What Percent Gay Are You? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

Check out Hoop and Huddle, YMH Studios' new comedy sports show, hosted by comedians Luke Touma & Nate Marshall. Two friends talking basketball, football, and whatever ruined their weekend. Less "analysts breaks down the tape," more "your boys yelling at the TV." https://www.youtube.com/@UCdaQbXFKAuvKcZcwieo8A6A SPONSORS: Thanks to MANSCAPED® for sponsoring today’s episode! Get The Lawn Mower® Ultra Gen 6 for 15% OFF + Free Shipping with code BEARS at https://Manscaped.com! The DraftKings Sports app is now live in all 50 states! Head to https://dkng.co/bears For simple, online access to personalized and affordable care for Hair Loss, Weight Loss, and more, visit https://hims.com/bears Sign up and get 10% off at https://BetterHelp.com/bears. Get out there and enjoy the outdoors with Mountain Dew. An American Original. Tasting Great Since ’48. Look for Mountain Dew in stores near you. Welcome back to the cave! Hunter Biden says he's 48% gay, which raises the only question that matters: what percent are you? Bert and Tom build the math from zero, clothes, dicks, physiques, saunas, eye patches, a $5,000 face laser, and Bert climbs a lot higher than he expected to. Along the way: why Bert can't watch Sophie Cunningham highlights, the uncomfortable truth about loving Jason Williams, John Stockton's total lack of pizzazz, the hunt for a white DB in the NFL, Bert calling his dad mid-episode to check the family for slave owners (Tom's family does not come out clean), Bert's sister telling him to grow up about his sleep anxiety, Ila volunteering to fight Tom's ten-year-old in the Octagon, the 2:30am Dodger Stadium aftermath, a device that grades your poop, and Bert's full-throated defense of the Philadelphia Eagles' male cheerleader. Plus: this week's Mountain Dew summer sizzle submissions, including one that requires $2.6 million of CGI and one that just shuts Bert up. 2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 339 https://tomsegura.com/tour https://www.bertbertbert.com/tour https://store.ymhstudios.com In Partnership with DraftKings. The Crown Is Yours. Bet with DK Sportsbook: Gambling Problem? Call 1-800-426-2537, 1-800-697-3738. Connecticut: call 888-789-7777, visit https://ccpg.org. On behalf of Boot Hill Casino in Kansas. Bet tax pass-through may apply in Illinois. 21+. Void in Canada. Event contract trading with DraftKings Predictions involves risk of loss. Availability varies. Bet to get Bonus bets that expire in 7 days. Trade to get $50 in Predictions Dollars that expire in 1 year, issued every 7 days via click to claim for 21 days. 1 non-withdrawable reward redeemable. Predictions offer void in New York. Ends July 19th. Terms at https://dkng.co/audio. Chapters 00:00:00 - Intro 00:00:14 - Hunter Biden Says He's 48% Gay 00:06:23 - Clip Farms, Sophie Cunningham, & Jason Williams 00:15:32 - John Stockton, White Boxers & Tim Dwight 00:29:23 - California's Slavery Bill & Bert Calls His Dad 00:34:41 - The Girlfriend, The Sister, & The Fight Challenge 00:42:34 - The Dodgers Game Aftermath & A Whoop For Your Toilet 00:46:11 - Male Cheerleaders, Female Urologists, & Checking Out Men 00:52:38 - Hiding From Lightning With A Grindr Meetup 00:59:05 - Comedian OnlyFans & Ohtani's $17 Million Translator 01:05:44 - Mountain Dew Summer Sizzle Submissions 01:11:34 - Wrap Up Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Speaker 00

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• 0:12Speaker 01

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• 0:13Speaker 00

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• 0:14Speaker 01

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• 0:16Speaker 00

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  Don't miss the two-episode premiere of Marvel Television's Vision Quest. Nothing bonds a family together quite like Mortal Jeopardy. Now streaming only on Disney+.

• 0:30Speaker 00

  Hundred percent.

• 0:35Tom Segura?

  Welcome to another episode of Two Bears One Cave. He's Burt, I'm Tom. Very exciting day. I did not know that Hunter Biden said he's now 48% gay. And what it made me want to discuss with you is what percent gay do you think you are?

• 0:55Speaker 03

  Wow, more than 48, I think.

• 0:57Tom Segura?

  More than 48?

• 0:59Speaker 03

  Probably. I, I, yeah. I mean, I've actually, I actually had this conversation with my daughter this morning, making coffee.

• 1:05Tom Segura?

  This morning you talked about how gay you are?

• 1:07Speaker 03

  This morning I had this conversation with Georgia, yeah.

• 1:10Tom Segura?

  Well, how did it go?

• 1:12Speaker 03

  Yeah, I can't believe you brought this up.

• 1:15Tom Segura?

  How did?

• 1:15Speaker 03

  I told her.

• 1:16Tom Segura?

  Wait, he said this in an interview. Do we have the clip? Like, do we know the?

• 1:20Speaker 03

  Oh, he really, Hunter Biden really said this?

• 1:22Tom Segura?

  This is what I, yeah, I think so. What do you think?

• 1:24Speaker 03

  I thought you just made that up. And it's like a crazy intro.

• 1:27Tom Segura?

  No, I mean, it's real. I just, is this as fascinating? Cause you can, you know, sexuality is fluid. We know that. That's something that's, it's, it's all over the map. People can, can morph and change and have desires change. But I want to know his, what his gayness is, cause this is a new thing.

• 1:46Speaker 03

  Is that what?

• 1:47Tom Segura?

  He's doing the rounds, man. He's doing all the rounds. Is he promoting?

• 1:51Speaker 04

  I am gay.

• 1:52Tom Segura?

  Really? Wow.

• 1:55Speaker 04

  Are you gay?

• 1:56Tom Segura?

  Only, um, only a little bit.

• 1:58Speaker 04

  More or less than 50%?

• 1:59Tom Segura?

  What?

• 2:00Speaker 04

  More or less than 50%?

• 2:03Tom Segura?

  Forty-eight point six.

• 2:05Speaker 04

  Did I hear you're a painter?

• 2:06Tom Segura?

  Okay. Well, that was kind of a jokey answer, though.

• 2:08Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's not.

• 2:09Tom Segura?

  I thought he was being like, you know, like if DeStefano said that, I'd be like, yeah, that's, that's about right.

• 2:14Speaker 03

  Yeah. Remember when Brody said he was, uh, he was, what, what did, what did Brody say? Where's? Red, Red Band would know that. He's, uh,

• 2:28Speaker 03

  what, what, can someone find out what Brody said on Rogan? That was like the funniest clip.

• 2:34Tom Segura?

  About how gay he is?

• 2:35Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 2:36Tom Segura?

  Yeah. So there's funny thing, cause then you think about people you know, right? Like, like DeStefano, of course, we know is probably 63% gay. And then, you know, you said Red Band, I'd say he's about 30%. Tony Hinchcliffe's probably about 77% gay. The Joe Rogan experience. Oh, here you go.

• 2:53Tom Segura?

  Yeah, there's Amish porn.

• 2:55Speaker 03

  Yeah, I don't think they're really Amish. I don't think you're allowed to fuck in front of a camera if you're Amish. I think it steals your soul. Or is that Indians? How's that work?

• 3:02Tom Segura?

  It's such a different Joe back then. That's so funny. It's such a different Joe. Keep going.

• 3:09Tom Segura?

  Oh, is it? Oh.

• 3:11Speaker 03

  That's 44 minutes. Yeah, it's 10% gay.

• 3:13Tom Segura?

  Let's just watch for 44 minutes and see where it is.

• 3:15Speaker 03

  Well, how many views does it have? It might get more than ours. It's good. Let's just wa, let's just play a Rogan episode. I think it would work.

• 3:22Tom Segura?

  And then we'll just be like, so there you go. There's that episode.

• 3:25Speaker 03

  Cut to a Sam and Mark clip, not a fucking Bad Friends, and I think we got an episode.

• 3:31Tom Segura?

  Okay, but back to the subject at hand. So the percentage of gay.

• 3:35Speaker 03

  This is what I said to Georgia.

• 3:36Tom Segura?

  Okay.

• 3:37Speaker 03

  I said, when I was a child, we weren't allowed to explore our sexuality. There was no openness to being gay. There was, it was like, and I, and I, I was saying, I, I was really like, I mean, I, I know I'm straight because that's the thing I like, but I, you know, I got, I didn't always have it easy with women. I never had it easy with women. And I bet if it was like socially acceptable to suck your friends dicks and have your friends suck each other's dicks.

• 4:03Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 4:04Speaker 03

  I would have spitefully gone gay out of my resentment towards women, my fucking shunning. I would have shunned the female community as a whole. And be like, fuck you. You don't want me? I don't want you either. And I would have just fucking sucked my friends dicks.

• 4:20Tom Segura?

  I, I actually believe this about you. And I also feel like there's part of your personality where you're like, whatever, this is fun. Or this is funny. Or like, doesn't it feel good? Like, you don't like it?

• 4:33Speaker 03

  I would have been, yeah. I would have been, I would have been, I would have been a closeted, straight man sucking dudes dicks.

• 4:41Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 4:41Speaker 03

  Secretly wanting to fuck women that didn't want to fuck me.

• 4:44Tom Segura?

  I wonder how many people fall into that category for real, real?

• 4:48Speaker 03

  I guarantee you, there's a ton of lesbians like that. I guarantee you, there's a ton of big looking women that were like, I wish I was more feminine looking. I wish I was what guys wanted. But it turns out I look better in a Jeep with a visor on with a, with a butch chick next to me.

• 5:03Tom Segura?

  And so I'm doing gay shit now.

• 5:05Speaker 03

  So I'm gonna do gay shit. And it's like, I mean, I don't think guys, like soft guys can always get a woman. But I, I mean, I'm telling you, there's a whole swath of the internet that I bet, like, just really spiteful guys, you know, like the kind of guys that comment on, on like Nikki Glaser and Whitney and Natasha and all the guys that comment and they're like, I hope you get raped. Like those, you gotta edit out the R-word.

• 5:30Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 5:31Speaker 03

  But, uh, they're retarded.

• 5:34Tom Segura?

  Okay.

• 5:35Speaker 03

  And, uh, but there's a whole swath of guys like that that I think, I told you, did I tell you my theory about, um, oh, I told it on a podcast. I don't know, I'm not gonna retell it.

• 5:46Tom Segura?

  A lot of guys do hate women, though. You're making a good point.

• 5:48Speaker 03

  A lot of guys, and most of them have fat wives.

• 5:51Tom Segura?

  And then do you feel like you were close to becoming a woman hater because you felt shunned?

• 5:56Speaker 03

  Close to become? I was a misogynist. I was a full-blown, when I met LeAnn, I did not like women. I hated them. I resented them. I resented their beliefs, their thoughts. If you tried to tell me what a woman earned 75%, I would have been like, yeah, it's because we have the fucking jobs where we gotta go underwater welding. You take that fucking job, bitch. Like, I was that.

• 6:23Tom Segura?

  You were that guy.

• 6:24Speaker 03

  I had to go to therapy. LeAnn put me in therapy. She was like, you're a good guy. This is off on you. And I'm telling you, that guy is this close to swallowing cum.

