like, too big to massage, yay.

• 40:00Speaker 02

  I should go there just so that would make me lose my weight. I'll walk in, if they say it to me, I'll be like, this is all you need for diet.

• 40:06Tom Segura?

  You walk in, you're too big.

• 40:08Speaker 02

  That is how you lose weight. That's how you lose weight. Did you know you lose weight after that? That would be if someone's telling me to my face, I'm too big.

• 40:14Tom Segura?

  Dude, my kids will make you lose weight. Kids don't know.

• 40:17Speaker 02

  Bring them over here now.

• 40:18Tom Segura?

  They don't know the, the like social parameters. Like they'll, they'll literally be like, you look fat. And you're like, okay, yeah. Come up, they'll grab your stomach. They're like, hey, how's it going, big guy? Grab your fat.

• 40:32Speaker 02

  Big fat. One time I did this commercial years ago for Bud Light, never saw it. They wanted like a model. It was one of those joke ones where I went out, I'm like, I don't know why I'm here. I go in with, it's all models in the thing. I go, this is, this is a nightmare. I booked it because I was the only normal person there. They brought in a bunch of people that couldn't improvise. I'm like, why would you bring in, anyways, I book it. I go to the fitting the next day, they're like, oh, um. Sorry, we're not who, uh, nothing fit.

• 40:56Tom Segura?

  You booked it.

• 40:56Speaker 02

  I booked it, but they, they, they thought they were hiring a model.

• 40:59Tom Segura?

  Like a waif.

• 41:00Speaker 02

  Uh, not what they go, well, maybe if the Spanx, I couldn't get the Spanx on. They were like, you're gonna have to come back tomorrow. We have to go shopping.

• 41:08Tom Segura?

  We gotta go shopping.

• 41:09Speaker 02

  And I wasn't even big then, but I was just like compared to.

• 41:12Tom Segura?

  Woman your size before, this is crazy.

• 41:13Speaker 02

  Are you a woman?

• 41:14Tom Segura?

  They used to.

• 41:14Speaker 02

  That's what they said to me.

• 41:15Tom Segura?

  They used to send me, it would always make me mad too. I would get like a commercial audition. And like you get the, the sides, whatever. It's for some commercial and they're like, big fat pig is sitting around.

• 41:27Speaker 02

  Big oinker, a Norm Somerton type.

• 41:29Tom Segura?

  And it would be exactly. But it says like, fat fucking load of a man is like doing this. And I'd be like, hey, I think they're gonna get like, really fucking fat guys. And they're like, just go, you could book it. And you go and you're in that waiting room and every guy is like 400 plus.

• 41:49Speaker 02

  Yes, and you're like.

• 41:50Tom Segura?

  And I'm like looking around and even they are like, you're not fat enough to be here.

• 41:56Tom Segura?

  And you're like, alright, man. And I would do, I would do it and they, and even when you walk in a room, like the, the people are like, nah dude.

• 42:02Speaker 02

  No, that's, I went out for, this was real, I used to joke about it, it was so fucked up. Looking for a woman, a three or four out of 10.

• 42:11Tom Segura?

  No.

• 42:11Speaker 02

  I booked it. No, it gets worse, it gets worse. Me and this other girl, we both booked it. They couldn't decide who was uglier. So we get to set, it was for Skittles. Hello, you motherfuckers, it was for Skittles. Remember they used to have this thing where you had like, point your finger on the thing and then like a cat would be licking your finger or something? It was that. If you look it up, ugly princess, Skittles, ugly princess. It's probably still on YouTube. We both went to set. They made me look fucking scary. I had lipstick all over my teeth. I was like, ah, crazy. And they made her look a little less.

• 42:40Tom Segura?

  And they're like, perfect.

• 42:41Speaker 02

  Yeah, but we both did it and we did like make out with this glass. So it's, I think it's probably called ugly princess make out Skittles. I'm not sure, but it was like, you know offensive it is? Oh yeah, this is it.

• 42:50Tom Segura?

  This is it.

• 42:51Speaker 02

  This is it.

• 42:53Speaker 00

  A video is going to start and your finger will touch something you could never touch before. Something from a place far, far away. So make sure it's there now.

• 43:02Speaker 02

  Yep. That was it.

• 43:05Speaker 03

  So if I kiss this finger, it'll, it'll really turn into a prince?

• 43:09Speaker 02

  Yes, and together you can rule Skittles land for all time. They had me in a pink dress and I was just in the other room waiting for her to do this.

• 43:19Speaker 02

  I did it much different now that I'm really watching the way she's doing it. I used a lot of tongue. Give me something.

• 43:28Speaker 02

  But that's my friend Kayla and we both were very offended.

• 43:32Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 43:33Speaker 02

  I mean, I hate to, because also when I got to the audition, you look around and you go, okay. Whoa. Fresh out of the old bog, these women were.

• 43:45Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 43:45Speaker 02

  They were like trough hogs and I was like, I'm not booking, I booked it, okay. Wow, wow.

• 43:51Tom Segura?

  I have to say, when I, I also have felt the, the discomfort when you write something and you're like, and now you're producing it and you're casting it and your description is like, this fucking pig, you know, walks in and then I get to say, as if, you fucking dork, like, you know, you hog.

• 44:09Speaker 02

  Uh huh.

• 44:09Tom Segura?

  And like, and like, and then they're like, here's the audition and then the actress comes in, they're like, I'm here to read for hog.

• 44:15Speaker 02

  And you're like.

• 44:16Tom Segura?

  And you're like,

• 44:18Tom Segura?

  it's not like that.

• 44:19Speaker 02

  No, it's not.

• 44:19Tom Segura?

  You're like, no, it's like that.

• 44:20Speaker 02

  No, it is like that. So now you, you're on both sides, which is even worse.

• 44:23Tom Segura?

  Yes, yes.

• 44:24Speaker 02

  You know how bad it is and you're still doing it.

• 44:26Tom Segura?

