Ep 596 - 4-Man Jamboree Slam (feat. Ian Fidance, Ehsan Ahmad, Tim Butterly)

Support the D. A. W. G. Z. @ patreon.com/MSsecretpod Support Tim @ https://www.patreon.com/timbutterly Dad Meat @ https://www.patreon.com/dadmeatpodcast Support Ian @ https://www.patreon.com/BeinIanpod Check out Ehsan's new special "TOO SOON" on Youtube now Go See Matt Live @ mattmccusker.com/dates Go See Shane Live @ shanemgillis.com Go See Tim Ian and Ehsan Live !!! yo0o00o0. We got a total jamboree for you guys this week. 3 bros at the podes. Ian had to sit because we only have 3 lol. It's a fun cast, support the bros. Watch their pods. Watch Ehsan's new spesh. Please enjoy. God Bless. This video is sponsored by BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com/MSSP Visit https://prizepicks.onelink.me/DRENCHED and use code DRENCHED and get $50 in lineups when you play your first $5 lineup! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Matt McCusker?

  Wow, wow, Wes.

• 0:01Speaker 01

  I should be able to, I should be allowed to smoke in here if I'm in this hot seat.

• 0:06Matt McCusker?

  No, I don't think you're, I, I would love for you to smoke, but I, I really don't think you're, we're allowed to with the building and all, because we're on their air system.

• 0:12Speaker 01

  No. He's sober.

• 0:15Matt McCusker?

  Allegedly.

• 0:18Speaker 01

  Excuse you?

• 0:19Matt McCusker?

  You're using coffee, I saw you.

• 0:21Speaker 01

  Coffee and cigarettes.

• 0:23Matt McCusker?

  That's a drug. That's two drugs. Two drugs, you're a poly substance user. Just give me the word, Josh, my, my engine's fucking hot right now. Eden Fidance, I know you feel like we're against you, we're not at all. Hey guys, welcome to the podcast, we have motherfucking Eden Fidance, Sonamod, Tim Butterley, join us for an absolute jamboree, if I gotta be honest. That's the way the seating worked out, dude. Your comics had to sit down for once, man, it's not a, you know.

• 0:48Speaker 01

  That's not the way the seating worked out then.

• 0:51Matt McCusker?

  Can I get you anything?

• 0:51Speaker 01

  This is an elaborate plan.

• 0:53Matt McCusker?

  You were the last one here. That's a good point.

• 0:54Speaker 01

  Do you need anything, can I get it for you?

• 0:57Speaker 01

  Is that a trick too?

• 0:58Matt McCusker?

  We're not tricking you, dude. It's all a bookboard.

• 1:00Speaker 01

  My hackles are up.

• 1:01Matt McCusker?

  You're so paranoid. The coffee's got you smoked.

• 1:03Speaker 01

  Why?

• 1:04Matt McCusker?

  Coffee's got you like Jesse from Breaking Bad right now. You're whacked, bro.

• 1:09Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, what's intimidating about this?

• 1:17Speaker 01

  I'm in between two normals and a gremlin. I don't know what's going on.

• 1:21Matt McCusker?

  That's that fucking chip on your shoulder everyone's talking about down here.

• 1:25Speaker 01

  What a great privilege it is to sit.

• 1:27Matt McCusker?

  Dude, we were just gonna do a podcast and I didn't know you were in town, you told me and I said, yeah, come join. I'm like, fuck, I don't have a.

• 1:32Speaker 01

  Thank you.

• 1:33Matt McCusker?

  Most comfortable configuration. My little brother did the same thing, he sat in a seat, he had a, he broke his foot, he sat in a seat, he was chilling, everyone had a good time.

• 1:38Speaker 01

  My ankle has been hurting.

• 1:40Matt McCusker?

  There you go.

• 1:40Speaker 01

  This is serendipitous.

• 1:41Matt McCusker?

  I'm sorry to hear that, but I mean, what a.

• 1:44Speaker 01

  This is very comfortable, the way this works. Yes. I just don't like being the center focus.

• 1:49Matt McCusker?

  You're, dude, you're not, that's crazy you'd even say that. My, look how big my fucking podium is, dude, I'm obviously the star.

• 1:54Speaker 01

  Yeah, but I feel like I'm on, I, I feel like I'm on trial and then there's a jury of blacks just judging me in the corner.

• 2:05Matt McCusker?

  That does sound like your nightmare.

• 2:08Matt McCusker?

  Judging by a jury of black people. You want me to turn the blacks around?

• 2:13Speaker 01

  Please.

• 2:14Matt McCusker?

  We're a little more liberal.

• 2:15Speaker 01

  I guess this really is a jury of my peers.

• 2:21Matt McCusker?

  I'm actually gonna turn my blacks around because.

• 2:26Matt McCusker?

  Sorry, mine's good. My black employees. You're my black employees.

• 2:33Matt McCusker?

  I gotta turn my black employees around.

• 2:36Speaker 01

  I liked it better when he was just blacks.

• 2:41Matt McCusker?

  Ian Fidance, how the hell you been? Son of a, Tim Butler, what you guys up to, man?

• 2:44Speaker 01

  Been good.

• 2:45Matt McCusker?

  You guys alright in these turbulent online climates? Are you guys, you guys alright?

• 2:49Speaker 01

  I'm off everything.

• 2:51Matt McCusker?

  Really?

• 2:51Speaker 01

  I know, I know, the only thing I do is Instagram. That's it.

• 2:54Matt McCusker?

  Okay.

• 2:55Speaker 01

  I don't go on Twitter, I don't go on anything else.

• 2:57Matt McCusker?

  Not going to the protest?

• 2:58Speaker 01

  Feels good. What?

• 2:59Matt McCusker?

  Not going to the protest live?

• 3:01Speaker 01

  No.

• 3:01Matt McCusker?

  What?

• 3:02Speaker 01

  Someone asked, they were like, can you share this thing about taking off work on Friday? And I was like, well, I, I would, but I'm playing Cap City.

• 3:13Matt McCusker?

  Also, what are they gonna go to their boss and be like, Ian Fidance told me I can take off work? So I could potentially get killed.

• 3:20Speaker 01

  Yeah, no, I'm, I'm okay.

• 3:22Matt McCusker?

  You know what I think they should do though? Here's the thing, like, you know, you don't know what the guy did. He could just be working at Walmart, which that's crazy. If we're chasing guys who work at Walmart.

• 3:30Speaker 01

  Did another thing happen? What are you talking about?

• 3:31Matt McCusker?

  There's been two. There's a lady in Minnesota and then there was the guy.

• 3:34Speaker 01

  Yeah, oh, the ICU nurse.

• 3:35Matt McCusker?

  As well, yeah.

• 3:36Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 3:36Matt McCusker?

  But it's like, what did the guy do they were chasing? Cause that's the big question. He could just be working at Walmart, which that's crazy.

• 3:43Speaker 01

  Wait, guy they were chasing? Who were they chasing?

• 3:45Matt McCusker?

  An immigrant, an illegal immigrant.

• 3:47Speaker 01

  And that's why the guy got involved?

• 3:50Matt McCusker?

  I think so. I think the ICE was out trying to like.

• 3:52Speaker 01

  They weren't trying to get one, they were trying to get a bunch.

• 3:55Matt McCusker?

  Okay, well, look.

• 3:58Matt McCusker?

  Oh, so you're saying you don't know which one?

• 4:00Speaker 01

  He was just at the thing, I, I really don't think that.

• 4:03Matt McCusker?

  Which immigrant I died for would be important.

• 4:05Speaker 01

  That's what I'm saying. Yeah, it's kinda like, you know how you can adopt someone for pennies a day?

• 4:10Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 4:10Speaker 01

  You should be able to like, like, know which immigrant you're standing up for.

• 4:14Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, which, which, which Somali?

• 4:17Speaker 02

  Um, keeping alive so I can back.

• 4:19Matt McCusker?

  Well, no, it's just crazy. Cause like, so I didn't know.

• 4:21Speaker 02

  How many see his early childcare certificate first?

• 4:23Matt McCusker?

  Where are they getting a bunch of immigrants at once?

• 4:25Speaker 01

  They're going into towns and knocking on doors and ripping people out of homes.

• 4:29Matt McCusker?

  Oh, I thought they're chasing them because they caught them doing illegal activity.

• 4:33Speaker 01

  No, they're not playing Benny Hill music.

• 4:38Matt McCusker?

  There's no fishnets involved at all?

• 4:40Speaker 01

  No, there shouldn't be.

• 4:43Matt McCusker?

  You know, they're doing, that's a big game.

• 4:44Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 4:45Matt McCusker?

  Matt, do you think the immigrants are just chilling in the street? Just sort of milling around?

• 4:49Speaker 02

  They're working or, or committing heinous crimes. It's one or the other.

• 4:52Speaker 01

  No, the amount of immigrants.

• 4:54Matt McCusker?

  I'm just going off the information.

• 4:56Speaker 01

  The amount of immigrants they've gotten that are committing heinous crimes is like very, very low.

• 5:01Matt McCusker?

  Really?

• 5:01Speaker 01

  What they're doing like, what they're doing is they're, they're capturing people, detaining them for a while and then going, all right, you're a good one. And then letting them go.

• 5:09Matt McCusker?

  Okay.

• 5:10Speaker 01

  They're like ripping them from homes and like cars.

• 5:14Speaker 02

  It's a great first draft idea for how to do it, I guess. I'm excited for V2. V2, I think we're really gonna knock.

• 5:21Matt McCusker?

  We're gonna be honed in. I think what they should do, cause that's my question. Like what did they do?

• 5:25Speaker 01

  This feels like a debate.

• 5:29Matt McCusker?

  My question is, and you know, I'm not, I'm literally, this isn't even political. It's more logistical. Like at least have what they did. When you're like the ice coming, they should have like a, like, you know, like they do like VIP lounges and clubs like Sparkler and to be like, this is the chart. That's the chart. That way you can read it and be like, oh, excuse me.

• 5:47Speaker 01

  What they did was, was just being illegal. Like that, what they did was just being illegal. It's not like they're like, you stole. So we're, we're capturing you. It's like you are illegal. You've been here for 30 years.

• 6:00Matt McCusker?

  Heard about you.

• 6:00Speaker 01

  And you didn't, yeah, we, we got you. That's like.

• 6:04Matt McCusker?

  The jig is up.

• 6:04Speaker 01

  The thing.

• 6:04Matt McCusker?

  I didn't know, I didn't know they're going multiple. I didn't, I thought they were just like chasing a guy.

• 6:08Speaker 01

  No.

• 6:08Speaker 02

  No, it's like, it's like a.

• 6:09Speaker 01

  No, it's like a raid. A huge raid with like an invasion of masked.

• 6:15Matt McCusker?

  They haven't got me yet.

• 6:16Speaker 01

  Thugs. Wow, that's because we're here. It's because you have an army of blacks protecting you.

• 6:23Speaker 01

  The impenetrable force of blacks.

• 6:27Speaker 02

  I would say after having me on, they might check you out a little more.

• 6:30Matt McCusker?

  How do these ladies know that they were like going and like capturing immigrants in mass?

• 6:36Speaker 02

  Because they're coming in like big groups.

• 6:37Speaker 01

  Yeah, they're like.

• 6:38Matt McCusker?

  And the lady, you're like there at your house, and then you go and you go, hey.

• 6:41Speaker 01

  Yeah, and like people are talking and they're like, you know, sharing information.

• 6:45Matt McCusker?

  I've been trying to keep informed, but the footage is so bad. It's so grainy.

• 6:48Speaker 01

  Well, now the thing is, this.

• 6:51Matt McCusker?

  I'm not kidding, man. I'm trying to inform an opinion.

• 6:53Speaker 02

  Right.

• 6:54Matt McCusker?

  And it's just like, everyone's like, oh, from this angle. I'm like, dude, I don't know who's even, I can't tell anything. So I'm just trying to get informed, honestly.

• 7:02Speaker 03

  Yeah, I'm going to X to jerk off and you're showing me these fucking videos of people dying. It's terrible.

• 7:06Matt McCusker?

  Come on, man. We're talking about, talking about people dying.

