Pod Insights Conan O'Brien Needs A Friend The Conan and Jordan Show – Marriage Counseling About this episode On this episode of “The Conan and Jordan Show”, Conan and Jordan attempt to understand their partnership by inviting renowned relationship experts Drs. John and Julie Gottman into the studio.
Transcript 12,131 words · 7 speakers
Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.
0:03 Conan O'Brien? This message is brought to you by Apple Card. Fall season always brings its fair share of surprises like the first snow or late night trip to the store for your kid's school project. No matter what the season brings, Apple Card's got you covered. You know, if you leave the house, you gotta have your Apple Card. Yeah. You can earn 2% daily cash back when you use Apple Card with Apple Pay. Nice. Yeah, you take those quick trips, "Oh, your kids are gonna need back to school stuff." You got your Apple Card, you're ready to go. Yeah. Apply for Apple Card now and use in minutes with Apple Pay. Subject to credit approval. Apple Card is issued by Goldman Sachs Bank USA, Salt Lake City Branch. Terms and more at applecard.com.
0:43 Conan O'Brien? Your child's clean credit history can make them a target for identity thieves. Well, guess what? With LifeLock, you can add family members to your plan, giving you the power to block identity threats targeting your children. Now, Sonya, your kids are pretty young still. They are. Five, but within a couple of years, you know, they're gonna be buying heavy machinery online. What? I'm just imagining them buying... They're gonna be... become tractor fanatics. They're gonna be buying tractors online. So if you have expenses or money stolen due to identity theft, you're backed by the million-dollar protection package with up to $3 million coverage in some plans. So join now, save up to 30% off your first year. Go to lifelock.com/conan. That's lifelock.com/conan to save 30%. Terms apply.
1:40 Conan O'Brien? Okay, well, if you're listening to the song "Tom Sawyer", you know that you are enjoying the Conan and Jordan Show. This is a show you can't find it anywhere else. And so far, I'm told, people love this show. It's doing quite well, and it's growing. It's growing rapidly because people are fascinated with the relationship between Conan O'Brien and Jordan Schlansky. How long have we been... Shooting remotes and things together, Jordan. You've worked for me for how many years?
2:14 Speaker 01 Approximately thirty years.
2:15 Conan O'Brien? Okay, and uh, we started shooting things, I don't know, like twenty years ago, maybe?
2:22 Speaker 01 Fifteen to twenty.
2:23 Conan O'Brien? Okay. I like that you always give a range.
2:25 Speaker 01 It's really not completely relevant.
2:28 Conan O'Brien? I think it is. I am educating. Listen, I go anywhere in the world. I was just in Ireland, shooting some stuff for uh, Max. Used to be called HBO, and then someone said, "No, that name's too cool. Let's call it Max." So, anyway, I was shooting something for them in Dublin, and uh, someone, people were coming up to me on the street and saying, "Where's Jordan?" People all over the world know that you and I have this fraught relationship. It lives online, and now it lives on Sirius XM, and I couldn't be happier.
2:57 Speaker 01 Yeah, that's fascinating to me. International connection is um, it's a great coming together of humanity from disparate cultures and communities. And this technology that we find ourselves surrounded with allows this to happen, and really it just allows for a deeper human connection.
3:12 Conan O'Brien? Yeah, okay, well, if we could cut that, I would, but uh, I don't know that we have the money to edit. I'm just gonna let it sit there, uh, just um...
3:24 Speaker 01 Well, you brought, you brought up the subject, so I just expanded on it.
3:27 Conan O'Brien? Oh, there's no need to expand. What if you'd been sitting next to Lincoln when he gave the Gettysburg Address? Four score and seven years, I'd just like to uh, point out, of course, that uh, four score and seven years ago, of course, that's a shorthand. Uh, he is referring to the uh, Declaration of Independence, uh, and uh, you know, no, Lincoln didn't need someone to expand.
3:45 Speaker 01 Well, this is a radio show, and I do have a microphone in front of me, so the implication is I'm supposed to speak.
3:50 Conan O'Brien? I spent half an hour trying to saw that microphone off its stand, because I want to do a radio show with you where you don't have a microphone. That's what I would like. Jordan, part of our appeal, if we can call it that, some of the fascination, is that people can tell that my irritation with you is real.
4:10 Speaker 01 I see.
4:11 Conan O'Brien? Do you agree with that? I mean, there is...
4:13 Speaker 01 This is not for me to assess.
4:14 Conan O'Brien? Well, it's not a bit, is what I'm saying. There's no way I could invent this contentious relationship. This is not wrestling. Uh, this is real. You're constantly getting under my skin. Uh, you and I have had many issues over the years. For a long time, I didn't know what you did on the show.
4:35 Speaker 01 Okay.
4:35 Conan O'Brien? I'm just being kind, because I still don't know
4:37 Speaker 01 Right.
4:37 Conan O'Brien? why you're working for me. Um, and you've committed, I think, some crimes. You know, you've purchased expensive equipment that you yourself used and you charged it to the show. You came in late for a while. Uh, you've traveled the world with me, you're a know-it-all. You've, I've caught you many times saying the wrong thing, uh, and you never backed down. And, um, here we are after all these years and I don't feel we've made any progress. Do you think we're making progress?
5:05 Speaker 01 I didn't know we were attempting to make progress. What exactly was the assignment?
5:08 Conan O'Brien? I like us, I would like us to not fight all the time. Is that possible?
5:13 Speaker 01 Well, I mean, we're two men in an incredibly intimate situation. I think that we explore.
5:18 Conan O'Brien? What does that mean? You're bringing up a sexual connotation now.
5:21 Speaker 01 Uh, intimacy is not necessarily sexual, although often is. Uh, you and I-
5:26 Conan O'Brien? Hey, with me, whenever I'm intimate with someone, it quickly becomes sexual.
5:29 Speaker 01 Mm-hmm. Well, you're intimate with me.
5:31 Conan O'Brien? Yeah, and I'm afraid it's gonna get sexual very quickly.
5:34 Speaker 01 Okay.
5:35 Conan O'Brien? Uh, I'm already aroused. I'll be honest with you.
5:37 Speaker 01 Okay.
5:38 Conan O'Brien? I mean, nothing's happened down there in four years. So this is a huge, huge deal for me. It's like a zombie waking up after a long sleep. Rrrrr. Jordan, I would like to get along with you.
5:51 Speaker 01 Okay.
5:52 Conan O'Brien? Would you like the same thing?
5:54 Speaker 01 I think we do get along.
5:55 Conan O'Brien? What are you talking about? All we do is bicker.
5:57 Speaker 01 Well, I mean, we're two friends and, uh-
5:59 Conan O'Brien? I don't think we're friends. I'm your boss. You have to understand that.
6:02 Speaker 01 Well, both of these things are true.
6:03 Conan O'Brien? There are barriers.
6:05 Speaker 01 Well, they're not mutually exclusive concepts. Uh, we are friends.
6:08 Conan O'Brien? We are friends.
6:09 Speaker 01 Yes.
6:09 Conan O'Brien? I pay you.
6:10 Speaker 01 Okay.
6:11 Conan O'Brien? And I wish you did as I told you to do.
6:13 Speaker 01 Okay.
6:13 Conan O'Brien? But in, yes, and if that still means we're friends, then yes. And I dream of firing you.
6:19 Speaker 01 Okay.
6:20 Conan O'Brien? But we're still friends.
6:21 Speaker 01 Are you asking me about these things? Or are you just telling me that you dislike me for real and you dream about terminating my employment?
6:27 Conan O'Brien? Do you, listen.
6:29 Speaker 01 I don't know what kind of response you're looking for.
6:30 Conan O'Brien? Okay, Jordan, let me ask you something and be completely honest with the viewers. I do have people that say to me, oh, this must be some kind of bit. This must be some kind of thing that they work out. We have never worked anything out.
6:43 Speaker 01 That is absolutely true.
6:44 Conan O'Brien? Well, I would like us, I'm at a stage in my life, God knows if I have much time left.
6:52 Conan O'Brien? And I would like to, I'd like to make progress. I'd like to make peace. And I, there are, I don't know, there might be 50 hours online of you and I bickering.
7:03 Speaker 01 Okay.
7:04 Conan O'Brien? That circulates the globe at all times. And I would like to stop the cycle if I could. I would like you and I to get along and figure out what is it maybe I'm doing, but mostly what is it you're doing?
7:16 Speaker 01 Okay.
7:16 Conan O'Brien? Like me, maybe 10%, you 90%. You're like the iceberg on the Titanic. Really, you're the one that's at fault. You're the one that tore the side off my ship. And now all those women and children, men are gonna die. But anyway, again, you're iceberg, mostly your fault.
7:36 Speaker 01 You struck me, ended up getting hurt in the process.
7:39 Conan O'Brien? It was dark.
7:40 Speaker 01 Right.
7:40 Conan O'Brien? It was dark.
7:41 Speaker 01 Right.
7:41 Conan O'Brien? It was very dark. There was no technology.
7:44 Speaker 01 Yes, but you knew it would be dark. It's not a surprise that it was dark. Darkness happens. There's day and there's night.
7:49 Conan O'Brien? It was a maiden voyage, my first time at sea. And I didn't know that the night came on so darkly in the North Atlantic. You, fucking iceberg, you came along and you weren't lying there. You were, of course, everything floats and moves in a current. You came hurtling down from the north and you smashed into me. I was having a good time. Bowen Yang does a wonderful sketch on this where he's the iceberg and claiming it's not his fault. No, it was the iceberg. I disagree with Bowen Yang.
8:17 Speaker 01 I understand from an entitled perspective, you may think you can move through life without worrying about obstacles and just go where you please. But there are icebergs out there and you do need to navigate them like any other human.
8:28 Conan O'Brien? Okay. My point is, you're large and inanimate. You're frozen to the touch.
8:33 Speaker 01 I'm a mesomorph. I'm medium.
