Caller: “Why Do I Keep Blowing Up on My Family?”

📋 Stay connected all week long. Download Dr. John Delony's free Weekly Marriage Check-In Guide: On today’s episode, we hear about: A man whose sobriety leaves him constantly angry A woman wondering if she is too flirty outside of her marriage A man struggling to get back on his feet after an abusive ex wrecked his life Next Steps: 🔥 Microhabits for a better marriage. Download the Together app. ❤️Join Dr. John Delony at Money & Marriage Getaway. 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test 📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards 💭 John’s Free Guided Meditation 🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch Connect With Our Sponsors: Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. Go to Capstone Wellness to learn more. Get up to 20% off with code DELONY at Cozy Earth. Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe. Visit Hallow for a 90-day free trial. Visit Helix Sleep for special offers! Go to Joi + Blokes and get 50% off labs and 20% off products. Working knives for working people—go to Montana Knife Company to see what’s available now! Explore Poncho Outdoors! Get 25% off your order at Thorne. Visit Zander Insurance or call 1-800-356-4282 for your free instant quote today. Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights 🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💰 George Kamel 📈 EntreLeadership Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:05Speaker 00

  I'm a recovering addict. I've got four kids and a wife. I don't know if you've ever heard the quote, "If you're raised with an angry man in your house, there will always be an angry man in your house, and you will find him even when he's not there." And I've just struggled a lot recently with being an angry husband and parent.

• 0:29Dr. John Delony?

  What's going on? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show coming to you from Nashville, Tennessee, taking your calls on mental and emotional health, parenting, relationships, marriage, whatever you've got going on in your life. Pull up a seat and we will figure out what's your next right step. If you want to be on the show, I would love to have you. It's real people going through real challenges in real time. Click the link in the show notes wherever you're listening to this, wherever you're watching this, and it will get you connected with Kelly and she'll get you on the show. So we're at the Kansas City, Kansas, Kansas City, Kansas, the right side, as those in Kansas say. And let's talk to Mitchell. Hey, Mitchell, what's up, dude?

• 1:10Speaker 00

  Hey, John, how's it going?

• 1:11Dr. John Delony?

  Good, my man. What's going on with you?

• 1:14Speaker 00

  So my question is, so I'm a recovering addict. I've got four kids and a wife. I don't know if you've ever heard the quote, I can't remember who it's from, but it's along the lines of, "If you're raised with an angry man in your house, there will always be an angry man in your house, and you will find him even when he's not there." I've got three daughters, and I've just struggled a lot recently with being an angry husband and parent. I'm just, that's what I'm wanting to work on. Just wondering if you have any advice?

• 1:51Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, thanks for calling, brother. So tell me about your recovery journey.

• 1:56Speaker 00

  Well, I mean, I started using in early high school years, started with alcohol, then went to weed, then went to pills. I've tried getting sober probably three or four other times. The longest I've ever pieced together was about a year and a half. I'm currently on six months.

• 2:27Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. So, A, congratulations.

• 2:31Speaker 00

  Thank you.

• 2:32Dr. John Delony?

  And not just congratulations because you're at six months, but congratulations because you have a history of getting back up and getting back up and getting back up.

• 2:43Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 2:43Dr. John Delony?

  That's a good thing. So are you in any kind of recovery program?

• 2:50Speaker 00

  I go to NA.

• 2:51Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 2:52Speaker 00

  Yep.

• 2:52Dr. John Delony?

  So they've, they've, they've probably talked about this, but maybe not in this way. Anytime I'm sitting down with somebody who's, has a lifelong history of substance abuse, like you have, of any kind, I always want to start from a weird perspective. What if the alcohol, the weed, the pills, whatever, what if they were right? What if they were actively helping you avoid unsafe, unpleasant feelings, emotions, situations, et cetera? If that was true, what if they were the solution all these years? They weren't the

• 3:34Dr. John Delony?

  problem. And now, obviously, they become the problem because they, they take everything from you, right? But

• 3:42Speaker 00

  Right.

• 3:44Dr. John Delony?

  Since you were a high school kid, what have you been numbing out from?

• 3:50Speaker 00

  That's a good question, man. I don't know. I would say that it's just, it, it made me a different person, I guess. Like, it, it helped me be more stoic and be more the person I wanted to be, I guess.

• 4:16Dr. John Delony?

  Where did you get the message that you shouldn't feel?

• 4:21Speaker 00

  Um.

• 4:22Dr. John Delony?

  Because I don't think you're talking about the Marcus Aurelius stoicism, like, "I want to have these deep feelings, and I want to weep, and I want to laugh, and I want to play, but also I have a job to do." That's not what you're talking about. You're talking about, "I want to be a statue. I want to be hard."

• 4:37Speaker 00

  Yeah. I would assume from my grandfather, my grandparents were who raised me.

• 4:44Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. Where was your, where was your birth parents?

• 4:49Speaker 00

  So my, my mother died of cancer when I was 18 months old.

• 4:54Dr. John Delony?

  Good God.

• 4:55Speaker 00

  And my, my dad kind of went off the rails when that happened. He was an addict as well.

• 5:01Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 5:02Speaker 00

  So my grandparents, ever since I was three, they raised me.

• 5:07Dr. John Delony?

  So I don't want to spend too much time here, but I just want to throw out a theory, okay? An idea, just a guess. What if your body understood at a real young age, either A, we don't have the luxury of feeling, or B, nobody cares about how I am, or how I feel, or what I want to be doing, or what I think's important, or three, what if the pain of that much loss to such a tiny little body, to a tiny little human being, was so intense that, man, a drink took that away?

• 5:47Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 5:49Dr. John Delony?

  I have a lot of compassion for a high school kid who finds himself in that situation.

• 5:55Dr. John Delony?

  A lot. Now, fast forward to now, you're six months sober, and that means you're, you've just about burned off all of the emotional rah rah of sobriety, and now you're having to deal in the reality of, "I'm having to walk without the crutch I've been using for a long, long time."

• 6:14Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 6:15Dr. John Delony?

  And so you're getting a more honest appraisal of the you beneath all of the numbing agents and all of the, the masks, right? I like to think of anger, again, initially, as a right emotion, a good emotion, pointing towards the way things should be. It means you care about something.

• 6:37Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 6:37Dr. John Delony?

  So what are you angry at?

• 6:42Speaker 00

  I feel like it'd be easier to list the things I'm not angry at.

• 6:46Dr. John Delony?

  Just start rattling off a few things. What do you get angry at? We'll see if we can find a common thread underneath it all.

• 6:52Speaker 00

  I mean, just when the kids are misbehaving, or they don't, they don't do the things that they're, they know they're supposed to do, or they, or rather, they do things they know they're not supposed to be doing. With the wife, it's silly, but, you know, like mistrust, which is definitely warranted with the addiction issues and stuff.

• 7:22Dr. John Delony?

  She doesn't trust you and you get mad about it?

• 7:25Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 7:25Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 7:26Speaker 00

  But it's warranted. I mean, but it still, it still sucks.

• 7:30Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. What else? What else, what else set you off? Like, to the point, like, where you know it's irrational? Like, you know, like, I'm mad about something, my body's, like, wants to go to war, and I know in my, in my mind, in my frontal lobe, this is silly.

• 7:49Dr. John Delony?

  Or maybe it's not silly, but it's not worth the response my body's giving it.

• 7:53Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 7:55Dr. John Delony?

  Give me an example.

• 7:56Speaker 00

  Um, I mean, I had one the other day. I guess, I guess the easiest way to wrap it up is when, honestly, people get mad at me. Like, my wife got mad at me for something I did. And my response was to just get angrier and blow it up worse.

