7 Signs You’re a People Pleaser & 7 Methods to Break This Habit

Have you ever found yourself constantly trying to please others, putting their needs before your own? What is it like to be a people pleaser, always seeking validation and acceptance from those around you? If you want to know more about this trait and how to overcome it, then this episode is for you. Join me as I uncover the deep-rooted struggles of saying no, over-apologizing, and failing to communicate our own needs. We get to understand the pain of feeling rejected and left out, and the challenges of being overly agreeable and avoiding conflict. Finally, we will explore the lengths we go to in order to avoid being disliked or hated. Through this exploration, we gain insights into the human condition and learn how to break free from the cycle of people-pleasing. Here’s what you’ll learn today: - How to say NO nicely and effectively - How to stop over apologizing in situations you have no control over - How to properly communicate your needs and thoughts - How to openly voice out your opinions without being combative - How to stop the habit of people pleasing Prepare to embark on a journey of self-discovery and empowerment as we navigate the path towards authenticity and reclaiming our personal power. With Love and Gratitude, Jay Shetty What We Discuss: 00:00 Intro 02:31 Are you a people pleaser? What is it like to be one? 07:51 What are sociotropic individuals, and have you met one? 11:25 Trait #1: You struggle to say NO 17:49 Trait #2: You constantly over apologize 21:59 Trait #3: You do not communicate your NEEDS 24:05 Trait #4: You often feel rejected and left out 26:39 Trait #5: You tend to be agreeable and 30:18 Trait #6: You avoid conflict or tough conversations 31:56 Trait #7: You become anything and do anything to not be hated Want to be a Jay Shetty Certified Life Coach? Get the Digital Guide and Workbook from Jay Shetty https://jayshettypurpose.com/fb-getting-started-as-a-life-coach-podcast/ See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Jay Shetty?

  This episode is brought to you by AG1. Are you feeling September reset too? Shorter days, longer to-do lists, earlier alarms, all those routines you promised yourself you'd pick back up. It can feel like your whole life is recalibrating. And when everything around you is changing, it helps to have a few things you can rely on. AG1 Next Gen is one of those easy habits to keep. It's the clinically-backed, comprehensive daily health drink that supports your gut health, energy production, and foundational nutrition all in one scoop. AG1's ingredients are sourced from quality partners for absorption, potency, and nutrient density to deliver the foundational nutrition your body needs. And alongside a proper diet,

• 0:44Jay Shetty?

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• 1:29Jay Shetty?

  AG1 Next Gen is one of those easy habits to keep. It's the clinically-backed, comprehensive daily health drink that supports your gut health, energy production, and foundational nutrition all in one scoop. AG1's ingredients are sourced from quality partners for absorption, potency, and nutrient density to deliver the foundational nutrition your body needs. And alongside a proper diet, AG1 Next Gen meets 94% of nutrient requirements and it's clinically shown to enrich the gut microbiome. For a limited time, save 20% on your first subscription order of AG1 Next Gen or AG1 Pro at drinkag1.com/onpurpose. That's drinkag1.com/onpurpose.

• 2:16Jay Shetty?

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• 3:00Jay Shetty?

  Give your clothes a second life with Vinted. Download the Vinted app for free to start selling with no seller fees, so you keep every dollar you earn. Hey everyone, I'm so excited because we're going to be adding a really special offering onto the back of my solo episodes on Fridays. The Daily J is a daily series on Calm, and it's meant to inspire you while outlining tools and techniques to live a more mindful, stress-free life. We dive into a range of topics, and the best part is, each episode is only seven minutes long, so you can incorporate it into your schedule, no matter how busy you are. This week, we're talking about your habits and how to develop better daily routines. Of course, if you want to listen to The Daily J every day, you can subscribe to Calm.

• 3:45Jay Shetty?

  So go to calm.com/j for 40% off your membership today.

• 3:56Jay Shetty?

  Hey everyone, welcome back to Unpurpose, the number one health podcast in the world. Thanks to each and every one of you that come back every week to become happier, healthier, and more healed.

• 4:09Jay Shetty?

