231: Why You Keep Making Unhealthy Decisions...

Why do you keep checking if they watched your story, waiting for your ex to text, or feeling bored the moment someone is actually good to you? In this science-heavy episode, Sabrina breaks down the neuroscience of attachment and repeating relationship patterns: why your brain gets hooked on hot and cold people like a slot machine, why healthy relationships can feel boring, why you can’t get over your ex, and why you self-sabotage the moment you get what you wanted. Sabrina shares her own story of learning to receive secure love, plus what actually helps you break the cycle after a breakup, during no contact, or in a relationship where you keep having the same fight. You’ll also get a simple 90-second nervous system check-in to start catching your anxious attachment patterns before you act on them, so you can stop chasing the people who give you the least. Come see me on tour! https://sabrinazohar.com/tour Order Sabrina's book,⁠⁠ "Why Am I Like This?"⁠⁠ Get your free workbook and access to the companion course after pre-ordering 'Why Am I Like This?' by filling out the form at the bottom of the page at ⁠http://sabrinazohar.com/book⁠ Take the new and improved dating quiz! ⁠sabrinazohar.com/quiz⁠ If you’re ready to slow down, trust your instincts, and break your old dating patterns, the Healthy Relationship Foundations Course walks you through it step-by-step ⁠⁠HERE!⁠⁠ Product of the week! https://shopmy.us/shop/product/3289255? Curator_id=515255 Get Ad free ⁠⁠HERE!⁠⁠ Watch on Spotify. Spotify subscribers get fewer ads on my video. Want to work with Sabrina? ⁠⁠HERE!⁠⁠ Get merch for The Sabrina Zohar Show ⁠⁠HERE!⁠⁠ Don't forget to follow ⁠⁠Sabrina⁠⁠ and ⁠⁠The Sabrina Zohar Show⁠⁠ on Instagram and ⁠⁠Sabrina ⁠⁠on TikTok! Video now available on ⁠⁠YOUTUBE!⁠⁠ Chapters: 00:00 Why You Keep Repeating the Same Patterns 03:02 Why Healthy Relationships Feel Boring 05:45 Why the Wrong Person Feels Like the One 08:55 Why You Keep Waiting for Your Ex to Text 11:07 Why You Self-Sabotage Good Relationships 14:50 Why You Stay When Your Needs Aren’t Met 17:53 Why You Can’t Stop Stalking Your Ex 20:46 How to Break Anxious Attachment Patterns 23:41 Why You Keep Getting Ghosted 26:37 90-Second Nervous System Check-In Disclaimer: The Sabrina Zohar Show, formerly known as Do The Work, is not affiliated with A. Z & associates LLC in any capacity. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:02Speaker 00

  Fall never arrives all at once. First the air, then the light. And slowly, the things you love begin to find each other. A jacket meets a dress. A hoodie slips beneath a blazer. An old cap finds a new scarf. Because you don't simply step into the season. You create it, layer by layer, until it finally feels like fall. Find fall your way at Ross.

• 0:30Sabrina Zohar?

  Let me ask you a question. Have you ever repeatedly checked whether someone watched your story? Don't lie to me, baby. But it's because your nervous system got hooked on the high of their attention. It's the same way people get hooked on slot machines. But do you know why slot machines work? It's because you never know when they'll pay out. This is the information that will save you years of spiraling and wasting your time on shit that's not worth it. So the question isn't why you can't stop checking. It's why the person who gives you the least feels like the only one worth winning. And I can tell you with certainty, baby, I was the epitome of an anxious mess. And if I can work through this, so can you. Hello, hello, hello. Welcome to another episode of the Sabrina Zohar Show. My name is Sabrina Zohar and I am your host, my babies. The book is out. You guys have read it, some of you, some of you.

• 1:16Sabrina Zohar?

  I only want to hear how much you love it. I'm just kidding. I mean, listen, I don't need to hear hate, but like, I hope you love it. Guys, as always, thank you for being here. Don't forget to rate, review the show, share it with a friend, leave a comment, even if it's just a heart, you have no idea how much it means. Let's grow this puppy, let's build this community. And don't forget to order my book if you haven't already, because you could get it now, worldwide, my babies. All right, without further ado, let's get on into it. So this is a little bit more of a science-heavy episode, because I think it's necessary. The book gives you so much, but I really wanted to get into the nooks and crannies of why do you keep repeating the same shit? Why do you keep doing the same thing? Now, we know certain aspects of it, right? Like, here's the harsh reality.

