D'Arcy Carden Returns

Actress D’Arcy Carden feels literally very happy about being Conan O’Brien’s friend. D’Arcy sits down with Conan once more to discuss childhood tales of musical theater and grandpa’s leg, coming up with her UCB contemporaries, and interacting with religious tradition from an adult point of view. Plus, Conan consults with legal expert David Melmed on the Star Search controversy. For Conan videos, tour dates and more visit TeamCoco.com. Got a question for Conan? Call our voicemail: (669) 587-2847.

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:03Conan O'Brien?

  One in four Americans targeted by scams ended up falling for them.

• 0:07Speaker 01

  I did.

• 0:07Conan O'Brien?

  For me, it would be four out of four. Did you fall for a scam?

• 0:09Speaker 01

  I fell for a scam once.

• 0:10Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, my God. Incredible.

• 0:11Speaker 01

  They didn't steal much.

• 0:12Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, still, you got taken for a ride.

• 0:15Speaker 01

  I did.

• 0:15Conan O'Brien?

  And you just put it out there that you're easy to scam.

• 0:17Speaker 01

  I am.

• 0:18Conan O'Brien?

  One accident, a little click, can expose your information, putting you at risk of identity theft.

• 0:22Speaker 01

  Mmm.

• 0:22Conan O'Brien?

  Thankfully, there's LifeLock. LifeLock has live, US-based restoration specialists who will be with you every step of the way to fix your identity theft from first alert to full restoration. Join now and save up to 30% off your first year. This is a good thing to have in your back pocket, don't you think?

• 0:38Speaker 01

  Yeah, I need this.

• 0:39Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, you do need it. You need it fast. Go to lifelock.com/conan. That's lifelock.com/conan to save 30%. Terms apply.

• 0:51Conan O'Brien?

  Now, Sona, clearly, I'm a very important person to you.

• 0:54Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 0:54Conan O'Brien?

  Just accept the premise and we'll move ahead.

• 0:56Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 0:57Conan O'Brien?

  I'm a very important person to you. What would you get me from Macy's for the holidays?

• 1:02Speaker 01

  A vase.

• 1:04Conan O'Brien?

  No, I don't want a vase. I want something better.

• 1:06Speaker 01

  A jacket.

• 1:08Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, nice jacket. I love a nice jacket.

• 1:09Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah, that jacket. Nice jacket.

• 1:10Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, so now you have to do it, because you said you would.

• 1:12Speaker 01

  Aw, man, I didn't know you were doing that.

• 1:14Conan O'Brien?

  Well, I know the holidays are months away, but it's never too early, Sona, to find gifts that I will love, gifts I will wear, and surprises that make the season unforgettable for me.

• 1:26Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 1:26Conan O'Brien?

  Macy's Gift Guide makes holiday shopping easy with beauty favorites, stylish fashion, jewelry, cozy essentials, must-have toys, home upgrades, and picks for every person on your list. Coach handbags, Breville appliances, Lego UG, and more, all in one place, so you can skip the scrolling and shop with confidence. Shop now in-store or online at macy's.com/giftguide.

• 1:51Speaker 01

  Hi, my name is Darcy Carden, and I feel

• 1:57Speaker 01

  literally very happy about being Conan O'Brien's friend.

• 2:00Conan O'Brien?

  That's so nice. I was afraid you were going to say compelled.

• 2:06Speaker 02

  Fall is here, hear the yell, back to school, ring the bell. Brand new shoes, walking loose, climb the fence, books and pens. I can tell that we are gonna be friends.

• 2:21Speaker 02

  I can tell that we are gonna be friends.

• 2:25Conan O'Brien?

  Hello and welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend. I'm joined by Matt Gourley. Good to see you, Matt. Hi. And joined by Sona Movsesian. And before we get started today, you loves you some television.

• 2:39Speaker 01

  I loves me some TV.

• 2:40Conan O'Brien?

  And you have a new fixation.

• 2:43Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 2:43Conan O'Brien?

  And you were very excited about it. I didn't even hear what it was. I saw you very animated talking to everybody here at the Lartre Mount headquarters. And so I said, whatever you're talking about, stop and let's preserve it on air.

• 2:56Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 2:57Conan O'Brien?

  I don't know what you're gonna say. I honestly don't. What is this new show you're watching? Tell us about it.

• 3:01Speaker 01

  I'm watching a new show that a lot of people are watching and it's called Heated Rivalry.

• 3:05Conan O'Brien?

  Heated Rivalry.

• 3:06Speaker 01

  And you've probably heard me talking a lot about butts.

• 3:09Conan O'Brien?

  I didn't hear the butts part.

• 3:10Speaker 01

  Oh, I was saying butts a lot.

• 3:12Conan O'Brien?

  That's any given day with you. Yeah.

• 3:13Speaker 01

  I know.

• 3:14Conan O'Brien?

  You could talk about the economy. You could talk about tariffs and it would be all butts.

• 3:21Conan O'Brien?

  How come we can't, I haven't seen as many butts these days. We're the German butts. Well, until the tariffs are lowered, those tariffs, I want those good German butts. What?

• 3:32Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 3:33Conan O'Brien?

  Okay, I don't know anything. Heated Rivalry, and what do you mean it's about butts? What's, what's happening?

• 3:38Speaker 01

  So it obviously is more than butts. It's these hockey players.

• 3:41Conan O'Brien?

  Don't say obviously. With you, it could just be.

• 3:44Speaker 01

  It could just be butts.

• 3:45Conan O'Brien?

  It could just be a screen with butts floating around and you'd be happy.

• 3:48Speaker 01

  If they had a show just called butts, I would watch that show.

• 3:51Conan O'Brien?

  You would have made that show. You'd be executive producer. Yeah. All right, so I will not interrupt you. Tell us about Heated Rivalry.

• 4:00Speaker 01

  So it's, it's about hockey players. They're professional hockey players and they're also gay. So, but they can't be out because they're professional athletes in a sport that isn't typically accepting of that. So it's very like. They have to hide it.

• 4:15Conan O'Brien?

  And they're on different teams?

• 4:16Speaker 01

  They're on different teams.

• 4:17Conan O'Brien?

  I guess that explains the title.

• 4:18Speaker 01

  They have to hide it.

• 4:19Conan O'Brien?

  Oh. Okay, so they're on different teams?

• 4:22Speaker 01

  Yeah, so they're like playing and then it'll cut to them doing it. And then they're like playing and then it'll cut to them doing it. And it's just like, doing it, hockey, doing it, hockey. And it's so much fun. And I think that you guys are not the demographic. And to be honest, I'm not really the demographic. But like when I-

• 4:41Conan O'Brien?

  Well, wait a minute, why do you say you're not the demographic?

• 4:43Speaker 01

  Because I'm a woman and I'm straight. Um, but I do think that the people that are watching the show are gay men and straight, older skewing women.

• 4:54Conan O'Brien?

  Because, and because the women want to see the butts?

• 4:56Speaker 01

  I love seeing these like hard bodies. And I like seeing them naked and then I like seeing them do it.

• 5:03Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 5:03Speaker 01

  And then, uh-

• 5:04Conan O'Brien?

  Well, how graphic is it?

• 5:06Speaker 01

  Is it as graphic as your hands doing this?

• 5:10Speaker 01

  My hands are butting each other. Butts.

• 5:12Conan O'Brien?

  Oh man, she's got it on the brain.

• 5:14Speaker 01

  No, there's just like, it, it's, um-

• 5:16Conan O'Brien?

  There's no J. Jonas cockaroo is what you're saying.

• 5:18Speaker 01

  There's no cockaroo yet.

• 5:19Conan O'Brien?

  Just say J. Jonas cockaroo.

• 5:20Speaker 01

  But hopefully fingers crossed-

• 5:21Conan O'Brien?

  Say J. Jonas cockaroo.

• 5:22Speaker 01

  I'm not gonna say J. Jonas- There's no J. Jonas cockaroo. There's no J. Jonas cockaroo. So there's no cockaroo in it yet, but fingers crossed there will be.

• 5:31Conan O'Brien?

  Do you think there'll ever be some Simus B. cockaroo?

• 5:33Speaker 01

  Stop, oh my god.

• 5:36Speaker 01

  How about Big Jim and the Twins? Oh, god, I hate talking about this with you guys. But you know, I used to go to like, my friends used to throw parties at gay bars and they were just for gay men. And, but I liked being in the corner and watching them just kind of dance and it was always fun. This is making me sound like such a pervert. Are you a creep? I am a creep. I don't know what it is about two dudes getting it on, but it's like they have like hard, tight bodies.

• 6:03Conan O'Brien?

  But can I ask you a question? And this is, these are, I think I'm doing a good job keeping this serious.

• 6:10Speaker 01

  Are you?

• 6:11Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, I veered off with J. Jonas cockaroo, but I held back when I didn't, I didn't say Hezekiah H. cockaroo.

• 6:18Conan O'Brien?

  Here's my question. What? Are you equally?

• 6:21Speaker 03

  What do you want to see Conan and I do?

• 6:22Conan O'Brien?

  Are you?

• 6:24Speaker 01

  Nothing.

• 6:24Conan O'Brien?

  Are you? Are you equally turned on by a really good-looking, hard-bodied man and woman doing it? Or would you prefer to watch two guys doing it?

• 6:35Speaker 01

  That's a good question.

• 6:36Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, I know.

• 6:37Speaker 01

  Let me ponder for a second. Um, I think.

• 6:40Conan O'Brien?

  Is the woman a distraction to you? Do you like?

• 6:44Speaker 01

  I appreciate it.

• 6:45Conan O'Brien?

  Two guys because it's two of what you like to see?

• 6:48Speaker 01

  I think that it's, part of it is because it's, it's taboo. It's not, it's not okay, so they have to be secret about it. If a guy and a girl are doing it and it's like secret, like, oh, we shouldn't be doing this. That's, that, that's good for me, too. I'll take that, too.

• 7:01Conan O'Brien?

  Right.

• 7:02Speaker 01

  But I like that it's like, oh, no, we're hockey players. We shouldn't do it, but let's do it.

• 7:07Conan O'Brien?

  Is that how they talk?

• 7:08Speaker 01

  No.

• 7:09Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, no. We're hockey players, we shouldn't be doing it. Well, time to get back on the ice.

• 7:19Speaker 03

  Oh, no, a hat trick.

• 7:22Speaker 01

  He says hat trick in one of the episodes.

• 7:23Conan O'Brien?

  Does he say hat trick?

• 7:24Speaker 01

  Yeah, they say it.

• 7:24Speaker 03

  You mean because he had, he finished three times?

• 7:26Speaker 01

  Oh, no, because he like did a hat trick in a hockey game.

• 7:29Conan O'Brien?

  Don't act like that was a serious question. You said, no, I'm being serio-. No, you weren't.

• 7:34Speaker 03

  Yes, I was.

• 7:35Conan O'Brien?

  No.

• 7:36Speaker 01

  What's a hat trick when you're doing it? Like, you jizz three times?

• 7:38Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 7:39Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 7:39Speaker 03

  Three, three-timer jizz fest.

• 7:41Conan O'Brien?

  I don't think they've ever. Have people said that in relation to?

• 7:46Speaker 03

  I have no idea.

• 7:46Conan O'Brien?

  Then shut up! What the hell is he talking about?

• 7:49Speaker 03

  Maybe it's they finish in a hat.

• 7:51Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, nice.

• 7:52Speaker 01

  Oh, okay.

• 7:53Speaker 03

  I just wanted to say, Sona, Sona and I were talking about heated rivalry earlier. And you kept making the point, I'm not the audience for this show. I'm not the audience for this show. And then I said, but Jiggleows is like, probably your favorite show of all time. You're exactly the audience for this show.

• 8:07Speaker 01

  Jiggleows is not my favorite show of all time, but I love Jiggleows. But Jiggleows is men with women.

• 8:12Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 8:13Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 8:14Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, no. The point is that she, listen, Sona's on record from the day I met you as liking to, you enjoy a, a naked male body.

• 8:22Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 8:23Conan O'Brien?

  But, here's what's interesting to me, and I, I want to get specific here. I get the sense that you like to see a man's naked butt, uh, but you're, you're not, and maybe this is true of all women. The, the Jay Jonas or the, the Kylie.

• 8:38Speaker 03

  Call him Hezaka, he's already.

• 8:39Conan O'Brien?

  No, no, the Kylie T. Cockaroo is not as.

• 8:44Conan O'Brien?

  Essential, like, that's not a part that women visually are as interested in. Is that correct, or am I wrong?

• 8:48Speaker 01

  I, that is actually very correct.

• 8:50Conan O'Brien?

  I'm just going off my experience of, you know, and this is back in the days when I was single, but I would, you know, walk in, or my pants were off, and women would say, "Oh, my god, no one needs to see that."

• 9:03Conan O'Brien?

  And I would say, "Oh, I guess male genitalia is something that's not attracted to women." And then they would always say, "No." I love, if I'm with a guy for the first time, I love seeing their genitalia. In this particular instance, I want to cone vomit into a sieve and watch the juices drain out Oh, god. amidst the peas, the carrots, and the little undigested marshmallows of Lucky Charms.