8:36 Conan O'Brien? What's that?
8:37 Speaker 01 You're large.
8:38 Conan O'Brien? Why do you say I'm large? I'm tall.
8:39 Speaker 01 Why do you say I'm large? I'm a mesomorph. I'm very average. I'm medium.
8:43 Conan O'Brien? Okay.
8:43 Speaker 01 Moderate.
8:43 Conan O'Brien? I've never heard an iceberg speak so, you know, insanely about their body type. Think icebergs float around and say I'm a mesomorph? No, they don't. What I was, the point I'm trying to make is that I have drifted through my career peacefully, with little friction. I'm a high-class operation, beautifully-built ship. And then this lunky piece of ice slammed into me and ruined everything. So, let's fix this. Are you ready to fix it?
9:13 Speaker 01 Sure.
9:13 Conan O'Brien? I am. Now, I'd like to introduce Frank Smiley.
9:16 Speaker 02 Hello.
9:16 Conan O'Brien? Who's the producer of The Conan and Jordan Show. I have to keep looking to make sure that that's actually the name. I'm glad my name is first.
9:22 Speaker 02 Right. Well, this is a very special episode.
9:27 Speaker 01 It feels special. Something's going on here.
9:28 Speaker 02 Right.
9:29 Speaker 01 By the way, I don't know, I don't know what's going on.
9:30 Conan O'Brien? No, no. And you know what I love? You never know what's going on.
9:33 Speaker 01 Yes. We're sitting in different positions. There's like a hubbub going on and I, I don't know why.
9:38 Speaker 02 Well, I'll tell you why. Because today, we have two guests.
9:43 Speaker 01 Okay.
9:43 Speaker 02 The Gottmans.
9:45 Speaker 01 Okay.
9:45 Speaker 02 Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman and Dr. John Gottman. They are the co-founders of the Gottman Institute in Washington. And they're here to help you. What they are is world-renowned psychologists. And they work on marriage stability and divorce predictions. And they're really good at this. They know how to deal with people who have conflicts.
10:08 Speaker 01 Yes.
10:08 Speaker 02 And they know how to help them with their conflicts.
10:10 Conan O'Brien? They also, I'll mention it now, I'll mention it again as a plug. This has nothing to do with what we're doing, but it actually has everything to do with what we're doing. They have a book called Fight Right. They have, they are such experts, they've written a book. It's all about how to fight correctly. And these are experts. I mean, these might be the two foremost authorities on fighting, conflict resolution partners. You and I are partners. We didn't ask to be, but we've been thrust together into this situation. And I think there's a good chance, the Gottmans, do you agree, Frank? The Gottmans, if anyone can help us, it's the Gottmans.
10:53 Speaker 02 It's the Gottmans, for sure. So, let's bring them in.
10:55 Conan O'Brien? Let's bring them in.
10:56 Speaker 02 Okay.
10:58 Speaker 03 Oh, here they come.
10:59 Conan O'Brien? Here they come. Oh, hello there.
11:02 Speaker 04 Hello.
11:02 Conan O'Brien? How are you? Do I call you Julie?
11:04 Speaker 04 You do call me.
11:06 Conan O'Brien? Dr. Julie and Dr.?
11:07 Speaker 01 Hey, Jordan, Doctor.
11:08 Conan O'Brien? Pleasure.
11:09 Speaker 01 John.
11:09 Conan O'Brien? I'd stand, but I met you already and my legs don't work.
11:13 Speaker 04 And that's enough.
11:14 Conan O'Brien? One standing for you guys was enough. Do I call you Dr. Julie, Dr. John? What do you like?
11:19 Speaker 04 John Julie.
11:20 Conan O'Brien? Okay, all right. Well, listen, let me start by saying I don't respect what we do in this studio. And so when people like yourselves, who are real professionals, take time in to come in and help us, it's a blessing.
11:36 Speaker 01 Yes.
11:36 Conan O'Brien? It's really nice.
11:37 Speaker 01 And I'll say that I've never met you two before, but you have the air of incredibly kind people. There's something, there's a vibe that you two have that makes me feel like I've known you for years.
11:46 Conan O'Brien? I did not get that. I did not get that. I saw them shoot kindness towards you and what I received was a hostility and mixed with indifference.
11:57 Conan O'Brien? Let me start by saying, thank you very much, Doctors Gottman, for being here. You really do know your stuff and it's thrilling to be in the room with you because I'm sitting here with my friend Jordan and I'd like to start by saying, how aware are you of my relationship with Jordan Slansky? Have you viewed any of the footage?
12:18 Speaker 03 Yeah, I have. We both have.
12:20 Speaker 04 Yeah, we have viewed the footage. We see the problems in the relationship. We saw that within about three and a half minutes. And it was obvious that both of you guys were uncomfortable, really uncomfortable. And it just kept getting worse.
12:38 Conan O'Brien? Yeah.
12:38 Speaker 04 Yeah.
12:39 Speaker 03 So the first thing we want to offer are these two pulse oximeters for you to put on.
12:43 Conan O'Brien? Wait a minute. What are you talking about? What are you talking about here? This gentleman just, John, just held up two strange devices. I don't know if those are legal. I don't know if they're sexual in nature.
12:55 Speaker 04 They won't shock you.
12:56 Conan O'Brien? Okay.
12:57 Speaker 04 They won't stimulate you.
12:58 Conan O'Brien? Oh.
12:59 Speaker 04 They record your heart rate.
13:01 Conan O'Brien? That's what I said to my wife on our wedding night. This will not shock you or stimulate you. Sorry, that's terrible. Oh, this is cool.
13:09 Speaker 03 Put it on.
13:10 Conan O'Brien? I've put this pulserometer on my...
13:12 Speaker 03 Jordan is now putting it on.
13:13 Conan O'Brien? I'm sorry, pulse oximeter.
13:15 Speaker 03 Right.
13:15 Conan O'Brien? And tell us what a pulse oximeter does.
13:18 Speaker 03 So it's looking at your blood. It's measuring heart rate. And it's also measuring the percent of oxygen in your blood.
13:27 Conan O'Brien? Okay.
13:28 Speaker 04 Yep.
13:29 Speaker 03 And it's set at an alarm. Uh, and the alarm is if your percent oxygen goes below 95% or your heart rate goes above 100 beats a minute. That's around when we start secreting our two stress hormones, cortisol and adrenaline.
13:46 Conan O'Brien? Cortisol and adrenaline.
13:48 Speaker 03 It'll be.
13:48 Speaker 04 He's still going.
13:49 Speaker 03 Well, it beeps, but it, it gives an alarm.
13:52 Conan O'Brien? Yeah, well, I'm sorry. Uh, what, why is yours going off right away?
13:57 Speaker 04 Let's see the numbers. What are the numbers?
13:59 Speaker 01 Uh, 99 and 130.
14:01 Speaker 04 Yep.
14:02 Speaker 03 What does that mean?
14:02 Conan O'Brien? 130. Well, can I point out quickly, he is, we're not sure he's from Earth. We don't know, uh, he may have six Vulcan hearts.
14:10 Speaker 04 Funny, he does look like he comes from Earth. So, um, what that means is that your heart rate is so high that you're extremely uncomfortable. You're in a little bit of fight or flight.
14:23 Conan O'Brien? Wow.
14:23 Speaker 04 Right now, just right now.
14:26 Conan O'Brien? This is fantastic.
14:27 Speaker 04 Sitting.
14:27 Conan O'Brien? Hold this, hold your hand up to them. Don't hide it.
14:30 Speaker 01 Yeah.
14:30 Conan O'Brien? Don't hide it. You are, you set off that alarm immediately and you're sitting in a chair.
14:36 Speaker 01 Look, I don't know how, if this has been calibrated. I can't verify its accuracy.
14:39 Speaker 04 It has, it has.
14:40 Speaker 01 Okay, I accept that.
14:41 Speaker 04 You know, what it tells us, see, you guys have already had an interaction, right?
14:45 Speaker 01 Yeah.
14:46 Speaker 04 You've just had interaction and you sat, you took it in. It was critical. It put you down a lot.
14:55 Conan O'Brien? You might have to take that off. We should take that off for a second because I think the, uh, listeners, uh, listening right now will go insane. So take yours off just for a moment and for it to allow it to recalibrate.
15:04 Speaker 04 Yep. So basically when your heart rate goes over 100 beats a minute, it means you feel attacked.
15:11 Speaker 01 Hmm.
15:11 Speaker 04 That's what it means. And your body is, uh, reacting as you would if you were facing a saber tooth type.
15:20 Speaker 01 I see.
15:21 Speaker 04 Heart rate goes up. So, you know what would be good to do, guys, is if we could just watch you for, you know, five minutes or something, just talk about a problem you guys haven't solved, whatever it is, we'll just watch and see where we might be able to shift things a little bit. I understand. Does that sound okay?
15:46 Conan O'Brien? That sounds fantastic. I'm watching. My heart rate is now ninety-three. It's plummeting.
15:50 Speaker 04 Oh, good.
15:51 Conan O'Brien? It says here I'm having a small stroke. I'm glad you guys laughed.
15:56 Speaker 01 So, these are evolutionary responses, designed to protect us against a threat, against a large prehistoric animal that may be attacking us. Our body reacts in a way that will really ensure our survival. And my reaction to this animal is, is it to, in the end, to benefit my own survival.
16:17 Speaker 04 Jordan, can I point out something? Human beings are pack animals.
16:22 Speaker 01 Yes.
16:22 Speaker 04 We need each other. We depend on each other. And in fact, we can't survive unless,
16:29 Speaker 01 Right.
16:30 Speaker 04 unless we have
16:32 Conan O'Brien? It just keeps going off.
16:33 Speaker 04 We have connection and
16:35 Conan O'Brien? You know, it's interesting.
16:37 Speaker 04 Wait, Conan.
