#656 - Fahim Anwar

Fahim Anwar is a stand-up comedian and actor. His new special “Intrusive Thoughts” is out now on YouTube. Fahim joins Theo to talk about the power of dance, an adventurous weekend they had in Clearlake, Iowa, and what can be done about America’s gooning epidemic. Fahim Anwar: https://www.instagram.com/fahimanwar/ Fahim’s new special “Intrusive Thoughts”: https://youtu.be/46cxhMQYH74 Fahim Works on Stuff: https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PLziXdq2x78fH1IHv-bxx5pd9VjwKmZrE9 ------------------------------------------------- Tour Dates! https://theovon.com/tour New Merch: https://www.theovonstore.com ------------------------------------------------- Sponsored By: Celsius: Go to the Celsius Amazon store to check out all of their flavors. #CELSIUSBrandPartner #CELSIUSLiveFit https://amzn.to/3HbAtPJ Perplexity AI: Ask anything at https://pplx.ai/theo Manscaped: Get 15% OFF your entire order @MANSCAPED with promo code THEO at https://manscaped.com #ManscapedPartner #TCSociety Quo: Go to http://quo.com/theo for 20% off your first 6 months. Modiphy: Get 50% off the last website you’ll ever need at https://modiphy.com/THEO ------------------------------------------------- Music: “Shine” by Bishop Gunn Bishop Gunn - Shine ------------------------------------------------ Submit your funny videos, TikToks, questions and topics you'd like to hear on the podcast to: [email protected] Hit the Hotline: 985-664-9503 Video Hotline for Theo Upload here: https://www.theovon.com/fan-upload ------------------------------------------------ Find Theo: Website: https://theovon.com Instagram: https://instagram.com/theovon Facebook: https://facebook.com/theovon Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/thispastweekend Twitter: https://twitter.com/theovon YouTube: https://youtube.com/theovon Clips Channel: https://www.youtube.com/c/TheoVonClips Shorts Channel: https://bit.ly/3ClUj8z ------------------------------------------------ Producer: Zach https://www.instagram.com/zachdpowers Producer: Trevyn https://www.instagram.com/trevyn.s/ Producer: Nick https://www.instagram.com/realnickdavis/ Producer: Andrew https://www.instagram.com/bleachmediaofficial/ Producer: Halston https://www.instagram.com/halstonrays/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Theo Von?

  You ever realize that you spent your entire morning thinking about lunch? It's 9 a.m. and somehow I'm already in negotiations with myself about how I'm gonna spend $20 on a sandwich at noon. And then I eat it, or you eat it, or somebody eats it, and then an hour later, you're just standing in the kitchen worrying about what you'll do for dinner. And that's one reason why I've been into Huell. The Black Edition Powder is a complete meal you have instead of food, not a shake on top of food. Their powder starts at less than $3 per meal, has 40 grams of protein, and mixes with water or milk in about 30 seconds. I like Huell's shakes because they're clean and it's quick.

• 0:41Theo Von?

  I just want to make sure I have everything I need to keep going the way I want to keep going in a healthy manner. So with Huell, basically, lunch went from a daily logistical problem to a thing I can solve in about 30 seconds. Make healthy eating simple. New customers get an exclusive offer of 15% off online with my code WEEKEND at huell.com/weekend. That's H-U-E-L dot com slash weekend. Thank you to Huell for partnering and supporting our show. I want to let you know that I'll be doing a podcast, taping this podcast, before a live audience. It's the only time I've ever done that.

• 1:23Theo Von?

  And it may be the only time I ever do, I don't know, but that will be with the champ, Iron Mike Tyson, on May 5th in Los Angeles at the Wiltern Theater as part of the Netflix Is a Joke Fest. And after that, it'll be on our channel, so you can see it there. You can get tickets at theovon.com/TOUR. Today's guest is a stand-up comedian, he's an actor, and he's a dancer. He's a dancer. We've been friends for a long time, and it's great to finally have him in. His new special, Intrusive Thoughts, is right now available on YouTube. We've got a link in the description. Today's guest is my friend, Mr. Fahim Anwar.

• 2:25Theo Von?

  I'm saying over there, it didn't even happen. Somebody just said there were some fires going on. Are there?

• 2:29Speaker 01

  Remember when everyone had that fire app for like three weeks?

• 2:31Theo Von?

  Oh dude.

• 2:32Speaker 01

  And then we deleted it?

• 2:33Theo Von?

  Yeah, dude.

• 2:34Speaker 01

  Right? Like, we just were all about that fire app, but like, I deleted it.

• 2:38Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 2:38Speaker 01

  Or are you still trying to find out like what fires are going on in Oregon or something?

• 2:41Theo Von?

  Oh, bro. When people had that app, bring up that app. What was that?

• 2:45Speaker 01

  Was it called Fire?

• 2:47Theo Von?

  I think it was called Something's Burning, wasn't it? Just an advertisement for Burke Rides your Podcasts.

• 2:52Speaker 01

  It was cross pollination?

• 2:54Theo Von?

  What was that app? Watchduty. That was the app, though. Yeah, remember? It was like, oh, there it is. Oh, it's on the fire. It's like, oh, it's on Venice Boulevard, you know?

• 3:05Speaker 01

  Well, it was like, you thought you were gonna die, so you just like, am I by the flames? Do I have to outrun it? It just says run? It just pops up?

• 3:14Theo Von?

  Dude, that, that was it right there. Remember? And the flames would get bigger and stuff. They had airplanes going by. And every now and then, they would have this like, like a burning emoji would just run across the screen.

• 3:23Speaker 01

  They would have an icon of a guy setting fires. You're like, somebody take care of him. Why is he? Cops get on it.

• 3:29Theo Von?

  Yeah, dude, that app was crazy. And it was like, oh, leave your popcorn kernels out on your, uh, veranda.

• 3:35Speaker 01

  It's gonna be a hot one?

• 3:36Theo Von?

  Yeah, yeah, it's crazy. They're like, oh, it's gonna be, yeah, definitely. It's a great day to make some, it's a great day to get some popcorn going.

• 3:45Speaker 01

  Yeah, they're probably, I mean, it was bittersweet. Like, the developers were probably stoked.

• 3:49Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 3:49Speaker 01

  That, you know, everyone's downloading the app, but it's a shame that like this has to happen for the downloads to go through the roof. Maybe they're starting it.

• 3:57Theo Von?

  Dude, that's what I was saying. I wonder if they could find, knowing what we know now, like, I wonder if they could find like a connection between the developers or the ones starting the fires. Cause that's what you start to realize in the world. It's like, yeah, if there's a crazy app that comes out that helps solve a problem, the other side of the makers of the app sometimes are, they're in conjunction with the people making the problem.

• 4:19Speaker 01

  You gotta create the need.

• 4:20Theo Von?

  Yeah. You gotta create the need, dude. Fahim Ammar, good to see you, dude.

• 4:25Speaker 01

  Thanks for having me, man. Oh, man. Same. Thank you. This is great.

• 4:29Theo Von?

  Yeah, it's been awesome, man. Thanks for your patience, too.

• 4:31Speaker 01

  Of course.

• 4:31Theo Von?

  Um, yeah, I know you got, you have a new special that's coming out, right?

• 4:34Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 4:35Theo Von?

  Yeah. And what's the name of it?

• 4:36Speaker 01

  It's called, uh, I'm blanking on it.

• 4:39Theo Von?

  Shit, I'll help here. And this will help the name of it.

• 4:41Speaker 01

  Hold on, I should know what it's called.

• 4:42Theo Von?

  Intrusive Thoughts.

• 4:43Speaker 01

  Bro, there you go. I need some of them right now. Yeah.

• 4:45Theo Von?

  It's almost like, yeah, yeah, you could use one.

• 4:47Speaker 01

  I'm doing a promo run. This is good to get the kinks out. What's the name of the special? Ahhh. Ahhh. Let me just do the biggest podcast and go, what's the name of the special? Ahhh. Should I look? I want to hit every camera where I have a brain fart. Intrusive Thoughts.

• 5:04Theo Von?

  Yeah, there you go.

• 5:04Speaker 01

  I think I was thinking of my last special and I, yeah.

• 5:07Theo Von?

  And it's, and it's out now?

• 5:08Speaker 01

  It's out now. Yeah, yeah.

• 5:09Theo Von?

  Oh, nice, man. Congratulations.

• 5:11Speaker 01

  Thank you, man.

• 5:11Theo Von?

  Um, and you're also, what's the show that you do? It's the fixing?

• 5:16Speaker 01

  Oh, the working, the working on stuff?

• 5:17Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 5:18Speaker 01

  So it's in the Belly Room at the Comedy Store. That one's called Fahim Works on Stuff. And it's a weekly series I do. I, I work on material and then eventually, sometimes it makes it into the set. So like this hour I did, a lot of those jokes ended up making it. But if you like stand up and how it's crafted and stuff, that's a fun one to check out.

• 5:34Theo Von?

  Oh, so it, so like from the stage all the way and then they, how they ended up in?

• 5:38Speaker 01

  Well, it's just me trying jokes out. Like I have paper and stuff and there's, you know, the way we write material, you know, you get ideas and you try it out. I just, I film it and then I put it up and I'd love to have you do it sometime too. I'd love to have you on the show.

• 5:50Theo Von?

  Yeah, man. If I'm in town, I'd love to do it, dude. Thank you.

• 5:52Speaker 01

  Of course.

• 5:52Theo Von?

  I thought it was like Fahim Works on Stuff. It was like you fixing like a motor or something.

• 5:56Speaker 01

  Yeah, that's bad branding, I guess. Some people in the comments are like, I thought there'd be a carburetor. And that's on me? But I'm on the thumbnail. I have a, I'm doing this.

• 6:04Theo Von?

  There you go, right there. Fahim Works on Stuff and his friends drop by. That's great.

• 6:08Speaker 01

  So it's, yeah, it's a nice.

• 6:09Theo Von?

  And so you, dude, nobody works on stuff more than you, bro. You are like, you're the guy that's always done, like to me, that's always done it like a comedian, like a true comedian does it. If, if people have an idea of what that is, and everybody's ideas can be different. But if you had like this idea of like.

• 6:24Speaker 01

  Well, that's very flattering, man. Thank you, man.

• 6:26Theo Von?

  But yeah, I was expecting something like a carb, I was expecting something different. Or I just thought it was like one of like Burt Kreischer's shows where if he like every other, you know, he always has something like Burt fights a mole or whatever, you know?

• 6:36Speaker 01

  Right.

• 6:36Theo Von?

  It's like, you know?

• 6:38Speaker 01

  I'm just, I'm working on a different thing every show. Like it's a skateboard one show, BMX.

• 6:43Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 6:43Speaker 01

  And then maybe a, an Apollo.

• 6:46Theo Von?

  Yeah, he's, he's building.

• 6:48Speaker 01

  In the comments, what do you want me to work on next?

• 6:52Theo Von?

  Yeah, and then your, your wife's like, why don't you work on this marriage or whatever, dude, are you married?

• 6:56Speaker 01

  I don't, no.

• 6:57Theo Von?

  Okay.

• 6:58Speaker 01

  I don't work on that. I only work on jokes and.

• 7:01Theo Von?

  Yeah, yeah, cuz.

• 7:02Speaker 01

  Whoa, was that all, you guys whipped that up just now? AI. Wow.

• 7:08Theo Von?

  Um, Fahim Amor working under the hood, always greasing, bro. That shit's dope, dude. You're kind of black arming there, but.

• 7:15Speaker 01

  They've given me bigger forearms. I kind of like that.

• 7:17Theo Von?

  Yeah, you look.

• 7:18Speaker 01

  They made me beefier.

• 7:19Theo Von?

  Dude, with that chest is grease right there, that can of it.

• 7:23Speaker 01

  I like how they kept the Apple Watch.

• 7:28Speaker 01

  AI is not cutting me a break at all.

• 7:32Theo Von?

  Bro, you gotta, you gotta have something on you to let you know when lunch is, bro. That's the thing.

• 7:37Speaker 01

  Should I do this? I look way happier doing this. I, I haven't smiled this much ever on stage, but I'm just looking, it's like my child.

• 7:45Theo Von?

  Oh, with that pride, that's great, dude. Um. Oh, what was I gonna ask you about? Oh, you see that guy hit the Jumbotron or something that?

• 7:53Speaker 01

  No, I missed it. What was it?

• 7:55Theo Von?

  I mean, this is way less important than your special, but let's, let's veer off. Yeah, uh, another view of the parachuter who hits the Jumbotron at the Virginia Tech game. This is the problem now with DEI, dude. It's like they can't even get a good parachuter.

• 8:10Speaker 01

  Do we know the race of the guy who was parachuting though?

• 8:14Speaker 01

  He survived?

• 8:16Theo Von?

  I mean, but that's crazy, bro.

• 8:21Theo Von?

  Just another gooner getting too close to the screen, huh? Dude, you would think.

• 8:26Speaker 01

  What if the whole stadium just saw a guy die before a game? Do they continue the game?

• 8:31Theo Von?

  That's a great question.

• 8:33Speaker 01

  Like, you do a half at least, right? You do a half and then out of respect, you don't play the rest of the half. You play half a game when the guy dies.

• 8:40Theo Von?

  Yeah, that'd be crazy. What would happen? Say that guy who obviously was, what was he doing where he got too occupied?

• 8:49Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 8:49Theo Von?

  Where he.

• 8:49Speaker 01

  He was on his phone?

• 8:50Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 8:51Speaker 01

  It's just like this. He was watching footage of him. He's like, well, I'm getting pretty close to that thing.

• 8:59Theo Von?

  Oh man, it's just sad, bro. That gooning dude, they, those guys wanna get so close to the screen dude. They wanna be.

• 9:05Speaker 01

  Right there.

• 9:06Theo Von?

  It's not enough. We used to masturbate like in, like almost what is considered now kind of archaic.

• 9:13Speaker 01

  Like pages.

• 9:14Theo Von?

  Yes.

• 9:14Speaker 01

  A 2D image.

• 9:16Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 9:16Speaker 01

  Like kids don't know what that's like to, that's like jerking off to a shadow at this point, you know what I mean?

• 9:22Theo Von?

  Yeah, the only volume was you had to quietly turn the page. Remember that?

• 9:25Speaker 01

  Yeah, sometimes you would like move it around to make it dance, make it seem like she's really there.

• 9:29Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 9:29Speaker 01

  Now they're like Apple Vision Pro, they're like load me up, they're loading up different chicks. They're having threesome.

• 9:36Theo Von?

  Yeah, yeah. Oh, they're having eight-sons, they're having friggin', they're like, there's, they have one where an octopus will jerk you off and if you guess the army's gonna do it with, like you win more coins or whatever. I'm like, what is it?

• 9:48Speaker 01

  That'd be cool if there was an orgy with like everyone's wearing an Apple Vision Pro, but it's just like 12 people naked in a room. Like y'all could be fucking each other and they're like, the environment's better in this look. We're on the pyramids.

• 10:01Theo Von?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 10:04Theo Von?

  Yeah dude, what are you talking about? We're on the Mayflower. Why would I fuck in my living room? Like some fucking, like some senior citizen when I could fuck on the Challenger, but you only have 40 seconds to fuck.

• 10:18Speaker 01

  The Challenger?

• 10:18Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 10:19Speaker 01

  So it's like, sort of like a bust contest. You have to do it under the clock or you blow up. You have to bust before you bust.

• 10:26Theo Von?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 10:26Speaker 01

  That's the name of the game?

• 10:30Speaker 01

  And they go, you died without busting. You go, what game is this?

• 10:34Theo Von?

  Oh damn. Dude, it's definitely getting.

• 10:37Speaker 01

  They go, it's free, but then you have to pay for the tokens. That's where they get you.

• 10:40Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 10:41Speaker 01

  The game's free.

• 10:42Theo Von?

  The game is free, but yeah, you get different coins too. I know there's like the, there's that one, I know virtual reality sex thing where they, they're having sex on like, um,

• 10:53Theo Von?

  Uh, famous like sad times that happened. I think there's one they're doing now. Palantir is doing one where you can just do it right in the Gaza rubble. They're offering that.

• 11:03Speaker 01

  That's a new service.

• 11:04Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 11:04Speaker 01

  They're pivoting.

• 11:05Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 11:05Speaker 01

  It's sort of like Allbirds, the shoe company, went AI. And everyone's like, okay. Yeah, that's like Crocs getting into like biotech. You know, and that's just allowed?

• 11:19Theo Von?

  Dude, that's so funny, bro. Imagine Palantir actually, they would come out with something like that, dude. That soulless group. Um, yeah, but there's, that's where it's gonna get to. It's like, oh, well. Oh, sorry, I would love to work out today, but I'm like, I'm banging a couple chicks on the Trail of Tears later this afternoon. Like, I'm meeting up with a couple of friends. We have, we're meeting up in an opioid crisis basement from like 2022. You know, it's just gonna get weirder and weirder.

• 11:47Speaker 01

  I, why does it have to be like busting to sad stuff? It's just, it's a funny, those are the only levels? It can't be a meadow? It has to be like the worst.

• 11:56Theo Von?

  What do you mean like a meadow, like a meadow from like, um, the hills, like, uh?

• 12:00Speaker 01

  Like the Sound of Music or something?

• 12:02Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 12:02Speaker 01

  Yeah, that'd be nice.

• 12:02Theo Von?

  Oh, that'd be beautiful, like in Stockholm.

• 12:05Speaker 01

  Sure. Is that where it was?

• 12:06Theo Von?

  Bring up a Stockholm meadow, please. What is it like there?

• 12:12Speaker 01

  Oh, that's nice.

• 12:13Theo Von?

  Oh, God, look at that.

• 12:15Speaker 01

  It's like a XP screensaver right there.

• 12:18Theo Von?

  And where, yeah, that is. Remember that? When the nicest thing in your house was your screensaver?

• 12:22Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah.

• 12:23Theo Von?

  But you looked out of your real windows and it was just like a bunch of like, it was like two black dudes fighting like a, like a crow in Baltimore or whatever?

• 12:31Speaker 01

  What if that was the screensaver they sent to the hood? Like, you couldn't even have the rolling, it had to be like what's outside your window.

• 12:36Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 12:37Speaker 01

  So it couldn't even be that. It was just like dilapidated cars.

• 12:41Theo Von?

  What is that place? Oh, oh, go back to the previous one, Nick? Whatever you clicked on, right here. Green Meadow at Ironston.

• 12:51Speaker 01

  Joe Hagen.

• 12:52Theo Von?

  But yeah, dude, you're right. I'm thinking of like negative things.

• 12:56Speaker 01

  But it is funny. I do like that constraint that it's a pretty awesome video game. But it has to be in terrible places.

• 13:04Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 13:05Speaker 01

  That's just the deal.

• 13:06Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 13:07Speaker 01

  Maybe the patch will let you do nice places, but until then we're beta testing the terrible places.

• 13:12Theo Von?

  Right. In the beginning, it's like virtual reality sex thing.

• 13:15Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 13:15Theo Von?

  Okay. But in the beginning, you only get to like, like do like, you can have orgies and meetups. You're allowed to have like six or seven friends, but you can't have like 40 friends join you.

• 13:24Speaker 01

  Yeah, then you have to pay. That's like a paid tier.

• 13:26Theo Von?

  Yes. And you get like, you unlock better places to be able to kind of basically jerk off in hypothetically. That you would never be able to go to because.

• 13:36Speaker 01

  What do you think the ultimate unlock is?

• 13:38Theo Von?

  Ooh. Well, what are some second tiers even? Let's, if you don't mind.

• 13:42Speaker 01

  Unlock movie theater, let's say if you want to do a throwback, you know?

• 13:45Theo Von?

  Yeah, movie theater, maybe, um.

• 13:47Speaker 01

  Like a porn theater back in the day.

• 13:49Theo Von?

  Yeah, Jets game or whatever.

• 13:50Speaker 01

  Sure. Do you think there's a guy? I mean, that's terrible, right? But kudos to the guy who can do that.

• 13:57Theo Von?

  Oh.

• 13:58Speaker 01

  Who can bang it out to a Jets game, you know?

• 14:00Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 14:01Speaker 01

  Like football's going on, there's peanuts and popcorn and he can, he can still. Like if there was a, like a talent scout for adult films, it'd be like, that guy, he's gonna do it on cue.

• 14:12Theo Von?

  Yeah. We're looking at him for the second round. Yeah, we're drafting that guy.

• 14:16Speaker 01

  Most people can't with like a few people watching. This guy does like a whole stadium.

• 14:19Theo Von?

  Yeah, that's scary, dude. Imagine, I would have dreams where I'd imagine like it was like a big thing and you had to jerk off a mountain or whatever. Like a village couldn't eat or whatever. And everybody's there cheering and shit.

• 14:30Speaker 01

  That's a lot of pressure. Yeah.