• 9:31Speaker 01

  Oh, my god.

• 9:32Conan O'Brien?

  But that's just me talking from my, my experience. Is that what you've experienced, as a woman?

• 9:39Speaker 01

  Oh, my god. Um, no.

• 9:42Conan O'Brien?

  Remember that time we were on the road, and you were helping me out, and I was taking a shower, and you thought, "I didn't know anyone was there," and I stepped out, and you saw me, and you said, "Jesus fucking Christ," this is a quote from you, "that ain't no cock." And then you said, "What happened, bro? You in the, you in the war?" Remember that? Farm accident? Yeah. Remember that?

• 10:04Speaker 01

  No, and I think, uh, just to clarify, I've never seen you get out of the shower.

• 10:08Conan O'Brien?

  Yes, that was, that was, that was, uh, that was a joke. That was a, uh, that was sort of an image to, uh, kind of amuse the listener. But nothing based in fact. But let's get this straight. Seeing a bunch of butts, male butts, fine.

• 10:23Speaker 01

  Hard bodies are good.

• 10:24Conan O'Brien?

  But you don't need to see stuff swinging around.

• 10:25Speaker 01

  I could do hard bodies. I don't, you know, if it's well lit, I don't mind it.

• 10:30Conan O'Brien?

  What does that mean?

• 10:31Speaker 01

  Yeah, you know, if it's, if it's like...

• 10:33Conan O'Brien?

  You mean tastefully lit, as opposed to bright neon lights?

• 10:35Speaker 01

  Well, also, you know, uh, back in the day, I remember we did a segment, and we kind of gave out this fake email address for me, but then they actually made it an email address. And then I checked it a few times, me and a few people checked it, and there were quite a few dick pics in there that people had sent. Yeah.

• 10:51Conan O'Brien?

  But they were all asking for medical advice.

• 10:55Conan O'Brien?

  To be fair. No, no, that's cystic. That's just a cyst.

• 11:00Speaker 04

  Some are missing boasters. Have you seen this dick?

• 11:03Conan O'Brien?

  You know, when a cock goes missing, it's heartbreaking.

• 11:05Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 11:06Conan O'Brien?

  And sometimes the cock shows up later on and it's grown up.

• 11:08Speaker 01

  Oh, God.

• 11:10Speaker 04

  Has a new name.

• 11:11Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 11:11Speaker 01

  I don't need those.

• 11:12Conan O'Brien?

  You don't need it, right?

• 11:13Speaker 01

  But if it pops up on heated rivalry, I will happily accept it into my life.

• 11:17Conan O'Brien?

  I'm just asking this from my own personal edification. What is good lighting for a penis?

• 11:22Speaker 01

  Well, I think a lot of guys-

• 11:23Conan O'Brien?

  For say, a man my age. What lighting would help it?

• 11:26Speaker 04

  Um, no lighting.

• 11:27Conan O'Brien?

  Well, that's what I'm thinking.

• 11:28Speaker 01

  Yeah, just complete pitch darkness.

• 11:30Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 11:30Speaker 01

  I think is a good way to do it.

• 11:31Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 11:32Speaker 01

  And then just send a picture of a black screen and don't take a picture of anything.

• 11:36Speaker 04

  Pitch black lighting, but then hand them none of those night vision goggles.

• 11:40Conan O'Brien?

  Like Silence of the Lambs.

• 11:41Speaker 04

  And she's gonna be terrified going out and like, get out of here.

• 11:44Conan O'Brien?

  And there's a weird Irish penis wandering around in the dark.

• 11:49Speaker 01

  I'm gonna getcha. I'm gonna getcha. Wait, why is it speaking? I'm gonna getcha. I'm gonna getcha.

• 11:57Conan O'Brien?

  Adam, you look squeamish. What's wrong? I think this is some of our best stuff yet, and you look like you just got off a Twilto World.

• 12:03Speaker 04

  I've been enjoying it quite a bit.

• 12:04Conan O'Brien?

  I don't think you are.

• 12:05Speaker 04

  I'm loving it.

• 12:06Speaker 01

  Twilto World. Is nobody else watching? None of you are even slightly curious about the show everyone's talking about?

• 12:12Conan O'Brien?

  I guess I'm bi-curious.

• 12:13Speaker 01

  It's okay.

• 12:14Conan O'Brien?

  No, no, I haven't heard of it. I don't know anything about it.

• 12:17Speaker 01

  All right. I don't know if I believe you.

• 12:19Conan O'Brien?

  Well, I mean, I would proudly tell you I've been watching and that I loves me some butts, but I don't know anything about it.

• 12:25Speaker 01

  All right, well-

• 12:26Conan O'Brien?

  How big is this thing, Blade? Remember, you're speaking into a microphone.

• 12:31Speaker 01

  Yeah, you got it real loud.

• 12:32Conan O'Brien?

  You have your mouth over it like you're bringing it to climax. Just settle down.

• 12:36Speaker 03

  Like I'm on heated rivalry.

• 12:37Conan O'Brien?

  You know, that's not a Hezekiah H cockaroo. Just remember, and then speak in the way you would if you weren't yelling at a plane in an airport. Go.

• 12:46Speaker 03

  It is a cultural phenomenon, and I will say it's based on a series of books, and I really want to check out the books.

• 12:52Conan O'Brien?

  Well, I'm just saying. You know what?

• 12:54Speaker 01

  I'm a big reader.

• 12:55Conan O'Brien?

  You took our most erotic talk yet and completely de-chised it.

• 13:02Conan O'Brien?

  You just, you know what? I gotta tell you something. I gotta tell you something. People are talking about, you know what? I'd like to read it in book form.

• 13:07Speaker 03

  I'm just saying.

• 13:08Speaker 04

  I just watch it for the articles.

• 13:10Speaker 03

  If the book comes first, it's usually better. And I think if the book, if this, you know. Boo. No, what? I'm, I'm being serious.

• 13:16Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, yeah, that's the sad part. Okay. Settle down, you guys. You know what? This conversation has been atrocious. And I blame all of you. At least I tried to elevate it by giving various penis references. Wonderful old 19th century names. Eustace P. Hak hakarakaroo. All right. My guest today is an extremely talented actress who has starred in such TV series as The Good Place, Barry and Broad City. I'm delighted. I'm delighted she is with us today. She's a friend. She's hilarious. She's so talented.

• 13:58Conan O'Brien?

  D'Arcy Carden, welcome.

• 14:03Conan O'Brien?

  I'm gonna just say it out front. D'Arcy's one of my favorite people.

• 14:07Speaker 05

  Come on.

• 14:07Conan O'Brien?

  And you know I love you to death. And you're one of my favorite people. And we've said this before, but I met you long before the world knew about D'Arcy Carden. I met you when you were a receptionist.

• 14:17Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 14:18Conan O'Brien?

  At some business. And I came in and.

• 14:22Speaker 05

  And Conan'd the hell up.

• 14:23Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, I was so Conan-y with you because I was like, this woman behind the desk is really funny. And they kept calling me in like, Conan, you need to come in.

• 14:33Speaker 05

  Conan, check out these rug samples.

• 14:34Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, rug samples and these architectural drawings. And I'm like, I'll be right there with you. I gotta talk to this receptionist first. Now, listen here. We've gotta solve this crime, see?

• 14:44Speaker 05

  And I'm like, he's doing it. He's doing the thing that I love.

• 14:48Conan O'Brien?

  He's as sick as I thought he was. But I'm so happy you're here. And, and as I said, I just needed that, that shot of the D'Arcy Carden.

• 14:57Speaker 05

  Oh, my God.

• 14:58Conan O'Brien?

  Energy.

• 14:58Speaker 05

  I love you and I love you guys. It's so fun to be here. I was telling you, I was, I, I, I was on a plane this morning that would usually deter me from being on camera and being in front of people. I'm like, oh, you know, take the day off or whatever. But when I heard this was the day, I was like, yeah, I'm gonna be there. Because this is not.

• 15:14Conan O'Brien?

  This is not work.

• 15:14Speaker 05

  I don't feel compelled. That's true. But I feel, I, I'm so happy to be here. The last time we did this in here, where was it? Was pre-COVID.

• 15:23Conan O'Brien?

  Were we at?

• 15:24Speaker 05

  Yes, we were at.

• 15:25Conan O'Brien?

  Earwolf, I think.

• 15:25Speaker 05

  Earwolf, yeah, yeah.

• 15:26Conan O'Brien?

  Earwolf. Studios.

• 15:27Speaker 05

  Yeah, we did it right before covid and then it came out during.

• 15:30Conan O'Brien?

  Some say we started covid.

• 15:31Speaker 05

  No, a lot of people say that.

• 15:32Conan O'Brien?

  I remember you sneezed and I and I used a crudely made fan to push it out the window. And then other people started sneezing.

• 15:39Speaker 05

  I know.

• 15:39Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, and then we blamed China. I remember that was.

• 15:42Speaker 05

  Fuck. Oh, fuck, she said. Oh, fuck, she said.

• 15:47Conan O'Brien?

  You covered up my gaff, Sona. Oh, fuck.

• 15:52Speaker 05

  The resonance on that, that was gorgeous.

• 15:57Conan O'Brien?

  I'm so curious about so many things. First of all, I know you grew up in the Bay Area. And here's the question I always have. Why don't we all go live in the Bay Area?

• 16:06Speaker 05

  That's a great question.

• 16:07Conan O'Brien?

  Because I'm from Boston. I like LA a lot.

• 16:12Speaker 05

  Right.

• 16:12Conan O'Brien?

  But I'm always wishing, I like LA, but I wish it was kind of misty. And I wish it was cold at night. I wish it rained. I wish it had some architecture that went a little further back than. I think the oldest structure in Los Angeles is from 1991.

• 16:30Conan O'Brien?

  And so, and there is a place like that. San Francisco's kind of a Boston, sort of, without that accent.

• 16:36Speaker 05

  I know. It's so great there. And then all the, all the little cities around it, Berkeley and Oakland and Alameda. And it's, it's really, my hus- Jason, my husband, he says hello to everybody.

• 16:46Conan O'Brien?

  First of all, major man crush on your husband.

• 16:49Speaker 05

  The feeling is huge.

• 16:50Conan O'Brien?

  That is a funny, good looking fella.

• 16:51Speaker 05

  He is cute. He remains cute.

• 16:54Conan O'Brien?

  You know, yeah, yeah. Oh, fuck. I totally get you. Oh, fuck. Sona, take it easy.

• 17:02Speaker 01

  Yeah, fuck yeah, Dorsey's husband. What's his name?

• 17:06Speaker 05

  Jason.

• 17:06Speaker 01

  Jason.

• 17:07Speaker 05

  And whenever we're up there visiting my family, we, we did this months, a few months ago, we were in San Francisco and we were driving through these streets and we were like, no, but could we just live here?

• 17:17Conan O'Brien?

  Yes, I think the same thing sometimes because they also have Dr. Seuss trees.

• 17:21Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 17:21Conan O'Brien?

  They have really good food.

• 17:23Speaker 01

  It's beautiful.

• 17:23Conan O'Brien?

  And it's beautiful. And the times I've had to go up there recently for different work things, I'll be in the Bay Area and I'll start to think the same thing. Like, why don't we just move this whole project up to the Bay Area? I could. Get those tech bro vests.

• 17:38Speaker 05

  Those tech bro vests.

• 17:39Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, and then we could have a startup that fails miserably, but walk around and say we're tech bros.

• 17:45Speaker 05

  The dream.

• 17:45Conan O'Brien?

  The dream.

• 17:47Speaker 05

  You think you could be a tech bro?

• 17:48Conan O'Brien?

  No, no, I mean, I'm gonna dress as a tech bro, and I'm gonna have the hubris.

• 17:52Speaker 05

  Yes.

• 17:53Conan O'Brien?

  And I'm gonna have, I'm gonna be a dicky tech bro, but know nothing about tech.

• 17:58Speaker 05

  Yes.

• 17:59Conan O'Brien?

  People are gonna see me struggling to just make a phone call on my phone, but I'm gonna say I'm working on something called Comtech. You know.

• 18:07Speaker 05

  A billion shares.

• 18:09Conan O'Brien?

  A billion shares. Yeah, and you're gonna be my vice president of sales, and Gori's gonna be the lord high emperor.

• 18:16Speaker 04

  I've already quit. Thank you, though. Thank you.

• 18:18Conan O'Brien?

  No, I just made up the scenario in my head, and you're out?

• 18:20Speaker 04

  No, I'm out looking at the View to a Kill filming locations.

• 18:23Conan O'Brien?

  Oh my god. Okay, well, anyway, we would have a really good time in Sony. You'd come to, I mean, I think you'd like it there.

• 18:28Speaker 01

  I love San Francisco, but the weather is actually a, no, it's a deal breaker for me.

• 18:33Conan O'Brien?

  Listen, I know San Francisco municipal government might be interested in giving us an incentive, like a huge tax break or giving us homes, because this is a sizable operation, isn't it, Adam?

• 18:44Speaker 05

  Homes?

• 18:44Speaker 04

  Homes?

