186: Is It Lovebombing? Or Were They Genuinely Interested?

When someone comes on strong early, it can feel like intimacy—but it’s often just intensity. In this episode, Sabrina breaks down love bombing, future faking, and why fast-moving connections activate dopamine and attachment wounds rather than real emotional safety. She explains what’s actually happening in your brain when chemistry feels overwhelming and why those relationships tend to crash just as fast. You’ll learn the most common signs of love bombing, why stable connection can feel boring at first, and how anxious attachment keeps people hooked on the high. Sabrina also shares the Reality Check Pause, a practical tool to slow down, spot red flags early, and build relationships based on consistency, trust, and choice—not urgency or fear of being alone. If you’re struggling with breakups or repeating unhealthy relationship cycles, this episode breaks down why heartbreak hurts so deeply and how healing actually begins. If you’re ready to slow down, trust your instincts, and break your old dating patterns, the Healthy Relationship Foundations Course walks you through it step-by-step HERE! If you’re serious about changing your dating patterns instead of repeating them, the Art of Going Slow course helps you unlearn urgency, regulate your nervous system, and build real connection without rushing, chasing, or abandoning yourself HERE! Get Ad free HERE! Want to work with Sabrina? HERE! Get merch for The Sabrina Zohar Show HERE! Don't forget to follow Sabrina and The Sabrina Zohar Show on Instagram and Sabrina on TikTok! Video now available on YOUTUBE! ============================= Chapters 0:00 Love Bombing vs Real Intimacy 3:10 Intensity Feels Like Connection 6:05 Dopamine and Dating Chemistry 9:30 Why Fast Relationships Crash 12:40 Texting, Attention, and Control 16:05 Future Faking Red Flags 19:20 Intermittent Reinforcement Explained 23:10 Why Healthy Love Feels Boring 27:00 The Reality Check Pause Tool 31:00 How to Slow Down Without Losing Them Disclaimer: The Sabrina Zohar Show, formerly known as Do The Work, is not affiliated with A. Z & associates LLC in any capacity. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:01Speaker 00

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• 0:31Speaker 01

  This episode is brought to you by State Farm. Football has a play for just about everything. You can go deep, keep it on the ground, or draw up something nobody sees coming. And whether you want to run a flea flicker or the tush push, you need a plan to fit your unique situation. That's why State Farm takes the time to get to know you so they can help personalize coverage for your life and budget. Now that's a solid game plan. Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there.

• 0:59Sabrina Zohar?

  Have you ever had someone tell you on the third date that they've never felt this way about anyone? That you're different and they just like, no. And oh my God, this feels so special and different. And part of you is like, oh my God, finally. Like someone finally gets it, isn't afraid to go all in. But then there's another part of you. It might be a lot of quieter that's like, how do they know that? Right? Like you don't even know my fucking middle name. You haven't seen me stressed. You haven't seen me stick. You haven't seen me bored. And the thing is, is like that intensity feels like intimacy, but they're not the same. Hello, hello, hello. Welcome to another episode of the Sabrina's O'Hara Show. My name is Sabrina's O'Hara and I am your host. Welcome back, babes. Today, I'm really excited. I'm gonna be breaking down why that rush when someone comes on strong might be a sign that something is missing, not that something is there. And I want you to stick around at the end because I've got a tool called the Reality Check Pause that you can use in real time when you're in the middle of that whirlwind to figure out if it's real

• 1:44Sabrina Zohar?

  or if you're fucking being played. And guys, as always, don't forget to rate and review the show, leave a comment, share it with a friend. And if you guys need anything, we've got the Foundation Course. We have the Going Slow Course. We've got resources, whatever you want. Check it all out at sabrina'soher.com. But first, let's talk about what's actually happening in your brain when this happens. And side note, don't forget, if you guys want ad free, that is an option. I get it. Not for everybody. So don't forget to check that out. Okay. Let's talk about, and I want to kind of zoom out because I think we hear love bombing. And I remember even like when Love Island was going on and everyone's like Jeremiah is love bombing her. And it's like, there is a difference, right? I think some people see love bombing as like they're coming on strong. And it's like, okay, no, those are two separate things. You can have someone that comes on strong and then there's love bombing.

