The 5 Red Flags In Dating You Should Never Ignore EP 1182

Today’s episode is a special mashup episode focused all about the biggest red flags in dating that you should never ignore! We’ve had a lot of incredible conversations with relationship experts and therapists that I know will help you gain clarity on wherever you currently are in your love life. In this episode we discuss the biggest mistake you’re most likely making in your relationship, why it’s so important for your values to match, how to understand the difference between love and lust and so much more! For more go to: www.lewishowes.com/1182Matthew Hussey’s book - https://www.amazon.com/Get-Guy-Learn-Secrets-Deserve/dp/0062241753Esther Perel’s books - https://www.estherperel.com/booksDeVon Franklin’s books - https://devonfranklin.com/author/Dr. Shefali’s books - https://www.drshefali.com/books/Stephan Speaks’ books - https://www.stephanspeaksshop.com/collections/booksThe Power of Erotic Intelligence with Esther Perel: https://link.chtbl.com/732-podFind Lasting Love with Matthew Hussey: https://link.chtbl.com/811-pod Get more from Lewis! Get my New York Times Bestselling book, Make Money Easy! Get The Greatness Mindset audiobook on SpotifyText Lewis AIYouTubeInstagramWebsiteTiktokFacebookX

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Lewis Howes?

  Think beyond sex. How do you teach men to do that when that's all they've been conditioned to think? Well, here's how.

• 0:07Lewis Howes?

  Welcome to the School of Greatness. My name is Lewis Howes, former pro athlete turned lifestyle entrepreneur. And each week, we bring you an inspiring person or message to help you discover how to unlock your inner greatness. Thanks for spending some time with me today. Now let the class begin.

• 0:31Lewis Howes?

  Welcome back everyone to the School of Greatness. Today's episode is special because it's focusing on the biggest red flags in dating that you should never ignore. And we've had so many incredible conversations with the top relationship experts and therapists in the world that I know will help you gain clarity on wherever you currently are in your love life. And in this episode, we discuss the biggest mistakes you're most likely making in your relationship with my friend and relationship expert, Matthew Hussey. Why it's so important for both individuals' values to match with psychotherapist Esther Perel. How to understand the difference between love and lust with expert Devon Franklin.

• 1:11Lewis Howes?

  How to make sure you're not in the wrong relationship and how to begin a new relationship with Dr. Shafali. And how to communicate and understand your partner better in order to prevent arguments and a breakup with my man, Stephan Speaks. And if you're inspired by this, make sure to share this with someone that you think would love hearing this as well. And if this is your first time here, a quick reminder to follow and subscribe to the School of Greatness. And let us know the part of this episode you enjoyed the most by leaving us a review over on Apple Podcast with your thoughts and inspiration. And today's fan of the week is from Agnewix, who said, "The universe always guides us to find the right path, and mine is the School of Greatness podcast.

• 1:52Lewis Howes?

  Words cannot describe how much this podcast helped me to finally find myself, learn, grow, and become the best version I can be. I'm so grateful for the show and all the guests, their honesty, their challenges, and the inspirational stories." So a big thank you again for being the fan of the week. And if you want a chance to be shouted out on the podcast as a fan of the week, leave us a review at the end of this episode. Okay, in just a moment, we'll break down the red flags in relationships that you should never ignore.

• 2:23Lewis Howes?

  In this section, Matthew Hussey breaks down the biggest reason why relationships can fall apart after you're in a relationship for a while and past the honeymoon phase. What's the biggest mistake people find today when trying to find their love? Or find someone that they, you know, their soulmate?

• 2:40Matthew Hussey?

  Oh my god.

• 2:41Lewis Howes?

  What's the biggest mistake? Is it being yourself?

• 2:47Matthew Hussey?

  It's, I, I, I think there's a something of a sense of entitlement

• 2:54Matthew Hussey?

  that most of us have, uh, or that most people have when they're going out to date, where they somehow feel like they're just owed the love of their life, that it shouldn't be difficult, that, um, that they don't have to do anything, that it's enough, that they are just them. You know, it's the, you know, that there's, I don't know if you've ever seen Bridget Jones, but there's a, there's a line in Bridget Jones where, uh, forget his name, Colin Firth, I think it is. He's, he's looking at Bridget and he's, I think, he says, I love exactly how you are, I love you. Like no changes, nothing. I, I love you exactly how you are. And it,

• 3:38Matthew Hussey?

  sometimes we feel like we're owed that. And it kind of becomes an excuse again.

• 3:44Lewis Howes?

  To be lazy.

• 3:45Matthew Hussey?

  To grow, not to, you know, I, I don't, frankly, I, it doesn't really matter what you think you're owed in love. Uh, no one cares.

• 3:54Lewis Howes?

  I think it's the same thing with work and, you know, so many people are entitled and they think they should just get a job, you know?

• 3:59Matthew Hussey?

  And so the biggest criticism I get all the time, which I'm happy with as a criticism of my advice, is, well, why do you need to do all of this stuff? Why can't you just, you know, go through life and, and, you know, when the time is right, you'll know. Why, why do you have to do all of these techniques? I'm happy with that criticism. If you, if you, if that's what you think, you're not my audience. Because my audience are the same people that go to a business seminar to make more money. They're the same people that say, you know what, um, if I want to start a business, I might actually need to know what the hell I'm doing. It's not enough to have confidence in life. You have to have competence. You have to actually know what you're doing. And,

• 4:41Matthew Hussey?

  and that's what a lot of people don't know in their love lives. If you, for example, there's, there's something I come, I came to understand. I was, I remember once having a breakup. It was the most painful breakup I've ever had. I was really, really in a bad way over it. And a while later, I spoke to this, to this woman on the phone and I had said to her on the, in a brave moment on the phone, I said, why did, why did you wanna break up? Cause by the way. You talked to the, the woman you were dating? Yeah, the, the one that had. Later on the phone? Later, like a year or two later. It was less raw. I was feeling a little more. How long was the relationship for? A couple of years. Okay, wow. And, um, uh, and I was, I was pretty caught up about it. Now, the funny thing was, uh, to make a long story short,

• 5:25Matthew Hussey?

  she had actually done something I didn't like and that I thought was inappropriate and disrespectful. And I remember going to her the next day and saying, I think we need to break up. During the relationship, she did this, yeah? Yeah. And, uh, she then said to me, okay. That was when I knew she was breaking up with me. It wasn't, it wasn't, you know, when you, you think you're breaking up with them? No, she was already doing it. She was breaking up with me. Uh, and it was, what was so painful about it is that she was, she didn't mind. Uh, I was, I thought she might get upset. I thought, no, she didn't mind. And that was the most painful part about it. And I. She didn't even fake it. You know, most women would fake that they might. I can't believe this, but they're really.

• 6:09Matthew Hussey?

  I know, I know. No, she looked like she was, okay, this is a good decision. So I, so I, I remember a while later, we were on the phone and we, we became, we're friends today. We're very good friends, in fact. And, uh, I had said to her on the phone, um, why did we break up? I said, what, what was it for you that I wasn't doing?

• 6:32Matthew Hussey?

  And I braced myself for the answer. She said, do you really wanna know? Honest feedback. And I said, I literally thought to myself, wait, do I really wanna know? And I said, I gritted my teeth and I went, yeah, I wanna know. She said, um, you were boring.

• 6:46Matthew Hussey?

  And Wow. There was so much worse than I thought it would be. Do you know what I mean? Like, not, not just like, oh, well, you know, it was just, I was young and I was, you know, wanted to be free. No, you were boring. It was really cutting. And I, I remember resisting the urge to bite back. And I said, That wasn't boring. Right, exactly. I said, no, you're, shut up idiot. You asked a question. So now, listen. So I said, why was I boring? She said, you, she said, when I first met you, you were the most ambitious, person I'd ever met. And she said, I'd never met someone with such an ability to decide they want something and then get it. And she said, it was so sexy.

• 7:31Matthew Hussey?

  She said, but as we went into our relationship, the more time went on, the more that was all you were. You were super ambitious. You knew how to get what you want, but you were so one dimensional. You know, it was all you did. Even in our free time, you were just, you were on the phone, you were on your laptop. You would talk about your business. You were always talking shop. There was never anything else you had to talk about. We didn't do anything spontaneous. We never went and had adventures. It was just all one track. And she said, it got boring. Yeah. And said, wow, she was right. She was right. There was nothing I could argue with. And I realized something in that moment.

• 8:11Matthew Hussey?

  The thing that makes, that one quality can make you really attractive. Right?

• 8:18Matthew Hussey?

  But it won't keep someone. Can make you get the person. Right. It can make you sexy. It can make you intriguing. Mysterious. Right. But it can even, for a time, make someone worship or idolize you. One quality, but one quality will not hold someone. Because the reality was, there was a flip side to ambition, which would have made it eminently more attractive. And there are a few, right? Right. If you pair ambition, say, with An ability to enjoy life. Now that person is Really sexy. Super sexy. You you you combine ambition with a sense of spontaneity, for example. Adventure.

• 9:03Matthew Hussey?

  Very, very sexy. Yes. Ambition on its own is, when you look at it from afar, very, very attractive. You go, women will say, I want an ambitious man. I like that. But when they get up close, if it's only one side to a coin, it quickly becomes unattractive. The uh uh someone I'm a big fan of, unfortunately has passed, but Christopher Hitchens. He um he once said about love, the the challenges in not allowing your strengths to negate themselves. Wow. And that's a very powerful statement because my ambition was my greatest strength that also had the ability to be the thing that crippled me. Because what happens is when you get good at something and you get validation from it.

• 9:49Matthew Hussey?

  You want to keep doing it and get better at it. And it becomes, if you're not careful, a muscle that you that you train to the point of mutation. Mm hmm. And then every other part of you is is is not working, is i i i has atrophied. Yeah. So now you have a complete imbalance. It's like, you know, I remember working out at the gym once and my trainer, I was I was doing pull ups and was trying to work out my back. My back was fine. I could keep going. And then all of a sudden, my my forearms gave up while I was trying to pull myself up. And I said, this is so annoying. We're trying to work my back, but my fore and my back's fine, but my forearms have given up. Right. He said, you're only as strong as your weakest link. If your if your forearms aren't aren't there, you're not going to be able to train your back as well as you could. Yeah.

• 10:34Matthew Hussey?

  So so here's the the the point about this, which I find very interesting about dating, to your point of what's the biggest mistake people make. Apart from, of course, the entitlement, it's over reliance on a key strength that they have come to rely on as their source of validation, success, confidence. Right. Over reliance on that. I had come to over rely on essentially being ahead of the curve for my age. Yeah. That was like the thing that I was always based my confidence on was I am way ahead of the curve for people my age. My business is going great. Correct. The people I grew up with in my age group are not where I am.

• 11:19Matthew Hussey?

  Just are still living at home. But guess what? That alone is boring. Yeah. It's boring and it doesn't make an interesting rounded sexy person. The, but when you combine it with something else, it becomes what I call unique pairing. It's a bit like if I, if I wanted to really get a woman attracted tonight, not me, but like send a guy out to get a woman attracted. I could literally, if, if he went in and he was a little cocky and teasing, but in the right way, not arrogant, obnoxious, but just, he knew how to, he knew how to play with her. And then a couple of hours in later, you know, maybe it's getting late. He comes out of the restroom and after being teasing and

• 12:00Matthew Hussey?

  playful and silly, he says, you know what? It's getting late. Um, I called you a car.

• 12:07Matthew Hussey?

  I don't want you walking outside. And he says, I have to go as well. I have to get up early. He takes her outside. Um, he gives her a little kiss. He says, all jokes aside, I've had the best night with you tonight. I'll call you later this week. Puts her in the car, car drives away. That woman will be going, oh crap.

• 12:29Matthew Hussey?

  I like this guy. Now, the reason wasn't because he was a gentleman. And it wasn't because he was cocky and teasing. It was because he was both. Both of them, yeah. It's the and. If he does just one thing, it's not interesting enough. Cause you can replace the cocky guy like that. Women know that. Yes. They can go out tonight and meet a cocky guy in Hollywood any night of the week. They can go out the next, they don't even have to go out the next night. They can turn to their left and meet another one straight away. By the way, they, even though people complain about chivalry is dead, you can go out and meet a gentleman. You can go out and meet lots of nice guys. That's all they are.

• 13:04Matthew Hussey?