• 14:33Theo Von?

  And then it's like eight more weeks of winter for your stomachs, bro. Y'all ain't eating shit, dude. Cause y'all made me too nervous up here.

• 14:40Speaker 01

  You blame it on them?

• 14:40Theo Von?

  Yeah, we have to. They're cheering.

• 14:43Speaker 01

  Don't cheer. It's like golf.

• 14:45Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 14:45Speaker 01

  I need silence. I can't do this with you yapping in my, have to start over. I had it and then I lost it.

• 14:51Theo Von?

  Yeah, yeah, that's it.

• 14:53Speaker 01

  Can you get in the other room?

• 14:54Theo Von?

  Oh, but yeah, that's just sad. Some guy jumps out.

• 15:00Theo Von?

  I guess he jumped out of a rocket or something. I mean, what was he even doing?

• 15:04Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 15:05Theo Von?

  And then, um, yeah, what would some of the, yeah, what would some of the highest tiers be like? Okay. And you can't really tell your parents unless they're like also.

• 15:12Speaker 01

  Unless they play the game, then they already know, right? Then they see you like, cause your gamertag is on there.

• 15:17Theo Von?

  Yes.

• 15:18Speaker 01

  And your dad sees that and you go, you play too?

• 15:19Theo Von?

  Yeah. And that's, that's sad, dude.

• 15:23Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 15:23Theo Von?

  And when the power goes out of your place and both you and your dad, you just hear each other like, dang, god.

• 15:31Theo Von?

  Cause both y'all just got shut down and you're fricking from the goonosphere or whatever. Would it bring up, let's, I want to learn more about gooning. Do you know a lot about it?

• 15:39Speaker 01

  I don't know. These young kids, you know, they have all these terms and then I learned about it way too late. So gooning, is that just like pining? Is that the new version of pining?

• 15:49Theo Von?

  Um, I'm not, I think it's just like.

• 15:52Speaker 01

  You're into something.

• 15:54Theo Von?

  Let's bring it up here on perplexity. They help us.

• 15:56Speaker 01

  I feel like this is overkill for AI. This is like shooting a fly with a cannon. AI, what is gooning? You have like Tony Stark shit, just to explain. AI, what's two plus two? Perplexity is a sponsor. We're gonna pull up two plus two.

• 16:15Speaker 01

  Perplexity, what color is the sky?

• 16:17Theo Von?

  My perplexity must think I am the fucking dumbest guy in the world, dude. We ask the most basic shit because we don't know it.

• 16:23Speaker 01

  This is the most Theo thing though ever. This is like quintessential Theo, like, pull up AI, pull up gooning. This is the most robust infrastructure for the silliest thing.

• 16:34Theo Von?

  We built all of this just to look that up? Dude, they need to do a remake of Goonies, but it's, but it's gooning.

• 16:41Speaker 01

  Bro, you sold it in the room.

• 16:43Theo Von?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 16:44Speaker 01

  You sold it on name alone.

• 16:45Theo Von?

  Bro, you telling me and they all have to get to one magic spot and they all jerk off in like a cup from like a senior citizen from like, yeah, 2,000 years ago.

• 16:52Speaker 01

  I just picture you in a suit at Paramount pitching this. Like you're saying all the same things. And you pitch it in a suit.

• 17:00Theo Von?

  What did it say? Quick definition, modern sexual meaning. In current internet slang, gooning is a form of marathon masturbation and porn consumption, where someone stays aroused for a long time. So it's basically like trying to, um...

• 17:14Speaker 01

  Keep the party going.

• 17:15Theo Von?

  And also, I think it's trying to keep your weener up. So it's trying, there's like a level of like, you know what the, like at the fish thing when they try to get the dolphin like stay on its tail for a little while?

• 17:24Speaker 01

  So gooning is the human equivalent of a dolphin staying on the water?

• 17:28Theo Von?

  Yeah, when they, yes.

• 17:30Speaker 01

  You have to make that sound when you're gooning.

• 17:33Theo Von?

  Mine sounds like a fucking broke down gay dude. Mine's just, hold on.

• 17:38Speaker 01

  It's pretty good. Yours is like half and half human, half dolphin, like the blade.

• 17:43Theo Von?

  Yeah. Mine sounds like an Asian car that won't start, dude, just...

• 17:51Speaker 01

  So that's gooning, pretty much, huh?

• 17:52Theo Von?

  Um, let's get a little more, sorry.

• 17:54Speaker 01

  Is it like edging? Didn't, wasn't that a thing before?

• 17:57Theo Von?

  Well, someone stays aroused for a long time, often hours, edging themselves into a trance-like, zoned-out state, rather than just quickly getting off. That's crazy, bro. So I didn't know that. I thought it was just, I mean, I guess, I mean, I knew that it was somebody like that was really locked in on seeing their, their penis and wanting to come, or just being involved with pornography, you know, or porno or whatever. I knew it was a lot of that, but I didn't know...

• 18:27Speaker 01

  That this exists?

• 18:28Theo Von?

  Well, just the levels they're going to for it.

• 18:32Theo Von?

  Solo means non-partner. Porn-driven, often multiple tabs, niche content, things on loop.

• 18:39Theo Von?

  What are you fucking doing? Are you like Reggie Watts or whatever, like?

• 18:43Speaker 01

  You have a loop machine? You're playing this, you're like a DJ? What if this is the birth of hip-hop? It's a new genre of porn, where like people would just play the whole thing, but I started chopping it up. And now people come to my porn DJ sets all the time, like, uh, uh, uh, oh, yeah, oh, yeah. And I'm like, ah. Yeah, the Coachella main stage?

• 19:00Theo Von?

  And the beat drop, dude, and just fucking like fakes, like...

• 19:05Speaker 01

  That's when the fog comes, like, psh, or the foam, like in Ibiza?

• 19:12Theo Von?

  Ah, that's goony, man. Dang it, it's inter- long, long before it had anything to do with porn, goon meant things like fool, thug, or a henchman. The history roughly looks like older English roots, goony, goon.

• 19:23Speaker 01

  Do you think old fashioned goons are upset that it's like their word has been taken away? They go, no, I don't do that. I'm a goon.

• 19:29Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 19:29Speaker 01

  I'm a real, I'm a muscle. I'm, I'm a goon for the mob. I'm not, these Gen Z, yeah, Gen Z fuckers are, I'm an OG goon.

• 19:38Theo Von?

  I'm a real goon, brother.

• 19:39Speaker 01

  I'm a real goon.

• 19:40Theo Von?

  Yeah, I'm not just jerking off or whatever somewhere. But it's just sad that like, this is kind of like our military now. It's like, there's enough of them doing it now where it's like, they have like meetups and they have like, you know, they have almost like those dance-a-thons or whatever.

• 19:57Speaker 01

  Like, it's like, uh, what is it, Fonzie? Like a sock hop or something?

• 20:01Theo Von?

  Yeah, it's like, we're raising money for, uh, testicular cancer, whatever. And how many kids are in the, like, what's it called if people goon together? Is there a, there's gotta be something.

• 20:12Speaker 01

  That actually sounds like good for the community. Quit gooning by yourself. Goon together. At the goonoff.

• 20:18Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 20:18Speaker 01

  Down at the local gymnasium. Winner, winner of the goonoff gets a Hyundai Elantra.

• 20:25Theo Von?

  When people say goon together, it's typically referred to as a group gooning or participating in a goon session, communal gooning, often organized via online communities like Discord, Reddit, and adult platforms. Wow. Huh.

• 20:37Speaker 01

  Oh, group sessions, okay.

• 20:38Theo Von?

  I don't, this must be, I think this is a younger person's thing too, like a teenage or adult, I mean, like, or college age. I don't really, I don't think I have the time to devote to that.

• 20:48Speaker 01

  Yeah, it seems like a lot of time. I wonder if we're just out of touch, like, do you think parents are like, I don't understand your goon. He's like, you don't get me, dad. Yeah. Me and my friends are doing it. Like, we're too old.

• 20:59Theo Von?

  Richard, he's in there gooning right now.

• 21:01Speaker 01

  He's in there gooning. It's like that, that, uh, weed commercial, like, where did you learn to goon? I learned it from you.

• 21:06Theo Von?

  Watching you. Oh, that shit hit me, dude. I didn't even have a kid. I was a, I was a kid. I was a kid and I just felt all the pain of it, like, God. Oh, man.

• 21:18Speaker 01

  That's wild, dude.

• 21:19Theo Von?

  Anyway, bro, good to see you, dude.

• 21:22Speaker 01

  Same, man. Thank you for having me. And then I don't know if I told you officially, but thank you for having me on tour with you with those dates.

• 21:27Theo Von?

  Oh, yeah.

• 21:27Speaker 01

  That was so fun to do. I'd never done something like that. So like, I've been doing stand up a long time, but I haven't played venues like that before.

• 21:35Theo Von?

  Where'd we play in Seattle now?

• 21:36Speaker 01

  No, no, we did the Midwest run. So we did Iowa, we did Minnesota, we did North Dakota, South Dakota.

• 21:42Theo Von?

  Ooh, yeah.

• 21:43Speaker 01

  But I've just never played venues that large before. So, I mean, the largest I've done before I came out with you is 7,000 at the Dolby, 7,000 people. And then we did, some of these were like 18,000. I just wanted to do that for me, just like, what is that like? It's like big wave surfing, you know?

• 22:00Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 22:01Speaker 01

  For real. It's scary, man, because I met up with you guys in Iowa, I think, at first, like tour bus, there's the venue and all that. And then you look at the seats in the daytime and it's, it's like that scene in Interstellar where they see that giant wave. You know what I mean? Like your, like your heart kind of sinks a bit. You're like, oh, man, these are going to be filled with people. But then you do one and you're like, ah, I know what this is.

• 22:26Theo Von?

  Yeah, it takes some, it's like, I mean, definitely navigating some of that is different. Ah, and, and thanks for coming, dude. I appreciate it, bro. Thank you so much, dude. A lot of times it's like tough to get a lot of headliners to come out on the road because a lot of them are working different weekends or something like that. And I know that was an off weekend for you, so thanks for coming out.

• 22:42Speaker 01

  Of course.

• 22:43Theo Von?

  Um, yeah, dude, we're at the place where that, that place in North Dakota was, I think, the biggest building I'd ever been in.

• 22:49Speaker 01

  Fargo Dome?

• 22:50Theo Von?

  Yes.

• 22:51Speaker 01

  That was insane.

• 22:52Theo Von?

  The buses were like inside and they were, and then there was a whole nother inside where they had like a basketball court.

• 22:58Speaker 01

  Yeah, we were playing basketball before the show behind a curtain. It was like two stadiums almost. The place was divided in half and it was, even with it divided in half, it was huge.

• 23:08Theo Von?

  It was unbelievable. And there was like, yeah, they're like, they have, they sell animals in here. They do everything in here. They churn it, they earn it, whatever. Like they had a whole shirt, like. Churn and urine or whatever. It was like their, it was like kind of a Amish thing and then like, like defeating like sexual sin or whatever.

• 23:25Speaker 01

  Right. They do that.

• 23:26Theo Von?

  But.

• 23:26Speaker 01

  Do you remember, I don't know if you told the story, my favorite, there's like two moments from the tour that are like, were my favorite. The, the guy's hat blowing off? Have you told that on here?

• 23:35Theo Von?

  No, I haven't told that.

• 23:37Speaker 01

  You remember, right?

• 23:38Theo Von?

  Yeah, it was like wizard work.

• 23:39Speaker 01

  Well, we were in Clear Lake, right?

• 23:41Theo Von?

  Yes.

• 23:42Speaker 01

  So what's cool about you, like, you wanna do stuff in the town. Back in the day, I would tour with Bobby and he just, he's like a vampire. He just closes and he's in the darkness until it's time for the show. But you actually wanna hang out and so we got lunch. We're in the tour bus, right?

• 23:55Theo Von?

  He's like a Chinese vampire.

• 23:58Speaker 01

  I think he does Xbox or Playstation until the show.

• 24:00Theo Von?

  He's fucking Goonies.

• 24:02Speaker 01

  He's probably Goonies.

• 24:03Theo Von?

  He started it, dude. He's data from Goonies too, like.

• 24:06Speaker 01

  He's patient zero for Goonies.

• 24:08Theo Von?

  Yeah, okay.

• 24:09Speaker 01

  So we, we'd get lunch, you know, before the shows and we parked on the outskirts.

• 24:13Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 24:14Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah. And then, uh, so right before this even happened, we're gonna walk to the sandwich shop, cause you know, like, oh, it's rated pretty high on Yelp. So we're in the middle of nowhere, pretty much. It's a beautiful town, right? That.

• 24:25Theo Von?

  Unbelievable.

• 24:25Speaker 01

  So nice. Like a Spielberg movie or something, the small town USA. We're just walking down the thoroughfare. And it's blowing, like, you're not supposed to be there. It's so weird of these people. They're like, then there's this guy, this heavyset guy, you know? He's like, what the, what the fuck? Theo Von? Oh man, can I get a picture? And then he came up, but we were kinda running late and he's like, you're like, sure thing, man. Just, uh, we're running a little late. If you can like, you know, keep up with us and we'll get, we'll get that selfie. He's like, you got it. And then it was really, it was like really windy. So he like, he gets up to you and the wind just blows his hat off?

• 24:56Theo Von?

  Yeah, right when he got up.

• 24:57Speaker 01

  Right when he got up to you. He's like, oh, oh. So then, and it was, it was like bad wind. It went like a block away.

• 25:04Theo Von?

  It was bad wind. Like, it was like, that's one of the reasons why we were trying to get like, it was like, dude, we're gonna be late where we're going. We would have been on time, but the wind was, like, it was uphill when you were just flat. It was the worst winds that I'd ever been in. And it was beautiful day, insane winds, cloud seeding, Israel. Go on.

• 25:22Speaker 01

  So the hat blows off, the guy gets it, he puts it on, he catches up to you.

• 25:27Theo Von?

  And it blew far.

• 25:28Speaker 01

  It blew far.

• 25:29Theo Von?

  It blew probably.

• 25:31Speaker 01

  He was probably in zone two, trying to catch it, like his heart, his heart rate was up.

• 25:34Theo Von?

  Yeah, it blew, yeah. It blew into probably sixty feet, which is far on a windy day and it kind of went around the edge of a truck. Like it blew far.

• 25:43Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 25:44Theo Von?

  We're like, holy shit.

• 25:45Speaker 01

  He tracked it down, put it on. Man, what are you doing here? I'm a hu-

• 25:50Speaker 01

  Blows again. He runs, he repeats, he goes, he gets it. We're still walking.

• 25:54Theo Von?

  And my feelings started to get hurt a little bit at this point, cause it's like, dude, look, that hat's gonna be here all the time.

• 25:59Speaker 01

  That's what we were thinking. Like, like, yo, how often are you in Clear Lake? This guy's going, he's a bigger fan of this hat.

• 26:07Theo Von?

  That's what it was.

• 26:07Speaker 01

  Than he is of you, I guess.

• 26:09Theo Von?

  Right. And he kept kind of, he's like, just wait, just wait. And we're kind of waiting, but getting hit by the wind and like, okay, go on.

• 26:15Speaker 01

  The third, so it happens three times. He catches, he finally catches up with us, but it was just so funny. Like that whole day, we were just laughing about the wind blowing that guy's hat and then, like, how absurd.

• 26:27Theo Von?

  It was like one of those moments, you're like, this cannot be real, right? Like it was just, oh, hold on, you know?

• 26:32Speaker 01

  It was a cartoon. It was literally like a Looney Tune.

• 26:35Theo Von?

  And we'd have to sit there. At one point, we sat on a bench for like a little bit and waited for him to go get his hat again. We're like, cause the hat, like he just, I don't know. I think he also wore the lightest hats. It's like, dude.

• 26:46Speaker 01

  It was like paper mache, it was made out of Kleenex and it would just blow off. It was made out of Kleenex and he just Sharpie New York on it.

• 26:53Theo Von?

  It's like a repurposed kite that Toms is made and now they're making hats, you know?

• 26:59Speaker 01

  Yes, designed to blow off your head.

• 27:01Theo Von?

  And then we walked over to the surf ballroom, remember that?

• 27:05Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah.

• 27:06Theo Von?

  Where, uh-

• 27:07Speaker 01

  The Ritchie Valens.

• 27:08Theo Von?

  Where Ritchie Valens and the Big Bopper, uh, where they played their last show, dude, before that plane crash. And it was still as intact as ever. It was like going back in the past. They were so happy. We were there. They like gave us a tour of everything. You got to see the phone where they called, like where he called his mom and he's like, don't worry, mom, I'll be home.

• 27:25Speaker 01

  Yeah, so much history there. And then we got shirts, we got matching shirts.

• 27:29Theo Von?

  We did. I've worn mine.

• 27:31Speaker 01

  I've worn mine too.

• 27:32Theo Von?

  It's a good shirt.

• 27:32Speaker 01

  We should wear on the same show sometime.

• 27:34Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 27:35Speaker 01

  Like, yeah, we've been there.

• 27:36Theo Von?

  We'll go there. You know what we'll do, dude? We will go there and we gotta go there and do some shows.

• 27:41Speaker 01

  It was so, like, it was so nice. I filed it away. I'm like, I should vacation here one time.

• 27:45Theo Von?

  That's what, exactly what I thought.

• 27:46Speaker 01

  This would be a cool vacation spot.

• 27:47Theo Von?

  And I wish, we honestly, kinda wish we weren't even talking about it because I don't want other people to know how great it is. But every yard there, everything, it was just kinda perfect.

• 27:54Speaker 01

  Picturesque. Yeah, yeah. And then I forgot what city this was in, but after the shows, you do meet and greet sometimes, you know, you're really good about that? And so you're meeting your fans and then talking to them and all that. And then there's this, this girl in a wheelchair, very sweet. You're talking to her and then, and then you have this rapport with her and then you're very, you go, you know, if you don't mind me asking, like, may I ask what happened? And then.

• 28:17Theo Von?

  Yeah, how'd you get all wheeled out? That's my big question. Because we don't know.

• 28:20Speaker 01

  Right, we gotta, we gotta know. And then she's like, oh, yeah, yeah. I, uh, you know, it was a car accident. My car spun around and I got flung out of the car. And then, and then you go, now, now what kinda car was it?

• 28:35Theo Von?

  You know, I ask.

• 28:36Speaker 01

  And I just, like, like no other person on earth would drill down on what type of car it was? And then she's like, oh, I think, I think it was like an Oldsmobile or something. And then you're like, now is that a nice vehicle?

• 28:49Theo Von?

  Did I really? Oh, shit. I like to try to add context just so I know.

• 28:53Speaker 01

  I know. It's like so you, though, you know what I mean?

• 28:55Theo Von?

  It's hard for my imagination to work if I don't know.

• 28:57Speaker 01

  Yeah, and you wanted to paint the story, you know?

• 28:59Theo Von?

  Yeah. And different cars, I could see your body leaving out of it a different way, like.

• 29:03Speaker 01

  That's a good point.

• 29:04Theo Von?

  If it's like a heavy, older model car, you'd probably slip out the window, side window. If it was one of these new cars, these little bouncing baby buggies or whatever, you'd fucking fly right out of the front of that bitch.

• 29:14Speaker 01

  Yeah, just on a left turn even.

• 29:16Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 29:18Theo Von?

  Just a windy day in Clear Lake.

• 29:20Speaker 01

  A recall.

• 29:21Theo Von?

  Are you aware that one man, every hour, every day, is diagnosed with testicular cancer? Yep, that's it. In fact, it's the most common form of cancer among men ages 15 to 35. April is National Testicular Cancer Awareness Month.

• 29:40Theo Von?

  So check your twins, twin. Manscaped has partnered with the Testicular Cancer Society, and they're donating 50,000, 50 racks to help save lives and promote routine self-checks. They also just dropped a special edition bundle that helps support an amazing cause. The TCS Ball Hero Bundle includes the Lawn Mower 5.0 Ultra TCS Special Edition. I heard it's good in the quarter mile. Get your bundle while supplies last and let's help raise awareness for testicular cancer together. Get out of my nuts, Satan! Get 15% off your entire order with promo code Theo at manscaped.com.

• 30:25Theo Von?

  Visit manscaped.com/TCS to learn more about how to check yourself. Check yourself, get your hands on your nuts and figure it out. Or to make a donation at TCS Society today to save lives and balls. And our prayers with anybody that's dealing with cancer, our warmest thoughts and wishes are always with you in your battle. I need to tell you that if your business communications are basically a burner phone and a prayer, you know, I'm talking about missed calls, texts that nobody answered, customers following up for the third and fourth time, well, then obviously things are a mess.

• 31:07Theo Von?