  Dude, one time, my thumbs booked an audition, a commercial.

• 44:29Speaker 02

  Those thumbs.

• 44:30Tom Segura?

  Yeah, so, because there's a lot of improv, so I'm just like, blah, blah, blah, and the thumbs end up having faces on them that they do like,

• 44:37Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 44:38Tom Segura?

  CGI whatever on it, but we're doing it in a hot tub and blah, blah, like, you know, we're talking like this and of course, when I book it, you're just like, oh, great, my thumbs booked this and I get paid to do this. It was like a Sony ad. And at the time, I had like a callus here and so I was in the routine, I was like just chewing on it, but you know, when you're in like a pool.

• 44:59Speaker 02

  It gets all sogged up.

• 45:00Tom Segura?

  And then it looks like torn and like, like, it looks so gnarly.

• 45:05Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 45:05Tom Segura?

  So I'm filming and then at one point I hear somebody go, what is that? And I'm like, what? And they're like, what, what is on your thumb? What, that looks awful. What is that? And I'm like, that's, that's my thumb. And they're like, no, it's like really disgusting.

• 45:20Speaker 02

  Oh my god.

• 45:21Tom Segura?

  I would go in like this and then they're like, um, yeah. What are we gonna fucking do about that? And I hear them having their like, it's so fucking gnarly. Like it's all torn up. And then they ended up putting like bubbles in the hot tub. And then you could put like bubbles around. Yeah, like if you know your like bubble bath that covers up. Yeah, that's what they do.

• 45:43Speaker 02

  Wow, the old bubble cover.

• 45:44Tom Segura?

  Bubble cover.

• 45:45Speaker 02

  That's crazy.

• 45:46Tom Segura?

  It was really gross.

• 45:46Speaker 02

  That's so embarrassing.

• 45:48Tom Segura?

  I was like, um, yeah.

• 45:51Speaker 02

  And there's nothing, it's getting worse too.

• 45:52Tom Segura?

  And you can't do anything.

• 45:53Speaker 02

  No, because the water's sopping into it. Oh yeah, ew.

• 45:56Tom Segura?

  So mangled.

• 45:57Speaker 02

  God.

• 45:58Tom Segura?

  It was gross. It wasn't cool like this.

• 46:01Speaker 03

  Run as fast as you can sweetheart. I love a good chase. But once I catch you.

• 46:08Speaker 02

  Oh no.

• 46:09Speaker 03

  You are never walking away from me.

• 46:12Tom Segura?

  Sounds like a kind of a threat, right?

• 46:14Speaker 02

  Kind of?

• 46:15Speaker 03

  You will barely be able to walk at all. If you understand what I'm saying. And you followed me this far. Drop David in the comments. And hit that like, share, save and subscribe button.

• 46:28Tom Segura?

  Isn't that insane dude?

• 46:30Speaker 02

  That's the best part. He's, he's, he's.

• 46:33Tom Segura?

  I'll kidnap you.

• 46:34Speaker 02

  I'll break your legs. Lord knows what else I'll do. Okay, I'm at.

• 46:38Tom Segura?

  Like, save and subscribe.

• 46:40Speaker 02

  I'm at, that's the best. I, I should start doing that at the end of my videos. I'm at Dan Sung Sa, have you ever been there? In LA, it's one of the best fucking restaurants in Creighton. It's amazing. It's like all smoky in there. They do all these fresh, it's so fucking good. I was for a stop the other day. I'm feeling good. I dressed up, we're waiting at the way outside of this parking lot. There's some homeless people. Jefferson goes to the bathroom. This very scary homeless man comes right up to me. I'm standing alone for two seconds. He goes, well, well, well. And I'm like, please no. Looks me up and down. He goes, mm, mm, mm. And I'm like.

• 47:15Speaker 02

  Okay, there's a lot of people in the parking lot he could talk to.

• 47:17Tom Segura?

  I saw your skittles there.

• 47:18Speaker 02

  Comes right up to me. He's so gross. He's like, "You here alone?" I go, "No, I'm not. I'm not here alone." He goes, "You couldn't handle all this dick anyways."

• 47:27Tom Segura?

  Ugh.

• 47:28Speaker 02

  And I went, "What?" And he was, he's like, "Yeah, I'm skinny. Where do you think it all went?" And I'm like texting Jefferson, I'm like, "Get the fuck out of here." And he's like, then he's like standing beside me, not, now not hitting on me anymore, goes, "Look at that girl over there." Now he's like, he's like using me to like,

• 47:39Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 47:39Speaker 02

  I go, "I don't wanna do this." And then he walked away and I was like, "That's all I would get? A homeless man?" Like, I, I was feeling so good. I just did a very good set and I'm like,

• 47:50Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 47:50Speaker 02

  If I wasn't against Jefferson, that would be my other option.

• 47:53Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 47:53Speaker 02

  Homeless man.

• 47:54Tom Segura?

  With all this dick.

• 47:55Speaker 02

  I'm like, "This is pathetic." This is sad.

• 47:59Tom Segura?

  He hit on you though.

• 48:01Speaker 02

  I've never seen that many skin tags on one person.

• 48:03Tom Segura?

  But doesn't it feel good to get hit on?

• 48:05Speaker 02

  By a pile of skin tags? No, it doesn't actually. I, I actually hate to bring it to you. No, I'd actually rather nothing.

• 48:11Tom Segura?

  Dude, I-

• 48:11Speaker 02

  That was it.

• 48:12Tom Segura?

  Like, uh, 2000, I'm dating myself, three or something like that. I'm at this bar in LA and it's, uh, you know, like some bars, dark with like low light. And a woman came up to me and she was like, "Hey, you know, I think you're cute or whatever. Um, here's my, like, can I get your number?" She asked me for my number. And I was like, "Oh, okay." And I was like, you know, flattered.

• 48:38Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 48:39Tom Segura?

  She calls me the next day.

• 48:41Speaker 02

  Oh.

