Pod Insights The Rewatchables ‘Ace Ventura: Pet Detective’ With Bill Simmons, Zach Lowe, and Craig Horlbeck About this episode If Bill, Zach, and Craig aren’t back in 5 minutes… just wait longer. The guys head down to Miami to investigate Jim Carrey’s breakout film ‘Ace Ventura: Pet Detective’ also starring Courtney Cox, Sean Young, and Tone Loc.
Producers: Craig Horlbeck, Chia Hao Tat, Eduardo Ocampo, and Matt Pevic
Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Transcript 22,160 words · 5 speakers
Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.
0:00 Bill Simmons? This episode is brought to by Angry Orchard Hard Cider. Halloween's just better with a scary movie and something good to drink. Angry Orchard's limited edition glow-in-the-dark thriller variety pack is the perfect companion. It even includes a mystery flavor can featuring the iconic ghost face from Scream. Don't get angry, get orchard this Halloween. Find Angry Orchard in a store near you or visit angryorchard.com. Angry Orchard, cider company, LLC. Angryorchard.com. Please drink responsibly. Angry Orchard is a hard cider with other natural flavors. This episode is brought to by Ethos. As a parent, life insurance feels like a no-brainer.
0:42 Bill Simmons? It just gives me peace of mind knowing my family will be taken care of. And Ethos makes getting it fast and easy. Apply online in minutes. Get up to 3 million in coverage with no medical exam, just a few simple health questions. Take 10 minutes to get covered today with life insurance through Ethos. Get your free quote at ethos.com/rewatch. That is E-T-H-O-S dot com slash rewatch. Application times may vary, rates may vary.
1:17 Bill Simmons? The Rewatchables brought to by The Ringer Podcast Network, where you can find The Ringer Fantasy Football Show with Craig Hornbeck, You're Also at the End of the Town with Matt Bellany, and you're on this podcast as well, you produce it. Every once in a while, we bring you in as a host. It's a big day. Zach Lowe's first Rewatchables ever.
1:34 Speaker 01 What's happening?
1:35 Bill Simmons? Zach Lowe, you can find on the Zach Lowe
1:37 Speaker 01 Show.
1:38 Bill Simmons? Show. We call it the Zach Lowe Show.
1:40 Speaker 01 Yeah.
1:41 Bill Simmons? Now you're calling it the Z Lowe Show.
1:42 Speaker 01 It's just short for, gotta say, my characters on social media, you know?
1:45 Bill Simmons? Yeah, which is also, by the way, on Netflix.
1:48 Speaker 01 It is.
1:48 Bill Simmons? Um, and you're, you do Mets Corners. That they, people know you for basketball and Mets Corner. They don't know you for the movies. So a lot of pressure for you.
1:56 Speaker 01 It's a good start now. I've got, I got a lot of takes on pop culture that I've been waiting to unleash on various Ringer shows.
2:01 Bill Simmons? Zach Lowe sends me a list of the movies he want to do. Some of them were not surprising. And then second at the top, Ace Ventura. And I was like, wow, I'm gonna file that one away. Ace Ventura is next.
2:28 Bill Simmons? Ace Ventura, why?
2:31 Speaker 01 Formative, I mean, I was, I think, 16 when it came out, maybe 15. Formative to my comedic sensibilities. Has some extremely problematic elements that 16-year-old me was not prepared to grapple with at the time. But just, I became a Jim Carrey superfan. I was already a Jim Carrey superfan from In Living Color, but this, it's just the weirdest, most ridic- There's no way this movie should ever have been made. There's no way it should work. There's just no way it should even exist in the world. And it's awesome.
3:04 Bill Simmons? Craig, you're younger.
3:06 Speaker 02 Yeah, I probably saw it when I was nine, 10 years old, I guess so, in the early 2000s. But Carey was right in that range with like Farley, Sandler, Mike Myers, as all these guys who just committed to the bit.
3:18 Bill Simmons? Yeah.
3:18 Speaker 02 And they were, I mean, and Carey in particular is like a human cartoon. I mean, his face is made of rubber and the commitment to the bit is just something that has completely aged out and nobody does what he's doing anymore. You just like wind him up and watch him go. Like, I don't even know if the movie's good, but you just sit back and you watch Jim Carrey do this. And when you, when you watch other things, you know, about him in the 90s and stuff like that, you realize that he's not really doing a character. Ace Ventura just is Jim Carrey. It was like stand-up from him in the early 90s. And he does, he walks out and he goes, "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. My name is Jim Carrey and how are you this evening? Alrighty then." And that was him three years before. He just, he, this is him.
3:58 Bill Simmons? Like 10 years before. Can I give you my Jim Carrey? So Zach and I, we've had this burning bid. I don't know where it started. It started in my column or in podcasts we did about islands and stock and-
4:08 Speaker 01 It started with Dion Waiters. I think Dion Waiters is ground zero for the island slash island adjacent movement.
4:15 Bill Simmons? So people always ask, or in order to rewatchables, who's Dion Waiters? Cause we have the Dion Waiters Award for biggest heat check. It started because Zach and I felt like we were the only two people that liked Dion Waiters. And we started Waiters Island. It got to the point where I have a Waiters Island T-shirt.
4:30 Speaker 01 So do I. It's red.
4:31 Bill Simmons? Somebody gave it to us?
4:32 Speaker 01 Yeah. It's got like Gilligan's Island font. They clearly ripped off the Gilligan's Island font.
4:37 Bill Simmons? So when I was a kid in the eighties, I would, I just would like people and would not understand why they didn't become more famous. And most of those people I knew from either Saturday Live, David Letterman Show, or like weird HBO shows. I saw Jim Carrey. I'm not doing the, I saw, I claimed Jim Carrey. I just always liked Jim Carrey because it started, he did this Comedy Store Anniversary Show in 1983. You can find it on YouTube. 11th Annual Comedy Store Show. And he came on, I didn't know who he was, and he just started doing impressions. And he did Leonid Brezhnev, he did Clint Eastwood. And it was just like, what is this guy doing? He just did a Leonid Brezhnev impersonation. He did all these things. But the best one he did was Michael Landon smiling.
5:21 Bill Simmons? And he's like, here's an impression of Michael Landon smiling. And he turns away and he comes back and he just kind of does it. And I was just like, this is, who is this guy? This is amazing. So then he was on Letterman a year later, saw that too. He was in a movie called Once Bitten, which is a vampire movie with Lauren Hutton. And it was like, hey, it's the guy who did the Michael Landon smiling. I hope this is going to work out for him. Didn't see him again for five years. Comes back in, in, in Love and Color, and he's the white guy. And then becomes the biggest star on that show. He's in Comic Relief a couple of times, but it never really happens for him. And then they finally throw him a bone with this movie. And I think he was like, this is my one chance. I'm fucking making this happen. And it turns out he is one of the great, I mean, there's
6:05 Bill Simmons? other stuff. He got rejected from SNL twice, Craig. 1980 and 86. And the second time Lauren was doing the casting, it was the Dana Carvey, it was Phil Hartman. And he wanted to be on the show and he got rejected.
6:18 Speaker 01 And I'm pretty sure I've seen like the audition tape from that and it's legitimately very funny. Like it's one of those, some of those you watch and you're like, yeah, he didn't, didn't bring, didn't bring the right stuff that day. I understand why they said no. That one, you're like, oh, that was like right in front of their face and they missed it.
6:33 Bill Simmons? Yeah, Lauren was always like weird about the, the mugging. He never really had like the mugging over the top characters. They're almost always better as the guest host.
6:41 Speaker 02 Yeah, he's almost, Kerry's almost too big for SNL. I wonder how he would have operated in like a normal sketch playing the boyfriend. If he could even do that.
6:48 Bill Simmons? He would have overpowered it. Well, the irony is, I think that like the conversation of what was the greatest SNL ever. There's always like four or five.
6:55 Speaker 01 I was just about to say.
6:56 Bill Simmons? I actually think he hosted the best one ever. And I think the guest may have been, or the musical guest was Soundgarden, I want to say. But he was on and it was Will Ferrell's first year and they just went Magic and Bird for like an hour and a half.
7:07 Speaker 01 The hot tub lifeguard, the jacuzzi lifeguard, just like, swimmer, you are too far away.
7:14 Bill Simmons? Well, he also did the Night of the Roxbury sketch.
7:17 Speaker 01 That's right.
7:17 Speaker 02 Oh, yeah, of course.
7:18 Bill Simmons? And they did the, those, and that was like, had become a thing.
7:22 Speaker 02 And even that movement is kind of Ace Ventura.
7:24 Bill Simmons? Right. And so he did it and his head is just going over here and there. Like he was just crazy. So anyway. The reason we bring all this up is because this guy goes from like, I like that guy. I wish. And then on Living Color, like, oh, I wonder if anything. And then all of a sudden, 1994 is one of the great years in the history of movies.
7:42 Speaker 02 Which he does what? He does this, The Mask and Dumb and Dumber all come out in the same year.
7:46 Bill Simmons? Ace Ventura comes out February 17th. The Mask comes out July, uh, July. Ace Ventura 17th worldwide that year. The Mask is ninth. Mask comes out and hits. Now everybody's like Jim Carrey is now the future of comedy. Dumb and Dumber, December. That's the biggest one of all of them, sixth.
8:04 Speaker 02 And I believe the Farrelly brothers who did Dumb and Dumber cast him after seeing Ace Ventura.
8:09 Bill Simmons? Yes.
8:10 Speaker 02 Which happened in only like a 10, 11 month span.
8:12 Bill Simmons? Here's the other thing. He's still on in Living Color for half of the year because the show ends in May. So he has the three biggest comedy movies of the year. And he's on the show that I think a lot of people loved and lasted four years. It really left because Ken and Ivory Wayans left. He made almost 700 million in those three movies with the box office gross. And he was the second highest grossing box office star in 1994. And at the start of the year, it was the white guy in In Living Color. Like, there's never been a year like that that I can remember.
8:42 Speaker 01 In my half-assed internet research, I think it was a Ringer story about it, but it was either Ringer or Vulture. He was paid less than half a million dollars for Ace Ventura. Like, that-
8:53 Bill Simmons? I have it. 350 for Ace, 450 for Mask.
8:56 Speaker 02 Yeah.
8:57 Bill Simmons? 7 million for Dumb and Dumber, 10 million for Ace 2, and then 20 million for the Cable Guy.
9:02 Speaker 01 The one that broke Hollywood. Everyone was like, "Oh, my God, this is not right. This guy makes faces and he's getting Tom Cruise money? What's going on?"
9:08 Speaker 02 Well, you almost kind of understand why he wasn't paid that much for Ace Ventura, because the movie is a crazy risk. The character that he's playing and the script and what it is, he even says in the research, like, when you listen to him talk about the movie and when they were making this movie, he was like, "I knew this was either going to be something that people really went for. It was going to completely ruin me."
9:25 Bill Simmons? Right.
9:26 Speaker 02 And you can kind of tell. The production company who made this movie, Morgan Creek Productions, the CEO, Jim Robinson, said, "Make a film that nobody my age gets." And wasn't this movie completely panned? Like, Ebert and all these guys, the critics hated this movie.
9:38 Bill Simmons? People hated it.
9:39 Speaker 01 I can't even imagine, if I was 16, my dad was, like, early 50s. I can't even imagine him tolerating this movie at that age for five minutes. He would have, not only would he have not tolerated it, he would have not tolerated it being on in our house. So, I can't, this is not even allowed.
9:59 Speaker 02 It's really apex mountain for, you had to have seen this movie within a certain age range, and if you didn't, there's no way it would work. But if you saw it between, like, 10 and 18, it's with you for life. But you can't bring anyone into it now.
10:11 Bill Simmons? So, I tried with my son, who's 18.
10:16 Bill Simmons? He was like, this movie's terrible.
10:19 Bill Simmons? But Jim Carrey's hilarious.
10:21 Speaker 02 Okay.
10:22 Bill Simmons? And he was like, I get why they made it. I get why I was successful and I enjoyed it. And I was like, you're gonna end up watching it 10 times. He's like, yeah, probably.
10:30 Speaker 02 Yeah, I mean, I don't even know what PG 13 means anymore, but this movie was made for 13 year old boys.
10:35 Bill Simmons? Yeah.
10:35 Speaker 02 Carrey's a good blend of, there's adult humor in the movie and there's, there's kid humor. And it feels like now those things are kind of bifurcated where you can only have one or the other. But this movie, I mean, there are a lot of references, I'll get into this later, that I don't, that I definitely didn't understand when I was a kid that I do now. There's sexual innuendos and things like, things like that. But then it's also just like him kicking around a package and it's hilarious.
10:56 Speaker 01 Yeah. I had forgotten about the opening scene and kicking around the package. And, cause I had not seen the movie before, researched for this, and I'm gonna say eight to 10 years I had not even, that had even been on for more than five minutes continuously in my life. And I completely forgot about that scene. And it's like an extended.
11:13 Bill Simmons? Yeah.
11:13 Speaker 01 Like walk, like walk and tracking shot kind of thing. I'm like, and he just says nothing. And he's both, he's immediately athletic, graceful, and just wildly out there, like from, from shot one of the movie. It's like, wait, they're doing, it's just two minutes of this guy kicking a package. Why is this happening? And I didn't even remember why it was happening. Like, why is he intentionally damaging this package? What is going on here? Like, I'd forgotten.
11:38 Bill Simmons? Yeah.
11:38 Speaker 02 I think it's so the guy has to spend time filling out the forms.
11:41 Speaker 01 He kidnaps the dog. Kidnaps the dog and replace it with stuffed animal.
11:45 Bill Simmons? It's, this is something that would happen in the eighties and nineties, and I don't feel like it happens anymore. Where somebody is just kind of famous and funny enough to get a movie greenlit like this, where it's like, it's a dumb premise and you're the star. Let's make it. Like Billy Madison, same thing with Adam Sandler. That was his first movie. Mike Myers had So I Married an Axe Murderer, which we did, which is a little more advanced, I think, than this movie, but.
12:09 Speaker 02 But it's just.
12:10 Bill Simmons? Norm MacDonald had Dirty Work, remember?
12:12 Speaker 02 It's just letting somebody cook.
12:13 Bill Simmons? Yeah, just like, just be funny, do the stuff you do, we'll, we'll come up with some premise around it and just go nuts.
12:19 Speaker 01 Does Tommy Boy fall into that?
12:21 Bill Simmons? Tommy Boy's another one, but this is, and then they tried with Will Ferrell with Night of the Roxbury, and they didn't really get it right with him until old school, but. Um, I don't feel like Marcelo Hernandez, who seems like he's taking off on SNL now. In 1993, they just would have been like, just do a movie where you live with your family and do Marcelo Hernandez's things and here's a dumb premise. It's kind of gone.
12:44 Speaker 02 Yeah, and I don't, I don't know if Marcelo, he would have to have a character that was big enough and popular enough to even warrant that. I mean, he did like the, the one where he's there at the like, bachelorette party and he's getting cheated on or whatever.
12:58 Speaker 01 Domingo.
12:58 Speaker 02 Yeah, that would have been a movie probably in the nineties.
13:00 Bill Simmons? In 1993, they would have made a Domingo movie. They did it with-
13:03 Speaker 01 We might be speaking into existence right now. Like, someone is gonna listen to this and be like, that's, that's not about, like, that's bankable.
13:09 Bill Simmons? Well, one of the things I think everyone in Hollywood is trying to figure out right now is, what happened in the comedy, can we bring it back? Right? Because horror movies have just been unassailable since the early seventies. Action movies come and go, franchises, but these comedies that are these iconic nineties and 2000s comedies, they just, they don't exist in the same way. Now they kind of end up on streamers just to start out with, or they become TV shows. Like Craig Loves the Studio.
13:36 Speaker 02 Yep.
13:37 Bill Simmons? Maybe in the nineties, the studio was just a TV show, is a movie, it's a 90-minute movie.
13:42 Speaker 02 It's a bummer because that, you know, comedies used to make good money, not huge money, but good money. And now people just want to hit home runs and not doubles.
13:51 Bill Simmons? Yeah.
13:51 Speaker 02 And so comedies now live on streaming services and it stinks because if you ever, once in a while, get to see a comedy in theater still, like I saw the new Naked Gun in a packed theater, it was such a better experience and it completely shapes your opinion of a movie. If you're watching alone on your couch versus two hundred other people, because when everybody else is laughing, you feel comfortable to laugh. And when you're alone, it just doesn't hit the same.
14:12 Speaker 01 Every comedy you guys just named, from, from Tommy Boyd to So I Married an Axe Murder, to what you said, I, I saw all of them in the theater.
14:21 Speaker 02 Yeah.
14:21 Speaker 01 And Naked, original Naked Gun.
14:23 Speaker 02 Yeah.
14:23 Speaker 01 I saw in the theater. All-timer for me.
14:26 Bill Simmons? I don't think people want to see comedies in the theater anymore because tickets are expensive.
14:31 Speaker 02 Yeah.
14:31 Bill Simmons? It's a whole process.
14:32 Speaker 02 Premium.
14:33 Bill Simmons? And you just wait until it is on like, whatever, on a streamer.
14:36 Speaker 02 It's like, you go to see Top Gun Maverick because it's a spectacle. You you don't need to see a comedy in theaters. But I would argue when you go and you do see a really funny movie in theaters, you leave being fulfilled and it's worth it.
14:47 Speaker 01 Do people want to see horror movies in the theaters because they like the collective experience of we're all scared? Because I love that. I love being scared. I I'm not a big theater goer anymore, but I used to love going to scary movies.
14:57 Speaker 02 Totally.
14:58 Speaker 01 So why does it not translate to laughing? Like, what's what's the difference between those two sensations? That one lends itself more to collective activity.
15:05 Speaker 02 I just think the theatrical experience for horror, the big screen, like, just the ability to have the sound and the image being so big and like looming over you. I think delivers that fear in a way that at home can't. And people think, oh, I can laugh at home. What's the difference?