  And at some point, you just, you hit that wall and you're like, alright, I'm done with this. Let's fucking QUO. Today's episode is brought to you by QUO, Q U O. The business communication system built so you never miss a call. Let's fucking QUO. Your entire team can handle calls and texts from one shared number. So no more missed messages or dropped conversations, or somebody's handing it off to this person and they're not receiving it. You know what I'm talking about. Everyone sees the full thread, replies are faster, and customers actually feel taken care of. Money is on the line. Always say hello with QUO.

• 31:49Theo Von?

  Try QUO for free, plus get 20% off your first six months when you go to Q U O dot com slash Theo. That's Q U O dot com slash Theo. Let's fucking QUO.

• 32:05Theo Von?

  Bro, that sandwich shop we went to there was great, too.

• 32:07Speaker 01

  Yeah. And one thing I noticed, too, about touring with you, because, I mean, we've been friends and I see you at the clubs all the time, but then hanging out with you outside of the clubs is a different thing, because everyone is kind of famous at the club, because those are comedy nerds and everyone knows someone.

• 32:21Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 32:21Speaker 01

  But then, you're like, famous, famous. And I just hadn't experienced that firsthand. Because I always see you at the store, or I see you at the improv, you know? So we were, it would happen everywhere, like that sandwich shop, and then, I remember DQ especially, we're at the Dairy Queen place. I wanted to get like a Blizzard.

• 32:37Theo Von?

  Oh, yeah.

• 32:37Speaker 01

  And then you're like, I'll come. Because we saw Mount Rushmore or whatever.

• 32:40Theo Von?

  Oh, yeah. We went to friggin' Mount Rushmore.

• 32:43Speaker 01

  It's tinier than you think it'd be.

• 32:44Theo Von?

  We did, we did like a whole family worth of vacationing in one week.

• 32:47Speaker 01

  We were basically in an RV. It's like we were doing a family vacation and happened to do these shows.

• 32:52Theo Von?

  Dude, you guys went in a helicopter, didn't you?

• 32:54Speaker 01

  I didn't, because I'm afraid of that.

• 32:55Theo Von?

  Oh, yeah.

• 32:56Speaker 01

  You didn't?

• 32:57Theo Von?

  I didn't, because I didn't pay. I got a deal out of those people, so I was like, they're definitely...

• 33:02Speaker 01

  But Bizzle went, Lee went, I'm trying to think who else.

• 33:05Theo Von?

  Yeah, Lee Kimbrel and, yeah, there we are, dude.

• 33:09Speaker 01

  I always, I mean, it was cool. It was definitely cool and impressive, but I thought it would be bigger.

• 33:13Theo Von?

  There's a lot of, like, kind of, there's like, you park, you walk, they do a good job of making it so you can't see it till you get there.

• 33:19Speaker 01

  Hmm. Yeah, yeah.

• 33:21Theo Von?

  There is kind of the big reveal. They have all the flags along the side of different countries, which I don't even know why they have that. And then the craziest part about Mount Rushmore is, there's another side to it where they were, they're making the face of a Native American, right?

• 33:38Speaker 01

  Oh, that's right.

• 33:39Theo Von?

  I think originally it was public, and then it got, um, kind of privatized, and there was a man who was trying to do it with his sons.

• 33:48Speaker 01

  Just with a hammer, by himself?

• 33:49Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 33:51Speaker 01

  And an X-acto knife?

• 33:52Theo Von?

  And a Sonic hair.

• 33:54Speaker 01

  A Sonic hair?

• 33:57Speaker 01

  Do you think that's how they sold it to them? Like, alright, we're gonna do the present and then we'll get to the like, ah, we ran out of dynamite.

• 34:03Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 34:04Speaker 01

  They just bait and switched them?

• 34:05Theo Von?

  You're like, you mean the stuff you you used to blow up all of our villages and lives in history? You didn't have just a little left over?

• 34:11Speaker 01

  Blew it all ironically, yeah.

• 34:15Theo Von?

  Dude, this is so great while they're while they're checking it out. Thank you guys for checking. It's fun to see this picture because I just sometimes you just forget like I like you just go through so many places sometimes and it's almost like it bums you out in a way because you I think it bums anybody out when you're traveling or anything you're doing. It's like you can only hold on to it so much, right? And then life gets going and life's so busy now for everybody, the way we interact and the way there's like always entertainment, always something to keep us like there's always like a a seal with a ball on its nose hypothetically, you know? And it's we forget sometimes or just like the moments that we've had.

• 34:50Speaker 01

  I'm trying to be better about taking pictures. We have a phone in our pocket all times and I forget to, you know, I'll be at the store, there'll be some great moments or I'll be on tour with you and I gotta capture these moments or you you kind of forget about them. It's nice to go through your phone, go through your Instagram and be like, oh, that was a fun time.

• 35:07Theo Von?

  Oh, yeah. Going through is the best. Yeah, I think this is a very, yeah, the Crazy Horse Memorial is a mountain monument under construction on privately held land in the Black Hills in Custer County, South Dakota.

• 35:17Speaker 01

  So that's a different mountain or whatever, right? It's not on the same.

• 35:21Theo Von?

  Right there. Henry Standing Bear, a Lakota chief and well-known statesman and elder in the Native American community recruited and commissioned Polish-American sculptor Korkzak Zielkowski to build the Crazy Horse Memorial.

• 35:35Theo Von?

  In 1939, November 7th, Henry Standing Bear wrote to the Polish-American sculptor who worked on Mount Rushmore under Gutzan Borglum. He informed the sculptor, my fellow chiefs and I would like the white man to know that the red man has great heroes too. Wow. So that's putting like that tweet out there. That's like tweeting back then. Sending a letter, just talking shit, just being the Draymond Green of like the Lakota Nation. Um, in June 3rd, 1948, uh, Zelikowski detonated the first blast on the mountain and the memorial was dedicated to the Native American people. Work continued slowly over the next few decades since Zelikowski refused to accept government grants. Ah.

• 36:14Theo Von?

  So he probably didn't want to accept them, I'm assuming because it was like, this is the government trying to put money into pay, like just to make it look a little bit better for what they did. Instead, as he stated on a 1961 guest appearance on a TV show, to tell the truth, he raised money for the project by charging 75 cents in addition to the monument work area.

• 36:32Theo Von?

  The memorial celebrated 75th anniversary in 2023, Crazy Horse's left hand was finished by 2024.

• 36:39Speaker 01

  I wonder, wonder what'll be done.

• 36:40Theo Von?

  I don't know.

• 36:41Speaker 02

  Well, note here that, uh, the land is run by the US Forest Service and they were just defunded. So it's probably gonna, I think that affects how long it takes.

• 36:49Theo Von?

  Shit.

• 36:51Speaker 01

  Well, I got the hand though. It's kinda nice.

• 36:54Theo Von?

  Yeah, I mean, it's like, at this point I would pivot.

• 36:58Speaker 01

  Yeah, to, to what?

• 37:01Theo Von?

  And I hate to say that, but, but you have the hand.

• 37:05Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 37:06Theo Von?

  Right? Do they have an updated what it looks like? Here we go.

• 37:10Theo Von?

  Looks like Bill Maher a little.

• 37:13Speaker 01

  Maybe that's the pivot.

• 37:14Theo Von?

  Yeah, that's it.

• 37:17Speaker 01

  Just real time shoots there? Okay.

• 37:24Theo Von?

  That's wild, dude.

• 37:25Speaker 01

  What if it was a huge mistake? They go, oh, we thought you wanted Bill Maher.

• 37:28Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 37:28Speaker 01

  They go, no, it was, it was this Native American. Oh, well, I opened up this attachment. It was, I thought it was Bill Maher. I must've had my tabs messed up.

• 37:37Theo Von?

  Yeah, I must, oh, I must've had a different window open on my browser.

• 37:41Speaker 01

  Well, what do we do now? Well, I mean, we've blasted a lot of the mountain. Who's hand is it? I think, I think it's Bill Maher's. It might be the other. I don't know.

• 37:51Theo Von?

  Yeah. Yeah. Maybe you go like Bill Maher with a Native American hand.

• 37:55Speaker 01

  That's a, that's a good compromise.

• 37:56Theo Von?

  Cause you gotta do something or you just open up a ring shop and chisel out the inside of the hand. I don't know what you do.

• 38:02Speaker 01

  That'd be kinda cool. Like all they do is rings.

• 38:05Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 38:05Speaker 01

  And it's inside of a hand.

• 38:06Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 38:08Theo Von?

  I've thought about that before, dude. Somebody had a great name for a ring shop, dude. Every day I think about what it was and I can't remember what it was.

• 38:15Speaker 01

  They'll come back to you.

• 38:16Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 38:17Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 38:17Theo Von?

  Thank you, dude.

• 38:18Speaker 01

  Of course.

• 38:20Theo Von?

  But yeah, the Crazy Horse Memorial started in 1948, still not finished. Oh, there's a good video about it right there, huh?

• 38:25Speaker 01

  He's ripped. Look at that. The horse and him are ripped.

• 38:27Theo Von?

  That's pretty wild.

• 38:29Speaker 01

  It's kind of centaurish a little, though, the art.

• 38:31Theo Von?

  Yeah. Dude, sometimes when you look at stuff that's like going on in the world today, like, it's kind of crazy, like you kind of look at things like you're like, oh, where there's like, people being abused, taken advantage of here, right? Like, there's a genocide here. There's this, this like, senseless, like propaganda-ridden bombing and attacking over here, right? But then you look at also like, that people like, that, that, that that happened in Native America, so it's just like, it's kind of like.

• 39:00Speaker 01

  A tale as old as time, which is so sad.

• 39:02Theo Von?

  I know. You think like.

• 39:04Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 39:05Theo Von?

  Who opens for Spade right now? Matt?

• 39:07Speaker 01

  Matt Kershaw?

• 39:08Theo Von?

  No, I love that guy, though. Oh, Patrick Kane. And he has this joke, it's like, he goes, well, at one time there was like, Joseph, Mary, Kane, and Abel. You know, and then Kane killed Abel. Did Kane kill Abel?

• 39:21Speaker 01

  Perplexity. Load of.

• 39:25Speaker 01

  Perplexity. Who killed?

• 39:27Theo Von?

  It's like, it's like the religious Clue, the board game, that one always has it. Um, but he goes, at one point in history, 25% of the population were murderers. Which is just, it's for me, that was always like one of the best jokes, dude. He's like, there were four people and they couldn't figure it out and one of them killed one of the other ones.

• 39:46Speaker 01

  It's a hyper set.

• 39:47Theo Von?

  Just heartbreaking.

• 39:48Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 39:49Theo Von?

  But it's just crazy. It's like, sometimes you want to get, like, that's one part where I like, I'll get agitated about things, but then I'm like, but, you know, I don't know. Life, a lot of life is suffering. Do you think that's true?

• 40:02Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah. I'm trying to make the best of what's in front of you and do what you can do and but it's almost, I mean, I realized this later in life that a lot of life is like SimCity. It'll never be perfect, but you can get it as close to optimal as you can. But nothing will be perfect. You do something, then drug abuse goes up. You know, then you do this other thing, then the wait for the bathroom and the roller coaster line goes up. You know, just life is SimCity. And there's not a perfect system, but like, we're all striving to get there. And that's kind of hard to come to terms with. When you're young, you just think everything should be candy pop or, you know, gum drops and lollipops. But it's so hard to maximize utility for everyone because some, something's got to give eventually.

• 40:47Speaker 01

  But we can do our best, you know, and it's nice that we have that drive to do so as, as humans.

• 40:52Theo Von?

  Yeah, maybe we'll enter a new phase too where we realize like, oh, all this capitalism, all that bull, it's like, it's not nobody's winning with it, you know, all this like conquering. You would think that, like, I kind of thought we were over like some of the colonialism shit.

• 41:05Speaker 01

  Well, even just like untethered capitalism, we're seeing the cracks in it right now. We're like late-stage capitalism right now, which is interesting. Like, it's just kind of funny. Like, oh, Mr. Beast has a chocolate, The Rock has a tequila, you know. Beyonce has a toothpaste. You have to be, now all our products are just faces.

• 41:28Theo Von?

  Cavities. Yeah, like somebody the other day offered to come, was like going door to door, like, we'll come and spray your bugs. You have any bug? You're like, I don't know. You're like, oh, bugs always attack people who don't know if they have them. And I'm like, they're just using, like, they use like reverse psychology and stuff. And they'll be like, oh, be quiet, be quiet. And they're like, oh, do you hear that? That's, and they'll make up like a bug or something, you know? Like, that's like a faggot wasp or whatever, you know, or some bug, it's like, and I'll bleep that out, sorry. But yeah, you're like, that's like a, you know, they make something up, like, oh, that's a fucking wasp from Tijuana or something, you know?

• 42:00Speaker 01

  Are those worse than regular wasps? Yes. They're south of the border. They, they're smarter.

• 42:08Theo Von?

  Oh, yeah. They're lost from home. They're angry. Yeah.

• 42:10Speaker 01

  If they made it all the way up here, they're angry. They want to go, they're lost.

• 42:15Theo Von?

  And the guy's like, we have to come and just spray tequila in your yard. And you're like, what?

• 42:20Speaker 01

  It's going to be top shelf. They know. They know the difference.

• 42:24Theo Von?

  Oh, they know if they're getting the bunk shit. But yeah, they're just like, anyway. So that and then that dude had merch. He's like, you want to get some of my merch?

• 42:31Speaker 01

  Merch? The exterminator had merch?

• 42:33Theo Von?

  Yeah, I'm like, whoa. And that's when I was like, oh my God, we've hit this crazy place where it's like, you know, you could have like, like somebody's bleeding to death, an EMT shows up and neither one of them will help like, like, and the EMT won't help until you buy his merch. Like, or, or as he's setting up doing CPR, he sets up a little merch thing by it.

• 42:53Speaker 01

  Right. Or like a wristband like Coachella, like what tier coverage do you want?

• 42:57Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 42:58Speaker 01

  All right, then the paddles are in this tent.

• 43:00Theo Von?

  Yeah, like, how, do you want to, yeah, yeah. Do you want the full paddles? You just want to breathe in your, and you just want the hand? Do you want the hopeful hand?

• 43:05Speaker 01

  Right, breathe, breathe this extra.

• 43:07Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 43:07Speaker 01

  We don't, we don't, you know, do you want one paddle or two? We can give you like half a zap.

• 43:10Theo Von?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 43:11Speaker 01

  But if you want the full zap, it'll cost you. And what's the voltage? It's a tiered program.

• 43:16Theo Von?

  Yeah, this is tiered, man. We'll give you a trials app. That's for, yeah.

• 43:19Speaker 01

  Just a taste? Just give your, your heart a taste?

• 43:22Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 43:22Speaker 01

  Like, ooh, it like that. I would upgrade. Seems like your heart wants that.

• 43:28Theo Von?

  Hey, the heart wants what the heart wants, you know? And that's what his merch said on it. I'm like, that's cra- it's just like, man, it's just gotten to be a crazy world, dude. Um, dude, you're so funny, man. You're one of the funniest guys.

• 43:41Speaker 01

  Well, the fact-

• 43:42Theo Von?

  That's ever existed, dude.

• 43:43Speaker 01

  I don't know about that, but-

• 43:44Theo Von?

  You, dude, you are, you're the guy that everybody goes to see. That's kind of weird. I wonder if that feels, does that feel like pressure? Because that's a real thing. People will be like-

• 43:53Speaker 01

  Maybe at the Comedy Store or whatever. I'm, I'm kind of like niche.

• 43:56Theo Von?

  Oppahim's on, right?

• 43:57Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 43:57Theo Von?

  And you'll go watch, because the rest of us are kind of like slithering hopeful fucking like humor grifters, I think.

• 44:03Speaker 01

  No.

• 44:04Theo Von?

  But you're like, you always bring something new to the table every time.

• 44:07Speaker 01

  I guess I just, I like new bits. Maybe that's a detriment. I remember when I was a young comic, I just, I loved new material more than crushing. So there were certain shows where maybe I should have been trying to impress agents or managers or execs, but I had a new joke that I wanted. I was, I'm always itching to like, throw out a new idea. And when you're young, you don't really know how to navigate that as well, so. But I've just always been wired that way. I just love new material. So it's kind of nice that now it's caught up with me and it's it's an asset now where I know how to write a little faster. But yeah, I've just always been that way. I just like new ideas.

• 44:42Theo Von?

  Do you think like a lot of your ideas, because you all like, I'll say something to you like, man, I'm not feeling well. And you're like,

• 44:48Speaker 01

  What do you mean? You make it sound like?

• 44:49Theo Von?

  What if you work?

• 44:50Speaker 01

  Like I have some superpower, like I go in some fugue state when you mentioned something and I go, and the papers start turning. What if? I'm perplexed. I should I should mention to the guys, I've been perplexed the whole time.

• 45:03Theo Von?

  Dude, you're like, yeah, I'm not feeling like, dude, what if you weren't feeling well, but like, there was like a bunch of bad guys chasing you, but you have to not feel well and still get away from them, you know?

• 45:13Speaker 01

  I do do that.

• 45:14Theo Von?

  That's kind of a horrible example, I think.

• 45:15Speaker 01

  No, but you capture the energy and I guess I'm kind of reserved generally if I don't know you, but like, when something tickles me or I feel like I have a good idea or like we have a rapport, I've known you forever and we're just having fun. And there's, I just love a good idea. So I get excited and then I'm like doing it and I don't even know that I'm doing it. You know what I mean? Like,

• 45:35Theo Von?

  Yeah, that's what it seems like. It seems like this thing. It's almost like when you pour a beer and it's somebody like pours it too fast and it's just going to come out of the glass no matter what, right? That's how it seems like with you whenever there's like some like, it's like, it's almost like watching like an animal get excited. Kind of. It's like this, what about this? And then it's like, you try to slot it in and you always slot it in like the best places. And then you're, and you're not afraid to do act outs on stage either. Like you are not like, I mean, I know for a while you were doing, um, Lance Can't Stop.

• 46:03Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah.

• 46:04Theo Von?

  Can't Stop Us, the dancing, like the dancing shit was fucking crazy, bro. The, the, the, the rat tail, all that shit was great, dude.

• 46:13Speaker 01

  I had this weave. I did it the mothership, maybe like two years ago, but I don't do it as much anymore. What's funny is I booked this, I did a video game.

• 46:22Theo Von?

  Adam Ray's doing it now, though.

• 46:24Speaker 01

  Not Lance. He's doing a different thing.

• 46:26Theo Von?

  Oh, I'm joking. I thought, wouldn't it be great if now he's doing Lance Can't Stop Us?

• 46:30Speaker 01

  He's doing Dr. Phil as Lance. Like, hey, what's your name? Are you, are you two dating?

• 46:35Theo Von?

  Check out these dance moves.

• 46:38Theo Von?

  Dude, that's so great. But yeah, bro, just your, your ability to like not be like phys- I've always been physically fearful, right?

• 46:45Speaker 01

  Oh, really?

• 46:45Theo Von?

  Yeah. Like, I don't mind like, kind of like-

• 46:47Speaker 01

  You move, you move around.

• 46:49Theo Von?

  You know, like, taking like, ownership of the space, but to act out like something physically that like scares me, bro.

• 46:57Speaker 01

  I guess when I was a kid, I, like, dancing was my first thing. So when I would do talent shows and-

• 47:02Theo Von?

  What do you mean dancing? Like, who was-

• 47:04Speaker 01

  I just loved dancing.

• 47:05Theo Von?

  Who was funding it? You mean Hezbollah? Whatever, like, what even?

• 47:08Speaker 01

  Their dance wing? No, it was just, uh, I mean, I, I grew up with Michael Jackson. I'm the generation that just like, he was king. And he was at his peak, like, the dancing and the singing and all the music videos. So I would try to mimic it. And that was my first kind of, like, entry into- this is so old.

• 47:25Theo Von?

  It is?

• 47:26Speaker 01

  This is when I was working at Boeing and at Longbe- look at those pants. It's so old, those are in again.

• 47:32Theo Von?

  You look a little like Ari Manis. Bro, you fucking vibe it up, homie.

• 47:36Speaker 01

  I mean, this dancing is not that great. I wouldn't, I wouldn't have this as-

• 47:40Theo Von?

  We're keeping the wasps. They wanna stay and party, homie. Your shit is popping.

• 47:44Speaker 01

  I downloaded Sony Vegas and I'm just like putting all these filters on it because it's free. I think it's like industrial light and magic, like, check this out, George Lucas.

• 47:51Theo Von?

  When was this? All the filters, just like some hunter, like, looking through a scope, really? That's the crazy part.

• 47:57Speaker 01

  Now he has glaucoma, the hunter.

• 48:01Theo Von?

  Now he's envious.

• 48:02Speaker 01

  This song is a bop, though. If you watch it on real YouTube, that song's a bop.

