851. Q&AF: Dealing With Stress, Setting Healthy Boundaries & How To Find A Mentor

On today's episode, Andy answers your questions on how to effectively deal with stress, how to get healthy boundaries so that you don’t get taken advantage of, and how to find a mentor to help you level up in life and business.

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:16Andy Frisella?

  What is up guys? It's Andy Frisella and this is the show for the realist. Say goodbye to the lies, the fakeness and delusions of modern society and welcome to motherfucking reality. Guys, today we have Q and AF. That's where you submit the questions and we give you the answers. Now you can submit your questions, which can be about anything a couple different ways. The first way is guys, email these questions into [email protected] or go on YouTube on the Q and AF episodes, drop your question in the comments. We'll choose some from there as well. Now let me give you a rundown on the show. We got shows within the show. Tomorrow, we're gonna have CTI. That stands for Cruise the Internet. This is where we put topics

• 0:58Andy Frisella?

  on the screen. We speculate on what's true and not true. We make fun of a whole bunch of people. And then we talk about how we, the people, have to solve some of these problems going on in the world. Other times, we're gonna have real talk. That's just five to 20 minutes of me giving you a short rant lesson. And then we have 75 Hard Versus. 75 Hard Versus, where someone who has completed the 75 Hard Program comes on the show, talks about how their life was before, how their life is now, and how they used the 75 Hard Program to get where they are today. If you're unfamiliar with 75 Hard, it's the initial phase of the Live Hard Program. The Live Hard Program can be found for free at episode 208 on the audio feed. All right?

• 1:43Andy Frisella?

  If you're unfamiliar with Live Hard and 75 Hard, it is the world's premier mental transformation program. It will get you from being a turd into a polished turd. Okay, change your life with the program. It's free. Episode 208 in the audio feed. There's also a book called The Book on Mental Toughness that has the entire Live Hard Program, plus a whole bunch of chapters on mental toughness, how to cultivate it, how to use it, and how to build the life that you want using it. You can get that at andyfrisella.com. We are the world's largest show that doesn't run ads. The reason that we don't run ads is because I don't want to be told what I can and can't say by some knucklehead in some corporation that I don't even like.

• 2:26Andy Frisella?

  All right. So I financed the show myself. So you don't have to waste half your day listening to ads. And in exchange, I ask very simply one thing. If you like the show, if it makes you laugh, it makes you think, if it gives you a new perspective, if you learn something, which you will today. If it entertains you, if it gives you the giggles. Do us a favor. Don't be a hoe.

• 2:49Speaker 01

  Share the show. All right. What's up, dude? What's going on, man?

• 2:52Andy Frisella?

  Nothing.

• 2:53Speaker 01

  Yeah, we were, uh, just talking about, I really do think for some reason this daylight savings kicked my ass.

• 2:59Andy Frisella?

  Yeah.

• 3:00Speaker 01

  I don't know why.

• 3:00Andy Frisella?

  It's fucking ridiculous.

• 3:02Speaker 01

  I've been doing it for 30 years, but it's just like this one for some reason it got me.

• 3:07Andy Frisella?

  Bro, I, I was thinking about this.

• 3:11Speaker 01

  Mm hmm.

• 3:12Andy Frisella?

  I think that the powers that be intentionally make it dark during the winter. So that we're all depressed.

• 3:22Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 3:22Andy Frisella?

  And we're less productive.

• 3:23Speaker 01

  Less sunlight.

• 3:24Andy Frisella?

  I, I am less, way less motivated, way less productive. Uh, in the winter months than I am in the summer months and way less happy.

• 3:33Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 3:33Andy Frisella?

  It's that seasonal depressive disorder, whatever you, I need a light, bro.

• 3:37Speaker 01

  LGB something, yeah.

• 3:38Andy Frisella?

  Yeah, of course.

• 3:44Andy Frisella?

  Oh, bro, did you see the comments on that short?

• 3:47Speaker 01

  On which one?

• 3:47Andy Frisella?

  On the, on the, uh, well, we'll talk about it tomorrow.

• 3:50Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 3:50Andy Frisella?

  Yeah, it was funny.

• 3:51Speaker 01

  No, but yeah, I mean, so I don't know, maybe, maybe, so maybe that's what it is. Like it's getting us out of that ick, you know?

• 3:57Andy Frisella?

  Yeah, I don't know, dude. Uh, but I can tell you this. I would like it to be sunny until nine o'clock at night.

• 4:05Speaker 01

  Dude, that'd be nice.

• 4:06Andy Frisella?

  I like that. That's my favorite time of the year, dude. When it like, it doesn't get dark until like nine fifteen.

