Ep: 268 - Bert Kreischer

This week on We Might Be Drunk, hosts Mark Normand and Sam Morril sit down with Bert Kreischer for one of the most unfiltered conversations yet. Bert comes in full force talking about life on the road, balancing family and fame, and the grind of building a career in comedy. They dive into touring, getting recognized everywhere you go, the comedy mindset, and the heat behind shooting new material at scale. Bert opens up about his Netflix series Free Bert and how the show pushed him into both ridiculous and reflective moments. He also gets real about recent changes in his life, how he approaches comedy at this stage, and what keeps him going when the stakes get high. Mark and Sam bring their signature raw style, pushing back, laughing hard, and finding the funniest corners of every topic. This is one of those episodes that captures exactly why Bert is one of comedy’s biggest personalities. Follow the Hosts and Guest Bert Kreischer Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/bertkreischer Twitter / X: https://x.com/bertkreischer Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/bertkreischer TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@bertkreischer Mark Normand Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/marknormand/?hl=en Sam Morril Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/sammorril See Them Live Get tickets for Mark Normand shows: https://punchup.live/marknormand/tickets Get tickets for Sam Morril shows: https://punchup.live/sammorril/tickets Produced by Gotham Production Studios Producer: Matt Peters Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/mrmatthewpeters Sponsors Boxie Pro The litter that actually works. Odor-free, no fake scents, and incredible clumping. Get 30% off at https://boxiecat.com/WMBD Use code WMBD Shopify Turn your idea into a real business. Start selling today. Sign up for a $1/month trial at https://shopify.com/drunk IQ Bar Clean-label protein bars, hydration mixes, and mushroom coffee to fuel your brain and body. Get 20% off and free shipping. Text DRUNK to 64000 Message and data rates may apply. Quo The smartest way to run your business communications. Try it free and get 20% off your first six months at https://quo.com/WMBD 00:00 Leather Pants & Comedian Fashion 03:13 Stories of On-Stage Outfits & Standup Trends 07:40 Bert's Health Scare: Blood Clots & Flying 14:13 Recovery, Life Changes & Not Drinking 18:59 Gifts Between Comics & Crazy Generosity 21:33 Comedy Friendships, Fame & Keeping It Real 27:08 Comic Success, Growth & Staying Grounded 33:31 Health, Weight Loss, and the Standup Grind 39:22 Processed Food, Obesity & Global Problems 44:54 Political Rants & Crowd Work in Comedy 51:08 Weight Loss Drugs, Eating Habits & Vices 57:59 Friendship, Touring Stories & Missing The Old Days 01:04:24 Comedy Career Highs, Lows & Self-Motivation 01:11:54 Pitching the Show & Behind the Scenes of 'Free Bert' 01:19:56 Showbiz: Casting, Acting, & Industry Lessons 01:27:04 Breaking Through, Finding Your Voice as a Comic 01:34:41 From Struggles to Success: Building Your Brand 01:43:13 Wrap-Up: Free Bert, Future Plans & Goodbyes Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:06Mark Normand?

  Oh, what an entrance. Come on. Leather pants, who have you become?

• 0:14Speaker 01

  Oh, what are you talking about?

• 0:16Mark Normand?

  Oh, my lord. Okay, I'm pumped for this, this is good. Are you a cologne salesman?

• 0:21Sam Morril?

  This outfit was clearly not for us, but I'm excited to get sloppy seconds or whatever this is.

• 0:27Speaker 01

  This is a Seth Meyers outfit.

• 0:28Sam Morril?

  Alright.

• 0:28Mark Normand?

  You're hanging out with Guy Fieri too much.

• 0:30Speaker 01

  Fieri, it's Fieri.

• 0:32Sam Morril?

  Leather pants, leather pants is bold as fuck.

• 0:35Speaker 01

  Dude.

• 0:37Mark Normand?

  How do you get those on, with your sweaty ass thighs? Come on.

• 0:41Speaker 01

  They feel sexy as fuck.

• 0:44Mark Normand?

  Ooh, that's smooth.

• 0:46Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 0:47Mark Normand?

  Damn, that's real cow titties.

• 0:48Speaker 01

  I'm stepping up my road game, I'm stepping up my pant game.

• 0:51Mark Normand?

  Yeah, I guess so.

• 0:52Sam Morril?

  You're shirtless on stage, you can only really get pants.

• 0:55Speaker 01

  Yeah, are we rolling?

• 0:56Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 0:56Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, uh, yeah, you know, when I did Lucky, I was like, I was like, all my thumbnails are identical, it's me in jeans. And shirtless, and so like, they know if you have a new special, because you have a suit on, you know? And so I got...

• 1:09Sam Morril?

  When you fall off, you wore a jorts maybe, that's the fucking fall off special?

• 1:13Mark Normand?

  Oh, jorts.

• 1:14Speaker 01

  Ooh, like a...

• 1:15Mark Normand?

  Or a kilt. That could be fun.

• 1:19Speaker 01

  I got a...

• 1:21Sam Morril?

  That was the Etelle joke, remember for people wearing, uh, kilt, it's pants down, then shit.

• 1:28Sam Morril?

  Oh no, it goes unless you're wearing a kilt, I fucked up his joke, goddammit.

• 1:31Speaker 01

  When I was a young comic, I was walking through, I used to wear Hawaiian shirts all the time. And I was walking through, in the back, at the cellar, and he goes, "Only two types of people wear Hawaiian shirts, party animals or [bleep]. Which one are you?", and you know me, I was like, "I was a party animal."

• 1:47Mark Normand?

  Oh, that's hilarious.

• 1:49Speaker 01

  No, I decided to step up my pants game, because I was like, I was like, so I did it in Lucky, and then on this tour, I've been wearing snake skin, uh, snake skin bedazzled pants.

• 1:59Mark Normand?

  What the fuck?

• 2:00Speaker 01

  Fuck, it's like, why not, you're in an arena, why not step it up a little bit, instead of wearing jeans and, you know? And it's like, listen, if you take yourself too seriously, I would love to go full Eddie Murphy.

• 2:10Mark Normand?

  Oh, full leather.

• 2:11Speaker 01

  Yeah, do you remember Eddie Murphy wore that?

• 2:12Sam Morril?

  Of course, how could you forget?

• 2:13Speaker 01

  But what a, what a statement.

• 2:15Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 2:16Speaker 01

  Like, no one's done, Cat Williams does it.

• 2:17Sam Morril?

  You better be a great comic in that fucking, like, if you, if you're like a, a young comic trying to pull that shit off and you're bombing.

• 2:22Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 2:22Sam Morril?

  A bomb in that suit, you're fucking sweaty.

• 2:25Mark Normand?

  Yeah, Schumer did a leather special.

• 2:27Speaker 01

  Think about it, let's talk about like what comics wear in specials, right?

• 2:31Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 2:31Speaker 01

  So like, I think in all time specials, it's like a, it's like a nondescript jacket.

• 2:35Mark Normand?

  Yep, yep.

• 2:36Speaker 01

  With a shirt.

• 2:37Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 2:37Speaker 01

  A suit's one people wear.

• 2:38Sam Morril?

  Nate is kinda similar too, I feel like.

• 2:40Speaker 01

  Nate, Nate, it's, but it's like, it's almost like you don't want the outfit to speak for yourself, right?

• 2:44Mark Normand?

  Yes.

• 2:44Speaker 01

  But if you're shirtless, why not allow the outfit to complement the conversation?

• 2:49Mark Normand?

  Interesting.

• 2:50Speaker 01

  You know?

• 2:50Mark Normand?

  Yeah, yeah, but I mean, you look like a pro wrestler doing a press tour.

• 2:54Speaker 01

  Thank you very much. By the way, when I wore the, I wore the steak skin ones out, with the, with the top, Owen Hart. No, hold on, it wasn't Owen Hart.

• 3:03Mark Normand?

  Wasn't it Owen Hart?

• 3:04Sam Morril?

  Yeah, no, that's the one who died.

• 3:05Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 3:05Mark Normand?

  Yeah, yeah, I was like, hopefully you're Owen Hart. I couldn't get it out, I said Bret Hart. Sorry, keep going there.

• 3:11Sam Morril?

  We're slow to start this, we're sorry, Bert.

• 3:13Mark Normand?

  We had a couple pods earlier.

• 3:14Speaker 01

  Oh, god.

• 3:15Mark Normand?

  And I want a drink.

• 3:16Speaker 01

  That's the death of podcasting.

• 3:18Mark Normand?

  I know, it is.

• 3:19Speaker 01

  That's the death of podcasting.

• 3:20Mark Normand?

  It's so true.

• 3:21Speaker 01

  When you come in.

• 3:22Sam Morril?

  It's the Owen Hart of podcasting.

• 3:23Mark Normand?

  Yeah, well, it's like fucking twice. Like, I fucked my wife and I'm like, hey, that was pretty good. And she's like, let's go again. I'm like, I got, we're only gonna ruin it.

• 3:30Speaker 01

  And then, and then if I come in and I notice you guys don't have energy and I talk a lot, the comments are like, he wouldn't shut the fuck up.

• 3:37Sam Morril?

  No, no, no, no.

• 3:37Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's, it's crazy.

• 3:38Sam Morril?

  We're here, we're bringing it for you, dude.

• 3:39Mark Normand?

  We're gonna step it up, we got it.

• 3:42Sam Morril?

  We need a drink, let's have a drink.

• 3:43Speaker 01

  I can't, I can't drink.

• 3:44Sam Morril?

  We'll drink.

• 3:45Speaker 01

  Please, oh, you didn't hear?

• 3:46Mark Normand?

  Medication?

• 3:46Speaker 01

  Yeah, uh, blood clots.

• 3:48Mark Normand?

  Whoa.

• 3:49Speaker 01

  Yeah, my legs, yeah.

• 3:50Sam Morril?

  Alright, so we won't drink at a solidarity.

• 3:51Speaker 01

  No, no, no, you drink, I don't give a shit. You know I never cared about that, yeah, bad.

• 3:54Mark Normand?

  You alright?

• 3:55Speaker 01

  And my lungs, yeah. Yeah.

• 3:57Mark Normand?

  Blood clots.

• 3:59Sam Morril?

  Fuck.

• 3:59Speaker 01

  Guys, guys, I'm, I'm saving it for Rogan, so.

• 4:03Mark Normand?

  Is that from drinking or?

• 4:05Speaker 01

  No, it's from passing out on a plane. Passing out on a plane with your leg like this.

• 4:09Mark Normand?

  What?

• 4:09Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's like just inactivity on a plane. I flew back and forth from LA to the east coast about, probably about five times from December 18th to New Year's Eve.

• 4:20Mark Normand?

  Okay.

• 4:20Speaker 01

  And Nashville included, but um, and I got off that, the last flight I had from New York to do Kelly Clarkson. Man, on the plane, I was like, god damn it, my fucking leg hurts. And it'd been hurting for like a week, two weeks.

• 4:34Mark Normand?

  Oh, no.

• 4:34Speaker 01

  All over in different locations. And it was really odd.

• 4:36Sam Morril?

  I gotta get you a peg leg, dude. That'd be fucking sick. That's a good thumbnail, dude.

• 4:40Speaker 01

  Little eye patch, peg leg.

• 4:42Sam Morril?

  Peg leg.

• 4:44Speaker 01

  Dude, I, I was scared when it, when it happened, cause you know it's a blood clot. You don't, you know it's a blood clot immediately.

• 4:50Sam Morril?

  I don't think I would know.

• 4:50Mark Normand?

  I would know that.

• 4:51Speaker 01

  You know.

• 4:51Sam Morril?

  Really?

• 4:52Speaker 01

  No. You a hundred percent know. And then I went in, I was like, it was throbbing at night. And then I, I told my wife, I was like, something's, I woke up at two in the morning to make a drink to go back to bed. Cause I was like, I can't, I have no rest. And um, Leanne's like, I'm taking you to the emergency room. And I, you know, when you go, usually you're like, I'm fine. And I was like, I'm, I wanna go to the emergency room.

• 5:13Mark Normand?

  Whoa.

• 5:14Speaker 01

  And I went in and I told her, I said, I think I have a blood clot. And they're like, you don't have a blood clot. You don't have any of the, the markers are, you're very overweight. Like I'm overweight, but I'm like, I'm not, you gotta be very overweight. Totally inactive. Like those are the markers for blood clots usually. She's like, you, you seem fairly active. And she goes, I think it's your sciatic nerve, which I do have a sciatic problem.

• 5:33Mark Normand?

  Hmm.

• 5:34Speaker 01

  And then um.

• 5:35Mark Normand?

  Is that back?

• 5:36Speaker 01

  Back, like right here. And it shoots down your leg.

• 5:39Mark Normand?

  Okay.

• 5:39Speaker 01

  And I told her, I said, but it's been traveling. It was in my foot. It was on the outside of my foot. It was in my calf. It was on the outside of my calf. It was in my, it was all over my leg.

• 5:46Sam Morril?

  It's torn like a motherfucker, dude.

• 5:48Speaker 01

  I was crazy pain. She comes back, they do a ultrasound and she's like. She's like, you have a significant bug caught in your, in behind your knee. She goes, I didn't see that. She goes, we gotta see if they're in your lungs. And then took me in and then they're like, they're in your lungs. And so then they're like.

• 6:05Sam Morril?

  How the fuck did a tail beat you to fucking this?

• 6:07Mark Normand?

  I know.

• 6:08Speaker 01

  It's, it's just, it's a, there's a guy from CNN, young dude, flew to Afghanistan, didn't move a lot on his plane, I guess. Landed, I hear every blood clot story you'd ever, young guy gets a blood clot, died two days later.

• 6:20Sam Morril?

  But don't a lot of people just sleep on a plane like?

• 6:23Speaker 01

  They do, but I think.

• 6:25Sam Morril?

  It's the angle maybe?

• 6:26Speaker 01

  It's so there's a number, there's, honestly, no one can really figure out what happened. Like they're going like, how did it happen to you?

• 6:32Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 6:33Speaker 01

  And so, I mean, that's where, man, when the internet chimes in, you're like.

• 6:37Mark Normand?

  Oh, don't read that shit.

• 6:38Speaker 01

  Have you ever had COVID? Eleven times. Were you vaccinated? Four times. Were you on testosterone? A ton. Are you, were you inactive on the plane? Drunk, passed out. Alcohol has nothing to do with it, luckily, because that was like my, but, uh, but yeah, it's like all of the above. This guy, he got a blood clot and he died.

• 6:55Mark Normand?

  He's like a in shape guy.

• 6:57Speaker 01

  Yeah. You just, you don't know, I mean, listen, man, some people just die.

• 7:02Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 7:02Speaker 01

  There's no reason they die. It's just a fluke.

• 7:05Mark Normand?

  Wow, there's that one guy who died jogging.

• 7:07Speaker 01

  Embolism in his lungs. DVT, that's what I got.

• 7:11Sam Morril?

  From the plane ride.

• 7:12Mark Normand?

  I'm fly, I've been flying west coast, east coast for like the past three weeks and I'm going to Oregon this weekend.

• 7:16Speaker 01

  Dehydration is a huge thing.

• 7:18Mark Normand?

  Okay.

• 7:19Speaker 01

  It thickens your blood. Coffee, huge thing.

• 7:21Sam Morril?

  I had like six coffees today.

• 7:22Mark Normand?

  Oh shit.

• 7:23Speaker 01

  Dude, the key is.

• 7:24Sam Morril?

  I'm worried about terrorists on planes. I'm gonna need a fucking stewardess to shake me if I pass out.

• 7:28Speaker 01

  Get compression, just get compression socks, it won't happen.

• 7:31Sam Morril?

  Really?

• 7:31Speaker 01

  If you get compression socks, it won't happen. And if you get up, I have to get up every 30 minutes on a flight now. So I get up like a lunatic, like, like almost like I'm, like one of those, uh, those scouts on the planes looking for terrorists.

• 7:42Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 7:44Speaker 01

  Yeah, Marshall.

• 7:48Speaker 01

  But yeah, so I'm not drinking for, uh, oh, indefinitely. I got a, I got a second opinion. All right, I think you're ugly too.

• 7:57Mark Normand?

  Wow, this is crazy. Bird on, no drinking.

• 8:00Speaker 01

  She said to me, I mean, I'll tell you the number. She goes, you're gonna be on blood dinners. And she was like, and this is, she like, it got really serious real quick. Cause I've even posted like a poll on Instagram. Cause everyone thought it was a cramp. It was like, and I was like, guys, am I a hypochondriac or do you think I have a blood clot? Everyone, 95% hypochondriac.

• 8:20Sam Morril?

  God, that would suck if that was your last post.

• 8:22Mark Normand?

  Oh, God.

• 8:23Sam Morril?

  Is this a tumor? That was his last story.

• 8:26Speaker 01

  Do you know what Leanne said to me in the hospital room? Cause I'm, then I get diagnosed with a blood clot and it gets super serious real quick. Then they find him in my lungs and it gets wildly seriously wildly quick. And my blood, my blood pressure's through the roof, my heart rate's skyrocketing. They take me in to do the CT scan, the CAT scan, and they put iodine into my bloodstream. And they're like, they're like, hey, uh, are you allergic to iodine?

• 8:50Mark Normand?

  Oh, jeez.

• 8:51Speaker 01

  And I'm like, I don't know. I don't think I've ever had it. And he goes, well, we'll just find out. I go, well, hold on, what was like, what's like a side effect? And he goes, oh, uh, anaphylactic shock.

• 9:02Mark Normand?

  Oh, my God.

• 9:04Speaker 01

  And I go, can you, can you test it? And he goes, nah, it's just, we put it in. He goes, you know, you're in the hospital, safe is the place to be. So they, he goes, you're gonna feel like-

• 9:12Sam Morril?

  Have you gotten into anaphylactic shock?

• 9:14Speaker 01

  No, I never have.

• 9:15Sam Morril?

  I did once. It sucks. I looked like fucking Hitch in that scene. Your eyes bug out, your throat closed off.

• 9:19Speaker 01

  What was it for you?

• 9:21Sam Morril?

  I was, I'll tell you off air. I don't want to tell people my, my Achilles heel.

• 9:25Speaker 01

  Was it cum?

• 9:26Sam Morril?

  It was cum. God damn it.

• 9:28Mark Normand?

  He'd be dead by now.

• 9:29Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 9:32Mark Normand?

  Damn.

• 9:33Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 9:33Sam Morril?

  But, uh, no, it's brutal, dude. They jammed that fucking EpiPen to your leg.

• 9:38Speaker 01

  Well, what's crazy-

• 9:39Sam Morril?

  You're gonna bird shit on me on the way to the, on the way to the doctor. My mom rushed me to the fucking hospital and they bird shit on me. My mom's like, that's good luck.

• 9:45Speaker 01

  That's good luck. That's good luck. So they go, when they, when they tell you, you're going, they, when you get iodine, they go, your throat is gonna tighten?

• 9:55Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 9:55Speaker 01

  It's gonna get real hot.

• 9:57Sam Morril?

  And by the way, this is like what happens. Yeah.

• 9:58Speaker 01

  And and then you're gonna feel like you shit yourself and you're gonna feel like you pissed yourself.

• 10:03Mark Normand?

  Okay.

• 10:03Speaker 01

  And I'm like, these are all symptoms of anaphylactic shock, I think.

• 10:06Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 10:06Speaker 01

  And he's, how do I know if I'm having anaphylactic shock?

• 10:09Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 10:09Speaker 01

  So they flood me with iodine and then and I feel it and I feel like I shit myself. By the way, I'm naked on this thing with a blanket over my dick.

• 10:16Mark Normand?

  Jesus.

• 10:17Speaker 01

  And then the guy comes up to me, the nurse comes up to me and he's like, I'm in the CAT scan and they stop it. So I'm halfway through. And he just leans in, he goes, hey, man, are you having a heart attack? And I was like, I don't, I don't, I don't know.

• 10:29Mark Normand?

  Why? They added the doctor.

• 10:30Speaker 01

  Yeah, go give me a fucking answer here. You got a lot of questions. Am I allergic to iodine? I don't know.

• 10:34Mark Normand?

  Yes.

• 10:35Speaker 01

  And so, uh, I go, I don't, I don't think I am. And he was like, your heart rate is through the roof and your blood pressure is skyrocketing.

• 10:43Mark Normand?

  Hmm.

• 10:43Speaker 01

  And I was like, dude, I'm having a fucking panic attack. You asked me if I'm allergic to iodine. I feel like I shit my pants. I'm getting a CAT scan. And then he just goes, oh, no, never mind. The phone rings, he answers, he goes, you got blood clots in your lungs. And I was like. And so.

• 10:56Sam Morril?

  In your lungs.

• 10:56Speaker 01

  Yeah. And so.

• 10:57Sam Morril?

  I don't know anything about this. How bad is this?

• 10:59Speaker 01

  Well, they're not as bad. So blood clots can get, it's the embolism where the blood clot explodes, I think, in your lungs that you don't want. I had blood clots in my lungs. I, I mean, I never saw a picture of them. So, but they said they were small. They weren't like, you know, crazy big. But, uh, but then they're like, the lady goes, um.