16:37 Conan O'Brien? Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
16:38 Speaker 04 Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. And the fact that this relationship is not a healthy connection, it doesn't feel good to you, and that's getting highlighted a little bit, up goes the heart rate.
16:52 Speaker 03 Well, the problem arises when it becomes non-adaptive, which means that it's a chronic elevation.
16:58 Speaker 01 I see.
16:58 Speaker 03 If it's there all the time, then it kind of spirals down.
17:03 Speaker 01 I understand.
17:04 Speaker 03 And neither one of you then can really ask one another for what you really need.
17:09 Speaker 04 Right.
17:09 Speaker 03 And that's part of what we want to help you do.
17:12 Conan O'Brien? Now, here's where it gets tricky, because you said, "I need to ask Jordan for what I really need." But what if what I really need is for him to shut up?
17:21 Speaker 04 Okay, so what you're saying is that
17:25 Speaker 04 That's not a personal need. What that is, is trying to control his interaction with you.
17:33 Conan O'Brien? Yes, that's what I want to do.
17:34 Speaker 04 Okay, so flip it on its head.
17:37 Conan O'Brien? I'd love to. I'd love to flip him upside down.
17:39 Speaker 04 Okay. Uh, that's probably not something Jordan would really enjoy.
17:44 Conan O'Brien? Oh, I hadn't thought of that.
17:45 Speaker 04 Uh, yeah. And so, try saying how he could shine for you. What could he do right for you?
17:54 Conan O'Brien? Very good. You could work for someone else.
17:59 Conan O'Brien? In a different profession. Maybe in a, I think in a different city. Um, that's something that might make me happy.
18:07 Speaker 04 Okay, so let's pause a minute. So what's it like for you when you hear him say that?
18:12 Speaker 01 Well, I don't feel like it accurately reflects my work performance. I think I bring value to my employment. Uh, I think I bring value to your life as a friend and compatriot. Um, I think, I'd like to think, I'd like to think that your life is of a better quality for having known me.
18:31 Conan O'Brien? Yeah.
18:31 Speaker 01 Uh, maybe that is arrogant in some fashion, but um, I'd like to think we have a mutually respectful relationship.
18:39 Conan O'Brien? Mm-hmm.
18:39 Speaker 01 I certainly respect you. You're an extraordinary man.
18:43 Conan O'Brien? But can I say something? I'd like to just bring up, just for the record, oh, I'm, I'm sorry.
18:48 Speaker 04 What was it like for you to hear him say, "I certainly respect you"? Do you believe him?
18:55 Conan O'Brien? Ah, did you guys watch the OJ trial?
18:59 Speaker 04 A little bit.
19:00 Conan O'Brien? Yeah.
19:01 Speaker 04 I see. Is that the parallel?
19:03 Conan O'Brien? Yeah, I think he's a murderer. Uh, and um, I, I, I'm not sure I buy what he's selling. Uh, do you respect me? Because, and, and here's what I'm gonna say. There's tons of footage of him criticizing.
19:19 Conan O'Brien? My skin, the shape of my face. He sometimes more than implies that I've put on a little weight. That I, he calls me, uh, I think he's referred to me as the beast and the monster.
19:32 Speaker 01 Um, you're presenting this information with no context.
19:36 Conan O'Brien? Now, what is the proper context for that?
19:38 Speaker 01 Let's be, let's be realistic, okay? We've known each other for decades. Um, and we work in a very intimate environment, uh, many hours. We've been through tough times and, um,
19:49 Conan O'Brien? Good times.
19:49 Speaker 01 Seen each other grow, uh, been there for each other through thick and thin. Um, I've seen emotional damage, I've seen physical damage. Uh, I-
19:59 Conan O'Brien? What are you talking about?
20:00 Speaker 01 Well, I've seen, uh, injury, I've seen you, uh, concussed.
20:04 Conan O'Brien? Yeah.
20:04 Speaker 01 Uh, yes, I've seen you in your, uh, lowest emotional state and your highest emotional state.
20:10 Conan O'Brien? Um, often within a one hour period.
20:12 Speaker 01 Yeah, and, and with that intimacy, with that intimacy, because we are human beings and this is not a robotic, uh, interaction.
20:21 Conan O'Brien? Only an alien keeps saying, "I'm a human being and not a robot." Most human beings just-
20:26 Speaker 01 What I'm saying is there are gonna be ups and downs. Yes, of course, I respect you and I think you're a great man. Uh, are you without injury to me? Have there been injurious experiences? Of course there have. And I accept that as part of the human experience. Uh, we can speak of them if you like.
20:43 Conan O'Brien? Jordan went into great detail once, doctors, about how he thought that I was in great shape because he reviews all the footage. And then, um, wow, my monitor's going up now. And then he said that there was a period of time, like a two-year period where he thought I gained weight and I, uh, he said, "It sickened me to look at you during that period of time." Did you not say that?
21:02 Speaker 01 Well, listen, uh, again, we have to present proper context. Of course, I'm concerned about your health and your longevity, both from a, um, practical financial standpoint and also a human relationship standpoint. Uh, if I see you partaking in unhealthy behavior, I'd like to think we're at a stage where I can mention it to you respectfully.
21:20 Conan O'Brien? You said there were periods in the late night show, uh, when I, you thought I gained weight, probably in the early 2000s.
21:26 Speaker 01 2002.
21:29 Speaker 04 Have you got the date?
21:31 Speaker 01 Uh, yeah, it was, it started the end of 2001.
21:33 Conan O'Brien? It was right after.
21:34 Speaker 01 And by 2003, you had corrected.
21:35 Conan O'Brien? You know what happened is I, I got married and I was very happy after years and years of trying to find the right partner. Um, I gave up and married this woman. No, kidding. Uh, I, I, I found my wife very happy and, uh, we, she was cooking me all this great food and, uh, and yeah, I probably put on a little weight. My face got a little round. I started to resemble Ted Kennedy in the late eighties. And, um, yeah, and, uh, and Jordan was quite, I see it now. You, you have to take that thing off. It's just going crazy. You're like a, it's like, it's like a smoke alarm in the towering inferno. You just need to take that off.
22:14 Conan O'Brien? But, but he, um, I see now because of your help, that you were in it as a friend, I think, rather than just having, making fun of me, you were telling me as a friend, something that no one else, Jeff Ross, isn't going to say you gained a little weight and, uh, Paula Davis isn't going to say that. Um, they're all yes people, you know? They just, whatever's good, you know? But you, you were trying to tell me the truth.
22:43 Speaker 03 Do you respect that?
22:45 Conan O'Brien? I do.
22:45 Speaker 03 Yeah.
22:46 Speaker 04 So you really appreciate that honesty?
22:50 Conan O'Brien? I wish he hadn't said the word grotesque. I think, and he called me the beast and the monster.
22:56 Speaker 03 That's a bad way to express concern.
22:59 Conan O'Brien? Thank you, John.
23:00 Speaker 01 Um, I can't confirm that I used that word, but I, I have no reason to doubt you.
23:04 Conan O'Brien? Oh, it stuck in my mind quite clearly.
23:06 Speaker 01 When I called you the beast, was I referring to your physical condition or was I referring to maybe, um, an emotional attack that you performed on me?
23:15 Speaker 04 So, pause for a minute.
23:17 Conan O'Brien? Yes.
23:18 Speaker 04 Pause.
23:18 Conan O'Brien? Yes, doctor.
23:20 Speaker 04 Okay. So what I see is you guys slinging insults back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. There was one little piece of appreciation from you, one from you. You appreciated his honesty. You said you respected him.
23:37 Speaker 01 Yep.
23:38 Speaker 04 So. How does it feel to hear appreciation versus insult? And be honest about it? How does it actually feel? Do you take it in when you hear that appreciation?
23:51 Conan O'Brien? Well, I'm gonna speak purely as professional. It's not as funny. When we're being really mean to each other, people are laughing.
23:59 Speaker 04 Yeah, right.
24:00 Conan O'Brien? When I'm hearing Jordan and appreciating him and he's telling me he respects me, I just see an empty audience. And I panic.
24:12 Speaker 03 You know, I'm not sure that's true because people love you. And when they see you-
24:18 Conan O'Brien? There's no, there's actually, there's no data on that.
24:19 Speaker 03 Yeah, I think there's a lot of data on that.
24:21 Conan O'Brien? Well, I, we've looked for it.
24:22 Speaker 04 How many followers do you guys have?
24:25 Conan O'Brien? I don't even know anymore.
24:26 Speaker 01 Well, if you prefer to speak about injurious behavior, we can. You've clearly brought up something that bothers you, this comment that I allegedly made.
24:35 Conan O'Brien? And I think this is important to review some of the more toxic areas.
24:39 Speaker 04 Okay.
24:40 Conan O'Brien? I'm gonna say that you, you have made fun of the way I sometimes don't get all the hairs on my neck shaved.
24:47 Speaker 01 Yeah, you know, I'm noticing right now on the right corner of your mouth, how does, I just want, I'm curious, above all, scientifically speaking, you two are doctors. Doctor comes from the Latin docere, or in the ecclesiastical pronunciation, docere. It actually means to teach, which is perfectly suited to you two. I'm just curious scientifically, how does it happen? Like, you have a mirror, you're shaving, how do you miss such large chunks of hair on the corners of your mouth? And I'm not trying to insult you, I know conventionally speaking, it sounds like I am. I'm really, as a scientist, how does it happen? I'm just very curious.
25:17 Conan O'Brien? I do things quickly. I'm always in a rush, very type A. I take quick swipes with the razor. Also, I now predominantly, you know, work in radio. The lenses here aren't that exact. My wife, you know, doesn't get to see me up close too much. She's grown very distant. Uh, that's not true. I just threw it in there to see if I pique your attention. Uh, but I don't think she's getting a good look at my face anymore. She saw it. She liked it in, you know, 1999.
25:57 Speaker 03 It was enough.
