"Jim Gaffigan"

Ladies and gents, it’s Jim Gaffigan the clapping sea lion! 200 commercials, 11 specials, 5 children, and a bunch of bottles o’ bourbon. “Did they introduce new numbers?” Welcome to SmartLess.

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Sean Hayes?

  This episode of Smartless is sponsored by Google Book. So this may not surprise you, I have a lot of thoughts in my head. And my dream is to just blurt them out and somehow get them down on paper, because my brain works way faster than my hands. That's where Google Book comes in. It's a whole new kind of laptop. No more typing, you just talk, and the Rambler feature cleans up your ums and uhs and all the times you change your mind. Basically, it turns messy thoughts into tidy text. Visit googlebook.com for details. Available in select countries and languages to 18-plus users. Check the responses for accuracy.

• 0:43Jason Bateman?

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• 1:23Sean Hayes?

  The place you call home is important to you. So, it's important to Allstate. Because home is where you make all your memories. Things like inviting your friends over for game night and discovering that one of them takes charades way, way too seriously. It's these memories that make a house feel like home. If it's important to you, it's important to Allstate. Switch to Allstate, and you could save hundreds on home insurance today. Not available in every state. Potential savings vary, subject to terms and qualifications. Allstate North American Insurance Company and Affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois.

• 1:59Sean Hayes?

  Sitting in traffic, huh? Watching an old lady with a walker make it further up the road than you have in the last 15 minutes? And of course, your gas tank is in the perfect spot between not a problem to stranded on the highway. Hit your booking point? Book with Southwest and enter airplane mode. Experience award-winning reliability, fly with the best crew in the sky, and never worry about change or cancellation fees. Now tell that old lady to slow down. Kids live around here. Southwest Airlines, enter airplane mode.

• 2:42Sean Hayes?

  Hey guys, I got a mouthful of English muffin with a glass full of apple juice here on the rocks. Thank you very much. And I'm here with my surprise guest today, who is a clapping sea lion.

• 2:57Sean Hayes?

  Oh my god. This is, by the way, before Jason and Will are on. Welcome to Smartless.

• 3:21Sean Hayes?

  Crazy. I can't see surprise guest yet. Maybe their cameras are... No, you're not supposed to. Wait, how does it work? You're not supposed to...

• 3:31Sean Hayes?

  By the way, he won't, he won't stop clapping.

• 3:36Sean Hayes?

  Oh, we got a live one?

• 3:38Will Arnett?

  Yeah, we got a live one.

• 3:39Sean Hayes?

  Oh, boy.

• 3:42Sean Hayes?

  Might want to just get right to this guest into our chat afterwards.

• 3:46Will Arnett?

  We've got some fooling work going on over here.

• 3:48Sean Hayes?

  We had, by the way, what a wonderful dinner we had last night.

• 3:51Will Arnett?

  We had a nice dinner, didn't we, the three of us?

• 3:53Sean Hayes?

  We really did. Listener, you know, the three of us don't really get a chance to have just a three top, you know? Not since the early 90s, yeah. It went really well. Sean generously picked up the bill.

• 4:06Will Arnett?

  I know.

• 4:07Sean Hayes?

  Kind of sneaky-like.

• 4:08Will Arnett?

  Very sneaky-like. I know, I gotta be honest.

• 4:11Sean Hayes?

  I enjoy doing it.

• 4:11Will Arnett?

  I know. I know it's nice to do, but consider this sometime, and again, I don't want this to seem like I'm being ungrateful, because it was very nice of you, so thank you. This is all dressed up in a thank you. But keep in mind...

• 4:23Sean Hayes?

  I got a heart out in five minutes.

• 4:24Will Arnett?

  Other people. Might want to have the opportunity to do that as well.

• 4:28Jason Bateman?

  I know.

• 4:28Will Arnett?

  So, so you don't want to take away from other people the ability.

• 4:32Jason Bateman?

  Will, save it. Will's got about the fucking shortest fucking T-Rex arms you'll ever find at a dinner table. This fucking guy, you could fucking, you could drop a check on fire in front of him and he wouldn't bat it out. He wouldn't touch it. He'd just let it catch his fucking pants on fire before he touched a burning.

• 4:57Will Arnett?

  That is, that is so untrue. That is patently untrue.

• 5:02Jason Bateman?

  Prove me wrong.

• 5:03Will Arnett?

  Sean, one of the crew members just walked through.

• 5:06Jason Bateman?

  Yeah, a bear just walked through your living room.

• 5:09Sean Hayes?

  A bear crew member.

• 5:13Jason Bateman?

  Speaking of livestock, we, we, we, we ate a lot of cooked cow last night. And I, I woke up at 2:30 in the morning and had to chug Pepto Bismol because

• 5:25Sean Hayes?

  Your body's not used to it.

• 5:26Jason Bateman?

  My stomach is so unused to, it was like, that was like, it was like a four pound steak.

• 5:30Sean Hayes?

  Wasn't that so good going down though?

• 5:32Jason Bateman?

  Oh yeah, it was great.

• 5:33Sean Hayes?

  I know, I love that.

• 5:34Will Arnett?

  It was so good. Actually, you know what, Sean, after you left us, we went and tried, uh, we, we were both stuffed. We were tired, as we know, we, we only went five more blocks.

• 5:44Jason Bateman?

  That fucking steak sandwich.

• 5:45Will Arnett?

  We were at Bradley's house and he's got a steak, you know, he's opening a, um,

• 5:49Jason Bateman?

  Yeah, steak.

• 5:50Will Arnett?

  Steak sandwich shop in the Lower East Side.

• 5:51Sean Hayes?

  Yeah, so good. By the way, he made them for all of us.

• 5:54Jason Bateman?

  Danny, Danny and Coops, something like that?

• 5:56Will Arnett?

  I think that's right. Is it Danny and Coops?

• 5:58Jason Bateman?

  Check it out. I think it's on Avenue A, he said.

• 6:00Will Arnett?

  Yeah, in the Lower East Side, it's, makes just.

• 6:03Jason Bateman?

  So good.

• 6:04Will Arnett?

  I think, what did he, JB, did he say on the menu, it's just steak sandwiches?

• 6:08Jason Bateman?

  Yeah, either with cheese or without, period.

• 6:10Will Arnett?

  No, with onions or without.

• 6:12Jason Bateman?

  Oh God, right, right. It's gonna be huge.

• 6:15Will Arnett?

  So Sean, so after that menu, after that, that meal we had last night, Jason and I go over there and then Bradley's literally cooking these up in his house and he goes, here we go, and he's got his kids there and a bunch of other people and he's like, here you go. And, and we're like, no, man, we just fucking, we just had an absolute feast.

• 6:31Jason Bateman?

  Yeah.

• 6:32Will Arnett?

  And then within 20 minutes, JB gets up.

• 6:35Jason Bateman?

  Yeah, and has him?

• 6:36Sean Hayes?

  Well, no wonder you got up at 2:30 in the morning.

• 6:38Jason Bateman?

  Well, but because he walked me through the whole process of how he got the recipe from this guy who makes the best steak sandwiches in Philadelphia. And then, you know, Bradley like perfected it over like a year because he just loved these sandwiches so much. He taught himself how to cook them and then approached the guy to open up an annex.

• 6:55Sean Hayes?

  It's so good.

• 6:55Jason Bateman?

  You know, basically.

• 6:56Sean Hayes?

  Don't you remember he made them for us like, I don't know, nine, eight, nine months ago? They were so good.

• 7:00Will Arnett?

  Yes, I do remember. Anyway, it was really, and I ended up having one too, and they were absolutely delicious.

• 7:05Sean Hayes?

  But, but how about this?

• 7:06Will Arnett?

  I walked back because.

• 7:08Sean Hayes?

  First of all, I got two things to say about. So when we got it from the, number one, when we got it from the table last night at dinner. Jason, you pulled aside and said, I gotta run to the bathroom quick. So me and Will went outside and waited for you.

• 7:20Jason Bateman?

  I should have thrown it all up at that point. Taken it all out of me.

• 7:24Sean Hayes?

  In the bathroom. And then we're standing there. And then you come out and both Will and I are like, wait a minute, who's this fucking guy coming up, talking to us out of the blue? He's like, it's crazy.

• 7:35Will Arnett?

  And I thought.

• 7:36Sean Hayes?

  And you thought.

• 7:37Will Arnett?

  Where's JB?

• 7:38Sean Hayes?

  Yeah.

• 7:38Will Arnett?

  I'm like, I'm thinking.

• 7:39Jason Bateman?

  You're like, who's this twink? Yeah.

• 7:43Will Arnett?

  You wish, you wish.

• 7:46Jason Bateman?

  Well, I don't even know what a twink is. Is that, is it good or bad?

• 7:48Sean Hayes?

  You got it. No, you're a twink.

• 7:51Jason Bateman?

  So listener, I, they're talking about because I, I've had my, I've looked like Jesus Christ for the last nine months, basically. Because I'm playing this guy with long hair and long beard and all that stuff. And I just cut it all off because we came to the end of the thing.

• 8:06Will Arnett?

