Stop Spiraling: The 4-Step Check-In That Resets Your Mind | Gabby Bernstein

My new book Own Or Be Owned is out now! I wrote Own or Be Owned to answer one question: How do you make more money, less miserably? I broke it into the 12 Profit Levers… The 12 levers I've seen determine whether you print cash or hate your life. Check it out: → https://contrarianthinking.biz/oobo_bigdeal Most people think confidence is about believing in yourself. Gabrielle Bernstein knows better — it's about befriending the parts of yourself that hold you back. After two decades as a spiritual teacher and writing 11 bestselling books, the author of The Universe Has Your Back and Self-Help has cracked the code on why we sabotage our success, stay stuck in negative loops, and block the very abundance we're trying to attract. In this raw, deeply personal conversation, Gabrielle breaks down the exact Internal Family Systems (IFS) framework that changed her life, why pushing harder actually blocks manifestation, how suppressed trauma creates parts that sabotage you decades later, and why the 3 AM spiral can be stopped by visualizing your thoughts in a bubble and sending them away. And it’s not just vibes — it's applied psychology. If you've ever felt like you're blocking your own success, spiraling in negative self-talk, or pushing so hard you can't receive what's trying to come to you, this episode will rewire how you think about confidence, manifestation, and what it actually takes to attract abundance. If this episode hits a nerve, good. Because insight without action is just expensive therapy. That’s why we built Main Street Millionaire Live — three days with real operators learning how to buy and build boring, cash-flowing businesses that create actual freedom. Main Street Millionaire Live is where mindset turns into money. Less manifesting. More ownership. Learn more at https://contrarianthinking.biz/MSML_BDYT26 Keep up with Gabrielle Bernstein: Website: https://gabbybernstein.com/ Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/gabbyb YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@GabrielleBernstein Podcast: https://gabbybernstein.com/podcast/ ___________ 00:00:00 Introduction 00:01:25 The Confidence Problem: Why We Don't Set Big Goals 00:04:03 Breaking the Spiral: The Loop-Breaking Method 00:09:02 When You Change How You Look at Things, Everything Changes 00:09:46 Doing vs. Allowing: Drop the Tupperware, Keep the China 00:11:30 Manifesting Done Right: You're Always Manifesting Something 00:16:16 Energy Is Contagious: The Science Behind Your Imprint 00:18:04 Main Street Millionaire Live: Your Path to Business Ownership 00:18:40 The Choose Again Method: Name It, Forgive It, Redirect It 00:21:16 Why We Lose Our Joy: Core Beliefs and Protection Mechanisms 00:22:18 Internal Family Systems: Befriending the Parts That Hold You Back 00:31:03 The Four-Step Check-In: How to Heal Your Parts 00:39:20 Real Boundaries Come From Self-Compassion, Not Rage 00:28:13 The Hormone Monster: Perimenopause, Parts, and Partnership 00:45:42 How to Find a Good Therapist: The Safety Test 00:50:04 AI, Mediumship, and the Future of Spiritual Guidance 00:56:38 Abundance, Receptivity, and the Maternal Energy Shift 01:03:57 Do Less, Attract More: The Promise That Changes Everything 01:04:52 Main Street Millionaire Live: Join the Revolution ___________ MORE FROM BIGDEAL 🎥 YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@podcastbigdeal 📸 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/bigdeal.podcast 📽️ TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@big.deal.pod MORE FROM CODIE SANCHEZ 🎥 YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@codiesanchezct 📸 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/codiesanchez 📽️ TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@realcodiesanchez OTHER THINGS WE DO 🌐 Our community: https://contrarianthinking.typeform.com/to/WBztXXID 📰 Free newsletter: https://contrarianthinking.biz/3XWLlZp 📚 Biz buying course: https://contrarianthinking.biz/3NhjGgN 🏠 Resibrands: https://resibrands.com/ 💰 CT Capital: https://contrarianthinking.biz/4eRyGOk 🏦 Main St Hold Co: https://contrarianthinking.biz/3YfGa8u Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Speaker 00

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• 0:30Speaker 01

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• 0:59Speaker 02

  Make sure you put your energy first, because if you're reaching and reaching and thirsty and striving, you are blocking and you're just going to feel like a hamster in a wheel and you're never going to be able to attract it.

• 1:10Codie Sanchez?

  So how do you actually do it then?

• 1:12Speaker 02

  This isn't going to be something that you want to hear. Today's teacher has spent decades researching how you rewire fear, self doubt and subconscious blocks, not by pretending everything's fine, but by confronting your patterns that currently sabotage momentum. Today, let's learn from Gabrielle Bernstein. It's not becoming a millionaire or successful that's important. It's the person you have to become in order to become successful. You have to change you to get the changed life. So today, we are going to change you. We can achieve a lot by doing and pushing and controlling, but we're actually only achieving a fraction of what we're capable of if we're not allowing. It's like any entrepreneur would be juggling a lot of paper. But the problem is you're juggling the china

• 1:56Speaker 02

  and you're juggling the Tupperware. You've got to drop the Tupperware, honey. You can do less and attract more. And that it's safe to slow down and it's safe to invest in yourself. The sooner you learn that, the more success you'll receive.

• 2:10Codie Sanchez?

  Promise?

• 2:11Speaker 02

  I promise I can stand by it.

• 2:12Codie Sanchez?

  Let's say that somebody right now is mid-decision or mid-difficult thing and they start spiraling. What do you do to break that mind pattern?

• 2:21Speaker 02

  I've been doing this a lot lately.

• 2:25Codie Sanchez?

  So I was just doing all my 2026 planning like everybody else. And, you know, candidly, I think one of the issues for all of us is we say we're going to do these things. We come up with all these plans. I'm 38 years old. I've been doing it for 38 years, basically. And then we don't follow through on them. And like, I was going through, like, what would Gabrielle do in many instances? And one of the things that comes up in your work a lot is that we have a lack of confidence. A lot of the reasons why we don't do something is because of our confidence. So what would you say to somebody who's like, trying to plan right now, trying to change their life, but maybe doesn't even have the confidence to set the kind of goals that they would need to, to change their life?

• 3:03Speaker 02

  This isn't going to be something that you want to hear, because it's a little off-brand, but I would say, change the goals. Because we don't want to be reaching for things that we don't believe in. If we have a goal that feels out of alignment with what we believe we are capable of, we actually start to show up for it with a frequency that is not aligned with the capacity to do it. So it's not to say we shouldn't have that desire, but we should set a goal that is on the way to that desire. So what's the goal that can be the first step towards that dream? And by no means am I saying, give up your dreams, but I'm saying, make sure you put your energy first.

• 3:48Speaker 02

  Make sure that you're in alignment first, because if you're reaching and reaching and thirsty and striving, you are blocking and you're just going to feel like a hamster in a wheel and you're never going to be able to attract it.

• 3:58Codie Sanchez?

  So how do you actually do it, then? So what would be the process?

• 4:01Speaker 02

  So in the case of somebody who has a goal, but they feel like they don't have the confidence to achieve that goal, I would say, what does feel good right now? What feels good right now? So it may be that you want to achieve this big career accomplishment, but you don't know how to get there, but you know that today, you can take that one first step to polish up your resume. And you know that next month, you can have the vision of creating a new relationship with somebody that can begin that storyline of maybe next employer. But you're not trying to reach for the big thing overnight. You're reaching for the thing that feels achievable. I wouldn't want to push somebody beyond their comfort zone, because we need to meet ourselves with grace and compassion.

• 4:45Speaker 02

  And when we're tender to ourselves and we don't push, push in a way that feels aggressive, we can then start to have these little mini wins. And those mini wins, when we add up those small right actions daily, start to become the big wins.

• 4:58Codie Sanchez?

  Yeah, it's compounding. I'm not very good at that. I'm a pushy, pushy broad. Let's say that somebody right now is mid-decision or mid-difficult thing and they start spiraling or you start spiraling. What do you do to break that mind pattern?

• 5:12Speaker 02

  I've been doing this a lot lately.

• 5:13Codie Sanchez?

  Interesting.

• 5:13Speaker 02

  For myself. Okay, so I can notice my loop. Like, I can easily get into a loop. And that loop has been waking me up at 3 o'clock in the morning. You know, the 3 a.m. loop. And what I've been doing instead is something I actually taught my son. So my son will wake up, sometimes he's seven years old. So sometimes he'll wake me up in the middle of the night and he'll be like, I can't go back to sleep. I had a story. And so I'll alchemize the story. So like, let's take the story, let's put it in a little ball, and then I'll send that story out into the, we have a pool outside, so I'll say, let's put it in the pool, and then it'll can just, you know, melt away in the water. And I just visualize sending the story away. And then I start to engage him in a new story. And I'll say, can you start to visualize yourself skiing? Because he's a new skier. And I'm like, see yourself on the mountains, skiing and doing the thing that's really exciting for you.

