The #1 Question to Ask Before You End a Relationship (THIS Episode Will Give You the Clarity You Have Been Looking For!)

When was the last time you felt genuinely happy with your partner? Do you feel more stressed or more at peace in your relationship? Today, Jay dives into one of the most draining patterns in relationships: trying to change someone who isn’t ready to change. Whether it’s a partner, friend, or family member, we often convince ourselves that if we just love harder, give more, or push in the right way, they’ll finally become the version of themselves we know they could be. Jay reminds us, people don’t change because of our hopes, our timelines, or our pain, they change when they’re ready and when the cost of staying the same finally outweighs the cost of growth. Jay dives into the psychology of why we hold on to someone’s potential, even when their actions show otherwise, often rooted in our own unmet needs or fear of being alone. He reminds us that the clearest way to see reality is to believe what people do, not what they say, and that patterns, not promises, reveal who someone truly is right now. Jay also challenges the belief that trying to change someone is an act of love, showing how it’s more often a form of control that keeps us from confronting our own discomfort. You’ll learn how to practice radical acceptance, not as giving up, but as an act of respect for yourself and the other person. Jay reveals why the most loving choice is sometimes to step back or let go entirely, showing that real change only happens in environments of shared commitment, not through pressure, persuasion, or endless patience. In this episode, you’ll learn: How to Stop Falling for Someone’s Potential How to See Patterns Instead of Promises How to Practice Radical Acceptance Without Lowering Your Standards How to Tell the Difference Between Love and Control How to Let Go Without Losing Compassion No matter where you are in your relationship journey, remember: you’re not here to be someone’s savior. You’re here to love them as they are, or love yourself enough to walk away. With Love and Gratitude, Jay Shetty Join over 750,000 people to receive my most transformative wisdom directly in your inbox every single week with my free newsletter. Subscribe here. Check out our Apple subscription to unlock bonus content of On Purpose! https://lnk.to/JayShettyPodcast What We Discuss: 00:00 Introduction 01:08 Can You Really Change Someone? 01:55 Patterns Tell You More Than Words Ever Will 03:35 The Illusion Of Potential 06:45 Actions Over Words 09:39 Control Isn’t Love! 12:32 The Hardest Form of Love: Radical Acceptance 18:01 Only They Can Choose to Change 21:32 Priorities Vs Preferences See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Jay Shetty?

  This episode is brought to you by AG1. Are you feeling September reset too? Shorter days, longer to-do lists, earlier alarms, all those routines you promised yourself you'd pick back up. It can feel like your whole life is recalibrating. And when everything around you is changing, it helps to have a few things you can rely on. AG1 Next Gen is one of those easy habits to keep. It's the clinically-backed, comprehensive daily health drink that supports your gut health, energy production, and foundational nutrition all in one scoop. AG1's ingredients are sourced from quality partners for absorption, potency, and nutrient density to deliver the foundational nutrition your body needs. And alongside a proper diet,

• 0:44Jay Shetty?

  AG1 Next Gen meets 94% of nutrient requirements and is clinically shown to enrich the gut microbiome. For a limited time, save 20% on your first subscription order of AG1 Next Gen or AG1 Pro at drinkag1.com/onpurpose. That's drinkag1.com/onpurpose. This episode is brought to you by Mazda. Confidence isn't something Mazda finds, it's something they practice. That's the thinking behind every Mazda. With proactive safety features designed to help keep you more aware, more connected, and more engaged with the road ahead. It's why Mazda has been named Consumer Reports' safest new car brand

• 1:27Jay Shetty?

  and has won more 2026 IIHS Top Safety Pick+ Awards than any other car brand as of July 2026. Visit www.iihs.org to learn more. A lot can happen when an accident doesn't. Visit MazdaUSA.com to learn more. Consumer Reports does not endorse products or services. This episode is brought to you by AG1. Are you feeling September reset too? Shorter days, longer to-do lists, earlier alarms, all those routines you promised yourself you'd pick back up. It can feel like your whole life is recalibrating. And when everything around you is changing, it helps to have a few things you can rely on. AG1 Next Gen is one of those easy habits to keep.

• 2:12Jay Shetty?

  It's the clinically backed, comprehensive daily health drink that supports your gut health, energy production, and foundational nutrition all in one scoop. AG1's ingredients are sourced from quality partners for absorption, potency, and nutrient density to deliver the foundational nutrition your body needs. And alongside a proper diet, AG1 Next Gen meets 94% of nutrient requirements and is clinically shown to enrich the gut microbiome. For a limited time, save 20% on your first subscription order of AG1 Next Gen or AG1 Pro at drinkag1.com/onpurpose. That's drinkag1.com/onpurpose.