• 11:18Sam Morril?

  He's burying a soul right now, Mark.

• 11:20Mark Normand?

  Sorry, sorry.

• 11:21Sam Morril?

  He's talking about his medical.

• 11:22Speaker 01

  When you fart in leather pants, it sticks in them.

• 11:24Sam Morril?

  Bert's like, it was stage four. Mark's like, hold on, let me get a look.

• 11:28Mark Normand?

  Sorry, I had eggs for lunch.

• 11:32Speaker 01

  So then, yeah, so then they, they come in, they're like, yo, we're gonna put you on blood dinners. It's really serious. You need to take this very serious. Uh, you need to be on blood dinners. And I was like, for how long? And she goes, six months.

• 11:42Mark Normand?

  Jesus.

• 11:43Sam Morril?

  So you're sober for six months?

• 11:45Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 11:45Mark Normand?

  Oh, my God.

• 11:46Sam Morril?

  You're gonna get ripped.

• 11:47Speaker 01

  I've, yeah, I mean, I guess. I got a second opinion.

• 11:50Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 11:51Speaker 01

  I was like, I was like, hold on. So then I call my.

• 11:53Sam Morril?

  No, take this seriously.

• 11:54Speaker 01

  I call my cardio, what? Hold on.

• 11:56Mark Normand?

  It's good, Dr. Oz.

• 11:56Speaker 01

  My cardiologist and I go, yo, so I got, I'm on blood dinners. And he goes, I think you should be on blood dinners for the rest of your life. I mean, it's not bad. You know, but like a mild blood dinner. And I was like, but wait, can I drink on them? And he was like, listen. I can't like it doesn't really affect I can't say there's any correlation between your blood clots, blood thinners and alcohol, but what I can tell you is you have blood clots in your lungs and in your leg and you should focus on your health to get rid of them and then come back, you know, he goes, come back in three months, we'll take a look at it. Come back in a few months, but I went from crazy pain in my leg, like, I mean unbearable, unbearable, couldn't find comfort sleeping to now, like I took a walk in the park today.

• 12:37Speaker 01

  I've been working out. I don't, I don't feel it the way I did. So the blood and I was on a crazy amount of blood thinners and now I'm on like, just like two a day and no Tylenol and my blood pressure is perfect. I feel great. And that's the problem with not drinking is like.

• 12:53Mark Normand?

  You just feel good.

• 12:54Speaker 01

  You feel fucking incredible.

• 12:56Mark Normand?

  But you also got the Mickey Mantle gene, so you might, you might heal in like half the time.

• 13:00Speaker 01

  I set an appointment for the day after the Super Bowl to get my leg checked.

• 13:02Mark Normand?

  Ah.

• 13:03Speaker 01

  I tried to get in there the day before the Super Bowl.

• 13:05Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 13:06Speaker 01

  Cause I was like, fuck a Super Bowl party.

• 13:07Sam Morril?

  Drinking, yeah.

• 13:08Mark Normand?

  You know, it's weird, you know, it thins your blood is alcohol. So you'd think it would, it would help.

• 13:12Speaker 01

  I think the alcohol, the alcohol isn't bad. It's not bad. It's not bad in the whole scheme of things. What it is, is the alcohol causes inactivity on a plane and you pass out. And I, I think I passed out on my flight from New York to here with my leg underneath me. And like just passed out and, and I had gotten a massage. I'm not saying this is the cause of it. I got enroffed because I thought I had a foot problem and the dude fucked my leg.

• 13:40Mark Normand?

  Oh, that all, I'm sure that added to it.

• 13:41Speaker 01

  That's what they said. They go, I think you probably got injured. So they go to end, end because I was injured and this is like a perfect storm of blood clots. Because I was injured, I stepped up my testosterone thinking it would heal.

• 13:54Mark Normand?

  Oh.

• 13:55Speaker 01

  And so all these things mixed and I had COVID 11 times and I had four vaccinations, but that's, and so, but.

• 14:01Mark Normand?

  And you can't be sitting on that. You're gonna, you're gonna George Floyd that calf.

• 14:04Sam Morril?

  By the way, perfect storm of blood clots. That's Clooney's next movie.

• 14:07Speaker 01

  But yeah, so.

• 14:10Mark Normand?

  I got a glass. I'm having a poor Oso's. I need a drink.

• 14:13Speaker 01

  Yeah, have a drink, have a drink, have a drink.

• 14:14Sam Morril?

  This is like when Ebert lost his face and he was like, eat for me.

• 14:17Speaker 01

  Hold on, it's not like that. It's not like that. What's crazy is I'm in the hospital. I'm in, and this is how, you know, this is how my brain works and you guys know me well enough to know that I'll get made fun of for this, but it is how my brain works. I'm in the hospital. I get the blood clots everywhere and then they leave the room and I, and they don't tell me any diagnosis. They just tell me I have blood clots and Leanne go, and I go to Leanne, I'm like. Yo, this'll fuck the promo up for my TV show. Like, I'm supposed to be hardcore press, flying back and forth every, to promote a show I absolutely love and stand by, and I'm like, this is gonna fuck everything up, and I'm on tour, I'm on the road straight for 25 days, I'm on the road straight, straight, straight, for nine weeks. And I'm like, I'm like, what the fuck?

• 14:59Mark Normand?

  Can you go bus?

• 15:00Speaker 01

  I'm on the bus, I'm on the bus, but I'm not on the bus, like, I gotta fly to Austin tomorrow afternoon to get to my show in Austin, and then, and then, and then, I'm doing a run in Texas, I go back, I'm doing Rogan Monday, and then, and then I'm taking the bus from Austin to Tampa, because I don't wanna fly, I don't, I don't wanna fly. Flying's just a pain in the ass, I gotta get up every 30 minutes.

• 15:23Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 15:24Mark Normand?

  Oh, man.

• 15:25Sam Morril?

  I'm taping my next special in Tampa.

• 15:26Speaker 01

  Are you really?

• 15:27Sam Morril?

  Yeah, Tampa Theater.

• 15:28Speaker 01

  That's the best, Tampa Theater? Love that venue, I fucking love that venue.

• 15:31Sam Morril?

  I know, you're the king of Tampa, dude.

• 15:32Speaker 01

  Oh dude, go in, do, how many shows are you doing?

• 15:34Sam Morril?

  Three.

• 15:35Speaker 01

  Oh, do four.

• 15:36Sam Morril?

  I can't, because they, they were talking me out of it, I added the, the-

• 15:40Speaker 01

  Who's gonna talk you out of it?

• 15:41Sam Morril?

  Well, I added the Thursday show at 8:30, so they, so I wouldn't add a fourth, they were, please don't add a fourth, and I was, just for like, loading the set in, they didn't want me to add a fourth, so.

• 15:50Speaker 01

  Add a fourth and film all of them. I did six on my last special.

• 15:54Sam Morril?

  Damn. I think, I think I can get it in three, I, I think-

• 15:57Speaker 01

  You can get it in three, here's the problem, you're shooting three-

• 15:59Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 16:00Speaker 01

  So you shoot Thursday-

• 16:01Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 16:02Speaker 01

  And then you shoot Friday, two shows Friday.

• 16:03Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 16:04Speaker 01

  It's perfect.

• 16:05Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 16:06Speaker 01

  Your first show's a wash, they're not gonna get it on the first show.

• 16:07Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 16:08Speaker 01

  Don't even worry about that first show, everyone that I know goes, I got it on the first show, the special never was the thing they wanted.

• 16:13Mark Normand?

  No.

• 16:14Speaker 01

  And everyone, because, all the cameramen don't know their angles yet.

• 16:16Sam Morril?

  You put some lime in here?

• 16:18Mark Normand?

  Oh, do we want lime? What is this, Korea? Come on, give us a lime, man.

• 16:23Sam Morril?

  I'm fucking hurting Bert, Santino and I got after it.

• 16:26Speaker 01

  When, last night?

• 16:27Sam Morril?

  Last night, we got fucking lit up.

• 16:28Speaker 01

  And then how many podcasts have you done today?

• 16:30Sam Morril?

  We had Adam Ray on earlier and now.

• 16:31Speaker 01

  Oh, a lot of energy. A lot of back and forth, a lot of zingers.

• 16:35Sam Morril?

  He was great.

• 16:36Speaker 01

  Get ready for a snooze fest, everybody, Bert Kreischer's here.

• 16:38Mark Normand?

  Well, here's the question, he's doing, not doing Dr. Phil, you're not drinking, are you worried that's gonna change you, your act, your brand, your whole, your whole show is about being a party animal?

• 16:47Speaker 01

  No.

• 16:48Mark Normand?

  You're not worried?

• 16:49Speaker 01

  No.

• 16:49Sam Morril?

  No, it's gonna be fine.

• 16:50Mark Normand?

  Come on!

• 16:51Speaker 01

  No, but no one knows that I'm drinking on, or not drinking on stage.

• 16:54Mark Normand?

  This show is called Fully Loaded. I mean, everything's boozy.

• 16:57Speaker 01

  No, my, my tour is called Permission to Party.

• 16:59Mark Normand?

  Okay.

• 17:00Speaker 01

  Yeah, but, but, uh, no, I, I don't think, I mean, you know, that's like the old thing, like if you lose weight, are you still funny?

• 17:06Mark Normand?

  Ah, good point.

• 17:07Speaker 01

  Like, I don't, when I'm on stage, I'm sober. I'm doing

• 17:10Mark Normand?

  Sure.

• 17:10Speaker 01

  the show sober. I, I perform sober. I drink at the end towards the machine story, cause I go, cause it's my night, and I go, I'm done. For me, I just go-

• 17:18Sam Morril?

  And that's in your bones. It's autopilot for you, right?

• 17:20Speaker 01

  It's like when I'm drinking, telling the machine, it's like, I just go a little longer with it and I fuck around with the story. That's just to make the machine fun for me. But for the most part, I go up with coffee and, uh, like, I do a coffee mix of coffee and protein shake, and I've always done that. But I don't, I don't like, I don't like performing drunk.

• 17:36Mark Normand?

  I don't either.

• 17:37Speaker 01

  I've done it, but I don't like it. You really did have eggs.

• 17:40Sam Morril?

  I mean, what did, what did he eat, for real?

• 17:42Mark Normand?

  I got blood clots in my ass. I'm trying to get them out. Yeah, sorry, folks. I, I had a big lunch. I had a tortilla soup. It was unbelievable. Uh, but yeah, back to the club. I mean, you look like your kinda college is Miami.

• 17:54Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 17:54Mark Normand?

  But, uh, I'm worried about you.

• 17:57Speaker 01

  Don't, don't, I mean, listen, I, I think I'd be dead by now.

• 18:00Mark Normand?

  That's a good point. I'm, I'm glad I saw, I'm glad I partied with Burr. We went to Ireland, we went all over the UK.

• 18:05Speaker 01

  Don't say it like you're fucking bored.

• 18:07Mark Normand?

  Well, you came to my bachelor party. We had a great time. The, the, yeah, we've, we've lived. Went to Fully Loaded, the bus tour.

• 18:14Speaker 01

  Wait, what?

• 18:14Mark Normand?

  Glad I got it all in, cause it's RIP for the old B U R T.

• 18:18Sam Morril?

  You're gonna have to throw up an I Will Remember You, uh, graphic here.

• 18:21Mark Normand?

  Yeah, the memoriam of the Fully Loaded days.

• 18:23Speaker 01

  I'm past. It's over.

• 18:25Sam Morril?

  Was Seth Meyers bummed that you weren't drinking?

• 18:27Speaker 01

  What?

• 18:27Sam Morril?

  Was Seth Meyers bummed?

• 18:28Speaker 01

  No, no, no, no.

• 18:28Mark Normand?

  This is like when Pryor, uh, buried the N-word. This is-

• 18:32Speaker 01

  Wait, Pryor buried the N-word?

• 18:33Mark Normand?

  Yeah, he stopped using the N-word towards the end. He was like, he went to Africa and he got all spiritual. And he's like, the N-word's bad.

• 18:40Sam Morril?

  Took him a long time to realize that one, huh?

• 18:41Mark Normand?

  Yeah, he sold it to Michael Richards.

• 18:43Sam Morril?

  Oh.

• 18:43Mark Normand?

  But yeah.

• 18:44Sam Morril?

  Did he get a good deal?

• 18:45Mark Normand?

  I think so, yeah.

• 18:47Sam Morril?

  I don't think it worked out.

• 18:48Speaker 01

  No, I, uh, yeah, I'll drink again one. I own a vodka company.

• 18:52Mark Normand?

  I know, I'm drinking it.

• 18:54Sam Morril?

  Hey, we'll do it for, we're gonna carry the torch for you till then, dude.

• 18:57Speaker 01

  I wish, I can't even eat edibles right now.

• 18:58Mark Normand?

  Wow.

• 18:59Speaker 01

  Can't smoke weed.

• 19:00Sam Morril?

  Coffee you can do.

• 19:01Speaker 01

  I can barely do, I'm allowed one cup a day.

• 19:03Mark Normand?

  You're raw dog in life.

• 19:04Sam Morril?

  You know what Che Guevara, when they told him to cut down on cigars, that he could have two cigars a day, he'd smoke them this long?

• 19:09Mark Normand?

  That's right.

• 19:09Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 19:10Mark Normand?

  That's badass.

• 19:11Speaker 01

  I asked her if I could have cigars and she was like, you have, you have bug clots in your lungs. And I was like, weed? She goes, what are we doing here?

• 19:17Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 19:18Speaker 01

  And then I was like, well, what, can I be by a campfire?

• 19:20Sam Morril?

  You might become a candy guy, dude.

• 19:22Speaker 01

  No.

• 19:23Sam Morril?

  You're gonna be, well, I was in, I was in a, uh, I was in a, uh, late night, it was a tell on Artie Lang.

• 19:28Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah.

• 19:29Sam Morril?

  And they were just like talking about the highs you get from fucking candies.

• 19:32Speaker 01

  For real?

• 19:33Sam Morril?

  And it tells like, oh, these now and laters, this fucking, I'm like, oh, these are two sober dudes.

• 19:37Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 19:37Sam Morril?

  Getting high on candy.

• 19:38Speaker 01

  No, I, I'm on, I mean, let's, let's take it to the next level, everybody. I'm on Manjaro. So I'm on, I'm on a terazepid, so I don't eat at all. Like, I don't eat, I feel sick if I eat, so I barely eat. All I'm eating is fish, cause it's the, what I'm supposed to eat.

• 19:52Mark Normand?

  So what's the vice? You gotta have a, a take the edge off.

• 19:54Speaker 01

  Well, we're trying to find that out, Mark.

• 19:56Mark Normand?

  The outfits, I guess. This is some way to get.

• 19:57Speaker 01

  Yeah, this is the advice. I mean, it was gonna be like, I, I said to myself, this year, I'm not gonna buy anything. Like, I'm gonna try not to buy anything. Cause I spent last year just buying shit.

• 20:06Sam Morril?

  What's the crazy thing you bought?

• 20:08Mark Normand?

  I've been to his house. It's on, it's like a fucking toy factory.

• 20:11Sam Morril?

  I haven't seen the new one.

• 20:12Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah, the new one's, the new one's stupid. Um.

• 20:15Sam Morril?

  What, what's a crazy thing you bought?

• 20:18Speaker 01

  I mean, I bought Tom a race car.

• 20:19Mark Normand?

  Oh, my God.

• 20:21Speaker 01

  I bought him $120,000 for his birthday.

• 20:24Sam Morril?

  Mark got me a gift card to, to a bar.

• 20:26Speaker 01

  Wait, hold on, hold on, hold on. You know that, hang on, do you know the premise of this?

• 20:30Sam Morril?

  No.

• 20:30Speaker 01

  So, this is back when, you know, like, like you guys will look back at this podcast and go, God, we were good back then. Tom and I look back at two bears back then, and we were so, it was all we had. We didn't have TV shows, we didn't have movies, we didn't have tours. It was like, kinda during the pandemic and we started buying each other birthday gifts.

• 20:47Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 20:48Speaker 01

  And we said, we're gonna buy more expensive birthday gifts for the next person, so they had to top it next year. And so, Tom, for my, for my first, for my first birthday, he sent me like, he started it. He bought me a $6,000 bike, an electric bike that went 45 miles an hour. It was the only gift I got that was good that year. My daughters, my wife, they, everyone got me something and then this bike shows up. And I'm hammered and I get on it and I go flying through my neighborhood and I had the funnest time listening to music. Not a care in my fucking life. And I called Tommy, I go, that's the best present I've ever gotten.

• 21:19Sam Morril?

  That sounds so dan- the Jew in me was like, that sounds so fucking dangerous dude. You get the, you get the music on, you're fucking zipping, oh, you lose your senses.

• 21:27Speaker 01

  And then Tommy goes, I can't wait to see what you get me.

• 21:30Mark Normand?

  Oh, boy.

• 21:31Speaker 01

  And I got so excited.

• 21:33Mark Normand?

  You gotta one up him.

• 21:34Speaker 01

  So I bought him, uh, like a fifteen thousand dollar jet ski. It went like, it went like seventy-five miles per hour.

• 21:40Mark Normand?

  Holy hell.

• 21:41Speaker 01

  And he loves speed and he just moved to Austin.

• 21:43Sam Morril?

  By the way, this is how Paul Walker died, they kept upping the ante.

• 21:45Mark Normand?

  Yeah, exactly.

• 21:46Speaker 01

  And so, he gets it and he was fly- he would call me and he's like, dude, it is seven AM. I just had my coffee and I'm going seventy-five miles per hour on this fucking lake.

• 21:57Mark Normand?

  That sounds awesome.

• 21:59Speaker 01

  So then he goes, I can't wait to get your birthday present. I'm in the middle of promoting the machine. Uh, my, my schedule's chaotic. I'm, I'm trying to get to Austin and I get a call from Tommy and he goes, hey, everything's been taken care of. I had to go from, from Minnesota to Austin, Austin to LA, LA back to Austin and then Austin back on the road.

• 22:18Mark Normand?

  Okay.

• 22:19Speaker 01

  And Tommy said, uh, I got you covered. And I was like, what? And he was like, don't worry about your flight tomorrow. Everything's fine. They're gonna fill you in tomorrow morning. So I wake up.

• 22:28Sam Morril?

  It's a massage from a man.

• 22:32Mark Normand?

  Man, that's not enough money.

• 22:33Speaker 01

  No, that's definitely not. He got me a G six to take me to Austin, then take me to LA, then back to Austin, then back out on the road. I'm talking with a flight attendant and full meals.

• 22:44Mark Normand?

  What?

• 22:44Speaker 01

  And I was like, oh my god.

• 22:46Sam Morril?

  Uh, G six looks like.

• 22:47Mark Normand?

  Pull up a G six.

• 22:48Speaker 01

  It's the shit.

• 22:49Sam Morril?

  What's so cool about it?

• 22:51Mark Normand?

  I always wonder why.

• 22:52Speaker 01

  It's got the bed in the back.

• 22:53Mark Normand?

  Oh.

• 22:53Speaker 01

  It's the fucking, it's a big body plane, so you can stand up and walk around.

• 22:58Mark Normand?

  Oh, wow.

• 22:59Speaker 01

  It was crazy.

• 23:01Mark Normand?

  I was wondering why Christina stayed with him.

• 23:04Speaker 01

  So then the next year, he wanted to learn, it was crazy. I remember I would just invite people on the plane. We were like, guys, we have so much room.

• 23:13Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 23:13Speaker 01

  I mean, we flew producers for the movie because we were like screening the movie and flying back to screen it again in Texas. And we, I flew producers on the plane. I was like, Tom got the plane for us.

• 23:22Mark Normand?

  Tom transitioned to rich guy so easily.

• 23:25Speaker 01

  He loved it.

• 23:26Mark Normand?

  He loves it.

• 23:27Speaker 01

  And you know what?

• 23:28Mark Normand?

  He's all from Ohio.

• 23:29Speaker 01

  He's the best.

• 23:32Speaker 01

  I, you know, I think I did an interview one time with Slash. I don't know if I've talked about this on a podcast or not, but I'm gonna, I'll share it here. I did, I interviewed Slash and they said, one thing they said is, don't ask him about Guns N' Roses.

• 23:45Mark Normand?

  Okay.

• 23:46Speaker 01

  And it was, and I was, and we.

• 23:47Sam Morril?

  Hey Slash, you want to talk about pottery? What are we talking about? That's kind of your thing.

• 23:51Speaker 01

  We were supposed to talk about Slash's Snake Pit. It was his new band.

• 23:54Mark Normand?

  Oh, okay, okay.

• 23:55Sam Morril?

  And he was in Velvet Revolver, right? He's in something else, not Velvet. No, what was he in? He's in another band. No, he's in another band, wasn't he?

• 24:03Speaker 01

  Slash's Snake Pit. Yeah.

• 24:04Sam Morril?

  That's it?

• 24:05Speaker 01

  That's it.

• 24:05Sam Morril?

  I thought he was in another band after Guns N' Roses. Am I fucking dumb? There you go, dude.

• 24:12Mark Normand?

  Okay.

• 24:13Speaker 01

  So I show up to the show and he's already drinking in my green room.