• 48:41Tom Segura?

  She's like, "Do you wanna go out? Blah, blah, blah." I'm like, "All right." I go to pick her up. Fucking sun's out.

• 48:47Speaker 02

  Oh, sun's bad.

• 48:48Tom Segura?

  Oh, man.

• 48:48Speaker 02

  Sun's bad.

• 48:50Tom Segura?

  First I go, "Yo."

• 48:51Speaker 02

  No, you didn't.

• 48:53Tom Segura?

  Jesus.

• 48:53Speaker 02

  No, you did not.

• 48:55Tom Segura?

  Yes, dude.

• 48:56Speaker 02

  Tom, you did not say that.

• 48:57Tom Segura?

  And I, I, I was just like, "Oh, my God."

• 48:59Speaker 02

  No, you didn't. No.

• 49:02Tom Segura?

  And she had, she put up like a flower in her hair, you know, one of those things. And-

• 49:07Speaker 02

  You did not. You, there's no way in fuck.

• 49:10Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 49:10Speaker 02

  You went, "Oh, fuck off, man, you pig."

• 49:14Tom Segura?

  I didn't say-

• 49:14Speaker 02

  No, there's no way.

• 49:16Tom Segura?

  I didn't say that, but I was like, "Come on." And then the whole time I'm like, "How do I..." I'm young. I don't know how to handle it.

• 49:23Speaker 02

  Sure.

• 49:23Tom Segura?

  So I'm just like- You know, she's like, let's go to this, uh, there's a party at this thing.

• 49:27Speaker 02

  The flowers should go there.

• 49:29Tom Segura?

  Put the flowers there.

• 49:32Tom Segura?

  And then I took her to the party and then the whole time I'm like,

• 49:35Speaker 02

  The party?

• 49:35Tom Segura?

  It was a daytime thing.

• 49:36Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 49:37Tom Segura?

  And so there's music and I was like, all right. And then she's like, you wanna go to this thing? Or like, I'm like, eh, why don't we just kinda just wrap this shit up, you know? So then I, I, I drop her off and um, she goes, uh, give me a kiss. I give her the cheek.

• 49:48Speaker 02

  Oh, oof.

• 49:50Tom Segura?

  I like, I gave the cheek. And I was like, you shouldn't advertise like this.

• 49:56Tom Segura?

  You were in a very dark place.

• 49:57Speaker 02

  Well, she knows what she's doing. That's like, uh, there was a guy that I went out with and then um, I only saw him at night. And then I saw him the daytime once and his teeth were this, they were this wood.

• 50:06Tom Segura?

  This wood color?

• 50:06Speaker 02

  They were slabs of wood. They, it was un, I was like,

• 50:09Tom Segura?

  Horrifying.

• 50:10Speaker 02

  Unbelievable.

• 50:11Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 50:12Speaker 02

  I, I'm like, I kissed that?

• 50:13Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 50:14Speaker 02

  Those wooden coffin teeth were in my mouth?

• 50:16Tom Segura?

  This woman's skin is what did it to me.

• 50:18Speaker 02

  Skin?

• 50:19Tom Segura?

  The skin was just.

• 50:20Speaker 02

  What was it, was it having like acne?

• 50:22Tom Segura?

  Craters and like scars.

• 50:24Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 50:25Tom Segura?

  Yeah. Do you um, sorry, do you have a thing for teeth, like nice teeth?

• 50:30Speaker 02

  I do. Have you not seen my, no.

• 50:33Tom Segura?

  风吹草绿马 How many teeth do you think are in his mouth?

• 50:37Speaker 02

  Wait, what is that?

• 50:39Tom Segura?

  Is it a square?

• 50:40Speaker 02

  It's so straight.

• 50:42Tom Segura?

  Yeah. It doesn't round.

• 50:44Speaker 02

  No, no. How does he even close his mouth?

• 50:46Tom Segura?

  Well, you know, I asked the same question and you know what Cougar on our staff said? He's Asian.

• 50:51Speaker 02

  How does that make any sense?

• 50:52Tom Segura?

  I guess he was just saying that's what happens there.

• 50:54Speaker 02

  Does this stays open all the time? Dry.

• 50:57Tom Segura?

  I mean, look at those teeth. I mean, he's got a great voice, but the fucking teeth are just.

• 51:02Speaker 02

  They're all the same size too, kind of.

• 51:05Tom Segura?

  That can't be real, right?

• 51:06Speaker 02

  Where's the top?

• 51:09Speaker 02

  No, that's gonna fall out. That's gonna fall out.

• 51:12Tom Segura?

  The, is there a top?

• 51:14Speaker 02

  It, it appears as such there's not a top.

• 51:18Speaker 02

  I don't think he would need a top if that was your bottom.

• 51:22Tom Segura?

  Yeah, that's enough teeth.

• 51:23Speaker 02

  You're good on the top.

• 51:24Tom Segura?

  Now, but the these, the fortress of teeth that he has at the bottom are just gonna smush things against the roof of your mouth.

• 51:32Speaker 02

  And I feel like there's there's force. It's almost like, it looks like a horse's teeth.

• 51:34Tom Segura?

  It does. It doesn't look like human teeth.

• 51:37Speaker 02

  He could, they could have got that if, like, in these countries, I don't know if they can get veneers.

• 51:41Tom Segura?

  I would have just, I would have taken it back and go, could you round him a little bit around the sides? The edges are very, very square.

• 51:48Speaker 02

  I kind of don't mind the straightness of them, though.

• 51:50Tom Segura?

  But even out here, don't you want to just?

• 51:52Speaker 02

  No, but I feel like now you have more room in your mouth. If you have just a wall of teeth at the front.

• 51:57Tom Segura?

  I feel like those teeth maybe grew his mouth. Maybe he had like a really small mouth. And they're like, if we give you 45 teeth.

• 52:02Speaker 02

  Oh, to stretch your mouth out.

