How Community Shapes Your Mind, Body, and Well-Being

Imagine a small town where neighbors gather for every celebration, and people stay remarkably healthy simply because they’re deeply connected. Research shows that meaningful relationships—not achievement, diet, or even exercise—are the strongest predictor of long-term health and happiness, while loneliness can be as harmful as smoking two packs a day. Our social bonds influence gene expression, lowering stress and inflammation and activating the body’s natural healing pathways. By prioritizing kindness, investing in uplifting relationships, and creating simple moments of togetherness, we tap into one of the most powerful longevity tools we have. And the hopeful truth is that building just a few authentic connections can change your life in profound, measurable ways. In this episode, I discuss, along with Radha Agrawal and Jeff Rosenthal, why deep, authentic connection is one of the most powerful determinants of our physical health, happiness, and longevity. Radha Agrawal is the co-founder, CEO, and Chief Community Architect of Daybreaker, the early-morning dance and wellness movement. Daybreaker currently holds events in 25 cities and more than a dozen college campuses around the world and has a community of almost half a million people. She is also the author of a new book called Belong: Find Your People, Create Community, and Live a More Connected Life. Jeff is the Co-Founder of Summit, a cutting-edge organization best known for hosting global ideas, festivals and events, and is the co-owner, principal designer, and developer of Summit Powder Mountain and Powder Mountain ski resort in Eden, Utah. He’s the co-author of Make No Small Plans: Lessons on Thinking Big, Chasing Dreams, and Building Community. This episode is brought to you by BIOptimizers. Head to bioptimizers.com/hyman and use code HYMAN to save 15%. Full-length episodes can be found here: The Surprising Key To Longevity The Most Important Medicine for Your Health and Longevity How Mindset And Community Are Key To Realizing Your Dreams

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Dr. Mark Hyman?

  Coming up on this episode of the Dr. Hyman Show. It wasn't career achievement, it wasn't exercise, it wasn't a healthy diet that determined the quality and happiness of your life. It was good relationships. Good relationships keeps us healthier and happier.

• 0:16Dr. Mark Hyman?

  Before we jump into today's episode, I want to share a few ways you can go deeper on your health journey. While I wish I could work with everyone one-on-one, there just isn't enough time in the day. So I built several tools to help you take control of your health. If you're looking for guidance, education, and community, check out my private membership, The Hyman Hive, for live Q and As, exclusive content, and direct connection. For real-time lab testing and personalized insights into your biology, visit Function Health. You can also explore my curated doctor-trusted supplements and health products at drhyman.com. And if you prefer to listen without any breaks, don't forget you can enjoy every episode of this podcast ad-free with Hyman Plus. Just open Apple Podcasts and tap "Try Free" to start your seven-day free trial.

• 0:57Dr. Mark Hyman?

  What do the longest living and most joyous people in the world have in common? Well, they all share one common trait: a sense of belonging, of community, of connection. You know, when we have a tribe to believe on, when we are connected to others, when we have a sense of belonging, when we feel there's a worth outside of ourselves, we can really tap into an incredible array of our own inner pharmacy. Not the doctor's pharmacy, but our own inner biochemistry lab in our brain that regulates so much of our health. So what we're talking about today is how the strength of our relationships is one of the key factors, maybe the key factor, in determining longevity. I'll just

• 1:39Dr. Mark Hyman?

  tell you a quick story about a community I might have mentioned before, but it's Rosetta, Pennsylvania. And it was read about this years ago in one of Deepak Chopra's books. And they found that There was this tribe of, not tribe, a community of Italians that came over en masse from Italy, from this little town in Italy. And there were, you know, all different levels of society, wealth and, you know, achievement and success, at least monetarily. And, but they all came over. But the thing that was unique about them was that they had a deep sense of community. And no matter what station of life you were, or who you were, everybody celebrated everything together. All the holidays, all the birthdays, and

• 2:20Dr. Mark Hyman?

  the weddings, and the funerals, and everything was in community. And then when they came to the States, they adopted the same crappy lifestyle habits as Americans, but they didn't die at the same rate because they had this sense of connection. Now, we know a lot about this research because the biggest, one of the biggest factors in, in terms of your risk for premature death is loneliness. Being lonely and socially isolated is equivalent to smoking two packs of cigarettes a day. That's really serious. So biological aging is a result of all of our stressors and, and our psychological stressors and relational stressors, our lack of connection is really important. Lack of physical touch, lack of

• 3:01Dr. Mark Hyman?

  intimacy plays a huge role, not lack of being understood and seen and witnessed, plays a huge role in, in so much of the ailments that we're suffering, not just mental illness, but also physical illness and our longevity. So this whole idea of socio-genomics, I actually came up with this term years ago when I was in Haiti, and then it became part of medical literature, not, not because of me, but because other people also started glomming on to it. And it was this idea that our social relationships and our social networks may be more important than our genetic connections in determining our health and our health outcomes. And that, that our lifestyle certainly influences our genes, but so does our social connections, our relationships influence our gene expression. And it's really not

• 3:43Dr. Mark Hyman?

  an abstract theory or notion. It literally is biology. Our thoughts, our beliefs, our relationships, all drive real changes that we can measure in our gene expression, that can cause inflammation, stress hormones. So for example, you're having a conversation with somebody, if it's a loving, connected, intimate conversation, Your anti-inflammatory genes will turn on, your healing and repair genes will turn on. Whereas if you're in a conflictual relationship or a conversation with somebody, you're going to have your stress hormones increase, you're going to have inflammation increase, you're going to increase all sorts of bad things in your body that are produced by your body that cause harm. So we have huge, huge, huge motivation, I think, to focus as a, as a key part of our health strategy

• 4:25Dr. Mark Hyman?

  and just life happiness strategy, a, a, a, a, a deep sense of community and making sure we build that. So our social connections, our community, our relationships, all are associated with long lifespan, with a better mental health, with improved physical health, and things like blood pressure, waist circumference, body mass, inflammation. Now, I was in Ikaria in Sardinia, which are two of the blue zones in the Cape Peninsula. And one of the things these communities have in common, where people live to be longer than anywhere else, and I wrote a lot about this in Young Forever, my new book, was the power of community. They all were part of this fabric, and they all had their place, they all had their role, they all had a meaning and purpose, even if you're 100 years old.