15:18 Speaker 01 I think there's another piece. I absolutely, you put me in a quiet house with scary movie on. That is, that's pretty scary.
15:24 Bill Simmons? Well, you don't, you're not allowed to watch horror movies in your house.
15:27 Speaker 01 Not at the low house. Not not unless my wife is on a trip.
15:29 Bill Simmons? Mrs. Lowe is hardcore. The, what are the cross-offs for you? Horror, thrillers?
15:35 Speaker 01 Gruesome violence, uh.
15:37 Bill Simmons? Gruesome violence and horror.
15:39 Speaker 01 Yeah, pretty much. Just it just, yeah, like nasty tension, stuff like that.
15:45 Speaker 02 Also, the risk of doing this movie if you're Jim Carrey, it's so vulnerable to be doing these characters. And I really think that the internet now and just the way criticism works, somebody would get destroyed if they tried to do a movie like this. And somebody did a character like this. It is so out there and putting yourself out there.
16:02 Speaker 01 Yeah.
16:03 Bill Simmons? Well, there's, but there's one other piece to this, though. I hesitate to bring up. Like we, Zach's specialty is basketball.
16:11 Speaker 01 Yes.
16:12 Bill Simmons? He watches a lot of basketball.
16:13 Speaker 02 Yeah.
16:14 Bill Simmons? And sometimes in basketball, types of players just come and go. Right? Like, we used to have centers with awesome post-up moves and then they just kind of went away. I guess my question is, do we just not have funny people that can carry movies like this anymore? Jim Carrey toiled away for 12 years doing stand up, being in sketch shows, like putting in the time. And now you have, like, not to bring up Marcelo Hernandez again, but we just brought him up before. He was on SNL for two years, probably getting off for stuff. He didn't toil away in the same way, like crafting a persona and trying to figure out all these ways to attack comedy. And maybe these people just don't exist, or maybe it's just easier to be a TikTok, YouTube, just do comedy that way.
16:57 Bill Simmons? And versus like thinking about it in a movie sense. I don't know. I don't know the answers.
17:02 Speaker 02 Also, I don't know if the upside is there. If you're Marcelo, it probably feels impossible to have your own Dumb and Dumber or Ace Ventura or Happy Gilmore, because those movies don't exist. They don't succeed in theaters. They don't make that much money. So why would he want to put himself out there and potentially put out a flop or something that lands on a streaming service?
17:17 Bill Simmons? You'd rather have like a Netflix comedy?
17:18 Speaker 02 Yeah.
17:18 Bill Simmons? Well, Shane Gillis is a good example, right? Shane Gillis in the 90s would have, you time machine him, he would have made like a Dirty Work or like a
17:27 Speaker 02 Yeah.
17:27 Bill Simmons? this kind of movie. Now he does Tires on Netflix.
17:29 Speaker 01 Well, all of these movies that we're talking about, and particularly the Carrey movies, are on some level, on every level, completely absurd. Like, the situation is absurd, the character, they don't exist in the real world. And a lot of like the great comedic people of the last 15 or 20 years have gone on and made like really funny movies, but they all exist in like our actual reality. None of them are like trying to lean into this absurd space. And so there's no, they're not like this crazy character drives them away, but like
18:00 Bill Simmons? Yeah.
18:00 Speaker 01 you can go Tina Fey, Amy Poehler, Will Ferrell, they've all had like these great movies, but none of them are quite this like absurd. Except Zoolander, I think, would be a good example of what I'm talking about. Just like, just a completely absurd thing that does not really exist in this world.
18:13 Bill Simmons? But then Zoolander 2 didn't work.
18:14 Speaker 02 Well, Zoolander was like 2001, so it was still kind of in that, like spiritually, a 90s movie.
18:19 Speaker 01 That's that long ago? Wow.
18:20 Speaker 02 I think so.
18:20 Bill Simmons? Not only 2001, it was Like two weeks after nine eleven.
18:25 Speaker 02 Oh, really?
18:25 Bill Simmons? It was the first, hey, America, it's okay to laugh. Come see Zoolander. And it was, it kinda wasn't okay yet.
18:31 Speaker 02 Yeah. Farrell, I feel like was the bridge where he could still kinda do the wonky characters, the Talladega Night, your Anchorman's. But then after him, we went into the Judd Apatow era, which was more.
18:39 Speaker 01 That's a great call. That's, that's a persona. Those movies are the persona. They're funny. Like, I like them.
18:44 Speaker 02 Oh, I adore them, but they're much more grounded.
18:46 Bill Simmons? It's Craig's. That's his wheelhouse.
18:48 Speaker 02 Yeah.
18:48 Bill Simmons? But I mean.
18:49 Speaker 02 But these are.
18:49 Bill Simmons? The Uptown movies are a good example. Those guys were all fucking awesome, one of a kind stars that are in those movies. Like even Ben and I watched Forty Year Old Virgin last week. Jonah Hill's in there. It's, he's like, it seems like he's like 11 years old.
19:05 Speaker 02 Is he buying, he's buying the boots?
19:07 Bill Simmons? He's buying boots from the eBay store.
19:09 Speaker 01 I don't even remember him.
19:09 Speaker 02 He's buying bedazzled boots.
19:11 Bill Simmons? He probably wants to kill himself when he sees the video. He's just like, he, he's like, just like, so he's like 400 pounds and he looks like he's 10.
19:19 Speaker 02 Yeah.
19:20 Bill Simmons? But like he populated, Rogan's in that movie, Paul Rudd's in that movie, Correll's in that movie. Like you think of, we just had a lot of characters back then.
19:28 Speaker 01 And that's, I mean, I'm doing this off the top and I'm, this is not my realm, like it is yours, but that's like the Correll. All right, this is my shot to.
19:37 Bill Simmons? He got it from Anchorman. Yeah, they saw him as Brick Tannen.
19:41 Speaker 01 It's similar of like, all right, like this is kind of a strange movie. You're gonna play a 40 year old virgin who's a weirdo and has dolls at his house and like, it gets his chest hair shaved off. Like another movie that really shouldn't have worked as well as it did.
19:54 Bill Simmons? He's another example, though. He toyed away forever.
19:57 Speaker 02 Yeah.
19:58 Bill Simmons? And was in sketch comedy, all kinds of stuff. Colbert was another one that was put in a lot of time.
20:03 Speaker 01 Another, another commonality between Carrie and Correll and some of the other people you just mentioned. Sneaky handsome. Like there's, there's like, there's like a leading man, like handsomeness hidden under the goof. Like Steve Carell is just like, straight up like hot dude now, like a hot old guy now. Jim Carrey was like sneaky handsome.
20:22 Bill Simmons? Watching this, and they're like, fuck yeah. Thank you. The basketball guy loves me.
20:26 Speaker 01 Somewhere in the middle of The Office, everyone around Steve Carell, like season three of The Office, everyone around that show and Steve Carell made a collective decision. We're glamming you up a little bit.
20:36 Speaker 02 Well, Correll got his hair done.
20:38 Speaker 01 Yeah, there's something that happened, right?
20:40 Speaker 02 Season one, he's thinning. Season two.
20:41 Speaker 01 Yeah, something happened. I didn't want to just say it so baldly like that, no pun intended, but some, something happened. He got fitter. So it was a clear, like, you're becoming a real star now.
20:49 Speaker 02 Yeah.
20:50 Bill Simmons? I gotta talk about 94, which is in the running for best movie year of the last 40 quickly.
20:59 Bill Simmons? And people remember from the Pulp Fiction, Forrest Gump.
21:01 Speaker 01 I'm still mad about.
21:03 Bill Simmons? Yeah, so people remember the Oscars for it. There's a whole bunch of Apex breakout, crazy stuff. I'm just gonna run through this quickly. Pulp Fiction, Tarantino breakout, Sam Jackson, Triberto. Forrest Gump, Hank's Apex. Shawshank becomes Shawshank, but also Morgan Freeman is now here, does seven the next year. True Lies, Schwarzenegger's comeback. Lion King, probably the, felt like the biggest original Disney movie that they made. Like, it was just perfectly marketed, it had the Elton John song, it was a monster. Just like, it was kinda Disney where you're like, oh, this is peak of their powers.
21:42 Bill Simmons? Uh, Speed. Not only the Keanu Reeves breakout, but they pushed up the, uh, summer movie schedule for it. They said, fuck it, let's start it in May, and it completely reinvented that.
21:52 Speaker 01 Fantastic theater experience.
21:54 Bill Simmons? Great.
21:54 Speaker 01 And as my wife knows, it, it's still not over for me and Sandra Bullock all these years later.
21:59 Bill Simmons? Well, I'm glad, I'm glad you, see, that's how I have Tiffany Amber Thiessen with my wife. It's just like, look, man, I met her before I knew you, and it's just fine.
22:10 Bill Simmons? Disclosure. Michael Douglas, First to Be More, we did that movie. But that was like two big movie stars pitted against each other with a very important topic. Santa Claus, the Tim Allen apex.
22:21 Speaker 01 Love it. Saw, saw it just recently, cause my daughter's going through all the classic holiday movies.
22:26 Bill Simmons? Oh, yeah.
22:26 Speaker 01 I watch it every year.
22:27 Bill Simmons? It'll be on the rewatchables at some point. Clear and Present Danger, just a Harrison Ford movie in his prime. Interview of the Vampire, Cruisin' Pit Together. Legends of the Fall, a second Pitt movie. Hoop Dreams, best sports movie doc ever.
22:39 Speaker 01 Come on.
22:39 Bill Simmons? Quiz Show, Redford did that one.
22:42 Speaker 01 Theater.
22:42 Bill Simmons? Uh, Reality Bites, the peak of Gen X and Ethan Hawke. Four Weddings and a Funeral, Hugh Grant's breakout. Blue Chips and Above the Rim. Maybe the best basketball movie combo year we've had, those two. And then we also had Little Big League, Mighty Ducks 2, and Angels in the Outfield. For kids movies. And there's a bunch more stuff, but it's just like, I look at 94 and I'm just like, we kinda had it all going. I don't know how we get back. We didn't know. And Jim Carrey busting out and having the year of Jim Carrey.
23:13 Speaker 01 How's Mighty Ducks 2? Cause I not, I, we, I just saw Mighty Ducks for the first time in my life. Last weekend, we had a family movie night. My daughter loves kids' sports movies and Mighty Ducks, like, didn't know, didn't know Joshua Jackson was involved at all. Turns out he's heavily involved. I enjoyed it.
23:31 Bill Simmons? Mighty Ducks are great movies. I haven't seen them in a while, one and two, maybe even three. Well, there's, there's, we haven't done either of these yet. There's a camp. D2? The D2 is the one.
23:42 Speaker 01 I'm excited for.
23:43 Bill Simmons? It's like Terminator 1 versus Terminator 2 kinda thing.
23:45 Speaker 01 I'm Terminator 1, I'm team 1.
23:47 Bill Simmons? Yeah, some people are like, T2 is one of the greatest, that's where we go. Ace Ventura. Um, the cinematographer said, the stuff he was doing was so over the top. I truly thought this was gonna be the biggest piece of shit ever.
24:02 Bill Simmons? He added a shitload of improv stuff, including the ass talking scene, which is in the running for funniest single scenes he's ever done. Apparently happened in Living Color because Kenan Ivory, Kenan Ivory Wayans kept rejecting his sketches. So finally, one day, he got up and pitched a sketch with his ass. And Kenan Ivory Wayans got pissed and they almost had a fistfight. This is an actual story.
24:28 Bill Simmons? And then Carrie said on Inside the Actor's Studio, that he based Ace Ventura on a smart bird. He thought about him, how he would move like an actual animal. And the clothing he picked, the walk was bird-like. Yeah, he's kinda dressed like a pirate and I don't really know why. His hairstyle was like a parrot, a parrot. Yeah. And that was kinda what he was going for. You just have to be insane.
24:52 Speaker 02 Yeah.
24:53 Bill Simmons? To even like come up with all that stuff, you just have to have a screw loose in a good way.
24:57 Speaker 02 It really sounded like they knew this could be a piece of shit. And they were like, we don't care. This is our humor. We're going for it.
25:02 Bill Simmons? Yeah.
25:03 Speaker 02 Cause the director as well, who was like a young joke writer, they both went in being like, this could completely ruin our careers. And their goal was to make something that was so over the top and potentially unappealing to some people. Which is insane now. Like now you have to make something that's broad enough for everybody, them going in saying, eh, half the audience might fucking hate this. It's just crazy.
25:24 Bill Simmons? Maybe we should do that. You create a character that's hard into advanced metrics for breaking down basketball. And you're just doing voices and crazy shit. Work on this.
25:33 Speaker 01 I'll, I'll, I'll work on it. Yeah.
25:34 Bill Simmons? Write down some notes.
25:35 Speaker 01 When I was reading all these things, we read a lot of the same stuff. It sounds like, I, I did have a moment where I was like, I wonder what like day 21 on set is, if, if there's a contingent of the people in the crew and the cast were just like,
25:48 Bill Simmons? This fucking guy.
25:49 Speaker 01 This is just really going to places where I didn't expect.
25:51 Speaker 02 He's in the 2-2 in reverse and they're like, I don't know about this.
25:55 Speaker 01 Should I get out of this? Like, is it too late for me to get out of this now?
25:58 Bill Simmons? Well, it seems like there's only a couple comedy actors ever. That if you just let them loose and let them explore the studio space, they were going to explore every, like Robin Williams, I think was like this too.
26:09 Speaker 02 Yeah.
26:09 Bill Simmons? They're like, hey, we wrote this scene where can you just, like Dead Poet said, can you just add live in front of the class for a couple of minutes? He's like, great.
26:16 Speaker 02 Yeah.
26:17 Bill Simmons? And is just doing it for two hours.
26:18 Speaker 02 You got it. I think there was a sense even on set that they, this was like, we're watching a freak. Like we, this is, it's like, Wemba Yama, I don't know what I'm watching, but there's nobody who can replicate this.
26:27 Bill Simmons? Well, the weird thing about him is, women definitely dig him and duck him and like he ends up dating Lauren Holly, who's the, who's,
26:37 Speaker 02 He married her.
26:38 Bill Simmons? And dumber and they end up together. But then Courtney Cox, there was like, she was on Stern four years ago. And he was like, what'd you think of Jim Carrey? Like thinking she'd be like, oh, he was so fucking annoying. And he, and she was like, I kinda had a crush on him back then. I really kinda dug him.
26:54 Speaker 02 One of my, it wasn't gonna be a nitpick. It was gonna be a probably unanswerable question was like, how did she pretend her character to be into this psychopath? Basically, and there are so many scenes where he's doing his weird thing and she's looking at him with her.
27:07 Bill Simmons? Batting the blue eyes.
27:08 Speaker 02 Yeah, batting the blue eyes. And you're like, there's no way this woman would be into him. And then you find out that on set, she was falling for him while he was doing this character. So you're like, all right, I guess it is real.
27:16 Speaker 01 You guys might not like some of the choices I've made for our categories later, but.
27:20 Bill Simmons? I can't wait. I mean, she did marry David Arquette. She might have just like goofball guys.
27:26 Speaker 02 If we say one slanderous word against Courtney Cox, I'll storm out of this set.
27:31 Bill Simmons? I'm ready to do it right now. Not say slanderous stuff. Another one I had stock in, Zach. Courtney Cox. Let me take you back to 1984.
27:45 Speaker 01 We're just doing, we're, we're just going down the whole path now. Okay.
27:48 Bill Simmons? She's just in the Dancing in the Dark video of Springsteen?
27:51 Speaker 02 Didn't know that.
27:52 Speaker 01 Wow, see, look at that. Landmark, landmark, it's a landmark thing.
27:57 Speaker 02 Didn't know that.
27:57 Speaker 01 For, for men of a certain age.
27:59 Bill Simmons? You didn't know that?
27:59 Speaker 02 No.
28:00 Bill Simmons? Springsteen, who's like, it come from down in the valley. He's doing all those songs. Comes out in Born in the USA and the first song is Dancing in the Dark. It's just a pop song. And the video is him on, him onstage and he's doing this weird dance. And it's just like, I don't even know how to, it would be like if Patrick Mahomes just completely changed his look one day. And he was just a completely different person.
28:27 Speaker 02 Had a deep voice all of a sudden?
28:28 Bill Simmons? And he was just like dressed like a motorcyclist or something. And you were like, what's going on with Patrick Mahomes? Why is he in all leather? Bruce comes out, he's like trying to be a pop star. And he, and there's this girl dancing in the video and you keep seeing her. And then he points to her and he goes, hey, baby. And brings her on the stage and they dance. And it became a phenomenon. Who is this girl? And it was Courtney Cox, which leads to her being on Family Ties in an 18-episode run as Alex P. Keaton's girlfriend, played by Michael J. Fox. Every guy my age was in love with her. So I'm not taking credit. It was everybody. She toyed away for. Six years, like, just in bad movies. It never happened for her. And then it finally happened.
29:14 Speaker 02 Boy, did it happen.
29:15 Bill Simmons? Here's what happens. Ace Ventura, she's in Seinfeld during the breakout, the real breakout, like Seinfeld becoming, replacing.
29:23 Speaker 02 Dry, dry cleaner girlfriend.
29:25 Bill Simmons? She's the Jerry's girlfriend, who pretends they're married so she can get the dry cleaning discount. He has to break up with her.
29:31 Speaker 02 You could spend an hour talking about people who have cameoed in Seinfeld.
29:34 Bill Simmons? She probably is the most important one, and here's why. They're making Friends.
29:40 Speaker 02 Right.
29:41 Bill Simmons? They're like, this Courtney Cox, who was in Ace Ventura, and who was in that Seinfeld episode, maybe we build friends around her. And they make friends, and it's like a vehicle for her, basically. Then it becomes Friends. So this movie paves the way to Friends.
29:54 Speaker 02 She has never looked better, and ushered me into adulthood in this film.
29:59 Bill Simmons? I said to my son Ben, I was like, I don't know if it gets better. I think we might have peaked.