  Right. Incredibly boring. Women will never, they, they don't hold a woman, right? So, but now you find like what seems to be a good man, but with an edge. That's a unique pairing. Yes. And that's someone that becomes not an attraction, but an addiction. Oh. Uh, and there's a, and there's a, a big, big difference. So I, I believe that we will actually, I believe these pairings already exist within us, but we've overtrained certain muscles. We've overtrained certain qualities that we've gotten used to as habit. Yeah. Uh, for some people, it's being funny. Uh, for other people, it's being intellectual and they always, they're the person that knows everything about everything. They've read every book. They can always quote so and so.

• 13:46Matthew Hussey?

  Uh, for others, it's, uh, uh, being seductive. That's the thing they got really good at. So they're really good at, you know, getting someone into bed or, or, or getting someone sexually attracted, but they're never the person you want to eat pizza with the next day. You know, so it's like, it, it, it's finding those combinations that make you go, oh my God, the person I was with last night, they were this and they were this. It's the and. The and is where it's at. I wonder what else they could do. Exactly. And you're, and by the way, that's what makes it so hard. I, I say this to everybody. If you want to know why you found it so hard to get over a certain ex, look for the unique pairing. Oh, cause they had multiple things.

• 14:25Matthew Hussey?

  There was, there was some unique pairing that made you feel like they were difficult to replace. Oh. And, and that's what scares us. The more unique pairings you have, the more you become a rare bird in the dating marketplace. Right. Right? And, and when you become rare, people get really terrified of, of losing you. And that's. Always the case, whenever you think of someone you've lost and you think like your heart aches for having lost them.

• 14:49Lewis Howes?

  Like months and months.

• 14:51Matthew Hussey?

  Yeah, you, it's because you go, it's not because you go, they were good in bed. It's because you go, they were good in bed and they made me laugh like, like I never find that. Right. And I took them home and she was a sweetheart to my, like, there's, there's those moments where you go, God, I can't find this person again. And that terrifies you. So again, to be more positive about it, be the person that has the unique pairings that other people are terrified of losing.

• 15:17Lewis Howes?

  Yeah. You know, I like this because I feel like, well, I don't feel like, but the statistics show that the divorce rate is up higher than ever right now, right? Isn't it something like 50%?

• 15:29Matthew Hussey?

  I hear these, no, I, I hear 50% banded around. How accurate it is, I don't know.

• 15:34Lewis Howes?

  But it seems like people are getting married multiple times and they're easy to get out of relationships. They're, you know, and I'll speak for myself, and I am a lot of fears about long-term commitment. You know, most of my relationships are a year, maybe longer, but usually about a year. And then I'm like either bored or I get scared because I have my own walls and I still get to grow and learn.

• 15:57Matthew Hussey?

  For sure.

• 16:00Lewis Howes?

  I'm curious, why do you think so many people bail in relationships? And why do you think so many people are getting divorced more than ever now?

• 16:09Matthew Hussey?

  Oh, man, that's a big question. I, um,

• 16:15Matthew Hussey?

  well, there, I think there are a number of things. I can have a stab at this. I, I think firstly, there is less of a stigma now than there has ever been about divorce.

• 16:28Lewis Howes?

  It's okay now, right?

• 16:29Matthew Hussey?

  Right. No, you know, and it certainly there are parts of the world where it's not, and there are certain religions and cultures where it's not, but, but certainly less than ever.

• 16:38Lewis Howes?

  Sure. Let's speak in America at least.

• 16:39Matthew Hussey?

  Right. There's less of a stigma.

• 16:42Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 16:42Matthew Hussey?

  Uh, uh, about divorce. We don't feel like complete failures in the same way that we might once have, or we wouldn't have, there would have been a time where we would have been outcast from society for it. So there's that. Um, I think there's also a greater sense of entitlement these days where people feel like they're owed and uh, you know, marriage is you've met the right person. So it's supposed to all feel great. And when it doesn't feel great, and when it's not all working, there must be something wrong with this person, not with me, not with the amount of effort I'm investing into this relationship. There must be something wrong with this person. Ah, it turns out they're not the one after all. I thought they were, but they're not.

• 17:24Matthew Hussey?

  The search continues. So, so it, the entitlement has people believing that it, it shouldn't be effort. And, and that's a very dangerous way to think of relationships. It's very, if you really want to see who someone is in their relationship, um, talk to them about sex and, and passion and, and desire in their long-term relationship. And you'll get some very heated answers because some people will, will, uh, will say it's absolutely paramount. We, you know, you have to maintain that passion. You have to find new ways to excite each other. With me and my partner, we're always searching. We're always exploring each other. We're always trying to figure out like, what's going to turn you on tomorrow? What's the, like, how, how do I, how do I do something that's, that, that you didn't predict? Or

• 18:08Matthew Hussey?

  how do I get you to know me a little less so that you get desire again? You know, whatever it is. Other people, and I've had hosts on TV get very, very uptight and, and, and upset over this issue. And it's usually they're overplaying their hand when they do. They'll say, well, Matt, it's different. When you're in a marriage, when you're, when you have kids, when you're in those situations, it's different, right? You, you don't, you, you can't just think of it like that. You don't, Matt, think, other things become more important. And, and I always know who they are in their relationship when those things happen because it, people I think don't go into relationships with a healthy view of what is required over the long term. And what is required?

• 18:53Matthew Hussey?

  Well, there's a, there's a, there's a woman who is a, a great authority on this called Esther Perel. And she talks about the difference between love and desire. And I'm a big fan of her work and I think she articulates it very, very well. That in relationships, you have to have both love and desire. Love isn't enough. Love is the thing that makes me wanna get close to you when I, when I, when I feel things for you. I wanna know your mind. I wanna know everything there is to know about you. I wanna know what you're thinking. I wanna know what you're doing tonight. I wanna know who your friends are. I wanna become friends with them. I wanna get close to your mom. I want like, it's all these things. That's love. The desire to almost become merged.

• 19:34Matthew Hussey?

  But desire exists in the space between two people. So you feel desire when there's a void and when there's some mystery and when you're still getting to know someone. So desire ironically is the thing that ends up creating love. Because desire is like, I wanna get close to you because I don't have you. And then when I get close, we feel feelings of love, but not desire now.

• 19:59Lewis Howes?

  In this section, Esther Perel shares why it's so crucial for values with your partner to match. And what happens when they don't match up? How many values in common do you need to have with your partner? Life partner? Because.

• 20:14Esther Perel?

  The important ones. It's not how many, but there are a few of them that are really, that are really important.

• 20:20Lewis Howes?

  Which ones? Would you say? That make or break based on your experience?

• 20:25Esther Perel?

  I think, I'm not gonna say them in order of importance, but one of them that really matters is your relationship to others. If you are a person that values relationships, that sees the presence of others in your life as central. And you are with somebody who does not want community or does not know how, I mean, I'm talking not about what they would like to learn through you. But their value is you do things alone, you live alone, you rely on yourself. You know, you don't bring people over to the house. I have a couple I just spoke with yesterday, you know? And he loves to have people over and she just, nobody should come ever to the house.

• 21:10Lewis Howes?

  He wants her space.

• 21:11Esther Perel?

  Her space, the whole thing. And I'm thinking, wow, this is a tough one. It's not just about the house. It's his whole life is about being with people. And her whole life is about not being with people necessarily. That's not how she experiences it. Now the question is. Is she drawn to more of what he has to offer? And is he drawn to more of what she? If these are totally... Then, then, okay, it's different values come together and they, they mix and match. But if you have these two separations like that. So that's one. One of the beautiful questions I ask in How Is Work? Is, um, were you raised for autonomy? Or were you raised for loyalty? Were you raised for self-reliance?

• 21:55Esther Perel?

  Or were you raised for interdependence? Which one would you say?

• 22:00Lewis Howes?

  For me, was that self-reliance meaning what?

• 22:03Esther Perel?

  You have, nobody will ever help you as well as you can help yourself. You only have yourself to count on. Don't trust people. You're on your own, buddy.

• 22:13Lewis Howes?

  Or raised for loyalty?

• 22:15Esther Perel?

  Interdependence, loyalty. You're never alone. There's people around you. You owe others, others are there for you. Relationships is what makes you.

• 22:26Lewis Howes?

  I think it was both. Based on like circumstances.

• 22:29Esther Perel?

  Correct. The circumstances made you reliable because you were alone with mom. But the messaging was, you have me.

• 22:37Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, yeah, of course.

• 22:38Esther Perel?

  Okay.

• 22:38Lewis Howes?

  So I think both.

• 22:39Esther Perel?

  I think that question is a fundamentally interesting question.

• 22:44Lewis Howes?

  Okay.

• 22:44Esther Perel?

  That people can ask themselves when they partner in business? And in love?

• 22:51Lewis Howes?

  Raised for self-reliance or loyalty?

• 22:53Esther Perel?

  Yeah.

• 22:55Lewis Howes?

  Okay.

• 22:56Esther Perel?

  Interdependence. Are you part, do you see yourself as connected to others? And it's your connections? That give you a sense of anchoring, meaning, relevance, importance, it's all of that? Or do you see yourself as fundamentally on your own? I think travel, curiosity. You often will have a complementarity between one person who is curious and eager to discover and goes on, you know, and then another person. Your question about...

• 23:25Lewis Howes?

  Who wants to be alone or doesn't want to travel?

• 23:27Esther Perel?

  Doesn't want, but it's also likes comfort, likes repetition, likes the familiar. Um, I think the religious values. If you have a person who, who, you know, those, those matter a great deal. Children, do you want family or do you not want family? If you, you know, if you want a family, then make sure that you find someone who wants a family. What are you, what are you gonna do? Try to convince them, you know? Now, I don't think you have to have the same values on everything. I think you have to have a similar outlook on life.

• 24:01Lewis Howes?

  Which is?

• 24:03Esther Perel?

  A vision, like exactly the same as when you, a vision. Do you, you know, do you want to own a home? Do you think that economic achievement is important? Do you want to live in an extended family? You think that living intergenerationally really is important? And you have somebody else who says, you know, I don't want your parents over. You know, do you, do you want to live in more than one place? You know, I think these are essential, you know, money, feelings or emotions,

• 24:46Esther Perel?

  religious beliefs, attitude toward life.

• 24:54Esther Perel?

  It's not a specific value about something. It's, a value is a cluster of things. It's a cluster of importance, of systems of meanings. That's a value.

• 25:04Lewis Howes?

  And you may not find someone with everything is the same, but someone with a similar mindset, what you're saying.

• 25:10Esther Perel?

  I met a husband of mine, with whom I am for more than three decades, who had never left the US when I met him.

• 25:18Lewis Howes?

  Really?

• 25:19Esther Perel?

  I never knew such a person existed. Coming from Europe, that was unheard of for us. No, he lived in the States. He was American. I came from Europe. In Europe, you travel everywhere all the time, even if you have nothing. You work one month, you get the money, and then you go to the next country, which is two hours away. I so I

• 25:39Lewis Howes?

  He had traveled outside of the US.

• 25:40Esther Perel?

  He had never been outside of the US. Well, he will always tell me he's been to the Virgin Islands.

• 25:44Lewis Howes?

  Okay.

• 25:45Esther Perel?

  But, you know, for the rest, and I thought, oh, my God, how does one, you know, who is such a person? But I knew it was because of the circumstances of his life and that if he could, he would, and he was intensely curious. If you just said, oh, he's never traveled, then you misinterpret. You don't want to just look at the manifest thing of, you know, you want to say, and behind this, is there someone who would actually like that? Who just hasn't had the opportunity and is curious and just says, let's go. So don't get fooled just by what you see. Find out what is the belief behind it, the aspiration, the longing, the interest, and then you get a sense of what is the value.

• 26:27Lewis Howes?

  Do you think it's, I want to go back to expectation. Do you feel like we should lower or should diversify expectations? Or what did you say the word was?

• 26:37Esther Perel?

  Calibrate.

• 26:38Lewis Howes?

  Calibrate expectations? Or should we be finding someone that can reach that expectation that we want?

• 26:45Esther Perel?

  No, I think it's

• 26:46Lewis Howes?

  You think it's just impossible?

• 26:47Esther Perel?

  I think you need to calibrate.

• 26:49Lewis Howes?

  Calibrate, always calibrate too.

• 26:51Esther Perel?

  You calibrate, you constantly will be disappointed. Do you know a single relationship where you haven't been disappointed? Okay, I mean disappointment is which can lead to suffering, is part of a relationship. The minute you have a relationship, you have an expectation. That expectation means that you want something. Love, closeness, intimacy, partnership, you know, business affiliation, you name it, creates dependence. The moment you have an attachment, you have dependence. That dependence means that you have power. Or I have power. If I expect something from you, I confer power on you. You have power over me, I have power over you.

