How to mentally reset when you’re stressed out (w/ Dr Jenny Taitz)

It’s hard to not feel stress at the state of the world today, so how can you cope with stressors without letting them completely overwhelm you? Clinical psychologist Jenny Taitz spends most of her days helping clients navigate through their stress. She shares why she uses Dialectical Behavior Therapy, or DBT, in her therapy work, whether a cold plunge can help you snap out of your messy ruminations, and why doing a few tasks each day to practice for pleasure and mastery can help improve your mood. Featured guest Follow Dr. Jenny Taitz on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/drjennytaitz/, LinkedIn https://www.linkedin.com/in/dr-jenny-taitz-02216025/, and at https://www.drjennytaitz.com/Buy Dr. Taitz's book Stress Resets https://www.amazon.com/Stress-Resets-Soothe-Your-Minutes/dp/1523523328/ref=sr_1_1?crid=1QBSUX36GGNS0 Connect with the team Follow Chris on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/chrisiduffy/?hl=en and at chrisduffycomedy.com https://chrisduffycomedy.com/Buy Chris’ book, Humor Me https://t.ted.com/ZGuYfcL Watch How to Be a Better Human videos on YouTube at TEDAudioCollective https://www.youtube.com/TEDAudioCollectiveFollow TED on X https://x.com/TEDTalks, Instagram https://www.instagram.com/ted, Facebook https://www.facebook.com/TED, LinkedIn https://www.linkedin.com/company/ted-conferences/, and TikTok https://www.tiktok.com/@tedtoks For the full text transcript, visit go.ted.com/BHTranscripts https://go.ted.com/BHTranscripts Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy https://acast.com/privacy for more information.

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:02Chris Duffy?

  This is How to Be a Better Human. I'm your host, Chris Duffy, and I'm very stressed. Why am I stressed? Because I have access to the internet. Okay, I read the news. I know what's happening in the world. Also, I have young children and I worry about the kids. And then sometimes the kids need things in the middle of the night. So then I'm up in the middle of the night. So then I'm tired the next day and I still have to record a video making an intro for the podcast. But there are these deep, dark circles under my eyes. And also, there's so much work to do. And speaking of work to do, there's always more work to do. And there's also always more laundry and always more cleaning and always more groceries and always more bills to pay. There's so much stress and it all just keeps coming. You know, all of us have stress in our lives. And some of us handle it in healthy ways and others of us maybe in less than healthy ways. So I

• 0:47Chris Duffy?

  think that I know that I need to, and I bet a lot of you also need to, talk to today's guest, Dr. Jenny Tates. She is a licensed clinician with a doctorate in clinical psychology, and she is the author of the new book, Stress Resets: How to Soothe Your Mind and Body in Minutes. Now, soothing my mind and body in minutes, that sounds pretty dang good. I would love that. The stressors are not going to go away. They're always going to be there. But maybe I and maybe we can learn some strategies to deal with them. So let's find out how to do it. To get us started, here is Jenny reading a passage from her book.

• 1:22Speaker 01

  Let's take an example that unfolded in my house. One morning, when my husband Adam was tired and rushing, not a good combination, he dropped a full carton of milk on the kitchen floor. Fuming, he cleaned it up rather aggressively and cut his hand on the cake plate at the bottom of our refrigerator. Unfortunately, we didn't have any bandages in the house. So feeling even more frustrated, he jumped in the car for a drugstore run. Agitated and replaying his horrible morning on the way home from the drugstore, he then got into a minor car accident. You can't make this stuff up. Of course, I have plenty of examples of how I have exacerbated an already stressful situation.

• 2:06Speaker 01

  Years ago, exhausted and newly back to work after the recent birth of my second child, began gnawing endlessly on my fingernail to the point where I found myself in the emergency room with an antibiotic resistant infection that required minor surgery. If I had only paused, observed my stress fueled urges, taken a few deep breaths, and tried one of the stress resets in this book, I'd have spared myself hours in the emergency room and multiple follow up visits with an infectious disease specialist. I'm pretty sure you have examples of your own.

• 2:39Chris Duffy?

  I have many examples of my own, and we are going to talk about them. But first, we're going to take a short break. We'll be right back.

• 2:54Chris Duffy?

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• 3:40Speaker 02

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• 4:55Chris Duffy?

  Today, we're talking about how to handle stress with Dr. Jenny Tates.

• 4:59Speaker 01

  Hi, I'm Dr. Jenny Tates. I'm a clinical psychologist and I'm passionate about spreading hope to a wide audience. So I often write about my favorite practices and my most recent book is called Stress Resets.

• 5:12Chris Duffy?

  So Jenny, thank you so much for being here. And I want to start with probably the most basic question, which is, what is a stress reset?

• 5:19Speaker 01

  A stress reset is something you can do quickly, literally within minutes, that can change the course of how stress affects you. One of the most unfortunate parts of being human is that we have a knack for taking something minorly stressful, like imagine like almost like a little stain, and we have a knack for like trying to fix it in a way that just makes it so much worse than it initially was. And so a stress reset kind of gives you this opportunity to keep it contained and maybe even make it better.

