Sadia Khan: Stop Ignoring Red Flags! (How to Train Your Brain to Know When To Walk Away)

Does anything in your life feel a little “off” right now? Do you feel like you're settling for less than you deserve? Today, Jay sits down with Sadia Khan, psychotherapist and relationship expert, for a deep and unfiltered conversation on love, commitment, and emotional healing in the modern age. Known for her bold and counterintuitive insights, Sadia brings clarity to the often murky waters of dating, self-worth, and relationship dynamics. Sadia shares her powerful perspective on the importance of being able to walk away from disrespect, and how this one shift can transform who you attract and how you're treated. She challenges conventional dating advice by focusing not on what you attract—but what you entertain—highlighting the role of self-esteem in relationship choices. She explains why emotional unavailability feels attractive, how ghosting reflects poor communication habits, and why your dating app rejection might not be what you think it is. Jay and Sadia dive into the core issues many of her clients face, including infidelity, fear of commitment, and men struggling with masculinity. She unpacks how a lack of male role models, the ability to set boundaries, and people-pleasing behaviors can derail modern masculinity—and how both men and women can break these cycles to build healthier love. Sadia introduces the "Three A’s" women need to fall in love—Attraction, Admiration, and Adoration—and the "Three L’s" men need—Lust, Labor, and Loyalty—exploring how balance in these elements creates deep, lasting connection. She also breaks down why women might cheat on “nice” men and how misunderstanding emotional needs can lead to betrayal. In this episode, you’ll learn: How to Attract and Maintain Healthy Relationships. Why Self-Worth is the Foundation of Love. How to Avoid the Trap of Emotional Immaturity. What Makes Men and Women Truly Commit. The Real Reasons Behind Infidelity. How to Build Masculine Strength in a Healthy Way. Why Peace is Better than Constant Pleasure in Love. This conversation is a masterclass in emotional intelligence and healing. If you're navigating heartbreak, struggling with self-worth, or seeking a deep, lasting relationship—this episode is for you. With Love and Gratitude, Jay Shetty What We Discuss: 00:00 Intro 01:17 How to Stop Fearing Conflict and Start Choosing Yourself 02:24 Why We Fall for the Emotionally Unavailable 05:31 The Hidden Dangers of Dating Apps 07:01 Is Wanting Similarity the Same as Settling? 08:40 How to Stop Getting Ghosted in Modern Dating 09:31 The Early Signs of a Healthy Relationship 11:19 The Two Most Common Relationship Struggles: Infidelity and Commitment 12:19 What Happens When Men Lack Masculinity 15:25 Why Men Need Stronger Role Models 18:21 The Unspoken Contract Behind People-Pleasing 19:25 How to Show Love Without Seeking Approval 21:12 The Real Reason Women Cheat on Good Men 24:55 How to Teach Others How to Treat You 26:14 The Three A’s Every Woman Needs to Fall in Love 32:45 The Three L’s Every Man Needs to Stay in Love 36:10 How to Avoid Being Just a Temporary Fling 37:49 Why the Person You Date Isn’t Always the One You Marry 40:42 Sexual Discipline: Why It’s Essential for Self-Respect 42:29 What True Psychological Intimacy Really Looks Like 45:15 Lowering Your Standards May Cost You More Than You Think 46:10 Is Getting Cheated On Ever Partly Your Fault? 48:59 How to Recognize When You’re Being Disrespected 50:13 Are You Loyal to the Marriage or Just the Person? 52:45 The Most Honest Marriage Vow No One Talks About 56:50 Why Some Men Keep Choosing the Wrong Women 59:40 How to Know If You’re Afraid of Commitment 01:04:23 Can a Broken Relationship Be Fixed? 01:06:59 Why Knowing Your Deal Breakers Is Crucial 01:09:03 The Worst Thing to Say to Someone After a Breakup 01:09:56 Why So Many People Stay Stuck in Heartbreak 01:11:43 How to Find Closure Without an Apology 01:15:59 Not Everything You Want Is Good for You 01:66:54 Sadia on Final Five Episode Resources: Sadia Khan | Website Sadia Khan | Instagram Sadia Khan | TikTok Sadia Khan | YouTube See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Jay Shetty?

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• 0:44Jay Shetty?

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• 1:09Speaker 01

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• 1:38Jay Shetty?

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• 2:12Jay Shetty?

  Hey everyone, it's Jay Shetty and I'm thrilled to announce my podcast tour. For the first time ever, you can experience On Purpose in person. Join me in a city near you for meaningful, insightful conversations with surprise guests. It could be a celebrity, top wellness expert, or a CEO or business leader. We'll dive into experiences designed to experience growth, spark learning, and build real connections. I can't wait to meet you. There are a limited number of VIP experiences for a private Q and A, intimate meditation, and a meet and greet with photos. Tickets are on sale now. Head to jayshetty.me/tour and get yours today.

• 2:56Sadia Khan?

  The moment you heal your self-esteem, you'll have a natural distaste towards things that are bad for you. People who don't love you, people who don't treat you right. How you know your self-esteem is improving is at the moment those people start treating you badly, you lose attraction to them.

• 3:08Speaker 03

  The psychologist, teacher, and relationship expert.

• 3:11Jay Shetty?

  What would be your advice to someone who feels like they've got ghosted?

• 3:14Sadia Khan?

  Chances are they're hiding information. Ghosters, regardless of their reason, they're still poor communicators. The best predictor of future relationships is their past relationships. People are their patterns. My number one client is a man who's just been cheated on. The women are cheating on the men.

• 3:28Jay Shetty?

  No.

• 3:29Sadia Khan?

  A lot more than I ever expected.

• 3:31Jay Shetty?

  What's the worst thing to say to someone who's just gone through a breakup?

• 3:35Sadia Khan?

  Well, you knew he was like that anyway, so what's the problem?

• 3:38Jay Shetty?

  What can a woman do to make sure a man doesn't cheat on her?

• 3:41Sadia Khan?

  Have the willingness to walk away when she's being disrespected. That's all it really takes.

• 3:45Jay Shetty?

  Wow. This is without a doubt my favorite relationship episode we've ever done.

• 3:55Speaker 04

  The number one health and wellness podcast.

• 3:57Speaker 05

  Jay Shetty. Jay Shetty. The one, the only Jay Shetty.

• 4:03Jay Shetty?

  Hey everyone, welcome back to On Purpose, the place you come to become happier, healthier and more healed. Today's guest is going to help us do just that. She is Sadia Khan, a renowned psychotherapist and former psychology teacher, whose bold viral insights on modern relationships, masculinity and emotional healing have earned her a global following. Known for her no-nonsense approach, Sadia helps men and women navigate infidelity, identity and intimacy with clarity and strength. Sadia's mission is to empower people to reclaim their confidence, understand themselves and others and build real lasting love.

• 4:46Jay Shetty?

  Please welcome to On Purpose, Sadia Khan.

• 4:50Sadia Khan?

  Thank you so much for having me. I'm so unbelievably honoured to be sat opposite you and I know I've been gushing since I've arrived, but I can't express how grateful I am.

• 4:58Jay Shetty?

  Well Sadia, the feeling's mutual. I've been loving following you for the past couple of years and I can't wait to have this conversation with you because I think you present such a counterintuitive, refreshing, challenging view on love and I appreciate it. So let's dive straight in.

• 5:14Sadia Khan?

  Perfect.

• 5:14Jay Shetty?

  I want to ask you, if someone applied your teachings that you're about to share with us in the next couple of hours, what would they overcome?

• 5:24Sadia Khan?

  First thing that they would overcome is their fear of conflict. One of the things that keeps people stuck in relationships is that they have a fear of conflict because it boils down to they have a fear of walking away. And if people understood that the quality of your relationships will vastly improve the moment you exercise the ability to walk away when you're being heartbroken, when you're being disrespected and when you're being dehumanised, it actually brings out the best in your partner when they know that you have that strength. When you remove that strength from your relationships, what ends up happening is that you attract people who will use and abuse you and treat you terribly because they see that your kindness is going to be your downfall. So I think if you really apply my teachings, the only thing that will happen is that you will have the self-esteem to simply attract people who are good for you

• 6:09Sadia Khan?

  and develop a disdain towards people who treat you badly. And because of that, you can select better and you can maintain your relationships in a healthier way.

• 6:15Jay Shetty?

  I love that. So people are going to select better, they're going to attract better and they're going to stay in the right relationships. Let's start with the first one. Most people I speak to feel like they keep attracting people who are unavailable, people who don't want to commit, people who don't have the emotional capacity for connection. Why is it?

• 6:34Sadia Khan?

  It's not what we attract, it's what we entertain. Most people can attract pretty much everybody. Yeah, if we try hard enough, we can pretty much attract everybody. But when we have low self-esteem, we have these personal prophecies that people are supposed to be a bit unavailable, people are supposed to be hard to get, or it's normal that he doesn't text back, or it's normal that he doesn't really ask me how my day is, it's normal that he only texts me at 12 a.m. on a Friday night. And because they believe that that's normalized to themselves, they start to accept what's actually not going to lead to a healthy relationship. The moment they figure out not what they're attracting, but what they're entertaining, they can take their power back and say, I'm actually attracting all types of men, but the ones I keep forming an attachment to are the ones that leave me a bit anxious and the ones that leave me worrying what this is and where this is going.

• 7:18Sadia Khan?

  Instead of being attracted to that, I start to learn that that is a signal that they've got commitment issues and all it's going to do is delay my time, delay my ability to get married, delay my ability to, you know, have a family and so on and so forth. So we can attract all types of men, but we only entertain the ones that will enable you to start a family and a relationship or whatever your goal is. They enable that. And if they don't enable that, try and lose attraction for them.

• 7:39Jay Shetty?

  Why do we feel more attracted to people who make us anxious and who are unavailable? Why is it that we think that they're the ones worth chasing?

• 7:48Sadia Khan?

  Firstly, if you, if we have low self-esteem, we kind of see as that this is supposed to happen. And nobody's supposed to just overly adore and love us. That's probably not going to happen. It's normal that we get treated like this, if that's your low self-esteem. But the other thing is unavailable men, sometimes they demonstrate the, um, the idea of having options and alternatives. Their mystery makes them seem more desirable. And because of that mystery, we assume that they've got something interesting going on. They've got alternatives, there's something about them that's making them busy and making them dismissive. When we really realize that it's actually they're just emotionally immature. They're not this special guy that's got a million things going and his work is taking over and he's so, so busy. Actually, he's just emotionally immature. He doesn't know how to commit, he doesn't know how to ward off alternatives and just focus on one person at the time.

• 8:32Sadia Khan?

  When you realize that it's actually a signal of emotional immaturity and desirability, we actually won't be so attracted to that person who can't communicate in a healthy way.

• 8:41Jay Shetty?

  I think you're spot on. When I'm listening to you, I'm thinking. If you want someone, like anyone should, who texts back within a decent amount of time, that's not an abnormal request.

• 8:52Sadia Khan?

  And nobody's that, that busy. I know like men like to say, I'm busy at work, or I've got this going on, I'm that stressed. Completely understandable, but one text to let that, let that person know will enable them to just relax the whole day, but you can't have the emotional maturity or the empathy to just send that quick text. Then that person doesn't understand what it takes to have a healthy relationship and they're probably not worth your investment.

• 9:12Jay Shetty?

  Obviously, a lot of people these days aren't even getting that far because they're meeting people on dating apps.

• 9:17Sadia Khan?

  Yeah.

• 9:17Jay Shetty?

  And so you're swiping away, you might get into a conversation with two or three people. First of all, let's talk about this. You're not matching with anyone, like no one, it doesn't feel like it's going that well. What do you say to men and women who feel like they've been rejected a few too many times and they're losing that faith and ability to feel that there is someone out there for them?

• 9:39Sadia Khan?

  Just to be careful on, are you actually not matching or are you disliking who you're matching with? Sometimes what's happened is because of social media and because of dating apps, we enter relationships with almost like a, you know, a double standard or a sense of comparison of comparing people to our algorithms. We're saying, well, if he's not the dream guy, or she's not the dream girl, if he's not a high value man and she's not a high value woman. We start to look at our matches with a level of like distaste. When sometimes the better thing to do is look at the people who are matching with you and try and see are they actually that bad? Are they some, is there something wrong with them? Or am I just comparing them to a dream idea or a partner that I haven't actually been able to access? I always just think the more you like the person you are, the higher your self-esteem, the more you like people who like you.