• 52:04Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 52:05Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 52:05Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 52:09Speaker 02

  I need to see the top.

• 52:11Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 52:12Speaker 02

  It is, it is a lot of, it is a lot of large teeth.

• 52:16Tom Segura?

  Yep. That's a lot of teeth, man. It's a lot of fucking teeth.

• 52:19Speaker 02

  I do like, I do like teeth, though. Jefferson's mouth is my favorite part.

• 52:23Tom Segura?

  Really?

• 52:24Speaker 02

  It's so clean. It's so clean. He never has bad breath. He's got like amazing teeth.

• 52:28Tom Segura?

  Great teeth. Great dental hygiene?

• 52:30Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah. He's flossing right now. If I face him right now, I'd probably have a floss sticking.

• 52:34Tom Segura?

  That's great. That's really good. Good gum health?

• 52:36Speaker 02

  Great gum health.

• 52:38Tom Segura?

  Man.

• 52:38Speaker 02

  Because I've been hearing about people getting their gums receding and having to get like the roof of the mouth and plant it on.

• 52:42Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 52:43Speaker 02

  I don't want that.

• 52:44Tom Segura?

  I think that's happening to me next.

• 52:45Speaker 02

  You're receding?

• 52:46Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 52:47Speaker 02

  Get some of that guy's gums. He's got a lot of gums.

• 52:51Tom Segura?

  That'd be great to get this guy's gums.

• 52:54Speaker 02

  Because people have been getting cadaver gums, too.

• 52:56Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 52:57Speaker 02

  If you don't have enough, because they scrape, like the roof, they take them to the roof.

• 53:00Tom Segura?

  And then they surgically do that. Yeah, that's coming up for me. That's kind of neat.

• 53:04Speaker 02

  They told you that?

• 53:05Tom Segura?

  They said you should inquire about it, yeah. They're not, they're not at emergency level, but they're like, yeah.

• 53:11Speaker 02

  You don't want to get to emergency. It's too late at that point.

• 53:13Tom Segura?

  I know, I know.

• 53:13Speaker 02

  Then you expose the nerves.

• 53:16Tom Segura?

  Ah, fuck.

• 53:17Speaker 02

  How's this guy? Where he gets this? I can't believe you haven't shown me. Now I'm offended you haven't shown me a super gross one yet.

• 53:23Tom Segura?

  I know, right?

• 53:23Speaker 02

  You don't have one? There's no way.

• 53:25Tom Segura?

  I don't think we have. This is a fun one. This is fun.

• 53:28Speaker 00

  We're the trust. Because this is, this is what we do. Because we're, because we're pals. We just call trust.

• 53:35Tom Segura?

  Hey, so these two guys.

• 53:37Speaker 00

  We're the trust now and again. So we've got 11 floors.

• 53:42Tom Segura?

  So he gets on the elevator with his friend. And he's gonna drop a hot fart. And then lock his, he's locked his friend into the elevator.

• 53:49Speaker 00

  How's we doing this?

• 53:50Tom Segura?

  It's kinda gross.

• 53:55Speaker 00

  Oh, you're dead. We go down, we have to build it. Yes, and drop him.

• 54:00Speaker 00

  Taco baba, say it's a garlic. He's got the onions. Onions.

• 54:07Speaker 00

  Onions, man.

• 54:10Speaker 00

  Have a whiff.

• 54:12Speaker 02

  He's gonna throw up. He's gonna throw up.

• 54:14Speaker 00

  Have a little whiff.

• 54:16Speaker 02

  Oh, God.

• 54:18Speaker 00

  Do you want a bit of onions?

• 54:20Speaker 02

  He's gonna barf.

• 54:22Speaker 00

  Go on, a bit of garlic. Last, last whiff, go on. Last whiff, last whiff, last whiff.

• 54:29Speaker 02

  That's so bad.

• 54:31Tom Segura?

  But that's, that, that's real friendship, though.

• 54:34Speaker 02

  I would never talk to that man again. That's so gross.

• 54:38Tom Segura?

  What if one of your girlfriends did that?

• 54:39Speaker 02

  As if. I'm the girlfriend that'd be doing that. Like, as if, I'm not the one doing that. That's so, that's bad.

• 54:46Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 54:47Speaker 02

  Jefferson farted so bad the other day. I had to open every window in the house.

• 54:50Tom Segura?

  Really?

• 54:50Speaker 02

  I thought he shit his pants.

• 54:51Tom Segura?

  And he didn't?

• 54:52Speaker 02

  No, I sharted a couple weeks ago, though.

• 54:54Tom Segura?

  You did?

• 54:54Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 54:55Tom Segura?

  Wait, what led to it?

• 54:56Speaker 02

  I was just sitting there, lazy to get up.

• 54:58Tom Segura?

  What, what'd you eat before?

• 54:59Speaker 02

  No, nothing. I don't know, I always have shits.

• 55:02Tom Segura?

  Really?

• 55:02Speaker 02

  Yeah, something's going on. Maybe I gotta get something checked out.

• 55:05Tom Segura?

  But it wasn't like a juice you'd had or anything?

• 55:07Speaker 02

  No, no.

• 55:08Tom Segura?

  And you sharted?

• 55:09Speaker 02

  Yeah, and then I had to change my pants if I sharted some wipe down the couch.

• 55:13Tom Segura?

  Were you?

• 55:15Tom Segura?

  So you're, at least you're home.

• 55:16Speaker 02

  But that's what's the grossest part. I could have just gotten to the bathroom and I knew, you know, you know, you're sharding. You barely, it's like everyone who sharts goes, I know.

• 55:26Tom Segura?

  So you knew when it was coming, you're like, I'll see if I can get away with this.

• 55:29Speaker 02

  Hmm, I think I knew.

• 55:31Tom Segura?

  You just wanted to shit yourself? You wanted to shit?

• 55:35Speaker 02

  No, I didn't want to shit myself. I was just comfortable. I was so comfy, I couldn't get up. No, I didn't know for sure if it was gonna be that much, but.