  Now, guys, I'm back from tour. I'm actually back and I'm so excited to be back here with you on our Friday workshops. Your support has been incredible to me. So many of you, tens of thousands of you came out to see me on tour. So many of you, I got to hug and look into your eyes and hold your hands, which I so deeply wanted to do. And it was just an unbelievable shared experience. But even over here on the podcast, you've been supporting me through all the incredible episodes this year. We've had Dr. Joe Dispenza, we've had Kim Kardashian, we've had Lewis Hamilton, Kevin Hart. It has been an incredible roster of guests. And you keep sharing the episodes,

• 4:53Jay Shetty?

  you keep telling your friends about them. You are allowing for this wisdom to spread so fast, so far, and so wide. And for that, I am so deeply grateful to you. But I'm back for these Friday workshops, whether you're listening on a Friday or any other day, I'm just happy that you're here. And I just wanted to take a moment to say just how thankful I am for all the engagement on Instagram, on TikTok, for the sharing of the episodes. It's unbelievable. And I don't take it for granted. I value you so, so much. Keep it coming. Make sure you leave a review. Make sure you tag me on Instagram and on TikTok. I'm always looking out. I'm always commenting. I'm always

• 5:36Jay Shetty?

  replying as much as I can. So thank you so much for doing that. Now, today's topic is something that I think a lot of us struggle with, a lot of us deal with, and it's quite a tough one to talk about, because it's uncomfortable to recognize that a lot of our behaviors, a lot of our traits, a lot of our ways of being. Are defined by wanting to be a people pleaser. How many of you already identify as a people pleaser? And feel uncomfortable or unhealthy about what it is like to be one? And how many of you are listening and you're thinking to yourself, well, I don't know if I'm people pleaser.

• 6:20Jay Shetty?

  I've been hearing about this term. I feel like I might be. I'm not sure and I want to have a healthier relationship with it. And maybe there's some of you who are like, Jay, I've been a people pleaser for so long. It is wrecking my life. I need to fix it. I need to figure it out. How do I do this? Now, I want to start off by saying this. Whether you're a people pleaser or you think you might be one. It's natural. It's normal to want to see other people happy. I don't think that's a bad thing for wanting other people to be happy. For wanting other people to be healthy, for wanting people to feel good, for wanting people to be joyful. That is a beautiful feeling that you should always hold on to. I have that feeling.

• 7:02Jay Shetty?

  When I was on stage, I was pouring all my energy out into the audience. All my love, all my joy, because I wanted you to feel that. When I'm recording these episodes, when I'm working hard every day to create this incredible content that we get to do here. Add on purpose, I'm pouring my heart into it. I'm pouring all my energy into it. Because I want you to feel that when you experience it. But here's the difference between people pleasing and helping and serving people. People pleasing is where we displease ourself in the process of pleasing others.

• 7:46Jay Shetty?

  We put ourselves second to put others first. Actually, we put ourselves seventh by putting everyone else first, second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth. We deprioritize what we truly are searching for by prioritizing what other people want. What it basically means is that when you're a people pleaser. You will even go to the extent of disliking yourself for someone else to like you.

• 8:20Jay Shetty?

  Let's just let that settle. A people pleaser is someone who will go to the extent of even disliking themselves in order for others to like them. So when I'm pouring out on stage, or I'm pouring out in these episodes, or I'm trying to share my love through my books, or whatever it may be, I want to please you. I want to make you happy. That's a beautiful mindset to have. But I don't want to do it to the extent that I end up hurting myself, that I end up disliking myself, or I end up being frustrated or overwhelmed with myself. Right? Sometimes you want to make someone so happy, but you get so stressed, you take on so much overwhelm, you take on so much pressure,

• 9:05Jay Shetty?

  and in the end of it, whether they're pleased or not, you're just exhausted. We don't want to be in that position. We don't want to be in a position where we have no energy left to give to ourselves. That is the difference between a people pleaser and someone who's trying to serve, trying to help, trying to make an impact. When you're living for people with purpose, it's different than when you're living for people, trying to please them. In your purpose, you take care of yourself so you can serve and help others. In people pleasing, you just try and please others, hoping it makes you feel better. Right? Notice that difference.

• 9:50Jay Shetty?

  So, and I've been there, by the way. I remember being a full-on people pleaser and thinking it was service, being a martyr, thinking it was about sacrifice. And what I didn't realize was that real purpose was to take care of myself, to prioritize myself, to work on myself, to energize myself so that I could extend myself to others. If you just focus on yourself and you don't care about anyone else, that's selfishness. If you only focus on other people and not yourself, that's self-sabotage and self-sacrifice.

• 10:27Jay Shetty?

  But if you work on yourself, if you take care of your health, your mental health, your physical health, your fitness, your finances, in order to be more, give more, serve more for others, that's where we want to get to. And I'm on this journey myself, because it's so easy to slip back into those old habits of being a people pleaser. So today, we're going to talk about the key traits of people pleasers, and we're going to talk about the transformation that we need to make into people with purpose, right? So I learned this really interesting term from the National Health Institute, and it's the word "sociotropic." You might have heard it before.

• 11:10Jay Shetty?