• 8:27Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. So the, the three things I'm seeing underneath the challenges you expressed, and tell me if this is true, okay? You don't like feeling powerless and trapped.

• 8:39Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 8:41Dr. John Delony?

  Like, for instance, a six-year-old might feel when his mom has passed away, when his dad just walked out on him, and he's forced to live with two quasi strangers who have a very militant way of doing life.

• 8:52Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 8:53Dr. John Delony?

  You don't like feeling less than. You're always seeking the environment for making sure everybody's equal. And if in any way, whether warranted or not, whether you've done a thing or haven't done a thing, if somebody appears to have a step up over you, you got to burn them down to level things back out.

• 9:17Speaker 00

  Yeah, that's pretty accurate.

• 9:19Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. The next one is, you call it anger, I would call it guilt, or I'd call it shame.

• 9:28Dr. John Delony?

  When you actually do a thing that hurts somebody, and they have, they have an emotional response to it, and instead of being able to say the words, "I'm sorry," and sit with them, "How can I make this right?" That, that feeling feels so less than, it feels so powerless, that the only way you respond, the only way your body knows to respond is to go back over the top of them.

• 9:51Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 9:52Dr. John Delony?

  Right? And few things make us feel more powerless than a room full of kids that won't do what we know, that, that won't do what we think they know they should be doing.

• 10:02Dr. John Delony?

  How dare y'all keep laughing and having fun and wanting to poke at me? Y'all are supposed to be folding your clothes because, whatever, or all brushing your teeth at the same time, right?

• 10:14Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 10:15Dr. John Delony?

  It's exposing. It feels powerless, right? Because then you start to realize, "Oh, I can't make, I mean, I could make you make you, because y'all are still little. I've got bigger muscles than you, but in very short order, I can't make you do much of anything." So

• 10:26Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 10:27Dr. John Delony?

  Here's all I want to tell you. You're not crazy. And I know you walk around feeling like you're losing your mind, like you're less than. The thing that's standing between you and becoming the peaceful presence that those three girls can anchor into now and for the rest of their life is you practicing emotional maturity, having a really big feeling, and creating enough space, a tiny gap, before you react. I'll give you a couple of ways, things you can practice, and then responding in the way you would like to respond. Not

• 11:12Dr. John Delony?

  the way that immediately feels good, because anger feels good. Rage feels good. It's addictive. It feels powerful.

• 11:24Dr. John Delony?

  But I gotta tell you, I gotta be honest with you.

• 11:28Dr. John Delony?

  This is gonna take a long time. It's gonna take a lot of concerted effort. And you're gonna have to first believe you're worth not being angry all the time. And that you're worth being in a relationship with. And those girls didn't somehow lose the cosmic lottery by having you as their dad. And then your wife isn't somehow anchored to a loser because she's got three kids with them and she's gotta stay. You're gonna have to decide you're worth being married to.

• 11:55Speaker 00

  I don't know.

• 11:58Dr. John Delony?

  And if you can anchor from that point, then you can practice anything you gotta practice.

• 12:04Dr. John Delony?

  And if you haven't already, I'm telling you right now, as a former guy who is an angry, angry guy, you gotta go sit with a trauma therapist and work it out, man.

• 12:15Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 12:17Dr. John Delony?

  I'm telling you right now, brother to brother, I've been there. And on the other side of it, dude, I cannot tell you what it's like to have a 10-year-old daughter that I can't get off of me because I'm her safe place.

• 12:34Speaker 00

  Alright.

• 12:38Dr. John Delony?

  Are you in?

• 12:40Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I'm in.

• 12:43Dr. John Delony?

  You don't sound convincing.

• 12:47Speaker 00

  No, I'm in. I'm just a little choked up.

• 12:50Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 12:56Dr. John Delony?

  Tell me what you're thinking. Tell me what your next move is.

• 13:03Speaker 00

  I mean, I was literally, before I got called, I was searching through therapists on BetterHelp, so...

• 13:13Dr. John Delony?

  BetterHelp's the sponsor of my show. You need an in-person trauma therapist.

• 13:19Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 13:19Dr. John Delony?

  Okay? And it's worth the money. It's worth you getting a side job to go pay for.

• 13:28Dr. John Delony?

  And I want you to find a trauma-focused therapist in your area, which there will be. And I want you to walk in the front door of their office and say, "I've got a really rough childhood and I've made some poor decisions as an adult, and I'm ready to heal."

• 13:46Speaker 00

  Okay. I'll start looking for...

• 13:49Dr. John Delony?

  It's an empowerment thing, okay?

• 13:52Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 13:52Dr. John Delony?

  It's an ownership. I am in control of my life and I'm in control of what I do next. Now, I'll tell you a couple of things I've had to navigate over the years getting in control of my own anger. And one of them is exhaling.

• 14:06Dr. John Delony?

  There's a... I don't get all nerdy on you. If you just take an inhale that's four seconds and an exhale that's 10 seconds, and you do that three or four or five times, it brings your mind back online.

• 14:20Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 14:20Dr. John Delony?

  Okay? And so there's something about walking in and you tell all the girls, "Y'all need to go get ready for bed." And then you go do something and come back out and they're still in a big old pile being goofy on the middle of the floor.

• 14:31Dr. John Delony?

  They're being kids. Do they need to follow your directions? Yes, but they're being kids.

• 14:38Dr. John Delony?

  And so I'm gonna take two or three deep breaths and I'm gonna have long exhales. And then either A, I'm gonna practice completely doing the opposite thing. I'm gonna go jump in the middle of that pile. I'm gonna get a pillow and join them.

• 14:53Dr. John Delony?

  I'm gonna come in making fart noises on my arm. Or if there's something they really need to be doing,

• 15:00Dr. John Delony?

  I'm gonna come in and I'm gonna squat down eye level with them so they know I'm serious. I say, "Hey, I told you once. This is it. Anybody go get ready for bed."

• 15:14Dr. John Delony?

  You get what I'm saying? That's you practicing being under control.

• 15:19Speaker 00

  Alright.

• 15:20Dr. John Delony?

  When your wife calls you out on something and you instantly get angry,

• 15:26Dr. John Delony?

  talk about this with her when you're not angry, but I want you to look at her and say, "I'm feeling less than and the story I'm making up is you don't like me anymore."

• 15:34Dr. John Delony?

  And tell her that all that is, is you practicing staying in the moment and not hiding behind anger and rage.

• 15:41Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 15:43Dr. John Delony?

  And all she needs to do is say, "I love you. I don't like you right now because you did X, Y, or Z." And you can go, "Okay, that's fair."

• 15:53Dr. John Delony?

  You get what I'm saying?

• 15:54Speaker 00

  Yeah, you really hit the nail on the head with that last one.

• 15:58Dr. John Delony?

  That one's tough. That one's tough. No one likes to feel less than, right?

• 16:05Dr. John Delony?

  But if you know my self-worth isn't any number of individual mistakes,

• 16:13Dr. John Delony?

  and she still loves me, she's not going anywhere,

• 16:16Dr. John Delony?

  then what my larger purpose is, we're building a thing together. And if the brick I was stacking is the wrong way, then, man, I'm sad, I'm embarrassed, I'm ashamed that I stacked the brick sideways or wrong. But now that she's taught me how she wants it stacked or how it can best be stacked, then now we can get to building the best marriage possible.

• 16:42Dr. John Delony?

  You get what I'm saying? Do you have a job?

• 16:43Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 16:45Speaker 00

  I don't right now, no.

• 16:47Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. That's A1.

• 16:51Dr. John Delony?