• 24:16Mark Normand?

  Hell, yeah.

• 24:17Speaker 01

  It's like six in the morning.

• 24:18Mark Normand?

  Jesus, hell no.

• 24:20Speaker 01

  And he's like, I got kicked out of our house last night. They told me you have booze in here. I kind of let myself in.

• 24:25Mark Normand?

  Still a rocker.

• 24:26Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 24:27Mark Normand?

  I love it.

• 24:27Speaker 01

  I'm 28 years old, 27 years old, and it's Slash. It's still Slash to me.

• 24:33Mark Normand?

  Sure.

• 24:34Speaker 01

  So I sit down, I drink with him and we have the greatest morning ever. Like, we're just shooting the shit. And it's, it's like so loose that by the time we get to the stage, we're hammered. He's like, like we're walking together. We're like boys, right?

• 24:47Mark Normand?

  Whoa.

• 24:47Speaker 01

  And we sit down and I go, hey, what am I supposed to talk to his buddy? Ask me anything.

• 24:53Mark Normand?

  Whoa.

• 24:53Speaker 01

  So the first thing I said is, I go, why did Guns N' Roses break up? And he just goes, that's a great question that no one's ever asked me.

• 25:00Mark Normand?

  We weren't allowed to.

• 25:01Speaker 01

  I know, no one, because they go, they don't want to get, and you can see his team like, ugh. And he said, one of the most interesting things, and I think this is important to, to, when you think of like, especially the LA comedy scene, is like, he goes, you know, we were all street kids, and we were all broke together, and we all lived on the street, and we were all the same type of person. We just wanted to get fucked up, play music, and fuck chicks.

• 25:21Mark Normand?

  Yes.

• 25:22Speaker 01

  And then we went on the road, and we were like all the same person, would get on the bus, get fucked up, fuck chicks, play music. And he goes, and then we toured the world, we're in Brazil, we're the same kids. Get fucked up, fuck chicks, play music, get on the bus.

• 25:32Mark Normand?

  Love it.

• 25:33Speaker 01

  And he goes, we got done, I think he said Brazil, we got done our last show, and we come back to LA, we sit at our manager's office, and they're like, this is how much money you have. And he goes, and, and they realized none of us had anywhere to stay, we're all in hotels. And they're like, where do you want to buy a house? And Slash was like, easy. We're all living on the Sunset Strip, right above the Roxy.

• 25:53Mark Normand?

  Hell yeah.

• 25:54Speaker 01

  That's where we're gonna move. And Axl was like, I'm moving, I'm moving to Malibu. And Slash was like, what the fuck?

• 26:02Mark Normand?

  Oh, he changed.

• 26:03Speaker 01

  And he was like, no, but Slash goes, that's what I've always wanted to be, that's where I've always wanted to live. And so when I look back at the LA scene, like, at our best, like, all these comics, dude, when we were all broke comics.

• 26:16Sam Morril?

  By the way, I thought heroin is why they broke up, that's so funny, he's like, he moved to a different zip code, it wasn't cool.

• 26:20Speaker 01

  No, no, no, but he goes, we were different rich people.

• 26:22Sam Morril?

  I know, but that, but there's that thing in the, in the Behind the Music.

• 26:26Speaker 01

  Oh, sure.

• 26:27Sam Morril?

  Where he's like, if, if, actually, if, if Slash doesn't start, uh, stop dancing with Mr. Brownstone, he's out of the band, you're like, oh shit.

• 26:33Speaker 01

  Well, I think, I think Steven Adler had a problem too.

• 26:35Sam Morril?

  Yeah, they were all fucked up.

• 26:37Speaker 01

  God, in the 90s, they were so fucking cool. Slash was in the place where he was gonna be like, I had a heroin problem. Steven had a heroin problem.

• 26:43Sam Morril?

  But you see the video of him where he's so fucked up with a cigarette in his mouth, it just like falls down his pants and he's still playing.

• 26:48Speaker 01

  By the way, he rocked leather pants.

• 26:50Mark Normand?

  Oh, big time.

• 26:51Speaker 01

  And you, and I can't stop rubbing them, they're so fucking soft.

• 26:53Mark Normand?

  They're very smooth.

• 26:54Speaker 01

  I might send you guys a couple pairs, anyway.

• 26:56Sam Morril?

  We'll wear them on the pod if you do it.

• 26:59Mark Normand?

  You going to Commando?

• 27:00Speaker 01

  Of course.

• 27:01Mark Normand?

  Ah.

• 27:02Speaker 01

  What is it? You've been shitting in your pants the entire time.

• 27:05Sam Morril?

  This is a great time to go to Sheath, our underwear sponsor.

• 27:08Speaker 01

  You should wear two pairs of underwear.

• 27:10Mark Normand?

  In my ass. Um, wow.

• 27:12Speaker 01

  But, but, but, but what's interesting about me and Tom is like, Broke Comics were identical. Identical.

• 27:19Mark Normand?

  You got that right.

• 27:20Speaker 01

  The second we make money, he's a very different, like, Tom wants a house that is, uh, furnished. And it's, and it's set and you just move in, turnkey ready. Me and Leanne, we buy a fixer-upper, we tear it down, we build it together.

• 27:33Mark Normand?

  I like that.

• 27:34Speaker 01

  A year and six months building the house, because that's who we are.

• 27:36Sam Morril?

  Well, Mark moved to a, a big townhouse in Brooklyn.

• 27:39Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 27:39Sam Morril?

  And I'm in a, like, an apartment doorman building in the, in the village. I like, you know, but I'm also a single guy. He's got the family now.

• 27:45Speaker 01

  But it's interesting, as you grow as men, you, you, you're not the same type of person.

• 27:51Mark Normand?

  Right.

• 27:51Speaker 01

  You're different. Even like, you look at Ari. Ari's made money, but he's still saved this one guy.

• 27:55Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 27:56Speaker 01

  He's, I think he's, I'm not afraid of the growth. Can you edit something out? All right, go back. But no, but like, but you look at Ari and like, Ari definitely is someone who was like, I don't want to change. I want to be the exact same guy.

• 28:07Mark Normand?

  Yes, yes.

• 28:07Sam Morril?

  That's why we love him.

• 28:08Speaker 01

  Yeah, which is noble and you're like, great. It's like, look at Shane. Like Shane's an interesting millionaire.

• 28:13Mark Normand?

  Sure.

• 28:13Speaker 01

  Like, he's like, you can see Shane not, not changing at all, but changing at times.

• 28:19Mark Normand?

  Yeah, he likes nice shit, but he's still a regular guy.

• 28:21Speaker 01

  Yeah. And it's interesting to watch someone, you know, I said to you a long time ago, Mark, I was like, I can't wait to see how you deal with fame.

• 28:30Mark Normand?

  Yeah, one day I'll get there.

• 28:32Sam Morril?

  You're doing all right, buddy.

• 28:32Speaker 01

  You're doing all right, buddy.

• 28:33Mark Normand?

  Oh, wow. I don't even know if I want to be famous.

• 28:36Speaker 01

  Are you not famous?

• 28:38Mark Normand?

  I like, I'm selling out shows, we got a nice podcast, I hang out with my friends, I got a nice house with a family and a kid.

• 28:44Speaker 01

  Do you want anything more?

• 28:46Mark Normand?

  No.

• 28:46Sam Morril?

  No, yeah, you do. We wrote a fucking movie.

• 28:48Mark Normand?

  Well, I mean, I like to do fun stuff, but I'm not like, hey, I want to be a movie star.

• 28:51Sam Morril?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 28:51Speaker 01

  Why'd you write a movie?

• 28:53Sam Morril?

  You want to act in a movie that we wrote.

• 28:54Mark Normand?

  It's so fun. I want to see if we can do it.

• 28:56Speaker 01

  Find your truth.

• 28:57Mark Normand?

  Okay.

• 28:57Speaker 01

  Because if you're lying to yourself, you're lying to everyone.

• 29:00Mark Normand?

  All right.

• 29:00Speaker 01

  So like, cause that's a, that's a tough part.

• 29:02Sam Morril?

  I think, I think I know exactly what he's gonna say. You want, you wanna make fun shit.

• 29:06Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 29:07Sam Morril?

  And we wrote a fun, and we wrote a fun movie.

• 29:08Speaker 01

  For you guys to star in.

• 29:10Sam Morril?

  Yes.

• 29:10Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 29:11Sam Morril?

  It's a fun, it's a fun one.

• 29:12Mark Normand?

  Fun. And we wrote a funny movie with a ton of jokes in it, and then we were proud of it. We had David Tell in it. We'd like you to be in it, star for all these fun people. So, to me, that's, that's not about fame. That's like, hey, we're making a movie.

• 29:23Speaker 01

  Yeah, but don't get confused. The second you enter the movie system, ooh, it's a different fucking animal.

• 29:30Mark Normand?

  Really? See, that scares me. I don't like that animal.

• 29:32Speaker 01

  Dude, I have a fucking TV show coming up. Is that you on a private jet?

• 29:35Mark Normand?

  Berkowitz took that in like 2015.

• 29:38Speaker 01

  Yeah, I was like, that doesn't look like you.

• 29:40Mark Normand?

  That was Schumer. I was hungover as shit there.

• 29:42Sam Morril?

  Look at that fucking beard, man.

• 29:43Mark Normand?

  Yeah, I was on the road for a while without a razor. Good times.

• 29:48Speaker 01

  The thing about, the thing about like TV shows and movies and stuff is like when you do a special, you release it, you, you know it's gonna do well. You're like, well, no, but you did the material for 18 months on the road.

• 30:00Mark Normand?

  Good point.

• 30:00Speaker 01

  Unless you're one of these other comics that go, I'm gonna go out for three weeks and try it out. You're like, oh, good luck. But like, for us.

• 30:07Sam Morril?

  I don't, to me, that's like, it's insane.

• 30:09Speaker 01

  Wildly irresponsible.

• 30:11Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 30:12Speaker 01

  When you hear a comic.

• 30:13Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah.

• 30:13Speaker 01

  I gotta give it up.

• 30:14Sam Morril?

  Part of the fun is, is getting it good.

• 30:16Mark Normand?

  Of course.

• 30:16Speaker 01

  I gotta give it up for Marcelo Hernandez because.

• 30:20Mark Normand?

  He's crushing.

• 30:21Speaker 01

  His special did very well. He's a great kid.

• 30:23Mark Normand?

  Good guy.

• 30:24Speaker 01

  But he's, he was gonna do that. He was, he told Chris Rock, yeah, I'm getting ready to do my special. I'm gonna do, I'm gonna do next weekend and get, rehearse it.

• 30:31Mark Normand?

  Hmm.

• 30:31Speaker 01

  Chris Rock was like, cancel it. He was like, what? He's like, you're not ready.

• 30:35Mark Normand?

  Woo.

• 30:35Speaker 01

  And he canceled it.

• 30:37Mark Normand?

  Good for him.

• 30:37Speaker 01

  And then took time to, to work on the material.

• 30:39Mark Normand?

  And good for Rock to tell him that.

• 30:41Sam Morril?

  That'd be in the back of your head the whole time.

• 30:43Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 30:43Sam Morril?

  You don't want, you don't want that voice in the head being like, you're not ready.

• 30:46Mark Normand?

  But we've all seen specials where you're like, how do they put this out? What, are they crazy? This is like, half the jokes, you know, they do the shit where they're like, I don't have an ending to that. Next thing, and you're like, what? You don't have an ending? That's our whole job.

• 30:56Speaker 01

  That was your closer.

• 30:56Mark Normand?

  Yeah. Crazy. I see a lot of that.

• 30:59Speaker 01

  I see a lot of it. Like, I, I mean, it's like, I don't understand someone that doesn't take a special as serious as, as, as their health. Like, I, like, when I do a special.

• 31:08Sam Morril?

  My next special's called Blood Clot. It's gonna be really good.

• 31:11Speaker 01

  Fucking.

• 31:13Speaker 01

  I would have, I would have, the blood clot would have been an okay way to die.

• 31:15Mark Normand?

  Now, what if your next-

• 31:16Sam Morril?

  No, don't fucking say that, dude.

• 31:17Speaker 01

  No, no, no, no. You don't wanna die, you don't wanna die from like, uh, like an easy joke. You know, like if my liver fails and it's like, oh, fuck, I'm fucked.

• 31:24Mark Normand?

  Right.

• 31:25Speaker 01

  You know, if I get a DUI and get in a car accident, come on.

• 31:28Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 31:29Speaker 01

  If you wanna, like, get attacked by a shark.

• 31:31Sam Morril?

  Dude.

• 31:31Mark Normand?

  Yeah, but what if your next special is amazing because you didn't drink? Then you can't go back.

• 31:37Speaker 01

  Yeah, I can. I can do whatever the fuck I want.

• 31:38Mark Normand?

  Alright.

• 31:39Speaker 01

  I don't know where these rules are coming from, you Mark.

• 31:41Mark Normand?

  Well, I'm just saying, cause then you're, you're like, oh, this-

• 31:42Speaker 01

  Mark's like, Burt's dead, he's gone to us. I just, I'm not drinking until my blood clot goes away.

• 31:48Mark Normand?

  I'm still in shock, it's like, uh, it's weird.

• 31:50Speaker 01

  When have you ever known me to lose weight and keep it off? Or stop drinking and never, I mean, I am a fucking gain it back kinda guy.

• 31:57Mark Normand?

  That's a good point, but it's like seeing Carrot Top without the props or something.

• 32:01Speaker 01

  I love that you said that.

• 32:02Mark Normand?

  Okay.

• 32:03Speaker 01

  You have not seen the series yet, have you?

• 32:05Mark Normand?

  I got a link today, it's too late.

• 32:07Sam Morril?

  Right before we're coming here.

• 32:08Speaker 01

  So, I did that in this, that's in this show.

• 32:10Mark Normand?

  Carrot Top?

• 32:11Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 32:12Mark Normand?

  Oh, I love Carrot Top, I'm, I'm not a hater.

• 32:14Speaker 01

  I leaned in, I leaned in to like-

• 32:16Sam Morril?

  So, by the way, the show is Free Bert, it's on Netflix, January 22nd.

• 32:20Mark Normand?

  Which I'm sure is out by now, it's coming, yeah, when this comes out.

• 32:23Speaker 01

  The, uh-

• 32:24Mark Normand?

  Art Mirren looking good.

• 32:25Speaker 01

  She looks great.

• 32:26Mark Normand?

  She's a cool, cool gal.

• 32:27Speaker 01

  The girls are the stars, they really are, they steal the show.

• 32:29Mark Normand?

  Okay.

• 32:30Speaker 01

  But, uh-

• 32:30Mark Normand?

  Epstein said that.

• 32:32Speaker 01

  But I, I leaned into like, all the shit that I get online, I leaned into all of it.

• 32:37Mark Normand?

  Good, own it.

• 32:39Speaker 01

  I leaned into it, like, there's a, I mean, you just watch the show, but I was like, whatever people say about me, like, you just gotta take your shirt off, yeah, I leaned into that. Uh, what are you without taking your shirt off? I leaned into that.

• 32:48Mark Normand?

  Hell, yeah.

• 32:49Speaker 01

  Will people show up if you didn't take your shirt off?

• 32:50Sam Morril?

  You eight-miled yourself.

• 32:51Speaker 01

  I eight-miled, I was like, fuck it, I was like, I was like, I'm already done, I'm done with like, I'm done with like, I know what people say, so I'm just gonna fucking include it, cause that is in my inner thought.

• 32:59Mark Normand?

  Right.

• 33:00Speaker 01

  The shit people say about you does enter the, the pathos and ethos, and you're sitting there with it in your head going like, like, like, would people show up if I didn't take my shirt off?

• 33:11Mark Normand?

  Ah, yeah, they would.

• 33:12Sam Morril?

  They would. And they'd be like, why is his shirt on?

• 33:14Speaker 01

  There would be eighty percent of the room that's going like, is he, is he gonna take it off?

• 33:17Mark Normand?

  Yeah, that's true.

• 33:19Speaker 01

  It would, it's like, I brought a guitar on stage one time when I was young. And I put it at the Boston Comedy Club and I put it next to the fireplace and tried to do material and then play it. And they all just stared at the guitar.

• 33:29Mark Normand?

  Ah, ha, ha, ha.

• 33:31Speaker 01

  And I was like, oh.

• 33:33Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 33:34Speaker 01

  Never do that again. Iggy Pop had one leg shorter than the other.

• 33:38Mark Normand?

  Is that right?

• 33:38Speaker 01

  That's why he walked like that. See him standing?

• 33:40Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 33:41Speaker 01

  That's because one leg's shorter than the other.

• 33:42Mark Normand?

  Yikes, now that's his, get a, get a pair of panties on that guy. Look at those hips. His pants are so low.

• 33:49Sam Morril?

  Ally McBeal looks terrible.

• 33:53Mark Normand?

  Nikki Glaser, what are you doing?

• 33:56Mark Normand?

  Oh, there we go, he's hot there.

• 33:57Speaker 01

  That's not Iggy Pop.

• 33:58Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah, that's a young pop.

• 34:01Speaker 01

  Are you serious?

• 34:02Sam Morril?

  Yeah. Yeah, it's tough when you have a sick body and then you're just like, I'm sticking with this. And you're like, oh, boy.

• 34:07Speaker 01

  Now, that, now that's my fear.

• 34:09Mark Normand?

  What?

• 34:10Speaker 01

  No booze, six months, menjaro, testosterone.

• 34:13Sam Morril?

  And you come ripped?

• 34:14Speaker 01

  And I love working out.

• 34:16Sam Morril?

  So you're just gonna be a ripped guy without a shirt?

• 34:18Speaker 01

  Can I tell you?

• 34:19Mark Normand?

  That's no good.

• 34:20Speaker 01

  I told, I was with Chappelle one night and we're fucking boozing. And I told him, I was like, he's like, dude, he was like, your shoulders, man. And I was like, oh, because I'm shirtless. And he's like-

• 34:29Mark Normand?

  Look at those things.

• 34:30Speaker 01

  And he's like, your shoulders, man. And he goes, you know, man, I, he goes, you're inspiring me. I want to work out. I want to get jacked. And I was like, yeah. And I was like, you know, people would say like, what if I lose weight? Will I still be funny? And he just, in the best Chappelle way, just leans in, he goes, fuck them. Get fucking ripped and shredded. Be a fucking rock star. And I was like, oh. You know, Chappelle, all you have to hear is one thing from Chappelle or Cat Williams and you're like, that's what I'm doing.

• 34:54Mark Normand?

  Well, he got ripped. Remember, he was a skinny guy. Every special, he's like a twig, skinny pothead. And now he's like, his guns ablazin' now.

• 35:02Speaker 01

  Chappelle, do you remember when Chappelle showed up with big arms?

• 35:04Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 35:05Speaker 01

  And you were like, yo.

• 35:06Mark Normand?

  It was weird.

• 35:07Sam Morril?

  Yeah, well, the funny thing is when a comedian gets healthy, we're like, are you okay?

• 35:10Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 35:11Sam Morril?

  We're like, you made a, you made a wise-

• 35:13Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 35:14Sam Morril?

  -mental choice.

• 35:14Speaker 01

  I'm more comfortable, I'm more comfortable as a fuck up.

• 35:18Mark Normand?

  Same. Well, I watched Segura's special and he's like weirdly thin, like so in shape that you're like, whoa, it's jarring.

• 35:24Speaker 01

  He's a hundred and eighty-five pounds right now.

• 35:27Mark Normand?

  Ah.

• 35:27Sam Morril?

  He's thinner than me.

• 35:28Speaker 01

  Yeah, I know. He's thinner than everybody.

• 35:30Mark Normand?

  Wow.

• 35:31Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 35:31Mark Normand?

  Well, pull up, pull up Segura now, because he, it, it, the face is thin. You could just tell, like, he's got a- Like a sculpting thing going on. He's got a trainer. He's hot. Look at, look at the T-shirt. It's baggy.

• 35:44Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 35:45Mark Normand?

  Crazy.

• 35:46Sam Morril?

  Look at this.

• 35:47Speaker 01

  Yeah, but I think I'm done taking those pictures, by the way. That was, that was a period in my life when I was like so excited I was losing weight. And then I was like, no one wants to fucking see that.

• 35:56Mark Normand?

  Nah.

• 35:56Speaker 01

  Like, no one wants to see you looking good.

• 35:58Mark Normand?

  No.

• 35:58Speaker 01

  And you don't think about you, but then you're like, what the fuck off, Aaron Berg? What are you doing? Love Aaron Berg. I'm just, I mean, but like, look at this and that picture to the right. No, that's not real.

• 36:08Mark Normand?

  That's fake.

• 36:08Speaker 01

  Go to the blue, the blue background. Yeah.

• 36:11Sam Morril?

  That guy's in Salakus's DMs.

• 36:13Speaker 01

  Look at, look at, look at. I mean, I'm just like.

• 36:16Mark Normand?

  Look at the guns, the shoulders.

• 36:17Sam Morril?

  You look like fucking Julian Edelman there from Far.

• 36:20Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah.

