Moment 69 - People Pleasing Is Hurting You: Lewis Howes

In these ‘Moment’ episodes of my podcast, I’ll be selecting my favourite moments from previous episodes of The Diary Of A CEO. In this moment, Lewis Howes lays down exactly why you need to stop being a people pleaser if you want lasting and deep relationships. What Lewis teaches us is that real relationships come from someone loving us for who we are, not from who we’re pretending to be. Any act or pretence we put on about ourselves will inevitably get found out. So you have to come as yourself, for better and for worse. How do you find an authentic way to express your true self? Let Lewis explain… Listen to the full episode here - https://g2ul0.app.link/lPEJbP9Xdsb Lewis: https://www.instagram.com/lewishowes/?hl=en https://twitter.com/LewisHowes?ref_src=twsrc%5Egoogle%7Ctwcamp%5Eserp%7Ctwgr%5Eauthor Watch the Episodes On Youtube - https://www.youtube.com/c/TheDiaryOfACEO/videos Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:02Steven Bartlett?

  You described the reasons why in your trauma that that made you a people pleaser. And do you know what's really interesting is when you told me that you were a people pleaser, I couldn't believe that. I'm like, what, you big tough athlete man? People pleaser? You know what I mean? But it just, it goes to show that that sort of that trauma in us

• 0:22Steven Bartlett?

  is kind of agnostic to our mask.

• 0:25Speaker 01

  Absolutely.

• 0:27Steven Bartlett?

  And I, when you told me that, because we had a little bit of this conversation, just a hint of it, when we met in Dubai, I realized that I'd been a people pleaser. But I never thought I was. In all of my relationships, I think the significant reason why they failed is exactly what you've described. I've gone in trying to compromise everything.

• 0:46Speaker 01

  For love. Just to keep the peace, keep the love.

• 0:50Steven Bartlett?

  Just to, just to keep them and try and keep them happy with me. And in the short term, that day, fine. You go any kind of mid to long term time horizon and it's resentment, it's anger, exhaustion, arguments.

• 1:05Speaker 01

  It's a weight. So exhaustion, man. You know, I take full responsibility for every relationship I've chosen and been in and stayed in. Because I could have gotten out of any relationship at any moment. But I was afraid and I lacked the, really the self-confidence to step away because I was afraid of losing love. But it's not real love if it's inauthentic. If you're having to change who you are to make someone happy, I just don't feel like that's real love. I'm all for making adjustments and alignment with certain things, but it shouldn't be changing your core essence of who you are to make someone happy. That's not real love.

• 1:43Steven Bartlett?

  You said something to me which really puzzled me because I've never heard it before, which was, when I said, I started talking to you about what things I should be compromising in my relationships and you went, no compromise.

• 1:55Speaker 01

  For me, I don't believe in compromising who I am.

• 1:59Steven Bartlett?

  Yeah.

• 1:59Speaker 01

  If you're like, listen, this week I want to go to this place for restaurant and next week, you can choose. That's, I guess, a compromise of like activities.

• 2:08Steven Bartlett?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 2:08Speaker 01

  But not compromising your core values and your authentic power. If we are compromising our authentic selves, we're essentially saying, screw you to our creator. You've created us for who we are and nah, I don't want to be this way for one human being because it doesn't make them feel good or it makes them unhappy or they're afraid or scared. As opposed to who can I be if I'm a hundred percent myself in life? And I'm not saying like, if you've got flaws, adjust those, improve those. Like, I'm all willing to improve and adjust all my flaws. But if it's something that's at my core is my personality, I'm not changing for anyone. Why? I want to be changing for one person?

• 2:52Speaker 01

  That just doesn't seem like a good, I don't know, situation. And I've done it for too long.

• 2:56Steven Bartlett?

  And with, with Martha, your current partner,

• 2:58Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 2:58Steven Bartlett?

  um, you had a conversation very early on about your unwillingness to compromise your core values.

• 3:05Speaker 01

  Yes, and my priorities.

• 3:06Steven Bartlett?

  And your priorities.

• 3:07Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 3:09Steven Bartlett?

  So tell me exactly what you mean by your priorities and how that was received.

• 3:13Speaker 01

  Man, I told her probably like three months in, as we, I knew in the first night I met her, I go, I wanted to be single. I was like, just got done this healing journey, get out of a relationship. I was like, I really want to be single for like a year and just be single. And I met her before that time and I remember thinking, oh crap, there's something unique and special here on a different level, more than just sexual attraction. There's a spiritual connection. There's something deeper that I can see a vision of something incredible that I couldn't do on my own, right?