• 27:35Esther Perel?

  By definition, there will be moments when that power doesn't go in the direction that I want.

• 27:40Lewis Howes?

  And I'll be disappointed.

• 27:41Esther Perel?

  I'll be disappointed. Is there a single child that didn't have a disappointment from their parents? It doesn't exist. This idyllic thing you're talking about, it doesn't exist. The next thing is, what do you do with that disappointment? Hey, can I come tell you, I'm really disappointed. You let me down. I thought we were in this together. I trusted you. And you say, I see your point. Or do you say, what the hell are you talking about? You're just inventing this. You're delusional. None of the, you know, and everything in between. That's how you do a relationship. It's really based on the repair. It's not based on the...

• 28:17Lewis Howes?

  It's how we heal the disappointment.

• 28:18Esther Perel?

  Yes. It's how you repair all these breaches, moment by moment. You come back, you know, and the repair is not, I am so sorry. You prepare me sometimes be, hey, do you want a glass of water? Or, hey, did you see this article in the newspaper? John Goodman has this very interesting thing about that. He says the repair is not that you come and you do a mea culpa, is that you do what he calls bids for connection. You show the other that they still matter. I brought a newspaper in, at a time when we still had newspapers. That was one of his examples. You know, I brought a paper in. Like, I think of you. I'm pissed at you. You just annoyed me. We just had a spat. But I, but you're still...

• 28:57Lewis Howes?

  I still care about you.

• 28:58Esther Perel?

  I still care. You're still in my life.

• 28:59Lewis Howes?

  I still respect you. So it's how we repair disappointment on a daily or weekly or monthly basis?

• 29:04Esther Perel?

  Minutes sometimes.

• 29:05Lewis Howes?

  Is the, is the, the success of the relationship.

• 29:08Esther Perel?

  And that means also how you come and you say, you take responsibility? Yes. I think, I actually think that taking responsibility is the ultimate freedom.

• 29:17Lewis Howes?

  Really?

• 29:18Esther Perel?

  I've, I messed up. I shouldn't have done this. You know, can I do that? You know, it really is being accountable.

• 29:26Lewis Howes?

  What if you're...

• 29:27Esther Perel?

  Instead of blaming the other.

• 29:28Lewis Howes?

  What if, what if it actually in that moment wasn't your fault?

• 29:30Esther Perel?

  Doesn't matter. It was, you don't have to agree with anything. I didn't mean to. It wasn't my intention.

• 29:36Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 29:38Esther Perel?

  It's, you know, we are going to slip a lot. But it's about just saying it. And for that, you have to, it's about saying it. And for that, you have to be able to see that you're a flawed person. Who can be accountable without that becoming a major source of shame and I'm terrible. It's a different thing between saying I messed up and I messed up.

• 30:01Lewis Howes?

  How, I like this distinction. How do we in our mind, because I think in the past, relationships, when I messed up in a small term, right, like a disappointment, a small disappointment, feeling, saying like I'm sorry, or saying, taking responsibility, or saying, you know, it was my fault.

• 30:20Esther Perel?

  Well, it's like a humiliation.

• 30:21Lewis Howes?

  Well, it's more like, look at, when I'm like,

• 30:24Esther Perel?

  Why shall I?

• 30:25Lewis Howes?

  No, it's more like, here's all the actions I'm doing right.

• 30:28Esther Perel?

  Right.

• 30:29Lewis Howes?

  Today I've done this, which was an expectation, and I've done that, and I took the trash out, or whatever, I'm just, and I, you know, did something kind to you, and I wrote a note, and I did this, and I took us to dinner. I did all these things well today, but I messed up on this one thing. So for me, I used to say to myself like, gosh, but can't you see the whole picture of like all the good things I'm doing? Why do I need to be an hour conversation about like one small thing? That's what I used to feel like. And do you feel like we should just be saying, you know what, take responsibility anyways for those moments, even if you're doing lots of good things? You know what I mean?

• 31:03Esther Perel?

  Yes.

• 31:03Lewis Howes?

  I'm not a perfect human being, you know, it's like, I might slip.

• 31:09Esther Perel?

  The story is told by you.

• 31:11Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 31:13Esther Perel?

  The other person is the one that needs to take, to tell you about all the good things that you've done.

• 31:20Esther Perel?

  You felt, I do all of this, I do one thing wrong, and now I have to go into the dark pit.

• 31:25Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 31:26Esther Perel?

  You know, but that's because you had a partner who did not enough tell you about all the good things you did.

• 31:31Lewis Howes?

  This is about me.

• 31:33Esther Perel?

  If you are in a relationship, you need that other person to acknowledge all of the positive stuff, so that when you have to say something about the moment where you messed up, you don't feel like. You know, this is an endless chore.

• 31:46Lewis Howes?

  Well, I think, yeah, exactly. Or I think it's more like, okay, if you're gonna acknowledge one thing that I didn't do, at least acknowledge something of the thing I did do, right?

• 31:55Esther Perel?

  That it's not at least, it's a must.

• 31:57Lewis Howes?

  It's a must.

• 31:58Esther Perel?

  It's a must.

• 31:58Lewis Howes?

  It's not bad if I, I shouldn't be needing that, or I shouldn't be complaining.

• 32:03Esther Perel?

  You should need it. You should need it. You totally should need it.

• 32:06Lewis Howes?

  Got you. Don't only acknowledge the bad, also acknowledge the good.

• 32:09Esther Perel?

  Not also. It's, it's, it's a must. It's a mandate. You know, what happens sometimes in distressed relationships, because you were in a distressed relationship at that moment, and this is true, you can directly take this into the workplace. In a distressed relationship, the tendency is to highlight the negative and disregard the positive. The positive is just a given. The negative will make a big deal out of it. So the one thing you didn't do becomes the whole conversation. And then what does that person do? Of course, that person says, but you disregard all the other stuff.

• 32:47Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 32:48Esther Perel?

  And rightly so, because it has been disregarded. In a distressed relationship, the positive, you know, if we get there on time, it's because there was no traffic. And if we get there late, it's because of you. The good is chance, the bad is attributed to you. Or in a different version of that is what we call negative attribution error. If I am in a bad mood, it's because I had a bad day. But if you're in a bad mood, it's because you're a nasty person who is always so cantankerous.

• 33:16Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 33:17Esther Perel?

  Mine is circumstantial, yours is characterological. So when you'd say, I was in a relationship in which, when I did one thing bad, it was so overblown, and I felt like everything else was being disregarded, that's a sign of a distressed relationship in and of itself.

• 33:34Lewis Howes?

  Interesting.

• 33:36Esther Perel?

  The fact that you, because in a normal relationship, somebody else says, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. Then you finally don't do something, he says, oh, I really messed up there. I forgot, sorry. It's not such a big deal.

• 33:48Lewis Howes?

  Okay.

• 33:48Esther Perel?

  Because you are seen for the whole person. If you have to make a speech about you should see the whole person, you're not in a good relationship.

• 33:55Lewis Howes?

  Ah, there you go. Okay.

• 33:57Esther Perel?

  Or you're not in, the dynamic in your relationship is not a good one. No, that's, that, that in itself is a sign of a bad dynamic.

• 34:04Lewis Howes?

  Gotcha, gotcha.

• 34:04Esther Perel?

  You shouldn't have to say this.

• 34:05Lewis Howes?

  So I wasn't crazy. Okay, gotcha.

• 34:07Esther Perel?

  No.

• 34:07Lewis Howes?

  Okay, gotcha.

• 34:08Esther Perel?

  No. And the interesting thing about this is how much it applies at home and the same thing happens at work.

• 34:19Lewis Howes?

  In this section, we have Devon Franklin, who's breaking down the difference between love and lust in a world where dating has become more complicated than ever and how it's crucial that discipline is developed for a committed relationship. Like a lot of people are stressed out more than ever today of, first, finding a partner, dating is just stressful for people. Then when you're in a relationship, okay, what about marriage? And then when you're married, how do you stay happily married? Then when you get divorced, you say, well, I'm a failure. The last 10, 20 years, I've been a failure. This was all for nothing. What's wrong with me? And I have to repeat the cycle. How do I find the right person? Yeah. And I think it's stressful because there's so many options in today's world.

• 35:03Lewis Howes?

  With social media, there's so many options. Everything looks yummy. Everything looks tasty. Yep. Everything looks exciting. Yep. Fresh and new and interesting. So this is what I loved about this. You've got these questions on the back. I just want to read some of them. Okay. Some are for women and some are for men. And I think I want to talk about men first because you see these questions. Men, have you ever asked yourself,

• 35:30Lewis Howes?

  why does one woman not seem to be enough? Why does one woman not seem to be enough? Why can't I ever be satisfied? And will I ever find peace? These last three questions, I feel like resonate with a lot of men. Yes. And I've asked myself those questions in previous, in previous relationships. Yeah. And, and also being single at different times. And I'm curious, you know, why does it seem like a struggle for so many men to be okay with one relationship?

• 35:58Speaker 03

  Yeah, you know, I mean, listen, this is really-

• 36:00Lewis Howes?

  Especially today.

• 36:01Speaker 03

  Totally. I mean, today is, like you said, it makes it even harder because, really because of just the popularity of social media. I mean, honestly, I mean, I would say that that's what's kind of amplified the challenge. The challenge has always been there, but I think with social media, I mean, it really takes that challenge to another level for any man. And so, one of the reasons why I wrote the book is to help articulate and hopefully answer some of these questions. And so, why I believe that it's really hard for one man to be comfortable sometimes with just one woman. It comes down to me to what the book is really about, which is love. You know, and I believe that love is selfless, you know, love is sacrificial. And it's not, it's not just love of self, it's love of the woman in our life, love of family, love of our call and love of our destiny.

• 36:42Speaker 03

  So, as men, we're never really taught to feed or cultivate love. What are we taught to feed or cultivate? Lust.

• 36:50Lewis Howes?

  Sex.

• 36:51Speaker 03

  Yeah. So, so to me, the two things that war within a man are love and lust. And I, I define lust as a selfish impulse for personal, professional, financial, or sexual fulfillment by any means necessary, even if those means are detrimental. We live in a culture that almost feeds on the lust in men and, and also encourages us as men to feed on that. So, what does that look like?

• 37:13Lewis Howes?

  With the media promoting just half naked women everywhere.

• 37:16Speaker 03

  Everywhere, everywhere.

• 37:17Lewis Howes?

  Sex everywhere.

• 37:18Speaker 03

  And it's okay, as, as boys, boys will be boys, right? That's what, that's what you're supposed to do. You're supposed to date, you know, one, don't even worry about one, have multiple. That's what we're taught as men growing up, that the more, the better. So, in a dating sense, what happens is if our appetite grows to such a place where we're not feeding the love, we're feeding the lust. What is lust? Lust is selfish. It wants what it wants, whenever it wants it, however it wants it. So, as men, especially as single men, when you're in a situation where that's what you feed constantly, that's what's going to be the strongest. And so, when it comes to a world where things are not on your terms- That almost feels like a foreign experience.

• 37:54Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 37:54Speaker 03

  Because you've cultivated an appetite where the more women, the better. And guess what? If this woman doesn't suit my, what I want, I just get rid of her. I move on to the next. And so what happens is as men, we, we sometimes consciously and subconsciously allow that lust to run and potentially ruin our life.

• 38:12Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 38:13Speaker 03

  And so when a man decides, you know what? I wanna, uh, you know, I wanna get married. I wanna get serious. I wanna get committed. Saying I do is not a magic wand. So if you go from having no discipline in your dating life, no discipline in your sex life, you've had as much as you could possibly stomach, you've had as much, many women as you could possibly have, and then you meet the one that really captures your heart, she taps into the love inside. But be prior to her, and even sometimes with her, you have not practiced discipline as a man. When you say I do, there's nothing magical that happens on the other side of it. So if you have an appetite and you have no discipline, ma- marriage doesn't just automatically give discipline. So why does it become hard for men to just commit to one because they never had much practice with it?

• 38:55Speaker 03

  And I believe that, you know, if we date better, uh, we marry better. If we marry better, we family better. If we family better, we parent better. If we parent better, we community better, right? So it all goes back to how we date. And if there's no discipline there as a man, we're setting ourselves up for a massive challenge. It doesn't mean we cannot be successful. We can. But sometimes as a man, we think, why is one not enough? Because we've been conditioned to more. And so the idea of just one becomes foreign.

• 39:22Lewis Howes?

  Drop the mic. It's just ending right here. It's ending right here. So how do you know, what's the right way to date someone? Let me ask this question first. When, when you're in a relationship.