• 36:21Speaker 01

  Thank you to the chosen people.

• 36:23Mark Normand?

  You got that right.

• 36:24Speaker 01

  The, uh, but yeah, I mean, I, right now, I'm just like, I work out because I like it. And I, I'm eating, so I, I'm eating, I like clean only because I'm on Manjaro, but I'm only on Manjaro because Leanne took me to the doctor and the doctor was like, yo, and this is at my fattest when I was filming Free Bird. I got done and she, I, Free Bird, I'm like 275 pounds.

• 36:42Mark Normand?

  Mmm.

• 36:42Speaker 01

  For the whole series.

• 36:43Sam Morril?

  How tall are you?

• 36:44Speaker 01

  Six one, six foot, six one. And so I go, I get done, she takes me to the doctor, my cardiologist is like, you know, he's like, you're, you're very heavy. I was like, and I said to him, I was like, I'm not the heaviest I've been. And he, and he goes, yeah, by one pound. You were one pound heavier last time you came in. And I go, well, I'm, I lift weights, so I'm very muscular. And he goes, how much muscle's in there? So he took, he did a, a scan of my body to check to see like, it's called a, it's called a DEXA scan.

• 37:13Mark Normand?

  Hmm.

• 37:14Speaker 01

  And, um, he was like, yo, you have 90 pounds in your stomach of visceral fat.

• 37:19Mark Normand?

  Whoa.

• 37:20Speaker 01

  And I was like, is that a lot? And he was like, it's like a Romanian gymnast. He's like, you're holding on to a human in your stomach. It's bad for your back. It's bad for your knees. It's bad for everything. And he was like, and I, and I told him, I'm not going to do Manjaro because I was, I was like, I don't want to cheat. I don't want to cheat.

• 37:33Sam Morril?

  So that's like Ozempic?

• 37:34Speaker 01

  It's like Ozempic, it's a tear is appetite, it's the same thing. Cut your appetite. And then he goes, okay. And he goes, I'll tell you what, I'll see you in three months and you're going to be 300 pounds.

• 37:43Mark Normand?

  Whoa.

• 37:43Speaker 01

  And I was like, for real? And then I just did it, the first time I did it, it was my birthday, November 3rd. Or that was a week and I did it and I noticed that I cut my eating cut back and my drinking kind of cut in half and I was like, well, that's not bad.

• 37:59Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 37:59Speaker 01

  And then I upped my dosage and was violently ill for a week like.

• 38:03Mark Normand?

  Ah.

• 38:04Speaker 01

  Oh, throwing up.

• 38:05Mark Normand?

  Well, he, I don't know if I'm allowed to say, but you microdosed Ozempic.

• 38:08Speaker 01

  I'm microdosing now.

• 38:09Mark Normand?

  That's smart.

• 38:10Speaker 01

  Yeah. And it's, it's, it's so much better to be like microdosing and then if you feel you're eating, just punch a little more in.

• 38:18Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 38:19Speaker 01

  And then pull off.

• 38:20Sam Morril?

  What a country this is.

• 38:21Mark Normand?

  I know.

• 38:21Sam Morril?

  People starving and we're just like, I'm gonna take just a little to cut out like a snack.

• 38:25Mark Normand?

  Right.

• 38:26Speaker 01

  Yeah, but you know what? Hang on, hang on. Can I, can I just, can I politically rant for the first time?

• 38:31Mark Normand?

  Oh shit, you're a big ICE fan.

• 38:34Sam Morril?

  Oh my god.

• 38:35Mark Normand?

  Pull up, pull up the United play.

• 38:36Sam Morril?

  That's all I can eat these days.

• 38:37Speaker 01

  Dude, I love him. I love him. Friday, another Friday, I love him. The, uh, you know, it's like, I watched this, this fucking documentary about global warming.

• 38:48Mark Normand?

  Mmm.

• 38:49Speaker 01

  And they're like, you need to do your part.

• 38:51Mark Normand?

  Al Gore.

• 38:52Speaker 01

  And I was like, hang on, fuck off. We're doing our part. How about the fucking animals all around the world that are burning trash in their front yard? Like, let's, let's be real.

• 39:01Mark Normand?

  Oh, good point.

• 39:02Speaker 01

  It's not us. It's not us.

• 39:03Mark Normand?

  India's number one with pollution and then China.

• 39:06Speaker 01

  Vietnam, Cambodia, Laos, fucking Bangkok, you name it, Thailand. They're burning trash in their front yard. It's not us.

• 39:13Sam Morril?

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• 39:36Mark Normand?

  Mm-hmm.

• 39:36Sam Morril?

  You know about that, Mark. You got the, you got the cat.

• 39:39Mark Normand?

  Biggest cat in America.

• 39:40Sam Morril?

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• 40:14Mark Normand?

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• 40:59Mark Normand?

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• 41:05Sam Morril?

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• 42:14Mark Normand?

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• 43:19Speaker 01

  Yeah, there are starving people over here, but we have an obesity problem. It's not really because it's, I mean, obviously we have a ton of food and we have a ton of money, but it's the food we're eating.

• 43:27Mark Normand?

  Processed.

• 43:28Speaker 01

  It's processed as fuck.

• 43:29Mark Normand?

  Poison.

• 43:29Speaker 01

  Go to Vietnam, you get a sandwich off the street and none of that shit's processed.

• 43:32Mark Normand?

  That's true.

• 43:33Sam Morril?

  Have you been to Vietnam?

• 43:34Speaker 01

  Oh, fuck yeah.

• 43:35Sam Morril?

  Really?

• 43:35Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah.

• 43:35Sam Morril?

  You a comedy there or no?

• 43:37Speaker 01

  No, no, I did a Travel Channel show there.

• 43:39Mark Normand?

  Oh.

• 43:39Speaker 01

  It's crazy.

• 43:40Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 43:41Speaker 01

  But like you look at this, you look at Eastern Africa, West Africa, dude, that's where the pollution problem is not us. So stop making films for white people to watch and feel guilty about their SUV. That's not the problem. The problem is that river that we're, I mean, look, sure, we could cut back on pollution on our part. Yeah, but also let's invade this country, whatever it's called, and go, hey, guys, let me show you what a trash can is. Like, let me show you that it doesn't go in your fucking river.

• 44:09Mark Normand?

  They won't yell at them because it's bad optics. You can't yell at the brown kid who's throwing a bottle in the river. It's not, they won't do it because they care more about optics than, than justice, if we're being honest.

• 44:19Sam Morril?

  We'll jump back into this with Corolla next week.

• 44:20Speaker 01

  And, uh, but that's like, I just kind of watched this David Attenborough documentary, and he's like, this is what we're doing to ruin the planet.

• 44:28Mark Normand?

  Right.

• 44:28Speaker 01

  I was like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Cut to India where they're shitting in the lake.

• 44:31Sam Morril?

  Well, remember Carlin's bit about like the planet's been through worse? The planet's gonna be just fine.

• 44:36Mark Normand?

  You think a plastic bag, yeah, yeah. By the way, in China, they, they have so-

• 44:40Speaker 03

  Much pollution, they have screens with the sun on it, so you know what it looks like.

• 44:44Mark Normand?

  Wow.

• 44:45Speaker 01

  Dude, China is wild. China.

• 44:48Sam Morril?

  Mark goes there with his son when he's on the road.

• 44:51Mark Normand?

  There we go.

• 44:52Sam Morril?

  He's back.

• 44:55Speaker 01

  China has one time zone.

• 44:57Mark Normand?

  Whoa, for the whole, it's huge.

• 44:59Speaker 01

  For the whole country, they have, they were like, no, no, no, no, no, it's noon.

• 45:03Mark Normand?

  Damn.

• 45:04Speaker 01

  Wait, noon's really dark for me. I know, that's your noon. My noon is the middle of the afternoon.

• 45:10Mark Normand?

  Damn, that's crazy.

• 45:11Speaker 01

  Isn't that crazy?

• 45:12Mark Normand?

  They're wild.

• 45:13Speaker 01

  Do you want to hear a deep thought? I got high one time. I fucking, I called Joe about this.

• 45:19Speaker 01

  So.

• 45:20Sam Morril?

  What if, what if sober Bert just becomes really political?

• 45:22Mark Normand?

  Oh my god.

• 45:24Speaker 01

  I love it.

• 45:24Mark Normand?

  That'll be fun.

• 45:25Speaker 01

  There's a big move in comedy these days. I mean, I've seen it.

• 45:28Sam Morril?

  The grift, baby.

• 45:29Speaker 01

  You either gotta do crowd work or lean real hard right.

• 45:32Mark Normand?

  That's true. Those are big.

• 45:33Sam Morril?

  The grift is, is coming, baby. A lot of people are leaning in.

• 45:37Speaker 01

  Very few people do material these days. It's a lot of like, what will the fans clap at?

• 45:41Mark Normand?

  Yep.

• 45:42Speaker 01

  Yeah. Or how can I get them interacting?

• 45:45Sam Morril?

  Or how can I victimize myself?

• 45:46Mark Normand?

  Yes. I was molested. You're like, well, where's the bit? Where's the joke? Where's the turn?

• 45:50Sam Morril?

  I was just talking to my therapist, but sorry.

• 45:53Mark Normand?

  Yeah, that's why I'm glad. Like, do all the crowing. We'll be over here telling jokes.

• 45:57Speaker 01

  Yep.

• 45:57Mark Normand?

  More for us.

• 45:58Speaker 01

  I write stories. I have no joke. Like, people go, like, people yell shit out for crowd work, and I'll do crowd work because I'm a comedian, but I'll go, hey, guys, that's also not what I do.

• 46:07Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 46:07Speaker 01

  Like, I'm, I'm a comedian. Like, I, I write, I, I prepare.

• 46:10Sam Morril?

  You're a story guy.

• 46:10Speaker 01

  Yeah, I'm a story guy.

• 46:11Sam Morril?

  Stories, man.

• 46:11Speaker 01

  And so, um, but, uh, here's the crazy fucking deep thought. So, Genghis Khan killed like sixty million people?

• 46:20Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah. Most of the earth.

• 46:21Speaker 01

  What, seven, seven hundred years ago?

• 46:24Mark Normand?

  Huh.

• 46:25Speaker 01

  Right?

• 46:25Mark Normand?

  Is that right?

• 46:26Speaker 01

  Probably. I mean, do the math. I'm close. I'm close enough that you don't need to Google it.

• 46:30Mark Normand?

  Okay.

• 46:30Sam Morril?

  You can Google.

• 46:31Mark Normand?

  I thought it was less than that, but all right.

• 46:32Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 46:33Mark Normand?

  Sixty million. There you go. Twenty to sixty.

• 46:35Speaker 01

  Twenty to sixty. Let's call it sixty, so it's fun.

• 46:37Mark Normand?

  More than Hitler, by the way.

• 46:38Speaker 01

  Let's do what you guys do with the Holocaust. Let's call it sixty million. And then.

• 46:43Mark Normand?

  Mao is up there too. Mao might be more, but keep going.

• 46:46Speaker 01

  Just keep it a Genghis Khan.

• 46:47Mark Normand?

  Okay, okay.

• 46:47Speaker 01

  What, 700 years ago? 1200, right?

• 46:49Mark Normand?

  Khan.

• 46:51Sam Morril?

  How many? Eight hundred, yeah. How many Asians do you think there'd be?

• 46:55Mark Normand?

  Oh, he did us a favor. Good point. I never thought of it that way.

• 47:00Sam Morril?

  I never realized they were making up for lost time.

• 47:02Mark Normand?

  Yeah, I guess so. Thank God for Connie. Holy shit. It would be all Asian.

• 47:09Sam Morril?

  This is like a Terminator movie?

• 47:11Speaker 01

  Nightmare.

• 47:13Sam Morril?

  They send it back in time. You have to do something about the population.

• 47:16Speaker 01

  We would have all fucked an Asian chick by now. Like, you would have had to.

• 47:21Mark Normand?

  Oh, man, that's a lot of crazy.

• 47:23Sam Morril?

  I went through that phase. We all do. That's a right. That's more of a rite of passage in a bar mitzvah.

• 47:29Mark Normand?

  That's true.

• 47:29Sam Morril?

  You gotta go through an Asian phase.

• 47:31Mark Normand?

  Good point.

• 47:31Speaker 01

  Can you imagine, right? Procreating for 700 years. 60 million, 60 million Asian people procreating for 700 years. And you gotta remember, those first 300 years, you got four generations in it.

• 47:45Sam Morril?

  Yeah, World War II didn't help.

• 47:47Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah. A lot of, lot of.

• 47:51Mark Normand?

  Wow, we're killed. Japanese.

• 47:55Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah, yeah, right, right, right, right, right, right. Talking about the Civil War. Who'd they fight about? You know, but they were, they were saved.

• 48:02Sam Morril?

  Do we have to throw in a slur after the nuke, Mark? I mean, come on. The nuke's not enough?

• 48:07Mark Normand?

  It's whatever you want to call it.

• 48:08Speaker 01

  There you go. It's getting better, it's getting better. If we were playing a game called Hot and Cold, I'd go, "Ice cold, ice cold."

• 48:14Sam Morril?

  Jesus Christ.

• 48:15Mark Normand?

  All right, bleep that.

• 48:17Speaker 03

  It also says, uh, Genghis Khan had an estimate of a thousand children.

• 48:21Mark Normand?

  Whoa.

• 48:22Speaker 01

  Apparently, apparently, every Asian is related to Genghis Khan.

• 48:27Mark Normand?

  Whoa.

• 48:28Speaker 01

  Google it, Google it. Every, I got, I got really on a Genghis Khan run.

• 48:33Sam Morril?

  Nice.

• 48:33Speaker 01

  Yeah. You know he knew Marco Polo?

• 48:35Mark Normand?

  Oh.

• 48:36Sam Morril?

  Really? Could he find him in a pool, though?

• 48:39Speaker 01

  No, Marco Polo got lost. That's why we play the game.

• 48:42Mark Normand?

  That's why we play the game.

• 48:43Speaker 01

  Yeah. Marco Polo got lost. And Genghis Khan and Marco Polo were boys. Like, he hung out with him and, like, wrote a book about him or wrote about him. I swear to God. Isn't that crazy?

• 48:51Sam Morril?

  You gotta save some of this for history, highness.

• 48:53Mark Normand?

  Yeah. Oh, yeah.

• 48:54Speaker 01

  No, I, I'm not good enough in history. They'll correct me. The, isn't it crazy to think, what was it? Uh, Thomas Jefferson and Napoleon were peers?

• 49:05Mark Normand?

  No.

• 49:06Speaker 01

  Google it.

• 49:06Mark Normand?

  Doesn't it seem like Napoleon's older?

• 49:08Sam Morril?

  Yeah, that's right. No, Napoleon, Napoleon, he was cooking dude for a while.

• 49:11Speaker 01

  Purchase.

• 49:12Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 49:12Speaker 01

  Louisiana.

• 49:13Mark Normand?

  Five million.

• 49:14Speaker 01

  Louisiana's from King Louie.

• 49:16Mark Normand?

  Yes.

• 49:17Speaker 01

  Oh, you knew that.

• 49:17Mark Normand?

  I knew that. Well, I'm from there. So we heard all about that. But you know, Anne Frank and MLK are the same age. How about that?

• 49:26Sam Morril?

  The same age?

• 49:27Mark Normand?

  I don't know if they dated, but.

• 49:27Speaker 03

  No, they were born the same year.

• 49:29Mark Normand?

  Sorry.

• 49:29Sam Morril?

  She didn't make it there. She didn't make it to the his age, but yeah.

• 49:32Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 49:33Speaker 03

  And Barbara Walters. All born the same year.

• 49:35Speaker 01

  I just want all the podcast fans to know.

• 49:37Speaker 03

  MLK and Anne Frank.

• 49:39Speaker 01

  Start that over, start that over. Edit what I just said out and start that over. I want to hear this.

• 49:43Speaker 03

  Barbara Walters, MLK, and Anne Frank, all born the same year.

• 49:47Mark Normand?

  Come on. How about that?

• 49:48Speaker 01

  What year? What year?

• 49:49Speaker 03

  I think it's like 26 or something. I'll look it up.

• 49:51Sam Morril?

  She fucking crushed them.

• 49:52Speaker 01

  Barbara Walters.

• 49:54Sam Morril?

  She outlasted the fuck out of those two.

• 49:55Speaker 01

  You're telling me Anne Frank might have looked like Barbara Walters?

• 49:58Sam Morril?

  If there's a lesson to be took from this, don't be political.

• 50:01Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, right?

• 50:02Sam Morril?

  You're gonna live longer, you know?

• 50:04Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah.

• 50:04Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah. Good point.

• 50:05Mark Normand?

  Good point.

• 50:06Speaker 01

  I got a great Anne Frank joke.

• 50:08Sam Morril?

  I got an Anne Frank chunk in my new hour.

• 50:10Speaker 01

  I got it. Do you really? Wait, can I? Are they the same?

• 50:13Sam Morril?

  I hope not. That would suck.

• 50:15Mark Normand?

  Uh oh.

• 50:15Speaker 01

  I'll tell you mine edited out.

• 50:17Sam Morril?

  Sure.

• 50:17Speaker 01

  Because guys, I don't put material in podcasts.

• 50:21Sam Morril?

  Um, let's just do it at dinner then.

• 50:23Speaker 01

  Okay, let's do it.

• 50:23Mark Normand?

  Wait, wait. Pull up the United flight. They said, oh, because of Ozempic.

• 50:27Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 50:27Mark Normand?

  Everyone's losing weight and they're saving a ton on gasoline.

• 50:31Speaker 01

  Dude, when you meet people that have been on Ozempic or Terazepide, like, so for the average person, they see it, I think they think Amy Schumer. And they're like, oh, is it vanity or what? I don't know, whatever it is. Or for me, they go, oh, okay. But for the average person I'm meeting, like I'll talk about it on stage because I get a rash on my stomach. And people come up to me like, I lost 70 pounds. And you're like, whoa.

• 50:53Mark Normand?

  Whoa.

• 50:54Speaker 01

  It really is. It's a Band-Aid to a solution, the same way Zoloft is a Band-Aid to like, mental health problems. It, it gets you out of the hole.

• 51:05Mark Normand?

  But you gotta hold on to it.

• 51:06Speaker 01

  You, you gotta do the work.

• 51:07Mark Normand?

  That's on you.

• 51:08Speaker 01

  You gotta do the work. You gotta get a trainer, you gotta get, you have to, when you get off it.

• 51:11Sam Morril?

  Yeah, it's not forever.

• 51:12Speaker 01

  It's not forever.

• 51:13Mark Normand?

  Right.

• 51:14Speaker 01

  And, it's like Zoloft, it gets you out of the thing, so you can get into therapy, and then hopefully get off Zoloft, but like.

• 51:19Sam Morril?

  Have you ever done that stuff, Zoloft?

• 51:21Speaker 01

  No, I'm afraid to.

• 51:22Mark Normand?

  Good way to save money, though. Like, if you're eating a ton of sh- food is expensive now. Groceries going out, it's all very expensive. So if you're not eating at all, and not drinking at all, you're probably saving a fortune.

• 51:30Speaker 01

  I'll tell you what's crazy, is when people I've talked to that are overweight will say, do you, what do you, what do you think about da, da, da? And I go, well, it, you know, it does make, it gives you like a low-grade flu. The first few weeks.

• 51:43Sam Morril?

  Wow.

• 51:43Speaker 01

  Yeah, I mean, I felt physically ill for a solid.

• 51:47Sam Morril?

  Were you doing gigs during this?

• 51:48Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 51:49Sam Morril?

  Jesus.

• 51:49Mark Normand?

  Mmm.

• 51:50Speaker 01

  And like, I, coffee would make me ill. Drinking, I had to get, push a drink. I had to push a drink.

• 51:55Mark Normand?

  Whoa.

• 51:56Speaker 01

  And, um, and I couldn't eat steak, couldn't touch steak.

• 51:59Mark Normand?

  Damn.

• 51:59Speaker 01

  I couldn't eat anything I liked.

• 52:01Sam Morril?

  Is there anything food that you craved while you're on it?

• 52:03Speaker 01

  Uh.

• 52:03Mark Normand?

  Pussy.

• 52:04Speaker 01

  Italian subs.

• 52:06Mark Normand?

  Oh, that's still a pretty fat guy.

• 52:07Speaker 01

  Italian subs were like, for whatever reason, I was like, I'm really into Italian subs.

• 52:13Mark Normand?

  Interesting.

• 52:14Sam Morril?

  I love an Italian sub, man. De Faro's in Brooklyn just had that in Red Hook, unfucking real.

• 52:17Mark Normand?

  Yeah, they're the best.

• 52:18Sam Morril?

  Unreal.

• 52:18Mark Normand?

  Meatballs, marinara.

• 52:20Sam Morril?

  Dude, oh my god.

• 52:21Speaker 01

  But, but overweight people would say to me, yeah, but I don't wanna do that. And I'm like, what, feel a little sick and then lose weight? And they're like, yeah, like, food's my joy. And you're like, yeah, but that's the problem.

• 52:33Mark Normand?

  Exactly.