• 4:10Speaker 01

  Yeah, bro.

• 4:11Andy Frisella?

  That's the shit.

• 4:11Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah. I feel like days were longer when I was a little kid, man. You know, like, you know, cause we were out till the streetlights came on.

• 4:18Andy Frisella?

  Yeah, what were you doing?

• 4:20Speaker 01

  Shit, you know, stuff.

• 4:22Andy Frisella?

  Yeah, stuff, stuff you can't talk about.

• 4:23Speaker 01

  Stuff we can't talk about, you know.

• 4:26Andy Frisella?

  What was your, what was your, what did you like to, like, what kind of games did you guys play when you were kids?

• 4:30Speaker 01

  Oh, uh, so we had this one game where we would, so like my, where I grew up at, it was an apartment on a hill.

• 4:36Andy Frisella?

  I'm being serious too.

• 4:37Speaker 01

  I'm, I'm being dead ass serious. Um, and so there was like, you know, my apartment, four family flat, there was an alley and then there was this elementary school next to me called Gunlock, okay? And so my friends, you know, because it was on a hill, like we had retained, like this massive retaining wall, right? And then the elementary school was their recess yard, which like dropped fucking thirty feet.

• 4:57Andy Frisella?

  Yeah.

• 4:58Speaker 01

  And, uh, so what we would do is we would like go up on our porch and usually every day around like, you know, after school, about an hour after school, we, we call it the, the crackhead parade because.

• 5:09Andy Frisella?

  Throw a crackhead off the, off the.

• 5:11Speaker 01

  No, they would like come by like.

• 5:12Andy Frisella?

  You throw it off a thirty foot drop?

• 5:13Speaker 01

  No, we just throw shit at them.

• 5:14Andy Frisella?

  Oh, okay.

• 5:15Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 5:15Andy Frisella?

  That's the game you would play?

• 5:16Speaker 01

  Bro, and who could hit it? And then we would run because they were fast.

• 5:21Andy Frisella?

  They're all hocked up on crack.

• 5:22Speaker 01

  Bro, I'm, I'm, I'm, listen.

• 5:24Andy Frisella?

  That's like a hundred, that's like one ten octane, bro.

• 5:26Speaker 01

  You, you're asking me about my childhood. I'm telling you what we did. We threw shit at crackheads, man, and then run from them.

• 5:31Andy Frisella?

  You guys didn't play any games, man?

• 5:33Speaker 01

  No, that was it.

• 5:35Andy Frisella?

  Like you didn't, you didn't like.

• 5:36Speaker 01

  That was it. Then we, you know, we take like our bikes and stuff, uh, that we would, you know, get, uh, ownership of. And we put like bottles in the back tire.

• 5:45Andy Frisella?

  So basically everybody's bike was a community bike.

• 5:47Speaker 01

  Yeah, it was community bike. Yeah, that's why we didn't care. We leave them outside. We didn't care.

• 5:50Andy Frisella?

  That's a nice way to say it.

• 5:51Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah. Uh, and you know, put little plastic bottles in the back tire, you know, roll around as like a little gang and stuff.

• 5:57Andy Frisella?

  Oh yeah, make it sound like a motorcycle. Yeah.

• 6:00Speaker 01

  Yep. My friend put it in his front tire once and then like.

• 6:02Andy Frisella?

  That's kind of the same stuff we did, bro.

• 6:04Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's the same stuff.

• 6:05Andy Frisella?

  We did it. We did the same thing, ride our bikes, build like a little ramps and shit.

• 6:08Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 6:09Andy Frisella?

  You know, and then, uh, we played a lot of baseball.

• 6:12Speaker 01

  Bro, we would mattress flip. You ever like do acrobat shit on mattresses that were like, you know, people threw out in the alley and shit?

• 6:18Andy Frisella?

  No.

• 6:19Speaker 01

  Yeah, we did that too.

• 6:21Andy Frisella?

  Well. We play baseball like regular kids. We probably played five million games of fucking baseball in my backyard. Like, that's all we did.

• 6:31Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 6:32Andy Frisella?

  Played baseball every fucking day with tennis balls and a, uh, like a broomstick.

• 6:36Speaker 01

  Yeah, there's a name for that. Like, there's a name for that.

• 6:39Andy Frisella?

  Well, there's, there's cork ball.

• 6:40Speaker 01

  Is that what it is?

• 6:41Andy Frisella?

  Which is where it has like a little bitty cork ball. It's like the size of a golf ball and then a wooden stick. It's really hard to play.