• 2:27Sabrina Zohar?

  To me, love bombing, it's not always out of malice. Like I even had a friend I had to talk to the other day. By the time this comes out, luckily it'll be a couple of weeks after. But I had a friend the other day that I was talking to and he kept saying, no, no, I was just like really, you know, I was like really into this person. And I was like, motherfucker, we need to talk. And I was like, you love bombed him. He's like, no, I didn't. Love bombing would assume. And he was like, I asked ChatGPT and love bombing told me that that means that it would have to have been like certain behaviors and out of malice and I was intentional. And I was like, no, love bombing is an inorganic amount of love, attention and affection given in a short amount of time. You know, you're amazing. I know you're amazing, but how the fuck does this person that you've had five minutes on a date with know how amazing you are and that you're the love of their life and you're the one? And they want to share all these things and you should meet the friends and the family. This person is chasing a feeling. They're not actually chasing you, which is why it fizzles real fucking quick.

• 3:12Sabrina Zohar?

  Because if you comment at a hundred, where else are you going to go? So your brain cannot tell the difference between real love and manufactured intensity. This is where the studies come in. So when someone love bombs you, it's not just emotional, it's chemical. And your brain literally cannot tell the difference between genuine love and manufactured intensity. We've spoken about this neuroscientist, but there's someone called Helen Fisher at Rutgers. And she did this fascinating research. She put people who were newly in love into FMRI machines and looked at their brain activity. What she found was that early romantic love activates the same reward pathways as addiction. So we're talking about the ventral tagmental area. It's the caudate nucleus. Now for some of, most of us, we're like, I don't know what the fuck that means, but there's the science of it. And there are parts of your brain that light up when you're chasing a high.

• 3:52Sabrina Zohar?

  It's the same areas that activate with cocaine, with gambling, with anything that creates that feeling of more, more, more. So that is why I will continue to say, the hill I will fucking die on is somebody texting you every single day does not mean that they are the one for you. Somebody that comes in after one or two dates and tells you that they're the love and your soulmate and we should do this and we should do that. They don't fucking know you. They are creating a false sense of intimacy. Texting does not mean that this person has the bandwidth or actually wants a relationship with you. They could just like the fucking attention. Attention is very different than intention. So when someone is texting you constantly, they're calling you their soulmate on week two. They're making plans for the future, but if they even fucking know your last name or what your allergies are, your brain is getting hit with dopamine. And here's what the thing about dopamine, it doesn't care if this person is actually good for you.

• 4:36Sabrina Zohar?

  It doesn't evaluate whether this is healthy. It wants more. Hence why it's your brain on drugs and the drug is them. I'm sorry, but how many of us know that like drugs are bad? Drinking and driving is bad and people still do it because they want the hit. They want the high, they want the next, next, next. Why do you think people chase the spark? The trauma tingles. Because if your body is flooded with oxytocin and dopamine, if they were an ugly and attractive person, you'd be running for the hills, but because they're a fucking babe, you're like, oh my God, this must be the one. But it's just familiar or it could be even a pattern. That doesn't mean that you guys are compatible and gonna run off into the sunset. We have to stop chasing feelings and then wonder why we're left empty when the feelings fade. Here's where it becomes a problem though. And I'm later, I'm gonna give you the five signs you are being loved bomb and some of

• 5:19Sabrina Zohar?

  these are going to fucking surprise you. And so I want to talk about why the high doesn't last. That's the problem. So dopamine is for pursuit. It is not built for stability. And that is the thing. Dopamine is designed for pursuit. And so what that actually means is that it is a reward mechanism. So we had Dr. Chris Lee on in December, if you guys want to go back and listen to that episode where we talk a lot about dopamine and how like it interacts with the brain. Dopamine gets released in anticipation of and like anything else, so think about this. I don't really drink alcohol. It's just not my thing. I just don't like the taste. And the other night, Ryan and I went to dinner and they brought us some champagne as like a, you know, happy new year. I said, yeah, okay, I'll have a sip, one sip. And I was like, woo hoo. One, right?

