Best of Friday 2024

On this special episode, we revisit some of our favorite moments from Friday episodes in 2024. Nick goes topless and bounces off the wall, Steve gets sharked by a Great White, Rags discovers a dead body, Jane’s Instagram Live audience gets more than they bargained for, Tyler sleeps through a car crashing through the house, and Brittany confronts a shitty hotel thief. Follow Armchair Expert on the Wondery App or wherever you get your podcasts. Watch new content on YouTube or listen to Armchair Expert early and ad-free by joining Wondery+ in the Wondery App, Apple Podcasts, or Spotify. Start your free trial by visiting wondery.com/links/armchair-expert-with-dax-shepard/ http://www.wondery.com/links/armchair-expert-with-dax-shepard/ now. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Dax Shepard?

  Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous Best Of 2024.

• 0:06Speaker 01

  What a batch of stories you guys gave us this year.

• 0:09Dax Shepard?

  I gotta say of all the, our best ofs, I think Armchair Anonymous lends itself very best to this format, because it's just the banger story after another.

• 0:20Speaker 01

  This was really hard to narrow down. And again, like the other ones, there's just a million amazing stories this year. We can only pick a few.

• 0:28Dax Shepard?

  Yes. So enjoy the craziest moments from 2024. We get support from Quince.

• 0:35Speaker 01

  Okay. Can we talk about the fact that the holidays are already here? It's crazy. I feel like I blinked and now we're in gifting season, which I'm not really mad about because I do love giving gifts and Quince is making it so easy to find something great for everyone on my list, including myself, because let's be honest, self gifting is a love language.

• 0:54Dax Shepard?

  Quince is seriously the gift that keeps on giving. Their high quality staples are made with premium materials like 100% Mongolian cashmere, 14 karat gold and Italian leather. Full on luxury quality at prices that won't wreck your holiday budget.

• 1:10Speaker 01

  It's the dream. The cashmere sweater is starting at $60, down jackets, wool outerwear, cashmere accessories. You and everyone on your list are staying cozy and looking incredible all season long.

• 1:21Dax Shepard?

  Well, I'm gonna tell you this, it just got chilly for the first time this year in California and I'm so excited and I'm wearing my Quince cashmere right now.

• 1:28Speaker 01

  It's great.

• 1:29Dax Shepard?

  Yeah. And I am going to gift this to some of my friends. I hope they're not listening.

• 1:33Speaker 01

  Quince is also more than clothing. They've got fine jewelry for your significant other, leather bags for your bestie, hotel quality bedding to set up your guest rooms, chef grade cookware. That's an amazing thing they offer here and it's such a good gift because people don't like buying cookware for themselves, but it's very important. And they also have five star luggage, another good gift that people don't like buying for themselves.

• 1:56Dax Shepard?

  Give the gift of quality this holiday season. Download the Quince app for app exclusive offers or go to quince.com. Get free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. Now available in Canada and the UK too. And when Quince asks where you heard about them, let them know it was Armchair Expert. It's the best way to support the show.

• 2:34Dax Shepard?

  From 682 Crazy Gym Stories.

• 2:38Speaker 01

  Hello.

• 2:38Speaker 02

  Hi, how are you?

• 2:39Dax Shepard?

  Is this Nick?

• 2:40Speaker 02

  This is, yes.

• 2:41Dax Shepard?

  I love that we're in your bedroom or a guest bedroom. Just, I like that we're in a bedroom or rarely in a bedroom with anyone.

• 2:47Speaker 02

  It's funny, about five minutes ago, I was in my daughter's bedroom, which is a little smaller and probably better for the sound. And our neighbor across the street is doing a construction project and just whipped up their, like, drywall mixer.

• 2:59Dax Shepard?

  Do you live across the street from me?

• 3:03Speaker 02

  In the last five minutes, I've been frantic.

• 3:05Speaker 01

  Oh, no.

• 3:06Speaker 02

  I brought blankets in and comfy pillows.

• 3:09Dax Shepard?

  No, you're in an ideal room already. There's a lot of soft fabrics around you. You don't want to be close to walls, shocking. That's the echo chamber. So you're golden. You're wearing a soft sweatshirt, a hoodie, that's gonna help. You have a little bit of stubble that's gonna break up the sound waves.

• 3:22Speaker 02

  Right.

• 3:24Dax Shepard?

  Where are you at, Nick?

• 3:25Speaker 02

  Sonoma County, California.

• 3:27Dax Shepard?

  Oh, okay. Are you in any tangential way associated with the wine industry?

• 3:31Speaker 02

  I have been. I was working in the wine industry for almost 20 years.

• 3:35Dax Shepard?

  Oh, look at that. Were you a sales rep? Were you a vintner? What were you?

• 3:40Speaker 02

  I worked in marketing, social media.

• 3:42Dax Shepard?

  And are you ever over at Sonoma Raceway?

• 3:44Speaker 02

  I'm not. I had a feeling you'd ask me about that.

• 3:46Dax Shepard?

  That's the site of my huge crash that caused all the surgeries. So what are you doing now?

• 3:51Speaker 02

  So now I work at our regional food bank called the Rodwood Empire Food Bank. And I do grant writing and corporate partnerships.

• 3:58Dax Shepard?

  Busy time of year?

• 3:59Speaker 02

  Yeah, we do half of our fundraising between Thanksgiving and New Year's.

• 4:03Dax Shepard?

  Wow. Well, thanks for taking the time to tell us your crazy gym story. I'm sure you're busy.

• 4:06Speaker 01

  Yeah, we're excited.

• 4:07Dax Shepard?

  Hit us. Where does this take place? Are we in Sonoma? Does Sonoma have gyms?

• 4:11Speaker 02

  We do. This takes place in a little town called Windsor, just north of Santa Rosa.

• 4:15Dax Shepard?

  That's the home of Charles Schultz.

• 4:17Speaker 02

  That's right. Yeah, Charles Schultz Museum, home of peanuts.

• 4:20Dax Shepard?

  And they had a nice pageant for a while, but that's been gotten rid of. You're so.

• 4:27Dax Shepard?

  Sorry, Nick.

• 4:30Speaker 01

  I just, I just wanna hear it.

• 4:32Dax Shepard?

  I know, but I wanna get a rhythm going, Nick.

• 4:34Speaker 01

  I know.

• 4:35Dax Shepard?

  This is foreplay. I wanna, I wanna join.

• 4:37Speaker 01

  He loves foreplay so much.

• 4:39Dax Shepard?

  Okay, whatever. Do they do ice skating there anymore?

• 4:43Speaker 02

  They do. They have an ice skating rink.

• 4:45Dax Shepard?

  Okay. Charlie Brown, important person.

• 4:47Speaker 01

  I do.

• 4:47Dax Shepard?

  Vince Guaraldi, the holidays.

• 4:48Speaker 01

  'Tis the season.

• 4:49Dax Shepard?

  'Tis the season. Okay, sorry.

• 4:52Speaker 02

  It's January 2000. I'm 18 years old. In between my semesters at my freshman year of college, I was going to the junior college here in town. Most of my friends had already left to go back to their schools. Some post-holiday blues, post-Y2K excitement.

• 5:07Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah.

• 5:09Dax Shepard?

  New Year's resolution?

• 5:10Speaker 02

  What was that?

• 5:11Dax Shepard?

  New Year's resolution?

• 5:12Speaker 02

  Oh, was going to the gym?

• 5:13Dax Shepard?

  This is relevant to the gym.

• 5:14Speaker 01

  I'm just laughing.

• 5:16Dax Shepard?

  I hate Monica. Do you need a co-host? Do you need a new co-host, Nick?

• 5:20Speaker 01

  I have a veil. Okay, go on.

• 5:21Speaker 02

  So I was just kind of moping around the house, and my sister lived at home. She was a little bit older than me, and she loved going to the gym. So she dragged me to the gym one day. Put on, you know, new pair of warm-up pants that I had, a big hooded sweatshirt. Exactly what I thought someone who would go to the gym would wear, you know, but not at all. It's not a very big gym. It was the first time I'd ever been to a public gym. They kind of had the check area and the machines kind of in the front. And then tucked in the back were a few treadmills and all the free weights. So we went in, hopped up on a couple of the treadmills to do a little warm-up. We were jogging for a few minutes, and my sister, she hopped off and went to go do like her routine, whatever she was gonna do, and I decided to stay on the treadmill.

• 6:05Speaker 02

  I did a little running in high school, so started building my confidence a little bit, putting up the speed, trying to get familiar with, you know, being on a treadmill. You know, probably five minutes go by, and I'm going pretty fast and feeling good. Of course, I've got lined sweatpants on and a big hooded sweatshirt, so I'm getting hot. I'm way overdressed. Decided I need to take my sweatshirt off. The thought does not even cross my mind to like, stop the treadmill, take my sweatshirt off and start up again. I'm gonna just go ahead and try and take my sweatshirt off while I'm on the trip.

• 6:33Dax Shepard?

  Absolutely. I can see myself making the same call.

• 6:36Speaker 01

  Well, yeah, you can't stop.

• 6:37Speaker 02

  Yeah, you know that move in the car where you're driving and you need to take a sweatshirt off or something and you can kind of do it real quick?

• 6:43Dax Shepard?

  Well, can I tell you, Nick, the first thing I thought of when you painted this picture was how many times I've taken a hoodie off in the car and then miscalculated and realized like, I don't have either arm now and I'm driving with my knee.

• 6:54Speaker 02

  And that's exactly what happened here. I got one arm out.

• 6:58Dax Shepard?

  Hold on, Nick, and sorry, Monica. Are there any girls around? Have you locked eyes with anyone and had anything in your mind going like, oh, I see you and you see me?

• 7:07Speaker 02

  No, if anything, I wanted to be anonymous. I was a pretty shy kid. Luckily, it wasn't very busy, so I was kind of off on my own. You know, got one arm out of the sweatshirt, pulled the sweatshirt over my head, and that was when I lost sight for the first time.

• 7:20Dax Shepard?

  Oh.

• 7:22Speaker 02

  And immediately stopped feet. I fly off the back of the truck.

• 7:25Speaker 01

  Oh, no.

• 7:27Speaker 02

  And I wish it would have ended there and that would have been fine. I probably would have been okay. But the way this gym was set up was that, you know, it was 2000, it was pre flat screen TVs. So the TVs were hanging on the ceiling and they were the big tube TVs and they were down the middle of the gym. So the treadmills were turned to face the middle of the gym, backed against a wall.

• 7:46Speaker 01

  Oh, no.

• 7:49Dax Shepard?

  Okay, okay, okay.

• 7:51Speaker 02

  Bounced off the wall, landed back in the treadmill.

• 7:56Speaker 02

  Back on the wall.

• 7:57Speaker 01

  Wait, what? No, no, no, no.

• 8:00Speaker 02

  So I'm basically like in a dryer in a tumble cycle is kind of what it's something like.

• 8:07Dax Shepard?

  Are you still blinded by the sweatshirt?

• 8:09Speaker 02

  Completely blinded. Sweatshirt completely halfway over my head. Can't see anything. I'm just kind of. Bouncing back and forth between the treadmill and the wall over and over again.

• 8:18Speaker 01

  This is like an America's Funniest Home Video.

• 8:21Dax Shepard?

  Or even a Simpsons cartoon, like Homer Simpson on a treadmill.

• 8:24Speaker 02

  Yes. So, you know, eventually I hear my sister screaming, not really helping, but she's screaming from the other side of the room, you know, somebody help. All this is happening so fast. It was probably only 30 seconds, but it feels like 10 minutes that I'm just bouncing back and forth between treadmill and wall.

• 8:41Speaker 02

  Eventually, somebody came and stopped the treadmill. I took inventory outside of my torn warm-up pants.

• 8:49Speaker 01

  Oh, no, this is so sad.

• 8:51Dax Shepard?

  Your warm-up pants tore?

• 8:52Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah. Total rug burn.

• 8:54Dax Shepard?

  Oh.

• 8:54Speaker 01

  Oh, my God.

• 8:57Dax Shepard?

  You're lucky they stayed on. You could have been in your skivvies. I imagine also people helping pull the hoodie off of you.

• 9:04Speaker 02

  Yeah. I mean, I feel fortunate that it wasn't too busy. There wasn't that many people there. I pretty much left immediately after that. I was like, I'll wait in the car while you finish your workout. I'm not hanging out anymore. I'm done with the workout.

• 9:15Dax Shepard?

  I'm never, ever gonna exercise again.

• 9:17Speaker 02

  I have a feeling that people who work there probably had that on security footage and probably got a real charge of it.

• 9:21Speaker 01

  Oh, they probably watched that over and over and over again.

• 9:24Dax Shepard?

  It was shown to many, many people.

• 9:26Speaker 01

  Did they have at that time on the treadmills, the pole? You know, now they have that pole.

• 9:31Speaker 02

  Probably.

• 9:32Speaker 01

  But you couldn't see.

• 9:32Dax Shepard?

  But no one ever hooks themselves.

• 9:34Speaker 01

  Oh, because, yeah, you're supposed to wear it.