  The number of people, and Sean, you're probably the same, who have come up to me. As if I'm your wife over the last six months go, hey, or texted me, people have gone so far, they're like, hey, what's up with Jason? How come his hair is so long? And I'm like, he's an actor. You, what are you?

• 8:21Jason Bateman?

  But they all assume, I love it, that nobody, I love that nobody assumes that I would be doing it for any sort of acting part like.

• 8:27Will Arnett?

  Nobody thinks you're in trouble.

• 8:30Jason Bateman?

  Everybody thinks I'm in trouble. They, they go there instead of like, well, he's not much of a thespian. He's not going to change his look for a part. He must've just hit fuck it and we gotta send him some money. Yeah.

• 8:40Will Arnett?

  Why did, why did Marty Berg grow his hair?

• 8:45Sean Hayes?

  And then you dropped me off and then we said, when we, I went, I'm like, Will, where's uptown? Cause I'm so lost downtown. Like, I don't understand. And he goes, just go that way. I was walking for like 20 minutes. I'm like, I'd have no idea.

• 8:55Jason Bateman?

  Block from 8th Avenue and he, he walked all the way into the Hudson River.

• 8:58Sean Hayes?

  I was, I was no idea where I was. I was scared out of my mind. And then I asked these four people, I'm like, do you know where like Uptown? Like which direction Uptown is?

• 9:09Jason Bateman?

  Well, first, give us your wallet. You got mugged.

• 9:13Will Arnett?

  You ask people which direction Uptown is?

• 9:17Sean Hayes?

  And it was a young married couple and then in-laws. And the married couple was like, yeah, you go that way. And then the mom of the in-laws goes, oh, my God, Will and Grace. And then the two young married couples like, oh, my God, Smartless. And then the dad goes, just to make sure to keep me real, he goes, I don't know who the hell you are.

• 9:34Jason Bateman?

  Right?

• 9:35Sean Hayes?

  And I go.

• 9:38Will Arnett?

  It's the funniest. Isn't that the funniest instinct that people have? I've had people come up and go like, hey, my friends want to pick. I have no idea you, I wouldn't know, pick you out of a lineup of one. I couldn't care less.

• 9:49Jason Bateman?

  You're zero to me.

• 9:49Sean Hayes?

  Yeah, you're zero, that's basically what it is.

• 9:51Will Arnett?

  But anyway, they want to get a pick, and you're like, okay, well, thanks for telling me, man. I didn't ask.

• 9:55Sean Hayes?

  Anyway, um, let's get into our guest. He's been waiting long enough.

• 10:01Sean Hayes?

  It's like.

• 10:01Will Arnett?

  Honestly, Sean, I feel like, why are you crying?

• 10:06Will Arnett?

  This is like, we've unearthed, okay, let's not get into it.

• 10:11Sean Hayes?

  Okay, this guy makes me laugh so hard. I love this guy. We've got a lot in common, both Midwestern boys, large Irish families. Interesting fact, he's been in over 200 commercials. He's performed for the Pope. I think that means stand-up. And how when he was.

• 10:26Jason Bateman?

  200 commercials? That's amazing.

• 10:29Sean Hayes?

  And how when he was eight, he stood in line for two hours to meet Jimmy Walker from Good Times just to have him sign dynamite. Well, today, we get the other explosive Jimmy. Guys, it's the brilliant, the prolific, the funny, the lovable, Jim Gaffigan, who we love.

• 10:43Jason Bateman?

  Jim Gaffigan? Wow. Wow. Hello there. I'm a big fan of yours.

• 10:49Speaker 03

  Shucks, geez. You know what was so weird is you guys went to dinner last night, and I don't know why, and I think the listeners should know this, that you made me be the waiter, which I thought was strange.

• 11:01Sean Hayes?

  Well, just as a rehearsal, you know?

• 11:02Will Arnett?

  Hear us out, Jim. We just figured that you, we know how real you like to keep it.

• 11:08Sean Hayes?

  Yeah.

• 11:08Speaker 03

  I mean, a lot of people should know that Sean Hayes does not tip.

• 11:12Sean Hayes?

  No, not financially.

• 11:14Speaker 03

  Which is weird. I said, is this it? Do you need change? And he said, I need you to change your attitude. And I said, all right.

• 11:22Jason Bateman?

  Now, Jim, do you still have that autograph that says dynamite from Jimmy Walker?

• 11:28Speaker 03

  No, no.

• 11:29Jason Bateman?

  Damn it. I love that.

• 11:31Speaker 03

  I only remember that because I saw a photo of it, because I had a dynamite hat.

• 11:38Jason Bateman?

  Yeah.

• 11:38Speaker 03

  I'm probably older than all you guys, but like.

• 11:40Jason Bateman?

  You are, probably not.

• 11:41Speaker 03

  There was a big, I mean, Will looks the oldest, but like the big.

• 11:45Will Arnett?

  Wait a second, do I?

• 11:48Speaker 03

  No, I think it's, Will could be like, well, I think Will would be, there is, a lot of people don't know, he's doing a movie where he's playing Gavin Newsom's dad.

• 11:58Jason Bateman?

  Yeah.

• 11:59Will Arnett?

  Wow.

• 12:03Jason Bateman?

  This is the Arnett roast. Will, we didn't want to tell you before we got started.

• 12:07Speaker 03

  You know, Will, I just do that because I'm scared.

• 12:10Will Arnett?

  Why?

• 12:10Speaker 03

  Frankly, I'm a little scared. I'm intimidated.

• 12:13Will Arnett?

  Why?

• 12:13Speaker 03

  Three buddies, I'm the new kid. I don't know how to fit in.

• 12:17Jason Bateman?

  You're so safe here.

• 12:18Sean Hayes?

  You're already, you're already fitting in beautifully.

• 12:21Jason Bateman?

  The dirty little secret about this podcast is it really doesn't matter who we have on as a guest because we don't let them talk anyway. We just like to hear ourselves talk. You're on cruise control for the next hour.

• 12:31Sean Hayes?

  Right.

• 12:31Jason Bateman?

  Or 45.

• 12:32Will Arnett?

  Jim, we don't know each other well, but you came up to, very kindly to Canada and did that hospital benefit. Do you remember that?

• 12:38Jason Bateman?

  Was that right?

• 12:39Will Arnett?

  Or did you block it out?

• 12:41Speaker 03

  No, I remember it. I remember it very clearly.

• 12:43Will Arnett?

  He was, you were hilarious.

• 12:45Speaker 03

  Oh, thanks.

• 12:46Will Arnett?

  Absolutely crushed.

• 12:47Jason Bateman?

  Always is.

• 12:48Will Arnett?

  And you always crushed. Yeah.

• 12:50Jason Bateman?

  Yeah.

• 12:50Sean Hayes?

  I know, because you've been.

• 12:51Jason Bateman?

  He never pushes, never pushes.

• 12:53Speaker 03

  Just trying to get my dad to like me. And I don't know if it's gonna work.

• 12:57Jason Bateman?

  Same. Is dad still with us?

• 12:58Speaker 03

  No, he's been dead for like 20 years.

• 13:00Jason Bateman?

  Oh, you're waiting for a message?

• 13:02Speaker 03

  He's right over here.

• 13:05Jason Bateman?

  He's just off camera.

• 13:07Will Arnett?

  When you hear.

• 13:08Speaker 03

  Wake up. I've been, every morning I'm like, wake up. He's really tired. He's really tired.

• 13:14Jason Bateman?

  He just put new ice on him every day?

• 13:17Speaker 03

  Yeah, he's just.

• 13:18Jason Bateman?

  Hey, well, how did you get, how are you, how did you get to be in 200 commercials? I'm, I'm, I'm actually envious of that.

• 13:25Speaker 03

  I was on this show, Silver Spoons.

• 13:27Jason Bateman?

  No.

• 13:30Jason Bateman?

  That was Jimmy.

• 13:31Speaker 03

  No, there was an era in the 90s where they really loved the idea of the dumb white guy.

• 13:39Jason Bateman?

  Yeah.

• 13:40Speaker 03

  In every commercial.

• 13:41Jason Bateman?

  Yeah.

• 13:41Speaker 03

  And I was like, I'll do that.

• 13:43Will Arnett?

  Sean wasn't available.

• 13:44Jason Bateman?

  I did those too. I did a ton of them.

• 13:46Speaker 03

  There's a lot of dumb white guy work and I loved it.

• 13:48Jason Bateman?

  I immediately started thinking, oh, wait, this is one of those guys that's got one of those campaigns. It's like, uh, you know, like the Jack in a Box guy.

• 13:55Sean Hayes?

  Or the progressive girl.

• 13:56Jason Bateman?

  Yeah, exactly. Well, you can, it would, it would add up quickly.

• 14:00Speaker 03

  Yes, I would do, I did Rolling Rock and, uh, Saturn, which was a car company.

• 14:07Jason Bateman?

  And this, and this is back in the days when they would pay, right? You could, you could get about thirty, thirty grand.

• 14:13Speaker 03

  It was life changing.

• 14:13Jason Bateman?

  By the time a national commercial is done with its, with its cycle, right? Wasn't it about, you could count on about thirty thousand dollars?