• 39:33Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 39:34Lewis Howes?

  And you say, you know what? I'm gonna be disciplined. I'm gonna work hard at this. Even when you know it's not the right fit, you've put in time, you know, six months, a year, two years, and you're like, you know what? I'm just gonna keep going and make it better. I'm gonna try my best to, to cultivate the love. But for some reason, that relationship you know deep down, isn't the one. And you say goodbye to that relationship. Is that you just saying, well, on to the next. There's another option out there. How do you know when it is the right one?

• 40:01Speaker 03

  Well, that's a good question. I think a couple of things. One, when you're in a situation, the one, the premise of the book as it relates to love is really we gotta start telling the truth. And a lot of times, especially in a relationship sense, it becomes a place where we tell the least truth.

• 40:15Lewis Howes?

  You hide the truth.

• 40:16Speaker 03

  You hide the truth.

• 40:17Lewis Howes?

  Cause you don't wanna hurt someone.

• 40:18Speaker 03

  You don't wanna hurt someone. You may have feelings or thoughts, you may have things. And also you, sometimes in a relationship, you can be afraid. If I tell this person the truth, it doesn't even mean the truth that I'm not into them. It could be like, I'm really into you. Or it could be like, here's some things I'm thinking about. The question sometimes is where the fear comes in is judgment. If I tell this person my truth, will they judge me? Will they still like me? Will they still love me? Will they still, you know, be there for me? And so a lot of times, whether you're a man or a woman in a relationship, you bring that fear into it. And so as a result, sometimes that fear works against being truthful. So a lot of times in a relationship, you're more truthful with people outside the relationship than you are with the person in the relationship.

• 40:54Lewis Howes?

  Telling other people outside, everything is happening.

• 40:56Speaker 03

  Everything is, you know, and you're not telling your partner. And this is why as men and women, we've gotta start communicating with one another instead of at one another. And so I really wanted to write this book to help foster more truth. So the point you're bringing up, if you're in a situation where you're with somebody and you're not sure it's the right fit, here is the number one way to begin to identify if it is operating in lust or if you're operating in love, it's peace. You know, you're, our peace.

• 41:20Lewis Howes?

  You feel peace.

• 41:21Speaker 03

  That's right. Our peace is the strongest barometer. It's our compass. So it tells us we're going in the right direction. We're going with the right person in the right direction. Or you know what? I'm going in the right direction, but something about, doesn't feel like this is the person that's supposed to go with me. Right? It's really about peace. That's where I, I, and everyone has the opportunity to define what that means for them. But to me, that's a great way to identify, is this the right person I'm dealing with? So then let's just say, let's say you don't have peace. The truth is, I need to tell that person as soon as possible. Here's what, here's what I'm really going through. Here's why, especially as a man.

• 41:56Lewis Howes?

  Soon, don't wait three months, six months.

• 41:58Speaker 03

  Why? Because here's what happens. As a man, the moment you start to know, mm, this ain't it. I don't, mm, this ain't it. Here's what happens, the more you do not tell her the truth about how you're feeling, either she gonna cry now, she gonna cry later. And when she cries later, she's you've inflicted more pain. I believe as a man, we we're gonna be one of two men, men that heal pain or inflict pain. Wow. And that truth, as hard as it may be, and as much as she may not wanna hear it, it's better for her to hear it early on, before she can have more emotional investment, than to hear it later, and you knew six months ago you were out of there. Yeah. Part of telling the truth is to say, listen, I love you, I can't, when I operate in love, I put someone else's needs over my needs.

• 42:42Speaker 03

  I'm thinking about someone else's thoughts, even sometimes before my thoughts, someone else's well-being. So in a dating sense, as a man, you're like, hey, I need you to know what I'm really feeling here, um, so that we can just have an honest conversation, like, I don't wanna feel this way, I don't know why I'm feeling this way, but, you know, some, I don't know if this is just the right fit, and I don't, you know, and and and do your best to articulate that. It's better to put it all out on the table. Yeah. Then, there you go, six months later, seven months later, something happens, and then we, and then sometimes, I've been there when I was single. You wait for something to happen, then to use that as an excuse. To say, oh, well, it's cuz this happened. Well, no, that's not because that. Cuz if there was really love, and there was a long-term plan there, you could work through that, right? But too often, I feel like as men, we hold on to what we think, and I think women do that too,

• 43:26Speaker 03

  cuz they're afraid. So I think when you go into this idea of like, okay, well, how do you date in love? How do you date in mastery? It doesn't mean you can't explore, doesn't mean you can't find the right fit. This is all about a journey. So love, when you're trying to find compatibility, you're you're searching, right? We're all, we all find that journey. However, it's dating with more intent. It's dating with more intent. So what does that look like? It looks like, you know, and again, this is just what I believe will help us as men, especially in a dating sense, um, think beyond sex. Mm-hmm. Think beyond sex. How do you teach men to do that when that's all they've been conditioned to think? Well, here's how. Because again, instead of looking at that woman as an object for your pleasure, Mm-hmm. look at her as an individual. Look at her as someone's sister, someone's mother, someone's daughter, someone's friend.

• 44:11Speaker 03

  Humanize her in your mind. It doesn't mean, listen, if you, you know, choose not to wait until marriage to have sex with that person, that's that's your business. But so often, men look at women first as a sexual object, not as an individual. And as a result, when a woman, most of the time, says, hey, you know what, I don't wanna have sex, you know, or I wanna wait, or whatever, a lot of men say, all right, well, I'm moving on to the next. If a woman does not want to have sex or share her body with you because she does not trust you, she does not know you, she does not love you, that's a sign of a great woman. Not a woman that should be discarded. And so as a man, when you're single and you're discarding women because they don't want to share their body, that's a warning sign to me. About you as a man. That's right. What's going on with you, bro?

• 44:53Speaker 03

  Why are you on such a path for personal selfish lustful fulfillment? That you are discarding potential women that could help make the difference in a positive way in your life? Wow. So for any man, it's about, hey, let me look in the mirror for a minute and just stop. Why? Because look at what's going on in the world. There's so much news about, you know, the challenges that men are facing. And why are so many men facing all these challenges? Because I believe most men have given themselves over to lust. They've given themselves over to this selfish fulfillment. Where they want what they want, whenever they want it, however they want it. And as a result, they become the sum total of what that lust makes them. So as a man, no man can turn a blind eye towards what's going on with men in the world.

• 45:34Speaker 03

  So if anything, allow what we're seeing in the world to then be a motivator for every individual man. Who do I want to be? Am I inadvertently living in a way where I may meet the same fate? Of some of the same men that I'm seeing in the world? Right? Because it's not like, oh, point the finger, oh, look at them, oh, I would never become that. Wait a minute, the moment any of us as men say, oh, I would never. You might. Set the watch, right? Because all of us have the same struggle. All of us struggle between love and lust. And the issue is getting control, getting discipline, getting mastery to the degree where I don't believe we could ever eradicate lust. I don't believe that. And that's a truth most women don't want to hear, right? But I believe that is the truth.

• 46:17Speaker 03

  Lust is in every man, no matter who that man is, no matter what. How faithful you are. No matter how faithful, it's there. It's not even a reflection of the woman in his life at all. However, as men, when we learn to get control of it, when we learn to put love in control of lust, that's when we position ourselves to not allow that lust to destroy us.

• 46:37Lewis Howes?

  Couple of things I want to ask from this.

• 46:38Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 46:39Lewis Howes?

  You are a successful man in Hollywood. You've been married for how long now?

• 46:44Speaker 03

  Seven years.

• 46:45Lewis Howes?

  Seven years. Two-part question. The first part is, do you know any successful men in Hollywood? Who are not married and who have multiple partners? Do you see any of them that are successful in their career, but also have that inner peace? That you talked about a few minutes ago?

• 47:07Speaker 03

  I don't see many successful men that that would live, are living according to what you, how you just outlined? That are, that have the peace.

• 47:16Lewis Howes?

  They might have the fun.

• 47:17Speaker 03

  They have, they have the fun, they have the money, the position.

• 47:19Lewis Howes?

  All the girls.

• 47:20Speaker 03

  All of that, but I would not say that the men that fit the description that I've been privy have that peace. Where there's just a sense of, of like, okay, you know what? I'm cool. I'm competent. I'm here. This is what it is. A lot of times, and I believe that if any man is really honest with themselves, I don't believe the more women you have, the more peace you get.

• 47:38Lewis Howes?

  More chaos.

• 47:40Speaker 03

  More chaos. Think about it. You know, it's like, as a man, at the end of our life, when you think about how much time you spend, you know, with, with women, chasing women, spending money on all those things, you gotta ask yourself, what, what do we have to show for it? You know, and so for me, prior to getting married, I had to ask the same question. What do I have to show for all this? And I wasn't like when I, Megan and I started dating, that I was like, all of a sudden, ready to get married. I wasn't. But what I did was, a friend of mine encouraged me, don't be afraid. Don't allow your fear to mess this up.

• 48:09Lewis Howes?

  Afraid of what? Commitment?

• 48:10Speaker 03

  Commitment, marriage, all of it.

• 48:12Lewis Howes?

  Committed.

• 48:12Speaker 03

  The unknown.

• 48:13Lewis Howes?

  You were dating other girls before then?

• 48:15Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 48:15Lewis Howes?

  You were having fun?

• 48:16Speaker 03

  You know, yeah, but I was dating with intention. You know, I was dating saying, hey, yo, here's where I am in life. Here's what I'm, I'm looking to do, so that there was no lack of clarity with anyone that was dating me where I was. You know, and I talk about this in the book. It's so important. I'll talk about for the, the male side and the female side. For men, it's important. Because what happens is lust makes us a part-time manipulator. In a single sense.

• 48:39Lewis Howes?

  What does that mean?

• 48:39Speaker 03

  What does that mean? It means that you're dating multiple women.

• 48:44Speaker 03

  Those women don't really know that there's as many other women as there are. And they don't even know that you're not as serious as you seem to be when you're with them.

• 48:52Lewis Howes?

  Because your intention is for sexual desire.

• 48:55Speaker 03

  Sexual desire, companionship in that moment, whatever your pleasure is.

• 48:58Lewis Howes?

  Not for long term.

• 48:59Speaker 03

  There's no long term and at the same time, there's no regard for their real feelings. It's like, this is a woman that I may date on Tuesday, here's someone I may date on Thursday, here's a woman I may date on Saturday night. And none of them really know the other one exists. So that's what I mean about not dating with intention. So when you're dating with intention, you're letting everybody know, listen, here's where I am, here's what I'm doing, very, very important. As a man, I encourage any single man to, if you really want to get, become successful in life. And success to me is nothing to do with what happens in the world. Success is to me, peace.

• 49:31Lewis Howes?

  The inner world.

• 49:32Speaker 03

  It's the inner world. Success is, who is the person that looks back into the mirror? And, and there is where success starts and where it stops. We see a lot of men who have, uh, public success, but no personal success.

• 49:43Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 49:43Speaker 03

  And there used to be a time where that was okay, but now, real success starts, you know, with who's looking back in the mirror. So I would ask any man, if you are finding yourself dating multiple women for multiple women's sake, why? Ask yourself that, ask the question, why are you doing it? And what is the real value that you're getting out of it? Do you find yourself with this unsatisfactory appetite? That no one person can ever quench, and as a result, there's no peace within your spirit. Super important. The second part of that is that if you find yourself saying, hey, you know what? I am going to get more disciplined here, but I still want to explore. Okay, explore with intention. Let the woman know what your intentions are. So then they, as an adult, can make the decision if they want to engage with you. That to me, is what real honesty and transparency looks like.

• 50:28Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 50:28Speaker 03

  Now for a woman, if you're dating a man, you've got to get out of the gray area. You've got to get out of the gray area. And what does this mean?

• 50:35Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 50:35Speaker 03

  That's right, but that gray area is the area where you are most liable. Because in a relationship sense, the one who has the knowledge, the most knowledge, has the most power. And a lot of times, men have more power because they know what they're really serious about and what they're not. And the woman that they're dealing with does not know. That's a gray area. He may text you all the time. He may talk to you all the time. You may go out on a date. You may have met his parents, but never has he told you we're together.

• 50:59Lewis Howes?

  Right. Or he's thinking about the commitment.

• 51:02Speaker 03

  That's right. And so for a woman in that situation, she's in a gray area. And I encourage her in the book, you gotta get out of the gray. You gotta ask clear, direct questions, wait for clear, direct answers, so that the man that you're dealing with, you get a sense of, are you, are you dating anyone else? Are we committed? Are we exclusive? What are your plans? Where are you going? Don't be afraid to ask the questions. Because so often, when women come to me for advice, they're afraid, well, what if I ask him these questions and he leaves? Well, he was gonna leave anyway.