• 5:47Chris Duffy?

  So what is actually stress then, in the first place?

• 5:50Speaker 01

  Stress is these moments when we feel totally overwhelmed. It's like this mismatch between our bandwidth and what we're facing. It's when you kind of think it's too much, I just can't.

• 6:01Chris Duffy?

  So one thing that I really love about your book is that you talk about places where we can look at stress with our mind, but you also look at stress in our body. So can you talk a little bit about stress as it plays out in both of those realms?

• 6:17Speaker 01

  You know, it's interesting. When we're feeling kind of overwhelmed, we end up getting into a stress cycle. We start thinking thoughts that are catastrophic or negative. We say, we experience stress in our minds, like, you know, this is terrible. This is the worst thing that could possibly be. If there's something that's ambiguous and we're not sure what it is, our minds kind of default to expecting the worst or imagining things are going to be terrible. And then we experience stress in our body, obviously thinking thoughts, like, let's say you, your boss puts a meeting on your calendar. It's very easy to start to think like, I'm going to be laid off. And then obviously that's going to do a number to your body. Maybe you're going to start to feel really tense, short of breath. Then the third piece that I think is really interesting is then we often do things that make things

• 7:00Speaker 01

  that much worse. So if your boss put a meeting on the calendar, you're all tense. Maybe you decide like, I can't focus. I'm just gonna like procrastinate for like the next four hours until the meeting happens. And then you've put yourself into this whole tornado. And then the crazy thing, Chris, is, is that I've had so many clients that have had like this exact thing happen to them. And like, it's kind of hilarious. Like, some of the reasons for meetings could be like, the way you're parking in the company's lot. Like, it could be something that's so not like, I'm sorry, we're laying off your team. It's, it's nothing to do with like, the fact that you were late to a meeting. It's something that like, is kind of humorous.

• 7:38Chris Duffy?

  I so relate to that feeling of like, you have a panicked idea of what this thing is going to be. And then you waste the whole day because you can't stop fixating on it. And then it turns out that it was like, hey, by the way, I'm having a one-on-one call with everyone just to talk about like, we want to make sure everyone gets their favorite snacks. So what's your favorite snack?

• 7:54Speaker 01

  Love that.

• 7:55Chris Duffy?

  And you're like, wow, that's good and not bad. And also, so why did this have to be a meeting? But I was, I've been freaking out for hours.

• 8:00Speaker 01

  Totally. And even in our personal lives with like a text, like, hey, can we talk? It's like, I wanted to try to put something fun on the calendar versus like, you're a terrible friend and we need to like, end our friendship.

• 8:11Chris Duffy?

  I love to just like call unexpectedly and a lot of people are like,

• 8:14Speaker 01

  What's wrong?

• 8:14Chris Duffy?

  Do this to me. Yeah, like this is always reads as an emergency. And I'm like, I was driving for 20 minutes. I thought I would see how you're doing.

• 8:21Speaker 01

  Yeah, so sweet. No, and so I talk about resetting stress at all those like, at all those three junctures in our minds, in our bodies and in our behaviors. And you could do this in the moment, but you could also do this preemptively. Like, it's really hard in those moments to quickly think differently than how you normally think or to be able to recalibrate your body or be intentional about your behaviors. But there are things we could do ahead of stressful moments that are like preventative medicine.

• 8:48Chris Duffy?

  You talk in the book about like a stress reset versus a mental buffer. So can you walk us through what the difference between those two is and when we would apply one versus the other?

• 8:57Speaker 01

  Yeah, a stress reset is in those moments, in that moment where you get that email or you get a surprise call from Chris, like that is when you maybe need to reset right then and there. But a buffer or things that we want to do, it's almost like saving money for an unexpected cost that you were, you know, you suddenly need new tires or something. You want to be saving money in the bank. So it's really hard. A lot of people expect that all of a sudden, like they're going to be able to do something difficult, like not be judgmental in like a really hard moment if they haven't built up like the practice of being less judgmental or kinder to themselves. And so I think we need to be realistic. Like, I don't want to be, I don't want anyone to think like, you know, I tried this, it didn't work. You might need to be trying this at other times to like,

• 9:41Speaker 01

  if you want to really run fast during like a, you know, scary event on the street, you need to like have some ability to run fast, period.

• 9:51Chris Duffy?

  Well, one thing that is just, is just funny is you and I are both so clearly in Los Angeles in that like several of our things have been like a parking related stress or your driving stress. So like car related stresses.

• 10:03Speaker 01

  Running on the street.

• 10:04Chris Duffy?

  Yeah. But then you also have, I'm sure you get this all the time, but you have like such a naturally like calming voice and demeanor. I see why you are like a clinician who can help people deal with stress. Do you think that you've always had that? Or you think you've gotten more like that because of your clinical practice?

• 10:20Speaker 01

  Yeah, because I love that you're mentioning this because this is one of the things that has irked me so much. People online like accuse me of having like an artificial therapy voice. And I'm like, I am literally, I'm literally the worst actor. Like if you wanted to hire people for like a show, like I couldn't do it. I think maybe part of it is like LA, maybe part of it is my personality. But, but yeah, this is me in and out. My friends would tell you that this is me.