• 14:19Speaker 03

  Absolutely.

• 14:21Will Arnett?

  How many brands did you sink, do you think?

• 14:24Speaker 03

  I would say.

• 14:25Jason Bateman?

  Rolling Rock for one, Saturn for two.

• 14:30Sean Hayes?

  Jimmy, so you were born in Elgin, Illinois. That's so crazy.

• 14:33Jason Bateman?

  Is it Jimmy?

• 14:33Sean Hayes?

  Yeah.

• 14:33Speaker 03

  Yes, it is. I was, when I was a little kid, I was Jimmy. Now, where are you from, Sean?

• 14:37Sean Hayes?

  Glen Ellen. So it's like 20 minutes from Elgin.

• 14:39Speaker 03

  Yeah. Well, we moved pretty, uh, pretty quickly to, uh, northwest Indiana. I mean, when I was eight, I guess.

• 14:47Sean Hayes?

  And you, and you wanted to be a farmer?

• 14:49Speaker 03

  I did.

• 14:50Jason Bateman?

  What kind of, what did you want to farm?

• 14:53Speaker 03

  I, you know, I think corn. I just.

• 14:55Jason Bateman?

  Sure.

• 14:56Speaker 03

  It's weird. I, it's a pretty big dream.

• 14:59Jason Bateman?

  And not soybeans.

• 14:59Will Arnett?

  That you had.

• 15:01Speaker 03

  Not something sexy like soybeans or rye, but like corn, you know, like a normal plant.

• 15:09Speaker 03

  No, I, uh, I did want to be a farmer and then, uh, but I also wanted to be an actor in a community.

• 15:16Jason Bateman?

  I know, like, early on, like, and, and your, your dad was the CEO of the Mercantile National Bank of Indiana.

• 15:23Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 15:23Jason Bateman?

  So crazy. And then you wanted to be, and what did he think of you wanting to be an actor?

• 15:28Speaker 03

  He thought it was shit. Pretty fucking stupid.

• 15:32Sean Hayes?

  Sure.

• 15:33Speaker 03

  No, you know, it was, my parents were children of, uh, you know, like their parents went through the depression. So like it was, the whole objective was to seek security.

• 15:44Sean Hayes?

  Yeah.

• 15:45Speaker 03

  And I think my family had been in the country and my father was the first one to go to college, but before that everyone was coal miners. So it was just like, we finally got to the middle class and you want to become a show person? It was just absurd. It was like, why throw it away?

• 16:02Sean Hayes?

  Yeah, but it's interesting because I, this happens all the time. We talk about this all the time. You're the youngest of six. I'm the youngest of five. And it seems to be like a lot of people we talked to, the youngest in the family always wants to be the actor or the performer or the attention seeker, I guess. Isn't that weird?

• 16:18Speaker 03

  Well, the alcoholism was so significant by the time we were teenagers.

• 16:22Sean Hayes?

  Yeah, same. Were you close, were you close with your dad?

• 16:26Speaker 03

  My dad was this, uh, huge influence on me, but it was weird. I think it was mostly trying to make my mom laugh. But, you know, the whole father relationship is so complex. And again, I think, I don't know about with you, there was such a parental fatigue that had hit by the time I was a teenager. My dad was like, I didn't even sign up for any of this. You know what I mean? And having children myself, I'm kind of like, can we, can they go to boarding school and middle school? Can they do that? It's just, it's exhausting, right?

• 17:03Sean Hayes?

  You say, you say you do have children yourself or you don't?

• 17:05Speaker 03

  Yes, I have five. I have five.

• 17:07Sean Hayes?

  Oh my God, wow. That's a lot of kids.

• 17:10Speaker 03

  I'm a very fertile guy.

• 17:11Will Arnett?

  How, how old's your youngest, Jim?

• 17:14Speaker 03

  Uh, he just turned 12.

• 17:16Sean Hayes?

  Oh, wow.

• 17:17Speaker 03

  And, and I feel like with every kid, there was a reason for me to like them. You're like, all right, this one likes me so much. Uh, I like him. And then my youngest one looks like me. And so I'm like, all right, I got a mini me. I gotta be excited about that.

• 17:35Jason Bateman?

  It is amazing, right? Like, how you have, you develop these different relationships with the kids based on completely different stuff. I mean, I know you're kind of making a half a joke, but like, there is something to be said for like, well, the initial bond started because that little thing that couldn't speak or do anything yet has an attraction to me and there's a... It's almost like a puppy. Like, kids are like puppies before they can speak.

• 18:01Speaker 03

  Absolutely.

• 18:02Jason Bateman?

  Right? It's like, oh, they jump on my lap all the time. And so, well, I like you too. And now you're my favorite pet.

• 18:08Speaker 03

  Yeah, and then your role changes. And you're like, okay, I'm the peacekeeper between... Because daughters and mothers go through some weird crap. And now I'm kind of butros butros golly here. You know, trying to keep some peace. And then there's just different ones where you're like, all right, I'm the evil cop that, you know, has to be the disciplinarian.

• 18:31Jason Bateman?

  Yeah, or the one kid's actually less like a puppy and much more like a cat. So they're difficult, like, they don't give you the time of day. So you end up being very drawn to that one. You know, I gotta win that one over, right? Independence. I mean, you've got almost a half a dozen there. It must be...

• 18:46Speaker 03

  My relationship with my kids is so good, I don't have to like worry about rules. We just kind of click. Sorry, I just wanted to say.

• 18:53Jason Bateman?

  Just click, click, click, right?

• 18:54Speaker 03

  Hey, Jim, you don't really think I look older than the other guys, do you? No, no.

• 18:57Jason Bateman?

  Let's double back a little bit.

• 18:59Sean Hayes?

  Tuck on that.

• 19:00Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 19:00Jason Bateman?

  Now, Jim, where are you? Are you in Los Angeles, New York?

• 19:04Speaker 03

  I'm in New York.

• 19:05Jason Bateman?

  Yeah, all right.

• 19:05Speaker 03

  I live in New York.

• 19:06Sean Hayes?

  Oh, that's cool.

• 19:06Jason Bateman?

  Have you been in New York a long time?

• 19:08Speaker 03

  I've been here for 35 years. I've done some time in, you know, when I was on a show, I would be in LA for six months or six weeks. I did pilot season.

• 19:21Jason Bateman?

  Oh, yeah, every year. Now, your time in Los Angeles, is this something you kind of, you know, hold your nose and kind of get through it? Or do you like it out there?

• 19:29Speaker 03

  I don't have anything against Los Angeles. I mean, I'm not a fan of sunlight, but I'm very much... Too much show business is not good for my mental health. Like, that's what I like about New York, that like, you have friends that are not in the business and you can kind of separate yourself from it, if that makes sense.

• 19:54Jason Bateman?

  Yeah.

• 19:56Jason Bateman?

  And we will be right back.

• 20:00Sean Hayes?

  You know what stood the test of time? No, not bad haircuts and pretending to understand wine. For centuries, law has remained a remarkably consistent way of making our promises stick. A word becomes an agreement, and an agreement becomes a contract, and a contract becomes bound by law. Now, Harvey, the AI platform designed specifically for legal work, is helping write the next chapter of that legacy. And Harvey is already pretty well established in the legal world. More than 200,000 lawyers, 80% of the Am Law 100, and 20% of the Fortune 500 are building with Harvey, accelerating review, sharpening negotiations, uncovering insights, drafting first responses, and more.

• 20:43Sean Hayes?

  Basically, Harvey is helping legal teams spend less time on repetitive work and more time on the big-picture stuff. This is how the future of agreements is being crafted now. Harvey. Learn more at harvey.ai. That's harvey.ai. Harvey does not provide legal advice. Users should always independently review and verify any output provided by Harvey.

• 21:06Jason Bateman?

  Did you ever notice the best deals are just obvious? Like hotels.com. What do they do, you may ask? Hotels on the internet, and a lot of them, like hundreds of thousands. I don't know why I just turned into Sean Hayes. Plus, if you join for free, you can save up to 20% instantly with member prices, and you earn rewards every time you book. So, your next trip basically starts paying for itself. It's simple, and you get more out of every stay. Sign up for free and book today. Hotels.com. It's all in the name.

• 21:46Sean Hayes?

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• 22:27Sean Hayes?

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• 23:11Sean Hayes?

  I love Thanksgiving. I love all of it. I went fall's out with the front of my house and decorated the whole thing with pumpkins and like harvest stuff. And it was, it looks really, really cool. And I got a little teak bench from Wayfair to put stuff on around it. And it now looks just, it looks really, really cool and cozy. Find pieces made for real life and get even more value with Wayfair Rewards. Join Wayfair Rewards today to get 5% back on every purchase. Head to wayfair.com to shop all things home. That's W-A-Y-F-A-I-R dot com.

• 23:47Sean Hayes?

  And now, back to the show.

• 23:50Jason Bateman?

  Do you ever worry that like by having that healthy kind of distance from show business and the pursuit of it and all that stuff, that you run the risk of not going to the places that you want to go career-wise? I ask because these guys always, always keep me in check and give me proper ridicule about how sort of on my, keeping my eye on the ball I am about like what's happening in the business tree and what should I be doing next and all that stuff? I can't help it, but I envy those that have a healthy distance from.