• 10:22Sadia Khan?

  The fact that the person that are matching you, automatically you start to like them more because they've matched you, because you like you and they, they like you as well. When you've got low self-esteem, you chase after people that you can't access. So my advice to people is always start with who likes you, always start with that pool. And then home in on that pool and see if you've got similar demographics, values, so on and so forth. But where people go wrong is they glorify the people that they're not matching with and wanting a love that they've never been able to access. And then comparing who they do get matched with, with these alternatives that aren't really real. So the better thing is to focus on who does and maybe adapt your standards to those people who are actually invested in you.

• 10:59Jay Shetty?

  It's so true, and I feel like. What I'm thinking people are gonna say is, well, why do I have to settle?

• 11:05Sadia Khan?

  If similarity feels like settling, then maybe your standards are too high. And what I mean by that is, I sometimes will meet men who are in their, maybe in their forties, on their second divorce, and saying, I don't want a woman with baggage. So I need somebody twenty five years old. I don't want women with baggage. Or sometimes I'll meet women who are, you know, not working and they say, I want a man that's an entrepreneur and got six figures. But I always just say, shouldn't you be looking for someone similar to you? And if similar to you starts to feel like you're settling, then maybe your standards are a bit inflated. If what you're bringing to the table and what you're receiving, if you're asking for that, you're not asking for too much. But if you're asking for people to fill the gaps in your self-worth, maybe you do need to adapt your standards a little bit. So ask yourself, does similarity feel like settling?

• 11:48Sadia Khan?

  If it does, then maybe we need to work on ourselves to be able to access people that we're actually craving.

• 11:53Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, it's so much of what you're talking about is just having awareness and honesty.

• 11:57Sadia Khan?

  I know.

• 11:58Jay Shetty?

  Like, there's such a need to be honest with ourselves.

• 12:01Sadia Khan?

  And it's harder, it's getting harder to become honest with ourselves because we are bombarded with advice from TikToks and advice from, you know, people that are giving advice about never settle, you're somebody's dream girl, or this is a high-value woman. So we think that if we get anything less than what our algorithm is suggesting, we're settling. When really, as long as we're matched in terms of values and maturity and where we see ourselves in the future, we're not truly settling. We're just finding somebody who's compatible.

• 12:26Jay Shetty?

  I mean, so many people on dating apps these days, their common experience has been ghosted. And I'm sure you've heard from a million people about feeling like, hey, we were having a good chat and this person just disappeared.

• 12:38Sadia Khan?

  Yeah.

• 12:39Jay Shetty?

  What would be your advice to someone who feels like they've got ghosted?

• 12:42Sadia Khan?

  I would say, try and have the reasonable expectations. Unfortunately, in the digital world, people see each other as disposable. And there's very minimal investment, so they don't always feel like they owe somebody an explanation. And usually when they're ghosting, it's either they've met alternatives or they might have just been on the app to buy some time to heal from a heartbreak. They're not truly looking for a partner. They're just looking to kind of heal some, or kind of recover from some kind of stress that they're going through as a coping mechanism. So if they're ghosting you, try not to take it too personal. But if you've been dating that person and then they ghost you, chances are they're hiding information. Ghosters, regardless of their reason, they're still poor communicators. And whatever the reason that they have for ghosting you, the bigger reason is they're not great at communicating.

• 13:25Sadia Khan?

  So try and reduce your attraction to people who can't communicate well.

• 13:28Jay Shetty?

  What are the signs? When you are dating someone or you're starting to have those early conversations with people, do you think people miss but should be looking out for that shows signs of a healthy, positive relationship?

• 13:42Sadia Khan?

  I would say that sometimes the best predictor of future relationships is their past relationships. And one thing I think people kind of forget is that their patterns don't truly lie. And if you meet a man or a woman even in their late 30s, early 40s, and never been a committed relationship, and you think everything's going well, and for some reason they ghost you or they're no longer in a committed, sometimes that's just their patterns. Maybe they struggle with commitment. Or if you find that these people in previous relationships were always unfaithful, or in previous relationships it never really went past three months, chances are people are their patterns. So just try and pay, doesn't mean you judge them completely, but pay attention to if they do fall off and they don't want to commit, it might not be personal. It might just be their pattern in previous relationships where they're just not used to settling down.

• 14:25Sadia Khan?

  They don't know how to, they don't have the skills and tools to, so they will find it difficult. Other people, because they've always been in four or five year long relationships, they only have the habits for long lasting relationships. So even when you've just started dating, they'll kind of treat you like a girlfriend and it can accelerate into a relationship a bit faster. So their previous patterns is something to pay attention to.

• 14:42Jay Shetty?

  And that second pattern can also be negative.

• 14:44Sadia Khan?

  Yeah.

• 14:45Jay Shetty?

  Because you could just get into a relationship too quickly with someone.

• 14:49Sadia Khan?

  Because they're just in those habits.

• 14:50Jay Shetty?

  Exactly.

• 14:50Sadia Khan?

  Yeah, they're not actually compatible. They're just in those habits. Particularly if they've just come out of a relationship, they might just be in the habit of calling everywhere, every day, arranging to see you on the weekends, doing all of those things which feels great. But if they're not actually healed, it will turn into love bombing because they're accelerating the residual feelings from their previous relationship onto you and it kind of accelerates the relationship faster than what the psychological compatibility is. So you might find yourself catapulted into a relationship by somebody who is just in that habit of doing that. And that can also be a problem.

• 15:18Jay Shetty?

  What are the top three things that people you guide and coach and follow you on social media come to you for and say their number one issue is?

• 15:25Sadia Khan?

  Oh, for men, they do suffer from a lot of infidelity. The women are cheating on the men.

• 15:30Jay Shetty?

  No.

• 15:31Sadia Khan?

  A lot more than I ever expected.

• 15:33Jay Shetty?

  Really? That's blowing my mind right now.

• 15:34Sadia Khan?

  My number one client is a man who's just been cheated on by a woman. And because there's not much talk about this on social media, and there's not much talk about this in general, we're almost programmed to think men cheat.

• 15:45Jay Shetty?

  Hundred percent.

• 15:46Sadia Khan?

  Yeah, it's rare that you'll find the idea of women cheating. And men don't actually talk to each other when they've been cheated on. They kind of keep it to themselves because they're almost embarrassed or ashamed. Whereas women, we can confide in each other a bit more. So my number one client tends to be the man that's been cheated on or the woman that can't get the man to commit. That tends to be the two feels I kind of have that seem to attract in terms of clients. But men getting cheated on or men not being masculine enough tends to be the common theme of my clients that keep coming back and back.

• 16:14Jay Shetty?

  Let's talk about both of those things because they're both fascinating. So let's start with men not being masculine enough. What does that mean? Because I think for a long time we were hearing men are not feminine enough.

• 16:27Sadia Khan?

  Yeah.

• 16:27Jay Shetty?

  Or men don't show their emotions, or men can't have emotional connection. That's the issue.

• 16:32Sadia Khan?

  Yeah.

• 16:33Jay Shetty?

  But you're actually saying it's the opposite.

• 16:34Sadia Khan?

  It's actually the opposite. And the genuine, because look, we're living in a time, particularly in a city like L.A., where men are almost divided into being too nice and not masculine enough, or toxic masculinity. There doesn't seem to be a middle ground. And men who have like masculinity, they have these three traits in common that I noticed. Firstly, they grew up without a male role model. So what may have happened is they grew up in a single parent home. And they saw their mom making all the decisions, doing all the hard work, doing the emotional and physical labor. And they think that's what women want. They think that's okay. So when they go into relationships, they think that woman wants to make all the decisions. She wants to do everything around the house. She wants to be in control. And really, they're looking for a man whose decision making they trust enough for them to finally be able to relax. But instead, they think that that's what women want.

• 17:19Sadia Khan?

  So when they get into relationships, they're not decisive, they're not problem solving. They allow her to take complete lead and they almost follow her too much. And at first, that might be fine. Women might find that a bit attractive, like, okay, perfect. He's very docile and passive, but later on, they find that man exhausting. Particularly when they have children, they can't rely on him to make any decisions because he's almost doesn't trust his own judgment and he doesn't have that protective or provider instinct. So she kind of has to end up doing a dual role. But the biggest thing I find with men that lack masculinities is they have a problem setting boundaries. And the effective way to set a boundary is to find the perfect balance between being stern and sensitive. What some men will be is too stern and they'll wanna set a boundary and they get abusive at the same time.

• 18:03Sadia Khan?

  They're like, you can't do this, you're so, and they go name call and they get too much, too stern. Other men are too sensitive, they get too soft with it. So they don't know how to set it, they allow any kind of behavior and then they kind of suppress what they're truly feeling. To get the right balance, you have to be stern with what you want from that person, but be really sensitive to her needs and understand what she wants and remind her how much you love her and you wanna save this relationship and that's why you're setting the boundary. So it might be something like if she's talking to an ex or something like that. He might be stern in saying, I don't feel comfortable that you're talking to an ex. But the sensitive part is because I love you and I really want this relationship to work and I really want us to have a healthy pattern, I don't want any outside interference. So getting that balance is something that guys that suffer with masculinity don't get right.

• 18:44Sadia Khan?

  And if they could just get that perfect balance of sternness and sensitivity, they'll be able to set boundaries a lot better.

• 18:49Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, you are right. I've seen the abusive for sure.

• 18:52Sadia Khan?

  Yeah.

• 18:53Jay Shetty?

  I've seen a lot of men who feel like they just want a submissive partner, who does what they want, when they want, and

• 19:01Sadia Khan?

  There's no, no love in there though.

• 19:02Jay Shetty?

  There's no love there.

• 19:03Sadia Khan?

  There's no actual love there, they're setting all these boundaries, but they're aggressive with it. They're not reminding her that they love her, they don't even show her that they love her, but they want her to obey him. That's no way to set a boundary. And other men are just too on the soft side and then she forgets what he actually truly wants because he's kind of people pleasing. So finding that balance is something that's become difficult.

• 19:22Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, it's so interesting you said that because I was thinking about, so my mom was the breadwinner in my house. And she did everything for me and my sister. And my dad was aloof, he was kind of checked out. And it's so interesting, you said the male role model piece, because two things happened for me. One thing was my male role models were monks.

• 19:41Sadia Khan?

  Mm hmm.

• 19:41Jay Shetty?

  Who were really good men.

• 19:43Sadia Khan?

  Oh.

• 19:43Jay Shetty?

  And then on the other side, I saw my mom's strain and struggle and pain. And that made me want to be a better man.

• 19:50Sadia Khan?

  Yeah.

• 19:50Jay Shetty?

  But that's because she was vulnerable with me about it.

• 19:53Sadia Khan?

  Yeah.

• 19:53Jay Shetty?

  So because I could see that my mom didn't have an easy life. I was convinced that when I got married, if I ever got married, that I would never let my wife work that hard.

• 20:02Sadia Khan?

  But that's a really common trait that the other type of man experiences. Some men, because they saw their mom really struggle, they just want to relieve their partner of all struggles. So the other way that they can go is that they want to save a lot of women. And what ends up happening is that they really want to make sure that she has no troubles and she lives a life of complete comfort. The problem is when you remove all struggle from anybody's life, they lose purpose.

• 20:26Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 20:26Sadia Khan?

  And they actually resent you for not allowing them to problem solve themselves. So some men in that position, what they'll end up doing, I'm not saying this was you, but generally sometimes those men, they want to protect their partner from any kind of pain and stress. And in the process of doing that, they can either become a bit people pleasing or just solve every problem that she could potentially have. Either or, she doesn't actually get to fulfill her own potential. And it can lead to resentment. So either way, unfortunately, the lack of male role model has a significant impact on how they behave with women.

• 20:56Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, I love that perspective and it's such a fine line. And I would argue that probably while I was dating, I was that kind of guy. It was only when I got married to Radi did I upgrade.

• 21:08Sadia Khan?

  Yeah.

• 21:08Jay Shetty?