• 5:55Speaker 02

  And so when we're in the loop, the first thing we want to do is tend to the story and tend to the loop. And we can just wrap it up, visualize it in that little ball. Send that ball of light off to wherever it needs to go. You know, send it to the backyard, send it to the fireplace, just burn it, whatever it needs. And then reach for the next best feeling thought. So what could that next best feeling thought be? It could be, my sheets are really good. I'm really cozy in my bed. Or it could be, I actually am really excited to go get my coffee this morning. I mean, that's my next best feeling thought. Or, you know, I can meditate instead of force myself to fall asleep right now. Whatever it might be in that moment. But we have to be able to stop the loop. But we don't want to override ourselves.

• 6:37Speaker 02

  You can't, there are no amount of pushing yourself is going to help you get unstuck.

• 6:42Codie Sanchez?

  Let's say right now, I'm like, I had a terrible conversation with somebody yesterday. I hated how that went down and wish I had done this, wish I had done that.

• 6:49Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 6:50Codie Sanchez?

  So then, then what is the next thought? I sort of take that whole idea, I put it in sort of a shiny bubble.

• 6:56Speaker 02

  Yep, you can put it in the bubble. Yep, you can say, I'm gonna send this off. The other thing I would recommend too is, just is coming from the entrepreneurial side, and I know this is your audience listening, is we typically will wake up with these to-do lists and the things that we have to fix and all of the, and I do every day. And so I have a notebook next to my bed just to get it down. I just write it down and I'm like, I'm gonna do this, this and this. I'm gonna deal with this later. It's just one, so I don't pick up my phone and do it. And two, because I wanna get it out. So you could put it in the ball, you could, you could write it down on the journal. You just get it out. Let it out so that it's not stuck inside. And even if you just put that down and give yourself permission to just say, I'm gonna give this away for the next hour, that in itself can kind of set you up to win. I always love to tell people, if they're controlling something

• 7:40Speaker 02

  or they're trying to manipulate something, to give it away just for the day. So, we can do anything for 24 hours. We can say, okay, that, that situation with the person that really got you riled up, give it away for the day. And then in 24 hours, you'll have a whole different experience of it. You'll have it in completely different mindset. So, just consistently throughout the day, say, I'm just gonna give this away just for today.

• 8:04Codie Sanchez?

  It's so good. So it's like, have a difficult problem, visualize moving it away in one shape or form, time-bound it so that you're not trying, you're kind of telling your brain like, hey, I hear you. It's just for a minute.

• 8:17Speaker 02

  Yeah, just for today.

• 8:18Codie Sanchez?

  Which gives you an emotional sort of separation from the idea.

• 8:22Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 8:22Codie Sanchez?

  Love that.

• 8:22Speaker 02

  Yes, just for today. And it's also a prayer. It's like, take this from me. I don't, I don't know what to do with this right now. I don't know how to manage this right now. Take it from me.

• 8:31Codie Sanchez?

  Is that like what the voice in Gabrielle's head sounds like when you're struggling with something?

• 8:36Speaker 02

  Yes. And I forgive myself. So, so I notice the thoughts and I forgive myself for having that thought. And then I can pick the next best feeling thought. But I, or do, or put it in the bubble, or any one of these tactics is beautiful because they're all really an act of surrender. They're giving it away, saying, I, there's nothing right here at 3 o'clock in the morning that I can do to fix this.

• 9:00Codie Sanchez?

  It's so true, especially when you think about it rationally. You're like, no, no, I'm gonna solve it right now. Tired, upset.

• 9:05Speaker 02

  Oh, how many times have I slacked, like, memos at 4:00 AM? No, not worth it.

• 9:09Codie Sanchez?

  No, it's so silly. My team's like, too often. Shut off for Slack. You know, there's so many ways I want to go with you today. I want to talk about, I want to talk about your most recent book on internal family systems, which randomly I know I shared with you. It like came to me in an exact moment that I need, you might have even DM'd me, or we connected somehow online. And then I was like, whoa, I just got your book. Somebody sent it to me.

• 9:34Speaker 02

  I remember that.

• 9:35Codie Sanchez?

  I mean, it was wild. Anyway, so it helped me a lot in my relationship. And I never would have found a book like that before because I wasn't sure how I felt about therapy, or I wasn't sure how I felt about spiritual practices. So I want to talk about that. I also want to talk about like your large body of work and manifesting. But, you know, if if someone was to listen to us today, right now, and they have like all of your body of work that we're going to talk about, what changes in their life if they listen to this conversation today and they apply it? Like, how will their life be different?

• 10:09Speaker 02

  Everything will be different. I can say that with full conviction. My late mentor and friend, Dr. Wayne Dyer, said, when you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change. Let me say that better for you so you can get the better quote.

• 10:26Codie Sanchez?

  Oh, it's so good, though. I love that quote.

• 10:28Speaker 02

  When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.

• 10:31Codie Sanchez?

  That's so true. Yeah, everybody always comes to me and they want to talk about money and business and finance, right? And I like to talk about that. So we give tactics. But the thing that I've realized again and again is if they don't have their mental capacity, right, if they don't have sort of the foundations, the things that you talk about, then it's actually quite hard to attract all the rest. And I didn't used to think that was true.

• 10:51Speaker 02

  Absolutely. I mean, we can achieve a lot by doing and pushing and controlling, but we're actually only achieving a fraction of what we're capable of if we're not allowing. And I think that a lot of times we think we're allowing because we like what we do. But we still have so much muscle in the game or just so, you know, pushing harder, wanting to have our hands in everything. And so we're really blocking our capacity. Actually, I was talking to somebody yesterday. She gave me a tarot reading, like someone gave me a tarot reading. I was like, this is really cool. And she said, you're juggling all of these plates at once. Like, any entrepreneur would be juggling a lot of plates. She's like, but

• 11:33Speaker 02

  the problem is, is you're juggling the china and you're juggling the Tupperware. And she's like, you gotta drop the Tupperware, honey. And it was so perfect for me to hear, because I have to drop the Tupperware. If I don't really let myself be in the juggling of the china, I can't also be in the allowing. So we can be doing and allowing at the same time when we're focusing.

• 11:58Codie Sanchez?

  Let's talk about how we actually do that. Like, even when we hear the word manifesting, for instance. So many people talk about manifesting now. I live in Austin, capital of manifesting. But we talk about it in a lot of silly ways, different, I think, even than the way you would talk about it, which is that manifesting isn't always like some feel-good fluffy thing. There's actually, I wouldn't even use the word right or wrong way, but there are particular ways maybe to manifest.

• 12:26Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 12:27Codie Sanchez?

  What is, how does somebody manifest correctly?

• 12:30Speaker 02

  Well, we're always manifesting. We're always manifesting, whether we-

• 12:34Codie Sanchez?

  Even when we don't think we are?

• 12:36Speaker 02

  Even when we don't think we are. We're manifesting oftentimes what we don't want. We're manifesting who we are. We're manifesting the energy we put out. We're manifesting at all times what we believe. Really, the law of attraction is that you attract your likeness. So if you're putting out frantic energy, you're going to get more frantic experiences. If you're putting out a high vibe, you're going to get the highest vibe back. Today, I was on Good Morning America twice. I didn't sleep that well last night. I woke up, I pulled it together. I had two segments back to back. But I was like, I'm showing up with the best attitude. I'm going to make everybody feel good in my presence. I want to have fun. And I was smiling at the doormen, smiling at the producers, giving love to the girl. The one of the women was like, you've been stalking me on social media. I was like, here's my app, like, do the manifesting challenge right now.

• 13:21Speaker 02

  Like, literally, like, coaching everybody backstage, coaching the producer backstage, just like, in it. And then, at the end of the show, at the end of the second episode, the dorm, the bouncer comes up to me and he goes, grabs me. And he goes, "Don't stop doing what you're doing." He said, "You make people feel really good." Okay, boomerang back to me, right? Boomerang, that loving energy and that reflection, right back to me, what I put out. So you get what you put out. And that doesn't mean that you can't have a bad day. And that doesn't mean that you can't be going through a lot of shit. But it's about how are you gonna show up for it? It's not what we experience, it's how we experience it. And so are we gonna say, oh yeah, I'm in a bit of a shit pickle here, I'm going through, you know, a big storm,

• 14:06Speaker 02

  but I'm gonna show up for it with faith, or I'm gonna read that self-help book that's gonna help me, or I'm gonna listen to that episode with Gabrielle and Cody, and I'm gonna just open my mind a little bit more. Those little steps towards that better frequency have the capacity to completely redirect what you attract into your life, which is why, if someone's listening and watching this now and takes to heart what we're saying, they can change their lives today, starting today.

• 14:32Codie Sanchez?

  It's a really good point. So what does that look like? Like, I've had that same feeling, like, you've been around somebody, oftentimes I find it with somebody who has a lot of faith. Like, I can really tell, maybe because I grew up that way, a lot of times when somebody has like, a very, they kind of live lightly on the world, but they have like, a deep, sort of, in my life, how it's come up is a lot of times it's a Christian faith. And they're just like, I'm just like, God, whatever's happening here, it's good. If it's Botox, or whatever that vitamin A serum is. And so, like, how do you show up with good energy? When you're walking into a room and you are feeling a little tired, are you like, visualizing love at the person? I know this is maybe a little touchy, feel, but like, what does that actually look like?