• 10:45Chris Duffy?

  Oh, I mean, in such a good way, not as a critique at all. Yeah.

• 10:48Speaker 01

  No, no, no. But I just want to clear the air. I'm like, why? When I do a podcast interview, do people say that I sound fake? I'm like, oh, my gosh, talk to me like tomorrow. Call me spontaneously when you're driving. I think a lot of people, maybe clients or people that might be watching this, have the sense that like somehow like I don't experience stress or because I exude calm. Like I am, you know, there's some sort of Teflon around me and stress doesn't penetrate. But like I feel I totally understand stress. I get stressed. I feel stressed. I just really try to practice every single thing I prescribe, like all the time.

• 11:20Chris Duffy?

  What are the main sources of stress for you?

• 11:22Speaker 01

  You know, in my clinical practice, I feel so honored and lucky to do what I do. But one of my specialties is working with people that struggle with chronic suicidality. And so I am often on like kind of on call, like I want to be helpful to people. And so they're, most of my patients are able to reach me between sessions. So I, I choose to work with a, you know, kind of like the psychological version of kind of the ER professionally. And then I have three little kids who are amazing, but there's also a lot of, you know, my son, like two nights ago was like at nine o'clock after I asked him like consistently since five o'clock, realized that he had like a major homework assignment that was

• 12:03Speaker 01

  like involved me taking pictures of him and like this whole thing. I'm like, dude, we've talked for four hours. Like what's due tomorrow? Nothing, nothing, nothing. And then it's a minor stress and it's a pleasurable stress. But you know, that's in the moment after you've been going since like 6am. It's like, what's happening? I have to do like homework with a eight year old at nine PM, which is not his prime time. Um, yeah. So yeah, the normal stressors and also like, again, like I'm human, like.

• 12:29Speaker 01

  You know, things, you know, affect me the same way they affect everyone else.

• 12:33Chris Duffy?

  Even just in the way that you framed it, right? You were like, I have this really serious job where often it is like a life or death thing. And I think anyone would argue like, that is so stressful. Of course, it makes sense that you're stressed. And then you said, like, I also like have my kid and he's wonderful, but then I'm stressed about like the having the homework. And that's a good thing. But one of the things that I do a lot, and I think a lot of people do is we sometimes have this like emotional judgment around the things that we feel stressed on. Like, oh, but this is like a gift, like getting to spend time with my kid. I shouldn't also feel stressed about that. And you talk in the book about how like layering that emotion on top of like, this isn't worthy of stress.

• 13:13Chris Duffy?

  Or this, I shouldn't be angry about this thing, or it's not, I'm not allowed to feel jealous, or whatever the emotion is, can sometimes be maybe like the main driver of the stress around the thing is that like, we don't allow ourselves to feel the way we feel. So I just would love to like, talk about that, since I think it came up there and it is such a natural and universal thing.

• 13:31Speaker 01

  Yeah, I mean, technically, we all have what's referred to as primary emotions, like the first thing that we feel. And then we can easily create secondary emotions. So I could feel anxious that like, you know, on a small level that like my kid has some project due. And I was supposed to email it to his teacher and like, I'm not up to date on the school emails and he totally forgot. So I could feel like a little small level of anxiety. And then I could start to judge like, what's wrong with me? Why am I feeling anxious now? And then I have like anxiety on top of anxiety, which for some people in a different situation could lead to panic. If like someone's heart's racing and they're like, this is so weird, like that could, you know, lead to like more anxiety. Or it could lead to different emotions. It could lead to something totally different, like, oh, my gosh, I'm so embarrassed.

• 14:13Speaker 01

  Why do I feel stressed by this? So it could be like anxiety, more anxiety, shame, then maybe there's guilt of like, like, why do I feel this way? This is like, it's embarrassing with him. It's bad for me. And so it could lead to this whole spiral. That's a very silly example, but I think in human life, it's like, someone was just telling me that, you know, they were listening to a song that was really sad in front of a child. And they felt embarrassed by emoting. And it's like, you felt sad and now you feel embarrassed. Now you feel worried about what that did. To that person, but it's like we're human. And so it's again, like the stress thing, we could either keep it small or we could create this whole web of layer on top of layer. And the first feeling that we have is helpful and productive. Like the first feeling is like,

• 14:58Speaker 01

  let's get this done. Let's go for like, good enough. This is not going to be perfect. We're just going to do this. Like, how fast can you like, do the things versus like, unprotected, which is like shame or more anxiety that could lead to like, not being in a position that you could actually do the thing. And so I think a huge thing that we can all do when we start to feel stressed, instead of getting into catastrophic thoughts, or instead of like berating yourself, is like normalizing the normal, like just being a good friend to yourself. It means it's so simple, but so something we don't do for ourselves, but we do easily for others. Of course you feel this way. Given this, of course you feel this. And it's just like a quick reframe versus like, what the hell is wrong with me?

