5 Lessons to Become Magnetic — Stop Chasing and Start Attracting [Lewis Howes SOLO]

For years, I chased relationships from a wounded place, trying to prove my worth instead of owning it. I made partners my entire world, confused chemistry with compatibility, and stayed in relationships way longer than I should have because I lacked the courage to speak my truth. Everything shifted when I learned these five lessons about magnetism, healing, and what real love actually requires. This isn't theory - this is what worked for me after years of painful patterns, intensive therapy, and finally learning to choose alignment over chemistry. If you've ever felt stuck in the chase, attracted to the wrong people, or unsure why healthy relationships feel unfamiliar, this episode will show you exactly what needs to shift. Make Money Easy: Create Financial Freedom and Live a Richer LifeThe Greatness Mindset: Unlock the Power of Your Mind and Live Your Best Life TodayThe Mask of Masculinity: How Men Can Embrace Vulnerability, Create Strong Relationships, and Live Their Fullest LivesThe School of Greatness: A Real-World Guide to Living Bigger, Loving Deeper, and Leaving a LegacyIn this episode you will:Discover why making someone your entire world pushes them away - and how to build a full life that makes you magnetic instead of clingyTransform your dating criteria by understanding the critical difference between shared interests and shared values (and why only one actually lasts)Break free from the cycle of chasing people who trigger your wounds by learning to recognize when attraction is actually a red flag from your nervous systemMaster the daily choice framework that turns fleeting chemistry into lasting love - because real relationships aren't built on sparks, they're built on consistent characterUnlock true magnetism by shifting from proving your worth to owning it - the one change that makes healthy people finally feel attractive to youFor more information go to https://lewishowes.com/1834For more Greatness text PODCAST to +1 (614) 350-3960More SOG episodes we think you’ll love:Matthew Hussey – greatness.lnk.to/1782SCMartha Higareda Howes – greatness.lnk.to/1797SCJillian Turecki – greatness.lnk.to/1740SC Get more from Lewis! Get my New York Times Bestselling book, Make Money Easy! Get The Greatness Mindset audiobook on SpotifyText Lewis AIYouTubeInstagramWebsiteTiktokFacebookX Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Lewis Howes?

  What if I told you that chasing love makes you less attractive? The truth is magnetism isn't about clinging or proving your worth. It's actually about being in alignment, healing, and choosing healing daily. I'm sharing five lessons that I've learned from my conversations with my wife Martha that will help you stop chasing and start healing and become truly magnetic in love and in life. There's five key lessons. The first lesson for this is a big one. And that is, don't make someone your whole world. The fastest way to push someone away is to make them your entire world every day.

• 0:42Lewis Howes?

  Real attraction happens when your world is already full. It's already expansive. You've already got a lot of activities, people in your life, and you're feeling purposeful and you're feeling fully alive. And then you invite the person into that world. A lesson from this is that real attraction comes from having your own world, your own values, your vision, your mission, and letting your partner be one important planet in that universe of your world. Martha told me that she's not my entire world. She said, "I'm not your world. I'm your Jupiter in your solar system. You have your family, you have your friends, you have your activities, your hobbies, your purpose,

• 1:25Lewis Howes?

  and I'm a big planet in that." And I really think that's interesting to think about because if you go all in and invest in someone and they become your entire life 24/7, you obsess about them, you're texting them, you always want to be with them. There is some cool chemistry and that seems like a beautiful like love story to tell people that, hey, we were obsessed with each other for the first few months and the first year, we couldn't stop being around each other, but... You start to lose yourself in another person and that starts to become a repellent after a period of time. And when I built a full vibrant life myself, I became way more attractive because I wasn't in a clinging energy. I was inviting and I was becoming more magnetic.

• 2:07Lewis Howes?

  So some action steps for you right now is to make a list of five things that give your life meaning outside of a relationship. What are those things that give you meaning? What fills you up? And dedicate time weekly to these things. That could be your friends, your passions, your health, learning something new, some type of hobby. See your partner or a future partner as an addition to this world, but not the center of it. That is the end of lesson number one. Don't make someone your whole world. Lesson number two is that values attract more than interests. Now chemistry fades, but values last.

• 2:51Lewis Howes?

  And that's the difference between a fling and a forever. Because chemistry can spark connection. It can really make you feel like, wow, there's something here. There's this beautiful chemistry and spark and I feel alive when I'm around this person, when I think about this person. But it's their values that align with your values that hold everything together to make a sustainable relationship last. Relationships can be extremely challenging, even if you have values aligned. But it's even more challenging when you don't have those shared values, at least most of them in alignment. There just becomes way more friction. And sometimes we think that friction is like this chemistry, like, ah, it's so much friction.

