131: Why You Keep Attracting Emotionally Unavailable People

What if the emotionally unavailable people you keep dating are actually holding up a mirror to you? In this raw and unfiltered episode, Sabrina peels back the layers on emotional availability—what it really means, why you keep attracting partners who can’t meet you there, and how your own patterns might be keeping you stuck in the cycle. With personal stories, bold insights, and a no-BS look at emotional intelligence, she dives deep into the difference between true vulnerability and emotional oversharing, and why safety in connection starts with you. Whether you're anxiously attached, avoidant, or just tired of dating people who can’t show up, this episode will hit home. Sabrina breaks down the signs of real emotional availability, how to check in with your nervous system, and practical tools to stop performing and start connecting. If you’ve ever thought, “Why do I keep ending up here?” — this one’s for you. MERCH IS NOW AVAILABLE! Stuck After the Podcast? Master Implementation in 8 Weeks with Sabrina's Foundation Course HERE! Do you feel like your emotions run the show and react in ways you can’t control? Join the Nervous System 101: Navigating the Unknowns In Early Dating from Sabrina and Masha Kay HERE! Struggling with a breakup? Join the Make It Make Sense: Getting Through a Breakup course from Sabrina and Britt Frank HERE! Get Ad free HERE! Want to work with Sabrina? HERE! Don't forget to follow Sabrina and The Sabrina Zohar Show on Instagram and Sabrina on TikTok! Video now available on YOUTUBE! Disclaimer: The Sabrina Zohar Show, formally known as Do The Work, is not affiliated with A. Z & associates LLC in any capacity. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Speaker 00

  Cheers to fall savings at Whole Foods Market, home of higher ingredient standards. This Halloween, share chocolates and candies, made without that spooky high fructose corn syrup. Throwing a party? Make it easy with a Berry Chantilly Cake. Ready to cook pizza? No antibiotics ever chicken wings. And sushi made fresh daily. Fall gatherings never tasted better. Save through November 3rd at Whole Foods Market.

• 0:28Speaker 01

  It's getting chilly outside. But you know what that means? It's time to cozy up with Panera Bread. Let's get toasty, cheesy. Oh, hello, broccoli cheddar soup in a bread bowl. How about melty? Okay, Chipotle chicken ovo melt. It's dipping bread and soupy goodness season. Oh yeah, we are so back. It's Panera season. Order now.

• 0:57Sabrina Zohar?

  Hello, hello, hello. Welcome to another episode of The Sabrina Zohar Show. My name is Sabrina Zohar and I am your host. Welcome back, my babes. Another so, another opportunity for us to connect a little bit deeper. And today's episode, I'm actually super excited about it because it's something that I've been tiptoeing around, but like, we're going for the jugular, my babes. What does their emotional availability say about yours? We're talking all things emotionally available, how to become emotionally available, what does vulnerability mean? How do you actually show vulnerability? What's the difference between that and oversharing? I got you, guys. Because more often than not, we think, well, I keep going for all these emotionally unavailable people. I don't understand. And it's like, oh, welcome to the mirror effect. So guys, I'm so excited. As always, if you need anything,

• 1:41Sabrina Zohar?

  please don't forget, rate and review the show with love and kindness if you're going to leave anything. Again, we're building a community. This isn't about talking shit. It's about giving honest feedback and I'm here for it. You can leave a comment on YouTube, on Spotify, share it with a friend. That's really all we ask. And if you guys need anything, there's some free guides in the link in bio or link in show notes or whatever. And you can join one of the courses. We've got the foundation course, the breakup course, or the nervous system course. You guys ask about it all the time about regulating techniques and that's why we have the nervous system course. Not everything can be in a podcast form and now we have some. For you guys. So as always, thank you guys for showing up as you and allowing me to show up as me. So without further ado, let's get right the fuck on into it, shall we? Okay, friends, welcome to the emotional intelligence series, right?

• 2:24Sabrina Zohar?

  Last solo, we had the episode on what the fuck is emotional intelligence and all that. And I think it's something that we're not really talking enough about, especially in our culture, right? We're not really talking about how do people show up? How are they showing up for themselves and other people? Do they have the bandwidth, right? The capacity to show up in a different way? And I'm really excited and I'm also really stoked. We're getting so much amazing positive feedback on like the new structure of the shows and the way that I've kind of been doing it. So I really hope you guys are loving it. I'm trying to jam pack things with as much information as I can with also having some fun and some stories and some riffing. And, you know, also don't forget, send in the trenches, right? We have in the trenches at Sabrina's ohar.com. Send us your stories every month. We have a new episode, so I'm really stoked, right? This year is, it's a year of growth.

• 3:08Sabrina Zohar?

  And although we don't know what's happening in the world every single day, right? There's always a fire or this or this, but we have each other. And for that, you know, somebody actually left a comment the other day and I fucking cried. And she said, you always say how proud of us you are, but I'm here to tell you how proud we are of you. And I appreciated that because I often forget I'm so much the cheerleader and I'm so here for you guys to support with like some serious tough love. That I forget that like, I'm also a human and I needed that reminder. And it feels really, really beautiful, this community that we're building. And I want you guys to know, everybody is welcome, but it's not my job to keep everybody comfortable. And I want all and everyone here to feel supported. And if not, that's okay too, right? Like, I get it, it might not be your community, but I'm excited.