30:06 Speaker 02 Also, I think Jennifer Aniston.
30:07 Bill Simmons? The cutest of, of the possible, you could never have put a cuter actress into a movie.
30:12 Speaker 02 I think Jennifer Aniston almost overshadowed her. Not, maybe not market corrected her, but Jennifer Aniston and her being in Friends, you almost like couldn't focus on both. And Aniston maybe won out, but when you, Courtney Cox in this movie, we always joke, I'm a Warriors fan, and we say like, the only player who could get hotter than Steph was Clay. I actually think Courtney Cox, in the right moment, can put up 37 and a quarter, and that's what she does in this movie.
30:34 Bill Simmons? So you think she's Clay? This is interesting. I'm so glad Zach's here for this.
30:38 Speaker 02 Like, she's the only one where I'm like, you know what, there are moments, it is her over Jennifer Aniston. She, in this movie, 37 in, in the third quarter.
30:46 Bill Simmons? So, this is such a great topic, because when Aniston's on Friends, she becomes the breakout star of Friends, and every guy is in love with her, including me.
30:55 Speaker 02 And, and me too. I mean, they're both the most beautiful women in the world.
30:58 Bill Simmons? I think I was exactly the same age. What, the Aniston piece was like, you, everybody in America, no matter where you lived and how much money you made, you're like, I feel like. I could talk myself into like getting a date with her if I just met her.
31:10 Speaker 02 Yeah.
31:11 Bill Simmons? She was like very accessible.
31:12 Speaker 01 This never crossed my mind for one second. You thought Jennifer Aniston was accessible?
31:17 Bill Simmons? I think I thought she was accessible hot.
31:19 Speaker 01 Like if you ran into Jennifer.
31:21 Bill Simmons? Like I was like, she would like my friends. She was like one of those.
31:23 Speaker 02 I think it's because she's on a.
31:25 Speaker 01 None of this ever crossed my mind.
31:26 Bill Simmons? Courtney Cox was not accessible. She was just like, I wouldn't be able to talk.
31:30 Speaker 02 I also think the nature of being on a TV show versus being a movie star made that person feel more attainable. Like, oh, I watch her every week. She's in an apartment.
31:37 Bill Simmons? She would love us.
31:38 Speaker 02 Yeah.
31:39 Bill Simmons? She would love to watch me play video games.
31:40 Speaker 01 She would not have loved any of this.
31:42 Speaker 02 She's looking for a job.
31:44 Speaker 01 She would have walked out quickly.
31:45 Speaker 02 She's been rossed.
31:46 Bill Simmons? I'm barely employed.
31:48 Speaker 02 I'm as good as Ross.
31:49 Bill Simmons? You're just calling your shot, your heat checks.
31:51 Speaker 02 I mean, it's MJ versus LeBron, Cox and Aniston in 94.
31:54 Bill Simmons? I somehow have never thought about this before. What an incredible market correction that was.
31:59 Speaker 01 Why are we pitting them against each other?
32:00 Speaker 02 No, I don't.
32:00 Bill Simmons? Courtney Cox had a.
32:01 Speaker 01 They're friends.
32:02 Speaker 02 I want to lift them both up and champion both of them.
32:04 Bill Simmons? That's like Clay and Steph.
32:05 Speaker 02 Exactly.
32:06 Speaker 01 Who's Draymond?
32:11 Speaker 02 Lisa Kudrow?
32:11 Bill Simmons? Lisa Kudrow.
32:12 Speaker 01 I was gonna go Matt LeBlanc. I don't know. Just like a little bit bigger, hits people, would hit people.
32:17 Bill Simmons? Honestly, probably Matthew Perry, because it was a little bit more of a roller coaster ride with him. And that was, that's the Draymond experience.
32:22 Speaker 02 I, I, I don't mean to put Jennifer Aniston down in any way, because she is also one of the most beautiful women who's ever existed. But I just want to spend some time acknowledging Courtney Cox. That's all.
32:31 Bill Simmons? I will say it is, if you had told me in.
32:33 Speaker 02 Zach doesn't agree.
32:34 Speaker 01 No, I just have a totally different take on the movie, I guess, but go ahead.
32:37 Bill Simmons? Well, I was gonna say, if you told me in spring of 94, Courtney Cox is gonna be on a show with six people, and a year from now, somebody else on that show that's not Courtney Cox will be the sex symbol that everybody's cutting their hair to look like, I would have been like, that's impossible. There's gonna be another person, but it's not gonna be Courtney Cox? Zach doesn't agree.
32:59 Speaker 01 I'm just gonna say my, I'm just gonna say, we'll do it later.
33:01 Bill Simmons? All right, save your take.
33:01 Speaker 01 We'll do it later.
33:02 Bill Simmons? Anyway, this is a very important Courtney Cox movie.
33:05 Speaker 02 Iconic.
33:06 Speaker 01 Is there such a thing as a very important Courtney Cox movie?
33:09 Bill Simmons? She tore it away.
33:10 Speaker 01 Very important. It's not a Scorsese movie.
33:12 Bill Simmons? You didn't see The Opposite Sex and How to Live With Them in the theater in 1992.
33:16 Speaker 02 Zach.
33:16 Bill Simmons? Yeah, I fucking went to support Courtney Cox.
33:19 Speaker 01 I don't even know what that is.
33:20 Bill Simmons? She was, it was set in Boston.
33:21 Speaker 02 Zach, you said you were 15 when you saw this movie?
33:23 Speaker 01 Ace Ventura is 94, so 16.
33:26 Speaker 02 And Courtney Cox didn't, didn't do anything.
33:28 Bill Simmons? I mean, look.
33:31 Speaker 01 I'm not saying she didn't do anything. I'm just saying I have a different take on the movie.
33:34 Bill Simmons? We're learning Zach has a type. Sean Young, Last Hurrah, very controversial rewatchable's character.
33:40 Speaker 01 Yeah.
33:41 Bill Simmons? Cause we did No Way Out with Kevin Costner. Chris Ryan and I loved Sean Young in that movie and Craig's like eh, just kind of shrugged it off. That became a thing. This is her last hurrah after this. It's all over and she's not really in any movies. And a notoriously difficult Hollywood actor, shall we say. We'll get back to her later. Fifteen million dollar budget, made a hundred and seven million dollars. It sold 4.2 million home videos in its first three weeks.
34:12 Speaker 01 Wow.
34:12 Bill Simmons? That's a lot. So normally when Craig's producing, we still do the Horrill Beck Century Club, which was a new category this year. Craig, 86 minutes.
34:22 Speaker 02 I can't believe it's under 90.
34:24 Bill Simmons? You're just delayed. 86 minutes. Craig thinks every movie should be 100 minutes.
34:29 Speaker 02 Yeah.
34:30 Bill Simmons? So this is a plus 14 on the Horrill Beck scale.
34:33 Speaker 01 It's not a bad take.
34:34 Speaker 02 The Departed can be long. That's okay. But in general.
34:36 Speaker 01 Departed is too long.
34:37 Speaker 02 For rare exceptions, every movie should be under two hours and it should be around 100 minutes. 80, 86 minutes this movie is? And it doesn't feel like it's too short or, I mean, I feel like everything you want is in there. They develop the plot. I feel like we should say, this movie's plot and premise is way too good than it needs to be. The idea of a.
34:56 Speaker 01 That's a good, that's a good point.
34:58 Bill Simmons? So I had this on what's the best. I thought, I think the plot's like, kind of amazing.
35:03 Speaker 02 It's fantastic. A disgraced kicker who, who, who goes back home and, and plots his revenge to kill the head, the quarterback who held the ball wrong is a fantastic plot.
35:13 Bill Simmons? Well, but you have that, but then you also have like Pet Detective is also a great idea. This movie has two great ideas.
35:19 Speaker 01 Pet Detective is an insane idea.
35:23 Speaker 01 But then like-
35:24 Bill Simmons? But a funny idea for a movie.
35:25 Speaker 01 You're right, the plot is a little twistier than it has any right to be like, oh, that thread connects to that thread. Like, what's going on here? Why am I thinking about this movie?
35:33 Speaker 02 You totally think it's the rich guy, which he has nothing to do with it.
35:36 Bill Simmons? Right, he's a red herring.
35:37 Speaker 02 The Finkel Einhorn twist, for however problematic it is, is a crazy twist for a comedy. There's not a lot of twists in comedies, genuinely didn't see that coming. And the idea of I'm gonna spend the next eight years of my life plotting to kidnap and murder Dan Marino is an incredible plot.
35:53 Bill Simmons? What basketball person would Ray Finkel it? Is there somebody who'd blame somebody else? Like, this would be like J R Smith?
35:59 Speaker 01 I was about to say-
36:00 Bill Simmons? Being mad at LeBron for being blamed for the tie-up game?
36:03 Speaker 01 LeBron would blame J R Smith for botching the end of game one of the 2018 finals.
36:08 Bill Simmons? J R Smith would be the Ray Finkel, though. He would have to blame LeBron for-
36:12 Speaker 02 You need a, like a bench player-
36:13 Speaker 01 It needs to be a star, starter.
36:14 Bill Simmons? LeBron actually told him to call timeout and then pretended he didn't. It would have to be, that would be the plot.
36:19 Speaker 01 I'm gonna be distracted for this podcast.
36:22 Bill Simmons? I shouldn't have known-
36:22 Speaker 02 Maybe it's like Draymond trying to kill the ref who gave him that technical in 2016.
36:27 Bill Simmons? Jordan Poole.
36:29 Speaker 02 And Dray-
36:31 Bill Simmons? Jordan Poole ruined my, Draymond ruined my career and he punched me. Now I'm gonna get revenge on Draymond. Ace Ventura 3.
36:38 Speaker 02 Pool Detective.
36:39 Bill Simmons? Pool Detective, disgruntled teammate detective. Roger Ebert. To the surprise of nobody. One star. How many one-star movies have we done? Four?
36:51 Speaker 02 Yeah.
36:52 Bill Simmons? It's such a rarity for us. He said, "This movie basically has one joke, which is Ace Ventura's weirdy, nerdy strangeness. If you laugh at this joke, I can sympathize with you, even if I can't understand you. I found the movie a long, unfunny slog through an impenetrable plot." Inpenetrable plot. Kids might like it.
37:12 Speaker 01 That's almost a compliment.
37:13 Bill Simmons? Kids might like it, was his compliment.
37:15 Speaker 02 I'll keep going. Carrie plays Ace as if he's being clocked on an energy-o-meter and paid by the calories expended. He's a hypergoon who likes to screw his mouth into strange shapes while playing variations on the language. You know what? That's all correct.
37:29 Bill Simmons? Yeah.
37:30 Speaker 02 And Roger Ebert was 52 when this movie came out. It's not for you.
37:33 Speaker 01 My dad would have not let it be on for one minute.
37:35 Speaker 02 Yeah.
37:35 Speaker 01 Would have been like, he's talking to his butt, you're smarter than this, get this nonsense off the idiot box. That's almost exactly what it said.
37:42 Bill Simmons? I'm older than 52 and when he- Puts the, when he's at the mansion and he puts the food and he started doing this with the food, I laughed my ass off. Yeah, but you probably saw it when you were 20. I know, but it's still funny.
37:53 Speaker 01 So this is my general-
37:54 Bill Simmons? It's still visceral funny reaction.
37:55 Speaker 01 This is my general take on the movie and I just want to get it out now.
37:58 Bill Simmons? Yeah.
37:58 Speaker 01 So you mentioning that scene where he makes the face at the guy who's not looking, right?
38:01 Bill Simmons? Yeah.
38:02 Speaker 01 He's just, it's a completely throwaway moment in the film.
38:04 Bill Simmons? I laugh out loud every time.
38:05 Speaker 01 There's no, I think generally, the small jokes in this movie are way funnier than the big jokes.
38:12 Bill Simmons? Couldn't agree more.
38:12 Speaker 01 I think, I think the big jokes are largely not that great and I'll hit some of them later. It's those kind of moments.
38:19 Bill Simmons? Yeah.
38:19 Speaker 01 And those kind of facial expressions and, and smug expressions that I think make the whole movie. I think they're the best part of the movie.
38:26 Bill Simmons? I agree. We're gonna take a break and then we're gonna do most rewatchable scene. This episode is brought to you by Searchlight Pictures Wild Horse 9. John Malkovich and Sam Rockwell, I like those guys, star in the sharp-witted comedy thriller from Academy Award winner Martin McDonagh, writer-director of The Banshees of Inisherin and Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri, set in the 1970s, filmed on location on Easter Island. Malkovich and Rockwell play CIA agents Chris and Lee, who are caught in a dangerous game of secrets and survival. Also starring Steve Buscemi, another one of my guys, Parker Posey and Tom Waits. Wild Horse 9 is being hailed by critics as a revitalizing shot of pure entertainment
39:09 Bill Simmons? and easily one of the best films of the year. Don't miss Wild Horse 9, only in theaters November 6th. Get tickets now.
39:16 Speaker 03 Ulcerative colitis and Crohn's disease symptoms, don't pause for the moments that matter. That's why understanding your treatment options matters. Discover what's possible with Tremfya, Guselkamap. Tremfya is a prescription medicine used to treat adults with moderately to severely active Crohn's disease and adults with moderately to severely active ulcerative colitis. Serious allergic reactions, increased risk of infections, or lower ability to fight them and liver problems may occur. Before treatment, get checked for infections and tuberculosis. Tell your doctor if you have an infection, flu-like symptoms, or need a vaccine. Talk to your doctor and explore what's possible, or call 1-800-526-7736 to learn more about Tremfya and visit tremfyaradio.com.
40:02 Bill Simmons? All right, most rewatchable scene, opening credits with the box when he steals Tex Cobb's dog. Tex Cobb was a pretty, pretty well-known boxer in the 70s and 80s for heavyweight division. Famously got the shit kicked out of him by Larry Holmes on ABC and Howard Cosell was so upset by how one side of the fight was, he vowed never to do boxing again and was killing the fight as it was happening. That's how Tex Cobb was known. Then he went into movies.
40:29 Speaker 02 Wow. And apparently the black eyes are real.
40:32 Bill Simmons? Yeah, he got in a fight. It's alive. I think that scene's funny. Next scene, Ace's pets come out of hiding, which I think is a great shot Gordo candidate. Here are the pets. Raccoon, iguana, penguins, an otter.
40:51 Speaker 01 You can't list them all off, there are too many.
40:53 Bill Simmons? Skunk, monkey, squirrel, basset hound, parrots, and a cat.
40:56 Speaker 01 The raccoon comes out of the toilet.
40:57 Bill Simmons? Yeah.
40:58 Speaker 02 And the penguins come out of the fridge, which I liked.
41:00 Speaker 01 So, I didn't do this much half-assed research, maybe one of you did. Is that monkey, the little monkey, is it Ross's monkey from Friends? Is it the same actor monkey?
41:10 Speaker 02 Wow.
41:11 Speaker 01 There can't be that, that kind of monkey has a name that I'm blanking on, but.
41:14 Bill Simmons? Marcel.
41:15 Speaker 02 From the show, yeah.
41:16 Speaker 01 Yeah, it's gotta be the same monkey. How many of these monkeys can there be floating around Hollywood?
41:19 Bill Simmons? Or maybe there's a million monkeys and Marcel just got a, got tabbed. There were other people that could have had the shot.
41:25 Speaker 02 Happens in Hollywood all the time.
41:27 Bill Simmons? My son really, really marveled at this scene and it was a how did they do this scene for him. Cause there's no CGI.
41:35 Speaker 02 No.
41:35 Bill Simmons? He's like, how do they get all these animals to coexist together?
41:38 Speaker 01 That's a great question.
41:40 Bill Simmons? I actually thought this scene could have gone longer.
41:41 Speaker 02 Yeah, even the.
41:42 Bill Simmons? I could have watched him feed the animals. I just had more questions. I love pets.
41:46 Speaker 02 Yeah, and they all hide like the toys in Toy Story when he jingles the keys.
41:49 Speaker 01 Yeah, it's a great, it's a great moment.
41:51 Speaker 02 Yeah.
41:51 Bill Simmons? Honestly, we're like two, two apartment scenes short with the pets. I could have, run it back.
41:58 Speaker 02 Apparently the sex scene when all the animals are around as well. Apparently Carrie said that they are all like tied to the ground, so they can't move.
42:06 Bill Simmons? Oh.
42:07 Speaker 02 He, he said they were trained to do that.
42:09 Bill Simmons? I wonder if Peter was on the set going.
42:10 Speaker 01 Say that, is that problematic? I don't know.
42:13 Speaker 02 You tie your dog to a pole when you, you know.
42:15 Speaker 01 See, I think the sex scene, not good enough. I think it should have been funnier. Uh, the highlight of the sex scene is the bird, is the bird that's bouncing up and down, mimicking the movements.
42:25 Bill Simmons? I think they were very scared to veer toward the R range.
42:29 Speaker 01 I just feel like for a guy who has this level of physical comedy and inanity and insanity to him. The sex scene should have been like bonkers.
42:37 Speaker 02 More animalistic.
42:38 Speaker 01 Just, I don't even know what, just like crazier.
42:40 Bill Simmons? That's actually what Roger Ebert wrote in his review. He's like, that sex scene should have been bonkers. Um, next scene, Ace checks out the empty dolphin pool and does Star Trek impressions. I think you have to be over 45 to get even, like, did you even get those jokes? Yeah.
42:57 Speaker 01 So that's the correct answer to this question. That's the best scene in a movie.
43:02 Bill Simmons? That's your most rewatchable?
43:03 Speaker 01 Should I go on? Yes.
43:05 Bill Simmons? Keep going.
43:05 Speaker 01 Uh, I will say that he gets into the tank and he says to Courtney Cox, if I'm not back in five minutes, just wait longer. That is one of the most perfectly written jokes in the history of jokes. The first time I heard it, I think that one joke, single-handedly changed my sense of humor.
43:26 Bill Simmons? Oh, wow.