• 6:02Sabrina Zohar?

  Because my body is like, I don't normally do this, but if I drink, drink, drink, drink, drink every single day, I had a bottle of champagne, eventually I'm going to need more, I'm going to need more, I'm going to need more because it's no, it's no longer novelty. It's no longer special. It's no longer unique. That's now your baseline is being lowered. That's why when someone love bombs you, it's really hard. Like mama says, when you started a hundred, where else are you gonna go? When someone comes in hot, where else are you building to? Now, I'm not saying you should be bored. I'm not saying that you should be doing charity work or that you should only go out with people that you're not satisfied. It was like, no, I'm not fucking saying that. And I think we can all be adults about this. But even my friend that I was talking about that was love bombing this guy. They met and within three days, he's meeting all the friends and family, like friends like,

• 6:45Sabrina Zohar?

  friends like me and some of our other people in our community that were like, you shouldn't be introducing people to us that quickly. Like, not everyone should have access to some of the people that you know. And they were like, they were traveling already together, they were living together after a week. By two and a half weeks, guess what didn't work? Because the other guy's a human and started to have emotions and feelings. My friend is a human and had emotions and feelings. And they didn't have the stability, they didn't have the foundation of safety built. Because like, right now, I could go say something to Ryan, "Yeah, we've got three years of foundation and safety." But if I had just met him, that's not gonna land the same. So, what's the reality here is like, we have to be cognizant and aware that healthy takes time. Why do you think I created the Going Slow fucking course? Because you guys needed the help with that, so go check that out.

• 7:28Sabrina Zohar?

  But it's there because rushing into it and the love bombing and the this and the coming on trial. Why do you think it ends so quickly? Oh god, I can't even tell you how many times I had that in New York. I'd meet a guy, heterosexual woman, right, again, fill in the pronouns however you want. Like, love is love to me, I don't give a shit about any of that, I am just talking about personal experience. Side note, because you know, ADHD brain will do that. You know how many times people message me of like, "Is your advice for just women or can men benefit?" I'm like, "I say they." I always say they because I wanna respect that love is love and that everybody is having experience. And I will respect what you want me to call you. And if I get it wrong, please just let me know what you'd like to be called. But other than that, like, it's for everybody, because that's the point of this. Like, men love bomb, women love bomb, they love bomb, everybody does this. Because for a lot of people, it's not, it's not a malice, not everyone's a fucking narcissist.

• 8:12Sabrina Zohar?

  Some people are doing it to create safety, like my friend was. Who, after two weeks, they're having these big conversations, he said, "You know how we had a six hour talk yesterday?" I said, "Fuck it, Hazid, six hour talk." I said, "What the fuck are you doing? You've known this person for two weeks and it's like, and I see you guys will write in? You'll send me these fucking novellas of paragraphs to these people." And I'm like, "You, you've never met this fucking person." You know, what's happening is you're trying to reestablish the drug, the high, your body is craving it. That, when you feel that rush, especially early on, it's your brain saying, "Chase this, acquire this, get this, get more." But dopamine is completely different from oxytocin, which is the bonding hormone, the one that creates actual attachment and trust over time. Oxytocin gets released through consistent, safe interactions. Through physical touch, that's not just sexual.

• 8:56Sabrina Zohar?

  Through being there for each other, through the hard fucking times, and through showing up day after day. But when a relationship starts with intensity, you're getting all dopamine and no oxytocin foundation. So you're getting the high without the bond. And then when the dopamine inevitably drops, because it does, there's nothing underneath it. That is why hot and fast crashes. That's why intensity was the relationship. Once it's gone, there's nothing fucking left. Again, that's why those burn out quick. Because once that's gone, you don't have anything built. You don't. You don't. And that's the reality. Why do you think when I would spend weekends with these guys, and then they would leave me and I'd be devastated? And it's like, I didn't even fucking know what this guy lived. I didn't even know what this guy, I didn't know he had siblings. I don't know anything about him, but it was intensity. It was, no, I need more, I need more. Because here's the thing, I've never done some drugs, not all.