• 15:43Speaker 01

  Where it's like, this makes total sense. And that immediately could probably take stress down a notch. And that's why we like enjoy talking to like the friends that are empathic and validating. And when we don't like, call people that, you know, say like, you're overreacting and don't worry what's wrong with you.

• 16:00Chris Duffy?

  I loved how in your book, you ground it in your practice and like what school of thought you are. And one of them that I wasn't as familiar with was DBT. And I just like to talk about it because it feels like it's at the heart of a lot of what we've already talked about and what we will continue to talk about. So can you tell us, what does DBT stand for? And what does it mean?

• 16:19Speaker 01

  Sure. DBT stands for dialectical behavior therapy. And it is a treatment that was developed by Dr. Marshall Linehan, who is an incredible pioneer. And just very interestingly, she came out later in her career in an article in the New York Times, sharing that a lot of the treatment that she developed was the treatment that she wished she had when she's really struggled with psychiatric. Crises and it's really incredibly moving. She actually had been hospitalized repeatedly for her own mental health challenges and treated in really inhumane ways and prescribed tons of medications that like really did more harm than good. And not that there's anything wrong with medications, but the medications she was prescribed were really

• 17:01Speaker 01

  not working for her. And the, literally the unit that she was hospitalized on, like ultimately became a DBT unit where she came out and told her story, which is really powerful. And so DBT is a treatment that combines Zen Buddhist principles with cognitive behavioral therapy. And so it teaches, it's called dialectical because it's kind of seems like a dialectic or an apparent contradiction. It teaches a hundred percent change alongside a hundred percent acceptance. So I wholeheartedly accept this moment and I also wholeheartedly will change and acceptance also kind of paves the way for change. And when you learn DBT, there's four specific tools that you learn. So a lot of people maybe think therapy is like you go, you share your problems, you do a lot of the work, your therapist listens,

• 17:46Speaker 01

  takes some notes and maybe summarizes some things. But DBT is almost like a class where your therapist teaches you a specific curriculum that includes four modules, mindfulness, how to be present in the moment without judgment and in a way that allows for more joy. Interpersonal effectiveness, how to assert yourself, ask for what you want, maintain relationships, be skillful in maintaining your objectives, self-respect and your relationships. Emotion regulation, how to manage your emotions. So they're kind of more on a dimmer system rather than an on off switch. And distress tolerance, how to cope with crises without making them worse. And DBT is a gold standard treatment for people that struggle with things

• 18:27Speaker 01

  like suicidality and self harm, substance use, a lot of co-occurring problems. But I think the DBT skills are amazing. And so one of my goals in writing Stress Resets is to like disseminate these to the masses because like every DBT therapist I know, myself included, feels like this is so cool. We won like the career lottery. I have all these like cool tools at my disposal. I could use them in my life. I could teach them to friends. But like, why not use them preventatively or to enhance quality of life? Like they don't need to just be used for crises or when you're at your lowest point.

• 19:02Chris Duffy?

  You know, just to read a quote from the book, you say, if you're wondering what the heck dialectical means, the term refers to the concept that ideas that seem in opposition can both be true. A key dialectic in DBT is that you can simultaneously accept what you're facing and change your life. And, and one of the, the things that I think comes up a lot for me, when I think about stress is this idea of like in my control versus outside of my control. Let me give you even the most extreme example, right? Like you live in a repressive authoritarian regime. The idea that like the solution to your problem is I just have to like, think about things differently. That's not true. And yet, changing the way

• 19:45Chris Duffy?

  that you think about things and your ability to get through each day when you're in a repressive authoritarian regime also could be a really big and important thing, even though it wouldn't change the like larger factor. So it's like, it doesn't solve the problem. And also, you can't solve the problem unless you are able to function. So I feel like that's one of the like big dialectics that obviously I'm picking the most extreme version of.

• 20:09Speaker 01

  Absolutely.

• 20:10Chris Duffy?

  So think about like, uh, talk to me about how we can think about stress in some of these ones where it is like very external. It's not just like how I'm perceiving things. Like you get in a car accident. That's clearly an external event. But how, how does the internal process also matter in that external event?

• 20:27Speaker 01

  Yeah. I mean, so again, like you can get into a car accident and think like, this is terrible. I'm never going to drive again. I've had patients that live in places like LA where you need to drive. And it's like, this thing happened to me and game over, I will never drive myself. I will be taking an Uber. I will not drive on the freeway. I'm just going to take roads, but we have to, you know, learn to, this thing happened. It was really awful. It was unexpected. It makes total sense that I feel anxious and stressed and I'm going to choose like, what would I do if I wholeheartedly approach this with like a beginner's mind or like, this was my first time doing this thing. And obviously I'm going to be cautious. I'm going to be careful and I'm, I'm going to totally accept any additional stress in my body as I approach this, but to continue.

• 21:12Chris Duffy?

  What would you say to someone who feels like, because they look at the news and they look at the outside world and they see horrible things happening and they see other people suffering, that their own suffering is unworthy because it's not big enough? It doesn't matter.

