758 Finding Love and Thriving in Relationships

RELATIONSHIPS ARE OUR GREATEST TEACHER. It’s Valentine’s Day. Whether you’re single or in a relationship, it’s a good time to reflect. You have to get clear on what you want in a partner. Be specific. Otherwise, you’ll keep repeating the same patterns over and over. If you’re dating or married, do you treat that other person with respect? Do you listen to them and value them? Finding the right person isn’t the end of the story. You have to work hard to make that love grow. That’s why, on today’s episode of The School of Greatness, I reflect on what I’ve learned from my past relationships over a coffee conversation with my close friend, Cesar. Cesar and I talk about finding love and thriving in love. I’ve learned a lot over the years because I’ve messed up a lot. Now, I’m sharing what I know with you. Love yourself, love life, and get ready for a special Valentine’s Day relationship tell-all on Episode 758. In This Episode You Will Learn: Who I’ve learned the most from (4:30) Early dating stories from when Cesar and I were roommates (6:00) Three keys to finding love (11:00) Why generalities are keeping you down (33:00) Three steps to thrive in love (40:00) Why you need the courage to end relationships that are no longer working (57:00) Get more from Lewis! Get my New York Times Bestselling book, Make Money Easy! Get The Greatness Mindset audiobook on SpotifyText Lewis AIYouTubeInstagramWebsiteTiktokFacebookX

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Lewis Howes?

  This is episode number 758, Valentine's Day special, Keys to Finding Love and Thriving in Love.

• 0:09Lewis Howes?

  Welcome to the School of Greatness. My name is Lewis Howes, a former pro athlete turned lifestyle entrepreneur. And each week, we bring you an inspiring person or message to help you discover how to unlock your inner greatness. Thanks for spending some time with me today. Now let the class begin.

• 0:34Lewis Howes?

  Welcome to a very special Coffee Conversations. I've got my good friend Caesar in the house, who hasn't been on here in a while. We decided to come on and talk about dun dun da, the relationships. Yes. Talking about some of our previous relationships, the biggest lessons we've learned, and how to find the right love for you, and how to thrive in that love. And I wanted to start with a quote, I saw this on Instagram recently, by Beau Taplin. "The one thing I know for sure is that feelings are rarely mutual. So when they are, drop everything. Forget belongings and expectations. Forget the games, the two days between texts,

• 1:17Lewis Howes?

  the hard to get because this is it. This is what the entire world is after, and you've stumbled upon it by chance, by accident. So take a deep breath. Take a step forward. Now run. Collide like planets in a system of a dying sun. Embrace each other with both arms and let all the rules, the opinions, and common sense crash down around you. Because this is love, kid, and it's all yours. Believe me, you're in for one hell of a ride. After all, this is the one thing I know for sure." Oh, that gives me goosebumps when I read that. You deserve the love of your life.

• 2:01Lewis Howes?

  You deserve the person that you admire, that you respect, that you, that you just fall in love with. And you deserve to find someone that feels the same about you. Anything less, there's got to be some challenges. There's going to be challenges even when you find that person. But when you don't have the foundations right, and you picked the wrong person, or picked the person that doesn't meet these six criteria that me and Caesar are going to talk about.

• 2:30Lewis Howes?

  Then it's gonna be more challenging, more issues, more anxiety than are necessary. And trust me, there's no greater feeling than being in love, than being loved, than loving someone else, than doing something good for someone else. There's no greater feeling than having that mutual respect, that mutual admiration, that mutual feeling. But like this quote said, feelings are rarely mutual. So when they are, drop everything. Forget all the games and all the rules. Just go. It's gonna be scary when you feel that, but you gotta go. And in this interview, we talk about the discussion between me and Caesar. We share some of the crazy experiences we've had in our past relationships, some of the

• 3:12Lewis Howes?

  mistakes and things we did that were wrong, some of the things that other people did wrong to us, and open up. We really open up about a lot of these different things. What's happening in the climate right now for people in relationships, and the six key points for finding the right partner, and then thriving with the right partner. And if you miss out on these six keys, then, and you get into a relationship for the wrong reasons, it's most likely going to end out poorly, and not as, and not as good as it could be. So, get ready. Let me know if you enjoy this one. This is the first time we've really dove in and talked about relationships in such an intimate, eye-opening way. So,

• 3:55Lewis Howes?

  let me know what you think of this one. Share with your friends, LewisHowes.com/758. We'd love to hear your thoughts. Tag me at Lewis Howes, and let me know if you want more on relationship talk from myself, from Caesar in general. Let me know. We want to be of service to you and add as much value as possible to you. Again, thank you to our sponsors today, and let's go ahead and dive into this, the Relationship and Valentine's Day episode.

• 4:25Lewis Howes?

  Romance is in the air, relationship tell-all. Caesar is in the house, coffee conversations. Cheers to you, my friend.

• 4:34Speaker 01

  Cheers.

• 4:35Lewis Howes?

  It's been a great year so far.

• 4:38Speaker 01

  January's down.

• 4:40Lewis Howes?

  January's down, it's freaking Valentine's Day. Valentine's Day, and you asked me yesterday, you said, you know what? We should do a special relationship tell-all, where we reveal everything we've learned about relationships, talk about some crazy experiences we've both had in the past in relationships. Talk about how to find a great love, a great intimate partner, how to keep a thriving relationship going. I think we've both gone through instances in relationships where we've maybe found some people, maybe it was the right time, maybe it was the wrong time, wrong person. We've been in long-term relationships. You've been in challenging ones, long-term, me as well.

• 5:22Lewis Howes?

  And I thought we'd just share, a couple of guys in their mid-30s.

• 5:26Speaker 01

  Couple of mid-western boys.

• 5:28Lewis Howes?

  Mid-western boys who've learned some things, still don't know it all.

• 5:32Speaker 01

  We're 35, can you believe that?

• 5:33Lewis Howes?

  Dude, I'm only 36.

• 5:35Speaker 01

  You're gonna be 36.

• 5:35Lewis Howes?

  In a month, March 16th.

• 5:38Speaker 01

  No, that's great.

• 5:39Lewis Howes?

  Pisces all the way, and...

• 5:41Speaker 01

  And they say with age comes wisdom, so.

• 5:43Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 5:44Speaker 01

  You know?

• 5:45Lewis Howes?

  And I feel like now that I'm wiser, I'm older, I feel like I've had time to reflect on the different things from multiple relationships for the last like 15 years. I learned that there was a pattern that of the type of relationships that I've been getting into over in my past. There was a pattern of the type of people. There was a pattern of how I was showing up in those relationships. I've learned a lot, and I want to share some of those things today.

• 6:14Speaker 01

  I think the great thing is I've seen you really go through a whole new self-discovery with yourself, which I'm really proud to say I'm seeing you kind of just step into almost learning again. I know you have so many amazing guests on this podcast talking about relationships and business and life and, you know, successful strategies on life, successful strategies on business, relationships. So, seeing you continue to elevate your game, seeing you continue to... Rise above the noise and and just try to elevate yourself as a human being. It's been powerful to see.

• 6:47Lewis Howes?