• 1:58Sabrina Zohar?

  Neuroscience and psychology haven't necessarily invented something new every week. And so even with the book, I know some of you guys are going to be like, wow, okay, you go over attachment styles. It's like, the fuck I do, because there needs to be a level setting. Not everybody is on the same page. And so it is important for us to talk about things in repetition, but we're going to expand and we're going to have different conversations and talk about different things. But certain principles will still stand, right? And so I had the question box on the Sabrina Zohar Show on Instagram, as always. Follow along and don't forget to upload your questions, so I can help you guys. You had a lot of questions, my babies. And they really kind of all revolved very similarly of like, why do I keep waiting for them to tell me or text me when they want to work things out? Why do I stay when someone is clearly not meeting my needs? Why does it take me months to get clarity?

• 2:43Sabrina Zohar?

  And them hoping that they're not going to choose me? Why does it take me months to stop stalking them on post-separation? Why do I keep reaching out to them after four months of them breaking up with me? The real question is not why you keep doing it. I can tell you why, right? Like, that's the whole fucking book. But I can tell you why. And I think we know, why is our way of intellectualizing because we're uncomfortable with what's underneath it? And the real question is, what is your nervous system protecting you from? And I think that's the reality we need to face, angels. And it could be, why do I freak out when my boss does this? Or my friend doesn't answer, right? It's not all about dating or being in a relationship. So this episode, very specifically, is for the person who wants the healthy relationship, or the healthy friendship, or the healthy dynamic in their environment.

• 3:28Sabrina Zohar?

  You've done some work, but you keep finding yourselves in the same dynamic. You're not broken, but these patterns are predictable. So I really want to help you guys in different ways. And that's why I think I'm hoping the neuroscience helps you to understand. Because even as I was doing my research, I was like, oh, duh, that makes sense. And it's not because it's like, ooh, get out of jail free card. But it's understanding that when you do something very strategically and specifically, you will get the results that you're looking for, because now you're kind of rigging the brain system. Let's even talk about what happens when you do enter something healthy. And I, again, found this super interesting, some of the science about it. Oftentimes, you get bored, because your brain is looking for the threat, the chase, the uncertainty, right? How often do you hear, healthy equals boring?

• 4:12Sabrina Zohar?

  Or, I don't feel activated? And that's usually why I'll ask you guys, like, is it that you're bored? Or is it that you're just not activated? Is it that this person isn't right for you? Or is it that you feel like you don't have to earn it? You don't have to chase them? You don't have to prove your worth? And that goes against your core beliefs? And now you don't know how the fuck to show up authentically? Because you've never had somebody accept you for who you are and say that who you are is amazing, perfect as you are, and they don't want you to change? And oftentimes, that goes against the very beliefs that you were taught early on in childhood. So I want you to start to get curious. Is it really that they're not right for you? Or is it that you're not ready to receive something that's actually healthy and accepts you for who you are? The first thing was predictive coding. Your brain generates models of what to expect based on past experiences. So when reality violates that model, prediction error spikes.

• 4:54Sabrina Zohar?

  So a healthy relationship produces massive prediction error if your baseline is chaos. And prediction error is processed as anxiety, not relief. That's often why, when you meet someone and you're like, but I don't get it. Like, historically, I've always been too much, but why do they like me? Or, my partner accepts me for who I am? Like, that was hard for me for a while, was acknowledging, like, yeah, Ryan loves me for who I am. He's not trying to change me. He's not trying to make me become a different person. I have friends that think I'm amazing as I am. I have friends that maybe don't, right? Like, that's part of it. You're not going to please everybody, so you might want to give up trying at this point, in full transparency. But it's really about understanding that there's nothing wrong with you. You're not broken, there's nothing to fix. But baby, we do have to heal through some shit.

• 5:37Sabrina Zohar?