• 7:09Speaker 02

  It's the perfect chaser, by the way.

• 7:11Speaker 01

  What?

• 7:11Speaker 02

  After you know.

• 7:12Speaker 01

  Coming after watching the.

• 7:13Speaker 02

  Is like either a decapitation or a guy being executed in the streets.

• 7:17Speaker 01

  Dude, they should.

• 7:18Speaker 02

  Perfectly destroys the post nut like euphoria and gets you right back to being able to work.

• 7:24Speaker 01

  True. They should, they should do a thing where on like porno, the next video is like an informative news story. So that you get your nut off, but you're also informed.

• 7:34Speaker 02

  Yeah, but then you're going to be way too impressionable and they're going to be able to just put whatever they want in there. I would say make me digest the news first before I get my release.

• 7:43Speaker 01

  Oh, because you're saying if you come, you'll be more susceptible to be like, oh, immigrants are people.

• 7:49Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 7:49Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 7:54Matt McCusker?

  Yeah. Well, here's my thing though. If I was going to, you know, if I, it's like, if that's the case, you're like, they're my neighbors. I'm like, no, these are hardworking guys. Don't come and take them all out.

• 8:01Speaker 01

  That's.

• 8:01Matt McCusker?

  If I was a 40 year old white lady, do you think me showing up as that is going to really help? Or should I, me and my friends get together and work up some sort of like deception, you know, obstination?

• 8:11Speaker 01

  Like a home alone obstacle course for these guys?

• 8:14Matt McCusker?

  No, I'm saying like we all wear the gear. It's fucking Barrow, Poncho, mountain bike. Now there's 40 of us and they fucking, the ice sergeant goes.

• 8:25Matt McCusker?

  I like that Scooby Doo.

• 8:30Speaker 01

  We would have got these immigrants if it wasn't for these damn kids and 40 year olds.

• 8:35Matt McCusker?

  I haven't picked a side yet officially. I'm just thinking like, you know, how do you maximize? And right now I'm like, that would actually work rather than like, because if you're just a fucking old white lady.

• 8:43Speaker 01

  You haven't picked, picked a side yet?

• 8:45Matt McCusker?

  I haven't, I can't tell from the footage. I'm looking at the footage. I'm looking, I need all the angles.

• 8:49Speaker 01

  You need the footage? And I just.

• 8:53Matt McCusker?

  I want to look.

• 8:54Speaker 01

  The general information of what's going on.

• 8:58Speaker 01

  Oh, okay.

• 8:59Matt McCusker?

  I need to see all the angles. I've, I've seen 270 degrees so far.

• 9:07Matt McCusker?

  Until I reach 360.

• 9:09Speaker 01

  I'm out.

• 9:12Matt McCusker?

  No, it's generally bad to shoot American citizens, I would say.

• 9:14Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 9:15Matt McCusker?

  I don't want to start it up here.

• 9:19Speaker 01

  I'm glad we finally got you.

• 9:21Matt McCusker?

  Unless.

• 9:22Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 9:23Matt McCusker?

  You know, they committed, I need to see the crime.

• 9:27Matt McCusker?

  If they truly are, it depends on your news sources. I explicitly, I explicitly read the drug report.

• 9:32Speaker 01

  Yeah, but isn't that like what?

• 9:33Matt McCusker?

  So do I.

• 9:34Speaker 01

  I read judge report too.

• 9:36Matt McCusker?

  I don't read any news.

• 9:40Matt McCusker?

  We got him.

• 9:41Speaker 01

  I said too. I read a big news guy. Well, I don't know what the fuck is happening. I don't know what's going on.

• 9:49Matt McCusker?

  Old drug report.

• 9:52Matt McCusker?

  Trying to have an open minded conversation here. It's not going to work for the numbers. You pick a side, I pick a side, then we argue, alright?

• 9:59Speaker 01

  And my side is drugs no matter what. I love that little guy.

• 10:07Matt McCusker?

  Numbers are down.

• 10:11Matt McCusker?

  How you been otherwise?

• 10:14Matt McCusker?

  Can we even get into politics? That was my fault. I'm sorry, shit. Can we examine all the lights? We got a spotlight on him. I think that would be great. Just make him feel. More comfortable.

• 10:25Matt McCusker?

  I just turned this right into an iceberg. It won't happen again. We can start now.

• 10:29Speaker 01

  I'm just waiting for you to pull out and my next boy.

• 10:34Matt McCusker?

  No, it's a treat to have you, man. You look great.

• 10:36Speaker 01

  I'm great. Oh, thanks, man. Thank you.

• 10:38Matt McCusker?

  Butterly, how you doing, man? I'm chilling. I can tell, man. You got the glasses on. Is it working or is it too much? No, you're chilling. No, you're great. No, it's.

• 10:46Speaker 01

  It makes me wish I brought my sunglasses.

• 10:48Matt McCusker?

  Why? So you can be the second sunglasses guy?

• 10:51Speaker 01

  Crazy. So we could be in solidarity.

• 10:54Matt McCusker?

  So we could be Blues Brothers together?

• 10:55Speaker 01

  Cause you said you weren't sure if it's working and I'm saying it's working so well. You make me want to do it.

• 10:59Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, but then you completely redirected all the focus back to yourself, which makes me think that you're not uncomfortable in the hot seat and that you're actually kind of getting a sexual thrill from it.

• 11:08Speaker 01

  You put a lot of weird sex stuff on me and I think it's subconscious in your brain.

• 11:13Matt McCusker?

  Well, I think he's been, he's been putting a lot of weird sex stuff in the air this whole episode so far. Whoa, thank you. Never been a weird sex stuff guy.

• 11:23Speaker 01

  I've been.

• 11:23Matt McCusker?

  I think I have trashed the vibe. I'll take full responsibility.

• 11:26Speaker 01

  Can I be honest?

• 11:27Matt McCusker?

  Sure.

• 11:27Speaker 01

  I love the vibe.

• 11:30Matt McCusker?

  All right, man. You heard it. Don't change a single thing about it.

• 11:34Matt McCusker?

  Appreciate it. I was just fishing for a compliment.

• 11:36Speaker 01

  No, you're doing great.

• 11:39Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, man. So I don't know. What else is going on?

• 11:42Matt McCusker?

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• 12:24Matt McCusker?

  And hey, it's good to share with the new social feeds feature. You can share PrizePix with your friends and copy lineups from winners with a single click. Copy lineups you like or use them. As inspiration for your own picks, you can even follow prize picks partners like us and tail or fade our picks with just one click. Download the prize picks apps today and use code drenched to get $50 in lineups after you play your first $5 lineup. That's code drenched to get $50 in lineups after you play your first $5 lineup. Prize picks, it's good to be right. I don't know. You know what I, you know what I want to talk to you about actually and everybody got off coffee. I can't, I'm more of a, I'm the biggest advocate of no caffeine. I know it's not a popular opinion.

• 13:06Speaker 01

  Now, how long have you been off coffee?

• 13:08Matt McCusker?

  Uh, about a month, maybe.

• 13:11Speaker 01

  How do you, how did you feel initially?

• 13:13Matt McCusker?

  Awful, awful, so bad. I've looked, I've looked into the, but here's the thing though, coffee, apparently, and again, everyone's different. I'm real sensitive to caffeine. Caffeine, there's, it's all anecdotal, destroys or severely inhibits, um, what's it called? Divergent thinking. So like creative thinking, convergent thinking is great. If you want to focus on a task and get it done, it'll get you from A to B. But if you want to like subconsciously kind of like pull from like a bunch of weird stuff in your brain and just create a brand new idea. I swear to God, dude, I think, and I, I felt this personally. I was like, dude, I'm not coming up with any ideas. Got off the juice. I feel so much better. Looked it up. A ton of people said that. Crushes your creativity. Slave use.

• 13:54Speaker 01

  Who said this?

• 13:55Matt McCusker?

  It's online.

• 13:56Speaker 01

  Like online forums?

• 13:57Matt McCusker?

  It's anecdotal. And then they did a coffee, coffee, whatever. Some company did a study.

• 14:01Speaker 01

  I need to see all the angles.

• 14:02Matt McCusker?

  No, you.

• 14:05Matt McCusker?

  What is, what is the drug report say about caffeine? That's, I think that's the most important thing that now. It's gotta be Patriot Coffee. Yeah. But no, I, dude, I swear to God though, like I was like, I just felt like dead. And then I like went off it. I have way more energy. It's, I swear to God, I think coffee is a psyop. Coffee's a total psyop.

• 14:24Speaker 01

  Were you like super irritable when you got off?

• 14:26Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, I was fucking so mad.

• 14:27Speaker 01

  For how long?

• 14:28Matt McCusker?

  Super mean for like a couple of days. It was all good. But I was like fucked up the first day. But then I looked up the study and they were like, cause apparently there's enough anecdotal evidence where they did a study to prove that it doesn't mess with like, you know, whatever, however, your brain does creative stuff. And they were like, nope, we gave people a single dose of caffeine. They're fine. It's like, dude, that's the biggest bullshit. Like your coffee, like I don't dream when I'm when I have caffeine.

• 14:50Speaker 01

  I do.

• 14:51Matt McCusker?

  Do you? Do you have vivid dreams?

• 14:52Speaker 01

  Mm hmm.

• 14:53Matt McCusker?

  Well, you might be not as sensitive. That's the thing. Um.

• 14:55Speaker 01

  I think I've desensitized myself with how much coffee I drink.

• 14:59Matt McCusker?

  Right.

• 15:00Speaker 01

  You know, maybe I don't know. I mean,

• 15:02Matt McCusker?

  Could be.

• 15:02Speaker 01

  I I could drink this and be able to go to bed. Really?

• 15:06Matt McCusker?

  That's crazy. Have you always been like that?

• 15:09Speaker 01

  I've always been like a night owl and I've always like stayed up super late and then I'll I sleep in shifts and then I'll take like a nap during the day and the coffee just helps me to like jog everything loose. I was on so many more cups, but now I'm maybe on like two cups a day, but at one point I was on like five or six. And I've like cut back to where I have one in the morning, then one like in the evening.

• 15:33Matt McCusker?

  Dang, that's crazy.

• 15:34Speaker 01

  Yeah. But I carry I carry a coffee with me all day.

• 15:38Matt McCusker?

  I've noticed that.

• 15:39Speaker 01

  And I do like sips.

• 15:40Matt McCusker?

  I was worried.

• 15:41Speaker 01

  So I don't drink an entire thing. The entire thing lasts me like throughout the day. You know what I mean?

• 15:46Matt McCusker?

  So it's like a security blanket almost?

• 15:48Speaker 01

  Kinda.

• 15:49Matt McCusker?

  It's a binky.

• 15:49Speaker 01

  It's a binky.

• 15:51Matt McCusker?

  I should do the same thing. I would keep one ready at all times and just because it's again, everyone's dead. The whole thing I would say is that like it depends how sensitive you are to caffeine.

• 15:58Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 15:58Matt McCusker?

  Because if I have caffeine at like noon, I'm up till midnight.

• 16:01Speaker 01

  Well, I'm not slugging one. I'm I'm like sipping throughout the day.

• 16:04Matt McCusker?

  Got you.

• 16:05Speaker 01

  You know what I mean?

• 16:05Matt McCusker?

  Got you.

• 16:06Speaker 01

  So I don't know what the effects of that are. I don't really find any like crazy like um.

• 16:12Matt McCusker?

  You think your divergent thinking is totally fine?

• 16:14Speaker 01

  I think I am divergent thinking good.

• 16:16Speaker 03

  I was gonna say ironically, like when I every day I wake up, go to a coffee shop and write and I get a lot done.

• 16:23Matt McCusker?

  Tony, imagine if you were disconnected though from the slave juice.

• 16:26Speaker 01

  Imagine that.

• 16:28Speaker 03

  Maybe the slave juice is what I need, you know?

• 16:30Speaker 02

  I'm excited for Matt to find the perfect thing to deprive yourself of. And then as soon as the results are in, I'm going to eliminate that from my life.

• 16:37Matt McCusker?

  What do you mean?

• 16:38Speaker 02

  Uh, I don't know. I thought about doing the semen retention thing for a while.