• 55:45Tom Segura?

  Cannot believe you did that.

• 55:53Speaker 02

  That one is so good.

• 55:54Tom Segura?

  That's so great.

• 55:57Speaker 02

  Big gulp.

• 55:58Tom Segura?

  Big gulp.

• 55:59Speaker 04

  Why do saber type toques not even exist anymore? Is it because those teeth are really hard to brush because they're so long and sharp? I get it. Let me know.

• 56:14Tom Segura?

  You wanna know something crazy? He's single. Isn't that crazy?

• 56:18Speaker 02

  That made me sad.

• 56:20Tom Segura?

  What, what about it?

• 56:21Speaker 02

  Something like that make me sad.

• 56:22Tom Segura?

  Saber type toques?

• 56:23Speaker 02

  That, that made me upset.

• 56:25Tom Segura?

  Really?

• 56:26Speaker 02

  That, because I just like, what's, poor guy.

• 56:29Tom Segura?

  Yeah, alright.

• 56:31Speaker 02

  Makes me sad. You, you don't feel bad for that?

• 56:33Tom Segura?

  I mean, he's got an interesting question. Why don't saber tooth tigers exist anymore? Is that why you're sad because those animals are?

• 56:40Speaker 02

  His dick and balls are out right now, too. If you, if you're looking at that thinking that guy isn't just doing like this with the bottom of his ball sack? You're crazy.

• 56:48Tom Segura?

  Why do saber tooth tigers?

• 56:50Speaker 02

  That's exactly what's happening. Floss it is all hell, too.

• 56:53Tom Segura?

  Oh, yeah.

• 56:53Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, no, that's not gonna hurt.

• 56:55Tom Segura?

  No blood going anywhere.

• 56:56Speaker 02

  It looks the same, the same color as his, his face. Very light penis.

• 56:59Tom Segura?

  Yes. Which, it actually is probably a shade lighter. It gets no sun.

• 57:05Speaker 02

  It looks like almost, no, no, what if it only got sun? He's just headed out, just sizzling on a towel.

• 57:10Tom Segura?

  Every time he gets his mail, his fucking dick's out.

• 57:13Speaker 02

  It's so white and it's like, it's see-through almost. It's like a fresh roll.

• 57:17Tom Segura?

  It'd be crazy if he has like a hog on him.

• 57:19Speaker 02

  He probably does. He probably does. That's the worst part.

• 57:22Tom Segura?

  Oh, man.

• 57:22Speaker 02

  I know. And now, oh, that's what upset you, that he's got a big dick?

• 57:25Tom Segura?

  Yeah, because you're like, now it's sad. Now it becomes sad.

• 57:28Speaker 02

  Because.

• 57:29Tom Segura?

  He could be out there just living his life.

• 57:31Speaker 02

  He's living his life.

• 57:33Tom Segura?

  Meeting chicks. He's like, dude, I saber tooth tiger?

• 57:36Speaker 02

  He might meet somebody.

• 57:38Tom Segura?

  He could be, could meet this chick. Oh no, my last month of three, what I'm gonna do?

• 57:43Speaker 02

  About. Muah. Yes.

• 57:47Tom Segura?

  You like Monster?

• 57:48Speaker 02

  I'm never drinking a Monster again.

• 57:51Speaker 02

  I, you know what? That was good for me to see. I'm gonna go to this Korean place when I get to LA to stop drink, to stop drinking. I need to lose weight. And now this, I'm never.

• 57:59Tom Segura?

  You're gonna go to the Korean place with the homeless guy outside?

• 58:01Speaker 02

  No, the Korean place, the Thai.

• 58:03Tom Segura?

  Oh, you're too big.

• 58:04Speaker 02

  Yeah, you're too big. And then I'm gonna now play this anytime I want to drink an energy drink.

• 58:08Tom Segura?

  That's, yeah.

• 58:09Speaker 02

  I think that must be what happened to the eye. There's no way.

• 58:12Tom Segura?

  What? How does the eye do that to somebody?

• 58:15Speaker 02

  If you're drinking that many Monsters a day.

• 58:17Tom Segura?

  How many do you think she's drinking?

• 58:18Speaker 02

  Oh, four or five, probably?

• 58:20Tom Segura?

  That's a mega, oh, it's a mega monster.

• 58:22Speaker 02

  That's a mega. So she's probably having what? Ooh, look at the dirt in the nails. Ooh.

• 58:27Tom Segura?

  Shit.

• 58:28Speaker 02

  Stinky, stinky. That's a stink.

• 58:30Tom Segura?

  That's no good.

• 58:31Speaker 02

  See, if that was the friend at the poker table, she would be all holes open, no air tight.

• 58:37Tom Segura?

  Dude, that story's so insane.

• 58:39Speaker 02

  It's not real.

• 58:40Tom Segura?

  It's not, right?

• 58:41Speaker 02

  There's no way. People make up everything now. We're making things up.

• 58:46Tom Segura?

  Four people at your boyfriend's poker party?

• 58:48Speaker 02

  And everyone was just like, yep.

• 58:50Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 58:50Speaker 02

  All your friends are perverts. They're like, let's fuck your girlfriend right now.

• 58:53Tom Segura?

  Yeah, and they all are like, I don't have any anxiety about doing this.

• 58:57Speaker 02

  And none of them had a wife or a girlfriend? They just did it?

• 59:00Tom Segura?

  Yeah, it's fine. I don't think so.

• 59:03Speaker 02

  There's no snacks on the table they had to move. There's just nothing? It's all happened organically?

• 59:06Tom Segura?

  It sounds like a movie. It sounds like a movie. Yeah.

• 59:08Speaker 02

  It's, it's, that's a porno.

• 59:09Tom Segura?

  I'm with you.

• 59:10Speaker 02

  Go.

• 59:17Speaker 02

  That wasn't his ass.

• 59:18Tom Segura?