• 5:04Dr. Mark Hyman?

  I remember Julia was 103 months, she said, and she basically was still working at 100 years old, making all sorts of wedding accoutrements, like doilies and little lace things. I don't know what they do in Italy, but it was kind of cool to see her. She was constantly working and making stuff for all these weddings and was still involved in, in the community life. So I want to share a little bit about a study that is kind of reflects the power of this. And it was an 80-year study called the Harvard Study of Adult Development, and it had been producing data on so many different things, on, on who lives longer, happier, healthier lives. And they wanted to understand not what makes people sick, but what makes people thrive, what makes them well. So what were the lessons from this study was 84-year study, right?

• 5:49Dr. Mark Hyman?

  A long study, they were tracking the same people and over generations, asking thousands of questions, hundreds of measurements, to find out what really makes people healthy and happy. And they were giving, these people are giving regular updates on their life, their health, their income, their employment, their marital status. They filled out questionnaires and, and were part of interviews where they revealed their fears and their hopes, their disappointments, their accomplishments, their regrets, life satisfaction, and lots more. And this had a really incredible impact by providing lots of data.

• 6:24Dr. Mark Hyman?

  The researchers use this data to assess how people's lives, their experiences, their attitudes affect their well being. And one of the things that was so powerful from this study was sort of surprising. It wasn't career achievement, it wasn't exercise, it wasn't a healthy diet. That determined the quality and happiness of your life. It was good relationships, good relationships keeps us healthier and happier. That was powerful and the studies leaders that are, I mean, obviously the people started the study are dead.

• 6:55Dr. Mark Hyman?

  The current leader of the study, Robert Waldinger from Harvard and Mark Schultz have a new book. It's called The Good Life, Lessons From The World's Longest Scientific Study Of Happiness. And it's a great book. I actually had Robert Waldinger on the podcast, The Doctor's Pharmacy, and you can learn more about the book and things there. But what are the, what are the things that we can do? What are the lessons learned from the study? But how do we improve the quality of our relationships? First, we have to look at ourselves, right? Who are we? What is our life like? What are the choices we're making? How are we not prioritizing relationships? So we can get really busy. We can do all sorts of stuff that we think is helping us get ahead. We can spend too much time on social media.

• 7:35Dr. Mark Hyman?

  But we often don't really think about building and investing in the quality and the number of our relationships. And for me, I know as personally that my relationships, my friendships, my community is the most important thing for me. It really is what keeps me grounded, keeps me healthy, keeps me happy. And then more and more, as I get older, I focus more on this as opposed to like when you have kids and a career and you try to just kind of get by and it's like sometimes friends can fall by the wayside, but it's really important to find. And it even can be just one or two good friends. It makes a huge difference.

• 8:16Dr. Mark Hyman?

  When, when these people in the study actually were interviewed, they really actually benefited from this interviews because it helped them realize where they neglected their relationships. And then they considered sort of looking and finding, well, how can we improve that? So maybe look at your own life. What's your social life like? What are the, who are the people in your life that you care most about? That you, that you want to have a relationship? And think about how they support you and how often you spend time together? And maybe do a little bit of effort to actually focus on what matters to you most and help you make decisions that actually can enhance the quality and number of your relationships. So maybe spend more time with people who, who make you laugh and who elevate you and less time with people who drain you and are, are, you know, energy saps.

• 9:00Dr. Mark Hyman?

  So I, I, you know, I, I, I think it's important to, to find friends and community members that help bring you up and not take you down. You know, sometimes you meet with people, all they want to do is complain and go on and on about everything. And I think there, you know, there are, there are other people who you, when you're around them, you laugh, you have fun, you play, and it's just, that's what you want. Um, you know, prioritize your relationships. We schedule in exercise. We make ourselves maybe time to make a healthy diet. We, we focus on our career and work, but we don't focus on prioritizing those relationships that matter and being, showing up and being present for us rather than zoning out on social media, you know, rather than like, you know, doing a million things at once. Focus on, on your relationships.

• 9:43Dr. Mark Hyman?

  You know, and during COVID, I, I think we all felt a little isolated. And so I reached out to about six of my close male friends and we all have known each other for 40 often plus years, maybe 35, the smallest, I think was 25 years. And so we, we've known each other and we formed this group and every, every Tuesday at six o'clock, we meet for an hour and a half and spend time together and share about our lives. And it's been one of the most impactful things I've done. And it's something that you can do. It doesn't take any organization, you just need a Zoom link or it's really pretty easy. And you can have these deep connections and relationships that, that allow you to be seen

• 10:25Dr. Mark Hyman?

  and known and can really help activate so many healing pathways in your body.

• 10:31Dr. Mark Hyman?

  Make time to talk to people, right? And it came in sometimes as small relationships that matter. But a study in the University of Kansas found that the simple act of just reaching out to somebody, a friend for conversation, once a day dramatically increases happiness and lowers their stress hormones. So hanging out with friends lowers your stress hormones. Pretty good. And also, it's not all about you, right? So take time to ask questions. Find out what's exciting for them. Find out what they're struggling with. Find out what makes them happy. Have them share their life with you and value their opinions. Be present, focused, and don't, um, don't just kind of be superficial with them, but go deep. So maybe try to have one conversation a day and put that in your calendar and, and see what the effects will be over time. Super important.

• 11:16Dr. Mark Hyman?