• 6:47Speaker 01

  Okay, cuz I've seen it played with tennis balls and they burn them.

• 6:50Andy Frisella?

  I've never seen that.

• 6:51Speaker 01

  Like, they torch them and stuff. I don't know. It's weird.

• 6:53Andy Frisella?

  Yeah, it was awesome.

• 6:55Speaker 01

  Yeah, but I mean, you know, like I said, bro, I mean, cultural differences, same, same.

• 6:58Andy Frisella?

  Yeah.

• 6:58Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 7:00Andy Frisella?

  All right.

• 7:02Speaker 01

  Well, let's make some.

• 7:02Andy Frisella?

  I was trying not to make any jokes today.

• 7:05Speaker 01

  I'm proud of you.

• 7:05Andy Frisella?

  Today is serious.

• 7:06Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's a good day.

• 7:07Andy Frisella?

  Tomorrow's joke day.

• 7:08Speaker 01

  Mm-hmm.

• 7:09Andy Frisella?

  So, let's, uh, let's get on with it.

• 7:10Speaker 01

  Holding them all in till tomorrow.

• 7:12Andy Frisella?

  Yeah, that's right. I got a lot.

• 7:13Speaker 01

  Yeah. Guys, Andy, I got three good ones for you, man. Let's, uh, let's knock these out. Uh, guys, Andy, question number one. Andy, whenever I'm stressed, I numb myself with distractions, scrolling through my phone, porn, or drinking. I'm fully aware that these things don't actually help, but they're my default. Uh, I want to learn healthier ways to handle stress, but I don't know where to start. How do I stop turning to quick fixes and start dealing with stress in a productive way?

• 7:47Andy Frisella?

  Okay, well, first of all, this is a really good question because a lot of people struggle with this. And I think if you put it in different terms, it's very easy to make the adjustment that you're looking for. And the terms that I would put it in is that you have to realize that you are losing the game of life to a fucking screen. Okay, you are losing the game of life to a screen. You are losing the game of life to women who have no idea who you are and don't give two shits about you. You are losing the game of life to an inanimate object of alcohol.

• 8:29Andy Frisella?

  All right. What this means is that you have to develop discipline. You have to develop the ability to recognize when it is you fall into this trap and how to get out of it. So the answer here is twofold. One, it's awareness. If you don't know that you're falling into these things, they can capture you and you could get sucked into the vortex for, you know, half the day and you know, that happens.

• 8:59Andy Frisella?

  But since you're asking the question, I would say you're already aware that it's a problem. Okay. So you've already conquered that. That's a great thing. The next part is, is the part of action where you, the first time that you think of it, the first time that it arises, the first time you're like, oh shit, I'm scrolling or I'm letting it distract me. You need to get up and go do something that is productive towards your goals. And the reality here, guys, is that the reason this happens so frequently to people is because they don't have a clear cut plan for their day. All right. They set a goal and they say one, three, five year goal,

• 9:42Andy Frisella?

  and they don't actually break that down into critical tasks that you need to execute on for that day. And so if you have a plan and you have five critical tasks, like we talk about in the powerless, which you can get for free, it is the ultimate productivity method. It's the only method that I know of, and by the way, it's free, that will guarantee you that you get where you want to go in life. Guaranteed. Okay.

• 10:10Andy Frisella?

  If you execute it. Yeah. So if you bring it back to a day by day by day plan, now you know what you have to do. And if you haven't done the things that you have to do, you shouldn't be scrolling, you shouldn't be drinking, and you shouldn't be looking at porn. Okay, um, I'm not here to judge any of those things. I'm just saying you want to get here. You've got to eliminate these distractions because you're competing against people who have already figured that out and are giving all of their effort to this. So you have to understand, you're already behind because you're doing these things and you're competing against people who have already solved this problem and got it under control. Yeah. So, uh, be aware, understand how to recognize when this happens.

• 10:55Andy Frisella?

  Work on your discipline, work to develop your ability to make the right decision when you know the decision needs to be made, and it's not the thing that you want to do. And you can use 75 hard to do it. Everybody that uses 75 hard and does it the right way, they understand what I'm talking about. This will fix that problem for you. And then know what you have to do for the day. And if you know what you have to do and you execute on all five tasks, then scroll on your fucking phone. Okay, like just understand it's okay to do some of the things. You don't have to work 40 hours out of 24, man. It's okay to do things that are a waste of time that you enjoy

• 11:39Andy Frisella?