43:26 Speaker 01 Just the zigzag construction of the joke and the, the kind of meanness underlying it almost. I think changed me in that moment. The Star, the Star Trek impression is perfect because it's just like Shatner, but.
43:41 Bill Simmons? Multiple characters.
43:42 Speaker 01 But like 20% more Shatner-y and, and I, and then we talked about this offline. The, the scene, the part of that scene where he pretends to be the dolphin's German trainer.
43:56 Speaker 02 Which.
43:56 Speaker 01 Which is not in the movie anymore. It's a crime that that's not in because every single line of it.
44:03 Speaker 02 Yeah, I believe the original theatrical cut, when I saw it as a kid, had that scene. So I knew that scene. I don't know why it's not on Netflix now.
44:09 Bill Simmons? So.
44:10 Speaker 01 Does he know you? Does he call you at home? Do you have a torso fin? And I'm up on the table, yee, yee. It's just like absolutely pitch perfect the entire way through.
44:21 Bill Simmons? So we were talking, cause he was asking me why that wasn't in there. We were talking offline. And I was saying how, when these movies were on TNT, Comedy Central, wherever, they would have to pad the movie. To get it to two hours, so this is eighty six minutes.
44:35 Speaker 01 Mm hmm.
44:35 Bill Simmons? So if it's a two hour slot on Comedy Central.
44:38 Speaker 01 Okay, added it.
44:38 Bill Simmons? They have to have thirty four minutes of commercials. They didn't want to do that. So they put in deleted scenes and they would pad the movies. So you would see, saw these movies on cable. There'd be these extra scenes and then you buy it on DVD or whatever. And you're like, where's the scene that I like? And it's just not there.
44:53 Speaker 01 So if you include that.
44:54 Bill Simmons? Horror movies had this too.
44:55 Speaker 01 If you include that part, German trainer Hans something or other. And you can quote him.
45:01 Bill Simmons? Yeah.
45:02 Speaker 01 That whole scene is Nirvana. That's Nirvana.
45:06 Speaker 02 And even for somebody like, whatever I was eleven years old, no idea what they were talking about. The voices are still funny. Him going, I just can't do it, Captain. It just, it still played for an eleven year old.
45:16 Bill Simmons? Next one, Ace gets heckled at the police station. Excuse me, I'd like to ask you a few questions.
45:24 Bill Simmons? So I did that. I freely admit I used to do this to my kids, basically, stand like when they were younger. When, because they thought this was hilarious.
45:32 Speaker 01 Yeah.
45:32 Bill Simmons? And it was just a running joke in our family. It still makes me laugh. I'm not proud of it.
45:37 Speaker 02 Assholio, sodomya.
45:39 Bill Simmons? Do you have a minute?
45:40 Speaker 01 I see, I saw.
45:41 Speaker 02 Sodomya.
45:42 Speaker 01 I didn't, I don't think sixteen year old me registered those jokes at the time. It was nice to hear, it was nice to hear them again.
45:49 Bill Simmons? It has a good throwaway line too at the end when she's like, blah, blah, blah, Sean Young said, blah, blah, blah, there's gonna be hell to pay. And he's like, I'm not ready for a relationship yet or whatever, like.
45:59 Speaker 01 Good, that's a good line.
45:59 Bill Simmons? He snuck, snuck it, that one in the end, but I love that whole scene. Uh, the mansion party date. I love a nice big, rich mansion with a bad guy in a comedy, like you never go wrong. Uh, mention the food thing. I think that's the big Gahuna burger award for best use of food or drink.
46:14 Speaker 01 I have a different one.
46:15 Speaker 02 The crab cake or whatever that is?
46:17 Bill Simmons? Yeah, or if you have another one, what's your, what's your other one?
46:19 Speaker 01 Uh, when he's eating, what are they sesame seeds in the ashtray and spitting them on.
46:24 Bill Simmons? Yeah.
46:24 Speaker 01 He said, do you want a cigarette? I don't smoke. It's disgusting habit.
46:27 Bill Simmons? This has the Mission Impossible riff, which I.
46:30 Speaker 01 Brilliant.
46:31 Bill Simmons? By the way, was a, going out of favor in the mid nineties because the show is from the sixties. So it was like tail end. And then Cruz brought it back. And now it's, now it's timeless again.
46:43 Speaker 02 Yeah, him scaling the fence even though.
46:45 Speaker 01 You don't realize right away that it's gonna be as absurd as it is, that he doesn't need to do any of those acrobatic things. And he's just doing it because he thinks it's fun.
46:55 Speaker 02 Yeah. You get the, you get the, the snowflake gag where it turns out to be the shark.
47:00 Bill Simmons? Yeah.
47:00 Speaker 02 It's not snowflake.
47:01 Bill Simmons? Yeah. The Ring ID montage, when he's looking up with line up by Aerosmith, which I think wins the Kid Cudi Pursuit of Happyness Award, right?
47:10 Speaker 02 I was gonna give that or Mission Impossible.
47:12 Bill Simmons? Okay.
47:15 Bill Simmons? The sex scene with all the animals watching.
47:18 Bill Simmons? The director said that was one of the most disturbing scenes he's ever filmed. By the way, the director was, I had that in my notes, Tom Shadyak, who also co-wrote the screenplay. He did Ace Ventura, The Nutty Professor, Lara Lara, Patch Adams, Bruce Almighty.
47:34 Speaker 02 Wow.
47:34 Bill Simmons? Yeah.
47:35 Speaker 02 Jim Carrey's guy. Also, apparently Courtney Cox terrified of animals. And it was a mess on set and she was petrified the whole time.
47:42 Bill Simmons? That's bad casting. You gotta, that's one of those where like the actor lies like, you ever played hockey before? Yeah, I've been skating my whole life. And then they get on set and they don't know how to skate.
47:52 Speaker 02 There was a scene where she interacted with the monkey and they said she was shaking so bad they had to cut it.
47:59 Speaker 01 Ironically, potentially the same monkey that was on Friends.
48:01 Bill Simmons? Yeah, name is Marcel.
48:04 Bill Simmons? The screenwriter, Jack Bernstein, actually came up with the pet detective idea after he watched a David Letterman sketch about pet owners. So Letterman tentacles here again.
48:13 Bill Simmons? Two more rewatchable scenes. Visit to Ray Finkle's house.
48:18 Speaker 01 Which.
48:20 Bill Simmons? It's fun, but when the mother goes,
48:24 Bill Simmons? Dan Marino, she died, I've got to read her right now.
48:29 Speaker 01 She might come up in Best Hang, Worst Hang.
48:32 Bill Simmons? Would you give that to Billy, Billy Bat's Jack Waltz a word for most biting and scalable?
48:36 Speaker 02 She might win like six categories.
48:40 Bill Simmons? Ace gets into Shady Acres just for the slow motion run and then the, uh, the football in the back.
48:46 Speaker 01 So you know what makes the slow motion thing? Is that he not only does it backwards.
48:52 Bill Simmons? Yeah.
48:53 Speaker 01 But that he talks backwards and it's just nonsense gibberish. And you're like, what is he doing? It's like, oh, he's mimicking what he would sound like if your words came out backwards.
49:02 Speaker 02 That's why even if you don't find this joke funny or that joke funny, it's just impressive.
49:06 Bill Simmons? Yeah.
49:07 Speaker 02 Watching him do what he does. That's so hard to do, to make yourself sound like you're speaking backwards. It's incredible.
49:12 Bill Simmons? And I think the fight scene is really funny with him and Sean Young. It's just like, those fight scenes usually are bad in comedies. That one's actually good and it's like, it's funny that it has some twists and turns. Any other rewatchable scenes you have?
49:24 Speaker 01 The fight scene with the eagle at the end is also, uh,
49:27 Bill Simmons? The mascot.
49:27 Speaker 01 Very good, the eagle mascot.
49:29 Speaker 02 One I'll add is the, the crime scene at the apartment after the guy allegedly commits suicide. The sliding glass door.
49:35 Speaker 01 My wife does that in, in life randomly when applicable. She will do that.
49:40 Speaker 02 I've been doing that since I was 12 years old.
49:42 Bill Simmons? All right. So what's your most rewatchable?
49:44 Speaker 02 I think it's the fancy party, Rob, Ronald Camp's party for me. Uh, congratulations on all your success. You smell terrific.
49:52 Bill Simmons? Ronald Camp played by Udo Kier, who was like just this very serious German actor they decided to cast.
49:59 Speaker 02 Him coming out of the bathroom, do not go in there.
50:01 Speaker 01 Yeah. So, so the, how the throwaway moments make the film for me. That, that whole scene is my second favorite scene, behind the pool, tank scene, whatever. When this, at the start of the Mission Impossible bathroom, when he's in the bathroom, the music hits and he's like, he doesn't just walk, he's like, does this weird like almost thriller like zombie walk?
50:22 Bill Simmons? Yeah.
50:23 Speaker 01 What is happening? Why is he doing this? And when he gets to the party.
50:26 Speaker 02 That's the funniest scene in the movie to me.
50:27 Speaker 01 That dance?
50:28 Speaker 02 Well, no, when they get to the party and she's like, don't embarrass me. He's like, like what? He's like, ooh.
50:34 Speaker 01 He's like, is he trying to be a pterodactyl? Like what is this? And then, but his throwaway joke is when they meet Ron Camp and he's like, she, he says to Courtney Cox, aren't you going to introduce me to your date? And she's like, oh, you know, he's, I, this is my lawyer. And Ron Camp thinks he's being clever. He's like, oh, should, does he have an name or should I just call a lawyer? And Jim Carrey's like, ooh. And it's, there's like an underlying meanness and smugness to that facial expression. It is just brilliant. Those are the moments that make the movie for me.
51:03 Bill Simmons? I think he's the best walker ever in movies for like being able to pull out funny, crazy, different types of walks.
51:10 Speaker 02 Yeah, he's human gummy.
51:11 Bill Simmons? Cause even when he comes into the police office for the first time, and he's doing that walk as he walks through, like he just, his control of his own body. I don't, I can't think of anybody else like this.
51:21 Speaker 01 So I had forgotten about the scene right outside the door.
51:24 Speaker 02 Oh, my God.
51:24 Speaker 01 And, and.
51:25 Speaker 02 Laughing out loud on the plane.
51:26 Speaker 01 I was dying, like dying.
51:28 Speaker 02 Yeah. Well, have we ever seen Carrie play sports? Cause he seems quite coordinated. Has he never done a sports movie?
51:35 Speaker 01 He must know how to skate. He's Canadian. He's gotta be a hockey player.
51:38 Speaker 02 I wonder.
51:39 Bill Simmons? It's a recurring thing with some of the better comedians, like they're really good athletes. Like Belushi was like a great athlete.
51:46 Speaker 02 Is Chris Farley a good athlete?
51:47 Bill Simmons? Chris Farley was an awesome athlete. Like these guys, they can do physical comedy partly because they're just athletic.
51:52 Speaker 02 Yeah.
51:55 Bill Simmons? My most rewatchable scene is him at the police station, that whole start to finish when he's getting heckled. He does the ask you a question just all the way through. I just like that the most. What's the most 1994 thing about this movie? What do you have?
52:08 Speaker 01 Isotoner gloves.
52:10 Bill Simmons? Had that down as well.
52:11 Speaker 02 I wrote down Dan Marino doing a commercial for Isotoner gloves.
52:15 Bill Simmons? I had Dan Marino as the Dolphins QB. I had the band Cannibal Corpse.
52:21 Speaker 01 Which I did not, I was not aware of them.
52:23 Bill Simmons? I just feel like that probably not doing a lot in 2025. Captain Stubing as an ironic comedy reference. Now that's just sailing over people's heads. My number one thing though is the Dolphins having a chance to win the Super Bowl.
52:38 Speaker 01 Oh, I knew somebody was gonna go there.
52:40 Bill Simmons? Yeah. That felt really 1994. It's been a while for them. What saves the best?
52:46 Speaker 01 Wait, do we know, does Isotoner still exist?
52:50 Bill Simmons? Great question.
52:51 Speaker 02 I don't even know what that is.
52:52 Speaker 01 It was this, I mean.
52:53 Bill Simmons? Did OJ kill Isotoner gloves?
52:57 Bill Simmons? Or did he have a different type?
52:59 Speaker 01 I don't think he had Isotoner. I think he just slandered Isotoner. I don't know, maybe he did.
53:03 Bill Simmons? It'd be funny if the next rewatchable side looked at the camera, I'm like, I'd like to apologize first, Isotoner gloves. OJ did not wear them.
53:09 Speaker 01 Correct me if I'm wrong, you would see them advertised on television, right? Like you could order Isotoner gloves.
53:14 Bill Simmons? They were like the only gloves I'd ever heard of.
53:16 Speaker 01 Yeah, I don't know how they became a thing, but they are a very 90s thing.
53:22 Speaker 01 Unclear if they're still around.
53:23 Speaker 02 Take Google Gemini for what it is. According to Google Gemini, yes, evidence in the OJ Simpson trial indicated he owned and wore Aries Isotoner gloves. And that was in June 94.
53:32 Bill Simmons? I'd like to not apologize for what I said.
53:34 Speaker 01 Then they must not be available. If they are available, I'm going, I'm going on Amazon Prime right after this and getting a pair of isotoner gloves.
53:41 Bill Simmons? So what, explain them to me. Get the OJ, classic edition.
53:44 Speaker 02 So they were just, with his signature on them, they were just fashionable gloves?
53:49 Bill Simmons? Yeah, it was just somebody trying to own the gloves market. They were like, check these out, isotoner, super comfortable. And I don't know, everybody gave up on the glove market. Uh, what's aged the best? What do you have?
53:59 Speaker 02 Uh, what's aged the best? Courtney Cox?
54:04 Bill Simmons? I had Courtney Cox as well.
54:06 Speaker 02 Absolutely. I would say giving people chances. Jim Carrey being this guy on In Living Color and just deciding to allow him to have a movie where he cooks for 90 minutes, obviously aged incredibly well. And we saw it afterwards with Adam Sandler and, and Mike Myers and stuff like that. This kind of paved the way for just kind of letting somebody, letting an executive just be like, you know what? This guy's kind of funny. I see something in him. I'm just gonna let him go.
54:29 Bill Simmons? Right. Here's a budget.
54:30 Speaker 02 Yeah.
54:31 Bill Simmons? Come up with an 86 minute movie for us. What do you have?
54:34 Speaker 01 I just think it's the entire Jim Carrey experience. I mean, I don't have a great answer for this one. I just think he's, his career has gone up and down, obviously, but like, I think his performance in this movie, this is my favorite Jim Carrey movie, still. And I think this performance is like the perfect distillation of how crazy he is.
54:52 Bill Simmons? Yeah.
54:52 Speaker 01 As a comic superstar.
54:54 Bill Simmons? I have, we mentioned earlier, what a great double idea this was for a movie. These two separate things are actually like pretty smart for a dumb comedy. Laces Out makes me laugh. It's just aged the best in general when they, every day they talk about laces in a football.
55:09 Speaker 01 It's a great call.
55:10 Bill Simmons? Game, I always kind of just think about that.
55:14 Bill Simmons? Comedies where the lead policeman or detective is just a horrible driver. It always works. I don't know why everyone does do it. It's just like, oh, look at this guy. Oh, he drove into the garbage can. Always gets me.
55:27 Speaker 02 When he does the parallel part, like a glove.
55:29 Bill Simmons? Yeah.
55:30 Speaker 02 Yeah.
55:32 Bill Simmons? 1990s Miami and Miami movies and the 80s and 90s being set in Miami before it became like a cliche to put stuff there.
55:40 Speaker 01 They're on South Beach for like, I recognize some of the places they're running on South Beach. I'm like, it doesn't even look like South Beach enough. Like, it's not as glitzy.
55:50 Bill Simmons? The Chess Rockwell and Brock Lander's Award for Best Character Name. I threw this in. I really enjoy Tom Ace.
55:56 Speaker 01 Tom Ace.
55:57 Bill Simmons? It's Tom Ace.
55:59 Speaker 01 Yeah.
55:59 Bill Simmons? Tom Ace. Hi, Tom Ace.
56:01 Speaker 02 Roger Podactor?
56:03 Speaker 01 I was gonna say.
56:04 Speaker 02 Pretty good name.
56:05 Speaker 01 I have two candidates for this.
56:06 Bill Simmons? Yeah.
56:07 Speaker 01 And one is Roger Podactor, which is also very close to Podcaster. But it, but it's also just, it's just a fun name to say.
56:14 Bill Simmons? Yeah.
56:14 Speaker 01 With the Podactor didn't get, didn't commit suicide. And then I just think, you know, Ray Finkle. How fun is that to say? Ray Finkle.
56:22 Speaker 02 Cross the board. Ace Ventura, great name.
56:24 Bill Simmons? Good names.
56:26 Bill Simmons? The Hans Gruber scale for villain ranking. Sean Young is the villain in this movie. I think we've gotta do the Hans Gruber scale anytime there's a villain.
56:34 Speaker 02 Mm-hmm.
56:34 Speaker 01 Okay.
56:35 Bill Simmons? I have her down four out of 10.
56:38 Speaker 02 I mean, on the crazy scale, she might be like an eight.
56:41 Bill Simmons? What do you have?
56:42 Speaker 02 Execution, not so much.
56:44 Speaker 01 Three and a half, four.
56:45 Bill Simmons? Yeah. Oh, it's Zach's first ever flex category. So excited. Can't wait to see what he has here.
56:52 Speaker 01 Uh, I was going to go with, you guys aren't gonna like this. The Seth Rogen Katherine Heigl Award for Worst Chemistry.
57:03 Bill Simmons? Okay, I'm ready for it.
57:05 Speaker 01 I just find the Melissa Robinson character pretty bland. Like, where's the spice? There's like, what does he see in her?
57:13 Bill Simmons? What does he see in her?
57:14 Speaker 01 Other than her physical attractiveness. Does she say one funny thing in the whole movie?