• 6:34Tom Segura?

  Yeah, that's really interesting. That's so true. And I think a lot of incels are like you.

• 6:40Speaker 03

  Dude.

• 6:41Tom Segura?

  Or like that version of you.

• 6:42Speaker 03

  I am so incel adjacent. I am so Reddit adjacent. I can very easily, it's the reason I don't read comments. I, I, is it, I get as moved, I can't watch, I can't watch, I'm gonna tell you a secret. I can't watch Sophie Cunningham videos.

• 7:01Tom Segura?

  The WNBA player?

• 7:03Speaker 03

  Yes, I can't watch them.

• 7:04Tom Segura?

  Why?

• 7:07Speaker 03

  This is gonna get me in trouble.

• 7:09Tom Segura?

  Okay.

• 7:10Speaker 03

  The people that make those clips, those people, so like, just so everyone's clear, the things you watch on the internet aren't the most popular things. They're clip-farmed. Tom and I have hired a clip farm company to help us get more popular. It's how every, every podcaster you've ever known that you're like, well, I love that guy. It's not because he's good, it's because he got clip-farmed. They hired someone for $700,000 a year to clip them out and put them up there. Also, the alt-right does that. The white supremacists do that. They clip farm for their people to up, to bring their, their cause to the front.

• 7:42Tom Segura?

  Wait, we have?

• 7:44Speaker 03

  Yeah, we did, we did. We, we, it was when you were going through the stuff with Christina, we did it behind your back. So.

• 7:49Tom Segura?

  Okay, cool. Okay.

• 7:51Speaker 03

  We just need to be bigger, Tom. And, and listen, here's the deal.

• 7:55Tom Segura?

  Yeah?

• 7:56Speaker 03

  I am almost certain that the Ku Klux Klan has clip-farmed Sophie Cunningham videos to recruit white supremacists.

• 8:09Tom Segura?

  Really?

• 8:10Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 8:10Tom Segura?

  Wait, how? I don't, I don't understand the correlation. She's a beautiful blonde woman?

• 8:13Speaker 03

  She's our queen. She's our queen. She's, she's beautiful. She's gorgeous. She's athletic. She's fun. She's slapping lesbians tits around. Like, she's fun. But she's also beating the fuck out of black women.

• 8:28Speaker 03

  Tom, every highlight reel, hold on, hang on a second. Every highlight reel is not her rebounding or scoring. It's her beating up a black woman. There are no highlight reels, hold on, there's no highlight reels of her ability as a basketball player. It is her fucking up black chicks. And I had to stop watching them because I heard the inner voice, the inner Ku Klux Klan in everyone's head going, yeah, get him, get him, Sophie. And then I went, wait, what am I watching? What am I watching? I'm watching a beautiful girl, a girl that I would want Georgia to be friends with. A girl that I'd want Isla and Georgia to go, dad, have you met our friend Sophie Cunningham? She plays basketball. And I was like, oh, cool.

• 9:07Speaker 03

  She, hey, Sophie, you wanna shoot some hoops with me? And then we go into our backyard and she finds my indigenous neighbor and fucks her up. Like, Sophie Cunningham.

• 9:15Tom Segura?

  Holy shit, man.

• 9:15Speaker 03

  Sophie Cunningham is a recruitment video for the Ku Klux Klan.

• 9:18Tom Segura?

  Do you watch like white star athletes in majority black sports and get excited?

• 9:25Speaker 03

  Jason Williams, Jason Williams.

• 9:27Tom Segura?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 9:28Speaker 03

  Jason Williams, hold on, Jason Williams, I'm gonna, I know this is gonna go to you, and I need you to know, I fucking love you, dude. You and Bob Surra are like my two favorite white guys, okay? I love you guys. I love you guys. Hold on, hold on. This is gonna come out wrong. I hope Jason Williams can please understand what I'm saying, okay?

• 9:43Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 9:45Speaker 03

  And Jason Williams, I love you. I own your jersey when you played for the Kings. That was one of my prized possessions. When I first moved to LA, I rocked a Jason Williams jersey because you played at Florida. You and Randy Moss played together. I love you. I love you, Jason. Please hear what I'm about to say.

• 9:59Tom Segura?

  Okay.

• 10:00Speaker 03

  You're not the best. Like, you're, you're okay. You're a good, you're a good, you're a good basketball player. You're really good. I, maybe you'll make it into the Hall of Fame. I'm not certain. But what happens is they clip him out, and when you see a white boy fucking up black dudes in their sport, as a white guy, it makes your heart skip a beat. You're like, yeah, get some. Come on, baby. That's what I'm talking about. It's like watching, it's like, why, it's like if you saw, uh, this is gonna, I'm not gonna say that because that's bad, but, but it's, it's, and, and you, and I'm, I think that they use those videos, when you see Jason Williams tripping up black dudes, you're like, yeah, get some.

• 10:43Speaker 03

  But on the list of, of, of fucking guys that played his position.

• 10:48Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 10:48Speaker 03

  How many were better? I mean, like, how many black guys? Where is he on that list?

• 10:53Tom Segura?

  Well, here's the thing. It depends, like, when you're talking about basketball, you're talking about an array of skills, right? As a ball handler, he's arguably one of the best, dude. Yes.

• 11:03Speaker 03

  Hold on, now, now qualify that for me. And I, and by the way, I love Jason Williams, but I also love him because I'm white.

• 11:10Speaker 03

  I love him because I'm white, Tom. Like, that's why I love him.

• 11:16Tom Segura?

  I'm Luke Touma.

• 11:17Speaker 05

  I'm Nate Marshall. I'm the social media guy.

• 11:20Tom Segura?

  Check out our new comedy sports show, Hoop and Huddle, presented by YMH Studios. This is Pardon Our Balls.

• 11:52Speaker 05

  Nate, that was perfect.

• 11:56Speaker 05

  I apologize. You alright?

• 12:00Speaker 05

  You good? Alright.

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• 14:12Tom Segura?

  Well, there's a lot of people that just loved, like, just love watching a high-level athlete regardless.

• 14:18Speaker 03

  Stop. If he was light-skinned, would I care?

• 14:21Tom Segura?

  Well, you would. I think his handles were nutty enough. That was kind of the thing, is that, like, he as a ball handler, like, his handles, the way he dribbled, the way he passed, his passing, was top-tier passing, dude, like, across the board.

• 14:37Speaker 03

  Listen, here's my question, and I ask this honestly, and I would love Jason Williams to answer this. On the list of point guards.

• 14:48Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 14:49Speaker 03

  Where does he fall? Like, where does he fall?

• 14:52Tom Segura?

  I think Jason Williams probably has a very, very honest take on where he would rank himself as a point guard.

• 15:02Speaker 03

  Top 50 point guards of all time?

• 15:04Tom Segura?

  Yeah, he would make him, yeah.

• 15:06Speaker 03

  Okay, well, type it in. I mean, we have the internet. I'm sure there's a person that's done this.

• 15:09Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 15:10Speaker 03

  I mean, I loved him, but now I gotta tell you, and please see if you identify with what I'm saying. I loved him because he was white.

• 15:17Tom Segura?

  You loved him because he was white. Do you feel this way about Luka Doncic and?

• 15:22Speaker 03

  No, they're not one of us.

• 15:23Tom Segura?

  Well, because they're European players.

• 15:25Speaker 03

  Yeah, they fucking, they're different, bro.

• 15:27Tom Segura?

  Larry Bird, are you a Bird guy?

• 15:29Speaker 03

  Shut the fuck up. It's like when, come on, man. Come on.

• 15:34Tom Segura?

  Okay.

• 15:35Speaker 03

  I mean, look at Boston, the entire city of Boston only watched basketball because of Larry Bird.

• 15:41Tom Segura?

  Yeah, yeah, they loved.

• 15:42Speaker 03

  The entire fucking city just watched because of Larry fucking Bird.

• 15:46Tom Segura?

  Well, I think.

• 15:48Speaker 03

  How many black guys played on the Celtics that were better? Well, not a lot. Larry Bird was pretty fucking amazing. But what I'm saying is, like, when a white guy does it.

• 15:57Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 15:58Speaker 03

  Look at the, these are the top point guards of all time.

• 16:02Tom Segura?

  I mean, look at Stockton, dude.

• 16:04Speaker 03

  John Stockton, no highlight reel, though.

• 16:06Tom Segura?

  No, he has a highlight reel? What are you talking about?

• 16:08Speaker 03

  It's in black and white, no one wants to watch that shit.

• 16:10Tom Segura?

  No, John Stockton was unbelievable.

• 16:12Speaker 03

  Steve Nash, absolute, they say, across the board.

• 16:16Tom Segura?

  But Stockton, wait, how can we just run by Stockton? Stockton was unfucking real. Durable, everybody who played against him talked about.

• 16:25Speaker 03

  Pull up a John Stockton highlight reel.

• 16:27Tom Segura?

  All he did was dish, man. He would dish it, like, he was.

• 16:29Speaker 03

  Let's see it.

• 16:30Tom Segura?

  Okay, you wanna see it?

• 16:32Speaker 03

  I wanna see it.

• 16:33Tom Segura?

  There's endless highlights.

• 16:34Speaker 03

  Hang on, there's a lot of, hang on, before you pull up the highlight reel, so I do wanna see it. There's a lot of these lunch pail white guys that show up and just dribble like this, right?

• 16:45Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 16:45Speaker 03

  And then two hands, two hands, pass it, and then just do the job. They just do the job. They don't have flair, they have boring haircuts, they have underarm hair, they have back hair. No one wants to watch them because they're not dishy. Now, here's the deal. Now, listen, I've told you already, I fucking love Jason Williams.

• 17:03Tom Segura?

  Well, look.

• 17:04Speaker 03

  But he had pizzazz, he had razzle-dazzle, he had a little, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. He was doing what the black guys did, but with our skin tone.

• 17:12Tom Segura?

  Yeah, I know what you're saying.

• 17:13Speaker 03

  That's what I loved.

• 17:14Tom Segura?

  I know exactly what you're saying. This, but Stockton did not have the same level of flair, but as far as being an unbelievable point guard, he is a top, top-tier point guard, man.

• 17:28Speaker 03

  John Stockton is like, is like, he's like House of Pain or Third Base.

• 17:35Tom Segura?

  Gary Payton, Gary, you'd think Gary Payton, right, the glove? Listen to him talk about John Stockton.

• 17:42Speaker 03

  I don't wanna hear that shit. I wanna see a highlight reel.

• 17:44Tom Segura?

  Okay, then put on a John Stockton highlight reel, dude.

• 17:47Speaker 03

  A lot of bounce passes, a lot of shit coaches high-five before.

• 17:50Tom Segura?

  Dude, come on.

• 17:51Speaker 03

  Let's see John Stockton.

• 17:52Tom Segura?

  Stockton was incredible, man.

• 17:55Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 17:57Tom Segura?

  Dude, that pass is fucking perfect.

• 17:59Speaker 03

  Boring.

• 18:01Tom Segura?

  Dude, he just, he.

