How To Overcome Your Self Doubt with Dr. Shadé Zahrai

What If Self-Confidence Isn’t the Answer and Self-Trust Is What You’ve Been Missing? Most people think the opposite of self-doubt is confidence. In this conversation, Dr. Shadé Zahrai completely flips that belief on its head. She is a behavioral researcher, bestselling author of Big Trust, and one of the most insightful minds I’ve ever sat down with when it comes to understanding why high performers still struggle with anxiety, overthinking, and that constant feeling of not being enough. I’ll be honest, her work challenged some of the things I’ve taught for years, and that’s exactly why this episode matters. We dive deep into why waiting to feel confident is keeping so many people stuck and why self-trust always has to come first. Dr. Zahrai breaks down the four core attributes that shape how we experience doubt, including acceptance, agency, autonomy, and emotional adaptability. She explains why doubt isn’t something to eliminate, but something to rise above by strengthening who you are underneath it. If you’ve ever felt like an anxious overachiever who keeps pushing but never quite feels settled, you’re going to feel seen in this conversation. One of the most powerful parts of this episode is how expectation bias quietly shapes your reality. Dr. Zahrai shares fascinating research that shows how the scars you believe you’re carrying can completely change how you experience conversations, relationships, and opportunities, even when those scars are not real. We also talk about why validation from achievement, praise, or external approval is one of the most dangerous traps high performers fall into and why it leaves so many successful people feeling empty. We also get extremely practical. Dr. Zahrai walks through tools that actually work, including how to stop obsessing over outcomes, how to quiet the inner critical voices that sabotage momentum, and why self-forgetting through service is one of the fastest ways to restore confidence. I also share a technique from her book that has already changed how I deal with worry, and if you’re someone who struggles with anxiety or rumination, this alone is worth listening to the episode. This conversation is not surface-level motivation. It’s real inner work. If you’ve ever felt stuck between who you are and who you know you’re capable of becoming, this episode will give you a framework to rebuild trust in yourself and move forward with clarity and peace. Key Takeaways Why self-trust always comes before confidence and action The four core attributes that protect you from self-doubt How expectation bias shapes your relationships and results Why obsession with outcomes erodes self-belief A simple daily practice to reduce worry and overthinking How to quiet your inner critic without forcing fake positivity Listen now, and start building the kind of trust in yourself that no setback can take away. Max out. 👉 SUBSCRIBE TO ED'S YOUTUBE CHANNEL NOW 👈⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ → → → CONNECT WITH ED MYLETT ON SOCIAL MEDIA: ← ← ← ➡️ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠INSTAGRAM⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ➡️⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠FACEBOOK⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ➡️ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠LINKEDIN⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ➡️ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠X ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ➡️ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠WEBSITE⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Ed Mylett?

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• 0:42Ed Mylett?

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• 1:03Speaker 01

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• 1:34Speaker 02

  This is the Ed and Myron Show.

• 1:38Ed Mylett?

  Welcome back to the show, everybody. So I have to tell you something. First off, the topic today, we're going to talk about self-doubt, self-confidence, sprinkle in a little worry, just so we have the full package for you today. But, and I think it's probably the most important topic we can cover on the show. However, I'm careful to cover it on the show because it's work I do, that you know, that I work on with all of you. And so if I'm going to have a guest on, I want it to be somebody who I think brings something to the table on the topic that I've either never heard before, or is next level. And in this woman's case, she checks both of those boxes. We're going to have an extraordinary conversation about you and how your mind works and doubt today. She's a behavioral researcher, which sounds very fancy, but she's also a world-renowned author. She's got about 300

• 2:20Ed Mylett?

  million views online between her TED Talk and LinkedIn different stuff. And I read this book. I read it in a day because I could not put it down. The book is called Big Trust. And I've always wanted to say this too. I get to introduce a shaday on my show. So shaday is ari. Welcome to the show.

• 2:37Speaker 03

  Thank you so much for having me, Ed.

• 2:38Ed Mylett?

  Thank you for coming so far. Tell them how far you got, came to get here today.

• 2:41Speaker 03

  Well, I live on Koh Samui Island, which is an island off the east coast of Thailand. And we love our little island and you also live on an island. So we have that in common.

• 2:49Ed Mylett?

  We do. We have a lot in common.

• 2:50Speaker 03

  We do.

• 2:51Ed Mylett?

  Because actually off camera, I was shocked by how much. You, uh, your work's good.

• 2:56Speaker 03

  Thank you.

• 2:56Ed Mylett?

  It's really good and it's made me rethink some of the things I teach. It's, it's that good. Let's start out first of all. Let's just take self doubt and self confidence. When I say those two words to you, like what do they mean? Because to different people, they can mean different things. What's self doubt mean when I say that to you?

• 3:15Speaker 03

  So self doubt is when you fundamentally question one of four things. When we look at the research. You question your worthiness, your capability, your sense of control in a situation. Or your ability to handle the emotions associated with something. A lot of people, when you ask them what is self doubt, they think it's one big blob of worry, anxiety, fear, insecurity. And the problem with that is if we think it's just one thing, then we assume that there must be one solution. So people spend their entire lives looking for this one golden ticket that's going to eliminate their self doubt. And they get frustrated and they get disappointed when they don't find it because that's not how it works. And that's why gratitude alone doesn't really work. Positive affirmations alone don't really work.

• 3:57Speaker 03

  There is an entire system that we need to understand about what drives us and what drives our doubt. And until we understand that and what is driving it, we're not going to be able to find the right approach to actually help us rise above it.

• 4:09Ed Mylett?

  Is self confidence the antithesis of self doubt or is it different?

• 4:12Speaker 03

  When I ask a lot of people, like if I were to go on the street and ask a hundred people, what do you think the opposite of self doubt is? Ninety-five percent of them or ninety-five of them would say confidence. And it's because we live in a society where we believe. Confidence is the opposite of self doubt. So we must wait to feel confident before we take the step.

• 4:29Ed Mylett?

  Right.

• 4:30Speaker 03

  And this is why we speak to so many people who are waiting to feel ready, to feel that sense of yes, I can do this. And then they're just waiting and waiting and waiting, and I'm sure Ed, you know, a lot of people like this too. Anyone listening and watching probably is identifying, hey, that's me.

• 4:43Ed Mylett?

  Hmm.

• 4:44Speaker 03

  And the reason why this is a problem is because that feeling of confidence, when we really kind of interrogate what it is, it's associated with a feeling of certainty.

• 4:52Ed Mylett?

  Yeah.

• 4:52Speaker 03

  Of yes, I can do this. And that feeling only comes once you've done something to prove to yourself, yes, I did this.

• 4:58Ed Mylett?

  Right.

• 4:59Speaker 03

  You get a proof point, you get evidence, you build what's called self efficacy. And then that is what creates that feeling of confidence. And then you feel motivated to keep going.

• 5:08Ed Mylett?

  Hmm.

• 5:08Speaker 03

  So with that feeling everyone is waiting for comes after you do the thing.

• 5:12Ed Mylett?

  Hmm.

• 5:13Speaker 03

  What needs to come first?

• 5:14Ed Mylett?

  Hmm hmm.

• 5:15Speaker 03

  We know, okay, action's important, but there's something before action and it's not confidence. It is self trust.

• 5:21Ed Mylett?

  There you go.

• 5:21Speaker 03

  The beauty of trusting yourself, which means you don't need to know how to do it fully. You don't need to know if it's going to work out. You don't need to know anything about it other than, hey, I trust myself, my worthiness, my capability, my control, my ability to handle the emotions associated with it. And even if it doesn't work out, I'm not going to internalize that. I will learn, I will grow, I will try again.

• 5:44Ed Mylett?

  It's really good. This is what I meant when you've made me challenge some of my work, just so you know. I used to say, actually up until about three weeks ago, till I started becoming familiar with you, that self confidence is self trust. I actually used to physically, verbally, literally say that. And then you made me think about it. And you're right, and I was wrong. There is a distinction there. And then I'm like, okay, because now everything in self confidence is predicated on taking an action. But if we perceive that as doubt, then you never take the action, then you never get to the self, the self confidence. So what you say in the book, because this isn't a book that just points out the problem. Those books frustrate me, like they point out something that after you hear it, oh, that's obvious. Self trust and self confidence is different. Okay, point well taken, then what?

• 6:26Speaker 03

  Yeah, now what do I do?

• 6:27Ed Mylett?

  But in the book, you tell us what to do. Let's start out with just some foundational stuff first, which are these attributes? Because I think it helps you be really self aware once you start hearing what they are. So why don't you share those with us?

• 6:38Speaker 03

  Absolutely, okay. So when we look at self trust, the next question is, well, what is that?

• 6:42Ed Mylett?

  Yes.

• 6:42Speaker 03

  What do I actually do to develop self trust? And when we look at over fifty years' worth of research, we find that there are actually four personality traits that combine to basically create how we see ourselves. Hmm. And then that creates whether we have self doubt or self trust. When these four traits are strong and healthy and positive, it acts like a barrier, a protective force against self doubt. So Ed, let me start, and everyone listening, I want to start with an analogy. Imagine I have two glasses of water, right here, and they're full to the brim with water. Now, I also have a ping pong ball and a golf ball. Okay. So I take the ping pong ball, it's very light, and I place it on one of the glasses. What happens to that ping pong ball? It floats. It floats. What happens to the water? Hmm. Nothing. Nothing.