• 24:24Will Arnett?

  Well, you also grew up in it, so it's a little different in that way.

• 24:27Jason Bateman?

  Yeah.

• 24:28Will Arnett?

  Yeah. Yeah, I feel like I've definitely.

• 24:32Speaker 03

  I think my career might be completely different if I lived in L.A. I mean, it is 99% of the business.

• 24:40Jason Bateman?

  Right.

• 24:40Speaker 03

  But it's also, I don't want to sound like the person, you know, like there's the, you know, like, I'm not like Sam Shepard said, I'm on a farm in Virginia.

• 24:51Jason Bateman?

  Right.

• 24:51Speaker 03

  And you can fax me only. You know what I mean? It's like, I wish I could be that guy. I mean, I definitely care. I'm definitely the guy who's, you know, works really, I'm the guy who does his homework. You know what I mean? I'm not like, I don't even know, I don't even know my agent's name.

• 25:08Jason Bateman?

  No, yeah, you've been able to stay so relevant for so long. You've had this really long career and yet you've able, you've been able to, you know,

• 25:17Jason Bateman?

  live outside of it to a certain extent, yeah?

• 25:19Speaker 03

  Oh, thanks.

• 25:20Jason Bateman?

  Yeah.

• 25:20Sean Hayes?

  Yeah.

• 25:21Jason Bateman?

  Good for you.

• 25:21Sean Hayes?

  It's admirable. Jim, how many years, what was your first break and how many years have you been doing stand-up?

• 25:29Speaker 03

  I've been doing it for like 35 years.

• 25:32Sean Hayes?

  And was it always stand-up first or was it an actor first and then you wanted it, you know?

• 25:36Speaker 03

  It was, it was a little bit of both, but it was, I would say, yeah, it was, you know, stand-up was something I always did, but I always wanted to act and, but there's such fantastic actors in New York.

• 25:51Sean Hayes?

  Yeah, but the Jim Gaffigan show was hilarious.

• 25:55Will Arnett?

  But wait, I want to get, I want to get to the stand-up. First of all, how did you, what was the first night? What was the first time you were like in front of people?

• 26:02Speaker 03

  The first time I was so, you know, there's such an audacity necessary to go into this business, right? But and also with stand-up to go on stage, that I waited till someone dared me. I had a fear of public speaking, so I took an improv class. This is way before UCB existed. And, and in the improv class, someone was like, there's a stand-up seminar. This is in 1990, 1991.

• 26:30Will Arnett?

  Is this New York or Chicago or?

• 26:32Speaker 03

  New York.

• 26:32Will Arnett?

  Okay.

• 26:33Speaker 03

  And then I, so I did stand-up for the first time and it was, I fell in love immediately. And then.

• 26:41Jason Bateman?

  How about that?

• 26:42Speaker 03

  Kind of bombed for six months and.

• 26:44Jason Bateman?

  Yeah.

• 26:45Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 26:45Will Arnett?

  Did you write, did you write, did you write jokes that first time or did you just kind of wing it? What'd you do?

• 26:51Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah, no, it was, I did this, it was kind of like a seminar thing. It was like someone really holding your hand, you know? Um, it was, yeah, it wasn't like me and my buddies went to a club and I got on stage and it was magic, you know?

• 27:05Jason Bateman?

  Do you still like, what, what is your, the oldest joke that you still have in your rotation? Like still one from that, from the, from the early years?

• 27:14Speaker 03

  I mean, it's, it's, I, I, you know, at this point, I, you know, I haven't done jokes from back then for, for at least a decade. And so sometimes I'll write a joke and I'll, I'll think, oh, this is great. And then, you know, my wife will be like, you know, that was on like your third special, that joke. I'm like, oh, all right. You know, like, I don't even remember that. I had done a joke. You already complained about your kids that way.

• 27:44Jason Bateman?

  Does she, it, it, does she dabble in, in our industry as well?

• 27:48Speaker 03

  Yes, yes. So she was, uh, the, she did directing and she also like was the showrunner of the Jim Gaffigan Show. And when we were, but you know, initially when it was stand up, we used to totally, uh, once we had a, once we were married, we rode together. And then with five kids, it's, you know, you're lucky to have a conversation with, you know, your partner.

• 28:13Will Arnett?

  Wait, so she's showrunner for Jim Gaffigan Show. So, uh, what, you had an overall with the network or with the studio and?

• 28:20Speaker 03

  Yeah, that was, you know, before cable completely fell apart, or even though I guess it's coming back.

• 28:29Speaker 03

  We had a deal at CBS. We did two rounds of pilots. They were committed to single camera comedies and then they, they weren't.

• 28:39Will Arnett?

  All right.

• 28:39Speaker 03

  And so they released us and we were, we had an offer of from a, you know, a couple cable things, but like the most attractive offer came from TV land. TV land was gonna do this.

• 28:56Jason Bateman?

  Right.

• 28:56Speaker 03

  Massive rebranding thing. And of course we were like, all right, yeah, great. And then they, then we went over there and then like a month before the show started airing, they, yeah, we're not gonna do a massive rebranding.

• 29:10Jason Bateman?

  Shawnee did some. TV Land work, yeah.

• 29:12Sean Hayes?

  Yeah, that was the, we did, we produced.

• 29:15Speaker 03

  With Betty White.

• 29:16Sean Hayes?

  Hot in Cleveland.

• 29:17Speaker 03

  Wait a minute, were you on, was Teachers you guys or, no, that was Melissa, I think.

• 29:22Sean Hayes?

  Hot in Cleveland with Betty White.

• 29:23Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 29:23Sean Hayes?

  That was the first, I think that was the first show that launched.

• 29:27Speaker 03

  Yeah, I think that was the big, that was part of the big TV Land relaunch.

• 29:30Sean Hayes?

  Yeah, we got lucky.

• 29:31Will Arnett?

  Wait, so what, what network was Jim Gaffigan's show on that I forget?

• 29:34Speaker 03

  It was on TV Land.

• 29:35Will Arnett?

  Yeah. It was, it was on TV Land. So you, you and your wife write the pilot together or she writes the pilot?

• 29:40Speaker 03

  I wrote the pilot with Peter Tolan.

• 29:44Will Arnett?

  Oh, yeah.

• 29:44Sean Hayes?

  Who's really funny, yeah.

• 29:46Will Arnett?

  The great Peter Tolan.

• 29:47Speaker 03

  He was under a Sony deal and so he couldn't go when we went to TV Land. I mean, sometimes they re-air'd every episode on Comedy Central, so that's where people would end up seeing it.

• 30:00Will Arnett?

  Yes.

• 30:01Sean Hayes?

  So wait, um, so, God, so much I wanted to talk about is, oh, wait, by the way, we, I heard you love to go to Steakhouse after each stand-up thing?

• 30:09Speaker 03

  I love steak, yeah.

• 30:10Sean Hayes?

  We just had, we just went to a Steakhouse last night.

• 30:12Speaker 03

  Great steak last night.

• 30:13Jason Bateman?

  You ever been to Strip Steakhouse?

• 30:15Speaker 03

  Strip, oh, yeah.

• 30:16Sean Hayes?

  Yeah.

• 30:16Speaker 03

  And so do you guys try, how often do you guys get together and pretend to like each other?

• 30:21Jason Bateman?

  Yeah, not very. Too hard.

• 30:23Sean Hayes?

  Yeah.

• 30:24Jason Bateman?

  We're not that good at, at acting.

• 30:25Speaker 03

  No, we have, we have dinner quite, we have dinner when we're all in town like once a week, but it was with everybody and family and.

• 30:31Jason Bateman?

  Just the three of us is a rare thing.

• 30:33Speaker 03

  Yeah. Yeah, I mean, that's what's also so great about whenever I do podcasts is like, it forces you to have these conversations with your friends because things can spin out of control and, and it's like getting paid to hang around your friends is not bad.

• 30:50Jason Bateman?

  Yeah, that's how this started.

• 30:51Speaker 03

  I know you guys donate all your money.

• 30:53Will Arnett?

  Yes.

• 30:54Speaker 03

  A lot of people don't know that.

• 30:55Sean Hayes?

  Yes, yes, yes, yes.

• 30:55Speaker 03

  All the money is donated.

• 30:57Sean Hayes?

  Wait, are you?

• 30:57Speaker 03

  Which is amazing.

• 31:00Sean Hayes?

  Are you worried though, like, I do think about, because I love Steakhouse too, like in, in LA, like.

• 31:05Will Arnett?

  Sean's still at the steak, sorry.

• 31:07Jason Bateman?

  Yeah.

• 31:08Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 31:08Jason Bateman?

  I love, can't, can't wait to hear what Jim might be worried about in the Steakhouse industry. What is it, Tom?

• 31:13Sean Hayes?

  I mean, or jump in if you want.

• 31:15Jason Bateman?

  Yeah.

• 31:16Sean Hayes?

  But, uh, but I love.

• 31:18Jason Bateman?

  Please finish this.

• 31:19Sean Hayes?

  I like the simplicity of the menu. There's like six things, because remember Jerry's Deli in Los Angeles?