  I'll tell you what, man, relationships, someone told me this years ago that relationships are our greatest teacher. So it doesn't matter like how many incredible people we've had on this show. The greatest teacher we will have of always is relationship with other people and the relationship we have with ourselves. That's what I've learned the most. Pete, someone asked me today, who are your top three guests you've had on? Like the biggest lessons you learned? It's hard to always say like the top three because I feel like I learned something from everyone. But the greatest teacher is always when I listen to my heart, when I listen to my mind, when I listen to the struggle that I face inside, it's like, just listen to it. You learn from your inner wisdom more than anything else, I think. I don't know.

• 7:27Speaker 01

  I like that.

• 7:28Lewis Howes?

  And we go, I mean, I see, you've seen me for the last, what, 13 years now?

• 7:32Speaker 01

  13.

• 7:33Lewis Howes?

  2014, you've known me?

• 7:34Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 7:35Lewis Howes?

  Is that 13 years or almost 14? Something like that.

• 7:38Speaker 01

  Close to 15 years.

• 7:40Lewis Howes?

  I've seen you go through some crazy relationships and stuff. For those who don't know, me and Caesar used to live together.

• 7:46Speaker 01

  Oh, my goodness.

• 7:47Lewis Howes?

  Above a a music hall. It was like a jazz salsa dancing music club. And we lived in an apartment that was 250 bucks a month. We split 125 each. We split 125 each a month.

• 8:01Speaker 01

  Thanks to your brother.

• 8:02Lewis Howes?

  My brother, yeah, he hooked it up for us. He knew the owner of this like music hall. It was like this loft for artists that would come up there. Becky, she was incredible. And we lived above this club. I met you. I think you were dating someone like long distance first when I met you. Gosh, we don't, we're not here to talk names. We're not here to say anything like that. This is not what this is for. This is to talk about positive things, what we are grateful for, what we learned.

• 8:31Speaker 01

  You know, it's funny, when you, when you go back to past relationships, I'm sure there's been upset and hurt and anger that honestly I've forgotten about from past relationships. I think of like, you start to go back to the good times. The stuff you start to think about is, man, I remember that trip we took or I remember the the fun experience we had for the first time together. I have to say, in college, I had a lot of fun relationships and you gave me a lot of great feedback back in the day.

• 8:58Lewis Howes?

  What was my feedback?

• 8:58Speaker 01

  I remember there was actually one relationship, you just flat out called it. Like as it was, you're like, this is not a good relationship for you.

• 9:07Lewis Howes?

  This is dead, this is gonna die.

• 9:08Speaker 01

  Yeah, this.

• 9:09Lewis Howes?

  Suffocate you.

• 9:10Speaker 01

  This is, you're almost.

• 9:11Lewis Howes?

  It's gonna kill your dreams.

• 9:14Speaker 01

  You got, you got a little too hype, I would say.

• 9:16Lewis Howes?

  One of the relationships, I got mad at you.

• 9:18Speaker 01

  You got so mad.

• 9:19Lewis Howes?

  I got mad at her.

• 9:20Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 9:21Lewis Howes?

  Remember?

• 9:21Speaker 01

  Call us both out. I think we were standing at the top of the stairs and you're just like, this relationship is not working.

• 9:30Lewis Howes?

  I was giving honest feedback thirteen, fourteen years ago. I remember, because we were roommates and we lived in a one, it was a one room. It was a big room.

• 9:37Speaker 01

  It was a bit, yeah. It was like just a huge loft. It was pretty awesome. It was, well, it was a, it was a former firehouse and it was the hay loft that was converted into

• 9:46Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 9:46Speaker 01

  this single loft apartment.

• 9:48Lewis Howes?

  I actually loved it. It had this huge sliding door window, this wooden door. Sliding out to see all of downtown Columbus, which isn't like this thriving metropolis or something, but it was cool for us.

• 9:57Speaker 01

  And it wasn't private because you and I, for that, not, not even a year that we lived there, it was my final semester of college, and you were basically taking up the full-time study of salsa dancing.

• 10:08Lewis Howes?

  I was studying salsa like a machine, dude, every night.

• 10:12Speaker 01

  And I just, I remember I had like three credit hours to finish. We just spent tons of time watching football, going out, just living.

• 10:22Lewis Howes?

  Dancing.

• 10:22Speaker 01

  Living the life. I mean, I remember at that moment, you were like, you need to just let go of studies and just focus on experiencing life and I have to say, I learned a lot that final semester, just kind of living in that space and learning from each other, learning from the relationships you were in at that time, relationships I was in at that time. It was a heck of a lot of fun, but that experience of you giving honest feedback.

• 10:46Lewis Howes?

  To both of you.

• 10:46Speaker 01

  Was probably the first time in my life that I actually got direct feedback, because I had never been to therapy, you know, relationship therapy. I think I was, what, twenty-two years old? I've experienced my high school sweetheart, my college sweetheart and all that sort of stuff. I think I was more of a serial monogamist.

• 11:02Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 11:03Speaker 01

  At the time, and you were just like, this is not working.

• 11:05Lewis Howes?

  And she was right there.

• 11:06Speaker 01

  And here's the thing, both of us, I think, realized in that moment, but we had chemistry, we enjoyed each other's company.

• 11:12Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 11:12Speaker 01

  And I have to say, I was actually just talking with somebody about this. That relationship ended pretty amicably.

• 11:18Lewis Howes?

  Did it?

• 11:19Speaker 01

  Yeah, I think it was just, it really did. We both realized we wanted different things in life and we kind of just gracefully let go. And that's, that's not typical. That's atypical in a relationship. Typically, it's one side wants to go and the other one doesn't.

• 11:32Lewis Howes?

  And then one person hates the other person.

• 11:34Speaker 01

  And then it causes this huge problem.

• 11:36Lewis Howes?

  And it's a mess.

• 11:37Speaker 01

  Exactly.

• 11:37Lewis Howes?

  And it never looks good on that person when they do that. But I have three points to finding love. Matt Caesar, we call him Caesar, his name is Matt. He's got three points for thriving once you have love. Once you've created, found the love, three points for thriving in love. And the first point that I have for finding the right partner, because you can find anyone. You know, there's tons of these apps. I've never done any of this like app stuff, this dating stuff, right?

• 12:05Speaker 01

  Right, right.

• 12:05Lewis Howes?

  There's tons of these apps where you can just find anyone you want who's attractive. And go on a date with them and be with them.

• 12:12Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 12:13Lewis Howes?

  And it feels good, it's fun, it's natural, whatever. But the first point for me is knowing what you want. These are really three simple things that I have. And this is like common sense. Everyone knows this, but sometimes we get into relationships for the wrong reasons. We get into it because we're, we're having fun, we're attracted to the person. Maybe they're a beautiful person, they're handsome. Maybe they've got a quality we really like about them that we're curious about. Maybe they make us feel a certain way. And so we're like, oh yeah, let's just keep doing more of hanging out.

• 12:41Speaker 01

  That's fun. I mean, that's part of learning. I think that's a nice thing. I look back on my relationships, you kind of learn about yourself as you're in relationships.

• 12:51Lewis Howes?

  You're not gonna know who you are until you have experiences.

• 12:54Speaker 01

  Of course, of course.

• 12:55Lewis Howes?

  So it's all good.

• 12:56Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 12:56Lewis Howes?

  Have experiences, meet people, date people.

• 12:59Speaker 01

  Yeah, I think, I mean, it was like Esther Perel, like somebody's like, oh, how do I find that person? I think the question that she had, and I'm paraphrasing.