• 2:56Jay Shetty?

  People change when they're ready, not when you beg. People change when their patterns hurt them, not just you. People change when they're humbled by reality, not when they're pressured by others. People change when it costs them something, not just you. People change for themselves, not for your hope, not for your timeline, not for your pain.

• 3:28Speaker 01

  The number one health and wellness podcast.

• 3:31Speaker 02

  Jay Shetty. Jay Shetty. The one, the only Jay Shetty.

• 3:37Jay Shetty?

  Hey, how's it going? Welcome back to On Purpose. It's Jay Shetty. I am so grateful to each and every one of you who've already subscribed. And if you haven't, it would mean the world to me if you click that button to make sure you never miss out on an episode. We're all here to become happier, healthier, and more healed. If you're someone that's on their spiritual journey, on your personal growth journey, this is the right place to be. This episode today is about something that we all struggle with. How many of you know someone, you see their potential, and when they don't live up to it? You feel pain.

• 4:20Jay Shetty?

  How many of you really want to change someone who's close to you? Could be a parent, a family member, a partner? And how many of you have been in relationships or are in one right now? Where you're constantly trying to get the person you're with to upgrade and up level? But it just doesn't seem to happen. This episode is for you and is all about what to do when people don't change. I read a quote that changed my life. It said, "People don't reveal themselves through their words. People reveal themselves through their patterns."

• 5:05Jay Shetty?

  Pay attention. So many of us listen to what people say, but we don't watch what they do. So many of us look at how people look, but not how they show up. So many of us get carried away by how people treat others, but don't look at closely at how they treat us. Observe patterns and you will know the person. Ignore patterns and you will forever be in love with potential. People are patterns. We all are.

• 5:46Jay Shetty?

  And yes, people can change their patterns, but as you know and I know, patterns take a long time to change. If you drive to work on the same route every day, how long will it take you to change it up? If you've had the same breakfast cereal every single morning for years, how long will it take you to change it? Those are physical things that may even be changeable. But the patterns that are hardwired in our mind, our subconscious and our thoughts require life-altering events often to set us on a new track. And that can sometimes be an extremely painful process.

• 6:30Jay Shetty?

  The first point I want to share with you today is the illusion of potential is a projection of your own wound. This is a harsh truth, but stay with me. When you fall for someone's potential, you're often falling for a version of them that only exists in your imagination, or worse, in your unfinished childhood needs. Think of someone you're trying to fix and ask yourself, what unmet need in me is trying to be met through them? Clarity starts there. We let people treat us badly

• 7:15Jay Shetty?

  because we crave connection. We let people talk to us poorly because we'd rather not be alone. We let people walk all over us because we don't know how to stand for ourself. But when we do those things, we don't change them, we lose ourselves. People change when they're ready, not when you beg. People change when their patterns hurt them, not just you. People change when they're humbled by reality, not when they're pressured by others. People change when it costs them something,

• 8:00Jay Shetty?

  not just you. People change for themselves, not for your hope, not for your timeline, not for your pain. When you realise that you can see someone's pattern, the question you have to ask yourself is, am I willing to stay here if the pattern remains the same? Am I willing to be present if they say they want to change? Often, we say, yes, but they're changing. Have they said they want to change? Have they showed you a plan? Have they committed to change? You may see small changes, but unless they vocalise this, unless they've verbalised it,

• 8:44Jay Shetty?

  unless they've communicated it with you, you're still living in imagination. No, no, you're thinking, Jay, what do I do when it's my family? What do I do when it's my partner? The first thing you have to look at is if it's abusive, or toxic, or highly emotionally manipulative.

• 9:02Jay Shetty?

  You've got to take a look at that very seriously. But if you're someone who is listening and saying, Jay, it's just, I'm not sure. I really wish they would do this. It would make a difference. You have to ask yourself how much you're willing to tolerate and be patient. You have to ask yourself how much you're losing yourself in the process. Only you know that. Step number two. Believe what they do, not what they say. If someone repeatedly disrespects your time, disappears during hard moments, or break boundaries, that's who they are. So if you're hoping for your partner to become more empathetic or less impulsive, the truth is, they may say those things, but what are you seeing? What are they doing? What are they acting?

• 9:47Jay Shetty?

