Giving Up Is Not an Option: The Motivation You Need to Hear Right Now

This is a message for every new graduate. Whether you’re graduating from college or graduating from a chapter in your life, you need this message today. Your dreams matter, and what happens next is in your hands. You have a flame inside you that represents the way you were meant to show up in this world. Today I’m teaching you how to throw gasoline on that flame. No matter what you're going through in life, your dreams are alive and well, and they are waiting for you to wake up and turn toward them. If you’re not ready for some Mel Robbins inspirational firepower, bookmark this for another day. Because I’m not f’ing around today. Whether you’re ready to make your mark on the world... Or you’re tired of your excuses... Or if you're like Barbara, who you'll meet in this episode, and you've given up on your dreams because they haven’t materialized yet… This may be the most important 50 minutes of your life. I’m going to show you -the three ways you shut down your dreams -why jealousy is actually a good thing -the one question to ask in the morning that will impact the entire rest of your day And if you don’t even remember what it’s like to dream, I’ve got you. This episode includes a free download of an incredibly powerful, science-backed tool that will help you start dreaming again. Xo Mel In this episode, you’ll learn: 3:30: These are the moments that define your life. 9:15: Here’s what happens before every time I reinvent myself and my life. 10:50: My first dream job never left me and eventually led to this podcast. 14:30: Watch for this evidence of your dreams still being alive in your heart. 18:15: The first way you extinguish your dreams. 18:30: The second way you pour a cold bucket of water on your dreams. 18:50: The third way you shut down your dreams. 21:45: The science-backed habit that’s going to help you start dreaming again. 22:40: Here’s a whole bunch of dream examples, if you need ideas! 24:45: What is the Zeigarnik Effect and what does it have to do with your dreams? 26:15: I have a free download for you! 29:30: Here’s where I gave Barbie some serious tough love because I believe in her. 34:30: The one powerful question you’re going to ask yourself every morning. 35:40 On this date, I finally gave myself permission to make my dream happen. 37:50: When times get challenging, you should be doing this. 40:15: Try this exercise to shine a light on the way you limit what’s possible for you. 47:00: All that hard stuff in your life is for a reason. 49:15: Think you’re too old for your dreams? Then you need to hear this. 51:45: Curious about what happened to Barbara? Listen in. Disclaimer

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Mel Robbins?

  This episode is brought to you by SoFi, the everything app for smarter money. Let me ask you something. Is your money working for you? Or is it just sitting there? A lot of us work hard, get paid, and then leave our paycheck in checking. That's an easy habit to change. With SoFi Checking and Savings, you can earn up to 3.8% savings APY for up to six months with no account fees and a cash bonus of up to $400 when you sign up with eligible direct deposit. Terms apply. It takes just minutes to open an account from your phone, and you can organize your savings into vaults for the goals you're working toward. Go to sofi.com/mel to get started. SoFi, get your money right. SoFi Checking and Savings is offered

• 0:45Mel Robbins?

  through SoFi Bank, N.A., member FDIC. To me, self-expression is all about showing the world what's on the inside. That's why I want you to discover Pandora Talsman, a new collection designed to help you express every side of who you are. Featuring meaningful zodiac symbols and personalized jewelry pieces, each design tells a story that's uniquely yours. Pandora Talsman, a new language of self-expression, because every version of you deserves to be seen. Shop new styles in store or online at pandora.net. This podcast is brought to you by Expedia. If you haven't booked your next trip yet, now is the time. Whether you're going to fly across the country or maybe you just want to explore

• 1:29Mel Robbins?

  a cool beach town this summer, Expedia makes it easy. Flights, hotels, vacation rentals, cars, activities, everything you need in one place. That means no jumping between sites, no hassle. And when you bundle, you can save up to 30% with everything you need in one app. Sign in to save savings vary. Expedia, the one place you go to go places. Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to an absolutely heroic episode of the Mel Robbins Podcast.

• 2:04Mel Robbins?

  Ah, it is my favorite time of year. I am such a good mood. What time of year am I talking about? Graduation season. I love graduation season. First of all, do you remember your graduation? You got the robe on, you got the cap on. Maybe you were smart enough to get those braid things that people get that are really smart. Everyone's celebrating you. Your family comes into town. You've finally finished your final exams. You're done. And you've got this casserole of human emotions. You got the sadness. You've got the excitement. It's such a cool moment. I don't know about you, but give me a commencement ceremony and I am a happy camper. First of all, can we talk about the music?

• 2:56Mel Robbins?

  Ah, pomp and circumstance, people, and I feel like I'm going places. I suddenly feel as if I have royal blood in my veins, right? It's so regal. Hmm, hmm hmm hmm. I feel like I need to do something important. I mean, even that song and a robe, you could be wearing a tank top and running shorts underneath and you feel like you've just earned a doctorate. And so the music, it just sets the scene. And my personal favorite part of a graduation ceremony, I bet you can guess it. That's right, the speakers. Whether the speakers are just a recent graduate or it's somebody famous and successful.

• 3:39Mel Robbins?

  You cannot hear a graduation speech and not think about your own life. I can't ever remember attending a graduation and not wanting to sprint out of there and go change everything about my life. And just last weekend, I heard one of the best graduation speeches I think I've ever heard. And the speaker was Kevin Feige. He is the guy that runs Marvel Studios. And you want to know something even cooler? His entire commencement address for USC was superhero themed. How freaking cool is that? Not some generic, here are five takeaways about resilience kind of bullshit. I love this. Failure is never the end of a hero's story.

• 4:23Mel Robbins?

  And it shouldn't be the end of your story either. Second thing, lead with a yes. The world is always gonna say no. Your friends are gonna be critical, your boss is gonna have their own agenda. The world says no, you know what a hero says? A hero says yes. How many times in a superhero movie is there that scene where they're calculating the odds of a mission? And the odds of the mission being successful are one in a trillion. What does a hero say? "We gotta try." What makes you a hero in your life is your ability to say yes. To pick yourself back up. To go for it, even when the odds are against you.

• 5:06Mel Robbins?