  And it might be... Are you staying at home with the kids?

• 16:54Speaker 00

  Yeah, I am.

• 16:56Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. Is that good for you?

• 17:00Speaker 00

  It's definitely allowed me to have a lot more time with them than I think I needed, for sure.

• 17:05Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 17:09Dr. John Delony?

  If you're gonna do that, I want you to start the night before. I want you to be very intentional about your plan for the next day because the lack of intentionality is gonna wear you down.

• 17:19Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 17:20Dr. John Delony?

  Having a roadmap for each day, as though you're going to a full-time job.

• 17:24Speaker 00

  That makes sense.

• 17:25Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. Otherwise, it can feel pretty aimless and about 3 o'clock or 2 o'clock comes along and you want nothing more than six oxys and a TV screen and you just want the room quiet. Fair?

• 17:38Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 17:38Dr. John Delony?

  Because you start getting that 2:00, 2:00 PM unintentional, kinda blah itch. You have an exercise routine?

• 17:46Speaker 00

  I don't.

• 17:47Dr. John Delony?

  Sweet. You start tomorrow.

• 17:51Dr. John Delony?

  I'm gonna hang on the line here. I'm gonna hook you up with my buddies at Mind Pump. You can get on the site and they'll hook you up with any one of their workout plans. It's the ones I use in my house. And they're still OG, dude. You print them off. I love it.

• 18:03Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 18:04Dr. John Delony?

  And you can have body weight exercises if you don't have a Craigslist gym in your garage. But you can go do them in your garage. You can do them in the backyard. But it's something to get your body up and moving where you begin to take ownership of your life. I'm not talking about being a gym bro or anything weird like that right now. Okay?

• 18:21Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 18:22Dr. John Delony?

  Talking about a promise you make to yourself that you keep every day.

• 18:26Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 18:27Dr. John Delony?

  Cool?

• 18:29Speaker 00

  Cool.

• 18:30Dr. John Delony?

  Are you in?

• 18:31Speaker 00

  I'm in. I'm in, man.

• 18:33Dr. John Delony?

  I believe with all my guts, you have the ability to change your entire family tree.

• 18:40Speaker 00

  That's the goal.

• 18:42Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. It starts with you believing you're worth changing it. It starts with you looking in the mirror and believing, "I'm part of a tree worth saving."

• 18:53Dr. John Delony?

  And we're in a world now that says, "You know what? None of these trees are worth saving. Let's burn them all to the ground." And I think that's insane.

• 18:59Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 19:01Dr. John Delony?

  I think you've done way too much hard work to just cash out. So game on, brother. Game on. Actually, and also hang on the line, I'll give you a year of Together app, too. I want you and your wife to use this app and it will give you a thing you can do for her, even when you're mad, even when you're frustrated, even when you're exhausted. It'll give you a thing you can do towards her and it'll give her a thing she can do towards you. Thanks for the call, my brother. We come back, a woman asks how to stay friendly without unintentionally sending the wrong messages to other men. We'll be right back.

• 19:35Dr. John Delony?

  All right, I've been talking about my love for poncho shirts for years. Here's what's been awesome over the last few months. I'm seeing men wearing poncho shirts everywhere. I'm seeing them on my buddies here at the office. I'm seeing them out in the wild. I'm seeing them on folks at church. I'm seeing them at my shows where people are coming and they're wearing poncho shirts. I'm seeing folks wearing poncho shirts everywhere. And what that means is, y'all are getting the message. Poncho shirts rule. I've been wearing them for years. If I'm on stage, if I'm traveling, if I'm out running around town, if I'm mowing the yard, if I'm fishing with my kids, I'm probably wearing poncho shirts. I've got one on right now. This studio I'm in is freezing, so I've got one of their winter shirts on.

• 20:20Dr. John Delony?

  But outside of the office where it's hot, I'm wearing the Poncho Originals and Ultralights all the time. Because they're light, they breathe, and they move with you, and they are super tough. I'm never worried about my poncho shirts. And here's the thing, I don't have to think about it. I just grab one and I go. So when people ask me if poncho shirts are worth it, I always say yes. And now I see y'all out in the world and y'all are getting the message. Poncho shirts are the best. For the men in your life, go to ponchooutdoors.com/deloney and check out all of their styles. Sign up with your email and you'll get 10 bucks off your first purchase. That's ponchooutdoors.com/deloney.

• 21:03Dr. John Delony?

  All right, here's me being completely honest. Up until a couple of years ago, I had no idea what brand of towels I used. I didn't know what kind of socks I bought. I had no idea where the sheets on my bed came from. And then I got my hands on Cozy Earth towels. And I was like, these are different and these are amazing. And then I got some Cozy Earth blankets. And then I got a Cozy Earth comforter. Then I got Cozy Earth socks. And I even got some Cozy Earth pants. And I gotta just tell you, I smile more in my home because my home feels warm and cozy because of all of this Cozy Earth gear. And you know what kind of sheets I use? I know the

• 21:46Dr. John Delony?

  name now. Cozy Earth Sheets. These are not normal sheets. They're made from viscose, from bamboo. They are soft. They are breathable. And somehow, they keep me cool without freezing me out. And they are amazing. Cozy Earth Sheets help me sleep better. And here's the deal. Cozy Earth will give you a 100-night sleep trial on all of their bedding, right? So on their comforters, their sheets, their blankets, and a 10-year warranty on everything else. Socks, pants, everything else. So there's no risk for you to try Cozy Earth for you and your family. Go to cozyleth.com/deloney and use code DELONY and you'll save up to 20% off your entire order. That's cozyleth.com/deloney and use code DELONY. And if you get a post-purchase survey,

• 22:29Dr. John Delony?

  tell Cozy Earth you heard about their amazing gear right here on this show.

• 22:35Dr. John Delony?

  All right, let's go out to Phoenix, Arizona, and talk to Jane. What's up, Jane?

• 22:41Speaker 02

  Hey, Dr. Deloney.

• 22:42Dr. John Delony?

  What's up?

• 22:43Speaker 02

  Hi, I'm super excited to talk to you and honored.

• 22:47Dr. John Delony?

  I'm excited to talk to you. What's going on?

• 22:49Speaker 02

  Well, I am naturally very friendly. And it's often interpreted as flirting. And it's created problems since my husband and I were dating. So I am wondering, how can I become more aware of the signals I'm sending and protect my marriage without losing the warm, friendly part of who I am?

• 23:11Dr. John Delony?

  Hmm. Tell me more about friendly versus flirting.

• 23:18Speaker 02

  Okay. Well, um, maybe just, I'll give you a little background.

• 23:23Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, because my head is like, I'm, I'm super kind and I write thank you cards. Or the other, the, the other side of me is like, all I do is like, lick the side of their face. That's it. Yeah, like so, and there's gotta be a middle ground, right? So what is, what is friendly to you that's seen by your husband and others as flirting?

• 23:47Speaker 02

  Okay, yeah. So had something recent. Um, my husband and I have been married for 10, almost 11 years next month.

• 23:56Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 23:56Speaker 02

  And we've got four incredible kids. And I feel like we've just barely been coming up for air.

• 24:04Dr. John Delony?

  You have.

• 24:05Speaker 02

  After this decade.

• 24:06Dr. John Delony?

  For sure. Yeah.

