How to Manifest Your Dreams, Replace Negative Beliefs & Attract Abundance w/Gabby Bernstein EP 1103

“Vulnerability is a muscle that has to be exercised.”Today's guest is Gabby Bernstein. Gabby is a bestselling author, international speaker and podcast host. She was featured on Oprah’s SuperSoul Sunday as a “next-generation thought leader.” She has a new podcast called, Dear Gabby, where she coaches you every week by giving it to you straight while also being compassionate. In this episode Lewis and Gabby discuss how to manifest your dreams when you feel like you have no control over your life, how to understand if you’re actually holding yourself back, a powerful exercise for evaluating your beliefs and replacing them with more positive ones, and so much more! For more go to: www.lewishowes.com/1103Check out her website: www.gabbybernstein.comCheck out her books: www.gabbybernstein.com/shop/booksCheck out her podcast: www.gabbybernstein.com/podcastThe Wim Hof Experience: Mindset Training, Power Breathing, and Brotherhood: https://link.chtbl.com/910-podA Scientific Guide to Living Longer, Feeling Happier & Eating Healthier with Dr. Rhonda Patrick: https://link.chtbl.com/967-podThe Science of Sleep for Ultimate Success with Shawn Stevenson: https://link.chtbl.com/896-pod Get more from Lewis! Get my New York Times Bestselling book, Make Money Easy! Get The Greatness Mindset audiobook on SpotifyText Lewis AIYouTubeInstagramWebsiteTiktokFacebookX

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Lewis Howes?

  This is episode number 1,103 with number one New York Times bestselling author Gabby Bernstein. Welcome to the School of Greatness. My name is Lewis Howes, a former pro athlete turned lifestyle entrepreneur. And each week we bring you an inspiring person or message to help you discover how to unlock your inner greatness. Thanks for spending some time with me today. Now let the class begin.

• 0:31Lewis Howes?

  Bob Proctor said, "Thoughts become things. If you see it in your mind, you will hold it in your hands." And Henry David Thoreau said, "Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined." My guest today is my dear friend Gabby Bernstein, and Gabby is an international bestselling author, a world renowned speaker, and now a podcast host. She's been featured on Oprah's Super Soul Sunday as the next generation thought leader, and her new podcast is called Dear Gabby, where she coaches you every week by giving it to you straight while also being compassionate. It's available now wherever you get your podcasts, and we'd love for you to go check it out and support her after this conversation.

• 1:14Lewis Howes?

  And in this episode, we discuss how to manifest your dreams when you feel like you have no control over your life. Also, how to understand if you're actually holding yourself back right now. A powerful exercise for evaluating your beliefs and replacing them with a more positive ones. How to start attracting financial abundance, as well as peaceful love in your life, and so much more. I'm always so grateful when I get to spend time with Gabby and have her on the show because she brings so much clarity and wisdom. So if you are inspired by this, make sure to share it with someone that you think would be inspired by this as well. Just copy and paste the link wherever you're listening to this podcast, or use lewishouse.com/1103 and share it out to social media, text a few friends, and all that good stuff.

• 1:58Lewis Howes?

  Okay, in just a moment, the one and only Gabby Bernstein.

• 2:09Lewis Howes?

  Welcome back everyone to the School of Greatness Podcast. Very excited because we have my dear friend Gabby Bernstein who is here. Gabby, good to see you. I miss you.

• 2:18Gabby Bernstein?

  Babe, it is so great to see you and I really mean that from the bottom of my heart. I love you so much.

• 2:24Lewis Howes?

  I know. I'm very, I'm very grateful for you and our friendship and the wisdom that you've brought me over the years and the, the many conversations we've had behind the scenes, but also the conversations we've had on our, on, on my show together, which, which I think have been extremely powerful where you've opened up about many things in previous episodes. I've opened up to you about things in our interviews. So uh, I think the world needs more of you and I'm very glad that you've decided to launch your own podcast. We'll talk more about that later, but it's called Dear Gabby and I'm very excited for people to be listening to that. And to cue people up for this conversation, I'm, I'm curious because

• 3:05Lewis Howes?

  over the last year, a lot of people have been stuck and feeling lost and feeling uncertain and a lack of power and control. They feel out of control. And when people are out of control, how do they learn to manifest their dreams? This is something you talk a lot about is manifesting things in your life. How do we get back into manifestation mode when we have zero control in our life?

• 3:35Gabby Bernstein?

  We have to use the circumstances that we're living in as an opportunity to go further in our own personal development.

• 3:44Lewis Howes?

  What does that mean?

• 3:46Gabby Bernstein?

  Let me unpack this for you. To truly manifest means that you feel good. Feeling good means your energy is free. You're inspired. You are receptive and therefore attracting towards you what you desire. So if we're in a place now where we feel like we're out of control, we're trying to get control. We're in the opposite of that manifestation state, which I refer to as being a super attractor. We're no longer connected to that power. So the way back to that power is to put our personal growth first, to get back, not go out and try to force anything or do anything out there to find control, but to turn inward.

• 4:32Gabby Bernstein?

  To go deeper and identify what's unresolved, work out what needs to be healed, bring forth to the surface the truth of what's up so that we can show up for it. And get back to a baseline of feeling safe, a baseline of feeling joy, a baseline of connection. Rather than thinking that I have to go get control over something, we have to return to who we are. And it's a lot of, lot of language, but I can, I can further that too.

• 5:02Lewis Howes?

  And what happens when we try to control our environments on the outer world, people on the outer world, schedule, food, working out, whatever it may be, when we try to control everything on the outside, but we're constantly in trigger mode. Things affect us so deeply, what's happening on the outside internally. Will that give us a sense of control? If we have everything under control, but we're still triggered by everything?

• 5:30Gabby Bernstein?

  So when we're triggered, we try to find control because it's a way of staying safe. Being triggered in any form is really just an activation of a sense of being unsafe. So what we're going to do in that moment is go try to control our relationship or go try to control our food or go do something to feel safe. And that also can come in the form of addictive behavior like overeating or drinking too much to anesthetize and numb out that feeling of being unsafe, that feeling of being activated and triggered in a wound, in a, in a, in a place of fear ultimately. So what, what we want to really begin to recognize is

• 6:14Gabby Bernstein?

  the reasons that we get triggered and then find tools, self-soothing tools, self-help methods, breath practices for self-regulation, regulating our own nervous system, our, our energy, our field in those moments so that we don't live from trigger to trigger to trigger to trigger to trigger. During COVID, man, I mean, the whole world has been triggered. So we've been, we've been in this, this constant state of hyper arousal.

• 6:46Gabby Bernstein?

  Fight, flight, freeze, reactivity. And I said very early on, I said this in March of 2020, there's two ways you can show up for this. You can numb out and drink and use and anesthetize yourself in whatever way you do. Or you can show up. And when I say show up, show up for yourself. Show up for the unresolved parts of yourself. Show up for the painful stuff. Show up in your therapy. Show up on a show like this. Show up in a self-help book. Show up through a 30-day contemplative practice. Whatever it is that you are guided to, to actually take action with it. So we had two choices and we still have that choice.

• 7:30Gabby Bernstein?

  Even if it's been a year of numbing out, you can choose again right now.

• 7:34Lewis Howes?

  Yeah. What's been the biggest internal trigger for you? That still affects you today that you haven't fully gotten over the hump? Or do you feel like you've kind of mastered that part of your life?

• 7:47Gabby Bernstein?

  I am in the mastery process, but I think that I will be for the rest of my life in mastery. But I'm really, really, a year ago now, a year ago today, I was in a much more triggered state than I am. Fast forward 12 months, a little more. Because like everyone else, COVID activated unresolved parts of me. Feelings of feeling out of control. That's a big one for me. Like you said, feeling out of control, feeling unsafe, feeling not cared for. Feeling like I have to do everything. So while I've spent the year really, really like in full-blown recovery mode, like saying, hey, I see this head on.

• 8:31Gabby Bernstein?

  The, you know what hit the fan? I'm gonna, I'm gonna show up now. I've shown up with every ounce of my being and have really come out the other side. But to your point, it's still there. So it's not that I'm completely healed and I have no triggers. The difference is, is that I'm so aware of those triggers. I said to my executive team today, I said, listen, guys, I said to our HR director, I would like you to go, we've been doing a lot of educating ourselves on how we want to have our company structure and team communication. And I was like, the exec team, which is our CEO and our COO and myself, we're kind of in our old habits. But our, our energy isn't there anymore. Like, we're not

• 9:13Gabby Bernstein?

  that person, those people anymore, but we're still falling into these old habits. So can you help us create the structure through which we can have boundaries and proper communication so that we can step into the new patterns of who we are? So some of it is that, you know, we have to catch up with our own growth, in a sense. And I think I've seen that personally and professionally. So it's fascinating when you make a commitment to your inner life, what can change? And then the discomfort along the way, too.

• 9:42Lewis Howes?

  Right. What would you say is the, what's been the biggest trigger for you in general in your life?

• 9:48Gabby Bernstein?

  Feeling

• 9:51Gabby Bernstein?

  inadequate and unlovable.

• 9:54Lewis Howes?

  Really?

• 9:56Gabby Bernstein?

  That's the feeling. What triggers that feeling is feeling out of control, feeling like people aren't showing up for me. Because

• 10:03Lewis Howes?

  And when people don't show up for you, or you don't feel like they're showing up for you the way that you want them to.

• 10:08Gabby Bernstein?

  I feel inadequate and unlovable. I'm wrong.

• 10:11Lewis Howes?

  Even though they might be showing up for you fully in their capacity, if you don't feel a certain way.

• 10:17Gabby Bernstein?

  I have to do everything. No one can take care of me.

• 10:20Lewis Howes?

  Wow. Yeah. How to, I'm sure a lot of people can relate to that. So how does someone, how do you learn to overcome that on a daily basis when that's been so embedded for so long?

• 10:35Gabby Bernstein?

  One of the tools I've been using and studying and I plan to get trained in is IFS Therapy, Internal Family Systems, founded by a new friend of mine called Dick Schwartz, who I will introduce you to because I'd like for you to have him on the show. I'm his new pro bono publicist.

• 10:53Lewis Howes?

  Nice.

• 10:54Gabby Bernstein?

  But he's truly an amazing man and he's created a system that is one of the most profound therapeutic systems for any human, but especially those of us who have had trauma. And the Internal Family System, simply put, is the belief system that we have many different parts of who we are. And we have these protector parts that protect these inner child parts, like that he refers to as exiles. And so the inner child part is I'm inadequate, I'm unlovable. And the protector part is whenever that inadequacy or that fear of not being good enough or not being cared for shows up, the protector part is I'm going to control everything around me. So that's the

• 11:36Gabby Bernstein?

  part I call the controller, right? Another one of my protector parts is knives out, right? So that's the part of me that's like, if you mess with me, the knives are out. Don't

• 11:45Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 11:47Gabby Bernstein?

  Right? And another protector part could be for somebody, even numbing out could be a protector part, right? Or drinking or addiction can be an extreme protector part. So there's no bad parts, as Dick says, but the work is to really get to a deep connection with what IFS refers to as self-energy. Self could be considered, in my words, source, inner guidance system, the universe, God, the part of you, the all-knowing, loving, caring parental part of you, really, the part of you that can care for those more extreme parts. Does that make sense?

• 12:27Lewis Howes?

  Absolutely, yeah.

• 12:28Gabby Bernstein?

  Yeah. It's a pretty dense idea, and it's quite the opposite of what we've been brought up to believe in. But I'm very clear that one of my intentions, because I've been practicing IFS for eight years with my therapist, and it has had a profound impact on my well-being and my experience of other humans and my ability to witness people with compassion, even people who are really in bad ways, or people who have done harmful things, but to see them with compassion, because I can see them in all of their parts.

• 13:00Lewis Howes?

  Right. And when someone's being aggressive or angry or in knives out mode or

• 13:07Gabby Bernstein?