  Next thing is be kind. You know, my grandmother, uh, used to ask my mother when she came home and said, I met this new friend. She says, are they kind? And I think kindness was such an important value in my family. And how do we be kind to each other? And, you know, um, you know, the, you know, the, the, the relationship happiness is determined by how you are in that relationship. There was a research study in Michigan State that looked on data, um, for, for 2,500 married couples. And they found they were, you know, how good they were in five different dimensions. Were they extroverts? Were they agreeable? Were they conscientious? Were they stable emotionally? Were they open to doing new things and experiences?

• 11:58Dr. Mark Hyman?

  And the ones who had higher levels of agreeableness and emotional stability also had higher happiness. So the more kind of kind and positive you were, the more likely you were to be happy. So, um, people invest a lot of time in, in finding someone who's perfectly compatible, but that might not be the whole story. It's more about being kind to the people you care about and fostering those deep connections. Also, um, a friend of mine had a word that I really love, which is called cop to itiveness, which is where you cop to it. If you screw up, if you make a mistake, you cop to it. And, uh, and it's really about learning to apologize, learning to, to repair relationships, learning how to have nonviolent communication, uh, and, and, um, you know, owning your stuff.

• 12:44Dr. Mark Hyman?

  Like I said, also a great way to build relationship is to ask questions. Instead of talking about yourself, ask questions about somebody. Show that you care, show that you're interested in what they care about or thinking about. So wants advice, don't just give them your opinion. Ask them questions to guide them to the right answer that they know themselves. Also, don't be shy about expressing your love. There are lots of ways to to love and lots of ways to express it. Uh, maybe it's simple things, you know, um. Uh, I, uh. I had a, a flight that came in the other night late and I usually take the Uber home and my partner, she showed up unexpected and picked me up at the airport. It was like just brought me such joy and delight.

• 13:28Dr. Mark Hyman?

  It was such a simple thing, you know, in ten, fifteen minutes from the airport here. And it wasn't a big deal for her, but it made a huge difference in terms of my own happiness and it was really powerful. So, help, help your friends with a project, you know, ask them what they need to do, whether it's clean up the garage or work on a project together.

• 13:46Dr. Mark Hyman?

  You know, call an old friend. Uh, maybe they haven't heard from you a while. Maybe you just want to check in on them, ask them how they're doing. Uh, maybe you want to focus on, on, um, helping somebody who's trying to do something that, you know, may be difficult for them, try to support them and, and give them some love. Also, when you have a partner or a close friend,

• 14:08Dr. Mark Hyman?

  do little acts of kindness, give them a little gift, you know, buy them something they like, you know, get them something that makes them smile. Can be super simple. Um, you know, when, when you often, uh, don't do these acts, um, kind of life just it's a little bit flatter. And when you do them, it's super fun. Like, like I said, my partner picked me up at the airport. It was like, wow, you know, I, I got that she really cared. Also, um, tell people how they, you feel about them. Don't wait till their eulogy to tell them all the things you like about them. Be specific. Give people feedback about what you love about them, what you like about them. What makes you happy and what, how you feel in their presence? Who would you be without them? You know, who would you, who would you be now that you're with them? What, what do they inspire you to do?

• 14:52Dr. Mark Hyman?

  And, and, and thank them for, for what they've, uh, do and, and, and how they show up for you. Don't be shy. Like I said, don't wait till someone's dead to write a eulogy about them. It's better to have eulogies when you're, when you're alive. And I, you know, I've actually had a, a group, friend group where we would get together. And on people's birthdays, we would basically go around and for everybody's birthday, we would share a little bit about what they're. Like and what we like about them, what we love about them, something that inspires us about them. And it's like getting a living eulogy is pretty awesome.

• 15:38Speaker 01

  We are literally born inside of a mother's womb. So we are born in, right, we're born in community and without it, we cannot survive or thrive, right? And it's so clear that our lack of belonging or isolation is the actual essential issue that ladders down to every other societal problem that we are facing today. So gun violence-

• 16:01Dr. Mark Hyman?

  Unpack that for us, because it's a big statement that loneliness is a cause of so many societal ills.

• 16:06Speaker 01

  Of every societal illness. So obesity epidemic, our lack of, so-

• 16:12Dr. Mark Hyman?

  Tell us how each one, obesity because-

• 16:14Speaker 01

  Because, so being socially isolated is as harmful to your physical health as being an alcoholic and twice as harmful as obesity because cellularly, right, we end up storing more, and again, you're the doctor here, but is there so much sort of knowledge around and studies around when you don't belong, all of a sudden your cellular reactions become slower, you're metabolizing food less fast. And there's actually a lot of studies that I've read around that.

• 16:43Dr. Mark Hyman?

  Maybe you're depressed and anxious and using food as your source of-

• 16:46Speaker 01

  Well, that too, of course, that too. But it actually sets off a cellular chain reaction. Our lack of belonging and isolation sets off this sort of cellular chain reaction that sort of slows down our metabolism as well. But also, you know, every anxiety and depression, you know, one in three college students are anxious or depressed today. One of the reasons we launched Daybreak on College Campuses is because my fiance's little brother, three of his best friends commit suicide in college and turns out it's, it's, what's the word? It's contagious. And, and, and so he-

• 17:29Dr. Mark Hyman?

  It's true, both positive and negative behaviors are contagious.

• 17:32Speaker 01

  Absolutely, exactly. And so we looked into it and we realized, oh my gosh, there's such a huge issue on college campuses around drinking and binge drinking and-

• 17:41Speaker 01

  So you want to create Deborah Crown College campuses to inspire connection without substances as well as we're now in 15 campuses.

• 17:47Dr. Mark Hyman?

  Because we're getting up at 6 o'clock to go dancing.

• 17:50Speaker 01

  Well, Bob students, we start a little bit later because they're definitely not going to come in. We have to lure them with burritos, but it's cool.

• 17:57Dr. Mark Hyman?

  Dancing with burritos.