57:18 Bill Simmons? This was-
57:19 Speaker 01 Is she funny at all for one second?
57:21 Speaker 02 I feel like you almost can't be. She needs to absorb him.
57:24 Speaker 01 There's no banter. They have no banter. There's nothing. She's like a blank wall for him to throw jokes at. Except she's a pretty blank wall.
57:33 Bill Simmons? So, I'm gonna defend this in honor of Courtney Cox.
57:37 Speaker 01 I'm not, I, I think she is, was, her comic ability is wasted in the movie.
57:43 Bill Simmons? That's a fair point. I think the trope with these movies was the, the female who's usually hot.
57:51 Bill Simmons? Was just kind of a straight man.
57:52 Speaker 02 I also think part of the joke is that he is so insane and she doesn't bat an eye and is like, I'm into him.
57:59 Speaker 01 She doesn't even realize what's happening throughout the whole movie.
58:02 Bill Simmons? Basically like Happy Gilmore, it's the same thing.
58:04 Speaker 02 Every movie it just cuts to later.
58:06 Speaker 01 She's got a little more spunk. She's, she's like Julie Bowen. Julie Bowen in that movie's got a little more spunk.
58:10 Speaker 02 I, I, I think it's intentional that every time it cuts to Courtney Cox, she's just like, oh Ace. Like, I, I think that's part of the humor. Also, does it make you feel any differently?
58:19 Speaker 01 It doesn't, it's not even clear to me when and why she decides, she goes from horrified by this person to now I'm in love with this person.
58:28 Bill Simmons? That's because this isn't a good movie.
58:30 Speaker 02 No, no. I'll tell you what.
58:32 Bill Simmons? Didn't really build that one up.
58:34 Speaker 02 In the condo, the suicide crime scene, when he figures that out, that's when she falls for him and you can see it in her eyes.
58:40 Speaker 01 You can see it in her eyes.
58:42 Bill Simmons? See, I think for the, for the first hour, she's either like, this guy's either a serial killer or special needs. And I can't decide. It's one of these two.
58:50 Speaker 02 I think the character.
58:52 Bill Simmons? Oh, maybe he's neither. He's just a savant.
58:54 Speaker 02 The character of Ace is the hardest to buy. When he first meets Melissa Robinson and she's describing to him the, the snowflake situation. He almost like can't interact with her. She's like, hi, nice to meet you. And he's like, hello, how are you? And she's like, did you, like, were you able to park? He's like, the, like, making a joke about getting a hand up his ass. Like, he actually can't have a human conversation with her. And he's eating the sunflower seeds. That strains credulity a little bit and it eases throughout the rest of the movie.
59:22 Bill Simmons? You know, the only moment in this entire movie when he talks in a normal voice is when she gets the phone call that the guy died, Roger Predator.
59:31 Speaker 01 That's right. He goes back in the house.
59:33 Bill Simmons? In the room is like.
59:34 Speaker 01 Melissa, I'm sorry.
59:35 Bill Simmons? Melissa, I'm sorry. But he, it's, he's not doing Ace Ventura. It's the only time in the movie.
59:39 Speaker 02 And those moments are really good. In that same scene, I like, I don't know why this is in the movie, but they're chatting and he goes, what do you feed your dog? And she's like, dog food? And he's like, he's clearly unhappy. And it's kind of serious and I don't really know why it's there, but it's really good.
59:53 Speaker 01 That scene's coming up later for me.
59:56 Bill Simmons? The Butch's Girlfriend Award for weak link of the film. I have a, I have a really hardcore one here.
1:00:03 Speaker 01 A really what?
1:00:04 Bill Simmons? Hardcore one.
1:00:06 Speaker 01 Okay.
1:00:07 Bill Simmons? Nobody would wear their 1984 AFC Championship ring. Not one person.
1:00:12 Speaker 01 I thought we had.
1:00:13 Bill Simmons? It's fucking absurd.
1:00:14 Speaker 01 I was thinking of humans.
1:00:15 Bill Simmons? We have what's age the worst coming up where we're gonna cover the problem with this movie.
1:00:20 Speaker 02 The idea that everybody associated with that game still wears the ring every day.
1:00:23 Bill Simmons? Every single person's like, you know, is the highlight of my career, the AFC title game.
1:00:27 Speaker 02 10 years ago.
1:00:28 Bill Simmons? That I won. And then we lost in the Super Bowl and I'm just gonna, first of all, people, as you guys both know, people don't normally wear their rings anyway because they're big and heavy and cumbersome. You're definitely not wearing your AFC championship ring. And if you did, that's like maybe three guys on the team. So that plot's just falling sideways.
1:00:48 Speaker 01 The Heat, the Heat people stand out in the NBA community because they often wear their championship rings, at least one of them. And people, they are sometimes gently mocked for doing it, but they do it.
1:01:01 Bill Simmons? Well, you know who does it? We don't have to name names, but the owners wear the rings. They're the ones that wear them because they love nothing more than somebody noticing the ring, pointing it out and asking to put it on. And they're like, oh, sure.
1:01:15 Speaker 02 And they're the most important to the, to the win, to the championship.
1:01:18 Bill Simmons? This is like their, their walking trophy wife, basically.
1:01:22 Speaker 01 Joe Laker made the Warriors light years ahead.
1:01:24 Bill Simmons? That's true.
1:01:25 Speaker 02 Don't get me started.
1:01:25 Bill Simmons? But the players don't wear them. Have you ever seen a player wearing one of their rings? The irony of these rings is it's like, gotta get the ring and then you fucking put it in a safety deposit box.
1:01:34 Speaker 02 To continue on your point, why would these people be wearing these rings? Also, you know, Finkel loses the gem and the ring in the tub. Why, why would she be wearing that? When she's stealing the dolphin? Why?
1:01:46 Bill Simmons? She wouldn't. That's because this is a dumb movie.
1:01:49 Speaker 01 And also you're, she's not, she's not trying to advertise that.
1:01:52 Speaker 02 She's in disguise.
1:01:53 Speaker 01 Yeah.
1:01:53 Speaker 02 Why is she wearing the ring at all?
1:01:56 Bill Simmons? Would you have for weak link?
1:01:57 Speaker 01 I wouldn't ask too many questions about the plot, actually, when, once you start to unravel.
1:02:02 Bill Simmons? It's tough.
1:02:03 Speaker 01 I went a little more literal. I, I, I had the blandest of the Courtney Cox character. Also don't really get why Tone Loc is in the movie. I wish, I wish Tone Loc'd it up a little bit more, but you know, but I, I, and I mean, I'm gonna talk more football later, but I think the football parts of it are a little wanting.
1:02:21 Speaker 02 Mine was just, the resolution of the movie is probably the weak link now, you know?
1:02:26 Bill Simmons? Yeah, it looks like it was a TV movie made by, I don't know, PBS.
1:02:32 Speaker 02 The hemorrhoids reveal and all of that, you know? Aside from it not aging well, it's just like kind of a weak resolution, I think.
1:02:40 Bill Simmons? Oh, you meant the actual resolution.
1:02:41 Speaker 02 Yeah.
1:02:42 Bill Simmons? I thought you meant the resolution of the, of the picture.
1:02:45 Speaker 02 No.
1:02:45 Bill Simmons? You meant the resolution.
1:02:46 Speaker 02 I mean, the literal resolution, the climax.
1:02:47 Bill Simmons? The intricate plot.
1:02:48 Speaker 02 Yeah.
1:02:49 Bill Simmons? Well, that's the problem. Every comedy from this era had a bad ending.
1:02:52 Speaker 02 I'm half tying it into the fact that it's like, obviously inappropriate, but it, it is kind of like, eh, if that wasn't there, probably a little bit more watchable.
1:03:02 Bill Simmons? Did this movie have a porn parody? Well, I looked it up and it did. And it's called, it came out in 1995 and it's called Ass Ventura Crack Detective. Directed by Herschel Savage.
1:03:18 Speaker 02 What's the plot? Can you explain it?
1:03:19 Bill Simmons? I mean, she calls him pet dick in the movie. That's waiting for that. You don't have to change it that much, you know? They did.
1:03:26 Speaker 02 Were animals involved or did they kind of move away from that?
1:03:29 Bill Simmons? Honestly, I thought about doing more research and decided I didn't want to get a virus on my iPad.
1:03:32 Speaker 02 It could go to a dark place quick with the animals.
1:03:35 Bill Simmons? Yeah, that, the porn parody thing, you want to search for it on IMDb, but you don't actually want to click on a link.
1:03:40 Speaker 01 Well, was it called Ass?
1:03:42 Bill Simmons? Ass Ventura Crack Detective.
1:03:45 Speaker 02 It's not even good.
1:03:46 Speaker 01 Crack's kind of a stretch. Like that doesn't rhyme with it. It's like, I can understand why it's there, but.
1:03:50 Bill Simmons? Now I gotta call this up because I, I didn't write down what the guy's name was.
1:03:52 Speaker 02 Crack Detective is terrible. You could have just said sex detective.
1:03:55 Speaker 01 Yeah.
1:03:56 Bill Simmons? Ass Ventura Crack Detective. So his name is Asford Ass Ventura. Searches for Fanny, the life of, the wife of Los Angeles mayor Peter Rumpford.
1:04:10 Speaker 02 I feel like they could have cast.
1:04:11 Bill Simmons? I think I'm getting a virus. I gotta get out of this.
1:04:14 Speaker 02 They could have cast the same woman from the first scene of the movie, probably in the porn parody as well.
1:04:18 Bill Simmons? Easily. Maybe she double dipped.
1:04:19 Speaker 01 A more acrobatic and entertaining sex scene than the Courtney Cox, Jim Carrey sex scene.
1:04:24 Speaker 02 That, that opening scene when he's like, people sure are friendly around here.
1:04:31 Bill Simmons? We're gonna take one more break and do, uh, what's age the worst? Buckle up.
1:04:34 Speaker 01 Oh, boy.
1:04:35 Bill Simmons? This episode is brought to you by Viori. All right, let's talk about a category we appreciate. Clothes that stay in the rotation. Viori earned that spot. Their core shorts are good for workouts, travel day, weekend, whatever. And the Strato Tech T ridiculously soft. It's the kind of gear you keep reaching for because it's comfortable while still looking put together. Get 20% off your first purchase at Viori.com/rewatchables and discover the versatility of Viori clothing. Exclusions apply. Visit the website for full terms and conditions.
1:05:09 Speaker 04 FanDuel is now available everywhere in the US.
1:05:17 Speaker 04 So you can get in on the sports action no matter where you are, including these places.
1:05:26 Speaker 04 Make this your most rewarding season ever with FanDuel. Age and location restrictions apply. Product availability varies by market. See FanDuel.com for eligibility. Gambling problem? Call 1-800-GAMBLER.
1:05:39 Bill Simmons? All right, let's age the worst. We could spend 30 minutes on this, or we could spend 30 seconds. I vote for 30 seconds. The trans stuff in this movie is tough. 30-plus years later.
1:05:51 Bill Simmons? Not going to defend it. It's 1994. This is just how it was in 1994. The one thing I will say about, uh... So The Crying Game was a cultural phenomenon when it came out, maybe 18 months earlier. It was a huge movie. The reveal was like, keep the reveal a secret. It was stuff that would never happen now on the internet. And they're trying to parody The Crying Game in this, which I'm not sure anyone under 30 would even know that they're doing. Carrie said, "I want it to be the biggest, most obnoxious homophobic reaction ever recorded." He's parodying The Crying Game thing.
1:06:28 Bill Simmons? Obviously, it's not age well. Naked Gun 3 also did a twist this. 90210, in the sophomore year of season finale episodes in Palm Springs, also went down this road where Steve Sanders thought he was gonna hook up with this girl, and it turned out he had a little surprise coming. So this was in the air in the mid-'90s. So we just have to put in context. I'm sure you guys don't have anything to add. We could just move on. Great. Not great. Star Trek impressions have aged the worst because that show came out in 1966?
1:07:05 Bill Simmons? And I wrote down Melissa liking Ace.
1:07:11 Speaker 01 What is?
1:07:12 Speaker 02 I thought the same thing until I read that she literally liked him in real life. Watching him on set. So how can you say?
1:07:19 Bill Simmons? Maybe he just wears you down.
1:07:21 Speaker 02 She even said that he was toned down in rehearsal. And when they actually started filming for real and he started going big. That was when she was like, oh, my God, this is the funniest man I've ever met. And I started to develop a crush on him.
1:07:33 Speaker 01 Okay.
1:07:33 Speaker 02 So how can, how can we deny Courtney Cox's feelings?
1:07:38 Bill Simmons? She's full of a lot of love and she loved laughing.
1:07:42 Speaker 01 The only thing I would add to age the worst, and I, this could also be my hot take category. I think some of the big jokes are just flat out not funny. Like, I think talking out of the ass is not funny.
1:07:54 Bill Simmons? Oh, that just hurts my heart.
1:07:55 Speaker 01 I think the Tex Cobb one, uh, where he's in the car chase and he says assholes in the mirror appear closer than they appear. Like lame, there are a couple lame, just flat lame jokes.
1:08:06 Bill Simmons? He's firing 12 threes a game.
1:08:08 Speaker 02 Mm hmm.
1:08:09 Bill Simmons? He's, he's just trying to go four, five for 12.
1:08:12 Speaker 01 Some of them are scripted in ways that like the writers are like, we gotta hit this one hard. Like this feels like a landmark joke. And I think almost all of them are like whiffs or foul balls.
1:08:20 Speaker 02 It also varies between like, that's pretty funny to a 12 year old, maybe not funny to an 18 year old.
1:08:25 Speaker 01 Yeah, I guess what are they going for, right? They're not, they're not going for me right now in 2026.
1:08:30 Bill Simmons? Can I ask you a question? Is a fucking murderers row comedy for a six year old? I can just tell you from my two kids.
1:08:37 Speaker 02 Assholio and Sodomia.
1:08:39 Bill Simmons? Yeah.
1:08:39 Speaker 02 The best part about that is it cuts away to Sean Young and then it cuts back to show that like he's still going.
1:08:45 Bill Simmons? Yeah.
1:08:45 Speaker 02 And still doing the ass thing. It's like been going on for a while.
1:08:48 Speaker 01 Best part of that is.
1:08:49 Speaker 02 And now he's singing.
1:08:50 Speaker 01 I think the best part of that is Tone Loc being like legitimately terrified that he's gonna get in trouble because Ace Ventura is fucking around on his desk. And it's somehow it's supposed to.
1:08:59 Bill Simmons? He breaks at the end of it. Tone Loc, you can see him starting to be like this fucking guy, like just started to laugh at the end. Um.
1:09:07 Speaker 02 I have a couple what's age the worst.
1:09:08 Bill Simmons? Go.
1:09:08 Speaker 02 Um, the ending credits song. Have, did you hear it? Do you, you know that?
1:09:14 Bill Simmons? It's bad.
1:09:14 Speaker 02 It's a Tone Loc song, but Jim Carrey does the intro and he goes.
1:09:17 Speaker 01 Yes.
1:09:18 Speaker 02 Tone, put that big ass size 13 on and kick it for the homies. That's like the very beginning of the credit.
1:09:24 Bill Simmons? That's the last time a white person ever, ever tried to say a sentence like that.
1:09:28 Speaker 02 Doesn't really work. Um, professional sports teams having live animal mascots.
1:09:35 Speaker 01 Oh.
1:09:36 Speaker 02 Not really a thing anymore.
1:09:38 Bill Simmons? I don't know if you know Zach's background with mascots.
1:09:41 Speaker 01 I'm a big mascot guy.
1:09:42 Bill Simmons? He's like probably the number.
1:09:44 Speaker 01 He means like live, like an actual trapped animal.
1:09:48 Bill Simmons? I know, but you're, this is one of your corners.
1:09:50 Speaker 01 Yeah, but if you, I, I have no objection to that because if you replaced Snowflake, the real dolphin.
1:09:55 Bill Simmons? No, I'm saying you're, you're excited that this topic came up.
1:09:57 Speaker 01 Oh, I'm very excited. I want to talk more about the Eagles mascot getting the crap kicked out of it at the end of the game.
1:10:01 Speaker 02 I have an issue with that, that we'll get to. But yeah, can you think of a professional or a collegiate sports team that still has a live animal? Some do. There's the Georgia Bulldog.
1:10:09 Bill Simmons? Cause the friggin' PETA.
1:10:10 Speaker 02 But it's a dog, so there's no, you know, that's not an issue.
1:10:12 Speaker 01 Buffalo runs out, but we don't really know what's happening with the Buffalo at Colorado games, like in its general life.
1:10:19 Bill Simmons? The Bulldog's strong. I like the Bulldog idea.
1:10:21 Speaker 02 But it's a dog, so it's not really animal cruelty.
1:10:23 Speaker 01 The Celtics have an actual human being who's just a human without a costume really is their mascot. I don't know where that falls.
1:10:30 Bill Simmons? What's your number one mascot in the NBA, NBA right now?
1:10:34 Speaker 01 It's hard to argue with Benny the Bull. Benny the Bull or the Raptor would be number one and two. Stuff the Magic Dragon most underrated.
1:10:40 Bill Simmons? What was the worst mascot of the last 20 years for you?
1:10:43 Speaker 01 Well, they murdered the Brooklyn Knight, the creatively named Brooklyn Knight, uh, who was like part Marvel superhero, part like knight and descended from the ceiling.
1:10:54 Bill Simmons? That came out of some sort of marketing meeting going wrong.
1:10:56 Speaker 01 And then they were like, let's just pretend this never happened. He left.
1:10:59 Bill Simmons? I like when they pretend the mascot never happened is my favorite version of mascot.
1:11:03 Speaker 01 They poochied the mascot and Poochie went back to his planet.
1:11:04 Speaker 02 Did the Dolphins have a real dolphin? Was that accurate?
1:11:07 Speaker 01 I don't know.