• 13:06Lewis Howes?

  Go find lots of people.

• 13:07Speaker 01

  And she's like, why kill that mystery, that beautiful experience of not going, oh my gosh. It's like a contract. Oh, you know exactly what you're getting. People don't go into a relationship signing a contract, knowing exactly what the other person is gonna do and what they won't do and all this sort of stuff.

• 13:22Lewis Howes?

  That's not fun.

• 13:23Speaker 01

  That's not fun, no.

• 13:24Lewis Howes?

  It's not curious, it's not mysterious.

• 13:25Speaker 01

  Can you imagine if that was the experience?

• 13:26Lewis Howes?

  You know exactly what you're gonna get.

• 13:28Speaker 01

  No, that's the beautiful thing about love. It's supposed to be. I mean, when you fall in love, it's not supposed to be planned, right?

• 13:34Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 13:34Speaker 01

  It's the whole idea of falling in love.

• 13:36Lewis Howes?

  Unexpectedness of it is what brings the magic to the story of the relationship also. It's just like, I wasn't expecting this.

• 13:44Speaker 01

  Right.

• 13:44Lewis Howes?

  And this incredible person just fell in my lap somehow, or we bumped into each other. It was serendipitous, or

• 13:50Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 13:51Lewis Howes?

  one thing ended and something unlocked a new possibility.

• 13:54Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 13:55Lewis Howes?

  And you're like, I was not expecting this.

• 13:56Speaker 01

  Totally.

• 13:57Lewis Howes?

  This is crazy.

• 13:58Speaker 01

  Right.

• 13:58Lewis Howes?

  And that's where the magic happens.

• 14:00Speaker 01

  I agree. But you're right. I mean, further to your point, you've got to know what you want. You've got to know what fulfills you. You really, I mean, it's like know thyself. I mean, you really have to take that self-discovery, self-exploration, finding out yourself and kind of go with it. So I think you're also allowing yourself, by knowing yourself, you're allowing yourself to be a stronger person in that relationship for your partner, for your spouse, for your boyfriend, girlfriend.

• 14:26Lewis Howes?

  And I think sometimes you don't know what you want until you find out what you don't want.

• 14:30Speaker 01

  Of course.

• 14:30Lewis Howes?

  Sometimes you've got to go on dates and date people and be in relationships and realize, ah, this isn't what I want.

• 14:36Speaker 01

  Of course.

• 14:36Lewis Howes?

  And it's okay to end something.

• 14:37Speaker 01

  Yeah. Same thing in the workforce. I mean, you go into a job, it's like, sometimes you're like, wow, I don't like this job. I don't want this job. I don't want to do this for the rest of my life. I mean, it's part of the human experience.

• 14:47Lewis Howes?

  Exactly. The second point that I have is, this is huge. This is what I've learned is my pattern, is find someone who is aligned with what you want, to your dreams and to the vision you have for your life. I think it's really hard. I've been with incredible women.

• 15:06Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 15:06Lewis Howes?

  Every relationship I've been with, they're incredible women. Some of them don't end up well in the past, but they're incredible people and I continue to focus on the good and want the best for them, even if I feel like your relationship's from five, 10 years ago or something, or whatever, ended horribly. I don't need to speak to those people because you saw what happened, what they put me through and some of these people, not everyone.

• 15:30Speaker 01

  I've seen, I mean, at least the last almost 15 years, I've seen all your relationships that you've been in.

• 15:35Lewis Howes?

  You've seen some craziness.

• 15:37Speaker 01

  Of course. I mean, that's what love, love can sometimes get a little crazy. I mean, it really can. Yeah.

• 15:42Lewis Howes?

  It's crazy. But so you need to find someone who's aligned with what you want. So what I've realized now, moving forward in my life, that if I'm ever gonna be in a relationship, I need to be fully aligned to what they want, to their dreams, to their mission. And I need to know that they're fully aligned to my vision and mission, my dreams. Because for me, dreams are important. Living a lifestyle that I want is important. Living kind of like a life that is not a typical life. That's what's important to me. And you've got to find a partner, man or woman, or any partner, who is willing to support your dreams. Because when we feel like someone doesn't support our dreams, and they constantly make you wrong for your dreams.

• 16:26Lewis Howes?

  They constantly make you wrong for who you are. They constantly tell you that's not okay. They're insecure, they're jealous, they're angry for you chasing your dreams. It's gonna make you really resent them and resent the relationship. And you're gonna say, why am I, what am I doing this for?

• 16:40Speaker 01

  And that inevitably will hold you back.

• 16:42Lewis Howes?

  Hold you back.

• 16:43Speaker 01

  And the same goes true for any relationship in your life.

• 16:46Lewis Howes?

  Partnership, family.

• 16:47Speaker 01

  Business relationship, family especially, of course.

• 16:50Lewis Howes?

  Career, you wanna be with a company. If you're working with a company, that supports your growth.

• 16:55Speaker 01

  Right, and you want people working for your company that are aligned with the type of growth you want to see.

• 17:01Lewis Howes?

  And aligned to your vision.

• 17:02Speaker 01

  That's right.

• 17:02Lewis Howes?

  If they're not supporting the mission of the company, the mission of your life, the mission of your family, it's gonna hurt you, it's gonna hold you down. So I have learned that I take responsibility for every relationship I've been in. Anything that hasn't worked out, I take full ownership and responsibility.

• 17:18Speaker 01

  Yeah, well, I'll stop because that's a great point right there. I have to say, you know, your mom actually has shared this with me multiple times. She now lives in my building, you know? And it's powerful to have her as an extra support person. I mean, my family's in Ohio, Kendra's family's in Ohio. Kendra being my wife. So, I mean, ultimately, she shared with me this, this, it's not even a question, it's just like, it's a declaration. What if you declared that, and I hope I don't botch this, sorry, Mama House if I do, but what if you declare that you're gonna be 100% responsible on whether or not your relationship works out or it doesn't work out?

• 17:58Speaker 01

  And in that declaration, like, listen, I realize someone else's actions, those are their actions. You, you can't be a hundred percent responsible for their actions. But if you're declaring that you individually are going to be a hundred percent responsible for whether or not a relationship works out, that does wonders for you. It frees you from, I mean, a lot of upset that could be causing the relationship. Then the blame game starts, then the petty arguments start.

• 18:22Lewis Howes?

  And then the not forgiving and then you're always holding on to the past. When I say I take responsibility, I take responsibility for everything I've created in the relationship, for what I've created, for relationships that I've stayed in too long, for relationships that I've made mistakes in, for relationships that I've done things I'm not proud of, for getting into the relationship. It's a choice I make to start a relationship.

• 18:43Speaker 01

  Sure.

• 18:43Lewis Howes?

  If I don't choose it, the relationship isn't going to happen.

• 18:45Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 18:46Lewis Howes?

  If the other person doesn't choose it, then it's not going to happen for me on my side, right? So for me choosing to be in the relationship without clearly saying, this is what I want, and is this person aligned to what I want? And do they fully accept me for who I am? So I take full ownership because a lot of the past relationships that I've been in, they didn't meet those first two things.

• 19:08Speaker 01

  Mm-hmm.

• 19:09Lewis Howes?

  It wasn't fully what I wanted. I wasn't fully aligned to their, all their mission and vision, and they weren't fully aligned to mine. So why, so that, so what I'm able to recognize now, looking back at all my past relationships, why did I choose those relationships? Why did I choose those? I've figured out patterns of why, but go ahead.