• 3:49Sabrina Zohar?

  I'm excited today to talk about what the fuck is emotional availability and why it's a mirror, right? Because we're so quick to catch emotional unavailability in other people. But what about their walls is reflecting our own, right? And that's also called the mirror effect of emotional availability. The people you're drawn to will reflect your own relationship patterns and unmet needs. So here's an example. You're consistently drawn to emotionally unavailable or emotionally distant parents. And I hear this every fucking day of blood, I don't understand. I keep dating these emotionally unavailable people and blah, blah, blah. And it's like, but then when we start to look and say, well, how are you showing up? Because when you are somebody that's emotionally available and you have the bandwidth and the capacity to show up on a deeper level, then somebody else's discomfort doesn't mean that there's something wrong with me, right?

• 4:34Sabrina Zohar?

  It's like, how many times people will be like, you're this, that and the other. And it's like, no, I'm not intimidating. You're intimidated. Right? Like, there's a very big difference between that's somebody else's shit. So like, if I meet somebody that's emotionally unavailable, but I know who I am and I know that that doesn't work for me, well, I'm just gonna walk away. But if you're consistently having a pattern, you see that I keep dating people that are emotionally unavailable. I keep going for people that are hot and cold, that are inconsistent. I just don't understand. Why are they all so avoidant? Why don't they want to be with me? Right there, let me ask you a question. What part of me feels safe in emotional distance? Let that sit for a second. And oftentimes, it could be drawn to, I had a caregiver that was emotionally unavailable. I hear this every single fucking day. And my heart goes out, right?

• 5:17Sabrina Zohar?

  Like even, even my own shit. Like my father was wildly emotionally unavailable. I saw him recently and it became so palpable, especially when he saw Ryan trying to comfort me, right? Like, we're supposed to move to LA. At the time of this recording, I have no fucking clue where we're gonna be, right? Like the fires and all the unknown. And we were at dinner and I was telling my dad, I'm scared, I'm scared. And he kept trying to fix it because that was uncomfortable for him. I don't want to deal with your emotions. And so he kept, you know, making all these comments and ones that like made no fucking sense. You're like, oh, okay. So just move to a third world country and I'll have cheaper rent? It's like, that's not how you answer someone when they're saying they're scared. And Ryan grabbed my hand and he was like, no matter what, we're gonna do this together and I'm here and I'm here to support you. And like, I could see the visceral discomfort of my dad.

• 6:00Sabrina Zohar?

  He moved away and he just kind of, and like, didn't want to engage in the conversation anymore. And it was like, because to him, one, we went against what he said. No, no, the ultimate disrespect and a narcissist dies. But it was more so that somebody else had the emotional bandwidth and availability to be there to support when I needed them. Because emotional distance felt safe for me for so many years. Having a caregiver like that, who doesn't know how to handle someone else's emotions. And more often than not, what we see is when we say, if you're consistently Dating these emotionally unavailable people and you keep seeing these patterns. And I have to ask you, how are you showing up? How are you interacting with these relationships? Are you emotionally distant? Or are you saying, well, I'm not going to say anything. I don't want to push them away. Okay, what are you pushing away?

• 6:44Sabrina Zohar?

  If you're scared that opening up to somebody is going to push them away, I hate to break it to you, then you don't fucking have them to begin with. Because a real, safe and secure partnership starts with open and honest conversations and vulnerability. So if you're dating somebody that is emotionally distant or emotionally unavailable, then we have to also look and say, what does that say about me? What about my emotional availability? Do I know how this makes me feel? What's happening in my body? How I'm feeling? What are the feelings that are coming up? How am I responding or reacting to them? And how old do I feel in this emotional distance? Does this feel familiar? But that one's sinking, Babs.

• 7:17Speaker 00

  Cheers to fall savings at Whole Foods Market, home of higher ingredient standards. This Halloween, share chocolates and candies made without that spooky high fructose corn syrup. Throwing a party? Make it easy with a berry chantilly cake. Ready to cook pizza? No antibiotics ever chicken wings and sushi made fresh daily. Fall gatherings never tasted better. Save through November 3rd at Whole Foods Market.

• 7:45Sabrina Zohar?

  So let's also talk about, I think we want to talk about the difference between emotional availability and emotional intensity. Right? Like just because someone's intense does not mean they're available. Like emotional availability is about consistency, not highs and lows. And I love Dr. Stan Tatkin's work. He was on the podcast last year and I'm just, he's the best. And his work on attachment shows that emotionally available partners create steady, secure connections, not roller coasters. And that's why I'm saying like this high, high, low, low, that could feel familiar. Having the caregiver and the environment that I had growing up, it's no surprise that mostly every guy I dated up until like the year before I met Ryan, was emotionally unavailable. I've told you guys the story. For anybody who knew, I'll tell it to you again. And anybody that's been here, eh, tell me, Zo, shut up. So some of you guys might've heard this and I've said it on the podcast before, but the first time I ever dated somebody emotionally unavailable, I didn't know what the word was.