  But "sociotropic individuals," the National Health Institute says, "are characterized by an overvaluation of closeness and social acceptance in order to boost low self-esteem, while autonomous individuals base their self-esteem on achievement, independence, and control." So we all know what autonomy looks like, the independence, the healthy independence of being able to have freedom, to make decisions, to make choices. Sociotropic individuals are the opposite. They find their worth in not having a choice, in giving up their independence,

• 11:50Jay Shetty?

  in letting go of a personal pursuit, and often end up as people pleasers. Now, the YouGov poll ended in August 2022 says about half, 47% of American adults, believe that other people in their life would definitely or probably describe them as a people pleaser. Nearly half of us feel that other people would describe us as a people pleaser. So you're not alone when you feel this way. And among women, 51% believe others see them this way, and 42% of men say the same. So we can see that... This is a challenge that a lot of us have.

• 12:34Jay Shetty?

  It's something that a lot of us experience. And again, I want to remind you, the challenge is not that you want other people to be happy. Wanting other people to be happy is a beautiful motive. It's when you're willing to make yourself unhappy to make others happy where there becomes a challenge. And what I mean by that is when you really start destroying or deconstructing your own identity, you start dissolving your own nature, your own qualities and abilities in order to make someone else feel good. Now, among self-identified people pleasers in YouGov's poll, 39% say being this way has made their life harder.

• 13:18Jay Shetty?

  Being a people pleaser makes our life harder, and I think you're here because you've experienced that. You've felt that in your own life where it can become really difficult. Now, why does it become difficult? I want to walk you through these traits. Because I want us to be conscious of the different ways in which we behave when we're people pleasing. You may think it's like, you know, you have low self-esteem and you're always just trying to make other people smile and laugh, and those are parts of it. But I want to give you a few new perspectives, hopefully reaffirming some of your beliefs as well, so that you can be more conscious. Because the more conscious you are, the easier it is to break through. Remember, all amendments in our life start with awareness.

• 14:03Jay Shetty?

  You can't address something until you're aware of it. Let me say that again. You can't address something, you can't amend something until you're aware of it. And you're only aware of it when you're aware of how differently it shows up in your life. You're only aware of it based on how deeply you know the intricacies and the nuances of how it shows up in your life. So... Here are the traits of being a people pleaser. The first one is struggling to say no. How many times does someone message you and say, hey, do you have a minute to catch up right now? You've got like a hundred emails to look at, but you say, yeah, sure.

• 14:47Jay Shetty?

  And then you hesitate and you feel upset, right? So what happens? You pick up the call. That person starts telling you their life story, starts telling you everything they're struggling with, starts telling you about their challenges at work. What happens next? You help them solve their problems. You listen to them. In your head, you're being torn because you also want to solve your own problems. Two hours later, you come back to your 159 emails. And all of a sudden, you're now frustrated at yourself. You might even feel frustration towards them. I think that's one of the most interesting things about being a people pleaser is that not only then are you upset at yourself, you actually become upset at them. You go, well, why can't they be more conscientious? Like, why didn't they think about my feelings? Why do they never ask about me?

• 15:31Jay Shetty?

  Why do they never think about how I'm feeling, what I'm doing? Maybe I'm busy right now.

• 15:38Jay Shetty?

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• 16:21Jay Shetty?

  That's indeed.com/podcast. Terms and conditions apply. Need to hire? This is a job for Indeed sponsored jobs. This episode is brought to you by State Farm. We talk a lot about intentional decision making, and that extends to the practical stuff too, like making sure your coverage actually works for your life. State Farm is there to meet you where you are, and they know how sweet it is to feel good about your decisions. Talk to a State Farm agent today to learn how you can choose to bundle and save with a personal price plan. Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there. Prices are based on rating plans that vary by state. Coverage options are selected by the customer. Availability, amount of discounts and savings and eligibility vary by state.

• 17:04Jay Shetty?

  This episode is brought to you by Whole Foods Market. If you're talking about quality food, you can't forget Whole Foods Market, who've been holding themselves to the highest standards since they opened in 1980. That means you'll see thousands of organic products across their stores, from the produce department to the aisles. It also means you'll never see certain ingredients. They've banned artificial sweeteners and colors, high fructose corn syrup and more, so you can shop with peace of mind. Shop Whole Foods Market in-store or online. Where else do you struggle to say no? Maybe there's a family event, and maybe there's someone that you don't quite see eye to eye at that family dinner, but when it comes to the holiday, you always say yes.

• 17:50Jay Shetty?

  Maybe you struggle to say no when your friend says, "Hey, do you want to help me move this weekend?" Or, "You know what? Can you organize this for our friends this year?" And all of a sudden, you become team planner, event planner, party planner, and you struggle to say no.