• 3:34Lewis Howes?

  It's so explosive, but that can be extremely toxic. I've never heard of a relationship that is explosive that lasts the test of time. Usually when something is explosive, it explodes. Sometime there's a massive breakdowns, there's fights, there's highs, there's lows. Then it's all about the makeup afterwards and it's like, gosh, that is a bomb for your nervous system. That is your nervous system saying, I'm not safe, but I'm so wounded that I want to try to make this thing work. I know because I've been there in the past. The lesson is that I've learned that shared hobbies, shared interests might create some type of a buzz or some type of a connection.

• 4:16Lewis Howes?

  But it's shared values that keeps relationships strong. It's not enough to have similar likes and interests. My wife says, she says, we need values, vision, and lifestyle in alignment. And again, I used to think that liking the same music or we like the same movies was going to be enough because, oh, we, we can go to do activities and actually have something to talk about. That is not enough. Sure, it's a bonus. But if honesty, if family, or growth don't line up in a relationship, the attraction will always fade. The chemistry will explode. And so with Martha, it's been our values that have kept us aligned and honestly kept us peaceful

• 5:01Lewis Howes?

  throughout the dating phase, throughout the engagement phase, and now being married. And it's been consistent throughout all those phases so far. So some action steps for you is I want you to write down your top five non-negotiable values. What are those values in your life that you will not negotiate? Whether it's integrity, honesty, how you communicate, health, family, freedom, things around money, whatever it might be, write those things down. And when you start dating someone, or if you're in a relationship right now, before you go any further, I want you to ask questions that reveal values, not just hobbies, likes, and interests. Again, it doesn't mean they're a bad person if they don't line up with you in your values,

• 5:46Lewis Howes?

  but they may not be the right person for you long term. Or you just have to come to terms knowing that your values don't align? And can you fully accept the other person for their values, even if they don't match yours? Can you love and accept them? And can they love and accept you? If so, then it might work out. But if you're always trying to change someone, that means you don't truly love them. So pay attention to actions more than words, because that's where values really show up. And that's the end of Lesson 2, Values Attract More Than Interests. Lesson number 3, Heal the Wounds That Make You Chase.

• 6:26Lewis Howes?

  Desire can be deception. Sometimes you're not chasing a person. You're chasing what your wounds are attracted to. Oh, man. Can I speak into this? I chased what my wounds were attracted to for many years of my life. And I stayed in relationships where I felt wounded still, trying to heal this chasing feeling within a relationship. And I repeated the pattern over and over again. It never worked. It only created more harm for both parties and ended up in sadness. I realized that my chasing behavior came from these childhood wounds of rejection, abandonment, shame, not enoughness.

• 7:08Lewis Howes?

  And I was trying to earn love instead of simply being open to love and loving myself and healing myself for what I'd been through, where I'm at now and where I'm heading. And Martha, again, my wife, says people are looking for love as a wounded child instead of being open to love as an adult. Something beautiful Martha taught me is that many of us are drawn to partners who trigger old pain because it feels familiar. I don't know if you can relate to that. Have you been in a relationship before where you've been so drawn to this guy or this girl where they're like, man, there's just something that draws me to them. But it's like, there's a wound that you have

• 7:52Lewis Howes?

  that your nervous system is like bing and it pokes at the wound and says, that's familiar. I know that from my dad who treated me this way, who never showed up for me. I know this from my mom who always needed me to help around and seek approval from me. I know this from my whatever past relationship where it's a familiar thing, but it doesn't mean it's a safe thing. It doesn't mean it's a healthy thing. But for some reason, we're attracted to the familiar because it's what we know. So when we know something, we understand it. It's the unfamiliar. It's the healthy, the safe, the comfortable, the calm.

• 8:31Lewis Howes?

  That when you've grown up in chaos, that feels unfamiliar, that feels scary, which seems crazy to think that when someone has more safe energy, when someone has more value-driven alignment, sometimes you may not be attracted to that until you start to heal the wounds that trigger you and make you attracted to the other people. And until I did the work to start healing on my journey, I kept attracting the wrong situations, the wrong relationships, the wrong partners, the wrong people in my life. And it wasn't just romantic as well as in other areas of my life. But the healing journey I went on made me more magnetic, not only to other people, but also made me appreciate the work and the growth that I was doing for myself.