• 24:08Speaker 02

  So, um, but we, we just recently went on family vacation with our extended family. And I went shopping with one of my sister-in-laws. And we, I was gonna go buy a shirt and I went to the cashier. And just being the friendly person I am, I just said, hey, I heard they give 20% off for blondes today, like cute blondes. And I, I, I could tell that he was kind of like, huh? You know, like just taken aback. But he was like, oh, that's funny. And then just kind of went and was ringing me up. And then he goes, oh, it looks like $2 came

• 24:52Speaker 02

  off. And I was like, oh, man, thank you so much. And so just left while my sister-in-law was like, like, I would never think to do that. And she's like, I, he said, she kind of relayed the story to the rest of the family. And she's like, yeah, he kind of looked as if he didn't know if you were making a pass at him or flirting with him. She's like, but it's just the friendly you, you know? And so my husband brought it up later on. And, um, I have recently lost all the baby weight. So I'm feeling kind of confident in myself. And

• 25:31Speaker 02

  then I'm also getting a mommy makeover in a couple of months. And so he just said, you know, I'm, I'm feeling like you, you're kind of back to your old self. You've lost the weight. We're gonna do this big surgery soon. I'm worried that your friendliness is gonna kind of be like it was when we were dating. And you're gonna give guys the wrong impression. And it's gonna put our, our marriage in a predicament.

• 26:02Dr. John Delony?

  Ooh, yikes.

• 26:03Speaker 02

  I know.

• 26:04Dr. John Delony?

  I don't, I personally, now again, if you had like a real low-cut shirt on and you were leaning over the counter, and

• 26:12Speaker 02

  Right?

• 26:12Dr. John Delony?

  like, and you were like, like licking your lips when you're talking to this dude? Maybe. But what you just, the way you just explained that to me, didn't sound flirty at all. Sounds like a girl trying to get a discount.

• 26:24Speaker 02

  Okay. And that's what I thought. But I, there were things like when we were dating. And so

• 26:31Dr. John Delony?

  Tell me, but again, A, that's 11 years ago.

• 26:35Speaker 02

  Right?

• 26:36Dr. John Delony?

  But tell me what they were. Tell me, tell me, tell me some things that your husband called out 11 years ago that he was uncomfortable with.

• 26:44Speaker 02

  Yeah. So like, one, one thing was, I worked as a paralegal and had, you know, tons of people in our law firm working with us. And I became friends with some of the people there. And one of the guys, I was very friendly with him and just kind of joked, kind of like, I thought like a brother. But he said to one of the guys, like, man, I think she's into me. I think I'm gonna ask her out. And the guy was like, whoa, uh, she's, she's about to get engaged. Like, she's not interested in you, promise. And he's like, no, she totally seems like she is. And it caused him to be like, totally hurt. And then, you know, relate

• 27:29Speaker 02

  it to my boyfriend at the time, but my husband now. And he was like, whoa, like, what's going on? And then, um, had another instance with a coworker where he wasn't feeling well. And we, I said to my boyfriend, I was like, I, I, I think I'll make him cookies or something. And he's like, why would you make a guy cookies when you're dating me? You know, it just was, so I don't know if it's just like me being naive and like, or if it's me just being a people pleaser and wanting to make everybody happy. But it, it just has come off as flirting

• 28:09Speaker 02

  a lot of times. And usually, I don't recognize it until after the fact.

• 28:16Dr. John Delony?

  I am, and have been for most of my adult life. A, like, I have a reputation for being pretty kind, and B, pretty sarcastic. And also, um, I'm a flirty guy, too. And I had, I like, had to put the hard brakes on it several years ago.

• 28:35Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 28:36Dr. John Delony?

  And I have to also be honest that I did like the warmth and the attention.

• 28:45Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 28:45Dr. John Delony?

  It was both and. And I also had to be honest in reflection that I knew how to string a conversation a little bit longer.

• 28:56Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 28:57Dr. John Delony?

  Fair?

• 28:58Speaker 02

  Fair. Totally fair.

• 29:00Dr. John Delony?

  And my fear for you is that that warmth and that's, that attention

• 29:09Dr. John Delony?

  becomes something that tells you that you've got value and you've got worth. Or that may be missing from your relationship with your husband.

• 29:20Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 29:21Dr. John Delony?

  And that's

• 29:21Speaker 02

  I think that's my fear.

• 29:23Dr. John Delony?

  Well, I, I think you're over analyzing it. It just isn't is or it isn't isn't. Because if underneath it all is, I got, I'm married to a pretty cold guy.

• 29:33Speaker 02

  No.

• 29:34Dr. John Delony?

  I, it feels messy to me.

• 29:38Speaker 02

  Yeah. Well, I think it just blindsided me because we've really had no issue, especially with my friendliness. I think it's actually a strength of mine. And I think that's why he married me. I do. I, I think he likes that I, I can talk to anybody and really kind and just empathetic with everyone. But, um, and I, and there honestly hasn't been anything until now, where it's like, oh, I've lost the baby weight. And now we're entering kind of this new phase that he's brought this up. Like, there hasn't been any issue. And so it just kind of blindsided me because I thought, man, have I not proven myself for

• 30:22Speaker 02

  the past decade that there's no issue?

• 30:24Dr. John Delony?

  The, the, the part of me that's cringing inside right now, and again, I'm, I'm speaking without being very thoughtful. I'm just speaking kind of stream of consciousness here, is that he's created a world where he feels safe when you feel less confident.

• 30:39Speaker 02

  Right.

• 30:40Dr. John Delony?

  And I don't like that.

• 30:42Speaker 02

  I don't either.

• 30:43Dr. John Delony?

  Um, and especially if you haven't been cheating on him, if you haven't been, whatever. And to bring up things that hap, in what, I'm trusting you 100% here, misunderstandings that happened. Or maybe you were flirting with a guy, or you liked his warmth, or you did like extra, extra giggle at his jokes, or what, I don't, I don't know how women flirt. But like, you know, I'm talking about, like, in retrospect, you can go, yeah, I was basking in it and I liked it. And I can totally see how in any other situation, he would have thought I was kind of into him. If you, if you can retro that 10 freaking years ago, 11 years ago, and no, I'm not, I don't want to be that person, then that's awesome. That's growth.

• 31:24Dr. John Delony?

  But I have a sick feeling in my stomach that your husband has made peace with. I like my wife when she doesn't think she's attractive and when she's not confident. That's when I feel safer in my relationship. Man, that, I don't, that didn't sit well with me at all. What, what would he say if he was on the phone? If he was to call in and say, my wife wants to get, um, and I'm assuming it's like the tummy tuck and the, and the breast augmentation, I like you. Like you, you wanna, you wanna get it all back, right? And what would he call and say, hey, my wife wants to do these things and I'm nervous that? What would he say?

• 31:59Speaker 02

  I don't, just the attention that I'm gonna get. But that's the thing is I'm, I'm a very modest girl. Like I've, I'm not one to flaunt my stuff.

• 32:12Speaker 02

  I don't know. So I'm just, I don't know why, I don't know what he would say. I think, I wonder if it comes, because we started, when we started dating, um, when he came into the picture, I actually had a guy that I was dating at the same time.

• 32:26Dr. John Delony?

  Mm-hmm.

• 32:27Speaker 02

  And he was kind of my parents' pick.

• 32:31Dr. John Delony?

  Your husband was or this other dude?

• 32:33Speaker 02

  This other dude, my parents' pick.

• 32:35Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 32:36Speaker 02

  And, and my husband was my pick. And I had a hard time letting go of the other guy because I didn't wanna hurt him and just kind of was playing both sides.

• 32:50Dr. John Delony?

  Sure.

• 32:51Speaker 02

  And, and so, and then of course I, I ended it with the other guy, but it was hard for me. And I think, I, I don't know if it like stems from that more so than just like the flirting that, I don't, I don't know, but.