  You have to be the hero in your own life. And those moments when you wanna give up, those moments where you think you're about to fail, those moments are what define your life. Failure is never the end of a hero's story. Oftentimes, it's the beginning of one. And that brings me to the episode today. Last year, I met a woman who was about to give up on her dream. See, she had always dreamt of being a touring stand-up comic, and in her wildest dreams, when she allows herself to be the hero of her own life, she's got a series on Netflix. That is what she's been fighting for.

• 5:48Mel Robbins?

  And she had been working hard on this dream for 20 years, and she was about to give up. Throw in the towel, I'm done. But failure is not an option when it comes to your dreams. And luckily for Barbara, she met me right as she was about to give up. And I gave her the coaching session of a lifetime. And what you're about to hear is me picking a woman back up and reminding her that failure is never the end of your story. When you are in the fight of your life to make your dreams come true, you gotta do whatever it takes.

• 6:28Speaker 01

  So I moved back home two years ago.

• 6:35Mel Robbins?

  Where was that?

• 6:36Speaker 01

  South Florida, the same place where...

• 6:38Mel Robbins?

  Okay.

• 6:39Speaker 01

  And I felt so safe and comfortable for the first time in my whole adult life.

• 6:44Mel Robbins?

  You do?

• 6:45Speaker 01

  Yeah, well, no. Not really.

• 6:47Mel Robbins?

  See?

• 6:48Speaker 01

  No.

• 6:53Speaker 01

  I've been an actress since I'm like 18 years old. And it's been effing hard.

• 6:59Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 6:59Speaker 01

  So I started coaching people because I was like... I'm talking about Robbins right now. I love that part too. And I started a pod... I mean, I started directing and editing documentaries and I love it.

• 7:13Speaker 02

  What's wrong?

• 7:15Speaker 01

  I still want to act and...

• 7:19Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 7:21Speaker 01

  I'm 46 years old, so I feel like it's okay to be comfortable and small and...

• 7:27Speaker 02

  Hold on. It's okay to be comfortable? If that's what you want?

• 7:34Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 7:35Speaker 02

  It's not okay to be small. Because that's not what you are. Alright, I'm gonna say that to you. It's okay to be comfortable. It's not okay to be small. Being too small in life. Telling yourself that you should be small. That, "Ah, it's okay, you know, I..." That's the number one issue. Shrinking yourself. You see, I, for the last couple of years, have taught a course about the science of dreaming.

• 8:19Speaker 02

  And not just dreaming, but dreaming big. And dreaming big as a way to create a whole new chapter in your life. A way to tap into your potential. And more than half a million people around the world have taken these courses. And here's the number one thing that I noticed after teaching this course over and over and over again to people around the world. It's that telling yourself that you're small. Putting a lid on your own dreams, on your own potential. Convincing yourself that "meh" is okay. That's the biggest problem. If you're somebody who doesn't know what you want, I guarantee you, it's because you

• 9:03Speaker 02

  do things that make you feel small. And then you tell yourself that's okay. And here's the thing that I'm really worried about. I'm worried about the fact that if you continue to do this, if you continue to tell yourself, "I don't know what I want. I can never have it. I'm 46. I'm only 23, but I'm 63, and I've tried, and it's hard, and it's not gonna work out for me." If you are the one that is against your big dreams in life, that is the reason why you're unhappy. That you are the single biggest, loudest voice for why you can't have what you deserve.

• 9:47Speaker 02

  That is the source of misery. That is the source of feeling lost. And so, we gotta stop that, right now. Because the fact is, I don't care how long you've worked on your dreams, how long you've avoided your dreams, how long you've been scared of your dreams, how long you've downplayed your dreams. Those dreams are still very much alive inside of you. You're not supposed to be small. You're not supposed to be arguing against your dreams. Let other people do that. You're the one who's supposed to have the biggest, and the loudest, and the brightest voice when it comes to the matter of your dreams. You know, it reminds me of this quote that I just love.

• 10:30Speaker 02

  "Let your light shine so bright that other people can find their way out of darkness." You know, if you're not supposed to be small, what are you supposed to be? You are supposed to be this big, beautiful flame. That flame that is burning so bright inside of you as you're marching toward the things that really call to you. That's your self-expression. That's your happiness. That's your creativity. That is a human being that is alive. And for those of you that look at me and that you're like, "Oh my God, Mel, like, you're just so inspiring. You keep reinventing yourself." Every time I reinvent myself, do you know how I do it? It's because I start to realize I'm feeling small.

• 11:13Speaker 02

  I start to realize that I'm feeling a little lost, that I'm feeling the energy drain, that I'm not feeling like a flame burning bright, that I'm full of excuses. And I do this exercise that I'm gonna share with you right now to get me back in touch with that dream that you can never run away from. Because what are you learning from me? Your dreams are meant for you. And they are either going to be something that you pursue that helps you become brighter and more emboldened and more of yourself, or that dream is going to haunt you. I can give you example after example after example of this.

• 11:53Speaker 02

  And when we come back, I'm going to give you an example from my own life.

• 12:00Mel Robbins?

  Are you getting enough omega-3s in your diet? Your heart, brain, and immune system all need omega-3s to function the way they're supposed to. Now, this is backed by tens of thousands of studies, and yet over 80% of Americans are not getting enough omega-3s from food alone. That's why I want to tell you about Nordic Naturals. This is not your typical fish oil. They use high-quality, sustainably sourced ingredients. They test everything for purity and freshness, and get this, it actually tastes good. No gross, ugh, aftertaste, and the worst, no fishy burps, I hate those.

• 12:40Mel Robbins?

  That's why Nordic Naturals is the number one selling omega-3 brand. Use promo code MEL for 15% off your next order at Nordic.com and discover the power of omega-3 with Nordic Naturals. Supplements are not evaluated by the FDA and are not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent diseases. Have you noticed that these days, there's a holiday for everything? So, Ollie went ahead and declared August National Dog Poop Month. Have you ever gone through a phase where you analyze your dog's poops? You know, that one looks healthy, ooh, that one, not so much. If anyone gets being this invested in the quality of their dog's poop, it's Ollie.

• 13:24Mel Robbins?