• 7:27Speaker 03

  What about if I take the golf ball and I place it on the other glass of water and I drop it in? What happens? Tush. And what happens to the water? Hmm. Overflow. Overflow, yeah. This is how we need to be thinking of self doubt. We need to see it as the ping pong ball. It floats above us, we're aware that it's there, but we do not internalize it. Hmm. It doesn't become something that defines who we are. Hmm. Whereas for most of us, self doubt is like that golf ball. It sinks to the bottom of who we are, we believe it is a part of us, we internalize it, and then not only that, we lose part of ourselves through the process. That water has just fallen out of the cup. Very good. And what's even more interesting is even if you then remove that golf ball from that cup, the water doesn't mysteriously refill it. So what we find is when we go on this journey of rediscovering self trust, sometimes it

• 8:11Speaker 03

  can be painful because you also have to go on a process of trusting your instincts and your decisions and asking yourself, what do I really want? Because for so long, we have outsourced our worth and our decisions to other people to meet their expectations and to make everyone else happy, that we no longer know what it is that we want and what our purpose is. So I love this analogy because. I love it. It's great, isn't it? It's really good. It's very visual. Yeah. It also reminds us, the goal is not to eliminate the doubt. Hmm. It's to strengthen parts of us. Hmm. That can naturally be resilient to it. Because doubt can be very healthy, if you know how to process it. Okay. And if you know what its function is. So then how do we strengthen these parts of ourselves? Where there are these four personality traits. This is really good. It's fascinating stuff. These four personality traits, I'm going to briefly tell you what they are without

• 8:56Speaker 03

  going into much detail. Okay. Because then I'm going to share what the problem was with them, and then I'll get into the attributes in big trust. Okay. The four traits, the first one is self esteem. How do you see yourself? Are you of value? The second one is self-efficacy. Do you believe you can do the thing? The third one is called locus of control. Do you believe that you have some degree of personal power in your life? Or do you feel powerless because you're focusing on everything outside of your control? And the fourth, emotional stability. Can you regulate your emotions in response to life? Now, what happens when you go to someone and you mention, hey, there are these four personality traits? When you mention the word personality, what do you think people usually say in response to that?

• 9:36Ed Mylett?

  Probably they were born with it.

• 9:38Speaker 03

  Yes, well, I guess that's just who I am.

• 9:40Ed Mylett?

  Right.

• 9:40Speaker 03

  Can't do anything about it. That's just me.

• 9:42Ed Mylett?

  Yeah.

• 9:42Speaker 03

  And it becomes this resistance and this blocker. And they don't want to change.

• 9:46Ed Mylett?

  Hmm.

• 9:46Speaker 03

  And it's an excuse. So we realized, okay, we get that because the truth is when you look at a lot of research, personality is stable. Who you were as a kid is largely how you're gonna be. Unless, and this is what my own research showed when I was doing the PhD. You can change your personality, but you have to choose to intervene. And strengthen a particular part of it. So this then brings us to our work and these four core pieces. So we're not gonna talk about the personality piece. We're going to talk about what are the four attributes that allow you to strengthen each of those personality traits.

• 10:18Ed Mylett?

  Very good.

• 10:19Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 10:19Ed Mylett?

  Okay.

• 10:19Speaker 03

  So, and I think it's important to understand where they come from to really appreciate just how powerful this is.

• 10:25Ed Mylett?

  Okay.

• 10:25Speaker 03

  So the very first one that we talk about is the attribute of acceptance. It's a trainable habit. And it relates to whether you fundamentally accept who you are. Do you accept who you are? Or when it's weak, you outsource your worth. You only accept yourself when other people accept you.

• 10:43Ed Mylett?

  Hmm.

• 10:43Speaker 03

  Which means you're constantly molding yourself to fit the group. Which also means you might sacrifice your morals and values if you're around people who want you to sacrifice your morals and values.

• 10:52Ed Mylett?

  Something to watch in raising your children.

• 10:54Speaker 03

  Extremely, extremely important. You become very susceptible to peer pressure. Codependent on your partner. It's not a great space to be. You also take feedback personally. You don't see it as an opportunity to grow. Because you don't accept yourself, you see it as attacking who you are. You also, there's something very interesting that happens here.

• 11:13Ed Mylett?

  So interesting.

• 11:15Speaker 03

  There's something called the Schadenfreude cycle. It's a German word. Now, don't come at me, German speakers. I think my pronunciation's off. But essentially what it is, is You know those moments when, I don't know if everyone relates to this, it's only something I've noticed earlier on in my career. When I had a lot of self doubt and a lot of insecurity, if I saw someone else stumble, it made me feel a little better about myself. Not in terms of, oh, they've given me permission to be human too. It was more like, oh, phew, great. I like seeing when they struggle.

• 11:48Ed Mylett?

  What an honest thing to say and true, and I relate to it.

• 11:51Speaker 03

  If I'm honest, I think every single person can relate to it. Not everyone is willing to acknowledge that though. That is a sign of a lack of self acceptance, because your weak sense of who you are gets a little ego boost when you see others suffer. Not, I mean, that's completely the ego, the self-serving nature. So this is acceptance. We need to strengthen acceptance. The second attribute is called self. It's the self-efficacy trait, and we call it agency. Agency is how you strengthen that. So what does that look like? It's the inherent trust that you can do the thing. Either you know how to do it, you can rely on skills you've had before, you can learn how to do it, you can find resources to help you do it, or you can find someone else to do it for you, but you will find a way.

• 12:35Speaker 03

  Now, when you struggle here, this is where we see imposter syndrome. People never feeling like they deserve to be where they are, because they may have all these achievements and these accomplishments, but deep down, they don't feel like they're as smart or as competent. We also see a lot of comparison. And this is not the kind of comparison where you look at people who have done amazing things and you think, wow, I want to do that too. This is where you look at those people and you think, I could never do that. Look at how far ahead they are. And then you start attacking all the ways you fall short from a skill perspective and an ability perspective. And then we also see people here just waiting to feel ready. They wait, they prepare, they plan, they procrastinate, they never take action because deep down, they don't believe they can. So this is agency.

• 13:20Speaker 03

  The third one is what I find the most fascinating because no one before this moment has recognized that this is a part of self doubt. It is a lack of self trust. So Ed, have you ever come across someone who complains constantly?

• 13:34Ed Mylett?

  Yes.

• 13:35Speaker 03

  They are resentful and they blame other people. They also might share the same story about how they were hurt in the past, in business, in relationships. And the first three or four times you hear it, you think, gosh, wow, yes, I have empathy. This person's gone through so much. By the thirtieth or fiftieth time, suddenly you realize, okay, this person's keeping themselves stuck.

• 13:55Ed Mylett?

  Yeah.

• 13:56Speaker 03

  That is a sign of low autonomy.

• 13:58Ed Mylett?

  Hmm.

• 13:59Speaker 03

  Low autonomy. These people feel like they have no power in their lives. They didn't have power then, they don't have power now, and so they fixate on everything they cannot control. And complain about it because it's easier to complain about something than to do something about it when you don't feel like you have power.

• 14:15Ed Mylett?

  And they're using their RAS to find references for it all the time to reconfirm it, make it a deeper and deeper belief.

• 14:20Speaker 03

  All of this is being reconfirmed by the RAS, by parts of the brain. In fact, when I get to the end, I'll share two studies that demonstrate just how powerful this is. So that is a sign or a reflection of a lack of trust in your ability to have any degree of power in your life. Now, we know you cannot control everything in life. Many things are out of our hands. And if we choose to focus on those things, guess how you feel? Powerless. Why? Because you literally are powerless.

• 14:48Ed Mylett?

  Right.

• 14:49Speaker 03

  But we also have the ability to shift our attention to things that we can control. And simply doing that, what is fascinating, when we're focusing on things we can't control and we feel like we have no power, it doesn't feel great, we have all these emotions that come with it, we see increased activity in the threat detection centers of the brain. So we're more likely to notice everything that could go wrong and then we keep ourselves stuck. Whereas when we simply shift our attention to what we can control, and this is the incredible thing about attention, when you shift your attention to what you can control actively,

• 15:20Speaker 03

  We see a decrease in activity in the amygdala, the fear centers, the threat detection centers, and an increase in activity in the prefrontal regions. So simply by shifting your attention, you fundamentally change what you're paying attention to. And then because of what's going on in the brain and the filter system, you notice more of what you can control.

• 15:37Ed Mylett?

  Very good.

• 15:37Speaker 03

  And you feel more personally powerful.

• 15:39Ed Mylett?

  Very good.

• 15:39Speaker 03

  So it's again, just these subtle nuances. So that is our third one, that's autonomy. Now, the fourth attribute, in my view, really fuels all the others. If you can get this one sorted, if you can really work on developing this, life just gets easier.

• 15:55Ed Mylett?

  Okay.

• 15:55Speaker 03

  And it's essentially, essentially it's the ability to detach from your emotions when they're not serving you. And so we call it adaptability, emotional adaptability. Can you adapt to what you feel in a given moment?

• 16:08Ed Mylett?

  Hmm.

• 16:08Speaker 03

  And that's not to say, some people ask, oh, well, does that mean I should never experience a negative emotion? And try and suppress it and push it away? Absolutely not. Emotions are data, they are signals. We need to learn to understand, what is that signal telling me? Is this giving me an indication that there is some risk in the environment? Is this revealing that one of my values has been violated? That's a really important one. People generally feel anger when a value that they have has been violated.

• 16:34Ed Mylett?

  Hmm.

• 16:35Speaker 03

  So interrogate the emotion, understand where it's coming from. But then if you can, and when I say, excuse me, when I say detach from the emotion, it doesn't mean you become numb to it, or you ignore it. You simply allow it to pass, like clouds in a sky. They're there, but you know they're temporary. And in time, you know, if you look beyond the clouds, the sun is still shining. So knowing that they're temporary, they will pass. But then, working with them to see what is it telling me, how can I channel this?

• 17:03Ed Mylett?

  Yeah.

• 17:03Speaker 03

  So, Ed, I want to just quickly go back, okay?

• 17:06Ed Mylett?

  That is outstanding, by the way.

• 17:07Speaker 03

  Thank you. I, so can I just share, I find this so incredibly powerful, because it gives people a language to understand why they experience doubt.

• 17:17Ed Mylett?

  Yes.

• 17:17Speaker 03

  No one's doubt is the same as someone else's. And what's super cool is actually when you look at where you fall on each of these attributes, it creates your doubt profile.

• 17:25Ed Mylett?

  Yes.

• 17:25Speaker 03

  And a bit like a Myers-Briggs or a DISC.

• 17:27Ed Mylett?

  Yes.

• 17:28Speaker 03

  We have these different archetypes.

• 17:29Ed Mylett?

