Jocko Underground: How To Deal With Having a Child From a One Night Stand

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Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Jocko Willink?

  This is the Jocko Underground Podcast, number 189, sitting here with Echo Charles. We've got some questions from you troopers, and we have got some answers in some cases, some recommendations, some guidance, maybe just some things to think about, but we're gonna do our best. So, let's get into it. Life is coming at us.

• 0:24Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 0:25Jocko Willink?

  Let's figure out a plan.

• 0:27Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 0:30Speaker 01

  All right, first question. Jocko, thank you for everything. Your books and podcasts have helped me through the tough times, the toughest times. Okay, I recently had a one-night-stand with a girl I met that night, and she's now pregnant. Abortion is illegal where I live, so I'll likely become a dad. I don't plan to see her or the kid. I know it's not right, but this isn't someone I can build a future with. The quote, "Other than death, all failure is psychological," has kept me going. Any words of wisdom on how to move forward would mean a lot.

• 1:05Jocko Willink?

  Yeah, well, I think in this situation, you're gonna wanna try and build some kind of amicable relationship with this woman, right?

• 1:15Jocko Willink?

  Maybe you're not gonna marry her, apparently. Maybe she's not gonna be your girlfriend, but you have, right now, a common interest and concern, and that is this kid that's on the way. So, imagine that you moved into a house, and the house, for whatever reason, had an easement, and you had a shared driveway with the next-door neighbor.

• 1:42Jocko Willink?

  So, you're both using the same driveway. You're gonna wanna get along with that person. That driveway is gonna be, it's part of everything. It's part of our daily life. You're gonna wanna make sure that you both can shovel snow off the driveway, right? Both, if it needs some kind of repair, there's a pothole in it, hey, we both gonna participate in this and make sure it's cool. Make sure you're not parking your car, like, where it's gonna block me from getting to my garage up, you know, the driveway. So, that's, I think, what the situation that you're in. You have, like, a common driveway, you know, you have a shared part of your life that you are going, you, you need. He's there. He's not going anywhere. It's part of your life.

• 2:25Jocko Willink?

  And so you want to get along with that neighbor. You want to have a good working relationship with that neighbor. They don't ever have to come over for dinner. You don't ever have to barbecue, but you have to be able to say, hey, good morning. Hey, I'll shove the snow tomorrow. Hey, I'll, I'll make sure that I, uh, uh, fix that pothole since you did the last one. Hey, I'm gonna be, I'm gonna be moving my car this afternoon. I'm gonna be washing it. Or do you need to go anywhere? Let me make sure I'm not washing it while you need to drive. You see what I'm saying? That's what we're gonna have to do. You have a important part of your life that you share with someone else now.

• 3:03Jocko Willink?

  If you end up not getting along with this person. And now they're doing everything from not shoveling any snow ever and not repairing any potholes. And then sometimes they might even be actively blocking the driveway purposely. So you can't get out and they might even do things that harm the driveway.

• 3:24Jocko Willink?

  And that's gonna be bad. So we don't want that. You are going, yes. So this does mean that you're going to have to provide.

• 3:34Jocko Willink?

  You're gonna have to provide likely both time and money.

• 3:40Jocko Willink?

  And I say that you do that to the best of your ability. How much money can you provide? How much time can you provide?

• 3:47Jocko Willink?

  And do your best to provide as much as you can. Time and money.

• 3:54Jocko Willink?

  And here's the thing.

• 3:57Jocko Willink?

  Um, I'm assuming that you're a young person right now. And so it's difficult sometimes to understand how that will pay off. But there will be a reward in the end. Of your current investment.

• 4:12Jocko Willink?

  That's kind of where I'm at.

• 4:13Speaker 01

  Hmm. Yeah. Yeah, it.

• 4:19Speaker 01

  You make it. You put this scenario, like you put a lot of clarity into it where.

• 4:27Speaker 01

  Especially that driveway analogy, which is pretty much perfect, by the way. Cause I know people, you know, in this similar situation, not necessarily the one night stand scenario, but you know, a situation where, hey, they had no intention of this, given their relationship, and then no intention of staying together, you know, and here comes the baby. And. I think one of kind of the mistakes out the gate is they regard it as like this.