• 18:06Jay Shetty?

  We struggle to say no because we're scared that it makes us unlikable if we're useless. We're scared that if we are unuseful, we are unlikable. We believe that we are only likable if we're useful to others. That if we're of some requirement, then that gives us significance. Now, that's natural, right? When you think you offer something to someone, that's when you feel significant. But you have to realize that the people that love you in your life, they don't love you because of your use of a requirement, of a need. They love you because of who you are. They love you as you are.

• 18:47Jay Shetty?

  We think saying no is us closing the door and being liked. We think that's it. They're gonna think I'm useless. They're gonna think I'm unlikable. They're gonna think that I'm not worth it. And my only worth is if I can do something for this person. Right? I know you can feel that when I say it. I know you relate to that when I say it. And in that, we keep saying yes, even when we can't take it anymore, to the point that one day we've said so many yeses that we finally burst, we finally spill over. And then, at that point, when everything's tipped over the edge, we then are upset with that person for not noticing, for not feeling how we were feeling.

• 19:34Jay Shetty?

  So how do we overcome this? Learning to say no is probably the hardest thing ever. Right? Someone says, hey, do you wanna come out tonight? And you say, no, I'm not sure. And they say, oh, stop being a loser, come out. Right? Like, that kind of attitude. Or, hey, you know, we're thinking of planning this trip that we're going on. And you're like, oh, no, I don't think I can go. I've got work priorities. And it's like, oh, you're boring. Right? Like, we feel that pressure. My wife and I sometimes feel that because we go out to hang with our friends, but we're their friends that wanna go sleep by 10:00 PM. And so we're like leaving, and they're like, oh, why don't you watch a movie? And we're like, ah, you know what? Really wanna wake up early tomorrow to meditate. And the number one thing is like, well, you know, why do you need to do that? Like, why can't you just have fun? Now, as time's gone on, I've spent less and less time with that.

• 20:18Jay Shetty?

  I don't have friends that say that to me anymore, which is a beautiful thing. And it's been really clear in guiding me as to who likes me for who I am, the way I am, or who wants me to become more like them in order for them to like me, right? Think about that clearly. Who likes me, right? For who I am, the way I am. I like sleeping at 10 a.m. I like waking up at 6 a.m. I like meditating in the morning. I like getting sleep before midnight. Who likes me that way for who I am, the way I am? Or who only likes me when I do things that please them? People who like me for who I am, the way I am, are so important to me compared to those who want me to be like them for them to like me, right?

• 21:00Jay Shetty?

  For some of those friends who's like, "Well, if you don't stay up to watch a movie like I like to, then I don't like you as much, right? If you're not gonna be the person who entertains me in this way, then I don't like you as much." And learning to say no is accepting that you may lose that person or that person may distance themselves from you. And I think that's what we're getting at here is that we're actually developing the ability to sit in the discomfort of someone not liking us. The way to do this effectively is learn to say no in a nice way. I think when we first practice this, we start learning to just say no. We're like, "No, I'm not coming.

• 21:44Jay Shetty?

  No, I can't make it." And all of a sudden, that person's like, "Well, why are you being so abrupt? You literally were saying yes until yesterday, and now you listen to a Jay Shetty episode, and now you're just saying no all the time, right?" But it's like, no, let me say no in a nice way. Let me give my explanation. You're not remember giving an apology or a context for trying to make them happy, but you're being honest. Like, so I'll say to a friend, I'll be like, "You know what? I actually did this this weekend, right? It was 4th of July last weekend. It was a big holiday weekend. I had a lot of wonderful friends. I'd just come back into town after my tour. Everyone was like, "Jay, we wanna see you, we wanna hang out." And I wanted to see them too, and I said, "You know what?" I literally just came off tour. I'm pretty exhausted. I just need to spend a bit of alone time this weekend. And that's what I'm gonna do.

• 22:28Jay Shetty?

  And I'll see you as soon as I can. I would really appreciate. Thank you so much for understanding this in advance. And hey, none of my friends were like, oh, Jay, you're so ungrateful. Like, why are you acting like that? Everyone was just like, Jay, we get it. Let us know when you're free. Right? And so that's the kind of community you wanna surround yourself with. If someone's not reciprocating or responding to your honesty and your communication in a healthy way, you have to really ask yourself whether they're the right person that you wanna have in your life. Now, number two, which is linked to this, is a lot of us constantly apologize. Oh, I'm so sorry that happened. Oh, I'm so sorry I did that. I'm so sorry I can't make this. I'm so sorry that it wasn't perfect. I'm so sorry, right?

• 23:11Jay Shetty?