• 8:30Sabrina Zohar?

  And I'll never forget like scrolling through Insta and seeing like one of those slides of like, what does it mean to be emotionally unavailable? And I was like, oh my God, this is him. Oh my God, this is him. I'll never forget texting my mom, oh my- My god, Blank is emotionally unavailable. That's what this behavior is. It was the first time I'd ever experienced it. And he was so inconsistent. I'm not, I'll never forget, the trip was a fucking nightmare. I, because he lived away and I was going to visit him. And one night it was, I feel so connected to you. I've met an equal. I feel like you see me. You're the one that makes me feel safe. And then literally the next morning, when I was like, you know, that really meant a lot. And he was like, I said I met an equal. I didn't say I met my equal.

• 9:10Sabrina Zohar?

  And I just looked at him and I was like, what fucking planet do you live on? Why? And where are these semantics coming into play that that's acceptable? Right? It's like I was watching 90 Day Fiance and the guy's like, I said wifey, but I meant it as a friend. And it's like, no, you didn't. You said what you said and now you're backtracking because that means that there's emotional intensity coming. And that's okay, right? That's where that person is. And I'll never forget, he was like, you know, I'm emotionally unavailable, blah, blah, blah. I have my avoidance. And I was like, yeah, no, that's not cute anymore. I was like, explanation or an excuse. Great. You're aware of it. What the fuck are you doing with it? And like, that's why that relationship lasted like, not even a month, because like, we had this amazing time together. Then there was like a two week period before we had seen each other again. Once I saw him again in a different environment and was like, oh, you're not playing the part.

• 9:54Sabrina Zohar?

  You're not playing pretend boyfriend for a weekend. I'm on your turf. You're trying to hide me. You don't want anyone, like, he had a fitness company and he was like, by the way, I don't do PDA, blah, blah. And I was like, no, you just don't want me to be affectionate in front of it because you don't want people to know that we're fucking. You don't want people to know that I'm the girl that you're here, that's here visiting and staying at your fucking house. I was like, I'd rather you just tell me that, but this of the excuses. And I remember like, he got invited to a birthday party that weekend that I was visiting. And his response was, why are you trying to come with me? What are you trying to get from me? You're trying to pin me down. And I was like, you're going to a birthday party this weekend? What? You're gonna leave me at the house with the dog so you can go sleep out for the night? Like, that's how somebody is so emotionally unavailable. He couldn't just stop and say, hey, I'm freaking out. You're about to meet all of my good friends. I didn't plan this properly. I apologize that I brought you. Like, no.

• 10:40Sabrina Zohar?

  Full of excuses. And that's where I have to say, like, that's where I walked away. And I said, I'm not doing this anymore. I gave you the benefit of the doubt. I was fucking showing up. I am emotionally available because this doesn't work for me. And that's, it was the hardest thing. This is one of the most gorgeous human beings I had literally ever laid my eyes on. And we had a connection, like, it was tough to walk away. It was scary for me to walk away because I was like, oh, my God. But what if I never find anybody like this? And what if this was my person? And it's like, it wasn't. It wasn't my person. The dude had such a bad reputation, he had to leave the town he lived in and move to another one because so many people had like a negative connotation on him. So we have to remember that a lot of the times, like, somebody else's emotional availability is theirs to own. But if you're consistently going after the same people, it's like, well, then what does that say about yours? Right?

• 11:25Sabrina Zohar?

  And somebody had asked, why do I keep attracting emotionally unavailable people? And it's like, you might be unconsciously recreating familiar dynamics from your past. And instead of chasing availability in others, focus on becoming available in yourself first. Right? That's the number one takeaway, is this isn't about, how do I figure out they're emotionally unavailable? How do I play detective? It's like, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Right? Like, it's about seeing, how am I feeling? What's coming up for me? What are my patterns? How am I showing up? And how are there, is there emotional availability or unavailability hitting me? Because oftentimes I see this, if you have a pattern where you consistently go for emotionally unavailable people, then meeting somebody healthy is going to feel really fucking scary and uncomfortable. So, let's talk about some signs that they are emotionally available because I think

• 12:10Sabrina Zohar?

  that's really important. So the first one is, they can sit with discomfort. And whether that's they or you, right? So emotionally available people, they don't run from hard conversations or shut down in conflict. Conflict and repair is so important. Right? So like, I want you guys to use this tool, it's called comfort and discomfort reflection. And I want you to ask, like, myself or them, do they lean into difficult moments or do they deflect? I had this with Ryan the other day. We had a big talk, big, big, big talk because I came down and I'll give you an example. And like, it was quickly rectified and it actually ended up becoming like a really big conversation we had where I was like, I'm done with this shit. And like, he made plans without me, essentially. And he had done this already two times with his friend. And I was like, you can't just make plans. Tell me one thing.

• 12:54Sabrina Zohar?