• 9:16Lewis Howes?

  It made me had more self-appreciation without the ego. It made me start to eliminate the shame and have more self-love, more self-compassion, more peace about where I was at, instead of holding on to shame and needing to prove myself to get worth back in return. So an action step for you is I'd like you to reflect or journal on this about when you feel unworthy or afraid of rejection in love. When is it that you feel unworthy or afraid of rejection in love? And I want you to notice if you're drawn to partners who trigger old pain

• 9:56Lewis Howes?

  or if you're actually drawn to healthy, conscious, aligned, safe nervous systems in another person that you're drawn to. Which ones are you drawn to? Feel free to share in the comments below as well. Are you drawn to more partners in the past? Or are you in a relationship now where you are drawn to someone from a trigger out of a wound or out of a pain? Or are you drawn to healthy partners that make you a better person? That support your dreams and your goals, that aren't trying to pull you down? And which one are you drawn to? Which one of you have been in relationships more in your past? And where are you currently at right now? I want you to practice affirming that you are worthy of love without having to chase.

• 10:42Lewis Howes?

  And you can simply just use this mantra, "I am worthy of love without needing to chase anyone." "I am worthy of love without needing to chase anyone." "I am worthy of love without needing to chase anyone."

• 10:59Lewis Howes?

  When you say that over and over to yourself and say it out loud right now, you're gonna start to feel your heart relax, your nervous system settle in to your body, and you're going to allow yourself to feel more at peace just by saying this affirmation, "I am worthy of love without having to chase anyone." Allow the sound of your voice with those soothing words to wash over any insecurity that you have, to wash over any trauma that you've carried, to wash over any trigger or pain within your body or in your psyche

• 11:43Lewis Howes?

  that has held you back from believing that you are worthy of love and deserving of love. But if you feel like you have to chase others to feel some type of love, then you'll always have to change yourself as well to get their approval. And you don't need to change who you are, you just need to continue to be on a healing journey and become a greater version of who you already are so that you can receive love from yourself and others and feel good about it in the process. I want you to watch that back if you need to and remember that you are worthy of love. You don't need to change who you are, but you do need to continue to heal

• 12:28Lewis Howes?

  and get back to wholeness of who you once were. You can do this also by working with a therapist or a coach to help heal deeper childhood wounds and really support you kind of going through this process. One of the books that I'm most proud of that I wrote is called The Greatness Mindset, and it's about unlocking the power of your mind so you can live your best life today. Most of this book is actually interviewing and working with some of the top healing experts in the world to break down how you can process these things in your own life. You're unable to achieve greatness in your life. You're unable to achieve great things and feel joyful about them unless you feel like you've healed your past wounds.

• 13:11Lewis Howes?

  Because when we chase a relationship, or we chase goals, or we chase achievement from a wound, we achieve that thing and we still don't feel enough because that will never fill the wound that's inside of us. It's not until you heal those wounds, until you process those wounds and you integrate that into your life, into your relationships and into your nervous system. When you accomplish something and you feel actually proud of yourself and good about it. You don't accomplish something and you still feel good about you. And that's a beautiful place to come from a space of wholeness. And it doesn't mean you're always going to be perfect in every moment and you're still going to have sadness and challenges.

• 13:54Lewis Howes?

  But if you can get to a place in your nervous system where you feel whole about you, you attract a partner and also opportunities in life that continue to add joy to your wholeness. Again, if you don't feel whole and you're attracting a partner out of a place of a wound, then they're never going to be able to fulfill you. And if you put all of your attention on them choosing you, picking you, making you their person where you get your love and validation from. If they leave you, what does that leave you with? An empty hole. You're still not whole. And again, it's not about having somebody in your life so you feel whole.

• 14:35Lewis Howes?

  It's about being whole and being on the healing journey so that other people can join your solar system. They don't become your whole world, but they join you in the planet of your solar system. And that's what this is all about. Lesson number three is heal the wounds that make you chase.

• 14:54Lewis Howes?

  Lesson number four. Love is a daily choice, not a chase. Love doesn't just happen to you. It's something that you choose every single day. I learned that magnetism comes when you stop chasing fleeting chemistry and you start choosing consistency and character. Let me say this one more time for you because I don't know if you caught this. I learned that magnetism, if you want to attract someone in a relationship, a healthy relationship that really builds upon who you are, your dreams, your values, and empowers you to become a better version of you. That's what we all want. I've learned that this type of magnetism comes when you stop chasing fleeting chemistry.

