Stop Trying to “Win” An Argument With Your Partner! (THIS Shift Will Turn Conflict into Communication)

Why can it sometimes feel easier to connect with the outside world than with the person we love most? Jay explores why love can feel stressful instead of safe, even when both people care deeply. Drawing from his Audible Original Messy Love: Difficult Conversations for Deeper Connection, he breaks down the everyday habits that quietly create distance: subtle disrespect, scorekeeping, unspoken resentment, mismatched conflict styles, and the fear of saying what we really feel. Through real sessions with three couples, he shows that what we often label as incompatibility is rarely about love itself, it’s about unresolved hurt, inherited fight patterns, and the deep need to feel respected, recognized, and taken seriously by the person we care about most. Jay introduces five transformative principles that can help couples turn conflict into connection. From understanding how respect, not chemistry, is the true foundation of lasting love, to breaking the silent resentment of scorekeeping, he invites listeners to reflect on where imbalance, miscommunication, and unexpressed needs may be shaping their connection. He explains how our conflict styles, whether we vent, hide, or explode, are protective patterns learned over time, and why repair, not perfection, is the true marker of a healthy relationship. In this episode, you'll learn: How to Build Love on Respect, Not Just Chemistry How to Stop Scorekeeping Before It Turns Into Resentment How to Express Needs Without Blame How to Identify and Improve Your Conflict Style How to Repair After an Argument Instead of Withdrawing How to Communicate Feelings Instead of Accusations Healthy love isn’t built in grand gestures or perfect moments. It’s built when two people choose understanding over ego, consistency over intensity, and respect over being right. And knowing those choices are available to you at any moment. Listen to Jay’s Messy Love: Difficult Conversations for Deeper Connection on Audible. Visit https://www.audible.com/pd/Messy-Love-Audiobook/B0G16Z76ZD With Love and Gratitude, Jay Shetty Join over 750,000 people to receive my most transformative wisdom directly in your inbox every single week with my free newsletter. Subscribe here. What We Discuss: 00:00 Intro 01:17 Difficult Conversations for Deeper Connection 02:24 Principle #1: Influence, Respect, and Recognition 14:50 Principle #2: Scorekeeping 20:15 Principle #3: Conflict Styles 25:50 Principle #4: The X, Y, Z Communication Method 33:14 Principle #5: Create a 30-Day Agreement See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Jay Shetty?

  Hey everyone, welcome back to On Purpose. Today, we're talking about Messy Love: Difficult Conversations for Deeper Connection. We're living in a time where people are more connected than ever before. Yet so many of us feel deeply disconnected in our relationships. We have access to endless information, constant communication, and more tools than ever to improve our lives. We set goals for our careers, our health, our routines, and our personal growth. But rarely do we pause to reflect on how we love, how we listen, and how we show up for the people closest to us. Many of us were never taught what healthy love actually looks like.

• 0:44Jay Shetty?

  We weren't taught how to communicate when emotions run high, how to repair after conflict, or how to feel safe being honest without fear of loss. Instead, we carry patterns from our past into our present, hoping things will somehow work themselves out. And when relationships feel messy, confusing, or painful, we often blame ourselves or the other person, without realizing that most of what we're experiencing is learned behavior, not personal failure. Today, I want to share five powerful relationship lessons from my new Audible original, Messy Love: Difficult Conversations for Deeper Connection.

• 1:28Jay Shetty?

  My hope is that these are not just ideas for you to think about, but active practices you can bring in to your real-life relationships. In my Audible original, Messy Love, I sit down with three different couples over three sessions each. Together, we explore how to build emotional safety, navigate conflict, and rebuild trust in their relationships. I'll walk you through five core principles from the series, and after each one, offer you a simple exercise you can try for yourself, whether with a romantic partner, a family relationship, or any bond that holds value for you. And to hear how these tools come to life,

• 2:10Jay Shetty?

  make sure to check out Messy Love, available only on Audible. Audible's Well-Being Collection has everything to inspire and support you in every step of your well-being journey. So let's get started. Principle one is all about influence, respect and recognition. Early in the series, I meet Amanda and Ryan, a couple who feel out of sync in their schedules and emotional connection with one another. I quickly identify that beneath their frustration is a shared desire to feel influence, respect and recognition from one another for what they do.