  They're in a part.

• 13:07Lewis Howes?

  Addiction mode, when you can see it in yourself, you can see it in other people. And when you can have, you know,

• 13:14Gabby Bernstein?

  That's right.

• 13:14Lewis Howes?

  compassion in yourself and the way you've been now or in the past, then you can start to look at other people and say, well, I don't agree with this, but I'm not going to scream at them and yell at them or get angry at them, but I can have compassion and learn to communicate in a way that they could connect with and resonate in this moment.

• 13:31Gabby Bernstein?

  I love that you just nailed that so perfectly, which is what is your gift? Because you just said, when you see it in yourself, you can see it in other people.

• 13:38Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 13:39Gabby Bernstein?

  That is such an important point to make because when we start to do our own personal growth work, one of the greatest benefits, one of the greatest gifts is that we start to have a greater sense of compassion for others. Because we recognize that we're all suffering. Wow, if I can suffer that much, then I can't imagine what that person's going through. We are all in this together.

• 14:03Lewis Howes?

  Mm hmm.

• 14:06Lewis Howes?

  Judgment's been something that I've been working with a lot with myself and other people. Mm hmm. Uh, especially during the last year where, where politics and cancel culture and right and wrong communication is constantly being talked about on social media. And I've constantly tried to check myself and say, okay, I don't agree with this, but I don't need to judge this person for their beliefs or where they're at. And, and when I come from a place of non judgment, when what's happening in the world, I feel more at peace. When I'm judging, I feel lower sense of energy. I feel, you know, angry, I fixate on something like a dog trying to get a bone as opposed to thinking more abundant.

• 14:52Lewis Howes?

  And, and thinking about my vision, I'm focused more on like right and wrong. I love your book, uh, about, you know, judgment, having a detox from judgments. And I'm curious, where do you still judge the most today in your life, whether with yourself, the world? Your environment, where's today prevalent for you? Even though you're the expert in this, sometimes the people that write the things that they need the most. So what's the, what's the part that's for you?

• 15:22Gabby Bernstein?

  Oh yeah, man, listen, I, I wrote a book called Judgment Detox. It's very brave to put your face on the cover of a book with that title. Because you know, whenever I'm caught out judging a friend or they look at me like, it's not the girl who wrote Judgment Detox. What the hell is she saying? Just yesterday, I had a, I was faced with a very big moment of, is this my opportunity to be radically honest? Cause I'm trying to practice radical honesty.

• 15:54Lewis Howes?

  And not judgmental at the same time.

• 15:56Gabby Bernstein?

  But how can I be non judgmental in my assessment of this radical honest moment?

• 16:03Lewis Howes?

  That's tricky.

• 16:04Gabby Bernstein?

  It was because the friend that I was in this dialogue with was, she's like, I just feel so judged by you. And in my head, I'm like, and my radical honesty part said, I am really judging you. But this is why. And when I got into the why, the why is backed with data. The why is backed with concern for others. The why is backed with overarching care for the world. The, so I felt really grounded in the why. And when you, when you practice radical honesty and you tell someone the truth,

• 16:45Gabby Bernstein?

  the biggest way that it is the most effective is to say it from a non judgmental place. To say.

• 16:52Lewis Howes?

  So, so how could you cue that up? If you don't like something about your partner or your family member, or friend, a coworker, what can you say to them in a non judgmental way, but radical honesty?

• 17:03Gabby Bernstein?

  Here's how I would have liked to have said it to her. I was still heated when I said it. So it came out as judgment. She wasn't wrong about that. But I would have liked to have said to her, um, by the way, just, I want you to see the slippers that I'm wearing right now.

• 17:15Lewis Howes?

  I love it. I love that.

• 17:17Gabby Bernstein?

  Party on the top, slippers on the bottom. So I would have liked to have said to her.

• 17:26Gabby Bernstein?

  I have no intention of changing you.

• 17:31Gabby Bernstein?

  I welcome you to tell me whatever it is that you need to say. I just want to be able to tell you the truth first and then you have every right to tell me exactly how you feel.

• 17:41Gabby Bernstein?

  I want to be honest with you so that I don't hold on to it and so that we can clear the air. And it's important for me to let you know my opinion about this matter. So here it is.

• 17:55Gabby Bernstein?

  And then when expressing it, speak about it honestly. And then using nonviolent communication, which would really imply, I feel I'm noticing this. It makes me feel this way. I think a resolution could be this. How about, how about that? And just coming at it from a place of

• 18:25Gabby Bernstein?

  human to human connection rather than trigger to trigger.

• 18:32Gabby Bernstein?

  So if I could do it over, I would have done it that way. Maybe she'll watch this.

• 18:35Lewis Howes?

  Exactly.

• 18:36Gabby Bernstein?

  I'll send it to her.

• 18:37Lewis Howes?

  And why do you think most people are blocking themselves in general from having what they want? Whether it be the relationship or the, the financial abundance or the peace that they want, internal peace. What's the main blocker? Is it judgment? Is it anger and frustration? Is it their childhood traumas? What's the main thing?

• 18:59Gabby Bernstein?

  It's all of the above, but it, but it, but the root cause of our blocks is unresolved, programmed belief systems about ourselves that we repurpose and replay and project onto the future, every single waking moment of the day, in every area.

• 19:25Gabby Bernstein?

  When I say every area, there may be some areas of your life where that belief system doesn't have a hold on you.

• 19:33Gabby Bernstein?

  Whereas let's say maybe your, your finances are, are flowing. Everything's cool. You do great at work, but in your relationships, you're just blocked. Like it's just constant. So these unresolved areas have a root cause condition that have tentacles and it can be in all areas or it can be in some areas or can be in a specific area. And the, the blocks are the result of a energetic disturbance that is on repeat. The way out of that, the way to get unstuck is to change our internal nervous system, our belief systems and all the energy that's wrapped up around that.

• 20:16Lewis Howes?

  How?

• 20:17Gabby Bernstein?

  That's not easy. Yeah. You're gonna say how to do that.

• 20:19Lewis Howes?

  Well, I mean, say someone listening is 30, 40, 50 years old and they've had a belief for that, you know, for decades of their life. Is it, is easy as being aware and conscious and the belief shifting in a moment? Or do things really take a long time to shift a belief?

• 20:38Gabby Bernstein?

  I think, uh, I believe in quantum shifts, but I, I do believe that quantum shifts often come with a lot of practice and recovery behind them.

• 20:48Lewis Howes?

  You spend years of working on it and then all of a sudden it works.

• 20:52Gabby Bernstein?

  It was funny. I was talking, when I was talking to Dick Schwartz, the founder of IFS, I said to him, I said, you know, Dick, it feels like it's been 10 years of hard work for overnight relationship to self, you know? And he's like, yeah, I've heard that before because that, that there was this, you know, I had been in IFS therapy for eight years, eight years, eight years. And then all of a sudden, one day it clicked. I was like, oh my God, my internal resource self can care for the, the, the controller and can care for the little girl and can, can, can really navigate the system internally and get those parts out of their extreme roles. And she can be so, you know, so loving and compassionate and she's not always going to be there, but she's going to be there more often than not. Holy crap. That was, you know, eight years in therapy doing

• 21:37Gabby Bernstein?

  IFS and, and then, you know, 15 years of hardcore recovery.

• 21:41Lewis Howes?

  Right, right.

• 21:42Gabby Bernstein?

  So, so it, it isn't, it isn't that, but, but here's the cool, here's the good news. We may not have that click aha moment overnight, but we have to recognize that every moment of relief along the way is a miracle.

• 21:59Gabby Bernstein?

  The more we add up those moments of relief, the more we live a miraculous life.

• 22:05Gabby Bernstein?

  So the idea that growth is hard and we have to do so much and it's so heavy. We can unpack that by really witnessing that we can have fun along the way.

• 22:15Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 22:17Gabby Bernstein?

  You can celebrate the small wins. You can enjoy the moments of relief. You can even enjoy the process of personal growth, which sounds insane, but I do.

• 22:27Lewis Howes?

  No, yesterday I felt like, I felt like the last few months have been emotionally challenging, ups and downs, ups and downs. I haven't felt the sense of like stable emotions with certain people in my life. And I've been like, man, can I just have one day where it's not, you know, wondering what's gonna happen next? And yesterday was that day where I was like, man, this is a peaceful day. And even though I don't feel like I've had a lot of peace consistently for the last few months, I was like, I can really appreciate the full day. I can journal, I get to journal about this and reflect back like what was happening and how can I do that one more day?

• 23:10Gabby Bernstein?

  Great.

• 23:11Lewis Howes?

  How could I do that one more day in my life? And not think about the rest of my life, but just today. What can I do to show up for myself, for peace, for my environment, for the people in my life? And continue to be in progress, like you said, and continue to work on it. And it's a beautiful thing when, when we can, I guess, reflect on those moment to moments and build the miracle over time. It's not gonna happen overnight, but it's like build it over time, like you said. When can we, how can we, is there an exercise or a process you have about?

• 23:45Lewis Howes?

  Evaluating our beliefs and figuring out which ones truly support us and which ones are tearing us down and then how to replace a belief that's been so ingrained in your psyche for so long.

• 23:59Gabby Bernstein?

  I have a wonderful method from my book, Super Attractor, that I often say if it's the only method from the book that somebody applies, they can experience a miraculous shift from that alone. It's called the choose again method.

• 24:13Lewis Howes?

  Mm hmm.

• 24:14Gabby Bernstein?

  The first step is to notice the negative thoughts that you have on repeat and notice how they make you feel. So in the moment, if you can catch yourself, you can't always catch yourself, but if you start practicing this often enough, you'll get good at it. Notice, oh, there's that thought again. Oh, my God. And how is it making me feel? Step one, making me feel tight in my chest. It's making me feel anxious. It's making me feel like I want to go punch the wall. It's making me feel XYZ. So you can even write it down. You can just think about it. Step two is really important. It's to forgive yourself for having the thought.

• 24:50Lewis Howes?

  Mm hmm.

• 24:51Gabby Bernstein?

  When you forgive yourself for having that thought, what happens is that you no longer identify with it. You just see it as a thought that you keep thinking. You just see it, oh, there's that frickin' thought again.

• 25:06Lewis Howes?

  So it's not, this is my thought. This is a thought that I'm thinking in the moment. Yeah.

• 25:11Gabby Bernstein?

  It's just that thought that I've thought again and again. There it is. There's that thought again. I'm not good enough. There's that thought again. I'm, I'm, I'm bad. There's that thought again. No one loves me. There's that thought again. I can't, can't handle this.

• 25:24Gabby Bernstein?

  Oh, it's just there again. Right? Just notice the thought, notice the thought. Oh, forgive the thought. Forgive yourself for having the thought. And what happened? Abraham Hicks says that a belief is just a thought that you keep thinking. When you forgive yourself for having the thought, you no longer believe that that thought is you. You see it as a thought that you keep thinking.

• 25:44Gabby Bernstein?

  The third step is the fun part. That's when you can choose again, where you can reach for the next best feeling thought. So in the moment, you would reach for the next best feeling thought, being something that you believe in. So I always use the example, if you're feeling, if your thought is I'm broke, I'm broke, I'm broke. I don't want you to choose again with, I'm a millionaire. Because the ego part of you, the fear part of you is going to be like, yeah, freaking right. Nice try. You want to reach for the thought of, I have that job interview next week and I'm excited about it. I have LinkedIn, which is an incredible resource. I can reach out to that friend who knows so and so. I have the skill set that I am really proud of. I have this education

• 26:29Gabby Bernstein?

  behind me. I have this resume. Whatever it is that you can lean into, that you believe in, that empowers you, that makes you feel good. And once you start to get into a momentum with feeling better, you reach for more. And you reach for more and you reach for more. You choose again, you choose again, you choose again. You get into the habit of that. It's fun.

• 26:47Lewis Howes?

