9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Relationships Forever | Jillian Turecki

I'm going on tour! Come see The School of Greatness LIVE in person! Get my new book Make Money Easy here! Renowned relationship coach and author Jillian Turecki delivers a masterclass in understanding the complex dynamics of modern relationships, drawing from both professional expertise and deeply personal experiences. Through raw and honest discussion, she reveals how our childhood wounds, particularly from parental relationships, shape our romantic patterns and ability to form healthy connections. The conversation takes an intimate turn as Jillian shares her own journey from an emotionally tumultuous marriage to becoming a leading voice in relationship wellness, highlighting the critical importance of self-worth, authentic communication, and the courage to speak difficult truths. This episode offers transformative insights for anyone seeking to build more fulfilling relationships, whether single or partnered. Jillian’s new book "It Begins with You: The Nine Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Life"In this episode you will learn:The crucial difference between love and lust, and why confusing the two leads to poor relationship choicesHow to recognize when someone is truly invested in you versus merely interestedThe three biggest relationship killers and how to avoid themWhy trying to "fix" or "save" a partner often stems from our own unresolved issuesThe importance of having difficult conversations early in relationships to establish alignmentHow our relationship with our parents influences our romantic partnershipsThe danger of putting partners on pedestals and having unrealistic expectationsWhy self-worth is fundamental to creating healthy relationshipsFor more information go to https://www.lewishowes.com/1719For more Greatness text PODCAST to +1 (614) 350-3960More SOG episodes we think you’ll love:Gabby Bernstein – greatness.lnk.to/1714SCMatthew Hussey – greatness.lnk.to/1605SCMel Robbins – greatness.lnk.to/1710SC Get more from Lewis! Get my New York Times Bestselling book, Make Money Easy! Get The Greatness Mindset audiobook on SpotifyText Lewis AIYouTubeInstagramWebsiteTiktokFacebookX

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Lewis Howes?

  Hey my friend, welcome back to another episode of the School of Greatness. I'm excited for this episode because so many people struggle around relationships. I have been one of those individuals for most of my life. I struggled and I think I was in five or six kind of long-term relationships from, you know, my late teens to my late 30s. So for 20 years, I was in multiple long-term relationships and I just, man, I struggled and I thought I figured it out after every breakup, what to do and that it wasn't my fault and it was someone else's problem. And man, was I wrong and it took me a lot of sadness, a lot of suffering,

• 0:41Lewis Howes?

  a lot of pain, a lot of harsh lessons through all these different relationships on what I needed to start shifting to attract harmonious love, to attract someone who was the right match for me and really to become the person who was the right match for myself. So it was not even actually about finding someone else who was right for me first. It was really about me becoming the person I needed to be in order to create healthy boundaries, in order to speak my truth, in order to feel safe. And then from that space, I feel like I really attracted an incredible person who understood me, who accepted me and who saw me. But I wasn't even seeing myself in all my deficiencies until I started to do a lot of the work.

• 1:26Lewis Howes?

  And today I'm sitting down with a powerful relationship coach and author, Jillian Turecki, for a conversation about love, relationships and personal growth. And she's got a new book out called It Begins With You. And in this episode, we dive deep into the incredible takeaways from her book, as well as her life experiences, because Gillian brings unique insights from both her professional expertise and personal journey, which is something that I love, including her experience with divorce and healing her relationship with her father that caused her a lot of pain in intimate relationships with men. We dive deep into the difference between lust and love and why you can't convince someone to love you and how to develop the self-awareness needed for healthy relationships.

• 2:09Lewis Howes?

  This was something I wish I had 20 years ago because it would have saved me a lot of pain. And a lot of stress, but we all learn lessons exactly when we need to learn them. So unfortunately, I didn't have this podcast 20 years ago, or this, this content wasn't out there for me. So if you're here and you're going through a breakup, or you just went through a breakup, or you struggled in relationships, then I want you to know you are in the exact place you need to be. This is a synchronicity and a sign and a signal from the universe that you are in the right place. And I want you to get out of bed at paper and take some notes. She's also going to talk about the critical importance of speaking your truth in relationships, even when it feels uncomfortable and risky.

• 2:50Lewis Howes?

  And man, do I wish I had this power for two decades. I was not able to speak my truth and it was a massive cause of a lot of breakdowns. Then she's going to talk about the essential truths that can transform how we approach love and connection. So if you've ever struggled in relationships and you want to build stronger ones this year and beyond, this episode will give you the tools and the wisdom to create lasting change. And I am so excited for you to dive in. If this is your first time here, please click the follow button on Apple Podcasts right now or Spotify and leave us a review. When you follow and you leave a review, it really helps us to spread these messages for free

• 3:32Lewis Howes?

  to more people in the world who might be struggling or want personal growth. So click the follow button, leave a review and just go ahead and copy and paste the link to this episode and share it with one or two friends. Send it in a WhatsApp group chat, post it on social media, share it with a friend of yours that you want to see continue to thrive in their relationships now and in the future. If there's someone you care about deeply, send this to them. And I'm excited to dive into this episode, but also big announcement. If you haven't heard yet, my new book, Make Money Easy, Create Financial Freedom and Live a Richer Life, is coming out very soon. I'd love for you to order it pre-order right now. The link will be in the description below on Apple, Spotify,

• 4:15Lewis Howes?

  or wherever you're listening to this, just click on that link. It'll take you right to Amazon. We'd love for you to get a copy of my book because one of the biggest problems that people have in relationships is around money. So if you want to create a harmonious relationship with money and have better, healthier conversations with money. With the people you're with, friends, family and intimate partners, this book will give you the tools and the teaching you need to feel financially free and harmonious in your relationship with money. Make sure to check it out. It's called Make Money Easy, Create Financial Freedom and Live a Richer Life. Without further ado, let's dive into this episode right now. I want to talk about some of the stuff in your book.

• 4:58Jillian Turecki?

  Let's do it.

• 4:59Lewis Howes?

  These are powerful self-healing techniques to help us repair our relationship with ourselves and start building the rewarding relationships that we deserve. Again, you want two individuals to create a successful relationship, need to be on a healing journey. Doesn't mean anything to be perfect or whole, although I would ask you,

• 5:18Lewis Howes?

  can you be broken and be happy in a relationship with someone? If two people are broken and like have no wholeness at all, they're just like empty inside?

• 5:27Jillian Turecki?

  No, definitely not. I mean, I think we need to define broken, but if

• 5:32Jillian Turecki?

  one of the most valuable things that we can bring to a relationship is a sense of self. And that does not mean that you love everything about you. It just means that you have an idea of who you are and who you want to be, and that you have a belief that in spite of the fact that you are not perfect and there are parts of you that are difficult, because everyone has difficult parts, you are still intrinsically worthy of being loved. And I think that we are, we would, we do our, we would do ourselves all a big service if we just were just upfront about the ways that we were difficult. Like, hey, this is how I'm difficult. This is what you're going to have to live with.

• 6:14Jillian Turecki?

  Very upfront. So two people who have no sense of self, here, here's what I prefer to kind of frame it.

• 6:25Jillian Turecki?

  If you believe that another person is responsible for your happiness, if you believe that

• 6:35Jillian Turecki?

  You know, Eric Fromm said this perfectly, and I'm paraphrasing here.

• 6:40Jillian Turecki?