• 48:06Theo Von?

  When was that? How many years ago?

• 48:07Speaker 01

  I don't know. So many years ago.

• 48:09Theo Von?

  Eighteen, bro. That's crazy, dude. That's wild.

• 48:13Speaker 01

  And then I would go to a cubicle and, and do engineering. Thank, thank God they didn't see my YouTube channel. How embarrassing would that be?

• 48:20Theo Von?

  So you were actually in organized dance?

• 48:22Speaker 01

  Not, no. That sounds so funny. Uh, I would just do it by myself. I'd be, I'd goon. I would dance goon. I would do it alone. I would just like close the door, turn on Michael Jackson or any dance music and I would, I would just dance in my room. I would dance in front of a mirror and there was a currency to that when I was a kid, like to be the best dancer at school. You'd have school dances and then everyone knew who the good dances were and then you'd kind of like battle. And there was social currency to dancing. I'm sure there still is.

• 48:51Theo Von?

  That's a good point, but there was a lot of clout to that. It was like, oh, yeah, dancer.

• 48:55Speaker 01

  It's like being the fastest kid at school. Remember how that was such a thing? Like the hottest girl would be with the fastest kid in school.

• 49:02Theo Von?

  Oh shit. Yeah. But like, oh shit, Damian fast.

• 49:04Speaker 01

  Right. And then he loses one race and she's like, it's not working out.

• 49:08Theo Von?

  Yeah. Or Damian gets diabetes or whatever and he can't run as much.

• 49:10Speaker 01

  That's gonna affect his, his 50 time, right?

• 49:13Theo Von?

  Yeah. The sugar got him coming up short.

• 49:15Speaker 01

  So I was just into dance. So I, I guess that's my foundation. So I'm comfortable moving my body.

• 49:19Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 49:19Speaker 01

  And then when I got into stand up, when I was like 18 and when I'm on stage, like if I have the idea, I just, I just do it. I don't even think about it. I don't have a fear of moving.

• 49:28Theo Von?

  That's crazy.

• 49:29Speaker 01

  And also it's an extension of the idea. If I have a bit and I'm in it, I don't even know that I'm doing it, honestly. Like it's second nature.

• 49:37Theo Von?

  Dude, that's pretty great because it kind of gives you two instruments. It gives you the verbal instrument and then it gives you this whole other instrument. I do notice if I do yoga a good bit, um, and the more that I do it, the more my body shows up in certain bits. And it's like, sometimes your brain will be like, oh, you can do this because you've been flexible. You've been keeping active like your shit. Like you're keeping your, like your blood up, your vibes up. Do this. You know what I'm saying? And you're like, oh, that fits. And it like, it is interesting when, uh, you can, your ideas can use your whole instrument.

• 50:07Speaker 01

  For sure. And then you realize how much of comedy is non-verbal even. It's really cool to have a great joke and people are laughing and then you can get another laugh on a movement. You haven't even opened your mouth. It's just the look or a walk. That's kind of exciting. Then it feels like, oh, I have new colors to, to paint with, with comedy, you know?

• 50:26Theo Von?

  Yeah, dude, that's, I mean, that's, I don't know it as well. I know what you're talking about. And there's moments, like there's some moments in my comedy where I'll, I'll feel that way.

• 50:33Speaker 01

  I've seen it. Um, I'm trying to think of this older bit you used to do, the, the meeting Brad Pitt.

• 50:39Theo Von?

  Oh, yeah.

• 50:40Speaker 01

  You would do it with that. I mean, you still do, you still do it. There are bits.

• 50:42Theo Von?

  I'll still act out the thing, but I'll be like, I don't get into, like, I don't know. You get into this space where it's like, yeah, you're just this kind of thing that's kind of happening. Um.

• 50:52Speaker 01

  I would love that as an intro, like this next guy is, he's a, he's kind of a thing that's happening. Not like in the trades order, like right now energetically. Ladies and gentlemen, Bohemian Or.

• 51:06Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 51:07Speaker 01

  I just come out.

• 51:08Theo Von?

  Oh, it definitely, dude, for one of your specials, you have to do somebody comes out, rubs a lamp three times.

• 51:13Speaker 01

  And then I come out. It's called, my, the special's called Career Suicide.

• 51:18Theo Von?

  Or you're just like the janitor that comes in at night and cleans up around the lamp. But then you start to create this energy in this dream. That, that would be more like you.

• 51:26Speaker 01

  Bro, we have two movie ideas this pod. We got the Goonies idea and then we got this.

• 51:30Theo Von?

  Yeah. Dude, there it is, Gooners, dude.

• 51:36Theo Von?

  That's so great.

• 51:39Theo Von?

  That's awesome. Yeah, dude. Um, yeah, man. Do you feel like, uh, cause you've had, I mean, like, yeah, I think if people picked out like some of their favorite comedians, especially at the Comedy Store, cause that's really kind of your home base, would you say?

• 51:56Speaker 01

  Yeah, cause I'm an LA comic and that's sort of like the place to be. There's three showrooms. I like working out there, too.

• 52:01Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 52:02Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 52:02Theo Von?

  Oh, it really is. There's no better, if you can go to one spot in a night.

• 52:04Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 52:05Theo Von?

  And especially once you're allowed to park in the back.

• 52:06Speaker 01

  Oh, it's the best.

• 52:07Theo Von?

  Oh, that changes everything.

• 52:08Speaker 01

  Free parking? It's like I got in the stand up just for the parking on Sunset Strip.

• 52:11Theo Von?

  Yeah. Um, how, you always hear like, people say comedy in LA has changed. LA's like the, the scene is dead, the scene is different, right? Maybe not dead, I think you just hear different.

• 52:22Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 52:23Theo Von?

  Um, how, how have you seen it change? Like probably since COVID into now? And like, what do you think of like, just where things are?

• 52:31Speaker 01

  Uh, I mean, we were in the heyday of the Comedy Store and we didn't even know it before COVID happened, you know? Like Rogan was there, uh.

• 52:40Theo Von?

  Joey Diaz.

• 52:41Speaker 01

  Yeah, it was just juggernaut after juggernaut. These lineups were insane.

• 52:44Theo Von?

  Tom Segura, Burr, I mean, Whitney Cummings, Eliza Schlesinger. Um, I mean, and that was, that was just like kind of people that were just there. You, and then you have, uh.

• 52:53Speaker 01

  But I was, I was.

• 52:54Theo Von?

  Owen Smith.

• 52:55Speaker 01

  I was like middle of the, like, these guys are fucking like titans. I was just kind of, it was kind of cool just to share that space. I'm still an unknown, but comedically and artistically, it's cool to be in the mix. Like Louis drops in or Burr and then I go up after him. That's, that's the thrill of the store that like, at the end of the day, it still is, it's like being good at something like a really good saxophone player. It's like jazz. You'll see somebody who's just like huge and then you get to take the stage and. You're there for a reason and you have to like survive. You have to learn how to survive when you're younger, but then you get to hold your own. And that's cool because like audience members get to be hip to you. They're like, I came for Burr, but then I discovered these other comics.

• 53:36Theo Von?

  That guy.

• 53:37Speaker 01

  And that happens now at the store too. There's like young guys who are super funny.

• 53:40Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 53:40Speaker 01

  And then they come because like they come to see you and then they get to see everybody else on the lineup. So we were in the heyday back then. Covid happened. People go to Austin, some people go to New York, some people just like go to Vegas or Nashville even, you know? So it's not as big as it used to be. It's pared down a bit, but it's still an amazing club and the shows are still really good.

• 54:00Theo Von?

  For sure.

• 54:01Speaker 01

  It's just that was insanity and we didn't even know it at the time.

• 54:04Theo Von?

  Right. We didn't know it. Do you think, what things do you feel like, because you always hear like people denouncing it kind of. Not denouncing, that's not a term, but you hear like.

• 54:11Speaker 01

  Like it's over, LA's over.

• 54:12Theo Von?

  Right. Is that okay to say that we hear that?

• 54:14Speaker 01

  We do hear it.

• 54:15Theo Von?

  But what do you, but it's also every time something's over, whatever that is, there's always something new that's starting to. So like, what do you see that's like kind of the new things? Because I'm sure for like a lot of guys that couldn't get stage time.

• 54:26Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 54:27Theo Von?

  Like, um, it was probably a hectic time for them, guys and girls that couldn't get stage time like fuck, you know? It's like, yeah, you have all these guys who are able to sell tickets and they get all the, all the, like the top eight spots or whatever. And, and it's, I'm sure that was kind of like a clog in the system.

• 54:42Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 54:42Theo Von?

  I don't know if that's the right term.

• 54:43Speaker 01

  But I think there's a life cycle for everything. It's, it's nature.

• 54:46Theo Von?

  That's what I mean.

• 54:47Speaker 01

  These guys, I even saw it with you and some of like my other peers, like we're kind of middling comics or whatever. And then you see everybody get really big and then they're on the road. And that's awesome because they're, they're getting popular, they're making money on the road, they're becoming more famous. And then that just naturally clears up stage time for this top tier at the Comedy Store. Because like you're on the road, so like so and so's on the road, like a girl or whatever. So now, now these guys get to get those reps in. And then they get really good and then they blast off. So there's this natural order of things. So when everybody went to like Austin and all that, it just kind of cleared space for the next tier. And now they're getting really good and stuff. And then hopefully they will flourish.

• 55:28Theo Von?

  Yeah, I'm sure. Yeah, yeah, just like. Yeah, I think there's always something new that's starting. So I guess that's what I was kind of wondering since I because I moved away, I was wondering like, yeah, what kind of like, do you feel like there's like a new thing that's happened there over the past few years?

• 55:42Speaker 01

  Just new shots for like younger guys and also LA will always be LA. New York will always be New York. It'll ebb and flow from like how popping it is, but like, you know, Dua Lipa's in the crowd.

• 55:54Theo Von?

  Right.

• 55:54Speaker 01

  Or Sabrina Carpenter's in the, you know, like these things happen. It's still LA.

• 55:59Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 55:59Speaker 01

  Same thing with New York. So you like, can't take that away from it. And yeah, it's everything cyclical. But then I also the recent development, I think is just as cool as that is, digital is the most important place to be. Before you had to be in New York and LA. Now you just got to be on phones. So it's, it's kind of cool how it's, it's democratized comedy.

• 56:19Theo Von?

  Hmm.

• 56:20Speaker 01

  Now you can be a funny kid in Clear Lake, Iowa, or, or anywhere and just talking to camera and you have just as much of a shot as like me at the Comedy Store or some other person at the, at the mothership or so it's really even the playing field, which is, which is kind of cool. The most important place is digital. But if you're talking about just stand up the craft, I think LA, New York, Austin are still great.

• 56:43Theo Von?

  Yeah. You ever realize that you spent your entire morning thinking about lunch? It's 9:00 AM and somehow I'm already in negotiations with myself about how I'm gonna spend $20 on a sandwich at noon. And then I eat it or you eat it or who somebody eats it. And then an hour later, you're just standing in the kitchen worrying about what you'll do for dinner. And that's one reason why I've been into Huell. The Black Edition Powder is a complete meal you have instead of food, not a shake on top of food. Their powder starts at less than $3 per meal, has 40 grams of protein, and mixes with water or milk in about 30 seconds. I like Huell's shakes because they're clean and it's quick.

• 57:27Theo Von?

  Sometimes it may, I just, I would just want to make sure I have everything I need to keep going the way I want to keep going in a healthy manner. So with Huell, basically lunch went from a daily logistical problem to a thing I can solve in about 30 seconds. Make healthy eating simple. New customers get an exclusive offer of 15% off online with my code WEEKEND at huell.com/weekend. That's H U E L dot com slash weekend. Thank you to Huell for partnering and supporting our show. You know what's a pain in the ass? A website. Not just getting one built, but keeping it updated, fixing the issues, the debugging,

• 58:10Theo Von?

  chasing somebody down every time something breaks that gets old fast. That's why I use Modify, M O D I P H Y. Yep, a fellow that I grew up with actually started this company. And so I'm grateful that I get to work with him still today. At Modify, you get a real team, a dedicated designer, fast response times, and they handle everything so you don't have to. They can even get your business showing up when people ask AI for recommendations. They've got that ability. Go to modiphy.com/theo and get 50% off your website build.

• 58:50Theo Von?

  That's M O D I P H Y dot com slash Theo. There's no F in there because they don't F around. Who's one of your favorite people that you've seen just being at the Comedy Store? And sometimes we'll get to see like celebrities or something will come in there?

• 59:06Speaker 01

  Yeah, I saw.

• 59:08Theo Von?

  Tarantino night, you were there, remember? You got to talk to him, didn't you?

• 59:11Speaker 01

  He's, he's in, I shot that special hat trick at the Comedy Store. And then the person who was shooting me had the cameras rolling. So I have it on film, me and Tarantino talking. And then I was going to clear it with him, but I go, I don't want him to say no. So I'll just put it out there.

• 59:29Theo Von?

  What if he was saying bad stuff like, you know, I'm eating babies, right? I'm eating them. I'm getting their life force.

• 59:34Speaker 01

  And I'm like, this is great, keep rolling. No, just super nice, super complimentary. It might've been the night you were there too.

• 59:41Theo Von?

  I think I was, I tried to go up and I kept getting pushed to a different room.

• 59:45Speaker 01

  So I think you brought me up in the OR and had a good set. And it was just so surreal. Tarantino comes out and he's like, I want to talk to the cool guy. And he points to me.

• 59:55Theo Von?

  What?

• 59:56Speaker 01

  And then we're just talking, then all these other comedians come and he's holding court. He's talking about. Pam Grier and Jackie Brown, because he's just a fan. He's a fan of comedy. He's a fan of cinema. He just has this childlike exuberance to him.

• 1:00:09Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:00:10Speaker 01

  So we were just talking and he's in the thing and we ended up keeping it in, but it was so surreal. That was probably one of the bigger ones, Tarantino.

• 1:00:17Theo Von?

  Yeah, I just remember even the wake of that night, he's here. Oh, and Jim Carrey was there. That was a crazy night.

• 1:00:21Speaker 01

  Was that when they were trying to cast for I'm Dying Up Here?

• 1:00:24Theo Von?

  Yes.

• 1:00:24Speaker 01

  And, and that's how Santino got cast and Eric Griffin, he saw, he saw them that day?

• 1:00:29Theo Von?

  Yep. It's kind of crazy. Somebody could just see you and then something like that happens and they end up on.

• 1:00:34Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:00:34Theo Von?

  There you go, dude. Yeah. Those were great. If I ever, Chris Rock is ever coming. I remember when Louis came in years ago and he was like in the hallway and he was wearing, it was like after like the, the Academy Awards or whatever, and he had on a suit and I was like, dang Louis.

• 1:00:49Speaker 01

  That's so crazy.

• 1:00:50Theo Von?

  And it was like.

• 1:00:51Speaker 01

  I saw Travolta one time in the parking lot.

• 1:00:54Theo Von?

  Really, dude?

• 1:00:55Speaker 01

  He was just hanging with Tommy Lee, you know, Tommy Lee, I, I've seen him a few times, you know?

• 1:00:59Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:00:59Speaker 01

  It's cool, but I've been accustomed to it. So I'm jaded with Tommy Lee. Uh, but, but every now and then Tommy Lee will like a reel of mine and it's just so surreal. I'm like, whoa.

• 1:01:10Theo Von?

  That's dope, dude.

• 1:01:11Speaker 01

  What world is this?

• 1:01:12Theo Von?

  He and I were just texting the other day. He's doing real well and it's like, so we were talking about our recovery programs. He's fucking, what a life some people, or what a just interesting existence, but the highs and lows of it all too.

• 1:01:24Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:01:25Theo Von?

  You know?

• 1:01:25Speaker 01

  Dre, I saw Dre one time in the parking lot.

• 1:01:28Theo Von?

  You saw Dr. Dre?

• 1:01:31Speaker 01

  Who's the biggest you saw?

• 1:01:32Theo Von?

  Uh, or you saw Andre Iguodala?

• 1:01:38Speaker 01

  Yeah, that's, that's what I tell people. I go, I saw Dre. They go, holy shit. Iguodala? I'm the only person who calls him Dre, other than his mom, maybe? I call him Dr. Dre, just because I think he's a doctor of basketball.

• 1:01:53Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:01:56Speaker 01

  Who's the biggest person you saw at the store?

• 1:01:58Theo Von?

  I mean, John Mayer, when I would see him someone, that was always interesting, because I've always like had such an esteem for his like word, like the way he does words, like, you know.

• 1:02:09Speaker 01

  I saw him walking down one time, because he would go to roast battle a lot.

• 1:02:12Theo Von?

  Yeah, and he'd be like, him and Jeff Ross are close and stuff, and so I know I'd see him over there.

• 1:02:16Speaker 01

  Oh, I ate shit in front of John Stamos one time.

• 1:02:18Theo Von?

  Phew, that would hurt.

• 1:02:19Speaker 01

  Yeah, it was late at night, this is when I first got passed, so I'm getting super late spots at the Comedy Store, probably going up at 1:30 a.m. I think Jeff Ross is hanging, so he comes with Jeff Ross sometimes, Jeff Ross and then Stamos. And maybe they tied one on, I think they'd been like, maybe they came, yeah, yeah, so he was eating chicken fingers, and it's his back. So I'm not even, I'm not even getting full Stamos, I'm getting, I'm getting back Stamos.

• 1:02:45Theo Von?

  Oh.

• 1:02:46Speaker 01

  And then I would get this every now and then, and then back to the finger. And like, ah, ah, hey guys, oh, you ever noticed, noticed this?

• 1:02:58Theo Von?

  Bro, that's crazy. Damn, at least he checked back in.

• 1:03:03Speaker 01

  That is nice.

• 1:03:04Theo Von?

  Sometimes they'll sit a blind guy to save money, they'll sit a blind guy by the side of the stage, just facing away from the stage and shit, like, sometimes they do that shit, I'm like.

• 1:03:11Speaker 01

  Point him towards you, let me believe.

• 1:03:14Theo Von?

  Yeah, dude.

• 1:03:14Speaker 01

  Let me believe he's checking me out.

• 1:03:17Theo Von?

  Fuck, he's just sitting over here like a broken compass over here, dude. Um, I'm trying to think of who else that I saw there, oh dude, I remember they said the guy, remember that show, uh, Family Matters?

• 1:03:29Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:03:29Theo Von?

  Remember the cop?

• 1:03:31Speaker 01

  Oh, Winslow.

• 1:03:32Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:03:33Speaker 01

  Carl Winslow.

• 1:03:33Theo Von?

  Carl Winslow.

• 1:03:34Speaker 01

  That's not his real name, right? That's his character name?

• 1:03:36Theo Von?

  Carl Winslow, they said that his, uh, grandson, like his, Reginald Vel Johnson. Uh, they said his grandson was in the audience one time, and people were like losing their shit, I'm like. And I was so nervous. I hadn't, I had like not.

• 1:03:51Speaker 01

  That's so funny.

• 1:03:52Theo Von?

  Bro, I had not been on.

• 1:03:53Speaker 01

  Over the Family Matters cop being in the crowd?

• 1:03:56Theo Von?

  His grandson.

• 1:03:57Speaker 01

  Oh, his grandson, though.

• 1:03:57Theo Von?

  And so, but it was like the first time I was in, I was like, dude, fucking RVJ's grandson is in the crowd. And at first I was like, who the, yeah, I couldn't figure out RVJ, you know? I thought it was just somebody who was dumb and was trying to talk about a politician or whatever. And then they're like, no, Reginald Vel Johnson, dude, the cop from Family Matters, his grandson is here. And I was like, fuck, I'm gonna fuck it. And I remember pacing backstage, being so, just like, I just couldn't handle that. There was like somebody who like knew somebody from TV that was in the fucking crowd. And I fucking bombed.

• 1:04:27Speaker 01

  You blew it? You go, oh, no.

• 1:04:28Theo Von?

  Oh, I bombed, dude. My favorite moment that ever happened, one of anyway. Spade telling me that he thought something was really funny one time was awesome.

• 1:04:39Theo Von?

  But one time Damon Wayans was there.

• 1:04:41Speaker 01

  Oh, wow.

• 1:04:42Theo Von?

  And Senior.

• 1:04:43Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:04:44Theo Von?

  From In Living Color, and I grew up listening to him.

• 1:04:46Speaker 01

  Same here, man.

• 1:04:48Theo Von?

  Just like he has this one, like, it's a laugh sound that he makes. It's like only he makes it. And it's not even a laugh, it's just like a.

• 1:04:59Theo Von?

  Something like that, dude, it sounds like a fucking, a bird that's like semi-interested, right? Like a beautiful bird that's semi-interested. But during my set, I heard him make that laugh that I had, I'd heard him use as a character from when I was a kid. And bro, it was just so, it was crazy to me. Like, one thing I said.