• 15:39Lewis Howes?

  You stop chasing fleeting desires and you start choosing consistency and character instead. This is a hard thing to do because the mind will play tricks on us. We'll start to get butterflies or start to feel these like chemicals in our stomach around people that are in our lives or people we meet that we feel like there's some excitement here, there's some attraction here, there's some type of chemistry that's like, it's like this magical feeling because I've never had this feeling. Well, you actually have had that feeling in some other part of your life. And this is reaffirming that trigger, that wound, that trauma, that insecurity, that doubt, that fear that makes you feel like you're not enough. And you are familiar with that feeling.

• 16:23Lewis Howes?

  And so therefore you cling to the familiar and you want to try to heal it within that feeling. But if that person doesn't have character and they're not consistent, man, you're going to be continually clinging to someone that just lets you down over and over again. And again, I don't know if you've ever experienced this. If you have, let me know in the comments below that you have, that you've experienced being attracted to someone that continues to let you down over and over again. Martha shared with me that her mom's advice with herself was that love isn't just a spark.

• 17:01Lewis Howes?

  It's a choice that you make daily. And she and her husband have been married for over forty years. They still have fun and laugh together and dance together and they play and they're invested in their, their, their children and their grandchildren. And they're invested in their parents and their families. They're, they're a beautiful married couple. It's been together for over four decades. And she says that chemistry fades, but choices last. And again, we've got to continue to choose daily. Love isn't just a spark. It's a choice you make daily because chemistry fades, but choices last. So I want you to stop waiting for a spark to define your love with someone.

• 17:44Lewis Howes?

  Sure, you want to feel connected to someone. You want to feel an attraction to someone. You want to feel that chemistry in some ways for sure, but it shouldn't be out of a wound. It shouldn't be out of a trigger or a need for someone to choose you or pick you or love you back because then you're clinging for attention. You're clinging for someone to make you feel better. You should already be feeling good in your life. And if you're not, you should be on a journey of saying, how can I make my life better? How can I improve my feelings about myself? My feelings about the world around me? How can I improve my life? And that's what we do here on the School of Greatness. For almost thirteen years, every week, we have been invested in you to give you the

• 18:26Lewis Howes?

  tools, the inspiration, the stories, the interviews, the advice, the research, the science to support you on improving the quality of your life, just like this video, just like this episode here. Because a lot of people struggle in love. A lot of people struggle in relationships. I am the one that can raise my hand the highest because it's something I struggled for a long time until I said, never again am I going to deal with this. I need to start working on me, not about the other people I've been with. I need to work on me. I need to improve me. I need to overcome my past pain and traumas and triggers. I need to heal my nervous system. And it took about four years of intensive therapy, along with ten years of different

• 19:09Lewis Howes?

  trainings before then to support me in getting to new levels of consciousness, also new levels of integrating healing in my nervous system so that my body felt safer with myself and with others around me and really starting to create. A life and a vision for myself where I am safe whether I'm in a relationship or not. That I'm gonna be okay whether someone wants to be with me or not. And once I got to that place of total freedom, it doesn't mean I didn't want to be in a relationship. But once I got to a place where I said, I am okay. And I don't need a relationship for me to love myself and be okay with me. I feel safe with me. That's when I became the most magnetic and it just, you know,

• 19:54Lewis Howes?

  people started really showing up and wanted to, you know, meet me and connect and all these things. And that's literally the moment I started meeting Martha. And there was so much alignment around that. But you just become a magnet when you don't need to be with someone. When you stop looking for it or chasing it, but you're just like being your healthiest version of you, you will attract people. People will just wanna talk to you, whether they wanna date you or not. People just wanna say, hey, I just wanna get to know you. What's your name? And those, those conversations will spark more interest of a potential partner in the future. So stop waiting for a spark to define love. That's what I'd say for you. And instead, ask, do I choose this person's values and character?

• 20:37Lewis Howes?

  Cause I can't say that for most of the relationships I was in earlier in my life. I can't say that I chose them based on that. There were some of them that had the values and character that I liked, but it wasn't that that I was looking for. It was more of the feeling that I was looking for. The wounded feeling that I was looking to create some type of chemistry around. And that just doesn't last, right? It might be like interesting for a few months, but it doesn't last long term. And then I want you to show love daily through words, through touch, through presence and through actions. That's important. In dating, look for consistency over everything. Does this person choose you back?

• 21:20Lewis Howes?