  To actually realizing that I needed my partner to also pursue her purpose.

• 21:13Sadia Khan?

  Yeah.

• 21:13Jay Shetty?

  Discover what it was, understand it. And that took a while.

• 21:18Sadia Khan?

  Yeah, and did you find that, do you have that habit? Because a lot of men in that position, sometimes they'll choose women that are heavily, heavily traumatized. Or they choose women that have never had any work, no work. Or they might choose somebody who is just really struggling with some addictions. And they like that because then they're like, I can just show you and help you and help you recover. But the problem. Problem is, sometimes when those women do recover, they want a man with higher self-esteem. Somebody who wouldn't tolerate so much of that negative behavior. So they actually.

• 21:46Jay Shetty?

  Wow.

• 21:46Sadia Khan?

  Yeah, so sometimes I'll meet men who like, she had this addiction, she was an alcoholic, she was traumatized from sexual abuse. I helped her get through all of it, but when she's recovered, she's actually looking at him like, why did you tolerate all of that? Why did you select this? There must be something wrong with you. I actually want somebody who's got a higher selection process now. Sometimes they can lose that woman that they have, and women suffer from this as well. They think that if I just show him I'm consistent, caring and loving him, getting through the addictions. When he, when he finally recovers, he actually looks for somebody with higher self-esteem. And they end up, all of that investment can sometimes go to waste, so.

• 22:19Jay Shetty?

  Isn't that so heartbreaking?

• 22:20Sadia Khan?

  It is.

• 22:21Jay Shetty?

  Because that was love in its best form. If someone was patient.

• 22:25Sadia Khan?

  Yeah.

• 22:26Jay Shetty?

  While you healed and they supported you, like, aren't we moving away from love if we leave someone who is there for us in our darkest times?

• 22:34Sadia Khan?

  They are, but sometimes they don't know if you were there because you love them or you're seeking their approval.

• 22:39Jay Shetty?

  Right.

• 22:40Sadia Khan?

  And a lot of people, sometimes they are approval-seeking and mask that through helping. They will help that person financially, help that person with every single problem that they have. But there's an unconscious contract that the more I help you, the more you will love me in return. And sometimes we can see through it when it's not genuine. And when that person can see through that this was all done with a contract assigned to it, that one day you will then be loyal, loving and committed to me. They didn't agree to sign that contract. So when they're healed, they can become ungrateful to the person that helped them.

• 23:09Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, that makes so much sense.

• 23:10Sadia Khan?

  Yeah, so it just depends what the unconscious contract is when you're helping people.

• 23:14Jay Shetty?

  I love that unconscious contract. Yeah, you're so right that if you're doing it just to say, look, I was there for you.

• 23:19Sadia Khan?

  Yeah.

• 23:20Jay Shetty?

  I was there the whole time, you should love me more now. People sense that.

• 23:23Sadia Khan?

  People sense that.

• 23:24Jay Shetty?

  How do you communicate to someone that you're there for the right reasons?

• 23:27Sadia Khan?

  You have those boundaries. So how you communicate, because I suffer from that as well. I like to be super, super helpful because then I'm like, I'm, I'm so irreplaceable. If I do all of these things, I'm so irreplaceable.

• 23:37Jay Shetty?

  Right.

• 23:37Sadia Khan?

  But the, and I, there's unconscious ego attached to that. It's like, look how wonderful I am because I saw you through all your financial woes and all this stuff. But really, the best way to communicate that you're there for love and not for approval. Is that you still have deal breakers. Where people go wrong is that they are literally a doormat. There's nothing you can do that will make them ever leave. Whereas where you're still loving, but you're not approval seeking is there's a limit to how much you can take. And if there's not at least gratitude, respect, honour and loyalty, you will leave. Whereas if you have no deal breakers whatsoever and you're just consistently loving this person who is just taking from you, it signals low self-esteem to that person and it signals an incorrect attachment.

• 24:17Jay Shetty?

  You know what, I love talking to you because there's just everything you're talking about is like getting into the real like nuance. Like there's this grey layer of in-between of all these ideas. And that's really what makes all the difference. But first, here's a quick word from the brands that support the show. This episode is brought to you by Indeed. I know how important every hire is for a business. If you need to make the right hire, this is a job for sponsored jobs. Indeed sponsored jobs helps find quality candidates when you need the most. You can reach who you need based on whatever criteria you're looking for, like skills, certifications or location. In fact, people are finding quality hires on Indeed right now.

• 24:59Jay Shetty?

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• 25:40Jay Shetty?

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• 26:22Jay Shetty?

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• 27:06Jay Shetty?

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• 27:48Jay Shetty?

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• 28:12Jay Shetty?

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• 28:35Jay Shetty?

  All right, thank you to our sponsors. Now, let's dive back in. As I'm listening to you, the question that's coming to my mind is, we all seem to think we know why men cheat on women. Why do women cheat on men?

• 28:48Sadia Khan?

  I've gotten in a lot of trouble for saying this in the past and I'll say it again. Usually, in my experience of when women cheat on men, it's not so much that, you know, he's done something toxic. I've met women who are in toxic relationships and stayed loyal the whole time. It's simply when he lacks masculinity, they are most likely to cheat. I don't actually see women often cheating on a toxic man. They're actually quite loyal to him. They're more likely to cheat on the man that is too passive, too naive and too people pleasing. And the reason for that is because there's something about that man that is so soft, so naive, that makes her lose sexual attraction. Something about the fact that he can't spot red flags, something about the fact that he believes everything, he doesn't question anything, he's afraid to assert his boundaries,

• 29:33Sadia Khan?

  makes a woman crave somebody with a bit more masculinity. So, it's not so much that they're cheating on him because he's so bad to her, because I've met so many women saying, "He's a wonderful man, he treats me really, really well, I'm just not in love with him." And usually, the reason why she's not in love with him is because he's not protective enough. Some men will provide, but what we mean by protective is, she might be out all day with her ex-boyfriend and he won't get protective and say, "Hey babe, no, I don't feel comfortable." Or she might be doing, you know, disrespecting him or anything like that and he doesn't stand up for himself. And in those moments, when a man doesn't stand up for himself, she loses that respect and then she crosses new boundaries because mainly she believes he will stay regardless.

• 30:17Sadia Khan?

  And when we give our partners the belief that regardless of how you behave, I will forgive and maintain consistent, I'll love you regardless, we think we're showing them unconditional love, but what they'll end up doing is thinking that we are going to tolerate unconditional disrespect and they end up just pushing our boundaries more and more.

• 30:34Jay Shetty?

  So what does he do?

• 30:35Sadia Khan?

  So what he does is make sure he's aware of when he's being disrespected. And we naturally, human beings in general, and I think this is men and women, if you ever wanna prevent yourself from getting cheated on, it's not so much that you have to spot the red flags in the other person, sometimes you can become a person who never gets cheated on. No matter what relationship you go on, you can become immunized to it. And the way to become immunized to being cheated on is, number one, understanding your partner's true needs, understanding what they actually need in a relationship and asking yourself, can I commit to that? So some people will be in a relationship with somebody who's got a really high sex drive, they just can't meet that need. If you know you can't, at some point that relationship's gonna suffer. Or sometimes you might meet a partner who really needs financial support and you can't meet that need, at some point that relationship will break down. So understand your partner's true needs.

• 31:21Sadia Khan?

  The second thing is knowing that if they did cheat on you, you would leave. If you give the signals to your partner that you wouldn't leave, no matter what they do, and you don't meet the needs of each other, chances are that relationship will end in infidelity. But if you meet each other's needs and you have a rule, both of you have a particular rule, like if it did happen, I'm going to leave, there's no two ways about it, chances are your partner won't take that risk. They only take that risk when they believe unconsciously you're gonna accept their behavior regardless of what they do. And the signals of that come earlier on. So it might be early signals that you catch that they're still on Tinder, you forgive them, you go through their phone, you find that they're still talking to other people, you forgive them, you forgive the footsteps too many times. I'm not saying you become toxic and don't forgive anything, but you let them know that

• 32:03Sadia Khan?

  this behavior, it's not something I tolerate, you can do it, no problem, but I'm not gonna stick around for it. When they learn that you mean what you say, they'll naturally improve. But if they see that you make a big hoo-ha, you scream and shout, but you actually tolerate more and more disrespect, you give them the signal that you'll accept any behavior and they start taking more risks if it's the wrong person.

• 32:22Jay Shetty?

  What happens when someone is, not in an abusive way, but they are disrespecting you? You make them aware that they're disrespecting you in a assertive way, but they keep doing it. What do you do?

• 32:36Sadia Khan?

  When you can't change others, you have to change yourself. And the only thing you can do is withdraw and remove access. Unfortunately, that's the only way to teach people how to treat you correctly, is you remove the perks of being with you. And if they don't, if they, and some people are scared to do that because they worry, then I'll lose them. But you'll lose a person who's going to continuously get more disrespectful.

• 32:55Jay Shetty?

  We're so scared of being alone.

• 32:58Sadia Khan?

  Yeah.

• 32:59Jay Shetty?

  And we're so scared of not being with someone.

• 33:01Sadia Khan?

  Hmm.

• 33:02Jay Shetty?

  That I think we continue to accept that disrespect.

• 33:05Sadia Khan?

  I know, but sometimes it's more lonely staying with the wrong person. And this is why I think having a good social network is as important as having a good, healthy relationship. A healthy relationship without a social network will lead to codependency. But your social network is so, so important because what it does is, as the relationship starts to fall apart, that fear of walking away when you need to is lessened. But when you don't have a social network, as that relationship starts to fall apart, you will tolerate more and more abuse because you're just so afraid of being alone, which we all are. We all are, but having a good social network acts as a buffer for that.

• 33:40Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, I mean, when I'm, when I'm listening to you talk about the type of man that women want.

• 33:45Sadia Khan?

  Hmm.

• 33:46Jay Shetty?

  And the fact that if he's too much of a pushover, too sensitive, too much of a, you know, walkover.

• 33:51Sadia Khan?

  Yeah.

• 33:52Jay Shetty?

  They lose respect. They may cheat.

• 33:54Sadia Khan?

  They may cheat. And, and from my work, what I've noticed is women fall in love in three stages. And if any of those stages are missing, the relationship will either break down very quickly or it'll break down very slowly, but it will break down. And I call it the three A's and I have like a program on it. The first thing is women have to be truly attracted to their man in order for the relationship to actually turn into love at some stage. Uh, there has to be physical attraction. Because naturally that fades with time and, you know, with so much familiarity. If we don't have that to begin with, it can become very difficult to start a romantic relationship. This is why we have so many friends, so many male friends. Because if we're not truly attracted to him, even if he's wonderful, we can't start a romantic relationship. So I always say it starts with attraction. The second stage for a woman to truly fall in love with a man, she has to admire who she, he is.

• 34:39Sadia Khan?

  And what that means is with or without her influence, he's just a man that she admires. He's got a great job, he's got a good. Network of friends, he's he's got lots of self-control, he's not an addict and he's not addicted. He's got good level of self-control in terms of money, his body, his sexual behaviour, it's not all over the place. So she truly admires him. And then once she's attracted and admires him, then she needs adoration from him. He needs to show her adore her, reassure her, all of those things. If she gets all three of those, chances are our relationship won't break down. But if any of those are missing, maybe he adores her, absolutely adores her, but she's not truly attracted to him. At some stage, the relationship will break down because that adoration will feel like neediness. Or let's say, for example, she's truly attracted to him and he's giving her lots of reassurance, but he's not an admirable man.

• 35:23Sadia Khan?

  There's he's not working, he's not achieving, he's not doing a lot. Even though she might love him and it might be a slow breakdown, but at some stage she'll need someone she can admire, particularly when she has children. So without those three ingredients, I don't think women realise this, but if any of those are missing, they will at some stage lose interest.

• 35:39Jay Shetty?

  That's a great three-step formula. And I think so much of the time we get so hooked on the attraction part.

• 35:47Sadia Khan?

  Yes, yeah.

• 35:48Jay Shetty?

  That we overvalue it compared to the other two. So if he's not six foot four and he's not got, you know, a particular coloured hair or whatever it is, right? Like the the physical appearance

• 36:00Sadia Khan?