• 52:34Speaker 01

  And you're like, you can't make it your joy, it's gotta be fuel. You, I wish I could.

• 52:37Sam Morril?

  No, I, I don't disagree. Food should be fun, too.

• 52:40Mark Normand?

  But you can handle it.

• 52:41Speaker 01

  You can handle it, I can't handle it. I can't handle, I mean, you've eaten with me, I order, I get like, I go, get me like, what are your five best apps? And then they bring them.

• 52:49Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 52:49Speaker 01

  And then I like to razzle-dazzle, and I always get two meals, cuz I like to, I don't, I'm gonna get a healthy one, and then what I want.

• 52:55Mark Normand?

  Right.

• 52:55Speaker 01

  And then, and drinking is like, you know, I drink whatever I wanna drink. I never, I've never had an issue with my drinking, no one's ever told me to stop. So, you know, I party my fucking face off. And then, I get on a. Ozempic, I go to dinner with Leanne and I get a martini and I'm like, ooh, that tasted off.

• 53:09Mark Normand?

  Whoa.

• 53:10Speaker 01

  And then I was like, and then I'm like, I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna be that guy. Murder another martini, get a ribeye, I have a little bit of the cap and I'm like, I don't, I'm just done.

• 53:18Mark Normand?

  Damn.

• 53:19Speaker 01

  Go to bed, wake up feeling great, go to the gym, work out. I mean, my first, it's been since November is January. I'm down like almost forty pounds.

• 53:29Mark Normand?

  I just had a thought. There's all these people starving in all these third world countries. We should give them Ozempic. They're hungry. Ah.

• 53:37Sam Morril?

  This is like Kinnison's.

• 53:37Speaker 01

  No, no, no, no, hold on.

• 53:38Mark Normand?

  Well, they'll, they'll still die.

• 53:39Speaker 01

  It's not hunger pangs they have. They're not just like, got them hungry. It's they're dying because they don't have food.

• 53:46Mark Normand?

  Well, they, they'll die comfortably.

• 53:47Sam Morril?

  I know, but it's nutrition. This is Kinnison's bit. You need to go where the Ozempic is. You gotta go with the Ozempic.

• 53:55Speaker 01

  Why don't we just give them cocaine and then they won't wanna eat?

• 53:58Mark Normand?

  That's not bad. They'll, they'll be perked up.

• 54:01Sam Morril?

  They'll reach you for cocaine.

• 54:03Mark Normand?

  Instead of bags of rice, bags of coke.

• 54:05Sam Morril?

  For just five hundred dollars a month, you can sponsor a coke head child.

• 54:09Mark Normand?

  He'll never shut the fuck up.

• 54:11Speaker 01

  Guys, have you tried Adderall? It cut my appetite in half.

• 54:13Mark Normand?

  I'm done. I think we got something here.

• 54:15Speaker 01

  Have you ever done Adderall?

• 54:16Mark Normand?

  Oh, my God.

• 54:17Sam Morril?

  I live on that shit.

• 54:18Mark Normand?

  I have some in my apartment.

• 54:19Sam Morril?

  I do Concerta, but yeah, I love it.

• 54:20Mark Normand?

  It's fun.

• 54:21Sam Morril?

  I live on that shit.

• 54:22Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 54:22Mark Normand?

  You would love it.

• 54:23Speaker 01

  I know I would.

• 54:24Mark Normand?

  It's a good time.

• 54:25Speaker 01

  Guess what's on the no fly list?

• 54:26Mark Normand?

  It's campus cocaine, they call it. It's just good. It's easy. It's.

• 54:30Sam Morril?

  That's where I get it.

• 54:31Mark Normand?

  Amphetamines, basically.

• 54:32Speaker 01

  Really?

• 54:34Mark Normand?

  Yeah, you, you should, you might get on it now that you got the clots, cause you're gonna need something.

• 54:39Sam Morril?

  Well, he might not be able to take that.

• 54:40Speaker 01

  I definitely can't take that.

• 54:41Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah.

• 54:42Speaker 01

  One hundred percent I can't take an amphetamine.

• 54:43Sam Morril?

  Mark, you might wanna get on heroin now that you.

• 54:46Speaker 01

  Speed up that blood flow, see if that clock can clear a little quicker.

• 54:49Mark Normand?

  My parents do a, a baby aspirin. That's their move with a glass of wine and they're all thinned out.

• 54:54Speaker 01

  No, yeah, thanks, Dr. Mark. Uh, I'm on that also.

• 54:58Mark Normand?

  Okay.

• 54:59Sam Morril?

  Mark's medical advice might be a good show. Just have people in with a real problem.

• 55:03Speaker 01

  I can't imagine your wife when you're like, baby's got a fever, put in a cold tub.

• 55:07Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah. She's on her period now. I, you know, I keep her outside.

• 55:13Mark Normand?

  Put the wolves at her.

• 55:14Speaker 01

  I used to have that in a special. Thank God you didn't come to me. Oh, go to the river, do some laundry.

• 55:21Sam Morril?

  What was the baby's first word? Mark, what have you been saying to this kid?

• 55:25Speaker 01

  Oh, you should make their first word a racial slur.

• 55:28Mark Normand?

  Oh, that'll be fun.

• 55:29Speaker 01

  What you should do-

• 55:30Sam Morril?

  What was his first word?

• 55:32Mark Normand?

  Uh, we'll talk later.

• 55:34Speaker 01

  Oh, he's already said his first word?

• 55:35Mark Normand?

  No, yeah.

• 55:36Speaker 01

  Okay, hold on, hold on. Can I tell you a brilliant idea?

• 55:39Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 55:40Speaker 01

  Reach out to a brand, now, and sell his first word.

• 55:44Mark Normand?

  Whoa, Bluetooth!

• 55:47Speaker 01

  Bluetooth. How fucking funny would that be?

• 55:50Mark Normand?

  That's funny.

• 55:51Speaker 01

  It's all you gotta do, instead of going mom and daddy, because that's always their first word.

• 55:54Mark Normand?

  Sure.

• 55:55Speaker 01

  Be like Pepsi.

• 55:55Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 55:56Speaker 01

  Pepsi.

• 55:56Sam Morril?

  The baby just loves Shopify, it's weird.

• 55:59Speaker 01

  And then the baby goes their first word, "Hey, hey, hey, oh, look, guess who's talking? Pepsi."

• 56:04Mark Normand?

  That's pretty genius.

• 56:06Speaker 01

  It's, I'm telling you-

• 56:07Mark Normand?

  That's more of a Whitney move than me. I feel like I can see her doing that.

• 56:10Speaker 01

  I think her baby already talked. How old's your baby?

• 56:12Sam Morril?

  Her baby definitely talked. Says the mom, come on.

• 56:17Speaker 01

  She's gabbing.

• 56:18Mark Normand?

  A year and a week. So he's just hit a year.

• 56:21Speaker 01

  Dude, sell that first word. I'll buy it.

• 56:24Mark Normand?

  That's not bad.

• 56:25Speaker 01

  How much, how much?

• 56:26Sam Morril?

  Poor Osos?

• 56:26Speaker 01

  No, Free Bert.

• 56:30Speaker 01

  Free Bert. Oh, shut up! That was your first word?

• 56:32Sam Morril?

  By the way, we found out there's a way to make a Poor Osos Bodega Cat cocktail. We gotta, we gotta promote the fuck out of that.

• 56:38Mark Normand?

  Pull it up.

• 56:39Speaker 01

  For real.

• 56:39Sam Morril?

  There's a whiskey, I mean, you're gonna get fucked up off this thing.

• 56:41Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah, it's like Long Island.

• 56:43Sam Morril?

  We found it out. When you're, when you're back and you're ready to come back?

• 56:47Speaker 01

  I'll be back.

• 56:48Sam Morril?

  You'll definitely be back.

• 56:49Speaker 01

  I know Mark thinks I'm dead.

• 56:50Sam Morril?

  I know you'll be back.

• 56:51Mark Normand?

  I'm just worried about you.

• 56:51Sam Morril?

  I don't like, well, yeah.

• 56:53Mark Normand?

  We're getting old, it had to end at some point. Everybody kept saying Burt.

• 56:55Speaker 01

  What are you talking about? Stop talking like that. You're talking like I hooked up with a dude at camp. It's not over, we can still hang out, man.

• 57:02Mark Normand?

  That could happen. I mean, you're gonna, something's, you're gonna have to get a vice. It might be dudes, like Charlie Sheen. He flipped over the menu. Did you see the duck?

• 57:10Speaker 01

  Of course I did.

• 57:11Mark Normand?

  Yeah. He went to dudes.

• 57:12Sam Morril?

  I think Burt's gonna be back, dude.

• 57:14Speaker 01

  Guys-

• 57:14Mark Normand?

  It's either dudes or young girls.

• 57:15Speaker 01

  Wait, hold on, hold on. Hey, am I getting kicked out of the club?

• 57:18Sam Morril?

  No.

• 57:18Speaker 01

  What if I, what if I, what if I never drink? I went for a-

• 57:21Sam Morril?

  You're definitely not at a club, dude.

• 57:22Speaker 01

  I called the girls, I called the girls, I was, I'm on the road for like, like-

• 57:26Sam Morril?

  You're on the injury reserve list right now.

• 57:28Mark Normand?

  Yeah, you're on the bench.

• 57:29Speaker 01

  Yeah. I'm like, uh, George Kittle. I blew out my Achilles.

• 57:32Sam Morril?

  You blew your Achilles, but you're gonna come back.

• 57:33Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 57:34Mark Normand?

  There you go.

• 57:34Speaker 01

  I'll be back.

• 57:35Mark Normand?

  Yeah, Aaron Rodgers came back.

• 57:37Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 57:37Mark Normand?

  He blew out his something, right?

• 57:38Speaker 01

  Achilles.

• 57:39Mark Normand?

  Yeah, there you go.

• 57:39Sam Morril?

  I'm the first fucking play with the Jets. That was, that was, you can't write the misery of a Jets fan any funnier than that shit.

• 57:46Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 57:47Mark Normand?

  Right.

• 57:47Sam Morril?

  That was brutal.

• 57:48Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 57:49Speaker 01

  Can I tell you what, so like, he gave me his number.

• 57:51Sam Morril?

  Aaron Rodgers?

• 57:52Speaker 01

  When you talk about selling your kid's first words, his parents were genius. His name is A A R O N, number one in my phone book. Every time I look in my phone book, A Aaron Rodgers, A Aaron Rodgers.

• 58:05Mark Normand?

  Right.

• 58:06Speaker 01

  And by the way, do you give someone your phone book, your phone number if you won't answer their FaceTime? Cause I FaceTimed him so many times.

• 58:11Mark Normand?

  Really? Was he on ayahuasca and all that shit?

• 58:13Speaker 01

  No, no, I will maybe, I don't know. I, yeah, you know what? I don't know where he was at the time.

• 58:16Mark Normand?

  Mm hmm.

• 58:17Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 58:17Mark Normand?

  He's an odd dude. I watch his doc.

• 58:20Speaker 01

  I, I mean, but hang on, odder than Rogan?

• 58:24Mark Normand?

  No, but.

• 58:25Sam Morril?

  Yes, he is. I would say he is.

• 58:26Mark Normand?

  Oh, oh, really?

• 58:26Sam Morril?

  I think he is.

• 58:27Speaker 01

  I think he's softer than Joe, meaning I think Joe's more of a, like, more, Joe's more of like a.

• 58:32Mark Normand?

  Than an NFL player? My Joe could take a lot. He's pretty crazy.

• 58:38Sam Morril?

  I think Joe is way less stubborn and rigid than Aaron Rodgers.

• 58:41Mark Normand?

  Hmm.

• 58:42Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 58:45Sam Morril?

  I think Joe is a far more open minded person.

• 58:48Speaker 01

  Aaron Rodgers, Aaron Rodgers, um, yeah, he, cause he got, he stopped talking to his family.

• 58:53Mark Normand?

  Oh, is that right?

• 58:54Speaker 01

  Yeah, I think so.

• 58:55Mark Normand?

  I didn't know that.

• 58:55Speaker 01

  I think they were selling secrets about him.

• 58:57Sam Morril?

  Yeah, I mean, I don't think that's related to all the other shit, though. I think he is, uh, he's a, probably a complicated guy, but yeah.

• 59:02Speaker 01

  I bet he is. I mean, when I met him, he was like an open book.

• 59:07Sam Morril?

  Really?

• 59:07Mark Normand?

  Hmm.

• 59:08Speaker 01

  I mean, I mean, he showed up in our tour bus with wet hair, like, out of the shower, and we had cameras on. Were you with us?

• 59:15Mark Normand?

  I don't think so. I don't remember that.

• 59:16Speaker 01

  He had cam, we had cameras on, and he was like, he was like, yeah, and he just spilled the beans. Like, I mean, like, everything was, everyone was wondering what he was gonna do and leave the Packers.

• 59:25Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 59:26Speaker 01

  And what was happening with Jordan Love and was, and he, I mean, he talked like an open book in front of the cameras. And I was like, hey, can, we turn the cameras off? And he was like, yeah, sure, turn them off.

• 59:36Mark Normand?

  Whoa.

• 59:37Speaker 01

  And I think he just knew, you're not gonna post this, you, this, you're not gonna post any of this.

• 59:43Mark Normand?

  He's kinda conspiracy guy, too.

• 59:44Sam Morril?

  I don't think he would've minded, though. He, he seems to talk and he wants it to be out there.

• 59:48Speaker 01

  I don't, yeah, I don't think he gives a fuck. I wish I didn't give a fuck. Like, I do give a fuck, you know? Like, I care. I wish I didn't.

• 59:56Mark Normand?

  Yeah, but that's gonna get you in trouble if you don't care. Uh oh, that's Aaron Rodgers.

• 1:00:01Speaker 01

  Oh. Shit, whatever it is.

• 1:00:03Mark Normand?

  Oh, you gotta answer it. Oh boy.

• 1:00:06Sam Morril?

  What does that ring her dude? That's so gentle.

• 1:00:09Mark Normand?

  Yeah, boomer.

• 1:00:10Speaker 01

  Oh, it's the co-star of my show. Let's see where.

• 1:00:13Mark Normand?

  Is it Arden?

• 1:00:14Speaker 01

  It's Arden. Arden, we're with Mark.

• 1:00:16Mark Normand?

  Hey, Arden.

• 1:00:17Speaker 04

  Okay, we just, hi.

• 1:00:18Mark Normand?

  Hi.

• 1:00:18Speaker 04

  How are you, Mark?

• 1:00:19Mark Normand?

  Good, good to see you.

• 1:00:20Speaker 04

  I just, I just saw the billboard.

• 1:00:23Mark Normand?

  Hey.

• 1:00:25Speaker 01

  Here, I'll give you the camera.

• 1:00:27Speaker 04

  Oh shit, okay, okay, I'm gonna turn it around.

• 1:00:29Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 1:00:29Speaker 04

  I'm gonna turn it around. We gotta wait for it, cause it rotates. It's, okay, I'm gonna wait. We gotta wait for it, it's right across the TKTS booth.

• 1:00:36Speaker 01

  She's beautiful.

• 1:00:37Mark Normand?

  Very nice.

• 1:00:38Speaker 01

  She's so great.

• 1:00:39Mark Normand?

  She's good.

• 1:00:39Speaker 04

  Here we go.

• 1:00:40Mark Normand?

  Crazy resume.

• 1:00:41Speaker 04

  I'm seeing it. Here we go.

• 1:00:43Speaker 01

  Have you, billboards are pretty, I'm so, so old school.

• 1:00:46Mark Normand?

  No, I love it. Times Square, baby.

• 1:00:48Speaker 01

  Um, I'm showing you the camera.

• 1:00:51Speaker 04

  Okay, can you see?

• 1:00:52Speaker 01

  I see it. No, I see it, but I don't see the billboard.

• 1:00:55Speaker 04

  Okay, it's coming, it's coming. It'll be back.

• 1:00:57Speaker 01

  Great podcasting. Clip this out.

• 1:00:59Speaker 04

  Okay, wait, it's coming.

• 1:01:00Speaker 01

  Just speed this up and just cut to the, just cut to the, just cut right to the billboard.

• 1:01:05Mark Normand?

  It's gotta rotate, it's gonna show eight other shows, Kardashians, and the rip.

• 1:01:09Speaker 01

  Marcelo Anthony has a special.

• 1:01:12Mark Normand?

  Hernandez.

• 1:01:14Sam Morril?

  You combined Carmelo Anthony and Marcelo right there.

• 1:01:17Speaker 01

  No, this is just as good. I think the anticipation.

• 1:01:20Speaker 04

  Okay, wait, wait, wait.

• 1:01:22Speaker 01

  Oh shit, I'm getting kicked off wifi.

• 1:01:24Mark Normand?

  Oh, good move.

• 1:01:25Speaker 04

  Okay, okay, okay, wait.

• 1:01:27Sam Morril?

  Guys, feel free to Google Burt's billboard if this isn't working for you.

• 1:01:31Mark Normand?

  Yeah, can we pull it up?

• 1:01:33Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 1:01:33Mark Normand?

  Hey nephew.

• 1:01:34Speaker 01

  I'm in a podcast. Just take a picture and send it to me.

• 1:01:37Speaker 04

  Okay, okay, I love you, buddy. Bye, bye.

• 1:01:38Speaker 01

  Love you, bye.

• 1:01:39Mark Normand?

  Congratulations, okay. Hey, that's Hey Big Boy.

• 1:01:43Speaker 01

  Oh, can I tell?

• 1:01:44Speaker 03

  It's just one in general.

• 1:01:44Mark Normand?

  I see.

• 1:01:45Speaker 01

  So wait, so wait, can I tell you what's crazy about that billboard? So my special, do you know this story?

• 1:01:52Mark Normand?

  Mm-mm.

• 1:01:52Speaker 01

  So my special Hey Big Boy came out March 20th, March 17th, 2020.

• 1:01:59Mark Normand?

  Oh, wow.

• 1:02:00Speaker 01

  Stay-at-home orders are March 13th. So, that special performed pretty well.

• 1:02:06Mark Normand?

  Wow.

• 1:02:07Speaker 01

  It was.

• 1:02:07Sam Morril?

  That's what changed our careers. We put out YouTube specials that came out around those.

• 1:02:11Mark Normand?

  In 2020.

• 1:02:11Sam Morril?

  Yeah, so.

• 1:02:12Speaker 01

  And that billboard went up March 17th.

• 1:02:17Mark Normand?

  Oh, I took that photo, I think.

• 1:02:18Speaker 01

  It was up for like three months.

• 1:02:20Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:02:21Speaker 01

  Cause they didn't change the billboards.

• 1:02:22Sam Morril?

  Cause it's a ghost town, yeah.

• 1:02:23Speaker 01

  Cause it was a ghost town.

• 1:02:24Sam Morril?

  But you didn't get the foot traffic.

• 1:02:25Speaker 01

  And I remember you like texted me like, dude, your billboard's still up.

• 1:02:28Sam Morril?

  That's it.

• 1:02:29Speaker 01

  I didn't get any foot traffic, yeah.

• 1:02:30Mark Normand?

  Wow, but that was a great time for content, cause people were just consuming the shit out of everything.

• 1:02:36Speaker 01

  Can we just celebrate, can we celebrate Mark for a second?

• 1:02:39Mark Normand?

  Oh geez.

• 1:02:39Speaker 01

  I was talking about like old school Mark, right? Like the, the like push around Mark, like, like when you could go, hey, we're drinking and Mark was so young in comedy, he'd be like, okay, alright. Not saying that it's changed a ton, but like when we went to Ireland.

• 1:02:53Sam Morril?

  If I, if I really, if I twist his arm, he'll fucking, he'll get it.

• 1:02:56Mark Normand?

  Yeah, pretty easy to push over.

• 1:02:58Speaker 01

  Europe, we got him addicted to Ambien.

• 1:03:00Mark Normand?

  Yeah, that's right, with mans.

• 1:03:02Speaker 01

  Yeah, we got him addicted to Ambien, we drank our faces off. I mean, our faces off, do you remember that?

• 1:03:08Mark Normand?

  Yes, there's a photo be on a plane like this. And you took it and uh, I mean, just the.

• 1:03:14Speaker 01

  We held him down, there's one, and when we were in Ireland, he had a pimple on his back and we held him down.

• 1:03:19Mark Normand?

  There's a video of that somewhere.

• 1:03:20Speaker 01

  And we popped it and he was like, no, no, like screaming.

• 1:03:24Mark Normand?

  That was wild, that was at the, the vicar's street, then we all pull our asses out on stage, remember that?

• 1:03:29Speaker 01

  Oh yeah.

• 1:03:30Mark Normand?

  Saint Torres.

• 1:03:30Speaker 01

  Cowhead came over.

• 1:03:31Mark Normand?

  Cowhead, yeah, we told this crazy stories and then we did, uh, you puked at the airport almost, remember that at like 7 a.m. in like Copenhagen?

• 1:03:39Speaker 01

  You were, I, only you saw it.

• 1:03:42Mark Normand?

  It was bad.