  Do their words match their actions? And do their actions, are they consistent day in and day out? If so, they are in integrity with their values. And if not, and you need a period of time to really see that. You're not gonna see that within the first couple of weeks. You're not gonna see that within a month. You need to have experiences with this person. You need to be around this person with their closest friends. You need to be around this person with their closest family members. You need to be around them when you go on a day trip or you go on a two-hour car ride or you go on a flight with them to a different destination. You need to experience multiple different dimensions of their world to get the full picture. And you need to see if their words match their actions

• 22:05Lewis Howes?

  and their actions are consistent throughout time. And you need to see how their actions interact with their entire solar system. Because maybe they have a bad relationship with their parent. Maybe they're disconnected from their siblings. Maybe their friends, you know, are alcoholics and they want to spend time with them all the time. Maybe they like to gamble. Maybe they do things that are maybe not the values that you have, but everyone can hide those things in the first couple of weeks. But it's not until you interact with the other planets in their solar system. When you start to learn if this is a universe that you want to be a part of, if you want to put your planet into their solar system and vice versa. Is there toxic energy?

• 22:48Lewis Howes?

  Is there breakdowns that they have constantly that they haven't handled? Do they lack the courage to have courageous conversations with people that have betrayed them or that they feel have walked all over them? Do they know how to create boundaries in their life? Have they taken on unnecessary baggage that they've lacked the courage to let go of? You need to experience this person's world and the planets surrounding them to see if their words and their actions line up. And if so, can they do it consistently? That's when you know, maybe there's something here if we have all the other pieces.

• 23:30Lewis Howes?

  So the end of lesson four is that love is a daily choice. It's not a chase.

• 23:37Lewis Howes?

  And the fifth thing is magnetism comes from alignment, not performance. You don't need to just prove your worth. You need to own it. You don't need to prove your worth. You just need to own it. You don't need to prove your worth. You just need to own it. I used to chase because I wanted to prove myself. I don't know if you know, if this is familiar with you. But I really wanted to prove myself growing up. And this came from many wounds, memories that created meaning in my psyche and in my nervous system. Memories of being picked last, memories of girls making fun of me when I was younger and kind of tall and goofy looking and

• 24:23Lewis Howes?

  all those different things. Memories of me being, you know, in the bottom of my class and not being able to read and write in middle school when they tested me. And having tutors all through middle school, high school and college, just to learn how to read and write. While kids would make fun of me. Memories of just whatever, different challenges. Kids getting in fights with me. Kids stealing things from me. These different kind of wounded memories that I never learned how to heal. I created meaning from them that I was not enough. I had guilt and shame around who I was. And so with that meaning I created, because every memory, we either can create a meaning from it and that meaning is stored in our nervous system.

• 25:06Lewis Howes?

  So I used to chase everything to prove myself. To prove that the kids wrong. To prove the people that picked on me wrong, people that picked me last in games wrong. To prove teachers that didn't support me, coaches that didn't support, whatever it was, I was like, I'm going to prove everyone. I did this in relationships. I was like, I know this relationship isn't good for me. I know I shouldn't be in this relationship. I know this isn't the person I want to be with. But I'm going to try to prove that I'm a good guy and I'm going to stick this out. I'm going to prove to try to make it work. I'm going to prove that I'm not a failure. All these things around proving is a waste of time.

• 25:46Lewis Howes?

  The only thing you should be proving is yourself right about improving yourself and creating alignment in your life. You shouldn't be proving anyone else wrong. You should be looking to say, how can I prove myself right for my dreams and my vision? And just improving myself. Now, I know real magnetism comes when my actions, my words, and my priorities are aligned. And again, this is something Martha has said before. Do their words match their actions? And that's where the truth is, not in what they say, but in if their actions match their words. And that's something I think she was worried about with me early on. Because she had dealt with people in the past who lied to her.

• 26:28Lewis Howes?

  And she had gone through a lot of pain from different relationships from people who did that. She had to go through her own healing journey and she kept saying like, the most important thing is if your words match your actions. And so it constantly did. And I was like, alright, can you see? Do you need to see more planets in my solar system to see like everything matches up? And eventually she did. But she wasn't quick to be like, okay, I'm just gonna trust you right away. It was like, I like spending time with you. I like who you are. I like how I feel around you. I feel like your words are matching your actions. But she still needed to see experiences, time, events, meet people in my life to feel emotionally safe with all of it.

• 27:11Lewis Howes?