• 9:36Dax Shepard?

  But nobody does. No one's ever gonna wear that thing. And this is why you're supposed to wear. What was the extent of the injuries? When you got in the car and the adrenaline subsided, did you start feeling like, oh, I got my ass kicked by that thing?

• 9:48Speaker 02

  I was pretty sore the next day. Burnt up knees a little bit, but more bruised ego than anything.

• 9:53Speaker 01

  Oh, my God.

• 9:55Dax Shepard?

  It's like falling onto a belt sander.

• 9:57Speaker 01

  If I was your sister from across the room, like...

• 10:02Dax Shepard?

  Help! Call 911!

• 10:04Speaker 02

  I called her last night to kind of corroborate the story. And she was like, what I remember is I was working out and all of a sudden I hear this big thud. And then I turn around and I see her arms flailing around on the treadmill.

• 10:16Dax Shepard?

  Oh my gosh.

• 10:17Speaker 01

  I really want to see this like ping pong person.

• 10:22Dax Shepard?

  I wonder if you maybe it was rolling too. There could have been some.

• 10:25Speaker 02

  Right. Oh, yeah.

• 10:27Dax Shepard?

  Wow, Nick. I'm glad you survived that.

• 10:30Speaker 02

  Luckily, nobody got too hurt.

• 10:32Speaker 01

  Well, that was fun.

• 10:33Dax Shepard?

  What a great story. I'm sorry that happened to you. You really went through the spin cycle, as you said.

• 10:38Speaker 02

  I really did.

• 10:38Dax Shepard?

  Did you revisit exercise?

• 10:40Speaker 02

  I have stayed outside for my running for a while, not jump on a treadmill for many years.

• 10:45Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, at least when you fall down there, you stay put.

• 10:47Speaker 01

  Exactly. Unless there's an earthquake.

• 10:50Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, or you fall in a ravine and then you, yeah.

• 10:53Speaker 02

  I wouldn't say I'm the most graceful person either. So I've been known to trip just on the sidewalk.

• 10:59Dax Shepard?

  You're terribly cute, though. I think it works perfectly with what you're presenting.

• 11:03Speaker 02

  Thank you.

• 11:04Speaker 01

  Yeah, you have kind of a Steve Carell.

• 11:06Dax Shepard?

  He's got a sweetness.

• 11:07Speaker 01

  Yeah, and a Steve Carell.

• 11:08Dax Shepard?

  A Steve Carell-ness.

• 11:09Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 11:10Dax Shepard?

  Who do people tell you you look like?

• 11:12Speaker 02

  Munchies. You ever heard of those guys?

• 11:14Dax Shepard?

  Munchies, munchies. They're so soft and cuddly. Munchies.

• 11:19Speaker 01

  You know, we used to call Delta munchies.

• 11:21Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, we did. I think she had a munchie.

• 11:23Speaker 01

  She did. She had a little one.

• 11:24Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 11:25Speaker 02

  I don't get a lot of prompts to celebrities that I can think of.

• 11:28Speaker 01

  Tell people Steve Carell.

• 11:30Dax Shepard?

  You just start telling people you know who I look like.

• 11:35Speaker 02

  I do need to give a quick shout out to my daughter, Grace, and my son, Sam. I let them listen to a very choice few of these.

• 11:42Dax Shepard?

  Did they like the story of the man decomposing at brunch in Canada?

• 11:48Speaker 02

  We haven't heard that one.

• 11:50Speaker 02

  I think they're a little older for that.

• 11:51Dax Shepard?

  You should use that as punishment. If one of them fucks up, you're like, you get in that room and you listen to that nine minutes. And you listen to it over and over again.

• 12:00Speaker 02

  I'll bookmark that one for later.

• 12:02Dax Shepard?

  Okay, well, give our love to your babies.

• 12:04Speaker 01

  Yes, thanks for sharing.

• 12:05Speaker 02

  Thanks, guys.

• 12:06Dax Shepard?

  Take care.

• 12:09Dax Shepard?

  From 759, near-death experiences.

• 12:17Speaker 01

  Rob, our burritos are ready.

• 12:19Dax Shepard?

  Let Steve in and I'll go grab them.

• 12:21Speaker 03

  Hello.

• 12:22Dax Shepard?

  Hi, Steve. Can you hear us?

• 12:24Speaker 03

  Yes, I can. You can hear me, eh?

• 12:25Dax Shepard?

  Yeah. Oh, you're Canadian?

• 12:27Speaker 03

  No, good guess.

• 12:28Dax Shepard?

  Oh, okay. You threw an A in there, didn't you? Did I hear an A?

• 12:31Speaker 03

  You did. Can't tell you why.

• 12:33Dax Shepard?

  Are you married to a Canadian?

• 12:34Speaker 03

  I'm not.

• 12:35Speaker 01

  Sometimes people just say it.

• 12:36Dax Shepard?

  Okay. Where are you from?

• 12:38Speaker 03

  St. Louis, Missouri.

• 12:39Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, that's pretty far from Canada.

• 12:40Speaker 03

  Now, of course, I live in Monterey, California.

• 12:43Dax Shepard?

  Oh, you do? That's an enviable location.

• 12:46Speaker 03

  Yes, it is. Garden spot of the world. Spectacular.

• 12:48Dax Shepard?

  Okay, Steve, you have a near-death experience and you've made it because we're talking to you.

• 12:53Speaker 01

  Yeah, that's the good news about these stories. We do know everyone's made it.

• 12:57Dax Shepard?

  Unless we talk to a medium, we talk to someone beyond the grave. Set the scene for us. What year is this? Where is it at?

• 13:03Speaker 03

  This was end of June in 2022.

• 13:06Dax Shepard?

  Oh, recent.

• 13:07Speaker 03

  It was at the southern end of the Monterey Bay. It was a sunny, clear, beautiful day, no wind, no waves, no chop. So I thought I'll go for an ocean swim. I swim in the ocean for a dozen years and I had retired a year and a half earlier. And that year and a half of retirement, I had organized my life around outdoor group activities. I was running with the Wednesday Night Laundry Runners and I was riding with the Velo Club and I was swimming with the kelp crawlers. Well, this incredibly gorgeous day, I had to swim. I went to the beach and unfortunately, nobody else was there. You'd usually get half a dozen people on a Wednesday morning, but this time I was the only one there.

• 13:45Dax Shepard?

  Oh.

• 13:45Speaker 03

  So I got on my wet suit and my hat and booties. It's very cold. The water's 55 degrees. Got in the water and the beach is about 100 yards wide. And as I started to swim out from the beach, there's a jetty on the left, sticks out about 75 yards. And I went out around that jetty and I went to the left and hugged the coast around Lover's Point. Now, before you get too many ideas about Lover's Point, its full name is Lovers of Jesus Point.

• 14:09Speaker 01

  Oh, wow.

• 14:10Speaker 03

  Not everybody knows.

• 14:11Dax Shepard?

  Wow.

• 14:12Speaker 01

  Not as romantic as I thought.

• 14:14Dax Shepard?

  I just don't associate that with seafarers. That's an interesting mashup.

• 14:18Speaker 03

  I went about three quarters of a mile, hugged the coast the whole way, and then I turned around, came swimming back. No waves, no chop, and it's You see all the kelp and the fish and all the sea grasses flowing back and forth and the sea stars. It's just gorgeous.

• 14:31Dax Shepard?

  Do you see seals out there ever?

• 14:33Speaker 03

  You do. Seals sometimes like to swim under you, which can be a little disconcerting. You're swimming along and there's this gray shape that all of a sudden appears under you.

• 14:41Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, because don't they hunt within the sea kelp?

• 14:44Speaker 03

  They absolutely do. And I came back around the point and I'm heading towards the jetty. When all of a sudden, wham, just out of nowhere, I just got tossed up in the air and turned and I didn't know what was going on. And then I was plunged back into the water. I look and I am arms length from the enormous head of a great white shark.

• 15:04Speaker 01

  No.

• 15:04Dax Shepard?

  Oh, no.

• 15:07Speaker 01

  No.

• 15:07Dax Shepard?

  No.

• 15:09Speaker 03

  The water there is about 20 feet deep and the shark came from below and grabbed me and fully breached up into the air. You've seen photos of a great white with a seal in its mouth?

• 15:19Dax Shepard?

  Yes.

• 15:19Speaker 03

  That it breaches out of the water? That was me.

• 15:21Dax Shepard?

  No.

• 15:23Speaker 01

  My god.

• 15:24Speaker 03

  I didn't know all that at the time. There were people on the beach who saw it, so some of this is reconstructed later. But pull it back down under the water and then it spit me out.

• 15:33Dax Shepard?

  What? Do you think it's in a wet suit?

• 15:35Speaker 03

  Turns out great whites will oftentimes bite the prey and then back off and let it bleed to death.

• 15:41Speaker 01

  Oh my.

• 15:42Speaker 03

  You can imagine they eat seals and sea lions and elephant seals. These things have teeth and they have claws and they can fight back. So oftentimes they'll let the thing bleed. All I know for sure, I was underwater, maybe, I don't know, five feet, I'm guessing. I could see light, so I knew which way was up. Fortunately, I had air in my lungs, probably because it lifted me into the air and I got a good breath. I don't know. And then it was right there, arms length away from me, the left side of its head. And I can't tell you how enormous this thing is. I'm looking at that black eye and you can see this white and gray body and its teeth from its lower jaw sticking up. I can see it's bobbing its head back and forth as if it was deciding whether to bite me again or not.

• 16:23Dax Shepard?

  Really quick, did you immediately recognize it as a great white? Or was it taking you a minute like, is that a whale? Is that a this? Or do you immediately know what it was?

• 16:33Speaker 03

  I instantly knew I'm a docent at the Monterey Bay Aquarium. I show people hammerheads and seven gill sharks and all these things. I knew it was a great white.

• 16:43Dax Shepard?

  Your mind goes very quickly at that moment. Do you get to the point where you surrender? You're like, I'm gonna die. This is it.

• 16:50Speaker 03

  No, I was calm. I knew I was very badly hurt. I didn't know exactly where it had bit me yet, but looking at it, I was thinking, hey, I taste of neoprene. I'm wearing a white hat and goggles. I'm not a seal. I am not your food. Please don't bite me again. And at that point, I thought, I'm gonna punch it.

• 17:07Dax Shepard?

  Ah, yeah, yeah.

• 17:08Speaker 03

  My fist didn't quite reach its lower jaw, but when I stuck out my fingers, I jabbed and hit its lower jaw.

• 17:14Dax Shepard?

  Tell me this now, you work at the aquarium. I had always heard you wanna hit them on the nose. You went lower jaw.

• 17:20Speaker 03

  That's what I could reach.

• 17:21Dax Shepard?

  If you had had your druthers, is the nose the right thing?

• 17:24Speaker 03

  I don't know.

• 17:24Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 17:26Speaker 03

  There's some, some, there's some notion that that's the right thing to do.

• 17:30Dax Shepard?

  Well, there's these weird videos where they come up on the side of the boat and they rub their nose in a weird way. And have you seen this? It puts them in a like suspended state for like 20 seconds. They'll float back down and then they kind of come to something with their nose. There's so much stuff packed in the end of that nose. Anyways, you hit it in the jaw with your fingers.

• 17:46Speaker 03

  I tried to kick at it, although my injuries were such that probably I couldn't. I don't know. I think I kicked at it and then it was just gone. I don't remember it swimming away, but I got myself up to the surface. There was a security camera in the distance that captured this whole thing.

• 18:02Dax Shepard?

  No way.

• 18:03Speaker 03

  It captured the shark breaching and then 12 seconds later I come up and start yelling. When I got to the surface, I knew I was badly hurt. I didn't know how bad and I sort of leaned back to try to get my legs up. I thought, don't let your legs hang down. It'll just bite you again. As I lifted my knees up, I could see my left leg where there should have been wet suit or skin. It was just nothing but hamburger red.

• 18:26Speaker 01

  Oh my God.

• 18:27Speaker 03

  And the water was red and I knew I was in horrible trouble. I just swam a mile and a half. There was absolutely no way I could swim the remaining hundred and fifty yards to the beach. All I could do was yell for help and hope that there are brave, kind, skilled strangers that can hear me and are willing to come out and risk their lives. And that's what happened. I was really unlucky to be bitten by the shark and then some things happened that are just hard to believe. I'm yelling, "Help, help!" just as loud as I can. You can actually hear it on that security camera. I could hear the emotion in my voice. I was not in terrible pain, but I knew I'm not gonna make it. I was yelling for help and I couldn't see anybody coming. There was so much blood.

• 19:07Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 19:08Speaker 03

  I thought, "I don't want to die like this." That was awful.

• 19:11Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 19:13Speaker 03

  Finally, I looked to the right and saw a paddleboarder. And I yelled some more and I looked again and he was coming right at me and closer. I thought, "Okay, I've got a chance." It turns out that there was a couple on an anniversary trip. They lived three hours away in Sacramento, Amy and Paul. They'd gone paddleboarding and they heard me and they started coming my way. They were a couple hundred yards away. He is a police officer, a first responder.