• 9:42Sabrina Zohar?

  I don't think all drugs are bad. Natural ones, right? California sober. But I've never done heroin, for instance. Like, don't worry, I'm not trying to. But I would imagine it probably is fucking amazing the first time you do it. That's why people keep doing it, because it's addicting. And maybe, hear me out, maybe people do this addictive behavior because they get to escape. And because if I can focus on them, and I can focus on this, and the intensity, and yay, finally, finally, I get to bypass. Because here's the reality. For a lot of people that like to receive love bombing, you want to go from, I just met this person, to relationship land, without everything in between. Why do you think you date? You date so you can vet people. You date so you can see if these are the right people for you. You date so you can make a choice. Not just, they're there, they're giving me a lot of attention, I'll take it. You can't be shocked at the end of that when you're fucking blindsided,

• 10:27Sabrina Zohar?

  or it doesn't work out, because you were never making choices. You were just taking what was given to you, because perhaps you didn't think there was anything else. I have been love bombed? Please don't think I haven't. I don't really love bomb people, to be honest. Because, and again, it wasn't because of anything. It's just like, I felt weird. You know where I love bomb them with like, too much attention? Admiration, too much affection? You want clothes, you want software stuff? WearSoftware.com. Support a small fucking business, y'all. I got a clothing line, in case you don't know about that. And I am trying to fucking sell off all my inventory, so I can move on with my life. So please, support a small business. It's all made in LA. It's really amazing. WearSoftware.com. But- I used to give everything away. I would just whatever you wanted and I'd be like, oh, you want me to hang out with you? Cool, I'll do that. You want to meet all my friends? Cool. You want to come in? You want to do this? You want to do this? You don't have a place to stay? Come stay with me. Why? Because I wanted safety. I didn't want to go through

• 11:12Sabrina Zohar?

  the uncomfortable part. I was like, cool, you sound on paper like you could work. So let's just bypass the dating. Let's bypass all that stuff and let's go right to the relationship. But the reality is you can't go right to the relationship without a solid foundation. That's like saying I want to build windows in a house, but you don't even have the fucking foundation built. You're not going to be building up if you don't have anything to build up from. So what does love bombing actually look like? I want to get specific, but first, one quick thing. If you're listening to this and already feel called out like, oh, fuck, this is me, or this is exactly what happened to me, I need you to do two things. One, I want you to drop a comment and tell me how have you been love bombed? Or have you been the love bomber? I read every single one and I want to know which side you're on. Two, if you're ready to break these patterns and not just understand

• 11:54Sabrina Zohar?

  them, join the Healthy Dating Foundation course where that happens. It's eight weeks to repattern, regulate, rebuild. It's the work that changes how you show up. There's also the Going Slow course if that feels like you need some support on pacing, on how long to take. That, that, that, we go through all the details and I give you rubrics, I give you prompts and things and journals and all of the shit. So link is in the show notes if you guys need more. Okay, let's get into signs, baby. These are the five signs I want you to start to look out for. So, sometimes it's obvious and sometimes it's so flattering, you genuinely miss it. The first sign is excessive contact from day one. You get the good morning, you get the check-ins, you get the good night texts. It feels really attentive at first. You're like, oh my God, this is great. But then

• 12:36Sabrina Zohar?

  eventually, the tip, the scales tip. Then it starts to feel like monitoring, right? If you don't respond fast, they notice and they comment. And again, the reason I'm saying this is because I know a lot of you guys listening are on the other side of this. That you're like, okay, well, I didn't, I'm not love bombing. I'm just texting them good morning every fucking morning. And it's like, you don't know this person! Why are you creating them as part of your day to day life? You literally do not know this person. If you're sending good morning and good night texts before you've either even had a first fucking date, or maybe after the first one, you are no longer being attentive. That could feel like monitoring to a lot of people. Because if they don't respond fast, and you start to notice, then you get hypervigilant, then you get dysregulated, then you're wondering what's going on. That feels really fucking overwhelming. And the reality is, the reason we're doing that is because you're telling your nervous system, "I'm only safe if I