• 51:29Lewis Howes?

  That's good.

• 51:29Speaker 03

  That's great. That's great.

• 51:31Lewis Howes?

  I mean, here's the thing. I've, I've dated women in the past who, they're almost so honest in the beginning. It's like, oh my gosh. You're like pushing me away because I'm like, this is not where I'm at in my life. Like you're talking about kids in the first five minutes. I'm like, I just wanna have fun right now. But then there's other women who are that honest where you're like, wow, I'm actually really interested in you. I'm, this is kinda scary that you're so honest.

• 51:54Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 51:54Lewis Howes?

  But I'm gonna like keep exploring because I like you and I'm that interested in you and I wanna learn more.

• 51:59Speaker 03

  Yeah, no, I.

• 52:00Lewis Howes?

  I think the more honest you are in the beginning, maybe you don't have to say in five minutes, five minutes, I wanna have five kids. But I think almost the more truthful you can be earlier on, the better. Because you can start to eliminate those people or know exactly where they're gonna be at.

• 52:13Speaker 03

  Well, yeah, you, you get a better sense of what's what. And I also encourage women, I, I, you know, I say, listen,

• 52:19Speaker 03

  have an observation period in dating.

• 52:22Lewis Howes?

  What's that mean?

• 52:22Speaker 03

  Meaning, don't just rush into when you're dating somebody, telling this particular man, all of the stuff you want, all the, like, you don't even know if you're gonna like this person.

• 52:32Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 52:33Speaker 03

  And sometimes it's like, just on that, like you said, on that first date, they're like telling, oh, here's what I wanna do, da, da, da. No, no, no, no. Observe. See if this man is even worthy of knowing what you think.

• 52:45Speaker 03

  See if this man is even worthy of knowing your plans and what you how you see your future. How will you know if he's worthy of knowing? Because you're gonna spend time, you're gonna evaluate, you're gonna see who he is. And this is why, listen, I know in this modern world, what I'm getting ready to say is just uncommon, but I don't care. Let's hear it. I'm gonna say it. This is why, this is why it's so important. As long, I'd say in this book, like I believe it's important to wait until marriage for sex, but most people aren't gonna do that. I say in this book, at least wait until you're in a trusted, committing, loving relationship before you have sex. Why? Because when you have sex with someone and you do not know them and you do not trust them, it becomes hard to really get clear on who they are and what they're about.

• 53:27Speaker 03

  So important. So as a woman, I'm like, listen, if I was a woman and I was dating, oh, you ain't getting nothing from me. Why? Because I don't know you. I was at, I was at a Facebook, um, uh, on the book tour. And this woman asked me a question and during our Q and A. And so I said this to her man and she said, she was asking me a question about sex and whatnot. And I said, okay, I said, so let me just give you an analogy. Let me, okay, how many women in the audience, after a month of dating, a guy, would you give him the code to your phone? The code to your passcode? Yeah, and most of them said, oh, no, there's no way. Are you kidding me? I said, okay, now listen, I'm not trying to get in your business. I'm not gonna judge you. I said, but in that same period of time, in previous relationships,

• 54:10Speaker 03

  how many of you in that same period of time have already given him your body? Ninety percent. I mean, so if, if you don't trust him enough to give him the code to your phone, why would you give him your body? Wow. So this is when, you know, when you don't give a man your body, right? It gives you a better opportunity to observe and evaluate, what does he really want? Is he even really interested potentially in who I am, what I think? Or is he just interested in what my body can give him? That's what I say about an observation period. So that you can really see who this man is, what he's about, and really where he's going. And I believe that women have a lot more power in dating than they realize. But a lot of times, they give it away.

• 54:52Lewis Howes?

  So much power.

• 54:53Speaker 03

  But they give it away. They give it away to men. You know, like, oh, yo, it's like, no, no, hold on to that power. Evaluate, make decisions. Even if you want to be in a relationship super bad, don't allow your flesh and your desire to then make you so desperate that you lower your standard to the degree where you're allowing men entry into your life that really are not qualified for sex.

• 55:15Lewis Howes?

  What if the woman just wants to have fun and they're not looking for a committed relationship either, then?

• 55:20Speaker 03

  You know what, listen, I'm not going to judge what consenting adults want to do. If that's her point of view, that's her point of view. You know, and that just is what it is. And at a certain point, you know, when she's doing the same thing and wants a different result, it'll require looking at what she's doing to get the result. Same for any man. You know, when any man gets to a place where he's like, you know, I keep doing the same thing, I get a different result, they have to change what I'm doing.

• 55:40Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, I might be having fun, but I feel soulless inside. Or I feel like I'm not having true intimacy, or...

• 55:46Speaker 03

  Yeah, exactly.

• 55:49Lewis Howes?

  In this section, we have Dr. Shafali, who breaks down how to make sure you're not in the wrong type of relationship, and then dives into the conversations you should be having with a partner to know if it's going to last or not. And Dr. Shafali is all about breaking through old conventional ways of dating, so I really think you'll enjoy this.

• 56:08Speaker 04

  If we need for love and worth, and we're constantly saying, do you see me? Do you love me? Do you know me? Do you validate me? Do I have permission to exist? Then that is the fuel for all our behavior. So we can't see. We're hungry. When you're hungry, you know how cranky you are. You can't really think straight. Your brain is fogged up. Our brain is fogged up with unworthiness. We can't see straight. So the first thing we have to do is understand unworthiness is fueling it, not real love. That's a hard lesson.

• 56:39Speaker 03

  Oh, man.

• 56:39Speaker 04

  Yes. Need, not love. I tell so many couples, you need her. I don't know whether you love her yet. And they're like, yes, I do.

• 56:50Lewis Howes?

  When someone is feeling that in a relationship, they need to feel worthy by this person, or they need to feel worthy in a relationship in general?

• 56:59Speaker 04

  Right.

• 56:59Lewis Howes?

  What does that look like?

• 57:00Speaker 04

  Well, there's love and attachment.

• 57:01Lewis Howes?

  I know my pattern of stuff in previous relationships of

• 57:07Lewis Howes?

  feeling the need for someone to love me and accept me for who I was.

• 57:11Speaker 04

  That's why we get into relationships.

• 57:12Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 57:13Speaker 04

  That's why we become parents. And we don't want to acknowledge that it's coming from an inner hole, H O L E, a void. We don't want to own this about us, right? We're like, no, I love my child unconditionally. That's why I want him to, you know, play soccer and ski.

• 57:27Lewis Howes?

  Do what I wanted to do.

• 57:28Speaker 04

  And do all the things, oh, it just happens to be all the things I want. Or this is why I'm in the relationship. And the way we know that it's need and attachment and not love and unconditionality is how much we want to control them, how much we want to possess them.

• 57:44Lewis Howes?

  Ooh.

• 57:44Speaker 04

  It's atta-, all that smells of need and attachment. Because true transcendent love, true intimacy, very hard to achieve. Because it requires two whole people.

• 57:56Lewis Howes?

  Trusting, fully and...

• 57:58Speaker 04

  Who are in their own sovereignty, who don't need, very rare. That kind of achievement, that kind of aspiration cannot occur unless you do the work and you heal. So, most of us who haven't healed are in need and attachment, control-based relationships. Sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry to everybody.

• 58:19Lewis Howes?

  How many people are in control-based relationships?

• 58:21Speaker 04

  Almost every relationship I know, yes. And every parenting relationship I know is in control, need and attachment and possession.

• 58:29Lewis Howes?

  What does it look like for most people? What's the common ways of control and need and attachment?

• 58:34Speaker 04

  Okay, constant repetition of drama, where the cycle just can't break.

• 58:39Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 58:40Speaker 04

  You know, not a mutual honoring of each one's absolute freedom.

• 58:44Lewis Howes?

  The boundaries or freedoms or...

• 58:46Speaker 04

  Yeah, and honoring each other and true articulation of one's needs. Who knows how to articulate their needs? Nobody. And allow the other to be heard and seen and to be seen honestly and authentically? That's intimacy. So, we think we're in intimate relationships, but we're just in functional, transactional dynamics.

• 59:07Lewis Howes?

  Ew, what if someone's authentic about their need? And their need is, well, I need you to... I don't know, uh, check in with me multiple times throughout the day, so I know where you are.

• 59:19Speaker 04

  Oh, that's not being authentic. Shall I tell you?

• 59:21Lewis Howes?

  Isn't that an authentic need if someone's?

• 59:23Speaker 04

  No, the, this is the authentic need.

• 59:24Lewis Howes?

  Tell me.

• 59:25Speaker 04

  Okay, so the person says, I authentically need you to check in with me 10,000 times a day, right? Now, here's the thing, that's not an authentic need. Here's the need. I have such low sense of worth, and I'm in such a panic. I get panic attacks because I have control issues from my past abandonment. Can you help me in some way by not feeding the need? I don't want you to call me 10,000 times because that'll just feed my monster. But can you help me and be kind with me? Because that's my need. My need is for ultimate, supreme safety, but I know I can't have that. The need is from my childhood. That's what I'm talking about. I'm not saying I need you to give me 10 massages. That's not a need.

• 1:00:08Speaker 04

  The need is why do I have the need, really getting to the core of the need.

• 1:00:12Lewis Howes?

  It's not about communicating the need to the other partner.

• 1:00:14Speaker 04

  Everyone's good at doing that.

• 1:00:15Lewis Howes?

  It's about recognizing why's the need there.

• 1:00:18Speaker 04

  The real need.

• 1:00:20Lewis Howes?

  And, and when you find the root of the need, then you heal the need.

• 1:00:23Speaker 04

  And you release the other person from meeting your need.

• 1:00:25Lewis Howes?

  Gosh.

• 1:00:26Speaker 04

  Right? So everyone's good about saying what they need, Louis. I need a Bentley, I need a mansion. Very good at doing that. We have to go to, why are we looking at the other person to fill that need, number one? Where's this need really coming from? That's the real need.

• 1:00:43Lewis Howes?

  But won't, I mean, I don't want to generalize this, but won't you hear a lot of women say, well, I need to know I can trust my man, that he, he makes me feel safe, he protects me, that I know where he's at, that he lets me check his phone, that I can know where, you know, where he's, when he's going somewhere, or who he's seeing, like, doesn't, isn't that a common thing, theme for women?

• 1:01:03Speaker 04

  Yes, yes.

• 1:01:04Lewis Howes?

  What is that, what happens when a woman does that?

• 1:01:07Speaker 04

  When the woman does that, it means she's completely an inner child, believing that she needs those things from a man. She doesn't need that. Because if she has need for that, she's going to be dependent on his every move and looking at him like she's a detective and he's under the microscope. And that means she's enslaving herself to him and giving him her power. When we want to control the other, we think we're getting control. We are getting enslavement to the other.

• 1:01:40Lewis Howes?

  Oh my goodness. What is the common, uh, the, the common fear and insecurity that women have when they're in a relationship and that men have when they're in relationships? Is it safety and protection?

• 1:01:51Speaker 04

  Can we just say that the way men and women are relating in relationships is based on conventional possession, control and ownership.

• 1:02:00Lewis Howes?

  Both parties.

• 1:02:01Speaker 04

  So it's already messed up.

• 1:02:03Lewis Howes?

  You're right.

• 1:02:04Speaker 04

  Now, within the messed up matrix, you want to ask what are the most common insecurities?

• 1:02:10Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, what's the main insecurity for men in general? Is it, I don't know, that they're gonna cheat on?

• 1:02:15Speaker 04

  Possession, both is possession.

• 1:02:16Lewis Howes?

  Really?

• 1:02:17Speaker 04

  Both is control in some way.

• 1:02:19Lewis Howes?

  Really?

• 1:02:19Speaker 04

  Now, you'll say, but isn't there a real need for one to find the money and the other to cook the food? Sure, but you know.

• 1:02:30Lewis Howes?

  What's the core need? What's the root need? Possession is what they're, control and possession?

• 1:02:34Speaker 04

  We've been told that relationships, especially marriage, means that the other one betrothes themselves to you, like gives themselves to you for keeping. Right? And you put the ring like, you know, little noose.

• 1:02:47Lewis Howes?

  And you're mine and I own you.

• 1:02:48Speaker 04

  And I own you. And you give the woman a big diamond ring so everyone around can see that she's owned. I have never won a ring one day of, of my life. Because I have no desire to let the world know I'm owned.