  They deliver fresh, human-grade food that is gently cooked to maximize your dog's nutrition. In other words, they make sure your dog's poops are 10 out of 10 every time. Ollie's fresh recipes are developed by real chefs with gut-friendly ingredients that support better digestion, energy, skin health, and better poops. This summer, treat your pup to better food and perfect poops. Head to ollie.com Tell them all about your dog and use code MEL to get 70% off your welcome kit when you subscribe today. It's super easy and risk-free with their obsession guarantee. That's O-L-L-I-E dot com slash Mel and enter code MEL to get 70% off your first box. Ollie, feed the obsession.

• 14:07Mel Robbins?

  To me, self-expression is all about showing the world what's on the inside. That's why I want you to discover Pandora Talesman, a new collection designed to help you express every side of who you are. Featuring meaningful zodiac symbols and personalized jewelry pieces, each design tells a story that's uniquely yours. Pandora Talesman, a new language of self-expression, because every version of you deserves to be seen. Shop new styles in store or online at pandora.net. One of the things I'm most proud of here at the Mel Robbins Podcast is that we're constantly growing and hiring new amazing people to join the team. So let me introduce you to our new producer, Matt. Matt, you just moved to Boston, joined our team, furnished

• 14:51Mel Robbins?

  your new apartment with our sponsor, Wayfair. Be honest, how empty was this place when you got the keys?

• 14:58Speaker 03

  It was pretty sad. Like, air mattress on the floor, eating takeout in a lawn chair, sad.

• 15:04Mel Robbins?

  So where did you even start?

• 15:05Speaker 03

  Went straight to Wayfair because I needed everything. Bed frame, couch, area rug, desk, you name it.

• 15:11Mel Robbins?

  How did Wayfair help you feel at home?

• 15:13Speaker 03

  Once I laid out the rug and assembled the couch, I was like, all right, this is home now.

• 15:18Mel Robbins?

  Well, there you have it. More than 20 million verified five-star reviews on Wayfair help shoppers buy with confidence. Plus, Wayfair Rewards members get 5% back on every purchase. Transform your space with pieces that hold up to real life. Join Wayfair Rewards today and get 5% back on every purchase. Head to wayfair.com or shop the Wayfair app for all things home. That's W-A-Y-F-A-I-R dot com.

• 15:48Speaker 02

  So I just was explaining to you that your dreams are something that are going to haunt you if you don't pursue them. So let me give you an example from my own life. In 2007, so we're talking 15 years ago, I got a part-time job on Saturday mornings hosting a local call-in radio show in Boston, Massachusetts. I absolutely loved that radio show, loved it. And from the moment I hosted the first call-in show, I knew, oh my God, this is what I want to do with my life. I just wanted to talk to people every single week about life. And the truth is, I even knew it before. And the reason why I knew it before is because

• 16:33Speaker 02

  I had been a humongous fan of Howard Stern. I mean, I listened to Howard Stern way back in the day when he was like shock jock material before he went through psychotherapy and became really amazing at interviewing people, like back in the really disgusting days. I was a Howard Stern junkie. And there was something about the energy of listening to Howard and everybody on the show that I just felt drawn to it. I could not stop thinking what an amazing thing it would be to be able to do that with your life. And so here I get years later to be on the mic, I'm hosting this show, I absolutely love this show, that

• 17:14Speaker 02

  show ends up growing into a weekday show, I end up winning an award, next thing you know CNN is calling, and I find myself then in 2011, leaving radio and going on to television as a legal analyst for CNN. But here's the thing, radio never left me. Every time Howard Stern would pop up on my dial, I would feel the pull. As podcasting started to happen and become a thing in 2011, 2012, and I started seeing more and more podcasts pop up, I started to feel the pull. What is that pull? It feels like jealousy. It feels like longing. It feels like desire.

• 17:58Speaker 02

  Sometimes it can feel like inferiority, that you get close to your dream and you want it so badly that you literally put up all kinds of reasons to protect yourself from your dreams. So maybe it's the people you're really insecure around. That's my daughter. She has a dream of being a singer-songwriter, of doing stadium tours. Just the other day, you know, I saw that Taylor Swift had just done something that nobody's ever done. She's got all 10 songs on the Billboard 100, Top 10. Freaking unbelievable. And I texted it to my daughter. And you know what she texted back?

• 18:39Speaker 02

  "Please don't send this stuff to me, because I'll never be able to do that." You know what that is? That's somebody who is deeply in touch with their dreams, but they're terrified of them. What I want to explain to you is there is something inside of you, and you know it. There is something meant for you, and you are either so afraid of it that you push it away, or you long for it, like I did. Since 2011, if you watch my TEDx talk, which now has 29 million views, you will notice that in that TEDx talk, I talk about my goal.

• 19:20Speaker 02

  Back in 2011, on that stage, I said, "My goal is to be the number one radio host in the world." So here we are, 11 years later, and we're launching the podcast. And it's taken me 11 years to get closer than ever to the thing. For these past 11 years, have I stopped thinking about the dream? Nope. Have I noticed other people that are pursuing my dream? Yup. Have I felt jealous? Have I felt insecure? Yes, I have. All of those, just like you do. That is evidence that your dream is alive. And what I'm here to tell you is today is the day we're going to stop arguing against

• 20:03Speaker 02

  your dream and we're going to turn toward it and we're going to start fanning it. So I promised you an exercise. Because step one is you have to get honest with yourself and claim what you want. That's step one. I want you to think about your dream. I want you to think about what's calling you. I want you to think about the thing that would be so magical if you could make it happen, but you've been arguing against yourself. And I want you to allow yourself to claim it. And as you sit there and think about the dream in your own life, let's go back to Los Angeles and check in with Barbara.

• 20:47Speaker 02

  Because I'm going to ask her to be honest. And I want you to be honest with yourself as you're listening to Barbara. Because Barbara's all of us. You're going to notice that when I push her to admit that she really does want to move back to LA and try again at this dream of being an actor, she's just scared. Pay attention to the excuses that she makes and how she tries to dismiss how serious I am about this dream of hers.

• 21:19Mel Robbins?

  Maybe you needed to move to South Florida to actually feel and understand in your soul who you are and what you want.

• 21:32Mel Robbins?

  It's a scary thing to admit what you want.

• 21:39Speaker 02

  Because it's true. It might not happen.

• 21:43Speaker 01

  Right. I've come so close to it happening so many times and it hurts so much. It's all so scary. The department is like, "No, don't do that."