  You wanna need someone because you love them, not love them because you need them. The quote unquote "broken" person is looking for someone to fill up that emptiness inside of them. They don't know who they are. They don't have any sense really of themselves. They don't have any meaning in their life. And so they're looking for love in all the wrong people, because that's typically what happens. And they're looking for love in all the wrong people, and they're looking for someone to fill them up. They're looking for someone because they don't know how to fulfill their own needs. They don't know how to have some meaning in life. And that doesn't mean that person can actually be sad and unhappy sometimes.

• 7:25Jillian Turecki?

  But they have a sense of meaning in their life and a sense of purpose in their life, whatever that is. And so people who are broken have no, they have no idea what gives their lives meaning. They are very divorced, divorced from their bodies. They're not, they're not connected to their bodies. Maybe there's just a lot of trauma there. Maybe there's just a lot of anxiety there. Maybe there's just a lot of, well, I've been taught that another person is supposed to complete me. So I haven't been spending time developing myself with a capital S. Because that's what another person is supposed to do. So trauma plays a big role, but also belief system plays a really big role in that.

• 8:11Jillian Turecki?

  So you have one person, even, well, even one person, two people getting in a relationship like that. What you're gonna find is what is actually a codependent relationship, or it's gonna be very unhappy. What they're, they're gonna be fighting all the time because they're not, they're gonna be trying to change each other. And they're gonna be trying to be enough for each other. Like I said, change each other. And so, no, that is not going to be a healthy relationship. You have to bring some sense of self, even if you're 21 years old. You know, just some, and the thing is...

• 8:44Jillian Turecki?

  We're meant to get it wrong. We're, you know, we're meant to have some like messed up experiences. How are we going to learn? But yeah, a sense of self, like this is who I am. This is what I want. This is what I struggle with still. This is, this is what makes me kind of difficult. This is what makes me insecure. These are the things that I'm working on. But, but I also, in spite of the ambivalence that I have towards parts of myself, I still kind of like me.

• 9:10Lewis Howes?

  Mm hmm. If someone doesn't feel like they're worthy of love and they enter a relationship, what do you think is going to happen in that relationship?

• 9:18Jillian Turecki?

  Well, I don't like to speak in such black and white thinking, binary thinking, because have I known people who really struggled to love themselves, find someone who loves them unconditionally? Yeah, I've seen that. I've seen that. And I've seen that in people and those people just had some intelligence inside of them that was saying to them, choose the person who's going to love you unconditionally versus what happens more of the time. Choose the person who's going to treat you in such a way that it reinforces your belief that you are not enough.

• 9:52Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 9:54Jillian Turecki?

  That's more common. But it's also can, it is possible.

• 9:58Lewis Howes?

  What do you, what do you think is worse? Someone who chooses someone that reinforces a belief in them that they are not lovable and worthy of love, and therefore that person reflects and treats them poorly? Or someone who believes that they are not worthy of love, but somehow chooses someone to accept them fully and love them unconditionally? And yet they still don't believe it themselves. Which one do you think is more challenging?

• 10:28Jillian Turecki?

  Probably the, the first one's going to be more challenging. Because the most important thing is that you're being treated well in a relationship. Regardless of where your self-worth is, you're treating someone well and they're treating you well. If there's any scenario where someone is not being respectful, that's always the worst scenario, in my, in my view.

• 10:45Lewis Howes?

  But there's something to like getting something you feel like you didn't deserve.

• 10:48Jillian Turecki?

  I know.

• 10:49Lewis Howes?

  And it's like, like being handed a bunch of money that you're like, I didn't earn this.

• 10:52Jillian Turecki?

  But I did.

• 10:53Lewis Howes?

  Someone died or someone gave me this.

• 10:54Jillian Turecki?

  Yes.

• 10:55Lewis Howes?

  Did I really create the value to receive this? And you have this like guilt or this.

• 11:00Jillian Turecki?

  Absolutely.

• 11:01Lewis Howes?

  And then you sabotage it and then you don't value it.

• 11:03Jillian Turecki?

  Absolutely. All those things are true and can happen. But I have spoken, I remember I did speak to one woman and she said, you know, I'm just really lucky that he loves me.

• 11:12Lewis Howes?

  But she doesn't love herself.

• 11:13Jillian Turecki?

  When I dug a little bit deeper, there were things about herself that she actually liked, but she did struggle.

• 11:19Lewis Howes?

  But to say I'm lucky that someone loves me.

• 11:21Jillian Turecki?

  Yeah, I know, but at least she appreciated him.

• 11:24Lewis Howes?

  That's good. That's good. But she didn't believe she deserved it.

• 11:27Jillian Turecki?

  But she loved him very much for loving her.

• 11:29Lewis Howes?

  That's good.

• 11:30Jillian Turecki?

  And I think that that's better than the other.

• 11:32Lewis Howes?

  It's better than being treated poorly.

• 11:33Jillian Turecki?

  It's better than the alternative. She wasn't trying to sabotage or anything like that, you know?

• 11:38Lewis Howes?

  I mean, here's, here's the question then. Uh, you know, we're talking, we're trying to talk about how to create more fulfilling experiences in our life and, and I think the greatest fulfillment comes in relationships. You know, we can create fulfillment alone, but really magic happens when you have fulfillment and shared experience with someone else, I, I believe.

• 11:57Jillian Turecki?

  With other people. It could be plural.

• 11:59Lewis Howes?

  Yes. In your book, you've kind of got these, these nine different distinctions that can set you up for a healthy relationship. The first one you talk about, it begins with you. And that's why I wanted to ask you about worthiness. How can someone learn, you know, being, having a capital self? How can they learn to develop more worthiness and deservedness of love if they never received it or saw it growing up?

• 12:27Jillian Turecki?

  A lot of those people that you just described have really good friends.

• 12:32Jillian Turecki?

  And so they they know what it is to be loved through their friendships. Different story when it comes to romantic relationships. Hang around people where there's a lot of love. Hang around couples where there's a lot of love. I don't know, watch it in a movie even if you have to. Honestly.

• 12:52Lewis Howes?

  Be around, be close to it.

• 12:54Jillian Turecki?

  And also because every person that we come into contact with on a regular basis and even not on a regular basis is a mirror reflecting back to you. If you develop friendships and community, maybe you give back, maybe you volunteer somewhere. And then you build community that way. You are actually learning about your self-worth and you're learning about yourself through these friendships and community that you've built. And that gives you a stronger sense of self. And when you get that stronger sense of self, then you start to, you know, people start to respond to you and you develop these things and then you start, these, these connections and then you see, oh, I am, I am worthy.

• 13:39Jillian Turecki?

  I am, like I do this. I do that. I do have a life. I am doing things for myself. I am worthy. And then with a bit of luck, that person has read my book and followed my work and they realize that if they choose, that choose the person who sees the beauty in them rather than the person who is reinforcing some old belief.

• 14:01Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 14:02Jillian Turecki?

  Cause it's also in the choice.

• 14:03Lewis Howes?

  Sure, sure. Something you talked about earlier, uh, and you mentioned before is kind of like this difference between lust and love.

• 14:10Jillian Turecki?

  Yeah.

• 14:12Lewis Howes?

  You mentioned in your book that lust is not the same thing as love. How do we know the difference between when we're experiencing or feeling lust versus meaningful love?

• 14:21Jillian Turecki?