  Yeah.

• 17:29Speaker 03

  So why don't I share the most common archetype?

• 17:31Ed Mylett?

  Yes, I, I, I know what it is from the book, but let's go.

• 17:34Speaker 03

  So the most common archetype is what we call the anxious overachiever.

• 17:36Ed Mylett?

  Yep.

• 17:37Speaker 03

  Super common in high performers, in entrepreneurs, yeah, me too. Where it's someone who, and it's, you know, the other thing which is worth noting here is, even people who have a very strong faith, I'm going to say that the ultimate antidote To self doubt is actually faith. I mean, we could just end it here and like that's it, it would have just those words in it. But at the same time, we also know that we are tested in this life. And our ability to move through through those tests allows us to determine how much faith we have. And so while we're living here in this physical world, there are challenges and we have ego and we have that negative voice and the self criticism. So I think we need to acknowledge that upfront, even people who have extremely strong faith still experience self doubt because we are human.

• 18:21Speaker 03

  So if you are tested and you feel like you have a lot of self doubt, that is okay, you're not broken. It's just a part of the human experience and everything is a learning and an opportunity to grow. And to develop those qualities within ourselves that serve us throughout our entire lives. So I want you now share that anxious overachiever archetype. And then I'm going to share these two studies that demonstrate just how powerful all of this is. Okay, so the anxious overachiever, which is me and Ed could be you, it's someone who has conditional acceptance. What does that mean? So we know that

• 18:55Speaker 03

  deep down, we we are inherently of value. Again, because we have faith, we know the reason for existence, etc. But at the same time, we are often in a position, especially those of us who fall here. We want everyone to be happy. We really want everyone to be happy and sometimes that means we sacrifice ourselves for their happiness. We've been raised that way, we are taught to be that way. And then sometimes we forget that actually we have needs and desires and wants and opinions that deserve to be heard as well. And so that conditional acceptance is really common in high performers and entrepreneurs, in leaders. It's this conditional acceptance. If you're around people who support you and believe in you and you're doing well

• 19:38Speaker 03

  from a business perspective, a life perspective, you feel great. But if you're around people who make you question your worth, if you're struggling in business, if you're experiencing a failure, you might turn inwards. And become self critical. So that's what we call conditional acceptance. We are people pleasers because we enjoy it, but we sacrifice ourselves in the process.

• 19:58Ed Mylett?

  Totally get it, very much relate.

• 20:00Speaker 03

  Very much relate to. It's an ongoing process for me.

• 20:03Ed Mylett?

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• 20:46Ed Mylett?

  Go to ro.co/mylet to see if you qualify. That's R-O dot C-O slash my let to get started on Ro. For side effects of GLP-1 medications, including boxed warning, go to ro.co forward slash safety. R-O dot C-O slash safety. So when I end up buying the island, we had to do all of our outdoor decorating, and I spent a fortune in the first half of the place. And I'm like, I don't want to do this anymore, but I want the best stuff. And that's where Wayfair came in. My wife wanted to get this new garden bed, and Wayfair was the place that offered the perfect solution. Wayfair also helps you create a home that stands up to real life with quality products, great value, and trusted reviews. Wayfair verified products are hand-vetted by product specialists. They use a 10-point quality inspection system. Here's all I can tell you. The stuff has lasted over time.

• 21:31Ed Mylett?

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• 22:07Speaker 03

  Then, those of us in this space, the anxious overachiever, we have reasonably high agency.

• 22:13Ed Mylett?

  Yes.

• 22:13Speaker 03

  So we believe we can do things because we often have a track record. We've done it before, and we've done the work. And we know that if there's something new, we'll be able to figure it out. Because again, we've done the work. Our autonomy is also extremely high, meaning we always focus on what we can control. We're always focusing on the next step. What can happen sometimes here is that we are so focused on what we can control, that sometimes we blame ourselves for things that are outside of our control. And we personalize. And we think, I should have known better, I should have done this, I should have been across that. So then that's a sign of the low acceptance coming through. But then, in this particular archetype, and I resonate with this, we also have a shaky adaptability. Unless we focus on it, what does that mean? We're driven by a lot of overthinking.

• 22:56Speaker 03

  There's this low-level anxiety feeling like I haven't done enough, I need to do more, is everyone else okay? Am I doing enough in my business? Am I doing enough in my family? And it's this constant incessant feeling of I'm not enough yet. I need to be more, become more of that role model for my, my family, my community. I need to, and again, that constant undercurrent of emotional shakiness drives a lot of the other doubt. Now, a lot of us have done a lot of work to get better at adaptability. But we can still feel it, especially when the pressure's on. When there's a lot going on, when there's a lot of change. Or when there is instability in our lives. When there is an unexpected health issue, a death in the family. A lot of these insecurities can come back.

• 23:37Ed Mylett?

  Very good.

• 23:38Speaker 03

  So this is, I find it so interesting because I'm like, wow.

• 23:41Ed Mylett?

  So I think, I want to say one thing about the book too, just, I want to make my plug for you on the book.

• 23:45Speaker 03

  Thank you.

• 23:46Ed Mylett?

  For no other reason to get the book, is you ought to go figure out what your archetype, your profile is. It may not be the one that you just described. I think it, because it'll, to know thyself is to begin to heal thyself and, and to find a solution and a cure and the recipe for you. So that in and of itself is really, really powerful. I think that probably is me, what you just described. As close as I can get to, you know, being connected with a profiler or an archetype, I think it's that. Anyway, you were going to tell us those two studies.

• 24:12Speaker 03

  Yes, let's go. So the study I love to share, and it's in one of the early chapters in the book. I share it all the time because it's so memorable. It's from the seventies, late seventies, back when they could conduct studies like this. Ethically, they wouldn't be able to do them anymore. So yay for researchers in the seventies. So, late nineteen seventies, a psychology professor from Dartmouth, Robert Kleck, conducted this fascinating experiment. Where he brought people together and he split them up into groups. Now with one of the groups, he drew a scar on their face from their ear to their mouth. And let them see themselves in a hand mirror, so they can confirm, yes, I have a scar on my face. The other group, no scar. He then sends everybody into conversations with strangers. They have their conversations, they come back in, this is individually, by the way, they're not all doing this together. They're doing it one by one.

• 24:57Speaker 03

  They come back and they share about how they felt the conversation went. And the conversation for those who had the scar, they said it was tense. Their conversation partner was cold, it was uncomfortable, they felt like they were treated differently because of the scar. The other group, fine, no issues whatsoever, enjoyed the conversations. But here is where it gets really interesting, I mean, that would be a study on discrimination and prejudice. But that was not the point of the study. If I rewind a little bit, before these participants with the scars went into their conversations, the researcher said, I'm going to apply some moisturizing cream to set the scar, so it doesn't crack. Okay, fair enough.

• 25:37Speaker 03

  So he applies the moisturizing cream, but what he does without telling them is he removes the scar entirely. They had no scar on their face. They go into these conversations believing they have a physical disfigurement on their face. And that is what they noticed when it was completely untrue. I get goosebumps when I share that story. Because we just have to think, how many scars are we carrying in our lives? Into every conversation, into our marriages, with our children, in our businesses, with our clients? And how is that reinforcing the belief that we already have about ourselves, even when it's not objectively true? It's expectation bias.

• 26:22Ed Mylett?

  You really got me there.

• 26:23Speaker 03

  Oh, I'm glad.

• 26:24Ed Mylett?

  That is, that's tremendous, and by the way, the way you lay it out. With the punchline there is tremendous too. Keep going, I'm just, I'm really, I'm really into this.

• 26:34Speaker 03

  I'm glad.

• 26:34Ed Mylett?

  The audience knows, they can tell.

• 26:35Speaker 03

  I'm so happy.

• 26:36Ed Mylett?

  Yeah.

• 26:36Speaker 03

  I love that story or that study because

• 26:39Ed Mylett?

  So do I.

• 26:39Speaker 03

  Expectation bias affects us in everything. If you expect yourself to perform well in an interview, you are more likely to perform well.

• 26:45Ed Mylett?

  Hmm.

• 26:45Speaker 03

  If you expect yourself to be successful asking that person out at the restaurant, you're more likely to be successful. Because what we believe influences how we show up

• 26:55Ed Mylett?

  Hmm.

• 26:55Speaker 03

  and what we notice, which then reinforces whatever we believe. I had this one experience once where I went out walking and people were looking at me. And I thought, gosh, like I must have dressed really nice today or maybe my hair looks good. And I was smiling back and I felt fantastic, which in itself, you know, there's this beautiful line that comes from the book, The Four Agreements.

• 27:14Ed Mylett?

  Great book.

• 27:15Speaker 03

  Oh, one of my favorites.

• 27:16Ed Mylett?

  Just talk about what Sage Robbins on the show.

• 27:17Speaker 03

  Oh, beautiful. I love that there's this connection.

• 27:19Ed Mylett?

  Yes.

• 27:20Speaker 03

  So one of the agreements is take nothing personally.

• 27:23Ed Mylett?

  Hmm.

• 27:23Speaker 03

  And that's a given. We know we shouldn't take negative things personally.

• 27:26Ed Mylett?

  Hmm.

• 27:26Speaker 03

  But this is also the positive. Don't allow the positive words of someone else to make you feel better about yourself. Do you know why?

• 27:33Ed Mylett?

  Yeah.

• 27:33Speaker 03

  Because it means that you fundamentally don't accept yourself and you're waiting for others to validate you.

• 27:38Ed Mylett?

  That is a massively true point. It's a really like cheap way to feel good. It's like, it's like candy or sugar high. And it's very dangerous when you live on compliments or affirmation or even achievement and accolades

• 27:52Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 27:52Ed Mylett?

  for your validation.

• 27:53Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 27:54Ed Mylett?