• 19:37Dax Shepard?

  No.

• 19:37Speaker 03

  She is a nurse, a healthcare professional.

• 19:40Dax Shepard?

  Impossible luck on top of impossible terrible luck.

• 19:43Speaker 03

  That's exactly right. And they knew it was a shark. They could tell from the way I was yelling. There was something was way wrong. They were mentally preparing. Paul was thinking, "If it is a shark, I'm gonna take the paddle and put it down his throat." He's a first responder. He does this for a living. He said, "No question I was coming to save." And then, is if that wasn't enough, from the beach, there was a group of schoolkids from Kansas who were out here for a weekend. It's called Blue Theology. They were here to learn about the ocean and how to take care of it. And there was a guy teaching them ocean appreciation. This guy is a surfer, a former lifeguard, a surf rescue guy.

• 20:17Dax Shepard?

  Whoa.

• 20:17Speaker 03

  And one of the dads of the Kansas kids saw the shark and yelled to Heath, "Hey Heath, there's a guy out there. He needs you." So Heath, the surf rescue guy, he grabbed two surfboards, stacked one on top of the other and paddled out to me.

• 20:30Speaker 01

  Oh my god.

• 20:31Dax Shepard?

  Jeez Louise.

• 20:32Speaker 03

  Can you imagine? A healthcare professional, a first responder and a surf safety guy were the three people who heard me. And they all came rushing to me.

• 20:39Dax Shepard?

  And did they get you on top of one of these surfboards? That must have been very hard.

• 20:43Speaker 03

  Paul, the police officer, got to me first and tried to get me on the board. I don't remember this. I was in and out of consciousness. He could not get me on his board. Then Keith put the second surfboard in the water for me. They tried to get me on that board. It didn't work. And finally, they said, look, you're gonna have to help. And I remember I reached up with my arm and I helped pull myself up onto the board. The injury was the shark's mouth bit me across my thighs and back across my lower abdomen. Of course, it's a U-shaped bite. So it got me from the right side. There's a big gouge just above my right knee and then across my left thigh. And then there are teeth marks along my left hip and then a big scar across my belly.

• 21:25Speaker 03

  It looks like a C-section scar now, but at the time it was filleted open. My belly was just wide open.

• 21:32Dax Shepard?

  It's like you've got 14 huge punctures is what you have, right? I mean, that's how it does it?

• 21:38Speaker 03

  The bottom teeth puncture and hold. So across my backside are just a bunch of puncture marks, but the top teeth cut. So it's just all ripped.

• 21:52Speaker 03

  They did get me onto the surfboard and I was lying face down on the surfboard. And Keith was yelling, grab my heel. So with my left arm, I grabbed his heel. He was lying face down on his board and he starts paddling and pulling me in. Amy, the nurse, realized that I was gonna fall off the board. My legs didn't work. My belly didn't work. I was unconscious and she left the relative safety of her paddleboard and jumped into the water. Got half on the back of the board, holding my legs on the board. And the other half of her is in the water, blood pouring off of me. And she held my legs on the board and kicked while Keith was paddling to get me to the shore. Meanwhile, Paul, ever prepared, the police officer, he had his phone with him. He pulled out his phone and called 911.

• 22:45Dax Shepard?

  This episode is brought to you by McDonald's. The Quarter Pounder with Cheese with Medium Fries and a Drink is now $8.

• 22:54Speaker 01

  What?

• 22:55Dax Shepard?

  Okay, I need to talk about something that doesn't get enough respect. The Quarter Pounder with Cheese. This is not a casual burger. This is a crafted burger. We're talking 100% fresh beef cooked right when you order it. No artificial flavors, no fillers, no preservatives, just beef doing what beef is supposed to do. And here's a detail I love. There's a cowbell sound in the kitchen. When somebody orders a Quarter Pounder with Cheese, a cowbell goes off and the grill master throws a fresh patty down. That's like having your own entrance music at McDonald's. I want a cowbell for everything in life. The onions are hand topped by someone who just knows the right amount. Two slices of cheese laid out in a star pattern, so every single bite gets cheese. And two pickles side by side, so you're never in a pickle desert.

• 23:40Dax Shepard?

  Every bite is accounted for. Someone engineered this thing with love. I love a Quarter Pounder.

• 23:45Speaker 01

  Me too. That's my order. It's a Quarter Pounder with cheese. I love it. I didn't know they put so much effort that they did a star formation. I should have known because you can taste it when there's effort.

• 23:58Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, the love. Don't tell anyone this, but I'll put two of them back.

• 24:01Speaker 01

  Yeah, I'm not surprised.

• 24:03Dax Shepard?

  The Quarter Pounder with Cheese with Fries and a Drink, now $8 for a limited time only. Only at McDonald's. For a limited time only, prices and participation may vary. Prices may be higher in Hawaii, Alaska, and California, and for delivery. Fresh beef not available in Alaska and Hawaii. Offer not valid for delivery. We get support from Gusto. So here's the thing about running a small business that nobody romanticizes. It's not the big idea that wears you down. It's the payroll, the tax filings, the wait, do I need workers comp for this stuff? That's the part that quietly eats away your whole afternoon, which is where Gusto comes in. Gusto is online payroll and benefit software built for small businesses.

• 24:44Dax Shepard?

  It's all in one, remote friendly, and incredibly easy to use so you can pay onboard and support your team from anywhere. They handle automatic tax filing, direct deposits, health benefits, 401k, all of it. And you get unlimited payroll runs for one monthly price. No hidden fees, no surprises. If something tricky comes up, you've got direct access to certified HR experts who actually know what they're talking about. And they're ranked number one on G2's highest satisfaction products list for 2026, entrusted by over 500,000 small businesses. That's not nothing. Try Gusto today at gusto.com/dax and get three months free when you run your first payroll. That's three months of free payroll at gusto.com/dax.

• 25:29Dax Shepard?

  Again, that's gusto.com/dax. We get support from NoBull. The holidays can get hectic. You finally hit a post-summer routine and suddenly you're on hosting duty every week.

• 25:42Speaker 01

  That's when you really need to ground yourself.

• 25:45Dax Shepard?

  Exactly. And that's why I keep my training routine through the holidays. It's the whole NoBull idea. There's a no bullshit training brand built around consistency, honesty, and just putting in the work. It's not about adding more pressure to an already packed schedule. It's about having the gear and the habits to move through the season your way. My personal favorite, all three of the shoes are fantastic. The Outwork, the Outwork Flex, and the Drive 2. I like the Drive 2 because it's a hybrid. And I lift, of course, but I also like to do what's called box jumps. Right? I do a lot of jumping onto a little platform and I want a little more flexibility. And boy, do they deliver.

• 26:22Speaker 01

  And if you're a cardio person and you're running and you also need to be lifting.

• 26:26Dax Shepard?

  And the style is banging. I don't know what to say. Beautiful style, very breathable, very, very comfortable, lots of support. They were built for lifting.

• 26:34Speaker 01

  They also make a great holiday gift. You know, I love gifting. A purposeful one that actually supports someone's goals and routines. And it's not a gift that just ends up in the back of a closet.

• 26:43Dax Shepard?

  Stay stronger than the season. Head to nobullproject.com all holiday season to shop new deals every week. This episode is supported by Helix.

• 26:54Speaker 01

  Okay, can we talk about how November is basically survival mode? Between the holidays, the travel, the hosting, the cooking, the everything. Sleep is the one thing keeping me from completely unraveling.

• 27:05Dax Shepard?

  It really is the foundation. And I think people underestimate how much a bad mattress is quietly ruining their day. You wake up stiff, your back's angry, you're already behind before your feet hit the floor.

• 27:16Speaker 01

  That was me before Helix. I took their sleep quiz, which is so fast. It took me like two minutes and they matched me to a mattress that actually fits how I sleep. Not a guess, not a firm or soft coin flip. It's a real match. I have a midnight mattress and I really like it. I was noticing it because I actually had to sleep in one of my other beds.

• 27:33Dax Shepard?

  Okay.

• 27:34Speaker 01

  Recently.

• 27:34Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 27:35Speaker 01

  That doesn't have a Helix mattress on it. And I really could tell a big difference in my sleep.

• 27:39Dax Shepard?

  Temperature was all over the map.

• 27:40Speaker 01

  It was a mess.

• 27:41Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 27:41Speaker 01

  I need a new one.

• 27:42Dax Shepard?

  Look, they've got over 20 mattress models. So whether you sleep hot, need extra back support, or you've got a partner who moves around all night, there's one built for you. Plus free shipping and a 365 night happy with Helix guarantee. That's a full year to decide.

• 27:56Speaker 01

  Helix has been named the most awarded mattress by Forbes, Wired and more. So it's not just us being enthusiastic, the experts agree.

• 28:03Dax Shepard?

  Right now, Helix is running their Black Friday sale with up to 30% off. Go to helixsleep.com/armchair for up to 30% off your Helix mattress. That's helixsleep.com/armchair for up to 30% off your Helix mattress. Helixsleep.com/armchair.

• 28:27Dax Shepard?

  So is there an ambulance waiting when they get you to shore?

• 28:30Speaker 03

  From the time I started yelling until the time you can see the ambulance on the street, three minutes.

• 28:37Speaker 01

  Wow.

• 28:38Dax Shepard?

  Whoa, that feels impossible.

• 28:41Speaker 01

  Wow.

• 28:41Speaker 03

  The city really prioritizes public health. And so they have an ambulance stationed in the middle of the town. Happens to be six blocks from where I was.

• 28:49Speaker 01

  Whew.

• 28:50Speaker 03

  There's a hospital five miles away, but the taxpayers pay to keep the ambulance close. So I gotta thank everybody. But there's another step in between that's equally amazing. They got me to the beach and of course I'm bleeding. My left arm is all ripped up, both thighs and my abdomen. I need tourniquets on the beach vacationing independently. We're two ICU nurses and a doctor.

• 29:14Speaker 01

  Oh my.

• 29:15Speaker 03

  Doctor from Detroit, ICU nurse from Kansas, ICU nurse from North Carolina.

• 29:19Speaker 01

  What?

• 29:20Dax Shepard?

  Well, I do have to put a little bit of a socioeconomic spin on this. Good place to get injured in Monterey, where professionals go on their vacation.

• 29:27Speaker 01

  Yeah, true.

• 29:28Dax Shepard?

  This happens at, uh, Where's Beach or Daytona.

• 29:32Speaker 01

  Panama City.

• 29:32Dax Shepard?

  You might not have the same staff on hand.

• 29:35Speaker 03

  Pretty good point.

• 29:36Speaker 01

  Wow, wow.

• 29:38Dax Shepard?

  So everyone just starts tourniqueting you up?

• 29:41Speaker 03

  It's exactly right. Noelle, we've chatted with her, one of the ICU nurses, she got halfway in the water and sort of accepted the surfboard. There were six or eight people around me as they rolled me over and she saw my leg and she thought, well, he's gonna lose the leg. She looked at my face and saw that I was in my 60s and my face, she said, was gray. She thought I would not make it.

• 30:02Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 30:04Speaker 03

  And she thought, even if you do make it, you're gonna be badly brain damaged from lack of blood to the brain. And then she saw my wedding ring and she thought, oh, how terrible for the spouse.

• 30:13Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 30:15Speaker 03

  Then they got me into the ambulance and drove the 28 miles to Nativida Trauma Center. I was on the operating room table with the surgeons, ready to go, scalpels in hand, 59 minutes after the shark bite.

• 30:30Speaker 01

  Wow, wow.

• 30:32Dax Shepard?

  It's kinda crazy you lived that long. I mean, I just have, you must have lost so much blood. They start pumping blood into you immediately?

• 30:39Speaker 03

  I'm not sure. I do know the anesthesiologist, the day after the surgery, he stopped by my room and he said, when I heard that the incoming trauma victim was a 62-year-old shark bite victim with massive blood loss, he said, I didn't have a lot of hope for you, but your heart and lungs responded like you were in your 20s and that's why you survived. I had been doing all this outdoor group exercise.

• 31:01Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 31:02Speaker 03

  That really helped. Of course, if I hadn't been exercising, I wouldn't have been out there swimming.

• 31:06Dax Shepard?

  It's six, half dozen. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How long was the recovery from that?

• 31:11Speaker 03

  I was in the hospital for three weeks. I was in the ICU for only one day because the wounds, although they were really bad, they were quite repairable. The surgery took about two hours. They had to just stop the bleeding in my legs. They looked all Through my belly and amazingly it did not break through this sheath called the peritoneum that separates all the muscle and fat and whatnot from the internal organs. So no internal organ damage. There was a chip off of my left femur, but no broken bones. And amazingly, it missed the big arteries to the leg. According to the surgeon, the big artery that runs down the front of your body into the leg, the iliac artery, he said it missed the artery by a

• 31:54Speaker 03

  millimeter. Like a twentieth of an inch. It's amazing. The iliac, this artery is literally touching the big nerve that goes down into the leg that you use for your quads. That nerve was completely destroyed, unusable. My right quads don't work, but the blood vessel that's touching it untouched. And the surgeon said, look, if it had been a millimeter over, you would have bled to death before you got to the beach.