  We threw a dinner party, but we're so sorry that it wasn't what people expected. We're always over apologizing. How many of you find yourselves, when you don't know what to say, you just over apologize? Like, let's say someone's into you, right? Someone's been flirting with you. Someone slid into your DMs. Someone's messaging you. Someone's talking to you. You're not into them. They tell you that they're into you. And now you are telling them you're not into them, but you're like, I'm so sorry. I'm not into you. Like, I feel so bad, like, you know, all that kind of stuff. And by the way, it's great for you to have feelings for how they feel. But we constantly make it feel like it's our fault. Right?

• 23:55Jay Shetty?

  And now that you say no to them and they say, oh, well, I still wanna be friends or like, let's still connect or let's still talk. And then we feel even more sorry because then we wanna spend time with them because we want them to like us. But then we're like, oh, wait a minute, I feel bad because maybe I'm still teasing them or maybe they're still into me or whatever it may be. And so now you're making out like this was all your fault. How many times have you made it out? Be honest with me. How many times have you made it out that it's all your fault? How many times do you feel that way? That's actually at the root of constantly apologizing. You constantly apologize to your parents. You feel like the challenges they had were all your fault. You constantly apologize to your boss. You feel like everything is all your fault.

• 24:40Jay Shetty?

  How many of us walk around with that mindset that everything is our fault? That in some way, if things aren't perfect, it's our fault? That it's our problem? That we did something wrong? That we made a mistake?

• 24:51Jay Shetty?

  Now, how do we work on that? How do we stop thinking everything's our fault? The biggest thing for me was to realize that if someone was an adult, they had to take responsibility for their actions, and I had to take responsibility for mine. If we're adults now, if we're over 18 years old, right? If we're over 21 years old, everyone is old enough to make their own decisions and do what is right for themselves and take care of themselves. Yes, I'm there to support. Yes, I want to be a good friend, but I have to acknowledge that if something didn't work out, it is not my fault because we have to take accountability. Right? We have to take accountability. And to me, instead of apologizing,

• 25:36Jay Shetty?

  what became a healthier solution was asking questions. So let's say that something didn't go the way someone wanted it to. Instead of me saying, "I'm so sorry, I'll sort it out." I'd be like, "Well, how do you think it should have gone? What do you think we could have done better? What is it that you could have done and I could have done? How could we have approached this better?" I found that replacing apologies with questions. Now, again, I'm not saying when you're at fault, don't say sorry, right? That's not what I'm saying. I'm saying that A, don't think everything is your fault, and B, when something feels like it's being blamed on you or it's coming back to you, it's like, "Well, how should we deal with this?" So going back to that idea of someone being into you and you feeling like it's all your fault,

• 26:20Jay Shetty?

  saying, "Well, let's navigate this better. Like, how can we keep hanging out together if you're still into me? You can't just not be into me tomorrow." If you ask that question, that person now has to think about it. Chances are, they haven't thought about it. Chances are, in their head, they're still thinking they're gonna get you. They're still gonna win you over. They're still gonna find a way to lure you into their life if they're really into you, right? That's what they're thinking. But when you ask the question and say, "Well, wait a minute. How can we just hang out as friends? Because you just told me you're into me, and I'm not gonna change my mind about you. So how's this gonna work?" And then, all of a sudden, they have to say, "Oh, I'm not sure, like, oh, it'll be fine." And it's like, "Well, no, how will it be fine?" So asking questions is better than saying, "Look, I'm so sorry. This is gonna be tough for you, but we'll figure it out." And then you start consoling them. This is huge, by the way.

• 27:05Jay Shetty?

  I hope, I hope you're listening, and I hope that this is resonating with you. The third trait is not communicating your needs. This is a big one for people where... We spend months go by, even years go by, and we never felt like we had an opinion, or we never felt like we could share our opinion. And then years later, we say, well, why never you asked me what I want? And the person's like, well, you never said what you want. And it's interesting because we think that if we don't communicate what we want, then that person will be happy because they'll get to do what they want. And often, if you're around someone who's quite a leader, they will lead with that way without even asking.

• 27:47Jay Shetty?

  But it's so important that you take time daily to sit down just for five minutes at the start of your day and five minutes at the end of your day. At the five minutes of the start of your day, ask yourself, what's the one thing I need to do today to make today feel like a great day? I ask myself this every day. What's the one thing I need to do today to make today feel like a great day? And often, the answer will be workout. Sometimes the answer will be sleep early. Sometimes the answer will be have dinner with friends. Sometimes the answer will be hang out with Radhi. Actually, it's hang out with Radhi pretty much every day, but you know, that that isn't always possible if we're traveling. But the idea is if you have that one question,

• 28:31Jay Shetty?

  that one thing, you're communicating your needs to yourself. Communicating your needs to yourself is the first step to a healthy relationship with someone else. It's not that you don't communicate your relation, your needs to them. It's that we don't communicate our our needs to ourselves. Right? We're not even aware. So every day, sit down at the start of the day, five minutes reflect. What's the one thing I need to do today to make today a great day? And at the end of each day, ask yourself, have I done it yet? And what am I grateful for that I did for myself? Reminding yourself, closing that loop. Because too many of us don't even know what we want.