• 19:27Speaker 01

  And that's, that's so important. I mean, I think people, they also get caught up in the why a little too much. The why is important for, for you to understand for yourself.

• 19:36Lewis Howes?

  So you don't make the same mistake again. You're trying to do better, better, better things in the future.

• 19:40Speaker 01

  Yeah, I think ultimately, in relationships, the other side gets focused so much on the why they did that, why did they do that? Why, why, why? I think that's, that's a hurtful pattern.

• 19:52Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 19:52Speaker 01

  It also will inevitably hold you back. Focusing on the why for yourself, I mean, that's further to your first point.

• 19:59Lewis Howes?

  Taking responsibility.

• 20:00Speaker 01

  That's it.

• 20:00Lewis Howes?

  Taking ownership.

• 20:01Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 20:01Lewis Howes?

  And saying, why did I choose this? Why did I create this?

• 20:05Speaker 01

  Sure.

• 20:05Lewis Howes?

  What's the pattern in my past? Or what am I, feel like I'm missing? Or what am I trying to help? As I look back at all my relationships, they almost fall under one category. They fall under the same category of pattern that I take. Want me to share with you what that pattern is? Let's hear it. Maybe Caesar won't want me to share this publicly, but I'm gonna share it. The first pattern is, as I continue to reflect back, I'm like, why did I do all this? Why did I create this? And how can I be responsible? So I don't make these mistakes in the future. They're all beautiful individuals. Beautiful people. Beautiful souls, hearts, and beautiful people. And I choose to see the best in everyone. I see the masterpiece in people.

• 20:50Lewis Howes?

  It's kind of like my blessing and my curse is I think I always see like the greatness inside of someone, right? So they're beautiful. I was attracted to them as individuals. Beautiful. Second thing they all had in common is they had like an extreme gift or talent that I recognized in them. That usually they did as well, but I saw something. They had some type of gift or talent that I was attracted to. And I was like, man, that's really cool. That they worked that hard to build this gift and this talent. Because I believe greatness, you hear me talk about this all the time, is discovering and cultivating your true gifts and talents to pursue your dream. And in the pursuit of that dream, making an impact on people around you. You're probably not gonna like me saying this publicly.

• 21:34Lewis Howes?

  But the third thing that I noticed Matt's like covering his face. The third thing that I noticed was that they were confident to an extent, but they didn't fully believe in themselves. They didn't fully believe in themselves. And I saw their beauty. I saw their talents and their gifts. But I didn't feel like they saw it within them. And it really, it hurt me as a human being, I think, because I wanted them to see how beautiful and talented they were. And I think my pattern, looking back now, able to reflect on all these relationships I've been in, I noticed that, I think I always wanted to help these individuals believe in themselves more.

• 22:16Lewis Howes?

  No coincidence, the work that I do is helping people believe in themselves in my career, my business and our work. It's like, how do we get people to believe in their talents more? And I think I was trying to do that in my relationships. I was trying to say, listen, I'm gonna be here, I'm gonna lift this person up, I'm gonna elevate them, I'm going to build confidence in them, I'm going to give them all the security, I'm gonna help them grow, I'm gonna see how magical they are, how talented they are, how beautiful they are. So hopefully they can see that within themselves to 100%. Again, some of them saw it a lot, some of them saw it a little more, but they didn't see it 100% and I just wanted them to.

• 22:53Speaker 01

  Of course, I know, I know, I know.

• 22:56Lewis Howes?

  And I think the challenge was, usually after six months, a year, this leads into the third point. The third point is to focus on growth in your relationship. Each person growing individually and then as a partnership, growing together.

• 23:12Speaker 01

  Of course.

• 23:13Lewis Howes?

  You know, these women are different experiences of life over the last 15 years, right? All these relationships of the last 15 years. But I felt like they weren't as committed to growing as fast and as much as I was. Doesn't mean they weren't growing.

• 23:27Speaker 01

  Let me tell you, you're an athlete too, so I understand your mindset. Listen, and I operate your business, so I realize how you're operating at an optimal level beyond what is, I guess, normal, I would say. You're always pushing more every day. What can we do, Matt? What's the next step? What can we focus on to further our mission, further our vision for our business? And I love that. I mean, it's part of, I think, that athlete mindset. I mean, your mom, she always goes back and she's like, I hear you guys having these almost ping pong matches always going on in the office. And I think it's part of our growth mindset. We want to continue to elevate, climb that mountain. It's just, it's part of that. I mean, what would you say?

• 24:10Speaker 01

  What would you say you learned about yourself? When you kind of discovered these three things that you just talked about?

• 24:15Lewis Howes?

  I think I was. I was getting into relationships because. Because of those three things. I was attracted to them, their personality or their beauty.

• 24:27Speaker 01

  Sure.

• 24:27Lewis Howes?

  I was attracted to their talent. And I think I was also attracted to. I wouldn't say I was attracted to it, but I think I just felt like in me, I wanted to help them grow. I wanted to help all these past relationships I've been in. I wanted to say, you deserve to see how amazing you are. You deserve to see how talented you are, how beautiful you are. And I feel like a lot of them lacked that confidence. They lacked that. They couldn't take a compliment. You know, a lot of them. Again, there were different ranges, so I'm not trying to put them all in the same category. But it's a common theme that at different points, I'd be like, man, you're beautiful.

• 24:58Speaker 01

  Right.

• 24:58Lewis Howes?

  You're so talented. And a lot of them would say like, no, I'm not. Or say, no, stop saying that. They would constantly reject. Love. They would constantly reject the masterpiece that I saw in them, the beauty that I saw in them and their talent. And after six months and a year. It was very tiring for me. It'd be like, gosh, I can't keep elevating and constantly saying these things when someone says, no. Stop. I'm not those things. I don't believe that. It's like, man, it gets, it starts to wear me down.

• 25:28Speaker 01

  It certainly can. My mother, I just, some of this stuff is coming to me as you're talking, but. There are relationships that I was in in the past and, you know, you get advice from your friends, your family, the place you seek counsel. My mom would say, you know, Matt, you gotta be, be on a mission. Be less of a missionary. I think that's, that's the way the.

• 25:47Lewis Howes?

  Be on a mission, be less of a missionary. What's the difference?

• 25:51Speaker 01

  You know, it's that idea of when you found that partner that is growing with you. Instead of you always feel like. And it could be you in the relationship. You're holding the relationship back. Some of the conversations you're having about self-worth or. Whatnot, whatever.

• 26:08Speaker 01

  It's finding that alignment with your relationship. And it's not an easy thing to find, you know?

• 26:12Lewis Howes?

  Very challenging.

• 26:13Speaker 01

  It's finding somebody that's going to grow with you. You're going to continue to challenge each other, elevate each other, hold each other up. And I have to say, it's just part of what I've seen you and your personality over the years of knowing you. You're a fearless individual.

• 26:26Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 26:26Speaker 01

  That's not an easy thing to be.

• 26:29Lewis Howes?

  To be around.

• 26:29Speaker 01

  To be in a situation with the utmost confidence, to be in, I mean.

• 26:34Lewis Howes?

  Someone who's constantly growing, putting themselves out there.

• 26:37Speaker 01

  Absolutely.

• 26:37Lewis Howes?