  Yes. So I think that love is one of the hardest things to define. It's a very, it's very undefinable in many ways and, and it's something that and I don't have all the answers, you know, no one does. It's like, this is like. Philosophers have been theorizing on this for centuries. But what I do know is that, two things. The love that you feel when you're falling in love with someone is love, but it's not the same as two years in. So the meaning, love changes. Love and the meaning that we assign to it changes. It morphs, it deepens. And love, to me, is not just a feeling. It's a choice, it's a habit, it's an intentional practice.

• 15:05Jillian Turecki?

  And I think that when we truly love someone, my understanding is we really want the best for them. Like, their needs are actually as important as our needs. Not more important, but not less important. We want them, we really, like, their best interests are our best interests. Like, we really take their best interests to heart. We want the very, very best for them, even if that means not being in a relationship with them.

• 15:36Jillian Turecki?

  Lust is all the things that we feel when there's a lot of chemistry and we feel a little obsessive and there's a lot of novelty and we can't stop thinking about them. And we're like, we feel like, we feel crazy. That crazy in love feeling is not love, that is lust. And I think that a lot of people make these big decisions, like, let's move in together, or like, this person is the one for me, when really, you are drunk and you're drunk off of the chemicals in your body.

• 16:11Lewis Howes?

  You don't know the person.

• 16:12Jillian Turecki?

  You don't know the person, they are a stranger.

• 16:14Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 16:15Jillian Turecki?

  And actually, a true emotional connection actually takes time to build with someone. Like, you can feel that. Like, I'm sure after that first conversation, deep conversation that you had with Martha, you felt it. But I would even argue that that's like... That that was still, that was still very much lust and attraction. Like a true emotional connection happens when you feel safe with someone, there's trust.

• 16:37Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 16:38Jillian Turecki?

  And that, it's the foundation. You know, it's knowing that, it's knowing that an argument is not going to end your relationship. When you feel safe enough to argue with your partner, then you are, I would say that is a very good measure of a good relationship.

• 16:55Lewis Howes?

  Sure.

• 16:55Jillian Turecki?

  That you know that that's not, it doesn't mean that it's gonna blow up. It's an argument. And you know what, you're supposed to argue. Because you have to sometimes be very reminded of the fact that you are not in a relationship with someone who, a projection of your ideal. You are in a relationship with an autonomous person who has their own beliefs and their own mind. And sometimes they're stubborn, and sometimes you're stubborn. And that creates, that creates chemistry, by the way. A little bit of arguing creates, can, can create a little bit of chemistry. Because you're, again, you're reminded like, oh, like, I can't control this person.

• 17:35Jillian Turecki?

  You know, like, they are their own person.

• 17:37Lewis Howes?

  Sure.

• 17:38Jillian Turecki?

  So love and the understanding of love, I think it's something that we all have to learn, you know? That it is a choice and that lust, there's no choice in lust. Lust is a very out of control fun feeling. But you're not choosing to lust over someone. It's like, it's taken over you. And a lot of people confuse the two.

• 18:03Lewis Howes?

  Is lust a sign of a wounded person?

• 18:06Jillian Turecki?

  No, it's a sign of a person with a, with a beating heart. What's a sign of an immature person is someone who thinks that lust is love. And that's not to put anyone down. It's just, it's, we're, we're all, we're all.

• 18:22Lewis Howes?

  They believe that the same thing.

• 18:24Jillian Turecki?

  We're in it together to grow and to deepen our understanding of what it is to love ourselves and love another human being. Like, we're all in it together, trying to learn this. Immature person.

• 18:34Jillian Turecki?

  Things that is so attached to the lust part of getting to know someone.

• 18:41Lewis Howes?

  The feeling part.

• 18:43Jillian Turecki?

  The feeling part, exactly, and not the practice part.

• 18:46Lewis Howes?

  What's the difference between the practice and the feeling?

• 18:49Jillian Turecki?

  How can I love this person more? How can I transcend my ego right now when I just want to walk away? When really what I have to do is the more loving thing to do. Because sometimes to make a relationship work, I believe, one of the things that's really important is that you have to be in service of the relationship. So sometimes you have to do what's best for the relationship, even if it means having a very uncomfortable conversation. You have to care so much about the relationship that you have with this person, that you're willing to like do something that might not be that comfortable. That's love, right? Again, paradox, gray area, tons of it, not binary, you know? But what I say is like, sometimes you just have to,

• 19:33Jillian Turecki?

  sometimes fighting for love is not fighting for a relationship that's wrong. It's showing up as the person you want to be in a relationship.

• 19:45Lewis Howes?

  Even when it's not perfect, yeah.

• 19:47Jillian Turecki?

  Or just by saying, maybe if I show up better, the relationship would get better.

• 19:54Lewis Howes?

  Hundred percent. Friend of mine said, I'm paraphrasing this, but he said, you know, if you treated the person at the beginning of the relationship,

• 20:06Lewis Howes?

  at the end of the relationship.

• 20:07Jillian Turecki?

  Yes.

• 20:08Lewis Howes?

  It wouldn't be the end.

• 20:09Jillian Turecki?

  Tony Robbins.

• 20:10Lewis Howes?

  Is that what you're saying?

• 20:11Jillian Turecki?

  Yeah.

• 20:11Lewis Howes?

  And it's like, it's true. It's like if you treated the person in the beginning of the relationship, you know, the same way you did at the end.

• 20:19Jillian Turecki?

  Taking for granted.

• 20:20Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, it wouldn't be the end.

• 20:21Jillian Turecki?

  Yes, it's exactly true. In the beginning, we're marketing, we're sales, we're not taking each other for granted. So lust, you know, I have many stories in the book of people just being like. I love this person. This person is for me. They never had a difficult conversation. They don't even know what each other's needs are. They're not even trying to meet each other's needs. But they're so obsessive about the other person. They think this person must be the one. No, they're still a stranger. But what's happening is that you are being so... Yes, and there's a spectrum. Are there wounded people who get so enveloped by the lust age? And they can't see past it for sure. But it's a spectrum.

• 21:01Lewis Howes?

  One of the nine hard truths you talked about is you must speak up and tell the truth. And I think that's something that I learned the hard way many times. And, you know, one of the things I tested, I guess, with Martha is I'm just going to be fully honest about everything. Where the things that I used to say and then pull back on because women would react and cry or get emotional or whatever it is about my past. Which is like, if this person can't accept my truth, why am I going to choose to want to spend more time with them? Why am I going to invest in a, you know, a committed relationship with them? We don't need to be together. It doesn't have to work out, and that's okay.

• 21:38Jillian Turecki?

  Okay, so one way that people, that men will trust, test women. Let me give her the hardest truth about myself in a way that's really, really harsh. And let's see if she reacts. As opposed to sometimes there's certain truths that we need to share. And we have to do it in a way that's somewhat artful. So there's a soft landing. So let me do it really, really harsh. See if she has any reaction. If she's not for me, then bye bye. That's one way they mentor, yeah.

• 22:06Lewis Howes?

  I wouldn't say it was harsh.

• 22:07Jillian Turecki?

  No, no, I'm not saying...

• 22:08Lewis Howes?

  That's the way people test.

• 22:09Jillian Turecki?

  I'm actually not relating it to you, but your story reminded me of something.

• 22:12Lewis Howes?

  Sure, sure.

• 22:13Jillian Turecki?

  Yeah.

• 22:13Lewis Howes?