• 1:05:17Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:05:17Theo Von?

  He laughed at, or he made that sound at it. And that was enough. I was like.

• 1:05:21Speaker 01

  It's such validation.

• 1:05:22Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:05:23Speaker 01

  Cause we grew up with these guys and they were everything to us. Even, even just being on a show with Spade or just talking to Spade. That was my era of SNL. Spade, Sandler, Farley. That's why I got into stand-up comedy.

• 1:05:37Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:05:38Speaker 01

  For real. I love that show so much, SNL. Everyone can make it on social media now. Everything's fractured so much. But back in the day, if you wanted to do anything in comedy, you had to touch SNL.

• 1:05:48Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:05:48Speaker 01

  So that was everything. That was TikTok. That was Instagram. Anything comedy was SNL. That was Mount Rushmore. And I go, I want to do this. I want to work in this space. How do you get on SNL? I fired up my modem.

• 1:06:03Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:06:04Speaker 01

  And I unspooled it like fucking dynamite to plug into the wall. Yeah. It was a controlled demolition to get on the internet.

• 1:06:13Theo Von?

  And you applied to Boeing, right? You're like, I'll show them.

• 1:06:16Speaker 01

  Well, pretty much though, because I researched, I go, how do people get on SNL? And I saw that they came from one of two camps. They came from improv comedy. So Second City, UCB, Groundlings, you know, Yes and In, creating these scenes. Or they were stand up comedians like Kevin Nealon, Sandler, Schneider, Spade, Eddie Murphy. They're all stand ups. So then I researched all the improv schools like UCB and Second City. I'm some kid in Seattle. I'm like, what are these schools? Okay, they're all in LA, New York, Chicago. I'm not there. I can't do that. You have to pay money to do it. My parents already don't want me to be doing comedy. It's like clown college. They're already against it. I can't say I'm going to pay money to go to clown college. And then stand up, I go, oh, I'll do that.

• 1:07:01Speaker 01

  Cause I just got to show up and I get as much as I get out of it. Or I get as much as I put into it and I can count on me. I don't need improv partners. I can just.

• 1:07:09Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:07:09Speaker 01

  Yeah, you, you get everything as a stand up. Whatever you put in, you get out if you have the aptitude for it. So that's why I got into stand up, because I wanted to get on SNL. So it's so crazy to be at the store and then just talking to Spade.

• 1:07:21Theo Von?

  I know.

• 1:07:21Speaker 01

  I remember being a little kid, sitting cross legged, watching the TV and thinking, Spade lived in a box. Spade lived in a magic box.

• 1:07:30Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:07:31Speaker 01

  And now he's writing down notes before going on stage and then bringing me up in the OR. And it's not lost on me. It's, it's, it's crazy, this timeline that we're on.

• 1:07:39Theo Von?

  Yeah, I know. It's hard to, it's hard to like, it's such a, just a good reminder to think about. Yeah, like, um, just to also that all the humor that's come before you, all the, or whatever line of work you're in, all the things that have come before you, like.

• 1:07:56Theo Von?

  Like whether you're a mechanic, you're using like a new type of like ranch or some sort of new piece of equipment or something like people were mechanics for years doing that and got to that place or like some machine that makes your job easier or some new way of doing it or like, I don't know. Yeah, just you forget that like all these people have gone up over time on stage to try and say something or whatever, to try and get somebody to feel something or them to feel something or you to feel something.

• 1:08:20Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:08:21Theo Von?

  I don't know if any of that makes sense.

• 1:08:22Speaker 01

  Now that you're all part of this timeline, you're all part of this and they happen to be a generation or so above and then you don't know at the time when you're a kid, but then you do the same thing for long enough and then you become a part of that fabric and they were just people like you were at the beginning, but at a different phase of their becoming a butterfly or whatever it is. And what's mind blowing too is these guys that I just thought were titans of comedy and could do no wrong and were blowing my mind to learn as you get older that they were afraid of being fired week to week on SNL, to hear Spade talk about that or or Norm would talk about, oh yeah, we thought we're gonna get fired or even Sandler, they thought about firing Sandler? You go, what?

• 1:09:05Theo Von?

  Yeah, or Chris Farley. I mean, yeah, just that any of them sat in that place like.

• 1:09:10Speaker 01

  That they were having self doubt like that during what I thought was just the pinnacle and peak of comedy. I thought they were crushing it so hard and and they were worried. That's mind blowing and then almost validating for the feelings you have because I have that sometimes and I go, oh, that's just a human experience. Sometimes you think that there's celebrities and everything's gravy because that's the packaging, that's what you portray, that gets jobs. But then everyone is having a human experience inside of it and it makes you feel less alone. Like, oh, okay. Even Spade and Sandler felt what I'm feeling right now.

• 1:09:45Theo Von?

  Right. Even they were taking a breath like, what do I do next? Or what's gonna happen now?

• 1:09:49Speaker 01

  Yeah. Am I gonna get fired? Was that good? I hope people will like it.

• 1:09:55Theo Von?

  Yeah, same exact three things. It's like, yeah, those are questions I've asked myself since I've really joined the workforce at 14.

• 1:10:03Speaker 01

  Really? What was your first job?

• 1:10:04Theo Von?

  Um, my first job, I saw hamsters, but my adult first job was working in, um. In Italian pizza.

• 1:10:13Speaker 01

  Ah.

• 1:10:15Theo Von?

  Worked at pizza, worked in pizza for a while.

• 1:10:16Speaker 01

  What was the name of it?

• 1:10:17Theo Von?

  Huh? BJ's.

• 1:10:18Speaker 01

  BJ's?

• 1:10:19Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:10:19Speaker 01

  Wait, the chain?

• 1:10:20Theo Von?

  No.

• 1:10:21Speaker 01

  It's a different BJ's?

• 1:10:23Theo Von?

  That's the crazy part.

• 1:10:26Theo Von?

  We were like an outlier BJ's and it's supposed to, it's supposed to still for Black Jacks, but people would get drunk in there and just start yelling blowjobs at us kids who were working the counter, right? And we'd make up fake orders for pizza deliveries like Danny Glover wants a pizza because our, our guy who delivered was a born again Christian. He didn't watch television or any movies, so he didn't know any celebrities at all. So we'd make up like Danny Glover wants a pizza out on Old Military Road. So he'd go deliver that bitch while he was gone, just drives, no way for him to fucking connect to us while he's gone. So for 30 minutes he's gone, we'd be deep frying fucking beer, dude. We would pour beer, deep fry it, fucking eat it. We'd get hammered, dude, and he'd come back and be like, couldn't find the address, you know?

• 1:11:05Speaker 01

  Hmm.

• 1:11:06Theo Von?

  Oh, well.

• 1:11:07Speaker 01

  Oh, well.

• 1:11:08Theo Von?

  Um, but anyway, we're rambling, um.

• 1:11:13Speaker 01

  Um, here's an old lineup from the Comedy Store, uh.

• 1:11:16Theo Von?

  Oh, yeah. Here's just a great lineup right here.

• 1:11:20Theo Von?

  Thank you, there's Fang Chow, Adam Ray, Argus Hamilton, Owen Smith, Jeff Ross. Who is?

• 1:11:27Speaker 01

  Well, should we be giving, maybe we should black that out because she, it's a super famous person who doesn't use their real name. So let's maybe black that out when we.

• 1:11:35Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:11:36Speaker 01

  Air it.

• 1:11:36Theo Von?

  And if you black it out, and if you, if you, if you do black it out and want to put a name over it, you could put, um, Ali Wong.

• 1:11:50Theo Von?

  Who else we got? Rick Ingram, Andrew Santino, uh, you and me right there, bro. Dude, is there anything like kind of scary or funny or like just all of it? Whenever like you get to bring you like, like when you're set over, it's kind of like a relief moment and then you get to bring somebody else up. It's like, it's like getting out of the pool and drying off and knowing you pee.

• 1:12:12Speaker 01

  Uh huh.

• 1:12:12Theo Von?

  You know?

• 1:12:13Speaker 01

  Well, that's a skill you have to learn because not a lot of places do tag team like this. So when you first, when you get past there, you have to get used to it because most shows have an MC. And you do your time and the MC comes up and then brings up the next person. This is all, you go up, bring somebody else up. They bring the next person up. So you have to get in that mode of like, my set's over. Now I've got to turn into host mode. It's like Agent Smith, like, alright, this next guy, you know, you do your, you do your last joke and you go, how's everybody doing? Fantastic. The show keeps getting better. And you don't know how to do that when you're young.

• 1:12:45Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:12:45Speaker 01

  But then you've, you've been there so long now, you finish a set, you're like, alright, this next guy is hilarious. You're gonna love him, he man war. And then it's just very cool to go up after each other.

• 1:12:54Theo Von?

  Yeah. Yeah, dude. It is magic and just to get to be in a place where you see other people and stuff like that, you know? Where you see a lot of people and see what's going on.

• 1:13:03Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:13:03Theo Von?

  It was like a place to be too at night. It was like, it was like, okay, I don't, I don't need to be at a nightclub. I never knew any of the nightclubs that were popping or any of that stuff.

• 1:13:10Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:13:11Theo Von?

  Cause I just didn't know. It was like, I know that that's where I'll be.

• 1:13:13Speaker 01

  You know what's so weird? I know, like the nightclub scene, I never went and it's weird because I dance. So people think like, you must go to nightclubs all the time. Like I don't, it's so weird being good at dancing and then hating going to a nightclub. I have a private relationship with dance. I want to, I want to dance in my room. I don't want to go to some like laser place.

• 1:13:31Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:13:32Speaker 01

  And, and like dance, that's not fun for me.

• 1:13:35Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:13:36Speaker 01

  I like dancing by myself.

• 1:13:37Theo Von?

  Yeah, while some trans mailman's over there trying to fucking drop something in your drink, you know? It's like, oh, I got an overnight for you.

• 1:13:44Speaker 01

  Yeah, I mean, that looks like fun, but I don't, I don't want to do that.

• 1:13:47Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:13:48Speaker 01

  Good for Jon Hamm.

• 1:13:50Speaker 01

  But that's not really my speed.

• 1:13:52Theo Von?

  Dude. So I don't forget, how much, how great was it though? Michael Jackson, bro. Growing up during the Michael Jackson era.

• 1:14:00Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:14:05Speaker 01

  It took me a while to realize what song you were singing. I'm like, this is a Theo remix.

• 1:14:09Theo Von?

  Me too, because I don't remember. I remember like a little bit of all of them though. It's like.

• 1:14:19Theo Von?

  Black or white.

• 1:14:19Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:14:20Theo Von?

  Bro, when black or white came out.

• 1:14:22Speaker 01

  Early AI.

• 1:14:27Theo Von?

  Bro, that shit was so good, dude.

• 1:14:29Speaker 01

  Remember those videos coming out too? It would, it'd be like a, a movie coming out, the world premiere of Black or White. Sitting down in front of the TV. Wasn't Macaulay Culkin, he like got it going, like, yeah.

• 1:14:41Theo Von?

  Yeah, bro. Black or white, when did it premiere? Let's look at it. Michael Jackson biopic, Michael, first reactions, that's, oh, that's coming out in April 22nd?

• 1:14:51Speaker 03

  Yeah, that just came out.

• 1:14:52Theo Von?

  Oh, it just came out? Did we do better than it at the movie theater this week?

• 1:14:56Speaker 03

  It wasn't for this week.

• 1:14:57Speaker 01

  Says Bust Boys crushes Michael.

• 1:14:59Speaker 03

  I've got that thing memorized, though.

• 1:15:00Theo Von?

  Respect. We did best for like, for highest independent.

• 1:15:03Speaker 01

  Dude, I saw, congrats, man. I saw the weekend.

• 1:15:06Theo Von?

  You think it's weird to put that out there to people, or is that kind of like, put out like, this is how much we did for the week, or whatever?

• 1:15:10Speaker 01

  I think just showing what it is and being like blessed, like, I mean, it is really cool that the fans showed up like that.

• 1:15:18Theo Von?

  Oh, we'll never make our money back.

• 1:15:19Speaker 01

  No, I think you will on streaming and stuff, because that's pretty good. I read it was pretty good for an independent, like.

• 1:15:26Speaker 03

  Per screen, it was fourth highest of all movies last weekend, per screen.

• 1:15:30Theo Von?

  Let's go, dude. I didn't even know that. Um, Michael Jackson's black or white music video premiered November 14th, 1991 as a massive global event. Directed by John Landis, the 11-minute short film aired simultaneously in 27 to 69 countries with an estimated 500 million viewers. Bro.

• 1:15:50Speaker 01

  Man.

• 1:15:51Theo Von?

  People forget, that was when.

• 1:15:54Speaker 01

  500?

• 1:15:55Theo Von?

  We were all like, it felt like every, you could meet somebody from another language, even somebody that was in a coma, and you could at least, you both knew.

• 1:16:03Speaker 01

  Yeah, you knew Michael. Like, you couldn't speak the language, but then you like grab your dick, and it goes, oh, me, me too. Me, me too. You, me. And then he would lean.

• 1:16:12Theo Von?

  Yeah. You, you too?

• 1:16:15Speaker 01

  I, I love watching old Michael Jackson tour footage. Because it's just, it's just so fun to watch, and, uh, because he was the biggest thing on earth. And you'll see like European 35-year-old men fainting, like.

• 1:16:28Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:16:28Speaker 01

  My god, my god. Literally getting gurnied out. Did this guy, this guy went by himself? He went with his bro? Like, I would have to get a new job or something.

• 1:16:38Theo Von?

  His brother's waiting in the car, probably.

• 1:16:40Speaker 01

  Yeah, like, yes.

• 1:16:42Theo Von?

  Yeah, there it is, right there.

• 1:16:43Speaker 01

  Who's doing this to people today?

• 1:16:46Theo Von?

  Nobody. Maybe Bieber?

• 1:16:49Speaker 01

  Yeah, but, but, I mean, not to this degree.

• 1:16:51Theo Von?

  Not like this.

• 1:16:51Speaker 01

  No one's doing that. And look how old they are. Bieber is, they're younger. These are like 40-year-old, they have a family.

• 1:16:57Theo Von?

  Yeah, this is someone.

• 1:16:59Speaker 01

  This is someone's grandpa. And he's just standing there. He's just standing there and they're fainting. Like they, imagine paying all this money to go see Michael Jackson and he's standing like a statue and you, you wake up in the hospital. You spent, you spent all that money? And they go, where's Michael? They go, Michael left. He's in Barcelona now.

• 1:17:22Speaker 01

  I saw him remove his glasses and that's all I remember. Well, he, he did all his songs and he glided. I miss it.

• 1:17:30Theo Von?

  Yeah, you miss it again.

• 1:17:32Speaker 01

  Every time. He's like, I swear I won't faint this time.

• 1:17:36Theo Von?

  Yeah, he promises his whole family he won't faint. He wears something like, like.

• 1:17:40Speaker 01

  A neck brace.

• 1:17:41Theo Von?

  Yeah, something to keep his blood like.

• 1:17:43Speaker 01

  In the, like clock records?

• 1:17:44Theo Von?

  Yeah, he tapes his eyes open. He's like, not this time.

• 1:17:48Speaker 01

  He has like three mortgages to pay for these Michael Jackson tickets that he always faints through?

• 1:17:54Theo Von?

  Dude, God, Michael Jackson was a thing. And that was one thing at school that all the kids could do, like.

• 1:18:00Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 1:18:04Speaker 01

  It was more about the dancing. Kids weren't trying to like out Michael sing each other. We weren't like.

• 1:18:12Speaker 01

  It was more about the moonwalk.

• 1:18:14Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:18:14Speaker 01

  We didn't come to like recess like.

• 1:18:19Theo Von?

  Dude, you had the moonwalk. My shit was a little bit more like the Pluto fucking shuffle boy. My shit was fucking. My shit had a limp and a hell of a bit of swag in it. I gotta remember this story. I just heard this story actually today. It was like a secondhand story. That one time Mike Tyson and Michael Jackson.

• 1:18:34Theo Von?

  They went out together, like just all they were going out in the town and uh, Michael had a bunch of chicks with him. Michael Jackson had a bunch of chicks with him. And Tyson was like, hey, which one of these girls is with you? Just so in case I'm flirting with one or whatever. And Michael Jackson told him, uh, they're all with me. Get your own bitches. That's what he told him.

• 1:18:51Speaker 01

  For real?

• 1:18:52Theo Von?

  That's what I heard and I really heard that.

• 1:18:55Speaker 01

  Wow.

• 1:18:55Theo Von?

  I heard that. I actually heard it today.

• 1:18:57Speaker 01

  I just love hearing that story like through the filter of his voice. He's like, they're all with me. Get your own bitches.

• 1:19:06Speaker 01

  It is funny. They both kind of have similar falsetto voices.

• 1:19:09Theo Von?

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:19:09Speaker 01

  Hey, Michael, how many of these? Can I, I don't want to step on any toes. They're all my bitches. Get your own, Iron Mike. That's on call for Mike. That's on call for Mike.

• 1:19:22Speaker 04

  Whatever, Mike.

• 1:19:23Speaker 01

  This is the battle of falsetto mics.

• 1:19:26Theo Von?

  Bro, you didn't even have to have any friends, I bet, when you were a kid, dude. You're just fucking doing your own thing.

• 1:19:32Speaker 01

  Well, I get the idea, but I mean, I don't, I don't eat breakfast and I'm just like talking to myself in the, like, this is fun, because we're just like riffing and shit, but I'm not eating Cheerios. I'm like, what if, what if I'm instead of Cheerios, I'm eating?

• 1:19:46Theo Von?

  Do you notice, so you, so you, so your imagination must be pretty active. You probably have an active imagination. I think that's the same thing to say. Do you notice there's things that kind of dim it, kind of? Or do you notice, have you ever noticed certain times in your life or like kind of periods like that you've gone through? Or even like things you've like, or activities, something you've engaged in over time, where you're like, that, I notice that that takes away, like it kind of dims like my brain's ability or medication even. I'm just asking, it's curious, because we never think about like what we do and how it affects our imagination.

• 1:20:13Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah. I mean, I'm, I'm very personality and energy based. Like if I feel comfortable and safe, I can have fun and be, these ideas will come to me and I feel comfortable sharing them. But if I, if I don't know someone as well, I'm, I just find, it's happened enough times where I'm like kind of reserved and I go in and I'm not, I'm not so forthcoming with ideas or whatever. I'm just kind of like in, in myself. So I have to have, because I think at the end of the day, I am an introvert, even though I do stand up. So it's kind of weird if you're at a party and they're like, you're, you're a stand up? And I know, I'm not really talking or anything.

• 1:20:50Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:20:50Speaker 01

  But in my mind, I'm like, I don't, I don't know you. You know? It's just, I, maybe some people have a stereotype of what a stand up comedian is, where they're at a party and they're like, how much does a polar bear weigh? Wait, enough to break the ice. I'm a behemoth, I do, oh, got your nose. You know, I just kind of lay in the cut, because I don't know anybody.

• 1:21:09Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:21:10Speaker 01

  And I'll latch on to whoever I know, but I'm not like a social butterfly and I'll observe and all that. But I can't have real fun unless I, I'm accustomed to you and I know you and we have history.

• 1:21:19Theo Von?

  Yeah, there's some comfortability.

• 1:21:21Speaker 01

  Then my creativity can, can come out. Um, so I just noticed that. Yeah. So it's kind of like energy based. Even doing Rogan, like Rogan's so awesome. He's afforded me a career, like you a career. So many of our peers owe so much to him. Like I'm able to tour and like make a living and stuff and it's awesome. But I, I, I just, I don't know him as well as I know you and that show is so big and stuff and I feel like I can't be as me as, as I can with you. You know what I mean? Cause he's also an elder. He's a, he's a few generations above me in stand up. So I feel like I can't be as silly as maybe, but then you're a silly guy too.

• 1:22:01Theo Von?

  Well, yeah. And I mean, Joe's probably, he's probably only one generation ahead of us and maybe that.

• 1:22:05Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:22:06Theo Von?

  But he likes information and he's like.

• 1:22:07Speaker 01

  Wants to figure things out.

• 1:22:08Theo Von?

  Yeah. Joe's like a learner.

• 1:22:10Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:22:10Theo Von?

  You know, like the rest of us are out here. The rest of us are most of the time out here kind of gooning around.

• 1:22:15Speaker 01

  What about South American wasps?

• 1:22:17Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:22:17Speaker 01

  What's your take on that?

• 1:22:18Theo Von?

  But Joe's like a, he's generally like a curious dude. Like he's like super curious and he really is. And this guy, he remembers everything. That's gotta be almost, I wonder if that's almost hectic sometimes.

