159: How to Rewire Your Core Beliefs & Attract Healthy Love

Do you ever feel unlovable, undeserving of good love, or just “too much”? These aren’t facts, they’re core beliefs running the show. In this episode, Sabrina Zohar explains how these beliefs form, why your brain clings to rejection, and how to reframe the stories you tell yourself. You’ll learn practical tools to reparent yourself, release old programming, and finally step into the love you’re worthy of. Stuck After the Podcast? Master Implementation in 8 Weeks with Sabrina's Foundation Course HERE! Enrollment for The Self Love Course, The Nervous System Course, and The Break Up Course is now closed. For your continued education and growth, please explore The Foundation Course, which is currently available. Get Ad free HERE! Want to work with Sabrina? HERE! Get merch for The Sabrina Zohar Show HERE! Don't forget to follow Sabrina and The Sabrina Zohar Show on Instagram and Sabrina on TikTok! Video now available on YOUTUBE! Disclaimer: The Sabrina Zohar Show, formerly known as Do The Work, is not affiliated with A. Z & associates LLC in any capacity. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Speaker 00

  Get this. When you're with Xfinity, you're already a member. No sign up, no cost. Score epic experiences from our family at NBC Universal. Plus movie tickets, discounts on streaming, mobile, and more. Check the Xfinity app every Thursday for exclusive perks and experiences. Only with Xfinity. Now that's the way to start a weekend. Let the magic begin. Restrictions apply. Visit Xfinity.com/membership to learn more.

• 0:30Speaker 01

  Welcome to the 50th Hunger Games.

• 0:32Speaker 02

  Witness the beginning of the revolution.

• 0:34Speaker 01

  Hey Mitch. You've been trying to take down these games from the start.

• 0:37Speaker 02

  Filmed for IMAX.

• 0:38Speaker 01

  Make them remember you.

• 0:41Speaker 02

  The Hunger Games: Sunrise on the Weeping, November 20th, rated PG-13.

• 0:45Sabrina Zohar?

  Hello, hello, hello. Welcome to another episode of the Sabrina Zohar Show. My name is Sabrina Zohar and I am your host. Happy Friday, babes. You know it. We're here together and I'm so excited. We are back for another series. So they're gonna build on each other. I hope you guys are enjoying the series. They seem to be doing really well, so fuck yeah, let's keep it going. This week, we're talking about core beliefs. They're like, I'm not good enough, I don't feel worthy, I don't feel deserving. What's wrong with me? I'm not lovable. All the things that make you really fucking human. And the next week, we're gonna go on to protest behavior. Then we're gonna talk about how to actually become secure. Like each week is gonna build on each other. And I'm really excited. So guys, as always, if you need anything, everything's available at the link in show notes. If you wanna work one-on-one, join a course. We have so many new things coming, I can't wait. And guys, don't forget merch.

• 1:29Sabrina Zohar?

  We are almost out of it, but if you smell, tell good the candle smells in here. These mugs, we've got a couple more sweaters left. Like I said, guys, whatever you need, it's always there. And if you're just here to listen to the show, we are so fucking grateful. Whether this is the first time or anywhere in between, welcome to the family. We love to have you. So, without further ado, let's get right on into it, shall we? Hi, friends. Oh, I've forgotten my intro. As always, to remind you guys, please don't forget to rate and review the show. I love you guys and I'm so grateful for you. It's the only way that I can keep it going. And thank you to our sponsors as always. So this is how we can keep the podcast free for you guys. And I'm, I'm learning to ask for my needs. I've mentioned this on the lives before when I go on live on TikTok. Guys, follow along in the socials if you wanna engage more. But I'm learning to- Ask for my needs as well of like, hey, here's what I could really use.

• 2:13Sabrina Zohar?

  And this is what helps that way. No one has to guess. No one has to mind read. And so I'm appreciative of you guys helping me create that space. So I wanted to talk about something today that I think hits really close to home, at least for me. And that's those core beliefs. And honestly, it's kind of playing into everything that's been going on recently. And again, so if you guys follow along on social, some of this might be your part of it. And if you're newer to this, like I will fill you in. But I've had even my core beliefs flare up and I think, one, it's just so human. It's so normal for these things to happen. But second, it doesn't mean it's factual and that's something that I've really been sitting with. And I'll share with you guys a personal experience, like as you guys know, I'm in a relationship. So I'm not in the trenches with you guys, but that doesn't mean I can't relate and understand what you're going through.

• 2:55Sabrina Zohar?