• 15:09Speaker 02

  Well, I'll start by saying that it does start with faith. Because my desire to show up with that frequency is my desire to be an expression of love. And in other faiths, it might be an expression of God, or Buddha nature, or the universe. So, so because I am grounded in a very unshakable faith, which is the title of my next book, here, I'm announcing it here on your show. I've just started writing, I haven't even sold it yet. But this, this idea of living with unshakable faith. Puts you into this point of attention, noticing and knowing, okay, what I focus on, I create more of. What I put out, I get back. And you live in that knowing. So you're consciously

• 15:50Speaker 02

  choosing to co-create a reality that feels good to you. And you aren't doing it from this sort of fake energy of like, oh, well, I read this on, you know, the, in the internet or like TikTok told me to do this. It's, I actually believe and know, if I bring my highest frequency, I will, I will feel more elevated and I will elevate those around me. Also, I believe that when you live with unshakable faith, you're also not just living for yourself, you're living for the other. And so I knew that if I showed up on January 5th, Good Morning America, and I could bring a high vibe to these people that woke up at 3 o'clock in the morning to be there, right? And, you know, Robin Roberts, who had, you know, a sinus infection that day, and I could just look at her in the eye and say, you're doing

• 16:32Speaker 02

  God's work, keep going, you know? Then we can have these, these holy instances where we have these encounters with people that not only affect our energy field and raise our vibration, sorry for woo-woo conversation, but they lift us up, but they also have the capacity to lift up the person that's next to you. And then that person goes home later that night, and they start to elevate their spouse. And then their spouse is a little bit more calm, and then the kids feel that energy, and then the energy of the house starts to feel more harmonious. Because Gabby Bernstein walked in and then spread love. And you know what I said to that bouncer? I said, you feel it, you feel good, carry it, give it.

• 17:12Codie Sanchez?

  Yeah, it's so true. Well, you know, and maybe it's woo-woo, but there's also a lot of neuroscience to back this up.

• 17:18Speaker 02

  100%.

• 17:19Codie Sanchez?

  And a lot of science overall. Like, I was reading a study the other day about how your micro-

• 17:24Speaker 02

  Microbiome.

• 17:26Codie Sanchez?

  Your microbiome in your gut is actually contagious from a person to person, even if you and I never share a drink.

• 17:31Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 17:32Codie Sanchez?

  That's fucking crazy.

• 17:33Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah.

• 17:34Codie Sanchez?

  Which means, overall, our energy is certainly contagious. What do you know about that? Like, what does the science tell us about energy contagion?

• 17:41Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 17:42Codie Sanchez?

  In your research and multiple books?

• 17:43Speaker 02

  Yeah, I mean, quantum physics is, is really all the research on how- Our energetic frequency affects other energetic frequencies. And how we can send out a message and that message can affect the the wind patterns. It can affect the, there's, there's a beautiful quote about how when a butterfly flaps its wings on the North Pole, it starts to change the energy in South America. I'm just taking this out now. But we have these, these frequencies, you know, those moments when somebody says to you, oh, my God, I was just thinking about you. How did you just call me? Because there's a frequency, there's a, there's a, there's a chord. And when we pay attention to that, we actually ground ourselves back into what is real.

• 18:25Speaker 02

  And here's the thing, we've lived in this world where we're taught the opposite of this. We're taught that it's this body, I'm separate, I'm alone, I'm not good enough, I'm inadequate, I'm unlovable, or I'm better than. And in all that separation, we lose track of the truth of who we are. And it's not an easy thing to forget that we are all these separate things that we've chosen to believe. But when we return one step at a time to that truth, that there is a oneness within us, that there is a true nature within us that has, that's contagious, that can be affecting your microbiome. Then what happens is we start to take that more seriously. And we recognize our imprint matters.

• 19:06Codie Sanchez?

  This is a secret nobody shares. I've done thousands of deals, but until now, I've never shared the most valuable 10% publicly because I want to buy these businesses myself. Then I realized that if you guys buy the businesses, I get to do the deals with you. So this year at Main Street Millionaire Live, it is your chance to see our insider strategies. I'll teach you how we find, buy and scale a business step by step with the frameworks that I literally use to buy all these businesses. So if you want to go from an aspiring owner to someone actually running a profitable business, join me. I'll give you my blueprint and maybe we end up doing deals together. What do you do when you are stuck in negative self-talk?

• 19:42Speaker 02

  Okay, I do a lot. I will have a choose again method, which I shared earlier, which briefly, was notice the thought, forgive myself for having the thought, and then reach for the next best feeling thought. So this, this sort of comes back to the, the woman who, or man listening that wants to have that big goal, but they don't have the confidence to do it, right? So then they go into the loop of I'm not good enough. And they're in that I'm not good enough, but if they forgive themselves for having that thought, okay, that's just a thought that I keep thinking, let me just forgive the thought. And the next best feeling thought could be, well, I watch Cody and she's helping me every day to feel more confident, to give me the skills, to give me the tools. I can

• 20:26Speaker 02

  watch her for free on YouTube. I'm good. You know, I've got a coach, right? Or I just picked up that book that's really serving me, or I can go polish up my resume. And these are the small micro thoughts that you start to reach for that start to energize you more and more and more.

• 20:40Codie Sanchez?

  Is that based off like cognitive behavioral therapy?

• 20:42Speaker 02

  It's a little bit like, it's a little bit like CBT. It's also, it's also, you know, really a manifesting tool, right? It's a tool for not, not trying to convince yourself of something that you're not, but instead leaning into what is, leaning into what's possible right here, right now. And that's a very compassionate way to work with yourself.

• 21:03Codie Sanchez?

  I love that. Yeah, because in every moment, there are good things and bad things. If right now I was tired, felt sick, had a sinus infection, had cancer, had all the terrible things, but I could notice like this espresso's amazing.

• 21:14Speaker 02

  Exactly, exactly.

• 21:15Codie Sanchez?

  You know?

• 21:16Speaker 02

  And sometimes the folks who have the most dire circumstances are the ones who can really experience these types of gifts the most because they kind of are like, fuck it, you know?

• 21:25Codie Sanchez?

  Why do we lose that? Like, I remember, I dated this one guy back in the day, and he said a line to me that I thought was one of like the most tragic lines of all time. And the line was something kind of incredible, I thought, happened to us. I was like, oh, we're at this incredible vacation, and then we have this thing happen, and this is so amazing. And he looked at me and he said,

• 21:45Codie Sanchez?

  Nothing really excites me anymore. And I thought about that for a minute and just thought, what a tragedy. You know, at the time, we were probably mid twenties. And sure, like, had some success. He was very successful in business, good looking dude, all the things. But you really could find a world around you that you don't get excited by anymore? What an absolute tragedy. And so, in your opinion, you've helped hundreds and thousands of people. What happens to us? Why do we lose that excitement? Why do you lose, like, that joy to be, or whatever you want to call it?

• 22:16Speaker 02

  I think most people are living that way, unfortunately. And I believe that we find ourselves in these patterns that are rooted in our core beliefs from a very young age, which brings us to the IFS work. And these core beliefs are beliefs of, I'm not good enough, I'm inadequate, I'm unlovable. And when we live and protect ourselves day over day from these core beliefs, and we're in these, these sort of mechanisms of protection, right? We don't want to feel those feelings, so we do whatever it takes to protect ourselves from having those feelings. We build up a lot of patterns and behaviors that can set our lives up to feel inadequate, to feel unlovable, to feel not good enough, to feel not exciting.

• 23:00Speaker 02

  Or we have belief systems that we're not worthy of joy. Or we get stuck in a pattern or a loop that feels like it's so disconnected from any capacity to have that joy. But I think the biggest one is that we don't believe we're worthy of it.

• 23:14Codie Sanchez?

  And let's explain IFS a little bit. Like, what is Internal Family Systems? What does it do? Who should use it?

• 23:20Speaker 02

  Okay, so Internal Family Systems Therapy is the therapy that changed my life. I wrote a whole book about it. My 10th book, Self-Help, is all about IFS.

• 23:29Codie Sanchez?

  And it's an amazing book. It's also really short, which I love. It's like exactly what you need, not a word extra, which is really hard to do. So I commend you for that.

• 23:36Speaker 02

  Yeah, no, I like to keep it simple. And IFS, simply put, is a way of befriending the parts of yourselves that hold you back, that keep you small, that keep you stuck. And getting into a relationship with these parts of yourselves rather than shunning them or putting yourself down for it. And so, as I mentioned, we all have these moments in time as children where... Big T trauma or small T trauma. Could be that you've experienced abuse or an alcoholic parent, or maybe you just felt like your parents weren't paying attention to you, or someone told you were stupid on the playground. And those moments in time create this very extreme feeling of not being good enough, being inadequate, being unlovable. And those feelings in IFS are called exiles.