• 18:03Speaker 03

  Boring. Look at his haircut. Oh, I also do my taxes.

• 18:06Tom Segura?

  No, his haircut's not great. I will give you the haircut.

• 18:09Speaker 03

  John Stockton doesn't drink and drive.

• 18:12Tom Segura?

  Dude, this is.

• 18:14Speaker 03

  He's an anti-Semitic.

• 18:16Tom Segura?

  What?

• 18:17Speaker 03

  He's anti-vaxxer.

• 18:18Tom Segura?

  Vaxxer, yes.

• 18:20Speaker 03

  Maybe he's an athlete, I understand that. Just a boring pass.

• 18:23Tom Segura?

  That.

• 18:24Speaker 03

  If, let me tell you something, if Jason Williams did that, he would've done one of these numbers. He would've gone, what, huh? Look at that.

• 18:29Tom Segura?

  Yeah, he would've had more flair.

• 18:31Speaker 03

  And then he would've gone like this, like, yeah, baby. I'm kinda black, but not with my haircut.

• 18:37Tom Segura?

  Yeah, he did have a better haircut. I agree. More tats.

• 18:40Speaker 03

  Look at this. Yes, yes, I did it. Yay, yay. I'm John Stockton, golly darn. Golly darn it. I can't wait to have a Hot Pocket when I get home.

• 18:50Tom Segura?

  Okay, let's watch some more Stockton here.

• 18:52Speaker 03

  John Stockton, and here we go. I'll just do a layup.

• 18:57Tom Segura?

  What do you want him to do?

• 18:58Speaker 03

  Boring. I bet, I bet if I played one-on-one with John Stockton, no one would watch. Now, I bet if I played one-on-one with Jason Williams, people would tune the fuck in and be like, I wanna see him cross up this fat white dude.

• 19:11Tom Segura?

  Yeah, that part's true, but John Stockton.

• 19:14Speaker 03

  John Stockton, listen, man, obviously, please, the people that are losing their mind.

• 19:19Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 19:20Speaker 03

  My job in here is to argue a crazy point. I'm a comedian, but I will stand my fucking ground.

• 19:27Tom Segura?

  Yes.

• 19:27Speaker 03

  If I played John Stockton, he would just dribble past me and do a layup, and then dribble past me and do a layup, and then go to the fucking three-point line and shoot a very solid.

• 19:37Tom Segura?

  Right. You want more excitement.

• 19:39Speaker 03

  Coaches loved working with John Stockton.

• 19:42Tom Segura?

  Yeah, yeah, I know what you're saying.

• 19:43Speaker 03

  Do you know what coaches said when fucking Jason Williams stepped on the court? I gotta fucking reel this kid in. I'm gonna break him like a stallion. None of that, none of that bullshit. This isn't a playground, Jason. And he's like, alright, brah, alright, brah, alright, brah, sure, brah.

• 20:01Speaker 03

  And then the black dude's like, damn, white chocolate? And it's like, his name is Jason. Shut the fuck up, coach.

• 20:06Tom Segura?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I know what you're saying. You want, yeah.

• 20:10Speaker 03

  Ultimately, ultimately, what I'm explaining is.

• 20:14Tom Segura?

  What percentage?

• 20:15Speaker 03

  Richie Patton, Richie Patton.

• 20:17Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 20:17Speaker 03

  Richie Patton.

• 20:19Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 20:20Speaker 03

  Remember that guy, the Irish boxer? He was okay. Now, could he fuck me up? 100%. But he was white, and so in a weird way, it tickles your inner fucking racist, and you go, it's one of our guys doing it.

• 20:34Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 20:35Speaker 03

  Ricky Hatton, my bad, sorry. But Ricky Hatton, great boxer. Mickey Ward, great boxer. Is he Floyd Mayweather? No. But do white people, sometimes, sometimes, this is what I'm talking about. Do they watch Floyd Mayweather and they get outraged that he's carrying around a fucking Louis Vuitton bag of a million dollars?

• 20:54Tom Segura?

  Hold on, this gets to the point of, like, what position in sports that a white guy can do that is normally not white is the most, like, oh, my God, right? So boxing is one. In basketball, it's almost any position, but.

• 21:13Speaker 03

  Point guard. No one wants to see a white center.

• 21:17Tom Segura?

  Yeah, no, no, I'm saying, but if a white center were like that, like, if he had that level of play, you'd be like. So I think the position that is the most holy shit in our major sports is a white guy in secondary, like, a white corner or punt returner. There's like.

• 21:36Speaker 03

  A white punt returner, a white DB? Shut the fuck up.

• 21:40Tom Segura?

  DB even more, more rare than receiver, because there's a few, which is always like, oh, wow, there's a white receiver. But a white DB, are there any white DBs, starting white DBs in the NFL? I, look that up.

• 21:54Speaker 03

  Riley Moss.

• 21:55Tom Segura?

  Who?

• 21:56Speaker 03

  Riley Moss.

• 21:57Tom Segura?

  Why aren't you typing?

• 21:59Speaker 03

  Because I don't have a computer.

• 22:01Tom Segura?

  Not you.

• 22:01Speaker 03

  Oh.

• 22:03Tom Segura?

  Oh, yeah. Cooper DeJean, yeah. And he can dunk.

• 22:08Speaker 03

  Cooper DeJean.

• 22:09Tom Segura?

  Yeah, he can dunk.

• 22:11Speaker 03

  Yeah. Dude, there's something about us whites where we've dominated so much.

• 22:18Tom Segura?

  There was another, this says.

• 22:20Speaker 03

  Glad you cut me off. I'm glad you cut me off.

• 22:22Tom Segura?

  A unanimous All-American at Iowa. There was a punt returner at Iowa. Was it Curtis that would take back punts? And every time you were like, how is this white kid doing this?

• 22:35Speaker 03

  Yes, dude.

• 22:36Tom Segura?

  He was a white historical great. Look, they have, like, a special category for white safeties and corners.

• 22:44Tom Segura?

  There was a, that's not who I'm thinking of.

• 22:47Speaker 03

  They have, they have a, they have a category for white punt returners.

• 22:50Tom Segura?

  Look, it, go back one, where you were before.

• 22:55Tom Segura?

  Before that.

• 22:57Tom Segura?

  Greatest historic Harrison Smith, multi, multi-time Pro Bowler, All-Pro, Eric Weddell, John Lynch, of cour-, Jason Sehorn. Sehorn was-

• 23:07Speaker 03

  Jason Sehorn.

• 23:08Tom Segura?

  Was notable because he would take back kicks, like kickoff's. You'd never have white kickoff returners.

• 23:14Speaker 03

  Jason Sehorn and I- Jason Sehorn and I are Eskimo brothers.

• 23:18Tom Segura?

  Are you really?

• 23:19Speaker 03

  If you've count French kissing, it's Eskimo brothers.

• 23:21Tom Segura?

  Oh, okay. Leanne?

• 23:23Speaker 03

  No, no, I wish.

• 23:25Tom Segura?

  Yeah, that'd be cool.

• 23:26Speaker 03

  His first wife, I, I dated her when she was like, young. And we just French, we French'd.

• 23:32Tom Segura?

  Yeah, he was a fucking, this guy was-

• 23:34Speaker 03

  And then he married Angie Harmon. Angie Harmon is one hot fucking woman. Cool, I sat in, I sat near her on a plane one time.

• 23:42Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 23:43Speaker 03

  Incredible calves, incredible forearms, great fingers, beautiful jawline, great hair. Everything about that woman's perfect. Look at her, look at her fucking angles.

• 23:53Tom Segura?

  Yeah, that's great. She's gorgeous. She's gorgeous. Wait, I gotta look at-

• 23:57Speaker 03

  His first wife's gorgeous too.

• 23:59Tom Segura?

  Who's the Iowa punt returner, Tim? Tim something? Is it Tim Kur-, am I saying that now?

• 24:06Speaker 03

  Tim Curry died.

• 24:07Tom Segura?

  No, not him. Punt returner, Tim?

• 24:13Speaker 03

  Tim, Tim Tam?

• 24:14Tom Segura?

  Tim Dwight.

• 24:15Speaker 03

  Tim Dwight.

• 24:17Tom Segura?

  Tim Dwight-

• 24:18Speaker 03

  Look at his fucking profile picture. He's got a bag of coke and a fucking-

• 24:22Tom Segura?

  He's in a Boeing C-17 there? All right, type in Tim Dwight punt returns.

• 24:29Speaker 03

  That's him, it's, it's wide receiver, that was him, cause Tom.

• 24:31Tom Segura?

  I know, I know, that, now we're looking it up. Like, this dude, I'm telling you, when you were like, cause I'm like in middle school or something, or high school watching this, and I'm like, we still got it, you know? Tearing up. Just kinda, and this looks like it's from like 1940 something, but this dude on Saturdays was dangerous, bro.

• 24:54Speaker 03

  Dude.

• 24:55Tom Segura?

  You never saw white guys taking back punts like this. There was another guy too at Notre Dame.

• 25:01Speaker 03

  But hold on, let me ask you this. Like, let's get meta about this. Cause I hate to say this, but you 100% are exactly who I'm talking about. When I say, white guys love watching a white guy almost get accepted or equal black guys at their game.

• 25:20Tom Segura?

  Yeah, like, like this right here. Oh, and there's Tom Bakowski, yeah, yeah. Yes, yes, exactly.

• 25:24Speaker 03

  You love that, I love that, but it is a weird thing that, that it's, it's almost like, it, it could be used as a Ku Klux Klan recruitment video.

• 25:34Tom Segura?

  I didn't, I didn't think it was that, but I know, I know what you're saying, because it makes the whites go like, oh, like, we have one.

• 25:43Speaker 03

  Yeah, we have, we can do it all.

• 25:45Tom Segura?

  Yeah, we, we, we're ha-, we have a representative in your sport. It's like, it makes you feel accept-, it's like how people get accepted about Eminem rapping, right?

• 25:54Speaker 03

  Eminem.

• 25:55Tom Segura?

  Yes.

• 25:56Speaker 03

  And now, now, now is Eminem the greatest rapper of all time?

• 26:01Tom Segura?

  Well, it's a funny one, because a lot of people, a lot of people in hip-hop will be like, hey, you're crazy if you say no. Like, they'll, they'll give him credit, they'll just like, he's not a, he's not what you hear at the club. He's not what you hear, the, the argument is like, he'll, he's not what people are bumping in their, in their car in the hood, right? So like, you, you, they remove him from the argument, but a lot of, a lot of people in hip-hop will go like, nobody wants to battle this guy, still. They're like, he is still such an incredible MC, but it is a funny one to bring up, because a lot of people will make the, the argument, like, one way or the other, that like, he's

• 26:43Tom Segura?

  not the club jam, he's not what people are playing in their car, but also, who has more skills in this guy? Who wants to battle this guy? And it's usually like, not, not a lot of people.

• 26:54Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 26:55Tom Segura?

  Not a lot of people. So yeah, it's a valid argument.