• 16:42Matt McCusker?

  That's a dead end.

• 16:43Speaker 02

  I've. Thanks for running.

• 16:45Speaker 03

  Thank God. It's all I needed to hear. Back on porn, baby.

• 16:50Matt McCusker?

  You can't not come. Turns out.

• 16:52Speaker 01

  Well, it's you have to.

• 16:54Speaker 03

  That's how you shoot up a place.

• 16:56Speaker 01

  Physiologically like for your body, because if you if you get too backed up, it can you can get epididymitis. So I've had chronic epididymitis.

• 17:04Matt McCusker?

  Sean, were you not coming when you had?

• 17:05Speaker 01

  And when you when you come, it like cleans out your pipes.

• 17:08Matt McCusker?

  Hold on. How'd you get epididymitis?

• 17:11Speaker 01

  He was coming all the time. Really? Were you edged? Uh, no, I, I got, I, I've had a lot of ball problems my entire life. Yeah, yeah, I had a testicular torsion. Was it twisted? Yeah, the tissue went around it and I almost lost it, so I had to have surgery and ever since then I've had like chronic. Not issues. It's like I have to get shots in my spine every once in a while because of my epididymitis.

• 17:37Speaker 02

  You have to get back shots for your balls?

• 17:41Speaker 02

  That's so fucked up.

• 17:44Speaker 01

  I'm here, doctor.

• 17:47Speaker 01

  I'm not a licensed professional, I don't care.

• 17:50Matt McCusker?

  Ian, if it says you're in here for a headball, how's your spine related to your balls?

• 17:53Speaker 01

  Oh dude, everything is related to your spine. So everything is, so everything, like if you get a lower back injury, your nut can hurt because of the certain like wires that go from your spine and the different parts of your body. What's the shot they're giving you? Um, a, uh, like a steroid shot. In like a certain part of my spine. In like the ball wire in your spine that goes. You have baby balls? I had epididymitis so bad that it was so inflamed that like sometimes I couldn't walk and they were like, look, like if this doesn't work, we're gonna have to remove your epididymitis. Your, your epididymis. And I was like, well, that would suck. Yeah. That's like basically a irreversible, uh, vasectomy.

• 18:33Matt McCusker?

  That's like the carburetor for the fucking ball. Yeah.

• 18:35Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah. That is very important.

• 18:38Matt McCusker?

  That is a funny medical, uh, uh, condition. I have to be like, yeah, my balls are so big I can't walk.

• 18:44Matt McCusker?

  My balls are huge, man.

• 18:45Speaker 01

  I like my wheelbarrow at home, brother.

• 18:48Matt McCusker?

  I didn't read the article. My friend sent me an article about guys, I believe in Michigan, who were injecting their balls with something to make them gigantic. And they were just these gay guys that inject their balls, maybe, and they would just do deadlifts in like tight pants and just like a football, like it was insane. I think they died from that.

• 19:08Matt McCusker?

  Cause you can, you can dick max with, I think botox, if you shoot botox in your dick, you can dick max. I'm all, I'm looks max all the way right now.

• 19:15Speaker 01

  What's looks max?

• 19:16Matt McCusker?

  Dude, it's, you gotta watch Clavica or whatever.

• 19:19Speaker 01

  What's Clavica?

• 19:19Matt McCusker?

  Clavica, I don't know how to say his name.

• 19:21Speaker 01

  Clavica?

• 19:22Matt McCusker?

  Are you not familiar with the fucking Miami Avengers?

• 19:24Speaker 01

  Uh-uh.

• 19:25Matt McCusker?

  All I know about him-

• 19:26Speaker 01

  I'm so out of the loop on so many online things.

• 19:29Speaker 03

  All I know about him is that he, this is the first time I heard about him is he went to the club and they were playing Heil Hitler.

• 19:33Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 19:33Speaker 03

  And my, that's, that's what I know about that.

• 19:35Speaker 01

  I thought you were talking about me because you're pointing down. No, no, no. Good song when I'm alone, but.

• 19:42Matt McCusker?

  Dude, the Miami Avengers are under fire right now. It's been a tough time.

• 19:45Speaker 01

  Who are these guys?

• 19:46Matt McCusker?

  You know, you know Andrew Tate?

• 19:47Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 19:48Matt McCusker?

  Andrew Tate, Tristan, his brother.

• 19:50Speaker 01

  Mm-hmm.

• 19:51Matt McCusker?

  Dude, you don't know Andrew's brother? Come on, dude. Tristan. Him and Jay Waller are fucking boys.

• 19:55Speaker 01

  Who's Jay Waller?

• 19:57Speaker 01

  Dude, who are these people?

• 19:58Matt McCusker?

  It's just like, Tim, help me. It's like weird internet.

• 20:00Speaker 02

  This is like the neo-manosphere.

• 20:02Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, they're like manosphere guys, but it's Tristan, Tristan and Andrew Clavicular, who's a looks maxer guy, who like hits his jawline with a hammer to make it more pronounced.

• 20:12Matt McCusker?

  And, uh-

• 20:13Speaker 01

  He's doing like weighted mewing?

• 20:15Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 20:15Speaker 01

  Oh, God.

• 20:17Matt McCusker?

  Yeah. And, uh, fucking Fuentes, Nick Fuentes, all went out together. It was a cool night out, a couple of influencers went out. It was just some sick fucking bros out to a Miami nightclub.

• 20:27Speaker 01

  Perfect.

• 20:27Matt McCusker?

  And then they blasted Heil Hitler by, um, Kanye West.

• 20:31Speaker 01

  Uh-huh.

• 20:32Matt McCusker?

  And they got the whole, everyone got in trouble.

• 20:34Speaker 01

  For singing that song?

• 20:35Matt McCusker?

  Throwing each other under the bus. Yeah, it's a bad look to be in a nightclub in Miami and singing Heil Hitler.

• 20:40Speaker 01

  Yeah, well, yeah, fair, fair, fair.

• 20:44Speaker 01

  Alright, alright, I guess.

• 20:49Matt McCusker?

  So they got in trouble, but then they started throwing each other under the bus as like, who really put it on, who didn't like it, it was-

• 20:54Speaker 01

  Oh, you mean guys that smashed their jaws and, and, uh, talk the way they do wouldn't be loyal to each other? That's crazy. I don't believe it.

• 21:02Speaker 02

  I think the one guy was, the Clavicular was left sterile from, uh, the, uh, chemical usage. Like the, whatever fucking peptides are sterile.

• 21:09Matt McCusker?

  TRT will do it. If you're on TRT too long, you can, your balls, your sperm's-

• 21:14Speaker 01

  Yeah, but don't, if, if you start taking TRT, don't you have to be- On it for the rest of your life or else you like like hair products and stuff like don't

• 21:21Matt McCusker?

  I'm actually getting off testosterone.

• 21:22Speaker 01

  You're on it?

• 21:23Matt McCusker?

  Stepping down.

• 21:24Speaker 02

  No, even naturally, I'm just fucking walking off.

• 21:27Matt McCusker?

  Like holding receipts.

• 21:28Speaker 02

  It gets in your way, dude.

• 21:29Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, it starts like sending signals to your brain that you need to fucking nut and it's just like nah, I'm not about that shit.

• 21:34Speaker 01

  Really?

• 21:35Matt McCusker?

  Yeah. Well, your medical orders, you, so how much do you have to nut to keep your epididymis?

• 21:38Speaker 01

  It's, it's the, the shots have helped so much. So it's like not a issue. I have to be careful about if I like tie it off. Like if I'm having sex and I'm like, oh God, I'm gonna come, don't like that can

• 21:52Matt McCusker?

  You can't edge it.

• 21:53Speaker 01

  No.

• 21:54Matt McCusker?

  Yeah. You're never allowed to think about baseball.

• 21:57Speaker 01

  Bro, don't tell me to not think about baseball. I love the 93 Phillies.

• 22:04Matt McCusker?

  You gotta let it fly. You just gotta let it fly. Doctor's orders, gotta fly.

• 22:08Speaker 01

  But I haven't been, dude, new year, new me.

• 22:11Matt McCusker?

  Okay.

• 22:11Speaker 01

  No porn, have only jerked off maybe like three times, only to memories. And I am not doing that. So I guess maybe I'm unintentionally seeming retention.

• 22:23Matt McCusker?

  You're SR.

• 22:24Speaker 01

  Like, do you ever, do you ever unintentionally, um, uh, what's that called when you don't eat till certain hours?

• 22:30Matt McCusker?

  Fast.

• 22:31Speaker 01

  No, intermittent fasting. Do you ever unintentionally do that? Right?

• 22:35Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, I've done it. Yeah. I actually wake up and eat every morning early as hell, but I know what you're talking about.

• 22:38Speaker 01

  I can. I feel like I'll get sick if I like eat right away. Yeah.

• 22:41Matt McCusker?

  Nah, I eat for, I eat at like six thirty in the morning.

• 22:44Speaker 01

  What?

• 22:44Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, I crush like a lot of food right away.

• 22:46Speaker 01

  You have kids. That's some like dad stuff. Yeah, yeah. You gotta get the day started and all that. Yeah.

• 22:50Matt McCusker?

  I crush eggs first thing in the morning.

• 22:52Speaker 01

  Really?

• 22:52Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 22:53Speaker 01

  You look, uh.

• 22:54Matt McCusker?

  That dude, everyone, yeah, you know, thanks, appreciate that.

• 22:56Speaker 01

  Is it the eggs? This episode is brought to you by AG1. Dude, real quick, gotta tell you guys about this.

• 23:03Speaker 02

  I like this.

• 23:03Speaker 01

  I like that too. AG1, the healthy stuff I've been drinking recently. Still just one scoop, once a day, vitamins, minerals, probiotics. All this stuff my actual diet doesn't provide. Mix is great, doesn't taste like a fistfight. Packaged travel easily if you're on the road doing shows or just too lazy to measure anything out, which dude, come on. They also recently came out with AG1 Pro, the same foundation, but with creatine in one simple delicious drink. So if you're someone who trains a lot or wants to get more impact out of your stack, this one might be worth checking out.

• 23:40Matt McCusker?

  So hurry up and go to drink AG1.com slash secret pod and for a limited time only get a free immune support bundle including omega-3 fish oil and vitamin D3 plus K2 with your first subscription to AG1 next gen or AG1 pro that's drink AG1.com slash secret pod.

• 23:58Speaker 01

  Aren't you hot? Shouldn't you take that shirt off? Oh, sorry.

• 24:04Speaker 01

  Retention over.

• 24:08Speaker 03

  Someone's looking for a new memory to turn off.

• 24:11Speaker 01

  Is that what this is about? Naked memories.

• 24:20Matt McCusker?

  What prompted the fucking ass? What are your guys' New Year's resolutions?

• 24:24Speaker 03

  Oh, mine is just, mine is very simple. Mine's just to take more pictures.

• 24:28Matt McCusker?

  Take pics?

• 24:28Speaker 03

  Yeah, I never, I never.

• 24:30Matt McCusker?

  People are selfies.

• 24:31Speaker 03

  Just, just, just of my life.

• 24:33Speaker 01

  Ah, that's nice.

• 24:34Speaker 03

  I never take any pictures and I've done a lot of cool shit.

• 24:36Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 24:36Speaker 03

  Like, I wish I brought my, you had the cool glass. I have my meta AI glasses.

• 24:39Speaker 01

  Oh, I hate those.

• 24:40Speaker 03

  I wish I got one just to take a picture of this moment from this angle, but.

• 24:43Speaker 01

  I think those are evil. Just take your phone out and do it.

• 24:45Matt McCusker?

  Yes, you know what?

• 24:46Speaker 02

  I like the meta though. Meta's sick.

• 24:48Speaker 01

  Nah, I think it's evil. I think it's terrible.

• 24:51Speaker 02

  We're going to make content for RainBett.

• 24:52Speaker 01

  I.

• 24:56Speaker 03

  I'm trying to get that Calci sponsorship.

• 24:58Speaker 02

  What the fuck are you talking about, dude? You're about to cripple an entire industry.

• 25:03Speaker 01

  I think it's terrible. I think.

• 25:04Speaker 02

  How am I gonna film myself pretending to swing on an old man?