  Yeah. I think, uh, man, for so many years, I would think that I was worthless, that I was stupid, that no one could ever love me. Again, I think this is, I always think that we're the only ones who have this thought, but most of the world has some type of thought like that, I, I think, unless you've just been, had so much confidence infused into you as a kid, which I, I feel like is challenging for a lot of us to have. Um, and it took time to really be like, okay, no, you're not stupid. You're not worthless. You're not unlovable. It took time, but doing a similar practice like this where it's focusing on, well, what am I good at? And let me, let me put that thought in my forefront and just focus on doing that. And something that I have learned that has been really helpful. And when I think of a negative thought, and I love this process, this choose

• 27:32Lewis Howes?

  again method, I, I, I just think of like, man, I'm being really selfish right now. I'm being really self-centered of what I don't have. And so let me focus on serving other people. Let me focus on, on smiling at a stranger. I don't have to give money to everyone, but let me just make someone smile. And by, and by doing that, I feel more valuable. I feel like I have value, I've worth, because I added value to someone else's moment in their life. And the more moments you build throughout the day, you're going to feel like a million dollars. You don't need a million dollars to feel like a million dollars.

• 28:03Gabby Bernstein?

  Love it. Beautiful. Love it. And when I was in my early sober recovery, my sponsor said to me, when you're feeling stuck in your own story and your own crap, be of service to somebody else. When you're feeling helpless, help someone else. Because the fastest way to get out of your own is to go say, hey, how you doing? Hey, how can I be of service? How can I help you out? I really also want to make sure I say something right now about something you just said. You just said that you're, you just really opened up about some of your fear-based belief systems. And a lot of people listening are thinking, but how could Lewis be thinking like that?

• 28:43Gabby Bernstein?

  You know, Lewis has it all. Lewis is, you know, he's so successful. He's gorgeous. He has this beautiful girlfriend. He's got this great life, blah, blah, blah. What's, how could he think like that? And I want to acknowledge you because your vulnerability and your bravery to speak on behalf of the parts of you that are exiled, those parts of you that are, you know, inner child, younger parts, is very, very helpful for people right now because I think that what we all need most is to feel as though we're not alone.

• 29:10Lewis Howes?

  Absolutely.

• 29:11Gabby Bernstein?

  And to identify and recognize ourselves in other people. Because as you said, we often think, well, I'm the only one that thinks that way.

• 29:18Lewis Howes?

  I appreciate it. Thank you. Yeah. And I feel like it's a responsibility for, for all of us to be willing to be vulnerable, not, not necessarily publicly. I've, I've got this platform and I've made this decision to, to be more vulnerable publicly, but I think it's hard to connect to people in your friends, your life, your family, if you're not being open and vulnerable to certain things. And you don't have to be this every day, but at the proper times, I feel like we create connection through vulnerability, through being real about how we're feeling or what we're going through. So if I was always saying like, I have everything figured out, then I don't think anyone would be interested in anything I have to say personally, but.

• 29:55Gabby Bernstein?

  Listen, you and I, our friendship is a great example of that. We've known each other for, I don't know, six, seven years, however, maybe longer.

• 30:00Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 30:01Gabby Bernstein?

  I remember early days of our friendship, we were a little, we were far less developed than we are now as humans. Now we have a lot more under our belt. And we, I hadn't even remembered my childhood trauma at that time. So many different things going on. And we've, as the years have gone on, been able to meet each other with more and more vulnerability, to the point now where I could not talk to you for six months. And then you'll text me and I'll say, how are you? You're like, ah, going through this shit and that, doing this therapy. And I'm like, the same back to you. And that, that is a, vulnerability is a muscle that has to be exercised. Not everybody has the privilege of entering a 12 step program. Like in 12 step program, which is the one of the coolest things is you can walk into a meeting and see somebody you haven't seen in six months and say, hey, you know, how are

• 30:45Gabby Bernstein?

  you doing, Jessica, or whatever. And they could be, you know, I felt a little suicidal this morning, but you know, okay, now you want to get a coffee? And it's like, yeah, let's get a coffee. You know, it's like, there's just straight talk and, and big talk, no small talk. And at this stage in my life, that's where I'm at. I don't, I don't have, I don't have much tolerance. I like small talk in the pursuit of, of casual conversation and just, just like lightheartedness. But in, in my real relationships, I don't have much time for small talk.

• 31:14Lewis Howes?

  I know. Isn't it funny when you start to really open up and heal, start the process of healing, and you realize like, wow, this is the stuff that matters most, not, you know, how's the weather or whatever. So, um, so I love this, that you said that Abraham Hicks said, a belief is a thought that you keep thinking. Is that right?

• 31:38Gabby Bernstein?

  Yeah.

• 31:38Lewis Howes?

  I make sure, I make sure I get that right. Believe is a thought you keep thinking. But when we believe it so deeply, how do we change the belief of the thought we keep thinking to where it actually lands and it connects to us and says, oh, this is a new belief. Because I can think, I'm a millionaire, I'm a millionaire, I'm a millionaire, and be broke. How do we believe it, the thought that we keep thinking, if we replace it with a new thought?

• 32:04Gabby Bernstein?

  Well, I gave you the choose again method, which I can explain how that works because when you're noticing the thought regularly and you're calling it out, it's kind of like when somebody has a really bad behavioral pattern and you just keep calling it out and calling it out and calling it out. And then noticing how it makes you feel honoring the feeling behind it because the feeling is actually what is really backing up the belief system.

• 32:27Lewis Howes?

  The feeling, how your body connects to the idea.

• 32:30Gabby Bernstein?

  Oh yeah, it's a somatic experience. Your body believes that, that, that you're not good enough, that you're, whatever it is.

• 32:39Lewis Howes?

  So how do we embrace a new feeling with the thought so that we, our body starts to believe it?

• 32:46Gabby Bernstein?

  One of the great practices for really releasing unresolved emotional disturbances is a practice called emotional freedom technique, which you're familiar with, something I practice or friends, the Ortners practice and teach. It's called tapping, emotional freedom technique, or otherwise known as EFT. And what's beautiful about a practice like tapping, and I'm going to give that one and a few others, what's beautiful about a practice like tapping is that you can take a thought or a belief, or just a feeling that you're having in the moment, and you can tap on it, which is meaning that you tap on these different energy meridians

• 33:30Gabby Bernstein?

  on your face and your chest, under your arm and your head, while you talk about the emotional disturbance. And what that does is it releases the amygdala's fight-flight response. It stimulates the vagus nerve, which regulates your nervous system and it allows your nervous system to calm down and settle. And then when you're more in a more settled state, that's when you become safe enough to start to redirect and move into a more elevated way of thinking. The more you practice a pattern like this, a pattern like EFT, and I'll name a few others. The more you actually are working with the thoughts, but also working with the feelings

• 34:11Gabby Bernstein?

  and therefore the beliefs to regulate and then redirect. It's like how Dan Siegel says about children, you have to connect then redirect. You can't just yell at a kid and say, do it better. You have to connect, honor their feelings, respect where they're at, find out what's up with them. When you notice that they settle, that's when you can say, hey, do you think we could go and try that again? So that's, we have to care for our parts in that way as well. So through E F T, you can go through these different rounds of expressing the emotional disturbance while tapping, which then regulates your, your energy field in that belief system

• 34:52Gabby Bernstein?

  and brings it to a special, loving, connected, more centered baseline. At which point in that new baseline, that's when you can redirect and begin to tap on what it is that you do want to feel or what is working or what is supportive in that moment.

• 35:05Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 35:06Gabby Bernstein?

  That's one method.

• 35:07Lewis Howes?

  I love that. Yeah, I think for me, I've been doing a lot of just breath work in general. When I feel overwhelmed, stressed and anxious, instead of, you know, staying in that pain, I really try to connect my body to my breath and breathe through my entire body so that I can calm myself down and then ask myself, is this a feeling or a thought that is supporting me or is it something connected to my past that I haven't worked on yet? So breath work is another technique that I think has been really helpful. Uh, you know, there's a lot of extreme physical activities like ice baths and saunas and other things to connect to the body so that you can start to really kind of release some of those things, but just feel more connected to it and see how can you move beyond it?

• 35:51Lewis Howes?

  Like, like tapping, which I think is really powerful. So any type of physical and thought related process, I'm hearing you say could be powerful and just figure out, figure out what works for you.

• 36:03Gabby Bernstein?

  A tool we can give your folks right now is actually a tapping method similar to what you were referring to with breath work. It's like, there's a point which is called the gamut point, which I like to refer to as the holy shit point. And it's between your pinky finger and your ring finger, right there.

• 36:16Lewis Howes?

  Okay, right here.

• 36:18Gabby Bernstein?

  And that's the point when you notice yourself in that freak out, that trigger, that I want to, you know, I want to throw something. Step aside, tap this point and you could say an affirmation like, I'm safe. Just breathe.

• 36:35Gabby Bernstein?

  I'm safe. I'm safe.

• 36:41Gabby Bernstein?

  Or you could say, I'm loved. I'm supported.

• 36:45Gabby Bernstein?

  Really, I like, I am safe because remember, like I said, under every trigger is the feeling of not being safe.

• 36:53Gabby Bernstein?

  I'm safe and just tap that point. That is a.

• 36:58Gabby Bernstein?

  It's a, it's a, it's a quick resolution that we all have in our, in our, in our hands. We have all access. Another one would be your right hand on your heart and your left hand on your belly. And to your point, breath work, breathing inhale and extending your diaphragm and exhale, releasing it. Or even inhaling for two quick breaths and exhaling with a long exhalation. And that will really just begin to stimulate your nervous system in a way that just tells your body relax.

• 37:26Gabby Bernstein?

  You can say all the right things, but if your body ain't connected to what you're saying, then it's gonna, it's still gonna just stay in the cycle.

• 37:34Lewis Howes?

  Yeah. So you gotta connect the body with the belief as well. It's powerful, the feeling with the thought and, and match them both. I'm a big believer that when we doubt ourselves consistently, it's hard to manifest what we want. It's hard to attract when we live in doubt.

• 37:55Lewis Howes?

  And self-confidence is something that I think is, it's hard for a lot of people, especially in the last year, to, to stay confident under chaos. What have been some of your strategies or tools or techniques to build inner confidence, whole confidence, complete confidence, not reliant on what's happening on the external world?

• 38:14Gabby Bernstein?

  Yeah, what a nice question. One of my main methods for establishing inner confidence that's not reliant on, on the outside world is to become more me, to be more authentic, more vulnerable, more, more real, more, more willing to tell the truth, more willing to be radically honest.

• 38:39Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 38:40Gabby Bernstein?

  Because when I'm just being me, I have nothing to prove.

• 38:50Gabby Bernstein?

  I'm just

• 38:51Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 38:52Gabby Bernstein?

  in the truth of who I am. And I also know that that's all that anyone else outside of me wants as well. It's just that truth. All you want from someone is that truth. I think that's why you and I have gotten closer as friends because we've gotten more honest with each other and more honest with ourselves, right, as humans. So we can, we can pick up the phone and just feel that connection. So I, I, I, I think that the, one of the secrets to, to confidence is to accept that your authentic truth is the coolest part of who you are.

• 39:26Gabby Bernstein?

  That's when we can start to lay down the pretenses of who we think we should be.

• 39:32Lewis Howes?

  Not your authentic truth is bad and not good enough or lacking.

• 39:37Gabby Bernstein?

  Or weird or, yeah. Just, just be real.

• 39:43Gabby Bernstein?

  Be real in the moment. Uh, you know, I interviewed somebody recently and she was like, I'm just so nervous and so nervous. And I was like, that's cool. Like you're nervous. Okay.

• 39:52Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 39:53Gabby Bernstein?

  Let's just be with the nervousness. Thank you for telling me you were nervous. Because it, you know, it clears the air. It allows me to be present with where you're at in this moment and not feel uncomfortable in your discomfort. Say it like it is. Just tell the freaking truth.

• 40:08Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 40:09Gabby Bernstein?