1:11:07 Bill Simmons? I don't think so. People go to a football game, they, guess what they want to do? Get drunk in the parking lot before the game and then watch football. They don't care like, oh, there's a dolphin.
1:11:16 Speaker 02 Does LSU have a tiger? Did they have a tiger?
1:11:19 Speaker 01 I think they have a tiger. I think it's in like a cage. It comes out.
1:11:23 Bill Simmons? Pete is protesting it now. Um, anymore?
1:11:27 Speaker 02 Uh, no.
1:11:29 Bill Simmons? The Dorfler's Door Award for how much did that hurt? I threw this in there because I wanted to ask you guys, falling off of three story roof into a bunch of garbage bags? I feel like that would hurt more than a dozen movies. We talked about this in another podcast recently.
1:11:43 Speaker 02 Yeah.
1:11:44 Bill Simmons? Where people jump into the dumpster and it always works out perfectly with garbage bags. You never land on a broken wine bottle or like somebody put a chainsaw in there. Just always like a nice comfy thing. I just have some questions.
1:11:55 Speaker 01 This is a great, you're speaking some of these ideas into existence as we were doing earlier.
1:12:01 Bill Simmons? So would that hurt?
1:12:03 Speaker 02 Yeah, there are probably, I mean, there's a scene where two henchmen take a giant metal hook to the head. That's probably the one that'll take you out.
1:12:10 Bill Simmons? Yeah.
1:12:10 Speaker 02 That's a good one.
1:12:11 Bill Simmons? I think that would hurt. Uh, the Ruffalo Hannah Rubenek Parkage overacting.
1:12:14 Speaker 01 I have an answer for, uh, what hurts the most.
1:12:16 Bill Simmons? What is it?
1:12:17 Speaker 01 When, during the, uh, asylum visit, when he reaches the end of his performance and he just smacks his head down into like a leather bench.
1:12:27 Speaker 02 Great call.
1:12:27 Speaker 01 I'm like, it looks like he actually just straight up at full velocity smacked his head into a leather bench. I'm sure it's padded and all that, but I'm like, he went hard in that.
1:12:37 Speaker 02 You have to respect it. That's what I'm saying.
1:12:39 Bill Simmons? Stefan Diggs had one of those in the AFC title game when he headbutted the guy with the helmet on and he didn't have a helmet. You guys are nuts.
1:12:45 Speaker 02 Didn't Vrabel do that to somebody who's bleeding?
1:12:47 Bill Simmons? Yeah. Uh, Ruffalo Hannah Rubenek Parkage overacting word. I don't know how this doesn't go to Sean Young.
1:12:54 Speaker 02 It's, it's, and there's one moment of Sean Young.
1:12:55 Speaker 01 Esmentor!
1:12:56 Bill Simmons? Like, I don't know what she's going for with the overacting.
1:13:00 Speaker 01 Just so into it.
1:13:01 Speaker 02 The final scene, when they're in the warehouse and he's exposing her as a man, she's like convulsing and shaking the whole time.
1:13:10 Speaker 01 It's one of the most bizarre. Every time I watched that, I'm like, whose choice was this?
1:13:16 Bill Simmons? It's like she's having a seizure.
1:13:18 Speaker 01 Did she go to the director and be like, I think what my character do, do is just wobble here with a weird look on their, on their face.
1:13:24 Bill Simmons? Wouldn't she just have like an evil look on her face?
1:13:26 Speaker 02 Yeah, she's having like, I guess it's a psychotic breakdown, but she's like twitching and sweating and shaking.
1:13:32 Bill Simmons? It's very strange. Well, this is exciting. Zach gets to do the CR thinks Luke Wilson could have been Harrison Ford hottest take award for the first time.
1:13:41 Speaker 01 I already did them all. Oh, I, okay. My three were all the big jokes with Courtney Cox is bland.
1:13:47 Bill Simmons? Those aren't hottest takes.
1:13:49 Speaker 01 Those are not that hot enough? Those are pretty hot takes.
1:13:51 Speaker 02 The name of the category is Chris Ryan thinks Luke Wilson could have been Harrison Ford.
1:13:55 Bill Simmons? Yeah, hottest take has to be if Steph Curry never met Klay Thompson, we wouldn't know who he was. It's gotta be like, whoa.
1:14:02 Speaker 01 I don't know if I have one that hot.
1:14:04 Bill Simmons? Craig will teach you how to do this.
1:14:05 Speaker 02 I genuinely think Jim Carrey should have gotten an Oscar nomination for this role.
1:14:09 Speaker 01 I flirted with that and I thought maybe it's too ridiculous to say.
1:14:12 Speaker 02 I mean, you want to talk about a singular performance, something that is irreplaceable, that you cannot have anybody slot in and do, find me a role that somebody else could do.
1:14:21 Bill Simmons? Who do we have in the category? Do you have it?
1:14:23 Speaker 02 Uh, I'll pull it back up. Um, okay. Best Actor in a Leading Role 95, Tom Hanks, Forrest Gump. Morgan Freeman, Shawshank Redemption.
1:14:31 Bill Simmons? Oh.
1:14:32 Speaker 02 Nigel Hawthorne, The Madness of King George.
1:14:35 Bill Simmons? Eh, probably would do that one again.
1:14:37 Speaker 02 John Travolta, Pulp Fiction and Paul Newman, Nobody's Fool.
1:14:43 Bill Simmons? It's a career achievement, Oscar.
1:14:44 Speaker 02 You just can't tell me what Carrey is doing in this from a commitment and acting and, and can this person be replaced perspective is one of one. Nobody can do what he did and, and make a hundred million dollars doing it.
1:14:56 Bill Simmons? So a couple of things, and I've said this on my pod, I've argued about this with Sean. I do think that comedy, like if they want to make the Oscars more fun, like funniest performance of the year should be an Oscar.
1:15:09 Speaker 01 Well, now it's all a mess with these different, The Golden Globes was a complete mess with trying to, what counts as a comedy, what's not a comedy, none of these movies are actually funny.
1:15:18 Speaker 02 They split it between musical and comedy and drama just to nominate more movies.
1:15:21 Bill Simmons? The other idea that's sitting there is MVP for the year and it would have to be somebody that was in at least two important movies or influential movies or whatever. Like Carrey's the MVP of 94, he puts out three comedies, he makes whatever. Nobody else is competing, Hanks had Forrest Gump, that's it. Nobody else is competing with that. If you think of 94, you probably think I carried first. That should be commemorated in some way.
1:15:46 Speaker 02 Yeah, like next year, Tom Holland is in The Odyssey, he's in Spider-Man, he's in Avengers, but it, it kind of turns into, do your movies gross the most money?
1:15:54 Bill Simmons? No, but I don't even think it has to do that. Just like if you're in two, three different things, if you direct two movies in the same year, there's some sort of, or you make a movie and then you produce another movie.
1:16:03 Speaker 02 I even think best comedic performance would be great because they rarely give nominations to those people.
1:16:08 Bill Simmons? Yeah.
1:16:09 Speaker 02 And it would recognize them. Such a bummer because they're some of the hardest things to do as an actor to be funny.
1:16:12 Bill Simmons? My hottest take.
1:16:15 Bill Simmons? I think Marino and Ace Ventura, who we didn't really talk about Dan Marino. I think it's the fourth best athlete playing himself cameo of all time.
1:16:24 Speaker 01 I think.
1:16:24 Bill Simmons? Not third, not second, not first, but I think fourth.
1:16:27 Speaker 01 I mean, I think he's like bad.
1:16:29 Bill Simmons? No, I think it's important. I think he's funny. He's staying Dan Marino. He's, he's keeping the course.
1:16:37 Speaker 01 Marino.
1:16:38 Bill Simmons? He's like, this is who I am. I'm not going to try to act. I'm just going to be Dan Marino. I think he's kind of funny. I think it's funny that he's not funny. So here's what I have.
1:16:50 Bill Simmons? The Mount Rushmore for me is Kareem in Airplane, Reggie Jackson in Naked Gun, and Mike Tyson in The Hangover, along with Dan Marino. On the cusp.
1:16:58 Speaker 01 Those first three are so much better than Marino.
1:17:01 Bill Simmons? Well, I needed a fourth for Mount Rushmore.
1:17:03 Speaker 01 You've got to feel to do better.
1:17:04 Bill Simmons? Jeter and the other guys, other guys, anybody?
1:17:06 Speaker 02 It's brief. It's a cameo.
1:17:07 Speaker 01 I never saw it.
1:17:08 Bill Simmons? It's a cameo. Favre in There's Something About Mary.
1:17:10 Speaker 02 Pretty good.
1:17:11 Bill Simmons? Which sets up the Brett Favre joke. And Ken Griffey in Little Big League as himself.
1:17:17 Speaker 01 Yeah.
1:17:17 Bill Simmons? But it's, there's not a lot of, we've had athletes playing characters. Or Shaq playing like Neon, like stuff like that, but not like, I'm playing myself in this thing. I'm not disrupting the movie. And it's kind of fun that I'm here. I think Marino checks all the boxes.
1:17:32 Speaker 01 No Space Jam, nobody.
1:17:34 Bill Simmons? I can't count Space Jam.
1:17:36 Speaker 01 I think Space Jam is bad.
1:17:38 Bill Simmons? But well, I so, it's an, it's, there's a reason it hasn't been on rewatchables.
1:17:43 Speaker 02 I think it's also surprising that Dan Marino's in this movie. Dan Marino's like 32, 33 when they filmed this, so like well in his prime.
1:17:50 Speaker 01 Both him and Don Shula.
1:17:52 Speaker 02 Right.
1:17:52 Speaker 01 Like, it's like, how, why did you say yes to this?
1:17:55 Bill Simmons? I gotta say, it was, it was a big deal that Dan Marino was in this movie. The equipment of Jim Kelly being in this movie now?
1:18:03 Speaker 02 Cause again, like, as we said, no one knew this movie was going to be a thing.
1:18:07 Bill Simmons? That's the thing. It's, it makes no sense that.
1:18:09 Speaker 01 Like, did Dan Marino read the script and think, you know what?
1:18:12 Speaker 02 Yeah.
1:18:13 Speaker 01 It's kind of weird. I like this.
1:18:14 Speaker 02 I'm going to be legitimately in this movie and get kidnapped. I mean, I don't even, the 2026 parallel is like, they're making a movie. They're making, well, no, it's got, it would be like, they're making a movie with Marcelo Hernandez where Patrick Mahomes gets kidnapped.
1:18:28 Bill Simmons? Yeah.
1:18:28 Speaker 02 And then instead of Tone Loc, it's like Benson Boone is the side character in it. Like, I just, that would never happen. I can't believe they did it.
1:18:36 Bill Simmons? I can't believe he did it and I love that he's in it and he was really famous. It was Montana Moreno and Elway were the three QBs for 12 years. Those were the guys.
1:18:45 Speaker 01 Shula I'd forgotten about and it's, it's two seconds.
1:18:49 Speaker 02 Funny too.
1:18:50 Speaker 01 Yeah.
1:18:50 Bill Simmons? You think Marino's agent was like, I think you should see this movie and Marino's like,
1:18:55 Bill Simmons? the white guy in Living Color? What happens? I get kidnapped?
1:18:59 Speaker 01 No, no, this would be good for you, Dan.
1:19:01 Speaker 02 You get to make out with Sean Young, he's like, alright.
1:19:04 Speaker 01 How much more money did Jim Carrey get than Dan Marino? For their respective work in this movie?
1:19:09 Bill Simmons? So Jim Carrey got 350, Marino probably got at least 50K.
1:19:12 Speaker 01 Marino, yeah.
1:19:13 Speaker 02 Or the same amount.
1:19:14 Speaker 01 I can't believe Dan Marino is doing this for like less than a hundred dollars.
1:19:18 Bill Simmons? Did Isotoner pay for the Marino cameo?
1:19:20 Speaker 02 Ooh.
1:19:22 Bill Simmons? Casting what ifs?
1:19:24 Speaker 02 Wow.
1:19:24 Bill Simmons? Filmmakers first approached Rick Moranis, who declined.
1:19:29 Speaker 02 I think the entire casting what ifs for Ace Ventura is in What's Age of the Worst.
1:19:33 Bill Simmons? Whoopi Goldberg?
1:19:34 Speaker 01 Yeah, they flirted with a, a pet detective.
1:19:37 Bill Simmons? David Alan Greer turned it down. Lauren Holly turned down the female lead that went to Courtney Cox. Daniel Stern was supposed to direct.
1:19:45 Speaker 02 There's a couple others for Ace. Judd Nelson?
1:19:47 Speaker 01 Judd Nelson, I was like, that feels like the internet.
1:19:50 Bill Simmons? I didn't believe that.
1:19:50 Speaker 01 Feels like the internet made that up.
1:19:51 Speaker 02 And then Alan Rickman?
1:19:53 Speaker 01 Again, I didn't.
1:19:54 Speaker 02 What are we?
1:19:55 Bill Simmons? See Craig, this is why I decipher it through my shit detector when I read these. You go, especially when you go on IMDb when they have the trivia. About halfway down, it gets like, it feels like you and I could just type stuff in.
1:20:08 Speaker 02 Right.
1:20:08 Bill Simmons? Like, Zach Lowe is considered to be Ace Ventura and that could just get in?
1:20:12 Speaker 01 Now Alan Rickman did, what's the Star Wars parody that he did that he's fantastic in? No, Alan Rickman.
1:20:17 Speaker 02 Oh, sorry, I thought you were saying Moranis.
1:20:19 Speaker 01 The space movie where they're making the TV show where he's very funny in that movie. Um, Tim Allen's in it.
1:20:26 Speaker 02 Oh, um, Galaxy Quest.
1:20:28 Speaker 01 Yes, yes. So he had like a little fun side to him, but this is like.
1:20:33 Speaker 02 This movie doesn't exist.
1:20:34 Speaker 01 You can't, you can't possibly imagine Alan Rickman in this movie.
1:20:37 Bill Simmons? I do believe Rick Moranis though, and I think he was still famous enough that it could have happened. Uh, best that guy. So Ace's landlord?
1:20:46 Speaker 01 That's it, that's the one.
1:20:47 Speaker 02 That is the guy.
1:20:48 Bill Simmons? He was Sosa's hitman from Scarface that Tony kills in the car?
1:20:51 Speaker 02 He's also Hector Salamak.
1:20:53 Bill Simmons? Look at you now!
1:20:54 Speaker 01 Yeah, Hector Salamak.
1:20:55 Speaker 02 From Breaking Bad.
1:20:56 Bill Simmons? Yeah.
1:20:56 Speaker 02 He's the guy in the wheelchair. He's funny in this movie.
1:20:58 Bill Simmons? I heard the animals scratching around.
1:21:02 Speaker 01 He's really, he goes for it.
1:21:04 Speaker 02 I heard them animals in there, Ventura.
1:21:06 Bill Simmons? The fat guy, the fat cop that's, that heckles Ace is one of those guys. And he was on Seinfeld. He's been.
1:21:13 Speaker 01 So I, I did.
1:21:14 Bill Simmons? I don't know what that guy's name is.
1:21:15 Speaker 01 I did his, it's John something. It's a long last name. I did his IMDb because he was gonna be my answer for overacting heat check award because he, every line he delivered, like he steps on the bug, he's like homicide Ventura. How you gonna solve that one?
1:21:29 Speaker 01 Just so over the top.
1:21:33 Bill Simmons? Dion Waiters, Zach says no Dan Marino. It's gotta be the mom, Ray Finkle's mom, right?
1:21:37 Speaker 02 Miss Finkle.
1:21:38 Speaker 01 What, what was the, what is the?
1:21:40 Bill Simmons? Dion Waiters, biggest heat check?
1:21:42 Speaker 02 I mean.
1:21:45 Speaker 01 Both great candidates.
1:21:47 Speaker 02 She commands that house for two minutes.
1:21:49 Speaker 01 Yeah, that's a great.
1:21:50 Bill Simmons? She's kinda weird looking.
1:21:51 Speaker 02 Yeah.
1:21:52 Bill Simmons? I just, I dig her performance in this.
1:21:54 Speaker 01 It's great.
1:21:55 Bill Simmons? The gonorrhea line kills me. Recasting couch director city. I wanted more Dolphins. More Miami Dolphins. I just would have appreciated, maybe they didn't have that many famous Dolphins at the time, but I would have put more NFL players in there.
1:22:10 Speaker 02 I like when he chloroforms the guy. Tackles him to the ground.
1:22:13 Speaker 01 Yeah, it's a crime. It's a pretty serious crime.
1:22:17 Bill Simmons? The Tone Loc part, I, I do think that would be the one I would really look hard at.
1:22:21 Speaker 01 Yeah.
1:22:22 Bill Simmons? Like if we're, if we're going pie in the sky, like that's just Eddie Murphy for two scenes. If we're going realistic, like why not run back one of the In Living Color guys? Like just get Tommy Davidson to be Tone Loc's part.
1:22:34 Speaker 02 Because Tone Loc was quite famous at the time, right?
1:22:38 Bill Simmons? He, he had Funky Cold Benin, he had one song.
1:22:40 Speaker 02 And he had, what's, doesn't he have another one? Does he have Wild Thing?
1:22:43 Speaker 01 He had two or three huge.
1:22:44 Bill Simmons? I guess he had Wild Thing too.
1:22:45 Speaker 01 Yeah.
1:22:46 Speaker 02 Yeah.
1:22:46 Bill Simmons? I don't know. Nobody's going to the movie to go see Tone Loc.
1:22:51 Bill Simmons? Oh, no offense to Tone Loc.
1:22:52 Speaker 01 I would, I, I think the Sean Young character you can recast with 25 different people and it could be.
1:22:57 Bill Simmons? Sharon Stone?
1:22:58 Speaker 01 We're just, whoa.
1:23:00 Bill Simmons? Craig, you have a flex that you got?
1:23:02 Speaker 02 Okay, I created a new category and I figured it was time to introduce this because this happens every movie we do that's in the 80s and 90s. It's the millennial missed reference power ranking. And these are all the things that happened in this movie that when I saw it, and even half of them to this day, it goes right over my head.