• 2:50Jay Shetty?

  When we don't feel seen or valued, we start to build resentment, not because we don't care, but because we don't feel safe to keep giving. Let me share a moment from my conversation with Amanda and Ryan that really captures what this looks like in real life. As you listen, notice how both of them aren't actually arguing about tasks or schedules. They're wrestling with something deeper, the need to feel valued and understood in the relationship. Hearing Ryan and Amanda share, it's becoming clear to me that the underlying core issue is respect, recognition and influence.

• 3:31Jay Shetty?

  In any relationship, people aren't really arguing just about the finances, they're arguing about, do I have an influence in the decisions we make? People are not just arguing over what roles they do or how many chores they have, they're arguing over how much respect they feel. And ultimately, everyone wants to feel recognized by their partner for the work they put in. And so that's at the core of this relationship.

• 3:58Jay Shetty?

  Thank you both for being so vulnerable and open. I really appreciate it. This is the reality of what we're all dealing with, which is we like each other, we love each other, things make sense, but there's the realities of life, whether that be financial, emotional, mental. And as I'm listening to you both, when we really get beneath the surface, it seems like less of a... Income conversation and more of a influence, respect and recognition conversation. And I mean, Ryan, you just said totally straight away.

• 4:33Speaker 01

  Yeah. And it took a lot of years to understand, like, when things happen, it's not personal. Like, if I feel like she took a low blow, understanding that, like, it's not her legitimately wanting to hurt me. That's just her protecting herself in the same way that I do it in my way. When I get insecure, when I feel less than, my natural reaction is to get angry and like loud and big, because then I don't feel weak.

• 5:04Jay Shetty?

  What are your exact roles right now? I get the sense overall, but what are your exact roles right now? And how have you learned to place value? It sounds like in those heated moments, there's an unequal value on certain roles.

• 5:21Speaker 02

  Now I generally go to Pilates or work out before I teach because I need to like set myself up for the day. And because by nine o'clock, my phone, like I have a work phone and obviously a personal phone. The amount of people needing my attention is so intense that I really like those hours. So usually before Ryan and Piggy wake up, I've already worked out and like taught two classes and I'm already like well into my day. Late morning or midday, that's where a little chaos comes in. As if Ryan and Piggy have gone for a walk and I come home and I'm a little bit of a tornado. And then I go to the wellness center and I see patients.

• 6:00Speaker 01

  She's kind of always a tornado because everything's stacked. If the smallest little glitch in the schedule happens, things start to fall apart. I'm the support role to back to what you're asking.

• 6:12Speaker 02

  Traditionally, I'd be like in the fifties, like the man that goes to work.

• 6:16Speaker 01

  We kind of joke about that, that I'm, I'm more of the homemaker and I make everything run around the house and all of the errands in the store and, and things like that. You know, and she works. And in those moments where she's flustered and busy and like, I gotta do this, I gotta do that. And I'm trying to like,

• 6:34Speaker 02

  He's the fixer.

• 6:35Speaker 01

  Like make her some food and make this and gather this. Another thing that happens a lot when she's like that, she'll just be barking orders and do this, do that. And like, where is this? Where is that? So now I'm freaking out, having anxiety attack because I can't find this piece of paper or we ran out of this and she needs that. And so that's where the resentment builds up is like, I do so much, but in this moment, you'll make a comment like, I'm not doing enough. And all this other stuff that I did that you have no idea that, you know, helped your day out and made it more efficient. You're gonna harp on this one thing and now I have to feel bad about that.

• 7:14Jay Shetty?

  What you're hearing there isn't really about who does more. It's about what happens when appreciation turns into accounting. When recognition fades, resentment fills the gap. Here's an exercise I want you to try. For the first set of the exercise, I invite you to ask yourself, in what moments do you feel seen and recognized in your relationship? And then, when do you feel invisible or overlooked? Like you aren't being seen and recognized in that connection? Notice what comes up for you. Then see if you can share this information with the other person in your life. I want to start with something that sounds obvious, but changes

• 7:56Jay Shetty?

  everything. A lot of people think the foundation of a romantic relationship is chemistry. But chemistry is the spark. The foundation is respect. And here's how you can tell the difference between a relationship that feels exciting and a relationship that actually feels safe. In a healthy relationship, you feel respected, recognized, and influential. Not in charge, not dominant, influential. Like your presence matters. Like your feelings register. Like your voice changes the room. Because love without respect doesn't feel like love. It feels like

• 8:37Jay Shetty?

  anxiety with good memories. The respect part is really important. Respect isn't just being polite. Respect is how someone treats your reality.