  after the things that are critical to getting you where you want to go are checked off the list. And so this is how you solve a problem like that. Um, ultimately, dude, it should piss you off that you're losing the game of life to literal inanimate objects. Like that's, like to me, that's where my mindset changed. All right. When I was 350 pounds and I realized that I was losing the quality of my life to literally food and beer. And all I had to do was to not do something to change my whole life, which was me not to reach out

• 12:23Andy Frisella?

  and put that shit in my mouth. Okay? And that thought process, like I can handle losing sometimes to somebody who's really good and really works hard, I respect that, but I can't respect myself when I know I'm losing the game of life to things that have no literal power at all and I'm giving them all my power. So, I don't know if you're wired like me, but that pisses me off and that makes me want to, you know, get in control of my game. And then you have to understand too, guys, that discipline is a perishable skill. If you don't practice it regularly, it goes away. There's not one thing you're gonna do that's gonna develop discipline and then it's just gonna stick for your whole life. Okay, if you don't practice it, it

• 13:07Andy Frisella?

  goes away. When you practice it, it gets stronger. It's no different than training for an event, or training to play an instrument, or training your body, you're training your mind. And, uh, you know, the more you train it, the stronger it gets, and if you cease to train it, it gets weak, and that'll go on your whole life.

• 13:27Speaker 01

  Let's, let's talk a little bit about stress, right? Because he's mentioned in that like he, he does these things when he feels stressed. How do you look at stress? How should people look at stress? Uh, like, like what's the, what's the, the, the thing about stress nobody really wants to talk about?

• 13:44Andy Frisella?

  Uh, that they're not actually stressed. Most people are stressed because they have anxiety about things that they know they should do, that they lack the ability to do, and it drives them crazy, and then causes stress. So, when we think about like how stress affects us, it's a very negative thing, but the reality is, is you're far less stressed when you're executing on the things that you know you need to do, than you are when you're not doing those things. And there's a basically like a paradoxal type of thought process here, because people think that when you're stressed, you need to take a break, and then by taking the break, it pulls you further from the things that you know you need to be doing, which creates anxiety and creates more stress. So, it becomes a cycle

• 14:27Andy Frisella?

  that you can't break out of unless you actually go do the things you know you're supposed to do. So, that's what stress is really about for most. People and I understand there is stressful situations. There's things like you lose your job or you go through a breakup, but those are temporary things. Those are things that happen to everybody. And that's called fucking life, man. And so life's not gonna be easy. And also I will say that the expectation of being stress free. Amplifies people's stress level. Okay, so when you start to expect that you should be able to go out and achieve something and then feel no stress.

• 15:10Andy Frisella?

  The minute you feel stressed, you get. This amplification that happens because it's like the expectation is that I'm gonna, I should feel good. I should feel not stressed. I should feel easy and this should be, and I should be able to do this and not feel these things. And then the minute you start feeling it, you're like, oh shit dude, I'm so stressed. Yeah, so dude, we end up in this, in this cycle. And the cycle can only be broken by having the proper expectations. Okay. Life is fucking hard. Building something is hard. Becoming something is hard. Creating something is hard. These are all hard things and having the expectation that's gonna be easy only makes it that much harder.

• 15:52Andy Frisella?

  Because every time the expectation is broken, you freak the fuck out. Alright, so we have to understand that. There's gonna be stress either way, dude. If you're gonna go down the path of working hard, building something, creating something, becoming something. It's gonna be fucking stressful and it's also going to be stressful. Sitting at home, not being able to pay your bills or know how you could fill your car with gas. Okay, so there is no path to anywhere in life that doesn't. Come with stress and anxiety and the expectation that's created by all of these, you know, internet wizards. Who know everything about everything, but you know magically haven't done anything.

• 16:37Andy Frisella?

  They try to tell you that you're supposed to go through life feeling peaceful and calm and all this shit. Well dude, I'll be real. I don't know anybody that's built anything relevant to what you guys want to do with your lives. That has built, uh, you know, anything that, you know, we would, any of us would say, oh man, that's fucking amazing. That walks through life, you know, like Buddha.

• 16:59Speaker 01

  Stress free.

• 17:00Andy Frisella?

  Yes. Bro, because stress drives you to action. All right. Most people don't do their best work until they have to do their best work. They don't execute properly or at the highest level until their back is against the wall and stress is bearing down on them. And then they have no other opportunity or choice but to act. Okay. And this is what I call zero options mentality. When you are a young person and you are not young in the game of entrepreneurship, you could be 50 and you start out trying to build these things. You don't have an option right now. Okay. So you have to go out and you have to survive. And then as you become more successful and as you start to

• 17:41Andy Frisella?

  make money and as life gets a little comfortable, you have to trick your mind into believing that there is no other option but to execute. You have to. And that can come from a lot of different places. That can come from putting extra pressure on yourself so that you do feel like your back's against the wall. That could come from taking the focus on self. I want to make all this money to the team. I want my team to be successful. I'm responsible for their families. I'm responsible for their kids schooling. I'm responsible for what they eat. I'm responsible for what they live. And as you as the owner of the operator, when you take all that pressure and put it on you, think it makes you more stressed? Absolutely. But do you think you produce better results?