25:58 Conan O'Brien? It was enough. Thank you. Thank you, John. It was more than enough. And so that's why, uh, he is very much into manscaping. He likes a-
26:08 Speaker 04 Stop. Stop. Don't describe him. Describe you. So you were doing a beautiful job. Perfect, perfect, perfect answer. You didn't go defensive. You didn't go counterattacking. You described you. And that is really, really, really important in terms of having a decent relationship. You don't describe the other person.
26:34 Conan O'Brien? I see.
26:35 Speaker 04 Because every time you guys do, for the most part, it turns into either criticism or contempt. And contempt is sulfuric acid for a relationship. It's when you're criticizing from on high. Being superior fails.
26:52 Speaker 03 What else is it?
26:53 Speaker 04 Not only that for contempt, but it also predicts how many infectious illnesses the listener is gonna have, like, in the next four years. The times of contempt in 15 minutes.
27:10 Conan O'Brien? Are you saying that I could make Jordan sick?
27:13 Speaker 04 Yes.
27:14 Conan O'Brien? By putting him down?
27:15 Speaker 04 Yes.
27:15 Conan O'Brien? Well, this is fantastic. Thank you.
27:19 Speaker 03 Giving you a weapon?
27:21 Conan O'Brien? You just handed yes.
27:23 Speaker 04 You are such a rascal.
27:25 Conan O'Brien? Well, I am. That's the nicest, that's the nicest way to put it.
27:30 Speaker 03 Well, the problem is that the person who's contemptuous, that person's immune system also degrades.
27:38 Conan O'Brien? Right.
27:38 Speaker 03 Over time.
27:39 Conan O'Brien? Right. So, so, so by holding contempt for Jordan, I'm also damaging my own immune system. I'm lowering its ability to fight infection.
27:47 Speaker 03 That's right.
27:48 Conan O'Brien? So, this is, this is, I mean-
27:50 Speaker 01 It's self-defeating.
27:51 Conan O'Brien? This is bad for both of us, Jordan.
27:52 Speaker 01 Can I respectfully ask, which I think is constructive, if I notice large patches of unshaved hair on your face, would you prefer if I remained silent and don't bring it to your attention? Like, if you walk in and you just have a huge patch of hair, maybe, on your- Adam's apple, for example. You prefer that I note it internally.
28:13 Conan O'Brien? Well, first of all, you're implying that the hair is growing out so much.
28:18 Speaker 01 I'm just simply asking you.
28:19 Conan O'Brien? You're implying the hair is growing out so much I could braid it.
28:22 Speaker 01 I have seen such wild growth and in a very specific area.
28:28 Conan O'Brien? I am, can I just say one thing? I am a, I am a very masculine man and I'm, I, I know you're gonna stop me in a second and say this isn't relevant, Conan, but I would like to say in my own defense, uh, I am, uh, if for a man my age, I think, uh, pulsating with testosterone, I pump out a lot of, uh, facial hair very quickly. I think sometimes that's not my fault and for you to attack me for being one of the most masculine men you know, is I think, uh, probably unfair.
28:56 Speaker 01 Okay.
28:57 Speaker 03 He wants you to be quiet about it.
28:58 Speaker 01 Okay, I will be quiet. I will note it to myself. Uh, I will not mention it to anyone else, nor, nor you.
29:04 Conan O'Brien? Well, you also tend to, uh, mention it when there are cameras and microphones around. Wouldn't it be fair to approach me quietly and say, Conan, you have a long tuft, it looks like a ponytail, coming out of four pores to the right of your Adam's apple and I'll, I will, uh, take care, I'll seek out the proper authorities.
29:21 Speaker 01 So you prefer I pull you aside, maybe before taping?
29:27 Speaker 02 Look at him, he can't handle it.
29:28 Speaker 01 And bring to your attention your, your errors, uh, your shaving errors in private.
29:35 Speaker 04 Okay, pause.
29:36 Speaker 01 Yes.
29:37 Speaker 04 Put down.
29:38 Speaker 01 Oh.
29:39 Speaker 04 Okay.
29:39 Speaker 01 Okay.
29:40 Speaker 04 So.
29:40 Speaker 03 Shaving errors.
29:41 Speaker 01 I mean, it's objectively, well, I don't assume his intention was to miss the hair, so I consider it an objective analysis.
29:47 Speaker 04 Can you read his mind?
29:48 Speaker 01 I cannot. He may have intentionally wanted to leave that disgusting tuft of hair on his Adam's apple.
29:54 Speaker 04 Right?
29:54 Speaker 01 But yes, I don't know.
29:55 Speaker 04 And why does it matter to you? Why does it matter to you?
29:59 Speaker 01 It certainly doesn't matter, but I think when there's an elephant in the room, when a man walks in. Who's 95% shaved and there's just hair jetting out of his cheek. I just think it's worth mentioning.
30:13 Speaker 05 It can't be.
30:15 Speaker 01 I don't mean any insult. I don't mean any insult. It's easily fixable. It's not a slight on your car. We all make mistakes. I make mistakes. They're not related to large tufts of hair on my face. But, but I just think that it's as human beings, we have to acknowledge something so painfully obvious that was somehow missed with all your technology, mirrors, you have lighting in your bathroom. But I'll do as you say and pull you aside and let you know.
30:41 Conan O'Brien? I love that you refer to light and the mirror as technology.
30:52 Conan O'Brien? You know, winning an award, that's a big achievement, right?
30:54 Speaker 05 Yeah.
30:54 Conan O'Brien? Every now and then in life, maybe something nice like that comes your way. Winning them consistently is almost impossible. It just doesn't happen, you know? Well, guess what? Winning five times in six years? You know what that sounds like to me? Sustained excellence.
31:09 Speaker 05 Nice.
31:09 Conan O'Brien? Hyundai has done just that, earning the title of America's best SUV brand for 2026 from US News and World Report. You are a very happy Hyundai driver.
31:18 Speaker 05 I drive a Hyundai Palisade and I love my car. I love it. I love driving it around.
31:22 Conan O'Brien? I've been tooling around in an Ioniq 5N, which I love. Beautiful car. Well, listen, whether you need an SUV for everyday life, your next big adventure, or extra room for family and friends, Hyundai has an option for you. The Tucson Hybrid is loaded with technology and built for everyday life. The Santa Fe Hybrid's fully capable and ready for adventure. The Palisade, that's yours, right?
31:41 Speaker 05 Hello.
31:42 Conan O'Brien? They're gonna rename that the Sona. The Palisade Hybrid, yeah, delivers premium capability and class-leading interior space. With available, I had this memorized, H-Track all-wheel drive, up to an EPA-estimated 619 miles of range on vehicles like the Palisade Hybrid and Hyundai's industry-leading warranty. It's easy to see why Hyundai continues to deliver the quality, innovation, technology, and value drivers expect from an award-winning brand. View US News Best Cars at cars.usnews.com and call 562-314-4603 for complete details.
32:16 Conan O'Brien? Who do you shop for first on the holidays, Sona? Was it, do you shop for the kids or do you shop for Tac?
32:20 Speaker 05 My kids.
32:21 Conan O'Brien? Okay.
32:21 Speaker 05 Or Okie.
32:22 Conan O'Brien? You gotta get them your stuff.
32:22 Speaker 05 Or my dog.
32:23 Conan O'Brien? And then your husband is last. Well, guess what? It's that time of year. You feel that, you smell that, uh, that cinnamon cider in the air? Do you smell that?
32:33 Speaker 05 Yeah.
32:33 Conan O'Brien? And you see pumpkins around, people buying turkeys. A little early to buy a turkey.
32:38 Speaker 05 Yeah.
32:38 Conan O'Brien? Doesn't matter. Holidays? I would say it's just around the corner, but that's a cliche. It's, uh, very nearby in the cupboard. Well, guess what? Amazon delivers joy with low prices on the gifts you want, even this early in the season. So get ahead of the season. Shop early gifts, top picks, holiday decor, and advent calendars at low prices. Get ahead, start on holiday gifting with Amazon's low prices. Shop now at amazon.com/holiday.
33:09 Conan O'Brien? This fall, I want to try something different.
33:11 Speaker 05 What?
33:12 Conan O'Brien? I like to change it up. I like to learn things, so I'm gonna try and make apple cider.
33:15 Speaker 05 Ooh.
33:16 Conan O'Brien? Every morning.
33:17 Speaker 05 Okay.
33:17 Conan O'Brien? This fall, just to see if I can do it.
33:19 Speaker 05 Yeah.
33:19 Conan O'Brien? Yeah, fall's the perfect season to try something new, like joining T-Mobile.
33:23 Speaker 05 Oh, that's good.
33:24 Conan O'Brien? See what I did?
33:25 Speaker 05 Yeah.
33:25 Conan O'Brien? Yeah, there are 250 reasons to join T-Mobile right now. You want to hear what they are?
33:29 Speaker 05 Yeah.
33:29 Conan O'Brien? They're America's best network.
33:31 Speaker 05 Okay.
33:31 Conan O'Brien? True story. Plus, T-Mobile has got off-grid satellite coverage. That comes in really handy. I like to just wander in the woods sometimes.
33:38 Speaker 05 Oh, that's weird.
33:39 Conan O'Brien? When I'm thinking about, like, making apple cider.
33:41 Speaker 05 Oh.
33:41 Conan O'Brien? And, uh, that's when it comes in handy. Here's another reason. High-speed data in over 215 countries and destinations. I travel a lot for the
33:48 Speaker 05 You travel a lot.
33:49 Conan O'Brien? Travel show that I do.
33:49 Speaker 05 Yeah.
33:50 Conan O'Brien? Stream this podcast while ignoring local landmarks. That's always fun to do. Like, oh, look, there's the Mona Lisa. Yeah, check it out. I'm in the Louvre. I should, but I'm listening to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend.
34:00 Speaker 05 That doesn't seem like a good idea.
34:02 Conan O'Brien? It's a great idea.
34:03 Speaker 05 Okay.