• 25:14Speaker 03

  The AI is bad though. I like asking questions. It's not good. It's.

• 25:17Speaker 01

  I've never used AI or ChatGPT.

• 25:19Speaker 02

  Really, he rules.

• 25:20Matt McCusker?

  I used it for my whole last special.

• 25:25Speaker 03

  Did you also use it to inform your opinions on ICE at the time?

• 25:30Matt McCusker?

  I literally do ask Grok, I'm like, what's up with the news? What's the most advantageous financial position? Like I can take financially, what will make you the most money?

• 25:38Speaker 02

  That's crazy.

• 25:39Speaker 01

  And that, that helps?

• 25:40Matt McCusker?

  Grok was like, use the angle. I was like, for sure.

• 25:44Speaker 02

  I want the straight source. What do the billionaires think of the news without the advertisers getting in the way?

• 25:49Matt McCusker?

  There you go.

• 25:50Speaker 02

  Give me the straight prop.

• 25:51Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 25:52Speaker 03

  So you've never used fucking GPT?

• 25:56Speaker 01

  And when I'm talking to friends, they're like, I don't know, ask ChatGPT. I'm like, no, I'm asking you. Like, that's what this is. We're supposed to talk.

• 26:03Speaker 02

  You don't talk to anybody who knows anything, though.

• 26:05Matt McCusker?

  I know.

• 26:06Speaker 02

  None of us do.

• 26:06Speaker 03

  I get what you're saying. It's, it's nice to be in a conversation and you're arguing and you're both wrong and you don't know it.

• 26:11Matt McCusker?

  No, I wouldn't.

• 26:11Speaker 01

  Yeah, like I was arguing with a friend and he just sent me a bunch of ChatGPT and I'm like, no, use your own thoughts. He's like, these are my thoughts, but ChatGPT makes it more organized.

• 26:19Speaker 03

  It ends the argument.

• 26:20Speaker 01

  No, you're an idiot.

• 26:21Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, I mean, I, I don't, I don't see the big deal about it. It's like Google. It's like being like, I'm not going to use Google. It's just super Google.

• 26:28Speaker 01

  Yeah, but you use Google and you can discern and like read different things and form your own opinions.

• 26:34Matt McCusker?

  Dude, how many Google searches do you actually click? You click two, maybe.

• 26:37Speaker 01

  No, I screenshot the first result.

• 26:42Matt McCusker?

  I put it in my database, which organizes and analyzes it.

• 26:46Speaker 01

  No, I just, I, I don't know. I, I don't like.

• 26:48Matt McCusker?

  I, I hear you. It's, it's, it would be sad to think that, like, I listen to, um, like music on YouTube for like background music. And I do get bummed out, like, is this fucking AI music?

• 26:56Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 26:56Matt McCusker?

  Just numbing out the AI. I kind of, I try to find videos of a dude playing the song.

• 27:00Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 27:00Matt McCusker?

  Cause it kind of pisses me off.

• 27:01Speaker 03

  But even that can be AI at this point.

• 27:03Matt McCusker?

  Fuck.

• 27:03Speaker 03

  Yeah. How do you know anything's right? Like, we're like this close to like not being able to put like.

• 27:07Speaker 01

  Yeah, dude, you should just use Spotify, a platform that doesn't give money to artists.

• 27:11Matt McCusker?

  True.

• 27:14Matt McCusker?

  Why would you do that, dude? Which is Spotify?

• 27:17Speaker 01

  Oh, shit. But it's convenient and eventually they will make money.

• 27:21Matt McCusker?

  Spotify gives money to artists. They give it to like five of them.

• 27:26Matt McCusker?

  They give it to five of us.

• 27:27Speaker 01

  Oh, I just got on Spotify. I have a, I have a travel show called Ian Do, An Odd Guy Doing Odd Jobs, and we're putting it on Spotify.

• 27:34Matt McCusker?

  I do. That's a fucking idea.

• 27:35Speaker 01

  TV show. Watch on Spotify. Spotify, you're great.

• 27:39Matt McCusker?

  Spotify has a good sense of humor. They're like Swedes, aren't they? I think they're Swedes. Do Swedes have good senses of humor? Dude, during- Tell me about the show, tell me about the show. I sold this and I was kinda pumped on this.

• 27:48Speaker 01

  Oh yeah, so all the towns I go and do stand up in, I find someone to teach me how to do their job and then I do their job. And it's called Ian Doin' Our Guy Doin' Our Jobs. The episode's coming out next week. I got my tattoo license in Wisconsin and I tattooed a guy. And then I also made pizza in Oklahoma City. I've like cut hair. I got tackled by a bunch of police like service training canines.

• 28:17Matt McCusker?

  Oh, I thought you were-

• 28:17Speaker 02

  Man, those dogs had a fucking blast, I bet. If I'm a dog and I get to attack people, I can't imagine a better target than him.

• 28:23Speaker 01

  They, no, they, they literally were like-

• 28:26Speaker 02

  Shitting on the-

• 28:29Speaker 01

  He really, he really bit down on you. It was like, yeah, no shit. I'm in pain.

• 28:33Speaker 02

  You're the most biteable man.

• 28:36Matt McCusker?

  That was a Malinois? This guy has huge balls.

• 28:40Matt McCusker?

  Damn, that's sick. You got to wear the suit?

• 28:42Speaker 01

  Yeah, it was cool.

• 28:42Matt McCusker?

  Did you get to like threaten one of them? Like you're gonna get them or they just-

• 28:44Speaker 01

  Oh, no, they had me run, but I said things like, uh, you'll never get me, coppers. They're like, I wanna talk to a white shirt.

• 28:52Speaker 01

  They tackled me and I didn't like it. They gave me the thinner suit, but they didn't tell me that.

• 28:58Matt McCusker?

  What?

• 28:58Speaker 01

  Yeah, so you feel it more.

• 29:00Speaker 02

  Damn, imagine going to your barber for a haircut and it's like, hey, just as a one time thing, this guy's gonna do it instead today. You're just like, fuck.

• 29:06Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah. I fucked this guy up. He walked out so lumpy. It was great.

• 29:13Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, I didn't even think about that. What was the tattoo?

• 29:15Speaker 01

  Uh, I tattooed that S symbol on this guy's leg. You know that symbol?

• 29:19Matt McCusker?

  I'm gonna die with sick. You're playing to my greatest weakness.

• 29:25Speaker 01

  Oh, and this weekend I'm gonna be a pit boss at Terry Black's and I'm gonna run security at the mothership. I'm gonna, I'm gonna do-

• 29:32Matt McCusker?

  I'm gonna go.

• 29:33Speaker 01

  I'm gonna do jujitsu with the Marines in the morning and then they're gonna put me in tactical gear.

• 29:36Speaker 02

  Broadcast that. There's gonna be a security labs for one night only this weekend. Liver King is chartering a jet right now.

• 29:46Matt McCusker?

  Does all men come in shirtless? And there's a chance.

• 29:48Speaker 01

  That's a possibility. We did pitch-

• 29:50Speaker 02

  Elephant graveyard is activated. This audience.

• 29:58Speaker 01

  They're gonna attack me like canines.

• 30:01Speaker 01

  But but we we're I I'm still waiting back and it will probably be no, but we're pitching to Rogan to have me be the chauffeur that takes the guests to a show, but I wear the outfit with the hat and I don't go in.

• 30:13Speaker 02

  Are you like a Serbian? It sounds like a Serbian terrorist plot.

• 30:17Speaker 03

  Also, the show where I give you his inner headquarters.

• 30:20Speaker 02

  And then next week, next week, I'm piloting a commercial flight from New York to LA.

• 30:25Speaker 01

  Do you guys know the Iceman? I just need to get close enough to surprise them. They'll be dead. It's great. New York is infiltrating Austin. Some of the guys of my travel show.

• 30:38Speaker 03

  Also, the chauffeur that people stay a block away from.

• 30:43Speaker 01

  I can't wait. My plan is going wonderfully.

• 30:48Speaker 02

  The Archduke Franz Ferdinand.

• 30:50Speaker 01

  No, but it's super fun. And it gives me stuff to do. Like, I was just in Connecticut and I went to this place called Hardinco and they are a like a jean and clothing company. Everything's handmade with like antique American machines and tools. And so I made my own jacket. It's like pretty cool.

• 31:08Speaker 03

  You really have a longing for the past. You're very.

• 31:11Speaker 01

  I love the past.

• 31:11Speaker 03

  Yeah, you're very, very steampunk.

• 31:13Speaker 01

  Yeah, I know. I don't like that.

• 31:15Speaker 03

  Is that steampunk where you're act you put like a tweed suit on like a that you seem like I'm not trying to be a dick. It seems like you love the past, like handmade.

• 31:22Speaker 01

  Yeah, I do.

• 31:23Speaker 03

  Stitching and shit. Well, he did call he did. He did call them the blacks over there. So I think he's definitely earning.

• 31:29Speaker 01

  He's definitely earning for the past.

• 31:32Speaker 01

  Better times, some would say. Those are actually the antique machines.

• 31:43Speaker 02

  Don't you dare come in my voice like that.

• 31:45Speaker 03

  My analog tools.

• 31:49Speaker 01

  This one's acting up, man.

• 31:51Speaker 03

  It's it's good. You weren't behind the auction podium when you're saying all this.

• 31:56Speaker 02

  So I couldn't give him one. I knew you'd abuse the podium.

• 32:02Speaker 01

  Austin, Austin is better than New York.

• 32:10Matt McCusker?

  That's our prize fighter right there. He's taking down Gomez.

• 32:12Speaker 01

  That's our boy.

• 32:13Matt McCusker?

  Two weeks, Lemaire versus Gomez.

• 32:15Speaker 01

  I can't wait.

• 32:16Matt McCusker?

  Taking him down.

• 32:17Speaker 01

  That's gonna be great.

• 32:18Speaker 02

  That'll be awesome. I'll come back.

• 32:20Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, the comedy, the inner-city comedy beat is so fucking, I love that stuff.

• 32:23Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah.

• 32:24Matt McCusker?

  I just love division.

• 32:25Speaker 01

  It's amazing. You do?

• 32:26Matt McCusker?

  I do.

• 32:27Speaker 01

  I like.

• 32:27Matt McCusker?

  I thrive on division.

• 32:28Speaker 01

  I like unification.

• 32:30Matt McCusker?

  Really?

• 32:30Speaker 01

  I love unity.

• 32:31Matt McCusker?

  Nah.

• 32:32Speaker 01

  Love getting along.

• 32:33Matt McCusker?

  Today's all about this hyper-division, bombarding people with information, titillating them, getting them freaked out. Getting them into the streets, making them clash. You don't like that? You don't like neighbors smashing each other with trashcan lids outside because of Facebook posts?

• 32:47Speaker 01

  It's fun to watch. It's, I'm not gonna lie, it's fun to watch.

• 32:50Speaker 02

  I'm gonna, I'm gonna show up and blow a whistle the whole time you guys are doing Lewis versus Lemaire. I'm gonna get myself shot.

• 32:59Speaker 02

  I could be defending Lemaire with my life.

• 33:03Speaker 03

  I'll show up in a mask and tactical gear.

• 33:06Speaker 01

  You're a rest Louis. I'm a citizen. I'm a citizen. Show me your papers, Louis.

• 33:13Matt McCusker?

  True. Someone's gonna bring a gun.

• 33:16Speaker 03

  We don't like New York comics around here.

• 33:21Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, it's embarrassing. Everyone's fighting each other right now.

• 33:23Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 33:24Matt McCusker?

  I'm with you. I'm unification for real. I'm just fucking around.

• 33:27Speaker 01

  Thank you.

• 33:28Matt McCusker?

  Well, yeah, let's take it to a question from a premium subscriber.

• 33:30Speaker 01

  Oh, cool.

• 33:33Matt McCusker?

  Let me see. Yeah, that's fine. You can do that one.

• 33:35Speaker 01

  Oh, boy.

• 33:36Matt McCusker?

  This is for, this is a perk we give to the Patreon.

• 33:38Speaker 01

  Oh, cool.

• 33:39Matt McCusker?