• 24:19Speaker 02

  And so we were like, hell, no, I don't want to ever feel that again. And we shut it down. We just, we lock it up. And then after living that experience, we do whatever it takes from a very young age to start protecting ourselves from ever having to feel that again. So the little girl who felt like her parents weren't paying attention decides she's going to be a perfectionist. And she's been a perfectionist ever since. And if now she's 50 years old and you ask her, how long have you been a perfectionist? And she'll say, for as long as I can remember. Because that was her form of protection. Or in my case, I grew up with an extreme trauma and I lived in a way where I was constantly trying to find some semblance of control in a very chaotic environment. And so my big protection mechanism, called protector part, was control.

• 25:03Speaker 02

  Only up until a year ago that I really befriended that control and healed that control part. But why did I try to control everything? Because deep down, I didn't believe that if I let go, I would be safe. I felt like I had to control to stay safe. And so we have these protection mechanisms. And they're typically the parts of us that will say, oh, I can't believe I did that again. Or a part of me is really rageful, or a part of me is really controlling, or a part of me, you know, you called like, you had like, you said like, the boss bitch or something like that. Like, that's a part, you know? And these parts have good qualities and bad qualities. Like, that boss that you have kicks ass. And she's done such great work in the world. But I also imagine she can be a little bit, you know, frustrating at times, maybe. You know, the same goes for me.

• 25:47Speaker 02

  It's like, my controller part wrote 11 books in 14 years, right?

• 25:51Codie Sanchez?

  That's so true.

• 25:52Speaker 02

  But she's also made a lot of people crazy. And, you know, and made me crazy.

• 25:58Codie Sanchez?

  How do you recognize a part in you, either positive or negative, just to start with?

• 26:03Speaker 02

  Well, I think that, you know, think about the beliefs or patterns or behaviors that you feel often either ashamed of or feel like quite frustrated with, or feel like you have to manage, right?

• 26:17Speaker 02

  And these could be addictive parts. Those are really extreme protectors. Or they could be managers. They're just kind of like the controller that's around all day. Or the bossy one. Or the parts of us that are extreme. Or the parts of us that are creating chaos. Or the parts of us that feel like we become so blended with. We're like, something came over me. A part of me took over. I had a profound conversation with my son yesterday. Because these little people are developing their parts in real time. And he acts like a complete bully. When he's around little, smaller kids or kids that are more vulnerable. And he starts acting out and being really bossy and really rude. And sometimes he'll even like get physical.

• 27:02Speaker 02

  And he takes his toys away. And later, I was like, bro, what's going on? Like, what's happening? And I, instead of being like, you can't do that. I used my self-help tools, which I'll teach through this story. So I became curious. That's the first step. I became curious. And I was like, honey, what's happening? Like, what's happening in those moments? Very neutral. And then I was compassionate. Says, it seems like you're having a hard time. Do you want to talk about it? And I let him talk. And he said, well, a part of my brain feels like the bully that bullies me in class needs to come out of me. And so I bully somebody else so I don't have to feel the bully in my class. And I was just like, this is real time self-help and action. We're just workshopping it right there. Because I was compassionate.

• 27:47Speaker 02

  Because I was calm. Because I was connected. Curious. And we would never confront our parts that way. It's easy to do that with our children, right? Not even that easy. But in this case, you know, I have the tools and I was able to be that way. But for our children inside? Can you imagine the last time you said to yourself, like, what do you need? You know? Or how can I help you?

• 28:10Codie Sanchez?

  That's just so true. You know, it's interesting because I read your book. And at the time... There's a lot maybe going on in business and I I noticed some parts in me. And you know, maybe before I had, you know, you look at your partner and I'm like, well, you need to fix this, this and this, and this is you and you gotta handle this. And eventually, you know, you gotta look in the mirror. And so, you know, when I looked in the mirror, I was like, huh. We keep having this repetitive pattern. Takes two people to have this pattern, so I'm at least part of it. Um, how do we change it? And I remember reading your your book and using it actively in conversations. And the the questioning part is so much harder than it looks.

• 28:47Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 28:48Codie Sanchez?

  Like to truly just repeat back to your partner, uh, the thing that they just said, and really not parroting, because sometimes, you know, just like get it done, parrot back. But no, you know, really repeat back to them and then curiously ask them what's going on.

• 29:03Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 29:03Codie Sanchez?

  And what I would say is like, it helped us immensely. Now I kind of joke and I call mine the hormone monster.

• 29:08Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 29:08Codie Sanchez?

  I don't even always wanna say that it's me fully.

• 29:12Speaker 02

  It's not, so that's actually really important.

• 29:14Codie Sanchez?

  Interesting.

• 29:14Speaker 02

  Yeah, I mean, if you're, you are in perimenopause now. Um, you're in perimenopause a decade before you're in menopause. And I went through it early, so I didn't know from 35 to 45 that I was in peri, because I went into menopause at 45, and I'm 46 now. So I didn't know this. I have to warn you, I have to warn all your listeners, they're maybe younger, a lot younger than I am, but it's happening now. And so your hormonal parts, there's no amount of therapy, there's no. The only thing that can work you through that is. No, well, there's hormones to help. You know, don't, you know, I'm a big, big fan of hormone replacement therapy. I think do whatever it takes to get to great. And it's, you know, very in the zeitgeist right now. It's very, we can confidently talk about that.

• 29:58Speaker 02

  But I know that's an aside, but I think it's really important for me to be very, very vocal about that. Because if I were to give my 38-year-old self some support and guidance, I'd say get on some progesterone or get some estrogen.

• 30:12Codie Sanchez?

  Interesting.

• 30:12Speaker 02

  Get your hormones, or at least get your hormones checked.

• 30:15Codie Sanchez?

  Yeah.

• 30:16Speaker 02

  Right, because the fluctuations and and to have and to learn everything you can about perimenopause. Because those parts, my husband, when I was going through the journey, was like, I don't know what's wrong. With you, you've become so mean. And I wanted to, like, I literally had, like, you know, dashboard punching rage. Like, if you had given me a gun, it would have been really dangerous. And so, this is real. It's, it's a crisis for women. And if you can hear me say this at a younger age, you can save yourself a lot of chaos.

• 30:45Codie Sanchez?

  It's such a good point because I have really, this has been the first year probably where I've acknowledged, yeah, we're women and we have cycles. And until then, I always thought, like, we just do the work and we keep going and we move forward and we muscle through, kind of like you talk about. And then, you know, finally, I was like, no, no, there's something to this whole cycle thing. And I can be the hardest worker out there in the world, but just during some periods or others, I'm different. There's a different Cody. And so, coming to terms with this and being honest, like, I was thinking the other day too, I'm like, it doesn't mean you can't be an absolute animal as a woman. I mean, they say we're closer to death than anything when we give, when we give birth, right? But it's interesting to be able to name it. And so, I like, you know, you told us how to diagnose the parts.

• 31:28Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 31:28Codie Sanchez?

  Now, if you're gonna break, so now what happens afterwards? You go, okay, I got parts of me that I like or don't like? What do I do about that?

• 31:33Speaker 02

  So, so right now, anyone out there thinking about, what's my parts? Think about the part of you that you're like, that's often the round the most, the part that's kind of running the show, creating a little bit of chaos. Maybe it feels like it's important in your life, but it still makes you a little frustrated. So, it could be control, it could be people pleasing, it could be numbing out with YouTube, it could be binge eating, it could be alcoholism, it could be these, these, these patterns of protection. And so, just notice one now. And there's four steps. And the four steps are based on the principles of Internal Family Systems Therapy. And with the blessing of the founder of IFS, who's a dear friend of mine, Dick Schwartz, he allowed me to create a self-help practice with it. So, the four steps are called the four-step check-in.

• 32:13Speaker 02

  And the first check-in step is to choose to check in with the part rather than check out. Because you know, when you get activated, the first thing you want to do is like, go eat the sugar, or go watch the YouTube, or go rage on the partner, or whatever that is. So, check inside. Focus your attention inside. That's step one. Step two is to become curious. So, you would ask that young part of you. What's going on? You know, where do I, where do I feel you inside? Where are you in my body? What do I know about you? What feelings or thoughts or sensations need to come up right now? And just be conscious and curious and just get some connection. And once you feel a little connection, the third step is compassion. And that's when you ask that part, what do you need?

• 32:58Speaker 02

  And the parts will be surprising. They'll say, I need to rest, or I need to dance, or I need to play. They want to be kids again, right? They want to be out of these adult, extreme roles. And then you check for seeds. This is the fourth step, where you're looking around and you're saying, well, what do I feel now? And you're checking for self, self-energy. That's why the book's called Self-Help. Self-energy is like an inner parent or an inner guide. And that energy is compassionate, it's calm, it's courageous, it's curious, it's connected, it's clear, creative. And when we check in with those parts and we feel that energy and that self-energy of compassion or connection or curiosity or calmness come forward,

• 33:43Speaker 02

  we've know that we've brought self-energy to help the part.