• 17:59Speaker 01

  No, but I, you know, I, and so like unpacking some more, like our political strife right now, you know, the, the political polarization that we're facing today, you know, I think the Make America Great Again hats, you know, the red hats that people are wearing in the, on the Republican side. It's, it's a statement of connection and community. I'm a part of something and these are disenfranchised community members often who are being recruited, who are saying, hey, join our barbecue. We're cooking for everybody. Here's some hats for you guys. And all of a sudden I went from feeling like I don't belong to here's a community that really is welcoming me with open arms. The pipe bombers, all of the gun violence that we're facing today, many of whom are mentally,

• 18:38Speaker 01

  have mental illnesses, well, 85% of people experiencing mental illness are isolated or alone. And so because we ostracize them from society, they're not welcome because they're not mentally sort of abled, right? So, um, so that piece of it only sort of creates that, um, that, that sense of anger. Um, and so it's on each and every one of us to, um, out there who's listening on this, you know, on this podcast right now, to really make friends with everybody, whether it's someone who's older than you, younger than you, someone who's mentally, you know, sort of, um, um, experiencing mental illness. How can we actually bridge those divides that every single human on this planet can belong?

• 19:23Speaker 01

  And so the cover of my book has a doorway on it, right? Because the concept of neighborhood, neighborliness is also lost. We, you know, I live in New York City. We live in New York City. We don't, do you know your neighbors' names? Do you know the neighbor across the street?

• 19:34Dr. Mark Hyman?

  Yeah, we just moved in.

• 19:36Speaker 01

  I don't know my neighbors. I've been there for three years, you know, and, um, I try, I've tried to make friends with them. And there's sort of this kind of, um, don't talk to me type of thing. And, um, and so we're making a big effort, you know, we. And we have a welcome committee, like little figurines outside our door that says, you know, welcome to our home. You know, if you need salt, come and borrow it. Um, and, and we're, we're trying, but it's on all of us. Society needs to embrace the concept of neighborhood again.

• 20:02Dr. Mark Hyman?

  Good thing if you not need sugar, but if you need salt.

• 20:05Speaker 01

  Yes. Yeah, exactly.

• 20:06Dr. Mark Hyman?

  You're not gonna get a bag of white sugar.

• 20:09Speaker 01

  Definitely. Um, yeah. So it, but, but I think, you know, community, if the most generous act we can do as human beings is to create hu- community. The most generous thing we can do for ourselves and for each other is to sort of extend our hand and say, hey, will you be my friend? Um, so that come, that's true for, you know, for me, when I turned 30 years old, I looked myself in the mirror and I realized I didn't belong. And that was the beginning of my journey to community. And that's the first

• 20:37Dr. Mark Hyman?

  Hard to imagine that.

• 20:38Speaker 01

  Page of my book. Yeah. In my twenties, I spent sort of sleepwalking. I was in sports bars, watching football, drinking beer that I didn't want to drink and trying to be cool and relevant and hanging out with what I thought society, you know, sort of deemed as cool, like going to clubs and getting drunk and blacking out all the time because I'm Asian and I can't handle my liquor.

• 20:59Speaker 01

  And, and then at 30 years old, I woke up and I had this like, whoa, aha moment where I was just like, what have I been doing? Like, who am I? And that the light in my eyes was dim and, and I just could

• 21:09Dr. Mark Hyman?

  Hard to imagine.

• 21:10Speaker 01

  I mean, right. But in this last nine years.

• 21:12Dr. Mark Hyman?

  You and your sister are like headlight, high beams shining in the world.

• 21:15Speaker 01

  Well, this is the last nine years, right? Like we totally, and, and you know, you're such a, and you know, you're such a dear friend now. And, um, my, our community is what gives us that life. And so from 30 to 35, Mickey and I, you know, spent all of our effort and time focusing on community. And I'd create all these exercises for myself. And, and in my book, I talk about going in, right? You have to go in first to belong to yourself. So often with community building, we're grasping outside of ourselves to find those friends. But it really starts with this journey of self exploration first to get to know who we are, what we value, what we can bring to a community and how we're showing up. How are, how are we at listening? How are we at, um, connecting with?

• 21:58Speaker 01

  You know, with everyone around us and, and

• 22:02Dr. Mark Hyman?

  It's almost like focusing on not only how to find a friend, but how to be a friend.

• 22:05Speaker 01

  Yes, that's exactly right. That's exactly right. So the first half of my book really challenges the reader in a gentle and loving way to go inside and ask themselves, how are we showing up? And how can we, how can we sort of shine a light on ourselves first in a beautiful way, in a glorious way? Before we go out, I think so much of self-help today also, it traps us. We get trapped in self-help. We get trapped in personal development that we forget that the whole point of personal development is to do what? Is to better relate to the outside world, right? We go inside.

• 22:37Dr. Mark Hyman?

  It's called self-care, but it really should be we-care.

• 22:39Speaker 01

  Yeah, right. Exactly. It's like, I'm, I'm going to get a massage. I'm going to like, take care. I'm going to eat healthy. So that I can take care of my children better, so I can serve my community better, so that I can show up for the world better. And yet we forget that. We just get trapped in the look at me selfie moments without realizing that that's actually the, the sort of the ladder down to isolation, loneliness and sadness. Yeah.

• 23:01Dr. Mark Hyman?

  So in, in Okinawa, which is one of the longest-lived people in the world, they form a community at birth of babies that are kind of connected by their parents that go through life together and go through all the ups and downs and trials and tribulations from birth to like 100 years old. And it builds a sense of, and it's not like 100 people. It's like five people or four people. And it's, you know, most people can't even say there's one friend they have. They can call up when they feel bad or sad, who they can have a honest, transparent conversation to. That's really heartbreaking. And it's so much of a driver of some of the ills of our side. It's something people don't talk about. And it's what, you know, when we were with Rick Warren and Saddleback Church,

• 23:42Dr. Mark Hyman?

  I had the insight of using the power of community to help people create health. So suicide's contagious, but health is contagious.

• 23:50Speaker 01

  That's right.

• 23:50Dr. Mark Hyman?

  And obesity is contagious, but so is, you know,

• 23:53Speaker 01

  Good health.