  You know, I figured since you plugged a bunch of shit, I might as well.

• 33:41Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah. No, I appreciate that. What do you guys have going on?

• 33:45Speaker 03

  I do. I have a special out called Too Soon.

• 33:48Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 33:48Speaker 03

  Check it out on YouTube.

• 33:49Speaker 02

  I'll be in Pittsburgh February 6th and 7th. Come do it. TimorWawi.com.

• 33:52Speaker 01

  Hell, yes.

• 33:53Matt McCusker?

  Message from the premium subscriber. It's, they do Q and A shit.

• 33:56Speaker 01

  Okay, read all of this?

• 33:58Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, man, it's a fucking.

• 33:59Speaker 01

  All right.

• 34:00Matt McCusker?

  Fucking three bucks.

• 34:01Speaker 01

  I'm a Hungarian immigrant with an eating disorder. Okay, let me do the accent. I am a Hungarian immigrant. Me so hungry.

• 34:09Speaker 03

  Is that Japanese?

• 34:11Speaker 01

  Laugh.

• 34:12Speaker 03

  No, that's one of the premiums. That's like a fucking shareholder, dude.

• 34:15Speaker 01

  Oh, I.

• 34:16Speaker 03

  He's a premium subscriber.

• 34:17Speaker 01

  You're a good guy. Spotify is great.

• 34:20Speaker 03

  It's not even Spotify.

• 34:21Speaker 01

  I'm a Hungarian.

• 34:22Speaker 03

  Multiple allegiances.

• 34:23Speaker 01

  I'm a Hungarian immigrant with an eating disorder. Oh, I came to this country 170 pounds, which is a good weight where I'm from, a strong weight of a man. But since getting here, the food has been very delicious. I eat and eat and eat. My mother tells me I am like the Kiss Gombok, which if you're not familiar is a popular figure from Hungarian mythology. In Hungary, it is common to store leftover pig parts in their intestines, making a sort of satchel for further eating. The Kiss Gombok is the pig intestine that comes alive, eating everything in its path, getting bigger and bigger as more of the village is consumed until a pig shepherd is also eaten, who slashes it from the inside of this trusty blade, freeing the village who dance and celebrating.

• 35:06Speaker 01

  Either way, I am now weighing 247 pounds. I sent shirtless picture to my mother to prove how well I am doing in America, and she calls me the Kiss Gombok, telling me she'd love to suck all my rich milky lips.

• 35:23Speaker 01

  It's the right.

• 35:26Speaker 03

  I'll tell you what, the semen retention is gonna be hard after this one. That is a porn.

• 35:31Speaker 01

  Oh, my God.

• 35:32Speaker 03

  Scenario if I've ever heard one.

• 35:33Speaker 01

  She tells me in jest that she wants to crawl inside my cavity and sit in my belly like I once did in hers, feeding for my American goodies like the parasite I once was. Only my mother is very old and she tells me she wants to die in my belly, for as the old Hungarian saying goes, better to be stillborn in America than to live a whole life in Hungary.

• 35:54Speaker 03

  Dude, that's our premium subscriber. I don't even know what the fucking question is.

• 36:01Speaker 03

  There's fucking piss me off.

• 36:02Speaker 01

  He just wants us to know that his mom wants to live in his belly. Shout out Dominic, Kansas.

• 36:08Speaker 03

  See, it is a Q and A, so he just gave us an A.

• 36:12Speaker 01

  Yeah. What way do you want to go? I want to die in my son's belly.

• 36:18Speaker 03

  My favorite part is when he goes, if you're not aware of the Kiss Gombok, we should have been like, now we can move on.

• 36:23Matt McCusker?

  They're weird. They're weird. I love them, you know, out here paying the bills.

• 36:26Speaker 01

  That was great.

• 36:27Matt McCusker?

  I know, these guys, they're funny.

• 36:29Speaker 01

  Do you ever do like a, um, instead of a question and answer, like a Patreon, like short story contest or something? Cause that would be fantastic.

• 36:37Matt McCusker?

  I thought, it sounds like a guy with a fucking problem.

• 36:41Matt McCusker?

  That could have been, that could have been, that was written really well.

• 36:43Speaker 01

  That's not, that's not real.

• 36:44Matt McCusker?

  You don't think that's real?

• 36:45Speaker 01

  That's a goof.

• 36:46Matt McCusker?

  But maybe they're fucking pulling the, you know, the wool over my eyes, but.

• 36:49Speaker 01

  Do you think that's real?

• 36:51Matt McCusker?

  Well, we could chat GPT it.

• 36:52Speaker 01

  No.

• 36:53Matt McCusker?

  And we could, we could. We'll go to another one.

• 36:57Speaker 02

  I was saying we could do a, we could see if it was written by chat GPT. That would be really damning.

• 37:02Speaker 03

  Yeah. Okay. Oh my God.

• 37:04Matt McCusker?

  Please just come on.

• 37:05Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 37:05Matt McCusker?

  For the subscribers.

• 37:07Speaker 03

  Thirty-five year old metal worker here. My brother's been having.

• 37:11Speaker 01

  Can I do your job?

• 37:14Speaker 03

  My brother's been having a real bad go with anxiety. I wish I could help him, but I've never gotten anxiety myself. At least not like he gets it. He can just be sitting there doing nothing and the next thing I know, he's all sweaty and freaking out. It's kind of embarrassing, especially if we're at a restaurant or something, but I've tried my best to understand so I can be there for him because after all, he is my brother. Recently, he has had an episode where I personally felt crossed the line. We were at my place watching football, me, my brother and my boys. I have three sons, two regular and one adopted.

• 37:42Speaker 03

  Two regular and one I don't love. And so, yeah, and so my brother starts his hyperventilating bullshit. And I yell at him to stop because he was freaking out my new son. He's a two-year-old Chinese kid that I literally just got a few days before, which is a, a whole other issue. And so I tried tough love on my brother and told him that if I started to have, if he started having one of his sweaty spaz attacks, I'd haul off on his ass thinking I'd give him something real to be afraid of, hoping it would cancel out any weird inner weakness shit he was displaying in front of my kids. And so we get into it. My brother starts crying, which triggered the fuck out of me. And so I started screaming at him, trying to tell him having anxiety as a man

• 38:24Speaker 03

  and not having been in an active war zone is extremely gay and pathetic. And he yells back saying it's not helping. So I shoved his ass down into the coffee table and he spilled some wine on the car. And now my wife is pissed. Also, I only paid four grand for the Chinese kid, which I thought was fine. Since I I've never adopted and didn't know at the prices. But one of my buddies recently told me that he had to cough up like forty grand. Do you think there's any chance this little fucker fell off the truck or something? If you catch my drift. Steve from Flint, Michigan. Now, Steve.

• 38:55Speaker 01

  That's a question.

• 38:55Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. Steve, your brother might be anxious because he's realized you've human trafficked the Chinese baby.

• 39:02Speaker 01

  That seems to be.

• 39:05Matt McCusker?

  Can you do a better job for real selecting the question? I'm just making an embarrassment of the program.

• 39:10Speaker 01

  Saying saying he had to cough up forty thousand dollars to get his kid is incredible.

• 39:17Matt McCusker?

  How much does adoption cost?

• 39:18Speaker 01

  A lot.

• 39:19Matt McCusker?

  Is it expensive?

• 39:20Speaker 01

  Yeah, and the process is so long.

• 39:23Speaker 03

  Four grand makes me think like, where did you get this kid? Like, did you go to some massage parlor and they're like, we have some awesome kids?

• 39:29Speaker 01

  That that thing is not real. That's like a fake thing. That's not.

• 39:33Matt McCusker?

  You think they're fucking pulling my chain?

• 39:34Speaker 01

  Yes, for sure.

• 39:35Matt McCusker?

  Motherfuckers.

• 39:37Speaker 01

  These are fake. They're trying to be funny guys to make you guys laugh.

• 39:40Matt McCusker?

  It pisses me off.

• 39:41Speaker 01

  They're nailing it though.

• 39:42Matt McCusker?

  You try to do something nice. Well, I don't know. I try to do something nice, you think, you know, so I'd like to offer some advice or whatever.

• 39:46Speaker 01

  Why not one more?

• 39:47Matt McCusker?

  I mean, I mean. You want the last one?

• 39:48Speaker 03

  Yeah. The misdirect from the anxiety to the the Chinese children makes me feel like this is a joke.

• 39:52Speaker 01

  Yeah, I wonder why this kid has anxiety. His brother's beating the shit out of him. Quick crime, Jose.

• 39:58Matt McCusker?

  I know. It does strike me as a little bit over the top, honestly.

• 40:01Speaker 01

  It's twenty five to forty grand.

• 40:03Matt McCusker?

  Twenty five to forty.

• 40:04Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 40:04Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 40:05Speaker 03

  Yeah, he got a he got a he got a knockoff Chinese child.

• 40:07Speaker 01

  It's a deal.

• 40:08Speaker 03

  He got a fake Chinese child.

• 40:11Speaker 01

  This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Let's get real for a second here. I found that comedy is a great way to discover more about yourself. Dude, I've learned. Speak on how comedy has helped you discover something about yourself or helped you grow as a person.

• 40:30Matt McCusker?

  Um, you know, there's just something about talking in front of people and uh it's really helped me kind of like grow my inner child or more specifically my pure Artenis, which is the forever child in Jungian terms. Uh, my shadow has been surely integrated. Uh, I mean, that goes without saying. And uh, other than that, um, yeah, I had a big, um, I had a big, I had a bit of an Oedipus complex that I've resolved through just like sick jokes and whatever. Guys, if there's one goal you should have getting into new, in this new year, it should be to feel better about yourself, to feel lighter. Plus, getting started is straightforward and simple. All you need is BetterHelp.

• 41:11Matt McCusker?

  Therapy can help you discover what obstacles you're facing and how to overcome them. BetterHelp has over 12 years of experience connecting people with the right therapist. They've served over 5 million people globally and judging by the glowing reviews, it works. BetterHelp makes it easy to get matched online with a qualified therapist. Sign up to get 10% off at betterhelp.com/mssp. That's better H E L P dot com slash M S S P. Hey guys, real quick, you can catch me on the road doing live standup comedy. I have an all new hour. It's been going pretty well. People love it. I love it. Everyone's having fun. Guys, I'll be in Las Vegas, Nevada, uh, the weekend of February 13th. And then on Valentine's Day is a big one. Leaving my family, guys, you know, everyone's pissed, but

• 41:54Matt McCusker?

  whatever, I'll do it for you guys. Paramount Theater, Denver, Colorado on Valentine's Day proper, uh, February 14th. I'll be there. So Las Vegas, that's a big one. I don't know what's up with Las Vegas. All these other tickets are selling great. Las Vegas is a last minute town, full of gamblers. Don't be the fucking ruined gambler and lose out on, you know, show's definitely gonna sell out, guys. Don't even think it's not, but right now the ticket sales are fucking poor. So please come to Las Vegas or I will, I'll still come even if it's like 10 people, I don't care. But so Las Vegas, 213, 214, uh, Denver, Colorado. Then I'll be in uh Boise, Idaho, Salt Lake City, Utah, Cleveland, Ohio, a bunch of other places. Get tickets at mattmccusker.com. Also, the day this comes out,

• 42:38Matt McCusker?

  It'll be Friday, the 31st, I believe, or 30th, it'll be the 30th, Friday the 30th. Alga, Alga nuts at Creek in the Cave. We're gonna do, I'm doing a show. Me and Tim Butterly are doing a show where we go through people's phones, look through their algorithm, project it on the screen. We all laugh. It's, it's a, it's a good time. So, that's it. Thank you.