  And then the day comes and all of a sudden, the whole day is different because you and your friend planned it, but then you didn't talk to me about it when I'm part of the fucking plans, right? Like, we were originally supposed to go to his friend. It was my idea. I was like, we were gonna go have lunch as a date. And I said, why don't you invite your best friend, have him come meet us. Then all of a sudden, they made these old plans of this whole day that they were gonna do. They were gonna go for a hike. And then all of a sudden, it was, oh, I forgot to tell you. I guess, yeah, you have to drive down and meet us. And I was like, but that was never the arrangement. It wasn't that I was gonna drive down an hour to come meet you later in the afternoon. And it's okay if you wanna do that, but communicate that with me. I don't give a fuck. You could go do whatever you want. I just need to know. So my day, I can also plan it, because I thought I had this whole after morning planned and afternoon, and then it all shifted. So when the next plans came, I just said to him in the morning, I was like, listen, I know that you have your friend coming. I just wanted to talk now that the day has changed

• 13:38Sabrina Zohar?

  and I'm no longer gonna be out of the house. I just wanted to map out what that looks like, because you guys had planned. I just wanted to let you know I'm gonna be home. And he just went, okay. And I was like, whoa, what's the attitude? I was like, what is the issue? And he was like, nothing. And I was like, oh, okay, like temper tantrum, right? I'm like, okay, little Ryan's in the room. And I was like, what do you mean, nothing? I was like, this reaction to me doesn't tell me that there's nothing. And I was like, what is the problem? And he just snapped and he goes, your anxiety is the problem. That's what, maybe that's why I haven't said anything. And he instantly realized, as I did, and I just said, fuck you. I was like, how dare you. And he even stopped and he was like, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I deflected. I did not take accountability. I am so sorry. And like, it turned into a much, much bigger conversation. And like, truth be told, like,

• 14:21Sabrina Zohar?

  hey, I won't accept this type of behavior. Like, you do not get to come to me and tell me because you fucked up on something that that's my anxiety. And he totally took ownership and we had a conversation. But my point being is like, do you have people that will have that repair, right? And it's not just, well, because you're fucking needy. Or god, you're so clingy. God, you always have a problem. It's like, do they just deflect? Or do they stop and say, I I'm so sorry. I didn't realize that my actions had that much of an impact. Can I take ownership of that? You cannot move on from with somebody unless they take accountability and ownership. You just can't. You can't have a relationship with somebody who everything is everyone else's problem. We've all been there. I had a friend who was dating a fucking guy and he had an alcohol problem and he lost a job, like a specific job that he was going for. And his response to her

• 15:05Sabrina Zohar?

  was, well, you made me drink. You caused me stress yesterday, so I drank and then I lost the gig. Mind you, all she had told him was that he had said something rude to her and she was like, that's not cool with me. I was there for it. I literally saw it and I was like, that's deflection. That's not having emotional availability. Instead of saying, hey, I got really stressed. What you'd said to me made me feel like I was being rejected and it's not that you did anything wrong. I internalized it. I shut down and I apologized because of that I turned to drinking and I lost this job and I need to take ownership, right? Like that's on me. Instead, it was, no, that was her fault. That's what I mean by like, how emotionally available are they? The second aspect, like they show consistent behavior over time. And this is the thing, guys. Emotional availability isn't about big grand gestures. It's about showing up in

• 15:49Sabrina Zohar?

  small, steady ways, right? Like they don't just text you when they're lonely, or when they're bored, or when they have nothing else, or they send the generic good morning text to 13 women. It's like, they check in because they genuinely value the connection. Just because maybe you haven't texted somebody for a fucking day, doesn't mean that all of a sudden they call you and they're like, hey, I missed you. I just, yesterday was so crazy. I had such a shitty day, but I was thinking about you all day and I'm so excited to see you this weekend. I want consistency over time. I don't want the grandiosity. I hear it every fucking day. We met and we spent all this time together and we were inseparable. And then all of a sudden they changed and after two weeks they became inconsistent. It's like, that person might not be emotionally available. That person might have just been doing the playbook.

• 16:31Speaker 00

  Cheers to fall savings at Whole Foods Market, home of higher ingredient standards. This Halloween, share chocolates and candies made without that spooky high fructose corn syrup. Throwing a party? Make it easy with a berry chantilly cake. Ready to cook pizza? No antibiotics ever chicken wings. And sushi made fresh daily. Fall gatherings never tasted better. Save through November 3rd at Whole Foods Market.

• 17:00Speaker 01

  It's getting chilly outside. But you know what that means?

• 17:06Speaker 01

  It's time to cozy up with Panera Bread. Let's get toasty, cheesy. Oh, hello broccoli cheddar soup in a red bowl. How about melty? Okay, Chipotle chicken avo melt. It's dipping bread and soupy goodness season. Oh yeah, we are so back. It's Panera season. Order now.

• 17:29Sabrina Zohar?

  So let's look at emotional availability like this. You're in a pool and somebody emotionally unavailable. They understand the shallow part. They can swim in the really shallow part. But once you go to the deep end, up, that's it. That's why they'll hop out and go, ah, nope, was I didn't. I wrote a check I wasn't ready to cash. When you're emotionally available, the deep end doesn't scare you. You're like, yes, let's continue to explore each other. Think about it. When you go in the pool, you're just diving right into the deep end. No, you go into the shallow. You build your way to see if they consistently can show up. A lot of people can show up for a little bit. And that's why they say, look, give it three months before you make decisions. Not because at three months, it's the golden rule. It's because after three months, it's really difficult for somebody to still wear a mask. It's hard to continue. Like my mama always says, a thief thinks everyone else is a thief. And when you have lies, you have to compound those lies. You have to live up to those lies.