  Yeah, that was his ass.

• 59:20Speaker 02

  That's what was me on the couch, isn't it?

• 59:21Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 59:23Speaker 02

  That's his ass? That he needs to go wipe it.

• 59:25Tom Segura?

  Yeah, and it always has that. You ever have like those snappy ones?

• 59:29Speaker 02

  No.

• 59:29Tom Segura?

  Never?

• 59:30Speaker 02

  One long wet one. No, I'm kidding.

• 59:34Tom Segura?

  How much shit was there?

• 59:35Speaker 02

  Not a lot.

• 59:36Tom Segura?

  No.

• 59:36Speaker 02

  Squim.

• 59:37Tom Segura?

  You're so quick to answer. Not a lot.

• 59:38Speaker 02

  No, but it was, it came out forceful. It came out maybe kinda like that.

• 59:42Tom Segura?

  You pushed it hard.

• 59:43Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah, pushed it.

• 59:44Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 59:45Speaker 02

  You would not push it. I push out a lot of my farts.

• 59:48Tom Segura?

  Do you?

• 59:48Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah. I don't know why. I feel like I gotta sometimes get it out.

• 59:54Tom Segura?

  Yeah, you shouldn't hold on to it.

• 59:56Speaker 02

  No, it's bad.

• 59:57Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 59:57Speaker 02

  It's a health risk.

• 59:58Tom Segura?

  It's a health risk. Yeah. You fart a lot on planes?

• 1:00:02Speaker 02

  No, I think it's so gross, but I farted a lot the second I got off. That jet bridge? I can't hold it. I'm sorry.

• 1:00:08Tom Segura?

  Dude.

• 1:00:08Speaker 02

  Don't stand behind me.

• 1:00:09Tom Segura?

  I was just on a flight where as the guy sat next to me.

• 1:00:14Speaker 02

  He farted?

• 1:00:14Tom Segura?

  Yeah. And I was like, and I let out an audible like, oh my God. Cause I want, and he didn't look at me.

• 1:00:21Speaker 02

  You have to.

• 1:00:21Tom Segura?

  You sit next to someone and they go, oh my God.

• 1:00:24Speaker 02

  That's crazy.

• 1:00:26Tom Segura?

  And he was just like, he stayed down. I was like, bro. And I, and I did a dramatic, I was like, Jesus Christ.

• 1:00:31Speaker 02

  I do this on the planes. I go, please stop. It's a big ordeal. I can't, I'm sniffing too much.

• 1:00:36Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:00:36Speaker 02

  That's rude. You can't, this nose, it's gonna sit there the whole flight. Old Adrian Brody's gonna hang out there.

• 1:00:42Tom Segura?

  Adrian Brody's nose. Come on. You have a great nose, man.

• 1:00:46Speaker 02

  I don't, look, my fiance loves it, so I'm gonna shit his ass.

• 1:00:49Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:00:49Speaker 02

  I don't like her.

• 1:00:50Tom Segura?

  Who gives a shit?

• 1:00:52Speaker 02

  I don't.

• 1:00:53Tom Segura?

  Do you like pranks?

• 1:00:54Speaker 02

  No, what are you doing?

• 1:00:56Tom Segura?

  I'm not doing anything. I got a video, I got a video of one.

• 1:00:58Speaker 02

  I hate pranks.

• 1:00:59Tom Segura?

  Really?

• 1:00:59Speaker 02

  It's gonna be mean.

• 1:01:00Tom Segura?

  No, this one's, this one makes me laugh. I thought it was funny.

• 1:01:02Speaker 02

  This'll be mean?

• 1:01:03Tom Segura?

  No.

• 1:01:04Speaker 02

  You're sick.

• 1:01:04Tom Segura?

  No, no, it was fun. It was sweet. It was.

• 1:01:06Speaker 02

  Okay, let's see how funny it's.

• 1:01:08Speaker 00

  Tickle, tickle, tickle, tickle.

• 1:01:11Tom Segura?

  He's just pretending to tickle.

• 1:01:12Speaker 00

  Tickle, tickle, tickle, ah, ah. Tickle monster. No. Tickle.

• 1:01:21Speaker 02

  That is insane.

• 1:01:22Tom Segura?

  Yes.

• 1:01:22Speaker 02

  How did he not get slapped?

• 1:01:24Tom Segura?

  That guy's face?

• 1:01:24Speaker 02

  If that was my dad and that man did that, he would be fucking in the hospital.

• 1:01:29Tom Segura?

  I believe it.

• 1:01:29Speaker 02

  My father, Pete Tolev, if someone faked tickled him, that's it.

• 1:01:33Tom Segura?

  And they're like, I'm the tickle monster.

• 1:01:34Speaker 02

  He would kill them.

• 1:01:35Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:01:35Speaker 00

  Oh, tickle, tickle, tickle, tickle, tickle, tickle, tickle, ah, ah. Tickle monster. No. Tickle.

• 1:01:44Speaker 02

  That's crazy.

• 1:01:51Speaker 02

  Wow.

• 1:01:51Tom Segura?

  You see, he's kind of amused here at the end.

• 1:01:53Speaker 02

  He is.

• 1:01:53Tom Segura?

  He's got a little smile on his face.

• 1:01:54Speaker 02

  He is amused, but I think he's amused too that the wife kind of stuck up for him.

• 1:01:57Tom Segura?

  The wife was, no. Yeah.

• 1:01:59Speaker 02

  I would do that.

• 1:02:00Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:02:00Speaker 02

  If someone did that, that's so annoying.

• 1:02:01Tom Segura?

  Did Jefferson?

• 1:02:02Speaker 02

  That's just annoying.

• 1:02:02Tom Segura?

  Yeah, it is. He's very annoying.

• 1:02:04Speaker 02

  That's annoying.

• 1:02:05Tom Segura?

  I would, I have to admit, I would not be amused if this happened today.

• 1:02:08Speaker 02

  There's no fucking way. That guy does that to you off an airplane?