  You don't just give someone your trust and give them your heart overnight or in one week just because you had chemistry and you think they're a great person. You gotta explore the entire universe around them to get a better understanding of who they are in their world and the people who are in their world. And I've seen it over and over again, that people say all the right things, but they live inconsistently. I've done this in the past. I've never been like this perfect person in every relationship. I've struggled with the different things. The most attractive people aren't performing their alliance. They feel healthy. They're not trying to prove anything. And it's amazing when you can just show up and ask questions and listen to someone and you don't have to perform.

• 27:57Lewis Howes?

  You don't have to like show off. You don't have to like do a song and dance and like act like you're this really talented, interesting person. But actually, I think what people need more these days is someone who's just a good human being. Someone who can look in someone else's eyes with generosity, with kindness, and really be genuinely interested in someone else. Rather than trying to say, hey, look at me, I'm so interesting. Here's why you need to pick me. We shouldn't be creating this chasing game of like, I'm interesting, I'm talented, I'm smart, I have money, look at me, choose me. We should show up energetically as the healthiest versions of ourself, having full life, full energy.

• 28:42Lewis Howes?

  Um, being excited about life and attracting from that place, not needing someone to choose us to feel liked and loved. And that's one of the biggest thing. The most attractive people aren't performing. They're aligned, they're aligned with who they are and they're willing to walk away at any moment. This doesn't mean like, if someone does one thing wrong, like they're out of the relationship. It's not about like jumping away at the first time, the first sign of any conflict or issue or confrontation or a challenge. That's not healthy, that's not consciousness, that's a wound also if someone runs away and tries to abandon the other person quickly. Once things get intimate, that's a wound. But it's someone who's willing to sit with someone and actually say, hey, let's talk about this.

• 29:27Lewis Howes?

  Let's work through this. Let's do it from a conscious place, a calm place. We don't need to yell or fight or argue, it's like, we disagree. So let's get clear, let's step on each one of the other person's shoes. And let's come from a loving place, a courageous place, maybe it's not comfortable, but let's be courageous with our conversation. And let's start talking about things that really matter and see if there's alignment. And don't be afraid to share what's on your heart and I'm going to share what's on my heart. And if we can find alignment with a new agreement, then we can create more harmony. And most of the time, people lack the courage to communicate what they truly want and what they truly desire and what their values are. Because they don't want to say something that another person won't accept. And therefore, they don't speak up.

• 30:12Lewis Howes?

  They don't say what they truly want. They shove it down emotionally. They just say, "I don't like this thing, I don't like that thing, but I'm gonna accept it because I'm afraid to be alone. I'm afraid that I have to go back in the dating scene and I'm not gonna find anything better." But that is a settling mindset, and that is not an attractive mindset. You being afraid of being alone means you don't feel whole with who you are yet. And I'm not saying, you know, listen, it's okay to be alone. It's okay to be in a relationship. But if you're like afraid to be alone, then that fear is speaking to you. It's telling you something's off. It's telling you there's something to look at inside, something to work on. I'm not saying you break up, you can be sad and hurt and devastated that a relationship didn't work out. That's completely fine.

• 30:58Lewis Howes?

  And it's okay to feel sad and to grieve and all these things with the loss of a relationship that you were once in, that you had a vision that could work out. But it's better to be alone and single for a season of life than be stuck in a relationship where you're not aligned when your values, your vision, and your lifestyle. And feel stuck knowing that you're not in the right position that God wants you to be and that your higher version of yourself wants you to be. You'll always know that something's a little off in your chest. You'll always know that your stomach feels a little sick at times because you're not in full alignment. You'll always have a little tension or palpitations in your heart, knowing that you're forcing instead of feeling free in a relationship.

• 31:43Lewis Howes?

  You'll always feel a little clenched in your throat, like someone's grabbing and squeezing you and putting their hands around your neck because you feel like you fully can't use your voice to speak your truth in a relationship without someone getting hurt or upset at you. And if that speaks to you, if any one of those feelings has ever resonated with you, let me know in the comments below. Type a yes if this resonates because I have been there many, many times. I know the suffocating feeling of being in a relationship that you know. In your heart, your body, your throat, your mind, you know you're not supposed to be in. But you're trying to prove, you're trying to people please. You're not trying to upset or hurt someone.

• 32:28Lewis Howes?

