Good Inside with Dr. Becky
Hosted by Dr. Becky Kennedy
Today on the show, Dr. Becky tackles parental burnout, how to take care of yourself, and how to bring some fun back into your life.
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Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.
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Today, we're going to be talking about parental fatigue, parental burnout, parental exhaustion.
This is common. This does not make you a bad parent. This does not mean you don't love your kids and you're not grateful. Parenting feels exhausting because parenting is exhausting, not because you're doing something wrong or because anything is wrong with you.
And at the same time, I feel hopeful. Not that I can make you feel like an Energizer Bunny. I have not figured out how to do that for myself. But I do think there are themes and foundations and tactics and strategies that are all manageable and that will resonate deeply with each of us that can change our framework for how we think about parenting. And we can translate that change framework into some actions. And those new manageable actions can actually lead to more moments where we say, wait a second, I think I'm an eight out of 10 exhausted instead of a 10 out of 10. Wait a second, I think I'm at a five out of 10. Holy
moly, is this a unicorn moment that everyone said where I actually don't feel exhausted at all for, I don't know, a minute or two? I actually think we can get there. And I think we're going to make some progress today. And so, stay with me.
We're going to cover some of your questions. We're going to normalize this feeling, come up with manageable, actionable steps. And you're going to end today with some relief. You're going to feel seen and also with a tool or two that you can use to make things just a little easier. I'm Dr. Becky and this is Good Inside. We'll be back right after this.
I don't know about you, but by the time September rolls around, I'm ready for cozy season. That's when I start thinking about Thanksgiving plans and travel that allows me to spend quality time with my family. I'm thinking board games, changing leaves, maybe even a living room with a fireplace where we can read our books together. Maybe you're the kind of family that loves an adventure and wants a cabin in the mountains somewhere. Or maybe you're dreading the end of summer and need to look forward to staying at a home on the beach with a view of the ocean. Or maybe you love to cook, so you want to stay in a home with your dream kitchen. Wherever your travel plans take you, it's the perfect time to get a little reset together as a family before the holiday season and craziness begins. But here's something you may not have considered. If you're planning to go away this year, leaving your own space empty, you can list
it on Airbnb while you're away to give another family some quality time in a home away from home. You get to make use of your space and you can earn some extra income to put toward your family's future travel plans. Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at airbnb.com/host.
All right, let's get into your questions, starting with this. Dr. Becky, I'm feeling completely exhausted as a parent. Is this normal? Am I doing something wrong?
All right. You are not doing anything wrong. And I want to zoom out on that because I actually think it's profound how many times in our lives we're struggling. And then we have the unconscious assumption that we're doing something wrong or that something is wrong with us. Why is this? I often think, were we born with that? Like, I just don't think we were. There's a baby who's saying, oh, wait, I did eat a couple hours ago and I woke my parents up and I'm hungry again. Oh. Something wrong with me? Am I doing something wrong? I just feel like no baby thought that. You know what babies do when they're hungry again? Even though we just went back to sleep as a parent?
They scream for us. They have just full permission to feel their feelings, to never believe any of them are wrong, to actually take up space in the world. So how do we get from a place where we are, to some degree, comfortable, waking up the adults around us every few hours, to a place where we are now? Where it's almost like we're questioning, am I exhausted? Am I wrong to be exhausted? Are other parents exhausted? Is this a sign I'm not cut out to be a parent? Does this mean I don't love my kid? Am I doing something wrong? And I'll tell you how I think we get from there to here. I think for most of us, when we were younger and we were really struggling,
it was very rare to have compassion and validation as the first response. For example, you had to get up early to go to school. I'm so tired. I don't know if most of us would say that was met with, oh, I know you have to get up so early. That stinks. Now, any good inside parent knows, after that, I would still definitely make my kids go to school. It's not because they're tired that they get to miss school. But the leading with that validation and compassion, so important. I also don't think a lot of us, when we were really having a hard time somewhere, oh, I'm feeling burnt out at soccer.
I'm feeling burnt out at school, whatever it is. Again, I don't know if what we were used to is someone saying, oh, you know what? Schoolwork feels exhausting because it is exhausting. You know what? This intense soccer team you're on feels hard because it is hard. You know what? Starting high school, starting college, starting a new job, feels anxiety producing because it is anxiety producing. I don't think that's what a lot of us were used to. What did we often get? You're making a big deal out of nothing. Come on, pull up your bootstraps. Oh, you're crying? I'll give you something to cry about.