  It's just that we're going to insert a different topic here, but it's the same feelings. It's the same. And that also is why, which surprises me that the friendship episodes weren't more popular. But the friendship episodes that I did play into that aspect as well, that like this manifests in different environments. We just don't realize it because sometimes it's higher or bigger in one, like romantic. But seven years, eight years ago now, my mama went to the doctor with a headache and they found six brain aneurysms and two carotid arteries. And they gave her a three to 5% chance of survival, which is why I started software, my clothing company, which if you guys want it, check it out. Wear software.com. But when I started software, I was doing it because I genuinely wanted to do something different. I wanted to give back. I wanted to be there for my mom and support her in a different way. And I thought, what a beautiful way to do that.

• 3:39Sabrina Zohar?

  And for the last eight years, she's been good and they, you know, her doctor is like this miracle worker. He's this incredible neurosurgeon and she had all these specialists, like my mama had every doctor under the sun on this. And we thought we were good. And so then fast forward, here we are. Mom called me the other day and just said, hey, you know, they want me to do another scan. They're worried. Maybe something's back. I'm having neck pain again. And in that moment, I broke down. I became a five, six, seven year old little girl begging for my mama to be back. And then what happened was like my, me being dysregulated and me not being in the present moment, I was scared, I was fear. And so what did my little know how to do? It's like, you know, when we talk about that like fusion of parts, right? When they all come together, you think you are. And so when my little, my parts were trying to parent me, not me, the adult,

• 4:24Sabrina Zohar?

  you can imagine was hell in a handbasket. Like my, those parts didn't know how to be. The adults are all fucking wearing the big girl shoes and looking like it, but they're, you know, wearing their mama's clothes. And I went into manic mode of like, I need more, I need more. I was like, I have to grow the podcast, I have to grow courses, I have to do all this because what does that mean? I'll get, make more money, which means then I can provide safety. And at first it didn't hit me which part it was until I started saying, I'm a failure, I don't deserve this, I'm, there's something wrong with me. And my mama stopped and said, where's that voice coming from? And I said, I'm just, I'm scared to lose you. And I said that to also my coach and I was like, I'm scared to lose my mom. And when I started to understand, I was like, well, that's the eight year old in me that felt like there was something wrong with her, that I couldn't save my mom. And I had to be there for her and I had been so deeply ingrained from my father

• 5:07Sabrina Zohar?

  that I'm a fuck up and there's something wrong with me, or you're too much, but you're not enough, right? That fun dichotomy as a child of a narcissist. And in that moment, I realized like, oh, my core beliefs are running the show. Because that's why I felt like a loser and a failure and I couldn't do anything right. And it's like, my career is quite the contrary, I think. But it's also to exemplify that like intellectually, just because you know intellectually like, oh, well, I'm good, we have enough money in the bank and we're good, we're good, we're good. That doesn't mean that that little kid, that little child, that little version of you who has these core beliefs, doesn't believe otherwise. And instead of us trying to be like, just positively your way out of this, come on, just think happy thoughts, right? It's like, I'm reading Britt Frank's book right now and she made such a great example. And she was like, when people say like, oh, just get over it, it's in the past, right? We don't need to bother with that. Like, oh, so what?

• 5:52Sabrina Zohar?

  You were insecure when you were a kid, it's fine now. And she made the example, like, if you had a really tough dinner last night and it wrecked your stomach, would you wake up in the morning being like, well, that was dinner last night, thing of the past, forget about it? Like, no, you'd be like, wow, this is hurting me, it's in the present, it's something that happened then, it's still causing indigestion or whatever. And that's how I see core beliefs as well, is that they are the indigestion of kind of our thoughts, our feelings, our emotions. And really, It's the story that we're telling ourself. Because I'd love to know, I'm very curious. What is the story that you're telling yourself about perhaps why you're single? Or why the relationship that you want is out of like realm of possibility? I'd love to know, what answer do you come up with? Because for me, if a lot of the times I was like, there's something wrong with me. I fundamentally believed I am a flawed garment.

• 6:35Sabrina Zohar?

  I fundamentally believed, no, no, no, there's actually, I mean, think about even the fucking trolls that I get, the attacks, the reviews, things like that. It's like, sometimes I get such positivity and light and beauty. And that just shows us like, we're doing the work together. And then sometimes I get people that are really, really threatened by the fact that I'm who I am. That I'm very much in my body, in my feels. And I'm not trying to hide the version of who is showing up. But when I get somebody that attacks me or says that they can't stand me, or stop speaking so fast, and you, I don't like the way you talk. And it's like, yeah, I am going to mock those people for anyone that gets sensitive about that. Because that's fucking trolling, and that's being an asshole, and that's being mean. And that is where you can mock somebody. I'm not mocking someone that's like, oh, you need help from me? Like, that'd be an asshole. But I am going to put people in their place that belong to be in that fucking place.