• 21:51Speaker 02

  But why is it scary?

• 21:54Speaker 01

  Because I don't want to go into debt and I just want to be at least somewhere. So I thought, "Well, I have this, you know, things are..."

• 22:04Speaker 02

  But here's what I want you to understand. You have not gotten honest with yourself about what you actually want. You're putting all the energy into, "But I don't want to go into debt. But I don't want to do this. But I don't want to do that."

• 22:20Speaker 01

  So then you do that anyway?

• 22:21Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 22:23Speaker 01

  Yes, no, Robert.

• 22:28Speaker 02

  That's the first step. Honesty. And it's very sobering when you get honest. Because for many of us, I mean, look at me. I spent 11 years making excuses for why I couldn't start a podcast. And all those excuses and the dancing around and the, "Oh, brushing it off." And the, "I'm not really that serious about it." It's painful. Your dream isn't painful. Like, she's talking about how scared she is that the dream's not going to turn out? What's actually painful is how much energy you're putting into avoiding what you want and what you deserve. I want to teach you the three big ways that you extinguish the flame inside you and put

• 23:13Speaker 02

  distance between your heart and soul and the dreams that are meant for you. So the first way you're doing this is you downplay your dreams. Anytime you make a joke about your dreams, anytime you're like, "Ah, I'm not that serious about that," you are putting distance between you and your dream and you are extinguishing that flame inside you. It's like taking a bucket of water and dousing the flame. The second way that you do this is you make excuses. "I don't have the money. I can't do it. I don't have the time. I'm too young. I'm too old. I don't know how to do it. I don't know where to start." All of this, every excuse, cold bucket of water on that flame, stop doing it. And the third thing? When Barbara got really honest...

• 23:58Speaker 02

  When you have the moment of reckoning with yourself and you finally claim what you want, it's terrifying. It really is because you allow yourself to feel desire. You allow yourself for just a second to feel possibility. Just imagine how incredible it would be to do a stadium tour and sing your own songs. And when you allow yourself to entertain the fact that that's the dream that's meant

• 24:43Speaker 02

  for you. You allow yourself to stand close to that flame. You allow it to burn a little brighter. And then we get scared. What if it doesn't happen? And you convince yourself that your dream is scary. And your dream isn't scary at all. Your excuses and your fear of it and your joking, that's what's scary. You're so busy saying, "Well, what if it doesn't work out?" You've never even stopped to ask yourself, "What if it does? What if it all works out? What if what's meant for you happens and all you had to do was turn toward it and start

• 25:26Speaker 02

  walking in the direction of your dreams? I mean, what if it does work out?" And so that begs the question, if I can get you believing that, "My God, it might just happen." How do you keep this dream alive? And this is really important, particularly for those of you who say, "Well, I don't know what I want, Mel. I don't know what my dream is." I have a very simple exercise that I have taught to hundreds of thousands of people. It's backed by science. And this is an exercise that is going to help you get back in touch with dreaming. See, I think part of the problem is that we've all gotten into this mode where we don't want to get our expectations up.

• 26:11Speaker 02

  So we put a lid on our own desires. We don't allow ourselves to want what we want. We don't allow ourselves to be in touch with the things that we really long for. And it's the fact that you won't even give yourself permission to dream. That's also making you feel unworthy. And so how are we going to tap back into this dream inside you? How are we going to get your desires flowing freely? How are we going to get you to start to believe that you're worthy of the things that you long for? I'll tell you how. It's very simple. Every single morning, you are going to make a cup of coffee or tea.

• 26:53Speaker 02

  And as part of your morning routine, you are simply going to write down five dreams a day. That's it. Five dreams a day. You are going to make it a habit to claim what you want, if only by writing it on a piece of paper. And having taught this to hundreds of thousands of people, I already know what your questions are going to be. Are they the same things I write down? Are they big things? Are they little things? Are they things that can happen? What are they, Mel? Here's how you're going to do this. Do not overthink it. Sit down. You have a blank piece of paper and just write down five things you want.

• 27:35Speaker 02

  It could be, I want that new Gucci handbag. And you might not be able to pay for groceries right now. It might be, I want my puppy to stop pooping on the living room rug. It might be, I want to be the number one podcast host in the world. It might be, I want to do a stadium tour. I want to write a song that helps heal the world. I want to... Have a wonderful relationship with my mom, who I currently hate. Your dreams are yours. Do not judge them. Do not shrink them.

• 28:11Speaker 02

  This exercise is about clearing out the blockage and the gunk that has blocked the highway between your heart and your soul and what you will give yourself permission to want and desire in your life. Your self doubt, your feeling that you're not worthy, your excuses, your people pleasing, it's all blocking your access to this longing, to this dream within you. And so, we gotta just get the gears turning. Why shouldn't you do a stadium tour? Why shouldn't you have that new Gucci handbag? If that's what you want. You can certainly do the work to get it.

• 28:55Speaker 02

  Why shouldn't you be happy or healthy or heal your cancer? These dreams are there for a reason. We gotta get them out of your head where you bury them with excuses and we gotta get them into the world in real time where you can see them on a piece of paper. Now, reason number one why you're gonna do this. Five dreams a day. They can be the same dreams, they can be different dreams. They can be big dreams, they can be little dreams, they can be thematic, they can be specific stuff, they can be anything you want. We just need to get your dreams and your desires flowing freely without you putting the lid on invalidating or arguing against them. So, there's a second reason why this exercise is so effective.

• 29:40Speaker 02

  And it has to do with something called the Zeigarnik effect. Now, the Zeigarnik effect is a extraordinarily well documented effect in your brain that was first discovered by a Lithuanian psychologist named Bluma Zeigarnik. And she had her first study published about psychology and this theory in 1927. So, this has been around for a long time. And what is the Zeigarnik effect? Well, the Zeigarnik effect is this. Inside of your brain, there is a mental checklist function.

• 30:15Speaker 02

  And whenever something is important to you, your brain is like, oh, ding ding ding, I guess she wants to do a stadium tour. Oh, ding ding ding, I guess she wants to get her cholesterol down. Whenever something's important to you, your brain takes notice. It opens up a mental checklist. And then your brain has this really interesting function where it will now work with you to help remind you of this thing that's important to do. It's like a little to do list in your brain. And the Zeigarnik effect is once your brain knows something is important, and it's important if you keep writing it down, your brain is going to go to work trying to help you get it done. And the Zeigarnik effect is so pronounced that it is used, everybody, in software design.