  This is what's up for me. This is where I'm at.

• 40:15Lewis Howes?

  Any other strategies for building self-confidence?

• 40:18Gabby Bernstein?

  Yes, many.

• 40:22Gabby Bernstein?

  One form of self-confidence for me has come through unwavering faith in a spiritual connection. Because

• 40:34Gabby Bernstein?

  when I, as a result of really being devoted to believing that there is a presence beyond me.

• 40:42Gabby Bernstein?

  In the service of what is of the highest good for me and for all, has given me this level of certainty that I dreamt of, that I can now live and stand by. Therefore, when things are not working out the way I planned, I know there's a better plan. When something is delayed, I know that it's because there's something better coming. When there is rejection, I can see it as protection. Because I have a belief system that there is a higher presence, that there's a presence of a higher power. Spirit guides

• 41:16Gabby Bernstein?

  my grandmother, ancestors, working with me to co-create this life that I am living. So I don't feel alone anymore, because one of the big reasons we feel we lack confidence is because we feel so alone. And so really feeling a presence of spiritual connection by your side. There's a beautiful message from A Course in Miracles. If you knew who walked beside you on the path that you have chosen, fear would be impossible.

• 41:44Lewis Howes?

  I just got chills. That is

• 41:47Lewis Howes?

  if you could actually believe in the unseen. And if that was true, but you just can't see it, and but you could feel it, then it would be a lot different life.

• 41:59Gabby Bernstein?

  Right. I actually asked in one of my books, I think that the the chapter title of one in a chapter title in The Universe Has Your Back, baby, was how would you live if you knew you were being guided?

• 42:13Lewis Howes?

  Well, I mean, this is something that a lot of the, I would say, radical Christ followers. You you see people who are, you know, just believe in in Christ and that Christ is guiding them and working through them and all these things.

• 42:32Lewis Howes?

  Those people have a sense of certainty and faith and trust and connection to a spiritual, uh, you know, to their, their spiritual truth. And I think it's, it's beautiful to see whether you believe or agree in it with it or not. It's, it's beautiful to see the, the power that someone has or the letting go of fear that someone has when they believe in something greater than themselves or their fears. And again, whether you want to call it Jesus or, you know, your ancestors or whatever you want to call the thing that works for you. I think it's important to find something beyond, well, I'm alone here on this earth and what's the purpose? Cause then you're going to be really scared and messed up.

• 43:11Gabby Bernstein?

  Totally, totally. And I, that's been my whole career has been about helping people recognize and identify a spiritual connection of their own understanding.

• 43:19Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 43:20Gabby Bernstein?

  So it doesn't have to be a religious spirit. It doesn't have to be Gabby Bernstein's definition. It's your faith statement, your own understanding. To crack you open to what that means to you. It doesn't matter what it looks like, what it sounds like, what it's, what you call it. But it's that you start to rely on it, on a presence beyond your own. I love to say too, that we, the secret to manifesting, the secret to attracting what you want is to forget what you think you need. Because when your agenda is so wrapped up in your desires, you block what could be. You block major possibilities that otherwise could be way bigger than what you even anticipated or thought you could receive.

• 44:05Lewis Howes?

  So should we stop desiring things?

• 44:08Gabby Bernstein?

  No, no, no, not at all. It's just to forget what you, when I say, so for instance, I have a desire to have another child. I started to go through the IVF journey, uh, last May. So we're coming up on a year.

• 44:23Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 44:24Gabby Bernstein?

  The whole time, Louis, being on medication for over

• 44:29Lewis Howes?

  That's painful, isn't it?

• 44:30Gabby Bernstein?

  A year. And the whole journey, I was steady, man. I gained, you know, 15 pounds. I was like, you know, taking medication every single day for 365 days. I stayed steady because I knew that my desire was on the way. But I had to forget what I thought I needed, which was I needed to happen now. I needed to happen this way, or I needed to happen without, you know, six rounds or without seven rounds or whatever, eight rounds, whatever it was, or I needed to happen on my timeline or my, you know, or without gaining weight or whatever my story might have been.

• 45:12Gabby Bernstein?

  Instead, I just continued to stay steady and show up, listen to my inner guidance system, advocate for myself when I knew that something didn't feel right. And we're moving in the right direction now. Moving in the right direction now. But it's been a year. It's no small thing.

• 45:34Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, it's a lot of time.

• 45:35Gabby Bernstein?

  But what's a miracle about that is my therapist even said, she was like, I'm so blown away by how steady you've been through this. And I said, it's because I have unwavering faith in the universe.

• 45:46Lewis Howes?

  When would you not have unwavering faith? How much time would have to pass where you'd be like, okay, maybe the universe is telling me that this isn't supposed to be happening for me at this time?

• 45:57Gabby Bernstein?

  Uh, it would never say that this isn't supposed to be happening. I would just say it's not supposed to be happening in this way.

• 46:02Lewis Howes?

  Hmm, interesting.

• 46:04Gabby Bernstein?

  I think that's an important message for anybody on the conception journey. There's many ways to have children.

• 46:08Lewis Howes?

  Right, right. So it doesn't mean your desires, you can still have the desires. It may not look the way you want it to look.

• 46:15Gabby Bernstein?

  Oh, yeah, that's right.

• 46:16Lewis Howes?

  Interesting. Should we be guided by our desires and our dreams or should we be guided by something else?

• 46:25Gabby Bernstein?

  I think that our desires and our dreams deserve respect. I think that they can be a driving force within us. But the real driver has to be devotional steadiness and peace and groundedness in the present moment. That has to be what drives us most. That's what we have to rely on most because the only way to get to the dream joyfully is to have fun along the way, to be present in the moment, to stay grounded in the moment, to stay steady in the moment, even and to, and to have faith and have fun even when the thing hasn't come.

• 47:08Lewis Howes?

  That's really the whole.

• 47:12Lewis Howes?

  I guess, strategy behind manifesting is being present, having fun, cultivating peace.

• 47:20Lewis Howes?

  That's really the process, isn't it?

• 47:22Gabby Bernstein?

  You know, I wrote this book, Super Attractor, that we've talked about on your show before. And when I, and the subtitle of Super Attractor is Methods for Manifesting a Life Beyond Your Wildest Dreams. And it's no small, it's no small promise, but it is the promise. But these methods that I teach in the book are not methods for tricking the universe. They're methods for feeling good. Because the secret to manifesting is to feel good. When you, we often think that when I get that thing, I'm going to be happy. It's the opposite, is when I feel good, what I desire is on its way. Or it's coming faster than I could contemplate. So, back to the IVF journey, I just was steady and feeling good.

• 48:07Gabby Bernstein?

  Drove an hour and a half every day there, an hour and a half there, an hour and a half back to go to this clinic. Because I live in the country. I was driving there and back, listening to you, listening to Rich Roll, listening to the podcast, Jay, and all my buddies. Learning, studying IFS in the car. And I wrote a book this year, I wrote a book in 2020. Educating myself so that I could, because I was writing about neuroscience and things I'd never touched before. And so instead of just dreading the drive, I looked forward to that drive. That drive was my study time. It was the only, it was like, I had these almost three hours, you know, several days a month, where I could devote just to studying.

• 48:51Gabby Bernstein?

  And otherwise, I may not have given myself that time. So, that joyful experience in the moment allowed me to look back and say, wow, a year I did this. A year I went through this, and I was never hung up along the way.

• 49:06Lewis Howes?

  I think that's one of the secrets, uh, definitely to, to manifesting is making the moments that you don't enjoy enjoyable.

• 49:14Gabby Bernstein?

  Yeah.

• 49:16Lewis Howes?

  And finding a way to have fun in the things that bring you discomfort or pain. And I remember, uh, in my early twenties, I was a truck driver for three months and I would drive six hours a day, driving like a big truck that had car parts in the back for Napa, Napa car, uh, Napa auto parts. And I drove, um, yeah, two hours, one direction. I would transfer the parts, drive back about two and a half, three hours on the way back in traffic. And I remember the first week being like, this is miserable. I was making like $250 a week, driving five days a week, six hours a day. I was like, this is not fun. But I gotta make this enjoyable. Otherwise I'm going to drive myself insane. And I started imagining,

• 50:01Lewis Howes?

  and at that time I just started learning salsa dancing. And I said, I'm going to use this time to salsa dance, even though I can't dance, but I can imagine it in my mind. And I put in a CD every single day of the greatest salsa hits. And I would just imagine myself learning the dances and going over the dances for six hours a day. And then I'd go practice at night and, and dance. And it was, I made it more enjoyable.

• 50:24Gabby Bernstein?

  Yeah.

• 50:25Lewis Howes?

  And, uh, it just made it, I don't know, that much more fun.

• 50:29Gabby Bernstein?

  Yeah.

• 50:30Lewis Howes?

  Or wasn't this painful thing.

• 50:31Gabby Bernstein?

  Yeah.

• 50:32Lewis Howes?

  I think the, the key to feeling, you know, when you can learn how to feel good, even when you don't feel good, you're going to attract and manifest so much more than you ever thought.

• 50:42Gabby Bernstein?

  That's right. That's right.

• 50:44Lewis Howes?

  It's, it's really, it's really easy to complain and feel bad all day long. It's so easy, right?

• 50:51Gabby Bernstein?

  Yeah. Well, it's our default. It's our default. We have, we're fault finders. We're, we're suffer seekers. We're constantly thinking that if, you know, if I'm not suffering or struggling, I'm not succeeding. I mean, there's just all backwards crap in our brain. But one of the biggest ways to feel good with our circumstances is just be in the acceptance of what is as well, because a lot of what causes us the most discomfort is our resistance to discomfort. So in those moments when we can just say, this isn't like the most exciting moment of my life. You know, this isn't, or this isn't exactly what I want to be doing. I'm okay with, I'm just accepting of that. You know, it's like, I didn't, I know, I would notice myself when I would be taking a shot and I would be mad about it. And then I would

• 51:36Gabby Bernstein?

  just get into acceptance. Well, you're 41 years old and you want to have a baby and this is where, what you do. And, and you know, you, and then I would quickly move from acceptance into appreciation of, well, you have an insurance, the policy that covers all this. And you know, a lot of people are taking out a second mortgage on their home to do this. And you have this incredible blessing and you know, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, right?

• 51:58Gabby Bernstein?

  And I actually like to tell you something really cool. Yesterday I gave my sister in law, my sister in law is a young, a young friend who's going through fertility treatment. And I had all this leftover medication. I mean, it's like, almost was making me sad looking at all the medication, because it's just like, bags and bags of medication. I know how much of that I actually threw out, and how much of it went into my body. And you just look at, and you're like, oh my God, it's like this, it's sort of this like overwhelming. And my husband looked at it and he's like, you took all of that? I was like, dude, yeah.

• 52:26Lewis Howes?

  Oh man.

• 52:28Gabby Bernstein?

  And I had so much medication in my refrigerator, and I was kind of holding on to it, even though I don't need it anymore. But I was like, holding on to it, like, what if I do need it to get, like, just some, you know, like, fake insurance policy? And this young woman was, my girlfriend was telling me that she had this friend that needed it. And I said, this is such a statement to the universe. Like, I was like, grab a bag with a bunch of ice packs. Here you go. And I piled that bag up with all the leftover medication that had not even been opened yet, because it just hadn't needed or ever. And I handed it to my sister in law, I said, go give this to that young woman, you know, save her a lot of money. This is like thousands of dollars of medication, give this to her. But more importantly, uh, well, what, number one, I'm grateful I can have the ability to give that to her, because I didn't need it anymore. And it was great. And

• 53:12Gabby Bernstein?

  she was ready for it. But most importantly for myself, it was such a statement to the universe where I'm like, I have no use for that anymore. I'm not going to that anymore, no matter what. There's, there's a path laid before me, no matter what, that's not my choice anymore. And so sometimes, even when we have a desire, and we think it has to be one way, we sometimes have to commit to a new direction. We want to hold on to the old, we want to hold on to the backup plan, or whatever. It's like, you gotta make a commitment. You gotta tell the universe clearly sometimes.