1:23:19 Speaker 02 "Hi Captain Stubing, how are Gopher and Doc?" No idea what that meant. The crying game song, no idea what that was. The captain's log, "I just can't do it, Captain." No idea what that was. "For God's sakes, Jim, I'm a doctor, not a pool man." No idea what that is.
1:23:36 Bill Simmons? Great line, by the way.
1:23:38 Speaker 02 He asked for Benaka at one point.
1:23:39 Speaker 01 Yeah, ass does.
1:23:41 Speaker 02 I don't know what Benaka is.
1:23:42 Bill Simmons? Is Benaka doesn't exist anymore?
1:23:44 Speaker 01 It's breath spray.
1:23:45 Speaker 02 Okay.
1:23:45 Speaker 01 It was big around that time. That was a big time for Benaka.
1:23:48 Speaker 02 There's a line where Ventura says, "Busted out of a mental institute, did a Claude Rains, and he's been plotting his revenge for years." I don't know what Claude Rains means.
1:23:55 Bill Simmons? I'm not even sure I know who Claude Rains is. I think he was an actor.
1:23:58 Speaker 01 I used to know and my brain forgot.
1:24:01 Speaker 02 "I have exercised the demons."
1:24:03 Speaker 01 It's another big joke that I don't like. I think that scene is one joke too long and that's the joke.
1:24:10 Speaker 02 Which I learned is from Poltergeist, which I have since seen that this house is clear.
1:24:14 Bill Simmons? It's the short lady.
1:24:15 Speaker 01 I hated that. That's the hammer. They intend that to be the hammer of that sequence and it doesn't ruin it, but it taints it.
1:24:22 Speaker 02 Couple more, just Tone Loc in general. Didn't know who that was or why he was in that movie.
1:24:27 Bill Simmons? Tone Loc in general.
1:24:28 Speaker 02 I had to look it up for the Funky Coleman Dana song. "Tonight on Miami Vice, Crockett gets the boss a coffee." I didn't know at the time, right over my head. And then, "Lovely party, putty, I wasn't invited." Sean Connery, didn't know it at the time.
1:24:43 Bill Simmons? Good category.
1:24:44 Speaker 02 So many things that...
1:24:45 Speaker 01 Very good category.
1:24:46 Speaker 02 When you're 14 or whatever, I laughed at all of it, no idea what any of it meant.
1:24:50 Speaker 01 I mean, but I had the same experience in 1994. I didn't watch Star Trek. The Captain Stuben line, I wouldn't have got at all. The pool man line, I wouldn't have got at all. Like a lot of that, at that time, despite the fact that I'm much older than a millennial, I would not have gotten.
1:25:05 Speaker 02 And you know what? I think it makes the case for making cultural references in movies. Because everybody tries not to do that anymore because it's like, oh, in five years, nobody will get it. And I don't think it matters. I think if the movie is funny and the character is funny, that stuff will age in a fun way, like an Easter egg kind of way.
1:25:20 Bill Simmons? The only time I've really seen it be damaging was Wayne's World 2.
1:25:25 Bill Simmons? Where it was beyond the cultural references and the whole thing is basically a parody of the movie The Doors that you wouldn't know if five years later what was going on.
1:25:33 Speaker 02 If the whole movie is one reference that nobody gets that stuff.
1:25:36 Bill Simmons? But I'm with you. One of the reasons I like when people do that, not just because I get all the jokes. It does firmly place you in whatever year the movie was made, right?
1:25:46 Speaker 02 Yeah.
1:25:46 Bill Simmons? So if you did it now, somebody would make like a Stranger Things joke or something. It would just like belong to 2026.
1:25:52 Speaker 02 Yeah, like if somebody like was doing something, got a little bloody nose from Stranger Things and they didn't, they didn't acknowledge it. That would be great and people would enjoy that.
1:26:00 Bill Simmons? Love that.
1:26:00 Speaker 02 Yes.
1:26:01 Bill Simmons? Half past century research, we did a lot of these. One of my favorite things of the research was Jennifer Aniston once told a story about visiting Courtney Cox and bringing a copy of the movie to watch and Courtney Cox refused to watch it. Was apparently embarrassed by it.
1:26:16 Speaker 02 Again.
1:26:18 Bill Simmons? Real life Dolphins kicker Pete Stojanovich filled in for Sean Young and did the kick and did, nailed all the takes.
1:26:25 Speaker 01 So he's got the wig on, they brought Pete Stojanovich and put a wig on.
1:26:29 Speaker 02 You can kind of tell if you watch it.
1:26:30 Speaker 01 Put the, put the.
1:26:32 Bill Simmons? Interesting twist wrinkle to this, after the movie comes out. Marino, one of his best chances, I can't remember if it was 94 or 95. One of his best chances to make the Super Bowl, probably his last big chance. I think it was for the 95 when the Chargers made it and they lost. They're beating the Chargers 21-6. Chargers come back, take the lead 22-21. The reason I remember the score is because I had wagers on this game.
1:26:59 Speaker 01 There was no question why you remembered the score.
1:27:01 Bill Simmons? Marino gets the ball with 30 seconds left. I think I'm remembering this right, long pass interference to get into field goal range for Pete Stojanovich. Who missed the field goal.
1:27:15 Speaker 02 Wow.
1:27:15 Bill Simmons? Ended their season.
1:27:17 Speaker 01 I do, I do.
1:27:18 Bill Simmons? The curse of Ace Ventura.
1:27:19 Speaker 01 I do say, I do, when I watch movies that have heartbreaking sports moments in this one, like Scott Norwood can never watch this movie. Like think about the things in Scott.
1:27:28 Bill Simmons? It is, it's like crying game. It's like a parody of the Scott Norwood thing too. They made it 26 yards, which is like.
1:27:34 Speaker 01 Gary Anderson.
1:27:35 Bill Simmons? Billy Cundiff's like the only one who's missed.
1:27:36 Speaker 01 Gary Anderson could never watch this movie.
1:27:38 Bill Simmons? No.
1:27:39 Speaker 01 Couldn't watch it.
1:27:40 Bill Simmons? Not true. Hopefully the Patriots kicker won't have the experience of being scarred by this.
1:27:45 Speaker 02 Speaking of, I mean, Dan Marino getting abducted right before the Super Bowl, who are they playing, the 2025 Patriots?
1:27:53 Speaker 01 Wow.
1:27:55 Speaker 02 Somebody keep an eye on Darnold this week.
1:27:58 Speaker 01 I do think the, the, the Super Bowl, it looks like the least, the least amount of pageantry, the least hyped crowd ever for a Super Bowl, and no one seems-
1:28:09 Bill Simmons? It's really bad.
1:28:10 Speaker 02 Well, Dan Marino was, was kidnapped.
1:28:12 Speaker 01 No, and no one seems like that concerned, like the Super Bowl's just going on.
1:28:17 Bill Simmons? I had this in nitpicks.
1:28:18 Speaker 02 The chief of police, Super Bowl is happening.
1:28:21 Bill Simmons? The traffic for the Super Bowl is a fucking nightmare, and even in 1984 was a nightmare, and they're just like, yeah, let's get him to the game, easily get him to the game.
1:28:27 Speaker 01 And he comes back at halftime, and they just announce like, and Dan Marino's back! And everyone's like, oh, great, it's gonna be an exciting second half.
1:28:34 Bill Simmons? Apex Mountain, carry, not yet, but we're close.
1:28:38 Speaker 02 It's this whole year, right?
1:28:40 Bill Simmons? I think it's after Dumb and Dumber, that's it.
1:28:44 Bill Simmons? Courtney Cox, we're not there yet, but we're moving in the vicinity. I think it's Scream, I think it's Scream and Friends at the same time. Dan Marino, no, it's the mid 80s for Dan Marino. Three straight years leading the league in passing makes Super Bowl, seems like he's gonna be the best quarterback of all time.
1:29:02 Bill Simmons? The Dolphins, since their last title in 1972, I think this is arguably the apex for them the last 30 years. This is it, like, we were the team in Ace Ventura, what else has good, has happened to them?
1:29:14 Speaker 01 We don't know if they win the Super Bowl, though, in Ace Ventura.
1:29:17 Bill Simmons? Yeah, they probably could have slid that into the credits.
1:29:19 Speaker 02 Did we know the score at halftime?
1:29:20 Bill Simmons? No, no idea, they don't care, they're not interested. Miami movies, no.
1:29:26 Bill Simmons? Pet detectives, yes.
1:29:29 Bill Simmons? Jim Carrey's 1994, just in general, is just a general apex mountain for comedy actors.
1:29:36 Speaker 02 Do you think this is the, the best 1994 Jim Carrey movie?
1:29:39 Bill Simmons? No, I don't.
1:29:43 Bill Simmons? I would go Dumb and Dumber, Ace Ventura, Mask.
1:29:45 Speaker 02 I agree.
1:29:46 Bill Simmons? But, I think if you're talking about a one-year comedy actor year, I think this is probably it.
1:29:51 Speaker 02 I mean, I can't believe-
1:29:52 Speaker 01 I, I don't even particularly like The Mask, I, it's fine.
1:29:56 Speaker 02 I don't either.
1:29:56 Speaker 01 Uh, the one-two punch of Ace Ventura and Dumb and Dumber is-
1:30:01 Bill Simmons? And The Mask just being in the middle, making a shitload of money.
1:30:03 Speaker 02 I think it made the most out of the three of them.
1:30:05 Speaker 01 You, you could just retire after that.
1:30:08 Bill Simmons? AFC Championship rings, I think this is the apex mountain, it's the only time anyone, there was this much dialogue about it. Uh, all right, Cruz or Hanks?
1:30:16 Speaker 02 Hanks, right?
1:30:17 Bill Simmons? It's Hanks.
1:30:18 Speaker 01 To play Ace Ventura?
1:30:20 Speaker 02 Yeah.
1:30:20 Speaker 01 No, a hard disagree.
1:30:22 Speaker 02 Tom Cruise?
1:30:23 Speaker 01 Cruise.
1:30:24 Speaker 02 Oh my god, Zach.
1:30:25 Speaker 01 And here's why.
1:30:25 Bill Simmons? I knew the wheels would come off for you.
1:30:27 Speaker 01 How, Tom Hanks is like Mr. Mr. Americana.
1:30:31 Bill Simmons? But you didn't see, see, you didn't see Bachelor Party, 80's Tom Hanks.
1:30:34 Speaker 01 I've seen, first of all, how dare you?
1:30:37 Bill Simmons? 80's Tom Hanks could have been Ace Ventura.
1:30:39 Speaker 02 Hanks can be goofy. Tom Cruise doesn't.
1:30:41 Bill Simmons? Hanks can turn up the goofy.
1:30:42 Speaker 01 I'm not talking about goofy. I'm talking about in some of the smug nastier moments of this movie, you can see the seeds of like what becomes not quite the cable guy, but that that level of smugness.
1:30:55 Bill Simmons? Yeah.
1:30:56 Speaker 01 And meanness. Like, I can't believe we haven't discussed the scene where, we're gonna get to it, I hope, where bam bam bam, he hits Courtney Cox with three of the nastiest insults in a row, like rapid fire. Like, that's just okay. And, and like Cruise has that little darkness in his arsenal that I just don't think Tom Hanks has. And physicality, no, no, you need some physicality. I'm not swearing you guys off. Tom Hanks, imagine Tom Hanks making faces and doing these, so you can't do it.
1:31:24 Speaker 02 I can't overstate how fucking weird it would be if Tom Cruise was trying to be Ace Ventura. It just wouldn't work.
1:31:28 Bill Simmons? Tom Cruise has only done comedy once in 40 years, and he had to wear a fat suit?
1:31:33 Speaker 02 He was in a disguise, basically.
1:31:34 Speaker 01 It's not gonna work. None of this is gonna work. This is a one man unicorn performance.
1:31:39 Bill Simmons? Yeah, you're right.
1:31:40 Speaker 01 But I'm picking Cruise over Hanks if I have to.
1:31:41 Bill Simmons? Well, you got outvoted, because we both pick Hanks.
1:31:43 Speaker 01 Well, you're wrong.
1:31:44 Bill Simmons? Yeah. You lost two to one.
1:31:47 Speaker 02 Um, I wanted, can I quickly do a couple other half-assed internet researches that I found?
1:31:51 Bill Simmons? Yeah.
1:31:51 Speaker 02 And I watched this movie twice in the last two days. The sec, on the second watch, there is a scene when Ventura and Einhorn kiss, and they're kind of hanging out in in her office. On the desk is a banana with two apples next to it. On her desk.
1:32:05 Bill Simmons? Like a clue?
1:32:06 Speaker 02 Yes.
1:32:07 Bill Simmons? Okay.
1:32:07 Speaker 02 Had no idea. And then one other thing I thought was cool was that, I don't know if either of you had the VHS for this movie, but it came with the Ace Ventura card in the VHS, and you could like put it in your wallet. So I thought was cool.
1:32:18 Speaker 01 I did have the VHS of this movie, and I don't remember that.
1:32:20 Speaker 02 Yeah.
1:32:21 Speaker 01 Maybe, maybe I just didn't notice it, or?
1:32:22 Bill Simmons? I don't think I got the VHS.
1:32:24 Speaker 02 It's a great idea.
1:32:26 Bill Simmons? Scorsese or Spielberg?
1:32:28 Speaker 02 Is it bad? I kinda went Scorsese.
1:32:30 Bill Simmons? Yeah, I voted Scorsese.
1:32:31 Speaker 01 A thousand percent Scorsese and I repeat everything I said about why it has to be Cruise. There's a dark, there's a darkness and a smugness to this character that Spielberg is just not gonna tap into.
1:32:42 Speaker 02 Tom Cruise, hello Satan.
1:32:44 Bill Simmons? Scorsese would make him a cocaine addict and probably really blow it out. He's in the Miami drug scene.
1:32:49 Speaker 01 He would, he would have just, he would have straight up murdered the guy with the chloroform. That guy would be dead.
1:32:54 Speaker 02 Yeah.
1:32:54 Bill Simmons? Who'd you have for best hang, worst hang?
1:32:57 Speaker 01 Best hang, I debated between, uh, Ray Finkle's mom. Seems like a great time. Get some cookies.
1:33:04 Speaker 02 Yeah.
1:33:05 Speaker 01 Hear some stories about Ray. Uh, and I just think I would go out for beers after work with Roger Paddock. Just seems like a good guy, cares about his job, fun guy to be around, no nonsense, lives, lives in a great penthouse apartment in Miami. I think he deserves a little love.
1:33:22 Speaker 02 Yeah, he thought Einhorn was into him.
1:33:25 Bill Simmons? I think Zach, like, knowing how Zach operates when he's on these road trips, when he's like, yeah, I'm going with the Toronto, the head scout or like, he'd be like, yeah, I'm in Miami. Roger Paddock and I are getting drinks.
1:33:36 Speaker 01 Yeah, Roger Paddock just told me they might trade, they might trade for Jay Fiedler.
1:33:42 Bill Simmons? I had, uh, Rebecca for best hang just cause she's cute.
1:33:45 Speaker 02 Rebecca?
1:33:46 Bill Simmons? I think Ace would be the worst hang.
1:33:47 Speaker 01 Who the hell is Rebecca?
1:33:48 Bill Simmons? Not Rebecca, uh, what's her name?
1:33:50 Speaker 01 Melissa?
1:33:50 Speaker 02 Courtney.
1:33:50 Bill Simmons? Melissa.
1:33:51 Speaker 01 She's wor, she's on my list for worst hang.
1:33:53 Bill Simmons? Nah, she's great.
1:33:54 Speaker 01 Completely uninteresting. What am I gonna talk to her about?
1:33:56 Speaker 02 You don't have to talk.
1:33:57 Speaker 01 I get you. Apparently what I can do is just insult her endlessly and there's no repercussions at all, which I guess is.
1:34:02 Bill Simmons? Great hang.
1:34:03 Speaker 02 I, my best hang, I'd like to spend a night with Woodstock, the guy who works underneath the concert venue.
1:34:07 Speaker 01 He's on my list.
1:34:08 Speaker 02 Hacking whaling fleets.
1:34:09 Speaker 01 He's on my list.
1:34:10 Speaker 02 That, that's probably a fun night with him.
1:34:12 Bill Simmons? These movies always have a guy like that. It was just, he's in one scene, he's just in some lair, doing weird shit.
1:34:19 Speaker 01 I thought you had a challenge for me, Ace?
1:34:21 Speaker 02 They're like, what are you doing? He's like, I'm hacking a whaling fleet. You're like, what?
1:34:25 Bill Simmons? I have Ace for worst hang. I think after 10 minutes, he'd wanna like put a gun to your head. It's like, alright Ace, I get it.
1:34:32 Speaker 01 I went, I went Einhorn.
1:34:34 Bill Simmons? Picking nits.
1:34:37 Bill Simmons? Who fed Ace's pets all day?
1:34:40 Speaker 02 It's a good question.
1:34:40 Bill Simmons? There's like 20 pets in there and he's gone for long stretches of time. Does he have a pet feeder? Pet walker? Who's walking the dog?
1:34:48 Speaker 02 He doesn't even particularly seem like a really good pet owner. For how much he loves pets.
1:34:52 Bill Simmons? Yeah.
1:34:53 Speaker 02 They all are jammed in his apartment. He has no money, so he can't feed them.
1:34:56 Bill Simmons? What does that apartment smell like? Like you're bringing a girl back there. That thing must smell like friggin zoo.
1:35:01 Speaker 02 He kind of had no issue with the fact that that snowflake was a dolphin that they they used for show. You know? That wasn't a problem.
1:35:10 Bill Simmons? So was your take Ace Ventura didn't actually like pets that much? It was just a job?
1:35:14 Speaker 02 I don't know. He clearly felt the connection to him.
1:35:16 Speaker 01 He found a niche.
1:35:18 Bill Simmons? What'd you have for pick and nits? I have a bunch.