• 18:44Conan O'Brien?

  Okay, I'm back in.

• 18:45Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 18:46Speaker 04

  It's a very sizable operation.

• 18:47Speaker 05

  They might give you a home.

• 18:47Speaker 04

  Yeah, I think we could get a subsidy.

• 18:49Conan O'Brien?

  I am willing to move to the Bay Area. No offense, LA, I love you, but I wanna wear a tech bro vest.

• 18:54Speaker 05

  Yeah, and it's the only place you can get them.

• 18:56Conan O'Brien?

  That's true. You know what? I've tried to buy them other, I tried, tried to buy one. I think I was in Cleveland, and they were saying, "This is not San Francisco." They got really mad at me.

• 19:08Speaker 05

  It is funny. I mean, growing up in the Bay Area in the 90s, it wasn't tech bro land. Although, maybe, I mean, I'm sure it was becoming that, because I guess that's my Apple, Microsoft, was that there?

• 19:17Speaker 04

  Old school Silicon Valley style.

• 19:19Conan O'Brien?

  No, Microsoft is Seattle.

• 19:20Speaker 05

  Seattle.

• 19:21Speaker 04

  Yeah, but Apple.

• 19:22Speaker 05

  But Apple was like.

• 19:23Speaker 04

  Yeah, Apple was there. Cupertino?

• 19:24Speaker 05

  Cupertino.

• 19:25Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 19:26Speaker 05

  Yeah, but it was, god, I loved growing up in the Bay Area. And, and almost my whole family is still there, so we're there all the time. I'll be there for, for Christmas.

• 19:34Conan O'Brien?

  Wait a minute, would you be honest here? Let's say we did move up there. Would you cohabit, would you live with, in an apartment, a fairly small apartment, would you and Jason live with me and Liza?

• 19:47Speaker 05

  Yeah, we would.

• 19:47Conan O'Brien?

  Okay.

• 19:48Speaker 05

  No, we would. We would.

• 19:49Speaker 01

  You don't wanna think about it?

• 19:50Speaker 05

  No, we would.

• 19:52Conan O'Brien?

  And what I'm talking about is a bunk bed with four beds, like the Three Stooges have.

• 19:57Speaker 04

  Husband and wives are not even sleeping together.

• 19:59Speaker 05

  They don't even sleep together.

• 20:00Conan O'Brien?

  Well, no.

• 20:01Speaker 05

  It goes, it goes.

• 20:02Conan O'Brien?

  Once you've been married for two years.

• 20:05Conan O'Brien?

  No, anyway, you know, it's.

• 20:06Speaker 04

  Two years?

• 20:06Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 20:08Conan O'Brien?

  Two months. No, I'm kidding. But, um, no, I just would love it if we lived together and then in the morning, and whoever's up towards the top, there's a pole and you get to slide down.

• 20:17Speaker 05

  Yeah, I go, here I go.

• 20:18Conan O'Brien?

  Here I come, and I go.

• 20:20Speaker 05

  I just slick up the pole.

• 20:22Conan O'Brien?

  And Liza, who's left by that point.

• 20:24Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 20:24Conan O'Brien?

  Cause she is, like Gourley has said, I'm out.

• 20:27Speaker 04

  Yeah, Liza and I are living together at this point.

• 20:30Conan O'Brien?

  In a different bunk bed.

• 20:31Speaker 05

  In San Francisco?

• 20:32Speaker 04

  No, we found our own city, but it's undisclosed.

• 20:34Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 20:35Speaker 05

  I love Liza.

• 20:36Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 20:36Speaker 05

  Yeah, we love Liza.

• 20:37Speaker 04

  So do I.

• 20:40Conan O'Brien?

  To quote, to quote. It's okay. I like this riff. Maybe it's not a riff.

• 20:46Speaker 04

  I'm sorry.

• 20:47Conan O'Brien?

  As Sona often says to me, Liza's the only part of you I like.

• 20:52Speaker 05

  My favorite thing about you.

• 20:53Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 20:54Speaker 05

  She's pretty special.

• 20:55Conan O'Brien?

  But, uh, this is, but I just, I'm fascinated with you, Bay Area.

• 21:00Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 21:00Conan O'Brien?

  And, um, and then you, you turned out so funny.

• 21:04Speaker 05

  Hmm.

• 21:04Conan O'Brien?

  I'm thinking, is this something that's in the water or is this more of a situation like, I mean, I never know what this comes from.

• 21:12Speaker 05

  I know. Well, I think it's, thank you for saying I'm funny. I think it's, um.

• 21:16Conan O'Brien?

  Well, we're taking that part out.

• 21:17Speaker 05

  Okay, so this will make no sense.

• 21:21Speaker 05

  I think it stems back from, it is from family. So I don't know if that's, I don't think that's Bay Area specific, but it's like, it's like Keeping Up With Funny Aunts and Uncles.

• 21:32Conan O'Brien?

  Yes.

• 21:32Speaker 05

  Oh my God, did that feel good. You know what I mean? Making your funniest uncle laugh.

• 21:36Conan O'Brien?

  Making adults laugh.

• 21:38Speaker 05

  Yes.

• 21:38Conan O'Brien?

  You feel like you, you're Robert Redford in The Natural, hitting the lights and they explode.

• 21:42Speaker 05

  Yes.

• 21:43Conan O'Brien?

  It's the same thing.

• 21:43Speaker 05

  It is the same thing. I know, and I had different types of, I'm really like, my aunts and uncles were very funny, are very funny. And it was different types of comedy and I feel like I learned a lot of different types of ways to be funny from them and, and, um, they, yeah. Making, making my Uncle Mike laugh. Holy shit, did that feel good. Still does. Oh my God.

• 22:03Conan O'Brien?

  So then at some point, you've got, you must be a theater kid.

• 22:06Speaker 05

  Theater kid. Started doing plays when I was like nine and that was kinda game over. Isn't that weird? That's too young to know that. But I really was like, this is it. This is why I've, this is why I'm here.

• 22:17Conan O'Brien?

  Right.

• 22:17Speaker 05

  I gotta be on stage. I gotta be doing plays. I gotta be doing like just whatever, whatever community theater play is, is, is up next. I'm in it. And, and that led me to, you know, majoring in theater in, in, in college. And it was really just so tunnel vision to theater, theater, theater.

• 22:32Conan O'Brien?

  Are you doing musical theater?

• 22:33Speaker 05

  Yeah, musical theater.

• 22:34Conan O'Brien?

  What kind of shows are we talking about?

• 22:35Speaker 05

  We're talking about, okay, let's start with, we got Guys and Dolls, we got Little Abner, we got Cabaret, we got, um, an original musical called Let's Go to the Movies and yeah, Let's Go to the Movies 2.

• 22:48Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, wow.

• 22:49Speaker 04

  Was this written by someone at the school?

• 22:51Speaker 05

  It was written by a, like a childhood friend that I did theater with, but when we were in our twenties.

• 22:57Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, lovely.

• 22:58Speaker 05

  Yeah. It was one of those plays that it was in like, it was in a community theater in, in the Bay Area and we were like, well, this is the best. It, so many of the plays are like this where you're like, I think this is actually the best play that's ever been in this theater. And then with a few years removed, you're like, oh, that, that was dog shit. That might've been dog shit.

• 23:16Speaker 05

  But at the time, you know, it feels great.

• 23:18Conan O'Brien?

  And you were in, I think you were in Good Man Charlie Brown.

• 23:21Speaker 05

  I wa, oh my God, Conan? I mean, obviously you just Googled something, but that was cool.

• 23:24Conan O'Brien?

  No, I didn't Google that.

• 23:25Speaker 04

  He was, he was at the production.

• 23:26Conan O'Brien?

  I do not. I was there. I was a scout.

• 23:28Speaker 05

  Oh, my God.

• 23:29Conan O'Brien?

  That kid's going places. Sir, you have to leave.

• 23:33Conan O'Brien?

  Sir, why are you here? She's nine. You're under arrest.

• 23:36Speaker 04

  I want her on my podcast.

• 23:38Conan O'Brien?

  What's the podcast?

• 23:39Speaker 04

  You'll find out.

• 23:41Conan O'Brien?

  You'll find out. Now Back to the Future.

• 23:43Speaker 05

  Your tech bro vest is on fire.

• 23:44Conan O'Brien?

  I know.

• 23:47Conan O'Brien?

  That's the company I'm gonna start. Time travel.

• 23:49Speaker 05

  Yeah, I, that was my first, that was my first.

• 23:51Conan O'Brien?

  And who were you?

• 23:52Speaker 05

  I was Lucy.

• 23:53Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, that's okay. That's cool.

• 23:54Speaker 05

  And that's such a, you know, that's when, that, yeah, good gig. I got paid in absolute nothing. Cause it was a school play. Yeah, but Lucy. Um, I, and that was like, you try something that you wanna do and then they say, good job. And then that's it. For me, I just need a little bit of this and then I'm like, okay.

• 24:13Conan O'Brien?

  That's the dopamine.

• 24:14Speaker 05

  Yeah, that's the dopamine.

• 24:22Conan O'Brien?

  You know, winning an award, that's a big achievement, right?

• 24:25Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 24:25Conan O'Brien?

  Every now and then in life, maybe something nice like that comes your way. Winning them consistently is almost impossible. It just doesn't happen, you know? Well, guess what? Winning five times in six years? You know what that sounds like to me? Sustained excellence.

• 24:39Speaker 01

  Nice.

• 24:40Conan O'Brien?

  Hyundai has done just that, earning the title of America's best SUV brand for 2026 from US News and World Report. You are a very happy Hyundai driver.

• 24:48Speaker 01

  I drive a Hyundai Palisade and I love my car. I love it. I love driving it around.

• 24:53Conan O'Brien?

  I've been tooling around in an Ioniq 5 N, which I love. Beautiful car. Well, listen, whether you need an SUV for everyday life, your next big adventure, or extra room for family and friends, Hyundai has an option for you. The Tucson Hybrid is loaded with technology and built for everyday life. The Santa Fe Hybrid's fully capable and ready for adventure. The Palisade, that's yours, right?

• 25:12Speaker 01

  Hello!

• 25:13Conan O'Brien?

  They're gonna rename that the Sona. The Palisade Hybrid, yeah, delivers premium capability and class-leading interior space. With available, I have this memorized, H-Track all-wheel drive, up to an EPA-estimated 619 miles of range on vehicles like the Palisade Hybrid and Hyundai's industry-leading warranty, it's easy to see why Hyundai continues to deliver the quality, innovation, technology, and value drivers expect from an award-winning brand. View US News Best Cars at cars.usnews.com and call 562-314-4603 for complete details.

• 25:47Conan O'Brien?

  Owning a car or home comes with responsibilities. Sure, it's fun, but sometimes it makes you wonder why you ever longed for adulthood in the first place. I do that all the time. I'm like, oh, these bills, these bills. What am I gonna do?

• 25:59Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 25:59Conan O'Brien?

  You know, when you own a house, you gotta fix it yourself. Sona, you see this to be true, right?

• 26:03Speaker 01

  Yeah, your garage door breaks and you're like, well, I have to fix it.

• 26:07Conan O'Brien?

  Probably at first you said, hey, I'll get the super to fix it. It's your house, dude.

• 26:10Speaker 01

  It's mine, dude!

• 26:11Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah. Liberty Mutual customizes your car and home insurance to save you money. In fact, they work overtime to tailor your insurance policy around what you actually need. The only thing they can't do is get that Liberty, Liberty, Liberty, Liberty jingle out of your head.

• 26:24Speaker 01

  Liberty, Liberty, Liberty.

• 26:25Conan O'Brien?

  It's in my head all the time.

• 26:27Speaker 01

  Yeah, me too.

• 26:27Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah. Start your quote at libertymutual.com.

• 26:34Conan O'Brien?

  Coca-Cola Zero Sugar is so good. It's almost impossible not to finish it before the meal arrives. It's just too good to wait. That happens to me sometimes.

• 26:42Speaker 05

  Me too.

• 26:43Conan O'Brien?

  You can try rules like no sipping until the appetizer arrives, or you tell your friend, "Don't let me touch my glass." But every time you're staring at an empty glass. So if you've ever finished your Coke Zero before the first fry hits the table, you're among friends. It happens. Occupational hazard with Coke Zero.

• 27:00Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 27:01Conan O'Brien?

  Real Coca-Cola taste, zero sugar, too good to wait. Enjoy an ice cold Coca-Cola Zero Sugar today.

• 27:14Speaker 05

  I remember so much about that show. I was nine years old. I remember, I remember my grandpa had just had surgery to

• 27:23Speaker 05

  have a leg removed.

• 27:26Conan O'Brien?

  Is this cosmetic?

• 27:30Conan O'Brien?

  This thing's in the way.

• 27:31Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 27:31Conan O'Brien?

  Why, too?

• 27:32Speaker 05

  Why, too?

• 27:34Conan O'Brien?

  I wonder it all the time.

• 27:35Speaker 05

  I know. Everyone in this room has that.