• 23:54Dr. Mark Hyman?

  Good health, right. And I think that's such an important thing you're creating in the world. There's this call to belong. And not only to, to belong, but actually you've created a very specific roadmap. So I want to get into that now. You've talked about going in to go out. So let's talk about going in and what that means and how do you do that?

• 24:12Speaker 01

  Right, so I have about 20 exercises in my book that really take you by the hand. The whole point is to get dirty in this journey of self-exploration and have fun. But going in starts with first an audit of who are you spending your time with? Right, just take a moment to write down, who are the people I'm spending my time with today? At work, at home, around me, family, friends, relatives? Who are all the people you're spending your time with? And just write that down on a piece of paper and take a look at this map. Right, and this map will begin to, and what I like to do is color code it. So work friends, I'll color code in green, right? And family, I'll color code in red.

• 24:54Speaker 01

  And friends that I choose, I'll color code in orange, right? So different colors, just to sort of see, ah, okay, cool. So, you know, and then I have this kind of axis of energy that I created in my book in chapter one, in part one of the book, where you sort of assess, okay, who are the community members who are bringing me up? And who are the community members in my life who are bringing me down? So looking around, you begin to see, ah, cool. So all the green quadrant sort of is up and to the right. So therefore, I realize that my work life is very positive. I have very positive community at work. But then maybe there's more red dots around family and friends in the negative quadrants.

• 25:36Speaker 01

  So you're like, ah, okay, I need to really understand and assess what's happening in my family life, so I can really heal that or support that or ask myself, you know, how do I connect and handle family members? And we've all, you know, we all, we're all, we all go through that. And so really looking at this-

• 25:54Dr. Mark Hyman?

  Although I know your family, they're all pretty awesome.

• 25:58Speaker 01

  Well, you know, we all-

• 25:58Dr. Mark Hyman?

  Your dad's Indian, your mom's Japanese.

• 26:01Speaker 01

  My dad's, yeah.

• 26:01Dr. Mark Hyman?

  My sister's a doctor and my sister's, you know-

• 26:05Speaker 01

  Well, you know, it's and culturally, it's interesting, right? Like, um, uh, you know, my father, my mother, most some of the most loving community builders. I know, in fact, they, they, um, they modeled what community looks like for us. Um, and yet it's interesting because culturally, talking about love and, and, and sex and, and differently, you know, you just don't talk about those things with your, you know, with your, with your kind of Asian parents. And so, um, on one hand, they're the best community builders I've, I've seen. On the other hand, um, you know, I do long for, for a little bit more kind of emotional.

• 26:36Dr. Mark Hyman?

  Honesty.

• 26:37Speaker 01

  Honesty, yeah. Um, but I think, again, like, we all have those, those sort of issues. I'm, I'm going through the, the motherhood process right now. I'm seven months pregnant. I keep asking myself every day, you know, what kind of, you know, what kind of parent do I want to be? Um, and anyway, so, so plotting this graph, you begin to, to sort of see a pattern of, ah, okay, cool. So, you know, here is my entire life, you know, life map and, and it begins to give you a, a sort of a, the beginning of that story. And then from there, um, you ask yourself, okay, why, why am I spending my time with these people? Are they grandfathered in? Um, are we making excuses? Am I being lazy? Is it just easier to keep them around? You know, what is it?

• 27:17Dr. Mark Hyman?

  Are they energy givers or energy suckers?

• 27:19Speaker 01

  That's right. Exactly. And, and, and, and can I, and, and can I sort of be honest and vulnerable with that person and share, hey, listen, um, this is how I'm feeling right now in this relationship and, um, it's not working for me or I'm, I'm really, you know, sort of wanting to spend time with, you know, sort of more positive forces. I'm, I'm going through pregnancy right now and, um, I don't necessarily, um, I just want to spend just some more time connecting, uh, with, with the joy in my life, you know, and, and things like that, right? Being more honest and vulnerable. And I've had those conversations and it's, and it's wonderful. Either it becomes a mirror for that person to say, oh, wow, I realize I'm not showing up the way you, you want me to. Um, or they're, or they say, okay.

• 28:02Speaker 01

  I totally understand and let's reconnect after you give birth. You know, so I think that there's that honesty piece there that we forget. We end up just ghosting our people in our lives. You know, we end up running away or we end up shit talking and it ends up being a very negative experience. But you know, saying sort of, this isn't the time to spend time with somebody right now because I want to level up with my community members is the best thing you can do for yourself and for your friend too. Because they will begin to see how they're showing up. And hopefully they'll go on the journey of self exploration too.

• 28:35Dr. Mark Hyman?

  So rather than just cut them off, just have a real honest conversation with them.

• 28:39Speaker 01

  That's right. That takes courage and vulnerability on all of our ends. But it doesn't create resentment on the other side. That leads to negative storytelling and hurt and all other sort of, you know, larger issues. So

• 28:52Dr. Mark Hyman?

  So that's the first step in going in, so to taking inventory.

• 28:55Speaker 01

  Yeah, taking inventory, exactly. Auditing community who you spend time with. The second thing that I, this is what I did when I turned 30 and this is exactly what I outlined in my book is my own journey. That's taken me from feeling like I don't belong to this incredible, connected, joyful community that gives me wings and lets me fly.

• 29:15Speaker 01

  The second thing I did was I wrote down a three column list. And which we'll get into, column one was all the qualities I was looking for in a friend. Right? So I just wanted to write down and actually manifest and call in. What were the qualities I was looking for in a friend? Right? We do this type of audit again for our romantic relationships. We do this for our professional careers. Right? I want a job that pays this much. I want a job that has this type of vacation. I want a job that, right? Like all the different things.

• 29:45Dr. Mark Hyman?

  Essentially, in terms of life planning, it's not a category. It's like, love, work, money.

• 29:52Speaker 01

  Exactly.

• 29:52Dr. Mark Hyman?

  Friend is not a category.