  Yeah.

• 36:01Jay Shetty?

  becomes so much more overvalued than the other two.

• 36:04Sadia Khan?

  Yeah.

• 36:04Jay Shetty?

  Or the admiration piece becomes so overvalued. So if he's not making enough money, he's not. How do you kind of look at them as, are they equal, are they overvalued?

• 36:14Sadia Khan?

  They're actually equal, they're actually equal. If you have lots of physical attraction, you admire him lots. But he's not showing you any admiration that will literally turn into a toxic relationship. You'll be begging for hugs and kisses and he won't give it to you. You'll be begging for him to give you compliments, he won't give it to you, but you won't, you'll be stuck because you're like, I know he's a good man. So many women come to me and say, I know he's a good man, he's got a great job, he's such a good, he's so good at his work, all his friends love him. She admires him and she's attracted him, but he doesn't adore her. She suffers a lot, he will start rejecting her sexually, doesn't remind her she's beautiful, she feels so invisible around him. But she's stuck because she's like, on paper, he's a great man. So she's she's got two of those ingredients. Other times, and this is where the nice guy suffers.

• 36:57Sadia Khan?

  She's got so much adoration, so much reassurance. He loves her, he adores her. He's a good man, but she's just not attracted to him and she's pushing herself to really love him. But she just simply can't find the physical attraction. And then she kind of thinks, gaslights herself, even be like, am I an evil person? How can I not love him? It's, there's nothing wrong with you. It's just the three ingredients. If they're not there, and I know it sounds like we're being super fussy, but it doesn't have to be super fussy. My husband's no oil painting. It's not that. It's just the fact that I am attracted. It's as simple as that. And it doesn't mean he's cured cancer. I just admire the person he is. That's all it is. He doesn't have to be extreme. It's just that the, I've got attraction and admiration and the adoration. You just need your level of that. Missing those ingredients is either a quick end,

• 37:41Sadia Khan?

  because it will be toxic, he's just not giving you the love you need, or it'll be a slow one, because you're not getting, you're not truly attracted. But either way, it will break down.

• 37:48Jay Shetty?

  I think the key part of that is though, what you just said in regards to your own husband, is it's about how you feel.

• 37:54Sadia Khan?

  That's all.

• 37:54Jay Shetty?

  And I think the challenge, going back to what we were talking about earlier, is so many of our expectations of our partner are based on like, do my friends like them? Do they have a good, you know, online presence? Are they like, successful at their job compared to? And it's like, you can only look at it through your angle.

• 38:12Sadia Khan?

  Your own lens.

• 38:13Jay Shetty?

  Because you could compare forever and you're, no matter who, how successful your partner is, they'd always be second to someone else out there in the world.

• 38:20Sadia Khan?

  Especially in this day and age, it always like, not everybody's gonna have a husband that is great at writing poems and singing songs about them. But he still adores you in his way and that works for you. You don't know. And you know, sometimes some girls will be like, oh my God, you go fifty fifty with your husband? I could, I could never. But if that works in your marriage and you're both doing the best you can, that's perfect. Like, it's totally fine. You don't have to compare yourself to the standards that have been hijacked by TikTok memes. Just as long as it works for you, no problem. But if you miss those ingredients, unfortunately, at some stage, you'll realise that the relationship is not quite working. And it doesn't mean you become extra fussy. It just means you pay attention to this and you figure out which of those is missing and try and work on that. Maybe the, uh, the adoration is missing. Try and work on that. Maybe the attraction is missing. There's nothing wrong with telling your partner, babe, I would love it if we start working out together. There's nothing wrong with doing that.

• 39:05Sadia Khan?

  But if we miss those things and then we ignore the resolution, unfortunately, our relationships will suffer.

• 39:10Jay Shetty?

  I think that's my favourite checklist I've ever had.

• 39:13Sadia Khan?

  It's just, it's simple, but it works.

• 39:15Jay Shetty?

  No, no, no, but it, it's simple, but. It's it's really powerful.

• 39:19Sadia Khan?

  Mm hmm.

• 39:20Jay Shetty?

  Because it's not just a random checklist. It's things you could actually observe in how you feel. And you're right, it's all three.

• 39:28Sadia Khan?

  It's just all three.

• 39:28Jay Shetty?

  Because often the admiration piece just overclouds the other stuff.

• 39:32Sadia Khan?

  Hmm.

• 39:33Jay Shetty?

  And I always say to someone, you're not marrying someone's resume.

• 39:35Sadia Khan?

  Yeah.

• 39:35Jay Shetty?

  You're not dating someone's bank balance.

• 39:37Sadia Khan?

  And and I, because I live in Dubai, I see this a lot. They'll meet a CEO, he's an entrepreneur and he pays all the bills and he's fantastic. He really is fantastic at that. But either she's not attracted to him or he's too busy to give her any adoration. At some stage, you'll crave it. If we could just do one and just live a relationship on one, I would tell women to just focus on one. Some men are better at doing one. They're just physically attracted and they're kind of happy with that. But it's an empty lie. But I think for women, we really crave all three of them. Outside of that, honestly, it doesn't matter. If he buys you flowers every day, if he writes you poems, if he makes TikToks with you, they really don't matter. Just have those three, you'll be fine, God willing.

• 40:12Jay Shetty?

  So those are the three A's for women.

• 40:13Sadia Khan?

  Yeah.

• 40:14Jay Shetty?

  What about for men?

• 40:15Sadia Khan?

  It's the three L's, I call it for men. The first one is they do need some lust. I know it sounds really shallow, but if they're not sexually attracted to you, no matter how wonderful you are, no matter what the relationship is like, especially in this day and age where they're saturated with porn, they will shift their attention elsewhere. So there has to be some level of lust. And what I mean by lust is they're attracted to you, but there's sexual connection between them. There's synergy in that area. The second thing, and I think men don't realize this, is that we actually need, they need some labor invested in their partner. And what I mean by that is emotional and financial labor invested in their partner. Some men will think, oh, she's she's successful, she doesn't need any financial investment or she doesn't need any emotional, she's strong. They just need it. The moment they invest in a woman, they're more likely to see that relationship go through.

• 41:00Sadia Khan?

  If he's not taking her anywhere, not doing anything for her, if the relationship ends, he's not bothered. But if he's invested in her, he's taken on places, he's bought a few things, he's done, he's invested emotionally and financially to her, he's more likely to want to see that relationship work out. And the final thing is the loyalty. If they don't become loyal and the woman, and there's no loyalty in that relationship and they've got their options open, they're not truly in love. They need those three things in order for them to truly be in love. They need to firstly lust, have some lust, put some labor into that relationship. And then they need to be loyal. If they say that I'm in love with you, but I'm not loyal, truly they're missing something.

• 41:34Jay Shetty?

  And they need to feel loyal.

• 41:35Sadia Khan?

  They need, they need it reciprocated. If you're not loyal to them and they still love you, that's actually, they're stuck in the lust stage. They need reciprocated loyalty in order for it to be truly a healthy relationship. And then they're fine after that. We don't care about them, they'll be fine.

• 41:51Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, no, no, it makes a lot of sense. I'm thinking about just, I feel like you've totally reframed what people should be looking for.

• 42:00Sadia Khan?

  Can I ask you though, because I might be wrong, for a man's perspective, is that correct or not really? Is there something that you would say that you need a little bit more or less of?

• 42:09Jay Shetty?

  Let me think on that, it's a great question.

• 42:10Sadia Khan?

  Because what I'm trying to say is that, because sometimes I meet men and they meet a wonderful woman. They've put a lot of energy, invested a lot into her, they're very loyal to each other, but because there's no attraction left, they turn to pornography too much. And that is a very slippery slope. And that's why a little bit, they need some lust in there first and foremost, before those other properties can be valued in a woman.

• 42:34Jay Shetty?

  Well, I mean, it goes back to what we were saying earlier, you told us why women cheat.

• 42:37Sadia Khan?

  Yeah.

• 42:38Jay Shetty?

  This is why men cheat.

• 42:39Sadia Khan?

  Yeah, unfortunately, it's a big factor. And I, you know, I know we like to think that people cheat simply because they're narcissists and simply because they're like that. There are some men that come that way. There are some men that genuinely, no matter who they're with, no matter what the relationship is, they're too broken to be faithful, they feel uncomfortable being faithful, they're gonna cheat on everyone. But a lot of the time, they are deprived of intimacy. Yeah, either because they just didn't choose a woman that was attracted to them to begin with, or they ruin the intimacy by inviting too much pornography or alternatives into the relationship. And now they've got no intimacy left with their partner. But when they do lose the intimacy, they lose the motivation to be loyal. They think, they're more likely to be loyal to a woman that gives them good intimacy than a woman that gives them a good life.

• 43:22Sadia Khan?

  Because they think why, their motivation to be loyal decreases as their sexual intimacy dies in their relationship. So they're more likely to be open to it. So I always tell people, try and guard your marriage by embedding the intimacy in it as regularly as you can.

• 43:35Jay Shetty?

  No, I think you've hit the core root things that people are looking for and how they show up is always different.

• 43:41Sadia Khan?

  Yes.

• 43:42Jay Shetty?

  And I think that's why, I was saying earlier, it feels like you've hit the core and the root of what's needed.

• 43:47Sadia Khan?

  Trying to.

• 43:48Jay Shetty?

  I don't think you've missed anything, I'm just sitting with it. But I think anything that I would say are only things that are part of those.

• 43:56Sadia Khan?

  Part of those, yeah.

• 43:57Jay Shetty?

  Like, for example, you know, the loyalty piece includes respect.

• 44:01Sadia Khan?

  Yeah.

• 44:01Jay Shetty?

  Like, both people are looking for respect. I think that the... Loyalty please includes like they believe in your goals and you believe in theirs. Like there's, there's root causes.

• 44:12Sadia Khan?

  And I think sometimes as women, we can remove the labour part, hoping that he will think that we're so low maintenance. He won't put any investment in us, we'll be so easy. We become the hookup girl. So what I mean by that is if we remove his ability to put labour into us, we don't say to him like, let's go on dates. We don't say like, when are we getting married? There's no emotion. We don't burden him with any problems. And we think, no, no, well, let's just be cool. We think that being cool will eventually he will lead to us commitment and he'll become loyal to us. Actually, he has to put the labour in, in order for us to see, see as something worth being loyal to. So if we deprive them of that, we actually are enhancing the chances of us just being a hookup, short term fling.

• 44:49Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, that's how you avoid being the fling.

• 44:50Sadia Khan?

  Avoid being the fling is making it so easy for them. And I know it's so tempting because sometimes you're thinking, he's such a lovely guy, really attracted to him. And if I insist on a few dates or if I insist on like maybe going away together, maybe I'll lose him. But you'll only lose people who are not willing to invest in you anyway. So unfortunately, being too easy, it can work. I'm not saying it never works. But at the same time, it doesn't motivate them in any way, shape or form to actually make this serious because they've got it so easy.

• 45:16Jay Shetty?

  What's the difference between the woman a man dates and the woman a man marries?

• 45:20Sadia Khan?

  I would say the key difference is the element of stability and responsibility. And what I mean by that is being with a man who is super social, who's a big drinker and has got all these friends and busy all day, every day. And got this amazing life is great for dates. You get to go on great vacations with them. You get to go to nice restaurants and so on and so forth. But when we get, when it comes to getting married, if you don't look for a man with a lot of self-control, you will really suffer. And what I mean by this is that he needs to have self-control in terms of his sexual discipline. He needs self-control in terms of what he puts into his body, even the food he eats, everything. And he needs self-control when it comes to his money. If in those areas, he's got no self-control for dating, no problem. It doesn't matter. Yeah, he can be sexually wild. He can spend all his money, no problem. You can enjoy a great life.

• 46:04Sadia Khan?

  When you marry a man like that, every day is anxiety. Every single day is anxiety because his lack of self-control will lead to a lack of self-respect. And as a result, he'll have such low self-esteem that you can't trust him to make decisions. But men with lots of self-control, you can trust that they make great decisions. You can trust their judgment and you can finally start a family or start your goals. But you can't do that with men who have got no self-control.

• 46:26Jay Shetty?

  Do you know what the amazing thing is that I, as I was listening to you, I was thinking about like, men don't learn that anywhere.