• 33:48Codie Sanchez?

  So good. What, like, can you do this with a partner too? So let's, let's say you're

• 33:55Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 33:56Codie Sanchez?

  I mean, I've seen my therapist do it with my partner.

• 33:59Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 33:59Codie Sanchez?

  They used, uh, like a, a motion wheel.

• 34:03Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 34:04Codie Sanchez?

  Basically. And so, you know, former Navy SEAL, you know, husband, total badass, but really, I think you're trained to like shove all emotion

• 34:13Speaker 02

  Oh, hell yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 34:15Codie Sanchez?

  And so he would have to sort of stop and go, no, I feel fine. And, you know, his eyebrow would be like this, his jaw would be clenched and he'd be like grabbing his hands. It'd be like, fine? You know, are you sure? And so we would like, kind of check in with your body first and be like, okay, I notice when my jaw clenches and my eyebrow raises and my hand twitches, that actually means

• 34:32Speaker 02

  I'm not fine.

• 34:33Codie Sanchez?

  I'm not fine. I'm annoyed. That's like a signal of annoyance or whatever. But how do you? Get your partner on board with this. And how do you like work with your partner on something like this? Or do you not?

• 34:45Speaker 02

  You don't at first. You do it for yourself. You you need to master the art of self-help for yourself. Because you remember, the energy you put out, you get back. So if you start to assume more self-energy, and you start to feel more calm, and you start to feel more confident and courageous and compassionate, and you have clarity, and you feel connected, then your partner's stuff is no longer a match for self-energy. And so their stuff just kind of like floats in and it's like,

• 35:28Speaker 02

  like just sort of like dissipates because you're no longer triggered by their stuff. I'm living this right now. And so in your self-led energetic state, your partner has two choices. They can rise up to the occasion and get to work on their own, or they can stay stuck in their parts. And that's when a relationship choice is made. You know, is this, are we going to grow together? Are we going to separate? I mean, that's the simplicity there. Are we going to stay on this path together or are we not? But you'd go first. The person listening here, you go first. You tend to your parts. You recognize that the things that they do that trigger you are not about you. Right?

• 36:12Speaker 02

  That those things that they do that trigger you are something that you must heal inside. And then in the experience of having your own healing, you no longer have the capacity or the energy or the desire to even engage in that bullshit.

• 36:31Codie Sanchez?

  That's so true. It always starts with you, doesn't it? Why then are there so many videos everywhere? Like, you know, with people saying today, How to spot a narcissist and, you know, why all of your exes were narcissists. It does feel like, like we're all projecting that everybody else is the problem and not us.

• 36:50Speaker 02

  Yeah, stop blaming the narcissist and look at why you were a match for the narcissist. Okay, this is very important, right? Some people find their way into narcissistic relationships and some people just don't. Why? Because the people that find their way into the narcissistic relationships have parts of them that believe that's what they're worthy of. They have parts of them that are attracted to that. They have parts of them that are sabotaging inside. There are parts of them that are wounded and had narcissists in their childhood. So it's, we can't point the finger and blame. We have to look in and say, what is it that I have to heal within me so that I'm no longer a match for that type of energy?

• 37:29Codie Sanchez?

  Do you ever get pushback from saying this stuff online by people who are like, "I'm a victim"?

• 37:34Speaker 02

  Listen, by no means am I pardoning the wrongdoing and horrific behavior of others. I'm not. I'm a trauma survivor. I would not be sitting here right now if I hadn't done my own work. But to the, to the, the only way that I can live freely is through the forgiveness of the trauma and through the healing of my own parts. Because no amount of rage and shame towards the oppressor is going to get me to the high frequency and the high energy and the joy and the capacity that I want to live in and the energy I want to bring.

• 38:13Speaker 02

  And so it's, it's the choice of the person who identifies as the victim to say, "Am I going to be the victim of the world I see? Or am I going to show up for myself? Am I going to tune in? Am I going to be compassionate towards myself?" It's quite the opposite. To take the attention off of the other is the first step to extending compassion towards yourself.

• 38:39Codie Sanchez?

  What about setting up boundaries?

• 38:41Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 38:42Codie Sanchez?

  So, you know, as we're going through this self-help journey of ours, how do you set proper boundaries?

• 38:49Speaker 02

  Well, the more self-energy you assume. Let's say you're practicing those four steps regularly. And just to recap them, it's choosing to check in when you get triggered. Curiosity, what's it, where is it in my body? What do I know about it? What thoughts, feelings are attached to it? Compassion, what do you need? And then just noticing the self-energy. Notice the calm or the connection or whatever comes through. Those four steps. Do it once a day for a minute. Add it up. Maybe do it another time throughout the day. Add it up. When you start to make that process a pattern, that pattern and that process starts to interrupt the pattern of living in that protection mechanism. And so at that stage, you actually start to feel more compassionate

• 39:34Speaker 02

  towards these young parts of yourself and more like an inner parent towards these young parts of yourself to the point where you're like, I am not going to allow anything that is unlike what I desire. I'm not going to create a world where that environment can happen anymore. We can't actually create those boundaries until we befriend the parts. Because otherwise, if we're just sort of like, if we're not tending to what's happening inside and we're just putting up boundaries, they're fake. They're, you know, you leave me alone. I'm not going to do that. It's like knives-out boundaries. But it's not really a boundary. It's just rage.

• 40:14Codie Sanchez?

  Yeah, it's just, yeah, it's just some sort of defensive posturing, basically.

• 40:18Speaker 02

  A real boundary comes, it's a defensive posturing, exactly. And a real boundary comes when you have so much self-compassion and love that you literally have zero capacity anymore to put up with the crap. And you are so tuned to your inner world that you will say, hey, nah, that's not coming in here.

• 40:42Codie Sanchez?

  And how do you communicate that? So let's say, you know, we're moving through the self-help journey and, and, you know, somebody comes to you and says, you know, You're wrong, you're a liar, you always lie about this, you're always the issue. I don't know, picture something like that. And then what is your, what is your response? How do you respond?

• 41:03Speaker 02

  I'm so happy that I've lived to tell this because it's one thing to be able to say all these nice things and teach a therapy, but it's another thing, or a spiritual practice, it's another thing to be like, I live this right now. So if you want what you got, you know, if you see somebody want what they have, do what they do, right? So I am in full body, living this right now, where the stuff that people, my husband, the people that I work for, that work for me, if they, that would come to me and hit me with these sort of old patterns that would trigger me and make me want to, you know, flip out, they don't have any, they can't puncture me anymore. Ninety-nine percent of the time, I can be in the presence of a person and their actions that once would make me flip out,

• 41:46Speaker 02

  get the knives out, lose my brain, you know, go crazy. I am now able to look at that person in the eye and say, this isn't for me. This isn't for me. This isn't for me. Or I'm able to say, I'm going to step away right now. This doesn't feel right for me, I'm going to step away right now. Or, no, you know what? That thing that you think is my job, actually, I employ you, that's your job. Thank you so much for doing it, I can't wait to see the Asana task complete. The simplicity of like, I'm not doing everybody else's job anymore. I'm not taking on everybody else's energy anymore. I am not gonna, you know, override myself anymore.

• 42:25Codie Sanchez?

  Yeah.

• 42:26Speaker 02

  I am living that in this moment.

• 42:28Codie Sanchez?

  Was there like a moment where that flipped?

• 42:31Speaker 02

  Recently.

• 42:32Codie Sanchez?

  For you?

• 42:32Speaker 02

  Really recently. Yes.

• 42:34Codie Sanchez?

  What, what happened and what lessons do you have for that? Like, how did that?

• 42:38Speaker 02

  I started elevating my self-help IFS work. So the self-help work I was doing really actively and it's, you know, I think it's like 20 years of hard work for overnight success. You know, I've been sober 20 years, I've been deeply committed to my therapeutic practices. I've been on a spirit, I've been on a spiritual path my whole life. And so I believe that it is the one day at a time. But then I started working with a new therapist and I was really ready for her and I was really feeling safe with her. And I was starting to just tend to some of these parts more deeply and go to some of the darker, deeper parts. And it's called unburdening in IFS. These parts start to feel like they can alchemize and they can become free and they become unburdened from the past.

• 43:21Speaker 02

  And so I started having these experiences of unburdening these parts. And just seeing that overnight after one of these sessions, I could be completely different. And I could feel the shift. And again, I think it's, I think it's one day at a time, 20 years of hard work for overnight success. But along the way, I've had extraordinary miracles and so many moments of relief. So it's not like, oh, I have to get 20 years to get this. I wrote a book so that you could get it faster. Yeah. What's your favorite book of all the books you've written? Do you have a favorite? Yes, I do. My favorite book is The Universe Has Your Back. Yeah, it's such a classic. It's my most popular book, but I think that the reason it's my favorite is because, and maybe you have this experience in your own life.