• 21:28Speaker 01

  I think that that is a really common example of self invalidation, like both things are true, like your pain. And again, this is so interesting. It's like the things that people tell us would make us like enraged, but then we tell them to ourselves on repeat. It's I've seen so many young adults whose parents are like, you have nothing to be upset about. Look at all the problems and look at how good you have it. And they're like, want to throw a book at their parents, but throw the phone at their parents, you know, but it's like when we tell it to ourselves all the time. I mean, I think both things are true. Like, I have every reason to be upset. And also, there's really big problems in the world. And, and it could also be helpful to be able to learn. And one of the things I talk about is also observing and describing your emotions. Like, I could say, you know,

• 22:11Speaker 01

  this thing that happened to me on a zero to five scale is a two and being, you know, in a war zone right now would understandably be like a five plus, like on a, you know, five being the highest. And so they're both things, you know, we don't want to minimize our experience, but we also want to have some perspective.

• 22:28Chris Duffy?

  We could all use some perspective and we're gonna get even more of it. But first, we are going to experience some podcast ads.

• 22:41Chris Duffy?

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• 23:23Chris Duffy?

  environmental change. In partnership with the Rolex Perpetual Planet Initiative, this is Planet Visionaries. Listen or watch wherever you get your podcasts.

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• 24:33Chris Duffy?

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• 25:32Chris Duffy?

  And we are back with Dr. Jenny Tates. I'd love to talk about some of the specific practices because I mean,

• 25:38Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 25:38Chris Duffy?

  Something that again is so fantastic about you and your work is you are so grounded in, what can people actually do like, okay, here's an actual practice that you can do. And here's your book is genuinely just full of practices.

• 25:50Speaker 01

  Seventy-five, yes.

• 25:52Chris Duffy?

  One of them is you talked about how you had a patient who you described for the difference between framing something as I need to calm down versus I need to get excited and how the exact same moment could be a calm down or a get excited moment, depending on how you looked at it. Can you talk a little bit about that?

• 26:09Speaker 01

  Sure, there's research that finds that you know, there's so much about emotion regulation is about appraisal. Like when we're excited, if you think about a time that you're really revved up, even maybe exercising or something like it could be joyful to have your heart rate up and to feel even like, you know, if you're laughing really hard, maybe your face is flushed. And but oftentimes, if we are in a different situation, the same physical sensations, we interpret the same physical sensations negatively. And so telling ourselves we need to calm down, especially if we're revved up, isn't helpful, but kind of channeling that into like, this matters to me. I care about this. My body's stress response is helpful can be really empowering.

• 26:50Speaker 01

  And there's actually a lot of work on adopting like a synergistic mindset around stress. So this combination of believing that like stress is adaptive, like stress is the price of a meaningful life. If you had no stress, you would probably be apathetic and have nothing going on in your life. And also that your body's stress response is helpful, like literally even there's a famous article that I like about turning your knots into bows, like literally seeing like knots in your stomach is like bows, like before you're going into the GRE, like this is a sign that I'm doing well. My stomach is like, you know, revving up my body to perform like this is not like, oh my gosh, like I'm going to fail because my stomach is growling. No, this is like a sign that you're going to do well. If you can reframe stress more positively, especially when it's in line with what matters

• 27:34Speaker 01

  to you and you can accept wholeheartedly your body's stress response, the combination of doing those two things and interventions that teach those two practices in like 30 minutes can actually correlate with.

• 27:47Speaker 01

  Reducing cortisol, reducing mental health challenges and also narrow achievement gaps. Like this is like a 30 minute intervention, like four years later can correlate with first generation college students actually graduating college. And so this isn't just like a nice kind of reframe. It translates into again, that behavioral piece of choosing behaviors and also changing the way you see yourself and the way and the course of your life. Like these, the, the goal of resetting stress is not to just feel better in this moment. It's to live the life that you want to live.

• 28:18Chris Duffy?

  You know, that, that idea of appraisal and reappraisal, you talked about how even though this is such an important skill and one that can really transform it, it also is a really challenging skill. And you say, um, just to read from the book on page nine, you say, one of the challenges of reappraisal is applying it to different situations. While participants in studies can actively rethink their stress responses in specific situations, like taking a test or giving a talk, they are not necessarily able to do the same when it comes to navigating a difficult relationship or worrying about a health issue. And then you talk about how that, that is actually like a transfer problem. I find that so much in my own life. Like I am so, you know, people get really stressed about public speaking. I love to speak public and some of that is just natural inclination, but some of it is

• 29:00Chris Duffy?

  like, as I'm about to go out on stage, I like jump up and down. I move my body. I'm like, great, great, great, great, great. And I'm like, then it turns into, I'm not stressed, I'm excited. But then people are often surprised to find out like, if I'm going into a room, like they had like a meet and greet at the preschool for my, uh, my son. And when I like walked into this meet and greet, which is just like a very friendly, low stakes thing, I'm not expected to do anything. I was like, my heart was pounding and I was so nervous to be like, I have to meet these parents and talk to them and I have to make a good impression and I, you know, I want to have a good relationship. Uh, it just didn't transfer for me in that way. So I'm curious, like, how do you transfer from one to another?