We were used to something harsh. We were used to feeling judged. We were used to invalidation. And so what did we learn to do in our bodies? Wire, struggle? Feeling exhausted, feeling burnt out, next to the response we were used to? Invalidation, self-blame, criticism. If you're thinking, oh, my goodness, is that why I'm like always harsh on myself? Not just about parenting being exhausting, but about everything? Like, if I forget to, I don't know, pack my kid's favorite snack, part of me says, oh, I can't be responsible for anything.
If someone's upset with me, I always blame myself. I don't even question whether I actually felt good about my response, and that's separate from someone else's reaction. Is that why? Yeah, probably. I mean, I'm laughing because it's probably more nuanced than that. But sometimes I think it's not that much more nuanced than that because this is actually very nuanced. How we talk to ourselves comes from how other people talk to us. This is one of the reasons I do care so much about parenting. A parent's voice becomes a child's self-talk. A child's self-talk becomes an adult's self-talk. And that's often at the core
of a lot of our self-blame spirals. Parenting feels exhausting because parenting is exhausting. That's just validation. It's actually something we can say in so many areas that I'd love for you to try on. Huh. Balancing working at my office with managing my kid's carpool schedule feels hard because it is hard. Oh, look at that. Being on this committee at school and managing all of my kid's after-school stuff and the groceries and the logistics, that feels difficult because it is difficult.
Blank feels hard because it is hard. Blank feels exhausting because it is exhausting. Please fill in the blank with something that's relevant in your life. Something I promise you is that compassion is not dangerous. I mean that. I think so many of us stay away from it like it's toxic. Compassion, validation. They probably feel awkward and uncomfortable because they're new. Anything that's new, anything that's cycle breaking, will feel awkward and uncomfortable because your body's reaction is, "What? I don't have such a kind of receptacle for this. This is kind of the first drop in a bucket.
So it's going to sound loud." Because it's different. You drop something into a bucket that's had a million gallons of water. It's going to feel natural and normal. Dr. Becky, I'm feeling completely exhausted as a parent. Is this normal or am I doing something wrong? I'm guessing if you're listening, you have that question sometimes too. So here my answer. It's normal. You're not doing anything wrong. Try on a little validation and compassion. I promise you over time it'll feel more natural. And it will be really, really helpful and healing.
Here's the next question. Dr. Becky, is there any way that I can get ahead of getting burnt out? I feel like I'm always in recovery mode. Is there any way to not get burnt out? Instead of always recovering from being burnt out? And my question is truly, is it even possible? Or is recovery the best it gets?
I love this question. I do think it's possible. Now, now, now, watch what we do. Oh, it's possible, so I'm just bad at it. No, you're not bad at it. I want to know what you would tell your friend who's performing surgery and feels not great at surgery. But you learn she never went to med school. Would you tell her, oh, yeah, you're just bad at surgery? Or would you say, wait, wait a second. Someone put you in the position of surgeon without helping you figure out that you should go to med school first? No one taught you. No one taught you the things you're expected to do? Oh, my goodness. First of all, you're so brave for even doing that.
And I feel like we can get you more resources and support. How to not get burnt out as a parent? That is not a set of skills any of us were gifted. That is not a high school course any of us took. That is not something you can find on the street. Oh, my goodness. How to not get burnt out when you're a parent? I'm so glad I found this. I'm going to pick that up. That has never happened. This is something we learn. There are skills, but not having them doesn't mean it's your fault. And this is also a good zoom out moment. When you don't have something that you need. Oh, no one ever taught me that. I don't have that. This is a struggle. I want you to notice, do I go into self blame mode again?
Oh, something's wrong with me. Or do I go into anger mode? And I'm just going to say it. I would love us all to try on anger. And we misunderstand anger. Oh, you want me to go rage at people, Dr. Becky? I do not. That is rage. That is a dysregulated behavioral expression of the very healthy emotion that is anger.