• 8:50Jay Shetty?

  Do they take your feelings seriously? Do they handle your boundaries like they matter? Do they speak to you like you're someone they're proud to be with? Especially when they're annoyed? There's a reason respect is such a big deal in research. Respect is one of those things you don't appreciate until it's missing. Because when respect is missing, everything starts to feel personal. A joke feels like a jab. A disagreement feels like dismissal. A boundary feels like you're asking for too much. And here's a modern, very 2026 reality. A lot of women aren't breaking up because they stopped loving someone. They're breaking up because they got tired of being handled casually.

• 9:36Jay Shetty?

  The relationship didn't end in one big betrayal. It ended in a thousand tiny moments of disrespect. The eye roll, the sarcasm, the "you're too sensitive", the "I forgot" that happens every time it's important to you. Respect is the difference between "I don't agree with you" and "I don't take you seriously". Notice the difference between those. "I don't agree with you" is respectful. "I don't take you seriously" is personal. Now let's talk recognition. Because this is where so many relationships quietly fail. Recognition is the feeling of "my partner gets me", not just my highlight reel, not just my cute side, not just my social self, me.

• 10:21Jay Shetty?

  In psychology, there's a concept called perceived partner responsiveness. It's basically the science version of "I feel seen". It means you feel your partner understands you, cares about you, and appreciates you. And here's why this matters. When you don't feel recognized, you start performing. You start editing yourself. You start picking your words carefully. You start managing your emotions so you don't ruin the vibe. And you can call it being chill, but it's actually being alone while in a relationship. Recognition is what makes love feel like a place you can exhale. A lot of people I speak to say some version of this.

• 11:04Jay Shetty?

  They say they love me, but I don't feel known. Or they're there, but I feel invisible. And in real life dating culture, recognition looks like simple things. They remember what stresses you out without you having to remind them. They notice when your energy changes. They don't make you explain the same emotional pain twice. That's recognition, and it's rare because it requires attention. Now here's the piece that changes the whole game. Influence. Influence is when your partner is open to being affected by you. Not controlled by you, affected by you. This is where the Gottman research is powerful.

• 11:47Jay Shetty?

  John Gottman's work on couples consistently points to the importance of accepting influence. Being able to say in small daily ways, your opinion matters. I can be moved by you. I'm not in a power struggle with you. And Gottman's team has written about how in heterosexual relationships, a common predictor of long-term stability is whether the man can accept influence from his partner. Meaning he can soften, consider, adjust, and share power rather than turning everything into a standoff. Let me make this very modern and practical. A lot of people think influence means I get my way. Nope.

• 12:30Jay Shetty?

  Influence means I don't feel like I have to fight to be considered. It's the difference between being with someone who listens and being with someone who only hears you when you've reached your breaking point. Influence shows up in tiny moments. You say something bothered you and they don't argue out of it. You make a request and they don't treat it like an attack. You bring up a need and they don't punish you with withdrawal. When influence is missing, people start doing what they're famous for doing. They start adapting, they get quieter, they get easier, they get more low maintenance. And everyone thinks the relationship is better now. Until they leave.

• 13:14Jay Shetty?

  Not because they stopped loving them. But because they stopped feeling like themselves. Here's the cultural trap, being cool versus being respected. Here's a trend I wanna call out gently, because it's everywhere. So many women have been taught to be the cool girl, the unbothered one, the easy one, that I'm not like that one. But the truth is, being low maintenance is not the goal. Being highly respected is, because love is not earned by shrinking. Love is sustained by mutual care. If you have to downplay your needs to make someone love you, that isn't love. That's emotional rent.

• 13:56Jay Shetty?