• 29:38Speaker 01

  Yeah, Chris, I mean, can I ask what you thought when you walked into the preschool? Like you said, you kind of just alluded to some, like I have to make a good impression.

• 29:45Chris Duffy?

  Yeah, it felt like, well, I'm like, what I do now is setting the tone for the next several years. And it's not just me. It's like, how are people going to see my wife? How are people going to see my kid? Will we get to have playdates? Like, you know, I had put a lot of stakes on it that I probably were not actually there.

• 30:02Speaker 01

  And what would be like a more helpful way to approach the situation?

• 30:05Chris Duffy?

  Well, I think probably the way that I actually approach, like if I was giving a talk to a hundred people, you know, like walking into a mar or a thousand people, whatever, I always say like, whatever, worst case scenario, they don't have fun, they'll never think of this again. If it's good, they'll remember it. If it's bad, they'll forget it.

• 30:19Speaker 01

  No, and if you could dial off the positivity or like the gratitude or the opportunity to savor, even I'm thinking of like, I'm about to walk into a room with people that are kids the same age. It's rare as an adult to be able to meet like so many people that live in the same area that are going through like a similar stage of life. This is an opportunity to maybe like connect with some people that are in a shared experience and a shared geographical area. But if we could think about it in a way that's useful and adaptive, and then I think automatically like just doing that would change your body's stress response, would change like the kind of social anxiety like in your body and like tension and maybe shortness of breath. But if

• 31:02Speaker 01

  not, even just if you are feeling like that in your body, despite thinking more neutrally or effectively about the situation or positively about the situation, you could still like, this is okay. This is normal. I care. You know, sometimes, sometimes going into a social situation, I similarly like experience like, oh my gosh, like my heart is going faster. Yeah, I haven't seen some of these people in ages and I, I want to make a good impression and this belongs. I mean, it's interesting, like, you know, for someone running the marathon, it's like there's some expectation of pain to be expected and acceptance of that and celebrating that is part of the process and part of the feat of like mind over matter. And I think we need to kind of bring some of that, like it makes total sense. If you're, if your body's doing something,

• 31:44Speaker 01

  how can you normalize the normal and not make the normal into pathological in a way that just creates this tornado of like your body and mind feeling like they're waging war against you?

• 31:54Chris Duffy?

  If I know I'm about to talk to a bunch of people, one thing that I do is I don't just like stand still and then walk out on stage. Instead, I like, I'm literally like jumping up and down backstage. I'm like skipping, I'm like fake punching the air. I'm just like moving my body and shaking my arms out and legs out. And I do all that just because it's like, it feels like, well, if my heart is racing and I'm jumping in these ways, that's how it's supposed to be. If I'm just standing still and my heart is racing, then it feels like that's nervous energy. It's not positive energy.

• 32:22Speaker 01

  Yeah. And that's one of the things, there's a specific set of skills called tip, temperature, intense exercise, paced breathing and progressive muscle relaxation. If you are feeling totally overwhelmed and like, You need to like do something different with your body, like intense exercise. And that that doesn't mean going to like a gym class that could literally be doing jumping jacks or burpees. And if you could attribute that, like, it makes total sense that my heart is doing this because I am vigorously exercising. And then that also like quiets your mind. You can't be like thinking your worst case scenario thoughts while you're doing a squat jump. That automatically like creates a different attribution and changes your body chemistry.

• 33:01Chris Duffy?

  You also talked about the power of of cold water, which I thought was really interesting. Just like having a bowl of ice water and putting your hand or your face into it can be one of these ways of just kind of like quickly resetting your body.

• 33:11Speaker 01

  Exactly. So that is part of the tip skills. So again, the T is temperature. And so there's a specific practice where if you like, the human body has this amazing feature that if your body is submerged, if your face specifically is submerged in cold water and you're holding your breath, you automatically like lower your heart rate and your blood flow is redirected from non-essential to essential organs. And so if you're feeling totally overwhelmed and something really horrible happened to you today, or you're really feeling unable to like kind of turn off rumination or thought spiraling, if you took like a salad bowl full of ice water, set a timer on your phone for 30 seconds, held your breath, stuck your face in the ice water.

• 33:54Speaker 01

  If you were wearing an Apple Watch, your heart rate would come down. It's like a control alt delete feature that we all have. I should also just say a disclaimer that if you have cardiac issues, this does change your heart rate pretty quickly. So it's not advisable if you do have a heart condition, but it's also a larger theme that in a matter of seconds or minutes, we can change things. We can totally, if you literally don't want to do that, even just having the mindset of I could feel better quickly. Like a lot of times, right in the thick of how we're feeling, we assume I will feel this way forever and it's going to get worse. It's like, actually, I could feel different in seconds in my body and in my mind. And things are constantly changing.

• 34:41Chris Duffy?

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• 37:08Chris Duffy?