• 31:24Will Arnett?

  Yeah.

• 31:24Sean Hayes?

  Remember Jerry's Deli? You sit down.

• 31:26Jason Bateman?

  I bet cheesecake. Steak Factory must really piss you off.

• 31:28Sean Hayes?

  Cheese Steak Factory too. It's a book and it's like 200. And I almost have to get up because my anxiety, like there's too many choices. I can't do it. But a steakhouse, it's like there's four things here and there's four sides. What do you want?

• 31:40Jason Bateman?

  The sauces get me pissed off at a steakhouse though. I never, I never know which way to go.

• 31:44Sean Hayes?

  That's why I always do ketchup. I always do ketchup with my steak.

• 31:47Speaker 03

  You are Midwestern.

• 31:49Sean Hayes?

  Yeah.

• 31:49Speaker 03

  I like it, I like it at a steakhouse when they kind of show you the meat. Or they show you a potato. We got a potato. We got this lobster flown in from Maine. It's just like.

• 32:00Will Arnett?

  Warren's does that.

• 32:00Speaker 03

  It's like so dumb guy-ish, like, hey, you're a dumb guy. This is a potato. We can cook it for you. I love it.

• 32:07Will Arnett?

  Yeah.

• 32:07Sean Hayes?

  Now, I know I'm jumping all around, but I want to, I want to go back to your career. Jimmy, when you first did Beyond the Pale, that was your first stand-up special. And you had, I don't know how many after. And what, what blew my mind is how many Grammys you've been nominated for.

• 32:22Speaker 03

  Oh, thanks.

• 32:23Sean Hayes?

  Like how many, how many times you've been nominated?

• 32:25Speaker 03

  I think seven times. But you know, I'm never gonna win one, but like that's.

• 32:30Sean Hayes?

  But that's crazy. That's amazing.

• 32:33Speaker 03

  Well, because some of it is like, I'm just so thrilled that the Grammys even include, you know, stand-up comedy. And in the end, there's always, you know, some very important, newsworthy comedic event that's occurred. You know, whether it be, uh, you know, Chappelle doing anything. Or like, you know, one year was Weird Al Yankovic had did the first comedy album in 25 years. It's like, obviously he's gonna win. You know what I mean?

• 33:02Will Arnett?

  Right, right, right, right, right.

• 33:03Sean Hayes?

  Yeah, but I don't know. I think it's pretty.

• 33:06Will Arnett?

  Yeah, you're right. You're never gonna win.

• 33:07Jason Bateman?

  Which is, which is the award with the, uh, which is the award with the, with the circle that, uh, spins around? Is that the Tony, um, Sean? Does it, does it spin?

• 33:18Sean Hayes?

  It does spin.

• 33:19Jason Bateman?

  It does. Wait, do you have it there or is it in LA?

• 33:22Sean Hayes?

  It's in LA.

• 33:24Jason Bateman?

  The, the Grammy's the one with the, with the horn. Yep.

• 33:27Sean Hayes?

  By the way, it's so funny.

• 33:27Speaker 03

  That's the gramophone. Yeah.

• 33:29Sean Hayes?

  With the, with the horn.

• 33:31Will Arnett?

  It's fun, isn't it, Jim? Sometimes you sit back and just.

• 33:34Sean Hayes?

  This Marvel.

• 33:35Will Arnett?

  You just point the pointer and these two little kitties, they just go all over the grid, all over the rug. And you just point the pointer.

• 33:42Sean Hayes?

  Do you have?

• 33:43Will Arnett?

  A little ball of yarn.

• 33:45Sean Hayes?

  I usually ask people like if they have any crazy theater stories, but in this case, do you have any crazy like fan stories? That you have that like any kind of insane out of all of the.

• 33:56Sean Hayes?

  Well, out of all the touring you've done for sure, but of the specials or the tour where just somebody insane didn't ever stop.

• 34:02Speaker 03

  Yeah, no, there's, I mean, there's definitely, you guys were talking about. I feel like I'm so goofy looking, so like I'm, I'm very recognizable if you know who I am.

• 34:15Sean Hayes?

  You look like John America. That's what you look like.

• 34:18Speaker 03

  But, but like a pale version of it. So it's like, I'm either the guy that. You know, shovels your driveway or I'm Jim Gaffigan, right? So there is. So I could be, and I have horrible vision. So, but because I'm pale and goofy looking, people can see me from far away. They're like, oh, is that, hey, is that Jim Gaffigan? And I can't see who they are because I'm blind. But.

• 34:43Sean Hayes?

  But you've been, you've been, you've been loved and on, on television or some form of media for so long. You, you must not be able to walk down the street often without, without getting stopped or going, hey, hey, that's a, hey. Yeah. Do you get a lot of that?

• 34:59Speaker 03

  Yeah, a lot, you know, like I'm playing, I'm, you know, I've provided them a riddle. You know what I mean? Like, hey, do I, how am I supposed to know you?

• 35:10Sean Hayes?

  Yeah. You catch a lot of people just staring at you from across the room, trying to, trying to figure it out.

• 35:15Speaker 03

  Especially in strip clubs. They're always like, who is that guy?

• 35:18Sean Hayes?

  It's too dark.

• 35:19Will Arnett?

  Yeah, because you got five kids. What are you doing here?

• 35:23Speaker 03

  Trying to get a six kit.

• 35:26Sean Hayes?

  They take their phone out, click. No, but you were, you were maybe going to tell us, go down.

• 35:31Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah. You know what I would say is the, the, you know, there is a theater story. I did that championship season on Broadway. And it was. The amount of testosterone in the cast was absolutely insane. It was me, Kiefer Sutherland, Brian Cox, Chris Noth, and Jason Patrick, whose dad wrote the play.

• 35:55Sean Hayes?

  Oh, wow.

• 35:56Speaker 03

  It's a great play, and it was, but like, so like, when you talk about theater stories, we went, I mean, it's also like this, this last, I think of like, there's this last generation of people that, and there's a segment of this generation that drink like our parents did, and those guys are those guys. And so every night, we would, every night was like a, it was, the stamina is just bizarre. Like, these guys can throw it away and then get up and do a matinee. And I was just like, I can barely walk, and, uh...

• 36:35Sean Hayes?

  But I wonder how that's, I'd love to check in on those fellows now and see how it's, see how it's aging, you know, because at some point, you do, you do pay the bill.

• 36:44Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 36:45Sean Hayes?

  You know, like, you just, the stamina isn't forever.

• 36:47Speaker 03

  Well, I'm sure they're all doing, but like, they were, it was so bizarre to go out on stage, because I always had this vision of Broadway being, oh my, you know, like, people in top hats and stuff like that. And it's like, people would walk out, and people were like, 24, a section this, you know, it was just bizarre how it was.

• 37:10Sean Hayes?

  Right.

• 37:11Speaker 03

  It was that people were going to so they could see Mr. Big.

• 37:15Sean Hayes?

  Right, right, right, right, right. But yeah, people really, really like it. But your earlier stand-up stuff, do you, is there, when you were first starting, is there?

• 37:25Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah.

• 37:26Sean Hayes?

  Do you tend to remember the good performances more than the bad ones? Or are you like the other?

• 37:30Speaker 03

  I try to block out some really humiliating things, but I did a show on Long Island at Governor's, and...

• 37:39Speaker 03

  And, you know, Long Island is, is great, but like parts of Long Island, you know, it can be, not necessarily combative, but just kind of.

• 37:50Jason Bateman?

  Oh, yeah.

• 37:50Speaker 03

  And I would walk on stage, when I started, you know, looking like the farm boy that I wanted to be, and these, you know, like these New Yorkers would be like, look at this guy, you know what I mean? And so like, early 90s comedy was very combat driven, like, this guy's just a pussy, you know what I mean? And so, I remember, I was, I was onstage, it was a late show at Governor's, and I got onstage, and someone in the audience was mooing. They were actually mooing. Moo, moo. And I was like, oh, this is great, okay.

• 38:26Jason Bateman?

  Yeah.

• 38:27Speaker 03

  So, cause I'm from Indiana, they're mooing. And so then, I've, I tried to, you know, deal with the heckler. And normally, you know, you, you have a microphone, you have an advantage, but it didn't really work. And so then eventually, there was enough slack

• 38:44Jason Bateman?

  The moo will carry.

• 38:46Speaker 03

  So I walked into the audience to find out who this mooing person was. And there was somebody severely handicapped, lying in a hospital bed.

• 38:57Jason Bateman?

  Oh, God.

• 38:57Speaker 03

  Who could only articulate.

• 38:59Jason Bateman?

  No, Jim.

• 39:00Speaker 03

  Only communicate by going moo.

• 39:02Jason Bateman?

  No.

• 39:03Speaker 03

  So I had spent a good 20 minutes tearing into this severely disabled, like, they had like the keyboard and everything. And I'm just like, and, but the crowd had known. And, and I was like, all right, I'm just gonna kill myself. And they, you know, they were very forgiving, and the person, you know, loved the, the attention. But that was probably the, one of the more favorable situations.

• 39:28Jason Bateman?

  That's quite a story. Sean, have you learned your lesson? Never ask that question again.