• 46:31Sadia Khan?

  No, they don't.

• 46:32Jay Shetty?

  It's so hard. Like, if I never lived as a mom, I wouldn't have any sense of.

• 46:35Sadia Khan?

  What was your biggest lesson in living with mom?

• 46:37Jay Shetty?

  I mean, a big part of it is sense control. Like, you don't, you don't, you eat what you're given. You're celibate while you're there. There's complete focus and determination on the path. And so there were so many amazing mental mastery tools that I gained in terms of discipline.

• 46:55Sadia Khan?

  Yeah.

• 46:56Jay Shetty?

  And organization that I don't know where else I would have learned them.

• 46:59Sadia Khan?

  Can you excel as a man without self-control, do you think?

• 47:02Jay Shetty?

  I don't think so.

• 47:02Sadia Khan?

  It's an impossibility, isn't it?

• 47:04Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, no, that's why I love what you're saying. I just feel bad because I can't think of.

• 47:08Sadia Khan?

  It's the opposite that actually, we're told, men are being told that be with as many women as you can. Be have zero sexual discipline. And, you know, you, you can kind of eat whatever and there's always a zempick, so don't worry about it or this. We're actually being told to reduce our, like, our self-control and replace it with hedonism. Follow your impulses and you only live once, just do it. That kind of mentality, when it comes to drinking, when it comes to food, when it comes to money, just spend, spend, spend all these things. Unfortunately, we're pushing men into a slow and steady depression because we're reducing the importance of self-control and replacing it with self-indulgence. And that is a slow suicide for a man. He will only start to respect himself when he can control himself. And, and only when he can control himself, he can then excel.

• 47:52Sadia Khan?

  And if you pick a man who can't control himself, you'll spend the rest of your life trying to control him and it will bring out the worst side of you. You'll become a mother, you'll become a mother to a child you'd never wanted to adopt.

• 48:03Jay Shetty?

  Wow, that mic drop.

• 48:06Jay Shetty?

  No, that's so powerful. It's, uh, as I'm listening to you, I'm just sitting here thinking how much there is a need in helping men realize that mental mastery, sense control, discipline are what's gonna find the right person. But I think the problem is, men also believe that if they're the life of the party, if they're the big spender, if they're the big guy at the party, that's what's gonna attract the right person.

• 48:33Sadia Khan?

  It will attract a chaotic person. There are women, lots of women that were like that. There are lots and lots of women that were like that. You're a big spender, you're spending on bottles, you're going drinking all night, and you're the life and soul of the party, but it will attract women who want a fast life, don't probably don't wanna invest in you. They're probably not gonna be there when you're suffering and you're on a downward spiral. My, my reason I'm so strict on men when it comes to self-discipline and sexual discipline in particular is we live in a time where men don't really get a say in, when a baby is born, it's not really up to them if that child stays on. Women have the right, I, I don't know what it's like in America, but usually we get to control if we wanna keep the baby or don't wanna keep the baby. And as a result, we get some autonomy. If we, if it's the wrong man, perfect, we don't have to suffer the consequences.

• 49:14Sadia Khan?

  But with men, if you get the wrong person and you don't have a good relationship, and then you bring children into that mix, you create a generation of broken children, and you are more responsible for that, yeah? Because you have to be more careful than women do, because we still have autonomy. We can get rid of a child if we need to. You can't really have that much say in it. So you have to be so disciplined with who you are laying down with. And if you're ruining, I know men who've ruined their families just because they couldn't control themselves sexually, or just because they couldn't have that right conversation with their wife and say, look, I'm missing the intimacy, maybe we should just part. Instead, they just light a flame into their own home and then suffer the consequences. So sexual discipline is a really, really important one for men, followed by financial discipline. And then, of course, in terms of your food and your health and stuff like that, I think is really important.

• 49:56Jay Shetty?

  What's your take on uh women sleeping with men too early?

• 49:59Sadia Khan?

  I think it's really difficult for women because a lot of women do wanna preserve themselves. They don't wanna jump into sleeping with men so early. But what they're finding in this day and age is if they don't lead with that, the men don't even wanna know them anymore. Men have no longer wanted to invest in getting to know them psychologically or anything like that. So they're almost stuck between, am I just gonna stay lonely forever? Or do I end up just sleeping with men who I'm not even that keen on, but I have to stay in the game? So they are really stuck. But what I would say is try not to accelerate your physical intimacy above the psychological intimacy. You can sleep within that same day, but if you've really had strongest psychological intimacy, you know where you two are going, you are in a good place with each other, do whatever you want. But if you don't have that, all the sex will do is enhance your own insecurities,

• 50:43Sadia Khan?

  enhance your own anxieties about the relationship. And then it will leave you dampened into the dating market when you go back into it and negativity with a new man and a new man. So it just lowers your own self-esteem. So try and accelerate the psychological intimacy first.

• 50:56Jay Shetty?

  How would you define psychological intimacy versus like we're just excited by being together?

• 51:01Sadia Khan?

  Chemistry, yeah, it's difficult. Chemistry is how much you're enjoying the person's company. You can have great chemistry with everybody. Um psychological intimacy is how much you're similar in your goals and values. So how similar, I can enjoy the company of somebody really easily, no, it's not a problem. But you might realize that they're still, you know, they're still partying a lot. Maybe they're still on drugs, maybe they're doing that. But psychological intimacy is, do we have the same vision of where we see ourselves in five, six, 10 years' time? And are we both aligned in the values that will take us there? And if we've got an alignment, you're probably quite intimate. If you haven't got an alignment, you can enjoy them, but chances are it won't be a long-lasting relationship.

• 51:38Jay Shetty?

  Before we dive into the next moment, let's hear from our This episode is brought to you by Amtrak. You know that feeling when you're already tired and you haven't even gotten there yet? That's where Amtrak comes in. Leave the driving behind and settle into a comfortable seat with plenty of room to stretch out. Catch up on work with wifi, grab a snack at the cafe car, or just sit back and enjoy your favorite podcast. Choose a cellar or northeast regional and get there without the stress of getting there. Visit amtrak.com to plan your next trip.

• 52:12Jay Shetty?

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• 52:56Jay Shetty?

  If you're talking about quality food, you can't forget Whole Foods Market, who've been holding themselves to the highest standards since they opened in 1980. That means you'll see thousands of organic products across their stores, from the produce department to the aisles. It also means you'll never see certain ingredients. They've banned artificial sweeteners and colors, high fructose corn syrup and more, so you can shop with peace of mind. Shop Whole Foods Market in-store or online. Sponsors. And now, let's get back to the episode. I like the idea that physical intimacy should follow the pace of psychological intimacy. Because then there's actual closeness.

• 53:39Jay Shetty?

  And you're not using physical closeness as a substitute for actually having a deeper, meaningful connection.

• 53:45Sadia Khan?

  And a lot of people do that. Sometimes they've got with somebody, they're so physically intimate, and then they're discovering things that they have nothing in common with each other. But because they've now slept together, they're kind of prolonging this relationship longer than it needs to. It's almost like dragging a dead horse. So if they can accelerate, and I know it's difficult, because it's hard competing with men that push for it, or living in a world where men will ask for pictures straight away and stuff like that. So it's hard for the woman that is... And I always say this, it's really difficult for the woman with good intentions to find a man in this day and age. The woman that's not prepared to lead sexually and lead with that, she finds herself being overlooked by the women that are. And so, and a bit like some men, then maybe they don't want to lead with finances, but they find themselves being overlooked. So the people who are actually going into relationships with the correct intentions

• 54:30Sadia Khan?

  are finding it the most difficult.

• 54:32Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, it's hard, isn't it?

• 54:33Sadia Khan?

  It's so hard for them, bless them.

• 54:35Jay Shetty?

  You shouldn't lower your standards.

• 54:37Sadia Khan?

  You shouldn't, but I can see why people do. I don't wanna be judgmental because I can completely understand. I don't know what it's like to be single in this day and age. And I can imagine at some point, you're just like, if I keep having these high standards, I'm never gonna meet somebody. What I would say is keep your intrinsic standards high and your extrinsic ones low. And what I mean by that is keep your standards of how you like to be treated emotionally really high. Do you like texts back? Do you like labels? Do you like regular dates? Keep that high. Or regular time together, doesn't even have to be dates. Keep that high, but keep your extrinsic values like, does he take me on holidays? Is he gonna buy me this? Has he got, he sent me flowers? Keep those low, they're not relevant in the long run.

• 55:12Jay Shetty?

  Everything you're saying is, in my opinion, is spot on. It's such great advice and I really hope everyone who's listening is taking notes. Because there's so much that you're sharing that I think you're so clear in your approach. I think it's really practical. I think it will connect. But I've heard you say before that if someone cheats on you, it's partly your fault.

• 55:33Sadia Khan?

  I do say that.

• 55:34Jay Shetty?

  And I wanted to hear your take on that to understand that.

• 55:37Sadia Khan?

  Yeah, I know that sounds terrible. And I say this particularly with, you know, men especially. I'm like, it's always your own fault. And the reason I say that is most cheaters come with smoking guns on the first date. There's always some signal that their behavior was not transparent. And whenever you catch them cheating, usually it's they say, I always knew. Because from day one, they were like this. It was, and I always say, people usually don't lie. They might say lies, but they show you their red flags pretty much from day one. And it might have been that they were in a relationship when you met them. Or it might have been that you caught them in a few lies when you first got with them. You would have caught some signs that this person is capable of deeper lies. And when we, I'm not saying you should always look for the bad.

• 56:17Sadia Khan?

  But when we keep ignoring poor behavior, what ends up happening is we are becoming distant from the truth. We are going into denial. I actually don't have a problem, even if your partner is cheating, no problem. You have to have radical, radical relationship with the truth. And there are some women out there that are mistresses. They're so happy in that role because they know the truth. They know that he goes there, spends time with his wife, I'll see him when I see him. Truth is really important. So the more you align yourself with truth, the more you won't actually get blindsided. But when you start missing red flags again and again, you haven't been intimate in months. Nobody, somebody's not coming home on time, nothing's adding up. And you keep making excuses. Unfortunately, we create the environment for these types of people to flourish. It's almost better that you protect your own home and protect your own sanity.

• 57:02Sadia Khan?

  Doesn't mean you become accusatory, but you know that your treatment is not what you appreciate. And if they continue like that, they don't have to cheat. The behavior is enough for you to start setting a boundary and the behaviors. You don't need, because some cheaters will say, well, you can't prove anything. Cheaters will always want you to catch them red handed. You, as the person, should say, I don't need red handed evidence. I can see your behavior is not treating me rightly. Stop them there before they get to the point where they're disrespecting you more and more.

• 57:26Jay Shetty?

  That's where the gaslighting comes in.

• 57:28Sadia Khan?

  Yeah, that's where the gaslighting is.

• 57:30Jay Shetty?

  People get gaslit.

• 57:31Sadia Khan?

  They do get gaslighted really heavily. And this is even as a psychologist and you know, as a therapist. And this is where I have to be a lot more empathetic because I've had clients there that were like, she keeps accusing me. And they're so convincing that I'm like, you need to stop accusing him. And then she'll say to me afterwards, I found out he was having an affair the whole time. So the gaslighting is very, very real, but the feeling they give you is always true. So they'll lie to you, their words, their lips will be there, but your feeling, that gut instinct, that something's not right or they're lying to you. Try and pay attention to that. And even if you never get evidence, that feeling is partly your partner's responsibility to help soothe those anxieties, not make them worse. So if you have that feeling and they're just like, whatever you need to make you feel better, no problem. I've got nothing to hide.

• 58:15Sadia Khan?

  But if they get less and less transparent, try and pay attention to that.

• 58:18Jay Shetty?

  What I'm hearing from you is if you pay attention to the signs that you're seeing, you don't let yourself be in a position where you're taken advantage of.

• 58:27Sadia Khan?

  That's what I'm saying. I'm saying know your partner better than they know themselves. So the moment they start changing, you spot it quicker than they can. And I'm sure you have this with Radhi, where you probably know her so, so well. It would be difficult for her to have a double life without you. You know her behaviors, the way she moves, how she talks, how she kisses you, everything. You pay close attention. When you pay so much attention to your partner, it's quite difficult for them to live a whole double life without you catching on. So try and stay attuned as much as you can.