• 32:19Dax Shepard?

  Right, yeah.

• 32:20Speaker 01

  Oh, my God.

• 32:22Speaker 03

  The surgeon, who's been a trauma emergency room surgeon for a dozen years, said, I'm the luckiest patient he's ever seen.

• 32:29Dax Shepard?

  Fuck. And would you ever swim in the ocean again?

• 32:32Speaker 03

  No.

• 32:33Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, good. I'm so glad to hear you say that. I think a lot of you folks would be like, nope, still love it. I respect the shark. I'm back in.

• 32:42Speaker 01

  I'm proud of you. I'm glad you're staying away.

• 32:46Dax Shepard?

  There's other places to swim.

• 32:47Speaker 01

  Don't test fate again.

• 32:48Speaker 03

  Yeah, I swim at the swimming pool at the community college.

• 32:50Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, there we go. Whoa, Steve. We've only heard one story comparable to that. We talked to a guy attacked by a grizzly bear once, and it's kind of on that level.

• 33:00Speaker 03

  Let me give you a sense of how big that shark is. They figured this out by looking at the intertooth distance. And the expert says that the shark was 15 feet. I Googled that, and it says that's probably 2,000 pounds. No way I'm getting back in that water.

• 33:14Dax Shepard?

  Good. Yeah, good. Let's stay out of there. Oh, boy.

• 33:17Speaker 01

  What a story. That is gonna sit with everyone.

• 33:21Dax Shepard?

  Show up tonight during our slumber.

• 33:22Speaker 01

  Exactly. Wow.

• 33:25Speaker 03

  I was afraid of that. It's part of why I don't go back in the water. Every now and then I close my eyes, I do see a shark.

• 33:31Dax Shepard?

  No, Steve, we're born with a fear of monsters, and you Who actually got bit by a monster.

• 33:37Speaker 01

  Yeah, you were attacked by a monster. Thank you for sharing that. That was really harrowing.

• 33:42Speaker 03

  You're welcome. I do also want to say thank you to the blood donors. In that two hour operation, I took 28 units of blood, which in round numbers is twice what a body holds.

• 33:51Speaker 01

  We're lucky to have you.

• 33:53Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 33:53Speaker 01

  We're lucky to still have you here.

• 33:54Dax Shepard?

  Good attitude.

• 33:55Speaker 03

  It's been two years and I'm mostly better. I still have some nerve damage in my legs, so they're sort of prickly and I'm on medicine. My right quads don't work at this point. I had some surgery, maybe it can come back, don't know.

• 34:07Dax Shepard?

  Fingers crossed.

• 34:08Speaker 03

  In the meantime, I can walk pretty well and I can even ride a bicycle. So I'm doing great.

• 34:12Dax Shepard?

  Okay, wonderful. Well, Steve, thanks so much.

• 34:15Speaker 01

  Yeah, have a great rest of your day. We appreciate it.

• 34:18Dax Shepard?

  Stay out of the water.

• 34:19Speaker 03

  Yeah, I will too.

• 34:20Dax Shepard?

  Okay.

• 34:21Speaker 01

  Bye.

• 34:21Dax Shepard?

  Bye bye.

• 34:22Speaker 03

  Bye.

• 34:25Dax Shepard?

  From 721, delivery driver stories.

• 34:31Speaker 04

  Hello.

• 34:32Dax Shepard?

  Hello there. Now, Rags, this is a great name. Is that your nickname or just one you made up for this interview?

• 34:38Speaker 04

  That's my childhood nickname I got when I was about 10, 11 years old.

• 34:42Dax Shepard?

  What instigated that nickname?

• 34:44Speaker 04

  Probably derived from my last name. It's an Italian last name, so they just kind of shortened it up a little bit.

• 34:48Speaker 01

  I like it.

• 34:49Speaker 04

  Even my parents called me that when I was a kid. It's a good nickname.

• 34:52Dax Shepard?

  Okay, now listen, can I attribute this great vascularity in your left bicep to the fact that you're carrying a lot of packages? Or are you in the gym also?

• 35:00Speaker 04

  I do gym also. I mean, this job will keep you young, that's for sure.

• 35:03Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, my grandpa's, sorry, go ahead. I'm gonna tell you about my grandpa's, your time. You don't want to hear about my grandpa.

• 35:11Speaker 04

  I'll listen to your grandpa. I love grandpa stories.

• 35:13Dax Shepard?

  Well, he carried these 60 pound bags of flour, Wonder Bread, for like 40 years. So his biceps were like fucking bowling balls and he never in his life lifted a weight, but what glorious biceps he had.

• 35:24Speaker 04

  Right. It was a different generation back then, you know, they all worked hard like that.

• 35:27Dax Shepard?

  You had to earn your biceps back then.

• 35:29Speaker 01

  I have a feeling your story is gonna have to do with the shirt you're wearing. I don't know if we're allowed to say.

• 35:35Dax Shepard?

  We should probably not say.

• 35:37Speaker 01

  Yeah, we shouldn't say, unless you want to.

• 35:39Dax Shepard?

  But I'm making that assumption too.

• 35:40Speaker 04

  Probably keep that under wraps.

• 35:41Speaker 01

  Okay, great.

• 35:42Speaker 04

  Cause I'm taking a little lunch break. We'll just say one of the big. Three delivery companies.

• 35:45Speaker 01

  Okay, great.

• 35:46Dax Shepard?

  Okay, so hit us with your crazy delivery story. Well, let me back up. Without saying who you work for, we've had a pizza delivery person. We've had a flower delivery. I would imagine for them, they're gonna hit like fifteen customers a shift. You must hit what, like forty, seventy, a hundred houses a day or something?

• 36:03Speaker 04

  One fifty, one sixty a day, somewhere around there. Plus, business is tied in. It's a busy business.

• 36:08Dax Shepard?

  You're constantly walking up to people's houses. I would love this, by the way.

• 36:12Speaker 04

  It's a great job. I love the physicality of it. I love that there's not a boss with you all day. They leave you alone for the most part unless you're fucking up.

• 36:19Dax Shepard?

  Do people ever tip? I have, but I don't know how common that is.

• 36:22Speaker 04

  Well, you know what? On my old route, which I loved, I was there for eighteen, nineteen years. It's a little small town. I knew everybody, it was great. This guy would give me a twenty dollar bill every time.

• 36:30Dax Shepard?

  Every time?

• 36:31Speaker 01

  Oh, that's so nice.

• 36:34Speaker 04

  You could sit there and try to reject it. He would just be like, I don't want it, you take it. Super nice dude, but yeah, we get tips every once in a while. Christmas time especially, people give gift cards and leave snacks out on the porch. Whoever's out there, listen, leave snacks out for the Christmas. We appreciate that kind of stuff.

• 36:47Dax Shepard?

  So I interrupted you. There's one that was crazy among, I'm sure, many you have.

• 36:51Speaker 04

  Yeah, I have a lot of them, but yeah, one is crazy. It was about ten years ago in a rural part of Ohio, you know, on a back road. I found a guy dead outside of his house.

• 37:00Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 37:01Dax Shepard?

  Whoa, that dude jumped right to the punchline.

• 37:04Speaker 01

  Oh my god, whoa.

• 37:07Speaker 04

  He lived on this back road and when you'd pull up to his house, he had a long driveway that went down in. He had a camera up top. By the time he got to the back of the truck and grabbed the package, he would have already walked up the driveway. And then by the time he got out, you just handed it to him and he went on his way. And then I would go on my way. So that's probably tenth, fifteenth time I delivered to him. I pull up there and, you know, he doesn't show up. So I give a little double tap on the horn, give him a little bit extra time. And this guy's a hoarder. He's got a lot of junk and a lot of stuff. And you can't even see the house from like the top of the road. So when he doesn't show up, I'm sitting here going, well, I'll just fucking walk this thing down. So I'm heading down the driveway and my head's on a swivel because this guy's got so much junk. And the first thing I'm thinking about is if who's got this much stuff? He's probably got a dog to protect it, you know what I mean? I don't want to get bit. I'm on high alert.

• 37:51Speaker 04

  It's like sensory overload at this point. It's like, no. November, so it's cold in Ohio and all the leaves are off the trees. So it's kinda eerie, you know, walking down this drive.

• 38:00Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, this sounds a little bit like a zombie apocalypse.

• 38:03Speaker 04

  For sure. So I'm walking down there and I hear this radio playing from the house and it's hundred fifty, two hundred yards away. So I don't think anything of it. I'm walking down there and the leaves are swirling and shit. It's just a creepy atmosphere. I get down there and I see this guy laying outside. It's like by a workbench. Blue collar people are always tinkering outside, so I don't think anything of it. And so I yell his name out and he doesn't respond to me. And I'm like, well, maybe you can't hear because of the radios on. I'm getting closer and all I see is his legs sticking out from his workbench.

• 38:34Dax Shepard?

  Oh.

• 38:34Speaker 04

  And I'm like, you know what? Halloween just passed, you know, maybe somebody stuffed a pair of jeans with some leaves or something. It's like a scarecrow. I'm looking around like, no, this fucking guy doesn't decorate. So I'm getting closer and he's still not responding to me. And I noticed his arm was like behind his back and I could see his hand was like a grayish blue color.

• 38:52Speaker 01

  Oh, no.

• 38:54Speaker 04

  So then I'm like, either this guy's dying right now or he's already dead.

• 38:58Speaker 01

  Oof.

• 38:59Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 38:59Speaker 04

  And then it's swirling. You're like, well, what the fuck do I do? I might have to save this guy's life. You know, I was a boy scout when I was a kid. I took a lifeguard class. I know CPR, but that shit goes right out the window. So I get closer and get closer. This is where it gets fucked up.

• 39:13Dax Shepard?

  Wait, this is where it gets fucked up?

• 39:16Speaker 04

  Yeah, this is where it gets even more fucked up. So he's got a lot of cats. I mean, they're everywhere.

• 39:20Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 39:21Speaker 04

  Top of the roof of the house. They're in like broke down washer and dryer that's in the yard.

• 39:26Speaker 01

  Wow.

• 39:28Speaker 04

  And they're all doing this weird meowing and shit. And I'm just like, what the fuck? So as I get closer, I definitely realize that he's dead. And when I get closer, the cats are up by his head and they are chewing.

• 39:40Speaker 01

  No, no.

• 39:42Speaker 04

  This is what's crazy. The day I responded, am I allowed to name drop the lady that got a hold of me through the email?

• 39:47Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 39:47Dax Shepard?

  Oh, yeah, Emma, Emma, yeah, yeah.

• 39:48Speaker 04

  Okay, props to Emma.

• 39:49Speaker 01

  Big props.

• 39:50Dax Shepard?

  No, Emma's the sacred weapon that no one meets. Yeah, she's incredible.

• 39:54Speaker 04

  Absolutely. She did a great job. So when I'm responding to this email, I like Theo Von, a little quick thing pops up on my phone about him. And it's about cats will eat their owners if they die inside the house.

• 40:06Dax Shepard?

  I read the same post from Theo, yeah.

• 40:09Speaker 01

  Fuck.

• 40:09Speaker 04

  Yeah, he goes, they won't even wait. They'll just start. So I get up there. There's probably five to ten cats up there.

• 40:15Speaker 01

  Ew.

• 40:17Speaker 04

  I just got like a brief look because I didn't want to see anymore, you know, and I could see what they were doing and it just wasn't pretty. And I kinda like, you know, clap my hands a little bit.

• 40:26Dax Shepard?

  Did it make them scatter?

• 40:28Speaker 04

  Shoot, scram, scram. And they did to a degree. And then at that point, I'm like, well, what the fuck do I do now? And I was like, well, I'll probably call the sheriff.

• 40:36Dax Shepard?

  Really quick question. This is such a low priority, given what you're dealing with. But did it cross your mind like, well, I can keep this package?

• 40:43Speaker 04

  No, that never crossed my mind.

• 40:46Dax Shepard?

  I think that would cross my mind like, well, he's dead. He doesn't need this package.

• 40:49Speaker 04

  I was just trying not to get eaten alive by the cats. Yeah, that's all I was worried about, just getting the fuck out of there.

• 40:53Speaker 01

  How long did you think it was? Were you like, this is over a day?

• 40:57Speaker 04

  Being in November, it was probably like forty something degrees. So it probably preserved the body a little bit. And so when the sheriff showed up, or the deputy, he comes down, I don't mean to think this is funny, but he walks up and goes, yep, he's dead.

• 41:10Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 41:10Speaker 01

  Oh my god.

• 41:11Dax Shepard?

  You get desensitized in these jobs.

• 41:13Speaker 04

  And so he said it was probably a few days he was out there. You know, if this was August, he goes, you probably would have smelled him from the top of the driveway.

• 41:20Dax Shepard?

  How old was this gentleman?

• 41:22Speaker 04

  Probably mid-sixties, somewhere around. He was an older gentleman.

• 41:24Dax Shepard?

  And was the theory maybe he dropped dead of a heart attack? Or had he injured himself on this saw?