  I've played all those games. I am responsible and guilty of all those things. And my body physically suffered. My soul suffered because I lacked the courage to speak up and say what I truly wanted. I lacked the courage to end things sooner when I knew that they weren't meant to be. And that lack of courage made me a coward. It made me a coward in those moments. And it's not fun to say that. It's not fun to think back to like, man, Louis, you were a coward for most of your life in relationships. You lacked the courage because the people you're with, when you started speaking your truth, they would start to cry. They would start to scream. They would give you the silent treatment.

• 33:11Lewis Howes?

  And you lacked the courage to sit in the emotions of someone else who played their wounded games with your truth. And instead, I shut down. I kept my mouth shut and I just sucked it up. And when you suck something up or you stuff something down, your body screams at you. Whether it be tension in your throat, palpitations in your chest, a sick stomach or indigestion or, or, or skin rashes. And all those things started to happen due to my lack of courage. And once I finally started to heal in that journey and started to have the courage to be able to speak what I truly wanted with my values.

• 33:54Lewis Howes?

  And when I was able to sit in the discomfort of the other person I was with, who would scream, who would give me the silent treatment for days, who would, you know, call me names, whatever it was. Once I realized I'm safe with me no matter what. Whether this relationship works or not, I'm good with me. I'm good with me. I can handle this. I don't want this right now, but I can handle this and I'm safe with me. Once I started to do that, it became so clear after a few weeks. I'm not in the right relationship. I've taken this as far as I can go. I've done the therapy with this person. I've committed to trying to find solutions. I've gone as far as I can go, and this has been going on for too long now.

• 34:39Lewis Howes?

  We're not aligned on our values. Once I've finally spoken, here are my values, and the other person said, those aren't my values. Why are we together? Why are we together if there is zero alignment?

• 34:53Lewis Howes?

  And when you're together with someone for six months, or a year, or two years, or five years, whatever it is, the thing you think of most is, ah, man, I don't want to waste all this time. I don't want to look back and say this was wasted time or wasted energy. But I'm telling you, if you can learn a lesson and heal, and remove yourself from a relationship that is not in alignment, where you don't see a future, without pain and struggle constantly because of alignment. I'm not saying there's not going to be challenges in a, in a relationship with alignment. There is going to be challenge. But when you're aligned, you can get through that challenge so much easier, so much smoother, because you're both on the same team. You're connected. You're on the same team, and you can also be good on your own.

• 35:39Lewis Howes?

  And when that is happening, where both parties want to be with each other, but they also have a full life on their own. That is true choice. That is true love of accepting the other person for who they are, allowing them to be in your life, and, and them allowing you to be in your life, and being in acceptance of who the person is, knowing that you have shared values. And again, it doesn't mean it's going to work out forever, and it's like, you know, there's never going to be some type of breakdown. But you have hopefully continually built tools through listening to the School of Greatness, through being here, the tools to communicate with your partner in conscious, healthy relationships.

• 36:22Lewis Howes?

  And when you can use those tools with your partner, you can create more freedom. Again, I talk a lot about these tools in The Greatness Mindset. So if you haven't got this book yet, the link is below in the description. Make sure to get a copy right now for yourself and for your partner or a friend. It's going to give you all the tools you need to start optimizing your life through healing the inner journey inside of your life as well. Again, we talk about greatness. You can't have greatness without healing, without creating wholeness inside of you. You can have accomplishment, you can have success, you can have money, you can have fame and followers. But there's a lot of people with those things who are not whole, and they do those things to prove instead of to improve.

• 37:04Lewis Howes?

  And I want you to feel whole along your journey. I want you to feel good in your relationship with yourself, in your relationship with your partner, or the people you date. I want you to feel good and in harmony. And that means you need to create alignment within yourself. So the action step here, audit your own alignment. Are your actions matching your words? I can say for sure that there's some times in my past where I was out of integrity in certain things. I cheated on homework and tests in school and lied about it. I lied to my parents about things. I lied to friends and girlfriends about things because I didn't want them to not like me. I didn't want them to, you know, think I wasn't cool. I was trying to prove something. I didn't want to get in trouble,

• 37:49Lewis Howes?

  whatever it was. There were times in my life where I was out of integrity. And I had to learn how to break that cycle in all areas of my life so that I could have peace and harmony within me. And that's a big thing. And whatever it is for you, think about that. Audit your own alignment. Do I do what I say I'm going to do? Even if it's a small thing in life? If I say I'm going to go to the gym tomorrow, do I do it? Or do I always kind of back out sometimes? When I say I'm going to show up at a place at a certain time, do I do it? Or am I always late? And wasting other people's time? You know, if you renegotiate and you realign and you recommit and create new agreements,

• 38:33Lewis Howes?

  that's a different thing. We're all going to make mistakes and no one's going to be perfect in everything. But then it's communicating without any excuse. It's taking ownership of, hey, I said I was going to do this thing. I didn't do it. I'm going to create a new agreement with you or a new agreement with myself and start doing that.