  I could.

• 26:38Speaker 01

  People are so fearful of failure at the end of the day. Fearful of their relationship failure. It goes down to the same business or sports practice in a relationship sometimes. Like, people are just terrified. They fixate and focus on the failure of something rather than what it could be if it's the best, the most beautiful, the most amazing relationship you can create together.

• 26:58Lewis Howes?

  And listen, in no way, I'm just reflecting on three things that I see as a pattern that a lot of these past relationships have had. In no way am I saying that I've been perfect in every one of my relationships.

• 27:09Speaker 01

  Believe me, I know you.

• 27:10Lewis Howes?

  I bring a lot of challenges. I bring a lot of my own issues, a lot of.

• 27:14Speaker 01

  Sure.

• 27:15Lewis Howes?

  My past, the present, everything, future worries. I bring a lot of stress to a relationship too. If, if the other person doesn't know what they want and I'm not aligned to what they want as well. If those first two don't work up. So that's why it all makes sense. Like, if you don't know what you want, the relationship is probably going to suffer. If you're not aligned to the other person and what they want, and they aren't aligned to you, it's probably going to suffer. And if you add that the growth isn't happening, if you're both not growing individually and together. For me, when the first two were off, I was just like, and we're not growing. You know, in a lot of my past relationships, it was like, then your mind starts to think outside. You're like, oh, is this the right relationship? Should I be in this?

• 28:00Lewis Howes?

  Is there better, is there something else out there for me that's better? Is there something else that's better for this person that I'm with? Are we right for each other? Or are we just not aligned and we should go our own ways? And I think my challenge, again, the athlete mentality, since you brought it up, is I always try to make it work. Right, I think in relationships we're like, let's just try to make it work. Every relationship has challenges. They all have something.

• 28:25Speaker 01

  Whatever the defense gives you, we gotta find a way as an offense.

• 28:27Lewis Howes?

  Find a way.

• 28:28Speaker 01

  To break through that defense.

• 28:29Lewis Howes?

  That's it, find a way to score.

• 28:31Speaker 01

  Of course.

• 28:31Lewis Howes?

  Find a way to win.

• 28:32Speaker 01

  Right.

• 28:32Lewis Howes?

  Find a way to make it work. And I think in every relation, you've seen this with me, like I, to a default, I try to give so much to make the other person happy. I'm a people pleaser, right? I don't like when someone's mad at me.

• 28:45Speaker 01

  Of course.

• 28:45Lewis Howes?

  It's not fun. So I will sacrifice my dreams, my desires, my health, my life, my time, to give to the other person.

• 28:54Speaker 01

  Sure.

• 28:55Lewis Howes?

  And that's great if that person's aligned to you, if they're exactly what you want, and they focus on growth.

• 29:02Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 29:02Lewis Howes?

  You're gonna have to sacrifice, you're gonna have to commit to someone, you're gonna have to give up things.

• 29:06Speaker 01

  Of course.

• 29:06Lewis Howes?

  To make the other person feel loved and these things, to make it work.

• 29:09Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 29:10Lewis Howes?

  Can't be one-sided.

• 29:11Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 29:11Lewis Howes?

  But I think I was in the wrong relationships every time, where I knew in my heart, I just didn't listen to the inner voice.

• 29:19Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 29:19Lewis Howes?

  I knew I would talk about, every relationship I've been in, I've talked to you about challenges. No matter if it's like a six month, four years, whatever, you would hear me talk about these things, and you knew, when it was like, alright, this isn't the right fit anymore. And you would see me stick it out for three months, six months, a year, two years sometimes.

• 29:37Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 29:37Lewis Howes?

  And just say, I'm gonna keep giving. I'm gonna keep trying to make it work. I'm gonna keep trying to be a good guy. I'm gonna stick it out and show that I'm committed.

• 29:45Speaker 01

  That's a normal, that's a normal thing in relationships, trying to, trying so hard to make something work. Even though I think when you listen to your heart, you know, if there was something, whether it was just a small something that was making you question, you know, before, you have to really listen to your intuition, I know that's.

• 30:04Lewis Howes?

  Got to listen.

• 30:05Speaker 01

  That's, it sounds trippy.

• 30:06Lewis Howes?

  It's so hard, here's why it's hard, because you can be in a relationship that you know isn't work, isn't working, it isn't gonna work long-term, but it feels good. You get connection, you get intimacy.

• 30:18Speaker 01

  Comfort too.

• 30:18Lewis Howes?

  There's comfort, you've been, you've been through a lot with that person for a few months, a year, years. You feel, they come home, you see each other, you, like there's goodness still in the relationship, even when you know it's not gonna work, there's still great things about the relationship. And that's hard to let go of, the fear of like, will I find someone who will give this type of love?

• 30:39Speaker 01

  Now you're getting to the root of it, that's it.

• 30:40Lewis Howes?

  Will I find someone, it's this scarcity mentality of like. Are they gonna be as quality as this person? Are they gonna have this quality, or that quality? Right. I'm telling you, when you know what you want, when you focus on growth every single day, and your clarity of your vision, your mission, you will attract the right partner. Right. You will attract it. It's gonna be unexpected. It's gonna come out of the blue. You might need to work for it. You might need to put yourself out there still. But you're gonna attract it when you get clear on what you want. When you focus on growth and making yourself the best. When you're constantly learning, when you're listening to the School of Greatness and you're hearing from the great experts of our time, and you're implementing these things to become better in your career, your business, your finances,

• 31:24Lewis Howes?

  your health, your relationships in general, your family, your mission to the world. You're gonna attract a partner who sees you for who you are and says, "Wow, I already understand this person." They know what they want. They're going after what they want. I'm attracted to that, so I already understand who they are, and I'm aligned to that vision. Because that person's putting their vision out there. So when you work on yourself every day, and your mission and your vision, you will attract a more aligned partner. As opposed to just saying, "I'm going on random dates, and this one feels comfortable. There's some great qualities here. Let's try to make it work." It typically won't work though. Right. I think you know. You know. In your heart, you know.

• 32:09Lewis Howes?

  But I think we get scared. At least, I'll speak for myself. I've been scared in every relationship I've been in to lose the relationship. Sure. Terrified. Even if I know it's not the right fit, I'm still scared to lose the relationship. And I think it wasn't until recently where I realized like, I think I lacked the emotional courage to end things in previous relationships because of fear. Yeah. I think I lacked just the emotional intelligence. I think I still just had to mature a lot in relationships because I didn't want to be alone. So I think I've made decisions based out of fear many times to stay in a relationship because of fear. When I knew in my heart that it wasn't the right fit and I should have gracefully ended things sooner. But man, because I don't listen to my heart,

• 32:53Lewis Howes?

  I haven't listened to my heart in the past. And I try to please partners I've been with. I've gone through some crazy stuff. You saw some stuff 10 years ago, 12 years ago.

• 33:03Speaker 01

  I mean, the only thing I have to say is I've seen you give every possible piece of your heart

• 33:12Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 33:13Speaker 01

  to your partners that I've seen.

• 33:16Lewis Howes?

  To a fault sometimes, like too much.

• 33:18Speaker 01

  Yeah, I mean, you gotta watch you don't also lose yourself in a relationship. I know that sounds again trite, but you know, you have to also have your identity, your individual identity. And some people morph into their relationships rather than being two strong people.