• 27:38Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 27:39Speaker 05

  Anyway, and, and, um, but he came to the play in a wheelchair and, and he and my grandma came in a, in a limo, like an 80s style limo, because that was kind of the only thing that he could get in. Anyway, I remember that so clearly and it's all coming back to me.

• 27:53Conan O'Brien?

  How could you forget that?

• 27:54Speaker 05

  I know, I know. And, um, I remember my parents and my grandma and my grandpa being in a place where I could see them and I was singing a solo. I sang the wrong part. I looked at the piano player for help and she gave me the next line. And I, and in front of everybody, I went, "I already said that part." And everybody laughed and it was a bit of a moment.

• 28:14Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, good. So you turned around.

• 28:16Speaker 05

  It was very lucid.

• 28:17Conan O'Brien?

  So it went well, it didn't go badly?

• 28:19Speaker 05

  It didn't go badly. I mean, it was like, I wasn't trying to be funny, but...

• 28:21Conan O'Brien?

  I thought it went badly and your grandfather stood, your grandfather shouted.

• 28:25Speaker 05

  You were about to say stood.

• 28:26Conan O'Brien?

  Your grandfather shouted. Your grandfather was hope to his one foot and shouted, "This is the worst thing that's happened to me in memory."

• 28:37Conan O'Brien?

  Well, I'm glad I took his malady and to turn it into my joy.

• 28:41Speaker 05

  I want to tell you another story about my grandpa and losing his leg. I remember when my mom told me that this was gonna happen. Grandpa had surgery and they had to remove his leg. I remember going to visit him at the hospital and, um, and, okay, so if you're grandpa.

• 28:55Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 28:56Speaker 05

  You're in the bed, in the hospital bed.

• 28:58Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 28:58Speaker 05

  And she was like, "Don't mention it, guys, kids, don't mention it."

• 29:02Conan O'Brien?

  He doesn't know.

• 29:03Speaker 05

  You know what I mean? You gotta mention how the leg is missing? Sing a Christmas carol or something like that, just like, keep it happy. And I just remember like, if this is the way your body would be. I remember like, standing on his bedside and kind of staring at his face and just being like.

• 29:17Conan O'Brien?

  And you put your hand down where the leg would be?

• 29:19Speaker 05

  Just to sort of be like, "Yeah, it's gone, it's definitely gone, there's no leg there." That's what I remember.

• 29:24Conan O'Brien?

  Did it ever come up after that? Did you ever bring it up?

• 29:26Speaker 05

  Well, he died.

• 29:27Speaker 01

  I knew it!

• 29:28Speaker 05

  And that's gonna happen with grandpas. I know.

• 29:30Conan O'Brien?

  Well, they all die eventually, but was it the loss of the leg that?

• 29:33Speaker 05

  I don't, I think it was pretty soon after that. Oh.

• 29:36Conan O'Brien?

  But not related to the thing I've been joking about?

• 29:39Speaker 05

  That would make me feel bad.

• 29:40Conan O'Brien?

  I want an autopsy, I'm a guy who hires forensic scientists to do autopsies just to make sure the thing I was joking about was not the thing that killed. That's offensive. That's a new crime show that I do.

• 29:51Speaker 05

  That's so funny. But not the thing I was joking about, right? That's so funny.

• 29:54Speaker 01

  My grandpa had one leg too.

• 29:55Speaker 05

  For his whole time being your grandpa?

• 29:57Speaker 01

  Well, no, he, yeah, for the whole time I've been my grandpa. So I never got to do the whole like, coming to the hospital and seeing.

• 30:02Speaker 05

  Right.

• 30:03Speaker 01

  One leg missing.

• 30:04Conan O'Brien?

  Got to.

• 30:04Speaker 05

  Yeah, I'm sorry, I know.

• 30:06Conan O'Brien?

  I never got to go to the circus. Or see my newly legless grandpa.

• 30:10Speaker 05

  Were they wrong? No, I'm sorry.

• 30:12Conan O'Brien?

  She did, she made it sound so good.

• 30:14Speaker 01

  Yeah, you kind of were bragging. I was like, "Oh, my grandpa had one leg too."

• 30:17Conan O'Brien?

  It was kind of a brag.

• 30:18Speaker 05

  I'm so sorry.

• 30:19Conan O'Brien?

  You were like, "I was there when it was a fresh wound." "I can't believe I had grandparents that both had their legs."

• 30:25Speaker 05

  So to you, grandpas just had one leg.

• 30:26Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, I just thought that's how grandpas were, but they have two.

• 30:30Conan O'Brien?

  Right.

• 30:30Speaker 01

  Some have two.

• 30:31Conan O'Brien?

  Yes, no, they do.

• 30:33Speaker 05

  Yeah. Some have none.

• 30:34Speaker 01

  That's true.

• 30:35Speaker 05

  Which leads us to Conan's movie. Which I haven't seen yet, so let's not talk about it.

• 30:40Conan O'Brien?

  Okay.

• 30:40Speaker 05

  But I can't wait to see it.

• 30:41Conan O'Brien?

  If I had legs, I'd kick you.

• 30:43Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 30:43Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah? You know, I think there was this miraculous thing. I didn't know this, but I love trying to figure out the story of people who I really adore, and how did they come to be? Because this, I refuse to believe that there's a world where you would not have risen to fame. I do think that it's inevitable if you have your abilities and your personality. So, all of that was gonna happen, but what was interesting to me is always how it happened. I didn't realize it was Broad City.

• 31:17Speaker 05

  Yeah. I, I came up at the Upper Citizens Brigade with Abby and Alana. So, I knew them, and, and Paul and Lucia, these, I should say last names. Abby Jacobson, Alana Glazer, Paul W. Downs, Lucia and Yellow.

• 31:29Conan O'Brien?

  Okay.

• 31:29Speaker 05

  Paul and Lucia do hacks, but they were also writers and directors on Broad City. So, those were my people coming up at UCB. Those were like, in line to audition for the team with them and, and, you know. Did that sentence make sense? It did.

• 31:42Conan O'Brien?

  It does.

• 31:43Speaker 05

  I'm thinking of a memory. In line with Abby to like, audition for our first Harold team, things like that. So, so when they got the chance to make this TV show, they put me in the pilot. It was just a small part, but I hadn't been in a TV show before. And then, when the show got picked up, they had to really rework the pilot, and I got cut out of it. And they put me in another, it gave me a different role in another episode. Like, they just kept, there was like, no, they just kept putting me in it. And I was probably only in like, one or two episodes a season, but it really did change my life. And when I auditioned for The Good Place, at my test, where you, it's like, down to you and the other person. When I walked in, an episode of Broad City had aired the night before, and Drew Goddard and Mike Schur were talking about it. They were like, "Oh, it was such a funny this, that, with this thing you did." And I was like-

• 32:27Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, that's such a great ramp in.

• 32:28Speaker 05

  Yes.

• 32:29Conan O'Brien?

  They already like you-

• 32:30Speaker 05

  Yes.

• 32:31Conan O'Brien?

  And they've already seen you do good work-

• 32:33Speaker 05

  Exactly.

• 32:33Conan O'Brien?

  When they're auditioning you for The Good Place.

• 32:36Speaker 05

  Exactly. So, I just like, all the nerves were shed, and I, and I, um, you know, they, they built me up before an audition that I feel like I got in, I feel like I got that role in that audition. Does this, I don't want this to sound cocky at all, but I felt really prepared. And I, you know-

• 32:49Conan O'Brien?

  That's very cocky.

• 32:49Speaker 05

  It is.

• 32:50Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah. I mean, I just said you had done all this work.

• 32:54Speaker 05

  And then I kind of repeated it.

• 32:55Conan O'Brien?

  You know what I think? I think I was really well prepared.

• 32:58Speaker 05

  Yeah, and that's how, that turned everybody against me, huh?

• 33:01Conan O'Brien?

  There's a chill in the room. I can see my breath now.

• 33:04Speaker 05

  She just, she's cocky.

• 33:06Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 33:07Speaker 05

  I don't like a cocky woman.

• 33:09Conan O'Brien?

  But you had said, "And this sounds cocky, but I think I'm the greatest performer that ever lived."

• 33:13Speaker 05

  Right.

• 33:14Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 33:14Speaker 05

  No, I just, it was, I think, you know, getting, I keep losing, I keep feeling, yeah, there it is. There, it's you. I've been feeling you.

• 33:23Conan O'Brien?

  What's that? Your hair came off?

• 33:24Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 33:24Conan O'Brien?

  Okay.

• 33:25Speaker 05

  I'm gonna leave it in here for the next person.

• 33:26Conan O'Brien?

  I want it. I'm gonna plant this on a crime scene.

• 33:33Conan O'Brien?

  A strange murder in Catalina has been solved. D'Arcy Carden has been arrested.

• 33:40Speaker 05

  Wait, okay, wait, wait, wait.

• 33:41Conan O'Brien?

  An orange woman was seen fleeing.

• 33:48Speaker 05

  This is reminding me of something that I really do feel like you will understand because you're like me with this. Anything for the laugh. My niece Clover, who's four now, when she was a baby, before she was even one, her hair was starting to get a little bit long and she had like this tiny little like knotty, just a little knot in the back of her head that they couldn't, they couldn't brush out. So they said, "Let's cut it." It was gonna be her first little haircut. So we cut it and I took it and I ate it.

• 34:12Conan O'Brien?

  Yes!

• 34:13Speaker 05

  And they laughed. I made my sister laugh and my husband laugh and my brother-in-law laugh. I feel like you would have done the same.

• 34:20Conan O'Brien?

  Later, in the emergency room.

• 34:21Speaker 05

  I really ate it.

• 34:22Conan O'Brien?

  No!

• 34:22Speaker 05

  It was so tiny.

• 34:23Conan O'Brien?

  Oh.

• 34:24Speaker 05

  And I love her so much.

• 34:25Conan O'Brien?

  And you love hair.

• 34:25Speaker 05

  And I love to eat hair. I just want any reason to eat hair and this was a great one. But she's so little.

• 34:30Conan O'Brien?

  But you didn't get sick or anything.

• 34:31Speaker 05

  No, she's a baby and she's gorgeous. She has perfectly fine, gorgeous little...

• 34:34Conan O'Brien?

  I've seen you at club gymnastics there with my daughters.

• 34:36Speaker 05

  You know her. You know, I ate Clover's hair.

• 34:39Conan O'Brien?

  Yes.

• 34:40Speaker 05

  You know Clover and I ate her hair. She has beautiful hair.

• 34:43Conan O'Brien?

  It is really funny to eat something you're not supposed to eat.

• 34:45Speaker 05

  It really is.

• 34:46Conan O'Brien?

  And kids love it.

• 34:47Speaker 05

  Yes, it really is.

• 34:48Conan O'Brien?

  But if I need to really get a kid, I, that sounds awful, but...

• 34:54Conan O'Brien?

  If I really need to make a kid laugh.

• 34:56Speaker 05

  I really need to get this kid.

• 34:58Conan O'Brien?

  Now when I have to get a kid, that's a whole other thing.

• 34:59Speaker 05

  No, I really need to get this kid.

• 35:01Conan O'Brien?

  You need the van. Anyway. It's been three weeks. No, they, they love it if you're like, they love it if you're, you know, if you have a TV, if you have a TV remote. Oh, god damn! I'm miming a television remote, you freaks. Monsters!

• 35:16Speaker 05

  I really need to get this kid.

• 35:17Conan O'Brien?

  I need to get that kid. If you're miming a TV remote.

• 35:21Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 35:21Conan O'Brien?

  No, if you have a TV remote in your hand and then you're talking to a kid and you go, "Mmm, delicious," and you lick it, nine out of 10 times, you've got them.

• 35:29Speaker 05

  Oh, I'm gonna use that and I'm gonna take credit for it. I'm not gonna say.

• 35:33Conan O'Brien?

  Well, I tried registering that with the Writers Guild. They told me to screw off.

• 35:38Speaker 05

  I'll tell my little niece, I'll say, "That came from Conan's brain," and she'll go, "Who?"

• 35:41Conan O'Brien?

  Who?

• 35:42Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 35:42Conan O'Brien?

  God damn it, that brought me down.

• 35:43Speaker 05

  You gotta get to that generation. She's four.

• 35:46Conan O'Brien?

  No, I'm the same thing. I immediately become a child. When Sona's kids who are four.

• 35:50Speaker 05

  Yeah, twins, right?

• 35:51Conan O'Brien?

  When her twins come running into the building, I immediately, all work stops.

• 35:55Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 35:55Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah. And I'm chasing them, then they're chasing me, then I'm saying it's, if I see they've got chips, bags of chips, it's, well, it's a good thing. No one took my chip. What? And then they're running around, and so then you usually take them away because you know they're not gonna sleep for two days.

• 36:12Speaker 05

  Right, right, right.

• 36:13Conan O'Brien?

  But I also know I'm not gonna sleep for two days.

• 36:15Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. But you feel so good. It feels great.

• 36:18Conan O'Brien?

  Getting a laugh from a kid, it works both ways. When you're a kid, making an adult laugh is the best thing in the world. When you're an adult, making a kid laugh is the best thing in the world.