• 29:54Speaker 01

  And it is the most important, when I say the most important category in life to focus on. And everyone says, focus on money, power, fame and building a business. But really, none of it will happen and/or will result in joy or joyful life experience. If you don't have a community being like, oh, my gosh, Mark, high five, like, whoa, we get to celebrate your major win, New York Times Bestseller list again, holy shit, let's go and throw a giant party for you, you know what I mean?

• 30:20Dr. Mark Hyman?

  Yeah.

• 30:20Speaker 01

  If you're just kind of like writing by yourself in your room and have no one to celebrate, then at the end of it, you're empty again, you know? So it's so critical that we continue to put our laptops down and keep our word and go to those dinners with our friends and say yes to the dance floor and say yes to adventure. Because at the end of the day, no matter, no amount of success will mean anything if there's no one to celebrate it with, right?

• 30:43Dr. Mark Hyman?

  That's true.

• 30:44Speaker 01

  So, um, so, so, so, so, so column one was all the qualities I was looking for in a friend, right? So I wanted friends who talked about ideas and not each other. I wanted friends who said, yeah, you can bleed that out to life. Um, I wanted friends who, you know, really took care of themselves and, and, and took care of each other. I wanted friends who were interesting and interested, right? Who were good listeners. Um, I wanted friends, yeah, I just, I just, so, so I just, I wrote down everything I was looking for in a friend, which was kind of vulnerable because there's so much shame around saying I don't belong, or there's so much shame around, um, writing down the qualities. It just feels desperate for some reason in today's society, right? But if we just removed, right? That's what I'm saying, but, but if we removed all of that stigma, because there is stigma around FOMO, right?

• 31:29Speaker 01

  Fear of missing out and fear of being left out. You don't tell people like, yeah, I was left out from the party and it really hurt. Like you're, we're so proud. We don't really talk about that, right? But faux blow is a concept I talk in my book quite a bit, which is fear of being left out, right? Which is the more subversive, negative version of FOMO.

• 31:45Dr. Mark Hyman?

  Yeah.

• 31:45Speaker 01

  Right? And then JOMO is joy of missing out, which is the joy of, of, of, of missing out and having the confidence to know there's other things to do.

• 31:52Dr. Mark Hyman?

  Yeah.

• 31:52Speaker 01

  But so column, so column two is all the qualities I don't want in a friend, right? So I don't want friends who are negative Nellies, lazy's, shoulder shruggers.

• 32:00Dr. Mark Hyman?

  Debbie Downer.

• 32:01Speaker 01

  Debbie Downers, Netflix and, you know, chill watchers all the time, um, and home bodies. Like I wanted friends who were just like, you know, really.

• 32:08Dr. Mark Hyman?

  Say yes to life.

• 32:08Speaker 01

  Say yes, like, and I call it FYF in my book. It's a very.

• 32:11Dr. Mark Hyman?

  And then somebody else might want a friend who they can sit around and do knitting with.

• 32:14Speaker 01

  That's right. That's, that's what I'm saying. So everyone's different. So your qualities are going to be very different from my qualities, whoever's listening out there, right? And that's exactly what you want to do right now is ask yourself, where do I feel the most energized? And then column three, perhaps the most important column was all the qualities that I need to embody. In order to attract the friends that I want. All the qualities that I need to embody. So I need to be less of a workaholic. I love my work. You know, I need to put my laptop down. I need to be less judgmental and, and nitpicking perfectionist and, um, you know, I'm a, I'm a CEO, right? I run companies for a living and so my job is to focus on what's going wrong.

• 32:54Speaker 01

  Right? My job is to focus on how to improve what's going wrong. So if I bring that, I used to bring that into my relationships, into my friendships. I'd be nitpicking what's going wrong in those relationships instead of being grateful for what's going right.

• 33:06Dr. Mark Hyman?

  Yeah.

• 33:07Speaker 01

  So that sort of understanding.

• 33:08Dr. Mark Hyman?

  Frame of it.

• 33:09Speaker 01

  Yes, that compartmentalization of in my work, I'm going to be focused on really, um, kind of wanting to improve service and product and whatever, but in my personal life to really compartmentalize and say, hey, wait, let me really focus on what's going right. Um, especially as, you know, as an Asian woman, you know, you grow up in a household where it's like, you're only loved if you get an A, you know?

• 33:32Dr. Mark Hyman?

  A plus.

• 33:32Speaker 01

  A plus, you know, so, so it's, it's, um.

• 33:35Dr. Mark Hyman?

  And you did all right. You were into Cornell and you were on a varsity soccer team and.

• 33:40Speaker 01

  Um, but yeah, so, so I think, I think it's, it's so important to take that audit, uh, you know, and, and look in the mirror and ask yourself, you know, how are you showing up for your friends too? So that was a really important.

• 33:50Dr. Mark Hyman?

  Going in is doing an inventory of your life and what matters, looking at yourself.

• 33:54Speaker 01

  Yeah, looking yourself.

• 33:55Dr. Mark Hyman?

  Where you're not the best friend and what you want.

• 33:57Speaker 01

  That's right. The qualities looking for.

• 33:58Dr. Mark Hyman?

  So what, what else is part of going in?

• 34:00Speaker 01

  So going in, there's also another exercise I do and there's so many more, I'll share one more.

• 34:03Dr. Mark Hyman?

  By the way, the book is full of these amazing practical exercises. It's not like, oh, you should be in a community and you should go have friends and it's like a roadmap, step by step to take you through the process of how do you create community capacity in yourself and how do you build and find community? And it's really, really awesome.

• 34:20Speaker 01

  Thank you. And I illustrated the book too. So every page is fun to read. Like I, you know, I have.

• 34:24Dr. Mark Hyman?

  It's not a bunch of words. It's very, it's like.

• 34:26Speaker 01

  I really like pictures and colors and, and it just makes the whole journey of, of, of community building a lot more playful and, and colorful.

• 34:34Dr. Mark Hyman?