• 26:57Speaker 03

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• 27:03Speaker 03

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• 27:46Speaker 03

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• 28:29Speaker 03

  The idea of feeling better is interesting to me, because in different points in my life, it's changed. Now, if you had asked me and I had not been in therapy, would've remained the same the entire time. Have fun, throw parties, go on the road, make money, have a happy family, throw parties, go on the road, make money. As I get older, I learn more about myself, it's because of therapy. Now, I would've never said this a million years ago, better means a little more structure in my life. Wow, I can't believe I'm saying that, I learned that in therapy. Better is a feeling defined by you, and for BetterHelp, it's a BetterHelp therapist who really gets you.

• 29:10Speaker 03

  It's a focus on global emotional wellbeing with thousands of therapists and millions of members in over 100 countries. It's progress, and it's getting better at putting a little more structure in my life. I grew up with chaos.

• 29:25Speaker 03

  Chaos is the reason I have panic attacks. I would love a little more structure, not a ton, just a little bit. Sign up and get 10% off at betterhelp.com/bears. That's better, H-E-L-P.com/bears. Yeah, I just wanna say once again, I love Jason Williams, and I love Sophie Cunningham, and I love Eminem. I just, I gotta tell you-

• 29:45Tom Segura?

  You love your white pride.

• 29:46Speaker 03

  Sometimes I don't like, I don't like the way the internet uses them.

• 29:50Tom Segura?

  Well, you know, I think you're in a little bit of an interesting position talking about this also because of that new California bill. As a guy who, you live in California, you conduct business there, and they're forcing people now to disclose their slavery ties. And that's gonna be, I think, something that you're gonna have to deal with.

• 30:09Speaker 03

  Ooh.

• 30:10Tom Segura?

  What were the Kreishers up to back in the 1830s, you know?

• 30:19Tom Segura?

  Right?

• 30:20Speaker 03

  1830s.

• 30:21Tom Segura?

  What were the Kreishers doing?

• 30:24Speaker 03

  You know, I can find out.

• 30:26Tom Segura?

  Really?

• 30:26Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 30:27Tom Segura?

  Can you ask your dad if his family owned slaves?

• 30:29Speaker 03

  Call him right now. I'm not gonna ask him that.

• 30:32Tom Segura?

  Oh, how?

• 30:33Speaker 03

  Hey dad, did we own slaves?

• 30:35Tom Segura?

  Did, just say, did Peepaw own a slave?

• 30:37Speaker 03

  No, shut the fuck up, let me handle this.

• 30:41Tom Segura?

  Did Papa own slaves?

• 30:43Speaker 03

  Stop talking.

• 30:50Tom Segura?

  Okay. Telephone number.

• 30:51Speaker 03

  Uh, he, he's got a, he's got a lineage, he knows when we came to the country.

• 30:56Tom Segura?

  He does?

• 30:56Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 30:57Tom Segura?

  I do too, actually, okay.

• 30:59Speaker 03

  I don't think we ca-, I'll, I'll find out. Hey dad? Hello? Hey dad, when, when did, when did our family come to the United States?

• 31:09Speaker 03

  In the crises? Yeah. Eighteen, uh, probably eighteen, mid eighteen, since eighteen hundreds. Can we get like a real number on that? Well, my grandfather was born in, uh, 1896.

• 31:26Speaker 03

  In New York. And then I think, I think his parents came here from Germany. Nice. Awesome. Thank you, Dad. Okay, you're welcome. We are clean, Tom. No slaves.

• 31:38Tom Segura?

  I gotta tell you something, not the same in my family.

• 31:46Tom Segura?

  We came in the seventeen forties to Louisiana and we had quite the collection.

• 31:52Speaker 03

  Louisiana.

• 31:55Tom Segura?

  Yeah, yeah, they weren't, they weren't good guys that came over. We learned about that.

• 32:00Speaker 03

  Really?

• 32:01Tom Segura?

  Yeah, the first guy that came over, Francisco, came over from Malaga, from Andalucia, Spain, uh, to Louisiana with a bunch of other spics and they, uh, partook in the free labor that was available at the time. And they made a good living for themselves, which is usually not when you were a good dude.

• 32:21Speaker 03

  Yeah, dude, the way you collect cars. Can you imagine your slavery collection?

• 32:25Tom Segura?

  Oh, my God.

• 32:26Speaker 03

  You would have a separate garage for your slaves.

• 32:29Tom Segura?

  What a horrible but accurate analogy.

• 32:34Speaker 03

  Wait, do you see how fast this one is?

• 32:36Tom Segura?

  Oh, my God. Jesus. Yeah, they were, um, they were not good, good dudes back then. But you know what we got away from is what percentage gay are you?

• 32:49Speaker 03

  No, okay, so I feel like.

• 32:52Tom Segura?

  I'll tell you this first. So for me, right, you start, you have to start, you start by going, I'm zero percent. And then you start to like add things up, right? I like clothes, so right there, you gotta give me ten percent. I like clothes.

• 33:05Speaker 03

  All right, I don't like clothes, so you take away ten, go.

• 33:08Tom Segura?

  I like talking about dicks.

• 33:09Speaker 03

  I love talking about dicks. Put another ten in.

• 33:13Speaker 03

  I love, if a guy, if a guy said to me casually at a bar that I did not know, would you like to see a picture of my dick? I'd go a hundred percent.

• 33:20Tom Segura?

  A hundred percent, always. And if anybody ever even says the word dick, I'll be like, which, who are you talking, what, are you talking about it now? What, mine, yours?

• 33:28Speaker 03

  If it was socially acceptable to look at other dudes dicks at the fucking urinal, I would.

• 33:33Tom Segura?

  Every time.

• 33:33Speaker 03

  Every, every time.

• 33:35Tom Segura?

  I even catch myself volunteering information I know about famous dicks and people are like, well, that's, you know, a lot about.

• 33:41Speaker 03

  Jim Norton's got a huge dick. I saw it at the urinal on accident. When we were in Last Comic Standing two, and I think about it a lot.

• 33:49Tom Segura?

  Wow, yeah.

• 33:50Speaker 03

  That was twenty years ago. That was twenty-two years ago.

• 33:53Tom Segura?

  It's fun to talk about. So ten percent there, right?

• 33:57Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 33:59Tom Segura?

  What else? What is, um?

• 34:01Speaker 03

  How much do you like women?

• 34:03Tom Segura?

  I like women. I like women a lot, yeah.

• 34:05Speaker 03

  Oh, no, no, no, no, not just like the physicality of them. Yeah, I'm in. But like, but like when a woman, okay, here, okay, you ready for this?

• 34:13Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 34:13Speaker 03

  Let's break this down, because this is going, this went viral online yesterday.

• 34:17Tom Segura?

  You're talking about like hanging out with either.

• 34:19Speaker 03

  No, no, no, no, no. How much can you accept?

• 34:21Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 34:22Speaker 03

  A flaw in a woman? Like, could you date a woman that was riddled with stretch marks?

• 34:26Tom Segura?

  Oh, I see, I see. Yeah.

• 34:28Speaker 03

  Like, I could. I find the, the, for lack of better words, the flaw. And I won't say flaw because I'm attracted to them.

• 34:37Tom Segura?

  I know what you're saying.

• 34:38Speaker 03

  Things that Leanne's insecure about actually turn me on, so I.

• 34:42Tom Segura?

  Say that that's something that applies to you about women. I think that applies to you about Leanne. You just.

• 34:50Speaker 03

  No, no, it's, it's, it's, we, I had another friend who I, who I had something go on. And I remember saying, I, I like it. I don't, it doesn't bother me. And then she was like, yeah, but you're broken. You like flaws in people. And I was like, oh, really?

• 35:04Tom Segura?

  Hmm, maybe. I like that stuff too, though. I find that attractive. Yeah, perfection is not like the most.

• 35:11Speaker 03

  Like, I could totally, could you date a girl with one leg?

• 35:14Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 35:15Speaker 03

  Yeah, me too. I'd almost like it more.

• 35:18Tom Segura?

  Yeah. Do you ever date somebody with a disability?

• 35:21Speaker 03

  Does cerebral palsy count?

• 35:23Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 35:24Speaker 03

  Yeah, I dated her.

• 35:26Tom Segura?

  Really?

• 35:27Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah. Got a blowjob and everything.

• 35:30Tom Segura?

  No shit?

• 35:31Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 35:33Tom Segura?

  How long did you date her for?

• 35:35Speaker 03

  Uh, on and off, like, uh,

• 35:39Speaker 03

  uh, probably, it's like a few weeks, you know, I guess. I don't remember. It was a long time ago.

• 35:45Tom Segura?

  Like severe, you didn't know she had it?

• 35:47Speaker 03

  I didn't know she had it because I was drinking a lot, so I couldn't really tell. Because we were both stumbling and both of us were like a little

• 35:56Speaker 03

  debilitated. And then my buddy, Tony Hernandez, shout out to Tony Hernandez, who makes all my TV shows, he was like, I think you need to go out with her in the light. And I was like, what? I thought she was a dude. I was like, wait, what? And he was like, dude, there's something off with your chick. I was like, you're just jealous. She was so beautiful, Tom. So she looked like Sarah Michelle Geller, but hotter.

• 36:18Tom Segura?

  And, and she had some, like, notable cerebral.

• 36:21Speaker 03

  Done, very notable. Like, when I was sober, I was like, Jesus Christ, how did I not see this? Like.

• 36:25Tom Segura?

  But did you love her more because of it, or were you?

• 36:27Speaker 03

  I did, I did, I was like.

• 36:29Tom Segura?

  You found it endearing?

• 36:30Speaker 03

  Well, I know, uh, I kind of celebrated me because I was like.

• 36:34Tom Segura?

  You're like, I'm a good guy.

• 36:35Speaker 03

  I'm a good guy. I was like, nice, look at me, I'm not leaving.

• 36:38Tom Segura?

  I could see you, dude.

• 36:39Speaker 03

  I liked her more because it made me feel better about myself.

• 36:42Tom Segura?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 36:43Speaker 03

  I wonder what she's doing. There's no way she's still alive.

• 36:46Tom Segura?

  Yeah. Why?

• 36:48Speaker 03

  I don't know. I just think that about people.

• 36:52Tom Segura?

  That they're dead?

• 36:53Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 36:53Tom Segura?

  Okay.

• 36:54Speaker 03

  There's a chick I told a story about on this podcast and, uh, and I was like, I was like, maybe I shouldn't tell this. I mean, maybe they'll get upset or the people that are involved get upset. I was calling her a liar. And then I just casually was like, oh, she's probably dead. And Leanne's like, why? And I was like, I don't know. She's probably.

• 37:12Tom Segura?

  Probably. Is she?

• 37:13Speaker 03

  I don't know. I can find out. I'll look for her on Instagram.

• 37:16Tom Segura?

  Call your dad.

• 37:17Speaker 03

  It's dead. I can find out real quick. Watch this.

• 37:21Tom Segura?

  Did you tell your dad that you dated a girl with cerebral palsy?

• 37:23Speaker 03

  No.

• 37:25Tom Segura?

  Why would he have said?

• 37:26Speaker 03

  He wouldn't, he would just be like, what? God damn it, is this one of your fucking stories?

• 37:32Speaker 03

  Do you know what, do you know what, do you know what, uh, I'll tell you if she's dead or not, real quick.