  It was not your fault what happened in childhood, but now it is your responsibility to deal with it. Otherwise, you put that onto every fucking other person that you deal with, expecting them to heal what no one else but you can actually heal. So start to get really curious. Where did I learn this from? How old do I feel? And what are familiar patterns versus what actually requires my attention right now in this moment to handle it? Does the pinch match the ouch? Familiarity detection in the anterior temporal lobe. So your brain recognizes familiar patterns faster than it evaluates whether they're good for you. So maybe that's the avoidant X, or the inconsistent texture, or the hot and cold person. They all feel like my person, because your prefrontal cortex doesn't get to vote yet. And so that's why, you know, the prefrontal cortex, the part of your brain that's responsible

• 6:18Sabrina Zohar?

  for decision-making and common sense, when that is offline, we go into like, no, no, but they're my person and they're this and they're... How many times? You want to get over a relationship or a breakup? You got to stop calling them the one or your person. What you're doing is you're pedestal-ing this person and you're idealizing them. Oh, really? The person for you is someone that hurt you? Someone that dismissed you? Someone that was hot and cold? Someone that was inconsistent? Baby, that's not the person for you. That's just the person that's going to put you in therapy for five more fucking years until you acknowledge that they're just familiar, but they're not actually right for you. So the other part of the brain, this I thought was really interesting. The nucleus accumbens and uncertainty. This one was wild to me. Dopamine release is tied to reward prediction error, not the reward itself. So unpredictable partners create variable reward schedules, which keeps the accumbent firing.

• 7:03Sabrina Zohar?

  Consistent partners don't. And that's why the healthy equals boring. It's not because that person's boring. I'll give you fun. You want story time? Let's go. I've been with my partner for four years. When we first met, I was really shaken up by like, this healthy, secure person. Now, of course, he has a shit, just like I do. But like, we've both done so much goddamn work on ourselves to get to this point that we're at. And I really struggled to receive that love. To the point where in therapy, yesterday, I talked to my therapist and I was like, I want you to help me work on continuing to receive and let this person in. Because my brain is, subconsciously, always trying to find a reason why this is not right for me. Not because there's anything, but maybe it's like, oh, well, because I'm going to push him away eventually. Or, I'm just not excited.

• 7:48Sabrina Zohar?

  And it's like, none of that is accurate. None of that is real. None of that, it's just that this is so safe and secure that I have never experienced that in my childhood. I came from so much chaos, so much inconsistency, so much up and down, that that is wired in me that this is safe. And, new word that I learned, fanciful thinking. You want to know what that is? My therapist was like, baby, you go into fanciful thinking. I was like, what's that? Fanciful thinking is that childlike imagination, right? The knight in shining armor. And they should be tall and handsome, or this and this, and they should be wealthy and they should have this career. It sounds like a child, because fanciful thinking and adult reality don't match. And that's why it feels, where you're like, is this it? Is this it? Is this the person for me? Yeah, it might be.

• 8:33Sabrina Zohar?

  It might not be. I don't know, only you can determine that. But it might be. And oftentimes, calm can feel like rejection, because your early environment required that vigilance to maintain attachment. So calm reads as like, no, no, no, this is the calm before the storm. But your sympathetic system stays half-activated, waiting for the other shoe to drop. That's why we always are like, no, no, no. That's why for me, I'm like, nah, just give him a minute. And he's going to learn that he hates me and he doesn't like me and he doesn't want to be with me. Hi, that's my childhood. Because every time my dad was happy with me, or my siblings, I have realized, as I've been just going through life, how much they impacted me. How much I've always been striving for their validation and for them to choose me and for them to tell me I'm worthy and deserving of love. And it's not just my dad.

• 9:18Sabrina Zohar?

  It's not always just one person. It could be teachers, it could be aunts and uncles, it could be other people in your environment. Look outside of that and start to get really curious. Who have you always wanted validation from? Who have you always been begging to choose you? Who have you always waited to come back? And who have you always waited to be changed? That right there will tell you who it is that you keep dating. Because that's who you're seeking in all of these partners. It's not actually about them, but it's about what they reaffirm and the wound that you're hoping you can heal by being with these people. So somebody asked, why do I keep waiting for them to text me that they want to work things out? Because your brain has mapped them as a reward pathway. But that's not love, baby. You're just hoping that uncertainty will be metabolized as hope.

• 10:01Sabrina Zohar?

  You're just hoping that if they come back and tell me I'm okay, then I'm safe. If they come back and tell me they want... Because you're hoping that this person chooses you. And that you have now said, I'm only safe if I have them. That's the reward pathway. The reward pathway now needs to transition to, I'm good because I have me. Whether they come back or not, ain't my fucking problem. I don't want someone that has to break up with me to realize what they lost in order to come back. I want someone that loves me so much, thinks I'm so amazing, that they would do anything to fucking lose me. Because if you have to lose me in order to remember and realize what you had, then baby, you ain't for me. I'm a prize, I'm a top of the line. I do not need to convince someone or beg someone to choose me, because then, baby, I'm no longer choosing myself.