• 41:30Speaker 04

  I'm thinking he had a heart attack and then just felt dead on the spot. Cause I didn't want to touch him either, in case something crazy did happen. Somebody showed up, murdered him.

• 41:38Dax Shepard?

  My imagination might have ran away with me when I had already felt scared walking down. It's a very creepy property. Too many washing machines and rusted out cars and tractors. You see the dead body, you might think, is there a murderer in the house?

• 41:50Speaker 04

  You just never know. It was crazy.

• 41:52Dax Shepard?

  Total sidebar, but on first glance, the thing about the cats, it feeds my narrative that I don't like cats and I like dogs. But then I was just thinking about this. If I died and Rob and Monica wanted to eat me, I'd also be extremely flattered by that.

• 42:09Speaker 01

  No, that's disgusting.

• 42:12Dax Shepard?

  You wouldn't be flattered if you died and Rob and I wanted to eat you?

• 42:15Speaker 01

  That's so disrespectful.

• 42:17Speaker 04

  I see both your guys' points.

• 42:19Speaker 01

  Wait, no, you don't. No one sees Dax's point on this.

• 42:24Speaker 05

  If we're on an island and we have no food.

• 42:26Speaker 01

  Well, that's fine. That's different.

• 42:28Dax Shepard?

  It would mean like, you guys loved me so much, you wanted to consume me after I died.

• 42:33Speaker 01

  No.

• 42:34Speaker 05

  Muscle's too tough. We wouldn't have anything to eat.

• 42:36Dax Shepard?

  That'd be terrible. There's no debate there. It's just, I think I'd feel flattered. If a cat ate me, I'd be like, you motherfucker, you never loved me. But what I'm saying is if you guys chose to eat me, I would feel very loved by that.

• 42:48Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 42:49Speaker 05

  Good eating ceremony.

• 42:51Speaker 01

  Probably not gonna be doing that.

• 42:53Dax Shepard?

  So is this a part of your job you like too? If you're an accountant every day, yeah, you're gonna come across some crazy receipts one day, but you're not gonna probably wander upon a dead body with cats. I would like that part of your job.

• 43:03Speaker 04

  I do. That's why I've done it for so long. There's always something new around the corner that you've never seen, whether it pisses you off or you're like, wow, that was pretty fucking cool.

• 43:12Dax Shepard?

  Have you ever caught people making love?

• 43:13Speaker 04

  I've heard it, but I've never really seen it. I mean, I've had people open the doors, snake and shit. It's always usually the dudes that do it.

• 43:20Dax Shepard?

  Oh, come on dudes.

• 43:21Speaker 01

  Dudes need to get their shit together. It is. It's a real problem.

• 43:26Speaker 04

  Answer the door like an adult.

• 43:28Speaker 01

  I know. My god.

• 43:31Dax Shepard?

  Oh, Rags, this is a showstopper.

• 43:33Speaker 01

  This was incredible.

• 43:34Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, I mean, fucking the cats.

• 43:36Speaker 01

  This is top five.

• 43:37Speaker 04

  Shit, thank you.

• 43:38Dax Shepard?

  Let's just all agree that nothing will ever, ever pass the woman in a marathon who shit herself and then had an orgasm. I will never hear a story as long as I live.

• 43:47Speaker 01

  That's number one.

• 43:48Speaker 04

  I didn't expect to top that one. Yeah.

• 43:49Speaker 01

  Yeah, there's no beating that.

• 43:50Speaker 04

  Mine doesn't even hold that jock strap for that one.

• 43:53Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, she's the Jordan. Well, great meeting you, Rags. This was a party.

• 43:57Speaker 01

  Thanks for sharing that.

• 43:58Speaker 04

  No, thank you guys so much. You guys made this easy. And also another thing, you know, when I was going through that whole story, props to EMTs and shit that have to deal with that stuff on a regular basis to keep their cool. Shout out to those guys for sure.

• 44:11Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, when shit gets too heavy for us, we have people we call and then they show up and deal with it.

• 44:16Speaker 01

  There are other humans on earth.

• 44:18Dax Shepard?

  Well, great meeting you, Rags. I hope we're keeping you company on the road there.

• 44:22Speaker 04

  Yeah, you guys made my day.

• 44:23Dax Shepard?

  Okay, wonderful.

• 44:24Speaker 01

  Thank you.

• 44:24Dax Shepard?

  All right, take care, brother.

• 44:35Dax Shepard?

  We are supported by Squarespace. So here's something I think about a lot. Most people I talk to on this show, the ones doing really interesting things, they all had a version of their work that existed before anyone else saw it. It was just theirs, notes, ideas, projects they were tinkering with. And then at some point, they made the decision to share it. That's the part that's scary, right? Going from, I'm working on something to here's what I made. Rob went through the exact same thing, building our site on Squarespace. And what made it doable was that he didn't have to become a web developer overnight. He just had to show up with the idea. Squarespace handles the rest. Beautiful templates that actually look like you hired someone, built an SEO so people can find you. Email campaigns, scheduling, analytics, all under one roof. No code, no patchwork of random tools.

• 45:20Dax Shepard?

  And honestly, the thing I keep coming back to is how low the barrier is. If you've got something you've been building quietly and you're ready for people to see it, Squarespace makes that leap feel a lot less traumatic. Head to Squarespace.com/dax for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use offer code DAX to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. This episode is brought to you by Dell. Gifts mean more when they have the power to give more. They can inspire more discovery, give more confidence and unwrap more of who you are. This Black Friday, give a gift that goes beyond the box. The Dell XPS 13 laptop. With a beautiful design and cutting edge performance, it helps you unlock more possibilities.

• 46:04Dax Shepard?

  It's the thinnest, lightest XPS laptop yet. With touchscreen, a backlit keyboard and long lasting battery life to power you through your day. Built with a durable aluminum chassis, weighing just 2.2 pounds and Intel Core processors. It's fast, reliable and portable enough to keep up wherever you go. Visit dell.com to explore the possibilities of XPS. While shopping, you'll also find great perks like Dell Rewards. Fast free shipping, premium support and financing with flexible payment options. Plus, you can find great deals on monitors and accessories. That means you can score a whole new setup now for less. This Black Friday sale is one you don't want to miss. Head to dell.com/deals. That's dell.com/deals.

• 46:53Dax Shepard?

  We get support from Skims. Okay, I have a confession. I genuinely love matching pajamas. It's the best part of Christmas morning, really. Everyone in the same matching set, looking ridiculously cute in front of the tree.

• 47:07Speaker 01

  I love matching pajamas. I'm literally going to be in coordinating sets with all my friends this holiday season. Because I got them, spoiler to my friends who are listening, the same Skims pajama set I've been living in. They are so soft and cozy and they look cute. So you can leave the house and go get a late night hot chocolate and be cozy.

• 47:27Dax Shepard?

  Hmm, it's so great how Skims has sets for everyone, too. Women's, men's, kids, even your pets. So nobody in your life has to be left out this year.

• 47:38Speaker 01

  I have a bunch of different pajama sets. One of my favorite is the organic cotton sleep long sleeve set.

• 47:44Dax Shepard?

  Okay, tell me more.

• 47:46Speaker 01

  It is so comfortable, very chic, too. The top is a button down, but very, very soft, easy to sleep in. But as I said before, you can multipurpose this and look super cute.

• 47:57Dax Shepard?

  Hot chocolate runs. It's like the pajamas we grew up in, except without the scratchy polyester that made opening presents feel more like a hot yoga class that nobody signed up for.

• 48:07Speaker 01

  All the nostalgia, none of the discomfort. Shop my favorite loungewear and pajamas at skims.com. After you place your order, be sure to let them know we sent you. Select podcasts in the survey and be sure to select Armtraff Expert in the drop down menu that follows. If you're looking for the perfect gifts for everyone on your list, the Skims Holiday Shop is now open at skims.com.

• 48:26Dax Shepard?

  This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Every family has that one holiday tradition nobody actually enjoys, but everyone keeps doing because stopping it would feel like a federal offense. For me, it was a specific meal situation that I will not name because my family listens. But at some point, you have to ask yourself, am I doing this because I love it or because I'm afraid of what happens if I don't?

• 48:49Speaker 01

  Yes, and that question applies to so much more than the holidays. I think a lot of us carry these invisible rules about how we're supposed to spend the holidays, who we're supposed to see, what it's supposed to look like. And when you start Unpacking that with a therapist, you realize half of your stress is coming from rules you didn't even write.

• 49:05Dax Shepard?

  This is where BetterHelp can be a great resource during the holidays. BetterHelp does the initial matching work for you so you can focus on your therapy goals. A short questionnaire helps identify your needs and preferences, which means they typically get it right the first time. If you aren't happy with your match, switch to a different therapist at any time from their tailored recs.

• 49:24Speaker 01

  I just love therapy. I've been avoiding it recently, or not avoiding it, but I was like, oh, I'm busy, I'm busy, I'm busy. I haven't canceled, canceled, canceled, but then I-

• 49:32Dax Shepard?

  You start feeling it.

• 49:33Speaker 01

  Yeah, because then I had it this past weekend and I was like, oh my God, I'm just, thank God, thank God for her. Yeah.

• 49:40Dax Shepard?

  BetterHelp is now in-network with more than 125 health plans with many copays as low as $15 for eligible members. And if you don't have eligible insurance or live outside the US, you can still get 20% off your first month. Sign up and get 20% off at betterhelp.com/dax. That's betterhelp, H E L P, dot com slash dax.

• 50:09Dax Shepard?

  From 704 Greatest Fears.

• 50:15Speaker 06

  Hello.

• 50:16Dax Shepard?

  Hello.

• 50:17Speaker 01

  Hi.

• 50:18Dax Shepard?

  We have dueling dog pictures behind our heads. You've got a golden retriever, or two, those are different?

• 50:24Speaker 06

  Yeah, two. Nellie on the left, I can't even tell left or right from your view, but Rooney is the other one. One is like a sweet angel and the other is like crackhead.

• 50:35Dax Shepard?

  They sound alternative. Rooney and Ellie, they sound like they're into alternative stuff.

• 50:40Speaker 06

  Nellie, short for Penelope.

• 50:41Dax Shepard?

  Oh, also a cute alternative name.

• 50:44Speaker 01

  I love these names.

• 50:45Dax Shepard?

  Do you have any children?

• 50:46Speaker 06

  I do not.

• 50:47Dax Shepard?

  Right. I would have guessed that because the care with which you've given these dogs names, most people are just like, oh, fucking, whatever, we'll call him Gus. It's meticulous.

• 50:54Speaker 06

  Well, I feel like I'll always have these photos now that I printed them, so they'll always have their space, whether we have kids or not.

• 51:00Dax Shepard?

  I hope you use Framebridge to mount and display those.

• 51:03Speaker 06

  I wanted to. This was like a cheap rock.

• 51:07Dax Shepard?

  Okay, so Jane, you had one of your greatest fears come true. Is this true?

• 51:11Speaker 06

  Yes, I did. Gonna be a little cringe worthy.

• 51:14Dax Shepard?

  Oh, it's my favorite kind.

• 51:17Speaker 06

  Little backstory. My husband and I had gone to visit my parents for like a long weekend. We had a wedding. My parents were selling their house, so their estate sale, like no furniture in the house, no beds, except for the one they were sleeping in. So my husband and I basically slept on the floor one night because the air mattress deflated. And then the next night patio cushions, makeshift bed in the family room with my sister. It was kind of a long weekend with that, not sleeping well. And then we were driving home and we were kind of like, we haven't done the deed in a while. The long weekend, whatever happened the week before, it had been a while.

• 51:56Dax Shepard?

  I just want to point out that I'm proud of you that a long weekend without was a long time.

• 52:00Speaker 06

  No.

• 52:01Dax Shepard?

  No, she said the week before. Oh, she did. Oh, God. I thought just you hadn't banged on the weekend and that had been a long time. That was an exciting timetable.

• 52:10Speaker 06

  But normally the weekend, we try to make time for each other. You know, we're not working or stressed. So the week before and then the weekend, we were horny. We were on the ride home. We were like, all right, we gotta stretch the itch when we get home. We get home, we unpack a little bit, and I think I was just like scrolling on my phone on the couch and my husband, you know, gave me the eye. We made our way to the bedroom and went from there. I think for those earlier reasons, I was a bit more vocal than normal.

• 52:40Dax Shepard?

  Okay, because of the buildup?

• 52:41Speaker 06

  Yes, I had even, I really rarely do this, but like gave a little instruction, you know, a little to the left.

• 52:48Dax Shepard?

  Wonderful. This is the dream. Yeah, should be doing that.

• 52:51Speaker 06

  Right. A great experience. And then we're nearing the end and my phone starts to vibrate, like I'm getting a call. I kind of just ignored. I'm like, oh, my sister's probably calling me. And then my husband's phone starts to buzz as well.

• 53:06Dax Shepard?

  Oh, no.

• 53:06Speaker 06

  But we're like so close to the end. We're like, we're just gonna power through and figure it out after. We finish.

• 53:12Dax Shepard?