34:03 Conan O'Brien? You know, uh, you can see art anytime. But how often can you listen to this podcast?
34:08 Speaker 05 My god.
34:09 Conan O'Brien? Yeah.
34:10 Speaker 05 What?
34:10 Conan O'Brien? Now, all these reasons make T-Mobile a great choice.
34:13 Speaker 05 I agree.
34:13 Conan O'Brien? T-Mobile is stacking up reasons to join. Go to tmobile.com and find yours best, based on analysis by UCLA of speed test intelligence data first half of 2026. Can't believe I read that. T-satellite with capable devices in most outdoor areas in the US where you can see the sky. High-speed international data with qualifying plan. Visit tmobile.com, consult a physician. I just threw that in there.
34:38 Speaker 05 Oh.
34:42 Conan O'Brien? So, you have to admit, the holidays, it's really about hanging with the people you love.
34:48 Speaker 05 Yeah.
34:48 Conan O'Brien? And getting to be yourself, not going to some stuffy holiday party where you need to conform to what the man wants you to think about the holidays.
34:57 Speaker 05 Yeah.
34:57 Conan O'Brien? Yeah, it's about being yourself. Turn your holiday time into Miller time by enjoying a Miller Lite in a place where you're free to enjoy yourself on a walk with a cousin. With a cousin, why are they getting all specific about it?
35:08 Speaker 05 Because it's family.
35:09 Conan O'Brien? But what about a niece or a nephew?
35:11 Speaker 05 Yeah.
35:13 Conan O'Brien? Like a walk with an ex-wife. I don't know, I mean, they're just throwing, that's a weird, they just made a very specific choice.
35:20 Speaker 05 Yeah.
35:20 Conan O'Brien? Now's the time for those unexpected holiday side guests and enjoy a great tasting light beer. 'Tis Miller time, as Dickens wrote. Miller Lite is brewed for taste, the taste you can depend on. The original light beer since 1975 and still iconic more than 50 years later. I like to be with my bros, my chums, my posse. Crack open a Miller Lite, take a swig, a sip, look around and see my friends. We've known each other forever and we're just hanging out.
35:47 Speaker 05 Yeah, you guys are just doing chest bumps and high-fiving.
35:50 Conan O'Brien? Miller Lite is great taste done right. Go to millerlite.com/conan to find delivery options near you, or you can pick up some Miller Lite pretty much anywhere they sell beer. 'Tis Miller time. Celebrate responsibly Miller Brewing Company, Milwaukee, Wisconsin. 96 calories and 3.2 carbs per 12 ounces.
36:13 Conan O'Brien? Jordan, my personal appearance is one of the things that we have trouble with. Another thing that we have difficulty with is that Jordan loves to expand, as he did on the phrase "doctors." I find that insulting because you're both doctors, you're both highly educated, you're very successful, highly intelligent people, and then this guy is telling you the Latin root, what it comes from and what it means. Everywhere we go-
36:37 Speaker 03 I love it.
36:39 Speaker 04 Me too.
36:40 Conan O'Brien? You like it?
36:41 Speaker 04 Yeah. We're always learning. He taught us something.
36:46 Conan O'Brien? Here's the one thing I'm gonna say, Julie.
36:48 Speaker 04 Okay.
36:49 Conan O'Brien? If it's okay. He's often wrong. The information he told you, I would look it up because there's a 75% chance he's wrong. He has held forth and expounded on where Karate Kid 2 was filmed, wrong. You know, the origins of pizza, what you're allowed to drink with pizza. He said, you don't drink wine with pizza if you're doing it correctly. We were, he was corrected, you know, in Italy by the people making the pizza that yes, you drink wine with pizza. He's constantly, you're wrong.
37:22 Speaker 01 These are your insults? That I didn't know where the Karate Kid 2 was filmed?
37:26 Conan O'Brien? Oh, man, that was humiliating.
37:28 Speaker 01 Right.
37:28 Conan O'Brien? And Ralph Macchio, who played the Karate Kid.
37:30 Speaker 01 Ralph Macchio.
37:32 Conan O'Brien? It's Macchio.
37:32 Speaker 01 In fact, the CH makes a hard C sound, like Pinocchio.
37:36 Speaker 04 Okay, pause, pause, pause, pause. So when you correct him, that's contempt.
37:42 Speaker 01 I see.
37:43 Speaker 04 I know more than you do. Let me tell you how it's right.
37:47 Speaker 01 Yes. I imagine a world where one can share information, where human beings can increase their collective intellect by sharing information. I've learned some things, you've learned some things. You tell me what you know, I'll tell you what I know. So, so you may not know that the CH is pronounced with a hard C, and that's understandable. I wouldn't expect it to. Italian's not your first language, but...
38:11 Conan O'Brien? Unlike you. Unlike you, signore.
38:13 Speaker 01 And you certainly know things that I don't know. Presidential history, for example. And we can share with each other and we can both come out smarter and more knowledgeable for it. I don't see the contempt. Yes.
38:25 Speaker 04 Can I point out something? You only want to share knowledge when the other person wants to hear it. If you share it when the other person is talking about something else and you correct their grammar, you correct their pronunciation, you're interrupting what they're trying to say and being superior because you know better and commenting on it. And when he does that, what do you feel?
38:54 Conan O'Brien? Well, I'm going to point out something because I'm still wearing my monitor because it hasn't been beeping at all. Yours has exploded and blue foam is coming out of it every time it gets near you. It does not recognize you as a person. Mine, during his whole rant when he was yelling at me, went down to below 90 to 89.
39:12 Speaker 04 Interesting.
39:13 Conan O'Brien? My heart rate...
39:16 Conan O'Brien? I think I have so little regard for his opinion that it's almost like he's a hat rack to me. Like I, you know, I don't, I don't, I'm not saying this is correct. I know what I'm saying is terrible and these are the confessions of probably a Ted Bundy hours before his death. But I, my heart rate went down when you were yammering and jabbering because I thought I was just looking at a chimp in the zoo. You know, and, and so I was calmed and pleased.
39:42 Speaker 04 Okay, pause.
39:44 Conan O'Brien? Now, if you're gonna try and say chimp in the zoo is an insult, I, I think you're way off base. And I know that John's with me on this one.
39:51 Speaker 04 Are you, dear?
39:53 Speaker 03 I was thinking of this couple where a husband got very upset and said to his wife, "Joyce, do you think you're better than me?" And he said, she said, "Better than I."
40:05 Conan O'Brien? Oh, yes. Very good. My wife would do that. My wife would do that because she's very grammatically correct all the time.
40:12 Speaker 03 So that's information, but in the context, it comes off as contempt.
40:17 Speaker 01 So you would prefer, respectfully, if I may ask, so I know how to act going forward.
40:22 Conan O'Brien? We're not in a courtroom.
40:23 Speaker 01 Yeah. You would prefer if I do not correct your mispronunciations, allow you to speak with your customary authority, even when I know that you are making errors? Or maybe pull you aside, right? Before the taping and tell you?
40:37 Conan O'Brien? Let me tell Julie and John one thing, which is that we were recently in Buenos Aires together. It wasn't for work, it was a romantic getaway. And he kept referring to the famous dance, the tango, as the tongo. Now, and he got in my face and said, "It's called the tongo." Everybody in Argentina backed me up and said, "No, we call it the tango." And he went, "Please, it's the tongo." No, it's not the tongo. So it's not that, your whole premise is wrong that you have the correct information and isn't it kind of you to share it with me?
41:17 Conan O'Brien? You're, you're wrong. You're just wrong all the time.
41:21 Speaker 01 I, I let him finish. I did not interrupt him, even though my instinct was to say immediately, "That is incorrect. It is the tongo." You see, in Spanish and Spanish-speaking countries, known as Hispanic, which differs from Latin American in the sense that Latin American refers to only Latin American countries. Hispanic, it's any country that speaks Spanish. The A is almost always pronounced "ah."
41:42 Speaker 04 So. Does this feel like the kind of relationship you want to have?
41:48 Conan O'Brien? No, no, I would, um, and this is one of the questions I wanted to ask you is, is there a part in your book where you actually say it's okay, um, for me to, uh, start hitting Jordan? Is it, is, uh, physical violence is probably usually discouraged, right?
42:08 Speaker 04 Probably so, yeah.
42:10 Conan O'Brien? What if I hired someone to do it?
42:11 Speaker 04 How about?
42:12 Conan O'Brien? I don't get my hands dirty.
42:14 Speaker 04 How about?
42:15 Conan O'Brien? Okay.
42:15 Speaker 04 If you just say to him, please don't put me down.
42:19 Conan O'Brien? Jordan?
42:20 Speaker 01 Yeah.
42:20 Conan O'Brien? Please don't put me down.
42:21 Speaker 01 Okay.
42:22 Conan O'Brien? Uh, I groom quickly. I, I don't take the great care that you take with your grooming. So I don't have all of the equipment you have or the oils or the balms or the waxes.
42:33 Speaker 04 Careful.
42:35 Conan O'Brien? You're right. I have to tell you, you're right. I was starting to get into judgment.
42:39 Speaker 04 Yes, you were.
42:39 Conan O'Brien? Yes, I was. And you know what? I appreciate that.
42:41 Speaker 01 I did not feel insulted.
42:43 Conan O'Brien? Uh.
42:44 Speaker 04 Not yet.
42:44 Conan O'Brien? Not yet.
42:45 Speaker 04 He was going there.
42:45 Conan O'Brien? Oh, yes, trust me. I was cranking up the catapult, uh, into its full.
42:52 Speaker 01 Pulling it back.
42:53 Conan O'Brien? I was pulling it way back and then I was gonna hurl a giant boulder at your castle and destroy it. Um, you're wearing like a wizard's hat. You're up in a tower. Uh, too much information. My point is that I, I groom quickly.
43:08 Speaker 01 Mm-hmm.