• 33:08Dr. John Delony?

  The situation as you, as you outlined it at the store recently with your sister-in-law feels like gaslighting 101. I, I can't wrap my head around that being flirting, but again, I didn't see you, right? So if I had watched you with, with no volume on, maybe, but I just, has you described it to me? It sounds silly. You know what I mean?

• 33:31Speaker 02

  I thought so too.

• 33:32Dr. John Delony?

  Um, my bigger concern for you is that somehow you've backed yourself into a corner where your initial response doesn't count as much as everybody else's initial response.

• 33:44Speaker 02

  Hmm, I never thought of it in that way.

• 33:47Dr. John Delony?

  And so there's something that's happened over the course of your relationships that has allowed you, or has backed you into a corner, or you've walked into a corner where, like, my wife regularly, especially in the past, would say, "Hey, watch out for so-and-so." And I would be, or "Watch out for that person." And I'd be like, "Whatever." She was right 100% of the time. And so what I've learned over the, and that's not just with like somebody's into you. That is, "Hey, there's about to be a fight here. We need to go." And I'd be like, "There's no, we're fine." We're like, when I was just a big block-headed moron. And every time I ignored her, there was an issue.

• 34:31Dr. John Delony?

  And so I, I've learned, I, I miss stuff. I miss it. In big social groups and, and interactions, I can be on a complete one train of thought and completely miss that somebody else is picking something else up.

• 34:48Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 34:48Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, so I've learned to outsource that. I trust my wife implicitly. And she also has learned to trust me implicitly, like, "Oh, he doesn't see that." Right? He doesn't see this guy eyeballing him, "There's about to be a problem here." You get what I'm saying? And so, like.

• 35:13Speaker 02

  Well, maybe, maybe that's the big issue is, I trust him implicitly.

• 35:18Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 35:18Speaker 02

  I don't think he trusts me.

• 35:20Dr. John Delony?

  That's the conversation y'all need to have.

• 35:23Speaker 02

  Okay, 'cause I'm like, man, how, what, what, what more can I do?

• 35:28Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, and if he's holding you hostage for stuff that happened before y'all were dating, or right when y'all started dating, 11 years ago, four kids ago, that's a problem.

• 35:39Speaker 02

  Okay. I didn't even know how to bring that up.

• 35:44Dr. John Delony?

  Tension's the doorway, right through the middle of it. I, I, I would start it with stories you're making up. That's the gentlest, most vulnerable way to enter into a hard conversation.

• 35:56Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 35:56Dr. John Delony?

  You said this the other day, and the story I'm choosing to make up is, the story I'm making up is, the only way you feel safe in this, in this relationship is if I don't feel confident.

• 36:09Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 36:10Dr. John Delony?

  The story I'm making up is, if I feel good in my own skin, that you are then gonna go back to old and secure you. The story I'm making up is, basic human kindness has somehow been co-opted into, into, people think I'm flirting all the time.

• 36:41Speaker 02

  I can do that.

• 36:42Dr. John Delony?

  And let him respond to those stories.

• 36:46Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 36:48Dr. John Delony?

  And then there will be some compromise, there's always some, like, "Yeah, I get that." I get my impulse, like, and I'm speaking as though I'm you. My impulse is, if there's, anybody's not feeling well, my impulse is, I'm gonna make them cookies and soup and take it over. I also understand that to some people who may be interested in me, doing that would send a signal that I don't wanna send, so I'm not gonna do that.

• 37:15Speaker 02

  Right.

• 37:17Dr. John Delony?

  Or if your husband says, "That makes me abjectly uncomfortable," then you get to choose. Okay, fair. I choose not making you uncomfortable versus, um, doing this other thing.

• 37:32Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 37:35Dr. John Delony?

  But again, it's, it's, it's a balance, right?

• 37:39Speaker 02

  Right, and I think is, I'm just like, I would never do anything to jeopardize our marriage, our family, and I just, I don't know how to help him believe that.

• 37:50Dr. John Delony?

  Have you said that to him?

• 37:52Speaker 02

  I have, and I, I said it to him in the moment that he shared this with me. And so, but I don't, I don't know if there's some, you know, some inner demons for him and that we just, I thought that we had put to rest. But now that this more confident me is coming out, it's, it's bringing it up again.

• 38:17Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 38:20Speaker 02

  So.

• 38:21Dr. John Delony?

  I hate it for you.

• 38:25Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 38:26Dr. John Delony?

  I hate it for you. 'Cause in a perfect world, he would sit down with you and say, "Hey, the best part of my life, the best thing for me, for these kids, for you, is a fully confident you. A you that feels amazing in her own skin." And the story I'm telling myself is, "I'm not enough for you. I've never been enough for you. I'm afraid you're gonna go seeking enoughness from other people." That'd be a dream, if he had that language. And let you respond to it. 'Cause then underneath that, you can get to, okay, what, what would enoughness look like? What would that, what would that be?

• 39:07Speaker 02

  Okay. I like that.

• 39:11Dr. John Delony?

  But yeah, there's, there's been some sort of weird dynamic that's, that's emerged over, like you said, coming up for air. Four kids in 10 years, there's a lot of humans running around, a lot of human creating, and a lot of humans everywhere. There is a natural turning of the page. Now we have a new, brand-new marriage, we have four kids. Been married a little over a decade. What do we want this marriage to look like? And I don't want any marriage built on one person being uncomfortable and, and discontent in their own skin so that somebody else can feel more empowered. I want both people to figure out how they can be the best versions of themselves so they can step into this marriage and see and know and celebrate each other.

• 39:56Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, you've got some tough conversations ahead and I'm hoping it's a big misunderstanding. My gut tells me it's a deeper issue.

• 40:05Dr. John Delony?

  So best of luck to you. And if he wants to call in, if y'all both want to call back in, I'd love to have you both on. We'll get you right through because I'd love to hear his side of the story. But yeah, the tension's a doorway on this one. Head into those hard conversations. And best of luck to you. When we come back, a man asks how to build back financially after being a victim of domestic violence and financial abuse.

• 40:28Dr. John Delony?

  This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Hey, my friends, at BetterHelp just released their annual state of stigma report. It's full of all sorts of data about why so many people avoid getting help for their mental and emotional health challenges. And here's a data point that stood out to me. More than three out of four Americans reported anxiety or depression symptoms over the previous two weeks. If that's you and you're carrying stress, anxiety, or depression, or symptoms of those things, just talking to someone can help more than you could ever imagine. I want you to try BetterHelp. BetterHelp is an online therapy platform that matches you with one of their 30,000 plus licensed therapists based on your goals and preferences. It's easy and it's convenient. You can message your therapist

• 41:11Dr. John Delony?

  and schedule sessions right in the platform. And if the first therapist you're matched with isn't the right fit, you can switch at any time for no extra cost. Don't let stigma stand in the way of support. Visit betterhelp.com/daloni and get 10% off. That's betterhelp, H E L P, dot com slash daloni.

• 41:32Dr. John Delony?

  All right. So Kelly and I were talking off air and we got to, we got to bring this

• 41:38Dr. John Delony?

  conversation in front of everybody. So, all right. So I, I think I would, again, I know how to like cut the roll of Chips Ahoy and like put them in little balls and it makes cookies, but I don't know how to make cookies. But I think that's just what I would do. If I had a coworker who wasn't feeling good, I would want people to feel better.

• 42:00Speaker 03

  And, you know, when we were talking off air, and I don't, I'm totally admitting, I don't have a valid reason for this.

• 42:06Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 42:07Speaker 03

  If somebody's had surgery or they're sick or something, I have no problem making a meal for someone. I do that. I don't have a problem with that.