• 4:52Speaker 01

  Baby or this kid that's separate, you know, rather than, you know, as opposed to what might come naturally to maybe a cohesive family who plans for a new addition to the family. And now this is a part of me that I have to, yeah, we have to guide and develop through life as again, care about, and they care about, you know, like a, it's like a, um, what do you call integral kind of part of themself and the family kind of a thing, you know? But you can still, you can still do that. And, but instead of mom and dad being, I don't know, what we call lovers, you know? And.

• 5:25Jocko Willink?

  They're just working relationship.

• 5:27Speaker 01

  Exactly right. They're still parents. They're still, you know, everything except for kind of the, you know, that romantic kind of part of it, you know? But yeah, the like. Having a good neighbor and of course you gotta flex. I mean, you gotta bend a little bit, you know, you gotta let them have their time. You gotta support them in their time with not always going to be comfortable, you know, whatever. But if you can kind of make that happen, you'd be, I think anyway, I think you'd be surprised how smoothly it can go.

• 5:51Jocko Willink?

  Check.

• 5:52Speaker 01

  Cause like, let's face it, you know, a lot of times the parents, like they don't get along and they don't put effort into like getting along, you know? Just like, oh, she wants it. You know, a lot of times they're.

• 6:03Speaker 01

  Someone will get mad. Oh, I had him, uh, you know, let's say they have a boy, right? And the guy gets a half custody, the girl gets half custody and it's like, oh, well, I had him freaking more time while you were out on vacation or something like this. They treated it as almost like this burden sometimes, you know? Or they'll get mad that, oh, you had him too much now, you know, and they start fighting with each other, all this stuff or whatever. But yeah, it's not how it works, you know? Sometimes I feel like if you get along, you can kind of bend with that, like, oh, no, no, you want him for like a month? You know, you guys going to somewhere, freaking go have fun, you know, like, let me know what I can do to support you. Guys can go through life like smoothly, you know?

• 6:40Jocko Willink?

  It's way better.

• 6:41Speaker 01

  Unless you get the girl who wants the relationship and then the guy who doesn't, or vice versa, or whatever, then you got some, some more work to do, I think.

• 6:47Jocko Willink?

  Yeah, work to do.

• 6:49Speaker 01

  Yeah, you gotta plan that thing out, I guess. I don't know.

• 6:53Speaker 01

  There are ways. All right, next question. Hello, Jocko. As a department specialist, I experienced daily micromanagement from my direct supervisor. Recently, during a critical one-time mission with a tight deadline, the pressure intensified. Despite my strategic plan and expertise, upper management, my supervisor and his supervisor, overrode my tact, my tactical role, leading to excessive micromanagement and unsound decisions that complicated the mission, though it ultimately succeeded. I'm concerned this dynamic will reoccur, causing friction and reduced work quality. Should I voice my concerns or remain silent? Thank you for your time.

• 7:38Jocko Willink?

  Well, first of all, voice my concerns or remain silent. Those, yeah, those are pretty extreme, because you definitely need to voice your concerns, but you need to do it in a tactful way. And I would recommend a good opportunity for this is a debrief of the situation. Let's sit down and have a quick debrief and during that debrief. So that is a little excerpt of what we are doing on the Jocko Underground Podcast. So if you want to continue to listen.

• 8:08Jocko Willink?

  Go to jockounderground.com and subscribe and we're doing this, we're doing this to mitigate our reliance on external platforms. So we are not subject to their control and we are doing this so that we can support the Jocko Podcast, which will remain as is free for all, as long as we can keep it that way. But we, but we are doing this so we don't have to be under the control of sponsors. And we're doing it so we can give you more control, more interaction, more direct connections, better communications with us. And to do that, we are, we're building a website right now where we'll be able to utilize to strengthen

• 8:53Jocko Willink?

  this legion of troopers that are in the game with us. So thank you. It's jockounderground.com. It costs $8.18 a month. And if you can't afford to support us, we can still support you. Just email [email protected] and we'll get you taken care of. Until then, we will see you mobilized underground.