• 1:03:43Speaker 01

  It was bad, I was, I was trying to murder a beer, I wasn't that bad.

• 1:03:47Mark Normand?

  In the middle of the airport bar.

• 1:03:48Speaker 01

  Hold on, I was at the bar. I was at the bar, a guy recognized me, Mark's talking to him and I murdered my beer and I go, oh, it's coming back up and I go, mm.

• 1:03:59Mark Normand?

  Yeah, that's what I was like, this guy's got a problem.

• 1:04:00Speaker 01

  Mark, do you have a piece of gum? And he goes, and real quick he goes, I have a toothpick. And I put a toothpick in my mouth, I was like, uh huh, can I tell you the thing, I was, I don't know, I was saying this to someone. And I was like, so like, I've known you guys since you were young.

• 1:04:13Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 1:04:13Speaker 01

  Like, the, I'll say you guys and Gillis, right?

• 1:04:17Sam Morril?

  Yeah, you've known us longer for sure.

• 1:04:18Speaker 01

  I've known, I've known you, I've known you longer.

• 1:04:20Mark Normand?

  You guys did it, uh, you know, we're getting together in Florida.

• 1:04:23Sam Morril?

  I remember, no, in Hartford, Connecticut, and I remember being like, I love this guy, he's, I do, Bert, I was selling t-shirts, you know, you're trying to make money as a young comic as a feature. And uh, Bert put gay porn in my merch bag.

• 1:04:35Mark Normand?

  Ah.

• 1:04:36Sam Morril?

  And I was like, I like this, there's like instantly, instant light this guy.

• 1:04:38Mark Normand?

  That's great.

• 1:04:39Speaker 01

  I get jealous when I see you guys on the road with your openers and I go, I wish that was me. Because it's it's fun.

• 1:04:47Sam Morril?

  It's fun to make your crew, right?

• 1:04:48Speaker 01

  What's like, you guys both toured with me when I was doing theaters and doing arenas and stuff. And you've been on the road with me.

• 1:04:53Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 1:04:53Speaker 01

  And you got to see my path up. And then, and then now you guys are all blowing up. And I feel, I really am jealous that I don't get to witness it, that I don't get to be a part of it. And then I don't get to celebrate it with you guys.

• 1:05:06Sam Morril?

  My first tour bus, I remember you FaceTiming from your tour bus and you were like, mine's bigger.

• 1:05:11Speaker 01

  Yeah. Like you guys are all, you guys are all going to the Garden this weekend for.

• 1:05:15Mark Normand?

  I'll go tomorrow.

• 1:05:16Sam Morril?

  I'll go pop into an after party or something.

• 1:05:17Speaker 01

  I can't, like, I'm not, I'm, I'm, I'm missing all of this. So I feel like, I feel like, uh, like, you know, the dudes I, I know we all didn't start together, but the dudes I came up with, or all the guys that are blowing up right now, I get really bummed that I don't get to like witness it firsthand.

• 1:05:33Sam Morril?

  Come to New York and hang out, man.

• 1:05:34Mark Normand?

  And that was the beauty of Fully Loaded. It was like a bus full of like Big Jay Soder, Stavros, Vicentino, Barbosa.

• 1:05:41Sam Morril?

  I still remember Bobby Lee falling off the top bunk and busting his, I was so bummed. I was so pumped to hang with Bobby.

• 1:05:47Speaker 01

  Oh, he was bummed.

• 1:05:48Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 1:05:49Speaker 01

  You want to talk?

• 1:05:49Sam Morril?

  I remember everyone just making jokes on the thread, not realizing that he was like in the hospital. Canane's jumping in like, oh shit. And then it's like, no, he's in the hospital, I think.

• 1:05:58Speaker 01

  Mark made the first joke, what was it?

• 1:06:00Mark Normand?

  Oh, I don't remember.

• 1:06:01Speaker 01

  If you think he had an Asian, he sounded Asian before.

• 1:06:03Sam Morril?

  I remember the word being in there for some reason.

• 1:06:05Mark Normand?

  Sure, it's on the comments.

• 1:06:06Speaker 01

  Yeah, Fully Loaded was a fucking blast. I can't, I can't, I can't afford you guys anymore.

• 1:06:11Sam Morril?

  As fun, I would fucking do that in a second.

• 1:06:13Speaker 01

  No, no, no, it's, it's, it's, because I don't, I don't, I go through agents and like, cause it's the right thing to do. I don't want to call you guys, I, I texted you. When, when we were doing the cruise.

• 1:06:22Mark Normand?

  I did the first cruise.

• 1:06:22Speaker 01

  And I said, I texted Mark and I was like, I don't want you.

• 1:06:25Sam Morril?

  I would have done it if your fucking manager demanded an answer the day I was puking into a toilet. And I was like, I was like, can you just wait till tomorrow? And she goes, no. And I was like, well, then it's a no, I'm puking, I can't fucking commit to the, you know?

• 1:06:36Speaker 01

  I can't, I can't argue that, no, you're right.

• 1:06:38Sam Morril?

  I wanted to do it.

• 1:06:39Speaker 01

  I texted Mark and I was like, I, I want you to know, I want you on this cruise. I don't, I don't want offers coming in, you think I, I, I buy, I was like, I'm happy for you. But I just, I can't afford you. And I want you to know that I'm like excited that that's your quote, but like, I can't like.

• 1:06:53Mark Normand?

  That was a very nice text.

• 1:06:54Speaker 01

  But like, I, but it's, it's, you know, it's, it's, it's such a bummer. I wish we did it for charity or something. So like, I wish there was a way to do it so it was favor, I wish Lewis ran it so everyone did it for $700. Like, Jesus Christ. Louis told me, I go, I go, how do you get so much people out there? He goes, I don't talk to their agents.

• 1:07:12Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:07:13Speaker 01

  What? He goes, I don't give them anything.

• 1:07:14Sam Morril?

  No, he just texts you homo and then again and again. Uh, no, we did Legion of Skanks on Monday and we got a whole lot. Well, Bert's coming to town, but he's not doing any podcasts. We're like, yeah, yeah, he's not doing any pods, you know?

• 1:07:24Mark Normand?

  Yeah, he told us to ask you about that. He's like, he said you couldn't do the pod because it would look bad for the show. Free Bert.

• 1:07:30Speaker 01

  I didn't say that.

• 1:07:31Mark Normand?

  But I, we figured that's what it was.

• 1:07:33Speaker 01

  Absolutely. Yeah. Well, they offered me Monday. I flew in Monday. I didn't, I couldn't get there Monday night. Uh, I was doing this and I was doing, I was already booked up. Big Jay hit me up, what, like fucking Sunday? And he was like, hey, uh, are you gonna be in town to do stuff? We got Monday, we got Tuesday, we got Wednesday. And I was like, those, or Thursday. But it's all like, it's bonfire. Legion of Skanks was Monday. I would have loved to have done Legion of Skanks.

• 1:07:54Mark Normand?

  Ah, well, we filled in.

• 1:07:55Sam Morril?

  I'm in front of all three of us.

• 1:07:56Speaker 01

  Yeah, I would have loved to have done it, but I, I.

• 1:07:58Mark Normand?

  All right, well, there you go.

• 1:07:59Speaker 01

  It's also like, I am dealing with like, subtle health issues that I'm trying to like, get my head around.

• 1:08:04Sam Morril?

  Yeah, say, say no to shit if you're not feeling up to it.

• 1:08:07Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:08:07Sam Morril?

  So we love seeing you, but we also could just fucking hang out. Like, if you're not up to shit.

• 1:08:11Speaker 01

  I don't wanna ever feel like, I don't wanna feel, anyone to feel like I'm blowing them off. Like, Bobby tech, Bobby called me last night. And I saw a call from Bobby. Yeah, and I was like.

• 1:08:19Sam Morril?

  By the way, the hero, Bobby Kelly. You heard this story?

• 1:08:22Speaker 01

  About him rescuing the fat chick? Yeah.

• 1:08:24Mark Normand?

  No, I haven't heard that.

• 1:08:25Sam Morril?

  Was she fat?

• 1:08:26Speaker 01

  I don't know. It's when I hear the story.

• 1:08:28Mark Normand?

  He helped Yamanika?

• 1:08:29Sam Morril?

  No, he fucking, a, a girl was drowning in Costa Rica and he swam out. By the way, this is so, I love Mark. He liked the post and he didn't read it.

• 1:08:37Mark Normand?

  I have no idea what you're talking about.

• 1:08:38Sam Morril?

  I know he liked the post.

• 1:08:39Mark Normand?

  I have no idea.

• 1:08:40Sam Morril?

  And it came up, like by Mark Norman. It's a long post by Bobby Kelly saying, he swam out to a steep drop off. He heard a girl screaming for her life. And he swam out and was like, he was like, I was a lifeguard back in the day, so I knew the training, like, don't, don't pull on me. Or I'm going to, uh.

• 1:08:55Speaker 01

  That actually tracks for Bobby, in my opinion.

• 1:08:57Sam Morril?

  Totally. And he fucking saved this girl's fucking. Life.

• 1:09:00Speaker 01

  And you know he became a lifeguard just to get pussy.

• 1:09:02Sam Morril?

  Totally.

• 1:09:03Mark Normand?

  Yeah, oh yeah. By the way, Ozempic might have saved her life.

• 1:09:07Sam Morril?

  You're right. No, he got like a surgery. He didn't.

• 1:09:09Mark Normand?

  Oh, he got lap band.

• 1:09:11Speaker 01

  He got lap band, but.

• 1:09:12Sam Morril?

  But there he is. Look at that.

• 1:09:13Mark Normand?

  Whoa, well, the stereotype.

• 1:09:16Speaker 01

  That was horrible, Bobby.

• 1:09:18Mark Normand?

  Wow, good for you, Bobo.

• 1:09:19Sam Morril?

  Dude, he risked, he only, he could have died. Like, it was.

• 1:09:22Mark Normand?

  Wow.

• 1:09:23Speaker 01

  They say if you're not on a lifeguard, don't try to rescue a drowning person.

• 1:09:25Sam Morril?

  That's how, what's his name died from a fucking.

• 1:09:28Speaker 01

  The Ohuxable.

• 1:09:29Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 1:09:30Mark Normand?

  Really?

• 1:09:30Sam Morril?

  Tell Malcolm Jamal Warner die.

• 1:09:32Mark Normand?

  That's how he died?

• 1:09:32Sam Morril?

  In Costa Rica, because the waters are so bad there. And Bobby risked his fucking life and saved a girl.

• 1:09:37Mark Normand?

  Whoa.

• 1:09:38Speaker 01

  I'm a very strong swimmer.

• 1:09:40Sam Morril?

  I bet.

• 1:09:41Speaker 01

  However.

• 1:09:42Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 1:09:42Speaker 01

  I, oh, oh, I almost drowned, I almost drowned in a, in a, in a triathlon.

• 1:09:48Mark Normand?

  Geez.

• 1:09:48Speaker 01

  Yeah, I was, it was, I was, dude, I dove in, I'm flying. I mean, I'm looking around and I'm touching the toes of the leader of the race. I'm looking over and people are swimming sideways and I'm like, I'm in, I'm number two right now. I was like, I can't believe I'm, I know I'm a good swimmer, but I'm not like that good. I grew up swimming on swim teams. But I'm like, that, not that good.

• 1:10:09Mark Normand?

  Mm hmm.

• 1:10:10Speaker 01

  I get to the buoy and I do this move I had seen online because I'd watched a lot of triathlon videos. And it's like where you flip over like this on your stomach and then do the turn. And I was like, fuck it, bang out the turn. I think I'll come in second place. I bang out the turn and a dude swims over my stomach. And all of a sudden I slow down and a hundred people swim on top of me.

• 1:10:30Mark Normand?

  Whoa.

• 1:10:31Speaker 01

  And they're like, and it said, if you feel like you're drowning, just wave over one of the guys on the paddleboard their rescue. And my ego wouldn't let me wave them over.

• 1:10:40Mark Normand?

  Hmm.

• 1:10:40Speaker 01

  Because I was like, hold on. You've, I've been in bad water before, like, you know, surfing and stuff. I was like, this is not going to kill me. I can float on my back. And I floated on my back, my back, I floated on a black. And then.

• 1:10:55Speaker 01

  It was a large one.

• 1:10:56Sam Morril?

  The opposite of Ari's story, of Bobby's story, sorry. I'm fucking.

• 1:11:00Mark Normand?

  It's alright.

• 1:11:00Speaker 01

  Hey, you guys have done too many podcasts.

• 1:11:02Mark Normand?

  And he's hungover.

• 1:11:03Sam Morril?

  I'm hungover as shit.

• 1:11:05Speaker 01

  And so I float, I grab this black, I get on top of him, and then I ride him into the shores. I told him, I was like, there's, uh, they're free, what's your name?

• 1:11:13Mark Normand?

  They're free Willy.

• 1:11:14Speaker 01

  Free Willy. No, but, but the girl, I, I literally got on my back and like floated, caught my breath, started swimming in, and my daughters were there and like, "Did you almost drown?"

• 1:11:23Mark Normand?

  Whoa.

• 1:11:24Speaker 01

  And I was like, "Yeah, I almost did." And they're like, "We watched it. You almost died."

• 1:11:27Mark Normand?

  Holy hell.

• 1:11:28Speaker 01

  So like Bobby doing this, you, clearly he must have been.

• 1:11:30Sam Morril?

  No, he wrote how scary it was and how, uh, her instinct is to like grab him. He's like, "You grab me, you'll pull me down and we'll both die." He had to explain it when he was like a few feet out of her.

• 1:11:39Speaker 01

  Okay, okay, hold on.

• 1:11:40Mark Normand?

  Dude.

• 1:11:40Speaker 01

  There we go, that's it.

• 1:11:41Mark Normand?

  Can't grab me, okay?

• 1:11:43Speaker 01

  Dad, you grab me, we're both going fucking down.

• 1:11:46Mark Normand?

  Good for Bobby.

• 1:11:47Speaker 01

  Let me tell you something, okay, Bert?

• 1:11:48Sam Morril?

  That works though, dude. He risked his fucking life.

• 1:11:51Speaker 01

  What?

• 1:11:51Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:11:51Speaker 03

  The top comment was, "Grab my hand, dude."

• 1:11:53Mark Normand?

  Oh, so what do you do? You just hold her arm and pull her? Like, how do you do it?

• 1:11:57Speaker 01

  So you're supposed to flip them on their back and then put your arms underneath their arms and sidekick.

• 1:12:02Mark Normand?

  Oh, hopefully he didn't touch her hair.

• 1:12:05Speaker 01

  Just grab her by the hair. And then all you see is a video of Bobby just fucking ragdolling some black chick by braids. Get the fuck up here, dad.

• 1:12:14Mark Normand?

  Now he's in trouble.

• 1:12:15Speaker 01

  God damn it, you guys, and they're, and you can't really hear his other people.

• 1:12:18Sam Morril?

  Comedian cancels.

• 1:12:18Speaker 01

  Another conversation's closer to the camera.

• 1:12:20Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:12:21Speaker 01

  You're not allowed in the ocean, dude. These are our beaches.

• 1:12:26Mark Normand?

  Now, how do the daughters feel about the show? It's basically about them.

• 1:12:30Speaker 01

  Yeah, they, they tried to kill it.

• 1:12:31Sam Morril?

  What?

• 1:12:32Mark Normand?

  Come on.

• 1:12:33Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:12:33Mark Normand?

  Get out of here. They're not gonna ruin their dad's work?

• 1:12:38Sam Morril?

  They were pissed about it?

• 1:12:38Speaker 01

  Of course they are.

• 1:12:39Sam Morril?

  Why, why were they pissed about it?

• 1:12:40Speaker 01

  They were like, "Well, you can't use our names." And I was like, "Cause they, they were like that for the movie, and I, I always thought it hurt the movie, that you, I couldn't use my daughters' names and Sasha and something else for the movie." And so I was like, "No, I'm using your names." Like, I gave you those names, I've talked about it in seven specials.

• 1:12:56Mark Normand?

  Yeah, right.

• 1:12:57Speaker 01

  Like, it's, it's, the cat's out of the bag. And they're like, "Yeah, but you don't understand, we're real people, and people are gonna watch this and think we did that." And I was like, "It's not, it's not real life, it's a fictionalized version of real life." And then, um... And then they watched the pilot. And there's a scene in the first episode where the dinner table, I've kind of fucked up royally. And um, and they, and they watched it and it's hysterical and they were like, alright, we're in. And I was like, for real? And then I was like, if that's how you portray us, like, we're fucking lighting you up nonstop. And I was like, yeah, that's how our real family was.

• 1:13:30Mark Normand?

  Alright.

• 1:13:30Speaker 01

  And so, yeah, they love it now.

• 1:13:32Sam Morril?

  I love that, remember when Louis, he just made his wife black for season two?

• 1:13:35Speaker 01

  It's so crazy.

• 1:13:36Sam Morril?

  For no, for no reason. She was, she was a different woman in season one. He's like, yeah, she's black now.

• 1:13:40Mark Normand?

  Hey, Fresh Prince did it.

• 1:13:41Speaker 01

  What's so funny, I wanted to make-

• 1:13:42Sam Morril?

  They were both black.

• 1:13:43Mark Normand?

  That's true.

• 1:13:44Speaker 01

  I wanted to make the therapist black. Cause there's a therapist in this, spoiler alert.

• 1:13:49Sam Morril?

  He says, maybe it's your mama.

• 1:13:50Speaker 01

  What's the?

• 1:13:52Sam Morril?

  That's good.

• 1:13:53Speaker 01

  It's the worst joke I've ever made.

• 1:13:54Mark Normand?

  I love it. Like, I was bad. You're doing your mama jokes.

• 1:14:03Mark Normand?

  Alright, so you got an N word there.

• 1:14:04Speaker 01

  We're really scraping, we're really scraping the bottom of the barrel here. Bart, Bert, we're sorry.

• 1:14:10Mark Normand?

  Come on, you got it, Diamond Dallas.

• 1:14:16Mark Normand?

  Keep it coming.

• 1:14:18Mark Normand?

  I'm at a barbecue restaurant in Nashville.

• 1:14:19Speaker 01

  Did you ever think, maybe I just wore this outfit as a rodeo clown for the comments? Just go, Bert didn't listen, Bert, look at this fucking asshole. I can take the clothes off.

• 1:14:28Sam Morril?

  Dallas Buyers Club if he didn't get eight.

• 1:14:38Speaker 01

  What were we talking about?

• 1:14:39Mark Normand?

  Oh, your show, the girls, the daughters.

• 1:14:41Speaker 01

  Oh, oh, oh, oh, uh, the black therapist.

• 1:14:43Mark Normand?

  Black therapist.

• 1:14:45Speaker 01

  And then, uh, and they were like, there, it was, the, the principal of the school's black. And they're like, and it's seen as I'm with the principal and the therapist. And they go, I think it's too confusing. They're gonna think they're married or related, like. And so I was like, alright, let's make them white. Because it was like, you need, you need people to see things in a TV show quickly. And identify it.

• 1:15:07Mark Normand?

  Yes.

• 1:15:08Speaker 01

  And I wanted that kid, I think he's gay, he does our specials every week. He's a comic, Josh Johnson.

• 1:15:15Sam Morril?

  He's not gay.

• 1:15:15Mark Normand?

  Not gay.

• 1:15:16Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 1:15:16Mark Normand?

  Yeah, I know.

• 1:15:19Speaker 01

  I wanted him.

• 1:15:20Mark Normand?

  He's good.

• 1:15:21Speaker 01

  I put it out.

• 1:15:21Sam Morril?

  He comes out with a lot of material, just doesn't come out, you know?

• 1:15:24Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:15:25Mark Normand?

  Sam is on fire, by the way.

• 1:15:26Speaker 01

  God damn it, at the fucking buzzer. You really fucking drain him in the third quarter.

• 1:15:31Sam Morril?

  I have to make up for some of these earlier.

• 1:15:34Speaker 01

  No, I thought he was, I thought he was gay, but uh, I thought it would be cool to have him as like the therapist. I thought from that perspective, it would be fun talking to me, but uh, they were like, you know, it's, it's too confusing.

• 1:15:45Mark Normand?

  Right.

• 1:15:45Sam Morril?

  I'll be glad to know he missed out on this role, duty of racism.

• 1:15:48Speaker 01

  No, he, no, he, he uh, he was offer only.

• 1:15:52Sam Morril?

  Oh, okay.

• 1:15:52Speaker 01

  He was like, I'm not reading for it.

• 1:15:53Mark Normand?

  Oh, damn.

• 1:15:54Sam Morril?

  That's cool.

• 1:15:55Speaker 01

  Yeah, well, I mean, it, it makes the process a lot quicker.

• 1:15:58Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:15:58Speaker 01

  I was like, we're not gonna hire you. No one's ever seen you act, so I'm not gonna hire you. Like, I wanted him, but he was like, I only do offers, and I was like, that's totally cool. But I wanted to read with him.

• 1:16:06Sam Morril?

  Bert, Bert, text him, listen homo. Do the fucking role.

• 1:16:09Speaker 01

  I wanted him to do it, cause I, I was like, I thought it would be good, but I wanted to read with him.