• 10:43Speaker 00

  Fall never arrives all at once. First the air, then the light. And slowly, the things you love begin to find each other. A jacket meets a dress. A hoodie slips beneath a blazer. An old cap finds a new scarf. Because you don't simply step into the season. You create it, layer by layer, until it finally feels like fall. Find fall your way at Ross.

• 11:11Sabrina Zohar?

  Let's talk about what happens when you adapt. Because a lot of us, my mama has always said, be careful what you wish for, because when you get it, are you gonna know what to do with it? Helen, we love her. I loved her episode last week, or this week. What am I talking about? It was on Tuesday. I don't know what day it is. I love her. And Helly is always right. I'm sorry. But when you start getting what you wanted and you panic, the habanella, we love the habanella, and disappointment aversion. So there's a part of your brain, the lateral habanella, suppresses dopamine when an expected reward does not arrive. In a healthy relationship, there's no crisis to solve. So the habanella stays quiet and your brain interprets that quiet as something is missing. That was a light bulb that went

• 11:52Sabrina Zohar?

  off for me. Oh, my God. There's not actually something missing in my relationship. But I am not getting that dopamine because there's no crisis to solve. This person's consistent and they're reciprocal. They're predictable. Baby, that's conditioning. It's like self-sabotage. We call it self-protection, right? When you finally have what you want, a lot of people end up blowing it up. Or we hear like, why can't I just receive it? But a lot of people blow it up because if you do, you're in control. So it's not about like sadomasochism. You're not doing this because you're like, man, I love pain. Stick it in harder. Well, maybe that part you say to somebody. Could be. But that's your nervous system. Your nervous system is choosing the hell it knows over the heaven it doesn't. So you're gonna go over the pain that you know versus the safety that you don't, because then you're in control.

• 12:37Sabrina Zohar?

  I know that honestly, I was doing that with my book launch. I was, I gotta be honest with y'all, scared, terrified. Thank God, I'm on the other side of it at this point. But I was so worried that I would create these narratives, these stories of like, I can't do this, and I can't create, and I can't do this, because I was in control. And I can control what's going out, but I can't control what's necessarily coming in. And I had to stop and realize, like, again, this isn't just in relationships. You could do this at work, with your friends. How often, man, have I told you that when I used to text a guy and be like, you know, let's say he would be like, oh, how's your day? And I'd be like, oh, you wanna hang out? And if he didn't answer for 15, 20 minutes, I'd be like, hey, guess not. Girl, bitch, don't be so thirsty. That's why, the unofficial rule I have in dating, if you have texted somebody and they haven't answered, and you fucking try to text them again to remind them that you exist, I need you to put your

• 13:22Sabrina Zohar?

  phone down. Because if this person is busy, don't worry, baby, they'll get back to you. And if it's three, four, five, six days, two weeks, and they haven't responded to you, I don't need you to consistently repeatedly texting them so that they can remember that you're there. Because if you can go days without texting me when we just started dating, and you're not trying to make a plan or see me, then baby, I don't need you in my life anyways, because I want people that would never forget to fucking contact me, not somebody that could go days without even remembering I exist. I told you, this is gonna be such a meaty science episode, because I love it. I wanted to find some new studies. The ventromedial prefrontal cortex and identity threat. So your brain stores self-relevant narratives. So if I'm the one who has to earn love as part of your identity, a relationship where you do not have to earn love creates identity dissonance. And that's when your brain's

• 14:07Sabrina Zohar?

  like, uh-uh, uh-uh, we gotta create problems, baby. We gotta restore homeostasis. That's why a question I love to ask my clients when I'm working with them, who do you get to be without this narrative and story? Who does Sabrina get to be if she's not the hot mess? If she's not the girl that can't figure it out? If she's not the one that doesn't make my... Oh, wait, I'm a successful, driven, responsible, confident, adult woman who makes shit happen, who helps other people, who is living her dream life? You know why that feels so scary? That goes against the very grains of who I believe that I actually am. No, I lied to you. Fuck that. It's not who I believe I actually am. It's who I was taught that I am. I don't believe that about me. I see little sap. I think she's fucking awesome. I think she has the bee's knees. I dedicated my entire book to her because