• 53:44Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, you gotta let it go. Yeah.

• 53:48Lewis Howes?

  You mentioned needing, uh, what's the difference between wanting and needing energy? And if we need something, or if we're needy in general, are we attracting and manifesting? Or is wanting something different than needy?

• 54:05Gabby Bernstein?

  Wanting and needing are very different. Uh, wanting,

• 54:11Gabby Bernstein?

  as long as it's not paired up with a neediness.

• 54:15Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 54:16Gabby Bernstein?

  Is beautiful. It's a longing. It's a desire. It's a cultivation of, uh, as Abraham would say, a rocket of desire. It's just sending out to the universe. I want love in my life. I want another baby. Like, I, oh, Louis, I want another baby in my arms. I love having a baby. I want my son to have a best friend. I want my, my family to feel complete. I want another little footstep in my house. Like, you feel that. I don't feel needy when I say that to you. I feel like excited and have happy anticipation for what can be. Needy looks like I need that relationship to feel safe. I need that money to be good enough. I need that

• 54:59Gabby Bernstein?

  accomplishment. It's, it's, it's a vibrational frequency that is not attractive. It does not magnetize towards it. The universe can't support it. It is not in alignment with your super attractor power. So needy is actually another way that we get into what I call manic manifesting, because when we're in that needy place, like we'll do everything that we have to do to get to that.

• 55:19Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 55:20Gabby Bernstein?

  Forcing it. Exactly. So whenever a desire is backed with neediness, it's, it's definitely misaligned.

• 55:26Lewis Howes?

  And what about the idea of, I deserve this to happen. I deserve this in my life because of this. I deserve this thing, or an entitlement energy, deserving an entitlement. What did those energies bring to us or repel us?

• 55:45Gabby Bernstein?

  It's interesting. I have two points of thought on that.

• 55:50Gabby Bernstein?

  If you come from a place of I am entitled to miracles, because my natural birthright is love. And when I'm in alignment with love, and when I'm expressing love, and when I am in commitment to love and connection and compassion and service, then I am aligned with the universal energy of love and miracles are my birthright. That is a spiritual form of entitlement, right? It's, it's, this is, this is the belief system that I am love. And when I don't forget that, the universe delivers. I've been teaching that for over a decade.

• 56:32Gabby Bernstein?

  So there's a big difference between feeling that level of

• 56:39Gabby Bernstein?

  when I am in alignment with the energy of love, love is reflected back to me. That's an entitled, that's entitled to miracles. But sometimes this is like a semantics issue, right? Because then the other form of entitlement of like, I deserve that job, or I deserve this because I've put so much in. Ooh, that's yucky. That's that like, you know, I have people I mentor and I often hear them say things like, I've been working on my personal growth for so many years. I don't deserve this. I deserve more than this. And it's like, well, you know, that belief system might be one of the reasons why you haven't gotten that thing yet. You know, it's like,

• 57:20Gabby Bernstein?

  so I guess, I guess the way I would describe the difference between spiritual entitlement and sort of like ego entitlement is that spiritual entitlement is comes when you are truly grounded in the truth of who you are and why you're here. And ego entitlement is when you're disconnected from that truth.

• 57:42Gabby Bernstein?

  Trying to fill a hole.

• 57:43Lewis Howes?

  Hmm.

• 57:44Gabby Bernstein?

  That you could only find with a genuine spiritual connection.

• 57:49Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, and I go back the way when you were just saying that I think about uh when you feel like you deserve something, you're more in judgment mode, you're more in like, why isn't your impatient and you're judging, you're judging something that hasn't happened yet or that isn't happening for you yet as opposed to flipping the script and saying, okay, this is happening for me for the betterment of my future. And where's the appreciation and the gratitude in this moment? I think would be a better place of manifesting and attracting.

• 58:18Gabby Bernstein?

  But it also doesn't mean that we can't believe we're deserving of something. Because for instance, I think I believe that I am deserving of of many things in my life. Because back to that spiritual entitlement.

• 58:38Gabby Bernstein?

  Because I believe that the things that I am deserving of are a reflection of who I am.

• 58:45Gabby Bernstein?

  That makes sense?

• 58:46Lewis Howes?

  Absolutely. Yeah, absolutely.

• 58:50Lewis Howes?

  Two things that I've noticed people struggle with the most.

• 58:56Lewis Howes?

  Their attraction to financial abundance and their attraction to peaceful love and connection.

• 59:10Lewis Howes?

  Love in general, a relationship that is more peaceful.

• 59:13Gabby Bernstein?

  Because not everybody's attracted to peaceful love and connection.

• 59:16Lewis Howes?

  Right, right, but people, people struggle attracting financial abundance and peaceful love.

• 59:22Gabby Bernstein?

  There you go.

• 59:22Lewis Howes?

  That's what I meant to say. They struggle with finding, attracting a financial abundance and attracting a calm, peaceful, connected love presence in their life, intimate relationship.

• 59:32Gabby Bernstein?

  Right.

• 59:33Lewis Howes?

  Of that, of that standard.

• 59:37Lewis Howes?

  What can we start to do? Let's start with money first. What can we start to do to feel spiritually entitled to more financial abundance and believe we are worthy of earning more?

• 59:54Lewis Howes?

  Let's talk about money first.

• 59:56Gabby Bernstein?

  Well, let's actually look at both of these desires because you're on the front lines of witnessing people's needs and wants, right? Because in the space that we work in, you see it every day. And so they want money and peace and love. What do those two things offer someone?

• 1:00:17Lewis Howes?

  Uh, safety.

• 1:00:18Gabby Bernstein?

  There you go. Yeah. Security and safety.

• 1:00:21Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:00:21Gabby Bernstein?

  What is the underlying root cause condition for our triggers? Feeling unsafe.

• 1:00:27Lewis Howes?

  Feeling unsafe and secure. Yeah, uncertain.

• 1:00:30Gabby Bernstein?

  So what are we seeking most? Safety and security. And why are we seeking that most?

• 1:00:40Gabby Bernstein?

  At some point along the way in our childhood years, that secure attachment was breached. Whether we grew up in the best household or not, there is energetic disturbances. Of course, those kids that grew up with a secure attachment often likely don't have a lot of issues in relationships or as adults, or may not have major issues attracting. Look, money has a different, a different connotation too, but let's say they grew up in a secure attachment style in a home that wasn't in lack and they have a belief system that's pretty confident and, and therefore they've, they've got this leg up. That is a pretty, you know, it, it, there are steady people out there. They do exist.

• 1:01:26Gabby Bernstein?

  But the vast majority of people have some kind of insecure attachment, whether it's, it's from a trauma or it's just from sort of a feeling of not being seen. So the real work to gain that confidence to believe you're worthy and deserving of the love that you long for, the abundance that you long for, is to develop a healthier sense of safety from within. That can come through many of the things that we've spoken about on this show already through through therapeutic practices. It comes through even following, there's, there's thousands of self-help books in the

• 1:02:07Gabby Bernstein?

  world that have, have offered people miraculous change without having decades of therapy. That there are ways to follow the guidance of spiritual teachers and personal growth leaders and, and, and self-help developmental people. So there's a lot of resources out there, but the, the first step to

• 1:02:26Gabby Bernstein?

  becoming grounded in the belief system that you are worthy of that what you desire is to get grounded in the belief system that you're worthy of love.

• 1:02:39Lewis Howes?

  Hmm. How do we believe that if we never felt like we had it?

• 1:02:44Gabby Bernstein?

  Yeah.

• 1:02:46Gabby Bernstein?

  You start with loving yourself.

• 1:02:48Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:02:49Gabby Bernstein?

  You start by first recognizing, I always say that, you know, say nice things to yourself because you're the only one listening. So speaking to yourself with compassion, letting yourself off the hook, forgiving yourself in the moment, releasing yourself from a storyline that you've held on to. That self-care is what we call in IFS is being self-led, led by that resource part of you. So this is a game I play with my husband from time to time. When he's hung up about something, and this is helpful for parents. I don't know if this can be helpful if you're not a parent, but you can think about it in the way of how you would speak to a child.

• 1:03:32Lewis Howes?

  Sure.

• 1:03:33Gabby Bernstein?

  So I say to Zach, Zach will say to me, you know, I'm hung up about, you know, how so-and-so isn't getting the job done on the, on the construction thing or whatever, or I don't even know, like any, any issue, right? Or, you know, work thing or whatever. I'm not, I'm not, I'm not happy with this situation. And I would say to him, well, if Ali came to you, Oliver's our son, if Ali came to you with the same problem, what would you say to him? He, he, he's like, I would say, Ali, don't worry about it. It's under control. You're going to get everything you need.

• 1:04:01Gabby Bernstein?

  And I'm like, dude, can't you say that to yourself?

• 1:04:06Gabby Bernstein?

  Can't you say that to the young part of you that's activated right now? And he said, okay, I can't. And he does. And it's like, and then he's back. That's self-energy. Self-energy is that adult resource part of us that wants to speak back to the child. And so, so you can ask yourself, if you have young children in your life, like a niece or nephew, or if you, or if you think of how innocent a child is, what would you say to that kid? You have limitless possibilities, dude. You are beautiful. You have everything you could ever contemplate. So begin to speak to yourself, speak to those child parts, or speak to yourself as if you would speak to your own children, or as if you would speak to an innocent child.

• 1:04:42Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:04:46Lewis Howes?

  It's such a practice to learn how to do that. It sounds, it seems easy to say it, but it's such a practice to really say kind things to ourselves. At least, at least it was for me, because for about 30 years, I, I pretty much didn't know how to say a kind thing authentically. I would say it in a way of like an ego of like, you're the best, you're going to be the best. Who cares if they don't love you? Like, screw them, like you can prove them wrong mentality. But it just left me feeling much more disconnected and empty. When, when I proved myself that I was the best at the thing I was doing, or whatever, I was just like, oh, but I still don't feel enough.

• 1:05:22Gabby Bernstein?

  Right, right.

• 1:05:24Lewis Howes?

  I still don't feel loved. So now what? And it was like a even darker. It's like you achieve everything you want and you feel less and less loved. And it feels like no matter what you create in the world or achieve, it's not enough. And then you're like, oh, this is the dark place.

• 1:05:41Gabby Bernstein?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, it's funnier, but reminding me of this moment that I haven't thought of in years. So I was probably like 30, maybe 31, when I was interviewed on Oprah's Super Soul Sunday. 32, early 30s. I wasn't even married yet. And I'm on Oprah and I'm sitting there and she's like, well, what's the most important thing you've ever learned? And I'm looking at Oprah, you know, like the thing that I'd been manifesting for 30 something years. And I was like, That nothing out there can make me happy. That's the biggest lesson I've learned at this young age of whatever 30.

• 1:06:13Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:06:13Gabby Bernstein?

  That nothing out there and to the idea, the concept of like sitting there on the Oprah freaking show, saying that out loud was a was a big statement. Did I believe it in that moment? I believed it. It didn't mean that I was living it fully then.

• 1:06:29Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:06:30Gabby Bernstein?

  Did not mean that I was living it fully then. But I think that the more that you live it, the more that you that you show up for the inner parts rather than the outer parts, the clearer you become that the outside stuff isn't the answer. And then the irony is that the outside stuff just comes so much more easily.

• 1:06:50Lewis Howes?

  It does.

• 1:06:51Gabby Bernstein?

  Because it's all a reflection of your internal condition, all of it. So I guess the moral of the story here, Lewis Howes, is that we got to focus on our inner life. We put so, think about all the energy and time we put, we focus on earning and selling or pitching ourselves or getting that thing or getting that relationship or getting that weight. What if we took all those hours and placed those hours on, and I'm not saying that we can't, we can't work, we got to make money, we got to survive. But what if we took a fraction of those hours and put them into our own personal development? How different would we be? How much easier would life be? How much more effortless would would these experiences be? I can tell you a lot easier.