  If you're listening right now and thinking, okay, but how do I know if this is my relationship? Here are three questions that cut through the noise. One, do I feel respected when we disagree? Not when we're in love mode, when we're in conflict. Do I feel recognized on my hard days? Or am I only lovable when I'm convenient? And number three, do I have influence or do I have to escalate to be heard? Do I need to cry, threaten to leave, or shut down for my feelings to count? Because if your relationship requires emotional extremes to produce basic consideration, it's not intimacy, it's instability. So here's what I want to share about principle one.

• 14:40Jay Shetty?

  Respect is how love stays safe. Recognition is how love stays seen. And influence is how love stays equal. Now, principle two is all about scorekeeping. This is another key principle that plays out with Amanda and Ryan and is at the root of so many couples, I mean. Scorekeeping happens when we track what the other person did or didn't do, and quietly use that information to build a case against them. But over time, this internal scoreboard can turn into resentment and emotional distance. Scorekeeping makes us adversaries. Shared understanding makes us partners. And when couples begin naming what they value in each other instead of what's missing,

• 15:24Jay Shetty?

  the emotional tone of the relationship changes almost immediately.

• 15:38Jay Shetty?

  This episode is brought to you by Vinted. Value can be found anywhere, even in the clothes sitting untouched in our closets. That's where Vinted comes in. Vinted is a secondhand marketplace app where you can sell clothes you no longer want and get more value out of them. Whether you're running out of space, moving, or simply updating your wardrobe. Listing items is a quick and simple process, and once something sells, Vinted creates a prepaid shipping label for you. And the best part, there are no seller fees, so you keep what you earn. It's a simple way to clear out your closet, be less wasteful, and maybe make some extra money along the way. And if you've been thinking about a wardrobe refresh, this can make it feel a little more worthwhile. You're not just letting go of clothes, you're getting more value from what you already have.

• 16:21Jay Shetty?

  Give your clothes a second life with Vinted. Download the Vinted app for free to start selling with no seller fees, so you keep every dollar you earn.

• 16:42Jay Shetty?

  In my work, I've noticed that contribution usually shows up in five areas: financial, mental, physical, emotional, spiritual. Conflict often happens when two people are giving generously, just in different currencies. And because those currencies aren't named, both people feel depleted and misunderstood, even used sometimes. Conflict often arises when someone feels they are over-giving in one area and under-receiving in another area without naming it. So here's an exercise. Your next step is the same one I asked Amanda and Ryan to do. Ask yourself, in what areas of your relationship do you feel like you are over-giving and under-receiving?

• 17:28Jay Shetty?

  And in what areas do you feel you're under giving and over receiving? Share your findings with your partner and see if you can make any alterations to find a more balance in your relationship. And scorekeeping is often very unlabeled and random. It can be, I planned the last three dates. I always text first. I was there when they were struggling, but where were they when I needed support? I apologize, they didn't. Scorekeeping doesn't usually start with resentment. It starts with imbalance. And imbalance doesn't feel dangerous at first. It feels annoying. But over time, small mental tallies turn into emotional distance. And here's the part that's uncomfortable.

• 18:10Jay Shetty?

  Scorekeeping feels justified because most of the time it is. The reason we keep score from a psychological perspective is humans are wired for fairness. Research in social psychology shows that people are deeply sensitive to perceived inequity. When one partner feels they're investing more than they're receiving, relationship satisfaction drops significantly. Equity theory basically says, we don't just want love, we want fairness. And when something feels unfair, your brain flags it. That's not pettiness, that's biology. But here's where it gets complicated. Fairness in relationships is rarely mathematical. It's emotional.

• 18:54Jay Shetty?

  One person might be carrying more financially, carrying more emotionally, carrying more mentally. And the imbalance might be temporary or chronic. The problem isn't noticing imbalance. The problem is turning it into a silent ledger. Let's make this real for 2026. Scorekeeping today looks like tracking who initiates plans. Noticing who says I love you first and more often. Watching who shares their story on social media. Counting how long it takes for someone to reply. Mentally logging who compromised last. It sounds small, but it changes the emotional tone of the relationship. Because once you start keeping score, you stop giving freely.

• 19:39Jay Shetty?

  You give to balance the sheet. And that shifts love from generosity to transaction. John Gottman's research on relationships found something fascinating.