• 7:19Sabrina Zohar?

  Because when you're making fun of someone else, when you're putting somebody down, when you're volatile towards somebody else, I don't owe you shit. And for a long time, that internalized to me that I'm not lovable. That I'm not worthy of like, love or deserving of it. Or I'm just, I'm too fucking much for people. And that was my biggest insecurity. And it was exemplified when somebody would come to me and say something. That didn't mean that I had to attack them. It depends, obviously, on the situation. But what that meant was, oh, that's something for me to look into. That's something for me to get curious about. That's something for me to say, wow, okay, that part of me was triggered just now. Again, doesn't mean I can't stand up for myself. The adult version of me can make a choice and be like, back the fuck up, go kick rocks without shoes. But if those core beliefs come out, right? Somebody ends it with you and you're like, I knew it, I'm not worthy, I'm not deserving. Like, those are when we have to say, how old am I?

• 8:03Sabrina Zohar?

  And so, let's get into some education of it, right? Because you guys know, I love to give you all of the stuff. But let's get into what this actually is. So there's something called the brain's evidence collection. Your brain remembers rejection five times more than acceptance. That's fucking insane. So when someone ghosts you, your brain files it under proof I'm unlovable. But yet, when someone compliments you, your brain's like, no, they don't really know me yet. And so you've literally programmed your brain, your nervous system to collect evidence against yourself. And that's why, for a lot of us, we will struggle to receive compliments. I'll never forget when I first met Scott, and he said something, and I said, thank you. And he just goes, wow, that's actually really impressive. And I said, what? And he said, you just accepted my compliment. And he was like, that's usually tough. And I was like, oh, no, no, it was. I was like, there was a part of me, you know, how many times when someone's like, I love your top, you're like, thanks, I got it on sale. Or like, oh, my sister gave it to me. I didn't choose it. And it's

• 8:48Sabrina Zohar?

  like, you, we automatically bring ourselves down by when somebody tries to do that. And that is because we are struggling to collect evidence. And we'll get into like, there's cognitive biases, there's other aspects. But I wanted to even just touch about that. And so the first one being like, I'm not lovable. And oh, my God, especially if you're the child of a narcissist or an unhealthy dynamic in childhood, that core belief really, really sticks true. And like, the core belief is that there is something fundamentally wrong with me. I'm a flawed garment. I was damaged. And how that manifests is we'll hide our authentic self, going to perform to earn love. And then what's the cycle? It's fake love. So it doesn't feel real. And then that it confirms the unlovable ability. And then you end up becoming in a vicious cycle, which we're, you know, and I think it's episode three, I have docked, we're going

• 9:32Sabrina Zohar?

  to talk about the cognitive dissonances and the disconnections of like, I say, I want all these things, but yet here I am. And it's like, because when you don't genuinely believe something, it's going to be really hard to show up, is it? So if you don't feel like you are lovable, and that, you know, my therapist asked me that, what parts of you don't feel lovable? And I remember instantly being like, my anxiety. And she was like, okay, could you explain? And I said, I don't think anyone's ever going to love those parts of me, because growing up, that's what I got in trouble for. Were my, was those aspects of me was the anxiety, the big personality, that always have something to say and question and ask. So of course, I don't think anyone's going to love those parts of me, because those are my exiles. And I don't even love those parts of me. And so I had to learn how to accept those parts, to validate them, to be like, oh, okay. Like, one of my parts that came out, her name was Karen, and she was being an asshole.

• 10:14Sabrina Zohar?

  She was there to encourage me to put myself down and to be hard on myself so that I'm not disappointed by other people, so that I could disappoint myself. And the poor thing, she was trying to protect me. And then I had another part that was like, hey, maybe we don't have to be so mean. Like, maybe she can deserve. And it's like, well, what both of those parts, to protect me. Both of those parts were trained to be there for me. But do you notice how they were coming out in different ways? And so I had to challenge and say, okay, does it mean that I'm not lovable simply because there are parts of me that other people don't like? Have I accepted that? Yeah, I've accepted that there was a little girl that would act out in ways like this because she was really hurt and she was scared. I'm not excusing her behavior. I'm never saying it's okay to do it and like in condoning it, but I can understand it and I can hold compassion and space for it.

• 10:55Sabrina Zohar?

  And just something I'd love you guys to start to get really comfortable with is how can I show up for me in the ways that nobody else showed up for me? That's the reparenting.

• 11:02Speaker 00

  Get this, when you're with Xfinity, you're already a member. No sign up, no cost. Score epic experiences from our family at NBC Universal. Plus movie tickets, discounts on streaming, mobile, and more. Check the Xfinity app every Thursday for exclusive perks and experiences only with Xfinity. Now that's the way to start a weekend. Let the magic begin. Restrictions apply. Visit Xfinity.com/membership to learn more.