1:35:19 Speaker 01 I'm gonna be the only, the only one.
1:35:21 Bill Simmons? That's it. It was an opportunity.
1:35:23 Speaker 01 Yeah. Um, I, I had some of the jokes I didn't like and just the, the, the Super Bowl. I was like, this is the Super Bowl. I want to know who won the Super Bowl? Did the Dolphins win the Super Bowl? Did Snowflake perform at the Super Bowl? How does Marino do in the second half?
1:35:37 Speaker 02 I know.
1:35:37 Speaker 01 Like who goes to prison for this? How many people go to prison?
1:35:40 Bill Simmons? I had, how did they get Snowflake to the Super Bowl? And also, um, the real final score was San Francisco 38 Miami 16 in the Ray Finkle game. They cheated with that. I would have liked to have known who won this Super Bowl.
1:35:54 Speaker 02 Yeah.
1:35:54 Bill Simmons? Did the Dolphins prevail? I just had more questions.
1:35:57 Speaker 01 And I guess this doesn't count, but there's no version of this movie that should not have the Dolphin trainer seen within a scene. The fact that that's not in the movie anymore, no matter where you stream it, is unconscionable. I'm gonna say unconscionable.
1:36:12 Speaker 02 I had a couple. Why was Ray Finkle a replacement kicker if he was so good? He comes in halfway through the season, but then when, when Jim, when Ace does the research on him, two division one records? He holds the division one record for most points and longest kick? So why, if he's so good, why was, why did he get added mid-season to the Dolphins? That doesn't make any sense.
1:36:32 Speaker 02 At the end of the movie, the Eagles mascot who Ace punches, he's on the Dolphin sideline trying to get Gatorade. Makes no sense. Why is he over there?
1:36:40 Speaker 01 Infiltrating, maybe can you come back with some information?
1:36:42 Speaker 02 No clue there. Um, there's a line at the end of the movie when they're in the warehouse and it's all going down. Maybe you guys know what's going on. Einhorn is talking to Dan Marino and she goes, want some refreshments, Dan? And then she leaves to go get him what? Why does she leave? And that's why Jim Carrey can bust him out.
1:37:00 Speaker 01 Also, two, two classic, uh, just old fish goons, old fish mobster goons, like unnamed, just like incompetent at their jobs. Why did she hire?
1:37:09 Bill Simmons? Those guys are in like every movie.
1:37:11 Speaker 01 Who are they?
1:37:11 Speaker 02 I don't know why, she says it twice, want some refreshments, Dan?
1:37:14 Speaker 01 Dan.
1:37:15 Speaker 02 No idea what that's about. And then the last one is just what is Einhorn's, what is her actual plan? So she's a disgraced kicker. She goes, she goes to a mental institute and is like, I'm gonna break out, quickly rise up the ranks of Miami P D, become a woman, and then eventually kidnap Dan Marino so I, so I can kill him when the Dolphins eventually make the Super Bowl?
1:37:36 Bill Simmons? I mean, can we stop, can we stop 40% through that question? What about the part that she just became the lieutenant in this police station?
1:37:45 Speaker 01 Maybe, maybe she loves police work. She's just really good at it.
1:37:48 Bill Simmons? But I'm pretty sure it takes longer to become the lieutenant. Like you're starting in the ground, you work your way up, you're an officer for years.
1:37:55 Speaker 02 Yeah.
1:37:55 Bill Simmons? You get, you become assistant lieutenant, then eventually the lieutenant.
1:37:59 Speaker 02 Is that the easiest way to get to Dan Marino is I need to become the lieutenant of the Miami P D?
1:38:04 Bill Simmons? See, this is the problem is I don't think they spent more than 20 minutes coming up with the plot for this movie. And she's the weak link of the movie.
1:38:10 Speaker 02 Yeah, you know.
1:38:12 Speaker 01 Uh, also you can just, you can just get into a very expensive looking mental institution, like show up act crazy. Do they have any money? How are they gonna pay? Is he gonna live there?
1:38:21 Bill Simmons? Speaking of the mental institution, I had for a picky knit, just finds the right room with all the low sign horn evidence, just sitting there in a closet.
1:38:29 Speaker 01 No, no indication that that would be.
1:38:32 Speaker 02 Why would they hang on to that?
1:38:33 Bill Simmons? Keeping around in a box.
1:38:34 Speaker 02 Underrated funny scene is him trying to get into the box is a great scene. And the guys, because that guy always comes in, that's every trope, the guy comes in and he's just stuck in the box busting out of it. It's great.
1:38:45 Bill Simmons? The, why was the dolphin this important and would anyone have actually cared? I think is important. I think, I'm gonna go with all the Dolphins fans are more excited that their team's in the Super Bowl and has a chance to win for the first time in 12, 22 years.
1:38:57 Speaker 01 I could see it becoming a scandal, missing dolphin.
1:39:01 Bill Simmons? It's a Tuesday Super Bowl story, by Thursday, people are like, who's winning? Who do you got? Who'd you bet on?
1:39:07 Speaker 02 If the beloved Seahawk was stolen this week, people would probably care.
1:39:11 Bill Simmons? Would they?
1:39:12 Speaker 02 Probably.
1:39:13 Bill Simmons? Or were they talking about Drake May's shoulder and Belichick getting snubbed? By the time people watched this, the Super Bowl had happened.
1:39:20 Speaker 02 That's right.
1:39:21 Bill Simmons? I hope the Patriots won.
1:39:24 Bill Simmons? Sequel, prequel, prestige, TV all black cast are untouchable. They did a sequel. And they did some other stuff. I think there was a TV show. Animated, animated TV show.
1:39:32 Speaker 02 It's impressive. I loved the sequel as a kid. I think Ace coming out of the Rhino's ass is maybe the funniest moment in any Ace Ventura. And I think it's remarkable that they made another movie that was somehow more offensive than the first one.
1:39:46 Bill Simmons? They ratcheted up.
1:39:47 Speaker 02 They like doubled down.
1:39:48 Bill Simmons? Why not? Why wouldn't you? You get through Ace Ventura and you're lauded for it. You're like, well, I guess we could just do anything.
1:39:52 Speaker 02 And I loved it as a fifteen year old.
1:39:53 Bill Simmons? Legitimately troubled production. I think they might have changed directors at one point. It was one of those. The comedy sequels are always a disaster. All right, so is this movie better with Wayne Jenkins, Fergie the florist, or a million people? Normally we have Chris Ryan here doing impersonation. I think this is the perfect time for Zach to answer the question. Is this movie better with Tom Thibodeau?
1:40:17 Bill Simmons? What would his role be in the movie? Well, I just wanted you to do Thibodeau impersonation. Ace, Ace, Ace. What the fuck are you doing over here, Ace?
1:40:25 Speaker 02 He could be one of the henchmen at the end.
1:40:27 Bill Simmons? Ace, Ace.
1:40:32 Bill Simmons? Just want to ask her who gets it. We've already answered. This is Jim Carrey. Come on. Probably an answerable questions. I only have one. Do you guys have one for this?
1:40:40 Speaker 02 I have a couple.
1:40:41 Bill Simmons? Okay. We've covered most of mine. What do you have, Craig?
1:40:44 Speaker 02 Did Einhorn and the henchmen place a bet on the Eagles?
1:40:49 Bill Simmons? Interesting. They have to do the bookie. Probably lower stakes. I don't think they're in it for the money.
1:40:54 Speaker 02 Do you make that bet five months in advance, knowing you're gonna kidnap Marino? Or even a month in advance, right? Would you make that bet right before you capture Marino, before the line swings? Make a lot of money.
1:41:03 Bill Simmons? I don't think they're in it for the money. I have one relating to the game. I think if Dan Marino had gotten kidnapped right before the Super Bowl, I think that's the biggest sports story of all time.
1:41:16 Bill Simmons? I think that's the most interesting thing that ever could have happened in any sporting event is the quarterback, the star quarterback on one of the two teams has been kidnapped. First of all, do they have the game?
1:41:30 Speaker 01 I don't think you have the game.
1:41:32 Bill Simmons? I think the game is postponed. Football stops, right? They're like, is this guy dead? What happened to Dan Marino? We have to find him.
1:41:40 Speaker 02 Do you think it matters which quarterback it would be? Like, it's like, oh, well, if Mahomes were canceling the Super Bowl.
1:41:45 Bill Simmons? Well, we're taking this before the new Super Bowl.
1:41:47 Speaker 02 Yeah.
1:41:48 Bill Simmons? If it was Drake May versus Sam, if Sam Darnold's kidnapped, they're not having the game. Either one, it's a no, it's like, we're holding off until we find Sam Darnold. Right? They're not like, let's have the game anyway, because then all that would happen is you could just kidnap the best players on other teams and, you know, bet money on the other team before you do it.
1:42:10 Speaker 02 Yeah, they're stopping the game.
1:42:11 Bill Simmons? Pandora box.
1:42:12 Speaker 02 And the question is, is if they find him five months later, then what? Do you just have the Super Bowl?
1:42:16 Speaker 01 Yes, football is, when do you resume football?
1:42:20 Bill Simmons? Has this happened in soccer? It must have.
1:42:23 Speaker 02 A player getting kidnapped?
1:42:24 Bill Simmons? Yeah, that must have happened in one of these European or Latin American soccer leagues.
1:42:28 Speaker 01 What's the plot of Celtic Pride, which I never saw? Isn't this the plot of Celtic Pride? No, they kidnapped someone?
1:42:32 Bill Simmons? They do. We don't acknowledge Celtic Pride.
1:42:34 Speaker 01 Okay.
1:42:35 Bill Simmons? Yeah, that movie never happened. That's in the never happened movies. Yeah, I do think, I do think this is the biggest story, like excluding like somebody dying or something. I think this would have been the biggest sports story. What else did you have for an answer, Paul?
1:42:51 Speaker 02 Did Einhorn learn the tuck from Buffalo Bill?
1:42:56 Bill Simmons? You think there's some Buffalo, so Buffalo, Silence of the Lambs comes out 1991?
1:43:01 Speaker 02 I mean, it was a very strategic tuck. She kind of maneuvered that.
1:43:04 Bill Simmons? I think it is a little Silence of the Lambs, probably like an homage.
1:43:07 Speaker 02 Also, in that scene, when he exposes her chest and sees that she has boobs and he goes, that kind of work, that kind of surgery can be done over the weekend.
1:43:15 Speaker 01 Not going, but it's, it's not overnight. Something about the word weekend and the way he says it is why that's funny.
1:43:22 Speaker 02 Acknowledging that there is a little bit of work, he's like, that kind of work can be done over the weekend.
1:43:28 Bill Simmons? What piece of memorabilia would you want from the movie, Zach? Or not want?
1:43:32 Speaker 01 Uh, I went want.
1:43:34 Bill Simmons? Okay.
1:43:35 Speaker 01 The obvious one would be one of the rings.
1:43:37 Bill Simmons? Yeah. Would be Ray Finkle's ring with the one stone missing.
1:43:40 Speaker 01 Ray Finkle's ring with the stone missing.
1:43:42 Bill Simmons? That's the highest, that's, that's selling for the most at an auction.
1:43:45 Speaker 01 I would like one of the dyed, dan, dyed, crocheted, like, coasters or whatever that Grandma Finkle made. One of those, or the notebook that has just laces out, scrawled all over it.
1:43:56 Speaker 02 Yeah, I have the ring. Or any of the, the 90's Dolphins.
1:44:00 Bill Simmons? I had the ring, but I'll, I'll tell you, it did catch my eye, the Collier County Home to Ray Stinkle sign. It's Ray Finkle and they turned into the Stinkle. It's a really, if you actually look at that sign, it's really cool.
1:44:11 Speaker 02 That could be right there.
1:44:12 Bill Simmons? Looks good, yeah, it's, I, I thought about it, it's, it's big, it looks like it would take up like.
1:44:17 Speaker 02 Can you buy it? Is it on eBay?
1:44:19 Bill Simmons? They probably threw it, threw it away, right?
1:44:21 Speaker 01 I don't know, I don't know.
1:44:22 Bill Simmons? It's a really cool sign though.
1:44:23 Speaker 01 I don't know if this counts, but you could, you could make, cause you could make it, but the mannequin with the Marino jersey and the knife in the heart.
1:44:29 Bill Simmons? Yeah, yeah.
1:44:30 Speaker 01 Standing right here.
1:44:31 Bill Simmons? Coach Finstock, Mr. Marguerite Award for best or worst life lesson.
1:44:37 Speaker 02 Laces out?
1:44:38 Bill Simmons? Yeah, laces out.
1:44:40 Speaker 01 I, I think it's, you can be worst life lesson. You can be an absolute dick to this beautiful woman and still end up with her in the end. I can't believe we haven't talked about the machine gun of.
1:44:53 Bill Simmons? How courting was in the early 90's.
1:44:55 Speaker 02 Have you ever heard of, it's negging, you ever heard of negging?
1:44:57 Speaker 01 Yeah, and you're ugly. Why don't you cry about it? Saddlebags and then throwing out fatty right after that.
1:45:03 Bill Simmons? And she's like, she's like, I love this guy.
1:45:05 Speaker 01 What's happening right now?
1:45:06 Speaker 02 And 10 seconds later, her best friend dies.
1:45:09 Bill Simmons? She's like, I'm in on this guy. Uh, best double feature choice, I had, there's something about Mary, cause I get to stay in Miami. It's a different kind of later 90's comedy, different actors.
1:45:19 Speaker 02 And you get Favre.
1:45:20 Bill Simmons? I get Favre, I get both football quarterbacks.
1:45:22 Speaker 02 I went Dumb and Dumber.
1:45:23 Speaker 01 I also went Dumb and Dumber, which is just brilliant movie.
1:45:26 Bill Simmons? Then who won the movie? Jim Carrey.
1:45:29 Speaker 02 Was the laces out thing known before this movie? The Scott Norwood kick? Was the, the laces out thing known at that time?
1:45:36 Bill Simmons? I don't ever remember.
1:45:37 Speaker 02 That the holder screwed up the kick?
1:45:39 Speaker 01 I don't even, is it a real thing?
1:45:41 Speaker 02 Yeah, apparently people defend Norwood and say that the laces were facing sideways and it's why it pushed right.
1:45:49 Bill Simmons? I never know what to believe because they're always like, he missed that because of the high snap. And then half the time, guys make it when it's a high snap or.
1:45:56 Speaker 02 So this movie was the first time you had heard of like the idea of the laces being positioned in any direction?
1:46:00 Speaker 01 That was totally, I was totally unaware of it. And I feel like I haven't heard it since other than references to Ace Ventura.
1:46:06 Speaker 02 McAfee has defended this, saying this is totally real. The laces do need to be out because the, the laces are the softest part of the football. So if you kick that, it compresses the most and can like wobble. So I don't know.
1:46:19 Bill Simmons? Interesting.
1:46:20 Speaker 02 Yeah. That, and I, which, it's incredibly impressive that the holders, apparently like even the way the ball is snapped is designed so that the laces land in the holder's hands, laces out. And then it's their job to quickly adjust if it's, if it's in the wrong direction by even a couple of degrees so that it's completely, you know, 180 away from the kicker's foot.
1:46:41 Bill Simmons? This is normally the part of the podcast when we go to producer Craig for his reaction, but he's one of the hosts today, so we don't need to do that. But we can thank Ahao.
1:46:48 Speaker 02 Yeah.
1:46:48 Bill Simmons? We can thank Eduardo.
1:46:49 Speaker 02 Yeah.
1:46:50 Bill Simmons? Zach Lowe, your first rewatchable is under your belt. How do you feel?
1:46:53 Speaker 01 I feel good. I feel like I submitted a list of 10 to 12 movies and you picked the silliest one by an exponential degree. Just want to put it out there. I also had Dog Day Afternoon was on my list. So I ran, I ran, I ran the gamut. All right. This is, just saying.
1:47:08 Bill Simmons? He's on Netflix and on Spotify. You're on Netflix and on Spotify, Ringer Fantasy Football Show, The Zach Lowe Show. I got the Bill Simmons Podcast. We're back with rewatchables next week with another movie that we're going to try to pick that's on Netflix. And I do want to remind people that Eddie and the Cruisers is now available to be purchased or rented if you ever want to know, because we're going to do Eddie and the Cruisers at some point. It's finally out. I know you're excited.
1:47:32 Speaker 02 Yeah, I don't know anything about that movie.
1:47:33 Bill Simmons? This is the first, this has only been a couple of times in rewatchables history where we bitched and moaned about a movie not being available and then it actually happened. Pump up the volume.
1:47:44 Speaker 02 Yeah.
1:47:44 Bill Simmons? We just did the episode where like it's, it's, and then all of a sudden it magically appeared in the streamers.
1:47:50 Speaker 02 The next one is Revenge of the Nerds. You cannot find on the internet.
1:47:54 Bill Simmons? Kiss of Death, irreconcilable differences we talked about. Sure thing, not really available.
1:48:00 Speaker 02 Yep, that's on YouTube.
1:48:01 Bill Simmons? They're mostly from the eighties and nineties. So hopefully we'll have some more. Zach Lowe, a true pleasure. Craig Corlbeck, great to see you. Uh, thanks for coming on.
1:48:21 Bill Simmons? This episode is brought to you by Whole Foods Market. Fall is here and Whole Foods Market has everything you need for cozy meals, seasonal treats and easy entertaining. Elevate your hearty dishes with tasty bone-in beef short ribs or New York strip steaks with no added growth hormones or antibiotics. And as the fall evenings draw in, why not get ahead of cold season with immunity shots, herbal teas, lozenges and supplements? Make sure you look for sales throughout the month. Shop fall flavors with higher standards at Whole Foods Market.
Previous ‘Wild Things’ With Bill Simmons, Van Lathan, and Mallory Rubin Next ‘GoldenEye’ With Bill Simmons, Chris Ryan, and Sean Fennessey Page updated October 31, 2026 · transcript and summary are machine-generated