882 Own Your Pain

YOU CAN’T DISMISS PAIN. So many of us try to cover up our pain. We eat too much, buy too much, and drink too much in order to not feel anything. I used to avoid my feelings. I didn’t have the tools to process heartache and loss so I found another outlet: inflicting pain on the football field. But pain doesn’t just disappear- it will find another way of coming to the surface. For this Five Minute Friday, I revisited a conversation I had with Brene Brown where she explained how hate is just a mask for pain. Dr. Brené Brown is a research professor at the University of Houston where she holds the Huffington Brené Brown Endowed Chair at The Graduate College of Social Work. She has spent the past fourteen years studying courage, vulnerability, shame, and empathy and is the author of three #1 New York Times bestsellers – The Gifts of Imperfection, Daring Greatly, and Rising Strong. If you look at the world today, people are pointing fingers looking for someone to blame so they don’t have to confront what’s inside. We are much better at causing pain than feeling pain. Learn how to tolerate discomfort in Episode 882. In This Episode You Will Learn: How Brene thinks we can heal the country (2:00) The reason why people hate (2:30) How Lewis had trouble dealing with loss (03:00) The toxic type of leadership you need to be aware of (4:00) If you enjoyed this episode, check out the video, show notes and more at http://www.lewishowes.com/882 and follow at www.instagram.com/lewishowes Get more from Lewis! Get my New York Times Bestselling book, Make Money Easy! Get The Greatness Mindset audiobook on SpotifyText Lewis AIYouTubeInstagramWebsiteTiktokFacebookX

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Lewis Howes?

  This is Five Minute Friday.

• 0:10Lewis Howes?

  Her name is Dr. Brené Brown and she is a research professor at the University of Houston. She has spent the past 16 years studying courage, vulnerability, shame, and empathy, and is the author of three number one New York Times bestsellers, The Gifts of Imperfection, Daring Greatly, and Rising Strong. And her latest book, Braving the Wilderness: The Quest for True Belonging and the Courage to Stand Alone, is out right now. Now, her TED Talk, The Power of Vulnerability, is one of the top five most viewed TED Talks in the world with over 30 million views. In addition to her research and writing, Brené is the founder and CEO of Brave Leaders, Inc., an organization that brings empirically

• 0:53Lewis Howes?

  based courage building programs to teams, leaders, entrepreneurs, change makers, and culture shifters.

• 1:04Speaker 01

  I can't imagine a way through what needs to happen over the next decade that does not involve understanding pain. There's this incredible James Baldwin quote that says, "Now I understand why people hold on to their hate so stubbornly, because once they let it go, there's nothing but pain."

• 1:28Lewis Howes?

  Ooh.

• 1:31Speaker 01

  And I think we dismiss and don't care about that pain at our own peril, because pain will make itself known. It will not be dismissed. It's not an affect or an emotion that dissipates when it's ignored.

• 1:46Lewis Howes?

  Yeah. Well, I think this is fascinating you're saying this because... I never wanted to feel the emotional pain. It was so hard to go through.

• 1:54Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:54Lewis Howes?

  I got a breakup with a girlfriend. Like, I didn't know how to deal with the emotional loss.

• 1:59Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 2:00Lewis Howes?

  Of any type of pain or suffering.

• 2:01Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 2:02Lewis Howes?

  As a man. And I remember being in the fetal position my freshman year in college for days, sobbing in my dorm room, just curled up on a ball. Uh, because I, you know, a relationship ended and I was so sad to be alone. And I didn't have this person in my life anymore. And I would take it out on the football field. I was like, I don't want to feel this type of emotional pain. So how can I inflict as much physical pain on myself and other people?

• 2:27Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 2:27Lewis Howes?

  To get it out. And it's hard to switch that off and just be like this loving, vulnerable man after you're on the football field, like inflicting pain on other people because you're supposed to.

• 2:37Speaker 01

  No, and I think whether we play football or not, we're much better at causing pain than we are feeling pain.

• 2:42Lewis Howes?

  You don't want to feel it.

• 2:43Speaker 01

  No, you don't. And so we cause it and we hurt other people.

• 2:45Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, we do.

• 2:46Speaker 01

  And so, and if you look at leadership, whether you're in an organization, leading a country, leading a family, as a parent, one of the cheapest, easiest ways to lead is to give people someone to hate and blame for your own, your misery. Uh, and so we have to really watch that in our country right now.

• 3:08Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 3:08Speaker 01

  So if we, all you have to do when people are in uncertainty and fear is give them someone to blame and give them a reason to blame them.

• 3:21Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 3:21Speaker 01

  And then step back and watch everything just fall apart. And so I think that's happening right now in our country. And so we have to push away the rhetoric. You know, we have to own our pain. And let me tell you, it's not like you tell that story about the football field and it's so prophetic because...

• 3:41Speaker 01

  Every crisis we're up against right now, almost without exception, is about our inability, our unwillingness to deal with pain. If you look at the opioid addiction right now, across, you know, somewhere, beginning with physicians, sent the message, "There's no reason for you to hurt at all."

• 4:04Lewis Howes?

  Hmm, here's a pain reliever.

• 4:06Speaker 01

  Here's a pain reliever, you know? And things are not going well in your life. Well, here's a way to discharge hate and pain that'll make you feel better.

• 4:14Lewis Howes?

  Like by drinking or by smoking or sex or whatever.

• 4:19Speaker 01

  Medicated, addicted, in debt, and obese Americans in history. Like, our tolerance for discomfort is zero.

• 4:28Lewis Howes?

  Soft.

• 4:29Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah. So here's the irony, soft.

• 4:33Lewis Howes?

  What we're taught in football, don't be soft.

• 4:35Speaker 01

  Don't be soft. So it's actually our inability to be vulnerable

• 4:40Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 4:40Speaker 01

  that makes us weak.

• 4:54Lewis Howes?

  Hey, guys. If you enjoyed this inspirational clip from a past episode of the show, then you'll love the free book I'm giving away right now. It's called "The Millionaire Morning." It includes some of my best tips for starting off your day with a millionaire mindset. Get your free copy at themillionairemorning.com and just pay shipping. Again, check it out right now, themillionairemorning.com.