• 29:15Jay Shetty?

  Number four. Signs of a people pleaser is that you often feel rejected or left out. You feel like everyone gets along, but somehow you're not getting along. And in order to solve that feeling, you try and people please. You try and over deliver. You try and be there and be everything and be around. And what I find for this one is that we often feel rejected and left out because we're trying to be part of a group that we don't naturally fit into. There is a natural group for all of us all across the planet. For some people, it's a club. For some people, it's a cycling group. For some people, it's game night.

• 29:57Jay Shetty?

  For some people, but you know, we always want to be part of that one group of friends. It's kind of like that movie Mean Girls, if you remember it. And in fact, there are so many groups of friends at college or at high school. But everyone wants to be part of that one group. Because we think that that one group is cooler, smarter, more attractive, more talented, more beautiful, whatever it may be. And the truth is that that isn't necessarily our group. And that's okay. And, and even us wanting to be in that group is inauthentic. And I think that's what's so interesting. We think, oh, my gosh, they're so inauthentic because they don't want to be my friend. And it's like, no, we're inauthentic for wanting to be at that party, for wanting to be in that friend group, for wanting to be in that circle.

• 30:42Jay Shetty?

  So the soul for this is find your group, find different people for different things. I like to dabble in different social circles and I have friends that I see in different environments, in different reasons. And that allows you to live a truly authentic life because not all my friends love football. Not all my friends love game night. Not all my friends love hanging at the pool. Not all my friends love meditation. And it allows me to be all of myself. And yes, there are a few people who know me completely, 360, and that's beautiful. But we're trying so hard to be part of one group that we end up feeling rejected.

• 31:24Jay Shetty?

  When there are so many beautiful groups to be a part of and finding our misfits, right? It's like, let's be the misfits. Let's find our community rather than forcing ourselves into the community that we suppose is more interesting, more cool, or more relevant, or the, or the place to be, which necessarily wouldn't make us happier.

• 31:48Jay Shetty?

  This episode is brought to you by Wayfair. Home should be a place that feels like a sanctuary, a space that truly reflects who you are. But it can be challenging to balance style, budget, and endless options. I was looking to create a dedicated, calm space for my morning meditation and reading, but I was struggling to find pieces that felt grounding but could also stand up to daily use. I went on Wayfair and found a beautiful, solid wood accent chair and a bookshelf. Now that corner is my favorite place to anchor my day. The quality is incredible, it's built to last, and it completely shifted the energy of the room. Plus, you can shop with Wayfair Verified, where product specialists carefully vet items for quality and functionality, so you can shop with more confidence. And if putting it all together sounds like a headache,

• 32:33Jay Shetty?

  Wayfair can handle delivery, installation, and assembly. Join Wayfair Rewards today to get 5% back on every purchase and start saving on your next home upgrade. Head to wayfair.com to shop all things home. That's W A Y F A I R dot com. Wayfair, every style, every home. Now, the fifth trait is you tend to be agreeable, and this goes with the next one, sixth trait, which is you avoid conflict or tough conversations. So listen to this. Thirty-three percent of men say they often mirror the behavior of others in social situations to make them comfortable. Thirty-four percent of women say the same, so you tend to be agreeable.

• 33:16Jay Shetty?

  Now, what's interesting, the thing about this is agreeable doesn't just mean I agree, right? It's not just saying yes, it's not as simple as that. What it actually is, is if everyone's gossiping in a circle, you feel it's okay to gossip, even if you don't do that, in order to fit in. I fell into this trap with negativity. If I was standing in a room and everyone was sharing something negative that they are experiencing, or something bad, I would join in too, even though that's not really where I place my energy. If everyone in a room is saying that they don't like something, you feel scared to voice your opinion. Now, sometimes it's safe to not voice your opinion, of course. You have to be in a safe space to truly be unagreeable or disagreeable.

• 34:00Jay Shetty?

  But I find that we do it in those ways where, like I said, like if someone is being negative, we be negative. If someone gossips, we gossip. If someone... Is being mean, we're mean, right? Like, we mirror that. And that's what a third of people are saying is that we mirror other people's behavior. And what I've found in this regard is we have to learn to share our opinion without being combative, right? We think that disagreeing has to be a debate. We think that disagreeing has to be a dispute. But it doesn't. A disagreement is different from a dispute. It's different from a debate.