• 3:52Speaker 01

  And I was like, let me just string this along as far as I can before I get committed. Right? Let me just give it some space, not jump into this thing too fast. Like, let's just take it slow. And after about three months, I said to her, I go, listen, I'm gonna tell you something that I don't think you're gonna like. And I said this many times to her. I go, I'm gonna say something right now that you're probably not gonna like. And I don't think any woman wants to hear this from a man. I'm just letting you know. And she's thinking I'm about to drop a bomb or something. And I'm like, you may not want to continue dating me after you hear this. She's like, what is it? Now she's freaking out. I go, you will never be my number one priority. Never.

• 4:33Speaker 01

  And I had an explanation. I said, listen, my number one priority needs to be my health. Because without my health, I can't fully show up for my number two priority, which is my mission or my calling from God.

• 4:46Steven Bartlett?

  Oh God, she wasn't even number two, Lewis.

• 4:48Speaker 01

  And I said, you're not number one and you're not number two. You're number three. And no woman wants to hear, I'm the third priority in some man's life. They need to make me number one. I need to be thinking, they need to think about me all the time. I'm number one priority. Otherwise, I'm out of here. And it's not that she's not a number one top priority, but health needs to come first at all times. And that doesn't mean all day I'm doing my health. It's just, I need to make sure every day I'm taking care of it. This is a top priority. If this is number two, number three, number 10, I'm not gonna be good for you in our relationship. I'm not gonna have energy. I'm gonna be more moody.

• 5:26Speaker 01

  So I need to make this a priority first for the second priority, which is my mission, my calling from God, the universe, the world, whatever you wanna call it, whatever's speaking through me into the existence. Because if that is not a high priority for me, then I'm gonna be unhappy. Cause I'm gonna feel like there's something calling me in the world and I'm not doing it because I'm giving more time and attention to one person. But if I'm healthy and working on myself, if I am putting energy and time into my mission, then you're going to have the most incredible relationship of your life. Because I'm going to be of service to you in such a high, beautiful, authentic way, that you're going to be feeling like you're the number one priority.

• 6:08Speaker 01

  But you just have to be in awareness that this is where I'm coming from. And it doesn't mean I'm not going to be spending all my time with you and I'm free and all, and we're not going to have an amazing life. But you've got to be aware, this is my priorities. And the crazy thing is, right when I finished, she said, "That's the most amazing thing I've ever heard." Because that's exactly what I've been looking for. I've been dating guys with no purpose. None of them had a purpose, they made me their purpose. And I was like, "No, what's the thing you want to do in the world? What's the calling you have?" And none of them had a calling. They had stuffed activities, they had hobbies, but it wasn't like a main calling in the world. And she was like, "You're the perfect match for me." Because you have a mission to serve the world.

• 6:52Speaker 01

  And I'm cool with that. Were you trying to scare her off based on a previous relationship? I was trying to scare her off by saying, "I'm never going to change who I am." Based on a previous relationship? Based on five previous relationships. It was based on every relationship before where I abandoned myself to try to make one person happy and create peace in an environment. Because there was never peace. And it's my responsibility, it's my decisions by choosing these relationships, by staying and by not leaving sooner. And so it's never, because I just wanted to fix the relationship. I was like, "Okay, how can we make this better?" What mask have I got to wear? Exactly. Yeah. And so, man, it's liberating and freeing.

• 7:33Speaker 01

  And the only way this works is because, this sounds bad. I'm going to say something that probably sounds bad. I think my girlfriend would be okay with me saying this, but the only way this works is I'm willing to walk away at any moment. I don't want to walk away. I want to be with this woman. She's incredible. She's a gift in my life. But if it's not in alignment with her values, her vision, her lifestyle, my values, my vision, my lifestyle, and we don't fully accept who we are, then we shouldn't be together. And I want the best for her and I want the best for me. So as sad as I would be, I'm willing to walk away at any moment if it compromises giving up who I am.

• 8:17Speaker 01

  And it brings me peace because I'm not attached. I'm committed. I'm holding it loosely. You know, I'm got my hands wrapped around the relationship, but I'm not suffocating the relationship. I'm not squeezing it to death. I'm like, okay, you can. You want it, you don't need it. Yeah, I want it. I'm committed. I'm all in. But I'm not going to change who I am. Yeah. To force it.