• 1:03:04Lewis Howes?

  So what about women who are like, you know what, I love my partner, I want to be their partner. I want to wear this, show a symbol of my commitment and the circle of trust.

• 1:03:15Speaker 04

  We do it on this finger, we do that finger, it doesn't have to be a diamond. We follow convention because this is what society says. He didn't give you a diamond ring? Or the bigger the ring, the more the love, you know? We know it's convention.

• 1:03:28Lewis Howes?

  And then the comparison, it's like, it's not, Sally gave, got a bigger ring, so maybe his, her husband.

• 1:03:33Speaker 04

  There are many symbols of love. It's funny that we all have the same symbol, right? So it's not creative anymore, it's not spontaneous. Every relationship should have its own symbol. How come we all want the diamond ring as the symbol?

• 1:03:44Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:03:45Speaker 04

  Because it's convention, we're conditioned. We have to own how we've been conditioned for these things. The diamond industry is so happy with us.

• 1:03:54Lewis Howes?

  Super happy.

• 1:03:54Speaker 04

  Right, they're like, yeah, we really told them that these little pebbles mean something. And they all bought into it and they all make their partners buy them. And if they don't buy it, it's a sort of betrayal. The industry is making whopping profit over our buying into this.

• 1:04:12Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, being brainwashed.

• 1:04:13Speaker 04

  This is just one way we've been brainwashed. We've been brainwashed in every way because it's a consumer society.

• 1:04:19Lewis Howes?

  What, what should be three questions that say someone's starting to date someone, they're six months, three months in, six months in, and things are moving along?

• 1:04:29Speaker 04

  I have the questions.

• 1:04:30Lewis Howes?

  And you want to ask three questions to determine if this relationship has the chance

• 1:04:36Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 1:04:36Lewis Howes?

  of being, you know,

• 1:04:40Speaker 04

  Growth.

• 1:04:40Lewis Howes?

  powerful, growth-minded, acceptance, not controlling. What would those three questions be?

• 1:04:47Speaker 04

  Well, you know, you first want to know how much inner work the person has done. You want to talk to their therapist, you want to see the appointments, you want to know how long they've been doing this. No, I'm just kidding. You'll get a sense of their consciousness quotient. Okay, that is number one.

• 1:05:02Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 1:05:03Speaker 04

  You have to see how integrated is this person from their childhood to their adulthood? Have they worked on their wounds?

• 1:05:10Lewis Howes?

  Here's the challenge, everyone shows the best version of themselves in the first year.

• 1:05:14Speaker 04

  It's such a fuss.

• 1:05:14Lewis Howes?

  And they act like they've done this in general, right? So how do you truly know when everyone's on their best behavior?

• 1:05:21Speaker 04

  So you don't move in, don't move in?

• 1:05:23Lewis Howes?

  You wanna hang out with that guy or that girl? Go ahead, yeah. Dinner with, you know, it's like-

• 1:05:27Speaker 04

  You don't get so excited in that first year. You know that each one is trying to present the false self. So don't you know that? So don't give in for the first year. You know it takes time. So you can't be jumping to the altar right away, right?

• 1:05:39Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:05:40Speaker 04

  So, number one is what is the consciousness quotient? And then I would, you know, I'm a little unconventional, so I will not find anyone, probably, but it's because they'll fail my questions. So I would ask them about their beliefs, about, you know, all the stereotypical institutions. And I have done so much work deconstructing cultural lies that I wanna be with someone who has deconstructed the bullshit.

• 1:06:08Lewis Howes?

  So I think, otherwise you're fighting against values, beliefs, ideas.

• 1:06:12Speaker 04

  Then it becomes a schism of basic values, you know? And the more work we do, you know, the more I, you know, you deconstruct what the bullshit is. You can't be with someone who's bought into the bullshit, you know?

• 1:06:25Lewis Howes?

  You're distancing more and more-

• 1:06:26Speaker 04

  Correct.

• 1:06:26Lewis Howes?

  -your beliefs.

• 1:06:27Speaker 04

  So I think consciousness quotient, which is healing from childhood, and then the cultural BS radar, you know? How good is their BS radar? And then the last thing would be, you know, just how present they are. Are they worthy of their own love? Are they whole? You know, that's all connected to the first two. But it then shows up in that person because they're present. They're radiant, they're joyous, they're liberated. You know, you can see liberated people because they don't need anything from you.

• 1:06:57Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 1:06:58Speaker 04

  Because they're whole.

• 1:06:59Lewis Howes?

  They're not expecting anything, they don't need something to feel good.

• 1:07:02Speaker 04

  They don't judge you.

• 1:07:03Lewis Howes?

  They are good.

• 1:07:04Speaker 04

  And they're bursting with that. So you feel it. That's true chemistry, right? You wanna be attracted to the essence of the person, not to their sports car or their-

• 1:07:14Lewis Howes?

  Their bank account or the way they look or-

• 1:07:16Speaker 04

  Right, because that's gonna end, that's transient. Consciousness lasts. You're living with the person's consciousness. You're living with the person's inner demons. Because after the first two years, when the cars are old, you're living more- And you've done that.

• 1:07:30Lewis Howes?

  You've traveled the world, you've done, yeah.

• 1:07:32Speaker 04

  Now you're living with their inner child. You like their inner child. That's what we go like, whoa! And your inner child comes out. So does your inner child know how to play with their inner child? And that's when you say the bubble bursts. But it's no one's fault. It's because we both presented with the bubble.

• 1:07:50Lewis Howes?

  So now we're

• 1:07:52Speaker 04

  Don't fall in love until two years are up. Then fall in love.

• 1:07:57Lewis Howes?

  What if people are like, this is amazing, this is exciting.

• 1:08:00Speaker 04

  It's not amazing. It's the illusion. Wait, a client used to get so upset with me. She was like, before you burst my bubble. She always knew I'm gonna burst her bubble. Because this is what the ego does. It presents the best self. You think you're falling in love. Even the idea of falling in love, that's, you don't wanna fall. You should not be falling.

• 1:08:19Lewis Howes?

  Rise.

• 1:08:20Speaker 04

  You should be standing solid.

• 1:08:22Lewis Howes?

  Exactly.

• 1:08:22Speaker 04

  So the fact that we fall is because we are falling for the illusion. You know, and then we're upset in two years that another relationship didn't work out. Because it was the false self, the survivor, who was holding on. And after some time, the survivor stops, the ego breaks down. And now you see each other's raw self behind the prison wall. And you're both convicts looking for the other to rescue them. I call them twin beggars. Give me, give me, give me, give me.

• 1:08:52Lewis Howes?

  You're not giving me enough.

• 1:08:53Speaker 04

  It's never going to be enough.

• 1:08:55Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 1:08:55Speaker 04

  Because we were beggars all along. We needed to only dare to enter a relationship after we've been full. Very hard to do, I know. So they're gonna beg away.

• 1:09:06Lewis Howes?

  How does a 23-year-old

• 1:09:08Speaker 04

  She doesn't.

• 1:09:08Lewis Howes?

  Get full after

• 1:09:10Speaker 04

  She goes through the pain and the pain like we all have gone through. Heartache after heartache, blaming the other, crying to our girlfriends.

• 1:09:18Lewis Howes?

  He didn't do this, she didn't do that.

• 1:09:20Speaker 04

  And then everyone commiserates and go, yeah, he was really terrible. He was horrible. Leave him. What a, what a terrible man.

• 1:09:26Lewis Howes?

  Bad man.

• 1:09:27Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:09:27Lewis Howes?

  A bad girl.

• 1:09:28Speaker 04

  Right, we're bad, good, good, bad, you know? We don't realize, it's just inner child to inner child. Trauma to trauma, beggar to beggar.

• 1:09:37Lewis Howes?

  What happens when two people who have truly Healed their traumas. I mean, done the years of work. They're not expecting. They're not holding grudges. They're not resentful. They're not needing something. What happens when those two type of people get together?

• 1:09:51Speaker 04

  I think there's such a thing as a beautiful intimacy. You know, I talk about intimacy where you truly can see the other person, but as their own being. And you don't need anything from them. You don't need them to be a certain way. And they know, and you know, that it's a journey. So we walk together for some sunsets and maybe others we don't. And each is okay with that. We'll be sad if the other one walks away, but not devastated or broken. See, we sometimes think to be broken is to have really loved if they left. Similarly, when our kids go off to school or college, if we don't cry, that means I didn't really love my kid.

• 1:10:34Speaker 04

  We have this weird romance around crying a lot or pain or brokenness. That means we really loved. No, love is freedom. So we need to be happy for the other person when they go to their other lover.

• 1:10:50Lewis Howes?

  That's big, that's big, right?

• 1:10:51Speaker 04

  But if you truly loved that other person, then how is it about you? It's what that, what makes that person happy. Very hard because culture has raised us with possession and monogamy as the main goal. So anyone who deviates from that is a frickin' cheater. And we know what we call cheaters, you know?

• 1:11:16Lewis Howes?

  It's interesting. I'm just listening to you and thinking about my, my life and my journey. And I've, and I've always,

• 1:11:25Lewis Howes?

  I'm no way am I a perfect human being, but I've always wanted the best when relationships didn't work out. And a lot of them didn't work out well. Like there was arguing and frustration on both sides, me included. But then I was like, okay, we're not working out. And I've always wanted them, I like, I hope they find someone that's a better fit for them. I've never felt like the girls ever want me to be happy afterwards.

• 1:11:47Speaker 04

  He needs to go down.

• 1:11:48Lewis Howes?

  He did this to me, he ruined my life, he did, yeah, it's like, I've never felt like ever, anyone ever wanted the best for me. And it's-

• 1:11:55Speaker 04

  But you can't blame us, because we've been conditioned that when a relationship ends, it means the other's to blame and there's been a betrayal.

• 1:12:02Lewis Howes?

  It's their fault.

• 1:12:03Speaker 04

  Right, and betrayal, you know, we've fully bought into this idea of betrayal. And I don't believe in betrayal, I believe we only betray ourselves.

• 1:12:09Lewis Howes?

  Ooh.

• 1:12:10Speaker 04

  You know.

• 1:12:11Lewis Howes?

  What does that mean? What does that mean?

• 1:12:13Speaker 04

  It means that when we enter a relationship without understanding that we are going to be with the other person's inner child.

• 1:12:21Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 1:12:21Speaker 04

  We betray ourselves. We, we want daddy, or we want Prince Charming, or we want Mr. Perfect, or Miss Perfect, you can be in a same-sex relationship. And we put on the other the expectation that they will be there for us in the way we need.

• 1:12:37Lewis Howes?

  They'll be our savior, our hero, our knight, or whatever.

• 1:12:41Speaker 04

  Right, of course, we all want that, that's lovely, but that was the job of mommy, not another human being.

• 1:12:45Lewis Howes?

  Our parents are supposed to be there to help us grow.

• 1:12:47Speaker 04

  And they could barely do it, right. So how is this person gonna do it? But we put on them this unconscious expectation and burden. When they don't fulfill it, instead of wishing them well, and going, I get it, I'm an inner child too. I must have been really hard for you to deal with. Or we're both misaligned, you know, our inner children were just fighting in the sandbox. I own my part, thank you for showing me yours, it's not aligned, I get it.

• 1:13:12Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, we had a season of life, we learned something hopefully and we move on.

• 1:13:15Speaker 04

  And say the guy cheated, or the girl cheated, we look at the cheating not as a personal betrayal, but as, it's a message. Yeah, okay, we're not so, he wasn't supposed to be with me that night. He felt like he needed to be somewhere else, he's following his soul. But she's like, oh, but he lied to me. Of course he lied to you, because he knew you'd react like this, and now look, you're not broken up, right?

• 1:13:38Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 1:13:39Speaker 04

  No one ever says, where were you last night, honey, you can tell me and mean it, right? Every guy knows, they don't mean it. The woman will kill you. We are raised in a conventional idea around man and woman. It's changing now, you know, with all the gender fluidity and all the ownership of of of rights for all kinds of affiliations. We're changing the paradigm, but still at the core is this paradigm that there's an ownership between the two. And that is the dysfunction. It's toxic.

• 1:14:13Speaker 04

  We all want to own everybody. We all wish that the world was our puppet, of course.

• 1:14:17Lewis Howes?

  Why do we have that?

• 1:14:19Speaker 04

  Because it's a childish desire to have control. You know, I I want you to say exactly what I want because then I'll feel competent and in control.

• 1:14:27Lewis Howes?

  Really?

• 1:14:27Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:14:28Lewis Howes?