• 37:44Speaker 03

  Nope, she's alive.

• 37:45Tom Segura?

  She's alive. Awesome, man.

• 37:47Speaker 03

  Jesus Christ. Oh, wow, she looks good, too.

• 37:50Tom Segura?

  Is this, which one is this? The one with cerebral palsy or the other one?

• 37:53Speaker 03

  No, it's a chick, uh, it's kind of, it's kind of a shitty story.

• 37:57Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 37:58Speaker 03

  I told her, I had to call a lawyer before I told it because it's kind of, uh, I was like nervous and then the lawyer did research and he's like, no, you're good telling it. Um, uh, no, I, I, Cotty listened to our episode from last week. My sister, we were at a Dodgers game. She goes, uh, so I heard you talking to Tom about, uh, your sleep anxiety. And I was like, yeah. She goes, you have a hard time going to sleep, do you? And I was like, yeah. She's like, and I go, it's because, you know, we didn't have a bedtime growing up. No one like tucked us in. And Cotty takes a sip of her drink and goes, grow the fuck up. She goes, you're a fifty-three-year-old millionaire and you're having a hard time going to sleep?

• 38:42Speaker 03

  You're in therapy? She goes, god damn it, fuck off. She goes, people have real problems and you're in therapy? You're paying to talk to someone about your bedtime as a child?

• 38:53Tom Segura?

  I mean, I don't know. I kind of, I kind of side with you on that.

• 38:58Speaker 03

  Thank you.

• 38:59Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 38:59Speaker 03

  Because I'm like, what am I paying? Therapy? Like, I go, you're supposed to unpack this shit.

• 39:04Tom Segura?

  You gotta, you're never gonna get over it that route. You're gonna get through it by talking it out. I think you should talk it out.

• 39:11Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Uh, a lot of therapy could be, there should be someone just in the side of therapy like Joey Diaz going, grow the fuck up.

• 39:19Tom Segura?

  Right, that's a very Diaz approach to it.

• 39:21Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 39:21Tom Segura?

  Hold your dick and fucking eat a three hundred thousand milligrams dog. You'll sleep fine. You're like, okay, thank you.

• 39:28Speaker 03

  And then Isla said, uh, I said, she goes, hey, did you say I would fight Tom's son?

• 39:39Speaker 03

  And I was like, I might have said, I might have suggested that you guys fight.

• 39:43Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 39:44Speaker 03

  And she goes, just so that you know, let him know, I'll pedal to the metal him.

• 39:51Speaker 03

  I was like, what? She goes, Dad, I will body a ten-year-old.

• 39:55Tom Segura?

  He would be so angry, so angry if I told him that.

• 40:00Speaker 03

  She goes, Dad, I would fucking ragdoll him. I would fucking own him. Tap, snap, and then nap. I would put him to bed. And I went, are you fucking serious?

• 40:09Tom Segura?

  I don't even want to tell him this because I don't want to see how fucking upset it makes him.

• 40:14Speaker 03

  I said to her, I said, what's your price point for a YMH livestream in the octagon, you and Ellis?

• 40:23Speaker 03

  How fucking fun would that be? Can I tell you what's beautiful about that, right?

• 40:27Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 40:27Speaker 03

  So like most, most guys, when they fight a woman, they don't want to beat them up too bad. Because they've been taught not to hit a woman and they've seen it online and stuff.

• 40:36Tom Segura?

  Just saw some guy doing it.

• 40:37Speaker 03

  But at ten years old, you don't know that yet. You're like, fuck this, she's a fucking, a threat to me.

• 40:44Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 40:45Speaker 03

  So he would go full fucking bore after her.

• 40:49Tom Segura?

  Oh, yeah.

• 40:50Speaker 03

  She would go for, it's the fairest fight with a woman. Like, I know Sophie Cunningham doesn't want them in their sport, and I understand that, but like, we need to have trans children fighting women.

• 41:07Speaker 03

  We put a wig on Ellis so that it's acceptable.

• 41:10Tom Segura?

  Yeah. He dude, he would get so fucking fired up if I was like, hey, Bert's daughter wants to, he'd be like, how tall is she? What does she weigh? How old is she?

• 41:23Speaker 03

  Oh, she, oh, she saw, she saw a video of Julian that you sent me.

• 41:28Tom Segura?

  Mm hmm.

• 41:28Speaker 03

  Yesterday.

• 41:29Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 41:29Speaker 03

  She goes, is he that big? And I went, no, like they're, Julian's a little smaller, but Ellis is a little taller. She goes, I'd fucking body him.

• 41:39Tom Segura?

  He would get so mad. He would get so mad.

• 41:42Speaker 03

  She goes, dad, it wouldn't even be fair. Like I would get him, I would get on top of him, get his back.

• 41:47Tom Segura?

  Is she home right now?

• 41:48Speaker 03

  She's home right now.

• 41:49Tom Segura?

  Dude, when you see her, send me a video.

• 41:52Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 41:52Tom Segura?

  And then I'll.

• 41:53Speaker 03

  Oh, I said to her, I said to her, can I make this happen? Can we do a live stream?

• 41:58Tom Segura?

  Let's just do.

• 41:58Speaker 03

  You versus Ellis.

• 41:59Tom Segura?

  Let's just do the video. I just want to show him a video and like, I'll record his response.

• 42:04Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 42:05Tom Segura?

  And then I'll send it to you because he, he, dude, he's gonna get so mad. He'll come in the middle of the night, be like, hey, like three in the morning. Is that, is that girl, is she ready? Is she ready to, cause is she five, six, five, seven? Like he'll definitely.

• 42:21Speaker 03

  She's not that tall. And I bet, I bet they're like, they, if you put them both in gees, they're gonna look similar.

• 42:30Tom Segura?

  How tall is she?

• 42:31Speaker 03

  How tall is Ila? Like five, five, four?

• 42:35Tom Segura?

  Okay.

• 42:36Speaker 03

  Five, how tall's Leanne? Like a hundred and a hundred pounds, maybe.

• 42:41Tom Segura?

  She weighs a hundred pounds?

• 42:42Speaker 03

  She's tiny, dude. She's.

• 42:44Tom Segura?

  Really?

• 42:44Speaker 03

  Skinny mini. Yeah. She just worked out with us this morning. So she's strong.

• 42:48Tom Segura?

  Okay.

• 42:48Speaker 03

  She's doing fucking devil's press with twenties.

• 42:52Tom Segura?

  No.

• 42:52Speaker 03

  So like she's strong.

• 42:53Tom Segura?

  Stronger dude. She's a grown up. Yeah. He's ten years old.

• 42:57Speaker 03

  I mean, I ten years old versus a twenty year old.

• 42:59Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 43:00Speaker 03

  I think it's a fair fight.

• 43:02Tom Segura?

  Oh, my God.

• 43:03Speaker 03

  I laughed so hard because I was drinking. I was having such a good time. I didn't take my Manjaro. I knew I was going to the Dodgers game. I was supposed to take my Manjaro yesterday.

• 43:10Tom Segura?

  You skipped it.

• 43:11Speaker 03

  So I'm a day off. Dude, I ate cookies. I ate pizza. I ate fucking pretzels. I ate everything. I fucking threw up in my mouth all night when I slept. It was so enjoyable. I think I breathed it into my lungs because I woke up with the cough.

• 43:25Speaker 03

  I woke up in the middle of the night and took a shit. I woke up in the middle of the night, Tom. Hold on. I hang on. I actually almost sent this to you. I woke up in the middle of the night and I took a shit so big for fucking at two thirty in the morning. This is that shit.

• 43:40Tom Segura?

  Jesus.

• 43:41Speaker 03

  At two thirty in the morning.

• 43:42Tom Segura?

  Okay.

• 43:43Speaker 03

  At two thirty in the morning.

• 43:44Tom Segura?

  All right, turn it back.

• 43:44Speaker 03

  At two thirty in the morning.

• 43:46Tom Segura?

  I heard you.

• 43:46Speaker 03

  And can you imagine taking that big of a shit at two thirty in the morning? After a Dodgers game, I shit that much at two thirty.

• 43:54Tom Segura?

  Throw up.

• 43:57Speaker 03

  I mean, Tom, it's two different shits. It's one shit and then another shit. These are two different meals that I ate at a Dodgers game that came out in different capacities.

• 44:09Tom Segura?

  There was a lot of food at the Dodgers game.

• 44:11Speaker 03

  I had pizza. I had peanuts. I had a bag of Fritos. I had three different types of cookies.

• 44:18Tom Segura?

  Oh, my God.

• 44:18Speaker 03

  I had, I had, I ate, I had fish. I had proteins. I had treats.

• 44:25Tom Segura?

  Now you, you, you covered it. I, I think we got it. Um.

• 44:28Speaker 03

  I mean, do you know what it's like to wake up at two in the morning and take a fucking dump where you're sitting there for a while? Where you wake yourself up by shitting. I got on my phone and started doing a crossword at two in the morning.

• 44:39Tom Segura?

  I've done it, dude. I know exactly. I mean, it's, it's kind of, especially if it's a healthy shit, then it actually feels good. If it's a disaster shit, it's different.

• 44:46Speaker 03

  I don't know. Uh, there is a brand out there.

• 44:49Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 44:49Speaker 03

  I said this to Whoop when I, because everyone knows I live and die by my Whoop. I love my Whoop. I love it. I love it. I love it. And when I did that podcast over with Will at Whoop, I said, I wish there had a thing, like a Whoop for shitting, where you could shit in something and it would measure what you ate and tell you how healthy you were. Dude.

• 45:09Tom Segura?

  They have one.

• 45:10Speaker 03

  They have it. They fucking have it and I want it and I'm gonna put it and then at two thirty in the morning, I'm gonna be shitting like I'm working out. Like, you know, when you work out and you're Whoop and you get excited to see what your strain is? I can't wait to shit and then look at my phone and be like, oh, look at this. Look at this fiber. That's fiber one. I put that on my, on my fucking Kodiak protein waffles last night.

• 45:31Tom Segura?

  Good for you, man.

• 45:32Speaker 03

  Dude, can you get us that, please? Someone listening.

• 45:36Tom Segura?

  They, they, they already sent it.

• 45:38Speaker 03

  To who?

• 45:40Tom Segura?

  I got it here.

• 45:40Speaker 03

  Is this it?

• 45:41Tom Segura?

  That's it.

• 45:43Tom Segura?

  Yes.

• 45:44Speaker 03

  It's called Throne.

• 45:46Tom Segura?

  Yes. Yeah, you were close. You said crown.

• 45:50Speaker 03

  Stop Throne. Why does it say Stop Throne?

• 45:53Tom Segura?

  Shop, maybe?

• 45:54Speaker 03

  Shop Throne. Shop Throne. Shop Throne. Shop Throne.

• 45:58Tom Segura?

  How does it work? It says how it works. How does it work?

• 46:01Speaker 03

  It's a hand. It's a hand. You shit into a hand and it goes like this.

• 46:04Tom Segura?

  I don't.

• 46:05Speaker 03

  And it goes, ah, that sounds like steak. Feels like steak.

• 46:08Tom Segura?