• 58:53Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, every relationship has a rhythm, it has a pattern. And when the pattern's off, you check in. I think one of the things I see in relationships struggling, especially as they get longer term, is we don't recommit. So life changes, right? Me and Radhi had a dating life. When we got married, we had to recommit to a different way of living. When we got married, then we lived in New York. We had to recommit to a different way of living. We moved to LA, different way of living. It's almost like I've dated so many different people in Radhi.

• 59:21Sadia Khan?

  Yeah.

• 59:22Jay Shetty?

  As in, she's evolved, she's changed, and same back at me probably to some degree. But I think we don't like it when our partner changes.

• 59:29Sadia Khan?

  Yeah.

• 59:29Jay Shetty?

  And we almost want them to stay the same, or I've heard maybe you say before that we almost want our, the guy wants the woman to never change.

• 59:38Sadia Khan?

  Yeah.

• 59:39Jay Shetty?

  And the woman wants the man to change.

• 59:41Sadia Khan?

  Yeah, that's the problem. One thing I say is that some men are committed to their marriage. And what that means is they're committed to that woman. As she changes, as they changes, they commit to each other. They're loyal to the person that they married, and they will stay loyal forever. Some men are just loyal to the woman they fell in love with. As long as she stays exactly like the person they met, they'll stay loyal. When she starts to change, they'll get more and more disloyal because they don't accept change. You just have to decide what type of person are you are. Are you deciding to commit to the marriage? And actually, what that means is following them through their evolution, getting to know them at every stage, and staying loyal throughout it. But if you're somebody who's just committing to the person you fell in love with, the moment that person starts to change, which they inevitably will, your eyes will start to wander. So it might be good to have that conversation with each other.

• 1:00:26Sadia Khan?

  Which one are we? And can we try and shift to being loyal to the marriage rather than just each other? So that we can help each other evolve and remain consistent while we do change.

• 1:00:35Jay Shetty?

  What can a woman do to make sure a man doesn't cheat on her?

• 1:00:38Sadia Khan?

  Have a willingness to walk away when she's being disrespected. That's all it really takes. When men know that you will always be there for them, you're there ride or die. You accept any kind of disrespect. They've been abusive, you accept it. They've been coming home late, you accept it. They are talking to other people, you accept it. And you always make excuses for them. I know you love him, and I know your love is unconditional, but respect shouldn't be unconditional. Yeah, you shouldn't be treated disrespectfully regardless of that behaviour. And when, and I know human behaviour, we should appreciate the person that is loyal to us. We should appreciate the person who loves us regardless. We just don't. Unfortunately, we just don't. So when they see that your love is totally unconditional, they will start abusing that love that you have for them. But when they learn that you love them, you're very loyal to them, you care about them,

• 1:01:23Sadia Khan?

  but that doesn't give them a licence to abuse you or hurt you, then they are more likely to Stay in line. So I think the thing that prevents them from truly cheating is knowing that you have a willingness to walk away and you don't tolerate this level of disrespect. They start to show you a bit more respect. And I've noticed so many men who have cheated on their wives and they felt no guilt, zero guilt. The moment she filed for divorce, they were beside themselves. So for the year that they were cheating, they were having the time of their life. The day she filed for divorce, they're beside themselves crying hysterically because at some point, unconscious level, they thought she would never actually do that. The day she did that is when the realization all sunk in. So when the person knows that you're not too afraid to take that route, they're more likely to be respectful.

• 1:02:04Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, and it's not threatening people with it. It's actually doing it for real, just once. Because I find like, like me and Ravi made a rule early in our relationship that we would never throw around the word divorce. We'd never throw around the word breakup. We'd never throw around any of these words that if you were to say it, you'd have to actually back it up and you'd actually have to be there. Because I didn't want to be in a relationship where these things were used as levers.

• 1:02:27Sadia Khan?

  Yeah.

• 1:02:28Jay Shetty?

  Or used as kind of ammunition to get a reaction out of someone.

• 1:02:32Sadia Khan?

  It's only used when you actually, God forbid, need it. But I always say that one of my vows that I recommend to my clients, I know it sounds negative, is we can sit there and say, I'm gonna love you forever. I'm gonna be loyal forever. Probably the more realistic vow to say to each other, not even just marriages as a couple, is if and when my feelings start to change, I will communicate it with you. And that way we can work on the relationship. Where people go wrong is as and when their feelings change, they don't, they avoid communication and they outsource their happiness from somewhere else. Or they numb their pain through a coping mechanism. The better vow to take is if and when my feelings ever change, instead of hurting you and disrespect you, I will come straight to you and we can try and fix it. And if we can't fix it, we will separate on respectful terms. But doing things that cause permanent damage is just not acceptable.

• 1:03:16Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, it's, it's a. It's such a fine line. Because, yeah, we sometimes like to, in an argument, in the heat of it, you'll pretend to say it. And that person knows. That person still knows that you don't mean it.

• 1:03:28Sadia Khan?

  Yeah.

• 1:03:29Jay Shetty?

  You're just making it up to get a reaction. And it doesn't have any value.

• 1:03:32Sadia Khan?

  It's more of a cry for help. And we've all done it. We've all done it. But it's a seriousness of like, if you go too, I'm not saying have that divorce word ever, but have deal breakers. What I mean by deal breakers is it's one or two things that if this happened in my relationship, there's just no negotiation. It might be hitting, it might be cheating, it's there's a deal breaker. If we sense that our partner has no deal breakers, they're more likely to attract narcissistic partners. They're more likely to attract abusers. They're more likely to attract takers. But if you come with a clear deal breakers, people can sense that confidence in you. And usually you don't attract people who are going to do your deal breakers anyway.

• 1:04:10Jay Shetty?

  If a man cheats on a woman, can they recover?

• 1:04:13Sadia Khan?

  I think it depends on the reason. I still think it's difficult. The reason I say it's difficult is that it becomes a point of contention pretty much permanently. I would say you can only forgive a person if the cause of the cheating is somewhat understandable. So I famously said like, look, if a woman cheats on a man, you can never forgive her. She's going to cheat on you forever. And she's just using you for free accommodation. And I used to, and I do stand by that. Usually when a woman cheats on a man, there's usually very little recovery. But then I would have clients and the woman would say to me, he deprived me of sex for six years. Four years, he wasn't sleeping with you. I didn't know what to do. As a one, I had, I was so lost, I didn't know, and my culture, we don't get divorced. I didn't know what to do. In those circumstances, it's like, did they really cheat?

• 1:04:58Sadia Khan?

  Or did you push them to that point? Are they actually an inherent cheat? Or did the circumstances of that relationship bring out the worst in them? I think if they're an inherent cheat and they do it from day one, they did it even while you're good to them, even while you're consistent and caring, all of these things. I don't think there's any point recovering that relationship. But if it was something that happened in the relationship that brought out the worst in them, and you can repair what happened in that relationship, then perhaps you can give it a chance. Particularly if you've deprived each other of intimacy. Because that's usually the main cause. If you've deprived each other of intimacy, it's almost a bit unfair to expect your partner to be loyal for five, six, seven years if you've never given them any intimacy and they're still a human, they've got needs. So I can understand in those circumstances that they might do things that are out of character.

• 1:05:37Jay Shetty?

  It's always hard because when people look at it from their own perspective, they're always like, but I was loving to you the whole time, right? That's generally our reaction. It's almost like, but I was good to you.

• 1:05:47Sadia Khan?

  Yeah.

• 1:05:47Jay Shetty?

  And the other person's like, well, I didn't see it that way.

• 1:05:49Sadia Khan?

  Well, you might have been good to me, but the needs weren't met. Yeah. So you might be, and I know couples have never fought, no fights or nothing. But they just didn't have any intimacy for years. Or there might have been a couple that actually don't fight, no issues in that time. But there might be some emotional needs that they just weren't kissing or hugging or saying nice things to each other. So it's the needs rather than just the surface of the relationship that matters more.

• 1:06:08Jay Shetty?

  Yeah. What have you seen when you're, as you said, we started with this idea that men who've been cheated on by women. What have you seen the success rates of healing, growth for that individual, even if they don't stay with the same person?

• 1:06:24Sadia Khan?

  I find that men that get cheated on once tend to get cheated on in every relationship. And I know that sounds terrible, but there's something about them getting cheated on in one relationship, they tend to get it a lot. And, and the reason why is because firstly, there's something broken in their selection. They're selecting women that need a lot of repair and have a lot of trauma and have a lot of issues. So they're selecting women who aren't truly attracted to them, but they're super attracted to that partner. And they're trying to be useful to get that woman's attachment. The second thing is when they do meet a woman that has a few red flags, they are so, so passive with those red flags. They don't have the ability to set boundaries. They don't know when to say no. They, they feel like they're being toxic if they have any kind of needs or wants.

• 1:07:07Sadia Khan?

  So they just become too placid. And in those cases, what ends up happening is they attract women with a lot of red flags. Because they don't have the strength to stand up for women that do. So what ends up happening is they tend to be in a cycle of attracting that, unfortunately. So they're usually selecting women with a lot of trauma and a lot of issues and a lot of unhealed like behavior. And then when they see that unhealed behavior, they don't know how to set that boundary. And they usually forgive cheating. I think one thing that is underspoken about is men forgive for female cheating far more than we realize. I would say majority of men forgive it, but they just don't talk about it. The problem is the more you forgive it, there's something about women that do lose a bit of respect when a man is super forgiving.

• 1:07:48Sadia Khan?

  I know that sounds terrible. It's not that we want someone toxic, but we want somebody that has some boundaries. And when we learn that he has zero, she might at first be really grateful. Yeah, she at first she might thank you for forgiving me, whatever it is. But later on, what he hasn't understood is for her to actually cheat on yours, something's missing in those three A's. They haven't been addressed. Yeah, either the attraction admiration or the adoration, something's been missing. And usually when you forgive too many misdemeanors, the admiration for the man starts to go down. And therefore, there's an inevitable end. I could be wrong. But in my experience, I've always seen that men that forgive cheating, they end up getting cheated again by the woman that they forgave. And in the future, they tend to find it again and again.

• 1:08:28Jay Shetty?

  And women, how's it?

• 1:08:29Sadia Khan?

  It's slightly different. It's like, the chances of him cheating again do go up. But usually, I do find if the intimacy is consistent, they tend to be relatively faithful. As the intimacy drops, the chances of infidelity increases. And when women realize that, okay, yeah, maybe we didn't have so much intimacy, she's not as angry. It's only when she realizes she did do her job and he still did it, then she gets furious and then she finds it really difficult to forgive. So it depends more on the intimacy than the actual respect when men cheat.

• 1:08:59Jay Shetty?

  I want to shift to talking about the female client.

• 1:09:01Sadia Khan?

  Yeah.

• 1:09:01Jay Shetty?

  The one who says, I want a man to commit, but he's not.

• 1:09:03Sadia Khan?

  Yeah.

• 1:09:04Jay Shetty?

  I think that's super common.

• 1:09:05Sadia Khan?

  Yeah.

• 1:09:06Jay Shetty?

  I think people are feeling like, hey, we're thirty, we're mid thirties, we're forty, why does he not want to commit?

• 1:09:12Sadia Khan?

  Well, firstly, unfortunately, there's a lot of men that are raised in homes with divorce nowadays. Yeah, so they, what happens is they, they see a divorce in their family. And whenever you're raised with a divorce, you either really, really cherish commitment and just never want to get a divorce and want to stay with one person forever. But the more common response, particularly for men, is to avoid intimacy and emotional intimacy as much as possible. You just don't want to get too vulnerable. So we're dealing with a man, a market of men that have witnessed divorce and a little bit anxious of getting, committing. If you are a man that has commitment issues, if you're trying to work out, because a lot of men think that, oh, it's not commitment issues. I don't have commitment issues. It's just that she's like this, or she's too needy, or she's... They try and blame the woman. If it was truly something wrong with the woman, then why are you with her? Yeah, I always ask them, why are you with her? Why don't you just leave her and let her find somebody who's going to commit?

• 1:09:57Sadia Khan?