• 19:51Jay Shetty?

  Couples don't survive because they split everything fifty fifty. They survive because they respond to each other's bids for connection. A bid can be small. Look at this. Can I tell you something? Are you okay? Healthy couples turn toward those bids about eighty-six percent of the time. Unhappy couples, around thirty-three percent. Not because they're evil, because they're tired, because they feel unseen, because they're already keeping score. And when you're keeping score, you start missing bids on purpose. Oh, now you want my attention. Oh, now you're affectionate. Oh, now you care. Scorekeeping turns connection into revenge. Scorekeeping feels powerful. It gives you evidence.

• 20:36Jay Shetty?

  But here's the truth. Scorekeeping is usually unspoken resentment. And unspoken resentment becomes emotional withdrawal. You don't scream, you don't leave. You just start caring a little less. You stop initiating. You stop softening. You stop breaching. Not because you don't love them, because you're protecting yourself from feeling foolish. So what's the alternative? This is important. The solution is not to ignore imbalance. The solution is to address it directly instead of storing it. Scorekeeping thrives in silence. Healthy love says, I'm feeling stretched here. I need more support. I noticed what you're giving me here, but I do feel like I'm carrying this alone.

• 21:20Jay Shetty?

  That's not nagging, that's clarity. Because once resentment builds, you're not negotiating needs. You're negotiating wounds. The next thing I want to talk to you about is conflict styles. In Messy Love, the second couple I meet is Gladys and Justin, who are having a difficult time with the way they communicate and trust in one another. I shared with them three core fight styles or conflict styles. Venting, I want to fix this right now. Hiding, I need space and time to reflect on my feelings. And exploding, what happens when the first two go unheard. Here is a moment where I introduced this idea to Gladys and Justin. As you listen, notice how naming the conflict style immediately lowers the temperature.

• 22:04Jay Shetty?

  Often, when we finally speak up, we speak louder but not clearer. When I say louder, I don't mean you're shouting.

• 22:12Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 22:13Jay Shetty?

  It's more confident, but it doesn't mean confidence is clarity in is that person really able to understand what we're saying? That's why this exercise of that trigger and reaction is so important because what's happening is the trigger is speaking louder, maybe not clearer, and the reaction is minimizing and projecting value onto it. And that's where everything escalates. What happens when it escalates? So you don't feel seen and heard, Gladys. Justin will say, can't believe we're here again, it's too small. Why are we doing this? Where does that go?

• 22:47Speaker 03

  I just shut down, which is the next one, but I just shut down. And then that's when he kind of wants to have a conversation. And at that point, I don't want to have a conversation. It just becomes an argument. And then the conversation becomes very defensive. And then at some point, that is probably the biggest thing. Like, I feel it in my chest when this happens. I get so angry that I'll just scream and be like, I don't care anymore. Just get off my phone. Like, I don't even care, I don't want to talk to you. Walk away. And I start becoming really rude.

• 23:16Jay Shetty?

  Yeah. And that's when we've, we've already gone too far where it's like, it's unsavable at that point, that conversation, because tension's high, there's loads of emotion. We've lost that rational part of us that has the ability to... Justin, your thoughts on that?

• 23:31Speaker 04

  Yeah, it's pretty accurate. And it, it happens on, on both behalfs. You know, there's some times where she'll shut down and then I do the same and then we just don't talk. And then there's like that awkward silence and then somebody breaks the ice. Most of the time it's me, you know, coming to try to figure it out. Right?

• 23:51Jay Shetty?

  Yeah. And so what we're really speaking about here is that in terms of your communication challenges. The communication challenge is for Gladys is saying what you really want, when you want it, and being really clear about it, and for it not to be a trigger. I think the challenge is when we only communicate when it's triggered, it's no longer communication, it's now a trigger. That's why we call it that. And I think communication is actually there's nothing wrong right now. And there's nothing that I'm agitated right now. And in this piece, I'm actually going to share what I want. If I communicate when I'm not triggered, chances are I won't trigger the other person.

• 24:32Jay Shetty?