  It tracks your gut health, hydration, urinary health with every flush. How does, how? Okay. So it just goes in there. It's like, that's a good shit. And then it just tells you, like, that was nice.

• 46:19Speaker 03

  I think it should have like a, like a, a mouth. Like you shit into a mouth.

• 46:24Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 46:24Speaker 03

  And then it closes, like it bites off logs.

• 46:26Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 46:28Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 46:28Speaker 03

  And then it tells you.

• 46:29Tom Segura?

  Yum, yum, yum.

• 46:30Speaker 03

  Yum, yum, yum. No colon cancer.

• 46:37Tom Segura?

  That's a really cool idea, man. It should be a mouth. You should design that.

• 46:41Speaker 03

  You should see a doctor.

• 46:43Tom Segura?

  Did you see that everybody lost their mind at this, uh, the Philadelphia Eagles male cheerleader?

• 46:51Speaker 03

  I, I hope they lost their mind in a good way because I'm about to throw another 10% gay in my bag.

• 46:55Tom Segura?

  That's what I was about to say. I would take another 10% for that. I think it's great.

• 46:59Speaker 03

  Let me tell you something. Let me, I'm gonna stop everyone who has anything negative, anything negative to say about a male cheerleader. You haven't paid attention to how much better they are than the women. The women get their job with just some tits and ass, a nice head of hair. That's all they need to do. Can they dance? Yeah. I hope they took a ballet class as a kid. They dressed up as a chicken and did the dance for their recital, but that dude faced adversity. He faced people calling him gay through high school. He faced everyone looking at his outfits, including his dad and his dad's brother who runs a fucking HVAC company.

• 47:36Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 47:36Speaker 03

  Calling him gay. And then he fought through that adversity to stand on that field next to those women who didn't even earn their way, in my opinion. He earned his fucking way. And to dance for us, you pay attention to how much better he is than the rest of the fish in the sea. And you're gonna find that that is what you should focus on. That is the best dancer. That is the Jason Williams. That is the Eminem. That is the outlier. God damn it. I fucking love male cheerleaders.

• 48:01Tom Segura?

  Definitely, maybe 12% for you. That was.

• 48:04Speaker 03

  Dude, I love male cheerleaders. He's so much better than the women. Look at him.

• 48:11Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 48:11Speaker 03

  Do you know how much better you have to be?

• 48:12Tom Segura?

  And I love that they chose us in Philly. The people of Philadelphia deserve this. The hate-filled people of Philly. I hope this bothers you because.

• 48:22Speaker 03

  I've added a second show in Philadelphia.

• 48:23Tom Segura?

  You fucking deserve it.

• 48:26Speaker 03

  I'm gonna do a promo today of me as a male cheerleader.

• 48:30Tom Segura?

  Man.

• 48:32Tom Segura?

  I wish there were more male cheerleaders in the NFL.

• 48:35Speaker 03

  Dude, the ones for the Rams.

• 48:36Tom Segura?

  In college sometimes. They're usually the big guys.

• 48:39Speaker 03

  Stop that. Stop that. Stop that. Stop that.

• 48:41Tom Segura?

  I'm talking about this. Yeah.

• 48:42Speaker 03

  That's what, yes. No, fuck. Okay. Those, I, I don't, I'm not, I don't, like, I know that we've got a couple of friends that were male cheerleaders in college. That's a different thing. When you just hold chicks pussies, yeah, I get, I get it. It's like being a fucking male gynecologist. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I want to finger bitches too for a living, but I'm a grown up. I got a real job.

• 49:04Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 49:05Speaker 03

  It's a cheat code. You should, there should be no male gynecologists and no male pediatricians.

• 49:09Tom Segura?

  How do you feel about female urologists? There's hangling dick.

• 49:12Speaker 03

  I'm in, I'm in.

• 49:13Tom Segura?

  You're like.

• 49:13Speaker 03

  I'm in, I'm in. Yeah, yeah. You like dick? Come on, get some.

• 49:16Tom Segura?

  Get some. Get some dicks. Yeah, get some dicks.

• 49:19Speaker 03

  That's what I say to my female urologist. When she goes, I need to see your penis. I go, I've been waiting for this. I go, come get it.

• 49:25Tom Segura?

  Isn't that crazy that if you're a female urologist, that like every day you have like 15 dicks in your hand for, for your career? Every day.

• 49:35Speaker 03

  Why not just hang out at a truck stop and do the same fucking job?

• 49:38Tom Segura?

  Like, how many dicks have you handled? And she's, at the end, she's like, I don't know, like 10,000? So crazy.

• 49:46Speaker 03

  It's like a Waffle House lady dealing with straws.

• 49:48Tom Segura?

  Oh, yeah.

• 49:49Speaker 03

  Hang on. So, so the, the college cheerleaders, I get it. I get it. Like, I get it. Like, uh, hold her up. That's cool. Whatever you want to do. I, I, I support you. I think that's awesome. Follow your fucking dream. That's great. But I will say you're not the same as this guy. This guy's better than you. This guy, none of the cheerleading.

• 50:07Tom Segura?

  I love it.

• 50:08Speaker 03

  Is in professional cheerleading. These guys, pull up the Rams male cheerleaders. I fucking love, I've got pictures of that dude on my phone. I have pictures of that dude. And there's a couple and they're so much better than the women. No offense to the women. Listen, if it was just dudes, we wouldn't watch, but you throw a couple fucking 10 dudes, dudes in there that bang. And it, it's so much better. They lift, they raise the fucking high tide for all the boats. Watch, watch how good they are, Tom.

• 50:37Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 50:37Speaker 03

  Oh, my God. That's the black guy. I fucking love that dude.

• 50:41Tom Segura?

  Well, there's just, this is just an interview. Yeah, I think you're up to like 25, 30% gay now. I like it.

• 50:50Speaker 03

  Look, watch, why, watch how much better they are, Tom. Why are we, why are we watching it like it's 1972?

• 50:57Tom Segura?

  I don't know.

• 50:59Speaker 03

  I'm looking for a bunch of stills put together in a fucking reel in a carousel.

• 51:09Speaker 03

  Three cheers for the pioneers.

• 51:10Tom Segura?

  This is them doing a, there they are, they're kinda walking out there.

• 51:14Speaker 03

  Fuck yes, dude.

• 51:17Tom Segura?

  There they are.

• 51:18Speaker 03

  Look at him, fucking come on, he's so much better than them.

• 51:24Speaker 03

  I mean, no offense to that girl, she's great, but without her tits, is she good? If you give her a dick, is she as good as him?

• 51:30Tom Segura?

  I don't know, man, that's a really good question. But yeah.

• 51:34Speaker 03

  Look at him, look at him.

• 51:35Tom Segura?

  I mean, they're pro dancers, dude, that's what they are, they're professional dancers.

• 51:39Speaker 03

  And he had to earn his job.

• 51:41Tom Segura?

  Yeah, you're right.

• 51:41Speaker 03

  Fight for his job.

• 51:43Tom Segura?

  You had to fight for his job, yes.

• 51:45Speaker 03

  You know what he's like, he's like the first black quarterback. You had to be that much better than everyone else, shout out to Doug Williams.

• 51:51Tom Segura?

  I think you make a good point. How many percentage gay do you think you are now?

• 51:57Speaker 03

  I mean, right now, when we haven't even fucking wrapped the case, I'm at forty five percent.

• 52:01Tom Segura?

  Yeah, you're up there, yeah, I think so.

• 52:02Speaker 03

  I'm already where Joe Biden's son is.

• 52:04Tom Segura?

  Yeah, and then, like, in a locker room, do you like being naked?

• 52:10Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 52:10Tom Segura?

  And do you like seeing other people naked too?

• 52:13Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 52:15Tom Segura?

  Saunas? Like the public sauna, come on.

• 52:18Speaker 03

  If you're a young boy and you come in these shorts, I say something to you.

• 52:22Tom Segura?

  If you're a young boy and you come in shorts, what do you say?

• 52:24Speaker 03

  You know, like, you know, this generation, like Kyle's thirty one, and he's like, he can't be naked, it freaks him out, like, he

• 52:30Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 52:30Speaker 03

  If he sees you naked, he's like, oh, you gotta tell me, man.

• 52:33Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 52:33Speaker 03

  And I'm like, and like, I don't get that. He's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. If you are Kyle, and you go into a sauna, like Kyle does, in like, a shirt and a pair of shorts, with slides on. I say, you know, when I was a kid, you showed up just naked. And then, then they say to me, you are naked, and I go, yeah, you're supposed to be naked.

• 52:55Tom Segura?

  Mm-hmm. Yeah.

• 52:57Speaker 03

  That's how saunas work.

• 52:58Tom Segura?

  How about, okay, here's another one, how much do you check out men's physiques?

• 53:08Speaker 03

  Give me another ten percent.

• 53:10Tom Segura?

  Right.

• 53:11Speaker 03

  Too much, too, I watch, I have a whole fucking thing just on bodybuilding, on, I could.

• 53:18Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 53:19Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 53:19Tom Segura?

  But even in person, right? Even in person? Like, when you're like, just in a social situation, if you see a guy with a great bod, do you immediately comment on it?

• 53:29Speaker 03

  I cheese check dudes all the time.

• 53:31Tom Segura?

  Yeah. Yep.

• 53:33Speaker 03

  If I see a dude with a good bod, and if I see a sloppy dude, I wonder what, what is he doing?

• 53:38Tom Segura?

  Yeah, but the good ones, do you, do you chat them up? Do you chat them up?

• 53:43Speaker 03

  I'll say stuff like, goddamn, you has a big legs. And they're like, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 53:47Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 53:48Speaker 03

  I'll be like, I'll definitely bring him up. I'm, dude, can I tell you, I, I got.

• 53:55Tom Segura?

  I'm only laughing because I, like, I'm the same way, and immediate, like, even, like, Sean's always with me, and he knows, like, they'll be like, he'll see me, he's like, are you looking at that guy? And I'm like, what? He's like, are you gonna, and then he'll see me talking, he's like, were you talking to the guy about like, his workouts and shit? And I was like, yeah, yeah, and I was talking about his diet and everything, he's like, Jesus Christ, man. Like, I, I immediately go and talk to that guy. I'm like, dude, I was looking at your chest from across.

• 54:22Speaker 03

  I feel safer, I feel safer talking to a gay guy than I do a man.

• 54:27Tom Segura?

  Fucking a hundred percent.

• 54:29Speaker 03

  Yeah, I, there was, there was a thunderstorm at the pool at the fourth, where I was, when I was shooting Free Bird, and everyone's hanging out, and I got, I'm afraid of lightning, so I went under this awning, and under the awning, there happened to be a bunch of gay dudes who had all messed on like, Grindr or whatever, I'm sure that's not the one they use. But, and they, they were, they were having a meetup, and I talked to this one guy, who had gone on a date there, I know, I know he's watching, cause he, he was a fan of, of, he knew who I was. He was gay, and he had gone on a date with one guy, and the guy had a fucking huge nose, he was not attractive. But he was confident, cause he was like, six two, and this guy was more like, five eight. And he was like, and then he was already hooking up with another guy at the fucking pool.