  That's good. But I think you must speak up and tell the truth. I've had so many conversations. And listen, if I would have gotten, you know, married in my twenties or early thirties.

• 22:24Lewis Howes?

  I would have been, I think I would have been screwed in marriage because I didn't do a lot of these things you talk about in your book. And I didn't have the courage to say exactly what I wanted in my future, in the future of my relationship, or at least the, the vision I had.

• 22:38Jillian Turecki?

  Yes.

• 22:39Lewis Howes?

  It was always to keep it as fun, lustful and adventurous, I guess, as possible, right? How do we keep that chemistry going, those good times rolling? And anytime there was frustration or sadness or like challenging conversations that were like, there was a reaction in a negative way, or just an emotionally challenging way. And when I felt like I was disappointing the person, I had a big people pleaser in me, right?

• 23:07Jillian Turecki?

  Yes.

• 23:07Lewis Howes?

  It's like, okay, I want to make them happy. So how do I just make them happy? How do I make this situation happy?

• 23:13Jillian Turecki?

  Yes.

• 23:14Lewis Howes?

  And, and it made me lack the courage to be like, you know what? This is my truth. I'm going to tell it to you in a loving, compassionate way.

• 23:23Lewis Howes?

  If that doesn't work for you, then we might have some, we might have to make a challenging.

• 23:28Jillian Turecki?

  Choices?

• 23:29Lewis Howes?

  Choices, yeah, for like the future. And maybe these good times aren't going to roll anymore. And I was like, always hard for me to do.

• 23:36Jillian Turecki?

  I know, because you didn't want, you wanted to be enough.

• 23:38Lewis Howes?

  Of course, yeah. And I wanted to, and I wanted to make it work and I cared about these people and, you know, all this stuff. So it was like, it's really hard to be, to end a relationship where you feel like, oh, but there's so much fun, things are good. But when you tell the truth earlier on in a dating experience,

• 23:58Lewis Howes?

  and just being very honest with the person about your past, present, and where you want to be in the future.

• 24:04Jillian Turecki?

  Yes.

• 24:04Lewis Howes?

  And if someone's not in alignment with you, then you should not be together.

• 24:08Jillian Turecki?

  Absolutely.

• 24:09Lewis Howes?

  And, and I think you can find out about alignment by both parties speaking up and telling the truth about everything. There was another book that we, we went through, Martha and I, when we were dating called Eight Dates, actually.

• 24:22Jillian Turecki?

  Oh, The Gottmans.

• 24:23Lewis Howes?

  It was powerful.

• 24:23Jillian Turecki?

  Yeah.

• 24:24Lewis Howes?

  And it was uncomfortable. I mean, it's like a lot of uncomfortable conversations. And it's kind of like each date is about like, one about kids, one about money, one about marriage, one about like, whatever, these different situations in life. And I mean, the questions might have felt like overkill. There was like 50 questions around each topic. And I was like, gosh, these are just, it's not enjoyable to speak about these things.

• 24:45Jillian Turecki?

  Yes.

• 24:46Lewis Howes?

  And really be honest about, and like, oh. And have her ask me the question and look at me like, oh, how is she gonna receive this? And like, oh, man, I gotta really show up and be honest here? Oh, okay, let me breathe through it and like, take a break and come back like, it is uncomfortable.

• 25:01Jillian Turecki?

  Yeah, very much so. Listen, I didn't tell the truth either. You know, that was a very, very big part of

• 25:10Jillian Turecki?

  my pain in relationships. Yeah, that's, I mean, all of these truths are, are both based on my professional and personal experience. And.

• 25:21Lewis Howes?

  What was the truth that you didn't share?

• 25:24Jillian Turecki?

  There was a lot, the truth of how I felt about things. The truth about my concerns over certain things. The truth about what was really painful for me. The truth about my trauma. The truth about my, how, how something made me feel.

• 25:43Lewis Howes?

  So you weren't willing to reveal yourself?

• 25:45Jillian Turecki?

  You know, it's interesting. I think that I felt very vulnerable in that relationship, but I don't think that I was truly very vulnerable.

• 25:55Lewis Howes?

  You felt vulnerable, but you weren't being vulnerable?

• 25:57Jillian Turecki?

  Yeah, I felt, I felt, and I think a lot of people aren't vulnerable because they feel too vulnerable, like they feel too scared, right? And so I don't think I was very vulnerable. And also I didn't take a stand when I needed to take a stand.

• 26:12Lewis Howes?

  You didn't have boundaries.

• 26:13Jillian Turecki?

  I didn't have the strong enough boundaries. Absolutely not. I wasn't, I didn't want to rock the boat because I didn't want the, I didn't want to be left. I didn't want the relationship to end. And you have to be willing to rock the boat. You have to be willing to ask the questions that scare you and listen to the answers that scare you even more because for a relationship to be worth keeping, you have to risk losing it sometimes. Like sometimes it gets to that point where it's like. I have to risk this not working out. Because if I don't, then I'm just staying in something and putting a Band-Aid over it. But I've worked with many couples where, you know, they were married for years and they just weren't telling the truth. Again, they didn't want to hurt the other person's feelings. It was too vulnerable.

• 26:57Jillian Turecki?

  They didn't know how to have these conversations. And once they started really telling the truth to each other, that's when they were able to heal.

• 27:04Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, and you come together stronger after that.

• 27:06Jillian Turecki?

  Absolutely. The truth is really important. Like the important truth, like this is how I feel. Like sometimes it's a really direct truth. I love you, but if these two things don't change, I don't know how to be in a relationship with you. Like sometimes it'll get to that point.

• 27:24Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, I almost feel like you shouldn't get in a relationship until you know the person of what you're wanting to change.

• 27:31Jillian Turecki?

  But sometimes things come up. Sometimes things come up. People change, things happen, and you have to be willing, you know, things can come up.

• 27:39Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, you get to be flexible too, for sure.

• 27:40Jillian Turecki?

  Well, you just have to be aware of the fact that sometimes things come up.

• 27:43Lewis Howes?

  But I think the more you can have these honest conversations earlier. I mean, listen, there's going to be things I'm going to keep learning about Martha forever, right? New things about her constantly.

• 27:51Jillian Turecki?

  Yeah.

• 27:51Lewis Howes?

  But what I say, I feel like I know 80 to 90% of like at the core, what she values.

• 27:58Jillian Turecki?

  Yes.

• 27:59Lewis Howes?

  Based on what she's communicated to me, I feel like I know that.

• 28:02Jillian Turecki?

  Yes.

• 28:03Lewis Howes?

  And because we've had multiple of these conversations and because I feel like I'm intuitive and discerning enough to like read the energy. Now, she could be lying to me about certain things. She could be hoarding stuff. And at that point, it may be a deal breaker later in the case be like, oh, you lied to me. You said something completely different and you lied about it. Like you weren't being honest. That's a bigger problem than like you changing this one thing. It's like you just were not honest with me.

• 28:27Jillian Turecki?

  Yeah, of course.

• 28:28Lewis Howes?

  So it's.

• 28:29Jillian Turecki?

  There were a lot of lies in my marriage.

• 28:31Lewis Howes?

  Really? Now, did you have the conversations before the marriage?

• 28:36Jillian Turecki?

  No. I mean, we had some conversations. I don't want to make it out like it was like.

• 28:40Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, yeah, but there was surface problem. They really tried to be deeper, but they were like.

• 28:43Jillian Turecki?