  It's, I think, and I want to just step in here, it's one of the things I wanted to ask you. I think that's why so many of my mega achievers that I coach one-on-one. And you know, some of them have run pretty big countries and do some big stuff, are fundamentally still pretty unhappy people. I hate to say this, and even frankly, you can go look at 800 guests that have been on the show, some of the most famous, successful people in the world. When this camera goes off and we're putting the mics together, hey, can we get together at one-on-one? I'm just not happy. I'm just not happy. And I think because there's a lane that many get into where all of their validation Is conditional. Conditional on their achievement, conditional on how people are speaking about them, conditional on their likes, their views, their bank account, their awards.

• 28:35Ed Mylett?

  I, I think you're absolutely one million percent right, and it's an easy lane to get into feel good too. That we can choose to get us out of the lane we're in right now. Oh, if I could just get compliments, if I'll just. And this also causes children, young people to do things to get acceptance, to belong.

• 28:54Ed Mylett?

  You know, those of you that are, I just think all the time about, I want, I want both my children, my son's here today, as you know, but particularly with my daughter, I want, for some reason, as a dad, it's the way I look at it. I don't mean this in any. You know, misogynistic way at all. I just mean, I don't, especially my daughter, I don't want her to think that she has to get her validation. By doing something that makes her uncomfortable, or looking a particular way, or dressing provocatively, or whatever it might be to get that. Hit, so to speak of, oh, I feel good about myself today because somebody says I look great today. You know what I'm saying? It's something I really, really worry about. So I didn't mean to interrupt you on the two studies.

• 29:29Speaker 03

  Please interrupt more if you have things to share because we'd love to hear your perspective.

• 29:33Ed Mylett?

  Well, I will tell you one thing, you used the word earlier, I'll jump in and we'll get into the other study. You used the word detach earlier, detach from the emotion. I want to, I, this isn't in the book. I'm just curious about your thoughts on this. What about detaching from outcome when you have a task? So. So I'm very outcome focused, goal focused, as are most people that listen to this, but years ago, Wayne Dyer became a very dear friend of mine, who's one of the, I think, the Mount Rushmore of people in this self-help. Personal production industry, whatever you want to call it. And he goes, you know, Ed, one thing that you might consider doing is not being so attached to the outcome. Um, and separating from things. So it's okay to have a goal. Hey, I want to achieve, I want to make this sale done, or, but in the moment of execution, if you can separate from outcome.

• 30:16Ed Mylett?

  It somehow reduces the, what he would call like a pressure on you or performance anxiety that I have to get this done. I have to get this date. She has to marry me. I have to close the sale. I have to nail this speech. I have to make this putt. I've got to hit a home run this time when I'm up. And that obsession with outcome. Causes our self-trust to drop. Do you agree with that?

• 30:39Speaker 03

  One hundred percent.

• 30:40Ed Mylett?

  Okay.

• 30:41Speaker 03

  Obsession with outcome is, in our experience, almost always related to a lack of acceptance. Because you have. Almost subconsciously attached your sense of worth to whatever happens there.

• 30:57Ed Mylett?

  There you go.

• 30:58Speaker 03

  And if I don't get that thing, then I'm not enough. And again, it's not something people would often verbalize, but it's deep down, it's a scar that they carry. And that's also what holds so many people back because they think, but if I do it and I don't get it, then I'm getting confirmation that I'm not enough.

• 31:12Ed Mylett?

  Right.

• 31:13Speaker 03

  And I don't want that, and therefore I'm going to just stay safe. And something that we have in the book, which came from a lot of my work with clients, and you would have experienced this too. Everyone has a critical voice. But what I also identified after doing hundreds of interviews is that it doesn't sound the same. Even in the same person, they have different facets of that voice. And so we identified four inner critical voices. We call them the inner deceivers. I'll tell you what they are, and if you're listening, see if you can like check along which ones you have. The first one is just the default voice of criticism. Why'd you do that? Should have done this. You're an idiot. It's just there in the background. It's a classic judge. The second one's called the misguided protector.

• 31:54Speaker 03

  And it tries to protect you from harm by anticipating everything that could go wrong.

• 31:59Ed Mylett?

  Yeah.

• 32:00Speaker 03

  Magnifying it so that you don't take action because then you're safe, but you're also stuck. So its function is protection, but it keeps you stagnant. The third one is what we call the ringmaster. It's that incessant voice in our heads that pushes us to keep pushing and keep going and push harder and don't stop working, otherwise I'll make you feel guilty. I mean, productivity guilt is a real thing. And also, once you get there, then you'll feel enough, and then you get there and you don't feel enough. It goes, oh, it'll be that one, it'll be that one. And you incessantly set these bigger and better goals and you feel empty. And then the fourth one is what we call the neglector. It's the one that highlights that your desires and wants are not important. You need to satisfy everyone else first.

• 32:44Speaker 03

  If they're not happy with you, you are nothing.

• 32:47Ed Mylett?

  Hmm.

• 32:47Speaker 03

  They matter more, so it forces you to neglect yourself.

• 32:50Ed Mylett?

  I just think of my mom when you say that.

• 32:52Speaker 03

  Oh, I think of my mom too.

• 32:53Ed Mylett?

  Do you?

• 32:53Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 32:54Ed Mylett?

  Yeah, I bet people, a lot of people are thinking of their mom.

• 32:57Speaker 03

  Yeah, so the second one's just a really short one, and I think, so the SCA study is fantastic, but the second one introduces some, I love these studies. You know what I love about my work?

• 33:04Ed Mylett?

  Yeah. Tell me what you love about your work.

• 33:06Speaker 03

  It's okay, so a little bit of my own insecurity. I went to law school and I felt deeply, deeply insecure. I never felt like I belonged, and I felt like I would be found out that I was an error. And then I worked in banking and finance, and the legal industry felt the same. So I've always felt like I need to have some kind of backing to what I'm saying, some kind of evidence, otherwise I don't want to say it. I've somehow found myself in a career where thankfully, everything I say is backed by research.

• 33:31Ed Mylett?

  Yes.

• 33:31Speaker 03

  So it's a very comforting space, but that also reflects that I lack self-acceptance. I'm allowed to have an opinion, so I'm working on that. I'm working on having opinions, especially if they differ to other people.

• 33:40Ed Mylett?

  I, I agree with you, but I also do love that about your work, that it's all like, hey, well, here's a study to validate this, or here's, if even for me, like, I, I like in my work to have proof of concept somehow. I don't think that necessarily means that I'm not allowed to have an opinion. It's just that in many cases, I, I want to say, like, here's some social proof, or.

• 33:58Speaker 03

  It's an informed opinion.

• 33:59Ed Mylett?

  There you go, exactly, there we go, very well said, as usual. Okay, so what's this study?

• 34:04Speaker 03

  Okay, so the second one, it introduces the idea of some neuroscience into this.

• 34:08Ed Mylett?

  Okay.

• 34:08Speaker 03

  So Ali Akram was conducting, she was the head researcher in conducting this study, looking at the role of expectation on outcomes. So basically what they did is they had a group of people, they split them in two, they gave them a milkshake to drink. Now, one group was told this milkshake was really calorie-dense, full of calories. Like, this is like two meals' worth of calories in this milkshake. The other group, same milkshake, but they were told, there are like no calories in this, it's nothing, it's like water. They give these groups the milkshakes. What they found is the group with the, that were told it was calorie-dense, full of calories, they stayed fuller for much longer. The group that was told it was like drinking water, they became hungry. Really quickly after it.

• 34:53Ed Mylett?

  Same drink.

• 34:54Speaker 03

  Same drink. And so essentially what it's doing is that expectation.

• 34:58Ed Mylett?

  Yeah.

• 34:58Speaker 03

  Influenced grelin, the hormo, uh, the hunger hormone in their brain, making them feel more hungry. It was the same thing. It should have had the same effect on their body.

• 35:06Ed Mylett?

  It's bananas.

• 35:07Speaker 03

  It's bananas. And there are so many studies in the realm of placebo effect.

• 35:10Ed Mylett?

  Yes.

• 35:10Speaker 03

  You know, like a painkiller versus a nothing. And depending on what you believe, it works or doesn't. So we need to acknowledge it is undisputable that your beliefs influence not only what you notice, but actually what is going on in your brain.

• 35:25Ed Mylett?

  Chemically in your brain, neurochemically. Okay. So here's what we're gonna do.

• 35:28Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 35:28Ed Mylett?

  We're gonna go a little bit solution based now, a little bit. Um, by the way, you're welcome back on the show. I just want to say in the middle of the interview, I should say at the end, it sounds good, but we, I want to have you back on. To me, this, so you know, those pieces in your closet that you find yourself wearing like on repeat all the time? That sweater that kind of just goes with everything or these perfect pair of pants? Those are the pieces that make getting dressed easy. And that's what Quince does best. Quince focuses on high quality wardrobe staples with premium materials like a hundred percent Mongolian cashmere, organic cotton. The styles are timeless, versatile and designed to become the dependable pieces you reach for every day. It's what I'm wearing right now. They give you the softness and quality you'd expect from a luxury brand without the price tag. Quince also makes premium pants, fitted tees and polos and breathable activewear.

• 36:11Ed Mylett?

  Quality basics designed to work with your wardrobe and hold up to everyday wear. I love their cotton tees. I'm wearing one now and I get a ton of compliments when I wear them on the podcast and when I speak. So find your next fall favorites at Quince, download the Quince app for app exclusive offers, or go to quince.com slash ed for free shipping on your order and three sixty five day returns. Now available in Canada and the UK too. That's Q U I N C E dot com slash ed. So you know, I've been trying to take my health and my morning routine to the next level. And I used to do a whole bunch of different stuff, tons of different supplements. And then I found all in one in a drink with IM8. IM8 is the way to simplify your supplement routine. Finally, once and for all.

• 36:52Ed Mylett?

  Sixteen supplements replaced ninety ingredients across nine major organ systems in one drink.

• 36:59Ed Mylett?

  You can have all these supplements for $2.61 a day. I've changed my mornings. The whole IM8 routine has changed my mornings. I feel great and I bring energy to the entire day. Go to IM8health.com/Ed10 right now, or click the link in the description and use code ED10 for a free welcome kit, five free travel sachets plus 10% off your order. That's code ED10 at IM8health.com/Ed10. Code ED10 at IM8health.com/Ed10. These statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. This is like, I'm gonna give you the sentence you said in the book, and I'm like, this is like foundational. And I'm probably gonna say it wrong.