• 42:57Speaker 02

  Uh, hey guys. I have two young daughters, two and five years old. They're obsessed with the movie Frozen, which I can't understand. Not that any of those movies are great, but Frozen is the worst of the worst, in my opinion, and the message is complete bullshit. Basically, you have two sisters, the parents both die, and the kids are left alone in a castle. The older one is essentially a moody bitch who moves out to an ice castle, symbolic of a one-bedroom apartment cat lady, after her younger sister, archetypal slut, hooks up with the first dude she sees, Prince Hans of the Southern Isle. And so the archetypal slut ends up attracting the archetypal dickhead, who just uses her, and so the whole thing goes on until Elsa, the older sister, froze the whole town, which I think is symbolic for a bitch-type lady's general presence,

• 43:41Speaker 02

  comes back to save Anna, but the slut sister somehow ends up frozen, symbolic of all women eventually just becoming mean to no matter what, and is brought back because of her own true love, not Kristoff's, who, in my opinion, is the movie's true hero, but they make him out to be some unnecessary side character, who just has to deal with the fact that Anna, this slut younger sister, has been ran through by Prince Hans, as if body count doesn't matter. And I know, she was technically only, uh, wait, and I know she was technically only once prince, but, uh, I think he got maybe typo'd here. And I know she was technically only once prince, but for a fairy tale,

• 44:23Speaker 02

  which typically only deal with virgins, one is kinda insane. Honestly, symbolic of the fact that she's been run through. One in a fairy tale equals 100 in real life. Frank in Manhattan.

• 44:34Speaker 01

  Well, I'm just, I'm just glad this guy's a father. I mean, what the fuck?

• 44:39Speaker 03

  It feels like he was typing with one hand and jerking off.

• 44:43Speaker 01

  This guy's daughters, and he's speaking that way?

• 44:46Matt McCusker?

  We'll do better next week. That's...

• 44:47Speaker 01

  What a monster. Again, that wasn't even a question. Wasn't it? Wasn't it a question? There was no question. He just wanted to use...

• 44:54Matt McCusker?

  That was more of an op-ed.

• 44:55Speaker 01

  He just wanted to use...

• 44:56Speaker 02

  This is fairy tale body count stuff.

• 44:57Matt McCusker?

  That was fairy tale body count.

• 44:58Speaker 02

  Our, our fathers of young daughters dealing with like, uh, uh, body count issues right now, probably more than any time in history.

• 45:06Matt McCusker?

  I think so. Well, no, because I think they used to like kill them.

• 45:08Speaker 01

  Hmm.

• 45:09Matt McCusker?

  You know what I mean?

• 45:10Speaker 01

  Now they're hosts.

• 45:11Matt McCusker?

  Some parts of the world, they still do.

• 45:12Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 45:12Matt McCusker?

  You'd kill your daughter, or like you'd have to kill the guy if they dishonored her.

• 45:16Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 45:16Matt McCusker?

  Because you had to basically sell them for like.

• 45:18Speaker 01

  Yeah, and fucking women knew not to fuck around. Or else there'd be consequences. So of course they can marry a virgin.

• 45:27Speaker 02

  There's been barns full of, uh, you know, hay piles going back to the beginning of civilization. You know what I mean?

• 45:32Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, girls been doing it. I never thought about this. You know what's crazy? You know what's nuts? So back in the day, when you had like a medieval times, you have a daughter, you would get like one pig for your daughter, right? One pig.

• 45:41Speaker 02

  Can we look that up? That sounds low.

• 45:42Matt McCusker?

  I'm.

• 45:43Speaker 02

  Maybe twenty-five to forty thousand.

• 45:45Matt McCusker?

  Maybe four. But here's the thing, dude, that was like.

• 45:47Speaker 01

  Was it a Chinese pig?

• 45:48Matt McCusker?

  That was for like a wife. Only fans models make billions of years. Those guys, I think, went dra- they got drastically lowballed. If you think about it.

• 45:58Speaker 03

  No, but most OnlyFans.

• 45:59Matt McCusker?

  A woman's true value, it's like sitting on top of oil.

• 46:01Speaker 03

  Kind of, but most OnlyFans models make nothing. Most OnlyFans models are just showing holes to the void.

• 46:06Matt McCusker?

  Even two hundred and fifty bucks a month compared in pigs, medieval pigs? That's a bag.

• 46:11Speaker 02

  Can we get a conversion rate?

• 46:12Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, but.

• 46:12Speaker 02

  To twenty twenty-six USD.

• 46:15Speaker 01

  Yields a ton of food.

• 46:17Matt McCusker?

  And more pigs and.

• 46:18Speaker 01

  No, you're right. So like one pig yields.

• 46:20Speaker 02

  Well, no, you're not a pig. And I've been to functions where a pig was barely one meal.

• 46:25Matt McCusker?

  Hmm?

• 46:25Speaker 02

  I've been to parties where an entire pig was just like the meal for the night, you know? Where you're gonna do one feast in exchange for your daughter's chastity and potential future.

• 46:35Speaker 01

  Yeah, but they probably also didn't eat a ton so they could make the pig last a while, right?

• 46:39Matt McCusker?

  No way. It's meat, it'll spoil.

• 46:40Speaker 01

  But didn't they also get cows and like donkeys and stuff? A cow?

• 46:44Speaker 02

  The mayor just went, mm.

• 46:49Matt McCusker?

  If you're lucky, yeah, you get a cow. That'd be a good present.

• 46:52Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 46:52Matt McCusker?

  But.

• 46:53Speaker 01

  But also, didn't you get like a cow on some land? Like, wasn't that the dowry?

• 46:56Matt McCusker?

  It all depends on your daughter, how hot she was.

• 46:58Speaker 01

  And probably like the area you're.

• 47:01Matt McCusker?

  Fifty shekels of silver.

• 47:02Speaker 01

  Uh huh.

• 47:03Matt McCusker?

  Okay.

• 47:04Speaker 01

  Wow.

• 47:04Matt McCusker?

  Or the equivalent in livestock, basically. Okay, so that they're, they probably had it pegged pretty well then.

• 47:09Speaker 01

  Wow.

• 47:10Matt McCusker?

  I was thinking people got ripped off in medieval times when selling their daughters. I was like, wait a second.

• 47:14Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 47:15Speaker 01

  I mean, it just, I mean, the real people who got ripped off were the daughters.

• 47:19Matt McCusker?

  What do you mean? They're property of the father.

• 47:23Speaker 02

  What are you talking about, dude?

• 47:27Speaker 02

  They were the father's rightful property.

• 47:29Speaker 01

  Can you imagine having a daughter and you're like, yes, this will pay off in the long run?

• 47:34Speaker 02

  I mean, maybe. It is 18 years of just like feeding her while she learns like basket weaving and shit.

• 47:41Speaker 02

  Please don't get fat, man.

• 47:45Matt McCusker?

  That would be pretty nuts. That is like, yeah, that wouldn't feel good, honestly. If you had like a beautiful daughter and all you could think about was just selling her for like a fat sack of gold.

• 47:54Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 47:55Matt McCusker?

  That would feel good. You'd be like, kind of, it'd be bittersweet.

• 47:58Speaker 01

  Imagine being like a hot daughter.

• 48:00Speaker 02

  That was your retirement, by the way.

• 48:01Speaker 01

  Really? I'm only worth a pig? Look how hot I am compared to these toothless goblins. Like, shouldn't I be worth like a two pigs?

• 48:10Speaker 03

  But if you're like a peasant's hot daughter, it's still a pig. It's, I'd rather a noble toothless goblin.

• 48:15Matt McCusker?

  You would get a fattened sow, though. If you're a peasant's hot daughter, you'd probably get a fat pig. And as a girl, they'd probably be like, that's cool.

• 48:22Speaker 03

  See, in my neck of the woods, I work with goats, so I don't know how fat goats get.

• 48:26Speaker 01

  My neck of the woods for talking about Azerbaijan is very funny.

• 48:31Matt McCusker?

  I prefer a goat to a pig, for sure.

• 48:33Speaker 03

  Can goats give you milk? There's more, there's more happening with a goat. You can fuck a goat.

• 48:36Speaker 02

  With, um.

• 48:37Speaker 01

  What?

• 48:38Speaker 03

  Replace your daughter.

• 48:44Speaker 02

  He said you could fuck a goat. I said you can fuck any animal.

• 48:46Speaker 03

  True.

• 48:47Speaker 02

  In arranged marriage, would there ever be like, if you're not like status matching, would you ever make up the difference with an animal? I don't know why I'm looking directly at you.

• 48:55Matt McCusker?

  The shades are hiding in your eyes.

• 48:56Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 48:57Speaker 01

  He's also the ambassador.

• 48:59Speaker 03

  My parents were arranged marriage and the, and the way that it worked is my dad grew up in a very poor village. My mom came from a rich family in Bangladesh, but he got to America. So that was his trade off. Like, oh, you get to America, you get the hot girl of a rich family. And then you bring her family to America. That's, that was the trade off.

• 49:14Speaker 01

  To work harder.

• 49:15Speaker 03

  Yes, exactly. So he, he, he came in, he got to America and they were like, oh, here's. Oh, man, it was, uh, it was, he had to, he had to like, he went to engineering school in Dhaka, which is a capital of Bangladesh.

• 49:30Speaker 03

  He just rode a goat across the Atlantic.

• 49:35Speaker 01

  Onward to the goat in the Atlantic for a month and a half. Onward to the Berry Strait.

• 49:41Speaker 03

  It was actually the life, the life of Pi was based on my dad.

• 49:46Speaker 02

  The wife of pie.

• 49:49Matt McCusker?

  The wife to pie. The life of cream.

• 49:52Speaker 01

  The life of cream pie when he gets to America.

• 49:55Matt McCusker?

  So he damn, that's a sick deal. Get to America, get the babe.

• 49:58Speaker 03

  Yeah, you got the.

• 49:59Matt McCusker?

  It's like the hero's journey.

• 50:00Speaker 03

  Yeah, it's, it's something to aspire to. It's like, oh.

• 50:03Speaker 01

  My question is, are they legal?

• 50:08Matt McCusker?

  Thank you for asking.

• 50:14Matt McCusker?

  So he got here legally.

• 50:15Speaker 03

  Mm hmm. Legally. Yeah.

• 50:16Matt McCusker?

  Damn, that's hard as hell. How the, why the hell couldn't she get here?

• 50:19Speaker 03

  She's rich. Well, yeah, like, girls can't.

• 50:22Matt McCusker?

  Oh, they can't have ideas of that.

• 50:24Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 50:25Matt McCusker?

  They'd just be like, I have an idea.

• 50:26Speaker 03

  They just, well, my, my.

• 50:28Speaker 01

  She's learned dreaming.

• 50:32Matt McCusker?

  Let a poor guy dream for you.

• 50:33Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 50:33Matt McCusker?

  You'll marry him.

• 50:35Speaker 03

  My, my mom told a story about how when she was younger, she like kind of dated the guy across the street from her and then her brothers found out and they punished her by taking her out of school.

• 50:47Matt McCusker?

  Did you stop teaching her?

• 50:48Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 50:49Speaker 01

  What a backwards culture.

• 50:51Speaker 03

  She ended up going, she ended up going to college. She's a dentist now, so she figured it out.

• 50:54Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, look, I mean, hey.

• 50:54Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 50:55Matt McCusker?

  You say that, but check that out.

• 50:56Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's something, arranged marriages, never get divorced.

• 50:59Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 51:00Speaker 03

  Almost never. It's like a 90%. Yeah, yeah.

• 51:01Speaker 01

  Are they, are they not allowed?

• 51:03Speaker 03

  No, they're allowed, but it's like, it's, it's sort of like this, the way, so they call it, there's arranged marriages and love marriages. That's what they call it. And in arranged marriages, you're sort of faced with the person and who they are immediately. So you have to learn to love them. In a love marriage, there's passion and that fades over time and then you get to know the person.

• 51:18Speaker 01

  Right.

• 51:19Speaker 03

  And that might change. So it's like, you come at it with a different mindset.

• 51:22Speaker 01

  And do you think the arranged marriage, like the goal is to have children?

• 51:25Speaker 03

  And bring families together.

• 51:27Speaker 01

  So then the, they recognize it, like they kind of have to lay down their desires for the greater good of the family and community. So then they work together as a team rather than people that check up.

• 51:38Speaker 03

  Very anti-girl boss. Absolutely.

• 51:40Speaker 01

  Hmm.

• 51:41Speaker 03

  Yeah, it's absolutely, you, you, yeah, it's a, it's an Asian thing. Asian, it's like you work for the person, the, the whole culture. It's, but you know, the nail that sticks out gets the hammer. That's what they say in those cultures. So you gotta like, you gotta work for everybody.