  I mean, we would talk about, we, I mean, we were, it was immaturity. It was wounds. It was like lack of self. I mean, I thought I was like this like incredibly self aware person getting. And I learned so much also because I had, you know, yes, I'd had abusive relationship. But the relationships before him, like I'd been in a very long term relationship. That was beautiful and lovely and respectful and healthy.

• 29:08Lewis Howes?

  Why did you get married in that one?

• 29:09Jillian Turecki?

  I was too young. I was too young and you know, we, the relationship, because I didn't know anything really about relationships. We were just, we were just really good to each other, but it became more of like a friendship. It was just sort of like, it became more like, you know, friendship and.

• 29:24Lewis Howes?

  Yeah. How important is timing in a relationship?

• 29:27Jillian Turecki?

  Like wrong, right person, wrong time?

• 29:29Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, or it's, yeah, exactly. Like it's the right person, wrong time or.

• 29:32Jillian Turecki?

  I think oftentimes when.

• 29:33Lewis Howes?

  They're not ready or whatever, yeah.

• 29:35Jillian Turecki?

  I often think that, uh, wrong time, wrong person. Again, I'm not God. I don't have all the answers. No one does. Are there, are there people who maybe found like met each other was the wrong time? And then they met each other again and they got married and everything's great? I'm sure that exists. More times than not, oftentimes it's not a timing thing. It's really something else, but we get caught in the fantasy of what it could have been. And you know, who's not to say that maybe you would get together and it was the right time? And then it would just fall apart a year later. You just never know. And yes, to echo your point, having these, telling the truth, having these really important conversations beforehand, even if like your adrenaline and is going off in your body and your palms are sweating.

• 30:19Jillian Turecki?

  Like you have to have these conversations. They are so incredibly important and I know that they're scary. I don't want to have them either, but they are the game changer. So you have to tell the truth. You have to tell the truth. And a lot of people who are afraid who that they're not enough, they go into pleasing. They're afraid that they're going to be abandoned. They're afraid that they're gonna, sometimes it's facing the truth of who someone is and what their relationship is. And we don't want to face the truth. So we have to tell the truth. We have to face the truth. It is always, always going to be easier in the long run.

• 30:54Lewis Howes?

  Yeah. And speaking about the truth, uh, if a woman is going out and dating, right? And they, they've dated a bunch of different guys, but. They finally meet a guy that like, oh, this guy's different. And he's, you know, not only does he like check off all the things on my written down list, but like, I feel emotionally safe. We're just connected. We have similarity. We have alignment in so many places. And this could be an amazing relationship for me. But then a month or two down, he just says, you know what? This is not working out for me. And he's dating other women and starts to date someone else. What should a woman be thinking or feeling

• 31:34Lewis Howes?

  in that experience when most of the times you hear women saying that they're devastated, that they're heartbroken, that this guy didn't choose them.

• 31:42Jillian Turecki?

  Yeah.

• 31:43Lewis Howes?

  And they think something's wrong with them. Instead, what should that woman be thinking or saying about that situation?

• 31:50Jillian Turecki?

  What my dream would be, if, you know, Jeannie Nibata was like, what would be your wish for these women? It would be, okay, cool. On to the next.

• 31:59Lewis Howes?

  Why is it so hard for women to do that?

• 32:01Jillian Turecki?

  It's so hard for people to do that because

• 32:05Jillian Turecki?

  you thought you met someone and you've, and your love is a completely irrational feeling. It's not rational. You know, we met someone, we liked them. You compound that maybe for that woman. She's in her childbearing years. She, her clock is ticking. She wants to build a family. That's like, that's her dream. And she meets someone, it's great. And then all of a sudden, it's like, wait, what did I do? You didn't choose me? Like, what, what's going on? Often in those scenarios, they, um, people put their eggs in their, in one basket a little bit too soon. And they think the person is just great. And part of, you know, part of what we have to do in the beginning, and this is so hard. Everything I'm saying is easier said than done. Nonetheless, it needs to be done.

• 32:48Jillian Turecki?

  What's so hard is we have to kind of, well, when we meet someone, we're excited about them.

• 32:53Jillian Turecki?

  I don't, I don't want to rain, I don't want anyone to rain on anyone else's parade. But process your enthusiasm. Have a conversation with yourself, like, well, this feels really good. This feels really promising. I feel really excited. So you're connecting with what you feel emotionally. And then say, and I also know that this could also not turn out to be anything. And instead of me getting attached to the outcome, I'm gonna really enjoy this feeling that I'm feeling right now. But I'm going to use some discernment here because I still, I don't know this person's character. I understand, I have the wisdom and I've been learning from all the relationship experts here.

• 33:35Jillian Turecki?

  I understand that it takes time to really get to know someone. It takes time to see if we're in alignment. So I'm excited to learn more.

• 33:47Jillian Turecki?

  And that's sort of what we have to start talking, how we have to talk to ourselves, right? If someone is just not interested in you. One of the things that make us very resilient in life is the ability to accept that rejection. And that rejection is a part of life. And that we are not going to be for everyone. This is in work, professionally, business, personally, we're just not for everyone. How boring, right? And if we were for everyone, then we were, then we're chameleons. And we're, we're like trying to be for everyone. So, um,

• 34:29Jillian Turecki?

  the worst thing you can do, and this is what people do and what I talk about a lot. Oh, you're not choosing me? Let me, let me do something to get chosen. Let me change myself. Let me not tell the truth. Because I think I love this person, but really what I feel is just some lust and I'm attached to some fantasy of what could be. Because I just don't want to be alone anymore. And I'm really deep down, very afraid of being alone. I'm very afraid of not having children. All these things you don't have to be ashamed about. These are real legitimate fears. Get in touch with them. Befriend them? Understand what you're going through emotionally? And stop strategizing to get some Joe Schmo who you don't even know, who probably is not right for you. In fact, definitely isn't,

• 35:13Jillian Turecki?

  because they're not choosing you, to choose you. Go for someone else.

• 35:18Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, one of your nine hard truths is you cannot convince someone to love you.

• 35:22Jillian Turecki?

  Never. And that's also in a relationship. You know, I spent two years trying to convince my husband to love me.

• 35:29Lewis Howes?

  Really?

• 35:30Jillian Turecki?

  I felt that way. Yeah, I there it it was more subtle. You know, there were just things that he was pulling back, right? So I was just like, what can I do differently? How can I? What lie can I tell? Not an overt lie, but like, what truth can I withhold?

• 35:46Lewis Howes?

  To make him more

• 35:47Jillian Turecki?

  Yeah, to keep him.

• 35:48Lewis Howes?

  Pleased with me or satisfied or whatever.

• 35:49Jillian Turecki?

  Yeah, exactly. And it was subtle. It wasn't every moment of every day, but it was, but it was there. It was there.

• 35:56Lewis Howes?

  Wow. How does that feel when you're trying to convince someone to love you, but they're not receptive to it?

• 36:02Jillian Turecki?

  It feels like a self betrayal. It feels like you are abandoning yourself. What I would like for people to do, and I know this is much easier said than done. And obviously, if it's an involved relationship, like a marriage, it's a journey and it's a process. You don't just wake up one day and say, okay, let go. Letting go is a process. But ultimately, where I want people to arrive to is if you think that your happiness is somewhere else, I'm not standing in the way of that. I'm not standing because you could convince someone short term to stay, but you will always know that you are holding them hostage emotionally in some way. And it'll never, it'll feel terrible.