• 39:32Sean Hayes?

  Yeah.

• 39:35Jason Bateman?

  Now, do you have a, do you have a clear, I'm sorry if you've, if you've answered this question a million times, but do you have, do you have a clear preference between stand-up and acting? Cause you, you've done tons of both. And, you know, one, the, the words come beforehand, the other, the words

• 39:47Sean Hayes?

  Come after.

• 39:48Speaker 03

  I, I, I, I love doing both of them because I think that stand up is such a bizarre existence at night and stuff like, and it's so solitary and it can, whereas the collaborative thing of acting is so amazing. But I think the, the process of getting acting jobs is so maddening that I would totally lose my mind if I had to rely just on that emotionally.

• 40:22Sean Hayes?

  Yeah. I mean, some of those, yeah, it's job security to have created a, an audience.

• 40:27Jason Bateman?

  Yeah. You can control in one, one lane of your career, you, you're fully in control of that. You can sit down and write some great stuff.

• 40:34Speaker 03

  You can get the creative fulfillment. Whereas, you know, I've been, I've done a lot of dramas, but to this day, I had a meeting two days ago and I've done tons of dramas and people are always, they all have the idea, what if we put Jim Gaffigan in a drama? And I'm like, all right. I mean, I, I mean, most of them have been indies, but like, I'm like, and you want to be polite and go, yeah, sure. That would be great. Even though like, I've done it. I've been doing that for a long time.

• 41:04Sean Hayes?

  Yeah, for sure. For sure.

• 41:07Will Arnett?

  We'll be right back.

• 41:10Will Arnett?

  Everyone loves a buffet, right? Choosing exactly what you want. Yes. Just does something to you, you know? You grab a little bit of this, a little bit of that, maybe something you didn't even plan on grabbing. And suddenly your plate is full and you're feeling pretty good about your choices. Well, guess what? Investing with Schwab is kind of like a big, beautiful buffet. Yeah. Lots of options and no one's judging what ends up on your plate. It's everything investors need all in one place. You want a hearty scoop of self-directed investing? Knock yourself out. You want full-service wealth management? Delicious. Trading, retirement planning? Go ahead, pile it on. Maybe you keep things

• 41:51Will Arnett?

  simple. Maybe you go back for seconds or even thirds. Hey, there's no shame in building the financial plate that works for you. At Schwab, you can invest your way because you're in control. But hey, only if you want to be. Visit schwab.com to learn more. That's S C H W A B dot com.

• 42:17Sean Hayes?

  You know what stood the test of time? No, not bad haircuts and pretending to understand wine. For centuries, law has remained a remarkably consistent way of making our promises stick. A word becomes an agreement, and an agreement becomes a contract, and a contract becomes bound by law. Now, Harvey, the AI platform designed specifically for legal work, is helping write the next chapter of that legacy. And Harvey is already pretty well-established in the legal world. More than 200,000 lawyers, 80% of the Am Law 100, and 20% of the Fortune 500 are building with Harvey, accelerating review, sharpening negotiations, uncovering insights, drafting first responses, and more.

• 43:00Sean Hayes?

  Basically, Harvey is helping legal teams spend less time on repetitive work and more time on the big-picture stuff. This is how the future of agreements is being crafted now. Harvey. Learn more at harvey.ai. That's harvey.ai. Harvey does not provide legal advice. Users should always independently review and verify any output provided by Harvey. This is a paid ad by BetterHelp. Do you guys ever have anything in your brain that you wish you could delete? Like, something you said at an awkward conversation? Or something you totally regret saying to a friend, or a coworker, or somebody else? I have. And by connecting you to a qualified therapist online, BetterHelp can help you find an experienced

• 43:43Sean Hayes?

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• 44:28Sean Hayes?

  That's betterh-e-l-p.com/smartless.

• 44:37Jason Bateman?

  And now, back to the show.

• 44:40Jason Bateman?

  Do any of your, any of your kids share the, the biz, the business tree passion?

• 44:45Speaker 03

  Yeah, I think, you know, my, I've toured doing stand-up with my 18-year-old son. He's really funny.

• 44:52Jason Bateman?

  Oh, no way. So like, he opens for you, or closes for you, or together?

• 44:55Speaker 03

  Yeah, he's done, yeah, you know, like-

• 44:57Jason Bateman?

  Oh, really? That's cool.

• 44:59Speaker 03

  You know, last couple of spring breaks, we've done that. But it's such a weird business. It's like, and my, my oldest daughter, who's 20, has, really loves acting. And I'm like, you know, there's no jobs, right? There's just, you wanna, and so I'm like, if you want to, you have to create your own job. So I'm like, I'll pay for film school, but like, there's no, you know-

• 45:22Jason Bateman?

  Right, it's not like it used to be.

• 45:24Speaker 03

  Yeah, it's-

• 45:25Jason Bateman?

  It is a tough thing, because you can't walk around with that diploma and, and sort of guarantee yourself at least an entry-level position.

• 45:32Speaker 03

  No, it's so cruel.

• 45:34Will Arnett?

  But it's even different from it used to be, like, you talked about pilot season, like-

• 45:37Speaker 03

  Yeah, and commercials. You could have been able to-

• 45:39Will Arnett?

  Commercials, you did commercials. Like, when I was a young actor, I was, I supported myself doing voice-overs. Did a ton of voice-overs in and around New York. And then, every year by about January, for a few years, I would fly out to California. Uh, and, but not every year. Sometimes I would go for like a month, and sometimes, but you'd have pilot, at least pilots, auditions, couple a day here in New York, and you'd do, you'd do the circuit, right? You'd go to all the places, and then they'd fly you out. And there was like, there was a good chance, once you kind of got in the mix, there was a good chance you might, you'd get a job, you'd get a pilot.

• 46:13Jason Bateman?

  And wasn't the Arrested Development year, like, the last year you were gonna do this goddamn pilgrimage out to Los Angeles for pilot season?

• 46:20Will Arnett?

  No, I, I, I got fired the year before, and I wasn't gonna do it. And I didn't audition for any-

• 46:26Jason Bateman?

  And Deb Berelski reached out and said, "Well, come on, Will, please, just put yourself on tape or something like that."

• 46:30Will Arnett?

  I was like, I was like, "I'm not gonna do the TV industry. They're really gonna feel the pain of me not being around."

• 46:37Jason Bateman?

  Show them.

• 46:38Sean Hayes?

  Right.

• 46:39Speaker 03

  I think Arrested Development, I tested for that, or I was, or the.

• 46:43Jason Bateman?

  Wait.

• 46:44Speaker 03

  Maybe not a network test, but a studio test.

• 46:46Jason Bateman?

  What part?

• 46:48Speaker 03

  I think, uh, the David Cross one.

• 46:51Jason Bateman?

  Yeah.

• 46:51Will Arnett?

  Okay.

• 46:52Speaker 03

  But, uh, I think that.

• 46:54Jason Bateman?

  Been great.

• 46:55Speaker 03

  No, it's even worse than that. It was, because there's also during pilot season, there's like, do you want to commit to this pilot? Do you want them in first position?

• 47:05Will Arnett?

  Yes.

• 47:06Speaker 03

  And I think I had been, uh, offered, uh, a pilot to be in first position. And I was like, all right, fine. You know, that, yeah, let's do that first position. It was, you know, it was garbage, but I'm like, all right, fine. I just want to act.

• 47:21Jason Bateman?

  Yeah.

• 47:21Speaker 03

  And then, because I had worked with Mitch Hurwitz the year before on Ellen DeGeneres's sitcom. And he's like, hey, why don't you come in and audition for this? Because I had been, uh, schmoozing him to get a part on it. Because, you know, obviously he's brilliant, right?

• 47:38Will Arnett?

  Yeah.

• 47:38Speaker 03

  And so, uh, but I, and then I, and then he was like, yeah, you're in first position and this is a low budget thing. We can't have anyone in because we're gonna do it.

• 47:50Jason Bateman?

  Oh, yeah.

• 47:50Speaker 03

  Because remember the premise was like that they were gonna do it in a different way.

• 47:53Will Arnett?

  Yeah. Remember it was written, remember he wrote that cover letter on it?

• 47:56Jason Bateman?

  Yeah. It's if you, if you, if you want a, if you want a dressing room larger than a honey wagon, this job's not for you. Don't even bother auditioning.

• 48:03Will Arnett?

  Mike Terry, who works on our show, uh, who, whom you met, uh, who, he, uh, sent me, his wife worked in the cat, worked for Deb Berelski, I think it was.

• 48:14Jason Bateman?

  Oh, yeah.

• 48:14Will Arnett?

  He sent me recently, the, the list of people, and my name's on it, of people who were sent, you know, because I put my, I eventually put myself on tape here in New York. I was doing a play in New York and I was so bummed about being fired from this show the year before that I was like, I'm not gonna do another, I'm done. Fuck, fuck sitcoms. I don't do that. And it's beneath, like, I kind of tried to flip it in my mind that I'm above it. Uh, because I'd been fired. And, um, anyway, so I went and I read for Deb Berelski, but Mike just sent me, I've got it in my office at home.