• 18:14Sabrina Zohar?

  It's easy to come off the bat and be like, I want you to meet all my friends and family and all this, and then not do shit about it. Right? And be like, oh, sorry, we're moving too fast. That person's not emotionally available. They're love bombing you with intensity to try to get you quick. And another thing to look out for is they validate your experience out without trying to fix it. Right? Like available partners, they can hold space for your emotions, but they're not trying to solve or dismiss them. Right? It's like half the time when somebody like Ryan could go through stuff and I'm like, I'll ask him and he'll ask me like, do you want advice or do you just want me to listen? I love Britt Frank, she's one of my best friends and she'll do the same. She's like, do you want therapist Britt or do you want friend Britt? She was like, do you want me to listen or do you want me to support? And I'm like, thank you. That's sometimes what I need. Right? So next time you share a tough feeling, I want you to notice if they listen without

• 18:58Sabrina Zohar?

  jumping in to try to fix you. Like my dad, when I said, I'm feeling this and it was, well, all these things. And you're like, you know what would have actually done a lot better for me is if you just said, hey, that makes so much sense. I get that that could be really scary and I want you to know I'm here for you no matter what. I never heard that as a kid. No one ever really validated my emotions. It was try to get rid of them. I don't like them, don't want to deal with it. So of course, why wouldn't I feel like I was too much when I had a caregiver that exemplified that? Right? And someone asked, how do I know if someone is emotionally available or just good at pretending? Well, because emotional availability shows inconsistency and presence, not just words or initial effort. Right? We want to look for patterns, not performances. And this is what I'm saying about like, scratch the surface, allow someone to show you different parts of you. And stop just taking what somebody says off the bat.

• 19:44Sabrina Zohar?

  All right. So you had a good fucking date. That doesn't mean that the end all be all. Right? And like, you know, we have to remember like emotional availability requires self-awareness. Cause you cannot connect deeply with others if you're disconnected from your own emotions. And I wanted to just stop there for a second. Because I think so many of us are on autopilot, right? And that's why, fun fact, anxious folks are also avoidant. Anxious folks are also emotionally unavailable. We see emotional unavailability and avoidant, right? They shut down. They don't have, they don't want to have hard conversations. They run. But the anxious person is also emotionally unavailable. They hyper-focus on everyone else. They're hyper-focused on being abandoned or left. They outwardly need the validation and they need the other person to let them know. They're scared of having conversations. They're not willing to open up and be honest and vulnerable.

• 20:28Sabrina Zohar?

  Both the people are being emotionally unavailable. So the tool for that, emotional check-in, right? I want you to ask yourself every fucking day, what am I feeling right now? And what do I need in this moment? I had this the other night when I was super anxious and I was like, how am I feeling right now? I was like, I'm on loop and I'm not feeling great. What do I need right now? I was like, to put my phone down and to go get some water. I'm a fucking plant. I need sunshine and water. I'm very simple things. But we all do need something and it's oftentimes we overlook it. And maybe the need is, I need to validate that this is okay for me to want this. You have every right to take up space, but that's again, emotional availability. And honestly, what I see more often than not is that like fear vulnerability blocks emotional availability. If you're afraid of being seen fully, then you will probably unconsciously attract partners who keep you at arm's length.

• 21:12Sabrina Zohar?

  Right? Cause vulnerability is a practice. It's not just like a one thing. And let's talk about it. What is vulnerability? It's the willingness to show up and share your authentic self, even when there's a risk of rejection, judgment, or discomfort. Right? This isn't about oversharing. It's about leaning into the emotional honesty and allowing others to see your true feelings and deepening connections through fucking trust. That's what Dr. Brené Brown talks about all the time, right? She says she defines vulnerability as the birthplace of love and connection because without vulnerability, everything will stay surface, right? And I understand vulnerability feels hard, right? We have the fear of rejection. If I show my true self, they might leave. We have perfectionism. I don't want to appear too strong. I have it all together. Nobody needs to see that. We have past trauma. Vulnerability feels unsafe due to past experiences. I understand it. That's

• 21:55Sabrina Zohar?

  why I think I've had my career is because I'm not afraid of being myself. Listen, I do get judged every fucking day. Why do you think I make a comment about the reviews? It's not that you guys have, you can have whatever opinion you want. Some people are just blatant, straight up fucking mean, right? I've seen other podcasts where people will leave five star review and be like, love this show, didn't love this guest, but like still supporting. Instead, sometimes I'll get one star review because like, I don't like where you put an ad. It's like, whoa, right? So like, even me being myself, I don't like how you speak. I don't like this. And it's like, so I put myself out there all the time. When I share stories about my partnership, I do that to help and it, I get flash hit back all the time. I get people that'll fucking attack. And it's like, but that's their bullshit. I don't have to then hide who I am and say, oh my God, will I have to be perfect?