• 51:52Matt McCusker?

  What about arranged divorce? That'd be sweet.

• 51:55Speaker 03

  You, you gotta, you gotta.

• 51:56Matt McCusker?

  You two are done.

• 51:57Speaker 03

  Yeah, you gotta give the goat back. Wait, we want the original goat.

• 52:00Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. Give us the original one.

• 52:01Speaker 01

  Give me the goat back.

• 52:03Matt McCusker?

  Bozzy, you're out of here.

• 52:05Speaker 02

  My goat's like 23 years old and can barely walk.

• 52:09Speaker 01

  Kill me.

• 52:11Matt McCusker?

  I mean, it is a funny idea to think you're gonna like, as a young person stare at a person and go, yes, this is total, this is like, you know, I know. The elders obviously know better how to mash you up. Yeah. And it's kind of tight, man. I don't know. I like the idea of arranged marriage. I've always thought it was cool.

• 52:27Speaker 03

  Well, the idea, the arranged marriage is how everyone did it forever, up until recently. Like, even, even like the American, like, yeah, go ahead.

• 52:35Speaker 01

  How do they decide the arrangements?

• 52:38Speaker 03

  What do you mean?

• 52:39Speaker 01

  Do they just like put names on dice and roll them?

• 52:41Speaker 03

  No.

• 52:43Matt McCusker?

  We're talking about thousands of years of like culture.

• 52:46Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 52:47Speaker 01

  Oh, fuck me for asking. Sorry, I didn't ask my friend Grok.

• 52:55Matt McCusker?

  Maybe I'll be doing a fire or.

• 52:58Speaker 03

  Wind blows and that's where they go find their one.

• 53:00Speaker 01

  Maybe on the chat GPT because there's no judgment was my question.

• 53:04Speaker 03

  Here's, here's how it works now. It's because there's like, it's like a vestige of that where it's not like they're not forcing people to get married anymore. But they'll give the girl something called like biodadas. And it's like a picture of the guy's face and all his stats, like height, weight, what he does, what he likes, what kind of family he's from, where his family is from. It's a dating profile.

• 53:22Speaker 01

  So it's like Indian pop the balloon.

• 53:25Speaker 03

  It's like Indian pop the balloon, but if you don't pop the balloon, you get married for life.

• 53:29Matt McCusker?

  Classicist, like you would love this.

• 53:31Speaker 03

  What?

• 53:31Matt McCusker?

  And you're an old classicist. I thought you would love this.

• 53:35Matt McCusker?

  Back they did in the good days.

• 53:37Speaker 01

  It was meant to be done. So what would they do prior? They would take.

• 53:41Matt McCusker?

  They would grab the lady by her hair and go, get the fuck.

• 53:47Speaker 01

  And give me that Clinton.

• 53:48Speaker 03

  My mom, my mom, my mom walked into her wedding. This is one of those.

• 53:54Speaker 01

  Isn't that a show on TLC?

• 53:55Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 53:56Matt McCusker?

  What did she do to her wedding?

• 53:57Speaker 03

  She like, so she met my dad. They're like, oh, we're kind of like, yeah, I like this guy, like this, we're kind of compatible. And then, oh, we can get to America, all that sort of stuff. And then, yeah, she walked into the next time they met. She was like, oh, this is my wedding. She's like, realized like, oh, I'm getting married.

• 54:10Speaker 01

  Honest about like her feelings in that moment? Like, was she initially attracted or was she like, uh, like, how did that work out?

• 54:18Speaker 03

  I, I think at first she was like, uh, but then, I mean, she.

• 54:21Speaker 01

  Understand it. You're in such a crazy situation.

• 54:24Speaker 03

  But, but like she loves my dad. My dad's a good man. So it's like, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 54:28Speaker 01

  That's so nice.

• 54:29Speaker 03

  He funded her dreams. So it's like, she kind of lucked out.

• 54:32Speaker 01

  That's kind of like such a better love story than, you know, like.

• 54:35Speaker 03

  Oh yeah, they're such a cute old couple. They go, they want, they go hiking all the time. Like they do like 10 hour hikes together.

• 54:43Speaker 01

  I love that. I want that.

• 54:44Matt McCusker?

  That's nice.

• 54:45Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 54:45Speaker 01

  Put my biodad out.

• 54:48Speaker 03

  And I will say because they're arranged, there's more like those rough times, they're like really try to make it work. Like there's no, they're not trying to like get out.

• 54:56Matt McCusker?

  Also, you kind of have customer services. You can just both call your parents and be like, what the fuck?

• 55:01Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, what the fuck dude?

• 55:02Speaker 01

  You got HR in your own way.

• 55:03Matt McCusker?

  It's not your fault. You can just be like, yeah, what the fuck are you guys with that?

• 55:05Speaker 01

  Yeah, and I bet the advice you get from the parents since they went through it is way more like on the level and just logical than going with like feelings and having like two families that have never dealt with the same.

• 55:17Matt McCusker?

  Otherwise, it's just you're drunk at a bar one night and you go, I think I'm gonna fuck it.

• 55:22Speaker 01

  He also likes hiking.

• 55:23Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 55:25Matt McCusker?

  We're gonna make it. It's just, I think it's, yeah, I think it's just equally kind of a crap.

• 55:29Speaker 01

  Interesting.

• 55:30Matt McCusker?

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• 56:12Matt McCusker?

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• 56:53Speaker 04

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• 57:10Matt McCusker?

  It's pretty crazy.

• 57:11Speaker 04

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• 57:12Matt McCusker?

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• 57:35Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah. I, I, when I was younger, I was like arranged marriages, like never. Now that I'm older, I'm like, oh, I kind of see that. I see the value in it.

• 57:42Speaker 02

  Dude, yeah.

• 57:43Speaker 03

  Yeah. What's up?

• 57:44Matt McCusker?

  Do you qualify for an arranged marriage? Could you be arranged?

• 57:47Speaker 03

  As, as a comedian, there's not a lot of Bengali girls that would, that would be interested. Yeah. Yeah. I'd have to be like famous, famous.

• 57:55Speaker 02

  Right.

• 57:55Speaker 03

  For them to even start like, like right now, like.

• 57:58Matt McCusker?

  So do you aspire to be like Akash?

• 58:01Speaker 03

  I like.

• 58:04Speaker 03

  I'll, I'll say this. I'm not trying to.

• 58:07Matt McCusker?

  Better question. Do you aspire to be like Akash like a year and a half ago?

• 58:12Speaker 03

  Yeah. Prior to like six months.

• 58:14Speaker 02

  He did nothing wrong. Stand by. He did nothing wrong.

• 58:17Speaker 03

  Yeah, I'm not, I like, I'm not trying to.

• 58:19Speaker 02

  Hot wife is a kink, by the way. It's not kink, Shane. Hot wife is a kink. Hot wife

• 58:24Speaker 02

  is hot wife. It's alpha.

• 58:29Speaker 03

  But yeah, like.

• 58:30Speaker 02

  Brat correction?

• 58:31Speaker 03

  I'm not like, I will say like, my, my special right now is doing pretty good. No Bengali people are watching it. And I asked, I asked my mom, I was like, they're not going to be like too gay.

• 58:38Speaker 02

  Is that one of those countries where if you put like the unlicensed music, they restrict it in that country? Did you ever do a YouTube video where you put like a song, like we're not going to show this in Bengali?

• 58:46Speaker 03

  No, it's not one of those countries. It's not, it's not like Russia.

• 58:50Speaker 03

  Yeah, but it's like, yeah, I would say, I would say I'm not like in with the culture yet.

• 58:54Speaker 02

  Really?

• 58:55Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, I'm literally surrounded by white people all the time and a wall of blacks.

• 58:59Speaker 02

  Have you ever gone on like a, have you ever gone on like a birthright trip?

• 59:02Speaker 03

  About, nah, it's, no, not yet. I'm gonna, if, I'm gonna go with my dad at one point before I die.

• 59:07Speaker 02

  Are you really?

• 59:08Speaker 01

  Have you ever gotten dizzy and gone to a porta potty and think you've been on a birthright trip?

• 59:13Speaker 02

  You're telling me.

• 59:14Speaker 03

  Ah, I feel like COVID here. Reminds me of my culture.

• 59:18Speaker 02

  You're telling me though, and I don't know much about, you know, Bengali, but it's like, you're, what do you, like, I'm an American comedian, I'm working, they need to see you like on TV, or they're gonna think, no, I'm just gonna marry this fucking.

• 59:30Speaker 01

  Yeah, like, you're a doctor in Bengali and you'll be like a cab driver in America. Like, I aren't, isn't my status higher? Isn't, isn't America the, the, the foundational ground of like what status is compared to Bengali?

• 59:46Speaker 03

  I'm not gonna go marry some third world chick. Like, that's not, that's not gonna happen.

• 59:49Speaker 01

  You ain't never gonna get third world pussy.

• 59:51Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. I want a lady that's already here. I'm not gonna get that.

• 59:53Speaker 02

  Well, it's like, let's be reasonable.

• 59:54Speaker 01

  Yo, my man, my man, you ain't never gonna get that third world pussy.

• 59:59Speaker 02

  You know, I'm a penny stock guy myself.

• 1:00:01Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, I'm not.

• 1:00:04Speaker 03

  Oh, oh, where's your wife? Oh, after she gets her polio shots, she'll be over here. I'm not looking for that.

• 1:00:09Speaker 02

  That's what I'm talking about, bro. Yeah, dude, it might be like invest, investing in bitch coin at a hundred dollars or something.

• 1:00:16Speaker 02

  She could blossom into a fucking. Bro, I would. You can 10x on your wife. Yeah, that's crazy. That's best case scenario. Maybe in the third world, I would be like, no schooling. Not a drop.

• 1:00:27Speaker 01

  Just make sure they got good teeth.

• 1:00:30Speaker 02

  You could start asking the mothership to pay you in goats.

• 1:00:35Speaker 02

  Yeah, I was a third world, no schooling wife, and I would show her, I would, I would educate her myself in like Instagram reels, how like mosquitoes are from like Satan.

• 1:00:45Speaker 01

  I would just do the.

• 1:00:46Speaker 02

  Don't ever leave this fucking house.

• 1:00:47Speaker 01

  I would just do the thumb trick.

• 1:00:53Speaker 03

  I don't have marriage, I'm sure living in America. Where do so much good magic's over there?

• 1:01:01Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, you're fucking up, dude. You gotta go.

• 1:01:03Speaker 03

  You gotta go to straight village.

• 1:01:05Matt McCusker?

  Go to the source, bro. Go to the motherfucking source.

• 1:01:07Speaker 03

  Maybe, maybe. But yeah, the awesome.

• 1:01:09Speaker 01

  Do they know about the J R E in Bangladesh? Hit them with a link, man.

• 1:01:16Speaker 03

  Hit them with the three links.

• 1:01:16Speaker 01

  Timestamp a good clip, dude.

• 1:01:19Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, even in Amer- even like a Bengali's American, bro. Like, what are you talking about?

• 1:01:23Speaker 03

  Yeah, that hasn't worked out for me. Pretty much every- I dated one Hindu girl. That was, that was interesting. But other than that, it's been most, it's been all white chicks.

• 1:01:29Matt McCusker?

  I read a book. Oh, you know. Life hands you lemons.

• 1:01:35Speaker 01

  You make lemonade.

• 1:01:39Matt McCusker?

  But yeah, I, I read a book about like, um, older, like, you know, in India specifically, uh, wedding practices. And that was kind of like, yeah, as a young girl at like 12, your husband would be decided and they would just be like, you gotta live in their house. And you would just live under your future husband's mother who would like, kinda haze you and like see what you were made of and bully you. And if you got pregnant with a son, they would finally be like, hey, we love you.

• 1:02:03Speaker 01

  We love you, right.

• 1:02:03Matt McCusker?

  If you had a daughter, they'd be like, fucking bitch. They would like hate you.

• 1:02:08Speaker 01

  Being a firstborn son in a brown family, fucking sick.

• 1:02:10Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 1:02:11Speaker 01

  Fucking sick, dude.

• 1:02:12Matt McCusker?