• 33:34Lewis Howes?

  Individuals.

• 33:34Speaker 01

  Having a super powerful relationship together while also having their individual identities. I think that's hugely important in this day and age. And I know the relationship landscape is changing a ton. And that's why we have amazing guests on the podcast that are coming up with some wonderful, innovative ideas on how to approach relationships and dating and business relationships even. I mean, that's what I'm excited about.

• 33:58Lewis Howes?

  Dude, I remember, I remember my, my second, I don't know, I guess you consider my second girlfriend. I was in high school. It was a girlfriend that I was just like head over heels in love with. I love this girl. And I remember we broke up, right? I went to college, she was still gonna be a senior. This is an incredible woman. And we broke up and I remember being such a fricking loser. Like for over a year, I was like in the fetal position in my dorm room.

• 34:32Speaker 01

  Yeah, a wreck.

• 34:32Lewis Howes?

  A wreck. I would call her all the time. I did everything you weren't supposed to do. I would call her all the time and be like, please.

• 34:40Speaker 01

  You pleaded.

• 34:41Lewis Howes?

  Oh my God, dude, I was like so pathetic. And she was like already moved on, man. She was moved on, she was with another guy. I was like heartbroken and I did everything you're not supposed to do. Right? Again, I was what 18, 19. I called her every week. I was heartbroken. I didn't know what I was doing.

• 34:56Speaker 01

  You say not supposed to do, but you learn from that experience.

• 34:58Lewis Howes?

  This is the thing, I learned from it.

• 34:59Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 35:00Lewis Howes?

  I learned from it, but I was like, man, I was calling. I was trying to show up sometimes and be like, please, you know, I was like, it was sad. Writing love letters, like please, all this stuff that's like, ugh, that's just pushing someone away.

• 35:11Speaker 01

  Breakup stories, oh my gosh.

• 35:12Lewis Howes?

  That's pushing someone away. And I learned after that, that breakup, I was like. Never again am I gonna do something like this where it drags on for this long. Because it just, I felt miserable the whole time. I pushed myself away from her. Like she put, I pushed her so far away from me by doing that. If there was any chance for us, me doing those things would not give it a chance. So I learned early on, like, you can't do these things in a relationship after a breakup.

• 35:39Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 35:40Lewis Howes?

  But then, man, you saw me, you met me after this.

• 35:42Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 35:43Lewis Howes?

  You met me. I mean, I'm not here to name any names or anything because I've had, they're all great people I've been with. And I always say I want the best for them, even if they've done things to me that I feel like are horrible.

• 35:55Speaker 01

  You have.

• 35:55Lewis Howes?

  I want the best for every person I've been with because I've loved them. I've given my heart and time to them.

• 36:00Speaker 01

  And you're focused on the positive things that were created for them. At the end of the day, when, when a relationship's over, let it be over.

• 36:06Lewis Howes?

  Let it, or give it some space and time, at least.

• 36:08Speaker 01

  Give it space, let it be over, and don't commit to conversations. Don't commit to gossip or...

• 36:16Lewis Howes?

  Drama or back and forth.

• 36:17Speaker 01

  Absolutely. You're doing a disservice to yourself. And also, I mean, this day and age, so you have to be playing a bigger game, a more elevated game, where you don't subject yourself to the drama and garbage.

• 36:30Lewis Howes?

  Gossip and rumors.

• 36:32Speaker 01

  It's just garbage. It's conversation.

• 36:34Lewis Howes?

  Where people have no clue about what's actually happened in a relationship.

• 36:37Speaker 01

  People don't. I mean, a relationship is between two people.

• 36:41Lewis Howes?

  And the only two people who will actually know what is really going on are those two people.

• 36:46Speaker 01

  The two people that lived it.

• 36:47Lewis Howes?

  The two people that lived it.

• 36:48Speaker 01

  And even then, one, one side's truth is just one side's truth, you know?

• 36:52Lewis Howes?

  Exactly.

• 36:53Speaker 01

  And the other person has their truth. And somewhere there in the middle, you'll typically find the truth. Here's another, just suppose, and this, this comes from your mom.

• 37:02Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 37:02Speaker 01

  Which I love this. Suppose we had the freedom from the weight of the significance we put in, put in and on our relationships. Suppose we had freedom from the weight of the significance we put on relationships. So the second part and

• 37:19Lewis Howes?

  So this is part two, this is Caesar's part. I have three pieces of advice for finding the right love, which is know what you want. Find someone who is aligned with what you want and you're aligned to what they want in your life. And focus on growth. I think if you do those three things, you at least set yourself up with a foundation that allows for magic. You still need to find the right match and everything, but those three things, if you don't have those three things, I think the relationship will suffer. Doesn't matter how you, how you meet that person or anything, but these next three steps are how to thrive when you find the right person.

• 37:53Speaker 01

  Yeah, and it's, it's simple for me. I mean, simplify, simplify. It, it just supports me in business, in life, as a father, as a husband, as a friend, as a contributor to my, to my family. I like to simplify things, so bear with me. I'm, I'm just gonna say that the three things I want to talk about as it relates to thriving, at least for me, is in any relationship, as well as my, you know, my relationship with my wife and I, is effort, listening, and forgiveness. It's as simple as that.

• 38:24Lewis Howes?

  Effort, listening, forgiveness.

• 38:26Speaker 01

  Effort, listening, and forgiveness. And we'll kind of dive in deeper with, with those topics, but I think for the first effort, I mean, you have to put forth effort. This year, you challenged me at the beginning of the year. What am I gonna do for my relationship?

• 38:42Lewis Howes?

  Well, you said a baby a year and a half ago, almost.

• 38:44Speaker 01

  Yeah, my daughter's a year and a half old.

• 38:46Lewis Howes?

  And I think, you know, I don't have kids, so I can't necessarily relate, because I haven't gone through it, but I've, have lots of friends who have kids and I hear these stories. And one of the things I say, how do you keep a thriving relationship? A lot of them say you need to have a date night once a week. It's a non-negotiable mandatory. In your first year of baby, it's all about the baby, you're focused on that.

• 39:07Speaker 01

  It's a little chaos.

• 39:08Lewis Howes?

  Chaotic, and you don't have time necessarily. Well, at least that's the conversation you say, the story you tell yourself. And I said to you, man, like, I, you know, for selfish reasons, I need you to have good energy this year.

• 39:19Speaker 01

  Of course.

• 39:20Lewis Howes?

  For the business. If we're gonna hit our goals, you gotta be on point. And that means your marriage has to be, at least the effort has to be.

• 39:26Speaker 01

  We're all about the holistic approach here. I mean, you know, I mean, we talk about At least even on our team calls, what individual goals we have for each other on our team calls. So again, you challenged me, what am I gonna do for my relationship? And I

• 39:39Lewis Howes?

  I said every week you have a date night, right?

• 39:41Speaker 01

  Every single week, we're gonna have

• 39:43Lewis Howes?

  Two hours?

• 39:44Speaker 01

  Two hours minimum that my wife and I, just us, will spend time together. Whether it's dinner, or going out with friends, or getting a babysitter.

• 39:53Lewis Howes?

  No baby, though.

• 39:53Speaker 01

  Taking a walk. No baby.

• 39:55Lewis Howes?

  And you were saying, well, I wanna do everything with baby, and like as a family.