• 11:32Sabrina Zohar?

  So then the second core belief is I don't deserve good love or I'm not deserving, I'm not worthy. And so that is the belief is that good things happen to other people, but they don't happen to me. Oh, boy, do I hear this. And so that kind of manifests, you'll start to settle for crumbs, you'll self sabotage when things go well or self protection. And so you'll push away good treatment, which is then going to confirm you are not worthy. And that's often why we'll be like, if I don't feel like I'm worthy and deserving of love, that's why I like the statement is you gotta love yourself more than the need to be loved by others. Versus if you don't love yourself, how the hell are you gonna love other people or how are people gonna love you? Right, there's different quotes for it. And I think the problem with those is they're very myopic, as if like I have to reach a level of enlightenment before I can have this. And it's like, that's not how love works. You are worthy and deserving of it from coming out the womb. And if somebody taught you that along the way that you weren't, then we can rectify that and tell them to fuck off mentally.

• 12:17Sabrina Zohar?

  Versus you telling that to yourself, I don't deserve this. And I get it, I get it. I have had that where like when. I've auditioned for stuff and I don't get the show or I don't get the hosting gig or I don't get the contract. I don't get the thing. I'm like, see, I don't deserve it. Other people are more deserving than me. They are harder workers or people like them more. And it's like, because my core belief is that there's fundamentally something wrong with me and that other things, good things happen to other people. And I saw that growing up. I'd be like, oh, wow, they have a dad that's there and doesn't leave them. Like, what does that feel like? Oh, it's other people get it, not me. That's okay. That doesn't mean that there's fact to that. That's just how you feel. And I can hold space for that. And now there's one. This last one is the one that hits home for me. I'm too much. Ooh, I'm too much, but not enough. And so the belief there is that my emotions, my needs, or my personality overwhelm other people.

• 13:01Sabrina Zohar?

  And so how does that manifest? We'll start to shrink, we'll suppress, we'll apologize for even fucking existing and taking up air. And then the cycle here is like, you'll lose yourself trying to be, like, not be too much, but then you'll feel unseen and unloved. And this is really where I'm saying, like, you gotta fucking take up space. Because here's the vicious cycle. You want to talk about some studies here about like a negativity bias, which is that five times faster memory static. But when we have a negativity bias of I'm too much, we are entering in being like, there's something wrong with me. My needs are too much. Because maybe growing up, you had a caregiver who exemplified that. Hi, nice to see you. That's me. And so then when I would go to people, the minute I'd be like, hey, so I like, kind of need a day by myself. And when that wasn't met well, you're like, oh, my God, there's something wrong with me. That brings us back to childhood, because that's an instant core

• 13:43Sabrina Zohar?

  belief. When you went to a caregiver or a parent and there was too much, right? They didn't have the emotional bandwidth to receive it. Doesn't mean they were bad people. You don't have to have an asshole of a parent for them to not have been able to show up in the ways that you need. That's just also like being a human. But when that happens, then that teaches the kid, no, see, look, there's something wrong with you. You're too much. Don't have any needs. And then we try to play the cool girl or guy. Then what happens? You go for people that are emotionally unavailable. Then the emotionally unavailable people are, the minute you have a need and say like, hey, so, you know, I'd love this. And they're like, ugh. God, it's like, well, they benefited from the fact that you didn't have any needs, because you grew up knowing that if you don't have needs, then you won't be abandoned. But then here you are, abandoning yourself. You see the vicious cycle I'm describing. And so it's really important to know and to be cognizant of that. We have something called the self verification theory.

• 14:26Sabrina Zohar?

  So we seek evidence confirming these existing beliefs. And then when we have core belief research, then these beliefs filter our experiences. And these are actually like studies that have been done to show that so that we understand like the nuance to it. Because this doesn't mean that's an intuition. That's your bias. And that's why when people will be like, I knew it. See, told you. And it's like, well, yeah, let me show you the people that you're fucking dating. And then come back and tell me that you're shocked that they all end the same. Because you know what I'll say? Same with you, baby. You want to come and tell me, see, told you, I knew it. I knew they were going to leave me. I knew they were going to abandon me. My response would be, see, told you, knew you were going to go for people that weren't going to be able to hold space, knew that you were going to hide your needs because it's predictable. And your brain is literally filtering out evidence that contradicts these beliefs,

• 15:10Sabrina Zohar?