  Another example that I wanted to talk about is you talk about, as one of these mind buffers, something that you can do regularly that can help you build your endurance and your stamina in the kind of mental sense around stress is you talk about untangling yourself from your negative core beliefs. I think this is such an interesting idea that like who we are versus who we believe ourselves to be, and that you could actually untangle those two things. So I would love to know more about what the difference between who we are and who we believe ourselves to be is, and how we can identify that difference.

• 37:48Speaker 01

  There's so many ways that we see ourselves in the world and other people that might have nothing to do with our reality. And so, you know, past painful experiences can create some sort of narrative in your mind of like, I'm not good enough, or I'm unlovable, or if people really knew me, they wouldn't care about me. And maybe we have beliefs about other people of like, people just want something from me, or beliefs about the future of like, things won't work out. And it's really, really hard to like, let facts penetrate if we hold on to these ways, like these, we see the world through these kind of specific glasses. And so it's helpful to kind of think about like, your life and how did you come to see yourself? How did you come to see other people? How did you

• 38:33Speaker 01

  come to see kind of your future? And see like, what are my core beliefs? And how do they make sense? And so a lot of people that I've seen that have been like, let's say bullied, feel like there's something kind of wrong with them, or they're not lovable, or they're not cool. And maybe that leads to behaviors, like avoiding initiating relationships, or reaching out to people, or putting themselves out there wholeheartedly and just kind of like... Doing what they think is like, you know, what they're supposed to do. And so taking a step back and thinking about like, what are my beliefs? What behaviors would I do to kind of transcend them? And what would I do if I didn't believe these things? Maybe I would just wear what I wanted to wear and do what I wanted to do and not feel like I needed to fix. And so I think it's it's helpful to think about like, what are my, the ways I see myself?

• 39:17Speaker 01

  And are they not helpful? And are they not relevant in this moment? And and that also leads to a lot of self compassion. It was really hard to, you know, at a pivotal age to have had a negative experience. How can I give myself the freedom of changing that now?

• 39:33Chris Duffy?

  I think I have for years had like a, a, a strong belief about myself that I am physically not capable of, of doing things. And I don't mean like, I can't move or I can't take care of myself. But like, when it comes to like fixing something.

• 39:49Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 39:49Chris Duffy?

  Or when it comes to like, being involved in like a sport or athletic, like I've just have had this belief that like, I'm not able to do those things. That that's, other people are good at that and I'm not. And if I try and do it, it will mess things up. And it has led me to then be like, I can't hang a piece of art in my house. I can't put a nail in the wall. That's something I have to either get help with or I have to hire someone or I just like, if I do it, it will cause this whole problem. And it's like, if someone asks like, do you want to come play on a, like a pickup basketball game? I'd be like, of course not. Like, why would you even ask me that? That does not sound fun. I don't like that. And so it's okay for me to not like that.

• 40:25Chris Duffy?

  But then some of it is like, the ability to like, attempt a small home repair or to like, go swimming and think of myself as a swimmer. It's challenging those beliefs. And then when I do it, I'm like, huh, but actually I do enjoy this. Or, oh, that actually wasn't as hard as I thought. Or even if I mess it up, it's not a big deal to mess it up. And now there's three or five or even 12 little holes in the wall, but they're all covered up by the painting by the time it's hung up. So who cares?

• 40:50Speaker 01

  I think it just speaks to like, our minds tell us these things and then they really affect the scope of our lives and what we choose to do. And who knows, like, maybe you would actually enjoy pickup basketball. But our minds kind of create these narratives and then we let our behaviors like follow. And what if we choose our behaviors and like expand our minds?

• 41:11Chris Duffy?

  I'll give you a more vulnerable one, which, you know, I don't, I, I have less of an explanation as to like where it comes from or, or what it is. But I think that I sometimes have this feeling that. The thing that makes me, and not even sometimes, I think I often, or maybe always have have this feeling that like, the thing that makes me good, or would make other people think that I'm good, is like a collection of evidence that I'm putting together. And that if I don't have a strong enough pile of evidence that I'm good, that like, it could be cross-examined away, and that actually, they would find out the truth that like, I'm not a good person, or I'm not worthy. You know, it's like, I, if I'm able to say like, well, I did this, and I did this favor for this person, and I was kind in this way, and like, look, judge,

• 41:55Chris Duffy?

  here's all the evidence, like, surely, I'm a good person. But it's not some sort of core internal thing.

• 42:00Speaker 01

  Yeah. No, I really relate to that. I was thinking about what my example would be, and it's like, I, my parents got divorced when I was young, and my mom got remarried, and my stepdad was kind of like a cliche stepdad of like, calling me an idiot when I was seven years old. And I think I adopted this idea that I'm like, not smart enough, or I'm not good enough. You know, I think we both collected the external validation around good enough. But like, what if I just see that the thought that I'm an idiot, or I'm not smart enough, is just a mental event from this childhood experience, and like, that is an understandable thing to hold on to, but I don't need to be fixing it in the way of external achievement after external achievement. And like, those things like, aren't satisfying, because they don't change the core belief unless you understand the

• 42:43Speaker 01

  core belief and do, what would you do if you didn't believe that to be true? Like, maybe take a break from the good enough external pursuits or validations?