• 14:51Sabrina Zohar?

  she deserves nothing less than to be seen, heard, understood for who she is, not for who people believe she should be. So you get to get rid of this, of like, I'm the one that always gets left, or gets abandoned, or no one ever wants to be with me. You're a victim of your own circumstances at that point. And I say this, and you know I say this with love, you can't, you can't help someone who perceives themselves as a victim in every circumstance. You see how I've chosen my words very carefully? Of course, someone that's victimized. That's when I'm talking about that. Like, let's get rid of the like, what? What'd she say? No, I'm talking about someone who perceives themselves as a victim of every story. Well, they did that to me, and they did it, and you, and you, and you. It's the same people that come into my fucking show being like, you need to change how you talk, and you need to stop talking so fast, and you need to stop cursing. It's like, no,

• 15:33Sabrina Zohar?

  no, your discomfort doesn't need to be my fucking problem. Who do you get to be without that? Who do you get to be? You get to choose. And I hope you that you now make choices that align with the version that you're trying to become, baby. Another audience question, why do I stay when someone is clearly not meeting my needs? Well, because think about it. You leaving would require updating your prediction of who you are and what you deserve. That's actually harder than staying. The hell you know is safer than the heaven you don't. Your brain is always here to keep you safe, not designed to help you grow. And so if you are always the person that is, I'm never gonna find somebody, and da-da-da-da-da-da, and the narrative and the story and the blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, that would require you to go, no, actually, I do deserve better. That's why when I ask anybody of like, do you deserve, every single time, without fail, when I say, do you think you're worthy and

• 16:18Sabrina Zohar?

  deserving of love? Of course I am. And I'm like, but then this is who you're with? This is what you allow and accept? Because somebody that believes that they're deserving and worthy of love would never put up with low effort bullshit. Someone that believes they're worthy and deserving of love would demand consistency, reciprocity. Baby, you think I have this relationship because I stumbled upon it? I molded this relationship because two people that were intentional and consistent and showing up every single day built this relationship. Healthy relationships are built. They're not just given to you. You have two people. I molded my partner. Baby, you think that hair came from him? That's me. Told him to grow it out. You think the has stunning little outfits that he wears? That's mama. You think the communication that he has with me is just because he's just this

• 17:01Sabrina Zohar?

  emotionally available man? I demanded nothing less, and he met the occasion, and vice versa. I have learned to sit in the discomfort. I have learned that my partner can't validate and satisfy every single need of mine. I have learned that because he has been very clear that that's also the relationship he wants. So stop listening to this nonsense on the internet that tells you, like, healthy relationships should be healthy, and relationships shouldn't be anxiety inducing, and relationships shouldn't trigger you, bitch. They are fucking lying to you. I don't know one relationship that doesn't have any issues. And if that's what you think life is, go back to ChatGPT then, because it's the only place that you're gonna get coddled enough to where you don't actually have to work for anything besides just getting what you want as an output. Again, no shade if you use ChatGPT. I'm just saying, it's probably not helping you all that much. Right? I'll get off my soapbox. But also because AI is like immediate, and then people don't realize that humans aren't.

• 17:45Sabrina Zohar?

  Anyways, okay, sorry, for another day. So what happens when you get what you wanted and go back? So you return to the cigarette, or the situationship, or the X, or the green dot, whatever, right? So of course, there's repetition compulsion. That's your nervous system recreates familiar relational scenarios in an attempt to master what originally overwhelmed it. So it's not that you're addicted to them, but you're trying to finish an old story. Like, I could, right? I could blow my whole relationship up. I'm like, I'm going back to the narcissist's chow for now, bitch. I work on that in therapy, girl. I do not need to do that with my partner. That's the last thing I wanna do, honestly. It's taken me this long to feel good about myself. You think I need to now go blow that up? No, we're good. We're good. But realistically, what it's about is I've healed that on my

• 18:29Sabrina Zohar?

  own. I don't need to heal that through a relationship. And then, of course, intermittent reinforcement. You guys know, we talk about that all the time, because partial reinforcement schedules produce the most persistent behavior. So a partner who is sometimes available, and sometimes not, keeps you hooked longer than someone who is always there or always gone. Slot machine. You wouldn't keep going to the fucking casino if you always knew what was gonna happen. This one I thought was really interesting. Oxytocin and separation distress. I loved this. Oxytocin rises during reunion, but also during separation and distress. That is why absence can feel like love, because your bonding system is activated by the threat of loss, not by the safety of presence. Don't forget that. And we've