  But if I only communicate when I'm triggered, chances I'm going to lead to a reaction. And I think for yourself in that, Justin, if you're only reacting to a trigger, you're going to have a reaction. But for you to break this cycle, we've got to make sure that you're able to, even if Gladys gets triggered, to be able to approach it in a form of validation and making her feel seen and heard. And so there's responsibility and accountability on both sides, because we don't want to get to the escalation point. Because that's the point of an overturn where repairing from that is a lot harder. When we understand how we fight, we stop assuming it's about whether we care. Here's a moment where we go deeper into triggers and how quickly reactions can spiral when clarity is missing.

• 25:17Jay Shetty?

  Conflict styles aren't flaws, they're patterns we learn to protect ourselves. But when those patterns go unnamed, they collide. The goal isn't to eliminate conflict, it's to understand it well enough that repair becomes possible. Conflict styles aren't flaws, they're patterns we learn to protect ourselves. But when those patterns go unnamed, they collide. The goal isn't to eliminate conflict, it's to understand it well enough that repair becomes possible. For this exercise, I invite you to identify which fight style is most common for you in your relationship. Then consider why you think this style developed and whether any adjustments could be made. Are you a fixer, a venter, or an exploder?

• 26:01Jay Shetty?

  Most relationships don't fall apart because of big betrayals. They fall apart because of how two people fight or don't fight. Your conflict style is the invisible script you run when something feels off. It's how you react when you're hurt, when you're misunderstood, when you're disappointed. And most of us didn't choose our style, we inherited it. Here's what's fascinating. Research shows that conflict is not predictive of divorce. Avoidance of repair is. Gottman's work shows it's not about whether you argue, it's about whether you repair quickly. Do you soften after? Do you circle back? Do you say, "I didn't mean it that way"? Or do you stay in ego? Here's the hard question.

• 26:45Jay Shetty?

  Ask yourself, when we fight, do I feel closer after or more alone? Because conflict styles don't determine compatibility. Repair does. It's not about finding someone who you never argue with. It's about finding someone who stays with you even after you argue. Principle number four. The final couple we meet in Messy Love, my Audible original, is Jeremy and Richard, who are deeply in love and committed to growing together, but working through very different communication styles. This is something I see quite often in my work with couples and can be incredibly frustrating without a solution. For this, I offer the X Y Z method, a simple framework for expressing needs without blame or judgment.

• 27:31Jay Shetty?

  It goes like this. When you X, I feel Y. How can we work together to get to Z? Let me share a moment where I introduce this framework to Jeremy and Richard. The challenge is as humans, we all internalize all statements. So most people, when they hear the statement, "You don't understand me", what we hear is, "You're not an understanding person."

• 27:54Speaker 05

  Yeah, sure.

• 27:54Jay Shetty?

  Right? "I'm not an understanding person." And then what the person on the receiving end does is think of all the ways in which they are an understanding person. "Hey, but wait a minute, I understood when you had that doctor's... Hey, wait a minute, I understood when we were with Jay." It's like, no, the way you want to share it is very specific. When you do X... I feel Y. Yeah. How can we get to Z? We can use this framework that has evolved from many solution-focused therapies to be really specific. Right? That's how we wanna try and have that conversation moving forward. Because the other challenge we all say to our partners is we all say, you always do this and you never do that. Right? You always leave the dishes unclean.

• 28:37Jay Shetty?

  You never organize vacations for us to go on. And so we speak in finality and completeness as opposed to when you leave the dishes uncleaned. Very specific when, not always, not never, when you leave the dishes uncleaned. I feel you don't value me. Whereas you could have just said that you don't make me feel valued. And that lands completely differently. Oh, yeah. You just don't value me. Yeah. And the other person's like, what do you mean I don't value you? I just made you coffee this morning. I took the dog for a walk. I cooked us dinner last night. What do you mean? Like, no, you don't value me. The dishes were unclean last night. And now you've already lost the argument. When you do X, I feel Y.

• 29:21Jay Shetty?

  What you're doing is you're taking accountability for your feeling. And you're being specific to clear up when you feel that way. And then the person gets an opportunity to explain how those two things are not connected. So what I want you to do, Richard, is I want you to express something to Jeremy. You may have done something before. I want you to take something you shared in anger or flippantly or something you shared without this process. Maybe you said, you don't value me. Maybe you said, you're careless with money. And I want you to now say it with this new rhythm and new script.