  And what does control, what does needing control mean? We need to feel safe? We need to feel protected.

• 1:14:33Speaker 04

  Child stuff, just I wanna be secure. Mommy's gonna come in at every, you know, hour to check in on me. I want predictability. So the greater the kid or teenager didn't have predictability, they are going to go reactive. Either they're going to to silence that through an addiction or they're going to go into mass control, either through mass achievement or mass obsession of the other person.

• 1:15:00Lewis Howes?

  I feel like I've done all those things in my past, everything.

• 1:15:03Speaker 04

  Mass control, mass possession.

• 1:15:05Lewis Howes?

  Manipulation, anger, resentment, don't do this, control, all these things, especially in your twenties.

• 1:15:10Speaker 04

  You wanted to make sure you would not be that helpless little boy who didn't have predictability, but you didn't know you were doing it because of that.

• 1:15:17Lewis Howes?

  I had no idea. So unconscious.

• 1:15:19Speaker 04

  Nobody knows.

• 1:15:20Lewis Howes?

  So unconscious for so many years. It wasn't until I had thirty when I started to really realize, oh, that a lot of the trauma I haven't even talked about because I've been so shameful of. And just the process of talking about it allowed me to heal an element of certain things, but not everything.

• 1:15:35Speaker 04

  Yes, we have to talk to a trusted confidant or a therapist. You must talk because talking allows you to hear your own narrative. And then somebody or you can both go, oh my God, I said the same thing as my mother. Oh my goodness, at seven I felt this, at eleven I felt this. You have to narrate your life. That's why it's called a narrative. Because you have to create a consistent narrative to integrate your life experiences. So people poo poo therapy perhaps, or think they don't have the time. Well.

• 1:16:06Lewis Howes?

  I think it's some of the greatest time you can spend for yourself. For your inner peace, for awareness, for greater levels of love for yourself and compassion for others.

• 1:16:16Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:16:17Lewis Howes?

  I don't think I'd be as compassionate, understanding, and again, I'm not always compassionate and understanding, but I don't think I would be have the levels of intimacy and connection and love to myself or others without on and off therapy, coaching, workshops, emotional intelligence training, like all of it.

• 1:16:40Lewis Howes?

  In this part, we have Stephan Speaks, who shares how both men and women can learn to communicate and understand each other's thoughts and emotions better to continue to thrive in a relationship. What is the biggest problem that you see today that women face? That are holding them back from staying in a healthy relationship? And what's the biggest problem that men are faced with in them being happy with their partner? They're in a relationship.

• 1:17:07Stephan Speaks?

  So I always talk about healing, and I do believe that healing is the number one biggest issue. But I want to take a different angle here. I think that another huge issue that both men and women are facing, from women's standpoint, is really understanding that men are different in how we think, how we behave, how we're overall wired. And the same thing goes for women, I mean for men. So essentially, men lacking in understanding of the emotional state or the emotional side of women, and not knowing how to tap into that or navigate through that. Whereas she also struggles with trying to navigate through his logical side, and how he goes about things, and that disconnect, because both sides are expecting

• 1:17:50Stephan Speaks?

  the other to understand them where they are, alright? And they're not trying to understand the other. A person and so we we get caught up in our own feelings, our own perceptions of things. And that creates this huge fight, this huge battle, rather than really learning how the other side operates.

• 1:18:06Lewis Howes?

  This is gonna be an oversimplified question, a response that you have. Um, cause each person is unique, but I want you to fill in the blank. If a woman understood X about a man, they would be happy in their relationship.

• 1:18:21Stephan Speaks?

  The simplicity of a man, they would be happy.

• 1:18:28Lewis Howes?

  If a woman understood the simplicity of a man.

• 1:18:31Stephan Speaks?

  Yes.

• 1:18:31Lewis Howes?

  They would be happy in their relationship.

• 1:18:32Stephan Speaks?

  Yes.

• 1:18:33Lewis Howes?

  They would have less stress, they would have less arguments, they would have less pain, suffering.

• 1:18:37Stephan Speaks?

  Yes.

• 1:18:38Lewis Howes?

  What does it mean to be the simplicity of a man?

• 1:18:41Stephan Speaks?

  So there's a few things. One, a lot of women overthinking, over analyzing their relationships. And so a simple example I gave in one of my videos is like, let's say a guy says, she said, ask the man, what do you want for your birthday? And he says, listen, just, let's just watch a movie together, have some pizza, drink some liquor, I'm good, have some sex, that's all I need for the night. And the woman thinks, let me get him a wallet.

• 1:19:06Lewis Howes?

  No, I didn't ask for that.

• 1:19:07Stephan Speaks?

  Exactly. Like, it's so simple. He's telling you exactly what he wants. The words coming out of his mouth are, it's what he means. The problem is so many women have been conditioned to dealing with liars and manipulators. Dealing with men who are playing games that when they are with a good man who's being forthcoming and honest, they don't know how to take that. And also because women are very, they're into details, alright? So they, they are going to see what you need, they're gonna analyze and say, okay, I can get this for him. They're, they're more thoughtful in their approach, they go deeper, which is why they become so frustrated with us, because we don't. When we don't understand that when they said, I'm okay, that they really weren't okay, that bothers them.

• 1:19:51Stephan Speaks?

  When they told us, we don't want anything for Valentine's Day, but they really wanted something and we didn't get that. That bothers them because it's like, why aren't we looking deeper? Why aren't we learning them and being more in tune with them? Because that's how they are with us. And so again, it's a disconnect of, we operate very differently, but if they would just understand, we're very simple. And the man who wants to be with you, who wants to love you is being very plain and clear. If you would just honor and accept that, it would make things so much easier.

• 1:20:22Lewis Howes?

  And if a man knew X about a woman, they would have a happy life.

• 1:20:26Stephan Speaks?

  Um, what's the right word?

• 1:20:30Stephan Speaks?

  It, it really goes back to understand that her emotions, I'm trying to find the right way to phrase this, but it, it's really understanding the emotional side of the woman. And what I mean by that is, again, if you're with a woman, let's say you guys are walking down the street, and she says, "I don't feel safe right now," alright? To a man, we may analyze this, the, the area and say, "Well, there's nothing of danger here. What's your problem? You're crazy." No, don't do that. If she says, "I don't feel safe," you have to understand how she feels. That's her emotion right now, and her emotion is reality to her. She may not be able to explain it, it may be something within her, within her spirit,

• 1:21:11Stephan Speaks?

  but as men, we make a mistake of dismissing it because it doesn't line up with our logic. And now it's, "You're crazy, you're this, you're that," rather than, "No, try to understand, she's feeling like this for a reason." And even if we can't always explain it, honor it. Now, the man's concern is, well, now she can manipulate you and play you because even when it doesn't make any sense, she can say, "I feel this way." But if you're with a good woman, and she's been good to you in every other way, why question that she's playing games now? Give her the benefit of the doubt. So I think if we would just learn to embrace what, what her emotions are at the moment, we would be able to have more peace. Because again, a lot of fights come from, you're trying to force your logic onto her,

• 1:21:55Stephan Speaks?

  she's trying to tell you how she feels right now.

• 1:21:57Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 1:21:57Stephan Speaks?

  And it's like this, no, meet her where she's feeling right now. Acknowledge that. Say, "Okay, you know what? I understand it. Let's handle it from that perspective."

• 1:22:06Lewis Howes?

  Why is it so hard for, for, let's talk about men in this situation, to acknowledge someone's feelings when in the man's mind, you're, you might be acting crazy, these feelings are irrational. Why would I acknowledge irrational feelings when there's nothing to be afraid of in this moment? If that's what a man is feeling. How do they get out of that space and say, "Okay, this is irrational. In my mind, maybe this is seem crazy because I don't feel this personally." How does a man learn to connect on that level so that they feel safe in that moment? Even if it is irrational?

• 1:22:42Stephan Speaks?

  So three things, it's, it's gonna be awareness.

• 1:22:46Stephan Speaks?

  Why did I just lose my train of thought for the second one? Awareness, I'm missing the second one, and then communication at times when things are not chaotic. Alright, so the problem is, you can't be trying to have this full deep discussion at this. If you feel like she's being irrational, if you feel like this is not making any sense, now you're trying to have this deeper discussion that maybe she's not ready to have at the moment, alright? She's feeling all over the place, who knows what's triggering her right now? Wait till things are calm, and now let's revisit what happened the other day.

• 1:23:18Lewis Howes?

  Don't fix it when it's chaotic.

• 1:23:19Stephan Speaks?

  Exactly, it's almost like, you know, sometimes a woman doesn't want you to fix it, she wants you to listen and acknowledge how she feels. And so, we can talk about, we can revisit it at a different time, but in that time, she needs you to embrace where she's at emotionally.

• 1:23:35Lewis Howes?

  What if the man's just like, "It doesn't make sense." "You're making no sense right now." "What you're saying is irrational, maybe it's illogical, it's crazy, none of it makes sense." "How do they wrap their heads around the madness of the emotion that is not real to them?"

• 1:23:52Stephan Speaks?

  It really is, this is, oh, it's about practice, so that was the second thing. Awareness, practice, communication. So, the practicing of it is to simply understand, listen, it doesn't always have to make sense, alright? What does it hurt you in that moment to just be more compassionate and considerate of how she's feeling? Even if it doesn't line up with your logic right there, you know what I'm saying? And again, we can revisit this and use it as a moment to now learn more about each other, but right now is not the time.

• 1:24:24Lewis Howes?

  So the next, so tomorrow, three days later, we can say, "Hey, listen, you know that time when we were walking down the street and you were afraid, nothing was around, can we talk about that?"

• 1:24:32Stephan Speaks?

  Exactly, exactly, and now we can gain better understanding, because at that moment, it may be easier for her to articulate it, but in the moment of her emotions running all over the place, it's gonna be hard for her to get it out clearly, not because she's trying to be difficult, it's just, she's feeling all over the place, it's just hard. It's like, think about a child, and I'm not trying to reduce women to children, but think about a child... Being in their frantic moment, something happened to them and you're saying, tell me what's wrong. They can't tell you, they're, but it's hard for them to say it. But once they're calmed down and at a better place, they can.

• 1:25:08Lewis Howes?

  Absolutely.

• 1:25:09Stephan Speaks?

  So we just have to be, we gotta be patient as well. We gotta be patient with each other and give grace. We're gonna have moments where, yeah, it may not make sense, but again, overall, if you're with a good woman. Why act like she must be, she's being difficult or evil right now, you know?

• 1:25:26Lewis Howes?

  There's a lot of good women, speaking of good women, there's a lot of good women out there that are friends of mine who are single. And they've been single for years. I'm thinking of a few of them specifically in my mind. I'm gonna speak to these women's archetype. Because I think there's a lot of women like this out there. They've been single for, they haven't been in a, they've been dating, but they haven't been in a committed long-term relationship for a while. Good women. They make their own money, they're independent, they're kind, they're compassionate, they're loving, they're, they've got their own vision. But they're struggling in finding the right guy who will commit.

• 1:26:04Lewis Howes?

  What do you think is missing from those women? Or is this a timing thing? Maybe it's like, hey, you've been trying this for eight, 10 years and you haven't found someone? Maybe it's still timing, maybe they haven't showed up in your life yet, but if they're going on dates, they're doing these things and they still haven't been able to find a partner that feels like a good match, the right match. What's missing from them? Or is nothing missing?

• 1:26:25Stephan Speaks?

  It's hard to say because, you know, without knowing them individually, the issues can vary, you know? I'll tell you what I've seen as common barriers for women. One of the most common, and they may not like hearing this, but one of the most common is

• 1:26:41Stephan Speaks?

  a lacking of being in touch with their feminine side. And that only really plays a huge role dependent on the type of man they desire. If they desire a very masculine man, man who has his stuff together, a guy who can be a leader, at least has those qualities. Then not being in your feminine is gonna work against you. You're gonna come across more difficult. You're not gonna come across as someone that's peaceful. And again, I think every man, every man who has stuff going on for himself can say what he needs almost most importantly, or at least top of the, near the top, is peace. Every man needs peace.

• 1:27:17Lewis Howes?

  Oh, man, I've been saying that my whole life.

• 1:27:20Stephan Speaks?

  You know?

• 1:27:20Lewis Howes?

  Peace.

• 1:27:21Stephan Speaks?

  And so if he does not view you in that way, because again, you project more masculine energy. You project more resistance, more of a difficult nature. He's not gonna, you could be the most beautiful, amazing woman, it's like, and he may wanna sleep with you, but he's not gonna wanna take you serious or marry you. So that can be one problem. Another thing can be timing. You know, it's a lot of times is, you, you, we have to understand, everything doesn't happen tomorrow. There is a process to this. But in that timing, what's important is that you don't drag on with the wrong men.