  I just, I'm having Aaron weekly flashbacks, but please continue.

• 53:15Speaker 06

  So immediately after, he looks up and sees my phone is towards the head of the bed by the pillows. And he goes, are you on Instagram Live right now?

• 53:26Dax Shepard?

  No, you are kidding. You are kidding me. No. No.

• 53:32Speaker 06

  I panicked. I've never flipped over so fast. Grab my phone.

• 53:37Dax Shepard?

  Oh, my.

• 53:38Speaker 01

  Oh God.

• 53:40Speaker 06

  I knew Monica would do this.

• 53:41Speaker 01

  This is horrifying.

• 53:48Dax Shepard?

  And even worse, I'd be a, oh my God, panic. And then you'd be like, well, I don't have so many followers, probably no one saw. But then you're like, well, no, people are already warning us that people I know have seen this.

• 53:57Speaker 06

  I'm immediately like, our phones were buzzing. So I flip over, I see it's like face up, camera is facing to the ceiling. It's on live. There's a few names underneath. You can only see a few like who are in the live.

• 54:12Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 54:17Speaker 06

  Of course, one of the only ones I saw was an ex boyfriend. And like an old friend. That's all I see before I just panic exit out of everything.

• 54:29Dax Shepard?

  Flus your phone down the toilet.

• 54:30Speaker 06

  I want to. I immediately was just running around the house naked. Like, what do I do with myself? Like, I can't even fathom. I got a call from a friend I hadn't talked to in forever. And she was like, I know we haven't talked in a long time, but I would have wanted you to call me if you noticed. And I was like, I have no words. I'm so embarrassed. She was like, I joined and immediately left and started calling you. People got messages, like Jamie went live.

• 55:00Speaker 01

  Right, that's what happens.

• 55:01Speaker 06

  On their phones.

• 55:02Dax Shepard?

  I've seen that. When the people I'm following go live, I get alerted.

• 55:06Speaker 06

  Piecing it together, I call my sister freaking out. My husband just was like, oh gosh, jumps in the shower.

• 55:13Speaker 01

  Doesn't give a fuck. Oh my God.

• 55:16Dax Shepard?

  Well, he kind of killed it. Sounds like he was killing it. He's like, he's proud as a peacock. I'm glad your ex boyfriend heard that. I brought it home.

• 55:23Speaker 01

  What do you think people saw? If it was facing the ceiling, do you think they just heard?

• 55:27Speaker 06

  So they just heard.

• 55:28Speaker 01

  Okay, thank God.

• 55:30Speaker 06

  I'm not typically noisy. I just happen to be like, you know what? Screw it. This is a great experience. I'm gonna be louder. I just, I can't.

• 55:39Dax Shepard?

  But you know what's interesting really quick? So for me, on the outside and acknowledging I'm a man, if I had to get caught having sex, that would be the version I'd want, which is. Like I'm kind of a hellcat and a lot of fun.

• 55:51Speaker 06

  Honestly, he's in the shower. I'm just pacing. He was like, you should just post on your story like, well, hope you enjoyed the show. Yeah. I really contemplated it. I was like, I guess we can own it. Yeah. Whatever.

• 56:03Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 56:03Speaker 06

  But my sister was like, ignore it. It never happened. Don't talk about it.

• 56:09Dax Shepard?

  Think how much different it could have gone. The conversation they could over her is like, I know. Yeah, get lube. Oh, where is the lube? Oh, do you need a minute?

• 56:16Speaker 06

  That's really true.

• 56:17Dax Shepard?

  It could have been impotence and it could have been dryness and it could have been like maybe an ouch. Look, we all know how it can go.

• 56:23Speaker 06

  Yeah, I've replayed the sex in my mind so many times. Like, what exactly was I saying? I have nightmares. I will often, this happens honestly, every other time now, if I don't leave my phone outside of the room, I mid sex. I'm like, I have to look at my phone to make sure it's off.

• 56:40Dax Shepard?

  Oh my god, scarring.

• 56:41Speaker 06

  So scarring. Anxiety, but mostly it seems like it was just girlfriends, which whatever, that's fine, but the ex, I don't know.

• 56:52Dax Shepard?

  The ex boyfriend was just even more wishing he was still with you. That's a win.

• 56:57Speaker 06

  It should be harder to go live.

• 56:59Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, you should have to like type in a code or so. You should give your password.

• 57:03Speaker 06

  I've never gone live before. You have to swipe up, hit start. Like, I don't know how my hands, I just threw my phone on the bed.

• 57:09Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 57:10Speaker 06

  So I got a notification from Instagram shortly after, like, you've been flagged for sexual activity.

• 57:16Dax Shepard?

  Oh, wow.

• 57:17Speaker 06

  While my sister's friend reported it, because she thought it would like end it. Oh. Like it would get cut off.

• 57:22Dax Shepard?

  That makes sense.

• 57:23Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 57:23Dax Shepard?

  Although now you're a registered sex offender.

• 57:26Speaker 06

  Thank God I'm private. I don't know what coworkers thought. I have no idea. I'm a nurse. There could have been doctors that I work with on it. And I don't know. Nobody has brought it up to me.

• 57:38Dax Shepard?

  And I imagine all your interactions for the next week, you're like hyper focused on like, are they acting differently about me? Which makes you act differently, which then could make them act differently. Yeah.

• 57:48Speaker 06

  The flag on Instagram like took it off and it said seven M underneath. Seven minutes?

• 57:54Dax Shepard?

  No, that is long. Oh, no.

• 57:58Speaker 06

  I was like, maybe it was seven minutes ago. And then the longer I thought, I was like, no, that was the entire experience. Seven whole minutes, people going in and out, in and out of the live.

• 58:09Dax Shepard?

  Ooh.

• 58:10Speaker 06

  I have no words. It was so scary in the moment, but I mean, I laugh about it. I tell everybody now.

• 58:17Dax Shepard?

  Yeah. Yeah. It's fantastic. Did you happen to hear my best friend Aaron Weekly's story about being on a Zoom AA meeting in the morning and he had no idea his microphone on?

• 58:26Speaker 06

  Diarrhea.

• 58:27Dax Shepard?

  Yes, yelling at his dog, coughing.

• 58:29Speaker 06

  Yeah, I think about it all the time.

• 58:32Dax Shepard?

  That's worse because he was like as gross as he can possibly be.

• 58:36Speaker 06

  Right. And I was like, what, did I sound hot?

• 58:39Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 58:40Speaker 06

  I was calling friends, like, did it sound good? Or was I like a beached whale?

• 58:44Dax Shepard?

  From what you described, it sounds really hot.

• 58:46Speaker 06

  I like to think so.

• 58:47Dax Shepard?

  I'm sure it was.

• 58:48Speaker 06

  I really almost posted. Hope you enjoyed the show.

• 58:50Dax Shepard?

  Oh, that's great. Oh, that's a good one.

• 58:53Speaker 06

  I'll never not think about it when I'm having sex. Hopefully in a year, I'll not think about it.

• 58:57Dax Shepard?

  Since you have these two dogs, are you guys ever having sex and you look away from your husband, you notice one of your dogs just staring you directly in the eye?

• 59:05Speaker 06

  Well, that or they start like licking toes.

• 59:08Dax Shepard?

  Oh, God.

• 59:10Speaker 06

  We usually lock them out, but you know, sometimes, you know, it's random, they're there.

• 59:16Dax Shepard?

  Oh, we used to have a dog Lola that would like try to get right in the action. All of a sudden, you're like, what's my leg? There's some hairy. Oh, man. Jeez Louise. Oh, Jane, thanks for that. It's a good cautionary tale, too. Keep your phones away.

• 59:32Speaker 06

  Out of the room. Well, I wanted to say thank you, guys. We had a really rough year last year and this year is starting off better and we are going into a fertility treatment in a couple of days. And I just feel so positive and happy and so excited. You guys really did that for me.

• 59:49Dax Shepard?

  Oh, good.

• 59:50Speaker 06

  Means more than you know, going into this process.

• 59:52Dax Shepard?

  Did you listen to Race to 35?

• 59:54Speaker 06

  A hundred percent I did. It felt really good to hear people talking about it because you just see the same stories. You Google, it's the same people. There's not a lot. I appreciate you guys so much.

• 1:00:04Dax Shepard?

  Well, thank you so much. Sending you lots of luck and love. Triple fingers crossed.

• 1:00:09Speaker 06

  Thank you.

• 1:00:09Dax Shepard?

  All right. Great meeting you, Jane. Good luck with everything.

• 1:00:12Speaker 06

  You too.

• 1:00:12Dax Shepard?

  Okay, bye bye.

• 1:00:16Dax Shepard?

  From 747, house sitting stories.

• 1:00:23Dax Shepard?

  Tyler.

• 1:00:23Speaker 07

  Hi, yes.

• 1:00:24Dax Shepard?

  How are you doing?

• 1:00:25Speaker 07

  I'm doing really well. It's really great to meet you right now.

• 1:00:28Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, where are you at?

• 1:00:29Speaker 07

  I'm in Palatine, Illinois.

• 1:00:31Speaker 05

  Right next to where I grew up.

• 1:00:33Dax Shepard?

  Oh, Robbie Robb said that's right where he grew up.

• 1:00:35Speaker 06

  Neighbors.

• 1:00:36Speaker 05

  I went to high school at Frem.

• 1:00:37Dax Shepard?

  At where? Friend?

• 1:00:38Speaker 05

  Fremd.

• 1:00:39Dax Shepard?

  Fremd? Do you know Fremd High School?

• 1:00:41Speaker 07

  I don't think I have even passed that one.

• 1:00:43Dax Shepard?

  Okay, did you move here as an adult?

• 1:00:45Speaker 07

  Once I married my wife, we moved to Palatine, Illinois.

• 1:00:49Dax Shepard?

  Neighbor to Wabi Wab. Yeah, maybe one day you'll have children that'll end up going to

• 1:00:53Speaker 06

  Fremd.

• 1:00:54Dax Shepard?

  Fremd. Bad, terrible name for a school. Yeah. It's like, is it friend? Did they misspell?

• 1:01:00Speaker 05

  The last name, William Fremd.

• 1:01:02Dax Shepard?

  Fremd? It's terrible. Okay. How do you spell that, Wabi Wab?

• 1:01:06Speaker 05

  F R E M D.

• 1:01:07Dax Shepard?

  Fuck that. Terrible. Okay. Tyler, please, you have a house-sitting story for us.

• 1:01:13Speaker 07

  Yes, I do. So, this takes place in Sugar Grove, Illinois. That's really close to Naperville, Illinois, if you're familiar with that.

• 1:01:23Dax Shepard?

  I know it very well. Bob Odenkirk's from there.

• 1:01:25Speaker 07

  Perfect. So, Sugar Grove's just 15 minutes west. I was asked to watch my best friend's family's house. And I was also to watch their family dog while they were gone. They would be gone for a full week. I've watched their house quite a few times, so there was nothing new about this. And the first few days went completely fine. And it was Thursday night that things went a little bit different. I went to sleep with a movie on. It was late. And it was approximately 2:00 a.m. I had woken up. And to explain a little bit of the layout of the house, it is an open-concept living room. And it's a conjoined dining room and kitchen.

• 1:02:10Speaker 07

  And I had the dog with me on the couch. So, I wake up and I see that the dog is kind of going crazy. She's just a small Shih Tzu. She's barking up a storm. And I just slowly turn around. And there is just glass shrapnel all over the ground of the dining room. There's dishware all over.

• 1:02:31Dax Shepard?

  What?

• 1:02:31Speaker 07

  I look at the appliances in the kitchen. And where the dishwasher is, it's just pulverized. The door is like off the hinge.

• 1:02:40Dax Shepard?

  Oh, my God. Hold on. We were just handed photos of the scene. I don't think the listener can even imagine the amount of destruction. God. That has happened in this kitchen and I'm immediately curious how the fuck you slept through whatever happened. It's like a demo, it feels like it was. Yes, they were demoing the kitchen. Oh, oh my God. Okay, wait. Okay, so the dog's freaking out. You look over, there's shit everywhere.

• 1:03:06Speaker 07

  I'm trying to comprehend what I'm seeing. I had come from a very deep sleep and I did kind of sleep through whatever the initial noise was. And I'm looking at the kitchen and I'm thinking to myself, what caused this? I smell some gas in the air. Maybe there was an earthquake that came through because I could hear some rumblings going on.

• 1:03:27Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, that's what it looks like. Well, like a 9.6. Yeah.

• 1:03:31Speaker 07

  I can't really think very well, but at the same time, I'm like, I gotta call my friend Tim. I give him a call. They're in New Jersey.

• 1:03:38Dax Shepard?

  Hold on a second, Tyler. What on earth are you gonna tell them? But Tim's the son of the, yeah, okay.

• 1:03:43Speaker 07

  Yep.

• 1:03:44Dax Shepard?

  Looking at these pictures again, we're gonna have to somehow post them or something. There's no explanation. You gotta have an explanation before you call Tim, right?