Anger is the feeling we have that puts us in touch with what we needed and never got. It's a feeling we have to say, hey, I needed that and I didn't get it. That is such a healthy emotion. We can't even have self-concept and self-worth and self-confidence if we don't allow ourselves to feel anger, because anger is a way of saying, I am someone who's worthy and valuable enough to want and need things and to have feelings when that doesn't happen. So I think as a group, can you imagine if instead of all feeling guilty and blaming ourselves for not knowing how to avoid burnout, we felt angry? Like, whoa, whoa, whoa, people let me become a parent without learning how to take care of myself?
Like, we don't even let people become drivers of a car without knowing how to be safe on the road. That's messed up. That is messed up in this world. And I promise you, that anger, healthy anger, is justified. And as a framework, I'd ask you to try on as we go through a few things that can help avoid burnout. Okay, number one, taking care of self. Whose self? You. Not you as a caregiver. That's one part of you. It's a very important part, and it is one part you.
There is so much of you that has nothing to do with being a caregiver to your child. And I know that, because you were you for many, many years before your child existed. And there were things that mattered to you. There were things that lit you up inside. There were relationships you had, there were things you did, there were interests, there were values, there were actions, there were habits that really mattered.
And when we're burnt out, sometimes I feel like it's all those other parts of us
that are just screaming for our attention. Hey, remember dancing? You used to go to dance classes. Hey, remember your friends? You used to talk to them on the phone. Now, look, again, oh, well, I don't have time for that. And again, going to dance classes, talking to your friends, is that going to be the same when you're raising kids as when you weren't? Of course, it's not the same. But if our bodies went from like driving at, you know, 60 to crashing and getting zero, we'd feel that. We feel that when we're burnt out. All the parts of us that really matter,
they don't get moderated.
Sometimes it feels like they go to zero. And that is such a common thing when we feel burnt out. We're burnt out of caregiving. That's what we say. I'm burnt out of parenting. Really, we're just missing the parts of us that give us purpose and value outside of the caregiving role.
I don't know about you, but by the time September rolls around, I am ready for cozy season. That's when I start thinking about Thanksgiving plans and travel that allows me to spend quality time with my family. I'm thinking board games, changing leaves, maybe even a living room with a fireplace where we can read our books together. Maybe you're the kind of family that loves an adventure and wants a cabin in the mountains somewhere. Or maybe you're dreading the end of summer and need to look forward to staying at a home on the beach with a view of the ocean. Or maybe you love to cook, so you want to stay in a home with your dream kitchen. Wherever your travel plans take you, it's the perfect time to get a little reset together as a family before the holiday season and craziness begins. But here's something you may not have considered. If you're planning to go away this year, leaving your own space empty, you can list
it on Airbnb while you're away to give another family some quality time in a home away from home. You get to make use of your space and you can earn some extra income to put toward your family's future travel plans. Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at Airbnb.com/host.
Second thing, I want to talk about reactive mode and preparation mode. This is something I hear from parents all the time. "I just don't have time." "All this stuff, I know self-care, I don't have time." Right? We are just so accustomed to the time we spend feeling burnt out and therefore reactive and often rageful because when we get burnt out, we just get really afraid. And very small things can set us off in every relationship because we're burnt out. Right? We get so accustomed to the time we spend being reactive, feeling guilty at night, not being able to sleep well. Right? The exhaustion there.
Where it's just a different mindset to think, "I do have time for an eight-minute phone call with a friend. I can rearrange my schedule to go to one dance class even just this month and to make it my priority. I am someone who solves my kids' schedules and car pools and coverage. I do that for my kid all the time. This month, I'm going to say there's nothing that matters more than doing it for myself once." And when we say, "I don't have time," what I would challenge us to say is, "I think it's just about how I'm spending my time." When we spend our time in a way we're used to, we don't tend to mark it as time because it's natural. When we spend our time in a way we're not used to, it feels like, "Oh, it's so much time."
But I think it's our bodiesave saying, "You're just doing something new." So it feels a little different. The irony is, if we want to change a pattern, something new is our signal that we're actually doing that. We just have to tolerate the discomfort along the way. What can you do here? First, you can just be honest with friends or family about feeling burnt out. There's something about saying to the other parent that drop off, "Oh, how are you? Ah, really? Feeling a little burnt out right now." It takes the shame away and the chances are, the person you're talking to...