• 13:21Sabrina Zohar?

  have them. I need the dopamine. Where is that hit?" It's not actually about the connection, because what the fuck is sending a good morning text doing for your connection? "Good morning!" No. What's under it is, "Look, you're not gonna leave me. Look, you still think about me. Look, see, we're still good." I don't have to fill in the blanks with whatever my core beliefs are. Now, I'm not saying accept charity work, that if somebody never fucking contacts you, but if you've had one or two dates, and this person doesn't send you good morning texts, stop ending it with people who aren't doing exactly what you want off the fucking bat. Because that's coming from your discomfort of sitting in the space and the silence. That's not how you get to know somebody. That's not building a fucking relationship. That is just quenching your thirst for reassurance, first thing in the fucking morning, so you get your dopamine hit. And you know I say this with love.

• 14:04Sabrina Zohar?

  Because I've been there. I've had that. I've had even clients I've had that'll email me, and within an hour, if I don't respond, they're freaking out. And I'm like, "Hey, by the way, we're not doing this. Like, you need to fucking regulate your nervous system. I am not on call and on demand. If you pay for that package, which I do have that offering, it's not fucking cheap, but you want access to me every single day, you can have that. But I am on my schedule. I am not on your anxiety schedule. So I don't answer a DM or something immediately. I don't answer an email immediately, because I'm also setting boundaries, and that's really fucking important when you're dating. And a lot of people take boundaries with rejection. But if somebody is setting a boundary, that's because they're trying to keep you in your life, in their life. They're not trying to get rid of you." The second sign, future faking. This is a biggie. Vacations after the second date, you're

• 14:46Sabrina Zohar?

  meeting family, where you'll live, right? You're painting this entire future before you know you're present. And the reason that the ending is because you're not grieving just the fact that you barely knew this person, you're grieving all of these future things. Anytime guys would do that, or anybody I was dating would do that, my response would be, "Yeah, as great as that sounds, why don't we get through our next date, and then we can start to talk about future things, once we're a little bit further along?" That's a fucking boundary. If somebody takes that as rejection, and doesn't try to get curious, and doesn't try to understand what I'm saying, then that shows me they were doing it for their ego, not because of me. Because if it's about me, you'll respect what I'm saying, and we'll have a conversation about it. The third thing. So this is a bit of a cognitive dissonance. Declarations that don't match reality.

• 15:27Sabrina Zohar?

  I've never felt this way before. You're different. I just know. Maybe it's been three weeks. Right? Like, real feelings develop through time in different contexts. So if they're declaring love before you've even, before they've even seen you sick, they haven't seen you stressed, they haven't seen you angry, they haven't seen you bored, that's not love. And I know, I know there's gonna be the people that are like, "No, I just knew!" And it's like, well then, why are you here right now? If you just knew, if within five minutes, you just knew and it was all that, then you wouldn't be here right now because you'd be in your happy and healthy relationship. You'd be up, and you're not. And that's okay, because I used to do that. I would. Like, why do you think I'm so hard on you guys? I was her. I used to meet a guy and I'd be like, "You guys just don't understand. We just had a connection." No, no, no, that person just didn't fucking know me, because guess who was left on their

• 16:11Sabrina Zohar?

  ass after? Me. Sign four, gifts and grand gestures. I'm talking like, over the top shit. Really expensive gifts early on. Like, I remember I had a guy and he took me on like, a $400 dinner, our like, second date. And then when he wanted to go on our fifth date, it was like, "We're gonna go see the, uh, we're gonna go to the Super Bowl. It's $20,000 a ticket." And I called him, I was like, "No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, we're not doing this." Sure enough, guess who two days later was like, "I'm emotionally unavailable"? That same guy. Right? I don't get it. I don't understand this like, grandiosity, because for me, that shows like, that's not a healthy person, because a healthy and secure person knows that has to be earned. I could have a billion dollars in the bank account, that doesn't mean I'm just gonna give it away to everybody before they've earned access to me and my generosity and what

• 16:53Sabrina Zohar?