  which is why we'll get into self verification and action. See, I knew it, told you, because it's confirmation bias. It doesn't actually mean that that's your intuition. Because your intuition is typically much calmer. Well, when we start to look anxiety versus intuition, intuition is calm. There's no body sensations. You don't have rumination, thoughts, spirals. It's usually just, no, that feels right. I'm going to go for that. Versus anxiety where we are creating an entire fucking narrative to reaffirm those core beliefs. And that's why we do it. And so now you see why I'm always saying like, let's look at the mental state. Let's look at the thought processes. So I wanted to get into some Q and A. Guys, as always, follow along on the Sabrina Zohar Show on Instagram specifically because I do question boxes when I have solos. So that way, when I say these questions, you'll know where they're from. And you guys can write into in the trenches at sabrina zohar.com if not, and you want

• 15:55Sabrina Zohar?

  to send in like stories or anything, and I'll answer them on the bonus episode on Tuesday. So don't forget to listen to those. And guys, like I said, if any of this has hit, I'm always available, right? If you even want to ask a question, you want to fucking join one of the courses. If you ever need me, I'm here. And if not, thank you just for being here so far and listening to the podcast. It's just the reminders along the way so that if you guys know that you're not alone. So just want to let you know. Okay. So one of you guys have written in and said, "I'm feeling like no one will see me as girlfriend material." And that honestly is when you've moved from feeling unlovable to now fusing and being an unlovable person because you are tying your identity instead of a temporary feeling. So we have now conflated and welcome to fusing. That's an exact example, and it's so human of like, "I am unlovable."

• 16:39Sabrina Zohar?

  No, I feel unlovable. It's a temporary thing because maybe the person I really liked didn't show up for me. So that made me feel that because it's similar to what my caregivers had. So there's a part of me that feels unlovable. But when I say "I am," that's why I'm always saying, guys, stop with the self-identification of like, "I'm my avoidant attachment." "I'm anxious attachment." It's like, stop that. Because the more you self-identify with "I am anxious," then what you're telling your brain is, "I can't change." And they're my avoidant. They're not your fucking anything. You don't own these people. These are people in your life. So start to unfuse so that you can distance between the feelings and the facts and where it is that you are. So someone else had asked, "I pose as a secure woman." Oh, I get that. But I question myself a lot. Can men smell that? Here's a harsh reality. You think you're good at hiding your insecurities,

• 17:24Sabrina Zohar?

  but the thing is that I'd like you to know is when your words say like, "I'm confident," but your energy is like, "No, please don't leave me," people can feel the disconnect. You're not fucking fooling anybody. You're just confusing them and yourself. Because authentic vulnerability beats that fake fucking confidence every single time. And I was that girl. I would go out with guys and they would all think I was like this really strong, independent, "I don't need anybody." Because I came off as that. But inside, I was like a little teddy bear. And I would always get so bummed because I'm like, I come off as a super secure woman and then I'd fucking lose my shit because a guy didn't text me. And then they'd be confused and like, "Huh?" But like, that's not the girl that I thought you were. And it was like, because it wasn't authentic, it wasn't real. And I've said this to you guys before. People can pick up on your anxiety, so stop trying to hide it. Stop trying to pretend like, "Oh, that doesn't bother me." Or when I even have clients who'll say something like, "No, no, no, like, I wasn't that big of a deal."

• 18:09Sabrina Zohar?

  And it's like, it's okay to say, "Yeah, you're right. I got anxious about that." Okay, I'll own it. Versus diminishing it because none of us are being fooled. Right? It's like meeting me when people are like, "You have ADHD." I'm like, "Oh, you didn't know?" And if you know it, you'll identify it. And if you don't, you might not see it. But yeah, people can pick up when there's a disconnect between what you say that you want and how you're acting. And that's why I also say, change how you show up. Change, work on your nervous system. Work on regulating. Work on showing up more authentically. And bitch, I will tell you, your fucking life will change. Because then people, when your words and actions will align. And you'll start to say what you mean and mean what you say. And it's a totally different ballgame. And that's why Ryan and I were together after, because he said you were not afraid to lose me. And that was really, really hot.

• 18:47Speaker 00

  Get this. When you're with Xfinity, you're already a member. No sign up, no cost. Score epic experiences from our family at NBC Universal. Plus movie tickets, discounts on streaming, mobile and more. Check the Xfinity app every Thursday for exclusive perks and experiences only with Xfinity. Now that's the way to start a weekend. Let the magic begin. Restrictions apply. Visit Xfinity.com/membership to learn more.

• 19:17Sabrina Zohar?