• 37:44Ed Mylett?

  But I used to think people that were egomaniacs, that were like obsessed with themselves, fit a particular profile. They were loud, boisterous, bragged all the time. You can kind of just see them. That's an ego person. They're self-focused. And I thought more quiet, humble, people like you and I, one-on-one, we're both introverts. People that lack confidence to some extent naturally, just something they've struggled with in their life. Those are non-ego-driven people, non-focus-driven people. And over the last 20 years of doing my work, I've found out that's actually not true. And oftentimes, people that struggle the most with their confidence, or doubt, or self-trust, all of those three things, are actually self-focused too much. And so you actually have this thing in the book,

• 38:29Ed Mylett?

  self-focus instead of self-forget. This is huge, you guys. It's simple, but it's like very foundational to making this shift. Self-focus or self-forget? What did you mean in the book when you said that?

• 38:41Speaker 03

  What we find is a lot of people think if they want to overcome their doubt, they have to focus more on themselves and their doubts, and the voices in their heads. But actually, the more we do that, the more we become focused on I, me, my. How are they seeing me? How am I coming across? What am I achieving? And these are voices of the ego. That kind of self-serving part of us that appeals to our lower nature. Doesn't allow us to appeal to our higher nature. And so, one of the simplest things you can do to quieten the voice of self-doubt is not more self-focus, it's less.

• 39:14Ed Mylett?

  Yes.

• 39:14Speaker 03

  And it's by self-forgetting. What does that mean? Self-forgetting simply means prioritizing the needs and desires of other people. Now, not in a self-sacrificing way.

• 39:25Ed Mylett?

  This is so nuanced, isn't it? Because it's like mom.

• 39:27Speaker 03

  Exactly.

• 39:27Ed Mylett?

  Then I think of mom.

• 39:28Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 39:28Ed Mylett?

  And it's so, I want, I want you to go there.

• 39:30Speaker 03

  And so it's, and this is where we get confused.

• 39:32Ed Mylett?

  Yep.

• 39:32Speaker 03

  Because the, we call it the gift that allows you to tap into self-acceptance is to self-forget.

• 39:38Ed Mylett?

  Mm-hmm.

• 39:38Speaker 03

  Which means, do something for someone else. Be of service, be of value, volunteer your time, be charitable.

• 39:44Ed Mylett?

  Mm-hmm.

• 39:45Speaker 03

  Do something that gets you out of your head. I mean, we know there are studies that show, if you offer an act of kindness to someone else, you get this beautiful shot of oxytocin and dopamine. It makes you feel more connected. Not only that, anyone who sees that also feels the same, as well as the person receiving it.

• 40:00Ed Mylett?

  You know how right you are. I, I've used to say, when you're feeling the most helpless, get the most helpful. But one application of what you're teaching here, I just want everyone to, you know, hear the way that I hear it, so that you guys take action on this and also get the book. I'm about to go speak to a few thousand people after we do this interview, as you know. And I used to really have a hard time with imposter syndrome, with I'm not good enough, what are they gonna think about me? I hope they like me, et cetera, et cetera. And it just made it a torturous experience to get on stage and speak. And then over time, I just started to look into the crowd and realize, this is a soul. There's a human in there, maybe they need me. What if I took my focus when I walk out on this stage and focus on them?

• 40:42Speaker 03

  Hmm.

• 40:43Ed Mylett?

  And their needs. And I almost lose myself in the service of others.

• 40:47Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 40:47Ed Mylett?

  It doesn't mean I'm not focused, just so you know the nuance, everybody. I'm still focused on the message I need to deliver. I still wanna be tactically good on the stage. I still wanna be, have good timing and rhythm. And so, I'm still focused to that extent on me. But the outcome of the work, my overall focus when I walk on that stage or I'm backstage, is on them, not me. I self-forget. And that self-forgetting, I think, as a spiritual person, allows the higher me, in my case, the Holy Spirit, to take over and enter the room, and I don't get in the way of it. But also, I enjoy it more, I'm better, I have way more self-trust and self-confidence going out there, because I'm not self-focused when I go out. So that's the application of it for me.

• 41:32Speaker 03

  Beautifully said.

• 41:33Ed Mylett?

  Okay.

• 41:33Speaker 03

  So beautifully said. And what happens is, your goal is then not, how do I look on stage? It's what kind of an impact am I having on these souls?

• 41:41Ed Mylett?

  Yes.

• 41:42Speaker 03

  And that is incredibly powerful. It has a self-minimizing effect.

• 41:46Ed Mylett?

  Yes.

• 41:47Speaker 03

  So the self, meaning that incessant voice, how am I coming across, how do people see me? That becomes dampened when we're focused on being of value to other people. Now, a really tactical, tangible tool for people here.

• 41:57Ed Mylett?

  Okay.

• 41:58Speaker 03

  I call it the care less, care more list. So I used to get very anxious sharing, well, I still do. Every time I go to share anything on social media, because we do it all ourselves, we don't have a team. And there is an element of vulnerability that comes when you're doing the posting. When my finger is hovering over the post button, there is this little voice that creeps in. What are they going to think? Am I going to get the comments? Are they going to criticize this? And also, in today's day and age, am I going to get canceled? Have I said anything that could be misinterpreted? And I become so fixated on that that sometimes I hesitate and I don't post. So I started saying to myself, care less, care less, Shade. Care less about what they think about how many people respond about this, that, and the other. And it really helped. And I realized it's because of attention. Instead of my attention going to all the what will they think of me's,

• 42:43Speaker 03

  I just shifted to, well, I'm just going to stop thinking about that.

• 42:46Ed Mylett?

  Yes.

• 42:47Speaker 03

  But then my husband, wonderful Faisal, who's my co-author and business partner and the best decision I ever made in my life, he said, okay, well, that's half the story, care less, but what are you caring more about? And I realized, ah, I see what you're getting at. So now what I do is I say, care less, Shade, about how I'm coming across and what other people think. Care more about being of service, about being of value and finding that soul that needs to hear this message.

• 43:13Ed Mylett?

  Care more. That is profoundly so great. I'm telling you, everybody who's, if you struggle with like just chronic fear, this is such a foundational move that if you just get out of yourself, I'm telling you, it's a, it's, it's almost ninety-seven percent of the work. It truly is. One of the other things for me, so I, you know, over the years, when you're in this work, you kind of start checking boxes on you're growing and getting better. And so I don't struggle much anymore with the voice in my head or even self doubt. Not a lot of that anymore. I mean, there's certain situations, I'm sure where that creep, I, yeah, actually I think of one recently. I'm coaching someone that just came on board that ran a big country and I remember thinking, why in the world does she want, you know, me?

• 43:56Ed Mylett?

  So there was a little of that. So I still, that's true. I still have some of that. But what I, I think the holy grail for me is worry. And I know why I worry. I think when you grow up in a home with an alcoholic dad or anything like that, you worry about your dad. You worry, are mom and dad gonna stay together? You, you begin this pattern of worry. And then that pattern, like that story you tell, becomes a familiar home. Even if it's not a home I like living in, I'm very familiar with it and the brain loves certainty. The brain loves familiarity. And so I, I can, I can get into a worry lane. I have like high speed internet to a worry lane and a really bumpy dirt road to peace, right?

• 44:31Speaker 03

  Nice analogy.

• 44:32Ed Mylett?

  It's just true. And so, oh my gosh, this book about worry, because everyone's like, don't worry. And I know scripturally, depending on what your religious beliefs are, it's a sin in some cases. And set all that aside for a second. You all worry and you know you damn worry, okay? And some of you more than others. And I am really good at it. And I'm like, I have to just drop all this worrying. But I've never been able to meet that threshold. You have a tool in this book that is simple for us worriers or that have anxiety. And it is awesome because I've been doing it for like six days and it's legit and I'm going to continue it. I think it's a, I'm pretty good. I make my mind up. This is a decision. This is going to be a habit I'm going to develop. Tell them about the worry time.

• 45:12Speaker 03

  This is my, probably one of my favorite tips in the book. Because I, it's something I do almost every day. Okay. I'm also an obsessive warrior. My brain loves to overthink. And again, it's, there's this comfort that comes from the overthinking, but it does not help us. The brain is seeking certainty and it's trying to find certainty. And then in our overthinking, we will magnify things that could go wrong because then at least we have certainty. Everything's gonna be terrible. Everything's going, right? It doesn't help us. Yes. Now, a lot of guidance out there is structured around distract yourself, eliminate the thought, do other things. But what we know, I mean, what happens, Ed, when you try not to think about something? You think about it more. Yep. In fact, there was this really great study, early, early on, like decades ago. It was called the white bear experiment. Yes, yes. They asked people not to think about a white bear.

• 45:57Speaker 03

  And then they asked another group to think about a white bear. The group that was asked not to think about the white bear, thought about the white bear more than the group that was told to think about it. So when you try and suppress a thought, it doesn't work, it comes back. So what researchers have found is, don't try and suppress the worry. Give it a time and place. Yes. Which I love, because that's fantastic. Okay, so what does that mean? That means firstly, you need to schedule worry time every day. This is good. If you're a warrior, right? Ten minutes, I find ten minutes is good for me, but the research actually says it can be up to thirty minutes. So you can start with thirty if you want more time and reduce it. Set worry time, put it in your calendar. Now, someone said, but if you call it worry time, that's a negative term. You can call it whatever you like. Me time, cup of tea time, whatever it is, but have that in your calendar, usually towards the end of the day.

• 46:42Speaker 03

  Not too close to bed because it will affect your sleep. So some people do it after work or after dinner on the couch, when you have alone time. Now, during the day, when a worry pops up, as it does, and it's so incredibly distracting, you write it down in a worry list. Or a cup of tea list, whatever you wanna call your worry time. I call it a worry list, and I have it on my phone. But I also recommend having a physical notebook. Write down your worry. Now, what is remarkable is sometimes when you write something down, your brain goes, oh, good, you're not going to forget it. I don't have to keep reminding you. Right, that's the first thing, so write it down.