  So what are the other going in?

• 34:35Speaker 01

  So yeah, so one more going in exercise I'll share before we we know move on to going out. Um, is I have you also assess what I call your via chart. So so it's a um, imagine a three sort of um, uh, Venn diagram, three circles that you draw. So circle one is your values, the V in via is your values. The I in value in in the via chart is your interests. And the A is your abilities. So just write down your values, your interests and your abilities in three concentric circles. And um, sit down with yourself and ask yourself today, Mark Hyman, what do I value today? Because what you value today is going to be different than what you valued maybe 10 years ago. Maybe 10 years ago, you're a big party animal. And then now you still are.

• 35:20Speaker 01

  I mean, you know, you still nothing's changed. I still see it burning, man. Um, fist pumping on the dance floor. But um, but but today, you know, maybe you're you're you just got married to beautiful wife. You're nesting, you move, you have a house in New York now. And um, and so maybe your values today is more family driven. And um, whereas 10 years ago, I might have been different. So I'm, you know, I'm seven months pregnant today as well. So my values are are different and values are sort of um, kind of the guardrails through which you live your life. You know, what are the what are things that matter to you? And you can Google values and see sort of what values come up. And there's all kinds of lists that come up. In my book, I list out about 100 values that you can choose from. But it's also something you can find on the internet.

• 36:03Speaker 01

  And um, you can begin to sort of map out what do I care about today? And really sit with yourself and and and connect to that that essence. Um, so write that down in one circle. And that will give you again, the beginning of roadmap for the type of other people that you want to connect with. Like what are, you know, so shared values are so critical, right? Um, and then the I.

• 36:24Dr. Mark Hyman?

  Cause if you name it, then you can identify others, right?

• 36:26Speaker 01

  That's right. Exactly. And then the I in in your via chart is your interests. So so what am I interested in today? So, you know, it's it's different from your values and your values is more sort of kind of intrinsic qualities. Family, you know, community, um.

• 36:42Speaker 01

  Work, life balance, you know, that sort of thing, right? Whereas your interests might be things like hiking and yoga and mindful meditation and music festivals and, you know,

• 36:54Dr. Mark Hyman?

  Daybreaker.

• 36:54Speaker 01

  And Daybreaker. Yeah, thank you. And all kinds of, right? So it's what are you interested in tangibly doing today? And, you know, some people I do this workshop with will say, well, I don't know. We all have interests, right? So dig deep. If, you know, if you don't have an interest right now, then start cultivating them, you know? And that's, and that's, that's what's so fun about this going in journey is that life is, we have a hundred years to live on this planet. Let's really begin cultivating our interests that are outside of just work.

• 37:24Dr. Mark Hyman?

  Only a hundred years if you eat right and follow my advice and connect in a community and follow Rada's advice, then you get to a hundred.

• 37:31Speaker 01

  Exactly. If you read all of Mark's books, yeah, for sure. And then your abilities are, and I really think about abilities through the lens of what can you bring to your community? So what are your abilities? Not just like I'm a good public speaker, but what can you bring to your community? So are you, is one of your abilities to ask amazing questions? Is one of your abilities to, to cook? Are you a good cook and chef? Can you cook for your friends? Or was one of your abilities to gather people in your home? Is your home a really wonderful place to gather? Is, you know, one of my-

• 38:05Dr. Mark Hyman?

  You're a great DJ.

• 38:06Speaker 01

  Exactly, exactly. So like two of my friends, I love giving this example. You know, one of them, she always has a purse full of like electric candles. So that when, you know, she, she really, she doesn't like neon lighting. So she'll walk into any room and she'll just be like, oh, no, no, no. This is like too harsh lighting. She'll turn off all the lights and break out all these like electric candles and like vibes out the place instantly. And it's incredible.

• 38:28Dr. Mark Hyman?

  And you have these other friends who are great, sort of artists, musicians-

• 38:33Speaker 01

  Exactly, they bring instruments, exactly.

• 38:35Dr. Mark Hyman?

  Play great things and do skits and-

• 38:36Speaker 01

  That's exactly right.

• 38:37Dr. Mark Hyman?

  It's so fun.

• 38:38Speaker 01

  Yeah. So they bring instruments, like Eli and I bring gold stars often to gatherings. So we'll say, Mark, you did great. You know, it was a wonderful thing you just said. Here's a gold star for you.

• 38:47Dr. Mark Hyman?

  Right.

• 38:47Speaker 01

  You know, we went to the hospital when Eli's father was sick and we gave all the doctors- Doctors and nurses, gold stars and said, thank you for what you're doing. Great job, you know, checking his pulse.

• 38:58Dr. Mark Hyman?

  And we look at you like, what?

• 39:00Speaker 01

  And they all started competing with each other for how many, the doctors, like serious doctors are competing with each other for how many.

• 39:04Dr. Mark Hyman?

  It's like kindergarten.

• 39:05Speaker 01

  Yeah, for how many gold stars they got and they put on their badges and it was this like hysterical experience. And we turned this sort of otherwise scary place into a playground. And you know, it's whatever we can bring that feels good for us, it feels natural to us. Bring that to your community and your experience and write that in your abilities chart.

• 39:24Speaker 02

  We often think of ourselves as what we're into, not what we do. Like we, we like to judge ourselves by our interests and our actions. And so I think what you do is a better measure of who you are. Like, how do you actualize the things that you say that you're into? And it's so hard, especially when it's like against your, your, your, you know, brain, like not eating sugar, you know, a stirred meal or whatever. When you have the cake in front of you, that kind of thing. And when it comes to community, when it comes to friendship, you know, like you, you need to actually do the thing. So you said, you know, like the best way to be invited to the party is to host the party. Well, that's exactly right.