• 31:00Speaker 02

  Yep, you know how they talk about gamification? You know how you got to fill them out of form? And then all of a sudden, a little reminder pops up that likes, you're 64% complete? Well, that's the Zeigarnik effect. That's this mental checklist thing saying, you're not done yet. You got a little bit more to go. And so this is so effective. And so, again, I'm going to summarize this, and I'm also going to help you. If you go to melrobbins.com/dreambig, melrobbins.com/dreambig. I got a free download for you. Not only are we going to give you some of the key takeaways from this episode, but we're going to give you prompts so that you can print out this free sheet and use it every single morning to write down your five dreams, to tap into the Zeigarnik effect inside your brain to help you keep those dreams alive

• 31:45Speaker 02

  and to help you start letting your desires and your worthiness flow freely through you. Okay, so, we've covered a couple of key topics so far. Your dreams are not a joke. They matter. You've got to claim them. This exercise of writing down five things you want every single morning is going to tap into that superhighway, and it's going to help you build the neuropathways to give yourself permission to want things. It's going to help you tap into this flame inside you that is burning and is begging for you to let it help you. Once you get in touch with this dream, you know what you're going to do? You're gonna do what everybody does.

• 32:30Speaker 02

  You're gonna start arguing against it. You're gonna start making jokes. You're gonna start making excuses. You're gonna start getting afraid. Because once this dream keeps showing up on that piece of paper every morning, once you start to feel the pull of your heart, once you start to notice, as I have for the last eight years, that everybody and their mother has a podcast except for me, you're gonna start to feel the pain of not working toward it. And instead of turning toward our dream, you know what we all do? I'll tell you what we all do after this short break. Because we're gonna go back to LA and pick up this coaching session with Barbara, so that you don't make the same mistake.

• 33:17Mel Robbins?

  Sometimes the hardest part of starting something new is starting, especially when it comes to exercise. That first step out the front door, ooh, that's a big one. So it helps when you're wearing shoes that make it feel easier. That's why I want to tell you about our sponsor, Ultra. Their shoes are designed to make your first step and every step more comfortable. The secret is in the Ultra Fit, which has more room for your toes. And you get comfort, balance, and strength all in one, so you can move more naturally as you run, walk, or train. Whether you're just getting started or already logging serious miles, Ultra Shoes are designed to move with you stride after stride. Shop now at ultrarunning.com and use code MEL10 for 10% off at checkout.

• 34:02Mel Robbins?

  And if you want even more savings and you've got an HSA or FSA account, you can use those pre-tax dollars on Ultra Shoes through TruMed. Just head to tru med.com/ultra to check your eligibility, and it may save you an average of 30%. TruMed is for qualified customers. HSA/FSA tax savings vary. Experience Ultra and stay out there at ultrarunning.com. That's A-L-T-R-A running.com.

• 34:33Mel Robbins?

  What's your favorite kind of vacation? Do you like to do physical stuff and see a bunch of sights? Or do you just, oh my God, just let me lounge by a pool and don't talk to me? Scottsdale, Arizona will let you do it all. And fall is one of the most beautiful times to visit Scottsdale with warm days, cool desert evenings, and endless sunshine. Here are just some of the things you can do in Scottsdale. Visit legendary Old Town Scottsdale with over 100 restaurants, dozens of art galleries, and boutique shopping. Stay at award-winning luxury resorts designed for relaxation. Spend a day at one of Scottsdale's world-class spas. Eat at an award-winning restaurant with unmatched sunsets.

• 35:16Mel Robbins?

  Play championship golf courses surrounded by stunning Sonoran desert landscapes. And top it all off with beautiful desert scenery that instantly helps you disconnect. We spend so much time taking care of everyone else. Scottsdale is where you can finally take care of yourself. Visit unwindinsscottsdale.com to plan your trip this fall. One of the things I'm most proud of here at the Mel Robbins Podcast is that we're constantly growing and hiring new amazing people to join the team. So let me introduce you to our new producer, Matt. Matt, you just moved to Boston, joined our team, furnished your new apartment with our sponsor, Wayfair. Be honest, how empty was this place when you got the keys?

• 35:57Speaker 03

  It was pretty sad. Like, air mattress on the floor, eating takeout in a lawn chair, sad.

• 36:02Mel Robbins?

  So where did you even start?

• 36:04Speaker 03

  Went straight to Wayfair because I needed everything. Bed frame, couch, area rug, desk, you name it.

• 36:09Mel Robbins?

  How did Wayfair help you feel at home?

• 36:12Speaker 03

  Once I laid out the rug and assembled the couch, I was like, all right, this is home now.

• 36:17Mel Robbins?

  Well, there you have it. More than 20 million verified five-star reviews on Wayfair. Helps shoppers buy with confidence. Plus, Wayfair Rewards members get 5% back on every purchase. Transform your space with pieces that hold up to real life. Join Wayfair Rewards today and get 5% back on every purchase. Head to wayfair.com or shop the Wayfair app for all things home. That's W-A-Y-F-A-I-R dot com.

• 36:47Speaker 02

  So we were just talking about the fact that as soon as you get in touch with your dreams, you're gonna do the same thing we all do. You're gonna make excuses, you're gonna make jokes, you're gonna downplay it. That's exactly what our friend Barbara was doing in LA, because she's just like you and me. The second you get close to that thing that you want, you are going to kick up a dust storm of excuses, of jokes. But here's the difference. Barbara had me on her ass that day, and I was not gonna have any of it, because your dreams are not a joke. And so, I got serious with her. And I said, "Okay, so if you're terrified of moving back to LA, do you just wanna stay in South Florida?"

• 37:31Speaker 02

  And you know what she did? She made a joke about that.

• 37:35Speaker 01

  Well, I tried that.

• 37:37Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 37:38Speaker 01

  I actually am like a big fish.

• 37:40Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 37:43Speaker 02

  Yeah, but so, hold on a second. Stop making a joke of this.

• 37:46Speaker 01

  Okay, I'm sorry.