43:09 Conan O'Brien? And I don't often take the same care that you take because you are very fastidious. He's very fastidious about his grooming and I'm not putting him down, but he has all kinds of products. He, mostly for grooming. He has other products for various, uh, other practices of his, which I find amoral, but, uh, that's his thing and I'm not gonna judge it. It's whatever, uh, sexual stuff he's into. But my point is, um, I don't take the same care you do. I don't have the same standard of beauty, the same canon of beauty that you have. So I just have to say, when you constantly point these things out to me, I feel less than.
43:51 Conan O'Brien? I feel, uh, I get into a defensive crouch. I think I grew up in an environment, I've talked about this a lot, but I come from a very large Irish Catholic family. The son of very, very intelligent, educated people. And yet, for some reason, we fought like, like animals. We threw potatoes at each other. Um, we really did. My mother, I saw my mother throw a potato at the, at all of us once. It's the only thing we had around. We just had so many goddamn potatoes. We've been in the country for a while and they're very well-educated people, but they brought the country with them. And my point is that I often felt attacked. And I learned, growing up, sarcasm, passive aggression.
44:35 Conan O'Brien? My verbal judo chops would be the way that I would get through life. And then along comes this big block of wood that's just perfectly made for a judo chop. Do you know? I mean, you've seen the karate, karate, sorry, Jordan, masters chop a board in half. Right. Verbally, my, my whole emotional reaction to things in life is, is a judo chop. Attack before you can be attacked. And then in comes this inanimate, large, um. Block of wood. Block, um, just a block, just a giant block of wood. That's what he is. He's, it's not like, you know, trying to have a conversation with a block of wood. You know what I'm saying? So, and so I just chop away.
45:19 Conan O'Brien? And that's what I do to you, Jordan, and it's probably not always fair.
45:22 Speaker 04 Conan, can I point out something?
45:24 Conan O'Brien? Boo.
45:25 Speaker 04 So, I really appreciate you sharing that history. That history is really helpful. It lets us know that, for one thing, growing up in a family where you're always being attacked, you've got to survive, right? And how do you survive? You create defenses.
45:44 Conan O'Brien? Yes.
45:45 Speaker 04 And your defense is to counterattack. But the problem with a defense like that, you know, it's a shield in front of you.
45:51 Conan O'Brien? Yeah.
45:52 Speaker 04 To kind of hide yourself so you don't get shamed. Is that you're also blocking out the positive that comes from him. The respect, the care that may be in there and
46:05 Conan O'Brien? Are we certain it's in there?
46:06 Speaker 04 I think so.
46:07 Conan O'Brien? You think there's some caring in there?
46:09 Speaker 03 I do.
46:09 Speaker 04 I think there's a lot of caring. I think there is a lot. Can we?
46:12 Conan O'Brien? Well, he wants it. You know what he wants? He wants his paycheck. I mean, I know that sounds crass, but I am his employer. We aren't husband and wife yet.
46:18 Speaker 04 Conan, how many decades have you been together?
46:21 Conan O'Brien? What has it been? Twenty?
46:23 Speaker 01 Three. Three decades.
46:24 Conan O'Brien? Three decades, yeah.
46:25 Speaker 04 Three decades. Okay, so my guess is that if you really, really wanted to, you could work elsewhere, but you don't want to.
46:34 Conan O'Brien? Uh, he did look. He looked for work.
46:36 Speaker 04 Okay.
46:37 Conan O'Brien? He's unemployable. No, no, seriously. And you told me that because of your actions that are out on the web, you are seen as unemployable, yes?
46:44 Speaker 01 There have been, uh,
46:45 Speaker 03 Well, why don't you get back to your point, Julie?
46:47 Conan O'Brien? I'm sorry. I'm very sorry.
46:48 Speaker 04 That's right.
46:49 Conan O'Brien? I, you know what I did? I, I went again on the attack and again, the old judo chop. And I apologize, doctor. Please, go ahead. And John, you were right to stop me. I was, uh,
46:58 Speaker 03 Well, I was, I was thinking about how
47:00 Speaker 04 Can I finish?
47:00 Speaker 03 Sure. Yeah, go ahead. You finish. I want to interrupt you. Go ahead. Yeah.
47:04 Speaker 04 Yeah, we're great. Okay, so when you, when you are hitting at him, he of course blocked you. But when you say, look, I really respect you. And you meant that. Seriously, I could tell it wasn't made up. Boom, you push it back. Off it goes. Doesn't go inside, just bounces off.
47:31 Conan O'Brien? I'm terrible at taking a compliment.
47:32 Speaker 04 I saw that. Why? Why, why, why?
47:36 Conan O'Brien? Oh, I don't
47:36 Speaker 04 It feels good to have those compliments, Conan.
47:39 Conan O'Brien? I don't let any of those in.
47:40 Speaker 04 Oh.
47:41 Conan O'Brien? No.
47:41 Speaker 04 That is sad because those compliments could probably do a lot to heal all that shame inside, fear inside, feeling attacked always. If you let in those compliments.
47:57 Conan O'Brien? Let me ask both of you. I would like you to give your assessment. And this may be selfish to take Jordan out of the equation, but assess me. You've watched a lot of tape, probably against your will, but you had to because you were coming on here.
48:10 Speaker 04 Wrong.
48:11 Conan O'Brien? Do you see a damaged man? And I'm going to want, I want to start with you, John. I want to make sure you get your
48:15 Speaker 03 No, I, I don't.
48:19 Speaker 03 In fact, I was, I was really moved by your story of how when you were at Harvard and you went along with your friend to the Harvard Lampoon. You really found yourself.
48:32 Conan O'Brien? I did.
48:32 Speaker 03 You really found, you know, humor as a way of really expressing who you are.
48:39 Conan O'Brien? I think I'm, I disagree. I think I'm very badly damaged, a madman maybe, but I do think humor saved me from actually committing crimes, you know?
48:50 Speaker 03 Yeah.
48:50 Conan O'Brien? From going on the loose and leaving a trail from.
48:53 Speaker 03 But, but sometimes it's like the shield that Julie was just talking about. Sometimes humor itself is like a shield. I mean, it's a wonderful gift, obviously, you know, and it's a great talent you have with humor, but sometimes it also blocks out the love.
49:09 Speaker 04 That's right.
49:11 Speaker 03 That this friendship has, that is very palpable. We both feel that.
49:16 Conan O'Brien? And you feel that love is coming from Jordan, but I'm blocking it with humor.
49:20 Speaker 04 That's right.
49:21 Speaker 03 Right.
49:21 Speaker 04 And put downs.
49:22 Speaker 03 Yeah.
49:23 Speaker 04 And put downs. It's that counter attack.
49:25 Speaker 03 I think one of the other things is that what makes this show so important to people around, all around the world is that they feel the love and they see the hostility and put downs. They see both at the same time and it's a very powerful thing because here you are having all this love for one another and yet pushing each other away and then coming back together and pushing each other away. So it's a very powerful dynamic and the humor is really fun.
49:56 Conan O'Brien? This is amazing. I've never thought of it that way.
49:58 Speaker 01 I'd like to think that we represent the human condition with all of its ups and downs.
50:03 Conan O'Brien? Oh, my God. You said this speech earlier before they came in.
50:06 Speaker 01 People may find this realistic approach to life endearing and they may enjoy watching for that reason. I'm sorry I've hurt you with my.
50:16 Conan O'Brien? Misinformation.
50:18 Speaker 04 Uh-uh.
50:18 Conan O'Brien? With my gut. He's objectively, he was wrong about where they shot Karate Kid 2, objectively wrong.
50:23 Speaker 04 Conan.
50:24 Conan O'Brien? They shot it in Los Angeles.
50:26 Speaker 04 Conan.
50:26 Speaker 01 No, they didn't shoot it in Los Angeles. They shot it in Hawaii.
50:29 Speaker 04 Hold it.
50:29 Conan O'Brien? Oh Hawaii.
50:30 Speaker 01 Yeah.
50:30 Conan O'Brien? Okay, but you didn't say Hawaii, did you?
50:31 Speaker 01 I just said Hawaii now. I see, I've learned, I've improved, I've improved myself.
50:35 Conan O'Brien? I'm sorry.
50:35 Speaker 01 I've improved myself. I'm open to improvement.
50:37 Conan O'Brien? There's certain things you-
50:38 Speaker 04 Conan.
50:38 Conan O'Brien? Yes.
50:39 Speaker 04 Stop. Stop.
50:41 Conan O'Brien? He's apologizing.
50:42 Speaker 04 He, and you're interrupting. Stop, stop, stop. He's apologizing to you. He is trying to repair some injury he caused you. Did you take it in?
50:57 Conan O'Brien? No, because I still remembered him being wrong.
51:00 Speaker 04 Okay, but is that more important-
51:02 Conan O'Brien? It came back, it was like a train coming at me.
51:03 Speaker 04 Is that more important than him trying to repair the damage he's done?
51:09 Conan O'Brien? You're right.
51:10 Speaker 01 Yes, you see, my intentions were never evil, just as I know your intentions were never evil when you've committed injury against me in the past.
51:18 Conan O'Brien? When have I committed injury against you?
51:19 Speaker 01 Well, it's interesting that you ask, because we spent the first hour talking about the ways I damaged you by answering questions, by-
51:26 Conan O'Brien? Let him run just a little bit, let's hear this. And don't, go ahead.