  They would be like, for real, it'd be like, you were literally worthless. You'd be there like Cinderella style doing chores and you get pregnant, they'd be like, let's see, it was a girl, they'd be like, ugh, you fucking piece of shit.

• 1:02:23Speaker 01

  Wow.

• 1:02:23Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 1:02:24Speaker 01

  It's like being trans in the south. Get out. I hate you.

• 1:02:29Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, arguably worse.

• 1:02:31Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:02:32Matt McCusker?

  Arguably worse.

• 1:02:33Speaker 03

  Yeah, if you're, if you're trans in the south, you can, you can go somewhere. If you're just in that situation, you're just stuck with a mother that hits you.

• 1:02:40Speaker 01

  What about the, the women that are born in those scenarios? Can have, could they like run away? Is there like a Underground Railroad for?

• 1:02:48Matt McCusker?

  I mean, probably.

• 1:02:49Speaker 01

  Children?

• 1:02:50Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, right into a fucking brothel.

• 1:02:52Speaker 03

  Yeah, probably.

• 1:02:53Matt McCusker?

  What are you talking about?

• 1:02:54Speaker 03

  The end result is probably not great at all.

• 1:02:56Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, those are free. No, no way. You're just gonna.

• 1:02:58Speaker 02

  Go right into a fucking like, you know.

• 1:03:01Speaker 01

  There's no like Bengali freedom fighters of like trying to free the the women from.

• 1:03:06Speaker 03

  Well, I mean, now, now Bangladesh is way more modern. This is what we're talking about.

• 1:03:10Speaker 01

  I guess I was talking to you about your book.

• 1:03:12Speaker 03

  Yeah, this was, yeah.

• 1:03:13Speaker 01

  The book you said you read.

• 1:03:15Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah, no, that was bad. It was like in the early days.

• 1:03:18Speaker 03

  I'll say this, my mom is a third of nine brothers and sisters, and she was the last arranged marriage. So like everything after that was like more agency and stuff.

• 1:03:27Speaker 02

  Oh, really?

• 1:03:29Speaker 05

  You don't use that Dill Mills thing? Like I heard something called Dill Mills, where it's like kind of arranged like.

• 1:03:33Speaker 03

  No, that's just, that's just Indian Tinder.

• 1:03:36Speaker 05

  Is it not where like parents are on the app too though?

• 1:03:38Speaker 03

  Well, I'll say this, like Dill, Dill Mills, Dill Mills, Indian Tinder, basically. It's like, it's for daisy people.

• 1:03:44Speaker 01

  Imagine the DMs.

• 1:03:47Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:03:47Speaker 01

  Your phone has smoke coming out of it.

• 1:03:51Speaker 03

  It's all.

• 1:03:52Speaker 01

  That's crazy.

• 1:03:53Speaker 03

  All Bob's all the geese.

• 1:03:56Speaker 02

  I'm gonna start a car company that just runs on those.

• 1:04:01Speaker 02

  When you're creating your account, you put in female, goes, are you sure? Are you, are you ready for this?

• 1:04:08Speaker 03

  So, so Dill Mills is Indian Tinder and like.

• 1:04:10Speaker 02

  I didn't know that.

• 1:04:11Speaker 03

  In that there are a lot of parents, not everyone, there's, there's, but a fair amount of them are kid, their, their parents are running their kids account, trying to find someone. That's, that's part of it.

• 1:04:20Speaker 01

  Just catfishing people?

• 1:04:22Speaker 03

  You could just be, you could just be in there.

• 1:04:24Speaker 02

  I was with parents chatting each other.

• 1:04:25Speaker 03

  Sometimes, sometimes.

• 1:04:29Speaker 02

  What are you doing later on?

• 1:04:30Speaker 01

  Like when those pedophile hunters act like children to catch pedophiles, but Indian parents.

• 1:04:36Speaker 03

  It's like Chris Hansen, but then you get married.

• 1:04:38Speaker 01

  Come over, come over, I'd be making milk and cookie.

• 1:04:44Speaker 02

  Sure, that'd be funny to do a Chris Hansen show where there's no age of consent and the guy shows up and you go, yeah, here.

• 1:04:50Speaker 02

  You're legally within your right, there you go. I'm still gonna read your text messages.

• 1:04:55Speaker 01

  Not so horny now, are you?

• 1:04:58Speaker 03

  Welcome to, to catch a husband.

• 1:05:04Matt McCusker?

  Dill mill, I know Dill mill was, I didn't know that was a thing.

• 1:05:07Speaker 03

  Well, yeah, but, but, but that's still mostly just regular Dacey people.

• 1:05:11Matt McCusker?

  Can you go on Dill mill and be like, I know I'm talking to the mother, I'm trying to smash you.

• 1:05:15Speaker 03

  I mean, most likely you're still, you're talking to the person. That's like, that's what, what, what, what he's talking about is very rare, but does exist.

• 1:05:20Matt McCusker?

  So it's just like a landline on an app.

• 1:05:22Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 1:05:23Speaker 02

  What's the, what is, what's the word play? What is Dill mill? Is Dill mill short for something like dudes I'd like to milk? What's the cultural significance of the name?

• 1:05:32Speaker 03

  I actually don't know. It's probably something Hindi that I don't really, I don't know Hindi very well or Hindi at all.

• 1:05:36Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, it's, it's not the spice. Dill's not a real prevalent spice and.

• 1:05:40Speaker 03

  And they probably don't call it Dill. It probably means something. We could chat GPT it, but I guess we'll just never know.

• 1:05:44Speaker 01

  I guess we'll just never know. That'd be really, probably a lot more fun to speculate.

• 1:05:47Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:05:49Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, just make up an answer and we'll go, well, we'll never know.

• 1:05:52Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:05:53Matt McCusker?

  Those kind of.

• 1:05:55Speaker 01

  Hearts meeting?

• 1:05:56Matt McCusker?

  Hearts meeting?

• 1:05:57Speaker 01

  That's crazy.

• 1:05:57Matt McCusker?

  Oh, that's nice. Hearts meeting is nice, man.

• 1:06:00Speaker 01

  Hmm.

• 1:06:01Matt McCusker?

  I like that.

• 1:06:02Speaker 01

  What does Tinder mean?

• 1:06:03Matt McCusker?

  When you get the elders involved, they come up with a nice name.

• 1:06:05Speaker 01

  Yeah, Hearts meeting is so, what is Tinder?

• 1:06:07Speaker 02

  Tinder is what you use to create a fire.

• 1:06:09Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 1:06:11Speaker 02

  You've not, you've been on the apps of forever and you've never once stopped to think what it means. That's crazy.

• 1:06:17Speaker 01

  Not a lot going on up here.

• 1:06:21Speaker 01

  Interesting. Now what's soul swipe mean?

• 1:06:24Speaker 03

  Hey, Tim, I retain semen, not knowledge.

• 1:06:30Speaker 01

  I need backshot from my mind.

• 1:06:34Matt McCusker?

  I think, I think, actually, I think grinder is based on what your parents do and you tell them. They mash their teeth and weep. They mash their teeth and weep.

• 1:06:51Speaker 01

  It's what they think you should do and you should, how you should die.

• 1:06:56Speaker 01

  It's making me sick.

• 1:06:57Speaker 03

  Dill mill is kind of the opposite of grinder where a grinder like you can like, there's like, they'll show you like how many feet away you are from somebody. Dill mill, they'll like send you people in like the UK and like they'll send you people everywhere.

• 1:07:06Matt McCusker?

  Really?

• 1:07:07Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah. There's a big people, there's a big like, one of the things, one of the things, one of the preferences you can state that's pretty high is like whether or not you'd be willing to relocate.

• 1:07:15Matt McCusker?

  But I couldn't join Dill mill as a white.

• 1:07:17Speaker 03

  You probably could. Hmm. Why would, you know, I don't know, I don't know what brown person would be looking for a white person on Dill mill. That seems, but you can, you can try it.

• 1:07:24Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, you can also go the Trudeau route.

• 1:07:29Matt McCusker?

  He didn't go, Trudeau did go blackface, but he also went like brownface kinda.

• 1:07:33Speaker 03

  No, he went brownface.

• 1:07:34Speaker 01

  Yeah, he went brownface. Yeah, he didn't do blackface, he did brownface. What about rebooting Soulman, but as a, as brownface?

• 1:07:44Matt McCusker?

  Soulman.

• 1:07:45Speaker 01

  Remember that movie?

• 1:07:46Speaker 03

  That's the one where he does blackface again to Harvard?

• 1:07:48Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:07:50Speaker 03

  And he learns what it's like to be a black guy?

• 1:07:51Matt McCusker?

  I didn't think about that. The, the.

• 1:07:53Speaker 03

  Didn't think about that. The speech at the end is great.

• 1:07:56Matt McCusker?

  I can't weigh in on that just yet.

• 1:07:58Speaker 01

  I'm not asking you to fund it. Matt, how about you executive?

• 1:08:03Matt McCusker?

  No, I'm tied up right now. I have a, I have a movie I want to make. I'm gonna do, you know Nollywood? Nigerian Hollywood? You can make a movie for like fifteen grand. So I want to write a movie and then have, I just write the script and have people in Nigeria just film, star, the whole thing. And I'm gonna put it out on my YouTube. That'd be pretty sick. Just like a really wild soap.

• 1:08:24Speaker 01

  So wait, you would have them star in it?

• 1:08:26Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, I'm not going all the way over there. So I would, I would just have.

• 1:08:30Speaker 03

  Put up on Fiverr or something.

• 1:08:32Matt McCusker?

  I would send La Mer. La Mer would be the star of my Nollywood.

• 1:08:36Speaker 01

  They would carry him around in Nigeria. He'd be the pig that gives someone's wife.

• 1:08:47Speaker 01

  You marry my daughter, you get one La Mer. Austin, zero.

• 1:08:55Matt McCusker?

  You guys really don't mess around up there, do you?

• 1:08:58Speaker 01

  Everywhere we go is like the cellar table.

• 1:09:03Speaker 01

  You never know where the bullet.

• 1:09:04Matt McCusker?

  You guys really are different breed.

• 1:09:12Matt McCusker?

  Well, hot damn, I think we made it to an hour. You guys, I knew this would be such a fun time.

• 1:09:16Speaker 01

  This was so fun.

• 1:09:16Matt McCusker?

  Such a fun time.

• 1:09:17Speaker 01

  This is great.

• 1:09:18Matt McCusker?

  You guys fucking ruled.

• 1:09:19Speaker 01

  I'm grateful.

• 1:09:20Matt McCusker?

  We're gonna do, we're gonna do the Patreon next up. If you guys want to stick, stick. If you guys want to leave, totally fine.

• 1:09:24Speaker 03

  I'm here.

• 1:09:26Speaker 01

  I'd love to.

• 1:09:26Speaker 03

  La Mer, go ahead and then drop the pig blood on Ian, please.

• 1:09:32Speaker 03

  Real quick, hurry up.

• 1:09:33Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 1:09:35Matt McCusker?

  I'm gonna pee. Take your time. I'm gonna take a pee. Take a little break. We'll head into the Patreon. Thank you, guys. Appreciate it.

• 1:09:39Speaker 01

  Yeah, thanks so much.

• 1:09:41Speaker 03

  Watch new episodes of Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Spotify.

• 1:09:44Matt McCusker?

  Do it.

• 1:09:53Speaker 06

  I'm Dexter Morgan. I've been killing killers for half my life. It gets to you. You're having a midlife crisis. I'm not ready for this. He's back. I'm older. I'm wiser.

• 1:10:06Speaker 06

  And sharper than ever. Things are gonna get messy. But if I can't believe in myself, I can't believe in anything. Dexter Resurrection. New season now streaming on the Paramount Plus Premium Plan.

• 1:10:22Speaker 07

  What's the secret to being a great host this season? Keeping things deliciously simple. Like mixing Simply Cranberry into a festive drink as guests arrive. Or serving up a warm mug of Simply Apple on a chilly night. That means less time behind the scenes and more time in the moment with everyone. Crafted with real fruit, Simply juices and fruit drinks make any holiday drink effortless, inviting, and completely delicious. Simply. Say yes to simple.