  Because we're so emotional and sentimental, when someone says the right thing, don't you just light up inside? And you almost think to yourself, I've just been waiting for you to say that. I've just been wishing for you to say that. I've been wanting for you to say that. But the reality is, you're not waiting for them to say that. You're waiting for them to show that. That's what we have to focus on. So track patterns. Hope is not a strategy. Don't focus on promises. Focus on patterns. If someone repeatedly disrespects you, that's who they are. At least for now. If someone disappears when things get hard, that's who they are.

• 10:32Jay Shetty?

  If someone breaks your boundaries and calls it love, that's who they are. If someone lies to protect themselves, not your trust, that's who they are. If someone makes you question your worth, that's who they are. If someone only shows up when they need something, that's who they are. If someone makes you feel crazy for having standards, that's who they are. If someone constantly apologizes, but never changes, that's who they are.

• 11:10Jay Shetty?

  If someone expects grace, but gives you none, that's who they are. They can change.

• 11:20Jay Shetty?

  But only if they want to. A big part of us justifies people's bad behavior. Instead of looking at the patterns, we say, "But they're great at this. But they're wonderful in this way." That's true. People are always two things. There can be so many things. But we have to be careful to not sacrifice ourselves for too long. I know too many people who've done this and ten years later, they say, "I've lost myself. I don't know who I am. I don't have an identity." We have to measure how extremely we're not accepting someone for who they are. Step number three. This is gonna be a hard one to take in, but I have to be honest with you.

• 12:06Jay Shetty?

  Stop mistaking your control for love. Trying to change people often feels like care, but it's usually covert control. You're trying to manage their chaos so you don't have to face your fear of abandonment, disappointment, or uncertainty. Melody Beatty, in her foundational work on codependency, explains, "You can't force someone to be who they're not. You can only love them where they are or leave." Next time you feel the urge to help someone change, pause and ask, "Am I doing this for them

• 12:50Jay Shetty?

  or to soothe my discomfort with their behavior?" It's a form of control, and again, it could be unconscious. You could really care, but underlying that is a care for yourself. You don't want to have to experience the emotions of letting them down. You don't want to have to experience the emotion of setting boundaries. You don't want to have to experience the emotion of someone not liking you. So you'd rather shape-shift mold and change them in the process as well in order for both of you to have a peaceful situation when it's actually a situation where you don't know each other. Let me give you an example. When you're trying to change someone, you're saying to them, hey, if you were more organized,

• 13:35Jay Shetty?

  if you were more focused, you could be more successful. What you're trying to heal is your personal issue with finances. Trying to heal your personal issue with money, but you're trying to do it through them. Now, I'm not saying you don't need both people to earn. You may be in a situation where you require both people in your life to go and make money. But the point is that person is showing you who they are. They're showing you where they're at. And they might not be a good partner for you if you're looking for mutual responsibility. So much of the time, we get enamored by someone's mind, someone's words, someone's aura, someone's charisma, someone's personality, that we forget what real life looks like.

• 14:19Jay Shetty?

  Real life looks like looking at your bank balance, looking at your bills, waking up next to someone and going to sleep next to someone. Real life looks like coming home when you're bored and tired, and so are they. Real life looks like talking when there's nothing exciting to talk about. Real life looks like planning when you're just waiting for that vacation. Who do you want to be in your life for the real things, not just the imaginative ones? Hold that thought, just a quick message from our sponsors, and then we'll jump back in. Hey, it's Jay Shetty, and I'm so excited to share we're launching a brand new subscription

• 15:03Jay Shetty?

  on Apple Podcasts. That means if you want more on purpose, more inspiration, more tools, more depth, you now have the option to subscribe and unlock bonus content from our incredible guests. And don't worry, the main show is still free for everyone. But if you're someone who wants to go even deeper and support the show, this is for you. Just hit try free on Apple Podcasts and join our growing community of purpose-driven listeners. I can't wait for you to check it out. This episode is brought to you by Vinted. Value can be found anywhere, even in the clothes sitting untouched in our closets. That's where Vinted comes in.

• 15:44Jay Shetty?

  Vinted is a secondhand marketplace app where you can sell clothes you no longer want and get more value out of them. Whether you're running out of space, moving, or simply updating your wardrobe. Listing items is a quick and simple process, and once something sells, Vinted creates a prepaid shipping label for you. And the best part, there are no seller fees, so you keep what you earn. It's a simple way to clear out your closet, be less wasteful, and maybe make some extra money along the way. Give your clothes a second life with Vinted. Download the Vinted app for free to start selling with no seller fees, so you keep every dollar you earn.