• 36:26Speaker 05

  You're so right, because both of them are not a guarantee at all. Not getting a laugh from a kid is fucking humiliating.

• 36:32Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, I've been there.

• 36:33Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 36:33Conan O'Brien?

  Sure.

• 36:34Speaker 05

  Trying hard.

• 36:35Conan O'Brien?

  And then I'm mad.

• 36:36Speaker 05

  Yes, embarrassed, trying harder, still failing.

• 36:40Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 36:40Speaker 05

  That's hell. That's hell.

• 36:41Conan O'Brien?

  Okay, you've seen my work.

• 36:45Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, that's, I think I've mentioned this before, but, worth retelling.

• 36:49Speaker 05

  Please.

• 36:49Conan O'Brien?

  Briefly, a good friend of mine, Mike Castignole, and I, who were at the Groundlings together, someone saw us and said, "You two are really funny together. Would you show up at my kid's party?" And we said, "Sure," and we dressed up as minstrels and showed up at this kid's party with guitars. Bombed like I've never bombed in my life. It was in a park in Santa Monica. These kids hated us.

• 37:13Speaker 05

  Oh my god.

• 37:13Conan O'Brien?

  And there was, and until the mom made us tag out.

• 37:17Speaker 05

  Okay.

• 37:17Conan O'Brien?

  The mom was like, "You should just go."

• 37:19Speaker 05

  Oh, that's even worse.

• 37:20Conan O'Brien?

  It was Mike and I walking back to our cars with our guitars, dressed as jesters.

• 37:25Speaker 05

  Right.

• 37:26Conan O'Brien?

  And I... That hurts as much as anything has hurt in show business.

• 37:31Speaker 05

  I bet that's really true. I don't even think you're exaggerating.

• 37:33Conan O'Brien?

  Everything is exactly, yes. That's what happened. That is what happened, and it was awful.

• 37:38Speaker 05

  And the feeling is the same as bombing in front of a theater.

• 37:41Conan O'Brien?

  In a way, it's kind of worse because you feel like kids are seeing the real you.

• 37:45Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 37:46Conan O'Brien?

  You know?

• 37:47Speaker 04

  I think we just saw the real you.

• 37:48Conan O'Brien?

  No, I'm being honest. So, but what does that reveal? When a kid is looking you in the eyes and not buying it, you think they have X-ray vision and they can see, like, to your bones.

• 38:00Speaker 05

  Right. And not that they're going like, "You suck," but they're just kind of looking at you like, hmm.

• 38:05Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 38:06Speaker 05

  No.

• 38:06Speaker 04

  Yeah, because they're pure honesty. They have no reason to hide anything.

• 38:09Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, they don't care, you know, I mean, now, one of the things I like about making a kid laugh is they don't know, "Oh, he's done many series and he has a body of work, so I should laugh now." There's none of that. They don't care.

• 38:21Speaker 05

  Who is this?

• 38:22Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, and that all enrages me.

• 38:27Conan O'Brien?

  One of the things that fascinated me about The Good Place was how much clearly Mike Schur was interested in ethics and what's ethical. And I can just contrast that with some of the things that are happening in the world today and in the news. Were you raised with any religion?

• 38:40Speaker 05

  I was raised Episcopalian, which is a pretty easy one.

• 38:44Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah. Liza's an Episcopalian.

• 38:47Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 38:48Conan O'Brien?

  And it's, it's like, cool, you don't have to show up anywhere.

• 38:51Speaker 04

  Does that feel like, do you think that's cheating a little bit?

• 38:53Speaker 05

  I can tell in his face. He's like, "Oh, Episcopalian, judging you."

• 38:57Conan O'Brien?

  It's just, no, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Episcopalians. No. Do you know what I mean? Show up, don't show up. It's all good. You seem like a good person.

• 39:05Speaker 05

  Yeah. Yeah, it was easy. It was more about like, like, "I like hanging out with my friends at this church and eating cookies."

• 39:14Conan O'Brien?

  Because when Liza and I were getting married, I had to get married in the Catholic Church. It's just, I mean, when I say have to, I mean, I'm not going to call my mom and my dad and say, "By the way, it's going to be at a church called..." It's not going to be at a church. It's going to be on the beach at Groovy Point.

• 39:30Speaker 05

  Right.

• 39:32Conan O'Brien?

  Bring some sunblock and some good vibes. So we were married in a Catholic cathedral in Seattle. But I remember Liza's family was like, okay, if that's what you want, like, we'll go to that.

• 39:45Speaker 05

  But this, did, did Liza feel like she was like performing wedding?

• 39:49Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, I think she was doing me a major solid because she knew how meant, how much it meant to my parents and.

• 39:56Speaker 05

  My dad really wanted us to get married in a church as well. And we had to have sort of like a, like a, not hard conversation because we were Episcopalian. So it's not that big of a deal. But he was, he just was, it couldn't quite, why wouldn't you? Why wouldn't you? Of course, that's what you do. And, and I didn't want that feeling of like, sort of pretending to, you know, playing, playing, getting married. Which I think I would have felt like if I got married in a big church.

• 40:17Conan O'Brien?

  I was, I just remembered this because I was just back in Seattle. I passed that cathedral where I got married with, in 2002. And I went in and I had this very immediate memory of, I had been good future son-in-law the whole time I was engaged. Just, you know, good boyfriend, the good, you know, I'll, I'll pick up that tab and just nice to everybody. And because I just wanted to make sure this deal went through this.

• 40:43Speaker 05

  Don't screw up the deal.

• 40:45Conan O'Brien?

  I don't want to screw up this.

• 40:45Speaker 05

  No.

• 40:46Speaker 01

  Gotta lock, gotta lock it up.

• 40:47Conan O'Brien?

  No, you, you know, Liza, I had to lock, I had to lock this up. So can't let this not happen. There was one member of her family who is very religious and she had, I think, 10.

• 40:59Speaker 05

  Two legs?

• 40:59Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, she had two, she had three legs because she got your grandfather's leg. Yeah.

• 41:06Speaker 01

  That's messed up.

• 41:07Conan O'Brien?

  It's not messed up.

• 41:08Speaker 05

  It's not messed up.

• 41:08Conan O'Brien?

  It's not messed up.

• 41:09Speaker 05

  It's not messed up.

• 41:09Conan O'Brien?

  It's not messed up. Yeah.

• 41:10Speaker 05

  It's actually really normal. It's actually really normal.

• 41:12Conan O'Brien?

  That's what happens when someone loses a leg, it goes to someone else. Yeah, she had three and she could only walk in circles.

• 41:19Conan O'Brien?

  Anywho.

• 41:20Speaker 05

  Yeah, sorry.

• 41:20Conan O'Brien?

  Uh, we're in, we're, we're really on, this is good.

• 41:23Speaker 05

  No, this is great.

• 41:25Conan O'Brien?

  And you know what? I just checked my machine. We haven't gone too far with this riff.

• 41:30Conan O'Brien?

  So, uh, anyway, she's a very, she, a religious member of her family who's, who at one point in the service, which was really long, because it's a Catholic mass, plus a lot of other stuff. She read, I think she read like 10. Blessings, oh, she was gonna read ten blessings. So is all the stress of the wedding day and it's a really long wedding and a lot of people came and saying hi to everybody and then going back and they took pictures after the wedding in front of everybody and I'm feeling that pressure. And I'm really like a, a, a wire that's been pulled thin and this religious member of her family came up to me after the ceremony and I now it's finally my chance to be able to go and have a glass of wine, sit down with Liza, just chill for a second.

• 42:11Conan O'Brien?

  And she grabs my arm and she says, you know what, I read nine of the blessings, but then, um, the priest started up again and I didn't get to read the 10th. Could you stop everybody? No. And say the 10th blessing and suddenly real Conan showed up.

• 42:25Speaker 05

  Yeah, here he comes.

• 42:25Conan O'Brien?

  For the first time in two years. And I said, I think there's been enough Jesus for one day.

• 42:32Conan O'Brien?

  And I went to my table and like s-drowned a glass of wine. Hell, yes. And she was like, what? And Liza was gave her a look like, yeah, there's that guy too. There's both. You know, Eddie Haskell went away. Like, oh gee, Mr. Cleaver, it's so nice to see you. That went away. I think there's been enough Jesus for one day.

• 42:50Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 42:51Conan O'Brien?

  Turned and walked.

• 42:52Speaker 05

  Goodbye.

• 42:53Conan O'Brien?

  And then gulp, gulp, gulp.

• 42:54Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. And Liza's like, oh, he's in our family now.

• 42:57Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, yeah. That guy. And by the way, I knew I had the ring.

• 43:01Speaker 05

  Exactly.

• 43:01Conan O'Brien?

  We're done.

• 43:02Speaker 05

  Deal done. Locked it in.

• 43:03Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 43:04Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 43:04Conan O'Brien?

  Mic drop. Um, so anyway, I was just curious because in my upbringing, the ethics are real simple. God is always watching and sees everything. Don't ever do anything that you not cool with God seeing. That's a very little literal interpretation, but when you're a kid, that's what you think is the case. And I took things, I took everything very literally when I was a kid and they told me once, um, they were talking about heaven and this is a nun because I had to go to, after regular school, we had to go to this place called the Synacle and be taught by nuns about Catholic instruction. No, every Monday night.

• 43:40Conan O'Brien?

  And I, and I would go, uh, to this place and nuns with the whole habit and everything are teaching and they're writing on the board about Jesus and the, the religion and the Holy Spirit. And, um, at one point she was talking about heaven and I said, what is heaven? And she said, what's your favorite thing to do? And I said, color in my coloring book. And she said, well, you do that for all eternity. And I looked at a camera that wasn't there and went, as like, as, as Sona would say, fuck.

• 44:08Conan O'Brien?

  I was like, that sounds aw- I mean, I like to color in my coloring book.

• 44:11Speaker 05

  You sort of saw the scope of like forever?

• 44:14Conan O'Brien?

  I mean, I like it, but all eternity.

• 44:17Speaker 05

  I also like riding my bike.

• 44:19Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah. No.

• 44:20Speaker 05

  No.

• 44:20Conan O'Brien?

  Coloring in your coloring book forever. God watching, don't go outside the lines.

• 44:26Speaker 05

  And that's the thing is like that nun said that and you held on to that for probably so long.

• 44:31Conan O'Brien?

  I'm still thinking I just talked about it.

• 44:32Speaker 05

  Exactly, exactly, yeah. I would, I would um, fall asleep saying the Lord's Prayer as many times as I could because I felt I made up a system that for every one time I said it, that like erases one bad thing I did that day.

• 44:42Conan O'Brien?

  That's a rosary bead.

• 44:43Speaker 05

  Yeah, that's true.

• 44:44Conan O'Brien?

  Rosary beads are basically, rosary beads are hail ma- you know, th- these beads are, are our Father's Lord's Prayer and these beads are hail Mary's. And you work your way through them and they, you know.

• 44:57Speaker 05

  You say the prayer and that erases something bad you did?

• 44:59Conan O'Brien?

  I, I, I don't know if it's in one to one, like deletes, but if you work your way through the rosary, yes, that's, that's like, well, I entered all the informa- you know, I.

• 45:08Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 45:09Conan O'Brien?

  I just filled out all these forms and I, I, now I get this credit.

• 45:13Speaker 05

  That's insane.

• 45:14Conan O'Brien?

  But you realize that so many religions are do this and you'll be okay. And the, the Vatican had a list of amounts of money you could pay to get out of certain sins. That was a regular part of the Catholic Church. Could I see that list? You can't afford it, buddy. You'll never get out of your own hell. They're tiny. Uh, yeah, and I know.

• 45:34Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 45:34Conan O'Brien?

  No, that was a thing, I think, called selling indulgences. I don't know how I just came up with that, but.

• 45:40Speaker 05

  Your brains, your brain's big.

• 45:42Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, just crazy stuff I can whip out.

• 45:45Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 45:46Conan O'Brien?

  Uh, selling indulgences, I think, was, was, uh, yeah, medieval Catholic Church where they could say, oh, uh, for a hundred thousand dollars in gold.

• 45:54Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 45:54Conan O'Brien?

  You get to go to heaven, here's your piece of paper.

• 45:56Speaker 05

  Right.

• 45:57Conan O'Brien?

  Show this when you get to the pearly gates. I think that's why there was such a big backlash with Martin Luther and this whole reform movement of we gotta clean that stuff up.

• 46:05Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 46:06Conan O'Brien?

  But going back to tech bros, I think somebody is going to do this again. I think someone's gonna come up with a program, some algorithm that they say.

• 46:18Conan O'Brien?

  If you can give us this many quark bits, then that will translate into eternal peace.

• 46:26Conan O'Brien?

  Anything we, anything humanity has done, we might do again. And we probably will.

• 46:32Speaker 01

  Religion.

• 46:33Conan O'Brien?

  What's that?

• 46:33Speaker 01

  It's a new religion, like someone's coming in.

• 46:35Conan O'Brien?

  I'm just positing that someone could say.

• 46:37Speaker 05

  And that it would probably, the fact, I'm sure there is a religion that will require us to just do this. You know what I mean?