• 1:07:35Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, it goes back to like, you know, finding fun in the things that aren't fun, like finding fun in the friction, whatever you want to call it. It's like, yeah, we've got to show up to work and some, there are seasons of our life that we may not want to do these certain things. I didn't want to be a truck driver for many months. I didn't want to, you know, play on teams that I felt like I was better than to be on. I didn't want to do these things for seasons of my life, but when I. stopped creating friction in those moments and said, okay, how can I be more free? How can I have more fun? Then it allowed me to progress beyond those things and attract what I really wanted to for the next season. And I think that's really the secret for me has been, how do I make every day fun? How do I make everyone around me feel better by my way of being, my energy, by just being playful?

• 1:08:20Lewis Howes?

  And by doing that, I remember when I, when I got started in kind of this business or industry world or whatever, 2008, 2009, I had nothing. I was broke. I was a joke. I, I sleeping on my sister's couch at that time. And I remember going to conferences back in 2008, 2009, 2010, somehow weaseling my way into like the dinner rooms after the events with like the top speakers and industry leaders. Weaseling somehow like finding someone to be like, hey, tag along and be like, oh my God, I'm, I'm here. I'm in the room. And I just remember being like, I know nothing. I'm an idiot. I am completely clueless to what people are saying, but how can I just have fun? And by having fun and just asking questions that weren't related to business, but about

• 1:09:04Lewis Howes?

  their interests.

• 1:09:06Gabby Bernstein?

  Yes.

• 1:09:06Lewis Howes?

  They're like, huh, I like this Lewis guy. Like, hey, come over, come hang out over here and come over and do this thing with us. And by having that proximity allowed me to create more opportunities for myself. And because I was willing to have fun, and I think that's really the secret is just being playful, having fun in the day to day life because you're going to attract more.

• 1:09:26Gabby Bernstein?

  Joy is the ultimate creator.

• 1:09:28Lewis Howes?

  Joy.

• 1:09:29Gabby Bernstein?

  Joy. When you are having a good time, you are manifesting effortlessly.

• 1:09:37Lewis Howes?

  No one wants to get into a relationship with a, a negative individual who's got the life sucked out of them.

• 1:09:43Gabby Bernstein?

  No, no.

• 1:09:44Lewis Howes?

  You, you're a magnet. There's this, uh, there's this, a friend of mine who is married, uh, for a long time and she's going through divorce right now. And, uh, I said, Your energy is completely shifted in a positive way. Like you were living at a six out of 10 before. Now you're at a 12. And, and she recognized she wasn't in the right relationship and she should have gotten out many years ago, but now she's gotten out and I was like, your energy is going to be magnetic in the world. Like you're going to create so much in your business. You're going to attract like millions of men to you now because you're smiling, you're joyful, you, you feel free,

• 1:10:26Lewis Howes?

  this energy around you. And that is going to be a magnet to anything you want in all areas of your life. And I think when we feel stuck, trapped, limited, it's hard to really manifest. But like you said, joy will bring us more possibilities.

• 1:10:41Gabby Bernstein?

  Yeah. And, and let's speak to the person who's really suffering right now. So you're really suffering. Maybe you're stuck in an addiction. Maybe you're having mental illness, you're experiencing mental illness. Maybe you lost everything through COVID or lost a loved one and you're grieving. That doesn't mean that you can't have moments of reprieve along the way. That doesn't mean that you can't have moments of relief. That doesn't mean that you can't be listening to this podcast right now, feeling so loved and cared for and, and feeling the compassion that we have for the world in this moment. Doesn't mean that these, these, these difficult times have to be this sort of sentence. Because someone hearing like, oh, you don't have to be in perfect joy to be manifesting. Well, no, you could actually

• 1:11:23Gabby Bernstein?

  be in a low vibe state, but doing your best to do your best every day.

• 1:11:29Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, yeah. And being authentic to that moment.

• 1:11:31Gabby Bernstein?

  Manifesting something better every day, every day, every day. It's, it's the emotional guidance scale. I've written about it in Super Tractor. Again, it's the Abraham Hicks emotional guidance scale where it, you know, you might be in despair, but later that day, you're feeling jealous. Well, jealousy is actually a much higher vibration than despair. So you can celebrate that. You can celebrate that you've moved up the scale. And then maybe you're in, you're in boredom. Boredom's better than jealousy. Okay. You know, you're moving up the scale. So while you may still be in like kind of low vibe states, it's a better low vibe state than it was yesterday.

• 1:12:08Lewis Howes?

  What is, uh, what are we saying to ourselves when we have jealousy and insecurity?

• 1:12:17Gabby Bernstein?

  Jealousy is a form of witnessing undeveloped parts of ourselves in others.

• 1:12:29Gabby Bernstein?

  So we become jealous because we have not given ourselves permission to be that yet.

• 1:12:38Gabby Bernstein?

  Or because we're instead of, instead of seeing those qualities in the other person as a reflection of who we are and the possibility of what we're stepping into, we see it as a reminder of what we are not.

• 1:12:50Lewis Howes?

  What we're lacking or what we don't have.

• 1:12:52Gabby Bernstein?

  What we're lacking, who we, who we can't be. But what I often say is those people who you admire most are a reflection of what you admire most within yourself when you are in that state of love and, and perception. So, so you may not actually admire that in yourself yet, but it is what is potential within you.

• 1:13:09Lewis Howes?

  What's possible.

• 1:13:10Gabby Bernstein?

  What's possible within you.

• 1:13:12Lewis Howes?

  So when we experience jealousy around someone else having something or being in a relationship or having a career, the business that we want or we desire or we feel like we want, what should we take, what should our next thought or steps be to not live in that jealousy, but to be on, be beyond that?

• 1:13:34Gabby Bernstein?

  Get curious about it. You know, say, thank you jealousy for revealing to me a part of myself that I may not have developed yet. Let's, let me get curious about that. How is there, is there something in my life that I could be developing? I, i, i, is there a way that I could be leaning into this more?

• 1:13:56Lewis Howes?

  Is there anything you're jealous of right now?

• 1:14:00Gabby Bernstein?

  Or? No.

• 1:14:00Lewis Howes?

  Some, some wanna thing?

• 1:14:02Gabby Bernstein?

  No.

• 1:14:04Gabby Bernstein?

  No. Well, I mean, no, jealous. I think that when I was going through the IVF journey, I was a little jealous. I had a lot of friends that got pregnant this year. So it was a little jealous of that like ease with which they got pregnant in their 40s and all that kind of stuff, you know? So I think that's an area where I've experienced some jealousy. So again, you know, a reflection of, of a, uh, uh, un, you know, part of myself that I haven't fully claimed yet. That oh yes, that can come to me in the perfect divine order. Particularly when I was trying to conceive my son, I was very open with you about the years I spent three years trying to conceive how jealous I was of the other women that were.

• 1:14:42Lewis Howes?

  All these other women. I just, uh, you know,

• 1:14:47Lewis Howes?

  we took the goalie off for one day and there we go. It just happened one time.

• 1:14:52Gabby Bernstein?

  These women, these amazing women, these fertile beings.

• 1:14:56Lewis Howes?

  With these golden eggs. Yeah.

• 1:14:57Gabby Bernstein?

  It got to the point where I literally, at one point, my best friend Michaela looks just like me. She's Australian. At one point I was like, do you think you could give me an egg?

• 1:15:05Gabby Bernstein?

  I was like, you don't look like me, you know? But she had actually had a baby during that time and my other girlfriend had a baby that time and my other girlfriend at 41 got pregnant overnight. So it was like, it was a little bit of, a little bit of jealousy that might've been, um, maybe not even spoken of to myself.

• 1:15:21Lewis Howes?

  Yeah. What about insecurities? Do you feel insecure around anything in your life right now? And what is insecurity saying to us?

• 1:15:29Gabby Bernstein?

  Insecurity says to me

• 1:15:33Gabby Bernstein?

  that I don't feel safe.

• 1:15:36Gabby Bernstein?

  Or in some cases, it says, I haven't done my homework. Right? So, so

• 1:15:43Gabby Bernstein?

  I don't claim to be an authority in an area that I'm not confident in. Or I, I mean, the reason I can get on stage in front of thousands of people and just speak exuberantly is because I have a vision of where I want to go before I get on that stage, right? I've done, I've done the, the, the work that I need to do to show, to show up. And even just being here with you and you and I speaking confidently and comfortably is just being in the devotional stance of what we believe. So if there's, if you, if you were to ask me about like an area that I just didn't understand, I tried to pretend like I did, that would feel very insecure to me.

• 1:16:21Lewis Howes?

  Gotcha.

• 1:16:24Lewis Howes?

  What is the thing that you needed to hear or know when you were a young Gabby? Seven, eight, 10 years old? What was the thing you needed to hear or know to support you?

• 1:16:36Gabby Bernstein?

  You are safe is what I needed to hear and know.

• 1:16:40Lewis Howes?

  Did you never feel safe?

• 1:16:41Gabby Bernstein?

  No.

• 1:16:44Gabby Bernstein?

  Not until a year ago.

• 1:16:46Lewis Howes?

  Really? You didn't feel safe until a year ago?

• 1:16:48Gabby Bernstein?

  Yeah.

• 1:16:49Lewis Howes?

  Why, why do you think it took, uh, or what opened up for you in order to feel it now? You felt safe in the middle of pandemic.

• 1:16:57Gabby Bernstein?

  So safe.

• 1:17:00Lewis Howes?

  Why, why, why didn't you feel safe until a year ago? What needed to happen in order you to feel safe sooner? Or do you think you weren't supposed to feel safe until now?

• 1:17:13Gabby Bernstein?

  I wasn't ready to feel safe until now. I, I think that getting back, if you had, you and I have had both experienced complex trauma. So, and it's at a young age. So when you have that kind of experience, uh, pretty much it, it, you, you, you're a part of your soul departs. Uh, safety becomes, you're actually often, I'll speak for myself, always on the lookout for danger.

• 1:17:35Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:17:36Gabby Bernstein?

  Always in the state of hyperarrestal, always, you know, knives out, fists up.

• 1:17:40Lewis Howes?

  Defense mode. Yeah.

• 1:17:42Gabby Bernstein?

  Who the, who's coming after me now? How do I have to fight back? Uh, and then you also just don't feel safe in your body. You don't trust life. Uh, as, as Peter Levine, the founder of Somatic Experiencing says, that trauma, the definition of trauma for him is the inability to be present.

• 1:18:00Lewis Howes?

  Mm hmm.

• 1:18:01Gabby Bernstein?

  So.

• 1:18:02Lewis Howes?

  Cause you're always on guard. You're on guard.

• 1:18:04Gabby Bernstein?

  On guard, on guard, always, always looking for danger.

• 1:18:09Gabby Bernstein?

  Because you're in a neural loop of fight and flight, you know, fight, flight, freeze, whatever it, you know, you're, you're frozen in shame. You're fighting for your life. You're just, it's, it's a, it's a battle. Trauma recovery is a journey. It requires devotional support, commitment, and a secure environment to do deep work. My prayer, you know, I want, I want, I want people to, to access some, we can put these resources in your show notes, but the, to go to somaticexperiencing.org, I believe it is, the IFSinstitute.org, seek emdri.org for EMDR treatment, tapping solution, beautiful work, you know, just, just really reaching, really opening up your

• 1:18:54Gabby Bernstein?

  heart, the, my friends at the David Lynch Foundation that teach transcendental meditation, they're now doing a lot of scholarships for people to do TM. It's just, there are resources, there are resources. And when you don't have the financial means, but you have a desire, the resources will be presented to you. You have to show up for yourself, you have to speak up for you in any form, right? But, but, but there, there are really good people in this world doing transformational work, committed and devoted to people who have the resources or who don't. And my prayer is that whoever needs them can find them because doing that kind of undoing work, right, the undoing of trauma, it really does

• 1:19:38Gabby Bernstein?

  require strong counsel, reliable counsel, a reliable support system.