• 29:57Speaker 05

  I was just kind of thinking about like, when that typically happens, it's usually around like cleaning the house.

• 30:03Speaker 06

  Oh, that's true. I, that's where my mind went to first.

• 30:06Speaker 05

  Yeah. And I'm a very clean person, I just wanna state for the record. But he's freakishly obsessively clean.

• 30:12Speaker 06

  I don't think you're a dirty person at all. I think you can be messy. And when I spend a lot of time making our house nice and clean and lovely, like a hotel.

• 30:31Speaker 06

  I, and when.

• 30:33Jay Shetty?

  So, yeah, so now I want to use the script. So. How would Richard have said that before today? How would Richard have said that? How would you say this without the script?

• 30:43Speaker 06

  God, why can't you just wipe that up? You're a dirty slob.

• 30:46Jay Shetty?

  Brilliant, great.

• 30:47Speaker 06

  Or like, God, I just cleaned up, deep cleaned the whole house. And like, you're, you know, making a sandwich. You can't even wipe up the crumbs.

• 30:54Speaker 05

  He will get bothered by me eating food after he's cleaned the kitchen.

• 30:57Speaker 06

  After I deep clean, but like, I don't mind just like wipe down the counter. There's like crumbs.

• 31:04Speaker 05

  How would you say it with our new skill set?

• 31:06Jay Shetty?

  Okay.

• 31:07Speaker 06

  When, when you do these kind of things.

• 31:11Jay Shetty?

  No, it's.

• 31:13Speaker 06

  When you leave the crumbs on the counter after I cleaned, I deep cleaned our home. I feel like you don't value the love and work that I put into our household to make it nice for us.

• 31:34Speaker 06

  So how do we get to the Z?

• 31:35Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, so what can we do? Well, what do you need at that point to get to Z?

• 31:40Speaker 06

  Well, in order for me to get to Z, I would want you to be more mindful when you've noticed that I took a lot of time out of my day to make our home the way it is.

• 31:54Speaker 05

  Sure. Yeah, that comes off much better than.

• 31:57Speaker 06

  That would make me feel valued.

• 31:59Speaker 05

  Sure.

• 32:00Speaker 06

  That, you know, you appreciate all the hard work that I do for our household.

• 32:06Jay Shetty?

  Here's where we take that X, Y, Z method and apply it in real time. So what makes the X, Y, Z method so powerful isn't just the words themselves. It's the space it creates between reaction and understanding. So often in relationships, we think we're arguing about the behavior. But what we're really fighting is the meaning we've attached to it. The moment we assume intention, the conversation becomes about who's right instead of what's true. The X, Y, Z method helps us untangle that. When you X anchors us in observation, not interpretation. It asks us to describe what happened, not what we think it says about our partner.

• 32:50Jay Shetty?

  When you say, "I feel Y," it reminds us that emotions are not weapons, they're signals. And when we take responsibility for our feelings, we stop asking our partner to defend themselves and instead invite them to understand us. Finally, when you say, "How can we get to Z?" That shifts the energy completely. It transforms conflict from a courtroom into a collaboration. For this exercise, think of a point of frustration in your relationship and attempt to communicate with the other person using the X, Y, Z model. Make sure you feel heard, then create the space for the other person to do the same. Let's talk about something that sounds simple,

• 33:35Jay Shetty?

  but quietly determines whether a relationship deepens or deteriorates. Communicating your feelings, not your opinions, not your analysis, not your sarcasm, your feelings. But here's the truth. Most people think they're communicating their feelings, when they're actually communicating their conclusions. And those are very different things. When something hurts, most of us don't say, "I felt ignored." We say, "You never listen." When we feel insecure, we don't say, "I'm feeling anxious." We say, "You don't care." That shift from feeling to accusation changes everything. Here's the hard question. Ask yourself, when I'm hurt, do I communicate to be understood?

• 34:21Jay Shetty?