• 18:25Andy Frisella?

  Absolutely. So stress is not necessarily a bad thing. It's just how you leverage it in the proper way and then understanding you're going to have it no matter what you do in life.

• 18:36Speaker 01

  I love it, man. I love it. Let's roll to question number two. Uh, Andy.

• 18:43Speaker 01

  I've always been the nice one. Uh, the person who avoids conflict and goes along with whatever makes other people happy. But lately, I've realized that I let people walk all over me, uh, both at work and in my personal life. I struggle to speak up for myself and when I do, I feel guilty afterwards. How can I start setting boundaries and being more assertive without feeling like I'm being selfish? You know, like a true, what is it, type B personality here?

• 19:11Andy Frisella?

  Uh, I don't know what the type would be, but I think we all deal with this at some point in time, you know? Um, you have to be like a sociopath to not care about how other people react to the way that you react to them. So I could understand how someone who is naturally passive and easygoing, uh, can feel awkward about setting boundaries. Uh, because I think we all struggle with that in certain areas of our life. So here's the reality, dude. You are responsible for you and you are responsible for your actions and you have a right to set boundaries to where people cannot walk all over you, take advantage of you.

• 19:50Andy Frisella?

  And when they try to make you feel guilty for setting those boundaries, you have to realize that that is a red flag for their character. That's saying these people are trying to manipulate me. They're trying to get me to do something that I don't want to do and doesn't feel good to me for their benefit. And so when you start to set boundaries around things, really what happens is, is it kind of shows you who's who in your life. And a lot of people, you know, they never set boundaries and they do end up getting walked all over their whole life. And I could tell you, people that get walked all over their whole life, they can't make any money. They can't get successful. They don't have respect from their peers and because they don't respect themselves.

• 20:32Andy Frisella?

  So you have to understand that when you set a boundary, it's not wrong. You should, everybody should have healthy boundaries. Everybody else has boundaries and one thing you should realize is all these people that you're afraid of hurting with your boundaries, they don't give a fuck about taking advantage of you because you don't have any, do they? So you should think about that. If these people were really good people, they wouldn't press you the way they press you. They wouldn't step on you, but they're not. Okay? Most people have a human nature of how much can I get? Until they hit that wall of a boundary and that's where the respect starts. So if you want respect and you want to be treated properly, you have to stand up for what you believe,

• 21:17Andy Frisella?

  when you believe it, and you could do that in a very polite way. You know, this isn't mean, like you said, you know, I want to be nice. All right, bro, but you gotta be nice to yourself. All right, and being nice to yourself starts with not letting other people step all over you because you're an easygoing person. Don't let your easygoing, natural personality get in the way of having healthy boundaries because if you do, nobody's going to respect you. So we have to understand, dude, saying no is a skill and a lot of times saying no, you could say it a nice way, but like if they're pissed off or if they have a problem or they get weird, fuck them, who cares? You gotta take care of yourself first, bro, or you could drive yourself crazy.

• 22:02Speaker 01

  They're supposed to be there anyway then.

• 22:03Andy Frisella?

  I, I, that's what I think. I think there's natural respect. I think the best quality human beings can sense other people's boundaries without them having to be set. And I think when really good people are starting to encroach on a boundary and they feel it, they will say something like, hey, dude, look, I know this is a little bit extra, but can we do this? Or can I do this or can I, they'll, they'll, they'll tread lightly because they care about your boundaries and usually they're reflective of their own boundaries. So like if I'm going to ask somebody something that I know they're going to be a little uncomfortable with, I'm going to acknowledge that upfront.

• 22:45Andy Frisella?

  I'm going to say, hey, man, look, I'm not trying to make it weird, but bump a buck, right? And, and if they say no, you say, okay, cool, totally got it, dude. I respect that, but that's the way adults communicate. And you need to learn that or you will continue to get stomped on your whole life. And if you do, you're going to be at the end of the totem pole or the bottom of the totem pole everywhere you go.