  So let's talk about the kind of the I'm not worthy pattern. So someone said, had asked, I'm stuck between knowing my worth, being a boss bitch. But in dating and relationships, I question myself. Well, there's nothing wrong with you. That's very human, but you just have a domain specific insecurity. And so you can feel worthy at work and unworthy in love because they activate different parts of your parts and your history. And so maybe you earned people's love at growing up by how you performed in work or in school, rather. And so you learned you're like, I'm good there. I know how to be there. That doesn't trigger me as much. But then when I get into relationships, it's a different domain that's active. And it's also a reality. Nothing will trigger you closer to your caregivers than romantic relationships. Not your work, not your friends, not your anything, because there's a difference. We activate different parts in those areas.

• 20:01Sabrina Zohar?

  But you can definitely be triggered in those moments. Like I might be super secure in my relationship, but sometimes in my career I have insecure moments because I'm a human. And that just means that maybe in my work, I'm a lot more confident or vice versa. Right? Maybe in friendships, as I say it, I'm realizing I'm not. I'm not, I have my insecurities in every aspect. And that's also what I'd invite you guys to get curious about. You notice how just now I was trying to be like, no, no, no, like I'm good in my career or I'm good in my relationships. It's just my career. It's like, well, no, before I used to not be good at my relationships and I had to work towards that. And I used to think it wasn't my career. And then now I'm realizing, oh no, that stuff manifests in my career. It's just I downplayed it, right? With the hustle culture of I'm working 24/7. Oh, I downplayed that versus realizing like, that was also like perfectionism and people pleasing and not setting boundaries. But we think, oh, that's fine. That doesn't impact me there.

• 20:46Sabrina Zohar?

  It's just when I'm in relationships, I start to change. And it's like, maybe, but maybe it's also the different parts are being activated. And so someone else said, well, it was more of a statement. When they don't come back, it reinforces that I'm not good enough. And again, that's classic confirmation bias. You're using a neutral event as evidence against your fucking self. Because someone not texting you back or breaking it off could be 475 different things, but your brain picks the one that confirms your unworthiness. That's where I would say is the difference between anxiety and intuition. Right there, you're creating a narrative about yourself that doesn't fucking exist. Even, here's the thing, I have said this to you guys on the podcast before. I have asked my friends, my clients, anybody, when some, think about the last person you ended it with. And I know some people look, I don't end it that often. It's like, okay, well, then maybe we need to start being a little bit more discerning with who we choose.

• 21:31Sabrina Zohar?

  But think about the last person. Would you go and be like, they're not worthy of my love? I wouldn't, unless they were so blatantly disrespectful. But it wouldn't be that they're not worthy of my love. They don't deserve my love because they're not, but worthiness. What is worth, who determining your worth? So some schmo that you meet on the internet is suddenly going to determine if you're worthy and deserving of love? Or is that maybe you who gets to choose that? So just reconfirms it. And then we have goes into too much, right? Someone that I've always feel like I'm too much when I start caring and things get deeper than they leave. And again, we are internalizing someone else's inability to handle depth as proof that you are excessive. But here's a reframe. What if you're not too much? You're just with people who can't step up in the ways that you need.

• 22:12Sabrina Zohar?

  Because it is a classic, a classic avoidant detachment is, I can't give you what you need. And those people are a hundred percent right. Because what they're saying is I've given you the, the shallow stuff, but you need depth and I can't offer that. And so instead of internalizing it, like, see, I'm too much. Well, again, that's confirmation bias because you're dating people that don't have the bandwidth to show up. Versus when you stop thinking you're too much about yourself and you start owning who the fuck you are and realizing that you're amazing as you are, you stop giving a shit when you're too much to people. Good, go find fucking less, do me the favor. And it's the same energy I bring with the podcast, with my client, with anything. If you want to come and call me too much, then good. Exit stage left and go find someone fucking else that matches more what you'd like.

• 22:55Sabrina Zohar?

  I don't need to water myself down to be more palatable for you. And that's just a reality. Feedback is very different. If I have 25 people telling me the exact same thing that I respect, that I admire, that these are people that, then I might take their feedback. But I met this person on the fucking internet, maybe I've even met them yet or whatever. And you're telling me I'm too much? And yet I'm going to put my entire validation and worth into three little fucking words that you come and say to me? Nah, bitch, get real. So we gotta stop calling yourself too much because you know what's too much? Pretending to be someone you're not to keep someone who doesn't actually have the bandwidth to receive you. Because you're not too much, baby. You're just with people who can't welcome that. And honestly, the right person won't make you feel like you need to shrink. I have never, I mean, I lied. I'm not gonna even say that.

• 23:40Sabrina Zohar?