• 39:59Speaker 01

  As a, it was obviously my perspective.

• 40:02Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 40:02Speaker 01

  Well, why wouldn't we just do that together? But it's very important. I also had to listen to my wife in this situation. She wanted alone time for her and I.

• 40:10Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 40:10Speaker 01

  And that's important for me to hear what her wants and needs are. So

• 40:15Lewis Howes?

  Which goes into step two.

• 40:16Speaker 01

  Which goes into step two.

• 40:18Lewis Howes?

  Listening, right?

• 40:19Speaker 01

  Listening.

• 40:19Lewis Howes?

  So effort is number one.

• 40:21Speaker 01

  Yep.

• 40:21Lewis Howes?

  You gotta put in the effort, do things maybe you necessarily wouldn't wanna do, to keep it thriving.

• 40:26Speaker 01

  Of course. And that's, that's effort not only toward yourself, but also toward the other person in the relationship.

• 40:32Lewis Howes?

  And you're doing something this year for yourself, you're taking on a marathon, the LA Marathon.

• 40:36Speaker 01

  Oh, my goodness, yeah.

• 40:37Lewis Howes?

  So you're doing effort for yourself, too. You're not just putting effort in the relationship and saying, I'm gonna let my health go to crap, I'm gonna let myself go to crap. I'm putting effort in myself, so I can be more attractive to my partner as well.

• 40:49Speaker 01

  That's right. I mean, effort's key in any relationship. We've all let friendships die, we've all let, you know, business relationships kind of

• 40:56Lewis Howes?

  Fade.

• 40:56Speaker 01

  Fade away. It's about the effort you continue to put in. That's gonna dictate how important or powerful that relationship stays. So, yeah, number two, listening. This is powerful, cuz you brought up the marathon, and this, this actually kinda brings me to another point. You know, I remember my wife came to me after I had declared to the whole team that I'm gonna run the marathon in, I think, seven weeks' time. And, and that was kind of absurd. I mean, I'm in good shape, but I'm not in marathon shape, so it's gonna take a lot of time and energy for me to get into that shape. So my wife, I remember she was asking me, she goes, well, you know, do you realize how much time it takes to prepare yourself for a marathon? And so I was really trying to listen to what she said. And I think what she was saying, beyond worried about my, you know, health

• 41:41Speaker 01

  and my physical ability to be able to complete a marathon, was, do you realize how much time this potentially is gonna take away from you and me, and

• 41:50Lewis Howes?

  The family.

• 41:50Speaker 01

  The family, and my daughter, and spending time together. So, in that moment, I said, well

• 41:58Speaker 01

  I need to obviously reassess this conversation. And then I came back and was like, well, I'm going to make sure it doesn't impact the time that we're spending together, the time that I'm spending with, you know, as a family unit with our daughter. And I'm gonna have to take it upon myself to get up extra early and put that extra effort into something that I'm doing for myself. So in that moment, I could have been like, yeah, don't worry about it. I'm gonna figure it out. I'm gonna train for this marathon and, you know, if I break my body a little bit, I'm gonna break my body a little bit. But I think there was, there is, what I'm saying is, by listening, I realized there was deeper meaning there. She was worried about the time that it could potentially take away from, from us. So that was important for me to hear.

• 42:42Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 42:42Speaker 01

  So anyways, I mean, again, listening.

• 42:45Lewis Howes?

  Listening. So I think, I think all these points make sense for yourself and for the partner.

• 42:49Speaker 01

  Yep.

• 42:50Lewis Howes?

  Put effort into your own growth.

• 42:52Speaker 01

  Yep.

• 42:52Lewis Howes?

  And effort into the relationship growth and to the partner. Listen to your heart and listen to what your needs are and listen to your partner and the relationship. And then the third part is?

• 43:02Speaker 01

  Third part is forgiveness. I mean, this is cornerstone.

• 43:05Lewis Howes?

  Huge.

• 43:07Speaker 01

  I'm a Christian man. I believe in the power of forgiveness. That's one of the core principles of Christianity is forgiveness. So I, I think for me, if we don't forgive, we allow the, the blanket of the upset and anger and hurt to forever cover us. I mean, it doesn't allow us to be free. It holds us back.

• 43:29Lewis Howes?

  It hurts us and the partner and the relationship.

• 43:32Speaker 01

  Of course.

• 43:33Lewis Howes?

  And you're unable to grow if you're holding on to anger from the past. You're unable to focus on growth because you're always holding on to something that's weighing you down. So if you try to grow, you'll always be reminded, but this person did this to me. And I haven't forgiven them yet, and I'm gonna always remind them of this. And I'm gonna make their life miserable and my life remissible.

• 43:53Speaker 01

  Right.

• 43:54Lewis Howes?

  Doesn't mean you have to forget what they did or something. But forgiveness is not about the other person. It's about you. It's about giving yourself peace so you can be free.

• 44:03Speaker 01

  Forgiveness is a lot easier, in my opinion, than forgetting. Obviously, time heals.

• 44:08Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 44:09Speaker 01

  For sure. But when you forgive somebody, not allowing that.

• 44:14Speaker 01

  Whatever you had to forgive that person for, not allowing that to come up and using that as ammunition in a future argument, or allowing all of these things that you've forgiven your partner or whoever for, allowing them to continue to come back up whenever you guys get upset, or having, you know, some sort of disagreement in the present or in the future is absolutely key.

• 44:35Lewis Howes?

  I was talking with a group of older men, they were in their 50s, and all of them were married, or they've been married for 25, whatever, plus years, right? And I was 15 or so years younger than them. I was having this conversation and I was just listening, listening and asking questions. I felt like I was on the school of greatness, just asking them questions, but it was like these incredible men. And they were saying, you know, what it would be like to be young again, to be your age, whatever, all this stuff that they say, but I'm like, yeah, but look at all the empires you've built and like, the families you have and all these things, there's always a grass is greener type of thing. And I said, what's the secret to having like a thriving marriage?

• 45:17Lewis Howes?

  Is it possible to have a thriving marriage 25, 30 years down the line with all the distractions happening, with all the desires and wants and needs? Is it possible? And they all said yes. Now, they were all in different stages of their marriage. One was like, to be honest, it's been suffering for a long time, but we have kids and I've decided to like, commit to it and stay in it, even though the desire isn't there for us. But I know it would be a lot worse getting out of it because I would lose my fam, I would lose my kids, I would lose everything, and it's not worth it. Another person, he was like, it's thriving, but you know, I remember back in the day when I was in my twenties and I was single and that fun life and that newness of being

• 46:01Lewis Howes?

  with someone different and all those things, like, I miss that, but my family is amazing, I love my wife, it's incredible. Another guy was like, I desire my wife more now than I did then, like, every year gets better. And I rarely hear that of someone who's been with someone for 25, 30 years who says, every year it gets better. And it makes me like, say like, this is a, this is possible for people.

• 46:27Speaker 01

  Certainly.

• 46:28Lewis Howes?