• 37:47Speaker 02

  No, I'm serious. Because this is how you block honesty.

• 37:52Speaker 01

  Yep. Yeah, I'm funny.

• 37:54Speaker 02

  So you're, you are funny. But being unhappy is not funny.

• 37:58Speaker 01

  No, it's really, really, really not. Especially when you have a sister who's like so gonna be happy.

• 38:01Speaker 02

  Yeah, but stop making jokes.

• 38:04Speaker 01

  Sorry, it's so hard not to. You're so amazing. I want to entertain you.

• 38:09Speaker 02

  No, I don't want you to entertain me. I want you to be honest with me. So what do you want? Do you wanna move back to LA and give it another try?

• 38:17Speaker 01

  Yes, and I almost did. And then I was like, "I'm scared."

• 38:20Speaker 02

  So, so this, what you're witnessing here is you, yeah, you're witnessing somebody who is literally trying to extinguish her own flame with jokes.

• 38:37Mel Robbins?

  And you are not having this moment of reckoning with yourself.

• 38:42Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 38:43Mel Robbins?

  I am telling you.

• 38:44Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 38:45Mel Robbins?

  That what you're witnessing, we all do this shit. You maybe do it through excuses, or heaviness, in terms of your emotions, or the pity party, or the, like, for me, always kind of scanning for what's wrong, and if I don't see it out there, I find it in here. Your form of this is jokes. It's how you get attention, it's how you get love, and it has so overtaken you.

• 39:07Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 39:08Mel Robbins?

  That you're not even honest with yourself about what you want. And the second you get honest with yourself, like, this is no joke, like, at the end of this, you die.

• 39:17Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 39:18Mel Robbins?

  And so, you can absolutely be a happy person. You can be big. You can be big in South Florida, or in LA, but you're not gonna do it by making a joke about everything. And it begins with you being serious with yourself. Like, you have to share it here, but what you write in that journal, better be honest.

• 39:41Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 39:42Mel Robbins?

  Because it can't be funny. Like, your dreams are not funny. Your dreams are serious business. And you have within you the ability to literally write it down, and say, "By God, I'm gonna do whatever it takes until this happens." Because here's what would be way worse, everybody. What would be way worse is that you spent the next forty, fifty years wishing you had done it.

• 40:13Mel Robbins?

  Do you hear everybody there? Hmm. I wanna talk to you, because I'm serious about this.

• 40:21Mel Robbins?

  You have to be honest with yourself.

• 40:28Speaker 02

  I do not want you to spend another day wishing you had done it.

• 40:35Speaker 02

  You know, I'm sitting here right now with everybody that is on our team as we're recording this podcast and I'm looking at everybody and, you know, I'm thinking, my God, you know, I'm looking at Cameron and I'm like, she almost went to law school.

• 40:52Speaker 02

  And she felt this flame inside her going, hmm, ah, go in a different direction. She didn't know what to do next. She just knew that something else was meant for her. Thank God she didn't go to law school. Thank God she turned toward that pull. Thank God she fanned the flame. Because here's the one tool you need. This is the only tool you need in order to align with your dreams. Every single day when you wake up, you're going to write down the five dreams. That's a way to get your desires flowing again. That's

• 41:35Speaker 02

  a way to teach yourself how to start dreaming with the lid off. That's a way for you to really start to get yourself in touch with what your mind, body, and spirit are trying to wake you up to and have you pay attention to. The things in your life that make you come alive, that make you grow. You're supposed to walk toward that light. You're not supposed to argue against it. And so every single day, you're going to be working on, okay, I gotta let myself desire things. I gotta give myself permission to want things. Like, I'm allowed to do that. Not only am I allowed to do that, I actually need to. It's part of my life force. And I'm not saying you're just going to sit around and wish for shit

• 42:18Speaker 02

  to happen. You're gonna have to work for it. That's how you get it in life, but you won't get where you're meant to go if you can't even claim what's meant for you. And it is a practice of honesty. It's a practice of giving yourself permission. It's a practice of worthiness. It's a practice of self-love. And so you're going to start there, but let me tell you the simple thing, the simple thing, every single day when you wake up, you can just ask yourself, am I for or against my dream today? Am I for or against my dream?

• 42:55Speaker 02

  It's really that simple. Your dreams are your responsibility. Are you for them today? Or are you against them? There's no middle ground, by the way. Because if you're neutral, you're against. You are either for that dream inside you, or you're against it. So what does that mean? Well, when you're arguing against your dream, guess what? You're not for it. When you're making excuses, are you for it? No. When you are afraid of it happening or not happening, are you for it? No. Being for your dream is, first of all, being in touch with it.

• 43:38Speaker 02

  So simply being in touch with it and claiming it, that's a way to be for it. I remember the day I was for my dream of launching a podcast. It was two years ago on my 52nd birthday. I finally admitted that I hated what I was doing, and I was going to get serious and go for it and start a podcast. That's all it takes. Just claim it. And another way to be for it is to then start seeing reasons why it's all going to work out. It's your dream, so see evidence that it could happen.

• 44:22Speaker 02

  I mean, instead of arguing, "Well, what if it doesn't? What if it does?" See everybody else out there as evidence that it will. In my world, it was people that were launching podcasts. Instead of seeing them as reasons why my flame was out, they had beaten me to it, they had blown out my flame, they had stolen my dream. Bullshit. See them as evidence that, yes, my flame too is going to burn brighter. That they are lights on the path. I said earlier that it is essential when you're going through a challenging time, your dreams matter more than ever then. Because if you give up on your dreams when you're feeling lost, or on autopilot, or you're facing heartbreak,

• 45:03Speaker 02

  you literally give up a lifeline that is part of your DNA. See, your dreams remind you that this challenge is temporary. Your dreams remind you that there's something greater ahead. Your dreams remind you that this moment, it's a blip.

• 45:21Speaker 02

  It's a dot. It's part of the path leading you somewhere that you're meant to go. Your dreams help you through challenging times. So don't give up on them. You've got to double down on them if things are challenging. That's the best time to create something new. That's the best time to tap into that fire inside you. You need that fire at that time. That's why it's there. What if I told you, you're actually not supposed to achieve your dreams? Yep, you're not supposed to achieve your dreams. The reason why I can say that is because your dreams are not a destination. Your dreams are a directional signal.