  So then they realise, actually, there's nothing wrong with her. There must be something in them. If you suffer from commitment issues, the best thing to do is make a... As a man, try and be a bit logical. Make a risk assessment. What are the worst things that can happen if I commit to this woman? How bad can it be? If it's like, oh, she's really toxic, she's really abusive, she's gonna cheat on me. Fine, no problem. Then maybe just exit. But if you find that the risks are quite low and the behaviours are quite good, then you don't lose anything from committing. Nothing is going to actually happen. Whatever your fear is, it's irrational. So try and work out the risks of that relationship. If there's not too many risks, try and just commit, because only through commitment you'll realise if you're compatible. Without commitment, you can't actually get to compatibility. And the reason being is because when we're not committed, we dilute the attachment. We're kind of talking to this person here, we're going there, we're not truly committed.

• 1:10:40Sadia Khan?

  The moment you commit, you realise if you're right or wrong for each other, and then it speeds up your own time. You're not wasting your own time with the wrong person. So commitment is actually very useful for both parties to realise where it's going.

• 1:10:50Jay Shetty?

  And what about for the woman who's waiting for him to commit? She's tried to have the conversation with him. He's not opening up. He can't really reflect on this idea that he wants to commit. What does she do?

• 1:11:01Sadia Khan?

  I would say, like, in my experience of women who have had to push their partner into ultimatums, into getting commitment, the man you end up being married to is not a man you'll actually be happy with. The men that are pushed into commitment tend to resent their partners for making them a married man. They get angry at small signs of intimacy. They get annoyed that they have to be loving to you. They get annoyed that they have to check in with you every day and tell you what time they're coming home and what time dinner's gonna be ready. They resent the patterns of being married. So the more you're pushing this man that doesn't want commitment into commitment, you're only gonna access a relationship that won't really make you happy anyway. So when you're forcing them and putting their ultimatums, it's better to ask yourself, is this man, who he truly is right now, somebody I can actually be married to? If the answer is, he's got potential, maybe if he committed, then try not to.

• 1:11:45Sadia Khan?

  But if it's like, yes, he is, then he would naturally like commitment. So ask yourself, is it truly someone worth pushing into commitment? Because usually they turn into a very negative person when you push them into commitment, anyway.

• 1:11:57Jay Shetty?

  I'm glad you said that about ultimatums. I'm not a fan at all.

• 1:11:59Sadia Khan?

  I'm not a fan. Why don't you like them?

• 1:12:02Jay Shetty?

  Same reason, I I think if anyone has to be forced. For example, if a guy doesn't wanna have a wedding and you force him to have a wedding, he'll resent it forever.

• 1:12:12Sadia Khan?

  Yeah, and he'll make you miserable.

• 1:12:13Jay Shetty?

  And that's just one day.

• 1:12:14Sadia Khan?

  That's one day.

• 1:12:15Jay Shetty?

  So let alone like having a marriage and being in a marriage and all the rest of it. I just think that you can't for, if you have to force people into love and commitment.

• 1:12:24Sadia Khan?

  Yeah.

• 1:12:25Jay Shetty?

  Then it's not love and commitment.

• 1:12:26Sadia Khan?

  Yeah, and are you sure you love them? Because if you have to force them to become a person they're not in order to please you, are you sure you love the real them? Because every time I meet a woman who's suffering in a marriage, I ask them, did he want to get married? Because the things you, because usually a lot of these women are not asking for a lot. They'll say, I just asked him to spend some time with me after work. Or I just asked that maybe we can get a kiss when he walks in. And he makes it out like it's such a big deal. He's like, leave me alone, he gets so aggressive about it. And then I ask him, did you push him to get married? And she's like, yeah, we, well, I sold him, I'm turning thirty four this year. If you don't marry me, I'm gone. And you know, he got nervous and did it. But unfortunately, those ultimatums just bring out the resentment in the man or the woman, or the other way around. It brings out their resentment and they're mean to you. And are you sure you wanna marry somebody who's going to be mean?

• 1:13:06Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, because the the opposite of commitment is actually comfort.

• 1:13:10Sadia Khan?

  Mm hmm.

• 1:13:10Jay Shetty?

  The point is, they're comfortable.

• 1:13:12Sadia Khan?

  Yeah.

• 1:13:12Jay Shetty?

  And that's what they want.

• 1:13:13Sadia Khan?

  That's what they want.

• 1:13:13Jay Shetty?

  And so when you're forcing commitment,

• 1:13:15Sadia Khan?

  Mm hmm.

• 1:13:15Jay Shetty?

  you're basically saying, I want you to be uncomfortable.

• 1:13:18Sadia Khan?

  And they don't want it.

• 1:13:19Jay Shetty?

  And they don't want it.

• 1:13:19Sadia Khan?

  And they blame.

• 1:13:20Jay Shetty?

  Or they do it and then they're uncomfortable.

• 1:13:22Sadia Khan?

  And they blame.

• 1:13:22Jay Shetty?

  And then, and then you get the blame.

• 1:13:23Sadia Khan?

  And they're truly uncomfortable, just simple things. I'll have clients, it's just a simple thing of just going to bed at the same time. He doesn't wanna do it. He'll wanna be like, I don't, I wanna go at the time, I wanna go. So the acts of marriage, do the behaviors of marriage feel uncomfortable to that man? If they do, then you're gonna create a husband that you actually don't, aren't happy with. And it's gonna, you're gonna suffer.

• 1:13:42Jay Shetty?

  Let's take a short break to hear from our sponsors. This episode is brought to you by Wayfair. Home should be a place that feels like a sanctuary, a space that truly reflects who you are. But it can be challenging to balance style, budget, and endless options. I was looking to create a dedicated calm space for my morning meditation and reading, but I was struggling to find pieces that felt grounding but could also stand up to daily use. I went on Wayfair and found a beautiful, solid wood accent chair and a bookshelf. Now that corner is my favorite place to anchor my day. The quality is incredible, it's built to last, and it completely shifted the energy of the room. Plus, you can shop with Wayfair Verified, where product specialists carefully vet items for quality and functionality.

• 1:14:27Jay Shetty?

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• 1:15:08Jay Shetty?

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• 1:15:27Speaker 06

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• 1:15:56Jay Shetty?

  All right, thank you to our sponsors. Now let's dive back in. Can you save a bad relationship?

• 1:16:02Sadia Khan?

  Yes, you really, you can save a bad relationship, but it's difficult if the both people don't want to. The only way you can save a bad relationship is if both people truly want to and they're just misunderstanding each other. The relationships that are difficult to save is when the per- when one of the person is far more attached than the other. When one person is really wanting the relationship to work and the other person is simply not attracted, not invested and not committed. Then what ends up happening is the only way it can be saved is the beggar in the relationship demands less and less and less. And that's usually the dynamic when one person wants it more than the other. You get a beggar in the relationship and just like beggars on the street. When they ask for a bit, you'll give them a bit, but when they ask for a lot, you're like, go away, you're a beggar, like, I'll give you bare minimum. That's how couples start to treat the person who begs to be with them.

• 1:16:46Sadia Khan?

  So when you enter that dynamic, it's very difficult to fix. But when you enter a dynamic where we don't know why we keep butting heads, we love each other, I don't know why it's not working. Then it's probably just something wrong in understanding each other's core needs and it's very easy to fix those people.

• 1:16:58Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, I think it's natural for relationships to go through ups and downs. It's pretty remarkable if a relationship is always hard.

• 1:17:05Sadia Khan?

  Yeah.

• 1:17:06Jay Shetty?

  Because work comes up, I think having children is a huge one for people.

• 1:17:10Sadia Khan?

  Yeah.

• 1:17:10Jay Shetty?

  To stay connected during that time, travel, there's a million things that are gonna happen.

• 1:17:15Sadia Khan?

  Mm-hmm.

• 1:17:16Jay Shetty?

  And all of it comes down to, am I communicating with that person and are they communicating with me?

• 1:17:20Sadia Khan?

  Yeah.

• 1:17:21Jay Shetty?

  And I think we just haven't been trained to say, hey, when you're going through a change.

• 1:17:26Sadia Khan?

  Yeah.

• 1:17:26Jay Shetty?

  Tell your partner and practise it when the changes are small, like, hey, for the next three days, I've got a busy work period. Hey, for the next week, I've got a big presentation at work I'm preparing for. Like, talk about those tiny things.

• 1:17:39Sadia Khan?

  Yeah.

• 1:17:39Jay Shetty?

  So that when you have big things like having kids or travel or parent issues, you're not as scared.

• 1:17:44Sadia Khan?

  Yeah, it's not so bad. But then I do find what relationships happen in relationships. There's relationships that have pains, which are ups and downs, maybe they miscarriage, maybe things go wrong, busy with work. And there's relationships that are suffering, which is simply a real consequences of poor decisions. When you've chosen the wrong person, pains will happen in every marriage. Every marriage will have ups and downs, financial issues, babies will come, babies will go, God forbid. Parents get sick, those are pains in marriages, these are to be expected and it can cause rough periods. Suffering is when even without those, there are emotional consequences of just choosing the wrong partner and daily, daily things. Small things become big fights. You just wanna hold hands, they get angry at that. You just wanna spend more time, they get angry at that. Your life starts to feel like suffering. And when it's more suffering than it is pain, then it's a bit harder to fix those marriages.

• 1:18:29Jay Shetty?

  I do think picking is such a big part of it.

• 1:18:31Sadia Khan?

  Yeah.

• 1:18:31Jay Shetty?

  It's so hard when going back to your three A's and your three L's.

• 1:18:36Sadia Khan?

  Yeah.

• 1:18:36Jay Shetty?

  If someone's been with someone for ten years now and the attractions faded naturally to some degree. They kind of admire them and they kind of get adoration to some degree. And you already have kids together, you're not gonna necessarily get divorced.

• 1:18:58Sadia Khan?

  No, but then that's fine. That's actually not so end of the world, as long as it's not so toxic. If you've got to a stage where it's kind of okay, it's not so bad. I think in this day and age, that's a win. You know, I know it sounds terrible and it sounds like, oh, you're just floating by. But I think as long as you're avoiding suffering and you're not a toxic. In if you're after ten years, you're kind of attracted, kind of admires, some adoration, but it's not unstable. I actually think that's a win. I know that sounds terrible, but I just think that's not a bad. I wouldn't be terrified if I had that. It's only when you never had those to begin with and then it just gets exaggerated, exaggerated, exaggerated, it usually turns into suffering.

• 1:19:34Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, so unless it's toxic, abusive, exploitative.

• 1:19:38Sadia Khan?

  I I think if you don't have it so bad and you don't have any other deal breakers, I think what happens is people focus so much on like having the highs in a relationship. I just think as long as you don't have deep lows, even if it's not like poems and you don't have these holidays and you don't have these great, you know, experiences. But you don't have any of those toxic lows, having that sense of peace is actually okay. I I actually think that's a win. I think it's toxic to assume that you should always be having those highs. I think actually just seek that peace and as long as they don't have deal breakers, the relationship will be. Maybe it won't be the most exciting, but as long as it's not got those deal breakers, you'll actually have relatively peaceful marriage.

• 1:20:12Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, it's interesting. You just said both are toxic.

• 1:20:14Sadia Khan?

  Mm hmm.

• 1:20:14Jay Shetty?

  Always wanting to be on a highest toxic.

• 1:20:16Sadia Khan?

  Yeah, very much.

• 1:20:17Jay Shetty?

  And naturally, someone who treats you low is toxic.

• 1:20:19Sadia Khan?

  Yeah.

• 1:20:19Jay Shetty?

  And so both of them can be toxic.

• 1:20:21Sadia Khan?

  So both of them.

• 1:20:21Jay Shetty?

  As opposed to accepting that peace is a great place to be.

• 1:20:25Sadia Khan?

  It's the it's the goal. Yeah, the end goal is that peaceful state where it's not too high, not too low. The highs and lows comes because of circumstances, but not because our day to day interactions are so overstimulating or understimulating. It doesn't come from day to day, it comes from experiences or events in our marriage.

• 1:20:40Jay Shetty?

  So, what's the worst thing to say to someone who's just gone through a breakup?

• 1:20:44Sadia Khan?