• 36:45Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, it's not fun. And it's like, again, having the discernment to fight for the relationship.

• 36:51Jillian Turecki?

  Yes.

• 36:51Lewis Howes?

  Versus letting go when someone's not choosing to love you in return.

• 36:56Jillian Turecki?

  It's very, very complicated, Louis.

• 36:58Lewis Howes?

  And you might have been thinking, well, I'm fighting for this because we're married and we love each other. So I'm gonna fight for this and try to do what I can.

• 37:05Jillian Turecki?

  It's very complicated.

• 37:06Lewis Howes?

  Versus self betrayals, abandonment, lack of boundaries, people pleasing or whatever was you're experiencing.

• 37:12Jillian Turecki?

  It's very complicated, Louis. It's like, you know, sometimes it's like, maybe your partner's going through a mental health crisis. And so they're pulling away. So you're like, I'm gonna fight for this because we have, what we have is so special.

• 37:23Lewis Howes?

  Or their parent, they have, they lost a parent or something, and they're going through something tragic.

• 37:26Jillian Turecki?

  Yes, and you're like, I'm gonna fight for this. I know that they're putting, it's complicated, you know? And knowing when to stay or to go, these are, these can be very hard to decipher. Um, but ultimately, you know, I talk about choosing yourself and that really, it's got nothing to do with the other person. It's really about understa- like, what is the life that I must lead? Like, how?

• 37:51Jillian Turecki?

  When has it been enough? What, has the line been crossed to the intolerable?

• 37:57Jillian Turecki?

  And like, so knowing, and sometimes you don't have to, sometimes you don't know until you're actually in it. But I do think a secret weapon to dating is really having a clear understanding of what's, what is the intolerable for you and tolerate the rest.

• 38:12Lewis Howes?

  That's tricky though, also because it's like the analogy of the, the frog in the boiling water or something, right? It's like, it gets hot in the water, but then eventually it just, it can tolerate it because it's getting, you know, hotter and hotter. But then it never jumps out, it just dies.

• 38:27Jillian Turecki?

  Yes, exactly. Well, that person then needs help with a coach or a therapist to get them to understand what actually is intolerable.

• 38:34Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, they need an intervention.

• 38:36Jillian Turecki?

  Yeah, an intervention, exactly. Correct.

• 38:38Lewis Howes?

  It's tricky though.

• 38:39Jillian Turecki?

  Yeah, it's all tricky, but I think that, but yes, it's all tricky. But, and it's definitely trickier for people who have a history of toxic relationships and trauma. But that doesn't mean that you can't, you can heal, you can change it, you can learn, you can do things differently, but it does mean you have to change some things.

• 39:02Lewis Howes?

  Hundred percent. What would you, if you could go back to before you were married?

• 39:06Jillian Turecki?

  Yes.

• 39:07Lewis Howes?

  And if you could only do three things differently, to either set the marriage up to be more successful when you got married, or realize, oh, we're not alignment, so I'm gonna actually remove myself before getting married. What three things could you have done differently?

• 39:24Jillian Turecki?

  Well, there were, there was a massive red flag, um,

• 39:29Jillian Turecki?

  that I outlined in the book, and there's a couple more. That I, what I could have done differently was paid attention to those red flags and, and said, you know, I mean, We have a lot of fun together. We're very compatible. We are in some ways like two peas in a pod. There's a lot of chemistry, but

• 39:48Lewis Howes?

  But lust is not love.

• 39:49Jillian Turecki?

  But lust is not love.

• 39:52Jillian Turecki?

  And what what just happened was something that I just can't ignore.

• 39:57Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 39:58Jillian Turecki?

  So that was something, uh, being more, being more honest, having some more kind of sit down, honest conversations about things.

• 40:07Jillian Turecki?

  But I just, I just didn't have the tools and the maturity to do it.

• 40:11Lewis Howes?

  Most people don't have that in their teens or twenties or even thirties.

• 40:14Jillian Turecki?

  No, they don't. Some people don't have it in their forties, honestly.

• 40:18Lewis Howes?

  Even until, it's almost like until they experience enough pain, then they say, okay. Not that I experienced pain once.

• 40:25Jillian Turecki?

  Yes.

• 40:25Lewis Howes?

  But I've experienced it multiple times.

• 40:27Jillian Turecki?

  Something has to change.

• 40:28Lewis Howes?

  Now I gotta wake up.

• 40:28Jillian Turecki?

  Yeah. A sad thing that I see a lot in the comment section is a lot of people are just saying, well, there's just no point in being in a relationship or relationship sucks, or I'm never going to be loved again. It's like, oh, I just want to give that person a hug and just say to them like, you know, don't you see this is like, that's not the answer. That's just your fear. That's just your, your sadness.

• 40:48Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, I have a, a friend who is very well known.

• 40:54Lewis Howes?

  Very extremely successful and well known and been married and divorced, has, you know, has older kids and, and things like that. And

• 41:04Lewis Howes?

  has a lot of prospects. Let's just say that, right? This person. But they and I asked them and they're, they're, they're older and I asked them one time, I go, you know, why even be in a relationship when, you know, your kids are older now, you've got your, you know, your mission, your purpose, you're doing so much with that. And you've got great community and friendships. Like you've got a lot of great stuff.

• 41:30Lewis Howes?

  Why even be in a relationship? And they were like, because that's, that's the whole purpose of life. You know, it's like to be in great relationships, you know, and it's more than just friends and community and work and it's like, you want to be able to share these moments with someone on a deeper level. Than just, you know, having fun times with people and You know, little affairs, as you might call it.

• 41:54Jillian Turecki?

  Yeah.

• 41:54Lewis Howes?

  Like a couple, two month affair with this person, another two month affair with this person.

• 41:58Jillian Turecki?

  Draining your energy everywhere.

• 41:59Lewis Howes?

  Investing, but then pulling you out and then investing again. It's just like, it's exhausting. And I think it's worth investing in to do these, these nine things that you talk about in your book, which ultimately are just gonna make your life better. Whether you're with someone or not, they're gonna make you better.

• 42:20Jillian Turecki?

  Absolutely, regardless of your relationship status.

• 42:22Lewis Howes?

  Exactly.

• 42:23Jillian Turecki?

  A hundred percent.

• 42:23Lewis Howes?

  And so, and by you saying, even if you say, okay, I don't wanna be in a relationship. I don't wanna work on these things with myself, by loving myself, by learning how to speak up and tell the truth to myself and to other people, but like doing these things, you're just gonna be a better human being. You're gonna be more attractive to someone who's in alignment with you as well.

• 42:40Jillian Turecki?

  A hundred percent.

• 42:41Lewis Howes?

  And hopefully you'll be more safe and ready when you feel that alignment.

• 42:44Jillian Turecki?

  And again, I just wanna reiterate, it's just, it's not, it's not perfection. It's not perfectly healed. It's just, it's telling the truth, it's being honest about who you are and what you want, and seeing if the two of you have what it takes to build something together. And to raise your standards, of, for, raise your standards of yourself and of another person.

• 43:06Lewis Howes?

  I don't like it when someone has high standards of their partner.

• 43:10Jillian Turecki?

  And not for themselves, yes.

• 43:11Lewis Howes?

  But they can be flawed and imperfect all day long.