  I give to people. And I think that's like, that's a reframe maybe we need to hear. You do not need to stoop to other people's levels so that they can choose you. You stay where the fuck you are and you allow people in your life that have earned a place in your life. I am so fucking tired of seeing people water themselves down, dim their lights just to take what they can get, because they're scared of taking up that space. I'd rather be alone than in bad fucking company where I can at least be myself. And the fifth one, pushing for a commitment. Now again, my anxious babes, I know you're gonna be like, "What?" Mm-hmm. Exclusive immediately, delete the apps after like the first fucking three dates. Here's the thing, why are you rushing? What are they afraid you'll see with more time? What are you afraid they're gonna see with more time? What are you hoping, what does rushing into it do?

• 17:37Sabrina Zohar?

  Again, I understand that you're just like, "No, no, I met them and I don't want to date anybody else." But what that is, is that's your discomfort. You don't want to be uncomfortable and is this gonna work out? I don't know. You want certainty. Of like, okay, because I hear this every day, "No, no, once we're exclusive, I'll be fine." And then it's, "Once we're in a relationship." And then, "Once we're engaged." And then, "Once..." It's always a "once this" because it's not about them. It's about the reassurance it gives you. Go slow, baby. I'm telling you right now, the reason relationships are fucking failing for you is because you're rushing into them as if it's a race you need to win instead of something that you actually get to vet. Slow it the fuck down in dating and then come back and tell me how your experiences are when you are no longer waiting to be chosen and now you're doing the fucking choosing. So, to me, if it feels like a campaign instead of a conversation, I want you to trust the feeling. Now, here's where it gets tricky, because not everyone who does this is a bad person.

• 18:21Sabrina Zohar?

  In a few minutes, I'm gonna explain why you might actually be addicted to this pattern. So, that's more the unconscious love bomber. Again, not everyone that's doing this is a narcissist and we have to like actually start to see that. Because for me, I was just super fucking anxious. Anxiously attached people can love bomb without meaning to because they feel things intensely and they want certainty. They're trying to create connection by acting like it exists. So, especially someone single for a while, when they finally meet someone they like, right? I hear this all the time of like, "I haven't felt this in a while and I barely, I never meet anybody I really like." And it's like, "Bitch, I've been hearing you complain about the last 17 people." Like, yes, you do meet people. And a lot of them will go on a limb because they're terrified of losing this, right? Or someone with low self-worth, overgive, overpursue, trying to earn love.

• 19:06Sabrina Zohar?

  I understand that it doesn't, like, intent is important, but intent doesn't matter as much as the impact. Because whether it's manipulative or unconscious, you're resulting in the same thing. I was a fucking addict with this stuff. You told me, "Jump you," I said, "How high?" That's why the texting was like my lifeline. Because if I text and I'm like, "Maybe this is it, maybe this is it." Especially when it would end and I'd be like, "Maybe I could get them back." "Maybe if I take ownership of this." Maybe, maybe, maybe, right? If I did all of these things, and you know what that was? My father in my childhood. Couple of weeks ago, not even like last week, I talked about my biggest heartbreak. Let's listen to that episode and you'll see. It's not love. It's an addiction to uncertainty. You're not crazy, you're just conditioned. And I think for me, that's something that's really, really important to look at is like,

• 19:50Sabrina Zohar?

  there's nothing wrong with you, but we have to start to get curious about like, where did I learn this behavior from? Who else in my life has been inconsistent? So I want to talk about what does real connection actually look like? Like, what is the shift? Right? Because we talk all day about like, what we should stop doing, but what are we actually doing? Real connection can be very boring and that's okay. It's so funny, one of my friends texted me the other day and she goes, "I finally understand now that I'm dating this guy, what you've been saying about healthy equals boring." She's like, "I get it." You know, because like, the minute she'll start to freak out of why isn't he texting me? And then he'll text her and she's like, "Oh, oh." He's like, "Not doing these games." And then she started to get bored. And I had to be there and I was like, "Uh-uh, girl. Come back here, we're not getting bored with this." So, four signs it's real. One, curious, but it's not infatuated. They're asking questions because they want to get to know the real you.