• 40:06Speaker 02

  And every community has someone that makes it their charge to gather and organize that community, to bring people together. And so that's the first step. And then I think that part of the work is on yourself. Like if you want to build community in any space, if you want to have friends that have certain traits or that, or expertise or interests, you have to be interesting in that space. So like, you know, for, for you, I think that if I had literally just no interest whatsoever in the things that you do or are passionate about, that would probably be an odd friendship and vice versa, right? It would just be like, okay, nice enough guy, but like, I gotta become friends, I gotta start spending time together and hanging out.

• 40:49Speaker 02

  But if I, you know, like I imagine you talk to people who, who, you know, are huge fans of your work and have read every one of your books, but they don't, they're not coming up with questions to the, the ideas, the big ideas. If, if, uh, so for me, you know, if you're saying like, how did this start? Like, how do we begin? It's not about how we maintain relationships now. Um, uh, it's how like when you're, when you have, you know, a couple of friends, you're not in a particular field. You don't have cool, you know, the cool people around you can help you build and grow your life. Um, you know, I love that the word enthusiasm, the root is in fierce, it means with.

• 41:24Dr. Mark Hyman?

  Yeah.

• 41:25Speaker 02

  Right?

• 41:25Dr. Mark Hyman?

  Yeah.

• 41:26Speaker 02

  And if you can find your enthusiasm and you can learn in enthusiasm, then it's not work. And then you can become great at something and you can become knowledgeable at something and start collecting the questions that you have. And then ask your stupid questions to brilliant knowledgeable people when you get the opportunity. And it's fun for them. That's it. That's the whole ball game. Now you're a fun friend. Now you're interesting to talk to. And then you take that next step, which is like, you know, all, you can't take it personally. People are busy, but if I asked you, you know, five times to go and do something interesting, whether it's a, a small gathering with other people or go for a hike or do whatever, it's just again, like, uh, I, I guess I'll end with this to this particular, uh, question.

• 42:07Speaker 02

  Uh, there's a, there's a, we talk about it in the book. It's a guy named Michael Hebb. He's a dear friend of ours. He's like, you know, it's a artist around the table. He, he's the one who said that, you know, the table is the greatest, greatest piece of human technology ever created. And the first time I met him, yeah, and, and the first time I met him, he pulled through your chat and he was like, hey, man. You know, sometimes people say, uh, keep it real. There was a gap. Oh, yeah. Uh, he's like, do you keep it real? Yeah, bro. I keep it real. He's like, yeah, don't do that.

• 42:37Speaker 02

  What you need to do is keep it surreal and just do things a little bit beyond other people's imagination. Just a little bit of surprise. This is not like rocket science. We don't need you to paint a boss. Yeah. We just need you to make this one for us.

• 42:52Dr. Mark Hyman?

  Yeah. It's so great. You were sort of talking about really a key part of building friendships and relationships is.

• 43:01Dr. Mark Hyman?

  Being interested and curious. It reminded me of my mother who said to me not, what did you learn in school today, but what questions did you ask? And so I was always the annoying

• 43:12Speaker 02

  Your mom sounds brilliant.

• 43:14Dr. Mark Hyman?

  Who asked all sorts of questions. I was a kid in medical school who sat in the front row and when I leave, I understood everything and asked every question I had. And I knew that all the time because I want to learn, you know, I think, I think I read in your book, we have, we have two ears and one mouth and we should use them in that ratio.

• 43:34Dr. Mark Hyman?

  And I think that's exactly right. And that's how you build connection and community.

• 43:39Speaker 02

  I want to, before you move on, when you say that quote, two ears, one mouth, totally agree, but you also have to use your mouth. You can't just use your ears only, right? And I would imagine that there are people in that class of years who are like, man, Mark's annoying. Wish this guy would know. Yeah, I'm sure that, but, but I'm sure there were way, way, way more who were like, man, so appreciated that Mark asked that question. I wouldn't have asked for that question that I wouldn't have thought of. And so now everybody else has a fuller knowledge of this topic.

• 44:12Dr. Mark Hyman?

  If you love this pod. When it comes to supplements, you only want the best for your body, the kind with the highest quality, cleanest and most potent ingredients you can get. That's exactly what you'll find at my supplement store, where I've hand selected each and every product to meet the most rigorous standards for safety, purity and effectiveness. These are the only supplements I recommend to my patients and they're also what I use myself. Whether you want to optimize longevity or reduce your disease risk, or you're looking to improve your sleep, blood sugar, metabolism, gut health, you name it, drhyman.com has the world's best selection of top quality, premium supplements, all backed by science and expertly vetted by me, Dr. Mark Hyman. So check out drhyman.com because when it comes to your health, nothing less than the very best will do. That's drhyman.com, D R H Y M A N dot com.

• 44:56Dr. Mark Hyman?

  Podcast, please share it with someone else you think would also enjoy it. You can find me on all social media channels at Dr. Mark Hyman. Please reach out. I'd love to hear your comments and questions. Don't forget to rate, review, and subscribe to the Dr. Hyman Show wherever you get your podcasts. And don't forget to check out my YouTube channel at Dr. Mark Hyman for video versions of this podcast and more. Thank you so much again for tuning in. We'll see you next time on the Dr. Hyman Show. This podcast is separate from my clinical practice at the Ultra Wellness Center, my work at Cleveland Clinic, and Function Health, where I am Chief Medical Officer. This podcast represents my opinions and my guests' opinions. Neither myself nor the podcast endorses the views or statements of my guests. This podcast is for educational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional care by a doctor or other qualified medical professional.

• 45:40Dr. Mark Hyman?

  This podcast is provided with the understanding that it does not constitute medical or other professional advice or services. If you're looking for help in your journey, please seek out a qualified medical practitioner. And if you're looking for a functional medicine practitioner, visit my clinic, the Ultra Wellness Center at ultrawellnesscenter.com, and request to become a patient. It's important to have someone in your corner who is a trained, licensed healthcare practitioner and can help you make changes, especially when it comes to your health. This podcast is free as part of my mission to bring practical ways of improving health to the public. So I'd like to express gratitude to sponsors that made today's podcast possible. Thanks so much again for listening.