• 43:14Jillian Turecki?

  Yes. No, it had, you know, we can say, we can get really clear about what we want in a partner. We can know exactly the kind of relationship we want, the values, all of that. But if we're not willing to search deep inside ourselves, to discover the ways in which we have to show up in order for that relationship to be possible, we are not going to be any closer to the relationship we want.

• 43:40Lewis Howes?

  Mm-hmm. You've got these nine different hard truths, and, and one of them is also you must make peace with your parents.

• 43:45Jillian Turecki?

  Yeah, that's gonna be an interesting one for people to read.

• 43:49Lewis Howes?

  Why do you think we need to make peace with our parents in order to have a healthy, loving relationship with a partner?

• 43:55Jillian Turecki?

  So one thing that I explained in that chapter is just, I, cuz I wanna put it out there. I don't believe that you have to forgive a parent that abused you or sexually abused you or anything like that. So I don't think. Yes, you have to reach some level of peace with your past and work through therapy. So I do, I do put a disclaimer in there that I do think that there are certain circumstances where I do not. I don't, you know, I think people who overcome that kind of thing, like those are the heroes to me. Those aren't not, those are not survivors to me, they're heroes. And, and when I work with people like that, who've gone through something like that, I try to help them see the hero in themselves, not just the survivor.

• 44:39Jillian Turecki?

  But I never, ever, ever suggest like, you know, reconnect with this person.

• 44:44Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, because being sexually or physically abused by a family member is probably got to be one of the most psychological, you know, fracturing, damaging things that could ever happen to anything, right? Outside of like, I don't know, watching someone murder someone that you care about in front of you, like.

• 45:01Jillian Turecki?

  Or suicide.

• 45:02Lewis Howes?

  Something like that.

• 45:03Jillian Turecki?

  Yeah.

• 45:03Lewis Howes?

  Those instances, but someone that you came from, who's then sexually or physically abusing you.

• 45:09Jillian Turecki?

  It's horrendous.

• 45:10Lewis Howes?

  It's gotta like fracture you emotionally and psychologically, spiritually and physically.

• 45:15Jillian Turecki?

  Or if it's the family friend, but then the family, your, your family did not protect you.

• 45:19Lewis Howes?

  Exactly. There's a fracturing of the mind that happens. There's different fractrings of the mind. If your parents are fighting all the time, if they get divorced, there's all these different fractrings where it's, you have to reclaim these parts of ourselves.

• 45:32Jillian Turecki?

  Yeah.

• 45:33Lewis Howes?

  You know, these wounded parts of us, it's the IFS system, it's like reclaiming the internal family system. And, and which is weird as it sounds, because having a re, having a reparenting that wounded self inside of you.

• 45:45Jillian Turecki?

  To feel more whole, to feel more integrated.

• 45:47Lewis Howes?

  To feel more integrated. And so it's not forgiving necessarily, people that have done these things, which I'm hearing you say, if that's your choice. But you do say we have to make peace with these parents.

• 45:57Jillian Turecki?

  Yeah, well, because, so, let's put that aside. Most people are actually just pissed off with their parents or have a troubling relationship with a parent. There's no abuse, but there's a troubling relationship, there's stuff there. And are.

• 46:13Jillian Turecki?

  Our relationships with our parents in childhood, they show up in our adulthood. Most people will marry their mother or their father. And sometimes it's not a bad thing. It's not, it's not like they're really like the good parts or like you have a great relationship with them. But oftentimes, when people are not doing the self-awareness work, they end up marrying like the parent with whom they struggled the most.

• 46:37Lewis Howes?

  Wow, because they want to fix it or they want to repair that?

• 46:39Jillian Turecki?

  Yeah, but there's again, whoever really figures this out will get the Nobel Peace Prize. But I, but the, the various theories in the psychology world is that they're trying to, one is trying to then replay and rehash a scenario so that they can, the unconscious is trying to heal it. Why it ever really happens, I mean, that sounds like a good theory to me, but you know, we're all very much a mystery still, right? So I had a very complicated relationship with my father, a very troubling relationship with my father. He recently passed away. He was a very famous psychiatrist in his field, wrote a book called The Difficult Child. And that was based on me.

• 47:21Lewis Howes?

  Oh, my gosh.

• 47:23Jillian Turecki?

  And yes.

• 47:24Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 47:25Jillian Turecki?

  Yes.

• 47:25Lewis Howes?

  That's interesting.

• 47:26Jillian Turecki?

  And he wrote it in the eighties.

• 47:27Lewis Howes?

  That's complex.

• 47:28Jillian Turecki?

  Very complicated, but.

• 47:30Lewis Howes?

  Because he wrote a book based on you being a difficult child.

• 47:33Jillian Turecki?

  And the difficult child syndrome, so like that, yeah, so that did a number on me for sure. But, but it's, but, but I'm all, it's all good.

• 47:41Jillian Turecki?

  But my father was a very brilliant man, very brilliant mind, but suffered from severe mental illness. So he had, he was a great psychiatrist, but he had severe bipolar disorder, like the most, a very extreme kind.

• 47:55Lewis Howes?

  Swings, big swings.

• 47:56Jillian Turecki?

  Yeah, and he didn't, and he also was, had, he was a narcissist in the true sense of the word, not in the way that it's thrown around all the way. He was truly a narcissist, diagnosed. And, and so he wasn't diagnosed when I was a child. So he self-med, and because he was a psychiatrist, unlike a psychologist is an M D, they go through medical school. So he could, he just self-prescribed all these different medications. And he, you know, drank, and so he was a ticking time bomb.

• 48:29Jillian Turecki?

  And my mom, my mom was an amazing mom. But which, which is no fault of her own, but what she modeled to me was being an American, like having no self-worth.

• 48:40Lewis Howes?

  No boundaries.

• 48:41Jillian Turecki?

  I mean, she was raised, you know, in like the 50s and 60s in South Africa. She's not an American, you know, like the very different culture and time and about women. And so it's all different. So she's in a relationship where there was a lot of emotional abuse. A lot of emotional abuse, a little bit of physical abuse. And my father, I was very afraid of him. He never laid a hand on me, but he was, you never knew what mood he was in.

• 49:09Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, I know that feeling.

• 49:10Jillian Turecki?

  Never. So, and so two siblings can grow up in the same home, but have a very different childhood.

• 49:20Jillian Turecki?

  I was a very, very sensitive child. I picked up on everything. And I think that maybe also when I was born, their marriage was like particularly bad. So I learned hypervigilance. I learned how to walk on eggshells. I learned, I was just, when they announced that they were getting separated and he was moving out, I was relieved and happy. Most kids are very upset when their parents are divorced. I rejoiced.

• 49:50Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, me too.

• 49:51Jillian Turecki?

  You too.

• 49:52Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 49:52Jillian Turecki?

  So there you go.

• 49:53Lewis Howes?

  I was like hoping it was gonna happen way sooner.

• 49:55Jillian Turecki?

  Yes, there you go. And so, because I found him very scary. He had a very dark energy. And so most of my life, even to my young adulthood, I was just avoiding him. So I was like the classic avoiding in my relationship with my father. And, and what happened was because I didn't know, I was so afraid of him and I didn't know how to assert myself and I didn't know how to have boundaries with him. And I didn't, I didn't have that sense of self. He did something that really pissed me off when I was 21 years old, just graduated college. And I made a decision to never answer his phone again, call again. So I ghosted my father.