• 19:12Sabrina Zohar?

  talked about the salience network. Like, after heartbreak, your salience network becomes hyper-focused on your ex. Anything that reminds you of them gets flagged as, oh, my God, it's important. Remember that song we liked? And this is the park we used to go to, and this was his favorite cologne, and she loved this media magazine. I don't fucking care. But that's why you stalk, and you check, and you reread, because your brain has decided this person is survival relevant. It's not because of them. And that's the point of this. Why do you keep doing the same things? Because it serves a purpose. It serves a purpose. It serves you staying in the same place. It serves you not outgrowing it. And baby, it's not conscious. So don't think I'm sitting there being like, ooh, poo, poo. Girl, I do it too. As if I'm not guilty. But now that we understand it, what do we

• 19:56Sabrina Zohar?

  get to do with it? Because a lot of the questions you guys asked were very like, why can't I get over them? Why can't I get over them? Why am I so stuck? Why am I so stuck? And they didn't choose me. It's like, your, your brain doesn't just turn off like a switch. So your salience network doesn't just like, that's it. It turns off through repeated disconfirmation. So every time you look and you keep stalking them, you reinforce that salience nap, that map, right? The like, one-way ticket to this is safety. And I know, a lot of you guys will keep reaching out. It could be a friend. It could be that you're trying to get an answer from somebody consistently, a family member, right? Especially like months after something ends. But rejection activates the same neural regions as physical pain.

• 20:37Sabrina Zohar?

  So reaching out is your attempt to stop the pain, not a sign that you love this person. You're trying to get rid of it. That's why you guys will be like, no contact's really hard. Yeah, choose your fucking hard. As my brother always said, do you wanna be uncomfortable for six to eight months now, or for the rest of your life? You get to choose. Maybe it's a little longer than six to eight months. Maybe it's a year. You get to choose. But I don't wanna fucking hear this nonsense of like, I've been addicted to them for five years, and they've moved on, and they're married with kids, and I still think that they're the one. You're kidding yourself. And maybe if you're in a relationship, right? Because I wanna hold space that some of you guys are. Some of you guys are in relationships, and that's the point of this show, is that everybody is welcome. And we're going to expand and talk about things outside of just dating, dating, dating. But maybe if you're in a relationship, you have to remember, you guys keep tripping over the same fights.

• 21:22Sabrina Zohar?

  You keep having the same shit that keeps coming up. We have to look and say, how does this benefit me? Not just, what am I trying to get rid of? How does this benefit me? It keeps me distant from my partner so that I don't actually fully get hurt. Ooh. It could keep me so that I reaffirm my core beliefs. I want you to remember that your partner is on your team. And if they're not, I don't want them to be your partner.

• 21:45Speaker 00

  Fall never arrives all at once. First the air, then the light. And slowly, the things you love begin to find each other. A jacket meets a dress. A hoodie slips beneath a blazer. An old cap finds a new scarf. Because you don't simply step into the season. You create it, layer by layer, until it finally feels like fall. Find fall your way at Ross.

• 22:13Speaker 02

  Kayak searches and compares hundreds of travel sites. But unless I repeat the word kayak, kayak thinks you won't remember that. So kayak asked me to say kayak as many times as possible. Kayak. Kayak. Kayak. Kayak. Kayak, kayak, kayak. Kayak. Search and compare travel deals with kayak. Got that right.

• 22:33Sabrina Zohar?

  So let's say now you return to familiar, but now you're changed. So maybe you find, maybe you kept dating the same type of person, but now you catch yourself. You see the loop. You don't just do it blindly. So interoceptive awareness, most people don't know they're triggered until they're ready in the trigger, in the text thread, in the fight. The work is noticing your body signaling the behavior. That's why it is so important to stop for a motherfucking second and start to look and say, where am I feeling this? Where am I feeling this? Because neuroplasticity requires error plus attention. So acetylcholine and neoprenephrine need to be present together for new patterns to sick. That's why you can't just think your way out. You have to feel discomfort and stay conscious through it.

• 23:18Sabrina Zohar?