• 48:44Jason Bateman?

  Wow.

• 48:44Will Arnett?

  Of, yeah, of the sign in sheet or whatever.

• 48:46Jason Bateman?

  Mitch sent, Mitch sent me the videotape of my actual audition for Michael Bluth. I've got it on my computer.

• 48:51Speaker 03

  Wow.

• 48:52Will Arnett?

  Yeah. And that was the last day you ate, right? Like, that's why you stopped.

• 48:55Jason Bateman?

  Yeah, I've been swimming ever since.

• 48:59Sean Hayes?

  I just look too puffy.

• 49:01Will Arnett?

  Jim, I forgot that you were on that Ellen Show with Mitch that year before. I remember that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 49:07Speaker 03

  Yeah. Martin Mull was on that show. That was so.

• 49:11Will Arnett?

  We loved Martin Mull.

• 49:12Speaker 03

  It was so, I mean, he was such a sweet guy.

• 49:14Will Arnett?

  Such a sweet guy.

• 49:16Speaker 03

  And it was so bizarre to see this guy that I had watched on Fernwood Tonight.

• 49:22Sean Hayes?

  Yeah, Fernwood Tonight was great.

• 49:24Speaker 03

  I mean, it was just, and you know, as, I mean, I know I'm older than you guys, but like, you have to understand that was this, that was the bizarre, him and Fred Willard. That was like my first exposure to like bizarre comedy.

• 49:40Sean Hayes?

  And they did like cutting edge, super racy.

• 49:43Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 49:43Sean Hayes?

  It was so clever because it was, I loved that show.

• 49:47Speaker 03

  Well, also, I had no idea that Martin Mull was this brilliant painter. Like, he went to art school to be a painter. And then he would just tell stories about Steve Martin, which was amazing, because.

• 49:59Will Arnett?

  Jason, is that a mall behind you?

• 50:01Sean Hayes?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 50:02Will Arnett?

  That's a mall right there.

• 50:04Sean Hayes?

  A mall.

• 50:04Will Arnett?

  I got this one cheap.

• 50:06Sean Hayes?

  Jim, tell me about like unusual jobs before you got all this work when you were starting.

• 50:11Speaker 03

  I started off, well, I studied finance, but then.

• 50:15Sean Hayes?

  That's wild. You went to school for finance?

• 50:17Speaker 03

  I was a copywriter in an advertising agency.

• 50:20Sean Hayes?

  Really?

• 50:22Speaker 03

  I think it was really helpful in learning some, you know, some word economy and efficiency of writing. But it was, I was the weird guy in the corporate setting, like Jim's crazy. You know, like he's napping in his room. Meanwhile, I, you know, I got like three hours of sleep the night before. But yeah, there was, I was definitely, I was the last of my friends to have a day job because I think the remnants of that retaining security had really stayed with me. And I also knew that I didn't want to just do some horrible bar gigs. And, you know, I tried to limit some of the humiliation.

• 51:06Sean Hayes?

  Did you keep up with financing? Is that still like, kind of like a hobby of yours?

• 51:09Speaker 03

  I did, I didn't really, I still, I don't know anything about finance. And it's like, I went to college and. I even joke around about that in my new special. It's like, it's really sad. I mean, I have middle schoolers and I look at their math and I'm like, did they introduce new numbers? Cause I don't know what's going on. And so, and also like if I looked at the Wall Street Journal financial section, I wouldn't know. And I probably, you know, passed a class in it.

• 51:42Jason Bateman?

  Right.

• 51:43Sean Hayes?

  Got it.

• 51:43Jason Bateman?

  Right, right.

• 51:43Sean Hayes?

  But speaking of your special, it's called The Skinny. It's on Hulu right now.

• 51:47Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 51:48Sean Hayes?

  Yes. And so this is number 11. This is the 11th special.

• 51:52Jason Bateman?

  Good lord.

• 51:54Sean Hayes?

  Isn't that amazing?

• 51:54Speaker 03

  That's crazy and I'm only 22.

• 51:56Jason Bateman?

  Chim.

• 51:56Will Arnett?

  That's pretty impressive. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 51:58Sean Hayes?

  That's pretty cool.

• 51:58Speaker 03

  Thanks.

• 51:59Jason Bateman?

  What did you say? It's the 11th of 22? You've decided you're gonna do-

• 52:02Speaker 03

  And I'm only 22 years old.

• 52:03Will Arnett?

  No, he's only 22 years old. Where do you, where do you see, I mean,

• 52:09Will Arnett?

  what do you, as a performer, do you see yourself as you sort of get older that you want to keep making specials? Do you, do you like the process of making specials? Or do you get a thing, you're like, I just want to act more because the specials, I've kind of, I've done 11 of them and I don't, or does it, where does the fire live?

• 52:26Speaker 03

  It's all self-assignment, right? Like every aspect of this business, right? There's, we have this notion that someone's in a, sitting at a counter at a soda shop and someone comes up. It's like you have to like steer it. You have to sit there and go, I want to do this. And, but what I love about writing stand-up is that it's something I have control over. So it's like, look, I would, you know, I would love it if I didn't have time to do it as much as I do. But, and I have turned down a fair amount of, I mean, I, I love just complex characters and, you know, so if it's a good acting role, I'd love to do it.

• 53:11Speaker 03

  But like if it's, you know, some kind of silly comedy where I would have fun doing it, but it wouldn't be something great.

• 53:22Speaker 03

  You know, I try not to, and also I have kids, so I have to be very selective on why I'm being out of town, why I'm going out of town, meaning I gotta make money, you know, but I do a lot of indies where I make nothing.

• 53:34Will Arnett?

  Do you still go, do you still go and like jump on stage at the Comedy Cellar and places like that?

• 53:38Speaker 03

  Absolutely, I try, you know, that's why we're still in New York City. I mean, I wanted my kids to be New Yorkers, but also I, you know, it's so great. I can just go and do a show at, you know, Gotham or, you know, the New York Comedy Club, and then I can be home and, you know, try and tear the screens away from the kids, you know?

• 53:59Sean Hayes?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 54:00Jason Bateman?

  Your life sounds frickin' perfect. I want to come back as Jim Gaffigan.

• 54:04Speaker 03

  It's far from it, but thank you.

• 54:07Sean Hayes?

  What's your, what's your favorite non-comedy or non-businessy thing? I know you love gardening.

• 54:12Speaker 03

  Yes, I do love gardening.

• 54:14Jason Bateman?

  And where do you get a chance to do that downtown?

• 54:17Speaker 03

  During the pandemic, we got a place in Westchester and, and so, and they had some raised beds there, and I love that, but I love gardening and I, during the pandemic, I got into bourbon. I just, if I'm talking to like three people in the entertainment industry, I assume two of you don't drink any longer, you know, but like, so it's like, so I was like a beer guy, and then during the pandemic, I kind of got into bourbon, and then, I mean, we've all probably been approached, maybe you guys have a celebrity spirit, but I didn't want to do that, so, but I have a buddy from Louisville, and I

• 54:59Speaker 03

  was like, can't, because it's, some of them are just so bad. So I was like, can't we just pick our own and do this? And he's like, you might just end up with a bunch of barrels of, a bunch of bottles of bourbon. I'm like, that's fine. So I'm doing that until I go, until I eventually join AA, I guess in three years. I don't know.

• 55:17Jason Bateman?

  Turn a profit first, yeah.

• 55:19Will Arnett?

  Like saying, went from beer and then I got into booze, like saying like, I used to do coke and then I got into crack, because I was like, fuck it.

• 55:28Speaker 03

  Ketamine is great. It's a starting point.

• 55:32Sean Hayes?

  Well, they always say I'm drinking bourbon in the morning, but it's actual apple juice on the rocks.

• 55:36Speaker 03

  Oh, there you go.

• 55:37Sean Hayes?

  Of course it is.

• 55:38Will Arnett?

  By the way, every step of the way, Jim, Sean will out Midwest you in every respect. You can't believe how from the fucking... Do you see how excited he was when he was like, "And you're from Oakmont, right?" "You're over wherever." "I'm from 20 minutes away from there." And we're always like, "Isn't that fucking crazy? People are from places."

• 55:59Sean Hayes?

  I'm always fascinated that people get out of the place they live to pursue their dreams in other places.

• 56:06Will Arnett?

  Sean, really quick, lunch today, Sean. Really quick, what's on the menu, quickly?

• 56:09Sean Hayes?

  Scotty, what's for lunch? Mac and cheese?

• 56:11Jason Bateman?

  He's chopping celery for the egg salad right now.

• 56:13Sean Hayes?

  Yeah, I think it's gonna be... I think it's gonna be Kraft mac and cheese.

• 56:17Speaker 03

  So you can, so you can still eat like you're in third grade and you look great. Wow, I'm impressed.

• 56:23Jason Bateman?

  He's got a cookie pouch. Show him the cookie pouch.

• 56:25Sean Hayes?

  I got a cookie pouch.

• 56:26Jason Bateman?

  There it is. Here it comes.

• 56:28Speaker 03

  Oh, there you go.

• 56:29Sean Hayes?

  That's it. It's my cookie pouch.