• 22:36Sabrina Zohar?

  It's like, I'm a human. You can judge me all day. I'm still gonna go on with my life. And the benefits of vulnerability is it deepens connection, right? It authenticity, it starts, it's the building block of intimacy. It also promotes emotional growth. You become more resilient by facing uncomfortable emotions. That's why I say, sit in the discomfort, right? Like, one of my clients messaged me this morning and she had like three dates with this guy and she was like, well, he's going away and like, I want to tell him how I feel and I want to let him know that, like, I don't appreciate that he hasn't asked me on another date. And the first thing I said to her, I was like, this is where I say, sit in the discomfort. I was like, you don't know this person. You've had three dates with him. The guy is going to visit his family for like a week right now is the holidays. And I was like, do you think the time right now is to let him know after he has not

• 23:18Sabrina Zohar?

  asked you to hang out? He doesn't owe you anything, right? I'm speaking in gender norms. It was a man and female, but this could be anybody. And I was like, you know, this is where I say, sit in the discomfort. I was like, because let him go away. Let this person do what they need, right? Allow this person to show up authentically as who they are. He's gonna go away. Don't try to control The situation. Yeah, every day feels uncomfortable. Is he going to call me when he gets back? Are they going to remember who I am? Are they going to forget about me? Well, then, right there, you've lost the relationship. If it's so easy for someone to forget about you, then you don't actually have a real connection. That's an attachment. I'm not scared of my partner forgetting about me because I know what we have is very real and deep. And so that's where I say, sit in the discomfort. What are the uncomfortable emotions that we are trying to avoid? Right? What's coming up for us? That's why Masha and I created the nervous system course.

• 24:03Sabrina Zohar?

  Guys, I see your comments. I see your emails of like, can you do an episode on how to regulate? What does it look like? What are tools? It's like, no, that's something that you can purchase. Right? That's my business, right? And I'm here. I've created a course for you guys. I got it for you. If you need it, it's there. And if not, that's okay, too, right? Like, I do have a free guide. If you want something for free, it's there. But nonetheless, it's like, it's part of that is sitting in the discomfort. I want to text this person, but instead, I'm going to see where my nervous system at is on the ladder and I'm going to do something for myself to help and do something in my control and not wait for someone else to let me know that it's okay. Because vulnerabilities help partners feel safe while being themselves. And here is how to practice it, right? I want you to start small. Start small. I want you to share a minor personal detail or feeling in a safe environment, like with a close friend, right? And letting them know, like, I've been feeling really overwhelmed lately

• 24:49Sabrina Zohar?

  and I'm trying to work through it. That's it. And if they're like, hey, do you need any help? You can let them know, like, hey, I don't need you to fix it. I don't need any help. I just wanted to share that I need to get it off my chest. Or, you know, it's been a really tough week this week and I'm doing my best. How many times? I always just ask when people would say, how are you? I'd be like, do you want the real answer or the PC one? And some people would be like, what? Or I'd test it. They'd be like, how are you? I'd be like, I'm having a really tough week. And you could see people like getting thrown off. They'd be like, good thing she, oh, what? And it's like, because they were like, oh, sorry to hear. And I'd be like, it's okay, right? I'm just a human. I've been really stressed and all that. And you can see they don't know what to do with it. And that's okay, right? Like, that's, everybody's on their journey. But for me, I'm going to still show up being vulnerable and open because that's the way I want to live.

• 25:27Speaker 00

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• 25:55Sabrina Zohar?

  Another way that you could do this is name your emotions, right? Name it to tame it. Practice identifying and expressing what you're feeling, right? Like, "I feel hurt when you didn't check in after our conversation yesterday." "I feel really bummed that I went three days without hearing from you and I thought we had a really great connection." Right? And I get it, "Oh, I don't want to be too much." And it's like, again, then you are not emotionally available because you're choosing their needs over yours. You're scared of losing them more than you're scared of fucking losing yourself. And now I need you to ask for what you need and be clear about your needs and setting boundaries, right? "I need some of your reassurance right now. Can we talk about how we're feeling? I'm really struggling right now and I just would love to just understand how you're thinking." And I want you guys to reframe vulnerabilities as strength, right? It takes courage and it creates opportunities. So instead, maybe we can say like, "Being vulnerable means I value connection more than my fear of judgment."

• 26:40Sabrina Zohar?

  "Being vulnerable allows me to create a safe space." "Being vulnerable allows me to authentically step into my power and not be scared of the rejection that I'm going to feel from other people." I don't really care half the time about like, "Listen, of course, I value feedback." There's a difference between feedback and being judged, right? It's the same as like, whenever these trolls will attack me, like somebody tried to say like, "A woman in her mid-40s giving this advice." And it's like, "The minute you have to attack somebody about their age, their looks..." And it's like, "Fuck off. We all know I'm not in my mid-40s, you miserable fucking troll." But it's like, "Okay, right, that's your projection all over me." "Why? Because I said that hyperfixation on texting isn't healthy for you." If you have to result and resort to attacking someone for who they are, their character, their appearance, because of your discomfort...