• 1:22:31Speaker 01

  And to retain all that information, I'm so envious of guys like, like Rogan who know so much or Dave Smith or Tim Dillon. They're so well read and worldly.

• 1:22:39Theo Von?

  Me too.

• 1:22:39Speaker 01

  And I'm like, it'd be funny if some guy fainted on a Michael Jackson. It's just, I feel so dumb.

• 1:22:46Theo Von?

  But it's just different, you know? We need Joe to like, you need somebody that was just gonna interview everybody. Like I'm gonna talk to every single person. I'm not gonna have too much say so in it or anything, you know? I always think he's done a pretty good job of staying unbiased about stuff like, and then sometimes he steps in when he feel like, you know, he tries to like, like we all do, like say, this is really how I feel about something. I was on a show a couple of weeks ago and people were giving him a hard time online about him like not being supportive, like about antidepressants or some, or something. And, um, and people will take a clip and make it like a big deal. But I didn't feel that way at all, like in our conversation, you know? So sometimes it's so weird that the things that people clip.

• 1:23:25Speaker 01

  I think it's so big and it's so singular that people like adding their spin to whatever it is. You can take any clip and add text to it and then you're funneling people's viewpoint into that. So much of what we do is just the clipped version of it.

• 1:23:39Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:23:39Speaker 01

  People have so much agendas. I think that's what's great about the show is that it breathes for three hours and it have all these different people. And then people kind of decide for themselves. But the whole clipping on X is kind of. That's like a game genie is cheating.

• 1:23:53Theo Von?

  Yeah, it feels a little cheating sometimes. Yeah, but people were like, yeah, he's not supportive and stuff. And I've never felt anything. In fact, as I've gotten to know him better over the years, which is, which is, he's such a busy dude, I think, like, imagine like I look at my phone, it's like my mom's texting me, you know, she's, she's like also sent me some emojis that aren't always most positive. And some of them, I think, means things that she doesn't even know they mean. So a couple of veggies she sent me, I'm like this.

• 1:24:18Speaker 01

  Eggplants, mom, you should never be, don't tell me you're making eggplant. Just say eggplant.

• 1:24:25Theo Von?

  Yeah, just make it, dude.

• 1:24:26Speaker 01

  Just make it, don't even bring it up.

• 1:24:28Theo Von?

  Or she's just like that open mouth emoji all the time. And I'm like, what are the tongue out? She's like, it's kind of crazy. He's like, it's so hot today. It's your fucking.

• 1:24:35Speaker 01

  Squirt squirt. It's so hot today. Squirt squirt.

• 1:24:39Theo Von?

  So hot today, I'm gonna make a couple of eggplants. And I'm like, dude, what are you? God, she's just, she loves gardening. So it's just like, you know, it's just navigating shit like that. But imagine you're Joe Rogan, you open your phone up, it's like Elon Musk has probably texted you, you know, like the some guy, like some guy whose name you can't even read from like another country who wants to come on your podcast. They're like beg, you know, and then your wife also wants stuff, you have kids are asking, just like, he's like a thoroughfare for humanity.

• 1:25:05Speaker 01

  For sure. And he'll still text us back. It's crazy.

• 1:25:07Theo Von?

  That's a crazy thing.

• 1:25:08Speaker 01

  And then even to book his show, he's like, how does, he does it.

• 1:25:11Theo Von?

  I know.

• 1:25:12Speaker 01

  He doesn't, I mean, not to call you out, I mean, you have a producer, I love you. But like, it's fine to get, everybody else that's producers, Rogan is like, hey, how's, how's this day sound?

• 1:25:21Theo Von?

  I know.

• 1:25:22Speaker 01

  That's bananas.

• 1:25:23Theo Von?

  Yeah, dude, but sometimes it's like we don't watch the whole episode and people don't know things.

• 1:25:27Speaker 01

  Yeah, well, we live in a hot take society too.

• 1:25:29Theo Von?

  We do. It's kind of crazy.

• 1:25:31Speaker 01

  Well, there's money in it. So there's money, there's attention, there's views. So

• 1:25:34Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:25:35Speaker 01

  You just have to pull back and try not to be so susceptible to it. Like as you get older, just realize, okay.

• 1:25:42Theo Von?

  Yeah, I think sometimes it's like, I don't know. But yeah, I felt, yeah, I mean, in that instance, with that specific thing with Joey, just felt like, man, I wish this isn't what I felt like happened, you know?

• 1:25:53Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:25:54Theo Von?

  And, yeah, and he's just, he's been super supportive. He always kind of checks in over the years. Like, he's gotten a little bit more real check in, or inviting me out to dinner with his wife and his kids, like little things like that. It's like, where I know it's hard, it's probably hard for me to even be around a lot of people a lot, because it's just a lot of energy you give out.

• 1:26:08Speaker 01

  I remember we went to dinner in Austin one time. It was, it was him, Tony, Lex Friedman. I'm trying to think who else, who else. It was like a bizarre. You're like, what is this life, you know? We're at some Italian restaurant, and then he changes the gravity of a, he's so big, you forget. Again, it's one of those things of like, I see him at the Comedy Store all the time, and I just see him as a comedian. I know him as that. But then you enter the real world and you kind of see how everyone else reacts to the same person.

• 1:26:37Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:26:38Speaker 01

  So we're just eating dinner, and then this pasta would hit the table every now and then. And then we look up, and there's like a forty-five-year-old woman just like throwing pasta to get his attention. She's like, hi. And he's like, yeah? Yeah, I just, you know, I just wanted to say hello. And he's like, why don't you come downstairs and say hi like a normal person? And like, okay, I didn't want to bother you. If you're like throwing pastas, it's way worse than just, I don't know what was going through the lady's head, but she was just throwing pasta on the table.

• 1:27:11Theo Von?

  That's Italian emails, brother. That's all, that's all it is. Road is humming warm pasta at Joe Rogan's table. That's fucking crazy.

• 1:27:19Speaker 01

  Email?

• 1:27:20Theo Von?

  Um, but yeah, anyway, I think it, yeah, I think it's gotta be, I don't know. Sometimes you think of what is it like to be him? Because he's, he's an interesting guy.

• 1:27:29Speaker 01

  Um, there's a question I want to ask you. Can I do that?

• 1:27:31Theo Von?

  Yeah, sure.

• 1:27:32Speaker 01

  So, okay, we were doing one of the shows, and then, I don't know if you even heard it, you were on stage, and then some random person was like, talk about road rules.

• 1:27:41Theo Von?

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:27:42Speaker 01

  And to me, it's just so absurd, because you've done so much past, beyond that.

• 1:27:46Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:27:47Speaker 01

  You're kind of like, you're like, does anybody even remember that? How do you take it that part of your life? And then what was that kind of fame? Cause that was MTV was huge. That's sort of like what TikTok is now. Or being a streamer.

• 1:27:59Theo Von?

  That's a good point. I never thought about it in correlation like what that's what TikTok is now.

• 1:28:02Speaker 01

  Yeah, think about any young person uh who's famous. MTV was that for us. That was like the vessel.

• 1:28:10Theo Von?

  Well, it's probably where Michael Jackson premiered on. I'm guessing that it

• 1:28:12Speaker 01

  Probably.

• 1:28:13Theo Von?

  One of the networks that it premiered on. Cause I think MTV was semi-universal at the time.

• 1:28:16Speaker 01

  Yeah, that was our TikTok pretty much. If you wanted anything young, it was that.

• 1:28:20Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:28:20Speaker 01

  And I also had this thought too, like, young people today have it so nice that the entertainment they watch is made by young people. When we were growing up, we were watching like balding thirty year olds try to be in high school on TV shows.

• 1:28:33Theo Von?

  And some of them were probably touching the kids they were working with.

• 1:28:36Speaker 01

  Maybe, maybe.

• 1:28:37Theo Von?

  We don't know, but all the

• 1:28:38Speaker 01

  There's a pretty good chance that that was happening. But we were watching an approximation of youth. You know, like that's cause that's all we had. We were watching Yo Mama. We were watching Wilmer Valderrama host different factions of Yo Mama groups.

• 1:28:53Theo Von?

  Yeah, now if you're ten, you can find a ten year old like, or now if you're twenty, you can find it. You can find like

• 1:28:57Speaker 01

  Somebody who speaks to you.

• 1:28:58Theo Von?

  Right. That's a good point. I never thought about that exactly.

• 1:29:01Speaker 01

  Cause even um, like I'm trying to think. Like, yeah, MTV, it was like older people. It was people who were watching that were twelve or thirteen. It slanted younger. But you had to watch, like, these are the youngest people I see on TV, but they happen to be twenty or twenty-five, like nine oh two one oh. How old were they during shooting that?

• 1:29:19Theo Von?

  They were probably twenty-six ish, I would bet.

• 1:29:22Speaker 01

  Maybe. Like, one of them was full on, like, balding.

• 1:29:25Theo Von?

  Yeah, that's a good point. And he was in high school.

• 1:29:27Speaker 01

  Like, this isn't the teacher? They gave a teacher a backpack?

• 1:29:31Theo Von?

  Bro, remember that? Yeah, those were the shows who would sit and watch us. Oh dude, nine oh two one oh was like, it was the show with for my family. And then I'll get back and answer your question too, cause I don't want you to think I was trying not to answer it. Um, it was, that was the show for my family where like, we were all uh, and it's Shannon Doherty, Jenny Garth, Tori Spelling, Brian Austin Green, Jason Priestley, Luke Perry, Ian Ziering, Gabrielle Carteras, uh, twenty-nine years old.

• 1:29:58Speaker 01

  Yeah, I mean, I mean, some of them are young. Yeah, some of them make sense, but some of them are a stretch.

• 1:30:02Speaker 03

  And this is when it started too. So by the end, they were all mid twenties.

• 1:30:06Theo Von?

  Right. But dude, yeah, that like, that show was the show where like, or like Probably I'd watch with three of my siblings and we were all like two years apart. So we all had like different like one of us was watching maybe it's like cool about school one because it was cool. This is at a high school and one of us was watching because like, you know, we hadn't gotten to hear about things that like older kids do or anything like that. And then um, one of us was just watching to see like if there was any leg shown or anything like that or a little bit of uh sexy time or something, you know? But yeah, dude, that was a fucking juggernaut. How many people watch that show? I wonder.

• 1:30:41Speaker 01

  So so many, I'm sure.

• 1:30:42Theo Von?

  It was unbelievable. Luke Perry passed away a few years ago, didn't he?

• 1:30:46Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:30:47Speaker 03

  And Shannon Doherty.

• 1:30:48Theo Von?

  Oh. Yeah, that show was wild, dude. Uh, yeah, for the road rules stuff, the crazy thing for me was sometimes I can't even remember it.

• 1:30:59Speaker 01

  It's that long ago.

• 1:31:00Theo Von?

  It's that long ago, I think. And I think I've just had like, you know, we get busier and like with comedy, you're doing a lot of stuff like you're performing in a lot of like, you know, you get up almost every night and so so I think that starts to take, you know, uh, that starts to take over a lot of space.

• 1:31:18Theo Von?

  One thing that was, I think, in hindsight, a blessing about that experience was that I kind of got to be like you got a level of popularity there, but you didn't like with doing road rules be on MTV, but you didn't have any money, right? So you had no, and you had no, uh, the only way you could get like any like kind of you had to keep going back to them to if you wanted something else, you know, you just had to be in their world and and part of it was a blessing and stuff like that. You got to do cool stuff. I'm not complaining, but um, but but one thing was I I realized at that time that like

• 1:31:53Theo Von?

  there wasn't a like being popular was cool, but there wasn't like a ton of value to it. Like for years, I kind of thought like, oh, is this cool thing? But then I was like, well, what is it for? Like, where does it really, you know, like?

• 1:32:06Theo Von?

  You know, I'd end up having long conversations with drunk dudes at a bar or something, or some fucking monster that corners you and you're like, trying to look over his shoulder for like, hopefully, hopefully some woman's giving you eye contact. You're sitting there just, just stuck fucking inches away from some dude's non-deodorant. You know, but yeah, I think I realized that there wasn't a lot of, that fame had like, there wasn't a ton of value to it.

• 1:32:28Speaker 01

  Well, especially monetarily, it wasn't there, right? So you just had fame, but you didn't have, you didn't really own your fans, kind of.

• 1:32:33Theo Von?

  Right. You were like, oh, look at that motherfucker. Damn, he's fucked up, you know, or he's at the, you know, he'd be at the bus stop at school. This is normal shit that's totally normal. You're in college.

• 1:32:42Speaker 01

  So it just gave you a bunch of conversations you didn't want to have to be in or.

• 1:32:45Theo Von?

  Yeah, well, maybe look at the values of popularity. Like, well, what value is this? Like, yeah, it's valuable to me in the sense of like, if I'm gonna be out in a, or if I want to get, help get into a nightclub or something, but I don't really have a voice for myself. I didn't really have, um, anything to show for it. You didn't make any money. So it was, um, you know, you had some fun experiences, but then you were also left with a lot of people who knew you, who you were. And no way to hide from it, you know, like I remember I was, even after that, I was sleeping on my buddy's floor for like probably a year, you know, uh. So I don't know. It just, it almost felt like, I don't know. It just gave you a look at what popularity was and the values of it and the non-values of it, I think.

• 1:33:26Theo Von?

  So then, like, I started commenting, then 10 years later, I had this whole other experience. And most people don't even know about the first one, or they just didn't put it together. I don't know what happened. Cause I so rarely hear about it.

• 1:33:39Speaker 01

  Such a deep cut.

• 1:33:41Theo Von?

  Yeah, sometimes I wish I were met, like, I think I was just at a young place, like, I was just at a place where you're just energetic and frenetic and shit. You're just trying to get laid and trying to just jerk yourself off or whatever and tell, and lie to people, say you got laid or something.

• 1:33:55Speaker 01

  Well, I guess now people, cause you were glomming on to this other thing that was kind of bigger than the pieces who are part of that show. So it almost feels like you're renting that fame, or you're just a part of the assembly line.

• 1:34:06Theo Von?

  Yeah, I felt like I didn't have any, it didn't represent me, like, and it felt like I didn't, they can edit things the way they want, which are fine, but it's not my, I don't get to be the, I don't get to be. The be all end all of me, right?

• 1:34:17Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:34:18Theo Von?

  Like, I don't get to say exactly how this is for me.

• 1:34:22Speaker 01

  Right.

• 1:34:23Theo Von?

  But I don't know, it was cool that I got this. One thing I think I'm somewhat kind of grateful to God about it is that I got this like trial run at what it was like to have some popularity. And so then whenever it happened again, I think I've been able to navigate it differently. For myself.

• 1:34:37Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:34:38Theo Von?

  Not always great, but I've definitely had a different perception of it and and a different understanding of the potential values of it in some spaces.

• 1:34:46Speaker 01

  Right.

• 1:34:47Theo Von?

  Maybe, does that make any sense?

• 1:34:48Speaker 01

  No, it does, because even people have an idea of what fame is, but there's like levels to it as well, and you think you want it. I think especially when you're young, just because the things that you want, fame will unlock immediately. But those are kind of primal wants. Once you get past it, you realize, okay, it's not as great, but it's great when you're 18 or 20.

• 1:35:08Theo Von?

  Yeah, if you're just trying to be common or whatever, getting meals or whatever, yeah.

• 1:35:12Speaker 01

  Yeah, coming and meals is great, you know, coming or meals, fame is great for that. But like, why am I here? It's harder.

• 1:35:22Speaker 01

  If you want to bust and have like a pad thai, it's, fame is awesome. You'll do those for free, but if you like, you know, what are these relationships that they built on lies? It's harder for that.

• 1:35:34Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:35:34Speaker 01

  It's harder.

• 1:35:38Theo Von?

  So I don't know, but um, but yeah, sometime we'll have to, next time we do an episode, we'll have to go down some of those roads, even those roads of like shows that we used to watch and shit, thinking about something that's fun. So you started out in business, you worked at Boeing, what were you doing over there?

• 1:35:52Speaker 01

  I was doing engineering, so I was doing stress analysis at Long Beach, so the Boeing out in Long Beach. That's what I went to school for, I did mechanical engineering. And, but I knew I wanted to do standup when I was 18, I was very young and and then I just applied to jobs in SoCal, and then I got a job at Boeing in Long Beach, so.

• 1:36:08Theo Von?

  And what is a mechanical engineer, just so people know?

• 1:36:11Speaker 01

  There's different facets of it you can go into, you can do like HVAC, that's, that's an industry you can go into, just like heating and cooling, you can go into, some people work at Toyota with cars. And then aerospace is a big employer of mechanical. Just think about anything mechanical. There's going to be mechanical engineers like Tesla, just, you know, anything mechanical.

• 1:36:34Speaker 01

  So then, yeah, I got my degree and then I knew I wanted to do stand up. As a stand up back then, there was no internet really, I mean, or social media. You had to go to New York or LA. And I'm like, ah, my parents are in Seattle. I kind of want to do entertainment as well, TV movies. So I chose LA. So then I just applied to jobs in LA and then I got a job at Boeing in Long Beach.

• 1:36:54Theo Von?

  And you hadn't started doing stand up yet?

• 1:36:56Speaker 01

  No, I did. I was, the summer after I graduated high school, I was 18 and then I just started going to the comedy clubs in Seattle.

• 1:37:03Theo Von?

  Did you see Adam Ray, was he there?

• 1:37:04Speaker 01

  He didn't start yet.

• 1:37:05Theo Von?

  Oh.

• 1:37:06Speaker 01

  So I think I met Adam Ray.

• 1:37:07Theo Von?

  Brian Moot?

• 1:37:08Speaker 01

  Yeah, Moot, Moot was there. Jeff Die actually started a few years after me, maybe like two, two or three years after me. So there was some funny people coming out of Seattle. But Adam, Adam didn't, I met him, but he didn't start in the scene there. He started out here in LA. He went to USC, but he wasn't at the mics or anything like that.

• 1:37:28Theo Von?

  Oh, got it, Adam Ray.

• 1:37:29Speaker 01

  Yeah, Adam Ray.

• 1:37:32Speaker 01

  Yeah, so that's how I ended up in LA and working at Boeing. I was there for like four years and then I quit.

• 1:37:37Theo Von?

  Was it cool over there? Like, is there like a nice space where you guys have like a lunch or like a community area?

• 1:37:42Speaker 01

  It was so quintessential, like office spacey. At least I was envious because tech was having this boom with Microsoft, Google. People are on razor scooters, jumping to ball pits and shit. You know what I mean?

• 1:37:55Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:37:55Speaker 01

  Like tech looked so fun. And then.

• 1:37:58Theo Von?

  That's crazy.

• 1:37:58Speaker 01

  It did.

• 1:37:59Theo Von?

  But just to hear somebody say that, it just shows you how people are so different in different places where they grow up.

• 1:38:03Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:38:04Theo Von?

  Like, nobody ever where I'm from has ever said tech looks, tech looks so fun, dude.

• 1:38:08Speaker 01

  You're saying no one in Louisiana said tech looks so fun to you?

• 1:38:11Theo Von?

  I don't think so.

• 1:38:12Speaker 01

  You ever get a lot of kids saying that?

• 1:38:14Theo Von?

  No, it's okay though, but it's cool though. It's just cool how like places are different. And did, was your parents like a lot of pressure? Do you have a lot of pressure?

• 1:38:22Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:38:23Theo Von?

  What is your, what ethnicity, where are your parents from?

• 1:38:25Speaker 01

  Afghanistan.

• 1:38:26Theo Von?

  From Afghanistan?

• 1:38:26Speaker 01

  Yeah, so they came here from there and so, yeah, there is that stereotype.

• 1:38:31Theo Von?

  What is that stereotype? Like, is it a real stereotype? And is it just for Afghanistan or is it for a lot of?

• 1:38:35Speaker 01

  I think it's immigrants, just like, you know.

• 1:38:39Theo Von?

  Oh, it's immigrants?

• 1:38:40Speaker 01

  It's an immigrant thing. If you leave your country and you come to America, you don't want to hear your kid is hitting the mics.

• 1:38:47Speaker 01

  You know what I mean? Like, we evaded the Russians for you to try this new bit? You know?

• 1:38:53Theo Von?

  That's true.

• 1:38:54Speaker 01

  I'm like, you don't understand, this joke has legs. Just let me do it three times and if it bombs, I won't do it anymore.

• 1:39:01Theo Von?

  Yeah, mom, it's about Waymos, dude.

• 1:39:03Speaker 01

  It's about Way-

• 1:39:04Theo Von?

  We just got Waymos in Nashville, too.

• 1:39:06Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:39:07Theo Von?

  And people are fucking, you can see people out there-

• 1:39:09Speaker 01

  They don't like them.

• 1:39:09Theo Von?

  Well, they're calling, I'm not saying, they're out there yelling, you know, shit at them.