• 46:43Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, I see that all the time. Yeah. I'm out and about and I see things.

• 46:47Speaker 05

  Oh, interesting. You know what I, you know what I've noticed? Speaking of being out and about and seeing things, I'm doing a lot of walking these days, trying to get my steps in.

• 46:55Conan O'Brien?

  Yes.

• 46:56Speaker 05

  And I have noticed that people go on walks and look at their phones the entire time. And I mean, watch things on their phone as they're walking. Like people are walking.

• 47:06Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 47:06Speaker 05

  And not just like, you know, in like from store to store. I mean, like going on a hike, going on a walk, their, their head is down and they're scrolling or they're watching.

• 47:15Conan O'Brien?

  They're looking at nature scenes while they're walking through nature.

• 47:18Speaker 01

  When I, when I walk my dog, cause it's so boring.

• 47:21Speaker 05

  Stop doing that.

• 47:21Speaker 01

  Cause she stops and she has to pee.

• 47:24Conan O'Brien?

  You have to stop.

• 47:24Speaker 01

  I know. I, I, now I leave my phone at home, which is bad. Cause what if I like.

• 47:28Speaker 05

  Okay.

• 47:29Speaker 01

  Trip and fall and.

• 47:30Speaker 05

  You could, you could put a little earpiece in and listen to some music if you need something to take the, the edge off nature.

• 47:36Conan O'Brien?

  Do that because, I mean, I see people on bicycles. I know there are people on motorcycles that are listening to their tunes.

• 47:42Speaker 05

  Right.

• 47:43Conan O'Brien?

  And I think that's insane. And the big thing is yesterday I was side to side with someone in her car and I noticed she was, her driving was a little funky. Completely down, looking at her phone while she's driving.

• 47:54Speaker 05

  Scary. Yeah.

• 47:54Speaker 01

  I don't do that, but walking, I have to stop.

• 47:56Conan O'Brien?

  But God's watching.

• 47:57Speaker 05

  Yeah, God's watching.

• 47:58Conan O'Brien?

  God's watching all the time.

• 47:59Speaker 04

  If you pay me a hundred thousand dollars right now, I'll handle that.

• 48:02Speaker 01

  But God is watching it. He knows what phones are. Like he's, he's like.

• 48:06Conan O'Brien?

  No, God can see through your phone.

• 48:07Speaker 01

  Oh, man. Oh, no.

• 48:10Speaker 04

  God hacked your phone specifically.

• 48:13Speaker 05

  I make this when I see.

• 48:14Conan O'Brien?

  God illegally went through Apple.

• 48:17Speaker 05

  No, but you agreed to it. You signed something. Yeah.

• 48:20Speaker 01

  Oh, about God?

• 48:20Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah. When you take God to court, he's gonna be like, read the fine print.

• 48:24Speaker 05

  Did you read the fine print?

• 48:26Conan O'Brien?

  Or a woman.

• 48:27Speaker 05

  Okay.

• 48:27Conan O'Brien?

  Read the fine print.

• 48:28Speaker 05

  Yeah, a doctor can also be a woman.

• 48:32Speaker 05

  I, I make a noise when I see somebody doing this. When I walk by them, I go like.

• 48:37Conan O'Brien?

  Good for you.

• 48:38Speaker 01

  Like a horse?

• 48:39Speaker 05

  Yes. It's not like saying like, hey, look up.

• 48:43Speaker 04

  It's like you're coming around the corner, a little beep beep.

• 48:45Speaker 05

  Yeah, a little beep beep. I know we could talk about this forever, and I know it has been spoken about over and over, but it really is mind blowing. Like, when you really, when you, when you are at an airport or whatever, when you walk into a room and you see everybody with their head down, it really is like, how do we get here?

• 48:59Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, and the other thing, rock and roll music.

• 49:01Speaker 05

  Oh.

• 49:01Conan O'Brien?

  It's the devil's music.

• 49:03Speaker 05

  You gotta, it'll get in your brain. What do we do?

• 49:07Conan O'Brien?

  Well, I think by complaining about it.

• 49:09Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 49:10Conan O'Brien?

  And by complaining about a thing that many other people have already noticed.

• 49:14Speaker 05

  That's right.

• 49:14Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 49:15Conan O'Brien?

  We've shone a light on something that already has a light on it.

• 49:17Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 49:18Conan O'Brien?

  And we've accomplished really nothing.

• 49:19Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 49:20Conan O'Brien?

  Don't you think?

• 49:21Speaker 04

  Well, back to our phones.

• 49:22Speaker 01

  I know, I don't like to yuck other people's yum either.

• 49:25Speaker 05

  I know, I know.

• 49:25Speaker 01

  You know?

• 49:26Speaker 05

  Have you ever heard that phrase before?

• 49:27Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, yeah, my kids used to say, don't yuck my yum.

• 49:30Speaker 05

  It's such a weird thing to say.

• 49:31Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 49:31Speaker 05

  But it, but it makes perfect sense.

• 49:33Conan O'Brien?

  I wouldn't let them have any liquids or water for a year.

• 49:36Speaker 01

  No.

• 49:36Conan O'Brien?

  I just read an article when I was looking on my phone that said, water and liquids is bad for human life.

• 49:42Speaker 05

  Bad for kids, for growing kids, yeah.

• 49:43Conan O'Brien?

  So they got very ill.

• 49:46Speaker 05

  But they're doing better now.

• 49:47Conan O'Brien?

  They're much better, now that they're having liquids.

• 49:51Conan O'Brien?

  And most, and water.

• 49:52Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 49:53Conan O'Brien?

  Because that's what we're made of. I, um, I've never been angrier with any guests than I am with you right now.

• 49:58Speaker 05

  What did I do?

• 49:59Conan O'Brien?

  What didn't you do? You came in here with your D'Arcy Carden attitude, your D'Arcy. What's that?

• 50:05Speaker 04

  Cocky.

• 50:05Speaker 05

  She's cocky.

• 50:06Conan O'Brien?

  You're very cocky.

• 50:07Speaker 05

  She's cocky.

• 50:07Conan O'Brien?

  And you came in here, and then you started to say, we need to get off our phones. Well, that's the only joy I have in my life now, is my phone.

• 50:14Speaker 01

  I know, I want to walk my dog and look at my phone.

• 50:17Speaker 05

  I'm on, I'm on like zero, it's 3pm and I'm on 0% battery because I've been on my phone all day, you understand? I'm a piece of shit.

• 50:24Conan O'Brien?

  How many Conan clips were you watching?

• 50:28Speaker 04

  No, no.

• 50:30Speaker 05

  Who are you looking at, buddy?

• 50:31Conan O'Brien?

  Just looking around.

• 50:32Speaker 05

  Okay.

• 50:32Conan O'Brien?

  There's a huge crowd cheering me right now that's in my mind, and I like to check them out.

• 50:37Speaker 05

  They're gone, Conan.

• 50:40Conan O'Brien?

  Are you working with Mr. Will Fortan?

• 50:43Speaker 05

  Yes.

• 50:43Conan O'Brien?

  Are you not at liberty to mention?

• 50:45Speaker 05

  No, I'm liberty.

• 50:46Conan O'Brien?

  Okay.

• 50:46Speaker 05

  I'm liberty. Um, don't you love him?

• 50:49Conan O'Brien?

  He's fantastic.

• 50:50Speaker 05

  Have you guys, you've had him on the show? Yeah. What a guy. We did a TV show that's coming out in Australia in December and then it'll be over here at some point. I can't wait. I can't wait. It's called Sunny Nights. We play siblings. I'm kinda like wildcard. He's straight laced. We get in with some bad people and we have to like, you know, find our way out.

• 51:08Conan O'Brien?

  Now, can you speak normally to each other?

• 51:10Speaker 05

  No.

• 51:11Conan O'Brien?

  Or are you both in bit hell when the other person's in the room?

• 51:14Speaker 05

  I mean, I called him, I called him the other night. He wanted me to do this charity event with him that I wanted to do and then schedule thing, some schedule thing happened and I called him the other night and he answered the phone like this. I, he picked up and he went, "Hello?"

• 51:29Speaker 05

  And I said, I said, "Will, it's bad news." And he goes, "Oh, no."

• 51:38Conan O'Brien?

  What's wrong, what's wrong with all of us?

• 51:39Speaker 05

  I know, I know, I know.

• 51:41Conan O'Brien?

  I don't know.

• 51:42Speaker 05

  Yeah, you're all sick. Yeah. I was gonna, um, only if I can find this in 10 seconds, was gonna play you a song that Will and I made up in the middle of the night. I bet the timestamp is like 3:00 in the morning in some overnight shoot and we were just trying to like keep ourselves up. Okay, let's just see what this is. I'm not quite sure, but I know it'll be something.

• 51:58Speaker 06

  A five, six, seven. Chooda riddle, boodle, boodle, gudle, ba-doo. Gidoo, riddle, beedle, veedle, gidoo, ba-doo. Just a guy, fast a lime, master catoo. Jilly Tason, Willie Mason, Mandy Chen too. That was really good.

• 52:14Speaker 05

  And you can hear the Australian people go, "That was..."

• 52:16Conan O'Brien?

  Wait a minute, that was great.

• 52:17Speaker 05

  Thank you.

• 52:18Conan O'Brien?

  That was great.

• 52:19Speaker 05

  And we came, we came up with it in, I bet that was 30 minutes of work. That was waiting.

• 52:23Conan O'Brien?

  Yes, of course it was.

• 52:25Speaker 05

  That was waiting for the cameras to get ready and, and, and we, we were like, "Let's make up a song in all gibberish." And then that's what happens. Cause also he gets really set on something and then it's happening. Anyway, I love him like family. I love him.

• 52:37Conan O'Brien?

  I, uh, my favorite thing is yesterday, Sona was standing really close to me, like her face was right here. And I just put one pen in my mouth and turned to her and went, "I'm half a wha-" Walrus.

• 52:49Speaker 05

  Why?

• 52:50Conan O'Brien?

  And you lost it.

• 52:52Speaker 05

  You lost.

• 52:52Conan O'Brien?

  It's so stupid.

• 52:53Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 52:54Conan O'Brien?

  But I think it was that my face was so close to hers.

• 52:56Speaker 05

  Yes.

• 52:57Conan O'Brien?

  And no, no one should ever do that.

• 53:00Speaker 05

  No, I love it.

• 53:01Conan O'Brien?

  No one should ever declare, "I'm half a walrus with one tusk."

• 53:04Speaker 05

  I think bits, I think doing bits is a language. I really do. I think it's, I think it's okay. I, I think, I, I guess you could overdo it if someone's not wanting, but I.

• 53:13Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, yes, you can. I'll tell you.

• 53:15Speaker 05

  But when I say language, I mean, if you speak bit, I think it's actually like love and communication. I think it's really good.

• 53:21Conan O'Brien?

  Is that how you took it?

• 53:22Speaker 05

  It is. Yeah, cuz you laughed. I was like, "Oh, he loves me." Yeah. "Oh, that's nice."

• 53:26Conan O'Brien?

  Or he's just got a pen jammed in his mouth.

• 53:28Speaker 05

  Yeah, or, or he's broken. Yeah. And like, "We need to take him to a hospital." We need to talk to him. It could be either one. He's sad. And when he actually is hurt and has like a brain issue one day, we're not gonna know. But that's actually okay, too. Yeah.

• 53:40Conan O'Brien?

  A lot of people have talked about this, which is how will we know?

• 53:43Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 53:43Conan O'Brien?

  If he's, if his mind is going, how will we know?

• 53:46Speaker 05

  Yeah. But I think that's okay. Cuz if his mind is going, he won't know, and you won't know. So then it's just kinda like a nice. It's a beautiful thing.

• 53:53Speaker 04

  Except we're all talking about like, this is in the future and it could have happened years ago.

• 53:57Conan O'Brien?

  I could be 15 years into a terrible.

• 53:59Speaker 04

  I would put my money on that.

• 54:00Conan O'Brien?

  Marine occlusion. Yeah.

• 54:01Speaker 05

  We're all, we're all coloring books in heaven right now.

• 54:04Conan O'Brien?

  Back to my dad's quote.

• 54:05Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 54:05Conan O'Brien?

  Back to my dad's quote. My dad, who's a scientist, was a scientist, looked at me and said, "I see." He wasn't trying to make a joke. He said, "You're being treated for something?" I'm sorry. My dad looked at me and he's a scientist and he said, "I see, uh, you're making your living off something that should probably be treated."

• 54:21Speaker 05

  Oh, my gosh.

• 54:22Conan O'Brien?

  And I was like, "He's not wrong."

• 54:23Speaker 05

  Oh, my gosh.

• 54:24Conan O'Brien?

  Wish he hadn't said it.

• 54:25Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 54:26Conan O'Brien?

  But he's not wrong.

• 54:26Speaker 05

  But he's not wrong. Which I didn't now know that, that that's true, actually, true.

• 54:31Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 54:31Speaker 05

  Yeah, dad. Dad.

• 54:34Conan O'Brien?

  Well, let's keep that cash rolling in.

• 54:38Conan O'Brien?

  "I'm half a walrus."