• 1:19:45Lewis Howes?

  It's really hard to do on your own.

• 1:19:46Gabby Bernstein?

  Yeah, it's, it's really hard to do on your own. There's a lot you can do on your own. There's a lot, you can listen to the books, you can do the, the breath work, you can do the, the tapping, you can, there's so many beautiful tools that you can practice and apply for yourself. You can read the books to understand, even just understanding what happens to you. This is what my whole next book is about, is, is all about my trauma journey and recovery. And in it, I give such great resources of what I've used and what I've done to get to where I am right now in this steadiness. But, but even just reading a book like that, or any other book about trauma, you can say, oh my God, I'm not alone. Like, like that, that in itself is, is a form of recovery and relief. But, but it, it's

• 1:20:31Gabby Bernstein?

  a journey and it requires support.

• 1:20:35Gabby Bernstein?

  Particularly if it's trauma with a big T, right? So sexual abuse, or violence, or being in an addictive household.

• 1:20:42Lewis Howes?

  Abandoned man, or whatever.

• 1:20:43Gabby Bernstein?

  Yes, rape, you know, it's, it's, it's, um, requires a lot.

• 1:20:48Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:20:49Gabby Bernstein?

  But it's worth it, my friends.

• 1:20:51Lewis Howes?

  So worth it. What is, uh, wow. So that's the thing you would have said to yourself as a, as a child, that you are safe.

• 1:20:59Gabby Bernstein?

  You're safe and you're loved and you're cared for. And the reason I would be able to say that now is because my self, my adult resource self can now care for, love and support her.

• 1:21:11Lewis Howes?

  And you didn't feel like you had.

• 1:21:12Gabby Bernstein?

  I'm not relying on anybody else outside of me. There's plenty of people who love me and care for me as well, but I rely on self, self energy.

• 1:21:19Lewis Howes?

  And do you feel like?

• 1:21:20Gabby Bernstein?

  And that's different than saying like, oh, I'm so self-reliant. I can take care of myself all the time. It's a different, different way of referring to that. It's knowing that there is an adult resource compassionate, loving, caring, guided part of who I am that can take care of those activated parts when they get activated, can lovingly and compassionately guide them to safety, can give them what they need, can meditate with them, can take them for a walk, can, can ask for what they need, can speak up on their behalf. That's what I'm talking about.

• 1:21:51Lewis Howes?

  Why do you feel like you weren't able to tap into that until a year ago? And what was the, the catalyst for you finally saying, I feel safe?

• 1:22:00Gabby Bernstein?

  Okay. So when I last was on your show, I was early in recovery from postpartum depression and anxiety.

• 1:22:07Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:22:08Gabby Bernstein?

  Which was the scariest experience of my life, but it was the greatest blessing because it was like putting, it was like it blasted me open to get on a faster track of healing.

• 1:22:21Gabby Bernstein?

  Because I was living for decades with an anxiety disorder that was not diagnosed.

• 1:22:27Gabby Bernstein?

  And I was doing a really decent job of just keeping it down through meditation, yoga, just like, you know, push it down, push it like, and then burst out and then bring it down and burst out. And so I was using, you know, sometimes what I realized actually in this year is how much I was over spiritualizing without realizing it because sometimes we get, you know, we get high on our own supply to get out of those low vibe states. So I was using my spiritual practice to get up here and, and instead of like, and that's what I had to do then. That was perfect. That was exactly what I had to do then. There's nothing wrong with that. But now, when I, when I was diagnosed with postpartum depression and anxiety, I had a life-changing opportunity to be blessed with

• 1:23:08Gabby Bernstein?

  medication. And I would never in a million years have gotten on an SSRI. Here I was, you know, brought up homeopathic, I told you this, never took a prescription. I was very brainwashed by the wellness world of, and I, it's a big word, but it is a little bit important for me to say this, that I was shamed into thinking that that would be a terrible thing to be on a medication.

• 1:23:36Lewis Howes?

  You took antidepressants, right?

• 1:23:38Gabby Bernstein?

  Yes.

• 1:23:38Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:23:39Gabby Bernstein?

  Because I was in this space that was so like, take ashwagandha, take melatonin or L-theanine and like, you know, meditate and like, everything can be organic and you don't have to, you can, you can do a water fast and you can drink your, you can drink your juice out of it. Like, no, you can't when you're having a biochemical condition, you can't. And so I actually lost five months of my life because I was filled with shame about admitting that I actually needed that kind of support. And I'm really grateful that I, that I was blessed with a really low bottom, a suicidal ideation bottom that led my therapist to intervene and say, we have to get her psychiatric support.

• 1:24:23Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 1:24:24Gabby Bernstein?

  And you know, Louis, one of the things that my shrink said to me when, before I got on the meds, and I was so resistant to the meds because I was still stuck in that belief system. She said, the medication is going to give you a safer baseline so that you can do deeper work.

• 1:24:38Lewis Howes?

  Exactly.

• 1:24:40Gabby Bernstein?

  That was a case for me.

• 1:24:41Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, it's interesting. I grew up in a, I grew up in a, a practice in religion called Christian Science, which was all based on faith and spiritual healing, spiritual truth. And, and not relying on medication to heal the spirit, the spiritual.

• 1:25:00Lewis Howes?

  But my grandfather, who was actually the headmaster of a, a Christian Science school, later in his life, told me that, you know, Christian Science also stands for common sense. And you need to have common sense when your mind is under attack, when you don't have the ability to, to calm the mind, to calm the body, to allow it to heal itself in the way that the body naturally does, and has the power to do. And, uh, you know, because there's been miraculous healings all the time that happen spiritually or through organic practices. But when the mind or the body is under attack and you aren't able to, uh, to, to get yourself out of it, spiritually, go to the doctor, take medicine, get the bone healed, you know,

• 1:25:44Lewis Howes?

  do the surgery, whatever you gotta do to get yourself back to a place where you can have peace and calm and not, and, and holding shame around it is not going to help you heal. And you, you've got to accept that, uh, and otherwise holding, holding shame around it while you're taking medicine, it's probably not going to work, you know?

• 1:26:01Gabby Bernstein?

  It won't work. It won't work. What you're saying is exactly what I believe, which is, I believe and have been taught by my medium mentors and my spiritual communities, and have, have my own belief system, that there is spirit in everything. There, God is in the medication. God is in that therapist that intervenes. God was in my friend that day when I called him and said, I know you're, you're a really great psychiatrist. Help me find a, a psychiatrist who specializes in postpartum depression. Within an hour being on that call, the next day seeing her with a diagnosis, with the medication in my hand. There's Love and God in all of that.

• 1:26:44Gabby Bernstein?

  And then when I would take that medication, I pray on it. I would say, you know, thank you for, for, for, for giving me freedom.

• 1:26:51Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:26:52Gabby Bernstein?

  And but the question is, it's, it's like, God is in all these, in, in all doctors and surgeries and, and medication. But then the real question is, when you're given that baseline of safety, or you're given that relief because you've had that surgery, well, what are you going to do with it now?

• 1:27:08Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 1:27:08Gabby Bernstein?

  What are you going to do to continue to be in the development of healing the root cause condition that brought you to this place in the first place?

• 1:27:16Lewis Howes?

  Right. Because something, whether it be a thought, a belief, the actions you took consistently got you in a place of pain, or a challenge that you're faced with. So we've got to change that action moving forward, or that thought or that belief. Or get out of that environment, or get out of that environment, or that relationship that's causing us pain, or whatever.

• 1:27:34Gabby Bernstein?

  So many of our physical conditions are somatic, or somatic experiences. They're, they're, they're psychosomatic conditions, right? So our back pain isn't necessarily our back pain. It's our rage from our childhood.

• 1:27:47Gabby Bernstein?

  So.

• 1:27:48Lewis Howes?

  That's why my lower back hurt for so many years.

• 1:27:50Gabby Bernstein?

  Let me tell, a hundred percent. Gastrointestinal issues is a great example. I always had GI issues. You've seen me, you know, at like a hundred pounds. You've seen me really ill. And that, you know, that, gee, those GI issues were all PTSD symptoms.

• 1:28:07Lewis Howes?

  What would you, you're forty-one, forty-two?

• 1:28:10Gabby Bernstein?

  Forty-one. Almost forty-two. Well, forty-one.

• 1:28:12Lewis Howes?

  Forty-one. You, um, Matthew McConaughey gave a great speech at the Oscars, talking about how he's always chasing his hero, which is himself, ten years away from now.

• 1:28:23Lewis Howes?

  Like you'd imagine you're fifty-one. What, what would fifty-one year young Gabby say to you right now? That you need to hear right now, to support you for the next decade?

• 1:28:38Gabby Bernstein?

  Sorry, it's like a very emotional question.

• 1:28:42Gabby Bernstein?

  She would just say, I'm so proud of you for your commitment to people.

• 1:28:50Gabby Bernstein?

  I'm so proud of you for your service to others. I'm so, I'm so proud of you for the impact that you're making in individuals' lives.

• 1:29:02Lewis Howes?

  It's pretty beautiful.

• 1:29:05Gabby Bernstein?

  Thank you for asking that question. That was such a beautiful, physical feeling I just had of just

• 1:29:13Gabby Bernstein?

  seeing myself at 51 and looking at myself now and just really being proud.

• 1:29:18Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, you're welcome. It always makes me emotional thinking about my childhood self. I've got a photo on my phone right now. My therapist asked me to find a photo of myself. Let me see if I can pull it up.

• 1:29:34Gabby Bernstein?

  Little Louis.

• 1:29:35Lewis Howes?

  Little Louis. I don't know if you can see it that well.

• 1:29:38Gabby Bernstein?

  Oh my God, little, little, little Louis, LL. He's so cute.

• 1:29:42Lewis Howes?

  Awkward, like no teeth, like messed up hair, big ear, big ears, all that stuff.

• 1:29:46Gabby Bernstein?

  That's what you see. I see a cute little man. Oh my God.

• 1:29:49Lewis Howes?

  And I'm not even sure how old I was here, probably like six or seven or something.

• 1:29:54Lewis Howes?

  And I've just been continually, even though I've done a lot of work on myself for the last eight years, since I opened up about sexual trauma. There's, there's, there's more, there's more that just keeps getting uncovered in different environments and different seasons of my life. And so every moment that I take my phone, I'm reminded to look at myself when I say, what do I need to say to myself? At, at six or seven, or however old I was there, what did he need to hear? What did he need to feel from, you know, for me? And, and what am I proud of, of myself? And so every, you know, many moments throughout the day, I'm practicing like what I'm proud of from my younger self. And I, and I keep thinking of like, what will I be proud of in 10 years? And what do I need to hear now?

• 1:30:37Gabby Bernstein?

  Yeah. What would you say to yourself?

• 1:30:41Gabby Bernstein?

  At 40 something, I don't even know. You're, what are you, 30 something?

• 1:30:43Lewis Howes?

  38, 38, yeah. So I would say 48, I would say, I'd probably say similar to what you were saying, that I'm really proud of the work you're doing. I'm proud of the, the healing you're going through. I'm proud of the, the way you show up for, in service to other people. I'm proud of you surrounding yourself with people that, that support you in becoming better and getting out of your ego. And, and I'm proud of you for. Uh, using yourself to the best of the abilities to make a difference in in any way that you can. Cause I think that's what that's, that's what I feel most called to do and how I feel most the best about myself. When I use the tools that I have, continue to develop them in service of other people, just like you said.

• 1:31:27Lewis Howes?

  So I would say also, um, let go. I would say to myself now, like, let go of whatever pain or frustration or suffering you're going through. Like, let it go, surrender and know that it's all gonna be okay. I think when I think about the, uh, uh, Bronnie Ware, is that her name? I think, uh, I think that's her name, the, the five regrets of the dying.

• 1:31:55Gabby Bernstein?

  Hmm.