• 1:39:12Speaker 01

  Right, right. They call them momos?

• 1:39:14Theo Von?

  Or just-

• 1:39:14Speaker 01

  We don't like you, momos! Get the fuck out of here.

• 1:39:17Theo Von?

  Or Wagers, they're calling them.

• 1:39:19Speaker 01

  A Wager?

• 1:39:19Theo Von?

  I'm like, that's insane to be, what's happening, you know?

• 1:39:23Speaker 01

  It doesn't even know a slur is being thrown at it. It's just, it's just trying to get its people to where it's gotta go.

• 1:39:29Theo Von?

  Yeah, dude, well, I saw you have, dude, this reminds me now, you had something on, you're like, the driver, the car started complaining, or as if it was having a bad day, was that what you said in there?

• 1:39:39Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah, it was like a Waymo. I forgot how it went, you know, it's, I mean, maybe I have it on my Instagram somewhere, but like, I think you had some tech guy on, because my buddy hit me up, because you mentioned me. Anytime you name check me, I have, you know, huge friends who are huge fans of the pod, and they're like, "Oh, Theo talked about you!" And, and I saw the clip, and you're talking to some tech guy? He's like, "You know, if he manor," and he has no idea, and you're telling him the Waymo joke? And he's just like staring at you like paint drying? But you're just telling him my joke, and he's like, "Yeah, that's great."

• 1:40:08Theo Von?

  Maybe it was Alexander Wang.

• 1:40:10Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:40:10Theo Von?

  Was it?

• 1:40:11Speaker 01

  Uh huh.

• 1:40:11Theo Von?

  Oh, that's great, dude.

• 1:40:12Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah, maybe this is the one.

• 1:40:14Theo Von?

  Yeah, let me see this, bro, this is fucking good.

• 1:40:15Speaker 01

  I forgot how it goes.

• 1:40:17Speaker 05

  I got to take one recently, I get in, there's no driver, and the Waymo goes, "This isn't my main thing, I rap."

• 1:40:25Speaker 05

  And it was quiet for a while, the ride was pretty quiet, and then out of nowhere, the Waymo went, "We need to build a wall."

• 1:40:34Speaker 05

  It was like a maga Waymo, I guess. Then we hit a guy, we hit a person. This [BLEEP] flew over the car, and the Waymo went, "Oh, [BLEEP], fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, you gotta help me." What do you mean they gotta help you? He's like, "You're a part of this now." "How would I even help you?" He's like, "Chop it up into smaller pieces." Throw the cards in the back. I go, "What has happened to Waymo?" He goes, "Do you have any coke?" "Waymo, you're a car. How do you even do coke?" He's like, "Put it in my charge port." "Help, yeah." "Let's go to the car wash." "Strip clubs for Waymos."

• 1:41:11Speaker 01

  I mean, I'm just like doing a screenplay for a Pixar movie about a Waymo.

• 1:41:16Theo Von?

  Dude, that's great, bro. Everything you, but that's like, I feel like you do like a million of those every single time. It's just like, "What about this?" And it's like some new thing, man. It's always so novel. You're one of the people that when I see you are like, it just makes me like, I don't know. It's just like, it's like the purest thing. It's like, "This is something funny. Let me see how it goes."

• 1:41:36Speaker 01

  That's so cool that you like, noticed that or appreciate it because that's honestly, the whole reason I do stand-up is I think of something and I, I, I think it's funny and I, I wanna share it and I hope that people validate what I, this idea. Like, does this idea work? Does it have legs? And when they do, it's the best feeling in the world. Whenever I do stand-up, it's just, I, I hope you think this is funny too. Like, I don't need them to laugh or whatever, but I'm like, "I thought this was novel. Do you guys find it novel?" And there's just such a joy in that. And when it works, I'm the happiest in the world. So I'm chasing that.

• 1:42:10Theo Von?

  Yeah, why is that, you think? What is it? I mean, obviously we wanna make people ha- like, it's fun to make somebody laugh or something like that. Like, there's something so perfect about it. I get it, it's like, "There was nothing here a moment ago and now, like, you're laughing or we're both laughing." Like, that shit's pretty dope, really?

• 1:42:22Speaker 01

  For me, when I have a bit that like, I know works, I get less of a rush, cuz I know it works. I know the joke works. So it almost feels like, there's a, it serves its purpose. Like, when you do the road and you're celebrating those bits that you got to that place. But if I'm just working out in town, I'm like, "I already know, I already know the joke works." So it doesn't scratch the comic itch in me. But if I can get something that's mediocre or a brand-new thought to work, that's when I get all the like, dopamine and stuff. I'm like, "What a rush." That's like catching a big wave for me. Some, yeah.

• 1:42:57Theo Von?

  As a mechanical engineer, do you think that...

• 1:43:02Theo Von?

  Because we've been talking about things that are black and white. We've been talking about Waymos, Michael Jackson. But yeah, in the spirit of continuing to talk about things that are black and white, do you think that we went to the moon?

• 1:43:11Speaker 01

  I just caught it right now. Jesus, that's so funny. You just like kept on drilling down on it and I finally got the black or white thing.

• 1:43:17Theo Von?

  Do you think that we went to the moon? You're a mechanical engineer, dude.

• 1:43:20Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:43:20Theo Von?

  And you left the business because you're like, oh, these, they don't. Why did you leave?

• 1:43:25Speaker 01

  I was finally doing well enough in comedy where I could. So that was the goal the whole time. But I mean, most of us had a double life until you got to the point where the art was doing well enough to abandon ship.

• 1:43:37Theo Von?

  Did you have a last day? Do you remember?

• 1:43:40Speaker 01

  Yeah, kind of. Oddly enough, I had, I had booked this MTV show and they needed me for three months. And I didn't even want to leave. I didn't even want to quit. I just, I wanted to do a leave of absence because I planned on returning after shooting this MTV show. I'm like, yeah, I, you know, can I come back after three months? I have to take this leave. And they're like, no, you can't do that. You can't take that much time off. And then I read that you can only collect unemployment if they fire you. So then, so then I just sent an email. I go, I will be leaving on this day and I plan on returning this day, just to let them know that I plan on returning.

• 1:44:18Speaker 01

  And then I just, I left the office, you know, and then I wouldn't answer their calls or emails or anything. I was just waiting for them to terminate me, right?

• 1:44:27Theo Von?

  Right. Because then you can get unemployment.

• 1:44:28Speaker 01

  Then I get unemployment.

• 1:44:29Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:44:30Speaker 01

  Yeah, I'm playing 40 chess. There's levels to this thing. So enough time, I'm dodging them, I'm dodging them. Then finally I get a voicemail like, well, okay, well, we've terminated you.

• 1:44:45Speaker 01

  I'm in my shitty apartment that you just saw where I'm dancing with Jinko jeans. And I'm like, God, oh, yes.

• 1:44:53Theo Von?

  Free at last.

• 1:44:54Speaker 01

  Free at last.

• 1:44:55Theo Von?

  That's when you gotta fucking put on Amistad, the soundtrack and just fucking put on your favorite, ballet boots.

• 1:45:04Speaker 01

  So that's why I left. I finally was able to. It was still dicey though, even, even though I left, I wasn't making tons of money or anything, but it was too big of an opportunity. I'm like, oh, this is an MTV show. I, I should do it.

• 1:45:16Theo Von?

  Which show was it?

• 1:45:17Speaker 01

  Disaster date, of all things.

• 1:45:19Theo Von?

  Oh, that show was.

• 1:45:19Speaker 01

  Do you remember that?

• 1:45:20Theo Von?

  No, I remember Elimidate. Remember that?

• 1:45:22Speaker 01

  Elimidate. I remember that too. Remember Third Wheel? Remember the theme song for Elimidate? Be like, Elimidate.

• 1:45:27Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:45:28Speaker 01

  Bam bam bang, ba bum ba bum, Elimidate.

• 1:45:32Speaker 01

  They would have time cards. I think it was, was that Elimidate? Was he like, why don't you have a 30 minute timeout?

• 1:45:38Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:45:38Speaker 01

  And be like, that bitch gave me a timeout. And then she'd be with her man.

• 1:45:41Theo Von?

  Yeah, the best, one of them, whatever one was, they had a dude who slipped off and did a bunch of fucking yay and came back.

• 1:45:47Speaker 01

  Really?

• 1:45:47Theo Von?

  Yeah, that dude was bagged up when he came back. And that shit was the best, bro. And when they had like three or four people and they had to pick who to let go and sometimes you'd be shocked. That was good. That was Elimidate.

• 1:45:58Speaker 01

  Ah, okay, okay.

• 1:45:59Theo Von?

  When they had like three or four of them, or I think four, three, and then each time they would let somebody go and then they had to pick the last one or whatever.

• 1:46:05Speaker 01

  Then there was one called Fifth Wheel. There was on the bus or whatever. And then.

• 1:46:10Theo Von?

  Did you get to be the datee?

• 1:46:12Speaker 01

  So the premise of the show, oh my God, I'm so young.

• 1:46:16Theo Von?

  Disaster date.

• 1:46:17Speaker 01

  You're just, you would just be a terrible dater. So friends would set their friends up on the date and then they would see how long they could last on the date and you're just acting wild. And however many minutes they last, they got a dollar a minute, which is like nothing. Why would anybody do this? So if they sat through.

• 1:46:33Theo Von?

  Well, you could just be Somali and make millions, dude. You know what I'm saying?

• 1:46:36Speaker 01

  Yeah, so not worth it. Remember Jeff Keith was on it.

• 1:46:40Theo Von?

  Oh, I think I remember this.

• 1:46:43Speaker 01

  Yeah, it was like boiling points for dating.

• 1:46:45Theo Von?

  I remember this. Was this with Sally?

• 1:46:48Speaker 01

  Yes. So the late 495 Productions and their big show was Jersey Shore.

• 1:46:54Theo Von?

  Yes.

• 1:46:55Speaker 01

  And this was the redheaded stepchild that nobody watched.

• 1:46:57Theo Von?

  Got it.

• 1:46:58Speaker 01

  Cause Jersey Shore was like fucking huge.

• 1:47:00Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:47:00Speaker 01

  And I remember there was a rap party for, I did two seasons of this. Like we did a rap party 495 and Jersey Shore was there. And then we were there too, but like nobody gave a fuck. We were like. The the Timu show. So um.

• 1:47:17Theo Von?

  Disaster.

• 1:47:17Speaker 01

  Snooki was there. Mike the Situation was there in the heyday.

• 1:47:21Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:47:22Speaker 01

  So I have I have an old picture of like me and Snooki and you with the situation and he's doing this like very on brand. He's like, dude, he has aviators and he's like, and I'm like.

• 1:47:34Theo Von?

  Bro, that shit's so great, though.

• 1:47:36Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:47:37Theo Von?

  Um, what was I gonna ask you about? Oh, do you think my? Oh, yeah. But on the engineer side, do you think we went to the moon? Like, does it? Cause a lot of comedians have a good sense, I think, sometimes of like bullshit.

• 1:47:48Speaker 01

  Uh huh.

• 1:47:49Theo Von?

  Because they're making a lot of bullshit. So it's like they know, you know, how much is on the scale at times? What do you think happened, man?

• 1:47:57Speaker 01

  I'm not as smart as people think I am just because of the title. I think we did. It's tough because like, yeah, I worked at Boeing and I was an engineer, but then people think that I'm way, I'm like, yeah, I just did a bunch of school. I was good at these formulas and I did it, but I really don't know a ton of stuff, but I think we did. We did go there.

• 1:48:13Theo Von?

  You did?

• 1:48:14Speaker 01

  Well, I look at the footage of the iPhone. That was kind of cool.

• 1:48:17Theo Von?

  That just came out?

• 1:48:18Speaker 01

  Yeah, the astronaut was in there. It was pretty cool.

• 1:48:20Theo Von?

  Let's get us. Yeah, let's take a peek at that. Who's the first Wiger in space, do you think? Have they done it?

• 1:48:26Speaker 01

  Hmm, like test their blood to see.

• 1:48:29Theo Von?

  Just like, just like bona fide. Send a real fucking Jason Williams up there. You know what I'm saying?

• 1:48:35Speaker 01

  Just for science. Like, we want to see how their body reacts to space. So we're sending Jason Williams up. And he's elbow passing to other astronauts. Dude, imagine the passes he could do in zero Gs.

• 1:48:48Theo Von?

  Bro.

• 1:48:49Speaker 01

  But that that looks, come on.

• 1:48:50Theo Von?

  If we get to unlock Jason Williams on the moon, that'd be so sick. That looks like a sperm going to an egg kind of.

• 1:48:55Speaker 01

  That's true. That is.

• 1:48:57Theo Von?

  Dude, this is crazy. So that's a picture some guy just took on his iPhone?

• 1:49:01Speaker 01

  One of the female astronauts took that.

• 1:49:05Theo Von?

  Probably her man being like, "Where are you?" And he's like, "Bullshit."

• 1:49:08Speaker 01

  Yeah, she goes, "Space, I told you."

• 1:49:11Theo Von?

  And then she sends that back.

• 1:49:12Speaker 01

  Uh huh. "Prove it." "It's a nightclub, I've been there."

• 1:49:18Theo Von?

  Yeah, speaking of space and wiggas and everything.

• 1:49:23Theo Von?

  That's a crazy statement.

• 1:49:25Speaker 01

  That sounds like a Comics Unleashed segue. Speaking of wiggas and space.

• 1:49:31Theo Von?

  That's so Byron Allen, he'd be like, "Tell me about that." Like, "Oh, sorry your mother died." "What else is going on with you, Tommy?" And it was just like, "Keep it moving."

• 1:49:40Speaker 01

  There's an art to it. Congrats to Byron Allen, they got that new time slot.

• 1:49:44Theo Von?

  Did they?

• 1:49:44Speaker 01

  Yeah, good for Comics Unleashed. They give a lot of, you know, screen time to younger comics and stuff. And more people to see. And establish one too, yeah.

• 1:49:51Theo Von?

  They've done, they've done a lot of that for people. Yeah, and since we're on the subject of space and wiggas. They just had a marriage proposal.

• 1:50:00Speaker 01

  It's a gender reveal.

• 1:50:01Theo Von?

  Oh, I'm sorry, it's, yeah, this is a gender reveal. No matter what gender, that baby's gonna be mixed. That's just wiggonomics, homie.

• 1:50:17Speaker 01

  What if they do an ultrasound and the baby's like...

• 1:50:21Speaker 01

  Like, he's just like his dad.

• 1:50:23Theo Von?

  Pop, lock, and drop it.

• 1:50:24Speaker 01

  He's sea walking in the womb.

• 1:50:29Theo Von?

  Dude, yeah, they don't... Wiggas was everything when I was a kid, man.

• 1:50:33Speaker 01

  I mean, I feel like you used to be able to say it freely. Some people get tense about, like, are you allowed?

• 1:50:38Theo Von?

  To say wiggas?

• 1:50:38Speaker 01

  Is it still, can we? Is it back?

• 1:50:41Theo Von?

  Yeah, it's back.

• 1:50:41Speaker 01

  It never left?

• 1:50:42Theo Von?

  Dude, half the NBA.

• 1:50:45Speaker 01

  I feel like they're Euro, though. We used to have...

• 1:50:48Theo Von?

  Well, bring up a couple Euro wiggas if you can.

• 1:50:52Speaker 01

  Is that the new term?

• 1:50:53Theo Von?

  I guess it is. I mean, that's a great question. Who is kind of a Euro, uh... A Euro dub or whatever?

• 1:50:59Speaker 01

  They're mostly Euro dubs.

• 1:51:01Theo Von?

  You think?

• 1:51:02Speaker 01

  We used to have homegrown dubs.

• 1:51:04Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:51:06Speaker 01

  Now we have these foreigners.

• 1:51:07Theo Von?

  Did they have a lot of dubs up there in, uh, Seattle?

• 1:51:10Speaker 01

  Seattle? There's, every middle school has some dubs, but they're not real dubs.

• 1:51:15Theo Von?

  We thawed that rain up there, a lot of damp dubs, huh?

• 1:51:17Speaker 01

  Damp, damp, there's some damp dubs. You know what's funny? The university I went to, U-Dub.

• 1:51:22Theo Von?

  Ooh.

• 1:51:23Speaker 01

  University of Washington.

• 1:51:25Theo Von?

  Dub Nation dude, panics, bro. Um, how could, if you're a wigga, how can you even get married? Like, you're already married to the streets, I feel like.

• 1:51:36Speaker 01

  That's a good point. Maybe it's like polyamory. Like, are you, are you open to an open relationship? It'll be you in the streets? Will you share me with the streets?

• 1:51:44Theo Von?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:51:46Speaker 01

  That's an open-minded gal.

• 1:51:48Theo Von?

  Oh, I left the trenches to get you and let's go back together.

• 1:51:50Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:51:50Theo Von?

  Oh, I love that idea. It's almost like that movie with, um, Robin Williams.

• 1:51:56Speaker 01

  Which one?

• 1:51:57Theo Von?

  Uh, What Dreams May Come.

• 1:51:59Speaker 01

  You say wet dreams? Wet dreams may come?

• 1:52:04Theo Von?

  Wet dreams may come, dude. That's, of course they may. Yeah, dude. Bro, there's nothing kind of shadier, though, in like,

• 1:52:14Theo Von?

  like, there's nothing kind of shadier when you get wet dreamed or whatever by God or whatever. Because it's like, it's like, sometimes you, like, if you, especially if you're going through a time period where you do not want to be ejaculating or whatever.

• 1:52:28Speaker 01

  Right.

• 1:52:28Theo Von?

  And then God, like, wet dreams you or whatever, and you're like, oh, damn.

• 1:52:32Speaker 01

  It's kind of a gift. It's like, thank you.

• 1:52:34Theo Von?

  Kind of, dude. Oh, we had, one of our previous producers, this kid Riley Mau, he used to pray that God would touch him in his sleep. So he'd be able to, because he didn't have any, he'd never ejaculated.

• 1:52:44Speaker 01

  And, and would God answer?

• 1:52:46Theo Von?

  Yeah. He said he would. I bet that shit was just damn like.

• 1:52:51Speaker 01

  You ever have it happen where you're like, not at home, and like, now this is tricky? That's not ideal. Like in Away Game?

• 1:52:56Theo Von?

  Like, when you're sleeping somewhere away?

• 1:52:57Speaker 01

  Like, when you're a kid and like, you're at somebody else's, you're like, this is.

• 1:53:01Theo Von?

  No.

• 1:53:02Speaker 01

  Now you're like Dexter.

• 1:53:03Theo Von?

  I only.

• 1:53:04Speaker 01

  Like, how do I get rid of this? Or am I just crusty? Don't I just have drywall?

• 1:53:10Theo Von?

  I don't, I only come local, bro. That's me.

• 1:53:12Speaker 01

  But you're, you have no control over your brain. Sometimes it does it. You would never have it happen.

• 1:53:18Theo Von?

  I don't think so. I wet the bed at a lot of people's homes. I wet the bed.

• 1:53:22Speaker 01

  I almost feel like that's more acceptable.

• 1:53:24Theo Von?

  It kind of is, which is crazy.

• 1:53:26Speaker 01

  And it's way more liquid. It's, yeah.

• 1:53:29Theo Von?

  Yeah, it's kind of crazy how if you wet the bed at somebody's house, so like, that's fine, let's help you out, you know? But you ejaculate in your sleep at somebody's house, and they're like, oh.

• 1:53:38Speaker 01

  Get out. You go, I could have wet the bed.

• 1:53:44Theo Von?

  Damn, that's different dude. What else we got? What's popping guys?

• 1:53:47Speaker 03

  Some of the robots. I love that robot dog in the Atlanta apartment complex.

• 1:53:53Theo Von?

  Oh yeah, let's see that dude. Yeah, especially since you worked in tech, bro. Let's get your viewpoint on some of this tech dude. Oh, did you ever get to meet Bill Gates?

• 1:53:59Speaker 01

  No. What if I was like, I was at Epstein Island and I got to meet him briefly? I was trying to ask him about windows, but he said he had to get to a room. I thought that was odd. I was trying to troubleshoot my Dell, my Dell PC.

• 1:54:13Theo Von?

  Did you ever hear rumors about him or anything? Like, what was he like?

• 1:54:16Speaker 01

  No, I mean, I had no idea. I feel like a lot of those files are like, what? This person? Who would think that Bill Gates is doing, you know what I mean?

• 1:54:24Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:54:24Speaker 01

  Did you have any idea?

• 1:54:26Theo Von?

  Yeah, I think money, you know, gets so much power.

• 1:54:28Speaker 01

  I can understand why these people, but like, nobody would throw a dart and think it would hit Bill Gates.

• 1:54:35Theo Von?

  That he would be involved in some of that?