• 16:23Speaker 01

  Your heart can tell you a lot about your health. Apple Watch Series 12 measures your heart rate every five seconds with the most accurate heart rate sensing in a wearable. So your vitals app, now with heart rate variability, can tell you when something is off. And your readiness score can let you know when to rest and when to push. Hear the story in every heartbeat with Apple Watch Series 12. The features described are for wellness purposes only and not for medical use. iPhone 11 or later required. Based on Apple conducted study of heart rate accuracy, August 2026. Visit apple.com slash apple watch series 12.

• 16:52Jay Shetty?

  This episode is brought to you by Orange Theory Fitness. One of the best investments you can make is in your own strength. The choices you make today can help shape how you feel for years to come. Orange Theory Fitness provides a one-hour workout to build strength, burn fat, and build muscle, with an expert coach guiding you every step of the way. Head to orangetheory.com slash onpurpose to learn more and get your first class free. Orange Theory Fitness, helping people live longer, more vibrant lives. Terms and conditions apply. See webpage in studio for details. Okay, we're back. Let's dive right back in. Step number four is radical acceptance is not resignation. It's respect philosophy.

• 17:37Jay Shetty?

  Dialectical behaviour therapy, also known as DBT, and Buddhism have this understanding. Radical acceptance, a DBT concept created by Dr. Marsha Linehan, is about fully accepting reality as it is, not as we wish it were. To be honest, most of our problems exist because of how we want life to be and how life actually is. The gap between those two is the amount of pain you experience. If you want life to feel like this, but it actually looks like this, that gap is the amount of stress, pain, and anxiety you feel. So people just say, "Wait, do I lower my expectations?"

• 18:21Jay Shetty?

  No, we don't want expectations. We want to experience reality so we can make better choices. If I walk into a restaurant and I experience the food, I know whether I want to go back. But if I go there with high expectations, it may not meet nine. Or if I go there with low expectations, I may be impressed, but that impressed may not be accurate. Because I may be impressed because I had low expectations, so I'll accept whatever I get. Right? When you're hungry and you walk into a restaurant, you go, "Oh, my gosh, this place is amazing." And then you go back when you're kind of hungry and you're like, "Oh, wait, it's not as good as I remembered," right? You've been there before. We do that because it's not about low or high expectations. It's about experiencing something properly.

• 19:07Jay Shetty?

  If you experience it, you can go, "Actually, I didn't love this place. I'm not coming back." Or, "I love this place. It's amazing. I come back when I'm tired. I come back when I'm hungry. I come back when I'm on a date. I come back when I'm with family." Right? You figure out what it's actually for. It's not about saying, "This is okay." It's saying, "This is what is." And I get to choose how I respond. You don't have to tolerate disrespect just because you know they're trauma. You don't have to accept mistreatment to prove you're loving. You don't have to stay just because you see their potential. You can forgive someone and still walk away.

• 19:52Jay Shetty?

  You can see the good in them and still choose better for yourself. You can understand someone's pain and still protect your peace. You don't have to make excuses for behaviour that's breaking you. Tolerance doesn't mean you let someone walk all over you. Tolerance doesn't mean you let someone take advantage of you. Tolerance doesn't mean you let someone disrespect you. It means you understand this is what it is. And you tolerate until you make your decision to stay or go. To be here and live through it or leave.

• 20:35Jay Shetty?

  You tolerate while you're figuring it out. Why do we stay?

• 20:41Jay Shetty?

  We stay because we're scared of being alone.

• 20:45Jay Shetty?

  Or we stay because we're hoping they'll change. Both of those are not great options. If we're staying just because we don't want to be alone, we set ourselves up for more pain. And if we stay hoping they'll change, we also create more pain. So what do you do when you know someone can change, when you want someone to change? First, you can definitely try to introduce them to things that will help them change. You may see their potential, but you have to ask them if they see that potential.

• 21:26Jay Shetty?

  I remember when I started dating Radhi and even when we got married, I could see who she could become. And then I realised how selfish that was. How it was a projection of my own insecurities or imagination. And how it wasn't selfless as it appeared, it was selfish. If I really want what's right for someone and if I love someone, it's about asking them who they want to be, where they want to be, and what they want to be. That's love, that's selflessness. But now if it's behaviour where someone's not doing the chores, someone's not taking responsibility, someone's not taking accountability, someone doesn't help out at home. They may never change that.

• 22:09Jay Shetty?

  And it's up to you to decide whether you're willing to live in that space. And I get it, leaving is hard, letting go is hard, and we've done plenty of episodes on that. But you have to realize that this is what you're signing up for. It's almost like a subscription plan, but you only figure out the hidden language and the small print afterwards. Right? None of us read the small print when we subscribe to something. When we sign up to something, you just put in your email and you log in, you tick the box, you never really think it through. We do the same in relationships, but then we experience the small print afterwards and then we feel let down.