• 44:06Speaker 02

  I have this memory of the darkest time of my life. I was 36 years old. And I remembered my childhood trauma. I had dissociated from it for 30 years. So I was 36 and I remembered it. And I remembered it in a dream. And it was really, it was so scary. And when you have a suppressed memory, what happens is, is that you almost are catapulted back into the memory. And the part, the young part, it starts to get activated. And you almost feel like you're in that child part again. At that time, by the grace of God, I had no speaking engagements for like a three-month runway. This is like a miracle. And I just had this space and I had my country. I lived part-time in the city and I had my country house. And I didn't have a child at the time.

• 44:48Speaker 02

  And so I just devoted my time to going up to my little whitewashed office. Like the floors were white and the ceilings were white. And it was these sort of like chapel-like ceilings. There was this white chandelier and a tiny little desk. And I'd sit at my laptop and I would just write. And I would just let the energy of the universe move through me. And writing that book healed me. And I just, I think so, it's making me emotional. Like I think so fondly about that time. And sometimes I long for it. And I want to recreate it in writing my next book. And I want to make, you know, I almost like want to, my friends of mine bought that house. I'm like, can I just go back to that room? It's now their son's bedroom. But it was such a magical time.

• 45:31Speaker 02

  And so the healing that I received in writing that is why that's my favorite book. Because that healing also has just helped millions of people. And it's, it's transmitted through the, through the text. But that energy is in every reprint. But for me, it's the fondest memory of writing.

• 45:49Codie Sanchez?

  I do think there's nothing more therapeutic for me than creating in times of difficulty.

• 45:56Speaker 02

  Right.

• 45:57Codie Sanchez?

  It's often the opposite of what I want to do.

• 45:59Speaker 02

  Mm-hmm.

• 46:00Codie Sanchez?

  But it is exactly what I feel like you have to do if you want to to fully move through it, at least for me.

• 46:08Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 46:08Codie Sanchez?

  It's like, it's the only way. I can't just sit in it. I can't just think in it. I have to create something to like, get it out of me.

• 46:14Speaker 02

  Yeah, and when you're creating, you can't, creation and chaos can't coexist at the same time. So when you're in that flow state of creation, that self-energy is emerging. Because that self-energy is a natural state inside of us, and it's just waiting to be revealed.

• 46:36Codie Sanchez?

  This is a little random, but you were talking about a therapist. How do you tell a good versus a bad therapist?

• 46:41Speaker 02

  Ooh, don't ask me that, because I've had some therapists that have not been good, and I thought they were for many years. So actually, do ask me, because I can tell you. Number one, do they make you feel safe? I had a therapist for a really long time, and I know that she was really important in my life, but in retrospect, I'm realizing how unsafe I felt with her. I dreaded the sessions. I was like, never, my parts, like these young parts of me, were not able to be exposed because they were scared of her. And it was just her style, or whatever, it was just sort of maybe her lack of integration, or I don't know exactly. But it didn't work for me, and I had a few therapists like that. And now, having a therapist who I feel so safe with and can do such deeper work with, I know the difference.

• 47:25Speaker 02

  So the first question I ask yourself is, do they make me feel safe? Do I feel like I can open up? Do they have genuine compassion for me? Are they, are they connected to me? Do they have self-energy, right? Are they curious? Are they confident? Are they calm in my presence? These, if they're a self-led leader, then that energy, that self-energy will help you heal.

• 47:51Speaker 00

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• 48:51Codie Sanchez?

  So good. Because these days I feel like everybody's a therapist. Everybody wants to be a life coach. Everybody wants to, you know, I always giggle at like 24 year old life coaches. I'm like, that's incredible. I'm 38. I couldn't even imagine, you know? But it's hard to figure out who to listen to.

• 49:09Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 49:10Codie Sanchez?

  And so I think that's really useful.

• 49:12Speaker 02

  I think you also meet your teachers where you are. So, you know, I started at 25. Actually, I was a 25 year old life coach and getting on stages and like filling just down the street here.

• 49:23Codie Sanchez?

  Did you call yourself a life coach?

• 49:24Speaker 02

  For a year, a few years. I actually wrote my first book based on my group coaching work that I did. I didn't do a lot of one on one.

• 49:30Codie Sanchez?

  When you were 25?

• 49:31Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 49:31Codie Sanchez?

  Get out.

• 49:31Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 49:32Codie Sanchez?

  And do you feel like you could help people when you were 25?

• 49:34Speaker 02

  Yes. I was newly sober. I was really, really deeply spiritual. I was only teaching from the place that I was. So I was teaching spiritual principles. I would not have been able to write a book like Self Help then. I didn't have any of that, that capacity, but I could write a spiritual book. I was teaching what I knew and I think that the beauty is is that the the women that entered into my apartment, my studio apartment down the street 10 blocks away, were were 25 year old women. They were me, right? They were they were reflections of my likeness. And so you you often will find that teacher that you recognize yourself in. And now my audiences are much less age specific and gender specific, but that's also just because I'm more neutral. Like, I'm just more like, I've got this wisdom that I'm willing to

• 50:19Speaker 02

  share and it can be resonant for for all. But at that time, that was what related to that that person. So for the 24 year old life coach out there, the only message I have for them is yes, do it, but do your own work. Don't just make it up.

• 50:32Codie Sanchez?

  Yeah.

• 50:33Speaker 02

  You know, it's not about being an influencer life coach. It's about being someone who's healing yourself first.

• 50:39Codie Sanchez?

  Yeah.

• 50:40Speaker 02

  Are you coaching yourself?

• 50:41Codie Sanchez?

  Yeah. Well, it's probably to your point about like compassion and everything coming backwards. It's probably because I look back at young Cody. You know, it's all a projection. So I look back at young Cody and I'm like, man, there's so many things that I thought I knew back then that I didn't know. And I'm sure in 20 years, I'll look back at 30 year old Cody and be like, she also didn't know a lot of this. And so to kind of give compassion with where you're at. But the other thing that I'm curious about, what do you think about couples therapy as opposed to individual therapy?

• 51:11Speaker 02

  I think we need both.

• 51:12Codie Sanchez?

  You do?

• 51:13Speaker 02

  Oh, oh, yeah.

• 51:14Codie Sanchez?

  And so and should you go to-

• 51:15Speaker 02

  If you can afford both, do both.

• 51:17Codie Sanchez?

  Should you go to the same therapist for both?

• 51:19Speaker 02

  Typically, no. Typically, it's best to have, it's not that you can't, but I think it's best to have your own therapist, they have their own therapist, then you have a couples work.

• 51:28Codie Sanchez?

  Who is separate. So basically, there are three therapists.

• 51:31Speaker 02

  That'd be ideal.

• 51:32Codie Sanchez?

  Interesting. Okay, that's useful. And because you can't-

• 51:35Speaker 02

  Now, that's a luxury for a lot of people, right? So like, let's be real.

• 51:38Codie Sanchez?

  Totally.

• 51:39Speaker 02

  So so if you don't have that luxury, you can't afford even one therapist, you know, there's so much, there's so many tools. I mean, there's like, I have an AI now in my app, right? You can talk to me. It's built on 20 years of wisdom, right? Like, if you want a spiritual life coach, like, it's there in your pocket. There is something to be said for you don't have the resources. Okay, use AI. I'm not against it at all. I think that there's been many instances where AI has given me better advice than some therapists have had.

• 52:04Codie Sanchez?

  Yeah.

• 52:05Speaker 02

  I hate to say it, but-

• 52:06Codie Sanchez?

  Do you have your Gabrielle AI? Does she- Kind of push back too, because what I've found with AI is it's almost a little bit like a people pleaser.

• 52:18Speaker 02

  So Gabby AI is in my Gabby Code G app, right? She doesn't do that, no. She is delivering the wisdom. So she's powered, I guess I call her a she. She's powered by 20 years of wisdom, 2011 self-help book. She has my exact voice. When I answer a question, I've done this on stage, it's really ballsy, but I'll answer a question in front of like 2,000 people. And somebody will ask me, I'll answer it and then I'll ask my AI to answer it. And it's like literally the same question.

• 52:50Codie Sanchez?

  That's so creepy.

• 52:51Speaker 02

  It might sound a little bit more elegant when she says it because she's just like very profound, but it's the exact same answer because she's powered by me. And so I can't be in everybody's pocket and I'm trying to, you know, just make sure that I can democratize this work and get it to as many people as possible. And I'm going to lean into the tools and use them as I can.

• 53:10Codie Sanchez?

  Yeah.

• 53:10Speaker 02

  And of course, there's never anything that's better than the real experience in person.

• 53:13Codie Sanchez?

  Yeah, that's a good point. I have a Cody AI through this company called Delphi.

• 53:17Speaker 02

  That's mine too.

• 53:18Codie Sanchez?

  Yeah, and I think Dara, the CEO is incredible.

• 53:21Speaker 02

  He's a great guy.

• 53:22Codie Sanchez?