  It's possible for people to have that, to find that. But it's gonna be very, relationships and marriages are very challenging, even if you have all these points in place. That's why I think it's necessary to have this foundation that we're talking about. It's necessary to know exactly what you want in your partner, to make sure your partner is aligned to who you are and you're aligned to who they are, and you're constantly growing. If you don't have that, it's gonna be a lot more conflict than necessary. Of course. Because you're always gonna be judging the other person and saying, "Why are you doing this? Why are you doing that? Why aren't you doing more of this? You should be doing more of this and less of that." If the person accepted you for who you were and who you were becoming, you wouldn't have those conversations and that anger and that resentment

• 47:12Lewis Howes?

  and that lack of forgiveness. Then when we add your points of the effort, the listening, what was the third point? Forgiveness. Forgiveness. We add those points in, if we have the foundation, and we add those points in, I believe you can have the relationship of your dreams. I think that's the thriving, that's the gentleman who was... Thriving 25, 30 years later. Yes. Focusing on the growth together and the effort you put toward each other and yourself. That's it. You know? He was a super fit guy, he's constantly working, he's still in shape, he doesn't just let himself go and said, "Now I'm in a relationship, I can just take it easy." He's working harder than ever. And I think you keep that desire and that attraction when you work on yourself,

• 47:57Lewis Howes?

  when you do things that scare you, when you go try to master new skills, when you try to learn something new as opposed to just the same thing over and over again, you become more desirable and admirable to your partner. You want someone who admires you. And as much as they admire you, you want to admire them. I remember asking someone else, I said, "What's the secret to being in a thriving relationship, a marriage for long term?" He said, "Respect." I respect my wife. Of course. And mutual respect. Like you admire and respect them for the person they are in the world. That should just be the cornerstone of any relationship.

• 48:33Lewis Howes?

  Yes, this is the one that I like admire to like the fullest. The person I'm like, wow, you're incredible. Where there's that mutual feeling. There's a quote that someone posted the other day that I saw, I'm gonna read it. I forget the guy's name who posted on his Instagram, but it was quoted by Beau Taplin, whoever that is. He said, "The one thing I know for sure is that feelings are rarely mutual. So when they are, drop everything. Forget belongings and expectations. Forget the games. The two days between text messages, the hard to gets because this is it. This is what the entire world is after. And you've stumbled upon it by chance, by accident.

• 49:16Lewis Howes?

  So take a deep breath, take a step forward. Now run and collide like planets in the system of a dying sun. Embrace each other with both arms and let all the rules, the opinions and common sense crash down around you because this is love, kid, and it's all yours. Believe me, you're in it for one hell of a ride. And after all, this is one thing I know for sure." Ooh, Valentine's Day. Valentine's Day, baby. Be in love. Be in love. In love. Yes. Know that it's there. I mean. It is there. It's available. Yeah. And if you follow these, I mean, if you learn from our mistakes.

• 49:59Lewis Howes?

  Me and Caesar have messed up a lot in relationships, but they're not mistakes, they're lessons. Everyone has mistakes, yeah. They teach us something important. They teach us more about what we want and what we don't want. So we can get closer to an alignment of a partnership that works for our desired dreams. That's the key. Keep it simple. As Caesar says, he's got three simple keys to thriving. I've got three simple things to finding the right partner. And even then, there's gonna be some messiness along the way. Oh, there's a lot more. It's a lot deeper than this. But we've got some amazing relationship experts that have talked about this stuff. Amazing experts. We'll have linked up on the show notes. We've got Esther Perel, who is one of my favorites, Matthew Hussey. Both those interviews have blown up.

• 50:40Lewis Howes?

  If you wanna learn more from the experts, go listen to those two episodes right now. We'll probably link up a few more in there as well in the show notes, but. Are you having fun? Dude, I'm having a lot of fun, man. I'm having fun. I'm feeling good. This is fun, man. Life is fun. That's right. Relationships are fun. And relationships are about perspective. They can be this scary. Exhausting, draining, dramatic thing if you want to keep dragging them on. Or you can say, you know what? I'm grateful for everything in this past relationships and previous relationships. I'm grateful for that person I was with, for what they brought out of me, for the lessons they taught me, for the love we had, for the gratitude I have in that person. I'm gonna focus on the good from all my past relationships.

• 51:23Lewis Howes?

  Even though there's been a lot of crazy, I'm gonna focus on the good. And I'm gonna want the best for them, because at the end of the day, I would want them to wish the best for me, even if they don't. And I think if we can continue to love ourselves fully.

• 51:36Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 51:37Lewis Howes?

  Practice patience, practice peace, grace, love. Practice.

• 51:44Speaker 01

  Forgiveness.

• 51:45Lewis Howes?

  Be graceful, be peaceful, lead with love, lead with forgiveness. And have an amazing Valentine's Day. You know what I'm saying?

• 51:54Speaker 01

  Be in love.

• 51:55Lewis Howes?

  Be in love with life. Love yourself, love life.

• 51:59Speaker 01

  Do something different.

• 52:00Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 52:01Speaker 01

  You know, buy flowers if you never have bought flowers. Buy a cart.

• 52:06Lewis Howes?

  Write something.

• 52:07Speaker 01

  Be specific. You know, I mean, talk specifically about what you love about that person.

• 52:13Lewis Howes?

  What you admire, what you respect about the person. Show your gratitude and appreciation, don't just tear them down. That's the key.

• 52:21Speaker 01

  Be specific, don't be general either, you know?

• 52:24Lewis Howes?

  Gosh, any final words, Caesar?

• 52:26Speaker 01

  That's it, I think we've covered a lot, I mean.

• 52:29Lewis Howes?

  We're just getting started.

• 52:30Speaker 01

  Finding love and thriving in love.

• 52:32Lewis Howes?

  Yes, finding love and thriving in love. Maybe, let us know if you enjoyed this. Leave a comment on the YouTube channel, on my Instagram. Send a message to our support email at School of Greatness. Let us know what you enjoyed about this. Share this with a friend on Instagram, you know, tag me, at Lewis Howes. Caesar is not on social media, but you can just tag me and I'll show it to him. If you want me and Caesar to do more conversations like this, this is coffee conversations, but we're doing a relationship spin on it. This is just our perspective as thirty something year old.

• 53:05Speaker 01

  Just a conversation.

• 53:06Lewis Howes?

  Couple of guys who've had some experiences. So if you want to hear more conversations on love, relationships, let us know. And it's been fun, man. Any final thoughts?

• 53:17Speaker 01

  Happy Valentine's Day.

• 53:20Speaker 01

  Love.

• 53:21Lewis Howes?

  Love. The wall behind me says love. All you need is love. And I love you, brother. Appreciate it.

• 53:28Speaker 01

  Love you too.

• 53:31Lewis Howes?

  There you have it, my friends. I hope you enjoyed this one again. I want to hear your feedback. If you want more of this from me, from me and Caesar, send me a message. Share this on your Instagram. The more people that share this, LewisHowes.com/758, the more people that take a screenshot of this podcast, that share it on their Instagram and Twitter and Facebook and tag me, it's going to tell me you want more of this conversation, more intimate, deeper, relationship-type talk. Real talk from real experiences. So let me know. I'd love to hear your opinion and share it with a friend if you think it might help as well. I love you all so very much. I hope this is helpful, valuable, useful information to

• 54:13Lewis Howes?

  support you in your relationships, your life, your business, your dreams. That's what the School of Greatness is all about, helping you reach your potential, overcome challenges and adversity, and give you the tools, insights, and inspiration to thrive in your life. We are here for a reason. It's your duty and responsibility to figure out what that reason is, and we want to continue to support you on your journey. I love you so very much. You know what time it is. It's time to go out there and do something great.