• 42:17Dr. John Delony?

  But it's the cookies.

• 42:18Speaker 03

  But for some reason, bringing in like, I made this for you.

• 42:23Dr. John Delony?

  But the way you said that, you kind of like moved your shoulders. You're like, I made this for you.

• 42:27Speaker 03

  Marilyn Monroe here, you know, singing, Happy Birthday, Mr. President. But I don't know, there's something weird. I remember we have a Eric that works here. Years ago, when he and I used to sit next to each other and he was single and a woman that worked here made him cookies. And he was like, she's so nice. And I was like, she likes you.

• 42:49Speaker 03

  He was like, no, she was just being nice. And I was like, no woman spends her Sunday night or whatever, making cookies for some guy that she just thinks is nice. They're married with four kids now. So it was right on that one.

• 43:02Dr. John Delony?

  So, okay, so I can say I was wrong on the cookie thing. Cause I, I, I'm following your logic. It would be, like, it's not weird to send a meal. It's not weird to send over ice cream. It would be weird if I sent flowers.

• 43:18Speaker 03

  Yeah. And when you sent ice cream, you sent ice cream to me and my family because we were going through some hard things. And you sent ice cream for, for everyone. I didn't let them have any, but it's totally different.

• 43:29Dr. John Delony?

  I knew that. Yeah.

• 43:35Dr. John Delony?

  I feel like we're on Pulp Fiction talking about the foot rub conversation.

• 43:39Speaker 03

  It is.

• 43:40Dr. John Delony?

  Like you can do a back rub, you can't do a foot rub.

• 43:42Speaker 03

  You can't do a foot rub. It's, it's one of those, and there's no reason why the lines are where they are.

• 43:46Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 43:47Speaker 03

  They just are.

• 43:48Dr. John Delony?

  But I feel like I need to know this. Am I sending something over?

• 43:53Dr. John Delony?

  So that I get the extra wink on Monday? Am I sending something over?

• 43:59Dr. John Delony?

  Because it's the right thing to do and I, somebody's hurting and I want them to hurt a little bit less? Or am I, do I like the attention I'm going to get after I do that thing? That might be attention I'm not getting other places.

• 44:13Speaker 03

  Right. There's, you've got to figure out the, the reasonings behind it. Cause I'm not going to lie. If I was going someplace and I thought I could get a discount, probably ask to.

• 44:22Dr. John Delony?

  I'm trying to think if my wife did that, I would think that was hilarious, especially if you got some money off of it.

• 44:25Speaker 03

  My husband would find that funny. But, you know, I remember also being in my twenties, being single and, you know, you'd wear something that was going to get you attention at the bar. So you didn't have to buy drinks.

• 44:33Dr. John Delony?

  Right, right, right.

• 44:34Speaker 03

  So it's just all, what's the motive behind it?

• 44:38Dr. John Delony?

  And then I do, this isn't popular, but you do have to take into account when you're married, like your partner's comfort level and them saying, hey, this makes me uncomfortable. And because I love you and I love us, I'm going to choose your comfort over my whatever.

• 44:57Speaker 03

  Would you do that same behavior if your spouse was sitting there?

• 45:02Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 45:03Speaker 03

  I think that's a good way to think about it. If your spouse was there, would you still act the same? Because if you wouldn't, then that's probably an issue.

• 45:10Dr. John Delony?

  That's, I like that. I like that.

• 45:14Dr. John Delony?

  I will say the other night at the strike concert, I would have not have danced like that with my wife there. Not because of anything suggestive, but just because she would have been super annoyed because I don't know how to dance very well.

• 45:25Speaker 03

  Actually, you weren't bad. Again.

• 45:26Dr. John Delony?

  I'm pretty bad.

• 45:27Speaker 03

  Wasn't bad.

• 45:27Dr. John Delony?

  Wasn't bad.

• 45:28Speaker 03

  You were a little, a little, a lot.

• 45:32Dr. John Delony?

  That's.

• 45:32Speaker 03

  And I did have to hold your shirt hem down at one point.

• 45:36Dr. John Delony?

  I'm telling you, my shirt was taking itself off because that band was so good.

• 45:41Dr. John Delony?

  They were so good. It was taking itself off. I don't even know what to say. It was incredible. But, but like, I know her and like when I'm a lot, that makes her feel like everybody's looking at us and that's her worst nightmare. So I'm not a lot because I like spending time with her and I want her to feel comfortable. Right? And so, yeah, what a mess. That's a messy situation.

• 46:04Dr. John Delony?

  Let's go out to Denver, Colorado and talk to Jeremy. What's up, Jeremy?

• 46:09Speaker 04

  Hey, Dr. Naloni, longtime listener. Let's have some nachos.

• 46:12Dr. John Delony?

  Let's do it, brother. Come on down. Let's get some nachos, man. What's up?

• 46:17Speaker 04

  Hey, my question is, how do I build my confidence and financial stability after being a victim of domestic violence and financial abuse?

• 46:24Dr. John Delony?

  Yo, what happened?

• 46:26Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah. Um, yeah, here's where the nachos come in. Um, now some backstory. Uh, in mid 2023, I was on a dating app, um, probably red flag number one, but, um, met a woman there who, at the surface, everything seemed fine. Um, but, um, it seemed like she was hiding something. She told me that she was living in between living situations in her car and a hotel. Um, eventually found out a little bit more that, um, she had borderline personality disorder diagnosed as well as bipolar disorder and two up in court cases where, uh, she had, uh, stabbed her mom and next husband. Um, by the time I found all that out, all of her stuff was moved in my house. Um, and yeah. And so, um, uh, for

• 47:09Speaker 04

  months, like she would spiral, sometimes till 6:00 AM. She would throw things, she would scream, um, hitting herself and, um, hitting me. Um, it was intense. And, um, prior to, um, uh, my, I'm in the military and prior to being in military, I, um, was in the best living situation myself. So I, um, kind of, you know, let her in and, um, helped her. Um, but during that time it got bad and I went to my command and, um, let them know. Immediately they seemed like they thought it was me. Um, and my supervisors backed me up and knew my character. So that helped. But then I felt like I was on my own after, after that. So, um, when it came down to it, uh, I felt like, hey, I let this

• 47:54Speaker 04

  person in my house. I'm the one that let my boundaries down and let them, uh, move in. So I need to figure this out. Um, whenever they were attacking me, I sort of kind of ignored it. But then when they started attacking my friends, I had some friends stay over and they got attacked. That's when I sprung into action, called the cops. Um, for about nine months or so, the cops didn't really do anything. Um, and so I had to take matters in my own hands, pay for an apartment while I was also paying for a mortgage. During that time too, uh, when I was living with her, she would take my credit cards and spend $2,000, $3,000 at a time. Um, and I felt like I had to fawn just to kind of appease her. Um, eventually she got arrested, um, and charged, uh, for a second offense, again

• 48:36Speaker 04

  with, uh, some of my friends and then getting attacked. And, um, I'm finally safe now. I got two restraining orders against her. Um, I was able to get some therapy with, uh, with the compensation fund, um, and get that, uh, to understand, you know, how my past was and how I let that happen. Uh, but right now I'm, um, struggling with aftermath, uh, totaling about $220,000 in debt, um, between credit cards, mortgage arrears, um, installment loans. And.

• 49:06Dr. John Delony?

  220 grand?

• 49:09Speaker 04

  Yeah, man.

• 49:10Dr. John Delony?

  This is all her?

• 49:12Speaker 04

  Yeah, many, a lot of it. Um, some of it is.