  It's not that I've never felt like I'm too much for Ryan. I felt like maybe my anxiety was too much. But not me. I don't self identify as I am too much. Maybe the anxiety I have is too much for my partner. Maybe, right? A part of me doesn't feel like I'm deserving of this because a part of me has seen other people have success. But that doesn't mean, right? The comparison trap, that doesn't mean there's anything wrong with me. And one more question is, I get anxiety about saying too much and scaring them off as a, of scaring the person off. I'm coming across as needy. You're so busy managing their perception of you that you never get to find out if they actually like you for fucking you because you're performing, you're not connecting. And that is a harsh goddamn reality. Every time it's, I hear this every day of like, I don't want to say too much. I don't want to be too much. You're trying to emotionally regulate and manage

• 24:25Sabrina Zohar?

  the entire situation because that's the perception of control when all you have control is of yourself. You only control how you show up. I can't control how I'm received. I can't control, I cannot. I have tried this. I have tried, sometimes I have literally tried to make videos where I'm like, okay, I'm just gonna say this in a nice tone. I'm gonna do, I'm think it's perfect. And then there's always the one that's like, I don't like your tone. I don't like what you, I disagree. And you're like, man, I tried so hard. And it's like, because I can't control that. I don't need to perform anymore. Instead, what I can do is be myself. I'd rather be rejected for who I am than who I pretend to be.

• 24:59Speaker 00

  Get this. When you're with Xfinity, you're already a member. No sign up, no cost. Score epic experiences from our family at NBC Universal. Plus movie tickets, discounts on streaming, mobile, and more. Check the Xfinity app every Thursday for exclusive perks and experiences only with Xfinity. Now that's the way to start a weekend. Let the magic begin. Restrictions apply. Visit Xfinity.com/membership to learn more.

• 25:31Sabrina Zohar?

  All right, I want one more question. I know my insecurities, my brain accepts these and is okay, but how does my heart do that too? Well, welcome to are you intellectualizing or are you implementing? Because that's why I'm saying you can be, it's not about being stupid. It's not about not understanding, like you're not a moron. You cognitively understand. But the reality is if it all, if it were just about cognitive understanding, if I were to tell you right now, here, read a book about how to do a deadlift, but then you go and you can't do a deadlift. It's like, because understanding it cognitively isn't enough. And that doesn't automatically translate to emotional healing. Your head might get it, but your nervous system is still running on that old fucking programming. And so in order for us to connect, we need you to get in your body. So unfortunately now, the nervous system course gone that we had, but I'm going to create more. That's why I'm actually in the process right now of creating a program for you guys

• 26:16Sabrina Zohar?

  that'll actually walk everyone through on how to do that properly. But I would say at the end of the day, we really got to start. And where it starts from is trying to connect the dots in the sense where like, if my head doesn't get it, then I would say, what does my heart want to tell me? And then how can I reparent? How can I be there for those littles? How can I be the adult that they needed? What is it that they need to hear? What actions for me do they need to see? And then also the reality is it's going to take you a minute. Please don't think that this happens overnight. I am what an eight years into my journey and I'm still learning every single day. So I want us to also normalize that this is going to take a minute. And it's going to take you fucking time. And there's a reality, these beliefs didn't just form in a fucking vacuum. They were adaptive responses to situations where you needed to survive.

• 27:00Sabrina Zohar?

  A kid, honestly, like if I meet a kid that believes there are too much, they probably had caregivers who couldn't handle their emotions. And if I meet somebody who might say, I'm not worthy, they probably had inconsistent love, which is why they don't believe that they get consistency. And those beliefs kept you safe. But unfortunately, they're no longer protecting you or sabotaging you. And I want us to really, really have an understanding that there's nothing wrong with you. You're not broken, there's nothing to fix. But what I need you guys to do is I need you to stop saying that you're working on yourself until you find someone, because you know what that really means? That you believe that you are fundamentally broken and need to earn love through being perfect or perfectionism. And that's not self-improvement, that's just punishing yourself with a fucking Pinterest quote.

• 27:40Sabrina Zohar?

  So stop with the platitudes of like, eh, no, you will receive the love you believe you're deserving of. Let that sink in one more time. You'll receive the love you believe you are worthy and deserving of. And that's the quote that we had. Don't believe everything you think is one of my favorite fucking things, but above my sink, it says, "I'll see it when I believe it." Because we always say, "I'll believe it when I see it." And it's like, well, sometimes that doesn't work. So I want you guys to think long and hard. Why do you end relationships before they can reject you? Because somewhere along the way, you decided that it was safer to be alone than be disappointed. But what if I told you that that's self-protection or self-sabotage? And you're creating the exact loneliness you're trying to avoid? Because when you're so scared and have so much fear and trepidation of it, it's because of it, what does it mean about you?

• 28:23Sabrina Zohar?