Actually really needs permission to say that too. So just be honest. That's one way of taking care of yourself. I think another way is just saying, all the different situations with my kids that really drive me up the wall and lead me to feeling burnt out. Do I feel like I have clarity in what's really going on there? We can't always fix a problem right away, but what we can do is get clarity. Right? Kind of again, when we think about doctors, imagine if they didn't have clarity on the actual problem in the operating room. Think about how many surgeries they'd be doing. Okay, it's here. No, it's here. No, it's here. Oh, I can't believe I was in surgery for eight hours. When really in that situation, you might say, well, what was the core issue?
What was the actual thing? Maybe it would have taken a little bit of upfront time to gain that clarity and identify the issue. But then we're not playing whack a mole after. We're not putting on Band-Aids everywhere. We're not going in and doing a million things because we have clarity on what's really going on. I have always found that clarity is my antidote to burnout. Okay, I feel burnt out with my kid. They're doing all these. Okay, wait, what's the real thing? What's really going on? What is kind of the core issue? And what are secondary ones that I can put to the side? Now, all of a sudden, I've kind of much less to focus on. And I don't feel as burnt out.
The last thing I want to say, the third thing, about kind of getting ahead of burnout is really, really thinking about the way we talk to ourselves about our hard moments. You know, I think about a friend I was talking to recently who was telling me about this really, really public meltdown her kid had at a birthday party. And she didn't like how she intervened. So does the meltdown and her feeling embarrassed about how she intervened. It was the whole thing. And she was saying to me, you know, a couple of days later, I still feel so burnt out. I feel so exhausted by what happened at the birthday party. And what I said to her is,
I hear you and I wonder if you're not so much burned out from that meltdown,
but you're burnt out about how much you're beating yourself up about the meltdown. Like it's almost like you keep reliving it. That will definitely burn us out. Oh, what am I doing and my kid is the worst and I don't know how to handle things and I can't believe that I embarrassed myself and everyone's probably talking to me about it. The meltdown, I mean, I went through it with her, probably lasted, I don't know, probably felt like hours, don't get me wrong, but I think it was a couple of minutes, but the way she relived it and retold herself the story so harshly, that was days.
So I'd ask you to kind of reflect on that. Is there something that was for sure exhausting and less than ideal? Yes, yes, yes.
And am I reliving it and I prolonging it? Am I almost digging myself an even deeper hole just around the really harsh stories? I'm telling myself about it. All right, the next thing, and this again is so poignant. I want to thank you for these really thoughtful, honest questions. When you write them into the podcast, please know you're changing the narrative because I can share them here. And so many parents, I think even more than my answers, feel comforted by hearing your questions because they've had the same questions themselves. I feel like I've stopped enjoying my kids. Does that come back, enjoying them or even having fun with them? So often I think this is actually the core thing we struggle with, with our kids.
You know, one of the really interesting things to me is in Good Inside Membership, we have a lot of different doors for people to enter, right? What's one door? Deeply feeling kids. Another door, tantrums. Another door, listening issues. Another door, rudeness. Another door, sleep issues, anxiety, right? It's whatever the problem that is biggest in our home. That's unfortunately often when we wait to get help, right? I used to always tell my clients, you know, oh, a therapist, we can be best, not when there's 10 out of 10 crisis, but once things have calmed down a little, that's when we make progress. But most of us, I get it, we kind of wait till something's a 10 out of 10. And that's a door that people come through. And you might say, that's nuts. Like you're helping people, at least at first, with all these different things.
But I think we're always helping people with the exact same thing.
I think in all of those moments, as much as they seem so different on the surface, we're actually struggling with the same core thing.
We've stopped liking our kid.
We still love our kid.
But we've kind of stopped liking them. We've stopped enjoying them. We've definitely stopped enjoying any part of parenting. And that's the part, when I think about the word exhausting, I think that's the thing that really is always true when we're exhausted and frustrated. We just stopped liking all of it.
So let's do something together to end with.
One.
I want you to think about a moment with your kid that brings a smile to your face. That's it. It might be a moment from today, a week ago, five years ago.
It doesn't have to be huge.
Right? It could be, I don't know, I just kind of picture my kid drawing and there was something that, you know, made me smile.