• 47:18Ed Mylett?

  Very good.

• 47:18Speaker 03

  Then, say to yourself, "I'm not gonna worry about you now, I will worry about you during worry time." So you're giving it a time and place, you've given it an outlet. Remarkably, even that in itself can help reduce the worries. Capture all them. When you get to worry time, you know, your calendar notifies you. Pull out your list and allow yourself to worry.

• 47:36Ed Mylett?

  Very good, you guys.

• 47:37Speaker 03

  It's remarkable.

• 47:38Ed Mylett?

  I'm telling you, it's remarkable. And, let me tell you the other thing I've experienced. By the way, thank you for that. Like, that alone is a life, I would say, life-altering thing for me. And what I found out is that, uh, I have my worry time, it's... I'm not gonna say when it is, but it's, it's five, six hours before bed because of what you said. Cause I'm a ruminator. You get me going too good, but what I have found is, I've set this window of time, which is only ten minutes in my case. You know what I found out, by the time I get there, which is, I'll just be, it's between like five and seven o'clock, I'll just share that. I have found that by the time I get back to my list, that my ability to find the worry to the depth that I was heading into it before is much more shallow.

• 48:19Ed Mylett?

  Or doesn't exist at all anymore. That doesn't mean there aren't a few things, I'm like, alright, I'm gonna sit here and ruminate on this one. Let me see how bad I can make this in my head. But the vast majority of the things that I've been writing down throughout the day, by the time I get to worry time to worry about them, I can't find the groove.

• 48:33Speaker 03

  Where's the emotion?

• 48:34Ed Mylett?

  Right, where is this? Like, where's the dread? What's going on here? It's very hard for me to find it. Six, seven hours removed. Yet, there's a few cases where I have. Have you found that with you as well?

• 48:44Speaker 03

  Hundred percent. And it's because in the moment, when the thought comes, that's a stimulus, and then the emotion responds to that. But when you've given it time, when you review it, suddenly, there's this sense of objectivity. And you don't get stuck in, again, there might be some, but you don't get stuck in them, which also helps you determine which of these are actual worries.

• 49:01Ed Mylett?

  You got it.

• 49:01Speaker 03

  And which ones were just because I had a bad experience with someone. Or I just, I hadn't eaten that day, and so my mind was playing, or I hadn't slept, and so this thing felt bigger than it was.

• 49:09Ed Mylett?

  Or I'm just in my pattern of what I do.

• 49:11Speaker 03

  Exactly.

• 49:11Ed Mylett?

  Can I tell you the other thing that it does, and maybe you could speak to it, I was just gonna, I had a thought about it. The other thing that, and you say this in the book, so it's valid. It's training me almost to what you say in the book, which is this, and then I'll let you elaborate on it. By the time I get to it, and I'm like, "Yeah, that was a dumb worry." Like, I can't get myself to worry about it. No, there are things, again, where I'm like, it's valid. But it's also re convincing me that I don't have to believe everything I think in the moment I think it. Because once I've written it down in the moment I'm thinking it and I'm like, I'm gonna get to you at five thirty. By the time I get to it at five thirty, I'm like, what the heck did I believe that for? And so it's actually training me to be more of an observer of my thoughts in the moment. Rather than addicted to them and identifying and attaching to my thought.

• 49:56Ed Mylett?

  It's teaching me that I don't have to believe everything I think in the moment that I think it.

• 49:59Speaker 03

  Beautifully said.

• 50:00Ed Mylett?

  And you say this in the book.

• 50:01Speaker 03

  Beautifully said. There's so much power in being able to do that, reminding ourselves you don't have to believe everything you think. And you don't have to believe everything your mind tells you to believe based on a pattern that's been there since childhood. And so this simple, simple practice of just, it's called stimulus control for worry. This simple, simple practice is so remarkably effective. Now, there are a couple of steps afterwards, because you might find someone will go through their worries and then suddenly.

• 50:27Ed Mylett?

  Yes.

• 50:27Speaker 03

  It's on superdrive. When the alarm goes off, you have to be setting the alarm. When the alarm goes off, the ten minutes, the thirty minutes, whatever it is. You need to have the discipline to say, okay, I'm stopping the worry now. Then you look at your list and you ask, is there anything that I need to do about any of these? What is within my control? And is there anything I can do? And then if there is, you commit to one, two, or three actions, just very, very small ones. That reminds you that there's always a small step you can take, which builds up your sense of autonomy in the moment. And then if there's nothing you can do about it, you're like, great, I'll just worry about it again tomorrow. And it's remarkably effective. Then at the end of the week, what's helpful is to go back through your list. And then reflect on how many of these were dumb, just dumb thoughts that popped to me in the moment.

• 51:12Speaker 03

  How many of these are actual worries? And what are the patterns here? What are reflecting deep patterns that were developed when I was a kid? That I don't actually have to stay attached to today.

• 51:23Ed Mylett?

  Outstanding.

• 51:24Speaker 03

  Again, it's just so simple, but so effective.

• 51:26Ed Mylett?

  You know what it really is, is that, but again, I just wanna validate what you've been talking about the whole podcast. This is actually working on yourself. When you hear, hey, I'm really working on myself right now. That description of what you just said about writing it down in the moment, getting it to it during worry time, reflecting it at the end of the week. Now you're working on yourself. Now you're making progress. That's a little bit different than just speaking outside, I'm worthy, or I'm amazing, or I deserve to win. That's not that it's ineffective or not important at all, but there's levels to this game of changing yourself. And what you're describing here is a real level of real change. Like, you can't do that for three months and not be somehow different. And the reason you need to be different is I want to go down this road with you on imposter syndrome. We've got some time left, so I want to cover this. Because I always think,

• 52:11Ed Mylett?

  what do they make, what does everyone else want me to ask about? So I want to cover this with you. I've been fortunate, as you know, to coach, you know, people who've achieved at a pretty high level, including people, as I said earlier, that have run some pretty large countries, including the one we're sitting in right now. Not the one who's running it now, but someone else. And I was shocked, and I worked with them post their leadership, not during it in this case. But I was shocked with them, with their guard down a little bit, would be willing to tell me how much as leader of a large country, or someone, a CEO who's leading a very big company, or the best singer in the world at the time, how real imposter syndrome is for people.

• 52:50Ed Mylett?

  How real it is, and it's, it's deep. Yet, these people were functional imposters to some extent. It made me feel so good because I'm like, because I suffer from this too, depending on what venue I'm in or where I go. And so I want you to speak to this for a minute. If someone's like, I just chronically have this imposter thing. What is a tool, a resource, a strategy that can begin to chip away at it at least?

• 53:18Speaker 03

  So, imposter syndrome, the very first thing we need to acknowledge is that the term imposter syndrome doesn't actually exist in the literature as a syndrome. It's called imposter phenomenon. Now, if you just think about the difference between a syndrome and a phenomenon, they feel very different. A phenomenon is something that is observed from a behavioral perspective. A lot of people experience this thing. It's a behavioral phenomenon. A syndrome makes it seem pathological, like something is deeply wrong with us. It's not a diagnosis. It's just an experience and some researchers found that up to eighty-two percent of people have experienced imposter syndrome. Or rather, I should say, the imposter phenomenon, feeling like an imposter, like a bit of a fraud. It's usually only in people, so in order to experience that, you have to have actually achieved something.

• 54:04Speaker 03

  You have to have a track record of success. Otherwise, it's not imposter syndrome, it's just self doubt. So that's the first thing. That's why we only see imposter syndrome in people who are achieving. Good point. And successful. Otherwise, it's just, hey, I've never done this before. Okay, great, deal with that. But this imposter feeling can either do one of two things. Either it holds people back from taking on the next step, or leveling up, or going for that next opportunity. But typically, what we see is that it doesn't necessarily hold them back, it just makes everything a lot more difficult. So, yes, they've just stepped into this next role, yes, they're running a country, yes, they're running a business. Yes, they're coaching amazing people. They're in that position and they feel like, maybe I don't deserve to be here because I think other people think I'm more competent than I am. Yeah.

• 54:49Speaker 03

  I see that as a healthy sign of humility. Okay. To a degree. So if we can shift it and think, okay, well, it's good that I feel this, it's intellectual humility. I'm aware that there are some gaps. But that doesn't mean I can't learn to fill those gaps. It doesn't mean I can't grow and grow into this space. That's a good frame. Really, and so just going back to something you said earlier as well, before I share a very simple strategy we have for this is two. You mentioned this idea of positive affirmations, I am worthy, I'm enough, I'm successful. What is so interesting is people who really struggle with acceptance, when they use positive affirmations, it makes them feel worse. It makes them feel worse, because if you fundamentally do not feel like you're worthy, and then you're saying to yourself, I'm worthy, I'm worthy.

• 55:31Speaker 03

  You have such loud self criticism that has not been addressed, that it just attacks you, no, you're not. No, you, this is ridiculous, you're stupid for even saying that. And so studies have found that when you struggle with acceptance, when you have very low self-esteem, these can backfire. And that's why, remember at the beginning, I said, when we think self-doubt is this one big thing, we think there's one solution, and then we wonder why it doesn't work. It's because it's not. It is nuanced. So what is a more effective approach? And it's, it's interesting, I saw this meme recently, where you know if someone's struggling with acceptance when you walk into their home, and they have a poster which says, "I'm enough, I'm enough, I'm enough, I'm enough." It's like, well, clearly you struggle with that. So a more effective approach is to, you have a label, which will be, "I'm not enough."

• 56:15Speaker 03

  There'll be a deep scar that you hold, "I'm not enough." You can't replace it with, "I am enough." Your brain knows better. What you need to do is slowly shift the pathway in your brain by being more pragmatic about your label or your affirmation. So instead of, "I'm enough," it would just be, "I'm learning and growing, I'm allowed to make mistakes, and I'm getting better every day." Something like that is much more believable

• 56:39Ed Mylett?

  In the book.