• 1:03:51Speaker 07

  So that's the part that is really funny, this voicemail that I left because they're in New Jersey. So they're definitely asleep at this time. And I'm like, hey, Tim, I hope that your vacation's going well. Things are getting weird here. So if you can give me a call back, that would be great. Thanks. Bye.

• 1:04:11Dax Shepard?

  Oh my God, it's like a Poltergeist is in the house.

• 1:04:14Speaker 07

  Okay, I smell gas. Oh no. Did I leave the oven on? Did I blow up the oven and destroy the kitchen?

• 1:04:22Dax Shepard?

  Mm-hmm.

• 1:04:23Speaker 07

  But a moment later, I hear a knock at the door. A little unsettling because it's really early and I just make my way to the door and I'm like, oh, it's a neighbor. They're probably checking. They probably heard the explosion. I open the door and I can see his face is a little concerned. He's like, hey, you know that there's a car in your house right now?

• 1:04:42Dax Shepard?

  Oh.

• 1:04:42Speaker 07

  I'm like, what do you mean? Like a car went through your house.

• 1:04:48Speaker 01

  Oh. My god.

• 1:04:52Dax Shepard?

  Give me that other picture. Oh my god. Oh my god. Yeah, look in the garage. There's a fucking car buried in the corner. Okay, okay.

• 1:05:01Speaker 07

  Immediately, I just go like, man, that is so much better. I thought I blew up the kitchen. This is way better. And he's like, no, no, it's a car through your garage. And so we can see that the red and blue lights are coming into the subdivision. I go inside, I grab a shirt, I grab the dog, and I wait for the ambulance to approach. The fire chief comes to me and he's like, are you all right? Is everything fine? I'm like, well, things are damaged in there, but I'm fine. He's like, we gotta make sure that the house isn't compromised in any way. So he goes in and as I'm standing outside, another neighbor comes over to me. And he's like, hey, are you the homeowner?

• 1:05:44Speaker 07

  I'm like, no, I'm actually just house-sitting. And he's like, well, I'm the one that called 911. I was awake at the time of the collision, so I ran outside. And I can see that there's a young guy coming out of the wall of the home. And he looks like he's about to run. And so I tell him, stop right there. We need to wait for the cops to come. And moments later, my buddy Tim finally gives me a call back. And this is where I finally get a chance to go around the house and check the damage. As we put it together later, what the driver did was he came from the entrance of the subdivision. It's a curved road and it goes into a straight.

• 1:06:26Speaker 07

  Instead of taking that straight, he went through the curb, he went over an empty grass lot, and he went over a curb, a road, another curb, up into the yard, and through the bushes, and nailed the one car garage that's attached to the house.

• 1:06:41Dax Shepard?

  So he blew through the side of the garage, not the garage door?

• 1:06:44Speaker 07

  Yes.

• 1:06:44Dax Shepard?

  Oh my fucking god.

• 1:06:46Speaker 01

  Right.

• 1:06:46Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, like right there is a huge hole behind that bush.

• 1:06:49Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 1:06:50Speaker 07

  He made it through that first wall and he obliterated all the tools that are in there. That was mostly what the garage was used for.

• 1:06:59Speaker 01

  Climbed out of the wall.

• 1:07:00Speaker 07

  The car stops its impact at the final wall, which is the shared wall between the kitchen and that garage. So that destroyed the oven and threw all that shrapnel through the kitchen.

• 1:07:14Dax Shepard?

  I cannot believe you did not wake up. How on earth Tyler, did you not wake up? A car literally drove through a house. That's a joke you'd say to your partner, like you sleep so deep, a fucking truck could run through here and you wouldn't even wake up. Like, I even wonder if the dog hadn't been barking, if you would have just woke up the next day.

• 1:07:34Speaker 07

  I usually tell the story as I had the movie out very loud. There was an action movie going on.

• 1:07:40Dax Shepard?

  Okay, watching Die Hard. Holy fuck.

• 1:07:45Speaker 07

  The fire chief comes back out. He's like, hey, do you have anywhere you can stay for the night? And I'm like, no, the dog's got all her stuff in there, so I gotta stay here. And he's like, okay, that's fine. If you're fine with a hole in the house, we cut the gas. So that should be fine for tonight at least. The next morning comes, he did inform me that an inspector would be coming in to check the house to see how it was compromised. An inspector comes, he goes down into the basement, he comes back upstairs and he's like, we're going to wait for the homeowner so I can speak to him and go through all the insurance stuff that needs to be done. And so he leaves about a couple hours later, Tim's dad finally arrives.

• 1:08:24Dax Shepard?

  They have cut their trip short, obviously, to come deal with this.

• 1:08:27Speaker 07

  Yep, he actually came back by himself. He left the rest of the family in New Jersey to finish the vacation. He just wanted to get a jump on all of the insurance stuff and he was just so overwhelmed. He comes in and he's so happy that I'm fine. I was sleeping on the couch.

• 1:08:43Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, he was going another 30 miles an hour. Still wouldn't have woke up.

• 1:08:49Speaker 07

  The shrapnel definitely hit the back of the couch. So he was just so happy that everything was fine on my end. But as we're reminiscing, he's like, do you smell some gas? I'm like, they said they cut the gas. We go outside. There were many people that day just driving by, looking at the hole in the house. So the police officer was there, we flag him down. And we're like, hey, we smell some gas. Right away, he calls the fire department. The fire department that was there earlier in the morning, they come back, they check, and they see that the inspector that was there, he had thought that the gas was still on, so he turned it off, but he really just turned it back on.

• 1:09:27Speaker 01

  Oh, my god.

• 1:09:29Dax Shepard?

  Oopsies. That's a mistake that shouldn't really be able to be made because a gas line, if the thing's in line with the gas pipe, it's on, and if it's perpendicular, it's off. That's how they're made.

• 1:09:41Speaker 07

  Yeah, I was in my mid twenties, so I didn't know how any of that really worked. We had learned a week later about what happened to the driver. The driver's blood alcohol level was twice the legal limit, and he had cocaine in his system.

• 1:09:53Dax Shepard?

  Oh, he should have been more alert. Should have seen that curve coming.

• 1:09:56Speaker 07

  They found a scale in his car, and they had said that he was probably connected to some of the local drug dealing around the area. He actually lived just a few doors down. That is probably where he would have ran off to, but he did not have a great time that evening.

• 1:10:13Dax Shepard?

  Oh, wow. So he got arrested.

• 1:10:16Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 1:10:16Speaker 01

  Oh, boy.

• 1:10:17Dax Shepard?

  Well, hopefully he ended up in treatment. That's a pretty good low. It's a good story in an AA meeting. Did you get eyes on him that night?

• 1:10:23Speaker 07

  I saw the kid just sitting there on the curb, and the cops were over him just watching him. So he was fine from what I could see. What I learned later on was I heard rumbling happening in what I thought was an earthquake. That was actually the kid trying to get out of the car.

• 1:10:38Dax Shepard?

  For sure. Yeah, you gotta get out of there.

• 1:10:40Speaker 01

  Yeah. My god.

• 1:10:42Dax Shepard?

  Let's go.

• 1:10:44Speaker 01

  Wow.

• 1:10:45Dax Shepard?

  Are we allowed to post those pictures? Do you think the homeowner would be fine with that?

• 1:10:48Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 1:10:49Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, I think we gotta post those. I don't think anyone would realize how insanely damaging this event is. How funny that you're trying to make, trying to make sense of the kitchen that literally just self-detonated.

• 1:11:02Speaker 07

  I'm really sad we didn't have. The voicemail, we kept that voicemail that I had left to my buddy Tim for about a year or two, but when he changed phones, he forgot to keep it.

• 1:11:11Speaker 01

  Damn it.

• 1:11:12Speaker 07

  We listened to it so many times and every time it's just like something weird is going on. I can't comprehend what I'm seeing, but it's not good.

• 1:11:24Dax Shepard?

  I'm so glad I saw it in the order I did.

• 1:11:26Speaker 01

  Yeah, that was great.

• 1:11:27Dax Shepard?

  This is great. Oh, Tyler, that's a fucking

• 1:11:30Speaker 01

  That was a good one.

• 1:11:31Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, man, all the drawers are thrown out. The island's been shoved forward.

• 1:11:36Speaker 01

  But it would be so confusing because it's not like a robbery. There is no way to piece together what could have possibly

• 1:11:41Dax Shepard?

  Your explanation was smart, which is like, oh, there was a gas explosion.

• 1:11:46Speaker 01

  Right.

• 1:11:46Dax Shepard?

  It does look like everything exploded off the wall.

• 1:11:49Speaker 07

  And that far wall is where the oven is, so it's gone. I can't even tell that it's an oven anymore. And I classically do leave an oven on once in a while and my wife finds that. So it wouldn't be beyond me to do that.

• 1:12:03Dax Shepard?

  The oven is gone. It's nowhere.

• 1:12:05Speaker 01

  I love that you were relieved that it was a car.

• 1:12:09Dax Shepard?

  Oh, I would have been too.

• 1:12:10Speaker 01

  Me too. That wasn't my fault.

• 1:12:11Dax Shepard?

  Oh, thank God. Just a car drove through the house. What a blessing.

• 1:12:16Speaker 01

  Very Stephanie Tanner from Full House. She drove the car.

• 1:12:19Dax Shepard?

  Through the home?

• 1:12:20Speaker 01

  Into the home, yeah.

• 1:12:20Dax Shepard?

  Oh, on coke and drunk?

• 1:12:22Speaker 01

  No, unfortunately, just childish.

• 1:12:24Dax Shepard?

  Old fashioned way?

• 1:12:25Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:12:27Dax Shepard?

  Oh, well, Tyler, thank you so much for sharing that story with us. That was great.

• 1:12:31Speaker 07

  Of course. If you wouldn't mind, I would love to give a shout out to my wife. She was the original arm cherry that got me into listening to you all a couple of years ago. She was listening for this prompt specifically. I said, if there is a house sitting story, I will submit it and I will try to tell it.

• 1:12:49Dax Shepard?

  And what's her name?

• 1:12:49Speaker 07

  Her name is Zoar.

• 1:12:51Dax Shepard?

  Well, thank you, Zoar, for turning Tyler onto the show and I'm so delighted you guys listened.

• 1:12:55Speaker 07

  Thank you so much for listening to the story. I appreciate it.

• 1:12:58Dax Shepard?

  All right. Take care, brother.

• 1:13:02Dax Shepard?

  From 806 Hotel Stories.

• 1:13:10Dax Shepard?

  Hi there. Hi, it's Ari. We were saying naughty stuff right as you signed on. Makes me happy. I love it. Are you in a bunk bed with a sheet? I am in a blanket for bunk bed. Absolutely. It's my best option. This is a first.

• 1:13:24Speaker 01

  This is good. This sounds great.

• 1:13:25Dax Shepard?

  A lot of ingenuity happening. What do you do for a living? So I own a beach resort on the Jersey Shore with my family.

• 1:13:31Speaker 01

  What? Cool.

• 1:13:32Dax Shepard?

  Have you ever seen like the situation in the gang? No, we're not that type of Jersey Shore. We're like the quaint, family-friendly, low-key Jersey Shore. Were you ever curious when they were shooting that show to wander up there and see if you could see them? I was obsessed with them. Not really our vibe. You know, we like to stay a couple islands down, but they're fun to watch, I guess. That's fair. Am I right to think that the season is coming to an end? Is it a good time for you or a sad time? No, it's great. Couple more weeks to go and then we're done. Got it.

• 1:13:59Speaker 01

  Oh, I have a feeling this story is about.

• 1:14:01Dax Shepard?

  Their own.

• 1:14:02Speaker 01

  Your own.

• 1:14:03Dax Shepard?

  Oh, that would be a first. A proprietor. It is. It's about our hotel and as low-key as it normally is, we see our fair share of crazy stuff. So I've got a doozy for you guys today. Okay, how many rooms are there? I want to get like kind of an idea of what we're looking at. Fifty-three. So we're pretty tiny. We're like a restaurant, nightclub, wedding venue. Oh, wow. This sounds. A lot of fun. Very nice. Really quickly, my grandparents owned a motel and I was just telling Monica that my grandma many times found dead bodies. Does that happen to you? No dead bodies for us. Knock on wood. Okay, great. Great, great, great. Oh, sorry. Not, not, not, not. Okay. All right. Well, I'm just gonna dive on into it. So it's a Friday morning. I'm coming into work and you know, we work some late night hours usually. So sometimes in the morning I come in around checkout time for the hotel.

• 1:14:47Dax Shepard?

  I walk in, I open the front door right to our lobby and normally it would be a pretty low-key scene. It would be a couple of people checking out, people gathering their stuff, getting ready to go. And immediately I can tell that is not the case for this morning. It is a zoo in the lobby. There is pretty much the entire hotel's worth of people standing around our tiny little lobby. And they are losing their minds. I can immediately sense the tension in the room and I'm overhearing people going like.

• 1:15:14Speaker 07

  Did you lose? I lost my beach towels. They were pottery bonded. They're monogrammed. We lost all our life jackets. So I am on high alert. I lock eyes with our front desk receptionist and she just gives me that nod like, go to the office. I'm gonna meet you in there. She presents me with a full yellow legal pad of missing items from hotel rooms.