• 1:31:55Lewis Howes?

  Um, she talks about, you know, when people on their deathbed, they're, they're reflecting a lot in their, in their past. And people hold on to too many things and they, they, they suffer without needing to suffer. And at the end of the day, they're like, man, I wish I didn't hold on to these things. I wish I, I wish I let myself be happier and not suffer as much. And I think we have the capabilities to do that right now. We don't have to wait until we're dying.

• 1:32:24Gabby Bernstein?

  Totally.

• 1:32:25Lewis Howes?

  So that's what I would say to myself.

• 1:32:27Gabby Bernstein?

  Beautiful.

• 1:32:28Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:32:29Gabby Bernstein?

  Beautiful.

• 1:32:30Lewis Howes?

  But I think I'm, I'm always reminded to, what does my seven year old need to hear? What did he need to hear? And continuing to bridge the gap from, I guess, eight to thirty eight and, and connect it. So it's like, okay, I feel it right now and I'm gonna feel it now when I'm older too. So.

• 1:32:52Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:32:53Gabby Bernstein?

  Take care of him in the moment. He's still around.

• 1:32:55Lewis Howes?

  Take care of him. Yeah. The only child is still here. I love that, uh, image from.

• 1:33:01Lewis Howes?

  Burning Man. Have you seen that?

• 1:33:03Gabby Bernstein?

  Oh, my God. Right?

• 1:33:05Lewis Howes?

  I don't know if you posted this recently.

• 1:33:06Gabby Bernstein?

  I posted it after Jason Zasolva posted.

• 1:33:09Lewis Howes?

  Yes, yes, yes.

• 1:33:10Gabby Bernstein?

  Caged adults back to back with their heads down and their shoulders hunched.

• 1:33:16Lewis Howes?

  Like kneeling like this, like hiding, yeah.

• 1:33:18Gabby Bernstein?

  Shame position, hiding. And then there was two small children, you could see like almost wooden children.

• 1:33:25Lewis Howes?

  Reaching out, touching each other, trying to touch each other.

• 1:33:27Gabby Bernstein?

  Touching each other. So these adult parts, right, these exiled parts were shamed out of, you know, or these like, you know, scared, shameful adults. And then these two children, inner children.

• 1:33:39Lewis Howes?

  Like hug me.

• 1:33:40Gabby Bernstein?

  Trying to connect. That was literally one of the most, I have to find out who that artist was. I want to get a photograph of that and put it in my office. Like, it was,

• 1:33:51Gabby Bernstein?

  oh, God, it's one of the, it was just, and it was really interesting. It was like just after my husband and I had done some really big therapeutic work together. And I was like, I sent it to him. I was like,

• 1:33:59Lewis Howes?

  This is us. This is us right now.

• 1:34:02Gabby Bernstein?

  Oh, my God. Yeah, we're just little wounded kids, all of us, walking around, you know? We've got to, we have to, our adults have to care for those little babies.

• 1:34:12Lewis Howes?

  That's it. What is the, uh, what is the thing you're most proud of in your life right now that most people don't know about?

• 1:34:20Gabby Bernstein?

  Uh, well, they're gonna know about it now, thanks to you. I am proud, man, of this little Instagram show that I started doing during COVID that was just, just because I had to show up in a new way. The stage was taken away. I had to find a new stage. So I started to hit Instagram every Wednesday, where I would bring randomly, people on randomly from all over the world and dear Gabby them. I would give them my advice. I would give them counsel. I would give them support. But most importantly, I would help them see that they are not alone. And it became a movement, truly, a community of people that continue to come out every week to support each other.

• 1:35:04Gabby Bernstein?

  And I began to record these Dear Gabby's and I've turned it into a podcast. It's coming out, it's out now as we record, as this is out. And it's without a shadow of a doubt, one of the things I am most deeply proud of that I, that I've ever created. Because what it means to me is so much more than just this fun expression of my art, because that is my art to serve and to support and to speak extemporaneously about personal growth and spiritual practices. But it's so much more, it's, it's a place to talk about the unspoken shame that we often are not given permission to give voice to.

• 1:35:44Gabby Bernstein?

  It's a place to normalize the horrific experiences that we may all have suffered from in different ways to address our human condition with ease and connection and freedom and fearlessness. And, and it's my opportunity, like I said, most importantly, to not, it's not necessarily just about the advice I give, though that's, you know, I've got, I've written nine self-help books. I've got plenty of tips and tools I can throw at people and there's a lot of love in all that. But the most valuable part of what this show offers people is this great sense of awareness

• 1:36:26Gabby Bernstein?

  that we're all suffering, we're all in this together, that no matter what's happened to us, we can survive and we're not alone.

• 1:36:34Lewis Howes?

  That's cool. I'm excited for you. Finally, you finally launched the podcast. It's out called Dear Gabby. People need to subscribe to it right now. And it's going to help people really overcome a lot of stuff that we've been talking about today. So if you want more of Gabby, make sure you go subscribe to it over on Apple and Spotify and everywhere. Leave this in your podcast and, and let her know what you think about it. Send her a message, send her a DM over on Instagram, Gabby Bernstein. Or Twitter, Facebook, Gabby Bernstein as well. And I'm excited for the journey for you. I know we've been trying to get you on a podcast for years now, but you're finally here. So it's exciting.

• 1:37:09Gabby Bernstein?

  Well, I said to you before the show, I was saying how it found me. You were like, why didn't you do it before? I was like, well, because there was a lot of like, like logical logistical reasons that I thought were the reason. But the real reason was that the, the mission of the show hadn't found me.

• 1:37:25Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:37:25Gabby Bernstein?

  The delivery of the content hadn't found me yet. And what's so unique about this show is that it is a call in show where people join me on Zoom. And I, I, I will dear Gabby them. I, you can hit me with any question. People come from all over the world and I'm not afraid to, to respond to anything. A recent show we recorded, and I'm telling you Louis, this is no accident, back to back to back, three women in a row. The first one came on talking about incest. The second one came on talking about medication, like not wanting, being afraid to take her medication because she has a biochemical condition. And the third one came on talking about how she was abused and now having this sort of replicated experience in her romantic relationship with some domestic violence. Boom, boom, boom.

• 1:38:10Gabby Bernstein?

  Gave them all some grounded advice, but the most important thing I did was to hold them and see them.

• 1:38:19Gabby Bernstein?

  And then in the experience of someone being seen, the listener borrows the benefit because they have had their own shameful experience that they've tucked away and ignored and, and, and anesthetized. But to be able to recognize, oh, wait, that person can be seen in that? So can I?

• 1:38:40Gabby Bernstein?

  That's the miracle of this show. It is, it's a, it's a gift to be able to do it.

• 1:38:44Lewis Howes?

  It's exciting. I'm excited for people to listen to it. They can get it. Dear Gabby, go check it out right now. I've got a couple of final questions for you. I've asked you these before, but I'd love to hear your thought on this season of life. This one's called the three truths. And I have your three truths up here, but if people want to hear what you said previously, we'll link up the other episode where they can hear those.

• 1:39:06Gabby Bernstein?

  Oh, cool.

• 1:39:07Lewis Howes?

  I'm curious what your three truths are now. So imagine it's your last day on earth and, and you have to take everything with you. All of your work, all of your writing, all your videos, your podcasts, everything that's got to go with you to the next place. But you get to leave behind three lessons that you've learned in your life that you want to share with people are what I call three truths. What would you say are those truths for you?

• 1:39:29Gabby Bernstein?

  You have an inner wisdom within yourself that can care for you and bring you back to safety. Number one, that you're not alone in this physical experience, that there is a spiritual presence around you, supporting you and guiding you at all times.

• 1:39:49Gabby Bernstein?

  Another truth, I think the third truth is that all humans are at their core good.

• 1:39:55Gabby Bernstein?

  Period.

• 1:39:58Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:39:59Gabby Bernstein?

  I bet those are very different than my last three truths.

• 1:40:01Lewis Howes?

  They're all different. So if they want to hear the other ones, they gotta go back.

• 1:40:05Gabby Bernstein?

  Dude, I wanna go back and listen to the other one. Send me the link. I gotta go back. Oh my God. Wow.

• 1:40:11Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, I got a, I've got one final question for you, but I want to make sure people go to your website, go subscribe to your newsletter, the podcast, social media, check all the stuff out that Gabby's doing. She's an incredible light and resource in the world for so many people, for healing, for abundance, for manifesting, for peace, all these things. So make sure you guys subscribe to my friend Gabby. And Gabby, I want to acknowledge you before I ask the final question for, for constantly showing up and being authentic to who you are. And I want to acknowledge you for being a practitioner of this personal growth world for over a decade, probably 15 years now, and being authentic in the fact that you didn't feel safe until

• 1:40:53Lewis Howes?

  a year ago. I think sometimes people think that when we are sharing this type of information that we've got things figured out when a lot of the times we don't. And that's why we're seeking this information and teaching it so we can figure it out better for ourselves and we can heal ourselves. So I acknowledge you for, for just being real and authentic about it and, and being open about everything that you're up to that might feel shameful or bad or whatever, but it's really powerful to see you constantly evolve and grow. And I'm just so grateful for you and our friendship and I love you very much. And I'm just proud to know you. So thanks for, for all you do.

• 1:41:32Gabby Bernstein?

  Right back at you.

• 1:41:35Lewis Howes?

  I appreciate it.

• 1:41:35Gabby Bernstein?

  Right back at you.

• 1:41:36Lewis Howes?

  I appreciate it.

• 1:41:36Gabby Bernstein?

  I echo everything you just said.

• 1:41:38Lewis Howes?

  I appreciate it. Final question for you Gabby is what's your definition of greatness?

• 1:41:47Gabby Bernstein?

  My definition of greatness.

• 1:41:55Gabby Bernstein?

  Greatness is being at ease and steady in the moment.

• 1:42:01Gabby Bernstein?

  That is the greatness, that is the, that is the greatest gift, the greatest expression energetically that we can give the world. It's being at ease in the present moment.

• 1:42:15Lewis Howes?

  Gabby Bernstein, appreciate you very much. Thanks for being here.

• 1:42:19Gabby Bernstein?

  Thank you, my love. Thank you.

• 1:42:21Lewis Howes?

  My friend, thank you so much for listening to this episode. If you enjoyed it, then make sure to share it. Spread the message of greatness and inspire someone else in your life today who would be inspired by this message. I'd love to hear your thoughts on what you enjoyed most about this. You can share your thoughts on the ratings and review section over on Apple Podcast and leave a review and just share what you enjoyed most about this interview with Gabby as I'm sure she would love to hear that as well. And if this is your first time here, then welcome. Make sure to subscribe to the School of Greatness over on Apple Podcasts and Spotify. And make sure to check out some of the incredible content that we have with some of the biggest guests in the world, right here on the School of Greatness.

• 1:43:00Lewis Howes?

  And if you like to be inspired every single week, then text the word PODCAST to 614-350-3960. You'll be added to our free inspirational text list where every week we send out messages for you to be inspired and continue to be motivated in your life towards your goals and dreams. Plus, we share some other surprises there as well. And I want to leave you with this quote from Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. Who said, "Take the first step in faith. You don't have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step." And I know there are so many of you, and you might be in a place where everything is flowing and growing effortlessly in your life. And you might be in a place where you've been afraid to take that first step on a big dream or a goal

• 1:43:42Lewis Howes?

  or a relationship or something in your life. And sometimes you've got to just be willing to take the first step. You've got to be willing to risk something, fear, humiliation, embarrassment, an uncomfortable conversation.

• 1:43:55Lewis Howes?

  Take that first step, it becomes so much easier to build momentum. And I want to see you succeed. I want to see you build momentum in your life. So please, keep taking action, keep showing up here every single week as we bring you some of the most incredible minds in the world to help you unlock your inner greatness. And I want to remind you, if no one's told you lately, that you are loved, you are worthy, and you matter. And you know what time it is? It's time to go out there and do something great.