  That's a big thing of why I'm saying like, set your clock, set your clock for a few minutes. It could take eight to 10 weeks of recalibration. Your nervous system needs repeated, novel, safe experiences to update its prediction. So one date is not going to rewire you. One good week does not rewire you. Consistency over month is what shifts the default mode network. And you have to remember, that's why it's repetition. And so some of you guys will listen to one episode and they're like, that's it. And it's like, no, baby, come back every week. Let mama keep reminding you of these things because they compound over time. But it's not just here, it's here. It's here, it's making choices. Like, it's interesting because when I was on a podcast today, she said, everybody sees this version of you, but tell me what it took you to get there. And I was like, well, I thought you'd never ask.

• 24:03Sabrina Zohar?

  Every single guy I dated, heterosexual norm, that's what I date. Every guy I dated, it could be every girl you date, every man you date, please know, I don't know why everybody seems to think this show is just for women. It's for men too. Notice how I never say the guy you're dating, it's the they. But every guy I dated, I implemented something new. It didn't mean it always worked out, but, so like with this one guy I was dating, and he was lovely, there's nothing wrong with him, but I wasn't feeling it. We had dated for a few weeks and we had hooked up. And like at first I was like, oh, you know, it's fine. Like he's nice and date him. And then, you know, you're just like, I don't really care to see him. Like it wasn't like the sex was anything wrong. I just, I wasn't like excited to hang out with him, you know? And I was just like, all right, he's a nice guy, but you don't need to convince yourself.

• 24:46Sabrina Zohar?

  And I remember I was like, I remember he had text me and he goes, oh, someone's quiet. I didn't hear from you. And I was like, mm, sorry. And I remember sitting there going, okay, Sabrina, you could end it by going, you know, I'm not ready for a relationship. And I was like, no, dude, stop fucking going for the easy way out. And I was honest with him. And I said, I just think you're such a lovely human. I'm just not feeling the romantic connection I want to feel at this time with this long being with you. And he was like, no, I totally get it. Thank you so much for being honest. He was like, I think you're fucking awesome and it's okay that it didn't work out. That was a corrective experience to my nervous system. Spoiler alert, not everyone's great to break up with, right? And like, that's the issue. I talk a lot about what you deserve and going and getting that. But we also have to remember that there's another lived experience, that there are some people like, hey, spoiler alert, maybe they're not avoidant, maybe you're also a nightmare.

• 25:31Sabrina Zohar?

  And I say that with love as somebody who was a nightmare, because it wasn't always that they were avoidant. I just like, wasn't getting a hint or my behavior was too much, or I would go fucking irate. Like I said, if you guys saw some of the comments and the fucking messages I get, you'd be like, girl, no wonder you don't read them. Because so many people do not have emotional regulation. I'm not saying that to you, but I am saying a whole space for that, that somebody's lived experience doesn't necessarily need to be ours. And we don't have to diagnose and fucking pathologize people, but we can say, listen, you know what? They chose to ghost. I don't need to understand it. Two conflicting thoughts. They can ghost me and I can hate that feeling, but I also don't need to fucking get an answer from them. I don't, because you think the person that hurt you is suddenly going to be the one that heals you? You think the person that ghosts you and they're like, oh yeah, by the way, I was too much of a little of a man or a woman, or I was too scared to be honest.

• 26:16Sabrina Zohar?

  And so I just removed myself and you're like, okay, cool. I assumed that. I didn't need you to tell me that because I just deduced that. Maybe it is something legit. Like I said, if you see a pattern, if you've been ghosted once and you're like, bah, that sucks, shitty, right? Your cry, feel it, be bummed, let yourself feel it. But if you see a pattern and every single person you date keeps ghosting you, baby, we need to start to look at what's happened right before. Were you meeting these people? What's happening? I'm not saying it's your fault, but I am saying that maybe you're playing a part. Present company included. Texting somebody 173 times is surefire a way to get you ghosted. Hi, that's me, in case you were wondering. So I say this all with love, but I know a lot of you guys are missing people that might not be healthy for you or craving things, but that doesn't mean that those people are right for you.

• 27:00Sabrina Zohar?