• 27:23Sabrina Zohar?

  Mm hmm. Yeah. I think that says more about them than it does about the other person. And to me, I'm like, that's okay. You're allowed to have your opinion of me. I don't have to let you into my space. I could block you and get you out of my fucking ecosystem. If you hate me so much, why would I allow you to see more of my content? That's what I have in my control. I can't control them. I can work on my insecurities. I can work on what that brings out in me of like, okay, that hurts. But I also can't own it because everybody, like an asshole, everyone is allowed to have an opinion. We all have a butthole. We all have an opinion. That doesn't mean, but your opinion of me is none of my business. Right? And I want you to start practicing vulnerability with people who have shown you that they can hold space without judgment. Right? And so let's ask some questions. I told you, I'm not going to give you homework, but I will give you some things to start to think about. Because again, I don't want this podcast to turn into a chore.

• 28:08Sabrina Zohar?

  I want this to be fun. I want us to grow together and I want you to feel like, welcome to weekly service of the Sabrina Zohar Show, right? I'm not in religion, but I don't want to be. I'm not a cult. I'm not trying to be any of that. But I want you guys to come and feel like you can grow together with us. So what's one fear holding you back from being vulnerable? All right, I'm scared that this person's going to judge me. Okay, what does their judgment mean about me? Am I scared of them judging me or myself? Right? Who in your life feels safe to open up? I remember when I was doing EMDR for the first time, it was tough for me. They said, who's your safe person? And I didn't have anybody. My nervous system, every time I brought someone in my head, I was like, they're not safe. And so now I've created that, right? And what's one small way you can practice vulnerability this week? Maybe just telling somebody that you've had a really tough week, but you're doing your best. And we have to remember too, like the impact of co-regulation on availability.

• 28:53Sabrina Zohar?

  It's incredible. Emotionally available partners create a space where your nervous system feels safe. Right? That's deeper intimacy. Dr. Sue Johnson's research on emotionally focused therapy shows that co-regulation strengthens emotional bonds over time. Just the other day, when I was feeling freaking out about the move and everything, and Ryan just hugged me, and I could feel, I could feel my nervous system calming down, having somebody else is there to say, it's okay, I got you. So don't be afraid to co-regulate, but also understanding when we need to do that versus when we're like, hey, I need to do this myself. And I also want you to start looking at like, what are your avoidance tactics? Do you distract yourself when things get too close? Do you downplay your needs to avoid rejection? Right? What's your, here's a tool, the vulnerability radar.

• 29:33Sabrina Zohar?

  I want you to identify moments when you've shut down emotionally and explore what you're protecting yourself from. So again, if we're saying, I'm scared of opening up because they're going to push me away. What is that protecting you from? For rejection, from somebody abandoning you? Does that really make sense if I've known this person for two days? How old do I sound? Who has the mic right now? Where am I in the nervous system ladder? Right? That's what me and Masha talk about in the course. Like, am I feeling ventral? Am I feeling sympathetic? Am I feeling dorsal? What's happening in my body? What are the physical manifestations of that? Get curious. Oh, wow, my heart starts to flutter. Oh, that's anxiety. Right? Your vagus nerve is right in the middle of your chest, right? That's sternum. My shoulders start to tense. Oh, that's what happens when I get dysregulated. Who knew? Right? And then we can practice microvulnerabilities, right?

• 30:16Sabrina Zohar?

  This is about what we were talking about, sharing one small thing to build that emotional resilience. Right? Like, even if it's just a small thing of being like, I think you look really beautiful today. And I just wanted to tell you that. And I want you guys to reframe rejection, because emotional availability does require risk. I'm so fucking tired of hearing this of like, I'm scared to get hurt. And it's like, well, I'm scared to lose money, but that doesn't mean that I'm not going to still show up every day and try to make, like, have a job. Right? Like, I get it. All of us, I'm scared of being judged every day, but I would be more scared to hide who I am than to allow somebody else's opinion of me dictate who I am. Rejection isn't a reflection of your worth. It's an opportunity for clarity. And I need us, I need you guys to reframe this. Instead of the, they didn't choose me, I want you to reframe it to, this wasn't the right match for the version of me I'm becoming.

• 31:01Sabrina Zohar?

  Rejection is redirection. Let them fucking go. And you want to build emotional availability over time? Let's start with some practices. Daily practices. Right? In the morning, I want you to set your intentions. How can I show up for myself emotionally today? Again, does that mean that if anything happens, I'm not going to judge myself? I will speak with myself with kindness and compassion? I will get curious about an emotion that's coming up? I'll take a second to understand where I feel it in my body and what's happening? Right? What did I learn about my emotional patterns today? There is nice at the end of the day. If you're like, wow, yeah, this consistently happened. I blew up at this person today because this happened. Right? And I want you to also write one meaningful interaction every day and reflect on how did it make you feel? When I talked to this person at the grocery store, it made me feel seen, heard, and understood that this person gave a shit about asking me how I'm feeling.

• 31:45Sabrina Zohar?