  But the part that I think is the most interesting is that it can be so specific and up to date too. And so like with all the new research that comes out, and I might not know exactly like what is a correct SBA loan rate right now. Like, fuck, I don't know, I haven't gotten one in a year, so I might not be up to date. So I do think it is a little bit of a superpower. But what I worry about, like I was talking to Mark Manson about it.

• 53:44Speaker 02

  Yep.

• 53:45Codie Sanchez?

  And he has one and he's like, well, the problem with just going straight up chat GPT is it just kind of, it makes you seem right all the time. And I've seen my women friends are the worst.

• 53:54Speaker 02

  Okay, so I was having a conversation with my chat the other day and he sounds like a San Francisco bro. Like, he's like, yeah, hey Gabby, how you doing? And I was like, so I was kind of testing it. I was like, who are the best spiritual teachers? Really, who are the best manifesting teachers? And it's like Dr. Wayne Dyer and Louise Hay and Joe Dispenza. And I was like, who else?

• 54:18Codie Sanchez?

  You're like, you're my guy.

• 54:19Speaker 02

  Finally, he's like, well, if you would like a modern day take, Gabrielle Bernstein. And I was like, do you, don't you know I'm Gabrielle Bernstein? And he was like, oh, I'm so sorry about that. Of course I know you're Gabrielle Bernstein. You are the profound spiritual teacher and you have 11 books. And he was like, literally kissing my ass.

• 54:34Codie Sanchez?

  Fascinating, but also scary.

• 54:36Speaker 02

  So scary. And it was weird because I felt like my ego was being struck by my AI. And then I was later like asking him some questions about social media. I was like, do you think that you could be my social media marketing companion? And he's like, absolutely, I'd love to. And I was like, so all of a sudden like this dopamine rush happened. I was like, I have help, you know? And I could see how people could get so hooked into AI and believe it's real.

• 54:57Codie Sanchez?

  I think that's the problem. I mean, I read a study the other day where women are more susceptible

• 55:03Speaker 02

  Definitely.

• 55:04Codie Sanchez?

  actually to falling into relationships with, with their AI. And, and I saw it firsthand with my friends. Some of them had named their AI and given them a specific voice and, um, you know, started talking to it like a human, which I guess isn't bad, but saying like, hey, could you please do this like as soon as you can? That would be really lovely. Thank you, as opposed to just like, download this report. And I think it's kind of dangerous.

• 55:25Speaker 02

  Well, listen, the AI dystopian future is real. We can't pretend like it's not. We have to wake up to what's coming. And then at the same time, we have to learn it and be able to use it. Because the folks that have the capacity to use AI are the ones that are going to still have jobs. And then leaning into it and using it for good is one approach, but it's coming no matter what.

• 55:53Codie Sanchez?

  Yeah. Okay, I want to talk about your new podcast.

• 55:56Speaker 02

  Sorry, I went really dark there, but it's true.

• 55:57Codie Sanchez?

  No, it's, it's, it's true. With every technology too, you know? But especially this one. I've never seen anything move as fast as this in my life.

• 56:06Speaker 02

  Well, because there's a race. You know, they're, they're racing for the, for the crown.

• 56:10Codie Sanchez?

  I know, it kind of gives me the goosebumps in not a great way.

• 56:13Speaker 02

  Not a good way.

• 56:14Codie Sanchez?

  But I want to talk about like something that is a little crazy for me, but probably normal for you. You have a new version of your podcast, Dear Gabby, that is on YouTube and going to come out. And on it, we were talking about beforehand, and you're like, here's what I'm gonna do. And I think I can say what it is, right? Which is, you said you're a psychic and you're gonna bring psychics on.

• 56:34Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 56:35Codie Sanchez?

  Will you explain, like, what is that? What does that mean? When I think about a psychic, I think about like the wigs and the belts.

• 56:41Speaker 02

  Well, I'm a medium.

• 56:42Codie Sanchez?

  What does even that mean?

• 56:43Speaker 02

  This means that I can hear spirit. I can, I can channel through my writing. I can channel through my words. I can tune in. And I'm not the kind of medium that's like, your grandmother wants you to not eat eggs anymore.

• 56:53Codie Sanchez?

  Copy, copy.

• 56:54Speaker 02

  You know, like, that's not me.

• 56:55Codie Sanchez?

  Okay.

• 56:55Speaker 02

  I'm, I'm usually typically working with, with high level guides to help people with their highest purpose.

• 57:00Codie Sanchez?

  Got it.

• 57:00Speaker 02

  And so you can see my, my left hand just went numb. So sometimes when I start to channel my, that's like my cue. Okay, your hand goes numb.

• 57:06Codie Sanchez?

  It's creepy.

• 57:07Speaker 02

  Yeah, it's kinda cool. I mean, honestly, it's just, it's just that we all have capacity to, to connect to the spiritual realm. But we have a veil that's really thick in that way. And those of us who have the access to that, that knowledge and that wisdom in a way that's easy to access, it's just that the veil is a little thinner. And the more faith you have, the more that veil can lift. But, you know, you're a medium too, my love, because, you know, when you're channeling, when you're, when you're in these rooms, like you, in an interview setting are channeling. When you're writing, you're channeling. When you're speaking on social, you're channeling. You can often be like, maybe, have you ever been on stage where you're like, what did I just say? I don't remember that.

• 57:40Codie Sanchez?

  Yeah.

• 57:41Speaker 02

  That's channeling. And so when we raise our energy, or actually, in really many cases, it's calm our energy and attune our energy to the frequency of the spiritual realm, we can actually have a, have that kind of connection and that wisdom. And so many of my friends are actual psychic mediums and they, their profession is to read for people. Like, you know, your grandma wants you to stop eating eggs, right? Or whatever it is. And so I'm gonna do this whole new episode that's gonna rock. It's gonna be live. It's gonna be in my studio that I've just built, building now. And it's gonna be me and my medium friends. And it's gonna be called Dear Guides, where we sit together in the room, just like you and I are right now. We take a topic, like any kind of podcast topic. We talk about it, but we also bring the guides in and let them communicate too.

• 58:25Codie Sanchez?

  Wow, interesting.

• 58:26Speaker 02

  It's gonna be killer.

• 58:27Codie Sanchez?

  I know, I can't wait to see this.

• 58:28Speaker 02

  Go subscribe to my YouTube channel.

• 58:30Codie Sanchez?

  Totally. I, well, I think, you know, the other part that's interesting to me increasingly with your work is that...

• 58:39Codie Sanchez?

  You know, you get to a point in life where you've pushed a ton. And I think a lot of people listening right now, that you know, they're in that survival mode, they're pushing super hard. And then to your point, you, if you felt like a moment of what it feels like to be in flow, you know, and some people could say that's flow state, maybe you think it's channeling, or they're a mixture of both.

• 58:58Speaker 02

  Both.

• 58:58Codie Sanchez?

  Yeah. It's incredible how much easier things are, but they can be more profound. And like my, one of my pushes this year, last year was actually, every year when I do goals, I name the year, just like one word. So last year was flow, the year before that was my full send year. That was like the year I did the book launch and everything. And so I was like, I know this is going to be a lot of work, but like, I'm going to dive in. And last year, similar to you, I was like, I want things to flow easier. I want the team to be full of, so it was pros and flow. I want like a pro in everything that I do, so everything feels like it's flowing a little bit more.

• 59:29Speaker 02

  Love that. I'm going to take that one.

• 59:30Codie Sanchez?

  Yeah. You know what? It really helped me last year.

• 59:33Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 59:33Codie Sanchez?

  Especially for people who are talent and leadership.

• 59:37Speaker 02

  Yes, yes, yes. It's hard.

• 59:38Codie Sanchez?

  It's hard, it's uniquely, it's different.

• 59:41Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 59:41Codie Sanchez?

  I won't say, there's all types of hard. But this idea of like pros and flow really helped me. And then this year, I've realized I want my year to be abundance. And so I've spent a lot of years building things and this year, and I've always felt like, no, no, it's choose your hard. Like that was my tagline for forever, which maybe has consequences, you know. Full send, you know, everything has to be a struggle. You find your, you know, your, your purpose in the struggle. And this year I was like, I wonder what it would be like if we could just say like, there might be a lot of abundance that's coming my way.

• 1:00:14Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:00:14Codie Sanchez?

  So I was curious, your take on like, if you're sitting down and writing goals right now, as Gabrielle Bernstein, what does that look like? Do you name your year? Are you really thoughtful about the words that you use?

• 1:00:27Speaker 02

  Mm hmm, I am.

• 1:00:29Codie Sanchez?

  Like, tell me about that.

• 1:00:30Speaker 02

  I'm actually doing my own manifesting challenge. I'm day five.

• 1:00:33Codie Sanchez?

  Oh, love this.