• 46:03Speaker 02

  Your dreams are like this compass inside you, this GPS system that's hardwired in you. You were born with it. It's like a beacon, a lighthouse out in the future. It's pulling you through your problems towards something greater. It is showing you that there's something awesome to look forward to. It's giving you a reason to have hope, something bigger to believe in. Those dreams pull you through your fears. They make you grow. They push you through your self doubt. That's why they're there. They show you the way. It doesn't matter whether you achieve them or not. What matters is, do you hear the call? Do you fan the flame?

• 46:47Speaker 02

  Do you wake up every day and allow yourself to feel those things that are meant for you? And fan the flame and be the person that is the force, the yes, the loudest voice for them? Doesn't matter what everybody else thinks. Who gives a shit what anybody else thinks, honestly? And if they haven't achieved your dreams, why the fuck are you asking their opinion anyway? They don't know how to get there. And your dreams, by the way, are not meant for somebody else. That's why they don't understand them. And here's another thing that you're doing. You are literally looking for validation from people who can't even cheer their own selves on. Like, how can somebody who's not even pursuing their dreams help or celebrate you as you're trying to pursue yours? See, this comes back to it being your responsibility.

• 47:33Speaker 02

  This is an inside job. And when you really wrap your brain around this, life gets frickin magical. Doesn't mean it's always like roses. Doesn't mean it's gonna be easy as you walk toward those dreams. But there is nothing more fulfilling than waking up every day and knowing that you are the loudest cheerleader that you got. Knowing that you believe that this thing is possible. Knowing that you're the one that's for this, that you're validating the things that are deep inside of you. That is, that is an incredible way to go through life. And so every single day, you're gonna be waking up, you're gonna be writing your five things down. You can go to melrobbins.com/dreambig, because I want you dreaming big.

• 48:18Speaker 02

  I want you dreaming big. In fact, you don't even realize how much you limit yourself. Kathy Heller, who did that live event with me in LA, she has this really amazing thing that she does, that I've heard her do, and I'm gonna share it with you, but this is her idea, so I'm gonna give her credit. I want you to imagine there's a blank check in front of you. Blank check. And you could pay yourself whatever you wanna make this year. Whatever you wanna make this year. Go ahead and write it down on that check. What'd you write?

• 49:03Speaker 02

  Hundred grand? Quarter of a million dollars? Half a million dollars? Million dollars? Who wrote that number? I'll tell you who wrote the number. The lid. Why not five million? Why not 10 million?

• 49:26Speaker 02

  And again, if you can just play with me that your dreams are not meant to be achieved. They're not the destination, they're a directional signal. Maybe you're supposed to write 5 million down because that's going to inspire something in terms of your self-worth. It's going to awaken something. Instead of thinking about what's possible, tap into what's true. You would love that. In fact, you'd be willing to work for that if I could convince you could make it happen. This is a super simple illustration of how you limit what's possible for you. This has nothing to do with money and everything to do with the way that you're thinking.

• 50:09Speaker 02

  And so, the problem is you limit what you claim for yourself because you're thinking about what's possible or what you deserve, instead of tapping into what you actually desire. That's a huge mistake. One of the things that I know that you're probably doing is you're doing what I did in the podcast market. I'm too late. It's going to be too hard. I've never done this before. I'm too far down the road in a different direction. I've already been an accountant, or this is my major, or I've spent seven years with this person, or I've lived here for so long. You're doing the whole like sunk cost thing.

• 50:52Speaker 02

  I spent too much time, too late to change, don't know how to do it. This is a major, major mistake that you're making. And I want you to hear the final thing that I said to Barbara. Because she admitted, she's going to move to LA. She's 46, she's been at it for 25 years. She's going to go back. Because it is way more painful to live a small life knowing you gave up on your dream than to go for it and wake up every day and be for your dream and fan the flame. And maybe it doesn't happen. But what if it does? All I can tell you is waking up every day knowing that you're aligned with this greater

• 51:37Speaker 02

  purpose and drive and calling that's inside you, that's what you're meant to do.

• 51:43Speaker 02

  So let's go back to LA, because I want to leave you with one more thing.

• 51:47Mel Robbins?

  What did you get?

• 51:52Speaker 01

  I got that my sister is very kind.

• 51:54Mel Robbins?

  No jokes, no jokes.

• 51:56Speaker 01

  I'm not, I'm being serious.

• 51:58Mel Robbins?

  No, I want you to talk about you.

• 52:00Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 52:03Speaker 01

  You have to just go for it and not focus so much on what you're afraid of and being comfortable, but just do the thing that scares you.

• 52:15Mel Robbins?

  It's even bigger than that.

• 52:18Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 52:18Mel Robbins?

  So if you wish to be happier, do you know what life gives you? Things that make you sad. You know what happens when you say that you want peace in your life? You want things to be easier? Oh, you know what bubbles to the surface? All the stuff that's broken! And then you have to bring and figure out how to bring peace to this. And so for you, there is something that you needed to do in Florida. So you would get serious about doing the work back here. And that there was something in the breakdown and whatever it is that you want to call it,

• 53:02Mel Robbins?

  that was meant for you because you clearly needed it, to come back here and actually do what you're meant to do. And look, it might take 30 years, but it'll be the best damn Netflix special I have ever seen in my entire life.

• 53:20Speaker 02

  There is no doubt in my mind

• 53:24Speaker 02

  that Barbara is going to move back to LA, and she is going to not only work on those dreams, she's going to achieve them. I cannot wait to turn on Netflix and see her special. And I want to point out something. Did you notice that when I started arguing for her dreams, that's when she got really emotional? You probably heard her choking up when I said, "You're moving back and you're going for it, and it's going to be the best damn Netflix special? It may take you 30 years?" You see, when I argued for it, I convinced her that yes, in fact, it could be real.

• 54:08Speaker 02

  Her emotion tells you, deep down, she believes it too. That's what's available to you. Believing in yourself and your ability to make your dreams come true. So don't you dare listen to this and then spend time writing to me about all your excuses and how great it is for Barbara, but you're old, or you're young, or you don't have money, or this, that, or the other thing. Do you understand that you are capable of so much more than you believe?