• 34:45Jay Shetty?

  It's different from deconstruction of an argument, right? Like, you can share how you feel without being combative. How do you do that, though? So, let's take that example again of me feeling like I'm gonna be negative or I'm going to be gossipy. Silence. Being quiet is one of the best ways to share your opinion without being combative. You're not on your high horse, you're not guiding everyone. The preachy version never works, right? Like, telling everyone, "Hey, guys, we shouldn't be doing this." Like, that doesn't go down well.

• 35:22Jay Shetty?

  And so, sometimes, the best way of raising your voice is being silent, in the sense that you don't join in. Now, if this is an issue you really care about, if this is an issue that's really important and you can see people being really vocal about something that you don't agree with, you fighting them doesn't actually change how they feel about it. You making them feel bad about what they're saying doesn't make them change how they feel about it. What makes someone change how they feel about how they feel is when something is presented in such an awful, thoughtful way that they are charmed and disarmed by it, right?

• 36:07Jay Shetty?

  If someone is shouting at you, or if someone's telling you you're wrong, that doesn't change how you feel. What changes how you feel is when someone proposes something with so much humility. When someone proposes something with so much peace and ease in their voice, in their heart, in their eyes, and you think...

• 36:29Jay Shetty?

  Huh, maybe they are right. Okay, and this, like I said, relates to the next one, which is you avoid conflicts or tough conversations. Two thirds of Americans, including seventy percent of women and sixty-three percent of men, say they often go to great lengths to avoid conflict. Now, I used to hate conflict and I don't enjoy it, definitely don't enjoy it, but I used to avoid it so badly. I used to like be agreeable, be nice, be kind, just avoid the fight and think that that's the right thing to do. And what I realized is you don't have to get as far as a fight. Actually, if you put off conflict and tough conversations too many times, that's what leads to a fight.

• 37:09Jay Shetty?

  Whereas if you're forward-thinking, you can avoid a fight by actually having the tough conversation upfront. The way that has helped me the most is practicing and rehearsing tough conversations. The biggest mistake with conflicts and tough conversations is that they are not practiced and not rehearsed, and they happen spontaneously, randomly, when you're not in the right mindset and not being articulate about what's going on. So if I want to have a tough conversation, I will make a list of notes to say, "Here is what we're struggling with. Here is the challenge, and here is my solution." Notice how that is so different from, "This is wrong, I just don't like how you feel about this, you need to change."

• 37:53Jay Shetty?

  If I walk someone through and I say, "Hey, these are the things I'm struggling with. Here's how it's causing a challenge for me. Here's the solution, what's your take?" It transforms it. And if you've practiced and rehearsed that, it changes the quality of that conversation. Now, I want to share one more trait with you. You don't want people to not like you, so you'll be anything or do anything. Sixty-four percent of people say they often put other people's needs first at the expense of their own. Now, this is the root of it. The root of all of it is we don't know who we are. We don't know who we are, so we're happy to be anyone and anything that anyone wants us to be.

• 38:37Jay Shetty?

  So how do I find who I am? Like, how do you even work on that? Like, what does that look like? Well, I want you to spend time doing an activity that I put at the beginning, first chapter of my first book, Think Like a Monk. This activity asks you, "What are your current values?" How's the current mindsets or the ways you think? Where did they come from? Did they come from your parents, your family, your school, your teacher, society? Or yourself? And do you still want them to be your values? If you can do that activity in the first chapter of Think Like a Monk, what are your current values? Where did they come from? And do you still want to keep those values?

• 39:19Jay Shetty?

  It will transform how you realign with yourself. I want to thank you so much for tuning in to today's podcast. I'm so grateful to all of you who are sharing on purpose with your world. I am so thankful for all the reviews. I saw all these reviews on Spotify that I didn't even know were there. It's incredible to see just how many of you have left beautiful reviews, which I'm so, so grateful for, I'm so thankful for. And honestly, I am just so grateful I got to meet so many of you this year. I love bumping into you on the streets. If you're an on purpose listener, tell me you're an on purpose listener. I want to give you a big hug. And I will see you again next week for another episode. Or I know a lot of you are listening every day.

• 40:01Jay Shetty?

  Thank you for those of you who have made on purpose a daily companion. Very grateful. See you soon.

• 40:15Jay Shetty?