• 42:52Chris Duffy?

  Hmm. It ties up something else that you, you've talked about in your work, which is like, sometimes if we act as though the thing is true, even if we don't believe it, that that can lead that thing to become true. And so like, for example, right, like, you are really depressed, and you are feeling horrible, and you don't have any energy. Sometimes the thing that could actually help is to just be like, well, what would you do today? If you weren't depressed and you did have energy and then to force yourself to do some version of that is like, even though you're like, the last thing I want to do is call up a friend and go see a movie. If you force yourself to do that, you may find afterwards, huh? I actually feel less bad than I did before.

• 43:34Speaker 01

  Exactly. And, and I just to tie one thread with the core beliefs, I think everyone has these and I don't want you to think that like, there's something wrong with you if you do. Like I was at a professional conference that was pretty experiential and we all had to wear name tags. And instead of it saying like Chris or Jenny, it said, I'm a terrible person. If people really knew me, they wouldn't like me.

• 43:54Chris Duffy?

  Wow. That's name tags.

• 43:56Speaker 01

  Yeah. And these people are amazing. And so I just think to normalize like this is part of the human condition and this doesn't require years of therapy to unpack or transcend. And then in terms of like the thing that you're saying about changing the way you behave, this is so powerful. I mean, there's a treatment called behavioral activation that is literally giving someone a schedule of a few things that might give you pleasure. Like you oftentimes people have to relearn pleasure if they're really depressed. Like the pleasure that they once experienced might not be the same amount when they initially go back. Just a few things that might give you pleasure and things that might give you a sense of accomplishment or mastery, something that's difficult, but possible. And if you do it, you would feel

• 44:38Speaker 01

  like, you know, a challenge was accomplished and then keep, you could keep growing. Doing a few things each day for pleasure and mastery over several weeks actually works as well as antidepressants for moderate depression. It's literally behavioral activation is a proven treatment that works as well as medications, no side effects. Getting a planner and being willing to do the things and also when you're doing the things, be totally present. Don't be thinking like, I'm the worst at, you know, home repairs when you're doing your first one or thinking like, no one likes me in a, you know, a social situation or something. And, and a lot of people think like, I'm going to wait till I feel better to do better. But you could be waiting forever and you could be feeling, put yourself in a position where it's so much harder. And so I think even thinking about today, like what are

• 45:22Speaker 01

  some things you would do if you were living the way you wanted to feel and letting the behavior kind of start from the outside in.

• 45:29Chris Duffy?

  Dr. Jenny Tates, it was such a pleasure to talk to you. You are really incredible and I am so grateful you made the time. Thank you so much for being on the show.

• 45:39Speaker 01

  Thank you, Chris, and I feel the same about you and I'm really honored to be here.

• 45:46Chris Duffy?

  That is it for today's episode of How to Be a Better Human. Thank you so much to our guest, Dr. Jenny Tates. You can find out more about her book, Stress Resets, and all of her other work on her website, drjennytates.com. You can find out more about me at chrisduffycomedy.com. I have information about my new book, Humor Me: How Laughing More Can Make You Present, Creative, Connected, and Happy, as well as my live show dates and all my other projects up there. How to Be a Better Human is put together by a team that makes my life so much less stressful, and I hope that they're doing the same for yours. On the TED side, we've got the unflappable Daniela Balarezzo, Ben Ben Chang, Michelle Quint, Chloe Shasha Brooks, Valentina Bohanini, Lainey Lott, Tansukasun Manibong, Antonio Lay, and Joseph DeBryan. Ryan Lash languidly edited this video, and the episode was fact-checked by Mateo Salas,

• 46:29Chris Duffy?

  who is chill about everything except inaccuracies. On the PRX side, our extremely relaxed audio geniuses include Morgan Flannery, Nora Gill, Patrick Grant, and Jocelyn Gonzalez. Thanks to you for listening. Please help me to not stress about new listeners by sending this to someone who you think would enjoy it. That's the number one way we get out to new listeners is word of mouth. We will be back next week with even more How to Be a Better Human. Until then, take care.

• 47:00Chris Duffy?

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• 47:46Chris Duffy?

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• 48:31Speaker 02

  This episode is brought to you by Parloa. Look, most businesses want their customers to feel heard, not stuck waiting around for someone who can help. Nothing makes you feel less important than sitting on hold for hours explaining the same problem to the fifth person who picks up. But here's the thing, the bigger you get, the harder it becomes to show up the way you want to in each customer interaction. Parloa solves that problem. Their voice-first AI agents handle customer conversations in a way that feels natural, personal, and helpful. They work 24/7 across voice chat and email in any language with zero wait time.

• 49:13Speaker 02

  Plus, your team gets access to features like Lens, which flags issues in real time, and Navigator, which figures out why those issues are happening and what to do next. It's secure, scalable, and built to serve the customer. When AI works well, it shouldn't feel like AI. It should feel like you're being seen and heard and valued. Unhold your customers with Parloa. Learn more at parloa.com. That's P-A-R-L-O-A dot com.

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  We'll have room for fried cookies.

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