51:29 Speaker 01 Now again, I want to preface this by saying, I expect, when you're talking about decades of intimate relationships, that there are going to be inadvertent slights to the other person, okay? The year was 1999, May 1999, and the world had not seen a new Star Wars movie release in 16 years. And at the time, the Star Wars franchise was pristine, you have to understand, put yourself back then. And they announced that a new Star Wars film would be coming out in May 1999. And I was a big fan, you know, my brothers were as well. And I decided to pull out all the stops and get tickets to an advanced screening of
52:10 Speaker 01 this movie a week before the public would see this. Now, you may think media screenings are all civilized, but when it comes to Star Wars, people still line up three hours before. So my brother came into New York City on the train, he spent hours, we got there maybe four hours- in advance and we just sat on the sidewalk together waiting for this momentous occasion and we were one of the first ones in the theater and and we sat right in the center we we judged how many rows were there we wanted the full surround sound experience we wanted to get lost in it and of course the theater filled up and I was thinking any fool that walks in now is going to be like in the back corner and I was envisioning the magic of that moment after it says a long time ago in a galaxy far far away before the John Williams score
52:54 Conan O'Brien? do you guys have anywhere to go or you
52:57 Speaker 01 I was in I was envisioning it bringing me back to my childhood I wanted to relive what it was like to be an innocent child with my brother okay so about two minutes before the movie starts I hear some commotion behind me and this guy stumbles in with this like brainy NPR type woman with with him and they excuse me excuse me some woman is escorting them because they're like elite and there just happened to have been I guess someone left or something two seats right behind me in the center I had been there for five hours this guy stumbles in he's like tripping he's like tripping over people so he sits down
53:32 Conan O'Brien? I didn't stumble I wasn't drinking
53:34 Speaker 01 yeah no you had you kicked people you know you were like one of those people inadvertently you know you tripped over people so now you're sitting behind me and you start like gabbing to me and already already I I don't want to talk to anybody I just want to get lost in this moment okay so the lights go down and the 20th century Fox logo comes up and I'm thinking to myself this is it after 16 years this is it and that silence comes right after that fanfare before the flourishing music and this guy leans forwards and starts cracking jokes this guy makes it all about him he takes me completely out of the moment he starts gabbing in the middle of the movie theater and and you just needed that laugh you had to take that moment not knowing
54:18 Speaker 01 the history of what I went through to get that laugh and you know he's sitting there chuckling and and forever you've taken that moment away from me Now, I know that it was not intentional. He may not have had respect for the situation and most people know that they're not supposed to speak in a movie theater, especially something of that magnitude.
54:37 Conan O'Brien? I knew those sequels wouldn't be good.
54:38 Speaker 01 And I think I communicated to him my interest in what was happening and my disregard for anything that he may have had to say.
54:45 Conan O'Brien? Will you admit now that those movies were not great?
54:47 Speaker 01 Yes, in retrospect, they were not necessarily as good as the first.
54:50 Conan O'Brien? So, um, if Jordan and I, let's say in another universe, because I don't think it's gonna happen in this lifetime, but let's say we got along, people wouldn't be fascinated. It's because they see us taking chunks out of each other that it becomes...
55:04 Speaker 04 It's a wrestling match.
55:05 Conan O'Brien? It's a wrestling match, yeah, a very strong wrestler against a very, well, well, bodily shaved wrestler, but one that's very, very weak and has bad information.
55:15 Speaker 04 Careful.
55:16 Conan O'Brien? You're right, that could have almost become an insult.
55:18 Speaker 04 Tell you what, tell you what, almost, huh? How about, how about if John and I role play a totally different kind of conversation?
55:29 Conan O'Brien? Okay.
55:30 Speaker 04 Okay?
55:31 Conan O'Brien? And are you gonna be us in this conversation?
55:32 Speaker 04 Hmm, we're gonna be you, slightly improved.
55:36 Speaker 01 Idealized versions of us.
55:39 Conan O'Brien? Idealized versions of us. And an idealized version of me is apparently me. Uh, what, what...
55:44 Speaker 04 Communication.
55:45 Conan O'Brien? So, who's, who's Conan and who's, uh, Jordan?
55:48 Speaker 04 It doesn't matter.
55:49 Conan O'Brien? Okay.
55:50 Speaker 04 It's just what's between us.
55:51 Conan O'Brien? Got it.
55:52 Speaker 04 That matters, right? So, do you wanna take the beard patch?
55:55 Speaker 03 Well, uh, if I'm gonna be honest, there's a lot about you that annoys me.
56:01 Speaker 04 Okay, what is it that I'm doing that annoys you?
56:05 Speaker 03 Okay, so, when you go on about Italy and wines and all the things you know, uh, it makes me feel insulted, like...
56:20 Speaker 04 Wow.
56:21 Speaker 03 You know, like, my father was a microbiologist, my mother was a, a great lawyer.
56:26 Conan O'Brien? This is scary.
56:27 Speaker 03 He's been me.
56:28 Conan O'Brien? And I, you know...
56:31 Speaker 03 I felt put down at the table all the time, the dinner table.
56:35 Speaker 04 Really?
56:35 Speaker 03 And when, so when you expound, my, you know, my father's a learned man, you know? And how could I, you know, match him? So I kind of feel that way when you go on about wines or how things are pronounced in ancient Greece.
56:53 Speaker 04 You know what? I did not know that that felt insulting to you. What would make it better for you?
57:03 Speaker 03 Maybe ask me if I want to hear what you have to say?
57:07 Speaker 04 There's a plan. That would be good.
57:10 Speaker 03 Okay.
57:10 Speaker 04 If you want feedback, maybe, or something?
57:13 Speaker 03 Like if you want to, if you want to expound about something?
57:16 Speaker 04 Mm-hmm.
57:17 Speaker 03 Ask me if I want to hear it.
57:20 Speaker 04 Okay.
57:20 Speaker 03 If I want to hear it, then, you know, great.
57:23 Speaker 04 Okay.
57:24 Speaker 03 Okay.
57:25 Speaker 04 Sounds like, though, if I'm seeing something, for example, a patch of beard that you haven't shaved. Okay?
57:34 Speaker 03 Yeah.
57:35 Speaker 04 And it kind of grates me just a little bit. So should I point out?
57:42 Speaker 03 I hate authority.
57:44 Speaker 04 So when I point that out, I feel like an authority to you?
57:47 Speaker 03 Yeah, yeah.
57:48 Speaker 04 Which authority? Who would say that?
57:50 Conan O'Brien? My father, my father.
57:52 Speaker 03 My father. The great microbiologist.
57:55 Speaker 04 Oh, no. So I remind you of your father?
57:58 Speaker 03 Mm-hmm.
57:58 Speaker 04 Oh, my God, that's terrible!
58:00 Conan O'Brien? He went through a cyclotron at me.
58:04 Conan O'Brien? Go get her!
58:07 Speaker 04 Wow.
58:07 Speaker 03 No, I really appreciate your, your saying that. That, that's really great.
58:13 Speaker 04 I don't want to be like your father. I really don't.
58:16 Speaker 03 Okay.
58:16 Speaker 04 Because I know, on some level, you hate your father.
58:20 Conan O'Brien? What? I don't hate my father, I love my father! My father's a great guy!
58:25 Speaker 04 And?
58:26 Conan O'Brien? I respect him. I love him. He threw those test tubes at me for a reason, I was acting up. This is on me, it wasn't my dad. I was way out of line. Dad, I'm sorry! I think we should try it right now.
58:40 Speaker 01 Oh, yeah.
58:40 Conan O'Brien? So, Jordan, why don't you try and talk to me the same way that these two just talked?
58:43 Speaker 01 Okay, well, yes. I am sorry if I have reminded you of your father. I'm sorry if I have brought you back to painful moments in your childhood when I've told you how to pronounce Ralph Macchio's name.
58:57 Conan O'Brien? It's Macchio.
58:58 Speaker 01 No, it's Macchio. I am sorry if some of my information sharing has been offensive. I certainly didn't mean it that way.
59:07 Conan O'Brien? And incorrect.
59:09 Speaker 01 I may have made mistakes like any other human being. I don't know that's a reason to discount my entire credibility.
59:16 Conan O'Brien? No.
59:16 Speaker 01 Going forward, I will make an attempt, if I notice a large patch of hair on your face that you miss shaving, I will make an attempt to tell you privately as per your request.
59:26 Conan O'Brien? Thank you.
59:26 Speaker 01 Also, I will ask you, if I have something to share that's relevant to what we're speaking about, some facts, Latin origins of words or other etymology, I will ask you first, do you want to hear what I have to say?
59:41 Conan O'Brien? I don't want to, ever.
59:42 Speaker 01 Well, it depends on the context.
59:43 Conan O'Brien? No, it doesn't. I'd never want to hear that stuff, ever.
59:46 Speaker 01 If you pronounce-
59:46 Speaker 04 Take it in, Jordan.
59:48 Conan O'Brien? Jordan, take it in. I never want to hear it.
59:49 Speaker 01 Oh, you never want to hear it?
59:50 Conan O'Brien? I never want to hear it.
59:50 Speaker 01 I should not even ask.
59:52 Conan O'Brien? Exactly.
59:52 Speaker 01 I see.
59:53 Conan O'Brien? Yeah. There's no like, well, it depends on the moment.
59:55 Speaker 01 All this information I have just goes to waste.
59:58 Conan O'Brien? Yeah, it mostly, it's mostly shit. It's not good. And I'm sorry, listen, I'm sorry, that seemed harsh, Julie, I'm sorry. It's not factually correct, most of it. And I think you're just shooting from the hip. So, no, I don't need to hear it. I can always, and trust me, I have their phones. You can look up everything you need to know right now. And it will tell me.
1:00:18 Speaker 01 Well, sometimes you don't know what you don't know, right?
1:00:21 Speaker 04 Jordan?
1:00:21 Speaker 01 Yes.
1:00:21 Speaker 04 Let me ask you something.
1:00:22 Speaker 01 Yes.
1:00:23 Speaker 04 Why is it so important to you to correct Conan? What's that about?
1:00:29 Conan O'Brien? Thank you.
1:00:30 Speaker 01 That is a very valid question. You see, I don't, honestly, don't look at it as correcting. I look at it as sharing information. Let's come out of this, let's come out of this as enhanced human beings.
1:00:41 Speaker 04 Jordan?
1:00:42 Speaker 01 Yes.