• 55:14Speaker 03

  Like, he had gone on a date, and he was already hooking up, and he said to me, he goes, hey, man, I'm a fan, and I was like, oh, thanks. And he, we were all just, you know, hiding from the rain and the thunder, and then, he was like, um, I was like, what are you doing? And he's like, well, I came on a date, and then he fucking left me in the middle of this date, for this guy, now they're hanging out. And he was like, this is what sucks about being gay, and then a very gay dude came over, and he was like, hi, and he started flirting with me. And then I was like, yeah, and I mentioned you, I said my partner, Tom, I didn't, I didn't realize that, that what it sounded like.

• 55:46Tom Segura?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 55:47Speaker 03

  He goes, how do you guys know him? And he goes, oh, I'm a fan, and I go, yeah, me and my partner have a vodka, that's the hat that I'm wearing. And he was like, oh, oh, oh, where's your partner? And I said, who knows? And he went, oh, oh. I said, yeah, he's, uh, he's, uh, probably in Austin. He goes, you guys don't live in the same city? I said, we used to, and then, for tax purposes, he left and went to Austin, and he was like, confused. And then he's like, so are you available? And I was like, huh? And he was like, are you available? And he was smaller than the other guy, and I said, no, no, I'm, I'm married. And he goes, I thought you said you guys were just partners. And I went, no, I'm.

• 56:29Tom Segura?

  Business partners.

• 56:30Speaker 03

  Yeah, business partners, and he goes, wait, are you gay?

• 56:35Speaker 03

  And I said, no, and he goes, then what are you doing here? And I go, I'm just afraid of lightning.

• 56:42Speaker 03

  He was like, what? I go, there's lightning out here, I'm just afraid of lightning.

• 56:46Tom Segura?

  You're the one person on, in this world that I would believe, if they were like, I was just hiding from some lightning and rain, and then I just, I don't know why, but I just ended up fucking this guy. And it was crazy, but anyway, that's in the past. I would totally believe you if you said that to me. If you're like, he was small, I wanted to try it, it was, it was fun, but it's not for me.

• 57:08Speaker 03

  What's so funny is the first guy I met, I saw every day in the gym after that, I saw him every day.

• 57:14Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 57:14Speaker 03

  And he was always like, if you find any cute guys, let me know, and I was like, I'm on it, I'm on it. So yeah, throw another ten percent in the bucket for me.

• 57:21Tom Segura?

  I mean, you're at seventy five percent, I think, dude.

• 57:24Speaker 03

  I'm at seventy five percent, I gotta be honest with you, if I met a cool, trans chick.

• 57:29Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 57:30Speaker 03

  I, I don't know if the dick would get in the way with me.

• 57:34Speaker 03

  I think I could see past it.

• 57:36Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 57:37Speaker 03

  I'd be like, you just got a really big clit.

• 57:39Tom Segura?

  Yeah, and it really fills up my mouth. When you come, it, I can, it grows a little bit, it's cool.

• 57:49Tom Segura?

  That's pretty cool.

• 57:51Tom Segura?

  We should, uh.

• 57:52Speaker 03

  Wait, wait, what, wait, what percentage of gay are you? Because now that, you know, you know, I mean, now if you're ever gonna explore your sexuality, now's the time.

• 58:00Tom Segura?

  Totally right, I, I mean, I already tacked, I mean, I said the, um, I said clothes.

• 58:07Speaker 03

  Clothes.

• 58:08Tom Segura?

  Dicks.

• 58:09Speaker 03

  Dicks.

• 58:11Tom Segura?

  Like, talking about dicks, looking at dicks, making it a subject matter at a dinner, for sure. Checking out physiques, so that's thirty percent. What else? What, liking the cheerleader, ten percent, forty percent?

• 58:28Tom Segura?

  Oh, oh, do you do any type of, like, you do like, those patches under your eyes?

• 58:33Speaker 03

  Throw another ten percent in.

• 58:34Tom Segura?

  Yeah, so I think, I mean, I do skincare stuff.

• 58:36Speaker 03

  I just bought a five thousand dollar laser to get rid of the sunspots on this side of my face.

• 58:41Tom Segura?

  Like a red light therapy thing or what?

• 58:42Speaker 03

  Yeah, red light therapy, I picked this side of the fucking couch to sit on, when I could've sat on this side, this is my car window side.

• 58:50Tom Segura?

  Passenger side, driver's side.

• 58:52Speaker 03

  Driver's side, so this side, my entire life, just got sun.

• 58:57Tom Segura?

  Right.

• 58:57Speaker 03

  And, and this side is all fucking damaged, and I, you know, I, I see it when I watch Two Bears, I see that it's, this side looks horrible. This side looks incredible, I look like fucking thirty two. And so I got a laser, like a five thousand dollar laser, I forget what it's called, like a halo or velo or billow or something.

• 59:14Tom Segura?

  Five grand?

• 59:16Speaker 03

  Five grand, it's the highest end laser you can get. It's like, it's like, it's, it's like, uh, industrial grade, and I put it here for three minutes.

• 59:25Tom Segura?

  I think I'm at between forty and fifty percent, I think that's where I am, yeah.

• 59:29Speaker 03

  I'm probably sixty five.

• 59:35Speaker 03

  Like, I'll tell you this.

• 59:36Tom Segura?

  You're thirty five percent straight.

• 59:38Speaker 03

  I got into a conversation, like, what, so like, if, if every, okay.

• 59:45Tom Segura?

  What?

• 59:46Speaker 03

  If every theme, if every comic started a, uh, OnlyFans.

• 59:51Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 59:51Speaker 03

  Would you be more excited to see John Mulaney naked or Whitney Cummings?

• 59:57Tom Segura?

  Oh, yeah, Mulaney.

• 59:58Speaker 03

  Mulaney, without a doubt, I want, I would fucking, by the way, if he, if he needs money, ever.

• 1:00:05Speaker 03

  A hardcore John Mulaney sub site like, like, just like very submissive and like.

• 1:00:10Tom Segura?

  Such a weird thing to say.

• 1:00:13Speaker 03

  I'm in, I'm in.

• 1:00:14Tom Segura?

  Yeah, yeah. I mean, I'm sure John.

• 1:00:16Speaker 03

  I mean, go through it, go through it, go through it.

• 1:00:18Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:00:19Speaker 03

  Pete Davidson?

• 1:00:20Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:00:21Speaker 03

  Come on, dude. Are you kidding me?

• 1:00:23Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:00:23Speaker 03

  Pete Davidson starts an OnlyFans.

• 1:00:25Tom Segura?

  It's a good way.

• 1:00:25Speaker 03

  He retires. He does not need to do stand up anymore ever again.

• 1:00:28Tom Segura?

  Ever. Yeah.

• 1:00:29Speaker 03

  Ever. Do you know how many people would sign up for Pete Davidson's OnlyFans?

• 1:00:34Tom Segura?

  No, that would be a huge moneymaker without a doubt.

• 1:00:36Speaker 03

  I mean, I am almost, I'm almost befuddled that he's never thought about it.

• 1:00:40Tom Segura?

  Maybe he has. That's a good one. Um, yeah, I mean, the, I don't know. I think the guys, yes.

• 1:00:47Speaker 03

  Who, what other comics, what other male comics would you be excited for if they put out an OnlyFans? Like, would you go like, hold on? I just, I had this conversation with a young lady. I forgot her name. Her name is Victoria. She was on a radio show with me and we got back and forth about it. We kind of got heated about it like, cause. I'm not heated, but like into it. I got into it.

• 1:01:08Tom Segura?

  Oh.

• 1:01:08Speaker 03

  Like, I would, I mean, no, I don't think any, I don't, you know, I've always toyed with the idea of starting an OnlyFans and I don't think anyone would go nuts over my OnlyFans, but John Mulaney naked?

• 1:01:18Tom Segura?

  Yeah. Yeah, that would be good. Um.

• 1:01:22Speaker 03

  Bobby Lee pass, I pass. I've already seen it.

• 1:01:25Tom Segura?

  It'd be weird, but he'd make it weird and fun. He would do weird shit, I think.

• 1:01:29Speaker 03

  Yeah, a lot of anime.

• 1:01:30Tom Segura?

  They're like pick his nose.

• 1:01:31Speaker 03

  A lot of Hello Kitty shit.

• 1:01:33Tom Segura?

  Some weird shit. Yeah.

• 1:01:35Speaker 03

  By the way, sat at the Dodgers game next to a bunch of Japanese guys.

• 1:01:38Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:01:39Speaker 03

  And, uh, and I'm like, I go, I think this is so fucking cool. Cause we were in a suite and they were in the suite next to us.

• 1:01:45Tom Segura?

  Mm hmm.

• 1:01:46Speaker 03

  And I, and you know, there's glass up, so you can't really like hear them. And I was like, it's so cool that a bunch of Japanese businessmen would fly over to watch Otani like. And my daughter's like, I think they're from America. And I was like, no, they're Japanese.

• 1:02:04Speaker 03

  She was like, I, they're wearing like Dodgers shit. And I go, they're Otani fans. Like they all flew in from Japan.

• 1:02:10Tom Segura?

  What made you think they flew in versus just living there?

• 1:02:13Speaker 03

  I, cause they were Japanese and they were all together.

• 1:02:16Tom Segura?

  Oh, oh, I, okay. Yeah. There's a good chance that they're just Americans.

• 1:02:21Speaker 03

  No, they were.

• 1:02:22Tom Segura?

  Oh, they were?

• 1:02:23Speaker 03

  Oh, I found out the hard way.

• 1:02:25Tom Segura?

  Were you like, welcome here?

• 1:02:27Speaker 03

  Cause I was like, I was giving them thumbs up, you know, like they do.

• 1:02:32Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:02:32Speaker 03

  It's very fun. Are you guys having a good time? And the guy goes, yeah, we are. And I went, okay.

• 1:02:43Tom Segura?

  Hot dogs.

• 1:02:47Tom Segura?

  Good?

• 1:02:48Speaker 03

  No chopsticks with them, huh? Just put it right in your mouth.

• 1:02:52Tom Segura?

  Yeah. Thanks, man.

• 1:02:54Speaker 03

  Have you ever, hang on, can I ask you real quick? Simon, and I know we're probably getting to the end of this. And by the way, this has been.

• 1:02:59Tom Segura?

  We gotta do our Mountain Dew submissions, dude.

• 1:03:01Speaker 03

  Hang on, real quick.

• 1:03:04Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:03:05Speaker 03

  Did you, uh, did you follow any of what happened with Otani's translator?

• 1:03:10Tom Segura?

  Yeah, but I, I only know like when the story broke, it was like, hey, his translator, uh, was, was like gambling with his money and took a bunch of money.

• 1:03:21Speaker 03

  Forty million dollars.

• 1:03:22Tom Segura?

  Yeah, yeah. And, and spent on gambling. And then I heard through other people like, yeah, but then the story developed more and it was like, it wasn't that he didn't know what was happening, but I'm saying, saying that like as something that I heard. And I don't know more details about, do you know them? I wouldn't trust your version of the story.

