Moment 52 - Why You Need To Be Kinder To Yourself: Fearne Cotton

In these ‘Moment’ episodes of my podcast, I’ll be selecting my favourite moments from previous episodes of The Diary Of A CEO. Fearne Cotton is an author, presenter and podcast host with a goal to help all of her listeners find their own happy place. In this clip, we talk about one section of her book that hones in on the idea of being more self-compassionate. It's something I’ve spoken about a lot, talking about this voice inside our heads that talks to us. What Fearne says here is that we need to choose what we listen to, and what we focus on. We need to focus on the stuff that we like about ourselves and the things that we really want to celebrate. It’s a matter of where we put our attention and focus, and that is a hard practical discipline that we need to work on. It’s so important that we learn to become more self-compassionate. I hope listening to Fearne’s episode will move you in the right direction. Listen to the full episode here - https://g2ul0.app.link/OrX6sjtZEob Fearne - https://www.instagram.com/fearnecotton/channel/ Watch the Episodes On Youtube - https://www.youtube.com/c/TheDiaryOfACEO/videos Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:02Steven Bartlett?

  You start in part one of the book talking about this sort of self compassion experiment. So tell me about what this self compassion experiment is and what it taught you and how it helped you with those limiting beliefs.

• 0:13Speaker 01

  It really means a lot that you got that from the book, so I'm super grateful. But self compassion, I didn't really know where this book would take me. I knew the subjects I wanted to cover. I didn't know what the themes would be at the start. That kind of appeared later down the line as the book kind of formed. But the first section did very much end up sort of seeped in the theme of self compassion. And I guess the starting point was talking to Wendy, who is a shaman that I know, Wendy Mandy. And she's lived with many indigenous tribes and shamanic people the world over. I won't say how old she is, but she's done this for decades and decades.

• 0:58Speaker 01

  And every message seemed to go back to self compassion. And I've always known it's important, but I've certainly not practised it because you do have to practise it. And I've certainly not nailed it. I've allowed myself to get back into these loops of like this acerbic voice that says I'm a piece of shit, et cetera. So I was like, if Wendy's saying this again and again and again, and then so is the next person I interview and the next person I interview, then I've got to focus on this. And it is a matter of focus. You can focus on all the things you don't like about yourself. Or you can choose to, you know, accept and acknowledge that there are some things you're not as good at and mistakes you've made. Everyone has, we are human, we are fallible humans.

• 1:43Speaker 01

  But you can focus on the stuff that you really like about yourself and that you really want to celebrate about yourself. And that you know, and that you notice the gifts that you have, because we've all got that. Every single person has got something to give. So it's a matter of putting your focus and attention here or putting it over here. So that was what I learned writing that chapter was I need to focus more on this stuff and not keep worrying so much, should I have said this? Have I upset that person? Is it awful that 10 years ago I did this thing that I really regret? You know, we've all done that. There's no single person, even the shiny movie stars we see in the cinema or people we see on Instagram with 20 million followers, they have all made mistakes.

• 2:27Speaker 01

  They all have ugly bits of themselves they don't like, silly things they've done, awful things they've said, slip ups they've made, you know, they've done things not from a benevolent place. We've all done it, but we can choose to not live in that area the whole time and like focus on it and drown in it. And we can look at the stuff that we do want to celebrate about ourselves with acceptance. You haven't got to ignore and shun the shadow side because we've all got that. But have an acceptance of it alongside celebrating the good stuff. I think is really what I learned from writing that that chapter.

• 3:01Steven Bartlett?

  And in practical terms, how do you celebrate? How do you celebrate the good stuff and try not to let the mind wander away? When you wake up in the morning and you start immediately thinking about, oh my God, my, my hair is this, my nails are that. Why haven't I done this? I'm a bad mum, etc. As you write about in the book. How do you, what's the practical kind of like discipline that you've engaged in to be more self compassionate?

• 3:23Speaker 01

  I'm quite lucky in the fact that I'm a very obvious person, so I can see myself very obviously. My habits are obvious and they're big. And my big one is to work too much and to be a workaholic and to put the kids to bed and then keep working until I'm exhausted and my husband's like, shut your fucking laptop. Like, what are you doing? Just stop. Like, what are you doing? And sometimes that is coming from a place of wanting to do well, some of the time. A lot of the time, probably 80% of the time, that is coming from a place of, I'm a shitty person. I don't deserve what I've got. I don't deserve to have the job that I've got.

• 4:03Speaker 01

  I've made mistakes. I'm an idiot. I have to work harder if I am to believe that I deserve where I'm at. That's where that's coming from. So I can see it, it's obvious. When I go into workaholic mode, I go, oh, I don't, I must be not liking myself very much. I'm beating myself up about something within me. And it's deep rooted. You have to get down to that place of what is this that I don't like about myself? And on the days that I choose to do something nice for myself, and I'm not talking about anything fancy, I'm talking about going for a walk, that to me is bliss. Headphones, music, walking, I'm in heaven. Going for a walk, resting, like allowing myself time out, allowing myself time where

• 4:46Speaker 01

  I'm not worrying about emails and how well the podcast is doing and is my book selling? And just being and hanging out with nice people or having a friendly chat with someone. Then I know that my actions are coming from a place where I'm at peace with myself that day. So I'm obvious. It'll be different for everyone, but you can probably spot the patterns where you're in a little negative cycle versus the ones where you're being nicer to yourself.