  Check this out. On an average commercial flight, the captain has the autopilot engaged about 90% of the time. And some psychologists estimate that we make about 90% of our decisions, similarly, on autopilot, without thinking. But unlike an airline pilot, when we take our hands off the controls, we don't usually end up where we want to go. But don't worry, there's a simple way that we can stay dialed in. The next seven minutes are about intention and adding direction to the choices you make in life. I'm Jay Shetty. Welcome to the Daily Jay.

• 40:59Jay Shetty?

  Now, before we take off, let's pause and take three deep breaths to help us get centered. Breathing in.

• 41:11Jay Shetty?

  And breathing out.

• 41:15Jay Shetty?

  Inviting inward

• 41:19Jay Shetty?

  and releasing outward.

• 41:23Jay Shetty?

  Opening up

• 41:26Jay Shetty?

  and settling in.

• 41:31Jay Shetty?

  Now let me tell you a story.

• 41:34Jay Shetty?

  Before I started high school, if you'd have asked me what my worst subject was, I'd have said art, no question. But then, I met Mr. Buckridge. He was an art teacher in my school, tall and thin, and I remember how he always wore these red checkered shirts and knit ties. I also remember something Mr. Buckridge would do that really bugged me, at least at first. He'd stroll around the room, looking at our work, and each time, he'd stop at my desk and ask me this question, "Why?" Like, "Why had I decided to use that color combination?"

• 42:17Jay Shetty?

  "I don't know," I'd say, "'cause it looks cool." Mr. Buckridge would shake his head. "That's not a real reason." He always pushed me to really think things through, to be clear about my choices. And honestly, that's where I first learned the power and the importance of intentionality. That lesson has helped me throughout my life, and it's one that can help you too. When I left high school, art had gone from being my worst class to my best. But it wasn't because I got good at painting or drawing. I didn't. I'm still terrible at them.

• 42:59Jay Shetty?

  It's because I learned to look at the world through the lens of intention. And now, today, if I'm launching a new project, or even just decorating my office, at every step along the way, I know my why.

• 43:15Jay Shetty?

  When we ask why, it's like turning on a light in a dark room. We're no longer just feeling our way around, hoping we'll eventually find the door. Instead, we have a vision and a direction. It also ensures that we're living with purpose, instead of being driven by unquestioned impulses or unexamined emotions, that we're not living life on autopilot or playing "follow the leader." Why is an opportunity to check in with yourself to make sure that your actions align with your values and your priorities? Here's a simple, yet profound exercise.

• 44:00Jay Shetty?

  Today, at each decision point you encounter, as you contemplate your choice, pause and ask yourself, "Why?" Okay, it doesn't have to be every decision, considering how many we actually make in a day, but try to do it for a few hours. Why am I having cereal for breakfast? Why am I opting to wear this shirt? Why am I stopping to buy a coffee on my way to work? And why did I choose this coffee shop? Remember, answers like "because it's cool" or "because I always do" will get the Mr. Buckridge buzzer. Challenge yourself to go deeper.

• 44:45Jay Shetty?

  You might be surprised at what you discover and how being more thoughtful and deliberate impacts your life. I know it may seem like a little thing, but asking yourself "why" gives you back the controls, so you can fly with direction and intention. And with that in mind, let's practice our intentionality as we turn to our meditation. First, get comfortable wherever you are and be purposeful about what that means for you in this moment.

• 45:24Jay Shetty?

  During this practice, you shouldn't do anything just because it's what you usually do. Instead, be very deliberate.

• 45:36Jay Shetty?

  So, eyes open or closed, and consider why you're making that choice.

• 45:49Jay Shetty?

  Tune in to your breath here, and you can keep flowing along with your natural rhythm. Or, mindfully breathe a little deeper.

• 46:11Jay Shetty?

  Feel free to hold your attention on your breath.

• 46:17Jay Shetty?

  Or consciously shift your awareness somewhere else,

• 46:23Jay Shetty?

  like a sensation in your body or a sound in the environment.

• 46:34Jay Shetty?

  Now take a moment to think about your day so far.

• 46:40Jay Shetty?

  Why are you where you are right now?

• 46:48Jay Shetty?

  Why are you listening to the Daily J?

• 46:56Jay Shetty?

  Why are you listening at this time of day, in this place?

• 47:06Jay Shetty?

  And now, let's open this up. How often do you do things with clarity of purpose and intention? And how often would you say you're on autopilot?

• 47:22Jay Shetty?

  As you move through life, when and where could you ask yourself, "Why"?

• 47:31Jay Shetty?

  How could this transform your life for the better?

• 47:40Jay Shetty?

  Personally, my why for the Daily J is very clear. I'm incredibly motivated to help others live their most mindful lives. I hope Mr. Buckridge would be proud. Thanks for being here, and I'll see you tomorrow.