• 38:51Lewis Howes?

  Whatever it is, I want you to observe others as well. It's about consistency over time because that's magnetic, not about chemistry in a weekend or chemistry from three dates and be like, wow, this is the dream guy or the dream girl or whatever it is. Be like, they're amazing. You don't even know them. How can they be amazing if you don't even know them and how they interact in their whole universe? And you don't know their nervous system. You're not getting in a relationship with a person or you're not getting married to a person. You're getting in a relationship with someone's nervous system and all their trauma, triggers, and wounds. And if they haven't handled their trauma, triggers, and wounds, they are going to spill all over your world because they don't know how to handle it. They haven't healed it.

• 39:35Lewis Howes?

  And so that's why you need to know that you're not just getting in a relationship with someone who you're attracted to physically. You're getting in a relationship with someone's trauma, their past, their wounds, their triggers, their debt, their broken relationships with family, friends, parents, whatever they've got going on. You are marrying and getting a relationship with all of that. It's their entire universe, not just their beauty, not just their bank account, not just their followers, not just the thing that attracts you initially on the surface. Whatever's underneath, you need to deal with if you're going to be in a relationship with someone. So you need to choose wisely and not just choose off chemistry.

• 40:18Lewis Howes?

  So stop trying also to prove your worth. The more you show up in a relationship saying, look how good I am, or look how talented I am, or look how much I know, trying to prove yourself doesn't do anything for you. It might attract someone for a moment, but it's not going to mean it's a consistent thing without you going deeper. Instead, embody your worth by living your values every day. Write down your values, memorize them, recite them, live into them. This will help you be consistent in attracting someone and having a healthier relationship.

• 40:59Lewis Howes?

  This is the end of Lesson Number 5 is that magnetism comes from alignment, not performance. And here's what I've learned about attraction. What I've learned about attraction is it is not about chasing. It's not about chasing, it's about alignment, it's about healing, it's about daily choices. And when you stop making someone your whole world, and you live your values, you heal your wounds, you choose love consistently, and you align with your actions, with your words, that's when you become truly magnetic. You become a healthy, powerful magnet for a healthy, powerful relationship. And I want you to remember this, you don't attract love by chasing it.

• 41:43Lewis Howes?

  You attract love by becoming it. Again, you do not attract love by chasing it, you attract love by becoming it. And watch this video again anytime you feel the urge to chase a relationship or chase a person instead of attracting and allowing and aligning with a relationship. Because repetition is how you start to rewire your mindset and step into your greatness. This is why I've done the School of Greatness show every week, my friend, for almost 13 years. It's for me to keep reminding myself and rewiring myself to live into the truth about how to live a better life, how to improve the quality of my relationships.

• 42:26Lewis Howes?

  We can learn something once, but we need to repeat it over and over again to stay in that thing. Otherwise, our wounded self could go back to the ways we used to be in a moment. Repetition is how you start to rewire your consciousness, your mindset, your nervous system, so you can step into your greatness in your relationship. And if you haven't yet, make sure to get the greatness mindset. It's all about unlocking the power of your mind and living your best life today. This is the book that I wish I had 20 years ago, 10 years ago, 5 years ago. This is a wealth of information from everything on this podcast, this show, in one place about how to truly unlock the healing power of your life to create the abundance that you're looking for.

• 43:11Lewis Howes?

  This is that book, make sure to get a copy for yourself right now. The link is below, give it to a friend as well. And I want to remind you, if no one's told you lately that you are loved, you are worthy, you matter, and I'll see you soon. I hope you enjoyed today's episode and it inspired you on your journey towards greatness. Make sure to check out the show notes in the description for a full rundown of today's episode with all the important links. And if you want weekly exclusive bonus episodes with me personally, as well as ad-free listening, then make sure to subscribe to our Greatness Plus channel exclusively on Apple Podcasts. Share this with a friend on social media and leave us a review on Apple Podcasts as well. Let me know what you enjoyed about

• 43:56Lewis Howes?

  this episode in that review. I really love hearing feedback from you and it helps us figure out how we can support and serve you moving forward. And I want to remind you if no one has told you lately that you are loved, you are worthy, and you matter. And now it's time to go out there and do something great.