• 54:41Speaker 05

  I want to do it.

• 54:42Conan O'Brien?

  D'Arcy Carden, you are a joy. And try it.

• 54:46Speaker 05

  I'm the other half.

• 54:50Speaker 05

  Here's your pen back.

• 54:53Conan O'Brien?

  You should immediately drop your project with Wolforte and do my, it's half a walrus meets the other half.

• 54:58Speaker 05

  I'm so in.

• 54:59Speaker 04

  Don't shake that hand. Don't make that deal. Don't make that deal.

• 55:02Conan O'Brien?

  Legally binding in a court of law. Legally binding. Better call your paw. Okay, um, D'Arcy Carden, absolute joy. I love you to death.

• 55:11Speaker 05

  Love you so much.

• 55:12Conan O'Brien?

  My best to your crazy handsome, cool husband.

• 55:15Speaker 05

  And my best to your crazy handsome, cool wife.

• 55:18Conan O'Brien?

  She is handsome.

• 55:18Speaker 05

  She is.

• 55:19Conan O'Brien?

  She's the, she's the alpha male.

• 55:21Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 55:22Conan O'Brien?

  And, uh, I'm going to make you come back here again and again and again.

• 55:26Speaker 05

  I can't wait.

• 55:26Conan O'Brien?

  There's nothing you can do about it.

• 55:27Speaker 05

  Once a year, at least.

• 55:29Conan O'Brien?

  Yes.

• 55:29Speaker 05

  Okay, great.

• 55:37Conan O'Brien?

  You know, winning an award, that's a big achievement, right?

• 55:39Speaker 05

  Yeah, I love awards.

• 55:40Conan O'Brien?

  Every now and then in life, maybe something nice like that comes your way. Winning them consistently is almost impossible. It just doesn't happen. You know? Well, guess what? Winning five times in six years? You know what that sounds like to me? Sustained excellence.

• 55:54Speaker 05

  Nice.

• 55:55Conan O'Brien?

  Hyundai has done just that, earning the title of America's best SUV brand for 2026 from US News and World Report. You are a very happy Hyundai driver.

• 56:03Speaker 05

  I drive a Hyundai Palisade and I love my car. I love it. I love driving it around.

• 56:08Conan O'Brien?

  I've been tooling around in an Ioniq 5N, which I love. Beautiful car. Well, listen, whether you need an SUV for everyday life, your next big adventure, or extra room for family and friends, Hyundai has an option for you. The Tucson Hybrid is loaded with technology and built for everyday life. The Santa Fe Hybrid's fully capable and ready for adventure. The Palisade, that's yours, right?

• 56:27Speaker 05

  Hello.

• 56:28Conan O'Brien?

  They're going to rename that the Sona. The Palisade Hybrid, yeah, delivers premium capability and class-leading interior space. With available, I have this memorized, H-Track all-wheel drive, up to an EPA estimated 619 miles of range on vehicles like the Palisade Hybrid and Hyundai's industry-leading warranty, it's easy to see why Hyundai continues to deliver the quality, innovation, technology, and value drivers expect from an award-winning brand. View US News Best Cars at cars.usnews.com and call 562-314-4603 for complete details.

• 57:02Conan O'Brien?

  Coca-Cola Zero Sugar is so good, it's almost impossible not to finish it before the meal arrives. It's just too good to wait. That happens to me sometimes.

• 57:10Speaker 01

  Me too.

• 57:11Conan O'Brien?

  You can try rules like no sipping until the appetizer arrives, or you tell your friend, "Don't let me touch my glass." But every time you're staring at an empty glass. So if you've ever finished your Coke Zero before the first fry hits the table, you're among friends. It happens. Occupational hazard with Coke Zero.

• 57:28Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 57:29Conan O'Brien?

  Real Coca-Cola taste, zero sugar, too good to wait. Enjoy an ice cold Coca-Cola Zero Sugar today.

• 57:40Conan O'Brien?

  So, you have to admit, the holidays, it's really about hanging with the people you love.

• 57:45Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 57:46Conan O'Brien?

  And getting to be yourself. Not going to some stuffy holiday party where you need to conform to what the man wants you to think about the holidays.

• 57:54Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 57:55Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, it's about being yourself. Turn your holiday time into Miller time by enjoying a Miller Lite in a place where you're free to enjoy yourself on a walk with a cousin. With a cousin? Why are they getting all specific?

• 58:06Speaker 01

  Because it's family.

• 58:07Conan O'Brien?

  But what about a niece or a nephew?

• 58:08Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 58:11Conan O'Brien?

  Like a walk with an ex-wife?

• 58:14Conan O'Brien?

  I don't know. I mean, they're just throwing... That's a weird... They just made a very specific choice.

• 58:17Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 58:18Conan O'Brien?

  Now's the time for those unexpected holiday side guests and enjoy a great tasting light beer. "Tis Miller Time," as Dickens wrote. Miller Lite is brewed for taste, the taste you can depend on. The original light beer since 1975 and still iconic more than 50 years later. I like to be with my bros, my chums, my posse, crack open a Miller Lite, take a swig, sip, look around and see my friends. We've known each other forever and we're just hanging out.

• 58:45Speaker 01

  Yeah, you guys are just doing chest bumps and high-fiving.

• 58:48Conan O'Brien?

  Miller Lite is great taste done right. Go to millerlite.com/conan to find delivery options near you or you can pick up some Miller Lite pretty much anywhere they sell beer. "Tis Miller Time." Celebrate responsibly. Miller Brewing Company, Milwaukee, Wisconsin. 96 calories and 3.2 carbs per 12 ounces.

• 59:10Conan O'Brien?

  We're sitting here with our lawyer. What is your official title here at? Good question. Director of Business and Legal Affairs. Okay, that lights up a party.

• 59:21Conan O'Brien?

  Very exciting, I know. So, David Melmed, good to have you here. Good to be here. And again, the eye goes to you. Very handsome fellow. Thank you. Inappropriate. And I think we all agree. Inappropriate. So, please, my company, I can do as I please. As a lawyer. That's what I've learned the last couple of years. Oh, wait, that's not right.

• 59:40Speaker 04

  Also, you were cutting bitches left and right last time.

• 59:43Conan O'Brien?

  I know, but I'm not a lawyer. Guys, please, the garden hose is getting all tangled, and I'm a good gardener, and I want to straighten it now. What? Here's what's happening, okay? It was brought to my attention, very recently, on a previous episode, that Netflix is bringing back Star Search, and they have an ad that pays tribute to all the very famous superstars that got their start on Star Search. And they show this montage of these performers like Beyonce, Britney Spears, Kevin James, performing on Star Search. And then they cut to this animated card that shows all the people that got their start on Star Search. And if you'll see where Christina Aguilera's name is,

• 1:00:28Conan O'Brien?

  and you drift down to the right, you see the name there? I see Conan O'Brien. Yes. Yes.

• 1:00:33Speaker 04

  Look at the dollar signs in his eyes.

• 1:00:36Conan O'Brien?

  Look at me. This was Netflix? Look at me. This is Netflix, yes. They've been in the news lately. Yes, yes. This is Netflix, which is a German word for deep pockets. Yes, it is. Netflix! Yes, it is. So, Mr. Melmed. Yes. Let me call you Mr. Melmed, and I think I can. And I'm your employer, and I can do as I please. I have no, no involvement with Star Search. I didn't get my start on Star Search. As Sona rightly pointed out, I have no talent that I could have brought to Star Search. Really, I mean, honestly, no connection. This is like saying, we're gonna salute the 1927 murderers' row Yankees. Sure. And Babe Ruth and Lou Gehrig and Conan O'Brien.

• 1:01:20Conan O'Brien?

  I would say, oh my god, what's happened? That's how ridiculous this is. And yet, there's my name. This isn't a joke. We didn't make this up. What do you think is happening here?

• 1:01:31Speaker 07

  Is this a random list, or is anyone on this?

• 1:01:34Speaker 04

  We Googled this. To the best of our knowledge, everybody else has been verified, according to Google, as getting their start on Star Search.

• 1:01:41Conan O'Brien?

  And I am not mentioned on that list.

• 1:01:42Speaker 07

  Except Conan O'Brien.

• 1:01:43Conan O'Brien?

  Because I have no connection to Star Search, never went on Star Search, never went to a taping, never passed the building, have no connection to it. I'm not offended. I'm just curious what's going on. And what is my legal position? What can we do here and how can this benefit me? Go.

• 1:02:00Speaker 07

  Well, if you ask me that, which you just did.

• 1:02:04Conan O'Brien?

  He's good. Can I just say something?

• 1:02:07Speaker 07

  My head is...

• 1:02:08Conan O'Brien?

  Can I just say something?

• 1:02:08Speaker 07

  Yes.

• 1:02:09Conan O'Brien?

  That was the most useless exchange I've ever had in my life.

• 1:02:12Speaker 07

  I know.

• 1:02:12Conan O'Brien?

  Unbelievable. And I'm paying you. You said, if you ask me that, and you just did.

• 1:02:17Speaker 07

  Yes.

• 1:02:19Conan O'Brien?

  Incredible.

• 1:02:20Speaker 07

  My head is going. My brain is trying to think of an answer.

• 1:02:23Conan O'Brien?

  He needs a second.

• 1:02:23Speaker 07

  Well, you know what, I would say, Conan...

• 1:02:26Conan O'Brien?

  Well, I'm hearing you, and that's something that I'm hearing.

• 1:02:29Speaker 07

  Thank you.

• 1:02:29Conan O'Brien?

  And now I hear that.

• 1:02:30Speaker 07

  Now, I don't have a computer in front of me, so I can't Google anything at this point. No, I would say, look, if you're the only person on this board without that connection.

• 1:02:40Conan O'Brien?

  Yes.

• 1:02:41Speaker 07

  I would say to you, is there any... You're feeling about it, you don't feel damaged, you don't feel defamed.

• 1:02:47Conan O'Brien?

  I do.

• 1:02:48Speaker 07

  Oh, you do?

• 1:02:48Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah. Well, just in this moment, I'm seeing which way you're going with this.

• 1:02:52Speaker 07

  Yes.

• 1:02:53Conan O'Brien?

  I feel very damaged and very defamed. I'm not sure I can recover.

• 1:02:58Speaker 07

  Well, you probably couldn't recover damages, but we could certainly...

• 1:03:01Conan O'Brien?

  You're misunderstanding. I didn't say recover damages.

• 1:03:04Speaker 07

  Oh, I'm sorry.

• 1:03:04Conan O'Brien?

  I'm not sure I can emotionally recover.

• 1:03:06Speaker 07

  Oh, sure.

• 1:03:07Conan O'Brien?

  So when your kid wanders in the room and said, "I fell down and I got hurt", you take it immediately to mean

• 1:03:13Speaker 07

  I do.

• 1:03:14Conan O'Brien?

  you lost some financial gain?

• 1:03:16Speaker 07

  I do.

• 1:03:17Conan O'Brien?

  Okay.

• 1:03:18Speaker 07

  So honestly, you're

• 1:03:20Conan O'Brien?

  Monster.

• 1:03:20Speaker 07

  I would say

• 1:03:21Conan O'Brien?

  Child services.

• 1:03:22Speaker 07

  Yes. I would say practically, your legal recourse would be to have your name removed. From if this is

• 1:03:27Conan O'Brien?

  See, I don't want that. I love having my name up there. That's beautiful, but at the same time, I feel damaged.

• 1:03:35Speaker 07

  Okay.

• 1:03:35Conan O'Brien?

  I feel that this is a drag on my income. I feel that, I feel a loss. I'm not sure I will be able to podcast in the near future.

• 1:03:48Speaker 04

  And if he can't, Sona and I can't.

• 1:03:49Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:03:50Speaker 07

  Oh, so, okay, so I think what you're talking about is sort of speculative damages, right? I think you may have a difficult time in that because it's a bit of a contri, you know, you have, on the one hand, I have no connection to this, but on the other hand, I want to keep that up there. So you are benefiting a bit from the publicity because of the names up there.

• 1:04:10Conan O'Brien?

  You work for me and you're arguing against me.

• 1:04:12Speaker 07

  I would say, Conan, if we were having this conversation outside of this podcast, I would probably be giving you these arguments against what you're trying to tell me that you want to do.

• 1:04:20Conan O'Brien?

  Okay, let me tell you something. If I could speak to you

• 1:04:22Speaker 07

  You may.

• 1:04:23Conan O'Brien?

  And I can

• 1:04:24Speaker 07

  You may.

• 1:04:24Conan O'Brien?

  Because I have a microphone and you're in the room with me

• 1:04:26Speaker 07

  Yes.

• 1:04:27Conan O'Brien?

  And we're speaking.

• 1:04:28Speaker 07

  Yes, we are.

• 1:04:28Conan O'Brien?

  And if you could hear me, which you can

• 1:04:30Speaker 07

  Yes.

• 1:04:31Conan O'Brien?

  And you would hear my thoughts. I would say this. I think it's going to be damaging for people to my name to be taken away. I can prove in court that my name brings people real joy. And to put it up and then take it away is going to be a wound

• 1:04:47Speaker 07

  Sure.