• 23:06Speaker 01

  And I think, I think a lot of times too, a lot of people kind of build these monsters up in their head of like what these situations are gonna be like, right? Now, like for this person, you know, I don't know how old he is, he didn't say, but let's say like this has been him his entire life and he's just now having to start setting these boundaries. Can we clear the monsters? Like, I mean, what, what would you say the percentage of people that are gonna respect him setting these new boundaries for the first time ever? What, what's it actually gonna be versus what he might be thinking in his head?

• 23:34Andy Frisella?

  I 99% of people are gonna respect it and there, there's gonna be 1% of people that are like, what the fuck dude? I thought we were blah, blah, blah. Those people aren't your friends. Okay? And then here's the other thing. You gotta understand dude, if you do not set those boundaries, what ends up happening is, is you end up bitter because you look at the world as the world is abusing you. You look at the world as the world is taking advantage of you. You look at the world as if they're, they hate you. And it causes you to get super pissed. And the reason that you're super pissed and you feel this way, isn't the world, it's because you're not naturally standing where you should be standing on your limits.

• 24:15Speaker 01

  Right? Nobody don't give a shit about you like you give a shit about you.

• 24:17Andy Frisella?

  Well, you know, unfortunately, there is a lot of people who are very selfless, dude. There's a lot of people who are so selfless and so good that they allow themselves to be taken advantage of because they think they're not trying to rock the boat. And, you know, they're like, well, you know, uh, so and so struggling with this or so, they make an excuse for everybody. And dude, like, I'll be real dude, I used to struggle with this big time. And, um,

• 24:41Speaker 01

  You got a big heart, dude.

• 24:42Andy Frisella?

  Yeah, bro. I care about people, you know? And, and dude, like,

• 24:47Andy Frisella?

  I've learned at this point in my ti- in my life that like almost everybody, um, almost everybody I'm around now is respectful, but it wasn't always that way, dude. I learned that by getting taken advantage of.

• 25:04Andy Frisella?

  For years and years and years and and dude, saying no is a skill that is necessary for you to be a leader, for you to be great at anything you do, for you to be respected. And most importantly, for you to respect yourself. Okay? If you go home every day and you look in the mirror and you're like, fuck dude, I let all these people step all over. What? How can you look in the mirror and respect that dude? You can't. It's impossible. So we have to understand that respect for self comes first and respect for self comes from developing discipline, doing the right thing, executing on what we need to execute when we don't feel like executing on it.

• 25:47Andy Frisella?

  And then having boundaries and saying no to things that you don't want to do. And your life gets a lot easier when you get comfortable doing that.

• 25:56Speaker 01

  Yeah, that's real, man. I love it. Well, guys, let's get our third and final question in here. We got question number three. My question for you, Andy, is about business mentors. How do you locate a mentor? For background, I am 25. I run a small, fast-growing business in the auto parts industry. I'm about five years in business. I've started to get this feeling of no man's land. I don't necessarily have a business mentor. The closest thing for me for me is continually listening to your podcast and using the tips and advice to provoke my own thoughts and relate that to where I am day, week, period of time in business. Is there a point in business where you feel it's crucial to have a mentor?

• 26:41Speaker 01

  Or is it not necessary? Interested in your thoughts on this?

• 26:46Andy Frisella?

  The easiest way to get where you want to go, the fastest way to get where you want to go is to talk to someone who's already been there. All right? If you're trying to forge a path to this.

• 26:58Andy Frisella?

  Destination that you've never been to, it's like trying to cut the path through the forest with an axe. It takes a long time. It's really fucking hard. It's really exhausting. But if you could find the guy who's already been there, that guy's gonna say, hey, no, no, no. Here's the path, bro. And he's already cut all the trees on the way there and he knows the path. So having someone who's been where you want to be is invaluable. It's very, very important that you find someone to follow, even if it's passively following them. Meaning like you're watching from a distance. That's what it was like for me. Okay?

• 27:37Andy Frisella?

  We didn't have social media. We didn't have the ability to, you know, learn from people who have actually built businesses. I had to find people and sort of watch them and analyze them from afar. And I'm glad it was that way because what it did was it taught me how to think. I would look at someone, I'd say, I wonder why they're doing this? I wonder, why are they doing that? How's this affecting that? Do they make the right decision? What if they would have thought that? So it created this analytical business habit of thinking through all the options, which I think today is probably my best skill.

• 28:18Andy Frisella?

  I wouldn't have learned that as effectively as I did if I had someone telling me exactly what to do. So you can have one, just like you listen to me and there's other people out there who have done what you want to do. I'm sure on social media, they've probably done exactly what you want to do. I would pay attention to what they do, how they do it, try to figure out why they do it on your own. Then I would go out and I would make an investment in your own education. Now, people go out and they spend hundreds of thousands of dollars to get a education, quote unquote, from major universities that are taught by motherfuckers that have never done the thing they are teaching.