• 20:35Sabrina Zohar?

  They're interested in your flaws. It's not just highlights. And it's not just them fucking bopping out when they see something that they don't like. There's mutual pacing. Both of you are leaning in at a roughly the same speed. It's not one person pursuing while the other one gets swept up. That's why I'm saying the chase, it's like, and what happens when you get what you're chasing? You're very rarely into it anymore. Responsive to boundaries, right? This is moving fast. They respond well, not defensive. Love bombers cannot handle you trying to slow it down, even if it's from anxiety. Whether it be narcissism, because they don't like boundaries, or from anxiety and anxious attachment of like, wanting that safety. They take it as a personal affront of like, "You don't want me? You don't like me? Oh my God, I knew it, I'm too much." It's like, no. No, maybe that person's being honest with you. Like, it's sustainable, it's not manic. It's not a hundred texts and disappearing. It's steady, it's not a roller coaster.

• 21:20Sabrina Zohar?

  The person who makes you like, feel very calm, might be a better choice than the one who makes you feel like, "I haven't felt this in years." It's not that that's bad. I'm not saying that like, if you meet somebody and you have like, a chemistry and all this, that you should never pursue it. But be aware, keep your eyes fucking open, ten toes on the ground. Right? Head where your feet are. Be in the fucking present moment, not getting swept up into this limerence. Okay, let's talk about slowdown. If you're not sure if it's love bombing or real, slow it down and watch what happens. Maybe you say something like this. "I really like you and I want to make sure we're building something real." Can we pace this a little more intentionally? A genuine response would be, absolutely, I totally understand, thank you for telling me. Maybe somebody with a love bombing would get defensive, like, I thought you liked me, though.

• 22:03Sabrina Zohar?

  Or they might be guilty, like, why is being honest about my feelings a problem? They might pull away because intensity disappears because it was never about you! Or maybe they push back, like, why can't you just fucking enjoy this, I don't understand. How someone responds to a boundary tells you everything about who they are. And one more thing, and this might be the most important fucking part. Some of you aren't being love bombed, you're doing the love bombing. And that's what we were talking about, right? I get it, I understand, when you've been single for a while, you're falling fast and hard, I want you to start to get curious with yourself. Am I trying to create certainty by acting like it already exists? Be real. Like, okay, that's why I had one of my clients, and she said, yeah, I joined this new group, and it was manifest as if it's already yours. And I said, I'm gonna be honest, what does that look like?

• 22:48Sabrina Zohar?

  And she's like, every day, tell me stuff, I have my boyfriend, all this. And I said, how's that make you feel? And she's like, I'm fucking exhausted. And I said, because it's not reality. Act like you already have it means be confident in who you are, that it's on its way to you. Not that you have to go around, good morning, baby! When there's no one in your fucking house! Because then everybody you date, you're like, this could be it, this could be it, this could be it! So maybe we can get curious about, what am I creating? Am I oversharing early to fast-track intimacy? Right? Like, that was what my friend was doing, she was having these crazy conversations and all this, and I was like, no, you just wanna explain yourself to hope that this person's gonna see you, and that's a childhood core belief and wound. Am I pushing for commitment because I'm excited, or because I'm scared? If it's both, that's okay, but then maybe we get curious of, like, excited, great, let me get to know this person again. Or, again, better.

• 23:31Sabrina Zohar?

  Am I curious about who this person is, or am I projecting who I want them to be? That's really important. To me, most dangerous love bombing is when you do it to your fucking self. You're deciding they're the one before you have any evidence, you're building a future in your head after three fucking dates, that's not intuition, that's anxiety. So let's go into the tool of the week, because you know it's my favorite. I love the power of the pause. Okay, so I call it the reality check pause. And it's, this is what I want you to use in real time when you're in the middle of like that whirlwind, when someone is making you feel like you're the only person on the whole planet, and you're feeling like you've finally found this person after two fucking weeks. Before you go any further, before you have the what are we conversation, or share what you want, before you fucking delete your apps, before you tell your friends you found the one, pause and ask yourself these three very important questions.