• 1:02:11Tom Segura?

  Yeah, no, no.

• 1:02:11Speaker 02

  Well, that's crazy. You're all fucking

• 1:02:13Tom Segura?

  Crazy.

• 1:02:13Speaker 02

  built up with gas and that guy's doing that?

• 1:02:15Tom Segura?

  I think the culture of these, um, video pranks now is crazy what some people. The one I love the most is when somebody's sitting, like at the mall, you know, just sitting there, just like taking a break, like sitting on a, and someone will walk by and just pass them a note.

• 1:02:34Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah. And you watch them read it, whatever?

• 1:02:36Tom Segura?

  Yes.

• 1:02:36Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 1:02:36Tom Segura?

  And then it says like, I've taken four shits today.

• 1:02:38Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah. That's funny.

• 1:02:39Tom Segura?

  That's funny because you're not really like

• 1:02:42Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 1:02:43Tom Segura?

  doing something to that, other than just handing them a piece of paper.

• 1:02:45Speaker 02

  Or have you, do no one gets me, the guy in Central Park that has those insane farts?

• 1:02:50Tom Segura?

  Oh, yes, yes, yes.

• 1:02:51Speaker 02

  Those make me, and then he'll just do like a flip and a spin.

• 1:02:54Tom Segura?

  And you see people.

• 1:02:55Speaker 02

  And people, those kill me. Cause it's also not real too. So it's like this fucking

• 1:02:59Tom Segura?

  He's using a fart machine.

• 1:03:00Speaker 02

  It's a fart machine and it's so absurd and that, those are my favorite.

• 1:03:04Tom Segura?

  Mm-hmm.

• 1:03:04Speaker 02

  I kind of, I watch that, I go, I wish I did that.

• 1:03:07Tom Segura?

  Yeah, that was

• 1:03:07Speaker 02

  I wish I thought of that.

• 1:03:09Tom Segura?

  That one would be great to have thought of.

• 1:03:10Speaker 02

  Oh, God.

• 1:03:11Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:03:12Speaker 02

  It'd be so viral, just off that.

• 1:03:13Tom Segura?

  And then you'd be like, come see me at the fucking punchline.

• 1:03:16Speaker 02

  Yes, every weekend. But then the whole time they'll want you to do that?

• 1:03:18Tom Segura?

  Fart.

• 1:03:18Speaker 02

  Yeah, the whole show. And I'm like, so depressed. My whole set's just me farting, fake farting.

• 1:03:23Tom Segura?

  Are you guys want to see some farts?

• 1:03:25Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:03:25Tom Segura?

  And they're like, yeah. You just hold the mic back and they're like

• 1:03:29Speaker 02

  They're like

• 1:03:30Tom Segura?

  Great.

• 1:03:31Speaker 02

  And then I'm like, Netflix, give me an hour.

• 1:03:32Tom Segura?

  Gee whiz, you some buck. I haven't seen you since 85. This is a fun one too. This is where the guy recording just goes up to men and flirts with them.

• 1:03:43Speaker 02

  Okay, okay.

• 1:03:44Tom Segura?

  It's kind of harmless. Okay? Yeah. Who are you? I'm, um, Mitchell. Mitchell? Yeah. You remember me? No. I think we met at Harry Queen one time.

• 1:03:54Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 1:03:55Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:03:56Speaker 00

  I don't know.

• 1:03:57Tom Segura?

  Your name's William, right?

• 1:03:58Speaker 00

  No, it's David.

• 1:03:59Tom Segura?

  Oh shit. So they, he does stuff like that, but then he'll-

• 1:04:04Speaker 02

  See, that's nice.

• 1:04:05Tom Segura?

  Yeah, sometimes he'll be like, like, I like when they're, they'll walk up to like a middle aged or older guy and they'll be like, you're fucking cute as hell. And the guy's like, what? And he's like, you're just cute as shit, man. Because he's not like accosting him.

• 1:04:17Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 1:04:17Tom Segura?

  He's just giving him a compliment.

• 1:04:18Speaker 02

  It's the accosting.

• 1:04:19Tom Segura?

  And then the comedy is kind of in the way the guy receives the compliment, you know? Is your middle name William?

• 1:04:26Speaker 00

  No.

• 1:04:28Speaker 00

  You might have some wrong person. Yeah. I don't know. Okay. You look just as cute as he did. Okay.

• 1:04:38Speaker 00

  Alright. What you sipping on?

• 1:04:42Tom Segura?

  Oh, wish it was me.

• 1:04:47Speaker 00

  Okay, I'm looking for tires.

• 1:04:50Tom Segura?

  Keep it safe.

• 1:04:53Speaker 02

  That's nice. That's nice. It's showing how homophobic men are.

• 1:04:57Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:04:57Speaker 02

  That's nice.

• 1:04:58Tom Segura?

  That's essentially the whole bit. Yeah.

• 1:04:59Speaker 02

  I like that bit.

• 1:05:00Tom Segura?

  And then every once in a while, he'll come up to some older guy in a grocery store and he'll be like, guy, you look cute as hell. And the guy'll be like, you think so? And he's like, yeah. Want to go into what, the car right now? And he's like, yeah. And he'll be like, I-

• 1:05:14Speaker 02

  Oh shit.

• 1:05:15Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:05:16Speaker 02

  Oh shit.

• 1:05:17Tom Segura?

  Sure, man. Yeah. Well, just let me just buy this real quick and then we can go into the car.

• 1:05:21Speaker 02

  Oh god. Those must really throw him off.

• 1:05:24Tom Segura?

  Yeah, I think those probably do throw him off.

• 1:05:25Speaker 02

  I was like, this is not the plan.

• 1:05:26Tom Segura?

  Fuck, this guy's gonna fuck me up.

• 1:05:29Speaker 02

  I have to do it.

• 1:05:30Tom Segura?

  I, I said I would.

• 1:05:31Speaker 02

  The bit's a bit.