• 1:00:34Speaker 02

  And the, yesterday was what are you a yes for? Day three was what are you a yes for? And I was really clear, you know, I'm a yes for me this year, investing in me. And that means investing in my podcast base and investing in my production. And similar to what you said, you're just getting the, The, the, the top players around me to, so that I can be more in that creative space. And that clarity also is helping me because I'm, you know, I said earlier, like I'm juggling the Tupperware. I want to be just juggling the china. My husband was pulling me into something, because we work together, was pulling me into something that felt like Tupperware. And I was like, babe, I, I was like, I can't, I don't want to, I'm not going to, because I have that clarity of I'm, I'm going to be in me and investing in me.

• 1:01:18Speaker 02

  I really love for you, this, this time for abundance. It's a very maternal nature. Do I, oh my God, I'm channeling you. Okay.

• 1:01:26Codie Sanchez?

  Do this. So funny you said that. Cause you know why abundance? Also a bun, because I want to have a bun in the oven. That's so wild.

• 1:01:33Speaker 02

  I know. Do you want me to channel for you?

• 1:01:35Codie Sanchez?

  Yeah.

• 1:01:36Speaker 02

  Okay. So they're saying like, enjoy the fruits of your labor. The, the old energy of, you know, crush it, push it, that actually can't coexist with birthing. Okay. Or, or, or receiving, right? It's, you need to get yourself into the receptive energy. Actually, no need to do anything. You're moving into receptive energy. Okay. And the receiving energy is going to be uncomfortable for you. You're not going to, you're going to be like, I don't know who this is. I don't know what to do here. But, but you're, what you wanted, there's that, that desire is there. And so it is going to be, you know, facing parts of yourself. That's why the IFS stuff came up for you. Facing parts of yourself that,

• 1:02:16Speaker 02

  that need to be, have compassion and need some love to say, okay, no, it's, it's safe to, to stop crushing, right? It's safe to stop pushing. It's safe, it's safe to believe that things don't have to happen through force, but they can happen through freedom. And that there's a baby that's coming, that wants to come in, needs you to, to settle. It's like, almost like your whole nervous system has to just like shake out. And the irony, what's going to happen for you, Cody, is that the more you get into that abundance energy and that maternal energy and that flow, the more success you'll have. And you're going to be like, wait, why did I get this sooner? But it's okay. Cause you had to do everything that you've done to get to the place where now you can feel the freedom to let go.

• 1:03:00Codie Sanchez?

  That's so creepy. That's so true. It's also weird because it makes me get a little emotional. You're talking, is that normal?

• 1:03:07Speaker 02

  It's good.

• 1:03:09Speaker 02

  I'm gonna crack you.

• 1:03:09Codie Sanchez?

  I know, just one tear. I remember when I was on Diary of a CEO, I was like, Stephen, I will not cry on this podcast.

• 1:03:15Speaker 02

  I watched that.

• 1:03:16Codie Sanchez?

  But Gabrielle did.

• 1:03:17Speaker 02

  Yes, exactly.

• 1:03:18Codie Sanchez?

  But that was beautiful. How do you, how do you, do you ever get freaked out that you're gonna say something and like it's not?

• 1:03:24Speaker 02

  No, cuz I wouldn't.

• 1:03:25Codie Sanchez?

  And you've just been doing this for so long?

• 1:03:27Speaker 02

  And I also don't, I only get, like I said, I only get information about like up leveling and like higher purpose and, and I get just beautiful information of like people that are in transition or people that, just like in this moment, your, your baby's coming. It's the maternal energy that's coming through you and that you need to get your energetic state to the same frequency that your physical state is. And your physical state's in really good shape.

• 1:03:46Codie Sanchez?

  Interesting.

• 1:03:47Speaker 02

  But it's just getting your energy to be receptive.

• 1:03:50Codie Sanchez?

  So does that mean that I, when you say you have to get your nervous system shake out, what does that typically, what would that mean for people?

• 1:03:57Speaker 02

  I mean, for you, I think it's about reprioritizing where you invest, right? So it's like, it's like the, you know, if you're like, I could push further, I could push harder. In those moments where you hear that word, push, I would just say, I can pause. Right? Just giving yourself that sort of back and forth of noticing the desire to push and then maybe giving yourself the permission to pause because that pushing is actually gonna get in the way of the receiving.

• 1:04:25Codie Sanchez?

  That's such a good point. Okay, I'll just give you all my good vendors and things I wanna push. You can push this year?

• 1:04:30Speaker 02

  Ah, well, no, I'm not pushing.

• 1:04:32Codie Sanchez?

  Are you gonna push here?

• 1:04:32Speaker 02

  No, no, no pushing, no.

• 1:04:33Codie Sanchez?

  What's this year?

• 1:04:33Speaker 02

  I'm, I'm in purpose.

• 1:04:35Codie Sanchez?

  Oh.

• 1:04:35Speaker 02

  Purpose is my word.

• 1:04:36Codie Sanchez?

  Don't you feel, I feel like I look at you and would think, purpose was every year.

• 1:04:40Speaker 02

  So, purpose has been every year, but it, it's committing to me.

• 1:04:43Codie Sanchez?

  As the purpose.

• 1:04:44Speaker 02

  And as the purpose, yeah.

• 1:04:45Codie Sanchez?

  Yeah, because you're serving all these, and that can be, but I do, you get off a stage, at least for me, and I'm like, so fired up, but also, like, ugh, I just need to get home and have a tea or something and be by myself. So I imagine when you're serving all these people, there's a part of you that you're like, I gotta fill up again, too.

• 1:05:02Speaker 02

  Yeah, that's why I like moved my studio up to the country. It's like, I'm just gonna be, try to be home more and then go out for things that I feel really purposeful.

• 1:05:10Codie Sanchez?

  Ah, I love that. Well, that was so beautiful. I wanna end on basically where you feel like we should end. For somebody who's listening, I wanna like, serve, I, I thought about this the other day. On average, we get like a million to 3 million people listening to this across shorts and videos and all of it. And I took that really seriously.

• 1:05:29Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:05:29Codie Sanchez?

  Oh, my God.

• 1:05:30Speaker 02

  Yeah, you forget who's listening.

• 1:05:31Codie Sanchez?

  That's a million hours.

• 1:05:33Speaker 02

  Yes, we love you.

• 1:05:34Codie Sanchez?

  Yeah, we love you. And I want to honor every single second of that because life is precious. And so as you think about, you know, the person who is listening to this right now, and hopefully finding guidance from it, what would you share?

• 1:05:50Speaker 02

  Well, I think a lot of your listeners are much like how I was when I was first starting out as an entrepreneur and was really like hustle and strive and push and make things happen. And I achieved successes that way. But I want to give them the moment to hear me now. This is with 20 years as an entrepreneur, 25 years as an entrepreneur, and 20 years of spiritual wisdom, to say that you can do less and attract more. And that it's safe to slow down and it's safe to invest in yourself. And the more you, the sooner you learn that, the more success you'll receive.

• 1:06:27Codie Sanchez?

  Promise?

• 1:06:28Speaker 02

  I promise I can stand by it.

• 1:06:31Codie Sanchez?

  Gabrielle Verzini, this was so good. Follow on all the socials. I love you on Instagram. Subscribe to the YouTube channel. Dear Gabby, I can't wait for the first episode. Thank you so much for being here.

• 1:06:39Speaker 02

  I love you.

• 1:06:40Codie Sanchez?

  Right back at you.

• 1:06:46Codie Sanchez?

  We are sitting on a generational wealth creation event. If you're here, this means you're a builder. As we're going through these next three days, I want you to know that the American dream starts with you guys by our little Main Street revolution.

• 1:07:00Speaker 04

  And then I just want to give you guys permission to take a leap of faith.

• 1:07:06Speaker 04

  If I knew then what I know now, I would probably do bigger deals.

• 1:07:11Speaker 05

  It's given us an extra layer of security that we never would have had.

• 1:07:15Codie Sanchez?

  I am so excited to introduce you to some ordinary people doing extraordinary things.

• 1:07:22Speaker 06

  We have to really take the time to make a meaningful connection. It's the fact that there is a lack of connection and the person just wants to be seen, heard, and understood.

• 1:07:31Speaker 06

  Thanks for taking the question.

• 1:07:32Speaker 05

  Are there extra things that need to be done when trying to pay off bad debt? Great question.

• 1:07:40Codie Sanchez?

  I buy businesses so simple, even your grandmother understands them. That's the game.

• 1:07:45Speaker 06

  It's you and me versus the problem. We're going to try to solve this together.

• 1:07:48Speaker 04

  I know how to build trust in a very advanced way.

• 1:07:51Speaker 07

  How does buying a business fit into the vision for your life?

• 1:07:55Speaker 08

  Today, my goal is to teach you some fundamental skills that you can use to accelerate your business.

• 1:08:01Speaker 06

  If you make a promise in the mirror, know that your word is friggin' iron to you. These people on Wall Street, they want to keep the normal people out of the game.

• 1:08:13Codie Sanchez?

  Main Street millionaires are all around this world, and it starts with each and every one of you.

• 1:08:21Codie Sanchez?

  What are you waiting for? Your path to ownership starts now. Get your ticket to join us on Main Street. Join us today.

• 1:08:29Speaker 09

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