• 56:31Speaker 03

  No, I thought it was, growing up in the Midwest, I was, I used to look around and be like, I mean, I know I wanted to be a farmer and everything, but like...

• 56:38Sean Hayes?

  Sure.

• 56:39Speaker 03

  I was like, oh, I think there's, I used to, oh, there's been a mistake. I'm not supposed to be here. I'm supposed to be in New York. And then I got to New York and I was like, oh, well, I'm finally home. And they're like, you're the most Midwestern looking guy I've ever seen in my life. So I realized how Midwestern I was when I left the Midwest.

• 56:59Sean Hayes?

  Cause we look plain. We look plain. We blend in. We...

• 57:02Speaker 03

  And it's a sexiness, right? Like when people think Midwestern, they think sexy, you know? You know, Tim Wall's sexy, you know?

• 57:10Jason Bateman?

  Unsnap the overalls and let's get after it.

• 57:12Will Arnett?

  Sean, be, Sean, be honest. How, how long between now and when are you, have you started looking at rascals online? Are you like, what speed am I gonna get?

• 57:23Sean Hayes?

  Yeah, yeah, I'm looking at it right now.

• 57:24Will Arnett?

  Are you just eating your way into a rascal right now? Is that, is that the end goal?

• 57:28Jason Bateman?

  You put special tires on that, mags or anything, spinners?

• 57:32Sean Hayes?

  Yeah.

• 57:33Jason Bateman?

  Jim, you're the greatest.

• 57:35Will Arnett?

  Oh, well, thanks.

• 57:35Sean Hayes?

  Thanks for being here today.

• 57:37Will Arnett?

  Such a funny dude.

• 57:38Jason Bateman?

  Very nice of you to spend some time with us.

• 57:40Sean Hayes?

  We're all big fans of yours.

• 57:41Will Arnett?

  Yeah, you're such a consistently.

• 57:43Speaker 03

  Next steak dinner, you know, when I wait, you know, your table, please tip. You know what I mean? Some of it's for the busboys.

• 57:50Sean Hayes?

  And we'll act like.

• 57:51Jason Bateman?

  Will's gonna pick it up next time.

• 57:52Will Arnett?

  Next, I'm gonna pick it up all the time. Would you, if, if we're ever here in New York again and we say, hey, we're gonna go to Strip House, would you join us?

• 58:01Speaker 03

  I would totally do that.

• 58:02Jason Bateman?

  Okay. I'd love to see a set at Gotham first.

• 58:06Speaker 03

  No, I love it, because there's certain excuses. Like, when I go out with Seinfeld, I'm like, it's like Jerry wants me to have pizza. And my wife's like, I understand, but if I'm just, you know, hanging out, you know, there has to be a reason behind it. And you guys are, you know, very high status.

• 58:23Will Arnett?

  Wow.

• 58:23Sean Hayes?

  Sure.

• 58:24Jason Bateman?

  Yeah, we're worth the cholesterol. I love it.

• 58:26Will Arnett?

  Wow.

• 58:27Sean Hayes?

  Um, Jimmy, the skinny.

• 58:28Speaker 03

  The skinny.

• 58:29Sean Hayes?

  The skinny on Hulu, thanks for being here, pal. We love you and thanks for making us laugh for 70, 75 years.

• 58:35Will Arnett?

  Thanks, dude.

• 58:36Jason Bateman?

  Thanks, Jim.

• 58:37Will Arnett?

  Thanks, Jim.

• 58:39Jason Bateman?

  See you, bud.

• 58:41Jason Bateman?

  Will, I think you look 12, okay?

• 58:44Will Arnett?

  Thank you.

• 58:44Jason Bateman?

  That's my opinion.

• 58:45Will Arnett?

  I can't believe he said that. I really found it very hurtful. And you know what?

• 58:49Jason Bateman?

  And he started, he came, kicked the door down with it, didn't he? Started right out with it.

• 58:53Will Arnett?

  You know why? I think he's got a crush on me.

• 58:56Jason Bateman?

  Yeah, you are a little intimidated, you know?

• 58:58Will Arnett?

  That's the way I gotta, I gotta frame it.

• 59:00Jason Bateman?

  I'm proud of you for working right through that. You know, that could have wrecked the whole interview, but no, you didn't let it happen.

• 59:06Will Arnett?

  I love that he, I love that he doubled down on it.

• 59:09Sean Hayes?

  Over and over.

• 59:10Will Arnett?

  It's my kind of joke. It's my, I love it so much.

• 59:14Sean Hayes?

  Gavin Newsom's dad?

• 59:16Will Arnett?

  Dad.

• 59:19Sean Hayes?

  Mr. Newsom, Mr. Newsom.

• 59:22Will Arnett?

  Oh, he's doing a new sitcom called Mr. Newsom.

• 59:25Jason Bateman?

  Yeah, you know, you should, you should send your headshot to, to Lorne Michaels if Newsom makes a run at it on the next, uh, the next election cycle.

• 59:33Sean Hayes?

  Um, isn't he, he's one of those guys, when you watch him doing a special, like you said, Jason, he's so, um, he's so calm. Like, he's not like, he's not like a loud in your face kind of, right? Yeah, you see how he just kind of.

• 59:46Jason Bateman?

  Start with a grin. He doesn't even need to, he doesn't need to be talking yet.

• 59:51Sean Hayes?

  Yeah.

• 59:51Will Arnett?

  He's, he's authentic and he's, and he's such a nice guy, too.

• 59:55Sean Hayes?

  My guy, I love him.

• 59:56Will Arnett?

  He's so nice.

• 59:57Sean Hayes?

  Yeah, I love him. Huge, huge fan. I'm glad we had him. I'm trying to think of a buy.

• 1:00:02Jason Bateman?

  Okay.

• 1:00:03Sean Hayes?

  And I looked up.

• 1:00:03Will Arnett?

  Finally, seeing your honesty, finally, by the way, look at this photo that just got sent.

• 1:00:08Jason Bateman?

  Oh, my God.

• 1:00:09Sean Hayes?

  Is that Ricky?

• 1:00:12Jason Bateman?

  Wait, so you looked up synonyms?

• 1:00:14Sean Hayes?

  Yes.

• 1:00:14Jason Bateman?

  Or cinnamon, or cinnamon treats? I, I cut you off.

• 1:00:17Will Arnett?

  What, what happened?

• 1:00:17Sean Hayes?

  I have two, I have two tabs open.

• 1:00:19Jason Bateman?

  Okay.

• 1:00:22Will Arnett?

  Cinnabons near me.

• 1:00:27Sean Hayes?

  By the way, that sounds so good.

• 1:00:29Jason Bateman?

  Right?

• 1:00:30Sean Hayes?

  Um, yeah, I love that.

• 1:00:31Jason Bateman?

  Well, just after your mac and cheese, you guys can jump in a cab.

• 1:00:34Sean Hayes?

  Yeah, I love mac and cheese. Um, so there's like, there's via, there's through, there's a cross, there's a long, there's near, there's, there's a beyond, there's also a.

• 1:00:44Jason Bateman?

  Oh, synonyms to buy.

• 1:00:45Sean Hayes?

  Yeah.

• 1:00:46Jason Bateman?

  Right? Yeah.

• 1:00:47Sean Hayes?

  Like.

• 1:00:47Jason Bateman?

  Well, but what you did is you spelt it wrong.

• 1:00:49Sean Hayes?

  Oh, I did spell it wrong.

• 1:00:51Jason Bateman?

  The prompt needs to be B Y E.

• 1:00:53Sean Hayes?

  I did spell it wrong. Oh, my God. Okay. Ready? So there's adieu.

• 1:00:59Jason Bateman?

  Take your time, Sean.

• 1:01:00Sean Hayes?

  Arrivederci, arrivederci. There's cheerio.

• 1:01:04Jason Bateman?

  No, but we need, sorry, you didn't understand the concept. Uh, you need to put the word buy into the buy. We don't need a synonym. Arrivederci is not going to help you get to a buy.

• 1:01:14Will Arnett?

  We've, we've been doing it so long.

• 1:01:16Sean Hayes?

  Yeah.

• 1:01:17Will Arnett?

  Right.

• 1:01:17Jason Bateman?

  I want to blow my brains out.

• 1:01:18Will Arnett?

  Yeah, you want to blow your brain. So whatever we come up with, fine, but for our audience, we just got to make sure that they.

• 1:01:26Sean Hayes?

  Buy it!

• 1:01:27Jason Bateman?

  Oh, man, that snuck off.

• 1:01:29Sean Hayes?

  Buy it! That was good. That was really good.

• 1:01:43Will Arnett?

  Smartless is 100% organic and artisanally handcrafted by Michael Grant Terry, Rob Armjarv, and Bennett Barbaco.

• 1:02:00Speaker 04

  What do I gift my mom and nieces?

• 1:02:08Speaker 04

  Oh, Dad loves music.

• 1:02:13Speaker 04

  What sound that hits just right? And my coffee-obsessed bestie? The Long E Brew's Coffee, right for mornings extra bright. All those great brands at Walmart? Who knew? We knew, now you do too.

• 1:02:26Speaker 03

  Shop gifts, no love at Walmart.