• 49:15Dr. John Delony?

  Does that include your mortgage?

• 49:17Speaker 04

  That includes, yeah. Well, no, that does not include my mortgage, but mortgage arrears. So, uh, 32,000 in mortgage arrears, 75,000 in credit cards.

• 49:26Dr. John Delony?

  $75,000 in credit cards she ran up?

• 49:31Speaker 04

  Yeah, it was partly that, her, partly me having to lean on my credit cards when I had to protect myself and, and live in an apartment, um, and also pay for my mortgage.

• 49:42Dr. John Delony?

  So. So you're telling me that when you called the police and said, this woman is violent, this is my home, I want her out of here, they just said, sorry?

• 49:50Speaker 04

  Yeah, they, they tried to make contact, didn't make contact. Because they didn't make contact, they benthor. Um, I was told, uh, couldn't hold the detective every time I called. Um, and then I was told that they were undermanned, uh, Denver police. So, yeah.

• 50:07Dr. John Delony?

  God, dude, I, I would be tempted to file a lawsuit against them for the, for the cost of damages.

• 50:13Speaker 04

  I thought about it. I thought about it. Yeah.

• 50:15Dr. John Delony?

  Because you, I mean, you were clear. And if you could, if you could go through your phone records and say, I called y'all this many times. I called the detective 27 times to stop this behavior and they never did.

• 50:27Speaker 04

  Yeah. That's a big portion of that apartment, uh, me having to protect myself, um, me having to move everything out. Um.

• 50:35Dr. John Delony?

  I, that would be my first instinct, that to sit down with an attorney and see if you even have a case there.

• 50:41Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 50:45Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 50:49Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, this just sounds like a miserable, awful situation because it's easy for me to be like, dude, why didn't you just cut off your credit card? Why did you just kick her out?

• 50:57Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 50:57Dr. John Delony?

  But I guess if-

• 50:58Speaker 04

  And the boundaries were, and I, I felt that way too. And you know, during the situation, uh, it was so intense that I was like, I just fawned. I just was like, okay, I'm going to, um, I'm gonna do this so that way I don't pee or whatever. Uh, that's uh-

• 51:14Dr. John Delony?

  So part of the, part of the challenge you have in front of you is, is twofold. Number one, it's learning

• 51:24Dr. John Delony?

  this will never happen again.

• 51:26Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 51:26Dr. John Delony?

  Because I value my dignity and worth. So if I meet somebody and they move in, and that day I found out they violently tried to stab two different people, I will, they will move out that day.

• 51:39Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 51:40Dr. John Delony?

  I will personally have my friends over, we'll move their stuff into the, into the street.

• 51:44Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 51:45Dr. John Delony?

  Right? And here's the other thing you've got to wrestle with.

• 51:49Dr. John Delony?

  This whole thing can make you real, real hard.

• 51:53Speaker 04

  Mm-hmm.

• 51:55Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 51:56Dr. John Delony?

  And that hardness will not serve you well with connected, deep intimate relationships.

• 52:05Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 52:05Dr. John Delony?

  And so it's gonna be a continual balance. Why am I telling you this? Because it's just gonna be uncomfortable for a season.

• 52:12Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 52:14Dr. John Delony?

  And so it, it, it's

• 52:17Dr. John Delony?

  man.

• 52:20Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, it's, it's gonna be, it's gonna be tough. It's gonna be a, uh, it's, it's kinda like waking up and I've sat with folks who found themselves like, I just kinda opened my eyes and I'd gained 125 pounds.

• 52:34Dr. John Delony?

  Well, it happened over a period of time and happened through some dark seasons and through some unintentional seasons and some really stressful seasons. And so I'm gonna have to be, it's not all gonna come off in a day.

• 52:45Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 52:46Dr. John Delony?

  I'm gonna have to take a whole bunch of really intentional, direct steps through hard seasons, through stressful seasons, through joyful seasons to regain the health and fitness that I once had. Right? And so you're gonna have to find yourself there.

• 53:01Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 53:02Dr. John Delony?

  And that starts with you keeping your promises to yourself. So here's what I want you to do. I want you to write a letter to you and on the date that she moved in.

• 53:16Dr. John Delony?

  And I want you to write a letter to that guy and let him know you forgive him.

• 53:23Dr. John Delony?

  You love him and you have gone through the steps to, um, never let this happen again because you remember how scared he was and you remember how bewildered he was and you remember how alone he felt when the police didn't, like when he kept calling and calling and calling and calling and his friends were getting assaulted. He was getting assaulted with somebody who has like attempted murder raps already. Right? So

• 53:44Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 53:44Dr. John Delony?

  It's, it's calling that guy and letting him know things weren't okay then. I've done and I'm continuing to do the work now so this never happens again.

• 53:56Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 53:56Dr. John Delony?

  And I'm not gonna let the work be, I just build a humongous, thick brick wall so nobody ever gets into my spirit and soul again. It's, I'm gonna be in charge. I'm gonna be a good gatekeeper.

• 54:08Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 54:09Dr. John Delony?

  But then I'm gonna seek relational softness on the other side. I'm not gonna let this make me callous and hard.

• 54:16Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 54:19Dr. John Delony?

  And yeah, I, brother, I, I'd call an attorney and see. If you can document everything you told me.

• 54:25Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 54:25Dr. John Delony?

  Here's all the phone calls. Here's the reports. Here's the assault charges. Here's all the times I tried to call the detective and your outgoing phone records will have every one of those things.

• 54:34Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 54:38Speaker 04

  Yeah, that's, and I've thought about that and I, um, I've reached out to the resources like, um, you know, victim advocacy, the, um, different resource there, I will for people that are, um, victims of domestic violence. A lot of them, um-

• 54:53Dr. John Delony?

  They don't talk to men sometimes.

• 54:55Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah. Well, yeah.

• 54:56Dr. John Delony?

  And they don't want to talk to veteran men either.

• 54:59Speaker 04

  Yeah, a lot of my forms all, all had the, you know, the pronouns she-

• 55:02Dr. John Delony?

  Yep.

• 55:03Speaker 04

  Um, when they gave it to me because it's default, right? Um, but, uh, she had already had some type of, um, coordination with them previously because she always felt wronged, um, at times, um, from previous cases. So they said that because they've handled some stuff with her before, they couldn't talk to me or-

• 55:21Dr. John Delony?

  Sure.

• 55:22Speaker 04

  Or something like that. So, um, but I, those are just free resources. Um, I can reach out to other attorneys and I, I haven't done that yet, but, um, I have a lot of it, everything documented, so.

• 55:33Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. I mean, I think it's worth exploring and if, let's, let's play this out worst case scenario.

• 55:38Speaker 04

  Right.

• 55:39Dr. John Delony?

  You have $220,000, you gotta muscle up and pay off.

• 55:42Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 55:44Dr. John Delony?

  That's the worst. And we'll sit in that for 24 hours and then we gotta get a game plan and we gotta get after it.

• 55:49Speaker 04

  Amen. Yeah.

• 55:51Dr. John Delony?

  And so we're not gonna lose our house first. So we're gonna take care of the arrears first.

• 55:56Dr. John Delony?

  And we're going to call each one of the, uh, um, credit card companies and we're gonna send a copy of her arrest record to them and say that I wanna settle these and I wanna close them.

• 56:08Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 56:08Dr. John Delony?

  And see if they'll settle with you. They may not, but they may.

• 56:14Dr. John Delony?

  And did you, as part of her arrest, did you mention the financial crimes? She stole your credit card and would run it up?

• 56:20Speaker 04

  I did mention it. I'm not the detective, um, like, I, I'm assuming it was recorded and everything like that, but I'm not sure if it's in the police record, but I'll get a copy of the full police record.