• 22:51Jay Shetty?

  Read the small print, read in between the lines, take it for what it is. Point number five, you're not their mirror, you're their environment. The Pygmalion Effect versus the environmental conditioning. Yes, people rise to expectations, but only if they want to. The Pygmalion Effect shows that people perform better when high expectations are clearly communicated. But this only works when there's mutual investment. You're not a sculptor, you're the soil. You can be nourishing, but you cannot will a plant to grow.

• 23:33Jay Shetty?

  If they don't want the light, your sunshine will burn them. So you can offer support, but you can't provide transformation. You can't be someone's guru, you can't be someone's guide, you can't be someone's teacher unless they allow you to be. And what I've seen is that people change more by the people around them than by someone telling them what to do. If you're around a group of high achievers, you'll feel like becoming a high achiever. If you're around a group of people who take care of their health, you'll feel like taking care of your health. If you're around a group of people who gossip and talk negatively about others, you'll gossip and talk negatively about others. We are so defined by the people that we're around.

• 24:16Jay Shetty?

  If you really want to change yourself and you really want to change someone else, it's about changing who they're around. It's not about telling them the right thing to do, it's not about sending them articles, it's not about educating them. It's about taking them to another space.

• 24:31Jay Shetty?

  Allowing them to experience that, that's where change occurs. That's how change happens. And the reality is, sometimes the most loving choice is often to let go. Sometimes the deepest form of love is saying, "I see you clearly now, and I release you with compassion." Research in the Journal of Positive Psychology shows that people who practice disengagement coping, letting go of unchangeable people or situations, report higher wellbeing and less depression than those who continue trying to fix. People are not yours to fix.

• 25:16Jay Shetty?

  People are not yours to solve.

• 25:20Jay Shetty?

  People are not yours to change. Instead of disrespecting them, first start with distance. And if distance doesn't work, then disconnect. Often, we stay close to people with judgment, with criticism, with complaining, only to make us far away from them anyway. Rumi once asked, "Do you know why people shout when they're angry?" Because when you're angry and you're fighting with someone, you're physically close to them. Rumi said, "We shout because our hearts are far apart." Even though we're physically close to someone,

• 26:05Jay Shetty?

  we can be emotionally so far that we're shouting to get the message across.

• 26:12Jay Shetty?

  But no one has ever changed because someone shouted at them. No one has ever changed because someone complained to them. People changed when they realized that if they didn't...

• 26:26Jay Shetty?

  Their life would fall apart. What I want to share with you in this episode, truly, is recognizing and understanding that relationships are difficult. Relationships are challenging. And sometimes our expectations of others, and what we want them to be or who we want them to be, are completely unrealistic. And what ends up happening is that we create more issues in trying to change the other person than we would if we just connected with them. This is why in any relationship, whether it's professional or personal or romantic, you need to know what are your priorities and what are your preferences. Your priorities are things you don't negotiate with.

• 27:10Jay Shetty?

  And your preferences are things that are nice to have, but may not always be there. We have to realize that people also go through seasons. You could marry someone confident, but divorce someone broken. You could date someone loving, but break up with someone who's hard-hearted. You could love someone who's compassionate, but leave someone who's judgmental. People change in ways we don't want them to, more than they change in the ways we want them to.

• 27:51Jay Shetty?

  The only decision under our control is do I want to be close? Do I still want to be here? Can I be patient and tolerant? Or am I losing myself? Focus on what you can control, which is how you feel, what you do, and whether you stay or leave. That's what you're in charge of. That's what you have power over.

• 28:19Jay Shetty?

  Focus on that. Thank you so much for listening to today. I love recording these episodes. I am so grateful to each and every one of you that watches and shares and comments. Please make sure you pass this on to someone who could really benefit from it. Share your insights on TikTok and Instagram about what you're learning. I love seeing the posts. I love engaging with them. You'll even see me share them on Instagram. And I really, really, truly hope that this is helping you heal and live a better, more meaningful life. I'm committed to that and I'm forever in your corner and I'm always rooting for you. If you love this episode, you will enjoy my interview with Dr. Julie Smith on unblocking negative emotions and how to embrace difficult feelings.

• 29:04Speaker 03

  You've just got to be motivated every day. And if you're not, then what are you doing? And actually, humans don't work that way. Motivation, you have to treat it like any other emotion. Some days it will be there, some days it won't.