• 54:47Speaker 02

  I don't think you realize you're listening to a 54-year-old woman who had been thinking about launching a podcast since 2011. There's not a single excuse you can write to me about that I didn't tell myself, and now here I am as evidence, just four weeks into this thing. If I can reinvent my life and clear out the bullshit that I was arguing against my dreams, if I can get in touch with what's truly calling me and claim it and be honest and turn toward it and chip away at it and figure out how to make it a reality, so can you.

• 55:20Speaker 02

  Do not waste your time writing to me. Turn toward what you want and spend that energy making it happen. And the fact is, absolutely everything that has sucked about your life or where you are right now, you needed, because you needed to experience unhappiness, to realize, I want to be happy. You needed to feel small, to realize that's not what's meant for you. Just consider, every single thing that has happened to you and that is happening right now, is preparing you to go after those dreams of yours.

• 56:03Speaker 02

  Instead of invalidating where you are, embrace that it's been a necessary step and then get on with it. Maybe you needed the breakdown that you're in in order for you to realize, "I fucking deserve to be happy. I'm sick of this shit." That's what happened to me. I had to get so miserable that I realized, "I gotta start fighting for being happy." Maybe you needed that job you didn't like to realize, "You better get serious about creating what you want." Maybe you needed to apply to law school and get there and go, "Oh, my God, I do not want to be like these people. I need to get back into the creative field. This is not what was meant for me." Do not let the fact that you have spent a certain amount of time, or that you're a certain age, or you're already almost done with your major,

• 56:47Speaker 02

  or that you're too early, or too late, or all of that crap invalidate the truth. The truth is, you're right on time. You're having a wake-up call right now, and you're having the wake-up call that I intended for you to have as you listen to me today. Because I want you to realize that your dreams, they are as alive as they have ever been. And if you're starting to go, "Oh, my God, I have been against myself." I hope today is the day you wake up and say, "From this day forward, I'm gonna be for myself. I'm gonna be fanning that flame. I'm gonna be working on these dreams." If you're starting to say, "Wow, I really have put the lid on. I really have stopped allowing myself,

• 57:31Speaker 02

  or giving myself permission to have something incredible happen in my life." If you're having the wake-up call that I intended, good. Now, let me tell you something else. There is no deadline on your dreams, and there is no age at which you're supposed to do this. You can start a business at 18. You can quit the job you had out of college at 24. You can go back to technical school after getting a master's at 31. You can literally adopt a child at the age of 39 when you're single. You can go to nursing school after you've raised your kids and you're 42 years old. You can learn how to teach your first online course at the age of 48. You could become a podcast host at the age of 54. You could get married for the first time at 63.

• 58:16Speaker 02

  You could skydive at 71. You could run your first marathon at 82.

• 58:23Speaker 02

  Your dreams do not disappear. There is no age at when you can't do something, or when you're too early. It's complete bullshit. Your dreams are something you were born with. They are your responsibility, and they are also the life force inside of you. So stop running away from them and turn toward them. Run toward your dreams. Stop arguing against them and be the loudest voice for them. And for crying out loud, stop extinguishing that flame that's burning inside you. Enough with the excuses, enough with the jokes and the downplaying, enough with this fear.

• 59:09Speaker 02

  Your job is to turn toward that flame and freaking fan it. Fan it with all your might.

• 59:19Speaker 02

  That flame inside you is supposed to burn bright. And the only way that that's going to happen is when you are honest with yourself about that thing you've been denying, about that calling that you feel, about the fact that you're meant for more than where you're at right now, that you deserve to be happy, that those dreams are real, and you have within you the ability to chip away at them. And that when you wake up every single day and you write down those five dreams and you see and you hear and you feel the fact that your life has clues, your life is trying to help you.

• 59:57Speaker 02

  Your life is trying to help you become who you're destined to become.

• 1:00:03Speaker 02

  And I'm sure you're wondering, "Whatever happened to Barbara?"

• 1:00:08Speaker 02

  Great question. Since that coaching session that you just heard, she's been busy. She's been busy working on her dreams. She's stopped the excuses and the bullshit that was keeping her from being the hero of her own story. Check this out.

• 1:00:25Speaker 04

  Hey Mel, so I decided to, um...

• 1:00:30Speaker 04

  Create a one woman show. And it's also a musical. I've written four original songs in the show. So I hope you'll come and see it. It was admitted into the Hollywood Fringe Theater Festival. So I'm hoping that we go on tour with it. Thanks for asking.

• 1:00:47Mel Robbins?

  See, failure, it is never the end of your story. And I want you to know something else. I want you to know that your friend Mel Robbins is right here beside you. Every single step of the way. Because I believe in you. I believe in your dreams. And I believe in your ability to make those dreams come true. So five, four, three, two, one. Stop fucking arguing and making excuses and joking and all the other stuff that you're doing that is wasting your time and dishonoring the fact that there is a superhero inside of you and you got some work to do.

• 1:01:25Mel Robbins?

  So get your ass out there, keep fan in those flames and make those dreams come true. Alrighty, I'll see you in a few days.

• 1:01:51Mel Robbins?

  Oh, one more thing. It's the legal language. This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. It is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional.

• 1:02:18Mel Robbins?

  This episode is brought to you by SoFi, the everything app for smarter money. Let me ask you something. Is your money working for you? Or is it just sitting there? A lot of us work hard, get paid, and then leave our paycheck in checking. That's an easy habit to change. With SoFi Checking and Savings, you can earn up to 3.8% savings APY. For up to six months with no account fees and a cash bonus of up to $400 when you sign up with eligible direct deposit. Terms apply. It takes just minutes to open an account from your phone and you can organize your savings into vaults for the goals you're working toward. Go to sofi.com/mal to get started. SoFi, get your money right.

• 1:03:02Mel Robbins?

  SoFi checking and savings is offered through SoFi Bank, N A, member FDIC. Nearly 50 years after Stephen King's Carrie became a cultural phenomenon, Mike Flanagan is reimagining the iconic story for a new generation. Now, the new series honors the legacy of the original Carrie, but it's asking the question, are we watching the origin of a hero, a villain, or something far more complicated? And in this modern social media age, Carrie's new story resonates more than ever. You don't want to miss it. Carrie is streaming October 7th only on Prime Video.