• 1:54:36Speaker 01

  Yeah, when I was a kid in the 90s, this guy talking about windows, thinking he's gonna be on Epstein Island.

• 1:54:43Theo Von?

  And it's crazy to think how they, like, they made everybody, they're like, Michael Jackson is a pedophile or whatever, right? And who may or may not have been, we don't know. But there's also evidence out there that he was getting with a lot of women.

• 1:54:55Speaker 01

  Right. Mike Tyson, Mike Tyson will attest.

• 1:54:57Theo Von?

  Here's Bill Gates right here. Let's see what happens.

• 1:55:00Speaker 01

  Oh yeah, he jumped over a chair?

• 1:55:03Theo Von?

  Why did he do it?

• 1:55:04Speaker 01

  Just to show that he could do it. This was impressive back in the 90s.

• 1:55:08Speaker 03

  He's hitting on Connie Chung.

• 1:55:11Speaker 01

  She's married to Maury Povich, right?

• 1:55:15Theo Von?

  This fucking Chung jumper.

• 1:55:18Theo Von?

  Jump for Chung dude, that'd be a good, uh, that'd be a good Asian Olympic thing, wouldn't it be? Jump for Chung and it's a fundraiser?

• 1:55:25Speaker 01

  Right, for the family.

• 1:55:26Theo Von?

  People jump as far as they can for Connie Chung.

• 1:55:28Speaker 01

  I would, yeah, I would jump.

• 1:55:30Theo Von?

  Jump for Chung.

• 1:55:31Speaker 01

  How much money do you think we could raise for that?

• 1:55:36Theo Von?

  Um, have you seen some of this tech? Since you're a tech guy dude, and since you worked there for so long.

• 1:55:40Speaker 01

  I'm the resident expert and you just anointed me as the resident expert and I'm kinda dumb.

• 1:55:46Theo Von?

  Let's take a gainer at this dude.

• 1:55:48Speaker 06

  Now they got the motherfucking robot dog in the motherfucking hood, patrolling the apartment. What the fuck type of AI shit is this? What the fuck? He look like he finna bite your ass.

• 1:56:07Speaker 06

  Hello? Oh baby, they were... How are you? Where are you at? I'm good. This is a person on it, y'all. So, what y'all got the robot dog in here for? To watch the people so they don't take. I'm sorry. So, we're actually like the robotic security dog here. So, what y'all got to tell us?

• 1:56:30Theo Von?

  I guess I alien.

• 1:56:33Speaker 06

  Everything is being monitored and recorded. Hi. Hi.

• 1:56:38Theo Von?

  Dude, a lot of black folk, they didn't want you to say what's up to them, bro. Once they said hi, bro, everybody was chill, you know?

• 1:56:44Speaker 01

  What if the robot dapped them up and stuff?

• 1:56:46Theo Von?

  Oh shit. The robot's wearing like a couple chains and shit next week? Dude, they're gonna fucking fix that thing up, popping, bro. They're gonna get that thing in a little suit. It's gonna look like fucking LaBelle Crawford in a month. That bitch gonna be dope as hell, bro. They gonna get that thing popping, bro. It's gonna be beautiful. That's crazy. What do you think? What? I don't know if I could be a cop, man. I don't know if I could be... I could be a dog.

• 1:57:11Speaker 01

  Like a cop dog?

• 1:57:13Theo Von?

  I wanna be a dog that lives outdoors. Those are the old school dogs. Like when I was growing up, they had dogs that lived outdoors. And I remember the first time I ever saw a dog that lived indoors, I went to my buddy's house and a dog came around the corner, dude, and we were inside. And I was like, whoa. And it was like a blonde dog. It was like beautiful. It looked like Susan

• 1:57:34Theo Von?

  Suzanne Somers. Remember her?

• 1:57:36Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:57:37Theo Von?

  How beautiful.

• 1:57:37Speaker 01

  Thigh master, yeah.

• 1:57:38Theo Von?

  I mean, just fucking beautiful this thing came around. And it lived inside. And I could not even believe it. I couldn't. It blew my mind. I was like, you gotta be kidding me. But it was so beautiful. It deserved to live inside, right? Like, I'd seen a lot of dogs that hadn't had missing teeth, missing fucking eyebrows or whatever, missing all kinds of shit, you know, just

• 1:57:59Theo Von?

  dogs that... We had a dog that couldn't go forward or whatever. That bitch was always so he'd fucking, he was something, his his shoulders, his front shoulders were, uh...

• 1:58:09Theo Von?

  Um calcified or whatever. And so he had a fucking.

• 1:58:14Theo Von?

  So we had to go backwards. It was like, damn this motherfucker, but he would still get you, you know what I'm saying? So that'd be crazy at first. You're like, this motherfucker ain't getting me. But then, bro, two minutes later, he'd have you fucking cornered somewhere, bro, with his asshole. He'd have you cornered with his dang asshole and he's, you still hear his voice, but it's going the other way, bro. And that's the kind of shit I grew up around, bro. But yeah, what do you think, man? You think he could be a dog? You think he could be a cop?

• 1:58:38Speaker 01

  I don't, I don't know if I could be a cop.

• 1:58:41Theo Von?

  If you were dancing cop though, theme and.

• 1:58:43Speaker 01

  Well, now you've sweetened the deal. You buried the lead, man. Maybe that could be a way to recruit a lot of people who normally wouldn't be cops. You lead with dancing.

• 1:58:52Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:58:52Speaker 01

  You might get some Broadway folk in there. You might get me.

• 1:58:57Speaker 01

  Can I like twirl when I apprehend you?

• 1:59:00Theo Von?

  Do you think you whatever you want? I think if there's a cool way of hit the cops, hit, to hit the cuffs on them, you know?

• 1:59:06Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:59:06Theo Von?

  Like what song do you want to listen to while you get arrested? That sort of thing, you know?

• 1:59:10Speaker 01

  Do they choose or do I get to choose?

• 1:59:12Theo Von?

  I think you guys each get one.

• 1:59:13Speaker 01

  Hmm. It could be like Miranda, right? So you could choose whatever song you want played while I arrest you.

• 1:59:17Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:59:18Speaker 01

  And they go to their Spotify. And then while they're slammed against the car, it's like a Kendrick track.

• 1:59:23Theo Von?

  She's like, dang.

• 1:59:25Speaker 01

  It makes the experience better, right?

• 1:59:27Theo Von?

  Yeah. It's just a mystical, keep bumping me against the wall, watch yourself. I came here with a knife in my hand. Be cool.

• 1:59:35Speaker 01

  What was his biggest song, mystical?

• 1:59:38Theo Von?

  Did I do that? No.

• 1:59:40Speaker 01

  That was, that was Urkel.

• 1:59:41Theo Von?

  Danger.

• 1:59:42Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:59:43Theo Von?

  But mystical, I think he sampled that in his song. Yeah.

• 1:59:51Theo Von?

  He was one of a kind, bro.

• 1:59:52Speaker 01

  What? He was cousins with Master P?

• 1:59:55Theo Von?

  Yeah, they was something.

• 1:59:58Theo Von?

  Black people love to be cousins, bro.

• 2:00:00Speaker 01

  This is true.

• 2:00:01Theo Von?

  You know what I'm talking about?

• 2:00:03Speaker 01

  They do. Brothers as well and sisters.

• 2:00:05Theo Von?

  White people don't love it as much to be cousins. Black people.

• 2:00:08Speaker 01

  That's a good point. Yeah. Cousin is, is an umbrella term.

• 2:00:11Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 2:00:11Speaker 01

  But I feel like even like Afghans will use cousin loosely.

• 2:00:15Theo Von?

  Really?

• 2:00:15Speaker 01

  Cause sometimes there's a family friend that's so close that just saying friend doesn't quite describe it. And then cousin is almost like honorary cousin.

• 2:00:24Theo Von?

  Yeah. That's fair, and your family changes as you get older. It's like, people will come into your life and they really represent a lot, like something that's very meaningful, like a meaningful connection, you know?

• 2:00:34Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 2:00:35Theo Von?

  So sometimes friend isn't really, doesn't really do it justice, and then sometimes those people kind of leave, you know?

• 2:00:39Speaker 01

  Right. If you grew up with someone from the age of four and you still know them, I almost feel like they feel more like a cousin than, than just a friend.

• 2:00:48Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 2:00:48Speaker 01

  Yeah. That's kind of cool. Tell them, like, you've been upgraded to cuz.

• 2:00:51Theo Von?

  Yeah. They get like a, like a text, an automatic text?

• 2:00:54Speaker 01

  Mm-hmm.

• 2:00:56Speaker 01

  Um, yeah, what was I gonna ask? What is this about?

• 2:00:59Theo Von?

  Oh, yeah, I learned about watching you.

• 2:01:07Speaker 06

  It's yours? No, I'm- Your mother said she found it in your closet. I don't know, one of the guys must have- Must have what? Look, Dad, it's not- Where did you get it? Dad- Answer me. Who taught you how to do this stuff? You, all right? I learned it by watching you. Parents who use drugs have children who use drugs.

• 2:01:32Theo Von?

  And to think, years later, our own country would be forcing us into drug use, you know? And profiting off of it, like, just kind of crazy.

• 2:01:43Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's gotta be in a pill form, though.

• 2:01:44Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 2:01:45Speaker 01

  It's kind of, you gotta bottle it up.

• 2:01:46Theo Von?

  But dude, that was crazy. That was hard hitting.

• 2:01:48Speaker 01

  Yeah, back in the day.

• 2:01:49Theo Von?

  Or when they had the thing at your high school, remember when they had the, uh, "Don't die like this," and it'd be like,

• 2:01:56Theo Von?

  if they got like, they always did it around Halloween, because they had extra, like, blood in the area or whatever, and they would, um, somebody like hanging out of a burning car and they'd set the back of the car on fire, and it would all happen, like, out on the football field, and you'd have to go watch it.

• 2:02:08Speaker 01

  Yeah, just sort of, like a scared straight.

• 2:02:10Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 2:02:10Speaker 01

  They would make an accident scene and be like, "This could be you." It's kind of gruesome.

• 2:02:15Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 2:02:16Speaker 01

  We should, probably shouldn't have been seeing that that young.

• 2:02:18Theo Von?

  Of course not.

• 2:02:19Speaker 01

  Dead people, like, yeah.

• 2:02:19Theo Von?

  It was crazy. And then they'd always hide a bag of coke on a kid or something and let that drug dog go find it. And then people are like, oh shit, William got coke on him. And then for the rest of his life, people were like, damn, William got coke on him, bro.

• 2:02:32Speaker 01

  Just to make an example out of a kid, even though he never did it. Just ruin his life. Like, you don't want to be like Daniel, huh?

• 2:02:38Theo Von?

  I know, Dan, you got that bait.

• 2:02:40Speaker 01

  It's so sad watching these videos, because our childhood is in 360p. That was two pixels.

• 2:02:46Theo Von?

  I know.

• 2:02:47Speaker 01

  That was just two blocks. It's so sad. If you're dating a younger chick or whatever, you go, oh, check out these highlights of Shawn Kemp dunking. And it's 360p, it's so grainy. Our childhood isn't in high def like these kids today.

• 2:03:02Theo Von?

  But it was clear to us back then, that's what's crazy, bro.

• 2:03:05Speaker 01

  I feel like it was just hard to get the fidelity of, it didn't look this bad back then, did it?

• 2:03:10Theo Von?

  It had to have. What do you think happened?

• 2:03:12Speaker 01

  VHS isn't great, but I feel like it's better than...

• 2:03:16Speaker 02

  I think broadcast TV is a higher resolution and they can't, they couldn't translate it to digital.

• 2:03:24Theo Von?

  Your new special that's coming out, Intrusive Thoughts.

• 2:03:27Speaker 01

  Intrusive Thoughts, yeah.

• 2:03:29Theo Von?

  This is your third special?

• 2:03:30Speaker 01

  It's my fourth, I think. Yeah, it's my fourth special.

• 2:03:34Theo Von?

  Damn.

• 2:03:35Speaker 01

  Well, I'm at the point now where you kind of tour for a year and then you got to hang the painting somewhere. You kind of get it tight from city to city and then you gotta, I'm done with these jokes. You gotta film it and then put it out there and then move on. So it's less about putting a special out and like, I'm huge. That used to be the thing back in the day.

• 2:03:55Theo Von?

  Yeah, it means you feel some type of way. Now it's like, almost just like, uh, like closing the diary.

• 2:03:59Speaker 01

  It's a picture, it's a stand-up picture. This was me for the past year when I was on tour. Here are the jokes. Because everything is so clip-based. Because everything is, sorry, can I like fix this? I'm like garbling my shit.

• 2:04:09Theo Von?

  You're fine. Also, everybody's retarded. The fact you've put together like 11 sentences is way better than most of us in the world are doing, dude.

• 2:04:18Speaker 01

  Because everything is so clip-based and that's great, but it's nice to show that you can do a cohesive 45 to an hour. It's sort of the difference between breaking a vase into a million pieces, but I'd like to see the whole vase. This is what I was doing on the road, here it is. And hopefully people like it. I want them to watch it. But now I get to move on and that's kind of nice. You just dump all those jokes from your head and then who am I now? And let's talk about that.

• 2:04:45Theo Von?

  Yeah, dude. Intrusive thoughts, that's awesome. And where can people watch it right now? Is it gonna be on YouTube?

• 2:04:50Speaker 01

  Yeah, it'll be on my YouTube channel.

• 2:04:52Theo Von?

  And will people be able to pay there for it too?

• 2:04:53Speaker 01

  If they want, you know, but honestly, just a super thanks, a thumbs up, comment, share it with a friend. I just want people to see it. That'd be the best.

• 2:05:01Theo Von?

  Awesome, dude. Yeah, send me a few, send me, send me a clip that you really like or something that you want. If there's someone that I can help reshare or something, or if there's some stuff on TikTok, let me know.

• 2:05:09Speaker 01

  Okay. Yeah, definitely.

• 2:05:11Theo Von?

  You will, will you let me know?

• 2:05:13Speaker 01

  Yeah, I'll let you know. Yeah. And thanks for being so supportive, man. Like taking me on the road, having me on this pod to get the word out on the special. It means a lot to me, man.

• 2:05:22Theo Von?

  Oh, thanks, dude. I appreciate it, man. Um, I have one other question I wanted to ask you. Like, I feel like in my lifetime, like a lot of people that are from the Middle East have gotten like a bad rap, like in, or they've gotten negatively, possibly negatively, like branded by media kind of. When I say that, does that, because you always hear stuff like, um, you know, these people are jihadists, or these people are like, even the term Muslim to some people makes it seem like that that person is like a person with a bomb or like, um, do you think that that's a real thing that's happened? Um, and then, uh,

• 2:06:04Theo Von?

  and then what can you say like about like people from that, like, do you think people from some of those areas like hate America? Or like, maybe you don't have to go that far, but just like, can you take me, if I say that kind of stuff, does it make you think anything?

• 2:06:15Speaker 01

  I mean, you're not far off in terms of the branding of Muslims over the past couple of years, especially post nine 11. You felt it if you were that.

• 2:06:24Theo Von?

  Yeah, y'all took the L for that, huh?

• 2:06:26Speaker 01

  Yeah, for a while.

• 2:06:27Theo Von?

  Did y'all do it?

• 2:06:28Speaker 01

  I think we took the L inadvertently, just Muslims in America and.

• 2:06:31Theo Von?

  But did you guys do it, do you think? Or, but did, sorry.

• 2:06:35Speaker 01

  That'd be funny. This whole podcast is leading up to, did you do nine 11? I'm like, yo, you know me. You brought me up on the store. You know I didn't do nine eleven, Theo.

• 2:06:46Theo Von?

  You're right, my bad, dude.

• 2:06:47Speaker 01

  This has just been like a honey trap the whole time? Just to get to this?

• 2:06:51Theo Von?

  Yeah, sorry, dude. I gave Candace one of my like, remote controls she's got me today. No, no, but do you, but do you, yeah, what is that like, like, just like, even having any like, your parents are from like, the Middle East, right? Your parents are from Afghanistan? What is it like, what is that like? I don't know.

• 2:07:07Speaker 01

  You know what it's like, it's kind of, I mean, I had this joke about it back in the day.

• 2:07:10Theo Von?

  Because how can we change if it's not true? Like, if some of that's like, I don't know, I feel like it's not. I don't know.

• 2:07:16Speaker 01

  I think it is changing with the internet and social media. You can't paint people with these broad strokes that you used to back in the day because there was only certain channels that you can get information from and it could be controlled very easily. And people would just buy into a narrative that like, be scared of Muslims, be scared of Latinos, be scared of. But then there's TikTok and there's all these, there's so much information now that people can form their own opinions. But, yeah, it was dicey for a while because every time there was a, you know, nine, post nine eleven, the temperature was. If you happen to be that, you, you felt it, you know, when I would fly, I would be secondary search and I grew up with Boy Meets World and TGIF. I'm just as American.

• 2:07:58Speaker 01

  I watched Saved by the Bell, but you just happen to look a certain way or and there's nothing you could do about it.

• 2:08:07Speaker 01

  I always say it's, I used to have the joke where it's, being a minority is kind of like having an away jersey you can never take off.

• 2:08:15Speaker 01

  That's kind of what it feels like because I'm sure people, Americans, you know, white Americans have been to, say you're a Rams fan and then you go to, I don't know who their rival is.

• 2:08:27Theo Von?

  Probably Seahawks.

• 2:08:28Speaker 01

  All right, yeah, then you go to a Seahawks game in your Rams jersey, you're gonna get some flack. But you're still you, you're, you're still Doug, you're a nice guy, you're Doug from accounting and they're spitting on you and you go, nah, I just, I like, I just happen to be wearing this, I can't take it off, it's bolted on.

• 2:08:46Speaker 01

  It should be a Saw movie, just you can't take the Rams jersey off at your rival team and they just beat the shit out of you.

• 2:08:54Speaker 01

  So you're just a human and a pure soul and all that, but you happen to have this coating that gets taken a certain way. So I don't know, maybe, maybe that's how I perceive it.

• 2:09:04Theo Von?

  Yeah. Yeah. I think I'm just curious about that sometimes. And then, yeah, did the, does it feel like the media like made it like these people are bad people kind of?

• 2:09:12Speaker 01

  It's definitely a tool. I think it's leverage for some agenda sometimes. Um, but I might, I don't automatically just knee jerk go to.

• 2:09:20Theo Von?

  Go to that.

• 2:09:21Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 2:09:21Theo Von?

  Yeah, you're right.

• 2:09:22Speaker 01

  I think people have, are generally pretty nice people and, but.

• 2:09:26Theo Von?

  Yeah, for sure. Yeah. I was just kind of curious because sometimes you're just like, you start to think like, I think you look back at the world like your lifetime, you're like, what things are like, did we land on the moon? What things really happened? I think a lot of people are like a serious, the most space I've ever seen in my life, like people are coming up to me and like movie theaters and shit. And fucking like asking me about shit about fucking, uh, Nepal or like, um, Tibet or whatever. It's like, what?

• 2:09:52Speaker 01

  Well, we all have to be experts now. It's cra- there's just so much information and then we're learning. We've been lied to in so many instances. And then you go, if the, you'll go down a rabbit hole.

• 2:10:01Theo Von?

  Right. It's like, if this, then that's the thing.

• 2:10:03Speaker 01

  And then you keep on, you, you hear, you see this tweet, you see this video, you see this Tik Tok and then the Epstein stuff is still going and then, uh, all birds going AI and then, uh, this shorting the stock and all that stuff, what's going on, all these time, these timed things with the stock market.

• 2:10:22Speaker 01

  Your brain gets overloaded. You, there's so much, how can I know? You just get paralyzed, but.

• 2:10:27Theo Von?

  Yeah. And then you try to calm down and then you fucking, it's hard to get away from, from the intrusive thoughts, dude.

• 2:10:32Speaker 01

  It's true, man. Well, full circle. Full circle.

• 2:10:36Theo Von?

  Um, Fahim dude, thanks so much, bro. Uh, yeah. I hope you just continue to obviously do what you were obviously built to do, bro. There's nobody that does it like you and, yeah, I hope people love the new special intrusive thoughts and we'll make sure to share stuff about it. And yeah, just thanks to your patience, dude. I appreciate it.

• 2:10:52Speaker 01

  Of course, man. Yeah. Anytime. Thank you for having me.

• 2:10:55Theo Von?

  I'm glad we got to do this. This is fun, dude. Sorry if I talked about too much serious.

• 2:10:58Speaker 01

  No, not at all.

• 2:10:59Theo Von?

  You know, just trying to be alive.

• 2:11:01Speaker 01

  For sure. Doing our best, you know?

• 2:11:03Theo Von?

  Yeah. While they let us, bro. BLM dude.

• 2:11:34Speaker 05

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