• 24:14Sabrina Zohar?

  One, what do I actually know about this person? Not what they've told me, not how they make me feel, what have I observed with my own eyes over time? Have I seen them handle stress? How have they been with weight staff? Have I seen them in conflict with me or someone else? Have I seen them disappointed? Have I seen them bored? If you can't answer the questions, you don't know them yet. You know they're representative. And that was what happened with my friend. He was like, but everything was going so well. And then the minute we had a disagreement, I'm like, you saw who they really are. Question two, am I excited or am I relieved?

• 24:43Sabrina Zohar?

  It's a big one. There's a difference between I'm excited about who this person is and I'm relieved that someone finally wants me. One is about them, and one is about your fear of being alone. Be honest with yourself about which one is driving you right now. That was why I dated my ex. He was a great guy, don't get me wrong, but he loved on me. Because both of us were in our shit. And I think about that often, I'm like, I was just relieved of like, cool, I have someone. Wasn't because I genuinely wanted this person. And then the third one, what would I tell my best friend? If your best friend came to you and said, I've been on three dates with this person, and they're like, we're moving in together, I want to meet their parents, I think this is the one, what would you say to them? You'd probably be like, yeah, slow the fuck down! You might be concerned, now say that to yourself. Give yourself the same advice you'd give to someone you love. The reality check pause won't kill the magic if the magic is real, but it will slow you down enough to see what's actually happening and like, who they are versus who you're

• 25:28Sabrina Zohar?

  projecting. Keep that. Okay? I want you guys to really, really fucking trust yourself for once in your goddamn fucking life. Please stop, and it's okay, here's the reality. Someone that's genuinely into you, that has the intentions of being in a relationship with you, that genuinely wants to build something, isn't going to be scared when you tell them that you want to slow the pace down. Especially if you explain, "Hey, we've moved really fast. I don't want to see you every single day. I'd like to have some space in between so I can miss you a little bit." How do you feel about that? You're allowed to be honest with people, and if that person comes back with bullshit, deflection, starts to get upset, then you have your fucking answer. Because someone who is truly intentional in building something with you, isn't going to get scared when you say that you need a little bit more time to fucking build it.

• 26:12Sabrina Zohar?

  It's not about excuses and just being like, "I'm not ready for a relationship." You can give quantifiable things to this person, so that both of you can make choices, and you can stop waiting to see if they're choosing you. So, if this episode hit, and like, really hit, and you're just like, "Oh my god, I'm so ready to stop. I just want to understand my patterns and actually change them." That's where the Healthy Dating Foundation course is open. It's eight weeks. Again, you get to repattern, regulate, rebuild. This is the work that changes how you show up in every relationship. So, link is in show notes, or at sabrina zoher.com, or you can join the Going Slow course, depending on like, if that's really what you're struggling with. It's like, if you've got your good foundation, but you just want to learn how to go slow, baby, I got you. And if you want to go deeper, I do have one-on-one, you can ask a question, whatever you guys want. And again, if you're not following the show, please do that. And if you've been listening for a while and you haven't left a review, that's the

• 26:57Sabrina Zohar?

  single best thing you can do to help the show grow. It takes 30 seconds, and I read every single fucking one of them. And I'm so grateful for you guys. Thank you for being here, and thank you for allowing me to guide you guys. And just a reminder, intensity is not intimacy, and speed is not certainty. The right person will still be there, even if you don't lock them down immediately. I want you to remember that. What's for you won't pass you, baby. And so now, it's time for you to decide what you're willing to fucking allow, and start to grieve the ending of things, because you might start setting boundaries, you might not have people that stay, but it's not about the ones that go, it's about the ones that do stay with you. The ones that do respect you, the ones that do care about who you are. And I'm really fucking proud of you guys. I love you, and as always, thank you for being here, and until next time, babes.

• 27:42Speaker 01

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• 28:11Speaker 03

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