• 1:03:46Speaker 03

  I would not trust my version of the story, but I do, I, I couldn't get past the fact of what a fucking gig is it to be translator to a guy who does not speak English? Who has a hundred and eighty million dollars and be sitting at the bank with them as a translator and goes, and just be like, wait, that's so crazy. He just said, I, I should be able to sign off on this account. Are you sure? And then Otani's like, huh? He's like, yeah, he said, yeah.

• 1:04:11Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:04:12Speaker 03

  And then they're like, cause he had full access to his money.

• 1:04:15Tom Segura?

  That's crazy that your translator would. Yeah. I don't understand that. I don't know that. It feels like it's a more,

• 1:04:23Tom Segura?

  you know, juicy story.

• 1:04:25Speaker 03

  He struck out four fucking times last night.

• 1:04:29Tom Segura?

  Were you like, what the fuck? Go back to your country. What did you do?

• 1:04:32Speaker 03

  Dude, when you strike out four times, you're just a tall Japanese guy.

• 1:04:36Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:04:37Speaker 03

  Fucking hit dingers. That, he's the Jason Williams for them. He's the Jason Williams for them. Like when they see a Japanese guy own our sport, we created it.

• 1:04:47Tom Segura?

  Yeah, that's, that's true. That is true.

• 1:04:49Speaker 03

  Then that's the thing. But here's the crazy part is I love him too. I celebrate watching a Japanese guy be, be without a doubt, the best that's ever played the sport. Without a doubt. He, I think he will go down as the best that's ever played the sport without pitching, hitting the best.

• 1:05:10Tom Segura?

  Yeah, he's incredible. He is incredible. So.

• 1:05:13Speaker 03

  He's amazing to watch. He's beautiful to watch swing. Everything about him is confident. I love that he works with New Balance. Like I fucking love that guy.

• 1:05:21Tom Segura?

  Hold on.

• 1:05:21Speaker 03

  He did strike out four times.

• 1:05:22Tom Segura?

  This is what he said. So Otani's interpreter Mizuhara was sentenced to fifty seven months in federal prison for stealing nearly seventeen million dollars from his bank account over a multi-year period. He changed account settings, security details and passwords and impersonated Otani on phone calls with banks that authorized.

• 1:05:42Speaker 03

  By the way, by the way, I listened to one of those phone calls. It's fucking hysterical. That's how they caught him. He was like, hi, this is Shohei Otani. And the lady's like, I swear to God. And the lady's like, hey, how you doing? And he's like, I'd like to take out five million. They have it on ESPN's podcast. I listened to the whole podcast series and it's all, it's the thirty for thirty podcast series. It's awesome. And then the lady's like, I don't think Shohei Otani can speak English. And he's like, uh, uh, gor, gorichi kro, cock.

• 1:06:09Tom Segura?

  Oh my God. Scroll down here, aftermath, sending. Wow. That's pretty wild. Okay. Um.

• 1:06:19Tom Segura?

  That's pretty wild. I would love to dive into this more, but let's get to this, our Mountain Dew submissions for our.

• 1:06:26Speaker 03

  Our summer sizzle.

• 1:06:27Tom Segura?

  Our summer sizzle. Okay. Here's another one that's submitted. We've read a few of these. There's a couple in the running. This one is from Mike R. It's called Dew Dew. So dark ocean, ominous music, doo doo.

• 1:06:41Speaker 03

  Oh, I love it. I love it. I love it. Doo doo.

• 1:06:45Tom Segura?

  Bert standing on the beach, no shirt, stares nervously at the water. Uh, Tom speaks, something big is coming.

• 1:06:52Speaker 03

  Doo doo. Doo doo. Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo.

• 1:06:58Tom Segura?

  A massive pull tab slowly rises from the deep as it nears closer to the shore. Bert's eyes widen. We're gonna need a bigger throat.

• 1:07:07Speaker 03

  Ho, doo doo.

• 1:07:09Tom Segura?

  Yeah. Mountain Dew, go bigger. Mike R., that's a good one, man. That's actually very fun. I mean, we do need a little bit of, um, CGI or something, right? Like we need a pull tab that's in the ocean, like a shark would be.

• 1:07:25Speaker 03

  What's a pull tab?

• 1:07:26Tom Segura?

  What you pull to open the can, right? He wants that in the ocean.

• 1:07:31Speaker 03

  Oh, oh, oh, like it's going doo doo.

• 1:07:34Tom Segura?

  Yeah, it's coming, it's like a shark.

• 1:07:38Tom Segura?

  But I feel like to make that look not awful, we would need an extra, uh, two point six million dollars. Okay.

• 1:07:45Speaker 03

  Well, I, I think we could, I think that could be, I think we could shoot that like in a kitchen.

• 1:07:50Tom Segura?

  Oh.

• 1:07:51Speaker 03

  I think we could shoot it. I think we could cheat it on a green screen, Tom.

• 1:07:55Tom Segura?

  Mm hmm.

• 1:07:56Speaker 03

  Really easy and make it like a fifteen second doo doo.

• 1:08:01Tom Segura?

  I like that part.

• 1:08:02Speaker 03

  I'm not sure the company's gonna go for, I think we need a bigger throat.

• 1:08:06Tom Segura?

  They might not go that. They also, there might be something, uh, to John Williams' score of jaws where they're like, mm. I don't know.

• 1:08:15Speaker 03

  I guess that one's out. We can just.

• 1:08:17Tom Segura?

  Yeah. That's, but I like the idea. It's a good idea. All right. This one's called silencing Bert from Nolan O.

• 1:08:25Speaker 03

  It's so brilliant.

• 1:08:27Tom Segura?

  What?

• 1:08:28Speaker 03

  If we just put doo into every popular song.

• 1:08:32Tom Segura?

  Just do in, in all songs?

• 1:08:35Speaker 03

  Do, do do, do do.

• 1:08:38Speaker 03

  Any fucking popular song.

• 1:08:41Tom Segura?

  Just make it do.

• 1:08:42Speaker 03

  Just make it do. I don't know why they didn't already think of that.

• 1:08:45Tom Segura?

  All right. Here's another one, Bert. You two, us are in the green room of a well-known comedy club along with several other comics. Everyone's.

• 1:08:50Speaker 03

  I already like it.

• 1:08:52Tom Segura?

  Laughing, sharing stories, but as legend goes, Bert is constantly every, interrupting every single person talking. As he does this, you see the joy in the face of each person being interrupted, quickly leaving. This is very active so far.

• 1:09:05Speaker 03

  I'm already fucking out of this.

• 1:09:06Tom Segura?

  Hand to Tom, who has experienced this on a number of occasions as he gives a look to the camera, saying, I know how to fix this. Tom opens a cooler, fully stocked with ice cold cans of Mountain Dew, holds one in front of Bert's face every time he begins to interrupt someone, which immediately silences him as he cannot help but crack open a can and murder the entire thing as everyone is able to continue their story. By the end of the night, everyone is smiling, giving hugs, handshakes and goodbyes as they exit the green room. Once the room falls silent, the camera slowly pans to Bert, who is slumped over on a chair, surrounded by tons of crushed Mountain Dew cans. It's hard to rudely interrupt while you're drinking a doo, fade to green.

• 1:09:48Tom Segura?

  Love you guys. Thanks for considering Nolan. Oh, that is fucking fantastic. So you just.

• 1:09:52Speaker 03

  Horrible idea.

• 1:09:53Tom Segura?

  You just have a bunch of like food and drinks and you're just like, I'm bro, I'm bro. And then everyone's able to talk.

• 1:09:59Speaker 03

  Yeah, I can't wait to hear that.

• 1:10:01Tom Segura?

  You don't like that one?

• 1:10:02Speaker 03

  No, no, no. You should put me in the back of a Kill Tony waiting room. Fucking asshole. All right. What's the next one?

• 1:10:09Tom Segura?

  Well, I didn't like that one. Okay.

• 1:10:10Speaker 03

  By the way, I actually, I actually did. I'm, I'm trying to play the character that he thinks I am. Fucking asshole.

• 1:10:17Tom Segura?

  Here's the Mountain Dew sommelier, a ridiculously serious Mountain Dew tasting room. Tom is dressed like a sommelier. Bert sits across from him. Tom pours Mountain Dew into a wine glass. Notice the sweetness immediately. Bert smells it. Yeah. Hints of citrus. Bert, yep. Perhaps a little desperation? Bert, definitely. Tom takes a tiny slip, a tiny sip, silence. It's Mountain Dew. Bert, yeah. Cut to logo. I like, again, the absolute lack of a full story or any type of climax. I'm a big fan of these, you know? The just setup, yeah. And it's just like ends on that.

• 1:10:59Tom Segura?

  Like the anti-climactic moment.

• 1:11:02Speaker 03

  I really like that. I, I mean, I, I think that, you know what those, I, can I tell you why I like that?

• 1:11:07Tom Segura?

  What?

• 1:11:07Speaker 03

  It reminds me of my favorite one.

• 1:11:09Tom Segura?

  Which is?

• 1:11:10Speaker 03

  This, the cop one. I keep going back to the cop one because it's, it really is, what are you drinking? It's Mountain Dew. Oh, okay.

• 1:11:18Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:11:19Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 1:11:19Tom Segura?

  All right.

• 1:11:20Speaker 03

  I mean, I think we could, I, I mean, I think with this one or the cop one, I love it because it's a bunch of white space for us to play with.

• 1:11:26Tom Segura?

  That's true.

• 1:11:27Speaker 03

  Like we can make, we can make it whatever. We can use that and then put our little stamp on it and then make it fun, make it ironic, make it. I mean, I like this. I like this and I like the cop. These are my two favorite.

• 1:11:39Tom Segura?

  I'm, I'm with you. These are very fun. I also like, um, you just being shoved full of beverages so you don't talk.

• 1:11:46Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:11:50Tom Segura?

  Okay. Um.

• 1:11:51Speaker 03

  I have ADHD and first of all, I, I am an interesting person. I interrupt for interesting things.

• 1:11:59Tom Segura?

  That's good. Um, thank you guys for watching. Thank you for listening.

• 1:12:05Tom Segura?

  I'm going, I'm heading off into production. I'm going to do a movie, but we're still gonna do episodes and we're just gonna make it happen. There might be zoom zooms or something, but we're gonna do episodes.

• 1:12:15Speaker 03

  They're gonna be good. You, you guys, I, I don't think you're gonna notice.

• 1:12:18Tom Segura?

  Okay. Sounds good. All right.

• 1:12:20Speaker 06

  Bert and Tom, Tom and Bert. One goes topless while the other wears a shirt. Tom tells stories and Bert's the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean. Here's what we call two bears, one cave.

• 1:12:43Speaker 00

  From the studio that brought you WandaVision.

• 1:12:46Speaker 01

  I was an Avenger, but I'm not a hero anymore.

• 1:12:51Speaker 00

  The Vision returns for the final chapter of the groundbreaking trilogy.

• 1:12:55Speaker 01

  That family wasn't real. You sure about that? I had a father called Vision.

• 1:12:59Speaker 00

  How is this possible? Don't miss the two-episode premiere of Marvel Television's Vision Quest.

• 1:13:06Speaker 01

  Nothing bonds a family together quite like Mortal Jeopardy.

• 1:13:10Speaker 00

  Now streaming only on Disney Plus.