  That just maybe means that your bonding system was activated by intermittent reinforcement and now you're in a withdrawal. So don't forget that. So let's talk product of the week. I am so excited. Obviously it's my book, duh. We've got like four days left to make the New York Times list. If you have not, let me just say this, if every single person that listened to the show preordered, I'd make the list instantly. So I'm looking at you, who, if you're listening or watching me, this is your sign to go to any bookstore on the planet or on Amazon or Barnes and Noble or Target or any book, Barnes and Books-A-Million, no, all of them, just get the fucking book. Give it to your friend. I don't care. Get the audiobook, but the hardcover, baby. That's how I make the list. But obviously that's, that's product of the week because we've got four more days and I really want to make the list, but it's okay. Right? It's okay.

• 27:42Sabrina Zohar?

  But my other product is something I discovered, Hormones Corumbles. Not sponsored, just love it. So Hormones Corumbles is a protein candy, 10 grams of protein, zero grams of sugar. I am obsessed. I bought the multi-pack on Amazon. I did, I did. I sent it to my doctor and she already bought some. This is unbelievable. The caramel whipped new, oh my God. This is my naughty little treat at night because your girl is a six-year-old that loose in a grocery store and I love candy. But I was like, baby, you can't be eating like dog shit. You're in your 30s now. Like, girl, you ain't losing that weight that quickly. Hormones Corumbles. I'm telling you, you can get them on Amazon. I'll link it in the show notes. You will not mistake getting these. Now I get it. It's annoying to have to buy, you know, a bunch of them. Give them to your friends if you don't like them, but I don't think you won't, baby.

• 28:27Sabrina Zohar?

  They're so good. And who doesn't need more protein? I do. All right. Tool of the week, tool of the week, the 90 second interoceptive pause. This is the tool. It's not a journal, it's not an affirmation, it's a body practice. I want you to start getting in here, my babies. So three times a day, same times. I don't care if you have to set an alarm, do what you need to do. When it goes off, stop for 90 seconds and ask yourself, what state am I in right now? Am I activated? Like, is my heart racing? Is my chest tight? Is my mind running fucking laps? Am I feeling restless? Am I maybe shut down? Am I foggy or disconnected or numb or just feeling this like weight? Am I regulated? Am I feeling like settled and present and breathing without effort? Name it out loud, right? You don't need to try to change it.

• 29:12Sabrina Zohar?

  You don't need to judge it, just name it. So the reason that this works is disorganized and insecure nervous systems swing between states with almost no real time awareness. You can't change a state you can't track, babes. So after a week, you'll start to see the pattern. You reach for your phone when activated, you withdraw when shut down, you push people away, like good people away when regulated feels too unfamiliar. This is it, baby. This is the foundation. Now you get to build on top of it. You have to remember, you don't break the patterns by just being good. You break them by being bored, by being uncomfortable, by choosing the unfamiliar thing and doing it anyways. The new choice is the only proof that you have changed. You get to see all that I've built. This is proof that I have changed, not by me just talking about it, not by me being like, yeah, just play the good girl.

• 29:57Sabrina Zohar?

  No, there is no reward for that. There is no, I say this to you guys all the time. If you are vulnerable with someone, there's no group chat. There's no group chat of them being like, oh my God, did you see this lame ass? She told me she misses me. Ain't nobody knowing. It might, it feels catastrophic. You don't have reviews. Trust me, it's okay. Try something new and then start to look at how your life will change. That is how you know that you're doing the fucking work, baby. Because you start to notice things in your environment changing. But nothing changes if nothing changes. My babies, I love you. Thank you for another week of being here with mama. Let me know what you think. Don't forget to leave it in the comments. Don't forget to preorder the book. Leave a five star review on Amazon, on Goodreads, on Barnes and Noble, anywhere you get it.

• 30:40Sabrina Zohar?

  Five stars, babes, please, please, please. I spent two and a half years writing this thing, so go easy on mama. And I hope I don't disappoint you. I hope you'll love it and I hope that we are going to come back next week. Follow along, subscribe so you never miss an episode because we build on them every single week. And this is our safe space together, my angels. I love you to the moon and back. Thank you for everything. Follow along on social, everything and everything. I'll be linked in the show notes. And until next time, my angels, mama, I'll see you soon.

• 31:17Speaker 00

  Fall never arrives all at once. First the air, then the light. And slowly the things you love begin to find each other. A jacket meets a dress, a hoodie slips beneath a blazer, an old cap finds a new scarf. Because you don't simply step into the season, you create it layer by layer until it finally feels like fall. Find fall your way at Ross.