• 50:37Lewis Howes?

  For how long?

• 50:38Jillian Turecki?

  Almost 15 years.

• 50:39Lewis Howes?

  Oh.

• 50:40Jillian Turecki?

  And so I know firsthand the impact of estrangement.

• 50:46Jillian Turecki?

  And I thought, well, if he, if I just don't, and my mom hated him, so that, you know, she didn't even try to encourage any sort of relationship. I thought, if I just, if he just wasn't in my life and I didn't have to deal with him, I would be okay. But little did I realize that the impact of estrangement is actually quite profound and it's, and it's very unhealthy.

• 51:07Lewis Howes?

  Yeah. Someone being alive, but you not being connected to them.

• 51:10Jillian Turecki?

  And, and he, and even though there was some, a lot of manipulation and narcissism, you know, it's one thing that this, the healthy thing to do is to learn how to relate to him differently with some boundaries. What I did was not the thing that was healthy for me. It was survival, but it, what I'm, what I'm trying to convey is that it was not without serious consequences. And it's not like not having him in his life, in my life, it didn't eradicate the impact of what it would have in my relationships. So I ghosted him, but I was just haunted by his ghost.

• 51:52Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 51:53Jillian Turecki?

  And so, part of me going through that relationship with my husband and my mother dying and having to really grow up. I had to, for me, growing up was, you don't have to be afraid of this man anymore. He's, he can't harm you. You're not a, you're not a little girl anymore who can't defend herself against dad. You have a voice and you can use it and you can have boundaries. And so I swung in the opposite direction and then was like, it was all ego. And I explain this in the book, all ego, like you can't, and my, the book is very little about me and a lot about more other people,

• 52:37Jillian Turecki?

  but this part, I do talk about me. I was like, you can't talk to me like that, like that kind of stuff. And then I realized, okay, now I swung in the other direction. Where can I come into the middle? And it was around the time that he was really old and I started, and he apologized about the book and I started to think, you know, I don't have to be afraid of him anymore. Maybe, maybe I can know what it's like to forgive. And maybe I can start to see that the apple doesn't fall far, far from the tree and there's certain wonderful things about him. That I actually inherited.

• 53:14Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 53:15Jillian Turecki?

  And then when he died, I got to heal that even more. And so that's a part of, that's a long story, but yeah, that's part of it.

• 53:21Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 53:22Jillian Turecki?

  So making peace, and for some people, it's just

• 53:27Jillian Turecki?

  making peace with the fact that they wanted you to be a doctor, but you're really an artist. And that's, and that you can still be an artist and your parent can maybe still love you, you know? And you can have these difficult conversations with your parents if you're able to.

• 53:40Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, this is powerful. The book, it begins with you, the nine hard truths about love that will change your life. Make sure you guys get a copy or two. Get one for a friend who's also going through maybe a challenge in their relationship or is single and struggling, uh, so they can have the tools to support them in their life as well. You've got an amazing podcast, uh, Gillian on Love Podcast, a lot of great stuff. Your, your content on social media is amazing as well. But where should we go to support you for this book? It's your website, right? It's the main place?

• 54:11Jillian Turecki?

  Yeah, so it's GillianTrekey.com/book.

• 54:15Lewis Howes?

  Okay, cool.

• 54:15Jillian Turecki?

  And it's all there.

• 54:16Lewis Howes?

  I'll have everything there for you.

• 54:17Jillian Turecki?

  Yeah.

• 54:18Lewis Howes?

  Uh, very excited for you. I hope people get the book and read it because it's going to be extremely helpful for them.

• 54:22Jillian Turecki?

  Thank you.

• 54:23Lewis Howes?

  And, um, if someone's watching, feel free to leave a comment of your biggest takeaway below on YouTube and post about this on social media. Make sure you tag Gillian as well, wherever you're sharing this out. And send it to one or two friends.

• 54:36Jillian Turecki?

  Yeah.

• 54:36Lewis Howes?

  Send it to one or two people and say, hey, let's talk about this. What did you learn? Share it with them. Couple of final questions, I think I asked you this before, but I'll ask you again. It's a question called the three truths.

• 54:48Jillian Turecki?

  Yes.

• 54:48Lewis Howes?

  So imagine you get to live as long as you want, but it's your last day on earth and you have to take all of your work with you. So we don't have access to your book, your content, this interview, it's gone. But on the last day, you get to leave behind three lessons of all of your experiences in life. And this is all we would have to remember your content by. What would be those three truths for you?

• 55:09Jillian Turecki?

  That X that you're crying over is not as amazing as you think they are. Find something that lights you up and put your energy into it. It could be small, it can be big, anything that gives your life meaning. You're not going to be happy all the time, but as long as you have something that feels meaningful to you, it's going to make feel life worth it. And then three, um, call your mom.

• 55:34Jillian Turecki?

  Tell her you love her. Maybe that's not for everyone. Or call your best friend. Or call your sibling. Tell people that you love them. Because, you know, life is fragile.

• 55:45Lewis Howes?

  Yeah. Don't call your dad?

• 55:47Jillian Turecki?

  Call your dad. Call your dad. Call your mom.

• 55:50Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 55:50Jillian Turecki?

  Call your partner. Like, tell them how much they mean to you. Don't, don't put that off. Because I lost both my parents. I lost my stepparent. And I don't live in the regret. I really do. I practice a lot of self forgiveness. And I know that my mom would really not like it if I was obsessing over this. But there's so many times that I wish that I had said certain things that I didn't say. And you don't get that other chance once they die. So call them.

• 56:19Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 56:20Jillian Turecki?

  Not really profound today, but that's what came into my mind.

• 56:23Lewis Howes?

  Uh, I appreciate you for creating this and for putting this out there. I know how hard it is to do a book. So I'm grateful that you have experienced so much life and sadness and suffering from many different relationships so that you could have the wisdom and the tools to share with us. So I appreciate you for your work and your, your service for helping so many people in relationships who are struggling and hopefully have more harmonious relationships. Final question. What's your definition of love?

• 56:51Jillian Turecki?

  It is something that when you give, it makes you a better person. And when you receive it, it makes you stronger.

• 57:05Lewis Howes?

  There you go. Julian, thanks for being here. Appreciate it. Powerful. I have a brand new book called Make Money Easy. And if you're looking to create more financial freedom in your life, you want abundance in your life and you want to stop making money hard in your life, but you want to make it easier. You want to make it flow. You want to feel abundant. Then make sure to go to makemoneymeasbook.com right now and get yourself a copy. I really think this is going to help you transform your relationship with money this moment, moving forward. We have some big guests and content coming up. Make sure you're following and stay tuned to the next episode on the School of Greatness.

• 57:49Lewis Howes?

  I hope you enjoyed today's episode and it inspired you on your journey towards greatness. Make sure to check out the show notes in the description for a full rundown of today's episode with all the important links. And if you want weekly exclusive bonus episodes with me personally, as well as ad-free listening, then make sure to subscribe to our Greatness Plus channel exclusively on Apple Podcasts. Share this with a friend on social media and leave us a review on Apple Podcasts as well. Let me know what you enjoyed about this episode in that review. I really love hearing feedback from you and it helps us figure out how we can support and serve you moving forward. And I want to remind you, if no one has told you lately, that you are loved, you are worthy, and you matter.

• 58:33Lewis Howes?

  And now it's time to go out there and do something great.