• 1:16:12Sam Morril?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:16:13Speaker 01

  And see if our energy was good. Cause I don't know the guy, I've only seen him online, I think he's really funny.

• 1:16:16Mark Normand?

  Couldn't be nicer.

• 1:16:17Speaker 01

  Really smart, smart, and his energy's a little softer.

• 1:16:20Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:16:20Speaker 01

  So I thought that perspective versus me.

• 1:16:23Mark Normand?

  That's good.

• 1:16:23Speaker 01

  As a little frat boy.

• 1:16:24Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:16:25Speaker 01

  But I definitely wanted us to read together.

• 1:16:26Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 1:16:27Speaker 01

  It's funny, man, people who do offer only, it's basically a way of just turning it down.

• 1:16:31Mark Normand?

  I might start doing that, cause I've auditioned for nine thousand things, I've never gotten one.

• 1:16:35Speaker 01

  Don't do offer only.

• 1:16:37Mark Normand?

  Okay.

• 1:16:37Speaker 01

  I'll, I'll, I'll tell you what, the people who weren't offer only, that are famous, you're like, fuck, bring them in.

• 1:16:43Mark Normand?

  Oh, really?

• 1:16:44Speaker 01

  I can't say it, except I'm telling you who didn't get the role. I can only say it about Josh, I think he's a comic, he didn't really, I'm hoping he does.

• 1:16:50Mark Normand?

  No, he's fine.

• 1:16:51Speaker 01

  I think he's a cool guy, but like, uh, but like, I'll tell you, there were actresses.

• 1:16:57Sam Morril?

  Did you send him those flowers, an apology for not a?

• 1:16:59Speaker 01

  I, I think he's great, man. I would love to have had him.

• 1:17:02Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 1:17:02Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:17:03Speaker 01

  I would have fired the other black person to get him. Look at him smiling. But no, but uh, like, there, as far as the wife goes, we got the list, and the list is like, fo- five pages long.

• 1:17:14Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 1:17:14Mark Normand?

  Of actors.

• 1:17:15Speaker 01

  Of Leanne.

• 1:17:16Mark Normand?

  Oh, wow.

• 1:17:17Speaker 01

  And you get like, big fucking name. There were big names that were like, y'all willing to read? I'll, I'll, I'll give you the names, and then you just leave them out.

• 1:17:24Mark Normand?

  People need work.

• 1:17:25Speaker 01

  Uh, fucking, uh...

• 1:17:28Speaker 01

  From fuck

• 1:17:31Speaker 01

  It obviously

• 1:17:31Mark Normand?

  Yeah

• 1:17:32Speaker 01

  I was like, I'll read with you. I was like, I'll fucking read with her.

• 1:17:34Mark Normand?

  How do you not go with her? I mean, she's so hot. Ah.

• 1:17:37Speaker 01

  So you, it's, so you're at a certain And you, by the way, bleep even point out, cause it sounds really shitty. Like be careful with this. Just make it sound like I'm not outing anyone. But like

• 1:17:47Sam Morril?

  Except for Josh Johnson.

• 1:17:48Speaker 01

  But Josh Johnson's cool.

• 1:17:50Mark Normand?

  He's a good guy.

• 1:17:51Speaker 01

  But, um.

• 1:17:52Sam Morril?

  No, that would have been cool though. She's, she's hot.

• 1:17:54Speaker 01

  But yeah, and she's beautiful and she's wildly talented. And then like, dude, some of the people were like, you're like, you're willing to read? And they're like, yeah, man, I'm an actor. And then

• 1:18:03Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:18:03Speaker 01

  Some people were like, you would never fucking hire them? And they're like, offer only. And you're like,

• 1:18:09Mark Normand?

  Okay, good to know.

• 1:18:10Speaker 01

  Hard pass.

• 1:18:11Mark Normand?

  Good to know.

• 1:18:12Speaker 01

  Like, uh, the fucking, I'm gonna say it, just bleep it.

• 1:18:18Speaker 01

  Not the hot one, her fucking fat friend.

• 1:18:20Mark Normand?

  Ah, I never watched the show.

• 1:18:22Sam Morril?

  I don't know who that is.

• 1:18:23Speaker 01

  Uh, that one, go back, that one. No, go, yeah.

• 1:18:26Mark Normand?

  Oh, she's

• 1:18:27Sam Morril?

  By the way, she's not fat. She's fucking hot. What are you talking?

• 1:18:31Mark Normand?

  She's big.

• 1:18:32Speaker 01

  Remember, edit around all these fucking names, please.

• 1:18:34Sam Morril?

  Wait, have you never seen?

• 1:18:36Speaker 01

  Yeah, I don't like her. I don't give a fuck.

• 1:18:38Sam Morril?

  But, but have you seen?

• 1:18:39Speaker 01

  No.

• 1:18:40Sam Morril?

  What?

• 1:18:41Mark Normand?

  Great show.

• 1:18:41Sam Morril?

  It's one of the best comedies of all time.

• 1:18:43Speaker 01

  Even edit the name of that show. This is so dangerous.

• 1:18:45Sam Morril?

  No, no, but Keep it all out. Fucking watch that show.

• 1:18:48Speaker 01

  I'm not gonna, but you know, when you go

• 1:18:50Sam Morril?

  That's fine, but you should still fucking watch that show.

• 1:18:52Mark Normand?

  It's a great, it's one of the best shows ever.

• 1:18:53Speaker 01

  Real?

• 1:18:54Sam Morril?

  Yes, it's fucking brilliant.

• 1:18:55Speaker 01

  Even edit her name out. Just bleep all, so it sounds like we're saying the N word.

• 1:18:59Sam Morril?

  I know, but, but dude, you should watch that show.

• 1:19:01Mark Normand?

  I guess next buddy looks fat.

• 1:19:03Speaker 01

  God damn it.

• 1:19:04Mark Normand?

  Oh, sorry. Fucking sitting there, cunt.

• 1:19:11Speaker 01

  Just be careful with this. I don't wanna get fucking sued.

• 1:19:13Mark Normand?

  This is fascinating though. Who would keep him coming?

• 1:19:16Speaker 01

  Uh, it's, it, it was, you know what's, you know what's really crazy? So the guy who plays Landon, his name's Chris Was, Wasaki.

• 1:19:25Mark Normand?

  Wasaki.

• 1:19:26Speaker 01

  And if you, I'm, Wasaki, I'm sure I'm saying it wrong. He's the guy in the progressive commercials where they're like, are you turning into your dad?

• 1:19:32Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:19:33Speaker 01

  He's hysterical.

• 1:19:34Sam Morril?

  I don't know.

• 1:19:34Speaker 01

  So this is

• 1:19:35Mark Normand?

  You'll recognize him.

• 1:19:36Speaker 01

  You'll recognize him in a, in a second.

• 1:19:38Mark Normand?

  All right. So what about him?

• 1:19:40Speaker 01

  Uh, no, it's, just type in Chris Wasaki.

• 1:19:45Sam Morril?

  Oh, his father was Saki Saki five dollars.

• 1:19:47Speaker 01

  Just type in Free Bird Cast.

• 1:19:49Sam Morril?

  I'm slipping.

• 1:19:51Speaker 01

  Wait, what did you say? You got it right there.

• 1:19:53Sam Morril?

  That's not what we're repeating.

• 1:19:54Mark Normand?

  Some Jap joke.

• 1:19:55Speaker 01

  Official commercial to the right, to the right. Bottom to the right, bottom to the right, to the right, to the right, to the right.

• 1:20:00Mark Normand?

  To the right!

• 1:20:00Speaker 01

  That's it, that's it. Nope, that's not it. Go back. That's it. This guy.

• 1:20:06Mark Normand?

  Yep, yep, yep, yep.

• 1:20:08Speaker 01

  So.

• 1:20:08Sam Morril?

  Okay.

• 1:20:09Speaker 01

  So the guy who was supposed to play his role in the pilot, like bailed at the last minute and he was like, "Yeah, I got something else. I got a paid gig." And, uh, this guy showed up as a favor to a friend. He was like, "Yeah, I'll do it." Like, scale, whatever, just a few lines. So he comes in, does it, and then the show gets picked up. And then we have to think of a, of a plot for the show. Cause I didn't want it to be episodic. I didn't want every episode to be solved. Like, the Crasher family needs a birthday cake. Oh, they get a new dog. Like, I, I start watching those and I just go, I watched three and I go, "I'm done. I got it."

• 1:20:42Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:20:42Speaker 01

  Unless, has to be wildly hysterical, like flyers, or flyers, or tires.

• 1:20:46Mark Normand?

  Or tires.

• 1:20:48Sam Morril?

  Great show, you should have seen.

• 1:20:49Speaker 01

  Well, no, that was episodic back then, was, made sense, cause it was once a week. But when you air six.

• 1:20:54Sam Morril?

  I got it.

• 1:20:55Speaker 01

  Well, no, no, no, when you do six, and if you give me like ten episodes of episodic, I'm not gonna watch all ten. But if you give me Black Doves, have you seen that?

• 1:21:04Mark Normand?

  No.

• 1:21:05Speaker 01

  Have you seen Slow Horses?

• 1:21:06Sam Morril?

  I love Slow Horses.

• 1:21:07Speaker 01

  So in the end of fucking, end of first episode of Slow Horses, did you not look?

• 1:21:11Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:21:12Speaker 01

  Did you not look around the room and go, "I'm watching fucking all of these"?

• 1:21:14Sam Morril?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:21:14Speaker 01

  So I said to Netflix when I pitched the show, I said, "I want it to be like Slow Horses and Black Doves." I want it where you watch the first episode, at the end of the first app, the very last words that come out of my mouth, you say, "I'm, I'm, I'm into this character and I wanna follow his journey."

• 1:21:27Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 1:21:28Speaker 01

  That's the, and so I want you to binge all six.

• 1:21:31Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:21:31Speaker 01

  So it's, it's a story arc through the six.

• 1:21:33Sam Morril?

  He's the only guy who farts more than Norman on fucking camera.

• 1:21:35Mark Normand?

  Really?

• 1:21:36Sam Morril?

  A Gary Oldman.

• 1:21:37Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:21:37Mark Normand?

  Oh, really? All right, I'm watching that.

• 1:21:39Speaker 01

  He farts through, it's, that's, Slow Horses and Black Doves are fucking incredible.

• 1:21:44Sam Morril?

  I gotta watch Black Doves. Slow Horses is phenomenal.

• 1:21:47Speaker 01

  Slow, Slow Horses might be... I mean, the best series I've ever seen.

• 1:21:50Sam Morril?

  Cause it's a great spy show, but it's also funny as shit.

• 1:21:53Speaker 01

  And what it, what it does, Mark, and this is what I attempted to do. And I, and I think when, if you watch the first episode, the last words out of my mouth, you're absolutely gonna go, I'm watching episode two.

• 1:22:03Mark Normand?

  Okay, alright, I'll check it out.

• 1:22:04Speaker 01

  Because that's, I, I.

• 1:22:06Sam Morril?

  We're gonna check it out anyway, but yeah.

• 1:22:07Speaker 01

  I wanted to be, I wanted it to be an arc. So we do the pilot, right? We have the kind of the pilot lied, lied locked in. And then we go, well, what's the arc of the story? What's the six-episode arc? And we came up with this plot of a, of a story that I had, I had a friend that it, I knew a guy who had it happen in his family. And so I made that the plot line.

• 1:22:29Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:22:30Speaker 01

  And in doing that, this character from episode one that was just doing a favor, became very integral to the plot.

• 1:22:36Mark Normand?

  Hmm.

• 1:22:37Speaker 01

  So this guy, Chris, shows up to Atlanta to shoot what he thinks is probably a couple of days, like clean up the pilot. And he's in every fucking episode.

• 1:22:46Mark Normand?

  Oh.

• 1:22:46Speaker 01

  And he's like, and he's like, he gets started like, have you read the script? And he was like, no, why? I was like, you should. And then he like comes over to my room. He's like, dude, I'm in every episode. And we're like, oh yeah, you're in every episode. It's like, changes us everything. And he's like, holy shit. So like, all of a sudden, this story that was supposed to be about his family became this bigger story about this school and about the girls and about kids. And like, I did, I did like lean into wild favors. I got Pac-Man Jones and, and, and T-Pain.

• 1:23:14Mark Normand?

  Oh.

• 1:23:15Speaker 01

  I had Payne go, I was like, dude, can we use your house to shoot? And he was like, yeah. So we shoot at T-Pain's house with Pac. It's, but, but yeah, I, I wanted it to be like Slow Horses are Black Doves so that by the end of the first episode, it carries through.

• 1:23:28Mark Normand?

  Wow, now let me ask you, cause we've pitched a million, he had a show with Brian Cox that didn't go.

• 1:23:32Sam Morril?

  Well, we're, we're working on finance.

• 1:23:34Mark Normand?

  Oh, sorry.

• 1:23:35Sam Morril?

  No, I think it could still go. It's just fucking been two years. It's like, I got fucking Brian Cox and we're like, he loves it.

• 1:23:40Speaker 01

  Doesn't matter.

• 1:23:41Sam Morril?

  It's crazy, right?

• 1:23:42Mark Normand?

  Give us the pitch, what, in the room? I mean, you already have a relationship with Netflix, but did you have to really sell it, razzle dazzle, make it work, shirtless, something?

• 1:23:51Speaker 01

  So initially what I said, I went in, I went in, it was a, a bigger team at the time, it's a different, a little bit of a different team. And like I said, I wanna say it was like. Two years ago.

• 1:23:59Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:24:00Speaker 01

  It was a while ago. These things take forever.

• 1:24:01Mark Normand?

  Forever.

• 1:24:02Speaker 01

  And I said, I brought LeAnn with me.

• 1:24:05Mark Normand?

  Oh, dead weight.

• 1:24:06Speaker 01

  Oh, you have no idea.

• 1:24:08Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:24:08Speaker 01

  Because if I, if I.

• 1:24:10Mark Normand?

  Country bumpkin.

• 1:24:10Speaker 01

  So married to the fucking truth.

• 1:24:12Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:24:13Speaker 01

  If I tell a little bit of an exaggeration, she goes, that's not what happened. And I go, fucking stop it.

• 1:24:17Mark Normand?

  Shut up.

• 1:24:18Speaker 01

  Fucking pitch meeting.

• 1:24:19Mark Normand?

  Yes.

• 1:24:19Speaker 01

  Sell a fucking project, okay?

• 1:24:20Mark Normand?

  Come on, you yappy boy.

• 1:24:21Speaker 01

  I don't sound like that. And so, um, but she's, but it ends up working.

• 1:24:26Mark Normand?

  Uh huh.

• 1:24:26Speaker 01

  They think it's hysterical and they're, what they're witnessing is the relationship of the wife. I didn't realize that.

• 1:24:31Mark Normand?

  Right.

• 1:24:32Speaker 01

  So I told them, I, we had just binged.

• 1:24:34Sam Morril?

  And people lose their mind when she comes out on stage.

• 1:24:37Mark Normand?

  They love her.

• 1:24:38Sam Morril?

  They love it.

• 1:24:38Speaker 01

  People like her more than they like me and they barely fucking know her.

• 1:24:41Sam Morril?

  She is awesome. I love LeAnn.

• 1:24:43Speaker 01

  She is awesome. And so, uh, and so, uh.

• 1:24:45Mark Normand?

  Huge horror.

• 1:24:48Mark Normand?

  That's an old callback.

• 1:24:49Speaker 01

  Real quick, when I was on the hospital bed and I'm, and I, I clearly I'm diagnosed with blood clots in the lungs, but they're like, you're gonna be fine. She starts giggling and I go, what? And she goes, baby, I'm gonna be in this hospital one day and you'll be dying. And I cannot fucking imagine what a nightmare you're gonna be then.

• 1:25:06Mark Normand?

  Oh, damn.

• 1:25:08Speaker 01

  That's true. She's gonna be with me the day I'm dying.

• 1:25:11Mark Normand?

  Yeah, you're right.

• 1:25:11Speaker 01

  One day I'll be in there and it won't be funny. And she'll be like, this is gonna be a long fucking day. Anyway, so we go into Netflix. We go into Netflix. I bring LeAnn and we had just binged Slow Horses and we had just started Black Doves. And at the end of the episode, the first episode of Black Doves, I realized what these series were doing was they were hooking me in the first episode.

• 1:25:30Mark Normand?

  Mm hmm.

• 1:25:31Speaker 01

  And I was like, and I was like, I want to do, I want to do a show about my family. And they're like, we'd love to. I said, I want to do a show about the period of my life, 2016, when I kind of lost everything. And like I got fired from Travel Channel, LeAnn was, I didn't have any money coming in. I got kicked off the Funny or Die tour. All of that was the impetus for my career trajectory because all those things were my driving factors to get me to the next level. It's like, fuck, fuck Funny or Die doesn't want me on Oddball? I'll create my own festival. Um, you guys don't want to book me at your club? I'll sell my own tickets. You want to, like, everything was like, fuck this, I'll do it my own way. You want to kick me off Travel Channel? I'll start my podcast. I'll lean into it. I'll get my own ad sales. I'll make more than I made at Travel Channel.

• 1:26:09Speaker 01

  And so these were all those moments, but there was a tremendous identity crisis that happened at the, in like, no, from November. Probably September, October, November and December. Until things kicked up January 8th, right? January 8th, my life started changing.

• 1:26:27Mark Normand?

  Last year.

• 1:26:27Speaker 01

  Two thousand sixteen.

• 1:26:29Mark Normand?

  Oh, oh geez, sorry, okay.

• 1:26:31Speaker 01

  And so I said, it's all about this. And I said, but I go, I need you to think of that. I want to watch the, the, this, this trajectory of this man from his lowest, where he's lost and confused. And then he finds himself, but he fucks up the whole way, loses himself and then rediscovers himself. And I go, but I want it to be like Black Doves. And they're like, what? And I go, I want it to be like Black Doves. I want it to be like slow horses. I don't want to do episodic where it's like a sitcom about the Chrysler family. I go, I want, I want it to be a serious story. I want it to be kind of like crazy. I want it to have heart. I want it to be like funny as fuck. But I want it to be this man's journey. I want you to, I want the first episode, you go, look at your wife and you go, I'm watching the whole fucking series.

• 1:27:11Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:27:12Speaker 01

  And at the time, they weren't doing that. They were doing like LeAnn Morgan's show and tires, which is all episodic. And so I was like, and they hadn't really thought of like a comedy that way. I don't think, I know they didn't because they said to me at the premiere, Andy Wheel came up and he was like, you know, when you pitch this show, you pitched me Black Doves and I thought you're out of your fucking mind. And he goes, I just watched the first episode with this room. And he goes, everyone was going like, dude, they're playing another one, right?

• 1:27:37Mark Normand?

  Oh.

• 1:27:38Speaker 01

  And he goes, we made what you wanted to make.

• 1:27:40Sam Morril?

  I love that they, the idea, they think you lost your mind. You're like, dude, it's my family, but Mindhunter. And they're like, what?

• 1:27:45Speaker 01

  Yeah, but no, but you have to, like, you know, the one thing I learned in like losing everything in two thousand sixteen and having nothing and being terrified of like what my career is going to be. I did, I did, I did Oxnard, Levity Live. I got paid twenty five grand and I was like, nice, for New Year's Eve. Maybe two hundred and fifty people showed up throughout the weekend. They lost so much money that I remember driving back to LA going, I'm fucked. Like this year's going to be bad. It's going to be really bad. People are going to lose money on me and I'm going back to fucking fifteen hundred dollars a week.

• 1:28:15Mark Normand?

  What? I don't remember. I, we worked together two thousand sixteen, seventeen.

• 1:28:19Speaker 01

  I don't remember that. Two thousand sixteen, I got fired from Travel Channel. Thomas fat shaming me. My special did not perform on Showtime at all.

• 1:28:27Mark Normand?

  Showtime.

• 1:28:28Speaker 01

  Yeah, and, and, and I got kicked off Funny or Die because they just tried to save money.

• 1:28:32Mark Normand?

  Damn.

• 1:28:33Speaker 01

  And they were like, just get rid of him. They didn't, I didn't, I didn't have hotel or flight or anything. I was getting paid $2,000 a weekend to host for Funny or Die.

• 1:28:42Mark Normand?

  Whoa.

• 1:28:44Speaker 01

  And I was like, I was like, I'm fucked. I remember I did, I would do a club and no one would show up. And I was like, I'm fucked. I'm fucked. And then, and then two really big things happened. The Machine Story went viral and Tom and I did the fat shaming and we weighed in on Rogan. And then when I weighed in on Rogan, I started noticing, I started noticing in trends that like, they were spiking and that like, and I was like, whoa. And then I started tracking other people's spike. And then I discovered a show called Hot Ones, reached out to that host and I was like, dude, I'd love to do your show. And then Sean hit me up. He's like, we're getting, letting comedians come on. I did Hot Ones in 2017.

• 1:29:21Mark Normand?

  Whoa.

• 1:29:22Speaker 01

  And then I, but I started really taking control of my career.

• 1:29:24Mark Normand?