• 56:30Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. Um, you may call a social worker in your local area because every state has different laws when it comes to this stuff and support, but you may call a social worker in your area and see if there's any sort of support they can walk with you through the system because you may have to navigate a maze of resources here.

• 56:46Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 56:50Dr. John Delony?

  And I'd probably put a freeze on my credit so that in case she has your credit card number, in case, I mean, your social security number, whatever, she can't go open new cards with your name on it.

• 57:02Speaker 04

  That's a good point, yeah.

• 57:07Dr. John Delony?

  Man, I hate this for you. But here's, here's the, here's the path. We're gonna, we're gonna make sure we got four walls. We're gonna make sure we got, um, a place to live. We got transportation to get to and from work. We're gonna take care of, of food and utilities and we're gonna make sure we got clothes to wear.

• 57:23Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 57:24Dr. John Delony?

  Like, we're gonna make sure those four things and then the credit card companies will get their money after that. But I'm not gonna lose my house.

• 57:32Dr. John Delony?

  Unless selling your house clears this whole thing for you.

• 57:36Speaker 04

  Not from what I saw, like the, um, house values kinda went down, though they're building a school next to my house, so it might help bring the value up later, but-

• 57:44Dr. John Delony?

  If you have enough equity in your house to sell it and move into a one bedroom apartment for two years and clear every one of these debts, I would probably do that.

• 57:51Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 57:55Dr. John Delony?

  And you, you, of, of course, you would never wanna find yourself here. What lesson did you learn? Give me two lessons you learned.

• 58:03Speaker 04

  Um, boundaries. Um, uh, I learned that, you know, uh, especially through therapy, like the living situation I had prior to the military, um, I didn't have any running water, no like cockroaches. It was bad, right? But I learned that living in that situation made me feel like the people that I love, um, I don't, I can go without, right? And then I, now I can draw a line and say, hey, need to put yourself first. Everything is first. Put money in your savings, put everything, like, everything is first. And so now I've, I've learned, um, significantly, um, that

• 58:43Speaker 04

  that just even if I was in that situation, I wouldn't, I wouldn't be, um, putting myself first, um, just drawing the lines, making sure that I'm, um, you know, putting, putting my mask on before I put someone else's mask on.

• 58:57Dr. John Delony?

  There you go. There's a strange, there's a strange, um, morality to being in service to yourself first so that you can go serve everybody else.

• 59:08Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 59:09Dr. John Delony?

  Right? And it sounds counterintuitive and in fact, it, it almost sounds counterintuitive. Anything we've ever been taught is if you're in service to yourself, it's because you're selfish, because you're, um, egotistical or whatever word you wanna put on there. I am no good to my wife and to my kids and to my coworkers if I'm not first taking care of me so they can anchor into me. Right?

• 59:30Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 59:31Dr. John Delony?

  And so that sounds backwards, um, but I gotta make sure I'm all right so that I can spend the rest of my life giving myself away to other people. And

• 59:40Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 59:41Dr. John Delony?

  So yeah, good on you, brother. But there's, there's, until you make peace with that guy that let her move in knowing she shouldn't be moving in here.

• 59:48Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 59:49Dr. John Delony?

  I want you to write him a letter and if you're a real gangster, if, like, if you've got some guys in your life that have been through this with you, read it to them.

• 59:57Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 59:57Dr. John Delony?

  Read it out loud in front of them, share it with them.

• 1:00:00Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:00:01Dr. John Delony?

  Even if they roll their eyes at you and they're like, ooh, just say, hey, I need to share, I need to share this with some guys. Some goofball podcaster told me to, to share grief. And so get it out there and let that kid off the hook and then be about keeping your promises to yourself. And then you got a $220,000 hole to dig yourself out of. It's not gonna be pretty and it's not gonna be quick, but we're gonna slowly take some steps there.

• 1:00:23Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:00:24Dr. John Delony?

  And in the meantime, we're not gonna lose ourself. We're not gonna become hard and calloused and angry and enraged at the rest of the world because one person hurt us real, real bad.

• 1:00:35Dr. John Delony?

  Right?

• 1:00:37Speaker 04

  Thank you.

• 1:00:37Dr. John Delony?

  It's been an honor to talk to you. Thank you for your service, my brother, and thank you for, um,

• 1:00:42Dr. John Delony?

  being a man who looks in the mirror first and then goes and gets the help that he needs. And I hate that the community resources that you pay taxes into didn't come up and support you. Um, when somebody was hurting you, hurting your friends, hurting you financially and on and making your home an unsafe place to be. Um, I hate that for you. Hate it, hate it, hate it for you.

• 1:01:06Dr. John Delony?

  Thanks for calling, brother. We'll be right back.

• 1:01:09Dr. John Delony?

  Hey, it's Deloney for Hallow. What could you accomplish in 90 days? In three months? Could you get in shape? Uh, could you lose weight? Could you change your marriage? Could you just, I don't know, re-roof the house? Could you play games with your kids and change your relationship with them? You can do so much in 90 days. And that's why I want you to try Hallow for 90 days for free. Hallow is the number one Christian prayer and meditation app in the world, and it's one of the most important things I do to start almost every single day. Anchoring myself in my faith allows me to slow down and prioritize what matters before the world explodes every single day. Hallow will give you 90 days for free to do the same, to build a habit of reflection and prayer.

• 1:01:53Dr. John Delony?

  Hallow is simple, and it's guided, and it meets you where you are to help you anchor your faith practice with daily reflections, scripture, music, special series, most importantly, peace. Ask yourself, who do you want to be 90 days from now? And what do you want to have done in 90 days? If you want more peace, or if you want to be more grounded in your faith, I want you to give Hallow a try. Try Hallow for free for 90 days at hallow.com/Deloney. That's three months for free at hallow.com/Deloney.

• 1:02:24Dr. John Delony?

  All right, Kelly, what you want to talk about?

• 1:02:27Speaker 03

  So I have a question about the Together app.

• 1:02:29Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 1:02:30Speaker 03

  One of the things that we hear about, that we hear from husbands, is that they want to show up in their marriage, but they have no idea how. So how can the app help with that?

• 1:02:41Dr. John Delony?

  It, it takes the guesswork away. It gives them from a, a big bank of activities that they can do one a day, two a day, towards their spouse. And the beauty of it is, is there's, it, it lets, it provides scripts for your spouse to, um, respond back to you. I really like this. Thank you for that. And you can note that in the app, and it will circulate that one more often than not. And if your spouse doesn't like one, or if it goes terribly, right? Like, dance for two minutes in the living room, and your spouse is like, "You're a terrible dancer. Don't touch me." Um, then hopefully, you may have bigger issues in your marriage. If that's the case, app can't help with that. But, um, you could say, "Didn't go well," and it won't serve that one up to you anymore.

• 1:03:24Dr. John Delony?

  So it just is a action-oriented, "Here you go." And, um, also it gives you scripts for the weekly rundown, like the weekly check-in. What's our calendar? Let's put some intimacy on the calendar. Let's put some budget stuff on the calendar. Um, and it also has, like, the playbooks for communication, the playbooks for conflict. All that stuff is in there. So, yeah, if you're a husband and you're like, "Dude, I need something, because what I'm doing is not working," check out the Together app. Download it in the Apple Store. Um, it will give you a roadmap back to your spouse. Thanks for, thanks for being with us today, Kelly, as always.

• 1:04:07Dr. John Delony?

  As the great Kelly once said, "Don't make cookies for that guy." I don't know why, just, just don't.