  Or do I communicate to win? Because these two intentions create completely different outcomes. And our final principle today comes from my conversation with Justin and Gladys. Lasting change feels overwhelming when we think in terms of forever. But when we focus on just 30 days, trust becomes achievable again through small, consistent actions. So what I suggest to them is to create a 30-day agreement. Sharing a moment now where I introduce this idea to Justin and Gladys. As you listen, notice how the energy shifts when the focus moves from forever to just the next 30 days. For the remainder of this session, I want to focus in on creating...

• 35:06Jay Shetty?

  What I see is a thirty day agreement that you both make together. That becomes a rolling agreement, which is an agreement to everything that you both just mentioned. The growth, the love, the connection, but we wanna do it with practical terminology. And what I mean by that is, well, how often do we wanna talk? What do we wanna talk about? How often do we wanna meet and connect? Let's structure that. Let's create what our current boundaries are and where we wanna stop them. Because what we don't want it to become is that, right now, you both feel really clear that it's not time to get back together. It would be too early, it would be too rushed, it would be too forced. And we wanna get to a point where we don't rush into it or fall into those moments, but that you both are able to progress.

• 35:52Jay Shetty?

  And so I want you to talk about what a thirty day agreement would look like. It's like, what are we both signing up for? In terms of time for connection, in terms of space, in terms of how often we're getting together? And in terms of what are our boundaries? Okay, we may spend one or two, three days together in a row, but then gonna need two days off, like I'm gonna, you know, whatever it is. And then that can change, that agreement becomes something that you come back to. But actually, in the next thirty days, I'm willing to spend one more day together. And it becomes like that guideline I gave you for the three-part communication. It's that whenever emotions take over in either direction, you have something to turn to. And you both keep each other accountable to that. You're not making a commitment for the next twelve months. Yeah. It's a thirty day agreement that, again, what I would encourage you to do in thirty days

• 36:37Jay Shetty?

  is to sit down and do this again together, as if I was there and say, okay, well, this is what went well, this is what didn't work. Maybe we didn't spend enough time together, maybe we spent too much time together, maybe there was this, and so then you create a new agreement. And it's thirty days, which means you're not signing a contract for life or... I think that's sometimes what's so hard about relationships, is we make these big decisions. We're like, oh, we're just gonna move back in together and figure it out. And it's like, well, okay, well, what does that look like in thirty days and sixty days? And so this patient approach is healthier for Alaya, it's healthier for both of you, as you've both talked about. And so if right now you're both signing up to no other romantic partners, it's a thirty day agreement. If that changes in ninety days, it's something you can update each other on and move on.

• 37:22Jay Shetty?

  But at least there's clarity and you both have a transparent approach to it.

• 37:26Speaker 03

  I agree.

• 37:26Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 37:27Speaker 03

  I don't know why imagining, it has to be like a three-page agreement, you know?

• 37:32Jay Shetty?

  To be honest, the simpler and the less, the better. To me, it's not about how many points you have on it. It's more about having the key things that move the needle for both of you and checking in with how you feel. So yeah, I would say I would like you both to like write this out in your words together.

• 37:51Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 37:51Jay Shetty?

  This would be a great activity to do together as your homework. Print it out, keep it somewhere really, really clear. Where you both have the same, print out the same words. You've chosen those words together. And ideas for each as well, you know, you may find that going out for brunch and dinner is nice, but then you want to add other activities and things and trips or whatever else that includes. I think getting language down right so that you both feel really clear about it and you know what you're honoring would be something I would recommend you both do after this together. Does that feel good?

• 38:24Speaker 03

  This feels really good.

• 38:25Jay Shetty?

  It does, yeah. The beauty of the thirty day contract isn't in grand promises. It's in small, consistent actions that rebuild trust slowly and intentionally. Trust isn't restored through intensity, it's restored through repetition. Here's an exercise. Create a thirty day contract with the other person in your relationship. In the agreement, be sure to include these three things. One, identify your core pillars, what are integral to the relationship, what they are and what they mean to you. Two, set realistic commitments and boundaries that you both feel good about. Number three, revisit and renew your agreement regularly. This is a working document and not a one and done deal.

• 39:08Jay Shetty?

  These five principles are just a few of the powerful insights you will hear in my Audible original, Messy Love. For much more where that came from, please check out Messy Love exclusively on Audible. Check it out at audible.com/messylove. Thank you for listening. Remember, I'm forever in your corner and always rooting for you.