1:00:43 Speaker 04 What you're doing is saying, Conan, you're wrong, I'm right. And it becomes a win-lose thing.
1:00:52 Speaker 04 He has to lose, you get to win.
1:00:54 Conan O'Brien? Yeah.
1:00:55 Speaker 04 Does that, is that fulfilling to you? Does that bring you emotionally closer to him?
1:01:00 Speaker 01 I'd like to think that over time, we have built up a foundation of love and understanding to the point where we can exchange information and not have it necessarily interpreted as hostile.
1:01:12 Speaker 04 But that's not how he thinks about it.
1:01:14 Conan O'Brien? Yeah.
1:01:15 Speaker 04 It's not a sharing of information.
1:01:17 Conan O'Brien? It's not. I see your face and I just want to smash it.
1:01:19 Speaker 01 I've learned, I've learned today, I've learned that you're in pain. And now I, I understand why and, and I, I will envision you as a helpless child, competing with other siblings and your father's high-profile job.
1:01:31 Speaker 04 Jordan, careful, careful.
1:01:33 Speaker 01 I will envision you, I will envision you doubting your own self-worth.
1:01:37 Speaker 04 There's the contempt.
1:01:38 Speaker 01 Well, this way I understand his, his pain and his vulnerabilities, his weakness, if you will.
1:01:43 Speaker 04 Do you really?
1:01:44 Speaker 01 Yes.
1:01:46 Speaker 04 Can you actually express empathy for him rather than infantilizing him? Don't infantilize him.
1:01:54 Speaker 01 I can imagine, I'm, I put myself in his situation, okay? He's got a lot of siblings. Now, now, look at his father. This is also a different-
1:02:03 Conan O'Brien? I want to clarify one thing, just so there's no, love my dad, dad, not the problem, not the issue. What's talking, my, my brother Neil, man, and Neil, if you're listening, and I know he's a, he's a listener, he used to, he was older than me and he would sit on top of me and I couldn't move and he would laugh. And, uh, yeah, he would laugh.
1:02:21 Speaker 01 That, some would say that's a healthy sibling interaction.
1:02:24 Conan O'Brien? He did it two years ago when I visited.
1:02:26 Speaker 01 Yeah.
1:02:27 Conan O'Brien? You know, and, uh, you know, I, I had to call the police. Um, Neil, if you're listening, that really got my goat. Uh, my father, uh, great man, great man and very lovely and a sweet man. Uh, there's some issues, everyone has issues with their father and their mother, of course they do.
1:02:40 Speaker 01 Okay.
1:02:40 Conan O'Brien? But listen, I won't have my father slandered on this show, never again.
1:02:43 Speaker 01 No, I'm not, I, I don't intend to slander your father, nor any of O'Briens, Neil, Justin, Kate, Jane, any of them.
1:02:48 Conan O'Brien? Hey, you know them all.
1:02:49 Speaker 01 They're good at predicting whether a relationship is going to last.
1:02:53 Conan O'Brien? What are your predictions, uh, John?
1:02:56 Speaker 03 Well, one of the things that, uh- I think needs to happen in this relationship is for you guys to recognize how indispensable you've been to one another. These almost 30 years.
1:03:09 Conan O'Brien? Yeah.
1:03:09 Speaker 03 And that you're not replaceable.
1:03:11 Conan O'Brien? Can I just point out, I think I'm not replaceable, you know, sort of a once in a hundred year talent. Um, like a Halley's Comet, if you will, in comedy.
1:03:21 Speaker 01 I think it's a 76 years. Halley's, oh, excuse me. I have information about Halley's Comet. Would you like to hear it?
1:03:30 Conan O'Brien? And my point is, I, I think of you as, um, you know, an Ikea trundle bed, you know, that, okay, this one broke, I'll get another one.
1:03:39 Speaker 03 Right, right.
1:03:41 Speaker 04 You asked for a prediction.
1:03:43 Conan O'Brien? Mm hmm.
1:03:43 Speaker 04 You're never going to fire him.
1:03:46 Conan O'Brien? Wow.
1:03:46 Speaker 04 And that's because this has been going on.
1:03:50 Conan O'Brien? Yeah.
1:03:50 Speaker 04 For three decades. If you were going to fire him, you would have fired him 25 years ago.
1:03:56 Conan O'Brien? I actually think I did, but he just kept showing up.
1:03:58 Speaker 03 He didn't notice it.
1:03:59 Conan O'Brien? Yeah, he didn't notice it. And then he, he controls the paperwork, so he probably just gave himself a raise.
1:04:04 Speaker 04 So let me say one other thing. May I, in terms of prediction?
1:04:08 Conan O'Brien? Sure.
1:04:10 Speaker 04 So you guys bicker and banter back and forth, lots of criticism, lots of contempt. Nobody's being vulnerable. You're not Jordan, you're not either. But the rewards for not being serious and vulnerable are too big for you guys to want to change the relationship. The rewards of success, of money, of followers.
1:04:35 Conan O'Brien? Yes, I mean, and to be fair, especially with the money part, that's mostly goes to me. Like it's, I, I am, you know, this is just another thing. I don't know that you see a lot of money from this.
1:04:47 Speaker 01 No, no, I don't.
1:04:48 Conan O'Brien? But I, you know, I mean, I haven't seen your house, but mine's just, it's insane.
1:04:54 Speaker 01 Well, we're not equal, of course. You are superior and I am inferior.
1:04:57 Conan O'Brien? 11 of your houses would go into my house. Uh, and we might do that as a bit.
1:05:01 Speaker 04 You know what? I would love for you guys, I would love to hear someday on your show, you know what, Conan is really brilliant. Yeah, Jordan is really brilliant, too.
1:05:14 Speaker 04 Wouldn't that be amazing?
1:05:15 Speaker 01 Well, yes, I'd love to.
1:05:20 Speaker 02 In lieu of that, have a copy of our book. Thank you very much.
1:05:23 Speaker 04 That's right. No way. Is that the right one? Yes, it is.
1:05:26 Speaker 02 It is.
1:05:27 Conan O'Brien? It is.
1:05:27 Speaker 02 Thank you so much.
1:05:30 Speaker 02 I was told this was an erotic novel. What's going on here? This is actually, I want to thank you very much and my eternal thanks to the Gottmans. Yes, and their book is called Fight Right: How Successful Couples Turn Conflict Into Connection. It's available now.
1:05:45 Conan O'Brien? Beautiful cover.
1:05:46 Speaker 02 Thank you, Frank. And our, our job, Jordan, we're both going to read this book and, and I would actually like to hit you with this. So that might be the way that I use it, but thank you both.
1:05:58 Speaker 04 No, that's Neil. You want to hit Neil.
1:06:01 Speaker 02 Well, he's really strong. He might hit back. I want to thank you both very much. This was, you both are, all joking aside, very good at what you do. Oh, it's been a pleasure. We just maybe a lost cause, but thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you so much. And that's been this very, just fascinating for me, episode of The Conan and Jordan Show. And thank you for tuning in and we'll see you next time.
1:06:41 Speaker 02 The Conan and Jordan Show with Conan O'Brien and Jordan Schlansky is produced by me, Frank Smiley. Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross, and Jim McClure. Engineering and mixing by Eduardo Perez. Our supervising producer is Andrew Gruce. Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Britt Kahn. The theme song is Tom Sawyer by Rush. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Conan and Jordan? Call the Team Coco hotline, 669-587-2847, and leave a message. It too could be featured on a future episode. And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend wherever fine
1:07:26 Speaker 02 podcasts are downloaded. And be sure to subscribe and tune into Conan O'Brien Radio, Channel 104 on Sirius XM.
1:07:46 Conan O'Brien? Technology can generate salary recommendations in seconds, but building an offer that lands skilled talent, that takes more than just an estimate you came up with.
1:07:55 Speaker 05 Yeah, you're right.
1:07:56 Conan O'Brien? That's where Robert Half's new 2027 Salary Guide can help.
1:08:00 Speaker 05 That's good.
1:08:00 Conan O'Brien? Did we use a salary guide with you, Sona?
1:08:03 Speaker 05 No, but maybe-
1:08:04 Conan O'Brien? For several years, I just gave you groceries, remember?
1:08:06 Speaker 05 I know, I remember that. That was not good.
1:08:09 Conan O'Brien? Well, anyway, now you got Robert Half's new 2027 Salary Guide. As a staffing firm placing talent every day, Robert Half combines compensation data with the experience of local recruiters so you can hire with the confidence that comes from experience. The new Robert Half Salary Guide is here. Visit roberthalf.com/salaryguide.
1:08:30 Conan O'Brien? When you hear Alka-Seltzer, you probably think heartburn, right?
1:08:32 Speaker 06 Yep.
1:08:33 Conan O'Brien? Well, did you know Alka-Seltzer has a line of cold and flu medications known as Alka-Seltzer Cold? Did you know that, David?
1:08:40 Speaker 06 No, but I feel like we need it.
1:08:42 Conan O'Brien? Why didn't you know that, David?
1:08:43 Speaker 06 I know, you expect me to know everything.
1:08:45 Conan O'Brien? I knew this because I-
1:08:46 Speaker 06 Did you?
1:08:46 Conan O'Brien? Yeah, I've tried it. It's really good. And I like that fizzy, fizzy, fizzy when you drop the Alka-Seltzer Cold-
1:08:52 Speaker 06 You do, yeah.
1:08:53 Conan O'Brien? Alka-Seltzer Cold Fast Dissolves Tablets are designed to deliver cold and flu relief fast. Just drop the two tablets in water and hear those bubbles bursting into action, ready to work faster than pills. Bubbles faster than pills. Pills take time to dissolve, not bubbles. Next time a cold or flu strikes, quick! Alka-Seltzer Cold: Nothing Works Faster for Cold and Flu Symptom Relief. Among oral products used as directed.
Previous Suspiciously Healthy Next Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release) Page updated November 5, 2026 · transcript and summary are machine-generated