• 29:03Andy Frisella?

  And that's very much so how the internet is today, too. We have thousands of people out there teaching skills.

• 29:14Andy Frisella?

  About how to do things that they've never done, okay? And in a university, it's the same. It's the same shit. All right, so it's nothing new for someone who's never done something to resort to teaching and then taking the money for teaching versus making a business that actually works. So a lot of these internet quote unquote business gurus are full of shit. And you shouldn't listen to them. The ones you should listen to are people who have built actual things, who sell actual products, who have been doing it for a long time, who have hundreds of thousands, if not millions of customers, who have employees, who have built actual businesses, who understand how to market because they've built big brands, marketing.

• 29:59Andy Frisella?

  All of these things can be vetted out by paying attention. Is this person making all their money selling coaching? Or is this person coaching because they've been successful in other businesses? One of them will make an amazing mentor to you. The other one will be a waste of your fucking time. Okay? So ask yourself qualifying questions. Figure out who you need to, you know, talk to and resonate with and learn from who's actually done the thing or something very close to what you have done. Right? Maybe they didn't run, what do you say, auto parts?

• 30:37Speaker 01

  Yeah, auto parts.

• 30:38Andy Frisella?

  Maybe they didn't run auto parts, but maybe they ran a different kind of business that sold widgets and then they vertically integrated all the widgets. And then you can look at that model and say, well, this will work over here. All right, so business, doing business and talking about business is two different fucking things. The internet is totally infested with frauds who charge money for things they don't know. And you can't find their companies. You ever notice that when you see these guys and they talk about all these businesses? You can't ever see them. They're never there. They're never, they're never at their headquarters. They're never, they never show their actual businesses. That's a red flag, bro. You follow me, I'm here every day, dude. I'm showing you all the shit I got going on. You know?

• 31:24Andy Frisella?

  So.

• 31:26Andy Frisella?

  You just gotta be smarter than these fucking predators dude. And there's a lot of them on the internet.

• 31:31Speaker 01

  Let me ask you this, just about, you know, because I mean, you've been in business 26 years.

• 31:36Andy Frisella?

  Well, hold on. The, the, the point I'm trying to make here is there's two ways you could fucking learn from it. You can learn from observation, or you can actually get hooked in by making an investment in your education. And the answer is you should do both.

• 31:48Speaker 01

  Yeah. Now, let me ask you, because you, you have been in business for 26 years. And I guess my question is more about like the evolution of, of business transparency, we'll call it, right? Has it always been this way where you have, you know, these owner operators, these CEOs that are so willing to show the, the deal, right? Like, was it always like that? Because I, I mean, I don't know, I mean, you've been in business-

• 32:12Andy Frisella?

  What do you mean, always like that?

• 32:14Speaker 01

  Like, were business owners always so eager to share, you know, the past?

• 32:18Andy Frisella?

  Business owners usually aren't eager to share.

• 32:21Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 32:21Andy Frisella?

  Because they're busy running their businesses. Okay? I'm probably one of fucking five people on the internet that actually operate real businesses.

• 32:30Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 32:30Andy Frisella?

  Real talk.

• 32:31Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 32:31Andy Frisella?

  All right? Um. Now, I understand, you know, there's ways to get started, right? I'm not knocking the kids that are going out there and, and trying things and then failing and, you know, learning the, learning how to do e-comm and all, these are valuable skills and you can do these things. But what I am knocking is the 19-year-old motherfucker that, that thinks he knows everything about business, teaching 17-year-olds to do it. Or the guy who doesn't actually have a, a, an actual business, but he's got a big flashy lifestyle and he's like, "Hey, let me fucking, you pay me and I'll, I'll make you a millionaire." Like dude, that's bullshit. Okay, so, um. I don't think

• 33:14Andy Frisella?

  that it's ever been in my 26 years.

• 33:20Andy Frisella?

  It's just different, bro. Like, I had to read books about people, and that's what I would recommend that you guys do. Like, I read books about Sam Walton, about Warren Buffett, about Phil Knight. You know, all these different guys who were, I mean, dude, and I'm talking dozens and dozens of them.

• 33:36Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 33:37Andy Frisella?

  All these, and by the way, Sam Walton's fucking, you guys should all study Sam Walton. That dude, that dude was a true business innovator. He was obsessive about being better. Everything that that guy did is really the, the substance that creates massive success. And I learned a lot from him. It was actually the first book I ever read. It was like, it was called The American Way, or Walton's Way, or some shit. It was, it was a great book, and I read it when I was a kid. I've read it many times since, but you can read, dude, about all these guys, and there's tremendous, dude, I've read a lot about Trump. You know, like, people say, oh, Trump got a million, bro, compared to what Trump built?