  Sober October was it?

• 1:29:25Speaker 01

  Sober October was the following year.

• 1:29:27Mark Normand?

  There you go. That was huge.

• 1:29:29Speaker 01

  But it was like, it was like when you really, it was like, uh, when you really just want to take charge of things. And so that's what I wanted the series to be about is about a guy getting back and losing himself. Like that losing yourself is so important.

• 1:29:41Mark Normand?

  It's terrifying.

• 1:29:42Speaker 01

  I remember, I've said this before, but I'll say it again. I remember, but it's, I don't think you've heard it.

• 1:29:48Speaker 01

  When I got kicked off Oddball, I know they didn't call. It was just like a fucking email.

• 1:29:53Mark Normand?

  Hmm.

• 1:29:54Speaker 01

  And they're like.

• 1:29:54Sam Morril?

  And that's for people that don't know, it's a big comedy festival.

• 1:29:57Speaker 01

  It was like the, it was like the, the stamp of approval.

• 1:30:00Sam Morril?

  I don't know if people know what it is.

• 1:30:01Mark Normand?

  No, I think you're right. It was big in the moment. Like Hannibal, Schumer, Aziz.

• 1:30:05Speaker 01

  Vying Private everywhere.

• 1:30:07Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:30:07Speaker 01

  It was like the, Louis, Dane, fucking Chris Rock, Dave Chappelle. It was huge.

• 1:30:13Sam Morril?

  Kevin Hart.

• 1:30:14Speaker 01

  It was everyone. And then I got put on and they're like, yo, we got you on Oddball. And you know, like things like that for us, like Montreal or Aspen or Oddball, just the offers like, oh.

• 1:30:26Mark Normand?

  Yeah, I'm in the mix. It feels good.

• 1:30:29Speaker 01

  And it was, it was $2,000 a week. For the weekend, uh, no hotel, no, no flight. But I'm like, yo, I'm on oddball, right? And, um, and I remember I got kicked off and I called Tom and I said, Joe, I'm not doing oddball. And he was like, well, yeah, they're pulling dates. He's like, you gotta get your money anyway. I was like, what? And he goes, they pulled some of my dates, but I'm gonna get paid for it? Fuck them. And I was like, really? And he goes, dude, that's too much money. And I went, that's $2,000. And he goes, you're getting paid $2,000 a show? I said, no, a week. And I go, and he goes, whoa. And I said, wait, what are you getting paid? And, and by the way, this is, you know, 2016, this is a long time ago with me and Tom. And he's like, I don't know if I want to tell you.

• 1:31:10Mark Normand?

  Oh, God.

• 1:31:11Speaker 01

  And I was like, wait, what are you getting paid? And he's like, well, I don't want it to fuck up, you know, our, our friendship.

• 1:31:16Mark Normand?

  Oh, boy.

• 1:31:17Speaker 01

  You're getting more than $2,000 a week? And he goes substantially. And so I sat there and I said, hold on a second. And I literally sat and I thought, okay, I want my friend to succeed, obviously. Obviously I do. I've always wanted my friends to succeed. I want to succeed too, but I'm not gonna be mad if someone blows up. I go, okay. So in my head, I go, what number am I cool with him receiving? And I was like, all right.

• 1:31:40Mark Normand?

  Like $2,200.

• 1:31:42Speaker 01

  I said, I said, I said, like $20,000 a weekend, maybe $15,000 a weekend, $15,000 a weekend. Okay. I go, dude, I love you and I want you to succeed. And, and I knew he wanted to buy a house. And I go, how much money are you getting paid? And he goes, 20,000. And I went, okay, that's not bad. And he goes, a show.

• 1:32:01Mark Normand?

  Woo, he had that hot Netflix special back in the day.

• 1:32:05Speaker 01

  Wild, wild. I mean, all his specials have been fucking incredible, but he, he was, it was at that moment that I realized where I was in this business, like where my footing was, what my respect level was. I remember we did, you, you were at a fully loaded Forest Hills, right?

• 1:32:24Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:32:24Speaker 01

  And we did Forest loaded fully hill, whatever, you know what I mean?

• 1:32:27Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:32:28Speaker 01

  It was a crazy show. It was a wild show. The lineup was insane.

• 1:32:32Mark Normand?

  Gillis, yeah, we went swimming after.

• 1:32:34Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:32:35Mark Normand?

  It was awesome.

• 1:32:35Speaker 01

  That's when we found out Gillis is part manatee.

• 1:32:37Mark Normand?

  That guy.

• 1:32:38Speaker 01

  He can hold his breath forever.

• 1:32:40Mark Normand?

  He's like Michael Phelps, but fat, crazy.

• 1:32:43Speaker 01

  Dude, he should have been in Bobby's position.

• 1:32:46Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:32:47Speaker 01

  He could have, he could have rescued McCusker's whole family. And so.

• 1:32:50Mark Normand?

  If it was an Asian girl, it could have really got some goodwill back.

• 1:32:53Speaker 01

  Yeah, no, no joke on the black chick joke, huh? Okay.

• 1:32:55Mark Normand?

  Oh, I didn't hear it. I missed it.

• 1:32:57Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 1:32:57Mark Normand?

  Sorry.

• 1:32:58Speaker 01

  I guess Mark tells him and doesn't listen to him.

• 1:33:00Mark Normand?

  I had an Asian joke.

• 1:33:02Speaker 01

  We had so much racism going on at once.

• 1:33:03Mark Normand?

  Say it again.

• 1:33:04Speaker 01

  Eh, don't worry about my gookey.

• 1:33:06Mark Normand?

  Pull it back up.

• 1:33:07Speaker 01

  Anyway, anyway.

• 1:33:08Mark Normand?

  Sorry.

• 1:33:08Speaker 01

  We get done and there's reps there from all the big, you know, it's New York, so.

• 1:33:13Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:33:13Speaker 01

  EG, everyone's out there. Everyone's out there to come, you know, see what happens. It's a big venue. It's an iconic venue. The lineup is fucking sick. Gillis, Nikki Glaser, me, you, Stavi. I mean, it's a crazy fucking lineup.

• 1:33:26Mark Normand?

  Stavi, not a great swimmer. Sank like a stone.

• 1:33:28Speaker 01

  Yeah. Yeah.

• 1:33:31Mark Normand?

  Sorry.

• 1:33:31Speaker 01

  The Greeks. Uh, so someone at one of the companies goes, this is incredible, man. Congratulations. And I was like, thanks. And they're like, no, no, no. You sold out Forest Hills. Like what? They're like, what made you want to do this? And I looked, I, you know, when you just say things and you don't mean it? But you don't, you mean it, but you didn't think about it? And I go, no one would ever invite me to do this.

• 1:33:52Mark Normand?

  Hmm.

• 1:33:53Speaker 01

  And they're like, what? I go, I put this on because no one would ever invite me to do this. I never got invited to do these, so I made my own. And they were like, oh.

• 1:34:00Sam Morril?

  You're like the girl that people didn't know was hot.

• 1:34:02Speaker 01

  I guess.

• 1:34:03Sam Morril?

  You're in high school. You're like, well, like, you know, like with her. And then you're like, no, I had to like figure it out.

• 1:34:07Speaker 01

  Oh, dude, there are some, those sleeper.

• 1:34:10Sam Morril?

  Was that a bad, that was a horrible analogy.

• 1:34:11Speaker 01

  No, no, no, no, that's a great analogy.

• 1:34:12Mark Normand?

  You're more the fat chick who's funny.

• 1:34:16Speaker 01

  I liked Sam's better.

• 1:34:17Mark Normand?

  Okay, okay, okay.

• 1:34:18Speaker 01

  No, but you know.

• 1:34:18Sam Morril?

  No, I think Bert's a hot lady, dude.

• 1:34:20Speaker 01

  You know, the girl like you work with at like a restaurant?

• 1:34:22Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:34:23Speaker 01

  And then all of a sudden you're like, I'm not into her. And then you kind of catch side tit and you're like, she's got amazing tits.

• 1:34:27Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:34:28Speaker 01

  And then you see her ankles. You're like, dude, she's fucking, and then she smokes weed after work.

• 1:34:31Sam Morril?

  She's got a dick and you're like, I'm still into her. I don't give a shit. It's about DeRosa.

• 1:34:35Speaker 01

  But yeah, I, I think my whole fucking, my whole energy's always been push us, push a rock uphill.

• 1:34:41Mark Normand?

  Damn. I didn't know this because we worked together in Ireland and you were selling out stuff. So I was like, oh, this guy's cooking.

• 1:34:46Speaker 01

  That was 2018 probably. 2017.

• 1:34:49Sam Morril?

  Well, shit changes quickly.

• 1:34:50Speaker 01

  It was definitely 2018.

• 1:34:51Sam Morril?

  Well, I mean, look, now you're doing arenas. You got the specials. You got a fucking Free Bert is on Netflix.

• 1:34:57Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:34:57Sam Morril?

  Watch Free Bert. Now I can't wait to see it.

• 1:34:59Speaker 01

  It's the greatest night of my life.

• 1:35:00Sam Morril?

  Go see.

• 1:35:00Mark Normand?

  Look at that. Look at that. Where the hell was that?

• 1:35:02Sam Morril?

  And go see, and go see Burt on the road. Burt, where are you going to be on the road?

• 1:35:05Speaker 01

  I got, uh, I'm at the Beacon Theater, April 23rd, 24th and 25th.

• 1:35:09Sam Morril?

  The best.

• 1:35:09Mark Normand?

  Oh dude, what a room.

• 1:35:11Sam Morril?

  I'll definitely, I'm definitely gonna.

• 1:35:12Mark Normand?

  What a live show. When you die in a week, I mean, this is gonna be quite a flashing before your eyes. You're gonna see so much cool shit.

• 1:35:19Speaker 01

  I'll tell you, man, when life flashes before your eyes, when you sit there.

• 1:35:22Sam Morril?

  If he was drunk, he would have giggled at that.

• 1:35:24Speaker 01

  No, no, no. Well, it's like, life just happened. It just happened where I was sitting there and I was like, and you go, dude, I've lived a fucking no one, no one expected this to happen to me.

• 1:35:37Mark Normand?

  Right. Nah, you work hard.

• 1:35:40Speaker 01

  No, no, no. When I was like, if I was in, if you met me in college.

• 1:35:44Mark Normand?

  Oh, I see.

• 1:35:44Speaker 01

  You'd be like.

• 1:35:45Mark Normand?

  He's invincible?

• 1:35:47Speaker 01

  You'd be like, no, that guy, that guy fucking didn't do, he didn't study, he never went to class.

• 1:35:51Mark Normand?

  Right.

• 1:35:51Speaker 01

  He just fucking smoked weed, took his shirt off, fucking dicked around, didn't do shit.

• 1:35:55Mark Normand?

  You were Van Wilder.

• 1:35:56Speaker 01

  Yeah, and so, and now here I am.

• 1:35:58Mark Normand?

  And here you are, sober, leather pants.

• 1:36:01Speaker 01

  Career's over.

• 1:36:01Mark Normand?

  TV show.

• 1:36:02Speaker 01

  TV show, I'm leaning into the TV show. By the way, please, uh, I'll do a stand up pose at the, when we post the picture of the three of us. Just have fun in the comments.

• 1:36:13Mark Normand?

  Yeah, oh, you know, they will.

• 1:36:14Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:36:15Mark Normand?

  Leather pants, boots.

• 1:36:16Sam Morril?

  Plug some other shit, man.

• 1:36:17Speaker 01

  I got, I'm at Tampa, I'm in Tampa at the Benchmark Arena.

• 1:36:21Mark Normand?

  Hometown boy makes good.

• 1:36:22Speaker 01

  Uh, I'm in Duluth. I'm in the Sanger Theater in Pensacola.

• 1:36:28Mark Normand?

  Oh, that's a chain.

• 1:36:29Speaker 01

  Another show at the Sanger Theater in Pensacola, Albany, Albany, Boston, Massachusetts. We're doing a run of shows at, uh.

• 1:36:36Sam Morril?

  That's gonna be fun, Bert.

• 1:36:37Mark Normand?

  The Wang.

• 1:36:37Speaker 01

  The Wang.

• 1:36:38Mark Normand?

  That's a great room.

• 1:36:39Speaker 01

  Yeah, uh, yeah, I got Daytona Beach, oh, oh, fully, oh my God, Full Throttle.

• 1:36:45Mark Normand?

  What's this?

• 1:36:46Speaker 01

  Dude, teamed up with NASCAR.

• 1:36:48Mark Normand?

  Whoa.

• 1:36:49Speaker 01

  To put on the party the night before the Daytona 500. Me, Diplo, Ernest and Leonard Skinnerd.

• 1:36:56Mark Normand?

  Whoa, who's Ernest?

• 1:36:57Speaker 01

  Can I tell you a great?

• 1:36:58Mark Normand?

  Goes to camp?

• 1:36:59Speaker 01

  Ernest, no, you don't, you don't know Ernest?

• 1:37:00Mark Normand?

  No. Ernest P. Worrell?

• 1:37:03Speaker 01

  So, there's a group of com, there's a group of, so in Nashville, it's, writing's very big. Like the writing community.

• 1:37:09Mark Normand?

  Uh huh.

• 1:37:09Speaker 01

  So, these great writers will all sit around and they'll write an album for like Morgan Wallen.

• 1:37:14Mark Normand?

  Hmm.

• 1:37:14Speaker 01

  And then Morgan Wallen will play those songs and then have a hit tour, hit album, and all those artists make money off. It's like, it's like if, uh, if a comic, a big comic brought four comics to sit in the back and help write his act.

• 1:37:26Mark Normand?

  Got it.

• 1:37:26Speaker 01

  And then he said, once this act goes out on Netflix, we're all gonna get a cut of the Netflix money.

• 1:37:31Mark Normand?

  Sure.

• 1:37:31Speaker 01

  That's what they do. And Ernest is. If not, one of the top songwriters in all of Nashville.

• 1:37:38Mark Normand?

  Oh, wow.

• 1:37:39Speaker 01

  And he is one of the funniest guys in the world.

• 1:37:42Mark Normand?

  Whoa.

• 1:37:42Speaker 01

  Quickest, funniest, just an amazing fucking talent, but best hang. Dude, you guys.

• 1:37:47Mark Normand?

  Why are you still looking up Ernest goes to fucking jail after he said it wasn't?

• 1:37:50Speaker 01

  You need, you guys should go to Nashville to do a run of They Might Be Drunk, We Might Be Drunk, and whatever it is, They Might Be Giants. And, and you should do a run and hang out with some of these Nashville guys. They are the fucking best.

• 1:38:05Mark Normand?

  Okay.

• 1:38:06Speaker 01

  So, this is the story will end on, I'll try to tell a funny story. And, cause I know that's what podcasts want.

• 1:38:12Mark Normand?

  Diplo, Ernest, yourself.

• 1:38:14Speaker 01

  And, yeah, so we're getting ready to close a deal with Nas, with NASCAR.

• 1:38:19Mark Normand?

  Okay.

• 1:38:19Speaker 01

  Go to the Daytona 600.

• 1:38:22Speaker 01

  You know, we'd love to partner, dot, dot, dot, and, you know, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's, you know, it's a little, Burt, be on your best behavior. So, we're leaving and all I gotta do is get in the car and go home.

• 1:38:32Mark Normand?

  Uh oh.

• 1:38:33Speaker 01

  We're gonna partner big, Lynyrd Skynyrd, it's gonna be huge. Diplo's closing out with EDM, what's EDR?

• 1:38:40Mark Normand?

  EDM.

• 1:38:41Speaker 01

  EDM, EDM, redneck EDM, it's gonna be fucking wild.

• 1:38:45Mark Normand?

  Woo.

• 1:38:46Speaker 01

  All I gotta do is get in the elevator and get the fuck out.

• 1:38:48Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:38:49Speaker 01

  Walk down the hall and there's like a, a fucking 13 year old boy comes out of this room with his mom. And he sees me and he goes, oh, the machine. And I'm like, what's up, dude? And everyone's like, oh, cool, recognize you. And he goes, dude, can I get a picture? And I go, yeah, sure, of course. And he's like, can, can you take the shirt off? I was like, yeah, you can, I'll take the shirt off. So, I take my shirt off, I got like nine people behind me.

• 1:39:13Mark Normand?

  Spacey's got the same story with a 13 year old boy.

• 1:39:16Speaker 01

  Put my arm around him, I got my arm around this child and, and then, uh, his mom is like my age, he gives his mom his camera and his mom's like, who are you?

• 1:39:25Mark Normand?

  Oh, boy.

• 1:39:26Speaker 01

  And I just look at him, I go, I'm a gay porn star.

• 1:39:28Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:39:29Speaker 01

  And this kid looks at me in the perfect timing and goes, real fucking cool, dude.

• 1:39:38Speaker 01

  You know there's no way that kid's gonna convince his mom that he's a fan of a 53 year old comedian who performs shirtless and is named The Machine. There's no putting that toothpaste back in the tube. I told that on Seth Meyers Tonight, everybody. Hey, enjoy the show. Listen, I can't wait to talk to you guys when the cameras are off.

• 1:39:57Sam Morril?

  Can't wait. Come to my special in Tampa, please. Just one show left. Tampa, February 26th.

• 1:40:02Speaker 01

  February 26th?

• 1:40:03Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 1:40:03Speaker 01

  Let's do a promo on my phone. We'll post it on Instagram.

• 1:40:05Sam Morril?

  I love it, dude.

• 1:40:06Speaker 01

  You are, listen, you guys are, I want to talk to you guys about comedy because I'm doing, I'm doing, I'm reading a book right now about storytelling because I feel like for this next, it's probably my last special. There's no reason to do a special anymore. Like, what are we, what are we doing? When I, when I did, when I did Secret Time, there was maybe, maybe 100 specials released that year, right? You could stand out. What do you think, was it like 20,000 this year?

• 1:40:29Mark Normand?

  I mean, YouTube alone.

• 1:40:30Speaker 01

  YouTube alone, every week, I mean, there's two a week on Netflix.

• 1:40:34Sam Morril?

  This is my last one for a while, that's for sure.

• 1:40:35Speaker 01

  Tom's came out on Netflix along with Dave Chappelle, Ricky Gervais, and Marcel. I mean, it was like the whole week of specials.

• 1:40:40Mark Normand?

  I know, wow.

• 1:40:41Speaker 01

  So like, you look at it and you go, I look at this and I-

• 1:40:43Sam Morril?

  I'm gonna chill for a minute after this one.

• 1:40:44Speaker 01

  I'm gonna do this one, I'm gonna do it in 2027. So I gotta, I gotta build up time, I'm gonna work on it. But I was, I started reading a book about storytelling. And I was like, yo, there's like seven story arcs, there's seven types of stories you can tell, right? Like Jaws, Forrest Gump, like there's a, all story, and the only movie to ever have all seven story arcs in it is Lord of the Rings. The only book, right?

• 1:41:07Mark Normand?

  Is that right?

• 1:41:08Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's the only movie to have all seven story arcs. It's really, Seven Basic Stories is what it's called. It's what I'm reading. So I was like, yo, I should really challenge myself as a storyteller and try to like incorporate as many different types of stories in this, as short or as quick as I can. But I was like, that's the thing with joke writing, is like, I was like, what, when you write, are you guys always trying to write the perfect joke or perfect the joke?

• 1:41:34Mark Normand?

  Perfect the joke.

• 1:41:35Speaker 01

  So take the joke-

• 1:41:36Mark Normand?

  You want your joke to work hard.

• 1:41:37Sam Morril?

  Honing it.

• 1:41:38Speaker 01

  Honing that joke.

• 1:41:39Mark Normand?

  That joke.

• 1:41:40Speaker 01

  So everything for you, because I was thinking about this, I'm trying to build a log cabin. Where you guys are just whittling and going, that's the perfect log cabin like this.

• 1:41:52Mark Normand?

  A lot of whittling.

• 1:41:53Speaker 01

  Right?

• 1:41:53Mark Normand?

  Yeah, for sure. Although I gotta get that storytelling book to my wife because she stinks. But yeah, I like that. That's good.

• 1:42:02Speaker 01

  But like I said to myself, I'll do this special in 2027. And then I go, I gotta, I'm gonna take, I'm gonna take a break.

• 1:42:09Sam Morril?

  Take some time off, dude. You deserve it.

• 1:42:10Speaker 01

  And so, so I'm gonna really work on this one and try to make it like standout. Crazy pants, jacked, shredded, spray tan.

• 1:42:21Sam Morril?

  Well, we gotta wrap this up, Burke, because we got a dinner.

• 1:42:23Speaker 01

  Let's go dinner.

• 1:42:23Sam Morril?

  Where you're gonna have two bites of fish and Mark and I are gonna feast.

• 1:42:26Mark Normand?

  Oh yeah, I'll eat the rest of yours.

• 1:42:29Speaker 01

  I love you guys.

• 1:42:29Sam Morril?

  We love you, dude. Congrats on everything and it's so, so good to see you always.

• 1:42:33Speaker 01

  Thank you, guys.

• 1:42:33Mark Normand?

  Don't die.

• 1:43:20Speaker 05

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