• 1:27:53Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 1:27:54Stephan Speaks?

  A lot of women reduce their time or reduce their window of opportunity, staying with the wrong guys, staying, uh, dating even the wrong guys. So it's not gonna be a committed, a committed relationship. It could just be you're dating and getting to know each other, but you knew after a couple of days that he wasn't it. And yet you're still letting it continue. And what, and even though you're not fully committed in this relationship as an official boyfriend-girlfriend, you're emotionally invested. And your ability to now be available to someone else is severely hindered. So you're not gonna be able to meet that great guy, or that great guy may come across you here that you're dating this guy and say, I'm not even gonna bother with that.

• 1:28:36Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:28:36Stephan Speaks?

  And so that hurts you. So the, timing is it, but you have to make sure you're leaving yourself available.

• 1:28:42Lewis Howes?

  Here's a question. Do we stay in relationships longer when we haven't fully healed the past?

• 1:28:51Stephan Speaks?

  Hell, yes.

• 1:28:54Lewis Howes?

  I'll probably raise my hand here for pretty much every past relationship, where I have known at different levels, like something's not right, something's off. Okay, let's work on it, let's try to make it work. Still, things are off. It's like you have a knowing inside, and sometimes you try to force it to make it work. And I'm as, as one to blame as anyone here. And what I realize is like, oh, I haven't fully healed certain things, and it's why I've stayed in the past in relationships much longer than I probably should have. But I was afraid. I was afraid of hurting someone. I was afraid of hurting myself. I was afraid of whatever.

• 1:29:31Stephan Speaks?

  Yeah.

• 1:29:32Lewis Howes?

  And when I started to learn that like, this is something you talked about over and over, that the healing process is is the key process to build a foundation for the potential for a great relationship, for something to flourish.

• 1:29:44Stephan Speaks?

  Yes.

• 1:29:45Lewis Howes?

  You want to have, you know, the dream is to have a rainforest of an environment in your relationship where things can grow, things can flourish. There's green trees around you. There's water flow, waterfalls. Not an environment of a desert where things go to die in the relationship.

• 1:29:59Stephan Speaks?

  Yes.

• 1:30:01Lewis Howes?

  And I don't think we can truly allow things to grow if we don't learn to heal. And that's something that you taught me years ago, and you teach so many people around the world this. But if people don't even think they need to heal something, how do they do it?

• 1:30:18Stephan Speaks?

  They can't. There's, there's no way, you can't overcome an obstacle you don't believe exists.

• 1:30:23Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 1:30:23Stephan Speaks?

  You know?

• 1:30:24Lewis Howes?

  Like, I'm fine, I got this. Nah, I've dealt with this stuff in the past. Like, that was me.

• 1:30:27Stephan Speaks?

  Exactly. And, and so the problem is, most people don't heal until they hit a wall. Until something, you know, knocks them on their behind, and now they have to, to see things differently and accept the issues that they've been holding on to. Uh, but also, I think the, the, the problem for a lot of individuals is they're not healed, and they're in environments with people who haven't healed either. And now those unhealed people are gonna validate your issues. They're gonna validate your, your unwillingness to face those things.

• 1:30:58Lewis Howes?

  This is so hard because, whatever, guy friends, girlfriends, whoever you are, and you lean on people and say, this person did this, and they validate you, you say, leave them. They're no good for you. You deserve better. You don't deserve that. They shouldn't be doing this, right? They start to validate to be on your side. But they're not healed either if they're coming from that place. Maybe they're correct on certain things. But it's learning how to communicate to your friends in a healthier way, probably also.

• 1:31:28Stephan Speaks?

  Well, I think, yes, because a lot of people, they tell their friends the bad, and they don't always tell them the good.

• 1:31:35Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:31:36Stephan Speaks?

  So the friends have a very skewed perception of the relationship, or whatever situation that you're facing. But we also have to be aware enough to understand who we're seeking guidance from. Like, I may speak to my friends because I need to vent at the moment, or I want some feedback. But I'm fully aware that they are not the end-all, be-all to this, that they may be speaking from their own hurt place. I still can filter their perspective through the understanding of, they're not healed enough to give me full, proper, great guidance, alright? But they might give a perspective that I needed to look at. And that's why I will still talk to them. Because I want to hear different perspectives. I want to make sure I'm not missing any blind spots here, alright?

• 1:32:21Stephan Speaks?

  So it's good to talk to different people, but only if you understand how to not just take them as, "Oh, well, my friend said this, so this is it." No, your friend may be broken too. And they're gonna lead you down an even more broken path.

• 1:32:35Lewis Howes?

  Exactly. So the conversations you have with some people, they're not healed, and they're not helping you fully, because they're validating something that you don't need to hear necessarily. Maybe some of it is right, but not all of it.

• 1:32:49Stephan Speaks?

  And not to mention, it can happen in other ways as far as like, I've seen people where the friend was in a toxic relationship, that they were unwilling to leave. So now, when their other friend came to them about their toxic relationship, is, "Oh, you know, give him a chance." "Oh, you know, cheating happens in every relationship." They'll come up with all these validations to stay, because they can't look themselves in the mirror and tell themselves to walk away. So how they gonna tell you to do it? Alright? Now, some people can do that. Some people can still tell you opposite of what they're gonna actually are willing to do. But a lot of people... unconsciously or subconsciously are trying to validate how they would handle things

• 1:33:30Stephan Speaks?

  or how they have handled things alright so if it's I would leave because someone called me out there out my name one time then I have to tell you that you gotta leave for that reason I can't tell you to be considerate of well maybe it was a mistake maybe this can be fixed oh no no no cuz I drew that line you need to draw that line a lot of people don't understand how to give that unbiased advice so that's why you have to be very careful

• 1:33:55Lewis Howes?

  absolutely

• 1:33:55Stephan Speaks?

  going to friends and family

• 1:33:57Lewis Howes?

  healing is again a lot of clarity comes through healing you'll be able to see things differently in a relationship if you are from a healed place I think a lot of us myself included has stayed in relationships longer than necessary because we haven't healed something yet and that's why we stayed in them so would you say that people who have healed and addressed the past the traumas of the past the pains of the past are much quicker to get out of a dating situation when they realize oh this isn't for me like I thought it was gonna work out but I don't need to keep trying for months and years to try to make it work it's not working I'm willing to walk away would you say people healed are able to do that better

• 1:34:38Stephan Speaks?

  absolutely yeah basically the more healed you become or when you have become healed your willingness or ability to tolerate toxic energy is diminished you you don't know how to operate or how to stay in those environments any longer because now you see things so much clearer it's almost like if you were to detox your body and start to eat healthy now you go back to eating some fast food and it will destroy your stomach so your willingness to eat that bad food is no longer there or at least it's diminished because now your body knows what healthy feels like alright so emotionally once you get to a healthy place and you know what healthy is you can't tolerate dysfunction as much anymore

• 1:35:20Stephan Speaks?

  you can't tolerate someone who does not want to face their issues you know it reminds me right now real quick of even when it comes to business or you know what even when it comes to fitness a lot of people once they've achieved great success or once they've achieved Achieved uh getting that body they always wanted. They look at those who do not have differently. Before, they may have been in that pool of people that said, my circumstances, there's nothing I can do, it's too hard. But once you've achieved it and you knew what work it took to get there. Now it's like, no, you're just unwilling. You don't have, you don't have enough desire to push past the obstacles to get the results you're looking for.

• 1:36:03Stephan Speaks?

  And so again, when you become healthy, your willingness to tolerate this person just can't get past their issues. It's like, no, because I got past mine.

• 1:36:11Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 1:36:11Stephan Speaks?

  I know what it takes. I know you can get there if you're willing, but so many are not willing.

• 1:36:17Lewis Howes?

  Let's say you're, you got in a relationship, uh, you got married, you've been committed for a while. And you, neither of you have healed. But then one of you decides, you know what, this isn't working. I gotta heal the pain from the past. They go on that journey, they get relief, they find peace in their heart, they're not triggered, whatever it is. They've started and have continually been on the healing process. But the other person continues to be in their own traumatic past experiences. What if they're not willing to heal? Would you recommend like, is that relationship be able to work still? Are you able to find ways to say, well, we still love each other and we have a lot of chemistry and connection most of the time?

• 1:37:02Lewis Howes?

  What would you say about that if the other person's unwilling to heal?

• 1:37:05Stephan Speaks?

  I hate to say this, but I have to be honest.

• 1:37:08Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:37:11Stephan Speaks?

  I can never encourage someone to remain in a toxic situation. All right. I do think that we can take an approach that says, let's see if we can work this out. Let's give them a little bit of grace here. And the main thing is, can we achieve progress? All right. Rome isn't built in a day. And if we've been behaving or we've been tolerating this dysfunction for so many years, we can't expect it to be perfect tomorrow. But are you willing to at least start to walk on that path and make progress? Though I don't wanna encourage divorce, I don't, I cannot feel comfortable telling people to stay trapped in a marriage with someone who doesn't wanna face their issues.

• 1:37:51Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 1:37:52Stephan Speaks?

  If you have freed yourself from that, you have healed, they've gotta be willing to make a move. And here's the problem. People, people are afraid to heal. Or people are afraid to face the issues that requires them to heal, alright? Because you have to, it's like, I remember a quote, I'm probably saying it wrong. To heal, you have to face the pain, or you have to dive into the pain, something like that, alright? So people understand, it's painful to go and revisit your past. It's painful to let those emotions you've suppressed all these years come back out. And so now, your fear of healing, or facing the process of healing, is greater than your fear of losing this person, alright? And they think because you're married to them, you're not going anywhere.

• 1:38:34Lewis Howes?

  Stuck for life.

• 1:38:34Stephan Speaks?

  Exactly. So for that reason, there, that's not enough incentive to face their fear of facing their issues. The only thing that may get them to do it is the threat of divorce.

• 1:38:46Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 1:38:47Stephan Speaks?

  Or is the actual divorce happening? Again, I, it's not that I wanted to get to that point. I'm hoping, pray, everyone can avoid that. But, the reality is, some people won't get it together until there's a real consequence on the table. And that will be divorce, in that situation.

• 1:39:04Lewis Howes?

  So, okay. Let's say someone's like, you know what? I feel like I'm good, it's never been about me, it's been about everyone else. It's their problems that why the relationship doesn't work out.

• 1:39:14Stephan Speaks?

  Hold on, I gotta stop you real quick.

• 1:39:15Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 1:39:15Stephan Speaks?

  Cause this is like hitting my spirit, I gotta say it. The other thing to consider is that, some people will never change. They will never heal. And the reality is that the person you're with is the wrong person. And the only reason you got with them is because you were broken. Had you not been damaged in the first place, you may not be with this individual.

• 1:39:36Lewis Howes?

  Cause you wouldn't have chose someone like this if you were coming from a healed place.

• 1:39:40Stephan Speaks?

  Exactly. And if you were healed, you would have been your true self. Your true self may not have aligned with this individual. Now- I'm not saying that there aren't circumstances where people still end up with the right person when they were both not healed. I do think that's possible to happen. But a lot of people, I would argue the majority, when you, because I always say if you're not healed, you are 99% likely to choose the wrong person. So I do still strongly believe that the majority of people are with the wrong individual, and that's marriage, relationship, whatever. Because that brokenness, that damage- Attracted something else that was broken. Exactly, and allowed you to tolerate it, or it allowed you to feel safer in that environment.

• 1:40:25Stephan Speaks?

  Here's the thing that people don't realize, when, when you have not healed, if you were to get with a healthy person, it would essentially demand of you from the jump to basically heal or step your game up. And again, people are afraid to face their issues. So to get with another broken person, subconsciously, it validates me staying broken. It validates me not having to face my issues because now we all have issues. You see, as long as we all have issues, I don't have to face mine. But if you have corrected yours, how can I validate my own?

• 1:40:59Lewis Howes?

  Thank you so much for listening. I hope you enjoyed today's episode and it inspired you on your journey towards greatness. Make sure to check out the show notes in the description for a full rundown of today's show with all the important links. And also make sure to share this with a friend. Leave us a review over on Apple Podcasts and subscribe over on Apple Podcasts as well. I really love hearing feedback from you guys, so share a review over on Apple and let me know what part of this episode resonated with you the most. And if no one's told you lately, I want to remind you that you are loved, you are worthy, and you matter. And now it's time to go out there and do something great.