• 56:39Speaker 03

  than jumping into, "I'm enough, I'm going to succeed." No, I have put in the work, I am going to keep putting in the work, and then I will deal with whatever comes my way, and if that is success, great, if it's not, I will learn and I will keep going. Right? So it's, yes, it's not as catchy as, "I'm a success, I'm enough," but these are the tools that we need to actually move forward.

• 57:00Ed Mylett?

  Is it because you, you actually buy in and believe in that?

• 57:02Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 57:02Ed Mylett?

  Yep.

• 57:03Speaker 03

  It's much easier to believe something like that, because you're not fundamentally changing a belief 180.

• 57:07Ed Mylett?

  Yeah.

• 57:08Speaker 03

  You're just shifting it.

• 57:09Ed Mylett?

  That's real work, right?

• 57:09Speaker 03

  And then you do that for enough time, then you shift it again, and then you shift it again, and then slowly over time, you will start to embody that.

• 57:15Ed Mylett?

  It's real work.

• 57:15Speaker 03

  So, let's look at imposter syndrome. Two very simple things. The very first one is to actually just acknowledge you feel like an imposter. Again, don't acknowledge it to everyone. If you're coaching,

• 57:27Ed Mylett?

  Right.

• 57:28Speaker 03

  you know, a former government of a country, you probably don't want to walk in there and the first thing you say is, "Hi, I'm Ed. I don't feel like I belong to be."

• 57:33Ed Mylett?

  I really don't think I can help you.

• 57:34Speaker 03

  But you can share it in safe spaces.

• 57:36Ed Mylett?

  Yep.

• 57:36Speaker 03

  So there's this great story that I have in the book from Jason Segel, I think that's how you pronounce his name, from How I Met Your Mother. And he was kind of the lead of that show. And then he moved into directing. And his first directorial debut for Dispatches from Elsewhere, he said he was so full of anxiety and he felt like an imposter, because when you go from being part of the group to suddenly leading a group, suddenly the dynamics change. So what he did is he brought the crew together and he said, "Hey, everyone, I'm doing this for the first time, there's a lot I don't know. If I do anything that bugs you, let me know, because I want to learn." So he completely owned it and he said the moment he did that, that tension that he felt

• 58:15Ed Mylett?

  So good.

• 58:15Speaker 03

  Completely relaxed. So that's really valuable, just acknowledge it.

• 58:19Ed Mylett?

  It sure is, that's, if you guys are a leader of a company or took a new role at your, where you work, that is a beautiful way, also to ingratiate yourself to the group to some extent as well, right? They're like, hey, I'm rooting for this person.

• 58:31Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 58:31Ed Mylett?

  I wanna work with them.

• 58:32Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 58:33Ed Mylett?

  Yeah, you're right, okay, you're so good.

• 58:35Speaker 03

  Simple, super simple, acknowledge it. The second one is to be really pragmatic, so grab a piece of paper,

• 58:41Ed Mylett?

  Hmm.

• 58:41Speaker 03

  Split it into three columns.

• 58:43Ed Mylett?

  Hmm.

• 58:43Speaker 03

  In the left column, I mean, you need a bit of time to do this, but in the left column, you wanna write down all of, all of the qualities that you have developed over the course of your life and your career. So not your achievements, the qualities.

• 58:54Ed Mylett?

  Hmm.

• 58:55Speaker 03

  Some of them may be hard skills, but generally, we're talking about the determination, the persistence, the grit, the curiosity. Write them all down. Now, in the middle column, you write down all the things that you don't think you have,

• 59:07Ed Mylett?

  Hmm.

• 59:07Speaker 03

  That are making you feel like the imposter. Well, I don't have experience running a country. Well, I don't have experience running a business of this size. I don't have, write them down.

• 59:15Ed Mylett?

  Hmm.

• 59:16Speaker 03

  In your third column, you wanna be matching up the qualities that you wrote down,

• 59:20Ed Mylett?

  Hmm.

• 59:21Speaker 03

  To fill the gaps from what you've identified in the middle. Yes, okay, I haven't run a country, but you know what? I have demonstrated this quality and this attribute and this one in the past, and I can apply them right now to do what I need to do to succeed.

• 59:33Ed Mylett?

  Hmm.

• 59:34Speaker 03

  Yes, I may not have run a business like this, but I have done this and I've done this and I've done this. What you're doing is reminding yourself actively that even if you haven't done anything in the current zone, you've done many other things that give you the, the, what's the word? The permission to be there and then to grow into the role. Really simple story here. So, I'm gonna share two of them. I think your audience will appreciate this, so if you're listening and watching, I hope you enjoy these two. The first one comes from legendary graphic designer, Paula Scher. So when Citibank was merging, or yeah, Citibank was merging with Travelers Insurance.

• 1:00:05Ed Mylett?

  I, I know that merger.

• 1:00:07Speaker 03

  In the nineteen, in nineteen ninety-eight.

• 1:00:08Ed Mylett?

  Okay.

• 1:00:09Speaker 03

  Nineteen ninety-eight, I believe it was.

• 1:00:10Ed Mylett?

  Yeah, okay.

• 1:00:11Speaker 03

  So they were merging and they needed a graphic designer to design the new logo. So they reached out to Paula Scher, who is phenomenal at what she does, graphic design. They bring her in, they're sitting around a boardroom table, they're explaining what they need, and she's listening, and she grabs a napkin, she starts scribbling on the napkin. And then she slides the napkin over and she goes, here's your, here's your logo. Now, the room was stunned. Someone even said, how is it possible that you designed a logo in a matter of seconds? And she sat there with conviction and she said, it was designed in a second and thirty four years. It was designed in a second and every experience that I've had up until this point.

• 1:00:48Ed Mylett?

  Hmm.

• 1:00:49Speaker 03

  And then they ended up paying her one point five million dollars.

• 1:00:51Ed Mylett?

  I love it.

• 1:00:53Speaker 03

  So the beauty of that story, yeah, we all see it everywhere on the Citibank, you know, the little umbrella. It's a beautiful example of how she was demonstrating in that moment that what you see is just, it's not just this, it's actually everything else that I've done to bring me to this point.

• 1:01:08Ed Mylett?

  Outstanding.

• 1:01:09Speaker 03

  Isn't it a beautiful story and a great example of how we need to remind ourselves, even if you're doing something new, okay, actually, this is what brings us to the second story. It's much easier to do that when you're in a space that you know. She was a graphic designer, she had all this experience in graphic design. What if you're stepping into something you have never done? And this is where we learn about Tinker Hatfield and the Nike story.

• 1:01:31Ed Mylett?

  Okay.

• 1:01:31Speaker 03

  So in nineteen eighty-five, Nike is struggling as a business. Stock prices declined, mass layoffs, they are struggling to enter the basketball market. So they host a twenty-four hour shoe design competition internally for their staff because they need fresh talent, they need new ideas, they're desperate. Tinker Hatfield was a young corporate engineer working for Nike. He enters it and he wins. Within twenty-four hours, he's offered a role to join the design team. He's never done design before. He starts in that role and then he starts thinking, okay, well, I don't really know how to design, I've never done this before, but what have I done? Well, I've studied architecture and I remember at architecture school, we learned about this building called the Centre Pompidou in Paris.

• 1:02:15Speaker 03

  And it's like this inside-out building where everything that's usually hidden, the structure, you know, the structural elements, the mechanics, the elevators, they're all on the outside by design. And he thought, that's really cool, what if we did something like that with a shoe? And so he sketches out this design, this sneaker with the Nike swish, and he has this big visible air pocket in the heel to see through the shoe. And that became the Nike Air Max One, this iconic sneaker designed by this young guy who had zero design experience.

• 1:02:45Ed Mylett?

  So good, so good.

• 1:02:46Speaker 03

  Now, it also shows us that even though you don't have experience in a particular space. You still bring with you a different perspective, instincts, ways of looking at things, and other experiences that can actually be even more valuable than if you had been in that space the whole time.

• 1:03:01Ed Mylett?

  That is so good. I wish everyone had did more work on literally listing their attributes, like you said. Because when I've asked people to do it, they can give me a list of a hundred things they do poorly with like, instantaneously, reflexively, "Oh, I'm terrible at that. I can't do this, I know this. My nose is this, my ears are that, da-da-da." And I go, "Okay, well, what are you, what are you great at?" And I watch their, their eyes go up, which they're going to recall. And they're trying to think. They're like, "Well, I guess I'm..." I'm like, "Stop it." There are so many things you bring to bear. You're not going to get through this life very well if you're not aware of what those things are. They should be on the tip of your tongue, the front of your mind. Because that's, that's what you bring to the table, whether it's your experience, your natural giftedness, your talent, et cetera. I love, I think you're brilliant, number one, but I also like that everything is applicable.

• 1:03:44Ed Mylett?

  So I'm going to ask you something I really didn't see in the book, or I missed it. Can I do that?

• 1:03:47Speaker 03

  Yes, can I just share one more thing here? Okay, so we are terribly, remarkably terrible at identifying our strengths and what we do well. It's just a known fact, because we're so close to them that we don't even see them as special.

• 1:03:56Ed Mylett?

  You're exactly right. That's exactly right.

• 1:03:58Speaker 03

  And also, the other thing which relates to Paula's situation is sometimes you've been doing something for so, you've been doing something so well for so long, that because it's not an effort for you, you don't see it as valuable.

• 1:04:09Ed Mylett?

  Rewind, everybody, one minute. That's exactly right. What she's telling you is exactly right. You've lived with these things you're great at so long. You take them for granted. You think everybody else can do it, or it's not that big of a deal. And that is absolutely a lie.

• 1:04:21Speaker 03

  Absolutely a lie. And so what's really valuable here is actually to ask other people. Now, most people will go to others and say, "What are my strengths?" Don't ask this question. Scrap that. When you ask someone, "What are your strengths?", they go into business work mode, and then they struggle and they, they just list generic skills. That's not what you're asking. You want to go to people and say, "When have you seen me at my best?" What was I doing? When have you seen me at my best? I would love to say this is mine, it's not. It come from research that was done, I believe at the University of Michigan. The Center for Positive. I need to get the correct name for this, but they have actually done research and found that this question elicits so much value from other people. Cause they're not trying to identify a strength, they're actually thinking about you in a moment, doing something in particular where you shone.