It could be something really funny or even almost inappropriate that your kid says that, again, just makes you chuckle a little bit or smile. So think about that right now. What I want you to just tell yourself is I'm remembering that I have a good kid. None of this negates the hard stage you might be in. Two things can be true. You could be in a hard stage and you can remember that you have a good kid.
Okay, the second thing. I want you to try on this idea. It's an idea I happen to think is true, but I would never ask you to take in something as true unless it felt true to you. So just try it on and you'll see if you want to keep it on.
It's not my kid's behavior change that will lead to more enjoyment.
It's my mindset change. Oof, I'm sorry. It's so heavy. I know, but you all know me. I don't like to stay shallow. I like the heavy, deep, heart resonant stuff. What do I mean by this? My kids in a rudeness stage. They're in a hitting stage. And I know it's so tempting. I think about it too, all the time. If my kid's behavior just changed, if my kid's behavior just improved, everything would be easier. Then I would enjoy my kid. Dr. Becky, you're telling me people enjoy kids who are whining all the time? People like that? Okay, no. Nobody likes whining. Nobody likes hitting. Nobody likes being woken up at 2:00 a.m. I've experienced all those things. I never liked them.
But I can promise you that every single time things got better with my kid, I stopped telling myself that I had to change my kid's behavior to get there. And I changed my framework, my understanding, my sense of what my role was in the situation and how I saw my child in this hard stage.
And then the last thing. And this probably should have been the first thing, but my order is off. I wonder where you can find fun for yourself. That's right. I feel like I've stopped enjoying my kids. Does that come back, enjoying them, having fun? I just wonder if there's another area of your life outside your kid that you could almost prime yourself with fun. Right? Almost like, ooh, if I'm really not enjoying anything about my kids or having fun, maybe I'm just not having a ton of fun in my life in general. Can I find fun elsewhere? And can that shift kind of the energy I even bring into my house and my mindset and my framework? Can I kind of back into fun with my kids by priming it in another area of my life? What would be fun to you?
I think that's a question. Ask yourself, what would be fun to me? And if you're like most people, you say, I don't know anymore. That's okay. Too often we say, I don't know what would be fun. And then we just don't try anything. That would be like being starving at a restaurant and saying, I don't know what to order, but then like ordering nothing. Okay, you don't know what to order. You are hungry. Order something. Maybe you don't like it. And then the next time you're at that restaurant, you'll try something different. You're in need of fun. What would be fun? You don't know? Okay, no big deal. Try something on. Watch a funny show. Dance. Play a board game with a friend.
Your fun is in there.
It might be dormant, but it's not dead.
Parental burnout is very common.
And while nobody asks me about repair related to this topic, I just want to get it in here at the end because if you're feeling burned out, that means you're reactive. That means you're likely yelling, saying things you wish you could take back. And I promise, none of that means you're a monster. Sometimes the best way to get out of a burnout cycle is by telling yourself, "I'm gonna crush repair." I like how Adam Grant has told me he calls this the second score. The first interaction with someone, you're like, "Ooh, my score wasn't great. Not so proud of how I showed up there. Ooh, I'm gonna crush my second score. I'm gonna crush it. I'm gonna give the best repair ever." Right?
I'm gonna say to my kids, "Ooh, I yelled at you earlier. I'm sorry, and it's not your fault when I yell." I'm working on managing my emotions. So even when I'm frustrated, I'm able to stay calm.
Sometimes that's the thing that gets us out of burnout because again, instead of reliving the episode over and over and telling ourselves a story over and over of how awful we are, we do something that I talked about at the top of this episode, something completely psycho-breaking and revolutionary and new. And as a result, that will feel uncomfortable.
You give yourself compassion and validation and relief and hope. Remember, you've got this.
Thank you for listening. To share a story or ask me a question, go to goodinside.com/podcast, or you could write me at [email protected]. Parenting is the hardest and most important job in the world, and you deserve resources and support so you feel empowered and confident for this very important job you hold. I'm so excited to share Good Inside membership. It's the first platform that brings together content and experts you trust with a global community of like valued parents. It's game changing and built for a busy parent who wants to make the most out of the few minutes they have. One last thing before I let you go.
Let's end by placing our hands on our hearts and reminding ourselves, even as I struggle and even as I have a hard time on the outside, I remain good inside.
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