• 1:04:47Conan O'Brien?

  For any of the American people who are watching Netflix, and many people are, as they should be, because they may soon be my overlord.

• 1:04:54Speaker 07

  Yes, they could.

• 1:04:55Conan O'Brien?

  And so I would say, the name just has to stay. Uh, that would, why? Why do that? You're just, you're just hurting people unnecessarily. The name can stay, but I've been terribly wounded and damaged. I see a real financial loss for me, not so much for Sona and Gourley. They're fine and they shouldn't participate. But I feel, hey, when they put your names up there, feel free to suckle at that teat.

• 1:05:16Speaker 01

  Can we sue them to put our names on there?

• 1:05:19Conan O'Brien?

  Yes. Let's sue them to put your names on there and then sue them to take them off.

• 1:05:23Speaker 04

  And I once worked as an usher, so could that be me?

• 1:05:27Conan O'Brien?

  Okay.

• 1:05:29Speaker 07

  Yeah, that's a good.

• 1:05:33Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, that's fine. That's fine. That works for me. Okay, this is what we're going to do.

• 1:05:39Speaker 07

  Sure.

• 1:05:40Conan O'Brien?

  You are going to contact Netflix.

• 1:05:43Speaker 07

  Okay.

• 1:05:43Conan O'Brien?

  You're going to inquire as to why my name has been put up there. You're going to insist that the name stay. In fact, my name is on a half fade right now.

• 1:05:51Speaker 07

  Yeah, it is.

• 1:05:52Conan O'Brien?

  You know, but not as faded as Drew Carey's, Rosie O'Donnell's, or LeAnn Rimes. Or there's one that's so, oh, Brad Garrett. Brad Garrett should sue because his name is so faded on this.

• 1:06:04Speaker 07

  Yes, it is.

• 1:06:04Conan O'Brien?

  Why even put it up? That's a star in the sky that.

• 1:06:07Speaker 07

  It's true.

• 1:06:08Conan O'Brien?

  It looks like he, he.

• 1:06:10Speaker 07

  And LeAnn Rimes, you know, you have LeAnn Rimes.

• 1:06:12Speaker 01

  And Billy Porter.

• 1:06:13Speaker 04

  Did you notice the shooting star is emanating from your name?

• 1:06:16Conan O'Brien?

  Yes, yes. Look at that, the shooting star. Because I create stars.

• 1:06:21Speaker 04

  Oh, wow.

• 1:06:21Conan O'Brien?

  Okay, because this is the thing. They've clearly, this is a good point. My name's up there. There's a shooting star coming out of my name, which means I'm, I have so much talent that more stars are flying off of me.

• 1:06:32Speaker 04

  You're the big bang of talent.

• 1:06:33Speaker 01

  Have you ever even met Beyonce?

• 1:06:35Conan O'Brien?

  What are you talking about? Why are you trying to chip away at me? Beyonce, Beyonce and I are tight. So let's not even go down that road.

• 1:06:42Speaker 01

  No, I don't know.

• 1:06:44Conan O'Brien?

  But I am one of her honeybees. Trust me.

• 1:06:48Speaker 01

  The fuck?

• 1:06:51Speaker 01

  Are you saying you're in the beehive?

• 1:06:53Conan O'Brien?

  I'm saying I'm one of her honeybees. And see, this is where you're wrong. If you know, if you knew Beyonce the way I did, you know that when you're on the real inside, you don't say beehive, you say, I'm one of the honeybees. So anyway, that's not the point. The point is, we keep the name up there. My friendship with Beyonce continues. And I feel damaged. You're, they are selling a product with my name, and I love it. You're, I, I pay you, I know I don't pay you well, but you are paid

• 1:07:22Speaker 07

  Yes.

• 1:07:22Conan O'Brien?

  to represent me, and here you are telling me there's no case here. They're using my name to sell.

• 1:07:28Speaker 07

  I didn't say you didn't have a case.

• 1:07:30Conan O'Brien?

  The damage has been done. This is already out there. And you're saying, oh, well, they could take it down. I don't really see a case here.

• 1:07:37Speaker 07

  No, I didn't say he didn't have a case. I said, we have to decide where you feel damaged and what, how, what we can prove of what your damages are. For example, if you said, I can't do this show anymore, then are you going to stop doing this podcast for the next, you know, X amount of months? If you're saying that, you know, I was so just disheartened, I went to therapy for, you know, six months. I couldn't get this out of my head. If, uh, you know, your name and likeness, you know, you're, I've heard someone's hosting, you know, again, the Oscars this year, right? You're like, I can't do it. This is, this is embarrassing. I can't do it. You have to prove your damages. You, you could say to me, I'm damaged by this, but how?

• 1:08:15Conan O'Brien?

  I can't feel my legs.

• 1:08:17Speaker 01

  Oh, boy.

• 1:08:18Conan O'Brien?

  I have no feeling in my legs.

• 1:08:20Speaker 04

  You don't get it.

• 1:08:21Conan O'Brien?

  From the pelvis down.

• 1:08:22Speaker 07

  I would say, you know what I would say?

• 1:08:23Conan O'Brien?

  This is, I can't use my legs.

• 1:08:25Speaker 07

  I would say after this, we're gonna get, we're gonna go to the doctor and we're gonna get that checked out.

• 1:08:30Conan O'Brien?

  I know the doctor too. His name is Dr. Arroyo.

• 1:08:32Speaker 07

  Perfect.

• 1:08:33Speaker 01

  Oh, man.

• 1:08:35Conan O'Brien?

  I will show up. You know what I do? I want to show up at Netflix with Dr. Arroyo in a wheelchair. Say, you put my name up as one of the people that got started on Star Search and I can't feel my legs. And then Dr. Arroyo will prove that by driving a steak through one of my legs and I will remain motionless.

• 1:08:50Speaker 01

  Is Dr. Arroyo in the wheelchair?

• 1:08:52Conan O'Brien?

  No. But you know what? Maybe just for good measure, we'll both be in wheelchairs.

• 1:08:56Speaker 04

  I have a question.

• 1:08:57Conan O'Brien?

  And I'll say, this is my doctor who's so upset about what happened to me, he can't feel his legs either.

• 1:09:03Speaker 04

  Is there any danger that Netflix could countersue saying that was a mistake and his name is hurting our brand?

• 1:09:09Speaker 07

  So, so you're saying that Netflix would come back and say, we, we made the mistake here and it's hurting our brand?

• 1:09:15Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:09:15Conan O'Brien?

  They, what he's saying, and I, I, I should be insulted about what you just said, but I actually think, but I actually think, I'm a fair person.

• 1:09:23Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:09:24Conan O'Brien?

  You might be on to something, which is by putting, Netflix could say, we're countersuing because this was a mistake. The computer accidentally took his name from the Mark Twain Award, you know, Mark Twain Prize that was on Netflix earlier this year. And somehow it got up there. And, um, and it has damaged our show because people love Beyonce, they love Britney Spears, they love Dave Chappelle, and then they- Saw Conan O'Brien and it's destroying us.

• 1:09:48Speaker 01

  And it's destroying Beyonce and Christina Aguilera because they're closest to your name. So they can also sue.

• 1:09:54Conan O'Brien?

  I'm a, I'm a black hole sucking the other stars and their light into, yeah.

• 1:09:58Speaker 02

  Sucking the other stars.

• 1:09:59Speaker 07

  Who would they be, the question is who would they be suing, right? Let's, let's say they, they hired a production company, right?

• 1:10:05Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 1:10:05Speaker 07

  Yeah. So they, they couldn't go after Conan, right? If he really had no knowledge that this was happening, right?

• 1:10:11Conan O'Brien?

  Nice try.

• 1:10:12Speaker 07

  If there was a production company, which we've hired before, Tim Koga's hired production companies to put on these kinds of shows. That potentially, although, you know, a unilateral mistake like that, um, that they may not have had knowledge that Conan O'Brien was on there. But if you pointed out and said, look, this is, it's possible.

• 1:10:30Conan O'Brien?

  I'm just gonna say this. I mean, I was a little disappointed because I was hoping you'd come in here and say, oh my God. They're selling a big show on Netflix, which is the streamer. And they're using your name that's false advertising, um, we're gonna get them. And instead, there's been a lot of sort of mealy mouth, hmm, maybe, I don't know, but hard to prove, uh, uh. Maybe they'll all just quiet, I'll make a phone call and this will go away, but no one will get any money. Um, and so I'm guessing, I'm saying, if I could fire you.

• 1:10:59Speaker 07

  Yes.

• 1:10:59Conan O'Brien?

  And I can, because I'm your boss.

• 1:11:02Speaker 07

  We went over this last time, right?

• 1:11:03Conan O'Brien?

  If I could fire.

• 1:11:04Speaker 07

  Yeah, okay, good.

• 1:11:05Conan O'Brien?

  And I can.

• 1:11:06Speaker 07

  Okay.

• 1:11:06Conan O'Brien?

  And you could hear me, which you can, because I'm talking.

• 1:11:09Speaker 07

  There you go.

• 1:11:10Conan O'Brien?

  And you have headphones on and you're listening.

• 1:11:12Speaker 07

  Yes, I do.

• 1:11:13Conan O'Brien?

  Then you'd be fired and you would no longer work for me, which is what's happening now.

• 1:11:17Speaker 07

  And if we would go back.

• 1:11:17Conan O'Brien?

  Because I just fired you.

• 1:11:18Speaker 07

  And if we went back in time, I would say you have a case, Conan, let's, let's do it.

• 1:11:24Speaker 07

  You are absolutely correct. Physical, emotional.

• 1:11:28Conan O'Brien?

  There's gonna be maybe one more installment where we found out, find out how this happened. Someone from Netflix has to tell us what happened.

• 1:11:35Speaker 07

  I'd love to find that out.

• 1:11:36Conan O'Brien?

  I don't know, who spotted this?

• 1:11:38Speaker 02

  Ruthie shared it with me, I'm not sure.

• 1:11:39Conan O'Brien?

  This is fantastic.

• 1:11:40Speaker 01

  Ruthie Wyatt.

• 1:11:41Conan O'Brien?

  This is great and I, I know there are probably people listening thinking Conan has enough. He doesn't need to make money off this, clearly just a mistake made by Netflix. No, there's never enough. I want to make a killing off this, okay?

• 1:11:56Speaker 07

  Sure.

• 1:11:57Conan O'Brien?

  I want to buy a Greek island with the money I get from this.

• 1:12:00Speaker 07

  I would think we would have to, again, it's just you and I talking, right? No one, no one else is listening. I would say, look, we, we have to try to at least show that we want to take this down. Even though you want it up, the first thing someone would ask you is, well, it's been up there for six months and you knew about it. That's a difficult thing to overcome, right?

• 1:12:17Conan O'Brien?

  I could see it coming down, but then I want it back up after the suit's over.

• 1:12:19Speaker 07

  There you go.

• 1:12:20Conan O'Brien?

  How's that? And I can't feel my legs. And neither can my doctor.

• 1:12:24Speaker 07

  I like the legs part.

• 1:12:25Conan O'Brien?

  All right. Uh, that it, we'll get to the bottom of this. So, yeah, more on this, uh, Netflix mystery.

• 1:12:32Speaker 07

  Yes.

• 1:12:33Conan O'Brien?

  When we come back.

• 1:12:34Speaker 07

  Thank you.

• 1:12:34Conan O'Brien?

  Thank you.

• 1:12:34Speaker 07

  Thank you for having me.

• 1:12:37Speaker 04

  Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend with Conan O'Brien, Sonam of Sessian, and Matt Gorley. Produced by me, Matt Gorley. Executive produced by Adam Sacks, Jeff Ross, and Nick Leal. Theme song by The White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. Engineering and mixing by Eduardo Perez and Brendan Burns. Additional production support by Mars Melnik. Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Britt Kahn. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Conan?

• 1:13:19Speaker 04

  Call the Team Coco hotline at 669-587-2847 and leave a message. It too could be featured on a future episode. You can also get three free months of SiriusXM when you sign up at siriusxm.com/conan. And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.

• 1:13:48Conan O'Brien?

  When you hear Alka-Seltzer, you probably think heartburn, right? Yep. Well, did you know Alka-Seltzer has a line of cold and flu medications known as Alka-Seltzer Cold? Did you know that, David? No, but I feel like we need it. Why didn't you know that, David? I know, you expect me to know everything. I knew this. Did you? Because I, yeah, I've tried it, it's really good. And I like that fizzy, fizzy, fizzy when you drop the Alka-Seltzer Cold into the water. You do, yeah. Alka-Seltzer Cold Fast Dissolves Tablets are designed to deliver cold and flu relief fast. Just drop the two tablets in water and hear those, uh, bubbles bursting into action, ready to work faster than pills. Bubbles faster than pills. Pills take time to dissolve. Not bubbles. Next time a cold or flu strikes, quick! Alka-Seltzer Cold. Nothing works faster for cold and flu symptom relief.

• 1:14:33Conan O'Brien?

  Among oral products. Use as directed.

• 1:14:38Conan O'Brien?

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