• 1:05:07Ed Mylett?

  Very good.

• 1:05:08Speaker 03

  And then you ask them to tell you about that experience.

• 1:05:10Ed Mylett?

  You know why, I know probably eighteen times I've said very good. It's because there's so much, and I don't mean to be critical of like our space, whatever this is that we're doing right now.

• 1:05:19Speaker 03

  Whatever this is.

• 1:05:20Ed Mylett?

  It's so generic. It's so repetitive, it's so much the same stuff. It blows me away, quite frankly. What people will pay for when I watch people like that was the most vanilla advice. I mean, it's like.

• 1:05:32Speaker 03

  But it was delivered well.

• 1:05:33Ed Mylett?

  It was delivered well. I just said this to someone the other day, I go, my industry has become people who say absolutely nothing really well. It's, and I, and I don't mean, I guess that sounds negative, but it's like, it's so refreshing to have a conversation where it's like, yeah, by the way, I've been doing this thirty-five years, that's new to me, that's awesome, that's true, I've done that, that works. So I love everything that you're talking about, I'm gonna push you on something, last question. And I mean, come back, because I really feel like I've got through about fifteen percent of what you and I could talk about, so we should do this again at some point when I'm out on your island.

• 1:06:05Ed Mylett?

  Let's just say that you're, cause this is, there's someone listening to this today that's at this stage of their life. They did have some self-confidence or self-trust, they were doing pretty well. And then a disruptive event took place in their life that's altered it. I think of a time in my life where that happened, where I felt like my self-confidence, it was probably not as deep as I thought it was, it was more vulnerable than I thought. But someone's listening to this and they're like, you know, I thought I was pretty special and attractive and I found out my spouse was cheating and or he or she repeatedly told me for five years that I wasn't beautiful anymore, I was overweight, or I thought I was a great entrepreneur and I blew it, I made a mistake, I trusted the wrong person, I lost my business. Or something's happened where they've lost something. And this can cause somebody.

• 1:06:49Ed Mylett?

  To lose themselves. It happened to me once in business when I was very young where I just couldn't get back on my feet, so to speak. I had lost that swagger that I thought at least that I had. So what would you say to somebody who's listening that goes, you know, I thought I was pretty stable at this and pretty good, but then this event happened. You know, something happened. I lost my business. I lost a relationship. I made a, I made a bad call or someone's hurt me. And I'm in this, I gotta get remade state. I'm not sure what to do. What would you say to that person?

• 1:07:17Speaker 03

  Three things.

• 1:07:18Ed Mylett?

  Okay.

• 1:07:19Speaker 03

  First thing to acknowledge, though, is that this undermines your autonomy. When things outside of your control happen to you, it can completely undermine that attribute and then that fuels things and makes you feel powerless and makes you dwell and ruminate. The very first thing to acknowledge is when we're in that state, it's very easy to think, why me? Why did this happen to me? But the more you repeat, why me? The more you are victimizing yourself. Life feels unfair. Things are never going to get better and you're further undermining your autonomy. A simple way to increase your autonomy in the moment is go, okay. What next? What next? It happened. I can't do anything about that. But I control my next step. What next?

• 1:08:02Speaker 03

  What is fascinating is when we're in why me territory, there's more activation in the fear centers, in the amygdala. You feel powerless, but that also makes you pay more attention to everything that's wrong in your life. It's default thinking. When you shift your attention to what next, you're bringing it back to possibility, solution finding. From there, the second step is to write down every, okay, so when we're in the state, the why me state, we tend to go into the land of shoulds. I should have done this. I should have been better. I should have noticed sooner. Or I should be doing this. I should be doing that. Now, Ed, how do you feel when someone says to you, Ed, you should do this?

• 1:08:34Ed Mylett?

  No bueno.

• 1:08:35Speaker 03

  No bueno.

• 1:08:35Ed Mylett?

  Right.

• 1:08:36Speaker 03

  We experience something called reactance, which is this deep resistance. And we become teenagers. No, I'm not doing that. Funny enough, that can happen when we use should on ourselves as well. So instead of should, research shows that there is one switch to change that word should into something else that opens up divergent thinking, makes us more open to solutions and options. It's just a shift from should. To could. Okay, you get a piece of paper and you write down a I could list. All the things that you could do in the moment. They can be big, they can be small. Well, I could do this, I guess I could do that, I could do that. And it just reminds you, hey, there are things you could do. Now, you're not committing to those things, which is also very comforting.

• 1:09:15Ed Mylett?

  Creates possibilities.

• 1:09:15Speaker 03

  The next step is, okay, that's my I could list. What is my I will list? Pick the three smallest things on that. Write them in your I will list and do them. Why is this important? Every very small step that you take rebuilds your autonomy. You're getting a proof point, an evidence piece of, okay, no matter how terrible things are, I can still move forward. I can still do something that changes what's going to happen next. That is incredibly powerful. The final step, or the third piece here, is to make sure that you're around people who believe in you, who are positive. Not the toxic optimists. We're not talking about people who say, chin up, you'll be right. You know, they can sit with you, they can acknowledge that was really tough, but who also believe in your potential.

• 1:09:59Speaker 03

  Because when you are around people who believe in you and what is possible, it's called the Pygmalion effect. You are more likely to live up to those expectations. They shape what you believe is possible for yourself. But if you're around people who have very low expectations for you, and unfortunately for a lot of people, that is your families or your friends, because they see you how they've always seen you, which is maybe how you were before, but you have grown, you're not the same person. And they unknowingly try and keep you the same, which is very difficult when you are trying to grow. You are more likely to live down to their expectations. Now, one other quick tip here. When anyone is on a journey of growth, any kind of growth, you're going to go through a lot of beautiful transformations. And what is something, Ed, that

• 1:10:44Speaker 03

  people very close to you might say when you're going through all these transformations, there's often something that they say that is not necessarily a positive. Any ideas what it might be?

• 1:10:55Ed Mylett?

  You're changing.

• 1:10:56Speaker 03

  You've changed. You've changed. Now, if you struggle with any of these attributes, especially acceptance, your usual response to that is, no, no, no, I haven't, I'm exactly the same. And then you try and prove it to them that you're the same. And then you might do the same things you did before to try and prove that you're the same, so you win back their affection, because then if you do, then... The best response in this moment, because it's never really a positive, like wow, you've changed. It's more, wow, who the heck are you? Why are you faking it?

• 1:11:21Ed Mylett?

  Mm-hmm.

• 1:11:22Speaker 03

  And unfortunately, I had people that I love say this to me because they didn't understand.

• 1:11:26Ed Mylett?

  Sure.

• 1:11:27Speaker 03

  And that was really hard. The best response that we have found when someone says you've changed is three words. Thanks for noticing.

• 1:11:35Ed Mylett?

  Hahaha, that's good.

• 1:11:37Speaker 03

  Thanks for noticing.

• 1:11:38Ed Mylett?

  That's very good.

• 1:11:39Speaker 03

  You are saying so much in only three words. You're saying, yes, change has been a priority for me and I've been working on it.

• 1:11:44Ed Mylett?

  Mm-hmm.

• 1:11:45Speaker 03

  Thank you for noticing that I have been transforming and you instantly flip something that is otherwise a negative into an incredible positive. Not only that, you give them permission to think, oh, okay, so you've been prioritizing change and look at how you've changed. Maybe I can do the same.

• 1:12:00Ed Mylett?

  Very good, very good. You are exceptional.

• 1:12:03Speaker 03

  Thank you, Ed.

• 1:12:03Ed Mylett?

  And this is a, this is an extraordinary conversation, one of the easiest podcasts I've ever done.

• 1:12:09Speaker 03

  Oh, I'm so glad.

• 1:12:09Ed Mylett?

  No, you're a great guest, but your work's exceptional. You're exceptional. You don't need my validation, by the way, because you've got a ton of autonomy.

• 1:12:16Speaker 03

  Well, my lack of acceptance appreciates it.

• 1:12:18Ed Mylett?

  Hahaha, that, that part of the profile, I still, I can still fill in for you. By the way, probably the most beautiful name that's been in the history of the show.

• 1:12:26Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:12:26Ed Mylett?

  Shadé Zari. Did I say that right?

• 1:12:29Speaker 03

  Perfect.

• 1:12:30Ed Mylett?

  Was it perfect?

• 1:12:30Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:12:31Ed Mylett?

  And my favorite singer of all time, so this is great. Her work, you guys, you should just go get the book, Big Trust. Dr. Shadé Zari. And I know that you're gonna wanna go get more of her. I'm going to have you back on the show.

• 1:12:42Speaker 03

  I would love to come back.

• 1:12:43Ed Mylett?

  Even if I have to come to the island. Everybody, one other thing too, for me, to engage with me, make sure you're getting on my email list because we're doing more stuff for the show through email. So go to edmylett.com and submit your email. Make sure you share this episode and make sure you go get a copy of Big Trust. God bless you, everybody. Max out.

• 1:13:08Speaker 04

  Ahora en McDonald's te puedes llevar dos pares de carne, salsa especial y papitas medianas y una bebida por ocho dólares. Así que llévate una Big Mac Extra Value Meal. Solo en McDonald's. Precios y participación pueden variar. El precio de la promoción puede ser más bajo que el precio del mío.

• 1:13:23Speaker 05

  Mr. President, my company told me of the explosion on our rig on October 2nd. Causing massive water displacement and triggering a tsunami. They all heap the blame on me. Tom Cruise is. Digger got us into this mess, and Digger's gonna dig us up. From the director of Birdman and The Ravenhead.

• 1:13:39Speaker 06

  What would happen if I stopped going? You stop, you freeze to death, that's what.

• 1:13:44Speaker 05

  With great power comes great deniability.

• 1:13:47Speaker 06

  I'm not the first daddy.

• 1:13:48Speaker 05

  Digger. See the trailer online. Only in theaters October 2nd. Rated R. Under 17. Not a middle without parent.