  Someone asked, how can I become more emotionally available without losing my sense of self? Which is an episode that we did, but it's like, emotional availability is about balance. It's staying open while honoring your boundaries and needs. So for this week, I want you Guys to practice asking yourself, am I showing up for myself emotionally? How can I create a deeper emotional safety in my connections? Share it in the comments, right? Let us know, what are you experiencing? Did this resonate? Did you feel like, fuck, man? Yeah, I guess my dad or my mom or my caregiver, my uncle, my aunt, my grandparents, my siblings, were wildly emotionally unavailable. And I've had clients like that, that they're like, my parents in my household, if you cried, they would walk out of me, right? And so it felt really confusing and polarizing. So it feels safer to be with somebody who doesn't show emotion, because that's the devil I know versus the devil I don't.

• 32:29Sabrina Zohar?

  And it's just, again, get curious. This is all about introspection and emotional availability is a growing and forever practice. Right? That's why Ryan and I do, can I share something with you? We ask for consent and then I'll say like, hey, this is really impacting me. And I just wanted to share that because I'm so scared of losing myself, more than I'm scared of losing my partner. If me being honest and open and telling them how I feel sends them away, thank you for doing me the favor, because that means that you're just like my caregiver, that I can't be myself, because at the risk that you're going to leave me, or you're not going to be happy with me, or I have to show up and be perfect. I have to be this version of myself. I don't, I don't. But you know what I do? I will acknowledge and say that really hurt my feelings. Or when my father last night was dismissive of me and my partner and made me feel really small, I took note of that.

• 33:14Sabrina Zohar?

  Didn't mean I had to do anything about it. I don't have to change anybody else. But emotional availability would mean that imagine if I went on a date with this person, hypothetically speaking, somebody like that, that I would go, oh, this doesn't work for me. Clearly you don't have any emotional availability. I do, I'm trying to have these conversations with you and you keep shying away, or dismissing, or deflecting, or bringing up another topic, or being really inconsistent, or hot and cold. And, you know, I don't have time for that anymore. And so take a minute, really journal on it today, that if you have a pattern, right? And like, that's the foundation course. The first week, we go over patterns because it's so fucking important. You have a pattern? Start to understand it. Yeah, I always go for emotionally unavailable people. What do they all have in common? They don't want to talk about relationships. They are scared to have deeper conversations, right? Okay, and then what's my part in it? I don't ask these questions. I'm scared, I'm avoiding getting hurt.

• 33:58Sabrina Zohar?

  Okay, and how can I show up differently? What am I so scared of happening? And that's that scarcity mindset. Well, I won't find anybody else. I never connect with someone else. This is the first time I felt this. That scarcity mindset. Because for that same thing, I would say, really? So the last eight people in a row, they were all the one, all the same feeling, oh, right? We've all had, and that's okay. You're human. But it's also about calling yourself out on your shit and being like, yeah, I'm not being emotionally available right now. I'm living in scarcity. I'm not living in the abundant mind state. And I'm really, really projecting my fears onto everybody else, which is why I'm dating people that don't want to have these conversations with me either. Again, you keep dating emotionally unavailable people. What does that say about you? I'm tired. It's the same thing with the avoidant thing. It's like, sure, sure, there's going to be avoidance and narcissism and all that. You don't need to allow it. And the more that we go into this of like, trying to understand them and why them, them,

• 34:42Sabrina Zohar?

  them, them, the further from you we are getting. I hope you guys loved this episode, guys. Let me know in the comments. Leave a comment. Engage with each other. It's so fun to see when you guys write in. Let me know how you guys are. Let me know where you're on in the spectrum of emotional availability. Let me know if you want a part two, what I missed out of this, or any questions that you have that I might not have answered. Maybe I can create a YouTube on it. Whatever you guys need, I am here to support you on your journey. And I'm just so grateful. So guys, please don't forget, rate, review the show. Share it to a friend. Follow along on Apple and Spotify on the Sabrina Zohar Show, Instagram at the Sabrina Zohar Show, and at sabrina.zohar, YouTube, all the socials, Sabrina Zohar, sabrina.zohar.com. If you want to join a course or download a free guide, whatever you guys need, babes, I am here for you.

• 35:25Sabrina Zohar?

  And guys, thank you for another amazing week. Until next time.

• 35:35Speaker 01

  It's getting chilly outside. But you know what that means? It's time to cozy up with Panera Bread. Let's get toasty, cheesy. Oh, hello, broccoli cheddar soup in a bread bowl. How about melty? Okay, Chipotle Chicken Ovo Melt. It's dipping bread and soupy goodness season. Oh, yeah, we are so back. It's Panera season. Order now.

• 36:04Speaker 03

  I don't know what I'm doing.

• 36:05Speaker 04

  Need a break. Forget it, I quit. Escape to Pluto TV.

• 36:09Sabrina Zohar?

  This is objectively fantastic.

• 36:11Speaker 04

  Relax into the movies and shows you already know and love, all for free. Shwing! Even our news is uplifting. You stay classy, San Diego. Watch Tommy Boy, Crazy Ex Girlfriend, Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy, The Ex-Files, Wayne's World, and so much more. We're not worthy! The best things on TV really are free. You just have to know where to look. Escape to Pluto TV. Stream now, pay never.