  The worst thing that you can say to somebody who's just gone through a breakup is that, "Well, you knew he was like that anyway, so what's the problem?" I know, yeah, sometimes we do know the person was already like that, we know. But right now, dwelling on that person is probably the least important part of the healing process. To get over a heartbreak, it's not so much that we have to forget the person that we're heartbroken about, but we just have to try and rediscover ourselves. And the best way to rediscover ourselves is not by focusing on the person, focusing on what he did wrong, how terrible he is. It's more just finding out what your patterns are, what your selection was, and then how you can improve your life, so much so that the feelings for him become, they disappear. But dwelling on him and focusing on him and all his problems,

• 1:21:28Sadia Khan?

  I think that will just keep you invested in a relationship and make it harder for you to heal that heartbreak.

• 1:21:32Jay Shetty?

  What about when you thought you were gonna spend the rest of your life with someone, and they left you, they moved on, they didn't see it the same way, but you were convinced, after a few years, that this was gonna be your person, and you break up? What actually helps?

• 1:21:49Sadia Khan?

  I think the only thing that helps is just remembering that everything you wanted with this person, whether that vision was getting married, whether it was to have kids, whether it was to go on holidays, that vision is still attainable for you. You can still access that entire vision you had with them with somebody new. And if you feel like you really loved that person, you probably just loved certain traits that they had. Those traits that he has are available in other men, that will actually still make your vision come true. And hopefully, the new person will not have the traits that cause the relationship to break down. So remember, it's not about the person, this is where people get stuck in heartbreak. They think that their life happiness and the relationship and their end goal in life is in the hands of that particular person in that relationship. That end goal is something that they can still attain and achieve by themselves.

• 1:22:32Sadia Khan?

  If they just remember that they can still achieve it with somebody else, or they can achieve it by themselves, they can achieve it through friends, that goal is more important than the person. And your vision is far more important than the relationship. So as long as you keep your vision in mind and remember that there's other people that can help you attain that vision, you will let go of that ego that's attached to that particular person that you just broke. Your heart. And I know it sounds hard to do. But when you find out that somebody's hurt you and they've moved on and they've got a relationship. We can't be hurt and happy for somebody at the same time. If you wanna remove your hurt for people, you almost have to try and be happy for them, even if they don't deserve it. You don't do it for them, you do it for your own sake, so you can suppress that feeling of hurt and just be like, he treated me terribly, but I would never want somebody else to go through that. So I hope he has a happy relationship. I hope he treats her way better than he treated me.

• 1:23:16Sadia Khan?

  And then hopefully you'll attract that positive energy back into your own life.

• 1:23:20Jay Shetty?

  How do we get closure when the person doesn't give it to us?

• 1:23:23Sadia Khan?

  We can get it through their actions, not their words. So if, for example, I really love this person and they just left me out of nowhere and they gave me no explanation. Sometimes the closure is in their behavior. The fact that they could let me go and leave me hanging in that moment is all the closure I need, that maybe they didn't see me as important as I saw them, maybe they found someone else. Whatever it is, their closure comes in their behavior, not just their words. Whatever they were gonna say to you probably wasn't true anyway. They're probably just trying to make you feel better or trying to hide what the real reasons is. Their words are not so important, their actions are. We can always find closure in people's actions.

• 1:23:55Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, and often their actions are so painful.

• 1:23:57Sadia Khan?

  Yeah.

• 1:23:58Jay Shetty?

  They break up with you over text. They don't wanna talk to you.

• 1:24:02Sadia Khan?

  And as hard as it is, it's usually our ego that seeks another conversation with them. If you really look at their behavior, your soul will know they're bad for you. So try and pay attention to, your soul knows if someone's good or bad for you. Our ego will just want the last word. They just want them to come crawling back to us so we can say, oh, we can reject them or we can have our last word. But try and remember that that's just your ego speaking. Your soul knows that this probably person probably wasn't right for you. If they were right for you, you wouldn't be suffering today. So try and let go of that need for validation and that need for conversation and replace it with their behavior spoke volumes.

• 1:24:33Jay Shetty?

  That difference between the soul and ego is so powerful. The hard part is most of us are living through our ego daily and not our soul. So to suddenly flip into soul living, not ego living. In a breakup, it's extremely hard.

• 1:24:47Sadia Khan?

  Yeah, because your ego is what looks right. And your soul is what actually is right. And we always wanna look right. We wanna be the one that says, I don't wanna be with them. Or we wanna be the one that broke up with them. But the, that's just a temporary high of being the one that had the final say or being the one that got to say this. These are temporary highs. The long term high comes from not needing those conversations. It's almost like an emotional kind of neutrality towards that person. And the quicker you can get there, the quicker you actually heal. So the less you can pay attention to your ego, the closer you'll get to healing.

• 1:25:17Jay Shetty?

  How would you encourage people to think about that through steps and stages?

• 1:25:21Sadia Khan?

  I think the ego, when it comes to your soul and ego, the key difference is ego is what makes you look good in front of people. Soul is actually what makes you feel right. So it might make you look better to him if you start posting pictures of you with another man or showing memes. It might make, you know, get a stab at them. But do you actually feel any better when you do that? Ego might make you say, look, go move on to another guy. Go text your ex, go be with another person, make him jealous. But your soul will know it doesn't feel right. So the inner voice that you have, like, does this actually feel right? And how you can assess this? You ask yourself, if I didn't meet this person, like, say, my ex, I just broke up with my husband and I was like, okay, if I didn't meet this person ever, would I be going on this date with this random guy? Or would I be actually sitting at home watching TV with my friends?

• 1:26:05Sadia Khan?

  If the answer is, I would still be going on the date with the guy, the chances are it's not your ego. You're probably just doing it because that's what you wanna do. But if it's like, I'm only going to the club because I know he's, he's gonna be there now. I wanna hurt him. Or I'm only gonna go text this other guy because I know it will hurt him. If you're allowing that person to dictate your feelings and what you do, then it's probably your ego speaking to yourself. Act like that person doesn't exist and then ask yourself, what do you wanna do with yourself? And if the answer is, I just wanna heal, I just wanna cry, I just wanna feel good, like, I want a couple of days to myself, then do that rather than just trying to play that game and seeing who looks better and trying to win. Because there's no winner when you follow your ego.

• 1:26:38Jay Shetty?

  I was really happy that we started with the two core issues you go through with your clients. Because I think that Even if it's not women cheating on men, or it's men cheating on women, it's infidelity. And then this idea of commitment, which I think are two of the biggest things that everyone's struggling with. And then at the same time, talking about relationships at the top end of attracting the three As, the three Als.

• 1:27:01Sadia Khan?

  It's a paradox that the women that want commitment and the men that are committed, they're not finding each other. There's the men that are getting treated badly in relationships and the women that are getting treated badly and they seem to not, seem to be attracting each other unfortunately, which is a shame.

• 1:27:13Jay Shetty?

  Why is that?

• 1:27:13Sadia Khan?

  I think there's something about being too nice as a person, both women and men. They don't attract each other because they don't feel useful when with somebody else who's equally as nice as them. They almost feel better when they're with somebody a bit tougher and stronger so they can, you know, feel like the nice person in that relationship. If they simply met each other, it would be a great resolution to this problem that we're facing in modern dating at the moment.

• 1:27:34Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, I think a big part of it is also healing and retraining our own desires because

• 1:27:43Jay Shetty?

  not everything you want is good for you. And sadly, the things that are good for you, you don't want them.

• 1:27:48Sadia Khan?

  I know.

• 1:27:49Jay Shetty?

  And so the sad part is you're attracted to the things that are bad for you.

• 1:27:54Sadia Khan?

  Just like with food, just like with everything in life, unfortunately, we are attracted to things that are bad for you. But the moment you heal your self-esteem, what will happen is you'll have a natural distaste towards things that are bad for you. People who don't love you, people who don't treat you right. How you know your self-esteem is improving is at the moment those people start treating you badly, you lose attraction to them. And the moment people treat you well, you increase your attraction to them. And that is a real signal. I know sometimes you can get love bombed and the person is just so, so nice to you and then you're attracted to that. But it's that steady, healthy pace of people treating you nicely that you are attracted to, which will help heal your self-esteem.

• 1:28:29Jay Shetty?

  Sadia, you've been amazing. We end every On Purpose episode with a final five. These have to be answered in one word, to one sentence maximum. So Sadia Khan, these are your final five. Question number one, what is the best relationship advice you've ever heard or received?

• 1:28:46Sadia Khan?

  Pick peace over pleasure. Always choose somebody who will give you more peace than pleasure if you want a long-lasting relationship.

• 1:28:53Jay Shetty?

  Question number two, what is the worst relationship advice you've ever heard or received?

• 1:28:57Sadia Khan?

  You are somebody's dream girl, or don't set up a list. I think anything that inflates your vision of what a real relationship looks like is gonna make it difficult for you to find the right person.

• 1:29:06Jay Shetty?

  Great answer. A question number three, what's something that you think? Everyone believes to be true about love, but it's actually not true.

• 1:29:15Sadia Khan?

  It should be unconditional. I don't believe that it should be true. You definitely need conditions for your love, otherwise you will attract people who abuse your kindness.

• 1:29:23Jay Shetty?

  That's a great answer. Question number four.

• 1:29:28Jay Shetty?

  What is something you used to believe was true about love, but recently you've disconnected with?

• 1:29:34Sadia Khan?

  That just being with somebody who just loves you so, so much is all you need, when really, without you being attracted to that person, it will feel like neediness.

• 1:29:44Jay Shetty?

  Fifth and final question. If you could create one law that everyone in the world had to follow, what would it be?

• 1:29:51Sadia Khan?

  You treat people behind their back as you do in front of them. So how you behave behind people's back is exactly how you are in front of their face. And if you practice that in your relationships, what happens is you don't need your partner to regulate you in any way, shape or form. You act like the same person with or without their monitoring. And if you do that in life, I think you'll probably have more authentic relationships.

• 1:30:10Jay Shetty?

  Sadia Khan, thank you so much.

• 1:30:12Sadia Khan?

  Thank you.

• 1:30:12Jay Shetty?

  This is without a doubt my favorite relationship episode we've ever done.

• 1:30:17Sadia Khan?

  I don't believe you.

• 1:30:18Jay Shetty?

  I mean, I wouldn't say that.

• 1:30:19Sadia Khan?

  I don't believe you.

• 1:30:20Jay Shetty?

  We're gonna leave it on the edit. I honestly have never gone that deep into the nuances of why and who and where and just... I love the way you think about it. I really, really appreciate it. And I want everyone who's listening and watching to tag me and Sadia on Instagram, on TikTok, with the moments that resonated with you, that connected with you, that things you're gonna stop doing from now on, things you're gonna start doing, signs you're watching out for, because I wanna see what you're putting into practice. If you don't follow Sadia across social media already, make sure you go and subscribe. I hope that it saves you from wasting time, money and energy on the wrong person.

• 1:31:04Jay Shetty?

  And I really, really hope that it helps you connect with true, meaningful, lasting love. Sadia, I'm so grateful to you again.

• 1:31:12Sadia Khan?

  You have no idea how much you have honored me today. So thank you so, so much for your time. I cannot believe I get to speak to you. Thank you.

• 1:31:21Jay Shetty?

  If you loved this episode, you'll love my interview with Dr. Gabor Maté on understanding your trauma and how to heal emotional wounds to start moving on from the past.

• 1:31:32Speaker 07

  Everything in nature grows only where it's vulnerable. So a tree doesn't grow where it's hard and thick, does it? It grows where it's soft and green and vulnerable.

• 1:31:40Speaker 08

  Mr. President, my company foreme of the explosion on our rig. On October 2nd. Causing massive water displacement and triggering a tsunami. They all keep the blame on me. Tom Cruise is. Digger got us into this mess, and Digger's gonna dig us up. From the director of Birdman and The Revenant.

• 1:31:56Speaker 09

  What would happen if I stopped growing? You starve, you freeze in there, that's what.

• 1:32:01Speaker 08

  With great power comes great deniability.

• 1:32:04Speaker 09

  I'm not the first then.

• 1:32:05Speaker 08

  Digger. See the trailer online. Only in theaters October 2nd. Rated R. Under 17. Not a middle without parent.