• 1:15:33Dax Shepard?

  What?

• 1:15:34Speaker 07

  Side note, we are that idyllic little town where people leave all their stuff outside of the room at night. You leave your car doors unlocked. Everybody puts their beach towels, their beach gear outside of their room. Never been an issue. Apparently today was not that day because almost every single hotel room had come down and reported something from outside of their room missing. Nothing like this has ever happened before. So I am in semi panic mode. You know, we want to keep our guests happy and don't know what to do. So I'm reeling, trying to think what's our next step here. And in walks two of our managers and I have a manager Heather who does our front desk and a manager Tina who does our housekeeping. And they come in and they were in earlier than me and we've got a story for you. One of our housekeepers had walked by one of the other rooms and noticed as she looked through an open door,

• 1:16:17Speaker 07

  a boatload of beach stuff, like mountains of beach gear in a certain hotel room. So she's like, alright, we've got an issue. So, you know, it was like 10:45 when I got in there. Checkout's 11. So I'm like, alright, let's go upstairs. I gather my girls. We head up the stairs. Some of our rooms are oceanfront and they've got private balconies. So we go to the one next to this room who's already been checked out of. And I walk out on the balcony and I'm peeking over to the next room and I'm trying to figure out, oh my God, is this it? And I just see mountains of things. All the beach towels stacked up, puddle jumpers, beach gear. I mean, everything. So it's now 11:01 and this is no longer this lady's room. So I'm like, alright, let's go. So I lead my girls down the hallway. I go up, I knock on the door.

• 1:17:01Speaker 07

  Little side note about this lady, she's already been an issue in the hotel. You know, we've got bars, we've got a nightclub. We've had a lot of complaints about her so far already.

• 1:17:08Dax Shepard?

  Ranging from just she's nosey or she's aggressive, loud?

• 1:17:14Speaker 07

  Loud, aggressive, too drunk, causing scenes, chirping up people.

• 1:17:19Speaker 07

  At the bar, being rude to the security guards, like you name it, she was doing it. She's been a handful.

• 1:17:24Dax Shepard?

  Okay.

• 1:17:24Speaker 07

  So I knock on the door, tell her who I am, kind of give her the old, hey, had a couple complaints about some hotel rooms. Are you missing anything? She's like, oh, no. What are you talking about? And as she steps sort of to the side, I look over her shoulder and I'm like, how many towels did you bring with you on this vacation? At this point, I'm like, I'm coming in the room. So I sort of just walk past her and our rooms have a little bit of an entry hallway and then they open up into the larger space. So I'm coming in and I'm clocking all the stuff. I'm seeing the towel with Olivia's name on it.

• 1:17:52Speaker 01

  Oh, my God.

• 1:17:53Speaker 07

  The puddle jumper with the mermaids on it that's been reported missing. I have the list with me and I'm like, this is it. We've got a kleptomaniac on our hands. As I walk through the threshold to the room, I look to my right and I catch eyes with somebody I know in her bed.

• 1:18:05Dax Shepard?

  Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

• 1:18:16Dax Shepard?

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• 1:18:59Dax Shepard?

  From your first class to career coaching and beyond, Walden is your partner the whole way. Take the first step and learn at a pace that works for you. Visit waldenu.edu. Walden University. Set a course for change. Certified to operate by CHEV.

• 1:19:25Speaker 06

  So we have a lot of different bands that play at our resort and some play weekly. And I look over and one of the trombone players from a band who plays at the resort a lot is tucked up to his chin in her bed.

• 1:19:37Dax Shepard?

  And just surrounded with merch.

• 1:19:39Speaker 06

  Endless gear. I mean, a hotel's full. You could have a whole camp with the amount of gear for children that is in this room. So I look at him and we're just eyes on each other. We know each other and he's a deer in headlights. So I look over at her and I'm like, hey, do you guys have any kids registered with your reservation? Cause I know it's just her in this room. And she goes, oh, he has kids.

• 1:19:57Dax Shepard?

  So she's thinking on her feet.

• 1:19:58Speaker 06

  She's moving quick. She's trying, but I know this guy and he does not have children of this age. And I've never seen him with any family of anybody at the resort. So I look right at her and I go, that's not true. Come on. And he is still just stone cold. So I'm like, listen, guys, I'm under the assumption that you've stolen all this stuff from all of our hotel guests. I go, I'm going to take it back. I go out to the hallway, I hooty hoot my staff and I ask them to come down and they bring a whole crew of housekeepers. I mean, this is five, six ladies, arms full of stuff, just taking it all out.

• 1:20:27Dax Shepard?

  At this moment in your mind, have you tried to figure out, cause I'm immediately thinking, this is the act of a super hammered person that didn't really know what they were doing. Not so much that they actually are a thief that wants this stuff. My guess right now is she woke up and was just as surprised as you are that all that stuff was in her room.

• 1:20:46Speaker 06

  She was absolutely drinking the night before, but the reason that's not the case is because everything was nicely folded. She had mounds of towels rolled up perfectly and was loading them into her suitcase.

• 1:20:56Speaker 01

  How's she getting this out of here without people noticing?

• 1:20:59Dax Shepard?

  Also, what the hell are you going to do with all this stuff? It's not like it's highly resellable.

• 1:21:03Speaker 01

  It's about that. It's just about the stealing.

• 1:21:06Dax Shepard?

  Okay.

• 1:21:06Speaker 06

  Also, she is so far on left field. I've just accused her of robbing the entire hotel. She could care less. She's smiling. She's joking with me. She is not defensive at all. I'm just like, okay. So we get all this stuff out of the room and I look at the guy and I go, listen, I'm going to step out of the hallway. I'm going to give you two minutes to get decent and after that I'm coming in. You guys are getting out of the room. I walk out. I'm not out there 30 seconds. He comes barreling out the door, down. The hallway, won't even look at me, he's gone. So I'm like, all right, I'll deal with this guy another day. I know who this guy is. So I go back in and I'm trying to just get the ball rolling for this lady. I'm like, you gotta go.

• 1:21:39Dax Shepard?

  We're not gonna call the cops. You're like, I'm not interested in that.

• 1:21:42Speaker 06

  I'm not even there. I'm just like, you gotta get out of this place. We have reclaimed everything. We're not gonna make a big deal out of this, but you gotta get out of here. So I'm grabbing her stuff for her. I'm literally, she brought a cure rig machine. I'm holding a cure rig.

• 1:21:53Speaker 01

  That she stole from the last hotel.

• 1:21:55Speaker 06

  Probably. She's joking me about the weather. She's saying how much she loves our resort. And I'm just like, we gotta go, lady. I get her down the hallway, out to her car. As we're walking, she's detailing her plans to go to the next hotel down the street and check in. And I'm like, oh, God. So I get her in her car. I'm immediately calling the other hotel owner, because, you know, we're a small town and being like, hey, this is coming your way. Absolutely do not let this lady check in. Before I can even get off the phone, I'm beeping through with another call from our housekeeping manager and she's like, you need to get back up here right away.

• 1:22:26Speaker 01

  What the fuck?

• 1:22:27Speaker 06

  I'm like, did this lady sneak back in the other side? Like, what am I getting back into? So I hustle back up there. And I get in there and there's a team of housekeepers in there. They'd come in. It's already passed checkout. They're trying to get in there and clean the room. We've got a full hotel to flip over. And they are just shocked. I'm like, what's going on? They pull back the sheets and poop stains all over the sheets.

• 1:22:53Speaker 06

  The same bed Mr. Trombone Player was just laying in. We don't have cameras in the room, so we'll never know what really happened.

• 1:22:59Speaker 01

  So he was covered in the poop when he was in the sheets?

• 1:23:03Speaker 06

  There was just poop stains, like poop juice all over the sheets.

• 1:23:07Dax Shepard?

  Oh, baby.

• 1:23:09Speaker 06

  And I don't know if I was so freaked out by the situation of the theft originally that I didn't smell it, didn't notice it, like the balcony door was open. But I look down and there's one of the little maps we give out of our island that gives like tourist spots and restaurant recommendations. Somebody moves that with a gloved hand, pile of poop juice.

• 1:23:26Speaker 01

  Oh my god.

• 1:23:29Speaker 06

  Poop, washcloths, everything. But we deducted that they must have gotten absolutely hammered the night before, gone on a drunken rage of ransacking the hotel, and then probably celebrated with a big round of butt sacks right before they left.

• 1:23:42Speaker 01

  Yes, oh my god.

• 1:23:44Speaker 06

  Who else lays in those sheets? And you're not gonna lay in poop sheets if you're not a part of it.

• 1:23:48Speaker 01

  A hundred percent. By the way, we got on with you and we said we were just talking about naughty stuff. It was anal.

• 1:23:54Dax Shepard?

  It was that. It was someone walked in after their dad pounding mom bent over the bed. It was like 6:15 in the morning. And I said, well, no one would have anal sex in the morning, but now we're hearing this story.

• 1:24:04Speaker 01

  Yeah, well, we don't know if it was morning or night or yeah.

• 1:24:08Speaker 06

  Poop everywhere.

• 1:24:09Speaker 01

  Wow.

• 1:24:10Speaker 06

  That's the whole story. I mean, it ended in a good note. We have a great team. They clean the room. We have professional carpet cleaners, machines, like, we took care of it. All the guests were happy just to get their stuff back, so it was a happy ending.

• 1:24:22Speaker 01

  Oh my god, I wonder if there was any poop on any of the stuff?

• 1:24:26Dax Shepard?

  People are animals.

• 1:24:28Speaker 06

  It was nuts. It's been six, seven years since this story and we still call the trombone guy Roto-Rooter.

• 1:24:36Dax Shepard?

  So he stayed under your employ. Did you guys ever have any follow-up conversation about that whole sitch?

• 1:24:42Speaker 06

  He left the band for a few years and then he's been back recently. I don't give him shit. I just kinda give him a little side eye when I see him, like, I know.

• 1:24:50Speaker 01

  He has the audacity to show his face again?

• 1:24:53Dax Shepard?

  Well, I would say to him, listen, Carl, I'm gonna let you work here, but you shouldn't have sex with the guests. That's off the table. But if it does happen, be mildly respectful.

• 1:25:03Speaker 06

  Clean up a little bit.

• 1:25:04Speaker 01

  Clean up.

• 1:25:04Dax Shepard?

  Oh, wow.

• 1:25:06Speaker 06

  We had to throw away all the sheets, all the towels, you know, everything. I mean, the room got stripped down to bare bones and started over, but it was nasty.

• 1:25:14Dax Shepard?

  Oh, talk about insult to injury.

• 1:25:17Speaker 01

  This description is really something.

• 1:25:19Dax Shepard?

  This might not shock you, but in my 20 plus years in AA, this is the kind of story I hear. You know, this is generally someone's bottom.

• 1:25:26Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:25:27Dax Shepard?

  Pun intended.

• 1:25:30Speaker 06

  I just want to thank you guys for this. This was so much fun. I'm obsessed with your podcast. I listen every week, all the shows.

• 1:25:35Dax Shepard?

  Thank you. That was incredible. What a morning you had.

• 1:25:38Speaker 01

  I love that.

• 1:25:39Speaker 06

  Great start to my weekend.

• 1:25:41Dax Shepard?

  And all the guests, they were delighted when they got their stuff back. Everything was fine.

• 1:25:44Speaker 06

  Everybody was happy. Nobody caused a ruckus or anything. They were just happy to get their stuff and go to the beach that day.

• 1:25:49Dax Shepard?

  Oh God, that poor woman. She's really hanging on by a thread.

• 1:25:53Speaker 01

  Let's hope she turned it around.

• 1:25:54Speaker 06

  Yeah, hopefully she's doing better things with her life these days.

• 1:25:58Dax Shepard?

  Well, Brittany, thank you. That was a blast.

• 1:26:00Speaker 06

  Before I leave, my friend Heather, who was a part of the story, who turned me on to your podcast is here. Do you care if she says hi real quick?

• 1:26:06Dax Shepard?

  Of course. Let's say hi to Heather.

• 1:26:07Speaker 06

  She's our front desk manager. She was one of the ones that was a part of the beginning.

• 1:26:10Speaker 01

  Hi.

• 1:26:11Dax Shepard?

  Hi Heather.

• 1:26:12Speaker 06

  Oh my God, this is so exciting.

• 1:26:13Dax Shepard?

  Now, did you also go take a look at the wreckage in the bed? Or did you take everyone's word for it?

• 1:26:19Speaker 01

  You got eyes on that?

• 1:26:20Speaker 06

  I got eyes on all of it. It was pretty nasty.

• 1:26:24Speaker 01

  And would you also describe it as juice?

• 1:26:27Speaker 06

  Yeah, I would say juice and then some.

• 1:26:29Speaker 01

  Okay, sure.

• 1:26:30Dax Shepard?

  Well, so nice meeting both of you. This was incredible.

• 1:26:33Speaker 06

  You too. Thanks so much.

• 1:26:34Dax Shepard?

  Take care ladies.