• 1:05:33Tom Segura?

  Commit to the bit, man.

• 1:05:33Speaker 02

  Commit to the bit. That's what we all say.

• 1:05:35Tom Segura?

  That's always it. Don't-

• 1:05:37Speaker 02

  Commit to the bit.

• 1:05:38Tom Segura?

  Don't. Alright, one last one.

• 1:05:40Speaker 02

  Okay, I know it's gonna be-

• 1:05:42Tom Segura?

  Something funny, just to laugh at. Yeah, Steph, come on.

• 1:05:48Tom Segura?

  Come on.

• 1:05:48Speaker 02

  I'm scared. Oh, fuck. Oh shit. Oh, so many more times.

• 1:05:56Speaker 02

  Oh, heavens to Betsy. The bird chirping is crazy.

• 1:06:02Tom Segura?

  Crazy. He died.

• 1:06:03Speaker 02

  No, he didn't.

• 1:06:03Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:06:04Speaker 02

  Tom.

• 1:06:05Tom Segura?

  He didn't die.

• 1:06:05Speaker 02

  Tom.

• 1:06:06Tom Segura?

  He's okay.

• 1:06:07Speaker 02

  You don't know.

• 1:06:08Tom Segura?

  Uh, let me, I think I do have a thing here.

• 1:06:10Speaker 02

  You don't have a thing.

• 1:06:12Tom Segura?

  I do.

• 1:06:12Speaker 02

  That man could be dead.

• 1:06:13Tom Segura?

  There's always an aftermath thing.

• 1:06:14Speaker 02

  Is there? Okay.

• 1:06:15Tom Segura?

  Yeah, this says not available. So he could be dead. Yeah.

• 1:06:17Speaker 02

  Jesus Christ.

• 1:06:19Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:06:20Speaker 02

  God damn it. At least it wasn't a plane crash, Wong, because I do have to get on an airplane right now.

• 1:06:25Tom Segura?

  Um, yeah, no. Do we have a plane crash for you?

• 1:06:28Speaker 02

  Don't.

• 1:06:28Tom Segura?

  I don't think we do. Do we have a crash?

• 1:06:31Speaker 02

  Don't. I have to fly. I'm gonna be scared. Don't do it.

• 1:06:34Tom Segura?

  Steph infection.

• 1:06:36Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 1:06:36Tom Segura?

  Uh, look it up. Um, produced here is on Steph's YouTube channel. Thank you very much for working with us.

• 1:06:43Speaker 02

  Thank you very much for working with me.

• 1:06:45Tom Segura?

  We're thrilled to have you.

• 1:06:46Speaker 02

  I'm very excited.

• 1:06:46Tom Segura?

  And of course, people can look for dates at punchup.lives/stephtolov. Any upcoming dates?

• 1:06:54Speaker 02

  I...

• 1:06:54Tom Segura?

  Are you gigging, bro?

• 1:06:55Speaker 02

  I'm starting in September.

• 1:06:56Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:06:57Speaker 02

  Yeah, September's coming in hot. Indianapolis, July 17th and 19th, and then the summer's kind of...

• 1:07:02Tom Segura?

  Chill.

• 1:07:03Speaker 02

  We're going home to the cottage. We're drinking. We're, you know.

• 1:07:06Tom Segura?

  Enjoying life.

• 1:07:07Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:07:07Tom Segura?

  Enjoying life. Let's see, um...

• 1:07:10Speaker 02

  Don't fuck off, you guys. 23 hours ago. Fuck off.

• 1:07:15Tom Segura?

  Oh, that just happened?

• 1:07:16Speaker 02

  Jesus Christ. And you guys will be on Southwest, for fuck's sakes. That, I don't trust it.

• 1:07:21Tom Segura?

  I did? I didn't do that.

• 1:07:23Speaker 02

  No, no, it was, I needed this. I don't have a show tonight.

• 1:07:26Tom Segura?

  Oh, okay. Oh, you have a show tonight?

• 1:07:27Speaker 02

  Well, yeah, I do shows in L.A. all the time. I'm in the store.

• 1:07:29Tom Segura?

  Yeah, okay.

• 1:07:30Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:07:30Tom Segura?

  Okay, are you doing it in the store?

• 1:07:31Speaker 02

  Mm-hmm.

• 1:07:31Tom Segura?

  Great. Um, it's always great to see you.

• 1:07:33Speaker 02

  Thanks for having me.

• 1:07:34Tom Segura?

  Thank you for coming in.

• 1:07:35Speaker 02

  Of course.

• 1:07:36Tom Segura?

  We love you. Do you want to see this crash real quick?

• 1:07:38Speaker 02

  No, fuck off.

• 1:07:39Tom Segura?

  All right. Uh, we'll see you next week.

• 1:08:00Speaker 00

  Here it comes! Yes! Holy cow! Holy cow, I was right! Just glassin', just glassin', let's glass, let's glass. Holy cow! That is awesome! Just glassin', just glassin', let's glass, let's glass, let's glass. Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah! Boo! Ah, ah, ah, ah! Oh yeah! Ah, ah, ah, ah! Boo! Ah, ah, ah! Ah, ah, oh yeah! Happy birthday to you, sweetness. Happy birthday.

• 1:08:45Speaker 00

  It's pretty cool, man, and it's deep. Happy birthday to you, sweetness. Happy birthday. Gee, gee, gee, gee, gee. Wow, look at that! Just glassin', just glassin', oh my god! Let's glass, let's glass. Oh my god, look at it! Just glassin', just glassin', Listen to that horn! Let's glass, let's glass.

• 1:09:15Speaker 00

  I like that. I really like that. Happy birthday to you, sweetness. Happy birthday. Just glassin', just glassin', Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday. Let's glass, let's glass. Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah! Boo! Ah, ah, ah, ah! Oh yeah! Ah, ah, ah, ah! Boo! Ah, ah, ah! Ah, ah, oh yeah!