  And what is it gonna say about you and your core beliefs? And the truth, the truth about the core beliefs? And I'll fuck with them, do ya? Because personally, sometimes they can fuck right off. But these beliefs aren't facts about you. They're just outdated survival strategies. And the good news is that you can change those beliefs. You can develop what's called earned security. Hi, nice to meet you. Regardless of how these beliefs formed, you can fucking rewire them. You can do this work. And you can actually show up for yourself in different ways. And what does that actually look like? Not believing, "I'll never think I'm too much again." Because that's not true. But instead, we reframe that with, "When I think I'm too much, I'll remember that old programming, not my current truth." I can reframe it to understand where I'm at. We can create a new operating system. And so again, part of this is a lot is us.

• 29:08Sabrina Zohar?

  Instead of "I'm not lovable," I'd love you to replace that with, "I'm learning to love myself and attract people who accept me for who the fuck I am." Instead of "I don't deserve good love," I'd like you to maybe replace that with, "I'm worthy of love and learning to recognize it." "I'm not too much, baby. I'm just learning to be authentic and find people who match my fucking energy." There is nothing wrong with you. And I have even had to leave that. I've had to learn that. I've had to leave that shit on the table, that there's "I'm too much and there's something wrong with me." Because imagine I came to you guys and said that, "Oh, well, all these people keep telling me I'm too much, so maybe I'd stop." And you'd be like, "Well, wait a minute, but what about us? What about the people that don't believe that? What about the part of the population that thinks that I'm just enough as I am? So can we make space for those people and stop trying to hold on to the people that reaffirm the other core beliefs?" You do not need to be perfect to be loved.

• 29:53Sabrina Zohar?

  You don't need to earn worthiness. And you are not fucking too much for the right person. Maybe your anxiety might be. Maybe your expectations might be. But you as a person are not, so let's... Diffuse and let's start to really take up space in what we need to own, which is maybe I have parts of me that can be worked on, but your core beliefs are not a fucking life sentence. They are just old software running on new hardware. And so it's time for a goddamn upgrade, my babies. So come on next week, because we're going to start going into those anxious brain beliefs and the dating desire, all of those things. And we're going to start to debunk the protest behavior. I think that's next week's episode. And so I'm excited. It's a totally different element and we need to fucking normalize

• 30:35Sabrina Zohar?

  this shit because there ain't nothing wrong with you, baby. You are just enough as you are. And until I really believed that, I just wasn't going to see it. Because how could I? How could I show up authentically as myself if I didn't believe that who I was deserved to be there? So maybe we could start with today, that every single person here is deserving and worthy of being here. I don't care where the fuck you come from. I don't care any of that. As long as you have that same respect for me, all are welcome. But remember, it's not my job to keep everybody here. And I want you to remember that. Everybody is welcomed into your life, but only the people that belong there are the ones that stay. I love you guys. I hope this episode was helpful and that we could start to debunk some core beliefs. It's just the beginning. I talk more about this in the book and we go like way further into it, which is really fun. But I hope this is enough, guys. If

• 31:17Sabrina Zohar?

  you loved it, please leave a comment, leave a review, even if it's like hearts on the episodes or in spite, it doesn't matter. It helps so much and that just triggers to the algorithm that more people need to listen to this. Share it with a friend, put it in your Facebook groups. And honestly, just thank you for being here. If you guys need more, as always, there's course, work one-on-one, ask a question, you can get a dating app profile audit, or just listen to the podcast, follow along in the socials and enjoy your goddamn life right alongside me, baby. Because I'm not going anywhere and I am by your side through it all. All right, y'all. I'd actually be curious, drop in the comments, what is your core belief that you're letting go of? What is the one that you were just like, oh, that got me in the gut? Let's start to normalize how many of us are going through this together. My babies, until next week.

• 32:03Speaker 00

  Get this. When you're with Xfinity, you're already a member. No sign up, no cost. Score epic experiences from our family at NBC Universal. Plus movie tickets, discounts on streaming, mobile, and more. Check the Xfinity app every Thursday for exclusive perks and experiences. Only with Xfinity. Now that's the way to start a weekend. Let the magic begin. Restrictions apply. Visit Xfinity.com/membership to learn more.

• 32:33Speaker 01

  Welcome to the 50th Hunger Games.

• 32:35Speaker 02

  Witness the beginning of the revolution.

• 32:37Speaker 01

  Hey Mitch, you've been trying to take down these games from the start.

• 32:40Speaker 02

  Filmed for IMAX.

• 32:42Speaker 01

  Make them remember you.

• 32:44Speaker 02

  The Hunger Games: Sunrise on the Reaping, November 20th, rated PG-13.