• 34:22Andy Frisella?

  A million dollars is like, if someone would have gave me a thousand dollars, right? Um, it's, there's just a lot you can learn from, from, from the information that's out there, dude. And I wouldn't rely on AI. I wouldn't, a lot of the shit on AI is not even accurate, dude. You guys don't understand that. Like, it's, it's given information that isn't true, and then you guys listen to it, and it's not there. I mean, it's good for some things, but I can identify things that you ask it that are highly inaccurate, because I'm an expert in that field. So, we gotta be discerning about where we take the information. And there's plenty of information to either find a mentor or create one in your mind,

• 35:05Andy Frisella?

  who is sort of like somebody that you look up to, that you try to learn from, that you try to emulate. And, you know, I would do all of those things. I would read books, obviously. Okay, it's part of the Live Hard program. Every fucking day, you should be reading something that is going to be geared towards pushing you down the road further. I'm not talking about Fifty Shades of Fucking Bullshit. I'm talking about, I'm talking about stuff that you're gonna learn things from.

• 35:33Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 35:33Andy Frisella?

  Right? You should be reading 10 pages a day. That keeps the mind stimulated. It keeps you creative. It keeps you focused on where you're going. I would find- People who are doing things and then I would like stalk the fuck out of them. Not like literally, like I wouldn't show up their house.

• 35:50Speaker 01

  Legally.

• 35:50Andy Frisella?

  Yes, I would read everything you can read. I would learn everything you can learn. I will watch every move they make and I would try to dissect why they're making said moves. All right, you can, this is valuable because it teaches you how to think. If, if you're watching someone and they're making moves and you don't understand it, you should be like, why are they doing that?

• 36:11Speaker 01

  How did they do that?

• 36:12Andy Frisella?

  Cause you know that the interest of them making that decision uh is in their best interest in their mind. So what are they thinking? Why would they do that? Right? That can teach you more than anything in my opinion, because it teaches you how to solve problems. And it also teaches you how to steal good ideas from your competition before they ever hit the market, right? There's a lot of companies that would be smaller than you that make really good decisions. But when you're a bigger company, you have much more audience. You can look at that and say, well, that's a great idea. And then when you do it, it's gonna seem like you did it first. And that's something that is very, that's a whole nother topic because bigger companies do it to bigger companies all the time. So um.

• 36:55Andy Frisella?

  There's a catch 22 there. Like you could do it to some people, but they're gonna do it to you too.

• 36:59Speaker 01

  Right.

• 37:00Andy Frisella?

  Um, but you know, analyzing like we're talking about, and then also, you know, spending your money on fucking learning more. You know, a lot of people are unwilling to make simple investments in their future. Like, bro. Uh, if you're, you know, a lot of these programs are a hundred, you know, 200, 300 bucks a month. And you say, oh my God, I can't afford that. Bro, that's two nights out a month. The fuck you talking about? You're not willing to stay home for two nights or three nights a month? And learn how to get better so that you don't have to worry about going out to eat and looking at the menu? Or worrying about putting gas in your car? Like, bro, you have to make those investments. And you have to equate them to what you're actually giving up. Like, bro.

• 37:45Andy Frisella?

  What are you giving up for a hundred bucks a month? One night out, maybe? What do you, uh, two pizza deliveries?

• 37:51Speaker 01

  Versus what do you stand to make?

• 37:52Andy Frisella?

  That's what I'm saying, bro. Like, and there's lots of little programs that you can get into um that can help you know. That's what Arte is. We, we deal with uh, you know, small, medium and large business owners. Who, you know, they pay a monthly fee and we get in there and we teach them how to do things and then they connect in the community. So like.

• 38:13Andy Frisella?

  You know, I would be open to that. I think that's a good thing if you're learning from the right people. And if you're learning from the wrong people, it can be a very bad thing.

• 38:20Speaker 01

  Yeah, I love it, man. Well, guys, that was three.

• 38:23Andy Frisella?

  All right, guys, let's go out, kick some ass. We'll see you tomorrow. CTI, don't be a hoe.

• 38:29Speaker 01

  Share the show.

• 38:30Speaker 02

  Went from sleeping on the floor, now my jury box froze. Fuck a boat, fuck a stove, counted millions in the code. Bad bitch, booty swole, got her on bankroll. Can't fold, just a no headshot case closed.